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NHRA Drag Racing
2012.04.30 19:14 NHRA Drag Racing
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2024.05.19 10:05 ggwplucky [Abandoned Pools] Sony Connect Track by Track Interview
![[Abandoned Pools] Sony Connect Track by Track Interview](https://b.thumbs.redditmedia.com/Wh_F6hlvj3-qiM2-gJFE7A7mKUd6-BFPlteTdOzhJWY.jpg "[Abandoned Pools] Sony Connect Track by Track Interview") | A while back I was messing around with the Wayback Machine & came across this diamond in the rough on AP's MySpace page. Also found some photos, but most importantly, a track-by-track [Armed To The Teeth] interview from Sony Connect that they did back in '05 (presumably around the same time they did the Sony Connect set with the acoustic songs). submitted by ggwplucky to AbandonedPools [link] [comments] In the interview, Tommy tells the story behind each track on Armed To The Teeth (except Lucky). You'll also find tidbits about the process, lyrically & sonically of these songs, and much more! If you want to read it/see it from the "raw" source and discover more, here's a link with the Wayback's capture I found on the interview blog: https://web.archive.org/web/20071005015435/http://www.myspace.com/abandonedpools Now without further ado, the Sonic Connect Interview: A track by track discussion of Armed to the Teeth from the Sony Connect Store interview: LETHAL KILLERS TW: As far as how that [demo of the] song was constructed ... I did this trick where I would take a half-time drum loop and sort of nudge it one way and then put in another track and nudge it the other, and we got this sort of double time, rolling drum feel. So that - plus the sort of round-robin type of guitar parts that we have going - was sort of a very easy construction for a song. And then you start moving the bass part around, and, boom, you've got a song. But I think that lyrically - I want to make it clear that that song isn't necessarily [about] "church is bad, government's bad." I think it's a little bit more complicated than that, though sometimes if you mix the two of religious power and government power, that can be bad for both of them. And I kinda like the idea of not living a life saying, "Well, you better live life in a certain way because then, you know, everything's gonna be great later in heaven." You know, the idea of, like, if this is all we have now, if that idea was just a little bit more embraced, our world could be a little bit better. I just find that a little bit more satisfying, too, if you think like, this is all you have and then you're gonna die. [Laughs] It seems a little bit more like, "Oh, okay, well!" instead of, like, thinking that there's some other life at some other time and you can put things off. RABBLE TW: Well, a lot of the songs on this record - about two-thirds of it - have to do with a relationship I had that went south, and you know when you go through relationships you always have such a good 20/20 hindsight about things. And I think "Rabble" is just trying to basically say to somebody, "I just wanted to know you better" . . . It's just one of those things where, with this relationship in particular, I wish it would have turned out better. And there's a lot of things that happened that shouldn't have happened, and it's just sort of one of those "oh, what could have been?" scenarios. THE CATALYST TW: "The Catalyst" is definitely along the same lines. I think the main line in that one is "I wish I could say something beautiful to make you fall in love again." There's a Coachella reference in there, too: "Love has slowly faded away like spotlights shining into space." Have you ever been to Coachella? Of course you have. You know, there's all those spotlights that shoot up in the air. I just thought that was kinda cool, like, how far do those lights really go? "The Catalyst" was also the last song written for the record. It was demoed while we were in the studio. And it's one of those songs that I said two-thirds of the record was written for somebody. That's one of them. TIGHTER NOOSE TW: "Tighter Noose" is the oldest song on the record by far. It was probably written back in '99, 2000, or somewhere in there. I was thinking about it for the first record [2001's Humanistic], but it didn't really fit in with those kind of songs, so I kept it around and we'd even play it live occasionally. I think it fits in with these songs way better. [As for what "Tighter Noose" is about,] that song is one of those breaking-off-on-your-own- what-have-you-got-to-lose kind of things, because that was written sort of in the wake of when I was in The Eels. It wasn't a terribly happy situation, so I was like, well screw it, I'm just gonna go off and do my own thing. And then it's sort of like, well, you know: "I'm gonna go start my own thing. Uh, I have to learn to sing and write songs now." [Laughs] It's kinda funny: "Screw you guys! I'm gonna go get a deal!" And then like, "Uh oh." But really, I'm a firm believer in that [idea that] you just gotta go for it. And so it was like, well, this is gonna be difficult, but it's gonna be better than what I had before. And actually, with some distance on that situation, I realized I made the right decision and made a lot more money and was a lot more happy as a result. So that was sort of a leap of faith, you know. I didn't want to be someone's stupid bass player. Now I'm my own stupid bass player. WAITING TO PANIC TW: There was a lull between record companies. The first record [Humanistic] was on Extasy - I don't know if you know about that company, but we were basically the poster-child for the implosion of an indie label. I came off the road in 2002, the label's folding, and I'm like, well, I'm just gonna go back and give this my best shot and we'll get another deal. It seemed highly unlikely, but we ended up doing it. And there was just a lull in there where nobody was interested. I had attorneys not returning my phone calls - that kinda stuff. It felt like, I'm just waiting around and I'm really anxious. So that was a song of frustration that was written and demoed all in one day - it was a song that just came out of me in like eight hours. We also put an EP out [The Reverb EP] and on the EP is the version of that demo that I did in one day. It doesn't happen [like that] very often. Usually I build bed tracks and come back to it a few weeks later and add something, and then come back a couple of days later. This one was all in one shot. HUNTING TW: My friend Ross Golan, who has his own band Ross Golan and Molehead, had been following the wake of the relationship. He's like, "You just gotta write her a song and use her name." And I'm like, nah, nah, it's not covered enough. And he's like, "No, just do it. Go for it." So I did. I wrote this song and I wrote it for her for her birthday and I used her name, which is in the first lyric of the song, which is "Ginny." So I just went for it and wrote it. It was basically a birthday gift, and it was basically saying, like, you know, "Oops!" [Laughs] It didn't get me very far, but I like the song. We're friends, she's a good girl, absolutely, but back at that time, it was kinda like, "Erraaghhh! Here's a song!" But I like the song and I just think it was one of those times where I was really putting myself out there, and I know she liked it, too. But then, I think that's a myth where you just write a song and all of a sudden the girl just says, "Oh! Okay!" But, you know, hey. There it is. It's on the record. That's the romantic notion of how they'll react to the song, at least. TW: Exactly. And I'm really glad we're past that whole ironic phase, which I was part of with The Eels, where everything was super ironic and we'd play "The Macarena" on stage - [sarcastically] and that was funny! I'm glad we're through all that stuff, even though I was still a Beck fan when he was doing all that stuff, too. But I like being sincere and sappy and romantic. I kinda think that's a great thing. ARMED TO THE TEETH TW: This is one of the first songs written when we came off the road and I had a lot of momentum. If you look at the state of the industry you can see a lot of corporations that seem to have to buy everything in sight. They just have to own everything, and to what purpose? Does it really make the industry much better? No. There's fewer outlets, there's a lot more gatekeepers. They want to buy stuff and it just kinda makes things bad for everybody. All the radio stations play the same shit - except for Indie 103.1 and KCRW in L.A. In spite of it all, I'm just gonna try to do my best and have a career anyway. When we came off the road I felt like I had a lot of momentum. Performing live is inspiring to writing, so it was just the whole idea of, "Alright, now that I have one record under my belt, I'm gonna really go for it in spite of all the forces that be." Even though they're pretty much indifferent to us, [laughs] their actions do affect us. It's sort of a song of bravado. Why did you also choose "Armed To The Teeth" as the name of the album, too, which, in turn, implies it as the overall theme? TW: Yeah, which is funny, since I kinda decided on that theme early on, thinking I was gonna go in a certain way, but then, like I said, two-thirds of the record is love songs. So "Armed To The Teeth" doesn't really fit in a certain way, but I also liked it just because [of] that idea of, like, now I'm really ready to make a record, and also I think it reflects the state of the country a little bit. Everything's a little bit aggressive, we're at war, and I thought it was sort of timely in that way SOONER OR LATER TW: "Sooner Or Later" is another one of those tracks that was written after we got signed, so it's a newer song. I mentioned that sort of double time drum loop thing with "Lethal Killers" - this is the same thing. It's a half time drum loop that I nudged in one direction and then put in another track and nudge it in the other, then "boom," it's double time. And I like that, it's a good effect. It really sets up this kind of overlapping, rolling sound that a real drummer can't do. And things flam a little bit, and I really like that feel, so this song was constructed in the same manner where you have a rolling drum loop and then you put over a couple of guitar parts here and there and all of a sudden you got a song - I think this song is over six minutes. This is, um, I guess it's a couple things. Lyrically, it's sort of saying, like, whatever you do or whatever you say, there's no point in hiding anything because it all comes out in the end - which is the tagline in the chorus. There's no hiding. And in the verse it says, "Sooner or later / It's all coming down." In some way or another, whether you acknowledge it or if it just eats at your self, you can't really get away with anything. It's sort of fatalistic that way, but also in terms of, like, seeing how I also look at as a bigger picture of, like, politically, and since we're at war right now, it seems like things are getting a little scary. And that's kind of like one of those doomsday scenarios. If you look around a little you can really freak yourself out if you're reading about, like, bio-warfare and things like that. So a lot of this talk about "smoking gun in the shape of a mushroom cloud" and all that, it sort of brought up for me a lot of doomsday scenarios. So it's two-fold: it's that doomsday scenario, in terms of as far as the world is concerned, and then, personally, if you do stupid shit then you're eventually gonna pay for it somehow. SAILING SEAS TW: Like "Hunting," this is probably the most direct, out-there storytelling song. Instead of using her [real] name, it's switched to "Holly," which is in the chorus. So it's another one of those songs talking straight to somebody. And there's a lot of details in there that I wouldn't talk about in normal conversation. That's the funny thing about songwriting where I wouldn't talk about this, but then I can put it in this song and you can still hear it and you still understand, but it's sort of masked a little bit. It's presented in a certain way where it's somehow okay to say that when you're in a major key or something. Because like, the second verse is about pretending you're outside a room listening to somebody [you love] have sex [with someone else], and that's a situation to put yourself into to really torture yourself. I created this scenario in my head and I put it in a song, and it's kinda brutal, but the [beat of the] song is upbeat and happy. RENEGADE TW: This is a sample-based type song [with] drum loops. The cello was originally a Bjork sample and we replaced it. This one is sort of hard to explain. To me it’s just sort of like just a creation, because some of the record is social commentary, and I think there's a lot of that in this song, and it's like little snippets and ideas, and not necessarily one unifying idea. I think it's just kind of a song based on looking around and taking stock of things. This song in particular isn't really even about anything. It's just, like, observations, pretty much. And, oh, by the way, Billy Howerdel, the guitarist from A Perfect Circle, is playing guitar on that song. He jumped on that track and he's the one that makes it sound scary. MAYBE THEN SOMEDAY TW: That was one of the first songs written in the wake of the breakup. It was one of those kind of "well-it-just-didn't-work-out-but-maybe-one-day-we'll-see-what-happens" kind of things. Because the circumstances are such that it wasn't gonna happen immediately so I was kinda like, well, we'll see. I don't have much to say about that; it's just grouped in with "songs about her." GOODBYE SONG TW: That was also written when there was not a lot going on for me and we hadn't really nailed down the record deal. She [Tommy's ex-girlfriend] always thought she was bad luck - she'd show up and bad things would start happening - so she thought it was her fault that I hadn't got a deal. She actually moved away and soon as she did, we got a deal. [Laughs] I think it's funny to sort of say, like the first line of the song is "I'm not washed up / And you're not bad luck for anyone," so, you know, get off the ledge, really. And it's just one of those things; it's one of those yearning songs. I think with a lot of those songs there's a certain amount of effort spent on presenting evidence, like, "Look, I know this is how you feel, but look at all the other stuff." It's almost like making a case for your self [in a song]. And like I said, it didn't get me far, but it's still a good venting process. And I sort of realize when I say things like, "I wrote this for her" or whatever, it's not really for her. It's more self-indulgent to get this stuff out. And in a way you're saying, "Yeah, I wrote this song for you," but no, you wrote it for yourself so you could say things that you felt like saying. So I realize that and I think I realized that while I was writing them, but my job is to write songs so you take from what's around you to make it happen. |
2024.05.19 01:06 guiltyofnothing “Do you comment on Reddit to be an annoying middle child?” Slapfights rage and insults fly as /r/BoomersBeingFools debates if boomers don’t eat enough food
The Context:
A user posts to /BoomersBeingFools wondering if boomers don’t eat enough and are “starving” themselves, and by extension pushing their expectations unfairly onto others.Many users quickly take issue with OOP’s premise. The discussion quickly devolves into multiple slapfights, insults over weight, and the war in Gaza.
The Drama:
Does metabolism change as people age?People commenting it’s cause they’re older and don’t need to eat as much. Yes, I know that could be a part of it, but let’s be honest, it’s mostly them just being judgy/brainwashed by diet culture/think it’s absurd to spend money on eating out…[Continued:]
"Brainwashed by diet culture" ah so in other words you are obese and need to eat a lot and probably deeply into healthy at any size/fat acceptance.
No they just know they don't need 5000 calori3s a day to exist.
I’m obese for wanting to eat some lunch and dinner? 🤯
No I say that because of "brainwashed by diet culture" there's exactly one group that talks like that.
You must not get out much
I do actually it's how I maintain not being fat. Limiting calories to under 2500 and being outside moving a lot.[Continued:]
I lost 140 pounds by eating more. 🤷 starving myself led to weight gain.
I'm sure you eat more but less calories in total. No one increases their calories and losses sorry.
You're wrong. Instunted my metabolism and my body was holding on to the weight to protect me.
I was eating skinless baked chicken and plain broccoli for 2 years and could not lose weight. I was sick and exhausted but worked out all the time.
Started eating carbs and the weight came melting off.
Sorry :)
For sure. Thats why all the body builders are morbidly obese. They eat chicken and broccoli and their body just goes into starvation mode and holds all the fat. Same with like the concentration camps. All those poor morbidly obese starving people. Once we saved them and fed them the weight just shed off. It's the craziest thing.[…]
It's almost like bodies are different, user name doesn't check out, a nerd would know that 🤔
Whatever you need to tell yourself.
i guess the law of thermodymanics doesnt apply to you.[…]
You should get studied. Defying the laws of thermodynamics is pretty impressive!
Tell me you see someone fat in the store and cringe inside/judge them for no reason without ever speaking to them without telling me 😂[Continued:]
You dislike/hate fat people for the horrid crime of being fat when they don't think about you at all and haven't ever wronged you in any way at all.
Also, I can tell you have never struggled with your weight in the past due to not giving a shit how hating random people for looking a certain way effects them. That, or you did struggle once, and bought into the haters telling you you were worth less based on the number on the scale, in which case I am sorry you believe that.
Dude I was 350lbs at my heaviest. People love saying "oh he says weightloss is eat less move more? Clearly he wants to genocide fat people" but no that's not it at all. I lost tons and most of the people around me went from morbid obesity to overweight or a normal weight. We changed our lifestyles and got in shape. The people that didn't lose weight claim all kinds of medical issues but none of them changed their diet and not of them want to work out. It's pretty clear how to lose weight. That's all.
No more no less no hate.
Wanna know how I know you're a liar or incredibly ignorant of how you come off?
You say you don't dislike them but make fun of their physical disabilities like it's funny. It's not funny. You're making fun of them. It's not funny to make fun of people for having disabilities or for how they look. You perpetuate hate against them that makes them feel like crap for being alive. I don't care about your spiel about medical issues or dieting in general or the fat acceptance movement. When you make fun of disabled people who have trouble walking i'm going to call you out on it. That's exactly what you did. Whether they're fat or not I refuse to make fun of people for that.
I have never made fun of a single person. Only a movement that claims you can be healthy at any size. You can't be vastly under or over weight and be healthy.
Whatever you say buddy. Keep on making fun of people because they can't walk or cope some more that it wasn't directed at a specific person. Have fun with that.
Shut the fuck up fattyInsults are made, ending with accusations of sockpuppeting:
I don't think you realize how pathetic you sound. When my jaw was broken I went 6 weeks without solid food and I'm sitting here rolling my eyes at your propensity for letting your stomach color your opinions of other people. I'd bet dollars to dimes that your body mass index is over 30.[Continued:]
Hey.
You should know:
It costs $0 to not be a dick.
I'll pay that cover charge any day of the week. Especially when I'm dealing with a major league dipshit like [Candy_cane999]Wow, you’re disgusting. It’s not that deep
Radagast was brown, nerd.
Says the person here gossiping about their relative's metabolism. "Not that deep" lol you made a judgment about an entire generation of people because your family member wasn't hungry..lol fuck off
I bet you are high as a kite right now from all the users here agreeing with you, even if they haven't a fucking clue what they are talking about.
Seriously, though, how fat are you? I'm guessing fat enough that you can't hide that stomach roll when you sit down.
High as a kite? Huh? Relax weirdo, it’s just Reddit
You still haven't told us how fat you are.Damn this guy hates fat people !
I used to be one.
So now you just hate fat people for fun?[…]
People with no self control, ESPECIALLY when that self control would benefit their health, are people who are functionally useless as human beings. They are the pieces of shit who would hoard food while everyone else is starving.
It ain't for fun.
Do you comment on Reddit to be an annoying middle child?
Ahhh yes. The fat people are useless excuse. Okay bud have fun out there!
It seems you have to self control over your feelings little guy. Go out there and practice some self control!
Bitter, party of one.
Get a life, chill[Continued:]
😂sounds like you’re projecting. What’s it like still living in your boomer mom’s basement?Get a life, chillAh yes, the mating call of people who "have lives"...ohhhhhh the irony.
lol "projecting", I see you have your masters in Reddit psychology.
What’s it like still living in your boomer mom’s basement?Oooooof, sounds like someone is...................................................................................projecting.
You do realize calling someone fat is the easiest most insecure insult to throw out there. Classic textbook. Hypocrite
I used to be fat as fuck, 270lbs at 5'10. I'll judge you fatties all I damn well please.
You keep avoiding answering the question. You're a landwhale, aren't you?
Ahha! There it is. It’s because you hate yourself. Hope you’re in therapy
The more you avoid this the more we know what kind of person we are dealing with.[…]
You talk shit about people who have self control to excuse how fat and disgusting you are.
Dude why admit that, all you are showing is that you had become really fat, and rather than learn a healthy relationship with food even at that extreme point, you just chose to hate food in general. You took the easy way out because nobody ever taught you portion control. Your loss I guess.[…]
I admit it because I was raised in a home where I couldn't get up until my plate was clean and my mother made sure there were never leftovers that way. I admit it because it is the truth and I don't lie or omit details to make myself sound better. I admit it to show I can relate to being a fatfuck. I admit it because being fat is a choice.
”why would you say something true about yourself!?" - if that isn't Reddit-in-a-nutshell I don't know what is.
I'm just saying it makes you look like you just hated yourself and were pushing that onto another person that may or may not have a healthier relationship with food than you, that's all.
They didn't answer did they?Then, there’s this:
After several attempts they've avoided even talking about their fat stores and are now trying the victim angle.
No doubt. Fatty McFat Fat can't comprehend people not being addicted to constant feedings.
Reddit in a nutshell.
Bro's talking to himself on an alt
OP is a fat fuckOne user thinks they’re speaking uncomfortable truths:
As a former fatass this was my immediate thought
I knew as soon as he said road trip to FloridaFor wanting lunch and dinner? You’re sick
They’re someone whos whole identity is shoving food in their mouth. Look at their username
Eat shit.
If StandardSafe isn’t willing to say it again, I will: grow up and get over it. 99% of the people who say they “aren’t heavy” actually are, your dad was probably just being a concerned parent. “unhealthy relationship with food”, LMAO. A first-world problem for sureFinally, the war in Gaza is brought up for some reason:
No, he was just a bully and abusive. But thanks for playing.
That’s a really weird thing to say to a stranger, dude
You ok bro? Did that make you feel good about yourself? To insult a stranger because you personally didn’t have to deal with abuse? Or let me guess, you did, but it made you a “strong man” who knows what’s best for everyone.
You don’t know me. You have no idea what my childhood and young adulthood was like and maybe it sounds like a “first world problem” (which by the way, is so fucking dismissive and gross to say to people when they an issue) to you, but for me it became an eating disorder that I still struggle with in my 40s.
I’m going to try to say this as politely as I can, please fuck off into the sun with your bullshit and go troll somewhere else. You’re an asshole who seems to get off on insulting people to get your pathetic dick hard. I hope you don’t have kids because I worry if you do how fucked up they are and if you’re married I feel terrible for your wife. But let’s be honest, you’re a sad, lonely, angry man who has nothing better to do.
Dumbass takes like this are part of the reason people develop eating disorders on both ends of the spectrum.
You're gonna tell me someone who is suffering from Anorexia/Bulimia just needs to "grow up and get over it"?
You need to grow up and take a biology class.
When did the commenter say she had anorexia/bulimia? Those are actual eating disorders…she just said she eats very little and blames her dad.
A biology class, really? Psychology sounds more like it. Or are you telling me you learned about eating disorders in a bio class? Where was that, at some sort of school that gives out certificates in self-actualization or holistic-healing?
Sorry -- from what school did you get a psychology degree that allows you to label Anoerixa/Bulimia as "actual" eating disorders but not what OP described?
The school of hard knocks 😂 he’s so superior to us that he can diagnose a stranger through the internet on Reddit based on a paragraph that seemed to make him bigly angry.
He’s just a sad man who needs to get off by insulting people. He can go live that life and we’ll be over on this said being human to each other.
You know that on the other side of the apartheid wall Israel set up there are thousands of people who had access to the Dead Sea (and their homes), that was changed by the establishment of Israel. Millions of people around the world are coming to the decision to boycott any company that supports the Israeli Apartheid Occupation. Millions are urging their universities and employers to divest any money and programs with the genocidal force that is Israel. I urge you and your family to take a hard look at yourselves and learn what Israel really is made of. Then the logical decision will be to never visit or spend a dime in Israel until their genocide and apartheid ends. Ty
Take a walk off a short pier.
This response is unhinged.
“Learn about an ongoing genocide, with bombs falling through the air as we speak, that you knowingly or unknowingly support, that we can do something about”
“Your response”
Please just look someone in the eyes today and remember what it means to be a human. Each of us is a library of life, and we’re constantly diminishing the value of each other as “enemies”.
I’d rather that than share air with someone who supports the ongoing genocide. Not for me, not for you, but for the kids and our collective humanity: please learn something new today.
You’re supporting the death of my family in Israel. Seriously, you’re a PoS
Before Israel was, there was Palestine. Palestine was for all. Muslims, Christians, and Jewish families all lived together. We all visited Jerusalem.
When Israel decided that only Jewish people would now be allowed in to these random borders drawn over Palestine, well, that should come off as racist. Now the Christian and Muslim Palestinians had their villages raided and their women raped by a well funded militia, before it became the IDF. This terrorised the Palestinians that lived in their homes, so they ran.
Then these homes were empty.
The land without people for the People without a land. Fabulous. Absolutely fabulous. The people that were born there were displaced by a terrorist militia, and now it was a land magically without a people.
And your family came in, and settled in “Israel”. A family out there has the keys to the very home your family lives in in Israel, although you’ve probably changed the locks by now.
But for generations this land fed them and protected them from the elements. All of a sudden it’s yours?
And the people Israel oppresses, the thousands of Palestinians that are in prison with no trial. Children and women Palestinians have been taken captive for over 70 years!! Where’s the outrage?
Are we not human?
When we say free Palestine from the river to the sea. It’s for everybody. Come by and buy my home. But please don’t show up with an armed force ready to exterminate me for refusing you the home my forefathers have called their own.
TLDR Israel is the fire nation in avatar the last airbender.
The best way I can put it is.. if a bunch of armed chickens showed up and kicked you and your family out of their homes, one day you might want to fight those armed chickens back instead of being homeless. Israel are the armed chickens
The Flairs:
2024.05.16 07:39 NotMacgyver 5 Psykers walk into the warp (perils testing)
I took 5 psykers to maxed veil degradation areas to test out how bad perils are. I took one psyker of each style with the following features:
mercs, all iconoclast, imperial, no gear (except staff), all warriors, arch militant, level 48, with wildfire and their builds consisted of mostly their psyker talents and abilities.
First a preamble: Perils and phenomenons differ as follows. Phenomenons are small text and a momentum change, positive, negative, or neutral though the game says they are suppose to be bad so...
Perils is when shit happens. Can only be triggered by major powers and only at 15 or above veil degradation. Game contradicts itself a bit on if this next formula is for perils or not but here it is
(10+psy rating+ veil degradation)% with a +10% for unsanctioned psykers.
So first a list of major powers that can trigger perils (minor power in brackets for those who want to know what you can use in high veil areas safely):
out of 150+..... out of 197 (fuck you sanctic psyker not rolling rebound) perils we got:
Hopefully this helps people play psyker in max veil degradation areas. Also Sanctic psykers are a menace to society (cause of the talent that increases psy rating mostly), some powers are comically bugged (in a good way) and Sanctics refuse to roll rebound.
PS: this really should be in the game logs and "Corpus Valancius"
Also mind rupture + AM heroic gives 6 free uses of it, the ability has infinite range (though not line of sight) but it's funny to see.
Hammer of the emperor buffs untamed power so you get your face exploded
And Agility is a great stat for Psykers to avoid falling on their ass
submitted by NotMacgyver to RogueTraderCRPG [link] [comments]
mercs, all iconoclast, imperial, no gear (except staff), all warriors, arch militant, level 48, with wildfire and their builds consisted of mostly their psyker talents and abilities.
First a preamble: Perils and phenomenons differ as follows. Phenomenons are small text and a momentum change, positive, negative, or neutral though the game says they are suppose to be bad so...
Perils is when shit happens. Can only be triggered by major powers and only at 15 or above veil degradation. Game contradicts itself a bit on if this next formula is for perils or not but here it is
(10+psy rating+ veil degradation)% with a +10% for unsanctioned psykers.
So first a list of major powers that can trigger perils (minor power in brackets for those who want to know what you can use in high veil areas safely):
- Most staffs are major (telepath staff is minor, didn't test diviner staff)
- Sanctic - Hammer of the emperor / Sword of faith / Purge soul / Light of the emperor (word and shield of the emperor, sword of faith's first and second attack, 3rd and 4th don't affect veil)
- Telepath - Mind Rupture / Psychic Assault (Psychic Shriek, dominate, sensory deprivation and mind bond)
- Bio - Invigorate / Warp Speed / Metabolic Overcharge (Enfeeble, Iron arm, Regeneration)
- Diviner - Perfect timing / Foreboding / Prophetic intervention (prescience, forewarning, precognition)
- Pyro - Incinerate / Molten beam (Ignite, Inflame, Firestorm, Orchestrated flames)
out of 150+..... out of 197 (fuck you sanctic psyker not rolling rebound) perils we got:
| Peril | Descriptions | Frequency |
|---|---|---|
| Unnamed (only "Perils of the warp:" appears so it doesn't have a specific name) | Instant death and summons a daemon. Likely the "daemonic attention" peril but when the daemon fails the save but I'll register them separately | 4/197 (2%) |
| Daemonic Attention | Spawns a daemon and forces a willpower save on the daemon (49 save), never seen the daemon fail so I assume the unnamed one is the fail | 15/197 (8%) |
| Earth Protests | psy rating direct damage and prone but doesn't affect psyker | 28/197 (14%) |
| Reality Quake | AoE 11+psy rating direct damage | 8/197 (4%) |
| Rebound | psy rating damage back to caster | 19/197 (10%) |
| Untamed Power | chain lightning, always targets self first then jumps 3 times, psy rating x 2 damage, benefits from a lot of modifiers...including hammer of the emperor. | 28/197 (14%) |
| Warp Blast | AoE fire with (1+PS/2) direct damage with knock back (KB does damage as well) if not against something, and prone (agility save), doesn't hit the psyker | 37/197 (19%) |
| Warp Tremor | Psy rating direct damage and aoe prone (agility test) | 33/197 (17%) |
| Whiplash | damage to others in the area and push + prone (agility save for prone) | 25/197 (13%) |
PS: this really should be in the game logs and "Corpus Valancius"
Also mind rupture + AM heroic gives 6 free uses of it, the ability has infinite range (though not line of sight) but it's funny to see.
Hammer of the emperor buffs untamed power so you get your face exploded
And Agility is a great stat for Psykers to avoid falling on their ass
2024.05.14 22:35 Affectionate_Exit369 A friendly advice
I have spent a decent amount of time on various dating apps and have been on many dates over the years. I don’t use them anymore for various reasons but couple of advices here in case someone finds them useful.
A dating app not being able to offer you a date doesn’t say much about you, you viscerally need to start believing that. These platforms are theoretically designed to maximise the number of matches which can keep the platform’s business model up and running.
If you are someone who doesn’t get a lot of matches, trust me, the day you get 50 matches, you won’t know what to do with them. You won’t be able to have one real conversation with an individual and just fidget over all that information overload. Women go through this all the time! She doesn’t know what great things you have going on in your life or how funny you are by looking at your pictures, however great they are, since the 10 guys on your left and on your right will also have some nice pictures.
To get laid or to get a date you need to focus on Activation and Conversion. By activation I mean, maximise the number of matches and by conversion I mean, converting those matches into dates. Conversion is easy: reply fast, be interested, swear not to flirt or talk about sex until you guys meet in person and you know she is very much into you, be or pretend to be confident, and have fun on your first date like you would with your college friend. Never ask her for anything! Not her name, age, how was her day or if she is interested in going out. Just swear to not ask for anything. Just be super interested in them and talk about any random shit you care about. If you guys hit it off, she will tell you her name, address, insta handle, and her bra size. Activation is slightly difficult but try to be very sincere in your bio, experiment with puns, poems, show your artsy side, your dancing skills, avoid group photos and use videos if you can. Here you have to make sure you give out a confident vibe with subtle hints of you having a life. Your photos, your choice of words, your music choices, your dressing sense will all optimize this.
Finally, be more empathetic towards women, try to see them for what they are, standard human beings. Its not a fucking movie and no woman is looking for a kabir singh, they want a normal guy because/if they are normal.
Regardless, dating platforms are taking away the self-respect from men by making them beg, and the personality from women by ensuring they don’t need it.
Bonus tip: Delete your accounts, wait for the next time you are super happy, feeling funny/confident naturally and setup an account then. A likeable you in real life will reflect somehow on your profile too!
Stay proud, happy dating! :)
submitted by Affectionate_Exit369 to IndianBoysOnTinder [link] [comments]
A dating app not being able to offer you a date doesn’t say much about you, you viscerally need to start believing that. These platforms are theoretically designed to maximise the number of matches which can keep the platform’s business model up and running.
If you are someone who doesn’t get a lot of matches, trust me, the day you get 50 matches, you won’t know what to do with them. You won’t be able to have one real conversation with an individual and just fidget over all that information overload. Women go through this all the time! She doesn’t know what great things you have going on in your life or how funny you are by looking at your pictures, however great they are, since the 10 guys on your left and on your right will also have some nice pictures.
To get laid or to get a date you need to focus on Activation and Conversion. By activation I mean, maximise the number of matches and by conversion I mean, converting those matches into dates. Conversion is easy: reply fast, be interested, swear not to flirt or talk about sex until you guys meet in person and you know she is very much into you, be or pretend to be confident, and have fun on your first date like you would with your college friend. Never ask her for anything! Not her name, age, how was her day or if she is interested in going out. Just swear to not ask for anything. Just be super interested in them and talk about any random shit you care about. If you guys hit it off, she will tell you her name, address, insta handle, and her bra size. Activation is slightly difficult but try to be very sincere in your bio, experiment with puns, poems, show your artsy side, your dancing skills, avoid group photos and use videos if you can. Here you have to make sure you give out a confident vibe with subtle hints of you having a life. Your photos, your choice of words, your music choices, your dressing sense will all optimize this.
Finally, be more empathetic towards women, try to see them for what they are, standard human beings. Its not a fucking movie and no woman is looking for a kabir singh, they want a normal guy because/if they are normal.
Regardless, dating platforms are taking away the self-respect from men by making them beg, and the personality from women by ensuring they don’t need it.
Bonus tip: Delete your accounts, wait for the next time you are super happy, feeling funny/confident naturally and setup an account then. A likeable you in real life will reflect somehow on your profile too!
Stay proud, happy dating! :)
2024.05.14 05:44 courtingdisaster Presenting the evidence: 17 May 2024
 | Come one, come all, we're clooowning again! 🤡 submitted by courtingdisaster to GaylorSwift [link] [comments] Thanks to u/1DMod for posting the Jimmy Fallon video that led to me to start to connect the dots that other creators have noticed. Long story short, we're clowning for Stockholm N1 (maybe even night ✌️ as well), buckle up clowns! ✌️First things first, May 17 is ✌️ fortnights after the release of TTPD on April 19. We know that Taylor is still throwing up peace signs which seems unnecessary if it only ever meant that there was a second part of TTPD. I think it's an indication that we haven't completely cracked that egg yet.This photo was necessary for the post, ok National/International Day OfWhile these days aren't necessarily solid proof of anything, Taylor did release TTPD on Poetry & The Creative Mind Day and also released the ME! music video (ME! Out now!) on Lesbian Visibility Day so I think it's definitely worth investigating.After publishing this post I was reading through the comments in this thread about easter eggs and was reminded by u/-periwinkle that some people predicted the Toe breakup date based on something Taylor mentioned in her NYU speech ("Part of growing up and moving into new chapters of your life is about catch and release"). 11 months later, the Toe breakup news came out on, you guessed it, National Catch and Release Day. More on the NYU speech later. First, let's have a look at the holidays for May 17 that could be relevant:
https://preview.redd.it/4ikx6teucd0d1.jpg?width=443&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=6aec634e52a1083cccbcaefcb78227f2fe8db793
https://preview.redd.it/97pt3mzrdi0d1.jpg?width=529&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=2c30a7fb9079ba73680babe83b44f756a48c0c9f
Direct 17/5 easter eggs
Important days in historyThese could be nothing, could be something, still worth noting:
Important events in the TSCU on this day
Stockholm
https://preview.redd.it/a28zn1akid0d1.jpg?width=1237&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=e2b4751ac3530892d8a17d3c5ca1bbea8a1f5ee9
New RomanticsKristen, who I have referenced in nearly every part in this post (again, she's amazing, go follow her), has a mass coming-out theory that she has dubbed the New Romantics. I highly recommend checking out her content on Twitter and TikTok and she's also recently launched a podcast that you can read more about here for more information on this theory. Essentially the theory is that a large number of artists in the entertainment industry are queer and are working together as a "safety in numbers" type approach to coming out of the closet and potentially changing the industry in a monumental way.Let's have a look at some players that are relevant to either May 17 or Stockholm (or both in one person's case!):
Theories as to what exactly is coming
In SummationSomething is happening in Stockholm. I don't know why exactly but it is THE ONE to watch.I think it would be interesting to revisit the NYU speech, Karma music video, Stephen King, photos from the Uno parties and the Lover era in general for further hints as to what's coming. I think the key is going to be working together due to a comment that Questlove (yes, the one who throws the Uno parties) left on one of Kristen's videos. Here's a link to the video, the top comment is his. Regardless, I'll be there talking smack in the megathread on Friday and keeping an eye out for any new "Chiefs" colours. See you there, clowns! Who's clowning with me?! 🤡🤡🤡 Edit: I'll be making some additions to this post as people have been making incredible connections already, thank you! These will be noted as a new bulletpoint to try and keep it transparent as to what has been added. As I'm researching I'm also making new connections of my own that I will also add as separate bulletpoints. |
2024.05.14 01:26 JohannGoethe Nah, don't flatter yourself. You aren't known in Russia
 | Abstract submitted by JohannGoethe to LibbThims [link] [comments] (add) Overview Comment from here: Nah, don't flatter yourself. You aren't known in Russia.See the following:
Anyway, it is not “myself”, e.g. you will see that my legal name is reverse anagram for Bill Smith, aka “American John Doe”, which means “anonymous”, that I am concerned about, rather, I thought or envisioned that people in Russia were debating the HumanMolecule or HumanChemistry views possibly form some manuscript I written or given to Georgi Gladyshev? The following script dialogue, written by Andrew Walker, key terms bolded, exemplifies the situation well:
This “who I am means nothing” resonates with me well.
This is the key section. The “work” that is being done is exceptional, not me. “When a force moves a body through a unit distance, work is done” (Clausius, On the Mechanical Theory of Heat (pg. 1), 76A (1879) English translation by Water Browne). To understand this, which I‘m sure you won’t, you have to understand that the force that moves us to do or perform work, comes from “behind us”, the same way it does for chemicals in a heated ☀️ chemistry 🧪 beaker. All of this was explained in JohannGoethe’s novel ElectiveAffinities.
This one resonates also well with me. I’m sure that if you were speaking freely, you would tell me the same thing, such as: “no one gives a shit about your human molecule, human chemistry, or HumanChemThermo theories in Russia!”
I‘m sure you will like to call me a freak too? But as to “you can’t see the whole complete act yet”, this is the situation with the typical person. That most people, aside from a great minds like HenryAdams, cannot “see” 👀 the complete act yet, is evidenced by the fact that there is one member of the ElectiveAffinities sub, launched: 3 May A69 (2024).Visual of the future view of things: https://preview.redd.it/3z51ka522a0d1.jpg?width=1801&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=d483caae040ca5964501117818122765821a18d1 Nietzsche Human, All Too Human
“All that we need and that could possibly be given us in the present state of development of the sciences, is a chemistry of the ‘moral’, ‘religious’, ‘aesthetic’ conceptions and ‘feeling’, as well as of those ‘emotions’ which we experience in the affairs, great and small, of society and civilization, and which we are sensible of even in solitude.”The day that people of the future, teach, as standard required learning, the following subjects:
The year this occurs will be when Goethe’s OTT cipher (or Otto cipher) becomes accepted common knowledge. Horus years? I will but note, however, that we still are dating our calendar years to the birth of Horus (aka Jesus), the solar 🌞 falcon god, who dates back more than 5,000 years, to attested to via the 5700A (-3745) solar Milky Way cow yoke HeiroType: ∩ = 10 (I). https://preview.redd.it/8e5vvls73a0d1.jpg?width=2013&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=787023e0c9bd8c2034d397d0181ee7e051f265df Thus, who knows, maybe in 5,000 years from now, if we remain in the “dark ages”, St. Ottilia “blind ages” as Goethe says we are now presently in, we will still be dating our calendar years to this same solar falcon god? |
2024.05.13 22:37 february-air Narcissistic SIL Tearing Family Apart
Hi all! I'm not an active poster, but an avid reader here. I'm truly at a loss when it comes to my narcisisstic sister-law, and seeking some advice or guidance on how to move forward.
There is a lot of back story here but I've been with my fiance for 10+ years, getting married later this year. My fiance's brother has been married to his wife for a few years now. They have 2 bio children together, and she has 1 from a previous relationship. Her oldest was accepted into the family with open arms, and my in-laws have shown up for him as grandparents since they first met him years ago. My future SIL is a bit older than my BIL and has always been vocally insecure about this (among many things), despite nobody in the family being bothered by it. She's an incredibly insecure person (as narcs typically are) and has always been very vocal about this, but it initially seemed harmless and that she just had self-depricating humor. Her and I formed a "friendship" when my fiance and I first moved to the area, and she seemed funny, kind, and easy to talk to. Things began to take a turn when all she wanted to discuss with me was how "awful" our MIL is, and just generally complaining about other family members constantly. My fiance and I encouraged her to try to address her issues with MIL and others, and tried to be supportive of them and their kids. It eventually got to the point when I realized that this is not just an insecure person that doesn't know her place in the family yet; her true colors began to show and I decided to take a step back and stop reaching out, making any sort of effort to hang out, etc. Since then, things have gone downhill severely with no end in sight. Her and my future BIL live in "crisis mode", as we call it, and there's always some dire situation happening in their lives that requires the rest of the family to drop everything and help them. There's been mental health crises, rehoming their family pets, mysterious allergies popping up, threats of divorce, etc. to name a few. She uses her children as pawns to get what she wants, constantly lies, and is just overall an incredibly manipulative person. This has created major resentment within the family, particularly with our other BIL and SIL. My future in-laws constantly defend their chaotic behavior and try to keep the peace within the family, which ultimately has ended up creating more resentment and issues with everyone.
My fiance had the idea to try to get everyone to begin seeing a family counselor to try to assist with some of the conflict. Everyone began attending about 6 months ago, first as just couples and eventually adding his parents into the mix, etc. To make a long story short, it's been 6 months with little to no change. If anything, things have gotten worse and now N-SIL is essentially refusing to be in the same room as myself and my other SIL. Her and I have never had any issues that I'm aware of, aside from me just keeping my distance from her. Her and other SIL have had some confrontations, so I'm not sure if I'm just guilty by association because we are close friends? MIL has implied that myself and other SIL are to blame for the issues, and she thinks we need to put everything behind us and be the "bigger people". The counselor has discouraged me from reaching out to her directly to hash things out, saying that she "can't handle it" and it will be used against me later. I've asked her directly how to handle someone like this and she simply says to "create boundaries", which I believe I already have done with her.
It feels like my back is against the wall. I can't keep living my life this way with constant conflict and unspoken issues. I'm not a confrontational person by any means, but this feels like we're simply just prolonging the issue and creating more animosity the longer she refuses to see or speak with us. I'm fully prepared to be respectful and cordial with her in the future; we simply will never be friends, and I think I have every right to draw that line.
Has anyone experienced something similar and can offer some insight? Do I continue to attend counseling despite it lack of effectiveness? I'm at a loss!
submitted by february-air to NRelationships [link] [comments]
There is a lot of back story here but I've been with my fiance for 10+ years, getting married later this year. My fiance's brother has been married to his wife for a few years now. They have 2 bio children together, and she has 1 from a previous relationship. Her oldest was accepted into the family with open arms, and my in-laws have shown up for him as grandparents since they first met him years ago. My future SIL is a bit older than my BIL and has always been vocally insecure about this (among many things), despite nobody in the family being bothered by it. She's an incredibly insecure person (as narcs typically are) and has always been very vocal about this, but it initially seemed harmless and that she just had self-depricating humor. Her and I formed a "friendship" when my fiance and I first moved to the area, and she seemed funny, kind, and easy to talk to. Things began to take a turn when all she wanted to discuss with me was how "awful" our MIL is, and just generally complaining about other family members constantly. My fiance and I encouraged her to try to address her issues with MIL and others, and tried to be supportive of them and their kids. It eventually got to the point when I realized that this is not just an insecure person that doesn't know her place in the family yet; her true colors began to show and I decided to take a step back and stop reaching out, making any sort of effort to hang out, etc. Since then, things have gone downhill severely with no end in sight. Her and my future BIL live in "crisis mode", as we call it, and there's always some dire situation happening in their lives that requires the rest of the family to drop everything and help them. There's been mental health crises, rehoming their family pets, mysterious allergies popping up, threats of divorce, etc. to name a few. She uses her children as pawns to get what she wants, constantly lies, and is just overall an incredibly manipulative person. This has created major resentment within the family, particularly with our other BIL and SIL. My future in-laws constantly defend their chaotic behavior and try to keep the peace within the family, which ultimately has ended up creating more resentment and issues with everyone.
My fiance had the idea to try to get everyone to begin seeing a family counselor to try to assist with some of the conflict. Everyone began attending about 6 months ago, first as just couples and eventually adding his parents into the mix, etc. To make a long story short, it's been 6 months with little to no change. If anything, things have gotten worse and now N-SIL is essentially refusing to be in the same room as myself and my other SIL. Her and I have never had any issues that I'm aware of, aside from me just keeping my distance from her. Her and other SIL have had some confrontations, so I'm not sure if I'm just guilty by association because we are close friends? MIL has implied that myself and other SIL are to blame for the issues, and she thinks we need to put everything behind us and be the "bigger people". The counselor has discouraged me from reaching out to her directly to hash things out, saying that she "can't handle it" and it will be used against me later. I've asked her directly how to handle someone like this and she simply says to "create boundaries", which I believe I already have done with her.
It feels like my back is against the wall. I can't keep living my life this way with constant conflict and unspoken issues. I'm not a confrontational person by any means, but this feels like we're simply just prolonging the issue and creating more animosity the longer she refuses to see or speak with us. I'm fully prepared to be respectful and cordial with her in the future; we simply will never be friends, and I think I have every right to draw that line.
Has anyone experienced something similar and can offer some insight? Do I continue to attend counseling despite it lack of effectiveness? I'm at a loss!
2024.05.12 21:05 forthesect Trouble in turkey town review.
Trouble in turkey town is a free thanksgiving them familly friendly 5e adventure https://monsterfight5e.com/index.php/monster-fight-5e-presents-takedown-in-turkey-town/
An urban campaign mission designed for level 2-3 adventurers, trouble in turkey town is composed of an initial encounter (beware of headcrab like animated turkeys that turn people into turkey zombies),3 pathways to infiltrate a manor, and a mission to recover a cursed cornucopia within that mansion involving 2 gang factions, multiple groups of enemies including another designed encounter, and a final battle with giant turkey monster.
Other than hombrew monsters and an additional flashback mechanic allowing preparation to factor into the heist without actually taking time out to plan or roleplay that preparation before hand, it is run entirely on whatever 5e system you choose to use. Inspired by new jack city, the plot involves a gang leader producing thanksgiving meals from a fae gifted cornucopia that cause magical food comas, the manifestation of nightmare like food creatures, and possible were turkeys. He flees to his manor with the cornucopia after things go awry, wich the party must infiltrate to recover the cornucopia and undo its effect, encountering his traitorous right hand woman and a devious fae along the way.
All in all Trouble in Turkey town is a well polished, comedic, and self contained adventure likely playable in 2-3 sessions or longer if you stretch it a bit. It has few flaws, but there are a couple missed opportunities or areas that can use more guidance or elaboration for the GM and there is a lot of optional content that doesn't provide additional opportunities and may even make the final battle more difficult.
For example, the flashback mechanic: "To get the players right into the action of the heist, this adventure includes a flashback mechanic... For example: If the players are infiltrating Nino's keep from the north side. They could flashback to persuade the local guard to set up an explosion on the south side as a distraction."
Allowing players to simply describe things their characters had done previously to aid in a heist on the fly is a great way to start an adventure in the thick of it while still keeping to the genre, and allows for easier roleplaying of competent infiltrators by allowing preparations to occur with aid of hind site, as players can take advantage of ideas that would occur to serious skilled characters in planning but might only occur to causal role-players in a moment of need.
That said, the benefit is not really well fitted to this module as the heist does not occur until after an inital encounter and there is a full planning phase between the initial encounter and the heists beginning. As well as the missed opportunity of the description of the mechanic not fitting this adventure that well, there is a lack of guidance on what ways a flashback might be used, with only one example being provided. As only a small portion of the adventure includes an actual infiltration, and preparation could be difficult beyond that point as characters cannot interact with the mansion until that infiltration, this lack of guidance is strongly felt. I can come up with at least one idea, once inside the mansion players learn that the personel all have uniforms, and thus can flashback to replicating these uniforms for themself based on a description from an informant, but more guidance would be nice as well as guidance on how to provide examples or explanation of the mechanic to players.
Another area guidance would be critical is the alarm. There are two points during the initial infiltration where guards can raise the alarm, the path where the alarm is less likely to be raised being more difficult in every other aspect, but there is nothing that indicates what this actually does or why it is a significant enough risk that the other more enemy dense infiltration option is comparable. Obviously as a gm I could come up with what the alarm does myself, but given that there are so many moving parts inside the mansion and so many active threats the gang is dealing with, its hard to know what they would actually do.
The rest of the review are a list of potential flaws (including ones involving the final battle and optional content) that might be difficult to understand without reading the adventure, and are mainly for the benefit of the creator of the text.
A motivation for Tea is taking down niko, later it says he has a personal grudge. That information should be in his bio not outside of it, and I would like specification on where that grudge originates.
"•People who eat from the cornucopia become cursed eventually transforming into a were-turkey"
There is no mention of the food monsters appearance here, which is perhaps the more critical factor.
"Keeping the method and place of discovery abstract lets the story flow no matter where your players take it."
I'm not sure it does, not specifying where clues would be as an adventure writer does, but for the gm I'm not sure the same benefit applies.
There are no guidelines for character creation or party size. It would be nice if there were potential ways for players to connect their backstories to the mission, and a good or neutral aligned party seems more or less necessary without going pretty off script.
It's a little odd that the eaters can be awakened with just one action once the encounter starts, but could not be aroused at all before.
Is proximity required to use the action to wake up a bystander or can a player just shout at them?
Whether the number of bystanders saved correlates to by standers awoken before becoming zombies or just bystanders that don't end up dead is not clear.
The reward for playing this encounter well is pretty slim, just one extra potion.
"There are two vaults in the keep. One crew vault and Nino's personal vault. The players have been told that the cornucopia is in the crew vault but it is in Nino's vault."
This is likely something Pookie tells the crew despite knowing better, but that is not really specified anywhere and it just says that pookie knows it is in Nino's without telling where the players are supposed to get the info that that is not the case.
"During their time in Teo's warehouse the characters can rest and plan the heist. This is a good time to introduce the flashback mechanic."
Since the flashback is unrelated to what the players actually plan/prepare, I'm not sure it is.
"Have the players come up with an initial point of entry and begin the heist."
Does it have to be one of the three options? Also is the wall entry point supposed to be along the northern wall? Whether the players know that immmedaitly or find out after looking at all the walls it doesn't matter, but if they try to climb another wall it might be problematic, as some of the walls only have descriptions of wants going on at the keep near the outer wall not that section of the outer wall itself.
In terms of choosing pookie or teo, if they figure out pookie is sus but can't convince teo, the most likely option is to pick neither, but I'm not sure if thats intended as an option.
Pookie has two pretty big downsides that would not be hard for the players to figure out which might be a bit much, but having a named character that might transform if things go bad adds stakes which is nice.
"a empty plate of food and two folders one labeled ̈Crew Vault" the other "Private Vault". A turkey zombie hides in the south east corner."
What’s in them?
The reward for saving Remy in the kitchen encounter is also pretty low considering the dumbwaiter is so easy to find.
The dumbwaiter makes noise, but how guards might react to that considering it's probably a normal occurrence is not stated. Might whether the alarm has been raised effect this?
"The keys need to be inserted into the locks at the same time or the vault an alarm will go off."
Another point where there is an alarm but no stated stakes.
"The vault is full with paintings, sculptures jewels and gold. On the southern wall is a wardrobe that has been boarded up. Pounding can be heard coming from it as if someone is trapped inside."
Earlier the wardrobe is stated to be being carried in the stair room, make sure to say it is only in the vault if the goons were allowed to carry it down the stairs uncontested.
"If there is a battle, Nino will engage for a round or two then attempt to escape to his vault using his hat and get the cornucopia. He suspects it is powerful enough to use to maintain his power."
And if he succeeds in this? What happens then. That is not explained here, and at the final battle section he is supposed to show up after the players if he is alive. Which does not make sense combined with this. How would the players even obtain his hat without knocking him out or killing him? It's possible I'm sure, but it seems like it would be pretty tough.
The players are supposed to be able to learn about Nosh from the kennel master, but what would they learn? As it requires visiting the kernel master, then going all the way down to the basement to meet Nosh or revisit him even after the new imformation is gained, it should be pretty good info.
Make sure this info can in theory result in a positive benefit after interacting with Nosh, not just avoiding negative effects ideally. Perahps an alternate route to defeating the turkey, effectively a different ending path after getting info on nosh in one area, then doubling back to interact with him. Additionally, Nosh has semi critical information, and the only way to bargain with him at present is either to become a warlock or help Niko, step costs. Maybe there is something that can give you leverage over him that the kennel master reveals (it would be funny if it's just a favorite food). Furthermore, why must Nosh be bargained with? The option to attack him or just keep him locked in the wardrobe if he does not help is never discussed.
Killing both Niko and Aurelia should have some benefit, likely an alternate path to defeating the turkey or breaking the curse without it, otherwise thats 3 successive cr 2 battles including the turkey, and they have to fight the turkey without mooks distracting it.
When having the battle, make the monsters and NPC almost like background pieces and only interacting with the players when it makes sense. This will make it easier to run since you wouldn't need to keep track of everyone's hp and turns. It also gives the players a fighting chance against overwhelming odds.
Having the npc be a bit background makes sense, not sure having the turkey and the monsters it spawned be in the background is a good idea though as they are the main obstacle. The giant turkey without the things it spawns having an effect just isn't that interesting an encounter.
What if the players just take the cornucopia, rather than destroying it or having a way to immediately place it in the fey wild. Especially if they don't immediately have the info on how to break the curse this is likely to happen.
"On a success, the host reverts to its original mastiff form, and losing 10 hp."
Clarify that the health total is kept despite transformation, it doesn't go to base hp then lose 10 hp I mean.
"the turkey is destroyed and it reverts to its host form with 1 hp."
The it/host form here needs to be clarified to refer to the dog.
There is little difference between bite and pounce, pounce should do more damage to reflect higher cr, move has a different name anyway.
"Engulf. The ooze moves up to its speed into a medium or smaller target's space and engulfs the target. The target must make a DC 12 Dexterity saving throw or take 4 (1d6 + 1) poison damage and is suffocating."
Should specify target is grappled or restrained or ooze stays attached to them as they move, and give guidance on when a player makes saving throws to break out after failing the first time and if that takes any option from the action economy.
"Any creature may use its action to make a DC 14 Strength (athletics) check to rip off the turkey. On a success, the host reverts to its original form, and losing 10 hp."
Definitely need to change wording on this, like the last instance but even worse as it involves temp hp. Having the pull of method do more damage but work quicker ain’t the end of the world though.
submitted by forthesect to myrpg [link] [comments]
An urban campaign mission designed for level 2-3 adventurers, trouble in turkey town is composed of an initial encounter (beware of headcrab like animated turkeys that turn people into turkey zombies),3 pathways to infiltrate a manor, and a mission to recover a cursed cornucopia within that mansion involving 2 gang factions, multiple groups of enemies including another designed encounter, and a final battle with giant turkey monster.
Other than hombrew monsters and an additional flashback mechanic allowing preparation to factor into the heist without actually taking time out to plan or roleplay that preparation before hand, it is run entirely on whatever 5e system you choose to use. Inspired by new jack city, the plot involves a gang leader producing thanksgiving meals from a fae gifted cornucopia that cause magical food comas, the manifestation of nightmare like food creatures, and possible were turkeys. He flees to his manor with the cornucopia after things go awry, wich the party must infiltrate to recover the cornucopia and undo its effect, encountering his traitorous right hand woman and a devious fae along the way.
All in all Trouble in Turkey town is a well polished, comedic, and self contained adventure likely playable in 2-3 sessions or longer if you stretch it a bit. It has few flaws, but there are a couple missed opportunities or areas that can use more guidance or elaboration for the GM and there is a lot of optional content that doesn't provide additional opportunities and may even make the final battle more difficult.
For example, the flashback mechanic: "To get the players right into the action of the heist, this adventure includes a flashback mechanic... For example: If the players are infiltrating Nino's keep from the north side. They could flashback to persuade the local guard to set up an explosion on the south side as a distraction."
Allowing players to simply describe things their characters had done previously to aid in a heist on the fly is a great way to start an adventure in the thick of it while still keeping to the genre, and allows for easier roleplaying of competent infiltrators by allowing preparations to occur with aid of hind site, as players can take advantage of ideas that would occur to serious skilled characters in planning but might only occur to causal role-players in a moment of need.
That said, the benefit is not really well fitted to this module as the heist does not occur until after an inital encounter and there is a full planning phase between the initial encounter and the heists beginning. As well as the missed opportunity of the description of the mechanic not fitting this adventure that well, there is a lack of guidance on what ways a flashback might be used, with only one example being provided. As only a small portion of the adventure includes an actual infiltration, and preparation could be difficult beyond that point as characters cannot interact with the mansion until that infiltration, this lack of guidance is strongly felt. I can come up with at least one idea, once inside the mansion players learn that the personel all have uniforms, and thus can flashback to replicating these uniforms for themself based on a description from an informant, but more guidance would be nice as well as guidance on how to provide examples or explanation of the mechanic to players.
Another area guidance would be critical is the alarm. There are two points during the initial infiltration where guards can raise the alarm, the path where the alarm is less likely to be raised being more difficult in every other aspect, but there is nothing that indicates what this actually does or why it is a significant enough risk that the other more enemy dense infiltration option is comparable. Obviously as a gm I could come up with what the alarm does myself, but given that there are so many moving parts inside the mansion and so many active threats the gang is dealing with, its hard to know what they would actually do.
The rest of the review are a list of potential flaws (including ones involving the final battle and optional content) that might be difficult to understand without reading the adventure, and are mainly for the benefit of the creator of the text.
A motivation for Tea is taking down niko, later it says he has a personal grudge. That information should be in his bio not outside of it, and I would like specification on where that grudge originates.
"•People who eat from the cornucopia become cursed eventually transforming into a were-turkey"
There is no mention of the food monsters appearance here, which is perhaps the more critical factor.
"Keeping the method and place of discovery abstract lets the story flow no matter where your players take it."
I'm not sure it does, not specifying where clues would be as an adventure writer does, but for the gm I'm not sure the same benefit applies.
There are no guidelines for character creation or party size. It would be nice if there were potential ways for players to connect their backstories to the mission, and a good or neutral aligned party seems more or less necessary without going pretty off script.
It's a little odd that the eaters can be awakened with just one action once the encounter starts, but could not be aroused at all before.
Is proximity required to use the action to wake up a bystander or can a player just shout at them?
Whether the number of bystanders saved correlates to by standers awoken before becoming zombies or just bystanders that don't end up dead is not clear.
The reward for playing this encounter well is pretty slim, just one extra potion.
"There are two vaults in the keep. One crew vault and Nino's personal vault. The players have been told that the cornucopia is in the crew vault but it is in Nino's vault."
This is likely something Pookie tells the crew despite knowing better, but that is not really specified anywhere and it just says that pookie knows it is in Nino's without telling where the players are supposed to get the info that that is not the case.
"During their time in Teo's warehouse the characters can rest and plan the heist. This is a good time to introduce the flashback mechanic."
Since the flashback is unrelated to what the players actually plan/prepare, I'm not sure it is.
"Have the players come up with an initial point of entry and begin the heist."
Does it have to be one of the three options? Also is the wall entry point supposed to be along the northern wall? Whether the players know that immmedaitly or find out after looking at all the walls it doesn't matter, but if they try to climb another wall it might be problematic, as some of the walls only have descriptions of wants going on at the keep near the outer wall not that section of the outer wall itself.
In terms of choosing pookie or teo, if they figure out pookie is sus but can't convince teo, the most likely option is to pick neither, but I'm not sure if thats intended as an option.
Pookie has two pretty big downsides that would not be hard for the players to figure out which might be a bit much, but having a named character that might transform if things go bad adds stakes which is nice.
"a empty plate of food and two folders one labeled ̈Crew Vault" the other "Private Vault". A turkey zombie hides in the south east corner."
What’s in them?
The reward for saving Remy in the kitchen encounter is also pretty low considering the dumbwaiter is so easy to find.
The dumbwaiter makes noise, but how guards might react to that considering it's probably a normal occurrence is not stated. Might whether the alarm has been raised effect this?
"The keys need to be inserted into the locks at the same time or the vault an alarm will go off."
Another point where there is an alarm but no stated stakes.
"The vault is full with paintings, sculptures jewels and gold. On the southern wall is a wardrobe that has been boarded up. Pounding can be heard coming from it as if someone is trapped inside."
Earlier the wardrobe is stated to be being carried in the stair room, make sure to say it is only in the vault if the goons were allowed to carry it down the stairs uncontested.
"If there is a battle, Nino will engage for a round or two then attempt to escape to his vault using his hat and get the cornucopia. He suspects it is powerful enough to use to maintain his power."
And if he succeeds in this? What happens then. That is not explained here, and at the final battle section he is supposed to show up after the players if he is alive. Which does not make sense combined with this. How would the players even obtain his hat without knocking him out or killing him? It's possible I'm sure, but it seems like it would be pretty tough.
The players are supposed to be able to learn about Nosh from the kennel master, but what would they learn? As it requires visiting the kernel master, then going all the way down to the basement to meet Nosh or revisit him even after the new imformation is gained, it should be pretty good info.
Make sure this info can in theory result in a positive benefit after interacting with Nosh, not just avoiding negative effects ideally. Perahps an alternate route to defeating the turkey, effectively a different ending path after getting info on nosh in one area, then doubling back to interact with him. Additionally, Nosh has semi critical information, and the only way to bargain with him at present is either to become a warlock or help Niko, step costs. Maybe there is something that can give you leverage over him that the kennel master reveals (it would be funny if it's just a favorite food). Furthermore, why must Nosh be bargained with? The option to attack him or just keep him locked in the wardrobe if he does not help is never discussed.
Killing both Niko and Aurelia should have some benefit, likely an alternate path to defeating the turkey or breaking the curse without it, otherwise thats 3 successive cr 2 battles including the turkey, and they have to fight the turkey without mooks distracting it.
When having the battle, make the monsters and NPC almost like background pieces and only interacting with the players when it makes sense. This will make it easier to run since you wouldn't need to keep track of everyone's hp and turns. It also gives the players a fighting chance against overwhelming odds.
Having the npc be a bit background makes sense, not sure having the turkey and the monsters it spawned be in the background is a good idea though as they are the main obstacle. The giant turkey without the things it spawns having an effect just isn't that interesting an encounter.
What if the players just take the cornucopia, rather than destroying it or having a way to immediately place it in the fey wild. Especially if they don't immediately have the info on how to break the curse this is likely to happen.
"On a success, the host reverts to its original mastiff form, and losing 10 hp."
Clarify that the health total is kept despite transformation, it doesn't go to base hp then lose 10 hp I mean.
"the turkey is destroyed and it reverts to its host form with 1 hp."
The it/host form here needs to be clarified to refer to the dog.
There is little difference between bite and pounce, pounce should do more damage to reflect higher cr, move has a different name anyway.
"Engulf. The ooze moves up to its speed into a medium or smaller target's space and engulfs the target. The target must make a DC 12 Dexterity saving throw or take 4 (1d6 + 1) poison damage and is suffocating."
Should specify target is grappled or restrained or ooze stays attached to them as they move, and give guidance on when a player makes saving throws to break out after failing the first time and if that takes any option from the action economy.
"Any creature may use its action to make a DC 14 Strength (athletics) check to rip off the turkey. On a success, the host reverts to its original form, and losing 10 hp."
Definitely need to change wording on this, like the last instance but even worse as it involves temp hp. Having the pull of method do more damage but work quicker ain’t the end of the world though.
2024.05.12 07:04 IJustCantSomeDays Am I the AH for just stopping contact with my sister?
TW also for self harm and I guess existential thoughts, depression.
So this culminated to a point for me last year during my birthday in the fall(won't specify, not sure if she uses reddit). I'll give a simple current event summary and then relay past events leading up(me is me, CS(31f): crap sister, LS(26) little sister, ES(36): eldest sister(only here sometimes, as she moved out shortly after her 18th, and then back and forth after tha), Mom(58): mom. SO(same age): ex-partner from junior year HS till age 24. I am trans male, but due to happening after most of these events, that doesn't really have any merit to this story, other than small details, like clothing)
I(28m) decided after not hearing anything on my birthday, and nothing before that since helping her get money for moving state after a divorce(an investing app offered her 1000 if so many people used her link to invest a free 5 dollar gift), to stop all contact and remove my sister from my social media accounts.
When we were kids, CS was the worst. Ever since I could remember, she showed a huge dislike for me. I don't haveamy good memories of her, and the ones I do, are followed, or closely accompanied by a bad memory. I don't have a lot of examples, since the good wasn't really that significant anyway(think, gifting me a stuffed animal when I was in the he hospital for abdominal pains at 8 or 9 years of age, then, after finding that it was a relatively minor issue that happened to cause a huge discomfort. I was told to drink plenty of water, and for my mom to give me a kids Tylenol if needed. She then snatched it back the next day and while I don't remember the exact words, made it clear that I only deserved it if I was really injured, and had wasted time). This was kind of a small(but very impactful) issue that still sticks with me today. I have to convince myself to go to he doctor to have certain issues checked. I recently only went because the numbness in my hands was getting worse, and I was told I had clear symptoms of carpal tunnel(I work in a kitchen, heavy lifting and fine hand movements are often). I also have a ganglean cyst, that has spawned a secondary cyst, in my left wrist, but that's another story.
She always put me down any time I did anything. Even looking at her the wrong way was infuriating to her(I didn't know what she was talking about until just a few years back, but I am diagnosed ADHD and suspected on the autism spectrum. I live on my own and have had a relatively independent life since I could physically and legally do so, just small aspects need extra attention). I'd ask her what she meant, and she'd yell at me. I wasn't rude either. CS:stop looking like that! Me trying to make my face more..plain?: like what? I'm sorry CS: stop it!, you know what you're doing! And you're doing it on purpose. Me: I'm sorry! I really don't know how I'm looking at you, I don't know what you want(I'm crying at this point) CS, getting up to hit me, like always: you KNOW what You're doing, Now stop it!
At that point, my mom had come in and yelled at my sister to calm down(I don't remember what all was said, I was maybe 6 or 7 and don't have the best time remembering the days with her) and that if she didn't like that way I looked, she could go.
Note about my mom, she had left my abusive father and moved several states when I was less than 4, my baby sister not even a year. He tried getting the legal system to bring her back, as the state they had lived in had always done. They told him that it didn't work that way, and they were legally separated. He was told to pay child support(guess how that went) and go to monitored visitation with us. That only happened a few times, and I only remember 2 of them. One visit, there was a person, I don't even recall the face, across the table, coloring and just doing art stuff. The second memory I have is us(me, CS, and LS. ES had a different dad who was not in the picture, and did not want to be. She stayed home). We played with toys in the waiting room for what seemed like forever, the sky was dark when we left. We never went to those meetings again(my dad apparently had told the caseworkers that if my mom wasn't required to meet with him as well, he wasn't interested in the he meetings). Since then, she has been a single mother, working as much as she could while still trying to balance raising us. I don't blame her for not being there, but I am a little disappointed that she never really admonished them, but merely, to this day, says that they may have been horrible then in the circumstances, but they still loved me.
Cue to elementary school, CS used to terrorize me, steal things I owned, destroyed things of mine. She was pretty stuck up and snobby to all of us, but it seemed to be targeted at me(her and ES did fight, instigation from both sides, and eventually made up some years later, but ES could and did fight back. When she could and was home. She worked too, and had a life later in high school, so that was understandable on her part, kind of) I, being younger, and, I guess, a little blind to some social and reactive cues at the time(I discovered I stare blankly while I listen to people. Facial reactions were too hard to focus on without losing attention to what was being said, if that makes sense). Any friends I had soon heard about the way she treated me, and the things she would accuse me of(not bathing, stealing, or just over embellishing embarrassing things about me to make people dislike me. Calling me fat, stupid, weird, etc). One of the only friends I had was a homeschooled girl. But I only got to see her on the weekends. Because my mom worked and ES had extracurriculars and later work(she is about 7.5 years older than me) we were watched by CS, and she didn't want to do the slightest bit of work doing so, which, flipped if it worked in or out of my favor often. Sometimes she'd be non-caring, allowing us to go to a neighborhood friend, so she wouldn't have to watch us. After having to come get us a few times, that stopped. One of the more traumatic times was when she decided to rig our doorknob(so that instead of a lock you flipped, it was a push knob, you push the knob into the door, turn the knob, and release. It's a non key locking system. I'm not sure if they are normally sold that way or if something happened, but it was installed backwards, so that you could lock someone inside of the room. Can you guess what happened? I was locked inside of my own bedroom, no food, no water, not even a bathroom break, during almost the entire 9 hours(mom worked 8 and commute) on a Saturday. I can't remember if LS was in there with me, but it's possible she was young enough to not even know what was going on, if she was in there. She's about 2 years younger than me, and this was when I was around 6/7. I was absolutely terrified. I cried, I screamed, I banged on the door. I begged to be let out for at least the restroom, which she refused, likely because I'd try to run and hide(the smart thing, duh). So there I was, freaking out that I had been locked in a room and cut off from all necessities. I don't stop crying until my mom came home, who, upon hearing the screaming, tore into CS about how wrong it was and what if we needed the bathroom or water, or even food. I don't remember her response(I probably don't want to) but my mom just glared angrily at CS as she left downstairs to her room. Mom made sure I got water, food, and restroom. I didn't mess up my room, that itself also created issues that I'll lay out later.
There are so many(too many) horrific memories from that time. It was hard all the time. I was insulted, isolated from my other siblings, and eve. Physically hurt. I'm not sure if the physical pain was worse though. I tended to forgive people very easily, and constantly, even into my early adulthood, tried my best to make her think better of me. She would steal clothes from me(cut them up to "fit her better". I was chunky, more medical than anything else, so with alterations, yes, they'd fit her. Like they'd fit an escort. Yes it's mean, but she's literally cut the pant legs off of jeans so that it was literally a jean thong. I only realized how terrible that was later on my teen years when fashion set in more within your social groups. And when they eventually didn't fit her(hah) she'd just throw them out and say they were a waste and wouldn't look good on me anyway. My mom told CS at the thrift store that she had to find outfits for me before finding herself some, and she would often try to just grab the first thing(usually ugly and wrong size) she could and the try to shop for herself(she was greedy with money. If CS found out a gift or piece of clothing one of us got cost more, she'd throw a fit and destroy our things. My mom once bought herself a vintage star Trek the original series collection, and because she didn't spend her tax return on CDs for CS, CS scratched up a bunch of the discs. My mom never even got to watch them before that. Some still played, but it felt like a loss). Mom didn't like that and said she had to help me find suitable clothes I liked. CS didn't like it, but obliged.
One of the larger things she did, when a 12/13 year old(I was 10) is she broke into an abandoned foreclosed house with a grown man, and stayed there for several days, or maybe a week or 2 . She ran from home often, blaming our mom for her issues was the norm for her. Everything was moms fault. Might've been her fault, though, was what happened next. My mom didn't want to call the cops on my sister, but knew confronting her alone and with an unknown man would be dangerous. So, probably against her better judgement, she handed me the phone(she worked at a cellular call center, in the early stages(2000's) of cell phones. She got them from the company for free, periodically). I called 911, per our mom's wishes. Explained my sister had broken into a house with a man and had been staying there. Once they heard that she was a minor, they didn't take long to get there. We sat up the road, in the car, watching it happen. Mom cried the entire time, but would not move from that spot until she saw that the cops had successfully taken her into custody. I just stared while it happened.
I know I shouldn't have had to make that call, but, due to being left alone all the time to my own devices, I had become quiet and usually kept my words and feelings to myself, and therefore seemed the most "emotionally stable" to handle it. Being put into that kind of spot was already happening with other issues, but they aren't relevant.
Over the years, more things happened that made me just want to be alone. LS even stopped being a target and was the precious baby sister (no issue with that in itself, but CS further alienated me from LS and I would once again be left alone. Being told I wasnt worth the time and that no one likes me, and if they did, it was because they pitied me, was an often occurance. My mom tried to stop it where she could but she had been met by the wrath of my sister(and before that, my father) for so long, she didn't want my sister to cause an issue that got us taken away from her. (We had been taken for some months due to some CPS workers believing my fathers lies about her being unstable and immoral. Given back due to no evidence, but with a struggle.) She didn't want to risk that again, so instead tried to keep the peace where she could. She had no family help, and was raising us all by herself. CS got physical, with even my mom, and it scared her. Out house was broken into numerous times by her ex boyfriends, ex friends, and people from..."groups" she used to hang out with. ES was also to the point of just not talking to CS or coming around that much anymore(after she moved out at 17. She also couldn't stand to be around CS)
An emergency later on with ES got her and CS bonding and acting like siblings that had a spat, and around that time is when LS was starting to get CS's attention. (I don't blame LS at all. It's not really her fault we never got to bond like siblings and even now don't know how to talk to one another freely). I still received the brunt of CS's wrath. She'd be nice, like offering some soda she bought, or some snacks, and then be a total b itch, sometimes going off and accusing me of stealing something.
CS: my chapstick is missing! Where is it? Me(roughly 8/9): why would I know? CS: don't talk back to me, I KNOW you stole it. now, where is it. Me, mumbling because I know what's going to happen:I don't know... CS: WHAT Me, wanting her to leave me alone: I DONT KNOW. CS: shut up, yes you do, I know you took it, now where is it??
At this point, I am crying and she has already hit me in he head and face a few times. After my refusing to answer, she just screamed and left me there, confused and wondering if I did take it.
She found it later. Never said a word or offered apology. This was a regular accurance all the way up until she moved out for the first time at 14. I learned to not use the phrase " I don't know" as often as I could because to her, it meant I wanted to hide something, because I obviously should know, and was choosing not to tell her and lie. It still happened, and yes, I got beat for it. We even moved school districts when I was 11(not related to the incidents) and I didn't want to make friends because I hated that they would eventually know her. It was rough to say the least.
A few years later, after CS moving in and out of home with boyfriend after boyfriend after boyfriend, starting at 14, I only had to deal with her while she was home, either between moving stints, or whenever she wanted to drop by and take things, like food or stuff she left with us. Sometimes she just took things. Mom was happy to see her come at all, so we dealt with it. While I heavily disliked the way she had treated me until then, I still wanted her to like me. So when she was home, I tried. When she lived with us for a few months at the age of 16/17, ES, now in her early 20s, living on her own, bought me and LS a laptop. It wasn't the best, but it was a laptop. Well, as you can guess, CS wanted to be able to use it too. Mom said we should because it was the nice thing to do and it would calm things down. So I made her a profile of her own. Not good enough. She wanted access to the main account, the one me and LS used. Now I wasnt into anything nefarious at the time, like p**n or anything, but I just don't want to give in to her being crazy and hovering. She looked for anything to yell at me for. She never once asked or yelled at LS for the password, even though LS knew it. It was my fault.
Next time I got the laptop back, the charger cord had some extra pieces stuck to it that I later found to be part of the internal charger port. She had literally ruined not only the charger, but the charging port in the laptop itself. Rendering it absolutely useless. Replacing that small part required the whole charger port to be replaced, and connections to be restored inside the laptop itself. So, it was a loss. No one seemed to ever be as mad as I was that this kept happening. Call me petty, but I held those memories as the deepest grudge, I still do. I kept pushing it down whenever she wanted to be nice to me, which in hindsight ended up being her needing something from me, sometimes even my company, because she couldn't keep authentic friends around. She got me stoned for the first time when I was 8 or 9 at one of her boyfriend's houses, and then gave me my first drink around the same age. Both with my mom not present. I was a child so when she told me not to tell in exchange for snacks and such, I obliged. I just wanted her to like me.
2 moments really stick out in the high school days before she left for several years to play wife to yet another guy. 1.The first was when we were actually hanging out in the kitchen of the family apartment, CS and ES were drinking and just catching up, while I was just by the kitchen drinking water. CS got pretty tipsy and, while walking into the kitchen, slipped and fell. She wasn't hurt or anything, it was just a small thing, and she ended up gigging and everyone laughed, like it was one of those fun family moments, y'know. Like in the shows. Well she looks and sees me laughing too, like literally everyone else. This is particular makes her mad and she gets right up and strides towards me. My mom yelled her name but before anything could happen, CS punched me right in the jaw. Only this time, I didn't fall, much less move more than an inch or 2. I already knew it was coming the moment she locked eyes with me. I stood my ground and just stared at her. I couldn't believe it. Even though I prepared for it, I still couldn't believe it. Everyone else has started laughing first. She had been gone for years. She herself thought it was funny. But seeing me, have fun at her expense, no matter how minuscule? No. Not happening. My mom asked her why she did it. She only looked at me, my face not even sad, just flat, like I felt nothing and hadn't been hit. But I didn't feel "nothing". I felt rage. Rage that, even at 14 and 15, even if others had joined, I was her target. She scoffed when family questioned her and stormed off. Nothing changed.
CS:I don't know why you have to blab so much, no one needs to know. Me: it's the truth. CS it doesn't matter. You don't even want to be here. If you're going to cut yourself, at least do it the right way.
I stopped talking and looked down after that. She smiled and continued waiting for our mom, while on her phone, probably the 4th one that year(she broke them often). It hurt. But hearing it didn't hurt as realizing that I felt it all the time. A grief from early childhood, that I didn't know the origin of, came back. I grieved myself. I still didn't know it then, I was just sad and numb. I thought death was the easy way out. Surely I didn't deserve the easy way. I continues the injuries, hiding them better and refusing to tell my therapist after a separate incident with my mom. Mom even stopped coming to the group therapy, and they told me it was specifically to help parents support their troubled kids, and if my mom wasn't showing up, I could no longer attend the group sessions. We would still have 1 on 1. But it made me feel even worse. Everyone in that group probably knew why I wanted there after 2 times with my mom absent. But I digress. After hearing my sister say that, I guess I became more serious about leaving everything and hoping for a better shot next time, if there was one.
Some months later, still 15 and in school I decided to try what I had heard: alcohol with a high number of any kind of pain pill. I took about 14-16(I don't quite remember, I just kept taking 2 at a time and quit counting at 12, just kept taking) of extra strength Tylenol. Took a shot or 2(or 4, I just did what I thought might be enough while not giving myself away) from ES bottle(she had moved home due to her living situation falling through), and went to school, hoping for the best(worst) I did get a little scared when I suddenly felt a spike in my heart rate, sweat, and a cold sweep through my body. This lasted several minutes, and I happened to be sitting at my desk in class, already having finished the assignment, so laying down on the desk looked normal. I waited and waited. The feeling got worse and worse, and painful, in my stomach and my chest. After a few grueling minutes of hoping it would happen, it didn't. While some residual pain remained in my abdomen, the other symptoms had calmed down. To say i was disappointed was a huge understatement. I went through the classes, saying nothing about having almost released myself from the harsh grip of empty reality. There wouldn't have been a point. I'd have been yelled at by my family for being selfish and wanting attention, just like when they had discovered my injuries and when I had asked for therapy. I was already threatened with being put into a mental ward for teens. Saying something and failing warranted worse consequences than not telling and succeding. So I kept silent and suffered. I decided that putting myself out wouldn't happen, and I would just deal.
I moved in with someone I was dating and their family just a few months after my 18th birthday(9 mo together). I hadn't even graduated yet, just finished credits early. CS had already moved out before that, but I just didn't want to be there any longer. I felt unsupported and pushed aside. Not to get into details, because it's not my story, but when LS was going through something(after I moved out), they dropped it all to help her and take her to therapy. Again, I don't blame LS. I may not like the way she handled her situation afterwards, but it happened nonetheless, and she was pampered by that demon and cared for by everyone else as the baby, so I've never had huge issues with her, but my family's reaction to her vs me was starkly different. Especially after being told several times by CS, ES and hinted at by my mom that I was always a little difficult, but not in a purposeful kind of way. Yet while I was "difficult" I was still thought to be relatively low maintenance due to the fact that I shyed away and prefered to do my own thing, alone. I mean, wouldn't you if you felt, no, if you knew, that certain family members just hated you, and others regarded you as difficult? When you just wanted love? I know that I wasn't normal like other kids, in that I didn't show clear emotion, or didn't know how to convey my feelings or needs. But I never tried to be an issue. But that's what I had always been told. That I was doing it at my own will, to make CS angry. I'm not even sure what about me always put CS off, but it weighed down for a while.
As an adult(18-20), it was better. Communication, but with less physical meetings, proved to at least be better for us. CS eventually started talking to me and my at-the-time SO, inviting us out. I think she needed company, because the man she chose to marry had all but cut out all male people from her life(don't feel bad, she did the same with his female friends)and her female friends were not always good friends, and maybe she knew that, deep down, I still wanted her approval. And boy was she right. We(me and SO, Same age) were always accepting her invitation. My SO had the train of thought that CS was at least trying, and that counted for something. At the time I agreed.
Around age 20, we were heading to Christmas with my family after SO's family celebration(we lived with them at the time, in hindsight a bad idea, totally separate issue). It was snowing and the car I was driving had belonged to SO's parents, so, respectfully, I requested to my SO that we pick up CS and take her to moms apartment(she hadn't moved since we left home, expenses and all). Well, SO was a momma's kid, and while we were getting ready to leave, SO told the parents about the extra trip and asked if that was ok. (At the time I don't think anything, but later on I realized that the mother was a huge control freak with attachment issues and the SO would always back her up in the end, even if there was a good chance we'd win an argument). Looking back, they definitely had an issue with my relationship with my family(mother mainly. Narcissist), but this was CS, and I already had reservations about her anyway. SO's parents said no, sorry. Unfortunately, SO was really dense(yes, I know, shut up) so I couldn't ask them to lie to their mother. I let CS know and was explaining that it wasn't my car and wasn't my idea to "get permission" from the owner(although, as mean on their part as it was, that had to be the case. I had only been given permission to use it for work of whenever me and SO went somewhere together. Yes, very controlling, but not the point). CS wouldn't listen. Instead, went on a tirade of how I was ungrateful and useless and all other insults that just echoed all of the childhood issues.
Story short, she ballooned the story to say that I told her I didn't want to take her and was being rude about it. ES texted me and told me not to come by at all(ES was paying a part of the bills and was an adult on the lease). No one would listen that this was just SO being dumb and, although yes I could've tried harder, it was not my fault. Myother called me that night and I cried, asking why my sister hated me. Why CS hated me. She could only say that sometimes people are angry and it's not our fault. While I appreciated her words, it didn't help. The gift I had for CS went unsent,(robe with her favorite design, Mary Jane) sat in my closet.
I mourned for a while but went on with my life, and that very next summer, I moved me and SO into an apartment. Made a deal with paying the car insurance and the basic gas/oil and regular maintenance costs, in exchange for just being able to drive the vehicle freely, and also I had my license for a year at that point(couldn't get it till 19, with my own cash and borrowing a car at the time), so they felt safer letting me use their car. Fair enough. moving on.
Some time goes by, and CS and ES end up falling out of touch again due to a made up issue(literally a dream where we made fun of her life and loss during her pregnancy. A dream. Mind you, she was also on substances this entire time, literally from the time she was like 11 or 12.) ES started talking to me again, claiming that she knew CS blew it out of proportion and just went along with it. Things go ok.1-2 years later Mom and ES move state. More things happen(kind of irrelevant since CS still isn't involved). Now LS and ES aren't speaking with me and CS comes in saying how she understands. I figured, it's was family, and I needed it. Right? And I was so confused on who to defend and back, my bio family or my SO, that seeing her, even with her sketchy SO, be able to have someone support her when she was put out, even if she was in the wrong and did the putting out, hit the family spot. Against everything, I started hanging out with CS. Up to this point , she hadn't apologized for anything really, but had given gifts, sent invites for holidays, and eve invited me, and sometimes SO over just to hang out(420 is legal in all the states I've lived in, so we had that in common at least). Start to not see CS in such a bright light since she has by that time(I'm 22 at the time) admitted to me that she cheats on her husband, they do hardcore drugs, and he avoids taxes, more stuff but I mainly ignore it cuz, hey, not my life, not my problem. Things go ok.
I leave my ex in 2019 and move out of my state in 2020 and in with family. Yay job closures. Now, this move was probably one of the worst, betraying, infuriating, heartbreaking things that I did as it showed some things about family that I really ignored since I hadn't created an irreversible issue until I lived back with them, as well as bring other heart wrenching events, but that's not important here.
CS now hasn't really sent anything unless it's to ask for help with something, which I do and she pays back, as always. That's not really the bad part. First was about 2 years after I had moved states to be with family. I had been paying ES money for rent, from unemployment(COVID), And had a surgery scheduled for just 3 weeks after the unemployment cut off(I had been looking for jobs but very little luck aside from some MLMs) and ES went ballistic, saying how i was putting them in financial strain(our mom had recently gotten a large tax return from COVID credits, as did she. I did not since I worked during 2019 and 2020. I also got no extra unemployment since it started after the main event. ES ranted to CS that I was a bum and was mooching and spent over a year not paying anything,( even though I had offered ES proof since ES had yelled at me before CS called me). She even posted personal information to insult me online to people I don't know, which is when ES told CS that, while she was mad at the situation, that was crossing a major line. I refused to call CS first, so after a few days, she called me. I laid into her what had been really happening by that point, that I had been paying and I have been doing door dash and donating plasma to continue to pay rent, which I Had talked about to ES. CS was silent during this, and I finally asked why any of the things in childhood happened.
Me: I just want to know why you always bullied me, and beat me up? The things you said?
CS: Well, I want to apologize, but I don't remember a lot of the stuff I did. I was usually high on something. Me: ...Not even telling me to off myself? CS:......-username-, I was a terrible person, and I was on a lot of stuff. I'm sorry that I don't remember.
I don't go farther cuz it's just me explaining everything and that I can't stand that Im always attacked. We hang up with CS telling me that she hopes the best.
Well, things kind of blow up, rent gets unpaid, money is wasted, and I decide to no longer pay and move to my own place. I don't talk to ES. CS chats sometimes, but not too much. After a while of not much texting, around middle of 2022, CS texts. Not exact, but I'll summarize it.
CS: hey, I'm divorcing my husband(I knew, mom told me earlier, didn't say anything) and I'm gonna move to Texas with this guy I've been talking to while married. I'm short on money to move into a place, so could you and mom maybe do this investing app and help out? Me: does it require anything like my credit?(Issues happened prior to this with another person) CS: no you just need to invest their free 5 dollars and keep the account open(I think for either 2 weeks or a month). Me: ok I'll get it started. CS: thank you so much! So how's the new Italian place? Me: it's good, it's called "blah blah blah" CS: ok cool, I'll look it up. Me: Okie dokie. So how's the move coming along
She never responded after that. I ignored it and put it on that she needed to move and focus on packing. I then went to our mom(I took her and her cat with me cuz I'm not monster) and told her the situation. She wanted to ask CS about what to do cuz I had to work in the morning and it was late. Convo:
Me: when you ask CS, ask "hey, -username- said you needed something, I have the app up, what do I do next?" Because this would explain that I told Mom and make CS answer what she wants.
Nope. She just sent "oh did you need any thing for moving, like money or anything?"
CS: hmm? Oh no, we're going to stay with his parents, but thank you for the offer! We'll be ok!
I got upset cuz I feel like I knew something was up. Asking me to help with money for moving to an apartment(she has a car large enough to pack her belongings and she didn't plan to bring furniture). I let it go and deleted the investment account, which continues to try charging me so I had to change banks. Very nice.
Now to this last fall(2023). I moved after that and there was very little interaction. I had been thinking about the relationships in my life and realized that being around CS in particular, or even being mindful of her, was causing mass amounts of resentment and anger in me, making my mental health dive. The lack of remorse and just consistent blaming of substances instead of the choice to do those substances. Claiming she's was a terrible person, but not saying anything about the issues it caused.
I decided that if CS did not even contact me on my birthday(she had skipped it before which isn't too bad, but one year even sent a message 2 months late and when I called her out, she blew it off and just said "oops, I was drunk, my bad".
So this last fall I wait. And nothing, till the end of the day. Honestly I didn't want to wait for excuses or anything. I just felt all of the anger of trying to get her attention and her love, and the desperation that I felt trying to understand why I never deserved it. So I removed her. Not blocked. If there are any emergencies where she would need to contact me(not likely), then it's there. I have a new number, so social media messaging was sufficient. I had done the same with ES.
The very next morning, I had a huge message about how she noticed that I had removed her(this site doesn't notify if someone leaves your friend circle) and about how she felt bad about what happened as kids but that she felt horrible for blocking people out for so long. Then another message telling me that she didn't want to be without her siblings again. Telling me that now, she was going to have a kid in several months, and how it's amazing and she's excited to finally be a mom and I'll be an uncle again(LS has 2 young kids of her own). I opened it and ignored it. She then said she tried reaching out and I left her on read and she hopes I have a good life.
Mentally, I may not be where I want myself to be, and sometimes I feel like I haven't moved forward from being that kid, that just wants to know why. But one step at a time, especially with therapy.
I wanna say I don't feel like the AH, or if I am, that is justified. But I guess there's always going to be a small part of me that wants to have the bonds that I never knew, even if it's too late by now.
So, am I the AH for just stopping contact and connection to someone I feel I just don't have a connection with?
P.s., sorry there's a lot, I honestly didn't mean for it to be this long. Please don't hate my late night grammar
submitted by IJustCantSomeDays to AITAH [link] [comments]
So this culminated to a point for me last year during my birthday in the fall(won't specify, not sure if she uses reddit). I'll give a simple current event summary and then relay past events leading up(me is me, CS(31f): crap sister, LS(26) little sister, ES(36): eldest sister(only here sometimes, as she moved out shortly after her 18th, and then back and forth after tha), Mom(58): mom. SO(same age): ex-partner from junior year HS till age 24. I am trans male, but due to happening after most of these events, that doesn't really have any merit to this story, other than small details, like clothing)
I(28m) decided after not hearing anything on my birthday, and nothing before that since helping her get money for moving state after a divorce(an investing app offered her 1000 if so many people used her link to invest a free 5 dollar gift), to stop all contact and remove my sister from my social media accounts.
When we were kids, CS was the worst. Ever since I could remember, she showed a huge dislike for me. I don't haveamy good memories of her, and the ones I do, are followed, or closely accompanied by a bad memory. I don't have a lot of examples, since the good wasn't really that significant anyway(think, gifting me a stuffed animal when I was in the he hospital for abdominal pains at 8 or 9 years of age, then, after finding that it was a relatively minor issue that happened to cause a huge discomfort. I was told to drink plenty of water, and for my mom to give me a kids Tylenol if needed. She then snatched it back the next day and while I don't remember the exact words, made it clear that I only deserved it if I was really injured, and had wasted time). This was kind of a small(but very impactful) issue that still sticks with me today. I have to convince myself to go to he doctor to have certain issues checked. I recently only went because the numbness in my hands was getting worse, and I was told I had clear symptoms of carpal tunnel(I work in a kitchen, heavy lifting and fine hand movements are often). I also have a ganglean cyst, that has spawned a secondary cyst, in my left wrist, but that's another story.
She always put me down any time I did anything. Even looking at her the wrong way was infuriating to her(I didn't know what she was talking about until just a few years back, but I am diagnosed ADHD and suspected on the autism spectrum. I live on my own and have had a relatively independent life since I could physically and legally do so, just small aspects need extra attention). I'd ask her what she meant, and she'd yell at me. I wasn't rude either. CS:stop looking like that! Me trying to make my face more..plain?: like what? I'm sorry CS: stop it!, you know what you're doing! And you're doing it on purpose. Me: I'm sorry! I really don't know how I'm looking at you, I don't know what you want(I'm crying at this point) CS, getting up to hit me, like always: you KNOW what You're doing, Now stop it!
At that point, my mom had come in and yelled at my sister to calm down(I don't remember what all was said, I was maybe 6 or 7 and don't have the best time remembering the days with her) and that if she didn't like that way I looked, she could go.
Note about my mom, she had left my abusive father and moved several states when I was less than 4, my baby sister not even a year. He tried getting the legal system to bring her back, as the state they had lived in had always done. They told him that it didn't work that way, and they were legally separated. He was told to pay child support(guess how that went) and go to monitored visitation with us. That only happened a few times, and I only remember 2 of them. One visit, there was a person, I don't even recall the face, across the table, coloring and just doing art stuff. The second memory I have is us(me, CS, and LS. ES had a different dad who was not in the picture, and did not want to be. She stayed home). We played with toys in the waiting room for what seemed like forever, the sky was dark when we left. We never went to those meetings again(my dad apparently had told the caseworkers that if my mom wasn't required to meet with him as well, he wasn't interested in the he meetings). Since then, she has been a single mother, working as much as she could while still trying to balance raising us. I don't blame her for not being there, but I am a little disappointed that she never really admonished them, but merely, to this day, says that they may have been horrible then in the circumstances, but they still loved me.
Cue to elementary school, CS used to terrorize me, steal things I owned, destroyed things of mine. She was pretty stuck up and snobby to all of us, but it seemed to be targeted at me(her and ES did fight, instigation from both sides, and eventually made up some years later, but ES could and did fight back. When she could and was home. She worked too, and had a life later in high school, so that was understandable on her part, kind of) I, being younger, and, I guess, a little blind to some social and reactive cues at the time(I discovered I stare blankly while I listen to people. Facial reactions were too hard to focus on without losing attention to what was being said, if that makes sense). Any friends I had soon heard about the way she treated me, and the things she would accuse me of(not bathing, stealing, or just over embellishing embarrassing things about me to make people dislike me. Calling me fat, stupid, weird, etc). One of the only friends I had was a homeschooled girl. But I only got to see her on the weekends. Because my mom worked and ES had extracurriculars and later work(she is about 7.5 years older than me) we were watched by CS, and she didn't want to do the slightest bit of work doing so, which, flipped if it worked in or out of my favor often. Sometimes she'd be non-caring, allowing us to go to a neighborhood friend, so she wouldn't have to watch us. After having to come get us a few times, that stopped. One of the more traumatic times was when she decided to rig our doorknob(so that instead of a lock you flipped, it was a push knob, you push the knob into the door, turn the knob, and release. It's a non key locking system. I'm not sure if they are normally sold that way or if something happened, but it was installed backwards, so that you could lock someone inside of the room. Can you guess what happened? I was locked inside of my own bedroom, no food, no water, not even a bathroom break, during almost the entire 9 hours(mom worked 8 and commute) on a Saturday. I can't remember if LS was in there with me, but it's possible she was young enough to not even know what was going on, if she was in there. She's about 2 years younger than me, and this was when I was around 6/7. I was absolutely terrified. I cried, I screamed, I banged on the door. I begged to be let out for at least the restroom, which she refused, likely because I'd try to run and hide(the smart thing, duh). So there I was, freaking out that I had been locked in a room and cut off from all necessities. I don't stop crying until my mom came home, who, upon hearing the screaming, tore into CS about how wrong it was and what if we needed the bathroom or water, or even food. I don't remember her response(I probably don't want to) but my mom just glared angrily at CS as she left downstairs to her room. Mom made sure I got water, food, and restroom. I didn't mess up my room, that itself also created issues that I'll lay out later.
There are so many(too many) horrific memories from that time. It was hard all the time. I was insulted, isolated from my other siblings, and eve. Physically hurt. I'm not sure if the physical pain was worse though. I tended to forgive people very easily, and constantly, even into my early adulthood, tried my best to make her think better of me. She would steal clothes from me(cut them up to "fit her better". I was chunky, more medical than anything else, so with alterations, yes, they'd fit her. Like they'd fit an escort. Yes it's mean, but she's literally cut the pant legs off of jeans so that it was literally a jean thong. I only realized how terrible that was later on my teen years when fashion set in more within your social groups. And when they eventually didn't fit her(hah) she'd just throw them out and say they were a waste and wouldn't look good on me anyway. My mom told CS at the thrift store that she had to find outfits for me before finding herself some, and she would often try to just grab the first thing(usually ugly and wrong size) she could and the try to shop for herself(she was greedy with money. If CS found out a gift or piece of clothing one of us got cost more, she'd throw a fit and destroy our things. My mom once bought herself a vintage star Trek the original series collection, and because she didn't spend her tax return on CDs for CS, CS scratched up a bunch of the discs. My mom never even got to watch them before that. Some still played, but it felt like a loss). Mom didn't like that and said she had to help me find suitable clothes I liked. CS didn't like it, but obliged.
One of the larger things she did, when a 12/13 year old(I was 10) is she broke into an abandoned foreclosed house with a grown man, and stayed there for several days, or maybe a week or 2 . She ran from home often, blaming our mom for her issues was the norm for her. Everything was moms fault. Might've been her fault, though, was what happened next. My mom didn't want to call the cops on my sister, but knew confronting her alone and with an unknown man would be dangerous. So, probably against her better judgement, she handed me the phone(she worked at a cellular call center, in the early stages(2000's) of cell phones. She got them from the company for free, periodically). I called 911, per our mom's wishes. Explained my sister had broken into a house with a man and had been staying there. Once they heard that she was a minor, they didn't take long to get there. We sat up the road, in the car, watching it happen. Mom cried the entire time, but would not move from that spot until she saw that the cops had successfully taken her into custody. I just stared while it happened.
I know I shouldn't have had to make that call, but, due to being left alone all the time to my own devices, I had become quiet and usually kept my words and feelings to myself, and therefore seemed the most "emotionally stable" to handle it. Being put into that kind of spot was already happening with other issues, but they aren't relevant.
Over the years, more things happened that made me just want to be alone. LS even stopped being a target and was the precious baby sister (no issue with that in itself, but CS further alienated me from LS and I would once again be left alone. Being told I wasnt worth the time and that no one likes me, and if they did, it was because they pitied me, was an often occurance. My mom tried to stop it where she could but she had been met by the wrath of my sister(and before that, my father) for so long, she didn't want my sister to cause an issue that got us taken away from her. (We had been taken for some months due to some CPS workers believing my fathers lies about her being unstable and immoral. Given back due to no evidence, but with a struggle.) She didn't want to risk that again, so instead tried to keep the peace where she could. She had no family help, and was raising us all by herself. CS got physical, with even my mom, and it scared her. Out house was broken into numerous times by her ex boyfriends, ex friends, and people from..."groups" she used to hang out with. ES was also to the point of just not talking to CS or coming around that much anymore(after she moved out at 17. She also couldn't stand to be around CS)
An emergency later on with ES got her and CS bonding and acting like siblings that had a spat, and around that time is when LS was starting to get CS's attention. (I don't blame LS at all. It's not really her fault we never got to bond like siblings and even now don't know how to talk to one another freely). I still received the brunt of CS's wrath. She'd be nice, like offering some soda she bought, or some snacks, and then be a total b itch, sometimes going off and accusing me of stealing something.
CS: my chapstick is missing! Where is it? Me(roughly 8/9): why would I know? CS: don't talk back to me, I KNOW you stole it. now, where is it. Me, mumbling because I know what's going to happen:I don't know... CS: WHAT Me, wanting her to leave me alone: I DONT KNOW. CS: shut up, yes you do, I know you took it, now where is it??
At this point, I am crying and she has already hit me in he head and face a few times. After my refusing to answer, she just screamed and left me there, confused and wondering if I did take it.
She found it later. Never said a word or offered apology. This was a regular accurance all the way up until she moved out for the first time at 14. I learned to not use the phrase " I don't know" as often as I could because to her, it meant I wanted to hide something, because I obviously should know, and was choosing not to tell her and lie. It still happened, and yes, I got beat for it. We even moved school districts when I was 11(not related to the incidents) and I didn't want to make friends because I hated that they would eventually know her. It was rough to say the least.
A few years later, after CS moving in and out of home with boyfriend after boyfriend after boyfriend, starting at 14, I only had to deal with her while she was home, either between moving stints, or whenever she wanted to drop by and take things, like food or stuff she left with us. Sometimes she just took things. Mom was happy to see her come at all, so we dealt with it. While I heavily disliked the way she had treated me until then, I still wanted her to like me. So when she was home, I tried. When she lived with us for a few months at the age of 16/17, ES, now in her early 20s, living on her own, bought me and LS a laptop. It wasn't the best, but it was a laptop. Well, as you can guess, CS wanted to be able to use it too. Mom said we should because it was the nice thing to do and it would calm things down. So I made her a profile of her own. Not good enough. She wanted access to the main account, the one me and LS used. Now I wasnt into anything nefarious at the time, like p**n or anything, but I just don't want to give in to her being crazy and hovering. She looked for anything to yell at me for. She never once asked or yelled at LS for the password, even though LS knew it. It was my fault.
Next time I got the laptop back, the charger cord had some extra pieces stuck to it that I later found to be part of the internal charger port. She had literally ruined not only the charger, but the charging port in the laptop itself. Rendering it absolutely useless. Replacing that small part required the whole charger port to be replaced, and connections to be restored inside the laptop itself. So, it was a loss. No one seemed to ever be as mad as I was that this kept happening. Call me petty, but I held those memories as the deepest grudge, I still do. I kept pushing it down whenever she wanted to be nice to me, which in hindsight ended up being her needing something from me, sometimes even my company, because she couldn't keep authentic friends around. She got me stoned for the first time when I was 8 or 9 at one of her boyfriend's houses, and then gave me my first drink around the same age. Both with my mom not present. I was a child so when she told me not to tell in exchange for snacks and such, I obliged. I just wanted her to like me.
2 moments really stick out in the high school days before she left for several years to play wife to yet another guy. 1.The first was when we were actually hanging out in the kitchen of the family apartment, CS and ES were drinking and just catching up, while I was just by the kitchen drinking water. CS got pretty tipsy and, while walking into the kitchen, slipped and fell. She wasn't hurt or anything, it was just a small thing, and she ended up gigging and everyone laughed, like it was one of those fun family moments, y'know. Like in the shows. Well she looks and sees me laughing too, like literally everyone else. This is particular makes her mad and she gets right up and strides towards me. My mom yelled her name but before anything could happen, CS punched me right in the jaw. Only this time, I didn't fall, much less move more than an inch or 2. I already knew it was coming the moment she locked eyes with me. I stood my ground and just stared at her. I couldn't believe it. Even though I prepared for it, I still couldn't believe it. Everyone else has started laughing first. She had been gone for years. She herself thought it was funny. But seeing me, have fun at her expense, no matter how minuscule? No. Not happening. My mom asked her why she did it. She only looked at me, my face not even sad, just flat, like I felt nothing and hadn't been hit. But I didn't feel "nothing". I felt rage. Rage that, even at 14 and 15, even if others had joined, I was her target. She scoffed when family questioned her and stormed off. Nothing changed.
- After that, I had issues with friends, yet again, because she was home. I, 16 at the time, tried to stay the night at a friend's house, but instead of getting input from my mom, I got CS. She demanded that I clean my "pig-sty" of a room. I shared a room with LS, and a lot of the things complained of, weren't mine. And even if I cleaned, the ADHD made it messy as I easily lost things and would flip my room in a panic. Regardless, I asked if I could talk to mom. Mom hesitated, but as well said no, likely because CS was there and my mom is, admittedly a pushover and a bit naive when it comes to them. CS was screaming at me on the phone, and my friend's mom heard it, and took the phone and asked for them(my mother, NOT my sister) to talk. After this, I told them my sister had issues and was a bad person(info with extra details omitted, but it's legal issues), and to not pay attention to the insults. Well friend's mom thought she should talk it over with my mom and I told her it's fine just discuss staying over, I'm not keen on going home.
CS:I don't know why you have to blab so much, no one needs to know. Me: it's the truth. CS it doesn't matter. You don't even want to be here. If you're going to cut yourself, at least do it the right way.
I stopped talking and looked down after that. She smiled and continued waiting for our mom, while on her phone, probably the 4th one that year(she broke them often). It hurt. But hearing it didn't hurt as realizing that I felt it all the time. A grief from early childhood, that I didn't know the origin of, came back. I grieved myself. I still didn't know it then, I was just sad and numb. I thought death was the easy way out. Surely I didn't deserve the easy way. I continues the injuries, hiding them better and refusing to tell my therapist after a separate incident with my mom. Mom even stopped coming to the group therapy, and they told me it was specifically to help parents support their troubled kids, and if my mom wasn't showing up, I could no longer attend the group sessions. We would still have 1 on 1. But it made me feel even worse. Everyone in that group probably knew why I wanted there after 2 times with my mom absent. But I digress. After hearing my sister say that, I guess I became more serious about leaving everything and hoping for a better shot next time, if there was one.
Some months later, still 15 and in school I decided to try what I had heard: alcohol with a high number of any kind of pain pill. I took about 14-16(I don't quite remember, I just kept taking 2 at a time and quit counting at 12, just kept taking) of extra strength Tylenol. Took a shot or 2(or 4, I just did what I thought might be enough while not giving myself away) from ES bottle(she had moved home due to her living situation falling through), and went to school, hoping for the best(worst) I did get a little scared when I suddenly felt a spike in my heart rate, sweat, and a cold sweep through my body. This lasted several minutes, and I happened to be sitting at my desk in class, already having finished the assignment, so laying down on the desk looked normal. I waited and waited. The feeling got worse and worse, and painful, in my stomach and my chest. After a few grueling minutes of hoping it would happen, it didn't. While some residual pain remained in my abdomen, the other symptoms had calmed down. To say i was disappointed was a huge understatement. I went through the classes, saying nothing about having almost released myself from the harsh grip of empty reality. There wouldn't have been a point. I'd have been yelled at by my family for being selfish and wanting attention, just like when they had discovered my injuries and when I had asked for therapy. I was already threatened with being put into a mental ward for teens. Saying something and failing warranted worse consequences than not telling and succeding. So I kept silent and suffered. I decided that putting myself out wouldn't happen, and I would just deal.
I moved in with someone I was dating and their family just a few months after my 18th birthday(9 mo together). I hadn't even graduated yet, just finished credits early. CS had already moved out before that, but I just didn't want to be there any longer. I felt unsupported and pushed aside. Not to get into details, because it's not my story, but when LS was going through something(after I moved out), they dropped it all to help her and take her to therapy. Again, I don't blame LS. I may not like the way she handled her situation afterwards, but it happened nonetheless, and she was pampered by that demon and cared for by everyone else as the baby, so I've never had huge issues with her, but my family's reaction to her vs me was starkly different. Especially after being told several times by CS, ES and hinted at by my mom that I was always a little difficult, but not in a purposeful kind of way. Yet while I was "difficult" I was still thought to be relatively low maintenance due to the fact that I shyed away and prefered to do my own thing, alone. I mean, wouldn't you if you felt, no, if you knew, that certain family members just hated you, and others regarded you as difficult? When you just wanted love? I know that I wasn't normal like other kids, in that I didn't show clear emotion, or didn't know how to convey my feelings or needs. But I never tried to be an issue. But that's what I had always been told. That I was doing it at my own will, to make CS angry. I'm not even sure what about me always put CS off, but it weighed down for a while.
As an adult(18-20), it was better. Communication, but with less physical meetings, proved to at least be better for us. CS eventually started talking to me and my at-the-time SO, inviting us out. I think she needed company, because the man she chose to marry had all but cut out all male people from her life(don't feel bad, she did the same with his female friends)and her female friends were not always good friends, and maybe she knew that, deep down, I still wanted her approval. And boy was she right. We(me and SO, Same age) were always accepting her invitation. My SO had the train of thought that CS was at least trying, and that counted for something. At the time I agreed.
Around age 20, we were heading to Christmas with my family after SO's family celebration(we lived with them at the time, in hindsight a bad idea, totally separate issue). It was snowing and the car I was driving had belonged to SO's parents, so, respectfully, I requested to my SO that we pick up CS and take her to moms apartment(she hadn't moved since we left home, expenses and all). Well, SO was a momma's kid, and while we were getting ready to leave, SO told the parents about the extra trip and asked if that was ok. (At the time I don't think anything, but later on I realized that the mother was a huge control freak with attachment issues and the SO would always back her up in the end, even if there was a good chance we'd win an argument). Looking back, they definitely had an issue with my relationship with my family(mother mainly. Narcissist), but this was CS, and I already had reservations about her anyway. SO's parents said no, sorry. Unfortunately, SO was really dense(yes, I know, shut up) so I couldn't ask them to lie to their mother. I let CS know and was explaining that it wasn't my car and wasn't my idea to "get permission" from the owner(although, as mean on their part as it was, that had to be the case. I had only been given permission to use it for work of whenever me and SO went somewhere together. Yes, very controlling, but not the point). CS wouldn't listen. Instead, went on a tirade of how I was ungrateful and useless and all other insults that just echoed all of the childhood issues.
Story short, she ballooned the story to say that I told her I didn't want to take her and was being rude about it. ES texted me and told me not to come by at all(ES was paying a part of the bills and was an adult on the lease). No one would listen that this was just SO being dumb and, although yes I could've tried harder, it was not my fault. Myother called me that night and I cried, asking why my sister hated me. Why CS hated me. She could only say that sometimes people are angry and it's not our fault. While I appreciated her words, it didn't help. The gift I had for CS went unsent,(robe with her favorite design, Mary Jane) sat in my closet.
I mourned for a while but went on with my life, and that very next summer, I moved me and SO into an apartment. Made a deal with paying the car insurance and the basic gas/oil and regular maintenance costs, in exchange for just being able to drive the vehicle freely, and also I had my license for a year at that point(couldn't get it till 19, with my own cash and borrowing a car at the time), so they felt safer letting me use their car. Fair enough. moving on.
Some time goes by, and CS and ES end up falling out of touch again due to a made up issue(literally a dream where we made fun of her life and loss during her pregnancy. A dream. Mind you, she was also on substances this entire time, literally from the time she was like 11 or 12.) ES started talking to me again, claiming that she knew CS blew it out of proportion and just went along with it. Things go ok.1-2 years later Mom and ES move state. More things happen(kind of irrelevant since CS still isn't involved). Now LS and ES aren't speaking with me and CS comes in saying how she understands. I figured, it's was family, and I needed it. Right? And I was so confused on who to defend and back, my bio family or my SO, that seeing her, even with her sketchy SO, be able to have someone support her when she was put out, even if she was in the wrong and did the putting out, hit the family spot. Against everything, I started hanging out with CS. Up to this point , she hadn't apologized for anything really, but had given gifts, sent invites for holidays, and eve invited me, and sometimes SO over just to hang out(420 is legal in all the states I've lived in, so we had that in common at least). Start to not see CS in such a bright light since she has by that time(I'm 22 at the time) admitted to me that she cheats on her husband, they do hardcore drugs, and he avoids taxes, more stuff but I mainly ignore it cuz, hey, not my life, not my problem. Things go ok.
I leave my ex in 2019 and move out of my state in 2020 and in with family. Yay job closures. Now, this move was probably one of the worst, betraying, infuriating, heartbreaking things that I did as it showed some things about family that I really ignored since I hadn't created an irreversible issue until I lived back with them, as well as bring other heart wrenching events, but that's not important here.
CS now hasn't really sent anything unless it's to ask for help with something, which I do and she pays back, as always. That's not really the bad part. First was about 2 years after I had moved states to be with family. I had been paying ES money for rent, from unemployment(COVID), And had a surgery scheduled for just 3 weeks after the unemployment cut off(I had been looking for jobs but very little luck aside from some MLMs) and ES went ballistic, saying how i was putting them in financial strain(our mom had recently gotten a large tax return from COVID credits, as did she. I did not since I worked during 2019 and 2020. I also got no extra unemployment since it started after the main event. ES ranted to CS that I was a bum and was mooching and spent over a year not paying anything,( even though I had offered ES proof since ES had yelled at me before CS called me). She even posted personal information to insult me online to people I don't know, which is when ES told CS that, while she was mad at the situation, that was crossing a major line. I refused to call CS first, so after a few days, she called me. I laid into her what had been really happening by that point, that I had been paying and I have been doing door dash and donating plasma to continue to pay rent, which I Had talked about to ES. CS was silent during this, and I finally asked why any of the things in childhood happened.
Me: I just want to know why you always bullied me, and beat me up? The things you said?
CS: Well, I want to apologize, but I don't remember a lot of the stuff I did. I was usually high on something. Me: ...Not even telling me to off myself? CS:......-username-, I was a terrible person, and I was on a lot of stuff. I'm sorry that I don't remember.
I don't go farther cuz it's just me explaining everything and that I can't stand that Im always attacked. We hang up with CS telling me that she hopes the best.
Well, things kind of blow up, rent gets unpaid, money is wasted, and I decide to no longer pay and move to my own place. I don't talk to ES. CS chats sometimes, but not too much. After a while of not much texting, around middle of 2022, CS texts. Not exact, but I'll summarize it.
CS: hey, I'm divorcing my husband(I knew, mom told me earlier, didn't say anything) and I'm gonna move to Texas with this guy I've been talking to while married. I'm short on money to move into a place, so could you and mom maybe do this investing app and help out? Me: does it require anything like my credit?(Issues happened prior to this with another person) CS: no you just need to invest their free 5 dollars and keep the account open(I think for either 2 weeks or a month). Me: ok I'll get it started. CS: thank you so much! So how's the new Italian place? Me: it's good, it's called "blah blah blah" CS: ok cool, I'll look it up. Me: Okie dokie. So how's the move coming along
She never responded after that. I ignored it and put it on that she needed to move and focus on packing. I then went to our mom(I took her and her cat with me cuz I'm not monster) and told her the situation. She wanted to ask CS about what to do cuz I had to work in the morning and it was late. Convo:
Me: when you ask CS, ask "hey, -username- said you needed something, I have the app up, what do I do next?" Because this would explain that I told Mom and make CS answer what she wants.
Nope. She just sent "oh did you need any thing for moving, like money or anything?"
CS: hmm? Oh no, we're going to stay with his parents, but thank you for the offer! We'll be ok!
I got upset cuz I feel like I knew something was up. Asking me to help with money for moving to an apartment(she has a car large enough to pack her belongings and she didn't plan to bring furniture). I let it go and deleted the investment account, which continues to try charging me so I had to change banks. Very nice.
Now to this last fall(2023). I moved after that and there was very little interaction. I had been thinking about the relationships in my life and realized that being around CS in particular, or even being mindful of her, was causing mass amounts of resentment and anger in me, making my mental health dive. The lack of remorse and just consistent blaming of substances instead of the choice to do those substances. Claiming she's was a terrible person, but not saying anything about the issues it caused.
I decided that if CS did not even contact me on my birthday(she had skipped it before which isn't too bad, but one year even sent a message 2 months late and when I called her out, she blew it off and just said "oops, I was drunk, my bad".
So this last fall I wait. And nothing, till the end of the day. Honestly I didn't want to wait for excuses or anything. I just felt all of the anger of trying to get her attention and her love, and the desperation that I felt trying to understand why I never deserved it. So I removed her. Not blocked. If there are any emergencies where she would need to contact me(not likely), then it's there. I have a new number, so social media messaging was sufficient. I had done the same with ES.
The very next morning, I had a huge message about how she noticed that I had removed her(this site doesn't notify if someone leaves your friend circle) and about how she felt bad about what happened as kids but that she felt horrible for blocking people out for so long. Then another message telling me that she didn't want to be without her siblings again. Telling me that now, she was going to have a kid in several months, and how it's amazing and she's excited to finally be a mom and I'll be an uncle again(LS has 2 young kids of her own). I opened it and ignored it. She then said she tried reaching out and I left her on read and she hopes I have a good life.
Mentally, I may not be where I want myself to be, and sometimes I feel like I haven't moved forward from being that kid, that just wants to know why. But one step at a time, especially with therapy.
I wanna say I don't feel like the AH, or if I am, that is justified. But I guess there's always going to be a small part of me that wants to have the bonds that I never knew, even if it's too late by now.
So, am I the AH for just stopping contact and connection to someone I feel I just don't have a connection with?
P.s., sorry there's a lot, I honestly didn't mean for it to be this long. Please don't hate my late night grammar
2024.05.11 23:44 Revolutionary_Day990 Weightloss resistance?
 | This is so incredibly sad that this charlatan is using blatant lies to mislead young women who are the only ones naive enough to buy into this nonsense… Aggie for as long as she has been on IG looked like someone seriously struggling from a restrictive eating disorder so I HIGHLY doubt anyone aside from her own disordered mind ever could have thought anything along the lines of “weightloss resistance”. submitted by Revolutionary_Day990 to jaggie [link] [comments] Now not only did this person clearly struggle with a healthy self image but she is still in the grips of a serious eating disorder and body dysmorphia which is evident from a fanatical obsession with losing weight, 30 day water fasts while being all skin and bones or comments such as I am 90 lbs and would need to be EVEN BIGGER if I want to gain muscle etc. The fact that this then gets packaged and resold as a “bio hacking bff to all women” is disgusting. And frankly at some point IG and Meta have to start regulating and pulling air time from these parasites poisoning young women’s minds for a quick buck. And funny thing is she could have just embraced the I was always skinny and beautiful because I innately knew the secrets and will not sell them to you instead of this absolute kindf@ck. Lol really turned into a rant but on a serious note I’m a social media manger and characters like her make my skin crawl. About to do a charitable contribution to humanity and literally create a new channel, dump a few thousand into marketing it and offer for free every single course these morons sell for hundreds of dollars along with something pointing out just how stupid it is and why sometimes a little common sense is all you really need. |
2024.05.11 20:55 Rukania Rwandan urban legend of the Cyangugu Zombie incident
Zombies have been a staple of pop culture and cinema since the likes of ‘White Zombie’ and ‘Night of the Living Dead’. Numerous interpretations and adaptions have been given life over the last few century - with the general premise staying the same. A reanimated undead corpse, now no longer under control by its original owner, typically flesh-eating and hungry for brains.
A lot of people believe that’s all zombies are. A fictional creature created by the film industry to make millions at the box office. But many would be shocked to learn of the true and terrifying incident that occurred involving said creatures. An incident that was covered up by a coalition of governing bodies in order not to panic the public at the time. The real-life incident involving the Rwandan zombies.
Mobuto Saleh was born on 28th October 1978 in Kigali, Rwanda. At the time, he was the youngest of 4 brothers, all of whom were significantly older than Mobutu. Mobutu grew up through the Rwandan Civil War (which raged violently from 1990 - 1994). During this time his family (including his mother, father and 3 older brothers) would move out of the dangerous capital city to a town called Cyangugu. Cyangugu was, at the time of the move in 1990, relatively safe from the conflict and allowed Mobuto to experience a relatively normal childhood. It also made him extremely close with the youngest of his older brothers, Stephen Saleh.
Stephen Saleh was 10 years older than Mabuto, placing him to be about 22 years old at the time of the incident. Stephen kept a watchful eye over his younger brother, keeping him safe while they went out and played in the streets. Stephen and Mabuto would often visit the local jungle together, spending hours exploring and playing games. Mabuto idolised Stephen, with the 12-year old constantly at the heels of his older brother.
On 26th November 1990 is when the beginning of the horrifying tale would seemingly begin to unravel. All information has been extracted from the diaries of Mabuto Saleh, allowing us to understand the timeline of events that led up to the unfortunate ending.
25/11/90:
Me and Stephen went exploring again today. The news on the radio is all about the war and fighting. I think Stephen can tell that I get scared when they read out the death count and describe what is happening in Kigali. When he sees I’m scared he always suggests that we go and explore the jungle, which is what we did today.
We saw the weirdest thing in the jungle today though. It was a small velvet monkey, we see these quite a lot so that’s not the weird thing. What was weird is he was completely still. We usually see them swinging through the trees, this one wasn’t. He was stood on the floor and was co go and collect some fruit, but when we came back an hour later the monkey was gone? Weird. Completely still. His eyes were open, and he was stood on his hind legs - so definitely alive. Sort of swaying too. But he was just like a statue, me and Stephen watched him for about 20 minutes and then we got really creeped out.
We left to go and collect some fruit, but when we came back an hour later the monkey was gone? Weird.
28/11/90:
Me and Stephen were in jungle again today and he really scared me. We were playing hide and seek and he was the one seeking. I hid in a great spot in the tree, I knew he’d never find me there. I waited for like an hour, and he still didn’t come! I got really bored, so I came down because I thought I must’ve won by now. I couldn’t find him anywhere and I thought maybe he thought he was hiding, until I saw him in a clearing by some trees. He was just stood there really still like a statue. Like that monkey the other day actually. I walked round to the front of him so I could see his face, and he was just staring straight ahead. His eyes were really glassy and bloodshot like he hadn’t blinked in ages. I kept shouting at him ‘Stephen, Stephen! Hello! Hello! Answer me, this isn’t funny!’ - but he just kept still and didn’t say anything. I thought this joke was really not funny, but even when I hit him he didn’t move. I ran off to go and get Iman (another Saleh brother), we came back about 30 minutes later and Stephen was gone! Iman thought we were joking and nearly went home but I started crying and he said he’d help me look for Stephen, because it would get dark soon.
We spent an hour looking for Stephen and couldn’t find him anywhere. I could see Iman getting worried too, but he kept saying ‘I’m sure he’s fine’. It was getting dark when I heard Iman shout ‘Stephen, what the fuck are you doing?!’. I ran over, and Iman was stood over Stephen. Stephen had buried himself in the undergrowth of some bushes and vines. He had covered himself in dirt and leaves, and only parts of his face and arms he hadn’t covered well enough were visible. We knew he buried himself because we could see the mud under his fingernails from where he had dug it up. He still had that look on his face like he hadn’t blinked still. Iman went down to grab Stephen’s shoulder and pull him up, and Stephen snapped out of it and lunged at Iman! He punched him and growled! Then, he calmed down again. Iman looked like his feelings were hurt, but he was fine. He asked Stephen why he did that, and Stephen just replied with ‘I don’t know’. We all walked home in silence. I don’t know what happened, but I hope Stephen is okay tomorrow.
It should also be noted that Stephen Saleh was described as being very mild-mannered until this point, having never been in a fight in his life - let alone striking his own brother.
29/11/90:
I went into Stephen’s room this morning to see if he felt better. He looked awful, he looked like a skeleton, I asked how he lost so much weight over night but he didn’t answer. He just kept staring blankly at the wall. I guess he just wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want to talk, so I left him alone.
I saw Kwita this afternoon (a friend of Mobuto of the same age) and we went to the jungle to play. I was a little bit scared at first because of how Stephen was acting yesterday, but I forgot about it after a while.
Kwita told me that earlier that day he saw a monkey eating another monkey! I think he’s lying though. Velvet monkeys (what he saw) are herbivores and that means they do not eat meat. So how could it be eating another monkey? Stephen taught me that. I hope he’s okay.
30/11/90:
I went into Stephen’s room this morning and he wasn’t there? I thought maybe he had felt better today so decided to go outside! I wish he had told me so we could’ve gone to play together!
This was the final diary entry of Mobuto Saleh. On 1st December 1990, in their family home, the bodies of Mobuto Saleh, Iman Saleh and their mother and father were found scattered throughout the house. The crime scene was vicious, and was assumed an animal attack. All the bodies had had their internal organs savagely eaten. That same day, a further 12 bodies were found in the surrounding area - all murdered and gorged upon in a similar fashion.
Local police quickly swarmed the area, looking for who or what could be responsible for the attacks. What they found shocked them. At 10:20pm Stephen Saleh was seen, leaving a local home. He walked slowly out of the house, with blood surrounding his mouth and over his hands and arms. Stephen Saleh was ‘barely recognisable’ as he was said to be incredibly skinny, with open wounds all over his body. He was also naked.
The police began to try and reason with Stephen from a distance, but he simply ignored them and kept walking. One officer opened fire on Stephen, shooting him twice with a pistol - to which Stephen astonishingly had no reaction. After a third shot was fired - again hitting Stephen in the chest - he allegedly turned and began walking towards the police. More police opened fire on Stephen, who continued to stagger towards them. Stephen managed to eventually get his hands on one of the police officers, attempting to then sink his teeth into the officers torso.
He was wrestled to the ground before he could achieve this, and finally stopped moving when a shot was fired to his head. The police and local town were extremely shaken by this, and immediately reported the strange activity to the Rwandan army. The army and local government, allegedly under advice from a scientist, bombed the area and surrounding jungle on the 2nd December 1990. This resulted in countless deaths, but was swept under the rug due to the ongoing civil war and far greater death toll emerging from Kigali every day.
The few who were lucky enough to live and recount the tale of Stephen Saleh, were left baffled for years as to the nature of his crimes and the government’s cruel response. In 2002, a local Rwandan scientist proposed the theory that Stephen Saleh had been turned into a zombie. The Emerald Cockroach Wasp, is a parasitic wasp that has evolved into turning cockroaches into ‘zombies’. The wasp’s initial sting is a paralysing sting, putting the cockroach into a bio-chemically induced state of transient paralysis. This halts the cockroaches movement entirely, allowing the wasp to more accurately locate the victim’s head ganglia for the second sting. The second sting releases venom that blocks receptors for the neurotransmitter octopamine. Essentially, this means the cockroach is under a state of mind control. The wasp then leads the cockroach to a burrow (through chemical secretions that the cockroach follows instinctively now), so it can plant it’s larvae in the cockroaches brain in private. The wasp then leaves, it’s work done. The cockroach maintains in a trance-like state for a couple of days while the larvae hatch inside its brain. One the larvae have hatched, they then begin to eat the internal organs of the cockroach. The cockroach, with its octopamine now blocked, is essentially dead anyway. It is now a vehicle for the wasp larvae to control. After the larvae have devoured the cockroaches internal organs. They burrow their way out, as fully grown wasps.
It’s theorised this is what happened to Stephen Saleh, that day on the 25th November - whilst he was seeking his brother. He was likely stung by an emerald cockroach wasp, or a wasp of similar nature. This explains his paralysed state in Mobuto’s diary entries. As well as his self ‘burrowing’, so the wasp can lay its larvae in peace. It also explains his fast weight loss, as he was technically dead at that time - with the wasp larvae devouring his internal organs. Finally, it’s thought that when the wasp larvae have finished the internal organs of the host - if more nutrients is required - they will use the host’s lifeless body to consume the internal organs of others.
But how could a parasitic wasp go from preying on cockroaches to mammals? That’s still unknown. One theory, a likely candidate, is to do with the chemicals that were being sprayed over the Cyangugu jungle in the late 1980s as a form of pesticide. These chemicals were since banned in 1992. It is theorised the chemical sprays contained a property that mutated the Emerald Cockroach Wasp into having venom potent enough to hunt for humans and other primates as their host bodies.
This is likely why the government and army acted fast - burning the whole area - to rid any chance of this mutated wasp continuing this devastating process.
Naturally no bodies of any of the Saleh family or any other of Stephen’s victims could be identified after the fires. The gruesome event was swept under the rug, never making it to mainstream media due to the ongoing civil war in Rwanda overshadowing the horrors and normalising the vast amount of deaths that occurred. It is unsure if Stephen Saleh was the only human victim of the wasp, or if more zombies had been created and not documented.
The only evidence left of the story of the Rwandan Zombies are the charred remains of the diary of Mobuto Saleh and the original police report filings. Many hope this is the first and only reporting of a real life zombie, however I suppose we won’t know - not unless some of the mutated parasitic wasp managed to survive. Perhaps lying dormant, until years later.
submitted by Rukania to UrbanLegends [link] [comments]
A lot of people believe that’s all zombies are. A fictional creature created by the film industry to make millions at the box office. But many would be shocked to learn of the true and terrifying incident that occurred involving said creatures. An incident that was covered up by a coalition of governing bodies in order not to panic the public at the time. The real-life incident involving the Rwandan zombies.
Mobuto Saleh was born on 28th October 1978 in Kigali, Rwanda. At the time, he was the youngest of 4 brothers, all of whom were significantly older than Mobutu. Mobutu grew up through the Rwandan Civil War (which raged violently from 1990 - 1994). During this time his family (including his mother, father and 3 older brothers) would move out of the dangerous capital city to a town called Cyangugu. Cyangugu was, at the time of the move in 1990, relatively safe from the conflict and allowed Mobuto to experience a relatively normal childhood. It also made him extremely close with the youngest of his older brothers, Stephen Saleh.
Stephen Saleh was 10 years older than Mabuto, placing him to be about 22 years old at the time of the incident. Stephen kept a watchful eye over his younger brother, keeping him safe while they went out and played in the streets. Stephen and Mabuto would often visit the local jungle together, spending hours exploring and playing games. Mabuto idolised Stephen, with the 12-year old constantly at the heels of his older brother.
On 26th November 1990 is when the beginning of the horrifying tale would seemingly begin to unravel. All information has been extracted from the diaries of Mabuto Saleh, allowing us to understand the timeline of events that led up to the unfortunate ending.
25/11/90:
Me and Stephen went exploring again today. The news on the radio is all about the war and fighting. I think Stephen can tell that I get scared when they read out the death count and describe what is happening in Kigali. When he sees I’m scared he always suggests that we go and explore the jungle, which is what we did today.
We saw the weirdest thing in the jungle today though. It was a small velvet monkey, we see these quite a lot so that’s not the weird thing. What was weird is he was completely still. We usually see them swinging through the trees, this one wasn’t. He was stood on the floor and was co go and collect some fruit, but when we came back an hour later the monkey was gone? Weird. Completely still. His eyes were open, and he was stood on his hind legs - so definitely alive. Sort of swaying too. But he was just like a statue, me and Stephen watched him for about 20 minutes and then we got really creeped out.
We left to go and collect some fruit, but when we came back an hour later the monkey was gone? Weird.
28/11/90:
Me and Stephen were in jungle again today and he really scared me. We were playing hide and seek and he was the one seeking. I hid in a great spot in the tree, I knew he’d never find me there. I waited for like an hour, and he still didn’t come! I got really bored, so I came down because I thought I must’ve won by now. I couldn’t find him anywhere and I thought maybe he thought he was hiding, until I saw him in a clearing by some trees. He was just stood there really still like a statue. Like that monkey the other day actually. I walked round to the front of him so I could see his face, and he was just staring straight ahead. His eyes were really glassy and bloodshot like he hadn’t blinked in ages. I kept shouting at him ‘Stephen, Stephen! Hello! Hello! Answer me, this isn’t funny!’ - but he just kept still and didn’t say anything. I thought this joke was really not funny, but even when I hit him he didn’t move. I ran off to go and get Iman (another Saleh brother), we came back about 30 minutes later and Stephen was gone! Iman thought we were joking and nearly went home but I started crying and he said he’d help me look for Stephen, because it would get dark soon.
We spent an hour looking for Stephen and couldn’t find him anywhere. I could see Iman getting worried too, but he kept saying ‘I’m sure he’s fine’. It was getting dark when I heard Iman shout ‘Stephen, what the fuck are you doing?!’. I ran over, and Iman was stood over Stephen. Stephen had buried himself in the undergrowth of some bushes and vines. He had covered himself in dirt and leaves, and only parts of his face and arms he hadn’t covered well enough were visible. We knew he buried himself because we could see the mud under his fingernails from where he had dug it up. He still had that look on his face like he hadn’t blinked still. Iman went down to grab Stephen’s shoulder and pull him up, and Stephen snapped out of it and lunged at Iman! He punched him and growled! Then, he calmed down again. Iman looked like his feelings were hurt, but he was fine. He asked Stephen why he did that, and Stephen just replied with ‘I don’t know’. We all walked home in silence. I don’t know what happened, but I hope Stephen is okay tomorrow.
It should also be noted that Stephen Saleh was described as being very mild-mannered until this point, having never been in a fight in his life - let alone striking his own brother.
29/11/90:
I went into Stephen’s room this morning to see if he felt better. He looked awful, he looked like a skeleton, I asked how he lost so much weight over night but he didn’t answer. He just kept staring blankly at the wall. I guess he just wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want to talk, so I left him alone.
I saw Kwita this afternoon (a friend of Mobuto of the same age) and we went to the jungle to play. I was a little bit scared at first because of how Stephen was acting yesterday, but I forgot about it after a while.
Kwita told me that earlier that day he saw a monkey eating another monkey! I think he’s lying though. Velvet monkeys (what he saw) are herbivores and that means they do not eat meat. So how could it be eating another monkey? Stephen taught me that. I hope he’s okay.
30/11/90:
I went into Stephen’s room this morning and he wasn’t there? I thought maybe he had felt better today so decided to go outside! I wish he had told me so we could’ve gone to play together!
This was the final diary entry of Mobuto Saleh. On 1st December 1990, in their family home, the bodies of Mobuto Saleh, Iman Saleh and their mother and father were found scattered throughout the house. The crime scene was vicious, and was assumed an animal attack. All the bodies had had their internal organs savagely eaten. That same day, a further 12 bodies were found in the surrounding area - all murdered and gorged upon in a similar fashion.
Local police quickly swarmed the area, looking for who or what could be responsible for the attacks. What they found shocked them. At 10:20pm Stephen Saleh was seen, leaving a local home. He walked slowly out of the house, with blood surrounding his mouth and over his hands and arms. Stephen Saleh was ‘barely recognisable’ as he was said to be incredibly skinny, with open wounds all over his body. He was also naked.
The police began to try and reason with Stephen from a distance, but he simply ignored them and kept walking. One officer opened fire on Stephen, shooting him twice with a pistol - to which Stephen astonishingly had no reaction. After a third shot was fired - again hitting Stephen in the chest - he allegedly turned and began walking towards the police. More police opened fire on Stephen, who continued to stagger towards them. Stephen managed to eventually get his hands on one of the police officers, attempting to then sink his teeth into the officers torso.
He was wrestled to the ground before he could achieve this, and finally stopped moving when a shot was fired to his head. The police and local town were extremely shaken by this, and immediately reported the strange activity to the Rwandan army. The army and local government, allegedly under advice from a scientist, bombed the area and surrounding jungle on the 2nd December 1990. This resulted in countless deaths, but was swept under the rug due to the ongoing civil war and far greater death toll emerging from Kigali every day.
The few who were lucky enough to live and recount the tale of Stephen Saleh, were left baffled for years as to the nature of his crimes and the government’s cruel response. In 2002, a local Rwandan scientist proposed the theory that Stephen Saleh had been turned into a zombie. The Emerald Cockroach Wasp, is a parasitic wasp that has evolved into turning cockroaches into ‘zombies’. The wasp’s initial sting is a paralysing sting, putting the cockroach into a bio-chemically induced state of transient paralysis. This halts the cockroaches movement entirely, allowing the wasp to more accurately locate the victim’s head ganglia for the second sting. The second sting releases venom that blocks receptors for the neurotransmitter octopamine. Essentially, this means the cockroach is under a state of mind control. The wasp then leads the cockroach to a burrow (through chemical secretions that the cockroach follows instinctively now), so it can plant it’s larvae in the cockroaches brain in private. The wasp then leaves, it’s work done. The cockroach maintains in a trance-like state for a couple of days while the larvae hatch inside its brain. One the larvae have hatched, they then begin to eat the internal organs of the cockroach. The cockroach, with its octopamine now blocked, is essentially dead anyway. It is now a vehicle for the wasp larvae to control. After the larvae have devoured the cockroaches internal organs. They burrow their way out, as fully grown wasps.
It’s theorised this is what happened to Stephen Saleh, that day on the 25th November - whilst he was seeking his brother. He was likely stung by an emerald cockroach wasp, or a wasp of similar nature. This explains his paralysed state in Mobuto’s diary entries. As well as his self ‘burrowing’, so the wasp can lay its larvae in peace. It also explains his fast weight loss, as he was technically dead at that time - with the wasp larvae devouring his internal organs. Finally, it’s thought that when the wasp larvae have finished the internal organs of the host - if more nutrients is required - they will use the host’s lifeless body to consume the internal organs of others.
But how could a parasitic wasp go from preying on cockroaches to mammals? That’s still unknown. One theory, a likely candidate, is to do with the chemicals that were being sprayed over the Cyangugu jungle in the late 1980s as a form of pesticide. These chemicals were since banned in 1992. It is theorised the chemical sprays contained a property that mutated the Emerald Cockroach Wasp into having venom potent enough to hunt for humans and other primates as their host bodies.
This is likely why the government and army acted fast - burning the whole area - to rid any chance of this mutated wasp continuing this devastating process.
Naturally no bodies of any of the Saleh family or any other of Stephen’s victims could be identified after the fires. The gruesome event was swept under the rug, never making it to mainstream media due to the ongoing civil war in Rwanda overshadowing the horrors and normalising the vast amount of deaths that occurred. It is unsure if Stephen Saleh was the only human victim of the wasp, or if more zombies had been created and not documented.
The only evidence left of the story of the Rwandan Zombies are the charred remains of the diary of Mobuto Saleh and the original police report filings. Many hope this is the first and only reporting of a real life zombie, however I suppose we won’t know - not unless some of the mutated parasitic wasp managed to survive. Perhaps lying dormant, until years later.
2024.05.11 20:54 Rukania The chilling true crime case of the Zombies of Rwanda
Zombies have been a staple of pop culture and cinema since the likes of ‘White Zombie’ and ‘Night of the Living Dead’. Numerous interpretations and adaptions have been given life over the last few century - with the general premise staying the same. A reanimated undead corpse, now no longer under control by its original owner, typically flesh-eating and hungry for brains.
A lot of people believe that’s all zombies area: a fictional creature created by the film industry to make millions at the box office. But many would be shocked to learn of the true and terrifying incident that occurred involving said creatures. An incident that was covered up by a coalition of governing bodies in order not to panic the public at the time. The real-life incident involving the Rwandan zombies.
Mobuto Saleh was born on 28th October 1978 in Kigali, Rwanda. At the time, he was the youngest of 4 brothers, all of whom were significantly older than Mobutu. Mobutu grew up through the Rwandan Civil War (which raged violently from 1990 - 1994). During this time his family (including his mother, father and 3 older brothers) would move out of the dangerous capital city to a town called Cyangugu. Cyangugu was, at the time of the move in 1990, relatively safe from the conflict and allowed Mobuto to experience a relatively normal childhood. It also made him extremely close with the youngest of his older brothers, Stephen Saleh.
Stephen Saleh was 10 years older than Mabuto, placing him to be about 22 years old at the time of the incident. Stephen kept a watchful eye over his younger brother, keeping him safe while they went out and played in the streets. Stephen and Mabuto would often visit the local jungle together, spending hours exploring and playing games. Mabuto idolised Stephen, with the 12-year old constantly at the heels of his older brother.
On 26th November 1990 is when the beginning of the horrifying tale would seemingly begin to unravel. All information has been extracted from the diaries of Mabuto Saleh, allowing us to understand the timeline of events that led up to the unfortunate ending.
25/11/90:
Me and Stephen went exploring again today. The news on the radio is all about the war and fighting. I think Stephen can tell that I get scared when they read out the death count and describe what is happening in Kigali. When he sees I’m scared he always suggests that we go and explore the jungle, which is what we did today.
We saw the weirdest thing in the jungle today though. It was a small velvet monkey, we see these quite a lot so that’s not the weird thing. What was weird is he was completely still. We usually see them swinging through the trees, this one wasn’t. He was stood on the floor and was co go and collect some fruit, but when we came back an hour later the monkey was gone? Weird. Completely still. His eyes were open, and he was stood on his hind legs - so definitely alive. Sort of swaying too. But he was just like a statue, me and Stephen watched him for about 20 minutes and then we got really creeped out.
We left to go and collect some fruit, but when we came back an hour later the monkey was gone? Weird.
28/11/90:
Me and Stephen were in jungle again today and he really scared me. We were playing hide and seek and he was the one seeking. I hid in a great spot in the tree, I knew he’d never find me there. I waited for like an hour, and he still didn’t come! I got really bored, so I came down because I thought I must’ve won by now. I couldn’t find him anywhere and I thought maybe he thought he was hiding, until I saw him in a clearing by some trees. He was just stood there really still like a statue. Like that monkey the other day actually. I walked round to the front of him so I could see his face, and he was just staring straight ahead. His eyes were really glassy and bloodshot like he hadn’t blinked in ages. I kept shouting at him ‘Stephen, Stephen! Hello! Hello! Answer me, this isn’t funny!’ - but he just kept still and didn’t say anything. I thought this joke was really not funny, but even when I hit him he didn’t move. I ran off to go and get Iman (another Saleh brother), we came back about 30 minutes later and Stephen was gone! Iman thought we were joking and nearly went home but I started crying and he said he’d help me look for Stephen, because it would get dark soon.
We spent an hour looking for Stephen and couldn’t find him anywhere. I could see Iman getting worried too, but he kept saying ‘I’m sure he’s fine’. It was getting dark when I heard Iman shout ‘Stephen, what the fuck are you doing?!’. I ran over, and Iman was stood over Stephen. Stephen had buried himself in the undergrowth of some bushes and vines. He had covered himself in dirt and leaves, and only parts of his face and arms he hadn’t covered well enough were visible. We knew he buried himself because we could see the mud under his fingernails from where he had dug it up. He still had that look on his face like he hadn’t blinked still. Iman went down to grab Stephen’s shoulder and pull him up, and Stephen snapped out of it and lunged at Iman! He punched him and growled! Then, he calmed down again. Iman looked like his feelings were hurt, but he was fine. He asked Stephen why he did that, and Stephen just replied with ‘I don’t know’. We all walked home in silence. I don’t know what happened, but I hope Stephen is okay tomorrow.
It should also be noted that Stephen Saleh was described as being very mild-mannered until this point, having never been in a fight in his life - let alone striking his own brother.
29/11/90:
I went into Stephen’s room this morning to see if he felt better. He looked awful, he looked like a skeleton, I asked how he lost so much weight over night but he didn’t answer. He just kept staring blankly at the wall. I guess he just wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want to talk, so I left him alone.
I saw Kwita this afternoon (a friend of Mobuto of the same age) and we went to the jungle to play. I was a little bit scared at first because of how Stephen was acting yesterday, but I forgot about it after a while.
Kwita told me that earlier that day he saw a monkey eating another monkey! I think he’s lying though. Velvet monkeys (what he saw) are herbivores and that means they do not eat meat. So how could it be eating another monkey? Stephen taught me that. I hope he’s okay.
30/11/90:
I went into Stephen’s room this morning and he wasn’t there? I thought maybe he had felt better today so decided to go outside! I wish he had told me so we could’ve gone to play together!
This was the final diary entry of Mobuto Saleh. On 1st December 1990, in their family home, the bodies of Mobuto Saleh, Iman Saleh and their mother and father were found scattered throughout the house. The crime scene was vicious, and was assumed an animal attack. All the bodies had had their internal organs savagely eaten. That same day, a further 12 bodies were found in the surrounding area - all murdered and gorged upon in a similar fashion.
Local police quickly swarmed the area, looking for who or what could be responsible for the attacks. What they found shocked them. At 10:20pm Stephen Saleh was seen, leaving a local home. He walked slowly out of the house, with blood surrounding his mouth and over his hands and arms. Stephen Saleh was ‘barely recognisable’ as he was said to be incredibly skinny, with open wounds all over his body. He was also naked.
The police began to try and reason with Stephen from a distance, but he simply ignored them and kept walking. One officer opened fire on Stephen, shooting him twice with a pistol - to which Stephen astonishingly had no reaction. After a third shot was fired - again hitting Stephen in the chest - he allegedly turned and began walking towards the police. More police opened fire on Stephen, who continued to stagger towards them. Stephen managed to eventually get his hands on one of the police officers, attempting to then sink his teeth into the officers torso.
He was wrestled to the ground before he could achieve this, and finally stopped moving when a shot was fired to his head. The police and local town were extremely shaken by this, and immediately reported the strange activity to the Rwandan army. The army and local government, allegedly under advice from a scientist, bombed the area and surrounding jungle on the 2nd December 1990. This resulted in countless deaths, but was swept under the rug due to the ongoing civil war and far greater death toll emerging from Kigali every day.
The few who were lucky enough to live and recount the tale of Stephen Saleh, were left baffled for years as to the nature of his crimes and the government’s cruel response. In 2002, a local Rwandan scientist proposed the theory that Stephen Saleh had been turned into a zombie. The Emerald Cockroach Wasp, is a parasitic wasp that has evolved into turning cockroaches into ‘zombies’. The wasp’s initial sting is a paralysing sting, putting the cockroach into a bio-chemically induced state of transient paralysis. This halts the cockroaches movement entirely, allowing the wasp to more accurately locate the victim’s head ganglia for the second sting. The second sting releases venom that blocks receptors for the neurotransmitter octopamine. Essentially, this means the cockroach is under a state of mind control. The wasp then leads the cockroach to a burrow (through chemical secretions that the cockroach follows instinctively now), so it can its larvae in the cockroaches brain in private. The wasp then leaves, it’s work done. The cockroach maintains in a trance-like state for a couple of days while the larvae hatch inside its brain. One the larvae have hatched, they then begin to eat the internal organs of the cockroach. The cockroach, with its octopamine now blocked, is essentially dead anyway. It is now a vehicle for the wasp larvae to control. After the larvae have devoured the cockroaches internal organs. They burrow their way out, as fully grown wasps.
It’s theorised this is what happened to Stephen Saleh, that day on the 25th November - whilst he was seeking his brother. He was likely stung by an emerald cockroach wasp, or a wasp of similar nature. This explains his paralysed state in Mobuto’s diary entries. As well as his self ‘burrowing’, so the wasp can lay its larvae in peace. It also explains his fast weight loss, as he was technically dead at that time - with the wasp larvae devouring his internal organs. Finally, it’s thought that when the wasp larvae have finished the internal organs of the host - if more nutrients is required - they will use the host’s lifeless body to consume the internal organs of others.
But how could a parasitic wasp go from preying on cockroaches to mammals? That’s still unknown. One theory, a likely candidate, is to do with the chemicals that were being sprayed over the Cyangugu jungle in the late 1980s as a form of pesticide. These chemicals were since banned in 1992. It is theorised the chemical sprays contained a property that mutated the Emerald Cockroach Wasp into having venom potent enough to hunt for humans and other primates as their host bodies.
This is likely why the government and army acted fast - burning the whole area - to rid any chance of this mutated wasp continuing this devastating process.
Naturally no bodies of any of the Saleh family or any other of Stephen’s victims could be identified after the fires. The gruesome event was swept under the rug, never making it to mainstream media due to the ongoing civil war in Rwanda overshadowing the horrors and normalising the vast amount of deaths that occurred. It is unsure if Stephen Saleh was the only human victim of the wasp, or if more zombies had been created and not documented.
The only evidence left of the story of the Rwandan Zombies are the charred remains of the diary of Mobuto Saleh and the original police report filings. Many hope this is the first and only reporting of a real life zombie, however I suppose we won’t know - not unless some of the mutated parasitic wasp managed to survive. Perhaps lying dormant, until years later.
submitted by Rukania to scarystories [link] [comments]
A lot of people believe that’s all zombies area: a fictional creature created by the film industry to make millions at the box office. But many would be shocked to learn of the true and terrifying incident that occurred involving said creatures. An incident that was covered up by a coalition of governing bodies in order not to panic the public at the time. The real-life incident involving the Rwandan zombies.
Mobuto Saleh was born on 28th October 1978 in Kigali, Rwanda. At the time, he was the youngest of 4 brothers, all of whom were significantly older than Mobutu. Mobutu grew up through the Rwandan Civil War (which raged violently from 1990 - 1994). During this time his family (including his mother, father and 3 older brothers) would move out of the dangerous capital city to a town called Cyangugu. Cyangugu was, at the time of the move in 1990, relatively safe from the conflict and allowed Mobuto to experience a relatively normal childhood. It also made him extremely close with the youngest of his older brothers, Stephen Saleh.
Stephen Saleh was 10 years older than Mabuto, placing him to be about 22 years old at the time of the incident. Stephen kept a watchful eye over his younger brother, keeping him safe while they went out and played in the streets. Stephen and Mabuto would often visit the local jungle together, spending hours exploring and playing games. Mabuto idolised Stephen, with the 12-year old constantly at the heels of his older brother.
On 26th November 1990 is when the beginning of the horrifying tale would seemingly begin to unravel. All information has been extracted from the diaries of Mabuto Saleh, allowing us to understand the timeline of events that led up to the unfortunate ending.
25/11/90:
Me and Stephen went exploring again today. The news on the radio is all about the war and fighting. I think Stephen can tell that I get scared when they read out the death count and describe what is happening in Kigali. When he sees I’m scared he always suggests that we go and explore the jungle, which is what we did today.
We saw the weirdest thing in the jungle today though. It was a small velvet monkey, we see these quite a lot so that’s not the weird thing. What was weird is he was completely still. We usually see them swinging through the trees, this one wasn’t. He was stood on the floor and was co go and collect some fruit, but when we came back an hour later the monkey was gone? Weird. Completely still. His eyes were open, and he was stood on his hind legs - so definitely alive. Sort of swaying too. But he was just like a statue, me and Stephen watched him for about 20 minutes and then we got really creeped out.
We left to go and collect some fruit, but when we came back an hour later the monkey was gone? Weird.
28/11/90:
Me and Stephen were in jungle again today and he really scared me. We were playing hide and seek and he was the one seeking. I hid in a great spot in the tree, I knew he’d never find me there. I waited for like an hour, and he still didn’t come! I got really bored, so I came down because I thought I must’ve won by now. I couldn’t find him anywhere and I thought maybe he thought he was hiding, until I saw him in a clearing by some trees. He was just stood there really still like a statue. Like that monkey the other day actually. I walked round to the front of him so I could see his face, and he was just staring straight ahead. His eyes were really glassy and bloodshot like he hadn’t blinked in ages. I kept shouting at him ‘Stephen, Stephen! Hello! Hello! Answer me, this isn’t funny!’ - but he just kept still and didn’t say anything. I thought this joke was really not funny, but even when I hit him he didn’t move. I ran off to go and get Iman (another Saleh brother), we came back about 30 minutes later and Stephen was gone! Iman thought we were joking and nearly went home but I started crying and he said he’d help me look for Stephen, because it would get dark soon.
We spent an hour looking for Stephen and couldn’t find him anywhere. I could see Iman getting worried too, but he kept saying ‘I’m sure he’s fine’. It was getting dark when I heard Iman shout ‘Stephen, what the fuck are you doing?!’. I ran over, and Iman was stood over Stephen. Stephen had buried himself in the undergrowth of some bushes and vines. He had covered himself in dirt and leaves, and only parts of his face and arms he hadn’t covered well enough were visible. We knew he buried himself because we could see the mud under his fingernails from where he had dug it up. He still had that look on his face like he hadn’t blinked still. Iman went down to grab Stephen’s shoulder and pull him up, and Stephen snapped out of it and lunged at Iman! He punched him and growled! Then, he calmed down again. Iman looked like his feelings were hurt, but he was fine. He asked Stephen why he did that, and Stephen just replied with ‘I don’t know’. We all walked home in silence. I don’t know what happened, but I hope Stephen is okay tomorrow.
It should also be noted that Stephen Saleh was described as being very mild-mannered until this point, having never been in a fight in his life - let alone striking his own brother.
29/11/90:
I went into Stephen’s room this morning to see if he felt better. He looked awful, he looked like a skeleton, I asked how he lost so much weight over night but he didn’t answer. He just kept staring blankly at the wall. I guess he just wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want to talk, so I left him alone.
I saw Kwita this afternoon (a friend of Mobuto of the same age) and we went to the jungle to play. I was a little bit scared at first because of how Stephen was acting yesterday, but I forgot about it after a while.
Kwita told me that earlier that day he saw a monkey eating another monkey! I think he’s lying though. Velvet monkeys (what he saw) are herbivores and that means they do not eat meat. So how could it be eating another monkey? Stephen taught me that. I hope he’s okay.
30/11/90:
I went into Stephen’s room this morning and he wasn’t there? I thought maybe he had felt better today so decided to go outside! I wish he had told me so we could’ve gone to play together!
This was the final diary entry of Mobuto Saleh. On 1st December 1990, in their family home, the bodies of Mobuto Saleh, Iman Saleh and their mother and father were found scattered throughout the house. The crime scene was vicious, and was assumed an animal attack. All the bodies had had their internal organs savagely eaten. That same day, a further 12 bodies were found in the surrounding area - all murdered and gorged upon in a similar fashion.
Local police quickly swarmed the area, looking for who or what could be responsible for the attacks. What they found shocked them. At 10:20pm Stephen Saleh was seen, leaving a local home. He walked slowly out of the house, with blood surrounding his mouth and over his hands and arms. Stephen Saleh was ‘barely recognisable’ as he was said to be incredibly skinny, with open wounds all over his body. He was also naked.
The police began to try and reason with Stephen from a distance, but he simply ignored them and kept walking. One officer opened fire on Stephen, shooting him twice with a pistol - to which Stephen astonishingly had no reaction. After a third shot was fired - again hitting Stephen in the chest - he allegedly turned and began walking towards the police. More police opened fire on Stephen, who continued to stagger towards them. Stephen managed to eventually get his hands on one of the police officers, attempting to then sink his teeth into the officers torso.
He was wrestled to the ground before he could achieve this, and finally stopped moving when a shot was fired to his head. The police and local town were extremely shaken by this, and immediately reported the strange activity to the Rwandan army. The army and local government, allegedly under advice from a scientist, bombed the area and surrounding jungle on the 2nd December 1990. This resulted in countless deaths, but was swept under the rug due to the ongoing civil war and far greater death toll emerging from Kigali every day.
The few who were lucky enough to live and recount the tale of Stephen Saleh, were left baffled for years as to the nature of his crimes and the government’s cruel response. In 2002, a local Rwandan scientist proposed the theory that Stephen Saleh had been turned into a zombie. The Emerald Cockroach Wasp, is a parasitic wasp that has evolved into turning cockroaches into ‘zombies’. The wasp’s initial sting is a paralysing sting, putting the cockroach into a bio-chemically induced state of transient paralysis. This halts the cockroaches movement entirely, allowing the wasp to more accurately locate the victim’s head ganglia for the second sting. The second sting releases venom that blocks receptors for the neurotransmitter octopamine. Essentially, this means the cockroach is under a state of mind control. The wasp then leads the cockroach to a burrow (through chemical secretions that the cockroach follows instinctively now), so it can its larvae in the cockroaches brain in private. The wasp then leaves, it’s work done. The cockroach maintains in a trance-like state for a couple of days while the larvae hatch inside its brain. One the larvae have hatched, they then begin to eat the internal organs of the cockroach. The cockroach, with its octopamine now blocked, is essentially dead anyway. It is now a vehicle for the wasp larvae to control. After the larvae have devoured the cockroaches internal organs. They burrow their way out, as fully grown wasps.
It’s theorised this is what happened to Stephen Saleh, that day on the 25th November - whilst he was seeking his brother. He was likely stung by an emerald cockroach wasp, or a wasp of similar nature. This explains his paralysed state in Mobuto’s diary entries. As well as his self ‘burrowing’, so the wasp can lay its larvae in peace. It also explains his fast weight loss, as he was technically dead at that time - with the wasp larvae devouring his internal organs. Finally, it’s thought that when the wasp larvae have finished the internal organs of the host - if more nutrients is required - they will use the host’s lifeless body to consume the internal organs of others.
But how could a parasitic wasp go from preying on cockroaches to mammals? That’s still unknown. One theory, a likely candidate, is to do with the chemicals that were being sprayed over the Cyangugu jungle in the late 1980s as a form of pesticide. These chemicals were since banned in 1992. It is theorised the chemical sprays contained a property that mutated the Emerald Cockroach Wasp into having venom potent enough to hunt for humans and other primates as their host bodies.
This is likely why the government and army acted fast - burning the whole area - to rid any chance of this mutated wasp continuing this devastating process.
Naturally no bodies of any of the Saleh family or any other of Stephen’s victims could be identified after the fires. The gruesome event was swept under the rug, never making it to mainstream media due to the ongoing civil war in Rwanda overshadowing the horrors and normalising the vast amount of deaths that occurred. It is unsure if Stephen Saleh was the only human victim of the wasp, or if more zombies had been created and not documented.
The only evidence left of the story of the Rwandan Zombies are the charred remains of the diary of Mobuto Saleh and the original police report filings. Many hope this is the first and only reporting of a real life zombie, however I suppose we won’t know - not unless some of the mutated parasitic wasp managed to survive. Perhaps lying dormant, until years later.
2024.05.10 03:47 incelexcorcist Couldn’t get sterilized in liberal Seattle
Funny how Seattle gets a rep for being liberal and progressive yet as an Asian woman I dealt with so much bs like racism from self proclaimed lefties who posted “BLM” and “Stop Asian Hate” in their IG bios yet treated me and my black friends like shit when nobody else was looking. On top of that, I got so much pushback and bingoes for being childfree.
I tried to schedule an appt with a doctor to get a bisalp from the childfree friendly doctors list on here in Seattle and instead got told, “I should seek mental help instead.” So fucking progressive <3
Long story short, I ended up in Kansas of all places for school and whatnot and was able to FINALLY get my bisalp at 26 here and it was an absolute breeze! The consultation went smoothly and the male doctor understood that women have every right to their choices and bodies. Literally a much better time in a yeehaw state 🙃
It’s been almost a year since my procedure and while I still have my faint scars that itch sometimes, recovery went well and I have so much relief that I never have to worry about getting pregnant. I just hated that a supposedly progressive city like Seattle failed me in that regard and so many other ways.
Also if anyone has any questions about getting sterilized as a woman, feel free to ask!
submitted by incelexcorcist to childfree [link] [comments]
I tried to schedule an appt with a doctor to get a bisalp from the childfree friendly doctors list on here in Seattle and instead got told, “I should seek mental help instead.” So fucking progressive <3
Long story short, I ended up in Kansas of all places for school and whatnot and was able to FINALLY get my bisalp at 26 here and it was an absolute breeze! The consultation went smoothly and the male doctor understood that women have every right to their choices and bodies. Literally a much better time in a yeehaw state 🙃
It’s been almost a year since my procedure and while I still have my faint scars that itch sometimes, recovery went well and I have so much relief that I never have to worry about getting pregnant. I just hated that a supposedly progressive city like Seattle failed me in that regard and so many other ways.
Also if anyone has any questions about getting sterilized as a woman, feel free to ask!
2024.05.09 06:18 Queasy-Performance56 I just found out my Father adopted me
Hi- long time lurker, new poster. As the title suggests, my mom (bio) told me last night that my father adopted me. i am 22 and frankly overwhelmed. I’m flooded with so many new emotions and spent the last 24 hours reflecting and ruminating.
Ive had my suspicions and joked my whole life that there’s no way we’re related, with our lack of resemblance- but now that i know it’s the truth, that joke is a lot less funny..
I appreciate my father for raising me as his first child. but he is also responsible for my PTSD and shared trauma with my brother. I never liked my father, for the things he did to my mother, brother and self.
I feel so lost, overwhelmed and alone. My mom told me this was the biggest family secret, not even her mother knows. I can’t even tell my brother, who I raised through my parents fights and battles with addiction. It hurts a lot.
I would really appreciate some advice, perspective , or someone to talk to. thank you:)
submitted by Queasy-Performance56 to Adopted [link] [comments]
Ive had my suspicions and joked my whole life that there’s no way we’re related, with our lack of resemblance- but now that i know it’s the truth, that joke is a lot less funny..
I appreciate my father for raising me as his first child. but he is also responsible for my PTSD and shared trauma with my brother. I never liked my father, for the things he did to my mother, brother and self.
I feel so lost, overwhelmed and alone. My mom told me this was the biggest family secret, not even her mother knows. I can’t even tell my brother, who I raised through my parents fights and battles with addiction. It hurts a lot.
I would really appreciate some advice, perspective , or someone to talk to. thank you:)
2024.05.08 04:39 lewnos28 The similarities between Nell Diamond (Hill House) and Rebecca Hessel Cohen (Love Shack Fancy)
I’ve been thinking a lot about how similar these two brand founders are lately and what’s funny is that both would absolutely die to be compared to the other.
Founders of ultra feminine fashion brands with a devoted following. Both lines are heavily centered around dresses.
Both truly believe in their hearts they’ve invented the bow. Their brands are based heavily around ultra feminine styles and both have claimed multiple times on social that they invented the bow. You really can’t make this shit up. This one is the kicker for me and got me thinking about this. Imagine being a grown woman thinking you legitimately invited the BOW?
Nell and Rebecca are both obsessed with being the faces of their brands and use their brands to promote themselves (of course vice versa too, but this is a snark page) — such as having their personal Instagram handles in their brand account’s bio as the founder. Big self promotion energy.
They are a few years apart - I believe Nell is 35 and RHC just turned 37?
They both live in west village townhouses with their young families.
Come from super rich families which has clearly helped them with the capital to start and grow their brands.
And on the rich part, are always vacationing in similar spots, like Deer Valley, Jackson, Courchevel, Harbour Island, etc
Anyway, that’s a lot, but what else did I miss? I’m not saying I like or dislike either, it just got me thinking about how similar they are and that they would die to be compared to each other. There’s actually quite a bit of overlap and I’m surprised they don’t interact at all or appear to know each other.
submitted by lewnos28 to NYCinfluencersnark [link] [comments]
Founders of ultra feminine fashion brands with a devoted following. Both lines are heavily centered around dresses.
Both truly believe in their hearts they’ve invented the bow. Their brands are based heavily around ultra feminine styles and both have claimed multiple times on social that they invented the bow. You really can’t make this shit up. This one is the kicker for me and got me thinking about this. Imagine being a grown woman thinking you legitimately invited the BOW?
Nell and Rebecca are both obsessed with being the faces of their brands and use their brands to promote themselves (of course vice versa too, but this is a snark page) — such as having their personal Instagram handles in their brand account’s bio as the founder. Big self promotion energy.
They are a few years apart - I believe Nell is 35 and RHC just turned 37?
They both live in west village townhouses with their young families.
Come from super rich families which has clearly helped them with the capital to start and grow their brands.
And on the rich part, are always vacationing in similar spots, like Deer Valley, Jackson, Courchevel, Harbour Island, etc
Anyway, that’s a lot, but what else did I miss? I’m not saying I like or dislike either, it just got me thinking about how similar they are and that they would die to be compared to each other. There’s actually quite a bit of overlap and I’m surprised they don’t interact at all or appear to know each other.
2024.05.08 03:53 One-Inflation2417 I am tired of my parents
This a rant because I can't rant to any of my friends because they would not get any of this so I need an outlet to let my anger out and I choose you guys <3
Ok so backstory I am a sophomore right now and I live in michigan. We moved here from India when I was starting my freshman year and my brother who is 4 years older than me was starting college in michigan state. So throughout my life, my brother has been seen as this exceptional wonderful magical child by both my parents and I have been, well, average. Now mind you, im not actually average. Not to like boats or anything but I used to get really good grades in India, and I am crushing it in school over here, on top of doing like a million extracurriculars. But of course, in my parents' eyes I am just an average student who got 'lucky' when we moved here because I would not be able to handle the school system in India. literally what the fuck. they have said this to me a million times, and even in front of guests. im literally taking ap chem, apush and ap bio rn, and im gonna be taking 5 aps next year, along with self studying for two more, along with doing dual enrollment and taking organic chem and molecular biology in our community college. This is way harder than what people do in India, and I am doing this on top of being on two varsity sports teams, being on student council, and being a board member of my club. I go to school at 6:50 am, and come home at 4:30, sometimes 6:30 if I have a match in tennis (which is very often), and then I relax for maybe 15 or 30 minutes, then I grind for my ap tests. And they still don't think I am smart. I mean I can't even anymore. In India there is this test called the board exams, which is kind of like the SAT but its all subjects and its way harder, and the results of all of my friends in India came and my mom was talking to me about them, and then I asked 'oh what do you think I would have gotten' and then she went on a whole rant about how average people are the ones who actually succeed in life and that you shouldn't feel bad about your grades or whatever, and she completely avoided answering my question. ARE YOU ACTUALLY JOKING. I am here busting my ass every single day just to please you guys, just so I can get into university of michigan, just so that I can at least compare a little bit to my amazing exceptional brother who can never do anything wrong in life, and you call me average. to my face. and then she acts like everything is normal. and of course if I cry I will be seen as an emotional bitch who takes everything to heart. I mean I don't understand why they don't think more of me. I mean I am crushing it in ap chem, and things we learn in that class isn't even what they teach in India until like 12th grade okay. I mean my brother himself told me that equilibrium and the weak acid base stuff is hard, but they don't care. not to put my brother down or anything, but he is not that smart okay. I mean he is intelligent but he is not a go getter. I swear to god my parents coddle him for everything, and they provide oppuritnies for him, meanwhile I have to make my own opportunities. I was so scared my freshman year going into high school knowing absolutely no one, but I managed to make so many friends and got myself elected on student council. it might be a big deal in like other schools, but there is so much competition for that position in my school, and I got on it. I poured my heart out into writing my essay and campaigning, and when I won, guess what their reaction was. 'oh that's nice'. I mean do you care about me at all? Every time I tell them about the stuff we do in ap bio, like the fascinating things we learn, they don't care. actually I dont even think they listen to me. every time I try to talk to my dad he is always on his phone. he doesn't even look up when im talking to him. and my mom interrupts me whenever I talk to tell me something stupid like 'oh that's nice but what do you want for dinner'. ARE YOU JOKING? I mean how much more can I actually do to make you happy with me? just once I want them to brag about me to their friends, tell their friends how amazing I am and how I am doing so many things and taking so many classes. I originally wanted to be a lawyer okay, but of course my parents thought that was a stupid profession that only dumb people take, so I moved to becoming a doctor. I actually like science tho so its fine. but they still dont care. I mean I am literally doing what they want me to do and they dont care. I mean I feel like everything I do just doesn't matter. it literally does not matter. I could flunk out of school and they would not care. I could discover the cure for cancer and they would not care. why literally why are they like this. my brother is doing fucking weed in college and not keeping a 4.0 gpa in college, even though he is at michigan state, meanwhile I am starting college at 16 years old, and they don't care. I have been talking about my ap tests for like the past 2 weeks stressing out about that, and then I told my mom to call me out of school Friday in the afternoon (cause my apush test is in the morning), and she's like 'oh you have a test? I didn't know that'. yeah thanks a lot mom. I've only been talking about this and studying every single day for a month, but I understand that you have more important things to worry about than your own daughter's life. thanks a lot. I tell my dad about things going on in my school and of course he does not care either. first he replies after 3 business days because he is always on his stupid fucking phone, and then when he finally does reply after 500 hours of me waiting, he is like 'oh that's nice' or he won't even say anything, he will just chuckle. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. DOES NOTHING I DO MATTER TO YOU. WHY AM I DOING THIS. LITERALLY WHY. WHY AM I WORKING SO HARD TO PLEASE YOU WHEN YOU DONT EVEN CARE ABOUT MY FUCKING LIFE. WHY. I could literally become president and they won't care. I mean I dont understand what more I can do about it. and they don't even hide it. and the worst part is I do so much for them. I help my mom with her household stuff so much, and I even help her with her classes (she is doing a degree from the community college). no joke I legit do her assignments for her sometimes because she doesn't know how to do them. I take time out of my extremely busy schedule to do HER WORK. and she doesn't even say thank you. I plan all of our vacations, we are planning to buy a house so I fucking look for houses, and I schedule appointments with our realtor for it, I scan and submit all of the legal document shit for my dad, I fucking do everything. and on top of that I have to do my own stuff, which actually they are supposed to do. I mean I am literally an adult at this point and they still treat me like a child. actually no they don't treat me like a child. they dont treat me like a human. they treat me like a background character. their own child is a background character. of course not my brother, not the amazing angel child, and every time I try to bring this up or whatever they shut me down. I mean its kind of ridiculous at this point. I feel like I will never satisfy them. I could literally go to Harvard and be a medical prodigy, find the cure for cancer, find the cure for alzehimers, fucking become dictator of the world (that's a joke I don't condone dictatorship) and they still wouldn't care. its honestly funny at this point. well anyway I just wasted 30 mins of my life typing this out. don't feel like you have to read it, but if you came this far you probably read it already. oh well. bye guys and good luck on your aps. <3
submitted by One-Inflation2417 to APStudents [link] [comments]
Ok so backstory I am a sophomore right now and I live in michigan. We moved here from India when I was starting my freshman year and my brother who is 4 years older than me was starting college in michigan state. So throughout my life, my brother has been seen as this exceptional wonderful magical child by both my parents and I have been, well, average. Now mind you, im not actually average. Not to like boats or anything but I used to get really good grades in India, and I am crushing it in school over here, on top of doing like a million extracurriculars. But of course, in my parents' eyes I am just an average student who got 'lucky' when we moved here because I would not be able to handle the school system in India. literally what the fuck. they have said this to me a million times, and even in front of guests. im literally taking ap chem, apush and ap bio rn, and im gonna be taking 5 aps next year, along with self studying for two more, along with doing dual enrollment and taking organic chem and molecular biology in our community college. This is way harder than what people do in India, and I am doing this on top of being on two varsity sports teams, being on student council, and being a board member of my club. I go to school at 6:50 am, and come home at 4:30, sometimes 6:30 if I have a match in tennis (which is very often), and then I relax for maybe 15 or 30 minutes, then I grind for my ap tests. And they still don't think I am smart. I mean I can't even anymore. In India there is this test called the board exams, which is kind of like the SAT but its all subjects and its way harder, and the results of all of my friends in India came and my mom was talking to me about them, and then I asked 'oh what do you think I would have gotten' and then she went on a whole rant about how average people are the ones who actually succeed in life and that you shouldn't feel bad about your grades or whatever, and she completely avoided answering my question. ARE YOU ACTUALLY JOKING. I am here busting my ass every single day just to please you guys, just so I can get into university of michigan, just so that I can at least compare a little bit to my amazing exceptional brother who can never do anything wrong in life, and you call me average. to my face. and then she acts like everything is normal. and of course if I cry I will be seen as an emotional bitch who takes everything to heart. I mean I don't understand why they don't think more of me. I mean I am crushing it in ap chem, and things we learn in that class isn't even what they teach in India until like 12th grade okay. I mean my brother himself told me that equilibrium and the weak acid base stuff is hard, but they don't care. not to put my brother down or anything, but he is not that smart okay. I mean he is intelligent but he is not a go getter. I swear to god my parents coddle him for everything, and they provide oppuritnies for him, meanwhile I have to make my own opportunities. I was so scared my freshman year going into high school knowing absolutely no one, but I managed to make so many friends and got myself elected on student council. it might be a big deal in like other schools, but there is so much competition for that position in my school, and I got on it. I poured my heart out into writing my essay and campaigning, and when I won, guess what their reaction was. 'oh that's nice'. I mean do you care about me at all? Every time I tell them about the stuff we do in ap bio, like the fascinating things we learn, they don't care. actually I dont even think they listen to me. every time I try to talk to my dad he is always on his phone. he doesn't even look up when im talking to him. and my mom interrupts me whenever I talk to tell me something stupid like 'oh that's nice but what do you want for dinner'. ARE YOU JOKING? I mean how much more can I actually do to make you happy with me? just once I want them to brag about me to their friends, tell their friends how amazing I am and how I am doing so many things and taking so many classes. I originally wanted to be a lawyer okay, but of course my parents thought that was a stupid profession that only dumb people take, so I moved to becoming a doctor. I actually like science tho so its fine. but they still dont care. I mean I am literally doing what they want me to do and they dont care. I mean I feel like everything I do just doesn't matter. it literally does not matter. I could flunk out of school and they would not care. I could discover the cure for cancer and they would not care. why literally why are they like this. my brother is doing fucking weed in college and not keeping a 4.0 gpa in college, even though he is at michigan state, meanwhile I am starting college at 16 years old, and they don't care. I have been talking about my ap tests for like the past 2 weeks stressing out about that, and then I told my mom to call me out of school Friday in the afternoon (cause my apush test is in the morning), and she's like 'oh you have a test? I didn't know that'. yeah thanks a lot mom. I've only been talking about this and studying every single day for a month, but I understand that you have more important things to worry about than your own daughter's life. thanks a lot. I tell my dad about things going on in my school and of course he does not care either. first he replies after 3 business days because he is always on his stupid fucking phone, and then when he finally does reply after 500 hours of me waiting, he is like 'oh that's nice' or he won't even say anything, he will just chuckle. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. DOES NOTHING I DO MATTER TO YOU. WHY AM I DOING THIS. LITERALLY WHY. WHY AM I WORKING SO HARD TO PLEASE YOU WHEN YOU DONT EVEN CARE ABOUT MY FUCKING LIFE. WHY. I could literally become president and they won't care. I mean I dont understand what more I can do about it. and they don't even hide it. and the worst part is I do so much for them. I help my mom with her household stuff so much, and I even help her with her classes (she is doing a degree from the community college). no joke I legit do her assignments for her sometimes because she doesn't know how to do them. I take time out of my extremely busy schedule to do HER WORK. and she doesn't even say thank you. I plan all of our vacations, we are planning to buy a house so I fucking look for houses, and I schedule appointments with our realtor for it, I scan and submit all of the legal document shit for my dad, I fucking do everything. and on top of that I have to do my own stuff, which actually they are supposed to do. I mean I am literally an adult at this point and they still treat me like a child. actually no they don't treat me like a child. they dont treat me like a human. they treat me like a background character. their own child is a background character. of course not my brother, not the amazing angel child, and every time I try to bring this up or whatever they shut me down. I mean its kind of ridiculous at this point. I feel like I will never satisfy them. I could literally go to Harvard and be a medical prodigy, find the cure for cancer, find the cure for alzehimers, fucking become dictator of the world (that's a joke I don't condone dictatorship) and they still wouldn't care. its honestly funny at this point. well anyway I just wasted 30 mins of my life typing this out. don't feel like you have to read it, but if you came this far you probably read it already. oh well. bye guys and good luck on your aps. <3
2024.05.08 00:23 werton99 My Experience with Relationships as a Person with ASD
Hi everyone,
Long time listener, first time caller. A joke from calling into radio stations. Despite the dated joke, I am a man in my mids 20s. I was born right before the turn of the century so I got to grow up as the digital age was developing. I knew I was different growing up but I never really knew why until I was about twelve. I remember talking to Child Study professionals from ages 4-12. I got modified assignments, I got put into another room during tests and got extra time. It was only during a routine check up did I learn of my diagnosis. "So how's the Aspergers?" An awkward question that I had no answer to but my mom answered like it was nothing. I asked her on the car ride and that opened Pandora's Box. I started doing more research. I started connecting dots. I was happy I could make sense of why the world didn't seem to make sense through my eyes. The bullying sucked I will admit but I at least I knew why. The almost obsessive interests in Pokemon and Digimon, the tendency to hyperfixate on things, the random repeating of phrases. But my sudden clarity would become a blessing and a curse. Through the trials and tribulations of the American public school system, I slowly became more self-aware of my behavior. Why didn't I fit in quite as easily as others? Sure there are a lot of kids that are awkward and get made fun of for their character quirks that don't have ASD. But I wanted to be accepted. So I slowly took bits and pieces from friends who were in the cooler social circles. I used to laugh at everything, not knowing when a joke started and ended, and got made fun of. So I learned to look for the minor inflections in voices that denotes a laugh. I learned to use my dry manner of speak to my advantage. I copied mannerisms, became hyperaware of my body language. I started masking. I still made social faux pas but it was mitigated. I count myself lucky that I had a large, diverse group of friends I could be myself around. But along the way, I lost sight of who that person truly was. I spent so long with the mask up that I wasn't sure if there was a real person underneath. MAsking your quirks makes you hyperaware, hypervigilant. I developed social anxiety and became self-conscious about how I was being perceived at any given moment. I have since worked on this in therapy and am doing better but it has been a long road.
Growing up, my mom had to facilitate a lot of my friendships until about 5th grade. She wanted to make sure I was developing as much as I could. I was a hyperactive kid who would not shut up about my special interests. Luckily, the friends I made shared those same interests. I had a friend who I knew since kindergarten. We would go to each other's houses all the time. We would gush over Power Rangers. It was a particularly big special interest for me and it was freeing to be able to talk about. Unfortunately, as we grew older, we slowly grew apart. He became more interested in fitting in. He would often say "You are obsessed" and "that stuff is for kids" even though we were 8, 9, 10 years old. The things I was into became frowned upon. So I hid them. I would get made fun of but he never outwardly defend me. I still considered him my best friend. But I think I stopped being his. We are still friends but not as close as we used to be. My outlook on life is very simple and tends to be black and white. If we have a few decent interactions and connect on a single interest, I consider you a friend. Understanding the nuance between acquaintance and friend can be difficult at times. I don't do well with change. The people you think are going to be in your life forever may not be there in a few years. That hurt to learn. Learning that people grow and change into adulthood hurts too. Things aren't the same as they were when you were young. But I still want to just play video games, play with imaginary friends and just hang out like we did 10 years ago. It hurts that people don't share the same thoughts on consistency like me. But Individuals are allowed to be just that, individual. Again, I am lucky enough to have found people that like me for me. I played soccer at the collegiate level and met lifelong friends through it. I was able to find people that accepted me with all of my perceived flaws and quirks. I came to terms with the fickleness of human personality and understood that others are dealing with their own stuff too. Im still anxious but I feel more comfortable in my own skin.
Now, of course, if you expecting to hear something about romantic relationships, we have finally arrived. I just wanted to give some context. Of course, I did overexplain some things but I digress. Growing up, I was a romantic cynic on the outside, and a hopeless romantic on the inside. I always wanted love but yet never understood how to get it. I watched a lot of television and played a lot of games. I am naturally introverted and am often in my own head rather than reality. I used to daydream about being a relationship all the time. I would develop crushes and think I was going to spend my life with the person. Yes even at 8 years old. I would build up the courage and confess my affection through notes or through someone else. But I never really knew the other person. I was falling in love with a idea. I liked the idea of love. Someone who is there for you. To help comfort you when you're sad. They make you happy and you get to kiss all the time. But that way of thinking is selfish. You are taking the other person out the equation and you are constructing a person that will compensate your feelings of loneliness. It's not totally a bad thing. I can be nice to escape from reality from time to time. But at some point, you have to come back. Which sucks. But I learned this the hard way. And sometimes, that's the only way. Women, men or any person you are trying to date have their own thoughts, emotions, wants and needs. You can't expect a blank canvas. As a man, I was lucky to have female friends who could give me a perspective on life as a women. The do and don'ts of courting, be respectful and taking rejection in stride. I started college thinking every thing would be different. I would start dating with this new rubric. I met someone who seem to fit every category. She also played soccer, she was in the same major and I found her attractive (she wore glasses, that's a thing for me). I will say I had a very low threshold for attraction. We were snapchating, talking every day and we became pretty good friends. In retrospect, the relationship was a little one-sided as I was more a person to vent to, but I digress. I was convinced that things were going well. I confessed one night after mustering up all my courage (notice the pattern?). She said maybe. People, if you get a maybe, take it as a NO and try to move on. I latched on that maybe and selfishly thought 'She'll come around, eventually'. I made sure stay respectful. I asked her out a few times but did not a committal response. One night, I had helped her walk a friend home from a party. We ran into some friends of hers and they asked "is that your boooooyfriend", like a child. She responded with an "Ew no" and we moved on. After taking some time, I realized that I needed to exercise some self-respect. I sent a text explaining that I liked being her friend and I did not want to lose that. But I still liked her romatically so i needed time and space to work that out. I had been falling for the surface level things we had in common and we never connected any deeper. I grew from the experience and learned that, for me at least, a relationship should have a basis in friendship. Love your partner, but you should also like your partner too. Also, for all the young men who are attracted to women out there, you can be friends with the other sex without expecting sex or a relationship. As I stated, I benefitted by the different perspectives of the friends I had made. My first relationship ended up being with a women I had made friends with freshmen year of college.
I had a lot of bad luck with romance all throughout my schooling days. Most of it was my fault, given I never really knew the people i had crushes on. In college, it was more out of my control. I used dating apps (every one you could think of) and didn't have much success. I worked on myself and slowly improved my dating profile. I tried the direct approach, giving a personal description that almost exceeded the character count. I wanted to make sure the other person knew as much about me as possible. That didn't seem to work so I tried the witty line. That kinda worked but not by much. I got few matches that didn't go anywhere. I got a date once but the person on the profile didn't really look like it in real life. That and we didn't really have anything in common. I will say I did not deal with that the most mature way (ghosted). Don't do that, I'm not proud of it but live and learn. The next time I asked somebody out, they texted me the morning after at 3 am to tell me they are getting back with their ex and she subsequently tried to set me up with a friend out of pity. I could only laugh. At that point, I decided to give up on love. It wasn't meant for me. I got too many quirks and idiosyncracies. I don't deserve love. I'm just a wast...and the spiral continued. Funny enough, I decided to download Tinder for umpteenth time at the beginning of junior year. I swiped on a friend that I made freshman year who I had been attracted but never acted on it. She had a boyfriend at the time so I just let it go. She, her friends and I were often studying in the same common area and developed a rapport. They were Bio majors so I didn't have any classes in common with them my sophomore year. I would always say hi in passing and stop for small talk here and there but nothing major. I was surprised when she matched with me. It was a surreal feeling. Does someone that I like like me back? This was unprecedented. I felt like I made progress. Maybe people like me can find someone. But I didn't want to get my hopes up. She could have swiped because we knew each other (I don't know what that means either but it's what I thought). Then we talked. and talked some more. And some more. I never asked for advice from friends. I tried to be as authentic as possible. It turns out I am pretty witty over text. I was (and still am) oblivious to signs of attractions, given it had never been reciprocated before. She actually asked me to see a scary movie together. I made a comment about scarying easily and she said I could hold her hand if I get jumpy. Well that is the most obvious sign I could get. Date goes well, We start studying together. I actually initiated a snuggle as we watched a movie. RED ALERT, physical contact with a romantic interest. Wooooo! One day we are hanging out and tells me that her friends had said that they wished that they could find a guy like me back then. That helped my self-esteem immensely. I felt comfortable disclosing my ASD after she asked why I wasn't the party type of person. Too loud, too many smells, too crowded. She was receptive and understanding. I was estatic. I was doing the impossible, in my eyes. I had a lot of firsts in a short amount of time. Specifically, in the physical department. I got my first kiss, and some touchy-feelies of private parts in one night. Things were happening fast. I got asked to define the relationship AFTER my first time. That was a very awkward time to be asked this question. But I wanted to be with her so... yeah. I did everything I could to be a good boyfriend. Be supportive, try to hang out when I can, make time for her and make sure that I try to be the best person I can be. Unfortunately, some things are out of your control. After a month, there had been a bit of distance. I was oblivious to it; I was so focused on being the perfect boyfriend. One day, we were trying to pick something to watch and we couldn't decide on anything. She didn't like anime and I didn't want to watch baking shows. She asked me if something felt off between us. I didn't think so but she did. She essentially told me that she wasn't falling in love with and she didn't think she would. I was blindsided. I accepted it, I couldn't really blame her. I didn't do anything wrong. But those thoughts started to come back. "See, you don't deserve it and you never did", "the other foot was going to drop eventually", "too good to be true", etc. I spiralled. I was a mess for months. I finally got diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I started taking meds. I started therapy. Eventually, I got better and felt ready to try again.
I was a bit jaded butwanted to start putting myself out there, slowly. This time, I chose a combination of witty honesty for my Tinder profile. Something like looking for wholesome connections on Tinder may not be the best, but I am naive. Then I met HER. Oh man, what a looker. And would you believe she messaged me first? She was refreshed by my honesty and thought I was attractive. Woah. Now this is 4 months from when my first relationship ended. I wanted to take things slow. I told myself that I would make sure I truly connected with someone before getting into a relationship. So that's what I did. We talked every day, really getting to know each other. We had similar interests and some different ones. She is brutally honest and straightforward just like me. She is confident and funny, but she had such a capacity for empathy and understanding. They say you should never have your standards too high. I had always felt like mine were, given I spent years in my own head, crafting the perfect person. But, imagine, you meet someone who fits so closely to almost every criteria? We became good friends. I slowly opened up more. That includes complimenting her, believe or not. I tend to come on strong in most situations so I tried to be more reserved. She has such a beautiful smile. Anyway, i digress. I started to realize that I was falling for her. Hard. Not like before though. Like I wake up and think about her. Go to bed and think about her. We started talking over winter break while I was at home. We were long distance but I would come back every other week. Our first date was at....a movie (original I know). I was very nervous because I really liked her, I wanted it to go well..and we were also horny people in their early twenties who may or may not planned to do the deed in the parking lot. Which was not great because again, I was nervous. But things got better. She became my girlfriend. The bad thoughts went away. I fell in love. Let me tell you, it feels great. Plus, lockdown happened towards the beginning of our relationship. So we got to see each other super often. Inseperable. We knew that we would marry each other. We found our person. 4 years later, now its happily ever after. Except life isn't a fairy tale. Nothing to celebrate on my anniversary, no one to see on Valentine's Day. We went on a break in Spetmeber to work on ourselves. We became co-depepndent. She had mental health challenges that I couldn't fix. I couldn't make it better. No matter how hard i tried. We were our own support system. But she was the love of my life and I wasn't going to give up. But then she broke up with me in October. She fell out of love. She called me the next day and changed her mind. She made a mistake. I have a girlfriend again. Two days later, she broke up with me again. She made a mistake in making a mistake. Fast forward a month, her birthday is coming up. I still check up on her story on Insta. It would be the first I missed. I had sent her a letter to get closure. She responded. We talk. Im just happy to hear her voice. two days later, she misses me and wants to come back. I'm happy. My whole outlook changes. I can listen to music again. We plan on spend thanksgiving together. Things are gonna back to normal. I stayed up all night the night before I pick her up from school. I'm too excited. Then the text. "I think Im running away from my problems please don't come". She blocks me again. We talk. If she is going to come back, she wants to come back better. She doesn't want me to wait and if I find somebody else....I stopped her. I only wanted to be with her. I wont wait but I will always keep the door open for her. She is worth it. But I lied. I lied to her but more importantly, I lied to myself. I was telling myself I was getting better. I downloaded apps again. I started working out again. Im moving on. No, I waited. I put my life on hold. Waiting. For just one phone call. One text. I get the love of my life back. Today, I saw a picture of her kissing another guy. She was happy. She was better. He looked like I did when I was with her. I reached out. I wanted to scream. I wanted to yell. But I couldn't. Because love is unconditional. I love her and I always will. But with love comes loss. Love means being happy for her even if it's not with me. Love is not some emotion that makes you want to have sex and kiss. Love is commitment. Love is doing the little things. Love is being there even when you are mad at each other. Love is not standing in the way of your loved ones happiness. Love is hard. Love is not a feeling. I have a hard time with feelings. I can;t understand them half the time. But I know what love is. I had it and I lost it. It's soul crushing and it's not fair. But Love....is knowing when to let go. I hope I can find it again someday. But for now, I have to stop waiting.
submitted by werton99 to autism [link] [comments]
Long time listener, first time caller. A joke from calling into radio stations. Despite the dated joke, I am a man in my mids 20s. I was born right before the turn of the century so I got to grow up as the digital age was developing. I knew I was different growing up but I never really knew why until I was about twelve. I remember talking to Child Study professionals from ages 4-12. I got modified assignments, I got put into another room during tests and got extra time. It was only during a routine check up did I learn of my diagnosis. "So how's the Aspergers?" An awkward question that I had no answer to but my mom answered like it was nothing. I asked her on the car ride and that opened Pandora's Box. I started doing more research. I started connecting dots. I was happy I could make sense of why the world didn't seem to make sense through my eyes. The bullying sucked I will admit but I at least I knew why. The almost obsessive interests in Pokemon and Digimon, the tendency to hyperfixate on things, the random repeating of phrases. But my sudden clarity would become a blessing and a curse. Through the trials and tribulations of the American public school system, I slowly became more self-aware of my behavior. Why didn't I fit in quite as easily as others? Sure there are a lot of kids that are awkward and get made fun of for their character quirks that don't have ASD. But I wanted to be accepted. So I slowly took bits and pieces from friends who were in the cooler social circles. I used to laugh at everything, not knowing when a joke started and ended, and got made fun of. So I learned to look for the minor inflections in voices that denotes a laugh. I learned to use my dry manner of speak to my advantage. I copied mannerisms, became hyperaware of my body language. I started masking. I still made social faux pas but it was mitigated. I count myself lucky that I had a large, diverse group of friends I could be myself around. But along the way, I lost sight of who that person truly was. I spent so long with the mask up that I wasn't sure if there was a real person underneath. MAsking your quirks makes you hyperaware, hypervigilant. I developed social anxiety and became self-conscious about how I was being perceived at any given moment. I have since worked on this in therapy and am doing better but it has been a long road.
Growing up, my mom had to facilitate a lot of my friendships until about 5th grade. She wanted to make sure I was developing as much as I could. I was a hyperactive kid who would not shut up about my special interests. Luckily, the friends I made shared those same interests. I had a friend who I knew since kindergarten. We would go to each other's houses all the time. We would gush over Power Rangers. It was a particularly big special interest for me and it was freeing to be able to talk about. Unfortunately, as we grew older, we slowly grew apart. He became more interested in fitting in. He would often say "You are obsessed" and "that stuff is for kids" even though we were 8, 9, 10 years old. The things I was into became frowned upon. So I hid them. I would get made fun of but he never outwardly defend me. I still considered him my best friend. But I think I stopped being his. We are still friends but not as close as we used to be. My outlook on life is very simple and tends to be black and white. If we have a few decent interactions and connect on a single interest, I consider you a friend. Understanding the nuance between acquaintance and friend can be difficult at times. I don't do well with change. The people you think are going to be in your life forever may not be there in a few years. That hurt to learn. Learning that people grow and change into adulthood hurts too. Things aren't the same as they were when you were young. But I still want to just play video games, play with imaginary friends and just hang out like we did 10 years ago. It hurts that people don't share the same thoughts on consistency like me. But Individuals are allowed to be just that, individual. Again, I am lucky enough to have found people that like me for me. I played soccer at the collegiate level and met lifelong friends through it. I was able to find people that accepted me with all of my perceived flaws and quirks. I came to terms with the fickleness of human personality and understood that others are dealing with their own stuff too. Im still anxious but I feel more comfortable in my own skin.
Now, of course, if you expecting to hear something about romantic relationships, we have finally arrived. I just wanted to give some context. Of course, I did overexplain some things but I digress. Growing up, I was a romantic cynic on the outside, and a hopeless romantic on the inside. I always wanted love but yet never understood how to get it. I watched a lot of television and played a lot of games. I am naturally introverted and am often in my own head rather than reality. I used to daydream about being a relationship all the time. I would develop crushes and think I was going to spend my life with the person. Yes even at 8 years old. I would build up the courage and confess my affection through notes or through someone else. But I never really knew the other person. I was falling in love with a idea. I liked the idea of love. Someone who is there for you. To help comfort you when you're sad. They make you happy and you get to kiss all the time. But that way of thinking is selfish. You are taking the other person out the equation and you are constructing a person that will compensate your feelings of loneliness. It's not totally a bad thing. I can be nice to escape from reality from time to time. But at some point, you have to come back. Which sucks. But I learned this the hard way. And sometimes, that's the only way. Women, men or any person you are trying to date have their own thoughts, emotions, wants and needs. You can't expect a blank canvas. As a man, I was lucky to have female friends who could give me a perspective on life as a women. The do and don'ts of courting, be respectful and taking rejection in stride. I started college thinking every thing would be different. I would start dating with this new rubric. I met someone who seem to fit every category. She also played soccer, she was in the same major and I found her attractive (she wore glasses, that's a thing for me). I will say I had a very low threshold for attraction. We were snapchating, talking every day and we became pretty good friends. In retrospect, the relationship was a little one-sided as I was more a person to vent to, but I digress. I was convinced that things were going well. I confessed one night after mustering up all my courage (notice the pattern?). She said maybe. People, if you get a maybe, take it as a NO and try to move on. I latched on that maybe and selfishly thought 'She'll come around, eventually'. I made sure stay respectful. I asked her out a few times but did not a committal response. One night, I had helped her walk a friend home from a party. We ran into some friends of hers and they asked "is that your boooooyfriend", like a child. She responded with an "Ew no" and we moved on. After taking some time, I realized that I needed to exercise some self-respect. I sent a text explaining that I liked being her friend and I did not want to lose that. But I still liked her romatically so i needed time and space to work that out. I had been falling for the surface level things we had in common and we never connected any deeper. I grew from the experience and learned that, for me at least, a relationship should have a basis in friendship. Love your partner, but you should also like your partner too. Also, for all the young men who are attracted to women out there, you can be friends with the other sex without expecting sex or a relationship. As I stated, I benefitted by the different perspectives of the friends I had made. My first relationship ended up being with a women I had made friends with freshmen year of college.
I had a lot of bad luck with romance all throughout my schooling days. Most of it was my fault, given I never really knew the people i had crushes on. In college, it was more out of my control. I used dating apps (every one you could think of) and didn't have much success. I worked on myself and slowly improved my dating profile. I tried the direct approach, giving a personal description that almost exceeded the character count. I wanted to make sure the other person knew as much about me as possible. That didn't seem to work so I tried the witty line. That kinda worked but not by much. I got few matches that didn't go anywhere. I got a date once but the person on the profile didn't really look like it in real life. That and we didn't really have anything in common. I will say I did not deal with that the most mature way (ghosted). Don't do that, I'm not proud of it but live and learn. The next time I asked somebody out, they texted me the morning after at 3 am to tell me they are getting back with their ex and she subsequently tried to set me up with a friend out of pity. I could only laugh. At that point, I decided to give up on love. It wasn't meant for me. I got too many quirks and idiosyncracies. I don't deserve love. I'm just a wast...and the spiral continued. Funny enough, I decided to download Tinder for umpteenth time at the beginning of junior year. I swiped on a friend that I made freshman year who I had been attracted but never acted on it. She had a boyfriend at the time so I just let it go. She, her friends and I were often studying in the same common area and developed a rapport. They were Bio majors so I didn't have any classes in common with them my sophomore year. I would always say hi in passing and stop for small talk here and there but nothing major. I was surprised when she matched with me. It was a surreal feeling. Does someone that I like like me back? This was unprecedented. I felt like I made progress. Maybe people like me can find someone. But I didn't want to get my hopes up. She could have swiped because we knew each other (I don't know what that means either but it's what I thought). Then we talked. and talked some more. And some more. I never asked for advice from friends. I tried to be as authentic as possible. It turns out I am pretty witty over text. I was (and still am) oblivious to signs of attractions, given it had never been reciprocated before. She actually asked me to see a scary movie together. I made a comment about scarying easily and she said I could hold her hand if I get jumpy. Well that is the most obvious sign I could get. Date goes well, We start studying together. I actually initiated a snuggle as we watched a movie. RED ALERT, physical contact with a romantic interest. Wooooo! One day we are hanging out and tells me that her friends had said that they wished that they could find a guy like me back then. That helped my self-esteem immensely. I felt comfortable disclosing my ASD after she asked why I wasn't the party type of person. Too loud, too many smells, too crowded. She was receptive and understanding. I was estatic. I was doing the impossible, in my eyes. I had a lot of firsts in a short amount of time. Specifically, in the physical department. I got my first kiss, and some touchy-feelies of private parts in one night. Things were happening fast. I got asked to define the relationship AFTER my first time. That was a very awkward time to be asked this question. But I wanted to be with her so... yeah. I did everything I could to be a good boyfriend. Be supportive, try to hang out when I can, make time for her and make sure that I try to be the best person I can be. Unfortunately, some things are out of your control. After a month, there had been a bit of distance. I was oblivious to it; I was so focused on being the perfect boyfriend. One day, we were trying to pick something to watch and we couldn't decide on anything. She didn't like anime and I didn't want to watch baking shows. She asked me if something felt off between us. I didn't think so but she did. She essentially told me that she wasn't falling in love with and she didn't think she would. I was blindsided. I accepted it, I couldn't really blame her. I didn't do anything wrong. But those thoughts started to come back. "See, you don't deserve it and you never did", "the other foot was going to drop eventually", "too good to be true", etc. I spiralled. I was a mess for months. I finally got diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I started taking meds. I started therapy. Eventually, I got better and felt ready to try again.
I was a bit jaded butwanted to start putting myself out there, slowly. This time, I chose a combination of witty honesty for my Tinder profile. Something like looking for wholesome connections on Tinder may not be the best, but I am naive. Then I met HER. Oh man, what a looker. And would you believe she messaged me first? She was refreshed by my honesty and thought I was attractive. Woah. Now this is 4 months from when my first relationship ended. I wanted to take things slow. I told myself that I would make sure I truly connected with someone before getting into a relationship. So that's what I did. We talked every day, really getting to know each other. We had similar interests and some different ones. She is brutally honest and straightforward just like me. She is confident and funny, but she had such a capacity for empathy and understanding. They say you should never have your standards too high. I had always felt like mine were, given I spent years in my own head, crafting the perfect person. But, imagine, you meet someone who fits so closely to almost every criteria? We became good friends. I slowly opened up more. That includes complimenting her, believe or not. I tend to come on strong in most situations so I tried to be more reserved. She has such a beautiful smile. Anyway, i digress. I started to realize that I was falling for her. Hard. Not like before though. Like I wake up and think about her. Go to bed and think about her. We started talking over winter break while I was at home. We were long distance but I would come back every other week. Our first date was at....a movie (original I know). I was very nervous because I really liked her, I wanted it to go well..and we were also horny people in their early twenties who may or may not planned to do the deed in the parking lot. Which was not great because again, I was nervous. But things got better. She became my girlfriend. The bad thoughts went away. I fell in love. Let me tell you, it feels great. Plus, lockdown happened towards the beginning of our relationship. So we got to see each other super often. Inseperable. We knew that we would marry each other. We found our person. 4 years later, now its happily ever after. Except life isn't a fairy tale. Nothing to celebrate on my anniversary, no one to see on Valentine's Day. We went on a break in Spetmeber to work on ourselves. We became co-depepndent. She had mental health challenges that I couldn't fix. I couldn't make it better. No matter how hard i tried. We were our own support system. But she was the love of my life and I wasn't going to give up. But then she broke up with me in October. She fell out of love. She called me the next day and changed her mind. She made a mistake. I have a girlfriend again. Two days later, she broke up with me again. She made a mistake in making a mistake. Fast forward a month, her birthday is coming up. I still check up on her story on Insta. It would be the first I missed. I had sent her a letter to get closure. She responded. We talk. Im just happy to hear her voice. two days later, she misses me and wants to come back. I'm happy. My whole outlook changes. I can listen to music again. We plan on spend thanksgiving together. Things are gonna back to normal. I stayed up all night the night before I pick her up from school. I'm too excited. Then the text. "I think Im running away from my problems please don't come". She blocks me again. We talk. If she is going to come back, she wants to come back better. She doesn't want me to wait and if I find somebody else....I stopped her. I only wanted to be with her. I wont wait but I will always keep the door open for her. She is worth it. But I lied. I lied to her but more importantly, I lied to myself. I was telling myself I was getting better. I downloaded apps again. I started working out again. Im moving on. No, I waited. I put my life on hold. Waiting. For just one phone call. One text. I get the love of my life back. Today, I saw a picture of her kissing another guy. She was happy. She was better. He looked like I did when I was with her. I reached out. I wanted to scream. I wanted to yell. But I couldn't. Because love is unconditional. I love her and I always will. But with love comes loss. Love means being happy for her even if it's not with me. Love is not some emotion that makes you want to have sex and kiss. Love is commitment. Love is doing the little things. Love is being there even when you are mad at each other. Love is not standing in the way of your loved ones happiness. Love is hard. Love is not a feeling. I have a hard time with feelings. I can;t understand them half the time. But I know what love is. I had it and I lost it. It's soul crushing and it's not fair. But Love....is knowing when to let go. I hope I can find it again someday. But for now, I have to stop waiting.
2024.05.07 03:08 kitty-inmymomera I Hate my Teenage Daughter
Hate is a strong word, but I really cannot stand her.
Background: My stepkids have been living with us for 5+ years. Their other bio parent lost custody for general neglect. They are still in regular contact but don't visit often, maybe 2-3 times a year.
Back to it, my stepdaughter has good grades, is pretty helpful around the house, but that's about all the positives. Her personality drives me INSANE. She is an obnoxious, attention seeking pick me girl. She says and does whatever she thinks is funny or will make people like her. She is literally loud and says offensive or sexual things, even though her friends aren't matching her energy. She brags about how much she likes or is good at certain things (like hunting) which she has never done or did one time 10 years ago, to impress the "country" kids. She did the same thing at her last school, but acted like she was super hard and acted ghetto because the racial makeup was different.
I've tried to have talk after talk with her. She insists she loves herself and does not lack self esteem, so I can only assume at this point she just lacks self respect.
I've always tried to be close to her, spend one on one time, ask about her life and friends, we've let her have boyfriends and had them over or let her go to their house or on dates, yet recently she decided to sneak around with an older boy she is talking to while she was supposed to be at school. She took drugs recently on a weeknight. She has no remorse and says she doesn't think about consequences. She REFUSES to participate in therapy.
I know she's a teen, so a lot of the behavior is normal, but my stress levels are now so high and I have anxiety even being around her alone because she is so unlikeable and everything that comes out of her mouth is like she is trying to impress a middle school boy, instead of conversing at what I would expect at her age.
How the heck do I deal with this another few years? Do they grow out of this? Or am I doomed to dislike her personality forever? Do I pretend to be interested in the junk she talks about? Usually when her bragging or acting fake starts, I excuse myself or change subject.
TLDR: Teen is immature and says inauthentic, offensive things for attention. Idk how to deal with it.
submitted by kitty-inmymomera to Parenting [link] [comments]
Background: My stepkids have been living with us for 5+ years. Their other bio parent lost custody for general neglect. They are still in regular contact but don't visit often, maybe 2-3 times a year.
Back to it, my stepdaughter has good grades, is pretty helpful around the house, but that's about all the positives. Her personality drives me INSANE. She is an obnoxious, attention seeking pick me girl. She says and does whatever she thinks is funny or will make people like her. She is literally loud and says offensive or sexual things, even though her friends aren't matching her energy. She brags about how much she likes or is good at certain things (like hunting) which she has never done or did one time 10 years ago, to impress the "country" kids. She did the same thing at her last school, but acted like she was super hard and acted ghetto because the racial makeup was different.
I've tried to have talk after talk with her. She insists she loves herself and does not lack self esteem, so I can only assume at this point she just lacks self respect.
I've always tried to be close to her, spend one on one time, ask about her life and friends, we've let her have boyfriends and had them over or let her go to their house or on dates, yet recently she decided to sneak around with an older boy she is talking to while she was supposed to be at school. She took drugs recently on a weeknight. She has no remorse and says she doesn't think about consequences. She REFUSES to participate in therapy.
I know she's a teen, so a lot of the behavior is normal, but my stress levels are now so high and I have anxiety even being around her alone because she is so unlikeable and everything that comes out of her mouth is like she is trying to impress a middle school boy, instead of conversing at what I would expect at her age.
How the heck do I deal with this another few years? Do they grow out of this? Or am I doomed to dislike her personality forever? Do I pretend to be interested in the junk she talks about? Usually when her bragging or acting fake starts, I excuse myself or change subject.
TLDR: Teen is immature and says inauthentic, offensive things for attention. Idk how to deal with it.
2024.05.04 13:54 Pitterpattercatter It's been almost 16 years...
And I still want to tell everyone about how amazing my step daddy was to me for the few years I had him, the funny stories, and how much I love and miss him. I love my bio dad, but my step daddy was just amazing. But I also know if I talk about my step daddy to my bio or if my bio found/saw/heard me talking about my step daddy to anyone else he'd get really upset. I'm only able to talk about him to my hubby, mom and occasionally a coworker. It sucks because I find myself more often wondering and wishing that at 31 I could ask him advice, I could talk to him, that he could talk to and teach my husband some of the amazing things he knew. I feel like a whole chunk of me got ripped away when I was 15. There are no more 3 am talks around a fire when I can't sleep, no more grumbling while being secretly happy working with him in his garden, no more teaching me things his dad taught him or lessons on how to two step or defend myself and be self sufficient through his guidance, there's no more stupid jokes that I've heard a million times, no more embarrassing dances, and there's no tall thin Cherokee man saying "I love you little squaw". Sometimes I feel like I'm reliving that 3am knock on the door that sent my mom to wake me up in the middle of the night. I've dreamed that he had fallen and got amnesia and that's why he's been gone so long, but I was at the funeral. I know he's gone....I just miss him so badly so much of the time. It's been nearly 16 years and it still hurts. And it hurts that I feel like to spare my bio dad's feelings I have to pretend the greatest father figure I had wasn't even here...
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2024.05.04 08:08 meethmh [MS] Therapy in Progress
Session #5
“I have not been able to focus on anything for the past few days,” Abdoul said, looking visibly distracted.
Dr. Gill: What’s on your mind? Is something distracting you?
Abdoul: I find myself staring through the pages and the presentations, and nothing sticks.
Dr. Gill: Has this been a particularly stressful week? Is anything unusual at work?
Abdoul: Not really. I mean, work is usually calm around year-end. I still have some projects to evaluate, but it’s not that bad. I’ve been trying to keep active, you know? I go to the gym and do some boxing to relieve stress. It usually helps, but lately, it’s like nothing’s working.
Dr. Gill: Boxing sounds like a great way to manage stress. How often do you do that?
Abdoul: A couple of times a week. It’s a good way to let off steam, but with the blackouts, I’ve had to cut back. I don’t want to pass out in the ring.
Dr. Gill: It makes sense to be cautious. Can you talk about what happened during the presentation?
Abdoul: Well, the PhD was presenting his thesis on freezing bio-aging and graceful recovery. I was particularly looking forward to one of the least interesting projects this year. Midway, I just stopped processing, and when I came to, the fellow was finishing up. I had to excuse myself from the panel to avoid embarrassment.
Dr. Gill: What triggered this? Can you remember anything that might have caused you to lose focus?
Abdoul: That’s the strange part. I don’t remember anything in between. It was as if someone pressed fast-forward and skipped everything.
Session #10
“It’s happening more frequently now, Dr. I am worried. I got my CT scans done, and there’s nothing technically wrong with me.”
Dr. Gill: I spoke with your doctor, and she mentioned she wants to monitor you while you’re having these episodes. How’s your sleep? Are you getting enough rest?
Abdoul: I’ve been sleeping alright, but I do wake up tired. The dreams aren’t helping for sure.
Dr. Gill: What are the dreams about? Can you describe them for me?
Abdoul: Just… nothing really happens in them. I seem to be talking to someone about walks and maintenance.
Dr. Gill: Anything else you remember from these dreams? Any recurring themes?
Abdoul: They’re boring. Like nothing really happens. It’s like the seasons of Lost; it’s just a lot of talking and mundane work. I’m on some screens, like monitor panels, chatting about daily runs and tasks.
Dr. Gill: (Chuckles) That doesn’t sound very exciting. Anything else you’d like to share about them?
Abdoul: I’m not sure if it’s of interest, but I’ve been having them regularly.
At this point, Dr. Gill makes a note that Abdoul might be feeling a bit bored with his once-exciting professorship. Perhaps he’s concerned about retirement. Dr. Gill prescribes anti-anxiety medication to help manage stress.
Session #15
Dr Gill : My PA said you wanted to meet urgently. Whats the matter?
Abdoul : Thank you for accommodating me at the last minute. I wanted to talk about these blackouts.
At this point, Abdoul is already sweating and uneasy and jumpy.
Dr : Are you on the meds ?
Abdoul : Yes and No
Abdoul wants to pour out what he has got in his stomach
Dr Gill : Your doctor has been very clear that it is because you aren’t able to sleep properly that these blackouts happen. Your body crashes to get some sleep. This happens to be acute insomnia. You have to take your medications.
Dr Gill : Alright, relax. Have some water.
Abdoul sips and then chuggs and very carefully keeps it down on the side table.
Abdoul : This is not what I want to talk about today. I want to talk about the dreams.
Dr Gill’s PA, Paul, was always around, just outside the door, in case of emergencies. He’d been working with Dr Gill for years, handling the front desk, appointments, and anything that required immediate attention. Paul was familiar with the patients and their routines, always ready to assist.
Abdoul does’t wait for any affirmations and jumpts straightaway into. He explains to the doctor that the dreams aren’t stopping. Earlier they were just about planning walks for maintenance over and over again. And now,
Abdoul : I saw the window. I mean I looked through the window.
Abdoul’s almost gets up for the seat but then grips it back.
I saw someone in this white suit tethered to cables and with some screwdrivers FLOATING! And when they got away from the window, I saw. I mean I dreamt. No, I saw.
I saw Earth!
Dr Gill listens, taking notes. He knows that Paul is ready outside, just in case Abdoul’s anxiety escalates. It’s part of the therapy setup to ensure a safe environment for patients.
Dr: What do you mean?
Like our Earth. Like from the window. Like the planet floating. Like our Earth!
Abdoul waited for the doctor to react. The doctor crossed his legs and pulled his notepad.
Abdoul : What are you writing? I don’t need any more meds. I feel they’ve made things worse. Can you just…
Dr: Alright, go on! What about Earth
Abdoul :Well I am not sure exactly. It looked like earth. But also a bit different. I can’t place exactly but the land on it seemed pretty different.
Dr : How do you mean different ?
Abdoul : I didn’t see any of the features of Earth. I saw the blue, and the white clouds but a lot of haze. And I couldn’t make out any continents.
Dr : Seems pretty interesting. Does it mean anything to you ? Have you come across something like this ?
Abdoul :What do you mean ? Like have I seen any .. movies?
Dr : Or perhaps you’re reading something?
Abdoul had been reading French art novels hoping to quickly fall asleep. He didn’t quite know the language, but it helped get a knockout sleep in the past. Dr cuts the session as it did not seem like an emergency and asked Abdoul to come in on the next scheduled session.
Session #16
Dr Gill : How are you doing Abdoul?
Abdoul is a little silent and doesn’t answer.
Dr Gill : How is work ?
Abdoul : Work is work. I am wrapping up for spring break.
Abdoul seems distant as he plays with the coaster on the table
Dr Gill : That seems exciting. Are you planning to go somewhere?
Abdoul : I am thinking of visiting my friend at Stanford.
Dr Gill : That sounds awesome. How come you have never mentioned him before?
Abdoul : He is more of a colleague. I had met him in a conference 7 years ago. We’ve been in touch about exchange programs.
Dr Gill : So he is not your friend ?
Abdoul : Not in a strict sense
Dr Gill : Why did you then introduce him as your friend ?
Abdoul doesn’t answer. Keeps down the coaster
Dr Gill : Well, whats on your mind? Why are you visiting him then?
Abdoul doesn’t answer. His eyes are fidgety. He looks at the clock.
Dr Gill : Are you late for something? You seem in a hurry!
Abdoul : No i very much look forward to meeting you. Its just that I am not sure if you want to hear.
Dr Gill : hear what ? You can speak freely.
Abdoul : Its about the dreams.
Dr Gill : Of course i want to know. Typically recurring dreams are subject of trauma and thats pretty much what I specialize in. Speak freely. And if you see me take notes, its mostly that I can try and analyze and figure out whats keeping you up.
Abdoul : Alright. You asked!
Dr pulls out his notes. There now seems to be a difference in Abdouls posture. he seems a bit more relaxed and seems to be infact holding something back.
Abdoul : Most of the dreams have been of the same guy. I figured his name. His name is Clark Miles. We;ve been talking about the same stuff basically. We cross verify our data, check health status of the systems and ..
Dr Gill observes how Abdoul is now speaking as if this really is happening.
Abdoul : assign walks to repair or prepare to patch our softwares. But last week something happened. I was again at the window observing the maintenance … and yes these walks I figured are spacewalks by men in space suits outside of the ship. I’ve managed to figure that there is a section of the ship with ‘The Originals’. I am not sure what that is. Also, I noticed that Clark and I have longer arms and we are pretty tall…
Dr Gill observes that there is little doubt now. Abdoul has started to refer himself in the dreams. There seems to be a blurr between the waking and sleeping self. Abdoul looks and pauses.
Abdoul : Well ?
Dr Gill : Please continue, I'm just making notes here.
Abdoul : Clark refers to the ship as a Harbour station. Oh yes.. i lost my chain of thought. I saw the spacesuit.. the man.. . But this time I saw a small tube of a kind, like a small sub leaving for the Earth. I seem to be talking to the men inside the tube and wishing them luck.
Dr Gill notes the vividness of the dreams and how again Abdoul started talking in first person.
Abdoul : The maintenance and the numerous logs were in preparation for this project. I starting to pay attention to these details now. The name of the project was Project Terra 63.
Dr Gill : You refer to yourself in the dreams in first person. Do you find that strage ?
Abdoul : What do you mean ? Of course its me. How else should I refer to myself ?
Abdoul seems a little agitated at this point. Dr offers him water and asks him to relax.
Abdoul : Its almost me. Its me. But. The funny thing is I don’t seem to be able to exercise my own will in these dreams. You are right that it’s probably not me. But It almost feels that. Like I am watching, listening to myself acting, eating.
Dr Gill : So it’s you who is talking to clarke ?
Abdoul : It does sound like me. Maybe not. I don’t know.
Abdoul : I am meeting this friend.. colleague at Stanford to just discuss some of these details and understand if there is any sense to it
Dr Gill notes that Abdoul is willingly indluging and isn’t able to distinguih reality. He is sensing delusional behavior. Dr realizes that he needs to approach this with caution.
Dr Gill : May I know your friends name ?
Abdoul : He is a tenured professor in the physics department. Well, he now specializes in Philosophy of science. He has also planned to join me for some hikes with his students.
Dr Gill : That sounds wonderful. The hikes i mean. Make sure to stock up from your pharmacy. I will let em know.
Abdoul: Yes, I hope this does end soon. I can’t be like this anymore.
Session #17
Abdoul doesn’t come in and isn’t reachable on his phone. Dr contacts this friend just to check in and see if all is well
Professor Dall tells Dr. Gill that Abdoul left town about a week ago. When Dr. Gill inquires further, Dall mentions the dreams Abdoul had been talking about. Dr. Gill presses for more details, trying to understand if there’s something Abdoul hasn’t shared with him. Dall mostly confirms what Dr. Gill already knows, but he mentions that Abdoul described the dreams with incredible detail. Abdoul has been recording them right after waking up, transcribing them into his notes later. Dall finds it astonishing — the precision with which Abdoul describes the setup and mechanics of space colonists, the theories behind terraforming, and even organizations like the “Sons of X”
Dall explains that Abdoul’s notes suggest he might be researching on his own, fueling his dreams with whatever information he can find. The fact that he’s describing these things with such accuracy is troubling to Dall, who isn’t really close to Abdoul but is starting to see a pattern. Dr. Gill digs a bit deeper, asking Dall about Abdoul’s general state of mind. Dall hesitantly admits that Abdoul isn’t happy with the therapy; it seems to be doing more harm than good. Dr. Gill listens carefully, realizing that there’s more going on than Abdoul had let on during their sessions.
Session #18
Abdoul still isn’t reachable. He calls his doctor to check if Abdoul has been to the hospital. But learns that Abdoul is no longer her patient. Dr visits him at the university out of concern and appeals to him to come and visit him.
Session #19
Dr : Im really glad that you made it. I was a little concerned. I spoke to your friend Dall and ..
Abdoul : You did ?
Abdoul is very calm and there is no sign of any anxiety anymore. He takes a sip of water and keeps it back. There is an air of comfort in the way his arms move. His eyes are calm too.
Dr : Yes, you had completely gone off the grid. And I was concerned about your well-being.
Abdoul : Well you don’t have to be, doctor. I am all well now.
Dr : Alright. I’m glad to hear that and you certainly look sporty.
Abdoul : Im glad too that this is happening.
Abdoul had a smile that seemed alright but Dr suspected that this was not over. Yet.
Dr : How have you been sleeping lately?
Abdoul : Yes about that. Dr, I think we don’t need to do this anymore. I’m perfectly fine and I think I can finally give you your time back.
Dr : Well that’s for me to decide. How about you tell me how you’re sleeping lately? Any episodes
Abdoul : That’s what I’m trying to say. I’m sleeping alright and I've not been having any blackouts too. In fact, I’m embarrassed about the entire ordeal. I really wish you leave it at that. I’m trying to forget that it ever happened.
Dr : What happened? Do you want to talk about your dreams?
Abdoul : I’d rather not.
Abdoul shifted his weight to his left side and leaned on the left arm of the chat. Dr noticed the sudden change in his body language and knew that he needed to get what was simmering below the surface.
Dr Gill : Well I’m glad you feel alright. There is nothing that gladdens me more than this. Dall, your friend, however, expressed his concerns though. But I'm sure given he doesn’t know you, that is unfounded.
Abdoul : He said that. He is certainly not on my contacts list anymore.
Abdoul chuckled but seemed on edge. His eyes were fidgeting. Dr caught him looking at the clock.
Dr Gill : So, if this is the last time we meet. I want to know what happened in the dreams. Dall was also fascinated about them I don’t want to miss out on what you; 've been dreaming of. Are you still dreaming?
Abdoul: As I said, the dreams stopped. And for fair reasons I presume.
Dr Gill : Go on. I won’t take out my notes this time. This is the last session and all.
Dr tried to comfort him and was bordering unethical line of enquiry.
Abdoul : Clark and I.. were preparing for the return docking procedure of the sub pod. Do you recall that doc?
Dr Gill : yes. Is that of the project Terra ?
Abdoul figured that Dall had briefed Dr with the details of their conversation. Abdoul paused. Dr sensed that it didn’t go down well with Abdoul.
Dr Gill : I was merely concerned about what you and Dall mentioned about the dreams. I had to know if there had been any signs that would help me out in figuring out the trauma. to treat of course.
Abdoul sighed
Abdoul : .. The sub was to return today, and we saw it approaching the station. It needed to wait for a few hours to prepare for the docking procedure. Clarke and I monitored the approach, watching the sub’s trajectory and making sure it lined up perfectly with the docking port. It had to be slow and steady, using its thrusters to adjust as it got closer. The soft capture was smooth, just a gentle bump, followed by the hard capture where the docking latches locked into place. We had to check the pressure between the sub and the station to make sure it was equalized before we could open the hatch. It was a lot of waiting and watching, ensuring everything was safe and secure.
Dr was again blown away by the vividness of the details.
Abdoul : Can we take a break? I need to relieve my bladder.
While Abdoul was away, Dr checked his bag and found the notebook Dall referred to. Dr was hoping to find something, but not this. Why would Abdoul carry this around? He was in two minds. He kept an eye on the door while he took a picture of the last page on his mobile. Before he could make any words out, he heard the door open. Dr managed to put everything back and returned to his chair.
Abdoul : This must all seem pretty crazy to you. Isn’t it?
Dr Gill : I don’t like that word and you know that don’t you?
Abdoul : Sure. I would like to have a peek into that notebook of yours to be sure though.
Abdoul and Dr laughed it off.
Abdoul : Right, so the latch didn’t close in properly. Clark wasn’t too concerned though. There were failsafes for it and he started engaging them. I realized that there was something wrong. Well, I as in me, but in the dream I sensed that I knew that there was something wrong. You know like I was there but didn’t understand much anyway of what I was doing.
Dr Gill : Sure. Like you were observing but not in the agency?
Abdoul : Precisely. I then confronted Clark about it and there was an argument where Clark pushed me down and I hit a wall. I don’t remember much.
Dr observed how Abdoul reached to his head as if it really did happen
Abdoul : When I woke up. like not really, but woke up in the dream. There was this fog in my mind, and I could feel something sticky on my forehead. I must have bled, because it was all over my hands. Clark was messing with the wires, and I knew he was sabotaging the docking. The next thing I knew, the sub crashed, and the alarms went crazy. Lights were flashing, and I was struggling to stand. Clark was gone, running down the corridor, and I was trying to follow him. It felt like I was moving through a haze, stumbling along.
Abdoul started sweating and gripped the arm tightly.
Abdoul : The alarms were fading in and out, and everything smelled like burning plastic. I got up and followed the lights. I didn’t know where they were leading, but it seemed the right thing to do. Not that I was in control. As I said I was merely there in the head. The lights led to the pod room.. the escape pod room. As I entered, a blunt object projectile brushed my head. This time I was quick to duck. It felt a little off this time, it felt as if I knew it was coming and ducked intentionally. Like the me in this person. Exercising agency at will.. and all.
Dr didn’t know where this was going and his inkling was proving right with every passing detail of Abdouls narration. Abdoul seemed to be completely delusional now. Abdoul was recreating the event almost hysterically. Abdoul had actually ducked while narrating this sudden exercise of agency in the dream.
Abdoul : Clark was near one of these pods and had seen me come into the room. He was now sprinting menacingly with red eyes. Not sure if it was the red lights or pure rage that I saw. Before he could reach me, I managed to get hold of the thing he threw me at. I managed to pull an underarm which hit him below the jaw. He fell in one swoop.
Abdoul had again demonstrated the undercut with his fist which described the events. Abdoul did mention about boxing before. Dr apart from being concerned was also mesmerized to the degree that someone could craft such a beautiful vivid and graphic story for themselves. But he didn’t want to toy anymore.
Dr wanted Abdoul to stop as this session was now at a stage where it would be seriously detrimental to this delusional fallout. But Abdoul carried on. He was for all purposes not in the session anymore.
The smoke and fire had gulped the room.
Abdoul had tears in his eyes.
Clark was lying face down. The blood had mixed with the fire and the putrid stench of plastic melting and the fumes choked me. I covered my mouth in vain as my suit caught fire. I tried to reach the pod but fell a few paces short. I think I died right there with my arms grasping for something to hold while I breathed my last.
Abdoul had horror in his eyes. It was as if he was reliving his death. Dr pressed a button next to the lamp hidden from Abdoul. Paul rushed in, his concern visible.
Abdoul broke from the trance immediately.
Paul : Is everything alright? Mr Gill?
Dr. Gill looked at Abdoul, who was coming back to reality
Abdoul found himself again and sat on the chair immediately. Dr noticed the sudden shift in temperament.
Dr Gill : Yes Paul. everything is fine. The session is getting over. I’ll call you in for some water after.
Paul leaves. Abdoul wipes away his tears and his sweat. He drinks the water. With each gulp, he gets more calm and settles into himself.
Abdoul: Well that was embarrassing. Why didn’t you stop me? Well anyway, after that night, that dream all this stopped.
Aboul opened his palms to signal that it was over.
Dr Gill : And this is the truth?
Abdoul : Yes, I figured with that death. I can’t explain it. But it all seems in the past now. I now sleep and dream normally.
Dr wanted to end the session rightaway and figure this out on priority. He wanted Abdoul to have some closure right away in this session. Even though it was clear that he needed intervention.
Dr Gill : You’ve been sleeping alright since then? Dreaming alright?
Abdoul : Yes
Dr Gill : Do you feel well-rested after waking up?
Abdoul : Yes, And the blackouts aren’t happening. I did the tests again and the doctor confirmed.
Dr Gill : Do you mind if we continue to have these sessions ? Im pretty stoked that the dreams are gone. I mean those dreams. But I just want to help you deal with all of this and put this all behind you. Like in a healthy manner.
Abdoul was truly at peace now. Dr sensed that they should end the session now. Abdoul doesn’t say anything but nods as he gets up from the chair and leaves.
Abdoul : Let’s meet in a few weeks though. deal?
Dr Gill : Deal
Abdoul leaves and Paul walks in.
Paul : Are you alright Mr Gill ?
Dr sips water and his phone is abuzz from all the notifications.
Dr Gill : Not really, I got the scares then. I thought Abdoul was having seizures. Or he was going to harm himself.
Paul : Do you want to contact his doctor? or the authorities ? Do you think he is danger ?
Paul scrolls through his phone. And falls to his chair as he looks at the photo he took of Abdoul’s diary. It says
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“I have not been able to focus on anything for the past few days,” Abdoul said, looking visibly distracted.
Dr. Gill: What’s on your mind? Is something distracting you?
Abdoul: I find myself staring through the pages and the presentations, and nothing sticks.
Dr. Gill: Has this been a particularly stressful week? Is anything unusual at work?
Abdoul: Not really. I mean, work is usually calm around year-end. I still have some projects to evaluate, but it’s not that bad. I’ve been trying to keep active, you know? I go to the gym and do some boxing to relieve stress. It usually helps, but lately, it’s like nothing’s working.
Dr. Gill: Boxing sounds like a great way to manage stress. How often do you do that?
Abdoul: A couple of times a week. It’s a good way to let off steam, but with the blackouts, I’ve had to cut back. I don’t want to pass out in the ring.
Dr. Gill: It makes sense to be cautious. Can you talk about what happened during the presentation?
Abdoul: Well, the PhD was presenting his thesis on freezing bio-aging and graceful recovery. I was particularly looking forward to one of the least interesting projects this year. Midway, I just stopped processing, and when I came to, the fellow was finishing up. I had to excuse myself from the panel to avoid embarrassment.
Dr. Gill: What triggered this? Can you remember anything that might have caused you to lose focus?
Abdoul: That’s the strange part. I don’t remember anything in between. It was as if someone pressed fast-forward and skipped everything.
Session #10
“It’s happening more frequently now, Dr. I am worried. I got my CT scans done, and there’s nothing technically wrong with me.”
Dr. Gill: I spoke with your doctor, and she mentioned she wants to monitor you while you’re having these episodes. How’s your sleep? Are you getting enough rest?
Abdoul: I’ve been sleeping alright, but I do wake up tired. The dreams aren’t helping for sure.
Dr. Gill: What are the dreams about? Can you describe them for me?
Abdoul: Just… nothing really happens in them. I seem to be talking to someone about walks and maintenance.
Dr. Gill: Anything else you remember from these dreams? Any recurring themes?
Abdoul: They’re boring. Like nothing really happens. It’s like the seasons of Lost; it’s just a lot of talking and mundane work. I’m on some screens, like monitor panels, chatting about daily runs and tasks.
Dr. Gill: (Chuckles) That doesn’t sound very exciting. Anything else you’d like to share about them?
Abdoul: I’m not sure if it’s of interest, but I’ve been having them regularly.
At this point, Dr. Gill makes a note that Abdoul might be feeling a bit bored with his once-exciting professorship. Perhaps he’s concerned about retirement. Dr. Gill prescribes anti-anxiety medication to help manage stress.
Session #15
Dr Gill : My PA said you wanted to meet urgently. Whats the matter?
Abdoul : Thank you for accommodating me at the last minute. I wanted to talk about these blackouts.
At this point, Abdoul is already sweating and uneasy and jumpy.
Dr : Are you on the meds ?
Abdoul : Yes and No
Abdoul wants to pour out what he has got in his stomach
Dr Gill : Your doctor has been very clear that it is because you aren’t able to sleep properly that these blackouts happen. Your body crashes to get some sleep. This happens to be acute insomnia. You have to take your medications.
Dr Gill : Alright, relax. Have some water.
Abdoul sips and then chuggs and very carefully keeps it down on the side table.
Abdoul : This is not what I want to talk about today. I want to talk about the dreams.
Dr Gill’s PA, Paul, was always around, just outside the door, in case of emergencies. He’d been working with Dr Gill for years, handling the front desk, appointments, and anything that required immediate attention. Paul was familiar with the patients and their routines, always ready to assist.
Abdoul does’t wait for any affirmations and jumpts straightaway into. He explains to the doctor that the dreams aren’t stopping. Earlier they were just about planning walks for maintenance over and over again. And now,
Abdoul : I saw the window. I mean I looked through the window.
Abdoul’s almost gets up for the seat but then grips it back.
I saw someone in this white suit tethered to cables and with some screwdrivers FLOATING! And when they got away from the window, I saw. I mean I dreamt. No, I saw.
I saw Earth!
Dr Gill listens, taking notes. He knows that Paul is ready outside, just in case Abdoul’s anxiety escalates. It’s part of the therapy setup to ensure a safe environment for patients.
Dr: What do you mean?
Like our Earth. Like from the window. Like the planet floating. Like our Earth!
Abdoul waited for the doctor to react. The doctor crossed his legs and pulled his notepad.
Abdoul : What are you writing? I don’t need any more meds. I feel they’ve made things worse. Can you just…
Dr: Alright, go on! What about Earth
Abdoul :Well I am not sure exactly. It looked like earth. But also a bit different. I can’t place exactly but the land on it seemed pretty different.
Dr : How do you mean different ?
Abdoul : I didn’t see any of the features of Earth. I saw the blue, and the white clouds but a lot of haze. And I couldn’t make out any continents.
Dr : Seems pretty interesting. Does it mean anything to you ? Have you come across something like this ?
Abdoul :What do you mean ? Like have I seen any .. movies?
Dr : Or perhaps you’re reading something?
Abdoul had been reading French art novels hoping to quickly fall asleep. He didn’t quite know the language, but it helped get a knockout sleep in the past. Dr cuts the session as it did not seem like an emergency and asked Abdoul to come in on the next scheduled session.
Session #16
Dr Gill : How are you doing Abdoul?
Abdoul is a little silent and doesn’t answer.
Dr Gill : How is work ?
Abdoul : Work is work. I am wrapping up for spring break.
Abdoul seems distant as he plays with the coaster on the table
Dr Gill : That seems exciting. Are you planning to go somewhere?
Abdoul : I am thinking of visiting my friend at Stanford.
Dr Gill : That sounds awesome. How come you have never mentioned him before?
Abdoul : He is more of a colleague. I had met him in a conference 7 years ago. We’ve been in touch about exchange programs.
Dr Gill : So he is not your friend ?
Abdoul : Not in a strict sense
Dr Gill : Why did you then introduce him as your friend ?
Abdoul doesn’t answer. Keeps down the coaster
Dr Gill : Well, whats on your mind? Why are you visiting him then?
Abdoul doesn’t answer. His eyes are fidgety. He looks at the clock.
Dr Gill : Are you late for something? You seem in a hurry!
Abdoul : No i very much look forward to meeting you. Its just that I am not sure if you want to hear.
Dr Gill : hear what ? You can speak freely.
Abdoul : Its about the dreams.
Dr Gill : Of course i want to know. Typically recurring dreams are subject of trauma and thats pretty much what I specialize in. Speak freely. And if you see me take notes, its mostly that I can try and analyze and figure out whats keeping you up.
Abdoul : Alright. You asked!
Dr pulls out his notes. There now seems to be a difference in Abdouls posture. he seems a bit more relaxed and seems to be infact holding something back.
Abdoul : Most of the dreams have been of the same guy. I figured his name. His name is Clark Miles. We;ve been talking about the same stuff basically. We cross verify our data, check health status of the systems and ..
Dr Gill observes how Abdoul is now speaking as if this really is happening.
Abdoul : assign walks to repair or prepare to patch our softwares. But last week something happened. I was again at the window observing the maintenance … and yes these walks I figured are spacewalks by men in space suits outside of the ship. I’ve managed to figure that there is a section of the ship with ‘The Originals’. I am not sure what that is. Also, I noticed that Clark and I have longer arms and we are pretty tall…
Dr Gill observes that there is little doubt now. Abdoul has started to refer himself in the dreams. There seems to be a blurr between the waking and sleeping self. Abdoul looks and pauses.
Abdoul : Well ?
Dr Gill : Please continue, I'm just making notes here.
Abdoul : Clark refers to the ship as a Harbour station. Oh yes.. i lost my chain of thought. I saw the spacesuit.. the man.. . But this time I saw a small tube of a kind, like a small sub leaving for the Earth. I seem to be talking to the men inside the tube and wishing them luck.
Dr Gill notes the vividness of the dreams and how again Abdoul started talking in first person.
Abdoul : The maintenance and the numerous logs were in preparation for this project. I starting to pay attention to these details now. The name of the project was Project Terra 63.
Dr Gill : You refer to yourself in the dreams in first person. Do you find that strage ?
Abdoul : What do you mean ? Of course its me. How else should I refer to myself ?
Abdoul seems a little agitated at this point. Dr offers him water and asks him to relax.
Abdoul : Its almost me. Its me. But. The funny thing is I don’t seem to be able to exercise my own will in these dreams. You are right that it’s probably not me. But It almost feels that. Like I am watching, listening to myself acting, eating.
Dr Gill : So it’s you who is talking to clarke ?
Abdoul : It does sound like me. Maybe not. I don’t know.
Abdoul : I am meeting this friend.. colleague at Stanford to just discuss some of these details and understand if there is any sense to it
Dr Gill notes that Abdoul is willingly indluging and isn’t able to distinguih reality. He is sensing delusional behavior. Dr realizes that he needs to approach this with caution.
Dr Gill : May I know your friends name ?
Abdoul : He is a tenured professor in the physics department. Well, he now specializes in Philosophy of science. He has also planned to join me for some hikes with his students.
Dr Gill : That sounds wonderful. The hikes i mean. Make sure to stock up from your pharmacy. I will let em know.
Abdoul: Yes, I hope this does end soon. I can’t be like this anymore.
Session #17
Abdoul doesn’t come in and isn’t reachable on his phone. Dr contacts this friend just to check in and see if all is well
Professor Dall tells Dr. Gill that Abdoul left town about a week ago. When Dr. Gill inquires further, Dall mentions the dreams Abdoul had been talking about. Dr. Gill presses for more details, trying to understand if there’s something Abdoul hasn’t shared with him. Dall mostly confirms what Dr. Gill already knows, but he mentions that Abdoul described the dreams with incredible detail. Abdoul has been recording them right after waking up, transcribing them into his notes later. Dall finds it astonishing — the precision with which Abdoul describes the setup and mechanics of space colonists, the theories behind terraforming, and even organizations like the “Sons of X”
Dall explains that Abdoul’s notes suggest he might be researching on his own, fueling his dreams with whatever information he can find. The fact that he’s describing these things with such accuracy is troubling to Dall, who isn’t really close to Abdoul but is starting to see a pattern. Dr. Gill digs a bit deeper, asking Dall about Abdoul’s general state of mind. Dall hesitantly admits that Abdoul isn’t happy with the therapy; it seems to be doing more harm than good. Dr. Gill listens carefully, realizing that there’s more going on than Abdoul had let on during their sessions.
Session #18
Abdoul still isn’t reachable. He calls his doctor to check if Abdoul has been to the hospital. But learns that Abdoul is no longer her patient. Dr visits him at the university out of concern and appeals to him to come and visit him.
Session #19
Dr : Im really glad that you made it. I was a little concerned. I spoke to your friend Dall and ..
Abdoul : You did ?
Abdoul is very calm and there is no sign of any anxiety anymore. He takes a sip of water and keeps it back. There is an air of comfort in the way his arms move. His eyes are calm too.
Dr : Yes, you had completely gone off the grid. And I was concerned about your well-being.
Abdoul : Well you don’t have to be, doctor. I am all well now.
Dr : Alright. I’m glad to hear that and you certainly look sporty.
Abdoul : Im glad too that this is happening.
Abdoul had a smile that seemed alright but Dr suspected that this was not over. Yet.
Dr : How have you been sleeping lately?
Abdoul : Yes about that. Dr, I think we don’t need to do this anymore. I’m perfectly fine and I think I can finally give you your time back.
Dr : Well that’s for me to decide. How about you tell me how you’re sleeping lately? Any episodes
Abdoul : That’s what I’m trying to say. I’m sleeping alright and I've not been having any blackouts too. In fact, I’m embarrassed about the entire ordeal. I really wish you leave it at that. I’m trying to forget that it ever happened.
Dr : What happened? Do you want to talk about your dreams?
Abdoul : I’d rather not.
Abdoul shifted his weight to his left side and leaned on the left arm of the chat. Dr noticed the sudden change in his body language and knew that he needed to get what was simmering below the surface.
Dr Gill : Well I’m glad you feel alright. There is nothing that gladdens me more than this. Dall, your friend, however, expressed his concerns though. But I'm sure given he doesn’t know you, that is unfounded.
Abdoul : He said that. He is certainly not on my contacts list anymore.
Abdoul chuckled but seemed on edge. His eyes were fidgeting. Dr caught him looking at the clock.
Dr Gill : So, if this is the last time we meet. I want to know what happened in the dreams. Dall was also fascinated about them I don’t want to miss out on what you; 've been dreaming of. Are you still dreaming?
Abdoul: As I said, the dreams stopped. And for fair reasons I presume.
Dr Gill : Go on. I won’t take out my notes this time. This is the last session and all.
Dr tried to comfort him and was bordering unethical line of enquiry.
Abdoul : Clark and I.. were preparing for the return docking procedure of the sub pod. Do you recall that doc?
Dr Gill : yes. Is that of the project Terra ?
Abdoul figured that Dall had briefed Dr with the details of their conversation. Abdoul paused. Dr sensed that it didn’t go down well with Abdoul.
Dr Gill : I was merely concerned about what you and Dall mentioned about the dreams. I had to know if there had been any signs that would help me out in figuring out the trauma. to treat of course.
Abdoul sighed
Abdoul : .. The sub was to return today, and we saw it approaching the station. It needed to wait for a few hours to prepare for the docking procedure. Clarke and I monitored the approach, watching the sub’s trajectory and making sure it lined up perfectly with the docking port. It had to be slow and steady, using its thrusters to adjust as it got closer. The soft capture was smooth, just a gentle bump, followed by the hard capture where the docking latches locked into place. We had to check the pressure between the sub and the station to make sure it was equalized before we could open the hatch. It was a lot of waiting and watching, ensuring everything was safe and secure.
Dr was again blown away by the vividness of the details.
Abdoul : Can we take a break? I need to relieve my bladder.
While Abdoul was away, Dr checked his bag and found the notebook Dall referred to. Dr was hoping to find something, but not this. Why would Abdoul carry this around? He was in two minds. He kept an eye on the door while he took a picture of the last page on his mobile. Before he could make any words out, he heard the door open. Dr managed to put everything back and returned to his chair.
Abdoul : This must all seem pretty crazy to you. Isn’t it?
Dr Gill : I don’t like that word and you know that don’t you?
Abdoul : Sure. I would like to have a peek into that notebook of yours to be sure though.
Abdoul and Dr laughed it off.
Abdoul : Right, so the latch didn’t close in properly. Clark wasn’t too concerned though. There were failsafes for it and he started engaging them. I realized that there was something wrong. Well, I as in me, but in the dream I sensed that I knew that there was something wrong. You know like I was there but didn’t understand much anyway of what I was doing.
Dr Gill : Sure. Like you were observing but not in the agency?
Abdoul : Precisely. I then confronted Clark about it and there was an argument where Clark pushed me down and I hit a wall. I don’t remember much.
Dr observed how Abdoul reached to his head as if it really did happen
Abdoul : When I woke up. like not really, but woke up in the dream. There was this fog in my mind, and I could feel something sticky on my forehead. I must have bled, because it was all over my hands. Clark was messing with the wires, and I knew he was sabotaging the docking. The next thing I knew, the sub crashed, and the alarms went crazy. Lights were flashing, and I was struggling to stand. Clark was gone, running down the corridor, and I was trying to follow him. It felt like I was moving through a haze, stumbling along.
Abdoul started sweating and gripped the arm tightly.
Abdoul : The alarms were fading in and out, and everything smelled like burning plastic. I got up and followed the lights. I didn’t know where they were leading, but it seemed the right thing to do. Not that I was in control. As I said I was merely there in the head. The lights led to the pod room.. the escape pod room. As I entered, a blunt object projectile brushed my head. This time I was quick to duck. It felt a little off this time, it felt as if I knew it was coming and ducked intentionally. Like the me in this person. Exercising agency at will.. and all.
Dr didn’t know where this was going and his inkling was proving right with every passing detail of Abdouls narration. Abdoul seemed to be completely delusional now. Abdoul was recreating the event almost hysterically. Abdoul had actually ducked while narrating this sudden exercise of agency in the dream.
Abdoul : Clark was near one of these pods and had seen me come into the room. He was now sprinting menacingly with red eyes. Not sure if it was the red lights or pure rage that I saw. Before he could reach me, I managed to get hold of the thing he threw me at. I managed to pull an underarm which hit him below the jaw. He fell in one swoop.
Abdoul had again demonstrated the undercut with his fist which described the events. Abdoul did mention about boxing before. Dr apart from being concerned was also mesmerized to the degree that someone could craft such a beautiful vivid and graphic story for themselves. But he didn’t want to toy anymore.
Dr wanted Abdoul to stop as this session was now at a stage where it would be seriously detrimental to this delusional fallout. But Abdoul carried on. He was for all purposes not in the session anymore.
The smoke and fire had gulped the room.
Abdoul had tears in his eyes.
Clark was lying face down. The blood had mixed with the fire and the putrid stench of plastic melting and the fumes choked me. I covered my mouth in vain as my suit caught fire. I tried to reach the pod but fell a few paces short. I think I died right there with my arms grasping for something to hold while I breathed my last.
Abdoul had horror in his eyes. It was as if he was reliving his death. Dr pressed a button next to the lamp hidden from Abdoul. Paul rushed in, his concern visible.
Abdoul broke from the trance immediately.
Paul : Is everything alright? Mr Gill?
Dr. Gill looked at Abdoul, who was coming back to reality
Abdoul found himself again and sat on the chair immediately. Dr noticed the sudden shift in temperament.
Dr Gill : Yes Paul. everything is fine. The session is getting over. I’ll call you in for some water after.
Paul leaves. Abdoul wipes away his tears and his sweat. He drinks the water. With each gulp, he gets more calm and settles into himself.
Abdoul: Well that was embarrassing. Why didn’t you stop me? Well anyway, after that night, that dream all this stopped.
Aboul opened his palms to signal that it was over.
Dr Gill : And this is the truth?
Abdoul : Yes, I figured with that death. I can’t explain it. But it all seems in the past now. I now sleep and dream normally.
Dr wanted to end the session rightaway and figure this out on priority. He wanted Abdoul to have some closure right away in this session. Even though it was clear that he needed intervention.
Dr Gill : You’ve been sleeping alright since then? Dreaming alright?
Abdoul : Yes
Dr Gill : Do you feel well-rested after waking up?
Abdoul : Yes, And the blackouts aren’t happening. I did the tests again and the doctor confirmed.
Dr Gill : Do you mind if we continue to have these sessions ? Im pretty stoked that the dreams are gone. I mean those dreams. But I just want to help you deal with all of this and put this all behind you. Like in a healthy manner.
Abdoul was truly at peace now. Dr sensed that they should end the session now. Abdoul doesn’t say anything but nods as he gets up from the chair and leaves.
Abdoul : Let’s meet in a few weeks though. deal?
Dr Gill : Deal
Abdoul leaves and Paul walks in.
Paul : Are you alright Mr Gill ?
Dr sips water and his phone is abuzz from all the notifications.
Dr Gill : Not really, I got the scares then. I thought Abdoul was having seizures. Or he was going to harm himself.
Paul : Do you want to contact his doctor? or the authorities ? Do you think he is danger ?
Paul scrolls through his phone. And falls to his chair as he looks at the photo he took of Abdoul’s diary. It says
Meanwhile, Abdoul wakes up on Earth 2
2024.04.30 20:31 roundish_square_face My abusive brother is moving back in with my parents, who both have cancer.
TLDR; my 35-year-old abusive brother is moving back in with my parents, who both have pancreatic cancer, because he ran out of money while traveling. I (29F) have always been afraid of him but it escalated after my mom got sick. My family is not supportive at all, and they do not understand why I’m afraid of him. They acknowledge that he’s explosive and cruel but don’t understand why I am affected by it. While he was traveling, I moved in with my boyfriend a few hours away. I still want to visit my parents, but I refuse to do it alone, so my boyfriend will need to come with me. My parents are trying to rekindle a relationship between my brother and I, and leave me alone with him/manufacture situations where we’re alone, thinking we’ll make up. My brother is trying to be friends too, but has never apologized for his appalling actions (even if he did I wouldn’t feel differently). Now that he’s back, I’m looking for support and advice. How do I still spend time with my sick parents with him around?
Hey all.
I do not feel safe around my bother. I have always been afraid of him. He was verbally, physically, and emotionally abusive to me my entire life. My family rarely stepped in, but acknowledge that he isn’t ok and he has a really bad temper. My two oldest brothers and my parents somehow acknowledge that he is abusive, and tell me to get over it. For years I just tried to keep him off my back. I NEVER stood up for myself because the consequences would be worse than temporary protection. He used to read my diaries, snoop through my things, and scare me intentionally, along with beating me and verbally abusing me. Living with him was like walking on eggshells. As the only one younger, I bore the brunt of it. My older family members had some power over him and just tell me to “let it go” and that he isn’t frightening.
Once he left for college it was easier. As a teenager I tried to become more like him so he wouldn’t abuse me as much. He still did, but the physical abuse mostly stopped. Just random screaming, demands, and being called horrible names constantly.
These past two years, both of my parents have been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It was my mom first. She was stage 4. He was living with them at the time with his 18 year old girlfriend. I moved back home, expecting that I’d have only a few months left with my mom.
I don’t know why I expected anything different, but being around him again was hell. He was so abusive to myself and my mom. He’d get furious if she didn’t do the alternative medicine he suggested, and basically held the house hostage. When I moved back, he told me I repeatedly that I was toxic, and that my mom’s cancer was getting worse because of me. I know it’s crazy but I believed him at the time. I started to seriously think about suicide, since I thought my mom would be better off without me.
He’s always been explosive- so many times he’s screamed at strangers, workers, bosses, children, anyone who has his ire. For example, on our last plane ride, a man was coughing a few seats away from us, not wearing a mask. My brother turned around and told him to “shut the fuck up and stop coughing,” along with a slurry of general insults about how idiotic the man was. The man was stunned but as usual, he faced no consequences. He’s also abusive to animals. One moment he’s nice and loves them, the next he’ll hit and kick them for doing anything against his wishes. He once kicked my stepmom’s Yorkie puppy after he peed is his shoe, and the dog has hated him since. He’s also poured hot water on the dog on the balcony below his when the dog’s barking. Strange this is, when he’s not freaking out, he’s pretty normal. He can be kind, funny, and caring, but can flip so quickly. I don’t understand how he doesn’t see that it isn’t normal.
Once I moved back home, my mom organized a family trip, which may be our last. I have a bladder disorder (intersistial cystitis) which was undiagnosed at the time, but I’d been having issues for years, going to the bathroom 5+ times a night. On this vacation, I had to stay in a room that was attached to my brother’s room, and I had to walk through his room to use the bathroom. The door between was squeaky and loud. The first time he freaked out, told me to think about someone else for once, and how I was doing this intentionally to sabotage his sleep. After the 3rd time he shot out of bed, screamed at me for being a selfish bitch, and told me to pee outside.
The next morning it was just him and his 18 year old girlfriend in the house, who doesn’t speak English. He said “let’s just forget about last night, we were both wrong and let’s put it behind us.” This kind of behavior had happened many times before, but this time, one of my cousins was there. This cousin made it very clear how fucked up this all was. So I stood up for myself a bit, and said he can’t talk to me like that. I said I was worried that he gets angry so quickly, and it’s not healthy to live that way, and I wanted him to seek help. All hell broke loose. He screamed at me telling me I was toxic again, how I made our moms cancer worse, how I would have done the same thing if the roles were switched, how I am making a big deal out of nothing. I told him I was going for a walk and that I loved him and I left.
That afternoon, him and his girlfriend were gone. They took my mom’s car and disappeared for the day, no one knew where he was. My family (besides my cousin) was really upset with me for not just moving on, implying it was my fault for him stealing my moms car and holding us all emotionally hostage on a vacation my dying mom planned for us. My older brothers and my mom said I was overreacting. My dad refused to acknowledge it, he defaults to my mom’s side. My cousin was baffled.
Finally my brother came home that night. He cornered me and went off about how I don’t respect him. His big gripe was that I made a joke about his new car. It was an old white creepy mail van with a cage in the back, so yeah, I made a joke. He told me again how much he hated me, how I should go back to my old town, how my mom was better without me. I finally got him to stop after I told him it was my fault. I said “I’m just really emotional right now and not in my right mind and you did nothing wrong.” Finally, he backed off. He is 6’2”, 200lb and I am 5’5”, 115lb.
Once I said it was my fault, he said he was sorry and that he loved me and that it would be ok. This cycle had happened so many times that I decided to move on, that this was normal, he was just emotional. But after he said that, he closed the door, turned to my cousin, and ranted about how awful I was, and how he has to pretend to be calm just so I won’t freak out because I’m so unreasonable. After my cousin told me that, I realized he did have control over his emotions after all. He could just flip a switch and lie to my face that he loved me when he needed to. Nothing that happened that day was unusual, but it was the first time I admitted to myself that he was a horrible person, and that my family was enabling him. My cousin was horrified and really worried about my safety. I got a rental and they moved in with me for a few months to protect me from my brother. The rest of my family is dysfunctional too, very verbally abusive and enabling to my brother.
Since then, I moved to the next town over with my boyfriend, who saved my life. Along with my cousin, he showed me that I was lovable and that I wasn’t crazy. I was convinced that hanging my self was the best thing for my family, and they talked me down from the ledge more than once.
Right before I moved towns, my brother decided to go to India indefinitely. He’s really into meditation which is ironic. In a moment of clarity, my oldest brother acknowledged that he was a child and “the least enlightened person he’d ever met,” before telling me to suck it up for my mom. He’s been gone for a year and it’s been amazing. I can actually visit my parents alone without him. My dad was diagnosed with cancer during this time, and I was happy to be there to help them through it without my brother. I also cut contact with my alcoholic bio dad at that time, who still lived in my hometown. Without them things were great. He tried reaching out a few times and I grey rocked him. He’s suggested coming to visit my boyfriend and I, or meeting up for a concert when he is back, or going on a hike. I don’t understand why he is attempting to rekindle a relationship when he clearly hates me so much. I sincerely don’t get it.
But he finally ran out of money (he’s 35) and is coming home to live with my parents again. Luckily, I live a town away with my boyfriend and don’t have to be with him alone for any extended period of time. But my boyfriend needs to work and can’t visit with me often, and I won’t go without him now that my brother is there. I haven’t told them straight out that I don’t want to be alone with him, because the one time I did before he left my mom freaked out. She’s been trying to engineer a makeup. Like the rest of my family, she has moments of clarity where she acknowledges the abuse, but does nothing about it.
Anyway, he’s going to be in our lives daily again. I dread visiting him. If my parents didn’t both have cancer, I would make every excuse to not visit (this is what I’d do in college). But I want to have a relationship with them. I don’t want my brother to take away the time I have left with them, as he’s done many times before. Since I finally realized the extent of his cruelty, I have been unable to access any feelings of love toward him. I see him now for who he truly is, and realize how much of my life I spent tiptoeing around him. I never want to see him again. But as an explosive, violent person, I dare not say that to him, at least not while he can still punish my parents for my boundaries. I’m also very afraid. As I said he’s trying to rekindle some kind of relationship, and I am afraid to not go with his wishes.
So, now I have to deal with him every time I want to visit my parents. I expect that if they make a trip to visit me, he’ll be tagging along- I’m not sure how to say no to this, because I am not letting him in my home.
Luckily I have my boyfriend now, who will always be on my side and will protect me. We are going to visit my parents at the end of May, and I’m so fucking afraid. I need any advice on what to do. I wish I could just see my parents without him. I wish he’d go away forever.
submitted by roundish_square_face to Estrangedsiblings [link] [comments]
Hey all.
I do not feel safe around my bother. I have always been afraid of him. He was verbally, physically, and emotionally abusive to me my entire life. My family rarely stepped in, but acknowledge that he isn’t ok and he has a really bad temper. My two oldest brothers and my parents somehow acknowledge that he is abusive, and tell me to get over it. For years I just tried to keep him off my back. I NEVER stood up for myself because the consequences would be worse than temporary protection. He used to read my diaries, snoop through my things, and scare me intentionally, along with beating me and verbally abusing me. Living with him was like walking on eggshells. As the only one younger, I bore the brunt of it. My older family members had some power over him and just tell me to “let it go” and that he isn’t frightening.
Once he left for college it was easier. As a teenager I tried to become more like him so he wouldn’t abuse me as much. He still did, but the physical abuse mostly stopped. Just random screaming, demands, and being called horrible names constantly.
These past two years, both of my parents have been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It was my mom first. She was stage 4. He was living with them at the time with his 18 year old girlfriend. I moved back home, expecting that I’d have only a few months left with my mom.
I don’t know why I expected anything different, but being around him again was hell. He was so abusive to myself and my mom. He’d get furious if she didn’t do the alternative medicine he suggested, and basically held the house hostage. When I moved back, he told me I repeatedly that I was toxic, and that my mom’s cancer was getting worse because of me. I know it’s crazy but I believed him at the time. I started to seriously think about suicide, since I thought my mom would be better off without me.
He’s always been explosive- so many times he’s screamed at strangers, workers, bosses, children, anyone who has his ire. For example, on our last plane ride, a man was coughing a few seats away from us, not wearing a mask. My brother turned around and told him to “shut the fuck up and stop coughing,” along with a slurry of general insults about how idiotic the man was. The man was stunned but as usual, he faced no consequences. He’s also abusive to animals. One moment he’s nice and loves them, the next he’ll hit and kick them for doing anything against his wishes. He once kicked my stepmom’s Yorkie puppy after he peed is his shoe, and the dog has hated him since. He’s also poured hot water on the dog on the balcony below his when the dog’s barking. Strange this is, when he’s not freaking out, he’s pretty normal. He can be kind, funny, and caring, but can flip so quickly. I don’t understand how he doesn’t see that it isn’t normal.
Once I moved back home, my mom organized a family trip, which may be our last. I have a bladder disorder (intersistial cystitis) which was undiagnosed at the time, but I’d been having issues for years, going to the bathroom 5+ times a night. On this vacation, I had to stay in a room that was attached to my brother’s room, and I had to walk through his room to use the bathroom. The door between was squeaky and loud. The first time he freaked out, told me to think about someone else for once, and how I was doing this intentionally to sabotage his sleep. After the 3rd time he shot out of bed, screamed at me for being a selfish bitch, and told me to pee outside.
The next morning it was just him and his 18 year old girlfriend in the house, who doesn’t speak English. He said “let’s just forget about last night, we were both wrong and let’s put it behind us.” This kind of behavior had happened many times before, but this time, one of my cousins was there. This cousin made it very clear how fucked up this all was. So I stood up for myself a bit, and said he can’t talk to me like that. I said I was worried that he gets angry so quickly, and it’s not healthy to live that way, and I wanted him to seek help. All hell broke loose. He screamed at me telling me I was toxic again, how I made our moms cancer worse, how I would have done the same thing if the roles were switched, how I am making a big deal out of nothing. I told him I was going for a walk and that I loved him and I left.
That afternoon, him and his girlfriend were gone. They took my mom’s car and disappeared for the day, no one knew where he was. My family (besides my cousin) was really upset with me for not just moving on, implying it was my fault for him stealing my moms car and holding us all emotionally hostage on a vacation my dying mom planned for us. My older brothers and my mom said I was overreacting. My dad refused to acknowledge it, he defaults to my mom’s side. My cousin was baffled.
Finally my brother came home that night. He cornered me and went off about how I don’t respect him. His big gripe was that I made a joke about his new car. It was an old white creepy mail van with a cage in the back, so yeah, I made a joke. He told me again how much he hated me, how I should go back to my old town, how my mom was better without me. I finally got him to stop after I told him it was my fault. I said “I’m just really emotional right now and not in my right mind and you did nothing wrong.” Finally, he backed off. He is 6’2”, 200lb and I am 5’5”, 115lb.
Once I said it was my fault, he said he was sorry and that he loved me and that it would be ok. This cycle had happened so many times that I decided to move on, that this was normal, he was just emotional. But after he said that, he closed the door, turned to my cousin, and ranted about how awful I was, and how he has to pretend to be calm just so I won’t freak out because I’m so unreasonable. After my cousin told me that, I realized he did have control over his emotions after all. He could just flip a switch and lie to my face that he loved me when he needed to. Nothing that happened that day was unusual, but it was the first time I admitted to myself that he was a horrible person, and that my family was enabling him. My cousin was horrified and really worried about my safety. I got a rental and they moved in with me for a few months to protect me from my brother. The rest of my family is dysfunctional too, very verbally abusive and enabling to my brother.
Since then, I moved to the next town over with my boyfriend, who saved my life. Along with my cousin, he showed me that I was lovable and that I wasn’t crazy. I was convinced that hanging my self was the best thing for my family, and they talked me down from the ledge more than once.
Right before I moved towns, my brother decided to go to India indefinitely. He’s really into meditation which is ironic. In a moment of clarity, my oldest brother acknowledged that he was a child and “the least enlightened person he’d ever met,” before telling me to suck it up for my mom. He’s been gone for a year and it’s been amazing. I can actually visit my parents alone without him. My dad was diagnosed with cancer during this time, and I was happy to be there to help them through it without my brother. I also cut contact with my alcoholic bio dad at that time, who still lived in my hometown. Without them things were great. He tried reaching out a few times and I grey rocked him. He’s suggested coming to visit my boyfriend and I, or meeting up for a concert when he is back, or going on a hike. I don’t understand why he is attempting to rekindle a relationship when he clearly hates me so much. I sincerely don’t get it.
But he finally ran out of money (he’s 35) and is coming home to live with my parents again. Luckily, I live a town away with my boyfriend and don’t have to be with him alone for any extended period of time. But my boyfriend needs to work and can’t visit with me often, and I won’t go without him now that my brother is there. I haven’t told them straight out that I don’t want to be alone with him, because the one time I did before he left my mom freaked out. She’s been trying to engineer a makeup. Like the rest of my family, she has moments of clarity where she acknowledges the abuse, but does nothing about it.
Anyway, he’s going to be in our lives daily again. I dread visiting him. If my parents didn’t both have cancer, I would make every excuse to not visit (this is what I’d do in college). But I want to have a relationship with them. I don’t want my brother to take away the time I have left with them, as he’s done many times before. Since I finally realized the extent of his cruelty, I have been unable to access any feelings of love toward him. I see him now for who he truly is, and realize how much of my life I spent tiptoeing around him. I never want to see him again. But as an explosive, violent person, I dare not say that to him, at least not while he can still punish my parents for my boundaries. I’m also very afraid. As I said he’s trying to rekindle some kind of relationship, and I am afraid to not go with his wishes.
So, now I have to deal with him every time I want to visit my parents. I expect that if they make a trip to visit me, he’ll be tagging along- I’m not sure how to say no to this, because I am not letting him in my home.
Luckily I have my boyfriend now, who will always be on my side and will protect me. We are going to visit my parents at the end of May, and I’m so fucking afraid. I need any advice on what to do. I wish I could just see my parents without him. I wish he’d go away forever.
2024.04.30 13:02 Gznork26 [SP] "Deadly Attractor" -- Chapter Sixteen / Conclusion
“Deadly Attractor” (TOC)
by P. Orin Zack
[2003]
Chapter Sixteen
“Have you got it?” Mara said apprehensively when Angela joined her outside the courtroom.
“Yeah.” The Australian smiled conspiratorially and opened her hand, revealing the shiny device that had been knocked from their adversary’s grip. She nudged it with her thumb to examine the bisected sunrise design engraved on its face, and then tucked it away in her pack. “Great suggestion, by the way. Ever considered taking up subversion as a hobby?”
Mara laughed grimly. “I’m beginning to think I already have. If killing Uru G’danic is part of the GD’s peacekeeping strategy, then mediating conflicts at the Indigenous People’s Coalition might actually qualify.”
Angela looked around at the milling crowd, and then nodded towards the stairs. “Let’s go. I don’t know how much time we’ve got.”
Keeping pace, Mara glanced at her. “Time for what?”
“To have a word with that bastard.” A few steps later, she added, “In private.”
Mara slowed slightly. “But how? The detention room must be locked now. Wouldn’t the biometrics keep you out?”
“They would, except that I asked Lenny to add me to the access list this morning.” She picked up the pace, and started down the stairs. “Call it a hunch, like knowing when to change lanes in traffic. I’ll have to thank Frank for introducing us.”
Since there were several people in the detention hallway when they arrived, Angela slowed to a casual stroll and Mara followed suit.
As they reached the first room, Mara stopped and glanced at the other two doors. “Which one is he in, and which one has Alex?”
“Since they’re shielded,” Angela said, “I can’t tell from out here, so we’ll just have to open them and see.” She grabbed the handle and pushed, but it didn’t move. “That answers one question. Since it’s locked, one of them is in here.” She pulled an ID out of her pack and slid it past the reader. “Phony, of course, but it matches my biometrics, in a round-about sort of way.” Then, she showed the laser target her right eye, and a soft tone sounded. “If anyone comes along,” she said, grabbing the handle, “make sure they go away.”
In one smooth motion, she pushed the door open, stepped inside, and closed it behind her. “Remember me?” she said to their adversary, who was facing a map of MexAmerica on the far wall.
“Healer Pascoe,” he said, turning towards her. “Or should I say, Angela. After all, you can’t practice any—”
“Shut up, you son of a bitch,” she shouted, stepping closer. “This isn’t about me.”
“It is now,” he said ominously.
“Just who the hell are you, anyway?”
He smiled, and in so doing made it all the more obvious just how young he really was. She judged him to be in his early twenties, twenty-four at most, but with a swaggering sense of power that should have been unnatural for someone even twice his age. He was dressed in that nether region separating casual and professional, with just enough flash to fit into either group, but not enough believability to stay there very long.
When he didn’t answer, she reached in her pack and slammed the small device onto the table separating them. “And what’s this?”
He started to lunge towards it, so she snapped it up and held it in her fist. “I don’t know what this thing is, or how it works, but Frank and I both saw you using it in Apuérto’s memory. And I think you were about to use it a few minutes ago in court.”
He stared at her fist, as she shook it in the air at him.
“What does it do? What happens when you go translucent?”
Still nothing.
She folded her arms. “And what do murder, manipulating healthcare and character assassination have to do with the GD peacekeepers, if that’s who you really work for?”
He snorted. “What rock have you been hiding under, anyway? Did you think the human race hasn’t destroyed itself for the past century out of courtesy or something?”
“It was a glacier, not a rock, you self-important slug,” she said sharply. “Making that ice cave appear under Franz Joseph last year was your doing, wasn’t it?”
He nodded stiffly. “An unavoidable side-effect that I’ve regretted ever since, if you really must know.”
“Which means,” she said, pleased at being vindicated, “that whatever you people are doing is far from perfect.”
“Oh, I see,” he said, “and you’ve never made a mistake? Just who the hell do you think you are to be challenging me like that?”
“That’s what I’m here to find out. Now tell me your name!”
He just stared at her.
“A name,” she said stolidly. “I want your name, or I walk out of here and hand this thing to the media.”
He laughed. “Right. And what are you going to tell them? That it’s the ultimate weapon? That it can make people invisible so they can spy at meetings?”
“No,” she said quietly, “I’ll tell them that you can use it to warp events any way you want, that you can cause impossible accidents, change reality. Things like that.”
“And you expect them to believe you?”
“They will,” she whispered, “once I’ve showed them.”
He shook his head. “Not likely. It’s keyed to my DNA.”
She smiled. “Thanks for the tip. Now what’s your name?”
“Vacca,” he said, with a cocky nod, “Ernie Vacca.”
“Thank you. Now sit.”
He sat. “Okay. Now what?”
She held up the gadget again. “What is this thing?”
“It’s called a Synergizer. Sort of a cross between a psychic shield and a destabilizer, if that means anything to you.”
She tapped the symbol etched into it. “And this? What does it mean?”
“Look,” he said, irritably, “if you want to play show-and-tell, I’m really not interested.”
“The symbol?” she repeated, forcefully.
Vacca shook his head. “If you knew half as much about symbols as you did about creating false identities, you’d realize that it means transcendence in half-a-dozen cultures.”
She turned it to face her. “That’s a pretty strange sentiment for a group that goes around killing people, unless of course you meant it to represent the journey you’ve forced people like Uru G’danic and Vern Cuoku to take.”
He huffed. “Come on, Angela. Neither of them were my doing.”
She looked him in the eye. “An associate then? One of the other members of… what is this so-called peacekeeping organization called, anyway?”
Before Vacca had a chance to answer, Frank threw the door open.
“But who’s Lenny?” Mara uselessly asked the air as he passed by.
When Angela saw Ernie suddenly look up, she turned around and rose from her seat. “Frank, stop!” she yelled, both hands raised in protest.
Seeing the gadget, Frank grabbed it from her and buried it in his fist.
Behind him, Mara stepped in, slammed the door, and glanced quickly at each in turn, sizing up the situation.
Vacca looked at Frank doubtfully. “What do you think you’re doing with that?”
Frank sneered back. “I don’t know what this thing is, you asshole, but if you don’t tell me what you did to Jerry Suus, I swear I’ll beat you to death with it!”
“Frank!” Mara yelled sharply. When he turned to look at her, she continued in a strong but even voice. “You won’t get any answers from a dead man.”
Angela pried his hand open. “Give me that thing, Frank. Vacca here says it’s keyed to his DNA.”
He looked at her, then at the man sitting across the table. “So you have a name. Great. Now tell me what that thing is.”
Vacca shook his head in amusement. “As I was just telling Angela here, it’s a—”
“Angela?” Frank and Mara said at once.
She frowned. “Later.”
“As I was saying,” Vacca continued, “it’s a synergizer, not that it’ll mean anything to you.” He rubbed his neck briefly. “Listen, do you think you can sit down? I’m getting a stiff neck looking up at all of you.”
Reluctantly, Frank joined Angela at the table. Mara joined them a moment later.
“Now, then,” Angela said, “we want some answers. A lot of pretty nasty things have been going on, and not just here in Los Angeles, from what Mara told me. The thing is, for some reason, they all seem to involve you, or at least this GD peacekeeping agency you supposedly work for. What are you after, anyway?”
Vacca smiled, if that’s what you could call it. “Peace.”
“Yeah, right,” Frank snarled. “You certainly have a funny way of going about it: killing people, arranging accidents, messing with people’s lives.”
“Messing with causality,” Angela added, “character assassination, wiping people’s memories. Should I go on?”
“It’s not that simple,” Vacca protested. “The world is a very complicated place. If we didn’t proactively manage conflict, the world would have blown itself up years ago.”
“Conflict management?” Mara said suddenly. “Is that what this is about?”
“Of course,” Vacca said calmly. “Why do you think there hasn’t been a real war in a hundred years? The com channel subliminals reduce the need to intervene, but—”
“Yeah, Yeah. I’ve heard your so-called voice of reason.” Angela said. “A former co-worker of yours tells me that they originate in an office block right here in L.A.”
Vacca flinched. “You’ve heard—?”
“Well I haven’t,” Frank said suddenly. “What do they say?”
“Nothing harmful,” Vacca said uneasily, still watching Angela. “They remind people to follow the rules, and tells them that they are safe and secure. It’s just good PR, that’s all.”
Frank struck the table. “I’ve had enough of this bullshit. What do conflict management and subliminal PR have to do with murdering mathematicians like Vern Cuoku? Or with whatever it was that you did to Jerry Suus?”
Mara snorted. “Or with making sure that Uru G’danic never gets a chance to finish what he’s started, bringing the world’s aboriginal peoples together in common cause?”
Vacca took a long breath. “I told you already. It’s all about keeping the peace. And even with the subliminals, we still need information about what certain individuals and groups are planning. There are too many people on this planet to keep track of all of them. So we hire outside help, people like Korn and Gutiérez—”
Frank snorted. “Yeah. And I suppose you have them all convinced that spying on patients, breaking the Healer’s Oath, is a noble act?”
“Cut the crap, Frank.” Vacca shouted. “You’ve done far worse during your short time on that jury, and I’m sure you used the same rationale, that it’s for a higher purpose.”
Frank frowned, stinging from the sudden pain of forced introspection.
“So, yeah,” Vacca continued, “we use people like Carlita Gutiérez, to gather intelligence from individuals we arrange for them to see. And we need people like Allan Wylie to manage them.”
Angela shook her head in disgust. “What a crock! So when some of these people you suspect of whatever you want to charge them with get offended by having to shell out more for their healthcare, and draw a suit against some of the businesses you make use of, it threatens to blow the cover off your twisted little scheme, and you panic.”
Vacca rose out of his seat. “All of those people, and a lot of others, threaten the peace because of the ideas they spread, or because of the movements they support.”
“Give me a break, Vacca.” Frank said. “What kind of paranoid fantasy do you people live in anyway? How can a mathematician possibly threaten the peace?”
“To tell you the truth, you self-righteous jerk,” he said, leaning over the table on his outstretched hands. “I neither know nor care. All we do is watch for conflict, and make sure it doesn’t happen.”
Frank held the gadget up and shook his hand. “That’s what this thing’s for, isn’t it?”
Vacca straightened and crossed his arms. “Yes. The synergizer lets us see into the TimeStream, to spot signs of impending conflict, and gives us a way to encourage the events that avoid those conflicts.”
“And I suppose,” Mara said gently, “that it also enables you to encourage events that eliminate the people causing those alleged conflicts. People like Uru G’danic.”
Vacca just stared at her.
“And the people who threaten to expose you.” Mara said. “Like Alex and me. Like Jerry Suus.”
Angela snorted. “Even former employees it seems.”
He looked down at his hands, now splayed in front of him. “What was done to your friend Jerry shouldn’t have been necessary. The idea is to not be noticed. It’s just that he’d managed to snag a loose end.”
“A loose end?” Frank echoed incredulously. “Great. I’m sure Jen will be thrilled to learn that her cousin Vern was nothing but a loose end to you people.”
Angela glanced the others. “For that matter, I suppose you’re going to have to shut all of us up, too?”
Frank laughed. “It’s a bit too late for that, isn’t it?” Then he turned towards Vacca. “So what are you going to do?”
Vacca shook his head. “I’m not going to do anything.” He stared at Frank for a moment. “The fact that you’ve trapped me here just means that we’re all now part of a potential conflict that’ll have to be detoured. I know what you’re thinking, and it won’t help. Impending conflicts are easy to spot. With the synergizer, they look like a standing wave in front of a boulder in a stream. So don’t spend any time worrying about it. This ‘situation’ is already being taken care of.” He casually gestured at the gadget on the table. “A friend of mine, the agent who dealt with G’danic and Cuoku, is watching the patterns we’re making in the TimeStream right now. And when he’s ready, he’ll use his synergizer to make sure it doesn’t come to anything.”
“Just like that, huh?” Mara sighed. “And I suppose it doesn’t bother you to know what you’ve destroyed, to know how important G’danic’s work really was, or how his vision of the future could have made your absurd methods unnecessary.”
Vacca didn’t answer immediately. “That’s the part that bothers me,” he said quietly. “I do think about that. I wonder what we’ve traded off these past hundred years in the name of peace.”
Angela leaned towards him. “Then do something about it. You’re inside the agency. Take advantage of that position and see what you can do.”
He laughed weakly. “Sure, like what Jerry Suus wanted that juror to do on this case? Don’t you see? The technology makes it a self-correcting system. If anyone gets out of line and tries to make trouble, the others will see it coming and head it off.”
“Like,” Frank said, with dark amusement, “putting humanity on BioStabilization, and keeping some imaginary ‘peace organ’ in its happy little, deady dull attractor. Sure it’s peaceful, but it is still alive? Is it worth it?”
They were all silent for a time, none of them sure of what to say or why. Then, Vacca slid his chair back and stood up to stretch. “By the way,” he said at last, there’s one bit of this that escapes me.”
“Oh?” Frank said.
“Yeah. Who was that guy that decked me in the courtroom? I didn’t see that coming.”
Mara smiled. “My brother Alex. He has a talent for dancing out of people’s way, then hitting them from out of nowhere. That’s why he started a publishing company.”
“Oh, my,” Frank said suddenly. “Shouldn’t we see about getting him out of lockup?”
… Friday …
Getting back into the patterns of life, or of work, after a disruption as severe as the one that Frank had just been through always took a while. He’d gone into hiding, in a manner of speaking, since being released from duty at the courthouse on Monday. Everyone at Kübler-Ross Hospice Center was aware of the need for people with the heightened sensitivities required to be a Healer to free themselves of inner conflicts over their abilities, or about the value of what they did to help their patients. They knew that the pressure placed on Frank by the court, and the unwanted attention given him by the press would have lasting effects. Except for Jen, however, none of them really understood the toll it had taken on his sense of self-worth.
He’d asked for time to recover, for an open-ended leave-of-absence, and was supported in every way by the entire team. He’d stayed home the past few days to decompress, but today he had come to Kübler-Ross to clean up his office, to make certain that all of his patients were properly handed off to co-workers, and to say goodbye to some of the staff, at least for now, in person.
Frank put the report he was reviewing away, and stopped to stare out the window. One person he wouldn’t be seeing was Carlita Gutiérez. In the flurry of revelations that erupted after Dr. Glacksdóttir’s testimony that day, a number of people at Hospice Centers, MedCenters and Insurance offices worldwide were implicated in a far-ranging scheme that not only benefited both corporations named in the suit, but indirectly threatened the integrity of the jurisdictional rulings, and prevented an unknown number of people from getting the kinds of timely healthcare for which they had registered their preferences in the global MedNet. Carlita was implicated in a pattern of patient misdirection that had begun years earlier in Mexico City. While she retained a license to practice, she was prohibited from working in any Hospice having a patient-transfer relationship with any MedCenter operated by HealthTech Resources. Consequently, she had elected to leave Los Angeles, and refused to disclose her destination.
Jen, having put her suspicions about what had happened to her cousin Vern to rest, was happily back in the flow of ensuring that life went smoothly at Kübler-Ross. When the data auditors at BlackBox recovered the missing incident report, she was satisfied that the flight her cousin had been on really did have an accident.
The insistent attention tone broke into Frank’s reverie. He blinked a few times, and then looked down at the familiar face on his display. “Yeah, Jen?”
“I know you wanted to be left alone, Frank, but you have a visitor.”
Frank hesitated upon stepping into the lobby, for Administrator Apuérto was standing near the information counter, admiring one of the free-form sculptures. He wasn’t entirely certain how the man felt about him, considering all that had happened since Frank had attempted to examine Jerry at the MedCenter.
At Frank’s approach, Apuérto nodded, and waited for him to make the first move.
“Join me for some coffee?” Frank said uneasily, concerned about whether the man’s unexpected visit was a prelude to some delayed retaliation for having kidnapped him and placed him in danger. On the way down the main hallway towards the break room, he added, “You wanted to see me?”
“Yes,” Apuérto said, “I’ve been meaning to thank you for helping to expose the problems in our process. I’m sure you’re aware of how much value we place on—”
“I’m sorry,” Frank said, stepping to the break room, “but I stopped following the case when the jury released me from duty. How did it turn out?”
They got drinks and sat at one of the tables.
“Okay, I suppose,” Apuérto said as he stirred in some milk, “but I’ve never been too clear on how these metasystem problems occur. After all, if you examine each of the processes on their own, they work perfectly fine. Yet, when you let them interact, when you have the solid processes developed for MedCenters, Insurance carriers and Hospices bump up against one another, all hell breaks loose.” He took a sip. “Speaking of which, how’s your neural problem doing?”
Frank grimaced. “When I realized that the experimental energy sprite wasn’t working properly, I had it removed, but then you probably know about that since it happened in the middle of testimony.”
Apuérto nodded. “So, what are you going to do? Try another sprite?”
“No. The Healer that set it up for me isn’t here any longer. She was one of the—”
“That’s right. She was in court that day, wasn’t she?”
Frank nodded. “I’d already left by then, so I don’t know how it happened.”
“It was odd, really.” Apuérto paused in thought. “One of the other people in court, the man sitting beside her, as I recall, actually implicated her.”
Wylie, Frank thought.
“It was one of those bizarre outbursts that got so overused in the early potboilers. Anyway, I had a thought. I’d like to offer our services, to help find a solution to your problem.”
Frank sat back.
“I know that gentech treatments are pretty expensive, but my staff tell me they have an idea that might work, and I’d like to give them a chance to find out.”
Frank took a drink.
Apuérto frowned. “Only if you’re willing, of course. Oh, it’s… it’s on the house, at no cost to you. My way of saying thanks.”
“Even though I put you in danger?”
“And saved my life.” The administrator looked around for a moment. “Oh, there’s one more thing. I brought this...” He fished in his pocket, and pulled out a sheet of digital paper, one of the flexiforms that circulated along with MedCenter patients. “It’s a transfer order. I think you know the man. We wanted to know if your staff could do anything beyond what we were able to.”
Frank read it twice before looking up. The name on the form was Jeraboam Suus.
“So, this is Pegwin,” Angela, said, while beeping the baby’s nose.
Mara adjusted her grip on Peg. “Hi Cynthia, Lenny. We just finished dinner, but you’re both welcome to join us for dessert. We’re having a minor celebration tonight.”
“Go shopping, did you?” Frank asked, indicating the first non-drab outfit he’d seen her in since they’d met. “By the way, would you prefer Cynthia or Angela.
“Angela. Yeah, well, after what we found out on Monday, there didn’t seem to be much point in staying quite that far underground. Besides, I’ve been thinking about heading back to Canberra, and wanted something nice to wear when I show Lenny around Parliament House.”
Mara smiled. “Does that mean you two are thinking about having a relationship.”
“Not exactly,” Lenny laughed, “we already have one. And after talking about it, we also realized that our talents complemented one another nicely, too. So we’re going to play tourist for a while just to get the feel of not being a solo act anymore, and we’ll take it from there.”
“Solo act?” Frank said. “I thought you worked with those people I ran into outside the courthouse. Like that woman who smashed my glasses?”
“Vanessa?” Lenny shook his head. “I guess you could call her a day-worker. If you walk into any town and stir up some trouble, you’ll have at least a few random helpers for a day or two. They come and go, but you rarely see any of them a second time.”
“Subliminals, no doubt,” Mara noted.
“Speaking of which,” Lenny said. “I think they moved it again.”
“Later, lover,” Angela said. Then, looking at Frank, she added, “So what’s the celebration?”
“Two things really. I officially went on leave this afternoon, and Mara comes off hers on Monday.”
“That’s right,” Mara said happily. “After what happened this week at the Aboriginal Nations Summit, the—”
“That’s right,” Angela said suddenly. “That was this week, wasn’t it. How did they handle Uru G’danic’s death?”
“Not well,” Frank said, “from what Alex tells us. He flew back to Halifax as soon as we got him released from temporary custody at the courthouse. There was a lot of low-level bickering among the delegates, what with the loss of G’danic’s insights and all, but at least the organization survived.”
Lenny frowned at the interruption. “You were saying, Mara?”
She nodded graciously. “Have you ever considered taking up facilitating?”
“I already do,” he laughed, “just in another context. You were saying…?”
“The Indigenous Peoples’ Coalition is one of the bodies that supports the ANO. In fact, we’d been instrumental in having created that organization in the first place. Anyway, what we do is help the various groups to work together on outside projects, but to do that, they have to be able to not only understand one another, but to think like one another. G’danic’s work was similar, but on a different scale. In his absence, though, we’re the means to the ends he’d spoken about.”
“And written about,” Frank added sadly. “But now nobody will ever read it.”
“Look,” Mara said, “before this gets me too melancholy, I’m going to get us all some cake.” She handed Peg to Frank.
As she rose to leave, Angela turned towards Frank, who was busy cuddling Peg. “Mara mentioned that. Wasn’t Alex planning to publish G’danic’s book?”
“He was, but with all of the files gone, there’s no way that’s going to happen.”
The discussion dead-ended at that point until Mara returned with four slices of chocolate raspberry cake with molé icing. After an impromptu salute to the future over raised forks, they shared a modern reflection of an ancient religious rite, and didn’t dilute the full effect of chocolate with idle chatter.
Lenny was the first to break the pleasant silence that followed. “I just had a thought. I heard that the files were destroyed, as well as any supporting materials, but has anyone read a reasonably complete draft of this guy’s book?”
“Sure,” Mara said. “Alex said that he did. Why?”
“Look, I’m no psychic,” Lenny said uneasily, “and I’m not too clear on how you do these things, but there’s been a lot in the news this week about why the courts use psychics to monitor testimony. The thing that caught my interest was the idea that you could actually pick out more detail from a witness’ memories than the witness might be able to recall. Is that true?”
“Sure,” Frank said. “That’s how I…”
Angela picked up the slack. “It’s true. Why?”
“Well,” Lenny said, “if that’s so, then wouldn’t you be able to just extract a copy of it from Alex’s memory?”
Frank sat back. “That’s an interesting idea, but it’s just not that simple. There are all kinds of memories: sounds, sights, smells, even thoughts and emotions. It’s tricky enough to pull the details from those sorts of memories. But to get an entire book?”
Angela held up a hand. “Wait a bit.” She looked at Lenny briefly. “He might be onto something here. What if you put Alex into a light trance, and had him remember reading the book.” She turned towards Frank. “Then, if you were linked to him, and had a voice-rec unit handy, you could read it aloud and have the thing transcribed. It might work.”
Frank looked at her doubtfully.
“What can you lose? The worst that can happen is that it doesn’t work, and you don’t have a copy of a book that’s already lost.” After a pause, she added, “Well, if you don’t have another attack in the midst of it, anyway. What are you going to do about that neural problem?”
“I didn’t really want to take him up on his offer, but…”
“Offer?” Mara said.
“Yeah. When Apuérto came over to the Hospice today with Jerry’s transfer order, he also offered to have his gentech staff work up a solution to this thing. He said it would be on the house, in thanks for saving his life and all. It’s just that MedCenters are so uncomfortable to be in, and I’d have to go there a number of times.”
“Stop whining, Frank,” Angela scolded him. “I think this is a bit more important than your being uncomfortable for a while. Think about what it means to Mara, what it means to Alex. Heck, think what it might mean for the whole world.”
Frank looked at the floor. “Well…”
“Lenny,” she said, “I think we’d best leave these two to talk it over.”
… A few weeks later …
Alex LeBlanc returned to Los Angeles on the strength of a cryptic request from his sister. She’d told him only that it had to do with a new book that she thought he might be interested in publishing. Needing a break after the depressing time he’d spent at the Summit, he took the first sub-orbital flight out, and on a reputable carrier.
Neither Mara nor Frank said a word about it on their way back from Columbia Spaceport, and continued to keep him in the dark through dinner as well. Finally, halfway through dessert, Alex finally broke.
“I can’t stand this any longer, sis,” he said, waving his fork at her. “What’s the secret? What’s the book? Who’s the author? When do we meet?”
Mara laughed. “You already know all that.”
“What?”
Frank pointed at him. “You’ve already read it, anyway.”
Alex jabbed his fork into the remains of his cake, and left it standing there like Excalibur before Arthur happened by. “Are you going to tell me what this is about, or am I going to have to hold your daughter for ransom?”
“All right,” Frank said, hands raised. “I think it’s called ‘Becoming Contextual,’ or something like that.”
Alex stared at him. “G’danic’s book? But there’s not a shred left of it!”
“We think there is,” Mara said. “Now finish your dessert.”
With his mouth full of cake, Alex pointed to his empty plate. “Okay,” he said, almost unintelligibly, “Where’s the book?”
Mara reached towards him and tapped his head. “In there.”
He struggled to swallow the cake. “What?”
“You said you’d read it.”
He shook his head. “So what? It’s not like I have a photographic memory or something.”
Frank smiled. “You don’t have to. It’s still in there. Some friends of ours suggested that I link with you, and read it into a voicerec unit.”
“But…” Alex sat back, blinked a few times, and then dropped his jaw.
Later that evening, with the gentle sound of Mara’s favorite acoustic artist at the fringe of audibility, Frank helped Alex into a light trance.
“Okay,” he said softly, “I want to you remember the day you sat down to read G’danic’s manuscript. Put all of the distractions of that day away, and focus only on the book. You’ve got the title page in front of you, and there’s nothing else in the world more important than reading this book. Stay there while I link in, and then we can read it together.”
Frank had been to East-Side MedCenter a half dozen times over the past few weeks, enduring its psychic maelstrom during the lengthy process of setting up and tuning the gentech meds. His initial visit had been the worst, and not just because of the samples and tests they needed. Worse than that was the occasional unplanned glimpse into the anguish broadcast by some of the patients.
The MedCenter team finished their work a few days earlier, and Mara called Alex soon after that. This would be Frank’s first deep link with the gentech in his system, and he wasn’t too thrilled with the possibility of learning how well it worked with Mara’s brother at risk. But since they were both willing to take the risk, he closed his eyes, slowed his breath, and reached into Alex’s mind.
The first thing he noticed was that it was more difficult to synch properly with the memory substrate. Assuming that it was simply a matter of acclimatizing to the subtle biochemical differences caused by the specially tuned proteins, he took a bit longer than usual to bring the image that Alex was focusing on into view.
“ ‘Becoming Contextual’,” Frank said aloud, “ ‘ by Uru G’danic’.”
‘Okay Alex,’ he thought, ‘I see it now. All you need to do from here is to listen to my voice. While I read it from your memory, the words will reinforce your remembered experience of having read the manuscript, and that in turn will keep the rest of your memory of the experience going. It will act like a feedback loop or an attractor, and it will feel like falling into a state of flow, keeping us both focused on the book. The voicerec unit will transcribe what I say, but you’ll still need to edit it when we’re finished.’
As he read, Frank became less and less aware of the world around him, and even of the fact that he was reading aloud. Flow had taken hold, and he was happily submerged in the reality of words, of the patterns of sound they made, and of the memories they drew towards them from both his own mind and from Alex’s.
But there was something else, a sense that some other awareness was watching, listening to what he read, and helping to keep the flow of what Uru G’danic had to say from being disturbed.
‘We showed me a voice,’ it thought privately, ‘and it was mine, but it is still no longer.’
THE END
(TOC)
submitted by Gznork26 to shortstories [link] [comments]
by P. Orin Zack
[2003]
Chapter Sixteen
“Have you got it?” Mara said apprehensively when Angela joined her outside the courtroom.
“Yeah.” The Australian smiled conspiratorially and opened her hand, revealing the shiny device that had been knocked from their adversary’s grip. She nudged it with her thumb to examine the bisected sunrise design engraved on its face, and then tucked it away in her pack. “Great suggestion, by the way. Ever considered taking up subversion as a hobby?”
Mara laughed grimly. “I’m beginning to think I already have. If killing Uru G’danic is part of the GD’s peacekeeping strategy, then mediating conflicts at the Indigenous People’s Coalition might actually qualify.”
Angela looked around at the milling crowd, and then nodded towards the stairs. “Let’s go. I don’t know how much time we’ve got.”
Keeping pace, Mara glanced at her. “Time for what?”
“To have a word with that bastard.” A few steps later, she added, “In private.”
Mara slowed slightly. “But how? The detention room must be locked now. Wouldn’t the biometrics keep you out?”
“They would, except that I asked Lenny to add me to the access list this morning.” She picked up the pace, and started down the stairs. “Call it a hunch, like knowing when to change lanes in traffic. I’ll have to thank Frank for introducing us.”
Since there were several people in the detention hallway when they arrived, Angela slowed to a casual stroll and Mara followed suit.
As they reached the first room, Mara stopped and glanced at the other two doors. “Which one is he in, and which one has Alex?”
“Since they’re shielded,” Angela said, “I can’t tell from out here, so we’ll just have to open them and see.” She grabbed the handle and pushed, but it didn’t move. “That answers one question. Since it’s locked, one of them is in here.” She pulled an ID out of her pack and slid it past the reader. “Phony, of course, but it matches my biometrics, in a round-about sort of way.” Then, she showed the laser target her right eye, and a soft tone sounded. “If anyone comes along,” she said, grabbing the handle, “make sure they go away.”
In one smooth motion, she pushed the door open, stepped inside, and closed it behind her. “Remember me?” she said to their adversary, who was facing a map of MexAmerica on the far wall.
“Healer Pascoe,” he said, turning towards her. “Or should I say, Angela. After all, you can’t practice any—”
“Shut up, you son of a bitch,” she shouted, stepping closer. “This isn’t about me.”
“It is now,” he said ominously.
“Just who the hell are you, anyway?”
He smiled, and in so doing made it all the more obvious just how young he really was. She judged him to be in his early twenties, twenty-four at most, but with a swaggering sense of power that should have been unnatural for someone even twice his age. He was dressed in that nether region separating casual and professional, with just enough flash to fit into either group, but not enough believability to stay there very long.
When he didn’t answer, she reached in her pack and slammed the small device onto the table separating them. “And what’s this?”
He started to lunge towards it, so she snapped it up and held it in her fist. “I don’t know what this thing is, or how it works, but Frank and I both saw you using it in Apuérto’s memory. And I think you were about to use it a few minutes ago in court.”
He stared at her fist, as she shook it in the air at him.
“What does it do? What happens when you go translucent?”
Still nothing.
She folded her arms. “And what do murder, manipulating healthcare and character assassination have to do with the GD peacekeepers, if that’s who you really work for?”
He snorted. “What rock have you been hiding under, anyway? Did you think the human race hasn’t destroyed itself for the past century out of courtesy or something?”
“It was a glacier, not a rock, you self-important slug,” she said sharply. “Making that ice cave appear under Franz Joseph last year was your doing, wasn’t it?”
He nodded stiffly. “An unavoidable side-effect that I’ve regretted ever since, if you really must know.”
“Which means,” she said, pleased at being vindicated, “that whatever you people are doing is far from perfect.”
“Oh, I see,” he said, “and you’ve never made a mistake? Just who the hell do you think you are to be challenging me like that?”
“That’s what I’m here to find out. Now tell me your name!”
He just stared at her.
“A name,” she said stolidly. “I want your name, or I walk out of here and hand this thing to the media.”
He laughed. “Right. And what are you going to tell them? That it’s the ultimate weapon? That it can make people invisible so they can spy at meetings?”
“No,” she said quietly, “I’ll tell them that you can use it to warp events any way you want, that you can cause impossible accidents, change reality. Things like that.”
“And you expect them to believe you?”
“They will,” she whispered, “once I’ve showed them.”
He shook his head. “Not likely. It’s keyed to my DNA.”
She smiled. “Thanks for the tip. Now what’s your name?”
“Vacca,” he said, with a cocky nod, “Ernie Vacca.”
“Thank you. Now sit.”
He sat. “Okay. Now what?”
She held up the gadget again. “What is this thing?”
“It’s called a Synergizer. Sort of a cross between a psychic shield and a destabilizer, if that means anything to you.”
She tapped the symbol etched into it. “And this? What does it mean?”
“Look,” he said, irritably, “if you want to play show-and-tell, I’m really not interested.”
“The symbol?” she repeated, forcefully.
Vacca shook his head. “If you knew half as much about symbols as you did about creating false identities, you’d realize that it means transcendence in half-a-dozen cultures.”
She turned it to face her. “That’s a pretty strange sentiment for a group that goes around killing people, unless of course you meant it to represent the journey you’ve forced people like Uru G’danic and Vern Cuoku to take.”
He huffed. “Come on, Angela. Neither of them were my doing.”
She looked him in the eye. “An associate then? One of the other members of… what is this so-called peacekeeping organization called, anyway?”
Before Vacca had a chance to answer, Frank threw the door open.
“But who’s Lenny?” Mara uselessly asked the air as he passed by.
When Angela saw Ernie suddenly look up, she turned around and rose from her seat. “Frank, stop!” she yelled, both hands raised in protest.
Seeing the gadget, Frank grabbed it from her and buried it in his fist.
Behind him, Mara stepped in, slammed the door, and glanced quickly at each in turn, sizing up the situation.
Vacca looked at Frank doubtfully. “What do you think you’re doing with that?”
Frank sneered back. “I don’t know what this thing is, you asshole, but if you don’t tell me what you did to Jerry Suus, I swear I’ll beat you to death with it!”
“Frank!” Mara yelled sharply. When he turned to look at her, she continued in a strong but even voice. “You won’t get any answers from a dead man.”
Angela pried his hand open. “Give me that thing, Frank. Vacca here says it’s keyed to his DNA.”
He looked at her, then at the man sitting across the table. “So you have a name. Great. Now tell me what that thing is.”
Vacca shook his head in amusement. “As I was just telling Angela here, it’s a—”
“Angela?” Frank and Mara said at once.
She frowned. “Later.”
“As I was saying,” Vacca continued, “it’s a synergizer, not that it’ll mean anything to you.” He rubbed his neck briefly. “Listen, do you think you can sit down? I’m getting a stiff neck looking up at all of you.”
Reluctantly, Frank joined Angela at the table. Mara joined them a moment later.
“Now, then,” Angela said, “we want some answers. A lot of pretty nasty things have been going on, and not just here in Los Angeles, from what Mara told me. The thing is, for some reason, they all seem to involve you, or at least this GD peacekeeping agency you supposedly work for. What are you after, anyway?”
Vacca smiled, if that’s what you could call it. “Peace.”
“Yeah, right,” Frank snarled. “You certainly have a funny way of going about it: killing people, arranging accidents, messing with people’s lives.”
“Messing with causality,” Angela added, “character assassination, wiping people’s memories. Should I go on?”
“It’s not that simple,” Vacca protested. “The world is a very complicated place. If we didn’t proactively manage conflict, the world would have blown itself up years ago.”
“Conflict management?” Mara said suddenly. “Is that what this is about?”
“Of course,” Vacca said calmly. “Why do you think there hasn’t been a real war in a hundred years? The com channel subliminals reduce the need to intervene, but—”
“Yeah, Yeah. I’ve heard your so-called voice of reason.” Angela said. “A former co-worker of yours tells me that they originate in an office block right here in L.A.”
Vacca flinched. “You’ve heard—?”
“Well I haven’t,” Frank said suddenly. “What do they say?”
“Nothing harmful,” Vacca said uneasily, still watching Angela. “They remind people to follow the rules, and tells them that they are safe and secure. It’s just good PR, that’s all.”
Frank struck the table. “I’ve had enough of this bullshit. What do conflict management and subliminal PR have to do with murdering mathematicians like Vern Cuoku? Or with whatever it was that you did to Jerry Suus?”
Mara snorted. “Or with making sure that Uru G’danic never gets a chance to finish what he’s started, bringing the world’s aboriginal peoples together in common cause?”
Vacca took a long breath. “I told you already. It’s all about keeping the peace. And even with the subliminals, we still need information about what certain individuals and groups are planning. There are too many people on this planet to keep track of all of them. So we hire outside help, people like Korn and Gutiérez—”
Frank snorted. “Yeah. And I suppose you have them all convinced that spying on patients, breaking the Healer’s Oath, is a noble act?”
“Cut the crap, Frank.” Vacca shouted. “You’ve done far worse during your short time on that jury, and I’m sure you used the same rationale, that it’s for a higher purpose.”
Frank frowned, stinging from the sudden pain of forced introspection.
“So, yeah,” Vacca continued, “we use people like Carlita Gutiérez, to gather intelligence from individuals we arrange for them to see. And we need people like Allan Wylie to manage them.”
Angela shook her head in disgust. “What a crock! So when some of these people you suspect of whatever you want to charge them with get offended by having to shell out more for their healthcare, and draw a suit against some of the businesses you make use of, it threatens to blow the cover off your twisted little scheme, and you panic.”
Vacca rose out of his seat. “All of those people, and a lot of others, threaten the peace because of the ideas they spread, or because of the movements they support.”
“Give me a break, Vacca.” Frank said. “What kind of paranoid fantasy do you people live in anyway? How can a mathematician possibly threaten the peace?”
“To tell you the truth, you self-righteous jerk,” he said, leaning over the table on his outstretched hands. “I neither know nor care. All we do is watch for conflict, and make sure it doesn’t happen.”
Frank held the gadget up and shook his hand. “That’s what this thing’s for, isn’t it?”
Vacca straightened and crossed his arms. “Yes. The synergizer lets us see into the TimeStream, to spot signs of impending conflict, and gives us a way to encourage the events that avoid those conflicts.”
“And I suppose,” Mara said gently, “that it also enables you to encourage events that eliminate the people causing those alleged conflicts. People like Uru G’danic.”
Vacca just stared at her.
“And the people who threaten to expose you.” Mara said. “Like Alex and me. Like Jerry Suus.”
Angela snorted. “Even former employees it seems.”
He looked down at his hands, now splayed in front of him. “What was done to your friend Jerry shouldn’t have been necessary. The idea is to not be noticed. It’s just that he’d managed to snag a loose end.”
“A loose end?” Frank echoed incredulously. “Great. I’m sure Jen will be thrilled to learn that her cousin Vern was nothing but a loose end to you people.”
Angela glanced the others. “For that matter, I suppose you’re going to have to shut all of us up, too?”
Frank laughed. “It’s a bit too late for that, isn’t it?” Then he turned towards Vacca. “So what are you going to do?”
Vacca shook his head. “I’m not going to do anything.” He stared at Frank for a moment. “The fact that you’ve trapped me here just means that we’re all now part of a potential conflict that’ll have to be detoured. I know what you’re thinking, and it won’t help. Impending conflicts are easy to spot. With the synergizer, they look like a standing wave in front of a boulder in a stream. So don’t spend any time worrying about it. This ‘situation’ is already being taken care of.” He casually gestured at the gadget on the table. “A friend of mine, the agent who dealt with G’danic and Cuoku, is watching the patterns we’re making in the TimeStream right now. And when he’s ready, he’ll use his synergizer to make sure it doesn’t come to anything.”
“Just like that, huh?” Mara sighed. “And I suppose it doesn’t bother you to know what you’ve destroyed, to know how important G’danic’s work really was, or how his vision of the future could have made your absurd methods unnecessary.”
Vacca didn’t answer immediately. “That’s the part that bothers me,” he said quietly. “I do think about that. I wonder what we’ve traded off these past hundred years in the name of peace.”
Angela leaned towards him. “Then do something about it. You’re inside the agency. Take advantage of that position and see what you can do.”
He laughed weakly. “Sure, like what Jerry Suus wanted that juror to do on this case? Don’t you see? The technology makes it a self-correcting system. If anyone gets out of line and tries to make trouble, the others will see it coming and head it off.”
“Like,” Frank said, with dark amusement, “putting humanity on BioStabilization, and keeping some imaginary ‘peace organ’ in its happy little, deady dull attractor. Sure it’s peaceful, but it is still alive? Is it worth it?”
They were all silent for a time, none of them sure of what to say or why. Then, Vacca slid his chair back and stood up to stretch. “By the way,” he said at last, there’s one bit of this that escapes me.”
“Oh?” Frank said.
“Yeah. Who was that guy that decked me in the courtroom? I didn’t see that coming.”
Mara smiled. “My brother Alex. He has a talent for dancing out of people’s way, then hitting them from out of nowhere. That’s why he started a publishing company.”
“Oh, my,” Frank said suddenly. “Shouldn’t we see about getting him out of lockup?”
… Friday …
Getting back into the patterns of life, or of work, after a disruption as severe as the one that Frank had just been through always took a while. He’d gone into hiding, in a manner of speaking, since being released from duty at the courthouse on Monday. Everyone at Kübler-Ross Hospice Center was aware of the need for people with the heightened sensitivities required to be a Healer to free themselves of inner conflicts over their abilities, or about the value of what they did to help their patients. They knew that the pressure placed on Frank by the court, and the unwanted attention given him by the press would have lasting effects. Except for Jen, however, none of them really understood the toll it had taken on his sense of self-worth.
He’d asked for time to recover, for an open-ended leave-of-absence, and was supported in every way by the entire team. He’d stayed home the past few days to decompress, but today he had come to Kübler-Ross to clean up his office, to make certain that all of his patients were properly handed off to co-workers, and to say goodbye to some of the staff, at least for now, in person.
Frank put the report he was reviewing away, and stopped to stare out the window. One person he wouldn’t be seeing was Carlita Gutiérez. In the flurry of revelations that erupted after Dr. Glacksdóttir’s testimony that day, a number of people at Hospice Centers, MedCenters and Insurance offices worldwide were implicated in a far-ranging scheme that not only benefited both corporations named in the suit, but indirectly threatened the integrity of the jurisdictional rulings, and prevented an unknown number of people from getting the kinds of timely healthcare for which they had registered their preferences in the global MedNet. Carlita was implicated in a pattern of patient misdirection that had begun years earlier in Mexico City. While she retained a license to practice, she was prohibited from working in any Hospice having a patient-transfer relationship with any MedCenter operated by HealthTech Resources. Consequently, she had elected to leave Los Angeles, and refused to disclose her destination.
Jen, having put her suspicions about what had happened to her cousin Vern to rest, was happily back in the flow of ensuring that life went smoothly at Kübler-Ross. When the data auditors at BlackBox recovered the missing incident report, she was satisfied that the flight her cousin had been on really did have an accident.
The insistent attention tone broke into Frank’s reverie. He blinked a few times, and then looked down at the familiar face on his display. “Yeah, Jen?”
“I know you wanted to be left alone, Frank, but you have a visitor.”
Frank hesitated upon stepping into the lobby, for Administrator Apuérto was standing near the information counter, admiring one of the free-form sculptures. He wasn’t entirely certain how the man felt about him, considering all that had happened since Frank had attempted to examine Jerry at the MedCenter.
At Frank’s approach, Apuérto nodded, and waited for him to make the first move.
“Join me for some coffee?” Frank said uneasily, concerned about whether the man’s unexpected visit was a prelude to some delayed retaliation for having kidnapped him and placed him in danger. On the way down the main hallway towards the break room, he added, “You wanted to see me?”
“Yes,” Apuérto said, “I’ve been meaning to thank you for helping to expose the problems in our process. I’m sure you’re aware of how much value we place on—”
“I’m sorry,” Frank said, stepping to the break room, “but I stopped following the case when the jury released me from duty. How did it turn out?”
They got drinks and sat at one of the tables.
“Okay, I suppose,” Apuérto said as he stirred in some milk, “but I’ve never been too clear on how these metasystem problems occur. After all, if you examine each of the processes on their own, they work perfectly fine. Yet, when you let them interact, when you have the solid processes developed for MedCenters, Insurance carriers and Hospices bump up against one another, all hell breaks loose.” He took a sip. “Speaking of which, how’s your neural problem doing?”
Frank grimaced. “When I realized that the experimental energy sprite wasn’t working properly, I had it removed, but then you probably know about that since it happened in the middle of testimony.”
Apuérto nodded. “So, what are you going to do? Try another sprite?”
“No. The Healer that set it up for me isn’t here any longer. She was one of the—”
“That’s right. She was in court that day, wasn’t she?”
Frank nodded. “I’d already left by then, so I don’t know how it happened.”
“It was odd, really.” Apuérto paused in thought. “One of the other people in court, the man sitting beside her, as I recall, actually implicated her.”
Wylie, Frank thought.
“It was one of those bizarre outbursts that got so overused in the early potboilers. Anyway, I had a thought. I’d like to offer our services, to help find a solution to your problem.”
Frank sat back.
“I know that gentech treatments are pretty expensive, but my staff tell me they have an idea that might work, and I’d like to give them a chance to find out.”
Frank took a drink.
Apuérto frowned. “Only if you’re willing, of course. Oh, it’s… it’s on the house, at no cost to you. My way of saying thanks.”
“Even though I put you in danger?”
“And saved my life.” The administrator looked around for a moment. “Oh, there’s one more thing. I brought this...” He fished in his pocket, and pulled out a sheet of digital paper, one of the flexiforms that circulated along with MedCenter patients. “It’s a transfer order. I think you know the man. We wanted to know if your staff could do anything beyond what we were able to.”
Frank read it twice before looking up. The name on the form was Jeraboam Suus.
“So, this is Pegwin,” Angela, said, while beeping the baby’s nose.
Mara adjusted her grip on Peg. “Hi Cynthia, Lenny. We just finished dinner, but you’re both welcome to join us for dessert. We’re having a minor celebration tonight.”
“Go shopping, did you?” Frank asked, indicating the first non-drab outfit he’d seen her in since they’d met. “By the way, would you prefer Cynthia or Angela.
“Angela. Yeah, well, after what we found out on Monday, there didn’t seem to be much point in staying quite that far underground. Besides, I’ve been thinking about heading back to Canberra, and wanted something nice to wear when I show Lenny around Parliament House.”
Mara smiled. “Does that mean you two are thinking about having a relationship.”
“Not exactly,” Lenny laughed, “we already have one. And after talking about it, we also realized that our talents complemented one another nicely, too. So we’re going to play tourist for a while just to get the feel of not being a solo act anymore, and we’ll take it from there.”
“Solo act?” Frank said. “I thought you worked with those people I ran into outside the courthouse. Like that woman who smashed my glasses?”
“Vanessa?” Lenny shook his head. “I guess you could call her a day-worker. If you walk into any town and stir up some trouble, you’ll have at least a few random helpers for a day or two. They come and go, but you rarely see any of them a second time.”
“Subliminals, no doubt,” Mara noted.
“Speaking of which,” Lenny said. “I think they moved it again.”
“Later, lover,” Angela said. Then, looking at Frank, she added, “So what’s the celebration?”
“Two things really. I officially went on leave this afternoon, and Mara comes off hers on Monday.”
“That’s right,” Mara said happily. “After what happened this week at the Aboriginal Nations Summit, the—”
“That’s right,” Angela said suddenly. “That was this week, wasn’t it. How did they handle Uru G’danic’s death?”
“Not well,” Frank said, “from what Alex tells us. He flew back to Halifax as soon as we got him released from temporary custody at the courthouse. There was a lot of low-level bickering among the delegates, what with the loss of G’danic’s insights and all, but at least the organization survived.”
Lenny frowned at the interruption. “You were saying, Mara?”
She nodded graciously. “Have you ever considered taking up facilitating?”
“I already do,” he laughed, “just in another context. You were saying…?”
“The Indigenous Peoples’ Coalition is one of the bodies that supports the ANO. In fact, we’d been instrumental in having created that organization in the first place. Anyway, what we do is help the various groups to work together on outside projects, but to do that, they have to be able to not only understand one another, but to think like one another. G’danic’s work was similar, but on a different scale. In his absence, though, we’re the means to the ends he’d spoken about.”
“And written about,” Frank added sadly. “But now nobody will ever read it.”
“Look,” Mara said, “before this gets me too melancholy, I’m going to get us all some cake.” She handed Peg to Frank.
As she rose to leave, Angela turned towards Frank, who was busy cuddling Peg. “Mara mentioned that. Wasn’t Alex planning to publish G’danic’s book?”
“He was, but with all of the files gone, there’s no way that’s going to happen.”
The discussion dead-ended at that point until Mara returned with four slices of chocolate raspberry cake with molé icing. After an impromptu salute to the future over raised forks, they shared a modern reflection of an ancient religious rite, and didn’t dilute the full effect of chocolate with idle chatter.
Lenny was the first to break the pleasant silence that followed. “I just had a thought. I heard that the files were destroyed, as well as any supporting materials, but has anyone read a reasonably complete draft of this guy’s book?”
“Sure,” Mara said. “Alex said that he did. Why?”
“Look, I’m no psychic,” Lenny said uneasily, “and I’m not too clear on how you do these things, but there’s been a lot in the news this week about why the courts use psychics to monitor testimony. The thing that caught my interest was the idea that you could actually pick out more detail from a witness’ memories than the witness might be able to recall. Is that true?”
“Sure,” Frank said. “That’s how I…”
Angela picked up the slack. “It’s true. Why?”
“Well,” Lenny said, “if that’s so, then wouldn’t you be able to just extract a copy of it from Alex’s memory?”
Frank sat back. “That’s an interesting idea, but it’s just not that simple. There are all kinds of memories: sounds, sights, smells, even thoughts and emotions. It’s tricky enough to pull the details from those sorts of memories. But to get an entire book?”
Angela held up a hand. “Wait a bit.” She looked at Lenny briefly. “He might be onto something here. What if you put Alex into a light trance, and had him remember reading the book.” She turned towards Frank. “Then, if you were linked to him, and had a voice-rec unit handy, you could read it aloud and have the thing transcribed. It might work.”
Frank looked at her doubtfully.
“What can you lose? The worst that can happen is that it doesn’t work, and you don’t have a copy of a book that’s already lost.” After a pause, she added, “Well, if you don’t have another attack in the midst of it, anyway. What are you going to do about that neural problem?”
“I didn’t really want to take him up on his offer, but…”
“Offer?” Mara said.
“Yeah. When Apuérto came over to the Hospice today with Jerry’s transfer order, he also offered to have his gentech staff work up a solution to this thing. He said it would be on the house, in thanks for saving his life and all. It’s just that MedCenters are so uncomfortable to be in, and I’d have to go there a number of times.”
“Stop whining, Frank,” Angela scolded him. “I think this is a bit more important than your being uncomfortable for a while. Think about what it means to Mara, what it means to Alex. Heck, think what it might mean for the whole world.”
Frank looked at the floor. “Well…”
“Lenny,” she said, “I think we’d best leave these two to talk it over.”
… A few weeks later …
Alex LeBlanc returned to Los Angeles on the strength of a cryptic request from his sister. She’d told him only that it had to do with a new book that she thought he might be interested in publishing. Needing a break after the depressing time he’d spent at the Summit, he took the first sub-orbital flight out, and on a reputable carrier.
Neither Mara nor Frank said a word about it on their way back from Columbia Spaceport, and continued to keep him in the dark through dinner as well. Finally, halfway through dessert, Alex finally broke.
“I can’t stand this any longer, sis,” he said, waving his fork at her. “What’s the secret? What’s the book? Who’s the author? When do we meet?”
Mara laughed. “You already know all that.”
“What?”
Frank pointed at him. “You’ve already read it, anyway.”
Alex jabbed his fork into the remains of his cake, and left it standing there like Excalibur before Arthur happened by. “Are you going to tell me what this is about, or am I going to have to hold your daughter for ransom?”
“All right,” Frank said, hands raised. “I think it’s called ‘Becoming Contextual,’ or something like that.”
Alex stared at him. “G’danic’s book? But there’s not a shred left of it!”
“We think there is,” Mara said. “Now finish your dessert.”
With his mouth full of cake, Alex pointed to his empty plate. “Okay,” he said, almost unintelligibly, “Where’s the book?”
Mara reached towards him and tapped his head. “In there.”
He struggled to swallow the cake. “What?”
“You said you’d read it.”
He shook his head. “So what? It’s not like I have a photographic memory or something.”
Frank smiled. “You don’t have to. It’s still in there. Some friends of ours suggested that I link with you, and read it into a voicerec unit.”
“But…” Alex sat back, blinked a few times, and then dropped his jaw.
Later that evening, with the gentle sound of Mara’s favorite acoustic artist at the fringe of audibility, Frank helped Alex into a light trance.
“Okay,” he said softly, “I want to you remember the day you sat down to read G’danic’s manuscript. Put all of the distractions of that day away, and focus only on the book. You’ve got the title page in front of you, and there’s nothing else in the world more important than reading this book. Stay there while I link in, and then we can read it together.”
Frank had been to East-Side MedCenter a half dozen times over the past few weeks, enduring its psychic maelstrom during the lengthy process of setting up and tuning the gentech meds. His initial visit had been the worst, and not just because of the samples and tests they needed. Worse than that was the occasional unplanned glimpse into the anguish broadcast by some of the patients.
The MedCenter team finished their work a few days earlier, and Mara called Alex soon after that. This would be Frank’s first deep link with the gentech in his system, and he wasn’t too thrilled with the possibility of learning how well it worked with Mara’s brother at risk. But since they were both willing to take the risk, he closed his eyes, slowed his breath, and reached into Alex’s mind.
The first thing he noticed was that it was more difficult to synch properly with the memory substrate. Assuming that it was simply a matter of acclimatizing to the subtle biochemical differences caused by the specially tuned proteins, he took a bit longer than usual to bring the image that Alex was focusing on into view.
“ ‘Becoming Contextual’,” Frank said aloud, “ ‘ by Uru G’danic’.”
‘Okay Alex,’ he thought, ‘I see it now. All you need to do from here is to listen to my voice. While I read it from your memory, the words will reinforce your remembered experience of having read the manuscript, and that in turn will keep the rest of your memory of the experience going. It will act like a feedback loop or an attractor, and it will feel like falling into a state of flow, keeping us both focused on the book. The voicerec unit will transcribe what I say, but you’ll still need to edit it when we’re finished.’
“ ‘Introduction,’” Frank recited.
‘Everything is alive. Everything is aware. However, to know itself, the everything needed to stand aside, to see itself as it if was something else.
This basic concept has been expressed in countless ways, by countless bits of the everything as it strives to know itself. Not just by people, for we are not the only bits of the everything capable of enabling it to know itself. For consciousness is a continuum, one that stretches from micro to macro, and one form of awareness, be it in a person or in a rock, is like that of all others.’
As he read, Frank became less and less aware of the world around him, and even of the fact that he was reading aloud. Flow had taken hold, and he was happily submerged in the reality of words, of the patterns of sound they made, and of the memories they drew towards them from both his own mind and from Alex’s.
But there was something else, a sense that some other awareness was watching, listening to what he read, and helping to keep the flow of what Uru G’danic had to say from being disturbed.
‘We showed me a voice,’ it thought privately, ‘and it was mine, but it is still no longer.’
THE END
(TOC)