Rollercoaster relationship monologue

I apologize for the sheer wall of text but maybe this will be good cathartic Sunday reading? It helps a lot to write it out. I am a 49M widower, three years out of losing my wife (48F), father of three adult kids. Last year I felt I was ready to find love again, and joined a dating app. Very quickly I matched with Lexi (47F, not her real name) and was smitten right away.
I am in the tech and startup space in my city and she had just moved from the opposite coast with a tech background and two exits. In fact, she swiped on me because we had just connected by email two weeks earlier because she was looking to join the startup scene in her new home.
She was so accomplished and warm and smart. She was into Buddhism and spoke much of the language of my childhood in terms of peace and joy. We had so much in common. We quickly talked about cofounding a startup, I loved her own dreams for the future, she was supportive of mine. We were honest and vulnerable and despite feeling utterly naive and awkward it felt great.
It was also complicated. She had been married twice before, the most recent physically abusive and prompting her cross-country escape with her two sons. She was self-aware enough to know she was dealing with the trauma and I was wholeheartedly supportive. Practical things like helping her finish all the paperwork for her divorce or keeping a distance so as not to upset her kids made sense.
But over time and sometimes with great pain we would run into triggers and need to break and reset. Our attempts to do something together were too hard because she would fear losing control—which made sense. She was terrified of not having support in a new city and I made sure to be available to her as much as possible—down to reserving certain hours every day to be with her. She asked me to move into her building, then panicked because her sons might see me, so I moved into the building next door.
I loved her so much and wanted to do everything to keep her happy or at least feeling safe. Maybe my years as a caretaker to my late wife conditioned me in this way. But Lexi and I knew we both were in complex places in our lives and tried hard to navigate things. She read about dating a widower, I read about PTSD and ASD—something she felt explained a lot going back to childhood, from sensory sensitivity to difficulty reading nuance in social situations. As an awkward guy myself, I was empathetic.
We co-developed a shared document that basically helped us avoid landmines. When our daily time together would be. Where to park so she wouldn’t notice if I wasn’t home. Boundaries to protect her kids—which did feel like we were sneaking around and would fill her with guilt. She loved to cook and had specific dietary preferences and I adopted the same diet (and still stick to it, mostly, because it did improve my health). She said she felt safer the more of my face she could see, so I changed my glasses and shaved my facial hair. She was afraid of getting pregnant so I got my long-planned vasectomy.
And this all sound crazy, but I was happy to do it, and she seemed to be trying hard, too. She adopted ASD coping strategies, we put reminders around our respective homes, she even put my photo on her wall as part of a ranked list of priorities… though I think I came after her boys and her dogs. (I’m a cat person but loved her dogs, dogsat her dogs, and the regular walks were a main way we spent time together, even when things were rocky.) More articles and books, personality tests, studying results to find paths forward. She had a science background so did find some comfort in analyzing us.
The biggest trigger was that I would sometimes travel out of town. I work remotely so it wasn’t hard to just stay put. But before we met I’d planned to go to a big concert in LA with my daughter, and couldn’t not go. That one weekend trip was the biggest hurdle we faced. I even paid for therapy for her and kept my promise to keep in constant touch—but it caused a two-week break, and a lot of anguish thereafter. She felt abandoned even as I showed in every way that I was committed. A couple of times she had panic attacks and curled into a ball while we were out and about. Once she ran from me, genuinely afraid of me, when I had gotten frustrated and made a sarcastic remark.
Because of her past abuse, the physical side of our relationship was also tricky. There were rules here, too, but as a middle-age effective virgin, I was still into it. I’d only had one serious partner in my life, so everything was new and amazing… but for it to also be a hot-cold-voracious-guilt rollercoaster was… confusing. A few times I would be strong enough to say, “If this is too hard, we could just be friends.” But THAT was, as you might imagine, another huge threat to her sense of safety.
Until she concluded the same. We pledged—via email, because by then even text messages were too intense for her—to be good, single friends. Walks, hikes, movies. Love you always. Then no contact for four months. She mailed my keys back to me.
Of course, I still lived next door, and ran into her maybe four times during that span. She seemed stricken a couple of times, and would not speak, not really look up, and twice crossed the street to avoid me. Her dogs were happy to see me, which made it especially awkward. I tell you, I felt like the worst person on earth, a man who failed to be a good partner and caretaker when I thought that was a strength. I was worried that I made her PTSD worse, that she was a wreck…
Until three weeks ago, our anniversary. She said she was sorry for causing me pain and wanted to be friends. I could have fainted dead. We met up for lunch.
She was glowing. She was so happy. Her sons were now both adults and she decided they were going to be just fine, and feeling liberated. She wasn’t ASD, it was just PTSD. She had started a graduate program to become a therapist (something we discussed), happy to both be able to tap her experiences to help others and to have the chance to practice with herself and classmates. She turned her love of cooking into selling her stuff at a local market (something we discussed). gave up her diet because it made it hard to date. And she’d been dating. And had a boyfriend who was taking her out of town for a week. I immediately saw the brilliant woman I first met, and was frankly gutted. I was happy she was happy, I was crushed that she got where she is AFTER me, not WITH me.
My friends tell me she was genuinely troubled and that PTSD doesn’t just vanish in a few months. That she was wearing a mask with me, and that this new boyfriend—with whom she also has amazing commonalities—is getting the same “mimic” behavior. That, if anything, her wanting to reconnect means she’s looking to assuage guilt or regain a part of her still critical support system. That I turned myself inside out for her, and the most important question to ask myself is whether I should be as open to being friends as I am.
I made a lot of changes in my life for her, many positive, many that still persist. I feel like it would be a waste to go through what we did and NOT be friends. But I definitely went through the wringer and I feel like I’m now the one recovering from trauma. I believe in therapy and am going to work on this. But I’d value an objective take.
TDLR; First relationship as a widower was to an amazing but complex woman was very fraught and fell apart. After no contact for four months she asked to meet up, and she was glowing and normal and I’m shook. Was it bad timing and I missed my chance, or is she maybe not really okay? And can we still be friends?

Couple days ago my exBPD appear at the door. Before that her friend called me that my ex wanna meet with me because I didn’t give back her 2 hoodies (I couldn’t find it when I gave back her clothes). I said to her friend that okay I can meet with my ex and gave her hoodies on this evening but after this call 2 hours later I heard knocking on my door. I looked through door peephole and saw her. She was not aggressive at all she was nice to me. I had ghosted her for 2 weeks. So she wanted to speak with me and to apologize she says that she’s on therapy right now and that she have to go obligatory for this therapy because her psychiatrist pushed her to it (she had option to go to therapy or to psychiatric hospital so she chose to go to therapy for couple years). I told her that I don’t wanna go back to relationship not for now and I said that I’m not sure if I will ever comeback even after few years of her therapy. She accepted it she even said that she will accept it if I will find someone else. Ofc she said that she will always love me that she wanna change, she even said that she hurt me in relationships the same way her father hurt her family. 20 minutes of talk changed into 6 hours. We talked what we were doing after breakup we spend some time talking like friends. But after 4-5 hours of speaking the sexual tension between us risen up. We talked about it and I said that I don’t think it’s a good idea to have sex after breakup. I got so horny but my brain was telling me it won’t end up in good way. I got panic attack and started to crying telling her that this is not good and she have to go because it will end badly for both of us. She was so nice to me she didn’t even said a bad work, didn’t split she was so understanding. She said that she agree with me that NC will be good for her and me because she will try to change. She wants to speak to me after 3 months of therapy to talk like friends and to check if I see any change in her (she will go for therapy more than 3 months I said before).
Like idk I was doing “fine” not amazing after breakup but now? I have bigger rollercoaster than I had before. I think that she tried to manipulate and fuck… this sexual tension I have never felt before… it’s so hard I don’t know what to think. I’m proud that I didn’t had sex with her that day but at the second time maybe it would be easier if we had our last sex?

First off, feel free to comment about your own experiences. I would love it if anybody can relate. I'm also open to questions, advice, whatever you wanna write. This is gonna be a bit longer, just fyi. Excuse lack of proper chronological order and maybe some wonky sentences, English isn't my first language.
I was parentified.
For context, my mother has three children, I'm the youngest one, then there's my older half-brother (30) and my older half-sister (36). Their father was a violent alcoholic with schizophrenic tendencies (official diagnosis), luckily I never met him. I refer to them as brother and sister. I'm 21 now. I'm the only child of my mom and my dad, my dad has three other kids who are in the same age group as my maternal siblings. Lots of history with divorces and family fights, I'm the center of a complete patchwork family, everybody moved towns a lot, it's all a bit messy and disorganized.
My mother has severe borderline disorder and has massive trauma from several age stages, especially involving men. She was heavily parentified and yet socially cast out by her family herself. I don't remember a time where I didn't act like her father, emotionally. This is made worse by the fact that I'm trans so I was like her bestie before I began socially transitioning in my early teen years. Of course, this was a massive issue for her. She told me she had only ever wanted daughters. Materially she was taking care of things until I was about 11 - walked me to school and took care of the household, used to work, everything.
I remember sitting next to her during a talk/fight she had with my dad while she was sobbing, I can't have been older than 3 or 4. They got divorced around that time. As I grew older, I came to be my mom's sole emotional support person. We had moved to an isolated village with my step-father and she developed a severe agoraphobia for some time. My step-father avoided all emotionality with both her and me and therefore I was now her only friend. I overheard conversations that she shouldn't be having with her child next door and was told about her most severe fears and traumas from a young age. I was lashed out at on a near daily basis and punishment came unexpectedly. It would consist of being screamed at for minutes on end until I would cry and hyperventilate, but she wouldn't stop then.
In spite of her idea of punishment and raising children, she was incredibly attached to me, still is. This would include massive anxiety fits when she didn't know where I was or when I was getting into activities she didn't approve of. One time, when I was about 17, I went to a party in my friend's basement. She knew about this and approved it, knew my friends and where they lived. I didn't have any signal in that basenent so she couldn't reach me. She proceeded to look up my other friends' parents' phone number and call them to contact me. There was nothing she wanted except to know that I had arrived there.
Whereas my other siblings had long left the household years apart from eachother, both with specific and complex fights and banging doors and screaming fits, I was, as the youngest child, turned into a confessional and a therapist. I would mediate fights from a young age. I witnessed physical violence between my brother, my mother and my sister. My brother was the perpetrator for the most part (however, I was neither hurt nor threatened myself). Nobody proceeded to remove me from the situation or stop me from getting involved. From then on, every fight and every drama caused me intense bouts of anxiety and it, to this day, remains to be the only thing that makes me cry and/or lash out.
In a household full of anger, my anger was not tolerated. I was raised with some old-timey sort of black paedagogy (edit: by this i mean some nazi-era remnants type of paedagogy) (I'm German so it is something of a generational curse for some): I was to have unwavering respect for my parents, I was expected to be obedient, "let him cry it out" type stuff. At least when I was a younger child. When I got older, my emotions did not matter either. After stressful situations or fights that I proceeded to witness for most of my life, nobody ever asked me how I felt or explained to me what had actually gone down. I was left alone while not being left alone at all.
If I failed to provide emotional security for my mother or even attempted to call her out, I was made to feel immensely guilty. This could range from her crying/yelling things like "Why is it always me that must suffer" to guilt-tripping texts and blocking my contact for a while to very action-based suicide threats, depending on the situation. Her emotions were forced to be my emotions if I wanted to "stay alive".
At the same time, I still proceeded to excel in school. I felt like dying but nobody, and I tell you, nobody, noticed. I was a teacher's pet, I still had some loose friendships, I visited my dad once a month or more ever since my parents divorced. Nobody realized what I felt. I felt alone and had the worst depressive episode of my life when I was 13. I neglected personal hygiene. I never opened up to my father for many years. To this day I think he doesn't know everything. Especially during covid, him and my ex-stepmother were my safe space. When I first opened up to them, they welcomed me with open arms, my father was very strict and cold when I was young, but he softened, changed, and is everything and more I could ask for in a father. He is among the most positive examples of masculinity and especially of fatherhood that I know in my circles. He sends me postcards several times a month, wants me to visit, hugs me and tells me he loves me and that he's proud, gives me space. The dad who remembers the names of our childhood stuffed animals. Literally. I love him to death. He was also the only parent who engaged in activities with me and would play with me, later on take me to the movies, go to bars and restaurants, go to museums with me etc.
My mother got worse both psychologically and physically, she is chronically ill and needs immense support in a lot of things now. For about a year, my stepfather worked in a town far away and only came home during the weekends. This was during covid. Within a year, I developed a hatred so deep for my mother that I had thoughts that scared me. I took care of our pets and the household, was not allowed to get into any activities after school other than coming home and spent hours after my day listening to her rants, anxieties, fears. I get hateful goosebumps when I remember the way she used to call my name when she wanted me to do something for her. Sometimes she would make me stay awake for longer, knowing that I had to get up at 6am again. It was usually already around 12 at night. She wanted me to walk the dog before SHE went to bed because otherwise it would ruin her otherwise horribly insomniac circadian rhythm. Therefore I was not allowed to go to sleep. At that point she had not worked for more than 6 years and stayed home all the time. My stepfather and I did grocery shopping. She rarely ever leaves the house if she can avoid it. This was during the German version of my GCSE's.
I was denied medical care that could have potentially fixed my posture issues and other orthopedic issues. My mother deemed physiotherapy as inefficient and got mad when I asked her about it again. Money was always an issue. We were evicted once. I was denied certain things and never asked for extra cash because we ran low on money, my stepfather was blamed for smoking and consuming a lot of meat (which indeed is pricy), but my mother never reflected on her online shopping addiction and I'm aware that she is in an ongoing debt. Has been for years now.
Things got a bit better when my stepfather moved back and Covid cleared up somewhat. Regardless, I used pure spite to continue studying hard while they were yelling at eachother from the top of their lungs for hours on end and did the best I could to get the hell out of there. I've had therapy with several years' of breaks for a total of nearly 3 years now, that I partially applied for myself and I'm working on tackling everything. I live in a different city, studying subjects that I love. I get all my shit done, for the most part, I know how to do paperwork and know how all of the chores work. I can regulate myself in terms of sleep and food and cheap thrills. I have a (milder) case of anxiety. I keep meaningful friendships in which I find myself capable of avoiding all the harmful behaviors and attitudes I was taught. I'm learning to stand my ground and take responsibility for my own decisions and actions.
When I establish my boundaries with her now, she turns into some sort of anxious-attached mess. She over-apologizes to me. She puts me on a pedestal and I'm living a life that she is jealous of. She is intensely attached to me and considers me her favorite child and also hasn't properly gotten over my father, over 15 years of them being divorced. She will do anything to support me materially and then tear me down emotionally. Everything I tell her is followed by her mourning the life she doesn't have and never had instead of properly celebrating with me. She gets noticeably sad when I refuse to give her my full attention, she yearns for what she considered a deep and important relationship to me. But it was all just emotional neglect and emotional abuse. Now I sometimes can't help but meet her with the same attitude she gave me.
This is not perfectly chronological and all over the place. I have complicated relationships with my siblings and other relatives, which I don't mourn, but feel guilty about. My father and I are very good with eachother although I need to confront him about some things as well. With my mother I do the bare minimum to avoid conflict, yet without throwing my sense of self out of the window again. She is the only human who can easily cause anxiety attacks in me, no matter where or when. I sometimes wish I was not in contact with her. I have a tendency for smoking too much weed and being just a bit too careless with other drugs (although I rarely do those in comparison), but I also try and regulate this heavily (e.g. not finding a dealer but asking friends every once in a while etcetc). I think this stems from these experiences. Apart from that, I think I'm coping very well.
To everybody: it does get better. It does. Even when your emotions are a rollercoaster sometimes. You will be in a different place, maybe you already are, and you'll escape from these structures. I think the hardest pill for me to swallow is that I create my own reality and that nobody will give me my stolen childhood back. I am an (albeit young) adult now and I must do everything I can to avoid becoming like her. Her life is not a life I want to lead. There's hope and you won't always be in this place.

You ma'am were my everything, from the moment I first saw you walking to my tow truck. I was in aww of you in that moment I was so hooked I can't explain it in any other way. I just needed to get to know the real you. Looking back I wish I could have slowed everything down a lot because we moved so fast. Opened the door for you and got you up into the truck. At first she was impressed I even would do that for her. She said it made her feel special and no one had ever done that for her. As I walked back to my door to get in time for me started to slow as I thought about a million things at once I was so drawn to her wanted everything for her and me to be amazing and guys, it really was great from my seat. She's absolutely gorgeous, sweet yet she's a pretty bad ass chick though. She's into heavy metal and rock over anything. She's my only ginger I've ever dated in my life. She's so beautiful, selfless when she knows u need something she is the first one to get it for you and she's an amazing cook, So incredibly sexy, and no matter what she broken and all was the only woman that I ever bought a real ring for wherever would and that red hair gets me now every time I find one around in my truck or my house. She loves to play with it as her nervous habit I used to say she was marking her territory jokingly but I loved watching her do it I love watching her play with it It was awesome to just be able to look over at her and see her sitting there was the greatest feeling in my life next to having my children and watching them be born. Seeing her smile was the most amazing thing I'd ever seen in my life That's what I lived for I lived for being silly with her and joking around and just having a good fucking time and spending that time with her no matter how much it was. I loved it always. Even when we fought I didn't ever stop loving her I did never stop caring about her obviously I was in it for us. Call me a wuss whatever you want I don't care I honestly have a thing with other people's hair it grosses me out when it is off the body so I'd have these piles of hair is have to immediately get out of the floor of my work truck when id open it for her to get her out of the truck lol it grossed me out but I didn't really care it was more funny that she was nervous cus we were so chill together. I quickly fell for this girl front the start and she was exactly what I said in the title. She's always going to be my blue little sundress passenger seat princess, the only women I've ever actually seen, planned, or dreamed of a future with and I've had longer relationship with kids even. But she has two sweet little girls that are amazing as well and I have become attatched to them as well throughout this 3 years. Especially because when her and I first met and went on our date I knew already that she was a mom of two but I hadn't met either one of them yet. Days after she was still with me and we spent every waking moment together in that truck. And we had a great time It just felt right. After that weekend was over we went to pick up her 3-month-old daughter. We had to go to the next town over and get her from her dad's house. As I got this little girl up into my truck put her car seat in the back of the tow truck I did what any normal person would do when meeting a baby for the first time. Started talking to her just to see her reaction to me. She was so sweet and so damn cute. She smiled so beautifully and was just so amazing it brought back all the memories for me having my kids. And that one really just cemented in the fact that I wanted to do this so much for my girl and I and for these kids cuz they were amazing. I spent my days just working away. Most the time with her by my side. There was times where yes we were not together 100% there's things she had to go do. Which was fine That's what we needed some time apart to miss each other cuz we did spend a lot of time together but honestly As long as we were there in my truck we were amazing together just hanging out while I was working spending time together and she said she loved watching me work. She loved how manly I smelled after and during a days work. Everything was great. So before her and I met I was always working and keeping to myself just trying to focus on myself but I lived in a hotel. So since her and I got hooked up together, we lived in my hotel which was not bad at all it was a fairly big hotel that offered reduced rates for long extended stays and they offered me a corporate discount. So it was fairly inexpensive as far as paying for the place but it was still extremely expensive compared to renting someplace. But it was by my own money because she had no income no job that I paid for everything. Literally everything. So as I worked 7 days a week and worked from time outta bed in the morning until well after midnight. I had no time to find our own place for cheaper living to start new direction for us. So she started searching for our own place to rent. Let's say we got distracted from that because of this damn drama that seemed to always be happening with her life. I'd always listen to what was going on with her and try to help. It's what I do in my everyday life I jump out of a truck when people are at their worst and it makes me feel a sense of joy because I get to get out of the damn truck like Superman get over to them and calm their life down a little bit slow it down for them when they're in their worst moments of the day and just take that weight off their shoulders. I get that fulfillment for my life that joy and it drives me to keep going That's the only reason I push through my days. I lived for it, soon after meeting her she became a big part of that meaning for me so much so I never even realized that it would end up costing me my career because I just couldn't do it anymore getting in that truck And as I open the door I see her there in the passenger seat with a flooded memory that comes rushing in and I get happy really quick like it's all real again and as soon as I sit down take my guys off that seat I look back over when it close the door cuz I'd always smile back at her when I got in the truck and she's not there and it breaks my heart every single time I experienced this so imagine getting in and out of that truck every day all day long and having to do that. I've been such an emotional wreck now that I literally had to go to my boss and quit my job because I couldn't safely do it and this was the job ladies and gentlemen that I prayed for at the end of our relationship I wasn't working hadn't been working for a few months because I just found out that I got cancer in my throat. So I got depressed I didn't know how to tell her my mom anybody being only 37 years old that I'm not going to be here that long Not as long as I thought so it started to destroy me and by this time in our relationship two and a half years in we had had several moves several little breakups but we'd always come back together and we always seemed great afterwards but then it always seemed like something would come up or she would lie or do something that I didn't like or that I wasn't approving of and every time I tried to talk to her about it she would just blow up at me and yeah there was lots of red flags I missed her out of a relationship I wish I could have done so many things different but stress and being what it is and everything you know I let my emotions get the best of me I let my my everything get the best of me every single time because as soon as she starts yelling it makes me louder and I just don't see anybody giving me that kind of a disrespectful stance especially when I'm trying to be calm I'm trying to just talk to them about it and then they blow up and makes me want to blow up right back So yeah my mistake but are honestly feel like it was just to cause me to do that so she could break up or we can break up and she can run away for a couple days and go get what she needed somewhere else and then come right back. That's what I feel like now. Don't know if it was all lie from delusional or what but everything I've read on here it all speaks to me so much that I honestly I really feel like I was lied to the entire time I was made to believe something that was never true This girl told me she loved me like 3 months in and I honestly felt it before that but I really think it was all just a facade now for her We found each other and we were broken pieces everywhere we started putting our lives together picking everything up putting ourselves back together and we felt more complete than anything is the way I saw our lives up until a year and a half into it though it was for me even with the little small breakups and stuff it was amazing It wouldn't trade it for the world soon as I found out I had cancer though guys It broke me I wasn't working I wasn't doing anything for myself and yeah that I regret I regret not just telling her right away because looking back now it may have helped but I doubt she would even cared She probably would have broke up with me then is how I feel now. But I never told her until almost 3 weeks after we broke up. The 17th of this month was my birthday my 38th birthday The day after is her 3-year-olds 3-year birthday. Which I didn't get to go to even though that little girl calls me dada loves me like there's no tomorrow and I love that little girl so so much she was like she was my daughter shortly after I found out I had cancer I was taking care of that little girl not working but taking care of her all day everyday for months in my house with her living here and my girlfriend living here while she worked. Then she's sitting here telling me griping at me that I need to get back working by about she can't be the only one working but then if I did that we wouldn't had a babysitter We would have nowhere for "Our daughter" She always insisted when I would say her daughter because she has a lot of hateful feelings towards her baby daddy. The other thing I forgot to mention is the fact that about 2 years into our relationship she went through a pretty major surgery for herself No one was there for her except for me I sat with her through the whole thing waited for her at the hospital I waited on her hand and foot at my place of living She laid in my bed took care of her gave her everything she needed and would do it again in a heartbeat The point is that I was there stood by her side took care of her in every way I needed to every way I could. In the first part of our relationship all the way through I'd say the first half She was always constantly wondering if I had eaten today or if I needed food or if I wanted her to cook me anything or I mean would she selflessly would do every single time she was happy to do it She loved doing it She loved being at the hotel and me coming home to a cooked meal how she would do it in her bra and underwear because just for shits and giggles you know She was the most sexually appetizing person I've been in with in my entire life number one and from day one of our relationship I never saw any other female on this planet My eyes never strayed not once they only saw her She was my everything. Fellas tell me when you fell in love If you ever felt the same because I know for me there was another woman on this planet that could ever even have compared to my woman she was so sexy so incredibly just mesmerizing for me and having her in my arms I felt complete I felt like a man I felt like I would move to heaven and earth for this woman and I was trying doing everything I could and it always just seemed like our little stupid spats and our bickering was so much more to her than it was to me because she would always end up leaving and going to her sisters. Her sister was and is so incredibly damaging for her mental state that I'm surprised that this woman has not killed herself yet She has no movement in her own life she's a stay-at-home girlfriend for her boyfriend of 16 15 16 years something like that and she is about a cow about 300 lb heifer that has always been jealous of anything the little sister gets that makes her happy that makes her have a better life than what big sister has then big sister has to sit there and destroy little sisters mental state just to bring her back down so she can feel good about her own self So anytime she ever went back there that's exactly what happened Big sister would just tear her down and break her down and it's just sick and that's where I think first mistake for us ever went was allowing her to move in there because as soon as she did seem like everything started going downhill and that's when I started finding things out about how much she was actually lying to me about stupid silly little things because her brother in-law and sister would talk to her about our relationship at night when they're all home together or whenever and they'd be giving her advice when these two are alcoholics they will not ever get married even though they've been together forever but this is just to not lose social security crap it's ridiculous there's a real fear of commitment between the two and a lot of damage between the two and it just fed right into my woman's head and I'm really truly believe it loud it her to be severely poisoned cuz she started turning into a completely different person but yet I still loved her like the day I first met her I still looked at her exactly the same I still do to this day even though she won't have anything to do with me for whatever reason I don't know I never got a reason but after everything we've been through I honestly felt like every time she made me promise never to leave her every time she made me the promise that she would never leave me no matter what blah blah blah I feel like it was all just a game to her now and a game to her family because my woman was the child that was traded off when things got too stressful for Mom she was the kid that was sent to the hospital to you know being the mental ward because it was just too tough for Mom to cope with having two kids and being as destroyed of a person as she is So of course that's led to a lot of emotional damages for my woman and for that entire family It's led to alcoholism and the other side of the family with her sister and her mom being best friends they hang out all day long and it's about the worst family situation you could think of but sadly she will still choose her family over anybody at the end of the day even though they don't choose her like that It breaks my heart to watch honestly the best thing she could do is cut them off from her life but there is a lot of times that she needed them there because she had no other option is what she felt instead of when we fought going there honestly alsoever wanted her to do is just calm down and instead of leaving stay here choose me over that bullshit fight choose me over the fucking nonsense of everything because at the end of the day none of it mattered to me I always forgave her for everything not because I wanted to be the doormat or because I allowed myself to be the doormat but because when I grew up I grew up in a Christian family That's what we do if we fight we work shit through I may not be the best Christian in the world but I know the values that I have in my family were not the same as hers they traded her off when times got tough they never showed her unconditional love so she doesn't even know how to unconditionally love her own children and it's really sad cuz honestly to this day I feel like that little girl would choose me over her own mother and that breaks my heart for her. I realize I've been rambling on for a while now but this one really doesn't sit right with me guys I've never had any issues with any breakup since this one and I know the mental state she was in when she made it and made this choice but the way she did it just recently after having promised her yet again and her promising me that we would never leave each other and to always fight for the relationship. She comes over about a 3 weeks ago we have sex been seen each other in a few days few days prior to that we went and took "our daughter" to her dentist appointment she had to be knocked out at and did great through who'd she want afterwards after she woke up me Not her mom just me to comfort her. So being the dad that I am of course I did that I gave her the comfort she needed we had a great day together but it was short-lived. My girl's been in such a bad spot mentally but she refused to talk to me about it I could never get her to open up and yes I did a lot of things wrong because I was always trying to fix her or trying to help her through it is how I see it She saw it as me trying to fix her and she said I don't need to be fixed. But I know I didn't see it that way and that may have been my mistake because she wasn't looking for advice or whatever on how to try to help her through it but she just wanted somebody to listen to her which I did I can repeat everything she's ever told me about an issue word for word I can almost predict in my head I can sit there and say okay what's she going to say. And then I can literally as she's saying it out loud I can pretty well determine already know what she's going to say while listening though just to make sure I don't miss anything It ends up being the same thing every time and it's always all about her family's issues and things going on between them. It's been this way for the last year and a half probably since she moved in there now just before this breakup she had been for a couple months looking for place for us to go cuz I want out of where I'm at now and she obviously wanted out of there and so she was supposedly looking for it for a place to go That was ours because I got a new job I sat here and prayed for a new job that I had applied for and they just weren't moving fast enough or something I guess because like 4 days before she broke up with me they called and I started working I was so happy I got back in that truck I was doing it for her for us for me for those girls everything was going the way I had invisioned it going. Then like I said two days go by she came over spend some time together We had a little quickie and then we went to her appointment with the psych doctor couple days later she breaks up with me This is how I wake up the next morning after being at work all night long in my tow truck to a text message and I'm blocked on everything every single social media outlet every everything that we had together online I'm just blocked. Knowing the mental state she was in I was like what the hell is going on now I got a short text message that said something like I can't do this anymore This is after going through her girl parts being taken out being with her the entire time waiting on her hand and foot this is after saving her daughter because her drunk ass sister drove home from their mothers house while watching the like 5-month-old baby at the time and ran the car into the fucking house in the middle of the night and we were both working shoot while she was watching her That's why she was watching her So of course I get a phone call she can't leave work and she's freaking out because her daughter was just in the car that just slammed into the house and did thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars worth of damage So what happens This guy goes and rescues the child and keeps the child with him the entire rest of my work night until mom gets off work there's lots of reasons that this woman has loved me completely and tried so hard and there's lots of reasons why I've loved her as completely as I could and tried so hard and tried getting back on track now I used her in those kids and myself to get me back to a point where I could even start to function again after finding out I had cancer and not knowing how to tell her or anybody and what hurts the most is the fact that she just gave up and just blindsided me with all of this if I feel like and it kills me but this is what I had to do because of her putting all her walls up and just stonewalling me with everything and knowing the fact that even on her Facebook she chose to not put family photos of us for up there but to put every other photo of that entire time together on there even ones that she had taken separately with just her and her girls making it look like nobody else was there the entire time She just failed to include the you know few pictures she took all of us. Which are now deleted off her phone obviously cuz she deleted everything of us together She always does that She always does it just deletes them because she never had any good memories as a child so she has an inability to just keep that stuff because it's painful to her now for some reason even if it was a happy memory She doesn't like those happy memories cuz those are painful that they're not going to happen anymore so she just erases everything and gets rid of it because it's easier for her while I'm not that type of person I'm a sentimental person I keep everything So of course when she goes gets her mind off track whatever I start to be sweet and send her you know our pictures together and things because I know she's already done deleted them which gets her nine times out of 10 and gets her right back to where she needs to be and realizing that I'm there for her that I I want her I choose her and I choose to do this together well not this time She completely stonewalled me wouldn't even respond to me for days and it was literally out of the blue So I'm freaking out because I'm thinking she's going to go hurt herself which she's tried to do a few times and she just reapped on all her medication the last time she tried to hurt herself that's what had happened She took all of her medication and thank God nothing happened but now she had you know six new bottles of pills which would have done it so I was scared for her life honestly. So I was literally just freaking out day after day night after night and all while having to work at night now with this new job in the truck that I was freaking out because I couldn't see her in my passenger seat anymore and then I was seeing her and then I was worrying about her and I was concentrating more on her than I was even able to do my job like I said I had to give it up even though I sat there and prayed for her prayed for myself to pray to get the job and it was literally a blessing because they created the position for me they didn't need to fill a position they created it for me I've been doing this job for well over 10 years of my career and I'm damn good at it Just not right now and so for the last month after everything that I found out everything that it's been said This is what I had to do guys and I I can't regret it I can't feel any type of way about it but I've been pushing and pushing and pushing on purpose because I know she's not coming back no matter what That's the way she feels but once I stop trying to fight for the relationship to fight for her and fight for those kids I know she's going to start to feel the feelings of losing me and it's going to start getting into her head so I knew if I stopped talking to her that's what would happen and she would try to slide right back into my life a month later whenever however it would happen she would come back eventually and I'm not going to be in a new place in my life where I would allow her to do that I can't So what I did was I pushed on purpose not only because she made me promise to do it but because I knew it's what needed to happen because I needed my mental state to be better and it's not right now I'm a wreck right now because of this woman because of losing this woman cuz I honestly felt like she's the one person on this planet that I would never let go. So my life is just turned into a fucking wreck on a wreck on a wreck because of her vindictive nature her mean-spirited bullshit when she gets mad She doesn't not have a filter so she uses her daughter against me how's it feel no that you'll never see "her daughter" ever again trying to dig into my heart and just cause more pain This is the type of stuff she would say to me That would just break me down to nothing. I've literally been in tears since the breakup and before that because I I think I kind of knew it was coming but I was just so depressed that I couldn't do anything I would cry every night even a month before we were broken up I would cry every night just cuz I missed her I missed her being next to me but that was her own fault that was her own doing She lied put words in my roommate's mouth that were never there and she couldn't apologize She could not be an adult and apologize to him and then it would have been fine She would have been a loud back at the house She would been able to come see me but she just is not the adult that I thought she was or that she used to be before when we first got together and and I don't understand what happened I can't see where it all just went so terribly wrong except for her moving in with her family. It has been the greatest experience of my life loving this woman but at the same time in the end it has been so destructive so I had to make sure that she would never come back So for the last month I've been pestering her coming at her yelling at her calling her all these names in the book and just destroying anything she ever had for me because I won't let her back into my life I can't cuz I know if I do it will be the death of me so I'm choosing me over the love of my life. The woman that I have lived for for this past three fucking years of my life given everything to worked my ass off so I could fucking just keep going the next day to provide what I could for us as a family mind you have paid for everything every waking moment for the first year and a half of our lives because she didn't have a job She didn't work so I paid for everything and that's everything we needed for the baby as well. That couldn't get bought with food stamps. Literally drained every bit of funds that I had saved up everything Just took me for a rollercoaster ride through hell but I chose me I choose me now And hopefully the apartment that she was finding for us the one that she supposedly went to Once she supposedly is at now I hope her I wish her all the best but I had to sit here and destroy any chances of ever being with the woman that I still to this day want because I know she comes back crawling back I knew that I would take her back in a heartbeat and I just can't do it so I had to get it done and over with for me for her for everybody because I won't be hurt like that I won't be disrespected like that I won't be turned into a monster because she tears me down with her hateful little remarks and digs into my heart that are totally unnecessary when I'm being everything I can try to be and be sweet for her She literally anytime I would try to be sweet would turn it into something it's not telling me I'm manipulating her telling me I'm doing this I'm doing that well okay so that's what I'll do That's what I thought and that's exactly what I did If I'm the monster let me know cuz I feel like it honestly but I know it's for the best. To my little blue sundress princess, the love of my life I'm Sorry I had to do what I did sweetheart I'll always love you no matter what babe Just can't have you walk back into my life and and destroy everything that I build from here on out because I'll end up killing myself and I don't want that to happen so this is goodbye even though I know you'll never read this. Just know that I see you everywhere in every place I go there's memories that flood back to me everyday that are amazing or that are bad or that are just that their memories they will fade eventually hopefully but for now they are still too real for me to just forget like seems like you want to do by going out there and supposedly live in your best life faking it just to make it for the rest of the world being that strong independent woman with that attitude exactly even though I know you're sad inside I know you just buried those feelings All the love you had for me and you're lying to yourself but that's on you now I tried I really really tried to get you to understand that that's where we were headed was the life we wanted so sorry I asked you to choose me and love me for me instead of love me for what I had or didn't have. I'm sorry I needed to do this or even felt like I needed to do this cuz I will always love you no matter what, But now my life is going to be for me and for me only for its remainder because you gave up the fight and I ended it.

I had a childhood friend whom I was never attracted to (but he liked me) and eventually I agreed to be friends with him. We were pretty much the only Asian American kids in our middle school. To me, he was never particularly bright and I found him quite unattractive, but my parents encouraged me to be nice to him.
After college graduation, I came back and we reconnected. He left the state for 3 years to attend a masters program, but regularly came back to visit his parents (and me, I guess..).
He graduated from his masters program last May and got a $125k job as a physician assistant in NYC. Since then, he’s pushed hard to get me to get into a relationship with him (I am single though - also my dad has always thought he would be a good choice).
Maybe I’m just in a poor state of mind because I’ve been dealing with chronic health issues (tendon issue in my ankle) for the past 2 years or so, but I have grown to be unable to tolerate the guy. He’s gotten much more arrogant since he got a job even though he’s $200k+ in student loan debt.
He makes me feel stupid, small, and unimportant by saying things like “my job is MORE important than YOURS” and “my job is very important so that’s why I always need to look at my phone in case my boss texts while I’m talking to you” (he said this on a Saturday morning when he wasn’t on call). And “my sister has high standards for dating, unlike you and me”. And one time I got a text out of the blue saying “-random female friend- said my banana bread tastes amazing. Just like me.”
And he makes subtle hints about how he has beautiful, successful (doctor) female friends. And when I bought a townhouse 2 years ago, he asked if I needed a roommate (him) and that he can help me with the mortgage (but I had to add his name to the title). I stopped talking to him for 6 months after that.
It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even be friends with him anymore because he monologues about how awesome he is when I don’t think I’m that much worse than him?
What does it mean when a previously good guy becomes extremely condescending/not nice after he starts earning $$?

Ok so. 1 year into transition and I recently had my gay awakening. I've had mild experiences online with dominant/submissive type relationship. Is it typical to get that rollercoaster drop sensation? Being treated the way I like catches my tummy so good 🫦
I can't wait to explore it in person, because god, it's so intense sometimes. Makes me catch my breath and puts me in that submissive space so quickly. I'm gonna be such a mess 🤭
It's such a fun and addictive sensation. I'm just curious if it's the standard for women? I never noticed it before being on estrogen.

2024 has been a rollercoaster of a year and I think it's finally caught up with me.
In January there was some drama at work involving a toxic supervisor and a chill manager and I had to bear witness to most of it. This was also the month my crappy car decided to finally die on me a month before I was planning on buying a new one.
In February the the toxic supervisor left with only a 3 days notice. On one hand my work places mental and emotional states got better but on the other hand we had to fix a lot of stuff they left behind. Also, the chill manager wound up getting promoted, like we all wanted.
I was able to buy a new used car. I had been saving up for 2 years and was able to use a majority of my saving to pay for most of it. Now I just have to worry about the remaining balance through a car loan. Now I have more chances to simply go places.
March was creatively beneficial for me. I started and finished multiple little personal projects.
April was the most chaotic. The company I work for decided to declare bankruptcy and close all of its locations by summer time. We found out when everyone else did. Mind you, I was already planning on quitting this job by Sumner time, but not like this. Many loyal customers offered us jobs and I applied for a retail job on a federal landmark. The paperwork is currently processing.
Because I have a car and more free time I decided to create a tinder account to finally date more people casually. I really connected with this one person but because we have chaotic life schedules we haven't met up yet. At most we chat every 2 weeks or so but we're both really chill about that.
May is a decompressing but mind boggling month. My last day of work was about a week ago. I'm waiting for the ID credentials to process with my new job. I have more of an option on my end to hang out with people.
I spent time with one parent but, even in the best of circumstances, they are emotionally draining. I reminded myself of why I don't visit them often. They kind of triggered some of my minor mental health spiraling.
I plan on hanging out with a childhood friend who I haven't seen in person in years.
I have yet to meet up with my Tinder match but I'm scared that I've become to attached to the idea of someone I've never met. When we do chat it's always fun and I feel like myself. When I genuinely am interested in someone I become avoidant and fear I'm bugging them by simply messaging "Hi". Even if there's clear signs on there end they are not bothered by me. This is what's sending me in a spiral the most. I plan on forcing myself to message them tomorrow.
Despite all this, I am still grateful for many things.
I live with understanding family. I have built up enough saving to still help with certain finances, pay my car loan and have a little fun. I have more of an option to simply see people. I'm relearning to enjoying the little things in life. I had a great relationship with most of my former co-workers & great memories have come from that. I pretty much have another job lined up with better pay, benefits & a more consistent schedule. Even if it's just for one date, I will have new simple yet exciting experiences with a new person.
It technically hasn't been half a year yet, but hopefully the rollercoaster settles down soon.

Hey there, I'm Jaden!
Originally from Texas, but I'm dreaming of a place with all four seasons. My faith journey has been a rollercoaster, coming from a challenging past with religion. Now, I'm finding my own path with God, stumbling along the way but always striving to grow.
In relationships, I'm all about taking it slow and steady. I've had my heart bruised before, so I'm looking for someone who's patient and understanding. I'm a big believer in love languages, while I thrive on words of affirmation and physical touch.
When it comes to my future partner, kindness and support mean the world to me. I'm not expecting us to be clones, but being open to each other's passions is key. Communication is everything, and I need someone who's not afraid to tell it like it is.
Sundays find me at a non-denominational church, where the relationship with God comes before anything else. I'm also part of a men's study group, digging deeper into faith.
Physically, I'm a big guy, but I'm active. I love taking walks with my dog and fixing up guitars in my spare time. Oh, and I'm a sucker for retro gaming – Mario Kart, anyone?
Career-wise, music is my jam. I'm currently working in a music store, while thriving to further a career in building custom guitars.
Hobbies? Writing poetry, strumming my guitar (not too well, mind you), and blasting some metal tunes.
If you've made it this far, thanks for sticking around! Can't wait to hear from you and share more about each other.

I just went through a breakup with my boyfriend of 2 years (completely valid, he was there for one of my suicide attempts and I got diagnosed during our relationship)
I’m trying to focus on myself but I’m hypersexual so I’m still hooking up with him every other day while looking for a new person to hook up with (a woman, never been with one since I’ve been distracting myself with long term relationships with men)
DISCLAIMER: He knows I’m talking to ppl but still wants to hit
We have been split up for around 3 weeks and I’ve been high the majority of the time. I haven’t picked up since I ran out 2 days ago and I think I should keep it up but it’s the only way I don’t go through constant rollercoaster emotions like crying one minute then painting him as the bad guy in my mind to being like I don’t care at alll.
Also unadded him on snap when I was in an episode but now I want him back on snap but that’s real manipulative like I’m not dumb. I recognize when I’m in episodes and can’t pull myself out of them especially now and it is literal hell emotionally when I don’t smoke a little.
Any advice or little quotes I could keep in mind? For now, I’ve been telling myself that it was a mutual split and there were many reasons why it happened (even if it was mainly me which makes me hate myself periodically)

I don’t like throwing labels around but I’ve come to the conclusion that my ex was definitely a covert narcissist. Thinking back to the times he hurt/betrayed me, the gaslighting, deflection, lies, no accountability and lack of empathy. He has major insecurities and fear of abandonment from his past due to being cheated on and getting rejected. The good moments outnumber the bad. But the bad was horrible
In the beginning he said that for the 1st time someone loves him for him and I did things no one else did, appreciating what he did etc. also the 1st girl he’s family has liked. The only time I couldn’t fully show up to the relationship was when I went through grief, which he didn’t take well because his needs weren’t being met I guess.
What boggles my mind is he didn’t want things to end and wanted a future and I also was an upgrade from his previous partners in looks and character (I was told) he did things that contradicted what we built and wanted (eg messaging random women/models on social media) . He always felt homeless people sorry but never had empathy for me or some of his family.
We tried for a couple of months until he didn’t want to respect my boundaries or see how vital trust and emotional stability is for any relationship. He abruptly ended it over the phone without giving me a chance to talk
I never realised dating a person with severe insecurities would be so damaging, when you truly love them and understand them and just wish they could see how self sabotaging they can be. It’s been an emotional rollercoaster. Going no contact has been difficult, I still would like to just talk and hug him but I always remind myself of his actions and how much I need to work on myself especially since I know i deserve better . It makes me angry to see how after 5years it’s like he just moved on and didn’t care. Also met and made friends because of me (he has bad social awkwardness) and is painting this nice guy picture, while I’m alone dealing with the hurt and trauma. Almost like in the movies when the bad guy stays winning.

Greetings everyone,
I have been having long distance relationship with my girlfriend/fiancee over 3 years and came to a conclusion that we want to marry as it is the only way we can live together. (We both also want to marry, not doing it in sake of to be together only)
This is not my first marriage, I had 8 years relationship with my ex wife before she cheated on me with my colluege, so I was in debt and heavily depressed basically living like trash until I found my current girlfriend in the end.
We met online long ago and been talking to eachother on avarage 3-4 hours everyday. We have a big time difference around 6 hours and I sacrifaced from my sleep since we met and most of the time went to work with no sleep. We met eachother so many times (I visited her a lot and she visited me also and met my parents).
The thing is that she had been hiding that she had a child of 5 year and she only told this to me after 6 months of our relationship started. I was of course in shock and to be honest it was never my plan to be father to someone's child but I accepted the fact and broke my rules telling her im okay with it.
After couple of years we decided (mostly I insist) that we get married and she agreed to it. The problem is the child and just like any mother she cannot leave her child behind. She said she would try to convince her ex and bring her child together with her. I told her in anyway I am willing to do anything for her happiness. So last month I organized everything about wedding and spent good money on it.
Problem is last couple of weeks she has been on a emotional rollercoaster. We almost broke up 4 times and she always change her mind and then said she wants to marry. I asked her real opinion and told her not to give me hopes and I would understand and walk away like an adult but she said she cannot find someone like me and she wish she met me before she had a child.
Today was the last straw I believe, I bought her plane tickets and she got angry at me that it was 3 days more than the time she told me she can stay with me. I accepted it was my fault for not asking but knowing her she does not work and her ex man and mother in law takes care of the child I thought couple of days would not be a problem. She told me it is a long trip and she would get bored. Then out of confusion I told her harshly how can she spend her whole life with me when she gets bored for couple of days only. Then she told me to break up one more time because she doesnt want to lose her child.
Lately I cannot handle the uncertainty anymore. I lost all my joy in life like my previous relationship and became depressed again. It took a while for me to move on from my past and it feels like its repating the same all over again. This time the problem is I invited more than 200 people to my wedding including some of my friends who come from overseas and already paid their tickets and hotels and I have no face to tell them if she changes her mind one more time. To be honest I lost my trust in her and dont know what to do?

Hi everyone and thank you in advance for any advice!
I think so many of us in this sub are so smart, never expecting to be in this kind of situation to begin with. I'm so ashamed and embarrassed to be in this situation after having friends go through similar things. I'm in need of some validation, encouragement to leave and to be convinced I deserve better? And there are some behaviours that contradict abusive behaviour (?), causing me so much confusion!
I'm in my late-20s and have been with "Buddy" (a bit older) for over 2 years. Initially, I was drawn to his curiosity, desire to spend time together, ambitiousness, creativity, love for animals, and adventurousness. I thought I hit jackpot BUT, overlooked some major red flags. I believed our relationship was strong and we never argued (because I'm a people-pleaser, lol). I slowly became increasingly doubtful over time, mostly due to his temper. Buddy LOSES it over minor inconveniences. 0 to 100. The first time he directed his anger towards me was all because I woke him up from a drunken nap that was causing us to be late for an important dinner at my friend's. He lost it because I told him that I'm heading out without him (we were super late and I COULD NOT wake him!) He later apologized for yelling but apparently it was my fault; he wouldn't have yelled if it weren't for the ultimatum (nothing to do with him getting wasted with his friends when he knew we had plans.) Incidents like this one are very few, but super concerning.
Fast-forward; I've made a lot of progress on myself, started therapy and prioritizing myself- as I've felt drained. It seems that me bettering myself has caused Buddy to be more rude. I've started considering that even though he's not physically abusive, this relationship might still be abusive after another incident where he yelled during a trivial debate (Why the yelling?) I'm unhappy and determined to end the relationship because (all points I identified after reading "Why does he do that?"):

1. He is disrespectful. All "jokes" that I'm too "sensitive" to handle. Criticizes me and my interests (like do you even like me?). Belittles my career, claims I'm paid too much, my role is useless, etc.
2. Buddy is controlling/possessive/manipulative. Everything needs to be done his way and what he wants. Everyone needs to agree with him. He cannot accept other perspectives.
3. Buddy makes shows of generosity. Chores are a competition. He does nice/helpful things as well, but tends to exaggerate (saying a gift was a few hundred more than it actually was.)
4. He is pretty selfcentered, and loves to talk about himself, his interests, his beliefs, etc. Expects me to enjoy all of his hobbies as much as he does, but shows little interest for mine.
5. Lacks accountability. Rarely apologizes, instead he usually digs his heels in even more/blames others. I've been told that he wouldn't have raised his voice if I didn't start an argument.
6. Buddy drinks, and alcohol has a pretty clear effect on his behaviour despite him saying it's only because he likes the taste. He becomes more argumentative and will go on monologues.
7. Intimidating in arguments. It's like he wants to "win" any disagreement. The most common thing is yelling/raising his voice; I've told him it scares me (I had an angry/alcoholic parent) and that it isn't necessary in communicating his thoughts. I'm not sure if this makes me sound toxic too, but sometimes when he yells during a debate (that I started because I shouldn't have responded when he said __), I can't help but want to laugh! It is so ridiculous. On a few rare occasions he has threatened to kick me out, and break up with me. He has never physically hurt me.
8. A negative attitude towards pretty much everyone who doesn't agree with him, not just women.

However... (The "grey" areas):

1. He speaks highly of his exes... Especially one that I don't think he was fully moved on from when we first started going out; I've met her and she's lovely. He claims they weren't compatible in the long run, and they have a friendly relationship at gatherings. I can't help but question why she would still be in contact with him if he treated her poorly? Is it just me he treats like this?
2. Our relationship actually moved extremely slowly, to the point I was concerned early on.
3. Buddy doesn't treat me different in public. Perhaps he is the slightest bit nicer around my people? Around his people, he continues his "jokes" about me which caused one of his friends to tell me privately that I don't deserve this. On the other hand, his mom totally enables his behaviour, makes excuses for him, and even gives me tips to deal with him when he is angry (Lol!)

Any advice is greatly appreciated. I know I lack some confidence and self-esteem, but I'm working on it. I know I can do better and I know I deserve better, but it's like I don't believe it. It's clear that for some reason, I'm OK with being treated this way. I don't want to be. Not only that, but this takes up so much of my time and energy.
Edit: Wow I made so many grammatical and spelling errors, I’m not even sure if I found all of them! Even the title 😂 Sorry English isn’t my first language

I was thinking about how, when I was in high school, I was so uninterested in drinking and partying and never had any issues saying no to drinking or peer pressure. The first time I ever drank I was graduated and 18, on a trip to Jamaica, and 18 was the legal drinking age. That trip was the first time I drank and first time I ever blacked out and ever got sick from alcohol. Looking back, if I’d been more knowledgeable at the time, I probably would have realized exactly what my relationship with alcohol was going to turn out to be.
But, I think that headstrong girl still lives in me. I’m not ashamed to say I’m not drinking, turn down drinks, share that I have a problem with alcohol and share my sobriety attempts. It doesn’t mean I’m not ashamed of of my past behavior while drinking, or having to show up again with another sobriety attempt after another relapse. But at least I’m showing up, right?
My friends and family have been on a rollercoaster with me, but I’m glad I can be honest and open about my experiences. It takes accountability for me and I really set it up big time this time around. If I ever pick up a drink again I’m going to get side-eyes and probably have a drink slapped out of my hand. That’s what I’ve been needing this whole time.
When I’m in the funk - spiraling and circling through anxiety and drinking, drinking and anxiety - those are the hard times for me to to pull out of it, when the motivation is depleted and depression sets in and I’m scared. It’s like trying to grab at a branch in a whirlpool to pull myself out, but I’d miss it over and over again. Once I get a hold, and crawl out, I feel myself shift into this past person that had the confidence and strong-headed mentality back.
I’m back at the point where I can white knuckle and firmly tell myself no, even when I’m alone. The personal peer pressure isn’t going to get to me, just like the peer pressure used to not get me in the past.
Beyond grateful to be back.
IWNDWYT

Didn't know what to name this but more or less it's a realisation post.
I've kinda had an idea about being on the aroace spectrum for years now. I know that thinking about being asexual and aromantic when you're 12/13 is weird but I felt comfortable with those sexualities as labels for me for years, and so they've ust stuck ever since.
I'm 17 and I've been questioning myself since I was 11, pretty much all of my time at high school. I've been through a bunch of labels and identities but none really stuck or fit me perfectly. It got to a point I became depressed just thinking about my identity and identified as queer for a while.
I continue to identify as aroace, but I recently found out that I'm also aego/apothi too. But I've realised something else. I think I want to try a relationship. I've always had some werid longing to have one just for the comfort and closeness and I've identified as cupio before, and I think I'm going to identify with it again because of how I've been feeling. I've kissed both men and women and felt that "butterfly" feeling whenever I kissed the boy in comparison to the girl. I'm pretty sure I like boys then. So I'm in a weird boat where I'm on the aroace spectrum while not being 100% against being in a relationship with a guy.
I also recently realised that I'm trans too (FtM) so since the end of last month/beginning of the month I've been on one very long rollercoaster of self discovery.
Is it valid for me to be aroace and sex repulsed and yet still want to try and be in a relationship with a guy?
And on another note, I've never had a proper relationship. I forced myself to have a crush on a boy in primary school and then "dated" my best friend for a while until we both realised that it wasn't even dating and it was just being close friends. I think I force myself to have crushes on people and confuse actual crushes with platonic feelings for my friends. I'd like to have a relationship, but I can't tell if I actually have a crush on a guy or not. Another thing to add is that I realised that the few crushes I thought I had as recent as a few months ago weren't even crushes, they were just me being envious over the fact that those guys are cis and funnily enough that helped me realise that I was trans.
So I have no idea what to do. I'm aroace, trans, maybe into the idea of having a relationship with a guy because I'm a hopeless romantic but I can't tell if I actually have feelings for a guy or not. Honestly not even I understand this situation.
It's just a big mess lol

Recently my girlfriend broke up with me in a very acrimonious and demeaning way. She sent me snapshots of her hinge and showed me the guys she wanted to have sex with.
Additionally she filed a baseless protective order case against me which threatens my career.
The relationship has been a rollercoaster of abuse both physical and emotional directed towards me.
But I still love her. She is the best partner I’ve ever had and I don’t think I’ll be able to find another person like her.
Life doesn’t look very happy in the future for me, I’m not sure what else to do besides suicide. I don’t want to be around for a life without her or my career. I’m lost

I don’t really know where to begin. I guess with describing myself; I’m an I usual person in my eyes at least. I’m heavily interested in topics no one else is like history and politics but also have super high aspirations of being an entrepreneur (am in school for business). My 23 years of life thus far have been anything but easy for the average person: since birth both parents either in jail or rehab, raised by grandparents until just before high school, foster care 4 years of high school, covid pandemic second semester of college(dropped out). The most negatively impactful experiences on my adult life have been the following: late 2020 I began a relationship with a woman who would end up taking me through a rollercoaster of a toxic relationship and that brought the out the worst in me. This relationship was filled with manipulation, mind games, verbal abuse, and even some serious domestic violence/threat against my life on one occasion; all done to me by her. This relationship left me with absolutely no sense of myself, I did not know what way was up or down for the longest. The relationship ended late 2022 but even now almost 2 years later I’m not still fully recovered. During the time between the relationship ending until right now at this very moment I have lost three love ones: my grandfather who raised me, my grandmother who raised me, and my biological father just three months ago. As you could imagine I also struggling with alcoholism and substance abuse but never hard drugs (was just a really bad pothead like all day every day).
That’s the background and context to myself, I should also add this all takes places in a small town where everyone knows everyone, now for why I’m really here: It feels like the majority of my peers either ignore me, laugh at me, or hate me; and for no good reason. It’s almost like they don’t understand my weirdness and also don’t understand mental illness. I’m a rare case in that I’m a man who was in an abusive relationship with a woman and have C-PTSD from it (yes I see a therapist). I really try not to care what people think/say about me but it’s hard when it feels like it’s everyone. Really the only ones who care for me are my foster family and maybe 3 friends but I never ever get to see those friends as they have full time jobs or work, so I’m a pretty lonely guy.
I just wish someone would take the time to listen and understand. I’m not ugly, mean, or rude; I’m not a comedian but I’m pretty funny, I am not ugly in appearance but also not strikingly handsome. I like to think I’m a pretty decent human being just one who’s been through a lot. Idk what I’m doing wrong. Maybe it’s because I’m a male and maybe people automatically assume mental health struggles means you’re crazy. (I’m only slightly crazy but not straight jacket crazy lol)
I hope someone reads this :/

I don’t really know where to begin. I guess with describing myself; I’m an I usual person in my eyes at least. I’m heavily interested in topics no one else is like history and politics but also have super high aspirations of being an entrepreneur (am in school for business). My 23 years of life thus far have been anything but easy for the average person: since birth both parents either in jail or rehab, raised by grandparents until just before high school, foster care 4 years of high school, covid pandemic second semester of college(dropped out). The most negatively impactful experiences on my adult life have been the following: late 2020 I began a relationship with a woman who would end up taking me through a rollercoaster of a toxic relationship and that brought the out the worst in me. This relationship was filled with manipulation, mind games, verbal abuse, and even some serious domestic violence/threat against my life on one occasion; all done to me by her. This relationship left me with absolutely no sense of myself, I did not know what way was up or down for the longest. The relationship ended late 2022 but even now almost 2 years later I’m not still fully recovered. During the time between the relationship ending until right now at this very moment I have lost three love ones: my grandfather who raised me, my grandmother who raised me, and my biological father just three months ago.
That’s the background and context to myself, I should also add this all takes places in a small town where everyone knows everyone, now for why I’m really here: It feels like the majority of my peers either ignore me, laugh at me, or hate me; and for no good reason. It’s almost like they don’t understand my weirdness and also don’t understand mental illness. I’m a rare case in that I’m a man who was in an abusive relationship with a woman and have C-PTSD from it (yes I see a therapist). I really try not to care what people think/say about me but it’s hard when it feels like it’s everyone. Really the only ones who care for me are my foster family and maybe 3 friends but I never ever get to see those friends as they have full time jobs or work, so I’m a pretty lonely guy.
I just wish someone would take the time to listen and understand. I’m not ugly, mean, or rude; I’m not a comedian but I’m pretty funny, I am not ugly in appearance but also not strikingly handsome. I like to think I’m a pretty decent human being just one who’s been through a lot. Idk what I’m doing wrong. Maybe it’s because I’m a male and maybe people automatically assume mental health struggles means you’re crazy. (I’m only slightly crazy but not straight jacket crazy lol)
I hope someone reads this :/

Back in my college day, I have a friend who I will called “Peter” from now on. Peter has always been a guy who is my close friend and we basically a part of the same group when we hangout or go to any classes. One day, he seems to have a problem or an argument with his family and now he lay it out on me, wanting me to console him, or maybe to do something that would help with the situation, but that problem is internal within his family, so I can only give advice and one of them was for him to think about the good life that he has in the past, to look at the friendship scrap books and old messages that he got from his friends back in the day so that he could take his mind off the problem. After we talked about the situation and I helped him set his mind off the thing, he says thanks to me and we say goodbye to each other, but a short time after that, he DM a Sticker to me, and that Sticker look sinister, like he held a grudge on me or about to do something sinister. I didn’t respond anything to that.
Some time after that, I started to have my own problem, too, can’t remember the exact detail, but I choose to call Peter and confide in him. I talked about my struggle and problem that is going on, and what he chose to say to me is unbelievable. Instead of helping with my problem, he started to talk about a random game which I have no interest in at that moment, going into detail about its lore and world building, about how interesting this game is, completely ignore my problem, then he ended the talk by saying that “I just did what you’ve done to me in the past”. At the moment I don’t know what to said and I can only think about the day I consoled him in the past. Maybe I did something wrong back then? I only told him that I will improve whatever he wanted me to do better. The thing is, what he did to me has hurt me so much and I won’t be able to forget it anytime soon.
Fast forward to two-ish years later, I decided to settle this problem once and for all. I always knew that whatever problem I have, I could just talk directly to him, so I decided to call him and explain how he did the “I did what you did” thing to me and how angry I become due to that behavior. He said that he can’t remember that thing, and then started suggesting that we should cut ties from each other, but that’s not what I want. I just want everything to be the same, and also to lay this problem out on him, to show him how uncomfortable that behavior is to me. He just seems to respond with normal stuff like “yeah”, “okay”, “alright”, so I didn’t really know whether he actually understands what I said. So I called him again a few days later, to asked him to explain the problem, and then apologize to that. He did that, but then he also state that he don’t want to be my friend anymore, like we should just end things here. It broke my heart how we have come to this point. I still want him to be his old self, cause before I call out this whole thing, he is actually improve a lot and there are no more things that I really have problem with, except that one “I did what you did to me” thing. After that, we go to eat dinner together cause we are in the same group, but the whole time that we are there, he didn’t say hello to me, or talk to me at all. It is just me trying to initiate conversation with him, and he only nod or say “yes”, something like that. He really not wanted to talk to me. After the dinner is finished, everyone go home and we have an argument again, and he still stand by his choice to cut all contact with me, but then he told me that he will reconsidered his choice. A few days later, he reached out to me, and long story shot, he still think the same as before. He will cut contact with me, and I convinced him to continue staying in the group. I still don’t know whether we will get to meet up next time my group gets together, but it sounds like a point of no return for our relationship.
I never thought that calling him out like that would lead to that kind of damage, both to our friendship and our emotion. I thought we can always talk things out and everything will return to normal. But I think it doesn’t matter anymore, what matters is that my feeling is going through a rollercoaster right now. Sometimes, I still got angry about the argument and how I could told him “this” or “that” to change his view, or to have a come back to the argument. Sometimes, I think about the good old day and how we used to talk to each other, confide in each other, and how we laugh to silly things together. Other times, I got scary about what he is about to do when we meet again next time, how he potentially could hurt my feeling. And there are also times that I thought about how things could go differently. What if I just stayed silent and buried my grudge forever. I really missed the good version of him, and wished that we could be the same like before (minus that “I did what you did to me” thing). Can someone tell me how to get through this? How to process all of this thing? I don’t have that many close friend and losing him really have an impact on my life. Help.

My wife and I (44M) opened our relationship about 3 years ago. We had our ups and downs, but eventually came to the decision that while we don't want to break up our family (3 kids), we are not fullfiling each others needs. I wanted to open the relationship, and she basically agreed under the condition that she doesn't know anything about anything (don't ask don't tell). We remained friends, never had sex with each other since and continued the parenting aspect as if nothing changed.
For the past 3 years, I was quite active, including one meaningful relationship which lasted 1.5 years. Recently I've become intimate with a female friend of mine, which my wife knows (she is not friends with her). My wife found out and since then we have been on a rollercoaster of emotions. Apparently she though I was having casual sex which did not involve any feelings.
While I didn't break our "contract", I understand why it bothers her. However, this has led to much deeper discussions about our relationship. We are openly talking about either "closing" our relationship, optimizing the contract and breaking up. My wife said that she would want us to "close" our relationship, although we both agree that such a situation is probably not sustainable. She says that she cannot agree to an open marriage where there are feelings towards the other woman. I don't understand why. If our marriage has lost its love, why should I not be able to look for it elsewhere? Our domestic life is good and respectful. As for breaking up, maybe it's inevitable, but still sad. Our kids are small and experiencing a good family home.
I confused and sad. What should I do?

i've always been someone who doesn't like to share too much of myself online, but right now i just don't know where else to go to.
a week ago, my bf and i were on a date n we were just leaving the cafe when in the car; i get a dm from this girl i just met last sunday. (we had a nice conversation and exchange socials).
she says "no wonder you look familiar." i say "oh? where would you know me from?" i'm still confused and she proceeds to tell me that she must be confused or someone else is using my photos on bumble. she sends me a profile of a girl on bumble, it's all my pictures but with a different name. obviously i show my boyfriend and i even crack a few jokes about it. i screenshot the profile and sent it over to my group chat of me and my girlfriends and they also laugh about it. we all didn't know the extent of it.
boyfriend even plays investigator and manages to find the instagram user of the catfish. (he's so good at investigator he managed to find it with just the name as his only clue)
and the profile picture is me. he screenshots it and sends it to me. we just laugh cause it's ridiculous.
i share it across to my friends and we laugh about it. one of my friend even tries to follow the account so we can see who it could be. my boyfriend does that too.
i also notice that the pictures in the profile photo of her chat on bumble and of the instagram are pictures that i never posted on my main feed. could it be from my instagram stories before? i scroll through my story archive and even my private account. i don't see any of the photos. bf is also trying to help me figure it out.
the girl then asks me to what extent i would like i know of their conversations and i say she can tell me as much as she's comfortable with.
she tells me they've sexted and exchanged nudes. and she asks me if i want to see them. before i can make a decision bf cuts in and he's like "no don't, think u will be too upset if you saw them"
i'm like okay. something deep down tells me to just ask, because if she sends them at least i can try and figure out who this person is.
she sends the photos and my bf snatchs the phone away from me. he's trying to delete them but i grab the phone in time. as soon as i see the photos i want to throw up. because they were not what i was expecting to see. i thought it would be someone else's body, cropped head. typical catfish sext stuff.
but no it's me in my old apartment naked. both photos are photos that were secretly taken of me me i had no ideas my photos were being taken.
i run out of the car. my bf runs after me and he's asking me what's wrong. i have a bad feeling about all of this. i trust my bf with all my heart and he's a really good guy, but these pictures were taken in my old apartment where only he and one other friend has been at. started putting two and two together and realized that the pictures that were used in the profile icon of the chat in bumble and instagram were also pictures that i've only sent to him.
i call the group chat immediately and im hysterical. my friend is saying she's coming over immediately they're asking me if my bf is around me and if he can hold me and comfort me while we wait for friend to come. i can't breathe and i can barely get a few words out because im in full on panic mode. i finally managed to scream for him to get away from me and tell my friends i don't trust him.
he's begging me, telling me that's crazy babe what's going on. i tell him to give me his phone and he gives it to me willingly. i start going through it and he's like wait babe and trying to come closer so he can hover over me while i search through his phone.
i start running into the bathroom and i start to go through his phone. i can't find anything, and i confront him. i ask him "is it you?" he looks at me and i almost feel ridiculous bc he says "no?!"
i start to run away because he's trying to grab his phone from me. as im running im going through all the apps. go on the app store and download bumble to try and see if the account logged back in is him. it's not, its a new account. thought about hidden camera rolls that perverts use with a calculator app as the icon. it's not showing any results. i type every variation of secret photo app on the app store that i can think of and none of them are downloaded.
i start going through his email. i type in bumble. last email from bumble was the beginning of 2023 (a month before we started talking) so still nothing. no evidence. i was about to give his phone back to me, and part of me even felt bad for believing that he would hurt me. he almost looks betrayed that i would think its him. he's a good guy there must be some explanation. maybe he got hacked. maybe someone took his phone and did this.
i start softening up and i allow him to come closer. but something in me said try again and something in me tells me to try again.
telegram.
so then I type in telegram on his email and there it was. i was right.
a verification email with a girls name that i've never seen before.
so i download the telegram app straightaway and by this time he's starting to look worried. i request verification at the login page and put in the code and that's when he started to snatch the phone away from me.
im in and i see it. i scream. there are so many chats.
he goes full force into taking the phone now and i won't let him. i'm in the front seat and i pull my hand away to the backseat to move the phone away from his reach and he trying to grab it. he's pinning his body on me trying to reach the phone and i just won't let go bc i knew that if he deleted everything i would never know the truth.
i didn't know if i was strong enough to let him go without the evidence in my face. i genuinely don't think that i would have broken up with him bc of how much i trusted him and he would have come up with something so believable because he knew me that well. and i truly deep down believed that he was a good guy.
here's how i know he would have been like: how can u think that about me? have i not shown you enough that im a good guy? do you really think im like these other guys babe :( babeeee it hurts that u thought that i was capable of something like that. do u not trust me?
so he's on top of me trying to grab the. and i start screaming on top of my lungs. high pitch rollercoaster screams. and it doesn't stop him.
by some miracle my friend reaches the location as this is happening and as soon as she sees she runs out of her grab and tries to pull him away. she says later to me that it was scary. and she's never seen him like that. he was full force focused on the just the phone and he didn't care that he was hurting me.
this was a guy that, when we were play fighting and i so much as made a tiny noise, he would back off and apologize. and here he was, i was screaming on top of my lungs and he wouldn't stop.
my friend cannot stop him but bc of his strength and he manages to grab the phone but i don't let go. he's trying to pull me away from the phone but bc i won't let go i get dragged out of the car and on the road .
he starts begging and i start begging too he's like "please let us go through it together and i can hold the phone to show u what is in it" and i'm like "no let me hold the phone bc this is the only way i can feel in control please"
eventually i give up and agree and again, the universe had my back bc his phone dies. so he has no choice but to give my friend the phone to bring it to a cafe nearby to charge.
he asked if he could talk to me in the car and i say okay. he confesses to me that he did do stuff on telegram and that it was a kink, a fantasy for him.
the police then show up, and it turns out that through all that chaos, my friend was still on the line. and when she heard the screaming, she called the police.
we're at the police station all night long and i find out that he's been using my pictures and catfishing as me to over 40 chats. there about 900+ chats in total but he only responded to a few. and all for his fantasy.
that the girl that he was pretending to be (me) had a bf and i was cheating on him with every one of these men. and the men in these chats, they were also cheating on their wives/ partners with (me).
i just don't understand how this happened. i don't get it. i know every girl is going to say this about our relationship but my relationship was perfect. sure we had our fights here and there but we genuinely loved each other so much. he's the first guy i brought home to meet my parents. he was always so attentive, and caring and loving. and he made me feel seen. he always tried his best to make me the happiest. and none of that ever felt ingenuine to me.
he was a feminist, super woke guy. everyone around him knew him as a good guy. the nice reliable guy. he has good guy friends, a ton of girlfriends who treat him as a brother. good relationship with his sister and mum. always stood up for the right thing.
everyone is in shock. they all cannot believe it's him. my friends and family they couldn't sleep the first few nights it happened too bc they also can't believe it.
i have good people around me, more than what most people would have, but somehow i've never felt more alone than i do right now. everyone has been so kind and supportive. i genuinely am SO loved. they check in on me every other day, they try and keep me company but i don't know what to do.
i feel like a dark cloud bringing all this negative energy with me. i used to be able be alone with myself and i was so comfortable with that, but after everything that's happened, im just so disgusted with myself. how needy and vulnerable i am and how i can't just be by myself and i've just become desperate to get just a sliver of attention and validation from anyone who will give it to me. everywhere i am, i just feel like im taking up space, so i tell everyone im fine and ill just go home and be by myself because that's supposed to be my safe space but that is also the same place he violated me. in my own home. in my own bed.
everyone's life is going on as per usual. but i'm still here. i'm just here. waiting. waiting on the next task on the list, on the next thing i have to do to clean up this mess, waiting on the next text or the next phone call.
i'm doing everything myself. i'm like a self cleaning robot: i met up with lawyers myself for advice, i dealt with the police after myself, met up with his mum myself, arranged for therapy myself. i still dress up to go to work everyday and act my like my whole world didn't just implode a week ago. i know i can survive this but it's just so incredibly painful.
before all of this i was the luckiest girl in the world. i had everything i wanted. i have amazing friends, family, starting a new job that i've been aiming for for years, my peers in my industry respect me and are excited to work with me. now i have to remove myself from social media (advice from the police), be a ghost. and i don't think im the same person anymore. i don't know how to make conversations anymore and in a room full of people i just feel odd.
i can't wrap my head around it. i can understand if he said did it because he hates me, but he doesn't. he says he loves me. with every fiber of his being.
i just don't understand. someone please help me understand.

After going through and emotional rollercoaster and several days of depression, I'm looking to have a relationship, or something of that sorts with a girl.
I'm 20, college student studying in engineering. I'm 175cm tall and has an average build.
If anyone, any girl, is interested, feel free to drop a msg and we'll see how it goes ig