Why is ex boyfriend jealous

Wish I had broken up with my husband (30M) when I ( 25F) first met him 4 years ago. He led me on and kept sleeping with me while he secretly met with and was trying to decide what to do about the last girl he saw who found out she was pregnant. Can’t handle hearing her name ever or the word ab***tion. Why did I keep dating him after I found out? He was trying to decide if he should marry her.
We continued to date because I’m an idiot. And he wouldn’t stop following girls he slept with on social. He likes their selfies and messages them a lot. He got upset that I asked him to stop and remove them..:many times. I had moved into his house and he made me leave for a week because I asked him again to stop talking to this younger girl he slept with. I went to my parents for a week and found out he had been on tinder. I know he matched someone, but I don’t know if he cheated on me. I moved back in.
I eventually blocked the girl myself. He still has girls he dated on there and the girl he got pregnant on social too. He calls me insecure and to get over it. I feel like he made me insecure by talking to them and getting on tinder. I always wonder if he wanted her back instead of me. So many times he has declined to sleep with me and it makes me embarrassed and upset.
Fast forward and I’m pregnant. He maybe touches me ten times that year. He told me he didn’t really feel good about me during that time and I have no idea why. I feel so ugly and unsupported. He barely helps with the baby and I had PPD. He was complaining about me doing so badly to others. Apparently he needs to sleep after working 8 hours but I need to get up every hour every night to help our baby and all day long. I guess it’s safe for me to feel like I’m too tired to hold the baby but not safe for him to go to work tired.
He wanted to get married. We have a rushed wedding and he won’t let me change anything because he already mentioned possible dates to his dad. His dad picked our wedding date. His mom designed the wedding. I couldn’t go dress shopping or design my cake. I have hair growing out and a postpartum body. I can’t even look at my wedding photos. I feel like my special moment was taken from me. He wouldn’t let me change anything because he told family already and invited them. He also never got on one knee for me. Which all girls dream of. But he had an ex fiancé who he took to the beach and got on one knee for. For me he sat next to me on the first day I had morning sickness. I am jealous I am angry. I feel like he will never love me as much. She devastated him. I haven’t even known him half as long as she did.
He sounds horrible but he says very lovely things to me. He scratches my back for a long time and cooks what I want for dinner. I do not really feel comfortable talking to him about these things though. He gets very worked out and upset and calls me names…he is a good person I think though.
What do I do? Did I mess up my life? Should I get us relationship counseling? I don’t feel any peace. I feel he puts other girls feelings before mine. I feel too old and ugly and full of baggage to start over and I’m not sure I could handle someone else’s past either. I couldn’t handle another woman raising my girl.
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TLDR: husband has past flings on social and won’t remove them. His pregnancy when he met me. Wouldn’t stop talking to ex and was on tinder. What should I do?

I still feel it so much. Today is one of those days where I do miss them. I know I was childish and immature in a lot of ways and I wonder if I pushed them away...if they got tired of me. They once told me about how they used to have a crush on their friend while they were with their ex. Idk it made me feel so bad they are/we're still friends with them. Then that friend joked with them asking them to get on top of them the second time I met them. They just kept like joking flirting in front of me. It felt bad? Idk I was so jealous after that but I felt like I was bad too and being crazy??
I'm also like immature and I get mad easily and I remember them asking my mom once if I was just always like that and angry all the time. It made me feel so bad when my mom told me that later on because I felt like they were upset with me but never talked to me about it....
They would even get joke with my mom and it was like put down jokes?? It hurt idk I can't remember much of what they said just that they would be laughing and joking but I was like part of that joke.
Part of me is like was I that bad and terrible maybe I was and they do deserve better and I can't give them that. I miss them and like they did somethings that were bad but so did I but I feel like the best thing is letting them go.
I do miss the good times though like the hugs and laughing and cooking dinner together. I miss their joking and being happy but idk. I just needed to vent because I can't get over it and I think it's just annoying everyone around me.
I don't get why I want to stay with them and keep working on things to make them better even though I know it is probably bad for both of us.
I just want to let go but I can't...I feel heartbroken and yeah idk. I wish they missed me without me messaging them and I wish I didn't feel like an afterthought but maybe it's my fault.

I’m sorry if this is long but I’m really confused as to why I got ghosted and wanted to add as much detail to hopefully give the full picture.
I (19f) just recently went through a break up. My boyfriend of what I consider 10 months (he says 4 bc we never had the official talk but that’s another story) called me a week after the summer started and dumped me. After a couple weeks of crying and listening to the same five songs on repeat I went out with some friends. They convinced me to find a rebound but I told them I wasn’t down to sleep around this summer but I don’t want anything official. They said to try and find someone who wants something similar. I wasn’t sure if I could actually find someone who is down to be monogamous with sex yet free to talk to whoever else. I feel like most men want to be able to sleep with someone if they are putting in the effort to flirt with them. Anyways so I put up a tinder profile and started getting matches and voila I was back in the dating pool. I matched with a guy we’ll call Z (23M). We texted on tinder I got his number we sent pictures of our IDs and everything was great. There was a lot of flirting on his end especially with the nicknames. When we facetime called we got along great but the conversation didn’t flow exactly. At times it felt kinda forced but I chalked it up to nervs. During the call I asked him what he was looking for and I was surprised to hear him describe almost exactly what I was looking for. The next day we set up a date and met at a museum. Again we got along great and everything seemed to be going well. He was 10x more attractive in person. I was so nervous but played it cool, I hope. However at time the convo dragged and it was hard to find things to talked about. It felt like in person we didn’t click like we did over the phone. I was kind of getting worried thinking that maybe he didn’t find me as attractive in person but he would say little things during the date that definitely made it seem like he was into me. He saw another girl glaring and staring at me and he said it looked like she was jealous. Later we walked past the same girl and she intentionally got in my face as we walked past. I was like “bro wtf did you see that” and he responded with something along the lines of “dude I know but she can be jealous I’m yours” I was liked damn okay type shit I really got it like that. Then we went back to his car and I’m not exactly proud of this but he was parked in a pretty secluded area. And of course it was a tinder date so I’m sure you can all imagine what happened next. After we left we hit of a DQ and ate the ice cream in the car and drove home vibing to music and holding hands. I’ll admit for someone who talks a lot we really didn’t converse that much. However I really liked him and felt like there was so much to get to know about him. I know I don’t want anything serious right now but Z seemed like the perfect guy to have a fling with. He dropped me off home and texted me that night with
Made it home a lil bit ago. Thank you for tonight. It was cool getting out fr and meeting you in person. I fw your energy fr😌 I’m about to head to bed though so goodnight. Sleep well🌌🙂
I said goodnight and the following morning he texted me good morning and we talked for a bit throughout the day. Everything up to this point seemed like it was going great. He had even made comments about packing a bag and staying a weekend with me while I was at school (he made this comment during our ft and our date multiple times). Then 6pm rolls around and he stopped responding. I text him at 9pm and ask about his day and nothing. Then I texted him again today at 12pm and nothing.
Honestly I’m really confused. I really thought we were hitting it off but apparently not? I just don’t know what happened and I really don’t want it to happen again. I took this as a sign to take more time to myself before getting back out there. If anyone has any ideas as to what this could be about I’m ready to hear anything.

ahh i loved it.
apparently s2 is coming in july so yay.
my thoughts
-im not sure if jean pauls feelings for simone were genuine or hes just possessive and doesnt want her with anyone else.

• it wouldve been nice to get more moments of them together and see him genuinly falling for her; he seems kinda dismissive of her and it seems he just wanted sex
  
• i like mr bellanger (uncle ) storyline and his romance with ms couret
  
• wonder if school nurse is going to divorce mr bellanger once things get more serious with him and his gf
  
• is she bi? like does she have feelings for him is that why she looked at them that way in the end when ms couret and bellanger are dancing
  
• maybe im weird but the romance i was least invested in was the one between michele and alain
  

-idk like they are cute but i wasnt as emotionally invested as the other ones. i find simone and bellangers storyline more interesting

• so was arrick playing with pochins feelings? did she have a crush on farm boy
  
• why would she go out of her way to say that michel wasnt serious about farm boy unless she was jealous
  
• ms couret ex husband is red flags all over
  
• michels brother is hot
  
• ok im done now
  

(i might me getting names wrong im bad with names)

Hi!
My boyfriend (28) of 7 months is the best partner I could ask for. He is smart, funny, respectful, loving, and so much more. I am deeply in love with him and we have a wonderful relationship overall. We don't usually argue but when we do is about jealousy. Now, we don't argue using insults, raising our voices, or screaming at each other, but we shut down which eventually ruins part of the day. I will take responsibility and say that I am the one who gets jealous. There is a big reason (it's still not justifiable) why I am reaping insecurity and it is because one of his best friends keeps provoking a reaction from me in a joking manner. For example, he always jokes around that my boyfriend is with someone else. His best friend also brings my boyfriend's long-term ex up from time to time (which my boyfriend still follows on social media) and eventually says that I am better than her. The latter part is a compliment but I feel uncomfortable that his best friend brings her name up. Not long ago, I told my boyfriend that his speaking about his ex (which was on a rare basis) made me uncomfortable and he validated my feelings. My boyfriend hasn't seen much of what his best friend says but I've told him and he assures me that the behavior is unacceptable and that he loves me.
We also had a karaoke party yesterday in which I got angry with my boyfriend because after singing a breakup song, he commented, "for you, mean woman!" I left the room which people did notice and spoke to him outside but my mood completely changed. He told me that it was just something they say when they hear breakup songs. I love him and want this to work out, but I'm afraid I'm the bad one in the relationship. I have taken the first step to improve my best version and that is to go to therapy.

The episode resumed on a shot of Zee and Jo, their skin tones back to normal, running up to a smiling Chris. "Welcome back," he told the camera. "Zee and helper Jo are the first to arrive here, at the world's largest mud puddle!" The camera pulled back, revealing that the trio was standing near the edge of a large lake of burbling mud, a measuring stick rising out of it at the nearest edge.
"It's eight feet deep," Chris explained over a close-up of the measuring stick showing the mud reaching up very nearly to the 8' mark, "and 200 yards across. And," the camera quick-panned to the far right side of the 'puddle', "since it's too thick to swim through," the shot cut back to the couple and Chris, "the only way to the other side is with one of you piggybacking the other."
"Umm...," Zee said hesitantly, sharing a wary look with Jo, "doesn't that mean the person on the bottom..."
"Will drown?" Chris finished. "Yes."
"What?!" Jo said in wide-eyed shock.
"Unless they use this garden hose!" Chris added, a light chime playing as he held up a length of green hose.
Zee let out a breath. "Okay then. Guess I'm on the bottom, then."
Jo's eyes widened a bit in a brief bit of surprise, and she looked at her partner. "I should be objecting to this since I'm supposed to be the helper, but hey. No heavy lifting from me."
"Yeah…" Zee agreed half heartedly.
Confessional: Zee
"I was able to hold Jo onto my back while we were skiing," Zee told the confessional. "I can still do the same while under mud."
Confessional Ends
"I know that I said you were weak in the past," Jo said, "but that was until I saw that you were able to make it this far in the game."
"You thought wrong about me," Zee replied. "I wasn’t active at first in challenges and finding food, but with Julia eliminated, I was able to grow and become a finalist."
Chris suddenly stepped between the two. "How touching. Now start the challenge."
The scene cut to Zee and Jo jumping into the mud, the former disappearing below its depths while the latter, on his shoulders, held up the length of the hose. They started moving forward, and the camera panned back to the left to show Harold, Scarlett, and Chris holding up another length of hose.
"Yeah, I'll be on top," Harold stated.
"Pardon me?" Scarlett countered, raising an eyebrow.
"I don't trust you not to let me drown," Harold told her. "Self-preservation comes first."
Scarlett groaned. "That's fair," she said, taking the hose from Chris, "but if you let me suffocate, I'm dragging you down into the mud with me."
"Crustal," Harold deadpanned, and as Scarlett crouched down, she jumped onto the brainiac's shoulders. Scarlett stood back up and put the end of the hose in her mouth, and she jumped into the mud.
The tense music faded away as the camera moved onto Chris, the host sighing as Chef walked up. "You think the mud was a bad idea?" Chris asked. "It's a little quiet… oh yeah," Chris said as if in sudden realization, "almost forgot about the Peanut Gallery. Bring 'em back in!" he said into a walkie talkie he only then pulled out.
Moments later, the wind kicked up around them, and the camera zoomed out to show the large helicopter flying in with the former contestants still hanging – and screaming as they swayed ominously – below it. "Would you let us down already?!" Leshawna shouted angrily. "It's freezin' up here!"
"Yeah, I want to cheer for Zee!" Julia chimed in.
"If I wasn't tied up right now, I'd have half a mind to pound you!" Duncan shouted at the host.
The camera focused on DJ. "Hey, Chris?" he looked forward and asked loudly. "Just bring us down before anybody else gets miffed at you!"
"No, and I don't care," Chris answered with a calm smile, until Chef whispered to him. A flat note played over a close-up of Chris staring blankly at him. "Huh...good point," he admitted. "Ooh!" he said with a sudden grin. "I just had an idea!"
A flash took the scene to Zee and Jo, the tense challenge music resuming at a low volume and slow pace in the background. They were still slogging through the mud, Zee out of sight but Jo only submerged up to her stomach. She looked back over her shoulder, smiled, then said "Keep going!" into the piece of hose she was holding. "They're way far behind!"
Confessional: Zee
"So as it turns out," Zee said, "being submerged in the mud is kinda like being trapped in the dark. But there aren't any animals below to scare me."
Confessional Ends
The music ramped up as Jo suddenly stopped moving, then seemed to turn around and start moving back towards the start. "Uh, Fruit Loop?" she asked into the hose. "We're going the wrong way!"
The camera cut to Harold, looking somewhat bored as he held the hose atop Scarlett's shoulders, before noticing the other team and frowning. "Why are they coming this way?"
"Ugh! They're too safe to sabotage each other!" came the sudden voice of Chris McLean, the camera cutting to him standing in the show's jeep with Chef at the wheel, speaking into the microphone of the jeep's loudspeaker. "Deploy the 2.0 model!"
The shot cut back to Harold and Jo as they looked around with strange expressions, the sound of something like a rocket taking off coming from somewhere in the distance. They looked up and to the left, and the camera shifted to their viewpoint to show a large object shooting up through the sky overhead...
...then abruptly diving towards them, revealing itself as a red-eyed robotic bear with small jet engines coming out of its back. Harold and Jo screamed as their respective partners continued in their previous directions, getting out of the way as the Bear landed in the mud. It hit with enough force to cause a wave of mud, which shot all the way across the puddle carrying the finalists and their helpers along for the ride. All four immediately began to cough upon landing in a muddy heap.
Confessional: Harold
"At least I have a better shot," Harold said. "We're tied right now, but who knows what other tricks Chris has up his sleeves."
Confessional Ends
A close-up of the nozzle of a fire hose in Chef's hands preceded him blasting the muddy finalists and helpers with water, all four screaming where they'd landed on the shore of the 'puddle'. Moments later, the water was shut off, leaving them drenched but clean.
"We're all tied up," Chris announced with a smile. "Perfect time for a little break. First, let's bring in the Peanut Gallery again." He took out his remote and pointed it at a patch of ground nearby, a hole opening up in it and a rather shoddy-looking set of stadium seats shooting up out of it with the ten former contestants seated – and still tied-up – in it.
"Sha-finally," Lightning said, the shot cutting to him sitting in the top row with B, DJ, Duncan, and Max and Leshawna, Ella, Julia, Sammy, and Amy in the bottom row. "Are we gonna get to watch the rest of the challenge now?"
"Yup!" Chris answered with a happy smile, pressing the button on his remote again so that a large widescreen television emerged from another hole in the ground near him and the finalists.
"Will you untie us too?" Ella chimed in.
Chris huffed. "Whine, whine, whine," he said in annoyance. "Don't I do enough for you kids as it is?"
"No," all fourteen of the season's cast members replied at the same time.
A flat note played over a close-up of the host pursing his lips. "Yeah, I owe Chef twenty bucks about that," Chris said, the camera zooming back out again to show the finalists and helpers. "Everyone, grab a seat," he instructed, and the four reluctantly sat down on the logs lying behind them. "I'm gonna show you some of my favorite clips from the show..." He pointed his remote at the TV, and the shot focused in as it switched on and started to play footage of a confessional...
"Dunderhead was already pretty useless," Jo complained. "But now he's making moves on one of the actually decent players on the team? Not on my watch!"
The camera cut in close to show Jo pausing and looking back. "Something on your mind, Anti-Squeakerbox?" she asked, the camera shifting to show B peering at her and shaking his head.
“It's not what you think it is," Jo told him. "As long as they are on this team, Julia and Zee will not date."
“Not exactly how I wanted the elimination to play, but hey. Julia’s gone and with Zee still in the game, I could manipulate him into doing whatever I say,” Jo grinned.
The footage paused, and Chris leaned out in front of the television with a wide and mischievous grin. "Seems like there isn't a shipper on deck…" he said impishly.
"So you were trying to keep me and Julia apart?" Zee said as the camera moved to him and Jo, his eyes wide with shock. "Does this mean that...,"
"Yup. I convinced Julia to quit," Jo replied. "I didn't expect her to fully go through with it since I was gonna vote you out!"
"I can't believe you'd try and do that!" Zee said with a glare!"
"If I didn't do what I did, then you two likely would've blown challenges for us like the dueling one!" Jo argued back.
The camera focused on Julia in the Peanut Gallery. "I was trying to defend my boyfriend, but sure," she said dryly.
"I'm just worried what Chris is gonna show from Scarlett," Sammy said. "It looks like he wants to mess up the finalists and their helpers..."
"Maybe he won't show anything?" Amy suggested. "I mean, it's not like Scarlett and Harold were that close to begin with."
The shot cut back to a smiling Chris. "Oh, don't worry, I have no intention of leaving those guys out of all this fun," he said happily.
"I don't see how," Scarlett said. "Harold already knows everything about me now. I’m practically an open book."
Chris laughed. "Seems you forgot that the cameras are always on. So here's some more juicy information that everybody gets to hear." The screen on the TV went from static to a scene from the fifth episode.
Scarlett herself grabbed the dueling stick Ella retrieved, fished an electric eel out of the water, and tossed it to Max. "Max!" she cried, and her teammates looked at her in confusion, prompting her to pretend that she had coughed. "Pardon me!"
“The plan was for Max to be the only one not in the trap, so the team would know he built it and vote him off!” Scarlett confessed.
"I overheard Leshawna and Harold's conversation when they were foraging together, and Leshawna being on to me is something that I refuse to let happen," Scarlett claimed. “Zee's really gullible enough to deceive, and I'll try to talk to Ella.”
A deep, dramatic note was struck over a shot of Harold in shock. "So it was you who got Leshawna eliminated!" he scowled in Scarlett's direction.
"I wasn't ready to come out just yet, and between the two of you, you were less likely to warn anyone about me!" Scarlett retorted.
"So all this time, Scarlett was aiming to usurp her master!" Max ranted.
"I don't blame her," Leshawna commented. “As much of a pain as she is, I would've done the same thing and sent your annoying behind home.”
"Okay," Chris said happily as the shot moved onto him, "I'm sensing some major hostility and I'm liking it. I'm out of popcorn, though, so we should probably get back to the challenge."
"Seriously?!" the finalists and helpers alike exclaimed.
"Obviously, the helpers aren't gonna be very helpful anymore," Chris replied. "So, instead of helpers, Jo and Scarlett will now be hinderers." As he spoke, Chef walked back into view with a pair of video game controllers, tossing one each to Scarlett and Jo. "The island is now back online," Chris continued, "and, with these controllers, they will be able to throw up obstacles to throw you down, or, completely crush you."
The shot cut to Scarlett as she looked at her controller and smirked. "Good to know."
"Looking forward to it," Jo said in determination.
Harold and Zee gulped, and Chris laughed. "That was the good part," he said. "Let me tell you the bad part. You have ten minutes to finish this challenge," he told Zee and Harold. "If neither of you do, Scarlett and Jo get to split the money."
"Dude, what?" Zee said in shock.
"You can't do that!" Harold protested.
"I can! I will! I am! GO!" Chris announced, blowing his airhorn right in Chef's face, earning an annoyed sigh from the man. Harold and Zee immediately ran off, but the camera cut to a close-up of a thoughtful Jo.
"Well...I want the money, but I'm not really comfortable with how this is set up," Jo said to herself. "But...I guess it wouldn't be too bad if I just made this a little more challenging for them..."
"Do what you want," Scarlett said, the camera panning over to show her grinning darkly with her controller in hand. "I'm getting my justice."
Confessional: Jo
“And I thought I was an underhanded person,” Jo mentioned to herself. “Velma has less morals than me and Gnome Master.”
Confessional: Scarlett
"I was snubbed in the last episode," Scarlett confessed. "And now that I've been given permission, I can stop the finalists from winning without getting electrocuted!" She pulled out the remote from the seventh episode. "I don't even need this device. I have a controller to do the job for it."
Confessionals End
A few quick drum taps opened up a deep and dangerous challenge theme, the scene returning to Zee and Harold sprinting across the open field only to gape in shock as the pine trees in the background starting launching like rockets.
"What the heck?" Harold said. "Rocket trees?"
One landed right behind them, forcing both finalists to roll forward out of the way. "This island is wild!" Zee cried as the two continued running, more and more trees landing behind them like massive spears.
The two were shown together in a brief close-up, raising their eyebrows in surprise. A quick-pan ahead revealed the landscape changing, trees and rock formations rising up out of the artificial ground to form a large, dense barrier.
Harold jumped ahead of Zee as they climbed over the first big rock formation.
Zee vaulted downward and dashing forward along a lower 'path' among the rocks. Just as he was about to jump down onto grass, however, a boulder shot upward – and he landed on it groin-first. A close-up showed him letting out a high-pitched squeal of pain.
Harold's wince drew the camera's attention back upward to show him leaping from a boulder and grabbing onto the branch of a tree, only for the tree to suddenly shoot back down into the ground – causing him to yell as it dragged him down and slammed him back-first onto a fallen log.
Zee gave him a quick concerned glance as he jumped onto the same log, then upwards onto a rock formation before climbing onward and to the right and out of sight.
The scene cut back to the hinderers, both still working their controllers with Scarlett still looking considerably happier about it. "No need to change what works," Jo said uncertainty.
"What happened to that cutthroat attitude you've been displaying?" Scarlett asked. "Don't throw it away when I can get something out of it. And lower some of those trees. They're giving them too much cover from this storm I'm whipping up."
The camera panned onto the monitor to show Zee and Harold struggling against a powerful wind as they walked through what looked like a dense forest as leaves, dust, branches, and various small woodland animals blew past them.
A focus on the monitor's screen transitioned the scene back to the challenge. "I think...I can see the finish line in the distance," Zee said, pausing for a moment as he struggled against the intense gale.
"They're not making this easy on us," Harold commented.
The pair briefly passed behind a thick and mossy pine tree, the camera zooming in slightly as they reappeared. "Would you?" Zee asked.
"...I guess not," Harold answered after a moment.
The shot cut back to the Peanut Gallery to show them watching with worry and anticipation. "C'mon, Harold," Leshawna spoke. "Just hang in there."
"I know you can win this, Zee," Julia said. "You deserve it after everything."
Then the camera cut back to the hinderers, Chris standing next to their monitor with his hands behind his back and a smile on his face. "Ooh! They're getting close!" he said excitedly, prompting Scarlett to scowl and Jo to frown.
Once more the scene moved back to the finalists, their arms raised to buffer themselves against the winds – snow beginning to fall and lightning beginning to crack in the background - with Harold in the lead. "Two minutes left!" Chris called out over the island's loudspeaker. "Two minutes!"
"I...," Harold said with glee. "I think I can make it!"
"Not if I can help it!" Zee shouted, speeding up as the dense trees around him and Harold began to recede into the ground – and the tense and dangerous challenge music resumed. "If I win, me and Julia can go out and change the world together."
"I have to win this," Harold told him. "I've been undervalued and looked down on by my peers, friends, and even my family. I need to prove my might."
The snowy ground below their feet began to crack. A hollow sound played, then all at once, the ground shot up under them, earning startled yells from both. The shot soon cut to the new peak they were standing on rising up into the sky, then stopping.
"Drats..." Zee muttered, both finalists looking down with wide eyes. his final word echoed as the camera zoomed out, revealing the snowy mountain they were now at the top of.
The Peanut Gallery was shown gasping, as were Jo, though Scarlett was smiling as their misfortune. "Twenty seconds left...!" Chris said as the camera moved on to him looking at his watch.
The shot cut back to Harold. "I guess it's over," he sighed. “Scarlett wins after all.”
Zee noticed a bulge in the snow beside him. The boy shoved his hand into it and pulled out the phone Duncan stole from Chris. "I don't know how this got here, but we have to get down. Start stomping the ground."
Harold nodded and stomped on the ground at his feet, and after a few cracks, Zee hurled the phone down, breaking the device apart. Their eyes widened as the mountain began to crumble under them, and the ground imploded in on itself.
"Six! Five!" Chris began to count off, the music cutting out save for a single plodding note to highlight each number. "Four!" The camera panned onto the television, showing both finalists tumbling through the snow and rock. "Three! Two! One!" The shot cut to the finish banner, then zoomed out to show the avalanche stopping just under it – with neither finalist in sight. "GAME OVER!" he announced, blowing on his airhorn as a subdued but triumphant riff played.
Jo stood up in surprise, and Scarlett started cheering.
"My mission was a success!" Scarlett said in victory. “Now hand over my well-deserved prize!”
"Congratulations Jo and Scarlett," Chris said with his usual smile. "Revenge is sweetest-" he glanced at the monitor- "ohhhhh, what have we here?" he said with a sudden look of shock, the music cutting out as he pointed at the television screen.
A sharp note played as a familiar hand stuck out of the snow lying just past the finish line and waved. Scarlett's jaw dropped in shock, and Jo let out a sigh of relief.
The scene cut to the finish line, the camera pulling back a little ways as Chef walked up with a stretcher, dressed as a female nurse. Leshawna ran onscreen and pushed him out of the way. Chef flew off frame with a shout, and Leshawna grabbed the arm and pulled, freeing a shocked and snowy Harold from the aftermath of the avalanche. "Oh," he groaned, looking around as Leshawna dropped him on the stretcher, "what happened?" he asked as the victorious music began to play again with much more enthusiasm.
"You won, Ginger Baby!" Leshawna answered with a smile, the camera pulling out even more to show Harold looking back at the finish banner.
"I did it!" Harold said excitedly. "Harold Norbert Cheever Doris McGrady V has claimed victory! Boo yah!" he raised his arms and cheered, the shot cutting away to show all of the Peanut Gallery cheering.
“We weren't able to talk to each other as much, and it's clear we like each other as more than just friends, but how about we hang out a little bit back home and see where things go?” Leshawna suggested.
“As long as we don't rush into a committed relationship, I'd like that,” Harold smiled back.
The camera panned to the left to show Julia frantically pulling a dazed and half-conscious Zee from the rest of the avalanche, and picking him up onto her back.
"Julia," Zee said weakly, "I'm sorry that I-"
"Be quiet," Julia said with a weak smile as she carried her boyfriend over to the stretcher and set him down next to Harold. "You need to rest."
"But-" Zee tried to say.
He was cut off by Julia grabbing his head and kissing him full on the lips. "You didn’t win the money, but we can still provide for the world in our own ways, and with the power of love," she said with a smile as she broke the kiss, leaving Zee looking dopey.
The capstone theme began to play as the footage skipped ahead to a shot of the open sky, the double-rotored helicopter soon flying up into view. "That's it for this very, very off season," Chris began, standing in the open doorway with Zee and Julia sitting on the edge letting their legs dangle freely with Julia leaning into Zee; Harold and Scarlett standing on either side of Chris, the latter annoyed and the former grinning while holding the suitcase full of money to his chest; and the rest of the cast, crouching down and peering over in the gaps between and behind the rest, constantly jockeying for position as they tried to get one last shot of themselves on camera.
"This is Chris McLean, saying if you can't stand the pain-" the handsome host continued, the shot cutting in closer- "stay off the Total! Drama! Paaaahkitew Island!"
"RE-VENGE!" Max suddenly yelled from behind Scarlett, shoving her out of the helicopter, and the brainiac screamed as she fell.
The camera lingered on the dumbfounded looks of Chris and the other ex-campers, all of them staring at Max in shock. "This is how a traitor should be rewarded," he said, crossing his arms and closing his eyes defiantly.
The ex-campers and host burst out laughing, and a fun and energetic tune started to play. The camera panned over to the windshield to show Chef laughing along with the rest of the cast from the pilot's seat, and the helicopter flew away.
The music soon faded away, though, and the scene quick-panned down to show a screaming Scarlett landing in the giant mud puddle. She quickly surfaced with a shocked splutter, and pulled herself out onto dry land. "How am I going to get home now because of those imbeciles?!"
A few ominous notes were struck, and a ferocious growl caught Scarlett's attention. She looked up, and the camera zoomed out to show Scuba Bear 2.0 standing over her, eyes red. "Heheh," the brainiac laughed nervously. "You're not going to hurt me are you?"
The scene abruptly cut outward to the full long-distance shot of the island, the ominous music ending as Scarlett's scream and Scuba Bear's snarl echoed across the lake.
(Roll the Credits)
Lightning - 14th
DJ - 13th
Amy - 12th
B - 11th
Julia - 10th
Max - 9th
Leshawna - 8th
MERGE
Jo - 7th
Duncan - 6th
Ella - 5th
Sammy - 4th
Scarlett - 3rd
Zee - 2nd
Harold - 1st

WIBTA If I tell my cousins Bf that he cheated (Please help, I need advice!)
Hey Reddit or tiktok I honestly don’t care if this spreads I need advice and validation.
No keep things anonymous I will be using fake names,
Noah my cousin has been dating Anthony for the past year, and Anthony is in the Air force and is stationed in Germany and is planning to come back and marry my cousin next year. But here’s the thing I’ve been sick of Noah’s dumb ass, stupid ass, fuckery that I’ve witnessed because he says that Anthony and him have worked it out but now it’s gotten to far!
My other cousin Violet had a graduation party and it was fun, until Noah invited this guy called Ethan. Now Noah and Ethan were upstairs the house alone for a while during the party for 30 mins. I checked up on them and they were alone a lot. My cousin’s Noah excuse was “ I invited Ethan because he knows how to do drag and I am surprising Violet with a drag show.”
And to be quite fucking honest, the makeup wasn’t even that god damn good, and it took them 2 HOURS! TWO FUCKING HOURS! Other girls were going up and down the levels to help with the makeup after the 1st hour. But whenever I even went upstairs to check. Ethan would hold onto Noah’s waist and would blow on his neck for makeup to dry. This dude was so close to my cousins neck like it was Edward was to Bella! Like WTF
My cousin Violet, girl of the party was concerned why Noah was alone with Ethan for so long and pulled me aside to get something off her chest, we get to the bathroom and she confessed that earlier when setting up the party, Noah and Ethan were in the house. Noah confessed to Violet that he and Ethan were on the bed and things happened and they made out!
I was fucking livid, thankfully my boyfriend was there to calm me down, I didn’t want to ruin Violets day of her collage Graduation in front of her friends. So I didn’t say much. But the drag show went on and it was fun, but still, seriously, 2 hours for makeup that looked like it would take 30mins!
And mind you other guest were actually suspecting how they were close. Also since people were drinking people were staying over the house. So NOAH AND ETHAN SLEEP IN THE BASEMENT ALONE!!!!
Yes alone! Also Noah met Ethan on Grinder so that makes things worse. I face time the girl cousins confessing how I’m sick of Noah’s shit and I don’t care if it ruins my relationship with him and if I do something it’s not against h them, and they agreed. But I told them how Noah during the first few months of dating Anthony, Noah would go to his ex’s work and ask in person if they could play overwatch, while in the side lines his actual bf would ask to play games! Noah gas also go to his ex’s job to just “hang out” and eat while his own bf was overseas in the Air Force. This guy, his ex then bought my cousin a 400, yes 400 tv just because . Months later his ex has the confidence to ask my cousin to leave his bf for him…. I told time he should block him and never should’ve done this in the first place, because what his ex did was disrespectful and honestly noah was cheating to, but noah said that he still wanted to be friends and a clear boundary to not hate on who he decides to be friends with even if they are exes…
But here’s what happens if I become the asshole. Violet doesn’t want to be involved but she’s the only person that Noah told that he made out with Ethan. She doesn’t want me to use her name, but obviously it would all lead back to Violet. My Boyfriend said if I say something I technically throw violet under the bus and ruin all of these relationships and friendships.
But Anthony needs to know what my cousin has done. He has done more. And I wish I could type more but I will in comments.
So WIBTA if I tell my cousins bf that my cousin cheated on him
TLDR: my stupid ass cousin admitted to my other cousin that he made out with a guy he invited to a party and I want to tell his bf he cheated. There’s more my cousin has done and I’m fine ruining this relationship. I actually want them to breakup .
Edit to add: noah used 2000, yes two thousand! Not two hundred but 2000 dollars of Anthony’s credit card money on the party and personal uses… soooooo yea.

So my boyfriends family found out about my work. Let’s say it’s… adult themed lol. My boyfriend quit his job a while after we started dating to do it with me. I earn most of the money but he does a very fair share of the work. I’d also saved up for a while, and I bought us a house.
His sister found out (his ex girlfriend sent her screenshots) and told his parents. They kicked him out the house and didn’t speak to him for months, called me a lot of names over texts and calls to him.
We recently saw his sister. My boyfriend runs an event which she was at, and she went for me. Ripped out a chunk of my hair, hit my head against a car, etc. I tried to speak to her after this (I’d only met her twice before this and didn’t even recognise who was going for me). My boyfriend told me it was his sister and I decided to go and try make amends. She said she was annoyed because we’d taken some adult pictures in his bedroom for our profile, and she was mad because it was in her family home, so I apologised and said sadly it’s happened and I can’t change it, but I’d like to move past it. She got me again, left my head spewing blood.
We also saw her at the pub a different time. She didn’t speak to me and we avoided one another. My boyfriend had words with her saying not to touch me, but she instead reported us to the bar staff and tried to get us kicked out.
His parents have said they no longer hate me, since I bought a house. We’re about to invest in more, so his parents saw how much money he makes and have forgiven him.
However his mother still sends texts criticising me when she’s drunk, stuff about the photos I post on social media (one was from a halloween party with a friend that recently passed, that I uploaded in his honour - it’s halloween though and I was dressed as… well I wasn’t wearing much) and the likes.
He’s tried to get me to go see his parents/invite them over. I’ve said I’d rather just not speak to them - they’ve not only seen me half naked but also called me a bunch of names and it hasn’t seemed to have stopped yet.
He says I’m being unreasonable - I don’t know though. I feel like I shouldn’t cut off his parents entirely due to the actions they do when drunk, and due to the actions of their daughter.
I really am torn. I want to make him happy, and he would love us to get along. However I just don’t feel totally comfortable seeing them given the issues we’ve had.
So AITAH if I choose not to be involved with them? I’m mostly worried because my boyfriends been mentioning marriage a lot recently, and I’m scared of the awkward moment of seeing them at the wedding after barely speaking for our whole relationship.
EDIT: apparently they’ve been wondering why we haven’t invited them over, which my boyfriend is worried about. No criticism towards my boyfriend from me either. This isn’t a massive argument, I’m just worried I’m being unfair. He respects my wishes (for the most part), he only tried to make me see them once. He’s an angel who will always defend me to his last breath! I just want to hear some impartial opinions.
EDIT 2: re not pressing charges against sister - my boyfriend had just repaired his relationship with his parents and didn’t want any further bad blood between his family and him. He didn’t want me to, so I decided not to. I don’t want to further destroy his relationship with his family. I know it was his decision to start doing this work with me, but I can’t help feeling like it’s my fault their relationship is damaged in the first place.
EDIT 3 LAST ONE SORRY GUYS: WIBTAH if I decided to not have them present when we finally do get married? His mothers very verbal when drunk, and I don’t want her to blab about my job to my family members who don’t know what I do. Obviously he agreed his sister won’t be present. He was never very close with her, and is still angry at her for showing his parents explicit photos of him, and for hurting me.

First off, feel free to comment about your own experiences. I would love it if anybody can relate. I'm also open to questions, advice, whatever you wanna write. This is gonna be a bit longer, just fyi. Excuse lack of proper chronological order and maybe some wonky sentences, English isn't my first language.
I was parentified.
For context, my mother has three children, I'm the youngest one, then there's my older half-brother (30) and my older half-sister (36). Their father was a violent alcoholic with schizophrenic tendencies (official diagnosis), luckily I never met him. I refer to them as brother and sister. I'm 21 now. I'm the only child of my mom and my dad, my dad has three other kids who are in the same age group as my maternal siblings. Lots of history with divorces and family fights, I'm the center of a complete patchwork family, everybody moved towns a lot, it's all a bit messy and disorganized.
My mother has severe borderline disorder and has massive trauma from several age stages, especially involving men. She was heavily parentified and yet socially cast out by her family herself. I don't remember a time where I didn't act like her father, emotionally. This is made worse by the fact that I'm trans so I was like her bestie before I began socially transitioning in my early teen years. Of course, this was a massive issue for her. She told me she had only ever wanted daughters. Materially she was taking care of things until I was about 11 - walked me to school and took care of the household, used to work, everything.
I remember sitting next to her during a talk/fight she had with my dad while she was sobbing, I can't have been older than 3 or 4. They got divorced around that time. As I grew older, I came to be my mom's sole emotional support person. We had moved to an isolated village with my step-father and she developed a severe agoraphobia for some time. My step-father avoided all emotionality with both her and me and therefore I was now her only friend. I overheard conversations that she shouldn't be having with her child next door and was told about her most severe fears and traumas from a young age. I was lashed out at on a near daily basis and punishment came unexpectedly. It would consist of being screamed at for minutes on end until I would cry and hyperventilate, but she wouldn't stop then.
In spite of her idea of punishment and raising children, she was incredibly attached to me, still is. This would include massive anxiety fits when she didn't know where I was or when I was getting into activities she didn't approve of. One time, when I was about 17, I went to a party in my friend's basement. She knew about this and approved it, knew my friends and where they lived. I didn't have any signal in that basenent so she couldn't reach me. She proceeded to look up my other friends' parents' phone number and call them to contact me. There was nothing she wanted except to know that I had arrived there.
Whereas my other siblings had long left the household years apart from eachother, both with specific and complex fights and banging doors and screaming fits, I was, as the youngest child, turned into a confessional and a therapist. I would mediate fights from a young age. I witnessed physical violence between my brother, my mother and my sister. My brother was the perpetrator for the most part (however, I was neither hurt nor threatened myself). Nobody proceeded to remove me from the situation or stop me from getting involved. From then on, every fight and every drama caused me intense bouts of anxiety and it, to this day, remains to be the only thing that makes me cry and/or lash out.
In a household full of anger, my anger was not tolerated. I was raised with some old-timey sort of black paedagogy (edit: by this i mean some nazi-era remnants type of paedagogy) (I'm German so it is something of a generational curse for some): I was to have unwavering respect for my parents, I was expected to be obedient, "let him cry it out" type stuff. At least when I was a younger child. When I got older, my emotions did not matter either. After stressful situations or fights that I proceeded to witness for most of my life, nobody ever asked me how I felt or explained to me what had actually gone down. I was left alone while not being left alone at all.
If I failed to provide emotional security for my mother or even attempted to call her out, I was made to feel immensely guilty. This could range from her crying/yelling things like "Why is it always me that must suffer" to guilt-tripping texts and blocking my contact for a while to very action-based suicide threats, depending on the situation. Her emotions were forced to be my emotions if I wanted to "stay alive".
At the same time, I still proceeded to excel in school. I felt like dying but nobody, and I tell you, nobody, noticed. I was a teacher's pet, I still had some loose friendships, I visited my dad once a month or more ever since my parents divorced. Nobody realized what I felt. I felt alone and had the worst depressive episode of my life when I was 13. I neglected personal hygiene. I never opened up to my father for many years. To this day I think he doesn't know everything. Especially during covid, him and my ex-stepmother were my safe space. When I first opened up to them, they welcomed me with open arms, my father was very strict and cold when I was young, but he softened, changed, and is everything and more I could ask for in a father. He is among the most positive examples of masculinity and especially of fatherhood that I know in my circles. He sends me postcards several times a month, wants me to visit, hugs me and tells me he loves me and that he's proud, gives me space. The dad who remembers the names of our childhood stuffed animals. Literally. I love him to death. He was also the only parent who engaged in activities with me and would play with me, later on take me to the movies, go to bars and restaurants, go to museums with me etc.
My mother got worse both psychologically and physically, she is chronically ill and needs immense support in a lot of things now. For about a year, my stepfather worked in a town far away and only came home during the weekends. This was during covid. Within a year, I developed a hatred so deep for my mother that I had thoughts that scared me. I took care of our pets and the household, was not allowed to get into any activities after school other than coming home and spent hours after my day listening to her rants, anxieties, fears. I get hateful goosebumps when I remember the way she used to call my name when she wanted me to do something for her. Sometimes she would make me stay awake for longer, knowing that I had to get up at 6am again. It was usually already around 12 at night. She wanted me to walk the dog before SHE went to bed because otherwise it would ruin her otherwise horribly insomniac circadian rhythm. Therefore I was not allowed to go to sleep. At that point she had not worked for more than 6 years and stayed home all the time. My stepfather and I did grocery shopping. She rarely ever leaves the house if she can avoid it. This was during the German version of my GCSE's.
I was denied medical care that could have potentially fixed my posture issues and other orthopedic issues. My mother deemed physiotherapy as inefficient and got mad when I asked her about it again. Money was always an issue. We were evicted once. I was denied certain things and never asked for extra cash because we ran low on money, my stepfather was blamed for smoking and consuming a lot of meat (which indeed is pricy), but my mother never reflected on her online shopping addiction and I'm aware that she is in an ongoing debt. Has been for years now.
Things got a bit better when my stepfather moved back and Covid cleared up somewhat. Regardless, I used pure spite to continue studying hard while they were yelling at eachother from the top of their lungs for hours on end and did the best I could to get the hell out of there. I've had therapy with several years' of breaks for a total of nearly 3 years now, that I partially applied for myself and I'm working on tackling everything. I live in a different city, studying subjects that I love. I get all my shit done, for the most part, I know how to do paperwork and know how all of the chores work. I can regulate myself in terms of sleep and food and cheap thrills. I have a (milder) case of anxiety. I keep meaningful friendships in which I find myself capable of avoiding all the harmful behaviors and attitudes I was taught. I'm learning to stand my ground and take responsibility for my own decisions and actions.
When I establish my boundaries with her now, she turns into some sort of anxious-attached mess. She over-apologizes to me. She puts me on a pedestal and I'm living a life that she is jealous of. She is intensely attached to me and considers me her favorite child and also hasn't properly gotten over my father, over 15 years of them being divorced. She will do anything to support me materially and then tear me down emotionally. Everything I tell her is followed by her mourning the life she doesn't have and never had instead of properly celebrating with me. She gets noticeably sad when I refuse to give her my full attention, she yearns for what she considered a deep and important relationship to me. But it was all just emotional neglect and emotional abuse. Now I sometimes can't help but meet her with the same attitude she gave me.
This is not perfectly chronological and all over the place. I have complicated relationships with my siblings and other relatives, which I don't mourn, but feel guilty about. My father and I are very good with eachother although I need to confront him about some things as well. With my mother I do the bare minimum to avoid conflict, yet without throwing my sense of self out of the window again. She is the only human who can easily cause anxiety attacks in me, no matter where or when. I sometimes wish I was not in contact with her. I have a tendency for smoking too much weed and being just a bit too careless with other drugs (although I rarely do those in comparison), but I also try and regulate this heavily (e.g. not finding a dealer but asking friends every once in a while etcetc). I think this stems from these experiences. Apart from that, I think I'm coping very well.
To everybody: it does get better. It does. Even when your emotions are a rollercoaster sometimes. You will be in a different place, maybe you already are, and you'll escape from these structures. I think the hardest pill for me to swallow is that I create my own reality and that nobody will give me my stolen childhood back. I am an (albeit young) adult now and I must do everything I can to avoid becoming like her. Her life is not a life I want to lead. There's hope and you won't always be in this place.

I want to start off apologizing for the grammar mistakes and unorganized thoughts that will soon occur.
AIO to my boyfriend comparing me to other girls? For context, I (22F) and my boyfriend (21M) have been together for almost a year now (in a week). We met online and instantly connected. I was going to school in another state so we did long distance for most of our relationship until he moved in with me. Now we both live together in a studio with two cats (one we got together).
Our relationship has been good, the typical ups and downs but we usually get over it. We both struggle with being extremely insecure but he definitely externalizes it while I internalize it. Most of our issues stem from his retroactive jealousy and him feeling very insecure. I try my best to reassure him but a lot of times he doesn’t believe me. I struggle with comparing myself to others especially looks wise. I have seen the type of influencer and people that he’s attracted to (early into the relationship)and I am in no way shape or form close to looking like that which made me more insecure in our relationship. He does reassure me that I am the prettiest girl and whatnot but because of my insecurities I have trouble believing that. I have voiced this to him especially in regards to social media.
I really don’t want to air out his business but I think it is essential to the story. He claims himself to be a loser since he works a minimum wage job and feels that he doesn’t do much to support me. I recently just graduated with my BSN and my BA and have quite the future ahead of me and he has told me he is very jealous of that since he isn’t a school person. I was given lots of scholarships which I used to pay for a lot of our stuff because I know he struggles with money since he has to pay for his car and insurance and whatnot. I really don’t mind this but he really hates that I pay for a lot of our stuff. He voiced to me that he hates that he isn’t able to provide for me like I have for him. He said he resents me for being “perfect” as most of our problems have stemmed from him and not me. He struggles to believe that a girl like me could love him and questions my love for him which brings us to a few days ago.
Just a few days ago, he confessed that he looks at other girls on his suggested or people you may know on instagram and compares me to them. He said that he imagined what it would be like to be with them and how they would feel about him. He admitted to doing this for a month. I asked him if he found these people attractive and he said yes. It hurt me so bad. I asked him if he has done it with me in the room and he also said yes. It hurts me that he claims to love me so much and that I am the girl he wants to marry but then he does this. I don’t know why these girls being “normal” people affects me so much and could be people he potentially knows.
From his perspective, he doesn’t know why he did this. He still claims that he loves me so much and that he wants to marry me and only sees a future with me. Through his comparisons he realize that I love him for who he is, and that he thinks I am the only one who would/will. He said he did it because he is so insecure and thinks that I will just leave him so he imagines being with other people. He also just didn’t believe that I love him. I asked him why he just didn’t come to me for reassurance and he doesn’t have an answer. He is begging me to stay with him and says that he will do anything to earn my trust back. I just don’t understand why he did this and if he’s being honest with his reasoning.
I want to more than anything try and work this out but it hurts so much and I don’t know why. I am trying to find reasons to justify this or blame myself for doing something wrong or not being enough. I just don’t understand why and I can’t bring myself to believe that someone who loves me so much would do that. I think maybe this is normal but this is something I would never do. We are on the verge of a break up and idk am I overreacting. I don’t know if this is something I can get over easily. I feel more insecure than I have ever felt in my life. Every time I look at him or think of the situation I just cry. He has left the decision to me to whether we stay together or break up. I leave for my trip to Asia in a few days and will be gone for 3 weeks. I don’t know how to work this out if we’re long distance again with a time difference, how to trust him, how to feel good about myself, and not overthink. I don’t want to throw away this relationship because the thought of us not together also hurts. On the other hand, if we do break up this is the perfect time as he would have three weeks to pack and move without us having to interact much.
I really don’t know what to do. I really want to stay and work on it because I do think that he is being genuine in what he is saying but I don’t know how to get over this and trust him fully. What should I do?

I could completely be misunderstanding what’s going on or freaking out for no reason but I would love some thoughts on this. My boyfriend (20M) and I (21F) have been together for a little over a year. At the beginning of our relationship there were some doubts on his end. He had just recently gotten out of a toxic relationship (as did I) and he would say things like he doesn’t feel as intense for me as he did with his ex and other stuff like that. As time went by, there was a shift of his feelings. He was and is completely attentive and more affectionate. He told me he loved me and we’ve talked about our future like babies and all that. One day, I just asked him when we should move in (for the future). I wasn’t really asking for a real answer just like an estimate cuz we already have signed leases for the next couple years so obviously it’s not soon, and he completely freaked out and said “I don’t think we should be talking about that right now”, which I found so weird because he can talk to me about all the babies and the houses we will have but he can’t talk to me about moving in which is at least 2 years away if not more? I asked him about that and he basically said that moving in was more real because it would be like the next step in our relationship and the babies and the houses are far away. I was so confused and I talked to him about it more and he said that maybe I’m being too anxious. He said we don’t know the future and he could be with someone else and that he’s so young etc. but he said he’s been enjoying his time with me and he does see a possible future with me. A week ago at a family gathering my sister told me that she asked him if he wanted kids and he responded with “I’m not sure maybe it will be with your sister or with someone else” which is weird because that wasn’t the question and why would you say that to my sister? I know that things can change in the future I’m not oblivious to that and I’m ok with that happening, but these comments don’t make me feel secure in our relationship. I’m definitely more of a long term kind of person and I am an anxious person so it definitely rattles how I feel. I’m not sure whether this is a red flag or not.
TL;DR My boyfriend likes to talk about our future until it feels real and then he freaks out. He tells me we could be together or he could be with someone else in the future.

My Boyfriend (M23) and I (F24) have been dating for around 3 years now. We have a really good relationship, and rarely have fights or issues. He is wonderful, and we often talk about long term plans. But, there's one issue. His ex (F23). He dated her briefly, but harboured some feelings for her after their breakup. They were friends before, and became closer still after the breakup.
Now, I have my fair share of exes who I have remained on good terms with. But their relationship has always been a little too close for my taste. Earlier on, this caused some friction between us, as I was afraid that he still had feelings for her. However, he assured me that that wasn't the case, and I believed him. But, every now and then, this jealousy rears its head, and I don't know what to do. They have some common interests, so sometimes just the two of them will hangout. They watch shows and movies together sometimes, and play videogames on occasion. They run in the same social circles, so they meet fairly frequently, go on trips, and she comes up in conversation ALL of the time.
Now, the issue here is, I am 100% certain there is no and will never be any infidelity on his part. They are platonic friends, and I know that he loves me deeply, and cares for her just as a friend. I know that this is very possibly me being unfairly jealous of what is simply a good friendship. And I have tried to not feel this way, and I have tried to push it down. On occasion, I have talked to my boyfriend, who doesn't really understand where this is coming from, but placates me nevertheless. But I cannot get rid of this growing resentment towards their relationship. Every time she comes up, I get upset, and have to tamp it down.
I feel like I'm going insane, and I don't know what to do. I don't even know if I am the problem here; it certainly feels that way very frequently. Please, give your opinions and views.
TLDR: My boyfriend is very close with his ex, and although I know it is platonic, it bothers me a lot. Advise on what to do, please.

I think my friend's hate me and I don't know what I should do with myself at this point
Tw: Eating Disorders / Self-Harm / Suicide
My mental health has been up and down for a long time now, hitting an all time low in December 2021, being at an honest high in February this year and now back quite low
I have an issue that has made me struggle for a while, I look into things too much, in September I made a new group of friends (all of which were female, I'm NB but AMAB) and they were nice to me, one showed me a lot of attention and we went to the cinema together, I thought it was a date, she didn't, now she hates me, and the group basically shuts me out completely
Then I made another group of friends, eventually I started dating one of them, she broke up with me, I was heartbroken, suicidal, then she wanted to get back together, we were together for a week, had sex, broke it off, this time I was kinda glad though as it was going nowhere
Then she started gossiping about me to our friend group, so I stopped hanging out in the group (despite being friends with a good number of them) and now I don't really have anyone to hang out with
I have like 5 friends and honestly I don't know which of Then actually like me
They all call me fat constantly, despite me now being a healthy weight and I think this has call slowly gotten me to gain an eating disorder as I am religious about counting calories and fasting, as soon as I overeat I feel like shit. Tbf I did used to be fat, and I encouraged it, it gave me motivation to lose it, then I did, but old habits die hard, so they still do. I don't have a spine so while I have told then to stop, I don't actually do anything about it
One of the friends I do actually think somewhat likes me, despite constantly calling me fat, he is nice to me, we've been friends for 4 years and he is just nice
Another was my best friend, she was dating one of my other former-friends, after they split I chose her over my other friend (that friend was a dick) but now she is in a really good relationship that makes her happy and I'm glad for her, her boyfriend is also really nice, but I know for a fact he doesn't like me and I think he doesn't want her hanging out with me
Other friends range from being in the friend group with my ex, all of them gossiping behind my back, to friends who everyone questions why I am friends with them as they are constantly diminishing to me
At this point I am not happy, I am barely focusing on my school work, or my health despite being overly-cautious with my health
I want to cut myself again, I don't know why, it just makes me feel something other than sadness but I'm going on holiday in a week so it will leave a mark which I can't have, my mom will be overly-sympathetic and my dad will be mad. I'm ugly (I don't want any commitments saying you're beautiful) I spent 2 years growing my hair long to feel more fem and it constantly looks messy despite what i do with it, everyone tells me i should cut it but that wont solve anything, plus basically all my friende around me have been growing their hair out and they all look better
I'm not happy with anything but the ups and downs I go through make it unpredictable how I'll feel tomorrow, all I know is that I don't know where to be in this world

So this is going to be a long story, but a very intriguing one (or so my friends say). Bear with me and if you could offer some advice on what to do please share. I know I'm probably just young and naive but I feel like the pain will never stop. Like I'm going to always be held back by this particular experience.
Also sorry for any grammatical or spelling errors, English isn't my first language.
So all of this begins October of 2022 when I 18M (at the time) moved to a new city to study film. I was lucky enough to have good grades and be so passionate about this art that it kind of felt incredible to have this new beginning. I rented a small house which I decorated with my collections and all my stuff and ended up loving every second spend in it.
I'm Not very social. Thats just a fact. I've always had my school friends and some people from other activities but none of them really felt like they understood me. No sade to them, I really love them, it's just that I know my hobbies and personality are niece and weird so we don't always see eye to eye. So I wanted to overcome my social anxiety and meet new people.
For the first semester I was all alone. Completely. Spent days upon days without leaving my house if I didn't have school and even didn't have any actual human interaction if not necessary. I didn't realise how much I was hurting myself. The Second semester, someone approached me in school and asked if I could help them with the editing for their final movie, let's call him Jacob 18M. I already was searching for a group project to join in order to pass the class so this felt like a sweet deal. The group was Jacob and let's call them Ellie 18F and Hannah 18F.
With time we started talking about more then just the movie. I was really surprised by how many things we had in common. It was the first time someone I met liked musical theatre or (and this is gonna sound sad, please don't judge me) people didn't want me to leave whenever I approached them. They invited me to things, to their homes and after school and to trips at the beach ect. We were together almost every day. Till late at night or through it. Just the 4 of us. Felt like we could rule the world.
One day i thought Ellie was flirting with me. That was a weird feeling. I'm not very good looking and had a lot of extra weight so that was pretty much the first time but my friends told me that was the case from what I was describing. I mentioned it to Jacob and he told me something I didn't expect. He told me him and Ellie were in an open relationship and were hiding it from everyone except Hannah because of his ex who was in school with us. He also confessed he once had a crush on me and that's why he approached me in the first place. He also saw Ellie flirting with me but was ok with it due to the "rules of their relationship".
I was ok with not having a romantic relationship with Ellie. She would actually become one of the closest friends I've ever had. Or so I thought.
I actually started having a crush on Hannah. She loved some of the movies I loved. Had some of my quirks so I didn't feel ashamed around her and she started watching my favourite tv show with me. During our time together everyone (even her sister and Jacob who found out I liked her) told us that when we were together we could only see each other. As if we had a unique way of communication that nobody else could understand.
I confessed my crush and she told me she felt the same way but that there where 2 problems. First that she gets very anxious about relationships, has only ever been to one and had never kissed anyone. I assured her I wasn't going to pressure anything and I only cared for her and wanted to go on a date sometime. She replied she would like that very much. The second problem she confessed was that she was in love with Jacob for months now but nobody knew. Then everything made sense. The things she did for him and all. How she acted around him. I was surprised I didn't notice it before. She told me she wanted to get over it and proceed to ask to kiss me. We kissed a lot but nothing more that night. She went home after a few hours.
The next day Hannah she felt very distant. We wanted to go to the movies with Ellie but she disappeared all day. Late at night she asked my to go for a walk since we lived near each other. Then she told me she wanted to forget everything and last night was a mistake. That her anxiety has gotten into her and although she really wanted a relationship she couldn't be in one. The next few days we talked again and she said she didn't share any of this with Jacob to have someone in the group I could talk to if I needed help. Ellie was that for her.
It was already summer so we all went to our home towns. I missed her a ton. We stilled talked and the other 2 knew something was off with me. About 2 moths later we all went to Hannah's summerhouse for vacation. We were having fun, getting drunk and all that 19-year old stuff. One night me and Hannah were watching my show together and the time felt right so I asked to kiss her. She told me no and finally told me the truth. Turns out she liked that we flirted but after kissing me she realised it wasn't anything more. Also everyone knew except me. But after all this time I had realised I was in love with this girl. I told her if she could keep all of this to herself and she said yes.
We were all still friends. But I couldn't let go. My mental health began to decent and I started feeling like they would leave me out of stuff to go hang out alone and during October I tried talking some time away to see if they would even talk to me if I didn't. They didn't even say good morning once. I tried again and again. Jacob and Ellie said we all need to talk together. They repeated the same words. Like as if it was rehearsed. I went to "the talk".
Jacob did most of the talking. He talked about boundaries and how after everything between me and Hannah the group hasn't been the same. That after I didn't tell him what happened in our vacation they went to her and forced Hannah to do so. They where all attacking me. I heard lie after lie and all followed up with "we just need some time" and that all of this was cause they loved me.
I have discussed what they accused me of with friends, family and therapists. Although I didn't not believe it at first they all confirmed it was finding little details in my day-to-day behaviour (unrelated to all of the above) and using it to kick me out. They didn't intend of even speaking to me again. Lies feed to everyone by Jacob.
I went away. I don't know if it was for the better. But for a few weeks at first and then months later, I went back to my home town. Their lies became actual blame and I got a message from Ellie saying that we are done (just one month after trying to convince me they needed time and confessing she in particular didn't even notice anything until her boyfriend accused me).
Last time I saw any of them was in December when I gave Hannah her Christmas present. I told her I wasn't trying to get her back and I would continue to keep my distance since my first priority is what she wants and I meant that. I really do love her and would do anything for her to be happy. But I miss her a ton.
It's been 5 months since then. I stopped going to school and kept my distance from anyone related to that life. I have depression and cannot think about anything else. I heard that Jacob still talk shut about me to everyone. I have realised what has happened and have discussed this with multiple common friends who have confirmed this. Jacob is Manipulating the other 2 because of the bad relationship with his parents. He knows Ellie won't do anything with anyone else despite the "open" relationship due to her luck of confidence (so it only works for him). She need him to operate in public and to deal with her extreme anxiety so he takes advantage of that and Hannah follows him everywhere with the excuse of just being a good friend.
There are so many things I couldn't include (this is a hugh post already) about more lies and proof that they where bad for me. But I can't move on. I have seeked medical help but I just cant imagine my life in the future without them. Everything is a reminder of what we've been through. Jacob used to call me his family and when I begged him for our friendship back he didn't even care. Not on my birthday, not on new years... never. I lost all of them.
I'm back now. Not sure why, whether I'm back to continue my studies or to see if I could win them back. If I could have Hannah in my life in sime form. But I'll probably see them tomorrow morning (I randomly walked behind them today, don't think they noticed me).
What should I do?
TL,DR: The girl I'm in love with stopped talking to me along with my 2 best friends. I can't move on and I'm supposed to face them again in school after not seeing them for months. They all lied to me and nothing seem to help. I have depression and I dont want to feel like this for the rest of my life.

The more I know her I notice how many more ex than me she has.
She is very open about sex and her past experiences. At first I didn't care about it. I even asked if she had tried a few things in bed. She said no to some, but yes to a few things. Absolutely no problem about it.
But slowly she started telling me stories about her ex boyfriends and how it didn't worked with them. I was already bothered by it, but today she just found out a guy she dated back in December was arrested for hitting his now girlfriend and started telling me the whole story and how luck she was it didn't work with him. The part that bothered me the most was how she met him on Tinder and had sex with him on the second date. With me was on the third date and we talked for months on Instagram before our first date.
She probably noticed how I was bothered by it and changed subject to how he looked like a normal guy and that it didn't work out because he was silly.
It feels like she messed around a lot more than me, and I'm 3 years older than her. Also feels like other guys had a easier time winning her than me.
I know everyone has a past and we get along perfectly, but it just feels weird hearing so much about her past with other guys. I try to think she didn't knew me before so it's ok, but it still bothers me.
Weird detail, I found out the woman beater Instagram and she still follows him. She had told me she tried to keep the friendship with him, but why keep a friendship with a guy she met on Tinder and only met twice?
Anyway, not sure how to proceed with this relationship. We just came back from a two days trip to a nearby beach, and it was perfect. Before she told me this whole story I was pretty sure she was the one. Now I'm jealous, hurt and doubtful.

So this is going to be a long story, but a very intriguing one (or so my friends say). Bear with me and if you could offer some advice on what to do please share. I know I'm probably just young and naive but I feel like the pain will never stop. Like I'm going to always be held back by this particular experience.
Also sorry for any grammatical or spelling errors, English isn't my first language.
So all of this begins October of 2022 when I 18 M (at the time) moved to a new city to study film. I was lucky enough to have good grades and be so passionate about this art that it kind of felt incredible to have this new beginning. I rented a small house which I decorated with my collections and all my stuff and ended up loving every second spend in it.
I'm Not very social. Thats just a fact. I've always had my school friends and some people from other activities but none of them really felt like they understood me. No sade to them, I really love them, it's just that I know my hobbies and personality are niece and weird so we don't always see eye to eye. So I wanted to overcome my social anxiety and meet new people.
For the first semester I was all alone. Completely. Spent days upon days without leaving my house if I didn't have school and even didn't have any actual human interaction if not necessary. I didn't realise how much I was hurting myself. The Second semester, someone approached me in school and asked if I could help them with the editing for their final movie, let's call him Jacob 18 M. I already was searching for a group project to join in order to pass the class so this felt like a sweet deal. The group was Jacob and 2 girls, let's call them Ellie 18 F and Hannah 18 F.
With time we started talking about more then just the movie. I was really surprised by how many things we had in common. It was the first time someone I met liked musical theatre or (and this is gonna sound sad, please don't judge me) people didn't want me to leave whenever I approached them. They invited me to things, to their homes and after school and to trips at the beach ect. We were together almost every day. Till late at night or through it. Just the 4 of us. Felt like we could rule the world.
One day i thought Ellie was flirting with me. That was a weird feeling. I'm not very good looking and had a lot of extra weight so that was pretty much the first time but my friends told me that was the case from what I was describing. I mentioned it to Jacob and he told me something I didn't expect. He told me him and Ellie were in an open relationship and were hiding it from everyone except Hannah because of his ex who was in school with us. He also confessed he once had a crush on me and that's why he approached me in the first place. He also saw Ellie flirting with me but was ok with it due to the "rules of their relationship".
I was ok with not having a romantic relationship with Ellie. She would actually become one of the closest friends I've ever had. Or so I thought.
I actually started having a crush on Hannah. She loved some of the movies I loved. Had some of my quirks so I didn't feel ashamed around her and she started watching my favourite tv show with me. During our time together everyone (even her sister and Jacob who found out I liked her) told us that when we were together we could only see each other. As if we had a unique way of communication that nobody else could understand.
I confessed my crush and she told me she felt the same way but that there where 2 problems. First that she gets very anxious about relationships, has only ever been to one and had never kissed anyone. I assured her I wasn't going to pressure anything and I only cared for her and wanted to go on a date sometime. She replied she would like that very much. The second problem she confessed was that she was in love with Jacob for months now but nobody knew. Then everything made sense. The things she did for him and all. How she acted around him. I was surprised I didn't notice it before. She told me she wanted to get over it and proceed to ask to kiss me. We kissed a lot but nothing more that night. She went home after a few hours.
The next day Hannah she felt very distant. We wanted to go to the movies with Ellie but she disappeared all day. Late at night she asked my to go for a walk since we lived near each other. Then she told me she wanted to forget everything and last night was a mistake. That her anxiety has gotten into her and although she really wanted a relationship she couldn't be in one. The next few days we talked again and she said she didn't share any of this with Jacob to have someone in the group I could talk to if I needed help. Ellie was that for her.
It was already summer so we all went to our home towns. I missed her a ton. We stilled talked and the other 2 knew something was off with me. About 2 moths later we all went to Hannah's summerhouse for vacation. We were having fun, getting drunk and all that 19-year old stuff. One night me and Hannah were watching my show together and the time felt right so I asked to kiss her. She told me no and finally told me the truth. Turns out she liked that we flirted but after kissing me she realised it wasn't anything more. Also everyone knew except me. But after all this time I had realised I was in love with this girl. I told her if she could keep all of this to herself and she said yes.
We were all still friends. But I couldn't let go. My mental health began to decent and I started feeling like they would leave me out of stuff to go hang out alone and during October I tried talking some time away to see if they would even talk to me if I didn't. They didn't even say good morning once. I tried again and again. Jacob and Ellie said we all need to talk together. They repeated the same words. Like as if it was rehearsed. I went to "the talk".
Jacob did most of the talking. He talked about boundaries and how after everything between me and Hannah the group hasn't been the same. That after I didn't tell him what happened in our vacation they went to her and forced Hannah to do so. They where all attacking me. I heard lie after lie and all followed up with "we just need some time" and that all of this was cause they loved me.
I have discussed what they accused me of with friends, family and therapists. Although I didn't not believe it at first they all confirmed it was finding little details in my day-to-day behaviour (unrelated to all of the above) and using it to kick me out. They didn't intend of even speaking to me again. Lies feed to everyone by Jacob.
I went away. I don't know if it was for the better. But for a few weeks at first and then months later, I went back to my home town. Their lies became actual blame and I got a message from Ellie saying that we are done (just one month after trying to convince me they needed time and confessing she in particular didn't even notice anything until her boyfriend accused me).
Last time I saw any of them was in December when I gave Hannah her Christmas present. I told her I wasn't trying to get her back and I would continue to keep my distance since my first priority is what she wants and I meant that. I really do love her and would do anything for her to be happy. But I miss her a ton.
It's been 5 months since then. I stopped going to school and kept my distance from anyone related to that life. I have depression and cannot think about anything else. I heard that Jacob still talk shut about me to everyone. I have realised what has happened and have discussed this with multiple common friends who have confirmed this. Jacob is Manipulating the other 2 because of the bad relationship with his parents. He knows Ellie won't do anything with anyone else despite the "open" relationship due to her luck of confidence (so it only works for him). She need him to operate in public and to deal with her extreme anxiety so he takes advantage of that and Hannah follows him everywhere with the excuse of just being a good friend.
There are so many things I couldn't include (this is a hugh post already) about more lies and proof that they where bad for me. But I can't move on. I have seeked medical help but I just cant imagine my life in the future without them. Everything is a reminder of what we've been through. Jacob used to call me his family and when I begged him for our friendship back he didn't even care. Not on my birthday, not on new years... never. I lost all of them.
I'm back now. Not sure why, whether I'm back to continue my studies or to see if I could win them back. If I could have Hannah in my life in sime form. But I'll probably see them tomorrow morning (I randomly walked behind them today, don't think they noticed me).
Please if you have any advice share it. I just want to feel happy again. Even for a second.
TL,DR: The girl I'm in love with stopped talking to me along with my 2 best friends. I can't move on and I'm supposed to face them again in school after not seeing them for months. They all lied to me and nothing seem to help. I have depression and I dont want to feel like this for the rest of my life.

You ma'am were my everything, from the moment I first saw you walking to my tow truck. I was in aww of you in that moment I was so hooked I can't explain it in any other way. I just needed to get to know the real you. Looking back I wish I could have slowed everything down a lot because we moved so fast. Opened the door for you and got you up into the truck. At first she was impressed I even would do that for her. She said it made her feel special and no one had ever done that for her. As I walked back to my door to get in time for me started to slow as I thought about a million things at once I was so drawn to her wanted everything for her and me to be amazing and guys, it really was great from my seat. She's absolutely gorgeous, sweet yet she's a pretty bad ass chick though. She's into heavy metal and rock over anything. She's my only ginger I've ever dated in my life. She's so beautiful, selfless when she knows u need something she is the first one to get it for you and she's an amazing cook, So incredibly sexy, and no matter what she broken and all was the only woman that I ever bought a real ring for wherever would and that red hair gets me now every time I find one around in my truck or my house. She loves to play with it as her nervous habit I used to say she was marking her territory jokingly but I loved watching her do it I love watching her play with it It was awesome to just be able to look over at her and see her sitting there was the greatest feeling in my life next to having my children and watching them be born. Seeing her smile was the most amazing thing I'd ever seen in my life That's what I lived for I lived for being silly with her and joking around and just having a good fucking time and spending that time with her no matter how much it was. I loved it always. Even when we fought I didn't ever stop loving her I did never stop caring about her obviously I was in it for us. Call me a wuss whatever you want I don't care I honestly have a thing with other people's hair it grosses me out when it is off the body so I'd have these piles of hair is have to immediately get out of the floor of my work truck when id open it for her to get her out of the truck lol it grossed me out but I didn't really care it was more funny that she was nervous cus we were so chill together. I quickly fell for this girl front the start and she was exactly what I said in the title. She's always going to be my blue little sundress passenger seat princess, the only women I've ever actually seen, planned, or dreamed of a future with and I've had longer relationship with kids even. But she has two sweet little girls that are amazing as well and I have become attatched to them as well throughout this 3 years. Especially because when her and I first met and went on our date I knew already that she was a mom of two but I hadn't met either one of them yet. Days after she was still with me and we spent every waking moment together in that truck. And we had a great time It just felt right. After that weekend was over we went to pick up her 3-month-old daughter. We had to go to the next town over and get her from her dad's house. As I got this little girl up into my truck put her car seat in the back of the tow truck I did what any normal person would do when meeting a baby for the first time. Started talking to her just to see her reaction to me. She was so sweet and so damn cute. She smiled so beautifully and was just so amazing it brought back all the memories for me having my kids. And that one really just cemented in the fact that I wanted to do this so much for my girl and I and for these kids cuz they were amazing. I spent my days just working away. Most the time with her by my side. There was times where yes we were not together 100% there's things she had to go do. Which was fine That's what we needed some time apart to miss each other cuz we did spend a lot of time together but honestly As long as we were there in my truck we were amazing together just hanging out while I was working spending time together and she said she loved watching me work. She loved how manly I smelled after and during a days work. Everything was great. So before her and I met I was always working and keeping to myself just trying to focus on myself but I lived in a hotel. So since her and I got hooked up together, we lived in my hotel which was not bad at all it was a fairly big hotel that offered reduced rates for long extended stays and they offered me a corporate discount. So it was fairly inexpensive as far as paying for the place but it was still extremely expensive compared to renting someplace. But it was by my own money because she had no income no job that I paid for everything. Literally everything. So as I worked 7 days a week and worked from time outta bed in the morning until well after midnight. I had no time to find our own place for cheaper living to start new direction for us. So she started searching for our own place to rent. Let's say we got distracted from that because of this damn drama that seemed to always be happening with her life. I'd always listen to what was going on with her and try to help. It's what I do in my everyday life I jump out of a truck when people are at their worst and it makes me feel a sense of joy because I get to get out of the damn truck like Superman get over to them and calm their life down a little bit slow it down for them when they're in their worst moments of the day and just take that weight off their shoulders. I get that fulfillment for my life that joy and it drives me to keep going That's the only reason I push through my days. I lived for it, soon after meeting her she became a big part of that meaning for me so much so I never even realized that it would end up costing me my career because I just couldn't do it anymore getting in that truck And as I open the door I see her there in the passenger seat with a flooded memory that comes rushing in and I get happy really quick like it's all real again and as soon as I sit down take my guys off that seat I look back over when it close the door cuz I'd always smile back at her when I got in the truck and she's not there and it breaks my heart every single time I experienced this so imagine getting in and out of that truck every day all day long and having to do that. I've been such an emotional wreck now that I literally had to go to my boss and quit my job because I couldn't safely do it and this was the job ladies and gentlemen that I prayed for at the end of our relationship I wasn't working hadn't been working for a few months because I just found out that I got cancer in my throat. So I got depressed I didn't know how to tell her my mom anybody being only 37 years old that I'm not going to be here that long Not as long as I thought so it started to destroy me and by this time in our relationship two and a half years in we had had several moves several little breakups but we'd always come back together and we always seemed great afterwards but then it always seemed like something would come up or she would lie or do something that I didn't like or that I wasn't approving of and every time I tried to talk to her about it she would just blow up at me and yeah there was lots of red flags I missed her out of a relationship I wish I could have done so many things different but stress and being what it is and everything you know I let my emotions get the best of me I let my my everything get the best of me every single time because as soon as she starts yelling it makes me louder and I just don't see anybody giving me that kind of a disrespectful stance especially when I'm trying to be calm I'm trying to just talk to them about it and then they blow up and makes me want to blow up right back So yeah my mistake but are honestly feel like it was just to cause me to do that so she could break up or we can break up and she can run away for a couple days and go get what she needed somewhere else and then come right back. That's what I feel like now. Don't know if it was all lie from delusional or what but everything I've read on here it all speaks to me so much that I honestly I really feel like I was lied to the entire time I was made to believe something that was never true This girl told me she loved me like 3 months in and I honestly felt it before that but I really think it was all just a facade now for her We found each other and we were broken pieces everywhere we started putting our lives together picking everything up putting ourselves back together and we felt more complete than anything is the way I saw our lives up until a year and a half into it though it was for me even with the little small breakups and stuff it was amazing It wouldn't trade it for the world soon as I found out I had cancer though guys It broke me I wasn't working I wasn't doing anything for myself and yeah that I regret I regret not just telling her right away because looking back now it may have helped but I doubt she would even cared She probably would have broke up with me then is how I feel now. But I never told her until almost 3 weeks after we broke up. The 17th of this month was my birthday my 38th birthday The day after is her 3-year-olds 3-year birthday. Which I didn't get to go to even though that little girl calls me dada loves me like there's no tomorrow and I love that little girl so so much she was like she was my daughter shortly after I found out I had cancer I was taking care of that little girl not working but taking care of her all day everyday for months in my house with her living here and my girlfriend living here while she worked. Then she's sitting here telling me griping at me that I need to get back working by about she can't be the only one working but then if I did that we wouldn't had a babysitter We would have nowhere for "Our daughter" She always insisted when I would say her daughter because she has a lot of hateful feelings towards her baby daddy. The other thing I forgot to mention is the fact that about 2 years into our relationship she went through a pretty major surgery for herself No one was there for her except for me I sat with her through the whole thing waited for her at the hospital I waited on her hand and foot at my place of living She laid in my bed took care of her gave her everything she needed and would do it again in a heartbeat The point is that I was there stood by her side took care of her in every way I needed to every way I could. In the first part of our relationship all the way through I'd say the first half She was always constantly wondering if I had eaten today or if I needed food or if I wanted her to cook me anything or I mean would she selflessly would do every single time she was happy to do it She loved doing it She loved being at the hotel and me coming home to a cooked meal how she would do it in her bra and underwear because just for shits and giggles you know She was the most sexually appetizing person I've been in with in my entire life number one and from day one of our relationship I never saw any other female on this planet My eyes never strayed not once they only saw her She was my everything. Fellas tell me when you fell in love If you ever felt the same because I know for me there was another woman on this planet that could ever even have compared to my woman she was so sexy so incredibly just mesmerizing for me and having her in my arms I felt complete I felt like a man I felt like I would move to heaven and earth for this woman and I was trying doing everything I could and it always just seemed like our little stupid spats and our bickering was so much more to her than it was to me because she would always end up leaving and going to her sisters. Her sister was and is so incredibly damaging for her mental state that I'm surprised that this woman has not killed herself yet She has no movement in her own life she's a stay-at-home girlfriend for her boyfriend of 16 15 16 years something like that and she is about a cow about 300 lb heifer that has always been jealous of anything the little sister gets that makes her happy that makes her have a better life than what big sister has then big sister has to sit there and destroy little sisters mental state just to bring her back down so she can feel good about her own self So anytime she ever went back there that's exactly what happened Big sister would just tear her down and break her down and it's just sick and that's where I think first mistake for us ever went was allowing her to move in there because as soon as she did seem like everything started going downhill and that's when I started finding things out about how much she was actually lying to me about stupid silly little things because her brother in-law and sister would talk to her about our relationship at night when they're all home together or whenever and they'd be giving her advice when these two are alcoholics they will not ever get married even though they've been together forever but this is just to not lose social security crap it's ridiculous there's a real fear of commitment between the two and a lot of damage between the two and it just fed right into my woman's head and I'm really truly believe it loud it her to be severely poisoned cuz she started turning into a completely different person but yet I still loved her like the day I first met her I still looked at her exactly the same I still do to this day even though she won't have anything to do with me for whatever reason I don't know I never got a reason but after everything we've been through I honestly felt like every time she made me promise never to leave her every time she made me the promise that she would never leave me no matter what blah blah blah I feel like it was all just a game to her now and a game to her family because my woman was the child that was traded off when things got too stressful for Mom she was the kid that was sent to the hospital to you know being the mental ward because it was just too tough for Mom to cope with having two kids and being as destroyed of a person as she is So of course that's led to a lot of emotional damages for my woman and for that entire family It's led to alcoholism and the other side of the family with her sister and her mom being best friends they hang out all day long and it's about the worst family situation you could think of but sadly she will still choose her family over anybody at the end of the day even though they don't choose her like that It breaks my heart to watch honestly the best thing she could do is cut them off from her life but there is a lot of times that she needed them there because she had no other option is what she felt instead of when we fought going there honestly alsoever wanted her to do is just calm down and instead of leaving stay here choose me over that bullshit fight choose me over the fucking nonsense of everything because at the end of the day none of it mattered to me I always forgave her for everything not because I wanted to be the doormat or because I allowed myself to be the doormat but because when I grew up I grew up in a Christian family That's what we do if we fight we work shit through I may not be the best Christian in the world but I know the values that I have in my family were not the same as hers they traded her off when times got tough they never showed her unconditional love so she doesn't even know how to unconditionally love her own children and it's really sad cuz honestly to this day I feel like that little girl would choose me over her own mother and that breaks my heart for her. I realize I've been rambling on for a while now but this one really doesn't sit right with me guys I've never had any issues with any breakup since this one and I know the mental state she was in when she made it and made this choice but the way she did it just recently after having promised her yet again and her promising me that we would never leave each other and to always fight for the relationship. She comes over about a 3 weeks ago we have sex been seen each other in a few days few days prior to that we went and took "our daughter" to her dentist appointment she had to be knocked out at and did great through who'd she want afterwards after she woke up me Not her mom just me to comfort her. So being the dad that I am of course I did that I gave her the comfort she needed we had a great day together but it was short-lived. My girl's been in such a bad spot mentally but she refused to talk to me about it I could never get her to open up and yes I did a lot of things wrong because I was always trying to fix her or trying to help her through it is how I see it She saw it as me trying to fix her and she said I don't need to be fixed. But I know I didn't see it that way and that may have been my mistake because she wasn't looking for advice or whatever on how to try to help her through it but she just wanted somebody to listen to her which I did I can repeat everything she's ever told me about an issue word for word I can almost predict in my head I can sit there and say okay what's she going to say. And then I can literally as she's saying it out loud I can pretty well determine already know what she's going to say while listening though just to make sure I don't miss anything It ends up being the same thing every time and it's always all about her family's issues and things going on between them. It's been this way for the last year and a half probably since she moved in there now just before this breakup she had been for a couple months looking for place for us to go cuz I want out of where I'm at now and she obviously wanted out of there and so she was supposedly looking for it for a place to go That was ours because I got a new job I sat here and prayed for a new job that I had applied for and they just weren't moving fast enough or something I guess because like 4 days before she broke up with me they called and I started working I was so happy I got back in that truck I was doing it for her for us for me for those girls everything was going the way I had invisioned it going. Then like I said two days go by she came over spend some time together We had a little quickie and then we went to her appointment with the psych doctor couple days later she breaks up with me This is how I wake up the next morning after being at work all night long in my tow truck to a text message and I'm blocked on everything every single social media outlet every everything that we had together online I'm just blocked. Knowing the mental state she was in I was like what the hell is going on now I got a short text message that said something like I can't do this anymore This is after going through her girl parts being taken out being with her the entire time waiting on her hand and foot this is after saving her daughter because her drunk ass sister drove home from their mothers house while watching the like 5-month-old baby at the time and ran the car into the fucking house in the middle of the night and we were both working shoot while she was watching her That's why she was watching her So of course I get a phone call she can't leave work and she's freaking out because her daughter was just in the car that just slammed into the house and did thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars worth of damage So what happens This guy goes and rescues the child and keeps the child with him the entire rest of my work night until mom gets off work there's lots of reasons that this woman has loved me completely and tried so hard and there's lots of reasons why I've loved her as completely as I could and tried so hard and tried getting back on track now I used her in those kids and myself to get me back to a point where I could even start to function again after finding out I had cancer and not knowing how to tell her or anybody and what hurts the most is the fact that she just gave up and just blindsided me with all of this if I feel like and it kills me but this is what I had to do because of her putting all her walls up and just stonewalling me with everything and knowing the fact that even on her Facebook she chose to not put family photos of us for up there but to put every other photo of that entire time together on there even ones that she had taken separately with just her and her girls making it look like nobody else was there the entire time She just failed to include the you know few pictures she took all of us. Which are now deleted off her phone obviously cuz she deleted everything of us together She always does that She always does it just deletes them because she never had any good memories as a child so she has an inability to just keep that stuff because it's painful to her now for some reason even if it was a happy memory She doesn't like those happy memories cuz those are painful that they're not going to happen anymore so she just erases everything and gets rid of it because it's easier for her while I'm not that type of person I'm a sentimental person I keep everything So of course when she goes gets her mind off track whatever I start to be sweet and send her you know our pictures together and things because I know she's already done deleted them which gets her nine times out of 10 and gets her right back to where she needs to be and realizing that I'm there for her that I I want her I choose her and I choose to do this together well not this time She completely stonewalled me wouldn't even respond to me for days and it was literally out of the blue So I'm freaking out because I'm thinking she's going to go hurt herself which she's tried to do a few times and she just reapped on all her medication the last time she tried to hurt herself that's what had happened She took all of her medication and thank God nothing happened but now she had you know six new bottles of pills which would have done it so I was scared for her life honestly. So I was literally just freaking out day after day night after night and all while having to work at night now with this new job in the truck that I was freaking out because I couldn't see her in my passenger seat anymore and then I was seeing her and then I was worrying about her and I was concentrating more on her than I was even able to do my job like I said I had to give it up even though I sat there and prayed for her prayed for myself to pray to get the job and it was literally a blessing because they created the position for me they didn't need to fill a position they created it for me I've been doing this job for well over 10 years of my career and I'm damn good at it Just not right now and so for the last month after everything that I found out everything that it's been said This is what I had to do guys and I I can't regret it I can't feel any type of way about it but I've been pushing and pushing and pushing on purpose because I know she's not coming back no matter what That's the way she feels but once I stop trying to fight for the relationship to fight for her and fight for those kids I know she's going to start to feel the feelings of losing me and it's going to start getting into her head so I knew if I stopped talking to her that's what would happen and she would try to slide right back into my life a month later whenever however it would happen she would come back eventually and I'm not going to be in a new place in my life where I would allow her to do that I can't So what I did was I pushed on purpose not only because she made me promise to do it but because I knew it's what needed to happen because I needed my mental state to be better and it's not right now I'm a wreck right now because of this woman because of losing this woman cuz I honestly felt like she's the one person on this planet that I would never let go. So my life is just turned into a fucking wreck on a wreck on a wreck because of her vindictive nature her mean-spirited bullshit when she gets mad She doesn't not have a filter so she uses her daughter against me how's it feel no that you'll never see "her daughter" ever again trying to dig into my heart and just cause more pain This is the type of stuff she would say to me That would just break me down to nothing. I've literally been in tears since the breakup and before that because I I think I kind of knew it was coming but I was just so depressed that I couldn't do anything I would cry every night even a month before we were broken up I would cry every night just cuz I missed her I missed her being next to me but that was her own fault that was her own doing She lied put words in my roommate's mouth that were never there and she couldn't apologize She could not be an adult and apologize to him and then it would have been fine She would have been a loud back at the house She would been able to come see me but she just is not the adult that I thought she was or that she used to be before when we first got together and and I don't understand what happened I can't see where it all just went so terribly wrong except for her moving in with her family. It has been the greatest experience of my life loving this woman but at the same time in the end it has been so destructive so I had to make sure that she would never come back So for the last month I've been pestering her coming at her yelling at her calling her all these names in the book and just destroying anything she ever had for me because I won't let her back into my life I can't cuz I know if I do it will be the death of me so I'm choosing me over the love of my life. The woman that I have lived for for this past three fucking years of my life given everything to worked my ass off so I could fucking just keep going the next day to provide what I could for us as a family mind you have paid for everything every waking moment for the first year and a half of our lives because she didn't have a job She didn't work so I paid for everything and that's everything we needed for the baby as well. That couldn't get bought with food stamps. Literally drained every bit of funds that I had saved up everything Just took me for a rollercoaster ride through hell but I chose me I choose me now And hopefully the apartment that she was finding for us the one that she supposedly went to Once she supposedly is at now I hope her I wish her all the best but I had to sit here and destroy any chances of ever being with the woman that I still to this day want because I know she comes back crawling back I knew that I would take her back in a heartbeat and I just can't do it so I had to get it done and over with for me for her for everybody because I won't be hurt like that I won't be disrespected like that I won't be turned into a monster because she tears me down with her hateful little remarks and digs into my heart that are totally unnecessary when I'm being everything I can try to be and be sweet for her She literally anytime I would try to be sweet would turn it into something it's not telling me I'm manipulating her telling me I'm doing this I'm doing that well okay so that's what I'll do That's what I thought and that's exactly what I did If I'm the monster let me know cuz I feel like it honestly but I know it's for the best. To my little blue sundress princess, the love of my life I'm Sorry I had to do what I did sweetheart I'll always love you no matter what babe Just can't have you walk back into my life and and destroy everything that I build from here on out because I'll end up killing myself and I don't want that to happen so this is goodbye even though I know you'll never read this. Just know that I see you everywhere in every place I go there's memories that flood back to me everyday that are amazing or that are bad or that are just that their memories they will fade eventually hopefully but for now they are still too real for me to just forget like seems like you want to do by going out there and supposedly live in your best life faking it just to make it for the rest of the world being that strong independent woman with that attitude exactly even though I know you're sad inside I know you just buried those feelings All the love you had for me and you're lying to yourself but that's on you now I tried I really really tried to get you to understand that that's where we were headed was the life we wanted so sorry I asked you to choose me and love me for me instead of love me for what I had or didn't have. I'm sorry I needed to do this or even felt like I needed to do this cuz I will always love you no matter what, But now my life is going to be for me and for me only for its remainder because you gave up the fight and I ended it.

So this is going to be a long story, but a very intriguing one (or so my friends say). Bear with me and if you could offer some advice on what to do please share. I know I'm probably just young and naive but I feel like the pain will never stop. Like I'm going to always be held back by this particular experience.
Also sorry for any grammatical or spelling errors, English isn't my first language.
So all of this begins October of 2022 when I 18 M (at the time) moved to a new city to study film. I was lucky enough to have good grades and be so passionate about this art that it kind of felt incredible to have this new beginning. I rented a small house which I decorated with my collections and all my stuff and ended up loving every second spend in it.
I'm Not very social. Thats just a fact. I've always had my school friends and some people from other activities but none of them really felt like they understood me. No sade to them, I really love them, it's just that I know my hobbies and personality are niece and weird so we don't always see eye to eye. So I wanted to overcome my social anxiety and meet new people.
For the first semester I was all alone. Completely. Spent days upon days without leaving my house if I didn't have school and even didn't have any actual human interaction if not necessary. I didn't realise how much I was hurting myself. The Second semester, someone approached me in school and asked if I could help them with the editing for their final movie, let's call him Jacob 18 M. I already was searching for a group project to join in order to pass the class so this felt like a sweet deal. The group was Jacob and 2 girls, let's call them Ellie 18 F and Hannah 18 F.
With time we started talking about more then just the movie. I was really surprised by how many things we had in common. It was the first time someone I met liked musical theatre or (and this is gonna sound sad, please don't judge me) people didn't want me to leave whenever I approached them. They invited me to things, to their homes and after school and to trips at the beach ect. We were together almost every day. Till late at night or through it. Just the 4 of us. Felt like we could rule the world.
One day i thought Ellie was flirting with me. That was a weird feeling. I'm not very good looking and had a lot of extra weight so that was pretty much the first time but my friends told me that was the case from what I was describing. I mentioned it to Jacob and he told me something I didn't expect. He told me him and Ellie were in an open relationship and were hiding it from everyone except Hannah because of his ex who was in school with us. He also confessed he once had a crush on me and that's why he approached me in the first place. He also saw Ellie flirting with me but was ok with it due to the "rules of their relationship".
I was ok with not having a romantic relationship with Ellie. She would actually become one of the closest friends I've ever had. Or so I thought.
I actually started having a crush on Hannah. She loved some of the movies I loved. Had some of my quirks so I didn't feel ashamed around her and she started watching my favourite tv show with me. During our time together everyone (even her sister and Jacob who found out I liked her) told us that when we were together we could only see each other. As if we had a unique way of communication that nobody else could understand.
I confessed my crush and she told me she felt the same way but that there where 2 problems. First that she gets very anxious about relationships, has only ever been to one and had never kissed anyone. I assured her I wasn't going to pressure anything and I only cared for her and wanted to go on a date sometime. She replied she would like that very much. The second problem she confessed was that she was in love with Jacob for months now but nobody knew. Then everything made sense. The things she did for him and all. How she acted around him. I was surprised I didn't notice it before. She told me she wanted to get over it and proceed to ask to kiss me. We kissed a lot but nothing more that night. She went home after a few hours.
The next day Hannah she felt very distant. We wanted to go to the movies with Ellie but she disappeared all day. Late at night she asked my to go for a walk since we lived near each other. Then she told me she wanted to forget everything and last night was a mistake. That her anxiety has gotten into her and although she really wanted a relationship she couldn't be in one. The next few days we talked again and she said she didn't share any of this with Jacob to have someone in the group I could talk to if I needed help. Ellie was that for her.
It was already summer so we all went to our home towns. I missed her a ton. We stilled talked and the other 2 knew something was off with me. About 2 moths later we all went to Hannah's summerhouse for vacation. We were having fun, getting drunk and all that 19-year old stuff. One night me and Hannah were watching my show together and the time felt right so I asked to kiss her. She told me no and finally told me the truth. Turns out she liked that we flirted but after kissing me she realised it wasn't anything more. Also everyone knew except me. But after all this time I had realised I was in love with this girl. I told her if she could keep all of this to herself and she said yes.
We were all still friends. But I couldn't let go. My mental health began to decent and I started feeling like they would leave me out of stuff to go hang out alone and during October I tried talking some time away to see if they would even talk to me if I didn't. They didn't even say good morning once. I tried again and again. Jacob and Ellie said we all need to talk together. They repeated the same words. Like as if it was rehearsed. I went to "the talk".
Jacob did most of the talking. He talked about boundaries and how after everything between me and Hannah the group hasn't been the same. That after I didn't tell him what happened in our vacation they went to her and forced Hannah to do so. They where all attacking me. I heard lie after lie and all followed up with "we just need some time" and that all of this was cause they loved me.
I have discussed what they accused me of with friends, family and therapists. Although I didn't not believe it at first they all confirmed it was finding little details in my day-to-day behaviour (unrelated to all of the above) and using it to kick me out. They didn't intend of even speaking to me again. Lies feed to everyone by Jacob.
I went away. I don't know if it was for the better. But for a few weeks at first and then months later, I went back to my home town. Their lies became actual blame and I got a message from Ellie saying that we are done (just one month after trying to convince me they needed time and confessing she in particular didn't even notice anything until her boyfriend accused me).
Last time I saw any of them was in December when I gave Hannah her Christmas present. I told her I wasn't trying to get her back and I would continue to keep my distance since my first priority is what she wants and I meant that. I really do love her and would do anything for her to be happy. But I miss her a ton.
It's been 5 months since then. I stopped going to school and kept my distance from anyone related to that life. I have depression and cannot think about anything else. I heard that Jacob still talk shut about me to everyone. I have realised what has happened and have discussed this with multiple common friends who have confirmed this. Jacob is Manipulating the other 2 because of the bad relationship with his parents. He knows Ellie won't do anything with anyone else despite the "open" relationship due to her luck of confidence (so it only works for him). She need him to operate in public and to deal with her extreme anxiety so he takes advantage of that and Hannah follows him everywhere with the excuse of just being a good friend.
There are so many things I couldn't include (this is a hugh post already) about more lies and proof that they where bad for me. But I can't move on. I have seeked medical help but I just cant imagine my life in the future without them. Everything is a reminder of what we've been through. Jacob used to call me his family and when I begged him for our friendship back he didn't even care. Not on my birthday, not on new years... never. I lost all of them.
I'm back now. Not sure why, whether I'm back to continue my studies or to see if I could win them back. If I could have Hannah in my life in sime form. But I'll probably see them tomorrow morning (I randomly walked behind them today, don't think they noticed me).
Please if you have any advice share it. I just want to feel happy again. Even for a second.
TL,DR: The girl I'm in love with stopped talking to me along with my 2 best friends. I can't move on and I'm supposed to face them again in school after not seeing them for months. They all lied to me and nothing seem to help. I have depression and I dont want to feel like this for the rest of my life.

Hi guys,
I am in a weird spot right now. I'm going to give you a summation of the events that led me here
1st GF left me and came back to me (5x) -> We finally break-up -> Met my 2nd girlfriend -> It was fantastic -> 5 months in I discovered that she lied about 95% of everything -> I forgave her -> We lasted for 11 more months -> Over the course of those 11 months, I was already deteriorating but I stayed because I loved her -> She said that she is also unhappy and unfulfilled because of our relationship [LDR] -> I break up with her because she deserves someone better, even though I loved her very much -> Met this girl Liked her for 2 months Formally met each other when our friend group drank together Found out she had a boyfriend Talked as friends They break up We hit it off Do couple things Ex comes back Ghosts me Sleeps with him I ask her if she's going to ghost me again and go back with him She says no-> Christmas break Ghosts me Went through a phase -> Met another girl We hit it off I found out she then slept with another guy hours before meeting up with me -> I left Stalked my "classmate's" Instagram they are now officially together [She and her ex] Try to cut her off We became blockmates We became groupmates Now..I am checkmate -> I try to ignore her, can't as we're always put closer for some reason -> I try to work it out with her -> She does something fckd up [Rinse and repeat x infinity] -> I bit the bullet and reached out again I drove her We talked -> Asked her if she wants us to just keep ignoring each other She says no -> We talk for a couple of days She ghosts me again I see her everyday as not only is she in my class, but we're in the same group -> Now, I am here.
So.. what is "here". Well, I realized that I was being toxic to myself. I have some serious issues. I hated being myself. I hated being alone. I can't open up to my friends and family as I didn't want to burden them, I have longed believed that I should only open to my "partner" about my issues, as I know I am not a burden to her. Ever since I was a fat sixteen-year-old kid, I have always wanted to experience having a girlfriend. Someone for myself. Someone to go on dates with, Someone to take cute pictures with, Someone to hold hands with while walking around/home, someone to cuddle with, Someone to go home to and just cuddle after a long day of school, Someone to take care of me when I'm sick, Someone to rest my head unto when I am tired. Those kinds of things. And though I have had 2 exes, both long-term [1st =13 months & 2nd =16 Months], So even though I have had girlfriends, I never really got to experience having a girlfriend. I was in a relationship with my phone as both of them were LDRs. So when I met my classmate, I thought that it was finally my chance to have something "Easy". To finally experience the things that I have long wanted to experience and in a sense..I did. Little did I know that.. that cute girl with glasses was about to treat me the worst. That's why I kept jumping from one girl to another. Cause I wanted someone to "unload" my issues to. I wanted someone to listen to me and then hug me afterward.
It took me 21 years to realize that.. that was stupid.
I shouldn't depend on other people for my peace and happiness and to fix me. I needed to learn how to be self-sufficient. Yes, I am used to being alone, because of my LDRs, but I was never really okay with it. I just acted like I was because I had no choice.
Now I am trying to be okay with it.
I ghosted everyone. I ignored all of my friends' messages and requests to go out. I want to be content while being alone. That's why the moment we get dismissed from class, I immediately leave so I can be alone. I don't want to hang out with my friends as I don't want to bring the mood down cause I can't be my normal jolly self, and I know as well that .. going out with them is just a bandaid solution. Yes, I'll be happy when I'm with them, but the moment I go home and I am alone.. Everything will rush in and break me. I don't want that. I want to rejoin them when I am fully okay. I don't want to rush into another relationship or girl again, as I don't want a repeat of what happened. I don't want to meet another girl as I will eventually fck it up again by being too volatile and by just acting too fast and just start unloading my baggage.
It has been 2-3 weeks since I last spoke to any of my friends. I have been going out and hanging out by myself for those 2-3 weeks. And.. this is the tricky part.
I seriously have no idea where I am. When I zone out, I don't cry anymore, but I am nowhere near happy. It doesn't hurt as much anymore not because I am doing better, but because I got numb. When I'm alone, I think about my ex and my classmate all the time, but this time it doesn't immediately break me. It just makes my chest tingle a little bit.
To be honest, I am scared. As I don't know how to let people in anymore. I don't know when to go back. A part of me is telling to me to go back now, but a part of me is saying I am not ready. The thing is I don't know when I'll be ready. Here's the thing too, when it's daytime I just distract myself by sleeping and working, and it doesn't feel as painful. Yes, I still get a little "When will I have that ..?" Whenever I see couples around me, but not as painful. But when it's nighttime.. when I no longer have enough energy to work. As I lie on my bed, I realize how "alone" I am as I have no one to end my day with. But the fucked up thing is , during the day I have almost no interest to talk to anyone. I actually don't reply as fast as I used to. Before, I'll reply as soon as I have the chance. Now, i'll reply like 6-10 hours later, not on purpose or anything.. I just don't feel like it, I don't know why [For real tho, can someone explain that..?]/ I want someone to be there for me, but after the past few weeks, I am afraid that they might not have space in my life anymore. Cause to be honest with you, cringe.. but when I'm sitting alone, a part of me wishes that someone would follow me and sit beside me. I've wanted that for years now. But I am slowly smothering that dream out.
I know I can't stay like this. I want to be better. I want to get out.
I just don't know how.
I want to be self-sufficient. I want to be happy and content on my own so when the time comes that I let someone inside again, when they inevitably do something fckd up, I won't hurt as much as I can manage on my own.
I want that.
But I know that I can't stay like this forever, and I don't know if I'm making progress or not. When I'm alone, things don't hurt as much, but when I see my classmate in class.. When I see her texting on her phone as the message I left a week ago remains inboxed I get pissed off. I don't know why. I know this looks like me putting all the blame on my classmate, and yes, she did do the most amount of damage in the smallest window of time. But to be fair, it was my fault as well. As a part of me kinda wanted to use her a way of getting over my issues that I have faced since I was a kid and from my 2 exes. Again, little did I know that Instead of helping me get back on my feet, she'll deal the coupe de grace that will make me kill the past version of myself. She isn't the sole reason as to why I have broken down, but she did do enough damage to kill me 25 times over, She was just the last straw to break the camel's back..but boy what a straw she was.
I still want to have a girlfriend, I still want someone to be there for me when I get home from school. I still want someone to call before I go to sleep, but I know I'm afraid to risk it, cause maybe I am not ready yet and I might rush and fuck it up again, so I shut myself out until I am sure that I am ready. But i know to myself that there's a huge possibility that I'll never be ready and one day I'll be surprised that 2 years have past and I am still in the same spot and I am still alone. This puts me in a loop as shutting myself down also shuts down any chance of me getting one.
See why I am so fckd?
Ugh I'm a mess, but I am not stupid enough to be delusional and think that I can do this on my own. I need some help guys.
sorry for the long entry, Love y'all.

[Disclaimer ; Going to be a bit long and cringe]
Hi guys,
I am in a weird spot right now. I'm going to give you a summation of the events that led me here
1st GF left me and came back to me (5x) -> We finally break-up -> Met my 2nd girlfriend -> It was fantastic -> 5 months in I discovered that she lied about 95% of everything -> I forgave her -> We lasted for 11 more months -> Over the course of those 11 months, I was already deteriorating but I stayed because I loved her -> She said that she is also unhappy and unfulfilled because of our relationship [LDR] -> I break up with her because she deserves someone better, even though I loved her very much -> Met this girl Liked her for 2 months Formally met each other when our friend group drank together Found out she had a boyfriend Talked as friends They break up We hit it off Do couple things Ex comes back Ghosts me Sleeps with him I ask her if she's going to ghost me again and go back with him She says no-> Christmas break Ghosts me Went through a phase -> Met another girl We hit it off I found out she then slept with another guy hours before meeting up with me -> I left Stalked my "classmate's" Instagram they are now officially together [She and her ex] Try to cut her off We became blockmates We became groupmates Now..I am checkmate -> I try to ignore her, can't as we're always put closer for some reason -> I try to work it out with her -> She does something fckd up [Rinse and repeat x infinity] -> I bit the bullet and reached out again I drove her We talked -> Asked her if she wants us to just keep ignoring each other She says no -> We talk for a couple of days She ghosts me again I see her everyday as not only is she in my class, but we're in the same group -> Now, I am here.
So.. what is "here". Well, I realized that I was being toxic to myself. I have some serious issues. I hated being myself. I hated being alone. I can't open up to my friends and family as I didn't want to burden them, I have longed believed that I should only open to my "partner" about my issues, as I know I am not a burden to her. Ever since I was a fat sixteen-year-old kid, I have always wanted to experience having a girlfriend. Someone for myself. Someone to go on dates with, Someone to take cute pictures with, Someone to hold hands with while walking around/home, someone to cuddle with, Someone to go home to and just cuddle after a long day of school, Someone to take care of me when I'm sick, Someone to rest my head unto when I am tired. Those kinds of things. And though I have had 2 exes, both long-term [1st =13 months & 2nd =16 Months], So even though I have had girlfriends, I never really got to experience having a girlfriend. I was in a relationship with my phone as both of them were LDRs. So when I met my classmate, I thought that it was finally my chance to have something "Easy". To finally experience the things that I have long wanted to experience and in a sense..I did. Little did I know that.. that cute girl with glasses was about to treat me the worst. That's why I kept jumping from one girl to another. Cause I wanted someone to "unload" my issues to. I wanted someone to listen to me and then hug me afterward.
It took me 21 years to realize that.. that was stupid.
I shouldn't depend on other people for my peace and happiness and to fix me. I needed to learn how to be self-sufficient. Yes, I am used to being alone, because of my LDRs, but I was never really okay with it. I just acted like I was because I had no choice.
Now I am trying to be okay with it.
I ghosted everyone. I ignored all of my friends' messages and requests to go out. I want to be content while being alone. That's why the moment we get dismissed from class, I immediately leave so I can be alone. I don't want to hang out with my friends as I don't want to bring the mood down cause I can't be my normal jolly self, and I know as well that .. going out with them is just a bandaid solution. Yes, I'll be happy when I'm with them, but the moment I go home and I am alone.. Everything will rush in and break me. I don't want that. I want to rejoin them when I am fully okay. I don't want to rush into another relationship or girl again, as I don't want a repeat of what happened. I don't want to meet another girl as I will eventually fck it up again by being too volatile and by just acting too fast and just start unloading my baggage.
It has been 2-3 weeks since I last spoke to any of my friends. I have been going out and hanging out by myself for those 2-3 weeks. And.. this is the tricky part.
I seriously have no idea where I am. When I zone out, I don't cry anymore, but I am nowhere near happy. It doesn't hurt as much anymore not because I am doing better, but because I got numb. When I'm alone, I think about my ex and my classmate all the time, but this time it doesn't immediately break me. It just makes my chest tingle a little bit.
To be honest, I am scared. As I don't know how to let people in anymore. I don't know when to go back. A part of me is telling to me to go back now, but a part of me is saying I am not ready. The thing is I don't know when I'll be ready. Here's the thing too, when it's daytime I just distract myself by sleeping and working, and it doesn't feel as painful. Yes, I still get a little "When will I have that ..?" Whenever I see couples around me, but not as painful. But when it's nighttime.. when I no longer have enough energy to work. As I lie on my bed, I realize how "alone" I am as I have no one to end my day with. But the fucked up thing is , during the day I have almost no interest to talk to anyone. I actually don't reply as fast as I used to. Before, I'll reply as soon as I have the chance. Now, i'll reply like 6-10 hours later, not on purpose or anything.. I just don't feel like it, I don't know why [For real tho, can someone explain that..?]/ I want someone to be there for me, but after the past few weeks, I am afraid that they might not have space in my life anymore. Cause to be honest with you, cringe.. but when I'm sitting alone, a part of me wishes that someone would follow me and sit beside me. I've wanted that for years now. But I am slowly smothering that dream out.
I know I can't stay like this. I want to be better. I want to get out.
I just don't know how.
I want to be self-sufficient. I want to be happy and content on my own so when the time comes that I let someone inside again, when they inevitably do something fckd up, I won't hurt as much as I can manage on my own.
I want that.
But I know that I can't stay like this forever, and I don't know if I'm making progress or not. When I'm alone, things don't hurt as much, but when I see my classmate in class.. When I see her texting on her phone as the message I left a week ago remains inboxed I get pissed off. I don't know why. I know this looks like me putting all the blame on my classmate, and yes, she did do the most amount of damage in the smallest window of time. But to be fair, it was my fault as well. As a part of me kinda wanted to use her a way of getting over my issues that I have faced since I was a kid and from my 2 exes. Again, little did I know that Instead of helping me get back on my feet, she'll deal the coupe de grace that will make me kill the past version of myself. She isn't the sole reason as to why I have broken down, but she did do enough damage to kill me 25 times over, She was just the last straw to break the camel's back..but boy what a straw she was.
I still want to have a girlfriend, I still want someone to be there for me when I get home from school. I still want someone to call before I go to sleep, but I know I'm afraid to risk it, cause maybe I am not ready yet and I might rush and fuck it up again, so I shut myself out until I am sure that I am ready. But i know to myself that there's a huge possibility that I'll never be ready and one day I'll be surprised that 2 years have past and I am still in the same spot and I am still alone. This puts me in a loop as shutting myself down also shuts down any chance of me getting one.
See why I am so fckd?
Ugh I'm a mess, but I am not stupid enough to be delusional and think that I can do this on my own. I need some help guys.
sorry for the long entry, Love y'all.

[Disclaimer ; Going to be a bit long and cringe]
Hi guys,
I am in a weird spot right now. I'm going to give you a summation of the events that led me here
1st GF left me and came back to me (5x) -> We finally break-up -> Met my 2nd girlfriend -> It was fantastic -> 5 months in I discovered that she lied about 95% of everything -> I forgave her -> We lasted for 11 more months -> Over the course of those 11 months, I was already deteriorating but I stayed because I loved her -> She said that she is also unhappy and unfulfilled because of our relationship [LDR] -> I break up with her because she deserves someone better, even though I loved her very much -> Met this girl Liked her for 2 months Formally met each other when our friend group drank together Found out she had a boyfriend Talked as friends They break up We hit it off Do couple things Ex comes back Ghosts me Sleeps with him I ask her if she's going to ghost me again and go back with him She says no-> Christmas break Ghosts me Went through a phase -> Met another girl We hit it off I found out she then slept with another guy hours before meeting up with me -> I left Stalked my "classmate's" Instagram they are now officially together [She and her ex] Try to cut her off We became blockmates We became groupmates Now..I am checkmate -> I try to ignore her, can't as we're always put closer for some reason -> I try to work it out with her -> She does something fckd up [Rinse and repeat x infinity] -> I bit the bullet and reached out again I drove her We talked -> Asked her if she wants us to just keep ignoring each other She says no -> We talk for a couple of days She ghosts me again I see her everyday as not only is she in my class, but we're in the same group -> Now, I am here.
So.. what is "here". Well, I realized that I was being toxic to myself. I have some serious issues. I hated being myself. I hated being alone. I can't open up to my friends and family as I didn't want to burden them, I have longed believed that I should only open to my "partner" about my issues, as I know I am not a burden to her. Ever since I was a fat sixteen-year-old kid, I have always wanted to experience having a girlfriend. Someone for myself. Someone to go on dates with, Someone to take cute pictures with, Someone to hold hands with while walking around/home, someone to cuddle with, Someone to go home to and just cuddle after a long day of school, Someone to take care of me when I'm sick, Someone to rest my head unto when I am tired. Those kinds of things. And though I have had 2 exes, both long-term [1st =13 months & 2nd =16 Months], So even though I have had girlfriends, I never really got to experience having a girlfriend. I was in a relationship with my phone as both of them were LDRs. So when I met my classmate, I thought that it was finally my chance to have something "Easy". To finally experience the things that I have long wanted to experience and in a sense..I did. Little did I know that.. that cute girl with glasses was about to treat me the worst. That's why I kept jumping from one girl to another. Cause I wanted someone to "unload" my issues to. I wanted someone to listen to me and then hug me afterward.
It took me 21 years to realize that.. that was stupid.
I shouldn't depend on other people for my peace and happiness and to fix me. I needed to learn how to be self-sufficient. Yes, I am used to being alone, because of my LDRs, but I was never really okay with it. I just acted like I was because I had no choice.
Now I am trying to be okay with it.
I ghosted everyone. I ignored all of my friends' messages and requests to go out. I want to be content while being alone. That's why the moment we get dismissed from class, I immediately leave so I can be alone. I don't want to hang out with my friends as I don't want to bring the mood down cause I can't be my normal jolly self, and I know as well that .. going out with them is just a bandaid solution. Yes, I'll be happy when I'm with them, but the moment I go home and I am alone.. Everything will rush in and break me. I don't want that. I want to rejoin them when I am fully okay. I don't want to rush into another relationship or girl again, as I don't want a repeat of what happened. I don't want to meet another girl as I will eventually fck it up again by being too volatile and by just acting too fast and just start unloading my baggage.
It has been 2-3 weeks since I last spoke to any of my friends. I have been going out and hanging out by myself for those 2-3 weeks. And.. this is the tricky part.
I seriously have no idea where I am. When I zone out, I don't cry anymore, but I am nowhere near happy. It doesn't hurt as much anymore not because I am doing better, but because I got numb. When I'm alone, I think about my ex and my classmate all the time, but this time it doesn't immediately break me. It just makes my chest tingle a little bit.
To be honest, I am scared. As I don't know how to let people in anymore. I don't know when to go back. A part of me is telling to me to go back now, but a part of me is saying I am not ready. The thing is I don't know when I'll be ready. Here's the thing too, when it's daytime I just distract myself by sleeping and working, and it doesn't feel as painful. Yes, I still get a little "When will I have that ..?" Whenever I see couples around me, but not as painful. But when it's nighttime.. when I no longer have enough energy to work. As I lie on my bed, I realize how "alone" I am as I have no one to end my day with. But the fucked up thing is , during the day I have almost no interest to talk to anyone. I actually don't reply as fast as I used to. Before, I'll reply as soon as I have the chance. Now, i'll reply like 6-10 hours later, not on purpose or anything.. I just don't feel like it, I don't know why [For real tho, can someone explain that..?]/ I want someone to be there for me, but after the past few weeks, I am afraid that they might not have space in my life anymore. Cause to be honest with you, cringe.. but when I'm sitting alone, a part of me wishes that someone would follow me and sit beside me. I've wanted that for years now. But I am slowly smothering that dream out.
I know I can't stay like this. I want to be better. I want to get out.
I just don't know how.
I want to be self-sufficient. I want to be happy and content on my own so when the time comes that I let someone inside again, when they inevitably do something fckd up, I won't hurt as much as I can manage on my own.
I want that.
But I know that I can't stay like this forever, and I don't know if I'm making progress or not. When I'm alone, things don't hurt as much, but when I see my classmate in class.. When I see her texting on her phone as the message I left a week ago remains inboxed I get pissed off. I don't know why. I know this looks like me putting all the blame on my classmate, and yes, she did do the most amount of damage in the smallest window of time. But to be fair, it was my fault as well. As a part of me kinda wanted to use her a way of getting over my issues that I have faced since I was a kid and from my 2 exes. Again, little did I know that Instead of helping me get back on my feet, she'll deal the coupe de grace that will make me kill the past version of myself. She isn't the sole reason as to why I have broken down, but she did do enough damage to kill me 25 times over, She was just the last straw to break the camel's back..but boy what a straw she was.
I still want to have a girlfriend, I still want someone to be there for me when I get home from school. I still want someone to call before I go to sleep, but I know I'm afraid to risk it, cause maybe I am not ready yet and I might rush and fuck it up again, so I shut myself out until I am sure that I am ready. But i know to myself that there's a huge possibility that I'll never be ready and one day I'll be surprised that 2 years have past and I am still in the same spot and I am still alone. This puts me in a loop as shutting myself down also shuts down any chance of me getting one.
See why I am so fckd?
Ugh I'm a mess, but I am not stupid enough to be delusional and think that I can do this on my own. I need some help guys.
sorry for the long entry, Love y'all.

So this is going to be a long story, but a very intriguing one (or so my friends say). Bear with me and if you could offer some advice on what to do please share. I know I'm probably just young and naive but I feel like the pain will never stop. Like I'm going to always be held back by this particular experience.
Also sorry for any grammatical or spelling errors, English isn't my first language.
So all of this begins October of 2022 when I 18 M (at the time) moved to a new city to study film. I was lucky enough to have good grades and be so passionate about this art that it kind of felt incredible to have this new beginning. I rented a small house which I decorated with my collections and all my stuff and ended up loving every second spend in it.
I'm Not very social. Thats just a fact. I've always had my school friends and some people from other activities but none of them really felt like they understood me. No sade to them, I really love them, it's just that I know my hobbies and personality are niece and weird so we don't always see eye to eye. So I wanted to overcome my social anxiety and meet new people.
For the first semester I was all alone. Completely. Spent days upon days without leaving my house if I didn't have school and even didn't have any actual human interaction if not necessary. I didn't realise how much I was hurting myself. The Second semester, someone approached me in school and asked if I could help them with the editing for their final movie, let's call him Jacob 18 M. I already was searching for a group project to join in order to pass the class so this felt like a sweet deal. The group was Jacob and 2 girls, let's call them Ellie 18 F and Hannah 18 F.
With time we started talking about more then just the movie. I was really surprised by how many things we had in common. It was the first time someone I met liked musical theatre or (and this is gonna sound sad, please don't judge me) people didn't want me to leave whenever I approached them. They invited me to things, to their homes and after school and to trips at the beach ect. We were together almost every day. Till late at night or through it. Just the 4 of us. Felt like we could rule the world.
One day i thought Ellie was flirting with me. That was a weird feeling. I'm not very good looking and had a lot of extra weight so that was pretty much the first time but my friends told me that was the case from what I was describing. I mentioned it to Jacob and he told me something I didn't expect. He told me him and Ellie were in an open relationship and were hiding it from everyone except Hannah because of his ex who was in school with us. He also confessed he once had a crush on me and that's why he approached me in the first place. He also saw Ellie flirting with me but was ok with it due to the "rules of their relationship".
I was ok with not having a romantic relationship with Ellie. She would actually become one of the closest friends I've ever had. Or so I thought.
I actually started having a crush on Hannah. She loved some of the movies I loved. Had some of my quirks so I didn't feel ashamed around her and she started watching my favourite tv show with me. During our time together everyone (even her sister and Jacob who found out I liked her) told us that when we were together we could only see each other. As if we had a unique way of communication that nobody else could understand.
I confessed my crush and she told me she felt the same way but that there where 2 problems. First that she gets very anxious about relationships, has only ever been to one and had never kissed anyone. I assured her I wasn't going to pressure anything and I only cared for her and wanted to go on a date sometime. She replied she would like that very much. The second problem she confessed was that she was in love with Jacob for months now but nobody knew. Then everything made sense. The things she did for him and all. How she acted around him. I was surprised I didn't notice it before. She told me she wanted to get over it and proceed to ask to kiss me. We kissed a lot but nothing more that night. She went home after a few hours.
The next day Hannah she felt very distant. We wanted to go to the movies with Ellie but she disappeared all day. Late at night she asked my to go for a walk since we lived near each other. Then she told me she wanted to forget everything and last night was a mistake. That her anxiety has gotten into her and although she really wanted a relationship she couldn't be in one. The next few days we talked again and she said she didn't share any of this with Jacob to have someone in the group I could talk to if I needed help. Ellie was that for her.
It was already summer so we all went to our home towns. I missed her a ton. We stilled talked and the other 2 knew something was off with me. About 2 moths later we all went to Hannah's summerhouse for vacation. We were having fun, getting drunk and all that 19-year old stuff. One night me and Hannah were watching my show together and the time felt right so I asked to kiss her. She told me no and finally told me the truth. Turns out she liked that we flirted but after kissing me she realised it wasn't anything more. Also everyone knew except me. But after all this time I had realised I was in love with this girl. I told her if she could keep all of this to herself and she said yes.
We were all still friends. But I couldn't let go. My mental health began to decent and I started feeling like they would leave me out of stuff to go hang out alone and during October I tried talking some time away to see if they would even talk to me if I didn't. They didn't even say good morning once. I tried again and again. Jacob and Ellie said we all need to talk together. They repeated the same words. Like as if it was rehearsed. I went to "the talk".
Jacob did most of the talking. He talked about boundaries and how after everything between me and Hannah the group hasn't been the same. That after I didn't tell him what happened in our vacation they went to her and forced Hannah to do so. They where all attacking me. I heard lie after lie and all followed up with "we just need some time" and that all of this was cause they loved me.
I have discussed what they accused me of with friends, family and therapists. Although I didn't not believe it at first they all confirmed it was finding little details in my day-to-day behaviour (unrelated to all of the above) and using it to kick me out. They didn't intend of even speaking to me again. Lies feed to everyone by Jacob.
I went away. I don't know if it was for the better. But for a few weeks at first and then months later, I went back to my home town. Their lies became actual blame and I got a message from Ellie saying that we are done (just one month after trying to convince me they needed time and confessing she in particular didn't even notice anything until her boyfriend accused me).
Last time I saw any of them was in December when I gave Hannah her Christmas present. I told her I wasn't trying to get her back and I would continue to keep my distance since my first priority is what she wants and I meant that. I really do love her and would do anything for her to be happy. But I miss her a ton.
It's been 5 months since then. I stopped going to school and kept my distance from anyone related to that life. I have depression and cannot think about anything else. I heard that Jacob still talk shut about me to everyone. I have realised what has happened and have discussed this with multiple common friends who have confirmed this. Jacob is Manipulating the other 2 because of the bad relationship with his parents. He knows Ellie won't do anything with anyone else despite the "open" relationship due to her luck of confidence (so it only works for him). She need him to operate in public and to deal with her extreme anxiety so he takes advantage of that and Hannah follows him everywhere with the excuse of just being a good friend.
There are so many things I couldn't include (this is a hugh post already) about more lies and proof that they where bad for me. But I can't move on. I have seeked medical help but I just cant imagine my life in the future without them. Everything is a reminder of what we've been through. Jacob used to call me his family and when I begged him for our friendship back he didn't even care. Not on my birthday, not on new years... never. I lost all of them.
I'm back now. Not sure why, whether I'm back to continue my studies or to see if I could win them back. If I could have Hannah in my life in sime form. But I'll probably see them tomorrow morning (I randomly walked behind them today, don't think they noticed me).
Please if you have any advice share it. I just want to feel happy again. Even for a second.
TL,DR: The girl I'm in love with stopped talking to me along with my 2 best friends. I can't move on and I'm supposed to face them again in school after not seeing them for months. They all lied to me and nothing seem to help. I have depression and I dont want to feel like this for the rest of my life.