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Ascendant Denali swept his tail across the floor. "Greetings. The New Ascendancy welcomes you and your kin, Diplomat Sommi."
The Misan creature did its equivalent of a bow, honoring him in his palace as was proper. He had been starved of respect from his surrounding powers lately and would feast upon this memory like a fine cut.
"The Misan Li Heptarchies receive your warm greetings, Ascendant Denali. We offer official congratulations on your ascent to the Trikkec throne, and the continued unification of your people. We are glad that you are regaining your prosperity, and offer additional aid to that end."
It was the perfect language of the High Dialect, with almost no imperfections on the translator's part. An expertly trained device, for sure, given the vast cavern between their respective languages. He had a translator as well working to ensure that the Diplomat heard his words correctly, and that he would know how their language distorted them to prevent any unfortunate misunderstandings.
Such things could be disastrous with certain civilizations, and Denali saw no need to make true enemies. He was strong enough to project power inside the New Ascendancy but nowhere near so outside of it. Pirates and raiders still festered upon the upper borders, and the lower borders were contested by a few minor lords who had survived the collapse of the Ascendancy. He was currently bombarding their planetary shields with asteroids and lasers.
"Aid of what sort, and with what stipulations?" Denali asked, waving an economic advisor over with a stray claw.
"Military and economic."
"Stipulations?"
"You close all business with the Alliance."
"Ah."
Denali stepped off his throne. "Diplomat, I can assume you know how valuable that relationship is to the Ascendancy? I assume you already have a plan to replace them with something better. If your plan is ready, I will have my advisors review it. If not, no further discussions are to take place."
"Do you accept their power over you, Ascendant?"
"In this galaxy, it does not matter what we accept. If a Sprilnav comes barging into your house and takes your mate in front of you, there is nothing you can do. If one of the Core Powers manages to reach us, they can do the same. There are the laws of nations, and there are those of power. The Alliance's aid, even as its darker purposes twist it, has saved millions of lives. Children eating. Families working. They have the might of two AIs behind them."
"They are far too young of a nation for you to realistically believe their abilities are this high."
"Many have made that mistake," Denali said. "They are an older nation than mine, certainly. Would you say that my nation's abilities are lower?"
"I would not."
"Then you tell lies. I am not some foolish monarch who cannot see the reality in front of him. The Alliance's aid is a tool to keep me leashed like some common lizard. But it comes with economic growth and power that fuels the New Ascendancy further. I do not believe I will overtake their growth even when the entire species is reunited. And since your borders are further away than theirs, you will have added economic costs to any aid you give, with little gain on your end."
"They influence your culture. Your people."
"They do," Denali agreed. "You are a powerful nation as well. You would do the same with your own aid, yes? And you would call for us to destroy our traditions, our religions, and our very culture. We have seen your attempts at negotation with other powers nearer to you. You are an aspiring hegemon. But the Alliance's hegemony is already established. The Grand Defense Organization is something that I might even join, when I have the military might to meet their threshold."
"Why?"
"Because when power rises, others can latch on," Denali said. "Your offer, please. I am quite interested to hear it."
The Diplomat gave him a tablet. Denali brought it up with a hologram isolated from the network. His eyes began to shine.
"You should have led with this, Diplomat."
"Ah, but I needed to see the esteemed Ascendant's viewpoint on us. It is a shame that you must bow and scrape to the Alliance. How would you like to meet them on the field of battle?"
Denali chuckled. "I would like it very much, were they a normal nation. But they are taking planet crackers from King Siran and hauling them back to their space. They have a few of their own, not just stolen from the Wisselen."
"And they are pacifist."
"But not weak, Diplomat. All that means is they will not start the fight. But as we stand now, they will finish it. And a transfer of this many ships likely comes with enormous drawbacks and conditions."
"Then let us discuss those conditions, Ascendant. I am sure something more sufficient to your tastes can be selected."
"I am glad to hear that." Denali made a table hologram that was complete with hard light compatibility. Seating for the Misan, his guards, and Denali and his guards also appeared. The table was transparent.
"I will present my documents on this, and we can discuss in greater detail how you can divest from the Alliance without significant economic damage. There are certain facets we have identified which are key to your growth: military might, industrial capacity, and social cohesion."
Denali rubbed his teeth with his claws. Several cooks came in, bringing him food. The Misan Diplomat and his entourage refused, which was expected given the vast differences in their palettes.
"Those are indeed key parts of the Alliance's aid. Do you have an answer for me which is cheaper than the exports of the Alliance?"
"Yes. We can deliver 250 billion androids capable of continuous work for 20 years, each with a 96% likelihood of continued operation at the end of this period. We are willing to deliver these for you at once, though we would only request an escort of your ships alongside our own for added diplomatic security."
"A veritable army," Denali said.
"None of which will carry or operate weapons."
"We would need to verify that before shipping," Denali said. "As we would need to do for the price. The Alliance demands 1% of our current discretionary yearly foreign trade budget. How does your offer compare?"
"We would ask for a 30 year non-aggression agreement, and diplomatic outposts in your territory, as well as a possible defense pact, where we can defend you legally and militarily against Alliance encroachment."
"A large offer," Denali said. "Tell me, what is in it for you?"
"The Heptarchies wish to curtail the Alliance's growing influence by any means necessary, even if it means spending large amounts of money in the process. Having a monetary outflow is something the Heptarchies are happy to entertain, and we would be grateful for you to join us in this endeavor."
"And what of the risk of me playing both sides?"
"We can offer you high enough boons to ensure that does not occur."
So a bribe, then. A massive one. It was already enticing, but Denali sensed he could get more with better negotiations.
"You mentioned social cohesion and military might as well," Denali said. "Can you explain what you mean by this, and what aid you will send to address this?"
Now, the Diplomat looked more uncertain. It was an act, though a fairly convincing one. The pause lengthened.
"Ascendant Denali, surely you understand..."
"I understand you said 'any means necessary' for curtailing the Alliance. With an AI in their nation, such a thing will be expensive, yes? I'm sure that I need not remind you I will choose what is best for my nation overall. And if you cannot come through... I can always notify them of this offer to explore their ability to match it. Or, gods forbid, even exceed it."
"The trade agreement cannot encompass-"
"Then we have nothing more to discuss, Diplomat."
"Wait! Fine, we can discuss it! Just let us work out the new conditions. They're favorable to you, Ascendant. The Heptarchies value you as a potential customer-"
"I'm sure you do. You have four days to present an offer I appreciate more," Denali said, shoving the tablet back at the Diplomat. "Would you like me to procure food capable of Misan consumption?"
"That would be kind of you, Ascendant. We will accept that. And we will begin drafting a more suitable deal for both of our nations."
"Good!" Denali grinned, settling upon his chair with a new sense of pride in his posture.
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Elder Pundacrawla settled his robe about his shoulders as he waited outside the room. In his implant, a small countdown reached zero. The silver doors slid open, and his eyes feasted on the room. It was quite ornate, but what really set it apart was the scene in the center. Elder Kashaunta sat on a short chair across a small table from the object of the entire star system's latest obsessions.
The bipedal alien sat in her own chair, which had an odd raised section to support her back. Her clothing was somewhat simple, with black and grey fabric covering her upper torso. He could tell the fabric was high quality—in fact, it was infused with psychic energy.
Her odd face looked a little smushed, and there was a faint red color to her pale skin and two bars of psychic energy thicker than he'd ever seen adorning her cheeks. She appeared unassuming, but her eyes latched onto him with an entrancing glare.
Her scrutiny waved over him, making Pundacrawla smile. Her gray hair fluttered, with a ring of fabric collecting it behind her head to rest on her back. Her fingers were short, without claws of any appreciable size. Her feet were hidden entirely by shoes; he could sense a thick armor.
In the mindscape, she roiled with collected psychic energy, like a promise of action for any slight. Her mind almost looked to have three minds in one, and iron bands of psychic energy encircled it from all sides, even above and below, preventing any quick avenue of mental attack. All in all, she was like an alien Elder when the conceptual energy came into account. She reminded Pundacrawla of an old friend, a secret he kept with Kashaunta that initially had been her leverage over him.
"It is an honor to meet you," Penny said. "You look as impressive as Kashaunta said."
There was no accent. The words flowed from her mouth smoothly, and Kashaunta showed no reaction to the omission of her title. That alone spoke volumes, and Pundacrawla knew he would be showing Penny more respect than most had the privilege to receive.
"I am happy to meet you as well, Penny Balica. Your accomplishments follow your name, and you are also quite impressive."
He settled on a third chair that appeared in front of him. He took a deep breath, his eyes falling on the pair of them.
"Elder Kashaunta has hired me to serve as your lawyer in the Judgment trial," Pundacrawla said. "This requires a great deal of risk to be taken on my part, which has also required that I received advancements."
He drew the word out, causing Penny to raise an eyebrow.
"Advancements?"
"Yes. I would like you to push the Soul Blade toward my left front leg."
Penny drew the sword, her fingers wrapping around the hilt easily. A grip of psychic energy materialized on her hands, and she carefully pressed the tip of it into the place he'd marked.
His skin was pierced. Penny frowned as her weapon went no further. Black blood spilled from the wound, which closed within moments.
"What?"
"These are Type 3 nanites," Pundacrawla said. Black limbs materialized on his back, a second set of arms. And then a third set. They withdrew quickly.
"They also happen to cost a considerable amount of money," Kashaunta said. "Which I have paid, thanks to the added funds your singularities have brought."
"I will tell you not to worry if I am killed in the courtroom. I already have a deal in place with the Collective to ensure, at considerable costs, that I will still survive in some form."
"And killing Pundacrawla is also a declaration of war on the Peoples' Autonomous Stars," Kashaunta added. "You do not stand alone."
"Indeed, I do not," Pundacrawla smiled. He bowed his head toward Penny. "If I may, I would like to start the discussion around the argument for this case."
His implant connected to several devices on his body, manifesting many holographic articles and stories around the room. Penny's 'Liberator' title was printed on half of them in the headline. In others, images and even videos of her in various situations took precedence.
Pundacrawla pulled up an image of Penny kneeling in the rubble of Justicar, holding a dead child. "This is the argument I will make for you."
Penny nodded, her silence confirming that this was the right decision.
"You will be the alien who came to a world named after the concept of justice, and an Elder who bears the same name. I will show how you care for many Sprilnav in your life, and also that you have little motivation to do so purely for the Judgment. I will show you as a loving daughter to a doting father, as a willing partner of Elder Kashaunta, bearer of the Pact of Blades, and as a woman capable of acting with wisdom and grace beyond her years to work with an enemy to sign a truce contract.
I will paint you in as sympathetic a light as possible and will eventually call you as a witness several times. You will need to swear upon your life that you are not lying, and Indrafabar and Justicar will both be capable of detecting your lies, total or partial. If you want to win this case, you will follow my advice without hesitation and without question. Do you understand?"
"I do, Lawyer Pundacrawla."
"You may call me High Lawyer Pundacrawla, or Elder Pundacrawla. With an Eonic degree, I am deserving of this title, and it will remind them of who backs you and who I am."
"I understand."
Pundacrawla took a long moment to organize his thoughts. He removed unnecessary jargon that might be untranslatable. He had the VI program rephrase and dumb down the explanations he needed to say so they would be shorter and easier to understand. Understanding was critical for the early phases of any case, and the client always needed to be ready for what came.
That was Rule 53.
"Now for the second half of the Judgment. The Alliance. They have published a great deal of rhetoric condemning the Sprilnav and the Elders. Yasihaut will first attempt slander using the usual methods. Your species, your barbarity, your lack of being Elders. She will find images of people on social media platforms calling for the deaths of the Sprilnav en mass.
If she desires, she will flood them with this, as the Alliance's population allows for many instances to be located. She may call to past Elders' deaths or to the previous battles with herself and Kashaunta in the earlier history of your nation. But the most likely platform she will use to pose the Alliance as a threat will be the presence of Phoebe, Edu'frec, Brey, and the hivemind of Humanity. The reasons for this are many. I will list several now, with ideal ways to counter them also attached.
Given Yasihaut's personality, she feels that you and the Alliance's continual success is a direct and constant threat to her reputation as an Elder. When you first shamed her, this is what ignited her hatred. Kashaunta has regaled you more on what reputation means to us immortals, but it is a severe concern. Do not underestimate her willingness to regain her reputation and to do so by attempting to defeat you in a public matter.
Here, your physical advantages will be nullified. If you speak out of turn or show signs of resistance, they will be twisted against you and the Alliance. The next reason is that your specific rivalry is personal. It is unique, and the High Judges know this. You are a threat to her, and everyone in that court knows you mean to kill her when the Judgment ends. Do not express your wishes to do this because she may present your threat to her as one to Elders overall. Now, for the Alliance, the fear of AI, unregulated, intelligent, and improving, as Phoebe and Edu'frec both qualify as, is ancient and potent among the Elders.
Across all of history, rogue AI presents the largest threat to our rule, making weapons capable of disabling our ships with merely thousands of years of time to advance. The Alliance has been given leniency on this. But most importantly is the Path. For an AI, approaching technological singularity is a threat to all other beings in existence by the sheer possibilities that it provides. Yasihaut knows this, as do the High Judges. I will aim to prove that Phoebe and Edu'frec do not intend to kill the Elders or go to war with them when they reach singularity.
But this, Penny, will require that Phoebe comes to the stand herself and swears before the court. The Collective will be connected to her and will be capable of detecting the lies in all forms she attempts to tell. This is likely the only way to defeat the arguments Yasihaut presents in that manner. While Phoebe is not allowed to represent you as a lawyer, she is still allowed to be a witness, presumably for exactly this reason. The Collective will also use this as a means to determine Phoebe's progress in weaponry, so I suggest she finds a way to hide those memories well. The next reason Yasihaut will involve the Alliance is because it is visibly divided.
Your leaders bicker and argue, and she will attempt to use this to show you as an unstable power with dangerous ambition. She will use the clashes between your leaders as a way to convince the High Judges that you cannot be trusted, as your lifespans are too short and your minds too alien to remain trustworthy and united in their support of any sort of treaty. She will likely use this to bypass the reality of your truce with Valisada, which the Alliance is not a direct party to. She will discuss the specific threat of Brey in the Alliance. Her ability to use portals makes your nation over fifty times as productive as it would otherwise be.
This makes you an economic threat, coupled with Phoebe. Brey has a historical hatred of the Sprilnav, which also motivates possible military attacks against us. She is also being directly strengthened by the Alliance's psychic amplifiers. I will attempt to stave off this argument by downplaying the threat Brey poses and showing the reality that a Progenitor could kill her instantly.
I am not expecting any specific arguments in this scenario to be effective against the High Judges. This will be a difficult point if Yasihaut exploits it properly. As for the hivemind of Humanity, your threat comes in multiple forms. Firstly, we can confirm you share some power with the hivemind. So if you grow strong, it too will grow strong, and it bends to the will of Humanity as a whole. Polls show that you all, to put it lightly, hate us.
The hivemind also has a direct diplomatic link to the Source and easy access to it via the Servant in the hivemind's city and the city's location itself amidst the Source's bones. Remember that many of us still call the Source the Great Enemy and the Servants the Enemy. Yasihaut will likely attempt to use Rimiaha's presence here to link you as well to the image of the Source, if not the hivemind. If she does this successfully, you will lose the case.
The hatred we have for the Servants is almost bottomless and is only exceeded by that of the Source. Kashaunta has told me that there have been over 30 thousand attempts to kill Rimiaha since he got here, most psychic in nature. All of them have failed due to the intervention of either Justicar, Kashaunta herself, or Rimiaha using his psychic energy to blend in with Sprilnav. Behind the scenes, Kashaunta has destroyed entire mercenary companies in the Underground for this and made deals with Justicar to suppress any mention of this to avoid stirring the fires of war. I will do whatever I can to distance you from Rimiaha.
But if this fails, you must call him to the stand. Make him testify of his lack of willingness to attack the Sprilnav. Indrafabar may request that his mind be invaded to determine the truth about this. If the Source intervenes in that case or Rimiaha refuses, you will also lose the trial. This is the most dangerous idea that Yasihaut could bring against you, which links back to Humanity and you, Penny.
Another reason she has is that if she can push the Judges enough on the Alliance to either level more restrictions or kill the AIs, you will be crippled beyond recovery and will fade into nothingness for her to kill at her leisure. In short, most of this trial hinges on circumstances and testimonies given by witnesses. This is another reason Indrafabar is on the case. He can detect lies in almost any being if he uses his power. And if you resist, which you might be capable of, but..."
"I lose."
"Exactly. This is not a place of honor. This is not a court like before. Arguments will be heard, debated, and either accepted and recorded or discarded and ignored. I will do my best to use Justicar's law principles like recency to your favor, but history is littered with petty Judges making decisions on cases related to how much a threat people are. Not to this level, of course, but there is luckily precendent to lean on in both types of outcomes."
"Pundacrawla, I thank you for your high-level overview. Shall I assume the legal jargon was left out of your description?"
"Yes," he said. "I was uncertain if some words would translate."
"What are my realistic chances for winning this trial?"
Pundacrawla sighed. He didn't want to see her hope shatter, but he refused to lie. Kashaunta seemed fine with him sitting here and talking about things truthfully. If she wasn't, she would have requested a different lawyer.
"In the worst case scenario, which is Indrafabar and Justicar dislike you, and Yasihaut has a lawyer with an Eonic degree of their own, then I would say about 9%."
"That is quite high, actually, for a worst case scenario."
"That is only because this is a Trial by Majority, Kashaunta's backing and all that implies, your friendships with Nilnacrawla, Spentha and Equisa's continued survival within the Alliance, the various political motivations the Judges might have, the fact that you have built up your image, that you have refrained from killing your enemies recently, and the extreme nature of Yasihaut's hatred for you.
Your attack on Tassidonia's court normally would have been the death knell for you. But since your power didn't kill anyone and specifically was weakened to avoid that, it has been a boon more than a curse. And the Sprilnav with bleeding hearts also are pleased with your war on slavery. You will lose that war without Kashuanta's help, but your determination on that is seen as an endearing characteristic."
"Endearing?"
"The Elders think of you as a child, Penny," Kashaunta said. "Your fight against slavery is seen as a childish fantasy, but in a good way. If you wish, Pundacrawla can lean into either your maturity or immaturity on this case. Both may achieve the desired effect, if done right."
"I am not sure about that. Who will watch this trial, and how many?"
"Cast away your ego, Penny, it will not serve you here," Pundacrawla said.
"I'm 76 years old. I can handle this."
"I don't think-"
"200 quintillion," Kashaunta blurted out. Penny flinched.
"What?"
"That is the number of watchers on the channels that have reserved timeslots for the trial among Sprilnav territory."
"And... Elders?"
"35 million, likely including all the Elders with names of any note," Kashaunta said. Pundacrawla gave a worried look to Penny. But the human just took a deep breath and nodded.
"Thank you for telling me. That is manageable."
"You're quite composed about this," Pundacrawla noted.
"I can conceptualize the enormity of that, but also this is a pretty big deal. And if I prove that I am fighting for the common people, it will achieve-"
"Nothing," Kashaunta said. "They cannot rebel on a large enough scale to risk toppling the Elders. If there is one aspect of our system that has survived the rot of a billion years of decay, it is the ability to divide and conquer. This is not an opportunity to get a manifesto out. I warn you against treating it as such."
At first, Penny looked wary of accepting the Elder's advice. She seemed to contemplate that matter, though she was really talking with her adoptive father. But instead of arguing, she simply smiled.
"I understand, Kashaunta. Thank you. I was getting a little sidetracked. All that matters is winning."
"So is there anything I can do to increase my chances?" Penny asked Pundacrawla.
"Outreach. Keep fighting the slavers, and maybe do a few interviews. Make sure to express a lack of hostility toward the Sprilnav people. And be wary of the gangs. When you are in the trial, they may seek revenge upon the freed slaves, or upon you yourself. I would not be surprised if they did their best to conduct false flag attacks under your name. In high-profile trials like this with many enemies, that risk is high. The gangs have high numbers of personnel and a motivation to see you lose this trial before you destroy them."
"I see. Thank you, High Lawyer Pundacrawla," Penny said, lowering her head in an approximation of a bow. Kashaunta nodded but didn't say anything. Penny took another breath in, and Pundacrawla could feel the air currents entering her nostrils.
"Can you explain exactly how a Trial by Majority would work versus the previous sort of Judgment?"
"Previously, the Judges, led by a High Judge, had to agree on a verdict. In that case, they failed. This structure is more flexible, however. All the Judges on the court, or the High Judges in this case, may voice their opinions behind closed doors and attempt to come to a verdict. They will emerge when the agreed-upon time period has passed, and their decisions will be made public.
If one Judge disagrees, there will not be a mistrial. Instead, the verdict with the most Judges behind it, ideally the majority opinion, will be the one chosen. This Judgement will have 20 High Judges. The final verdict, if none can reach the required 11 Judges to pass, will simply be held once all remaining evidence is heard or discarded."
"Held?"
"The High Judges will be required to resolve the dispute. If there are three or more options, the one or multiple with the fewest High Judges backing it will be discarded, until a runoff occurs. The result will then determine the verdict given."
"Can I be acquitted of the charges if that is the majority opinion?"
"Yes, you can. So can the Alliance. The structure of this Judgment is such that Indrafabar and Justicar will counterbalance each other."
"Can't Indrafabar just offer them money to do what he wants?"
"If he wants to lose his licence, severely harm his reputation, and destroy the careers of the High Judges being bribed, sure. While obviously Justicar will not have the power to truly punish him, the consequences would be severe, to say nothing of the other Progenitors. Given the factions present within them, it would be quite unwise for him to influence the case in such a manner. That influence would not be accepted by all."
"What if Yasihaut makes them an offer they can't refuse, or tries to make it look like Kashaunta did to get me in trouble?"
"I have taken steps to prevent that second outcome," Kashaunta said. "As for the first, my spies within Yasihaut's groups will alert me of it, and Justicar will know."
"But if he is a High Judge, wouldn't that be a conflict of interest?"
"His institutions function properly even without his intervention," Kashaunta replied. "There is little risk of that on his part."
"Hmm. Kashaunta, should I hide the Pact of Blades until the trial?"
"Yes. Its shock value will be maximum at that point."
"Elder Pundacrawla, are the rules on decorum the same as before?"
"Yes, but this time there will be proper enforcement. With the galaxy's eyes on him, Justicar will have no choice but to be firm in this trial. He will not be lenient to either of you, and might punish you more for infractions given that you are not a Sprilnav. It is unfair, but it is in his best interest to please the Elders who will be viewing this trial."
"Kashaunta, is there a way I can help you with the politics around this trial?" Penny asked. "I know if the event is this big, there is a lot for you to do, either to gain or to lose."
"A thoughtful offer. I might require one more linear singularity, and to finally get a piece of that negative energy you promised me. If you could tune your rhetoric toward peace with the Elders, it would help my position massively. The Alliance has already started scrubbing anti-Sprilnav rhetoric from its networks after I discussed the damage they could do, so what remains is your opinions. After the Judgment, more eyes will be on you than before. Declare your continued anti-slavery position, and I will have an easier time helping you with less damage to my reputation due to the revealed Pact of Blades."
"Do you also have an entourage of Elders to back you through thick and thin?" Penny asked. Pundacrawla smiled, glad that she was concerned about helping Elder Kashaunta.
She didn't know it, but now Pundacrawla was fully resolved to help her case. He'd been properly convinced that she really did care for her friends. In this case, while she likely was conflicted about it, Kashaunta was her friend. Given the Pact of Blades was in place between them, they were lifelong friends, close enough to be effectively married.
The political meaning of the Pact was certainly closer to that side of it since its most common use was to unify powerful Elder families. Kashaunta didn't have a family name, but that was because her name already carried so much weight everyone knew who was related to her. Pundacrawla gave Kashaunta a list of additional actions Phoebe needed to take using his implant. Kashaunta's eyes sparkled with recognition, though Penny didn't seem to notice.
"I do," Kashaunta said. "They all work for me. Most of them I acquired through either mud diving or through owed favors, though."
"Mud diving?" Penny asked.
"It is a term for doing one's utmost to please a superior for personal benefit, even if the 'please' section is derived from an unfortunate root meaning."
"I see. Elder Pundacrawla, can you get me something I can use for personal communication to you and Kashaunta, like an implant but less invasive?"
"Yes, I can do that," he responded.
"And also, one more thing before we go. Displace."
Penny appeared right in front of him, crouching down so her eyes aligned perfectly with his. They crackled with psychic energy, but beneath them lay a guarded desperation that he recognized from many of his more unfortunate past clients.
"I will not threaten you right now. But I need you to understand what is at stake for me. My friends. My family. My species. My nation. Over 200 billion living, breathing souls with lives and dreams they struggle every day to inch closer to. My titles, Champion of Humanity and Liberator, do not describe what I am but who I am. My world, my people. My home. Everything I have ever known and everything I have ever loved is at stake. Maybe you know what that is like. Maybe you don't.
Either way, please, I beg you to do your best to save us. I'm relying on you to be my hero, Pundacrawla. You can do this, and you must, or I will die for nothing. You will live with the consequences of this Judgment for the rest of your life. I hope you are everything Kashaunta claims you to be and more.
Hundreds of billions of people are counting on you. Look me in the eyes, Pundacrawla. Take in my alien face and my alien features. Know the creature standing here, and tell her you will do everything you can to save her and her people. And if it comes down to choosing to save me or the Alliance, save the Alliance."
Pundacrawla let out a breath. The hot air flowed across Penny's face, moving alien hair strands to the side. He looked into her eyes, peering into the reflection of three beings inside of her.
"Penny Balica. Champion of Humanity. Liberator. Human. I, Pundacrawla, High Lawyer, Elder, and Sprilnav, promise you, with all of my heart, all of my mind, and all of my soul, that I will do my best to win this Judgment for you and your kin. My actions will speak even louder than my words to you."

Hi all,
First of all: My fullest respect to all ER workers and emergency service workers. You lot are a amazing.
I do wanna preface this by saying that I am neither. I work in the medical department of a football (soccer) club, so I'm there in the emergency, but also long term after. Hope I'm still good to post here. (the flair Advice would have worked as well tbf)
Needless to say, most things we do are orthopedic issues, traumatic injuries, surgery, general sports medicine etc.., you get the gist. We are sort of the general practitioners for these guys too though. If they have a medical issue of any sort, they'll usually come to us first, so we do have a bit of experience in other fields too. Extreme examples: This season we had a case of myocarditis and a case of sepsis. Sepsis was caught early with no long term consequences, but the guy (only 19) with myocarditis had severe complications. He's had a heart attack, spent a week in a coma and now has a pacemaker. Seeing this young guy struggle to get up from the breakfast table and take the five steps over to the buffet is heartbreaking. And in hindsight, it's probably bothering me more than it should have. Doesn't help that the likely cause is a direct misjudgement on our part, when we cleared him for training too soon after a viral infection.
So I've kinda been carrying this around me for a while and there are a few other private and work related issues that have caused me to be burned out a bit. And as life sometimes does, it just threw me the two most extreme workdays possible in my profession.
To paint the scene: I'm stood on the training pitch just observing. I hear a blood curdling scream from another pitch. I grab my shit and haul ass over there. What meets me there is an open fracture of both tibia and fibula. But not just any open broken leg fracture, best I can describe it is that his leg nearly amputated. It was hanging on by a big patch of skin, part of his muscles, like two tendons and miraculously, a handful of blood vessels. People were vomiting and dry heaving at the sight. You could have run anatomy course there. We put a tournequet on, dance the usual dance of what/how much analgesics and/or anaesthetics to give someone who's clearly lost a lot of blood. Decided that this is a case for the air ambulance and ultimately somehow managed to stabilize the leg without cutting of the last blood supply. It was a feat. Surgery (one of many) went well and he's doing well considering the circumstances. I still don't know how this happened btw. We do film every training, but nobody has been brave enough to watch that scene yet. The lad who (of course accidentally) did this to him is still inconsolable.
Next day on the training pitch, I hear a sound anyone in my concrete profession fears. A clash of heads and a good one at that. I turn around to find two people on the floor. One moving and clearly just dazed, the other one fully unconcious and not moving. I grab my shit and haul ass over there again. Upon closer inspection I notice blood running out of one of his ears and his mouth, a clear liquid running out of his nose and a dropping face. Not ideal. When he came back around he slurred his words, was extremely confused, complained of a bad headache and nausea, hearing and vision loss on one side and then started vomiting. Not forgetting the racoon eyes. Anyways - We got to call the air ambulance again. And if you guessed severe intracranial injuries and a basilar skull fracture, you are absolutely correct. He'll get surgery as soon as the swelling has gone down enough. The really heartbreaking part was when he didn't recognize his mother, who was watching the training and in absolute hysterics, anymore. Again, it was bad luck and nothing else, but the player that was involved in the head duel is devastated.
And I've come to realise - So am I. It should not affect me so much, but it does. These were two extreme unprecedented days for me and the entire medical team (cue the ER nurses laughing), but everyone else seems to have moved past it. But it's such a different story when they aren't strangers, but you see them every day and they are your friends. Rationally, I know I'm a bit burned out, hence why it affects me so much, which is scary to me.
I love my job and I usually bring 200% of enthusiasm to work every day, so this is truly the first time I ever felt this way. But I know I'm not the only one who's felt like this before. Do you have any advice on how I could get myself up and going again?

Hello everyone! Sorry for the long post In advance!
I have PCOS and just found out I’m pregnant on Thursday! However, I’m super confused as I’ve had a lot going on. So I thought I had a period May 4th to 7th as I remember having 1-2 heavy day with some clotting. However my other days were fairly light so it was shorter than normal for me and I didn’t really have cramping too much either. Then May 14th I woke up in the morning and immediately had to throw up and I thought it was food poisoning. I also started taking ovulation tests that day and my tests were blazing until the 16th and that’s when I decided maybe I should take a pregnancy test and sure enough I am pregnant. I should also mention that Thursday I was spotting until today and today I haven’t really bled also it’s been brown.
I went to my OBGYN to get betas on Thursday and then Friday I traveled for a funeral on Saturday and I got those Saturday morning my HCG was 133 but my progesterone was only 1.8 so I was very worried. I ended up getting dehydrated because I went to a much hotter place and I went to the ER Saturday night and they looked at everything and my HCG was now 201 but I don’t think they tested progesterone. I got an IV fluid and ultrasounds and they told me there was nothing seen because I was so early along, they didn’t have worry about an ectopic pregnancy at the moment because nothing was seen.
So I just got home today and I am going to get blood work done tomorrow again to test HCG and progesterone but I am very nervous as to what is going on. My cramping has been mild but does feel like faint period cramps. My left boob hurts and the pain kind of goes into my back shoulder blade a little bit. I feel fine just tired and occasionally nauseas. My lines on my test are pretty dark and obviously my HCG is going up.
My thing is I’m just very nervous with a lot of anxiety and these pains are scaring me. Then traveling and getting dehydrated I feel like I had a lot of stress these last few days. So I am just wanting some advice, maybe some examples any of you have experienced? Thank you so much and again sorry about the long post.

Hello everyone! Sorry for the long post In advance!
I have PCOS and just found out I’m pregnant on Thursday! However, I’m super confused as I’ve had a lot going on. So I thought I had a period May 4th to 7th as I remember having 1-2 heavy day with some clotting. However my other days were fairly light so it was shorter than normal for me and I didn’t really have cramping too much either. Then May 14th I woke up in the morning and immediately had to throw up and I thought it was food poisoning. I also started taking ovulation tests that day and my tests were blazing until the 16th and that’s when I decided maybe I should take a pregnancy test and sure enough I am pregnant. I should also mention that Thursday I was spotting until today and today I haven’t really bled also it’s been brown.
I went to my OBGYN to get betas on Thursday and then Friday I traveled for a funeral on Saturday and I got those Saturday morning my HCG was 133 but my progesterone was only 1.8 so I was very worried. I ended up getting dehydrated because I went to a much hotter place and I went to the ER Saturday night and they looked at everything and my HCG was now 201 but I don’t think they tested progesterone. I got an IV fluid and ultrasounds and they told me there was nothing seen because I was so early along, they didn’t have worry about an ectopic pregnancy at the moment because nothing was seen.
So I just got home today and I am going to get blood work done tomorrow again to test HCG and progesterone but I am very nervous as to what is going on. My cramping has been mild but does feel like faint period cramps. My left boob hurts and the pain kind of goes into my back shoulder blade a little bit. I feel fine just tired and occasionally nauseas. My lines on my test are pretty dark and obviously my HCG is going up.
My thing is I’m just very nervous with a lot of anxiety and these pains are scaring me. Then traveling and getting dehydrated I feel like I had a lot of stress these last few days. So I am just wanting some advice, maybe some examples any of you have experienced? Thank you so much and again sorry about the long post.

Had my first OB appointment 5/9/24 and was 9wk6d. This pregnancy was somewhat of a surprise for us. My husband had a vasectomy reversal and after several years he had continually declining sperm motility and in Jan of 23 showed that all his sperm were dead. More than likely from Anti sperm antibodies which is an immune response from the vasectomy. We gave up hope at the time and figured it wasn’t going to happen. I went through the long grieving process but had accepted it. Then boom, I find out I’m pregnant. We were so shocked and excited. I had a fear something was not right because I wasn’t feeling that bad, I was somewhat nauseas and fatigued but felt pretty decent. I’ve have one prior miscarriage and one full term pregnancy and with my miscarriage I felt this same way. We go into our ultrasound appt and she first tries it abdominally but when it blips on the screen it’s just a black sac so she’s like “well I guess I’ll need to do a vaginal one.” She does and she’s turned the screen away from us at this point and it’s taking a long time and I just knew it was bad news. She finishes and turns the screen around and says she believes I have a blighted ovum. I’d never heard the term before and she explains there is no fetal pole, no yolk sac, no embryo…..just a big black empty gestational sack. They bring us right into an exam room because we are so upset. We see the nurse practitioner and she tells me what a blighted ovum is and that due to the size of the gestational sac of 40mm it wasn’t likely that it was due to misdating. She gave me some options of waiting to miscarry naturally, taking meds (misoprostol )or have a dnc. I told her I would wait it out and try to do it naturally.
I went home feeling devastated and scoured Reddit for information. I’d read hopeful stories of false BO diagnoses and prayed that was the case but I knew it wasn’t. I could feel it in my body. I stopped taking my progesterone and within a day or two my belly became softer and almost all my symptoms disappeared. 4 days after my initial ultrasound I started having some brown discharge and hoped things would kick off on their own. I spotted brown for two days then 7days after initial ultrasound I began to have some mild off and on cramping and red spotting but it was consistent. I took a hot bath that evening and when I got out the cramps turned into full blown mini contractions. I took a pain pill and laid in bed with my heating pad. After a little bit I sat on the toilet and quickly passed the sac and it came out all in one piece. The whole thing from start to finish was about an hour. The next day I had a follow up ultrasound that showed that everything had passed and I wouldn’t need anything further. Over the next two days I would wake up around 230/330am with terrible cramping. I passed more large clots the day after and then on the second night I had such bad cramping that lasted for two hours I thought I might have to go to the ER, it was like being in labor but relentless. I vomited several times, felt faint, cold sweats, just the whole shebang.
I wanted to put my experience out there because I know how much I needed all the information I could get when I got the BO diagnoses. I wanted to post a photo of what my ultrasound looked like because these were few and far between in my research but seems I cannot do that with this post.
I buried my little gestational sac in the back yard with a plant. Even though there was nothing in it I know that there was the initial spark of life and delivering it felt like a birth. I wanted to honor the experience because I didn’t do this with my first miscarriage and I’ve always regretted that deeply. My heart goes out to anyone experiencing this. 🫶🏻

[ First / Previous ]
Memory Transcription Subject: Hileen, Krakotl Fugitive Recovery Agent
Date [standardized human time]: November 28th, 2136
It'd been a while since I sat in Marlig's office for a talk face-to-face. Given the agency's secluded location at the edge of the downtown region, it was a chore to drop by when it wasn't for business, but I'd deemed the matter at hand to be worth my time.
I passed by Nampi at her desk on my way to the door and she gave me a coy glare as I carried on. Trying to ignore her risible ear waggle, I turned the corner to the door with my boss’s name painted on the glass panel where I could hear the frantic crumpling of paper.
Quietly, I entered Marlig's office without prompt as I knew he hated to be spooked by knocking. My mentor was surprisingly spry for a bird at his age, sorting through papers with one wing and an eye while using his talons with the other to set away the papers he had splayed out.
“Hileen!” he chirped. “Glad you could make it in today. I was just finishing up my paperwork. Take a seat.”
It was always nice to hear him drop the professional motif for a more grandfatherly attitude when speaking in person. I did as he suggested and took a seat while he grumbled to himself over the sorting. My eye caught a few of the old contracts he was rifling through and saw that some dated back to his days as an agent.
Eventually, he left some sitting out as he sequestered the rest back into their files, sorted by a dichotomy that only he and Nampi could comprehend fully. He motioned with a wing for me to peruse and I turned the first one to face me to find it was my first contract, signed by me in a sloppy fashion. “This takes me back a couple of years.”
“Slick bastard thought he could get away on a forklift but you showed him! Certainly more exciting than my first day!”
“Mm-hmm. And it was when I nearly got impaled that you had the idea to commission all of us utility vests.”
He chuckled, “I really should’ve done so sooner. Cuts and scratches were already a risk, but a forklift was a new one!”
I flipped through the pages of each report, finding that Marlig's notes were filled with praises of my work. There were highs and lows, but I was flattered to find that the grizzled krakotl held my performance in such high regard.
“Flawless interception!” read one footnote about me catching a runner. “Couldn't have done it better myself!”
Marlig waited patiently as I browsed quickly through each page, realizing more and more how the notes also marked improvements in my work. How I found it easier to talk down a rowdy client, or apprehend them in the case that they were beyond helping on my part. Flowery language plastered most pages with him fawning over my work as a doting father would to his prodigal child.
The trend took a sharp turn as the notes became fewer and more critical the closer the dates reached to the present. I brushed the others aside with a wing to peruse the final paper. “And this…”
“Is Tac. Your latest contract. The most recent in a line of declining performance since the interview. This has become a pattern, Hileen, and its consequences are beginning to reach beyond yourself. Paji and Vesek resigned recently for personal reasons, which leaves us even less hands on deck than before. That's four people to cover the entire municipal region, and maybe even beyond, should needs arise. Three, if we include this little probation I have you on.”
“What was I supposed to do? Marlig, these ‘jobs’ you've got us working on overstep the contracts we were signed on with. Our job is to make sure people obey their court-mandated duties, not drag them off to the facilities ourselves!”
“... So the trip we took to the facilities did bother you.”
A sigh clicked in my throat as he reminded me. “Is that what happens to the people we take in, Marlig? Is that what would've happened to your wife?”
His feathers ruffled.
“That's what happens to those who are too dangerous to the general public to be left roaming free. Not everyone we deal with winds up there, but everyone can be subject to it. Miskela sued for her exoneration and proved in court that she was not diseased. I brought you there to show you how it helps the people, but I see now that it was a mistake. I understand why you were so perturbed, really, but it's how things have been for centuries. It's how we've protected ourselves from the dangers out there.”
“You were willing to let Barsul be interned there, too.”
Marlig flinched and sighed as he swept the papers towards himself once I'd signaled I was done. He turned one eye to me while he sorted them.
“There's no room for favoritism, girl. I negotiated for him to be allowed to walk free, and look where that got me. That boy - your neighbor - suffered the consequences of my nepotism. So too would the girl, had nobody intervened.”
“Like Richard.”
“The human, yes. Or you. Or the police. Where does this sudden obsession with humans come from, anyway? I get notifications of you talking about the acceptance of them all the time on forums.”
“Does it even need explaining?”
“Well, I guess not, no, but it's certainly an about-face from the way you used to talk about them with me beforehand.”
“People can change, for better or worse. Which one I fall under remains to be seen.”
Marlig stroked at the plumage on his neck as he finished his sorting. “I hope it's the former, for your sake. Was there any reason you came to talk, or were you just checking that I hadn't gone senile?”
“Well, I was hoping to borrow your secretary for the evening.”
He perked up while his eyes narrowed and he laced his fingers together with curiosity. “You… want to spend an evening with Nampi?”
“It's not what you're insinuating, but yes.”
“I was insinuating nothing,” he warbled coyly. “Go ahead and take her, and make sure to split the bill at dinner.”
“Pain-in-the-ass geezer. I'll keep in touch if your friend causes any more trouble.”
“Keep in touch regardless. Miskela and I get lonely in our old age,” he called back. “Take care.”
I stepped out into the hallway and turned toward the desk where I could hear the secretary's claws tapping furtively at her keyboard. Nampi sat silently with her ears and tail in a relaxed position that implied a bored demeanor. There was barely any response as I stood before her, waiting politely for her acknowledgment that never came.
Hesitantly, I cleared my throat.
An ear raised in acknowledgement, but her focus remained on the screen of her computer. “Mhm?”
“Do you…?”
Her ear rotated toward me, though she still maintained a passive attitude as she continued to glare mindlessly at the monitor.
“Are you free this evening?”
“Well, I'm quite booked, I believe. Why do you ask?”
I was surprised at her curt, dry tone. She hadn't spoken with me like this since we first got to know one another.
“Well,” I started. “I realized something. Every time we went out, whether it was clubbing, or dinner, or even walking around the parks, you always footed the bill. And so…”
Slowly, her other ear perked up and I saw her keystrokes slow down as she listened in.
“I wanted to return the favor?”
Her lips smacked as she opened her mouth, though paused before she spoke. “How could you possibly do that?”
“With a little gesture of friendship.”
Nampi's horizontal pupil turned up toward me and her tail twitched.
I continued, “So that belt you're wearing? It's the same belt you've worn since we first met. And I know you're the pragmatic type who'd never spend a credit more than she needs to, except for all the times you do"- her ears twitched in indignance -"I wanted to see about getting you a little something… extra?”
Her paws raised from the keyboard and she leaned in, resting her snout on her palms. “Go on.”
The bubbly venlil's tail sold out her collected facade as it twitched with anticipation. She was cornered and she didn't even know it yet.
“Well, I found just the place on the other side of town where we can start. It's a place almost as rich and indulgent as yourself.”
“The Platinum Paw? I mean3”
Her ears folded back in embarrassment as she cracked. She wasn't cut out for acting anyway.
“So that's what it's called! Jeez, I couldn't for the life of me figure out what it was called. Now what do you say? We go over there and find you something nice—”
I hadn’t even finished my thought before Nampi had grabbed her bag and was out the door, giving me a playful tail flick that said come and get me.

The place I suggested was in a shopping center on the opposite side of town, though easily accessible because of its proximity to the transport rails. Nampi had insisted on grabbing something to eat beforehand and so now gleefully bit into a bundle of stalks that had been “grilled” as explained from the food truck we'd stopped at.
Her tail flicked back and forth with her usual enthusiasm as we entered the massive complex of stores. The roofless plan allowed the natural, orange sun to flood the upper levels while artificial lighting illuminated the ground level wherever the light couldn't reach.
The place was built in the last decade by the previous City Magister in a bid for popularity, though ultimately for naught as he would lose the vote following a scandal involving an iftali priestess and a carved bar of soap. I had to say that despite being sick in the head, he sure had a great sense of decor.
Nampi snacked away, joining me in admiring the scenery as we continued to the place I’d planned out for us. Aimless chatter all melded together into a single, thrumming murmur as pedestrians navigated the many levels and stores offered in the place.
A troupe of children passed by us, held in a chain of tails and arms as they were escorted by a pair of venlil who I assumed were students and teachers on a school trip. I caught a whiff of a sweet, aromatic breeze and found it to come from a perfume shop on the same level as us; naturally, venlil were not to be found inside.
We passed a fountain where a couple sat on the edge, their tails twined together as they giggled and flirted. I turned and caught Nampi watching them as well, though she awkwardly returned to sucking the remains of her meal from her claws when we made eye contact. Her ears lifted when I raised a wing to signal to the store we were going to stop at first.
“Platinum Paw, The Greatest Fashion Emporium For Everyone!”
The title alone was painfully cliche, taken to the tenth power by the brightly lit store taking up three department slots. Despite the flashy exterior, though, it was the best place to shop for belts, brooches, and bracelets alike. Customers who looked like they earned my yearly salary in a week browsed the higher end brands while I brought my friend to the section I wanted to show her.
Her ears were held up as we stood together next to a shelf chock full of fashionable bags and bandoliers of every variety.
“Pick one,” I told her.
Nampi's ears shot to a straight pose in surprise, “Any?”
“Within reason. I've got a few extra credits to blow and I know nobody better to spend it on.”
With an inviting headtilt, I let Nampi peruse the shelves at her leisure. Her lips pursed together and her tail flicked with glee as she fingered at every piece that caught her eye. I chuckled at her outburst of enthusiasm while turning to find my own items to gloss over.
A breeze from outside nipped at my beak while I considered what I’d like to purchase. The place dripped with an atmosphere of faux hospitality, from the bright blue-stained floorboards to the radio prattling off advertisements in a sickeningly sweet tone to the faint, fruity aroma of scented cleaner. It was oppressive as only a fissan-owned company could be to the senses.
What I wouldn’t pay to see how a human would fare in such an environment.
I knew they were social creatures at least, but I had no doubt that the predatory senses of a human, so honed to hunting, would get overstimulated in this center of gaudy indulgence. Knowing I was something of a predator myself made me sympathize provided that even I had to squint to keep the pale lights inside from searing my eyes. I could only imagine how the arboreal eyes of a Terran would fare. I was so lost in thought imagining how lost the Terrans would be that I could almost ignore the obnoxious giggling and metallic rattling coming from behind me.
Risking a peek at the source, into my sight came a pair of venlil, one a male carrying a pair of bags as well as a couple more strapped to his belt. The bored expression in his eyes was not one of a man who was in high spirits. The other venlil was a woman who was the source of the noise.
Her mottled gray pelt was accented by a tasteful belt design, free of almost any practical functions but not flashy or excessive in garnishment either. At least, that’s what I would say, were it not for the braid of beads that dangled on the belt, jingling with each bounce of the lively woman’s stride. It was clear that such a gaudy accessory was intended to draw attention to her, though why was a mystery. Certainly, the shiny braids seemed designed as decoration first and practical second.
She turned about and I faced back to my browsing before she could catch me staring. Nampi was nowhere in sight, though I figured she was somewhere behind the shelf, sifting through every accessory on the section I'd suggested.
Clink.
Something pelted to my immediate right. I tilted my head to spot a tree nut shell clattering to the floor. Without being able to guess where it came from, I had to wonder what could've launched it over this way. Even with my keen eyesight, nobody in the crowd seemed to be a suspect.
Clink.
Another shell pelted my vicinity, ricocheting off of the floor and hitting the shelf I was standing next to. I ruffled my feathers in frustration - clearly, someone was trying to get my attention, though I couldn't make out who it was. Out of the corner of my vision, the woman from before eyed me curiously as I looked about, though I wasn't interested in engaging with her.
Thwack.
One more shell came flying and, unfortunately, the aim on this one was true, nailing me on the beak. Irritated, I stormed out of the store to find the source of the instigator. I scanned over the bodies to find anyone who could've been responsible for this indignity, eventually concluding that it came from the dining area across the walkway.
Whoever was responsible was in for an earful and I was already structuring which of the offender's family members would be acceptable as fodder for stray words. As I approached, I found the tables were mostly empty save for one, which made my heart begin to drop as I met eyes with the only occupant. Suddenly, I was much less inclined to hurl insults.
“Oh, hi there!” Qitel called out in a sickly sweet tone. “Come, take a seat! We have much to discuss!”
The Exterminator clutched a bag of tree nuts in his claws, a pile of discarded shells already gathered on the table next to him. He grabbed another as I approached, effortlessly prying the shell in half between two claws and tossed the contents into his mouth. “Good protein, these,” he commented as I sat down.
“Must be for that good arm you've got there,” I mumbled. I caught sight of a couple of bags beneath his chair, seemingly from one of the tech stores contained within the center.
“Bah, it's guesswork. So how are you? I haven't heard from you since we worked together!”
“I was just spending time with a friend, shopping and enjoying my time off.”
“Your time off? Oh, am I interrupting something?”
His snide tone irked me, though now wasn’t the time for interjections. “You are, Qitel,” I replied with no shortage of vitriol in my tone. “But I see no harm in chatting for a bit.”
“Good, because I have some merchandise”- he reached into his belt pocket and deposited a couple of items onto the table -“and you’re just the person to look into it, human sympathizer.”
I drew a terse breath in shock, but my worries were quelled when I considered that if Qitel had the power to do anything about it, he would’ve done so instead of approaching me so discreetly. A glance down at the item on the table showed that he was presenting what looked to be a tracker as well as a personal drive. “Found in the garbage,” he told me.
“The guild resorts to dumpster diving when they already have such a bloated budget now?”
“No, featherbrain, I have decided to keep this for myself. These items were found together, sealed in a plastic pouch, and placed in a garbage bin. The city has bans against electronics being placed into public bins, and so I was curious why this wound up in there. Managed to get my coworker, a techie, to crack it open and…”
Qitel reached into his belt again, glowering at me with the same condescending gaze he’d given me when I first saw his face. He seemed to revel in digging for the item as slowly as possible to waste my time. Finally, he found whatever he was looking for and revealed it as a printed piece of paper, folded into eighths. The snobby yotul threw the unfurled paper on the table and rolled it toward me.
I craned my neck to look at the parchment, though I was immediately perplexed by the text on it; it appeared to be some sort of form, going by the boxes with words on the inside, followed by blank lines. “Found on the drive, here,” Qitel told me, jabbing a claw to the storage. “Translator shows it as Terran writing.”
Drawing my holopad from my satchel, I held it over the paper with the translator to get an understanding. Surely enough, the language on it came up positive as a variant of Terran writing and I was affirmed in it being a form of some sort based on the wording of the text. The boxes seemed like an odd sort of job application, asking for the typical name, contacts, and prior work experiences, but quickly took a strange turn as it began asking for where their home on Earth was prior to arrival, what family they had on Venlil Prime if any, and where they worked, implying that they were seeking individuals who were already employed.
I knew little about human employment methods, but I didn’t imagine that sourcing individuals from other jobs was the most efficient way to gain a workforce. Terran service industries already dotted the planet while many humans also found work in local environments. So what was the angle that the creator of this application was going for?
Most concerningly was that the paper had no insignia, identifying marks, or noted address to return the form to. “And where did you find it again?”
“In the garbage, alongside this intact tracker that was activated at the time of recovery. Y’know, when I was dumpster diving. Text on the document showed it was addressed to one ‘Choctaw Nexus’.”
“A pseudonym of some sort?”
“Clearly. Short sorting through the archives shows the first name traces back to the group out east - perhaps you've heard about them. How the name and the items we have here are connected is beyond my understanding, but-”
“Well, this has been an absolutely riveting discussion about your collection of trash, Qitel,” I told him as I stood up to leave. “But this really sounds like an issue to be resolved by your fellow guildsmen.”
The sound of another shell splitting rang out as I turned away.
“I'm not through talking with you, predator.”
The sting as a piece nailed me in the back of the head prompted me to whirl back around, sticking my beak in the insolent yotul's snout. “Perhaps you've forgotten, little man,” I cooed in an equally bittersweet tone to the one he gave me before. “The krakotl never had a problem with settling issues the old-fashioned way before the interview. Try me and find out why I'm in the line of work I am.”
“Oh, we wouldn't want that in such a"- he waved his paw to a group of passersby who had stopped to gawk at my display -”public forum. Please, contain yourself.”
I had to force the feathers on my back to settle and I raised my head away from him. “What else is it you wanted, then?”
“Well, I'd appreciate if you took this merchandise off my paws,” he told me as he brushed the electronics and printout toward me.
“Why would I do that?”
“Because you're closer to the humans than I'd ever care to be, and may be able to find out who this Choctaw Nexus is. Something about the package just feels… off. And I know when to trust my feelings. Besides, we both know that you know where Tac is, don't we?”
“I don't-”
“We have videographic evidence that you conspired with a human - of the aforementioned squatters, no less - and let the kid escape. You're not as sneaky as you think, and if we find this ‘Choctaw Nexus’ turns out to be a bad actor that can be traced back to them - and by extension, you - well, there’d be no talking down my boss from having you dealt with. By helping me find out who this is, you may yet be able to clear your name of any wrongdoing.”
I clenched my beak tightly to maintain a straight face. Qitel stood up with a flourish and discarded the bag he was carrying in a bin.
“See, the krakotl were never special for using threats and bullying to get results. It's because you were good at killing predators,” he jeered. “Now, if you don't mind, this primitive has appointments to attend to… old lady who got trampled courtesy of the humans and all. You stay out of trouble, Hileen, and stay in touch.”
The self-assured marsupial melded into the crowd in a matter of seconds, leaving me with a table containing dumpster trophies and a pile of shells. Reluctantly, I swept the shells into my wing and dumped them into the bin before gathering the other two items he'd left me and stuffing them into my bag. I'd been gone from Nampi long enough and she would notice my absence before long.
Crossing the walkway again, I could spot from where I stood that Nampi was indeed still in the Platinum Paw. I approached, and soon I found that while she didn't seem to have noticed me stepping away, she was definitely in a soured mood based on the sagging of her ears and tail. With my talons clacking on the floorboards, I hustled to her side and her mood chippered up ever so slightly as she heard me approach.
I chimed in, “Find anything?”
“Everything. I want everything, Red, and I can't decide on what I want. They all just look so great!”
From behind, a voice called out, “Nampi!”
We both jumped at the exclamation and turned about to spot the venlil lady I'd seen before spring from behind the shelf. The man poked his head from behind the shelf too, though less enthusiastically and with yet another bag in his clutches. My friend's eyes widened in surprise with her tail and ears perking up in kind. With a light in her eyes, she exclaimed, “Nalek!”
The two embraced with shrill squeals and laughter as Nalek's accompaniment and I traded awkward glances.
“It's been too long!”
“You never stayed in contact!”
The women exchanged giddy greetings and the pompous stranger turned to me, leering over me as though she was sizing me up.
“Who's your friend here?”
“Oh she's actually my-...”
Nampi paused for a moment, looking back to me.
“Yeah, she's a friend.”
“A friend,” Nalek repeated while her eyes flicked between Nampi and I. “Right.”
Somehow, I get the impression that that was judgemental.
“I'm Hileen, by the way,” I chirped, “if names are to be exchanged.”
“Hileen, that's a lovely name! And such plumage to match, it's a wonder you aren't swarmed by suitors!”
Internally, I groaned at the notion. The idea of being approached by someone to state their interest in me made me queasy, to say the least. Thankfully, I never had that issue growing up as most of the other drakes in school were too busy chasing girls who didn't have a lousy pigmentation mutation such as myself.
“I'm flattered,” I told Nalek before turning to the man whose name had yet to be introduced. “May we get your name?”
“Sask.”
His response was succinct and tonally flat, though there was a brief silence as I expected him to elaborate. Nalek's beads jingled as she lashed him on the calf with her tail.
“I'm Sask, Nalek's fiancée,” he added, throwing her a look to see if she was satisfied.
Nampi gasped with her paws over her snout. “Fiancée! Nalek, you're getting married and you never even told me!”
“Well, I felt a little guilty since it technically broke our pact we made when we were pups. You remember that?”
“Of course! Why wouldn’t I? ‘Let she who bonds through betrothal first be cast out unto the world for all to admonish her!’”
Sask and I both gave inquisitive expressions. “You two spoke like that as pups?” Sask asked.
“Well, I'm paraphrasing,” Nampi admitted with a playful ear waggle. “But you get the gist.”
“Indeed, they do, sweet Nampi. Now, may I ask what you're doing bringing your avian friend here into this store on this fine claw?”
“Oh, no no, she's the one treating me! Isn't that right, Red?”
I saw her tail twitch and was sure it took restraint not to tickle my neck with it as we stood before her old friend.
“She's been a good friend,” I explained. “So I wanted to reverse the roles for once and treat her to something myself.”
Nampi skipped over to me and wrapped her arm around me, glancing back to her old friend. “See? We'd all be so lucky to have a… friend like her.”
“So I've witnessed. But perhaps you're a bit stuck, as I've seen you prancing up and down these aisles for a while, no? Maybe you don't know what you want?”
“Nalek, you know I've never been good about making my mind up.”
“Some things never change, you ditz. Tell you what: you and Sask go find us a seat and we can catch up all we'd like when we're not taking up aisle space, yes? So shoo! I'll help Hileen here pick one out for you!”
With a bored grunt, Sask made off with the goods he had strapped to himself, followed by Nampi who gave me one more playful tail flick before dashing off into the crowd. I looked back to the mottled snout of Nalek who watched her friend wander off with a wistful glance.
“She was my first, you know.”
“Your what now.”
“Love. Way back when we were growing from pups into young adults back in private education, we explored much together. We saw each other through a lot, including the less savory parts of finding a mate. When Nampi realized it wasn't the boys she was into, she turned to me, and I offered my hand as her stalwart companion… to a point.”
“You weren't interested in her the same way?”
“I'd grown up seeing her as a sister of sorts, so ultimately, when we split it off, we stayed close as friends and she never seemed to be bothered by it. She struggled to find others in school who had the same interests as herself, but she never fussed about it.”
Nalek's claws browsed over a set of pouched bandoliers made with intricate embroidering. “Have you two… spent the night together? Alone?”
Spiritually, I reeled from the inquiry. The whiplash from that question was equitable to being smacked by a human. “Wha- why? How's that pertinent to the subject at hand?”
“That sounds like a ‘yes’ to me,” she purred with a smug glance my way.
I didn't need to begin to list the different ways such a question was violating to our privacy, and yet this woman was treating it like a game.
“Not really your concern, ma'am.”
Nalek chuckled as she picked out one of the bandoliers and inspected it with her claws. “I'd like to think that she and I still have that old connection, despite everything. And to that end, I know that she's no slag and doesn't trust easy. To see her be so vulnerable around you and to talk so highly of someone who's clearly below her income level as a predator…”
She stretched the bandolier out to appreciate the design in its entirety.
“Well, that's something special. Here"- she foisted the accessory into my wings as I stood gobsmacked -"this just screams her name.”
“This is, like, double my budget.”
“Love don't come cheap, darling. You wanna see good things happen, sometimes you've gotta step out of your comfort zone and grasp for it!”
“I'm being lectured by a rich woman on finances.”
“It's a philosophy that goes beyond money, ‘Red.’ The humans have a saying, in their horrendously predatory nomenclature, that contains a kernel of truth: ‘you miss every shot you don't take’.”
Yep, that's definitely a human phrase.
Nalek's steely braid rattled with every flick of the tail as we proceeded through the checkout.
“You want things to change between you and her?” she continued. “Don't just wait for it to happen.”
She let the conversation rest there as we finished the purchase, possibly to let me recuperate mentally from the damage done to my account. Outside, we found our respective partners sitting at a table with Sask looking up in boredom as Nampi chatted away, though she immediately shut up and turned to me with excited flicks of her tail as she saw what I was carrying.
I held it toward her and she happily shot to her feet, effortlessly removing the tags with her claws and clipping it to her belt. Nalek clapped and waggled her tail as the giddy lady did a whirl about to let us admire the accessory. While I'd have preferred one with pockets to give it a more practical use, I decided to let Nalek have the victory as our mutual friend clearly enjoyed it.
The rest of the paw was a blur as the two friends chatted without end until Sask eventually reminded his betrothed that they had a schedule to attend to. Though Nalek offered to call us a taxi home as a gesture of kindness, I saw through her ruse to determine that she was trying to pull a fast one on me - the clever ear flick she gave as we boarded the automated vehicle sold it for me.
We sat in the seats as the vehicle took the express ride home.
Nampi cleared her throat before she spoke, “Thank you for taking some time to spend with me, I know you've had a lot less free time as of late.”
“It's a prison of my own design, if I must be honest. A feedback loop of working a job that doesn't guarantee a paycheck to pay for rent that keeps going up, and thus needing to work more.”
The venlil giggled and chided me, “You really should've stayed in university.”
“There's a lotta 'should haves’ that've led me to this point. No use wondering what could have been.”
“There's always a use for wondering what could have been, Hileen.”
She wrapped an arm around my shoulder.
“Every decision I make, I always wonder what I could've done differently that it'd have turned out better,” she explained as she waved her free paw to the sky. “It's how you grow as a person, Red.”
Her silky pelt felt heavenly in contrast to the chilly air from outside, making it hard to let her words sink in.
“You rich types seem chock full of philosophy. I wonder if I'll become a brooding orator when I get some cash to my name.”
The cab filled with laughter as we veered around the final corner to my neighborhood, as it was the closest stop. The door popped open accompanied by a chime from the drone, signaling for me to depart.
But before my talons could even hit the pavement, I felt Nampi's scrawny arms wrap around my waist and she let out a pitiful mewl again.
“You don't need to get off here,” she told me with a pouty expression. “We can spend the rest of the paw at my place.”
“I'd love it, but I need to water my plants and get the month's bills sorted before they're due. Again.”
One claw at a time, I plucked her paws from around my waist and the childish venlil conceded, giving me another ear waggle as I departed. “I'll see you tomorrow?” I asked her.
“If you still have eyes by then, then you can bet your ass!”
“I still don't gamble.”
“You'll come around to it eventually.”
I shut the door to the taxi and watched as it carted away the one venlil who I ever truly felt on the same wavelength as. Fiddling with the lock felt like more of a chore than usual at this time as I felt a little voice tugging at the back of my head.
“You miss every shot you don't take.”
The lock felt jammed as I began to jiggle it more vigorously with the electric key. Either the RFID or NFC readers were messed up, as the lock refused to accept my key. I looked up and down the street, though Nampi was now long gone for me to rescind my earlier rejection.
“Every decision I make, I wonder what I could've done differently.”
The door rattled as I grew more and more infuriated with the lock. Qitel's smug expression as he threatened me so boldly in public played back in my head, and I wondered what would've happened had I decided to go through with insulting his mother. Better yet, I wondered what could've been had I not backed down in the face of his unflinching confidence.
Bzzt. The lock rejected my key again.
“Raagh! You fucking useless hunk of junk!”
I squawked in anger and kicked against the door, careless of the consequences of having Markol back down here to admonish another of his tenants for causing a ruckus. The walls were surprisingly sturdy for how ineffective the venlil architecture looked on the surface and I reeled back in pain as my leg throbbed.
Click.
I looked to my left to see that it wasn't my door that came open, but that of the twins. The door cracked open ever so slightly, no doubt nudged by the force of my tirade and I sighed. Nobody was expected to be home at this time, with Vili being away and Luka leaving early to get a head start.
Luka had been given a stern talking-to by the landlord for allowing one of those cats into his apartment through neglect, and I was disappointed that he seemed to have not learned his lesson this time. In fact, it seemed he hadn't even thought to lock the door this time.
I took it upon myself to shut the door for him before turning back to my own apartment door. Grasping the key with one talon, I turned it ever so gently, though the lock still refused to give in.
With a bit more force, the torsion applied to the key felt as though it should've snapped it by now. Markol sure didn't waste any expense for the security for this place, doubtlessly as a result of his history in electronic security, but I wished now that he had provided a way in that didn't rely on privately sourced locks.
Considering my options as I stood trapped outside, I realized that I had never gotten around to paying for a new lock for Tadi. I'd considered contacting her to inform her that Tac had made it out of town safely, but that'd involve also telling her that her son was now in the care of humans, as if that was a better outcome to her.
Stepping out front, I realized that there was one more option I hadn't considered: my window. I usually forgot to lock it after I was through letting air circulate and I was silently grateful to myself for this absentmindedness now more than ever. Sticking a foot on the threshold, I lifted myself in a way that'd allow me to have leverage to force the window open.
The window made me fight for every inch, but I felt a strange satisfaction as it slowly opened up into an entrance that I could squeeze my way through. I let out a sigh as my talons clicked against the cool floor and slid the window shut.
I laid my satchel on the couch and turned back to the door, ready to unleash my fury on the disobedient object. But as I reached for the lock to manually open the door, I noted that the lights on the RFID interface both flashed at once, blinking erratically. Red and green flickered without rhyme or reason, indicating that it was both active and inactive.
As pretty as the colors were, I now knew that Markol's locks were not as reliable as he had touted them about: typically, such would not occur unless the device was damaged deliberately, and yet nothing indicated that I'd had uninvited guests. One could pray that those cats didn't secretly know how to cobble together an ECM jammer, but my personal wager was on faulty equipment.
Settling in, I browsed my favorite soaps on the television. For what was intended to be a day of relaxation and show of affection for a friend, I found myself rather wound up over all the things that added up. Couples threw around flowery words and swooned over one another on screen as I felt the tension diffuse. My holopad rang and I turned it over to spot that Nampi was informing me that she'd arrived home safely.
>>> Feels empty here, all alone.
She made sure to drive the point home with a sticker of a venlil making a pouty expression.
Next time, I thought to myself, I'll get it right for you, Nampi.
[ First / Previous ]

I apologize for the sheer wall of text but maybe this will be good cathartic Sunday reading? It helps a lot to write it out. I am a 49M widower, three years out of losing my wife (48F), father of three adult kids. Last year I felt I was ready to find love again, and joined a dating app. Very quickly I matched with Lexi (47F, not her real name) and was smitten right away.
I am in the tech and startup space in my city and she had just moved from the opposite coast with a tech background and two exits. In fact, she swiped on me because we had just connected by email two weeks earlier because she was looking to join the startup scene in her new home.
She was so accomplished and warm and smart. She was into Buddhism and spoke much of the language of my childhood in terms of peace and joy. We had so much in common. We quickly talked about cofounding a startup, I loved her own dreams for the future, she was supportive of mine. We were honest and vulnerable and despite feeling utterly naive and awkward it felt great.
It was also complicated. She had been married twice before, the most recent physically abusive and prompting her cross-country escape with her two sons. She was self-aware enough to know she was dealing with the trauma and I was wholeheartedly supportive. Practical things like helping her finish all the paperwork for her divorce or keeping a distance so as not to upset her kids made sense.
But over time and sometimes with great pain we would run into triggers and need to break and reset. Our attempts to do something together were too hard because she would fear losing control—which made sense. She was terrified of not having support in a new city and I made sure to be available to her as much as possible—down to reserving certain hours every day to be with her. She asked me to move into her building, then panicked because her sons might see me, so I moved into the building next door.
I loved her so much and wanted to do everything to keep her happy or at least feeling safe. Maybe my years as a caretaker to my late wife conditioned me in this way. But Lexi and I knew we both were in complex places in our lives and tried hard to navigate things. She read about dating a widower, I read about PTSD and ASD—something she felt explained a lot going back to childhood, from sensory sensitivity to difficulty reading nuance in social situations. As an awkward guy myself, I was empathetic.
We co-developed a shared document that basically helped us avoid landmines. When our daily time together would be. Where to park so she wouldn’t notice if I wasn’t home. Boundaries to protect her kids—which did feel like we were sneaking around and would fill her with guilt. She loved to cook and had specific dietary preferences and I adopted the same diet (and still stick to it, mostly, because it did improve my health). She said she felt safer the more of my face she could see, so I changed my glasses and shaved my facial hair. She was afraid of getting pregnant so I got my long-planned vasectomy.
And this all sound crazy, but I was happy to do it, and she seemed to be trying hard, too. She adopted ASD coping strategies, we put reminders around our respective homes, she even put my photo on her wall as part of a ranked list of priorities… though I think I came after her boys and her dogs. (I’m a cat person but loved her dogs, dogsat her dogs, and the regular walks were a main way we spent time together, even when things were rocky.) More articles and books, personality tests, studying results to find paths forward. She had a science background so did find some comfort in analyzing us.
The biggest trigger was that I would sometimes travel out of town. I work remotely so it wasn’t hard to just stay put. But before we met I’d planned to go to a big concert in LA with my daughter, and couldn’t not go. That one weekend trip was the biggest hurdle we faced. I even paid for therapy for her and kept my promise to keep in constant touch—but it caused a two-week break, and a lot of anguish thereafter. She felt abandoned even as I showed in every way that I was committed. A couple of times she had panic attacks and curled into a ball while we were out and about. Once she ran from me, genuinely afraid of me, when I had gotten frustrated and made a sarcastic remark.
Because of her past abuse, the physical side of our relationship was also tricky. There were rules here, too, but as a middle-age effective virgin, I was still into it. I’d only had one serious partner in my life, so everything was new and amazing… but for it to also be a hot-cold-voracious-guilt rollercoaster was… confusing. A few times I would be strong enough to say, “If this is too hard, we could just be friends.” But THAT was, as you might imagine, another huge threat to her sense of safety.
Until she concluded the same. We pledged—via email, because by then even text messages were too intense for her—to be good, single friends. Walks, hikes, movies. Love you always. Then no contact for four months. She mailed my keys back to me.
Of course, I still lived next door, and ran into her maybe four times during that span. She seemed stricken a couple of times, and would not speak, not really look up, and twice crossed the street to avoid me. Her dogs were happy to see me, which made it especially awkward. I tell you, I felt like the worst person on earth, a man who failed to be a good partner and caretaker when I thought that was a strength. I was worried that I made her PTSD worse, that she was a wreck…
Until three weeks ago, our anniversary. She said she was sorry for causing me pain and wanted to be friends. I could have fainted dead. We met up for lunch.
She was glowing. She was so happy. Her sons were now both adults and she decided they were going to be just fine, and feeling liberated. She wasn’t ASD, it was just PTSD. She had started a graduate program to become a therapist (something we discussed), happy to both be able to tap her experiences to help others and to have the chance to practice with herself and classmates. She turned her love of cooking into selling her stuff at a local market (something we discussed). gave up her diet because it made it hard to date. And she’d been dating. And had a boyfriend who was taking her out of town for a week. I immediately saw the brilliant woman I first met, and was frankly gutted. I was happy she was happy, I was crushed that she got where she is AFTER me, not WITH me.
My friends tell me she was genuinely troubled and that PTSD doesn’t just vanish in a few months. That she was wearing a mask with me, and that this new boyfriend—with whom she also has amazing commonalities—is getting the same “mimic” behavior. That, if anything, her wanting to reconnect means she’s looking to assuage guilt or regain a part of her still critical support system. That I turned myself inside out for her, and the most important question to ask myself is whether I should be as open to being friends as I am.
I made a lot of changes in my life for her, many positive, many that still persist. I feel like it would be a waste to go through what we did and NOT be friends. But I definitely went through the wringer and I feel like I’m now the one recovering from trauma. I believe in therapy and am going to work on this. But I’d value an objective take.
TDLR; First relationship as a widower was to an amazing but complex woman was very fraught and fell apart. After no contact for four months she asked to meet up, and she was glowing and normal and I’m shook. Was it bad timing and I missed my chance, or is she maybe not really okay? And can we still be friends?

Obligatory English is not my first language and writing this on Mobile notice. Warning reproductive system is involved in not so flattering ways. Don't read if rancid things make you feel nausea. Also don't read if you get mad easily, unless you're into that then you do you bubu.
Medical terms and definitions some people might not know:
Ovarian cyst- when an ovum decides it doesn't want to go down the fallopian tube and be a total jerk by hanging out in your ovary and suck up nutrients to grow indefinitely or until it pops creating the same pain as if a cyst popped inside testicles.
PCOS- condition that makes you have said ovarian cysts but for some reasons multiplied times too many. One ovary can easily have 8 cysts so imagine when both ovaries have it.
Dermoid Cyst- same as ovarian cyst but the composition is actually made of hair, teeth, bones, skin, etc. it's really gross to look at.
Struma Ovarii- an extremely rare type of dermoid cyst who's composition is mainly thyroid tissue. It makes up only .5% of dermoid cysts.
Ovarian torsion- when your ovary twists on itself or with the fallopian tube, often times cutting off blood supply if not caught on time.
Sepsis- when a part of your body starts to decay and releases chemicals into your body causing life threatening shock that need immediate medical treatment. Most can recover from it but takes a long time to recover, sometimes years.
Cystectomy- surgery that removes cyst(s)
Ooftarectomy- surgery that removes ovary
Bilateral- both sides
Hey everyone from the Two Hot Takes team, hope you're all doing well and have your seatbelts buckled in as this is one heck of a medical story doozy.
Back story: I had always suffered PCOS. The irregular yet heavy periods, the extra hair, and the multiple cysts. The problem was that I was a teen and apparently PCOS is not a big deal if it's on a teenager. It's also not a big deal if it's on a young adult that doubles over in pain from periods and wears overnight pads that need to be changed every 4 hours because thats not heavy enough to be of concern. Sometimes even doubling over on times when there is no period because those are just the cysts popping. I always did my pap smears and always went to the gyno, fully trusting them that what I had was not note worthy. So whenever I moved and got a new gyno, while it was mentioned nothing was done about it and I had assumed that was the norm.
It all started in October of 2023 when I felt a sharp pain in my right lower hip while I was at work. At that time I worked for a hospital as a host and only been working for a few months so thank goodness that I had access to the ER. Unfortunately for me my work place is a small hospital so there aren't any gyno nor obs. So the ER doctor just ordered an ultrasound and a trans-vaginal ultrasound (where they stick a dildo shaped ultrasound tool inside of you), and a CT scan without contrast due to iodine allergy. They initially said that due to the pain level I must be having appendicitis. However they instead found a 9cm (for reference a grapefruit is 10cm) cyst on the left ovary and a 4cm (walnut sized) cyst on the right. They said that while they are big and need to be removed, that a specialist needs to write the recommendation to do the surgery and that since our hospital didn't have any that I'll have to get an appointment with a gyno outside of the hospital. He prescribed me 500mg of ibuprofen and told me that I'm discharged. This was the first bs hospital policy of many that I will encounter in this roller coaster.
After getting an appointment with a gyno, I had another incident at work with the same crippling pain. I had the same double vision, nausea and fainting as the first time but this time I had fainted near a patient I was tending to. I didn't get into trouble for that as it was a medical condition that was previously recorded and I had been fine prior on that day. Just my ovaries decided to be jerks on that poor patient to which I apologized heavily to later. Instead my boss wanted answers as to why I was starting to become absent so frequently. I told her about what they found in the ER and how long it takes to get a specialist to see and how my ovaries just want to remind me that going up and down three flights of stairs daily to get to my apartment is making them more irritated.
Appointment time comes and instead of taking the findings for what they are, the gyno then decides to order the same exact tests but within his facility because that's apparently some kind of bs hospital policy that they have to do before giving the ok for a surgery.
I wait for the tests and had more time called off from work. Day of the tests and the ultrasound lady says "you have at least 8 cysts on your right with the biggest one being 7cm (peach sized) and on your left you have a massive one that is 10cm big". I told her "oh so it grew? Is it cancer then?" She calmed me down saying that ovarian cysts do grow as you get more ovulation cycles and that it doesn't mean that it's cancer. However that I most likely have PCOS and that the giant cyst is probably hiding the other cysts if not just merging with the other cysts ony left side. I told her I knew about the PCOS and that her explanation made sense as the dates between the scans had several months in-between since the specialist couldn't see me the day of the incident. (nor even the week of apparently because that's how it goes over here in the USA when it comes to specialists.) She then was surprised and said "I didn't see any PCOS medications on your chart". I told her I had no idea that there was such a thing. She told me not to worry that my new gyno will prescribe me meds.
After the tests, my gyno finally schedules a pre-op appointment, day of surgery and post-op appointment.The surgery would be performed on a second hospital where I don't work in. I arrive at pre-op, doctor tells me the exact same thing that my ultrasound lady said but he mentioned that there's a slight possibility for an ooftarectomy but that we're definitely doing a bilateral cystectomy. He prescribed me Metformin which is for preventing new cysts from forming. I was so happy thinking that I might be able to live a life free from these cursed cysts after the sury. Oh how things were going to turn out.
Turns out the day of the surgery Match 1st was my "6th month anniversary" (it's not I've been working since August of 2023) of working in the hospital. That meant that a new insurance policy was placed and the old one was replaced. I showed up on the day of the surgery and they told me that they couldn't do it because the new insurance wouldn't cover it due to no prior authorization. I had thought that the new insurance wouldn't kick in until my 1 year anniversary or until it was time for enrollment. I cried. I cried right there on the lobby in front of everyone. In front of my family, my boyfriend and coworkers that had woken up at 5 am to be there for moral support on their day off. There's so many hoops just to get treated. My boyfriend said that if a grapefruit sized cyst was on a testicle they would had treated it as an emergency but because it's on an ovary that it isn't.
I had collected myself and immediately scheduled for a new gyno appointment. Unfortunately the appointment was again several months. It was for August 28th. Luckily my cysts decided that was too far off. So I had another incident at work once again. I was rushed to another hospital instead of being discharged thankfully. However that said hospital then sent me away to another hospital because they weren't a "women's hospital" and that women's hospital said that they couldn't do anything without my gynos permission. That the best that they can do is call my gyno and claim that my appointment with her should be expedited but that my situation isn't an emergency. We told them to do what they need to do. At this point not even morphine helped with the pain.
Thankfully my gyno reached out to me stating that she was available to see me that week instead. I was able to see her and she saw that the women's hospital did some tests and the cysts were now 11cm left and 8cm right respectively. She said however that she can't use the tests from the women's hospital, that she had to schedule for the same tests to be done in her facility. I started to cry, again. It was the same dumb policy. I understand that some time had passed but it was only a few days in-between and having these tests won't show anything new other than possibly new growth. She promised that the tests will be scheduled under expedited and that it will be on April 28th. This was on March 26. At least she increased the dosage of the ibuprofen to 800mg so it would take the edge off a bit more.
On March 30 my boyfriend wanted to cheer me up by taking me to see his brother Orlando FL since he was getting married soon. We were supposed to stay there for a few days for the preparations. I had a small ache at the time so thought I just needed to take my ibuprofen and be on my way. My boyfriend noticed I was in pain and asked if I was ok, the pain was small so I said yes. His mother said "maybe we should leave her in the apartment so she can rest" to which my boyfriend said "I don't like that idea, if she can't come I'm not going". I was relieved because I didn't want to be alone if an incident were to happen again. My parents were running out of days to take off to be there in the hospitals (4 different hospitals at this point). The car ride made me sleepy as car sounds remind me of ASMR. It was a long ride but when I woke up we were already in Orlando. The pain had significantly increased. I thought if only I could just take another ibuprofen when we get to my future brother in law's place that I would be good. I.WAS.NOT.
As soon as we arrived nausea took over and I puked from the pain. The abdominal motion made the pain so much worse that I just started to scream in pain. It was so much pain I couldn't think or speak. My boyfriend knew it was the cysts and told everyone that he's going to take me to the ER. There wasn't a second I wasn't screaming in pain with tears running down my face. The hospital he tooke to said that they weren't the women's hospital however they do have a sister hospital that they will take me to called Winnie Palmer's Women's Hospital (I will forever name drop this hospital for what they did to me).
They immediately gave me medications that took the pain away, I was able to have a conversation with the doctors of what has been going on and the long history. They debated amongst themselves on whether or not to do the surgery but they in the mean time did tests while they kept calling my gyno for permission to do the surgery. The specialists in the hospital said that I don't have just regular cysts, I had a dermoid cyst and that my blood tests shows elevated levels of cancer antibodies. So they decided to go against policy and keep me hospitalized until they get permission from my gyno to get the surgery. My gyno finally reached out to them on Monday April 1st and they had me for surgery at 1pm. They found an ovarian torsion on my right size which explains why my right size hurt more than my left at times. Unfortunately the ovary was necrosed same as the fallopian tube, they theorized reason why tests showed "healthy blood flow to the ovary". The first theory was that the ovarian turn kept being undone and turned again. Which if that was the case I would have been dead before any professional would have seen me on April 28th. The second theory was that the type of dermoid I had was a Struma Ovarii which basically acted like a second thyroid glad in my right ovary. So when they saw it on the tests they thought it was my ovary when in reality it was my second thyroid getting blood supply. On the second theory I would have still died because the necrosed ovary would have eventually expanded and exploded. Spreading putrid flesh into my body's cavity on top of bleeding profusely as that would undo the knot, quickly ending my life if medical attention wasn't given immediately. They removed the large cyst on my left ovary alongside another Struma Ovarii. Turns out I hit the lottery of thyroids. They suspect that the antibodies is due to genetics since my family history is riddled with cancer survivors.
I got discharged after the surgery and when it was my April 28th testing appointment it turned into my post-op appointment lol. My gyno saw my stitches and gave me clean bill of health. However the gyno from the other hospital called and wanted to see me. So we traveled all the way to Orlando again. She wanted to see for herself how I was doing and she was concerned that since it was two Struma Ovarii that my body might have been relying on those two thyroids in addition to my OG thyroid to function. So she's worried that I might be having lower levels now. So she ordered to do thyroid test and genetic tests to see if the cancer antibodies theory can be proven.
So now I'm waiting for when I move to NC since my old job could no longer tolerate the absences and my apartment rent got higher while also not having a grace period for me to gather money to break lease. My boyfriend decided that he would quit his CNA job so that he could pull out his 401(k) and help me break off the lease and move in to his apartment in NC while I recover from surgery. I'm so glad he refused to leave me alone and he wasn't afraid to speak for me to doctors to do the surgery while I was drugged up. He's currently applying for CNA positions so that he can get health insurance ASAP and add me to the policy as soon as we get married. In mean time we also wait for thyroid test and genetic tests. Will update after all the testing.

(19M, 5'9 155 lbs.) Hi, this is gonna be a bit long, but let me explain the entire situation so far:
Going back about a year or so, I started noticing an elevated heart rate above what I usually would have. I have an apple watch that allows me to check my heart rate, and around this time I started to get notifications that my heart rate was above average (in the 120s to 130s range while resting as opposed to my normal 60-80 range). This happened a few times along with some very minor chest pain / tightness, however after laying down for a few hours / going to bed it would usually return to normal. Around the same time I got diagnosed with anxiety and ADHD and placed on an SSRI to help my anxiety after trying ADHD meds and not liking them. I never really had any incidents with high heart rate after that, so I had assumed it was just anxiety causing it (and that may still be the case). A few months went by and I ended up starting college and got myself a girlfriend. As I ended up finding out, SSRIs, while great, have the unfortunate side effect of erectile dysfunction, so I weaned off my meds so I could prioritize my love life. There were a few incidents after this where my heart rate was above average, but again I just chalked this up to anxiety, as it would usually go away on its own. At one point I went into my on campus doctor's office just to verify my heart was okay after an elevated heart rate the night before, and they gave me an EKG which came up clear. Months go by, and things are fine, besides a slight uptick in anxiety. Unfortunately however, my relationship began to crumble and my anxiety skyrocketed, and we eventually broke up, which led me to talking to my doctor and getting placed back on anxiety medication. However, I really didn't like how SSRI's impacted my libido, so after trying a few more SSRI's I was placed on Buspirone. I love Buspirone, and it's made a noticeable difference on my confidence / reducing anxiety. When I take my full dose at once (30 mg), I tend to get a bit dizzy / nauseous, however when split up into 10 mg taken at breakfast lunch and dinner I have no noticeable side effects. I will say (and I don't know if this is in any way important but I'm just naming everything possible), I have noticed that since stopping the SSRIs and starting Buspirone I tend to ejaculate VERY fast which is abnormal for me, and although I would like to fix that it is not my main concern. Moving on though, after about a month or two after being placed on Buspirone, we get to where my heart problems start. As someone who had never used any substances my entire life, leaving home and going to college gave me the freedom to try new things, and although I know it's not great, on weekends me and my friends will get together and drink or occasionally smoke weed / take an edible. I was worried at first about interactions with my medication, but after some research all anything online could tell me was that I may get drunk faster / more nauseous and dizzy, which wasn't too big of a deal for me. I had tried weed earlier in college and didn't like the way it made me feel, however after being placed on Buspirone I decided to try it again and actually enjoyed the feeling, so I started doing it more on the weekends as opposed to just drinking, which leads us to the incident. Me and some friends had just sat down to watch a movie, and all taken an edible. Time passed, and I started to notice that my heart rate was extremely elevated, way more than I was usually used to. I checked my heart rate, and found that my watch was displaying an average of 160 bpm. At first I thought I was just having a bad high and tried to calm myself. I laid on the floor and put some ice on my forehead, but nothing was helping. I checked my heart rate again and saw that my watch was displaying 190, which really freaked me out as that was way higher than I had ever seen before. I had my sober friend call Public Safety for me, and they came to my dorm room and did a basic check up on me. They said that I had a fever, and when they took my heart rate they got something in the 160s range. Their explanation was that my anxiety, when combined with being high and likely being sick made my heart rate elevated, which made sense at the time. I went into my college's health services to follow up the next day since my heart rate was still elevated (in the 120s-130s range), however they again told me it was probably just anxiety. A few days went by and my heart rate was STILL above average, so I decided to double check with my real doctor off campus. About a day before this I had also stopped taking my medication to see if it could be the cause for my elevated heart rate. The doctors took my vitals and immediately noticed that had very high blood pressure and an elevated heart rate, to the point where they sent in a second doctor to recheck my vitals and make sure it was correct. After talking to me and having me give a run down of my symptoms, they had me schedule an appointment with a cardiologist and told me that if I ever experience chest pain and a heart rate above 100 bpm that wouldn't go down to go to the hospital. I had also told them about how I stopped taking my medication and they told me that that was fine and to tell the cardiologist about it. About a week passes, and I have my cardiologist appointment in a few days. I had been up the night before working on my final exams, so I hadn't gotten much sleep, and besides a breakfast sandwich that I had for lunch I hadn't eaten much either. I had been experiencing chest pain all day, but I assumed it was being caused by my lack of sleep, so after classes I went and took a nap. After a few hours I woke up, and immediately noticed that I still had chest pain. I checked my apple watch, and my heart rate was displaying roughly 90-110 bpm while laying down, which on top of the chest pain made me worried since my doctor had told me that that was cause to go to the hospital. I called my parents to tell them about it, and they drove to the school and had me sit in the car and eat some food they had made to see if it would help at all. However, even after this, my heart rate was still above 100 bpm and I still had chest pain, so my mom made the call to bring me to the hospital. While on the way to the hospital, out of nowhere my heart rate increased to about 170-180 bpm, which freaked me out. We arrived at the hospital, and they immediately gave me an EKG to make sure I wasn't going to drop dead. During this time, I also was shaking a lot and couldn't make myself stop. Eventually they took me into a room and decided to run some tests on me. The tests they did are as follows: BASIC METABOLIC PANEL, CBC WITH DIFF, TROPONIN NH, D DIMER DEEP VEIN THROMB LEVEL, TSH REFLEX, X-RAY CHEST PA AND LATERAL, and ECG-12 LEAD. While I'm not a doctor, from what they told me and from what I can see, everything turned up pretty normal. My potassium was a smidge low, as well as my MCV and MPV, and my Monocyte (absolute) was a tad high, but generally nothing to worry about. The website where I'm viewing my test results display my ECG as abnormal and an attached document says I have left atrial enlargement as well as sinus tachycardia, but they only mentioned sinus tachycardia in the hospital so I assume that it was just the machine reading my test results and giving its own diagnosis. Long story short though, I left the hospital a few hours later, and although I still had a slightly elevated heart rate they said I was fine to go about life normally and to follow up with my cardiologist. Cut to the present, and I just met with my cardiologist a couple days ago. I gave him the general rundown of the above story (but didn't mention the edible as a precursor to the 190 bpm heartrate as my mom was in the next room over and the door was wide open), and after checking my vitals he told me that although I did have an elevated heart rate and high blood pressure, my chest pain probably wasn't a huge concern and that he wasn't too worried it was anything life threatening. He told me I could resume taking my meds (which I had temporarily replaced with ashwagandha supplements while I waited for the appointment and have since stopped taking), and had me wear a little device that monitored my heart rate for 24 hours, which I'm set to return in a couple days. He also told me that when I returned it he would check my results and give me an echocardiogram and go from there. So, with any luck, he should be able to figure things out then. However, I wanted to post this to see if anyone could help me get any ideas on what it could be that I could run by him to help speed things up. Oh and one last thing, if you can't think of anything in regards to what could be causing my elevated heart rate, I actually would like to know why I'm ejaculating so fast so I can fix it because its gotten to the point where I can't even enjoy masturbating because of how fast I cum.
In case I missed anything, here's a list of my symptoms (although I have no idea if they're all correlated):
- High heart rate (anywhere from 90-190 bpm)
- High blood pressure
- Chest pain / tightness on my left side and does not hurt more when I breath in / out (every now and then pain extends to my neck and shoulder)
- Frequently tired
- Insomnia (could be correlated with the above symptom lol)
- Get out of breath faster than usual
- Anxiety (already had this though)
- Mild depression (probably from my breakup)
- Lack of motivation (probably from my ADHD)
- Very rare and random spasms in my neck
- About 10 pounds weight loss in the past few months
- Headaches (could be from the meds)
- Sexual Dysfunction
- Minor rash under my eyes that’s been coming / going
- Eczema / rash flare ups past few months above my eyes, on my inner elbows, on my hands, and on my neck that I’ve been able to get rid of with a steroid cream
- Wrists, elbows, knees and ankles (although many joints in general) tend to bother me / crack a lot
- Glands under my neck are frequently swollen
- Rashes on the tops of my feet and toes
- Multiple gray / white hairs appearing in the last few months
- Probably something minor that I'm forgetting but if I can't think of it it probably isn't important (will update this list if new symptoms arise)
Brief family history:
- Grandma (moms side) has rheumatoid arthritis - Grandma (dads side) had multiple sclerosis - Great Grandma (moms side) had Alzheimer's - Aunt (moms side) has an undiagnosed heart problem - Aunt (moms side) has rheumatoid arthritis and Reynaud's, inconclusive testing for lupus - Aunt (dads side) has something? something to do with swelling of feet and ankles? not too sure - Mom had anemia
​
My personal theories (I'm not a doctor though so obviously not too sure): Autoimmune Disease + Dysautonomia: - From a list of symptoms, I have experienced all of the following at some point over the last month: Lightheaded when standing up, nausea, brain fog, fast heart rate, high blood pressure, changes in bowel movements over the course of the past few months (both constipation and diarrhea), fatigue, sexual dysfunction, chest pain and discomfort, shortness of breath, heart palpitations, sleeping problems, dizziness, sweating a lot, watery eyes, frequent headaches, changes in body temperature, drooling (when I sleep), mood swings, anxiety, and sensitivity to light. Based on this a potential theory could be an autoimmune disorder on top of a heart condition? Also explains the elevated monocyte (absolute) levels. Serotonin Syndrome: - I was doing research and discovered that Buspirone, when taken with other medication that increases serotonin, can cause serotonin syndrome. After another google search, I found out that weed can increase serotonin levels. The only hole in this theory is that I stopped taking Buspirone after the initial spike in heart rate / blood pressure but had no noticeable changes.
TLDR: I have a high heart rate and blood pressure and can't figure out why

TLDR at the end
F28 with Ovarian Cancer I am really struggling with medical negligence not just from one doctor, but multiple. Just an FYI this is a long post about my overall experience since getting diagnosed with cancer and learning I have an underlying autoimmune disorder(s). I’ve been dealing with a lot of discrimination because I’m young and “healthy looking” and doctors constantly dismiss me or discriminate me for some reason and I’m tired of it. I’ve been sick and disabled since last November and I had a great job and was running my own business but lost everything because of negligent doctors and cancer.
I originally posted this on legaladvice because I thought maybe I had a case but at this point I don’t even know if I have a case or not and I’m starting to just accept that this is how this shitty system works. Anyways I thought I’d at least share my experiences with the medical field in the US specifically in LA California. I imagine I’m not the only person who has gone through this and that many people who are struggling with disabilities face these kind of obstacles when navigating the healthcare system here. I’ve had to learn how to advocate for myself and I only hope that my post and experience helps those struggling with their health.
In order for me to advocate for myself I’ve had to basically become just as knowledgeable about my condition(s) to get the proper care. I’ve had to fight for my diagnosis and proper treatment and had I not been looking up my symptoms, possible diagnosis, lab work results, I may have died or came to the verge of it had I fully trusted any of the doctors I’ve come into contact with. Always do your own research using trusted resources and have someone with you who can help advocate for you when you can’t advocate for yourself. Not only am I dismissed for being a female but also for being young and healthy looking despite having serious debilitating symptoms.
For two years I was seeing a rheumatologist for an underlying autoimmune disorder(s) like SLE OR MS and was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis, Primary immunodeficiency, dysautonomia, fibromyalgia, CIDP and still being investigated for more issues.
In November I decided to go on a LOA because my flares were starting to become more frequent and severe. My psychiatrist was the one who filled out the LOA paperwork for the time from Nov-Dec because I was hesitant to ask my Rheumatologist. I was told by my rheumatologists office that filling out LOA paperwork was $300 out of pocket and at the time I didn’t have that money so my psychiatrist signed it because I was also struggling with my mental health and family issues that time.
I was supposed to go back to work in January but at the start of the new year I got really sick and my flares started to ramp up again so I had to request a new LOA. My psychiatrist couldn’t help me with my LOA paperwork anymore because it was more health related now and told me to go see my rheumatologist. I was still hesitant because of the fee and then when I was about to see my rheumatologist again and get my bloodwork done I got a surprise bill from the lab where I get my bloodwork done for $400 after insurance. They wouldn’t let me get additional tests until I paid the fee and I couldn’t see my rheumatologist until I had my bloodwork done. I made an appointment with my rheumatologist anyways but the soonest I could get wasn’t until after the LOA deadline in March. I also couldn’t get any disability benefits until that LOA form was filled out by my doctor so I had no income to pay for any of this.
I ended up in the Emergency Room on 2/16/24 a little over a week before I needed to submit the forms for LOA and at this point my employer was threatening to fire me for failing to provide the LOA paperwork. I tried explaining the situation to one of my managers but he wasn’t having it and didn’t care.
When I went to the first emergency room I went in for multiple serious symptoms, they knew I had an underlying autoimmune disorder causing the flares and that I had surgery 3 years prior to remove ovarian cysts on my right ovary. I told the emergency room that I had a lot of abdominal pain across multiple areas, I was really weak, fatigued, dealing with vertigo, migraines, blood in stool, persistent bloating, frequent urination, appetite loss, rapid weight gain, insomnia, tachycardia, high bp, neuropathic itch/ polyneuropathy and my symptoms were to the point where I was losing my ability to walk. My partner was holding me the entire time so I wouldn’t fall.
The emergency room did a bunch of tests that included a basic blood panel, physical exam and a CT scan of my abdomen. They didn’t find the bleeding but instead found that I had a complex 14cm tumor on my right ovary which they deemed a dermoid cyst.
When they gave me the news they officially diagnosed me with a “dermoid cyst from birth” even though I countered their diagnosis and told them that was impossible because I had surgery 3 years prior. The doctor didn’t backtrack at all, just stuttered and continued to discharge me because it “wasn’t an emergency” just because I wasn’t bleeding out despite all of my serious progressing symptoms.
I angrily left the ER knowing it was utter BS and deep down I knew it was cancer because of how sick I was. I could literally feel I didn’t have much time but because I looked young and healthy and my basic blood panel didn’t throw up any huge red flags at them even they dismissed me and misdiagnosed me. I wasn’t even given anything to manage the pain.
I even told them I was already on a medical leave and that I’ve been really sick but that it was getting bad and I couldn’t see my rheumatologist. However I didn’t know about the tumor until then. I told them I needed help with the LOA paperwork too and had they admitted me I would have been able to get an extension and still have my job and benefits. I could have started treatment sooner and received disability pay but instead was forced to continue living with this pain. It was so large that I was at risk of torsion rupture and necrosis, Not to mention permanent nerve damage.
The next day I called up every gynecologist I could to see where I could go for the soonest appointment for an ultrasound. I found a doctor who took me as an emergency appointment a few days later and he confirmed it was most likely malignant and that I needed surgery ASAP. I talked to him about my LOA situation too because I was running out of time and I was too disabled to work. He also refused to help me sign my LOA paperwork because according to him, “ovarian cancer can’t cause systemic symptoms and you’re going to need to wait until surgery before I put you on leave”. I told him I had an underlying autoimmune disorder that I think is being exasperated by the cancer and I was just dismissed yet again despite needing someone to physically help me walk so I don’t fall. He also didn’t give me anything for the pain I was in.
I had to turn in my LOA that day but because of this I was forced to resign my position or face getting fired and becoming un-hirable so I had to quit. In quitting I lost everything, benefits, stocks, my job, my health, doctors. I’m now in debt with multiple cc going to collections because I haven’t been getting an income since January and I’m just starting chemo so I have no idea when I’ll be able to work again. I don’t know what to do here. I was going to try to settle my debt but with what money?? I might be forced into bankruptcy for 7 years now.
After I lost my insurance I applied for medi-cal but something with my application in there system wasn’t right and it was in a never ending pending limbo state(Took about two months to actually sort it out and I only sorted it out that quickly because my friend works for medi-cal). I tried waiting it out for two weeks, calling them sorting it out and doing it right by the system but every day I was getting sicker and weaker and I felt I was running out of time as I was bed ridden at this point.
Two weeks later I went to a different ER because at this point I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat and I started getting migraines after doing anything. I was miserable from enduring all the symptoms and never ending anxiety and mood swings of possibly having an autoimmune disorder like SLE, MS and ovarian cancer.
The second ER I went to finally admit me for emergency surgery after a full day of being in the emergency room and they confirmed it was in fact a tumor. It also grew to 20cm by that point. By this time the tumor had already ruptured and twisted my ovary. The entire time I was there though it was a battle. I had been living with this for so long that I was perceiving my pain as a 6 when in reality I had nerve damage and the pain was likely higher. I seemed calm at first but anytime someone came in trying to tell me I was fine I couldn’t hold it together and would start crying because I was at my breaking point. I was suffering and no one was taking me seriously. I had to make it a point that because of the misdiagnosis from the last hospital, I lost everything and was in a position where I couldn’t get any care because of the issue I was having with my medi-cal application. It would’ve been months before I found a PCP, got referred to specialists, confirmed it was cancer, and scheduled a surgery. At one point during my time in the emergency room, the head of the ER came to me and literally told me, “I want to help you but you’re going to have to SELL it to me”. After that I kept having to tell them that my pain was like an 8-10 and that the pain meds weren’t working. They put me on gabapentin which didn’t really do anything for me actually. But then they started giving me morphine and while it helped tremendously I also found out that day that I either have an allergy or a sensitivity to morphine.
Anyways now to my current situation. I started chemo about two weeks ago and my current oncologist is also being negligent.
I found out the other day that she blindly prescribed a medication for nausea that interacts with a medication that I was already on. The interaction is known to cause arrhythmias apparently. During my first week of chemo I was taking both meds and mentioned that my chest had been feeling heavy and I had pain. I was told it was steroids. It continued and then one night as I was falling asleep my heart started to pound really hard for about 10-15 seconds. I told my doctor about it and again steroids.
That same day I went to pick up a prescription and just happened to ask if anything interacted and that’s when I found out that it was a major interaction and I literally could have died had I not luckily already been titrating off of the offending medicine. I stopped taking those meds and immediately the chest pain stopped and I haven’t had an episode like that since.
I am freaked out and don’t want to continue my care with her due to her negligence. This should have been a conversation at minimum and she didn’t even tell me she prescribed it let alone double check for interactions(she had the list of my current medications). I just got a notification from my pharmacy that it was ready. I also didn’t know about the interaction when it was picked up because my mom picked it up for me and she doesn’t speak English very well.
I talked to my care teams assistant and told her I wanted a change of doctors because I didn’t trust her after this and she said she was going to put in the request. They called me yesterday though and said they weren’t going to switch me because I had already started treatment. They refused to switch my doctors despite everything that’s happened even though she literally almost accidentally killed me. I am livid and don’t want to continue with them but they’re giving me no choice but to continue seeing her.
I already set up an appointment for a second opinion but that’s not for another two weeks before the appointment and I don’t want to interrupt the treatment.
I have a rare type of ovarian cancer with a high grade tumor. It was a germ cell tumor called an immature teratoma. They said it is stage 1 but because I had emergency surgery, the tumor had already ruptured, and everything was rushed I don’t feel this is an accurate diagnosis because I have pain in all of the surrounding areas where the tumor was pushing up against. (I also mentioned this to my oncologist but instead of running tests or anything else I was given a psych referral for anxiety because I have an adhd & bipolar diagnosis even though I’ve been stable for years and I wasn’t overreacting in this case). The tumor was exasperating all of my autoimmune symptoms and causing me to be in a never ending flare so my body has been heavily damaged. Im becoming disabled at 28. I have so much anxiety with doctors now because I’m traumatized from my experience with them dismissing me and discriminating against me. Like I’m young so I “must be able to tolerate more”. I have to constantly look up my lab results, medications, conditions, because of how much negligence and dismissal I’ve been dealing with over the years. I’m scared I’m going to die from something preventable and not cancer at this rate.
TLDR: F28 w/ ovarian cancer and pre-existing autoimmune disorders struggling to get care, proper diagnosis, treatment, negligence by multiple doctors, losing everything. US health care system is incredibly difficult to navigate and we need to constantly advocate for ourselves to get proper care in this for profit healthcare system.

I have been driving the truck consistently for a little over a month with no issues. Drove it to church this morning, but it died in my driveway as I came back home. I was waiting a couple seconds as my wife parked our van to the side so I could pull all the way in when it died.
I was in first gear, but am pretty certain I had the clutch all the way down so it shouldn't have stalled. After that I went to start it back up, it turned over then died a second or two later. I did this one more time with the same result. Smelled a faint hint of gas that time so I opened the hood and waited half an hour in case I had flooded it a bit.
Since then I tried starting it back up without my foot on the gas as well as with the pedal held fully down and can't even get it to turn over. This is my first carburetor controlled vehicle so I am pretty sure it's operator error, would definitely appreciate any help or ideas as to what caused it and how to get it started back up again, thanks.

Sorry if this is a bit disjointed and long, there's a TL;DR at the end. I just had my LEEP on Thursday and wanted to share my experience. Hopefully this soothes a fellow over-thinker.
Background: 30 yr old female, 130 lbs, 5'2". No moderate, severe or chronic health conditions.
I was diagnosed with high-risk (HR) HPV with LSIL/abnormal cells in February of this year. Not 16/18, but another HR strain. I got at least one shot of the HPV vaccine before I turned 26 so I was really shocked at this. I had a complete emotional breakdown because of the connection to HPV and cervical cancer, plus I just felt....dirty. I've gone through my sexually active years without getting as much as a yeast infection, and now I had just been hit with an STI, and the one that causes cancer. I went into a pretty deep depression and honestly I'm still in that depression zone but not nearly as much. I did a ton of research and my findings told me that even if it was cancer, it's one of the most curable ones especially given my age, health, etc.
My primary doctor referred me to a gyno's office connected to the hospital I go to, and I scheduled an appointment for March 1st. Gyno (who was actually not an OBGYN but an APRN/midwife?) basically did a slightly more advanced exam/questionnaire then I got another referral to an actual OBGYN for a colposcopy and scheduled it for April 1st. I thought I would have the colpo/biopsy with the APRN during my March appointment but I guess that's just a "yeah your primary is right you need a colpo" step. Idk, very confusing.
April 1st comes, the doctor that was available for that date (I wanted to get this done asap) had some less than favorable reviews on the internet so that made me a little uneasy. Between each appointment I was spending hours researching, redditing, googling, youtubing etc. so I wouldn't go into this completely ignorant and hopefully minimize the chance of any BS being pulled.
My doctor was, to my surprise, very chill, professional and knowledgeable. Took time to answer all my questions, we even had some laughs. Please ladies, find a doctor that makes you feel comfortable if you can. No question is a silly question and no doctor or nurse should make you feel like you're stupid for raising concerns or asking a lot of questions. If you feel something is off or a doc is being an a-hole, that's your sign to GTFO and find another doctor. Pleasant staff make this experience so much better.
The colpo: wasn't that bad. They crack you open like a pistachio with a speculum (like they would use for pap smear) and take a look at your cervix with this scope. A vinegar solution is applied to highlight the abnormal cells. My doc's colpo machine did have a screen that could show me what he was seeing, although it wasn't working and honestly I'm glad. I think seeing what was going on inside of me would make me worry more. So I just had to take my doctor's word for it when he said the area of abnormal cells was small.
I had a punch biopsy done during my colpo and oh man. It hurt. I wasn't instructed to take ibuprofen beforehand. I'm not sure if they didn't think I would need a biopsy or what but holy crap. 2 samples were taken, at 12 o'clock and 6 o'clock on my cervix, and I received a curettage as well. The curettage didn't hurt or was minor in comparison to the biopsy. After the biopsy, a "liquid bandage" was applied, this bandage is called Monsel's solution I believe. It's a mustard yellow paste.
The biopsy caused immediate moderate cramping and pain. The "6 o'clock" one, which was a larger sample, made me flinch and let out a little yelp. 6 o'clock hurt a lot. I will say that my doctor talked about what he was going to do before doing or as he was doing it so it's not like I was taken entirely by surprise. However, you don't realize how sensitive your cervix is until a chunk is taken from it.
After the biopsy, I felt this dull pain, nausea and cramping and apparently had excessive bleeding. Dribbles of blood were present on the procedure chair and floor, some of which had been cleaned up by the nurse/assistant prior to me sitting up so who knows how much was there. Doc confirmed this excessive bleeding in my after visit summary, but it wasn't so much so that it warranted some kind of emergency. I experienced some spotting for about 2 to 3 days after. I expected more blood in my pads but that never happened. I think seeing all this blood, knowing where it came from and why it was there made me even more nauseous.
The nausea and...weakness after the biopsy really had me messed up. I could barely focus as my doctor went into detail about what to possibly expect afterwards, what he saw (he even drew a little picture of my cervix), answered any questions I had. We said our goodbyes, I got dressed and made a mad dash to the waiting area's water cooler. I figured some cool water would calm my nerves and my stomach. I stupidly walked home after the procedure (I live in Chicago, very close to my doc's office). Nothing terrible happened but in hindsight, what if I passed out in the office, in the street? If you can ladies, have someone with you to get you home safely and for support. Or, at the very least, take an uber after.
After getting home I checked my pad, everything was good although I did have some "coffee grounds" in my pad from the Monsel's solution. The doc warned me about this and to expect it for a few days. I crashed on my couch for a little nap before going to a concert later that evening because I don't know how to take a day off.
The next month following my biopsy was largely uneventful, I did have intercourse about 2.5 weeks post-biopsy with no issues or pain, although the thought of infection and the whole process made it hard to enjoy sex (I healed up just fine so this was more unnecessary worrying). I didn't experience any pain, fever, or excessive bleeding, only some mild discomfort/cramping/lethargy (likely due to mentally stressing myself out) on day 2. I did however, experience one moment that freaked me out:
Day 3 post-biopsy: I got home from after work (my job requires me to be on my feet most of the day) and felt something in my vagina. It felt like a freshly inserted, regular sized tampon. I went to the bathroom, washed my hands and reached down to feel something coming out of me. Something was crowning and breaching my labial gates. I reached back down and slowly pulled out whatever object was in me. It felt like a horror movie. I knew I had inserted nothing.
Based on the feeling of said object, I thought my cervix was falling out of my body. I started panicking a bit. Panicking intensified after pulling out this...sac.
It looked alien. It was this membrane sac, about the size of a pitted date when rolled up. Within the sac contained those "coffee grounds." I knew it was the Monsel's solution and likely I had shed the liquid bandage. That logical thought didn't stop me from freaking out and gently wrapping my alien sac Starbucks trash baby in a piece of toilet paper and further sealing this HPV caused abomination into a Ziploc bag. My plan was to run to the ER and show them the freak I had given birth to.
Problem is, I had just lost my is insurance and was in process of getting a new plan, so a costly trip to the ER, waiting for hours for them to likely tell me I'm a panicky idiot wasn't really in the cards. So what does any overly anxious patient do? Turn to Dr. Google of course! I found a couple of reddit posts from women who had experienced the same thing but there wasn't much information on what had just slithered out of me. I found one of those "pay $5 for any kind of advice: legal, medical etc! Chat with an expert today!" sites that seemed legit enough. I got in chat with a doc quickly after some AI pre-chat prompts and he confirmed my suspicions: it was the Monsel's solution that I had expelled from my body. I was told this wasn't unusual and so long as I don't have an excessive bleeding, fever, pain, blah blah, I should be fine.
And I was fine. If you experience this and don't have any accompanying complications, you should be fine too. It is weird when it happens though.
My results came back about 2 weeks later. What was initially thought to be LSIL turned out to be HSIL/CIN-III, and my OBGYN told me I needed a LEEP sooner than later. My appointment was scheduled for next month and I still didn't have insurance. These month long waits between appointments were anxiety ridden depression fests, fueled by junk food and further exacerbated by internet research. The LEEP posts on Reddit had me so concerned, I reached out to my doctor to see if I could be put under general anesthesia for my LEEP, instead of receiving local anesthesia. Women on here described LEEPs as painful and traumatic. Just awful stuff. If you're reading this you've likely read those too. They described leg shaking after the shots, crying, etc. My doctor left me a detailed voice message and responded to my concerns with: "most women tolerate it well but if you're uncomfortable we'll send you to the hospital and put you under monitored sedation/anesthesia." I was still worried but was willing to see how I felt after local anesthesia. I was pleased he was open to working with me and my comfort level.
Fast forward to Wednesday last week:
The night before my LEEP, I got maybe an hour of sleep. I couldn't turn my mind off. My heart started racing an hour before my procedure and I had weird heart palpitations/irregular heart beat. I showered to calm myself down and be clean for my appointment, took 600 mg of ibuprofen as instructed, then headed out. Got a little snack from Starbucks (croissant for before since I was walking to my doc and some madeleines for after to help offset some potential nausea). For my LEEP I wore a big comfy sweater, some "period" leggings (leggings that aren't too tight and I don't care if they get blood on them) and brought a pad with me just in case. They should provide one for you but I'd rather be prepared. Got to the office, checked in, did the pregnancy urine test, got called in quickly, went through the whole height/weight/med history routine. About 5 mins later I sat down in my OBGYN's office. He described the lab findings (CIN-III), detailed the procedure, the tools and supplies they would use, aftercare and answered any questions I had. He then led me into a procedure room (pretty sure it was the same one I had my bloody biopsy in). I got undressed from the waist down like a pap, sat in the procedure chair, draped a little paper blanket over my bare bits and waited. The doctor came in with his nurse and went to work.
They again cracked me open with a speculum, this time it was rubberized on some parts. This is so your vagina doesn't get fried from the electrical current, otherwise your pubes and vulva will look like Marv in Home Alone. They also slapped a little rubber pad on my thigh to "ground" me like I'm some kind heavy duty machinery. Colpo machine comes forward so the doc can zoom in on your cervix. He applied 2 types of solution if I recall correctly: the normal vinegar solution to highlight abnormal cells and an iodine solution to highlight normal cells. Someone can correct me if that's wrong. The solutions and their uses were the least of my concerns.
He then went in with 4 lidocaine injections to numb the area, total of about 1 ml of lido I think. He used a very small needle and upon insertion, it felt like a little pinch. Now, for those afraid of needles, it is a long ish needle but the actual poke is minimal. Although some women report that the inject was the worst part. That was not the case here but the visual can be a bit alarming. After the first injection, I didn't feel the other 3. I felt comfortable going forward with the procedure, and my doc kept checking in with me to make sure I was ok. I did feel an increase in my heart rate post-lidocaine, but it wasn't concerning. I wasn't sure if this was from the "holy shit he's about to start zapping" or as a side effect of the lidocaine. Regardless, my heart rate came back down to a reasonable level given the circumstances in a few minutes. I was actually so comfortable at this point, I managed to relax my asscheeks after they were clamped together like a vise grip from the moment my derriere hit the chair.
I'm not really sure what happened after the injections, I knew he was using the LEEP machine but I don't know how long that lasted and when the wound was being created vs. cauterized as I didn't feel anything except some mild cramping/discomfort. I didn't flinch like I did with the biopsy. When the doc was finished, he applied a little bit of Monsel's, described how much he removed, went over aftercare again, we said our thank yous and goodbyes. I got dressed and went on my way, snacking on my madeleines on my way home (I walked again lol). I felt well post-procedure and even stopped at Target to do some shopping and smell some summer collection candles. I did feel myself bleeding but when I got home and checked the pad, there was a minimal amount of blood. Some women here have reported a distinct burning smell during their LEEP, I didn't smell anything but I also have sinus issues soooo maybe I just didn't pick up on it? My appointment was at 9 a.m. and I was out by 9:32.
When I got home I had some orange juice, water then slept for about 8 to 9 hours. I did have little cry sessions here and there after my procedure. But I was also sleep deprived and know I tend to get emotional. Regardless, take some time off after a LEEP, stay home around your own germs if possible. Get some of your favorite snacks, a face mask and a Nintendo switch or something. This is a good time for some self-care and rest, girlies.
Friday, day after LEEP: no bleeding, minor cramping/discomfort.
Saturday: Usual morning pee met with some blood in the toilet paper. Nothing in my pad though. Throughout the day I slept on and off, I've been more tired than usual. My body and mind has gone through some shit so I'm not mad at myself for being sleepy. I did experience some heavier bleeding throughout the day that was mostly dark colored. The blood level was about the same if not less than what I'd experience with a period. No unusual smell. I did shed the liquid bandage. Did have some mild cramping at certain points during the day but not debilitating or worth taking ibuprofen over.
Sunday: Energy levels finally back up to something normal, don't feel as tired. Still bleeding dark red blood/brown discharge but it's minor. Ran some errands today, I figured gravity would cause me to bleed more but it's about the same as yesterday if not less.
If there's interest, I'll check in at maybe the 2 week and 4 week mark, or whenever I remember since this is my throwaway account.
Overall the LEEP was way better than the biopsy in my experience. Reddit had me freaking out. I know I'm lucky, and this post isn't to dismiss any terrible or painful experience other women have had. I want to share my 'positive' experience, since most of my mental state surrounding my diagnosis, fears, the upgrade from LSIL to HSIL, has been negative.
Oh and I did get insurance literally a week before my LEEP, thank God.
If you have any questions please feel free to ask them below!
TL;DR: -Colpo: easy -Biopsy: sucks. Most pain I've ever felt and felt nauseous/uneasy after. Ask your doctor if you can take ibuprofen prior to a biopsy. Monsel's solution/liquid bandaid came out in sac-like alien baby about 36 to 48 hours later. Was able to have intercourse 2-2.5 weeks post-biopsy. No insertion of anything for about 3 days after. -LEEP: easy-ish? 600 mg ibuprofen 1 hour before procedure. Anxiety inducing but once I was numbed with local anesthesia, I felt nothing except some mild cramping. The injection didn't hurt and caused no serious side effects. No smell. No excessive bleeding. Felt fine post-LEEP but did experience some bleeding. It's been less than a week so I'll update if anything spooky happens, if no updates then expect everything went fine. No intercourse/tampons/etc for 3 to 6 weeks.
Tips: -Prioritize self care throughout this experience especially. It'll help you stay calm and heal. -Dress comfy for procedures -Take some snacks and water to your appointments for post-procedure ick -Do your research. Knowledge is power even if it makes you uncomfortable. Youtube was a great resource for me, I like to see what's going to happen before it does. Just try not to get worked up like I did. -Ask questions. If a doctor makes you feel stupid, see another doctor if possible. -Have someone with you for support and to make sure you get home ok -If you experience fever, intense pain, soaking through pads, or notice any weird smell: GO TO A DOCTOR

I would rather be fat than pregnant FYI, neither are also "bad things", except, well pregnancy to me is.
Do you think it's possible to be pregnant and test negative all pee tests and bloodwork too?
I know t cannot affect the hcg production which is what pee and blood tests look like.
I think I'm just getting chunky but it is really centralized in my abdomen. It really feels like fat I think but it's hard to tell. Not many other areas are gaining fat yet but maybe it starts in my stomach. My chest isn't getting chunky due to liposuction during top surgery.
Here are some factors: - I'm on steroids all my life and accidentally have been maybe taking an extra dose or two as I've been forgetful. Holding onto more fat bc overmedicated? - I'm getting older. Fat rests in tummy more. - I've always had gi issues so can't tell if it is related to that - I've had protected vaginal sex with one man and unprotected anal sex with him as well so I am worried that sperm would be on his mouth or fingers and possibly enter me (and condoms are not 100 percent effective) - I've been on t ten years - my mom and twin sister both had major fertility issues (so maybe I'm not likely to be very pregnant)? - I notice fatigue but I'm always fatigued - no spotting, blood, no unusal nausea during the day, maybe slight loss of appetite but I think it's anxiety related - snowboarding season ended so less active - I'm tired but pretty positive I'm always tired - I smoke lots of weed
Any thoughts? I read a study that marijuana may raise hcg levels to cause the hook effect where so much hcg levels exist and then create a false negative for urine and blood.
But how likely is this really? I used to have unprotected vaginal sex with him many many years back and never worried about pregnancy (stupid me lol). So I'm probably just getting chunky and not pregnant. I just think I'd die if I was pregnant (though thankfully I am in a state that protects abortions).
Apologies for the word vomit, I am literally just so anxious about it and soonest I can see my primary doc is 10 days from now.
Just thoughts with any trans men or even women being pregnant or not getting positive tests but still feeling pregnant?