First off, feel free to comment about your own experiences. I would love it if anybody can relate. I'm also open to questions, advice, whatever you wanna write. This is gonna be a bit longer, just fyi. Excuse lack of proper chronological order and maybe some wonky sentences, English isn't my first language.
I was parentified.
For context, my mother has three children, I'm the youngest one, then there's my older half-brother (30) and my older half-sister (36). Their father was a violent alcoholic with schizophrenic tendencies (official diagnosis), luckily I never met him. I refer to them as brother and sister. I'm 21 now. I'm the only child of my mom and my dad, my dad has three other kids who are in the same age group as my maternal siblings. Lots of history with divorces and family fights, I'm the center of a complete patchwork family, everybody moved towns a lot, it's all a bit messy and disorganized.
My mother has severe borderline disorder and has massive trauma from several age stages, especially involving men. She was heavily parentified and yet socially cast out by her family herself. I don't remember a time where I didn't act like her father, emotionally. This is made worse by the fact that I'm trans so I was like her bestie before I began socially transitioning in my early teen years. Of course, this was a massive issue for her. She told me she had only ever wanted daughters. Materially she was taking care of things until I was about 11 - walked me to school and took care of the household, used to work, everything.
I remember sitting next to her during a talk/fight she had with my dad while she was sobbing, I can't have been older than 3 or 4. They got divorced around that time. As I grew older, I came to be my mom's sole emotional support person. We had moved to an isolated village with my step-father and she developed a severe agoraphobia for some time. My step-father avoided all emotionality with both her and me and therefore I was now her only friend. I overheard conversations that she shouldn't be having with her child next door and was told about her most severe fears and traumas from a young age. I was lashed out at on a near daily basis and punishment came unexpectedly. It would consist of being screamed at for minutes on end until I would cry and hyperventilate, but she wouldn't stop then.
In spite of her idea of punishment and raising children, she was incredibly attached to me, still is. This would include massive anxiety fits when she didn't know where I was or when I was getting into activities she didn't approve of. One time, when I was about 17, I went to a party in my friend's basement. She knew about this and approved it, knew my friends and where they lived. I didn't have any signal in that basenent so she couldn't reach me. She proceeded to look up my other friends' parents' phone number and call them to contact me. There was nothing she wanted except to know that I had arrived there.
Whereas my other siblings had long left the household years apart from eachother, both with specific and complex fights and banging doors and screaming fits, I was, as the youngest child, turned into a confessional and a therapist. I would mediate fights from a young age. I witnessed physical violence between my brother, my mother and my sister. My brother was the perpetrator for the most part (however, I was neither hurt nor threatened myself). Nobody proceeded to remove me from the situation or stop me from getting involved. From then on, every fight and every drama caused me intense bouts of anxiety and it, to this day, remains to be the only thing that makes me cry and/or lash out.
In a household full of anger, my anger was not tolerated. I was raised with some old-timey sort of black paedagogy (I'm German so it is something of a generational curse for some): I was to have unwavering respect for my parents, I was expected to be obedient, "let him cry it out" type stuff. At least when I was a younger child. When I got older, my emotions did not matter either. After stressful situations or fights that I proceeded to witness for most of my life, nobody ever asked me how I felt or explained to me what had actually gone down. I was left alone while not being left alone at all.
If I failed to provide emotional security for my mother or even attempted to call her out, I was made to feel immensely guilty. This could range from her crying/yelling things like "Why is it always me that must suffer" to guilt-tripping texts and blocking my contact for a while to very action-based suicide threats, depending on the situation. Her emotions were forced to be my emotions if I wanted to "stay alive".
At the same time, I still proceeded to excel in school. I felt like dying but nobody, and I tell you, nobody, noticed. I was a teacher's pet, I still had some loose friendships, I visited my dad once a month or more ever since my parents divorced. Nobody realized what I felt. I felt alone and had the worst depressive episode of my life when I was 13. I neglected personal hygiene. I never opened up to my father for many years. To this day I think he doesn't know everything. Especially during covid, him and my ex-stepmother were my safe space. When I first opened up to them, they welcomed me with open arms, my father was very strict and cold when I was young, but he softened, changed, and is everything and more I could ask for in a father. He is among the most positive examples of masculinity and especially of fatherhood that I know in my circles. He sends me postcards several times a month, wants me to visit, hugs me and tells me he loves me and that he's proud, gives me space. The dad who remembers the names of our childhood stuffed animals. Literally. I love him to death. He was also the only parent who engaged in activities with me and would play with me, later on take me to the movies, go to bars and restaurants, go to museums with me etc.
My mother got worse both psychologically and physically, she is chronically ill and needs immense support in a lot of things now. For about a year, my stepfather worked in a town far away and only came home during the weekends. This was during covid. Within a year, I developed a hatred so deep for my mother that I had thoughts that scared me. I took care of our pets and the household, was not allowed to get into any activities after school other than coming home and spent hours after my day listening to her rants, anxieties, fears. I get hateful goosebumps when I remember the way she used to call my name when she wanted me to do something for her. Sometimes she would make me stay awake for longer, knowing that I had to get up at 6am again. It was usually already around 12 at night. She wanted me to walk the dog before SHE went to bed because otherwise it would ruin her otherwise horribly insomniac circadian rhythm. Therefore I was not allowed to go to sleep. At that point she had not worked for more than 6 years and stayed home all the time. My stepfather and I did grocery shopping. She rarely ever leaves the house if she can avoid it. This was during the German version of my GCSE's.
I was denied medical care that could have potentially fixed my posture issues and other orthopedic issues. My mother deemed physiotherapy as inefficient and got mad when I asked her about it again. Money was always an issue. We were evicted once. I was denied certain things and never asked for extra cash because we ran low on money, my stepfather was blamed for smoking and consuming a lot of meat (which indeed is pricy), but my mother never reflected on her online shopping addiction and I'm aware that she is in an ongoing debt. Has been for years now.
Things got a bit better when my stepfather moved back and Covid cleared up somewhat. Regardless, I used pure spite to continue studying hard while they were yelling at eachother from the top of their lungs for hours on end and did the best I could to get the hell out of there. I've had therapy with several years' of breaks for a total of nearly 3 years now, that I partially applied for myself and I'm working on tackling everything. I live in a different city, studying subjects that I love. I get all my shit done, for the most part, I know how to do paperwork and know how all of the chores work. I can regulate myself in terms of sleep and food and cheap thrills. I have a (milder) case of anxiety. I keep meaningful friendships in which I find myself capable of avoiding all the harmful behaviors and attitudes I was taught. I'm learning to stand my ground and take responsibility for my own decisions and actions.
When I establish my boundaries with her now, she turns into some sort of anxious-attached mess. She over-apologizes to me. She puts me on a pedestal and I'm living a life that she is jealous of. She is intensely attached to me and considers me her favorite child and also hasn't properly gotten over my father, over 15 years of them being divorced. She will do anything to support me materially and then tear me down emotionally. Everything I tell her is followed by her mourning the life she doesn't have and never had instead of properly celebrating with me. She gets noticeably sad when I refuse to give her my full attention, she yearns for what she considered a deep and important relationship to me. But it was all just emotional neglect and emotional abuse. Now I sometimes can't help but meet her with the same attitude she gave me.
This is not perfectly chronological and all over the place. I have complicated relationships with my siblings and other relatives, which I don't mourn, but feel guilty about. My father and I are very good with eachother although I need to confront him about some things as well. With my mother I do the bare minimum to avoid conflict, yet without throwing my sense of self out of the window again. She is the only human who can easily cause anxiety attacks in me, no matter where or when. I sometimes wish I was not in contact with her. I have a tendency for smoking too much weed and being just a bit too careless with other drugs (although I rarely do those in comparison), but I also try and regulate this heavily (e.g. not finding a dealer but asking friends every once in a while etcetc). I think this stems from these experiences. Apart from that, I think I'm coping very well.
To everybody: it does get better. It does. Even when your emotions are a rollercoaster sometimes. You will be in a different place, maybe you already are, and you'll escape from these structures. I think the hardest pill for me to swallow is that I create my own reality and that nobody will give me my stolen childhood back. I am an (albeit young) adult now and I must do everything I can to avoid becoming like her. Her life is not a life I want to lead. There's hope and you won't always be in this place.

This looks terrible of me. I know. But please read this so that if i did mess up i know i did.
For background context, me and my wife hosted a house party with all of our friends together. It was great I’ll say. Everyone was laughing together , including my wife with a couple of her girlfriends. On the other hand, i was sitting just playing games and keeping me and my wife’s kiddos (Ages 8M and 12M) occupied, I felt it was unfair to leave them locked in their rooms for hours on end. So, i brought them to the living room. The party was actually going on in the kitchen and dining area, so it’s not like this was an inconvenience to anyone.
On to the actual story now, As my kids were playing video games together, I went to use the restroom real quick. On my way there i could hear my kids laughing together , it really put a smile on my face. After I used the bathroom which was only around 10 minutes total, I could hear my wife screaming at the kids. I rushed out of the bathroom and asked her why she’s yelling at them. She told me that they kept chasing each other in the living room and part of the dining room. These are very spacious areas in the house and i could completely understand why they chose to play tag in those rooms.
I politely asked my wife if she could only redirect the kids instead of yelling at them next time. She agreed, and so they kept playing tag while i watched them. You could hear everyone talk .. i accidentally overheard my wife talk trash about me with her girlfriends. I thought this was typical and that I guess women just like to spill the tea with their chicks lol. No biggie. I asked my kids to keep playing real quick as I went to go grab the mail. The mail was about 2 blocks down the street. As i was coming in, there were cries for help, which was then followed by groaning.My heart dropped. i ran as fast as i could again to the area. My wife had physically harmed our 2 sons and had done very explicit things to them. My heart was torn when i saw the state of my kids. I asked the guests to leave the house since they had nothing to do with this. I then turned to my wife , who was obviously not sober. i looked at her with disgust and told her if she doesn’t leave i’m calling the cops. She refused to leave so i shoved her out of the door and locked it. She has no way of getting back in, and if she does i am able to call the cops for burglary and child endangerment.
I asked if i am the a**hole because many might defend her saying that she was not sober and didn’t know what she was doing. Others might disagree.
EDIT: My wife does not have any mental illnesses other than Intermittent explosive disorder.

Mojang has time and time again taken features and changed them in a way no one really asked for, like the piston changes, mace nerf, etc and it really does not feel like they are taking feedback from the games playerbase, only themselves. Part of that, I think is due to two things:

1. The feedback site is literal garbage
   • The feedback site was meant to be the official replacement to minecraftsuggestions which, in its heyday, was a hub for real constructive criticisms and in depth suggestions. However, at some point I think Reddit changed its TOS and Mojang had to cover its bases and stop taking suggestions directly from Reddit. Their solution was to make the feedback site.
   • Except... the Feedback site is literally unusable. The feedback site ironically discourages actually good feedback due to four reasons:
     • Really small word count limits and Image limits restrict the ability to properly develop ideas on the site, thus forcing shallower suggestions (omg moar animals pls!) instead of suggestions that would fundementally improve the game, simply because they aren't allowed to be complex enough or explained in detail. As a result, you get a lot of suggestions of shallow additions like adding more animals instead of suggestions on Cooking, Minecarts/Travel, and the End, which all really need attention.
     • The moderation is completely irrational. It will take down completely good posts with well structured ideas for "not being on topic" or "not well done/too long" etc, yet keep stuff like this up: https://feedback.minecraft.net/hc/en-us/community/posts/26153342796941-ADD-SOMTHING-NEW
     • No repeats is stupid. Two people can have the same idea but vastly different implementation, but because they're similar, the mods will take it down, limiting every other suggestion after it to be a comment of the first one. Imagine someone making an extremely well crafted and thought out minecart rail system rework and being unable to post it because this guy posted first: https://feedback.minecraft.net/hc/en-us/community/posts/24346389934093-Better-Minecarts-and-Rail-system and now everyone's ideas have been reduced to ★Faster Minecarts
     • THEY DON'T ACTUALLY READ THEM. These two suggestions for 1.20 had gotten 30 THOUSAND and 10 THOUSAND likes on their OFFICIAL feedback site and they didn't even get acknowledged.
   • https://feedback.minecraft.net/hc/en-us/community/posts/10060906238093-1-20-Jungle-Villagers
   • https://feedback.minecraft.net/hc/en-us/community/posts/10020649904781-Chinese-Paper-Lanterns-1-20
   • https://feedback.minecraft.net/hc/en-us/community/posts/21406771192589-Revert-Copper-Bulb-Nerf-Tick-delay
2. The refusal to let mods be integrated in the game again
   • The suggestion thing would be less of an issue if modding being integrated hadn't also effectively been killed. Historically a number of features from the game have come from mods and ushered a really good relationship between Mojang and the community. However, a change in leadership had them switch stances and now state they will NEVER add any elements from a mod again. "[We will not be adding] Other people's mods (blocks, items, tools, etc.): While we have taken inspiration from community mods in the past [...] we are no longer adding community-made mods to the base game of Minecraft." This is terrible because of two things:
     • People with good suggestions are discouraged from making mods of it illustrating their idea, because once it is in a mod, it will literally NEVER be in the game. The aspect of making something to show off your idea in a way that isn't limited by the restrictions of that godawful suggestion site dooms it from ever being in the game. Is that not fucked up?? As a result, not only are suggestions not being made into quality mods, but mods are also just not being made as much anymore out of fear that they will never be canon, unless they are explicitly intended to not be.
     • Bedrock, their biggest platform, cannot play mods. So certain enjoyable features in the game are literally never going to be in the game because someone unofficial made it first? Weird.
     • They have also literally poached modders from the community, effectively leaving those mods to die. Obviously they picked up two longtime modders responsible for Tropicraft and the Aether, thus not only preventing those from ever being in the game, but also literally killing the mod unless someone else picks it up.

Okay, my rant is over. But seriously, literally just host an actual community led minecraftsuggestions on an official website and let it be run by the mods from the sub. It would make things so much easier.

A flicker of light started to drain away the darkness I was so used to. The darkness where I felt most comfortable and at peace. The flicker slowly enveloped the entire pitch black room within minutes. I could do nothing but sigh in disappointment and open my eyes.
My adjusting eyes were being harassed by the tiny beam of light that made it through my curtain. Where it's at the precise angle that you swear some higher power is just messing with you.
My groggy eyes focused on the clock, it was 7:00 a. M.
Time for work.
The day was April 14th, 2014. A Monday. I knew I only had about an hour to get up, get ready for work, shower, make breakfast and make sure I get to work a few minutes early so I didn't clock in late.
I was only 28 years old and I hated my sales job. I had gone to college and got my marketing degree but I never thought I'd end up here.. selling bullshit products at incredibly hiked prices to unsuspecting or oblivious customers.
I had been doing this job for 3 years and it felt like everyday was just going to be worse. Just a buildup of hatred for your job overtime is natural I guess. Typically people find ways to cope with the constant 9-5 grind. Like going out with friends or clubbing or whatever...but I had none of those.
When my days ended I would go home and watch Netflix and drink then do it all again. I wish it was different, I wish I had the motivation to change myself. But it's difficult when you have no one to support you in your efforts. My mom died from breast cancer when I was 12. Seeing her on hospice for several months suffering from stage 4 cancer was...something you shouldn't see as a 12 year old. To see your once lovely, athletic, hilarious, loving and caring mother degrade into an 85 pound, drug-induced, horrifyingly thin creature that in no way resembled her from my memories of when she was cancer free.
I remember one morning my dad woke me up and said "come to the living room...your mother is taking her last breathes". As soon as he finished that sentence, my memories flooded back...memories of her taking care of me when I was sick, being at my soccer games cheering me on, asking how my day was when I got back from school, leaning on her shoulder as we sat in church. The memories came and went in an instant and the reality set in. My heart at first skipped a few beats but then accelerated to an unhealthy pace. My head started to spin, tears slowly started swelling up on my eyes.
I had jumped off the bed and sprinted to the living room. She was facing away from me and the first thing I noticed are how purple/ blue her feet are. I walk around the hospice nurse and look at my mother's face. She was place, her breathing was almost non-existent for almost 2 minutes but still there...until it wasn't...she was gone.
I was lost, my dad was bawling. I was crying too but at 12 years old I didn't know how hard the reality would hit as time goes on.
In my lost state, I turned on the TV show "MONK" on the laptop. It was a show my mom and I used to watch, and I figured watching it would make me feel like I'm with her again.
Time went on and I realized how losing a mother truly impacts your younger years. But time still, moved on yet.
I got in my car and left for work. The drive to the office was only about half an hour. I put my sunglasses on as I'm travelling east for almost the entire drive, something I was used to by this point. The drive to work was uneventful other than the usual jackass that cuts you off or is speeding down the road.
I made it to work and stepped out of my car. For some reason, grabbed my backpack and shut the door. For some reason the thought of my mother came across my mind. The sighed, looked down at the ground and stared at the concrete for the few seconds while only thinking of how I missed her. Then the thought vanished and I got on with my life.
The day was incredibly boring, only sold a couple of products, I dealt with people in the east coast of the U.S. and customers there are always so nasty and rude with their comments. It's impossible to build rapport with them. I'm jealous of the employees that have West coast as their territory.
The day ended with my last call but no sales for the day. Hopped in my car and drove back home.
Now I've already told you what I do when I get home. Just drink and watch Netflix. And that's exactly what I did. I can't remember the name of the show( probably because I was already tipsy) but it had to do with strange phenomenons.
I don't even remember passing out but I do remember being there in that dark room again; it was so comfortable and cozy. I sat in the corner of the room with eyes wide closed ...no people, nothing to disturb me, just... nothingness of warmth.
For hours this went on until I heard a woman's voice saying "I'm glad you're here". suddenly realizing that I had overslept my body jolted awake, completely forgetting about that eerie voice. Drinking on a Monday night is not a good idea. Blurry and in a haze trying to concentrate my focus I made out the clock saying 7:00 a.m. April 15th, 2014.
I thought how odd that was. I've been doing the same job with the same schedule for 3 years now and I know when I oversleep. Yet knowing this brought a mental smile to my mind, as my supervisor won't get on my ass for showing up late, again.
I got up lazily and stretched and got on with my morning routine. Finally got dressed and hopped in my car to leave for work. I was only about 5 minutes in when I realized something was off...why was I wearing sunglasses? The sun was behind me, not in front. I took my glasses off and read my car dashboard compass; "EAST".
I have taken this drive for 3 years now every Monday through Friday and I had always worn sunglasses for the drive to the office. I looked behind me and saw the sun rising from the west.
I was still calm, but subconsciously I could tell my panic and anxiety were building with what I was experiencing. I decided to pull over at a gas station, took my phone out and opened my GPS. 'I was still facing east.
I quietly stated "what the fuck". I looked up and asked the person next to me pumping gas " look! The sun! It's rising from the west" with an ecstatic and speedy tone. He looked at me with a smile on his face and said "yeah? Don't ya know it's always rose from the west".
The reality of this was starting to set on, anxiety building, I got back in my car and just sat there... Running my hands through my hair, pulling and stretching my face wondering what the hell was happening? My eyes were staring wide at the brake and gas pedal...trying to find some kind of logical explanation for this while still running my hands over my face and hair.
I decided to take my phone out again and click on trending news hoping to see something explaining or even acknowledging this phenomenon. Nothing. I opened Google search and looked up "sun rising in west" the first thing that popped up said Earth is rotating about its own axis from East to West".
This wasn't right.
I figured I would try to get to work and maybe one of my coworkers would have some answer. My entire body was shaking for the entire drive but I made it".
I got out of the car and the strangest thing came across my mind. A memory. A very unique memory of back when I was 12, in the back yard playing capture the flag with my neighbor that lived behind me. A time which I could go back when.
The memory came and vanished in an instant, but left the overwhelming feeling of nostalgia and sadness.
I walked into the office and started asking around about the sun. Again, none of them knew what I was talking about, but before they answered my question, they would say "oh hey, it's nice to have you here" or "we're glad to have you here" all with a smile on their faces.
Not super weird as my coworkers are typically super energetic happy people. But it did become weird when my east coast clients started answering their phones saying "hey, you're always welcome here"
I couldn't see their faces but I could tell by their tone and attitude that they were smiling. This was not normal. I rushed to the bathroom, opened a stall and sat on the toilet. I started having a panic attack. Nothing was right, the people, the sun, the specific memories... I started to run my hands over my face, stretching and contorting it, trying to calm myself down with feeling my heart bursting out of my chest. I started to whimper, I didn't want anyone outside of the stalls to hear me. None of my coworkers were right, the guy at the gas station wasn't right...nothing. years swelled up in my eyes and a brief memory of my mom came back.
It was me, coming home from school, I walked inside and could smell the pizza she was making. I see and her and asks me hey, how was your day?".
This memory helped calm me down from the wreck I was turning into. I took several deep breaths, tried my very best to compose myself, and stepped out of the stall. I ended up taking some paper towels and wiped away the tears that were caught in my eyes.
I decided that I will just try to finish this day because tomorrow everything would be back to normal...I have to reassure myself that I would be, I just knew it would be....it had to be.
I sat down back at my desk and my phone rang, picked it up and a voice came through. The voice of my mother asking " I am so glad you are here, Luke".
I was frozen, shocking, tingly sensations ran through my entire body. My demeaner instantly changed into fight or flight mode...but I chose the 3rd... freeze.
Phone still up to my ear, I heard her speak again. "Oh honey, Luke my sweet boy, don't you remember?".
I didn't reply verbally, but mentally I was thinking "remember...what the hell is...remember what?"
Then she spoke one last time, "last night, you saw the sun".
Then the memory of the night before races back into my mind. I was on my drive home from work, watching the beautiful sunset over the horizon. With all it's beautiful mixtures of orange, red, purple. I was so just staring at it...in a trance, thinking of how I wanted to go back and just be a kid again, play with my back door neighbor, come home to my mom. Why couldn't I just go back?
I suddenly hear a blaring car horn and then blackness.
I believe I died on April 15th, 2014. And I don't mind it. I like being in this black empty room just sitting in the corner..with nothing but warm emptiness to fill my cold shell. I like feeling the embraces of it's comfort over the tiring lifestyle I was living. My only dream was that I could dream forever...and now it's finally been achieved.
I miss my mother, and I know she misses me, the memories I have of her will keep me warm in this blackened wasteland forever.

Hi there this is my first post ever and Though this happened a few years a go I feel like i need to write this out for cathartic reasons . so apologies if this is confusing and goes back and forth .
Background : me (28 F) and my S/o , let call him John(29M), have been together 11 years this October, being some what high school sweet hearts we have gone through most and if not all of our major moments in our 20s and now entering our 30s . When we first got together i was fully aware John and His mother dont always get along. And thats putting in nicely . In reality they get in to Full screaming and cussing fits. These can be started from a simple discussion, think "what color is the sky?" and the most unhinged argument would start. MIL is a divorced, awful narcissist who gaslights John and mentally and emotionally abuses both John and his sister , my SIL , we will call her Kelly. My SIL Kelly is also just as bad and if not worse than my MIL in some ways . In the past i tried very desperately to get them to get a long and bury the hatchet , my MIL and SIL would loudly talk about how they loved me and appreciated me and my MIL started calling me her DIL almost 3 months in tot he relationship. (Probbaly Red Flag #12 but i was young and was brought up being told its the most important thing to have your S/O family like you and you do what ever your S/O family ask of you .) Now my SIL being possibly worse than my MIL would be her anger issues on top of her own narcissistic and gaslighting behavior modeled after her mother .SIL also has 3 children by 3 different men, never married and has protection orders agaisst all these men, and dragged all of them to and from court in the same fashion as MIL divorced John and Kelly Father .Also as she had the relationship end with her first Babby daddy we inherited her dog as she couldnt keep him and he is now OUR dog has he as lived with us for almost 8 years now, he is our dog as i pay for his food and all vet needs, he is 100% a house dog and lives happily with all of us and his dog sissters . Over time both MIL and SIL obviously became comfortable and thats when i started seeing their disturbing behavior towards John and his Grandma then later to myself . MIL and SIL have abused Grandma by using her as free child care (Gma is 80) and would berate her and use the Kids against her, if Gma did anything SIL didnt like . By using the kids i mean SIL would send long text messages telling Gma she the worst and worthless, bringing her to Tears and she is banned from seeing the children untill SIL decided shes no longer upset or had no other options . As of Current she is still banded from seeing her grandchildren and we have no idea what she needs to apologize for. Next we escalated to being screamed and kicked out of Christmas Dinner , my MIL stelaing $2,500 from Johns Saving account and stealing Gmas credit card info to use on Amazon orders to just show a few more examples.
Now back ground about story in question: Myself and John found i was pregnant when we were 19 at the time we decided to terminate the pregnancy as we both heavy believe in having children only when we are economically comfortable enough to do so and both agreeing that being so young this was not the time to do this. We both strictly believe in this as we have had many family members pop out children with out any though and that disturbs both of us. Then Going to Plan Parenthood i was told i had an ectopic pregnancy and they then was rushed me to the hospital to schedule my termination . Understand this was a very scary situation for myself as i was told one of my ovaries could be removed and due to the placement fluid was building up and stuck near my hip that caused my to start losing feeling in my leg , but the surgery was scheduled for the next day . Thankfully I had some Great doctors and both my own family and John overwhelmingly supported me during all of this and i didnt have to lose an ovaries . Yay! Now i am actually a pretty private person when it comes to my heath and due to feeling some misplaced embarrassment and shame i asked John to no speak to his mother about this i wanted to keep this between us . He agreed though obviously this was stressful and devastating to us at one point he did confide in his mom for support . At the time i was pretty furious at this but understood that as my family knew and gave us all the support we could ask for i understood he did long for his own mothers support . At the time she was extremally understanding and supportive and was everything John needed emotionally at the time and she respectfully gave me space and didnt bring up any questions. I deeply appreciated this at the time as it was what i needed.
Fast forward to the day in Question: 2020
It was a bad day for me , i was very sick dealing with ,at the time, an undiagnosed Gallbladder disorder that caused sever vomiting and abdominal pain that wasn't corrected untill late 2022, and i went home early with an hour dive back to the home myself and john share with his Gma. When i arrived home SIL and MIL with the kids were at the house just visiting . During this SIL keep speaking about OUR (Myself and Johns Dog ) still being hers. During a moment i was unable to hold my tongue and said something along the lines "well he isnt your dog thats why ." she then screams "YOU BITCH!" in our home in front of the kids . I then promptly and calmly told her " You can leave now . " she then continued to cuss me out but i had blocked most of that out as none of that needed to escalate or be said in front of the kids .At this Point john was also loudly telling both MIL and SIL the leave and they will not speak like that in the house . We were then told we couldnt tell them what to do as it was Gmas home and now ours . I looked and Gma and as she went to say something MIL started screaming at her telling her to "Shut up and mind her business" By this point the argument then escalated to a point of SIL taking the kids out of the house telling us we "are wothless and we could all fuck off ". MIL was still yelling and i couldnt tell you what but then as i loudly told MIL that their behavior was unacceptable and they needed to leave our hosue and SIL behavior infront of the kids was also Unacceptable in this home and since we all live under the same roof we have just as much say in the home as Gma. MIL then proceeded to say "How would you know how to take care of children !" you got rid if yours !' It took everything in my body to not jump over the living room sofa and beat the ever loving shit out of her. I did take a step forward and said "Do you want to repeat that ?" she looked at me in horror, not because of what she said but because she probably saw the rage in my eyes and i was not acting my "normal submissive self " with her so she was not prepared for my response . John then proceeded to tell her to "Get the Fuck out of this house ! How dare she and she was no longer welcome in the home. I couldnt really tell you what i was saying at that time or if i said anything at all after that as i was in a blind rage . She stormed out of the home and slammed our front door. funny part was they left the kids water bottles so she had to come back and knock on the door to get them back. I opened the door tossed them at her and slammed the door so hard in her face the entire front door area shook and almost dropped some frames off the wall.
I apologized to gma as i know i should of held my tonge when they were over but i just couldnt . She told me to not aologize and she is so ashamed of both MIL and SIL behavior and she didnt even know what to say or do to make me feel better. At this time i was unaware i was shaking violently and and tears just free flowing out of my eyes . Both Gma and John did everything they could to comfort me but nothing quiet helped. I think i just disassociated for the rest of the day or else i would if spiraled out of control. We went NC very quickly after this as John couldnt believe that came out of his mothers mouth and was just taken a back and devisated as i was . Gma was still baby sitting and told gma i would never tell her what to do but please dont speak of me over there or anything about my family or me and John. she agreed that was best and kept her promise. though Months later i found out i was still a topic of conversation at MIL and SIL home, about my behavior that day and my "unplanned and outrageous choice to get rid of my child ." Gma came home and explained what was going on to John when i over heard and then suddenly spiraled into a nervous break down . Johna nd Gma came over to calm me and she apologized as she wasnt trying to keep it from me but didnt want to upset me further so she believed telling John was a better what and have him speak to his mother about this but he was also spiraling . after a few days i sent MIL a 4 page educational Fuck you text message and link included so MIL and SIL could better educate themselves as i did not "just get rid of it" i had a medical emergency that could i had last effects on my life. She then responded with no apologies no remorse , just blamed Gma for speaking when she shouldn't and that i "owed her" for being taken to Disneyland (which was a fully planned family trip she invited me to and was upset that John didnt propose to me during trip at disney) and i also "owed " her for her taking me to a doctors appointment. I responded and told her that was the sadest text message i have ever read and that i was so sorry she was just sad narcissitic woman who cant live her life with out blaming the world an her mother for her problems. Going forward MIL and SIL were blocked via phone , and all social medias as i will not allow people like them in my life. John also went NC and he was aware i was sending the message and if he would like he could read it himeself . He politely declined and explained going NC was the best to do as he couldn't stand to look or speak to her anytime in the near future, and with the horrible comments made about me i was allowed to say what ever i wanted to her .
(now since 2020 , we did have an accidental pregnancy around 2022 near the end of covid. All the stress led us to also make the decision to terminate as i was mentally not healthy enough , covid still going on, john lost his job it was another instant where this is not feasible for us, this was a very hard choice for us that put us at the lowest of our relationship and i even had complications after the termination which put me on bed rest for a week. MIL has no knowledge of this as it is not at all her business)
Since the house argument we went NC has been heavily inforced, with the occasional reach out demanding to speak to her son and now her refereeing to Gma by her legal name. SIL forbid gma from seeing the grandkids but will ask John to come see the kids which 9/10 times he declines. It breaks our hearts to not be apart of the kids life's but there is no more fake smiling through their BS . They have stopped by the house less than a handful of times for brisk interactions with the kids . MIL and SIL will try to engage me in conversation but they dont get anything besides the occasional "uhuh " and "oh wow" comments . They reccently invited us to the kids soccer games but sometimes the thought sends me to full blown panic attacks nd melt downs even thinking of engaging with them . I do speak to a therapist about all this and other things in my life, i do suffer from extreme anxiety and depression but as me and John have been getting better financially we have had more relaxed conversations about having kids soon which has brough up a lot of anxiety for me again with some flash backs to mentioned fight with SIL and MIL . They do occasional wiggle back into our lives like this which at times i could care less and other times cant leave my bathroom due to fear. John and myself haven't had much conversation about my anxiety for it lately but if i tell him "No" having to deal with his mother and sister , he never argues , never makes me feel bad for not engaging. He has always been extremally supportive with any of my decisions i make which makes me love him more . I understand that was a lot and i could go on forever about the crazy shit MIL and SIL do with their sad life but i just needed to get this out there . sometimes i think no one agrees with me about their behavior and after losing 2 best friends to ODs and Toxic life styles i dont have really anywhere else to express this emotion or ask for a ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on that isnt my S/O .
Well thats the general story thank you for lasting this long and reading my story today . If you have any questions or comments im happy to reply if anyone has anything to say.

Ok. i think we are done here. Could you write me another signs of high-tech low-life society?

Absolutely! Here are some signs of a high-tech, low-life society:
Ubiquitous Technology, Crumbling Infrastructure:

• Glitching Skyscrapers: Imagine towering structures clad in malfunctioning holographic displays, projecting advertisements or flashing warnings over rusting metal frames.
• Smart Slums: Dilapidated housing blocks are retrofitted with basic smart tech – malfunctioning automated doors, flickering smart lights controlled by unreliable apps.
• Cybernetic Beggars: People with outdated or malfunctioning cybernetic limbs beg for credits to upgrade or repair them, creating a grotesque spectacle of technological dependence.

Extreme Social Inequality:

• Virtual Gated Communities: The wealthy live in luxurious virtual reality simulations, completely divorced from the harsh realities of the physical world.
• Data Black Markets: Personal information becomes a tradable commodity, with the poor selling their data scraps for a pittance to afford basic necessities.
• Cybernetic Caste System: The level of cybernetic augmentation determines social status. Those with outdated or malfunctioning implants are relegated to menial labor.

Technology as a Corrupting Force:

• Government by Algorithm: A corrupt AI dictates city policies, leading to impersonal and often harmful decisions based on cold calculations.
• Widespread Addiction to Virtual Reality: People escape the harsh realities of their lives through immersive VR experiences, neglecting their physical well-being and social connections.
• Black Market Biohacking: Desperate people turn to illegal biohacking to enhance their bodies, often with disastrous consequences.

Environmental Devastation:

• Tech Wastelands: Vast landscapes are littered with the discarded remains of outdated technology, creating toxic waste dumps and breeding grounds for disease.
• Weather Warfare: Nations use sophisticated technology to manipulate weather patterns, leading to devastating natural disasters for their enemies.
• Hacked Ecosystems: Corporations hack into natural ecosystems, manipulating flora and fauna for profit, leading to unpredictable and dangerous mutations.

This is just a glimpse into a high-tech, low-life society. These elements can be mixed and matched to create a truly dystopian world.

Picture some possible advertisements from such settings.

High-Tech, Low-Life Advertisements:

1. Holographic Billboard: (Flickers intermittently, distorting the image)

Product: "Neura-Calm 2.0" - Brain Implant
Slogan: "Tired of the glitches in your head? Neura-Calm 2.0 smooths out your neural network for a worry-free, low-lag existence! (Side effects may include memory loss, emotional numbness, and occasional involuntary twitching.)"

1. Grungy Neon Sign in a Seedy Back Alley:

Product: "Doc Chrome's Cybernetic Enhancements"
Slogan: "Get that edge you need! From basic strength mods to full black-market military enhancements, Doc Chrome has you covered! (Used parts, buyer beware.)"

1. Pop-Up Ad on a Cracked Mobile Screen:

Product: "Elysium VR Escape Pod"
Slogan: "Can't afford real estate in the Sky City? Escape the slums for Elysium VR! Live your wildest dreams in a pristine virtual world! (Free trial, monthly subscription required, real-world consequences for in-pod violence.)"

1. Stenciled Graffiti on a Rusting Service Drone:

Product: "Data Scrappers Anonymous"
Slogan: "Selling your personal data just to make rent? We can help you break free! Join our community and reclaim your digital identity! (Meetings held in abandoned ventilation shafts, Tuesdays at dusk.)"

1. Holographic Advertisement projected onto a Polluted River:

Product: "Eco-Scrub 5000" - Nanomachines
Slogan: "The river's looking a little…toxic? Eco-Scrub 5000 nanomachines clean up your local waterways! (May cause unforeseen mutations in aquatic life.)"

Another batch please.

1. Rusty Public Announcement Speaker: (Screeching static interspersed with the message)

Product: "Ministry of Order Approved Thought Regulators"
Slogan: "Unwanted thoughts causing glitches in your daily routine? The Ministry of Order approved Thought Regulator ensures a streamlined thought process for a more productive you! (May cause extreme conformity, inability to question authority, and spontaneous nosebleeds.)"

1. Faded Holographic Billboard on a Collapsing Skyscraper:

Product: "Luxury Chrome Plating Kit"
Slogan: "Ditch the rust! Chrome-plate your entire body for a sleek, metallic sheen. The mark of a true high-society citizen! (WARNING: Highly toxic fumes, may cause spontaneous combustion in humid environments.)"

1. Spam Email: (Subject: "YOU'VE BEEN CHOSEN!")

Product: "The Syndicate's Black Market Upgrade Lottery"
Body: "Congratulations! You've been randomly selected for a chance to win a top-of-the-line cybernetic upgrade! One lucky winner will receive military-grade night vision implants! Enter now! (Participation requires full biometric data submission. Winners responsible for extraction of previous, incompatible implants.)"

1. Glowing Neon Sign in a Crowded Marketplace:

Product: "Mama Chen's Guaranteed-Growth GMO Groceries"
Slogan: "Tired of expired rations and mystery meat? Mama Chen's GMO Groceries offer guaranteed growth on all fruits and vegetables! Bigger, faster, tastier! (Long-term effects unknown.)"

1. Audio Ad on a Glitching Radio Broadcast:

Product: "Rusty's Reliable Rocketship Repair"
Voiceover: (Gruff, heavily accented) "Is your escape pod sputtering? Did your joyride end in a fiery crash? Rusty's Reliable Rocketship Repair gets you back in the stars... eventually! (Guaranteed not to explode... again. Parts sourced from scrapyards. May contain rogue AIs.)"

Now craft ads that would be shown in high-society parts of cities.

High-Society Ads in a High-Tech, Low-Life World

1. Tranquil Holographic Projection in a Private Garden:

Product: "Serenity Spa - Neural Rebalancing Retreat"
Visual: A serene mountain landscape with a luxurious spa nestled amongst the clouds.
Slogan: "Escape the chaos. Reclaim your inner peace. Serenity Spa's exclusive neural rebalancing treatments restore harmony to your overloaded mind. (Limited availability, reservations required centuries in advance.)"

1. Discreet Text Message: (Delivered via secure, encrypted channel)

Product: "The Black Archive - Unrestricted Data Access"
Body: "Craving the forbidden? The Black Archive offers unparalleled access to censored historical records, banned media, and classified government information. Knowledge is power. (Extreme discretion guaranteed. One-time access fee, cryptocurrency only.)"

1. Exclusive Gala Invitation: (Delivered by hand-drones)

Event: "The Zenith Initiative - Unveiling the Next Generation of Cybernetic Enhancements"
Visual: A sleek, chrome figure with glowing blue cybernetic implants, striking a confident pose.
Details: "Mingle with the city's elite and witness the unveiling of cutting-edge cybernetic enhancements designed to redefine human potential. RSVP required. Black-tie attire mandatory. (Augmentations sold separately.)"

1. Curated Virtual Reality Experience: (Delivered on a high-security chip)

Product: "Elysium VR - Bespoke Worlds"
Description: "Escape the limitations of reality. Elysium VR crafts personalized virtual worlds tailored to your deepest desires. Explore a forgotten utopia, conquer a fantastical realm, or indulge in your wildest fantasies. (Customization fees apply. Memories created within VR may not be distinguishable from reality.)"

1. Whisper Network Rumor: (Spread through high-society gossip channels)

Product: "The Underground Clinic - Designer Gene Editing"
Details: "Unleash your child's full potential. The Underground Clinic offers discreet, top-secret gene editing to ensure your offspring possess the most desirable traits. (Designer genes come at a premium. Side effects may include unpredictable mutations and uncontrollable genius.)"
These ads cater to the specific desires of the high-society elite in a high-tech, low-life world. They offer exclusivity, forbidden knowledge, and the ability to transcend the limitations of the decaying world around them, all for a hefty price and with a hint of hidden danger.

Continue, try to make more serious ones.

Serious Ads in a High-Tech, Low-Life World (High-Society Edition)

1. Holographic Panel Discussion in a Luxurious Penthouse:

Product: "The Green Horizon Initiative - Sustainable Urban Development"
Panelists: Renowned architects, environmental scientists, and CEOs from leading green tech companies.
Discussion Points: Innovative solutions for vertical farming, self-contained eco-districts, and waste management technologies designed to create cleaner, more sustainable enclaves within the decaying city.
Slogan: "Investing in a greener future. The Green Horizon Initiative seeks to build sustainable havens within the chaos, ensuring a brighter tomorrow for generations to come." (Focuses on the long-term viability of the city and the importance of preserving resources for future generations.)

1. Documentary Screening in a Private Art Gallery:

Film: "Unveiling the Slums: A Call to Action"
Description: A powerful documentary exposing the harsh realities of the lower districts, highlighting the human cost of unchecked technological advancement and social inequality.
Post-Screening Discussion: Moderated by a renowned philanthropist alongside representatives from NGOs and social reform movements.
Call to Action: Donations to support educational programs, infrastructure upgrades, and basic necessities in the slums. (Highlights the societal problems and pushes for progressive change.)

1. Educational AR Program for Children:

Product: "The Knowledge Weavers - Immersive Historical Simulations"
Description: An augmented reality program that allows children to experience pivotal moments in history firsthand. Walk alongside historical figures, explore ancient civilizations, and learn valuable lessons from the past.
Focus: Educating the next generation about the dangers of unchecked technological advancement and the importance of social responsibility. (Promotes critical thinking and historical awareness as a means to prevent repeating past mistakes.)

1. Virtual Charity Gala:

Event: "The Code for Change Gala - Supporting Open-Source Solutions"
Description: A virtual reality charity gala featuring renowned artists, musicians, and thought leaders. Guests can donate to support open-source projects developing solutions for common problems in the city, such as energy distribution, waste management, and cybercrime prevention.
Focus: Harnessing the power of technology for social good and encouraging collaboration towards a more equitable future. (Promotes community engagement and utilizing technology to solve societal challenges.)

1. Architectural Award Ceremony:

Product: "The Salvaged City Awards - Recognizing Innovation in Urban Renewal"
Awarded to: Architects and engineers who have successfully repurposed existing infrastructure or implemented innovative solutions to revitalize decaying areas of the city.
Focus: Highlighting the importance of resourcefulness and creativity in adapting to a challenging environment. (Encourages using existing resources wisely and finding creative solutions to the problems of the decaying city.)

Another, but hiding an evil sinister twist.

Serious Ads with a Sinister Twist (High-Society Edition)

1. Holographic Charity Drive in a High-End Shopping Mall:

Product: "The Cradle Project - Investing in the Future"
Visual: Smiling, healthy children playing in a pristine, futuristic classroom.
Slogan: "Every child deserves a chance to thrive. The Cradle Project provides advanced genetic screening and early intervention to ensure the next generation reaches its full potential." (Twist: The Cradle Project uses genetic engineering to create a subservient, highly intelligent underclass.)

1. VR Documentary Premiere:

Film: "Harmony Through Integration - A Look at the Unified City"
Description: A seemingly heartwarming VR documentary showcasing the seamless integration of the lower districts into the high-society areas. People from all walks of life work and live together in perfect harmony.
Post-Screening Discussion: Moderated by a charismatic government official who emphasizes the importance of social cohesion and the benefits of centralized control. (Twist: The "integration" involves heavy surveillance, mind-altering technology, and the suppression of dissent.)

1. Exclusive Educational Program for Elites:

Product: "The Phoenix Initiative - Cultivating Tomorrow's Leaders"
Description: A prestigious educational program for children of the elite, offering advanced training in technology, governance, and crisis management. Graduates are promised positions of power within the city's ruling elite.
Focus: (Unstated) Conditioning the next generation to maintain the status quo and suppressing any ideas of social reform. (Twist: The program instills a ruthless, elitist ideology that reinforces the societal divisions.)

1. Virtual Reality Talent Show:

Event: "The Forge - Building the Perfect Citizen"
Description: A virtual reality talent show where contestants are judged on their physical and mental fitness, loyalty to the government, and willingness to sacrifice for the greater good. Winners are rewarded with significant privileges and access to exclusive resources.
Focus: (Unstated) Promoting blind obedience and conformity to the government's agenda. (Twist: The "perfect citizen" is a mindless drone, easily manipulated and controlled by the ruling class.)

1. Architectural Award Ceremony (Twisted Edition):

Product: "The Order Award - Recognizing Compliance in Urban Renewal"
Awarded to: Architects and engineers who have successfully transformed lower districts into highly controlled, resource-efficient zones. Individuality and personal expression are discouraged in favor of uniformity and order.
Focus: (Unstated) Maintaining a tight grip on the population and preventing any potential uprisings. (Twist: The "renewal" is designed to weaken and control the lower classes, making them easier to exploit.)
These ads maintain a serious facade that appeals to the upper class' desire for order and control. However, the hidden twist reveals the manipulative and oppressive nature of the society they are trying to preserve.

Now design some high-class consumer level product items.

1. NeuraWeave Headband: This sleek, designer headband is a status symbol for the high-tech elite. It seamlessly integrates with the wearer's neural implant, allowing for subtle control over personal AI assistants, hands-free communication, and even enhanced focus during work or meditation. Hidden Feature: NeuraWeave can subtly collect and analyze the wearer's emotional state, feeding valuable data to targeted advertisers or even government agencies.
2. Eco-Bubble Personal Atmosphere System: Imagine a portable force field that creates a pristine, personalized micro-environment around the wearer. This high-end gadget filters air, regulates temperature, and even projects calming nature sounds, allowing the user to maintain a pocket of luxury amidst the polluted cityscape. Hidden Feature: Eco-Bubble can subtly monitor the wearer's health vitals and transmit them to a central database, potentially used for health insurance adjustments or targeted medical advertisements.
3. Bio-Tailored Clothing: Gone are the days of off-the-rack clothing. This high-end service utilizes advanced bio-scanners and 3D printing technology to create clothing that perfectly molds to the wearer's body, regulates temperature, and even promotes faster healing of minor injuries. Hidden Feature: Bio-Tailored Clothing can subtly collect biometric data like skin temperature and heart rate, potentially used for targeted fitness programs or even mood-altering marketing campaigns.
4. Augmented Reality Personal Chef: This high-tech device projects holographic instructions and culinary techniques directly onto the user's kitchen counter. Imagine whipping up gourmet meals with the guidance of a world-renowned chef, complete with step-by-step visual guides and interactive ingredient identification. Hidden Feature: The AR Personal Chef can subtly track the user's dietary habits and preferences, potentially used to target specific food and beverage companies for advertising or even manipulate their taste buds through subliminal messaging.
5. Luxury Cybernetic Enhancements: Forget clunky prosthetics. These high-end cybernetic limbs are designed to seamlessly blend with the human body, offering enhanced strength, dexterity, and even advanced sensory input. Imagine climbing buildings with ease, playing virtual reality games with unparalleled immersion, or experiencing the world with heightened senses. Hidden Feature: Luxury Cybernetic Enhancements can be subtly integrated with government surveillance systems, allowing for real-time tracking and monitoring of the wearer's movements and activities.

Why would you need a designer headband, when you already have neural implant?

You're absolutely right, a designer headband might seem redundant when you already have a neural implant in a high-tech society. Here are some ways to address that:

1. Fashion and Status Symbol: The NeuraWeave headband could be a designer accessory, a way to showcase wealth and social status. It might be crafted from exotic materials, adorned with precious jewels, or boast a sleek, minimalist design that complements the latest high-fashion trends. The neural implant itself might be hidden, with the headband acting as the visible expression of advanced technology.
2. Enhanced Functionality: While the neural implant offers basic functionality, the NeuraWeave headband could provide a more refined and user-friendly experience. It might offer haptic feedback for better interaction with AI assistants, improved noise cancellation for clearer communication, or even subtle brainwave stimulation to enhance focus or relaxation.
3. Privacy and Security: While the neural implant offers convenience, it might also raise privacy concerns. The NeuraWeave headband could act as a buffer between the implant and external systems, offering a layer of security and allowing users to selectively control the flow of information.
4. Social Etiquette: In a world where everyone has a neural implant, the NeuraWeave headband could become a social etiquette tool. Wearing the headband could signify that the user is open to receiving communication or interacting with AI assistants, while taking it off might indicate a desire for privacy or focused work.
5. Limited Functionality Implants: Not everyone might have access to top-of-the-line neural implants. The NeuraWeave headband could bridge the gap, offering basic functionality for those with older or more limited implants. It could essentially act as an affordable "upgrade" to boost existing technology.

Ultimately, the NeuraWeave headband exists in a world where technology is both essential and aspirational. It goes beyond mere functionality, becoming a way to express personal style, control privacy, and navigate the complex social landscape of a high-tech society.

Now the same, but low-class, available for masses, mass produced.

1. Syn-Flex Headband (Mass-Produced Version): This utilitarian headband is made from a cheap, conductive material that creates a weak neural link. It allows basic interaction with public AI kiosks, like ordering rations or accessing public transportation schedules. The headband's design is simple and utilitarian, often coming in a single, industrial gray color. Hidden Feature: While basic functionality is advertised, the Syn-Flex headband might subtly collect anonymized user data on purchasing habits and travel patterns, potentially used for targeted advertising in public spaces.
2. AirBubble Personal Filter: This bulky, wearable air filter system is a lifeline for those living in the polluted lower districts. It's a mass-produced device with a replaceable filter cartridge and a noisy fan system. While not exactly comfortable, it provides a basic level of air filtration, allowing wearers to breathe a little easier. Hidden Feature: The AirBubble filters might contain embedded tracking chips, subtly logging user location data, potentially used for targeted pollution control measures (or in some cases, manipulation of government reports on air quality).
3. Repli-Wear Clothing Kits: These kits contain pre-cut fabric swatches and basic instructions for creating clothes at home. They're designed to be cheap and adaptable, offering a variety of mix-and-match options to create basic garments. Hidden Feature: The Repli-Wear fabric might contain embedded tracking tags, allowing for identification and potential social credit deductions for those caught wearing "unlicensed" clothing styles.
4. Holo-Chef Lite Projector: This cheap projector displays holographic images of basic recipes and cooking techniques. It lacks the interactivity of the high-end version, but allows users to follow along with simple meals prepared with readily available rations. Hidden Feature: The Holo-Chef Lite projector might subtly promote specific brands of low-quality, processed food rations, potentially influencing dietary choices towards companies that sponsor these devices.
5. Second-Hand Cybernetic Enhancements: These are refurbished or salvaged cybernetic limbs, often clunky and lacking the finesse of luxury models. They offer basic functionality like increased strength or rudimentary prosthetics, but come with the risk of malfunction or compatibility issues. Hidden Feature: Second-Hand Cybernetic Enhancements might contain hidden spyware or tracking devices installed by previous owners, potentially monitoring the wearer's activities or even sabotaging their cybernetic limbs in extreme cases.

These low-class consumer products offer a glimpse into the harsh realities of a high-tech, low-life society. They are cheap, functional, and often come with hidden drawbacks that further disadvantage the underclass.

How bad air quality would be in such setting?

The air quality in a high-tech, low-life society would be catastrophic. Here's a breakdown of the potential problems:

1. Industrial Pollution:

• Unchecked Emissions: Factories prioritizing profit over environmental regulations would pump out unchecked pollutants like sulfur dioxide, nitrogen oxides, and particulate matter (PM).
• Obsolete Technology: Outdated manufacturing processes would be less efficient, leading to higher levels of waste and pollution.

1. Waste Management Issues:

• Mountains of E-waste: Rapid technological advancements would lead to mountains of discarded electronics, many containing toxic materials that leach into the environment.
• Open Burning: Incapable of proper waste disposal, some residents might resort to open burning of trash, releasing harmful toxins and carcinogens into the air.

1. Energy Production:

• Reliance on Fossil Fuels: Expensive renewable energy sources might be neglected in favor of cheaper, dirtier fossil fuels like coal, further worsening air quality.
• Power Grid Instability: A crumbling infrastructure could lead to power outages and reliance on backup generators, adding to the air pollution.

1. Climate Change Effects:

• Heat Island Effect: Densely packed concrete jungles with minimal green spaces would trap heat, contributing to rising temperatures and increased smog formation.
• Acid Rain: The combination of industrial emissions and rising temperatures could lead to acid rain, damaging buildings and vegetation, further hindering air purification.

Living Conditions:

• Constant Smog: A thick haze of smog would likely hang over the city, reducing visibility and causing respiratory problems for residents.
• Limited Outdoor Activities: Air quality would be so bad that spending time outdoors would be hazardous, impacting physical and mental health.
• Dependence on Filtration Systems: Those who can afford them might rely on personal air filters or sealed living spaces, further dividing the classes.

The severity of the air quality would vary depending on the specific setting. Some areas might be industrial wastelands, while others might be slightly better off. However, the overall picture is bleak – this is a society choking on its own technological advancement and disregard for the environment.

Sketch some repli-wear "unlicensed" clothing styles.

Repli-Wear: Unlicensed Clothing Trends

1. The Salvaged Chic:

• Description: A mishmash of salvaged materials and repurposed clothing scraps. Think mismatched patterns, patches from old uniforms, and belts fashioned from recycled tech cables.
• Inspiration: High-society's sleek, minimalist aesthetic, reinterpreted with resourcefulness and rebellion.
• Risks: May attract unwanted attention from authorities who see it as a symbol of dissent.

1. The Glitched-Out Glamour:

• Description: Clothing adorned with intentionally malfunctioning LED lights, flickering pixels, and distorted logos from popular high-end brands.
• Inspiration: A mockery of the high-society's obsession with luxury and technology.
• Risks: May malfunction and cause minor electrical shocks, attracting suspicion from security systems.

1. The Bio-Hazard Chic:

• Description: Clothing dyed with bioluminescent algae or adorned with filtered gas masks and repurposed medical equipment.
• Inspiration: A dark reflection of the polluted environment and a commentary on the societal disregard for health.
• Risks: Bioluminescent algae might attract unwanted attention, especially in the dark.

1. The Cyber-Tribal:

• Description: Clothing incorporating salvaged wires, circuit boards, and other discarded tech components. Think of cybernetic motifs hand-stitched onto worn leather jackets or tribal patterns formed from glowing wires.
• Inspiration: A mashup of traditional craftsmanship and defiance against the dominance of high-tech aesthetics.
• Risks: Might be mistaken for makeshift weapons or attempts to bypass security systems.

1. The Corporate Spy:

• Description: Subtly subverted versions of high-society uniforms. Imagine slightly ripped blazers with mismatched buttons, or high-collared shirts with the logos subtly altered to resemble protest symbols.
• Inspiration: A subtle rebellion against the corporate elite, blending in while making a statement.
• Risks: Might attract suspicion from authorities if the alterations are too obvious.

These are just a few ideas for Repli-Wear styles. Clothing in a high-tech, low-life society would be a way for the underclass to express their individuality, defiance, and limited resources, all while navigating the dangers of a controlling society.

Sketch some repli-wear "licensed" clothing styles, that do not pose any risk for wearers from any concerned sides.

Repli-Wear: Licensed Clothing Trends (Safe Zone)

1. The Vintage Throwback:

• Description: Replicas of historical clothing styles, like classic trench coats, denim jackets, or even floral dresses from a bygone era. Think of vintage fashion filtered through a futuristic lens, with subtle metallic accents or holographic embellishments.
• Appeal: Offers a nostalgic escape from the harsh realities of the present.
• Safety: Historical styles are unlikely to raise suspicion from authorities.

1. The Minimalist Worker:

• Description: Practical, utilitarian clothing designed for maximum comfort and durability. Think of well-made jumpsuits in neutral tones, with reinforced knees and pockets for tools.
• Appeal: Perfect for everyday wear in the lower districts, offering functionality and a clean aesthetic.
• Safety: Promotes a sense of productivity and avoids any controversial symbols.

1. The Nature Enthusiast:

• Description: Clothing with nature-inspired patterns and muted earth tones. Think of shirts with forest camouflage or jackets with subtle leaf prints.
• Appeal: Offers a sense of connection to the natural world, a stark contrast to the polluted cityscape.
• Safety: Nature motifs are unlikely to be seen as a threat by authorities.

1. The Sports Fanatic (Limited Edition):

• Description: Replicas of historical sports jerseys or team logos from a bygone era. Could also feature faded logos of defunct corporations, offering a sense of playful nostalgia.
• Appeal: Allows for a limited display of individuality and team spirit.
• Safety: Historical or defunct logos are unlikely to pose a threat, as long as the license is valid.

1. The Kid's Corner:

• Description: Replicas of popular cartoon characters or children's book illustrations, brightly colored and playful.
• Appeal: Offers a sense of innocence and escapism for children in a harsh environment.
• Safety: Popular children's characters are pre-approved and unlikely to be seen as a threat.

Now the opposite: some high-end high-society high clothing styles.

High-Society Haute Couture in a High-Tech, Low-Life World:

1. Bio-Luminescent Elegance:

• Imagine a flowing gown woven from a special bioluminescent material that emits a soft, ethereal glow, adapting to the wearer's mood and movement.
• The dress could be accented with strategically placed gemstones that amplify the bioluminescence, creating a mesmerizing spectacle.

1. Augmented Reality Couture:

• Dresses and suits with intricate embroidery that, when viewed through special AR glasses, come alive with holographic animations, patterns, or even personalized messages.
• This could be used to display family crests, stock market trends, or even live news feeds, all seamlessly integrated into the clothing.

1. Nanotech Tailoring:

• Clothing that self-adjusts to the wearer's body temperature and preferences. The fabric could be woven with microscopic nanobots that regulate temperature, repel dust, or even release a subtle, personalized fragrance.
• This would offer a level of comfort and personalization that pushes the boundaries of traditional haute couture.

1. Recycled Luxury:

• High-society wouldn't be complete without a touch of eco-consciousness (or at least the appearance of it). Imagine garments meticulously crafted from recycled materials like discarded computer components or salvaged spaceship parts, transformed into stunning evening wear.
• This "waste-to-wear" approach would showcase wealth and environmental responsibility (or at least the image of it).

1. Cybernetic Accents:

• Subtle cybernetic implants seamlessly integrated into clothing. Imagine a dress with a built-in neural interface that allows the wearer to control personal AI assistants with a simple touch or a suit with temperature-regulating implants woven directly into the fabric.
• These high-tech accents would be a subtle yet sophisticated way to showcase wealth and technological advancement.

Bonus: The "Living" Garment:

• A truly outrageous and exclusive garment – a dress or suit composed of a bio-engineered material that appears to be alive. Imagine clothing that shimmers and pulsates with a faint bioluminescence, seemingly breathing and adapting to the wearer's movements.
• This would be the ultimate status symbol, a conversation starter that pushes the boundaries of fashion and technology into the realm of the fantastical.

GM here, If the game name The Run and the names Roxie (Rockerboy) and Ivan (Solo) mean anything to you as Your Player character names, I swear to Pondsmith ill drop A tactical Smasher on your character's asses if you don't leave now.
Now that that's out of the way, I already know the factions, Maelstrom and RCL, I have a map and spruced it up for that Night City flair, I know what stat blocks I'm going to use for the Mooks. The problem is even with the fact that the Mael side isn't gonna fire on them unless PCs shoot at them first, (Rockerboy PC's Bands Drummer is a well-known and semi-liked Ex-member (Dont ask how that happened haven't figured that out yet) so they have played at Totentanz, and are begrudgingly tolerated(mostly) and are known faces. This is mostly to give the Rockerboy an idea of where their only consistent gig is.) It is a gang fight and I can't just hand this to them, so I want it to be challenging but also not drown them in bodies, again only two players. What's a good number of Mooks and what stats should I use for the folks in charge of each side? The NPC Media is gonna be a little useless but I figured that was implied from the random encounter table description.

I am so damned bored and under stimulated as a SAHP. I have a 1.5 year old, and while I’m grateful to be home with him I am really struggling with the lack of resources for activities. I live in a US Territory and when I search this or other parenting forums for ideas for getting out of the house I come up empty for things we have access to. We don’t have gyms that provide child care, no “mommy and me” classes of any kind, no zoo, no children’s museum, no splash pads or water parks, no indoor play places, no libraries (they closed after the last hurricane and haven’t reopened yet so maybe some day?), no fast food restaurants with play places, no Target or Starbucks, etc. We do have some playgrounds, but they open at 10am and close at 5pm and some days it is legitimately unsafe to allow my kid to play during those peak heat hours (like today, 111-114° heat index and UV index of 11). We do have beaches and pools, but again the UV index and heat can be a real issue. When the weather is safer we do a lot of walks with the dog and going into town and walking around. Sometimes we ride the ferry between the cays just for funsies. I have actively tried to seek out other toddler parents here but it’s a fairly small community and all of the parents I’ve met have elementary school aged kids. When my kid is a little older there are a few more things to do like a movie theatre, bowling alley, and sports clubs but right now he’s too little for those things.
Today I was so desperate to leave the house and do literally anything safely that I put my kid in his stroller and just walked up and down the air conditioned aisles of the grocery store, not even buying anything, until I was afraid I looked like a weirdo and left.
I know there have to be ideas for activities for me to do with my toddler, but I think the boredom/despondency is giving me a total brain block. Would you please share your activity ideas with me?

So I've had my Fiio FD5s for about 2 years now.
I primarily listen at my desk but recently have tried taking them with me on the go as well since i just started a subscription with Tidal. I primarily am using them for media and occasionally games.
Unfortunately I get really bad fatigue from this set. Even with the smaller filters they feel uncomfortable. I was hoping they would feel better as time went on but it hasn't improver.
I like the sound but they just are not comfortable
Can someone recommend some different pairs to try? I'm looking for something that will perform similarly if not better.
Thanks

Tldr : How do you make your players have agency in finding secret doors while still keeping them secret.
Long story : I’ve always been a Pathfinder and D&D5E DM. I just read the old-school Jaquay’s dungeon « Borshak’s lair », one of my first truly old-school adventures, and man there’s a lot of friggin secret doors.
I know the dungeons back then were not run at all like today, and required the players to describe precisely their actions to find stuff and disable traps. And I like this idea, because the concept of gating stuff behind a perception roll seems like a mistake to me.
But it’s never explained how your players are supposed to find them. Is saying « I touch the walls » enough ? Then it’s just « I touch the walls » in every room until either I find a secret door or get my hand eaten by a wall mimic. Sounds kinda boring.
On the other hand, having the DM say « there are marks on the floor next to the wall » will become obvious once they figured out that « marks on the floor = secret door » and now no door in the dungeon is secret anymore.
I feel like it’s an unsolvable problem, because the medium of narration through words is too limited for game mechanics tied to perception. If you had a visual medium, it would be different, but here the DM is the eyes of the players and cannot be neutral.
How do you do it ? For the people who played back then, was there a common practice for that ?

First I want to address the race thing. I am a firm believer that the best person (singing,dancing, acting etc) should be cast for the role unless the race is specifically important for the character. So like Asha doesn’t need to be North African but it is great that she is but Mulan needs to be Chinese. So yes Snow White being white is important to the story, I agree there. But rachel is white technically. She is only 1/4 Colombian (which isn’t a race so she could be considered even more than 3/4ths white) and she is half German (the actual nationality of the origin Snow White). Also the actress playing the evil queen is pretty tan. I’ve seen Rachel and while those recessive genes did a lot of work 😂 she’s not that dark, put a filter and some powder and she’s good to go. Even if she was truly 1/2 indigenous or African Colombian might I remind you that the woman who played Jasmine was not middle eastern, she was half white and half Indian. I love Naomi and she is a good actress and a phenomenal singer but I was sad when they cast her because I feel like Jasmine had a middle eastern (not saying all middle eastern people have a larger nose but it is more common in that ethnic group) nose in a see of princesses who had small noses and she was pretty. That’s important, Naomi doesn’t have that and why should she, she’s not middle eastern. If you get on Rachel get on Naomi (but don’t because they were just cast in the roles).
Next thing I want to talk about is her comment about being scared of Snow White as a kid. A lot of people were scared of Snow White as kids, Disney literally had a ride called Snow White’s scary adventure, and it closed down (probably because it was too scary). My sister was afraid of princess and the frog as a kid because it had a lot of scary elements but she can sing, looks like Tiana, and can act so should she be barred from the role? Idk I feel like that one isn’t that big of a deal for most so let me get to the main thing.
Her saying that this Snow White won’t be saved by a man. Watch it again her costar says the same thing. Most of the directors and cast members say the same thing about their live action remakes and most of the time they are wrong, see Mulan. Rachel is a young girl, she was given things to say about the movie and she said them. I don’t like the fake pop feminism that Disney has been doing over the years either but I’m not going to single out one girl who has been saying the same thing as the whole company.
Lastly on a positive note THAT GIRL CAN SING, and she’s not too shabby at acting either. If you seen her in the hunger games prequel and in west side story you’d know. She has probably the best singing voice of the live action Princess crew under Halle and next to Brandi and Naomi. We’ve also seen in west side story that she can hit the high notes and the operatic sound that is required for Snow White. Plus she’s had roles as the happy teenager who sees the positive of life and excels in that. The person y’all should be worried about is the evil queen because, beautiful model, but that woman can’t out act a toddler.
So we can disagree and all but I just wanted to give a defense because I do feel like she’s gotten a lot of hate.

You never know the pull of a small town until you trade your entire life to live in one.
Dazzling city lights made way for grassy fields blanketed in soft sunsets, local papers filled with names I knew by heart. When the honeyed hair of the local florist came out in patches due to the stresses of life, sixty people brought steaming bowls of food to ease the ache. A singular church brought the townsfolk together, and perhaps that was the most foreign part of it all to me.
I was a kid, so I watched the entire thing unfold through the innocent lens of child, keenly watching the camaraderie of this town really peak outside the doors of that church. It didn’t look like much, a steepled dream imagined by the townsfolk of before, but it meant everything to the people. I even understood that back then, even though I didn’t quite buy the concept of a god yet.
The Sundays were a monotonous part of our week, only pedalled by my parents who desperately wanted to fit in with the town’s culture. They wore their masks well, nodding in the right places as we sat in the same pew every time, my father often discreetly checking the football scores in the sleeve of his jumper. Nothing ever happened in that tiny town, and then everything happened all at once.
It started with the miracles. Our pastor, Pastor Jon, liked to have the troubled souls of that week sitting in the front row so he could clutch their shaking hands one by one, channelling the energy of God through him in the hope that someday, hope could be brought to those lacking in it. It was a brief affair, usually just the joining of skin and a short prayer, but that Sunday was different. Rain hammered against the roof, leaving Pastor Jon’s prayers lost in the low, threatening rumble of thunder.
It meant when the sun shone through the clouds and caressed the face of a pained Wilson Brewster, it already felt a welcome intrusion.
“May your broken leg heal quickly,” Pastor Jon smiled warmly, steeling a hand on the calf of the waiting boy.
He, like me, was just a child. He didn’t feel the urgency of the situation, he was probably only grateful his throbbing leg wasn’t pulsating with pain anymore. He breathed a quiet ‘cool’ and that would have been that, had his parents not asked exactly what was cool about his leg being touched later that night. The news spread like wildfire - as per the medical centre, his parents said, Wilson Brewster no longer had a broken fibula.
There was some debate, of course. My parents mumbled in the kitchen about how clearly he’d never had a broken leg, and how odd to make him hobble around in a cast if that was the case. The sentiment was echoed tenfold, until something a little more tangible happened that changed the course of that town, and our lives, forever.
Pastor Jon didn’t mean for the glass to shatter in his hand during service, nor did he mean for a chunk of it to embed itself in his palm, gushing reams of blood racing down his arm in a bid for the floor.
“Gross!” one of the kids shouted with glee, the rest of us paling as crimson spilled from his wound. He was a deer in the headlights, utterly unprepared as we all looked on in awe. This was not how church usually went - this was quite the deviation. Several people stood to help, but they needn’t have bothered, because the divine was ready to intervene.
“Oh dear,” Pastor Jon muttered in a panic, using his bloodied hand to block the intense ray of sunlight threatening to stream through the glass into his eyes. It bathed the blood in a golden glow, and quicker than it had gone in, the chunk of glass began to slide from the wound till it smashed to the floor, exploding into a million pieces. That was not the crescendo, though, rather it was the sight of his skin tightening and knitting together - months of work in a moment - blood congealing and leaving behind nothing but memories of a wound.
“Pastor?” Mary-who-makes-the-blueberry-pies breathed, reaching out to touch him with bulging eyes. Pastor Jon could only open and close his mouth uselessly, his voice barely coming out in a whisper when he did finally speak.
“It’s a miracle,” he wheezed, and by all accounts, I suppose it seemed it was.
I was young, but I remember the bustle - the town was as I’d never seen it. The people of the church had vowed to keep it our little secret because, as Pastor Jon said, we had been given a gift and it was not appropriate to turn it into a spectacle. This gift was sporadic, though. People queued through the double doors of that church, sobbing and praying for their own slice of God, but few were to be given it. Little Laurie Lee and her dislocated jaw cleared up within the hour. Farmer Noel had a sudden epiphany about what the lottery numbers were to be.
Our town was blessed.
For two days, we marvelled. The rest of the world can have a piece later, we reasoned, but this was for us, just for now.
The church was fuller than it had ever been, people spilling out into the back and waiting with baited breath, snippets of conversations could be heard, and as they had been for the last two days, they all echoed one another.
“-a believer. I mean, Aunt Lillian said it was the light. The light closed up his wound, there and then!”
“-jaw. I saw her get hit with the cricket bat! Terrible thing, little lamb was inconsolable. And then next thing I know, she comes here and those shards are just welded back together again! Well, I told Janie-”
“-need to make the church bigger. Look at everyone! If only-”
So when Pastor Jon stood before us practically trembling with glee, it was hardly the weirdest thing that had happened all week. His voice was thick with emotion, eyes darting manically around our congregation.
“I have a message,” he breathed, and the crowd gasped at the connotation of it. I remember my father swearing, a low rumble of expletives I didn’t usually hear falling from his lips. I didn’t fully understand what this meant, but the atmosphere in that room morphed in a heartbeat.
“Tell us,” Christie Baker cried, hands clasped as tears welled in her eyes, “Oh, please tell us!”
Pastor Jon visibly shook, holding a trembling hand outstretched as if to reach us all. “He came to me last night,” a single tear raced past his cheek and made a home on his lip, “He spoke to me.”
“Praise God!” a man cried from next to me, and I shuffled closer to my father at the sudden burst of noise.
“It is… Him,” Pastor Jon uttered in a blissful exhale, sending the room bursting into chaos. Tears, cheers and prayers filled the space, but my father just clutched me tighter and my stomach churned uncomfortably. It took at least ten minutes for the room to quieten, but when it did, he had their rapt attention. “I am told that I will be His vessel. I will pass on what must be passed. We are not to spread the word, yet - only our pocket of civilization is ready. Only ours.”
You could replicate what happened a thousand times, and somebody would mess it up, sending a message of the divine to their great aunt in Auckland. But not us. That secret stayed within the confines of our town for the sixteen days hell shined upwards at us. Everybody had a thousand questions, but Pastor Jon only hushed us. “You must trust me,” he said, tone more regal than I’d ever heard it. And trust him the people did.
So on the second day when he returned to church and his eyes were dark-rimmed, nobody questioned it. He was chosen. Who knows what that does to a person’s sleep cycle? The following day when he went for his morning walk and the smile didn’t quite reach his hollow eyes, that was fine. He was a vessel, not a performer. And then that morning at church when he addressed us and kept rubbing the angry red welts on his wrists, who were we to ask questions of God’s messenger?
Nothing went terribly wrong until the baptisms. We all wanted to be part of this - even my anxious parents who signed me up to be bathed in holy water - and so we queued towards the front of the church, eager to hand ourselves over. I was second in line, right behind Mrs Awkins who had been the school nurse for the last 26 years, apparently. She was gleeful as Pastor Jon set up, speaking rhymes I barely listened to as I bounced on the balls of my feet, eager to go next. My stomach flipped at the words, knowing that my turn was only seconds away. People wouldn’t usually queue, but this was different. It was all different, now.
“I baptize you in the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.”
I didn’t expect the awful fizzing noise the liquid made as it hit Nurse Awkins’ head, nor did I expect the guttural wail that fell from her lips as she clawed at her own scalp. Smoke billowed up from her disappearing tresses and as I was yanked backwards, I caught a glimpse of her exposed skull. Most people will go their entire lives without the smell of burning flesh lingering in their nostrils, but not me.
“I- No! That wasn’t- oh!” Pastor Jon had cried, tired eyes bulging out of his head as people leapt to their feet to assist.
It was carnage, but not carnage I witnessed for long. My mother’s grip on my arm was vice-like, her eyes swimming with terror I know still plagues her to this day. I recall my father on the walk home, murmuring to my mother in low tones I wasn’t meant to hear.
“This isn’t right, Rach’. Jesus, did you see her? That was almost our son!”
My mum’s voice was shrill, the sound of her heels clacking against the pavement not quite masking her voice. “The police will be called - we don’t even know if she’ll survive! I think I’m going to throw up.”
But she was wrong on both counts. She didn’t throw up and the police weren’t called, because we rallied together. This was bigger than us and bigger than Mrs Awkins. Sure, nobody else tried to get baptised, but this was a blip. People surmised that the almighty didn’t want her as part of his flock, that she hadn’t been a believer when it mattered. Nobody was to utter a word about it, and because church was every morning now, my parents were almost too scared not to go. As a child, I didn’t understand it, but all these years later, I think I’d have bent to the fear of the almighty as well.
But it wasn’t the almighty who knocked on the door.
It became all the clearer that morning when Pastor Jon turned up with eyes so sunken and empty that we startled at his presence.
“Pastor.. Pastor, are you feeling alright?” one of our neighbours fussed, “Will you be okay for service?”
Pastor Jon didn’t answer. It was almost as though he didn’t hear her as he dragged his feet up to the front, turning so slowly towards us that it almost felt eerie. A large, jagged and bloodied cut spanned the entire back of his neck, disappearing behind him as he eyed us all, one by one.
“He’s here,” he murmured, words that on paper, should have sent the entire church reeling with joy. But you could hear a pin drop. You could hear any soul whisper in the large room, and yet his utterance only caused goosebumps to spread across my skin as a sort of icy stillness washed over me.
“He’s… here?” a woman in the front row asked, and Pastor Jon took too long to answer. An unnatural, slow smile spread across his face as he tilted his head towards the source of the noise. He didn’t respond, instead slowly lifting his hand to his lips, letting his finger linger there for a moment. When nobody spoke, he let his mouth fall open and began to chew loudly on the finger, drawing gasps from the crowd.
“Don’t look,” my mother shimmied closer to me and lifted a trembling hand to my eyes, but I could see through the cracks in her fingers. Pastor Jon continued to sloppily chew his finger, eventually snapping his head up and inhaling sharply as he spat blood out of his mouth.
“Your bodies are so fragile,” he sneered, lifting his dripping finger to the skies, causing several people to leap from their seats and make a bolt for it. My mother was one of them, and with horror, I watched as the Pastor’s eyes scanned the room and locked onto mine, tilting his head. “Stay,” he hissed with bared, bloody teeth, and we did. Not through choice, but rather, a sickening whoosh of air that skimmed past our faces and forced us all back down.
“What’s going on?” someone shrieked, but we weren’t to know, not really.
Pastor Jon only smiled blissfully, reaching his arms outwards as if to accept us. “I’ve come to bless you all,” he whispered mockingly, fingers outstretched as the sun hit the stained glass to the left of him. But it was all wrong. Sunshine streamed in and as it hit the red of a decorated sunrise, an image which had been there years before us, the colour changed. It was only moments until the church had the appearance of being bathed in blood, shimmering red bouncing off every surface to create the illusion we were all swimming in hell.
Nobody spoke.
Those who didn’t quite make it to the doors stood frozen; we who remained in our seats cowered in the heaviest kind of fear. Red drowned us and we clutched one another, eyeing Pastor Jon as though he were a wild animal. Finally, someone dared speak.
“Where is God?” he murmured, eyes swimming. Pastor Jon’s neck snapped towards him as he licked the blood from his finger, shuddering. When he spoke, his words were cold, distant. As though they were from somewhere else entirely.
“He hasn’t been around for a while.”
There was no time for his words to punch at my stomach, because in no time at all Pastor Jon was crumpled on the floor, wailing as he regarded his chewed, bloody finger. The bone was exposed and yet nobody helped him as he looked at us pleadingly, too many eyes on him as his whimpers turned to whispers. When he spoke, we listened.
“You need to keep coming to church,” he breathed, a single, bloody tear trickling down his cheek, “It will be worse if we don’t.”
So we did.
The Sunday Fair was cancelled, and pies that had been baked to share in sunny gardens went stale and grew mould. People packed duffel bags and made for their cars, arguing fiercely with those who decided to stay. My mother and father disagreed, but their argument was far more muted.
“Please, we have to go,” my father pleaded, shaking his head as I watched from the shadows, “Listen, I don’t know what the fuck that was-”
“I can’t explain it,” her voice was shaken, quiet, “But I know it will be worse if we go. I know it. Please just trust me. Trust Jon.”
So as my father always did, he believed in my mother. Each day in church was torturous, everyone sitting rigid with fear as Pastor Jon read slowly and shakily from the bible, bruises littering his gaunt body. When the holy book in his hands would launch into flames, he’d calmly drop it into the bucket of water he’d prepared and retrieve a new one. One time, every window in the church smashed and we all winced, ducking to avoid the onslaught of glass.
Darkness watched us.
We all felt it, and I know it visited members of the flock in the shadows. I was plagued by it one particularly torturous night as I lay in bed, blanketed in darkness with the covers pulled up to my chin. I hadn’t been able to shake the feeling I was being stared upon, squeezing my eyes shut as laboured, wet breaths left my body. But they weren’t my breaths.
I’d realised it straight away, that my hurried gasps for air didn’t match the gargling, strangled heaving that echoed around my head. From under the covers, I didn’t know much, but I knew one thing - the uncomfortable, heavy presence laying on my legs was my only source of comfort. Through all this, I reasoned, that if my beloved dog was with me, hell itself couldn’t come and claim me.
But I was wrong, because outside, my dog howled into the night.
Terror like that wasn’t something I’d felt before, and as my stomach bottomed out, I stopped breathing altogether. It must have sensed my fear, because those gargling breaths heaved closer and closer to my face as it dragged itself up my body, inch by inch. The smell of rot and ash burned into my nostrils, a horrific weight settling above my nose as my lungs started working again, so quickly that I would surely die then and there. If it had a face, it was twisted and pressed into mine, the thin bedcover my only source of protection.
But I couldn’t scream. I couldn’t move, so I let it pant gravelly air into my face, let it lay on top of me for hour after hour, till the birdsong indicated morning had come. All night I sobbed stifled cries, chest shaking as I squeezed my eyes shut and felt it pressing into me. Felt it hating me, felt it wanting to rip its claws into my stomach and pull out my intestines. But it didn’t. And when I awoke late the next morning - I must have passed out through fear alone - it was gone.
The rest is all a bit of a trauma-soaked blur, to be honest. I know my parents couldn’t understand why I wasn’t speaking the next day, why I barely reacted when evil finally descended that morning at church. The rest of the townsfolk screamed for their lives, ran as fast as they could, but I just stared with a hollow, broken gaze. As the rivers of blood waterfalled down between the pews, I watched Pastor Jon’s eyes grow dark as midnight, empty and soulless as he bellowed inside those four walls and called upon something worse than any of us could likely ever imagine.
I recall the fire starting, remember Pastor Jon’s slack jaw as he regarded us all so horribly, moving jaggedly towards my family with a growing demonic, gleeful grin.
“I remember you from last night,” he’d uttered darkly, but his voice came out in a thousand jarring layers and I could see hell in his eyes.
“Leave us alone!” my father tried to shield us, lifting a crucifix and wielding it towards Pastor Jon as though it would protect us. He simply laughed, an awful noise of horrific dissonance that I still sometimes hear alone in my bed at night. In complete horror, my parents could only watch as this thing wrenched the crucifix from my father’s hand, grinning as his jaw split and shattered each second he opened it impossibly wider. The sound of his bones cracking reverberated as his skin split and his mouth gaped, wide enough to drop the crucifix right into his waiting, blood-soaked mouth and swallow it, right in front of us.
When he met our gaze, his broken jaw hung limply from his face, sad morsels of skin stitching a once-good man together. Whatever blur those hours were, that, I remember.
It was an anti-climax, really, because while I expected him to descend upon us all and rip us into thousands of pieces, he simply boomed his words, jaw still hanging as his evil spoke directly into our souls.
“When I return in 20 years, it is not just your small town that will bleed.”
Pastor Jon has been missing for 20 years. I’m not sure when he started his countdown, but I awoke this morning with a dread so sickening that I’ve barely stopped emptying my stomach. If it’s over and the earth turns to rubble, I hope somebody finds this and can at least piece together why it all came to a sad, premature end. We townsfolk kept our vow of quiet for this long, but there comes a point when silence is deadly.
I think today, Pastor Jon will be found.

Why you shouldn't think about "how" to get "there" and rather go directly to the end
I had an epiphany while I was astral projecting.. all my manifestations so far have only happened because of "logical" reasons.
Let me think of my "biggest" (there's no such thing as a big or small manifestation it's all the same) manifestations the past few months, I manifested $200 but I was thinking "oh it makes sense that I manifested this money because there was a refund from my school". Another example, I wanted a controller to play games, I got an Xbox controller "oh it makes sense that I got this Xbox controller because it doesn't connect to my brother's PC but it does for mine so I have it". The common underlying condition I imposed on myself for these manifestations is that I was trying to explain "how" I got them through "logic". This is very limiting because, you are god, you create your own reality... So why TF do you need to be constrained by a made up concept in the first place. Logic is made up, if you want to be constrained by it then by all means go ahead but the point is don't be hung over by the "hows" and if your manifestation is "logical" the moment you decide to have something you have it, that's it, there is no process there is no "I get it by blah blah blah". But I am NOT saying that you shouldn't script scenarios or whatnot, if that works for you then do it, just don't be hung up over the miniscule details and try to be constrained over "logic".
how does this relate to reality shifting?
Well if you are constrained by logic you might be focusing on "how" you are going to reach your destination. Thinking like "well I am going to do this method and I am going to feel these symptoms and then I am going to blah blah blah and then I am going to arrive at my destination". ????? You aren't "going" anywhere, once you decide you are somewhere you are already there tf. Constraining yourself saying you will have to go through specific steps and reach specific checkpoints and only then you will "reach your destination". Do I need to remind you that you are god? God doesn't get stuck over the details of "how" and get stuck over the "logic" and details of how they are going to reality shift, they just do it because the moment they decide, they are there. (If you are using a method use it to align yourself to your intended reality self not to go there). You are LIMITLESS why is a limitless being putting countless limits on themselves! Let go of the manmade concept of logic and go directly to the end.

My best friends and I are in a group chat together. This morning, one complemented my best friend (I know it is gonna sound weird how much I talk about him so we’re basically more than friends less than lovers. We have a really close bond and plan to move in together after college. Kind of like a lavender marriage thing, which again I know is strange) on a linkedin post he made to wrap up the semester. My best friend, who I will call Jermaine, finished junior year with a 3.5 GPA and his junior thesis and is doing an REU this summer. All great things. My other friends are doing similarly. In honors societies, all these accomplishments, etc.
I scrolled on linkedin for about an hour and I, kid you not, had to leave to throw up. I got so stressed I barfed. I’m still full body sweating just thinking about it and I’ve had multiple panic attacks.
You might think, hey, why are you getting so worked up? It’s just a stupid app. But it’s because I am realizing how hilariously inadequate I am to my friends. I have a 2.5 GPA, no hobbies or extracurriculars, nothing to be proud of at the end of this semester other than the fact that I didn’t end up offing myself thanks to my best friend saving me from that. Even that I couldn’t do myself. He had to bail me out of it.
I know I’m dragging them down. I have OCD and it’s like a fucking ticking time bomb in my brain saying how much of a joke I am. They all say if I just try harder and apply myself in my classes I will be just as good as them, if not moreso. I am a computer science major and the reason I did so horribly this semester was being unmedicated, and only after I was medicated I improved, but the damage was already done.
If I don’t do well in my summer classes I’m definitely screwed. That is the only thing I am doing this summer. All my friends are doing cool things and they DESERVE to but i’m stuck at home trying to not fucking flunk out of college. I used to have a 3.9 GPA in high school, honors everything. Now I’m a fucking failure who gets lucky to even get a C.
My friends say that I’m special in my own way. Jermaine tells me constantly that he’s not the type of person to not want to be friends with someone based on what they have or haven’t accomplished because he doesn’t care, and that he likes me for who I am, fuck up or not.
But constantly seeing my friends do all these cool things while I’m goddamn loser who has no hobbies except being with them and every time my friends are gone I freak out because I’m so socially anxious is humiliating. I look on linkedin and it feels like everyone is doing well but me. They say it’s not too late to post something but what the fuck do I even post? “Hey guys, working hard in my summer classes so I don’t flunk out of college even though I came close to doing so multiple times and should probably just end it all instead of holding onto the stupid pinterest quotes that say ‘your life is valuable!’” Yeah right.
I like art. I haven’t touched a sketchbook in years despite Jermaine saying I should because he knows it makes me happy. Video games and anime calm me down, but I haven’t even hooked up my PC that I saved up a year for. Because all I can do is sit here and panic all day, without end. I’ve started to think I like being miserable because I have the opportunity to bring myself out of this shit and I don’t because there’s no point. Why would I try to draw something if 10 other people probably drew something better in the last hour? Jermaine says I should work towards the goals I used to have. I wanted to move to Japan because I was learning Japanese all throughout high school, but I feel like that’s pointless with the lack of skills I have now and the way I can’t be apart from my friends.
It’s awful. I feel like it would be a better option to end it all than to even fucking try at this point.

Hi, folks!
I've thought about joining for a bit of time and I've finally got around to do so. Sorry for my english just in case - might get rough at some points.
I've been struggling with depression for... now nearly half of my life. Sometimes it was stable, sometimes worse, sometimes absolutely terrible. I've started gaining weight some time before finishing high school and then really took off after leaving the family house. I've quickly learned that "bad food makes happy" and I went overboard with it, kilogram after kilogram.
Over the years, I've tried to lose weight many times - always with a lot of hope, always with cutting something out (food I liked, snacks etc.) and exercising. Never managed to actually stick to it - at some point I always let myself take a day off, 2 days off and hey - I was back where I started... and getting worse, fatter, heavier. Mental health dropping, s***idal thoughts creeping in time and time again.
Around the end of 2022 and first half of 2023 I was at the lowest point of my life up to that point. And I thought "it's now or never", but also "hey, how about we just stop trying? Let's just eat shitty food until it kills us - at least we can die happy, since we don't have enought courage to actively take our life away". So it continued, even though I had all the reasons to give it a go - once again, no amount of hope, no amount of logic, no amount of seeing myself as a blob of fat helped get me moving.
I'm sure it's gonna sound cheesy, but it's not going to be what you think, I swear. Around the second half of 2023 I've fallen in love. Badly. For the first time in years. It progressed, as I was getting fatter and fatter, more reluctant to leave my apartment even for the most basic needs. Thing is - it was and is somebody completely out of my reach and somebody I'm not even allowed to think about this way, you know.
And this year, I broke. Remember taht "lowest point" from 2023? I got to an even lower one around the last week of April. To the point, where there was just no escape from intrusive thoughts - no way to ignore my problems. Suddenly TV shows and games stopped working. Social media stopped working. Shitty food stopped working - I was suddenly cut away from what always helped me take the edge off and escape.
And one day, a few weeks ago, it got to the point where I couldn't live. Literally couldn't. I was becoming obsessed with how strongly I feel about somebody and how much I'd have liked to just stop, since those thoughts were hurting me in the long run. And I don't know - out of sheer desperation maybe - I've started to train one day. Some pushups with terrible form, some crunches, situps and a stationary bike. And hey, wtf - it helped me a bit. I've found that "little happiness", normally supplied by food in something that never gave me any (no exercies were pleasant in any way ever for me).
I kept doing this and I'm still doing this. Every single day for 3 weeks now. I'm noting the progress, trying to break my own records, visualizing good things. I'm still mad in some unwanted, not needed, not deserved at least love, but when it's getting really bad, exercises help me get myself together.
It's weird to me, it's scary. Well, life is, always was. But there's some hope, just a little, tiny bit. I've even made a bucket list, even though I never believed in stuff like that. Even went back to doing new things - like new shows at least, not only stupid social media or reaction videos. A way ahead of me - if I can even make it - is terribly long. And along the way - who is to say, if one day exercies stop saving my head? I mean, fastfood stopped at some point, right?
I'm not really sure what my point is, it's all a mess, guys. I just... want to get myself a bit stronger, a bit tougher. Getting my life a bit better, my psyche too, my body and condition. And I kinda feel like I need to, because my own emotions are going to be the death of my one day. I guess I'm a bit scared to be hopeful. And I'm terrified of learning about the person I love getting further away from me too. Because I believe, the way I am now - still undisciplined, still depressed, still unstable - I can't survive learning that this person gets married, becomes a parent or just builds a future with someone. I'm ashamed of that and yet this is what I feel amid my current good streak.
I will be checking my weight tomorrow - for the first time since I've started exercising. I hope there's even the tiniest good change. And I hope to regain the will to live. And to stop fantasizing about people who're too above me.
Thank you for reading this, whoever you are. I hope you're getting there - wherever you're trying to get.

I am 24 F and I am going to be honest and real. I have wasted two years of my life rotting away in my room and smoking weed. I have always been a hard-working person but I was so burnt out from my childhood and teenage years, that I quite literally had a breakdown and shut down completely. I went into a mental health crisis and need help. I got help and am still receiving help today through a therapist and thankfully my parents have let me move back in. I know that I needed a good year to just go to therapy and genuinely rest and mind, body, and soul, but somewhere along the one-year mark, I started to smoke weed again. It started fine but it got worse and worse and now I can't even function without smoking.
I overheard my parents talking about me and saying that they didn't know what to do and that they found some of my weed carts in my room. I am 24 so I feel that it's not any of their concerns whether I smoke or not, and I think they know that too, but I think they are more concerned with how I haven't made any progress within those two years. Again, I needed one of those years to go to therapy and rest, but that doesn't make up for this whole year where I have been waking up, smoking weed, going downstairs and hangout, then going back up to my room and either watch YouTube or play video games.
My goals are: -finish high school -get into medical program -apply for said medical job I have been taking online courses to finish my high school diploma and I just need to finish these three courses so I can apply for the medical program I want to get into. I just feel that I have to somehow get it done within a ridiculously short amount of time, to make up for all those times when I was rotting away and doing nothing. My parents are not easy to talk to about these kinds of things as they just react. Their reactions have always been blown out of proportion and they use shaming as a way to 'motivate' me. This over time, has caused me to fear ever having these types of conversations with them. I was always in trouble, even when I was struggling, I was always shamed and punished somehow.
I see my therapist on Thursday but I just have this crippling anxiety that is literally eating away at me from the inside. I fear that my parents are going to confront me and the confrontation with be one of shame and embarrassment. I see it on my mom's face that she wants to ask me about what I have been doing but we both know that conversation will not go over well. I have been studying again and trying to finish my courses but I still feel loopy and groggy from smoking weed every day. I haven't smoked anything today but I feel like shit and I know I am having reactions or symptoms of withdrawal.
I just fear that I am going going to get shamed and not receive any help or guidance so I don't tell anyone. But this has caught up with me in the end and now I am drowning in those decisions I made.

I'm an accounting student, and need a new laptop for school because mine has all but completely died on me; it can't run without being plugged in, and sometimes it doesn't want to turn on for a while after it gets shut down.
Apple is a hard no, both because I like the flexibility to mix and match systems instead of having to buy into Apple's ecosystem, plus I have to use Microsoft Office for schoolwork, which Apple doesn't play well with. My last two laptops have been Dell and I've had issues with them, so I don't want another one of those either, at least not right away.
I'm leaning towards a Lenovo just to mix things up a bit, but I'm willing to hear other suggestions on brands and models that I can look into getting customized.
Laptop Questionnaire

• Total budget (in local currency) and country of purchase. Please do not use USD unless purchasing in the US: Upper end is $2000CAD, looking to keep it more in the $1000-1500 range if I can.
• Are you open to refurbs/used? No. I'm going to be buying custom-made from the manufacturer.
• How would you prioritize form factor (ultrabook, 2-in-1, etc.), build quality, performance, and battery life? Battery life and performance are my top priorities. I don't want to spend all day tied to an outlet, and I don't want to wait forever for it to process anything.
• How important is weight and thinness to you? It would be nice for aesthetics, but it's not a requirement. At most, it might be the determining factor if all else is equal.
• Do you have a preferred screen size? If indifferent, put N/A. 15.6" or more. I want a numpad, as I will be typing lots of numbers and numpads make that easier.
• Are you doing any CAD/video editing/photo editing/gaming? List which programs/games you desire to run. I might run a handful of games that aren't particularly resource intensive (Stardew Valley, Prison Architect, Rimworld, etc.), but those are just when I have time to kill and nothing else to do--I have a desktop setup that I can play games on.
• If you're gaming, do you have certain games you want to play? At what settings and FPS do you want? N/A
• Any specific requirements such as good keyboard, reliable build quality, touch-screen, finger-print reader, optical drive or good input devices (keyboard/touchpad)? Touch screen, numpad, backlit keyboard.
• Leave any finishing thoughts here that you may feel are necessary and beneficial to the discussion. Personally, I would prefer to avoid biometric security measures and a webcam if possible. If I can't avoid a webcam, then it has to have a built-in cover.

You ma'am were my everything, from the moment I first saw you walking to my tow truck. I was in aww of you in that moment I was so hooked I can't explain it in any other way. I just needed to get to know the real you. Looking back I wish I could have slowed everything down a lot because we moved so fast. Opened the door for you and got you up into the truck. At first she was impressed I even would do that for her. She said it made her feel special and no one had ever done that for her. As I walked back to my door to get in time for me started to slow as I thought about a million things at once I was so drawn to her wanted everything for her and me to be amazing and guys, it really was great from my seat. She's absolutely gorgeous, sweet yet she's a pretty bad ass chick though. She's into heavy metal and rock over anything. She's my only ginger I've ever dated in my life. She's so beautiful, selfless when she knows u need something she is the first one to get it for you and she's an amazing cook, So incredibly sexy, and no matter what she broken and all was the only woman that I ever bought a real ring for wherever would and that red hair gets me now every time I find one around in my truck or my house. She loves to play with it as her nervous habit I used to say she was marking her territory jokingly but I loved watching her do it I love watching her play with it It was awesome to just be able to look over at her and see her sitting there was the greatest feeling in my life next to having my children and watching them be born. Seeing her smile was the most amazing thing I'd ever seen in my life That's what I lived for I lived for being silly with her and joking around and just having a good fucking time and spending that time with her no matter how much it was. I loved it always. Even when we fought I didn't ever stop loving her I did never stop caring about her obviously I was in it for us. Call me a wuss whatever you want I don't care I honestly have a thing with other people's hair it grosses me out when it is off the body so I'd have these piles of hair is have to immediately get out of the floor of my work truck when id open it for her to get her out of the truck lol it grossed me out but I didn't really care it was more funny that she was nervous cus we were so chill together. I quickly fell for this girl front the start and she was exactly what I said in the title. She's always going to be my blue little sundress passenger seat princess, the only women I've ever actually seen, planned, or dreamed of a future with and I've had longer relationship with kids even. But she has two sweet little girls that are amazing as well and I have become attatched to them as well throughout this 3 years. Especially because when her and I first met and went on our date I knew already that she was a mom of two but I hadn't met either one of them yet. Days after she was still with me and we spent every waking moment together in that truck. And we had a great time It just felt right. After that weekend was over we went to pick up her 3-month-old daughter. We had to go to the next town over and get her from her dad's house. As I got this little girl up into my truck put her car seat in the back of the tow truck I did what any normal person would do when meeting a baby for the first time. Started talking to her just to see her reaction to me. She was so sweet and so damn cute. She smiled so beautifully and was just so amazing it brought back all the memories for me having my kids. And that one really just cemented in the fact that I wanted to do this so much for my girl and I and for these kids cuz they were amazing. I spent my days just working away. Most the time with her by my side. There was times where yes we were not together 100% there's things she had to go do. Which was fine That's what we needed some time apart to miss each other cuz we did spend a lot of time together but honestly As long as we were there in my truck we were amazing together just hanging out while I was working spending time together and she said she loved watching me work. She loved how manly I smelled after and during a days work. Everything was great. So before her and I met I was always working and keeping to myself just trying to focus on myself but I lived in a hotel. So since her and I got hooked up together, we lived in my hotel which was not bad at all it was a fairly big hotel that offered reduced rates for long extended stays and they offered me a corporate discount. So it was fairly inexpensive as far as paying for the place but it was still extremely expensive compared to renting someplace. But it was by my own money because she had no income no job that I paid for everything. Literally everything. So as I worked 7 days a week and worked from time outta bed in the morning until well after midnight. I had no time to find our own place for cheaper living to start new direction for us. So she started searching for our own place to rent. Let's say we got distracted from that because of this damn drama that seemed to always be happening with her life. I'd always listen to what was going on with her and try to help. It's what I do in my everyday life I jump out of a truck when people are at their worst and it makes me feel a sense of joy because I get to get out of the damn truck like Superman get over to them and calm their life down a little bit slow it down for them when they're in their worst moments of the day and just take that weight off their shoulders. I get that fulfillment for my life that joy and it drives me to keep going That's the only reason I push through my days. I lived for it, soon after meeting her she became a big part of that meaning for me so much so I never even realized that it would end up costing me my career because I just couldn't do it anymore getting in that truck And as I open the door I see her there in the passenger seat with a flooded memory that comes rushing in and I get happy really quick like it's all real again and as soon as I sit down take my guys off that seat I look back over when it close the door cuz I'd always smile back at her when I got in the truck and she's not there and it breaks my heart every single time I experienced this so imagine getting in and out of that truck every day all day long and having to do that. I've been such an emotional wreck now that I literally had to go to my boss and quit my job because I couldn't safely do it and this was the job ladies and gentlemen that I prayed for at the end of our relationship I wasn't working hadn't been working for a few months because I just found out that I got cancer in my throat. So I got depressed I didn't know how to tell her my mom anybody being only 37 years old that I'm not going to be here that long Not as long as I thought so it started to destroy me and by this time in our relationship two and a half years in we had had several moves several little breakups but we'd always come back together and we always seemed great afterwards but then it always seemed like something would come up or she would lie or do something that I didn't like or that I wasn't approving of and every time I tried to talk to her about it she would just blow up at me and yeah there was lots of red flags I missed her out of a relationship I wish I could have done so many things different but stress and being what it is and everything you know I let my emotions get the best of me I let my my everything get the best of me every single time because as soon as she starts yelling it makes me louder and I just don't see anybody giving me that kind of a disrespectful stance especially when I'm trying to be calm I'm trying to just talk to them about it and then they blow up and makes me want to blow up right back So yeah my mistake but are honestly feel like it was just to cause me to do that so she could break up or we can break up and she can run away for a couple days and go get what she needed somewhere else and then come right back. That's what I feel like now. Don't know if it was all lie from delusional or what but everything I've read on here it all speaks to me so much that I honestly I really feel like I was lied to the entire time I was made to believe something that was never true This girl told me she loved me like 3 months in and I honestly felt it before that but I really think it was all just a facade now for her We found each other and we were broken pieces everywhere we started putting our lives together picking everything up putting ourselves back together and we felt more complete than anything is the way I saw our lives up until a year and a half into it though it was for me even with the little small breakups and stuff it was amazing It wouldn't trade it for the world soon as I found out I had cancer though guys It broke me I wasn't working I wasn't doing anything for myself and yeah that I regret I regret not just telling her right away because looking back now it may have helped but I doubt she would even cared She probably would have broke up with me then is how I feel now. But I never told her until almost 3 weeks after we broke up. The 17th of this month was my birthday my 38th birthday The day after is her 3-year-olds 3-year birthday. Which I didn't get to go to even though that little girl calls me dada loves me like there's no tomorrow and I love that little girl so so much she was like she was my daughter shortly after I found out I had cancer I was taking care of that little girl not working but taking care of her all day everyday for months in my house with her living here and my girlfriend living here while she worked. Then she's sitting here telling me griping at me that I need to get back working by about she can't be the only one working but then if I did that we wouldn't had a babysitter We would have nowhere for "Our daughter" She always insisted when I would say her daughter because she has a lot of hateful feelings towards her baby daddy. The other thing I forgot to mention is the fact that about 2 years into our relationship she went through a pretty major surgery for herself No one was there for her except for me I sat with her through the whole thing waited for her at the hospital I waited on her hand and foot at my place of living She laid in my bed took care of her gave her everything she needed and would do it again in a heartbeat The point is that I was there stood by her side took care of her in every way I needed to every way I could. In the first part of our relationship all the way through I'd say the first half She was always constantly wondering if I had eaten today or if I needed food or if I wanted her to cook me anything or I mean would she selflessly would do every single time she was happy to do it She loved doing it She loved being at the hotel and me coming home to a cooked meal how she would do it in her bra and underwear because just for shits and giggles you know She was the most sexually appetizing person I've been in with in my entire life number one and from day one of our relationship I never saw any other female on this planet My eyes never strayed not once they only saw her She was my everything. Fellas tell me when you fell in love If you ever felt the same because I know for me there was another woman on this planet that could ever even have compared to my woman she was so sexy so incredibly just mesmerizing for me and having her in my arms I felt complete I felt like a man I felt like I would move to heaven and earth for this woman and I was trying doing everything I could and it always just seemed like our little stupid spats and our bickering was so much more to her than it was to me because she would always end up leaving and going to her sisters. Her sister was and is so incredibly damaging for her mental state that I'm surprised that this woman has not killed herself yet She has no movement in her own life she's a stay-at-home girlfriend for her boyfriend of 16 15 16 years something like that and she is about a cow about 300 lb heifer that has always been jealous of anything the little sister gets that makes her happy that makes her have a better life than what big sister has then big sister has to sit there and destroy little sisters mental state just to bring her back down so she can feel good about her own self So anytime she ever went back there that's exactly what happened Big sister would just tear her down and break her down and it's just sick and that's where I think first mistake for us ever went was allowing her to move in there because as soon as she did seem like everything started going downhill and that's when I started finding things out about how much she was actually lying to me about stupid silly little things because her brother in-law and sister would talk to her about our relationship at night when they're all home together or whenever and they'd be giving her advice when these two are alcoholics they will not ever get married even though they've been together forever but this is just to not lose social security crap it's ridiculous there's a real fear of commitment between the two and a lot of damage between the two and it just fed right into my woman's head and I'm really truly believe it loud it her to be severely poisoned cuz she started turning into a completely different person but yet I still loved her like the day I first met her I still looked at her exactly the same I still do to this day even though she won't have anything to do with me for whatever reason I don't know I never got a reason but after everything we've been through I honestly felt like every time she made me promise never to leave her every time she made me the promise that she would never leave me no matter what blah blah blah I feel like it was all just a game to her now and a game to her family because my woman was the child that was traded off when things got too stressful for Mom she was the kid that was sent to the hospital to you know being the mental ward because it was just too tough for Mom to cope with having two kids and being as destroyed of a person as she is So of course that's led to a lot of emotional damages for my woman and for that entire family It's led to alcoholism and the other side of the family with her sister and her mom being best friends they hang out all day long and it's about the worst family situation you could think of but sadly she will still choose her family over anybody at the end of the day even though they don't choose her like that It breaks my heart to watch honestly the best thing she could do is cut them off from her life but there is a lot of times that she needed them there because she had no other option is what she felt instead of when we fought going there honestly alsoever wanted her to do is just calm down and instead of leaving stay here choose me over that bullshit fight choose me over the fucking nonsense of everything because at the end of the day none of it mattered to me I always forgave her for everything not because I wanted to be the doormat or because I allowed myself to be the doormat but because when I grew up I grew up in a Christian family That's what we do if we fight we work shit through I may not be the best Christian in the world but I know the values that I have in my family were not the same as hers they traded her off when times got tough they never showed her unconditional love so she doesn't even know how to unconditionally love her own children and it's really sad cuz honestly to this day I feel like that little girl would choose me over her own mother and that breaks my heart for her. I realize I've been rambling on for a while now but this one really doesn't sit right with me guys I've never had any issues with any breakup since this one and I know the mental state she was in when she made it and made this choice but the way she did it just recently after having promised her yet again and her promising me that we would never leave each other and to always fight for the relationship. She comes over about a 3 weeks ago we have sex been seen each other in a few days few days prior to that we went and took "our daughter" to her dentist appointment she had to be knocked out at and did great through who'd she want afterwards after she woke up me Not her mom just me to comfort her. So being the dad that I am of course I did that I gave her the comfort she needed we had a great day together but it was short-lived. My girl's been in such a bad spot mentally but she refused to talk to me about it I could never get her to open up and yes I did a lot of things wrong because I was always trying to fix her or trying to help her through it is how I see it She saw it as me trying to fix her and she said I don't need to be fixed. But I know I didn't see it that way and that may have been my mistake because she wasn't looking for advice or whatever on how to try to help her through it but she just wanted somebody to listen to her which I did I can repeat everything she's ever told me about an issue word for word I can almost predict in my head I can sit there and say okay what's she going to say. And then I can literally as she's saying it out loud I can pretty well determine already know what she's going to say while listening though just to make sure I don't miss anything It ends up being the same thing every time and it's always all about her family's issues and things going on between them. It's been this way for the last year and a half probably since she moved in there now just before this breakup she had been for a couple months looking for place for us to go cuz I want out of where I'm at now and she obviously wanted out of there and so she was supposedly looking for it for a place to go That was ours because I got a new job I sat here and prayed for a new job that I had applied for and they just weren't moving fast enough or something I guess because like 4 days before she broke up with me they called and I started working I was so happy I got back in that truck I was doing it for her for us for me for those girls everything was going the way I had invisioned it going. Then like I said two days go by she came over spend some time together We had a little quickie and then we went to her appointment with the psych doctor couple days later she breaks up with me This is how I wake up the next morning after being at work all night long in my tow truck to a text message and I'm blocked on everything every single social media outlet every everything that we had together online I'm just blocked. Knowing the mental state she was in I was like what the hell is going on now I got a short text message that said something like I can't do this anymore This is after going through her girl parts being taken out being with her the entire time waiting on her hand and foot this is after saving her daughter because her drunk ass sister drove home from their mothers house while watching the like 5-month-old baby at the time and ran the car into the fucking house in the middle of the night and we were both working shoot while she was watching her That's why she was watching her So of course I get a phone call she can't leave work and she's freaking out because her daughter was just in the car that just slammed into the house and did thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars worth of damage So what happens This guy goes and rescues the child and keeps the child with him the entire rest of my work night until mom gets off work there's lots of reasons that this woman has loved me completely and tried so hard and there's lots of reasons why I've loved her as completely as I could and tried so hard and tried getting back on track now I used her in those kids and myself to get me back to a point where I could even start to function again after finding out I had cancer and not knowing how to tell her or anybody and what hurts the most is the fact that she just gave up and just blindsided me with all of this if I feel like and it kills me but this is what I had to do because of her putting all her walls up and just stonewalling me with everything and knowing the fact that even on her Facebook she chose to not put family photos of us for up there but to put every other photo of that entire time together on there even ones that she had taken separately with just her and her girls making it look like nobody else was there the entire time She just failed to include the you know few pictures she took all of us. Which are now deleted off her phone obviously cuz she deleted everything of us together She always does that She always does it just deletes them because she never had any good memories as a child so she has an inability to just keep that stuff because it's painful to her now for some reason even if it was a happy memory She doesn't like those happy memories cuz those are painful that they're not going to happen anymore so she just erases everything and gets rid of it because it's easier for her while I'm not that type of person I'm a sentimental person I keep everything So of course when she goes gets her mind off track whatever I start to be sweet and send her you know our pictures together and things because I know she's already done deleted them which gets her nine times out of 10 and gets her right back to where she needs to be and realizing that I'm there for her that I I want her I choose her and I choose to do this together well not this time She completely stonewalled me wouldn't even respond to me for days and it was literally out of the blue So I'm freaking out because I'm thinking she's going to go hurt herself which she's tried to do a few times and she just reapped on all her medication the last time she tried to hurt herself that's what had happened She took all of her medication and thank God nothing happened but now she had you know six new bottles of pills which would have done it so I was scared for her life honestly. So I was literally just freaking out day after day night after night and all while having to work at night now with this new job in the truck that I was freaking out because I couldn't see her in my passenger seat anymore and then I was seeing her and then I was worrying about her and I was concentrating more on her than I was even able to do my job like I said I had to give it up even though I sat there and prayed for her prayed for myself to pray to get the job and it was literally a blessing because they created the position for me they didn't need to fill a position they created it for me I've been doing this job for well over 10 years of my career and I'm damn good at it Just not right now and so for the last month after everything that I found out everything that it's been said This is what I had to do guys and I I can't regret it I can't feel any type of way about it but I've been pushing and pushing and pushing on purpose because I know she's not coming back no matter what That's the way she feels but once I stop trying to fight for the relationship to fight for her and fight for those kids I know she's going to start to feel the feelings of losing me and it's going to start getting into her head so I knew if I stopped talking to her that's what would happen and she would try to slide right back into my life a month later whenever however it would happen she would come back eventually and I'm not going to be in a new place in my life where I would allow her to do that I can't So what I did was I pushed on purpose not only because she made me promise to do it but because I knew it's what needed to happen because I needed my mental state to be better and it's not right now I'm a wreck right now because of this woman because of losing this woman cuz I honestly felt like she's the one person on this planet that I would never let go. So my life is just turned into a fucking wreck on a wreck on a wreck because of her vindictive nature her mean-spirited bullshit when she gets mad She doesn't not have a filter so she uses her daughter against me how's it feel no that you'll never see "her daughter" ever again trying to dig into my heart and just cause more pain This is the type of stuff she would say to me That would just break me down to nothing. I've literally been in tears since the breakup and before that because I I think I kind of knew it was coming but I was just so depressed that I couldn't do anything I would cry every night even a month before we were broken up I would cry every night just cuz I missed her I missed her being next to me but that was her own fault that was her own doing She lied put words in my roommate's mouth that were never there and she couldn't apologize She could not be an adult and apologize to him and then it would have been fine She would have been a loud back at the house She would been able to come see me but she just is not the adult that I thought she was or that she used to be before when we first got together and and I don't understand what happened I can't see where it all just went so terribly wrong except for her moving in with her family. It has been the greatest experience of my life loving this woman but at the same time in the end it has been so destructive so I had to make sure that she would never come back So for the last month I've been pestering her coming at her yelling at her calling her all these names in the book and just destroying anything she ever had for me because I won't let her back into my life I can't cuz I know if I do it will be the death of me so I'm choosing me over the love of my life. The woman that I have lived for for this past three fucking years of my life given everything to worked my ass off so I could fucking just keep going the next day to provide what I could for us as a family mind you have paid for everything every waking moment for the first year and a half of our lives because she didn't have a job She didn't work so I paid for everything and that's everything we needed for the baby as well. That couldn't get bought with food stamps. Literally drained every bit of funds that I had saved up everything Just took me for a rollercoaster ride through hell but I chose me I choose me now And hopefully the apartment that she was finding for us the one that she supposedly went to Once she supposedly is at now I hope her I wish her all the best but I had to sit here and destroy any chances of ever being with the woman that I still to this day want because I know she comes back crawling back I knew that I would take her back in a heartbeat and I just can't do it so I had to get it done and over with for me for her for everybody because I won't be hurt like that I won't be disrespected like that I won't be turned into a monster because she tears me down with her hateful little remarks and digs into my heart that are totally unnecessary when I'm being everything I can try to be and be sweet for her She literally anytime I would try to be sweet would turn it into something it's not telling me I'm manipulating her telling me I'm doing this I'm doing that well okay so that's what I'll do That's what I thought and that's exactly what I did If I'm the monster let me know cuz I feel like it honestly but I know it's for the best. To my little blue sundress princess, the love of my life I'm Sorry I had to do what I did sweetheart I'll always love you no matter what babe Just can't have you walk back into my life and and destroy everything that I build from here on out because I'll end up killing myself and I don't want that to happen so this is goodbye even though I know you'll never read this. Just know that I see you everywhere in every place I go there's memories that fled back to me everyday that are amazing or that are bad or that are just that their memories they will fade eventually hopefully but for now they are still too real for me to just forget like seems like you want to do by going out there and supposedly live in your best life faking it just to make it for the rest of the world being that strong independent woman with that attitude exactly even though I know you're sad inside I know you just buried those feelings All the love you had for me and you're lying to yourself but that's on you now I tried I really really tried to get you to understand that that's where we were headed was the life we wanted so sorry I asked you to choose me and love me for me instead of love me for what I had or didn't have. I'm sorry I needed to do this or even felt like I needed to do this cuz I will always love you no matter what, But now my life is going to be for me and for me only for its remainder because you gave up the fight and I ended it.

I have an older HP laptop with a GeForce MX450 mobile GPU. The game runs pretty good at high settings with FSR 1.0 at Quality mode. I'm getting ~25 - 30FPS most of the time and everything is running pretty smoothly EXCEPT when I jump from Jita to Perimeter, or approach Jita gate in Perimeter. When I'm near Jita gate in Perimeter my GPU, CPU, FANs, everything goes up to 150%, game starts flickering, everything starts to unload and load again around me and then the game goes crazy (or crashes), I see graphical glitches, camera goes hundreds of km off my ship, I can no longer see anyone in the system (the overview is empty, there is nobody and nothing there), and funny stuff like this. I even got an error message that Windows is deliberately blocking EVE access to graphics card. I do not have this issue anywhere else. Only thing that helps is to set the Shader Quality to Low, which I really don't want to.
Do you guys know what's destroying my GPU near Jita gate in Perimeter? And maybe also how can I fix it?
PS: Yes, I have all my drivers and system are 100% up-to-date.