Tummy tuck gone wrong before and after
Beat The Meatles
2013.01.02 00:52 Zaxnaaog Beat The Meatles
Revolution 9 sucks amirite??? Punchy, Granny, Who?, The Drummer. beatles has no sense of humor TheBeatles has a 65+ age requirement pinkfloydcirclejerk banned me radioheadcirclejerk who?
2019.08.15 13:53 sim642 After and before
Before and after pictures in the wrong order, either accidentally, intentionally or humorously. Or just after picture used as before picture. Or reality vs expectation. Or anything similar.
2016.08.08 23:35 sossij Yeezys - Discussion, Release Dates and More
Yeezys; Sneakers and Fashion previously and currently designed by and in collaboration with Ye. Join us on Discord! https://discord.gg/yeezys
2024.05.20 06:00 AutoModerator Weekly Employment Question Thread
Welcome to the Weekly Employment Question Thread!
This thread is where you can ask questions about joining, training to become, testing, disqualifications/qualifications, and other questions that would be removed as individual posts per Rule 1.
The answer to almost every question you can ask will be "It depends on the department". Your first step is to look up the requirements for your department, state/province, and country.
As always, please attempt to resource information on your own first, before asking questions. We see many repeat questions on this sub that have been answered multiple times.
Frequently Asked Questions:
And lastly, If you're not 100% sure of what you're talking about, leave it for someone who does
submitted by AutoModerator to Firefighting [link] [comments]
This thread is where you can ask questions about joining, training to become, testing, disqualifications/qualifications, and other questions that would be removed as individual posts per Rule 1.
The answer to almost every question you can ask will be "It depends on the department". Your first step is to look up the requirements for your department, state/province, and country.
As always, please attempt to resource information on your own first, before asking questions. We see many repeat questions on this sub that have been answered multiple times.
Frequently Asked Questions:
- I want to be a Firefighter, where do I start: Every Country/State/Province/County/City/Department has different requirements. Some require you only to put in an application. Others require certifications prior to being hired. A good place to start is researching the department(s) you want to join. Visit their website, check their requirements, and/or stop into one of their fire stations to ask some questions.
- Am I too old: Many departments, typically career municipal ones, have an age limit. Volunteer departments usually don't. Check each department's requirements.
- I'm in high school, What can I do: Does your local department have an explorer's program or post? If so, join up. Otherwise, focus on your grades, get in shape and stay in shape, and most importantly: stay out of trouble.
- I got in trouble for [insert infraction here], what are my chances: Obviously, worse than someone with a clean record, which will be the vast majority of your competition. Tickets and nonviolent misdemeanors may not be a factor, but a major crime (felonies), may take you out of the running. You might be a nice person, but some departments don't make exceptions, especially if there's a long line of applicants with clean records. See this post... PSA: Stop asking “what are my chances?”
- I have [insert medical/mental health condition here], will it disqualify me: As a general rule, if you are struggling with mental illness, adding the stress of a fire career is not a good idea. As for medical conditions, you can look up NFPA1582 for disqualifying conditions, but in general, this is not something Reddit can answer for you. Many conditions require the input of a medical professional to determine if they are disqualifying. See this post... PSA: Don't disqualify yourself, make THEM tell you "no".
- What will increase my chances of getting hired: If there's a civil service exam, study for it! There are many guides online that will help you go over all those things you forgot such as basic math and reading. Some cities even give you a study guide. If it's a firefighter exam, study for it! For the CPAT (Physical Fitness Test), cardio is arguably the most important factor. If you're going to the gym for the first time during the hiring process, you're fighting an uphill battle. Get in shape and stay in shape. Most cities offer preference points to military veterans.
- How do I prepare for an interview: Interviews can be one-on-one, or in front of a board/panel. Many generic guides exist to help one prepare for an interview, however here are a few good tips:
- Dress appropriately. Business casual at a minimum (Button down, tucked in long sleeve shirt with slacks and a belt, and dress shoes). Get a decent haircut and shave.
- Practice interview questions with a friend. You can't accurately predict the off-the-wall questions they will ask, but you can practice the ones you know they probably will, like why do you want to be a Firefighter, or why should we hire you?
- Scrub your social media. Gone are the days when people in charge weren't tech-savvy. Don't have a perfect interview only for your chances of being hired gone to zero because your Facebook or Instagram has pictures of you getting blitzed. Set that stuff to private and leave it that way.
And lastly, If you're not 100% sure of what you're talking about, leave it for someone who does
2024.05.20 06:00 Direct-Caterpillar77 GM Locked Me Out Of Interacting With Other Players Because I Got Confused
I am not The OOP, OOP is u/IcemanEx54
GM Locked Me Out Of Interacting With Other Players Because I Got Confused
Originally posted to rpghorrorstories
TRIGGER WARNING: manipulation, controlling behavior, sexism
Original Post March 6, 2024
I'm a player in a tabletop RPG campaign and I just wanted to vent about this session. The GM uses a "rules light" homebrew system and it's his homebrew world as well. He's been doing this campaign for years now, but I just joined through a mutual friend after another player left recently.
When I joined the campaign, the GM had told me he wanted me to be from a particular country as a prince, and since it was his homebrewed world, I went with it. The country I'm a prince of is a massive empire that has conquered many lands. I wanted to be a morally good character so I made up a backstory where my prince had a secret romance with a commoner so it gave me more empathy and understanding than my other royal peers would have. Then in session 1, he had the commoner immediately break up with me since the players were all leaving the city session 1.
Several sessions later, there is a carnival being hosted in the empire and all the players are attending. The players split up and my part began with my character watching as a mentally handicap child was put in the dunk tank and was being dunked against his will. So I had my character help the child and stop the game (This isn't relevant to the larger story but I thought it was really weird). Then I am told I have to go to the "main stage" which is just a strip club seemingly. And of course, walking around topless serving drinks is my character's commoner love interest that I made in session 0. The GM laughs a bit and comments, "Isn't it funny? Look at what your ex has to do without you." I have my character give her the shirt off his back and we go to the outskirts of the carnival to find a quiet place to talk, but then the carnival was ambushed by some enemies as arrows and fire rained down on the parade.
Suddenly, my character and his ex are teleported back to the main stage and the GM starts jumping back and forth between all the player characters asking what we want to do without any sort of initiative and if we don't respond quickly enough he skips to another player. I ask, "What direction are the arrows coming from?" GM, "You can't tell". "Which direction to the palace?" I ask. "You don't know," he tells me. I'm honestly genuinely confused about what to do here and my mind goes blank, but then the GM has my bodyguard (a Brienne of Tarth type) tell me to follow her so I do. As he cuts back and forth, another player loses his mom in the chaos, I tell GM, "I want to help him find his mom." "You can't see him" GM tells me. Then I ended up surrounded by 12 ambushers in the "Pleasure Gardens". GM asked what I would do. I say since the carnival is burning, I look for a piece of wood on fire and since it's the pleasure gardens maybe there's some oil I can spill and light on fire to separate myself, my bodyguard, and ex who are all with me from the ambushers. He tells me there's no oil and then I'm held down by the men. I tried to escape, but he says I failed (he just did a dice roll behind his screen and didn't tell me the results). I am then hogtied by the ambushers with my bodyguard and ex and thrown in a cart. Meanwhile, the other two players have stolen a cart and are escaping. I try to do a goofy wave as my character is tied up towards my companions and he just says, the carts never pass each other so the other players don't see you. Before the session ends he tells me my bodyguard is dead.
After the session, I think my body language showed I was a bit bummed. So GM pipes in, "You want to know why you failed that encounter?" He proceeded to tell me it was because I followed my bodyguard and there was no way a woman could have protected me and I needed to make the choice instead. Some of the other players chimed in and said it was surprising my bodyguard failed since in the lore she was a 20-year veteran who survived "The Great War". The GM keeps defending his choice. Then he started making self-deprecating jokes about how he just sucks then and he's the worst GM ever until the other players all reassure him it's fine. I kind of just sat there shell-shocked.
His system reduces dice rolls to a rarity and he does them all himself as a "way to keep tension". I'm honestly more about hanging out with my friends than judging the quality of any campaign or system but this was my first "combat" of any sort in the campaign and I just felt so helpless in this system and it was frustrating. Plus there are no insight or persuasion rolls, just what the GM claims "my character would know" and "how his NPCs would act". So I'm not sure how I was supposed to handle this encounter. Being a GM myself, I thought he was using my bodyguard character to get me back on track, but I thought wrong. I honestly wouldn't have minded if he was just railroading me for a plot point, but him trying to manipulate me and saying his hands were tied when he essentially locked me out of interacting with the other players for the rest of the session is what bothers me the most.
Edit: Changed gaslighting to manipulating since I was using the term wrong and don't want to dilute it's meaning.
Update: GM Defends Style And Told Me He Owns My Character March 20, 2024
This is an update from my post a couple of weeks ago.
One of my friends in the group reached out to me and asked me to not leave the group. He told me there were only 2 sessions left and asked me to stick around as a favor to him. I told him I'd reach out to GM and see if we could get on the same page. So I texted the GM and told him I wanted to talk because I had some concerns after the way everything went down last session. He was down and we talked on the phone a couple of days later. To my surprise, the first thing he did was profusely apologize. I hadn't been responding in our group chat, partly because I was mad and partly because my partner had a death in her family. I guess me not responding caused him to dwell on the last session a bunch. He said he was going to retcon my bodyguard's death and keep her alive. I even told him that the treatment of women in the campaign was bad and that it was making the story worse, he told me that it is something that he can work on being better about too. I was surprised, but all this gave me a lot of optimism for this conversation.
I was honest and I told him that his homebrew system is very difficult for me since I don't have a character sheet. So my character doesn't have abilities, he doesn't level up, and I can't do things like roll investigate or perception rolls which makes it hard for me to make informed decisions. I told him it makes me very risk adverse because I don't have things like HP to even know if I'm in danger. He responded to this by telling me I shouldn't worry about that because his GM style rewards me if I roleplay well enough. He went on to say he hates systems with things like perception rolls because that's "Not how real life works".
I also lamented the fact that I also don't get to interact with the other players much. I didn't mention this in my first post, but he plays with all of us in a Discord call but he only plays with us one at a time, and the two of us who aren't playing are expected to listen and record notable quotes for his notes. He'll switch between characters where each player gets 2-3 "scenes" in a 3 hour session. He has our characters all spread out across the country Game of Thrones style and I've only gotten to play with another player in 2 sessions so far. This was also why that carnival scene was so frustrating because all 3 players were finally in the same place and we were trying to find each other and he just kept saying, "You don't see them".
He told me that he doesn't do party-based adventures because you can't get character growth that way. I pushed back and said I've seen awesome character growth in traditional DnD style games in the past, it just depends on the group. I also said he's just making things harder for himself by trying to run three campaigns instead of one. And if we don't have character sheets and aren't in a party then this is all more dramatic improv than a tabletop RPG.
He responded by saying his way is better because it creates a real story and that I should be happy because he made me the main character. (I guess that is what me being the prince means?) He then went on a rant about how much he loves the game world he created and he's very grateful that our characters brought it to life. But then he says that since it's his world, he feels like he owns our characters now and that after the campaign he wants us all to sign off on him using the characters to write books and a screenplay. And if we don't he'll just change their names and do it anyway. He then thanks me and tells me that this campaign is the main thing that has been stopping him from self-harm and going to dark places. Then he says he has to go and he rushes to hang up before I can say anything else.
I'm dumbfounded after that rapid-fire series of bombshells. I've known since the first few sessions that this was barely a TTRPG, but I got to hang out with my friends so I didn't care what it was. It was nice to hang out with old friends a couple times each month. Then the story got weird, and there was so much misogyny, and then I had the horrible session that caused my original post. Then in this conversation, he throws up even more red flags that I'm not blind to, but he is also planting a seed that he may harm himself without the campaign which is not something I want on my conscience. I'm just exhausted at this point.
TLDR: GM says that abilities and parties make TTRPGs worse and he wants to use our characters to write books/movies after the campaign because he owns them since we're playing in his world. He says he may fall back to self-harm without the campaign, making me feel guilty for wanting to leave.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
ShitThroughAGoose
[Final Update] Moving On From My Toxic DM And Losing A Friend In The Process
This will hopefully be my last post on this sub for a long time, but I’ve been using this place to vent about my toxic situation for a while so I figured I might as well post how everything concluded and what happened when I left. I’m going to reflect on everything and recap the important parts so no one has to read 3 posts.
It all started when I decided to start DMing to keep in touch with some college friends after graduation. During my first campaign, one of the players, Pirate, asked if his friend, Colorado, could join. I didn't really know Colorado, but I figured, "the more, the merrier."
Colorado had some issues early on, giving unsolicited advice to everyone on how to play and viewing newer or shy players as “side characters”. However, he frequently missed sessions, only showing up for less than half of them for the first few years so nothing came to a head early on. Then, Colorado decided he wanted to bring back his tabletop campaign from his college days and started trying to recruit players after my sessions. Pirate suggested I join the campaign, promising that Colorado was a better DM than player. Since I had been the Forever DM up to that point, I agreed to give it a go.
I created a character who was part of the royal family but enjoyed interacting with commoners in the slums, even having a secret girlfriend from that background. After that, Colorado also started hitting me up to help with the campaign. I ended up photoshopping character art for a bunch of his NPCs and I even drew his world map for him. I didn't mind doing it, as I do that kind of stuff for fun.
For our first session, Colorado had already created character sheets for us based on our backstories, but only he could see them. Colorado would also roll all the dice himself so “all we had to focus on is roleplaying”. We played one on one in different "scenes" that could last around 30 minutes to an hour each. We usually had around 2 to 4 scenes per session, depending on what Colorado thought was important. During the game, Colorado asked us to write down quotes from him and the other players when it wasn't our turn.
I had to wait for well over an hour before I could finally play. My first session was on rails. I mostly just had to repeat after Colorado during a ceremony. Afterwards, I got to sneak out of the castle and meet with my commoner girlfriend, but Colorado immediately had her break up with me. Then I was told that I had to leave the city. I was essentially locked out of my hanging out in the slums and commoner girlfriend subplots. NPCs generally disliked my morally good character, especially my sister who was depicted as purely evil towards me. Despite my efforts to mend the relationship, she never changed her mind and Colorado never rolled any dice to determine that. Later Colorado revealed to me the character was based on his ex-girlfriend, who was originally intended to be the player character from my country before they broke up.
Eventually, I finally got to interact with another player, Soldier, who I had really good chemistry with and we had a really fun scene. Which Colorado exclaimed, “See! This is why I keep you apart. It makes these moments so much more epic!” But I’m just thinking that if we were in a party, every session could be this epic.
Then Colorado got busy. He went to some alternative medicine nature retreat and didn’t pay his rent the whole time he was gone so he got evicted. At that point, the campaign went on hiatus as people got busy and Colorado was couch hopping. It was during that time I considered the campaign over and made my first post because I thought it fit the sub. Then a year after the last session, Colorado started trying to organize the group to do 3 more sessions to finish the campaign. I just ghosted the group chat for a while, but Pirate’s roommate is a player in the campaign I DM so Pirate started hopping on the call asking me to come back for the finale. Pirate told me that it would be different this time because all of our characters were going to meet up for the finale and he really wanted to play with me. I naively agreed to give the game a second chance.
The first of those three sessions led to this post and this follow up.
[TLDR - I never got to meet up with the other characters. Colorado made my ex a stripper and I was captured by invaders with no dice rolls to prevent it. I had a conversation with him about my concerns after the last session. He apologized and agreed to make changes saying he needed the campaign for his mental health.]
Colorado decided to have a single super finale session, which I reluctantly attended because of sunk cost fallacy. I was imprisoned, beaten and whipped, separated from my girlfriend and recently resurrected bodyguard. A deus-ex ninja offered to help me escape, but I wanted to save all the prisoners. So I helped the commoners escape with the ninja before saving my girlfriend. My bodyguard got captured, but I made sure my girlfriend escaped and then I went to save my bodyguard because I wasn’t letting her die after she just got resurrected. I tried to find my bodyguard but every door was locked and I was forced into a long one on one fight with a guard that would make John Carpenter blush. I lost the fight due to an unknown -2 modifier on my fighting rolls, leading to my re-imprisonment.
Pirate tried to board a boat to reach my location, but was unsuccessful. Colorado informed him that the sailors refused to let him on the ship because they didn't like his tone. Fortunately, Soldier saved me and we agreed to stop the big bad and rescue my bodyguard together. With a squad of Soldier's peers, we pursued the big bad into the woods. Without any rolls, all the other soldiers were sniped by archers.
Finally, the two of us reached the clearing where the big bad and his followers were. We were outnumbered about 30-2. My bodyguard and the other commoners were tied to a tree. Soldier was the same race as the villain so he approached while I stayed hidden. He delivered an awesome passionate speech against the big bad's actions saying that it wasn’t what their ancestors would want. I’m sitting there waiting and hoping for a persuasion roll… and nothing. Colorado says the big bad doesn’t change his mind and he sets the tree on fire, causing my bodyguard and the commoners to burn to death. Soldier and I retreated into the woods to end the campaign.
Pirate was supposed to have a scene after us, but he fell asleep because it was past 1am. Colorado kept trying to call Pirate on the phone. I joke, “Hey, we’re old now, being up past midnight isn’t as easy as it used to.” To which Colorado replies, “I just thought Pirate had more respect for me than this.” The Discord call becomes quiet and after Colorado starts focusing on Soldier and I. He wants to know why we’re not discussing the ending more. I remarked that it was a bit of a downer and I’m tired. Then Colorado starts spiraling, saying that RPGs are just another medium that he failed at just like film and music. HE STARTS CRYING and hangs up from the Discord call. Soldier and I stayed on and had a short “That was awkward” conversation. I don’t know Soldier well so I didn’t say much about my grievances with the campaign and eventually we ended up just talking about Baldur’s Gate 3 for an hour.
The next day, I wake up to a barrage of texts from Colorado apologizing, mansplaining how hard it is to be a DM as if I’ve never done it myself. He then starts sending me messages with all his ideas for my character in the next season and how he promises I’ll have more freedom next time. I wouldn’t understand, but he NEEDED to do the prison sequence and my bodyguard to die for my character growth, but next season will be different. I tell him I’m not doing another season. Colorado replies saying that he thought I’d say that because Pirate (who was apparently not sleeping) told him Soldier and I were bitching about the campaign after the session. Colorado said that once I get over it, we can start talking about season 3. I reaffirmed my stance. Then Colorado texts me one last time and asks if I’ll still make his maps and character art even if I don’t play. I said no again.
It's been two months since I last heard from Colorado or Pirate. We used to play games and talk about pro wrestling all the time, but now there's been no contact. A lot of the comments on my posts helped me realize I was prioritizing Colorado’s mental health over my own and I felt like it was my responsibility to support his campaign because he constantly referenced how important it was to his mental health. Intentional or not, he preyed upon my empathy. I’m not his Giving Tree and I shouldn’t be left a stump for a campaign where he doesn’t even want us to affect the world.
I sometimes worry Pirate is going through a similar situation to me, but for a longer period of time. Pirate introduced me to Colorado, and he's really loyal to him. I think that slowed down my exit from the group because I trusted Pirate to be my friend as well. I remember opening up to Pirate about a panic attack I had while Colorado was spiraling one day, and he just shrugged it off as me being dramatic. It's frustrating. I want both of them to be happy, but I can't make that happen for them, especially if it comes at the expense of my own well-being.
I ended up venting to some of my irl friends and they really supported and listened to me which is why I didn’t feel a need to vent here. I learned a lot about what not to do when DMing from this campaign and it made me reevaluate my approach to playing RPGs. Now I'm in a group with my irl friends and it's a blast. I can relax and just have fun playing again.
TLDR - I started DMing to stay connected with college friends who were scattered across the country. One player, Pirate, introduced me to Colorado, who eventually took over as the DM. Colorado had some unconventional methods, such as not using character sheets and controlling all the dice rolls. The game became focused on his storyline and my character had limited agency. Despite this, I gave the campaign a second chance. In the final session, things went poorly, and Colorado had a breakdown. Despite his apologies and promises for the next season, I decided not to continue playing. I have not heard from Colorado or Pirate since. I now play with my real-life friends and it's much more enjoyable.
RELEVANT COMMENTS/ADDED INFO
TicketPrestigious
DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7
submitted by Direct-Caterpillar77 to BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]
GM Locked Me Out Of Interacting With Other Players Because I Got Confused
Originally posted to rpghorrorstories
TRIGGER WARNING: manipulation, controlling behavior, sexism
Original Post March 6, 2024
I'm a player in a tabletop RPG campaign and I just wanted to vent about this session. The GM uses a "rules light" homebrew system and it's his homebrew world as well. He's been doing this campaign for years now, but I just joined through a mutual friend after another player left recently.
When I joined the campaign, the GM had told me he wanted me to be from a particular country as a prince, and since it was his homebrewed world, I went with it. The country I'm a prince of is a massive empire that has conquered many lands. I wanted to be a morally good character so I made up a backstory where my prince had a secret romance with a commoner so it gave me more empathy and understanding than my other royal peers would have. Then in session 1, he had the commoner immediately break up with me since the players were all leaving the city session 1.
Several sessions later, there is a carnival being hosted in the empire and all the players are attending. The players split up and my part began with my character watching as a mentally handicap child was put in the dunk tank and was being dunked against his will. So I had my character help the child and stop the game (This isn't relevant to the larger story but I thought it was really weird). Then I am told I have to go to the "main stage" which is just a strip club seemingly. And of course, walking around topless serving drinks is my character's commoner love interest that I made in session 0. The GM laughs a bit and comments, "Isn't it funny? Look at what your ex has to do without you." I have my character give her the shirt off his back and we go to the outskirts of the carnival to find a quiet place to talk, but then the carnival was ambushed by some enemies as arrows and fire rained down on the parade.
Suddenly, my character and his ex are teleported back to the main stage and the GM starts jumping back and forth between all the player characters asking what we want to do without any sort of initiative and if we don't respond quickly enough he skips to another player. I ask, "What direction are the arrows coming from?" GM, "You can't tell". "Which direction to the palace?" I ask. "You don't know," he tells me. I'm honestly genuinely confused about what to do here and my mind goes blank, but then the GM has my bodyguard (a Brienne of Tarth type) tell me to follow her so I do. As he cuts back and forth, another player loses his mom in the chaos, I tell GM, "I want to help him find his mom." "You can't see him" GM tells me. Then I ended up surrounded by 12 ambushers in the "Pleasure Gardens". GM asked what I would do. I say since the carnival is burning, I look for a piece of wood on fire and since it's the pleasure gardens maybe there's some oil I can spill and light on fire to separate myself, my bodyguard, and ex who are all with me from the ambushers. He tells me there's no oil and then I'm held down by the men. I tried to escape, but he says I failed (he just did a dice roll behind his screen and didn't tell me the results). I am then hogtied by the ambushers with my bodyguard and ex and thrown in a cart. Meanwhile, the other two players have stolen a cart and are escaping. I try to do a goofy wave as my character is tied up towards my companions and he just says, the carts never pass each other so the other players don't see you. Before the session ends he tells me my bodyguard is dead.
After the session, I think my body language showed I was a bit bummed. So GM pipes in, "You want to know why you failed that encounter?" He proceeded to tell me it was because I followed my bodyguard and there was no way a woman could have protected me and I needed to make the choice instead. Some of the other players chimed in and said it was surprising my bodyguard failed since in the lore she was a 20-year veteran who survived "The Great War". The GM keeps defending his choice. Then he started making self-deprecating jokes about how he just sucks then and he's the worst GM ever until the other players all reassure him it's fine. I kind of just sat there shell-shocked.
His system reduces dice rolls to a rarity and he does them all himself as a "way to keep tension". I'm honestly more about hanging out with my friends than judging the quality of any campaign or system but this was my first "combat" of any sort in the campaign and I just felt so helpless in this system and it was frustrating. Plus there are no insight or persuasion rolls, just what the GM claims "my character would know" and "how his NPCs would act". So I'm not sure how I was supposed to handle this encounter. Being a GM myself, I thought he was using my bodyguard character to get me back on track, but I thought wrong. I honestly wouldn't have minded if he was just railroading me for a plot point, but him trying to manipulate me and saying his hands were tied when he essentially locked me out of interacting with the other players for the rest of the session is what bothers me the most.
Edit: Changed gaslighting to manipulating since I was using the term wrong and don't want to dilute it's meaning.
Update: GM Defends Style And Told Me He Owns My Character March 20, 2024
This is an update from my post a couple of weeks ago.
One of my friends in the group reached out to me and asked me to not leave the group. He told me there were only 2 sessions left and asked me to stick around as a favor to him. I told him I'd reach out to GM and see if we could get on the same page. So I texted the GM and told him I wanted to talk because I had some concerns after the way everything went down last session. He was down and we talked on the phone a couple of days later. To my surprise, the first thing he did was profusely apologize. I hadn't been responding in our group chat, partly because I was mad and partly because my partner had a death in her family. I guess me not responding caused him to dwell on the last session a bunch. He said he was going to retcon my bodyguard's death and keep her alive. I even told him that the treatment of women in the campaign was bad and that it was making the story worse, he told me that it is something that he can work on being better about too. I was surprised, but all this gave me a lot of optimism for this conversation.
I was honest and I told him that his homebrew system is very difficult for me since I don't have a character sheet. So my character doesn't have abilities, he doesn't level up, and I can't do things like roll investigate or perception rolls which makes it hard for me to make informed decisions. I told him it makes me very risk adverse because I don't have things like HP to even know if I'm in danger. He responded to this by telling me I shouldn't worry about that because his GM style rewards me if I roleplay well enough. He went on to say he hates systems with things like perception rolls because that's "Not how real life works".
I also lamented the fact that I also don't get to interact with the other players much. I didn't mention this in my first post, but he plays with all of us in a Discord call but he only plays with us one at a time, and the two of us who aren't playing are expected to listen and record notable quotes for his notes. He'll switch between characters where each player gets 2-3 "scenes" in a 3 hour session. He has our characters all spread out across the country Game of Thrones style and I've only gotten to play with another player in 2 sessions so far. This was also why that carnival scene was so frustrating because all 3 players were finally in the same place and we were trying to find each other and he just kept saying, "You don't see them".
He told me that he doesn't do party-based adventures because you can't get character growth that way. I pushed back and said I've seen awesome character growth in traditional DnD style games in the past, it just depends on the group. I also said he's just making things harder for himself by trying to run three campaigns instead of one. And if we don't have character sheets and aren't in a party then this is all more dramatic improv than a tabletop RPG.
He responded by saying his way is better because it creates a real story and that I should be happy because he made me the main character. (I guess that is what me being the prince means?) He then went on a rant about how much he loves the game world he created and he's very grateful that our characters brought it to life. But then he says that since it's his world, he feels like he owns our characters now and that after the campaign he wants us all to sign off on him using the characters to write books and a screenplay. And if we don't he'll just change their names and do it anyway. He then thanks me and tells me that this campaign is the main thing that has been stopping him from self-harm and going to dark places. Then he says he has to go and he rushes to hang up before I can say anything else.
I'm dumbfounded after that rapid-fire series of bombshells. I've known since the first few sessions that this was barely a TTRPG, but I got to hang out with my friends so I didn't care what it was. It was nice to hang out with old friends a couple times each month. Then the story got weird, and there was so much misogyny, and then I had the horrible session that caused my original post. Then in this conversation, he throws up even more red flags that I'm not blind to, but he is also planting a seed that he may harm himself without the campaign which is not something I want on my conscience. I'm just exhausted at this point.
TLDR: GM says that abilities and parties make TTRPGs worse and he wants to use our characters to write books/movies after the campaign because he owns them since we're playing in his world. He says he may fall back to self-harm without the campaign, making me feel guilty for wanting to leave.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
ShitThroughAGoose
Any update to this?OOP
Final Update May 11, 2024I ended up doing one more session for the finale. There was some drama during that session and when I mentioned that I didn't want to play in the next season of the campaign. I wasn't sure if I wanted to post about it again. I might still, but I think I want to take some time and reflect on everything.
[Final Update] Moving On From My Toxic DM And Losing A Friend In The Process
This will hopefully be my last post on this sub for a long time, but I’ve been using this place to vent about my toxic situation for a while so I figured I might as well post how everything concluded and what happened when I left. I’m going to reflect on everything and recap the important parts so no one has to read 3 posts.
It all started when I decided to start DMing to keep in touch with some college friends after graduation. During my first campaign, one of the players, Pirate, asked if his friend, Colorado, could join. I didn't really know Colorado, but I figured, "the more, the merrier."
Colorado had some issues early on, giving unsolicited advice to everyone on how to play and viewing newer or shy players as “side characters”. However, he frequently missed sessions, only showing up for less than half of them for the first few years so nothing came to a head early on. Then, Colorado decided he wanted to bring back his tabletop campaign from his college days and started trying to recruit players after my sessions. Pirate suggested I join the campaign, promising that Colorado was a better DM than player. Since I had been the Forever DM up to that point, I agreed to give it a go.
I created a character who was part of the royal family but enjoyed interacting with commoners in the slums, even having a secret girlfriend from that background. After that, Colorado also started hitting me up to help with the campaign. I ended up photoshopping character art for a bunch of his NPCs and I even drew his world map for him. I didn't mind doing it, as I do that kind of stuff for fun.
For our first session, Colorado had already created character sheets for us based on our backstories, but only he could see them. Colorado would also roll all the dice himself so “all we had to focus on is roleplaying”. We played one on one in different "scenes" that could last around 30 minutes to an hour each. We usually had around 2 to 4 scenes per session, depending on what Colorado thought was important. During the game, Colorado asked us to write down quotes from him and the other players when it wasn't our turn.
I had to wait for well over an hour before I could finally play. My first session was on rails. I mostly just had to repeat after Colorado during a ceremony. Afterwards, I got to sneak out of the castle and meet with my commoner girlfriend, but Colorado immediately had her break up with me. Then I was told that I had to leave the city. I was essentially locked out of my hanging out in the slums and commoner girlfriend subplots. NPCs generally disliked my morally good character, especially my sister who was depicted as purely evil towards me. Despite my efforts to mend the relationship, she never changed her mind and Colorado never rolled any dice to determine that. Later Colorado revealed to me the character was based on his ex-girlfriend, who was originally intended to be the player character from my country before they broke up.
Eventually, I finally got to interact with another player, Soldier, who I had really good chemistry with and we had a really fun scene. Which Colorado exclaimed, “See! This is why I keep you apart. It makes these moments so much more epic!” But I’m just thinking that if we were in a party, every session could be this epic.
Then Colorado got busy. He went to some alternative medicine nature retreat and didn’t pay his rent the whole time he was gone so he got evicted. At that point, the campaign went on hiatus as people got busy and Colorado was couch hopping. It was during that time I considered the campaign over and made my first post because I thought it fit the sub. Then a year after the last session, Colorado started trying to organize the group to do 3 more sessions to finish the campaign. I just ghosted the group chat for a while, but Pirate’s roommate is a player in the campaign I DM so Pirate started hopping on the call asking me to come back for the finale. Pirate told me that it would be different this time because all of our characters were going to meet up for the finale and he really wanted to play with me. I naively agreed to give the game a second chance.
The first of those three sessions led to this post and this follow up.
[TLDR - I never got to meet up with the other characters. Colorado made my ex a stripper and I was captured by invaders with no dice rolls to prevent it. I had a conversation with him about my concerns after the last session. He apologized and agreed to make changes saying he needed the campaign for his mental health.]
Colorado decided to have a single super finale session, which I reluctantly attended because of sunk cost fallacy. I was imprisoned, beaten and whipped, separated from my girlfriend and recently resurrected bodyguard. A deus-ex ninja offered to help me escape, but I wanted to save all the prisoners. So I helped the commoners escape with the ninja before saving my girlfriend. My bodyguard got captured, but I made sure my girlfriend escaped and then I went to save my bodyguard because I wasn’t letting her die after she just got resurrected. I tried to find my bodyguard but every door was locked and I was forced into a long one on one fight with a guard that would make John Carpenter blush. I lost the fight due to an unknown -2 modifier on my fighting rolls, leading to my re-imprisonment.
Pirate tried to board a boat to reach my location, but was unsuccessful. Colorado informed him that the sailors refused to let him on the ship because they didn't like his tone. Fortunately, Soldier saved me and we agreed to stop the big bad and rescue my bodyguard together. With a squad of Soldier's peers, we pursued the big bad into the woods. Without any rolls, all the other soldiers were sniped by archers.
Finally, the two of us reached the clearing where the big bad and his followers were. We were outnumbered about 30-2. My bodyguard and the other commoners were tied to a tree. Soldier was the same race as the villain so he approached while I stayed hidden. He delivered an awesome passionate speech against the big bad's actions saying that it wasn’t what their ancestors would want. I’m sitting there waiting and hoping for a persuasion roll… and nothing. Colorado says the big bad doesn’t change his mind and he sets the tree on fire, causing my bodyguard and the commoners to burn to death. Soldier and I retreated into the woods to end the campaign.
Pirate was supposed to have a scene after us, but he fell asleep because it was past 1am. Colorado kept trying to call Pirate on the phone. I joke, “Hey, we’re old now, being up past midnight isn’t as easy as it used to.” To which Colorado replies, “I just thought Pirate had more respect for me than this.” The Discord call becomes quiet and after Colorado starts focusing on Soldier and I. He wants to know why we’re not discussing the ending more. I remarked that it was a bit of a downer and I’m tired. Then Colorado starts spiraling, saying that RPGs are just another medium that he failed at just like film and music. HE STARTS CRYING and hangs up from the Discord call. Soldier and I stayed on and had a short “That was awkward” conversation. I don’t know Soldier well so I didn’t say much about my grievances with the campaign and eventually we ended up just talking about Baldur’s Gate 3 for an hour.
The next day, I wake up to a barrage of texts from Colorado apologizing, mansplaining how hard it is to be a DM as if I’ve never done it myself. He then starts sending me messages with all his ideas for my character in the next season and how he promises I’ll have more freedom next time. I wouldn’t understand, but he NEEDED to do the prison sequence and my bodyguard to die for my character growth, but next season will be different. I tell him I’m not doing another season. Colorado replies saying that he thought I’d say that because Pirate (who was apparently not sleeping) told him Soldier and I were bitching about the campaign after the session. Colorado said that once I get over it, we can start talking about season 3. I reaffirmed my stance. Then Colorado texts me one last time and asks if I’ll still make his maps and character art even if I don’t play. I said no again.
It's been two months since I last heard from Colorado or Pirate. We used to play games and talk about pro wrestling all the time, but now there's been no contact. A lot of the comments on my posts helped me realize I was prioritizing Colorado’s mental health over my own and I felt like it was my responsibility to support his campaign because he constantly referenced how important it was to his mental health. Intentional or not, he preyed upon my empathy. I’m not his Giving Tree and I shouldn’t be left a stump for a campaign where he doesn’t even want us to affect the world.
I sometimes worry Pirate is going through a similar situation to me, but for a longer period of time. Pirate introduced me to Colorado, and he's really loyal to him. I think that slowed down my exit from the group because I trusted Pirate to be my friend as well. I remember opening up to Pirate about a panic attack I had while Colorado was spiraling one day, and he just shrugged it off as me being dramatic. It's frustrating. I want both of them to be happy, but I can't make that happen for them, especially if it comes at the expense of my own well-being.
I ended up venting to some of my irl friends and they really supported and listened to me which is why I didn’t feel a need to vent here. I learned a lot about what not to do when DMing from this campaign and it made me reevaluate my approach to playing RPGs. Now I'm in a group with my irl friends and it's a blast. I can relax and just have fun playing again.
TLDR - I started DMing to stay connected with college friends who were scattered across the country. One player, Pirate, introduced me to Colorado, who eventually took over as the DM. Colorado had some unconventional methods, such as not using character sheets and controlling all the dice rolls. The game became focused on his storyline and my character had limited agency. Despite this, I gave the campaign a second chance. In the final session, things went poorly, and Colorado had a breakdown. Despite his apologies and promises for the next season, I decided not to continue playing. I have not heard from Colorado or Pirate since. I now play with my real-life friends and it's much more enjoyable.
RELEVANT COMMENTS/ADDED INFO
TicketPrestigious
Glad you're doing better. That does sound like quite a toxic situation.OOP
If I've understood it right, the stuff with Pirate 'falling asleep' but actually listening in to you and Soldier talking feels like a massive red flag to me. I understand worrying about him since you were/felt like you were friends, but if he's enabling Colorado with that sort of stuff then it's probably best to move on.
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOPYeah even the best case would be that Pirate woke up after Colorado left the call and just overheard Soldier and me talking without us realizing because his mic was muted and we assumed he had passed out and then he snitched after which is still a bad look tbh. I had been distancing myself from Pirate since he invalidated my panic attack prior to this. It's just hard to be vulnerable with someone again after that.
DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7
2024.05.20 05:59 DestroyatronMk8 The Privateer Chapter 165: Spite and Spycraft
First Previous
"Scargiver, this is Scathach." The Warmaster's voice came out of the Captain's wrist console. The wrist console looked the same as the ones they'd used in the Confederation, but it had been extensively modified to prevent anyone from hacking into it.
"Scathach, Mims." Captain Mims kept walking. They were almost to the bridge of the Encounter. "Go ahead."
"The Klaath are here."
"We know." Mims slapped a control panel. The door to the bridge slipped open. "The Federation called them, somehow."
"We saw the energy surge," the Warmaster informed him, "and we saw you disable the human ship. Do you intend to take up the hunt?"
The Oluken had roughly ten thousand Military ships in Tendril Sector. They were oddly designed, with glowing lines that shifted in strange patterns across their oblong hulls. Long metal tentacles sprouted from the ships, each tipped with some variety of energy cannon. Ten thousand ships was plenty for keeping order in a trading sector, but Yvian doubted it was enough to repel an Incursion.
"Hell yes," The Captain walked past the holodisplay, heading for the consoles at the far end of the bridge. "I never pass up an opportunity to kill the Klaath."
"I thought as much." The Warmaster grunted. "Have your Queenships protect the Gates. My Hunters will secure the stations. I've called reinforcements, and they will be here shortly." He gave a short, annoyed growl. "Someone will have to speak with the Oluken before they soil themselves."
Mims pointed at Lissa as he took a seat in front of the center console. "I'm on it," she acknowledged, taking the console to his left.
"Alert," said Kilroy. "Klaath clusters detected in Aldara sector."
"Of course they are," Mims gritted his teeth. He commed the Warmaster. "Lissa's taking care of the Oluken. We're having," he pointed at Kilroy, "two Queenships jump to each Gate. That should be more than enough."
"Affirmative," Kilroy acknowledged.
"The rest are coming with me," the human continued. "There's another Incursion at Aldara."
"Aldara?" Yvian could hear the Warmaster's raised eyebrows. "If the humans want to throw their planet away, let them."
"I can't do that." Mims took his hand off the comm and pointed at Yvian. "Systems check."
Yvian nodded and took the console to his right. She started a diagnostic routines. Scarrend squatted on his haunches next to her, pulling up a sensor display on his console.
"You can and you should," Scathach disagreed. "The humans are using the Klaath as a diversion. We're bound to defend the Oluken by treaty, but wasting forces on an uninhabited world is foolish."
"I know." Mims pulled up flight control on his console. The Random Encounter was nestled up against the massive hull of the Monster In Paradise. He eased the ship away from the Peacekeeper Queen and raised the shields. "I'm not asking you or the Empire to help. The Peacekeepers and I will be enough."
"Perhaps." The Vrrl allowed. "Unless the humans are dividing our forces in preparation for an attack."
"It's possible." Mims shrugged. "But I think this diversion's for something else. I'll explain later. I've got Klaath to kill."
"Then kill them here," Warmaster Scathach voiced. "Don't let the humans dictate your actions, Scargiver. Protecting their world is an act kindness that will come with a cost."
"This isn't kindness," Mims told him. "It's spite. The Klaath will never have Aldara. Not while I breathe. Can I count on you to take care of things here?"
Yvian's diagnostic programs finished. "All systems green," she reported.
"Foolish." The Warmaster chuffed in resignation. "But I suppose it can't be helped. Go defend your territory human, even if it's not your territory anymore. The Vrrl Starfang Empire will take care of things here."
"Thank you," said Mims.
"Do not thank me, Scargiver," Scathach chided. "The Oluken are of use to the Empire. An attack on them is a challenge to us, and challenges are answered with tooth and claw. We are the Apex."
"Fair enough." Mims pulled up a Nav console and entered the coordinates for Aldara Sector. "May Fortune favor you on the cusp of The Crunch."
The Warmaster grunted. "May your prey be worthy of the hunt." He ended the transmission.
"Our weapon systems are fully functional," Scarrend reported. "Shields are still charging. They will be at full in twenty three minutes."
"We'll go when they're full," said the Captain. "Kilroy, I want two Queenships at every Gate in Aldara. Have Admiral Zhukov send in half a million Stinger units, too. I want half of those protecting the planet. The rest will break off into groups of a thousand and go hunting."
"Big Daddy Mims," Kilroy objected, "we only have eight hundred twenty three thousand and four Peacekeeper Stinger Units. Sending that many to Aldara will greatly reduce the defenses of New Pixa Sector."
"Just do it, Kilroy," Mims ordered. "We've still got forty Queens and millions of convectional ships. If we get hit with more than they can handle, half a million Stingers won't make that much difference anyway."
"Affirmative." Kilroy hesitated. His eyes flashed purple before returning to the red of combat. "Big Daddy Mims, there is no reason for you to go to Aldara yourself. Peacekeeper units will be sufficient."
"No, Kilroy," Lissa disagreed. "We have to go." Yvian nodded her agreement. She knew the man's history, too.
"This ship is a standard Federation built gladiator," the Peacekeeper reminded them. "It will have negligible impact on an Incursion, and is at significant risk of being destroyed."
"I know," the Captain snapped. Kilroy's eyes flashed blue. Mims took a breath. "Sorry, Kilroy. I know the Encounter's not built for this. I know the Peacekeepers can handle this better than I can." He shook his head. "It doesn't matter. It's Aldara. The last time the Klaath came there I... I can't leave it alone. I have to go. I have to make sure they can't take anything else."
The machine left his console, eyes still blue. He walked over to Mims and put a hand on his shoulder. "This unit understands." He returned to his station, eyes flicking back to crimson. "Aldara will be protected. The Klaath will be destroyed. We will be sufficient."
"We will be sufficient," the Captain echoed.
"This is foolish," Scarrend objected. "You are throwing away Peacekeeper lives for sentiment."
"You're not wrong," the human admitted. He tilted his head, thinking. "Though to be fair, we'd probably be sending them anyway. A chance to capture more Klaath Queens is too good to pass up."
"Affirmative," Kilroy agreed.
Yvian pulled up a sensor display. Tendril Sector had a sizeable solar system. Lots of planets, and three hefty asteroid belts. None of the planets were habitable, but there were plenty of resources for mines and manufacturing. The sector doubled as a trading hub, and there were nearly a million stations scattered throughout the system. Most of the stations were unarmed. It was something Yvian had expected growing up in the Confederation, but now that she'd seen more of the galaxy unarmed stations struck her as a terrible idea.
Despite the large number of stations, there were only a few hundred thousand ships in the sector. Mostly unarmed Oluken cargo haulers. Yvian assumed anyone who had a jumpdrive had already escaped, leaving the rest of those poor souls to flee to the nearest station and pray that the Elders would drop shields long enough to let them dock. There were also a few hundred ships of the Vrrl Starfang Empire circling a few of the trading posts, gunning down any Klaath that came close. Several dozen vessels of the Pixen Technocracy were doing the same.
Half a million Vrrl capitol ships were dividing into smaller fleets and heading for the stations. The Priderender had already left the formation with an escort of four battlecruisers. More Vrrl were pouring out of each of the Gates, with fighter class Hissiths and Clawwings undocking from battlecruisers and running for the farthest stations at maximum acceleration. None of the Vrrl bothered avoiding the Klaath. Nor did they seek them out. They just moved to their destinations, smashing anything stupid enough to get in their way.
There were roughly fifty thousand Klaath Klusters so far, but more were appearing every second. Each Kluster was a sphere, made up of twenty Raiders grouped around a single Klaath Fighter and fused together. Most of them would drift aimlessly through the void until they came within a few hundred kilometers of a ship or a station. Then the Klusters would erupt, the ships separating and zooming in for the kill. Other Klusters gathered together, forming circles of spinning ships. Space rippled within the circles, opening portals to allow Corvettes, Frigates, and the dreaded Destroyers into the sector.
Two Peacekeeper Queenships were coming out of Tendril Sector's East, South, and North Gates. The Queens would take half an hour to exit the Gates completely, but that didn't stop them from putting their beam weapons to devastating use. The Queens concentrated their fire on the Klaath nearest the Gates. The Klaath didn't use Jumpgates, and destroying the Gates would be the first thing they tried. A few thousand Stinger units detached themselves from each of the Queens, switching their diffused anti-MAC weapons back to traditional long range beam cannons. They would circle around behind the Gates and kill any Klaath attacking from that direction.
The Monster in Paradise and one other Queenship stayed where they were, about two hundred thousand kilometers from the West Gate. Their Stinger units were launching as well. The Random Encounter idled within the Monster's shield bubble, staying protected until its own shields were charged.
The Oluken Military were doing what they could, where they could. All their ships were roughly frigate sized, about two thirds of a kilometer in length. They were fast, almost as fast as a Federation ship, and their shields were much stronger than Yvian expected. Their weapons were less impressive. Each ship had thirty two metal tentacles with cannons on the end, but they packed less punch then Confederation guns, far less than the humans and the Vrrl. The Random Encounter had more firepower, and it was just a fighter. The Oluken had been patrolling in groups of eight, and they were desperately trying to link up with each other or the Vrrl before the Klaath overwhelmed them.
Yvian moved to access the sensor reports of Aldara Sector, but a question from Scarrend interrupted her. "Shouldn't we be sending someone after the spy?"
"In the middle of all this?" Lissa gestured at the sensor display.
"We don't have to hunt her down ourselves," Scarrend pointed out. "A few dozen Peacekeeper units would be more than enough."
"There's no point," said the Captain. "The Peacekeepers let Myrsa get away on purpose."
"They did?" Yvian frowned at the machine.
"Think about it," said Mims. "A Peacekeeper unit's a walking lie detector. Do you really think they didn't know Myrsa was a spy? Or that she wasn't being monitored? There's no way she got to an unattended ship without them knowing."
"Affirmative," Kilroy agreed. "Peacekeeper units had to manufacture an emergency to explain why Myrsa Trin was unattended. The riots provided excellent cover."
"Ok, but... why?" Yvian frowned harder. "Why let her get away? Why let a spy work with Lissa at all?"
"I've got a better question." Lissa's tone was frosty. "Why didn't you tell me about it?"
"That was my call," said Mims. "You're an amazing person, Lissa, and I love you dearly, but you're not cut out for spycraft."
Lissa regarded the human with a glare so furious Yvian could see it through her helmet. "What's that supposed to mean?"
Mims returned her look with the seriousness it was due. "Lissa. If you knew Myrsa was a spy, would you have still made friends with her?"
"What? No!" The glare receded. "I wouldn't have let her work for me at all."
"Exactly," said the human. "It's standard practice to keep track of known spies. If our enemies have a spy in place they're less likely to try sneaking in another one, and it lets us feed false intel and uncover other spies. It's good spycraft, but it only works if they don't know their cover's blown. You're smart, beautiful, and a born leader, but you don't have it in you to pretend to be someone's friend when you're not. Not for long, at least. If we told you about Myrsa, she'd know you were on to her within a day."
"That's..." Lissa started. "I could... No." She sighed. "You're right. I don't have to like it, though."
"Intelligence is a dirty business," said the Captain. "No one likes it."
"Ok, but why'd we let her go?" Yvian came back to the matter at hand. "Why give the humans their spy back?"
"Good question," said Mims. "Kilroy?"
"Myrsa Trin has gathered extensive intelligence on our capabilities," Kilroy answered. "The information she has acquired implies that we are considerably more powerful and dangerous than we actually are. This will increase the likelihood the meatbags will surrender. More importantly, Myrsa Trin will give the humans access to a Lucendian crystal implant."
"What good will that do them?" asked Scarrend. "The only Lucendian ship outside of New Pixa is the child yoked to their anti-tech ship, and that specimen is too small and weak for the humans to pilot."
"Negative," said the machine. "There is one other Lucendian vessel outside of our custody. A vessel with the same capabilities as the fallen Skygem."
Another Skygem? Oh. Oh, Bright Lady. "Blingy," Yvian breathed. She'd handed the ship to the Xill shortly after getting her implant. She'd known the ship was alive. She hadn't realized just how sapient the crystal ships were, but she'd known she was alive. She'd known, and she handed her over anyway. Condemned Blingy to torture and experimentation at the hands of the machines. It might be the worst thing she'd ever done. "You're talking about Blingy."
"Affirmative," Kilroy confirmed. "The ship known as Blingy is still in the custody of the Xill. Specifically, the ship is located at Hub 14, under Reba's control. It is not possible for Peacekeeper units to retrieve the vessel without provoking a war with the Xill. Nor is it likely Exodus the Genocide can convince Consensus to return the ship to us if they succeed in defeating Reba."
"But Reba might give the ship to the humans," Yvian guessed.
"Especially if it'll help screw us over," Lissa added.
"Affirmative," said Kilroy. "Without a functioning Lucendian vessel, the Pixen Technocracy has no way to counter the Vore when they return. We cannot retrieve Blingy from the Xill, so we must take Blingy from the humans."
"A dangerous play," Scarrend remarked. "I have seen what these ships are capable of. If the humans have one when we do not..."
"They might be able to win," said Lissa. "And they know it. Why else would they do..." she gestured at her sensor display. "All this?"
"It's a big risk," Mims agreed. "But I think it's one worth taking. Good work, Kilroy. Tell the other units I'm impressed." He glowered down at his console. "I just wish... What the hell?"
Yvian checked her own display. The Klaath were leaving. Fast. Klusters circled up, opening portals to take the bigger ships out of the system. Those Klusters not forming portals disappeared, going back to wherever they came from. Raiders and Fighters still mindlessly shot at whatever targets they'd found, but the rest of the Klaath were leaving. In a few more minutes they'd all be gone.
"I've never heard of the Klaath just leaving." Yvian could hear Lissa's frown.
"We've never seen an Incursion without a habitable planet either," said Scarrend. "Maybe they figured out there's nothing here but gas giants and barren rocks."
"We get Klusters in uninhabited sectors all the time," said Mims. "Usually just a couple, but I saw a couple thousand pop in at Trinog Sector a few years back. They don't leave. They just float around until the bastards starve to death or someone kills them."
"Big Daddy Mims," Kilroy spoke up. "The Klaath are leaving Aldara Sector as well."
"What the hell?" Mims repeated himself. He typed into his console. Yvian followed his example, pulling up the sensor feed being relayed from the ships in Aldara Sector. It was just as the Peacekeeper said. The Klaath were leaving.
"Strange," Scarrend remarked, "but I suppose we shouldn't complain when a problem solves itself."
"No." The Captain's shoulders were taught. "It can't be that easy. Not with the Klaath." He was silent for a moment, head bowed, breathing slowly. His shoulders relaxed slightly, and he raised his head. "Kilroy, I want everything we can spare at Aldara. Right now."
"What do you mean everything?" Lissa asked.
"I mean fucking everything." The Captain was grim. "Every ship, every weapon platform, every fucking gun Zhukov can spare."
"Are you experiencing a hunch, Big Daddy Mims?" A tinge of purple crept into the red of Kilroy's eyes.
It was another scary thing about the humans. Premonitions. Hunches. Mims claimed there was nothing supernatural about it. Just his subconscious processing information, a benefit born of experience and the brain's tendency towards pattern recognition. Yvian wasn't sure it was that simple, but she did know one thing. When the Captain had a bad feeling, things tended to go very bad, very quickly.
"I don't know. Could be PTSD." Mims clenched his fists. "But better safe than sorry."
submitted by DestroyatronMk8 to HFY [link] [comments]
"Scargiver, this is Scathach." The Warmaster's voice came out of the Captain's wrist console. The wrist console looked the same as the ones they'd used in the Confederation, but it had been extensively modified to prevent anyone from hacking into it.
"Scathach, Mims." Captain Mims kept walking. They were almost to the bridge of the Encounter. "Go ahead."
"The Klaath are here."
"We know." Mims slapped a control panel. The door to the bridge slipped open. "The Federation called them, somehow."
"We saw the energy surge," the Warmaster informed him, "and we saw you disable the human ship. Do you intend to take up the hunt?"
The Oluken had roughly ten thousand Military ships in Tendril Sector. They were oddly designed, with glowing lines that shifted in strange patterns across their oblong hulls. Long metal tentacles sprouted from the ships, each tipped with some variety of energy cannon. Ten thousand ships was plenty for keeping order in a trading sector, but Yvian doubted it was enough to repel an Incursion.
"Hell yes," The Captain walked past the holodisplay, heading for the consoles at the far end of the bridge. "I never pass up an opportunity to kill the Klaath."
"I thought as much." The Warmaster grunted. "Have your Queenships protect the Gates. My Hunters will secure the stations. I've called reinforcements, and they will be here shortly." He gave a short, annoyed growl. "Someone will have to speak with the Oluken before they soil themselves."
Mims pointed at Lissa as he took a seat in front of the center console. "I'm on it," she acknowledged, taking the console to his left.
"Alert," said Kilroy. "Klaath clusters detected in Aldara sector."
"Of course they are," Mims gritted his teeth. He commed the Warmaster. "Lissa's taking care of the Oluken. We're having," he pointed at Kilroy, "two Queenships jump to each Gate. That should be more than enough."
"Affirmative," Kilroy acknowledged.
"The rest are coming with me," the human continued. "There's another Incursion at Aldara."
"Aldara?" Yvian could hear the Warmaster's raised eyebrows. "If the humans want to throw their planet away, let them."
"I can't do that." Mims took his hand off the comm and pointed at Yvian. "Systems check."
Yvian nodded and took the console to his right. She started a diagnostic routines. Scarrend squatted on his haunches next to her, pulling up a sensor display on his console.
"You can and you should," Scathach disagreed. "The humans are using the Klaath as a diversion. We're bound to defend the Oluken by treaty, but wasting forces on an uninhabited world is foolish."
"I know." Mims pulled up flight control on his console. The Random Encounter was nestled up against the massive hull of the Monster In Paradise. He eased the ship away from the Peacekeeper Queen and raised the shields. "I'm not asking you or the Empire to help. The Peacekeepers and I will be enough."
"Perhaps." The Vrrl allowed. "Unless the humans are dividing our forces in preparation for an attack."
"It's possible." Mims shrugged. "But I think this diversion's for something else. I'll explain later. I've got Klaath to kill."
"Then kill them here," Warmaster Scathach voiced. "Don't let the humans dictate your actions, Scargiver. Protecting their world is an act kindness that will come with a cost."
"This isn't kindness," Mims told him. "It's spite. The Klaath will never have Aldara. Not while I breathe. Can I count on you to take care of things here?"
Yvian's diagnostic programs finished. "All systems green," she reported.
"Foolish." The Warmaster chuffed in resignation. "But I suppose it can't be helped. Go defend your territory human, even if it's not your territory anymore. The Vrrl Starfang Empire will take care of things here."
"Thank you," said Mims.
"Do not thank me, Scargiver," Scathach chided. "The Oluken are of use to the Empire. An attack on them is a challenge to us, and challenges are answered with tooth and claw. We are the Apex."
"Fair enough." Mims pulled up a Nav console and entered the coordinates for Aldara Sector. "May Fortune favor you on the cusp of The Crunch."
The Warmaster grunted. "May your prey be worthy of the hunt." He ended the transmission.
"Our weapon systems are fully functional," Scarrend reported. "Shields are still charging. They will be at full in twenty three minutes."
"We'll go when they're full," said the Captain. "Kilroy, I want two Queenships at every Gate in Aldara. Have Admiral Zhukov send in half a million Stinger units, too. I want half of those protecting the planet. The rest will break off into groups of a thousand and go hunting."
"Big Daddy Mims," Kilroy objected, "we only have eight hundred twenty three thousand and four Peacekeeper Stinger Units. Sending that many to Aldara will greatly reduce the defenses of New Pixa Sector."
"Just do it, Kilroy," Mims ordered. "We've still got forty Queens and millions of convectional ships. If we get hit with more than they can handle, half a million Stingers won't make that much difference anyway."
"Affirmative." Kilroy hesitated. His eyes flashed purple before returning to the red of combat. "Big Daddy Mims, there is no reason for you to go to Aldara yourself. Peacekeeper units will be sufficient."
"No, Kilroy," Lissa disagreed. "We have to go." Yvian nodded her agreement. She knew the man's history, too.
"This ship is a standard Federation built gladiator," the Peacekeeper reminded them. "It will have negligible impact on an Incursion, and is at significant risk of being destroyed."
"I know," the Captain snapped. Kilroy's eyes flashed blue. Mims took a breath. "Sorry, Kilroy. I know the Encounter's not built for this. I know the Peacekeepers can handle this better than I can." He shook his head. "It doesn't matter. It's Aldara. The last time the Klaath came there I... I can't leave it alone. I have to go. I have to make sure they can't take anything else."
The machine left his console, eyes still blue. He walked over to Mims and put a hand on his shoulder. "This unit understands." He returned to his station, eyes flicking back to crimson. "Aldara will be protected. The Klaath will be destroyed. We will be sufficient."
"We will be sufficient," the Captain echoed.
"This is foolish," Scarrend objected. "You are throwing away Peacekeeper lives for sentiment."
"You're not wrong," the human admitted. He tilted his head, thinking. "Though to be fair, we'd probably be sending them anyway. A chance to capture more Klaath Queens is too good to pass up."
"Affirmative," Kilroy agreed.
Yvian pulled up a sensor display. Tendril Sector had a sizeable solar system. Lots of planets, and three hefty asteroid belts. None of the planets were habitable, but there were plenty of resources for mines and manufacturing. The sector doubled as a trading hub, and there were nearly a million stations scattered throughout the system. Most of the stations were unarmed. It was something Yvian had expected growing up in the Confederation, but now that she'd seen more of the galaxy unarmed stations struck her as a terrible idea.
Despite the large number of stations, there were only a few hundred thousand ships in the sector. Mostly unarmed Oluken cargo haulers. Yvian assumed anyone who had a jumpdrive had already escaped, leaving the rest of those poor souls to flee to the nearest station and pray that the Elders would drop shields long enough to let them dock. There were also a few hundred ships of the Vrrl Starfang Empire circling a few of the trading posts, gunning down any Klaath that came close. Several dozen vessels of the Pixen Technocracy were doing the same.
Half a million Vrrl capitol ships were dividing into smaller fleets and heading for the stations. The Priderender had already left the formation with an escort of four battlecruisers. More Vrrl were pouring out of each of the Gates, with fighter class Hissiths and Clawwings undocking from battlecruisers and running for the farthest stations at maximum acceleration. None of the Vrrl bothered avoiding the Klaath. Nor did they seek them out. They just moved to their destinations, smashing anything stupid enough to get in their way.
There were roughly fifty thousand Klaath Klusters so far, but more were appearing every second. Each Kluster was a sphere, made up of twenty Raiders grouped around a single Klaath Fighter and fused together. Most of them would drift aimlessly through the void until they came within a few hundred kilometers of a ship or a station. Then the Klusters would erupt, the ships separating and zooming in for the kill. Other Klusters gathered together, forming circles of spinning ships. Space rippled within the circles, opening portals to allow Corvettes, Frigates, and the dreaded Destroyers into the sector.
Two Peacekeeper Queenships were coming out of Tendril Sector's East, South, and North Gates. The Queens would take half an hour to exit the Gates completely, but that didn't stop them from putting their beam weapons to devastating use. The Queens concentrated their fire on the Klaath nearest the Gates. The Klaath didn't use Jumpgates, and destroying the Gates would be the first thing they tried. A few thousand Stinger units detached themselves from each of the Queens, switching their diffused anti-MAC weapons back to traditional long range beam cannons. They would circle around behind the Gates and kill any Klaath attacking from that direction.
The Monster in Paradise and one other Queenship stayed where they were, about two hundred thousand kilometers from the West Gate. Their Stinger units were launching as well. The Random Encounter idled within the Monster's shield bubble, staying protected until its own shields were charged.
The Oluken Military were doing what they could, where they could. All their ships were roughly frigate sized, about two thirds of a kilometer in length. They were fast, almost as fast as a Federation ship, and their shields were much stronger than Yvian expected. Their weapons were less impressive. Each ship had thirty two metal tentacles with cannons on the end, but they packed less punch then Confederation guns, far less than the humans and the Vrrl. The Random Encounter had more firepower, and it was just a fighter. The Oluken had been patrolling in groups of eight, and they were desperately trying to link up with each other or the Vrrl before the Klaath overwhelmed them.
Yvian moved to access the sensor reports of Aldara Sector, but a question from Scarrend interrupted her. "Shouldn't we be sending someone after the spy?"
"In the middle of all this?" Lissa gestured at the sensor display.
"We don't have to hunt her down ourselves," Scarrend pointed out. "A few dozen Peacekeeper units would be more than enough."
"There's no point," said the Captain. "The Peacekeepers let Myrsa get away on purpose."
"They did?" Yvian frowned at the machine.
"Think about it," said Mims. "A Peacekeeper unit's a walking lie detector. Do you really think they didn't know Myrsa was a spy? Or that she wasn't being monitored? There's no way she got to an unattended ship without them knowing."
"Affirmative," Kilroy agreed. "Peacekeeper units had to manufacture an emergency to explain why Myrsa Trin was unattended. The riots provided excellent cover."
"Ok, but... why?" Yvian frowned harder. "Why let her get away? Why let a spy work with Lissa at all?"
"I've got a better question." Lissa's tone was frosty. "Why didn't you tell me about it?"
"That was my call," said Mims. "You're an amazing person, Lissa, and I love you dearly, but you're not cut out for spycraft."
Lissa regarded the human with a glare so furious Yvian could see it through her helmet. "What's that supposed to mean?"
Mims returned her look with the seriousness it was due. "Lissa. If you knew Myrsa was a spy, would you have still made friends with her?"
"What? No!" The glare receded. "I wouldn't have let her work for me at all."
"Exactly," said the human. "It's standard practice to keep track of known spies. If our enemies have a spy in place they're less likely to try sneaking in another one, and it lets us feed false intel and uncover other spies. It's good spycraft, but it only works if they don't know their cover's blown. You're smart, beautiful, and a born leader, but you don't have it in you to pretend to be someone's friend when you're not. Not for long, at least. If we told you about Myrsa, she'd know you were on to her within a day."
"That's..." Lissa started. "I could... No." She sighed. "You're right. I don't have to like it, though."
"Intelligence is a dirty business," said the Captain. "No one likes it."
"Ok, but why'd we let her go?" Yvian came back to the matter at hand. "Why give the humans their spy back?"
"Good question," said Mims. "Kilroy?"
"Myrsa Trin has gathered extensive intelligence on our capabilities," Kilroy answered. "The information she has acquired implies that we are considerably more powerful and dangerous than we actually are. This will increase the likelihood the meatbags will surrender. More importantly, Myrsa Trin will give the humans access to a Lucendian crystal implant."
"What good will that do them?" asked Scarrend. "The only Lucendian ship outside of New Pixa is the child yoked to their anti-tech ship, and that specimen is too small and weak for the humans to pilot."
"Negative," said the machine. "There is one other Lucendian vessel outside of our custody. A vessel with the same capabilities as the fallen Skygem."
Another Skygem? Oh. Oh, Bright Lady. "Blingy," Yvian breathed. She'd handed the ship to the Xill shortly after getting her implant. She'd known the ship was alive. She hadn't realized just how sapient the crystal ships were, but she'd known she was alive. She'd known, and she handed her over anyway. Condemned Blingy to torture and experimentation at the hands of the machines. It might be the worst thing she'd ever done. "You're talking about Blingy."
"Affirmative," Kilroy confirmed. "The ship known as Blingy is still in the custody of the Xill. Specifically, the ship is located at Hub 14, under Reba's control. It is not possible for Peacekeeper units to retrieve the vessel without provoking a war with the Xill. Nor is it likely Exodus the Genocide can convince Consensus to return the ship to us if they succeed in defeating Reba."
"But Reba might give the ship to the humans," Yvian guessed.
"Especially if it'll help screw us over," Lissa added.
"Affirmative," said Kilroy. "Without a functioning Lucendian vessel, the Pixen Technocracy has no way to counter the Vore when they return. We cannot retrieve Blingy from the Xill, so we must take Blingy from the humans."
"A dangerous play," Scarrend remarked. "I have seen what these ships are capable of. If the humans have one when we do not..."
"They might be able to win," said Lissa. "And they know it. Why else would they do..." she gestured at her sensor display. "All this?"
"It's a big risk," Mims agreed. "But I think it's one worth taking. Good work, Kilroy. Tell the other units I'm impressed." He glowered down at his console. "I just wish... What the hell?"
Yvian checked her own display. The Klaath were leaving. Fast. Klusters circled up, opening portals to take the bigger ships out of the system. Those Klusters not forming portals disappeared, going back to wherever they came from. Raiders and Fighters still mindlessly shot at whatever targets they'd found, but the rest of the Klaath were leaving. In a few more minutes they'd all be gone.
"I've never heard of the Klaath just leaving." Yvian could hear Lissa's frown.
"We've never seen an Incursion without a habitable planet either," said Scarrend. "Maybe they figured out there's nothing here but gas giants and barren rocks."
"We get Klusters in uninhabited sectors all the time," said Mims. "Usually just a couple, but I saw a couple thousand pop in at Trinog Sector a few years back. They don't leave. They just float around until the bastards starve to death or someone kills them."
"Big Daddy Mims," Kilroy spoke up. "The Klaath are leaving Aldara Sector as well."
"What the hell?" Mims repeated himself. He typed into his console. Yvian followed his example, pulling up the sensor feed being relayed from the ships in Aldara Sector. It was just as the Peacekeeper said. The Klaath were leaving.
"Strange," Scarrend remarked, "but I suppose we shouldn't complain when a problem solves itself."
"No." The Captain's shoulders were taught. "It can't be that easy. Not with the Klaath." He was silent for a moment, head bowed, breathing slowly. His shoulders relaxed slightly, and he raised his head. "Kilroy, I want everything we can spare at Aldara. Right now."
"What do you mean everything?" Lissa asked.
"I mean fucking everything." The Captain was grim. "Every ship, every weapon platform, every fucking gun Zhukov can spare."
"Are you experiencing a hunch, Big Daddy Mims?" A tinge of purple crept into the red of Kilroy's eyes.
It was another scary thing about the humans. Premonitions. Hunches. Mims claimed there was nothing supernatural about it. Just his subconscious processing information, a benefit born of experience and the brain's tendency towards pattern recognition. Yvian wasn't sure it was that simple, but she did know one thing. When the Captain had a bad feeling, things tended to go very bad, very quickly.
"I don't know. Could be PTSD." Mims clenched his fists. "But better safe than sorry."
2024.05.20 05:57 Determination7 An Outcast In Another World (Subtitle: Is 'Insanity' A Racial Trait?) [Fantasy, LitRPG] - Chapter 265 (Book 6 Chapter 50) (Part 2)
Link to Part 1 (Read This First)
--
Something inside Rob's head clicked. He exhaled, cleared his thoughts, and concentrated. There was no time to plan – so he made some for himself.
Quick Thinking Level Increased! $^&$#*# → (@^$(#)&
The world went still, as if he'd pressed pause on reality.
Okay.
What Skills was he underutilizing? What stats was he underutilizing?
Go down the list. Reassess your preconceptions. Strength to deal damage. Vitality to survive. Endurance to fight for long periods. Dexterity to catch his prey. Perception to find his prey. Mind to shield his...well, mind. Magic to use certain Skills, especially Rampage. All necessary and important.
Yet not always treated equally.
He felt confident that he was getting the most out of his Strength, Vitality, and Dexterity. They were his bread-and-butter stats. Perception less so, but he couldn't exactly call time-out on the fight to go train his senses. Mind–
Actually, Mind was linked to a surprising number of abilities. Passive boosts like Heat Resistance, utility Skills like Speed Reading, and even things like...
Sense Mana.
He'd never been great at Sensing Mana. It didn't come naturally to him. Then again, what about any of this was natural? That ship had sailed the moment he started making numbers go up by killing squirrels. He wasn't here for an honest duel – he was here to cheat his way to victory over the inhuman despots of the divine realms.
And luckily, nothing cheated harder than Level 99 Skills. For example, this highly interesting bit he recalled from Never Forget Your Rage: 'Significantly increases the user's proficiency with Sense Mana.' He hadn't given it much thought before, simply because manipulating mana wasn't his forte. It didn't seem relevant to how he typically won battles.
Time to fix that.
Rob charged. It was a direct frontal assault with no bells or whistles attached. Quick Thinking slowed his perception of reality to a crawl as he watched Kismet prep his teleport.
In that same split-second, he focused on Sense Mana, expanding his awareness across the battlefield. I feel...Kismet. Myself. Riardin's Rangers. The lesser gods. Divine essence. Rifts leaking. Energy. Energy everywhere. Yikes. Is this what Malika senses all the time? How can she hear herself think?
Eyes twitching, Rob pruned out any unnecessary information, separating the white noise from what was important. He sharpened his awareness to a razor-thin point and searched. Amidst the clamor of magic, rifts, and divinity, he found...
A disturbance. No larger than a ripple in a vast ocean. Yet it was there. Something new.
Something that had started right when Kismet saw him charge.
The god weaved mana, initiating his escape.
{TEN! YOU–}
Rob smothered the static into a low whisper, rushing towards that tiny ripple. Kismet's teleportation spells were instantaneous, but to an Ascending HUMAN with unnatural Perception and Quick Thinking, nothing in the universe was truly beyond perceiving. He reacted in the space between moments, Sensing where the god's teleport would end up, then heading straight for it.
Which meant that when Kismet re-appeared, Rob was already mere inches away.
PURGE DIVINITY.
He aimed for the center of mass. Leveling High's static had gone silent, as if rendered speechless. Rob watched in slow motion as – without even a hint of resistance – his hand sank into the stunned god's torso.
GOOOOT. YOOOOU. Fingers clenched, energy pulsed, and laughter echoed. A thrill of triumph surged through Rob's veins, like adrenaline mixed with sweet ambrosia. For a brief micro-instant, he was allowed to believe that the battle had been won.
Then Kismet exploded.
It was more startling than harmful – like a Riardin's Special of divine essence detonating in Rob's face. Without warning, the god's mana-body abruptly burst apart, scattering in all directions.
The HUMAN was left in a state of baffled disbelief, holding his arm out towards nothing. Was that...it? Had Purge Divinity triggered the godly equivalent of an allergic reaction? Because it was supposed to eradicate their mana, not do that. And considering that the gods could shape their mana at will, how much would exploding realistically affect them?
What if this was no different than a lizard abandoning its tail?
His suspicions were confirmed when Kismet reformed a safe distance away. The god was clutching his wounded chest area, looking somewhat worse for the wear. Fear and outrage had overtaken his countenance. "How did you discern where I would appear? How?!"
Rob didn't respond. Instead, he stared at the fragment of divine essence clutched in his hand. It was all that remained from what should have been checkmate.
A consolation prize for his failed efforts.
{...Eleven.}
Leveling High said nothing else. It didn't need to. Rob couldn't even fool himself into thinking that he'd proven his point. While this was the most damage he'd inflicted on Kismet so far, it was hardly the decisive blow he'd wished for.
That wasn't enough to warrant another eleven fruitless chases. Not when both his body and the divine realms were treading ever closer to collapse. The ever-increasing weariness of his flesh was proof of that. Victory wasn't impossible, but it seemed increasingly unlikely that he could seize it before catastrophe struck.
I've still taken a step forward. If I make use of Sense Mana again, react faster next time...then Kismet would adapt as well. The slippery bastard wasn't going to be caught off-guard in the exact same manner. He would also be siphoning more mana from the rifts, gradually increasing his power – whereas Rob's had plateaued.
Unless...unless...{unless...}
Unless the HUMAN Ascended.
As if drawn by the pull of destiny, his gaze locked onto the fragment of divinity held within his grip. Rob shivered as a red haze began coating his vision. The essence called to him, singing a melody of transcendence, inviting him to throw off the restrictive shackles of mortality and become something greater.
He just needed to devour it. Accept its divinity unto himself. Embrace his metamorphosis, and gain the might of gods. With his full potential realized...he could save everyone.
At the cost of his humanity.
Maybe the distinction shouldn't matter at this point. Compared to the average Elatran, his mortality was essentially window dressing. What mortal could go toe-to-toe with the creators of a world? Besides, the Blight-child could've been wrong about Ascension changing him. Even if he went and made things official, 'preserving these worlds' would always be his goal. He would still be himself.
Probably.
Assuming that godhood didn't forcibly alter his personality.
Assuming that being subjected to infinity didn't splinter his weary mind.
Assuming that Leveling High wasn't misleading him in some way.
Assuming...a lot of things, really.
I shouldn't be hesitating. Rob glared at the divine essence as if it was a poisonous viper. Of \course* this is risky. It's still less risky than praying I get a lucky hit on Kismet in the immediate future. I've always preferred to roll the dice if it would better my odds, so why–*
{Your true emotions are laid bare to me,} Leveling High interrupted, hissing loudly. {These justifications mask a core of selfishness. You worry that Ascending will leave your friends behind.} It made a noise of distaste. {Apparently, that is more important than ensuring their survival.}
Rob froze. All at once, several puzzle pieces slotted into place.
Leveling High wasn't entirely wrong. He was being selfish. Rob knew that even in the best-case scenario, Ascending would turn him into an existence that was incompatible with living in the mortal realms. It would be like the disconnect he'd felt when visiting Fiend territory recently, only magnified a hundred times over.
None of that sounded remotely appealing. Ultimate power wasn't worth feeling eternally isolated. His visions of the Original Will, Second Will, and gods had made that exceptionally clear.
However...if that was all, he wouldn't be hesitating right now. Unlike the rest of his Party, he was totally allowed to make heroic sacrifices. Rules for thee and not for me. Rob would've discarded his humanity in a heartbeat if he thought there was no other way. Logically, he did think that.
Emotionally, he didn't.
Because he wasn't alone.
Even at his most fatalistic, Rob couldn't overrule the part of him that believed in Riardin's Rangers. If he kept faith...just for a little while longer...
They would grant him a miracle.
It was then that a warbling SCREECH resounded throughout the realms.
Rob and Kismet were unable to suppress their curiosity. Making sure to keep an eye on each other, they cautiously directed a portion of their attention to the screech's origin. Both were fully intending to ambush the other if they detected the smallest hint of carelessness.
They still almost lost composure after noticing what was going on.
At a separate corner of the battlefield, Zamira was tearing into her opponent with what could only be described as ruthless efficiency. The god flailed like a helpless lamb before a butcher, impotently thrashing about as a Skill-wreathed sword carved into it time and again. Mana erupted in a conflagration of panic, but Zamira sidestepped its reprisal with graceful ease, untouched and unfazed as she went back to one-sidedly dominating a literal deity.
Rob resisted the urge to rub his eyes. He was having difficulty understanding what he was watching. It wasn't just that Zamira was winning – it was the way she was winning. From what he could surmise, her stats hadn't increased. She didn't seem stronger or faster than before.
Yet her movements embodied the very pinnacle of swordsmanship as an art form. Precise, calculated, but flowing like water. She was a painter at work, and with every stroke of her brush on the canvas, her final portrait took shape.
One-by-one, all other battles ground to a halt. Seven mortals and seven gods stood transfixed as they bore witness to expertise not seen in many thousands of years.
Like a wounded animal, Zamira's foe – or more accurately, her training dummy – lashed out. Destructive mana surrounded her. Exhibiting zero concern, she dashed forward and imbued her sword with the light of a Skill.
"Lost Art: Moonlight's Mirror." In one swift motion, she sliced up through the mana in front of her. The light imbuing her sword repelled the god's energy, parting its magic like the Red Seas. Zamira immediately dashed into the opening she'd created and scored another vicious blow, disengaging before the god could retaliate.
Lost Art? Rob pondered. Okay, that's \definitely* new.* He'd been in the room when Riardin's Rangers discussed their Level 99 Class Skills, and Zamira hadn't mentioned anything like this. Something must've changed while he was busy fighting Kismet...not that Rob was in any rush to look a gift horse in the mouth.
Zamira moved as a blur of silver and steel, shifting behind her opponent. "Lost Art: Aura Blade." The light enshrining her sword intensified, and when she struck next, it left an injury on the god's mana-body that struggled to heal. By now its form appeared threadbare, like a patchwork quilt that had been ripped and sewn back together countless times.
That was when Rob truly realized what was happening. Zamira's fancy footwork and new Skills were impressive, yet they wouldn't have amounted to anything if she couldn't deal lasting damage – which she was. While her Aura Blade wasn't nearly as effective as Purge Divinity, it had still achieved the combination of raw power and mana manipulation that was necessary to harm a creature of energy.
Slowly but surely, the god was dying.
Everyone else realized that around the same moment. The lesser gods moved to assist their comrade, and Riardin's Rangers quickly intercepted them. Rob caught sight of Keira bashing her god aside with the flat of her greatsword, knocking it away before it could cast a spell at Zamira.
Noticing a flicker of motion, Rob took one step towards Kismet. The god halted in place, his arm half-risen. They exchanged a long look. Kismet didn't want to restart their song and dance, and Rob didn't want to miss the show.
Eventually, the HUMAN let out a chuckle. He waggled his finger at his dance partner, as if admonishing an unruly toddler."LeT hER CoOK."
And cook she did. Unhindered, Zamira methodically dismantled her god. Cut by cut, and piece by piece, the deity was whittled down to a pale imitation of its former glory. Once or twice it managed to slightly graze her with an attack, but that was all.
Its fate had been sealed for a long time now.
"Lost Art: Eight-Pointed Jaws." Zamira hammered the god with a rapid flurry of blows. Each strike carved a line of mana into its body. When the eighth line had been unleashed, the god suddenly crumpled inward, as if it was being chomped on by the maw of an enormous beast.
Piteous screams melded with the sound of a Bladesoul readying her most powerful Skill. Its aura shone with a wicked silver glow, like a falling guillotine reflecting the sunlit rays of a new dawn.
"K-Kismet!" The god reached out to its leader with a trembling limb. "Please! Kism–"
"CREATED ART: GOD-SLAYING SWORD!"
She cut just once.
The god burnt away, leaving not even ashes in the wind.
Rob concentrated with Sense Mana. His mouth split into a feral grin when he searched for the god's essence and detected absolutely fucking nothing. It was gone. Kaput. Finito. Wouldn't have been possible without Kismet draining his own allies to save his skin, but he had, so here they were.
The HUMAN activated Purge Divinity and clenched his fist. He destroyed the essence fragment he'd ripped from Kismet, then fixed the god with a gaze of murderous finality.
"ChECkMaTE."
Kismet flinched, comprehension dawning on him as he envisioned how the rest of the battle would play out. Zamira didn't seem the least bit winded. She had plenty of gas left in the tank, and was currently heading over to team up with one of her allies and slay the next god.
With that in mind...the day's outcome had already been decided. Rob would keep Kismet busy. Riardin's Rangers would steadily clean up the lesser gods. Then, as a full Party, they would gang up on Kismet and beat the everloving shit out of him.
No fuss, no muss.
Kismet began to panic – then stopped, centering himself. He seemed to reach a decision, some plan formulating in his thoughts.
Defiance? Oh, that's adorable. The BERSERKER's grin grew so wide that it hurt. Let's make this a game. His hands pulsed brightly with Purging energy. Will I kill you before my Party members finish up on their end? We win either way, but hey! Can't have them do \all* the work–*
"Elder Alessia is dead."
Rob's breath caught in his throat.
She...what? He'd heard Kismet speak, but, no, that couldn't be–
"Elder Alessia is dead. Remember that I cannot lie."
He tried to respond. No words came out. It felt as if the world had vanished from underneath his feet.
"Elder Alessia is dead," Kismet repeated, for the third time. "She used Soul Burn to keep the Queen of Dragons at bay."
She...she used...
Rob hadn't seen Alessia when he went to check on Fiend territory. Didn't think anything of it. Wasn't like he looked everywhere. Figured he'd just missed her.
But she was...gone? Since Ragnavi? He'd spent days expunging Dungeons and Leviathans, gallivanting around Elatra like a fucking idiot, thinking that at least he'd prevented more people he cared about from dying, when the whole time, Alessia had been–
{BEHIND!}
The warning came far too late.
Even if it had come earlier, though, he still might not have dodged. Kismet's attack wasn't packed full of destructive magic like his other spells. Sense Mana didn't register it as a threat. Rob immediately cast Dauntless Reprisal on reflex, but that didn't help either.
Because this wasn't intended to damage him.
A surge of mana pierced Rob's back. An intense burning coursed through him, as if his veins and skin were simultaneously being set aflame. It was a sensation that, unfortunately, he recognized.
Kismet had directly infused his soul with mana.
This wasn't the first time. The gods had done it once before to refill Rob's Purging energy stores. In fact, although they'd warned him of the consequences, he'd pushed for it rather...vocally.
Despite being inflicted with Soul Instability as a result, Rob didn't regret his choice. Back then, it had been the key to finally ending the Second Will's appalling ambitions.
Now?
It was no better than adding ten tons of weight onto rotting support beams.
Rob fell to his knees. Agony and weakness suffused his body. He felt Purging energy swell within – for all the good it would serve him, because he couldn't move a muscle.
An unsurprising system notification popped into view.
Warning: Soul Instability has increased to High!
--
Thanks for reading!
submitted by Determination7 to HFY [link] [comments]
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Something inside Rob's head clicked. He exhaled, cleared his thoughts, and concentrated. There was no time to plan – so he made some for himself.
Quick Thinking Level Increased! $^&$#*# → (@^$(#)&
The world went still, as if he'd pressed pause on reality.
Okay.
What Skills was he underutilizing? What stats was he underutilizing?
Go down the list. Reassess your preconceptions. Strength to deal damage. Vitality to survive. Endurance to fight for long periods. Dexterity to catch his prey. Perception to find his prey. Mind to shield his...well, mind. Magic to use certain Skills, especially Rampage. All necessary and important.
Yet not always treated equally.
He felt confident that he was getting the most out of his Strength, Vitality, and Dexterity. They were his bread-and-butter stats. Perception less so, but he couldn't exactly call time-out on the fight to go train his senses. Mind–
Actually, Mind was linked to a surprising number of abilities. Passive boosts like Heat Resistance, utility Skills like Speed Reading, and even things like...
Sense Mana.
He'd never been great at Sensing Mana. It didn't come naturally to him. Then again, what about any of this was natural? That ship had sailed the moment he started making numbers go up by killing squirrels. He wasn't here for an honest duel – he was here to cheat his way to victory over the inhuman despots of the divine realms.
And luckily, nothing cheated harder than Level 99 Skills. For example, this highly interesting bit he recalled from Never Forget Your Rage: 'Significantly increases the user's proficiency with Sense Mana.' He hadn't given it much thought before, simply because manipulating mana wasn't his forte. It didn't seem relevant to how he typically won battles.
Time to fix that.
Rob charged. It was a direct frontal assault with no bells or whistles attached. Quick Thinking slowed his perception of reality to a crawl as he watched Kismet prep his teleport.
In that same split-second, he focused on Sense Mana, expanding his awareness across the battlefield. I feel...Kismet. Myself. Riardin's Rangers. The lesser gods. Divine essence. Rifts leaking. Energy. Energy everywhere. Yikes. Is this what Malika senses all the time? How can she hear herself think?
Eyes twitching, Rob pruned out any unnecessary information, separating the white noise from what was important. He sharpened his awareness to a razor-thin point and searched. Amidst the clamor of magic, rifts, and divinity, he found...
A disturbance. No larger than a ripple in a vast ocean. Yet it was there. Something new.
Something that had started right when Kismet saw him charge.
The god weaved mana, initiating his escape.
{TEN! YOU–}
Rob smothered the static into a low whisper, rushing towards that tiny ripple. Kismet's teleportation spells were instantaneous, but to an Ascending HUMAN with unnatural Perception and Quick Thinking, nothing in the universe was truly beyond perceiving. He reacted in the space between moments, Sensing where the god's teleport would end up, then heading straight for it.
Which meant that when Kismet re-appeared, Rob was already mere inches away.
PURGE DIVINITY.
He aimed for the center of mass. Leveling High's static had gone silent, as if rendered speechless. Rob watched in slow motion as – without even a hint of resistance – his hand sank into the stunned god's torso.
GOOOOT. YOOOOU. Fingers clenched, energy pulsed, and laughter echoed. A thrill of triumph surged through Rob's veins, like adrenaline mixed with sweet ambrosia. For a brief micro-instant, he was allowed to believe that the battle had been won.
Then Kismet exploded.
It was more startling than harmful – like a Riardin's Special of divine essence detonating in Rob's face. Without warning, the god's mana-body abruptly burst apart, scattering in all directions.
The HUMAN was left in a state of baffled disbelief, holding his arm out towards nothing. Was that...it? Had Purge Divinity triggered the godly equivalent of an allergic reaction? Because it was supposed to eradicate their mana, not do that. And considering that the gods could shape their mana at will, how much would exploding realistically affect them?
What if this was no different than a lizard abandoning its tail?
His suspicions were confirmed when Kismet reformed a safe distance away. The god was clutching his wounded chest area, looking somewhat worse for the wear. Fear and outrage had overtaken his countenance. "How did you discern where I would appear? How?!"
Rob didn't respond. Instead, he stared at the fragment of divine essence clutched in his hand. It was all that remained from what should have been checkmate.
A consolation prize for his failed efforts.
{...Eleven.}
Leveling High said nothing else. It didn't need to. Rob couldn't even fool himself into thinking that he'd proven his point. While this was the most damage he'd inflicted on Kismet so far, it was hardly the decisive blow he'd wished for.
That wasn't enough to warrant another eleven fruitless chases. Not when both his body and the divine realms were treading ever closer to collapse. The ever-increasing weariness of his flesh was proof of that. Victory wasn't impossible, but it seemed increasingly unlikely that he could seize it before catastrophe struck.
I've still taken a step forward. If I make use of Sense Mana again, react faster next time...then Kismet would adapt as well. The slippery bastard wasn't going to be caught off-guard in the exact same manner. He would also be siphoning more mana from the rifts, gradually increasing his power – whereas Rob's had plateaued.
Unless...unless...{unless...}
Unless the HUMAN Ascended.
As if drawn by the pull of destiny, his gaze locked onto the fragment of divinity held within his grip. Rob shivered as a red haze began coating his vision. The essence called to him, singing a melody of transcendence, inviting him to throw off the restrictive shackles of mortality and become something greater.
He just needed to devour it. Accept its divinity unto himself. Embrace his metamorphosis, and gain the might of gods. With his full potential realized...he could save everyone.
At the cost of his humanity.
Maybe the distinction shouldn't matter at this point. Compared to the average Elatran, his mortality was essentially window dressing. What mortal could go toe-to-toe with the creators of a world? Besides, the Blight-child could've been wrong about Ascension changing him. Even if he went and made things official, 'preserving these worlds' would always be his goal. He would still be himself.
Probably.
Assuming that godhood didn't forcibly alter his personality.
Assuming that being subjected to infinity didn't splinter his weary mind.
Assuming that Leveling High wasn't misleading him in some way.
Assuming...a lot of things, really.
I shouldn't be hesitating. Rob glared at the divine essence as if it was a poisonous viper. Of \course* this is risky. It's still less risky than praying I get a lucky hit on Kismet in the immediate future. I've always preferred to roll the dice if it would better my odds, so why–*
{Your true emotions are laid bare to me,} Leveling High interrupted, hissing loudly. {These justifications mask a core of selfishness. You worry that Ascending will leave your friends behind.} It made a noise of distaste. {Apparently, that is more important than ensuring their survival.}
Rob froze. All at once, several puzzle pieces slotted into place.
Leveling High wasn't entirely wrong. He was being selfish. Rob knew that even in the best-case scenario, Ascending would turn him into an existence that was incompatible with living in the mortal realms. It would be like the disconnect he'd felt when visiting Fiend territory recently, only magnified a hundred times over.
None of that sounded remotely appealing. Ultimate power wasn't worth feeling eternally isolated. His visions of the Original Will, Second Will, and gods had made that exceptionally clear.
However...if that was all, he wouldn't be hesitating right now. Unlike the rest of his Party, he was totally allowed to make heroic sacrifices. Rules for thee and not for me. Rob would've discarded his humanity in a heartbeat if he thought there was no other way. Logically, he did think that.
Emotionally, he didn't.
Because he wasn't alone.
Even at his most fatalistic, Rob couldn't overrule the part of him that believed in Riardin's Rangers. If he kept faith...just for a little while longer...
They would grant him a miracle.
It was then that a warbling SCREECH resounded throughout the realms.
Rob and Kismet were unable to suppress their curiosity. Making sure to keep an eye on each other, they cautiously directed a portion of their attention to the screech's origin. Both were fully intending to ambush the other if they detected the smallest hint of carelessness.
They still almost lost composure after noticing what was going on.
At a separate corner of the battlefield, Zamira was tearing into her opponent with what could only be described as ruthless efficiency. The god flailed like a helpless lamb before a butcher, impotently thrashing about as a Skill-wreathed sword carved into it time and again. Mana erupted in a conflagration of panic, but Zamira sidestepped its reprisal with graceful ease, untouched and unfazed as she went back to one-sidedly dominating a literal deity.
Rob resisted the urge to rub his eyes. He was having difficulty understanding what he was watching. It wasn't just that Zamira was winning – it was the way she was winning. From what he could surmise, her stats hadn't increased. She didn't seem stronger or faster than before.
Yet her movements embodied the very pinnacle of swordsmanship as an art form. Precise, calculated, but flowing like water. She was a painter at work, and with every stroke of her brush on the canvas, her final portrait took shape.
One-by-one, all other battles ground to a halt. Seven mortals and seven gods stood transfixed as they bore witness to expertise not seen in many thousands of years.
Like a wounded animal, Zamira's foe – or more accurately, her training dummy – lashed out. Destructive mana surrounded her. Exhibiting zero concern, she dashed forward and imbued her sword with the light of a Skill.
"Lost Art: Moonlight's Mirror." In one swift motion, she sliced up through the mana in front of her. The light imbuing her sword repelled the god's energy, parting its magic like the Red Seas. Zamira immediately dashed into the opening she'd created and scored another vicious blow, disengaging before the god could retaliate.
Lost Art? Rob pondered. Okay, that's \definitely* new.* He'd been in the room when Riardin's Rangers discussed their Level 99 Class Skills, and Zamira hadn't mentioned anything like this. Something must've changed while he was busy fighting Kismet...not that Rob was in any rush to look a gift horse in the mouth.
Zamira moved as a blur of silver and steel, shifting behind her opponent. "Lost Art: Aura Blade." The light enshrining her sword intensified, and when she struck next, it left an injury on the god's mana-body that struggled to heal. By now its form appeared threadbare, like a patchwork quilt that had been ripped and sewn back together countless times.
That was when Rob truly realized what was happening. Zamira's fancy footwork and new Skills were impressive, yet they wouldn't have amounted to anything if she couldn't deal lasting damage – which she was. While her Aura Blade wasn't nearly as effective as Purge Divinity, it had still achieved the combination of raw power and mana manipulation that was necessary to harm a creature of energy.
Slowly but surely, the god was dying.
Everyone else realized that around the same moment. The lesser gods moved to assist their comrade, and Riardin's Rangers quickly intercepted them. Rob caught sight of Keira bashing her god aside with the flat of her greatsword, knocking it away before it could cast a spell at Zamira.
Noticing a flicker of motion, Rob took one step towards Kismet. The god halted in place, his arm half-risen. They exchanged a long look. Kismet didn't want to restart their song and dance, and Rob didn't want to miss the show.
Eventually, the HUMAN let out a chuckle. He waggled his finger at his dance partner, as if admonishing an unruly toddler."LeT hER CoOK."
And cook she did. Unhindered, Zamira methodically dismantled her god. Cut by cut, and piece by piece, the deity was whittled down to a pale imitation of its former glory. Once or twice it managed to slightly graze her with an attack, but that was all.
Its fate had been sealed for a long time now.
"Lost Art: Eight-Pointed Jaws." Zamira hammered the god with a rapid flurry of blows. Each strike carved a line of mana into its body. When the eighth line had been unleashed, the god suddenly crumpled inward, as if it was being chomped on by the maw of an enormous beast.
Piteous screams melded with the sound of a Bladesoul readying her most powerful Skill. Its aura shone with a wicked silver glow, like a falling guillotine reflecting the sunlit rays of a new dawn.
"K-Kismet!" The god reached out to its leader with a trembling limb. "Please! Kism–"
"CREATED ART: GOD-SLAYING SWORD!"
She cut just once.
The god burnt away, leaving not even ashes in the wind.
Rob concentrated with Sense Mana. His mouth split into a feral grin when he searched for the god's essence and detected absolutely fucking nothing. It was gone. Kaput. Finito. Wouldn't have been possible without Kismet draining his own allies to save his skin, but he had, so here they were.
The HUMAN activated Purge Divinity and clenched his fist. He destroyed the essence fragment he'd ripped from Kismet, then fixed the god with a gaze of murderous finality.
"ChECkMaTE."
Kismet flinched, comprehension dawning on him as he envisioned how the rest of the battle would play out. Zamira didn't seem the least bit winded. She had plenty of gas left in the tank, and was currently heading over to team up with one of her allies and slay the next god.
With that in mind...the day's outcome had already been decided. Rob would keep Kismet busy. Riardin's Rangers would steadily clean up the lesser gods. Then, as a full Party, they would gang up on Kismet and beat the everloving shit out of him.
No fuss, no muss.
Kismet began to panic – then stopped, centering himself. He seemed to reach a decision, some plan formulating in his thoughts.
Defiance? Oh, that's adorable. The BERSERKER's grin grew so wide that it hurt. Let's make this a game. His hands pulsed brightly with Purging energy. Will I kill you before my Party members finish up on their end? We win either way, but hey! Can't have them do \all* the work–*
"Elder Alessia is dead."
Rob's breath caught in his throat.
She...what? He'd heard Kismet speak, but, no, that couldn't be–
"Elder Alessia is dead. Remember that I cannot lie."
He tried to respond. No words came out. It felt as if the world had vanished from underneath his feet.
"Elder Alessia is dead," Kismet repeated, for the third time. "She used Soul Burn to keep the Queen of Dragons at bay."
She...she used...
Rob hadn't seen Alessia when he went to check on Fiend territory. Didn't think anything of it. Wasn't like he looked everywhere. Figured he'd just missed her.
But she was...gone? Since Ragnavi? He'd spent days expunging Dungeons and Leviathans, gallivanting around Elatra like a fucking idiot, thinking that at least he'd prevented more people he cared about from dying, when the whole time, Alessia had been–
{BEHIND!}
The warning came far too late.
Even if it had come earlier, though, he still might not have dodged. Kismet's attack wasn't packed full of destructive magic like his other spells. Sense Mana didn't register it as a threat. Rob immediately cast Dauntless Reprisal on reflex, but that didn't help either.
Because this wasn't intended to damage him.
A surge of mana pierced Rob's back. An intense burning coursed through him, as if his veins and skin were simultaneously being set aflame. It was a sensation that, unfortunately, he recognized.
Kismet had directly infused his soul with mana.
This wasn't the first time. The gods had done it once before to refill Rob's Purging energy stores. In fact, although they'd warned him of the consequences, he'd pushed for it rather...vocally.
Despite being inflicted with Soul Instability as a result, Rob didn't regret his choice. Back then, it had been the key to finally ending the Second Will's appalling ambitions.
Now?
It was no better than adding ten tons of weight onto rotting support beams.
Rob fell to his knees. Agony and weakness suffused his body. He felt Purging energy swell within – for all the good it would serve him, because he couldn't move a muscle.
An unsurprising system notification popped into view.
Warning: Soul Instability has increased to High!
--
Thanks for reading!
2024.05.20 05:57 Academic-Pay7200 So I was suspended but they actually fired me.
So Domino's Pizza was actually my first job, I mainly worked landscaping so I was always getting paid in cash. When I first started working as a manager towards the middle/end of my GM's time working at the store, there were rumors of her stealing money. But not knowing better I was putting my own money into the store and she wasn’t even stopping me from doing so (encouraging me to continue). Around $2k-3k. Didn’t get reimbursed or a thank you lmao.
A couple years later I did put my two weeks in and work somewhere else but had schedule complications so I went back to Domino’s Pizza. The GMIT+3 was very shitty and lazy at her job but was happy that I was back because she doesn’t want to close anymore. She later walked out because she found out she was being transferred to another store that is slower. So now I would close Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Sunday.
Our DM is kinda tricky, I couldn’t figure out I was his least favorite because anything I do that was minor got treated like a big deal. I would do literally what he wanted me to do but no one else would have to comply with it. I had to do zenputs with the lights on but another manager would always do them off. Another manager would not wear a belt or tuck in his shirt but would sometimes not do the opening checklist. Another manager came in 30 minutes after open when I had a couple deliveries (I was asked to open this one week, so 10:30am) but used the GM’s numbers to edit his time to 9:30am. Our GM would literally wait till I fucked up somewhere to start putting me on the spot in the manager chat. Like tots needed to be prep in 8 ounces bags (28 tots). I’m actually the one that preps them and a few others sometimes because the openers usually will not prep them. I decided not to do them this time but instead of putting them in a clean container with a new in use tag just to get put on the spot. Stuff like that.
Now to the actual two reasons why I was suspended. First I was caught on camera working without being clocked in. There are times where I will clock out if I just have to mop and take trash out. And times where we will get truck mid day or two or so hours before close. So I figured I don’t need to be clocked in to put truck away because sometimes openers when they get it on their shift they won't put it away, so I do it. But apparently it’s illegal and against policy to be clocked out while working. I never knew that. Again, Domino’s Pizza is my first job no one till my DM told me that. If I knew it was illegal and against policy I wouldn’t have done that. I thought I was being nice and efficient.
Second, I will probably just list the next reason: By the period they believe I was stealing money. I was not. All money will always be in the store.
*orders that aren't bad ordered/zenputed immediately and not picked up by customers. Now coworkers will throw them away or will eat them during opening hours and managers as well as me will forget about them. So at the end of the night the orders will be in the non-paid sections but we will assume the money is in the store.
*orders that are too old and customers will still pick them up. Meaning I will just make a duplicate order of it and cancel the original without zenputing them (originals). And use whatever coupons reach the price they were "promised" by the app.
*non-recorded credits; I get customers calling the store claiming to have credits that other managers agreed to give. I'll check in-store comment/order history under the number called with or with another number it could've been. But I didn't want to argue with the customer or be a broken record in the mgr chat so I zeroed them out.
*orders being edited; I mentioned before about the complexity for the elderly and some others who don't know how to navigate the app/website. So I usually use 20% off. For my regulars that usually use the online $7.99 but forget about it, I just toss them a 20% off as well. Sometimes.
Examples: May 16, 2024 there was an order for I believe Joe Gomez or something, the ticket said 2 specialty pizzas (meatzzas) and a sandwich but it was never picked up so I gave it to this homeless guy outside around close. It was one of the last orders. There were two tickets pinned on the board in the office that were kept to remind me to submit them through zenput but I forgot. Unless the managers threw them out.
To clarify, I don't care about getting my job back but I'm no thief, I was hurt that was being branded as one after all the money I put in. And people I would help. Granted what I did was wrong but damn. Sorry for bothering everyone I guess.
8070, Team Murph.
submitted by Academic-Pay7200 to Dominos [link] [comments]
A couple years later I did put my two weeks in and work somewhere else but had schedule complications so I went back to Domino’s Pizza. The GMIT+3 was very shitty and lazy at her job but was happy that I was back because she doesn’t want to close anymore. She later walked out because she found out she was being transferred to another store that is slower. So now I would close Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Sunday.
Our DM is kinda tricky, I couldn’t figure out I was his least favorite because anything I do that was minor got treated like a big deal. I would do literally what he wanted me to do but no one else would have to comply with it. I had to do zenputs with the lights on but another manager would always do them off. Another manager would not wear a belt or tuck in his shirt but would sometimes not do the opening checklist. Another manager came in 30 minutes after open when I had a couple deliveries (I was asked to open this one week, so 10:30am) but used the GM’s numbers to edit his time to 9:30am. Our GM would literally wait till I fucked up somewhere to start putting me on the spot in the manager chat. Like tots needed to be prep in 8 ounces bags (28 tots). I’m actually the one that preps them and a few others sometimes because the openers usually will not prep them. I decided not to do them this time but instead of putting them in a clean container with a new in use tag just to get put on the spot. Stuff like that.
Now to the actual two reasons why I was suspended. First I was caught on camera working without being clocked in. There are times where I will clock out if I just have to mop and take trash out. And times where we will get truck mid day or two or so hours before close. So I figured I don’t need to be clocked in to put truck away because sometimes openers when they get it on their shift they won't put it away, so I do it. But apparently it’s illegal and against policy to be clocked out while working. I never knew that. Again, Domino’s Pizza is my first job no one till my DM told me that. If I knew it was illegal and against policy I wouldn’t have done that. I thought I was being nice and efficient.
Second, I will probably just list the next reason: By the period they believe I was stealing money. I was not. All money will always be in the store.
*orders that aren't bad ordered/zenputed immediately and not picked up by customers. Now coworkers will throw them away or will eat them during opening hours and managers as well as me will forget about them. So at the end of the night the orders will be in the non-paid sections but we will assume the money is in the store.
*orders that are too old and customers will still pick them up. Meaning I will just make a duplicate order of it and cancel the original without zenputing them (originals). And use whatever coupons reach the price they were "promised" by the app.
*non-recorded credits; I get customers calling the store claiming to have credits that other managers agreed to give. I'll check in-store comment/order history under the number called with or with another number it could've been. But I didn't want to argue with the customer or be a broken record in the mgr chat so I zeroed them out.
*orders being edited; I mentioned before about the complexity for the elderly and some others who don't know how to navigate the app/website. So I usually use 20% off. For my regulars that usually use the online $7.99 but forget about it, I just toss them a 20% off as well. Sometimes.
Examples: May 16, 2024 there was an order for I believe Joe Gomez or something, the ticket said 2 specialty pizzas (meatzzas) and a sandwich but it was never picked up so I gave it to this homeless guy outside around close. It was one of the last orders. There were two tickets pinned on the board in the office that were kept to remind me to submit them through zenput but I forgot. Unless the managers threw them out.
To clarify, I don't care about getting my job back but I'm no thief, I was hurt that was being branded as one after all the money I put in. And people I would help. Granted what I did was wrong but damn. Sorry for bothering everyone I guess.
8070, Team Murph.
2024.05.20 05:53 No-Celebration-3225 Should I (F20) confront my housemate (M20) about not looking after his guest?
So last night my uni housemate (M20) invited his friend from his hometown to stay the night. We had an evening of drinks to which his guest got very drunk.
Now usually how it goes when we have guests is when it comes to going up to bed the guest and whoever is having them to stay will usually go up together however his guest insisted on staying up later as he wanted to drink more.
Now, my housemate is in a relationship with another housemate and they usually spend the night together every night. So to no surprise he had gone to stay in her room (after telling his guest he will be in his room to let him in when he decides to come up). They are a new couple and inevitably want to always be with each other which I understand.
His guest got very drunk and was the last to go to bed of all of us and left the TV on blasting loud music (I get this wasn’t his fault as he didn’t know how to control the TV) and ended up slumped in front of the bedroom he was staying in for the night (to which another housemate discovered him and put the code in to unlock the door).
I just feel like when you have a guest it’s your responsibility to make sure they’re comfortable and my housemate kinda just left him to his own devices just so he can stay with his gf.
He has done something similar last year when his ex gf and home friend came to stay with him and he had his ex in his bed and his home friend and to sleep in the car in the cold.
I’m not just sure whether to confront this or not? I spoke to the other housemate and he agreed with me completely that a guest should be your responsibility especially in a new city they haven’t been to before.
It won’t be a harsh confrontation kinda just pointing out where it was wrong.
TL DR; should i confront my housemate about not being a good host to his guests
submitted by No-Celebration-3225 to Advice [link] [comments]
Now usually how it goes when we have guests is when it comes to going up to bed the guest and whoever is having them to stay will usually go up together however his guest insisted on staying up later as he wanted to drink more.
Now, my housemate is in a relationship with another housemate and they usually spend the night together every night. So to no surprise he had gone to stay in her room (after telling his guest he will be in his room to let him in when he decides to come up). They are a new couple and inevitably want to always be with each other which I understand.
His guest got very drunk and was the last to go to bed of all of us and left the TV on blasting loud music (I get this wasn’t his fault as he didn’t know how to control the TV) and ended up slumped in front of the bedroom he was staying in for the night (to which another housemate discovered him and put the code in to unlock the door).
I just feel like when you have a guest it’s your responsibility to make sure they’re comfortable and my housemate kinda just left him to his own devices just so he can stay with his gf.
He has done something similar last year when his ex gf and home friend came to stay with him and he had his ex in his bed and his home friend and to sleep in the car in the cold.
I’m not just sure whether to confront this or not? I spoke to the other housemate and he agreed with me completely that a guest should be your responsibility especially in a new city they haven’t been to before.
It won’t be a harsh confrontation kinda just pointing out where it was wrong.
TL DR; should i confront my housemate about not being a good host to his guests
2024.05.20 05:13 theconstellinguist Envy and Extreme Violence
https://www.wtsglobal.com/public_html/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/Envy-Extreme-Vio.pdf
Crossposting audience: The bad news is there does not seem to be a cure for envy. This is congruent with the recidivism statistics of maladapted/antisocial behavior in narcissists, without which narcissism and those with NPD would not be so socially undesirable. However, there are clear signs that the circuitry of envy is noticeably different than the circuitry of admiration, and that jealousy pathways are similar to addiction and expectation of reward pathways. A neuroeconomic analysis of "I won't win this one without illegal/unethical leveling" may be occurring in the envious, showing there may be insight that could resolve what has been until this point and unresolvable emotion full of frustration and pain at the perceived inferiority these individuals suffer. It is important to study and resolve this to help protect their victims from violence, psychological, and economic abuse, theft, hostage-taking of what is critical to the envied person, and unreasonable dislike that turns into hate crime on a whim. Victims deserve protection (the envious say the opposite) and so we research. Follow this subreddit for the first research-backed subreddit on envy.
Intense envy is associated with shame, depression, inferiority, isolation, anxiety, paranoia, and even violent criminal behavior.
Envy is an emotion capable of producing distorted perceptions and cognitions. Intense envy is associated with adverse states such as shame, depression, inferiority, isolation, anxiety, paranoia, and even violent criminal behavior.
The envious can become violent when they want to destroy goodness as perceived advantage, especially if they do not feel they possess goodness
There may come a point at which the envious person's goal is to harm the other's ability to enjoy the perceived advantages—the wish to destroy goodness as formulated by Melanie Klein.
Obliterative envy is the violent instantiation of envy focusing on a desire to obliterate what is perceived as an unjust, intolerable reality
The psychodynamics are discussed by which destructive envy produces or enhances a persecutory mindset and desire for revenge so powerful that lethal violence is chosen as an option. The concepts of obliterative envy and pseudo-spiritual transformation are introduced, and forensic case examples are used to demonstrate how envy produces persecutory cognitions and facilitates the desire to “obliterate” what is perceived as an unjust, intolerable reality.
Increased projection of the malicious or terrorist impulse is the sign of an escalation in the violent envious person’s ability to commit violence. As they grow more out of control in this respect, the more likely they are to actually engage in these actions.
The false logic of envy convinces the individual that they have an unfavorable and immutable disadvantage—thus, the other appears enhanced while the individual feels diminished. This depressing, humiliating position generates resentment toward the other. Depending upon developmental experience and other psychosocial factors, the individual with envy may increasingly use projection, projective identification, and experience persecutory thoughts.
The envious other wants to harm or destroy the other’s ability to enjoy these perceived advantages
There may come a point at which the envious person's goal is to harm or destroy the other's ability to enjoy the perceived advantages.
A bizarre scenario is witnessed where someone sacrifices their own life from spite to hurt the envied
. In some cases, extremely envious individuals are willing to spitefully sacrifice their own lives in an act of violence. The act may be felt as revenge for some perceived or actual injustice, but the driving emotion is intolerable envy, consciously recognized by the attacker or not.
We conclude by reviewing the challenges of detecting severe envy and preoccupation with lethality in treatment and in non-treatment settings where threat assessment protocols may be applied.
Obliterative envy is the state of mind arising from overwhelming narcissistic rage and resentment
. Obliterative envy is the state of mind arising from overwhelming narcissistic rage and resentment, leading the individual to destroy the envied other, and simultaneously himself, to negate the detested situation in its entirety. Pseudo-spiritual transformation is the state of mind by which the perpetrator's personal grievance is justified and elevated to the level of a spiritual or religious imperative.
Proximal warning signs are pathway, fixation, identification, novel aggression, energy burst, leakage, last resort, and directly communicated threat
The TRAP-18 consists of 8 proximal warning behaviors—pathway, fixation, identification, novel aggression, energy burst, leakage, last resort, and directly communicated threat—and 10 distal characteristics—
10 distal characteristics are found, however odd patterns shown in intelligence of purposefully creating these conditions should be noted for terroristic envy from the inside themselves
personal grievance and moral outrage, framed by an ideology, failure to affiliate with an extremist or other group, dependence on the virtual community, thwarting of occupational goals, changes in thinking and emotion, failure of sexually intimate pair bonding, mental disorder, greater creativity and innovation, and history of criminal violence.
Acknowledging envy declares one’s inferiority which causes shame
To acknowledge envy is to declare one's felt inferiority, which in turn triggers additional feelings of shame (Ronningstam, 2005).
Enviers can be seen in both ideation of crime and premeditated crime experience a fierce kind of sadistic pleasure when contemplating violence toward the envied
Among all the so-called seven deadly sins (pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, sloth), Milic (2019) argues that envy produces nothing but mental anguish and is devoid of even an initial burst of pleasure or immediate gratification. We would suggest that envy may hold within it both masochistic pleasure, and well as a fierce kind of sadistic pleasure when contemplating violence toward the envied.
Painful and resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another joined with a desire to possess the same advantage can be seen
Confusion of terms has long been the case where envy and jealousy are concerned; examples abound. For instance, “I am jealous of her good looks,” is more accurately an admission of envy. Envy, in its simplest form, is defined in the dictionary as a “painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another, joined with a desire to possess the same advantage” (Merriam-Webster.com, 2021).
Romantic jealousy is fear of loss of mate and mate retention behaviors, and envy is seen as someone threatening to take away advantage personally
Romantic jealousy has been found to be positively correlated with feelings of insecurity, low self-esteem, and mate retention behaviors (Chin et al., 2017). Whereas in envy, advantage is perceived as belonging to the other; in jealousy, a rival is seen as threatening to take away the advantage (Anderson, 2002).
Narcissistic injury too unbearable to tolerate causes violence. A poisoning quality is specific to the violently envious
In the case of both tension states, it is a matter of degree—how much does the negative comparison lead the sufferer to experience painful feelings of inferiority and shame that result in a narcissistic injury too unbearable to tolerate? Is there the potential for narcissistic rage in its various manifestations, including violence? As the UK advice columnist Irma Kurtz wrote, “jealousy fights duels, envy poisons the soup (Kurtz, 1987).” Table 1 lists the comparative characteristics of envy and jealousy.
Insatiability, and excessive willingness to even take out themselves and their own security, even if it be financial, to take out the person they are envious of can be seen in the violently envious person. They are competitive and will do anything to stop being thrown into relief as less advantaged with the envied person.
Moreover, envy is historically and consistently referred to as hidden and insidious (Epstein, 2003; Minou, 2017). Envy may often be denied because of its implication of inferiority, unwarranted malicious temptation in the envier, and especially its potential for destructiveness. Envy increases within the sufferer the likelihood of developing depression, lowers resilience, and destabilizes self-esteem (Xiang et al., 2020). Those laboring under strong envy are insatiable, competitive, and may be willing to sacrifice their own outcomes to diminish the envied person's perceived advantage (Smith & Kim, 2007
As a result, people report greater feelings of envy and inadequacy.
Passively browsing Facebook apparently incites lots of envy in the envy prone who may try to destroy or at least erase the presence of the one who makes them feel that much envy. Out of sight, out of mind for the envier is desired for and they try to make it a reality
Even passively browsing Facebook can lead to negative social comparison, envy, social isolation and a significantly impaired sense of life satisfaction (Morawska, 2019). Younger persons who spend more time on social media are more susceptible to these effects than older persons.
Consumed with envy and shame (violence most likely) becomes over time guilt-ridden and self-punishing as they continue to avoid feelings of narcissistic inaccessibility, aka, being reminded of what they can’t or don’t have.
Klein first theorized that mature development required transition from the persecutory position (consumed with envy and shame) to the depressive position (guilt-ridden and self-punishing) in order to avoid feelings of victimization and narcissistic inaccessibility (Klein, 1975).
Envy can be a driving emotion in some who go on to commit acts of extreme violence
Those with strong paranoid and narcissistic traits have been observed to suffer from a desire to destroy the goodness they perceive they have been unjustly denied. Such individuals seek to destroy the other's ability to enjoy the whole object pleasures of love or achievement (Zizek, 2008). Envy can be a primary driving emotion in some who go on to commit acts of extreme violence (Hyatt-Williams, 1998; Knoll, 2010a, 2010b).
Narcissism starts to distort senses of justice in envy. The “justice sense” suddenly becomes distorted and no longer justice in the envious instantiation.
Other main themes associated with envy in the psychological literature involve the envious person's perception of fairness and justice, narcissism, hostility, and grudge holding (Anderson, 2002; Milic, 2019; Nauta, 2009).
Entitlement is part of envy; the envious feel that they are withholding the goodness or justice of things like “having sex with the girls in the hottest sorority”. Externalization, projection and projective identification can be seen. These individuals show impaired ability for sympathy, empathy, regret, reconciliation or gratitude which all require an ability to see someone else as human who may feel things like they do, aka, an increased disposition to commodify agents is seen.
In the P-S position, the individual's worldview is based on feelings of mistreatment and frustration at what is perceived as intentional harm, injustice, or purposeful withholding of advantages. The P-S position is associated with the use of maladaptive defense mechanisms such as splitting, externalization, projection, and projective identification. Such individuals will have an impaired capacity for sympathy, empathy, regret, reconciliation or gratitude—emotions that necessitate an ability to represent others in one's mind as whole, real, and meaningful individuals. Via projection and projective identification (an incomplete projection wherein the projected content continues to threaten the self), such individuals perceive others as actively persecuting them by withholding the goodness, justice, or fairness to which they feel rightfully entitled (Grotstein, 1981)
Not getting what they feel entitled to is a profoundly depressing and humiliating experience for those who have an excessive predisposition to commodify and then feel entitled to things that should not have ever been commodified
As a result of their perception of intolerable injustice, some may become overwhelmed with a sense of loss that cannot be mourned (Feldman & De Paola, 1994). Grief is subsumed by personal grievance. There is then the potential for hostile revenge fantasies, followed by an unwillingness to forsake a martyrdom fantasy of ultimate and final revenge. Envy may defy common sense, yet its logic can be understood. Envious persons see the object of envy as big or advantaged, while they feel small and disadvantaged. This is a profoundly depressing and humiliating experience for the envious who are left harboring resentment and injustice, emotions which are often a product of depleted omnipotent fantasies (Anderson, 2002).
Defense of projection may hypertrophy to distort their perceptions of others as greedy, spiteful, and intentionally persecutory–aka, someone very rich may start projecting on others as greedy to project off the shame they feel for greed. Or, someone who is antisemitic with lots of wealth may suddenly become fixated on Jews to relieve themselves of the guilt they feel for not helping people.
They may come to experience—whether acknowledged as compensatory or not—a “malicious glee” (schadenfreude) over other's misfortune, which can develop into an addictive like pursuit of sadistic joy over others' sorrows. Their defense of projection may hypertrophy to distort their perceptions of others as greedy, spiteful and intentionally persecutory
Social pain over a perceived failure to meet some internalized level of value is seen
in contrast to the dynamic of a negative comparison defining envy, shame is “a painful feeling of an interrupted sense of joy, relationship, status, or pride, because of exposure of one's failure to meet standards or ideals” (p. 37). The key phrase here is not meeting “standards,” which suggests social pain over a perceived failure to meet some internalized level of value. S
Shame for feeling hate then leads to self-hate, and this suffering sees no relief until they decide to commit extreme violence
A vicious cycle may ensue, in which the envier is ashamed of feeling hateful, and then hates himself for feeling such negative emotions—which make him further aware of his inadequacy. In actuality, we suggest that these powerful negative emotions—shame, envy, hatred of others and hatred of self—are so interrelated that they may all be in play in the sufferer who chooses extreme violence.
Irrational suicidal behavior often called a “psychic death” can be found on people with extreme narcissistic injury and envy.
Gilligan's interpretations may not explain all instances of extreme violence, but they are consistent with what we call the obliterative mindset. The perpetrator has lost the capacity for undistorted judgment and to sublimate aggression. The “self” is already dead. He is now ready to override the survival instinct and fully embrace a drive toward death (Anderson, 2006).
A deep sense of victimizations promotes a righteous vengeance that then aggressively devalues the other to promote the self, as they do not feel like they will compare organically without aggressively manufacturing the devaluation of the other
. In the distorted logic of severe envy, a deep sense of victimization allows martyrdom and/or righteous vengeance to devalue the other and promote the self to heroic status.
The envious person decides he is going to show the world his true self, which in the end is nothing but another terrorist, one of many people who did nothing with their lives but just kill other people out of rage, envy and entitlement
Intolerable conditions and even the imperfect self are wiped clean, leaving only the perpetrator's final judgment, which is not open to appeal. The violent extremist warped by severe envy is drawn to a statement of self-affirmation to counteract overwhelming shame. By obliterating the unacceptable reality, his sacrifice seems worthwhile to him to re-establish his sense of self. Or as the violent perpetrator Elliot Rodger wrote: “Finally, at long last, I can show the world my true worth” (E.R. Manifesto, 2014). The paradox, however, is compelling: obliterating the actual self to realize just before death the perfect and omnipotent self.
Around the time of extremism, rigidity can be seen and is palpable on the one engaged in covert or overt acts
. Beliefs in the superiority of one's cause become rigidly fixed and overvalued (Rahman et al., 2019).
Extreme imbalances of what is given from what is taken is a clear signs of extreme envy, suggesting economic abuse is motivated by envy in many cases
: “Everything is gone. What I own is just gonna be a pittance compared to what I am going to take.” The distorted logic of severe envy can be seen at play in MH's statement: “It's a kind of a community that in order for you to get ahead, you have to keep the neighbor down. It's not…you know, building yourself up on your own merit, it's tear the other guy down.” There is no ambivalence or relativity at this point for MH. His world is split into only those who are building up and those who are tearing down. Deep in his persecutory position, MH gives about as clear an explanation, in our opinion, of the logic of violent, destructive envy as can be found in such cases:
Genocidal obliteration is seen on those so envious they become violent
. When I do this, that levels the playing field in my favor, so now we've got a lopsided playing field because when I come back at you, I'm gonna destroy your side of the playing field
Addicted to revenge, they make patently unreasonable decisions
Various townspeople interviewed in the documentary note how MH had been given numerous financially appealing options, including an offer of six times what he paid for his land. The object of MH's envy was his perception of the success of several businessmen whose family had lived in the town for generations. Offers to provide MH with a financially advantageous resolution held no sway since he was fully in the grip of an obliterative mindset. Or, as the town news editor stated, “He had a way out. He had a way out to make some good money and, and go on about his life, but he chose that path for whatever reason.” Instead, he narrowed his focus and proceeded according to the dictates of violent envy and revenge.
Peacefulness after extreme painful turbulence is a tell-tale sign of premeditated homicidal action in the envious
Tied to these signs of PST is MH's statement that “a peace came over me…,” perhaps describing an almost spiritual feeling of relief after having finally resigned himself to die. Such descriptions of emotional reprieve have been associated with anticipatory and relief-oriented permissive beliefs in suicidal crises (Del-Monte & Graziani, 2020). Perpetrators of mass murder and other forms of targeted homicide-suicide have similarly described a state of peacefulness and relief that arises once they have come to terms with their own death as not only inevitable and acceptable, but planned, either by their own hand or as a “suicide-bycop.”
“I wasn’t supposed to caught”; an exceptionalism is seen on the violently envious
ambivalence. MH proceeds to strengthen and amplify his violent intent via a combination of PST and teleological thinking: “I wasn't supposed to get caught! God built me to be here to prove to you that what you have been doing for God knows how many years is wrong.”
Resolving the crisis would be an intolerable sign of weakness and inferiority (Gilligan & Richards, 2021).
This statement suggests his intensifying envy, often apparent in pathologically narcissistic states and traits (Kernberg, 1992). What MH deserves is beyond question, and now God expects him to harm the objects of his envy. The conviction of transcendent moral and spiritual righteousness is a common justification for violent lashing out by those in the persecutory position. Resolving the crisis nonviolently would require more psychological degrees of freedom and capacity for gratitude and empathy than MH possessed. To him it would be an intolerable sign of weakness and inferiority (Gilligan & Richards, 2021).
When people are happy an aggressive raging need to ruin it is seen on the envious
As poetically described by Gilligan and Richards (2021), the most direct, immediate and literal way to wipe tormentors' mocking smiles from their faces is to make them weep through violence.
Fixation is a huge sign of extreme envy and ability to commit envy-based violence
MH's PST would be associated with the TRAP-18 (Meloy, 2017) distal characteristic of Changes in Thinking and Emotion. These changes are often complex, and appear to occur in three domains: interpersonal relations become more limited and isolation increases; there is evidence of fantasy that is both grandiose and violent (often leaked through social media); and emotions shift from just anger, to also contempt and disgust for the target. We also see continued TRAP-18 evidence of the proximal warning behavior of Fixation, in this case motivated by extreme overvalued beliefs (Meloy & Rahman, 2020). Fixation, a preoccupation with a person or a cause that is accompanied by deterioration in work and love, is often the first proximal warning behavior to appear in a case of targeted violence (Meloy et al., 2021).
Last resort behavior can be seen when they think they were never going to get caught, a desperate attempt to commit violent envious action to secure the envied’s punishment for making them feel envy
Last Resort proximal warning behavior is defined as a violent action and time imperative: the person must act, and he must act now. Such warning behavior is often precipitated by a triggering event—often a loss in love or work--or one that is anticipated, and is sometimes accompanied by feelings of desperation or distress (Meloy, 2017).
Envy that powerful pushes them into the obliterative mindset, where violence occurs
Such intense devaluation of the desired object suggests envy powerful enough to push him into the obliterative mindset.
ER repeatedly used the word “envy” to describe his misery.
ER repeatedly used the word “envy” to describe his misery. He understood the difference between envy and jealousy, which he also experienced at an early age when there would be a third boy on playdates with his best friend (E.R. Manifesto, 2014).
He shows that the desire to torture is motivated by envy, showing that envy is indeed a product of envy and with it its links to narcissism
ER went to a Starbucks coffee shop there, where he became “livid with envious hatred” upon seeing a couple kissing. He proceeded to throw his coffee on them. What he actually fantasized doing was to “kill them slowly… strip the skins off their flesh.” The sight of a couple enjoying themselves brought out sadistic urges to destroy them, but not before torturing them by removing the very organ they would use to enjoy each other—their skin.
Entitlement is also linked to the torture as envy milieu saying “if I cannot have it, I will destroy it”. That is extreme entitlement
Just as MH described the true nature of destructive envy so well, so does ER, with jarring precision: “If I cannot have it, I will destroy it.
A hatred for someone from a younger generation enjoying things they didn’t can be seen in the envious
That was the day that I decided I would have to kill him on the Day of Retribution. I will not allow the boy to surpass me at everything, to live the life I've always wanted. It's not fair that he has the chance to have a pleasurable life while I've been denied it. It will be a hard thing to do, because I had really bonded with my little brother in the last year, and he respected and looked up to me. But I would have to do it. If I can't live a pleasurable life, then neither will he!
Fixation and pathological preoccupation followed by deterioration is seen on those who are capable of and/or commit envious violent action
The ER case is rife with examples of the proximal warning behavior of Fixation on the TRAP-18: “an increasingly pathological preoccupation with a person or a cause, accompanied by a deterioration in social and occupational life” (Meloy, 2017)
Envy based torture premeditation and enaction is seen on those envious who fit the description for TRAP-18
When ER saw the couple kissing at Starbucks he also wanted to kill them, “slowly.” What he actually did was throw coffee on them (and, incidentally, at great risk of physical retaliation). Such a behavior is an example of the proximal warning behavior on the TRAP-18 of Novel Aggression: “an act of violence that appears unrelated to any targeted violence pathway and is committed for the first time” (Meloy et al., 2012), and is done to test one's violent capability.
Acute narcissistic injury can trigger a suicidal crisis
An acute narcissistic injury in the patient's life could trigger a suicidal crisis in the absence of a depressed state. Ronningstam (2005) discussed the various meanings of suicidality in narcissistic patients, among them, an illusion of control and mastery (as well as preserving the perfect self), a shield against anticipated narcissistic injuries (death before dishonor), and an act of revenge: an individual may commit suicide to spite someone else.
Even envious hatred for therapists can be found, with therapists witnessing boredom with the sessions and withdrawing from direct engagement. This suggests extreme dispositional envy.
. He may pronounce boredom with the sessions or withdraw from direct engagement; his envious hatred may be hidden underneath an attitude of indifference. Alternatively, he may attempt to compete with the therapist, claiming superior knowledge or understanding (Abraham, 1927)
Envious individuals suffer from an encapsulated murderous aspect of their personalities
…most envious individuals suffer from an encapsulated murderous aspect of their personalities. If this concealed enclave is suddenly detonated by external circumstances, homicidal or suicidal violence can erupt.
Envious people see the world as zero-sum and try to reinforce back to zero-sum when people prove it is not inherently zero-sum. They will aggressively try to renormalize it back to where their envy seems less pathological and distorted.
In the zero-sum game of envy, there is a myth that if someone has something good, the other person is diminished. A major goal of therapy is to help patients see that self-esteem is not dependent on what someone else has and that their accomplishments are not connected to those of others. The therapist works to interpret to the patient that his zero-sum view undermines the chance in his life that he and others can simultaneously feel successful and gratified (pp. 128–129).
Envy influences the subject’s violent motives
s. Understanding the powerful psychodynamics of severe envy, the obliterative mindset and pseudo-spiritual transformation, contribute to the knowledge base for threat assessment practice. Threat assessment clinicians on these teams may identify the signs of envy, often subtle or revealed indirectly, and its influence on a subject's violent motives.
Desire for revenge becomes so powerful they commit revenge-based homicide or attempt it, and may even sacrifice their own lives and careers just because of the burning narcissistic envy
When the desire for revenge is powerful enough, such individuals may conclude an act of lethal violence is wholly necessary and the only logical remedy, even if it means sacrificing their own lives.
This act of extreme violence risks the lives of both self and other while providing a relatively brief period of shelter from intense narcissistic injury.
Obliterative envy describes the process by which envy, and its related mental and emotional states, are negated through an act of extreme violence. This act of extreme violence risks the lives of both self and other while providing a relatively brief period of shelter from intense narcissistic injury. Pseudo-spiritual transformation is the perpetrator's belief that violent revenge, in response to a personal grievance, is being guided and sanctified by some transcendent power, usually of personal religious significance.
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Crossposting audience: The bad news is there does not seem to be a cure for envy. This is congruent with the recidivism statistics of maladapted/antisocial behavior in narcissists, without which narcissism and those with NPD would not be so socially undesirable. However, there are clear signs that the circuitry of envy is noticeably different than the circuitry of admiration, and that jealousy pathways are similar to addiction and expectation of reward pathways. A neuroeconomic analysis of "I won't win this one without illegal/unethical leveling" may be occurring in the envious, showing there may be insight that could resolve what has been until this point and unresolvable emotion full of frustration and pain at the perceived inferiority these individuals suffer. It is important to study and resolve this to help protect their victims from violence, psychological, and economic abuse, theft, hostage-taking of what is critical to the envied person, and unreasonable dislike that turns into hate crime on a whim. Victims deserve protection (the envious say the opposite) and so we research. Follow this subreddit for the first research-backed subreddit on envy.
Intense envy is associated with shame, depression, inferiority, isolation, anxiety, paranoia, and even violent criminal behavior.
Envy is an emotion capable of producing distorted perceptions and cognitions. Intense envy is associated with adverse states such as shame, depression, inferiority, isolation, anxiety, paranoia, and even violent criminal behavior.
The envious can become violent when they want to destroy goodness as perceived advantage, especially if they do not feel they possess goodness
There may come a point at which the envious person's goal is to harm the other's ability to enjoy the perceived advantages—the wish to destroy goodness as formulated by Melanie Klein.
Obliterative envy is the violent instantiation of envy focusing on a desire to obliterate what is perceived as an unjust, intolerable reality
The psychodynamics are discussed by which destructive envy produces or enhances a persecutory mindset and desire for revenge so powerful that lethal violence is chosen as an option. The concepts of obliterative envy and pseudo-spiritual transformation are introduced, and forensic case examples are used to demonstrate how envy produces persecutory cognitions and facilitates the desire to “obliterate” what is perceived as an unjust, intolerable reality.
Increased projection of the malicious or terrorist impulse is the sign of an escalation in the violent envious person’s ability to commit violence. As they grow more out of control in this respect, the more likely they are to actually engage in these actions.
The false logic of envy convinces the individual that they have an unfavorable and immutable disadvantage—thus, the other appears enhanced while the individual feels diminished. This depressing, humiliating position generates resentment toward the other. Depending upon developmental experience and other psychosocial factors, the individual with envy may increasingly use projection, projective identification, and experience persecutory thoughts.
The envious other wants to harm or destroy the other’s ability to enjoy these perceived advantages
There may come a point at which the envious person's goal is to harm or destroy the other's ability to enjoy the perceived advantages.
A bizarre scenario is witnessed where someone sacrifices their own life from spite to hurt the envied
. In some cases, extremely envious individuals are willing to spitefully sacrifice their own lives in an act of violence. The act may be felt as revenge for some perceived or actual injustice, but the driving emotion is intolerable envy, consciously recognized by the attacker or not.
We conclude by reviewing the challenges of detecting severe envy and preoccupation with lethality in treatment and in non-treatment settings where threat assessment protocols may be applied.
Obliterative envy is the state of mind arising from overwhelming narcissistic rage and resentment
. Obliterative envy is the state of mind arising from overwhelming narcissistic rage and resentment, leading the individual to destroy the envied other, and simultaneously himself, to negate the detested situation in its entirety. Pseudo-spiritual transformation is the state of mind by which the perpetrator's personal grievance is justified and elevated to the level of a spiritual or religious imperative.
Proximal warning signs are pathway, fixation, identification, novel aggression, energy burst, leakage, last resort, and directly communicated threat
The TRAP-18 consists of 8 proximal warning behaviors—pathway, fixation, identification, novel aggression, energy burst, leakage, last resort, and directly communicated threat—and 10 distal characteristics—
10 distal characteristics are found, however odd patterns shown in intelligence of purposefully creating these conditions should be noted for terroristic envy from the inside themselves
personal grievance and moral outrage, framed by an ideology, failure to affiliate with an extremist or other group, dependence on the virtual community, thwarting of occupational goals, changes in thinking and emotion, failure of sexually intimate pair bonding, mental disorder, greater creativity and innovation, and history of criminal violence.
Acknowledging envy declares one’s inferiority which causes shame
To acknowledge envy is to declare one's felt inferiority, which in turn triggers additional feelings of shame (Ronningstam, 2005).
Enviers can be seen in both ideation of crime and premeditated crime experience a fierce kind of sadistic pleasure when contemplating violence toward the envied
Among all the so-called seven deadly sins (pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, sloth), Milic (2019) argues that envy produces nothing but mental anguish and is devoid of even an initial burst of pleasure or immediate gratification. We would suggest that envy may hold within it both masochistic pleasure, and well as a fierce kind of sadistic pleasure when contemplating violence toward the envied.
Painful and resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another joined with a desire to possess the same advantage can be seen
Confusion of terms has long been the case where envy and jealousy are concerned; examples abound. For instance, “I am jealous of her good looks,” is more accurately an admission of envy. Envy, in its simplest form, is defined in the dictionary as a “painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another, joined with a desire to possess the same advantage” (Merriam-Webster.com, 2021).
Romantic jealousy is fear of loss of mate and mate retention behaviors, and envy is seen as someone threatening to take away advantage personally
Romantic jealousy has been found to be positively correlated with feelings of insecurity, low self-esteem, and mate retention behaviors (Chin et al., 2017). Whereas in envy, advantage is perceived as belonging to the other; in jealousy, a rival is seen as threatening to take away the advantage (Anderson, 2002).
Narcissistic injury too unbearable to tolerate causes violence. A poisoning quality is specific to the violently envious
In the case of both tension states, it is a matter of degree—how much does the negative comparison lead the sufferer to experience painful feelings of inferiority and shame that result in a narcissistic injury too unbearable to tolerate? Is there the potential for narcissistic rage in its various manifestations, including violence? As the UK advice columnist Irma Kurtz wrote, “jealousy fights duels, envy poisons the soup (Kurtz, 1987).” Table 1 lists the comparative characteristics of envy and jealousy.
Insatiability, and excessive willingness to even take out themselves and their own security, even if it be financial, to take out the person they are envious of can be seen in the violently envious person. They are competitive and will do anything to stop being thrown into relief as less advantaged with the envied person.
Moreover, envy is historically and consistently referred to as hidden and insidious (Epstein, 2003; Minou, 2017). Envy may often be denied because of its implication of inferiority, unwarranted malicious temptation in the envier, and especially its potential for destructiveness. Envy increases within the sufferer the likelihood of developing depression, lowers resilience, and destabilizes self-esteem (Xiang et al., 2020). Those laboring under strong envy are insatiable, competitive, and may be willing to sacrifice their own outcomes to diminish the envied person's perceived advantage (Smith & Kim, 2007
As a result, people report greater feelings of envy and inadequacy.
Passively browsing Facebook apparently incites lots of envy in the envy prone who may try to destroy or at least erase the presence of the one who makes them feel that much envy. Out of sight, out of mind for the envier is desired for and they try to make it a reality
Even passively browsing Facebook can lead to negative social comparison, envy, social isolation and a significantly impaired sense of life satisfaction (Morawska, 2019). Younger persons who spend more time on social media are more susceptible to these effects than older persons.
Consumed with envy and shame (violence most likely) becomes over time guilt-ridden and self-punishing as they continue to avoid feelings of narcissistic inaccessibility, aka, being reminded of what they can’t or don’t have.
Klein first theorized that mature development required transition from the persecutory position (consumed with envy and shame) to the depressive position (guilt-ridden and self-punishing) in order to avoid feelings of victimization and narcissistic inaccessibility (Klein, 1975).
Envy can be a driving emotion in some who go on to commit acts of extreme violence
Those with strong paranoid and narcissistic traits have been observed to suffer from a desire to destroy the goodness they perceive they have been unjustly denied. Such individuals seek to destroy the other's ability to enjoy the whole object pleasures of love or achievement (Zizek, 2008). Envy can be a primary driving emotion in some who go on to commit acts of extreme violence (Hyatt-Williams, 1998; Knoll, 2010a, 2010b).
Narcissism starts to distort senses of justice in envy. The “justice sense” suddenly becomes distorted and no longer justice in the envious instantiation.
Other main themes associated with envy in the psychological literature involve the envious person's perception of fairness and justice, narcissism, hostility, and grudge holding (Anderson, 2002; Milic, 2019; Nauta, 2009).
Entitlement is part of envy; the envious feel that they are withholding the goodness or justice of things like “having sex with the girls in the hottest sorority”. Externalization, projection and projective identification can be seen. These individuals show impaired ability for sympathy, empathy, regret, reconciliation or gratitude which all require an ability to see someone else as human who may feel things like they do, aka, an increased disposition to commodify agents is seen.
In the P-S position, the individual's worldview is based on feelings of mistreatment and frustration at what is perceived as intentional harm, injustice, or purposeful withholding of advantages. The P-S position is associated with the use of maladaptive defense mechanisms such as splitting, externalization, projection, and projective identification. Such individuals will have an impaired capacity for sympathy, empathy, regret, reconciliation or gratitude—emotions that necessitate an ability to represent others in one's mind as whole, real, and meaningful individuals. Via projection and projective identification (an incomplete projection wherein the projected content continues to threaten the self), such individuals perceive others as actively persecuting them by withholding the goodness, justice, or fairness to which they feel rightfully entitled (Grotstein, 1981)
Not getting what they feel entitled to is a profoundly depressing and humiliating experience for those who have an excessive predisposition to commodify and then feel entitled to things that should not have ever been commodified
As a result of their perception of intolerable injustice, some may become overwhelmed with a sense of loss that cannot be mourned (Feldman & De Paola, 1994). Grief is subsumed by personal grievance. There is then the potential for hostile revenge fantasies, followed by an unwillingness to forsake a martyrdom fantasy of ultimate and final revenge. Envy may defy common sense, yet its logic can be understood. Envious persons see the object of envy as big or advantaged, while they feel small and disadvantaged. This is a profoundly depressing and humiliating experience for the envious who are left harboring resentment and injustice, emotions which are often a product of depleted omnipotent fantasies (Anderson, 2002).
Defense of projection may hypertrophy to distort their perceptions of others as greedy, spiteful, and intentionally persecutory–aka, someone very rich may start projecting on others as greedy to project off the shame they feel for greed. Or, someone who is antisemitic with lots of wealth may suddenly become fixated on Jews to relieve themselves of the guilt they feel for not helping people.
They may come to experience—whether acknowledged as compensatory or not—a “malicious glee” (schadenfreude) over other's misfortune, which can develop into an addictive like pursuit of sadistic joy over others' sorrows. Their defense of projection may hypertrophy to distort their perceptions of others as greedy, spiteful and intentionally persecutory
Social pain over a perceived failure to meet some internalized level of value is seen
in contrast to the dynamic of a negative comparison defining envy, shame is “a painful feeling of an interrupted sense of joy, relationship, status, or pride, because of exposure of one's failure to meet standards or ideals” (p. 37). The key phrase here is not meeting “standards,” which suggests social pain over a perceived failure to meet some internalized level of value. S
Shame for feeling hate then leads to self-hate, and this suffering sees no relief until they decide to commit extreme violence
A vicious cycle may ensue, in which the envier is ashamed of feeling hateful, and then hates himself for feeling such negative emotions—which make him further aware of his inadequacy. In actuality, we suggest that these powerful negative emotions—shame, envy, hatred of others and hatred of self—are so interrelated that they may all be in play in the sufferer who chooses extreme violence.
Irrational suicidal behavior often called a “psychic death” can be found on people with extreme narcissistic injury and envy.
Gilligan's interpretations may not explain all instances of extreme violence, but they are consistent with what we call the obliterative mindset. The perpetrator has lost the capacity for undistorted judgment and to sublimate aggression. The “self” is already dead. He is now ready to override the survival instinct and fully embrace a drive toward death (Anderson, 2006).
A deep sense of victimizations promotes a righteous vengeance that then aggressively devalues the other to promote the self, as they do not feel like they will compare organically without aggressively manufacturing the devaluation of the other
. In the distorted logic of severe envy, a deep sense of victimization allows martyrdom and/or righteous vengeance to devalue the other and promote the self to heroic status.
The envious person decides he is going to show the world his true self, which in the end is nothing but another terrorist, one of many people who did nothing with their lives but just kill other people out of rage, envy and entitlement
Intolerable conditions and even the imperfect self are wiped clean, leaving only the perpetrator's final judgment, which is not open to appeal. The violent extremist warped by severe envy is drawn to a statement of self-affirmation to counteract overwhelming shame. By obliterating the unacceptable reality, his sacrifice seems worthwhile to him to re-establish his sense of self. Or as the violent perpetrator Elliot Rodger wrote: “Finally, at long last, I can show the world my true worth” (E.R. Manifesto, 2014). The paradox, however, is compelling: obliterating the actual self to realize just before death the perfect and omnipotent self.
Around the time of extremism, rigidity can be seen and is palpable on the one engaged in covert or overt acts
. Beliefs in the superiority of one's cause become rigidly fixed and overvalued (Rahman et al., 2019).
Extreme imbalances of what is given from what is taken is a clear signs of extreme envy, suggesting economic abuse is motivated by envy in many cases
: “Everything is gone. What I own is just gonna be a pittance compared to what I am going to take.” The distorted logic of severe envy can be seen at play in MH's statement: “It's a kind of a community that in order for you to get ahead, you have to keep the neighbor down. It's not…you know, building yourself up on your own merit, it's tear the other guy down.” There is no ambivalence or relativity at this point for MH. His world is split into only those who are building up and those who are tearing down. Deep in his persecutory position, MH gives about as clear an explanation, in our opinion, of the logic of violent, destructive envy as can be found in such cases:
Genocidal obliteration is seen on those so envious they become violent
. When I do this, that levels the playing field in my favor, so now we've got a lopsided playing field because when I come back at you, I'm gonna destroy your side of the playing field
Addicted to revenge, they make patently unreasonable decisions
Various townspeople interviewed in the documentary note how MH had been given numerous financially appealing options, including an offer of six times what he paid for his land. The object of MH's envy was his perception of the success of several businessmen whose family had lived in the town for generations. Offers to provide MH with a financially advantageous resolution held no sway since he was fully in the grip of an obliterative mindset. Or, as the town news editor stated, “He had a way out. He had a way out to make some good money and, and go on about his life, but he chose that path for whatever reason.” Instead, he narrowed his focus and proceeded according to the dictates of violent envy and revenge.
Peacefulness after extreme painful turbulence is a tell-tale sign of premeditated homicidal action in the envious
Tied to these signs of PST is MH's statement that “a peace came over me…,” perhaps describing an almost spiritual feeling of relief after having finally resigned himself to die. Such descriptions of emotional reprieve have been associated with anticipatory and relief-oriented permissive beliefs in suicidal crises (Del-Monte & Graziani, 2020). Perpetrators of mass murder and other forms of targeted homicide-suicide have similarly described a state of peacefulness and relief that arises once they have come to terms with their own death as not only inevitable and acceptable, but planned, either by their own hand or as a “suicide-bycop.”
“I wasn’t supposed to caught”; an exceptionalism is seen on the violently envious
ambivalence. MH proceeds to strengthen and amplify his violent intent via a combination of PST and teleological thinking: “I wasn't supposed to get caught! God built me to be here to prove to you that what you have been doing for God knows how many years is wrong.”
Resolving the crisis would be an intolerable sign of weakness and inferiority (Gilligan & Richards, 2021).
This statement suggests his intensifying envy, often apparent in pathologically narcissistic states and traits (Kernberg, 1992). What MH deserves is beyond question, and now God expects him to harm the objects of his envy. The conviction of transcendent moral and spiritual righteousness is a common justification for violent lashing out by those in the persecutory position. Resolving the crisis nonviolently would require more psychological degrees of freedom and capacity for gratitude and empathy than MH possessed. To him it would be an intolerable sign of weakness and inferiority (Gilligan & Richards, 2021).
When people are happy an aggressive raging need to ruin it is seen on the envious
As poetically described by Gilligan and Richards (2021), the most direct, immediate and literal way to wipe tormentors' mocking smiles from their faces is to make them weep through violence.
Fixation is a huge sign of extreme envy and ability to commit envy-based violence
MH's PST would be associated with the TRAP-18 (Meloy, 2017) distal characteristic of Changes in Thinking and Emotion. These changes are often complex, and appear to occur in three domains: interpersonal relations become more limited and isolation increases; there is evidence of fantasy that is both grandiose and violent (often leaked through social media); and emotions shift from just anger, to also contempt and disgust for the target. We also see continued TRAP-18 evidence of the proximal warning behavior of Fixation, in this case motivated by extreme overvalued beliefs (Meloy & Rahman, 2020). Fixation, a preoccupation with a person or a cause that is accompanied by deterioration in work and love, is often the first proximal warning behavior to appear in a case of targeted violence (Meloy et al., 2021).
Last resort behavior can be seen when they think they were never going to get caught, a desperate attempt to commit violent envious action to secure the envied’s punishment for making them feel envy
Last Resort proximal warning behavior is defined as a violent action and time imperative: the person must act, and he must act now. Such warning behavior is often precipitated by a triggering event—often a loss in love or work--or one that is anticipated, and is sometimes accompanied by feelings of desperation or distress (Meloy, 2017).
Envy that powerful pushes them into the obliterative mindset, where violence occurs
Such intense devaluation of the desired object suggests envy powerful enough to push him into the obliterative mindset.
ER repeatedly used the word “envy” to describe his misery.
ER repeatedly used the word “envy” to describe his misery. He understood the difference between envy and jealousy, which he also experienced at an early age when there would be a third boy on playdates with his best friend (E.R. Manifesto, 2014).
He shows that the desire to torture is motivated by envy, showing that envy is indeed a product of envy and with it its links to narcissism
ER went to a Starbucks coffee shop there, where he became “livid with envious hatred” upon seeing a couple kissing. He proceeded to throw his coffee on them. What he actually fantasized doing was to “kill them slowly… strip the skins off their flesh.” The sight of a couple enjoying themselves brought out sadistic urges to destroy them, but not before torturing them by removing the very organ they would use to enjoy each other—their skin.
Entitlement is also linked to the torture as envy milieu saying “if I cannot have it, I will destroy it”. That is extreme entitlement
Just as MH described the true nature of destructive envy so well, so does ER, with jarring precision: “If I cannot have it, I will destroy it.
A hatred for someone from a younger generation enjoying things they didn’t can be seen in the envious
That was the day that I decided I would have to kill him on the Day of Retribution. I will not allow the boy to surpass me at everything, to live the life I've always wanted. It's not fair that he has the chance to have a pleasurable life while I've been denied it. It will be a hard thing to do, because I had really bonded with my little brother in the last year, and he respected and looked up to me. But I would have to do it. If I can't live a pleasurable life, then neither will he!
Fixation and pathological preoccupation followed by deterioration is seen on those who are capable of and/or commit envious violent action
The ER case is rife with examples of the proximal warning behavior of Fixation on the TRAP-18: “an increasingly pathological preoccupation with a person or a cause, accompanied by a deterioration in social and occupational life” (Meloy, 2017)
Envy based torture premeditation and enaction is seen on those envious who fit the description for TRAP-18
When ER saw the couple kissing at Starbucks he also wanted to kill them, “slowly.” What he actually did was throw coffee on them (and, incidentally, at great risk of physical retaliation). Such a behavior is an example of the proximal warning behavior on the TRAP-18 of Novel Aggression: “an act of violence that appears unrelated to any targeted violence pathway and is committed for the first time” (Meloy et al., 2012), and is done to test one's violent capability.
Acute narcissistic injury can trigger a suicidal crisis
An acute narcissistic injury in the patient's life could trigger a suicidal crisis in the absence of a depressed state. Ronningstam (2005) discussed the various meanings of suicidality in narcissistic patients, among them, an illusion of control and mastery (as well as preserving the perfect self), a shield against anticipated narcissistic injuries (death before dishonor), and an act of revenge: an individual may commit suicide to spite someone else.
Even envious hatred for therapists can be found, with therapists witnessing boredom with the sessions and withdrawing from direct engagement. This suggests extreme dispositional envy.
. He may pronounce boredom with the sessions or withdraw from direct engagement; his envious hatred may be hidden underneath an attitude of indifference. Alternatively, he may attempt to compete with the therapist, claiming superior knowledge or understanding (Abraham, 1927)
Envious individuals suffer from an encapsulated murderous aspect of their personalities
…most envious individuals suffer from an encapsulated murderous aspect of their personalities. If this concealed enclave is suddenly detonated by external circumstances, homicidal or suicidal violence can erupt.
Envious people see the world as zero-sum and try to reinforce back to zero-sum when people prove it is not inherently zero-sum. They will aggressively try to renormalize it back to where their envy seems less pathological and distorted.
In the zero-sum game of envy, there is a myth that if someone has something good, the other person is diminished. A major goal of therapy is to help patients see that self-esteem is not dependent on what someone else has and that their accomplishments are not connected to those of others. The therapist works to interpret to the patient that his zero-sum view undermines the chance in his life that he and others can simultaneously feel successful and gratified (pp. 128–129).
Envy influences the subject’s violent motives
s. Understanding the powerful psychodynamics of severe envy, the obliterative mindset and pseudo-spiritual transformation, contribute to the knowledge base for threat assessment practice. Threat assessment clinicians on these teams may identify the signs of envy, often subtle or revealed indirectly, and its influence on a subject's violent motives.
Desire for revenge becomes so powerful they commit revenge-based homicide or attempt it, and may even sacrifice their own lives and careers just because of the burning narcissistic envy
When the desire for revenge is powerful enough, such individuals may conclude an act of lethal violence is wholly necessary and the only logical remedy, even if it means sacrificing their own lives.
This act of extreme violence risks the lives of both self and other while providing a relatively brief period of shelter from intense narcissistic injury.
Obliterative envy describes the process by which envy, and its related mental and emotional states, are negated through an act of extreme violence. This act of extreme violence risks the lives of both self and other while providing a relatively brief period of shelter from intense narcissistic injury. Pseudo-spiritual transformation is the perpetrator's belief that violent revenge, in response to a personal grievance, is being guided and sanctified by some transcendent power, usually of personal religious significance.
2024.05.20 04:52 NoDiamond2638 Travel Sucks. Family Sucks. I Suck.
I hate travel. I keep doing it. And I keep agreeing to travel ideas. But I hate it. So much. I thought I was so smart, booking my family and friend travel together. I’d only have to do the flying stuff for one round trip and get both things done basically for half the cost too! I really felt so smart and I should just never trust that feeling. Now all I want is to be home and I have more than a week left before my return flight. I’m not even through part one (family) of the trip and I have no idea how I will survive. I will because that’s like the only thing I do well. I live, not in a big fun since but just survival. Even when I try not to I still live. So I will survive. I know this even tho my insides feel like acid and I can’t see straight from crying. Silent crying. Because I can’t let anyone here know that I’m not okay. That would be worse.
I vented earlier, but now I think that was a mistake. Three of the people didn’t respond so idk if I upset people. But I can see now how sharing my immediate experience without asking if that was okay or if people had space might be bad. My little brother might just not really be… I know he has close friends who are queer and trans, but maybe I assumed to much about his real feelings when I vented about our other brother and our mom’s casual homophobia. I didn’t even say that word. I just said they were all very much not being allies and doing so loudly and I wanted to escape. But maybe that was too much. I know my friends that I vented to have their own family dynamics, it’s why I talked to them, they’re both queer with conservative families and would get it. I wish I had asked, but everyone is always saying to open up more and I’ve been trying and now that habit is hard to pull back on in the moment.
How do people do that? Have such good control of their emotions that they can make a choice in the moment to not close off but also not to just share immediately? And if I can’t, is just closing off the better choice? I don’t want to burden people and now that I’m slightly removed from the moment, I can see that’s what I did. But then those same people say to open up and let people be there for me. Maybe it’s fine and they’re busy but it’s been long enough and they’re both phone addicts (no judgment, most of us are) so I’m guessing this was too much. Maybe this is one of those autistic moments where I’m just supposed to know that when people say to share more, they don’t really mean it?
And while I’m worried about if my poor emotional control has ruined 3 relationships, I’ve been ignoring that my ceiling caved in. The cat sitter let me know yesterday and I did call maintenance, but they said it wasn’t a big deal or a concern really, just a thing that happens. That’s obviously bs, but what can I do? I don’t even know what I’d do if I were home. I feel so helpless. The cat sitter let me know more of the ceiling came down and that one of the cats peed on the floor. They’ve never done that. I don’t even know if they did or if it’s from the ceiling. I don’t know anything except that my home is not a great space for them, they’re anxious because I’m gone and because parts of the ceiling keep falling down. And no one in maintenance is doing anything about the ceiling. And unless I really break and just move my flight up and go home, which comes with a whole other set of problems, I can’t be there to make them feel better.
And when I decided to stop sitting in a stupor staring at my phone freaking out about the latest apartment/cat update, I went into the bathroom to see that my mom’s dog got into the trash. I had my period so there were tampons and liners in there and the dog definitely ate some of the plastic applicators as well as the cotton stuff. She just said, “oh well he’ll have to poop it out, nothing we can do now”. No vets will be called. So, I may have just killed a very nice dog.
I guess I’ll see my little brother and one of the friends I’m worried about over sharing with in a few days. Unless I totally fucked up in a bigger way than I know. So hopefully even if I did fuck up a little we can talk about it and be okay, but who knows.
I know I will survive this. But I can’t even send my therapist an honest message to ask for advice or anything because the honest truth is… I don’t entirely want to in this moment. And despite what everyone says about opening up, I can’t about this. If I tell my therapist, she has legal and professional obligations. I’ve already talked too much to friends and I know the issue I’m worried about is that I should have asked if they had space first, but how do you ask someone if they have space for this? Because asking is telling in that case. (“do you have space for me to talk about feeling like maybe being alive is not the best choice?” kind of gives the heaviest part away) And god forbid my mom knows how I feel, she’d probably just cut me out of her life again for the... fourth? fifth? time. So, I’m crying silently.
Actually I forced myself to stop crying and hide the tissues because it’s almost her bed time and she might come over here to say goodnight or whatever. I don’t know that I’ve been able to hide everything well enough all day. I was really not okay during lunch after everyone was just so casually homophobic….
She did come in just now. I’m really proud of me. I forced myself to make eye contact and smile and even laughed at a thing about pillows. All very good masking. She doesn’t need to know I’m autistic so even though I’m already struggling, I need to get better about masking. I didn’t make eye contact much at all during lunch. Strangely enough I think the only person other than my little sister I’ve been normal pleasant (not forced strained fake pleasant) is my mom’s husband. I’m not going to get into why it’s weird but it’s to do with my childhood and trauma, so ya know, not my favorite dude overall. But I have to mask better or all the shoving down the pain to avoid conflict will have been useless. Last time I saw my mom, before I even knew I was autistic, I said something that must have triggered that thought for her because she literally yelled “you’re not autistic!”. I didn’t even suspect I was at the time, so it really felt quite weird. Now I get it. But at the time it was very bizarre.
When I started typing this, I just wanted to vent to no one, but I realized I actually could use some advice. Especially on how other people handle the part where they share in a better, healthier way. I just can’t seem to find any middle ground. It’s like either I word vomit in the moment, or I go numb and can’t stand to talk about it at all after. So in the hopes that random internet strangers might be willing to read my rant and offer that advice, I’m going to make a reddit account and post this. If you are reading this, thank you for listening and sorry it was so poorly written. Also sorry if I did anything wrong in the posting of this, it's my first time posting something and fucking shit up seems like my main skill today.
submitted by NoDiamond2638 to offmychest [link] [comments]
I vented earlier, but now I think that was a mistake. Three of the people didn’t respond so idk if I upset people. But I can see now how sharing my immediate experience without asking if that was okay or if people had space might be bad. My little brother might just not really be… I know he has close friends who are queer and trans, but maybe I assumed to much about his real feelings when I vented about our other brother and our mom’s casual homophobia. I didn’t even say that word. I just said they were all very much not being allies and doing so loudly and I wanted to escape. But maybe that was too much. I know my friends that I vented to have their own family dynamics, it’s why I talked to them, they’re both queer with conservative families and would get it. I wish I had asked, but everyone is always saying to open up more and I’ve been trying and now that habit is hard to pull back on in the moment.
How do people do that? Have such good control of their emotions that they can make a choice in the moment to not close off but also not to just share immediately? And if I can’t, is just closing off the better choice? I don’t want to burden people and now that I’m slightly removed from the moment, I can see that’s what I did. But then those same people say to open up and let people be there for me. Maybe it’s fine and they’re busy but it’s been long enough and they’re both phone addicts (no judgment, most of us are) so I’m guessing this was too much. Maybe this is one of those autistic moments where I’m just supposed to know that when people say to share more, they don’t really mean it?
And while I’m worried about if my poor emotional control has ruined 3 relationships, I’ve been ignoring that my ceiling caved in. The cat sitter let me know yesterday and I did call maintenance, but they said it wasn’t a big deal or a concern really, just a thing that happens. That’s obviously bs, but what can I do? I don’t even know what I’d do if I were home. I feel so helpless. The cat sitter let me know more of the ceiling came down and that one of the cats peed on the floor. They’ve never done that. I don’t even know if they did or if it’s from the ceiling. I don’t know anything except that my home is not a great space for them, they’re anxious because I’m gone and because parts of the ceiling keep falling down. And no one in maintenance is doing anything about the ceiling. And unless I really break and just move my flight up and go home, which comes with a whole other set of problems, I can’t be there to make them feel better.
And when I decided to stop sitting in a stupor staring at my phone freaking out about the latest apartment/cat update, I went into the bathroom to see that my mom’s dog got into the trash. I had my period so there were tampons and liners in there and the dog definitely ate some of the plastic applicators as well as the cotton stuff. She just said, “oh well he’ll have to poop it out, nothing we can do now”. No vets will be called. So, I may have just killed a very nice dog.
I guess I’ll see my little brother and one of the friends I’m worried about over sharing with in a few days. Unless I totally fucked up in a bigger way than I know. So hopefully even if I did fuck up a little we can talk about it and be okay, but who knows.
I know I will survive this. But I can’t even send my therapist an honest message to ask for advice or anything because the honest truth is… I don’t entirely want to in this moment. And despite what everyone says about opening up, I can’t about this. If I tell my therapist, she has legal and professional obligations. I’ve already talked too much to friends and I know the issue I’m worried about is that I should have asked if they had space first, but how do you ask someone if they have space for this? Because asking is telling in that case. (“do you have space for me to talk about feeling like maybe being alive is not the best choice?” kind of gives the heaviest part away) And god forbid my mom knows how I feel, she’d probably just cut me out of her life again for the... fourth? fifth? time. So, I’m crying silently.
Actually I forced myself to stop crying and hide the tissues because it’s almost her bed time and she might come over here to say goodnight or whatever. I don’t know that I’ve been able to hide everything well enough all day. I was really not okay during lunch after everyone was just so casually homophobic….
She did come in just now. I’m really proud of me. I forced myself to make eye contact and smile and even laughed at a thing about pillows. All very good masking. She doesn’t need to know I’m autistic so even though I’m already struggling, I need to get better about masking. I didn’t make eye contact much at all during lunch. Strangely enough I think the only person other than my little sister I’ve been normal pleasant (not forced strained fake pleasant) is my mom’s husband. I’m not going to get into why it’s weird but it’s to do with my childhood and trauma, so ya know, not my favorite dude overall. But I have to mask better or all the shoving down the pain to avoid conflict will have been useless. Last time I saw my mom, before I even knew I was autistic, I said something that must have triggered that thought for her because she literally yelled “you’re not autistic!”. I didn’t even suspect I was at the time, so it really felt quite weird. Now I get it. But at the time it was very bizarre.
When I started typing this, I just wanted to vent to no one, but I realized I actually could use some advice. Especially on how other people handle the part where they share in a better, healthier way. I just can’t seem to find any middle ground. It’s like either I word vomit in the moment, or I go numb and can’t stand to talk about it at all after. So in the hopes that random internet strangers might be willing to read my rant and offer that advice, I’m going to make a reddit account and post this. If you are reading this, thank you for listening and sorry it was so poorly written. Also sorry if I did anything wrong in the posting of this, it's my first time posting something and fucking shit up seems like my main skill today.
2024.05.20 04:49 Th0thvnt3r Please help abs issues 07 Jetta 2.5
So I'm working on a buddy's car 07 Volkswagen Jetta 2.5 I'm a part time.BMW technician but I do mobile mechanic work on the side I don't see a lot of Volkswagen trade ins at the dealership I work at so I haven't worked on many, anyway he just had his wheel bearings and CVS changed on both sides in the front as well as new pads and rotors all around. (Not by me) But afterwards he was having a loud rhythmic sound (happens constantly while in motion speed increases so does the speed of the noise) coming from front right as well as abs light and traction control lights on. I scanned it got a code for front right wheel speed sensor so he bought both fronts and I installed those and cleared the codes. The lights come.back on almost instantly when I start to drive and the squeak sound (to me sounded like something scraping the rotor) is still happening, last night I pulled the wheel back off took off the brake caliper, pads, rotor, the plate behind the rotor and even took the axle nut off and pushed the CV back through the hub to see if anything was out of place . The wheel bearing seemed to spin as it should (I think as I had nothing to compare it to) but on the back side there was A LOT of this blackish grease like substance but it had a ton of metallic flakes in it and it didn't seem like it was antiseaze and also if I grabbed the part of the hub that the lugs screw into it had a small amount of play and could be wiggled back and forth ever so slightly but everything was tight I applied a bunch of grease in the inside of that area after clearing away all of the strange substance with the metallic flakes in it and re asebled and torqued to spec. I didn't have my triple square soockets with me so I couldn't pulled the bearing back out to examine that. But after re assembly the grinding noise from before was kinda gone but the rhythmic squeaking that seems to get louder when hitting the brakes was not any better and the abs and traction control lights come right back on after the codes are cleared. As far as I know all his parts were purchased on Amazon 😪🤦 and I'm unsure of who installed the bearings or new CVS for him. Is there something I'm missing? Is it possible he got the wrong parts is there a special CV or something that is causing the wheel speed sensor code ? I read something that stated there were little holes or indents in the side of the CV the goes into the bearing the the sensor is supposed to read to determine the speed but there are definitely no indents or holes I saw, however both sides were done at the same time and both CVS were purchased together so I'm unsure why it would only give a code and problem symptoms on one side. As I said I haven't worked on many Volkswagens is there anything that could have been damaged or forgotten when putting the wheel bearing on that side? Could that cause these symptoms. The wire and sensor are both fine sensor is new and I traced the wire and made sure there were no breaks or damage anywhere and can confirm those are not the problem. Any help or direction would be much appreciated.. I didn't have my phone when working so I don't have pictures of the substance or video of the small amount of play/wiggle in the bearing unfortunately..
submitted by Th0thvnt3r to MechanicAdvice [link] [comments]
2024.05.20 04:42 GloriousKermit 22 [M4F] California - Am I the only one who wants love but is afraid of it at the same time?
I've only been in 2 relationships in my life, with a few attempts to find love in between. If those things have gone anywhere, I wouldn't be sitting here to write this of course. I've been hurt, betrayed, and used to the point where I no longer felt like I was meant to belong to someone, and I spent a lot of time wondering if something is fundamentally wrong with me. Am I the only one feeling this way?
After my last relationship, I decided to spend some time on my own, focusing on myself and the people around me, and getting myself to a better place. I joined the company of my dreams and quickly got a promotion, I got a new place for me and my cat to stay in, and I gave myself the freedom to go and do whatever I want. Yet, I still feel so empty when surrounded by people, and I don't have someone that I can share those wonderful milestones and exciting adventures with. I want to provide and be depended on, and yet, have someone that I can confide in and be vulnerable with my deepest thoughts and feelings. I've gotten myself to a point where I'm ready to put myself back out there, and be the best partner I can be with the lessons I've learned, and that's why I'm putting this out there for you to see, hoping that you'd reach out if it speaks to you.
I'm 22 years-old, Asian, and am an INFJ. I'm currently living and working in SoCal. I grew up in Seattle and drove myself down here for a job 3 years ago, and I never left (I will eventually tho cause I hate the traffic here). I have a wide range of interests, from video games, horror, true crimes, and cooking, to exploring new places, attending concerts, and going on spontaneous trips when I have the time to do so. Despite my 6'0 frame, I am still a nerdy introvert at heart, so you can still find me at home watching shows and documentaries, or building Lego cars at home with my cat (I got her from a shelter but she unexpectedly passed away recently).
In terms of video games, you'd find me on Overwatch, Valorant, Fortnite (no builds only!), or League, but I also dabble in a bunch of horror and co-op games, so having a designated Player 2 would be so fun! I'm open to try anything and my Steam library always has room for more games.
Beyond those things, I'm an adventurous soul who loves trying out new restaurants, going on sightseeing trips, and watch my favorite artists at concerts. I'd find myself a few hours away from home on a whim, just because I had seen a cool place online the night before, so I'd definitely love someone who can be my DJ and companion on these trips, and make new memories with me on these adventures.
I'm more than happy to send pictures of myself once we start talking. My only ask is for you to be between 18-25 and be from the US or Canada, and we'll go from there!
submitted by GloriousKermit to ForeverAloneDating [link] [comments]
After my last relationship, I decided to spend some time on my own, focusing on myself and the people around me, and getting myself to a better place. I joined the company of my dreams and quickly got a promotion, I got a new place for me and my cat to stay in, and I gave myself the freedom to go and do whatever I want. Yet, I still feel so empty when surrounded by people, and I don't have someone that I can share those wonderful milestones and exciting adventures with. I want to provide and be depended on, and yet, have someone that I can confide in and be vulnerable with my deepest thoughts and feelings. I've gotten myself to a point where I'm ready to put myself back out there, and be the best partner I can be with the lessons I've learned, and that's why I'm putting this out there for you to see, hoping that you'd reach out if it speaks to you.
I'm 22 years-old, Asian, and am an INFJ. I'm currently living and working in SoCal. I grew up in Seattle and drove myself down here for a job 3 years ago, and I never left (I will eventually tho cause I hate the traffic here). I have a wide range of interests, from video games, horror, true crimes, and cooking, to exploring new places, attending concerts, and going on spontaneous trips when I have the time to do so. Despite my 6'0 frame, I am still a nerdy introvert at heart, so you can still find me at home watching shows and documentaries, or building Lego cars at home with my cat (I got her from a shelter but she unexpectedly passed away recently).
In terms of video games, you'd find me on Overwatch, Valorant, Fortnite (no builds only!), or League, but I also dabble in a bunch of horror and co-op games, so having a designated Player 2 would be so fun! I'm open to try anything and my Steam library always has room for more games.
Beyond those things, I'm an adventurous soul who loves trying out new restaurants, going on sightseeing trips, and watch my favorite artists at concerts. I'd find myself a few hours away from home on a whim, just because I had seen a cool place online the night before, so I'd definitely love someone who can be my DJ and companion on these trips, and make new memories with me on these adventures.
I'm more than happy to send pictures of myself once we start talking. My only ask is for you to be between 18-25 and be from the US or Canada, and we'll go from there!
2024.05.20 04:41 GloriousKermit 22 [M4F] California - Am I the only one who wants love but is afraid of it at the same time?
I've only been in 2 relationships in my life, with a few attempts to find love in between. If those things have gone anywhere, I wouldn't be sitting here to write this of course. I've been hurt, betrayed, and used to the point where I no longer felt like I was meant to belong to someone, and I spent a lot of time wondering if something is fundamentally wrong with me. Am I the only one feeling this way?
After my last relationship, I decided to spend some time on my own, focusing on myself and the people around me, and getting myself to a better place. I joined the company of my dreams and quickly got a promotion, I got a new place for me and my cat to stay in, and I gave myself the freedom to go and do whatever I want. Yet, I still feel so empty when surrounded by people, and I don't have someone that I can share those wonderful milestones and exciting adventures with. I want to provide and be depended on, and yet, have someone that I can confide in and be vulnerable with my deepest thoughts and feelings. I've gotten myself to a point where I'm ready to put myself back out there, and be the best partner I can be with the lessons I've learned, and that's why I'm putting this out there for you to see, hoping that you'd reach out if it speaks to you.
I'm 22 years-old, Asian, and am an INFJ. I'm currently living and working in SoCal. I grew up in Seattle and drove myself down here for a job 3 years ago, and I never left (I will eventually tho cause I hate the traffic here). I have a wide range of interests, from video games, horror, true crimes, and cooking, to exploring new places, attending concerts, and going on spontaneous trips when I have the time to do so. Despite my 6'0 frame, I am still a nerdy introvert at heart, so you can still find me at home watching shows and documentaries, or building Lego cars at home with my cat (I got her from a shelter but she unexpectedly passed away recently).
In terms of video games, you'd find me on Overwatch, Valorant, Fortnite (no builds only!), or League, but I also dabble in a bunch of horror and co-op games, so having a designated Player 2 would be so fun! I'm open to try anything and my Steam library always has room for more games.
Beyond those things, I'm an adventurous soul who loves trying out new restaurants, going on sightseeing trips, and watch my favorite artists at concerts. I'd find myself a few hours away from home on a whim, just because I had seen a cool place online the night before, so I'd definitely love someone who can be my DJ and companion on these trips, and make new memories with me on these adventures.
I'm more than happy to send pictures of myself once we start talking. My only ask is for you to be between 18-25 and be from the US or Canada, and we'll go from there!
submitted by GloriousKermit to r4r [link] [comments]
After my last relationship, I decided to spend some time on my own, focusing on myself and the people around me, and getting myself to a better place. I joined the company of my dreams and quickly got a promotion, I got a new place for me and my cat to stay in, and I gave myself the freedom to go and do whatever I want. Yet, I still feel so empty when surrounded by people, and I don't have someone that I can share those wonderful milestones and exciting adventures with. I want to provide and be depended on, and yet, have someone that I can confide in and be vulnerable with my deepest thoughts and feelings. I've gotten myself to a point where I'm ready to put myself back out there, and be the best partner I can be with the lessons I've learned, and that's why I'm putting this out there for you to see, hoping that you'd reach out if it speaks to you.
I'm 22 years-old, Asian, and am an INFJ. I'm currently living and working in SoCal. I grew up in Seattle and drove myself down here for a job 3 years ago, and I never left (I will eventually tho cause I hate the traffic here). I have a wide range of interests, from video games, horror, true crimes, and cooking, to exploring new places, attending concerts, and going on spontaneous trips when I have the time to do so. Despite my 6'0 frame, I am still a nerdy introvert at heart, so you can still find me at home watching shows and documentaries, or building Lego cars at home with my cat (I got her from a shelter but she unexpectedly passed away recently).
In terms of video games, you'd find me on Overwatch, Valorant, Fortnite (no builds only!), or League, but I also dabble in a bunch of horror and co-op games, so having a designated Player 2 would be so fun! I'm open to try anything and my Steam library always has room for more games.
Beyond those things, I'm an adventurous soul who loves trying out new restaurants, going on sightseeing trips, and watch my favorite artists at concerts. I'd find myself a few hours away from home on a whim, just because I had seen a cool place online the night before, so I'd definitely love someone who can be my DJ and companion on these trips, and make new memories with me on these adventures.
I'm more than happy to send pictures of myself once we start talking. My only ask is for you to be between 18-25 and be from the US or Canada, and we'll go from there!
2024.05.20 04:27 lostlife27 This is the second time I see the number 666 and hear evil stuff in my head.
Last time I heard Spanish which Google translate revealed to be “god of death” or “devil of death” and then IMMEDIATELY AFTER that I discovered my Reddit karma at the time was 666.
Well today I made a purchase/transaction that turned out to be a total of $6.66, and a few hours later I start hearing “Jesus D-it” in my head. Not GD-it, Jesus D-it.
I’ve also been experiencing A TON of psychological hell, really for years, but it got SUDDENLY MORE SEVERE 7 months ago.
I’m talking vivid nightmares, worse intrusive thoughts, more demonic images in my head (while wide awake) worse and stronger urges to do, evil things. Derealization is pretty much gone, I don’t feel stuck in a dream anymore, but still depersonalization, like I feel like other personalities and moods, evil, sometimes suddenly really positive and optimistic.
Maybe it is God trying to get my attention, maybe it is demonic oppression, and they have tried to possess and control me (which hasn’t actually happened since I was 13, I’m 28 now. I know most people won’t believe this, or just think it was psychosis or something, even though calling out to God literally made it stop. I was literally being controlled against my will. The most vulnerable time for this to be happening is while being asleep (not sleep paralysis, full on up and moving around).
I don’t want to submit to God and commit to celibacy and just submitting to a higher powebeings plan for me, but I literally feel like I’m losing my freewill and self control, I am literally losing control of my mind, like demons have already taking over my mind, and they’ve made more efforts to take control of my body. Praying literally stopped/prevented one of these attempted possessions, but I’ve still never felt God/Jesus Christ/The Holy Spirit’s presence as I’ve felt the evil spirits presence.
The nightmares have been so vivid and clear and realistic, it’s hard to accept them as “just dreams”, especially some of the beings I’ve seen in them.
I used to want to intentionally defy God because I believed that He created me solely to torture me and watch me suffer. Now I’m not so sure.
When I was 13 I literally woke up, and my legs just started running (I was NOT in control of anything, I didn’t even THINK about these things before they happened, it WASN’T ME) and into the wall. Then I ran to my mom and told her something was wrong, and then I started BARKING, and smiling about it (like the supposed demon thought it was funny) and then I screamed in terror, realizing I was being controlled against my will. I even screamed “OH MY GOSH!!!!!” Because I was terrified that saying “OH MY GOD!!!” was blasphemy and would only give the seemingly demon(s) possessing me even more power, and make God less willing to help me, I guess?
I was swinging my arms around, making animal noises, and I felt like I was trapped between a dream and being awake/real life.
I desperately looked up and called out to God “GOD! PLEASE HELP! I CAN’T WAKE UP! PLEASE WAKE ME UP GOD!!!!” Seemingly seconds later, it just stopped. It literally FELT LIKE waking up from a dream, but I was indeed physically awake the entire time.
Weirdly it was like the COMPLETE OPPOSITE of sleep paralysis (something I’ve surprisingly never actually experienced) and I had never experienced anything like that before, it just seemed to happen out of nowhere (I had a lot of stress from school but come on, this seems to be pretty much unheard of, even among people who do actually believe in demonic possession).
My family is Christian and believes in God and Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit, but they still insist it was my medication at the time causing psychosis and/or panic attacks or something.
But what is happening to me now, if that really was just a medication side effect/adverse reaction???
I just want to be normal. I don’t want to be evil and a psychopath or any of that evil stuff. But my thoughts are so disturbing and twisted and evil.
I’m 28 years old, I should be doing so much better in life, not working as a grocery bagger living with my parents.
I feel like I’m just controlled by greater forces, and my own identity is getting corrupted and warped, it’s hard to even really explain it.
Like my mind is just an unheard of OS (operating system). I recognize some of my own thought processes, but it’s impossible to actually explain and anybody understand it.
Was I just hurt so much I want to hurt others now? What is wrong with me?
Christians, do you think the devil and demons are actually attacking me?
Today when I got the $6.66 total, and later heard “Jesus D-it” in my head, before I even went to my job, I got PERMANENTLY banned from Christian for saying that people might regret remaining celibate indefinitely (or until “God sends them someone”).
Are these all signs? Signs from the enemy? Warnings from God?
What could possibly be wrong with me??? Over medicated possibly cause anything like this? I’ve been on multiple psych drugs for most of my life.
I rely on the health insurance from my crappy job to afford my meds, because I got kicked off my parents when I turned 26 (US law).
I live in a red state, so it’d be quite challenging to get any medical aid if I lost my job and/or my health insurance.
I keep feeling my mood and personality change, what is this????
I can’t control my actions when I’m asleep, that’s when they really attack, and make me wake up screaming as loud and long as I possibly can. It scares the hell out of my family.
If I lived in an apartment my neighbors would probably be calling the police on me a lot, I might even get evicted for the noise disturbances.
Why did God even have to create me in the first place???
submitted by lostlife27 to self [link] [comments]
Well today I made a purchase/transaction that turned out to be a total of $6.66, and a few hours later I start hearing “Jesus D-it” in my head. Not GD-it, Jesus D-it.
I’ve also been experiencing A TON of psychological hell, really for years, but it got SUDDENLY MORE SEVERE 7 months ago.
I’m talking vivid nightmares, worse intrusive thoughts, more demonic images in my head (while wide awake) worse and stronger urges to do, evil things. Derealization is pretty much gone, I don’t feel stuck in a dream anymore, but still depersonalization, like I feel like other personalities and moods, evil, sometimes suddenly really positive and optimistic.
Maybe it is God trying to get my attention, maybe it is demonic oppression, and they have tried to possess and control me (which hasn’t actually happened since I was 13, I’m 28 now. I know most people won’t believe this, or just think it was psychosis or something, even though calling out to God literally made it stop. I was literally being controlled against my will. The most vulnerable time for this to be happening is while being asleep (not sleep paralysis, full on up and moving around).
I don’t want to submit to God and commit to celibacy and just submitting to a higher powebeings plan for me, but I literally feel like I’m losing my freewill and self control, I am literally losing control of my mind, like demons have already taking over my mind, and they’ve made more efforts to take control of my body. Praying literally stopped/prevented one of these attempted possessions, but I’ve still never felt God/Jesus Christ/The Holy Spirit’s presence as I’ve felt the evil spirits presence.
The nightmares have been so vivid and clear and realistic, it’s hard to accept them as “just dreams”, especially some of the beings I’ve seen in them.
I used to want to intentionally defy God because I believed that He created me solely to torture me and watch me suffer. Now I’m not so sure.
When I was 13 I literally woke up, and my legs just started running (I was NOT in control of anything, I didn’t even THINK about these things before they happened, it WASN’T ME) and into the wall. Then I ran to my mom and told her something was wrong, and then I started BARKING, and smiling about it (like the supposed demon thought it was funny) and then I screamed in terror, realizing I was being controlled against my will. I even screamed “OH MY GOSH!!!!!” Because I was terrified that saying “OH MY GOD!!!” was blasphemy and would only give the seemingly demon(s) possessing me even more power, and make God less willing to help me, I guess?
I was swinging my arms around, making animal noises, and I felt like I was trapped between a dream and being awake/real life.
I desperately looked up and called out to God “GOD! PLEASE HELP! I CAN’T WAKE UP! PLEASE WAKE ME UP GOD!!!!” Seemingly seconds later, it just stopped. It literally FELT LIKE waking up from a dream, but I was indeed physically awake the entire time.
Weirdly it was like the COMPLETE OPPOSITE of sleep paralysis (something I’ve surprisingly never actually experienced) and I had never experienced anything like that before, it just seemed to happen out of nowhere (I had a lot of stress from school but come on, this seems to be pretty much unheard of, even among people who do actually believe in demonic possession).
My family is Christian and believes in God and Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit, but they still insist it was my medication at the time causing psychosis and/or panic attacks or something.
But what is happening to me now, if that really was just a medication side effect/adverse reaction???
I just want to be normal. I don’t want to be evil and a psychopath or any of that evil stuff. But my thoughts are so disturbing and twisted and evil.
I’m 28 years old, I should be doing so much better in life, not working as a grocery bagger living with my parents.
I feel like I’m just controlled by greater forces, and my own identity is getting corrupted and warped, it’s hard to even really explain it.
Like my mind is just an unheard of OS (operating system). I recognize some of my own thought processes, but it’s impossible to actually explain and anybody understand it.
Was I just hurt so much I want to hurt others now? What is wrong with me?
Christians, do you think the devil and demons are actually attacking me?
Today when I got the $6.66 total, and later heard “Jesus D-it” in my head, before I even went to my job, I got PERMANENTLY banned from Christian for saying that people might regret remaining celibate indefinitely (or until “God sends them someone”).
Are these all signs? Signs from the enemy? Warnings from God?
What could possibly be wrong with me??? Over medicated possibly cause anything like this? I’ve been on multiple psych drugs for most of my life.
I rely on the health insurance from my crappy job to afford my meds, because I got kicked off my parents when I turned 26 (US law).
I live in a red state, so it’d be quite challenging to get any medical aid if I lost my job and/or my health insurance.
I keep feeling my mood and personality change, what is this????
I can’t control my actions when I’m asleep, that’s when they really attack, and make me wake up screaming as loud and long as I possibly can. It scares the hell out of my family.
If I lived in an apartment my neighbors would probably be calling the police on me a lot, I might even get evicted for the noise disturbances.
Why did God even have to create me in the first place???
2024.05.20 04:27 kelmeneh How to deal with situation where people malign your image behind your back?
This is my first time here. Situation I am describing is a very known situation at many households. But this is happening to me AGAIN and AGAIN.
So, I have an ailing Father in law, completely paralyzed with tracheostomy tube, feeding tube and a catheter, whom we are caregiving in a Tier 2 City since 5+ years, I work from home . I have suffered a missed miscarriage and had a D&E after that in September 2023 at around 12 weeks marks. SInce then we are trying and not had a success. My sister-in-law lives in same city so she comes to support the care. I am a secondary caregiver as I am the only one who is earning. My husband is on career break as the Staff is not permanent & load of caregiving is huge. My mother in law expired in 2020.
My sister in law since marriage was a person I always had doubts on. I make friends for life once I get to know them, but here even if the dynamic was weird, I gave her lots of benefit of doubt & she proved me wrong always. She and my MIL were best friends. They had never included me the way a daughter in law should have been included. So because of my mothe r in law, the home was always under her control. Whenever I used to come, I was being indirectly commented on our stuff lying here and there(we were not having any room, so obv it was to be taken in and out of bags), SIL used to say in a really really bad tone blabbering and going here and there " why do people bring stuff if they don't know how to place" the etc. in short I was never allowed to even touch or know things in house. It has to be done by my sister in law always. For smallest of things, she was always given preference. Please don't take me wrong, but I am from a home where we are 2 sisters and obv I was being trained to handle all the things so that I never ever become dependent. And here I am in a household, where I am being told, "you won't be able to do this" to everything I wanted to attempt. All what I had to do is cooking, which I didn't know much. Btw I was the only working lady that time.
Anyway I don't want to go to my MIL's drama because that was HORRIBLE and I thank God every day for relaxing me!
This is not the first time SIL has done maligning/ bitching, she has been involved to malign the image. It has never happened anywhere that people don't come to talk to me, because I generally listen to the problems and I am amicable! I have lived in Chennai, Mumbai, Pune, but it is only here that I couldn't foster any relationships with anyone! It always was a thought in me which I didn't know had a solid cause. I caught her tarnishing my image on camera (we kept it for FIL) blabbering things like : "She has eaten crab" (Kekde khati hai) which I haven't, I have had fish 2-3 times in my whole life, these guys are purely vegetarian, which I was as well, but I had just shared it with her as a thing! "She is putting pressure on my brother so that we have a fight, and now he came to beg sorry that I did a mistake"(Ary masi, ese hi koi nai karta, jab tak upar se pressure nai aata , and aaya tha maafi maangne fir, ki mujhe maaf kar do, ye to chahti hai ki humari ladai ho jaye and toot jaye relationship) (which I never ever do, I come from a joint family and such adjustments are inbuilt in my nature)
When my husband and herself caught covid, they were isolated, I was at my mother's place and rushed back to support them and fully supported them for 2 weeks managing my work alongwith. Later on during 3rd wave of covid, I had covid and I didn't even was asked for! I missed my parents a lot! She gave the most vile response in that conversation with her Masis. "She got Covid!, She got covid!, Now she will make sure to come to our father's room" (That had broken me that time) (Ab ho gaya usko!, ho gaya!, Ab to aur ayegi papa ke room me) (with an intention to kill him)(I have been dealing with a tough situation where it affected my marriage the most and I had to voice my needs to them as noone was paying any attention to my needs and I wanted to have a family of my own during that time. It was 2020-21, I was 33)
I was a scared bird, I was so so scared of confrontation previously that she exploited a lot out of me. Their home is in a place where people have never gone out of the city so the thoughts are so weird when they see me doing it! For example : employing a maid! Now Imagine ! Her masis are equally involved. When my mother in law was dead, and the rituals were happening, people flocked and populated our home. MIL had 5 sisters, all of them bombarded in the tiny home! and then one of them started saying, "We didn't even get tea! She gets up at 7!"
I am harmless creature, who has never picked up fights, She is argumentative and of a nature where she has to win always which is through talking. I avoid it. If I talk, by hook or crook she will manipulate so that things are in her favor and last sentence is hers. She even called my parents and said "aap logo ko thoda encourage jitna karte ho aur karna chahiye" without my knowledge , and they were speaking for me! and I was at a different city. That was my tipping point! I came back, ignored her for 3 days finally bursting on her. She argued that "are they nothing for me", I said you are not allowed to call without my knowledge, you have to go through ME!!
Coming to problem:
My sister in law just had a baby who is 6 months now. after my miscarriage! 2-3 days before, she left her phone at our place,and asked to forward a number from her mobile. My husband forwarded it and then sifted through her chats. He got into a chat with their cousin sister where my sister in law described me as
"I stopped you to go and made her (me) to go because she puts evil eye on my kid and my baby has stopped drinking milk, you are of pure heart, but not everyone is like that, we dont know what's going on in other's mind"
"Ary behna! Bura mat maniyo, wo nazar lagati hain HAMESHA, Ab bechari doodh bhi nai peeti dhang se, tera dil to saaf hai, lekin sabka nai hota"
I was aghasted by this chat comment. All I gave was a genuine love for the purest soul who is infront of us!
All I do is my job in the only room at this house. Previously I was so disturbed that I took psychologist's support! Can you believe it! SIL problems to psychologist!! And After she had a baby, she became better I thought so, so I forgave her and interacted, went to her home as well. Then I backtraced and found another incident where I could connect the dots:
I was deliberately asked to prepare tea while at her home, her masi were also there, and her masi said, Let me prepare the tea, and she said I want to have her from only her hands!! (While in kitchen I found it weird but I gave her space and didn't come out), Later in remembered that she was feeding her baby! HOW PATHETIC! I am so so hurt by such things happening around me! One of her masi, couldn't bear children and "her nazar" has been talk of town always, another masi she was seperate from all sisters and minded her own business, she has "money" according to all of them(which is for sure hard earned and they are jealous that she earned, kept up with sasural, she didn't give a f**k to such chalak sisters ) her nazar is considered "killing/deadly"! She has been a very kind person when I met ! So when I heard about them from SIL I couldn't believe she is saying all that about her own masi! and now when I heard something about me all I could think of is 20 years in future people will still not talk to me because I put nazar! I thought of confronting her husband as he is humble , talking to her is exhausting and I feel talking doesn't bring any conclusion. I thought of never going to their home, I don't know how feasible that is, so my action plan is to never handle her baby and comment on her like : "dont put your baby with me, she will get nazar" . Or if her husband asked why are you not coming, then I will reveal. But I don't know I am getting anxious, something has shifted inside me for good.
I know this is a difficult phase of my life and I am trying for pregnancy can't leave this place until his father's death. I had been away from family in past and that made me more depressed and abandoned as my husband is crazy for his father and he left everything for him! So I couldn't even ask him during all these years of my needs. He was faced by his mother's death and an ailing father so naturally he had a reaction. I had survived a very very difficult phase alone, we both had different journeys for past 4 years. God has been very kind that my job was there throughout to support my family!
Any suggestions on how to deal are appreciated.
submitted by kelmeneh to TwoXIndia [link] [comments]
So, I have an ailing Father in law, completely paralyzed with tracheostomy tube, feeding tube and a catheter, whom we are caregiving in a Tier 2 City since 5+ years, I work from home . I have suffered a missed miscarriage and had a D&E after that in September 2023 at around 12 weeks marks. SInce then we are trying and not had a success. My sister-in-law lives in same city so she comes to support the care. I am a secondary caregiver as I am the only one who is earning. My husband is on career break as the Staff is not permanent & load of caregiving is huge. My mother in law expired in 2020.
My sister in law since marriage was a person I always had doubts on. I make friends for life once I get to know them, but here even if the dynamic was weird, I gave her lots of benefit of doubt & she proved me wrong always. She and my MIL were best friends. They had never included me the way a daughter in law should have been included. So because of my mothe r in law, the home was always under her control. Whenever I used to come, I was being indirectly commented on our stuff lying here and there(we were not having any room, so obv it was to be taken in and out of bags), SIL used to say in a really really bad tone blabbering and going here and there " why do people bring stuff if they don't know how to place" the etc. in short I was never allowed to even touch or know things in house. It has to be done by my sister in law always. For smallest of things, she was always given preference. Please don't take me wrong, but I am from a home where we are 2 sisters and obv I was being trained to handle all the things so that I never ever become dependent. And here I am in a household, where I am being told, "you won't be able to do this" to everything I wanted to attempt. All what I had to do is cooking, which I didn't know much. Btw I was the only working lady that time.
Anyway I don't want to go to my MIL's drama because that was HORRIBLE and I thank God every day for relaxing me!
This is not the first time SIL has done maligning/ bitching, she has been involved to malign the image. It has never happened anywhere that people don't come to talk to me, because I generally listen to the problems and I am amicable! I have lived in Chennai, Mumbai, Pune, but it is only here that I couldn't foster any relationships with anyone! It always was a thought in me which I didn't know had a solid cause. I caught her tarnishing my image on camera (we kept it for FIL) blabbering things like : "She has eaten crab" (Kekde khati hai) which I haven't, I have had fish 2-3 times in my whole life, these guys are purely vegetarian, which I was as well, but I had just shared it with her as a thing! "She is putting pressure on my brother so that we have a fight, and now he came to beg sorry that I did a mistake"(Ary masi, ese hi koi nai karta, jab tak upar se pressure nai aata , and aaya tha maafi maangne fir, ki mujhe maaf kar do, ye to chahti hai ki humari ladai ho jaye and toot jaye relationship) (which I never ever do, I come from a joint family and such adjustments are inbuilt in my nature)
When my husband and herself caught covid, they were isolated, I was at my mother's place and rushed back to support them and fully supported them for 2 weeks managing my work alongwith. Later on during 3rd wave of covid, I had covid and I didn't even was asked for! I missed my parents a lot! She gave the most vile response in that conversation with her Masis. "She got Covid!, She got covid!, Now she will make sure to come to our father's room" (That had broken me that time) (Ab ho gaya usko!, ho gaya!, Ab to aur ayegi papa ke room me) (with an intention to kill him)(I have been dealing with a tough situation where it affected my marriage the most and I had to voice my needs to them as noone was paying any attention to my needs and I wanted to have a family of my own during that time. It was 2020-21, I was 33)
I was a scared bird, I was so so scared of confrontation previously that she exploited a lot out of me. Their home is in a place where people have never gone out of the city so the thoughts are so weird when they see me doing it! For example : employing a maid! Now Imagine ! Her masis are equally involved. When my mother in law was dead, and the rituals were happening, people flocked and populated our home. MIL had 5 sisters, all of them bombarded in the tiny home! and then one of them started saying, "We didn't even get tea! She gets up at 7!"
I am harmless creature, who has never picked up fights, She is argumentative and of a nature where she has to win always which is through talking. I avoid it. If I talk, by hook or crook she will manipulate so that things are in her favor and last sentence is hers. She even called my parents and said "aap logo ko thoda encourage jitna karte ho aur karna chahiye" without my knowledge , and they were speaking for me! and I was at a different city. That was my tipping point! I came back, ignored her for 3 days finally bursting on her. She argued that "are they nothing for me", I said you are not allowed to call without my knowledge, you have to go through ME!!
Coming to problem:
My sister in law just had a baby who is 6 months now. after my miscarriage! 2-3 days before, she left her phone at our place,and asked to forward a number from her mobile. My husband forwarded it and then sifted through her chats. He got into a chat with their cousin sister where my sister in law described me as
"I stopped you to go and made her (me) to go because she puts evil eye on my kid and my baby has stopped drinking milk, you are of pure heart, but not everyone is like that, we dont know what's going on in other's mind"
"Ary behna! Bura mat maniyo, wo nazar lagati hain HAMESHA, Ab bechari doodh bhi nai peeti dhang se, tera dil to saaf hai, lekin sabka nai hota"
I was aghasted by this chat comment. All I gave was a genuine love for the purest soul who is infront of us!
All I do is my job in the only room at this house. Previously I was so disturbed that I took psychologist's support! Can you believe it! SIL problems to psychologist!! And After she had a baby, she became better I thought so, so I forgave her and interacted, went to her home as well. Then I backtraced and found another incident where I could connect the dots:
I was deliberately asked to prepare tea while at her home, her masi were also there, and her masi said, Let me prepare the tea, and she said I want to have her from only her hands!! (While in kitchen I found it weird but I gave her space and didn't come out), Later in remembered that she was feeding her baby! HOW PATHETIC! I am so so hurt by such things happening around me! One of her masi, couldn't bear children and "her nazar" has been talk of town always, another masi she was seperate from all sisters and minded her own business, she has "money" according to all of them(which is for sure hard earned and they are jealous that she earned, kept up with sasural, she didn't give a f**k to such chalak sisters ) her nazar is considered "killing/deadly"! She has been a very kind person when I met ! So when I heard about them from SIL I couldn't believe she is saying all that about her own masi! and now when I heard something about me all I could think of is 20 years in future people will still not talk to me because I put nazar! I thought of confronting her husband as he is humble , talking to her is exhausting and I feel talking doesn't bring any conclusion. I thought of never going to their home, I don't know how feasible that is, so my action plan is to never handle her baby and comment on her like : "dont put your baby with me, she will get nazar" . Or if her husband asked why are you not coming, then I will reveal. But I don't know I am getting anxious, something has shifted inside me for good.
I know this is a difficult phase of my life and I am trying for pregnancy can't leave this place until his father's death. I had been away from family in past and that made me more depressed and abandoned as my husband is crazy for his father and he left everything for him! So I couldn't even ask him during all these years of my needs. He was faced by his mother's death and an ailing father so naturally he had a reaction. I had survived a very very difficult phase alone, we both had different journeys for past 4 years. God has been very kind that my job was there throughout to support my family!
Any suggestions on how to deal are appreciated.
2024.05.20 04:22 arcadiansnail King Günter of Snailalot
 | Rest in Peace my Golden Günter 🩵🌈 submitted by arcadiansnail to snails [link] [comments] We found Günter on the side of the house next to our back door when we got home from work on June 8th 2023. He had clearly been pecked by a bird earlier in the day so he was injured and he was the most beautiful golden color unlike any garden snail I had ever seen in the wild before. At first my husband said we should leave the snail be because we already had two tanks at the time... so we went inside, but I couldn't stop thinking about him. The second my husband got in the shower I grabbed my little quarantine tank and by the time my husband got out of the shower I had the new snail settled in next to our other tanks. He didn't notice at first but he saw me looking slightly mischievous and I simply said "he lives here now." My husband laughed and said "of course he does" with a smile. Later that night we were on the phone with my mom brainstorming names and we decided that Günter was the most fitting name for him given what he had been through because it means battle warrior. Over time he took on many nicknames such as "King Günter", "Günter the Gold", "Golden Boy" and eventually we decided that his full name was "King Günter the Gold of Snailalot" and we said goodnight to him and all of Snailalot every night ever since. Günter's golden shell developed some battle wounds as he healed from his injury... His mantle prolapsed from the trauma but he coated it in calcium so it became hard and strong. It looked a little odd but it just made his name even more fitting. In the last month or two I had noticed that Günter was less active, moving a bit slower, and he seemed to be having trouble maintaining a strong enough hold so he fell a few times. Knowing he was probably already pretty old when we found him, I had a feeling that we might not have much time left with him... Yesterday I noticed that he seemed to be in a weird position and by the end of the day he hadn't moved at all. So I pulled him out to check on him and I suspected he had already passed or was very near to it so just to be sure I placed him on a plastic flower in the tank and waited to see if maybe I was wrong but by this evening after work it was clear that he was gone. 😔 We wrapped him in a paper towel and buried him under a tree in the yard. We are moving soon but since we found him here it seemed right to lay him to rest in the same place he came from. I placed a rock on top of his resting place that was a very similar color to his golden shell to mark the spot. To many people I am sure it would seem absolutely ridiculous to be crying over a garden snail, but I feel like this community will understand... Günter may have been unusual and small compared to most typical pets but he was very special to me, all of my shellchildren are. I will miss seeing him cruising around the tank with all of his adopted siblings and snacking on bee pollen in the food bowl and I will miss going on scavenger hunts looking for him every time he decided to vanish into the sphagnum moss for days which was so close to the color of his shell it was the perfect camouflage. I am so glad that I could give him nearly a year of extra time living the good life safe inside away from predators with all the food and comfort and love he deserved. Rest in Peace my sweet Golden Günter, King of Snailalot, we will never ever forget you. 🐌🧡🌈 Sorry for the mini-novel but if you have made it this far, thank you so much for reading Günter's story. I just wanted to share it with people who would understand and appreciate him the way we did. |
2024.05.20 04:12 Naganosupreme Crow Country- Beginning of the Game Recap and Review
Right off the bat, seeing a counter go down from 2024 to 1990 made me think there's some kind of flashback at play. Given the reverence the devs have for the past and the fact literal first second of the game is spent in 2024 (on a technicality), maybe we play across multiple characters and eras at some point? It could just be a nice visual gimmick telling the player the game takes place in 1990 but given the stellar reviews, Im expecting everything to have some kind of hidden purpose insttead of just being a gimmick.
And to follow up on that, Mara is very insistent she is Mara Forest and I better really remember that she is Mara Forest, Special Agent. Me thinks the lady dost insist too much! Given what I said before, I'm sure you know what Im already guessing about her identity.
First screen- a small, run down employee parking lot with an abandoned car covered in debris, some chain link around me and some trash bags sitting around. This screen gave me some time to figure out things, like I had no clue I could move the camera at first, thought it was like RE with tank controls and static images. A few screens later I'd look around while running down a straightaway and realize "Omg thats right, I can see this area in full 3D, it's not static. Oh cool look at the back of this thing! Oooo memos on the walls!" The notion I could look around for tons of info and puzzle? Loved it.
But Im getting ahead of myself. FIrst screen. Unlimited ammo in the trunk? You bet I started trying to shoot out car windows and objects. Nothing broke, I was sad. Welp, reload, lets go to the next screen. (There are some things to find here, so search around)
Ticket booth comment- lol.
I was asked if I want to pick stuff up and I quickly got the notion I should NOT pick up many items yet bc the ammo may be scarce, the car is loaded.
My assumption is I can keep reloading at the car early on to save ammo until the car gets compromised, then Ill be wanting all the ammo around the early areas of the park.
The moving mushrooms, staff memos and fog are all appropriately creepy as are the occasional spots of blood and an empty backpack. I skip the first area I can go into because I havent finished running all the way down this alley and I- oop, there's a guy. I had a small and a large med kit, you get the small one buddeh and you be grateful for it.
Later on I find out large med kits have antidotes and this guy also complains in my car about not feeling well. Uh oh. I think I was supposed to give him a large kit to stop him from monsterizing. I try shooting him through my window multiple times...Ok I tried shooting him in the dick when he was on the ground, too. Sue me, Im a 90s kid. BTW slight error, I hadnt aactually encountered any monsters yet but she tells the reporter she ran into a monster and it hurt her. I notice blood on her back, too. Now I DID step on a bear trap earlier so maybe having any damage triggers her to say that line? Or maybe she says it no matter what bc the devs assume I'd go forward and find trouble before heading all the way back to the car to check on this dude? Or did something happen to her before the game starts? Guess Ill find out.
I make note of the MULTITUDE of key holes, potential puzzles, codes on the floor, etc and finally encounter my first enemies in the hall. I get the distinct vibe they're reluctant to hurt me. If I put just a minor amount of distance, they stop chasing. Unless I shoot them, then they come after me. After I go down the hall, save at the fireplace and exit, I let one attack me. It's just a push and then he sounds kind of broken up about it as I lie there dead. The fact I could still spin the camera while dead had me excited there'd be something unique that'd happen but after a minute I restarted. At this point, my veteran survival horror game instincts were like "yea, just run around these dudes, dont waste ammo"
I found a few more nice areas like the excavation site and saw something about Roots being disturbed by the excavation company. Very shady. between that, gold in a trunk and a book about the gold rush, Im expecting greed gone horribly wrong, releasing something like in Ghosts of Mars. But why are there so many humans contaminated? I get the feeling the park was closed and no one was there. It doesn't sound like there was a horrible publicized accident. Maybe they're the excavators? Doubt it. And then I find a mega skeleton man. By luck I got him stuck on a metal pipe near the crow, so I could pick easy close range headshots. Stilllll took forever, tons of wasted ammo. And he was super easy to avoid AND he dropped nothing. At that point I decided to restart, avoid grabbing most items and ammo and go from there.
Throughout, there is a great atmosphere of claustrophobic tension. Nothing revolutionary, about the vibe, just a great, well done vibe, exactly what it needs to be. Gameplay-wise, some real good QOL enhancements like full 3D camera movement and the ability to move my aim up down, left right, diagonal, etc? Great. Found some environmental stuff to shoot eventually, INCLUDIING key puzzle spots. Missed my PS1 aesthetics.
Im dying to uncover the mystery of whats going on, why fake Mara...I mean Mara is here, why she's dying to meet Mr. Crow, what this monster outbreak is, etc.
Life gets in the way so Idk if Ill continue these write ups but I figured fans of the game might enjoy reading a breakdown and recap from the perspective of fresh eyes.
Peace!
submitted by Naganosupreme to CrowCountry [link] [comments]
And to follow up on that, Mara is very insistent she is Mara Forest and I better really remember that she is Mara Forest, Special Agent. Me thinks the lady dost insist too much! Given what I said before, I'm sure you know what Im already guessing about her identity.
First screen- a small, run down employee parking lot with an abandoned car covered in debris, some chain link around me and some trash bags sitting around. This screen gave me some time to figure out things, like I had no clue I could move the camera at first, thought it was like RE with tank controls and static images. A few screens later I'd look around while running down a straightaway and realize "Omg thats right, I can see this area in full 3D, it's not static. Oh cool look at the back of this thing! Oooo memos on the walls!" The notion I could look around for tons of info and puzzle? Loved it.
But Im getting ahead of myself. FIrst screen. Unlimited ammo in the trunk? You bet I started trying to shoot out car windows and objects. Nothing broke, I was sad. Welp, reload, lets go to the next screen. (There are some things to find here, so search around)
Ticket booth comment- lol.
I was asked if I want to pick stuff up and I quickly got the notion I should NOT pick up many items yet bc the ammo may be scarce, the car is loaded.
My assumption is I can keep reloading at the car early on to save ammo until the car gets compromised, then Ill be wanting all the ammo around the early areas of the park.
The moving mushrooms, staff memos and fog are all appropriately creepy as are the occasional spots of blood and an empty backpack. I skip the first area I can go into because I havent finished running all the way down this alley and I- oop, there's a guy. I had a small and a large med kit, you get the small one buddeh and you be grateful for it.
Later on I find out large med kits have antidotes and this guy also complains in my car about not feeling well. Uh oh. I think I was supposed to give him a large kit to stop him from monsterizing. I try shooting him through my window multiple times...Ok I tried shooting him in the dick when he was on the ground, too. Sue me, Im a 90s kid. BTW slight error, I hadnt aactually encountered any monsters yet but she tells the reporter she ran into a monster and it hurt her. I notice blood on her back, too. Now I DID step on a bear trap earlier so maybe having any damage triggers her to say that line? Or maybe she says it no matter what bc the devs assume I'd go forward and find trouble before heading all the way back to the car to check on this dude? Or did something happen to her before the game starts? Guess Ill find out.
I make note of the MULTITUDE of key holes, potential puzzles, codes on the floor, etc and finally encounter my first enemies in the hall. I get the distinct vibe they're reluctant to hurt me. If I put just a minor amount of distance, they stop chasing. Unless I shoot them, then they come after me. After I go down the hall, save at the fireplace and exit, I let one attack me. It's just a push and then he sounds kind of broken up about it as I lie there dead. The fact I could still spin the camera while dead had me excited there'd be something unique that'd happen but after a minute I restarted. At this point, my veteran survival horror game instincts were like "yea, just run around these dudes, dont waste ammo"
I found a few more nice areas like the excavation site and saw something about Roots being disturbed by the excavation company. Very shady. between that, gold in a trunk and a book about the gold rush, Im expecting greed gone horribly wrong, releasing something like in Ghosts of Mars. But why are there so many humans contaminated? I get the feeling the park was closed and no one was there. It doesn't sound like there was a horrible publicized accident. Maybe they're the excavators? Doubt it. And then I find a mega skeleton man. By luck I got him stuck on a metal pipe near the crow, so I could pick easy close range headshots. Stilllll took forever, tons of wasted ammo. And he was super easy to avoid AND he dropped nothing. At that point I decided to restart, avoid grabbing most items and ammo and go from there.
Throughout, there is a great atmosphere of claustrophobic tension. Nothing revolutionary, about the vibe, just a great, well done vibe, exactly what it needs to be. Gameplay-wise, some real good QOL enhancements like full 3D camera movement and the ability to move my aim up down, left right, diagonal, etc? Great. Found some environmental stuff to shoot eventually, INCLUDIING key puzzle spots. Missed my PS1 aesthetics.
Im dying to uncover the mystery of whats going on, why fake Mara...I mean Mara is here, why she's dying to meet Mr. Crow, what this monster outbreak is, etc.
Life gets in the way so Idk if Ill continue these write ups but I figured fans of the game might enjoy reading a breakdown and recap from the perspective of fresh eyes.
Peace!
2024.05.20 04:06 Wild-Improvement-818 Would love advice on staying grounded while working with Lucifuge Rofocale and other Infernals, as well as a few other points/questions. <3
This may end up a little long, I feel like this seems like a good place where I can post my experiences and the community here seems kind, but the TL/DR of it is:
-How do y'all stay grounded in the mundane when working with entities that can be so intense?
-As of right now I've only been making offerings to Lucifuge Rofocale, I used the Dukante sigil once, which felt interesting, and I've been getting a lot of synchronicities in every day life.
-The connection has started off intense out the gate, but I am fighting a people pleasing nature and the ecstasy of feeling connected to my spiritual side again. From what I've reading about Lucifuge, he is demanding of those he works with in that he doesn't like his time wasted, and it's bringing up old fears of being good enough and worry about disappointing him/losing the connection. No one is really specific about what demanding means.
-I had told my boyfriend about Lucifuge the other night, and he had made some somewhat disrespectful joke about his name and a similarity to Lucifer's name, and when he was in the living room while I was in the bedroom a short while later, he was trying to clean his Mary Jane pipe by smacking it with a lighter (something he claims he had done before) and the side of the lighter blew out and made a huge bang. Yes, there was a mundane explanation for it, but the timing felt like a "I don't suffer abuse." I ended up apologizing for what my boyfriend said and so did he, and things seemed fine after that, but it was still a very intense moment.
-If any of you happen to have a history with PTSD and abuse, how do you let yourself be vulnerable with such a powerful spirit when old fears (and maybe old behaviors) keep cropping up?
~~~~~
Background info if y'all so desire, as well as other little points and maybe some questions thrown in:
I have been inclined toward witchcraft for about 20ish years since I was 11, started getting a bit more serious about it the last few years but not as serious as I would like. I had a negative experience in 2017 when I was working with Lilith (I was SAed by a man who I had considered a friend at the time) that sent me into a mental health crisis and I cut off my ties with Lilith poorly after that. The way I handled it sucked, I blamed the experience on her even though it was 100% the man's fault (obviously, looking back I was not well mentally for obvious reasons, but even still). I plan on giving her an apology offering soon, not so much to work with her again but because it feels right. Her energy was always wonderful, albeit a little intense, and I feel like I messed things up bad. But, I digress from my point.
After that whole thing, I never thought that I would end up drawn to Demonolatry until the last 6 months, really. I started researching Infernals for a personal project of mine and wanted to know more about them to make certain aspects of it more real, and I fell down a bit of a rabbit hole.
It feels like a whirlwind, but I got a message from Lucifer sometime at the end of 2023 through a reader that I've gone to before and it seemed really positive. Fast forward a little, I had seen Lucifuge Rofocale's sigil months ago and thought it was weird how it was the same that Mephistopheles uses, but then didn't think any more of it. That was the extent of that.
Maybe a month ago, I had been reached out to by Belial, but didn't feel inclined to work with him so nothing came of that.
This week on I wanna say Wednesday, I decided to contact Lucifuge Rofocale and Lucifer (because it felt right at the time), and the energy was *intense*. I had been getting some signs to do this, and it felt right at the time. There was an intense feeling of heat and some clairaudience involved. I had a really positive tarot reading as a means of divination, BUT I did pull the three of swords for working with Lucifuge, essentially that working with him might involve pain. I also got a reading from a reading who I regularly get readings from (who has been wildly accurate before), and he said something to a similar effect. He mentioned that Lucifuge has been around my energy before, and that working with him will center around finance and duty (two things I need to work on), but that sometimes entities will mold people as though they are clay into an image that they see fit for them, and to be aware of that because it doesn't work well for some people. He also mentioned that there would be pain. (I want to believe that that is shadow work, as I had a shadow work experience that evening and a reading that indicated as much.)
I think between some old people pleasing tendencies, and seeing what everyone has written about him not working well with beginners, despite my experience (I do have experience in polarity therapy and reiki too, so I'm not new to energy, at least), I've been riddled with self-doubt and the need to prove myself even though it's only been three or four days. To the point that Loki (who I work with here and there) popped up to remind me to relax and mellow out (and to make me laugh).
I also got some pretty immediate small results without even asking for anything, like someone randomly sending me a little money and a check I've been waiting on finally getting printed. I had a deep emotional release that felt like shadow work. I got guided to go on a walk in the woods and had a beautiful experience. I've had some visuals and been woken up. I had a beautiful experience sitting with his energy with the Dukante sigil last night. But again, it's been like 3 or 5 days. I'm simultaneously thrilled, but I hate the anxiety cropping up that I'm not going to be good enough and that I have to follow the signs to the letter to please him, even when those signs might actually be me reading them wrong. (Example: Getting signs to look into a school when in reality it might be for something else that is *related* to that because I don't even know that that type of school is a career that I would want.)
I felt very ungrounded a lot of today, and I just wanna know what y'all do to ground when you form a new and intense connection, and how to let yourself just enjoy the ride and not get too wound up. Also, if any of you happen to have a history with PTSD and abuse, how do you let yourself be vulnerable with such a powerful spirit when old fears (and maybe old behaviors) keep cropping up? I honestly think these are cropping up to teach me to work through them, but that doesn't stop the feelings.
Anyone who has had experiences with Lucifuge Rofocale, thoughts would be welcomed. What has happened to me so far has felt very protective, very boundary pushing, and very beautiful, but it has also been very intense and a little intimidating. When you read things about a demon like "*any* distrust can be taken as a deep disrespect, which he does not tolerate" and you have C-PTSD from abuse, sometimes those statements hit really hard, probably harder than they might mean and it makes you a bit skittish that you're about to fuck up at any second. (I have stuff to work through and a road ahead of me, I know, which is why I want to stay grounded because with the triggers has come beauty so I don't wanna just give up on this.)
Related but unrelated: This morning in my head "Valak" kept coming up when I was trying to think of Lucifuge's name as I was just waking up/half asleep. I don't entirely know how to take that. I don't feel as though I would gel with Valak's energy at this time, so it was very strange to me.
submitted by Wild-Improvement-818 to DemonolatryPractices [link] [comments]
-How do y'all stay grounded in the mundane when working with entities that can be so intense?
-As of right now I've only been making offerings to Lucifuge Rofocale, I used the Dukante sigil once, which felt interesting, and I've been getting a lot of synchronicities in every day life.
-The connection has started off intense out the gate, but I am fighting a people pleasing nature and the ecstasy of feeling connected to my spiritual side again. From what I've reading about Lucifuge, he is demanding of those he works with in that he doesn't like his time wasted, and it's bringing up old fears of being good enough and worry about disappointing him/losing the connection. No one is really specific about what demanding means.
-I had told my boyfriend about Lucifuge the other night, and he had made some somewhat disrespectful joke about his name and a similarity to Lucifer's name, and when he was in the living room while I was in the bedroom a short while later, he was trying to clean his Mary Jane pipe by smacking it with a lighter (something he claims he had done before) and the side of the lighter blew out and made a huge bang. Yes, there was a mundane explanation for it, but the timing felt like a "I don't suffer abuse." I ended up apologizing for what my boyfriend said and so did he, and things seemed fine after that, but it was still a very intense moment.
-If any of you happen to have a history with PTSD and abuse, how do you let yourself be vulnerable with such a powerful spirit when old fears (and maybe old behaviors) keep cropping up?
~~~~~
Background info if y'all so desire, as well as other little points and maybe some questions thrown in:
I have been inclined toward witchcraft for about 20ish years since I was 11, started getting a bit more serious about it the last few years but not as serious as I would like. I had a negative experience in 2017 when I was working with Lilith (I was SAed by a man who I had considered a friend at the time) that sent me into a mental health crisis and I cut off my ties with Lilith poorly after that. The way I handled it sucked, I blamed the experience on her even though it was 100% the man's fault (obviously, looking back I was not well mentally for obvious reasons, but even still). I plan on giving her an apology offering soon, not so much to work with her again but because it feels right. Her energy was always wonderful, albeit a little intense, and I feel like I messed things up bad. But, I digress from my point.
After that whole thing, I never thought that I would end up drawn to Demonolatry until the last 6 months, really. I started researching Infernals for a personal project of mine and wanted to know more about them to make certain aspects of it more real, and I fell down a bit of a rabbit hole.
It feels like a whirlwind, but I got a message from Lucifer sometime at the end of 2023 through a reader that I've gone to before and it seemed really positive. Fast forward a little, I had seen Lucifuge Rofocale's sigil months ago and thought it was weird how it was the same that Mephistopheles uses, but then didn't think any more of it. That was the extent of that.
Maybe a month ago, I had been reached out to by Belial, but didn't feel inclined to work with him so nothing came of that.
This week on I wanna say Wednesday, I decided to contact Lucifuge Rofocale and Lucifer (because it felt right at the time), and the energy was *intense*. I had been getting some signs to do this, and it felt right at the time. There was an intense feeling of heat and some clairaudience involved. I had a really positive tarot reading as a means of divination, BUT I did pull the three of swords for working with Lucifuge, essentially that working with him might involve pain. I also got a reading from a reading who I regularly get readings from (who has been wildly accurate before), and he said something to a similar effect. He mentioned that Lucifuge has been around my energy before, and that working with him will center around finance and duty (two things I need to work on), but that sometimes entities will mold people as though they are clay into an image that they see fit for them, and to be aware of that because it doesn't work well for some people. He also mentioned that there would be pain. (I want to believe that that is shadow work, as I had a shadow work experience that evening and a reading that indicated as much.)
I think between some old people pleasing tendencies, and seeing what everyone has written about him not working well with beginners, despite my experience (I do have experience in polarity therapy and reiki too, so I'm not new to energy, at least), I've been riddled with self-doubt and the need to prove myself even though it's only been three or four days. To the point that Loki (who I work with here and there) popped up to remind me to relax and mellow out (and to make me laugh).
I also got some pretty immediate small results without even asking for anything, like someone randomly sending me a little money and a check I've been waiting on finally getting printed. I had a deep emotional release that felt like shadow work. I got guided to go on a walk in the woods and had a beautiful experience. I've had some visuals and been woken up. I had a beautiful experience sitting with his energy with the Dukante sigil last night. But again, it's been like 3 or 5 days. I'm simultaneously thrilled, but I hate the anxiety cropping up that I'm not going to be good enough and that I have to follow the signs to the letter to please him, even when those signs might actually be me reading them wrong. (Example: Getting signs to look into a school when in reality it might be for something else that is *related* to that because I don't even know that that type of school is a career that I would want.)
I felt very ungrounded a lot of today, and I just wanna know what y'all do to ground when you form a new and intense connection, and how to let yourself just enjoy the ride and not get too wound up. Also, if any of you happen to have a history with PTSD and abuse, how do you let yourself be vulnerable with such a powerful spirit when old fears (and maybe old behaviors) keep cropping up? I honestly think these are cropping up to teach me to work through them, but that doesn't stop the feelings.
Anyone who has had experiences with Lucifuge Rofocale, thoughts would be welcomed. What has happened to me so far has felt very protective, very boundary pushing, and very beautiful, but it has also been very intense and a little intimidating. When you read things about a demon like "*any* distrust can be taken as a deep disrespect, which he does not tolerate" and you have C-PTSD from abuse, sometimes those statements hit really hard, probably harder than they might mean and it makes you a bit skittish that you're about to fuck up at any second. (I have stuff to work through and a road ahead of me, I know, which is why I want to stay grounded because with the triggers has come beauty so I don't wanna just give up on this.)
Related but unrelated: This morning in my head "Valak" kept coming up when I was trying to think of Lucifuge's name as I was just waking up/half asleep. I don't entirely know how to take that. I don't feel as though I would gel with Valak's energy at this time, so it was very strange to me.
2024.05.20 04:00 whale_sea_about_that 4 months post op and seeing fast onset serious regression
 | My pup is 4 months post op to the day. She was doing really well after the initial healing period. A few days ago she started having trouble with pain. She’s no longer stretching, she’s struggling getting up and down and moving a lot slower and stiffer than ever before and occasionally whimpering when moving around. We’ve gone to the vet and had X-rays done and body checks done and can’t find anything specifically wrong. The vet said it’s likely musculoskeletal and recommended acupuncture and physical therapy. She said this is relatively common after a few months post op but I haven’t seen anyone here or on the tripawds website talking about this so I’m hoping for some help. Has this happened to your pup? What helped? Is she a lost cause and one of the few dogs who didn’t take to amputation well? It’s killing me to see her in pain and I feel so helpless. Im calling the acupuncture place the vet recommended tomorrow to schedule and appointment but if I don’t see results soon I’m going to have no choice but to let her go because in the last few days she has been in the euthanasia zone on the laps of love QoL scale. submitted by whale_sea_about_that to tripawds [link] [comments] |
2024.05.20 03:58 ThenBuilder4325 AITA for telling my two best friends to fuck off?
Might be a bit of a long story but I need some advice. My 2 bestfriends and I had a falling out a little over a month ago now. We have been close friends since we were about 13 (we’re now 20) excluding a year or two after highschool when we went our separate ways for a little while. So about a month ago my friends had driven down to somewhere that I live very close to while living in uni. Bearing in mind it’s about an hour drive to get to where this place is. A couple days before we had been talking about going there as a group for a little day outing, they had then decided to go by themselves and posted all about it on social media. I sent one of them a reply to their post asking why they had gone and not thought to ask me to come with them, or even meet them there, when I live a 20 minute drive from where they had gone. She replied quite inconsiderately saying that they “hadn’t even thought to ask me”. After she sent me that message I rang them up and we had maybe a 10 second tiff on the phone and i ended up hanging up. Obvs I was hurt by their lack of consideration to ask me to even just meet them there or even just an invite when I live so close and they had travelled all the way down here and not even a thought to see if I was free. I left it there and hadn’t messaged them the rest of the day.
So the next day I got a lengthy paragraph from one of them in our group chat where they basically just spoke down on me about how I told them to fuck off on the phone (which in hindsight maybe not the best thing to say but at the time I was hurt and angry). They kept going on about how I can’t speak to them like that, that i’m disgusting and throwing a childish petty tantrum just because I felt left out. I had already told them that it wasn’t the fact that they were spending time together without me (which they seemed to think was my issue) but it was the fact that they had travelled an hour to go to somewhere that I live so close to while in uni when they knew I was there and not back home. We argued throughout the whole day and their whole thing was that they were mad I had told them to fuck off, which I don’t think is the most awful thing to happen but they had made it seem like it was. They were so patronising towards me it was unbelievable I have never experienced anything like it to be honest. I was insulted again and again, them calling me disgusting and childish and selfish and rude, yet I was the one in the wrong because I told them to fuck off the one time.
So it’s been about a month and a half since that all happened and I haven’t spoke to either of them since. I thought i’d give everyone space to calm down and do their own thing for a while, but today I had been thinking about everything and decided to message one of them as I was home for the night from uni, asking if they would like to meet up for a chat in the day to sort things out. Just messaged a hey and she replied back pretty much straight away, I then asked her if she was free in the day to meet up tomorrow to talk and she didn’t reply for about 10 hours, but had been posting all over her stories. But that’s neither here nor there so whatever. Comes around to about 11pm and I get a reply saying “i don’t wanna sound horrible but im still not happy about everything”. Please anyone tell me if i’m being crazy and stupid here and If I am actually in the wrong because after a month and a half you’d thing that someone who claims to be above all the petty drama, wouldn’t be holding a grudge for this long and would’ve gotten over it. Because I do hold a grudge and i’m over it that’s why i reached out to fix things between us. so I said yeah that’s why i’ve messaged and wanted to talk to sort things out, but said it’s fine if she wants to end our friendship here so asked her to let me know so I can figure out what to do, a bit of extra conversation that’s not worth mentioning and then she said “not trying to be dramatic but i think we should just leave it for now” which i said “that’s fine if that’s how you feel, i do think it’s a bit dramatic and unfair” just considering how she’s let go of sooo many awful things my other friend has said and done to her, but i said that’s whatever and that’s fine. she said she wasn’t arguing with me but I was in no way looking for an argument, it was a pretty simple conversation to be honest but she seems to think every thing is an argument if it’s not something that agrees with her outlook on whatever the situation is. I’ve left it there with her, I didn’t expect her to be like that honestly, but looking at how she treated me when we had our fallout and completely disregarded my feelings i shouldn’t have been surprised.
I blame myself for this happening mostly even though I don’t think what I had said to them was half as bad as what they’d said to me, and sometimes i think it might have been a blessing in disguise.
I guess what i’m looking for on here is some validation for my feelings about the situation, or even criticism if anyone thinks i’m genuinely in the wrong. I was going to reach out to the other friend tomorrow but is it even worth it now if one of them has already rejected my offer to reconcile, and the way they had spoken and treated me, would it be worth trying to get our friendship back after that?
(sorry if some things don’t make sense, it’s 3 in the morning but It’s been on my mind and I can’t sleep so what better way to get advice than from strangers haha)
submitted by ThenBuilder4325 to FriendshipAdvice [link] [comments]
So the next day I got a lengthy paragraph from one of them in our group chat where they basically just spoke down on me about how I told them to fuck off on the phone (which in hindsight maybe not the best thing to say but at the time I was hurt and angry). They kept going on about how I can’t speak to them like that, that i’m disgusting and throwing a childish petty tantrum just because I felt left out. I had already told them that it wasn’t the fact that they were spending time together without me (which they seemed to think was my issue) but it was the fact that they had travelled an hour to go to somewhere that I live so close to while in uni when they knew I was there and not back home. We argued throughout the whole day and their whole thing was that they were mad I had told them to fuck off, which I don’t think is the most awful thing to happen but they had made it seem like it was. They were so patronising towards me it was unbelievable I have never experienced anything like it to be honest. I was insulted again and again, them calling me disgusting and childish and selfish and rude, yet I was the one in the wrong because I told them to fuck off the one time.
So it’s been about a month and a half since that all happened and I haven’t spoke to either of them since. I thought i’d give everyone space to calm down and do their own thing for a while, but today I had been thinking about everything and decided to message one of them as I was home for the night from uni, asking if they would like to meet up for a chat in the day to sort things out. Just messaged a hey and she replied back pretty much straight away, I then asked her if she was free in the day to meet up tomorrow to talk and she didn’t reply for about 10 hours, but had been posting all over her stories. But that’s neither here nor there so whatever. Comes around to about 11pm and I get a reply saying “i don’t wanna sound horrible but im still not happy about everything”. Please anyone tell me if i’m being crazy and stupid here and If I am actually in the wrong because after a month and a half you’d thing that someone who claims to be above all the petty drama, wouldn’t be holding a grudge for this long and would’ve gotten over it. Because I do hold a grudge and i’m over it that’s why i reached out to fix things between us. so I said yeah that’s why i’ve messaged and wanted to talk to sort things out, but said it’s fine if she wants to end our friendship here so asked her to let me know so I can figure out what to do, a bit of extra conversation that’s not worth mentioning and then she said “not trying to be dramatic but i think we should just leave it for now” which i said “that’s fine if that’s how you feel, i do think it’s a bit dramatic and unfair” just considering how she’s let go of sooo many awful things my other friend has said and done to her, but i said that’s whatever and that’s fine. she said she wasn’t arguing with me but I was in no way looking for an argument, it was a pretty simple conversation to be honest but she seems to think every thing is an argument if it’s not something that agrees with her outlook on whatever the situation is. I’ve left it there with her, I didn’t expect her to be like that honestly, but looking at how she treated me when we had our fallout and completely disregarded my feelings i shouldn’t have been surprised.
I blame myself for this happening mostly even though I don’t think what I had said to them was half as bad as what they’d said to me, and sometimes i think it might have been a blessing in disguise.
I guess what i’m looking for on here is some validation for my feelings about the situation, or even criticism if anyone thinks i’m genuinely in the wrong. I was going to reach out to the other friend tomorrow but is it even worth it now if one of them has already rejected my offer to reconcile, and the way they had spoken and treated me, would it be worth trying to get our friendship back after that?
(sorry if some things don’t make sense, it’s 3 in the morning but It’s been on my mind and I can’t sleep so what better way to get advice than from strangers haha)
2024.05.20 03:52 cloudybitch_2001 AITAH For Telling My Best Friend That I Hate Her?
I know the title sounds a little dramatic and it probably is. But this issue I have with my best friend has been going on for over a year now and I honestly don’t know how to feel anymore. I (23 female) and my best friend (29 female) have been friends for almost 4 years now. I understand that that is not a very long time, however there is a backstory here. 4 years ago I moved to the Boise area to get away from my past life and start new. I decided I didn’t want to go to school at the time and I had wanted to just figure life out as I headed into my 20s. I got a steady job, got my own apartment, and was really living on my own for the first time. The only thing that had sucked about moving was leaving all my friends behind. But this is when I meant my best friend, let’s call her Clara. Clara and I had met through work, and we had soon became close friends outside of work. We had clicked so fast, like no other friendship I have had before. Being on my own, and away from everyone I knew, it was so nice to feel comfortable around someone again. We would do everything together. Go to the movies, listen to music, hang out after work, ect. After a while we starting calling each other best friends, we were truly inseparable. That was until one day everything switched. Clara had told me she had started seeing someone, and I was so excited for her because it had been a minute since she was in a relationship and I knew how lonely she had been romantically at the time. She talked and talked to me about her partner for hours on the phone every night, and it was super fun getting all the details about their relationship. I was so thrilled for her, truly. But if I am being honest, I was starting to miss her. We had gone from talking everyday to only talking about her new partner whenever I was able to see her. I understand that when someone is in the honeymoon stage of a relationship they tend to put themselves all in at first, and I had assumed that that is what was happening. But I started to feel like I was invisible around her. I had mentioned this to her and had explained to her how happy I was for her and her new relationship, but I missed her, and I was hoping we could have a day where it was just us girls, and to maybe not focus so much on our love life, more specifically hers. At first she got a little defensive but then realized what my intentions were. She apologized for being so distant and explained that she was just really excited to have someone be so into her again. We had planned a day for it to just be us. I had bought movie tickets for this film she had been wanting to go see and we had planned on lunch and a nice afternoon out shopping. We both had the day off so it was perfect. I had gotten up that day. Got ready, did my hair, my makeup, got super cute for a fun girls day. I text Carla at around 11 since we had planned on meeting up at 12 and asked. “Hey I’m ready when you are, did you want me to meet you at your place? I had waited for about half an hour and no reply. I texted again. “Hey girl, everything okay?” Another 30 minutes went by and nothing. It wasn’t like her to not reply back, so I got worried. Thought something was up. I called her. Nothing. Another hour rolled by and she finally texted me back. “Hey I’m at “partners” house, maybe we can meet up later…” I was taken aback. I stared at my phone confused. Then it hit me. She was blowing me off. AGAIN. I huffed and texted back saying. “What about our plans?” No reply again for another hour. At this point I had lost all hope. We had missed lunch, and by this rate we were going to miss our movie. I cancelled the tickets. She texted me back hours later and said “hey I’m sorry bout today, I promise next time I won’t bail.” Oh but that’s just the start. She kept bailing. Every time I would plan something, she always found a way to skip out. Eventually her and her partner broke up. She only got more distance because now she was depressed. I didn’t want to abandon her because I knew she was hurting, but I was ALSO hurting and had been hurting for months. One night I went over to her place and we just talked about things, and the way life was treating us. I was honest with her and told her that I have felt abandoned completely by her while she was in her relationship, and now only after she was single again did she feel the need to come back to me. Instead of hearing my pain, she decided to get defensive. She told me that she didn’t need me and that I was too much for her sometimes anyways. The only time she genuinely felt happy within the past few years was when she was with her partner. This absolutely gutted me because at that moment it felt like she was telling me that our friendship meant nothing to her. That I never made her laugh, smile, and feel safe. I started to cry and she just stared at me. She got really overwhelmed and told me to leave. When I refused, because I wanted to talk about this, she rolled her eyes and said “fine, I’m going to bed” she went to her room and closed the door behind her. I felt like I just got punched in the chest. I know we hadn’t known each other as long as others, but when we met it was like we had known each other our whole lives already. And to go from that kind of connection to this. And over some person she was dating less than 6 months. I was so heartbroken. Me being the person I am, I decided to forgive her anyway, because I was so lonely, I was scared to take a step back in fear of being alone again. And for the past year now its like things have never been the same. We now live together and it feels like the issue has grown into something much larger than it was before. I started going to therapy to talk about my feelings with someone, and I suggested the same for Clara. But she didn’t want to do that. She has stayed in the same depressive cycle for the past year. Ignoring all friends and family and pushing everyone close away. Eventually I had had enough and exploded one day. I told her that she couldn’t just sulk for the rest of her life. I understand that life is hard, but eventually we have to move on. I figured some tough love would snap her out of it, but oh was I wrong. She actually told me that I was a terrible friend and was not patient enough with her. This coming from her really sent me over the edge. I exclaimed to her that I had had it. “I’m not patient enough? Are you kidding me! You have been sulking over the same things for over a year and through all of the push back and hurtful words, I stayed for you because I believed one day we would get back to how happy and fun we used to be. But I’m not patient enough?” I started to cry. “I’m a bad friend? For what? Staying by your side through thick and thin. And even though you had distanced yourself from me I had let you have your space because I knew that it was you needed at the time? But I have feelings too! Not everything is always about you Clara.” Her face got hot and she had started to shut down. She told me that she didn’t want to be my friend anymore and that I expected too much from her. If wanting basic communication and understanding from your best friend is too much, then I must be on the wrong planet. But there is a part of me that feels crazy too. Like am I really a bad person for wanting some recognition in this friendship too? For wanting my needs to be considered too? I don’t know if I am being gaslighted or not. I told her that I hated her, and I didn’t want to say it, but the words just left my lips without a thought. I was so hurt by her words, so I fired back, but regretted it immediately. She started to cry too. I didn’t want to hurt her, but a part of me was glad she was feeling how I had been feeling for months now. The truth is I don’t really hate her, I just hate the way she treats me. I probably should have said it that way instead, but I couldn’t help it. I am not sure what to do now. I don’t want to loose my best friend. Even if it has only been a few years, I truly feel like we are platonic soulmates at times. But then again, I feel like this friendship is obviously not as important to her as it is to me. If she cared as much as I did, she wouldn’t have put me in multiple situations where I would feel abandoned and under appreciated as such. I don’t know what to do, friendship break ups are so hard.
submitted by cloudybitch_2001 to AITAH [link] [comments]
2024.05.20 03:39 SageJarosz Ep 14: Celestial Immortal
Previous chapter
“I hate it.”
Mareus slapped his mouth and bit down on his lips in a futile attempt to capture his half-asleep words. His body tensed while listening for any signs of the stranger, bracing himself for some monster of a person to come rushing from the dark to finish him off.
Though, it didn’t matter in the end if they were paying attention to him or not. They clearly already knew where he was and, for some reason, chose to leave him alone after pulling him from the rubble and treating his injuries.
He clutched at his stomach, his hunger pangs goading him to push aside the anxiety and crawl his way towards the bowl still waiting patiently for him. There were no signs of it being changed or infested by any of the creatures hiding away, in fact, a gentle warmth still radiated from it. A pleasant aroma floated through the still air as if it had a will of its own, enticing him like some carnivorous flower lying in wait.
Mareus ignored his pain and fatigue as he absentmindedly made his way closer to the beckoning meal. What was he so worried about? If the stranger hadn’t done anything yet, then they probably weren’t going to from the start. It wasn’t like he was in any state to resist them anyway.
That’s right. He justified. It’s just sitting there, waiting for me.
The bowl was only a breath away now. Mareus stretched against his bandages enough for the wrappings around his fingers to brush the rim before the markings let out a faint light and constricted his body. He was almost there and wouldn’t give up, one more time he resisted their binding and was able to hook his finger on the inside of the rim.
Putting all the strength he had into the one finger he fought against the rough, uneven ground to reel in his catch. A faint glow lit up the black stone and his heart stopped before his restraints forced his arm back. Spilling his only food in a mocking halo as the bowl rolled on its side.
That was it, his only food mixed in with the wet dirt of the cave floor. He almost dove at it before realizing the intense hunger and drive he had was now fading away. His hunger was still there to some degree, but now it was more like an emptiness scratching at the back of his stomach. The overwhelming desire to eat was almost entirely gone.
A faint breeze brought his attention back to the bowl and he watched as markings like the ones on his bandages let out one last dim breath of light. When they went dark his hunger returned to the back of his mind.
After crawling back into his hole, the cave was filled with the sounds of hundreds of insects rushing over and feasting on the spilled meal. The echoes of chitin tapping on stone and trudging through the mush assaulting his ears. Covering his ears only replaced their frenzy with the sound of his blood flowing through his ears.
Mareus alternated between listening to the rhythmic thumps lulling him to sleep and the chittering that convinced him, more than once, that the insects had crawled in his ears. The minutes drawing into hours, maybe even days, as reason began slipping away.
A gentle clack of wood being placed on stone silenced the world.
He carefully rolled over and saw another bowl, the insects were gone, the mess was cleaned. It was like everything that happened was a dream, only this time he didn’t have this unnatural drive compelling him to reach the bowl.
Whatever the markings were meant to do, this one didn’t seem to have them. He watched as the cave life made their way back to his food. They didn’t attack it right away this time, instead they circled their prey waiting for the right time. Mareus closed his eyes and focused on listening for their movements when he heard a damp thud that must have been one of them falling in the food.
That sound must have been the signal the rest were waiting for because they converged on the meal and devoured with a gluttony he didn’t know they were capable of. Despite the gut churning sounds, he focused on every bit as he counted his heart beat.
Two thousand four hundred and twenty…seven.
The cave had finally settled down again as the insects returned to their hiding places. Mareus kept counting though, he had to stay focused so he could figure out how to tell when the stranger was coming. He had no idea how often they came by but he needed to learn anything he could if he wanted to make it back home.
Twenty-eight thousand seven hundred and ninety-five.
Muffled steps approached the bowl and wordlessly replaced it with another, the gentle clank dancing around the cave walls. Words wanted to leave his mouth, to ask the stranger questions, to make demands. But, what would he say, what could he say?
Mareus’ chest tightened as he tried to find the words, his mind struggling with the growing distraction of the empty feeling in his stomach. They were gone as silently as they arrived.
He started counting again. Using the hunger pangs to fight his body’s cries for sleep he waited out another four or five changes of the bowl. He couldn’t remember exactly anymore as his guard lightened and the exhaustion wrapped around him like a warm blanket. Against his best effort sleep finally took him.
The elders were watching over the younger generations going about their routines. The whole village was in the middle of doing their morning exercises with the sunrise, the bigger clans and families had their yards filled with people flowing from stance to stance, while the smaller families gathered in front of the Elder’s Hall or practiced in their gardens.
Before he knew it, Mareus was running errands and was racing pass villagers tending to fields of medicinal herbs and vegetables while guards kept their eyes on the edge of the forest for any signs of wild beasts.
Then one day a doctor from some big sect visited them and told him that he had the cure to his diverted meridians. The village elders held a big celebration in front of their hall and they had a special ceremony where Granny Hua accepted him as a disciple. When he looked out to the crowd, the sun shone on hundreds of smiling faces.
Tears ran down his face as he smiled and waved at everyone. The salty taste made the world shimmer like a painting being washed away.
Please don’t go. He thought.
The infection of reality found its way into his heart and the dream continued to shimmer before warping and twisting the scene from before.
Mountains of rubble replaced the beautiful homes that stood for generations. One after another the people fell while letting out muted screams. Smoke began to fill the air like some ghostly fog and ash painted the now faceless bodies strewn everywhere. Bodiless cries fought with one another to be helped.
Mareus fell to his knees at the center of the destruction while pleading. “Please, don’t do this. Don’t take them from me again.”
The one eyed man towered over him, tall enough for his hair to brush the clouds. The evil in his clenched grin poured out like a thick miasma that choked him as he watched Sister Mai rushing over.
He tried to scream at her to stay away but his voice was now completely cut off. Mareus now stood over himself watching the helpless child he truly was, he followed his own pleading gaze and turned to watch a young woman he recognized but couldn’t place at the moment.
She picked up a piece of a wooden beam and charged at him, her tears turning to blood as she let out a voiceless scream.
Mareus quickly searched the sky for his enemy, Where are they? Why is it so quiet?
When he looked back down his arm was through the back of the woman and he finally recognized the angry face staring daggers at him as the light left her eyes.
He watched as the giant man turned back to him and let Mai’s lifeless body fall to the ground. The crimson drenching the monster’s hand leaking and painting his own with the blood of the woman he called his big sister.
The one eyed man shot into the air and the force of the impact shook him awake.
It was easier to fight his exhaustion this time as he waited for the stranger to replace the bowl. When they replaced it this time, they lingered as if they wanted to say something. This time the anger and pain he felt didn’t let him hesitate.
“Wh-“ His dry unused voice turned into a breath. He cleared his throat and tried again. “Why…”
The effort of forcing that whisper was already difficult, he wanted to say so much more. He couldn’t tell if they were still waiting in the dark, or if they were even willing to listen. His voice was clawing to get out, he was tired of waiting.
His skin buzzed as he waited and moistened his throat. The question was out there now, at least the most important part. ‘Why?’ There was so much more racing through his mind that he could add while the presence remained silent.
Why me? What made you save me? Why didn’t you leave me with them? Why do I have to be alone?
An unseen pressure grew in the dark as his question went unanswered. It was like the chill he would get coming back late at night and he felt like something was watching him from the forest, waiting to pounce. It kept growing sharper until a sudden cool warmth touched the nape of his neck and gingerly ran down the length of his back.
A cold, yet familiar feeling voice finally broke the silence. “It would be a waste. Letting such a potential vanish from this world.”
The stranger brushed the matted hair from his neck. Their simple and straightforward gesture giving off the feeling of a beast playing with its catch knowing it could kill it at anytime.
“I feel for your loss, truly. My heart aches for the ill fate that placed those ‘experts’ in your home. I couldn’t allow your path to end because of a game between mere children.” Their voice danced between compassionate and venomous.
The gentle pressure of them rubbing his back relaxed him and Mareus became even more aware of how tired and sore his body was. Although, as they continued it felt like everything faded away. Not so much as if he was being relieved of everything, it was more like everything was being taken away and swallowed by a void that wouldn’t make him take it back.
Mareus sat up slowly and with a hoarse voice he asked. “What makes me so special?” He inhaled, “Why didn’t you stop them?!” His scream tore into his lungs and filled his throat with the taste of iron.
Water filled his eyes as he faced the disembodied presence.
The stranger gently embraced him, their cool robes enveloping him. “Poor child.”
“You could have saved all of th-em.” His trembling voice couldn’t hide the pain any longer. Still, Mareus stared through blurry eyes and did his best to look them in the face.
A thin hand brushed away his tears. “My sweet boy, I’m sorry I couldn’t be there sooner. Their battle had already moved south, and what they left behind…” They trailed off.
While wrapped in their arms he listened to the grief in their voice. Unsure of what to think anymore. Why did they wait so long? Why did they leave me here in the dark? Were they hurt too? Mareus found himself wondering if he was being selfish.
“Before I could chase after them, I sensed the faint trace of your life clinging on to any shred of hope. After digging you out and applying some emergency medicine I lost track of their energies. Instead of searching for them I made the decision to at least make sure you survived.”
Mareus realized that there was something ethereal in the way they talked. Their tone wasn’t distant, but at the same time it felt like they were a world away from him. The image of a mother apologizing for something she wasn’t responsible for popped in his mind.
His body began to feel lighter than it had been since he woke up in the cave. “Thank you.” He relented.
He gingerly wiped away his tears as if testing if his body would suddenly start listening to him. When he opened them again, the dark world that surrounded him expanded and he could now see all the way to the other wall of the cave.
Am I really not in the afterlife? He thought.
The formless shadow of his savior was replaced with a celestial fairy that stepped out from one of Elder Guo’s stories and descended into this pit to comfort him. She wore a snow white hanfu with a wide sash that hugged tightly against her. The sleeves and hem were far longer than normal like if the seamstress forgot to remove the excess material.
Her otherworldly appearance stood out against the darkness with her iridescent skin illuminating the cave. Her shadow like hair, even darker than the surroundings blackness. She looked like a master craftsman had picked the most exquisite material to craft a lifelike doll that would shatter if you looked at it the wrong way. Only to the fill that doll with the essence of deepest parts of the night sky.
Mareus completely forgot his fatigue as he collapsed into a bow and laid his head to the floor. In an attempt to imitate the older members of his village when speaking to the elders, he said. “I apologize for being so disrespectful. I humbly want to thank the generous immortal for saving this life.”
His body trembled from the effort of supporting his weight, but he continued to wait as sweat formed on the back of his neck and ran down his face. Unsure of what this heaven-like being would do to him if he had disrespected her further.
Next chapter
submitted by SageJarosz to FitKiwiStories [link] [comments]
“I hate it.”
Mareus slapped his mouth and bit down on his lips in a futile attempt to capture his half-asleep words. His body tensed while listening for any signs of the stranger, bracing himself for some monster of a person to come rushing from the dark to finish him off.
Though, it didn’t matter in the end if they were paying attention to him or not. They clearly already knew where he was and, for some reason, chose to leave him alone after pulling him from the rubble and treating his injuries.
He clutched at his stomach, his hunger pangs goading him to push aside the anxiety and crawl his way towards the bowl still waiting patiently for him. There were no signs of it being changed or infested by any of the creatures hiding away, in fact, a gentle warmth still radiated from it. A pleasant aroma floated through the still air as if it had a will of its own, enticing him like some carnivorous flower lying in wait.
Mareus ignored his pain and fatigue as he absentmindedly made his way closer to the beckoning meal. What was he so worried about? If the stranger hadn’t done anything yet, then they probably weren’t going to from the start. It wasn’t like he was in any state to resist them anyway.
That’s right. He justified. It’s just sitting there, waiting for me.
The bowl was only a breath away now. Mareus stretched against his bandages enough for the wrappings around his fingers to brush the rim before the markings let out a faint light and constricted his body. He was almost there and wouldn’t give up, one more time he resisted their binding and was able to hook his finger on the inside of the rim.
Putting all the strength he had into the one finger he fought against the rough, uneven ground to reel in his catch. A faint glow lit up the black stone and his heart stopped before his restraints forced his arm back. Spilling his only food in a mocking halo as the bowl rolled on its side.
That was it, his only food mixed in with the wet dirt of the cave floor. He almost dove at it before realizing the intense hunger and drive he had was now fading away. His hunger was still there to some degree, but now it was more like an emptiness scratching at the back of his stomach. The overwhelming desire to eat was almost entirely gone.
A faint breeze brought his attention back to the bowl and he watched as markings like the ones on his bandages let out one last dim breath of light. When they went dark his hunger returned to the back of his mind.
After crawling back into his hole, the cave was filled with the sounds of hundreds of insects rushing over and feasting on the spilled meal. The echoes of chitin tapping on stone and trudging through the mush assaulting his ears. Covering his ears only replaced their frenzy with the sound of his blood flowing through his ears.
Mareus alternated between listening to the rhythmic thumps lulling him to sleep and the chittering that convinced him, more than once, that the insects had crawled in his ears. The minutes drawing into hours, maybe even days, as reason began slipping away.
A gentle clack of wood being placed on stone silenced the world.
He carefully rolled over and saw another bowl, the insects were gone, the mess was cleaned. It was like everything that happened was a dream, only this time he didn’t have this unnatural drive compelling him to reach the bowl.
Whatever the markings were meant to do, this one didn’t seem to have them. He watched as the cave life made their way back to his food. They didn’t attack it right away this time, instead they circled their prey waiting for the right time. Mareus closed his eyes and focused on listening for their movements when he heard a damp thud that must have been one of them falling in the food.
That sound must have been the signal the rest were waiting for because they converged on the meal and devoured with a gluttony he didn’t know they were capable of. Despite the gut churning sounds, he focused on every bit as he counted his heart beat.
Two thousand four hundred and twenty…seven.
The cave had finally settled down again as the insects returned to their hiding places. Mareus kept counting though, he had to stay focused so he could figure out how to tell when the stranger was coming. He had no idea how often they came by but he needed to learn anything he could if he wanted to make it back home.
Twenty-eight thousand seven hundred and ninety-five.
Muffled steps approached the bowl and wordlessly replaced it with another, the gentle clank dancing around the cave walls. Words wanted to leave his mouth, to ask the stranger questions, to make demands. But, what would he say, what could he say?
Mareus’ chest tightened as he tried to find the words, his mind struggling with the growing distraction of the empty feeling in his stomach. They were gone as silently as they arrived.
He started counting again. Using the hunger pangs to fight his body’s cries for sleep he waited out another four or five changes of the bowl. He couldn’t remember exactly anymore as his guard lightened and the exhaustion wrapped around him like a warm blanket. Against his best effort sleep finally took him.
The elders were watching over the younger generations going about their routines. The whole village was in the middle of doing their morning exercises with the sunrise, the bigger clans and families had their yards filled with people flowing from stance to stance, while the smaller families gathered in front of the Elder’s Hall or practiced in their gardens.
Before he knew it, Mareus was running errands and was racing pass villagers tending to fields of medicinal herbs and vegetables while guards kept their eyes on the edge of the forest for any signs of wild beasts.
Then one day a doctor from some big sect visited them and told him that he had the cure to his diverted meridians. The village elders held a big celebration in front of their hall and they had a special ceremony where Granny Hua accepted him as a disciple. When he looked out to the crowd, the sun shone on hundreds of smiling faces.
Tears ran down his face as he smiled and waved at everyone. The salty taste made the world shimmer like a painting being washed away.
Please don’t go. He thought.
The infection of reality found its way into his heart and the dream continued to shimmer before warping and twisting the scene from before.
Mountains of rubble replaced the beautiful homes that stood for generations. One after another the people fell while letting out muted screams. Smoke began to fill the air like some ghostly fog and ash painted the now faceless bodies strewn everywhere. Bodiless cries fought with one another to be helped.
Mareus fell to his knees at the center of the destruction while pleading. “Please, don’t do this. Don’t take them from me again.”
The one eyed man towered over him, tall enough for his hair to brush the clouds. The evil in his clenched grin poured out like a thick miasma that choked him as he watched Sister Mai rushing over.
He tried to scream at her to stay away but his voice was now completely cut off. Mareus now stood over himself watching the helpless child he truly was, he followed his own pleading gaze and turned to watch a young woman he recognized but couldn’t place at the moment.
She picked up a piece of a wooden beam and charged at him, her tears turning to blood as she let out a voiceless scream.
Mareus quickly searched the sky for his enemy, Where are they? Why is it so quiet?
When he looked back down his arm was through the back of the woman and he finally recognized the angry face staring daggers at him as the light left her eyes.
He watched as the giant man turned back to him and let Mai’s lifeless body fall to the ground. The crimson drenching the monster’s hand leaking and painting his own with the blood of the woman he called his big sister.
The one eyed man shot into the air and the force of the impact shook him awake.
It was easier to fight his exhaustion this time as he waited for the stranger to replace the bowl. When they replaced it this time, they lingered as if they wanted to say something. This time the anger and pain he felt didn’t let him hesitate.
“Wh-“ His dry unused voice turned into a breath. He cleared his throat and tried again. “Why…”
The effort of forcing that whisper was already difficult, he wanted to say so much more. He couldn’t tell if they were still waiting in the dark, or if they were even willing to listen. His voice was clawing to get out, he was tired of waiting.
His skin buzzed as he waited and moistened his throat. The question was out there now, at least the most important part. ‘Why?’ There was so much more racing through his mind that he could add while the presence remained silent.
Why me? What made you save me? Why didn’t you leave me with them? Why do I have to be alone?
An unseen pressure grew in the dark as his question went unanswered. It was like the chill he would get coming back late at night and he felt like something was watching him from the forest, waiting to pounce. It kept growing sharper until a sudden cool warmth touched the nape of his neck and gingerly ran down the length of his back.
A cold, yet familiar feeling voice finally broke the silence. “It would be a waste. Letting such a potential vanish from this world.”
The stranger brushed the matted hair from his neck. Their simple and straightforward gesture giving off the feeling of a beast playing with its catch knowing it could kill it at anytime.
“I feel for your loss, truly. My heart aches for the ill fate that placed those ‘experts’ in your home. I couldn’t allow your path to end because of a game between mere children.” Their voice danced between compassionate and venomous.
The gentle pressure of them rubbing his back relaxed him and Mareus became even more aware of how tired and sore his body was. Although, as they continued it felt like everything faded away. Not so much as if he was being relieved of everything, it was more like everything was being taken away and swallowed by a void that wouldn’t make him take it back.
Mareus sat up slowly and with a hoarse voice he asked. “What makes me so special?” He inhaled, “Why didn’t you stop them?!” His scream tore into his lungs and filled his throat with the taste of iron.
Water filled his eyes as he faced the disembodied presence.
The stranger gently embraced him, their cool robes enveloping him. “Poor child.”
“You could have saved all of th-em.” His trembling voice couldn’t hide the pain any longer. Still, Mareus stared through blurry eyes and did his best to look them in the face.
A thin hand brushed away his tears. “My sweet boy, I’m sorry I couldn’t be there sooner. Their battle had already moved south, and what they left behind…” They trailed off.
While wrapped in their arms he listened to the grief in their voice. Unsure of what to think anymore. Why did they wait so long? Why did they leave me here in the dark? Were they hurt too? Mareus found himself wondering if he was being selfish.
“Before I could chase after them, I sensed the faint trace of your life clinging on to any shred of hope. After digging you out and applying some emergency medicine I lost track of their energies. Instead of searching for them I made the decision to at least make sure you survived.”
Mareus realized that there was something ethereal in the way they talked. Their tone wasn’t distant, but at the same time it felt like they were a world away from him. The image of a mother apologizing for something she wasn’t responsible for popped in his mind.
His body began to feel lighter than it had been since he woke up in the cave. “Thank you.” He relented.
He gingerly wiped away his tears as if testing if his body would suddenly start listening to him. When he opened them again, the dark world that surrounded him expanded and he could now see all the way to the other wall of the cave.
Am I really not in the afterlife? He thought.
The formless shadow of his savior was replaced with a celestial fairy that stepped out from one of Elder Guo’s stories and descended into this pit to comfort him. She wore a snow white hanfu with a wide sash that hugged tightly against her. The sleeves and hem were far longer than normal like if the seamstress forgot to remove the excess material.
Her otherworldly appearance stood out against the darkness with her iridescent skin illuminating the cave. Her shadow like hair, even darker than the surroundings blackness. She looked like a master craftsman had picked the most exquisite material to craft a lifelike doll that would shatter if you looked at it the wrong way. Only to the fill that doll with the essence of deepest parts of the night sky.
Mareus completely forgot his fatigue as he collapsed into a bow and laid his head to the floor. In an attempt to imitate the older members of his village when speaking to the elders, he said. “I apologize for being so disrespectful. I humbly want to thank the generous immortal for saving this life.”
His body trembled from the effort of supporting his weight, but he continued to wait as sweat formed on the back of his neck and ran down his face. Unsure of what this heaven-like being would do to him if he had disrespected her further.
Next chapter
2024.05.20 03:38 Worried-Sea5789 I have just split up with my now ex gf and I’m struggling with fond memories
I have never really posted to Reddit before but I really need to get this off my chest and maybe hear from some other people about my situation. Me and my ex are both 18 and she is truly my first love. We have been friends for 4 years, in and out of relationships with each other for about 3, and there have been times where it has all been perfect and I just cannot stop the wishful thinking that those times would come back.
We have both done things wrong over the years and I feel as though when I have done wrong I have changed, such as how I used to struggle to understand her feelings and be empathetic as I now understand many young men do. There was a lot of ‘tit for tat’ before we first got together, which we got over and then got together, resulting in 8 months of perfect happiness. It was all perfect, she was my best friend and we were so in love, but as school became stressful I began to feel that stress was taken out on me as she purposefully would try to aggravate me in order to get a reaction and then tell my friends and her friends about how awful I was when in reality I was just extremely confused.
This continued as i felt she further would manipulate me by making me feel awful about anything she perceived as ‘wrong’ by me in the relationship, causing me to become extremely sad and ultimately split with her for a few months. This was our first serious split, and it mainly (for me) came down to a sense that she had become someone different to who she was at the beginning, as anything i mentioned that upset me was shot down by a counter argument and ultimately none of my feelings were addressed. This is something which continued when we eventually got back together, and has never really stopped to this day. I’m not sure why, but I feel a sense of selfishness was somehow evoked in her, and whilst I feel I developed an ability to look at my own mistakes and fix them, she lost this ability. We got back together a couple months later, despite her showing me some clear red flags. I have only gone into this much detail concerning the early part of our relationship as I believe it was the beginning of the end all that time ago. As time went on I just began to put up with it as i loved her so much still and found it easier to just be quiet most of the time. However, my discontent grew and ultimately she became physically abusive for a period, leading to me splitting up with her after she punched me in the face.
I saw someone else and was with them for a couple months up until recently when my ex came back into my life and the nostalgia hit me, leading me to go back to her. The person I was with was just not the same, and i know it isn’t right to compare but I just couldn’t help it. As the excitement and comfortable nature of getting back to my ex faded, the selfish tendencies came through again. Whilst she would do nice things for me, it was still underpinned by a complete lack of respect as I feel my emotions were just cast aside as seen as secondary to her. I was made to feel guilty about anything she didn’t want to hear, as if it was my fault because of some reason or other. She would often guilt trip me and cause the topic to change if it made her look like the ‘bad guy’, making me feel even worse and Ike I was an awful person, despite the person I saw prior to this often telling me about how I was kind and caring and loving, traits I feel I developed out of the original relationship.Ultimately I decided yesterday I didn’t want to be with my ex, I called her and said it wasn’t what I wanted right now, I feel I need consistency in a relationship. I cannot help but long for the days in the past though, and I have no clue how to stop reminiscing or at least make it more bearable. I really could do with some advice as, whilst I feel I have grown tremendously from this relationship, I want this to be the end. I just need help on how to not go back to someone who I have been told is toxic and bad for me for so long, and how I can potentially move on to something better for me.
TLDR; up and down mid term relationship with my ex, was good for 9 months but she became toxic and made me feel awful about my feelings, can’t stop reminiscing about ‘the old her’ and the good times and longing for it to be how it used to be.
submitted by Worried-Sea5789 to BreakUps [link] [comments]
We have both done things wrong over the years and I feel as though when I have done wrong I have changed, such as how I used to struggle to understand her feelings and be empathetic as I now understand many young men do. There was a lot of ‘tit for tat’ before we first got together, which we got over and then got together, resulting in 8 months of perfect happiness. It was all perfect, she was my best friend and we were so in love, but as school became stressful I began to feel that stress was taken out on me as she purposefully would try to aggravate me in order to get a reaction and then tell my friends and her friends about how awful I was when in reality I was just extremely confused.
This continued as i felt she further would manipulate me by making me feel awful about anything she perceived as ‘wrong’ by me in the relationship, causing me to become extremely sad and ultimately split with her for a few months. This was our first serious split, and it mainly (for me) came down to a sense that she had become someone different to who she was at the beginning, as anything i mentioned that upset me was shot down by a counter argument and ultimately none of my feelings were addressed. This is something which continued when we eventually got back together, and has never really stopped to this day. I’m not sure why, but I feel a sense of selfishness was somehow evoked in her, and whilst I feel I developed an ability to look at my own mistakes and fix them, she lost this ability. We got back together a couple months later, despite her showing me some clear red flags. I have only gone into this much detail concerning the early part of our relationship as I believe it was the beginning of the end all that time ago. As time went on I just began to put up with it as i loved her so much still and found it easier to just be quiet most of the time. However, my discontent grew and ultimately she became physically abusive for a period, leading to me splitting up with her after she punched me in the face.
I saw someone else and was with them for a couple months up until recently when my ex came back into my life and the nostalgia hit me, leading me to go back to her. The person I was with was just not the same, and i know it isn’t right to compare but I just couldn’t help it. As the excitement and comfortable nature of getting back to my ex faded, the selfish tendencies came through again. Whilst she would do nice things for me, it was still underpinned by a complete lack of respect as I feel my emotions were just cast aside as seen as secondary to her. I was made to feel guilty about anything she didn’t want to hear, as if it was my fault because of some reason or other. She would often guilt trip me and cause the topic to change if it made her look like the ‘bad guy’, making me feel even worse and Ike I was an awful person, despite the person I saw prior to this often telling me about how I was kind and caring and loving, traits I feel I developed out of the original relationship.Ultimately I decided yesterday I didn’t want to be with my ex, I called her and said it wasn’t what I wanted right now, I feel I need consistency in a relationship. I cannot help but long for the days in the past though, and I have no clue how to stop reminiscing or at least make it more bearable. I really could do with some advice as, whilst I feel I have grown tremendously from this relationship, I want this to be the end. I just need help on how to not go back to someone who I have been told is toxic and bad for me for so long, and how I can potentially move on to something better for me.
TLDR; up and down mid term relationship with my ex, was good for 9 months but she became toxic and made me feel awful about my feelings, can’t stop reminiscing about ‘the old her’ and the good times and longing for it to be how it used to be.
2024.05.20 03:36 i_love_cute_doggos Kicking 2 people from my campaign after a few sessions
Didn't know whether to tag this as a table dispute or a DMing issue because it's sort of 50/50.
New to DMing, only about 2 months and half the handbook into figuring stuff out and learning as I go along, players are very okay with this because they also know basically nothing as this is all their first campaign outside of a maybe 1 or 2 having played a one-shots before.
I have 7 PCs (I host in a school and had to turn away so many people) but thought I could deal with 7 as the campaign seemed pretty short and basic. Honestly despite the large number of people I still believe I could host it if the entire party was actually cooperative.
5 of the 7 are probably the best players I could hope for, being super open to suggestions, interacting with all my NPCs, causing just the right amount of chaos to have fun but not derail my campaign completely, they just generally seem to be having so much fun working with the material I'm giving them which is such a relief as a new DM, because I was super afraid of boring them or doing something wrong having known none of them prior to hosting.
The main issue I'm having is with the other 2 PCs, one of them specifically being much worse than the other but they kinda come as pair having joined together as friends.
A little context before explaining the next part I'm 17F and these two players are 34M (who I'm gonna call B) & 31M (who I'm gonna call C). I have no problem with being the youngest of the group of 7, there's a range of ages of people closer in age to me as well as some in there early and late 20s, all a mix of men and women, but B & C do happen to be the oldest two.
B has been getting on my nerves since the first session we had, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt, chalking any interruptions or over eager attention grabbing as a first time player just trying to suss things out. When I got everyone to introduce their characters and explain any backstory, race features, personality all that fun stuff he seemed genuinely interested in playing so I was super hyped about having him as a player, he wanted to play a dwarven cleric, which I was interested in seeing, having a healer with a high AC is really helpful!
Campaign starts and I introduce the first encounter, giving an option for the party to run as they were only 2nd level with only their starting weapons and spells. B immediately attacks, no consulting the party, which is fine I guess, he's excited for combat and I'm pumped to run my first encounter. Party finishes first encounter, runs into the first NPC, a very important one that literally runs everything in the island their on, a little old woman sitting writing in the library.
I go to describe said little old lady and start to get into character, B immediately interrupts before I can finish my second word asks to behead her and rolls to attack. I'm running a pre bought campaign, not a clue how to to do a majority of things story progressing wise and this NPC is a very important pivot for plot. The other PCs are also appalled, wanting to enjoy their first ever NPC encounter, having many questions already about the place they're in and the encounter they've already had.
It becomes very apparent in the next few sessions that B is nothing but a murderhobo, supported by C who also thinks this is very entertaining, while the rest of the party have to spend every minute of their time watching the PCs and making sure they don't try to kill the plot and destroy everything in their sight in the process. My players have gone from having fun and being filled with excitement to having to watch B as a chore to ensure they can continue to play, going as far as to grapple and restrain him for half a session just to be able to investigate the area I had prepared without B killing the NPCs.
On top of this, in actual combat B is very impatient, constantly interrupting me on other players turns to ask if it's his turn yet. There's this unspoken rule that everyone very graciously follows, no phones at the table unless you need it for your character sheet, to check spells or something along those lines. B also constantly betrays that rule despite being asked not to, watching tiktok when I'm not directly addressing him, even answering phone calls in the middle of combat when it's not his turn and instead of leaving the room just talks over the table, again, despite being asked to leave the room if needing to answer phone calls or anything else that would cause disruption.
B's also been making me super uncomfortable, every week I come in he brags about his salary to me, even going as far as to pull up his pay slips in the middle of encounters (when it's not his turn) and interrupt another PCs turn to show me. I don't even give it the time of day anymore, it's rude to both me and the PCs and C is just as bad for supporting his actions.
It's annoyed me so much I brought it to the rest of the group and they all agree they're not the right fit for the party, they're both obviously looking for a combat heavy adventure which is not at all what I'm running. They bring very weird vibes to the table, C even messaging outside of the group chat we have (taking my number without my permission) and trying to start conversation. I ran into him after our session last week outside of the club with a friend as we coincidentally were in the same movie screening, and got a message afterwards asking if I would see a movie with him and his friends.
I don't know these people longer than maybe 6 weeks, only seeing them for 2 hours once a week. It's possible I'm reading into it and being overly cautious because of the sort of rep men have towards women in the gaming community, especially younger women, despite it being way better than previous decades past. The rest of the group do think it's weird though so I'm not alone in picking up the odd vibes two are bringing to the table.
TLDR: At the end of the day kicking them from the party is completely my decision as the DM and a smaller, well rounded, cooperative party is a lot easier to run with than murderhobos. I suppose my only fear is the backlash it might cause as I am running it in a school, funded by student services (the room we use, the dice, notebooks, handbooks, etc.) and kicking the two from the campaign may cause them to complain out of spite and get the whole club shut down, as they are both members of the student board.
submitted by i_love_cute_doggos to DnD [link] [comments]
New to DMing, only about 2 months and half the handbook into figuring stuff out and learning as I go along, players are very okay with this because they also know basically nothing as this is all their first campaign outside of a maybe 1 or 2 having played a one-shots before.
I have 7 PCs (I host in a school and had to turn away so many people) but thought I could deal with 7 as the campaign seemed pretty short and basic. Honestly despite the large number of people I still believe I could host it if the entire party was actually cooperative.
5 of the 7 are probably the best players I could hope for, being super open to suggestions, interacting with all my NPCs, causing just the right amount of chaos to have fun but not derail my campaign completely, they just generally seem to be having so much fun working with the material I'm giving them which is such a relief as a new DM, because I was super afraid of boring them or doing something wrong having known none of them prior to hosting.
The main issue I'm having is with the other 2 PCs, one of them specifically being much worse than the other but they kinda come as pair having joined together as friends.
A little context before explaining the next part I'm 17F and these two players are 34M (who I'm gonna call B) & 31M (who I'm gonna call C). I have no problem with being the youngest of the group of 7, there's a range of ages of people closer in age to me as well as some in there early and late 20s, all a mix of men and women, but B & C do happen to be the oldest two.
B has been getting on my nerves since the first session we had, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt, chalking any interruptions or over eager attention grabbing as a first time player just trying to suss things out. When I got everyone to introduce their characters and explain any backstory, race features, personality all that fun stuff he seemed genuinely interested in playing so I was super hyped about having him as a player, he wanted to play a dwarven cleric, which I was interested in seeing, having a healer with a high AC is really helpful!
Campaign starts and I introduce the first encounter, giving an option for the party to run as they were only 2nd level with only their starting weapons and spells. B immediately attacks, no consulting the party, which is fine I guess, he's excited for combat and I'm pumped to run my first encounter. Party finishes first encounter, runs into the first NPC, a very important one that literally runs everything in the island their on, a little old woman sitting writing in the library.
I go to describe said little old lady and start to get into character, B immediately interrupts before I can finish my second word asks to behead her and rolls to attack. I'm running a pre bought campaign, not a clue how to to do a majority of things story progressing wise and this NPC is a very important pivot for plot. The other PCs are also appalled, wanting to enjoy their first ever NPC encounter, having many questions already about the place they're in and the encounter they've already had.
It becomes very apparent in the next few sessions that B is nothing but a murderhobo, supported by C who also thinks this is very entertaining, while the rest of the party have to spend every minute of their time watching the PCs and making sure they don't try to kill the plot and destroy everything in their sight in the process. My players have gone from having fun and being filled with excitement to having to watch B as a chore to ensure they can continue to play, going as far as to grapple and restrain him for half a session just to be able to investigate the area I had prepared without B killing the NPCs.
On top of this, in actual combat B is very impatient, constantly interrupting me on other players turns to ask if it's his turn yet. There's this unspoken rule that everyone very graciously follows, no phones at the table unless you need it for your character sheet, to check spells or something along those lines. B also constantly betrays that rule despite being asked not to, watching tiktok when I'm not directly addressing him, even answering phone calls in the middle of combat when it's not his turn and instead of leaving the room just talks over the table, again, despite being asked to leave the room if needing to answer phone calls or anything else that would cause disruption.
B's also been making me super uncomfortable, every week I come in he brags about his salary to me, even going as far as to pull up his pay slips in the middle of encounters (when it's not his turn) and interrupt another PCs turn to show me. I don't even give it the time of day anymore, it's rude to both me and the PCs and C is just as bad for supporting his actions.
It's annoyed me so much I brought it to the rest of the group and they all agree they're not the right fit for the party, they're both obviously looking for a combat heavy adventure which is not at all what I'm running. They bring very weird vibes to the table, C even messaging outside of the group chat we have (taking my number without my permission) and trying to start conversation. I ran into him after our session last week outside of the club with a friend as we coincidentally were in the same movie screening, and got a message afterwards asking if I would see a movie with him and his friends.
I don't know these people longer than maybe 6 weeks, only seeing them for 2 hours once a week. It's possible I'm reading into it and being overly cautious because of the sort of rep men have towards women in the gaming community, especially younger women, despite it being way better than previous decades past. The rest of the group do think it's weird though so I'm not alone in picking up the odd vibes two are bringing to the table.
TLDR: At the end of the day kicking them from the party is completely my decision as the DM and a smaller, well rounded, cooperative party is a lot easier to run with than murderhobos. I suppose my only fear is the backlash it might cause as I am running it in a school, funded by student services (the room we use, the dice, notebooks, handbooks, etc.) and kicking the two from the campaign may cause them to complain out of spite and get the whole club shut down, as they are both members of the student board.