I got an invitation in the mail in a pretty purple envelope covered with flowers and shiny plastic gems. It was for a girls-only sleepover, something I'd never done before. At first, I was really excited, but then I saw that it was from Jane and Mary Bardell.
The twin girls were in my 7th-grade class. They were really quiet and rarely talked. Even though they didn't say much, you could still feel they were there. I remember sitting in front of them one day and feeling their quiet energy behind me.
The back of my neck started to tingle and feel hot. When I looked back, I saw Jane staring at me. Her deep-set dark eyes looked hungry, like she hadn't eaten in days and I was the meat dangling in front of her face. Mary also looked at me, and when she smiled, it almost seemed like she had fangs.
When they did talk, always in perfect unison, they sounded flat and without any emotion. But their serious looks and voices made me feel uncomfortable, and the room felt heavy. Luckily, they usually sat in silence at the back of the class.
One day, they just didn't come to school anymore and stayed home. Maybe their parents decided to school them at home. They lived across the street from me in a neat two-story brownstone house. Their lawn was well-maintained and protected by a sturdy five-foot iron fence.
The curtains in their house were kept closed tight. No light ever came out, even at night. But sometimes, on the second floor, a curtain would move, and I'd see the twins' pale faces looking out. We'd lock eyes for a moment before the curtain closed again.
After they stopped coming to school, some kids from our class started to go missing. First, it was Eddie, who vanished on his way home. Then Katy disappeared the same way. Both of them had walked past Jane and Mary's house before they went missing.
For some reason, I just had a feeling deep down that the twins had something to do with the disappearances. I even wondered if they were really human. Maybe they were vampires. Oh, yes, they were definitely vampires! It all made sense.
"You're going," my mom insisted at dinner when I told her I didn't want to go to the sleepover. I didn't see the point since I could sleep in my own bed. Why stay at someone else's house when I lived just across the street?
I groaned. "I don't want to go. They're so fucking weird.”
"Watch your language!" Both my parents warned me, giving me a serious look.
“It’s been difficult for that family,” Dad said, “The girls had to be pulled out of school because of an illness.”
“What kind of illness?”
“Their parents didn’t say what it was, but they said the girls would like to have friends.”
“Oh, those poor girls,” Mom sighed. “They just want to have a nice and normal sleepover party.”
I shook my head. “I don’t want to go.”
“You’re going.”
And that was that.
I wasn't hungry anymore and left my dinner unfinished. I headed straight to my room and glanced out the window. I saw their pale faces peeking through the curtain in their second-floor bedroom. I closed the blinds and turned off the light. There was no way I was going to their house without something to keep me safe.
XXXXXX
“Your house is really nice,” I remarked, placing my sleeping bag and pillow on the floor. I kept my backpack close, making sure the crucifix I borrowed from my parents was safely tucked inside one of its pockets. I really hope my mom doesn't realize it's missing.
I was the only one who had arrived at the Bardell’s house so far. Mrs. Bardell opened the door and greeted me with a big, never-ending smile that looked like it was permanently glued to her face. Her teeth showed through the wide grin, and her lips were covered in a thick layer of red lipstick.
“That's really nice of you," she responded with a smile. “I can see why you get along with my girls.”
Mary and Jane, seated across from me, both nodded and chimed in together, “Yes, she's great, Mom. We're happy we invited her.”
“So, when are the others getting here?” I asked.
“What others?” Mrs. Bardell appeared puzzled.
“Tammy and Harriette. They said you invited them too, and they promised they'd come.”
“Oh, they're not coming anymore. They called just before you arrived to let us know,” Mrs. Bardell explained. Her big, dark eyes moved between me and the twins. “Okay girls, just sit tight for a bit. Dinner will be ready soon.” Then she went into the kitchen.
Fantastic! Just fantastic! Some friends they are. Traitors!
“They didn't tell me…” I mumbled quietly, feeling betrayed. I quickly checked my phone and texted Tammy: So you're just not gonna show up?
The message was stuck on “sending…”
“Don't worry about it,” the twins reassured me. “We'll still have a great time tonight!”
Their idea of a good time was putting on a skit they had practiced the last few days. The twins disappeared upstairs, only to return dressed in their costumes. Mary had on a gray hoodie that I thought I'd seen before, and I noticed a dark crusty-looking red spot on the sleeve. Jane sported a baseball uniform. Mr. Bardell, wearing a smile like his wife, joined in the fun. He was down on all fours, wearing a dog mask that looked surprisingly lifelike.
I sat still on the sofa, feeling completely weirded out.
As Mary ambled around the living room, her hood shielding her face and her hands tucked in her pockets, Jane and Mr. Bardell engaged in a game of frisbee. Mr. Bardell crawled around like a playful pup, zooming across the room and even leaping over the couch. Quickly, I crouched down to avoid getting hit. He then sprang to his feet, his arms bent like a dog's, proudly holding the frisbee in his mouth.
Mary stopped and glanced back. “Cool dog,” she said.
“Thanks,” Jane said, mimicking a man’s low pitch. “What’s your name, son?”
“Eddie.”
My stomach sank. That was the name of our missing classmate.
“Would you like to play with him?” Jane continued.
“I should really get home, my mom–” said Mary.
“One throw won't hurt, would it?”
“I guess not.”
Jane grabbed the frisbee out of her dad's mouth and passed it to Mary. The frisbee soared into the dining room and plopped right onto a plate sitting on the table.
“Oh! It flew into my house,” said Jane.
“I'm sorry!” Mary said.
“That's okay, my daughters are getting a kick out of watching us.” Jane pointed up. “Do you see them over there? Second floor, window to the right.”
Mary waved.
“They told me you're a friend of theirs.”
“Not exactly friends… I mean, we went to the same school. I haven't seen them around in a while though.”
“Why don't you come inside and say hi?”
Before Mary could answer, Mrs. Bardell popped out of the kitchen, saying dinner was served. All eyes turned to me, waiting for me to make the first move.
XXXXX
Vote on the character's next move.

So I guess I officially have chronic spontaneous urticaria. It started in February - my hands and palms broke out in small hives. Localized to that area, and didn’t subside after 2 weeks. Went to the doctor and received 20mg cetirizine prescription. After a few days, the hives went away, so as instructed I stopped taking the meds. A few weeks went by and nothing.. so I figured it was an isolated event.
Then the end of March it came back, but with a vengeance. It’s every day, constant, covering most of my body. Arms and hands get the worst of it, but it’s also on my chest, stomach, feet, occasionally my face. Doctor ran bloodwork, and other than a very mildly elevated CRP, nothing has come back. I obviously started the cetirizine back up right away, but this time it made no difference.
Fast forward to now, my doctor has me trying Bilastine but so far no change, if anything it’s worse. It’s not absolutely crippling, it does usually wake me once or twice a night. Sometimes it’s itchy and other times it’s not really, which is strange. I’m more so confused as to why it’s happening, and can’t help but feel like there’s some underlying health thing going on because I just generally feel like crap these days anyway.
All along I’ve felt like this is just something that will eventually go away, but it’s starting to feel like it’s here to stay and that’s kind of overwhelming. I’d like to take some positive steps forward in my health to see if I can help heal myself, but I don’t have any idea where to start. What should be the main focus point, changing my diet? And to what? Vitamins? More water? Eliminate certain things?
I am about 8 months postpartum and under a substantial amount of stress, but those things can’t be changed. Any advice would be appreciated!

I believed in fairies as a kid. More than believed in them. I think something terrible happened to me, and I've just buried it until now.
Call me a typical emotion-bottling man, but I have never considered therapy. No matter what I went through, no matter how many times I thought to myself, verbatim, that I should talk to someone about this, I just never thought of it as an option. It simply wasn't on my roster. It was just one of those things that existed on a separate plane of existence than I was living in, never to cross paths or interact lest the universe collapse in on itself.
I have no problem with therapy, don't get me wrong. It isn't like I don't understand the overall appeal. I have plenty of friends who swear by it, swear it has helped them tremendously, including my wife. It just wasn't ever something I thought was in my cards.
"I just never really thought about it," I told Alice one evening, when she had brought the topic up once again after dinner.
There was a serene sense of peace wafting through the entire house that day, and I was feeling content. It was a Sunday, and swimming season, so we had dropped Emmie off that morning at the public pool for practice and gone straight to our favorite breakfast place. The rest of the day was filled with all the conversation that had built up over the week, all the topics we couldn't fully dig into with each other while babysitting our eight year old, and lounging, all crammed in between sporadic bursts of housework and paperwork we had to catch up on. It was the perfect day, in my humble opinion. It was a lovely moment of peace in the midst of a chaotic life, as is life with kids. And now the sounds of Mario Kart drifted in from the living room, Emmie's squeals cutting through the cheery music every now and then, causing Alice and I to share small smiles of acknowledgement.
Oh, to be a child again. Still a little drenched from a post-swimming shower, full of chili, eyes glowing with the reflection of a television screen.
"Well, maybe you should." My wife was scooping leftover chili into a Tupperware with a ladle. Her hair had been tied up like it was every day after dinner, as if she planned to run a marathon rather than do the cleaning up. She wasn't looking at me, dialed into the task at hand.
It's crazy how some parts of my memory could be so good, and others nonexistent.
I reached over from where I stood before the dishwasher, sliding my arm around her waist. She gave me a look, like, what?
"I just don't think it's for me, babe," I muttered, resting my mouth on her shoulder as if I was trying to skip her ears and speak right through her skin. "You know those things make me uncomfortable sometimes."
She let out a half groan, half sigh, setting down the container and the ladle and turning to face me, draping her arms over my shoulders.
"Everything makes you uncomfortable, John."
I smiled, letting my hands fall to her hips. I knew her frustrated act was just that, an act, at least for the most part.
"It's good for you," she continued pointedly, reaching up to tap her pointer finger against my forehead as I swayed her back and forth to a nonexistent tune. "Like medicine. And I know for a fact there are some things you need to work through."
I feigned offense. "You think I'm some kind of nut job?"
"Everyone needs therapy," she snarled, pulling out of my arms, but she didn't resist when I reached out and drew her back in. "Not just nut jobs."
And that was how most of those conversations went. Some got a little more heated, ending with a lightly slammed door (so as not to wake our daughter) and a whisper-shout of "this is why you need therapy!"
I feel I'm making it sound bad, but it wasn't. Even our more serious fights never quite felt like fights. They felt like playing. We were like two cats, biting and tackling and swishing our tails, but never baring our teeth to hiss. I never felt genuine, full-bodied anger towards her, and I knew she felt the same. It sounds sappy, but we were just very in love. I sometimes felt that we had never actually left the honeymoon phase.
I'm also making it sound like that conversation was incredibly common, and it wasn't. It came up maybe once every few months. I knew she was just looking out for me. She knew me better than anyone.
We had met through mutual friends, and we had initially bonded over our terrible childhoods. We both had moms who were out of the picture, and over emotional, over compensating dads, although this manifested in vastly different ways. Alice's mother left her father for a D-list rockstar type, following him on his state wide tour. She would sometimes send Alice letters or postcards from the road, although her dad wouldn't always let her keep them if they seemed to be stained with blood or seemed to have made contact with any strange white powders.
Her dad coped with anger. He never laid a hand on her, but his shouting and the sounds of glass bottles smashing against the walls kept her up almost every night. During the days he'd take her out, buy her things, go mini golfing and bowling and to the movies. Anything to seem more fun than her mother.
My mother passed away on my seventh birthday. She was driving home from work, which was at a law firm half an hour away from our house, when it began to rain. She was texting my dad her ETA when she ran a red light and a semi truck T-boned her, completely obliterating her car.
After that, everything changed. My seventh birthday could've been my twenty-first. At night it was the worst. I remember sitting with my dad as he cried, curled up in a sobbing ball on the filthy living room carpet, whimpering like a kicked puppy. He would scream and wail so loud the walls shook. He would say, over and over as if I wasn't hearing him, sometimes mumbling and sometimes shrieking, "She was cut in half. I'm sorry sir, she's gone. No, there's no chance she survived, she was completely cut in half."
The days were almost worse. During the day, when he could decrease the helpless wails into weeping at the very least, his attention turned to me. He tried to get something out of me, almost silently begging me to break down with him. Every other second it was, "How are you feeling, son? Do you understand what's happening? You poor thing, you must be devastated, your mommy is gone... Don't you want to cry?"
But I couldn't indulge, and I didn't want to. I had to wash the sheets, because he'd pissed them again, and I didn't want him to sleep in it and smell like pee when he took me to school the next day. I had to vacuum the carpet, so the next time he curled up on it and begged God to take him too, when he finally stood up, his cheek wouldn't be caked in crumbs and dust.
I don't know if I ever truly mourned. My mother's death was more like an absence, as if someone had taken a pair of scissors and carved a chunk out of my side, or snipped off a limb. I could still feel her, I could still talk to her, but all I got back was a deep ache and a crushing silence.
I hated how people reacted when I told them my mom was dead, and had been since I was a little boy. I hated the looks on their faces when they asked how she died, and when I told them. How their mouths fell open dumbly and their eyebrows twisted and contorted in sympathetic horror. "I'm so sorry, I didn't know," they said, as if there was vomit rising in their throats, and I wanted to say, "Well, you fucking asked, didn't you?"
Alice never reacted like that. In fact, she never really even asked me what happened. We were on our second date, nursing beers while leaning against the pool table a a dingy speakeasy, when she told me about her own mom. It was the first time in a long time I actually felt like the conversation was open, like I could respond and she would listen and care, but not too much. Not an uncomfortable amount. When I told her about my parents she didn't say anything, and her pretty face didn't contort. She leaned over the corner of the pool table and kissed me on the cheek, took my hand.
The day she found out she was pregnant, we promised each other to be better, to not let our child ever have to grieve alone or feel the very specific hopeless terror that only a parent can cause.
So maybe I should have listened to her. Maybe I should have gone to therapy the first time she brought it up, the first time she told me how it had helped her get through her own terrible memories. But if I'm being honest, I didn't think I had anything to get through. I had left it in the past, I had coped so far in my own somewhat crooked way, I didn't want to dig any of that back up. I didn't want to be put back in that place where I was expected to talk, to cry, to open up. It made my skin crawl just thinking about it.
"I was always the therapist," I would say to her with a crooked grin. "And I like it that way."
Then, the dreams started.
I could tell you I don't know what triggered them, I don't know why it was now. But that wouldn't be the truth. I know exactly why I started to remember.
At first, they were brief. Nightmares that I couldn't quite recall or explain, waking up disoriented and a little sick. The rest of my day would feel strange, like I was surrounded by a thick fog. Eventually, they started to wake me up in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat and screaming, scaring the shit out of my wife. Once I ran to the bathroom and threw up, barely making it to the toilet. That was when the word "therapy" came up again.
It feels like I've been in a coma for twenty years, and I'm just waking up now.
It's so strange how different the world looks to a child.
I believed in fairies as a kid. Laugh it up if you want. When I turned four, my aunt brought me this book - we've all had one, I think. It was one of those huge hardcover books filled with information about something mythical, with little patches of fabric to simulate a mermaid's scales or a dragon's claw.
Mine was about fairies, and it was so real to me. My mom would sit up with me later than she probably should have, reading to me, placing my hand on the textures to feel. I wanted to know everything about them, I became obsessed, and naturally, my parents played along. They bought me toys, books... every year I had a fae themed birthday cake, and any kid who dared to giggle behind their hands weren't invited to next year's celebration.
When I was old enough to use the internet, supervised of course, I began further research. My mom helped me navigate Wikipedia first, and they had plenty of information to sustain me for a while. My interest turned from wings and magical powers to different types of fae from every corner of the earth, mushroom rings and their alleged distaste for iron. While I still wasn't very good at reading, I would just look at the pictures until she got home from work.
When my mom died, the fairy memorabilia began to amp up. My aunt bought me new books, gave them to me wrapped and tied with ribbons with tear filled eyes, and my dad brought them up whenever he thought I needed comforting and felt strong enough to leave the house. "Wanna go look in the forest for fairies, son?"
I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I began to worship the fairies. I was convinced they lived in the forest behind my house, just behind each tree I looked at, hiding from me. I would spend my weekends escaping into the woods with a bucket and a cheap pair of binoculars, positive that this time, this day, I would see one.
At night, when my dad finally passed out in his own puddle of tears and other bodily fluids, I would pray to them. I never believed in God, we weren't a particularly religious family, and besides, I had seen what good He had done for my dad thus far. But I believed in the fairies.
I asked them for help with my father. I asked them for peace. I asked them to bring her back to me.
They never answered.
Until they did.
It was a Friday. I remember now, I'm not sure how I could have forgotten. After school I had sprinted into the shade of the trees before my dad could stop me, gripping the hem of my shirt in my fist, the thin fabric bearing the weight of two handfuls of the shiniest silverware and most colorful buttons I could find in our dusty cabinets.
I had a plan that day. I was going to lure them to me.
My path began in a clearing where I thought a ring of mushrooms may have begun to grow... but even without that, it was just the perfect spot for fairies. I could picture them flitting between the trees, chirping to each other happily, picking wildflowers to weave into flower crowns.
I walked backwards all the way back to my bedroom window, dropping another item every few steps. When I got inside and looked out my window, I could see my trail of shiny things curve through the overgrown grass in our backyard and disappear into the trees.
I was so excited, I could hardly contain myself. Tonight, surely, they would come to me. They would show themselves, and they would help me. But after another few late hours of coddling my father, finally convincing him to drink some water and get in bed, I was exhausted. I completely forgot about my plan. When I got to my room I collapsed on my mattress, not even bothering to undress before I closed my eyes.
Then I heard it. The scratching.
I opened my eyes. The moonlight shining through my bedroom window casted strange shadows across my ceiling, shadows of the swaying grass and the creaking trees.
It was strangely silent, other than the sound. Usually there was lots of noise, or at the very least a few crickets, but not tonight. Tonight, I realized, I couldn't even hear the wind.
I sat up slowly, as if in a dream, and looked toward my window. I couldn't see anything out there, nothing glaringly obvious at least, that could be making that noise.
The scratching turned to a tap. Tap tap tap, like a fingernail against a glass. It had a playful air to it, like someone was saying, look over here!
I stood, rubbing my eyes, and stumbled over. The tapping stopped abruptly when I got to the window and peered outside, out to the dark yard, pitch black if not for the moon's glow. The grass didn't sway, the trees didn't creak. I frowned and unlatched the window, sliding it up above my head.
I was right, there was no wind. Not even a gust. Everything was still outside, like it was frozen. I actually started to believe it was frozen, that time had stopped completely somehow, before I saw it.
My trail of silverware and buttons. Sparkling softly in the moonlight.
Disappearing.
It began where the path met the trees, curving off where I couldn't follow it anymore. A fork disappeared right before my eyes, right on the edge. Just vanished, as if someone who was invisible had picked it up and stuffed it in a pocket very quickly.
Then another went, a spoon. Then a particularly large gold button. Whatever was taking them was doing what I had wanted, it was taking my bait, it was coming to me. And it was as if whatever had tapped at my window had wanted me to see this, wanted to show me.
But something felt very, very wrong.
This wasn't how I had pictured it. There was no twinkling, tiny winged thing at my window, winking at me before dashing back into the safety of the trees. There were no secrets being whispered in my ear, no fairy dust or promises of better things.
Something about this wasn't right. It felt like a mimicry, almost a mockery, of what I had imagined. Like something was trying to give me what I wanted, but was rusty at it.
I didn't want this anymore.
My stomach twisted and my hands shook as I pulled the window back down slowly, watching more glittery things disappear from the grass, growing closer and closer. As soon as it was closed I quickly locked it and pulled the blinds shut, turning my back to the window as if something would happen that I didn't want to see.
Nothing happened. The deafening silence continued for a few seconds as my ears strained to hear anything else happening outside. Then the wind picked up, and the sounds of crickets, muffled by my closed window, filled the night air.
I don't remember when I fell asleep that night, I just know I felt unnerved and jumpy for a while. I woke up the next morning feeling guilty. Had the fairies really come last night? Maybe they had come to talk to me, to bring me gifts, favors, and what had I done? I had closed my window on them. I felt ungrateful. Why had I even been scared? Because it was dark outside? What was I, a baby?
When I opened my window and peered outside, I gasped. The trail of silverware and buttons was completely gone, all the way up to the last one, which I had placed on my windowsill. In its place was a shoe. I didn't know what kind of shoe it was, but it looked sort of nice, fancy. I remember smiling out the window as I opened it, as if they were looking, and taking my gift.
How could I forget that night? How could I have forgotten what happened after? I feel crazy, either like I made it all up or like I've made up everything since then, like my life isn't truly my own.
I remember telling my dad. I remember saying, "Dad, the fairies came last night!" and the absent smile he gave me.
Until I showed him their gift. The shoe. Instantly his face went pale and he snatched it from my hands, staring at me as if I was something unholy.
"Where did you get this, Johnny?"
"The fairies, dad, I told you!"
He didn't respond. Just gave me another long, solemn look, before turning away from me, still holding the present I received close to his chest. I was upset, but I knew better than throwing a tantrum. That would be too much emotion anyways, too uncomfortable. Even back then, I didn't know how to handle those things.
I didn't show him their gifts after that. I didn't want to risk having them taken away. I tried not to be scared of the fairies, even though they always came at night, but I didn't go to my window when they came anymore. I read everywhere that fairies didn't particularly like to be seen, even though this one seemed to want to be. It always began with tapping, but otherwise complete silence that almost felt like it was swallowing me... and eventually the tapping would stop, the silence would pass, and I would fall asleep. In the morning there was always another gift for me, sitting on my window sill. A sparkly gold ring, the other matching shoe, a hat... I smiled when I took every one, wanting them to know I was grateful. And I would leave things for them too, little sweets or shiny things like coins or paperclips that I found on the ground at school.
Things seemed to get better with my dad for a while. He kept to himself more, he was quieter. At night he would cry softly in his room, rather than his uproarious wails that I used to have to quell so the neighbors wouldn't come knocking. During the day, he would talk to me, but more casually. He didn't ask me how I was feeling anymore, or tell me to let it out.
I hoped this was the fairies. I felt invincible, like I had a secret superpower that no one knew about. I was friends with fairies.
Then one night, everything changed.
It started with the tapping, as always. That night I was fast asleep, catching up on well earned rest since the nightly therapy sessions had ceased.
The tapping woke me. It was that loud. It was louder than usual... but it seemed like it stopped abruptly as soon as I raised my head to look.
That was different...
That night, I had left my blinds up and my window open by accident. Since that first night, even though I wasn't scared anymore, I had always closed them... but this time, I must have forgotten.
It was silent outside. It seemed darker than usual. I could almost make out something, a shape, way on the other side of the yard, but it was too dark and I was too far away to tell.
That feeling from that first night retuned. A twisting like a hand reaching into my stomach and mixing things around, a heavy feeling in my chest like someone had stolen all of the air from my room, even though the window was open. The silence seemed to crush me, bearing down on me from every angle, making my ribs hurt.
The feeling that something was very wrong.
I don't remember deciding to stand: looking back, I have no idea why I would do that in my state of fight or flight. I don't know if I consciously chose to. I don't remember walking over, but I remember getting there, my hands on the windowsill and my head poking out into the completely still night air.
There was something there. On the edge of the trees. Right where I had seen that first fork disappear into thin air. I squinted, leaning further into the darkness to try and make out what it was.
When I finally did, the outline taking shape as my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I began to shake uncontrollably. I remember that I tried to scream, but no sound would come. I couldn't move, couldn't do anything but stare.
Two legs stood in front of the trees, facing me. Two legs, a blood-soaked pair of slacks, no shoes on the purple, swollen feet. And a jagged, violent rip in the torso where the rest of my mother's body had been severed from its lower half.
It took me a while to realize that the legs weren't standing on their own. They began to move, jerking clumsily toward the window, like something I couldn't see was struggling to hold them up. I finally forced myself out of my trance and fell to my carpet, vomiting.
I don't remember much else about that night yet. My dad came running when I started crying, I'm sure, but he didn't see what I saw. My mom's legs were gone, or hidden. Because they weren't for him.
They were for me.
We moved after that. Before now if you had asked me why we moved so far away so suddenly, I probably would have mumbled something about the grief, and it being too hard to stay where my mother had died. But I remember why now.
It was because the next morning, when I checked my windowsill, there was a hand. My mother's hand. Purple and stiff, and missing her gold wedding ring. Reaching, fingers rested against the glass, like it was trying to get in.
Like it had been tapping.
I don't want to think about what else it might have brought, had we stayed.
That thing, whatever it was, wasn't my mother, and it wasn't a fairy. I had invited something else with all my praying, with all my naive and innocent beliefs, and with all my bottled up emotions. I had invited it, and I had let it in.
And then I had forgotten everything. Maybe I bottled that up, too.
Now I remember. Now I'm having nightmares, and waking up with that sick feeling in my gut, my eyes jumping to our closed bedroom window.
Because a week ago, my daughter woke me up very early in the morning my jumping on our bed. A week ago, she shook me awake, her eager smile stretching all the way across her face. A week ago, she told me, "Dad, the fairies came last night!"
She showed me a doll, a ballerina, with a pink tutu and beautiful long blonde hair.
And now, with all these terrible memories hitting me like cold water to the face, only one keeps me awake at night.
I asked them for help with my father. I asked them for peace. I asked them to bring her back to me.
It has granted two of my wishes, in its own twisted way. My father grew distant from me and my mother was brought back in pieces.
I'm happy now. But I don't have peace. I don't think I'll ever fully have peace, at least not with a child and a wife to try and provide for, and not with all of these memories.
So what has it come back for?

I just went to wash my permethrin treatment off a couple of hours ago and felt intense itching on my finger. Washed it with sulfur soap immediately. Couldn’t see past the redness when I got out but now I see the little scratch like burrow. Is it possible that I got a new burrow DURING permethrin treatment or could it be one from yesterday before I applied it?
I also keep feeling the crawling sensation on one spot of my palm. Like intense. I know the crawlies is part of it but wtf. Never in the same spot like that and never that distinguished 😳

I was recently watching a random video giving a POV of a returning player without addons. The base UI has surely improved a lot in the latest years but some rough edges still remain.
WoW misleads new players to keybind wrong
Setting keybinds is one of the most unintuitive things for new players nowadays. I'm not talking about the new click-to-bind interface (which is great).
WoW is a game meant to have more than 20 keybinds. This is core WoW, it makes the game unique and it is not changing. IMO it is fine that the new player has to learn lots of abilities (also, easy content can be done with half of them).
On the other hand, some initial difficulty could be skipped by fixing the misleading initial keybinding experience. WoW just throws buttons in your bar, and even suggests the new player to use the numbers 0-9 for them. The game should initially hint the new player a better way of keybinding (using the keys around WASD + modifiers). The bad keybinding experience adds up to the already heavy load of learning dozens of abilities.
There are multiple variations on how this could be done. Keybinding presets? New keyboard UI? I won't delve into implementations, but anything is better than misleading new players to use the 0-9 keys!
Keybinding and offspecs
Another keybinding issue I'd like to point is related to more advanced players. On the game UI, buttons have 2 functions: displaying status (stacks, CD, buffs, a glow etc) and to be a keybind placeholder. A player may organize the buttons on his bar to reflect priorities (ex: put a very important ability that must be used on cooldown on the first spot). This is bricked if the player wants to play multiple specs of the same class.
Ex: Let's say the spot 1 on a mistweaver bar is renewing mist, bound at Q. On windwalker is fists of fury, bound at 3. You can't now have both at spot 1 of you bar, since they have different keybinds. People currently fix this by using Weakauras as buttons. The WA is used for the status display, and the button is used solely for keybinding, and often hidden.

This is for a fighting style around a fire CE trait.
Firefly is a 1st grade sorcerer, who prefers to fight long range. He does not have a technique, but his CE has the same properties as fire. The temperature of the fire can be controlled roughly, with the max temperature automatically turning to RCE. The stronger the fire, the more CE is consumed.
Long range technique-Finger guns. •The user makes the same gesture as a finger gun. After building up enough CE, he points a a target and releases a beam of fire on the target. The smaller the beam, the more potent the attack, and wider the range.
Movement technique- Flash steps •After concentrating CE and releasing it at the feet and hands, the user can boost movement speed and sort of jump around through the air like maki and sukuna. This can also be used in fights to create distance, and strengthen attacks.
Retreat technique- Fiery haze •This is similar to a flashbang. The user either clasps both hands together, or this can be after clenching their fists. Gathering extreme heat in their palm, the user then releases it resulting in a blinding light from the fire. This is usually used in tandem with flash steps to get some distance if an enemy approaches.
Anti domain technique- Fire fist •The user combines DA with his CE properties. Mainly reserved for encountering domains, the user also uses this to cancel out the opponents technique when forced to fight in close range.

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Qin Bai's grin stretched wide, baring his teeth as he bellowed, "Fire Snake!" The forceful shout reverberated through the air. Strange glowing words materialized before him, pulsing with an ethereal light as they drew wisps of qi from his body like tendril sof smoke.
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An engulfing blaze erupted forth, contorting itself into the unmistakable shape of a serpent's head - its maw agape, fangs bared menacingly.
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The fiery construct was roughly the size of a human palm but radiated intense heat, causing the air around it to shimmer and distort.
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It shot towards Ji Wuye, covering the distance of two zhang separating them, neither sluggishly nor with blinding speed due to their close proximity.
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However…
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[!] Your passive skill, Quick Adaptation(F), has been triggered! 

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A shimmering screen flickered into existence before Ji Wuye's eyes as his passive Quick Adaptation skill triggered. Time itself seemed to slow to a crawl around him.
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‘A skill called Fire Snake, huh...’ Ji Wuye mused inwardly, his gaze coolly assessing the blazing serpent.
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Based on its name and arcane appearance, it was evident this strange ability had been obtained from the Tower. A pity that Qin Bai had squandered nearly all his funds on such an unfamiliar skill.
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As the fiery snake wound its way inexorably towards Ji Wuye, its form resolved into countless flickering particles, each tendril of flame etched vividly into his mind's eye.
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He could easily trace its trajectory back to the source - Qin Bai's sneering visage. Though malice flashed in his opponent's eyes, Ji Wuye remained unmoved, his expression an impassive mask.
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Focusing intently on the immediate threat, he rapidly calculated vectors and angles. The serpent aimed squarely for his head, no doubt hoping to gain an early advantage through shock or injury.
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While its core burned with the hottest, most Qi-dense flames, it also betrayed weaknesses.
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To slash directly at it and attempt to dissipate its force risked revealing that he had already formed his Lower Dantians, elevating him beyond the first realm - knowledge he wished to keep concealed for now.
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Rolling to dodge was possible but would put him at a further positional disadvantage within the sect's grounds.
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As for parrying, the simple wooden sword would never withstand the scorching heat, inevitably leading to burns on his palm.
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Ji Wuye watched the sinuous dance of the flames, tuning his mind to their hypnotic rhythm until he noticed a fleeting opening - not a hasty flicker but an intentional, calculated lull in the serpent's movements.
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By harmonizing with that timing rather than opposing force with force, he could seamlessly redirect its momentum.
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A ghost of a smile tugged at the corners of Ji Wuye's lips as a strategy took shape. Before facing this unorthodox 'test,' it would be prudent to maintain his low profile.
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The fiery construct closed the gap with a searing rush of air -
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SWOOSH!
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Despite himself, Ji Wuye felt a bead of sweat trickle down his brow as the intense heat washed over his skin.
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An involuntary step back, a momentary lapse of balance, and he stumbled, falling backwards to land firmly on his rear - the tip of his wooden sword angling skyward as he did so.
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With an abrupt STAB of flame, the fire snake struck the upraised blade and dissipated in a blinding flare, the attack fizzling out mere inches from Ji Wuye's face.
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WHOSP-!
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[>>[QUICK ADAPTATION(F)]<<] The proficiency of your passive skill has been increased by 0.01%! 

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[>>[QUICK ADAPTATION(F)]<<] The proficiency of your passive skill has been increased by 0.01%! 

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[>>[QUICK ADAPTATION(F)]<<] The proficiency of your passive skill has been increased by 0.01%! 

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Gasps of shock and confusion rippled through the gathered crowd as they witnessed Qin Bai's use of strange, hidden art - and the unexpected, almost nonchalant way Ji Wuye had deflected the blazing attack merely by falling in an apparently clumsy manner.
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"What?!" Qin Bai himself was momentarily struck dumb, blinking in disbelief. But the combative haze swiftly reasserted itself and he clicked his tongue in annoyance. "Lucky bastard..." he muttered beneath his breath.
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Annoyed by Ji Wuye's seeming stroke of dumb luck, Qin Bai's face flushed an angry crimson. Seizing on his opponent's moment of confusion from the dissipated fire snake, he rushed forward with reckless abandon.
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"Heh! Know your place, weakling!" Qin Bai sneered, shifting into the opening stance of the Meridian March form - the same move and posture he had used to brutally attack Song Jia earlier.
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His wooden blade slashed down in a vertical line as he launched himself into the air, aiming to capitalize on Ji Wuye's disadvantageous position.
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"Eh?" But to Qin Bai's surprise, Ji Wuye seemed to anticipate the attack. With a slight sidestep to the right, he deftly evaded the wooden sword's whistling descent.
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THUD!
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Before Qin Bai could even land from his leaping strike, the seemingly clueless Ji Wuye began smoothly rising to his feet from the ground.
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In a cruel twist of fate, Ji Wuye's head ended up directly beneath Qin Bai's exposed chin as the larger boy dropped awkwardly from his botched attack.
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"F*ck!" Qin Bai's curses reverberated through the Outer Disciple courtyard as he foresaw his chin about to collide squarely with the crown of Ji Wuye's skull.
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THUD-!
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With a sickening impact, Qin Bai's body crumpled bonelessly, the wooden sword tumbling from his limp grasp to clatter uselessly on the hard-packed earth.
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"Eh? Brother Qin?" Ji Wuye blinked in apparent confusion, looking perfectly unharmed as he gazed down at Qin Bai's unconscious form, eyes rolled back.
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"Ji Wuye, the winner!" Wu Gao's declaration rang out, unleashing a collective gasp of disbelief from the gathered crowd before a rising tide of raucous cheers and excited chatter erupted.
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"Wow! Junior Ji actually won!"
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"Heheh, just as I expected from my esteemed Junior Brother!" A giggling female disciple trilled happily, seemingly unconcerned about the finer details and focused solely on the outcome.
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"What in the heavens actually happened there??"
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"Amazing! Brother Qin, your techniques looked so impressive. We should definitely try obtaining some of those secret art from that Tower!"
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The male disciples were clearly divided - some continuing to tease Ji Wuye about his apparent beginner's luck, while others marveled admiringly at the powerful skills apparently available from the Tower.
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In the midst of the celebratory hubbub, Ji Wuye found himself unexpectedly surrounded by a throng of delighted female disciples congratulating him on his victory and expressing concern for any injuries.
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But his attention was quickly diverted by a subtle shift in the crowd's energy as a new presence arrived.
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Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed the Elder who had been observing from the staircase had silently departed during the ruckus.
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‘This should be enough to fool them for now...’ A faint, satisfied smile played across Ji Wuye's lips as he contemplated the events to come.
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Lost in his thoughts, the bustling sounds and animated chatter around him abruptly fell to an awed hush. Ji Wuye snapped back to alertness, his gaze falling upon a striking figure striding towards him with measured, purposeful steps.
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It was a young woman who exuded an aura of quiet strength and poise. The disciples surrounding Ji Wuye immediately backed away with deferential murmurs, their expressions a mix of deep respect and thinly-veiled trepidation.
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"Greetings, Senior Sister Mu!"
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“You’re always in the way.” She remarked crudely, an edge to her voice that sounded steely and unfamiliar. I stood still, biting my tongue as her words reverberated in my head.
“...What?” I managed to mutter, my mouth agape and my tone unassuming. She whipped her head around, dark eyes boring mine as I stared at her, dumbfounded. Sunlight poured through the window, making otherwise invisible dust visible as it danced in the air. The light framed her silhouette, a thin line of yellow outlining her figure yet failing to confine the darkness emanating from her.
“What do you mean ‘what?’ No matter what I do, or where I go–mental or physical, literally or metaphorically, you are always in my way,” Her tone began to rise as if climbing stairs, a vein bursting on her forehead. I swallowed, my tongue feeling like sandpaper against the roof of my mouth. “I feel like I’m always so close. I’m always this close to getting away from you–to being happy! Feeling some sort of bliss! But no, it’s short lived… because somehow, by some means, you get in my fucking way every. Single. Time!” She screeched, only a few feet away from me now. My feet remained glued to the floor as I tore my eyes away from hers, blinking rapidly and rubbing my eyes as if something had gotten in them. I shifted my weight to either foot, running my hands through my hair, still looking down, afraid to face the scowl that awaited my gazes return.
“Darling, I’m sorry, I love y–”
“No, no, no! That’s what you always do, you sweet-talk your way out of every knot you get yourself into but not this time! Why aren’t you listening to me? You’re hearing what I’m saying, but you’re not LISTENING! LISTEN! LISTEN, GODAMMIT, LISTEN TO ME!” Her screams reached their crescendo before she broke down into sobs, hastily rubbing her eyes as black rings formed around them. I opened my mouth to respond, only to realize it had been open the whole time. She sighed as she collapsed to the ground, her body dropping like a ragdoll before she looked up at me sullenly. “What? Nothing to say?” She asked expectantly.
“I… what can I do? To fix this?” I looked at her hopefully, reaching my hand out so as to help her up. The exhausted look in her eyes faded as they now ignited with rage, an ear-splitting scream escaping her lips as she made her way to her feet.
“GET OUTTTTTTT! GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT NOW! NOW, NOW, NOW!” She exclaimed shrilly as she pointed at the front door, stomping to enunciate every word. My ears became hot as my eyes widened, her tan complexion now donning a tomato-red tinge. Only silence managed to follow as I failed to move or find the right words–silence, only to be broken by two distant voices beyond the floorboards.
“God, don’t tell me it’s the Lawson’s again…”
“Of course it is, honey, that couple’s a nightmare.”
“So much for being newlyweds, right?”
“You got that right. Remember when we got married?”
“We actually liked each other.”
The two voices broke into snickers, the echoes of their snarky remarks a distant memory as I saw the look in her eyes. Her dark eyes twinkled as they brimmed with tears that threatened to pour out, her mouth quivering as she sniffled, trying to keep her composure.
“Just… go, Dylan. Go… please. This was a mistake.” I watch her hopelessly as her words trail off, her lithe figure walking into our bedroom and out of my view.
Her bedroom, as of right now.

A flicker of light started to drain away the darkness I was so used to. The darkness where I felt most comfortable and at peace. The flicker slowly enveloped the entire pitch black room within minutes. I could do nothing but sigh in disappointment and open my eyes.
My adjusting eyes were being harassed by the tiny beam of light that made it through my curtain. Where it's at the precise angle that you swear some higher power is just messing with you.
My groggy eyes focused on the clock, it was 7:00 a. M.
Time for work.
The day was April 14th, 2014. A Monday. I knew I only had about an hour to get up, get ready for work, shower, make breakfast and make sure I get to work a few minutes early so I didn't clock in late.
I was only 28 years old and I hated my sales job. I had gone to college and got my marketing degree but I never thought I'd end up here.. selling bullshit products at incredibly hiked prices to unsuspecting or oblivious customers.
I had been doing this job for 3 years and it felt like everyday was just going to be worse. Just a buildup of hatred for your job overtime is natural I guess. Typically people find ways to cope with the constant 9-5 grind. Like going out with friends or clubbing or whatever...but I had none of those.
When my days ended I would go home and watch Netflix and drink then do it all again. I wish it was different, I wish I had the motivation to change myself. But it's difficult when you have no one to support you in your efforts. My mom died from breast cancer when I was 12. Seeing her on hospice for several months suffering from stage 4 cancer was...something you shouldn't see as a 12 year old. To see your once lovely, athletic, hilarious, loving and caring mother degrade into an 85 pound, drug-induced, horrifyingly thin creature that in no way resembled her from my memories of when she was cancer free.
I remember one morning my dad woke me up and said "come to the living room...your mother is taking her last breathes". As soon as he finished that sentence, my memories flooded back...memories of her taking care of me when I was sick, being at my soccer games cheering me on, asking how my day was when I got back from school, leaning on her shoulder as we sat in church. The memories came and went in an instant and the reality set in. My heart at first skipped a few beats but then accelerated to an unhealthy pace. My head started to spin, tears slowly started swelling up on my eyes.
I had jumped off the bed and sprinted to the living room. She was facing away from me and the first thing I noticed are how purple/ blue her feet are. I walk around the hospice nurse and look at my mother's face. She was place, her breathing was almost non-existent for almost 2 minutes but still there...until it wasn't...she was gone.
I was lost, my dad was bawling. I was crying too but at 12 years old I didn't know how hard the reality would hit as time goes on.
In my lost state, I turned on the TV show "MONK" on the laptop. It was a show my mom and I used to watch, and I figured watching it would make me feel like I'm with her again.
Time went on and I realized how losing a mother truly impacts your younger years. But time still, moved on yet.
I got in my car and left for work. The drive to the office was only about half an hour. I put my sunglasses on as I'm travelling east for almost the entire drive, something I was used to by this point. The drive to work was uneventful other than the usual jackass that cuts you off or is speeding down the road.
I made it to work and stepped out of my car. For some reason, grabbed my backpack and shut the door. For some reason the thought of my mother came across my mind. The sighed, looked down at the ground and stared at the concrete for the few seconds while only thinking of how I missed her. Then the thought vanished and I got on with my life.
The day was incredibly boring, only sold a couple of products, I dealt with people in the east coast of the U.S. and customers there are always so nasty and rude with their comments. It's impossible to build rapport with them. I'm jealous of the employees that have West coast as their territory.
The day ended with my last call but no sales for the day. Hopped in my car and drove back home.
Now I've already told you what I do when I get home. Just drink and watch Netflix. And that's exactly what I did. I can't remember the name of the show( probably because I was already tipsy) but it had to do with strange phenomenons.
I don't even remember passing out but I do remember being there in that dark room again; it was so comfortable and cozy. I sat in the corner of the room with eyes wide closed ...no people, nothing to disturb me, just... nothingness of warmth.
For hours this went on until I heard a woman's voice saying "I'm glad you're here". suddenly realizing that I had overslept my body jolted awake, completely forgetting about that eerie voice. Drinking on a Monday night is not a good idea. Blurry and in a haze trying to concentrate my focus I made out the clock saying 7:00 a.m. April 15th, 2014.
I thought how odd that was. I've been doing the same job with the same schedule for 3 years now and I know when I oversleep. Yet knowing this brought a mental smile to my mind, as my supervisor won't get on my ass for showing up late, again.
I got up lazily and stretched and got on with my morning routine. Finally got dressed and hopped in my car to leave for work. I was only about 5 minutes in when I realized something was off...why was I wearing sunglasses? The sun was behind me, not in front. I took my glasses off and read my car dashboard compass; "EAST".
I have taken this drive for 3 years now every Monday through Friday and I had always worn sunglasses for the drive to the office. I looked behind me and saw the sun rising from the west.
I was still calm, but subconsciously I could tell my panic and anxiety were building with what I was experiencing. I decided to pull over at a gas station, took my phone out and opened my GPS. 'I was still facing east.
I quietly stated "what the fuck". I looked up and asked the person next to me pumping gas " look! The sun! It's rising from the west" with an ecstatic and speedy tone. He looked at me with a smile on his face and said "yeah? Don't ya know it's always rose from the west".
The reality of this was starting to set on, anxiety building, I got back in my car and just sat there... Running my hands through my hair, pulling and stretching my face wondering what the hell was happening? My eyes were staring wide at the brake and gas pedal...trying to find some kind of logical explanation for this while still running my hands over my face and hair.
I decided to take my phone out again and click on trending news hoping to see something explaining or even acknowledging this phenomenon. Nothing. I opened Google search and looked up "sun rising in west" the first thing that popped up said Earth is rotating about its own axis from East to West".
This wasn't right.
I figured I would try to get to work and maybe one of my coworkers would have some answer. My entire body was shaking for the entire drive but I made it".
I got out of the car and the strangest thing came across my mind. A memory. A very unique memory of back when I was 12, in the back yard playing capture the flag with my neighbor that lived behind me. A time which I could go back when.
The memory came and vanished in an instant, but left the overwhelming feeling of nostalgia and sadness.
I walked into the office and started asking around about the sun. Again, none of them knew what I was talking about, but before they answered my question, they would say "oh hey, it's nice to have you here" or "we're glad to have you here" all with a smile on their faces.
Not super weird as my coworkers are typically super energetic happy people. But it did become weird when my east coast clients started answering their phones saying "hey, you're always welcome here"
I couldn't see their faces but I could tell by their tone and attitude that they were smiling. This was not normal. I rushed to the bathroom, opened a stall and sat on the toilet. I started having a panic attack. Nothing was right, the people, the sun, the specific memories... I started to run my hands over my face, stretching and contorting it, trying to calm myself down with feeling my heart bursting out of my chest. I started to whimper, I didn't want anyone outside of the stalls to hear me. None of my coworkers were right, the guy at the gas station wasn't right...nothing. years swelled up in my eyes and a brief memory of my mom came back.
It was me, coming home from school, I walked inside and could smell the pizza she was making. I see and her and asks me hey, how was your day?".
This memory helped calm me down from the wreck I was turning into. I took several deep breaths, tried my very best to compose myself, and stepped out of the stall. I ended up taking some paper towels and wiped away the tears that were caught in my eyes.
I decided that I will just try to finish this day because tomorrow everything would be back to normal...I have to reassure myself that I would be, I just knew it would be....it had to be.
I sat down back at my desk and my phone rang, picked it up and a voice came through. The voice of my mother asking " I am so glad you are here, Luke".
I was frozen, shocking, tingly sensations ran through my entire body. My demeaner instantly changed into fight or flight mode...but I chose the 3rd... freeze.
Phone still up to my ear, I heard her speak again. "Oh honey, Luke my sweet boy, don't you remember?".
I didn't reply verbally, but mentally I was thinking "remember...what the hell is...remember what?"
Then she spoke one last time, "last night, you saw the sun".
Then the memory of the night before races back into my mind. I was on my drive home from work, watching the beautiful sunset over the horizon. With all it's beautiful mixtures of orange, red, purple. I was so just staring at it...in a trance, thinking of how I wanted to go back and just be a kid again, play with my back door neighbor, come home to my mom. Why couldn't I just go back?
I suddenly hear a blaring car horn and then blackness.
I believe I died on April 15th, 2014. And I don't mind it. I like being in this black empty room just sitting in the corner..with nothing but warm emptiness to fill my cold shell. I like feeling the embraces of it's comfort over the tiring lifestyle I was living. My only dream was that I could dream forever...and now it's finally been achieved.
I miss my mother, and I know she misses me, the memories I have of her will keep me warm in this blackened wasteland forever.

Katana Chance vs Natalya
Results: With the recent release of her tag team partner, Katana now finds herself going solo, with a big test with the veteran Natalya. Natalya controls the early part of the match, her experience clearly an advantage. In the end Katana manages to pull off the win after hitting an impressive 450 splash
Winner: Katana Chance
__________
We get a short hype video for Giulia, showing she has been dealing with some injuries during the IC title tournament recently but now is fully healthy and coming for gold
__________
We cut to Julia Hart backstage and Skye Blue approaches her
Skye: Hey, where is Karmen at?
Julia: Didn't she come with you?
Skye: No I haven't talked to her all week I thought she was with you.
Both women seem confused and go off together to look for their ally Karmen Petrovic
__________
Sasha Banks is in the ring and introduces her returning friend Bayley, once Bayley is in the ring the duo talk about how they are back together to reclaim the Women's Tag Team Titles and lead that division.
As the pair talk suddenly "Secrets" by Robert Quickenden begins to play, and out walk the debuting tag team of Killer Kelly and Masha Slamovich, known together as MK Ultra.
They get in the ring and just as they are about to speak they rush Sasha and Bayley attacking the pair. After a brief brawl, officials and referees run out and separate the two teams.
__________
Rhea Ripley vs Skye Blue
Results: Rhea seems to be on a mission to take out some anger after being screwed over in the IC Title tournament as she is all over Skye. Skye Briefly gets the upper hand but Rhea takes back over and delivers a huge Riptide for the win
Winner: Rhea Ripley
__________
New Intercontinental Champion Liv Morgan is backstage with Dominik Mysterio, when suddenly they are approached by Dakota Kai
Dakota: We have known each other awhile Liv, never knew you were such a coward and need someone like Dominik to help you win
Dominik: Hey do not talk to Liv that way, show her some respect
Liv: It's ok Dom, Dakota I simply did what was needed to get what I deserve, if you have a problem with that... do something about it
Dakota: Get what you deserve? that is an interesting phrase
Dakota then slaps Dominik in the face and walks off, Dominik holding his face as Liv stares down Dakota
__________
Alexa Bliss vs Zelina Vega
Results: Zelina & Dakota recently agreeing to put their tag team goals on pause and agree to both get back into singles action, and Zelina is in a big spot against a decorated former champion. These 2 go back and forth and in the end it is a sneaky rollup with her feet on the ropes that gives Bliss the cheap win.
Winner: Alexa Bliss
__________
The Women's Champion Tiffany Stratton is in the ring with the Tag Team Champions Cora Jade & Roxanne Perez, they start to cut a promo about still holding so much gold and how they are the dominant team in WWE
When suddenly, "Toxic" begins to play and out walk Mandy Rose, Gigi Dolin and Jacy Jayne, the trio known for their time in NXT get in the ring face to face with the trio of champions
Mandy: It has been awhile since the 3 of us have stood side by side, but we are back together and we are ready to run WWE just like we ran NXT, and there is nothing anybody ca--
Mandy gets cut off as some strange music begins to play, the lights cut to a dark red colour, as all 6 women start looking around. The big screen then cuts black then in gold lettering we see "The Revolution Is Coming"
This stays for a few seconds before the music stops, the lights return normal, and all 6 women are looking around the arena as if expecting some kind of run in.
Smackdown ends in a pile of confusion and speculation

Soulmage

I wanted to leave without a word, because there was a part of me that still thought I was right, and if I spat that venom at Cienne I'd only sicken him more. Then I wanted to write a letter, because I'd tried to make Cienne's choices for him one too many times, and taking my last words away from him stank too much of glass shards and festered bile.
So in the end, there was only one choice that gave back Cienne some of the control I'd wrested from him. There would be no vanishings in the night. No envelopes on pillows with salt-stained pleas.
I knocked on Cienne's door during a frigid, thin-aired noon.
"Lucet?" I heard a thunk twenty pounds heavier than I expected. He was taking to the treatments well. The treatments I'd tried to keep from him. "Everything okay?"
And fuck, things had gone so wrong between us that the first thing he asked was that. "Honestly? Not really. But if you don't want to talk, I'll leave."
I held a slip of paper between my fingers. If he didn't want to talk, I'd slip it into the Plane of Calm when I left. Hiding my last words in a place he'd only reach if he was unshakeable was the least I could do to ensure my absence wouldn't be sprung on him when he was already knocked down.
But the door opened before I could cast a spell, and Cienne was in his neatly-tidied room, his Redlander's robes pooling around his feet. Waves lapped at the warm sand of his soul, and he stepped back in an unspoken invitation.
The paper crinkled in my hands, and I shook my head. "If I step into that room I'm not going to be able to leave," I blurted out.
Cienne tilted his head, lips pursing, and I could see my soul reflected in his eyes, all back-alley bilgewater and broken bottles. The realization swelled inside him like a bubble of magma, boiling his idyllic beach into mist and quartz. "You're leaving the city," Cienne finally said.
I had an entire letter working up to that revelation, and he saw through me in an instant. "I wrote an explanation, if you don't want to hear it from me now, but—"
"If that would make it easier for you," Cienne began, then grimaced. "...no. No, I want to hear it from you. Why you'd rather die by inches rather than let Zhytln treat you, you stubborn—" He cut himself off.
"Go ahead," I said.
"Like hell I will. You came here to say something, and I want to hear you out."
I took in a deep breath, then looked down at the words in my palms. I could drop them and run, and Cienne wouldn't get in my way because only one of us tried to stop people from taking the medicine they needed, and that was the coward's way out and if there was one thing I would never again be it was a coward.
"Okay." I wish I could have met his eyes while I spoke, but truth be told I'd stammer and stutter and shy away if I had to improvise this, so I looked down at my letter and began to read.
Cienne, it simply began. If you're reading this, I'm already gone. I skipped that part, true though it was, and read aloud from the second sentence. "You're building a life here, and I can't be part of it. Because you're finally happy and healthy and safe and content, and there are things I need to do that won't let me ever be any of that."
Cienne's hands twitched, as if reflexively he wanted to reach out to me, to comfort me like he had so many times before. Before. Before we'd clashed. Before he knew what it meant to be a riftmaw.
"Part of me wanted to hide where I'm going for your own good," I continued, and I was glad now that I had an excuse to look anywhere but at Cienne. "But I don't get to decide that for you. So while you're living your life on the docks of Knwharfhelm, the same abomination of an institution that gave us cancer and killed Sansen is still murdering and brainwashing and claiming the moral high ground while they're at it. And I'm going to steal their medicine and wreck their war machine and show them what a pissed-off soulmage with nothing to lose can do. And this is where both of us belong. You enjoying your freedom and health. Me trying to win that for everyone who didn't escape. Because that's why I'm doing this. For the people like you who never found their peace. And for the one who did."
Lines of frost crept from my fingertips, ink twisting into brittle runes. I looked up at Cienne, as if he would convince me to change my mind, to take Zhytln's treatment and stay in the struggling, growing household he'd made.
Maybe there was once a Cienne who would have asked me to stay. But I'd killed that man on the docks of Knwharfhelm.
"...Will you talk to Meloai and Sansen before you go?" Cienne finally asked.
"I knew I'd only be able to do this once."
Cienne closed his eyes.
"Then go," he finally said. "And when you see Witch Aimes..."
His brows creased, eyelids twitching, and his soul shuddered and wrenched. He never finished his sentence.
"I'll know what to do," I said. I almost reached out to take his hand.
But his soul was placid and still once more. I'd disturbed him enough already.
So I drew a line in the air, peeling open a rift between our home and the streets of Knwharfhelm, and took my first step towards the Silent Peaks.
A.N.
Updates will happen when they happen. Thanks for sticking along.
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Last week's post https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1cqj7kc/roundup_ufos_anomaly_network_app_countries_colors/
Archive
Moon phase waxing crescent, three days before half
Mars Right Ascension 0h 37m 40s
.1 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1cqjbim/strange_explosions_in_the_sky/ sighting description, no craft, at home, urban area, England the UK 🇬🇧, nighttime, flareup, appeared out of nowhere, explosion, it was like an ourburst, almost like when a coronal mass ejection happens, the explosion went one way, covering half a circle going outwards. , brief duration 1-2 seconds, repeat visitor or second object, two witnesses, Around 5 min later it happened again, this time in another part of the sky., has anyone seen?
.2 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1cqjmwu/remote_viewing/ discussion of remote viewing, perplexing success, I’ve been playing a remote viewing app for two weeks and want to know how it is working. I keep getting it right.
.3 https://old.reddit.com/StrangeEarth/comments/1cqj2p8/strange_blue_cloud_over_bostonquincy_last_night/ video, nighttime sky, cloud anomaly, blue 🔵, from car, stationary, urban area, near Boston, quincy Massachusetts
.4 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1cqj6la/a_look_into_the_special_tactical_unit_detachment/ original research, documents, "Special Tactical Unit Detachment" , S.T.U.D.S. within Air Force budget requests
.5 https://old.reddit.com/StrangeEarth/comments/1cqktez/immense_beam_of_light_moving_across_the_moon/ sighting description, moon anomaly, contemporaneous report, has anyone seen?, pale white beam almost imperceptibly across the face of the crescent moon, traversing the face of the moon, vertical orientation
.6 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1cqltyg/great_basin_experience/ sighting description, Great Basin National Park in eastern Nevada, nighttime, unusual animal activity Western Jay comes out of nowhere and gets mad at my presence. He's sailing around my head, making a racket. Normally I love birds, but this thing is freaking me out. After 5 minutes of this it flies away into the distance., subsequent single light object, ascending from horizon, approach, silent, duration 8 minutes,
.7 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1cqm8s5/uap/ video, nighttime sky, single light object, very bright, contemporaneous report, northern lights, moving fast, silent, beetle 🪲 shape,
.8 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1cqz2hb/all_the_relevant_uap_updates_from_may_612/ information, state of disclosure USA https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1cqd2yw/mexican_and_peruvian_ufo_hearing_roundup_slow/ state of disclosure, Mexico and Peru
.9 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1cqv3p4/seen_above_my_house/ photos, nighttime sky, single light object, over the witness home, silent, right angle turn, ascending, west coast of scottish highlands near the Island of Mull, Scotland the UK 🇬🇧, contemporaneous report, similar sighting same day in comments https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1crqcay/unknown_in_sky/ video, single light object, low over treeline, plane for comparison observed, over Oban,Scotland, downvoted to zero
.10 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1cqmotu/ufo_in_linekin_bay_boothbay_harbor_maine_847pm/ video, nighttime sky, contemporaneous report, northern lights, single light object moving slowly, kept moving in short bursts and pausing in one spot. Then moved again. , moving and stationary and moving, subsequent repeat visitor or second object, two witnesses, over water, linekin Bay, Boothbay harbor Maine https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1cr1oml/ufo_linekin_bayeast_boothbay_harbor_maine_5112024/ more video, previous night
.11 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1cqmwax/hoping_this_sub_can_identify_what_i_saw_today/ sighting description, daytime, contemporaneous report, central Illinois, Duration 20 seconds, single dark object, possible manta shape, all black and shaped like a bird, moving fast and straight, disappeared into clouds, silent, similar sighting same day in comments
.12 ➡️ https://old.reddit.com/aliens/comments/1cqwpdx/i_worked_on_a_team_that_dealt_with_with_nhi/ sighting description, at work, entity, OP is a university professor currently, previous career in aviation, landed craft, crash retrieval, acorn 🌰 shape, shaped like a dreidel without the handle., The shape was directly informed by its purpose. Every shape is custom molded in a metallic material that would revolutionize the way we travel if we had it. , I'll call it crash recovery because that's what colleagues who are planning to come forward will call it, shootdown, the NHI look like the aliens from close encounters. As far as I know, we never had one alive.,NHI know we can track them, and know how to avoid us.,NHI are linked to their craft in a way that borders on biological. Security rule is people that mention the agency name are killed. It's not a question, and it happened during my time. You'll hear more about them as news about the retaliation Dave comes out., If the US comes out directly and says "We have craft, we have bodies", it means we are on the verge of a serious global conflict like we've never seen before. [GOODPOST], removed by mods, "NORAD leak", https://web.archive.org/web/20240513180353/https://old.reddit.com/aliens/comments/1cqwpdx/i_worked_on_a_team_that_dealt_with_with_nhi/ Archive https://web.archive.org/web/20240514184514/https://old.reddit.com/aliens/comments/1cqwpdx/i_worked_on_a_team_that_dealt_with_with_nhi/ updated archive https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1cvs93o/new_paradigm_media_group_claim_that_an_uap/ hopefully unrelated
.13 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1cqs35h/what_do_you_think/ photo, nighttime sky, contemporaneous report, northern lights, single light object moving fast, wavy trajectory, overhead, 5 second long exposure, Port Coquitlam - about 30 minutes outside of Vancouver Canada 🇨🇦, downvoted to zero
.14 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1cr8pcu/what_did_i_catch_in_the_sky/ video, daytime cloudy sky, single light object stationary, just sat up there, duration a couple hours. And then it was gone.., vanished, Newport Oregon, near water pacific ocean, haze, disturbing the air around it, three witnesses , similar sighting in comments
.15 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1cr9qj4_strange_lights_moving_back_and_forth_while/ video, nighttime sky, northern lights, Pocatello Idaho, threelights observed, flying in triangle formation, crossing directly in front
.16 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1cr1clw/taken_over_a_lake_in_prince_edward_county_ontario/ video, nighttime sky, over water, lake, prince Edward County Ontario Canada 🇨🇦, twolights, appeared out of nowhere, stationary and moving slowly, descended below treeline
.17 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1cqreh8/very_bright_in_the_light_polluted_sky/ video, nighttime sky, single object blackwhite, low over rooftop, rockford Illinois, contemporaneous report, possible speed change, seems to maybe decelerate a couple times., very bright observed
.18 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1cr6105/possible_uap/ video, nighttime sky, single light object, possible jumpy movement, speed change, seemed to really pick up speed then slow. , during northern lights, Eau Claire Michigan
.19 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1cr3ioe/capturing_the_light/ photos, nighttime sky, single light object moving, near water, lake Michigan , irregular shape, elongated, worm 🪱, haze,
.20 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1crboq1/ufo_sighting_honolulu_pt1/ video, daytime cloudy sky, fleet, at home, urban area, kakaako neighborhood of Honolulu Hawaii, contemporaneous report, one large orb and several smaller orbs all floating in a formation. , smaller objects accompany it, flying in formation, disappeared into clouds https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1crbzky/ufo_sighting_honolulu_pt2/ more video
.21 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1crbj6x/summoning_ufos/ discussion of human initiated contact
.22 https://old.reddit.com/HighStrangeness/comments/1cqu4hw/saw_two_translucent_tailed_orbs_in_the_sky/ sighting description, has anyone seen?, nighttime, contemporaneous report, northern lights, duration 10 seconds, twolights, moving fast, trail, flying in formation, see through head with a long skinny white tail that left a trail of glowy light as they moved. One of them stopped moving, turned around then waited up for the other as it trailed behind and when it caught up they kinda just disappeared., northern Washington state near Canada 🇨🇦
.23 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1crdy05/51024_sw_wa/ video, nighttime sky, northern lights, single light object moving, at home, backyard, witness followed it, electronic effects camera battery died, possible speed change, possible trajectory change, disappeared behind rooftops, southwest Washington state, similar sightings same area and day in comments, [GOODPOST]
.24 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1cremtj/my_great_uncle_told_me_about_a_crash_retrieval/ sighting description, family story, crash retrieval, military, Salar de Uyuni desert Bolivia 🇧🇴 , USA military response, He described the ship to have flickering lights of several colors and saw the Americans retrieving some pieces from that ship, alongside some organic material that looked like deceased beings
.25 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1crgxgt/3_lights_in_sky/ photos, nighttime cloudy sky, threelights, during northern lights, not seen by eye, Columbia South Carolina
.26 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1crk806/orb_over_lake_while_watching_the_aurora_lights_in/ video, nighttime sky, over water, Elbow Lake Michigan, during northern lights, three witnesses, single light object, hexagon shape with a circular light in the center. https://old.reddit.com/useDry-Ant3194/comments/1crwmun/screenshots_of_orb_over_lake_2nd_photo_shadow_was/ screenshots , multicolored, haze, cloud of all the colors dancing around it., duration 2 minutes
.27 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1crkaw4/some_advice_plz/ sighting description, two witnesses, nighttime, from car, Bourbon County Kansas, single light object stationary, low over treeline, reaction to being observed, approach, flareup, light shining in car, directly in front, went from a fixed position in the trees to nearly in front of my truck while at the same time focusing what I can only describe as the brightest light I'd ever experienced at night before. , jumpy movement, missing time
.28 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1crjw5j/extremely_bright_light_flying_towards_my_plane/ sighting description, from airplane, single light object, approach, over water Atlantic Ocean, daytime cloudy sky, light shining in airplane, physical effects paralysis, As I first saw the light my first reaction was that I froze for a few seconds in confusion. , interaction with airplane, flew overhead, witness looked away and looked back, vanished, duration 10-12 seconds,
.29 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1crh1go/recreating_something_i_saw_when_i_was_young/ childhood sighting description and reference image, at home, nighttime, witness woke up, threelights, barbell shape, outside window, stationary, duration 10 minutes, audio description loud buzzing., emotion of fear, witness left the area, new Hampshire
.30 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1cr8ir4/seen_in_cornwall_uk/ photo, nighttime sky, cloud anomaly, disappeared, possible single object blackwhite, possible camera artifact, not seen by eye, at home, Cornwall the UK 🇬🇧
.31 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1crusrv/seeing_strange_things_while_recording_the_arora/ video, nighttime sky, fleet observed, multiple objects, one following another, LOTS of strange glowing round things. They would appear for 20-30 seconds and float across just a small area, and then they would disappear., each duration 20-30 seconds, Chattanooga Tennessee
.32 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1crzbcg/i_need_help_to_try_to_understand_what_i_saw/ sighting description, Sao Paulo Brazil 🇧🇷, nighttime sky, single light object, blinking, stationary, duration 10-15 minutes, The light would turn off and on in a regular interval (around 13 seconds)., repeat visitor, contemporaneous report
.33 https://old.reddit.com/aliens/comments/1cr8t6q/am_i_seeing_things_round_2/ video, nighttime sky, single light object, doughnut 🍩 shaped, moving straight
.34 https://old.reddit.com/HighStrangeness/comments/1crmukh/speaking_owls/ childhood sighting description, sister of OP, at home, nighttime, outside bedroom window, entity, owl, communication, repeat visitor, family history, her eldest son (who was around 7-8 at the time) woke the house up screaming. He was terrified and shaking and she asked him what happened and he told her an owl came and spoke to him “in his head.” , telepathy, emotion of fear
.35 https://old.reddit.com/HighStrangeness/comments/1crhdyo/my_cousin_and_i_charged_a_shadow_figure_when_we/ childhood experience description, three witnesses, entity, shadow figure, combat, My cousin and I looked back at each other and my cousin just screamed at me “LETS GET HIM!”. Before I could say anything my cousin just bolts at this guy, and I ran right behind him., witness followed it, it was not running fast at all, the way it ran looked super weird, its kind of hard to explain, its limbs moved like a human, but it looked like it was running in slow motion. Its head was slightly tilted back as it was jogging, almost as if it was looking up at the sky. , looked away and looked back, vanished
.36 https://old.reddit.com/HighStrangeness/comments/1crlbtp/what_do_you_think_of_this_experience_visitation/ experience description, at home, nighttime, inside bedroom, witness woke up, audio description high frequency sound in the room, almost like when something electrical is plugged in and you can just hear it. A neon sign kind of. , approach, very loud, It stops, and I start to hear this rustling coming from behind me, I think, “What the fuck IS that??”, wtf_is_that, communication, I get a flash of a sentence through my head that doesn’t feel like a thought from me but a message from someone else: “Don’t be scared.”
.37 https://old.reddit.com/aliens/comments/1crnkz7/cool_dream_about_ufos_in_a_hanga dream description, UFO's being shown to a group of people, it was in a very large hangar, the alien body was probably about 7ft that was lying down and the craft was tiny, maybe the size of a small table., the craft would expand towards the 3 pilots to become much larger, using their minds to do this, it would then mold to their forms to enable a space to pilot it, the material was almost like a moving graphete.
.38 https://old.reddit.com/aliens/comments/1crfo0y/did_i_see_a_ufo_anyone_got_a_logical_explanation/ sighting description and reference image, circular shape, at home, nighttime cloudy sky, spinning, The patterns/shapes/geometrics that made up the circle were ones I had never seen before, The Circle was spinning non stop and it was like the outside of the circle would collapse into the centre and then it would come out again to full size, has anyone seen?
.39 https://old.reddit.com/ufo/comments/1crs234/was_trying_to_get_a_photo_of_the_northern_lights/ photo, nighttime sky, during northern lights, urban area, Glasgow Scotland the UK 🇬🇧, not seen by eye, fleet or single object multiple lights, green 🟢, hoax
.40 https://old.reddit.com/ufo/comments/1cqx075/3_lights_in_the_sky/ photo, nighttime cloudy sky, threelights, red and green 🔴🟢, low over treeline, camping, outback Australia 🇦🇺 , zigzag movements or wavy trajectory, moving from side to side going at some speed but as I took that photo they disappeared., reaction to being filmed, vanishing
.41 https://old.reddit.com/Glitch_in_the_Matrix/comments/1cs2rhi/lost_time_in_western_mass/ experience description, missing time, two witnesses, from car, the McDonalds in Hadley Massachusetts, there’s quite some fog. But that area has fog from time to time. And all the cars except for ours in the lot were gone too, automobile anomaly, old early 2000s suv pulled into the lot with zero noise. No engine sound, I didn’t noticed the light until it pulled over to my right front spot. It kinda seemed it just slide in with no friction or anything. , location anomaly, we somehow got into the lot across the street,,didn’t seem to take longer than half an hour., more than 3 hours just passed.
.42 https://old.reddit.com/astrophotography/comments/1crz21q/an_unknown_red_circles/ photo, nighttime sky, two objects, anomalous to witness, red 🔴, near water, Black Sea, 30 second long exposure
.43 reference ISS https://old.reddit.com/astrophotography/comments/1cru96d/iss/ photo, nighttime sky, international space station
.44 https://old.reddit.com/Glitch_in_the_Matrix/comments/1cro1y6/we_lost_about_4_hours_of_time_in_30_seconds/ experience description, around the Northampton - Luton area the UK 🇬🇧, from car, four witnesses, camping, went through a tunnel, 4 hours had passed in 30 seconds,
.45 https://old.reddit.com/BackwoodsCreepy/comments/1crldxd/sound_from_woods_in_pnw/ audio description, at home, outside, near water, hottub, backyard, pacific northwest, high pitched, smooth who sound. Almost like someone was singing the word “who”. But with a very elongated “ooo” noise. , brief duration 2-3 seconds, physical effects paralysis and goosebumps, repeat visitor, made two passes, has anyone seen?, similar experiences in comments
.46 https://old.reddit.com/BackwoodsCreepy/comments/1crky49/more_in_depth_story_from_northern_alaska/ experience description, northern Alaska, multiple witnesses, nighttime, at home, felt observed, In the willows stood 4-6 small people. They looked like anyone else in the village, but they wore clothes made of skins rather than newer materials brought in. Their eyes glowed and one bared its teeth. Thinking about this just freaks me out., in comments: The navy on Guam has a problem with the little people entering the navy magazine where they store a huge amount of ammo. The marine guards would see them constantly., entities
.47 https://old.reddit.com/StrangeEarth/comments/1crdvlz/petrified_and_floating_out_of_window/ experience description, at home, nighttime, witness woke up, light shining in bedroom window, physical effects paralysis, witness was pulled, I floated out of my bed and towards the bright light in the window and shortly after I have no memory., event amnesia, emotion of fear, eyes teared up, it is the most terrifying feeling I have ever experienced. I’m crying just thinking about it., similar experience in comments
.48 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1cs7jje/fast_moving_ufo_seen_in_north_vancouver_051024/ video, nighttime cloudy sky, single light object moving and stationary, jumpy movement, possible trail, North Vancouver British Columbia Canada 🇨🇦, duration 14 seconds, moving erratically observed, during northern lights , OP comments downvoted
.49 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1csc0o6/ufo_spotted_on_flight_to_newark_nj/ sighting description and video, nighttime cloudy sky, from airplane, contemporaneous report, over water Atlantic Ocean, single light object stationary and moving, subsequent threelights, Another light appeared right next to it and was glowing a bit brighter. A third light appeared from the right and went towards to the other two on the left. At this point the second light that randomly appeared on the left disappeared, the other two dimmed a bit and disappeared as well after another minute., dimming, vanishing,
.50 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1css11t/odd_floating_object/ photos and video, daytime cloudy sky, contemporaneous report, single light object stationary, Bozeman Montana, duration 30 minutes, weather balloon? looks like a balloon with a nautilus style tail, white in the sun and gray with low cloud cover., weird shit, multiple witnesses
.51 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1csui87/what_is_this_object_suspended_in_air_above_poland/ video, daytime cloudy sky, single light object, elongated, trail, vertical orientation, contrails type, contemporaneous report, Szczecin Poland 🇵🇱, stationary, duration a couple minutes, low over treeline, downvoted to zero
.52 https://old.reddit.com/ufo/comments/1cs6rj4/ufo_experience/ childhood sighting description, nighttime, at home, single light object moving and stationary, emitting orbs, Travelling at a slow and smooth pace. Until suddenly it stopped in position and ten seconds later two orbs shot out (or three) and darted across the sky like bees. , emotional reaction awe and wondor
.53 https://old.reddit.com/HighStrangeness/comments/1csu1ex/saw_something_in_my_apartment/ sighting description, at home, entity, inside home, audio description chain jingling and a buzzing sound., I turn around and am immediately faced with what I'm going to describe as a gray, leaning around the corner with one three fingered hand touching the wall. It looks....insubstantial. Like it's made of smoke or fog., Southern Appalachia
.54 https://old.reddit.com/HighStrangeness/comments/1csmf1w/strange_message/ experience description, no craft, at home, nighttime, communication, "kaptia kapta kesta", has anyone seen?
.55 https://old.reddit.com/HighStrangeness/comments/1crpnrw/third_man_facto experience description, remote viewing, training
.56 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1csxiay/was_wondering_if_anyone_had_a_logical_explanation/ video, nighttime sky, single dim object, diffuse, low over rooftop, contemporaneous report, Rhondda Cynon Taff South Wales the UK 🇬🇧 , two witnesses, witness followed it, duration 30 minutes
.57 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1csyfuv/honestly_dont_know_what_to_say/ video, nighttime sky, single light object moving, blackwhite, multicolored, two witnesses, contemporaneous report, subsequent threelights flying in equilateral triangle formation, [GOODPOST], emotion of fear, witness left the area, Ireland 🇮🇪 , physical effects vibration
.58 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1csyob2/purchased_a_flir_unit_online_and_had_an_interest/ sighting, OP is not the witness, witness is a pilot, black triangle 🔺️, from airplane , removed by mods, similar sighting in comments: All Black triangle, no lights, no sound, super low and almost floating (given how slow it flew over). It must have been landing at Joint Base Lewis-McChord https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1cszn08/i_purchased_a_flir_unit_online_and_had_an/ reposted , similar sightings in comments, [GOODPOST]
.59 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1ctd4qs/new_jersey_ufo/ video, daytime cloudy sky, new jersey, twolights, two dark objects, moving slowly, bird for comparison, metallic sphere observed
.60 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1ctb72t/strange_train_line_in_brazil_and_argentina/ video, from home security camera, single light object, elongated, Rio de Janeiro Brazil 🇧🇷, link to similar sightings in comments
.61 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1ct569h/unidentified_object_next_to_us_apache_helicopte photo, daytime sky, contemporaneous report, at home, helicopter for comparison, single dark object, manta shape, bird?, downvoted to zero
.62 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1ct5imq/ufo_sighting_when_i_was_a_kid_with_witnesses/ childhood sighting description, multiple witnesses, at home, nighttime, trampoline, British Columbia Canada 🇨🇦, fleet, wavy trajectory, red 🔴, Three or four maybe five red lights, orbs, circles, moving like a snake across the sky but then dissappear., vanishing, repeat visitor observed, other witnesses said it came back later.
.63 https://old.reddit.com/aliens/comments/1ct62su/help_i_think_i_saw_some_aliens/ sighting description, three entities, at home, nighttime, animal reaction dogs barking, 3 little blurry things came out of the trees and then suddenly became viewable. There was 3 aliens that were as tall as oompa loompas. They were skinny so skinny almost like walking sticks with a square shaped figure. They had binocular shaped eye ridge and they had yellow eyes that were sunken in and looked slanted., emotion of fear, witness left the area, trying to run but i fell on the ground they stared at me, and did a dance. , dancing, physical effects eyes teared up,
.64 https://old.reddit.com/ufo/comments/1csw5nx/fast_ufo_over_federal_hill/ photo, daytime sky, plane for comparison, single light object, federal hill new jersey, similar sighting with video in comments,
.65 reference Sirius https://old.reddit.com/astrophotography/comments/1ct9qvx/photographed_sirius_again_3rd_time_i_think/ photo, nighttime sky, the star Sirius, single light object
.66 https://old.reddit.com/StrangeEarth/comments/1ct3nhz/looking_for_possible_answers_on_what_this_light/ video, nighttime sky, from home security camera, single light object stationary, low below treeline, appearing and vanishing,
.67 https://old.reddit.com/astrophotography/comments/1csgkde/weird_artifact/ photo, nighttime sky, anomalous to witness, single light object moving fast
.68 https://old.reddit.com/RBI/comments/1cs74p5/what_are_these_stains_on_my_pillowcase_quarte photo of pillowcase, anomalous bloodstains, at home
.69 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1ctijey/what_is_in_our_sky/ photo, nighttime cloudy sky, cloud anomaly, contemporaneous report, These "clouds" formed and moved opposite other clouds,
.70 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1ctlrfive_literally_just_spotted_this_spherical/ video, daytime cloudy sky, contemporaneous report, single dark object, elongated, possible manta shape or metapod, disappeared into clouds, sphere observed, kent the UK 🇬🇧, 51° 16' 47.9964'' N, angled from the horizon , repeat visitors , video shows electronic effects camera glitching or jumpy movement , moving straight, dead weight just travelling farther and farther as though travelling into space. , downvoted to zero in 1 hour, OP comments downvoted
.71 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1ct5cdy/bright_orb_crossed_the_whole_sky_in_lancaster_ca/ video, nighttime sky, single light object, multicolored, orange 🟠 observed, near USAF, Edwards air force base, Southern California, three witnesses, during northern lights, very bright, completely silent and weirdly multi-colored / orange orb showed up to the far west over Lancaster and steadily moved eastward, over Edwards and disappeared over the eastern horizon.,
.72 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1ctpjk8/what_is_this_object/ video, daytime cloudy sky, single light object, diffuse, low over water, Central Finland 🇫🇮, yellowish, diffuse, moving slowly, looking around, [GOODPOST]
.73 https://old.reddit.com/HighStrangeness/comments/1ctnntx/i_just_saw_a_uap_for_the_first_time_now_what/ sighting description, daytime, contemporaneous report, fleet, circling each other, weaving, 9 white small dots all irregularly circling around each other at high speeds. The group moved from one end of the sky to the other in the space of about 5 minutes., plane for comparison observed, interaction with airplane, flew over plane, They appeared above the plane and to slow down when the plane passed., speed change, three witnesses, apathy in other witness, polarized sunglasses., possibly metallic, possible haze, urban area, Denver Colorado
.74 https://old.reddit.com/Skydentify/comments/1ctl6au/photo_from_my_hotel_room_in_denver_facing_west/ photo, nighttime sky, single light object, irregular shape, diffuse, angular, orange 🟠, contemporaneous report, no info from OP, urban area, Denver Colorado
.75 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1ctqx3k/strange_object_spotted_over_mod_base_raf/ video, nighttime sky, single light object, moving slowly and erratically, started flying around in different directions. , contemporaneous report, near air force base, the UK 🇬🇧, at home
.76 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1ctz4s640_res_thermal_uap/ video and drawing, nighttime cloudy sky, through thermal camera, repeat visitor, plane for comparison, contemporaneous report, Southern new jersey, previous sighting description single object elongated, oval-shaped, horizontal orientation, The bottom half of the oval had 3-4 circular heat signatures. It was about 2x bigger then the plane at 3:04 and maybe 2x closer. It was moving slowly., video shows single light object moving fast, moving straight observed https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1cuohxo/plasma_like_uap_on_thermal_monocula same OP, different event, twolights, two witnesses, elongated, V-shaped formation, merging, nighttime cloudy sky, contemporaneous report, Blue Anchor New Jersey, OP comments downvoted, big debunker energy
.77 these were all removed, i guess https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1cu67kc/the_vatican_supernatural_phenomenon_summary/ news, Vatican guidelines for supernatural events https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1cu8xsc/newsnation_reporting_on_the_vatican_and_ufos/ more coverage https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1cu983a/vaticans_new_classifications_of_phenomena/ categories of events https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1cu67kc/the_vatican_supernatural_phenomenon_summary/ summary, guidance on how the Church should approach and discern supernatural phenomena, like visions and apparitions.
.78 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1cua35x/interesting_lights_in_the_sky_near_san_jose_51424/ photos, near San Jose California, nighttime, not seen by eye, single light object moving, trail, haze, shape change, near water, Calaveras Reservoir
.79 https://old.reddit.com/RBI/comments/1cu4k43/vivid_memory_of_the_sky_exploding_help_me_figure/ childhood sighting description, two witnesses, at home, backyard, daytime, single light object, directly in front, massive ball of flames dead center in the sky. It looked like a big plane had exploded but it was very slowly still moving across the sky. , There were reds, oranges, and very bright yellows 🔴🟠🟡 coming from it, haze. And it was HUGE, like, the size of my palm but in the sky. , emotion of fear, witness left the area, audio description huge booming exploding sound, physical effects vibration, I can feel the sound wave hitting us., Southern Florida, Columbia space shuttle?
.80 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1cu64ri/my_girlfriend_saw_a_ring_of_flashing_lights_in/ video, nighttime cloudy sky, fleet, circular formation, diffuse, spotlights type, low over rooftop, urban area, Kuala Lampur Malaysia 🇲🇾, downvoted to zero
.81 https://old.reddit.com/RBI/comments/1cucswq/strange_shuny_spheres_in_the_sky/ childhood sighting description, Canada 🇨🇦, daytime, multiple witnesses, fleet, blackwhite, approach, flew overhead, multiple objects grouped and floating together. They looks like perfect metal spheres about the size of beach balls. , metallic sphere, flying in formation, duration a few minutes
.82 https://old.reddit.com/signalidentification/comments/1cuay5a/144_mhz_weird_mirrored_signal/ signal anomaly, possible twolights
.83 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1cue2zz/you_want_disclosure_come_to_brazil/ how-to, self disclosure, Brazil 🇧🇷
.84 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1cueec7/think_i_just_had_my_first_ufo_sighting_today/ sighting description, contemporaneous report, daytime, twolights, I noticed in the sky a metal object, then I noticed one behind it, a few meters apart. silent, witness looked away and looked back, vanished, England the UK 🇬🇧, duration 3-4 minutes., cylindrical shape
.85 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1cug426/can_anyone_explain_what_this_is/ video, nighttime sky, threelights, close line formation, horizontal orientation, horizontal trajectory, moving fast, low over treeline, from car, powerlines,
.86 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1cuhrz9/i_took_this_video_of_ufos_in_the_night_sky_above/ video, nighttime cloudy sky, through infrared scope, near windmills, fleet, diffuse, moving fast and slowly, trajectory change, U-turn, circling, moving and stationary, spotlights type, at home, outside bedroom window, triangle formation,
.87 https://old.reddit.com/space/comments/1cuhsz7/stranger_told_me_knowing_what_is_on_top_of_saturn/ experience description, contemporaneous report, mysterious stranger, the planet Saturn, he asked me "do you know what is there?" I replied "no". He told me to look up "Saturn from the top view" and said that it's going to open my eyes and change my life.
.88 https://old.reddit.com/BackwoodsCreepy/comments/1cufrqh/encounter_with_a_black_wolf_creature_in_the/ dream description, repeat visitor, entity, Tennessee, Around the age of 12 or 13, I started having recurring dreams set in the forest, a place I frequently visited. In these dreams, I encountered a large black wolf with glowing red eyes., During my final dream involving the wolf, a woman's voice accompanied it. I recall her saying, "Do not fear the wolf." As the wolf circled me, I didn't feel fear but rather a deep sense of respect for its ancient power.
.89 https://old.reddit.com/HighStrangeness/comments/1cuf2co/my_experience_with_nhi/ experience description, had a bout of psychosis that involved/was caused by extended contact with a "non-human intelligence." Left me deeply traumatized and harmed but in a better place in my life than where I started. Don't fuck around and find out.
.90 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1cui6zs/satellite_or_ufo/ video, nighttime sky, contemporaneous report, Qatar 🇶🇦, single light object moving, stars for comparison, trajectory change observed
.91 ➡️ https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1cuwnbs/how_many_have_had_the_dream/ childhood dream description, at home, nighttime, eyes outside window, Puerto Rico 🇵🇷 , similar dreams in comments, entity, [GOODPOST]
.92 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1cuwxug/ufo_or_is_this_just_a_plane_or_satellite/ video, nighttime sky, contemporaneous report, two witnesses, single light object moving, Gladwyne Pennsylvania near Philadelphia,
.93 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1cukdcm/ufo_from_joshua_tree_national_park_522024/ video, nighttime sky, Joshua Tree National Park California, multiple witnesses, camping, single light object, plane for comparison, haze, When the cloudy aura dissipated a bit you could see had just two bright white lights from two ends of it., twolights, vanishing, possible departure upward, rocket launch? , silent
.94 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1cunh7l/what_sightingevent_opened_your_mind_to_the/ discussion of sightings
.95 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1cuqag5/guys_help_me_identify_this_thing_what_the_heck_is/ video, daytime cloudy sky, contemporaneous report, urban area, Los Angeles California, single dark object, elongated, worm 🪱, irregular shape, single flash, downvoted to zero, OP comments downvoted, V-shaped, shape change
.96 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1cuxx9l/help_i_think_i_saw_a_ufo/ sighting description, contemporaneous report, nighttime, at home, light shining in bedroom window, single light object, approach, golden, flew over the witness home, emotion of fear, Southern Ontario Canada 🇨🇦, emotional reaction feeling shook, ongoing, I've been having a lot of strange experiences lately.
.97 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1cupc7a/ufo_orb_light/ video, daytime sky, single dim object, low over treeline, disappeared behind treeline, moving slowly and fast, possible reaction to being filmed, speed change, Was floating for about 2 min before I started filming. Moved fairly quickly, disappeared behind tree line., duration two minutes, at home, backyard, possible military response helicopter , event amnesia
.98 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1cut2f2/strange_sighting_in_netherlands/ sighting description, contemporaneous report, single light object moving, wavy trajectory, vanishing and reappearing or jumpy movement, two witnesses, silent, possible military response jets, After 5 minutes or saw we saw a plane fly in the same direction. Which was followed by another plane and third one which made a u-turn after a flashing light appeared in the direction the light flew in., nighttime, the Netherlands 🇳🇱
.99 https://old.reddit.com/HighStrangeness/comments/1cuvet2/second_moon_uap_in_virginia/ video, nighttime sky, single light object stationary, multicolored, low over treeline, repeat visitor, Virginia, over water, river where the Tye and James river meet, He said that it disappeared for a month or so (he stopped seeing it in the morning) and now it’s back!
.100 https://old.reddit.com/RBI/comments/1cux9gabout_45_years_ago_i_saw_a_black_figure_looking/ sighting description, entity, at home, outside window, animal reaction dog noticed it, black figure the the shape of a person's head looking through the window at me., witness looked away and looked back, vanished
.101 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1cv2esis_this_a_ufo/ video, nighttime sky, hard to see, repeat visitor, Victoria British Columbia Canada 🇨🇦 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1ct988m/what_the_hell_is_this/ previous day, video, nighttime cloudy sky, single light object moving erratically, jumpy movement, trail, North Vancouver British Columbia Canada 🇨🇦
.102 https://old.reddit.com/UF0/comments/1cv0xjf/please_telll_me_what_this_is/ video, nighttime cloudy sky, urban area, threelights, triangle formation, low over rooftop, silent, there were a lot of planes going by. wayyyyyy more than usual., at home, similar sighting in comments
.103 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1cv7yko/another_shitty_phone_video/ video, daytime cloudy sky, powerlines, single light object, Yucaipa California, first noticed from car, witness stopped the car and got out, reaction to being filmed, ascending, departure,
.104 https://old.reddit.com/UFOs/comments/1cv8xxb/2007_ufo_sighting_in_sf/ sighting description and reference image, family story, 1967 Albany New York state, at home, multiple witnesses, over the witness home, very large, it was huge and covered her house and part of the street., stationary and moving, sudden departure
.105 https://old.reddit.com/Glitch_in_the_Matrix/comments/1cv9qub/the_sky_went_marine_blue_and_looked_like_it_was/ sighting description, no craft, contemporaneous report, nighttime, single flash, blue 🔵, illuminating surroundings, darkness bright as day, the sky went totally bright like it was day. It had a marine blue tint to it and I could see the whole city. , brief duration 1 second, subsequent audio description huge bang sound in the distance,
.106 https://old.reddit.com/AnomalousEvidence/comments/1cv97u8/i_wanted_to_share_with_you_all_a_bit_of/ information, how to evaluate orb reports, [GOODPOST]
.107 https://old.reddit.com/UFObelievers/comments/1cv7hky/ufo_supercharged_my_powerbank_to_151_a_yea sighting, electronic effects camera battery died, but my PowerBank has been stuck at 151% since last year.

You never know the pull of a small town until you trade your entire life to live in one.
Dazzling city lights made way for grassy fields blanketed in soft sunsets, local papers filled with names I knew by heart. When the honeyed hair of the local florist came out in patches due to the stresses of life, sixty people brought steaming bowls of food to ease the ache. A singular church brought the townsfolk together, and perhaps that was the most foreign part of it all to me.
I was a kid, so I watched the entire thing unfold through the innocent lens of child, keenly watching the camaraderie of this town really peak outside the doors of that church. It didn’t look like much, a steepled dream imagined by the townsfolk of before, but it meant everything to the people. I even understood that back then, even though I didn’t quite buy the concept of a god yet.
The Sundays were a monotonous part of our week, only pedalled by my parents who desperately wanted to fit in with the town’s culture. They wore their masks well, nodding in the right places as we sat in the same pew every time, my father often discreetly checking the football scores in the sleeve of his jumper. Nothing ever happened in that tiny town, and then everything happened all at once.
It started with the miracles. Our pastor, Pastor Jon, liked to have the troubled souls of that week sitting in the front row so he could clutch their shaking hands one by one, channelling the energy of God through him in the hope that someday, hope could be brought to those lacking in it. It was a brief affair, usually just the joining of skin and a short prayer, but that Sunday was different. Rain hammered against the roof, leaving Pastor Jon’s prayers lost in the low, threatening rumble of thunder.
It meant when the sun shone through the clouds and caressed the face of a pained Wilson Brewster, it already felt a welcome intrusion.
“May your broken leg heal quickly,” Pastor Jon smiled warmly, steeling a hand on the calf of the waiting boy.
He, like me, was just a child. He didn’t feel the urgency of the situation, he was probably only grateful his throbbing leg wasn’t pulsating with pain anymore. He breathed a quiet ‘cool’ and that would have been that, had his parents not asked exactly what was cool about his leg being touched later that night. The news spread like wildfire - as per the medical centre, his parents said, Wilson Brewster no longer had a broken fibula.
There was some debate, of course. My parents mumbled in the kitchen about how clearly he’d never had a broken leg, and how odd to make him hobble around in a cast if that was the case. The sentiment was echoed tenfold, until something a little more tangible happened that changed the course of that town, and our lives, forever.
Pastor Jon didn’t mean for the glass to shatter in his hand during service, nor did he mean for a chunk of it to embed itself in his palm, gushing reams of blood racing down his arm in a bid for the floor.
“Gross!” one of the kids shouted with glee, the rest of us paling as crimson spilled from his wound. He was a deer in the headlights, utterly unprepared as we all looked on in awe. This was not how church usually went - this was quite the deviation. Several people stood to help, but they needn’t have bothered, because the divine was ready to intervene.
“Oh dear,” Pastor Jon muttered in a panic, using his bloodied hand to block the intense ray of sunlight threatening to stream through the glass into his eyes. It bathed the blood in a golden glow, and quicker than it had gone in, the chunk of glass began to slide from the wound till it smashed to the floor, exploding into a million pieces. That was not the crescendo, though, rather it was the sight of his skin tightening and knitting together - months of work in a moment - blood congealing and leaving behind nothing but memories of a wound.
“Pastor?” Mary-who-makes-the-blueberry-pies breathed, reaching out to touch him with bulging eyes. Pastor Jon could only open and close his mouth uselessly, his voice barely coming out in a whisper when he did finally speak.
“It’s a miracle,” he wheezed, and by all accounts, I suppose it seemed it was.
I was young, but I remember the bustle - the town was as I’d never seen it. The people of the church had vowed to keep it our little secret because, as Pastor Jon said, we had been given a gift and it was not appropriate to turn it into a spectacle. This gift was sporadic, though. People queued through the double doors of that church, sobbing and praying for their own slice of God, but few were to be given it. Little Laurie Lee and her dislocated jaw cleared up within the hour. Farmer Noel had a sudden epiphany about what the lottery numbers were to be.
Our town was blessed.
For two days, we marvelled. The rest of the world can have a piece later, we reasoned, but this was for us, just for now.
The church was fuller than it had ever been, people spilling out into the back and waiting with baited breath, snippets of conversations could be heard, and as they had been for the last two days, they all echoed one another.
“-a believer. I mean, Aunt Lillian said it was the light. The light closed up his wound, there and then!”
“-jaw. I saw her get hit with the cricket bat! Terrible thing, little lamb was inconsolable. And then next thing I know, she comes here and those shards are just welded back together again! Well, I told Janie-”
“-need to make the church bigger. Look at everyone! If only-”
So when Pastor Jon stood before us practically trembling with glee, it was hardly the weirdest thing that had happened all week. His voice was thick with emotion, eyes darting manically around our congregation.
“I have a message,” he breathed, and the crowd gasped at the connotation of it. I remember my father swearing, a low rumble of expletives I didn’t usually hear falling from his lips. I didn’t fully understand what this meant, but the atmosphere in that room morphed in a heartbeat.
“Tell us,” Christie Baker cried, hands clasped as tears welled in her eyes, “Oh, please tell us!”
Pastor Jon visibly shook, holding a trembling hand outstretched as if to reach us all. “He came to me last night,” a single tear raced past his cheek and made a home on his lip, “He spoke to me.”
“Praise God!” a man cried from next to me, and I shuffled closer to my father at the sudden burst of noise.
“It is… Him,” Pastor Jon uttered in a blissful exhale, sending the room bursting into chaos. Tears, cheers and prayers filled the space, but my father just clutched me tighter and my stomach churned uncomfortably. It took at least ten minutes for the room to quieten, but when it did, he had their rapt attention. “I am told that I will be His vessel. I will pass on what must be passed. We are not to spread the word, yet - only our pocket of civilization is ready. Only ours.”
You could replicate what happened a thousand times, and somebody would mess it up, sending a message of the divine to their great aunt in Auckland. But not us. That secret stayed within the confines of our town for the sixteen days hell shined upwards at us. Everybody had a thousand questions, but Pastor Jon only hushed us. “You must trust me,” he said, tone more regal than I’d ever heard it. And trust him the people did.
So on the second day when he returned to church and his eyes were dark-rimmed, nobody questioned it. He was chosen. Who knows what that does to a person’s sleep cycle? The following day when he went for his morning walk and the smile didn’t quite reach his hollow eyes, that was fine. He was a vessel, not a performer. And then that morning at church when he addressed us and kept rubbing the angry red welts on his wrists, who were we to ask questions of God’s messenger?
Nothing went terribly wrong until the baptisms. We all wanted to be part of this - even my anxious parents who signed me up to be bathed in holy water - and so we queued towards the front of the church, eager to hand ourselves over. I was second in line, right behind Mrs Awkins who had been the school nurse for the last 26 years, apparently. She was gleeful as Pastor Jon set up, speaking rhymes I barely listened to as I bounced on the balls of my feet, eager to go next. My stomach flipped at the words, knowing that my turn was only seconds away. People wouldn’t usually queue, but this was different. It was all different, now.
“I baptize you in the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.”
I didn’t expect the awful fizzing noise the liquid made as it hit Nurse Awkins’ head, nor did I expect the guttural wail that fell from her lips as she clawed at her own scalp. Smoke billowed up from her disappearing tresses and as I was yanked backwards, I caught a glimpse of her exposed skull. Most people will go their entire lives without the smell of burning flesh lingering in their nostrils, but not me.
“I- No! That wasn’t- oh!” Pastor Jon had cried, tired eyes bulging out of his head as people leapt to their feet to assist.
It was carnage, but not carnage I witnessed for long. My mother’s grip on my arm was vice-like, her eyes swimming with terror I know still plagues her to this day. I recall my father on the walk home, murmuring to my mother in low tones I wasn’t meant to hear.
“This isn’t right, Rach’. Jesus, did you see her? That was almost our son!”
My mum’s voice was shrill, the sound of her heels clacking against the pavement not quite masking her voice. “The police will be called - we don’t even know if she’ll survive! I think I’m going to throw up.”
But she was wrong on both counts. She didn’t throw up and the police weren’t called, because we rallied together. This was bigger than us and bigger than Mrs Awkins. Sure, nobody else tried to get baptised, but this was a blip. People surmised that the almighty didn’t want her as part of his flock, that she hadn’t been a believer when it mattered. Nobody was to utter a word about it, and because church was every morning now, my parents were almost too scared not to go. As a child, I didn’t understand it, but all these years later, I think I’d have bent to the fear of the almighty as well.
But it wasn’t the almighty who knocked on the door.
It became all the clearer that morning when Pastor Jon turned up with eyes so sunken and empty that we startled at his presence.
“Pastor.. Pastor, are you feeling alright?” one of our neighbours fussed, “Will you be okay for service?”
Pastor Jon didn’t answer. It was almost as though he didn’t hear her as he dragged his feet up to the front, turning so slowly towards us that it almost felt eerie. A large, jagged and bloodied cut spanned the entire back of his neck, disappearing behind him as he eyed us all, one by one.
“He’s here,” he murmured, words that on paper, should have sent the entire church reeling with joy. But you could hear a pin drop. You could hear any soul whisper in the large room, and yet his utterance only caused goosebumps to spread across my skin as a sort of icy stillness washed over me.
“He’s… here?” a woman in the front row asked, and Pastor Jon took too long to answer. An unnatural, slow smile spread across his face as he tilted his head towards the source of the noise. He didn’t respond, instead slowly lifting his hand to his lips, letting his finger linger there for a moment. When nobody spoke, he let his mouth fall open and began to chew loudly on the finger, drawing gasps from the crowd.
“Don’t look,” my mother shimmied closer to me and lifted a trembling hand to my eyes, but I could see through the cracks in her fingers. Pastor Jon continued to sloppily chew his finger, eventually snapping his head up and inhaling sharply as he spat blood out of his mouth.
“Your bodies are so fragile,” he sneered, lifting his dripping finger to the skies, causing several people to leap from their seats and make a bolt for it. My mother was one of them, and with horror, I watched as the Pastor’s eyes scanned the room and locked onto mine, tilting his head. “Stay,” he hissed with bared, bloody teeth, and we did. Not through choice, but rather, a sickening whoosh of air that skimmed past our faces and forced us all back down.
“What’s going on?” someone shrieked, but we weren’t to know, not really.
Pastor Jon only smiled blissfully, reaching his arms outwards as if to accept us. “I’ve come to bless you all,” he whispered mockingly, fingers outstretched as the sun hit the stained glass to the left of him. But it was all wrong. Sunshine streamed in and as it hit the red of a decorated sunrise, an image which had been there years before us, the colour changed. It was only moments until the church had the appearance of being bathed in blood, shimmering red bouncing off every surface to create the illusion we were all swimming in hell.
Nobody spoke.
Those who didn’t quite make it to the doors stood frozen; we who remained in our seats cowered in the heaviest kind of fear. Red drowned us and we clutched one another, eyeing Pastor Jon as though he were a wild animal. Finally, someone dared speak.
“Where is God?” he murmured, eyes swimming. Pastor Jon’s neck snapped towards him as he licked the blood from his finger, shuddering. When he spoke, his words were cold, distant. As though they were from somewhere else entirely.
“He hasn’t been around for a while.”
There was no time for his words to punch at my stomach, because in no time at all Pastor Jon was crumpled on the floor, wailing as he regarded his chewed, bloody finger. The bone was exposed and yet nobody helped him as he looked at us pleadingly, too many eyes on him as his whimpers turned to whispers. When he spoke, we listened.
“You need to keep coming to church,” he breathed, a single, bloody tear trickling down his cheek, “It will be worse if we don’t.”
So we did.
The Sunday Fair was cancelled, and pies that had been baked to share in sunny gardens went stale and grew mould. People packed duffel bags and made for their cars, arguing fiercely with those who decided to stay. My mother and father disagreed, but their argument was far more muted.
“Please, we have to go,” my father pleaded, shaking his head as I watched from the shadows, “Listen, I don’t know what the fuck that was-”
“I can’t explain it,” her voice was shaken, quiet, “But I know it will be worse if we go. I know it. Please just trust me. Trust Jon.”
So as my father always did, he believed in my mother. Each day in church was torturous, everyone sitting rigid with fear as Pastor Jon read slowly and shakily from the bible, bruises littering his gaunt body. When the holy book in his hands would launch into flames, he’d calmly drop it into the bucket of water he’d prepared and retrieve a new one. One time, every window in the church smashed and we all winced, ducking to avoid the onslaught of glass.
Darkness watched us.
We all felt it, and I know it visited members of the flock in the shadows. I was plagued by it one particularly torturous night as I lay in bed, blanketed in darkness with the covers pulled up to my chin. I hadn’t been able to shake the feeling I was being stared upon, squeezing my eyes shut as laboured, wet breaths left my body. But they weren’t my breaths.
I’d realised it straight away, that my hurried gasps for air didn’t match the gargling, strangled heaving that echoed around my head. From under the covers, I didn’t know much, but I knew one thing - the uncomfortable, heavy presence laying on my legs was my only source of comfort. Through all this, I reasoned, that if my beloved dog was with me, hell itself couldn’t come and claim me.
But I was wrong, because outside, my dog howled into the night.
Terror like that wasn’t something I’d felt before, and as my stomach bottomed out, I stopped breathing altogether. It must have sensed my fear, because those gargling breaths heaved closer and closer to my face as it dragged itself up my body, inch by inch. The smell of rot and ash burned into my nostrils, a horrific weight settling above my nose as my lungs started working again, so quickly that I would surely die then and there. If it had a face, it was twisted and pressed into mine, the thin bedcover my only source of protection.
But I couldn’t scream. I couldn’t move, so I let it pant gravelly air into my face, let it lay on top of me for hour after hour, till the birdsong indicated morning had come. All night I sobbed stifled cries, chest shaking as I squeezed my eyes shut and felt it pressing into me. Felt it hating me, felt it wanting to rip its claws into my stomach and pull out my intestines. But it didn’t. And when I awoke late the next morning - I must have passed out through fear alone - it was gone.
The rest is all a bit of a trauma-soaked blur, to be honest. I know my parents couldn’t understand why I wasn’t speaking the next day, why I barely reacted when evil finally descended that morning at church. The rest of the townsfolk screamed for their lives, ran as fast as they could, but I just stared with a hollow, broken gaze. As the rivers of blood waterfalled down between the pews, I watched Pastor Jon’s eyes grow dark as midnight, empty and soulless as he bellowed inside those four walls and called upon something worse than any of us could likely ever imagine.
I recall the fire starting, remember Pastor Jon’s slack jaw as he regarded us all so horribly, moving jaggedly towards my family with a growing demonic, gleeful grin.
“I remember you from last night,” he’d uttered darkly, but his voice came out in a thousand jarring layers and I could see hell in his eyes.
“Leave us alone!” my father tried to shield us, lifting a crucifix and wielding it towards Pastor Jon as though it would protect us. He simply laughed, an awful noise of horrific dissonance that I still sometimes hear alone in my bed at night. In complete horror, my parents could only watch as this thing wrenched the crucifix from my father’s hand, grinning as his jaw split and shattered each second he opened it impossibly wider. The sound of his bones cracking reverberated as his skin split and his mouth gaped, wide enough to drop the crucifix right into his waiting, blood-soaked mouth and swallow it, right in front of us.
When he met our gaze, his broken jaw hung limply from his face, sad morsels of skin stitching a once-good man together. Whatever blur those hours were, that, I remember.
It was an anti-climax, really, because while I expected him to descend upon us all and rip us into thousands of pieces, he simply boomed his words, jaw still hanging as his evil spoke directly into our souls.
“When I return in 20 years, it is not just your small town that will bleed.”
Pastor Jon has been missing for 20 years. I’m not sure when he started his countdown, but I awoke this morning with a dread so sickening that I’ve barely stopped emptying my stomach. If it’s over and the earth turns to rubble, I hope somebody finds this and can at least piece together why it all came to a sad, premature end. We townsfolk kept our vow of quiet for this long, but there comes a point when silence is deadly.
I think today, Pastor Jon will be found.

You ma'am were my everything, from the moment I first saw you walking to my tow truck. I was in aww of you in that moment I was so hooked I can't explain it in any other way. I just needed to get to know the real you. Looking back I wish I could have slowed everything down a lot because we moved so fast. Opened the door for you and got you up into the truck. At first she was impressed I even would do that for her. She said it made her feel special and no one had ever done that for her. As I walked back to my door to get in time for me started to slow as I thought about a million things at once I was so drawn to her wanted everything for her and me to be amazing and guys, it really was great from my seat. She's absolutely gorgeous, sweet yet she's a pretty bad ass chick though. She's into heavy metal and rock over anything. She's my only ginger I've ever dated in my life. She's so beautiful, selfless when she knows u need something she is the first one to get it for you and she's an amazing cook, So incredibly sexy, and no matter what she broken and all was the only woman that I ever bought a real ring for wherever would and that red hair gets me now every time I find one around in my truck or my house. She loves to play with it as her nervous habit I used to say she was marking her territory jokingly but I loved watching her do it I love watching her play with it It was awesome to just be able to look over at her and see her sitting there was the greatest feeling in my life next to having my children and watching them be born. Seeing her smile was the most amazing thing I'd ever seen in my life That's what I lived for I lived for being silly with her and joking around and just having a good fucking time and spending that time with her no matter how much it was. I loved it always. Even when we fought I didn't ever stop loving her I did never stop caring about her obviously I was in it for us. Call me a wuss whatever you want I don't care I honestly have a thing with other people's hair it grosses me out when it is off the body so I'd have these piles of hair is have to immediately get out of the floor of my work truck when id open it for her to get her out of the truck lol it grossed me out but I didn't really care it was more funny that she was nervous cus we were so chill together. I quickly fell for this girl front the start and she was exactly what I said in the title. She's always going to be my blue little sundress passenger seat princess, the only women I've ever actually seen, planned, or dreamed of a future with and I've had longer relationship with kids even. But she has two sweet little girls that are amazing as well and I have become attatched to them as well throughout this 3 years. Especially because when her and I first met and went on our date I knew already that she was a mom of two but I hadn't met either one of them yet. Days after she was still with me and we spent every waking moment together in that truck. And we had a great time It just felt right. After that weekend was over we went to pick up her 3-month-old daughter. We had to go to the next town over and get her from her dad's house. As I got this little girl up into my truck put her car seat in the back of the tow truck I did what any normal person would do when meeting a baby for the first time. Started talking to her just to see her reaction to me. She was so sweet and so damn cute. She smiled so beautifully and was just so amazing it brought back all the memories for me having my kids. And that one really just cemented in the fact that I wanted to do this so much for my girl and I and for these kids cuz they were amazing. I spent my days just working away. Most the time with her by my side. There was times where yes we were not together 100% there's things she had to go do. Which was fine That's what we needed some time apart to miss each other cuz we did spend a lot of time together but honestly As long as we were there in my truck we were amazing together just hanging out while I was working spending time together and she said she loved watching me work. She loved how manly I smelled after and during a days work. Everything was great. So before her and I met I was always working and keeping to myself just trying to focus on myself but I lived in a hotel. So since her and I got hooked up together, we lived in my hotel which was not bad at all it was a fairly big hotel that offered reduced rates for long extended stays and they offered me a corporate discount. So it was fairly inexpensive as far as paying for the place but it was still extremely expensive compared to renting someplace. But it was by my own money because she had no income no job that I paid for everything. Literally everything. So as I worked 7 days a week and worked from time outta bed in the morning until well after midnight. I had no time to find our own place for cheaper living to start new direction for us. So she started searching for our own place to rent. Let's say we got distracted from that because of this damn drama that seemed to always be happening with her life. I'd always listen to what was going on with her and try to help. It's what I do in my everyday life I jump out of a truck when people are at their worst and it makes me feel a sense of joy because I get to get out of the damn truck like Superman get over to them and calm their life down a little bit slow it down for them when they're in their worst moments of the day and just take that weight off their shoulders. I get that fulfillment for my life that joy and it drives me to keep going That's the only reason I push through my days. I lived for it, soon after meeting her she became a big part of that meaning for me so much so I never even realized that it would end up costing me my career because I just couldn't do it anymore getting in that truck And as I open the door I see her there in the passenger seat with a flooded memory that comes rushing in and I get happy really quick like it's all real again and as soon as I sit down take my guys off that seat I look back over when it close the door cuz I'd always smile back at her when I got in the truck and she's not there and it breaks my heart every single time I experienced this so imagine getting in and out of that truck every day all day long and having to do that. I've been such an emotional wreck now that I literally had to go to my boss and quit my job because I couldn't safely do it and this was the job ladies and gentlemen that I prayed for at the end of our relationship I wasn't working hadn't been working for a few months because I just found out that I got cancer in my throat. So I got depressed I didn't know how to tell her my mom anybody being only 37 years old that I'm not going to be here that long Not as long as I thought so it started to destroy me and by this time in our relationship two and a half years in we had had several moves several little breakups but we'd always come back together and we always seemed great afterwards but then it always seemed like something would come up or she would lie or do something that I didn't like or that I wasn't approving of and every time I tried to talk to her about it she would just blow up at me and yeah there was lots of red flags I missed her out of a relationship I wish I could have done so many things different but stress and being what it is and everything you know I let my emotions get the best of me I let my my everything get the best of me every single time because as soon as she starts yelling it makes me louder and I just don't see anybody giving me that kind of a disrespectful stance especially when I'm trying to be calm I'm trying to just talk to them about it and then they blow up and makes me want to blow up right back So yeah my mistake but are honestly feel like it was just to cause me to do that so she could break up or we can break up and she can run away for a couple days and go get what she needed somewhere else and then come right back. That's what I feel like now. Don't know if it was all lie from delusional or what but everything I've read on here it all speaks to me so much that I honestly I really feel like I was lied to the entire time I was made to believe something that was never true This girl told me she loved me like 3 months in and I honestly felt it before that but I really think it was all just a facade now for her We found each other and we were broken pieces everywhere we started putting our lives together picking everything up putting ourselves back together and we felt more complete than anything is the way I saw our lives up until a year and a half into it though it was for me even with the little small breakups and stuff it was amazing It wouldn't trade it for the world soon as I found out I had cancer though guys It broke me I wasn't working I wasn't doing anything for myself and yeah that I regret I regret not just telling her right away because looking back now it may have helped but I doubt she would even cared She probably would have broke up with me then is how I feel now. But I never told her until almost 3 weeks after we broke up. The 17th of this month was my birthday my 38th birthday The day after is her 3-year-olds 3-year birthday. Which I didn't get to go to even though that little girl calls me dada loves me like there's no tomorrow and I love that little girl so so much she was like she was my daughter shortly after I found out I had cancer I was taking care of that little girl not working but taking care of her all day everyday for months in my house with her living here and my girlfriend living here while she worked. Then she's sitting here telling me griping at me that I need to get back working by about she can't be the only one working but then if I did that we wouldn't had a babysitter We would have nowhere for "Our daughter" She always insisted when I would say her daughter because she has a lot of hateful feelings towards her baby daddy. The other thing I forgot to mention is the fact that about 2 years into our relationship she went through a pretty major surgery for herself No one was there for her except for me I sat with her through the whole thing waited for her at the hospital I waited on her hand and foot at my place of living She laid in my bed took care of her gave her everything she needed and would do it again in a heartbeat The point is that I was there stood by her side took care of her in every way I needed to every way I could. In the first part of our relationship all the way through I'd say the first half She was always constantly wondering if I had eaten today or if I needed food or if I wanted her to cook me anything or I mean would she selflessly would do every single time she was happy to do it She loved doing it She loved being at the hotel and me coming home to a cooked meal how she would do it in her bra and underwear because just for shits and giggles you know She was the most sexually appetizing person I've been in with in my entire life number one and from day one of our relationship I never saw any other female on this planet My eyes never strayed not once they only saw her She was my everything. Fellas tell me when you fell in love If you ever felt the same because I know for me there was another woman on this planet that could ever even have compared to my woman she was so sexy so incredibly just mesmerizing for me and having her in my arms I felt complete I felt like a man I felt like I would move to heaven and earth for this woman and I was trying doing everything I could and it always just seemed like our little stupid spats and our bickering was so much more to her than it was to me because she would always end up leaving and going to her sisters. Her sister was and is so incredibly damaging for her mental state that I'm surprised that this woman has not killed herself yet She has no movement in her own life she's a stay-at-home girlfriend for her boyfriend of 16 15 16 years something like that and she is about a cow about 300 lb heifer that has always been jealous of anything the little sister gets that makes her happy that makes her have a better life than what big sister has then big sister has to sit there and destroy little sisters mental state just to bring her back down so she can feel good about her own self So anytime she ever went back there that's exactly what happened Big sister would just tear her down and break her down and it's just sick and that's where I think first mistake for us ever went was allowing her to move in there because as soon as she did seem like everything started going downhill and that's when I started finding things out about how much she was actually lying to me about stupid silly little things because her brother in-law and sister would talk to her about our relationship at night when they're all home together or whenever and they'd be giving her advice when these two are alcoholics they will not ever get married even though they've been together forever but this is just to not lose social security crap it's ridiculous there's a real fear of commitment between the two and a lot of damage between the two and it just fed right into my woman's head and I'm really truly believe it loud it her to be severely poisoned cuz she started turning into a completely different person but yet I still loved her like the day I first met her I still looked at her exactly the same I still do to this day even though she won't have anything to do with me for whatever reason I don't know I never got a reason but after everything we've been through I honestly felt like every time she made me promise never to leave her every time she made me the promise that she would never leave me no matter what blah blah blah I feel like it was all just a game to her now and a game to her family because my woman was the child that was traded off when things got too stressful for Mom she was the kid that was sent to the hospital to you know being the mental ward because it was just too tough for Mom to cope with having two kids and being as destroyed of a person as she is So of course that's led to a lot of emotional damages for my woman and for that entire family It's led to alcoholism and the other side of the family with her sister and her mom being best friends they hang out all day long and it's about the worst family situation you could think of but sadly she will still choose her family over anybody at the end of the day even though they don't choose her like that It breaks my heart to watch honestly the best thing she could do is cut them off from her life but there is a lot of times that she needed them there because she had no other option is what she felt instead of when we fought going there honestly alsoever wanted her to do is just calm down and instead of leaving stay here choose me over that bullshit fight choose me over the fucking nonsense of everything because at the end of the day none of it mattered to me I always forgave her for everything not because I wanted to be the doormat or because I allowed myself to be the doormat but because when I grew up I grew up in a Christian family That's what we do if we fight we work shit through I may not be the best Christian in the world but I know the values that I have in my family were not the same as hers they traded her off when times got tough they never showed her unconditional love so she doesn't even know how to unconditionally love her own children and it's really sad cuz honestly to this day I feel like that little girl would choose me over her own mother and that breaks my heart for her. I realize I've been rambling on for a while now but this one really doesn't sit right with me guys I've never had any issues with any breakup since this one and I know the mental state she was in when she made it and made this choice but the way she did it just recently after having promised her yet again and her promising me that we would never leave each other and to always fight for the relationship. She comes over about a 3 weeks ago we have sex been seen each other in a few days few days prior to that we went and took "our daughter" to her dentist appointment she had to be knocked out at and did great through who'd she want afterwards after she woke up me Not her mom just me to comfort her. So being the dad that I am of course I did that I gave her the comfort she needed we had a great day together but it was short-lived. My girl's been in such a bad spot mentally but she refused to talk to me about it I could never get her to open up and yes I did a lot of things wrong because I was always trying to fix her or trying to help her through it is how I see it She saw it as me trying to fix her and she said I don't need to be fixed. But I know I didn't see it that way and that may have been my mistake because she wasn't looking for advice or whatever on how to try to help her through it but she just wanted somebody to listen to her which I did I can repeat everything she's ever told me about an issue word for word I can almost predict in my head I can sit there and say okay what's she going to say. And then I can literally as she's saying it out loud I can pretty well determine already know what she's going to say while listening though just to make sure I don't miss anything It ends up being the same thing every time and it's always all about her family's issues and things going on between them. It's been this way for the last year and a half probably since she moved in there now just before this breakup she had been for a couple months looking for place for us to go cuz I want out of where I'm at now and she obviously wanted out of there and so she was supposedly looking for it for a place to go That was ours because I got a new job I sat here and prayed for a new job that I had applied for and they just weren't moving fast enough or something I guess because like 4 days before she broke up with me they called and I started working I was so happy I got back in that truck I was doing it for her for us for me for those girls everything was going the way I had invisioned it going. Then like I said two days go by she came over spend some time together We had a little quickie and then we went to her appointment with the psych doctor couple days later she breaks up with me This is how I wake up the next morning after being at work all night long in my tow truck to a text message and I'm blocked on everything every single social media outlet every everything that we had together online I'm just blocked. Knowing the mental state she was in I was like what the hell is going on now I got a short text message that said something like I can't do this anymore This is after going through her girl parts being taken out being with her the entire time waiting on her hand and foot this is after saving her daughter because her drunk ass sister drove home from their mothers house while watching the like 5-month-old baby at the time and ran the car into the fucking house in the middle of the night and we were both working shoot while she was watching her That's why she was watching her So of course I get a phone call she can't leave work and she's freaking out because her daughter was just in the car that just slammed into the house and did thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars worth of damage So what happens This guy goes and rescues the child and keeps the child with him the entire rest of my work night until mom gets off work there's lots of reasons that this woman has loved me completely and tried so hard and there's lots of reasons why I've loved her as completely as I could and tried so hard and tried getting back on track now I used her in those kids and myself to get me back to a point where I could even start to function again after finding out I had cancer and not knowing how to tell her or anybody and what hurts the most is the fact that she just gave up and just blindsided me with all of this if I feel like and it kills me but this is what I had to do because of her putting all her walls up and just stonewalling me with everything and knowing the fact that even on her Facebook she chose to not put family photos of us for up there but to put every other photo of that entire time together on there even ones that she had taken separately with just her and her girls making it look like nobody else was there the entire time She just failed to include the you know few pictures she took all of us. Which are now deleted off her phone obviously cuz she deleted everything of us together She always does that She always does it just deletes them because she never had any good memories as a child so she has an inability to just keep that stuff because it's painful to her now for some reason even if it was a happy memory She doesn't like those happy memories cuz those are painful that they're not going to happen anymore so she just erases everything and gets rid of it because it's easier for her while I'm not that type of person I'm a sentimental person I keep everything So of course when she goes gets her mind off track whatever I start to be sweet and send her you know our pictures together and things because I know she's already done deleted them which gets her nine times out of 10 and gets her right back to where she needs to be and realizing that I'm there for her that I I want her I choose her and I choose to do this together well not this time She completely stonewalled me wouldn't even respond to me for days and it was literally out of the blue So I'm freaking out because I'm thinking she's going to go hurt herself which she's tried to do a few times and she just reapped on all her medication the last time she tried to hurt herself that's what had happened She took all of her medication and thank God nothing happened but now she had you know six new bottles of pills which would have done it so I was scared for her life honestly. So I was literally just freaking out day after day night after night and all while having to work at night now with this new job in the truck that I was freaking out because I couldn't see her in my passenger seat anymore and then I was seeing her and then I was worrying about her and I was concentrating more on her than I was even able to do my job like I said I had to give it up even though I sat there and prayed for her prayed for myself to pray to get the job and it was literally a blessing because they created the position for me they didn't need to fill a position they created it for me I've been doing this job for well over 10 years of my career and I'm damn good at it Just not right now and so for the last month after everything that I found out everything that it's been said This is what I had to do guys and I I can't regret it I can't feel any type of way about it but I've been pushing and pushing and pushing on purpose because I know she's not coming back no matter what That's the way she feels but once I stop trying to fight for the relationship to fight for her and fight for those kids I know she's going to start to feel the feelings of losing me and it's going to start getting into her head so I knew if I stopped talking to her that's what would happen and she would try to slide right back into my life a month later whenever however it would happen she would come back eventually and I'm not going to be in a new place in my life where I would allow her to do that I can't So what I did was I pushed on purpose not only because she made me promise to do it but because I knew it's what needed to happen because I needed my mental state to be better and it's not right now I'm a wreck right now because of this woman because of losing this woman cuz I honestly felt like she's the one person on this planet that I would never let go. So my life is just turned into a fucking wreck on a wreck on a wreck because of her vindictive nature her mean-spirited bullshit when she gets mad She doesn't not have a filter so she uses her daughter against me how's it feel no that you'll never see "her daughter" ever again trying to dig into my heart and just cause more pain This is the type of stuff she would say to me That would just break me down to nothing. I've literally been in tears since the breakup and before that because I I think I kind of knew it was coming but I was just so depressed that I couldn't do anything I would cry every night even a month before we were broken up I would cry every night just cuz I missed her I missed her being next to me but that was her own fault that was her own doing She lied put words in my roommate's mouth that were never there and she couldn't apologize She could not be an adult and apologize to him and then it would have been fine She would have been a loud back at the house She would been able to come see me but she just is not the adult that I thought she was or that she used to be before when we first got together and and I don't understand what happened I can't see where it all just went so terribly wrong except for her moving in with her family. It has been the greatest experience of my life loving this woman but at the same time in the end it has been so destructive so I had to make sure that she would never come back So for the last month I've been pestering her coming at her yelling at her calling her all these names in the book and just destroying anything she ever had for me because I won't let her back into my life I can't cuz I know if I do it will be the death of me so I'm choosing me over the love of my life. The woman that I have lived for for this past three fucking years of my life given everything to worked my ass off so I could fucking just keep going the next day to provide what I could for us as a family mind you have paid for everything every waking moment for the first year and a half of our lives because she didn't have a job She didn't work so I paid for everything and that's everything we needed for the baby as well. That couldn't get bought with food stamps. Literally drained every bit of funds that I had saved up everything Just took me for a rollercoaster ride through hell but I chose me I choose me now And hopefully the apartment that she was finding for us the one that she supposedly went to Once she supposedly is at now I hope her I wish her all the best but I had to sit here and destroy any chances of ever being with the woman that I still to this day want because I know she comes back crawling back I knew that I would take her back in a heartbeat and I just can't do it so I had to get it done and over with for me for her for everybody because I won't be hurt like that I won't be disrespected like that I won't be turned into a monster because she tears me down with her hateful little remarks and digs into my heart that are totally unnecessary when I'm being everything I can try to be and be sweet for her She literally anytime I would try to be sweet would turn it into something it's not telling me I'm manipulating her telling me I'm doing this I'm doing that well okay so that's what I'll do That's what I thought and that's exactly what I did If I'm the monster let me know cuz I feel like it honestly but I know it's for the best. To my little blue sundress princess, the love of my life I'm Sorry I had to do what I did sweetheart I'll always love you no matter what babe Just can't have you walk back into my life and and destroy everything that I build from here on out because I'll end up killing myself and I don't want that to happen so this is goodbye even though I know you'll never read this. Just know that I see you everywhere in every place I go there's memories that flood back to me everyday that are amazing or that are bad or that are just that their memories they will fade eventually hopefully but for now they are still too real for me to just forget like seems like you want to do by going out there and supposedly live in your best life faking it just to make it for the rest of the world being that strong independent woman with that attitude exactly even though I know you're sad inside I know you just buried those feelings All the love you had for me and you're lying to yourself but that's on you now I tried I really really tried to get you to understand that that's where we were headed was the life we wanted so sorry I asked you to choose me and love me for me instead of love me for what I had or didn't have. I'm sorry I needed to do this or even felt like I needed to do this cuz I will always love you no matter what, But now my life is going to be for me and for me only for its remainder because you gave up the fight and I ended it.

Hi guys,
I am in a weird spot right now. I'm going to give you a summation of the events that led me here
1st GF left me and came back to me (5x) -> We finally break-up -> Met my 2nd girlfriend -> It was fantastic -> 5 months in I discovered that she lied about 95% of everything -> I forgave her -> We lasted for 11 more months -> Over the course of those 11 months, I was already deteriorating but I stayed because I loved her -> She said that she is also unhappy and unfulfilled because of our relationship [LDR] -> I break up with her because she deserves someone better, even though I loved her very much -> Met this girl Liked her for 2 months Formally met each other when our friend group drank together Found out she had a boyfriend Talked as friends They break up We hit it off Do couple things Ex comes back Ghosts me Sleeps with him I ask her if she's going to ghost me again and go back with him She says no-> Christmas break Ghosts me Went through a phase -> Met another girl We hit it off I found out she then slept with another guy hours before meeting up with me -> I left Stalked my "classmate's" Instagram they are now officially together [She and her ex] Try to cut her off We became blockmates We became groupmates Now..I am checkmate -> I try to ignore her, can't as we're always put closer for some reason -> I try to work it out with her -> She does something fckd up [Rinse and repeat x infinity] -> I bit the bullet and reached out again I drove her We talked -> Asked her if she wants us to just keep ignoring each other She says no -> We talk for a couple of days She ghosts me again I see her everyday as not only is she in my class, but we're in the same group -> Now, I am here.
So.. what is "here". Well, I realized that I was being toxic to myself. I have some serious issues. I hated being myself. I hated being alone. I can't open up to my friends and family as I didn't want to burden them, I have longed believed that I should only open to my "partner" about my issues, as I know I am not a burden to her. Ever since I was a fat sixteen-year-old kid, I have always wanted to experience having a girlfriend. Someone for myself. Someone to go on dates with, Someone to take cute pictures with, Someone to hold hands with while walking around/home, someone to cuddle with, Someone to go home to and just cuddle after a long day of school, Someone to take care of me when I'm sick, Someone to rest my head unto when I am tired. Those kinds of things. And though I have had 2 exes, both long-term [1st =13 months & 2nd =16 Months], So even though I have had girlfriends, I never really got to experience having a girlfriend. I was in a relationship with my phone as both of them were LDRs. So when I met my classmate, I thought that it was finally my chance to have something "Easy". To finally experience the things that I have long wanted to experience and in a sense..I did. Little did I know that.. that cute girl with glasses was about to treat me the worst. That's why I kept jumping from one girl to another. Cause I wanted someone to "unload" my issues to. I wanted someone to listen to me and then hug me afterward.
It took me 21 years to realize that.. that was stupid.
I shouldn't depend on other people for my peace and happiness and to fix me. I needed to learn how to be self-sufficient. Yes, I am used to being alone, because of my LDRs, but I was never really okay with it. I just acted like I was because I had no choice.
Now I am trying to be okay with it.
I ghosted everyone. I ignored all of my friends' messages and requests to go out. I want to be content while being alone. That's why the moment we get dismissed from class, I immediately leave so I can be alone. I don't want to hang out with my friends as I don't want to bring the mood down cause I can't be my normal jolly self, and I know as well that .. going out with them is just a bandaid solution. Yes, I'll be happy when I'm with them, but the moment I go home and I am alone.. Everything will rush in and break me. I don't want that. I want to rejoin them when I am fully okay. I don't want to rush into another relationship or girl again, as I don't want a repeat of what happened. I don't want to meet another girl as I will eventually fck it up again by being too volatile and by just acting too fast and just start unloading my baggage.
It has been 2-3 weeks since I last spoke to any of my friends. I have been going out and hanging out by myself for those 2-3 weeks. And.. this is the tricky part.
I seriously have no idea where I am. When I zone out, I don't cry anymore, but I am nowhere near happy. It doesn't hurt as much anymore not because I am doing better, but because I got numb. When I'm alone, I think about my ex and my classmate all the time, but this time it doesn't immediately break me. It just makes my chest tingle a little bit.
To be honest, I am scared. As I don't know how to let people in anymore. I don't know when to go back. A part of me is telling to me to go back now, but a part of me is saying I am not ready. The thing is I don't know when I'll be ready. Here's the thing too, when it's daytime I just distract myself by sleeping and working, and it doesn't feel as painful. Yes, I still get a little "When will I have that ..?" Whenever I see couples around me, but not as painful. But when it's nighttime.. when I no longer have enough energy to work. As I lie on my bed, I realize how "alone" I am as I have no one to end my day with. But the fucked up thing is , during the day I have almost no interest to talk to anyone. I actually don't reply as fast as I used to. Before, I'll reply as soon as I have the chance. Now, i'll reply like 6-10 hours later, not on purpose or anything.. I just don't feel like it, I don't know why [For real tho, can someone explain that..?]/ I want someone to be there for me, but after the past few weeks, I am afraid that they might not have space in my life anymore. Cause to be honest with you, cringe.. but when I'm sitting alone, a part of me wishes that someone would follow me and sit beside me. I've wanted that for years now. But I am slowly smothering that dream out.
I know I can't stay like this. I want to be better. I want to get out.
I just don't know how.
I want to be self-sufficient. I want to be happy and content on my own so when the time comes that I let someone inside again, when they inevitably do something fckd up, I won't hurt as much as I can manage on my own.
I want that.
But I know that I can't stay like this forever, and I don't know if I'm making progress or not. When I'm alone, things don't hurt as much, but when I see my classmate in class.. When I see her texting on her phone as the message I left a week ago remains inboxed I get pissed off. I don't know why. I know this looks like me putting all the blame on my classmate, and yes, she did do the most amount of damage in the smallest window of time. But to be fair, it was my fault as well. As a part of me kinda wanted to use her a way of getting over my issues that I have faced since I was a kid and from my 2 exes. Again, little did I know that Instead of helping me get back on my feet, she'll deal the coupe de grace that will make me kill the past version of myself. She isn't the sole reason as to why I have broken down, but she did do enough damage to kill me 25 times over, She was just the last straw to break the camel's back..but boy what a straw she was.
I still want to have a girlfriend, I still want someone to be there for me when I get home from school. I still want someone to call before I go to sleep, but I know I'm afraid to risk it, cause maybe I am not ready yet and I might rush and fuck it up again, so I shut myself out until I am sure that I am ready. But i know to myself that there's a huge possibility that I'll never be ready and one day I'll be surprised that 2 years have past and I am still in the same spot and I am still alone. This puts me in a loop as shutting myself down also shuts down any chance of me getting one.
See why I am so fckd?
Ugh I'm a mess, but I am not stupid enough to be delusional and think that I can do this on my own. I need some help guys.
sorry for the long entry, Love y'all.

My normal posts are 2-5 paragraphs. This is long because it's a starter.
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The sloping ground around the Kiaurk family mesa had been sculpted into shelves or terraces, and it was on one of those upper terraces that Kiaurk Nshurr now lounged beneath a pergola anchored to the striated stone face behind her. The mesa rose at her back: an enormous, looming, almost sheer outcrop that her family's dwellings had been carved into the face of. Wide, shallow steps cut into the artificial (but entirely convincing) sandstone wound their way up between landings and porticos leading inward, between tiny balconies shaded by bright solid-colored canopies, between rooms with flat walls and rounded corners that came jutting out to shadow the steps below. Rriigkhans rarely used glass as window barriers; smooth-edged holes had been cut through the rock in varying shapes and sizes. It could be difficult to tell which apertures were windows and which were entryways. A physical barrier that kept out the elements was obsolete in all but the crudest dwellings, though some of these larger holes were curtained with braided string or strips of cloth that served a purely decorative purpose.
From her high vantage point Nshurr could see the shelves stretching out below her as the base of the mesa leveled out to flattish terrain that was a wonderland of vegetation in muted rainbow colors: mustard yellows, clay reds, earthy browns and the occasional dash of sage or dusty blue. This scrubland lay like a blanket around everything below that was not part of the village between the mesas. Down there, adobe compounds never taller than two or three storeys seemed so squat compared to the mesas that Nshurr could see towering in the distance, many of those family mesas only a few hours walk from her own if she traveled by foot. The village sprawled, with tile parkways winding in serpentine fashion between the various buildings, courtyards, parks, and ponds. There were no property lines, no clear division of the land into neat little plots owned by the individuals who lived and worked in these places. It all seemed to be part of a whole, with a single unifying aesthetic. The village housed those rriigkhans of the lower castes, the kharratah and chelhautah, and the humans which were a caste all their own, haukagh-ar, except for a small number who lived with their masters in the caverns of the mesas or up on the plateau.
This planet, Sgarrl, terraformed over three hundred years ago, was home to more human servants than any other Ssaarian world – aside from Earth, of course, discovered eighty years ago. The fact that humans shared so much in common with rriigkhans made them the perfect species to incorporate into the rriigkhan caste structure as servants. They breathed the same mix of gases and required similar gravities, and their nimble little fingers were very useful for all sorts of work.
The rriigkhan language was not necessarily too complex for humans, but it was wholly unfamiliar – too many phonemes that did not fit comfortably in human mouths, from grunts to huffs, to rolling trills that might by voiced or not, sometimes rumbling out like a purr. To a human, Nshurr's name was a sigh and a trill, and yet she was accustomed to humans vocalizing her name in their heavy, slurring way: Na-Shuurr! Nasher! Sometimes simply: ɽ͡r! which she recognized more easily as her name, or at least part of it, and not some random sounds.
Still, despite the weird pidgin humans had made of her language and their English, she liked the little creatures. She had come to live with her Grandmother on Sgarrl only days ago, and had never encountered them before. The males only stood as tall as her collar. The females were shorter still, much like the males of her own species.
To human eyes Nshurr was felinoid, with a muscular swimmer's body and the broad muzzle of a big cat, with watchful, forward-facing predator's eyes that seemed unexpectedly expressive, because rriikghans had almost as many muscles around their eyes as humans did around their mouths to convey the nuances of emotion. Despite being larger than even many Earth men, she was considered sleek by rriigkhan standards. She made up for that with her broader crest.
The rriigkhan crest was something like the crest of Utahceratops – a keratinized plate growing up out of the skull, except divided into three lobes instead of two, with scalloped edges along the outer rim. Unlike depictions of Utahceratops, the rriigkhan crest was not covered by skin. At least, not on the top. Thick ropy veins squiggled under velvet fur on the underside, closer to the neck. (A thick, arching neck muscular enough to support the weight of that crest meant that Rriigkhans walked with a stoop that made them seem hunchbacked, to humans.) The surface of the plate on top was often rough, even bumpy or corrugated like deer antlers in some areas, smooth in others. Every female crest had four tines jutting from the front – a pair several inches above the eyes, and another pair further up. Directly above the lowest set of tines were twin holes, the howrf channels, just big enough for a human to insert a finger. These holes were very much like nostrils – much deeper, but damp inside, and lined with short, fine hairs to protect the sensitive mucous membrane from debris. The organs housed within these channels were the heart of rriigkhan culture, the foundation of all relationships, of sex.
Male rriigkhans, of course, had only their neotonous crests: diminutive, mostly smooth with rounded edges, without tines or howrf channels. Cute.
Nshurr's crest was wider than average, her upper tines spaced further apart, and combined with a compact face this made her look top-heavy. (A human might say that she was more snow leopard than lion.) Most female crests did not interfere with the movement of the ears – highly mobile, highly expressive paddle shaped things – but the edges of Nshurr's crest did jut out enough to almost shield them.
That her crest was weighty, that it was inconvenient, that she was often aware of it – this was Nshurr's pride. Her long tail curled in pleasure when she caught males looking at it. Humans seemed to be intimidated by it sometimes, as if she might decide to gore them with her “horns.” She considered herself a confident person; not a braggart, but self-assured, and to carry her jhekaah so visibly pleased her to no end.
Her fur was an almost peachy off-white, but a mask of pale peach shaded each seafoam green eye. The mask blended into the white further up her forehead until fur gave way to bone-tan crest, and was split between her eyes by the white of her nose. Oblong spots in that same peachy color, each blending from dark to light, streaked down her sides.
These weren't the natural colors of her distant ancestors. It was unheard of to see a rriigkhan who was not gene-modified in some way, even if those modded genes had been part of rriigkhan life for so long that no one thought of them as mods any longer. She also thought nothing of the subtitles her augmented reality implant displayed whenever a human spoke, AI translated to help her decipher the pidgin. AR was simply a part of her, had been since she was a kit.
Reclining as she was on a padded lounger in front of an iron brazier, full of cold ashes from last night's fire, Nshurr was dressed in a pale coral shift only a few shades darker than the peach of her fur. Medallions trailing fringes of cloth had been sewn onto the front bottom half of the knee-length garment. A row of those ornate medallions defined a plunging neckline that bared much of her chest, muscular and broad, possibly even masculine to a human. Her breasts were lower on her body and similar in appearance to a mare's udders: long nipples on a pudge of fat nestled close together on the pelvis, just above the place where her thighs joined her body. They were only small lumps beneath the shift when Nshurr stretched out her legs so that the thin fabric fell across them. It was the roundness of her hips and buttocks that marked her female to the human eye. (As if her crest didn't make that obvious!)
She was listening to the sound of two younger female cousins wrestling on a nearby terrace, and although from her vantage point Nshurr could not see them, she could imagine the scene from what she heard: Fherou and Lahk growling while they grappled with their arms, the crack of crest hitting crest and then the scrape of tine sliding against tine. Each was fighting to control the other's head, each trying to bite the other. It wasn't easy when each had a shaggy ruff to protect her neck, and any attempt to bite the other's face would be thwarted by an interposing crest. Rriigkhan hands were less dexterous than human hands, more pawlike with stubby fingers, but capable of delivering hard blows, and once or twice Nshurr heard a cousin snarl in response to a strike against her body.
The competitive pheromones her cousins exuded from their unextended howrfs, quite unconsciously, were beginning to make Nshurr's own heart beat faster. The end of her long tail, where it hung down from the reclining chair, lashed in agitation. She was beginning to imagine sinking her teeth into someone's skin herself, and if her cousins had not been so much younger and smaller than herself she might have gone down to their terrace to show them a thing or two. It was putting her off the human flute music she'd been listening to, fed directly into her own brain through her implant for her private enjoyment. (Certain aspects of human culture were very popular here on Sgarrl; she'd been curious about it.)
She did not feel like going inside to escape the pheromones; Nshurr craved the warmth of the sun on her fur, not the cool stone and artificial light of those warrens. Most of her male cousins had gone into the village for boating today. Well, perhaps she would go down and join them after all.
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OOC Information:
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For this prompt I imagine you'd play a human servant, probably a new arrival to Sgarrl but maybe someone who was born there. Even though I've set up a situation where my character would have a lot of power and yours very little, I want to clarify that I'm not interested in abusing your character I am looking for a slow burn interspecies romance that develops naturally. This story may deal with power imbalances and even speciesism, but I'd like to explore those topics realistically.
I want to explore all aspects of loving relationship... Flirting, cuddling, kissing, lots of romantic scenes and character growth. My “type” that I'm most attracted to are men with average bodies in the 40-60 age range, with realistic personality flaws. I am more than willing to tailor my character's personality and physical attributes to suit your tastes, within reason. I appreciate partners willing to do the same.
I prefer to reply more than once a day. 2-3 replies per day would be ideal, but I understand life gets in the way. I usually write 2-5 paragraphs, or 150-450 words per post. This starter is much longer than my typical post length, but my lengths vary according to need. If I'm introducing a new character or setting a scene, my post might go up to 1,000 words.
Please send a writing sample if you have none in your post history. No need to custom write anything for me, old samples are fine. Click here to PM me!

[Disclaimer ; Going to be a bit long and cringe]
Hi guys,
I am in a weird spot right now. I'm going to give you a summation of the events that led me here
1st GF left me and came back to me (5x) -> We finally break-up -> Met my 2nd girlfriend -> It was fantastic -> 5 months in I discovered that she lied about 95% of everything -> I forgave her -> We lasted for 11 more months -> Over the course of those 11 months, I was already deteriorating but I stayed because I loved her -> She said that she is also unhappy and unfulfilled because of our relationship [LDR] -> I break up with her because she deserves someone better, even though I loved her very much -> Met this girl Liked her for 2 months Formally met each other when our friend group drank together Found out she had a boyfriend Talked as friends They break up We hit it off Do couple things Ex comes back Ghosts me Sleeps with him I ask her if she's going to ghost me again and go back with him She says no-> Christmas break Ghosts me Went through a phase -> Met another girl We hit it off I found out she then slept with another guy hours before meeting up with me -> I left Stalked my "classmate's" Instagram they are now officially together [She and her ex] Try to cut her off We became blockmates We became groupmates Now..I am checkmate -> I try to ignore her, can't as we're always put closer for some reason -> I try to work it out with her -> She does something fckd up [Rinse and repeat x infinity] -> I bit the bullet and reached out again I drove her We talked -> Asked her if she wants us to just keep ignoring each other She says no -> We talk for a couple of days She ghosts me again I see her everyday as not only is she in my class, but we're in the same group -> Now, I am here.
So.. what is "here". Well, I realized that I was being toxic to myself. I have some serious issues. I hated being myself. I hated being alone. I can't open up to my friends and family as I didn't want to burden them, I have longed believed that I should only open to my "partner" about my issues, as I know I am not a burden to her. Ever since I was a fat sixteen-year-old kid, I have always wanted to experience having a girlfriend. Someone for myself. Someone to go on dates with, Someone to take cute pictures with, Someone to hold hands with while walking around/home, someone to cuddle with, Someone to go home to and just cuddle after a long day of school, Someone to take care of me when I'm sick, Someone to rest my head unto when I am tired. Those kinds of things. And though I have had 2 exes, both long-term [1st =13 months & 2nd =16 Months], So even though I have had girlfriends, I never really got to experience having a girlfriend. I was in a relationship with my phone as both of them were LDRs. So when I met my classmate, I thought that it was finally my chance to have something "Easy". To finally experience the things that I have long wanted to experience and in a sense..I did. Little did I know that.. that cute girl with glasses was about to treat me the worst. That's why I kept jumping from one girl to another. Cause I wanted someone to "unload" my issues to. I wanted someone to listen to me and then hug me afterward.
It took me 21 years to realize that.. that was stupid.
I shouldn't depend on other people for my peace and happiness and to fix me. I needed to learn how to be self-sufficient. Yes, I am used to being alone, because of my LDRs, but I was never really okay with it. I just acted like I was because I had no choice.
Now I am trying to be okay with it.
I ghosted everyone. I ignored all of my friends' messages and requests to go out. I want to be content while being alone. That's why the moment we get dismissed from class, I immediately leave so I can be alone. I don't want to hang out with my friends as I don't want to bring the mood down cause I can't be my normal jolly self, and I know as well that .. going out with them is just a bandaid solution. Yes, I'll be happy when I'm with them, but the moment I go home and I am alone.. Everything will rush in and break me. I don't want that. I want to rejoin them when I am fully okay. I don't want to rush into another relationship or girl again, as I don't want a repeat of what happened. I don't want to meet another girl as I will eventually fck it up again by being too volatile and by just acting too fast and just start unloading my baggage.
It has been 2-3 weeks since I last spoke to any of my friends. I have been going out and hanging out by myself for those 2-3 weeks. And.. this is the tricky part.
I seriously have no idea where I am. When I zone out, I don't cry anymore, but I am nowhere near happy. It doesn't hurt as much anymore not because I am doing better, but because I got numb. When I'm alone, I think about my ex and my classmate all the time, but this time it doesn't immediately break me. It just makes my chest tingle a little bit.
To be honest, I am scared. As I don't know how to let people in anymore. I don't know when to go back. A part of me is telling to me to go back now, but a part of me is saying I am not ready. The thing is I don't know when I'll be ready. Here's the thing too, when it's daytime I just distract myself by sleeping and working, and it doesn't feel as painful. Yes, I still get a little "When will I have that ..?" Whenever I see couples around me, but not as painful. But when it's nighttime.. when I no longer have enough energy to work. As I lie on my bed, I realize how "alone" I am as I have no one to end my day with. But the fucked up thing is , during the day I have almost no interest to talk to anyone. I actually don't reply as fast as I used to. Before, I'll reply as soon as I have the chance. Now, i'll reply like 6-10 hours later, not on purpose or anything.. I just don't feel like it, I don't know why [For real tho, can someone explain that..?]/ I want someone to be there for me, but after the past few weeks, I am afraid that they might not have space in my life anymore. Cause to be honest with you, cringe.. but when I'm sitting alone, a part of me wishes that someone would follow me and sit beside me. I've wanted that for years now. But I am slowly smothering that dream out.
I know I can't stay like this. I want to be better. I want to get out.
I just don't know how.
I want to be self-sufficient. I want to be happy and content on my own so when the time comes that I let someone inside again, when they inevitably do something fckd up, I won't hurt as much as I can manage on my own.
I want that.
But I know that I can't stay like this forever, and I don't know if I'm making progress or not. When I'm alone, things don't hurt as much, but when I see my classmate in class.. When I see her texting on her phone as the message I left a week ago remains inboxed I get pissed off. I don't know why. I know this looks like me putting all the blame on my classmate, and yes, she did do the most amount of damage in the smallest window of time. But to be fair, it was my fault as well. As a part of me kinda wanted to use her a way of getting over my issues that I have faced since I was a kid and from my 2 exes. Again, little did I know that Instead of helping me get back on my feet, she'll deal the coupe de grace that will make me kill the past version of myself. She isn't the sole reason as to why I have broken down, but she did do enough damage to kill me 25 times over, She was just the last straw to break the camel's back..but boy what a straw she was.
I still want to have a girlfriend, I still want someone to be there for me when I get home from school. I still want someone to call before I go to sleep, but I know I'm afraid to risk it, cause maybe I am not ready yet and I might rush and fuck it up again, so I shut myself out until I am sure that I am ready. But i know to myself that there's a huge possibility that I'll never be ready and one day I'll be surprised that 2 years have past and I am still in the same spot and I am still alone. This puts me in a loop as shutting myself down also shuts down any chance of me getting one.
See why I am so fckd?
Ugh I'm a mess, but I am not stupid enough to be delusional and think that I can do this on my own. I need some help guys.
sorry for the long entry, Love y'all.

[Disclaimer ; Going to be a bit long and cringe]
Hi guys,
I am in a weird spot right now. I'm going to give you a summation of the events that led me here
1st GF left me and came back to me (5x) -> We finally break-up -> Met my 2nd girlfriend -> It was fantastic -> 5 months in I discovered that she lied about 95% of everything -> I forgave her -> We lasted for 11 more months -> Over the course of those 11 months, I was already deteriorating but I stayed because I loved her -> She said that she is also unhappy and unfulfilled because of our relationship [LDR] -> I break up with her because she deserves someone better, even though I loved her very much -> Met this girl Liked her for 2 months Formally met each other when our friend group drank together Found out she had a boyfriend Talked as friends They break up We hit it off Do couple things Ex comes back Ghosts me Sleeps with him I ask her if she's going to ghost me again and go back with him She says no-> Christmas break Ghosts me Went through a phase -> Met another girl We hit it off I found out she then slept with another guy hours before meeting up with me -> I left Stalked my "classmate's" Instagram they are now officially together [She and her ex] Try to cut her off We became blockmates We became groupmates Now..I am checkmate -> I try to ignore her, can't as we're always put closer for some reason -> I try to work it out with her -> She does something fckd up [Rinse and repeat x infinity] -> I bit the bullet and reached out again I drove her We talked -> Asked her if she wants us to just keep ignoring each other She says no -> We talk for a couple of days She ghosts me again I see her everyday as not only is she in my class, but we're in the same group -> Now, I am here.
So.. what is "here". Well, I realized that I was being toxic to myself. I have some serious issues. I hated being myself. I hated being alone. I can't open up to my friends and family as I didn't want to burden them, I have longed believed that I should only open to my "partner" about my issues, as I know I am not a burden to her. Ever since I was a fat sixteen-year-old kid, I have always wanted to experience having a girlfriend. Someone for myself. Someone to go on dates with, Someone to take cute pictures with, Someone to hold hands with while walking around/home, someone to cuddle with, Someone to go home to and just cuddle after a long day of school, Someone to take care of me when I'm sick, Someone to rest my head unto when I am tired. Those kinds of things. And though I have had 2 exes, both long-term [1st =13 months & 2nd =16 Months], So even though I have had girlfriends, I never really got to experience having a girlfriend. I was in a relationship with my phone as both of them were LDRs. So when I met my classmate, I thought that it was finally my chance to have something "Easy". To finally experience the things that I have long wanted to experience and in a sense..I did. Little did I know that.. that cute girl with glasses was about to treat me the worst. That's why I kept jumping from one girl to another. Cause I wanted someone to "unload" my issues to. I wanted someone to listen to me and then hug me afterward.
It took me 21 years to realize that.. that was stupid.
I shouldn't depend on other people for my peace and happiness and to fix me. I needed to learn how to be self-sufficient. Yes, I am used to being alone, because of my LDRs, but I was never really okay with it. I just acted like I was because I had no choice.
Now I am trying to be okay with it.
I ghosted everyone. I ignored all of my friends' messages and requests to go out. I want to be content while being alone. That's why the moment we get dismissed from class, I immediately leave so I can be alone. I don't want to hang out with my friends as I don't want to bring the mood down cause I can't be my normal jolly self, and I know as well that .. going out with them is just a bandaid solution. Yes, I'll be happy when I'm with them, but the moment I go home and I am alone.. Everything will rush in and break me. I don't want that. I want to rejoin them when I am fully okay. I don't want to rush into another relationship or girl again, as I don't want a repeat of what happened. I don't want to meet another girl as I will eventually fck it up again by being too volatile and by just acting too fast and just start unloading my baggage.
It has been 2-3 weeks since I last spoke to any of my friends. I have been going out and hanging out by myself for those 2-3 weeks. And.. this is the tricky part.
I seriously have no idea where I am. When I zone out, I don't cry anymore, but I am nowhere near happy. It doesn't hurt as much anymore not because I am doing better, but because I got numb. When I'm alone, I think about my ex and my classmate all the time, but this time it doesn't immediately break me. It just makes my chest tingle a little bit.
To be honest, I am scared. As I don't know how to let people in anymore. I don't know when to go back. A part of me is telling to me to go back now, but a part of me is saying I am not ready. The thing is I don't know when I'll be ready. Here's the thing too, when it's daytime I just distract myself by sleeping and working, and it doesn't feel as painful. Yes, I still get a little "When will I have that ..?" Whenever I see couples around me, but not as painful. But when it's nighttime.. when I no longer have enough energy to work. As I lie on my bed, I realize how "alone" I am as I have no one to end my day with. But the fucked up thing is , during the day I have almost no interest to talk to anyone. I actually don't reply as fast as I used to. Before, I'll reply as soon as I have the chance. Now, i'll reply like 6-10 hours later, not on purpose or anything.. I just don't feel like it, I don't know why [For real tho, can someone explain that..?]/ I want someone to be there for me, but after the past few weeks, I am afraid that they might not have space in my life anymore. Cause to be honest with you, cringe.. but when I'm sitting alone, a part of me wishes that someone would follow me and sit beside me. I've wanted that for years now. But I am slowly smothering that dream out.
I know I can't stay like this. I want to be better. I want to get out.
I just don't know how.
I want to be self-sufficient. I want to be happy and content on my own so when the time comes that I let someone inside again, when they inevitably do something fckd up, I won't hurt as much as I can manage on my own.
I want that.
But I know that I can't stay like this forever, and I don't know if I'm making progress or not. When I'm alone, things don't hurt as much, but when I see my classmate in class.. When I see her texting on her phone as the message I left a week ago remains inboxed I get pissed off. I don't know why. I know this looks like me putting all the blame on my classmate, and yes, she did do the most amount of damage in the smallest window of time. But to be fair, it was my fault as well. As a part of me kinda wanted to use her a way of getting over my issues that I have faced since I was a kid and from my 2 exes. Again, little did I know that Instead of helping me get back on my feet, she'll deal the coupe de grace that will make me kill the past version of myself. She isn't the sole reason as to why I have broken down, but she did do enough damage to kill me 25 times over, She was just the last straw to break the camel's back..but boy what a straw she was.
I still want to have a girlfriend, I still want someone to be there for me when I get home from school. I still want someone to call before I go to sleep, but I know I'm afraid to risk it, cause maybe I am not ready yet and I might rush and fuck it up again, so I shut myself out until I am sure that I am ready. But i know to myself that there's a huge possibility that I'll never be ready and one day I'll be surprised that 2 years have past and I am still in the same spot and I am still alone. This puts me in a loop as shutting myself down also shuts down any chance of me getting one.
See why I am so fckd?
Ugh I'm a mess, but I am not stupid enough to be delusional and think that I can do this on my own. I need some help guys.
sorry for the long entry, Love y'all.

I don't know what I'm feeling. I have self-isolated and I want to get out.
[Disclaimer ; Going to be a bit long and cringe]
Hi guys,
I am in a weird spot right now. I'm going to give you a summation of the events that led me here
1st GF left me and came back to me (5x) -> We finally break-up -> Met my 2nd girlfriend -> It was fantastic -> 5 months in I discovered that she lied about 95% of everything -> I forgave her -> We lasted for 11 more months -> Over the course of those 11 months, I was already deteriorating but I stayed because I loved her -> She said that she is also unhappy and unfulfilled because of our relationship [LDR] -> I break up with her because she deserves someone better, even though I loved her very much -> Met this girl Liked her for 2 months Formally met each other when our friend group drank together Found out she had a boyfriend Talked as friends They break up We hit it off Do couple things Ex comes back Ghosts me Sleeps with him I ask her if she's going to ghost me again and go back with him She says no-> Christmas break Ghosts me Went through a phase -> Met another girl We hit it off I found out she then slept with another guy hours before meeting up with me -> I left Stalked my "classmate's" Instagram they are now officially together [She and her ex] Try to cut her off We became blockmates We became groupmates Now..I am checkmate -> I try to ignore her, can't as we're always put closer for some reason -> I try to work it out with her -> She does something fckd up [Rinse and repeat x infinity] -> I bit the bullet and reached out again I drove her We talked -> Asked her if she wants us to just keep ignoring each other She says no -> We talk for a couple of days She ghosts me again I see her everyday as not only is she in my class, but we're in the same group -> Now, I am here.
So.. what is "here". Well, I realized that I was being toxic to myself. I have some serious issues. I hated being myself. I hated being alone. I can't open up to my friends and family as I didn't want to burden them, I have longed believed that I should only open to my "partner" about my issues, as I know I am not a burden to her. Ever since I was a fat sixteen-year-old kid, I have always wanted to experience having a girlfriend. Someone for myself. Someone to go on dates with, Someone to take cute pictures with, Someone to hold hands with while walking around/home, someone to cuddle with, Someone to go home to and just cuddle after a long day of school, Someone to take care of me when I'm sick, Someone to rest my head unto when I am tired. Those kinds of things. And though I have had 2 exes, both long-term [1st =13 months & 2nd =16 Months], So even though I have had girlfriends, I never really got to experience having a girlfriend. I was in a relationship with my phone as both of them were LDRs. So when I met my classmate, I thought that it was finally my chance to have something "Easy". To finally experience the things that I have long wanted to experience and in a sense..I did. Little did I know that.. that cute girl with glasses was about to treat me the worst. That's why I kept jumping from one girl to another. Cause I wanted someone to "unload" my issues to. I wanted someone to listen to me and then hug me afterward.
It took me 21 years to realize that.. that was stupid.
I shouldn't depend on other people for my peace and happiness and to fix me. I needed to learn how to be self-sufficient. Yes, I am used to being alone, because of my LDRs, but I was never really okay with it. I just acted like I was because I had no choice.
Now I am trying to be okay with it.
I ghosted everyone. I ignored all of my friends' messages and requests to go out. I want to be content while being alone. That's why the moment we get dismissed from class, I immediately leave so I can be alone. I don't want to hang out with my friends as I don't want to bring the mood down cause I can't be my normal jolly self, and I know as well that .. going out with them is just a bandaid solution. Yes, I'll be happy when I'm with them, but the moment I go home and I am alone.. Everything will rush in and break me. I don't want that. I want to rejoin them when I am fully okay. I don't want to rush into another relationship or girl again, as I don't want a repeat of what happened. I don't want to meet another girl as I will eventually fck it up again by being too volatile and by just acting too fast and just start unloading my baggage.
It has been 2-3 weeks since I last spoke to any of my friends. I have been going out and hanging out by myself for those 2-3 weeks. And.. this is the tricky part.
I seriously have no idea where I am. When I zone out, I don't cry anymore, but I am nowhere near happy. It doesn't hurt as much anymore not because I am doing better, but because I got numb. When I'm alone, I think about my ex and my classmate all the time, but this time it doesn't immediately break me. It just makes my chest tingle a little bit.
To be honest, I am scared. As I don't know how to let people in anymore. I don't know when to go back. A part of me is telling to me to go back now, but a part of me is saying I am not ready. The thing is I don't know when I'll be ready. Here's the thing too, when it's daytime I just distract myself by sleeping and working, and it doesn't feel as painful. Yes, I still get a little "When will I have that ..?" Whenever I see couples around me, but not as painful. But when it's nighttime.. when I no longer have enough energy to work. As I lie on my bed, I realize how "alone" I am as I have no one to end my day with. But the fucked up thing is , during the day I have almost no interest to talk to anyone. I actually don't reply as fast as I used to. Before, I'll reply as soon as I have the chance. Now, i'll reply like 6-10 hours later, not on purpose or anything.. I just don't feel like it, I don't know why [For real tho, can someone explain that..?]/ I want someone to be there for me, but after the past few weeks, I am afraid that they might not have space in my life anymore. Cause to be honest with you, cringe.. but when I'm sitting alone, a part of me wishes that someone would follow me and sit beside me. I've wanted that for years now. But I am slowly smothering that dream out.
I know I can't stay like this. I want to be better. I want to get out.
I just don't know how.
I want to be self-sufficient. I want to be happy and content on my own so when the time comes that I let someone inside again, when they inevitably do something fckd up, I won't hurt as much as I can manage on my own.
I want that.
But I know that I can't stay like this forever, and I don't know if I'm making progress or not. When I'm alone, things don't hurt as much, but when I see my classmate in class.. When I see her texting on her phone as the message I left a week ago remains inboxed I get pissed off. I don't know why. I know this looks like me putting all the blame on my classmate, and yes, she did do the most amount of damage in the smallest window of time. But to be fair, it was my fault as well. As a part of me kinda wanted to use her a way of getting over my issues that I have faced since I was a kid and from my 2 exes. Again, little did I know that Instead of helping me get back on my feet, she'll deal the coupe de grace that will make me kill the past version of myself. She isn't the sole reason as to why I have broken down, but she did do enough damage to kill me 25 times over, She was just the last straw to break the camel's back..but boy what a straw she was.
I still want to have a girlfriend, I still want someone to be there for me when I get home from school. I still want someone to call before I go to sleep, but I know I'm afraid to risk it, cause maybe I am not ready yet and I might rush and fuck it up again, so I shut myself out until I am sure that I am ready. But i know to myself that there's a huge possibility that I'll never be ready and one day I'll be surprised that 2 years have past and I am still in the same spot and I am still alone. This puts me in a loop as shutting myself down also shuts down any chance of me getting one.
See why I am so fckd?
Ugh I'm a mess, but I am not stupid enough to be delusional and think that I can do this on my own. I need some help guys.
sorry for the long entry, Love y'all.

I am an artist.
”Eleven evil wizard schoolgirls in an archduke's library, dressed in red and black Asmodean schoolgirl uniforms, perched on armchairs and sofas”^\1])
Sigh, at least it’s not more catgirls. I don’t even draw them well.
I stretched briefly before starting this one, my arms reaching as far as they could go behind me as I leaned back in my chair. And then my neck, back and forth, side to side, crick and crick.
20 feet away, 20 seconds, every 20 minutes, I mantra’d, looking about the office, surveying the heads above the computer screens, dutifully doing all sorts of art. My eyes met briefly with Bill and we shared something of a nod. Why was he looking at me? Eh, I was looking at him.
I turned back to my work, and began drawing on the screen. It offered me a sort of imprint of what various image gen models would have done across multiple instances. With this heat map, almost as part of my process, I can nearly always imagine some ghost of a previous key work existent - a sort of platonic form of wizard schoolgirls, or maybe an amalgamation of the forms of both schoolgirls and wizards? Who knows. Whoever pioneered the sorcery and teenagers combo must’ve done well for themself.
I began filling in the inverse and emptier spaces with basic sketches of where I’d place each wizard schoolgirl, making sure there were multiple armchairs and sofas (four and 2, yeah, that feels decent). And I’d do something interesting and move these two behind the others, maybe they’re even twins, or is that a common trope and I’ll lose creativity points?
Huh. Somebody thought this first and then drew it, or maybe the artist even then was contracted? Who knows. I started making more aggressive lines, quickly placing each face. Maybe this one’s face is covered with her hair and this one is blonde but she’s dyed her hair black. And to be bold, this one has a ponytail.
Will I make an ‘unattractive' one? I pondered for a moment...
…nah, they say they don’t, but it definitely gets penalized.
On returning pen to screen my hand was a bit too ambitious and malpracticed across the page (one benefit, I suppose, is I do get exposed to quite a few more words than I used to). But this was fine, since the pen had a built-in ‘undo’ tap.
Of course, AI tools made drawing so much easier, but that was before we realized each little shake of the artists’ lines were that much more information to train with, and no this can’t be gamed with arthritis, it’s more nuanced than just arthritic artists.
It’s hard not to be somewhat conscious of this sort of nuance to my pen-stroke, especially as I start thinking about it. So I thought about it as I traced the sofas, and awkwardly tried-not-to-consciously-do-normally-subconscious-things-but-also-is-this art that I’m doing now? Hmm… I thought about it, a weird new style of consciously doing everything you normally leave to the subconscious, by intention… and maybe this even has value in the lines produced, ah whatever, just draw the Asmodean schoolgirl uniforms. Time is passing and I pull up some reference material.
Soon I’m adding details, lamenting the inability to just paste on faces for these girls, but whatever they probably all look rather same-y and simple across the genre and etc. so I sort of just cheat and rush through this part. I make a couple lines more scraggly for good measure, and one of the girls turns out looking a bit… queasy? Sorry, I thought to the poor queasy girl. Ah well, the prompt didn’t really specify more and I get paid by byte of info. More importantly, I need to meet my daily quota.
They had to put a quota, of course, since the artists would just keep waffling about all day! As opposed to being smart like doctors and optimizing for the number of patients seen. And, of course, I think it’s much too fast, but I would think that, wouldn't I.
Now I’m adding some background detail and rather fearfully trying to make that at least a little interesting with what time I might have left, as priorities clash, but I’m more or less finishing up and soon sending it to some poor sop to color. Speaks a lot for my work, I guess, that I feel bad for whoever receives it. Sigh. Adds further diversity, apparently, to mix up contributors, and training data is paramount so I shouldn’t feel that poorly really, that’s not the point. In any case, I’m glad I don’t have to do more experimental work, mixing artists on a piece, yuck. But maybe that’s the way we’re headed.
I take a step back from the piece and sanity check it for a moment, cleaning up my wizard schoolgirls as best I can to be prim and proper, and counting them like a school mistress might on a trip. Maybe it’s like I just took a group picture. I look back to the prompt and - shit! Forgot library. And I hurriedly start drawing book spines of gibberish on a shelf that emerges from the back wall.
Luckily, we haven’t run out of content yet, twelve schoolgirls is quite different from eleven and I could have even been so bold (dumb) as to do an armchair and sofa per schoolgirl! Though I have been known to be an afficionado of mixing mediums, so I’ve got some room for pleasure with new styles. Maybe someday they’ll value more quality data over quantity and filling out this odd possibility space. But I fear that maybe that’s not something that I can even do.
Unfortunately, I never quite keep to my 20 minute cycle, whatever that means for my eyes (bad). I look at the prompt again, I look at my drawing… sanity check number two passed, good enough for me. Now, why anyone would want,
”Eleven evil wizard schoolgirls in an archduke's library, dressed in red and black Asmodean schoolgirl uniforms, perched on armchairs and sofas”
I don’t know. But I guess I get the bigger picture. I actually rather enjoy some part of the process, the human injection is like an iterative challenge. What are all the norms you are trying to subvert without getting meaningless? Even as I struggle with time constraints - to innovate is to be a little guinea pig chompin at the water bottle thingie between wheel runs.
And certainly thank goodness I don’t deal with text! I’ve heard those guys go crazy and just start to babble after some time, although a few people seem to really enjoy that. No, I just get my next prompt,
“dune movie screencap, 2021, dune movie trailer, in the color blue, and there’s a female futar --ar 16:9 --v 6.0.”^\2])
Well that’s a spoiler for the fifth book in the Dune series for anyone who searches that up for reference. And after thinking for a moment, meh, I spent one of my few rerolls.
“Robin Hood and the 7 dwarves at a disco parlor, one is happy, one is sad and those two are staring at each other, one feels sonder, one feels angry and is hopping mad with a baseball cap while one more celebrates a homerun, and one is a catgirl.”
I count in my head... Isn’t this missing a dwarf? … and what the heck is sonder?
And so, I stretched again and looked out across the office of artists. Bill was looking at me again - man we are on the same schedule today, huh. I tried to work a bit faster or slower this cycle.

1. ^https://twitter.com/ESYudkowsky/status/1738589085847937463
2. ^https://twitter.com/Rahll/status/1739003201221718466

I don't know what I'm feeling. I have self-isolated and I want to get out.
[Disclaimer ; Going to be a bit long and cringe]
Hi guys,
I am in a weird spot right now. I'm going to give you a summation of the events that led me here
1st GF left me and came back to me (5x) -> We finally break-up -> Met my 2nd girlfriend -> It was fantastic -> 5 months in I discovered that she lied about 95% of everything -> I forgave her -> We lasted for 11 more months -> Over the course of those 11 months, I was already deteriorating but I stayed because I loved her -> She said that she is also unhappy and unfulfilled because of our relationship [LDR] -> I break up with her because she deserves someone better, even though I loved her very much -> Met this girl Liked her for 2 months Formally met each other when our friend group drank together Found out she had a boyfriend Talked as friends They break up We hit it off Do couple things Ex comes back Ghosts me Sleeps with him I ask her if she's going to ghost me again and go back with him She says no-> Christmas break Ghosts me Went through a phase -> Met another girl We hit it off I found out she then slept with another guy hours before meeting up with me -> I left Stalked my "classmate's" Instagram they are now officially together [She and her ex] Try to cut her off We became blockmates We became groupmates Now..I am checkmate -> I try to ignore her, can't as we're always put closer for some reason -> I try to work it out with her -> She does something fckd up [Rinse and repeat x infinity] -> I bit the bullet and reached out again I drove her We talked -> Asked her if she wants us to just keep ignoring each other She says no -> We talk for a couple of days She ghosts me again I see her everyday as not only is she in my class, but we're in the same group -> Now, I am here.
So.. what is "here". Well, I realized that I was being toxic to myself. I have some serious issues. I hated being myself. I hated being alone. I can't open up to my friends and family as I didn't want to burden them, I have longed believed that I should only open to my "partner" about my issues, as I know I am not a burden to her. Ever since I was a fat sixteen-year-old kid, I have always wanted to experience having a girlfriend. Someone for myself. Someone to go on dates with, Someone to take cute pictures with, Someone to hold hands with while walking around/home, someone to cuddle with, Someone to go home to and just cuddle after a long day of school, Someone to take care of me when I'm sick, Someone to rest my head unto when I am tired. Those kinds of things. And though I have had 2 exes, both long-term [1st =13 months & 2nd =16 Months], So even though I have had girlfriends, I never really got to experience having a girlfriend. I was in a relationship with my phone as both of them were LDRs. So when I met my classmate, I thought that it was finally my chance to have something "Easy". To finally experience the things that I have long wanted to experience and in a sense..I did. Little did I know that.. that cute girl with glasses was about to treat me the worst. That's why I kept jumping from one girl to another. Cause I wanted someone to "unload" my issues to. I wanted someone to listen to me and then hug me afterward.
It took me 21 years to realize that.. that was stupid.
I shouldn't depend on other people for my peace and happiness and to fix me. I needed to learn how to be self-sufficient. Yes, I am used to being alone, because of my LDRs, but I was never really okay with it. I just acted like I was because I had no choice.
Now I am trying to be okay with it.
I ghosted everyone. I ignored all of my friends' messages and requests to go out. I want to be content while being alone. That's why the moment we get dismissed from class, I immediately leave so I can be alone. I don't want to hang out with my friends as I don't want to bring the mood down cause I can't be my normal jolly self, and I know as well that .. going out with them is just a bandaid solution. Yes, I'll be happy when I'm with them, but the moment I go home and I am alone.. Everything will rush in and break me. I don't want that. I want to rejoin them when I am fully okay. I don't want to rush into another relationship or girl again, as I don't want a repeat of what happened. I don't want to meet another girl as I will eventually fck it up again by being too volatile and by just acting too fast and just start unloading my baggage.
It has been 2-3 weeks since I last spoke to any of my friends. I have been going out and hanging out by myself for those 2-3 weeks. And.. this is the tricky part.
I seriously have no idea where I am. When I zone out, I don't cry anymore, but I am nowhere near happy. It doesn't hurt as much anymore not because I am doing better, but because I got numb. When I'm alone, I think about my ex and my classmate all the time, but this time it doesn't immediately break me. It just makes my chest tingle a little bit.
To be honest, I am scared. As I don't know how to let people in anymore. I don't know when to go back. A part of me is telling to me to go back now, but a part of me is saying I am not ready. The thing is I don't know when I'll be ready. Here's the thing too, when it's daytime I just distract myself by sleeping and working, and it doesn't feel as painful. Yes, I still get a little "When will I have that ..?" Whenever I see couples around me, but not as painful. But when it's nighttime.. when I no longer have enough energy to work. As I lie on my bed, I realize how "alone" I am as I have no one to end my day with. But the fucked up thing is , during the day I have almost no interest to talk to anyone. I actually don't reply as fast as I used to. Before, I'll reply as soon as I have the chance. Now, i'll reply like 6-10 hours later, not on purpose or anything.. I just don't feel like it, I don't know why [For real tho, can someone explain that..?]/ I want someone to be there for me, but after the past few weeks, I am afraid that they might not have space in my life anymore. Cause to be honest with you, cringe.. but when I'm sitting alone, a part of me wishes that someone would follow me and sit beside me. I've wanted that for years now. But I am slowly smothering that dream out.
I know I can't stay like this. I want to be better. I want to get out.
I just don't know how.
I want to be self-sufficient. I want to be happy and content on my own so when the time comes that I let someone inside again, when they inevitably do something fckd up, I won't hurt as much as I can manage on my own.
I want that.
But I know that I can't stay like this forever, and I don't know if I'm making progress or not. When I'm alone, things don't hurt as much, but when I see my classmate in class.. When I see her texting on her phone as the message I left a week ago remains inboxed I get pissed off. I don't know why. I know this looks like me putting all the blame on my classmate, and yes, she did do the most amount of damage in the smallest window of time. But to be fair, it was my fault as well. As a part of me kinda wanted to use her a way of getting over my issues that I have faced since I was a kid and from my 2 exes. Again, little did I know that Instead of helping me get back on my feet, she'll deal the coupe de grace that will make me kill the past version of myself. She isn't the sole reason as to why I have broken down, but she did do enough damage to kill me 25 times over, She was just the last straw to break the camel's back..but boy what a straw she was.
I still want to have a girlfriend, I still want someone to be there for me when I get home from school. I still want someone to call before I go to sleep, but I know I'm afraid to risk it, cause maybe I am not ready yet and I might rush and fuck it up again, so I shut myself out until I am sure that I am ready. But i know to myself that there's a huge possibility that I'll never be ready and one day I'll be surprised that 2 years have past and I am still in the same spot and I am still alone. This puts me in a loop as shutting myself down also shuts down any chance of me getting one.
See why I am so fckd?
Ugh I'm a mess, but I am not stupid enough to be delusional and think that I can do this on my own. I need some help guys.
sorry for the long entry, Love y'all.