I hide a secret garden in my pocket Gravy Crocket Rocket sauce It refracts a rainbow from my elbow to my elbow arching over my jewfro Y'all can call me Gay Shaft, motherfuckers Yo dammmn right Watch yo mouth, Gay Shaft Would you like to see my garden? It's right this way Reach your hand inside Buy a ticket, take the ride If Candyland was a cornfield, We wouldn't be in Kansas anymore, Toto If you stare at the 3D magic art long enough, the 3D image will just pop out...right? Do you see? If you take the magic pill already provided for you free of charge by your friendly neighborhood Kyle nurse, I will show you what I'm talking about. Soul vitamins. They're kind of like Flintstones vitamins but they don't taste as good. And they get you fucked up. As stoned as the Flintstones? Hell yeah More stoned that the Rolling Stones? You bet yo sweet ass, babydoll, scoop me up some suga out that cotton candy dumpling looking ass Watch yo mouth, Gay Shaft

Hi there, I'm really new to this whole Femboy thing, in fact I've taken very little action on my own towards this side of myself. I'm also super shy about this sort of thing, and in general actually, that being said this is definitely something I want to at least try. My main goal would be to find someone who'd like to coach me through this, and hopefully we'd get to know each other and talk about other fun stuff and comfort each other.
That being said, if you're around my age and are similar in the sense that you want someone to try this alongside you and are figuring stuff out for the first time, I think it would be super cute if we were to try and stumble through stuff together, honestly thats my ideal scenario.
Some things to note:

1. I'm looking for a relationship first and foremost, if your here purely looking for nsfw stuff, I don't think that'd work out. Not that I mind that stuff mind you, it actually is another major point of interest, but I don't want to jump on that train too quickly.
   
2. I think open semi frequent communication is super important, I'm not expecting much here, hopefully we talk a lot early on and then move into talking maybe a few times a week. If you wanna use discord that a huge bonus btw
   
3. As mentioned earlier, I'm super shy, so don't expect any photo's early on, (I'd be maybe open to the possibility of it later if I trust you though, but again I'd probably take things really slowly).
   

And that's about it, I'm sure there's some stuff I've forgotten to mention, but if you want to know more hmu, my dm's are open.
Oh yeah and if you're looking through this and just want friends thats also totally cool so feel free to hmu for that too
Bye :3

Recently, I've only just realised. What I call friends and what people call friends are two seperate things. To me, I've never had a solid friendship with anyone else. I get along with most people, but the relationship is shallow. All my life, this is what I call friends. In reality, what I have are just acquaintances. They like me, I like them, we chat sometimes, and that's about it. I go back home and we never text. It's like a whole different life in school and outside of school. In school, I'm surrounded with these people. Outside of school, I'm always stuck in my mind thinking about everything.
I just don't get it, why do I have no friends? Any ideas? Do any of you relate? What can I do?

In which this ficnapping first-timer tackles An Introduction to Terran Zoology by u/Still_Performance_39. I'm still a newbie author, so imagine my surprise when I'm handed one of the most popular stories on the sub. One that's received the rare honor of being approved by the fifteenth holy knight of space himself. No pressure I guess lol.
I knew what I wanted to write about, at least. I've been waiting for this series to cover the ocean, so this was the perfect opportunity to do it myself! I had to think hard about what to include; the ocean is a big place after all. See if you can guess the secret (really obvious) theme I went with! Fingers crossed I did this story justice! (Shoutout to Wikipedia btw)
Memory transcription subject: Rysel, Venlil Environmental Researcher
Date [standardized human time]: Idk sometime after Cilany’s broadcast
Brahk, brahk, brahk!
I tore across the campus, sprinting for the Terran Zoology lecture hall as fast as my legs could carry me.
I can’t believe I overslept! Of all days, it had to be today.
Dr. Bernard had teased today’s topic last time. “By now we’ve learned about animals from all over Earth, and through our simulation exercises you’ve seen for yourselves how intricate Terran ecosystems can be.” I couldn’t help but chuckle at that. Everybody’s simulated ecosystems had failed catastrophically on their first attempts. It’d taken a herd of paws for everyone to accept how necessary predators were to maintain balance in Earth’s ecosystems.
“With what we’ve learned so far, we are ready to finally tackle one of if not the most complex and vibrant ecosystems on Earth: the coral reef. This lesson even has some direct relevance to us here on Venlil Prime. You might have heard the recent news about those biologists exploring Venlil Prime’s oceans not far from here. Well, the region they’ve been studying shares many things in common with Terran coral reefs. Learning about reefs on Earth could be a useful reference point for uncovering the secrets of your own oceans. I hope to see you all tomorrow!”
I’d been so excited I could barely fall asleep. I’d also completely forgotten that Milam was away visiting family. Why did that matter? Well, without the raucous squawking of her alarm, I’d overslept, and now I was about to be late!
My lungs and legs burned, but I pressed forward. There, the lecture hall’s door was still open! I dashed inside and scrambled to my seat, gasping and wheezing as I tried to still my beating heart. I’d made it.
“Wow, Rysel, you’re right on time. That’s the latest you’ve been yet!”
I glanced to my right and saw Sandi chuckling heartily at my expense.
“I -hrrf- over -hrrf- slept,” I wheezed, “didn’t -huff- want to -huff- miss this -huff- though.”
“Hmph. Rysel, of all Venlil, oversleeping for one of the Doctor’s lessons. Never thought I’d see the day,” Kailo scoffed from my left, snuggled deep into his duvet. I supposed it was technically an insult, but there was no hostility in his tone. I knew what real anger and hostility sounded like from him, and he hadn’t done or said anything like that for some time. No, this was just Kailo being Kailo.
I flicked my tail at him in a friendly greeting. “Good paw to you too, Kailo.”
He huffed and turned away, but I didn’t miss his tail swishing under his seat.
Kailo’s changed so much since our first day. It’s like he’s a different person. Honestly, I sometimes feel like a different person too.
I’d come a long way from being scared of humans and enrolling in the exchange program for money. Now, these classes were the highlight of every paw, and I couldn’t imagine wanting to do anything else.
My reminiscing was cut short by a familiar series of sharp knocks on the doorframe. My tail whirled with glee at the sight of the familiar figure.
“Good morning everyone! How’re we all doing on this very fine paw?” Dr. Bernard greeted us with a beaming smile.
Most of us beeped out a cheery hello in response. I glanced around the room, warm contentment welling in my chest. We were no longer the nervous, skeptical, and borderline hostile class Dr. Bernard had to put up with on the first day. Now, even the shyest participants flicked a friendly greeting in his direction.
“Excellent! I’m always delighted to hear your enthusiasm. Now, just to remind you, today we’ll be taking our first proper look at one of the most beautiful biomes Earth’s oceans have to offer. I always enjoy chatting with you all, but we do have a lot to get through today. Would anyone object if we skipped the banter this time and dive straight into the material?”
Yes, I’m ready! Let’s go!
The rest of the class echoed my sentiment, beeping with varying levels of excitement and curiosity. Bernard smiled as he glanced over everyone, his gaze lingering on me. “I’m happy to see that everyone’s excited for today’s lesson.”
It was at this point that I noticed that in my excitement, I’d jumped out of my seat and lunged onto the table. Sandi was chuckling merrily, and I heard a cough from Kailo underneath his blanket cocoon. Did I say that out loud? I slowly slid back into my seat, my ears blooming hot orange from embarrassment. I knew at this point that Bernard wouldn’t take offense to my outburst, but that didn’t make it any less embarrassing for a grown man to be jumping up and down like a pup.
“Since everyone seems to be on board,” Bernard said, graciously distracting everyone from my faux pas, “let’s dive right into our ocean lesson, shall we?”
His pun was met with scattered beeps and groans, though most of the class let out merry bleats to express their excitement for the lesson. The classroom’s monitor flickered to life, and gasps echoed throughout the room. The image showed a rocky seabed covered with what looked like strangely shaped rocks in a wide array of bright colors. The fish swimming among the rocks, many of them as colorful as their environment, stood out against the deep blue background of the ocean water. Of all the gorgeous pictures of life on Earth I’d seen, none had ever been this vibrant, this full of color. It almost felt like I was looking at an art exhibit.
Wow… this develops naturally_? It’s so pretty! I wonder how the rocks form those bright colors._
“There’s really only one way to start a lecture about coral reefs, and that’s with the animals that give them their name. Coral!”
Bernard changed the screen to a close-up of the weird rocks.
“Now, at first glance, these may just look like a bunch of weird rocks.” Wait, they’re not? “But they are actually colonies of living creatures.”
Confused beeps and whispers broke out in the audience, as people tried to wrap their heads around how the objects on the screen could possibly be animals. My mind went back to our first day, when we classified a bunch of Earth creatures as prey or predator. There had been quite a few aquatic animals, and several of them hadn’t looked anything like animals. Maybe this was something like that?
It seemed my seat neighbors had come to similar conclusions, as both of them looked relatively unfazed by Bernard’s reveal, Milam instead flicking her ear in thought while Kailo leaned forward with intense focus.
“Each of these colorful formations is made up of hundreds of tiny, genetically identical individuals called polyps.”
The screen changed to a close-up shot of what at first glance looked like a fleshy plant that had grown roots into the rock, but the diagram next to it had labels that read things like “tentacle,” “mouth,” and “stomach.” Animal parts, not plant parts.
“This is an individual polyp. They are very small, typically only a few millimeters in diameter and a few centimeters in height. They anchor themselves in one place by secreting an exoskeleton of calcium carbonate from their base. From their anchored spot, they catch and eat any food that drifts by with the tentacles by their mouth. The exoskeleton they make gets left behind, allowing new generations of the colony to build on top of it. Thus, over many generations, the colony can build a skeleton like the ones you saw in the previous photo, up to several meters in size.”
So that was how it worked! It made sense once he explained it. Colonial organisms were an uncommon but familiar concept in the Federation, though they mostly consisted of various small insects. The idea of invertebrates secreting an exoskeleton was also a known concept. This was the first time I’d seen both traits in a single creature, though.
“These skeletons are the structure upon which the reef ecosystem grows, providing shelter for thousands of different species. Even though they occupy less than 0.1% of the world's ocean area, they provide a home for at least 25% of all marine species, making them one of the most diverse ecosystems on the planet.”
With the truly staggering variety of species on Earth, 25% was no small number. My ears tilted back in awe at the pictures of the reefs on screen. They were like… underwater cities! Living cities that built themselves and teemed with all kinds of wonderfully fascinating creatures.
Bernard glanced around the room, wearing his “I’m about to ask a question” smile. The question arrived soon after. “Would anyone like to guess what corals’ diet consists of?”
Let’s see… they grab things with their tentacles, but they don’t move, meaning that they have to subsist on whatever floats by. Hmmm, why does that sound familiar…
The images from our first day still floated around in my mind. Wait! That’s it! I raised my paw.
“Yes, Rysel?”
“Is it like the jellyfish from our first day? Snagging small creatures in their tentacles and pulling them into their mouths?”
Bernard grinned widely. “Excellent conclusion, Rysel. You are right, coral polyps do indeed have similar feeding habits to those of jellyfish. Both coral and jellyfish belong to the phylum Cnidaria, so you were correct to draw parallels between the two. Obviously, due to their size, any prey they catch must also be microscopic.”
My tail wagged proudly at his praise. The feeding behaviors of jellyfish had horrified me back then, but now I could take it in stride. The fact that I could even remotely navigate the humans’ complicated classification system gave me even more satisfaction. I glanced around the room. A few classmates seemed a bit uncomfortable at the mention of coral’s predatory nature, but most remained fascinated and engaged. It’d taken months, but we were finally beginning to appreciate predators as something more than monsters, even if they had to be predators that didn’t even look like animals.
“However, while corals do feed with their tentacles, that isn’t actually where most of their energy comes from. You see, most corals have evolved a symbiotic relationship with certain types of algae that live in their tissues, which they acquire from the surrounding environment. The algae produce energy through photosynthesis, which the coral can then use. Algae also aid the coral in calcification for the coral skeleton and waste removal. The algae, in turn, benefit by having a safe place to live, and by consuming the coral’s carbon dioxide and waste products as nutrients. Truly an excellent example of two species coming together for the mutual benefit of one another.”
I knew what symbiosis was, of course. Traditional Federation classes loved to highlight how different prey species united together to benefit one another. It was considered a major part of the innate empathy in prey species that predators lacked. Not only was Bernard showing us a symbiotic relationship involving what would traditionally be considered a predator, but said predator was allied with a plant, of all things!
Was this phenomenon unique to Earth, or was this yet another thing the Federation hid from all of us?
“The coral reef is filled with mutually beneficial relationships like this. Take, for example, one of the most iconic reef creatures, the sea anemone.”
With the push of a button, the screen changed to show a creature that loosely resembled a coral polyp, only bigger, more colorful, and with longer tentacles.
“Now, sea anemones are close relatives of coral, and they share many similarities. They feed in much the same way as coral, snaring prey with their stinging tentacles and drawing it into the mouth. Their diet mainly consists of small fish, crustaceans, and other appropriately sized organisms. Despite its predatory nature, the sea anemone is often considered the poster child of mutualism in the ocean.”
Bernard’s words prompted hushed murmuring throughout the classroom. I was a bit unsettled by the anemone’s predator status, but those feelings were overwhelmed by my sensation of curiosity. What was it about anemones that made their relationships so notable? I just had to know!
I turned my ears to the conversations around me. Some classmates were saying that any mutualistic relationships an anemone could have must be predatory in nature: a union with other predators to hunt and kill more efficiently. Others argued it could be something else, like the coral and algae from before. Someone suggested that the humans were wrong about them, but that notion was quickly shot down.
Everyone’s reactions made me realize just how desensitized we’d all become to “predatory” things. While the term was still uncomfortable, Bernard had, through his lessons, patiently instilled in us the idea that predators were more than wanton bloodlust and violence. There existed predators like that, of course, but with such a broad and diverse class of animals, one would expect some horrible ones due to sheer statistics. Likewise, there would be plenty of good ones.
Sea anemones are predators, yet they’re famous for their mutually beneficial relationships with other lifeforms. If someone said something like that to me months ago, I’d never have believed them. I was so certain that I knew the fundamental mechanisms of ecosystems like the back of my paw. I chuckled to myself. Stars, so much has changed since then.
“First of all, many sea anemones form symbiotic relationships with algae in the same way corals do, benefiting from their photosynthesis while offering shelter and protection in return. But that’s hardly the only relationship they’re known for.”
Bernard changed the screen to a video of an anemone. Bright orange fish with white stripes swam around its tentacles. My heart skipped a beat as one brushed up against the tentacles, but the fish seemed unaffected by the anemone’s venom, much to my relief.
“This right here is one of the most famous symbiotic relationships on Earth: the sea anemone and the clownfish. These small, colorful fish have adapted to the anemone’s stinging tentacles, allowing them to nestle among them. The anemone protects the clownfish from predators, functions as a safe nesting site, and provides food from the leftover scraps of the anemone’s meals. The clownfish, in turn, defend the anemone from its predators, provide nutrients through their excrement, and circulate the water around the anemone, improving its respiration.”
As Bernard talked, the fish on the screen frolicked around their tentacled friend, the adorable sight eliciting pleased mewls from several audience members.
They protect each other, they feed each other, and they play together too! Who knew that two wildly different species could have such a beautiful friendship, even when one of them doesn’t have a brain!
Vlek spoke up, his voice skeptical. “Excuse me Doctor. You said that clownfish feed off of anemones’ meals. They are predators as well, then?”
“One could make that argument,” Bernard replied, “clownfish are omnivorous, and primarily feed on ambient zooplankton, with their diets supplemented by their anemone’s scraps and algae. The microscopic organisms they eat are so abundant that they don’t really need to hunt; they can just munch on whatever happens to drift by.”
“Like their anemone friends!”
“Yes, Rova, like their anemone friends!”
The class seemed to have mixed feelings about the clownfish’s diet. Zooplankton being tiny, simple creatures made it easier, but some still squirmed at the thought. Personally, I didn’t think it took away from how fascinating this duo was. As I’d come to learn with most predators, their diets weren’t what defined them; they were just one of many facets of their nature.
Bernard changed the slide to a photo of a different fish. “While clownfish are the most famous species to form mutualistic relationships with sea anemones, they are hardly the only ones. Take this cardinalfish, for example…”
Bernard went on to highlight several more species with special relationships with sea anemones, each one fascinating in its own way. Fish that laid their eggs among their tentacles. Snails that used them as shelter from predators. Crabs that mounted them on their shells for defense. One type of crab even attached anemones to its claws, using them as living weapons!
Such a simplistic creature, yet it’s evolved a rich network of relationships with so many different species. No wonder Bernard called them iconic.
Kailo fidgeted next to me. Something was obviously bugging him, but he seemed hesitant to speak up.
“Before we move on, does anybody have questions?” Bernard asked smoothly. He probably noticed Kailo’s uncertainty too. He had a teacher’s eye for that sort of thing.
Kailo huffed with determination and raised his paw. “Yes, Kailo?”
“Um, all the animals you’ve talked about so far have been pred– carnivores and omnivores. Where are all the pre– herbivorous fish?”
Bernard grinned. “That’s an excellent question, Kailo. There are herbivorous fish that graze on the algae of the coral, such as the parrotfish and the rabbitfish. That said, true herbivores are relatively uncommon in the ocean. After all, there aren’t many plants around besides algae and seaweed, and a lot of the algae that is there is integrated into the bodies of coral polyps. Thus, thanks to natural selection, most underwater species consume flesh in some form.”
A few months ago Kailo would’ve exploded in anger and denial at that response, but now his ears just tilted in confusion. “But… how can that work?? How can an ecosystem with so many pred– meat eaters sustain any sort of population, let alone the vast numbers you told us?”
Several sets of ears flicked in agreement at Kailo’s question.
“Of course, given what we know about land ecosystems, it makes sense to assume that the base of the food chain would be mostly herbivores. Under the sea, however, plants are much less abundant, so that role is filled by other animals. Some creatures derive nutrition by filtering food from the water or sand, much like a plant would pull sustenance from the air and ground. Many species, especially smaller ones, reproduce frequently and in large quantities, allowing them to sustain significant populations even when predators regularly hunt them. Finally, and this is a good transition into our next section, not all carnivores are predators.”
Wait. Huh? How does that even work? Isn’t that an oxymoron?
“Well, technically they are predators to the microscopic organisms they feed on, but they certainly aren’t predators in the traditional sense.”
A new set of images appeared on the monitor, showing off a handful of small fish and crustaceans.
“Now, as I’m sure you all have noticed, most fish don’t have hands or paws.” My brain conjured an image of a fish with furry Venlil arms. I stifled a whistle at the silly thought.
“This means that they can’t groom themselves. Dead skin, infected tissue, and nasty parasites can just accumulate on their bodies, and there’s nothing they can do about it. What’s a poor fish to do? Well, that’s where these guys come in. These are cleaner fish and cleaner shrimp. They are carnivores whose diet consists of dead or infected skin and parasites from the bodies of bigger fish, like so.”
He switched the screen to two photos: the left showed a fish (the parrotfish he mentioned just now?) floating by some coral with two cleaner fish picking at it. One was nipping at its scales, the other nestled all up in its gills. On the right, a cleaner shrimp mounted the back of a different fish, presumably using its claws to pluck things off its skin.
“These cleaners congregate in areas called cleaning stations, and animals from all over the reef swim to them to get cleaned. The cleaners remove parasites and dead skin from all the hard-to-reach places, like their gills and even inside their mouths!”
The monitor now showed a video, the contents of which elicited several gasps from the audience. The spotty fish in the video had its mouth open, revealing rows of sharp, mean-looking teeth. Side-facing eyes notwithstanding, this was definitely a predator. And a cleaner fish was swimming into its mouth. On purpose. And the predator just let it. We watched for a tense moment, waiting for those jaws to clamp down, but the cleaner swam out of the mouth with no issue, and the predator fish just… left, revealing a surprisingly long body to the camera as it did.
“That was a moray eel, considered an apex predator of the coral reef. Despite that, it allowed that cleaner wrasse to clean its mouth safely, and the wrasse clearly wasn’t concerned about being eaten. Would anyone care to guess why?”
Silence filled the room as everyone thought, until Sandi raised her paw. “Well, the eel wanted to be cleaned, and it couldn’t be cleaned if it ate the cleaner, so it resisted the temptation.”
As usual, Bernard paused to allow us to digest the answer before replying. “You pretty much got it! Even predators like the moray need cleaning, and eating the cleaners is a good way to get refused service from the rest of their kin. One minor correction, though. The average customer is not tempted to eat the cleaners, even when it’s a predator. There are exceptions, of course, but customers generally aren’t hungry when they show up for cleaning, or else they’d be out hunting instead. Moreover, the cleaner’s size makes for a poor meal; hardly worth the cost of being refused service at the cleaning station in the future.”
A chatter of discussion erupted after Bernard finished his explanation. It made sense, but it was still so… odd, to think about. I listened to the scattered conversations around me.
“How could a predator ever not be hungry? Sure, humans aren’t like that, but they’re sapient! An animal couldn’t possibly control…”
“...such a beautiful relationship. To think these cleaners get their food by helping others…”
“...wonder if there are others like them?”
The chatter hadn’t yet died down when the break bell rang.
“Ah, looks like we’ll have to end our conversation here for now,” Bernard chuckled. “Not to worry, though! Part 2 of this presentation will be after lunch, in which I will talk about humanity’s relationship with reefs and highlight some more of the amazing features of reef creatures. See you in a claw!”
Aw come on, you can’t just tease us like that! I have so many questions!
Coral reefs were so cool! I’d always thought the ocean was a dark, scary place where incomprehensible terrors lurked in the depths. Who knew the seas could be so lively, colorful, and fascinating?
I can’t wait to learn more!

Yeah, I’m done. There’s no need to do this to myself. Coffee is a stimulant drug; it amps up my nervous system but it does not intrinsically increase motivation for me nor help with executive function. These are choices I have to make for myself. But I’m in a prism where I don’t know what choices to make. And I feel like I have been constructing the prism for many years. My own life that I live and operate within feels strange and foreign. And I don’t feel like I make choices of my own accord.
i am afraid to eat breakfast in the morning. I am afraid of being tired. Why? Why would I be afraid of states of basic human function? We need to eat and we need to sleep. I don’t care about “workplace productivity”, and I work a retail job so as long as I try my best there isn’t much need for the sort of stimulation that caffeine imparts. I can seldom read beyond surface level comprehension in a fragmented way that feels unfocused and just oriented toward ‘getting through the book’ without truly engaging with the work. I can’t immerse myself in hobbies. I’ve been wanting to learn to play guitar for years but there’s a block. I feel so jittery, surface level, just looping constantly through obsessions like a little piddling bird just knitting and tangling through garish yarn. Attempting to unknot imaginary knots. I am not oriented toward purchasing Stanley cups or adult coloring books or any of the activities that caffeine-wired peoples can do with a sort of paint-by-number engagement, and I end up fixating on inane things such as which pair of shoes subjectively feels the best to replace the single pair of shoes I wear everyday with, and then I feel too anxious to make a choice.
There is maybe a lot more wrong with my life than others here. But probably not by much. For many years I was mildly anorexic and basically lived off of caffeine. However, I spent almosf all my waking moments just self-medicating by scrolling my phone because I am / was ruled by anxiety and needing to escape from that state.
Maybe “normal” people can drink a cup of coffee per day, but then why do they need to drink alcohol at night? Why do they seem to be automatic machines, generators of platitudes, and truly just systems going through motions? Yes, I understand I am that to an extent, even off caffeine. However, when I’m dreaming my brain is capable of imagining beautiful, original artwork on the inside of a strange Eurasian house that I have never seen before. There is a great texture to life I feel I am missing.
Relaxation is where play, freedom, and the capacity to reflect live. I think that caffeine consumption is causing me to miss that. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that ever since I began consuming caffeine regularly my mental state has been tumultuous at best. The eating disorder played a huge part, but now that I try not to engage with that line of thought and action, I’m just left with the habit of drinking coffee that doesn’t seem to serve me anymore.
This post may seem dramatic but I’m trying to write it as a message to myself as to why quitting would benefit me. Maybe I’ll realize it’s not worth it, but I won’t know until I try. I do think my nervous system and the way my brain works (right now) make this more important for me than it may be for others, and this isn’t a blanket statement suggesting quitting caffeine is the best thing to do in general. But I think for me, I just miss deep sleep. I miss freedom from all substances. I want to see what it’s like to not engage with the rhythms of a deeply sick society.
If I drink caffeine because I feel I need coffee to do something as simple as laundry, this is a deeper issue reflective of a sickness that I need to heal from. I’m alright not always ‘keeping house’ in an ideal way; there are things more important anyways.
“Oh, stranger at your wheel, you are locked into your suffering, and pleasures are your seal”

You have the most powerful transmitter and receiver of frequency or vibration in the universe at your control and at your command.
How amazing. Do you use it. Do you even know you have the power?
You are a powerful being, you have all the power and all the energy to make all your dreams come through.
The key is just getting your vibration correct. How?
When you emit a frequency (through your thoughts, states of mind, point of views or emotions), the exact same frequency is drawn to you. The entire universe works together to mimic that frequency and bring it towards you in events, situations or people.
More importantly, bringing up your Spiritual Energy while doing that allows your frequency to travel virtually in three dimensions all throughout the universe, in all directions simultaneously with the same intensity and this can even be picked up all over the globe by other people.
Spiritual Energy, just like Qi, Prana, Vayus, Piti, Odic Force, Tension, Aura, Mana, Orgone, BioElectric, Euphoria, Ecstasy, Nen, Secret Fire, Aether, Rûah, Intent and more is another word to define the Vital Energy/Life Force that you and every other living thing has.
This Spiritual Energy can be most easily felt within us when experiencing Frisson, or as the Runner's High, as the Vibrational State before an Astral Projection, as Qi in Taoism / Martial Arts, as Prana in Hindu philosophy, during an ASMR session and felt within us as Chills from positive events/stimuli.
This energy has been researched and documented under many names, by different people and cultures such as Bioelectricity, Life force, Prana, Chi, Qi, Runner's High, Euphoria, ASMR, Ecstasy, Orgone, Rapture, Tension, Aura, Mana, Vayus, Nen, Intent, Tummo, Odic force, Kriyas, Pitī, Frisson, Ruah, Spiritual Energy, Secret Fire, The Tingles, on-demand quickening, Voluntary Piloerection, Aether, Chills, Spiritual Chills and many more to be discovered hopefully with your help.
Here are three written tutorials going more in-depth on how to control this energy and on the technique to use your spiritual energy to consciously send out something you want to attract back in your life.
P.S. Everyone feels it at certain points in their life, some brush it off while others notice that there is something much deeper going on. Those are exactly the people you can find on the subreddit community Spiritualchills where they share experiences, knowledge and tips on it.

TLDR will be on the bottom, this is fairly long.
For context, I (34F) showed up to my step-son’s (4M) soccer practice because he, and his other siblings (16F) and (11F) asked me to go. I had a weird feeling about going knowing that their mother (39F) hates my presence. She has been diagnosed with BPD but states “I was misdiagnosed” and does have narcissistic tendencies when it comes to me and my partner (her ex husband 40M). My partner works off shore and stated the kids requested I go (recently the bio mom blocked them from talking to me so I can only talk to them through my partner). I have never approached her in a negative way. I attempted to build a relationship with her from the beginning and the entire time throughout our conversation she had already built an image of me in her mind that I could not convince her wasn’t true. So I stick to facts within our interactions, the few we have. I have been in her kids’ lives for going on 4 years now and they love me, their mother and stepfather are both diagnosed with cluster B disorders and are in denial but have all the behaviors (gaslighting the kids, not communicating, withholding event information, manipulating court order interpretations, etc) for context and I am in the field of psychology and qualified to recognize behavior patterns. Back to the issue at hand, and if anyone has questions for clarification etc. I will answer. I showed up to the park where the kids were practicing soccer, I was walking by myself ahead of everyone else, the kids see me and run and hug me, but their mother comes up behind me and shoos the kids away with her new husband and says “You don’t need to be here. Please leave!” I looked at her and say “This is a public park, what is the issue?” She says “You wouldn’t understand the issue and (your partner) states he does not want to talk about it!” And I asked “Does it pertain to me being here right now? At the park? I’m not sure how a past conversation pertains to this moment?” She retorts with “Just give us this practice, please!” Again I’m confused and asked, “Again, ‘give you this practice?’ This is the only one I have shown up to because the information of his soccer games and practices was not passed to us for a month.” Now getting I am adrenaline dump from the lack of communication. At that time her husband (NPD, 6’2” man, I am 4’10”) and stands there quietly glaring at me with his arms crossed when she states “I don’t want to start and argument or cause a scene” I looked across the field at the kids who were staring at us and I told them both to have a nice day and walked back to the car. I decided to stand on the fence line and watch them play from afar, which made their mom, and step dad visibly upset (pointing at me, flailing their hands around). The kids texted their father and were very upset and embarrassed at their mom and didn’t understand why she felt she need to “bully” and “start drama”. Two days later (yesterday) I went to the soccer game with my partners’ sister and we brought the kids snacks, etc. Bio mom was very nice and had a way different attitude in front of the other parents but made sure the other kids weren’t there. Except for her new baby (I cannot have kids and she has said to the kids that ‘God did not let me (their bonus mom) have kids for a reason’ and while she was pregnant, made it a point to flaunt her belly (which she admitted she did) and now I’m assuming “the baby” as well. Not clear if she’s flaunting the baby, but that’s my assumption. They were also angry that we showed up to the 11yr olds’ baptism recently because they intentionally withheld the information (they admitted they did, but gaslit the children) we found out through my partners’ mom who was asked about it by bio-moms’ new husbands’ ex wife. Husbands ex-wife and partner’s mom, as well as bio mom were in a church group together and have been friends for about 6 years. Bio mom obviously unsubscribed to the friendship when she married new hubby. Bio mom and hubby stated “we were heathens” to sum it up and that they “let the wolves in the church to sit next to their children”. So apparently they didn’t want us to “taint the church”. My partner and I have done nothing inappropriate with our children, we both have great jobs, live in a nice house, we don’t yell or berate the kids (as they report their mother does to them often ESPECIALLY if they want to see their dad more). My partner fights for his kids and has to constantly because bio mom violates the court orders or “interprets them in her own way” so partner deliberately gets less time and it’s very sad to watch. My sister (who is also BPD) says I don’t understand I am “crossing a boundary” and “unless I am a mother, I wouldn’t understand”. Her own grown children do not talk to her for a reason. So, AITA for showing up to support my step-son in a public place even though my very presence is crossing a “boundary” with mom? Am I not seeing it because I am not a “mom”? Can someone give me an unbiased explanation because I genuinely want to know. Being told “You wouldn’t understand because you’re not a mother” is very upsetting to me, so if there is a way that could be stated in a nicer way if that is the issue I politely ask to keep that in mind. I want to support my step kids, but I also don’t want drama and I know the more they see their mother act out, the more damaging it is for their relationship with her, which is also not what I want.
TLDR: Borderline bio mom doesn’t like me and sees my presence at public kid events is “crossing a boundary” even though I am there to support the kids at the kids’ request and told me to leave the public soccer practice. I only show to support the kid’s and try to avoid bio-mom. I was told because I couldn’t have kids and am not a “mother” I don’t understand how it’s crossing a boundary to support my step-kids.

Am i wrong in this situation?
Need advice regarding relationship with sister
Please read..please I don't have anyone to talk to
So long story short
Me and my sister have some issues, i feel she doesn't acknowledge my emotions
She is married and I used to live with her..and I have a chosen a career path that is some what non conventional and I was working on it but nothing was working out and sometimes I felt depressed and so I felt like doing nothing, I know it's my fault
My sister paid my rent and some one time tution fees (18k) and other little exolenses,when I was in College, it was a depressing phase and i felt suffocated in that degree but somehow cleared the exams . My parents don't know this as my sister felt that they can't afford it
Now when I finished my degree, i came to my sister's home and lived with her...in between I had a surgery too so she used to go to hospital with me too which I am eternally grateful for
Now i acknowledge all this she did for me but I would say she is quite controlling and I feel there were some emotional issues..i used for feel she totally disregard my emotions..she used to tell me how I cry too often and I am too sensitive and sometimes during agruements she also told me I am of no use and this career path I have chosen i will go nowhere..i understand she might be frustrated due to financial responsibility of me and her kids and her office it's expected to get frustrated..but I feel like she used to take that on me and she also told me i don't care about our parents (which i kinda don't cause I feel like there is no emotional connection between us I know it's my responsibility to care but again I can't force emotions but I know i might be selfish and irresponsible))
Now a big fight happened some days ago when she forced me to do teach maths at academy and told me you will have to do this otherwise leave this house...I don't like maths at all..and iam working on my own career which isn't going anywhere I know ..but then I stared crying and she told me bas kuch bhi bolo toh yeh aansun nikal aate hain...bojh ban kar bethi hai
Then I feel really bad and left her house and cake to live with my parents
Now it's been a month
Yesterday she called me a couple of times and i didn't pick up cause i knew there are still resentment fro my side and I don't wanna fight and I don't wanna talk with her cause kya fayda vo samjhti hi nahi hai...
Then she called my mom today and told her all that, how she paid for my expenses and how ungrateful and egoistic I am, she told my mom Jo mehengi cheez boli vo dilayi
Now I am really hurt, this isn't true, while I know she paid for my rent and other expenses but never did i once asked her to buy me anything like clothes , or other stuff ...only necessities like rent, spectacles, phone( it was 20k and I gave her 10 k from my savings which I saved in college) i needed to buy phone as my old phone went dead and it was all she did on her own ..i didn't particularly force her .I know she bought me quite expensive things but i didn't tell her to..I waa like Jo tujhe theek lge
Never did once i asked her to buy me clothes or said that I want the eat food from outside. Never. Even when I didn't use to have that good clothes,i I never asked her to buy me..if she saw while washing clothes that this is of no use..she herself bought me one or two ...but i never asked her, i never demanded anything, i swear
I know she has done a lot but I feel so bad that she told mom all this ...like i feel like she is trying to say ki ehsaan Kiya hai...like are relationships supposed to be like these? Kya sirf pesa hi sab hota hai?
And i promise the day I earn I will pay her everything back that too with interest
What made me leave that house and cut contact was she forced me to reach in that academy knowing I hate maths and how difficulty i cleared my degree exams... she said kuch nahi kar rhi..now that's true kabhi kabhi when I feel depressed I don't do anything but I was working on my career (I'm in writing)
And then after telling me ki bojh bankr bethi hai , she came to me telling me ki khana khila degi kya shiv ko(my nephew)she saw me crying and said bas yhi shuru ho jata hai hmesha ka and hum konsa tujhe maar Peet rhe hain
Then i felt like enough is enough and left the house
And I know she went to hospital in my surgery but there was no emotional support, it was a task for her and once she was telling some relative ki.hum pareshan ho Gaye Hain ...i know he has a lot on her plate, her family, job, kids
But isn't this emotional abuse?
When she called mom yesterday telling all this ki I paid all her expenses and apne bache ki tarah rakha and she isn't even talking , apne bache ki feelings koi consider nahi karta kya? I feel so bad and I know she has done a lot but I don't if I am wrong here
PLEASE GUIDE, PLEASE I'M REALLY DEPRESSED BY ALL THIS AND I FEEL LIKE WHERE DO I GO, i don't have anyone to talk to

She (25f) is from my hometown, and randomly reached out to me (26m) in June '23 via Facebook messenger. At that point and today I am living 4 hours away in the major city area of the Midwestern state for grad school, and I've also started a great career (things are going good for me, but my future plans are to move back to our hometown area; maybe within the next year). When I say randomly, she literally sent a "wave". We've never spoken before that, but I knew of her because of her family. I waved back, she offered her snapchat, and the rest is history. We maintained regular casual communication. Not every day at times, but it has been very consistent nonetheless. This girl is absolutely gorgeous, so obviously I was interested in her from the start.
We've both experienced what relationships have to offer in the past, and it seems like we are both at a point where we're only interested in something serious. I should also mention that she seems to be introverted and prefers to keep to herself generally. Anyways, there have been several instances where she's sent me very provocative selfies; nothing nude really except for one night where she had been drinking at home, and she made it sound like she didn't really remember. Most of them are standard, like in a bikini or underwear, sometimes it's just a regular selfie with obvious intentional cleavage. I should also add that she sends these in the middle of the night when she knows that I'm asleep. My normal response is to be respectful while letting her know how gorgeous she looks. This is definitely not the basis of our relationship, we have long and meaningful conversations regularly if not every day.
Anyways, around a month ago she asked me if I would ever want to go on a date when I was in town. I responded with a resounding yes, and she acted as if I was joking with her. I gave my reassurance, telling her that she is a cool and attractive girl and that it would be a lot of fun. The reason I hadn't made this sort of move before she did was because I've always been unsure of what her feelings are towards "us". She's complimented my looks before, and frequently tells my how "sweet" I am and how she values our interactions. But it seems like any time I had tried to make an advance towards anything romantic (not sexually necessarily), she wouldn't really shoot it down, but wouldn't foster the advances either.
Anyways, at this point I decided I would take the lead. I set a date for the next weekend (memorial day weekend), and suggested a picnic/walk type of situation. She picked the park where we would go. She and I were both nervous, but she was more nervous (she told me via our messages). So we met up at the park, I gave her a few flowers (small bouquet, she left them in her car so she didn't have to carry them around), and we walked to our picnic spot. I had brought a simple charcuterie arrangement, which we didn't touch at all (I was expecting that we wouldn't eat any of it, more of a formality). It was quite awkward at first, but we did warm up to each other eventually and talked for a few hours, playing an ice breaker card game and general conversation. I think I knew pretty quickly that I wanted to keep seeing her. When we were standing by our cars getting ready to leave, we had the stereotypical awkward standoff. I told her that I wanted to see her again, she agreed. I wasn't sure if a physical gesture was something she wanted as well, so we said our goodbyes and left (rooky mistake I guess, LOL). The next day she did tell me how she wished we had at least done something physical like a hug. I agreed and apologized because I'm not the greatest at reading the room. My bad! Next time I will know...
Anyways, in the next few days she was thanking me profusely, saying how sweet I was (what the hell does "sweet" mean???) and how she absolutely loved the flowers. She had them on her snapchat story and I've seen that they're in a vase on her window. Our communication escalated in terms of frequency and depth. I told her "You can tell me if this is out of line, but I think it's valid because we've been talking for a while, but I do care about you quite a bit". She responded with "I kind of care about you too.." (two periods?????). We're currently planning a weekend trip to see some waterfalls (her suggestion), but we'll probably go on some more dates before that. In general, it seems like I am normally the one to be flirtatious in terms of the things I say. Can I write this off to her shyness? Am I way off base? On paper, her and I are a great match. Our families are somewhat close, and our conversation comes very organically. I am head-over-heals for this girl, and I'm trying to be very calculated with my moves so as to not ruin it. I should also add that at this point, her provocative snapchats have pretty much stopped (not completely). I'm interpreting this as we're getting more serious and I don't think she wants to ruin it either.
She has not been blunt enough for me, and I am not great at reading signals. I have a few questions that I am desperate to get answers for:

• Does it sound like she has intimate feelings for me?
• Should I make more advances towards something romantic?
• Should I cool it down a little?

TL;DR, The girl I've been talking to gives me signals that I'm interpreting as mixed, but generally suggestive of romantic intentions. How should I proceed?

I've watched a few reactions of the recent State of Play and the Transmission from people who have never played any of the Silent Hill games previously, specifically people who know the series only from the cancelled Silent Hills project from Kojima. These people have, however, played a lot of Resident Evil, and I'm starting to see why reactions are as negative as they are outside of the fanbase. I thought I'd share a few thoughts.
Not understanding the gameplay loop: We juxtapose Silent Hill and Resident Evil a lot, but they share a common game loop; we're stuck in an area for a while and have to puzzle our way out, and while doing that we are subjected to spooks, chills, and thrills. In fact, Silent Hill has a lot in common with Village; we go from major location to location, but there's also a connected in-between zone to explore. I don't think this comes across very well in trailers, however, and I would even say this for Resident Evil games - the trailers don't usually tell you "you're going to spend a lot of time looking at the map, making decisions about where to go, wondering where to find the key for this door, do I have to kill these enemies or can I skip them," etc. This doesn't make for exciting trailer material but it's the core of the gameplay loop. I think if people understood that this was the case, they would be more favorable.
Environmental storytelling: This won't appeal to everyone, but there's a whole community of gamers who love diving into the lore of games where the storytelling is subdued or obtuse. This is part of the charm of the souls genre, at least when it is being subtle, because you can spend so much time reading item descriptions, noticing where items are found, building theories about why things happened and when - it's true that the themes of the game aren't subtle, but I think the world-building and lore are very rich. People who enjoy that sort of thing might be persuaded to try it out if they knew it was a thing.
Expectations are out of control: The race for photorealism has ruined gamer expectations, to the point that any game that doesn't meet the graphics of something like Horizon 2 or Red Dead Redemption 2 better be either heavily stylized or look like Undertale. If a game comes out that has good or even 'great' graphics but it's not meeting that high mark, it gets trashed. The comparisons to the RE remakes definitely don't help, either.
I'm super excited for Silent Hill 2 Remake, but these things do make me worry for any future titles, and also for Bloober as a dev studio. With all the studios closing, especially Tango Gameworks recently, we need as many good horror devs as we can get. This could be Bloober's big chance to level up as a game developer. If it turns out that the game does poorly, I'd rather it be because the game is actually bad and not because there was a prevailing wind of propaganda, misinformation, and blind internet rage that wiped it out before being given a chance.

Let me start by saying I've been very excited about this game; as someone who quite enjoyed building structures in the sims (my first foray into Gaming) and other building capabilities within games, the whole premise of this idea is extremely appealing.
So far I've dipped my toe in twice to the demo and very much enjoying exploring the tools. I've watched some of the advice and instructions on Youtube but even so, once in game, I have struggled to find the controls (more so in terms of the camera swivel and zoom in/out functions) as as intuitive as I would like. I did fiddle around with the Y Xis and this seemed to help a bit. I think and hope that more experience will allow me to get more used to these tool elements.

• That said, how on earth are people able to post screenshots of their creations please? I'm completely flummoxed how people are able to do this. I can take screenshots in game but no idea where these have gone?
  
• Movement of doors - I hope that the game will have the ability for you to grab an existing door and move it; I didn't like where a door was placed but couldn't for the life of me move it or adjust the path without creating a secondary door. Hopefully this will become easier to understand and manipulate at the launch.
  
• Freestyle cursor tool - I found it tricky sometimes to cease the element I was working and would love the ability to click like a freestyle cursor tool which allows you to click and edit pre-existing aspects of the building.
  
• How to edit an existing wall? I tried to adjust the wall which the demo has when you first launch the game, but I was not able to - it just started creating a duplicate wall which was not desired. Again hopefully this will become more intuitive at launch.
  
• More floweplant options and outdoor items to add (I'm sure this will come in due course)
  

Can't think of anything else but am excited to try and do more in the game and will await the full launch. I really hope the game will eventually come to Playstation as I am not as fond of PC gaming as I am of console and controller based gaming, which is more intuitive to me. However I will play on Steam currently and hope over time that the game becomes available on more devices.
Thank you so much to the Devs for their hard work in creating a relaxing and chill building game - very much looking forward to seeing more and creating more! <3

hey all. this is my second post in this community and first of all i would just like to say how helpful you have all been with my decision making & calming my wildly overthinking mind. that's why i want to ask all of you for your personal experiences again, as i trust people who lived through things more than most of what any by-the-book-doctor says.
today i want to ask you about scars left after acne (after accutane, if any, or just after acne).
my acne was probably hormonal, as it mostly went away on its own. it was wild during last summer, but right now, almost a year later, my acne is very mild without using any medication. salicylic acid was my best friend.
regardless, my acne left a few scars on my face, mostly on my cheeks and two on my forehead.
i went to see a dermatologist, as i was convinced microneedling or some fractional lasers will be able to help, as my scars are not very big & deep, and was surprised when derm told me theres nothing she can do to help me & that those treatments wont work for me. she instead wanted to put me on 20mg accutane which i find ridiculous since i barely have any acne. i wouldnt even call it acne, its just a few pimples here and there, mostly appearing before my period.
anyhow, i went to get a second opinion & the derm said my skin is not in need of accutane & i was perscribed some tretinoin gel/cream and will probably try it out.
did any of you deal with post-acne scars after accutane and how did you deal with them? i would appriciate any kind of reply here, if its medical or holistic. just anything.
also, its worth mentioning that when i look at pics from myself from 6 months ago, my acne scars are less visible! i don't know what did it, but my skin care routine consists of CeraVe SA cleanser, paula's choice salycilic acid & cerave moisturizer, both Am and Pm. during the day of course also spf.
thank you all for your replies! <3

I (19m) recently invited my best friend of 10 years (18f) on a mall trip with a mutual friend and she and her boyfriend (21m) ruined the whole thing for me and said mutual friend. I'm not sure if I'm just being emotional right now or if I'm being reasonable, but this mall trip resulted in me blocking the two of them on everything.
When my best friend got into a relationship, I understood that I was no longer going to be her main priority socially and that she was going to spend most of her time with her new bf, who she's now been dating for around 7 months. When they began dating, I didn’t really like him for a various amount of reasons, one of the reasons being that his bad habits really rubbed off on her or maybe enabled her to do the same things (this will be important later on). I only talked to her about it a little though, as she's never gotten very involved in my relationships or overly criticized them, so I felt I couldn't do the same.
Anyway, last week I invited her and a mutual friend on a mall trip together since, of course, it's been a while since the three of us hung out together. Since my best friend still lives with her parents and has very strict parents, she tells me she's going to ask her mom and see if it's okay to go. She informs me she'll tell me about her moms decision the next day on campus, and when we meet on campus the next day for coffee, she then asks me IN FRONT of her bf if he can come with us. I don't handle being put on the spot like that very well, so of course I agree and try to give her the benefit of the doubt since she's never done this to me before and I try my best to think she did it on accident.
Anyways, now comes the actual day of the mall trip. I had work until 5 pm and told them I wouldn’t be able to pick them up any earlier as my work place is at least 20 minutes away (my best friend agreed to this and I was under the impression her mom agreed to it to). I pick them up around 5:30 and when they get in the car, my best friend claims she has a bunch of missed calls from her mom and picks up frantically.
The phone discussion with her mom was kind of frantic because her mom is really just expressing worry for her, which I felt was reasonable so I mostly ignored. I was ignoring her phone call until I hear her mom ask her "What were you still doing on campus at 5? I thought you guys were supposed to leave at 4:30" At first I thought this was just miscommunication on my best friends part, and that she was going to explain that to her mom. However, my best friend them flips the script and tells her mom "I thought the trip was at 4:30 but supposedly it's 5", making it seem like it was MY fault she was on campus so late.
After she ended the call with her mom, I asked her why she lied to her mom in the first place and she said that she didn’t know why, but "next time she'll tell the truth". Her and her boyfriend then get in a discussion in the back of my car about how "crazy" their parents are and how HE lies to his mom all the time because she's "too strict". At this point I was really over it but we go to the mall anyways and look for the mutual friend I invited to come with us. While looking, I realize that my best friend and her bf are GONE and that they left me sometime when I was looking for the said mutual friend. I end up hanging out with that mutual friend and when I'm about ready to go, I call her and tell me to meet up at this store by the entrance. Now I have slightly bad eyesight and because of this, I don't like to drive when it gets dark. I tried to leave before sunset but because our trip was so late (my fault) of course it was already night by the time I was ready to go home. When her and her bf meet up with us, she then asks me in front of him AGAIN if he could get a ride home (this was very last minute and the only reason I'm so upset is because she invited him but he didn’t plan anything out himself) and I say yes. And to wrap up the night he fails to describe his neighborhood or where he lives, having my driving around looking for his vague description, and they make out in the back of my car.
I thought that surely my best friend would apologize for AT LEAST lying to her mom about it and making me look bad but she didn’t, and acted like the whole thing never happened. So last night I blocked the two of them on everything and I've been getting calls from random numbers and dms on random accounts ever since. My mutual friend and a few other friends have told me that what I've done was just too far and that they're just in their "honeymoon stage" and that I should unblock them. AITAH?

Grab a snack if you want to reads this lol, this is a long one.
I’m sure a lot of people are curious about the lives of intl sch ppl, and haven’t seen this kind of post before. While this won’t be a comprehensive look at everything, it’s just my experience in the last 6 months. There’s a chance someone here could recognise me based on what I say, but if anyone does, please don’t reveal.
I suppose the first question would be why. It’s the most sensible question after all. Why not do the ‘usual’ route. Unfortunately that decision was never mine to make. A bit of background on me would be helpful first. You could say I come from an elite/good sec school in express stream. My grades, especially from sec 3 onwards, weren’t fantastic. By mid years of sec 4 I had a whopping l1r5 of 39. Fearing for the toll of jc work on me, they decided to start the application process to the intl sch around the same period. Without telling me. Kind of a dick move if you ask me. They informed me around the June holidays, and we had quite a few discussions over the next few days.
The next question would be “Why didn’t I just say no?”. My parents had already put down the initial deposit that is part of the application process, and they would only get back a small % of it if they forfeited my place. And since we're talking about intl schools here, its obviously no kopitiam coffee fee. Even though they applied me to one of the three local intl schs (HCI intl, ACS intl, SJI intl), it still was sizeable, and I didn't want to put another burden on my parents (my sister's in uni). And yeah you can call me rich or wtv, idrc at this point. So now I was pressured to keep to this path. But I wasn't going down without a fight though. I had worked so hard to get into my sec sch, and my teachers were really dedicated to getting the best out of us. Same goes for my tuition teachers. Even though my results said one thing, everyone could read between the lines that I was improving. Everyone except the people it mattered to the most. So I made a compromise with my parents. If I score below 10, I could join the jc's of my choice. As you can see, that didn't happen.
Please don't see this as me being insolent towards people who worked hard to get into any jc. They made a point about my older sister's experience. My sister had an unpleasant time during jc (She did her A's right smack in the middle of covid in 2020). Unpleasant chers, uncooperative pw group mates, council slackers, yk the usual. I guess what pushed them over the edge was that these weren't isolated events, she's had to deal with a fair number of them over the years. And combined with me being on a similar trajectory (I had a terrible math cher in sec 1&2, and a terrible cca teacher in charge), I guess it led them to believe I would go through the same things. I don't blame them for caring about my well-being, but I think they overreacted. For one thing 2020 was an unprecedented year, for all of us, and no one could've predicted the way things went. Also my sister would've had a much different teenage experience coming from an all-girls school to a co-ed jc, as compared to me going from an all-boys. So there would've been things she found weird or uncommon that I would find perfectly normal. But they did say a lot of nasty things about jc and a levels as whole that really irked me. "Anything above 10 is a step down from the IB". Granted it's not entirely wrong, but to completely disregard it is unacceptable. For all its flaws, which there are many, the A levels is still a really good form of education. I don't think a lot of us realise how privileged we are to have our own exam system that is internationally recognised, and can be put against the likes of the American and British system. A lot of teens here strive to get one of those coveted spots, and a lot don't make it.
So then I wanted to get below 10. I guess this is where the problem lay. Instead of proving to myself what I could do, I was working to prove them wrong. Because it hurt, to me it was like they didn't believe in me. And that's the last thing a parent should do, make their child feel as though their parents have no hope for them. In the end I got 14-2=12. While I did lower it by three times from mid years, and twice from prelims, I was still crushed. Cause now I was going to an unfamiliar environment, and all of my friends were moving on, while I was left thinking what if. To add insult to injury, my parents still had the nerve to comfort me and say I still had a choice. Literally 2 months ago they were slamming the system and the school I was posted to (CJC science). No no no no, if I went to cjc and struggled, they're the kind to slander me for the next 2 years.
Now the part you've all been waiting for, my experience. It's only been six months, so anything I say is still quite limited/unfinished. I'll make another post at the end of next year for a better look back on my time here. I'll do things chronologically. Orientation (if you can even call it that), was kinda like getting to know your new class at the start of sec 3. There were only 26 new students coming in this year, so I figured we wouldn't be much of a priority either way. Everyone already knew each other, so I was left to my own devices for the day. And it was only one day anyway, it was more of a sports day tbh. The first few days was just trying to find my way to classes. I had missed a school tour in august last year cause it was right smack in prelims. I had to rely on my timetable and some help from my form classmates. Speaking of which, they're nice people individually, but we haven't had any good moments together apart from one time when we went to Bounce @ Grange rd. And even that was a mandatory event that all classes had to organise themselves.
Before going in I had a lot of assumptions and generalisations of intl sch ppl, a lot of which came from being in the local system. After 6 months in, I won't say they're wrong, but they haven't been completely disproven yet. Yk the usual lah, snobbish, out of touch, don't care about grades. But if there's one things my parents got right out of this whole ordeal, it was choosing the correct local intl sch. At least at the one I'm currently in, there's a lot less of those kind of people than I expected. There's a fairly big sg/pr population here too, which means ns boys hehe. But even the ones of different nationality, and those who have bounced around a fair bit, have been welcoming of me. I've even made a few friends here (playing football every day helps). So life's better that I thought it would have been. I genuinely thought I would've offed myself by know. That's how bad my mental state was at the start of the year. Add to the fact that they start in Jan, so I didn't get my extra 1 month break >:( But yeah life's been ok.
But it's not always been ok. One of the preconceptions I had of intl schools was the overinflated drama, which I unfortunately got from Hollywood. But I never expected it to be true, and somehow on a worse level than sec sch. Honestly I can't even keep track of things at times, and I've even been in the crossfire of a few. Things spread around like wildfire here, especially when everyone's known each other for 5 years+. I thought that after surviving an all-boys school, where people would wrestle half naked, nothing would faze me. But it gets quite extreme sometimes, from what I've heard. The more the money the more the drama ig.
Speaking of which, lifestyles are quite different here. Not in a bad way, it's just something I'm not used to. Everyone is used to each other and can spontaneously just do stuff like pop over to someone's house with zero warning. Leisure back in the hood would be the boys pulling up for a game of footie or a late night gaming session. Here there's a lot of travelling, brands, going out and spending kind of things. Stuff that I've never been accustomed to doing and never been comfortable doing, even when I could. Not saying that doing those sorts of thing is bad. If you have money you can and should use it, not everyone is as fortunate as we are. I don't mean to sound patronizing, this is just new to me, being surrounded by a lot of these people, whereas elsewhere it was just me and maybe just one or two other guys. I've had many friends, close friends who have looked at me solely on who I am, and not the numbers in my parents bank account.
Speaking of numbers, grades are an interesting subject (pun intended). There are your usual mix, the hard workers, the average ones and the slackers. I have classes with several of all, and I try to avoid the slackers, because I knew from the stary that I would be irritated by them. Dyk how many people will kill to be in their spot? And they're doing nothing but rotting on their asses. For some reason, working hard is kind of looked down upon. I guess at this point in the course of the Diploma, there's nothing much to worry about, but that doesn't mean you should be failing. It baffles me, as a person who used to fail constantly, now being top in my class for several subjects. Like I said before, 6 months is not an accurate representation of people's entire lives, but I expected some dignity at least. If there's one trait that's the most different between home and here, is that at home the value of hard work is appreciated and is a common struggle. Somehow me doing the bare minimum here (In my eyes) is seen as impressive, which is something I've actually been told. A lot pf people told me they'd die if they tried the O's.
Friends is another thing. I was fortunate to make a few, but not everyone was as lucky as I was. There was one guy in my form class who joined this year like me, but made 0 friends, so naturally he gravitated towards me, having also come from the local school system. In fact there were more than than just the 2 of us. There are about 7 (from the ppl I've met), including one who was from my sec sch that I met on ori day, which was a nice surprise. I didn't know him too well in sec sch (we were in different classes but played recess footie) , but we've become closer in the past months. We all sort of understood each other in terms of shared experiences, but we made different friend groups, except him. I saw him sitting by himself a lot, be it eating or studying. Eventually he left for poly. (My mum would've dropped dead if I wanted that). He told me that the diploma wasn't for him, which I can understand. I used to think that too (still do sometimes). But I wouldn't be surprised if that had played a part in his decision to leave. Some other kids were more fortunate than me, as they did what I wanted to do, leave after getting their O lvl results. He also mentioned el (they call it langlit over here) as part of the problem, which I also agree with. It's actually my worst subject rn, mostly because I dropped lit in sec 2 and didn't want to deal with it, another reason why I didn't want to do the diploma.
Final thoughts for anyone who's bothered to make it this far: Thanks for bearing with me lol. I have one more week before the school goes on the six week summer break (June hols essentially). Yes the term hasn't ended and yes the term dates are weird. I'm most probably going to lepak in my room the entire time, cause honestly I need it. I don't know what to make of my time here so far, it's felt more like a dream at times, but I'll just go wherever the river takes me.

I finally accept that limerence is just an example of my brain manipulating reality in such a way that reinforces its primary set of beliefs. As an evolutionary survival mechanism, the brain analyzes the environment in a way that allows it to reinforce itself, which then allows the human to form some kind of foundational understanding of the mindfuck that is human existence. Without this reinforcement, I believe the brain would be in a constant state of uncertainty, terror, and panic.
Because I grew up without ever meeting or speaking to my father, my brain is wired to reinforce this code: “I am neglected by the men I want in my life.” In order to reinforce this, the conscious and subconscious parts of the mind will do backflips in order to create an external, desirable, neglectful male figure. I have seen my brain turn an average guy into an unattainable Superman. The neglected mind cannot exist without someone to neglect it. Even though it is painful to me, my brain is just trying to survive and help me through reinforcement.
Another example(TW:SA), because I was sexually abused as a child by a close male relative, my brain has this code: “Not only am I neglected by the men I want in my life, I am also only meant to be desired by/in close relationships with men who are older, perverse, and abusive.” And I can assure you, my brain has done astounding backflips to reinforce this.
Furthermore, I now understand that my mind has created harmful, external figures because it cannot face the fact it is its own perpetrator of abuse and neglect. (I am not blaming myself for being abused as a child or absolving shitty people of their terrible actions. I simply realize the role I’ve played in my own suffering in adulthood.)
I am 24 now and grateful to understand this. I have a lot of fun recoding my brain and it works if you are diligent. When your brain is unhealthy, treat it like your child. When your brain is healthy, treat it like your life partner—because it is. I have so much self respect now that when I get a ‘limerent thought’, I immediately feel offended. Like… bitch how dare I disrespect me? 😂

On Sunday mornings our meeting is set up so a speaker reads this and discusses, then passes it around the circle and we each discuss. It’s a beautiful way to start the week, a great way to get focused shares and does well at unifying the room. Hopefully we can do this daily. I’ll discuss in the first comment and feel free to comment your share as well! Cross talk allowed!
A message for you from 24 Hours a Day AA Thought for the Day Some more things I do not miss since becoming dry: wondering if the car is in the garage and how I got home; struggling to remember where I was and what I did since my last conscious moment; trying to delay getting off to work, and wondering how I will look when I get there; dreading the day ahead of me. I’m quite sure that I don’t miss these things, am I not? Meditation for the Day You cannot believe in God and keep your selfish ways. The old self shrivels up and dies, and upon the reborn soul God’s image becomes stamped. The gradual elimination of selfishness in the growth of love for God and your fellow human beings is the goal of life. At first, you have only a faint likeness to the Divine, but the picture grows and takes on more and more of the likeness of God until those who see you can see in you some of the power of God’s grace at work in a human life. Prayer for the Day I pray that I may develop that faint likeness I have to the Divine. I pray that others may see in me some of the power of God’s grace at work.
Quoted from the app 24 Hours a Day.