For context, i 21W and for personal reasons let’s name them Lily 20W and Sam 20W. So we been best friends since elementary school up until my junior year in hs, im now in college. Before the pandemic, I was depressed so I pushed them away. I took counseling till the pandemic hit back in March 2020. So for the duration of 2020-2023 we had completely stopped talking. During those years I had recovered and reached out to them and apologized for my mistakes and the time lost. We went out once during that time period and after that they didn’t reach out anymore until this past February. We talked made plans and went out 2x. I thought we were back to our friendship and all was fine. I was genuinely happy because I developed trust issues. I haven’t made any other friends due to my fear of being ghosted or something. So hanging out with them made me happy naturally. We agreed to hangout again at some point in time and I gladly waited. But at some point in time I just realized it’s not the same. We were supposed to hangout but one of them canceled and after that no one has said anything. It’s been months and last week I had seen them post a story of them hanging out together. It hurt I won’t lie because this time around I’m not sure if I did something wrong? To make one thing clear, I didn’t expect our friendship to be the way it used to be. But I was hoping that I can still have a friendship with them and hopefully it can be better than before. Then I had seen Lily this past weekend and mid convo she walked away. No goodbye or nothing. I was so shocked I stood there for a moment. At this point in time I’m just done. As much as I want their friendship I think it’s the memories is what I’m referring to. We grew up together for the past 10 years. But I don’t wanna keep begging people who just don’t wanna be friends with me. By begging I mean having to initiate the conversations in our gc. Like I’m happy for them with what they’ve accomplished and I don’t hold no ill feelings towards them at all. I used to yeah. Did I talk shit? I did but I told Lily to her face about it awhile back. I’m finally at a point where I just want peace. I wanna know if I need to have some sort of closure with them for my own sake because I’m honestly tired of the whole “talking to you for awhile and then ghosting you” like I just want genuine friends around me that actually want me around. I feel like whatever I do, I need to close that chapter in my life with them so I can move on and work on my trust issues. I love them greatly and miss them a lot but is there a point to this friendship?

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/brokenheartedsister
My (26F) fiance (28M) slept with my sister (32F). Heartbroken and devastated. I can't move on.
Thanks to u/Choice_Evidence1983 for suggesting this BoRU
TRIGGER WARNING: infidelity, betrayal, self harm, depression, property damage
Original Post Nov 27, 2015
Hi Reddit. I'm posting here in the hope that someone can give me some advice, share their experiences, I don't know. I'm just completely at a loss. I feel like my heart has been ripped out.
My fiance (let's call him Jake) and I have been together for 7 years. I don't know a life without him. I met him at university, we stayed together past graduation, and moved into a flat which we bought together 2 years ago. He proposed last summer and we were set to wed in July 2017. We have had very few problems until now.
My sister (let's call her Sara) is an extremely volatile person. Growing up, I doted on her completely but she had a lot of personal issues that made our home life turbulent. Her childhood was very different to mine. My parents had very little money, they were on the brink of a divorce, my dad was physically violent on a number of occasions. Whilst things improved drastically in the years after I was born, she has an abundance of problems that stem back to this. My parents feel a lot of guilt about Sara's upbringing, and used to let her get away with some shocking behavior.
Sara had the same boyfriend for as long as I can remember (they dated from when they were 16), and their relationship was toxic. They habitually broke up and got back together; when they were good, they were crazy in love. But more often than not, she would have these insane arguments (sometimes physical) with him then take out her frustrations and despair on myself and my parents. I remember spending many nights lying by her side in bed while she cried so hard she would retch. After their arguments, she would throw plates and glasses at the wall, hit herself. Sometimes she would hit me and my parents too. It was like he was a drug to her, and she was emotionally stunted and didn't know how to see anything past their relationship.
2 months ago, her boyfriend called things off for good. I don't know what gave, but after nearly two decades together, he finally had enough. He booked a one way ticket to another country, changed his number, deleted all social media profiles, and essentially disappeared from Sara's life. To this day, she still won't explain what caused this, but it was long overdue.
To say Sara was devastated is an understatement. She moved out of their shared rented apartment, and in with my parents. I would visit her most days after work, where she would flit in between explosive rage to an almost catatonic silence, staring at the wall with tears streaming down her face. At one point, we were all extremely worried she might seriously harm herself and organized for her to see a therapist (something I had suggested for years). Of course, she backed out days before her appointment, and there were no consequences. She is, after all, a grown woman. She just hasn't changed emotionally in the entire time I've known her, and still acts like a teenager.
2 days ago. I went to visit Sara, who was in bed in her darkened room. I let myself in and attempted to speak to her, telling her about my day at work. She immediately exploded, screaming at me, throwing her pillows across the room, crying uncontrollably. She told me life was unfair. That I had everything and she was left alone to "rot". That everything wrong in her life was because she was a bad person. She hurt her boyfriend, she drove him away, she's ruined our family, she fucked Jake and didn't even feel guilty at the time. I initially thought I'd misheard her, but then she said it again. It was like she had poured a bucket of ice water over me.
I silently left, shaking. When I got home, Jake was there watching TV. It came out of my mouth the second I saw him, and I could see in his eyes it was true. He broke down, and told me it had happened 3 years ago. Sara had had another blazing row with her boyfriend and decided to drive round to Jake's looking for me. I was at our parents at the time and Jake attempted to pacify Sara. He comforted her while she sobbed in his arms, and one thing led to another. They had sex.
I packed an overnight bag while he followed me from room to room, sobbing and telling me it was the worst mistake of his life, that he still has no idea how it happened. That he felt unbelievably guilty the second it was over, that it feels like it wasn't even real. I left him in the doorway begging me not to leave.
I've checked into a hotel and have switched my phone off. I don't know what to do, who to tell, where to begin. I feel sick, like this is a bad dream. My heart feels like it's been ripped into a million pieces. For all of Sara's faults, I love her more than anything. It's the two people who are more to me than anyone else in the world.
How the fuck do I move on from this? I feel like I'm in a bubble. I don't know what's going on in the outside world. All I do is cry and sleep in this room. Someone please help me make sense of this.
tl;dr: My volatile sister recently went through a break up after a 16 year relationship with the love of her life. She is severely depressed and almost catatonic; I went to visit her one day only for her to explode and tell me she slept with my fiance 3 years ago. He admitted it was true and I haven't spoken to a soul since. I have locked myself in a hotel room with no plans of ever coming out. My heart is shattered into a million pieces and I don't know what to do.
Update Nov 29, 2015
Hi everyone.
I logged on this afternoon to find 300 + replies and messages to my post. I am unbelievably touched by the all people who reached out to me, particularly fractalfay's incredible response which spoke to me on a level I didn't think possible from a stranger. I'd like to thank each and every single person who took the time out of their day for me; I was so overwhelmed that I've not responded to a single one as of yet but it is truly truly appreciated.
Now onto the update.
It has only been a day or so since I made my post, but it feels like I'd been in that hotel room for weeks, crying in the dark buried under the covers. At some point this morning, I decided to draw the curtains open and let the sunlight in. I went and sat on the balcony and switched my phone on for the first time. It started ringing within 30 seconds. It was my mother, who burst into tears as soon as I answered. Her and my parents had obviously been desperately worried (this is the longest I have ever gone without contact) and had even contemplated calling the police had I failed to contact them by this evening.
My mom informed me that as I was walking out of Sara's room, down the stairs, and out the front door, Sara was screaming and wailing that she's sorry. Funnily enough, I didn't hear this. I don't know how. I think I was in such a state of shock that I couldn't process anything around me. Honestly, I can't even remember the drive home. After I shut the door behind me, my mom (who was the only other person at home) rushed into Sara's room to find her trashing her room and attempting to slash her wrists with a blunt lino cutter of all instruments (Sara used to do a lot of art). Obviously, this barely caused a scratch but jump started my mom into action. She drove Sara to the hospital, where I understand she underwent some sort of assessment and was kept overnight. She has, incredibly, agreed to undergo treatment for whatever it is that is wrong with her. My mom was surprised she was so complaisant on the drive down, willingly entering the car and saying nothing other than asking where I am.
Sara seems resigned and completely deflated; my mom spoke to me at length for the first time in my life about the hardships they had undergone during Sara's childhood. I am unwilling to go into detail and am still in shock about some of the things I heard. Sara is not devoid of responsibility; she has long surpassed the age where she can blame her childhood for her behavior, but my mom admitted through tears that not sending her to therapy at an early age was the biggest regret of her life so far.
I asked my mom if she knew why I had left; she admitted that she had known SINCE SARA'S EX LEFT TWO MONTHS AGO. At this point, I had to struggle not to hang up and I suddenly felt myself going back into that pit, but she begged me to listen. After her ex Harry (I am too drained to invent a name...hi Harry) left, Sara told my mom exactly what had happened. It was not the reason for Harry's departure, although he did know about it. Rather, he had had enough of being Sara's carer, and years of begging her to seek help had fallen on deaf ears one too many times. When Sara informed my mom, my mom told Sara I have to know immediately. Sara refused to tell me, and I still don't know why she changed her mind in that moment. My dad doesn't know for anyone wondering, and thinks I've left as I've also finally had enough of Sara's behavior.
Now here is where the home truths came out. I asked my mom if she knew the details. She was reluctant to tell me anything, stating that it had happened and that was all I needed to know. But I told her I refused to step foot in the house until I knew everything. She then proceeded to tell me that a few months before they slept together, Sara and Jake had kissed at my dad's 60th birthday party. It was a large family gathering with a lot of alcohol involved. I remember Jake getting very drunk with my cousins. Sara had a crying tantrum prior to arriving as her and Harry had an argument and he refused to come (she called me sobbing before she arrived). At some point during the night, Jake asked her if she was okay and hugged her, and once again "one thing led to another" and they shared a kiss in the kitchen. Sara told my mom that they were both immediately remorseful and vowed never to speak of it again, but Sara deliberately sought him out the night they slept together knowing he was unlikely to turn her down. She openly admitted she did it to get back at Harry, who had cheated on her during one of their many infamous breaks. I don't think I even entered her thoughts.
At this point, I'd heard enough. We'd spoken on the phone for over four hours and I felt mentally drained and physically sick. Any hope I had of salvaging my relationship with Jake has completely gone. I feel the last 3 years have been tainted by their betrayal, and the many years before that I wonder: did he like Sara this whole time? Part of me doesn't even want to know.
It's worth noting he has made absolutely no attempt to contact me other than a single TEXT stating "I'm sorry. Take as long as you need". As if it's inevitable I will come back to him.
Things are still up in the air. I don't feel ready to check out of the hotel as I don't know where I'm going to go next. I feel my relationship with my mom has been rocked by these revelations. I don't know what's going to become of Sara. I have no idea what I'm going to do about me and Jake's flat, where I'm going to live. I don't even know if I have a job anymore. I just haven't showed up to work.
But I know the truth and the smallest part of me is grateful for that. The rest of me is consumed by a pain I never imagined possible.
I guess there's nothing else to do now except wait and see how things unfold. But reading through your comments and messages have been more help than you can imagine, thank you thank you thank you.
And for anyone who has have ever experienced symptoms like Sara's, or has been around someone who is so visibly troubled, I beg of you: seek help before it's too late.
tl;dr: I had a four hour conversation with my mom, who not only knew about Sara and Jake, but informed me that they had shared a kiss a few months prior to the event. I am still in the hotel, still heart broken, and have no idea what to do next. The only saving grace is that Sara has agreed to treatment and will not be in my life for the foreseeable future.
Final Update Dec 26, 2015
Hi everyone!
I thought I would make a final update (to my original post and update) as I received a lot of messages over the last few days wondering how I am over the holiday period.
Once again, I'd like to thank you all for the outpouring of support I've received over the last month. The number of messages, links to help, and offers for a shoulder to cry on were overwhelming and touching. I apologise if I never got round to replying to them all, the last few weeks have been a blur. But I am eternally grateful nonetheless.
So, after my conversation with my mom (where I found out she had known about Jake and Sara) I went back to square one. I switched my phone off again, and retreated back into my hotel for a further 5 days. From the comments on my last post, I should clear up one thing: my mom hadn't known about Jake and Sara from the very beginning. Rather, Sara had told her about it at the time of Harry's sudden departure (meaning she had known a couple months before I did).
Eventually, I decided enough was enough and decided to call work. My boss wasn't angry, or even surprised, to hear from me. My mom had called him after our conversation and told him there had been a family emergency and I would be unavailable for the forseeable future. He advised I take to the end of the week, but would have to come to a meeting if I required any more time off work than I had already given myself. So my job was safe(ish) and I'm back at work and trying to get on with things.
After this, I went back to my parents. Sara was also home but holed up in her room. I went in to see her and she was up painting. As a number of you guessed, it is likely she has BPD, although my parents are waiting on a second opinion. She is going to counselling weekly, and seems slightly better. She broke down in tears when she saw me and we had a long long talk, where she spoke to me in depth about how truly consumed she was by her and Harry's toxic relationship. She understands it's for the best that it's over, but she describes the pain as "unrelenting: it hurt when he was with me, and it hurts now he's gone".
I know alot of you will feel disappointed that I haven't cut her or my mom out of my life for good. I still feel resentment in the pit of my stomach when I think about it, but truly, I blame Jake more than anyone else. Jake was with me for long enough to see some of Sara's behaviour. She's not well and he still chose to do what he did. It is a slow process, but she's my sister and I can't cut them out of my life forever. It will never be the same again, but maybe that's a good thing.
My dad, who had been newly informed on the proceedings, drove to my apartment and gathered some clothes and an overnight bag. Jake was not home, and my parents have not heard from him since I left. I have no idea where he is, and neither he nor his family have attempted any contact with me since this came out. His social media profiles have disappeared, and I have not attempted any contact with him, his family, or his friends. I began the slow process of telling my friends last week. I did not explain what happened, other than to say Jake was not the person I thought he was. They have all assumed cheating, but there is no reason for them to know who was involved.
I have switched back and forth between staying with my parents and sleeping at my apartment. I sleep on the sofa bed as the memories are too painful at the moment. I am in the process of looking into selling the place, however, this means contacting Jake at some point in the near future as the apartment is joint owned. I will cross that bridge when I feel a bit stronger.
Christmas day was a strange and sad one for both myself and Sara. But we spent it as a family, and for the few hours we were sat around eating and watching movies the pain was dulled even a small bit. As we were flicking through the various movies and TV episodes we'd recorded, I came across a scene that stuck with me, a scene that ended with the words: "la familia es todo".
I still spend most days with a hole in my heart, it hurts more than anything I've ever felt in my life...but it's getting better. I know I've got a long way to go, but for the first time I'm confident I'll get there.
Thank you for reading and here's to 2016.
tl;dr: Jake has disappeared without a trace. Sara is in treatment. My heart still hurts but I'm finally starting to get better.
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP
DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP posted from 2 accounts: u/Actual-Beach-4400 + u/Affectionate_Egg895
Originally posted to Marriage
My husband kicked me out of the home because I invited over his mother
Trigger Warnings: sexual abuse of a child, trauma, miscarriage
Original Post (AutoMod): March 30, 2024
I preface this by saying I think I screwed up massively.
Hubbie and I have been married for six years now. He's always been the "fun guy", always laughing and making me laugh, always seeing the bright side of things. However, one thing that bothered me was that I never knew much of his family. His father died when he was little and he has little relationship with his mom.
I'll keep this short: four months ago I looked up his mom on social media and found her. I sent a message, and she replied. We chatted and met up, she doesn't live far from us. She knew all about me and her son because she kept an eye on him on social. We became friends and I filled her in with details about our lives. I asked her why hubbie went no contact with her. She refused to tell me why if hubbie didn't tell me, just said it was all her fault and she's ashamed of it. I proposed to try what I could to help them reconcile and she agreed even if she was reluctant at first.
In the following weeks I tried talking to hubbie about his mother and what happened between them. He always changed topic or shut me down. When MIL asked me how it was going, I told her things were progressing and I was working on it.
Last week I decided to try and have them meet up so maybe we could spend Easter together. I invited MIL over before my husband would be back from work so we could surprise. She was a bit unsure about this, she said she wasn't comfortable surprising him like that, but I ressured her. I thought that any emotion hubbie could have would be better cooled by a hug.
Spoiler alert, MIL was right. Hubbie came home, and after the initial shock started yelling like I never heard him to her to get out immediately. She just grabbed her coat and stormed out. Afterwards, hubbie told me to get out too when I explained what I had done. He didn't yell at me, but his voice was cold and almost emotionless.
I've been staying at my sister's since. Hubbie won't take my calls. MIL cried on the phone and asked why I lied like that and never talked to my hubbie and "prepared" him for that. Now she stopped taking my calls as well.
I know I have screwed up big time, and I see now what a massive dork I've been. How can I fix this? I want to apologize to hubbie for what I did and maybe find out why his mom is dead to him.
Comments
Commenter: You’re a manipulative liar with no concept of boundaries. You’re staring divorce in the face and STILL want details on a situation that has absolutely fuck all to do with you. You know you’re a despicable person when even the estranged mother wants nothing to do with you. Grow up.
MollyRolls:You transgressed on such a massive and personal level and you still think you might be entitled to “find out why”? OP, this is not your trauma. Your husband is an autonomous adult who is allowed to set his own boundaries, and if you couldn’t trust his ability to make good decisions in that regard you should not have married him. Instead you meddled and undermined and completely violated his trust—he trusted that you would act like a partner, not an overbearing matchmaker who didn’t believe him about his own lived experience.
You don’t have to know what happened. It is not your place to judge whether it was “bad enough.” It does not matter if you ever understand. All you ever had to do was trust him, and you demonstrated you have no interest in being that sort of spouse, and so it serves you right if you lost him.
sk1999sk ask your husband to go to marriage counseling. You betrayed him big time. He may never be able to forgive you. You also need individual therapy to find out why you would do something like this to someone you supposedly love. if your husband refuses marriage counseling and ends your marriage, please see a therapist on you your own.
 
Editor’s Note: removed the bottom part of the update as it had the rehash of the original post
Update 1: April 20, 2024
Hey guys My original post and account got nuked, and I can't find them anymore. If someone can find my original post I'll add It in an edit.
The last weeks have been rough, but we might be okay.
Hubbie opened up about the reason he cut off his mother and many of you were right, it was s3xual abuse. Not from his mother, but his stepfather. They were engaged and his mom was pregnant with his child when the guy started giving my husband "attentions".
Husband went to his mom but she shut him down accusing him of being jealous and wanting to spoil her happiness. This went on until his mother came home from work unexpectedly and walked in on the guy "giving attention" to my husband. She kicked him out, pressed charges and annulled their engagement, but the damage was done and my husband no longer trusted her. She also lost the baby due to stress and although she never blamed my husband for it, he felt it was his fault.
All this felt like a gut punch for me, first for what he went through, and then because now I am the person who shattered his trust. He said he did consider divorce over this, but pretty bluntly said that he thinks my actions were out of stupidity rather than malice, and he wants to work things out.
I am committed to do my best to become a better and safe partner for him, I know I have this stupid and selfish tendency to think that I often know better than him, but I have to get over it because it hurt him massively and almost imploded our relationship. I don't want to be another person he trusted and ended up hurting him.
He also decided to reach out to his mom and start talking to her again. He's not sure they can repair the relationship, but he wants for both of them to find some closure.
Comments
laurcarol: There is zero reason for him to repair the relationship with his mom . I hope he gets the closure he deserves. I happen to remember your original post, and I still don’t know if you fully grasp what you did wrong.
Kebar8: Just so you know this is not something that will be fixed in the next few weeks or months.
This is going to take years for you to regain his full trust and love again
I hope you've put yourself in therapy to work out why you put yourself first here and not his wishes
Dry-Hearing5266: You need to put yourself in therapy.
Your level of boundary stomping and dismissing your husband's feelings along with your admission that you often "think that I often know better than him" shows you have issues that you need to address in individual therapy
You need to understand that you don't deserve his consideration no matter the reason for his estrangement with his mother. Whether you think it's justified or not.
You seem to have some narcissistic tendencies, and you need to get that addressed. A mentally healthy person would never do this.
 
Update 2: May 13, 2024
Hello everyone.
You can find the rest of the story on my previous post.
My husband is doing better and our relationship is slowly getting back to what it was. I know it will take a lot of time to repair the damage I caused, but I am willing to give him all the time he wants and do anything he asks out of me.
The bitter irony of this whole story is that he told me he had been thinking about reaching out to his mother, but on his terms and time. By going behind his back I almost destroyed that chance of reconciliation and imploded our marriage.
I am working on myself and will start seeing a therapist next month so I never do something like that ever again and more importantly, never betray his trust ever again.
Also, with my husband's knowledge and consent, I apologized to MIL for leading her on with false promises and she has forgiven me.
As for him and MIL, they started talking to each other, have met a couple of times in public and yesterday my husband invited her over for dinner so that in his words we all can try to start over properly.
She's a very sweet woman and she's eager to reconcile with him and get to know me. My husband said that for now he wants for all of us to get a bit used to each other, then he and MIL will get to work on their traumas (his words).
He says she's not the "villain" in what happened, but he needs to come to terms with her poor decisions and his own feelings of guilt for her losing her baby. MIL on the other hand is very apologetic and extremely sorry about what happened (in my husband's opinion, sincerely so) and doesn't blame him at all for the miscarriage.
As for me, I just sit aside and do my best to rebuild the trust with my husband and become a better and safe partner.
He started being affectionate with me again and we are no longer on thin ice, but I can't stop thinking I almost lost him because I thought I knew better than him.
Comment
Veronika9216: I remember your story, and I hope you appreciate how lucky you are to be given a second chance.
You know you screwed up when both your husband and the estranged parent are upset at you for what you have done. It seems you all are on the road of reconciling, but never forget that your short-sighted actions could have nuked any possibility of them reconciling and your own marriage.
Be thankful you are given this chance, don't screw it up and although your husband and MIL have forgiven you for breaking both their trusts, it will take time to rebuild their trust for you.
 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

About 3 years ago I discovered my wife was cheating on me with a co worker of hers. It was what I guess you would call an emotional friend. I won't get in to the details of how I found out but after confronting her a few times over a few months she finally turned around and ended things with that person. At the same time many issues she had with me came to light and were brought up as reasons for what she did. I took all of this to heart, wanted my marriage to work, and agreed with many of her concerns. This led to a period of reconciliation between us where we we really working on things, and our relationship, love life, etc. was as good as it had been in a while. Things seemed good, I knew she was genuinely remorseful too.
That good period lasted for 9 months or so and then I noticed a change in her behavior towards me. She wanted to be out of the house more, do more things on her own, etc. This was coming out of covid so of course I understood, and supported her as I was fully committed to making things work for her as much as I could. During this time I began hearing about a new employee of hers though. His name always seemed to come up when talking about where she'd been, baseball, things for work, etc. Normal stuff, all good but coming out of being cheated on and the residual affects of that, hearing the same guys name a lot raised a lot of flags.
I expressed my concerns over this which led to a lot of defensiveness but insistence that things were good. I noticed our romantic life began to suffer during this time too, not non existent but very sporadic and noticeably different. More defensives when it came up. Generally she was much more withdrawn, emotionless towards me, just different. I also noticed my wife on her phone texting more, a bad habit from the first instance of cheating, and she always seemed to be texting with this employee. This continued throughout a couple vacations we took, constant texting, taking selfies, etc. She continued to spend more time out and later hours at work during this time too. I raised my specific concerns multiple times, tried to express I was feeling isolated, etc, but the friendship continued.
Things came to a head around that christmas. She became very angry when I again brought up my concerns. During this time she became very resistant and unwilling to make decisions together, make plans, spend time together, ets. and her mood towards me really seemed to change for the worse. I asked about marriage counselling and we did begin attending during this time. This was about a year ago and our love life ended at that time too at her insistence. So we attended counselling for about 3 months, both of us were honest and shared but after a while she pulled away from that. She became very angry and resentful, dissociated from her family and mine during this time too. Brought up past resentments with how they'd treated her in the past. Just overall very angry and negative.
The friendship continued, with her continued insistence it was innocent. over the past year I've noticed some periods of time where shes spent less time with him, less texting, but I mean any amount of it I hope people would understand is harmful to me. Things never went away though and she'd make a show of saying shes with him, etc. or he'd be there with others just so I knew she wasn't hiding anything. I feel my concerns are valid, especially given our past issues and my genuine efforts to work on the marriage and on self improvement.
Recently though on the topic of self improvement I've been noticing a big chasm between how others around me (coworkers, family, etc.) react to me and how my wife does. I feel I'm a very positive person and others react very well to this but my wife maintains this strong wall against me despite my self improvement and consistently more positive behavior in our marriage over several years now, citing past behavior on my part that led to the first affair. This has become harder and harder for me to live with. I despearately want to make my marriage work, for myself, our kids and for every other normal reason. There is just so much to lose and I know I could contribute to a good marriage if we both wanted to work towards one.
She refuses to do that though. Cites past behaviour. But stays in the marriage, etc. It hasnt added up for a while. Why the abject refusal to at least try working on things when were still together with no plans not to be? Like why not at least try. Start with small things, low stakes at the start, build the trust, etc. Doesn't make sense. So recently I've started noticing things and I've found proof after 2 years of this that she has recently been lying about spending time with this employee. Business trip inconsistencies, etc. Scrap notes talking about cuddling, etc, being kissed on the forehead, holding hands, etc. with him when she was supposed to be elsewhere with other people.
So I confronted her with my feelings that something about her recent trip doesn't add up. Can she prove she was where she said she was. I know she cant. She became extremely angry, defensive, threats to leave the marriage, to walk out over me going there. It was bad. I never laid my cards fully out though to prove I know she's lying. I wanted to see if she would admit to anything, she won't. Still insists her friendship with this person has been significantly reduced (it hasn't, again I have proof of lying and that its inappropriate). I'm not sure if its sexual, but there is a clear emotionally supportive friendship happening that is definitely walking the line.
We're at the point now where we are talking separation for the summer. So I can work on my trust issues (yeah again I'm the cause of everything). Part of me feels its ok to try. She says shes still open minded to work on things if a separation helps to improve things but she won't commit. Theres clearly a lot of gas lighting here. I'm torn if this is even worth it or if I'm out of hope. Again there is so much to lose. I love this person so much and know it could work if we were focused on the same things. And of course the impact to my kids that I desperately want to avoid. I understand the emotional cheating is to fill something she wasn't getting from me in the past. But again, lots of self improvement on my part over years now and she has acknowledged I've changed for the better and can be a good husband. But refuses to work on things (despite being together) or to even tell me what she needs different. All I get is that she's traumatized from the past.
I'm looking for advice here. I know what I'm describing is a situation most would walk away from or even not let get this far. But here I am several years later. My strong conviction and desire is to try to earn a chance to make it work together, until the wheels fall off. But I also know I'm at the end of the road now. Am I right to keep trying this last ditch effort? Or am I being misled in it too. I'm so stressed, confused and have been carrying this for years. I know most of the replies will be blunt and that I should leave her, end things, start over. But I'm looking for any advice out there too that could help me stay on the path I've been on, I still have some hope. Please help. I need reassurance I'm still on the right path.

Hello all.
My brother has been with the same girl for over 10 years. She has been a sister, best friend, and an integral part of our family for a long time. Her family left years ago to move to another state and she's been visiting them more frequently lately. Well she just got back from a trip and dumped my brother after 10 years and said she was moving cross country to be with her family. That quick. They have had some problems and my brother can be harsh with his words, but he has never cheated or hurt her really bad and a few months ago she gave him an ultimatum to start treating her better etc and he was genuinely doing everything she asked. Apparently it wasn't enough and he became "too nice" and she's just making excuses and being pretty cold about it. I can empathize with her and the hurt she has received over the years. But the way she did this so abruptly and so cold has really deeply hurt not only my brother but others in my family as well. My brother wasn't a very stable person mentally to begin with and doesn't have alot in life to be happy about. She was literally the only thing keeping him together and providing him any sort of joy in his life. And i know you can't place that burden on people, it's unfair. But he was very good to her too and she is just throwing in the towel after over 10 years without even considering counseling, temporary separation, etc. My brother has never really loved anyone like her, and they basically grew up together so he doesn't want anyone else. Unfortunately he took too long to come around and work on himself.
I must also add that he had a very special day and proposal planned for her when she got back and then this happened. They had also just signed a multi year lease on a new home and now he is stuck in this situation and has to figure out how he will financially pay for it on his own. She had apparently been having mixed feelings for months so it's dually messed up that she signed a lease and all that knowing there was a possibility she would be leaving him. So he is just crushed.
So long story short, I am really deeply worried about my brother and worried he will do something to harm himself from the impeding pain he is going to face from here forward. We have all been messaging him every day and offering our support, trying to get him to do activities etc. But he keeps to himself and I am just really concerned he will hurt himself or relapse. If you have any kind words, suggestions, advice on what more we can do to help him over the next few months/years as long as it takes for him to start feeling better, it would be appreciated.
Please don't be rude and don't make any negative comments. Just some personal life advice would be great especially if you or someone you know has been through it.

I am having a horrible day so apologies if I come off as throwing a tantrum. I’m a second year who clerked, so I started in November.
I was “ramping up” in November and December, but since January, I’ve hit 200+ every month. This month has been even more brutal, I’m already at 155 hours for the month, coming off two 60+ hour weeks, and I feel like I’m dying with no signs the work is gonna slow (and in fact, people keep mentioning each matter I’m on is just gonna get more busy). People have suggested my hours are abnormal, and I even had a partner on my favorite matter call me last week asking about my hours and if I’m doing okay/taking care of myself, but none of this helps me work less lol
For one of my matters which I really don’t like, I’ve tried to disengage where possible and they’ve mostly been respectful of my time. But we have two juniors leaving (trial, paternal leave) and they expect me to step up to cover. I told them that I couldn’t take on more, though the partner expressed that she still expected I’d still keep setting aside at least a third of my time (currently this matter is maybe 15% of my time).
For my other two matters, I actually really like the teams and the substance, but the staffing is tough. I’m the only junior (and for a while, was the only associate period) on a DOJ investigation that keeps expanding; the partner is taking me to Asia next month for a week (sick) to meet our client, but it’s gonna be a ton of work in advance. On my other matter, there are two juniors and two seniors (4 associates total, plus one of counsel) servicing seven partners across multiple government investigations and multiple follow-on class actions. For the latter, a senior is off on vacation and delegated us an insane amount of work that is all due next week, and I’ve had to punt working on a lot of it bc I’ve been providing coverage to the other junior who was in depositions and then had his parents visiting. It’s really hard with these leanly staffed matters too bc saying “No” means fucking over my teammates who I adore and who I also know are really swamped.
Idk even at 200 hours/month, I’ve been okay and tried not to complain. But today, I’ve just felt like I’m gonna cry all day, knowing that this week is gonna be busier than the last two, and that this is gonna be life for at least the next few weeks.
Lol maybe this is stupid, but is this normal? I look around and I feel like a lot of people aren’t overloaded like this, but I’m not sure how I’m supposed to get there from here.

looking for advice from people in similar position. Married 14years, 21 with spouse. one child 11. in short when dating sex life was great then married and the usual down turn. I expected that as most people do. she never had high drive and I was fine with it as long as an effort was made. turn to marriage it became less frequent to about once a month. once a month I voiced my concerns and was met with the whole work time etc. so I'm like fine. then have kid and same. fast forward now last year was five times and this year we might be around the same. is this. normal? have asked and she shuts down completely saying I'm only interested in that etc... mind you since we were married she has never paid one mortgage payment or utility bill. same for car payment until she chose anew car after I paid for one completely. she goes out with her friends while I don't since she will have issues if I go out. now what has pushed me to the edge.... a few months ago we were at a party where we were both drinking(normal) a couple of people decided to do mj(allowed in state). she was so drunk she couldn't puff. but she then told me she had gummies/smoked earlier.this set off trust issues from me, I'm like when since we were together all night. she just started shutting down drunk and I let. it go. a few days later I asked her and she again said doesn't recall but didn't deny the gummies/smoked. I'm like it had to be at bathroom break(there was once she took a while but I didn't really mind as people talk). this whole time she was planning an exotic vacation that was all girls since I didn't have the budget for it as I pay for all I house besides a bill or two. I told her no as I was invited out of pity since it was to be a girl's trip. I felt horrible to be in public with people and her piling on me how I didn't go etc. little did they know the truth. forward a bit to few months ago same issue at party she goes and parties and then tells me. I'm like whatever, get home and she knocks out and no action. just building up and building up. few weeks ago a family vacation was planned with family function, she decides not to go. I had told her I would pay etc. she just says maybe. next time. with family they ask her she says no.. without telling me beforehand I'm like whatever at this point. the final straw was while out with mutual friends she mentions she is planning to go on. a girls trip to essentially same destination as my families which she said no to. am I wrong to feel just being used? on being lenient her going out, not having a sex life? at this point I have brought up counseling but she does not want to. she knows what she does and says if we didn't have a child, she thinks I would have left. In front of people they tell her I am so nice and patient, if only they knew... any advice is appreciated and sorry for the long post

Thou art wearied in the multitude of thy counsels. Let now the astrologers, the stargazers, the monthly prognosticators, stand up, and save thee from these things that shall come upon thee.Behold, they shall be as stubble; the fire shall burn them; they shall not deliver themselves from the power of the flame: there shall not be a coal to warm at, nor fire to sit before it

Tldr: thoughts on having an of counsel relationship with a rural firm I'm currently at while starting my own small firm in a bigger metropolitan area?
Bunch of background and probably way more words than needed: I have been a lawyer for 6 years. I've been at the same firm the entire time. It's in a rural part of the state. Our firm does a lot of practice areas. The owner does primarily corporate law, as general counsel for a lot of farm/ranch businesses, leases, real estate transactions, and a small amount of probate and estate planning. I do about 60% family law, then andlord tenant law, estate planning, probates, and some business law. A tiny bit of litigation. It's a small town. When I joined there were four attorneys. The two others left and last year we got a new associate, who is primarily doing corporate law. My boss hates doing family law and our other attorney has no experience or interest in it. There are about 5 attorneys in the town who do family law or you have to travel about 2 1/2 hours to a city to find counsel. I turn away potential clients because I'm too busy all the time.
Here's the thing - I need to move. I actually love the firm and the work life balance, but I have a child with some significant support needs that we didn't know about when we moved. Our families and significantly better resources exist where we were before. It's the other side of the state (6+ hours away) and significantly more lawyer saturated.
This is a sooner than later plan, but definitely by next spring. Another year or so before my kiddo starts school. I've put a lot of thought and worry into this decision.
My tentative plans is to open my own solo form/ possibly partner with a friend of mine in that area. The firm would be primarily the areas I already practice in (normal combination in both areas). But he wouldn't be free until about 6 months after the move so it would be solo first anyway. And I am worried about establishing a new firm and the cost of everything during the move (I have savings but).
My boss knows this might be coming, but only generally and not the new firm part.
What do you all think about a proposa to my boss where I would also stay as of counsel or as a contract attorney for family law for my current firm for as long as we both agreed? I would be able to meet via video with clients and travel in for court or other needs, but I appear virtually in court and for mediations etc all the time already. It's not unusual.
We would not in the same market. I'm not easily replaceable simply because it's hard to recruit attorneys to my current town because it's so rural. It's not a matter where they could just hire another attorney to do family law in the office. It would be probably at least a year and that's not a guarantee.
I do not want to just stay working for the firm remotely and I don't think my boss would be okay with that scenario anyway. I don't think it would work full time. But I do truly think this would benefit us both - I would still have money coming in during the transition, they would still have someone doing family law. I am not certain my boss would agree to it, but I also don't think she would automatically reject the idea.
Ethic rules appear okay with this so long as it is disclosed and conflict checks happen. It should not cause a lot of conflict issues because of the distance and the type of clients.
But it's not something I have personal experience with. Is it a crazy stupid suggestion? I'm sure there are logistics I haven't thought of. Does anyone have suggestions or thoughts on terms I should propose?

My store got robbed maybe a month or so ago. It was a sunday night, right when we’re about to go to our cars, they forced us back into the building. In the moment of it happening I froze up and complied with the robbers who were holding me and my co-worker at gun point. Me and my co-woker are friends and she protected me the whole way through.
Needless to say I have been shaken up about it. I’ve never had an issue with closing and my SM wants me during the day so I close once a week. I’ve had paranoia I had nightmares then it just stopped.
They caught the robbers maybe a week ago by now and I been back to closing once a week but only on Saturdays where we have 3 people closing. I broke down last night when I closed. It felt like it just came right back and slapped me in the face. Thankfully, I was able to go home. I’ve haven’t felt the same working there since the robbery.
I know DG has a counseling number to call. I didn’t really notice until writing this but I have been eating less, I’ve been isolating myself from everyone, and my dreams have been just hyperactive and vivid that they scare me when I wake up. I was doing so good until I broke down and now i’m bit nervous to go back in on Tusday. Sorry for dumping this out here, I kinda wish DG would do better on these things but it’s out of our and their control.

I have an extremely bright, strong willed 9year old boy who is very sensitive and has strong reactions to relationships or situations that he deems unfair or unjust. He participates in sport, music lessons, advanced math classes, and an advanced literacy program as well as his usual school schedule. He is the youngest in his class as he started schooling as early as able due to his academic aptitude- we recognise that he I s socially 6 months or so behind his peers, which seems to self correct as each year progresses (he worked with a counseling teacher last year to develop strategies). This year at school his teacher is very routine and respect focused (old school perhaps??) which I support, however my son (C) is struggling to manage himself appropriately within the classroom parameters. He has been lucky to have teachers in early schooling that encouraged discussion and actively leaned in to discussions with the children if an idea or topic took the lesson somewhere other than planned. C feels very under surveillance and restricted from having input into lessons and feels like he is in trouble a lot more this year, as the classroom structure is very outcomes focused - for talking. He does need reminding at home about listening and being respectful of others when talking but does work on modifying his approach as well as a 9 year old can be expected, and is genuinely kind and curious. He also has a tendency to tell jokes and be the “class clown” which I feel is so he is included and liked. He is - despite this! - well liked and has a lot of friends, but may be where his struggles come from. C feels singled out for talking in class and now feels picked on and redirected more than anyone else - I’m working with him on managing his reactions and completing assigned work in line with his teachers approach. We are working on ensuring adherence to classroom rules etc, which he is doing , however he vocalises to me how he feels singled out, and “in trouble” more than others. I have spoken to his teacher who assures me her approach is routine based and she tells more than just my child to quiet down, or follow rules etc. He is now presenting almost daily to the school sick bay to avoid classroom time and get a break from the class. How do I support my child to feel comfortable at school and uphold his teachers approach? I really am hoping I’ve not missed any serious issues with the teacher, but feel that adapting to people in life and managing self is a lesson he needs to learn. My struggle is am I doing the right thing by him?? Any advice welcome!

I 24F and my boyfriend 25M have been together since 2020 and he’s a good man but I’m not sure if something is wrong with me or if there’s something more going on. My boyfriend and I have very busy lives. For him it’s going to school full time, works part time, an intership with the university football team as a photographer, and his own photography business on the side for extra money. I also have a busy life with getting my masters degree, working full time, and now leaving for a paid two month long internship on the other side of the country. Because of our busy schedules, we have very little time to be together and I only come over to his house once a month. During that time I’ll sit in his room and watch tv and he’ll spend time with me on and off but he’s mostly in his office doing work or playing apex with his friends. When I’ve expressed this to him and my friends I’m told he should be spending more time with me but he’s working so hard to pay his bills and get his bachelors degree and need to give him grace. But now my friends have become concerned since I opened up about our sex life.
I’m not someone who is comfortable talking about sec in public, it makes me uncomfortable and feel ashamed. That’s something I need to work on and am in therapy for. The topic of our sex life came up over FaceTime with my friends. Everyone was joking about how they can’t get a moments peace without their boyfriends being all over them and noticed I hadn’t said anything about it. It’s not unusual for me not to engage in the conversation and I guess my friends could tell something was wrong. When they asked me how often we had sex, for the first time I was honest that it was between once a month or once every two months we’d do it. The call got dead silent and everyone was warning me that something was wrong and asked if I suspected him cheating on me I have the password to my boyfriends laptop, phone, social media, and email. I don’t often look through his stuff because I want to trust him and give him a little privacy but I unfortunately have looked through his stuff and never found anything. I’ve asked him countless time if there’s something wrong with me or if he’s no longer interested in me but he always says no and that he’s just not always in the mood. When I expressed this to my friends they urged me to suggest for us to go to counseling, but at this point I’m not sure that will fix anything because I just feel so unwanted. I don’t know what to say to him anymore because I do still love him and I understand he is trying to make ends meet but I don’t want to feel like I’m not attractive to him. What do I do? Any kind advice would be helpful.

My husband (33M) and I (33F) have been married 5 years. From the start of our relationship at 20yrs old, he has known that I am not OK with porn use in a relationship. A few times in our relationship I caught him watching porn and he promised he would stop. 2 years ago I found out he had been watching porn daily. I did not snoop but knew in my gut he wasn't being honest and confronted him about it by pretending I "knew" what he had been up to. He came out with it eventually although began with denial and then fed me more information piece by piece. I found out he had been looking at porn for at least an hour daily, and that he had recently been communicating with a woman who posted pictures of herself on reddit. I was devastated. I left home for 2 weeks to get some space and we decided we would go to couples counseling. We did couples counseling for about a year and I felt it was helpful. I learned that he uses porn as an outlet for stress and that he had been exposed to it at a very young age. I learned another reason he used porn behind my back was because he was embarrassed about bringing his sexual fantasies and somewhat kinky desires to me. We talked about my own insecurities and how his porn use exacerbated these insecurities and worked with our therapist to become more transparent with each other. I was open to trying his fantasies and kinks out with him as long as he abstained from porn use and he excitedly agreed. Although it took me a bit to feel more confident in the bedroom, and there were a few ups and downs where he slipped up, I feel like we got to a place where we were both happy in our marriage and with our sex life. We were having the kind of sex he desired as well as romantic sex that I desired. I participated in his kinks and even took several sexy photo shoots of myself for and also with him. I would often check in with him to see if he was happy and he always assured me he was very happy with our agreement and was not looking at women online. Sometimes he would get frustrated if I asked him if he was watching porn (even though our therapist told me to ask if I was feeling like he might be) and so I did my best to trust him, and he assured me that he would talk to me if he was struggling. Well, lately I had a feeling he was looking online again because we hadn't been having sex as often and he was being extra sweet to me, it just felt off. I decided to confront him about it. He denied it. I pretended I "knew" what he was up to again and he admitted that he has been looking at photos of naked women online again over the past 2 months. I'm incredibly hurt, but as this is the only issue in our relationship, I want to work it out. But I don't know if I can when I have been honest about my boundaries in a marriage from the start and he has consistently lied to me about them. He said he can't help that he desires women, which I understand to a certain extent. And I understand that it's actually sort of a soothing activity for him, but it's not something I'm comfortable with in a marriage. He says he doesn't want to slip back into watching porn again and that he wants to respect my boundaries. But I'm just not sure if I can trust him. I want him to be happy and told him if he needs porn to be happy that I respect that, but I can not be in a marriage with him if that is part of his life. He says he wants to abstain from porn and to be with me, and to get back to how it was when things were good. I'm not sure what to do. He has said all of this before and here we are again. I love him and he really is a wonderful husband outside of this issue. But I'm also left feeling insecure and like I am not and will never be enough woman for him. I guess I'm just looking for advice on if I should trust him again, or some stories of others who may have been in a similar situation and what they ended up doing. TLDR: Husband is watching porn even though he agreed not to if I participated in his kinks

My wife, Day (30), and I (29) have been together for seven years and just welcomed our baby girl four weeks ago. I am originally from East Africa, and Day is African American. About five years ago, I filed for my mother, Ana, to relocate to the US because I'm her only child and wanted her closer. I informed Day of this move, and she pushed against it. We argued, and I assured her that Ana would only stay temporarily with us for three months, after which I would help her find a job and a place to become independent. Day even argued that if Ana moved here, we would need to relocate to the South of the US to be closer to her mom, which was weird to me, but I was okay with relocating.
Fast forward to five months ago, Ana's visa was approved, and she needed to leave her home country for the US within six months. Coincidentally, Day was pregnant at the same time. I reminded Day about the relocation, and she threw a fit about it and used a lot of profanity toward Ana even though she had never met her. She also asked me to choose between her and Ana. I was confused about the question, as I never intended to make Ana live with us permanently or beyond the three months we had initially agreed on.
Also, throughout this period, I excused Day's behavior by blaming hormone changes due to pregnancy.Three weeks ago, we had a baby girl, and Ana arrived a week later, three days before her visa was meant to expire. From day one when Ana arrived, it's been hell in our house.
On the first day once she arrived, Ana was so excited to meet the baby and couldn't wait to hold her even though she was visibly tired from the trip. She went and took a shower and asked us to bring the baby. Day brought her from the bassinet to give Ana but was visibly upset. When Ana asked us to bring a blanket and a cap to keep the baby warm since she was barely one week old and was lightly dressed, Day responded to the request faster than I did; however, I could tell she was faking a smile and was very angry.
A few hours later, Day came to the kitchen area to do something, and Ana asked her to go and rest and told me to fulfill any tasks she needed. Ana also told Day that she could send her on any errands she wanted. Day went inside, and a few hours later, she called me to complain about Ana.Her complaint was that Ana was commanding her in her own house, asking her to bring the cap and blanket and also asking her to go get some rest.
Even though I know Ana means well, I empathize with Day and sided with her. I then went to Ana right after the complaints to discuss the situation with her and asked her to not interfere if Day does anything around the house. I also told her to politely ask Day for anything by saying, "Can you please".
Ana obliged without any complaints and even apologized, stating she didn't mean to offend her.It is worth noting that Ana also brought with her some native East African clothes as gifts for Day and the baby, which Day did not appreciate. I later lied to Ana, stating Day loved the clothes and was thankful for them.After that incident, there was some calm even though I noticed Day was always with our daughter in the bedroom and rarely came out.
When I realized for days she was always with the baby, I proposed we go out on dates to give her a break, while Ana watched over the baby. Day somewhat resisted and wanted the baby to come with us but later gave in and left the baby with grandma.
During this period, Ana would ask Day daily what she wanted to eat so she could cook it. I was helping with feeding the baby and changing diapers, alongside helping organize things in the house since we just moved to a new place. For about five days, there was some level of peace until my MIL visited.
As a matter of fact, a day before my MIL arrived, Day and I dropped the baby with Ana so we could go on a date. While we were heading to our destination, I overheard my MIL asking Day on the phone what we were doing, and she told her we were heading to the mall. MIL was upset when she told her we left the baby with Ana. Day kept saying, "Don't worry about it," multiple times. I didn't ask Day what was said, as that was a conversation with her mom, but I was concerned about what would happen once she started living with us.
It is worth noting that my MIL and my mom had never spoken to each other or met before or after we got married, so there is no bad blood between them.
The next day, when I returned from work in the evening, I found Day, Ana, and my MIL in the living room watching a show, which initially made me happy, thinking everyone was getting along. My wife even mentioned that she asked Ana to teach her Swahili, and my MIL expressed her plans to teach Ana crochet and said she would be buying the accessories needed. Ana was delighted to be around them despite her limited English.
However, I soon learned that Day and her mother were upset with Ana.While eating dinner that night, Day told me, "Ana needs to back off." I was taken aback and asked her what was wrong. She explained that while they were sitting in the living room, the baby began to cry in the bassinet, and Ana stood up and carried the baby, then asked her to make baby food.
Day was upset because she felt Ana had disrespected her and her mother by picking up the baby without permission and commanding her to prepare food. Another instance that bothered Day was when Ana stood over her while she was changing the baby's diaper, applying Vaseline.
I empathized with her and told her I would speak to Ana about it. After finishing my food, I talked to Ana about the allegations. Ana was shocked but apologized, explaining it was just a cultural norm in Africa for the community to help raise a child. I asked her to get permission from Day before carrying the baby, even though it felt strange to do so, and to refrain from interfering when Day was changing the baby. My mom said she wouldn't beg to carry her grandchild and decided she would avoid sitting with Day and my MIL to prevent any further offense.
The next day, Day came to me, visibly upset, stating her mother had cried because of the disrespect from Ana. I was alarmed, thinking this was a new incident, but it turned out to be the same issue from the previous day. Day began using profanity and stated that as long as Ana lived in the house, she would not find peace nor be allowed to carry the baby.
She even threatened to call the police if Ana made her mother cry again. I tried to calm the situation by stating that her mother was being manipulative and that she was being influenced by her, which upset Day even more.
For the next three days, Ana did not touch the baby but remained polite to my MIL and Day. Yesterday morning, I was holding the baby and needed to do a few chores around the house since Day was resting after watching the baby during the first shift. I took the baby to Ana upstairs to allow her some time with her granddaughter while I worked.
When Day realized I wasn't holding the baby, she was very upset, but she didn't say anything. Once I finished what I was doing, which took less than an hour, I went upstairs and took the baby from Ana, asked my MIL if she would like to hold her. She declined, so I took the baby to Day.
Today, I was trying to wash feeding bottles and asked my mom to help me hold the baby. She obliged, and once the baby started fussing, she asked me to bring her food. I did, and she began to feed her. When Day saw Ana feeding the baby, she was upset again and asked me if we hadn't gone to church yet. I told her no, as I was trying to finish washing the bottles. She proceeded to take the baby out of Ana's hands. Ana asked her if she could just finish feeding the baby, but Day didn't respond and just dragged the baby out of her hands.
I felt ashamed watching this play out in front of my eyes. I didn't say a word. I drove Ana to church and felt stunned and ashamed that I somehow played a role in all that had happened. Interestingly, Ana didn't even talk about the incident; instead, she talked about something completely unrelated to take our minds off the situation.I feel like my MIL is somewhat responsible for Day's behavior.
She will be leaving next week, but I'm already sick of having her close to me and my family. It is worth noting that my MIL has four siblings, and the three sisters among them have cut her off as well as Day due to her dramatic nature. My brother-in-law has been married twice and on both occasions did not inform my MIL and wife about it until three months after the fact.
Also, our wedding was quite unconventional as it was during COVID-19, and my family couldn't attend to meet my in-laws, and Day and my mother-in-law fought during that period which led to no contact between them for a year.
I have excused Day's behavior as postpartum stress, but this is wearing me out. I have lost about 10 pounds in the last three weeks.This cultural difference was something I was warned about by friends, but I didn't listen and thought love conquers all. Foolish me.As much as I love Day, I really can't stand her disrespect my mom and also preventing her from holding my child.
I fear this may lead to the worst happening to our relationship if this issue persists.I am already thinking of going for counseling with her, even though I know she might decline.
People of Reddit, how do you suggest I approach this issue?
TLDR: My wife (Day) doesn't want my mom (Ana) to hold our child for no apparent reason.

Hi there, sorry about the formatting, this is my first time posting to Reddit so please be understanding. I'm unsure where I should even post this and I'm unsure if anyone will see this. I am a 25f new mum to a beautiful baby girl but I was definitely not ready to become a parent yet as I am still working through a lot of childhood traumas, sometimes I feel like I didn't have much of a choice but I wouldn't change it for the world as she is a blessing. I was so sick during the pregnancy that by the time I found out I was pregnant I left the decision to my partner as I felt I was in no state to make any decisions, we decided together to keep the pregnancy as we have had some fertility issues in the past and did not want to risk missing an opportunity like this again. I feel so blessed and my partner had also proposed to me a week before I gave birth which really helped me persevere. My partner is always by my side but is also struggling with his own issues which is why I don't want to make him deal with my issues.
My issue is now 4 months postpartum I am struggling to cope, not with the parenting and routines but with everything that has happened to me and how it affects my decisions when it comes to my daughter. I left home when I was 16 and spent years pulling myself out of depression and suicidal thoughts as well as building some coping skills that have really helped me in the past. Lately, I feel like I have hit a brick wall and nothing I have done in the past is helping me. I am constantly being told that I should be relying on the people around me more for help but when they do help in their own way, it usually makes things harder for me as they don't actually listen to what I am asking for and honestly I struggle to trust anyone when I can't even trust myself. Sometimes I am just so overwhelmed and the only I can do to keep my daughter safe is to walk away from her, I did not have that as a child and I will be damned if I let my issues affect my child like that. I feel such self-hatred, I have been struggling with a weed addiction as well even though I have managed to give up every other drug, alcohol and vice but no matter how hard I try I cannot do what is best for my daughter and I feel like a mess.
Every decision I have made in regards to my daughter has been argued with by so many people, I always knew other people would have a different opinion to me but I did not realise how many people would be in my face and offended by my choices. For example, I wanted to wait until 6 months to start feeding solids to my daughter but so many people on both my partner's and my side of the family kept pressuring us until we gave in and started feeding her at 4 months (gastro issues run in both sides of the family and I wanted to do as recommended by WHO to try to help my daughter avoid those issues). Another issue is that I am adamant about not sending my daughter to stay at people's houses (even family) or go to daycare until she is able to speak (I have been sexually assaulted as a child on multiple occasions in different situations, ei, at daycare, by other children in Sunday school, by other children who were left to take care of me and my family just to name a few) and my MIL has taken this personally no matter how I try to explain it to her. She can be very insensitive and often says hurtful things without even realising them. I haven't even mentioned my partner's childhood traumas as I am struggling to deal with my issues.
I have been to the GP to discuss my feelings and see what type of help I can get but he has only recommended anti-depressants and some counselling I'm unsure if that is going to help me at the moment as I have always struggled to help myself, especially through the mental health programs here. I also don't like the idea of being medicated as my mother has abused prescription medication, taken multiple things that weren't meant for her and has permanently affected her to the point she now gets seizures and other behavioural issues associated with abusing particular drugs.
I also have a very rocky relationship with my parents as my father was not there very often as a child leaving me and my siblings with our mother who neglected, physically, mentally, and verbally abused us. We were never given a safe environment as children, constantly surrounded by dangerous people, in dangerous situations. We never got appropriate medical attention unless docs or some other outside influence were involved. Eventually, all of us children were taken from our mother's care, most of us ending up with my father or their other family members as some have different fathers. Like I said I left home at 16 as I was becoming increasingly violent and mentally unstable and if I am being honest, being around my siblings after everything that happened was so hard, I had failed them so much and let them down and I just could not continue to hurt them like that. After I left I was a mess and my mother had actually convinced me to move in together, if it weren't for my now partner I would have been left in a situation that I could not handle, especially when my own mother scammed me, took my money, left us in rental arrears, left us in a house we couldn't afford on our own with her debt and continued to do the same thing with my siblings once they hit the age of 16 no matter how much I try to warn them what she is like. She is very good at acting like your best friend as a kid but constantly forgets she is supposed to be our parent.
There is just so much going on in my life and I am struggling to cope and need advice on how to get past these issues and be the best parent to my daughter.

After the last 4 months of drinking almost every day I feel a renewed interest in trying to quit again. If I'm being honest, I really don't see myself succeeding this time, just like I haven't the last 30 or so times I've tried over the past decade. The first few days are always a piece of cake for me, then when I'm starting to feel normalish I convince myself to get back to drinking. It starts off slow, but over the weeks it picks up until I go too far, stay up too late and let things like work ethic, housework, parenting responsibilities and personal care slide.
I think the main reason I get back on the booze after a few days away from it would be that I am genuinely 100% dissatisfied with my life. Things are bad, and they just keep getting worse. Work is unfulfilling, but I can't leave. I make decent pay ($35/hr) but I can't pay my bills due to crushing debt and a constantly rising cost of living. My wife and I separated 2 years ago (a good thing) but due to financial issues I had to move back into the house with her and the kids to avoid losing the house, which because I am behind on property taxes might still happen anyway. This makes for a somewhat uncomfortable living situation at times.
I am severely depressed and have zero self esteem but I can't find help. The province I live in is in the process of completely destroying and selling off our health care system so finding a family doctor is all but impossible. I've tried counselling but couldn't find a good fit before my benefits ran out as they only cover about 4 sessions per year. I'm severely introverted and have one friend who also happens to be my boss. We talk about this stuff, but I don't want to put too much on her as I feel like a burden as it is. Honestly, just typing that out has me wanting to take my empty cans in and rush off to buy a cheap case of beer to put an end to these feelings (even if just temporarily). I won't right now, and I'll try really hard not to later on.
In the past I've also convinced myself that because I wasn't seeing results as soon as I was hoping I would consider it not worth it and give up. If I were to list the things I would like to see from quitting they would be: - Increased energy levels. I always feel run down. - Better sleep. I can sleep for up to 10 hours and still have difficulty waking up in the morning. - More positive attitude. I'm so negative all the time. - A return of interest. I have lost my past interests and don't feel passion for anything anymore. I no longer feel a point to life and wouldn't say I have any goals anymore. - More money. Or more accurately put, I would like to feel like I'm catching up on what I'm behind on. Getting ahead is out of the question for the foreseeable future. - Get the drive to exercise. Even the thought of stretching semi regularly seems like an absolute impossibility right now. - Be more present with my kids. I'm present with them now, and very present with them when I'm in my drunken "sweet spot" but not so much in the mornings where I'm hung over. - Most importantly, I want to feel in control of my life again. In every aspect of my life I feel trapped and like I have no say in my own life. Obviously getting drunk, staying up late and playing video games let's me feel like I have some sort of control. The irony of it being that the beer is actually in control.
Anyway, thanks for reading through this kind internet stranger. I need help and am desperate to find the solution to the biggest problems in my life. Alternatively, if you're the type of person who reads through subs like this for the same type of entertainment you might get from watching Jerry Springer or Cops, then I hope my life is more enjoyable to you than it is for me. It gives it some sort of value.
Day 1...

Been married almost 20 years to my wife and have always tried to do right by my family. It’s been probably 18 months since we had sex. Tried and been trying counseling but I feel like I am there to pay the bills and nothing more. Never cheated on her as I don’t think it’s right. Maybe I don’t express that I feel like I am dying inside. I do love her and my two kids (11 and 8 yrs old). We both work and I do help out with the kids and house/chores stuff etc. However sometimes the smallest stupid thing can turn into an argument. Not saying it’s her fault but I never seek confrontation nor want it ever. Just don’t know how it could be this way when I feel like I have tried hard in this marriage. Over nights are out of the question kids too little and even date nights pretty non existent. I just Feel lost. I know there are a lot of jerks out there but I am trying to be the best I can for my entire family so any advice would be appreciated! Lost in Ohio!

Hi! So, at the end of this month, I will be entering my third semester of graduate school for a masters degree in counseling. While I am not yet certain what population I’d like to work with after licensure, I do know that I really would like to stay in academia as long as possible. I hope to one day earn a doctoral degree, become a professor, and I also have an itching desire to do research.
Until my first semester of graduate school, I’d tried and failed twice to get involved in some research. In October, however, a new professor in our program sent out a survey asking what topics us students might have interest in researching. I responded, and within a week, she’d reached out saying she had a project in the works she believed I may be interested in.
We met that same day, decided it was a good fit, and for the next couple of months, we’d meet regularly to brainstorm and organize a plan. She’d often take it upon herself to recommend to me books, podcasts, literature journals, etc. that pertained to my topic of interest; she seemed very involved and excited, and I was ecstatic because I’d been dying to do research.
Then, as Thanksgiving and winter breaks started up, her communication with me began to stifle. She’d not respond to emails I’d sent (even if she’d initiated the email conversation), and meetings became fewer and farther apart. I chalked this up to us all breaking for holidays in between semesters, certain communication would correct to it’s original frequency once Spring semester began. But it didn’t. I worked constantly on this project, excitedly so. But I couldn’t get her to communicate with me- unless SHE wanted to. She’d not respond to my requests for meetings, bail on whatever meetings we actually did plan (this was always last minute, too). She would ask for my work to proofread it, promising to have it reviewed by our following meeting. Yet, by the time I’d show up again, it wouldn’t have been looked at by her. Just a general losing of interest it seemed.
I completed everything last March, and I finally did get her to look at it. She said it was good, and she told me to contact our university’s IRB Director to make certain I’d filled out the correct application form. When I reached out to him, he expressed interest in my research and told me that he would take it upon himself to look into more IRB information for me. By the time this semester was over earlier this month, I still had heard nothing from him, even after reaching out to clarify where he was on progress. I expressed this to my professor, who said that she would try to arrange a meeting with him to build a rapport and start some communication about research with me and another one of her students. However, on the last day of the semester at around 8 PM in the evening, I received a message from my professor asking if the IRB Director had ever gotten back to me. It was as though she did not remember that I had told her weeks prior that he did not answer, and obviously, she made no effort to meet with him.
In that same email she also offered me the opportunity to work with her over the summer. No specifics were given other than she is going to be doing inclusion trainings at different spots around the campus, and she thought that since my research pertains to those with different abilities, that I might want to join. She definitely was overly flattering in this email, mentioning how she was bragging about me to others around the university, and how she thought that my level of “expertise” would be greatly appreciated in this endeavor. As always, I responded very thankfully. I told her that I still had nothing back from the IRB Director, but I would love to join her on this inclusion training thing. I ended the email asking if and when she might like to meet in person so we could discuss further both topics.
It, once again, has been weeks, and I still have no response from her.
I think that I feel really in the dark and confused. I am not sure what a normal time frame is to be expected to wait on professors. I know that she is very busy, and I know that she is involved in a lot of different things, both professionally and academically. I know that my research is probably on the very bottom of her list as it truly is an extracurricular thing on her list of stuff to do. I am trying to be patient, compassionate, and understanding, and I am trying my damnedest to be thankful that she is interested in doing research with me at all.
That said, I have had this pile of research pre-work ready to submit for approval for months now, and the reality is that it’s just collecting dust. I also feel stupid that I’ve allowed myself to get my hopes up at the idea of working with her on something that is so important to me around campus over the summer.
Am I being melodramatic? Like, is this how professors work? Should I express to her how I feel? In reality, I’m a bit scared to do that as I do not want her to feel disrespected at all.
Any advice that any of you guys had would be more than appreciated!

I moved to a new state with my husband about two months before he deployed. It has been very difficult making friends as I work from home. Even before deactivating my social media, it was very difficult making friends using social media group pages. He has been gone several months and while it hasn’t been easy, because I’m constantly alone, I thought it was going okay.
He emailed me last week, after going radio silent, telling me how much he is struggling and how unhappy he is. Shared that a lot of it is my fault. He doesn’t feel comfortable opening up to me and never will. To preface this, this happened after 5 days of no talking after a “fight”. I put it in quotes because I was genuinely trying to avoid a fight. We were talking on messenger. He was giving me one or two word answers to everything and I started getting frustrated. So I told him I was gonna let him go and to have a good night and I love him. He asked me what he did wrong and I told him nothing. He said I love you too and immediately logged off. I messaged him back explaining that it felt like I was trying to pull teeth talking to him and I know he is exhausted and stressed so instead of hurting my own feelings I would rather get offline. He never opened the message. I also sent him a screen shot about something funny his brother shared with me so he could get context about what I was asking and knew it wasn’t a big deal. But again, he never opened the message.
Five days later is when I received the aforementioned email; he was purposely ignoring me. He had promised me multiple times before that he wouldn’t do that sort of thing again (this was now the fourth time) and this one was by far the longest. I sometimes struggle knowing how to respond because when he shares that I’m upset about something, he gets the context completely wrong. For example, he thinks I get mad at him for talking to his family. That’s not true at all. I get upset that we get to talk for what seems to be a few hours online, and he’s not really participating in sharing anything. I have to ask questions, I get one or two word answers back and that’s it. I try not to push but sometimes I need the communication to feel connected. He doesn’t tell me he misses me, he doesn’t call me babe or honey (he used to) I know he is struggling, and I’m by no means saying I have it worse, but on the boat, he has explicitly told me that he doesn’t like anyone, he doesn’t trust anyone and he absolutely hates this command. I don’t really have any friends but my isolation is not quite self induced.
I responded to his email explaining my side of things, and apologizing for not creating a space for him to feel comfortable to talk to me. That’s literally all I’ve tried to do but he just seems to feel pressure when talking to me. I genuinely believe his stress, anxiety and lack of sleep are highly contributing to his emotional and mental distress. Add that he is in a combat zone and I’m sure its worse. He won’t tell me that though, usually just says he’s not at all worried or makes a really dumb joke about it.
I all but begged him to please let me know if all he needs is space, that I want to support him but the silence is torture to me. I have an anxious attachment style (he is avoidant) so I tend to think worst case scenario. So I requested that he please put my mind at ease that he’s not considering ending our marriage.
Three days later he sends me a very long email talking about how he is not looking forward to coming home, and isnt because we couldn’t get thru a deployment without fighting; that he wants to go to his childhood home to see his family. That we don’t want the same things. That I’m happy where we moved to and he is not. He only chose these orders and the last orders to be close to his family. He hates that I don’t get along with his family and that I don’t really want to move there when he retires.
Let me explain that he lives in a very tiny town where there isn’t even a grocery store. I literally would not have a career within an hour of his town. We had agreed that we could live an hour away, like one of his brothers does and it would still be close enough to his family. Also, his family has been quite rude to me. I have been mending fences with them for the sake of my husband. I don’t care where we live in the grand scheme of things, but I still need to have a job and his father and that side of the family very much abuse alcohol. They are also very ignorant and racist. My husband already struggles with over drinking. That’s not something I want to raise a family around as they can be verbally abusive when drunk, and you never know what’s going to trigger them. They have no goals nor aspirations in life, and that’s okay, but I do/ we did… I thought. My husbands goal is to retire from the service and go home. I was willing to go close (1-2 hours which he had agreed) to his home because I have a while before I can retire.
He proceeded to talk about how he was miserable with his ex wife and doesn’t want to spend six year with me, like he did with her, thinking marriage was supposed to be an unhappy union. That he stayed with her that long because he didn’t want it to fail; also because she convinced him things would get better. They never did, in fact I believe there was some infidelity on her side. He continued on about nonsense, like how he wants the mirrors in our house to stay but I wanted to change them and he has completely given up on having a say on how to update the house we bought. For the record, I left the mirrros the way he wanted. I picked paint colors I knew he would like.
Next, he mentioned how we had gotten in a fight right before moving and in haste, I told him to leave me there. he considered that we do end it then but we agreed to keep going because even though we struggle with communication, we do love each other and want to continue our marriage as overall we are pretty happy.
He ended the email explaining that he has not been happy for a while, has been struggling and while we work good together, he doesn’t believe we are right for each other. That I need to look within and figure out if I am happy in the relationship. That he doesn’t care about my answer but he is not at all happy.That he will never be able to communicate the way I want and he has made more changes for me, like attend couples counseling and anger management, than he ever would have for anyone else.
There are still a few months left to this deployment. I literally have no idea where that leaves me. I’m hurt as shit. I’m angry. I’m confused and frustrated. Not once on this deployment have I even mentioned splitting. Month two was the first time he mentioned divorce. We got past that hurdle and month three he mentioned that we should consider getting pregnant when he gets back. Then some stupid issue comes up and the cycle of being angry and fine continues. In fact, I all but beg him to not leave me when he has these outbursts. I feel stupid.
He is not one to ask for help. He clearly needs help but I have no idea what to do. It’s clear he doesn’t want anything to do with me.

Edit: Payment PLAN not PLANT jesus christ just bear with me please
I recently entered into a debt settlement/counseling program with a non-profit organization, American Consumer Credit Counseling. I had 4 accounts with about 20k debt across all of them. They helped me settle one account for an amount that I could pay upfront and I had that account closed. Another account I was able to get a better rate on a payment plan myself then what they were able to negotiate so I'm handling that separately. The two creditors that they're actually dealing with are Chase and Discover.
I made my first payment towards this plan they set up at the beginning of this month and they dispersed it to those creditors. Chase accepted the money and closed my card with them. Great! Discover on the other hand sent me a message saying that they had rejected the settlement offer from ACCC but the account has still been closed and they are now offering me options to deal with the debt. I'm going to call my contact with ACCC tomorrow and talk this over with them but in the meantime I wanted to get some help to make sure I understand what I'm being offered here, because frankly it seems like too good of a deal.
At present I have $7,509 dollars owed to Discover. They're giving me two settlement options.
One of them makes sense, a 72 month program where I make payments of 104 dollars at 0.99% APR.
The other is just a 12 month program where I make 12 payments of $113 dollars at 9.99% APR. Doing the basic math that's just $1,356. I'm assuming since this is a payment plan that the interest is already factored into the payments and the debt would be considered settled after those 12 months. but settling at $1,356 on $7,509 seems crazy? Am I thinking about this right or is there some piece to this I'm missing?

In 2012 I found out that my husband was having an affair with his ex ( who he said he left after she cheated on him). He was missing events for the children and finally told me he was leaving me. I told him I was going to counseling and if he wanted to work on the marriage then he should show up. He did. 2 years of counseling and a it seemed to work. Learned a lot about each other's needs. It's now 2024- he says he hasn't cheated since 2012. I learned that the three months he admitted to cheating in 2012 was actually with that ex-since 1994. 2 adult children later and I regret ever having met him. Wht didn't he admit to it in counseling? Do I let it go? Where do I go from here? I'm graduating from law school in 2 weeks and I anticipate a lot of change in my life already.