Skits about being addicted to drugs
Humans just being bros
2013.06.06 21:26 tara1 Humans just being bros
A place for sharing videos, gifs, news stories and images of people being total bros.
2020.09.11 04:50 tinytyler12345 Just Guys Being Dudes
Funniest internet videos of Just Guys Being Dudes, boys being boys, and madlads goofing around.
2013.07.12 12:27 AsteroidShark Borderline Personality Disorder - Support Group
If you live with BPD/EUPD, or care about someone who has it, you're welcome here. Be kind to others to the best of your ability. This is is a nice place, help us keep it that way <3
2024.05.20 04:43 roseysventdiary is it weird the christmas special noone talks about made me more emotional than the actual show?
i will be honest and say that when i went into the show, i did know a lot of the grander twists and turns the plot took, as well as a lot of the character tragedies and fucked up things bojack did. it still left an emotional impact on me, and i adore the show from the start to the end regardless - but i didnt shed a real tear until i watched the xmas special after finishing the whole show.
i think what got to me about it is seeing the difference between the pure, sweet and cheesy sitcom world of horsin around and knowing what specifically bojack and sarah lynn devolve into later on. the tv bond where The Horse From Horsin Around is actually warm and loving and attentive with sabrina and comforts her over her pain and grief vs irl, where bojack drives sarah lynn into an even deeper hole of depression and apathy towards her own wellbeing, not caring about anything but his own hedonism as he goes on to enable, have sex with and do drugs with his own tv daughter. everything about their relationship makes the world of horsin around feel more like it could never exist as anything other than escapism; an idealistic alternate dimension where the pain of daily life is painted in shiny vibrant hues and dulled down with sardonic one liners and teeth rotting fluffy lessons
but i do think, in a way, the cheesiness of horsin around maybe couldve helped or inspired bojack, similar to how diane mentioned it helped her once as an emotionally abused young girl without a kind family. a sweet and soft reality where everyone is happy and learns a lesson at the end of 20-some minutes is obviously unattainable, and he would still have a childhood full of trauma and anguish behind him that he would need to stop running from - but for someone who says he gets his ideas of affection from what he saw on tv, i wonder how much better bojack’s life couldve been if he was more consistent and open with love and affection like his character was.
it may not even be much of an improvement, but atleast then he might have less of a “ruining peoples life out of his own narcissism streak” then he currently does. maybe then sarah lynn and the other people who dare to keep him close would find more of a support system in him, and be able to see a bit more of that kind dad horse, even if the perfection and hope of a sitcom character could never truly exist in a real, messy person. he doesnt have to be optimistic and shiny and perfect like a mr peanutbutter type or how he acts in brand new couch, but he mightve realized sooner than later that showing some extra kindness might make the pain of his life fade even just the tiniest bit
But um anyways thats all i have to say. (The Horse From Horsin Around Voice) i’ve heard of long verbose and sappy monologues about beloved and critically acclaimed adult animated cartoons about talking horses with depression addiction and truly illict sexual histories before, but this is ridiculous!
submitted by roseysventdiary to BoJackHorseman [link] [comments]
i think what got to me about it is seeing the difference between the pure, sweet and cheesy sitcom world of horsin around and knowing what specifically bojack and sarah lynn devolve into later on. the tv bond where The Horse From Horsin Around is actually warm and loving and attentive with sabrina and comforts her over her pain and grief vs irl, where bojack drives sarah lynn into an even deeper hole of depression and apathy towards her own wellbeing, not caring about anything but his own hedonism as he goes on to enable, have sex with and do drugs with his own tv daughter. everything about their relationship makes the world of horsin around feel more like it could never exist as anything other than escapism; an idealistic alternate dimension where the pain of daily life is painted in shiny vibrant hues and dulled down with sardonic one liners and teeth rotting fluffy lessons
but i do think, in a way, the cheesiness of horsin around maybe couldve helped or inspired bojack, similar to how diane mentioned it helped her once as an emotionally abused young girl without a kind family. a sweet and soft reality where everyone is happy and learns a lesson at the end of 20-some minutes is obviously unattainable, and he would still have a childhood full of trauma and anguish behind him that he would need to stop running from - but for someone who says he gets his ideas of affection from what he saw on tv, i wonder how much better bojack’s life couldve been if he was more consistent and open with love and affection like his character was.
it may not even be much of an improvement, but atleast then he might have less of a “ruining peoples life out of his own narcissism streak” then he currently does. maybe then sarah lynn and the other people who dare to keep him close would find more of a support system in him, and be able to see a bit more of that kind dad horse, even if the perfection and hope of a sitcom character could never truly exist in a real, messy person. he doesnt have to be optimistic and shiny and perfect like a mr peanutbutter type or how he acts in brand new couch, but he mightve realized sooner than later that showing some extra kindness might make the pain of his life fade even just the tiniest bit
But um anyways thats all i have to say. (The Horse From Horsin Around Voice) i’ve heard of long verbose and sappy monologues about beloved and critically acclaimed adult animated cartoons about talking horses with depression addiction and truly illict sexual histories before, but this is ridiculous!
2024.05.20 04:35 CarelessSentence1709 I think Doggett did a Pulp Fiction …. I don’t think she intended it to go that way…what about y’all??
I have A LOT of insight to this kind of situation. We already know she was initially part of the tweeker crew, but clearly she worked hard on herself and had time under her belt. I don’t think we ever see her use or even talk much about missing it as much as cooking meth. She struck me as the booze and meth type, not the garbagehead type like Leanne and Angie.
You can sort of see her relapse coming when she left Coates. I say this because my decade long struggle with addiction, in and out of recovery, made me extremely familiar with the NA IP on Relapse; anyone with any experience in the rooms already knows this, “the relapse happens long before you pick up the drug”.
Doggett’s decision to go back into prison was a responsible decision, and going for her GED was obviously the right idea, but this is the way it is with addicts, when things are going really well, sometimes it scares us, we worry about how far that fall will be and how bad it’ll hurt…..and what happens with the test was the catalyst, she started catastrophizing, and went back to what she knew. She went back to what she felt was where she belonged and who she was.
I also don’t think she knew what the hell it was they were snorting. She probably thought it was meth or she didn’t care.
I must say though, I’m surprised they weren’t able to revive her, but this may have been before Narcan was widely and readily available, as a nasal spray, and not just carried by EMS but placed in facilities like AEDs and Fire Extinguishers. My rehab and halfway had narcan kits in nearly every room, in the hallways by the bathrooms on each floor, my clinic gives everyone their own box to have too—and I’m talking at least as far back as 2019, likely before then.
Of course, if she was baby fresh, never even did the stuff before, even if she wasn’t, my best friend died, she wanted to die too….its a sensitive thing to talk about.
But another person who wasn’t really my friend, but I knew him well, he was a nasty older town drunk, and a garbagehead, but he was used to pills or very tiny amount of fentanyl mixed with niacin. When someone gave him the real deal, he was found dead in the yard where I last saw him, —alive tho, high but alive. I wasn’t the person who gave it to him but I warned him not to do the whole thing ……
My own man, OD’d the same day he got out of jail—he was gone a month and change, the only privately ran county jail in NJ, that I believe gets federal inmates too now, usually on their way in or out of actual prison.
He had methadone in his system, and used on top of it. He never ever ODd before, he knew better, which told me he did it on purpose….its like a half hearted suicide attempt when people do that. It’s like, you don’t necessarily WANT to die, you just want to be high and not deal with whatever motivated you to use….but if you happen to not wake up, ……—-that’s usually as far as the thought goes.
That’s the best way I can describe it. Now, after I called 911 and saved him, I told him to be careful now, he told me he was sorry, and admitted he did it on purpose. But I knew more about the mixing long acting and short acting opioid risk than he. And you are most at risk to OD after being narcanned…… he literally did it again 24 hours later. After he just survived. That was an accident. He wasn’t trying to die that time.
Frankly, this is why I decided to be on methadone maintenance because I know how I am, and the risk is too great. I’d rather have a tolerance so a moment of extreme emotion and irrational thought…..doesn’t become a tragedy.
Because I think more often than not, when people decide to use not caring if they die or not, it’s fleeting. They aren’t thinking straight, it’s that fleeting depression kind of wanting to die…..or it’s carelessness.
submitted by CarelessSentence1709 to orangeisthenewblack [link] [comments]
You can sort of see her relapse coming when she left Coates. I say this because my decade long struggle with addiction, in and out of recovery, made me extremely familiar with the NA IP on Relapse; anyone with any experience in the rooms already knows this, “the relapse happens long before you pick up the drug”.
Doggett’s decision to go back into prison was a responsible decision, and going for her GED was obviously the right idea, but this is the way it is with addicts, when things are going really well, sometimes it scares us, we worry about how far that fall will be and how bad it’ll hurt…..and what happens with the test was the catalyst, she started catastrophizing, and went back to what she knew. She went back to what she felt was where she belonged and who she was.
I also don’t think she knew what the hell it was they were snorting. She probably thought it was meth or she didn’t care.
I must say though, I’m surprised they weren’t able to revive her, but this may have been before Narcan was widely and readily available, as a nasal spray, and not just carried by EMS but placed in facilities like AEDs and Fire Extinguishers. My rehab and halfway had narcan kits in nearly every room, in the hallways by the bathrooms on each floor, my clinic gives everyone their own box to have too—and I’m talking at least as far back as 2019, likely before then.
Of course, if she was baby fresh, never even did the stuff before, even if she wasn’t, my best friend died, she wanted to die too….its a sensitive thing to talk about.
But another person who wasn’t really my friend, but I knew him well, he was a nasty older town drunk, and a garbagehead, but he was used to pills or very tiny amount of fentanyl mixed with niacin. When someone gave him the real deal, he was found dead in the yard where I last saw him, —alive tho, high but alive. I wasn’t the person who gave it to him but I warned him not to do the whole thing ……
My own man, OD’d the same day he got out of jail—he was gone a month and change, the only privately ran county jail in NJ, that I believe gets federal inmates too now, usually on their way in or out of actual prison.
He had methadone in his system, and used on top of it. He never ever ODd before, he knew better, which told me he did it on purpose….its like a half hearted suicide attempt when people do that. It’s like, you don’t necessarily WANT to die, you just want to be high and not deal with whatever motivated you to use….but if you happen to not wake up, ……—-that’s usually as far as the thought goes.
That’s the best way I can describe it. Now, after I called 911 and saved him, I told him to be careful now, he told me he was sorry, and admitted he did it on purpose. But I knew more about the mixing long acting and short acting opioid risk than he. And you are most at risk to OD after being narcanned…… he literally did it again 24 hours later. After he just survived. That was an accident. He wasn’t trying to die that time.
Frankly, this is why I decided to be on methadone maintenance because I know how I am, and the risk is too great. I’d rather have a tolerance so a moment of extreme emotion and irrational thought…..doesn’t become a tragedy.
Because I think more often than not, when people decide to use not caring if they die or not, it’s fleeting. They aren’t thinking straight, it’s that fleeting depression kind of wanting to die…..or it’s carelessness.
2024.05.20 03:31 Glittering_Depth_449 Bad Roommate trying to set me up to get locked up. NC
Backstory, I let this random stranger move in with me with no lease just a verbal agreement under the table. He has a 4 year old daughter and a junkie baby momma/healthcare worker. He is a ex drug addict, admitted to me that he was addicted to fent. Over a year ago I used to sell small amounts of weed. He asked me for cocaine verbally his first week here in my apartment. About a year ago, he allowed me to sell his baby momma a 8th of mushrooms. I got a full time job and stopped selling weed and other drugs last summer, since then I have been getting clean money working a very dirty job changing oil. I was more like a middle man than a actual drug dealer. My roommate and I are not on good terms anymore. I took him to court for a 50b restraining order because he got violent with me over some dirty dishes and messed my wrist up smacking dish soap out of my hand. I lost in court because he claimed he stood his own ground in front of his daughter. Mind you I am a black male from NC and he is a white man from Florida. He has refused to pay rent the past two months. After I lost in court, I went to the leasing office and told them that he was living in my unit for over a year. The apartment complex told me I can't move out until he is gone. They also told me that because I am a good tenant and I pay the rent that they will not evict me. They only asked that I give them a good Google review. The leasing office told me to tell him that they know he's there and lie that they are going to kick us both out. They basically told me to try and scare him to get him to leave. I gave him a 10 day notice to pay or leave and I have also given him a 7 day notice from the day rent is due that his lease/verbal agreement through me is being terminated. He has been on a month-to-month lease through myself.
I don't want to sue him, I am simply trying to get him to leave before the eviction process starts. Legally, he has claimed residency at my home. He keeps telling me that I'm about to get locked up. He claims I stole money from him. We have been splitting the electric bill. During the months of December, January, and February he did not pay rent. He paid me back $1500 during march when we got our tax returns. During the months of DecembeJanuary our electric bill was $133 for the two months. He was short on rent and he sent me $150. I used that $150 to pay off our $133 electric bill for Dec 13th - Jan 12th. He's claiming that I stole the $150 even though I have record that I paid the bill. I let the electric bill stack up over two months because he already owed me rent for the month of December and January. I got record of the money he sent to me because he sends me money through the Zelle app. I spoke with law enforcement today if that's actually considered stealing and they said no.
Lastly, I was doing dishes one morning while his 4 year old daughter was outside in the common area, my roommate is a artist and he makes raps and produces beats. He lets her watch tv in the common area unsupervised. His daughter started undressing herself in the common area while I was doing my dishes and I didn't even notice until I finished my dishes. Now he's calling me a pedo even though I never even touched his daughter.
I don't have any narcotics or drugs in my apartment. I'm filing for his eviction in a week. Can he really set me up with the PDF allegations even though he has no proof? Or the 8th of shrooms that was sold to his baby moms with his consent over a year ago? Or with the allegations that I "stole" the money he sent me through Zelle when he was behind on rent?
submitted by Glittering_Depth_449 to legaladvice [link] [comments]
I don't want to sue him, I am simply trying to get him to leave before the eviction process starts. Legally, he has claimed residency at my home. He keeps telling me that I'm about to get locked up. He claims I stole money from him. We have been splitting the electric bill. During the months of December, January, and February he did not pay rent. He paid me back $1500 during march when we got our tax returns. During the months of DecembeJanuary our electric bill was $133 for the two months. He was short on rent and he sent me $150. I used that $150 to pay off our $133 electric bill for Dec 13th - Jan 12th. He's claiming that I stole the $150 even though I have record that I paid the bill. I let the electric bill stack up over two months because he already owed me rent for the month of December and January. I got record of the money he sent to me because he sends me money through the Zelle app. I spoke with law enforcement today if that's actually considered stealing and they said no.
Lastly, I was doing dishes one morning while his 4 year old daughter was outside in the common area, my roommate is a artist and he makes raps and produces beats. He lets her watch tv in the common area unsupervised. His daughter started undressing herself in the common area while I was doing my dishes and I didn't even notice until I finished my dishes. Now he's calling me a pedo even though I never even touched his daughter.
I don't have any narcotics or drugs in my apartment. I'm filing for his eviction in a week. Can he really set me up with the PDF allegations even though he has no proof? Or the 8th of shrooms that was sold to his baby moms with his consent over a year ago? Or with the allegations that I "stole" the money he sent me through Zelle when he was behind on rent?
2024.05.20 02:44 menomenaa Chantix worked for me
I understand that Chantix is a divisive option for those looking to quit smoking. The reason I want to write this post is because when I did research online, both on reddit and other forums and looking for studies, it was overwhelming negative feedback. The main narrative was that Chantix made people depressed, suicidal, attempt suicide, or rage on the drug, and there were many warnings specifically against those with mental health disorders taking it.
I just want to share my experience to balance out anyone searching on the internet and may stumble upon this. Obviously do your due diligence, talk to your psychiatrist/doctor, and don't be mad at me if you hate it!
I started smoking young (teenager) and quit in 2013 when I was 24 going cold turkey, because I was broke and I felt guilty taking money from my dad for asthma meds when I was secretly smoking. Shame worked as a motivator, apparently. One quit, cold turkey. Fast forward to 2021, when a very close friend suddenly passed away. I am sober form alcohol, and rationalized that I "deserved one vice" while I grieved with friends. This addiction spiraled faster than the first time, and I was up to a pack a day fairly quickly. I tried many times to quit. Chose quit dates, tried the patch, tried the gum. Nothing worked. Chantix was my last resort.
About me: 34/female, mental health issues (anxiety, depression, OCD, probably others depending on the therapist's viewpoint). I started chantix knowing it could be bad, but I was desperate.
My experience with Chantix: I chose a quit date as instructed and planned on smoking the first seven days on the drug, as instructed. By day 3, cigarettes tasted awful. It was hard for me to finish one. By day 4, I was still mentally craving cigarettes but annoyed that I had to smoke a gross cigarette to get through it. When I finished a pack on day 4, I didn't immediately buy one. I still haven't. That was April 1st.
Obviously I'm still in 'early days' but the difference this time is there is 0 white-knuckling, I don't care about cigarettes, don't crave them. I just feel like a non-smoker. It's a non-entity that I don't think about. I have been on dates with men who smoke around me and I don't crave them. It's honestly magic.
My mood: I swear that Chantix has IMPROVED my mood. I've read a couple studies that this is a known thing for many people with depression, especially those on an SSRI. Chantix is great as an anti-depressant for many people, but no pharma company wants to touch a formerly black-box drug linked to suicide. I understand that, but I'm also sad more people don't know about it. Chantix has decreased my binge eat behaviors, and I've stopped biting my nails. Ironically, my suicidal ideation intrusive thoughts have also stopped. It feels like a miracle drug (for me) but I fully understand that it's not for everyone. Unfortunately PMS still sucked -- even Chantix couldn't cut through that (I was hopeful).
Feel free to ask me questions! Good luck everyone ˙ᵕ˙
submitted by menomenaa to stopsmoking [link] [comments]
I just want to share my experience to balance out anyone searching on the internet and may stumble upon this. Obviously do your due diligence, talk to your psychiatrist/doctor, and don't be mad at me if you hate it!
I started smoking young (teenager) and quit in 2013 when I was 24 going cold turkey, because I was broke and I felt guilty taking money from my dad for asthma meds when I was secretly smoking. Shame worked as a motivator, apparently. One quit, cold turkey. Fast forward to 2021, when a very close friend suddenly passed away. I am sober form alcohol, and rationalized that I "deserved one vice" while I grieved with friends. This addiction spiraled faster than the first time, and I was up to a pack a day fairly quickly. I tried many times to quit. Chose quit dates, tried the patch, tried the gum. Nothing worked. Chantix was my last resort.
About me: 34/female, mental health issues (anxiety, depression, OCD, probably others depending on the therapist's viewpoint). I started chantix knowing it could be bad, but I was desperate.
My experience with Chantix: I chose a quit date as instructed and planned on smoking the first seven days on the drug, as instructed. By day 3, cigarettes tasted awful. It was hard for me to finish one. By day 4, I was still mentally craving cigarettes but annoyed that I had to smoke a gross cigarette to get through it. When I finished a pack on day 4, I didn't immediately buy one. I still haven't. That was April 1st.
Obviously I'm still in 'early days' but the difference this time is there is 0 white-knuckling, I don't care about cigarettes, don't crave them. I just feel like a non-smoker. It's a non-entity that I don't think about. I have been on dates with men who smoke around me and I don't crave them. It's honestly magic.
My mood: I swear that Chantix has IMPROVED my mood. I've read a couple studies that this is a known thing for many people with depression, especially those on an SSRI. Chantix is great as an anti-depressant for many people, but no pharma company wants to touch a formerly black-box drug linked to suicide. I understand that, but I'm also sad more people don't know about it. Chantix has decreased my binge eat behaviors, and I've stopped biting my nails. Ironically, my suicidal ideation intrusive thoughts have also stopped. It feels like a miracle drug (for me) but I fully understand that it's not for everyone. Unfortunately PMS still sucked -- even Chantix couldn't cut through that (I was hopeful).
Feel free to ask me questions! Good luck everyone ˙ᵕ˙
2024.05.20 02:23 Remarkable-Issue-694 My boyfriend(25m) is always shooting me(24f) down, am I problem or is he just not happy?
My boyfriend (25m) of 3 years has been the literal bane of my(24f) existence as of late and I'm so tired of it.
I want to give some information on our relationship for context. We are a generally happy couple, we both have been through alot of stuff together which I'm not going to get into entirely because it's not relevant. One thing I Will mention is drug addiction was a big issue for us but both of us have worked on our selves alot and have grown from the past. We are best friends who love each other so much, people always say they want a relationship like ours.
Now for the problem. I have always had issues with looking after myself, I have bpd and I'm in the process of being diagnosed for ADHD and in recent months since starting medication I have been alot happier and more productive but I'm definitely still a messy person who doesnt shower every single day. My bf hates this and calls me lazy because I don't tidy enough or clean myself daily. He knows I've always struggled with this and I honestly do try to keep on top of it but he doesn't see it like this and always jokes about me being really gross and smelling bad. I used to be picked on alot because of my hygiene and he knows this, so this does sort of trigger me in day to life because I'm extremely self conscious of my smell. I know I don't smell bad but he does this alot that I almost believe it.
He's been very angry and nitpicky at me because of the issue mentioned, but he being like this with almost everything that I say that's slightly positive. The dynamic has been going like so.I'll say something, he will disagree with little to no reason, Ill push back and he'll get really angry and a fight will happen. For example; he had finally gotten a job and passport (I was the breadwinner for a while) and I suggested booking a vacation, and I was met with an attitude and him saying "no, I'm not booking a vacation. I'm saving this money to buy a house!" He had this job for 3 days when he said this btw, and when I pushed back about him being negative, like clockwork he snapped. This is the way we've been for a few weeks on almost any topic that I bring up that's ANYTHING and I mean ANYTHING positive and open minded. I'm really starting to think he might secretly hate me or something because who the fuck wouldn't want to go abroad after finally getting a new passport?? WHAT WAS THE POINT? I asked him for a break for a few days after we had a pretty bad fight, and he was really offended by it. He seemed surprised too, which I don't understand because I've literally been like a ticking time bomb from the shit he's been giving me. I want peace and joy in my life and he is literally draining me of it.
I just really need some sort of level headed advice. Like am I pushing him too much? Is he just an asshole? Am I crazy? I feel like I hurt him so I feel guilty and I just want things to be okay.
submitted by Remarkable-Issue-694 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]
I want to give some information on our relationship for context. We are a generally happy couple, we both have been through alot of stuff together which I'm not going to get into entirely because it's not relevant. One thing I Will mention is drug addiction was a big issue for us but both of us have worked on our selves alot and have grown from the past. We are best friends who love each other so much, people always say they want a relationship like ours.
Now for the problem. I have always had issues with looking after myself, I have bpd and I'm in the process of being diagnosed for ADHD and in recent months since starting medication I have been alot happier and more productive but I'm definitely still a messy person who doesnt shower every single day. My bf hates this and calls me lazy because I don't tidy enough or clean myself daily. He knows I've always struggled with this and I honestly do try to keep on top of it but he doesn't see it like this and always jokes about me being really gross and smelling bad. I used to be picked on alot because of my hygiene and he knows this, so this does sort of trigger me in day to life because I'm extremely self conscious of my smell. I know I don't smell bad but he does this alot that I almost believe it.
He's been very angry and nitpicky at me because of the issue mentioned, but he being like this with almost everything that I say that's slightly positive. The dynamic has been going like so.I'll say something, he will disagree with little to no reason, Ill push back and he'll get really angry and a fight will happen. For example; he had finally gotten a job and passport (I was the breadwinner for a while) and I suggested booking a vacation, and I was met with an attitude and him saying "no, I'm not booking a vacation. I'm saving this money to buy a house!" He had this job for 3 days when he said this btw, and when I pushed back about him being negative, like clockwork he snapped. This is the way we've been for a few weeks on almost any topic that I bring up that's ANYTHING and I mean ANYTHING positive and open minded. I'm really starting to think he might secretly hate me or something because who the fuck wouldn't want to go abroad after finally getting a new passport?? WHAT WAS THE POINT? I asked him for a break for a few days after we had a pretty bad fight, and he was really offended by it. He seemed surprised too, which I don't understand because I've literally been like a ticking time bomb from the shit he's been giving me. I want peace and joy in my life and he is literally draining me of it.
I just really need some sort of level headed advice. Like am I pushing him too much? Is he just an asshole? Am I crazy? I feel like I hurt him so I feel guilty and I just want things to be okay.
2024.05.20 01:52 inside_my_mind_777 I feel so lost.
I don’t know guys, I just feel so lost and empty.
I don’t even know what to say. I’m 17, I got a lot going for me career wise. All in all I probably have a bright future ahead of me.
Last night I made a pretty big mistake. It’s not just the mistake that I made last night that has me feeling the way I do, but I think it was the catalyst. It doesn’t matter what happened, but it made me realize a lot.
Honestly I wish I wasn’t sober right now. I can’t drink because of my meds, and I wouldn’t be able to hide it. Drugs are off the table cause I got a drug test tomorrow. Idk what to do, I’m just stuck here with my thoughts. I’m wary about drugs anyways. I was prescribes oxys about a year ago and got pretty heavily addicted and went through some pretty bad withdrawals. My anxiety meds ran out and I can’t get any more for a while. All I have is a half full bottle of hydroxyzine.
I don’t know man, I feel like I’m spiraling. I’ve put on such a positive face around everyone that if I break that now I don’t know what would happen. I feel trapped in my own head. I’m not breaking down crying or anything, I just feel empty. I saw a picture this morning of a car completely totaled and wrapped around a tree. I knew something was really wrong with me when I had a back of my mind genuine thought wishing I was behind the wheel.
It’s like purgatory. I’m stuck in this limbo of not wanting to die, but feeling so empty alive. I’m not going to kill myself, I don’t want that. I just feel stuck. I’ve been in bed all day. I haven’t really eaten, or talked to anyone. All of my favorite movies and shows just feel boring now. Same with my favorite games.
I feel like I’ve been living a lie. I feel like nobody knows who I am. I basically wear a mask in front of everyone because I know they’ll be disappointed in me if I don’t. I’ve done so many things I’m not proud of but it’s all I know. It’s the life I live with the people I spend my time with. I’m afraid of what people would think of me if they found out about the late night drug deals and stealing alcohol from convenience stores. Even on the internet I can’t talk about everything.
I don’t even know what else to say. I just don’t feel like writing anymore.
submitted by inside_my_mind_777 to offmychest [link] [comments]
I don’t even know what to say. I’m 17, I got a lot going for me career wise. All in all I probably have a bright future ahead of me.
Last night I made a pretty big mistake. It’s not just the mistake that I made last night that has me feeling the way I do, but I think it was the catalyst. It doesn’t matter what happened, but it made me realize a lot.
Honestly I wish I wasn’t sober right now. I can’t drink because of my meds, and I wouldn’t be able to hide it. Drugs are off the table cause I got a drug test tomorrow. Idk what to do, I’m just stuck here with my thoughts. I’m wary about drugs anyways. I was prescribes oxys about a year ago and got pretty heavily addicted and went through some pretty bad withdrawals. My anxiety meds ran out and I can’t get any more for a while. All I have is a half full bottle of hydroxyzine.
I don’t know man, I feel like I’m spiraling. I’ve put on such a positive face around everyone that if I break that now I don’t know what would happen. I feel trapped in my own head. I’m not breaking down crying or anything, I just feel empty. I saw a picture this morning of a car completely totaled and wrapped around a tree. I knew something was really wrong with me when I had a back of my mind genuine thought wishing I was behind the wheel.
It’s like purgatory. I’m stuck in this limbo of not wanting to die, but feeling so empty alive. I’m not going to kill myself, I don’t want that. I just feel stuck. I’ve been in bed all day. I haven’t really eaten, or talked to anyone. All of my favorite movies and shows just feel boring now. Same with my favorite games.
I feel like I’ve been living a lie. I feel like nobody knows who I am. I basically wear a mask in front of everyone because I know they’ll be disappointed in me if I don’t. I’ve done so many things I’m not proud of but it’s all I know. It’s the life I live with the people I spend my time with. I’m afraid of what people would think of me if they found out about the late night drug deals and stealing alcohol from convenience stores. Even on the internet I can’t talk about everything.
I don’t even know what else to say. I just don’t feel like writing anymore.
2024.05.20 01:38 Kingjames23X6 Advice (trigger)
I met this girl online out of no where to be honest I was already with someone that was living with me but I was in the process of getting her put out so we where not together anymore and that hurt it was like a 6 month relationship in real life. But here comes this other girl just out of no where on Facebook. We talked for a while and eventually grew quite fond of each other. She was so feminine sweet comforting to talk to Just feel so much peace talking to her. Like a lot of American woman are becoming more masculine attitude and I don’t really care for that because it’s always arguments all the time and it’s a nightmare, but anyway this lasted for a month and a half only and I told her like why do keep hanging up the phone and disappearing all the time like call one minute then the next hour it was odd. But she was on a big drug binge with all types of substances she is an addict, so am I I guess the only difference is mine is more under control. Like I’ve been on the phone with her when she could be ODing and I told her I would always be there for her. And the message I sent I guess maybe rubbed her the wrong way maybe. I was at work and she sent me 4 messages in a row along the lines of like I don’t think you want to talk to me, just do your own thing, if you don’t wanna talk that’s fine I’ll go and they where spaced out 15 minutes apart but I was working and didn’t look by the time I saw it said used can’t be reached A.K.A blocked. So obviously I was shocked I don’t even know if she’s okay I think I took her for granted because even in real life nothing really stung me like this. She was like the most beautiful girl I could ever imagine her voice her face everything. So I go onto my burner account and I’ve been trying to figure out like okay maybe she just went back to her ex but it’s like all her socials are completely inactive and I can see because I just logged into my other page. She lives alone like I don’t even know if she’s okay. If she would just show any kind of activity I would feel better about it like okay she’s alright. But it’s so unknown what happened and it just haunts me and I really feel like I love her as much as someone can without meeting in person I guess. So I’m getting all these matches on tinder or baddo even in real life but it’s like her name her face I just can’t seem to get over it like okay it feels good to talk to you but your not her so I just end up not responding a lot and just watching tv or playing video games like uninterested in it at all. I just really pray that girl is okay and I hope one day she’ll unblock me because our connection was endless we would always talk on the phone at all hours of the day and night always text but at the time I didn’t think much of it because it wasn’t in real life. It’s just hard to get over like I’ve really never had this hard of a time like I have tons of matches to go through but I’m just not really interested to even scroll thru them I don’t know why what’s wrong with me
submitted by Kingjames23X6 to dating [link] [comments]
2024.05.20 01:34 No_Area_9131 How to break the pattern?:(
I am 22, female. Moved back in with my parents after a breakup about 6 months ago, will be moving back out again next month because I can’t take it anymore and they have expressed to me that they don’t want me living at home. My dad has an extreme savior complex/people pleasing tendencies and my mother is narcissistic and controlling towards the immediate family but also cares very much about having a good public image to everyone outside of the close family dynamic. My mom projects a lot of her self hate on me because I’m her daughter, and we’ve argued a lot because I refuse to just let her step on me without at least trying to set boundaries. I’ve had to sacrifice a lot of my wellbeing just to have this roof over my head, and I’ve been struggling a lot with depression and my self worth. My instinct has been to seek out another partner to lean on emotionally while I’m going through all of this, but all I can attract is men who see my potential or give the vibe that they want to own me/control me. Anyone else understand what I mean. It’s like I know it’s bad for me but relationships like that feel like drugs. Maybe once I move I won’t feel so overwhelmed and can focus on filling myself up with other, healthier things. How do I express to the person I’m seeing now that I don’t want a relationship, even though he tells me “I’ll never be ready” and “he’s not like the other guys I’m used to”. If he really cared about me wouldn’t he respect and understand my need for independence and developing a sense of self identity? Especially because I’ve told him about my home life and how depressed and jumbled I feel.. I think he takes it personally when I say I’m not ready but it’s really true. I can already see myself getting addicted to him and picking fights over nothing because I’m resenting myself internally.
How do I end things with him, and prevent the same cycles from repeating themselves? Will it get easier once I move out and should I go no contact with my parents so I can have space to heal without having to pretend everything is fine so they can feel good about themselves?
Could really use some words of encouragement or advice from anyone who’s been through similar.
submitted by No_Area_9131 to raisedbynarcissists [link] [comments]
How do I end things with him, and prevent the same cycles from repeating themselves? Will it get easier once I move out and should I go no contact with my parents so I can have space to heal without having to pretend everything is fine so they can feel good about themselves?
Could really use some words of encouragement or advice from anyone who’s been through similar.
2024.05.20 01:23 Necessary_Wait2980 I'm not sure where to start. (Trigger warning)
Hi there, sorry about the formatting, this is my first time posting to Reddit so please be understanding. I'm unsure where I should even post this and I'm unsure if anyone will see this. I am a 25f new mum to a beautiful baby girl but I was definitely not ready to become a parent yet as I am still working through a lot of childhood traumas, sometimes I feel like I didn't have much of a choice but I wouldn't change it for the world as she is a blessing. I was so sick during the pregnancy that by the time I found out I was pregnant I left the decision to my partner as I felt I was in no state to make any decisions, we decided together to keep the pregnancy as we have had some fertility issues in the past and did not want to risk missing an opportunity like this again. I feel so blessed and my partner had also proposed to me a week before I gave birth which really helped me persevere. My partner is always by my side but is also struggling with his own issues which is why I don't want to make him deal with my issues.
My issue is now 4 months postpartum I am struggling to cope, not with the parenting and routines but with everything that has happened to me and how it affects my decisions when it comes to my daughter. I left home when I was 16 and spent years pulling myself out of depression and suicidal thoughts as well as building some coping skills that have really helped me in the past. Lately, I feel like I have hit a brick wall and nothing I have done in the past is helping me. I am constantly being told that I should be relying on the people around me more for help but when they do help in their own way, it usually makes things harder for me as they don't actually listen to what I am asking for and honestly I struggle to trust anyone when I can't even trust myself. Sometimes I am just so overwhelmed and the only I can do to keep my daughter safe is to walk away from her, I did not have that as a child and I will be damned if I let my issues affect my child like that. I feel such self-hatred, I have been struggling with a weed addiction as well even though I have managed to give up every other drug, alcohol and vice but no matter how hard I try I cannot do what is best for my daughter and I feel like a mess.
Every decision I have made in regards to my daughter has been argued with by so many people, I always knew other people would have a different opinion to me but I did not realise how many people would be in my face and offended by my choices. For example, I wanted to wait until 6 months to start feeding solids to my daughter but so many people on both my partner's and my side of the family kept pressuring us until we gave in and started feeding her at 4 months (gastro issues run in both sides of the family and I wanted to do as recommended by WHO to try to help my daughter avoid those issues). Another issue is that I am adamant about not sending my daughter to stay at people's houses (even family) or go to daycare until she is able to speak (I have been sexually assaulted as a child on multiple occasions in different situations, ei, at daycare, by other children in Sunday school, by other children who were left to take care of me and my family just to name a few) and my MIL has taken this personally no matter how I try to explain it to her. She can be very insensitive and often says hurtful things without even realising them. I haven't even mentioned my partner's childhood traumas as I am struggling to deal with my issues.
I have been to the GP to discuss my feelings and see what type of help I can get but he has only recommended anti-depressants and some counselling I'm unsure if that is going to help me at the moment as I have always struggled to help myself, especially through the mental health programs here. I also don't like the idea of being medicated as my mother has abused prescription medication, taken multiple things that weren't meant for her and has permanently affected her to the point she now gets seizures and other behavioural issues associated with abusing particular drugs.
I also have a very rocky relationship with my parents as my father was not there very often as a child leaving me and my siblings with our mother who neglected, physically, mentally, and verbally abused us. We were never given a safe environment as children, constantly surrounded by dangerous people, in dangerous situations. We never got appropriate medical attention unless docs or some other outside influence were involved. Eventually, all of us children were taken from our mother's care, most of us ending up with my father or their other family members as some have different fathers. Like I said I left home at 16 as I was becoming increasingly violent and mentally unstable and if I am being honest, being around my siblings after everything that happened was so hard, I had failed them so much and let them down and I just could not continue to hurt them like that. After I left I was a mess and my mother had actually convinced me to move in together, if it weren't for my now partner I would have been left in a situation that I could not handle, especially when my own mother scammed me, took my money, left us in rental arrears, left us in a house we couldn't afford on our own with her debt and continued to do the same thing with my siblings once they hit the age of 16 no matter how much I try to warn them what she is like. She is very good at acting like your best friend as a kid but constantly forgets she is supposed to be our parent.
There is just so much going on in my life and I am struggling to cope and need advice on how to get past these issues and be the best parent to my daughter.
submitted by Necessary_Wait2980 to u/Necessary_Wait2980 [link] [comments]
My issue is now 4 months postpartum I am struggling to cope, not with the parenting and routines but with everything that has happened to me and how it affects my decisions when it comes to my daughter. I left home when I was 16 and spent years pulling myself out of depression and suicidal thoughts as well as building some coping skills that have really helped me in the past. Lately, I feel like I have hit a brick wall and nothing I have done in the past is helping me. I am constantly being told that I should be relying on the people around me more for help but when they do help in their own way, it usually makes things harder for me as they don't actually listen to what I am asking for and honestly I struggle to trust anyone when I can't even trust myself. Sometimes I am just so overwhelmed and the only I can do to keep my daughter safe is to walk away from her, I did not have that as a child and I will be damned if I let my issues affect my child like that. I feel such self-hatred, I have been struggling with a weed addiction as well even though I have managed to give up every other drug, alcohol and vice but no matter how hard I try I cannot do what is best for my daughter and I feel like a mess.
Every decision I have made in regards to my daughter has been argued with by so many people, I always knew other people would have a different opinion to me but I did not realise how many people would be in my face and offended by my choices. For example, I wanted to wait until 6 months to start feeding solids to my daughter but so many people on both my partner's and my side of the family kept pressuring us until we gave in and started feeding her at 4 months (gastro issues run in both sides of the family and I wanted to do as recommended by WHO to try to help my daughter avoid those issues). Another issue is that I am adamant about not sending my daughter to stay at people's houses (even family) or go to daycare until she is able to speak (I have been sexually assaulted as a child on multiple occasions in different situations, ei, at daycare, by other children in Sunday school, by other children who were left to take care of me and my family just to name a few) and my MIL has taken this personally no matter how I try to explain it to her. She can be very insensitive and often says hurtful things without even realising them. I haven't even mentioned my partner's childhood traumas as I am struggling to deal with my issues.
I have been to the GP to discuss my feelings and see what type of help I can get but he has only recommended anti-depressants and some counselling I'm unsure if that is going to help me at the moment as I have always struggled to help myself, especially through the mental health programs here. I also don't like the idea of being medicated as my mother has abused prescription medication, taken multiple things that weren't meant for her and has permanently affected her to the point she now gets seizures and other behavioural issues associated with abusing particular drugs.
I also have a very rocky relationship with my parents as my father was not there very often as a child leaving me and my siblings with our mother who neglected, physically, mentally, and verbally abused us. We were never given a safe environment as children, constantly surrounded by dangerous people, in dangerous situations. We never got appropriate medical attention unless docs or some other outside influence were involved. Eventually, all of us children were taken from our mother's care, most of us ending up with my father or their other family members as some have different fathers. Like I said I left home at 16 as I was becoming increasingly violent and mentally unstable and if I am being honest, being around my siblings after everything that happened was so hard, I had failed them so much and let them down and I just could not continue to hurt them like that. After I left I was a mess and my mother had actually convinced me to move in together, if it weren't for my now partner I would have been left in a situation that I could not handle, especially when my own mother scammed me, took my money, left us in rental arrears, left us in a house we couldn't afford on our own with her debt and continued to do the same thing with my siblings once they hit the age of 16 no matter how much I try to warn them what she is like. She is very good at acting like your best friend as a kid but constantly forgets she is supposed to be our parent.
There is just so much going on in my life and I am struggling to cope and need advice on how to get past these issues and be the best parent to my daughter.
2024.05.20 01:22 Ch3mical_1os3r WIBTAH for actively avoiding my older brother?
Trigger Warnings: Mentions of drugs and Religion
Little bit of backstory: I have three siblings, a sister (f32), and two brothers (M30 & M31). I am the youngest (f17). I'll call my brothers Brian and Miles (who this story is about), my sister will be called Marie.
Miles, Marie, and I all share the same Dad. Brian and I share the same Mom.
Growing up, I never had the best relationship with neither Miles nor Marie. They were never really in my life growing up, and because of that I didn't know much about them. Brian, however, was my rock. He was with me since I was a baby, and was the one who I was around the most.
Marie was there sometimes, on and off in my life. I saw her and her kids sometimes, and she would come over for food and celebrations.
Miles, on the other hand, I never really saw. As a small child I only saw him once a year for my birthday. But when I was around the age of 9 or 10 he just stopped coming. He up and left without warning.
When I was 13 I saw him again. Only now he was different, he did drugs now and he surrounded himself with bad people. I was a pretty naive kid was was just happy to have him back despite that. A few months after seeing him, he left our family in shambles and I never saw him again.
4 and a half years later. I see him again, which leads us to this story.
My Dad's birthday was just this Thursday and I took him out to eat. The rest of my family had planned to throw him a party Sunday (Which as of right now, is today).
Anywho, Sunday comes and I am informed that my brother was going to show up without any earlier notice. I was told two minutes before he arrived.
My relationship with my brother went downhill when he started doing drugs. He became addicted and the way he acted terrified me. He kept talking about God and how he was the 'next Jesus Christ' or something like that. It also didn't help that he made gross creepy comments about me when I was thirteen. He also shit talked my mom. And when he did eventually come back, he was never interested in anything I had to say.
He always said he would 'be better' for me and that I just had to 'believe on him' but I honestly can't say I have anything good to say about him.
He hurt me, a lot. He was a liar and it felt like he had abandoned me.
Safe to say I wasn't going to be sticking around for his visit. I made polite conversation with him (a simple hello, how have you been, stuff like that) and then I hunkered up in my room. I plan on staying in my room the whole day.
So, would I be the Asshole?
Will update if anything happens
submitted by Ch3mical_1os3r to CharlotteDobreYouTube [link] [comments]
Little bit of backstory: I have three siblings, a sister (f32), and two brothers (M30 & M31). I am the youngest (f17). I'll call my brothers Brian and Miles (who this story is about), my sister will be called Marie.
Miles, Marie, and I all share the same Dad. Brian and I share the same Mom.
Growing up, I never had the best relationship with neither Miles nor Marie. They were never really in my life growing up, and because of that I didn't know much about them. Brian, however, was my rock. He was with me since I was a baby, and was the one who I was around the most.
Marie was there sometimes, on and off in my life. I saw her and her kids sometimes, and she would come over for food and celebrations.
Miles, on the other hand, I never really saw. As a small child I only saw him once a year for my birthday. But when I was around the age of 9 or 10 he just stopped coming. He up and left without warning.
When I was 13 I saw him again. Only now he was different, he did drugs now and he surrounded himself with bad people. I was a pretty naive kid was was just happy to have him back despite that. A few months after seeing him, he left our family in shambles and I never saw him again.
4 and a half years later. I see him again, which leads us to this story.
My Dad's birthday was just this Thursday and I took him out to eat. The rest of my family had planned to throw him a party Sunday (Which as of right now, is today).
Anywho, Sunday comes and I am informed that my brother was going to show up without any earlier notice. I was told two minutes before he arrived.
My relationship with my brother went downhill when he started doing drugs. He became addicted and the way he acted terrified me. He kept talking about God and how he was the 'next Jesus Christ' or something like that. It also didn't help that he made gross creepy comments about me when I was thirteen. He also shit talked my mom. And when he did eventually come back, he was never interested in anything I had to say.
He always said he would 'be better' for me and that I just had to 'believe on him' but I honestly can't say I have anything good to say about him.
He hurt me, a lot. He was a liar and it felt like he had abandoned me.
Safe to say I wasn't going to be sticking around for his visit. I made polite conversation with him (a simple hello, how have you been, stuff like that) and then I hunkered up in my room. I plan on staying in my room the whole day.
So, would I be the Asshole?
Will update if anything happens
2024.05.20 01:02 TonyChanYT Smoke weed, marijuana, cannabis
u/saucestation_, u/Hrrrrrrwrrrwrrr, u/JustAMissionary
The Bible seems to indicate that it’s ok to drink within moderation. Is it also ok to smoke weed (aka cannabis or marijuana) within moderation, legally, of course?
Sure, do it wisely.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/3009708/:
See How much does drinking become sin?.
I have no interest in smoking weed. I have better ways to spend my money :)
For people who are susceptible to addiction, I would advise against it.
Does smoking weed bring in demons?
If you overdo it, it may. The same goes for getting drunk.
If you find weed helpful, do it wisely and thank God for it.
What about opium?
Opium is highly addictive. Users will develop dependency. It is not wise to have an opium habit.
What about heroin, cocaine, methamphetamine, LSD, etc?
These illegal drugs are addictive and affect one's physical and mental health. You will lose self-control. They will damage your brain. You don't need the Bible to tell you to avoid them.
Selling weed a sin?
It may not be a sin. Don't do it if it bothers your conscience.
submitted by TonyChanYT to BibleVerseCommentary [link] [comments]
The Bible seems to indicate that it’s ok to drink within moderation. Is it also ok to smoke weed (aka cannabis or marijuana) within moderation, legally, of course?
Sure, do it wisely.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/3009708/:
Marijuana is complex chemically and not yet fully understood, but it is not a narcotic. Like alcohol, marijuana acts as both stimulant and depressant, but it lingers in body organs longer than alcohol. Smoking marijuana can injure mucosal tissue and may have more carcinogenic potential than tobacco. Research has indicated that marijuana intoxication definitely hinders attention, long-term memory storage, and psychomotor skills involved in driving a car or flying a plane.How much can you do it?
See How much does drinking become sin?.
I have no interest in smoking weed. I have better ways to spend my money :)
For people who are susceptible to addiction, I would advise against it.
Does smoking weed bring in demons?
If you overdo it, it may. The same goes for getting drunk.
If you find weed helpful, do it wisely and thank God for it.
What about opium?
Opium is highly addictive. Users will develop dependency. It is not wise to have an opium habit.
What about heroin, cocaine, methamphetamine, LSD, etc?
These illegal drugs are addictive and affect one's physical and mental health. You will lose self-control. They will damage your brain. You don't need the Bible to tell you to avoid them.
Selling weed a sin?
It may not be a sin. Don't do it if it bothers your conscience.
2024.05.20 00:44 Defiant_Tomoato From a Christian perspective, was it wrong of me to stop talking to my dad?
So I'll try to give you guys the quick version. My dad has been a Christian for around 10 years. Prior to this he caused my family and I alot of trauma and suffering. My goal is not to shame or dishonor him but I want you to know why I decided to stop talking to him. He dealt drugs, was verbally and sometimes physically abusive to my mom and me. He was and still is very financial irresponsible. At age 14 I convinced my mom to leave him because it was emotionally and mentally destroying me and my younger siblings. Fast forward to my adulthood, he has given his life to Christ. The part that bothers me is that he has refused to apologize for the pain and years of trauma he has inflicted on me. I have always been ready to forgive him but he refuses to acknowledge that he did infact put me through years of trauma that he inflicted. My life was in danger dozens of times because of the environment of living in a house where cocain and other heavy drugs were sold. I had armed people trying to break in while I hid in my room writing a letter to my family because I believed I was about to be killed. On many occasions he called me weak (in more vulgar terms) for the fear I felt. These type of life threatening things happened often so I won't list every occasion but they live in my memories. 2 years ago during him preaching I polite but sternly demanded an answer as to why he refused to acknowledge what he did in his past. I wasn't even asking for an apology I was just asking him to admit what he did to me was horrible but he refused to the point of anger and he started insulting me and started taunting me to fight him. I am an adult now so he couldn't scare me anymore, I told him to leave and he's no longer welcomed in my house. I called him a coward for not being man enough to acknowledge what he did. It's been two years since I've talked to him. I've started following Christ on my own and I am so grateful for His Love that is continuously healing me. God is the Father I can always count on. My dilemma though is I read scripture where I should be honoring my parents and that I should forgive others as God has forgiven me. I do forgive him, but it bothers me that he never asked me to forgive him or even acknowledges his mistakes that have deeply hurt me. Am I sinning by cutting off ties with him? Aside from this his poor financial decisions of purchasing multiple vehicles and other materlistic things always had him asking me for help and honesty his absence has been a big stress reliver. I am not perfect in following the footsteps of Jesus Christ but I admit my sin to Him and try to do better. He tries to justify his addiction to materlistic purchasing. I'm not asking you to shun him, I'm asking you for your honesty. Is me cutting communication with him wrong?
submitted by Defiant_Tomoato to Christianity [link] [comments]
2024.05.20 00:37 wildpastachild New here and sharing my experience of being parentified
First off, feel free to comment about your own experiences. I would love it if anybody can relate. I'm also open to questions, advice, whatever you wanna write. This is gonna be a bit longer, just fyi. Excuse lack of proper chronological order and maybe some wonky sentences, English isn't my first language.
I was parentified.
For context, my mother has three children, I'm the youngest one, then there's my older half-brother (30) and my older half-sister (36). Their father was a violent alcoholic with schizophrenic tendencies (official diagnosis), luckily I never met him. I refer to them as brother and sister. I'm 21 now. I'm the only child of my mom and my dad, my dad has three other kids who are in the same age group as my maternal siblings. Lots of history with divorces and family fights, I'm the center of a complete patchwork family, everybody moved towns a lot, it's all a bit messy and disorganized.
My mother has severe borderline disorder and has massive trauma from several age stages, especially involving men. She was heavily parentified and yet socially cast out by her family herself. I don't remember a time where I didn't act like her father, emotionally. This is made worse by the fact that I'm trans so I was like her bestie before I began socially transitioning in my early teen years. Of course, this was a massive issue for her. She told me she had only ever wanted daughters. Materially she was taking care of things until I was about 11 - walked me to school and took care of the household, used to work, everything.
I remember sitting next to her during a talk/fight she had with my dad while she was sobbing, I can't have been older than 3 or 4. They got divorced around that time. As I grew older, I came to be my mom's sole emotional support person. We had moved to an isolated village with my step-father and she developed a severe agoraphobia for some time. My step-father avoided all emotionality with both her and me and therefore I was now her only friend. I overheard conversations that she shouldn't be having with her child next door and was told about her most severe fears and traumas from a young age. I was lashed out at on a near daily basis and punishment came unexpectedly. It would consist of being screamed at for minutes on end until I would cry and hyperventilate, but she wouldn't stop then.
In spite of her idea of punishment and raising children, she was incredibly attached to me, still is. This would include massive anxiety fits when she didn't know where I was or when I was getting into activities she didn't approve of. One time, when I was about 17, I went to a party in my friend's basement. She knew about this and approved it, knew my friends and where they lived. I didn't have any signal in that basenent so she couldn't reach me. She proceeded to look up my other friends' parents' phone number and call them to contact me. There was nothing she wanted except to know that I had arrived there.
Whereas my other siblings had long left the household years apart from eachother, both with specific and complex fights and banging doors and screaming fits, I was, as the youngest child, turned into a confessional and a therapist. I would mediate fights from a young age. I witnessed physical violence between my brother, my mother and my sister. My brother was the perpetrator for the most part (however, I was neither hurt nor threatened myself). Nobody proceeded to remove me from the situation or stop me from getting involved. From then on, every fight and every drama caused me intense bouts of anxiety and it, to this day, remains to be the only thing that makes me cry and/or lash out.
In a household full of anger, my anger was not tolerated. I was raised with some old-timey sort of black paedagogy (edit: by this i mean some nazi-era remnants type of paedagogy) (I'm German so it is something of a generational curse for some): I was to have unwavering respect for my parents, I was expected to be obedient, "let him cry it out" type stuff. At least when I was a younger child. When I got older, my emotions did not matter either. After stressful situations or fights that I proceeded to witness for most of my life, nobody ever asked me how I felt or explained to me what had actually gone down. I was left alone while not being left alone at all.
If I failed to provide emotional security for my mother or even attempted to call her out, I was made to feel immensely guilty. This could range from her crying/yelling things like "Why is it always me that must suffer" to guilt-tripping texts and blocking my contact for a while to very action-based suicide threats, depending on the situation. Her emotions were forced to be my emotions if I wanted to "stay alive".
At the same time, I still proceeded to excel in school. I felt like dying but nobody, and I tell you, nobody, noticed. I was a teacher's pet, I still had some loose friendships, I visited my dad once a month or more ever since my parents divorced. Nobody realized what I felt. I felt alone and had the worst depressive episode of my life when I was 13. I neglected personal hygiene. I never opened up to my father for many years. To this day I think he doesn't know everything. Especially during covid, him and my ex-stepmother were my safe space. When I first opened up to them, they welcomed me with open arms, my father was very strict and cold when I was young, but he softened, changed, and is everything and more I could ask for in a father. He is among the most positive examples of masculinity and especially of fatherhood that I know in my circles. He sends me postcards several times a month, wants me to visit, hugs me and tells me he loves me and that he's proud, gives me space. The dad who remembers the names of our childhood stuffed animals. Literally. I love him to death. He was also the only parent who engaged in activities with me and would play with me, later on take me to the movies, go to bars and restaurants, go to museums with me etc.
My mother got worse both psychologically and physically, she is chronically ill and needs immense support in a lot of things now. For about a year, my stepfather worked in a town far away and only came home during the weekends. This was during covid. Within a year, I developed a hatred so deep for my mother that I had thoughts that scared me. I took care of our pets and the household, was not allowed to get into any activities after school other than coming home and spent hours after my day listening to her rants, anxieties, fears. I get hateful goosebumps when I remember the way she used to call my name when she wanted me to do something for her. Sometimes she would make me stay awake for longer, knowing that I had to get up at 6am again. It was usually already around 12 at night. She wanted me to walk the dog before SHE went to bed because otherwise it would ruin her otherwise horribly insomniac circadian rhythm. Therefore I was not allowed to go to sleep. At that point she had not worked for more than 6 years and stayed home all the time. My stepfather and I did grocery shopping. She rarely ever leaves the house if she can avoid it. This was during the German version of my GCSE's.
I was denied medical care that could have potentially fixed my posture issues and other orthopedic issues. My mother deemed physiotherapy as inefficient and got mad when I asked her about it again. Money was always an issue. We were evicted once. I was denied certain things and never asked for extra cash because we ran low on money, my stepfather was blamed for smoking and consuming a lot of meat (which indeed is pricy), but my mother never reflected on her online shopping addiction and I'm aware that she is in an ongoing debt. Has been for years now.
Things got a bit better when my stepfather moved back and Covid cleared up somewhat. Regardless, I used pure spite to continue studying hard while they were yelling at eachother from the top of their lungs for hours on end and did the best I could to get the hell out of there. I've had therapy with several years' of breaks for a total of nearly 3 years now, that I partially applied for myself and I'm working on tackling everything. I live in a different city, studying subjects that I love. I get all my shit done, for the most part, I know how to do paperwork and know how all of the chores work. I can regulate myself in terms of sleep and food and cheap thrills. I have a (milder) case of anxiety. I keep meaningful friendships in which I find myself capable of avoiding all the harmful behaviors and attitudes I was taught. I'm learning to stand my ground and take responsibility for my own decisions and actions.
When I establish my boundaries with her now, she turns into some sort of anxious-attached mess. She over-apologizes to me. She puts me on a pedestal and I'm living a life that she is jealous of. She is intensely attached to me and considers me her favorite child and also hasn't properly gotten over my father, over 15 years of them being divorced. She will do anything to support me materially and then tear me down emotionally. Everything I tell her is followed by her mourning the life she doesn't have and never had instead of properly celebrating with me. She gets noticeably sad when I refuse to give her my full attention, she yearns for what she considered a deep and important relationship to me. But it was all just emotional neglect and emotional abuse. Now I sometimes can't help but meet her with the same attitude she gave me.
This is not perfectly chronological and all over the place. I have complicated relationships with my siblings and other relatives, which I don't mourn, but feel guilty about. My father and I are very good with eachother although I need to confront him about some things as well. With my mother I do the bare minimum to avoid conflict, yet without throwing my sense of self out of the window again. She is the only human who can easily cause anxiety attacks in me, no matter where or when. I sometimes wish I was not in contact with her. I have a tendency for smoking too much weed and being just a bit too careless with other drugs (although I rarely do those in comparison), but I also try and regulate this heavily (e.g. not finding a dealer but asking friends every once in a while etcetc). I think this stems from these experiences. Apart from that, I think I'm coping very well.
To everybody: it does get better. It does. Even when your emotions are a rollercoaster sometimes. You will be in a different place, maybe you already are, and you'll escape from these structures. I think the hardest pill for me to swallow is that I create my own reality and that nobody will give me my stolen childhood back. I am an (albeit young) adult now and I must do everything I can to avoid becoming like her. Her life is not a life I want to lead. There's hope and you won't always be in this place.
submitted by wildpastachild to emotionalneglect [link] [comments]
I was parentified.
For context, my mother has three children, I'm the youngest one, then there's my older half-brother (30) and my older half-sister (36). Their father was a violent alcoholic with schizophrenic tendencies (official diagnosis), luckily I never met him. I refer to them as brother and sister. I'm 21 now. I'm the only child of my mom and my dad, my dad has three other kids who are in the same age group as my maternal siblings. Lots of history with divorces and family fights, I'm the center of a complete patchwork family, everybody moved towns a lot, it's all a bit messy and disorganized.
My mother has severe borderline disorder and has massive trauma from several age stages, especially involving men. She was heavily parentified and yet socially cast out by her family herself. I don't remember a time where I didn't act like her father, emotionally. This is made worse by the fact that I'm trans so I was like her bestie before I began socially transitioning in my early teen years. Of course, this was a massive issue for her. She told me she had only ever wanted daughters. Materially she was taking care of things until I was about 11 - walked me to school and took care of the household, used to work, everything.
I remember sitting next to her during a talk/fight she had with my dad while she was sobbing, I can't have been older than 3 or 4. They got divorced around that time. As I grew older, I came to be my mom's sole emotional support person. We had moved to an isolated village with my step-father and she developed a severe agoraphobia for some time. My step-father avoided all emotionality with both her and me and therefore I was now her only friend. I overheard conversations that she shouldn't be having with her child next door and was told about her most severe fears and traumas from a young age. I was lashed out at on a near daily basis and punishment came unexpectedly. It would consist of being screamed at for minutes on end until I would cry and hyperventilate, but she wouldn't stop then.
In spite of her idea of punishment and raising children, she was incredibly attached to me, still is. This would include massive anxiety fits when she didn't know where I was or when I was getting into activities she didn't approve of. One time, when I was about 17, I went to a party in my friend's basement. She knew about this and approved it, knew my friends and where they lived. I didn't have any signal in that basenent so she couldn't reach me. She proceeded to look up my other friends' parents' phone number and call them to contact me. There was nothing she wanted except to know that I had arrived there.
Whereas my other siblings had long left the household years apart from eachother, both with specific and complex fights and banging doors and screaming fits, I was, as the youngest child, turned into a confessional and a therapist. I would mediate fights from a young age. I witnessed physical violence between my brother, my mother and my sister. My brother was the perpetrator for the most part (however, I was neither hurt nor threatened myself). Nobody proceeded to remove me from the situation or stop me from getting involved. From then on, every fight and every drama caused me intense bouts of anxiety and it, to this day, remains to be the only thing that makes me cry and/or lash out.
In a household full of anger, my anger was not tolerated. I was raised with some old-timey sort of black paedagogy (edit: by this i mean some nazi-era remnants type of paedagogy) (I'm German so it is something of a generational curse for some): I was to have unwavering respect for my parents, I was expected to be obedient, "let him cry it out" type stuff. At least when I was a younger child. When I got older, my emotions did not matter either. After stressful situations or fights that I proceeded to witness for most of my life, nobody ever asked me how I felt or explained to me what had actually gone down. I was left alone while not being left alone at all.
If I failed to provide emotional security for my mother or even attempted to call her out, I was made to feel immensely guilty. This could range from her crying/yelling things like "Why is it always me that must suffer" to guilt-tripping texts and blocking my contact for a while to very action-based suicide threats, depending on the situation. Her emotions were forced to be my emotions if I wanted to "stay alive".
At the same time, I still proceeded to excel in school. I felt like dying but nobody, and I tell you, nobody, noticed. I was a teacher's pet, I still had some loose friendships, I visited my dad once a month or more ever since my parents divorced. Nobody realized what I felt. I felt alone and had the worst depressive episode of my life when I was 13. I neglected personal hygiene. I never opened up to my father for many years. To this day I think he doesn't know everything. Especially during covid, him and my ex-stepmother were my safe space. When I first opened up to them, they welcomed me with open arms, my father was very strict and cold when I was young, but he softened, changed, and is everything and more I could ask for in a father. He is among the most positive examples of masculinity and especially of fatherhood that I know in my circles. He sends me postcards several times a month, wants me to visit, hugs me and tells me he loves me and that he's proud, gives me space. The dad who remembers the names of our childhood stuffed animals. Literally. I love him to death. He was also the only parent who engaged in activities with me and would play with me, later on take me to the movies, go to bars and restaurants, go to museums with me etc.
My mother got worse both psychologically and physically, she is chronically ill and needs immense support in a lot of things now. For about a year, my stepfather worked in a town far away and only came home during the weekends. This was during covid. Within a year, I developed a hatred so deep for my mother that I had thoughts that scared me. I took care of our pets and the household, was not allowed to get into any activities after school other than coming home and spent hours after my day listening to her rants, anxieties, fears. I get hateful goosebumps when I remember the way she used to call my name when she wanted me to do something for her. Sometimes she would make me stay awake for longer, knowing that I had to get up at 6am again. It was usually already around 12 at night. She wanted me to walk the dog before SHE went to bed because otherwise it would ruin her otherwise horribly insomniac circadian rhythm. Therefore I was not allowed to go to sleep. At that point she had not worked for more than 6 years and stayed home all the time. My stepfather and I did grocery shopping. She rarely ever leaves the house if she can avoid it. This was during the German version of my GCSE's.
I was denied medical care that could have potentially fixed my posture issues and other orthopedic issues. My mother deemed physiotherapy as inefficient and got mad when I asked her about it again. Money was always an issue. We were evicted once. I was denied certain things and never asked for extra cash because we ran low on money, my stepfather was blamed for smoking and consuming a lot of meat (which indeed is pricy), but my mother never reflected on her online shopping addiction and I'm aware that she is in an ongoing debt. Has been for years now.
Things got a bit better when my stepfather moved back and Covid cleared up somewhat. Regardless, I used pure spite to continue studying hard while they were yelling at eachother from the top of their lungs for hours on end and did the best I could to get the hell out of there. I've had therapy with several years' of breaks for a total of nearly 3 years now, that I partially applied for myself and I'm working on tackling everything. I live in a different city, studying subjects that I love. I get all my shit done, for the most part, I know how to do paperwork and know how all of the chores work. I can regulate myself in terms of sleep and food and cheap thrills. I have a (milder) case of anxiety. I keep meaningful friendships in which I find myself capable of avoiding all the harmful behaviors and attitudes I was taught. I'm learning to stand my ground and take responsibility for my own decisions and actions.
When I establish my boundaries with her now, she turns into some sort of anxious-attached mess. She over-apologizes to me. She puts me on a pedestal and I'm living a life that she is jealous of. She is intensely attached to me and considers me her favorite child and also hasn't properly gotten over my father, over 15 years of them being divorced. She will do anything to support me materially and then tear me down emotionally. Everything I tell her is followed by her mourning the life she doesn't have and never had instead of properly celebrating with me. She gets noticeably sad when I refuse to give her my full attention, she yearns for what she considered a deep and important relationship to me. But it was all just emotional neglect and emotional abuse. Now I sometimes can't help but meet her with the same attitude she gave me.
This is not perfectly chronological and all over the place. I have complicated relationships with my siblings and other relatives, which I don't mourn, but feel guilty about. My father and I are very good with eachother although I need to confront him about some things as well. With my mother I do the bare minimum to avoid conflict, yet without throwing my sense of self out of the window again. She is the only human who can easily cause anxiety attacks in me, no matter where or when. I sometimes wish I was not in contact with her. I have a tendency for smoking too much weed and being just a bit too careless with other drugs (although I rarely do those in comparison), but I also try and regulate this heavily (e.g. not finding a dealer but asking friends every once in a while etcetc). I think this stems from these experiences. Apart from that, I think I'm coping very well.
To everybody: it does get better. It does. Even when your emotions are a rollercoaster sometimes. You will be in a different place, maybe you already are, and you'll escape from these structures. I think the hardest pill for me to swallow is that I create my own reality and that nobody will give me my stolen childhood back. I am an (albeit young) adult now and I must do everything I can to avoid becoming like her. Her life is not a life I want to lead. There's hope and you won't always be in this place.
2024.05.20 00:21 GudrunSkyman I dont know what to do
Im happy i found this subreddit.
Right now i am on some kind of journey, I don’t know where it will take me. But things are really tough right now and have been for a while.
3 months ago my boyfriend got arrested. He is now in jail since then, he might go to treatment for his addiction- which is amazing of course. I’m really struggling being alone, I have my family and friends but at the end of the day I am alone. I miss him so terribly, haven’t seen him or touched him in 3 months. We can only speak on the phone for 1h per week..
I have come to terms that I have had my own drug abuse and that I am seriously codependent. My thought has always been that as long as I have him nothing else matters and everything will be ok. Now I don’t have him and I don’t know what to do.
I also come from a very dysfunctional family, a long history of mental abuse from my father and as long as I can remember I’ve had bad mental health. Struggled/struggling with eating disorders, depression and anxiety.
I don’t know what to do with myself. I cry so much and I feel so empty. I know I have to be able to be my own person, that this situation is not forever and things will get better. But it’s so hard to grasp that when I feel like I’m falling apart.
My therapist didn’t think we should book anymore appointments since for now all I can think of and talk about is my boyfriend and this situation and she can’t help me with that. I am also moving to another city since my boyfriend’s situation has caused that it’s not longer safe for us to stay where we live right now.
I just want him here with me, I want to hug him and feel him here. It’s excruciating honestly. I try to focus on myself and to work on myself but I don’t know where to start. Right now I just feel like a robot, I go to work then try to just pass the time at home by looking at my phone and I try to sleep but stay up to late always.
I haven’t done things I liked or hung out with friends I used to have in years. I’ve been so caught up in this relationship and his addiction.
I don’t know what to do..
submitted by GudrunSkyman to Codependency [link] [comments]
Right now i am on some kind of journey, I don’t know where it will take me. But things are really tough right now and have been for a while.
3 months ago my boyfriend got arrested. He is now in jail since then, he might go to treatment for his addiction- which is amazing of course. I’m really struggling being alone, I have my family and friends but at the end of the day I am alone. I miss him so terribly, haven’t seen him or touched him in 3 months. We can only speak on the phone for 1h per week..
I have come to terms that I have had my own drug abuse and that I am seriously codependent. My thought has always been that as long as I have him nothing else matters and everything will be ok. Now I don’t have him and I don’t know what to do.
I also come from a very dysfunctional family, a long history of mental abuse from my father and as long as I can remember I’ve had bad mental health. Struggled/struggling with eating disorders, depression and anxiety.
I don’t know what to do with myself. I cry so much and I feel so empty. I know I have to be able to be my own person, that this situation is not forever and things will get better. But it’s so hard to grasp that when I feel like I’m falling apart.
My therapist didn’t think we should book anymore appointments since for now all I can think of and talk about is my boyfriend and this situation and she can’t help me with that. I am also moving to another city since my boyfriend’s situation has caused that it’s not longer safe for us to stay where we live right now.
I just want him here with me, I want to hug him and feel him here. It’s excruciating honestly. I try to focus on myself and to work on myself but I don’t know where to start. Right now I just feel like a robot, I go to work then try to just pass the time at home by looking at my phone and I try to sleep but stay up to late always.
I haven’t done things I liked or hung out with friends I used to have in years. I’ve been so caught up in this relationship and his addiction.
I don’t know what to do..
2024.05.20 00:17 taylormarie909 Xray opinion
 | Hello, recently had a dental checkup but the dentist was very busy and rushed so I was wondering if anyone sees anything of concern on my X-rays. I’m specifically curious about the last upper molar with the root canal that has the black area around it. Could that be infection or is it just black cause it’s near my sinus cavity? Also have some issues with one of my premolars on the bottom. Sometimes feel like it may be cracked but not sure. I know you can’t diagnose based on X-rays alone but does anything seem concerning here? Other than the large number of crowns lol. I’m 34f, I vape but don’t drink. Former bulimic and drug user, and current night grinder. Didnt go to the dentist during addiction from age 18-27. I put dots next to the areas I mentioned in the beginning. Thank you! submitted by taylormarie909 to askdentists [link] [comments] |
2024.05.20 00:10 BeginningArm6725 Improvement of Anhedonia and Lack of Motivation, but Cognitive Impairment possibly because of the Anticholinergic Effects of Bupropion
EXTREMELY LONG, YOU PROBABLY WANT TO GO TO THE BOTTOM AND JUST READ TL;DR
Oh well, hey there again. I wrote an earlier post yesterday, and I was once again dwelling into the said problem.
https://www.reddit.com/bupropion/s/U2PrMBuCRd
Well, someone pointed out the anticholinergic effects that Bupropion has, which I forgot about even though I extensively researched it a billion times the last few months (since starting Bupropion). I was looking at it again today.
I was having NEARLY ALL of the side effects of (high amounts only?) anticholinergics. Here: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anticholinergic
It's specifically ANTINICOTINIC, not ANTIMUSCARINIC.(I think, but definitely antinicotinic)
Its anticholinergic effects are debated as far as I understood it. But I'm fairly confident that I either am sensitive to anticholinergics, or my dose is simply too high.
Also, here: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nicotinic_agonist the functions of nicotinic receptors, and the effects of stimulating(?) them. These are the reverse of what has happened to me with Bupropion (hence the antinicotinic effects)
Here: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nicotinic_antagonist we can see its preferred receptors (not sure if it necessarily means "selective")
Regarding the functionality of the nicotinic acetylcholine receptors: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nicotinic_acetylcholine_receptor here you can see the associated Ganglion Type (a3b4), Heteromeric CNS Type (a4b2) and (a subset of?) Muscle Type (a1b1-gamma-epsilon/upsilon?) and Further CNS type (a3b4)
It's not listed for the Muscle Type, but the Ganglion, Heteromeric CNS and Further CNS type. All of these are the reason why it's sometimes used for nicotine addiction. (I think just like how Naloxone is used for opioid addiction, withdrawal and overdose?)
But these don't seem like the ones that would cause memory issues, brain fog and cognitive decline.
However, the more crucial part is that, Bupropion apparently also antagonizes mscarinic receptors https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Muscarinic_antagonist
Here, you can see the properties of every Muscarinic Receptor https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Muscarinic_acetylcholine_receptor
Well, I thought since it's not listed as an MRA as well as Nicotinic Receptor Antagoniser specifically, it had absolutely no effects on Muscarinic Receptors. And as it turns out, it has the lowest (maxing out the scale, I think) as seen here again: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Muscarinic_antagonist
Which I thought meant it has one of the highest binding strength and thus one of the most potent antagonizer of Muscarinic Receptors. But it's the opposite, low Ki value = stronger binding affinity.
So, that's not the reason why it causes memory issues, focus problems and other cognitive issues. And the only culprit seems to possibly arise from it's Nicotine Receptor Antagonizarion.
I think the Muscarinic Antagonist side effects are what most people who experience side effects on Bupropion have, so this doesn't make sense... Nicotin Antagonism doesn't seem to have these kinds of effects, at least they don't have most of the super specific side effects that are listed under MRA (Muscarinic Receptor Antagonist) side effects.
Now I was back to square one. Looking at https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acetylcholine the only way anticholinergic substances can cause the side effects I talked about are Cholinesterase inhibitors, Cholinesterase synthesis inhibitors and releass inhibitors. None of which Bupropion has the properties of.
The one that fits with EVERY single side effect that I get from taking Bupropion, and the side effects that subside after stopping Bupropion have to do with Muscarinic Receptors' antagonisation and agonisation, respectively.
Looking here: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Muscarinic_acetylcholine_receptor Bupropion has almost no antagonist properties regarding Muscarinic receptors, as we've seen earlier.
The M1 receptor specifically seems to correlate with those properties, not the remaining 4 receptors.
I think the only possible answer is the fact that Bupropion blocking/inhibiting Nicotinic Acethylcholine Receptors somehow results in a disfunction of Acethylcholine - Choline life cycle. Especially after seeing this and a few other researches pointing out that Bupropion's effects on Acethylcholine Receptors are a functional analog of PCP, that is Phencyclidine https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1357272509001757 Regardless of this fact, it should be leading to downstream effects on the cholinergic system. Since Nicotinic Acethylcholine Receptors play a role in modulating the release of acetylcholine, their inhibition might be resulting in altered acetylcholine dynamics, potentially contributing to cognitive impairments.
Two more papers • Weber, M., & Changeux, J.-P. (2012). Nicotinic acetylcholine receptors: From structure to brain function. Reviews in the Neurosciences, 23(6), 593-607. • Dwoskin, L. P., & Crooks, P. A. (2002). Competitive neuronal nicotinic receptor antagonists: A new direction for drug discovery. Journal of Pharmacology and Experimental Therapeutics, 298(2), 395-402.
TL;DR:
That was a long day of indulging into pharmacodynamics as a person with absolutely no medical background, and I probably made a billion mistakes, false assumptions and didn't grasp it all properly. But the sheer amount of educated peoples conclusions resulting in these side effects, cognitive inpairment , having a hard time learning, and memory problems could only be caused by it's anticholinergic effects, I will be moving forward with that assumption.
I will be looking for a "Bupropion" that has no anticholinergic effects in any way whatsoever, so only the NDRI parts. Not sure if that exists, but I can't afford to worsen my cognition this way. So even if it did not exist and Bupropion was the only option, I would still end up not using it.
So yeah, I will update this once I try and get results, either bad or good, from whatever other medication/therapy etc. works the same way Bupropion does for me, but has non of the side effects (probably) caused by it's anticholinergic effects.
submitted by BeginningArm6725 to bupropion [link] [comments]
Oh well, hey there again. I wrote an earlier post yesterday, and I was once again dwelling into the said problem.
https://www.reddit.com/bupropion/s/U2PrMBuCRd
Well, someone pointed out the anticholinergic effects that Bupropion has, which I forgot about even though I extensively researched it a billion times the last few months (since starting Bupropion). I was looking at it again today.
I was having NEARLY ALL of the side effects of (high amounts only?) anticholinergics. Here: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anticholinergic
It's specifically ANTINICOTINIC, not ANTIMUSCARINIC.(I think, but definitely antinicotinic)
Its anticholinergic effects are debated as far as I understood it. But I'm fairly confident that I either am sensitive to anticholinergics, or my dose is simply too high.
Also, here: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nicotinic_agonist the functions of nicotinic receptors, and the effects of stimulating(?) them. These are the reverse of what has happened to me with Bupropion (hence the antinicotinic effects)
Here: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nicotinic_antagonist we can see its preferred receptors (not sure if it necessarily means "selective")
Regarding the functionality of the nicotinic acetylcholine receptors: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nicotinic_acetylcholine_receptor here you can see the associated Ganglion Type (a3b4), Heteromeric CNS Type (a4b2) and (a subset of?) Muscle Type (a1b1-gamma-epsilon/upsilon?) and Further CNS type (a3b4)
It's not listed for the Muscle Type, but the Ganglion, Heteromeric CNS and Further CNS type. All of these are the reason why it's sometimes used for nicotine addiction. (I think just like how Naloxone is used for opioid addiction, withdrawal and overdose?)
But these don't seem like the ones that would cause memory issues, brain fog and cognitive decline.
However, the more crucial part is that, Bupropion apparently also antagonizes mscarinic receptors https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Muscarinic_antagonist
Here, you can see the properties of every Muscarinic Receptor https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Muscarinic_acetylcholine_receptor
Well, I thought since it's not listed as an MRA as well as Nicotinic Receptor Antagoniser specifically, it had absolutely no effects on Muscarinic Receptors. And as it turns out, it has the lowest (maxing out the scale, I think) as seen here again: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Muscarinic_antagonist
Which I thought meant it has one of the highest binding strength and thus one of the most potent antagonizer of Muscarinic Receptors. But it's the opposite, low Ki value = stronger binding affinity.
So, that's not the reason why it causes memory issues, focus problems and other cognitive issues. And the only culprit seems to possibly arise from it's Nicotine Receptor Antagonizarion.
I think the Muscarinic Antagonist side effects are what most people who experience side effects on Bupropion have, so this doesn't make sense... Nicotin Antagonism doesn't seem to have these kinds of effects, at least they don't have most of the super specific side effects that are listed under MRA (Muscarinic Receptor Antagonist) side effects.
Now I was back to square one. Looking at https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acetylcholine the only way anticholinergic substances can cause the side effects I talked about are Cholinesterase inhibitors, Cholinesterase synthesis inhibitors and releass inhibitors. None of which Bupropion has the properties of.
The one that fits with EVERY single side effect that I get from taking Bupropion, and the side effects that subside after stopping Bupropion have to do with Muscarinic Receptors' antagonisation and agonisation, respectively.
Looking here: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Muscarinic_acetylcholine_receptor Bupropion has almost no antagonist properties regarding Muscarinic receptors, as we've seen earlier.
The M1 receptor specifically seems to correlate with those properties, not the remaining 4 receptors.
I think the only possible answer is the fact that Bupropion blocking/inhibiting Nicotinic Acethylcholine Receptors somehow results in a disfunction of Acethylcholine - Choline life cycle. Especially after seeing this and a few other researches pointing out that Bupropion's effects on Acethylcholine Receptors are a functional analog of PCP, that is Phencyclidine https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1357272509001757 Regardless of this fact, it should be leading to downstream effects on the cholinergic system. Since Nicotinic Acethylcholine Receptors play a role in modulating the release of acetylcholine, their inhibition might be resulting in altered acetylcholine dynamics, potentially contributing to cognitive impairments.
Two more papers • Weber, M., & Changeux, J.-P. (2012). Nicotinic acetylcholine receptors: From structure to brain function. Reviews in the Neurosciences, 23(6), 593-607. • Dwoskin, L. P., & Crooks, P. A. (2002). Competitive neuronal nicotinic receptor antagonists: A new direction for drug discovery. Journal of Pharmacology and Experimental Therapeutics, 298(2), 395-402.
TL;DR:
That was a long day of indulging into pharmacodynamics as a person with absolutely no medical background, and I probably made a billion mistakes, false assumptions and didn't grasp it all properly. But the sheer amount of educated peoples conclusions resulting in these side effects, cognitive inpairment , having a hard time learning, and memory problems could only be caused by it's anticholinergic effects, I will be moving forward with that assumption.
I will be looking for a "Bupropion" that has no anticholinergic effects in any way whatsoever, so only the NDRI parts. Not sure if that exists, but I can't afford to worsen my cognition this way. So even if it did not exist and Bupropion was the only option, I would still end up not using it.
So yeah, I will update this once I try and get results, either bad or good, from whatever other medication/therapy etc. works the same way Bupropion does for me, but has non of the side effects (probably) caused by it's anticholinergic effects.
2024.05.20 00:09 Couch-potato-barbie The toms and drug use
Holy shit I’m just realizing how deep the substance use goes on this show. That’s why at the beginning they’re all in their 30s and so not in the typical spot a 30 year old would be. You don’t reach that point of life and not be tired of the party lifestyle and be sober. That’s what stassi realized when she started dating Patrick (not that’s he a great guy, but he wasn’t living life as an addict or someone surrounded by it). Stassi was surrounded by addiction and then got away from it and realized how much better life is when you get away from the party lifestyle. And that’s why Katie started to talk about Patrick having a job and her being annoyed that Tom couldn’t do a bartending shift. She saw a different life through stassi through Patrick. The women slowly started to live a life free from partying. The cast mates who grow past the partying lifestyle are always the ones on the outs of the group (the latest being Ariana). Katie, Stassi, Ariana, James, Scheana flip flopping with it; they’re all growing beyond the partying. Tom, Tom, and Jax; their entire relationship is based on partying and doing drugs together. That’s why they stayed as friends for so long, and even still hang out now, they always know one another will be up to party at any point, so the relationship doesn’t matter because they just need each other to party with so they don’t feel like addicts (because they’re doing it “socially” but they’re creating social situation so they can party). They all have so much dirt on each other because of their substance abuse and party lifestyles. Tom, Tom, and Jax are full blown addicts.
This is why the guys hate Katie and stassi so much. They started to leave the partying scene and Katie and Stassi wanted Schwartz to leave it. And Tom and jax were pissed about the women taking their party buddy. I also think this is why Kristen had such a hard time leaving Sandoval. The boys were her people to party with since Stassi and Katie left the scene.
submitted by Couch-potato-barbie to Vanderpumpaholics [link] [comments]
This is why the guys hate Katie and stassi so much. They started to leave the partying scene and Katie and Stassi wanted Schwartz to leave it. And Tom and jax were pissed about the women taking their party buddy. I also think this is why Kristen had such a hard time leaving Sandoval. The boys were her people to party with since Stassi and Katie left the scene.
2024.05.19 23:48 Jetblackheart21 20 [M4NB/F] #Online #USA Dream a little dream of me
I'm from Utah County and non-Mormon, so you can see the obvious fun I have dating /S. I'm not making this a sob story; the real reason I'm posting here is that it feels a bit more personal than most dating apps. I'm a pretty cheerful, confident guy. I can be a massive smartass and yap a lot, but I can have serious conversations and value communication. So, if you need an ear, I'm game, but do expect the same in return. I tend to be out and about a lot, usually doing stupid stuff and trying not to get hurt or in trouble while doing it. Most of the time, I'm a pro, but there are quite a few stories where I fumbled, lol.
I like to work out. I mostly do calisthenics. I'm admittedly fairly skinny but decently toned. I've also taken up running, but I'm not Usain Bolt, lol. I also play video games, mostly military simulation games like Arma and OHD. I also play platformers like Mario and Sonic, with Sonic being my go-to for my neurodivergent self. I'm big into history, mostly WW2 and the Cold War, and some WW1. I'm actually working on making a Cold War-themed board game.
On top of being a nerd, I do have a sensitive side. I know some of you have probably rolled your eyes, but hey, I like to write poems, and I'm a huge flirt when I warm up to someone. I'm looking for a sweet, caring person around my age and preferably living in the USA. I'm not picky, it's more important that we click, you know?
As for my values, I'm very liberal and an atheist. You don't have to share my views exactly, but I'm being upfront now to avoid causing issues later. I drink sometimes and don't use drugs. I don't care if you use pot, but anything harder is a no-go zone for me, as my family has some history with addiction. If you want to talk, I'm down to give you my Snap or Discord in DM
submitted by Jetblackheart21 to ForeverAloneDating [link] [comments]
I like to work out. I mostly do calisthenics. I'm admittedly fairly skinny but decently toned. I've also taken up running, but I'm not Usain Bolt, lol. I also play video games, mostly military simulation games like Arma and OHD. I also play platformers like Mario and Sonic, with Sonic being my go-to for my neurodivergent self. I'm big into history, mostly WW2 and the Cold War, and some WW1. I'm actually working on making a Cold War-themed board game.
On top of being a nerd, I do have a sensitive side. I know some of you have probably rolled your eyes, but hey, I like to write poems, and I'm a huge flirt when I warm up to someone. I'm looking for a sweet, caring person around my age and preferably living in the USA. I'm not picky, it's more important that we click, you know?
As for my values, I'm very liberal and an atheist. You don't have to share my views exactly, but I'm being upfront now to avoid causing issues later. I drink sometimes and don't use drugs. I don't care if you use pot, but anything harder is a no-go zone for me, as my family has some history with addiction. If you want to talk, I'm down to give you my Snap or Discord in DM
2024.05.19 23:09 Jetblackheart21 20 [M4NB/F] #Online #USA Husker looking for his angeldust
I'm from Utah County and non-Mormon, so you can see the obvious fun I have dating /S. I'm not making this a sob story; the real reason I'm posting here is that it feels a bit more personal than most dating apps. I'm a pretty cheerful, confident guy. I can be a massive smartass and yap a lot, but I can have serious conversations and value communication. So, if you need an ear, I'm game, but do expect the same in return. I tend to be out and about a lot, usually doing stupid stuff and trying not to get hurt or in trouble while doing it. Most of the time, I'm a pro, but there are quite a few stories where I fumbled, lol.
I like to work out. I mostly do calisthenics. I'm admittedly fairly skinny but decently toned. I've also taken up running, but I'm not Usain Bolt, lol. I also play video games, mostly military simulation games like Arma and OHD. I also play platformers like Mario and Sonic, with Sonic being my go-to for my neurodivergent self. I'm big into history, mostly WW2 and the Cold War, and some WW1. I'm actually working on making a Cold War-themed board game.
On top of being a nerd, I do have a sensitive side. I know some of you have probably rolled your eyes, but hey, I like to write poems, and I'm a huge flirt when I warm up to someone. I'm looking for a sweet, caring person around my age and preferably living in the USA. I'm not picky, it's more important that we click, you know?
As for my values, I'm very liberal and an atheist. You don't have to share my views exactly, but I'm being upfront now to avoid causing issues later. I drink sometimes and don't use drugs. I don't care if you use pot, but anything harder is a no-go zone for me, as my family has some history with addiction. If you want to talk, I'm down to give you my Snap or Discord in DM
submitted by Jetblackheart21 to ForeverAloneDating [link] [comments]
I like to work out. I mostly do calisthenics. I'm admittedly fairly skinny but decently toned. I've also taken up running, but I'm not Usain Bolt, lol. I also play video games, mostly military simulation games like Arma and OHD. I also play platformers like Mario and Sonic, with Sonic being my go-to for my neurodivergent self. I'm big into history, mostly WW2 and the Cold War, and some WW1. I'm actually working on making a Cold War-themed board game.
On top of being a nerd, I do have a sensitive side. I know some of you have probably rolled your eyes, but hey, I like to write poems, and I'm a huge flirt when I warm up to someone. I'm looking for a sweet, caring person around my age and preferably living in the USA. I'm not picky, it's more important that we click, you know?
As for my values, I'm very liberal and an atheist. You don't have to share my views exactly, but I'm being upfront now to avoid causing issues later. I drink sometimes and don't use drugs. I don't care if you use pot, but anything harder is a no-go zone for me, as my family has some history with addiction. If you want to talk, I'm down to give you my Snap or Discord in DM
2024.05.19 22:44 Few_Newt_1034 Complex grief after abusive relationship.
Warning: abuse
At 19F in the middle of active alcoholism 3 years after my mom went to jail for murder for hire, I was a SW (looking?) for a SD? - while out at a bar I got approached by a 43M that I found attractive and very charismatic. Thinking we’d end up having “fun”, I returned the honest sentiment of attraction. We stayed together 2.5 years after that. He was a Chemist who laughed and made light of everything, his alcoholism and drug addiction became apparent from the beginning, but not to the extent that it got to/really was.
Like all relationships, things started out fun, a very Glee movie summer-like love, very free-ing. He was a Doctor of chemistry and worked in the oil field prior to my meeting him, because of his living situation and luxury cars he seemed like he was doing well. He never was any type of SD. The night I met him, we made eye contact and never looked away. Our chemistry, pun intended- was like nothing I’ve ever experienced.
I’m the youngest, not the smartest nor prettiest. I quit my jobs because I simply didn’t want to work sometimes, I made a lot of mistakes and I’ve been in the receiving end of family based bullying and school bullying, SA, R@p€, abandonment and trust issues, I’m bipolar, I practice/d SH, depression, GAD… things of the human condition that make it feel like I’m faulty.
This man was the first person that ever sat with me and listened to me vent to the extent that I did the first tight we spent together. We rarely had sex, but we shared breaths as we slept, (he inhales my breath as I exhale his breath, vise-versa and so on and so forth) to keep it brief and give example. He’s the most intimate partner I’ve ever experienced.
I notice others micro expressions and cater to their benefit if it seems they are troubled or asking for help.
I’m having so much trouble these days accepting the fact that I’m never going to meet him again. Specifically because he was so attentive and catering to my needs. He knew immediately when I was masking. I’m so confused and perplexed about the feeling of not having anyone in my life that has that interest in me. I felt so understood. That’s been my first and last experience with feeling understood like that.
He drank from morning to night nonstop. Together we became aware of what alcoholism was. Brown urine, blood, pain… regret that then led to arguments, accidents, threats, drugs, danger, fear turned to bonding, helping each other, trying to get better, failing. Trying again. Do it all over again. Fail. Again and again.
We managed to get sober a few days. His parents loved me. I understood and loved him. He hadn’t been sober for that long and trying for a long time. He was doing better, that’s what his mom would say.
Every relapse got harder, more dangerous medically and physically as well as economically.
Sleep deprivation was torture I hadn’t experienced before. I would be awoken with yelling because of delirium, anger and he would degrade me so badly. Use that bond we had against me, my own experiences turned against me he’d repeat the insults I shared with him to me. Yell those at me. Then love bomb. Then threaten me and my family with guns. I lived in fear when he blacked out. Felt lonely because with all of the yelling, smashing things around, being stared at by neighbors crying, being called an idiot dumbass in front of people and them witnessing me at a low point and then, agreeing with him? No neighbor knocked after crying and yelling to see if anyone was ok or dying. Public shame feels so. Fucking. Lonely. Isolation doesn’t help.
He stopped functioning. His body started giving out. I loved him. Took care of him cleaned his wounds after falls, his body after incontinence. He literally shed blood, shit and tears, regret and asked for forgiveness when I cared for him in his sober state.
In return, I’d receive non stop verbal abuse if I didn’t stop and do what he wanted me to at the time he wanted me to and how he wanted me to. If I didn’t give him my attention he’d end up getting it by threatening my family. And he would! Fight my brother and go after him with loaded guns. So there I would go do what he said. Forced to ride in a vehicle, with him locking the doors, blasting Phil Collins yelling at me. Driving erratically, dangerously. And I’d be so fucking scared of crashing. Just imagining the police report, “f19 dead alongside 43m after drunk reckless driving”. He’d speed in traffic so I couldn’t really jump out the car. I’d end up just drinking to numb the fear.
I had enough and attempted to sleepies forever by taking a sweet deadly cocktail of whatever handful of pills I could get my hands on. We had plastic gallon moving boxes filled with narcotics- he was a pharmacist too. I told him I was going to KMS he said go ahead, so I attempted and I filmed it.
From the setting up the phone in that closet, the one I color coordinated for him, his button-ups and suits in those dry-cleaning bags that hadn’t been opened since leaving the laundry shop… I watched my su!c!d€ afterwards. Out of morbid curiosity. “What a dumbass!” was what he said when he found me. I won’t go into detail of the full video but chest compressions hurt a lot, 10/10 would not recommend. And EMS left the AED stickers on my chest 🤷🏽♀️
After that 24hr watch, an awkward taxi drive to a crisis clinic that was understaffed and left me in a room by myself for two hours and walking in public with those see-through paper hospital clothes. Embarrassment is a light expression. When I was taken home, I didn’t have keys, or phone, or anything. Just my discharge papers and my cut vomit stained pajamas in a biohazard bag. - I lived in a gated neighborhood with key-fob-entry-only. I was fucked and waited what seemed like 4 hours for anyone to help me but no one showed up until HE did WITH MY BROTHER. The one who was threatened with a gun, that brother.
JFC the amount of insults, “what a fucking dumbass, what were you thinking? You’re a fucking idiot!” To summarize in the friendliest way. I was dressed in a see through hospital gown, I went straight to the shower, didn’t have the energy to get dressed when they kept just YELLING at me. INSULTING me- I had enough and wanted to defend myself. That’s when my brother pulled out his phone and started filming me pleading with them to let me sleep, calling me crazy, threatening to “show the family how fucking crazy you are!” - I threw my phone. Broke the microwave door. More insults, while still filming me, I was ordered to, “clean it up” - and at that moment. Completely detached, I did.
I put my brother on the soon-est bus to Mexico and sent him to rehab after 2 hell filled weeks of him living with us because he was so fucked in alcoholism he was homeless. To this day I don’t know how I did that.
I managed to leave my ex. 2 weeks later I receive calls from worried friends. Ryan was missing.
After investigating, (calls to police,hospitals, checking out the “usual” spots) - turns out he went to a Circle K looking for Peroni after the liquor store wouldn’t sell to him, tripped on the steps, hit his head on the pavement, STILL MANAGED TO PURCHASE ALCOHOL, left, got into a fight, and somehow miraculously ended up in his apartment where he tried to shower, fell face forward towards the water tap, (which left a softball sized bruise on his right eye and fractured his nose) he then tried to walk towards the kitchen? Passed out in the living room leaving blood all over the walls, puddles on the ground and the biggest blood clot stain on the floor ( we had to get crime scene cleaners). He apparently had a fit where he trashed the apartment by throwing my things, my plants, bottles of crown… anything. Everything was trashed when I found him in the apartment. I counted at LEAST 20 bottles of crown. He was so fucked up we thought he had been assaulted.
COVID hit and hospitals were in full lockdown. As an “essential worker” I could travel to the hospital to see him, and because someone somewhere said I was his wife/fiancée I was the ONLY one allowed to see him.
I snuck behind friends and family’s backs checking in on him at the hospital. Singing The Carpenters songs, wearing his favorite perfumes, reading Bill’s Story (IYKYK), playing Phil Collins. The whole 9 yards.
The last time I saw him, he was in Physical therapy/Rehab. He ended up moving back to his parents in California. Then February the next year, on Valentine’s Day - his mom let me know he passed.
She grieved very much attached to me. It was one of the saddest things I ever had to help someone through - alongside helping her son go through alcoholism.
I became a CNA as a tribute to helping him during those hard sober times where his body gave out. Helping others like that, bathing them, diaper changing, g-tube cleaning, hygiene essentials…
The classic grief started with what-if’s. Etc. it’s been hard lately because all my family is against him and his family resents me for being the only one with access to his medical records during COVID. I’m in a relationship now and our therapist told me to “put a break on it”. Recently. My mental illnesses keep getting worse and I feel like no other has taken such interest in me as much as Ryan did. He was so observant. So in-sync with me. And he was so shitty to me. He’s like the sweetest tasting radioactive flower that once was and will never be. And I’m grieving. And it’s so lonely out here.
I don’t know. I’m not suicid@l, I’m medicated and 4 years sober. It’s been hard and it’s getting harder to understand. I feel neglected and lonely. Anything helps please.
submitted by Few_Newt_1034 to GriefSupport [link] [comments]
At 19F in the middle of active alcoholism 3 years after my mom went to jail for murder for hire, I was a SW (looking?) for a SD? - while out at a bar I got approached by a 43M that I found attractive and very charismatic. Thinking we’d end up having “fun”, I returned the honest sentiment of attraction. We stayed together 2.5 years after that. He was a Chemist who laughed and made light of everything, his alcoholism and drug addiction became apparent from the beginning, but not to the extent that it got to/really was.
Like all relationships, things started out fun, a very Glee movie summer-like love, very free-ing. He was a Doctor of chemistry and worked in the oil field prior to my meeting him, because of his living situation and luxury cars he seemed like he was doing well. He never was any type of SD. The night I met him, we made eye contact and never looked away. Our chemistry, pun intended- was like nothing I’ve ever experienced.
I’m the youngest, not the smartest nor prettiest. I quit my jobs because I simply didn’t want to work sometimes, I made a lot of mistakes and I’ve been in the receiving end of family based bullying and school bullying, SA, R@p€, abandonment and trust issues, I’m bipolar, I practice/d SH, depression, GAD… things of the human condition that make it feel like I’m faulty.
This man was the first person that ever sat with me and listened to me vent to the extent that I did the first tight we spent together. We rarely had sex, but we shared breaths as we slept, (he inhales my breath as I exhale his breath, vise-versa and so on and so forth) to keep it brief and give example. He’s the most intimate partner I’ve ever experienced.
I notice others micro expressions and cater to their benefit if it seems they are troubled or asking for help.
I’m having so much trouble these days accepting the fact that I’m never going to meet him again. Specifically because he was so attentive and catering to my needs. He knew immediately when I was masking. I’m so confused and perplexed about the feeling of not having anyone in my life that has that interest in me. I felt so understood. That’s been my first and last experience with feeling understood like that.
He drank from morning to night nonstop. Together we became aware of what alcoholism was. Brown urine, blood, pain… regret that then led to arguments, accidents, threats, drugs, danger, fear turned to bonding, helping each other, trying to get better, failing. Trying again. Do it all over again. Fail. Again and again.
We managed to get sober a few days. His parents loved me. I understood and loved him. He hadn’t been sober for that long and trying for a long time. He was doing better, that’s what his mom would say.
Every relapse got harder, more dangerous medically and physically as well as economically.
Sleep deprivation was torture I hadn’t experienced before. I would be awoken with yelling because of delirium, anger and he would degrade me so badly. Use that bond we had against me, my own experiences turned against me he’d repeat the insults I shared with him to me. Yell those at me. Then love bomb. Then threaten me and my family with guns. I lived in fear when he blacked out. Felt lonely because with all of the yelling, smashing things around, being stared at by neighbors crying, being called an idiot dumbass in front of people and them witnessing me at a low point and then, agreeing with him? No neighbor knocked after crying and yelling to see if anyone was ok or dying. Public shame feels so. Fucking. Lonely. Isolation doesn’t help.
He stopped functioning. His body started giving out. I loved him. Took care of him cleaned his wounds after falls, his body after incontinence. He literally shed blood, shit and tears, regret and asked for forgiveness when I cared for him in his sober state.
In return, I’d receive non stop verbal abuse if I didn’t stop and do what he wanted me to at the time he wanted me to and how he wanted me to. If I didn’t give him my attention he’d end up getting it by threatening my family. And he would! Fight my brother and go after him with loaded guns. So there I would go do what he said. Forced to ride in a vehicle, with him locking the doors, blasting Phil Collins yelling at me. Driving erratically, dangerously. And I’d be so fucking scared of crashing. Just imagining the police report, “f19 dead alongside 43m after drunk reckless driving”. He’d speed in traffic so I couldn’t really jump out the car. I’d end up just drinking to numb the fear.
I had enough and attempted to sleepies forever by taking a sweet deadly cocktail of whatever handful of pills I could get my hands on. We had plastic gallon moving boxes filled with narcotics- he was a pharmacist too. I told him I was going to KMS he said go ahead, so I attempted and I filmed it.
From the setting up the phone in that closet, the one I color coordinated for him, his button-ups and suits in those dry-cleaning bags that hadn’t been opened since leaving the laundry shop… I watched my su!c!d€ afterwards. Out of morbid curiosity. “What a dumbass!” was what he said when he found me. I won’t go into detail of the full video but chest compressions hurt a lot, 10/10 would not recommend. And EMS left the AED stickers on my chest 🤷🏽♀️
After that 24hr watch, an awkward taxi drive to a crisis clinic that was understaffed and left me in a room by myself for two hours and walking in public with those see-through paper hospital clothes. Embarrassment is a light expression. When I was taken home, I didn’t have keys, or phone, or anything. Just my discharge papers and my cut vomit stained pajamas in a biohazard bag. - I lived in a gated neighborhood with key-fob-entry-only. I was fucked and waited what seemed like 4 hours for anyone to help me but no one showed up until HE did WITH MY BROTHER. The one who was threatened with a gun, that brother.
JFC the amount of insults, “what a fucking dumbass, what were you thinking? You’re a fucking idiot!” To summarize in the friendliest way. I was dressed in a see through hospital gown, I went straight to the shower, didn’t have the energy to get dressed when they kept just YELLING at me. INSULTING me- I had enough and wanted to defend myself. That’s when my brother pulled out his phone and started filming me pleading with them to let me sleep, calling me crazy, threatening to “show the family how fucking crazy you are!” - I threw my phone. Broke the microwave door. More insults, while still filming me, I was ordered to, “clean it up” - and at that moment. Completely detached, I did.
I put my brother on the soon-est bus to Mexico and sent him to rehab after 2 hell filled weeks of him living with us because he was so fucked in alcoholism he was homeless. To this day I don’t know how I did that.
I managed to leave my ex. 2 weeks later I receive calls from worried friends. Ryan was missing.
After investigating, (calls to police,hospitals, checking out the “usual” spots) - turns out he went to a Circle K looking for Peroni after the liquor store wouldn’t sell to him, tripped on the steps, hit his head on the pavement, STILL MANAGED TO PURCHASE ALCOHOL, left, got into a fight, and somehow miraculously ended up in his apartment where he tried to shower, fell face forward towards the water tap, (which left a softball sized bruise on his right eye and fractured his nose) he then tried to walk towards the kitchen? Passed out in the living room leaving blood all over the walls, puddles on the ground and the biggest blood clot stain on the floor ( we had to get crime scene cleaners). He apparently had a fit where he trashed the apartment by throwing my things, my plants, bottles of crown… anything. Everything was trashed when I found him in the apartment. I counted at LEAST 20 bottles of crown. He was so fucked up we thought he had been assaulted.
COVID hit and hospitals were in full lockdown. As an “essential worker” I could travel to the hospital to see him, and because someone somewhere said I was his wife/fiancée I was the ONLY one allowed to see him.
I snuck behind friends and family’s backs checking in on him at the hospital. Singing The Carpenters songs, wearing his favorite perfumes, reading Bill’s Story (IYKYK), playing Phil Collins. The whole 9 yards.
The last time I saw him, he was in Physical therapy/Rehab. He ended up moving back to his parents in California. Then February the next year, on Valentine’s Day - his mom let me know he passed.
She grieved very much attached to me. It was one of the saddest things I ever had to help someone through - alongside helping her son go through alcoholism.
I became a CNA as a tribute to helping him during those hard sober times where his body gave out. Helping others like that, bathing them, diaper changing, g-tube cleaning, hygiene essentials…
The classic grief started with what-if’s. Etc. it’s been hard lately because all my family is against him and his family resents me for being the only one with access to his medical records during COVID. I’m in a relationship now and our therapist told me to “put a break on it”. Recently. My mental illnesses keep getting worse and I feel like no other has taken such interest in me as much as Ryan did. He was so observant. So in-sync with me. And he was so shitty to me. He’s like the sweetest tasting radioactive flower that once was and will never be. And I’m grieving. And it’s so lonely out here.
I don’t know. I’m not suicid@l, I’m medicated and 4 years sober. It’s been hard and it’s getting harder to understand. I feel neglected and lonely. Anything helps please.
2024.05.19 22:38 992x Guys and gals please help me understand. Why are you interested in someone who couldn't be any further away from your personality?
Let me clarify. Right now I'm studying so yes I'm definitely in the dating circle. And this has always baffled me. Why does someone who for example is extremely academic and cares about school seem to be interested in the biggest drug addict lazy person in the school? I see it all the time the 10/10 girl (or guy) in terms of grades is always dating the biggest loser who couldn't give a fuck about studies.
And I do understand that people don't want to date their mirror, but you'd think they would like someone like them. What am I missing?
submitted by 992x to NoStupidQuestions [link] [comments]
And I do understand that people don't want to date their mirror, but you'd think they would like someone like them. What am I missing?
2024.05.19 22:19 No-Blackberry7363 I’m sorry, I had to
I was once your best friend. Some of my fondest memories are of when we were young, carefree and having a blast. Talking for hours on end, the conversation would never falter. You were my soul friend, someone I thought would be in my life forever, that we’d be those old ladies in a retirement home causing mischief and having a laugh.
But we grew up and grew apart. Our lives took different paths, and I’m sorry I had to end our friendship so I could get fully sober, as really we were never actually sober together and that is what probably bound us together. The high life. And I can’t live that life anymore.
I realised that you never thought of me the same as I thought of you. All those comments about people saying bad things about me to you, it was almost never ending, and why would they do that if you weren’t saying the same things. I always defended you to others. The few times someone said something bad to me about you, I’d stand up for you and after a short time it stopped, probably because people knew I wouldn’t agree with their version of you. I’d say the person I know isn’t like that, that the mask you wear was in front of them not me, but was it.
The drama, there was always a drama. You couldn’t ever be at peace with being happy. If there wasn’t drama there, you’d find it. At first I thought you had it hard, but then I realised you liked to make it hard.
You’d always picked drugs over everything else. You got in deeper than me. Your addiction was to harder stuff. But you never took the help offered. You’d send messages late crying your eyes out that something had happened and that you were going out to buy some. I’d offer you a safe space to come, but you always picked the hard road and left yourself in worse situations. You’d pick getting off your face on your own than somewhere where someone genuinely cared about you and wanted to help. You’d leave distraught messages and go off the radar for hours. Never answering a phone call. Asking for help but never taking it. I even sat outside your house a few times because you’d send me a voice message in a mess saying something had happened and you needed help. But you never answered when I called or knocked, then hours later say you were fine now but ignore that I’d tried to get to you when you said you needed me. I offered you help in other ways, NA meetings, rehab, anything I could think of to help. And you’d lie about getting help for sometime until the lie unraveled and the cycle would continue.
You’d surround yourself with the same sort of people, the heavy users who’d do nothing else. You’d tell me how terrible they were, bad mouthing them, but then some of them also considered you a “best friend”. Again being two faced. You never really doing anything to get yourself out of that life. You’d still speak people who left you in terrible situations. I even stopped speaking to people because of what you said they did to you, and you still would. You never had that same respect for yourself.
I’d try make plans with you to do other things, normal things. But every time I’d get a late night/early morning text saying you couldn’t sleep or something had happened so you couldn’t do our plans or had to push them back for hours, until a time they weren’t worth doing. Yet you could always get up early and do things with others. But I guess they were more important to you.
I know you’re an addict, and sometimes can’t help your actions because of that. But so am I, and that why I can’t be around you anymore. I can’t handle the stress, worry and lies, and you’d make me doubt myself in ways I’d never without the things you said. And I need to put myself first.
Our friendship wasn’t all bad. We had some amazing times together, especially in the first few years, but now I’m sober, now I’ve finally given up the last thing clouding my mind 10 years after giving up everything else, I realise that nothing I could ever say or do would help you. And you never thought of me as highly as I thought of you.
And I’m sorry I had to cut the final tie when I know you did need me. I only came back to you because you said you needed me after already cutting ties, but the cycle started again and I knew I couldn’t achieve what I needed to while still going through that same pattern. And I know I wasn’t a perfect friend all the time. And I’m sorry for that too.
You do have a beautiful soul. Despite what I’ve said here there are times you’ve gone out of your way to be there when I needed you. You can do selfless things for others and be very kind and caring. You’re a great artist and creative writer. You can be strong willed and determined and when you put your mind to things you can achieve greatness. I’ve seen you do it. Your laugh and energy can light up a room. You’re a beautiful person, but you don’t let your inside be as beautiful as your outside. when it can be if you let it.
I do hope you find peace and true happiness in life so you don’t need to keep hiding in the darkness you’ve created. Learn to love and respect yourself and give yourself the chance to be the best version of yourself, as shes there somewhere. I’ve seen her.
I’ll always care about you and I’ll miss the friendship we did once have. But I’m sorry, I had to end this cycle.
submitted by No-Blackberry7363 to UnsentLetters [link] [comments]
But we grew up and grew apart. Our lives took different paths, and I’m sorry I had to end our friendship so I could get fully sober, as really we were never actually sober together and that is what probably bound us together. The high life. And I can’t live that life anymore.
I realised that you never thought of me the same as I thought of you. All those comments about people saying bad things about me to you, it was almost never ending, and why would they do that if you weren’t saying the same things. I always defended you to others. The few times someone said something bad to me about you, I’d stand up for you and after a short time it stopped, probably because people knew I wouldn’t agree with their version of you. I’d say the person I know isn’t like that, that the mask you wear was in front of them not me, but was it.
The drama, there was always a drama. You couldn’t ever be at peace with being happy. If there wasn’t drama there, you’d find it. At first I thought you had it hard, but then I realised you liked to make it hard.
You’d always picked drugs over everything else. You got in deeper than me. Your addiction was to harder stuff. But you never took the help offered. You’d send messages late crying your eyes out that something had happened and that you were going out to buy some. I’d offer you a safe space to come, but you always picked the hard road and left yourself in worse situations. You’d pick getting off your face on your own than somewhere where someone genuinely cared about you and wanted to help. You’d leave distraught messages and go off the radar for hours. Never answering a phone call. Asking for help but never taking it. I even sat outside your house a few times because you’d send me a voice message in a mess saying something had happened and you needed help. But you never answered when I called or knocked, then hours later say you were fine now but ignore that I’d tried to get to you when you said you needed me. I offered you help in other ways, NA meetings, rehab, anything I could think of to help. And you’d lie about getting help for sometime until the lie unraveled and the cycle would continue.
You’d surround yourself with the same sort of people, the heavy users who’d do nothing else. You’d tell me how terrible they were, bad mouthing them, but then some of them also considered you a “best friend”. Again being two faced. You never really doing anything to get yourself out of that life. You’d still speak people who left you in terrible situations. I even stopped speaking to people because of what you said they did to you, and you still would. You never had that same respect for yourself.
I’d try make plans with you to do other things, normal things. But every time I’d get a late night/early morning text saying you couldn’t sleep or something had happened so you couldn’t do our plans or had to push them back for hours, until a time they weren’t worth doing. Yet you could always get up early and do things with others. But I guess they were more important to you.
I know you’re an addict, and sometimes can’t help your actions because of that. But so am I, and that why I can’t be around you anymore. I can’t handle the stress, worry and lies, and you’d make me doubt myself in ways I’d never without the things you said. And I need to put myself first.
Our friendship wasn’t all bad. We had some amazing times together, especially in the first few years, but now I’m sober, now I’ve finally given up the last thing clouding my mind 10 years after giving up everything else, I realise that nothing I could ever say or do would help you. And you never thought of me as highly as I thought of you.
And I’m sorry I had to cut the final tie when I know you did need me. I only came back to you because you said you needed me after already cutting ties, but the cycle started again and I knew I couldn’t achieve what I needed to while still going through that same pattern. And I know I wasn’t a perfect friend all the time. And I’m sorry for that too.
You do have a beautiful soul. Despite what I’ve said here there are times you’ve gone out of your way to be there when I needed you. You can do selfless things for others and be very kind and caring. You’re a great artist and creative writer. You can be strong willed and determined and when you put your mind to things you can achieve greatness. I’ve seen you do it. Your laugh and energy can light up a room. You’re a beautiful person, but you don’t let your inside be as beautiful as your outside. when it can be if you let it.
I do hope you find peace and true happiness in life so you don’t need to keep hiding in the darkness you’ve created. Learn to love and respect yourself and give yourself the chance to be the best version of yourself, as shes there somewhere. I’ve seen her.
I’ll always care about you and I’ll miss the friendship we did once have. But I’m sorry, I had to end this cycle.