Crazy quotes for picnik

Why do women always treat me like crap? I think I do everything the opposite of what society tells me to do… being the nice guy doesn’t really pay off lol. No matter what woman it is that says they like u eventually they just lose interest and on to the next man. Like I’m some source of entertainment in their brains… I just don’t get it. You may have seen previous posts of mine I never had a gf yes… I can’t even get friends and I have had way worser experiences with women over men just talking to “generally speaking”. Why is this women? Do u just get bored when a guy shows u to much attention? And the problem is it’s not like it’s only some women like this… it’s all women guys they all eventually get bored of u when u show them ur interested. The quote treat them like a celebrity and they’ll treat you like a fan is so true and relates to me so much even tho I don’t idolize women… I still get treated like I’m some fan for showing interest i officially gave up on dating I’m really sick and tired of all of women’s bs excuses and lies that they like attention and complain about not getting loved… when there r so many guys out there that just want a loving relationship and marriage… ik for a fact they do because I met a lot of guys like that but we never get a chance lol so pls everyone stop spreading lies to us guys saying we will find love eventually. IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. I wish I was born in a generation where technology isn’t involved and maybe then I would have my dream of actually meeting someone who loves me for who I am but honestly guys we r hopeless out here. Yes I agree with women too I’m not a misogynist by no means. A lot of guys suck and are horny and lustful but with that being said… there is a lot of guys out here like me who just want to love on a woman for the rest of our lives… I genuinely don’t understand why no one in this world thinks like me because women find me crazy like I’m some sort of monster when I speak about feelings… needless to say I genuinely believe I’m destined for no hope and no love but atleast I have God… no friends, no lover, no loving family but it’s cool because God is all u need remember dat ppl. Much love to all of yall out there and God bless I was just speaking what was on my mind ❤️

Hi guys! I just really need help knowing if I’m crazy or not.
I (19 F) have a girlfriend (19 F) and we’ve been on and off again for a couple years. I’ll call her Jenny. We met online, and live 3.5 hours apart driving distance, so even though it’s do-able, we both struggle with not being able to see each other often with work, school, and other things. Right before I moved across the country for college Jenny “cheated” on me. I use quotes because we disagree here. About 8 months ago, I got screenshots and recordings from Jenny’s ex showing that they’d been talking for about 2 months towards the end of our relationship. We had broken up for different reasons a couple weeks earlier. No flirtatious messages were sent between them while we were actually in a relationship, but while we were dating, Jenny still went behind my back and talked to her ex after I’d already told her that I didn’t want them communicating. Even after we had broken up, she was still making it known that our breakup wasn’t final. Nothing physical happened, and they didn’t flirt while Jenny was with me, but I find it disrespectful and weird for her to go out of her way to hide that from me. Especially with her telling me that she loved me. During the time that we were on opposite sides of the country for college, she partied and hooked up with people, one of which being her current friend. Since then, we’ve worked on our ourselves separately in order to make our relationship work and forgiven each other for various things.
Now to the main point. I just got home from college today and Jenny and I have had this plan to move in together for about 2 months. We think living together would really help our relationship but I’m kind of getting hesitant because of this one reason. The first person that Jenny hooked up with was a girl that is now her friend. I’ll call her Emma. Both Jenny and Emma got drunk at a party with their friends and ended up hooking up over 6 months ago. At first they weren’t really friends with each other, but now they’re super close. Even though I know that Jenny only sees Emma as a friend, I still get super jealous and uncomfortable at the thought of them hanging out. Maybe as a subconscious fear? It’s not just the fact that they hang out together, but the fact that they seem so close. Even the mention of Emma’s name makes me feel hurt and embarrassed, but in every group photo Jenny and Emma are always right next to each other. Not even just close, but touching. It makes me unbelievably mad, but I usually don’t say anything because I want Jenny to feel like she can talk to me about anything. I have mentioned being uncomfortable about it before and anytime that Emma’s name is brought up I instantly shut down because I just don’t know what to say. It’s always the excuse that they’re just friends, and I do really believe that, but the part that rubs me the wrong way is that they’re always touching more than I think is appropriate. (I’ve seen pictures of them laying on top of each other, pressing their cheeks together in selfies, or just linking arms in group photos) One of their mutual friends has also commented on how it seems like there’s something romantic between them. Jenny has offered to explain this comment to me but i refused to hear it. My argument is that if she cared enough about me, she wouldn’t be that close to her all the time, let alone sending the pictures to me or posting them online. Jenny’s argument is that they’re just close friends. I’ve never met Emma, and honestly, I don’t want to. I’ve mentioned that Jenny should cut Emma off and she’s agreed, but I know she doesn’t really want to. I’m trying to act like that’s good enough for me but when i see them act like that together it’s just not. I don’t think I can imagine being in a relationship with Jenny if Emma is still in the picture, but I know her whole friend group will hate me for it. Is this something I should forget about or is it actually serious?

There was book that I saw a long time ago that I’m looking for now. I don’t remember the topic but I think it was a philosophy sorta thing. The one thing I remember is that the author at some point was quoted as saying “it is time to bring back political assassination as a means of making our demands known” or some other sentiment like that. That’s not a direct quote but it’s somewhat similar. I’m not crazy just curious lol

So we have this neighborhood that the whole street refers to as the "neighborhood crazy". She constantly injects herself into situations that are none of her business. For example: there was a couple here that was dealing with something like a domestic disturbance or whatever, I'm not 100% sure & cops were out there. So this neighborhood crazy goes over there & proceeds to scream & swear & the couple got a restraining order. There's been similar situations with some of the other neighbors.
I mostly keep my distance from her & stay clear of the house she is renting.
However, today I accidentally backed my minivan into a car that was parked in my blind spot. I got out to look at damage & the neighborhood crazy comes running to me, screaming obscenities of garden variety & how I'm a b*** & an as*e. Mind you, this is not her car, it's not her house/property that the car was parked on, she was simply standing in front of house w/another neighbor (who had family visiting & this is one of those individuals' cars) & ranting & raving about an arguement she just had w her live in boyfriend. So they were standing & talking & saw me back up into the parked car. And that's when the neighborhood crazy took it upon herself to run up to me & curse me out. I told her calmly but firmly "this doesn't concern you, please go back to your house" I got back in my car to throw the hazards on & make sure I was off the road for oncoming traffic, got my license & insurance info. As I was gathering my things out of my purse, the crazy runs up to my passenger window & motions for me to roll window down. I did & she starts yelling that I need to call the cops & what a b* I am & how rude & I didn't even apologize (im wondring to whom? My neighbor that was standing outside talking to her earlier had gone inside to get the person who's car it was), so I rolled up my window & tried to calm my kids down, who were terrified & my toddler was crying, I have 3 under 9, for context. I got out of the car & told her again calmly but firmly "this is none of your business, go back to your house so I can talk to the driver of vehicle". She kept cursing & calling rude & at that point, 2 men emerged from neighbor's house to assess damages. I asked them if we can go inside & discuss bc of the crazy. They agreed. We talked inside calmly & we agreed the other driver doesn't want to deal w insurance & will get some quotes from a body shop & we can get it settled as the damages to car are very minimal. Just a few cosmetic scratches.
However, my question is regarding the crazy neighbor. I'm considering legal action to keep her away from my family & myself. What do I do to initiate an order of protection/restraining order? Does another incident need to occur & I call the police to get things rolling? Or can I file something now without having police involvement?
Like I mentioned earlier, my kids are terrified of her, my husband & I both keep away from her. I think her own boyfriend can't stand her bc they argue loudly biweekly, to the point where if my kids are playing in the front yard, I have them come inside bc of the crude language.
Please community, help!

hi, i am 42 and i feel all i have in my life is my job and my parents of whom i live with.
i have no children or family or my own, and this failing has been eating away at me. tried to do something about it but nothing availed (career? string of dead end jobs. women? never reply or can ever get close to on a personal level). after my grandmum died a few weeks ago i really do begin to feel the clock ticking and this anxiety and worry, i dont know if thats a midlife crisis.
all i know, this is not just an episode of being 'down in the dumps'. its been something i feel its been growing inside me for years - not in my head, but feeling it from my gut. i'm starting to feel it interrupting my job. my get up and go has got up has gone. i just dont feel like working even though the rational part of me forces myself to just do it. i dont know if i have depression but lately i am in this state where i just dont feel like doing anything and i am just unhappy.
i used to be a gamer in my 30s as a hobby, but i havent even touched my ps5 for over 6 months. i've sold all my games. i just lost the will to play.
i have been seeing a counsellor for 11 years in trying to 'get help' (as everyone keeps saying) but i feel its done hardly anything for me. she has aspired me to do travelling to get out my comfort zone and meet people, which i have done. but thats it. even travelling is becoming meaningless now because i am constantly in this state of preoccupation. i know after a big holiday i'll never see those people again even if they add me on facebook or not (and when they don't, it hurts).
people say talk to friends and family. i have no real friends. never have. when i was a little boy in school, i was bullied. in secondary school i got focused on my studies thinking that eventually, a degree would unlock a life of fabulous riches. but i eventually learned the hard way with years of unemployment that it wasnt, back then. i tried reaching out to people, online via a facebook group, but it descended to insults and hurtful remarks that left me banned and made me punched the wall. my family doesnt know about my feelings, becaise from what i have seen, mental health is seen as taboo. they'll just admonish me, shout me down, tell me to get a grip. i cant really talk to them because they're going to deny theres a problem. and i dont want to break their hearts, especially my parents. i rather soak the pain than bring them in it. i love them too much to see them feel hurt for me.
social groups - when going out, if its not work or a family function, i largely have social anxiety. i so badly want to meet women and get a girlfriend, who hopefully becomes my wife and eventual mother to my kids and form my new family, but i just seem incapable of it. i just cant get close to a woman at that personal and intimate level. if i try, it results in failure and embarassment. at the rare times i did try, it just doesnt come out right. i once went to salsa dancing class in a big city nearby, trying to talk to women, but the anxiety was so overwhelming, i couldnt breathe, and thought i was going to have a heart attack, i had to get out of there. i never been back since. i dont even go to pubs. i think about women more and more - even women i wasnt attracted to at first, drives me crazy now. i remember when leaving a job to move to another, a lady colleague i worked alot with hugged me, and it felt unlike anything i felt before. it was amazing. the softness, the warmth, the care...its as if i was missing that my whole life. i was close to crying. i want to experience true closeness, and intimacy.
thats not to say i'm a virgin. i lost my virginity at 30 to an escort; that was a unsatisfying experience as even then i had anxiety and couldnt perform properly - i did it because i didnt wanted to be the '30 year old virgin'. i just cant seem to get close with women. i tend to obsess about them. my instagram feed is full of attractive women. seeing beautiful ones on tv, even if its just the weather girl or news reader, it drives me nuts. in my job, i work with journalists, and theres many women there. i can talk to them confidently and easily, IF ITS ABOUT WORK. the instances i tried to talk about life in trying to get to know them and get close to them, the barrier goes up. i can tell because they wont add me on fb or whatever. i just cant seem to hack it with women. no woman = no wife = no mother to my children = no family of my own = no legacy.
i appreciate some might say not having family should not mean one is a failure. however, as much as i tried to ignore it, i come from a culture whereby family trumps everything else - money, career, hobbies, everything. i been ignoring it for years. trying to chase a career, which ended up as a string of dead end temporary jobs. losing 15 years of my life to this, living from temp job to temp job, and going to over 200 job interviews in getting secure employment, enduring hundreds of devastating rejections. but, years later, i now have at least job security, which is most important, but am beginning to feel the limit of my pay. trying to chase a career, spending nights throughout the 2010s playing video games and enjoying my gaming career in that, playing adventure games...but now i have reached a point where i've 'run out' of games to play and nothing (except maybe gta6) will interest me in picking up a controller again. i've grown out of it, it seems. i even been travelling more too - i travel far, and so big holidays. from usa, to africa, to europe, to india, and soon to be going to australia... doing all sorts of holidays from cruises, ranch holidays, safari, hiking, group road trips, wildlife conservation volunteering, sailing the mediterrarian - grand, amazing experiences that does suspend my worries... but in the end, i keep coming back to them, this feeling of emptiness.
my big fear is seeing my parents get older and dying from a broken heart caused by me. my dad worked in construction but is retired and now freelances, and he tends to hurt himself in accidents as he gets clumsy. my mother works in a school. i have always lived with my family except during the years i was at university. i feel my mum and dad are my 'best friends' - sad as it sounds -and the thought of them both going to die somepoint in the future, fills me with dread. because i feel i have failed them, in not continuing the family line. failing to secure a legacy for us. to keep us all going, surviving through the next generation. when i think about it deeply, our bloodline has been passed down for thousands of years, surviving through all sorts such as wars, plagues, and revolutions. i feel compelled to continue it, as if its a duty, and i dont want my parents to die with their last thoughts being disappointment. i can see it in my dads eyes already, the sadness. he wants to play with his grandchildren, but he has none, and all his friends shows off their grandkids. similarly with me, i see people i went to school with, and ex-colleagues i used to work with...they all have kids and a house of their own and a car. i have none of that. i stand NO chance buying a house of my own as i simply can't afford it, and renting will be throwing my money away living on other peoples crap. i said to my parents i want to inherit this home when they go, because my memories are here. my history. our family memories. my happy childhood memories, growing up, the birthdays, playing with my brother, my parents, the fun times growing up, coming back from school, doing homework, watching football together on the TV in the 90s, our first pc, all of it. all of these amazing experiences back then, i love to go through again, but this time with my own kids, seeing them grow up, playing with toys, drawing, having a first pet, etc...to navigate life with them as a father, and teaching them what i believe is required to be a good person.
before you say it, i'm not just doing it for my parents. i want a family for myself. i feel if i failed to have children, failed to find someone who loves me, failed to have any friends, failed to have had any influence or imprint on the world nomatter how small - i actually feel i'm not part of this world. to quote ellie from the last of us, my life would not have 'fkn mattered'. its as if i am a 'watcher', if that makes sense, not part of the fabric of this world and civilisation. watching it all from a window. that'll lead me to questions like why i am i here, leading to a probable, and painful, full-on existential crisis. when its my parents' time, when they grow old and die, and if i'm left all alone, i dont think i'd want to live anymore. i'm praying to find something. of course, i know i have to DO something, but my mind draws a blank. i cant ignore what my body is telling me anymore. but then, i step outside the house, and i dont know what to do, socially. when i approach someone, i get anxiety attacks. in my town, people are aggressive - its also possible if i approach a woman here i might end up getting assaulted, shouted at or shamed. sometimes theres no place to really go as i live in a small town. and as you get older, its harder to make friends, as people already have their established circles. i even remember my ex-manager talking to colleagues about this when we had a drink once and she asked 'how do you meet people' even though shes in her 50s and has established family and friends - indeed. how, for those who do not.
for coping, some people elsewhere suggested exercising. this is something i tend to do, but perhaps not enough of. i like to go on walks. theres a public park where i go and feed the ducks. seeing animals makes me happy. when the baby ducks swim to me wanting the kibble food it makes me feel wanted. i love animals. from dogs, cats and ducks - to even wild animals like the tigers i saw in india. i also did some hiking holidays, including going through some american national parks like yosemite, where i saw a family of bears at a distance. travelling is something i like to do too - in fact, i have more 'big' holidays coming up in usa again (alaska this summer), then australia, europe (croatia), the canadian rockies and maybe south america. i do these trips to get that out-of-body, 'blown away' feeling, of being thrilled, alive, and enjoying and experiencing life. it does help. but travelling is expensive. i'm not made of money.
all i want, is my own family..

Hello,
I’m confused about refinancing if someone can help me out. This market is crazy as we know, and it seems like the best bet for me is to go conventional to secure a home. The rate at 7% that I am quoted on sucks, so what stops me from getting a house with conventional and then refinancing to a 6% va home loan immediately once I close on a house?
I qualify to waive the funding fee, so I understand that all I have to pay are the lender closing costs.
Can I get back my down payment that I used for conventional? I was going to go either 5% or 20%.
Does a va appraiser come in and make sure the home qualifies for VA?
I’ve looked at previous threads and google searches about this and I’ve ran into multiple conflicting information about it that’s just got me confused

I recently gave an interview in a company. I am a 2.3 Year exp Java React Fullstack dev. First round: Hacker rank coding round. Cleared Second round: F2F coding round. Cleared
Third round: It was scheduled in the morning 10am-11am. Interviewer Joined 5 min late. I will omit small talks.
Interviewer: “Hey tell me about yourself.”
Me: I started giving my introduction. But the interviewer was interrupting me multiple times in middle of my intro, my intro was short, it was under 1.5min but the interview interrupted me at every line.
He started giving his intro Interviewer: Started with his position then started discussing office politics stuffs like “This is a new position we have to create since we have many project but there are people who don’t want to put some extra efforts, they are pretty lazy for which we are limited on bandwidth”
It was very awkward for me, and he took almost 8-9 minute to blabber.
Its almost 10:15am
He asked me to build a todo list and gave me a set of function it must posses, like list creation, editing, priority, pagination, delete single item, delete all completed etc.
He told me, and I quote Interviewer: “The front end must be ReactJs with redux, also use a SQL h2 database in spring backend to build it. You have ONE HOUR to implement the feature, I will go on mute and you share screen, bring up your ide and start coding”
First thing that came into my mind was to explain the approach quick and start coding and think about small details on the fly to save time.
I explained the approach quick and I started coding, had around 45-50 min. I coded like crazy banging my keyboard as hard as possible. Its 11:05am times up. 80% of code ready and most feature working with both frontend and backend running in my system. I was also explaining what I was doing while I was coding so he can keep up and not get bored.
Interviewer: “ There are lot of issues, Why send the requested page from front end, backend must know what page you are in and must serve next or previous page on its own.
Me: “Only frontend is saving the current page and frontend is not saving any other data”
Interviewer: “This is bad, you are more focus on coding and not explaining the approach properly”
Me: “I went with the approach at the start but due to time constraint i had to make it quick”
Interviewer: “You are thinking on the fly”
Me: Politely “Yes, so i can save some time since you wanted me to implement the function in the round itself”
Interviewer: “thats the problem with you young develper, filled with energy but no patience”
I felt bad, didn’t answer any more. He explicitly told me to implement the features one hour, I also went with approach at start but he rejected me.

Dear Thaiforest community,
I have been following and practicing the Dhammayut tradition of Ajahn Mun for a long time. In particular, the teaching and instructions of Ajahn Martin and related Ajahns. I am turning to you because I am in a deep „spiritual“ crisis and need your advice.
In short: The monks of the Dhammayut tradition taught me as if the Dhammayut tradition was the only right way, because all other Buddhist directions (Western Buddhism/Mahayana/Zen) do not teach the „original“ Dhamma of the sublime Buddha. Ajahn Martin also noted in several places that Christian doctrine would lead to heaven and Dhammayut Buddhism to Nibbana. Other monks also taught that Western Buddhism is not the practice to reach Nibbana.
All this seems plausible to me in a way and I respect the practice of the Dhammayut monks to a great extent, but this fanaticism of a single real teaching drives me crazy. Sometimes it feels like the statements are from a sect.
In addition, I would like to quote some statements from monks of the Dhammayut tradition that make me very skeptical about continuing to follow this path.

1. in the C0wid period, conspiracy theories about vaccination, etc. were pronounced several times, also that wearing a mask would poison you because of the CO2.
   
2. a monk also did some very questionable statements about the wars in the world and the current situation in Ukraine.
   

My question to you: what do you think of such statements by monks? Have you heard such questionable statements from monks? Regardless of the truthfulness of the statements, I wonder why a monk expresses himself on political and health issues, because he has separated himself from secular issues.
What is your opinion of the Dhammayut tradition and the monks? Have you ever had bad experiences?
This inspiration would help me a lot to deal with my „spiritual crisis.“
Thanks to everyone!

So to provide some context, I (28F) recently started a law firm with my mom, who is an attorney. I was working on my own business at the time, but when my mom’s paralegal up and left her right before Christmas, she needed help, plus I had experience starting a business and was previously in the legal field, so I agreed to come on as her legal assistant/business helpeetc. We agreed on a set weekly amount for pay, which wasn’t crazy high but solid and I felt like I could use the opportunity to help my mom build something lucrative after leaving her old firm (where she was severely monetarily taken advantage of, and is going to have to sue her old business partners for what they owe her + her partner investment at the old firm, but that’s a story for another day) The thing is, I was wary going into this my mom would not be able to financially keep our agreement, because she has big dreams and ideas but doesn’t always take the practical steps in terms of things like budgeting (the fights and struggles this has caused in my house between my parents my whole life and the financial issues we’ve experienced as a result have shown me she has no plans on changing this but I am also empathetic because she is crazy busy and my other siblings, one who is severely mentally ill and lives at home, take up an insane amount of time)
Now I want to hammer in that my mom is a good person, with a big heart. My dad is a good person too, which is why I feel this situation is so difficult for me to navigate. They have their issues and personally to me, seem to act like children in many ways in how conflicts are handled and how they emotionally react (my mom especially, she cares so much how people feel about her but doesn’t realize that her fuse is short and she will just yell and scream at everyone) They have not had an easy set of cards dealt to them in regards to all of us kids and the individual issues, and I have always had so much empathy for them. However, the older I’ve gotten and more I’ve experienced, the more I realize a lot of the issues we had growing up, whether it was financial or my siblings behavior and issues, probably could’ve been handled in a much healthier way which would’ve saved a lot of the pain experienced by continuing the cycles and behaviors that were causing the issues in the first place. My parents stayed married, but basically tolerated one another and never had a united front, were always talking bad about one another and could never agree on proper ways to fix what was happening, so it was a chaotic mess all the time, where the more difficult kids were enabled and it felt like those of us who actually had more of our shit together, were just expected to either help with it or just deal with the fact they didn’t have time for us because of the time my siblings took up. An example of this would be when I was in college, I was on a full scholarship (full tuition, but not room and board) because of my academic and athletic scholarship, so I ran track and XC to help pay for school. I worked two jobs as well to pay for my rent, and barely slept as I was in pre-med. I am the oldest of the 6 kids in my family, and in my family, I was the good kid. I didn’t ask for much, always figured my stuff out, etc. They “never needed to worry about me” so they didn’t. However, during that time when it went to school, my dad lost his job and my parents were fighting more and more. My siblings had less tolerance for their “bullshit” but they also fought each other because of the issues at home. Therefore, they began to struggle a lot. My mom was always borrowing money from me and I had no idea when I’d get it back. I would struggle and could barely afford my NEEDS. I barely bought books I needed and would often be finding ways to take pictures of my friend’s books, etc. Anyway, this was consistent and even to the point where I could not buy myself the sashes and what not for my graduation (I was in the honors courses, extracurricular, scholar athlete, Greek life, graduated top of my class for my major etc) because my mom had borrowed almost 1000 from me…and gave it to my sister who was studying abroad. This sister has never cared about taking my parents money or caring about how their financial situation affects everyone. She has since been diagnosed with BPD…I get that I have some unresolved family issues, so that may be coming out as I type here, but I also wanted to provide context into why I feel the way I do. I was also heavily parentified being the oldest, with an extreme sense of responsibility, even as an adult, for the well being of my siblings and parents. I have”sacrificed” (I say it in quotes because I know it was my choice and I take responsibility, but looking back I don’t agree with how it was all handled and felt my parents should’ve been more of the adults and allowed me to try and build my young adult like without the burden of caring for children that were not mine) a lot of time, money and opportunity so I could focus on trying to “save “ them (I have gone over this complex I have in therapy and I’m still working through it, but take responsibility for my actions in perpetuating the cycle)
I could go into more detail about the difficulties and struggles my parents face, and how life has gotten harder and harder for them. My mom is an enabler because she has trouble with people disliking her, yet burns bridges with people who genuinely care because she ends up accidentally taking advantage of them to focus on for example, her kids who are not actually doing anything to help and causing more issues in the family. My siblings are beginning to hate her, threaten to cut her off from meeting her future grandkids, etc I will be on the last line for cutting her off, because I genuinely believe she is such a loving person who has never been able to totally focus on her and has just been running on fumes for years. However, through therapy I’ve also come to recognize she is an adult who has had the opportunity to change her behavior (my dad too) to try and get a more positive outcome, but they have chosen to remain stubborn, and say it is because they have no time, but that part just isn’t true, it would take a lot of work and reorganizing at this point, but changes could be made. I have literally bought my mom therapy appointments, set them up, (I control her calendar for work so I know when she’s free and I handle all business scheduling so I know what appointments are important to the firm so I try to schedule when we have a few days without major deadlines) and my mom still says she is too busy
Anyway, finally to the point of this post, my mom owes me over 10k in promised payment, and I have been working full time. She has given me the amount I’ve needed to pay my half of the rent at my place (I live with my partner, who is genuinely shocked at the behavior of my parents and our family dynamics, but is very loving and supporting regardless, even to my family) but besides that, I’ve just been floundering. I don’t know where the money goes after we bill, but my mom is always complaining we don’t have money in the account. However she has not forgotten she owes me, and always brings up how she wants to get me paid, but I am continuing to struggle and don’t know when that will happen. I know she will, but when? The other aspect of this is my sister (the one with BPD) just graduated law school and was supposed to help us with the firm to help pay for her bar prep and bar fees, but she has managed to avoid work and I know my mom is just going to pay for it all anyway. However, I’m not mad cause I’m very proud of my sister and what she has accomplished with her mental health struggles however, that means her work has fallen into me, and not only am I helping with my duties and hers,I am expected to set up all the automations in the firm, handle all the schedules and set up a business for success. That takes time on top of all I am doing, and my mom gets easily frustrated with technology and things and complains this should all be easier and we should get it set up to be automated, have draft emails, etc . I tell her that takes time and money, but she has this idea we can just hire someone to take on the extra work but I’m not even being paid right now, so even the money that could potentially go to me, the person working full time, would be given to a VA to help push the firm forward. I would be okay with that if I really believed we were on our way to making a successful sful, lucrative business, but because of all the issues at home, my mom has barely been able to work. She is emotional and has a short fuse a lot, and it’s hard for me to keep things moving when I need an attorney to do most of the big thing clients pay for when working with a firm. Now she has gotten ill (which I am so upset about but my guess is it is due to stress) and has been out of work for two weeks besides hitting deadlines that need to be hit, she will call me screaming , crying (edit since input syringe instead of crying the first time) that she can’t do this anymore, can’t do the firm, etc. But then being happy and excited the very next day. I always tell her I just want her happy and to take care of herself, but she needs to let me know so I can find new work and build my life. I feel stuck in limbo and know I need to take actions to help myself, but I still wanted to try and help my mom as much as possible and see if the firm could still be built. However, yesterday my non working sister (studying for the bar) called me to show me the new outfits she had gotten and how she was going to go out with some friends, I love those types of calls from my sister but it made me realize my mom was still giving her money, fun money not just get ready for the bar money, and I’m here struggling and my partner is picking up the slack. One of my brothers, who I have lent money to multiple times in the last few months (he always pays me back in a timely manner) who said he couldn’t afford to do things he wanted and had to sell his EDC ticket, is now at EDC and my mom has no money in her account so my guess is she helped him. My dad works too so they are surviving, but she complains about the mortgage and bills to me a lot, so I feel guilty adding to her stress especially with her being sick, but I’m kind of at the end of my rope here after seeing she is still not prioritizing paying her employee (even if I am her daughter and have a lot of empathy for the situation)
I know I wrote a lot but I feel like I could have provided so much more context. Once she is feeling better I know I’m going to have another talk with her, but I don’t know if I should just say I’m done once we finish up our current case load and to not bring on any more clients unless she hires someone else cause I feel she’d be more likely to pay them. I want to believe it could be different and my mom could figure out how to build this firm professionally going forward, but I just don’t know if I’m being idealistic. Anyways, I do really wish I could get the money I’m owed to put into my own business that I have put on hold to do this (thinking I could help my mom AND save some money to put towards my own business which my mom was on board with and wanted because she sees the firm as a way to help all the kids finance their own dreams, and she really means that which is one example of why I say my mom is genuinely a good and kind person who loves her kids) part of me wants to say that if she wants to keep saying she “can’t do this” anymore that I am quitting and I hope she takes the time to focus on taking care of herself because I can’t stand by and watch her do the same stuff that will stress her into an early grave which genuinely scares me but is how I feel. Granted even if she isn’t working she is kind of addicted to stress so it may not change anything but there is part of me that hopes it would. Plus, they obviously need the money so it is probably just wishful thinking.
Anyway, sorry for the ramble, maybe I needed to get my feelings out, but I am wondering if anyone has any advice? Have you been in a situation like this and how did you handle it? Please be kind to my parents, but truthful as any help would be appreciated.
TLDR Summary
Busy Mom of 6 with good heart is my employer and has not paid me what is owed, but spends money on my siblings and has a history of doing things like this. I know she is struggling financially. How do I approach her and what is my best course of action to resolve and help versus just being harsh and cutting it all off?

This might be a slightly philosophical post. But the aim is to get to the bottom of what you should be truly doing. To truly get the most results.
There seems to be a MASSIVE amount of conflicting information online about how to do this.
“Do stuff that moves the needle forward”
“Do stuff that brings in revenue”
What does this truly mean though. And is it even the right thing. That’s the purpose of this post, to uncover.
When I’ve spent my time on actual needle-moving forward things, like taking business from 0 to revenue, doing all offer development, operations, sales process, marketing myself, it generally has taken me about 6 months to fully ‘try out’ a business idea I’ve had.
Most times it hasn’t worked.
Either it wasn’t profitable. Or there was a big problem somewhere.
I believe fundamentally it’s because I’m moving too slow.
Because it usually takes me around 6 months to ‘validate’ whether a business has good potential.
When you haven’t sold it or developed expertise in it yourself yet.
And I would say about 5% of the time it does work.
So if it takes 6 months and only 5% of the time it works (where you bring in revenue, no major issues), and each time it doesn’t work you try a new variation of it or something new based on what you learned, then it might take 10 years of trying different things to get the business to work.
Which sounds like it takes way too long.
So I thought about how the top companies move much quicker.
What separates them and my strategy.
And realized they simply had much more people on their team.
If you think about any successful organization who has achieved great things, and is world-leading, usually there is not 1 person on the team.
There seems to be a correlation between number of people on the team and speed of progress they can make in business.
Which goes against what most conventional startup wisdom tells you, most small business content creators etc all tell you to do it all yourself.
Which I’ve done for quite a few years and it’s gone so slowly in terms of overall progress.
If you should ‘do everything yourself’ then most Fortune 500 companies would’ve had single founders, and 1 person on their team. But the vast majority of successful Fortune 500 companies had co-founders.
And most successful businesses I know of, had co-founders.
And as they succeeded, they got more people on the team, and these people helped bring more success, then they brought more people.
Obviously there can be bad staff and not everyone contributes to the success of the company.
But I do believe, based on this, and observing top companies, that generally the more successful they are, the more people were involved with bringing about the success.
Which completely contradicts most information given to startups about ‘lone wolf’, ‘go it alone’. If that were true, Google would have 1 employee. Apple would have 1 employee.
And they would have never gotten off the ground.
Anyway, I may not have explained this perfectly but I do strongly believe the more & higher quality people are working together on something, the stats show these companies tend to do better, and successful companies you see often have more people than less working on them.
From the very beginning and now.
Regardless of the stage they were at.
So going based off this information, that the more people, the better, I have hired 30+ different people for different roles. Over the past few years. Across different businesses. To help speed up the progress in different areas.
From marketing roles, sales process roles, web development, app development, customer service, delivery of services.
And I would say there have been maybe 1 or 2 of them where I was actually happy with the result.
Most times, I would hire someone to do a job, and they didn’t do the job well, despite saying they were experienced.
And showing past examples of their work. And telling me everything I wanted to hear about how good they were.
It would often be that they would end up performing badly in the KPIs I set for them, giving many excuses, asking for help/questions/not solving anything on their own.
And just so many other problems. Like when there were multiple people at the same time on a team, working on the same project, they would blame each other and no one took responsibility despite clear responsibilities.
All telling me how other staff were bad and they were good, but getting conflicting info from all staff where they blame each other for everything so it’s difficult to know who to trust and who is being truthful.
Oftentimes not being reliable or doing what they were clearly asked to do.
Oftentimes trying to outsource the work I game them, to other people and not caring about the quality.
At my expense.
So I lost lots of clients, had low performing areas in the areas I hired for a lot of the time.
To be fair, things happened faster the more people there were.
But they often needed much more from me than they were contributing.
Like they always wanted to get paid more, for doing less work, weren’t reliable, did low quality work, didn’t hit KPIs, missed clear deadlines, always gave excuses, blamed others/external things, always asking how “I” wanted their job to be done, to the point where I was having to literally tell them every single thing to do and become an expert at their job myself, and show them how to do what they were put there to do, or do it myself, and still get a low quality result from them.
Anyway, the list goes on in all the problems I have experienced hiring people.
It really seems like a minefield.
But there were 1-2 people who did actually do well, who were responsive, who did what they committed to do, who hit deadlines, who did what they were asked, who didn’t give excuses. Who were actually honest hard workers who figured out how to solve problems and actually do the job that was asked from them.
Because of the amount of people I hired and the very low % of people who seemed to do their job well, it made me think that I am probably the problem here. If so many people are doing a bad job and not doing what they were actually hired to do. When most other companies seem to succeed at hiring people.
Then it must be a problem with myself and how I am hiring and managing them.
So it makes me think I need to level up in how I hire and manage people.
I’ve tried lots of different businesses and variations of them and some have done okay, some have not.
Mainly the most success I’ve had is in my own freelancing, where I don’t have other people on my team.
Because it’s kind of turned into a headache working with others. Who just seem to have mostly never been able to deliver what they promised without it becoming pointless to hire them in the first place with all the work I’m doing on their behalf and trying to pick up after all the problems and failures they’ve done.
So I’m not sure exactly what to spend my time and resources on.
I have money saved up from freelancing.
Where I can continue to hire people.
But I do feel I’ve had many many bad experiences.
And I believe it’s mostly my fault. Maybe my training, my hiring, my management, at places along the line I’ve not done it well enough.
I’ve tried to make improvements each time but it has kind of seemed like luck to get people who do actually do their job well.
I genuinely want to hire people and succeed in this.
Because if I can successfully work with people to achieve outcomes, rather than relying only on myself, I can build a real business and not just do freelancing.
In freelancing, I was able to make $3k-5k/month but it was very stressful and I hated speaking with clients, and was constantly stressed.
I generally really don’t like socialising with people. Including clients and staff.
And staff often try to get me to socialise unnecessarily so they can avoid doing their job, and pull me away from mine.
So trying to make it work.
I want to make it work with hiring people because if I can do this, I can make 10x-100x-1000x faster progress with other people on the same team.
But I do have a very bad track record so far. So it’s kind of painful returning to it and continuing to have bad experiences.
But at the same time I know it’s me who’s probably at fault because there can’t be this many bad people I’ve hired and it surely can’t be this bad for everyone.
I think the reason is that I’ve been better at managing myself and doing things successfully solo throughout my life.
Like I’ve achieved very good things in solo sports, in academia, and in many areas that don’t require a team, but often become frustrated working in a team.
But I don’t want my business success to be limited to 1 person.
So I truly want to make it work in improving my ability to manage (ideally a large amount of) people in a way where they can actually deliver and it work well.
Because I was capped in freelancing to making $3k-5k/month because I couldn’t take on more clients because I was undercharging and overdelivering and couldn’t handle more due to being massively stressed out and hating it. I was able to work with less clients at times and charge higher, but they never wanted me to ‘outsource’ my work to others or bring on a team, and I felt bad about it because had bad experiences where I had felt like I let clients down, and oftentimes they told me they had hired me because of me, and not wanted me to ‘outsource’ the work.
But I want to make it work.
Building a real business with a team. Not just doing freelancing and relying just on myself.
So I have time and money and resources to put into this.
I have 1 staff member currently who is unproductive. But we have an equity deal so it doesn’t cost me money for them to perform. But costs me lots of time and their performance is extremely weak. Don’t even want to go into detail, but it’s a nightmare. Their performance is about 1/10 but I believe I can raise their performance if I improve my ability to raise their performance.
Anyway. I want to build a team, but not sure exactly what activities are best ways to spend my time.
If I am physically making improvements, I feel I am slowing down the business progress.
Whereas I want to hire and manage people.
I’ve built training so that this co-founder is able to hire people. And these people can use the same training to hire people.
But I don’t currently have training to enable them to manage people.
My fear is that without training, people just ask unlimited questions on how to do something in their role and it becomes pointless to have hired them because I have to do everything they should have done to do it, so they basically just become a robot following very specific instructions. Rather than a human being who can achieve things independently.
So for example, if I made this training, it would take up all my time, whereas I have savings I’ve accumulated from freelancing which I can put into either having the co-founder manage staff, or have the co-founder make management training at the same time to enable more and more staff to hire and manage new staff. To achieve overall objectives and KPIs.
Or I could have the co-founder hire someone to make the training.
Then that frees up my time, my co-founders, time and only takes financial resources to accomplish.
What I want to achieve, is a scenario where I can give staff KPIs and objectives, and they are enabled to hire and manage people who can meet these objectives. Independently without my help required.
They give feedback, and I have a system for feedback to internal improvements can be made based on staff feedback.
Without it being unfiltered, it’s structured and organised so people can’t just get unlimited help/training/whatever from me.
Where they should be able to take actions, iterate, learn, improve, and act as independent thinking people who can achieve objectives themselves. Or within a system where it’s not all tied directly to me.
E.g. I have direct reports going to me.
But they have direct reports who go to them.
Previously I had a system where I did this, but then staff at the bottom of the hierarchy would ask their managers questions, and the managers wouldn’t know the answer so would then ask me the questions, and so jumping over the managers and making me deal with everything.
Whereas I want to build a system where people can make business progress in their specific area, independently without everything going to the CEO. Only important/urgent things are feedbacked to the CEO.
This way I believe much faster progress can happen.
Because I won’t be bogged down by exponentially growing problems.
Like with how it works in any successful organisation.
Tim Cook has only a handful of direct reports. Who each only have a handful of direct reports. And so on.
He’s making the most important decisions, dealing with what’s most important and strategic, with top authority, dealing with everything as a birds eye view, but not doing every employee’s job for them, teaching every employee how to do their job. Picking up the pieces after every employee misses their deadlines, doesn’t do their work, gives excuses, does poor work that doesn’t help the company.
Even in any successful organisation. Each unit/person is making their own decisions, taking their own action, learning from it, practicing themself at improving, gaining their own experience, not all relying on 1 person, every single person in the organisation, just for them to do their job.
In successful organisations, people at every level experience new problems all the time, and don’t need to contact the #1 person at the top just to deal with it.
They come up with a solution and go for it. And iterate. Learn, try to do something better next time. And there’s a constant learning/feedback process going on across the organisation which everyone takes part in, not just 1 person doing every part for everyone.
I believe this structure of modelling what actually successful organisations do is the correct way. Because they’re successful for a reason.
Not this ‘hustle grindset’ BS in the startup/business world where lots of information seems to be saying the wrong thing. It just makes no sense to make every single person 100% reliant on you for them to do their job.
Anyway so I’m thinking about what I should do with my time.
What I want to do, is tell my co-founder what to do, which involves hiring and managing people who do things that move the needle forward in the business, as defined by me, and some of those people also hire and manage people. To have an exponentially growing system of people growing the organisation. And a communication and feedback and learning system and autonomy within the system itself so it can take action, learn, grow, thrive. As a system within itself.
I believe if hypothetically, I did everything myself, then it takes about 6 months to ‘validate’ whether a business has good potential, and 5% of the time it does. So if I do everything myself, I believe it will take me 10 years to get a business off the ground.
But if I utilise my money and time more efficiently, I can have as many people working on each part involved in validating these businesses as possible.
I don’t know if that is lazy or smart.
I believe it’s both. But mostly smart. Because I believe I can convince, hire, organise, manage people to either work on equity deals or pay in a way where businesses can realistically bring in profit.
My co-founder does very little of what I ask him to do.
And he wants me to be doing individual things.
He objectively is financially and intelligently very poor and has very minimal skills or experience.
Not to be offensive. Just to paint a picture. So since there is conflicting information everywhere in the business world and you need to choose who to trust, I don’t trust what he believes.
Objectively I am much richer in all these areas than him.
So I used to operate on a democratic system with them. But it’s kind of like, in a vote for president, if you have 80% of the population being easily controlled by the media and being very dumb and easy to sway and manipulate into believing anything, and they vote for things which are objectively dumb and go against what the smartest and objectively most valuable people vote for, I don’t want to be held back by a dumb population having authority or being listened to, if they have a clear, long track record of making very bad decisions.
If you were to take business advice from a homeless person with no experience, money or intellect, or a Fortune 500 CEO, who let’s say objectively has massive experience, money, intellect and success. Then I would probably take what the CEO has to say.
If you had to listen to what a scientist vs 12 year old had to say about a scientific topic, you’d probably want to listen to the scientist who studied the topic and is well respected in their field.
So I believe it would be dumb for both of us, if he made decisions, objectively.
But at the same time it’s difficult to truly know what the truth is.
The Fortune 500 CEO could be telling you what you want to hear, and could have an incentive to lie to you to send you in the wrong direction with bad business advice so you don’t become competition to them, and the homeless person could be honest.
The scientist could be trying to gain fame and get attention to themself to build their career on a lie and fake experiments whereas the 12 year old could be a science savant.
So it’s difficult to truly know what the truth is.
If I should listen to him or myself.
Objectively.

1. I believe if I spend time building the business via this logic I’ve described above, it can grow much faster, with unlimited people working on it and performing well, if the necessary improvements are made.
   
2. And I believe if I were to do the individual things necessary to do it, it would take 6 months to ‘validate’ each’s potential. I.e. try everything in that timeframe to make it work, build a good service/product, build good sales process, build good marketing, deal with customers, etc, all on your own.
   

Whereas in the first option, other people could do all these things.
Human development over history has happened due to the input of millions, if not billions of people.
There wasn’t 1 person who did all the work to get Carnegie or Bill Gates or Jeff Bezos or Elon Musk or Mark Zuckerberg to gain the success they’ve achieved.
They all build an empire off the backs of others.
Did the slave owners do the slave work themselves when they brought slaves to America? No.
Does Elon do all the individual parts necessary to grow the company? No. He leads and controls the people in order to do that.
Does Mark Zuckerberg single handedly get Facebook off the ground? No. There were 10+ people involved. He stole code from others. Who sued him.
All of these people had exponentially growing staff as the company grew, as fuel to grow the company.
So if you have the money and strategy to lead them to success, I believe it surely is possible.
So long story short this is a long rambling piece of writing but I believe there’s very little impact 1 individual person has on the success of a company. Controlling and amassing an army of people who build the company up and contribute to the company sounds more true.
Does 1 person do everything involved in every sports team? No. Each player plays their respective part. Directed by the coach/manager.
Does 1 person do everything involved in musical orchestras? No each musician plays their part. Directed by the conductor.
And so on.
If you can build an exponentially growing team of staff who effectively work together, bring others on, take action to grow the business, learn from mistakes, make improvements, are highly motivated, are led successfully, it can achieve great things. I feel like it’s a delusion that individual people single-handedly grow companies without others.
So what should that person spend their time doing?
Doing all the millions of things necessary to grow the company? Or bring and manage others who some make progress themselves, some bring and manage others, to gain more and more resources to make progress at faster and faster rate.
Do successful people really have only 1 person responsible? No. They have teams of people behind them.
So trying to do the work of 1,000 people as 1 person sounds 1,000x as hard as getting 1,000 people to each do the work of 1 person.
So if you can finance the growth of the company via hiring others.
Let’s assume I can finance this exponential staff growth. Then surely I should do it right?
Like if I were to compete with 1 person trying to grow their business, and I had 1,000+ people, all doing their jobs effectively, being organised, working as a system not all relying on me, the competition where it’s 1 staff member on average would get beaten.
And surely any excuse you could give, I could just hire someone to solve that excuse.
Like “oh but what roles do you hire these people to do?” well I could hire someone whose role is to figure out what roles they should do. “But what if x?” well I could hire someone whose role is to solve that too. And so on. “Oh but do you have enough money to pay these staff?” Yes. And I can hire people whose job is to bring in money. Whether it’s fundraising, raising from
Did Hitler fight WW2 with 1 person? No. He fought it with millions, if not hundreds of millions of people.
Did Amazon/[insert any Fortune 500 company] get to their size today from having 1 staff member who did everything? No. They had thousands if not hundreds of thousands of staff.
Did any successful mom and pop shop/small business get to their size today from 1 staff member? No. They are one of the largest employers in the USA. Which means they hire a lot of people. Successful mom & pop shops generally have more staff the more successful they are.
Armies generally have more success the bigger and more effective they are.
Companies generally have more success the more staff and more effective the staff are.
So surely we shouldn’t hold ourselves back, to use the example of war, it’s like trying to go to war with others who have hundreds of thousands of people in their army, with just 1 person, yourself. Who is going to win? Them.
How are you going to compete with companies with way more staff, and way more effective staff than you? You would have to become exponentially more effective as 1 person which I just don’t know if it’s realistic.
I think it’s more delusional to believe that 1 person can do as well as 10 or 20 or 50 or 100 or more people who are each as effective as that 1 person.
So if you were to win, you would probably want to expand your army/staff and make them more effective, rather than try to make yourself somehow perform on the same level as armies/companies with thousands or hundreds of thousands of people. It’s just delusional to believe you can beat them in my opinion.
In business, you’d have to be extremely skilled at hundreds of different skills, spend 10+ hours on 100+ individual areas of the business each week to compete with 1,000+ staff who, if performing effectively, would crush you.
This is just my thoughts.
Am I being delusional? Come on…
I just feel like this is the way. Just look at the most successful organisations in history. Was it 1 person?
No, 1 person cannot realistically win a war against 100,000+ people. No matter how good they are. They would need to be top 0.00000000001% in skill in the world at what they’re beating the other side at.
Could 1 footballer beat a football team of 100 people of equal ability than them? No.
Could a company of 1 person outperform a company of 1,000 people? No.
So I believe if I can solve the ability to do this, I can grow a team of unlimited size to conquer and beat any problem thrown at us.
It’s just down to control of people.
Money doesn’t exist.
Even biggest most successful companies in the world mostly didn’t get there on their own.
I believe less than 1% of Fortune 500 Companies were bootstrapped. Or something similar.
And this is what I’m saying.
People in the small business/entrepreneur world tell you you need to have everything yourself.
How are you going to outfinance, outcompete companies on complete other levels without acquiring these resources from others? Just relying on yourself.
How could 1 person get more financing/investment in a company from investors compared to 1,000 of equal ability.
It’s never 1 person ‘beating the world’. Or beating the industry on their own.
Maybe if your aspiration is to be an average business.
“Oh but you should do what is best at each level, and it’s different for each level. Start just by yourself until you get X revenue. THEN hire people”
…..Well if you struggle to get X revenue on your own, how are you ever going to hire others?
The others help you grow the revenue in the first place.
I feel like the small business world is too overreliant on the founder and delusional about the capabilities of 1 person when competing against units 100-1,000x + bigger than them.
Come on.
Anything you want to compete in. In business.
Generally you already have competition.
And if you manage to somehow “spot” something they’ve “missed”, they could just copy you and wipe you out with their massive resources anyway.
In my opinion you need to expand your resources as FAST as possible.
Not this BS “oh wait until you get X profit on your own to hire other people”
Well if you’ve only made good profit on your own as a freelancer, and you’ve spent a lot of years trying to get a business off the ground solo, what are you meant to do?
“Oh just make it work” Great advice.
I just feel like there’s too much delusion into what it actually takes.
In a job or as a freelancer. It’s easier to make $3k-5k/month revenue because you’re only competing against individuals.
But when you try to compete against other businesses to make $3k-5k/month profit, you’re competing against businesses with 10x-100x the people, the money, the resources, the everything, to beat you.
So how are you meant to realistically beat them on your own? Without expanding your resources as quick as possible.
So because of this I believe if 1 person on their own is somehow meant to take a business from $0 to $10k/mo profit, then surely it will happen quicker if more people, of equal ability, are trying to make the business $0 to 10k/mo profit.
To be honest I don’t know what the truth is. This is just what I believe the truth is.
Because I’ve consumed so much wrong information from people acting like they have the correct advice in business.
All Youtube videos, articles, courses, claiming to make you successful in business, when in reality it’s just advice that sounds either easy to say or easy to hear.
Like it’s easy to say as a comment to this post, a response that takes 5 seconds to write, like the first thing that comes to your mind, like “just figure it out on your own”. But that’s not necessarily the truth, it’s just easy for you to say as a commenter. Comments aren’t necessarily the truth.
And on the other side business advice is easy to hear. Like “work on your own, make $1m/month, move to X country, live the life, working 2hours/day” which is just pure delusion. And most of the time the content/advice’s purpose is to benefit the business who made it, not the receiver of the advice. Because it’s selling a course or they have ad sense so they just want maximum engagement and views.
And anyone who is successful in business doesn’t need to give any advice. Because they’re applying the advice. Not giving it. Bill Gates or Jeff Bezos etc have no strong incentive trying to help others get to their level because they could just make an extra $10M-100M from spending the same time/energy/resources giving advice into growing their business.
They’re never gonna have advice that would help you beat them because otherwise they would’ve applied it themself.
And they are actually incentivized to not want others to truly succeed. Because it means more competition for them and less success for them.
So 99%+ of info online just seems like it’s not true.
I’m trying to figure out what is true and what isn’t.
Honestly though it’s difficult to even trust what anyone says in business. Any advice or feedback. For the reasons given.
Because 99% of feedback is either from people who haven’t truly grown a successful business, or it’s not related to you, or it involved luck, or it’s just like a motivational quote they tell you, or it’s a snarky comment they tell you.
It’s only helpful to them. And you are actually their customer or viewer or their entertainment. Not a successful business yourself. Because it’s just all misinformation that all contradicts with the truth.
So not even sure if it’s worth trying to get advice or if it’s all just pointless, just to figure it out myself from experience, trial and error and learning from my own thinking than relying on any other thinking.
Anyway do you think this is just crazy and I’m going crazy or is there any truth to what I’m saying?
Let me know your brutal honest feedback

This might be a slightly philosophical post. But the aim is to get to the bottom of what you should be truly doing. To truly get the most results.
There seems to be a MASSIVE amount of conflicting information online about how to do this.
“Do stuff that moves the needle forward”
“Do stuff that brings in revenue”
What does this truly mean though. And is it even the right thing. That’s the purpose of this post, to uncover.
When I’ve spent my time on actual needle-moving forward things, like taking business from 0 to revenue, doing all offer development, operations, sales process, marketing myself, it generally has taken me about 6 months to fully ‘try out’ a business idea I’ve had.
Most times it hasn’t worked.
Either it wasn’t profitable. Or there was a big problem somewhere.
I believe fundamentally it’s because I’m moving too slow.
Because it usually takes me around 6 months to ‘validate’ whether a business has good potential.
When you haven’t sold it or developed expertise in it yourself yet.
And I would say about 5% of the time it does work.
So if it takes 6 months and only 5% of the time it works (where you bring in revenue, no major issues), and each time it doesn’t work you try a new variation of it or something new based on what you learned, then it might take 10 years of trying different things to get the business to work.
Which sounds like it takes way too long.
So I thought about how the top companies move much quicker.
What separates them and my strategy.
And realized they simply had much more people on their team.
If you think about any successful organization who has achieved great things, and is world-leading, usually there is not 1 person on the team.
There seems to be a correlation between number of people on the team and speed of progress they can make in business.
Which goes against what most conventional startup wisdom tells you, most small business content creators etc all tell you to do it all yourself.
Which I’ve done for quite a few years and it’s gone so slowly in terms of overall progress.
If you should ‘do everything yourself’ then most Fortune 500 companies would’ve had single founders, and 1 person on their team. But the vast majority of successful Fortune 500 companies had co-founders.
And most successful businesses I know of, had co-founders.
And as they succeeded, they got more people on the team, and these people helped bring more success, then they brought more people.
Obviously there can be bad staff and not everyone contributes to the success of the company.
But I do believe, based on this, and observing top companies, that generally the more successful they are, the more people were involved with bringing about the success.
Which completely contradicts most information given to startups about ‘lone wolf’, ‘go it alone’. If that were true, Google would have 1 employee. Apple would have 1 employee.
And they would have never gotten off the ground.
Anyway, I may not have explained this perfectly but I do strongly believe the more & higher quality people are working together on something, the stats show these companies tend to do better, and successful companies you see often have more people than less working on them.
From the very beginning and now.
Regardless of the stage they were at.
So going based off this information, that the more people, the better, I have hired 30+ different people for different roles. Over the past few years. Across different businesses. To help speed up the progress in different areas.
From marketing roles, sales process roles, web development, app development, customer service, delivery of services.
And I would say there have been maybe 1 or 2 of them where I was actually happy with the result.
Most times, I would hire someone to do a job, and they didn’t do the job well, despite saying they were experienced.
And showing past examples of their work. And telling me everything I wanted to hear about how good they were.
It would often be that they would end up performing badly in the KPIs I set for them, giving many excuses, asking for help/questions/not solving anything on their own.
And just so many other problems. Like when there were multiple people at the same time on a team, working on the same project, they would blame each other and no one took responsibility despite clear responsibilities.
All telling me how other staff were bad and they were good, but getting conflicting info from all staff where they blame each other for everything so it’s difficult to know who to trust and who is being truthful.
Oftentimes not being reliable or doing what they were clearly asked to do.
Oftentimes trying to outsource the work I game them, to other people and not caring about the quality.
At my expense.
So I lost lots of clients, had low performing areas in the areas I hired for a lot of the time.
To be fair, things happened faster the more people there were.
But they often needed much more from me than they were contributing.
Like they always wanted to get paid more, for doing less work, weren’t reliable, did low quality work, didn’t hit KPIs, missed clear deadlines, always gave excuses, blamed others/external things, always asking how “I” wanted their job to be done, to the point where I was having to literally tell them every single thing to do and become an expert at their job myself, and show them how to do what they were put there to do, or do it myself, and still get a low quality result from them.
Anyway, the list goes on in all the problems I have experienced hiring people.
It really seems like a minefield.
But there were 1-2 people who did actually do well, who were responsive, who did what they committed to do, who hit deadlines, who did what they were asked, who didn’t give excuses. Who were actually honest hard workers who figured out how to solve problems and actually do the job that was asked from them.
Because of the amount of people I hired and the very low % of people who seemed to do their job well, it made me think that I am probably the problem here. If so many people are doing a bad job and not doing what they were actually hired to do. When most other companies seem to succeed at hiring people.
Then it must be a problem with myself and how I am hiring and managing them.
So it makes me think I need to level up in how I hire and manage people.
I’ve tried lots of different businesses and variations of them and some have done okay, some have not.
Mainly the most success I’ve had is in my own freelancing, where I don’t have other people on my team.
Because it’s kind of turned into a headache working with others. Who just seem to have mostly never been able to deliver what they promised without it becoming pointless to hire them in the first place with all the work I’m doing on their behalf and trying to pick up after all the problems and failures they’ve done.
So I’m not sure exactly what to spend my time and resources on.
I have money saved up from freelancing.
Where I can continue to hire people.
But I do feel I’ve had many many bad experiences.
And I believe it’s mostly my fault. Maybe my training, my hiring, my management, at places along the line I’ve not done it well enough.
I’ve tried to make improvements each time but it has kind of seemed like luck to get people who do actually do their job well.
I genuinely want to hire people and succeed in this.
Because if I can successfully work with people to achieve outcomes, rather than relying only on myself, I can build a real business and not just do freelancing.
In freelancing, I was able to make $3k-5k/month but it was very stressful and I hated speaking with clients, and was constantly stressed.
I generally really don’t like socialising with people. Including clients and staff.
And staff often try to get me to socialise unnecessarily so they can avoid doing their job, and pull me away from mine.
So trying to make it work.
I want to make it work with hiring people because if I can do this, I can make 10x-100x-1000x faster progress with other people on the same team.
But I do have a very bad track record so far. So it’s kind of painful returning to it and continuing to have bad experiences.
But at the same time I know it’s me who’s probably at fault because there can’t be this many bad people I’ve hired and it surely can’t be this bad for everyone.
I think the reason is that I’ve been better at managing myself and doing things successfully solo throughout my life.
Like I’ve achieved very good things in solo sports, in academia, and in many areas that don’t require a team, but often become frustrated working in a team.
But I don’t want my business success to be limited to 1 person.
So I truly want to make it work in improving my ability to manage (ideally a large amount of) people in a way where they can actually deliver and it work well.
Because I was capped in freelancing to making $3k-5k/month because I couldn’t take on more clients because I was undercharging and overdelivering and couldn’t handle more due to being massively stressed out and hating it. I was able to work with less clients at times and charge higher, but they never wanted me to ‘outsource’ my work to others or bring on a team, and I felt bad about it because had bad experiences where I had felt like I let clients down, and oftentimes they told me they had hired me because of me, and not wanted me to ‘outsource’ the work.
But I want to make it work.
Building a real business with a team. Not just doing freelancing and relying just on myself.
So I have time and money and resources to put into this.
I have 1 staff member currently who is unproductive. But we have an equity deal so it doesn’t cost me money for them to perform. But costs me lots of time and their performance is extremely weak. Don’t even want to go into detail, but it’s a nightmare. Their performance is about 1/10 but I believe I can raise their performance if I improve my ability to raise their performance.
Anyway. I want to build a team, but not sure exactly what activities are best ways to spend my time.
If I am physically making improvements, I feel I am slowing down the business progress.
Whereas I want to hire and manage people.
I’ve built training so that this co-founder is able to hire people. And these people can use the same training to hire people.
But I don’t currently have training to enable them to manage people.
My fear is that without training, people just ask unlimited questions on how to do something in their role and it becomes pointless to have hired them because I have to do everything they should have done to do it, so they basically just become a robot following very specific instructions. Rather than a human being who can achieve things independently.
So for example, if I made this training, it would take up all my time, whereas I have savings I’ve accumulated from freelancing which I can put into either having the co-founder manage staff, or have the co-founder make management training at the same time to enable more and more staff to hire and manage new staff. To achieve overall objectives and KPIs.
Or I could have the co-founder hire someone to make the training.
Then that frees up my time, my co-founders, time and only takes financial resources to accomplish.
What I want to achieve, is a scenario where I can give staff KPIs and objectives, and they are enabled to hire and manage people who can meet these objectives. Independently without my help required.
They give feedback, and I have a system for feedback to internal improvements can be made based on staff feedback.
Without it being unfiltered, it’s structured and organised so people can’t just get unlimited help/training/whatever from me.
Where they should be able to take actions, iterate, learn, improve, and act as independent thinking people who can achieve objectives themselves. Or within a system where it’s not all tied directly to me.
E.g. I have direct reports going to me.
But they have direct reports who go to them.
Previously I had a system where I did this, but then staff at the bottom of the hierarchy would ask their managers questions, and the managers wouldn’t know the answer so would then ask me the questions, and so jumping over the managers and making me deal with everything.
Whereas I want to build a system where people can make business progress in their specific area, independently without everything going to the CEO. Only important/urgent things are feedbacked to the CEO.
This way I believe much faster progress can happen.
Because I won’t be bogged down by exponentially growing problems.
Like with how it works in any successful organisation.
Tim Cook has only a handful of direct reports. Who each only have a handful of direct reports. And so on.
He’s making the most important decisions, dealing with what’s most important and strategic, with top authority, dealing with everything as a birds eye view, but not doing every employee’s job for them, teaching every employee how to do their job. Picking up the pieces after every employee misses their deadlines, doesn’t do their work, gives excuses, does poor work that doesn’t help the company.
Even in any successful organisation. Each unit/person is making their own decisions, taking their own action, learning from it, practicing themself at improving, gaining their own experience, not all relying on 1 person, every single person in the organisation, just for them to do their job.
In successful organisations, people at every level experience new problems all the time, and don’t need to contact the #1 person at the top just to deal with it.
They come up with a solution and go for it. And iterate. Learn, try to do something better next time. And there’s a constant learning/feedback process going on across the organisation which everyone takes part in, not just 1 person doing every part for everyone.
I believe this structure of modelling what actually successful organisations do is the correct way. Because they’re successful for a reason.
Not this ‘hustle grindset’ BS in the startup/business world where lots of information seems to be saying the wrong thing. It just makes no sense to make every single person 100% reliant on you for them to do their job.
Anyway so I’m thinking about what I should do with my time.
What I want to do, is tell my co-founder what to do, which involves hiring and managing people who do things that move the needle forward in the business, as defined by me, and some of those people also hire and manage people. To have an exponentially growing system of people growing the organisation. And a communication and feedback and learning system and autonomy within the system itself so it can take action, learn, grow, thrive. As a system within itself.
I believe if hypothetically, I did everything myself, then it takes about 6 months to ‘validate’ whether a business has good potential, and 5% of the time it does. So if I do everything myself, I believe it will take me 10 years to get a business off the ground.
But if I utilise my money and time more efficiently, I can have as many people working on each part involved in validating these businesses as possible.
I don’t know if that is lazy or smart.
I believe it’s both. But mostly smart. Because I believe I can convince, hire, organise, manage people to either work on equity deals or pay in a way where businesses can realistically bring in profit.
My co-founder does very little of what I ask him to do.
And he wants me to be doing individual things.
He objectively is financially and intelligently very poor and has very minimal skills or experience.
Not to be offensive. Just to paint a picture. So since there is conflicting information everywhere in the business world and you need to choose who to trust, I don’t trust what he believes.
Objectively I am much richer in all these areas than him.
So I used to operate on a democratic system with them. But it’s kind of like, in a vote for president, if you have 80% of the population being easily controlled by the media and being very dumb and easy to sway and manipulate into believing anything, and they vote for things which are objectively dumb and go against what the smartest and objectively most valuable people vote for, I don’t want to be held back by a dumb population having authority or being listened to, if they have a clear, long track record of making very bad decisions.
If you were to take business advice from a homeless person with no experience, money or intellect, or a Fortune 500 CEO, who let’s say objectively has massive experience, money, intellect and success. Then I would probably take what the CEO has to say.
If you had to listen to what a scientist vs 12 year old had to say about a scientific topic, you’d probably want to listen to the scientist who studied the topic and is well respected in their field.
So I believe it would be dumb for both of us, if he made decisions, objectively.
But at the same time it’s difficult to truly know what the truth is.
The Fortune 500 CEO could be telling you what you want to hear, and could have an incentive to lie to you to send you in the wrong direction with bad business advice so you don’t become competition to them, and the homeless person could be honest.
The scientist could be trying to gain fame and get attention to themself to build their career on a lie and fake experiments whereas the 12 year old could be a science savant.
So it’s difficult to truly know what the truth is.
If I should listen to him or myself.
Objectively.

1. I believe if I spend time building the business via this logic I’ve described above, it can grow much faster, with unlimited people working on it and performing well, if the necessary improvements are made.
   
2. And I believe if I were to do the individual things necessary to do it, it would take 6 months to ‘validate’ each’s potential. I.e. try everything in that timeframe to make it work, build a good service/product, build good sales process, build good marketing, deal with customers, etc, all on your own.
   

Whereas in the first option, other people could do all these things.
Human development over history has happened due to the input of millions, if not billions of people.
There wasn’t 1 person who did all the work to get Carnegie or Bill Gates or Jeff Bezos or Elon Musk or Mark Zuckerberg to gain the success they’ve achieved.
They all build an empire off the backs of others.
Did the slave owners do the slave work themselves when they brought slaves to America? No.
Does Elon do all the individual parts necessary to grow the company? No. He leads and controls the people in order to do that.
Does Mark Zuckerberg single handedly get Facebook off the ground? No. There were 10+ people involved. He stole code from others. Who sued him.
All of these people had exponentially growing staff as the company grew, as fuel to grow the company.
So if you have the money and strategy to lead them to success, I believe it surely is possible.
So long story short this is a long rambling piece of writing but I believe there’s very little impact 1 individual person has on the success of a company. Controlling and amassing an army of people who build the company up and contribute to the company sounds more true.
Does 1 person do everything involved in every sports team? No. Each player plays their respective part. Directed by the coach/manager.
Does 1 person do everything involved in musical orchestras? No each musician plays their part. Directed by the conductor.
And so on.
If you can build an exponentially growing team of staff who effectively work together, bring others on, take action to grow the business, learn from mistakes, make improvements, are highly motivated, are led successfully, it can achieve great things. I feel like it’s a delusion that individual people single-handedly grow companies without others.
So what should that person spend their time doing?
Doing all the millions of things necessary to grow the company? Or bring and manage others who some make progress themselves, some bring and manage others, to gain more and more resources to make progress at faster and faster rate.
Do successful people really have only 1 person responsible? No. They have teams of people behind them.
So trying to do the work of 1,000 people as 1 person sounds 1,000x as hard as getting 1,000 people to each do the work of 1 person.
So if you can finance the growth of the company via hiring others.
Let’s assume I can finance this exponential staff growth. Then surely I should do it right?
Like if I were to compete with 1 person trying to grow their business, and I had 1,000+ people, all doing their jobs effectively, being organised, working as a system not all relying on me, the competition where it’s 1 staff member on average would get beaten.
And surely any excuse you could give, I could just hire someone to solve that excuse.
Like “oh but what roles do you hire these people to do?” well I could hire someone whose role is to figure out what roles they should do. “But what if x?” well I could hire someone whose role is to solve that too. And so on. “Oh but do you have enough money to pay these staff?” Yes. And I can hire people whose job is to bring in money. Whether it’s fundraising, raising from
Did Hitler fight WW2 with 1 person? No. He fought it with millions, if not hundreds of millions of people.
Did Amazon/[insert any Fortune 500 company] get to their size today from having 1 staff member who did everything? No. They had thousands if not hundreds of thousands of staff.
Did any successful mom and pop shop/small business get to their size today from 1 staff member? No. They are one of the largest employers in the USA. Which means they hire a lot of people. Successful mom & pop shops generally have more staff the more successful they are.
Armies generally have more success the bigger and more effective they are.
Companies generally have more success the more staff and more effective the staff are.
So surely we shouldn’t hold ourselves back, to use the example of war, it’s like trying to go to war with others who have hundreds of thousands of people in their army, with just 1 person, yourself. Who is going to win? Them.
How are you going to compete with companies with way more staff, and way more effective staff than you? You would have to become exponentially more effective as 1 person which I just don’t know if it’s realistic.
I think it’s more delusional to believe that 1 person can do as well as 10 or 20 or 50 or 100 or more people who are each as effective as that 1 person.
So if you were to win, you would probably want to expand your army/staff and make them more effective, rather than try to make yourself somehow perform on the same level as armies/companies with thousands or hundreds of thousands of people. It’s just delusional to believe you can beat them in my opinion.
In business, you’d have to be extremely skilled at hundreds of different skills, spend 10+ hours on 100+ individual areas of the business each week to compete with 1,000+ staff who, if performing effectively, would crush you.
This is just my thoughts.
Am I being delusional? Come on…
I just feel like this is the way. Just look at the most successful organisations in history. Was it 1 person?
No, 1 person cannot realistically win a war against 100,000+ people. No matter how good they are. They would need to be top 0.00000000001% in skill in the world at what they’re beating the other side at.
Could 1 footballer beat a football team of 100 people of equal ability than them? No.
Could a company of 1 person outperform a company of 1,000 people? No.
So I believe if I can solve the ability to do this, I can grow a team of unlimited size to conquer and beat any problem thrown at us.
It’s just down to control of people.
Money doesn’t exist.
Even biggest most successful companies in the world mostly didn’t get there on their own.
I believe less than 1% of Fortune 500 Companies were bootstrapped. Or something similar.
And this is what I’m saying.
People in the small business/entrepreneur world tell you you need to have everything yourself.
How are you going to outfinance, outcompete companies on complete other levels without acquiring these resources from others? Just relying on yourself.
How could 1 person get more financing/investment in a company from investors compared to 1,000 of equal ability.
It’s never 1 person ‘beating the world’. Or beating the industry on their own.
Maybe if your aspiration is to be an average business.
“Oh but you should do what is best at each level, and it’s different for each level. Start just by yourself until you get X revenue. THEN hire people”
…..Well if you struggle to get X revenue on your own, how are you ever going to hire others?
The others help you grow the revenue in the first place.
I feel like the small business world is too overreliant on the founder and delusional about the capabilities of 1 person when competing against units 100-1,000x + bigger than them.
Come on.
Anything you want to compete in. In business.
Generally you already have competition.
And if you manage to somehow “spot” something they’ve “missed”, they could just copy you and wipe you out with their massive resources anyway.
In my opinion you need to expand your resources as FAST as possible.
Not this BS “oh wait until you get X profit on your own to hire other people”
Well if you’ve only made good profit on your own as a freelancer, and you’ve spent a lot of years trying to get a business off the ground solo, what are you meant to do?
“Oh just make it work” Great advice.
I just feel like there’s too much delusion into what it actually takes.
In a job or as a freelancer. It’s easier to make $3k-5k/month revenue because you’re only competing against individuals.
But when you try to compete against other businesses to make $3k-5k/month profit, you’re competing against businesses with 10x-100x the people, the money, the resources, the everything, to beat you.
So how are you meant to realistically beat them on your own? Without expanding your resources as quick as possible.
So because of this I believe if 1 person on their own is somehow meant to take a business from $0 to $10k/mo profit, then surely it will happen quicker if more people, of equal ability, are trying to make the business $0 to 10k/mo profit.
To be honest I don’t know what the truth is. This is just what I believe the truth is.
Because I’ve consumed so much wrong information from people acting like they have the correct advice in business.
All Youtube videos, articles, courses, claiming to make you successful in business, when in reality it’s just advice that sounds either easy to say or easy to hear.
Like it’s easy to say as a comment to this post, a response that takes 5 seconds to write, like the first thing that comes to your mind, like “just figure it out on your own”. But that’s not necessarily the truth, it’s just easy for you to say as a commenter. Comments aren’t necessarily the truth.
And on the other side business advice is easy to hear. Like “work on your own, make $1m/month, move to X country, live the life, working 2hours/day” which is just pure delusion. And most of the time the content/advice’s purpose is to benefit the business who made it, not the receiver of the advice. Because it’s selling a course or they have ad sense so they just want maximum engagement and views.
And anyone who is successful in business doesn’t need to give any advice. Because they’re applying the advice. Not giving it. Bill Gates or Jeff Bezos etc have no strong incentive trying to help others get to their level because they could just make an extra $10M-100M from spending the same time/energy/resources giving advice into growing their business.
They’re never gonna have advice that would help you beat them because otherwise they would’ve applied it themself.
And they are actually incentivized to not want others to truly succeed. Because it means more competition for them and less success for them.
So 99%+ of info online just seems like it’s not true.
I’m trying to figure out what is true and what isn’t.
Honestly though it’s difficult to even trust what anyone says in business. Any advice or feedback. For the reasons given.
Because 99% of feedback is either from people who haven’t truly grown a successful business, or it’s not related to you, or it involved luck, or it’s just like a motivational quote they tell you, or it’s a snarky comment they tell you.
It’s only helpful to them. And you are actually their customer or viewer or their entertainment. Not a successful business yourself. Because it’s just all misinformation that all contradicts with the truth.
So not even sure if it’s worth trying to get advice or if it’s all just pointless, just to figure it out myself from experience, trial and error and learning from my own thinking than relying on any other thinking.
Anyway do you think this is just crazy and I’m going crazy or is there any truth to what I’m saying?
Let me know your brutal honest feedback

I was quoted this last year after having our roof replaced to seal and insulated our attic in Minnesota. 60s home with 2-4" of blow in left that's original.
-Remove old insulation. -install air chutes connecting the vented soffits to the attic space to vent air out of new rig vent. -build custom box around bathroom fan. -spray closed cell foam on ceiling to achieve r-10 with vapor retard. -hand pack edges with insulation. -add blow in insulation over top of closed cell insulation to achieve R50.
Last year this was quoted for me around 13k by the contractor who did my roof after he spoke with who he goes to, that works on insulating attics. Seems crazy expensive.
I planned on just adding r30 unfaced insulation over the top of the old insulation, replacing the bathroom light boxes that are old, and adding insulation to weak spots as I see them. I get it, it won't be as perfect as what I was quoted but it's gotta be worth it to justify spending a fraction of the cost. And it has to provide better insulation and energy efficiency than what I have now?
1100sqft house attic would be between $1000-1500 for insulation which I think I can get a rebate for? So end cost would be a couple hundred?
Any advice?

Please end things thoroughly when you break up with someone. It hurts the other person more in the short term, but it helps them move on faster.
My relationship ended amicably and “mutually”. I quote mutually because it’s not something that I wanted, but I did ask if it was time for us to take a break and end things. I did give an ultimatum of spending more time together and ironing out our problems, but she chose the first option.
We never had an argument, and we never talked about our issues until a few days before the breakup. This lack of open communication killed our relationship. Issues seemed minor and fixable, but by the time we finally started discussing them, things had spiraled into awkwardness and discomfort for a month. I’m just as much to blame as she was. We were both introverted and didn’t want to make the other uncomfortable, but that mindset ended up ruining things.
Before breaking up, when we were discussing issues, she said “no matter how our relationship ends up, I do still want to be friends with you. I enjoy our time together so much”. This stung, because it really made me feel like she’d already lost those romantic feelings. I was open to the idea though, and our relationship was mostly platonic so a friendship should’ve been easy.
After the break up, I was in shambles. I said "alright" and immediately went NC without letting her know. I kept her on social media for two weeks, but that made me miserable so I deleted her on everything.
That possible friendship was always on my mind though. It was driving me crazy even four months past breakup. It was keeping me from moving on. I was able to get over the romantic feelings I had in probably the first two months, but I was still fixated on her desire for friendship. It was something I’d wanted at this point too, since it felt like she was dead to me for 4 months at this point.
I never blocked her number, and she never reached out after we parted ways. I ended up caving and reaching out to her two weeks ago. I don’t always recommend this, and I see it as something cringy, but I just needed to know her stance.
I texted her asking how she was doing and after some back and forth I asked about if the desire was still there for friendship.
She told me that she was sad when I blocked her off from my life, but she completely understood that it was what I needed to heal. She didn’t reach out because of that. I felt bad, since she must’ve had the same feelings I did from the sudden and complete separation.
Then, in regard to the friendship, she said that she was happy with how her life is, and that she didn’t think friendship was in her best interest right now with how busy she was with work and family.
I was sad reading this at first, but after reflecting on it a bit, I immensely appreciated her response. She took care to phrase it in a way that wouldn’t hurt my feelings, but I needed to hear it. It put a finality and ending to the thing I had been hung up on for the last four months. If she reaches out one day, I’d be okay with it. I’m finally done waiting though. In just the last two weeks, I’ve noticed immense progress in my healing. I’m happy she responded, otherwise I’d still be in that funk right now.
If this was discussed, or if we said "I'm never going to reach out again" when we broke up, I would've been able to move on so much more quickly. For all i know, we might have been good friends by now if I didn't go NC. Sometimes amicable breakups are the worst, especially if the future is undefined or unclear for both parties.
I'm sorry for the long post. thank you for reading if you made it this far. I hope this helps someone.

We’ve been together for 15 years, so many ups and downs like in any relationship. We went though a crazy couple of years where he found me masturbating and nearly lost his mind (I know it’s normal, he does it all the time I could care less- I just close the door and let him finish). But in his eyes, I was cheating. He felt so justified in treating me so horribly, he literally compared it to fucking someone. We all know that’s rediculous but in his head, he was right. He was so awful to me in front of our kids and harassed me on a minute by minute basis, he texted me pages of messages every minute of the day when he was at work…. I’m really not sure how he managed to get anything done. When I bring it up now, how crazy those couple of years were he gaslights me and says, ya you were nuts! Or he’ll say oh you poor victim. I don’t know if I need him to awknoledge what he’s done to me emotionally and mentally…. I think I just need to get over it on my own because I’m the one hose suffering inside. I read a quote that said resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
Now that we’re in a normal relationship, he’s quite level headed I don’t know if it’s his age or what but he’s not loosing his mind like he was in the past. Now that we are here I think to myself, my god was that ever awful/unnecessary. I was in survival mode at the time but I think to myself now, how much more would I have taken? I have since learned about my cousin going through a divorce for something a lot less then what I’ve had to put up with… I guess I resent myself too. Why was I just taking it and taking it? I know nobody can answer that, we have kids and he was even horrible to them, you’d think that I’d draw the line there. But no. Now that our relationship is healthy I can’t help but look back at how much pain he put me though to the point where I didn’t care if I lived. If he heard this he would say, oh you poor victim. I know that’s gaslighting and I’m just looking for techniques to move forward, be mindful and enjoy the moment and forget the past so that it doesn’t take away from the present/future.

Hi all, I’m 31 and I’ve suffered from anxiety for years - this was mostly manageable on citalopram until I went on holiday to Mexico just over a year ago and was unable to do most things.
Since then it’s been a slow decline at work, and socialising in terms of what I can do.
The doctor switched me to sertraline on the 11th, 25mg for 7 days and then 50mg. The first 7 days was fine, I felt okish, no crazy side effects but vivid crazy dreams.
Now day 3 of 50mg and I feel so sick and anxious it’s unreal - actually at the stage where I can’t remember ever feeling not anxious, and whether il ever be quote on quote normal.
I’m signed off work at the moment, and I’ve got a support system around me - but I just feel like I want control back.
Idk, does this shit get better?

Ok where to begin.. I've been with my wife since 2021, she was already separated (but not dicorced) and had a 4 yo son and 2.5 yo daughter. She left her ex because it just wasn't working and around the time we got together she found messages and nudes he'd (at the time 28m) swapped with her friends baby sitter (16f). She reported it to the army MP's and it was all swept under the rug which is fucked up enough but he was kicked out of the army. Needless to say, not a great guy.
So my wife and I start dating, it takes time but the kids warm up to me, wife and I get married, and seeing I need to provide I join the USAF and go through the recruitment process in 2022, BD knows im joining and even being kicked out of the army knows there's a timer on when his ex and the kids move away when I get stationed somewhere.
He was only 45 min away from us at the time of me starting enlistment and by the time I finished basic and tech training which took 6 months (in total was about a year process) and he only came to see the kids about 6 or 7 times.
We got to our base in July 2023 and it wasn't until December 2023 that he even asked what our address was because he needed it for some paperwork. He never actually initiates calls or even text my wife to ask how the kids are, all contact he has with them is when my soon to be 5 SD ask to call him. He knows absolutely fuck all about what's going on in the kids lives, anything about their interest, he just doesn't care but yet every time he talks to them (which is on average once a month for about 20 min) he tells them how much he loves them etc. And how much he cares about them.
Back at new years he told the kids he'd come to us to visit (about a 10 hour drive which my wife and I have made twice to go back home for holidays since we left in July 2023) by the end of February. We'll surprise surprise he didn't show.
A couple days ago my SD asked to call him and asked if he'd be at her birthday party in 2 weeks, he said that "he'd try to be there but wasn't sure". Well my wife ans i got confirmation today from him that he was going to be here because, and I quote, "I haven't missed a birthday and I'll be dammed if I miss one now." WE asked what his exact travel plans were so we knew how to plan for his visit, and he actually hadn't made plans yet and is just saying he'll be here. Also, this whole "I'll be dammned if I miss a birthday" shit is just so infuriating because if my SD didn't ask, he wouldn't have even entertained the idea of coming out to us.
He makes about 80k/yr and we only ask for 1k/mo in child support for 2 kids despite the fact that it should be 25% of each pay check per our states laws, and he's complaining saying "well I'll be out there but I have to put everything on a credit card to make the trip because I'm saving to buy a house". We have 0 idea where all his money goes and we frankly don't care, but his financial literacy is crazy bad.
Now I have to figure out, if he does actually show up, how to handle this with the kids, make a list of ground rules for him being in my fucking house which I don't want to begin with but the kids want to see him, and making sure I don't fucking deck him when I hear him inevitably say "well they're my kids".
TLDR; BD is a piece of shit who does nothing but make empty promises to my kids just for me and my wife to clean up his mess and be the bad guys.

A few years ago, I had the chance to learn about Venerable Minh Tue through the YouTube channel Nhan Ga Vlogs. The videos show the monk in a cave at Mount San (Nha Trang), near my home. In these videos, the Venerable does not preach or talk about himself. He only answers questions and shares his journey of practice honestly. What I am most interested in are his insights on practice and discipline. I realized that Venerable Minh Tue has read extensively and understands the Nikaya scriptures deeply, practicing according to the Buddha's teachings. This led me to conclude that he is a true monk.
Today, Venerable Minh Tue is known by many (I prefer not to use the word "famous" for a monastic) and has widespread influence, reaching beyond national borders. The story of Venerable Minh Tue has become hotter than ever, flooding social media with videos and images of him. This has sparked a variety of opinions, ranging from admiration and respect to criticism and contempt. Many paths of human experience!
Fortunately, those who think negatively about him are still a minority.
Venerable Minh Tue practices the ascetic path of Dhutanga. Some people look at his conduct and attire and criticize him as crazy, self-mortifying, lacking wisdom, and not following the Middle Way that the Buddha encouraged. However, these critics do not realize that Venerable Minh Tue is practicing according to the correct Dharma, following the teachings of the original scriptures. He has abandoned family life, living a pure and simple life, renouncing all attachments, and practicing minimalism and contentment. People confuse the ascetic practices of Dhutanga with the severe austerities the Buddha practiced during his six years of seeking enlightenment. Those severe practices involved extreme self-mortification, causing great physical pain (originating from Brahmanism). Thus, Dhutanga in a sense is a precursor to the Middle Way and still closely aligns with it.
Many argue that monastic life should prioritize wisdom over physical asceticism. However, they confuse worldly wisdom with Buddhist wisdom. Worldly wisdom is human cognitive ability, derived from genetics and education, whereas Buddhist wisdom is only revealed when a practitioner strictly adheres to precepts. Observance of precepts leads to concentration, and concentration leads to wisdom. Therefore, the Buddha said, "Where there is virtue, there is wisdom and vice versa."
The core of practicing Dhutanga is to end all defilements and impurities. This practice helps the practitioner guard the senses, not being influenced by circumstances, gradually eliminating greed, hatred, and delusion. That is why monastics eat only one meal a day (reducing greed for food), sleep sitting (reducing the desire for sleep, as lying down can lead to deep, excessive sleep), and wear three robes (actually one set, the minimum requirement, reducing attachment to clothing).
Some criticize why a Dhutanga practitioner does not live alone in the forest but wanders across the country. The answer is that finding forests in Vietnam today like in the Buddha's time is impossible. Venerable Minh Tue has also spent time in seclusion on Mount San. So why does he choose to walk across the country? He answers that it is to "train and maintain health." In a deeper understanding, he is practicing the true Dharma of the Tathagata. Walking helps him to be mindful of body, feelings, mind, and phenomena; living in hardship, experiencing suffering, and understanding the cause of suffering leads to the end of suffering, rather than hoping to escape suffering to find happiness.
On his journey, if he is tempted by material possessions, money, or beauty, it means that desire has arisen; if he feels troubled by the crowd, it means anger has arisen. Therefore, solitary retreat alone may not necessarily help control the mind when faced with worldly temptations.
Many people also question the social utility of his wanderings. If everyone did as he does, who would produce food? These questions are shortsighted and self-serving.
What have we done for society? Everyone contributes to society in varying degrees, and human values are not solely measured by material contributions but also by spiritual ones. Typically, what we do is visible and beneficial to ourselves and our families. In contrast, what Venerable Minh Tue has done for society is far more significant and evident:

• He has helped many people see the image of original Buddhism and the monastic life of the Buddha.
• He serves as a mirror reflecting the true nature of some "fraudulent monks," "transaction monks," and "advisory monks."
• He has awakened many who were lost in false doctrines, bringing them back to the light of the true Dharma.
• He has maintained faith in Buddhism for many and earned the admiration of followers of other religions.
• He has inspired many to reflect on themselves, reducing greed, hatred, and delusion in their lives. Some have even given up everything to follow his path.
• In a way, he has brought people closer and fostered social harmony.

If society could follow his example, it would be wonderful. Then, I believe, society would not only have food and clothing but also a more peaceful and happy life. However, few people can do what he does!
Some people question why he refers to himself as "con" (child) instead of "thầy" (teacher).
First, he has chosen the path of renunciation, no longer bound by monastic duties at a temple, and does not consider himself anyone's teacher to avoid influencing others and bureaucratic issues.
Second, the self-reference "thầy" among monks and laypeople today is merely a convention in communication. There is no binding requirement. In essence, it is a cultural practice in Vietnamese language, while in English, it is just "I-You," or in Chinese, "Wǒ 我 - Nǐ 你." Some high-ranking monks still refer to themselves as "tôi" (I) or their Dharma names when teaching. Venerable Minh Tue's use of "con" with everyone demonstrates his practice of humility, renouncing the ego, which is the spirit of selflessness.
Currently, wherever he goes, hundreds to thousands of people follow, including many YouTubers, TikTokers, and Facebookers. This has raised concerns about security and disruptions to his practice.
I believe we should not rush to blame or criticize those creating social media content. Let's see the positive side, for without them, how could the beautiful image of a true monk spread? In this era, spreading the Dharma and sharing good things are more effective with the support of media and social networks. How else would Vietnamese Buddhists know about the teachings of monks like Phap Hoa or Tinh Khong and other high-ranking monks?
Moreover, their gathering is also a test for Venerable Minh Tue to practice mind control. If he starts feeling important, central, or like a star due to attention and veneration, he immediately falls into ego clinging and arrogance. If he gets annoyed by the crowd, it means anger has arisen. These situations are ultimate tests on the path of precepts and mindfulness. Observing him, no matter how hard the walk, his face remains serene with a smile. Perhaps he has attained tranquility.
Some people express sympathy for him, tearfully seeing him bareheaded, barefoot, under the sun and rain. This emotional response is understandable but from a worldly perspective. Choosing the path of asceticism makes him feel internal joy, and these hardships help him approach enlightenment.
Some worry about him facing dangers from dark forces. Don't worry; choosing this path requires great courage. Didn't he say, "If I'm allowed to live, I'll continue to practice"? This shows fearlessness as he has thoroughly understood impermanence and selflessness. What we should care about is whether he has truly attained this mindset. If he has, Nirvana is not far away. Therefore, we should rejoice.
I predict that at some stage, after experiencing suffering and training body and mind, Venerable Minh Tue might retreat into seclusion to achieve enlightenment. Once precepts are fully observed, meditation is necessary to attain concentration.
Certainly, his influence has reduced the income of some fraudulent monks, who might even have to sell cars and land. Therefore, it is not surprising that efforts to defame and harm Venerable Minh Tue are intensifying. Initially, they fabricated stories of false monasticism with staged filming. They ridiculed his robe, calling it "plot selling land," or criticized his rice cooker as an unofficial alms bowl. But they fail to understand that he has reached a state of non-attachment, indifferent to shame or ridicule. Having chosen a renunciant life, living without family, sleeping in cemeteries, overcoming family ties is the greatest obstacle.
The meanest tactic they use is labeling him as an agent of foreign anti-government organizations, portraying him as a beggar monk to undermine Vietnamese Buddhism and the nation.
I must say, Vietnamese Buddhism is undermined by fraudulent monks, tolerated and supported. They exploit karma and reincarnation theories, distorting and frightening the ignorant with horrific afterlife scenarios. They continue exploiting donations as a way to resolve karmic debts, seeking blessings, and accumulating merit, the more money, the better, even encouraging devotees to donate entire houses to temples and live simply elsewhere. In short, just donate.
Therefore, the purification of fraudulent monks will be the revival of Vietnamese Buddhism.
Praising Venerable Minh Tue's practice does not mean devaluing other practices of true monks in the country. Each has different capacities and vows, so not everyone can be the same. Every individual is here to fulfill a unique mission.
If the standard of a monk is virtue, clearly, the one who practices surpasses the one who understands. Practicing Dhutanga is a great merit, rarely achieved. Therefore, praising and respecting virtue is right but not deifying or idolizing Venerable Minh Tuệ at this moment, as this would lead to wrong views and contradict the spirit of Buddhism.
To understand the significance of practicing Dhutanga, let me quote the Buddha's praise of Venerable Kasyapa's practice:
“Well done! Well done, Kasyapa! You have brought great benefit and saved innumerable beings, extending this to all the realms of gods and men. Why? Kasyapa, if this ascetic practice remains in the world, then my teachings will also remain long in the world. If my teachings remain in the world, then the path to the heavenly realm will increase, and the three evil paths will diminish. Likewise, the noble paths of Sotapanna, Sakadagami, Anagami, and the Three Vehicles will also remain in the world. Monks, you should practice as Kasyapa does.
Thus, monks, you should learn this.” (4)
Notes: (1) In the Samannaphala Sutta, Kinh Chung Đức (2) Also known as Prajna Wisdom (3) In the Kinh Chung Đức (4) In the Ekottara Agama, Volume I
Nha Trang, May 10, 2024 Nguyen Thanh Huy Email: [thanhhuy1979@gmail.com]()
Editor's Note: (*) Currently a lecturer in the Department of Linguistics at the University.

Maybe it’s just today and the lack of sleep, but honestly after a little over 6 months of marriage, a deployment, and the distance and the lack of face to face, I’m ready to be handed them. My husband (23M) and I (22F) have been together for a little over a year, weren’t friends first at all, conflict about a day into the relationship while dating, constant up and down, conflicting opinions, he cheated on me 2 months into dating. All the flags were there. Now, in an apartment, a dog, deployment, arguing, miscommunication, texts and energy being twisted and misconstrued. We are both exhausted and I’ve never had ideations (those kind) but yes this marriage will drive me 6 feet down. I’m tired and I just don’t have the energy right now but I’m worried about his mental healthy if I left but at this point I think he hates me enough to the point where I’ll be the bad guy and the “crazy ex” that he’ll be fine. I’m TIRED. I held a quote with me early into my military career and it goes “you’ll know your marriage is real when it makes it through a deployment” but the foundation of this relationship is cracked and I think it’s only going to crumble, I don’t see it continuing after three more months of this.