I've been homeschooled since fourth grade, but I'll be taking GED classes at a community college in August because my parents never collected the transcripts needed to put me in public school, and I'm too old for the placement test. (I'm 17 years old, turning 18 in December.) What are those classes like? Is it similar to public high school? Do people socialize or are they too busy studying, and how many people taking them are teenagers? Is there homework and a graduation ceremony?
And will I have less opportunities with a GED than I would with a diploma? Also, am I considered a drop-out if I have a GED instead of a diploma?

Today I want to tell my story of how I self-advocated and what I did to achieve that goal. I'm telling my story to help those who are in a similar position to what I was in and to inspire those to self-advocate.
To recap from my earlier posts. I have ADHD and fell under the "multiple disabilities" characterization. My high school teacher claimed that I have autism (Not diagnosed). I personally don't believe I have autism or at the very least I have a high functioning autism. Throughout most of my school career, I was in a self-contained classroom with kids with severe disabilities. Even if I was in the general population I had a paraprofessional or peer tutor. I never believed that I should have been in that position. As a consequence, I never really learned any social skills, I was segregated, and felt like that people didn't want anything to do with me because I was sped. The reason why I ended up in this position was probably a combination of me having the "multiple disabilities'' characterization and me testing low in three year revaluation tests. If you want more info on this then feel free to search my profile. This is an alt account and is primarily used to ask questions about special ed so It's really easy to find stuff about me.
Before I get into my story I just want to make it clear that I'm not against special ed. There's good and bad people in every profession. I believed I was in danger for myself and for my future. I don't believe that my teacher was evil and had the best of intentions but he was putting me in a position that was hurting me and I had to act. If you have any questions or feedback feel free to let me know in the comments. Another thing is that this post has been really hard to make. It opened up some old wounds and as a result took several days to write.
Here's my story: So in late middle school I was tired of the placement that I was in. I was tired of not having friends, Not being able to socialize with my peers, not being able to date. I also was thinking about what my life will look like after high school, I was concerned that I was going to never have friends, Never be in a relationship, and not have the social skills to make those friends. I was generally very concerned for my future. So I decided that for my 8th grade year (2017-2018) I would do my absolute best for both my behavior and academics. Throughout the year nothing changed. I was hoping that me doing well would show that I didn't need any support but at the end of the year I still had paraprofessionals in most of my classes and was being pulled out for tests. In the summer between middle school and high school all I can think about is I want high school to be different. I wanted friends, I wanted a relationship, and I had dreams of me in the student council. When I got into high school I had peer tutors along with paraprofessionals (Peer Tutors are general ed students who sign up as an elective to help special needs kids. They basically serve the role as paraprofessionals with less responsibility). I did everything again and had the exact same result. In January of 2019 (freshmen year) I decided that my current strategy wasn't working. They also started making the peer tutors fill out behavioral checklists for their student(s) by grading them on how well they behaved/followed directions and gave them badges that say "peer tutor" which made me feel singled out. Because of that the peer tutors felt more like babysitters then someone that is an equal. So I went to my special ed teacher and asked him to remove the paraprofessional and the peer tutors. He told me no and said that I needed them. I changed my strategy again and I was going to ask for the Peer Tutors to be gone first, then focus on removing the paraprofessionals. I was more concerned about the peer tutors over the paraprofessionals because I was concerned that since they were part of the student body that this was going to affect me when I was running for the student council. I was worried that they'd tell others I was special needs then people would think I was incompetent. So every 2 weeks I would ask him again to remove them and each time he would give me a different excuse on why I couldn't be alone. Here's some of the excuses he gave me: "The peer tutors need to be there to collect data", "You need to prove that you can do the work yourself", "It's not up to me. It's the general education teacher that decides if you need a peer tutor or an aide", "Peer Tutors are supposed to represent a trainer for a job. If you refuse training then you're going to get fired". I brought it up again during my yearly IEP which took place in March. Once again my teacher said no, bringing up another excuse. As far as I can remember, my parents were neutral about the aide situation. Later one peer tutor was removed, what happened is that the peer tutor moved to a different town and they didn't bother on sending a substitute. A win is a win so I celebrated it. At the end of my freshman year I was pretty much defeated and didn't achieve the goal of being 100% independent. Over the summer I took a look at my situation and decided that my current plan is not working. I knew that when my sophomore year of high school starts I will have aides and peer tutors in classes. I knew that if I wanted to get what I wanted I would have to do something big. I knew that I would have to put up a fight, and put in a lot more effort. Over the summer I developed a war mindset inspired by two quotes from Sun Tzu:
"Victorious warriors win first and then go to war, while defeated warriors go to war first and then seek to win”
“If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.”
I knew that I can't be going into sophomore year blind, so I started drafting a plan. I created a Google doc outlining my goals and what I wanted to accomplish. I knew that I won't be able to win every battle and that I need to choose which fight is worth fighting for. I thought to myself, “Well the peer tutors we're given training on the first day of school and probably have strategies to deal with poor behavior but what about planned well organized protests?” So I began researching strategies on how paraprofessionals/peer tutors dealt with negative behavior and reverse engineered those tactics. I read forms, I Watched YouTube videos and found as much information that I could find. For the peer tutors I didn't know too much about them. I didn't know if it was something that only my school did or if other schools did it. I did some research and found out that other schools had a peer tutor program and some have uploaded training videos on YouTube. Some peer tutors told me that they did babysitting and did nanny work so I looked up babysitting tips. I reverse engineered all of those tactics and came up with strategies to counter those techniques and put all that information that I learned into a google doc that I can use for future reference. During this time I also researched how to become a better negotiator and started learning a little bit of psychology. The plan was to first negotiate and if that doesn't work I will protest and make demands and negotiate. Over the summer I got really good at negotiating and practiced a lot on my father and my sister (they were totally oblivious). To this day I use those negotiating tactics. After I created my document and was satisfied with all the information, I went to bed that night and knew that I have already won and that my sophomore year will be my last year that I 1-1 peer tutor or aide.
Fast forward to the first day of school, as expected I had peer tutors and aides assigned to me in classes. My sped teacher had a chalkboard On the back wall full of sticky notes that had everyone's schedules and a name of someone was assigned to that student for each class. This time around I only had one peer tutor outside of the special ed classes. This is a big improvement over the three I had before but I still have my original goal of having none. For the paraprofessionals I had 2 in Gen classes.The goal was to first remove the peer tutors then the paraprofessionals. Even though this seems to be an improvement I continued with the plan. Since this was the first day, the peer tutors were in another classroom learning policies and other stuff they needed to know so I was alone for the day. I walked over to my special ed teacher and ask him one final time to remove the peer tutor he says no and then I asked him to let me be alone for 2 weeks so I can prove I don't need help and he still denies me. I then tell him that I will allow the peer tutor for 2 weeks and after that she needs to go. My teacher doesn't respond. (To add context the peer tutor that I had, she was a peer tutor in my math class in the prior semester so I already know who she was. We used to talk a lot and was surprised when I saw that she was assigned to me.)
For 2 weeks she mostly left me alone with her occasionally checking up on me. For those 2 weeks I purposely close my self off and adopted a body language that would subconsciously discourage her from approaching me. I did this by keeping my head low and staying as focused as possible. The only thing she did was confront me when I start packing up 2 minutes before the bell rings. She tells me that I shouldn't be packing up and to pull my stuff out again. I tell her no and hold my ground. She writes in my planner that I packed my stuff up early and refuse to pull it out. That happened like 2 or 3 times. On Thursday on the second week my class was tasked to create a PowerPoint. FYI this was a mythology class, while I was doing this PowerPoint I decided instead of manually trying to type in the locations and people from this mythology which the names were very long and complicated. I decided would be easier just to copy and paste them in. My peer tutor sees me doing this and doesn't say anything. At the end of class she writes that I plagiarized in my planner and tells my special ed teacher in person what happened. My sped teacher pulls me out of class (I had his math class right after mythology) and starts telling me that my peer tutor has seen me copy and pasting paragraphs and goes on this lecturing on why plagiarizing is bad. I explained to him that I wasn't copying paragraphs It was only copying names and locations and explain my reason for it. He didn't believe me but he didn't make me retake the assignment. After that I was pissed off and the next day I confronted her about it. I forgot what her reasoning for not telling me was but I told her that she needs to look into things before she makes false reports. After that incident, I decided to wait a week before I ask my teacher to remove her. Also during those first 3 weeks I turned down help from peer tutors and paras if possible In the special ed classroom. I did this to prevent sending any mix signals. I personally didn't mind if I had to work with a peer tutopara or not In the actual sped classroom. I only cared if it was in any of the general education classes. I just thought it would look contradictory if I was accepting help in the sped class and then requesting peer tutors to be removed from my gen classes.
At the beginning of the fourth week I went to school early and went to my sped teacher's class before first hour starts and then I again asked him to remove the peer tutor and the paraprofessionals. He says no again and brings up that I was being academically dishonest by plagiarizing. I tell my side of the story once again on what happened and he still doesn't believe me. At this point I leave and more pissed off. At this point negotiations didn't work so I started small protests by preventing the peer tutors from filling out my planer and the behavioral checklist. Most of them didn't care since there was other students they can fill out and they only need to fill out one to be graded for the day. One peer tutor gave me the puppy dog eye treatment and I eventually cave and let her fill it out. I still let the one peer tutor that was assigned to me in the gen class due to me being the only student and my intention wasn't to ruin, her grade. During the fourth week I began brainstorming ideas on how I can do a massive protest.
On Thursday of the fourth week of school, a walk into the mythology class and it started out like any other day. Class started and my teacher starts talking. I pull up my phone to respond to some messages and my peer tutor sees me. She asks me to hand my phone over to her and I tell her no. She tells me that I can't be on my phone and I tell her okay but I'm still not giving it to you. She then pulls out her phone and puts it on the table. She then tells me to put my phone on the table. I tell her no again. A few minutes past and the teacher finishes up talking. She passes the assignment and immediately my peer tutor begins to try and help by reading the questions. I slide the packet over closer to me and start ignoring her. I was hoping that she will get the hint and leave me alone. She doesn't so put on my hoodie and tried to mentally block her out. I don't remember what she said during all this since I was blocking it out but I do remember her touching me and the general ed teacher coming over and start assisting the peer tutor. It was a lot of pressure and I was actually about to give up because it was too much. But they both gaved up before I did and I was very relieved. After that, the class was pretty much quiet. The peer tutor wrote an entire paragraph on what happened. I walked to my math class and sat down. I then see my peer tutor walking into class and ask for my sped teacher. I already knew it was about me. I see them talk for 2 minutes and sure enough I see my teacher calling me over. I walked outside the classroom and me and the teacher begin to go at it. We end up saying the same things we have said before. However, my teacher this time mentioned that if I keep up my behavior that he's going to call in a meeting with my parents. The rest of math class was pretty much the same. However, my English class with the same teacher he went on a rant about using accommodations seeing that he had a disability growing up which was tourette's and he were love to have a peer tutor. I was quiet for the whole class since I was already exhausted because of everything else that had already happened. For the rest of the weekend, I've been coming up with plans on how I would be able to pull off a massive protest.
Now for the good news. On the fifth week of school, I noticed that my peer tutor was missing. My teacher pulled me aside again and told me that he decided that he was going to pull her for 2 weeks to see how well I would do without her. I told him thank you, that's what I wanted since the beginning of the school year. After those 2 weeks he didn't reinstate her and I didn't have a peer tutor or paraprofessionals in gen classes since. The deal moving forward was as long as I had a D or better he wasn't going to send any support unless I asked for it. My relationship with that sped teacher also had improved significantly. Later in my Junior year of high school I ran in my school's election and won. I was given the social media position.
In hindsight, I'm glad I didn't have to pull off a big protest. But the same time I wish that this situation could have ended in a different way.
Everything that I just told you is only the tip of the iceberg. There's so much detail that I had to leave out just to make this story shorter. Lot of it I'm still processing even though I found great strength in myself fighting back against a system that I believe was ruining my life. That war mindset hasn't left my mentality yet. I'm still dealing with the consequences of me being in special ed. Everything I told you happened 5 years ago and I'm still living through it like it just happened. I'm mentally recovering and eventually I will recover. Right now I'm in therapy and I'm writing down everything I can in a Google doc to process everything emotionally. Maybe one day I'll give that story to a writer and make a book out of it.
If you have any questions feel free ask them, I would love to answer them.

Today I want to tell my story of how I self-advocated and what I did to achieve that goal. I'm telling my story to help those who are in a similar position to what I was in and to inspire those to self-advocate.
To recap from my earlier posts. I have ADHD and fell under the "multiple disabilities" characterization. My high school teacher claimed that I have autism (Not diagnosed). I personally don't believe I have autism or at the very least I have a high functioning autism. Throughout most of my school career, I was in a self-contained classroom with kids with severe disabilities. Even if I was in the general population I had a paraprofessional or peer tutor. I never believed that I should have been in that position. As a consequence, I never really learned any social skills, I was segregated, and felt like that people didn't want anything to do with me because I was sped. The reason why I ended up in this position was probably a combination of me having the "multiple disabilities'' characterization and me testing low in three year revaluation tests. If you want more info on this then feel free to search my profile. This is an alt account and is primarily used to ask questions about special ed so It's really easy to find stuff about me.
Before I get into my story I just want to make it clear that I'm not against special ed. There's good and bad people in every profession. I believed I was in danger for myself and for my future. I don't believe that my teacher was evil and had the best of intentions but he was putting me in a position that was hurting me and I had to act. If you have any questions or feedback feel free to let me know in the comments. Another thing is that this post has been really hard to make. It opened up some old wounds and as a result took several days to write.
Here's my story: So in late middle school I was tired of the placement that I was in. I was tired of not having friends, Not being able to socialize with my peers, not being able to date. I also was thinking about what my life will look like after high school, I was concerned that I was going to never have friends, Never be in a relationship, and not have the social skills to make those friends. I was generally very concerned for my future. So I decided that for my 8th grade year (2017-2018) I would do my absolute best for both my behavior and academics. Throughout the year nothing changed. I was hoping that me doing well would show that I didn't need any support but at the end of the year I still had paraprofessionals in most of my classes and was being pulled out for tests. In the summer between middle school and high school all I can think about is I want high school to be different. I wanted friends, I wanted a relationship, and I had dreams of me in the student council. When I got into high school I had peer tutors along with paraprofessionals (Peer Tutors are general ed students who sign up as an elective to help special needs kids. They basically serve the role as paraprofessionals with less responsibility). I did everything again and had the exact same result. In January of 2019 (freshmen year) I decided that my current strategy wasn't working. They also started making the peer tutors fill out behavioral checklists for their student(s) by grading them on how well they behaved/followed directions and gave them badges that say "peer tutor" which made me feel singled out. Because of that the peer tutors felt more like babysitters then someone that is an equal. So I went to my special ed teacher and asked him to remove the paraprofessional and the peer tutors. He told me no and said that I needed them. I changed my strategy again and I was going to ask for the Peer Tutors to be gone first, then focus on removing the paraprofessionals. I was more concerned about the peer tutors over the paraprofessionals because I was concerned that since they were part of the student body that this was going to affect me when I was running for the student council. I was worried that they'd tell others I was special needs then people would think I was incompetent. So every 2 weeks I would ask him again to remove them and each time he would give me a different excuse on why I couldn't be alone. Here's some of the excuses he gave me: "The peer tutors need to be there to collect data", "You need to prove that you can do the work yourself", "It's not up to me. It's the general education teacher that decides if you need a peer tutor or an aide", "Peer Tutors are supposed to represent a trainer for a job. If you refuse training then you're going to get fired". I brought it up again during my yearly IEP which took place in March. Once again my teacher said no, bringing up another excuse. As far as I can remember, my parents were neutral about the aide situation. Later one peer tutor was removed, what happened is that the peer tutor moved to a different town and they didn't bother on sending a substitute. A win is a win so I celebrated it. At the end of my freshman year I was pretty much defeated and didn't achieve the goal of being 100% independent. Over the summer I took a look at my situation and decided that my current plan is not working. I knew that when my sophomore year of high school starts I will have aides and peer tutors in classes. I knew that if I wanted to get what I wanted I would have to do something big. I knew that I would have to put up a fight, and put in a lot more effort. Over the summer I developed a war mindset inspired by two quotes from Sun Tzu:
"Victorious warriors win first and then go to war, while defeated warriors go to war first and then seek to win”
“If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.”
I knew that I can't be going into sophomore year blind, so I started drafting a plan. I created a Google doc outlining my goals and what I wanted to accomplish. I knew that I won't be able to win every battle and that I need to choose which fight is worth fighting for. I thought to myself, “Well the peer tutors we're given training on the first day of school and probably have strategies to deal with poor behavior but what about planned well organized protests?” So I began researching strategies on how paraprofessionals/peer tutors dealt with negative behavior and reverse engineered those tactics. I read forms, I Watched YouTube videos and found as much information that I could find. For the peer tutors I didn't know too much about them. I didn't know if it was something that only my school did or if other schools did it. I did some research and found out that other schools had a peer tutor program and some have uploaded training videos on YouTube. Some peer tutors told me that they did babysitting and did nanny work so I looked up babysitting tips. I reverse engineered all of those tactics and came up with strategies to counter those techniques and put all that information that I learned into a google doc that I can use for future reference. During this time I also researched how to become a better negotiator and started learning a little bit of psychology. The plan was to first negotiate and if that doesn't work I will protest and make demands and negotiate. Over the summer I got really good at negotiating and practiced a lot on my father and my sister (they were totally oblivious). To this day I use those negotiating tactics. After I created my document and was satisfied with all the information, I went to bed that night and knew that I have already won and that my sophomore year will be my last year that I 1-1 peer tutor or aide.
Fast forward to the first day of school, as expected I had peer tutors and aides assigned to me in classes. My sped teacher had a chalkboard On the back wall full of sticky notes that had everyone's schedules and a name of someone was assigned to that student for each class. This time around I only had one peer tutor outside of the special ed classes. This is a big improvement over the three I had before but I still have my original goal of having none. For the paraprofessionals I had 2 in Gen classes.The goal was to first remove the peer tutors then the paraprofessionals. Even though this seems to be an improvement I continued with the plan. Since this was the first day, the peer tutors were in another classroom learning policies and other stuff they needed to know so I was alone for the day. I walked over to my special ed teacher and ask him one final time to remove the peer tutor he says no and then I asked him to let me be alone for 2 weeks so I can prove I don't need help and he still denies me. I then tell him that I will allow the peer tutor for 2 weeks and after that she needs to go. My teacher doesn't respond. (To add context the peer tutor that I had, she was a peer tutor in my math class in the prior semester so I already know who she was. We used to talk a lot and was surprised when I saw that she was assigned to me.)
For 2 weeks she mostly left me alone with her occasionally checking up on me. For those 2 weeks I purposely close my self off and adopted a body language that would subconsciously discourage her from approaching me. I did this by keeping my head low and staying as focused as possible. The only thing she did was confront me when I start packing up 2 minutes before the bell rings. She tells me that I shouldn't be packing up and to pull my stuff out again. I tell her no and hold my ground. She writes in my planner that I packed my stuff up early and refuse to pull it out. That happened like 2 or 3 times. On Thursday on the second week my class was tasked to create a PowerPoint. FYI this was a mythology class, while I was doing this PowerPoint I decided instead of manually trying to type in the locations and people from this mythology which the names were very long and complicated. I decided would be easier just to copy and paste them in. My peer tutor sees me doing this and doesn't say anything. At the end of class she writes that I plagiarized in my planner and tells my special ed teacher in person what happened. My sped teacher pulls me out of class (I had his math class right after mythology) and starts telling me that my peer tutor has seen me copy and pasting paragraphs and goes on this lecturing on why plagiarizing is bad. I explained to him that I wasn't copying paragraphs It was only copying names and locations and explain my reason for it. He didn't believe me but he didn't make me retake the assignment. After that I was pissed off and the next day I confronted her about it. I forgot what her reasoning for not telling me was but I told her that she needs to look into things before she makes false reports. After that incident, I decided to wait a week before I ask my teacher to remove her. Also during those first 3 weeks I turned down help from peer tutors and paras if possible In the special ed classroom. I did this to prevent sending any mix signals. I personally didn't mind if I had to work with a peer tutopara or not In the actual sped classroom. I only cared if it was in any of the general education classes. I just thought it would look contradictory if I was accepting help in the sped class and then requesting peer tutors to be removed from my gen classes.
At the beginning of the fourth week I went to school early and went to my sped teacher's class before first hour starts and then I again asked him to remove the peer tutor and the paraprofessionals. He says no again and brings up that I was being academically dishonest by plagiarizing. I tell my side of the story once again on what happened and he still doesn't believe me. At this point I leave and more pissed off. At this point negotiations didn't work so I started small protests by preventing the peer tutors from filling out my planer and the behavioral checklist. Most of them didn't care since there was other students they can fill out and they only need to fill out one to be graded for the day. One peer tutor gave me the puppy dog eye treatment and I eventually cave and let her fill it out. I still let the one peer tutor that was assigned to me in the gen class due to me being the only student and my intention wasn't to ruin, her grade. During the fourth week I began brainstorming ideas on how I can do a massive protest.
On Thursday of the fourth week of school, a walk into the mythology class and it started out like any other day. Class started and my teacher starts talking. I pull up my phone to respond to some messages and my peer tutor sees me. She asks me to hand my phone over to her and I tell her no. She tells me that I can't be on my phone and I tell her okay but I'm still not giving it to you. She then pulls out her phone and puts it on the table. She then tells me to put my phone on the table. I tell her no again. A few minutes past and the teacher finishes up talking. She passes the assignment and immediately my peer tutor begins to try and help by reading the questions. I slide the packet over closer to me and start ignoring her. I was hoping that she will get the hint and leave me alone. She doesn't so put on my hoodie and tried to mentally block her out. I don't remember what she said during all this since I was blocking it out but I do remember her touching me and the general ed teacher coming over and start assisting the peer tutor. It was a lot of pressure and I was actually about to give up because it was too much. But they both gaved up before I did and I was very relieved. After that, the class was pretty much quiet. The peer tutor wrote an entire paragraph on what happened. I walked to my math class and sat down. I then see my peer tutor walking into class and ask for my sped teacher. I already knew it was about me. I see them talk for 2 minutes and sure enough I see my teacher calling me over. I walked outside the classroom and me and the teacher begin to go at it. We end up saying the same things we have said before. However, my teacher this time mentioned that if I keep up my behavior that he's going to call in a meeting with my parents. The rest of math class was pretty much the same. However, my English class with the same teacher he went on a rant about using accommodations seeing that he had a disability growing up which was tourette's and he were love to have a peer tutor. I was quiet for the whole class since I was already exhausted because of everything else that had already happened. For the rest of the weekend, I've been coming up with plans on how I would be able to pull off a massive protest.
Now for the good news. On the fifth week of school, I noticed that my peer tutor was missing. My teacher pulled me aside again and told me that he decided that he was going to pull her for 2 weeks to see how well I would do without her. I told him thank you, that's what I wanted since the beginning of the school year. After those 2 weeks he didn't reinstate her and I didn't have a peer tutor or paraprofessionals in gen classes since. The deal moving forward was as long as I had a D or better he wasn't going to send any support unless I asked for it. My relationship with that sped teacher also had improved significantly. Later in my Junior year of high school I ran in my school's election and won. I was given the social media position.
In hindsight, I'm glad I didn't have to pull off a big protest. But the same time I wish that this situation could have ended in a different way.
Everything that I just told you is only the tip of the iceberg. There's so much detail that I had to leave out just to make this story shorter. Lot of it I'm still processing even though I found great strength in myself fighting back against a system that I believe was ruining my life. That war mindset hasn't left my mentality yet. I'm still dealing with the consequences of me being in special ed. Everything I told you happened 5 years ago and I'm still living through it like it just happened. I'm mentally recovering and eventually I will recover. Right now I'm in therapy and I'm writing down everything I can in a Google doc to process everything emotionally. Maybe one day I'll give that story to a writer and make a book out of it.
If you have any questions feel free ask them, I would love to answer them.

• Select all rune set, 6* grade, and legend & hero grade. • Set prefix to yes/no (default) ‣ For main properties; • Setting 1: On slot 1, ATK+ • Setting 2: On slot 2, SPD, HP%, ATK%, DEF% • Setting 3: On slot 3, DEF+ • Setting 4: On slot 4, HP%, ATK%, DEF%, CR, CD • Setting 5: On slot 5, HP+ • Setting 6: On slot 6, HP%, ATK%, DEF%, ACC, RES ‣ For sub properties; • Setting 1-6: Select all percentage subs • Setting 1-6: Leave SPD unticked - will be used in setting 7 • Setting 1: On slot 1, you can't get DEF%, so DEF% is excluded • Setting 3: On slot 3, you can't get ATK%, so ATK% is excluded • By excluding the unavailable subs, you can increase the subs combination to 2 (or more if you want to reduce number of runes). I would still recommend 2 for most players. • Leave the minimum subs to default or customize to your liking. I simply leave it to default since I still roll runes with low base. 

• As before, select all rune set, 6* grade, and legend & hero grade. • Set prefix to yes/no (default) • Only select SPD substat • Set the sub quantity to 1 sub (default) • Leave the minimum subs to default or customize to your liking. Again, I simply leave it to default since I still roll runes with low base. 

• Select all rune set, 6* grade, and only legend grade - If you are in the late game, you can also select lesser rune sets that you would consider reapping to further reduce number of runes. • Set prefix to yes if you are only looking for reapp targets for SPD slot 2. If you don't have a lot of SPD runes, just leave it to yes/no (default) • Only select SPD main stat • Select all sub • Set the sub quantity to 1 sub (default). I'll mention it again in case you forgot: I simply leave it to default since I still roll runes with low base. 

a) I have messed up somewhere b) You might have messed up somewhere c) The setting is unsuitable for your account 

Hello everyone, I'm gonna start this off by saying thanks to anybody who will read this as it will be a long one, and anybody willing to offer me any advice.
PS. This post started as a post where I was asking for college advice, but as I wrote more I realized any advice would be really helpful so I changed the title a bit, Thanks in advance again!
[[ Beware: My whole lifestory coming up combined with tired midnight grammar 😅 ]]
To get to the point, I currently live in Croatia and just turned 19 a couple of months ago and a time has come when I am again thinking about college. Some background on me, from when I was very little I was always interested in engineering and art, it all started when a teacher of mine in the 5th grade of primary school introduced me to programming and robotics. From then on I was in love with everything to do with electronics, robotics, mechanics programming, and fundamental sciences, maybe even math itself, but that's beside the point. During those years the passion for all of that really grew. I went to countless robotics competitions during my time at school there and even won lots of prizes. One time I almost came to world-level competitions but sadly missed the first place by a point. When I was home I sadly didn't have much equipment for any of these interests except a computer. It seemed limitless what I could do with it, whatever I wanted to do I could make it. It's not like electronics where as a kid getting parts was difficult except from old salvaged electronic devices. I could learn and make whatever I wanted, as long as the old family computer could run it. So I started learning a lot about computers during these times like basic algorithms and some basic games random Python scripts etc. In terms of computers, I was no genius, but for the age, I'm grateful I took the time to learn even the basics of it. Other than that I was a somewhat weird kid because I couldn't really take picking off some classmates as a joke and got annoyed at it quickly when they started interrupting me while I was drawing ( My dad was an artist in his youth so I picked that up from him, been scribbling every day in primary school when class was either boring or some kind of recess ) but even though they were picking on me, I to this day still really don't mind them, we were a pretty close class at the end of the day. And that's how most of my primary school went by, me being social with only a few friends and my informatics teacher as well. Other than that I was pretty sad during those years, I couldn't understand people and was contemplating the meaning of life as well, and that combined with me inheriting some stubbornness from mom, she and I were always fighting for homework, screentime, etc. Right now we are in a very good relationship so I'm greatful for that aswell. Seeing how I didnt really talk outside of school to many people expect a few friends ( I do live in a small village so if they were the same age as me they were in my class ) i basicly spent most of my time while not staying after school in a computer club we had for few hours every couple of days a week, i was cooped upped inside my house, playing with legos, being with grandparents or my cousins or being on computer and doing some programing, scripting, photoshoping and other things you can reasonably excect a child to do. And so passed most of my primary school.
When time came to plan for highschool, I originaly wanted to go to art school, but was quickly turned down by my mother because she thought it wasnt a smart idea. Personaly didn't like it at first, but she is a smart woman so in time i understood. Basicly other then liking to draw and paint, I wanted to go there bacause my best friend from class was going there and he also wanted me to come along. ( Funny how me the least popular guy and the youngest guy in class and he the most popular guy in class while also being the oldest were best friends, but thats a story for another day ) As my mom turned down my suggestion for art school she suggested I go to a school for a Mechatronics Technician. I didnt not like the idea as well I loved everything related to it. Other than that another option was Computer Technician ( basicly a programming oriented path ) but I decided mechatronics because i said to myself i can learn programing at home because the only tools i need are a computer, and mechanics, electronics and robotics is something I dont have at home so it will be really cool to learn all of that here and so, highschool started.
Oh how fast has the reality come crashing down as I understood what the whole mess of the education system actualy was. Most of the classes didnt have any equipment to actualy do anything practical, the other small portion that did the rest lf the 95% of class didnt understand anything so we couldnt do much or what was the more often scenario is that the proffesors just didnt really care at all so we would come to class and do absolutly nothing, like literaly nothing except waiting for the bell to ring. After i realised that I just started not coming to school most quite a bit. Mostly was not comming on fridays, some wednesdays etc most of the times I was actualy abit sick, but every time i was sick i exadurated it so my mom would let me stay home. Even though i was missing quite a bit of classes, if a class had something to do with math or logical thinking ( which most were ) i would usualy either be best at it in the class or almost the best for the pure reason I was actualy really interested and loved all the cool engineering stuff. On the other side if a subject was about 0 logic, full random name memorisation like the croatian literature class, I was almost if not the worst in class managing just barely to scrape by. Other than that there was one proffesor who I admired so much for his style of teaching, as he tought me so much during the only 2 years he lectured me ( my fourth year of highschool he was out because pention ). In simply half a year we went from 0 knowledge to designing, printing, creating and soldering a whole circuit on a pcb, I was always there for his classes. On the other time we were doing something else, he always had some cool stuff prepared when i was finished with work early, he was a great guy and still respect him alot. Other than that i was really disapointed how there existed zero after school activities that i could do that had to do anything with electronic, mechanics, robotics or programing.
On the side of my social life, the summer just before starting highschool I realised this was a great opportunity to redeem myself as i really didnt want to get picked on like in primary school. So what other kind of persona would somebody come up in this situation than one being supported by my pride itself, other than that i was basicly a "chameleon" aka adapting to every person around me which was probably the reason i made some friends but it usualy tired me out completly. And so it started really great actualy, nobody was picking on me, i was socialising ( only inside of my class usualy, other than the people who went to this town from my village that i already knew, but it was a big step up for me ) and learned how to shrug of others banter by pretending it didnt effect me. It was definitly in a better possition then primary school alright, but i did realise alot of people just moving away sometimes because of how i just increased pridefulness as i got more vulnerable. I think i was able to keep my pride to just below some overflowing point as i still managed to make a few friends.
And so some time passed, at home watching more videos about everything to do with engineering, getting a 3d printer and messing with it, programing some more and even trying to learn some business, economy and more about money. I even developed a game for the school as some special thing I got by talking to a teacher of mine. Other than that at the third year, thanks to a profesor i was able to get in touch with a software development company and was able to secure an internship for basicly the whole summer, which was a blast. I learned so much new things that opened doors to alot more things. After that i focused my random "Jack of all trades" learning to be mostly focused on modern used technologies, and the needs of possible job recruiters, and well it in general. That is the point i feel i truly started learning proper programing.
More on my development of pride, in highschool and in primary school i was actualy praised quite alot and being actualy abit good at something maybe was the thing that allowed me to get even some friends by being prideful. We can call that being lucky as the stars alligned, but anyways. During those years i also had two experiences with me falling in love for the first time. The first one didnt last more than a 4ish months maybe, it was basicly a crush thing that ended in a broken heart, but o boy it was a good waking called. I wonder what would happen to me without this realisation. Then the next one lasted basicly 7-8ish months in the 4th year of highschool, and this one was much more complicated and longer, but after it i learned quite a new few things. These two things really awoken me to who i am today, as i try to live each day with as much virtue as I can. I threw out the pride out of the window, and dont really care too much of somebodies bad opinions on me, if there are currently any. I came to terms with alot of things and am just able to accept things for what they are, without judgment.
As im writing this its quite late and am tired so sorry for bad grammar i want to shorten this abit. Basicly my whole life i loved scientists, engineers and the idea of colledge. Was always dreaming of becomingba "great scientist" like albert einstein or nikola tesla but the older i got, the more things i learned, the more that dream of going to colledge got shattered by reality. As i realised the giant flaws in the education system, after learning about money and realising colledges are just big businesses trying to earn alot of money, and that that is their main motivation, combines with seeing that scientists basicly to get any money and recognition these days need to literaly hop from trend to trend, research what is "in" currently or well no bread on the table just made the academia route of my life shatter before my eyes. Seeing how i knew quite abit computers i thought i could atleast land something, but after seeing people who were much longer in the industry praise me for a impressive knowledge on alot of fields and my ability to almost instantly grasp any concept thrown at me, i actualy got a job. Well this was how I decided to start working immediatly instead of going to colledge. After weighing the options combined with the additional knowledge i got about the job market, this was an obvious choice. I believe that my key to being objective is me being realistic, so sadly i know am not some do it all genious and know i need to rely on whatever i have to use as leverage to enhance my life, so learning from Warren Buffet that out of everything I got, my time was my biggest asset. Simply being young with the above average skills i have, I believe i have a reasonably good chance to have a virtous and fulfiling life.
But i still have that burning flame in my chest, i still love the idea i had of colledge, of becoming a scientist, an engineer. I tried looking for ways to convince myself otherwise and see that i was actualy wrong about it all, but each time i look, more and more i realise my initial assumptions were right. The world is slowly moving away from official education like colledges as everything can be learnt online, because of ai the next few years are going to be revolutionary in all of these fields so either the colledge courses are going to be very outdated or just some concept of a job will not simply be needed as a diffrent one apears. The posibilities and their volatility is just so high that i dont feel even 1% safe actualy going to colledge, seeing how devoting like 5 years to it will mean loosing the onlx advantage i can use, and that is me starting out young. And as a bonus because i have a job i actualy have more time than colledge to persume my other interest like mechanics and electronics as well as actualy funds.
Thanks for reading all of this, I can trust it was quite a journey reading everything i written basicly half asleep but i hope you were able to understand everything. Im really confused what to do, as I love both options but knowing that one has a much better chance of being useful to me than the other. Any advice you can give me will be greatly appriciated, be it about college like is there an actualy good colledge in europe thats is worth it in my place, or general life stuff, about work etc. Once again I cannot thank you enough for reading this and helping me. Thanks!
Edit: I havent said much about my job because this is more of a general reddit but for people who are in the field I am a backend developer, with some freelancing and opensource contributions on the side

Over 30% of first, second and third grade elementary students who have communicated with strangers online, including on social media, have sent photos or videos of themselves, according to a survey by the Tokyo metropolitan government.
The metropolitan government has called for the implementation of filtering tools that limit children’s access to social media platforms and other online content as a preventative measure.
The survey was conducted from Jan. 5 to 19 with 2,000 parents and guardians who allow their elementary, junior high school or high school children to have their own smartphone or tablet device.
Asked if their children had communicated with strangers on social media or other online platforms, 19% of respondents said “Yes.” The largest age bracket to respond in the affirmative was elementary school students in first, second and third grade (22.6%), followed by high school students (20.6%), junior high school students (18.4%) and elementary school students in fourth, fifth and sixth grade (14.2%).
Regarding the details of their online communications with strangers, 61.7% of all respondents answered with “exchanging messages,” and 37.5% answered with “playing online games against each other and chatting.”
The percentage of children who had exchanged photos or videos of their faces or bodies came to 20.3%. The percentage was highest among elementary school children in first, second and third grade at 33.6%.
“Young children do not understand the risks of social media and other online content, and they tend to fall into danger easily,” an official of the metropolitan government said. “In order to protect children from online dangers, a combination of measures needs to be taken, such as using filtering tools and making rules on the use of smartphones.”
Yomiuri Shimbun

Looking for answers: my dad’s death
Hi CVille Reddit community. I am looking for y’all to come through for me on this one. I’m 35 years old and have lived in Connecticut/Massachusetts most of my adult life. But I grew up in Charlottesville, moving here up north to New England after fourth grade (Brownsville elementary in Crozet, stand up!!) for my mom’s teaching position.
I am looking for Redditors or loved ones of redditors who worked at The Colonnades assisted living facility (top floor) on Barracks Road anytime between 1998 and 2005. My dad lived and died there. In 2005, when I was 16 years old. His death devastated me. We were the best of friends.
I never found out any details about his death (my remaining nuclear family is super toxic), and I am now desperately seeking answers. Please reply if you can help, message me, or talk to your loved ones. I’ve seen this community do wonderful things in the past. I just ask that you take this into your heat.

For me, it was when my fourth grade teacher pulled me aside and explained that my mother calling people incessantly after they said stop was harassment.
I honestly think she knew on some level but didn’t have the proof. That was my first big tip off.

First, for context; I was raised in a household where I would get either physically or mentally beaten if I did something wrong. For example, if I were to talk back to my mother she would mentally hurt me, which is why I have a low ego and constant suicidal thoughts. Now I'm an even worse person who gets mad every time someone comes into my room.
My mom believes that I am an asshole and I do too. I also get mad when anyone touches me without permission, causing me to flinch back and make them either worried or upset. I have lashed out at my own mother for touching me multiple times without permission and she tends to insult me when I do so.
I do have feelings, I'm not some emotionless person who doesn't care about anyone at all, (Not that people who hide their emotions are all like that) but I like to keep my bad emotions hidden since I used to get bullied for being the crybaby. My bad emotions are saved until I'm at home and reading, that's when I let all my bad emotions out. Nobody cares about how I'm doing (if I'm feeling bad), and I enjoy that lack of attention; which is why I like keeping my emotions hidden.
I found a quote that perfectly describes how I am in public: Chin up, Princess, or the crown slips. I'm not sure where it comes from, or who said it, but in my mind I'm always saying to myself Don't show your emotions. I hate myself for this, but I feel I should find a way to get over it.
Anyways, enough backstory, I just accidentally hurt my dog because I was mad, but gave her some treats right after because I felt bad. I feel like an asshole because I feel like I mentally hurt everyone around me. I don't deserve anyone who's nice to me because I just put on a mask so I can keep friends. I'm the definition of a faker and I don't get why I'm still alive if I just hurt everyone around me. I take everyone for granted and if they get mad at me my mask just slips off. The only negative emotion I show in public is anger and even when I do show my anger I just get backlash anyways so I always try to apologise either the next day or in the next 2 hours. Sorry to anyone who's actually taking time out of their day to read this, I know it's long. I've been forgotten by my father, who left when I was born; He doesn't even have partial custody and he forgot that I exist, leading him to forget my birthday last year. I'm basically the opposite of a narcissist, (for anyone reading this who doesn't know what a narcissist is: it's someone who has too high of an ego) meaning I hate everything about me, from my mind to my body to my personality to my life. I have thoughts of death every day and I know most people want long happy lives, but I don't.
I kind of just feel the want to get on a private jet as the pilot and purposely crash the plane.
I do self harm, but not cutting, I'll get into that later. I already have the tools to hurt myself. I sometimes pick at my body while finding everything that people hate about me, even if they don't say it. I honestly am a brat, and my mom is so helpful at cheering me up. Lies. She is awesome at making me feel better about myself. Lies. My dad is always there for me. Lies. My life is absolutely awesome. More lies. I honestly hate everything about me, like I already said. I feel like everyone I love is so happy and has a great life, other than this one friend of mine who is going through the same thing as me. We both seemed to have started getting suicidal thoughts for the same reasons. Our grandparents hate us (In my case grandparent) and they treat us like dog shit and as if we're not human. We also started having these thoughts at the beginning of our fourth grade year (In which we were in the same class.) The only two things keeping me alive right now is that I'm a fucking pussy who can't act on her thoughts, and that I have things to research that I wish I had. A recent example was a study of skin cancer. I enjoy starving myself, which is one of the only types of self harm I do; The other type of self harm consists of picking at my skin with any objects that will pinch, basically I would use a crab's claw if I got that desperate to feel pain. Pain brings me joy for some reason. I'm not talented, I'm only skilled. I have nothing special to keep me going and I'm a financial burden on my already struggling mother. Sometimes I just think of killing myself but then I think about why my mom would think. All of her friends either forget about her, abandon her, or die.
I can't talk to my mom about anything, because she's not reliable with emotions. What I can rely on her to do is feed my want for my life to end quickly.
I've also tried suffocating myself as if the self harm wasn't enough, (which it wasn't) and I've tried drowning myself multiple times. I'm just really tired of this sickening excuse for my life, if nothing brings me joy anymore. I'm not even that old, I'm not going to say my age but I'm not old. I honestly need to get my life together and suck all of my life's problems up; maybe from then on I can actually be happy. I have mental issues, which don't make this any better. I have frequent panic and anxiety attacks, (usually one after another) and I think keeping the mask of happiness isn't going to help me. If anyone else has been through this stomach twisting state of mind or anything remotely similar, please help me.
If this counts as anything, the two things that bring me a little bit of joy are designing my room and painting, which I don't even do often.

ok, i very rarely use reddit but i dont know anywhere else that i can get an anonymous word out so im doing it here.
essentially me and my best friend, ill call her E, have been close for very long. we've called each other best friends since fourth grade and we're both in our senior year right now. (im a guy and she's a girl if that matters, but theres never ever been anything romantic between us, i do not like women 👍)
last year for junior prom, in the middle of the school year i asked E if she wanted to get ready together and go together, and she said yes. right before tickets are starting to be sold, i ask her again to make sure she still wants to, and she says yes, but the next day she tells me that she's actually getting ready with and bringing a different friend. it really hurt my feelings but i dont say anything because i didnt know if i did something wrong. we hung out at prom together, but i had to drive there alone and show up alone and i didnt get any pictures.
this year, because we're still best friends, i asked E again at the beginning of the year and she said yes. then i asked her again in the middle of the year to make sure and she said yes, and i asked her again when senior prom was being talked about and stuff, saying like "you really don't have to if you don't want to" and she still said yes. then tickets start being sold, and she gets in the car on the way to school (we carpool) and i'm like "so are we still going to senior prom together?" and she tells me that she is going with someone else, but that we can hang out when we're there. and i just say okay and she can already see im crying but that was like 99% because my cat had passed away the previous day so i think she thought thats all it was.
(side note: i was not asking in a way that would prevent her from getting into a romantic relationship- both times, i said something along the lines of "if you don't get a romantic date, would you wanna go together?" i was also very aware she did not want anything even close to a romantic relationship at the time)
a lot of stuff has been going on in my life and making me weird and sad and uncomfortable to be around im guessing, so im thinking my judgment could be impaired here. am i missing something that i did wrong? because E is really a wonderful person. should i tell her that it hurt my feelings? i just dont understand anything right now

Im in fourth grade, and there’s this person who we’ll call Sam. Sam is so rude, but only to me. In recess, she called a person (we’ll call her Kris) a rude ugly donkey. Here’s the exact words; Sam’s bff “-Kris. Sam: that’s why she’s so ugly and stupid”. Now Kris is a friend of mine so I told her, and she told a recess/lunch monitor. Now I am dumb as ever so I was like ʅ（◞‿◟）ʃ but I didn’t get away with it. As we talked I (yes ME) got in trouble. Me, ME!? She called her a donkey! Lunch monitor: Maybe you herd her wrong!” But I herd it loud and clear. Wow.After this, I literally destroyed her by getting her in trouble multiple times now. Eventually she got kicked out of school for bullying and lying PLUS I got an apology from a teacher.
Am I the jerk? Now I’d be completely honest here and say no. She screamed at me for minor accidents, she smacked me, she ignored me, everything! So I think I’m NOT the jerk. Peace!

Hi, im Vinncent, Vinn for short. I've been struggling with my identity and sexuality for years now, maybe since, what, fourth grade?
The other day, I started rethinking everything about myself. Before that, I was a Genderqueer, Polyamarous, Neopronouns using, Omnisexual.
Today I stand infrot of you as a proud; -Genderfaun -Polyamarous -Neopronouns User -Person in the Asexual Spectrum -Panattraction
(Panattraction is the term I've created to best fit my sexuality.)
Im still not exactly sure where I'm headed, but I hope it's some place nice. :]
-V💚

Medyo mahaba ito so if you can spare 30 min, go ahead. This is also a throwaway account to keep anonymity.
Hi, I'm a M, in my late 20s.
My dad is an OFW, so our mom served as our father figure when he is away 9 months a year.
I have a tita who acted as my mother figure, and a sister.
Yung tatay ko naman ay responsable at malambing sa nanay namin.
Let's just say I always admired him, and always wanted to be like him, and fulfill his wishes.
Lagi niya kasi ako binubulungan na kapag lumaki na daw ako, bibilhan ko siya ng sasakyan. Utang na loob ba.
Well, I tried to be like him, think like him, act like him. Tingin ko kasi yun ang paraan para maging mabait siya sakin. Papaano kasi takot ang tinanim niya sa isip naming magkakapatid.
Until I realized my values don't align with his.
Balik tayo sa childhood. I always find him confusing since my childhood days.
Sa tuwing uuwi siya, pagbubuhatin lang niya ako ng bagahe niya habang malambing niyang binabati yung sister at mom ko.
Isa lang yan sa mga confusing na behaviors niya, kumbaga sa relasyon eh mixed signals lagi.
Pero inisip ko nalang eh kasi lalaki akong anak kaya siguro ganun, dapat tigasin ang trato.
Pero bakit nga ba confusing? Kasi kapag nandyan nanay namin ang bait bait ng tatay namin eh. Pero kapag pumapasok na si nanay sa trabaho, nag-iiba yung ugali ni tatay, nagiging hostile siya up to the point na unreasonable na. Tawag nga sa kanya ng kapatid ko, bully kasi ugaling bully talaga minus pagbubuhat ng kamay.
Paano nga ba siya naging hostile?
Una, hindi mo malapitan kasi nakasinghal palagi at nakasimangot. Tapos palagi may session yan na tuturuan niya kami magluto o papanoorin kami gumawa ng gawaing bahay, para lang punahin bawat galaw namin sabay mura, ad hominem at kumpara sa ibang mga bata. Tapos siya na tatapos ng gawain after niya kami pahiyain. The rest of the day, walang nagsasalita siya lang. He will always rant about anything, basta palagi siya "galit" mode.
Tapos uuwi na si nanay. Sa dinner table, kapag kinakamusta kami ni nanay, inuunahan kami sumagot ni tatay. Kahit kitang kita naman sa mukha namin na hindi kami okay kasama itong tatay namin, hindi namin masabi kay nanay. Nakakatakot magsumbong eh. Tapos ano pa yan, babalik siya sa pagiging mabait at malambing na tatay. Ganyan siya kapag kasama namin si nanay.
Maybe I always knew something is off, that's why it felt weird when he tried to gaslight us. He always says "alam ng magulang ang nakabubuti sa anak" pero hindi naman marunong magturo.
At kapag hindi niya nakukuha gusto niya sa amin (after all his antics and hostility), magiging passive aggressive siya. Kapag gusto niya kami gumising ng maaga, magpapatugtog yan ng stereo ng malakas. Gusto niya kasi probinsya style, eh that time todo puyat na ko sa school sa dami ng pinapasang requirements.
O kaya kapag nagkukulong ako sa kwarto studying, sisinghal uli yan ng "ano ba yan palagi nalang kayo nasa kwarto" na may kasamang mura syempre.
Nanay namin never nagmura sa harap namin.
Heck, there is even one time na nagising ako 11am because I slept at 4am doing schoolwork. Pucha pagising ko singhal agad itong tatay namin na palaging galit at sabi ba naman sa akin, "huwag ka na kumain" (mag alamusal). Edi pumunta nalang ako sa study table para ituloy yung assignment ko. Pero gigil na gigil ako sa galit nun at mangiyak-iyak ako. Sa isip ko, grabe naman 'to, first time ko lang magpuyat ng sagad galit na agad inabot ko. At first time na may nagalit sa akin dahil sa nag-aral ako? LMAO.
Then our aunt (na maglalayas later on kasi lagi siya sinisigawan ng tatay namin) said, "bakit naman ganun" as she tried to reason out how unreasonable our dad is.
Well, it took me years to realize na yung ginagawa niya sa amin, hybrid ng bully parenting at gaslighting.
Pero bakit nga ba siya hindi marunong magturo?
Ganito yon, I still remember when he tried to teach us how to cook but he didn't tell us the basics. Grade 1 ako na hindi marunog magbukas ng kalan. Edi hindi umapoy. Singhal agad si g*go. Sabay mura, panglalait, at ikukumpara ka na sa mga batang salat sa buhay, na hindi daw kasi kami lumaki ng probinsya.. yun pala may hinanakit siya kasi our mom insisted na bumukod sa fam ni tatay sa province, kasi ayaw ni mom na may in-laws na nangingialam. Eh itong tatay namin, obssessed sa pagiging probinsyano niya.
But, kasalanan ba ng mga bata yun? Kami pa talaga pinagbuntungan. Lol.
Lol kahit nga paraan ng pag-kain dapat daw "European"
yung naka fork at knife kahit sinigang ang ulam kasi pagtatawanan daw kami. Ewan, idol na idol niya siguro mga "puti" (yan tawag niya sa Europeans) kaka-cruise ship niya.
Oo, seaman siya.
At first I thought ganun lang siya samin kasi nga "alam ng magulang ang nakabubuti sa anak" until I found a pattern on how he treats people.
Sadly, I found out about it late and I just ignored all his antics all throughout my childhood.
So ganito. By default, palagi siya nakasinghal at hindi nakikinig sa opinyon ng ibang tao na tingin niya ay mas mababa sa kanya.
Oo, sobrang bait niyan kapag alam niyang mayaman yung tao o kaya may "narating sa buhay"
Else, mapanglait na at walang respeto.
Worst thing is, mahilig siya manlait towards lgbt, sa body shaming mahilig rin, dog lover daw pero nagbabanta na pumatay ng aso, maka Leni lang kasi si Mar Roxas talaga idol niya kasi ka-probinsya niya, etc.
Heck, there was even one time na may trabahador sa bahay namin na halos natutuliro na sa takot kasi lagi niya sinisigawan at palagi pinupuna pati personal life. Self-righteous catholic pero mapanglait sa kapwa.
There is also another time na lumayas yung auntie ko sa bahay namin kasi lagi rin niya sinisinghalan at pinupuna (sister in law niya si auntie, pero si auntie kasi helper ang trabaho so alam mo na bakit siya ganun kay auntie).
And many more..
Until one day, I realized na lumalapit na ako sa breaking point.
Papaano, tanda-tanda ko na (early 20s) pero minumura pa rin niya ako at pinupuna. Pangit daw pagkakalatag ng kable sa pc setup ko (paki mo ba lol), payat ko daw kaya dapat mag-gym ako kasi maganda daw bato-bato ang katawan sa lalaki (oo mahilig mangbody shame yan ng boksingero na payat na parang wala siyang alam sa weight class sa boxing lol)
at ang tanda-tanda ko na daw di pa daw ako marunong magdrive (who cares about age lol).
Eh siya? Tanda-tanda na niya hindi parin siya marunong magturo ng maayos.
Idol ko pa siya nito kaya nagpapaturo pa ko magdrive sa kanya. Kaso wala, puro mura lang inabot ko, pangkukumpara sa mga babae na mas mabilis daw magpatakbo (lmao sexist na insecure ata) at kung anu-ano pa.
Muntikan na nga sila mag-away ng nanay ko kasi sagot ng nanay ko "ano ba problema mo sa mga babae" kasi puro "babae kasi" ang sinasabi ng tatay namin kapag may mabagal na sasakyan, etc.
Mind you, I never gained confidence until I am forced to drive on my own kuha ng pandemic at dahil yun sa wala siya sa tabi ko na sinisinghalan ako kada sa galaw ko, witch matching na "p*** ka".
Worse thing is, "wala, wala talaga." tapos hindi ka naman icocorrect. Manghuhula pa ako san ako nagkamali lol. How can you build confidence on that?
Then the breaking point happened.
Komprontahan na.
Nung umuwi siya that year, nag breakdown na ako sa harap ng pamilya. Ayaw pa niya aminin yung mga ginagawa niya lol. He even tried to dismiss and invalidate me, the usual stuff you know. Buti nalang nandyan nanay namin to mediate.
Since then I realized that I will never please him, at nasa 20s na ako pero ganun pa rin siya sa akin. Actually, simula childhood ko hostile na siya sakin.
Heck, I should just walk my own path and stop emulating him. So I stopped imitating him. I dropped his toxic values that felt weird to me, and I followed my own. I felt happy, and at peace.
Then I started meeting people and connecting with them, the right people. Those people who corrected my bad values, and from there I slowly started to change.
I stopped connecting with my old friends of my old self, because not only I was imitating someone who I'm not, but I am chasing an identity that does not align with them.
I finally followed my passion (gusto ng tatay ko kasi mag seaman ako lol), embraced the affectionate side of myself (dati kasi bawal maging malambing hindi daw kasi trait ng lalaki yun), and became more open to people (kahit lgbt pa) and I never discriminated again.
I stopped caring on what others will view me (laging rason ng tatay ko sa mga turo is para hindi daw kami pagtawanan ng iba). Yung takot ko dati na mapagtawanan tinapon ko na. You do you.
I still remember my college days na mapanglait ako sa mga classmates namin na hindi marunong sa mga main subjects. Eh dahil ba sa magaling ako dapat ko na gawin yun? Namana ko pala yung ugaling yun sa tatay ko.
I stopped catcalling, I stopped thinking women as inferior gender, I stopped being a hypocrite Catholic (yes he is a solid Catholic na lumuhod kay virgin mary kada umaga pero ang baba ng tingin sa mga babae), I stopped all the toxic things na nakuha ko sa tatay ko.
I am still in the process of finding who I am and evolving my values, but I never felt this free kaya I am happy to break out of his shadow. Tuloy lang ang buhay at pag-eexplore.
Sarap pala sa feeling na magkaroon ng mga kaibigan. People who are really your tribe. Yung mga dati ko kasing kaibigan, kuhang-kuha rin yung values at ugali na nakuha ko sa tatay ko. I felt like I belonged there but there is always something off.
But not everything is good kasi ang naging kapalit ng breaking free from my father's shadow is, naging distant ako sa tatay ko.
Trauma na din siguro. First, ayoko lang na nasa paligid siya. Mixed emotions eh. Kung hindi anxiety, inis lang nararamdaman ko. Saka para bang nagiging defensive ako, I feel like he will say something bad everytime he comes near me to start a conversation.
Kapag naririnig ko siya na sumisinghal o kahit malakas lang boses eh naalala ko ang lahat. Kapag may minumura siyang mga holdaper sa balita o nagdadabog habang nanonood ng basketball, naalala ko lahat.
Second, I don't know how to express my real self to him. I just know he will never understand kasi salungat na mga values ko sa kanya.
Wala na kami ibang pinaguusapan kundi basketball and that's it.
Third, I consider myself geek and well-read. He is the opposite, and he is street smart (laking probinsya, worked blue collar jobs in Manila in his 20s), but at the same time I can feel his hostility towards smart people. Kasi palagi yan nagsasabi, "pag pinadala yan sa probinsya wala yan"
I get him, but I feel like I am walking on eggshells kasi baka matrigger siya at yung maging response niya mag-trigger din sa mga unresolved trauma ko from him. Mahirap imagine kapag nangyari yun, kasi baka magkagulo nalang talaga.
Fourth, it took 3 years before he become fully nice to me. In denial pa kasi siya sa "awkwardness" namin. Todo iwas kasi ako.
The first year nangpupuna pa rin siya, the second year he is still trying to insist his values. Those two years were hell though, kasi kapag ginagawa niya yan, silent treatment ginagawa ko. Hindi naman kasi siya marunong makinig sa palinawag ng isang taong mas "bata" sa kanya.
Also, he never changed his attitude towards others. Mabait lang sa akin kasi confronted ko na siya. Mapanlait pa rin siya sa iba, yung kapatid ko nga sinasabihan pa rin niyang mataba hanggang ngayon. Pero malapit na rin yun sa breaking point niya.
Until today, never kami nag-outing ng pamilya ko na buo since the confrontation happened.
I just can't stand hearing his voice. Naalala ko lahat eh.
Also, I need to match his energy at kapag hindi ko kaya, I just avoid him. Minsan walang kibo nalang talaga.
Look, days are good if I can match his energy. Para kasing machine gun yun dumaldal. Singhal agad tapos mabilis, tapos walang paki sa social cues dadaldalin ka agad. So matching his energy is exhausting.
Hindi kasi ako yung taong nangpaplastik. Magkaiba kami ng values eh, minsan may mga nasasabi pa yan na bigla nalang ako nattrigger.
So that's the aftermath.
One thing I realized is hindi ko naman pala siya dapat i-please para hindi siya maging hostile sakin.
But it feels staged at parang naging standoff lang.
Maybe I am still expecting some level of affection kasi wala eh, tatay ko pa rin siya. Baka naman kasi kaya ko pa rin maging affectionate sa kanya just like how I am with my tita (mother figure), mom (father figure), and sister.
How did I know that I can? Madali lang sa akin makipagkaibigan sa mga lalaking mas matanda sa akin, sa mga kuya, manong, at lolo. Kahit na same pa sila ng values sa tatay ko, kaya ko. Kaya ko makisama sa ibang tao, pero bakit sa kanya hirap ako?
Hindi ko alam, hindi kasi ako makaramdam ng peace to be affectionate sa tatay ko. Lalim kasi ng hugot at sugat eh. Ganun siguro.
Hindi madali but I am doing it for my mom. Kitang-kita ko kasi yung saya ng nanay ko kapag nag-uusap kami ng tatay ko. Kahit sandali lang, happy na siya na makitang may moments na "okay" kami ng tatay ko.
Well, I'll just give her that.
I still think of my mom as the father figure, siya kasi yung balance ng disciplinarian at affectionate traits. I respect her.
Yung tatay ko naman, I simlply can't think of him as a father figure anymore. I dropped it already. His hostility to me for 20+ years is not easy to forget. I stopped chasing his approval, at hindi ko siya dapat ginaya. I realized that I don't respect him the same as my mom, takot lang talaga ako sa kanya nung bata ako, at ngayon I still have unresolved issues with him.
I guess hindi na talaga maaayos ng tuluyan yung relationship namin. In the words of nanay "may lamat na ba talaga anak?"
Oo nalang talaga ang sagot ko, because my way to keep my sanity is by setting boundaries and part of it is by being distant to him when I need to.
Thank you for reading.

Hi, I know some of you have been interested in Joost’s written stuff, so this is one of them. It’s a short story that Joost wrote for Boekenweek voor Jongeren (Book Week for Young People) in 2019. There’s more info about it here (in Dutch) https://www.vice.com/nl/article/qvgzpv/joost-klein-schreef-een-kort-verhaal-over-een-wilde-nacht-in-berlijn and there was also this promo video for it https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wx7wxnpxps0. It's been translated from Dutch - maybe not the most perfect translation but it's readable. Original in Dutch here. Enjoy

"How come he suddenly has cash?" I looked at Gurb, but he avoided my gaze. Louis never had money and yet he was buying another round. Meanwhile, a Moby song was playing and nothing made sense. "If he has money for drinks, he can surely pay me back, right?"
Just a few hours ago, I was alone in Berlin. Now, ten hours later, I'm standing in some obscure techno club with my best friends. Loud rock music with drunken shouting. "Hey, Miss Murder, can I make beauty stay if I take my life?" I woke up that day with a mild hangover from the lonely yet people-filled night before. Perfect conditions for a 20-year-old dropout.
The Hard Rock Café was the most beautifully ugly place in Berlin. Gurb had driven for seven hours straight in his mother's car, but we didn't notice. An iconic black Mini Cooper. Your body leads your mind, the beat never stops, and you can conquer the world. Louis threw in another crazy dance move. We were happy.
"Do you want another drink, brother?" Gurb asked me, half shouting. An evening filled with rhetorical questions. He saw me dancing and already knew the answer.
Gurb always had money. Louis, on the other hand, never did. Louis was also the youngest of us three. He had just turned 18. I wouldn't call him a cunning fox. More like a jack-of-all-trades. Like the time he made a lot of money on a Wadden Island with a group of boys. They sold large blocks of hash.
"Crazy dude!" I shouted at him. He yelled something back.
"Do you remember back then?" Louis said.
"Back then? Back then? Yeah man, of course!" I had no idea what he meant. "Do you mean the party?"
"Do you mean the party, he says! This guy. When I look at you like this, it makes me happy. The exact same kid is here letting loose just like back in high school!"
We knew each other from secondary school. He joined when I was in the second grade. He was very intelligent. Too young, too much knowledge of the world. His mother is from Brazil. We often went to his mother's place to play on the Playstation Louis and I had bought together.
I lived everywhere at that time. In the crisis shelter where I stayed for a while, for example, I wasn't allowed to have a Playstation. So we set it up in an accessible place, near school. It was always fun with Louis. Going together to the Apple Store. Taking all kinds of photos with all the webcams, posting them on Hyves, and then leaving. Louis always knew how to cheer me up.
"Aaaaaaaaaa!" There was Gurb with five drinks in his hands. Gurb was wearing a blue checkered shirt. Two buttons undone. Hair slicked back. "You look good, brother!"
"You look fresh too! We all look fresh!" Gurb said enthusiastically. Louis was wearing a completely white outfit. We quickly bought this before going out. He also bleached his hair.
"You look like the Brazilian cousin of James Dean in these clothes," I said. Louis laughed. "Let me take a picture."
Suddenly, the DJ switched to some kind of techno. "Ah, here Berlin briefly takes off its mask." I was fine with it all. Louis was talking to a lady.
Voluptuous breasts, I thought to myself. He gave her one of his two drinks.
"He's with a girl and he's thinking with his dick," I said to Gurb. "Let him be, tonight Berlin is ours!"
The bass kept pounding. "I simply don't have the patience for the club," I said to Gurb. He looked surprised. Like a sweet dog, tilting his head. "I'm just waiting for tomorrow. Can't do my thing here. Don't have patience for the already known. I want adventure and I want it now!"
Gurb started laughing. "Patience is a virtue." Yes. Patience is all well and good, but I think it's a waste of my time. Gurb grabbed my shoulder.
"I think it's time for another beer."
Louis and I were walking through Leeuwarden a year ago when suddenly a red Ford Ka stopped in front of us. It was Gurb, casually driving around the city. He invited us into his car. We hopped in. Since that afternoon, the three of us were together. A few months later, Louis got a tattoo on his ribs in honor of our friendship. It was the name of our group chat. Braddar Force Indigo.
There were also days when Gurb would take me for a drive around Friesland. He reminded me how beautiful Friesland is. The world doesn't spin there. The newspapers I threw away in the Stiens forest in 2011 could still be lying in the same spot, so to speak.
Just before midnight, I found myself in line for the restroom. My eyes fell on a pair of striking shoes. Cigarette smoke invaded my nose for the fourth time. "Müssen Sie eine Zigarette haben?" a female voice spoke to me. I felt like Tom Hanks in the final scene of Angels & Demons, where the new pope first steps onto the balcony. The curtains opened. There I was, witnessing an important moment in history. I was just told how I was sent by God, but my ears didn't want to hear any of it. At least that's how I felt. My mouth was empty. I had no words left. That's when I knew for sure. Berlin might really be as crazy as literally everyone says.
Dark blond, silky hair. Was this real beauty then? She wouldn't look 40, but I think she was. A true woman. Beautiful in all her elegance. I always joked about being interested in older women, but tonight one stood in front of me. "I don't smoke," I said to her.
Someone tapped me. "Please, just go to the toilet!" He was right. I hadn't peed in a while either. My urine was cloudy. "Glomerulonephritis," I said to myself on the toilet. This is an unusual condition. It's an inflammation in the kidneys, I thought I remembered. They should never have given me access to Google.
The evening progressed, and Louis kept buying rounds. "But seriously now. How does Louis suddenly have all that money for drinks?" I asked Gurb. He was outside smoking with a group of Swiss girls. I had strategically positioned myself so that I could always leave the crime scene if necessary.
"You shouldn't ask me," said Gurb. He was laughing with the temporary girlfriend group of Louis. Gurb has a beard. A lot of chicks like that. I get it too.
As much as I enjoyed Louis and Gurb being here for me, something didn't sit right with me. It couldn't just be about the money. "What's up with him?" I heard one of the Swiss girls say to Gurb.
Those kinds of questions really tire me out. "Not much, with you?" I replied.
They all started laughing. "That's not what she meant, brother," said Gurb.
"I couldn't care less whether she meant it or not. Send that brace-face back to Switzerland. Don't drive me crazy, alright!"
Actually, I hadn't drunk that much that evening. "Two vodka Sprites, please!" It's rare for me to get just one drink. "I always get two drinks, then you have to wait shorter for the third one!" Maybe the alcohol was affecting me more than I wanted to admit. Oh well, it was still the three of us against the world.
"Nice shoes, are those Prada?" I asked a random girl at the bar.
"No, these are fake. Why would I buy real ones for 600 dollars if I could just buy these for 20?"
"..."
I'm not very good at that. Talking. To women.
Louis and Gurb were in the smoking area now. It was less blue than the dance floor itself. My clothes already stank, so a visit to the smoking area couldn't hurt. "These people are so underground!" Gurb shouted. Louis was filming him with his phone. "These people..." There was a brief pause. As if Gurb forgot the only line he had. "...so underground!" All three of us burst into laughter. The alcohol flowed through our veins as if it came from the purest mountains. People seemed doubled and the room was full. We had been in the same club in Berlin for several hours.
"Leonardo! What are you hiding from the big boss?" I sometimes called Louis ‘DiCaprio.’ "You a rich guy, now?" I said, with an accent as if I were from the Bronx.
Louis started laughing. "Eh, you know nothing. Bullshit talk."
I had to laugh too. What was I even worried about? Friends are friends, with or without money. That shouldn't matter. Louis probably just worked for that money. Maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought. Maybe he just had enough to buy rounds. But what if my gut feeling was right? That feeling was never wrong. Except for that one time at the Holland Casino in Groningen. Even the best of us have slip-ups. I was just getting worked up again. When it comes down to it, Louis is one of the sweetest guys I know. I had to let it go. After all, it's still Louis.
"I think I'm going to have sex soon, man," Louis said.
"With who?" I asked immediately.
"That one girl."
"Which one?"
"The one with the boobs."
"Oh, her. Just be careful."
"What kind of reaction is that?" Louis asked indignantly.
I'd only had four drinks, but I was acting like a mess. Louis was right. I didn't understand myself. Where was my head at? I'm here in Berlin, supposed to be having the time of my life, but here I am feeling lonely and sad again. Joost once again couldn't control his emotions.
"Sorry," I suddenly said to Louis. "Sorry for my behavior. Been acting dumb towards you all night. It's unnecessary." Sometimes I have that. Mood swings. "Know that crime is never the solution. We've talked about this so many times. Yes, it's tempting and sometimes easy money. I sometimes find it amusing too, but it's always hypothetical. Ask me for help. I can help you, even with illegal things. I'll always have your back." The dancing was kind of over.
The words I had just placed on Louis's plate came from my heart. My Frisian, irregular boys' heart.
Crying in the club. I had never seen myself like that. Crying, yes. In the club, no. I never understood the taboo around crying. Or emotions in general. I saw myself in the mirror. They weren't tears of joy. They weren't tears of sadness either. It was me letting everything go. All the emotions I had ever felt. The emotions I felt between my brother and sister and myself because they wanted to take on a parental role over me, but I was in puberty, so I pushed them away. The emotions I felt when my old neighbors were supposed to take care of my dog, but didn't tell me that he was bitten by one of their dogs. They didn't have money for the surgery, they later told me. They were ashamed of their lack of money. My dog died from this injury. Even the emotions that were all jumping at once during the retake for my swimming diploma A, I let go of.
No emotions. Just for a moment, not feeling anything. Is that too much to ask for?
"You still don’t smoke?"
It had to be the voice of the woman with the cigarettes. I looked over my shoulder through the mirror. It was her. The one with dark blond, silky hair.
"Not to be rude, but this is the men’s room," I said. She took a step closer and kissed me on my lips. It tasted like more. We started kissing. It had been a while since I had had female contact at this level. It probably didn't look good and it didn't feel good either. She started kissing my neck. Slowly, I noticed the pressure in the erectile tissues of my penis starting to increase. "I really don't have time for this!" I thought to myself. The woman with the cigarettes started to slowly sink down until she was on her knees. I didn't want this. Not now, not like this. She unraveled my penis from my Polo Ralph Lauren underwear. Her tongue was blue. It was probably from cheap shots of alcohol.
Was this real beauty then? Was this the beginning or the end of her story? And had I become the boy my parents hoped I would be? I thought about the fact that this was once someone's little daughter. Somewhere in the world, an old man might be wondering what his daughter is doing. Am I really putting pleasure above my own morals and values?
With my semi-erect circumcised penis still exposed, I lifted her up. After giving her a kiss on her forehead, I pulled up my pants and left the toilets.
It was the usual last hour in any club ever. I met Louis and Gurb at the bar. "Should we have another drink?" I asked Gurb. "I feel like having a cocktail. Something sweet. Lots of sugar. What about you?"
Gurb looked at the menu. "A cognac would go down well right now."
"A cognac? You're only nineteen!" Gurb and Louis laughed. "Two Tequila Sunrises please!" I called to the bartender. "Also, two beers! Thanks!" I also got a beer for Louis. At first, I didn't want to, but I didn't want to spoil the mood either. Besides, I didn't want to show too much that it bothered me so much.
We danced away the last minutes. The club closed, and we decided to walk with the group of Swiss girls. Apparently, they were staying nearby.
As I lagged behind the group, one of them tried to start a conversation with me. "Are you okay?" she asked kindly.
"I'm fine. Just had too much beer. Makes me sleepy." Not true at all, but I've heard people say that.
"You’re tired? The fun has only just began!" And as she said this, she pulled something out of her inner pocket. Her clenched fist, shielded by a half jacket. Who is this girl, anyway? I thought to myself. She opened her hand flat, and right in the center of her palm lay two small pills with a smiley face on them. At least, they looked like it.
"Oh, I don’t do drugs. Sorry."
"Me neither!" And she swallowed a pill. "Now it’s your turn... Or are you scared?"
Scared? Who did this crazy Swiss witch (with really beautiful eyes) think she was. With her "are you scared". I'll show her who's scared.
"Scared? I’m not scared." I picked up the remaining pill and swallowed it.
Everything went in slow motion. Was this who I had become? Was this the same boy from high school? And just before I could swallow, I spat out the pill. She was shocked. I picked up the pill again, dried it with my jacket, and put it back in her fist. "Maybe later!" I shouted, running back to the group, over my shoulder.
I have nothing to say to 9 out of 10 peers I come across. Of course, I can be social. I can also have fun with random people in random situations, but that night, it just tired me out. I also didn't understand what we were doing there. Those girls found me strange anyway. Suddenly, I was the fifth wheel.
"We know this place where they go until 7 in the morning!" The girl leader of the group spoke. I wanted to go home. "If you guys want, you can go. Don't worry about me," I said to Gurb and Louis. The boys had a brief discussion. We agreed to stay for just a little while longer for some drinks. I consented. I was thirsty. "I'll have a Fanta, Louis."
Gurb had reached the last cigarette in his pack. Louis and a girl from the group were nowhere to be found. It didn't even bother me. This guy just walks around with some cash in his pocket and all hell breaks loose. After a night full of stimuli, I understood Louis. Of course, I understood Louis. He's a young god. Handsome, smart guy. But that didn't make me any less angry. It was purely about trust for me. Something inside me said I should stop subconsciously expecting things from people too. It prevents disappointment.
"Hotel please!" I jokingly suggested to Gurb. "Should you call Louis or should I?" I added. Gurb immediately grabbed his Android smartphone and called Louis. He put the call on speaker.
"Are you ready?" Gurb asked.
"Yeah. Sort of."
"What do you mean?"
"We didn't have sex."
"That's fine, right? Tomorrow's a new day!"
"I think I'm in love, man," Louis said.
"...," Gurb said, chuckling as he let out a sigh.
Once we arrived at the girls' hostel, it was already getting light. Louis was thankfully back. There were stains on his pants, around his knees. My focus was solely on arranging a taxi. Although the boys were still flirting, I was really done now. "How are we going to pay for this taxi?" I said a bit too loudly.
There was a silence. "Don't worry. I still have cash," Gurb said.
"Yeah, I knew you would," I replied.
My words clearly hit Louis. "What do you mean by that?" he said.
It was as if time stood still for a few seconds. "Exactly what I said. Better listen." Louis pulled out a small wad of green bills from his pocket. At least 400 euros. "I don't even want to see that money," I reacted. I walked away.
I'll just order a taxi myself.
"Why are you walking away now?" Gurb said.
"Twelve hours ago, I was alone too, and I had a lot more fun then."
"Do you really want to know how I got this money?" Louis said.
Yes, I did want to know. My whole evening revolved around that damn money.
He took a second of pause before he began speaking. "The answer lies in the Mini."
What on earth could be in Gurb's mother's car? Louis was trying to get into my head. "Taxi!"
Once in the taxi, the division was clear. Gurb was upfront, chatting animatedly with the driver. All adventures ever were recounted. Louis and I in the back. One of my best friends since I was thirteen. Funny how things turn out. It was quiet between us. I was in my head, rehearsing how I would bring up the money again. It didn't add up, and he knew it himself. "I don't care, you know," I said, hoping he'd break.
"What don't you care about?"
"About that money."
"What money? You're really a crazy woozy man." Louis burst out laughing again.
On the other hand, it was silent. Gurb had started talking about the driver's family. The driver didn't appreciate it. Gurb meant well. The driver smelled of alcohol. Or was it me? His nails were polished. Maybe his wife was a specialist. I bite my nails myself. Like now.
"In the Mini, oh yeah."
"Shut up. Illegal man."
"You'll never know."
"Stop playing. Just say it!"
Louis grabbed my head, pulled himself towards me, and brought his mouth to my right ear. "Why so serious?" he whispered. He didn't want to tell me.
"But always with this damn money, huh?" I almost shouted at Louis. I broke every silence within a radius of 10 kilometers.
"I'm trying my best, bro. It is what it is. I can't make it any different," he replied. It was clearly bothering him deeply. He ran his hands through his hair. "Sometimes people have to do things. And you know that better than anyone. Sometimes they have to do things they don't really want to or aren't supposed to do."
I knew this spiel all too well. Through all the drunken haziness, I suddenly saw a small glimmer of light. A tiny spark of sincerity. Louis was serious this time.
"I'm sorry. I didn't want to involve you in this. I'm sorry," sweat dripped from his forehead.
"You're serious, huh? Damn, man. What mess have you gotten yourself into now? Worse than Terschelling?" Worse than Terschelling would mean stolen goods. Maybe even violence.
"It's not what you think."
"The Adlon Hotel, right?" the driver chimed in. Always saved by the bell, that Louis.
Suddenly I hit my head against the seat in front of me. Of course, I wasn't wearing my seatbelt. The last thing I saw was Gurb waking up in panic from his drunken stupor. One by one, I started losing my senses. It started with the feeling in my fingers. For a brief moment, everything wasn't quite black, and I could only see a vague pattern of colors repeating inside my eyelids. You could compare it to the brief moment after the commercial break before the movie starts in the cinema. The movie was about to begin.
I knew I wasn't dying. At least not yet. Not like this. Not after an overall mediocre night out in Berlin. I found comfort in the image I forced myself to see. It was all in my head. There I was, unconscious.
I saw myself in a third-person point of view. It wasn't like I was actually leaving my body. More like there was a webcam hanging in one of the upper corners of the taxi.
As a child, I used to dream a lot about death. Nights spent awake.
At some point, I developed a kind of compulsive behavior. I kept swaying my torso from left to right with my hands under my head. It became almost like a workout before bedtime. Every night.
I called it dream shuffling. Just like I had learned to shuffle puzzle pieces or playing cards. Making things a little exciting for yourself. But what I almost never told anyone was that I was scared. I was afraid of burglars, who were very agile and muscular.
Especially afraid that they would murder me. I really wanted to know what death was like. It scared me.
These fear visions originated during an all-inclusive vacation in Turkey. I was 6 years old and already in bed. There was a big old TV in our hotel room, so I could secretly watch TV from bed. Every evening, my parents sat on the balcony. Here they discussed their day while enjoying a glass of alcohol. There was a Japanese animated series on TV. In the few seconds that I watched, I saw a scary creature climbing a sort of apartment complex via the balconies. The creature had hundreds of teeth and blond hair. It quickly entered to decapitate the people, then drained them and, as a final insult, robbed them. Dozens of carcasses of dead people were scattered around the apartment complex. The complex on TV resembled the resort where we were in reality, and the TV world merged with my surroundings. I became part of it. I saw people watching. No matter how loudly I screamed for help, they didn't react. The sun became very bright, and the people turned into nothing more than shadows. As the intensity of the sun increased, something became clear to me. These were not people. They had a sort of orange skin. Where I had previously thought it was their nose and mouth, it turned out that these shadowy figures did not have such physical features. They simply had three holes in their heads. The police tried to do something, but in vain. Since then, we always kept the light on in the hallway outside my bedroom. By rocking back and forth, from left to right, I could glance fleetingly at the beam of light under the door. That bit of light, escaping from the hallway into my room, gave me an advantage. It allowed me to stay one step ahead of the burglars. Pretty smart, right?
"From Jamaica to the world!
It’s just love. Why must the children play in the street?"
It was Bob Sinclar with "Love Generation" speaking to us through the taxi's speakers. We were stationary. I was conscious again, but I didn't feel alive at all. "How long was I out?" I asked Louis.
I could tell by his expression that he was relieved. Relieved that I was back. "One minute," he almost apologized. Louis gave me a pat on the shoulder. Gurb, on the other hand, was sleeping. He slept like a baby cub.
I put my right index finger on my forehead. It felt wet, but it wasn't blood. Blood feels different. Meanwhile, I kept hearing whistling.
"Be the love generation! Oh yeah!" It was still that same song by Bob Sinclar.
The earlier scent of alcohol had now been replaced by the smell of incense. It smelled like the same incense I had in my room. Sold to me as Tibetan 39 incense. I had bought it at a coffee shop in Rotterdam. I pulled up my notes on my phone. "Who lights incense in a CAR????" I let Louis read from my screen. He took the phone from my hands and started typing as well.
"Look at Gurb >>>" Gurb was so deeply asleep that his head drooped. His seatbelt held his torso in place, but his head ended up on the driver's shoulder. The man didn't mind. He didn't move. I made eye contact with the driver through the rearview mirror, and soon I found him. He winked at me.
We arrived at the hotel. Gurb awakened from his alcoholic hibernation. "Who's going to pay for the taxi?" I asked. Clearly rhetorical. I already knew I would take this one for the team, as usual. I refused to use Louis's money. It was uncomfortably quiet. "By card please," I said.
"I'll always protect you, Louis. You really need to know that. I care about you like my own little brother. I'll always try to help you. But you have to be honest with me. Can you do that?" Louis didn't hesitate.
"Yes. Yes, I can. I'll show you. It's really in the Mini." Meanwhile, the taxi driver's card machine indicated that I had insufficient funds. That couldn't be right. Maybe I had withdrawn too much that evening.
"I have cash in the hotel room," Gurb said to me. Gurb informed the driver in broken English that he would go get his cash. The driver agreed. Money is money, whether it comes now or later. As long as it feels good in your hands.
Louis and I got out of the taxi. "You're not going to light a cigarette now, are you?" Louis wanted to smoke. "Especially for stress. That's really for people who can't handle pain. You need to feel pain. Pain needs to brand you for the rest of your life so you finally learn not to do such stupid things." It fell silent again. My blood boiled. All pots were on the stove. I felt like Gordon Ramsay in the kitchen. "Show me then. Do it."
Louis remained silent and walked around the corner of the hotel. Towards the parking lot. I followed him. "You're not going to find much," said Louis.
"Why not? Are you a magician?"
"No. Just. Not much."
"So there's suddenly magically nothing in Gurb's car?"
"Stop. Get out. Get out of my head!" Louis shouted. Louis had had enough. He was done with the parade. Normally we dealt with hypothetical stories. Only this time it wasn't a joke. I was sure now. Louis had dropped his mask. The revolution had begun. The government had fallen and the dikes had broken. The people were in charge. "You shouldn't freak out like this. Always wanting more. Sweet boy, think about yourself."
After Gurb gave the money to the driver, he came to us. He had a smile on his face, lit a cigarette, and exclaimed, "Brothers!" Once with us, he hugged me. He started laughing. "Maybe I haven't been entirely honest either." Sometimes Gurb seemed like a 38-year-old man. In a positive way. He exuded confidence in a way I didn't often see. Affectionate, with a hint of authority.
We stood in the middle of a large parking lot. "Look. We've reached a point where I might not even care anymore. You guys are teasing me." It did matter to me. Maybe more than ever. I was supposed to be two steps ahead of them, but I couldn't figure it out. "I give up."
The delightful silence returned. Louis and Gurb looked at each other. "You guys win. Apparently, I'm not to be trusted as a friend."
From Louis's expression, I could tell he disagreed with this. "Not true. Come to the car."
We arrived at the car. Louis unlocked it and searched for the trunk button. Gurb had started his third cigarette. "It's a corpse, isn't it? Say it now. I can still help you. I can still help us. I can book a ticket for you. We can get you out of here," I said to Louis.
"Just wait. Nutcase."
"Why won't you accept my help?"
Louis started laughing nervously. Or at least it seemed that way. Perhaps a sly laugh too. Had Louis killed someone? "It's not a corpse. That can't be. You wouldn't be stupid enough to use their ID. You're smarter than that. So it must be something stolen. Haven't you found that button yet?"
Suddenly, we heard a click. Louis had found the button. Somewhere, I didn't want to know. Shouldn't I just trust Louis? Wasn't that the whole point of friendship?
Finally, the moment had arrived. I placed my right hand in the slot of the rear hatch. Something in me doubted. Still. I still doubted. Louis looked dead serious. "You wanted to know, didn't you? Then you also have to be man enough to accept it." Louis was clearly not joking. Or was he acting again? "Pussy," Louis said. I looked away. "You're afraid of what's inside, huh? You're afraid of the real Louis." He began to laugh manically. "Open that thing, man. Nutcase!"
I started laughing too. Why did I make such a big deal out of it? Sweat broke out from every pore in my body. It was even a bit damp in the no man's land between my scrotum and my anus. A tropical climate. It had been quite an adventure the whole evening. I took my hand off the rear hatch and first gave Louis a hug. Not some half-hearted birthday wish. No, a real hug.
"It's okay, buddy," Louis said to me. I had no idea what he meant by that. It fit the moment though.
It was really time now. I opened the rear hatch.
"Where is it?"
"In front of you," said Louis.
"In some secret compartment?"
There was nothing in the trunk. Absolutely nothing. An empty trunk. For an empty evening, in an empty Berlin, with an empty group of guys. I didn't get it.
"You won, man," I whispered. "You finally fucking done did it."
I couldn't believe my eyes. Empty? There was still nothing in the car. Louis just stood there. Emotionally, I was a wreck. I had felt every emotion this evening. Seen every color and smelled every scent. I was done. My body was ready. No longer needed. My mission was complete.
"But why did you do this?" I asked Louis, laughing.
He scratched his chin. It felt like the end of a bad movie.
"I sold our Playstation. Wanted to tell you only after I had sorted everything out again. I terminated my lease. Had some debts, and I also wanted to have some money for once. Once not empty-handed in the club. Once not dependent on my best friends. This is not who I am... I know how much that Playstation meant to you. It was ours together. I should have just told you."
"… and how does Gurb actually make his money?"

Hi, I finally got all of my grades back so I now know the GPA I will be applying with for next year. My first year went really badly and I've been anxious about applying to med for all of university. I also feel like my ECs aren't that great but I know it matters more how you write them. I'm going into fourth year in September.
GPA: 3.88 (3.67/3.99/3.97)
MCAT: 513 (128/128/130/127)
CASPER: Have never taken before but hoping for 4th, my typing speed is about 110wpm
IP Ontario (RIP)
ECs: Orientation leader (3yrs), executive member of a homelessness advocacy group, moving up to a vice president position where I can work with local government (3 yrs), volunteered in a lab and currently working there as a summer student, no pubs or awards (1 yr), tutoring (children and other students, a few different initiatives/clubs) (2 yrs), food bank volunteering (2 yrs). I'm planning on doing some more volunteering this summer alongside my job.
I have some artistic and athletic hobbies but nothing official. Also no awards. I want to apply this year just to try it but feel like after 4th year my ECs/achievements will be more significant. I'm hoping to get a job at school, do more volunteering, and join a rec sports team (mostly for mental health and exercise but could add some dimension to my application as well).
What can I improve over the summer to improve my application? Thank you for reading this and thank you in advance 🙏🏼

Shipping: Minimum order must be $12 to ship (Although, we can negotiate if it's lower)
Free shipping to the USA
Buy 1, get the second 25% off
Buy 2, get the third 50% off
Buy 3, get the fourth 75% off
Condition: vinyl / sleeve, link to the pressing is below
Below is my collection; there are only a few not listed I may consider selling.
Collection: https://www.discogs.com/usedevito.mark/collection?sort=added&sort_order=desc
The Allman Brothers Band – Eat A Peach VG+/VG+ $32
https://www.discogs.com/release/1284784-The-Allman-Brothers-Band-Eat-A-Peach
America ‎– America NM/NM $20
https://www.discogs.com/release/18526771-America-America?ev=item-vc
The Association – Greatest Hits! VG+/VG+ $8
https://www.discogs.com/release/12053469-The-Association-Greatest-Hits
Aum – Resurrection VG/VG+ $15
https://www.discogs.com/release/616709-Aum-Resurrection
Badfinger - Magic Christian Music VG+/VG+ $14
https://www.discogs.com/release/10390165-Badfinger-Magic-Christian-Music
Badfinger - No Dice VG+/VG+ $20
https://www.discogs.com/release/9969975-Badfinger-No-Dice
Syd Barrett – The Solo Works Of Syd Barrett NM/NM (The 45 single has a seam split) $88
https://www.discogs.com/release/28522522-Syd-Barrett-The-Solo-Works-Of-Syd-Barrett-?ev=item-vc
The Beach Boys – Smiley Smile NM/NM $75
https://www.discogs.com/release/9073465-The-Beach-Boys-Smiley-Smile
Black Sabbath – Reunion NM/NM $45
https://www.discogs.com/release/28571212-Black-Sabbath-Reunion
Blind Melon - Blind Melon NM/NM $70
https://www.discogs.com/release/4493495-Blind-Melon-Blind-Melon
Blood, Sweat & Tears – Self titled VG/VG $3
https://www.discogs.com/release/3367691-Blood-Sweat-And-Tears-Blood-Sweat-And-Tears
Blur - The Ballad of Darren (Blue vinyl) NM/NM $18
https://www.discogs.com/release/27750243-Blur-The-Ballad-Of-Darren
Bread - Baby I'm-A Want You VG/VG $3
https://www.discogs.com/release/1578998-Bread-Baby-Im-A-Want-You
The Buckinghams – Greatest Hits VG+/VG+ $5
https://www.discogs.com/release/876803-The-Buckinghams-Greatest-Hits
Eric Burdon & War – The Complete Vinyl Collection NM/NM $70
https://www.discogs.com/release/25280323-Eric-Burdon-War-The-Complete-Vinyl-Collection
The Charlatans ‎– Different Days NM/NM $12
https://www.discogs.com/sell/item/2754539884
The Church – FurtheDeeper NM/EX $78
https://www.discogs.com/release/7238861-The-Church-FurtherDeeper
David Crosby – For Free NM/NM $10
https://www.discogs.com/release/22223533-David-Crosby-For-Free
Crosby, Stills & Nash – Crosby, Stills & Nash NM/EX $70
https://www.discogs.com/release/25455337-Crosby-Stills-Nash-Crosby-Stills-Nash
The Cure – Boys Don't Cry VG+/VG+ $90
https://www.discogs.com/release/2468885-The-Cure-Boys-Dont-Cry
Derek And The Dominos – Layla And Other Assorted VG+/VG+ $35
https://www.discogs.com/release/1306997-Derek-And-The-Dominos-Layla-And-Other-Assorted-Love-Songs
DMA's -For Now NM/NM $15
https://www.discogs.com/release/11924334-DMAs-For-Now
DMA's - I Love You Unconditionally NM/NM $25
https://www.discogs.com/release/20371672-DMAs-I-Love-You-Unconditionally-Sure-Am-Going-To-Miss-You
The Doobie Brothers – The Captain And Me. VG+/VG+. $15
https://www.discogs.com/release/18560596-The-Doobie-Brothers-The-Captain-And-Me
Doves - Universal Want NM/EX $55
https://www.discogs.com/release/15922232-Doves-The-Universal-Want
EL & P - Pictures At An Exhibition VG+/VG+ $5
https://www.discogs.com/release/4445497-Emerson-Lake-Palmer-Pictures-At-An-Exhibition
EL & P - Tarkus VG+/vG+ $6
https://www.discogs.com/release/7694228-Emerson-Lake-Palmer-Tarkus
Ben Folds – What Matters Most Singed MN/NM $35
https://www.discogs.com/release/26455823-Ben-Folds-What-Matters-Most?ev=item-vc
Forest ‎– Forest VG/VG $40
https://www.discogs.com/release/2430801-Forest-Forest?ev=item-vc
Graffiti – Graffiti NM/NM $18
https://www.discogs.com/release/24742814-Graffiti-Graffiti
Grateful Dead – American Beauty NM/NM (opened, cleaned and not played) $48
https://www.discogs.com/release/30128726-Grateful-Dead-American-Beauty
Gypsybyrd - Eye Of The Sun NM/NM $20
https://www.discogs.com/release/17592256-Gypsybyrd-Eye-Of-The-Sun
Gypsybyrd - Visions NM/NM $20
https://www.discogs.com/release/23992589-Gypsybyrd-Visions
Knifeplay – Pearlty NM/NM Opened and cleaned, never played $30
https://www.discogs.com/release/30180425-Knifeplay-Pearlty
The Kinks - Pop Stars In Disguise NM/NM $20
https://www.discogs.com/release/18319984-The-Kinks-Pop-Stars-In-Disguise
Lionel Limiñana & David Menke – The Ballad Of Linda L/The Devil Inside Me NM/VG+ $20
https://www.discogs.com/release/23488313-Lionel-Limi%C3%B1ana-David-Menke-The-Ballad-Of-Linda-L-The-Devil-Inside-Me
Paul McCartney & Wings ‎– Band On The Run EX/VG+ $30
https://www.discogs.com/release/4540878-Paul-McCartney-Wings-Band-On-The-Run
Moody Blues – Seventh Sojourn VG/VG $2
https://www.discogs.com/release/3345278-The-Moody-Blues-Seventh-Sojourn
Peter, Paul And Mary – Album 1700 NM/NM $60
https://www.discogs.com/release/24283970-Peter-Paul-And-Mary-Album-1700
Pink Floyd – Wish You Were Here (CD) VG++/VG+ $70
https://www.discogs.com/release/729977-Pink-Floyd-Wish-You-Were-Here
Planet – Information Overload NM/NM $25
https://www.discogs.com/release/22564604-Planet-Information-Overload
Porcupine Tree - The Sky Moves Sideways VG+/VG+ $60
https://www.discogs.com/release/10265119-Porcupine-Tree-The-Sky-Moves-Sideways
Porcupine Tree - Up The Downstair NM/NM $28
https://www.discogs.com/release/17822389-Porcupine-Tree-Up-the-Downstair
The Pretty Things - Box Set. NM/NM $290
https://www.discogs.com/release/26612645-The-Pretty-Things-The-Complete-Studio-Albums-1965-2020
Reverend & The Makers – Heatwave In The Cold North NM/NM $45
https://www.discogs.com/release/26918963-Reverend-And-The-Makers-Heatwave-In-The-Cold-North
Todd Rundgren - A Wizard, A True Star VG+/VG+ $10
https://www.discogs.com/release/380444-Todd-Rundgren-A-Wizard-A-True-Star
Todd Rundgren – Something / Anything? VG+/VG $28
https://www.discogs.com/release/19771591-Todd-Rundgren-Something-Anything
The Sherlocks – People Like Me & You (signed) NM/NM $55
https://www.discogs.com/release/27887013-The-Sherlocks-People-Like-Me-You
The Smile – A Light For Attracting Attention EX/NM $28 (Plays closer to NM, but grading EX)
https://www.discogs.com/release/23529293-The-Smile-A-Light-For-Attracting-Attention
Bruce Springsteen - Lucky Town NM/NM $18
https://www.discogs.com/release/12706383-Bruce-Springsteen-Lucky-Town
Bruce Springsteen - Tunnel Of Love NM/VG+ $20
https://www.discogs.com/release/12706339-Bruce-Springsteen-Tunnel-Of-Love
Steppenwolf - At Your Bday Party VG+/VG+ $6
https://www.discogs.com/release/2697826-Steppenwolf-At-Your-Birthday-Party
Steppenwolf - Early Steppen VG+/VG+ $6
https://www.discogs.com/release/4036665-Steppenwolf-Early-Steppenwolf
Steppenwolf - For Ladies VG+/VG+ $7
https://www.discogs.com/release/3090813-Steppenwolf-For-Ladies-Only
Steppenwolf - Hour Of The Wolf VG+/VG+ $8
https://www.discogs.com/release/2714940-Steppenwolf-Hour-Of-The-Wolf
Steppenwolf - Monster VG+/VG+ $7
https://www.discogs.com/release/10086841-Steppenwolf-Monster
Steppenwolf - Steppenwolf 7 VG+/VG+ $7
https://www.discogs.com/release/471410-Steppenwolf-Steppenwolf-7
Steve Miller - Number 5 VG+/VG $5
https://www.discogs.com/release/12304563-Steve-Miller-Band-Number-5
Steve Miller Band – Children Of The Future VG+/VG+ $10
https://www.discogs.com/release/20115676-Steve-Miller-Band-Children-Of-The-Future
Suede - Autofiction NM/NM $20
https://www.discogs.com/release/25197715-The-London-Suede-Autofiction
Tears For Fears – The Hurting VG+/VG+ $40
https://www.discogs.com/release/23301-Tears-For-Fears-The-Hurting
Traffic – Studio Albums 67-74 NM/VG+ $115 (The covers have the glue issue the set has, they just need to be re-gluded)
https://www.discogs.com/release/13636262-Traffic-The-Studio-Albums-1967-1974
U2 – Songs Of Innocence NM/NM $25
https://www.discogs.com/release/6173051-U2-Songs-Of-Innocence?ev=item-vc
U2 ‎– No Line On The Horizon VG+/VG+ $30
https://www.discogs.com/release/1680455-U2-No-Line-On-The-Horizon?ev=item-vc
U2 ‎– Songs Of Experience NM/NM $14
https://www.discogs.com/release/11212071-U2-Songs-Of-Experience?ev=item-vc
Paul Weller – 22 Dreams NM/NM $38
https://www.discogs.com/release/23970635-Paul-Weller-22-Dreams
Paul Weller - Wild Wood VG+/VG+ $90
https://www.discogs.com/release/1593971-Paul-Weller-Wild-Wood
Paul Weller - Will of The People NM/NM $55
https://www.discogs.com/release/24981313-Paul-Weller-Will-Of-The-People
Paul Weller – Illumination NM/NM $24
https://www.discogs.com/release/21028159-Paul-Weller-Illumination
Paul Weller – A Kind Revolution NM/NM $18
https://www.discogs.com/release/10277601-Paul-Weller-A-Kind-Revolution
Paul Weller – Fat Pop (Volume 1) NM/NM $18
https://www.discogs.com/release/18705007-Paul-Weller-Fat-Pop-Volume-1
Paul Weller – Saturns Pattern NM/NM $18
https://www.discogs.com/release/7027415-Paul-Weller-Saturns-Pattern
Paul Weller – Sonik Kicks NM/NM $65
https://www.discogs.com/release/3508451-Paul-Weller-Sonik-Kicks
Paul Weller – Stanley Road NM/NM $40
https://www.discogs.com/release/9748215-Paul-Weller-Stanley-Road
Paul Weller – True Meanings NM/NM $28
https://www.discogs.com/release/12509150-Paul-Weller-True-Meanings
Paul Weller – Wake Up The Nation VG+/VG+ $85
https://www.discogs.com/release/2257717-Paul-Weller-Wake-Up-The-Nation
The Wild Thymes – Reflections NM/NM $28
https://www.discogs.com/release/22681934-The-Wild-Thymes-Reflections
Steven Wilson – Hand. Cannot. Erase. EX/NM $47
https://www.discogs.com/release/6678914-Steven-Wilson-Hand-Cannot-Erase
Steven Wilson – To The Bone EX/NM $50
https://www.discogs.com/release/10715967-Steven-Wilson-To-The-Bone
Neil Young With The Santa Monica Flyers – Somewhere Under The Rainbow (Nov. 5. 1973) EX/NM $20
https://www.discogs.com/release/26762672-Neil-Young-With-The-Santa-Monica-Flyers-Somewhere-Under-The-Rainbow-Nov-5-1973
Neil Young + Crazy Horse – Fu##in' Up Sealed copy $30
https://www.discogs.com/release/30457400-Neil-Young-Crazy-Horse-Fuin-Up

Hello Everyone. I grew up in a Maranao House hold in Iligan City for 17 yrs and it is really toxic as hell.
My family are full of Imams, Alims, Hafiz/Hafiza and even did Umrah/Hajj in Saudi Arabia.
When I was in first grade (2010), I began to question my beliefs. Because of the bullying I received from my Maranao classmates due to my forehead, I became insecure and started wearing a Hijab/Headscarf/Veil
My family has always considered me to be a very religious girl because I began wearing an Islamic head scarf at a very young age. They had no idea that I had lived in two distinct worlds my entire life.
In Iligan City, we studied this Islamic subject in class. Every afternoon, they make us Muslims go to Islam Subject. Ustadhs, urge our parents to let our genuine advisors know that we must pay attention to this Islamic subject. My parents were unaware that I consistently skipped Islamic subjects since they would always punish us for not knowing Arabic. Imagine being punished as a 7-year-old child simply for not being able to pronounce or comprehend Arabic. I always skip Islamic subject but i also have tried to attend because they have threatened us "if you don't go to Islamic class, you will go to hell". we were forced to study and memorize 40 surah/verses in such a young age
Additionally, we were taught to despise or Hate Christians and non-Muslims since they are perceived as "lost" individuals. At a certain point, I was also convinced that Christians were evil. My parents and every Muslim people I've ever met hate Christians in general, but when I was in the fourth grade, I made the decision to start doing some research.
I learned that there are too many Beliefs in christianity such as (Orthodox, Roman Catholic, Born Again, Protestant, Baptism, Adventist, INC, etc) Each day, i studied their differences of beliefs and how they practice it.
I became agnostic at the age of 10, secretly left Islam due to excessive curiosity in other religions, cultures, and languages. However, I continued to wear the hijab and pretended to be a Muslim in front of my family. They have repeatedly threatened to chop off my head and turn my hair into a snake on the Day of Judgment if I don't wear a hijab.
Apparently, i also secretly removes it in front of my Friends. They have questioned me too in too many times "are you muslim?" and i just respond to them "No, i'm not full muslim". I have lied to my friends about my personal life because it is too toxic.
Some of my family members has ran away to marry non-muslims, and my family hates them so much and even calls them "People of Hell"
I am kind of Disgusted for how my Muslim Maranao family thinks? They're very hella Close minded.
The Culture of Meranao Tribe has never beautify me, but it did Traumatized me.
My Mother Has Confessed that I had this Fiance despite of me being 1yr old. I was Sold In such a young age. My Parents has told me to keep my virginity because Virginity is a gold In Islam, if i'm not virgin, No one would Buy me.
They have Forced me to study just to get into a Higher Ranks In our family and get to marry a Rich Relatives. They have never supported me with my passion, they always scolds me and punishes me when i try to defend for my own happiness and sake.
My Life became so depressing when The Marawi Siege Happened (2017) A lot of Meranao From Marawi City has Evacuated in Iligan City.
Ever since they moved out in Iligan City, Meranao People were always threatening us, made a gang group and started bullying me. I actually don't wanna talk about it because it scares me and depresses me how badly it affected me. i was 14 that time when i got cyberbullied and Issued in our school as a Liberated/Agnostic person. Meranao Muslim who evacuated in our school has spread too much false information about me such as me having n*des. I cried so much, i was literally an innocent girl that time, i had no idea why they were doing those to me. Maybe Just bcs i don't wear hijab and they considered me as prostitute one? lmfao.
My Xenophobia and Islamophobic has became worser as time and time goes by. I hate islam and Maranao Tribe so much.
Bullying and False Accusations from Meranao has continuously goes as i grow too.
2022, I decided to convert into Born Again Christianity because it lightened my heart. Jesus has saved me.
I proudly told everyone that i am Born Again christian but These Meranao Muslim people keeps talking shit about me. I have received too many Death Threats from my Father side, My old friends and Muslim People who hates me.
They're gonna Kill me and take away everything from me. I'm honestly Prepared because it shows how violent they are after Victimizing themselves as "not terrorist" for how centuries.
Additionally, Muslims started Over sexualizing me and even harassed me too many times because i'm not muslim/im not wearing hijab/veil. It makes me laugh how they always tell me to wear hijab so that i would avoid getting sexually harassed by non-muslim when them itself (Muslim) are the one who Harasses me.
The fact i also did tried wearing abaya and hijab properly but somehow i still got sexually harassed.
I am seeking for help, i am in danger. My own father is gonna kill me and forces me to go into a islamic School to study quran. it honestly so draining because i already studied islam on my own for how many years aside from Other religions too. They're like forcing me to be someone i dont wanna be.
My Family from father side has committed too many bombing crimes and Bomb threat in Iligan City. They usually targets Christians celebrating Christmas, Fiesta, or any occasions that relates in Christianity. Some muslims has also supported the Marawi Christian Sunday Mass Bombing because Christian aren't allowed in Marawi City because it is a Islamic State Region.
Islam is not Peace.

Dragon Ball Rework Ideas
To preface: This is mainly a bunch of mental notes and what I recall from conversations I've had with people concerning an AU project I may work on... I consider myself a fan of DB, but over the years I have drifted away from the modern stuff. I may catch the newest movie but that's about it. Despite this, I just let loose on the topic of a rework, sending walls of text to people randomly when I get an idea. To supplement myself I have started to read DB from the beginning, refreshing myself on details and whatnot, and keeping track of stuff like characters, locations, items, techniques, etc just for personal reference. With that out of the way I should probably get to the actual ideas...
I'll start off with ki and related systems: Taking inspiration from stuff like chakra points and mind field theories. Basically, all living things have ki points throughout their body; lying on/within vital organs and the primary joints. Connected via ki channels, and assisted in regulation by the "Threads of Preservation", which are mapped onto the lymph system. The ki points spread throughout the body generate an aura that can indicate one's physical health, but can also be utilized to enhance one's presence and the impact of melee attacks. Situated on the brain, is a ki point that generates the mind aura that can indicate mental health/state and is the center of psychic abilities; being more "malleable" than the bodily aura, it can be cast out like fishing rod or net to grab things and link one's mind to another. When these auras are used in tandem, one is able to fly. It can be pictured as the bodily aura being used to suspend yourself, manipulating the air around you, while the mind aura pulls/pushes you away from things. To use ki directly, your own life energy, it is imperative to have a moderate ability to visualize things; as using ki relies on moving it through your system. In the case of a beam attack, it is energy from ki points, through the interconnecting channels, to the ends of your extremities and out at a frequency/intensity that is destructive. Healing is done by a similar process but at a much more game output, with the intent of transferring it to another person's system. Stuff like ki balls and discs are released from the body, and then guided by the mental aura; unless released and just let fly on its own. To strengthen one's abilities with ki, mental exercises can help, plus general physical training to build mind-muscle connections/control and flexibility. Strenuous physical activity also widens the channels between ki points, allowing for easier flow. Ki points can be expanded, but some people are unfortunately born with smaller ki points, limiting their potential storage and output. These people often fall back on different methods of combat, or if they retain a sizable brain ki point, focus on psychic abilities and training. The art of shapeshifting, demonstrated by characters like Oolong and Puar, is a rare affinity. Wherein a person can manipulate the structure of their ki system, altering their appearance as their body conforms to the new configuration. This process is not permanent, lest the shapeshifter has great force of will, since the structure of one's ki system will always want to return to its natural/stable state. As forcing the channels to lengthen or shorten, does not come without strain.
I think that's all I really have regarding ki, so I'm gonna move on to some world details...
World: I'm not quite a fan of planet busters and universe shakers, at a certain point it gets boring and tedious. To majorly pull back the scale, the world I envision is a singular vast plane of ocean, with great continents and islands scattered about them (the whole world shaking would only really occur if multiple Supreme Kais and Gods of Destruction were fighting at once). Split into quadrants, monitored by the kais who help council "Kami", the medium between Heaven and the Earthly realm, as well as the appointed authority of said realm. Probably selected/voted on by the kais, who judge for a mortal's moral character, wisdom, and connection to the realm; the operating Kami can take on disciples who will be strongly considered as a candidate for the next Kami. Below Kami then are the angels, heaven-born beings who are born when positive energy rises up from the Earthly realm and clumps together. Solidifying into humanoid forms that have an innate sense of justice, and will unflinchingly carry out actions in the name of that justice. Perfect to be linked to Gods of Destructions, who are mortals, the strongest of their respective regions, that are appointed to keep the "destructive balance" in check; possessing an aura that can influence the occurrence of natural disasters and the like. As well tasked with cutting down threats to their region as a whole. The one who is in charge of coordinating and pairing Gods of Destructions with Angels is the Grand Minister. Making sure each of them have personalities that go well together. The Angels and Gods of Destruction are not weak by any measure, but simply appointed to a role with different qualifications, that put them below other beings in this universal hierarchy. With that said, Gods of Destructions take on disciples too, which will be candidates for their master's positions. Ultimately relying on the choice of Kami and the decision of the Kais. Above Kami, is another medium of Heaven and Earth, King Yemma who is of the Oni. A race created by the Kais and Supreme Kais to keep souls in check and operate the systems of heaven. King Yemma himself is both the strongest of the Oni, as well as the most wise, assuring him the role of "Judge of Souls" and "the guardian of the gate". Above Yemma are the Kais, led by Grand Kai who is the mediator between the lesser and Supreme Kais, the tiebreaker for decisions involving Earth, and the host of heavenly events/contests. Above him are the Supreme Kais who rule over the quadrants of Heaven, and answer to the absolute authority of this world— Grand Supreme Kai... I'm not personally a fan of Zeno, so I opted to omit him. I can see his appeal but he just doesn't feel right to me as the top of the ladder.
Bringing things down— way way down, below the Earthly Realm is the realm of Demons. Formerly a dark abyss before the demon Kais, born from the rotten fruit of the Kaiju trees that birth the core people, the first people that devised the Earth and the Heavens, were cast down there; because of their malicious tendencies. With their vast power they gave the abyss form and like their counterparts, created life, utilizing the negative energy which sinks down into their realm. They wait until their demonic legions are great enough to wage war on Earth and Heaven. Until then, they counsel the "Emperor" of the realm, the strongest of all demons who has a majority of the clans under his dominion. All beings except angels can convert into demons, via a ritual of renouncing the good within them to take on a more monstrous form. This action has great effects even on one's progeny (like the majority of Demon King/Chief Piccolo's offspring)...
I think that's all the major stuff regarding the world and its Hierarchy. Guess I'll clarify some things here, such as I previously mentioned the Earthly Realm is a singular plane. Meaning such things as Planet Namek and Planet Vegeta, are now islands/archipelagos far out from their mainlands (but still greatly far from other major land masses). To the point that their existence has become legend, such as talk of the mighty warrior race that bear resemblance to humans but with the tails of monkeys~ that sort of thing.
Other tangents: Speaking of the Saiyans, I want them of course to be strong though, but more in the sense that they recover quickly and have heightened instincts in regards to battle, learning new techniques relatively quickly. I actually want them to be somewhat stunted in the art of ki, primarily relying on their raw strength. As well as following very harsh and strict practices of training and diet. To the point, in this universe, if you put an alternate Goku and Vegeta next to each other, due to Goku's more relaxed and carefree approach he'd appear more filled out though still with a solid physique of course. Vegeta on the other hand would be cut/shredded to an extreme point, but as the story would go... As Vegeta gets accustomed to life on the mainland and starts to question his culture, initially sickened by Goku's indulgence, eventually gains an appreciation for the food provided by Bulma. Allowing Vegeta to fill out his frame a bit more and gain an appreciation for mainland cuisine.
To touch on Oozaru and Super Saiyan, the transformations associated with the Saiyans— I'd like them to have different utilizations. Oozaru being a symbol of the old culture, raw power and killer instinct being greatly valued. While Super Saiyan would be the symbol of a new way, one with a better balance between the body and mind. The Oozaru outclasses Super Saiyan in pure strength, but being less mobile (making it very difficult to fly and move without destroying things), limiting ki usage, and affecting the mind of the Saiyan. While the Super Saiyan promotes developing one's mind alongside their body. Its origin lies in ancient Saiyan mystic practices, relating to the harnessing of one's power. One group created the fake moon technique that would allow them to turn Oozaru at any time and help them train to control it. While the other, less prominent group were able to achieve the state of Super Saiyan. Due to the extensive work that would be required to inspire ki use among the Saiyans, it never caught on, remaining as a legend for years to come. The moon technique winning out while Super Saiyan faded, kept alive in some circles because of the mystique but unaware of what one would need to acquire that kind of form. Which leads into the irony of doing the exact opposite of what the traditional Saiyans do. Focusing just on their bodies and fighting, instead of the simple pleasures of life and growing one's connection to the world. Encapsulated in Goku, a Saiyan raised by a human and trained by others to seek strength but also enjoy the life he is living. A side note related to that - I'm picturing a semi-funny sequence where Vegeta is trying to ask around, talking with Goku's friends and family about what his life was like. Trying to figure out the key to Super Saiyan but just getting more frustrated. On the form itself, I've devised a branching scheme to it. With the base super Saiyan being a balanced refinement of the body. While the graded forms would be strength specialization with the working names “Buffed" and "Maxed". Super Saiyan 2 being the speed specialization, with the working named Charged. Super Saiyan 3 being the ki specialization, with the working name "Flow" (get it, because ki flow and his flowing hair). All of them would have different uses instead of being a linear progression of power, and with all their own drawbacks. The obvious being the graded forms losing mobility, but making them very dangerous once they get their hands on you. Vegeta would be drawn to these forms, falling back on his own Saiyan sensibilities; Trunks supporting his dad as he would be open to the possibility, unaware of the limits of Super Saiyan. While Goku and Gohan would be focused on speed specialization. I think it would be cool if these specializations could work together instead of one outright outclassing the other. For example one person could lead Cell with speed into an ambush, where he can be overpowered physically. Moving into Flow, going with the fact it's easier to use when dead, that's because the dead don't have a physical body to keep running with ki. In the afterlife, that is all you are, a battery of ki, but with a body, some ki is required to maintain the body and its functions. The form majorly improves output, opening one's channels to their limit, but if one is not careful they can easily expend too much ki... The sorta odd one out in this case is Super Saiyan 4, which relies on the Oozaru form of course. Diverting the transformation so that they remain in a more compact form. However, this form kinda acts like a cross between strength and speed specialization, with the drawback that it messes with the mind. Making it easy for a Saiyan to forget exactly what they are doing, lashing out any chance they get (even at allies), and forgetting about mercy. Goku and Vegeta see potential in this form, but are wary. Best case scenario they are facing an opponent one on one, away from a crowd, that they have no qualms with killing.
To touch on Super Saiyan God, I have to touch on Beerus, who instead of coming to Earth somewhat randomly from what I recall. He is instead visiting the Saiyans and other Z Fighters, with the intention of recruiting disciples. Pretending to go rogue, in order to make it feel like they are in a dire situation and will fight with all they have. After evaluating all their strengths, he relents and invites those he deems have great potential/likelihood of succeeding him to his temple to perform a ritual of transferring divine ki... As I'm not a fan of the original Super Saiyan God ritual and its legend. Just feels weird to have two coinciding legends, but one has more obvious relevance. So instead, Beerus would remark that he has heard of Saiyans being candidates in the past but is curious what these "new age Saiyans" are capable of. Training them to achieve their godly state (red), that can act as an alternate to their base form, which they would eventually be able to incorporate with Super Saiyan. Thus becoming Super Saiyan Gods (blue) in that sense.
The recruitment narrative would also reframe the tournament between Beerus and Champa, as teachers testing their disciples against one another.
I'm not quite sure what I'm gonna do with Ultra Instinct & Ego + Beast yet, and I'm not caught up on Super as I indicated at the beginning. But I do have some closing additions...
On time Travel, there are a couple instances such as in the early series, later in the Android + Cell Saga, and that one weird Bardock special. But to tie them together I have devised the presence of general time distorting items. Which in the case of the early series and Bardock, those would be handled with the items as they naturally occur. You touch them and they bring you to a certain time, usually related to the location it is found (though in the case of Bardock, it wouldn't be him sent back, and the village would be destroyed regardless the item would just give someone the chance to make a timeline in which it was saved), but your actions would just create a new timeline. While you would be returned to your own as if nothing happened, even if you "die" while in contact with the item, it's more akin to a simulation where you would wake up afterward near the item. Bulma however would acquire one of these items and make it the core of the time machine used by Trunks, directing its effect to specific times.
On Frieza and his golden form, I imagined if he attained it while in the afterlife instead of after his revival. The reason he runs into the stamina issue is because he only used it without a physical body, similar to how there is less of an issue of ki in the afterlife, there is no stamina/ki going toward the maintenance of your body. I'm also sort of scratching out his black form because I find it boring— replacing it with the idea that his golden form is a cocoon for a subsequent form. Which he would realize is a way to conduct the demon conversion ritual. Going through with it, he would emerge in a new demonic form. Not fully confident in that idea but it's there. But I am a bit more confident in restructuring Frieza's forms, making his impish form his original form. To remove the redundancy of making so many forms to restrict himself and just have his race be naturally very adaptive. His second form would then be strength focused, his third would be speed, his fourth would be balanced, while his full power form would act in a similar way to the grade 2.
Broly, he's a Saiyan mutant. Which causes him behavioral issues and enhanced power progression. Paragus would put the device on him to make him more passive and restrict him. The device developed by Paragus and a technologically advanced race (Cheelai's in my verse, which would lead to her and Broly meeting), would help Paragus establish his own regime, attracting wayward Saiyans to conquer in his name now that Island Vegeta was destroyed and the prince is nowhere to be found. His super Saiyan form, due to his mutation, is triggered by desperation (to not displease his father) and anger instead of a greater aspiration/need. The years of being controlled by his father, essentially splitting his personality. All of his passive traits remained in his base form, while all the violent and sadistic tendencies welled up in his super Saiyan form.
Fusion, I don't think that needs to be altered much. Off the top of my head it would probably require two people matching their auras instead of power levels for the dance; synchronizing them long enough so their bodies and minds can merge temporarily.
Feel free to ask questions, I didn't cover absolutely everything ofc, so any questions, thoughts, and questions would be appreciated.

It was just supposed to be another camping trip, like so many others we had gone on.
The town we live in isn't huge, but it does have a lot of woodland to explore. We live on the edge of what most people would call Appalachia and we’ve had more than one weird experience out there. Once, as my friends and I walked down the familiar trails, we smelled a strong and unpleasant scent. Brian thought it must have been a bear, but I’d smelled bear smells before. We’d had one winter under our back porch one year, and this was very different from the musty smell he had left when spring came.
Another time, while we were camping, we saw ghost lights in the woods. They were beautiful, red and blue and yellow and orange, and though Justin was afraid of them, I felt drawn to go to them and see them better. I knew better, though. Grandma had told all of us about the dangers of following the ghost lights and had assured us all that we wouldn’t like where they would take us.
“The lands of Fairy is beautiful, but also terrible for mortals to behold. They would make you young for the rest of your days, though that might not be as long as you might think.” She always said with an evil grin.
We’d heard whistling and strange growls, throaty yells, and strange birds, but none of it ever really scared me. The woods had always been a friendly place, a place of adventure, and I always looked forward to my time there. I never felt uneasy when I was within its borders, and as the four of us prepared to go back into the woods for another camping expedition, I was excited.
Brain’s brother had told him about an old trestle bridge deep in the woods and we all wanted to see it.
It was part of the old railroad, something that hadn’t run through the town in a long time. The tracks were still there, the old station too, but the trains had been mostly for passengers, and we had none these days. No one came in, no one left, and we had no industry for the trains to transport. All the wood we harvested went to the sawmill or the paper mill, and there was no need to transport it by rail. The trestle bridge hadn’t seen a train cross it in twenty years and spanned a small gorge in the middle of the forest. Brian said his brother claimed the bridge was where high school kids went to drink beer, and now that we were Freshmen, we should go out there too.
“He said it was a right of passage and that we should go see if the right had decided to leave us a gift out there.”
We didn’t know what sort of gift that would be, but we were all curious to see the bridge.
So, we told our parents we would be camping one weekend in April and took to the woods.
Brian and I were eager, talking about how cool it would be to see it, but Justin and Frank seemed hesitant. Well, that wasn’t quite true. Justin was hesitant, as he almost always was, and Frank was kind of ambivalent. We had met him last year at the start of ninth grade and he had made a pretty good addition to our trio. Frank wasn’t an avid hiker, but he liked to hang out in the woods and get a little high from time to time and that was good enough for us. He also brought outstanding camping snacks, so we were more than happy to hit the trails with him. I wasn’t certain there was a sleeping bag in that rucksack of his, but I could already hear the crinkle of chips and snack cakes within it.
“Any idea how far off this bridge is?” Justin asked, plodding along grumpily.
Justin didn’t mind hiking, but he wasn’t big on aimlessly wandering around in the woods. He had packed enough to make up for Frank’s lack of gear, and the tent poked up over his left shoulder. He was plodding along at the back of the group and I was sure we’d have to listen to a fair amount of complaining before we got there.
“My brother says it's about three miles into the woods, following the river until we come to the gorge. After that, it should be pretty easy to find.”
“And if your brother is playing a trick on us? If he’s just messing with us and we walk three hours into the woods for nothing?”
Brian rolled his eyes, “Then we have a fun little adventure to talk about when we go to college, don’t we?”
Justin grumbled about having to walk three miles into the woods, but we couldn’t have picked a better day for it. The weather was perfect, a slight breeze keeping the early summer heat at bay. The clouds overhead looked a little wet, but they were nowhere close. We’d have a nice camping trip this weekend, a nice little excuse to fish and relax and enjoy ourselves as we explored the old trestle. The woods around the town were full of things like that, and we’d explored old houses that had been retaken by the underbrush or abandoned vehicles that sagged amongst the leaves. When we were in seventh grade, we even found an old concrete culvert out there that led into an underground cave that looked a little spooky in the light of our flashlights.
The farther we walked, however, the less certain I was that the clouds wouldn’t be a problem. The deeper into the woods we went, the more the smell of rain surrounded us. Brian smelled it too, and our pace increased as we kept heading deeper into the forest. Maybe it was just a little rain, maybe it was just a short downpour, and maybe we could get past it before it soaked everything.
When the gorge came into view and I saw the rising, skeletal edifice of the trestle, I breathed a sigh of relief.
“There she is, boys,” Brian said, sounding surprised to have found it as well.
“Looks pretty wrecked,” Frank said, tossing the stub of a cigarette into the gorge, “We aren’t actually going up on that thing, are we?”
“Wel, ya,” Brian said, “That's kind of the whole reason we came, wasn’t it?”
“You might,” Frank said, “but I don’t care what kind of surprise is up there, I ain’t going.”
He had plenty of time to rethink his statement. Just because we had found the gully, didn’t mean we had made it to the trestle. The closer we got, the more I could see that, for its age, it really was in amazing shape. It was less skeletal than I had thought and looked more like a covered metal bridge. The underside of the trestle was a dark cave, the shadows thick and deep, and I really didn’t want to explore the underside unless we REALLY had to. Something about it made me uncomfortable, and as we got closer and closer to the base, the whole thing seemed to grow.
It was mid-afternoon when we finally made it, and Brian let his pack fall as he set about climbing at once.
“Uh, you don’t wanna set up camp first?” Justin asked, taking out his tent and tools for making a fire.
“I want to see the woods from up there,” Brian said, looking at me as if to ask if I was coming.
I let my own pack side off and we climbed the side of the trestle side by side. We were laughing as the ground got farther and farther away, the girders lifting us above the trees until we finally crested the top and came to the old tracks of the railroad. I was full of wonder as I looked out over the woods, the trestle spanning the entire gorge before slanting back down to the woods again. From up here, the clouds looked very dark, and I wondered if the tent would be enough to keep us from getting wet.
“Check this out,” Brian said, dangling his feet over the side as he looked down into the gorge.
Watching him made me slightly dizzy, and I didn’t dare join him on the precipice.
When he came back up, however, he had a rope with him and nodded me over to help him pull it up. It wasn’t really heavy, but we were careful not to get it stuck on anything. Brian left me to pull so he could look over the edge and reported that the rope was attached to an old, red cooler. As it came up and over the edge, I saw that the rope was attached to the handle and the whole thing was the red of a kid's wagon left out in the sun. The box was ancient, the bystander of a thousand summer outings, and there was something inside it.
Brian opened the lid and smiled as he pulled out a lukewarm six-pack of Natty Ice, a brand I was passing familiar with. Dad, a staunch Budweiser man, had always shook his head and called it “pisswater” when he saw it on sale, but I figured for a bunch of kids who were barely old enough to buy beer the price was probably right. I assumed Brian’s brother had put it there, he had told us where to find the trestle bridge, after all, and as Brian fished the note out from under them, my suspicions were confirmed.
“Brian, this is a place where high schoolers have come to drink and hang out for generations. Our own mom and dad sat on this bridge and drank when they were in High school, and now it’s your turn. I spotted you a sixer this time, but you’ll have to bring your own next time. If you ever have extra, leave them in this cooler and then tuck the cooler back under the trestle bridge. Also, don’t go under the bridge, we think there might be a bear under there. Kevin.”
The thought of a bear so close to our campsite kind of scared me, but Brian brushed it off.
“He’s probably just messing with us. Want one?” he asked, popping the top on one as he offered me another one.
I hesitated. I’d never drank before, but I figured just one wouldn’t kill me. It was warm and tasted terrible, but it wasn’t the worst thing I’d ever had. Brian drank his quick, laughing as he threw the can into the gorge far below. We watched it spiral down, spilling the last few remaining drops before it clinked weakly on the bottom.
As if in answer, there was a distant rumble of thunder, and from our vantage point we saw the lightning crack in the distance.
We were on a big metal structure with lightning coming in quick and rain already pattering lightly around us.
“We better go,” I said, Brian looking at the lightning as it rumbled again. He nodded and we decided to run down the tracks rather than try to scale back down. It would mean doubling back, but it wouldn’t be a long trip, and the thought of juggling the rest of the beers and trying to climb down sounded nuts. Brian was holding the four of them close as he ran, smiling to himself as he talked about showing them to the guys.
“Justin will flip!” Brian said with an evil laugh, “You know he still won’t even be around anyone who smokes because of that dumb DARE pledge?”
He was right too. Justin was furiously hammering in tent pegs when we arrived, looking up at the sky every time a drop hit him. He stopped, though, when he noticed us come back with cans that clearly weren’t soda. Frank must have recognized them because he laughed and commented that they had found a pretty cool surprise. Brian tossed him one, turning to Justin as he offered him one too.
Justin put his hands on his hips, looking like my mother when she was disappointed in me.
“Hell no, and you shouldn’t either. Why would you just drink something you found on a rickety bridge?
Brian blew out a long breath and popped open another one, “Because, spaz, my brother left them for us. There was a note and everything, so cool your jets.”
Justin went back to work, mumbling darkly about being reckless and drinking things that could be poisoned or drugged.
The tent came up, and not a moment too soon. The rain was really starting to come down, and it looked like there would be no fire tonight. We all headed into the tent, the wind picking up as it shoved at the tent and made the ropes and pegs groan. It was big enough to fit us all comfortably, and as the lamps came out, Brian held up the last two beers.
"Split the last two?" he asked, everyone but Justin agreeing. We poured them into our camp cups, starting to clink them together before Brian turned to Justin. He was pretending to busy himself with something in the corner, but it was pretty clear he didn't approve of what we were doing.
"Come on, Justin, it's not gonna hurt you. I tell you what, if we see you become an alcoholic after one sip, we'll push you into the gorge and save you the embarrassment."
"Not funny," Justin said, but we had clearly worn him down. After another half-hearted refusal, he finally held his cup out to Justin who grinned as he poured the last of the beer into it. Then we clinked our glasses together and drank, everyone pulling a face which we laughed at. As the storm raged outside we ate some MREs we had packed just in case of bad weather and started on ghost stories. Brian was just telling us about a man with a hungry ghost in his basement when a big gust of wind hit the tent hard enough to collapse the middle brace and send it crashing down on us.
We floundered for a minute, looking for the zipper as we tried to escape, and finally stepping out into the driving rain. It was still afternoon, the sun an angry line amidst the storm clouds, and I turned as I heard someone struggling with the tent. Justin was trying to pull it, the wind threatening to take it from him with every gust.
"Come on," he shouted, "Help me get it under the trestle. It should work as a windbreak."
I remembered the warning about a bear, but Brian just shouted back that it was either the bear or the rain.
"Besides," he said, "If we see one, we'll just run like hell."
It was hard to argue with him while the rain was coming down, so we all grabbed a tent post and moved it into the dry cave created by the trestle. Unlike a lot of train trestles I had seen in movies and TV shows, this one was enclosed. I'm still not sure why, but it worked out well for us that day. We knocked in the tent pegs and sat in the tent as we watched the rain come down in buckets outside. Our stuff had gotten a little wet, but we hadn't brought anything that couldn't take a little water. As the light gave way to dark, we started breaking out our lanterns and cards, settling in for the night as we listened to the rain.
As I lay there watching Justin and Brian play their fourth or fifth game of Magic the Gathering, I started hearing something besides the rain. It was a deep rumbling, like something snoring deep under the metal bridge. I thought again about Brian's brother telling us there was a bear under there. I didn't want to get eaten by a bear in my sleep, and if we were going to have to move again, it was better to know now.
I took out my flashlight and started looking into the shadowy depths of the trestle, but there was nothing to be seen. There was some very thick-looking mud under here, some of it having made little stalagmites on the ground, but I couldn't see anything sleeping under there. It wouldn't make a very good den, I reflected as I shone my light around. It was open on both sides with the gorge coming in about thirty feet from our tent. There was really nowhere for anything to live down here, but as I swung the light from right to left, I could still hear that weird breathing.
On a whim, I pointed it up and under the bridge, and that was when I saw it.
At first, I thought it was a bunch of bats clustered together, but when it flinched under the beam of my light, I knew it was just one big thing. It was a huge bat, maybe bigger than me, with its large, leathery wings pulled up tight around it. It was clinging to the bottom of the trestle bridge, and I imagine it had been a bad spot to hang when the trains still ran. I spotted a slight movement to its left and found a second one hanging not far from it. In total, there were four of them, and when one of them shifted its wings to look down at me with a red, unhappy eye, I turned off the flashlight and zipped up the tent.
The guys had some strong words when I started turning off the lanterns, but I told them to be quiet and get down.
"What?" Frank asked, "Did you see something out there?"
"Was it the bear?" Brian asked, keeping his voice low as we hunkered doen.
"What bear?" Justin asked, but I waved a hand at them, trying to get them to be quiet.
"It's not bear," I hissed, but about that time, there was a weird sound from outside.
It sounded like a high-pitched yawn as something came awake followed by the rustle of wings. The talk in the tent had ceased now, and you could have heard a mouse fart. In the dark of the undercroft, we heard something huge and leathery take flight, rustling the canvas of the tent as it left the darkness. A second took flight a moment after, and I heard water cascade down as it shook the top of the trees. We all lay on our stomachs, panting for breath as we listened for more.
I had seen four, and only two had left so far.
When something hit the ground about a foot from our tent, Justin had to slap a hand over his mouth to stop from screaming. The hushed remnants squeaked from between his fingers like a deflating balloon, but if the creature heard it, it never showed any sign. I could see the vague outline of it as it rose to its full height, and as it flapped its wings and took flight, the tent rustled like it had in the wind.
"Is that all of them?" Brian asked, three sets of eyes turning my way.
I started to tell them there had been a fourth, but that was when the fourth fell on top of the tent. We were very lucky, all things considered. It landed right in the middle of the tent, shattering the plastic pole and sending the plastic material down around us. The creature's toenails scrabbled across it noisily as it tried to find purchase, and when it took off I was afraid it would simply carry us off with it. Instead, it just ripped a hole in the top as it flew off, all of us still reeling as we lay under the canvas.
After a few minutes, it was decided that we would take our sleeping bags and our packs and leave the tent behind.
We spent a miserable night huddled under the biggest tree we could find. We probably looked like fat cata pillars as we hunkered against the roots of the big tree, but we were as dry as we could manage. We all kept looking towards the skies, afraid the giant bat things would come after us, but they never did. We didn't talk, we didn't dare, and when the sun came up, we made our way out of the woods. We arrived at my house cold, scared, and unwilling to talk about what we had seen. My parents probably thought we had run afoul of something like a bear or a cougar, but they had no idea.
That was about two weeks ago, and we haven't been back in the woods since. Just knowing that those things are in the woods makes us not want to be there after dark. It's a shame because the woods were our spot, our sanctuary, and now it seems tainted. Brian doesn't even leave the house after sunset these days, and Justin looks at the sky when he's walking. Frank says he doesn't really want to talk about it, and I think he's stoned a lot of the time.
I dream about it sometimes, the way that one big red eye looked at me when I shone the flashlight on it, and I can't help but wonder what something that big eats?
I think it will be a good long time before I talk any of them back into the woods, and our camping days may be at an end.