This is my ranking of every Impractical Jokers episode starting when Joe left. I was going to wait until season 10 was over to post this, but I’m just gonna post it now, as I have no idea if season 10 is done or still going.
I’ll be referring to the episodes by their celebrity guests, but that’s only because that’s how IJ names their episodes. I’ll be judging the episodes as a whole, not just the guest.
I’m only doing mainline episodes, meaning no “sideline smacktalk” or shark week special.
25. Bobby Moinahan
In general, I like challenges where the Jokers have to convince a mark to go along with what they’re doing, but making it so both challenges had that goal made this episode monotonous. The telethon challenge was particularly disappointing, as I think there was a ton of potential to make the marks do a bunch of wacky things, but it wound up being “insult the customer” over and over.
The punishment also felt disjointed. Murr having to annoy and creep out wedding dress buyers was pretty standard, but making him eat his wedding band and then wear a wedding dress to the airport seemed really tacked on.
24. Jillian Bell
The “you’re fired” challenge was a swing and a miss. Not only is it not fun to watch the Jokers just act like jerks of their own volition, but the ruleset is backwards because it requires you to be a jerk and then you’ll lose if you do too good a job. I think this game could be easily fixed if they made the first half be a standard “refuse you lose” and then fire the mark and beg for your job.
The “one more minute” skit was pretty cringey (this is coming from someone who likes the skits more than the average IJ fan) and I much preferred the deleted skit shown on “Filming with the stars”
The punishment was really underwhelming.
The one saving grace was the “Boot and Rally” challenge, which isn’t one I’d want to see again, but was still entertaining because of how over the top it was, and because of how self aware they were that it’s not a good challenge.
23. David Cross
They basically copied and pasted one of the Rob Riggle skits for this episode. Even though the skits are the least important part of the show, it’s still kind of upsetting to see them get recycled.
The challenges were fairly average, with the exception of Max Zoda dragging down Sal’s turn.
I did like the punishment. The post-Joe episodes have been pretty dependent on physically painful punishments, but this one was pretty creative both in using various methods to torture Murr, and in doing it in a context where it seems acceptable.
22. Adam Pally and Jon Gabrus
The babysitting challenge was solid, and I like the choice to play beer pong with the guests instead of doing a skit. In fact, I think it would’ve been better to consistently show authentic interactions with the guests instead of skits. They could even make it a callback to the walking bits from season 1.
Sal’s shock punishment was also pretty entertaining. Although it is watered down by the abundance of physical punishments in this era of the show.
21. Paul Scheer
The two challenges were solid, but the punishment was pretty underwhelming. The overall idea is pretty funny after it’s explained, but the entertainment value dissipates after the first couple rounds.
20. Colin Jost
The ice cream challenge was an improvement over the “you’re fired” challenge from last episode. While it still involved the vague command of “act like a jerk”, they now made the mark a witness instead of a victim, and the Jokers were actually rewarded instead of punished for fulfilling that command.
This episode also opted to show a real interaction with its guest instead of a skit, which again, is a decision I like.
The love guru’s challenge was solid, with the best part being when the guy claimed to know about the relationship expert Murr and Sal made up.
The punishment was entertaining, but again, kind of diluted by how many physical punishments there have been recently.
19. Eric André Returns
Fairly underwhelming as an episode, but never to the point that I wasn’t enjoying it. The best part was Sal talking about his exploding wife.
18. Harvey Guillen
The lawyer challenge was alright. The best part was Q’s “potato chip or two” line, which highlighted the absurdity of how convoluted the contracts were
Having a challenge where each turn was at a different location was an interesting idea, but ultimately didn’t have much impact.
Q’s punishment was kind of underwhelming. When it started with him getting prosthetics, I was expecting him to look radically different and for it to be crucial to the punishment, so I was disappointed when Q was fairly recognizable and it wasn’t necessary for what he had to do. Though the punishment itself was still fun due to the energy Harvey gave it. Plus it had a surprisingly light hearted ending.
17. Paula Abdul
Most of the episode was middling. I was disappointed because I was expecting Paula to have a great dynamic with the Jokers due to them making a movie together, yet she wound up blending in as a guest.
The high point of the episode was the “get my wallet challenge”. I loved the twist of having Cha throw Q out instead of Dan, and I especially loved Q sabotaging Sal by giving him his wallet before the mark could get it. It was oddly nostalgic, as it was the kind of thing Joe would do.
16. Kesha
I really don’t like that they repeated Sal’s shock punishment, the seance setting made it just barely different enough to justify doing again.
However, the “fall in love” challenge was pretty fun, and the debate challenge with MJF was great. I’d love for him to work with the Jokers again.
15. Michael Ian Black
I liked the return of the texting challenge, and Murr chasing the greased up boy was ridiculous (in a good way).
The punishment was fairly standard, but Michael did a great job acting as the straight-man and adding to Sal’s embarrassment.
14. Kim Fields
Murr’s “fuck marry kill” conversation, Q’s mistletoe, and Q eating the dog treats were all fun moments. The punishment felt pretty old school (in a good way) and while Q calling a woman’s bitch briefly dampened the fun, the mood was saved by Murr’s impression afterwards.
13. Post Malone
I liked seeing the etiquette challenge brought back and I especially loved seeing the guy do a 180 after recognizing Murr.
The punishment was clever and Post did a great job fanning the flames between the customers and Q. Though I think it was an odd choice to end it as a man was calling 911 without showing how the situation resolves.
12. Eric Andre
The challenges don’t have any moments that particularly stand out to me, but they were consistently entertaining in a way where it always feels worth my time to watch.
This is a rare time where I’d say the best moment from an episode came from a skit, as I love the idea of Murr being a fictional character.
The one change I’d make is that I wish they cut the opening skit and instead spoke to the audience directly, explicitly acknowledging that Joe left and they would be changing things up. I feel like that would’ve made for a better transition.
11. John Mayer
I don’t like that this episode only had one challenge before the punishment, but I do like that the celebrity guest was involved in both the challenge and the punishment, which I wish was the case more often.
The challenge itself was also fun enough to make up for being the only one. I loved Sal randomly arm wrestling the investors, the constant utterance of “Bro” and Murr’s mark insinuating he hired prostitutes.
10. ALF
The ticket challenge was solid and the phone call challenge was great, especially Sal’s McRib story.
Making a fictional character the celebrity guest was a somewhat risky choice, but I think it worked out. They did a good job integrating ALF into the punishment, and I loved the detail of him thinking Q enjoyed the food.
9. Anthony Davis
I like challenges where the Jokers have to convince the mark to lie, so I really enjoyed the “playing hookie” challenge.
I did not like the second challenge though. I found Steve Byrne’s antics more annoying than funny.
This is made up for by the punishment, which I consider one of the best punishments in recent history. Allowing Sal to opt out of tasks at a price was a clever way of adding stakes and making the punishment standout. The final task in particular was genius, and while it could have been over the line, Anthony avoided that by giving the kid his own shoes.
8. Method Man
The punishment was just uncomfortable and not very fun to watch, but the episode makes up for it with the challenges.
The scientists challenge was great, and the “don’t smirk” challenge was possibly the funniest segment in the whole post-Joe era. I personally think the “no smirking” rule was a bit excessive, and a rule against laughing would’ve been plenty, but the content of the challenge was hilarious, and that’s what matters.
7. Bruce Campbell
The Rosanna Scotto challenge was alright, with the most interesting part being when customers defended dumpster diving.
The waiter challenge was great. I loved Murr’s “who’s paying?” bit and Q constantly trying to improve the women’s ribs.
The punishment was great and felt like something we’d get in the older seasons. For the Bobby Moynihan episode, I mentioned that parts of Murr’s punishment seemed tacked on, and that’s not the case here. Each step of Q’s punishment felt like a natural extension, and Campbell did a great job as the overly demanding director.
6. Bret Michaels
The Grocery Roll was a great challenge to kick off the COVID restrictions being lifted. Murr and Sal each had spectacular Pratt falls.
The hide and seek challenge was a welcomed return. While I wouldn’t want it to become a staple of the show, I think it’s a great game to throw in once every couple of seasons to shake things up. Sal genuinely wondering if he can breathe in the fridge, repeatedly trying to close the door on himself, and hurting his arm on the third attempt was very stupid in the best way possible.
Murr’s punishment was a mixed bag. The armwrestling, bowls of soup, and Paul Rudd showing up out of nowhere were all hilarious, but whenever a mark is furious and has their face blurred, I go from enjoying the discomfort to just feeling bad for everyone involved.
5. Rob Riggle
The taste test challenge was great, with Q’s mark being one of the funniest of season in recent history.
The workout challenge was even better and really recaptured the magic they had in earlier seasons. Murr’s “wrong/good” workout and Sal’s refusal to accept help were particularly great.
The punishment was also solid. Murr having to stay still while mostly naked was simple and effective, and they were able to create a wacky enough environment around him that there’s more to keep things entertaining.
4. Chris Jericho
This is the first episode that made me realize IJ can make great episodes.
The Joint Gravy challenge was absolutely hilarious. Especially Sal’s turn.
The focus group challenge was also great. I’d be happy if they made Jiggy… not the fourth Joker… but the official stand-in whenever they have a challenge where they need to pair up.
The two skits were both really good. The opener was grounded and reserved, while the mid-show skit was ridiculous in the best way.
While I’ve said that IJ has gone a bit overboard with the physical torture punishments, I think this one was well done. It was creative to let Q alternate between various painful tasks as he wanted, and I loved how he was dependent on Sal’s mom to end the punishment. I really wish she started getting involved in the show earlier, because she’s hilarious.
3. Kal Penn
Having to sell a product after coming in through the window was hysterical, both in concept and execution. All three turns had a completely different feel to them. Murr was slimy and confident, Q was overly enthusiastic, and Sal was completely desperate.
The eating challenge was similar to the “Boot and Rally” challenge to me, in the sense that it’s not something I’d want to see again, but it was made funny due to the Jokers being self aware about it not being a good challenge. Murr’s frustration at Q and Sal saying they’d just take the thumbs down was 10X funnier than if they actually attempted the challenge.
The punishment itself was solid. It’s a simple but effective idea, and revealing that it was Sal’s breath that stunk was a great ending.
2. Blake Anderson
They brought back two challenges that had each only been done once before, which could be risky, but worked out great.
The “phony fees” challenge was a welcomed return. Johnna did a great job making the charges seem legitimate, and the woman constantly praising Q was amazing.
The Yearbook challenge was also really good. The gag about them all being married to Melissa reminded me of the organic humor we got back when Joe was on the show.
The punishment was my favorite of season 10. It has a juvenile charm where I know what Sal’s doing is really dumb, yet am root for him to get away with it.
1. Brooke Shields
Brooke gave the same energy as a guest that I was hoping to get from Paula Abdul.
The opening skit was great, largely because of how well Brooke sold the role of a fangirl.
This was the first time we saw the celebrity guest participate in a challenge, and it was very fun to watch. The girl trying to dab while in a suitcase was hilarious.
The “Brooke of Love” punishment was genius. We’ve seen challenges that convert to punishments before, but it was always done on the fly and/or kept secret from the joker being punished. Having everyone know that whoever loses will be punished immediately was a really unique approach and I hope they do something similar in the future.
I also love the idea of a dating show where the guys are all trying to be as unappealing as possible. Sal’s rap, the return of Stanley Merkle, and the hushed trash talking (trash whispering?) were all fantastic. I know the show (usually) doesn’t repeat punishments, but I’d love to see the challenge be done again, even if it’s without the instant punishment at the end. It could be in the context of a dating show again, or it could be something like a job interview.

Hi!! I just want to share my experience re: laser hair removal and I also want to know if I have similar experiences ☹️
Medyo mahaba yata to so please bear with me. So this is how it went:
I only had 3 sessions of laser hair removal for my armpits and I just started this year. Tatlong magkakaibang beauty salon din ang pinuntahan ko.
The first one (I’ll call it Beauty Salon 1) is here in my town, hindi siya kilala masyado pero my experience here is okay but the price is kinda expensive— PHP1.2k for one session kasi diode laser yata gamit nila. The result was okay kasi napansin kong numipis naman yung tubo ng hair pero mag mga makakapal pa rin. Medyo may kirot din for me during the procedure pero wala namang soreness or itchiness after. Wala rin silang binigay sa akin na post-laser cream. Sabi nila balik daw ako after a month.
The second one, (Beauty Salon 2) is in Manila, medyo kilala siyang brand at marami siyang advertisements sa Facebook. May nakita akong ad nila na may discount sila for diode laser hair removal and I availed it. PHP500 lang binayaran ko and IDK PHP1k+ yata yung original price. Just like before, medyo may kirot during the procedure pero di na ako nagulat. Pinabili rin nila ako ng post-laser cream from them. Kailangan ko raw yun kasi baka maging itchy raw yung armpits ko st magkaroon ng bumps. Actually, naging itchy nga siya pero within 24 hours lang after ako nagpa-laser. Sa mga sumunod na days, di na siya itchy and wala na siyang bumps so di na ako naglagay ng cream. It turns out din na wala agad na tumubong hair sa armpits ko. After a week, meron pero nalagas din agad hahaha and I was so happy kasi ilang araw ko nang di na kailangan mag-shave and bigla akong laging naka-sleeveless na top or dress. Sabi ko dito na ako lagi magpapa-laser.
Months passed, like super tagal yung interval. May nakita ulit ako na salon (Beauty Salon 3) na may discount ulit eh gusto kong makatipid ng pera so pinatulan ko ulit. Hindi masyadong kilala yung brand nila and 2 lang ang branches nila nationwide pero nasa loob sila ng mall. This time, Soprano Ice Laser daw yung gamit nilang machine and during the procedure, wala akong masyadong na-feel na pitik or kirot. Btw ang binayaran ko lang ay PHP599 tapos sabi nila PHP5k raw original price nila. Medyo napaisip ako na parang sketchy na ang taas ng discount nila?? LMAO. Anyways, wala rin silang binigay na cream. Inalukan pa nila ako ng discounted price for laser hair removal sa legs (PHP7k na lang daw tapos libre na yung sa armpits ko) TAPOS NAG-AVAIL NAMAN AKO HUHUHU NABUDOL SI BEH pero next time ko pa ma-aavail
2 days after the procedure, napansin kong tumubo agad yung hair ko sa armpits 🥲🥲🥲 tapos unlike sa Beauty Salon 2, hindi siya nalalagas. AND parang hindi rin manipis yung tubo niya 🙃. At this point, kinabahan ako kasi feeling ko na-scam ako. Nag-avail pa naman ulit ako ng package sa kanila at nabayaran ko na. Idk how it happened pero di ba dapat manipis na ulit yung tubo sa armpits ko since pangatlong session ko na to?? Also bakit ambilis ng tubo?? Mapipilitan tuloy akong bumalik sa Beauty Salon 3 and I think last ko na yun. Babalik na lang ako sa Beauty Salon 2.
Kayo ba?? Ano thoughts nyo?? Huhu help!

I Accepted a Job to Film on the Dark Web
Man, I am pumped to tell you chronically online content addicts my story. Wait is that too mean of an intro? Will this get taken down for harassment since I painted too accurate a picture of the people on this site? Sorry, everyone, I’m sure you all smell like an expensive bakery and have touched grass this morning. Anyway, I promise I have something interesting. It even involves the dark web you uncreative writers cream yourselves over! I mean, totally real people speaking about their strangely similar experiences. Okay, fine I’ll stop bullying you through the screen before you click off.
This all started when I was seven years old and my parents were killed in front of me in an anti-indigenous hate crime, but let's be real you don’t care. I’m just some annoying Cherokee kid with dead parents so I’ll skip to the good parts. I spent years in an orphanage, gradually becoming more interested in death and violence. As bad as it is, I went out of my way to expose myself to that content in the hopes of desensitizing myself. Which ended up working too well, since now I’m obsessed with causing and viewing pain, though I don’t find any joy in hurting myself.
I got adopted at twelve and after a few months of staying at my new family’s home on the reservation, I went with them to a state sweatier than the average Reddit user, California. Long story short, both of my caretakers, whom I referred to as Uncle and Auntie because they could never be my parents, died. Leaving me in the care of their older son, who I call cousin. I’m not stupid enough to give up any real names, so I’ll call him Brick, cause he’s as dumb as one. He was in his early 20s when he was tasked with taking care of me and is the world’s worst excuse for a babysitter.
I’m almost always alone at the apartment, with him only coming by to drop off supplies and stay for a few hours so the neighbors don’t get too worried. Unless I get in trouble at school, then he’d suddenly give a shit. It's useful because he doesn't about the gory stuff I look at, but some display of interest would be nice. Oh well, ninety percent of the population sucks so he’s just part of the majority. Now, with that said, you’ll be able to understand the perfect storm that led me here. During my time on the deep web, I found a particular website that caught my eye. They had new footage relatively consistently and they were the easiest for me to access since I didn't go too far into the dark web, especially with all the honey pots lying around.
I even bought a couple of files for myself to study and admire. One thing irritated me though, the cameraman. He was always sobbing, breathing, shaking, or some combination of those. It seriously killed the vibe of the killings. Something I commented on under many videos, often saying I would do a better job filming. A choice that in hindsight was me asking to end up in one of those recordings. I didn't think anything of it at the time. I was mostly the only one who commented but I was sure they wouldn't care. I was embarrassingly wrong.
I was staying up like usual, but it was past one AM on a school night, and back then that was a lot so I tried to sleep. Closing my eyes, tossing and turning, the works. I had just started drifting off when I heard the front door open. I remained calm but immediately found it weird since Brick never showed up this late. The thuds of the individual's feet grew louder as they got closer to my bedroom. I tried to convince myself it wasn't a stranger, especially since they got in with ease, but I knew that was wishful thinking.
They hummed as they opened my door. My dumbass had left it unlocked. I remained on my side, trying to look like I was asleep. They turned on the flashlight of their phone, shining it in my face. It was hard but I stayed still while they traced it over my features. I could tell they were smiling as they clicked their tongue.
“Heh, I knew it was a brat,” they whispered to themselves, pulling tangles out of my hair. Something I struggled not to groan from. They pulled up the hair over my ear and got so close spit got on my ear lobe.
“I know you’re awake kid,” they murmured, putting a blade to my neck. I let them grab my shoulder and move me onto my back, I knew how to fight but I wasn't about to take that big a risk with the position they had me in.
“You think you’re so cool saying you can do better than our guy.” they snickered, kneeling, their flashlight still shining in my face.
“Do you seriously believe that?” they questioned, moving the light away.
“Yeah, I do.” I stood my ground, they might have been intimidating but I wasn't gonna let that stop me from being honest.
“I wouldn't sound like I’m gonna piss myself every time it gets gory. I’m confident I could get better footage too, getting up close is something I’ve fantasized about.”
They clicked their tongue again and ran their finger over the bridge of my nose.
”Well, I know you’re a big fan of what we do, and you’re confidence makes me think you got something to back those claims up, so how’d you like a deal?”
I was surprised by how civil they were being aside from the touching and weapon against my throat.
“What kind of deal?” I asked, for all I knew this guy wanted me to lick their feet or some weird shit like that. They placed a finger underneath my eye, tracing a half moon with their nail.
“You have till this Friday to film a video of you killing an animal and put it on a flash drive that I’ll pick up here. If it impresses me and the crew we’ll hire ya with a handsome salary.” They began, moving their hand down to my cheek.
“But if you don't show, or it doesn't meet our standards, then I’m fucking up one of the parts of your face.” They warned, pinching my skin harshly.
“And if I say no to this deal?”
They put their hand over my mouth, scratching my lips.
“That’s cute, if you say no I’ll just slit your throat.” they grinned.
“Or rip it open with my teeth if you got a preference,” they smirked, before running their tongue across their sharp teeth.
“Okay, since I have no choice I’ll go with it, but I’m telling you now I can give you something way better than what you likely expect of me.” I prefaced, looking into their sunken eyes. They scratched my scalp, including the side of my head that was shaved.
“Good choice, I’ll be back to pick it up and if you're not here I’ll assume you don’t have the video. I genuinely wish you luck, because you’ll need it.” they removed the blade from my neck and walked away. I sat still for a few minutes in the dark, processing what had happened and wondering how they got into my apartment with such ease. I was confident I could blow their sniveling excuse of a cameraman out of the water, but I was worried about the people I was getting caught up with.
Sure, I had been on a lot of gore sites over the years but I was always just watching and occasionally commenting. Compared to most in the scene I wasn't much of a threat. I could defend myself and have contemplated killing for years but I hadn't murdered anyone or worse. Plus, I am part of way too many targeted groups to not be constantly at risk. Teenage, fem-leaning, two-spirit, indigenous kid with trauma? Yeah, I might as well be walking sign screaming “Hate crime me”.
So yeah, there was a lot to worry about. Regardless, I couldn't let that fear hold me back. I had a job to do and a group of sickos to appease. The next morning was rough, I got no sleep cause I’d spent all night brainstorming. I barely mustered the energy to change and drank straight mouthwash instead of brushing my teeth. Slogging onto the bus with drool on my cheek, I went to the back like usual. No one sat there cause, the seats were extra worn down, and I scared off anyone who attempted to with my active, rabies-infected bitch face. That day was different though.
I blanked on his name and where I knew him from, but I recognized his wavy hair and prominent curved nose. He glanced at each seat on the bus, before somehow settling on my area. He tried to give me space but ultimately seated himself beside me after realizing it was the only spot that didn't look like it would give him cancer. I glared at him as I did with everyone, but it didn't phase him.
“You know you could pick anywhere else right?” I murmured. He stared at the floor, then at me.
“I’m aware, but a few months ago I started a mission to sit on every part of this bus, and this is the last place.” he smiled, his lips softly curving at the sides.
“What’s the point of that?”
His mouth moved into a more neutral position, but his eyes kept smiling.
“I just thought it would be neat to see the same place from a bunch of different perspectives.” he took out his phone and snapped a photo from the point of view where he was sitting. Maybe my sleepiness made my bitch face less effective, cause he hadn't shown a hint of fear, which kind of annoyed me.
“That’s cool I guess, but I wouldn't do that if I were you. I’ve done some back here alone that would make your skin crawl.” in hindsight my attempt at unnerving him just made me sound like a pervert, which is probably why he held back laughter. Trying to hide a chuckle by clearing his throat.
“Hey, it's not my business what you do, no matter how Haram it is. It’s your life so that’s between you and whatever you believe in. Just don’t shake hands with me.” he joked, playfully putting his hands up. Strangely, I remembered his name at that moment.
“Oh shit, you’re Abdul! We have art together.” I sat up, haphazardly slamming my hand down on my leg.
“Uh yeah, I’ve seen some of your paintings, they’re pretty cool. I like the way you texture them, I’m trying to work on that.” he complimented, seeming more weirded out by my sudden energy than my accidental insinuation. I felt a little stupid for yelling his name but decided not to dwell on it.
“Thanks, you’re stuff is nice, and you’re good at shading.”
He stretched his arms while thanking me. We talked for a few more minutes, taking jabs at each other throughout. Turns out he was better at being an asshole than his artsy charismatic appearance made me think. The thing setting our insults apart being that you could tell he was a loving person underneath. It was the nicest conversation I had with anyone in a while. Though he could tell I was tired so he quieted down, letting me sleep, waking me when we got to school. We went our separate ways until the last two periods we shared. All that time, I spent my remaining energy plotting how I was going to handle the video. What I’d kill, record with, and how to dispose of the evidence. It was a lot to consider, but through three classes I devised a plan.
I’d find a stray around my apartment complex and take it out in my room. Record it on a portable camera since I broke the ones on my phone, no, I will not be answering how that happened. Then once I had my footage I’d put the body in a trash bag, throw it in the complex’s garbage, and clean the blood off my floor. It didn't seem like Brick would come by so he wasn't a factor I thought I’d have to consider. The plan was almost too easy, but I decided to believe in Occam’s razor. I got so lost in thought that by the time I reached Art, which was my second-to-last period, I didn't process that we were moving seats.
“She called your name,” Abdul reminded me. Our teacher placed us next to each other at our four-person table. The two girls sitting with us were already friends, so I didn't bother to say anything, but I was interested in talking to him more.
“So, what do you think of this assignment?” He shrugged, taking out his sketchbook.
“I’m not that good at drawing people, but the idea of combining two people’s faces into a portrait seems interesting. Any ideas on who you’ll pick?”
“Probably the members of the music duo Brain Tumor, they’re my favorite artists and they both look weird as hell.”
“Wow way to talk about your favorites, if that’s what you say about them I can‘t imagine what you have to say about me.” he joked, pulling up reference pictures.
“First, it’s not an insult, second I don’t have anything to say about you. Brain and Tumor have features and styles that make them stand out. Sure they’re ugly, but it just adds to their visual charm. Hot people are boring, there’s nothing to pick at.” I explained, unzipping my bag.
“Oh, so you’re saying you think I’m hot.”
His comment wasn’t serious but it kind of got to me.
“Shit, that’s not what I meant, I was trying to say you’re boring. All hot people are boring, but not all boring people are hot, okay?” I explained, flipping to a clean page.
“Alright, but if I’m so bland then why talk to me?”
I hesitated, contemplating how much of a dick I was gonna be.
“Because it means you probably need some spice in your life, which I can provide.”
He began sketching a head on his paper.
“I like spices, but I feel like you’re the kind of person to dump a cabinet’s worth onto me.”
I flicked my pencil over to his side of the desk, putting on a mocking grin.
“Aww, you scared I’m gonna get you into trouble?”
He picked up the pencil and started using it, putting his on my side.
“No, ‘cause I’m good at setting boundaries. I’m more concerned that you’ll get annoyed with how unafraid of you I am.”
I stared at him for a moment, I hadn't expected to hear that.
“Jeez, man you didn't have to read me like that.”
He shrugged, observing the red paint from past projects that lay on my pencil.
“It's not hard to figure out, just this morning you were trying to push me away on the bus. Lucky, or unlucky, for you I want you to have a friend and you seem like a fun person.”
“Wait are you saying I have no friends?” I squinted at him.
“Well, do you?”
I didn't answer.
“If your response is silence I suggest you take up my offer.”
I was stunned, to be honest. No one had offered to be my friend since 6th grade, and that didn't last long. Of course, I accepted it, but for the rest of the period, there was an awkwardness in my mind. As pathetic as it sounds I wasn't used to others genuinely enjoying my company like he did. Which was partly by design cause I get joy out of scaring people away, but still. I forgot how it felt to have conversations about normal things like art. He had such a nice smile too, usually when I see a grin I want to slap it off, but I liked his. His voice was also nice, it’s hard to describe what in particular but it was easy on the ears.
Okay, I’m starting to get off-topic. I’ll skip to the important part. Toward the end of class, he started talking about how he was interested in filmmaking and got a portable video camera as a gift at last year’s Eid. He didn't have it on him, but he showed me a picture.
“Heh, that’s funny, I bought the same one a month ago.” I pointed out.
“Yeah, it's a popular model, I’m still getting the hang of it though cause I’m so used to using my phone.”
“Well, maybe I could bring you over to my place or vice versa after school and I can help you out.” I suggested.
He smiled, putting his phone back in his pocket.
“I thought you said you’ve only had it for a month? You know I can always look up tutorials from trained professionals.” he reminded me with a notable smugness that I'd used with him before.
“Well those guys are stuffy and I’m a fast learner.”
He redirected his attention back to his page, picking his pencil up.
“Alright, I suggest we go somewhere public instead. You’re not exactly the kind of person I want to bring home to my parents right away. Plus they always need to meet my friends and their guardians before I hang out at their home.”
I gave an exaggerated sigh, stretching my back.
“Aw man, looks like we can’t get high in my murder pit during our first hangout.”
He didn't respond for a solid few seconds.
“Wait, you do know I'm joking right?”
He shrugged, the smile in his eyes appearing again.
“I mean, one of those things is a little less believable than the other.” he snickered, and I laughed with him.
We set up a time and a date, which is where I screwed myself. He ended up being busy with projects from his other classes and family which just left us with Friday, the same day I had to submit the video. Now, did I tell him I wouldn't be able to make it? No, of course not, because I decided to be stupid and even more overconfident. I said that I’d one hundred percent be able to hang out with him after school like I didn't have a mutilator who was going to drop by my place at an unknown time.
The rest of the day went over fine but that bad timing led me to feel like a dick later. When I got home I was able to write out my plan, even sketching a few specifics of what I’d do. It was more exciting than when I’d been brainstorming, but this is when the gravity of the situation began to set in. When I said I’d fantasized about killings I meant it. I mean my teddy with twenty-five stab wounds should say enough. Regardless this would be the first time real blood was on my hands.
It made me feel powerful, but a little afraid. I’ve heard stories of people thinking that it would be an awesome experience and then feeling like shit. I doubted I’d be one of those people but still. Plus, I didn't exactly trust the guy who gave me this job. There was a good chance that this whole situation was rigged and they’d kill me no matter how good the video was. Or worse turn me into the feds and expose my collection. Honestly, if that happened I’d probably eat a shot to avoid going to jail. Wait, can I say that on this platform? Okay to the mods, that was a joke, I want to live a long life. Ugh, I’m doing a terrible job of staying on track. The point is there was a lot up in the air despite it being a matter of life or death.
I knew I’d go through with it but it was still a lot less straightforward than it initially seemed. I wracked my brain to remember where most of the cats stayed and tried to come up with a good way to lure one without raising suspicion. This also proved harder than first thought because I didn't think to account for the cat man, an old guy who lived alone and fed all the cats in our dingy complex while also housing a few. Knowing how obsessive he was he’d probably notice if one of them disappeared. Then again not all the cats return consistently or at all. It makes more sense that he’d think one of them was run over rather than slaughtered. It was getting late again so I rested my head for a moment, a bad move cause I ended up falling asleep at my desk. Not even changing out of the clothes I’d worn before, I woke up late and barely caught the bus the next morning.
I went to my usual spot but Abdul had already taken it. He patted the area next to it, which he’d covered in a towel, a smart move knowing how nasty it was. People gave me a few dirty looks as normal, which I smiled at. I stretched, my mind slightly less out of it than the previous morning.
“Uh, you do realize that-”
“Yeah, I know I’m wearing the same clothes.”
Abdul looked me up and down, his eyes remaining soft, but with a mix of concern and judgment. He set his backpack down and took off his sweater handing it to me.
“Dude what are you-”
“Look I don't know what led to you not being able to change but I think you should at least have a fresh top.”
I was surprised he was offering me something to wear but I took it.
“Uh, thanks, I’ll change into it later.”
He nodded as I put it in my backpack.
“You know you didn't have to do that.” I reminded him.
“Well there’s a lot of stuff I don’t have to do, but I do it because I want to, and I wanted to help you out.”
He smiled, his face still warmer than an Arizona summer. I got a strange feeling in my chest at that moment, I still can’t tell if it was good or bad.
“Well, thanks, I'll give it back to you tomorrow.”
We talked a little more and he mentioned something that caught my attention.
“Have you heard about all the animals that have been turning up dead?”
My eyes widened with surprise.
“No, I haven't, when did you hear about that?”
He pulled on his long-sleeve shirt.
“My sister said her friend who works at a shelter noticed a bunch of animals were getting adopted by people around the same time, and since then gore videos with them have been showing up. She found out through her co-worker who was emailed it by some random creep.”
I covered my mouth and looked away to hide the smile growing on my face. He had just given me the perfect cover-up without knowing. Now if I killed an animal people had an entire violent ring to connect it to instead of me! I stayed quiet for a minute because I could tell he’d likely see through any phony sad sounds I made.
“Oh wow, that’s awful, do you think they’ll ever find out the people behind it?”
He sighed, running his hand through his wavy hair.
“I hope so, for now, all we can do is pray that no more animals get hurt.”
I couldn't contain my grin as he said that so sincerely like animals and people didn't die constantly and that taking down one group would somehow stop the issue.
“Is there some joke I don’t get?” he furrowed his brow.
“Uh, no, sorry I smile when nervous.”
His gaze softened again, and he didn't press further.
His bringing up the animal killings ended up being the exact push I needed to get my hands dirty. I’d spent the entire day before planning so it was time to put that plan into action. I stole some cat treats that the cat man had laid out and spread them around my apartment which was on the bottom floor. Waiting for one of them to take the bate outside my window was pretty boring but one of them came after a few minutes. A scraggly brown and black cat with a tuft of fur missing on one side of his head. It's messed up but I felt like a little less of an asshole for taking him in since he looked like he was already struggling. I scooped him up and he didn't attempt to fight back.
“Hey there buddy” I waved, feeding him some more food. His eyes had a lot of crust on them, it was kinda gross but I don’t have the right to say with how often I wash my jeans. After a minute or two he let me pet him. I knew making any kind of attachment was bad but I thought it was the right thing to do so he’d fall into a sense of security. I was just about to take him into my room when the door opened.
“Hey, I’m back with groceries!” my shithead cousin announced with two plastic bags in his hands. He looked down to see me with the cat, his eyebrows raising.
“Aw come on, you know we can’t afford a pet.”
He groaned placing the bags on a table and unloading them.
“I know, but he doesn't look like he’s got a lot of life in him I at least want to help him feel better before he kicks the bucket!”
Brick rolled his eyes, putting the cereal box on top of the fridge
“Jeez, did you even think about what diseases he might have? His eyes look puffy what if he has something that can get you sick?”
He had valid concerns which was surprising since he’s usually stupid, but I was still annoyed with him.
“I’m sure he’s fine, I’ll even try to wash him, just please let me hold onto him for a little.”
He folded his arms looking down at us.
“Have you even named him?”
I froze for a second, before using the first thing that came to mind, which ended up being pretty awful knowing my plans.
“Cash cow.” I blurted, awkwardly patting his head.
“Honestly that’s better than what I was expecting. I was sure you’d pick ‘Hellspawn Mcgee’ or something else corny.”
He meant to make fun of me but honestly, I would have named him that if I had more time.
“Ugh, anyway I got those dumb chips you like.”
He then pulled out a bag of the wrong chips.
“Dude those are the wrong ones, this is the third time you’ve mixed up the flavors.”
He threw them at me, scaring the cat slightly.
“Well, I pay for it so you shouldn't be so picky. Anyway, while I was in line I picked up something you might be into.”
He then tossed me a trashy teen magazine. One of my least favorite sorry excuses for an influencer on the cover.
“This is a joke, right?”
I couldn't believe my own adopted brother gave such little shit in my interests.
“I don't know, you decided to start being a girl for real this time so I thought the makeup tips on page ten would help you out.”
I scrunched my face at his comment.
“Dude I’ve been this way for years, just because I started wearing more makeup and dresses doesn't mean I’m more of a girl than when I didn't. I know you won’t get the two-spirit thing but come on.”
He shrugged, seeing me done with me even though he’d just shown up.
“Yeah well hey I’m trying. Anyway, just so you know a friend of mine is coming here Friday.”
My heart stopped.
“Wait why here? You live elsewhere why can’t you assholes go there or their place!”
He slammed his fist on the table.
“Will you shut the fuck up!”
He screamed with a phrase I’d grown numb to.
“I don't know, to be honest, something about wanting to move into this complex and this being a way to scout it out. I’m just letting you know now so you don’t act like a complete freak.”
“Jokes on you I’ll piss in whatever shitty beer you bring just cause you said that!”
I yelled back raising my voice higher than his. He face-palmed before putting the plastic bags in the drawer under the sink.
“Whatever, you and your ketamine-addict-looking cat have fun,” he told me while seating himself on the couch. I picked up the cat and walked into the bathroom to clean it. I closed the door and placed him in the dry tub. Using a small disposable mouthwash cup I got a little bit of water. I hadn't had a pet before so I wasn't sure how to approach the task. I dipped my fingers in the water and carefully pet it while pouring s small bit down his back. Any other cat would fight back but he just made pissed-off noises without doing anything.
I scrapped my old shampoo bottle and kneaded it into his thin fur. His skin was bumpy and dry beneath the hair so scrubbing it was uncomfortable. I made sure to avoid getting soap in its eyes but I did pull away some of the crust on its lids. His pupils were so clouded I was surprised that he could see at all, making me feel even more sure that he would be on its way out with or without me.
After drying him I set him on a beat-up shirt I wore when modifying clothes. He sunk his claws into it a few times, playing with a loose string. I ignored him for the rest of the night, hopping into the shower and changing for bed. His meows woke me up a few times but I tuned it out after a while, reminding myself that he wouldn’t be my cat for long.
The next day was Thursday and there wasn't a second that passed by where the weight of the murder I’d have to commit didn't weigh on me. I seriously shot myself in the foot by taking care of that scruffy, pubic hair pile. I was supposed to be hyped about killing it, after all, I’d dreamed and seen way worse than what I was going to do. Yet once I got home and started setting up I felt grosser with each step. I decided to record it in my bathroom instead of my bedroom so it would be harder to connect to me. I set down a few fabric scraps and a worn-out beach towel, placing it all inside a tub for easier cleanup later.
“Okay, I guess it's time,” I mumbled to myself. I brought the cat in and placed it down, setting up my camera once it was comfortable. I also wore my most generic clothes in addition to a mask, putting my hair in a bun for sanitation. When I saw the flicker of red showing that the camera was on I felt I was dreaming. I smiled, excited that I’d get to live out my violent desires. Yet, when I looked down at its pathetic frame and confused expression those urges left me.
I rationalized what I was doing, reminding myself how many animals die all the time and that I’d been forced into this, but it didn't help much in the end. I won’t get into it but under the pressure of impressing the group Cash Cow didn't go out as fast as I would have liked for a first task. Getting rid of the evidence was especially rough, the textures were pretty nasty, to put it mildly. It was surreal watching the blood go down the tub drain and gradually drip off my hands as I rinsed them. I couldn't conjure a single thought the entire time I cleaned it up.
Whether I was wringing out the clothes or putting the remains in plastic bags, it didn't matter. All I could focus on was the task at hand, with hints of disgust along the way. I ended up finishing at three AM. My hands were wrinkled and shook once I settled. I won’t deny that during the murder I didn't hate it. Slashing into something was fun and it made me feel strong. Still, it wasn't nearly as fulfilling as I expected it to be. Part of it was guilt, but it was mostly disappointment. I’d built it up for years and it wasn't earth shatteringly good or bad.
Overall, I expected to feel more, but it just left me hollow with an uncomfortable itch. There was no way I’d ever be able to see the tub the same way, hell I don’t think I’ll ever use it again. Luckily I almost always shower anyway so it's not too big of a deal. I watched a few horror game videos, trashed everything, changed and went to bed.
My scalp hurt like a bitch the morning since I kept my hair in that stupid bun. Despite getting less sleep than the past two days I held myself together a bit better in the morning. I brushed my teeth, changed, and had some fried bread before getting on the bus. Regardless I looked like complete shit and struggled to slump into my seat.
“Rough night?” Abdul asked
“Uh, yeah.” I quietly responded looking to the floor.
He frowned, looking at me with concern.
“You can talk about it if you're comfortable,” he assured me. I contemplated giving him a thinly veiled metaphor or vague explanation so he'd comfort me but stopped myself before my mouth could run a muck. He wouldn't be able to do much of anything and I don’t like opening up.
“Uhm, thanks but it's something I have to deal with alone.”
He nodded, respecting my boundaries.
“You know, I understand if you can’t hang out today it seems like you have a lot going on.”
I avoided eye contact with him as he spoke. For once I was feeling hints of guilt toward a person. I wanted to spend time with him, but I knew that I wasn't in the state to do that.
“Yeah, I think it’ll have to wait, I’m-” I cut myself off before apologizing. A fact about me that should surprise no one is that I hate apologizing. Even when I do feel kinda bad the act fills me with embarrassment.
“You what?” he asked, his eyes telling me that he knew what I was going to say.
“I’m emotionally not great.” I spat out in an admittedly poor attempt to get out of saying sorry. As always he remained calm but I could tell he saw through me.
“Okay, like I said I understand, whatever it is I hope you feel better.”
I told him thank you and we didn't speak for the rest of the day. At home I changed into more comfortable clothes and brushed my teeth. Unfortunately, I wasn't bouncing back from killing nearly as much as I expected.
“It wasn't even that bad! That thing was on its last legs anyway.” I grumbled to myself, smacking my forehead. I was feeling worse than when I did it which is weird. I ended up spontaneously decorating a ratty tie from the bottom of an accessory drawer to distract myself. It helped me get my mind off things, for a little. I had zero plan, just wanting to make something needlessly complex. Hours that felt like minutes passed and soon it was covered in patches, frills, and beads. I just tried it on when I heard the front door open.
“Man, that shit was wild!” I heard Brick laugh groggily. I didn't have to see or smell him to know he’d gotten lit. I rolled my eyes, closing my bedroom door.
“Hey, who’s there?” his friend asked, seemingly referring to me.
“Oh, that’s my little sis, don’t mind her she’s just on her emo shit!” he joked, which pissed me off for the petty reason that I didn't even listen or dress emo.
“Hey, that’s alright with me, I went through one of those phases,” they responded, their words less slurred than my cousin’s.
I fucked up and forgot to lock it when I closed it so they were able to swing it open, almost smacking my desk.
“Hey emo girl!” they waved as Brick haphazardly pulled them back.
“Okay, man, seriously I think she wants to be left alone.”
The way his friend looked at me made me uncomfortable. Like they’d snap my neck if I pissed them off. They clicked their tongue while stepping through the door frame.
“Alright, but I gotta say calling her an emo is inaccurate, they look like they watch gore and most emos just say they do.” they flashed a sharp toothy grin. At that moment I began to connect the dots.
“Easy, she’ll get pissy with you dude, now come on.” Brick warned tugging their opened button pushed him away. They looked me dead in the eyes.
“I don’t think she minds, in truth, I feel like we’ll have a lot to discuss later.” they smiled again, finally walking back into the living room. A chill ran up my spine when I saw them. The sharp teeth, New York accent, unsettling gaze, that motherfucker was the person who recruited me! They were able to get into my place so easily cause my dumbass cousin probably gave them a spare key or the opportunity to make one, and now they were a room away from me!
I dug my hands into my pillow as I contemplated what to do, no matter what happened next, I knew it was gonna be a rough visit.

The United Kingdom boasts the most lucrative ecommerce market in Europe, with the ecommerce industry reaching £103 billion in revenue in 2023. Over 27 million people made online clothing purchases last year, contributing significantly to this growth. ,
We explored the best online clothing stores in the UK, covering product ranges, best sellers, and prices in our article.
Here is a quick summary of the full post:

Gymshark

• Overview: Renowned as one of the best ecommerce companies in the UK, Gymshark stands out as a top online sportswear store built on Shopify. The Gymshark products are designed to help and encourage customers to perform at their best and achieve their fitness goals.
• Product Range: Fitness apparel for men and women, including t-shirts, leggings, shorts, hoodies, and sports bras.
• Best Sellers: Adapt Fleck Seamless Shorts, Crest Tank
• Price Range: £20 - £120

Oh Polly

• Overview: Oh Polly is a premium women’s fashion brand offering trendy and flattering clothing. It began by selling clothes on eBay and has grown into aone of the leading DTC brands, designing and producing its own garments.
• Product Range: Dresses, trousers, swimwear, beachwear, and accessories.
• Best Sellers: CALI, ELLI
• Price Range: £17 - £220

ASOS

• Overview: ASOS aims to provide young adults with a wide variety of high-quality clothing, accessories, and beauty products. The brand stands out for its vast product lineup, featuring premium brands alongside its own range of clothing and accessories.
• Product Range: Clothing, accessories, footwear, and beauty items.
• Best Sellers: ASOS DESIGN denim jacket, Levi’s t-shirt
• Price Range: Under £20 to over £200

Boohoo

• Overview: Boohoo is known for trendy, affordable fashion targeted at young adults. The brand leverages a strong social media presence to engage with its audience, particularly through platforms like Instagram.
• Product Range: Dresses, tops, shoes, and accessories.
• Best Sellers: LINEN PINSTRIPE PUFF SLEEVE CROP TOP, TONAL STRIPE LINEN LOOK SHORTS
• Price Range: £24 - £44

Club L London

• Overview: Club L London offers “accessible luxury” through its distinctive range of apparel aimed at forward-thinking women. The brand emphasizes quality and unique design, catering to sizes UK 4-24 and US 0-20.
• Product Range: Dresses, tailored suits, jumpsuits, accessories.
• Best Sellers: EVA, LAW OF ATTRACTION
• Price Range: £20 - £200

Represent

• Overview: Represent is a British luxury streetwear brand known for its distinctive approach to fashion that merges street style with high-end craftsmanship. The brand is acclaimed for its meticulous attention to detail and the use of premium materials.
• Product Range: T-shirts, hoodies, pants, outerwear, accessories.
• Best Sellers: REPRESENT OWNERS CLUB HOODIE, REPRESENT OWNERS CLUB T-SHIRT
• Price Range: £20 - £900

Motel

• Overview: Motel is a vibrant and trendy fashion brand known for its eclectic and vintage-inspired fashion that resonates with young, style-conscious individuals. The brand works with a global team to create trendy, expressive pieces for its core collections.
• Product Range: Dresses, trousers, skirts, swimwear, knitwear, accessories.
• Best Sellers: Pami Bikini Top, Jarli Hot Pants
• Price Range: £22 - £60

Chi Chi London

• Overview: Chi Chi London is a vibrant and fashion-forward brand known for its unique, trend-setting designs. The brand prides itself on bringing catwalk-inspired fashion directly to the high street, offering exclusive styles that celebrate individuality.
• Product Range: Dresses for various occasions, tops, trousers, skirts, outerwear.
• Best Sellers: V Neck Floral Embroidered Lace Midi Dress, Knot Detail Maxi Dress in Champagne
• Price Range: Under £50 to around £200

Pretty Little Thing

• Overview: Part of the Boohoo Group, PrettyLittleThing is a UK-based fast-fashion brand targeting young women, emphasizing trend-driven styles. The brand operates internationally, focusing on affordable fashion to ensure style accessibility across budgets.
• Product Range: Dresses, tops, shoes, accessories, beauty products.
• Best Sellers: Petite Basic Grey Cotton Blend Cycle Shorts, Cream Contour Sculpt Short Sleeve T Shirt
• Price Range: Starting at £9

Glamorous

• Overview: Glamorous offers contemporary and affordable fashion, available in over 30 countries. Known for its contemporary and affordable fashion, the brand thrives on being at the forefront of fashion trends.
• Product Range: Dresses, jeans, coats, jackets, shoes, accessories.
• Best Sellers: Apple-Green Pink Lace Trim Mini-Dress, Fuchsia Ruffle Halterneck Mini-Dress
• Price Range: Tops for under £30 to mini dresses over £150

Statistics of Online Clothing Stores in the UK

• Current Buyers: Over 27 million UK residents purchased clothing online in 2023, expected to increase to over 32 million by 2028.
• Ecommerce Revenue from Fashion: In 2023, sales from apparel, shoes, handbags, and accessories contributed nearly one-third of the ecommerce revenue in the UK, surpassing £35 billion.
• Revenue Forecast: The fashion ecommerce market is projected to grow by £14.3 billion by 2029, reaching nearly £47 billion.
• Market Penetration: The penetration rate of apparel ecommerce stood at 15.2%.

Demographics & Shopping Trends

• Millennials (Ages 27-42): 70% reported primarily shopping online for clothing and footwear in Q2 2023.
  
• Generation Z: 50% preferred online shopping for apparel.
  
• Primary Age Groups & Gender Differences: The largest segment of mobile clothing shoppers was those aged 25-34, accounting for 52.3%. Men were 4% more likely than women to shop online for apparel.
  

Conclusion: Leading Online Stores in the UK

The UK’s top online clothing stores are reshaping how we think about fashion shopping. From impressive growth in the overall UK ecommerce sector to distinctive shopping preferences and options, online stores are meeting and often exceeding customer expectations. Whether seeking the latest trends, best deals, or most sustainable choices, online clothing shopping offers many options and benefits.
If you want to explore statistics or ecommerce-related content, you can browse the pieces we have crafted earlier:

• 80+ Key Ecommerce Statistics
• 10+ Top Ecommerce Podcasts to Explore (2024)
• Ecommerce Cart Abandonment Statistics
• Explore Top Temu Statistics (2024)

But even typing this, it doesn’t feel real. I still have hope tonight that he can change. I feel so stupid.
I am 38F and he is 39M.
I am devastated. I would do anything and everything to be married forever, but it’s no longer an option and hasn’t been since the fourth month of our marriage. I was 8 weeks pregnant with his child and he assaulted me with a metal cup in the car while he was driving on the freeway because I wouldn’t stop saying why he was upsetting me. The fight continued when we got home and he had called the police, lied to them and had me arrested. Eight weeks pregnant. With bruises up and down my body. I got arrested. I spent the night in jail and had to listen to my baby’s heartbeat for the first time from a county jail exam table.
Somehow, through that, we stayed married. Abuse makes you do wild things. It changes your brain. Abusers purposely make you confused. Through counseling, I am coming out of the confusion now, though.
I could go on and on about the abuse I have suffered. I am here today because typing this makes it real that I am leaving. And I am here today because I need support in understanding that he is not going to change.
This morning things escalated by 8am. This is typical weekend behavior. I discovered that he has been smoking cigarettes in one of the vehicles that is in my name and that I pay for, and that I have asked him not to smoke in repeatedly. I do not smoke. I think it’s gross. And it has ruined the interior of this vehicle that is expensive. Not only that, but our child has asthma. Most likely because he IS a smoker. Anyway, I grabbed something out of the vehicle for his 6yo and I came back in and simply said “please don’t smoke in the truck anymore. Please don’t tell me that you haven’t been either.” This sent him into a spiral. He called me names and said that I am controlling. He started following me around the house screaming behind my head. He is nearly a foot taller than me and this is physically intimidating to me. So much so that my hands start to shake, my heart races and my thoughts become blurry when he does this. I knew at this point it was best for me to get our child and leave. So I was doing that. But this morning he would not let me leave the bedroom and was blocking me from leaving with our child with his body in the doorway. I told him I was going to call non-emergency if he didn’t move. And he would not. So I was trying to figure out how to call but my hands were shaking so bad and my brain was so jumbled I gave up and called my sister on speaker. I asked her to call the police. As soon as he saw her name on my phone he moved and let me leave. He yelled at me and our child out the door and to the neighborhood “see - I’m so scary - I’m letting you leave”. I got our child in the backseat and drove down the street to park and get them dressed. They were only in a pull up. I saw the officer coming down the road and flagged him down. I told him what happened and he went and talked with him. I left with our child and went to my sisters. Eventually we came home and he has been upstairs ever since. This is also typical. He will have an outburst. And then go upstairs and not speak to me for a week. And then one morning he’ll just wake up and decide that it’s time to be normal again. And generally comes to me and says “have you calmed down”. Which, as you can imagine, perpetuates the situation further. And drags it on. He does not understand accountability.
We have been married 3.5 years, together for 5 total. We have one child together (2yo) and he has two other children (6yo and 14yo).
We moved in together after 9 months of dating. That is when the abuse started. The first time he was physically abusive, he broke through our bedroom door. Broke. The entire door - down. Somehow, I decided to continue.
From the start, I’ve known it was never going to last. He is unstable. He has a long and dark history of mental illness (both himself and his immediate maternal and paternal family). In addition to struggling with substance abuse his entire life. His childhood is tragic and full of heartache. It shaped the man he is today, and not for the better.
He is in the trades industry and has a GED. I am a director level professional and have a college degree. His father was in prison for the last half of his childhood and eventually took his life when he was released. My father is a retired architect, Vietnam vet. We grew up completely different. Both of our parents divorced. He then suffered verbal and emotional abuse from his step father. I suffered verbal, emotional, and physical abuse from my mother.
I believe my mother is a narcissist and undiagnosed. And I believe my husband has narcissistic tendencies and/or is one. But I am not a medical professional. I am going on what I’ve experienced with both of them.
When we first met, he was 34 and I was 33. He was unemployed and really not doing well. Drinking in access. A lot. Everyday. But I did not know. I was doing very well. I had spent my 20s creating a fulfilling and financially successful career. He spent his 20s job hopping and, quite honestly, messing around. But we had fun together. But having fun together is not real life.
Here is where the manipulation began. He was upfront about his upbringing and past. And was genuinely making steps towards a better life. He is a born again Christian. And as an educated person, I believe he has grabbed on to what is actually important in the Bible. However, he is unable to abide by what a husband biblically should be. He does not love, protect or provide for me or our child. We joined a church, I became involved and made friends, and we went there as a family for multiple years. Until one night he showed up drunk, and I never went back.
I am the breadwinner. I pay for ev. ry. thing. He keeps his entire paycheck and will not give me money to pay bills. He will also not physically pay the bills. I manage and pay all bills. But not because I don’t want him to. I have begged, cried, and tried a million different systems (both digital and analog) to make him involved. And he flat out refuses. He abused our shared checking by taking money out to “pay bills” from his personal checking account and then did not pay those bills and spent the money. So I would then have to pay multiple months and late fees to catch up. Many. Many. Times.
In addition to not contributing financially, he does not contribute to the household upkeep or yard maintenance. Literally nothing. If I want the yard kept, I do it, or I pay someone to do it. If something on a vehicle goes out, I make the appointment and consult with the technician. But again, not because I want to, but because he will not participate. Or if he does, it’s half assed and more work for me. He does not grocery shop or cook. He has never cooked one meal for me. I think he’s maybe gotten a bowl of ice cream for me a couple times? He does not clean. He has cleaned the bathroom in our home two times. We have lived here 4 years. We live in separate bedrooms because he won’t pickup after himself. His room is squalor. Clothes on every square inch. Fast food wrappers. No sheet on mattress. I have cleaned it for him many times in hopes that we could make a drastic change and start sleepin next to each other again. But he refuses. I know this sounds insane that I have stayed married. It sounds insane to me.
He verbally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, sexually and financially abuses me. Maybe not all at once, everyday. But one of them most likely daily now. Or a couple. It’s been a very long time since there has been a long stretch of stability or peace.
However, I am changing all of that this year. I have hired an attorney and am climbing through the paperwork right now.
On Christmas morning last year, before we hosted family that day, he threw a (heavy) laundry basket full of dirty clothes at me as I was going down the stairs because I asked him for help with something. And after the first one hit me, I sat down and covered my head so I wouldn’t fall, and he threw another one at me. I don’t know how I masked my raw emotions through the rest of the day with family over. I ate not one bite. I pushed my food around my plate and tried to make my face contort into normal emotions for the day.
But I stayed. Again.
Mother’s Day morning this year. Just one week ago - I spent it locked in my bedroom with our child paying the divorce attorney retainer fee on the laptop as he screamed at me what a piece of shit mother and wife I am. I honestly don’t even know what I did or remember why it escalated. Most likely because it was a holiday - and not about him.
I am exhausted. I have lost close to 30lbs since January. People are beginning to notice.
I wanted a family more than anything. I adore my child. I spend my days and nights dreaming up ways to enrich their life. I wanted family vacations and world travel. I wanted to host, big, extended family holiday gatherings. I wanted my little baby to know what it felt like to have a mom and dad at home together every night. But not at this cost. The very worst part of my parenting is staying married. I am a bad parent every day that I stay here.
I wish I could file the petition and fast forward a year. I know I’ll be okay. It’s ripping off the bandaid that hurts.

Set app; Soup - roasted tomato, red pepper and feta bisque. Garnished with evoo, blistered cherry tomato and basil chif.
Shared app; tuna crudo - seared tuna with soy based sesame ginger dressing, fresh cucumber, scallion, micro greens Panko pearl onions - panko breaded fried onions with a classic dipping sauce and kewpie spicy mayo
Entree, family style; Seared seabass, creamy polenta, with local harvest ratatouille, shaved local parm
Roasted beef tenderloin, creamy mushroom sauce, sauteed root veg greens, roasted fingerlings
Dessert - local berry crisp, fresh whipped cream.
All veg except the peppers and tomatoes are local. The soup is just a solid soup, always a crowd pleaser.
The tuna crudo harkens back to my sushi past without over committing to a sushi dinner.
The panko pearl onions are a fun remix on a classic bar item; and is pandering to the preference of one of the family.
The seabass is a Mediterranean French inspired dish feels elevated while being simple to execute.
The tenderloin is really from the heart, as it brings nostalgia for the holidays and cooking for my family. A simple classic executed perfectly.
And the crisp is my favorite dessert to implement; simple and cheap, uses seasonal ingredients, is easily preprepped and stored, comfy and again CHEAP.
This isn't set in stone but the dinner is on Monday and I get to see the space tomorrow. I crose utilize ingredients like the tomato and pepper in the ratatouille and the beet/turnip greens from that veg for the steak.
Edit;
I'm definitely hearing feedback that this is dated, which is fair, but so is the region. I'm in a mountain tourist town, the director has been here for 36 years, and the owners of the resort are rich old white people. We host a as
Yes I know seared tuna is not a crudo but that is more approachable than "tataki"
I think y'all are right that I'm trying too hard to stick to the safe choices they gave me examples of.
Goat cheese curds are a hit and they don't have cheese curds here so maybe I'll do those first course. Bao buns are an easy win but I need to make them from scratch, which I can do.
Dumplings are an easy win but I can't promise to fabricate dumplings for a resort hosting 400 people. Can't do sushi for the same reason.
They want "a few proteins" so what I'm really stuck on are the entrees. While I sold them on global shared plates, we do still do plated banquets and parties so that is important to know how to do, which is why I went with an American classic that will be done well.

Conversational Uglies in Cafe
Hi guys. I’m aware this poem requires a bit of (medical) context so you can scroll to the end for it or you can just experience it blind. ( 1 2 )
\\
My body is whimpering these begs to stay alive.
But I withhold the medicine in a a literal gut wrenching tease (side effects include: severe abdominal pain).
There’s no cure for this disease and several names for this cruelty.
I’ll shuffle through them like a deck of cards. Make your bets now. How many hospital visits this year? Just one if I do this right…
When the lights go off and nobody’s home,
the report will say the house was last observed hollow,
because my body was eating itself to stay alive and all these ugly musings died with me.
What can I say? My liver’s a champion.
I’m lucky. That’s what the doctor said.
Ha.
On my deathbed, the boisterous cadences of my hunger will have followed me.
Echoing from the flimsy walls of this wicked anatomy.
(A moment of silence to let the teenage-edginess pass, please. The flesh must mock itself to save itself).
What was it for? I.E this self-inflicted torture.
A body in pain is easier to inhabit, that’s how it’s always been for me.
Even the anxieties are worth the way my collarbones jut in this sexy way.
“Too much, too much, Body. Rein it in. Tone it down.”
There’s a strategy to this, you see. The best killers are only briefly suspect.
My skin is yellow. My skin is dry. I’ll go blind one day. Not today. Two warring concepts. Who I Am and Who I Thought I Was.
(“You’re lucky.”)
Oh, how the dress clings…
Insert cartoonish sound effects of medicine being injected.
The swelling is instant. Of my body, and of the orchestra as my life is finally fed. (THE DRESS CLINGS! IT MUSTN’T! IT MUSTN’T!).
My bloodstream’s biased. Can’t listen to it. My brain chemistry is feeling conflicted about the whole ordeal but it’ll come around.
Self-love is important and I’m afraid the insulin metabolizes it, too.
I won’t let myself swallow my reality.
But this tiramisu serves my goals perfectly, friend (It comes in biscuit-cream-coffee-chocolate-devastation layers).
I’m supermodel-level agonized, baby. That’s the suffering we all strive for.
I make an idol of the grief.
The months keep track of themselves loudly. (Doctor in ICU: you’re just waiting for an accident to happen. (Girl has no response)).
Anyhow, a corpse can’t feel regret so I’m not too worried.
Just pretend you understand my humor (like how I pretend I don’t understand this sacrifice).
This one’s on me if you promise never to ask how I am.
///
Context: Diabulimia is a complicated eating disorder where a diabetic will purposely withhold insulin to lose weight (as insulin is a hormone that helps sugar enter cells for energy and therefore cause weight gain). As insulin is withheld, the liver begins to breakdown fat and basically melt it into the bloodstream for energy. Weight is lost but the blood’s acidity rises as a consequence leading to DKA, fatal if not treated. If you or someone you know is exhibiting side effects of DKA or diabulimia, allow me to be cliche and advise you to seek help.

I tried commenting on my last post with this, but I kept getting an error.
Hello! Here is my packing list for an upcoming G Adventures Central America Tour (19 days): Feel free to let me know if there is anything you would add or subtract! Clothing: (in packing cubes) • Sunhat (Athleta) • Tevas • Keds • Rain jacket (Marmot) • 2x Swim tops (Amazon) • 2x Shorts (for swim/pajamas) (Nike) • Sleep tank • 3x Bras • 6x Underwear • 6x Tops (I was planning to cut down, but they all ended up fitting in the cube so I kept them) (Champion and Old Navy) • 2x Pants (North Face Aphrodite 2.0) • Sleep pants (could take these out) • Skirt (Sundry) • Dress (prAna, built in bra!) • Pashima from Italy (for warmth)
Inside personal item: (Kanken) • Water bottle • Charging brick • Sunglasses • 2x Lip balm • Tissues • Pads • Bandages • Sting relief wipes • Pills (allergies, pain, lactaid) • Deodorant • Lip stain (might get thrown out by TSA) • Hair ties • Earplugs • Belt bag with wallet, passport, phone, lip balm
Toiletries: • 3x Clay mask samples • Face cleanser • Moisturizer • Squalane/rose oil • Prescription acne medicine • 3x Conditioner mask samples • Hair serum sample • 5x Sunscreen sample • Toothpaste • Laundry soap liquid • Curly hair stylers (Shea Moisture and Ouidad)
• Solid shampoo and Dove bar soap (to be cut in half) • Q-tips • 2x Travel deodorant • Wide tooth comb • Razor • Toothbrush
Makeup: • Eyeliner • Sparkle eyeshadow • Small eye brush • Blush (Clinique Cheek Pop) • Retractable blush brush • Tube mascara • Liquid lipstick (might replace with solid for TSA) • Berry lip balm
Miscellaneous: • Bag filled with ziplocks • Hair accessories (headbands, clips, hairbands) • Travel clothesline • Pads stash • First aid kit (immodium, Ibuprofen, lactaid, bandaids, tape, antibacterial wipes, sting relief wipes, gauze sponge and roll, burn cream, hand sanitizer) • 8x Liquid IV • Travel microfiber towel (Amazon) • 20x protein bars (hidden throughout onebag) • Reusable tote bag • Bag locks and S-biners • Eyemask for sleeping

Notes: Forecast says: 40s-60s (°F). I still need to get detergent of some sort and decide on a clutch to bring. Debating packing my old Docs instead of the sneakers because I know they're comfy, but they are bulkier. Open to tips, tricks, opinions, recommendations, etc! this is my first solo trip since finding this sub, and my second ever, and I'm curious if there's anything I am overlooking or overpacking. :) Once packed, the bags together weighed ~18lbs.
not pictured (worn):

• gray Duluth fast-dry travel pants,
• beige sweater-coat,
• denim button-up,
• Darn Tough Merino Socks,
• chelsea/rain boots,
• bra + underwear
• I could probably layer one of my tops under the denim shirt, too.
• Deodorant, face-wash bar, a crescent bag from uniqlo that I ordered but hasnt arrived yet

Pictured:
Bags:

• 40L (when fully expanded) foldie duffel
• gray handbag

Misc:

• Sunglasses in case
• earbuds
• powerbank
• charger
• "emergency kit" zip pouch
• makeup roll-up with liquids + skincare
• iPad
• Book
• Pouch with: earplugs, jewelry, scrunchies, safety pins/hair ties/bobby pins, tiny nail-clipper

Clothes:

• mint sleeveless sweater
• blue cropped tank top
• long purple tank top
• scarf/shawl
• cream a-line skirt
• long-sleeve purple top
• long-sleeve blue top
• off-white tee
• mint tee
• teal t-shirt
• 3 bralettes
• 3 pairs of Bombas socks + 1 pair DarnTough merino socks
• Cream Levi Jeans
• white garment bag: event dress
• heels
• sneakers
• underwear in zip pouch

https://imgur.com/a/12-day-trip-qqbZoOg

Hello all. Looking for a dress watch that is 1. White or cream dial 2. Has a touch of rose or yellow gold (on hands or hour markers not solid gold all around) 3. Has a brown leather strap, 4. Not busy (two hands and maybe seconds or a date but nothing more), 5. Automatic or hand wind only.
Any suggestions? Thanks!