Sorry I know it's long.
So I (19 F) started doing martial arts almost a year ago. I moved for school and didn't know anyone and needed to get out of my house and there was a dojo only a few minutes away. It seemed like a good idea. I really enjoyed it, I never worked out or anything before and was very overweight so it was also incredibly difficult. I started being happier and actually made some friends there. Now to the point. Being the only female in the BJJ class was another challenge. All of these guys were bigger, stronger, more fit, and more experienced in this fighting style. I knew the coach (36-38 M) offered private lessons that lasted for between thirty minutes to an hour for like $30, so I asked for extra rolls.
If you know even the basics you know BJJ involves a lot of touching and grabbing. I thought his hand placement was weird but I thought I was being dramatic or making something out of nothing so I pushed it to the back of my mind. I didnt pay much attention even though it made me uncomfortable when he grabbed my behind, my upper thighs, my chest, or any other remotely private area. I thought it was normal because I was very new to the sport.
He recently messaged me and had me come to the gym it was a little after regular classes had ended so I thought I forgot something there because it's happened before. When I walked in it was dark, the lights were off, I thought it was weird and had the feeling I should have recorded but I ignored the feeling and didn't which was stupid in hindsight.
I flipped on the gym lights and he was there he asked me to go to the back it's another part that has the striking equipment bags, gloves, ect.. As soon as we got there he flipped the lights back off and my heart spread up and my stomach was in knots. I was panicking, silently of course, because I know this guy is a pro, and could very easily overpower me if he wanted to.
At that point I had pieced things together but I played dumb. He asked if I knew why he called me, I certainly did then, but I said no. He said, "I'm physically attracted to you. I've enjoyed rolling with you when we do it. Let me partake in you." (Yes he used the word "partake") He said this in a very intimidating voice while stepping closer and I immediately began looking for an exit but the only way out was the way I came in. I said, no, and thankfully he took it but he wasn't happy about it. As I tried to leave he stopped me and grabbed my hand and squeezed hard and said, "I hope this doesn't make you uncomfortable coming back here. Have a good night."
I walked to my car and started crying, it was like a wave of releif washed over my body. I know something ten times worse could have easily happened. The next day he put in the gym group chat the he was having a ceremony for his wife, who happens to be his highschool sweetheart, and wants to thank her for everything she's does for the gym. Last week he had the ceremony, gave her flowers, kissed her, and gave a speech about how much he loves and appreciates her and his three daughters. All of this in front of the over twenty people there that day.
I've become more aware of every single movement this man makes. When I went to the striking class the next day, during drills he touched my back, waist, and hair. It made my skin crawl. His wife and children were at the dojo that day, it scares me how bold he is. How is he comfortable doing that when they could easily see him?
I know his wife. I've had several conversations with her. I've helped her with remodeling a studio. I've played with his children. She and his kids adore him. I can't understand why he would throw all of that away. I can't tell his wife because I don't think she'd beleive me and if she did I'd be tearing apart a family. I know and he knows I can't say anything to anyone else because he's a "good Christian man" and always praises and brags on his family and talks about God and Jesus and has known all of these people for years before I came into the picture. To them I'm a newer friend who isn't religious. They'll take his word over mine any day.
He's acting like nothing happened at all. I think he's trying to make me think I'm crazy and to be honest it's working. I've questioned if it actually happened, if anything happened, the only reason I'm sure is because I called my therapist that night damn near having a panic attack. I've thought about switching then change my mind because it's not that bad right? I told my friend that and she knocked me in the head and said I was switching whether I liked it or not and that she would start going with me.
He still keeps messaging me asking me what I'm doing, if I'm coming, if I want private lessons. It scares me because he knows where I work and go to school. He thankfully doesn't know where I live. I just know if he had really wanted to that night he could have easily had his way with me. He still could if I'm not careful. I have a few months until my contract with that gym is up, then I'm going to switch. The next closest one is an hour away, but I guess that's the cost of being a woman....
I'm just mad, and a little sad. I thought this guy was my friend, and now I'm going to lose all of the friends I've made at the dojo so far. I finally found something I enjoy doing with people that i like being around. Now I have to leave and try to get to know new people again. I'm terrible with socializing so this was hard, and I'm going to have to do it all over again.
I just wonder how long he was looking at me like nothing more than a piece of ass. At the same time that thought makes me nauseous. How many times has he done this? Is this the only time? Does he do this to every barely legal aged girl that walks into his gym? Is this why there are only three female members? Does his wife know she married an unfaithful piece of shit? So many questions, and no way to get answers.
I've thought about quitting martial arts all together, wondering if the hour drive every single day is actually worth it when I move gyms. Every time I think about it I feel awful though. I know I can't quite or I'll spiral....I hate this and I'm tired of this...I want to tell my family but I can't. My mother and aunt would cause even more problems for me and I think my great-grandmother would worry herself to death. The only people who know are my four friends outside the gym, my therapist, and now whoever decides this is worth it to read.

My heart breaks for my son tonight. My son is an extremely skilled soccer player. Has been playing competitive soccer for 4 years with the same organization. Is by far the best if not 2nd best kid out there (not just me, as confirmed by his stats and other parents on the team, was the leading scorer for his team last year). His old coaches left the organization (due to some bullshit about the board not letting them join to make more decisions about the team, there has previously been issues with the organization about stealing money, etc). New coaches this year. 3 kids had to be cut from the team. He was 1 of them. No one expected this. We are all gobsmacked. The parents of the kids on the team are all stunned. Some members of the organization have reached out stating they were shocked. We have gotten bullshit standard replies from the coaches about why he didn't make the cut (which are all wrong fyi). I had to tell him. He was sad. How do you tell your kid we don't know why you are cut considering you're better than 1/2 the kids out there? He's committed and has so much heart We found out Friday and I have moments where I just sit and cry. And it's not behavioral or anything like that. I just don't understand.

I am a 19-year-old woman and the younger daughter in my family. For the past four years, I have been passionate about becoming a doctor—not for the money, but for the satisfaction of diagnosing diseases. Even now, without any formal degree, I have a knack for it. My parents separated in December 2021, and I haven't seen my father since. My sister has a history of lying and deceit, while my mother often gaslights me. Both of them experience emotional highs and lows.
Since childhood, I have always been aware of my parents' issues because my mother brings them to us instead of shielding us from them. Since 2016, she has largely relied on me to resolve these issues, effectively making me the "man" of the house. Fights are common in my household, making it feel like a dramatic TV serial.
I attempted the NEET exam in 2022, 2023, and 2024(273, 287 and 350 marks resp.) but the environment at home is not conducive to studying, even though there is an expectation for me to do so. Despite being good at academics, I have struggled to focus on my preparation. I have never even completed the syllabus of 11-12, since mine was a corona batch, schools and tuitions were online, and they were a mess. In 2022, after finishing 12th grade and taking the NEET, I wasn't allowed to take a gap year. That academic year was particularly challenging, with my father leaving and my mother having an accident, requiring me to be involved in everything since my mother doesn't trust my sister.
I enrolled in a B.A. in English because it was what I could get at the time. In 2023, ongoing conflicts and another course, combined with my lack of preparation, caused me to fail the NEET again. I eventually left the arts course, despite managing a 7+ CGPA, because it wasn't a good fit for me. I then enrolled in a B.Sc. in Botany, which also isn't my preferred field, but I managed a 7.8 in the first semester. This year's NEET exam was on a Sunday, but I had to attend a practical exam at college on the preceding Friday. On the morning of NEET, I was asked to find an earring my mother suspected my sister had sold. A fight broke out a week before the NEET, adding to the stress. Consequently, I didn't perform well this year either. I'm mocked for being in 2nd year in 1st year.
I acknowledge that it's partly my fault for not studying properly, but the chaos at home makes it nearly impossible. Additionally, I struggled to balance it with my coursework. I've asked my mother to either let me take a gap year or allow me to go abroad for MBBS. She believes no other parent would permit their child to switch courses so many times and accuses me of taking advantage of her and fooling her. She says I've wasted her money, although my college 1st years involved a fees of 6k and 22k each. AITA?

so my septum piercing is about nine years old. it healed quite fast and has never been painful since then.
however, I got covid for the first time a little over a month ago and my septum has been quite sore since then. I had a lot of sinus issues and nose-blowing during the fact, so I'm sure that exacerbated it. I can't see any swelling or anything, but it's hard to tell since it's up in my nose lol.
has this happened to anyone else? should I be worried? i've made sure my jewelry and my nose are both clean but it still hurts. any particular methods of caring for it you would recommend?
also, in case it's worth mentioning, my jewelry is a stainless steel circular barbel and I have not changed it for a few months (during which time I used a retainer due to a classroom job. before that period I was wearing the same barbel for several years and experienced no problems)
thx!

I wasn't sure if I should ever mention this, or what truly ended up motivating me to talk, but I feel like it could be good to just see other people's perspective. I'm 19 years old an male, I have some of the most truly supportive friends I could ask for who I introduced to each other, and they're started to catch feelings.
One of these people (We can call her C) Is my friend which I met around September 2024. At the time we had a very peculiar friendship, where we had an almost FWB friendship, but we eventually both decided mutually that we rather a genuine deep connection with each other as friends, rather than what we were. This relationship was primarily facilitated by me but of course we always communicated both when we started and when it ended, during this time period, as we were still new friends, I didn't know her too well, and I was catching feelings, but I eventually realized that the person I loved or had feelings for was both an idealized version of her in my head, coupled with the fact that she was the only person meeting any of my needs when I really didn't need/was searching for them, so I got excited. But now, I realize that isn't the case. However, watching her interact with my other best friend is making me jealous, and this is a really long term friend of mine has began to enter a romantic relationship. I've done a lot of reflecting and I believe that I'm jealous of the fact they're entering a relationship that I believe could be really healthy, but I'm also comparing myself to my other friend, questioning my validity and why he's always appeared as so much more attractive and desirable in every way that I'm proud of.
My other friend (We can call him K) has been my friend since early high-school, I can confidently say that I love him platonically and we have a friendship which I cherish with my whole heart. I believe I've always subtly compared myself to him, especially considering my previous crush in high school developed feelings for him, too, though at the time he was in a relationship with another person. My issue is that I'm comparing myself, I feel like, even though I'm truly proud of myself, and I love myself, everything about who I am is superseded by him. He's more attractive, he's funnier, he's prettier, cuter, etc. Again, I do believe I have high self confidence, during high school and early childhood I was exposed to a lot of situations which called upon my to grow and explore myself, and though I realize I'm still young, and have only entered university this year, (which was my dream university!) I'm going through a lot, because I really want a relationship, I feel touch starved, and I crave affection.
My problem is that I feel the crushing weight of comparison, which lowers my self-confidence when I'm around him, and I feel that I will be/am beginning to be left behind. I've never had a relationship, and for a while I haven't desired one too much besides when I come across a girl that I really like, but then I'm rejected, friend-zoned and told I'm like a 'gay best friend' even though I'm a straight cys male. I don't want to be left behind and I certainly want to stop comparing myself to K. I think, this is particularly hard because during high-school I was sociable with so many people, everyone considered my a friend, both men and women, but I never had a friend group or community which I belonged to. I feel that given that, as well as with how many women state they feel comfortable and non-threatened by me, that I should be able to find a relationship, but I never have. Despite this, I was really happy after meeting C, and I introduced her to K. For a while, we had a wonderful friend group where I felt so accepted, and I felt like I belonged. But slowly, I began to feel like I was intruding, I found it difficult to integrate myself into conversations, and more and more I began to feel socially anxious which is new for me. I've always disliked large groups, they're overwhelming and I have autism, but now I don't even have that small group I felt welcomed in.
My feelings are all over the place, I'm so overwhelmed, I don't feel like any of my needs are met and I'm feeling more and more intrinsic + extrinsic pressure to find a relationship. Even my young brother has began to laugh at me for never having a relationship and when I say that I'm happy, he laughs and calls me lonely. I have been feeling more lonely recently, I've been feeling more touch deprived and hunger for affection to the point that I have asthma attacks and sob my eyes out when I ruminate and linger on the thoughts for too long. I've just completed my first semester at university, and I have nothing to do and I'm starting to ruminate more, I'm asking questions that entirely undermine my self worth and I feel that my wants aren't justified. I've tried mentioning this to my friends and they're uncomfortable displaying affection, especially my friend K due to the early nature of our friendship. I can talk to them about how I feel, but I can't ask them to fix it, or for them to be more affectionate. I really, truly feel guilty for feeling this way, why is the only thing that I want them to do the one thing they feel uncomfortable for? why can't I find a relationship? there's so many questions, I don't have answers and this post is only providing my perspective, as well as my feelings, which I realize is dangerous and could create an echo-chamber, but I want to have my story heard, and hope that maybe there are people in this community who can relate to how I feel, or if there is someone that does relate, I hope my vulnerability can help them. But overall, I feel guilty, for so many reasons, I have the most amazing friends, but I feel left behind, I am welcomed individually by them, but I really want a friend group, especially as we all become more busy because of our university degrees.
My perspective until now has been that I'm young, I will meet people, I'm sure of it, and I just want to work on myself, but it's becoming tiring, and I want to find a solution but I can't. I feel lost. If there are people that can help, I'd probably like to know ways that I can cope with this and continue moving forwards because things are becoming hopeless, as well as if anyone wants to provide their own stories so I don't feel so alone.

I met my husband 16 years ago. He was reluctant to introduce me to his family outside his sibling. I met his sibling in an appropriate timing and we hit it off, now BFF. However, he delayed meeting anyone else in his family for as long as he could. I will say close to a year in our relationship, his grandmother needed help. I was at his apartment and he asked me if I would like to meet her. I said sure. He warned me about her. (His parents passed away before we met). I literally met everyone in his life except his direct family. I didn't get it at first 😕, but as time moved on, he was ready for me to meet more family. I began to realize why he kept me away from them. It was a holiday and I didn't realize what I got myself into. I was in love with my bf (now husband) at the time and think it would be that bad. When I saw his grandmother she 1. Talk about my outfit (I had a blazer, scarf, nice pants and a nice plain shirt, nothing revealing). 2. She then asked if her grandson put his hands on me. I was taken back from this because my husband is sweet as a pie. He doesn't even call women out their name when he has conflict. I walked away from her and enjoyed the rest of the evening with extended family that seem pretty cool.
Fast forward, at our wedding his grandmother attempt to sabotage our wedding by trying to be late (his sibling almost left her because grandmother knew the sibling was in our wedding). When she got there, she made fun of my 9 year cousin as the flower girl (fat shame), talked about me to my closet people who told me after the ceremony. Then made a speech that was disrespectful to us. Yet, my husband still kept his cool and enjoyed the even. His uncle was upset that we would not allow him to officiate our wedding and throughout the planning would ask me inappropriate questions about our relationship. After we were married, my husband got sick and was hospitalized. He was reluctant to tell anyone outside of his sibling but he did. Family came to visit. One family member decided it was a good time for a photo shoot (wired😒) but again my sweetie was a trooper up until that family member decided verbal outburst, I wasn't family and that I had to be a niece through blood. The rest of the family called him out for his bs. I let it go.
Fast forward again (it gets worst) at our baby shower his grandmother sits in the back again taking trash. Even hinted if my baby was her grandson (basically calling me a slut). I told the sibling she had to go. She also disregarded her other grandchildren at the shower. One of his family members that attended the wedding help bring our gifts home, only to attempt to convince my husband to allow him to move in. Of course my husband said HELL NAH! After my daughter was born, we did infant photos, only for his grandmother to degrade the photographer and her race. Again kicked her out and paid for a ride home.
(It gets worst) for a long time my husband decided to disengage with his family. His grandmother called and said she was severely sick. Of course, my husband reach out to her children and sibling to band together to support his grandmother. Only to learn she lied. And even made it seem like my husband made it all up to her children. I heard her tell him this. I was pissed. He again cut her off.
Now, his grandmother's health is not the best (non life threatening) her sons are trying to guilt trip my husband in taking the lead. His grandmother has 5 functioning children. My husband refuse to let them meet our daughter and refuse to communicate with them. (They are the most toxic people in the world) My husband is the most loving sweet guy. His sibling is amazing as well. It is so bad but I'm afraid if I list everything it will go on forever. Now relative are reaching out trying make contact, even reaching out to me. I told my husband I support his choice to disconnect and draw boundaries. He has tried to be a family man but constantly got egg in his face.
Now, our daughter is growing up with amazing family that support and love us genuinely. Some of his family believe he is overreacting but I don't. He has been through hell with these people.

Johann Gottlieb Fichte

19 May 1762 – 29 January 1814
J. G. Fichte and a priori Providentialism
Part of a Series on the Philosophy of History
Sunday 19 May 2024 is the 262nd anniversary of the birth of Johann Gottlieb Fichte (19 May 1762 – 29 January 1814), who was born in Rammenau, Saxony, then part of the Holy Roman Empire, on this day in 1762.
Fichte is often remembered in histories of philosophy as an immediate successor to Kant in the German idealist tradition. While still a young man Fichte wrote and anonymously published Attempt at a Critique of All Revelation. This was in 1792 when Fichte was 30 years old. Many believed that Kant had written this work, given Kant’s earlier critiques of pure reason, practical reason, and judgment, so when Kant denied authorship and identified Fichte as the actual author, Fichte experienced the philosophical equivalent of being an overnight sensation.
But Fichte’s life was an unsheltered as Kant’s life was sheltered. He was a born trouble-maker and was willing to touch the third rail of Enlightenment politics by writing and speaking openly about matters of religion, as revealed by his work on revelation. Fichte is sometimes called inflexible and rigid, though we could also say (a little more charitably) that he was principled and not inclined to compromise. Partly as a result of this temperament, Fichte became embroiled in a controversy in German intellectual life remembered as the Atheismusstriet, or Atheism Controversy.
During this controversy Friedrich Jacobi published an open letter against Fichte in which Jacobi coined the term “nihilism” to describe what he took to be Fichte’s position:

“Truly, my dear Fichte, I would not be vexed if you, or anyone else, were to call Chimerism the view I oppose to the Idealism that I chide for Nihilism. I have paraded my not-knowing in all my writings; in my non-knowledge I have prided myself so to be with knowledge, so perfectly and completely, that I am certainly allowed to be contemptuous of the mere doubter.—I have wrestled for truth with zeal and fervour since childhood as few others; as few others have I experienced my powerlessness—and my heart has grown tender for that—yea, very tender, my dear Fichte—and my voice so gentle! Just as I have deep compassion for myself, as human being, so I have it for others. I am patient without effort; but that I am truly patient without effort costs me a lot. The earth will be light above me—it won’t be long.”

Nihilism was to go on to have quite a career as an idea after Jacobi’s letter. While for Jacobi, the nihilism he attributed to Fichte was the inevitable outcome of reason, nihilism did not remain centered on Jacobi’s critique of Kantian philosophy, but came to signify belief in nothing at all.
Fichte’s controversial stance created a problem for the authorities at the University of Jena, where Fichte was employed at the time. Fichte wouldn’t budge, and this was one of the episodes responsible for his reputation for inflexibility, so the University of Jena dismissed him in 1799. At this point, with little to his name and few prospects, Fichte walked from Jena to Berlin—Google Maps says it takes 55 hours to complete this walk—and eventually he became part of the philosophical scene in Berlin.
Fichte attempted, semi-successfully, to support himself with popular books and lectures. For a philosopher coming from a background of Kantian philosophy—the most technical philosophy of its day—this was a bold project, but he gamely attempted to bring his interpretation of Kantianism to the masses. One of the outcomes of this effort was Fichte’s short book The Vocation of Man (1800). Fichte’s academic work was riddled with jargon, but The Vocation of Man is written in plain language and was intended for a popular audience. However, it’s still a demanding philosophical argument. In it, Fichte articulated a conception of human destiny that is universalistic, rationalistic, teleological, and even infinitistic:

“Let us not ask of history if man, on the whole, have yet become purely moral. To a more extended, comprehensive, energetic freedom he has certainly attained; but hitherto it has been an almost necessary result of his position, that this freedom has been applied chiefly to evil purposes. Neither let us ask whether the aesthetic and intellectual culture of the ancient world, concentrated on a few points, may not have excelled in degree that of modern times! It might happen that we should receive a humiliating answer, and that in this respect the human race has not advanced, but rather seemed to retrograde, in its riper years. But let us ask of history at what period the existing culture has been most widely diffused, and distributed among the greatest number of individuals; and we shall doubtless find that from the beginning of history down to our own day, the few light-points of Civilization have spread themselves abroad from their centre, that one individual after another, and one nation after another, has been embraced within their circle, and that this wider outspread of culture is proceeding under our own eyes. And this is the first point to be attained in the endless path on which humanity must advance.”

Notice that Fichte implies a distinction between two kinds of progress: there is progress toward the highest degree of excellence, and here humanity may have backslid, but there is also progress toward broadly distributed high culture, and here Fichte thinks that his time definitely surpassed previous history. Fichte also says that progress, by which he means moral progress, is an endless path, and we have already seen that it is possible for humanity to experience retrograde moral progress, so the pathway to man becoming purely moral, as Fichte sees it, is endless, it can incorporate reversals, and it can be striving to new heights or to wider diffusion.
This and many other passages point to the infinite perfectibility of man, which shows us the extent to which Fichte had imbibed the ideals of the French Revolution—or, we might say, he had imbibed the ideals of the French philosophers who were instrumental in laying the foundations of the French revolution, and were later arguably co-opted by the revolution, as in the case of Condorcet, who wrote this paean to the infinite perfectibility of man while on the run from the revolutionary gendarme. But the infinite perfectibility of man as Fichte imagines it is a teleology with a real history: things can go wrong, we can get sidetracked, we might pursue one form of moral excellence or another, and so on.
And Fichte also transmuted the French concept of the infinite perfectibility of man in the image of German idealism, producing a kind of philosophical spiritualism. Part of this transmutation of ideals came about because of the direction that Fichte saw the French revolution take as it developed. Many philosophers at the time initially supported the ideals of the French Revolution, but came to see it in a different light after the Terror and the Napoleonic Wars. Fichte as well.
Seeking to rally his countrymen after defeats inflicted by Napoleon, Fichte gave a series of public lectures later published as Addresses to the German Nation. This was more than a half century before the unification of Germany as a nation-state. In the twentieth century this work was savaged by George Santayana in his book Egotism in German Philosophy, which I mentioned in my episode on Wars and Rumors of Wars. Santayana called Fichte “an uncompromising puritan” and in Santayana’s fever dream of German expansionism he imagined Fichte as the source of it all:

“…Fichte gives us prophetic glimpses of an idealistic Germany conquering the world. The state does not aim at self-preservation, still less is it concerned to come to the aid of those members of the human family that lag behind the movement of the day. The dominion of unorganised physical force must be abolished by a force obedient to reason and spirit. True life consists in refashioning human relations after a model innate in the mind. The glorious destiny of Germany is to bring forth and establish the world anew. Natural freedom is a disgraceful thing, a mere medley of sensual and intellectual impulses without any principle of order. It is for the Germans to decide whether a providential progress exists by becoming themselves the providence that shall bring progress about, or whether on the contrary every higher thought is folly. If they should fail, history would never blame them, for in that case there would be no more history.”

Many others also have seen Fichte’s work through the lens of the wars of their time, which were the world wars of the twentieth century, rather than through the lens of the wars of Fichte’s time, which were the Napoleonic Wars.
Fichte knew that he was putting his life on the line by publicly speaking out against the French, as he at one time referenced the fate of Johann Philipp Palm. Palm, a book seller, was connected to a pamphlet, Germany in Its Deep Humiliation (Deutschland in seiner tiefsten Erniedrigung), that angered Napoleon. Napoleon ordered his subordinates to try and execute Palm within twenty-four hours. Palm was tried on 26 August 1806 by a French military tribunal, found guilty, and shot within hours of the verdict. Four other book sellers also were tried were not executed. Fichte knew that the same thing could happen to him in publicly speaking out on behalf of the German people. We can see from incidents such as this that Fichte was in the thick of the history of his own time, sometimes riding the wave and sometimes making waves.
Roberta Picardi notes both the derivation and dependence of Fichte’s views from Kant, as well as Fichte’s divergence from Kant:

“Fichte explores the epistemic status and method of history with an aim which is clearly taken from Kant: the purpose of introducing a systematic and scientific method in the infinite field of the empiricism, of which history is a part, together with experimental physics. As we can read in The Characteristics of the Present Age he wants to obtain ‘a sure progress according to rule instead of an uncertain groping in the dark’ from history, i. e., instead of the ‘Herumptappen’ (this is the German word for ‘groping’) that in the second Preface to the Critique of Pure Reason Kant contrasts with the ‘secure path of a science’.”

But the secure path of science isn’t always all that secure, given that there are multiple scientific pathways, and not all pathways lead to the same end. This is the distinction within Fichte’s philosophy of history noted by Angelica Nuzzo:

“Fichte builds his idea of a philosophy of history upon a paradoxical argument. He pushes to the extreme the claim of the bare factual nature of history as a realm of irrational, not-conceptual, and thoroughly contingent reality. Yet he also maintains that philosophical knowledge of history is possible—although neither as deductive, nor conceptual, nor genetic knowledge. Against the fictitious notion of historical Wahrscheinlichkeit (plausibility, probability), Fichte holds on to the notion of ‘historical truth’ and to its ‘logic.’ Despite its radically empirical character, history can be construed a priori.”

Some of the flavor of Fichte’s a priori approach to history can be gained from his primary work on the philosophy of history Characteristics of the Present Age (Der Grundzüge des gegewärtigen Zeitalters, 1806), in which he decomposes history into Five Principal Epochs, based not on historical contingencies, but rather upon human destiny and moral development:

“…we endeavoured to pre-figure the whole Earthly Life of Man by a comprehension of its purpose;— to perceive why our Race had to begin its Existence here, and by this means to describe the whole present Life of humankind:—this is what we wished to do,—it was our first task. There are, according to this view, Five Principal Epochs of Earthly Life, each of which, although taking its rise in the life of the individual, must yet, in order to become an Epoch in the Life of the Race, gradually lay hold of and interpenetrate all Men; and to that end must endure throughout long periods of time, so that the great Whole of Life is spread out into Ages, which sometimes seem to cross, sometimes to run parallel with each other:—1st, The Epoch of the unlimited dominion of Reason as Instinct: —the State of Innocence of the Human Race. 2nd, The Epoch in which Reason as Instinct is changed into an external ruling Authority;—the Age of positive Systems of life and doctrine, which never go back to their ultimate foundations, and hence have no power to convince but on the contrary merely desire to compel, and which demand blind faith and unconditional obedience:—the State of progressive Sin. 3rd, The Epoch of Liberation,—directly from the external ruling Authority—indirectly from the power of Reason as Instinct, and generally from Reason in any form;—the Age of absolute indifference towards all truth, and of entire and unrestrained licentiousness:—the State of completed Sinfulness. 4th, The Epoch of Reason as Knowledge;—the Age in which Truth is looked upon as the highest, and loved before all other things:—the State of progressive Justification. 5th, The Epoch of Reason as Art;—the Age in which Humanity with more sure and unerring hand builds itself up into a fitting image and representative of Reason:—the State of completed Justification and Sanctification. Thus, the whole progress which, upon this view, Humanity makes here below, is only a retrogression to the point on which it stood at first, and has nothing in view save that return to its original condition. But Humanity must make this journey on its own feet; by its own strength it must bring itself back to that state in which it was once before without its own coöperation, and which, for that very purpose, it must first of all leave.”

We can call Fichte’s Five Principal Epochs a “stadial” philosophy of history, since “stadial” refers to stages. In this passage we gain an appreciation of the necessity of the five stages of history as a developmental process that cannot be gotten around: there is no royal road to the end of the history.
In the Second Lecture from Fichte’s Some Lectures Concerning the Scholar’s Vocation, he makes explicit both the a priori developmental history of humanity and the utopian picture of the ultimate end of human development:

“…a very great man has said, life in the state is not one of man’s absolute aims. The state is, instead, only a means for establishing a perfect society, a means which exists only under specific circumstances. Like all those human institutions which are mere means, the state aims at abolishing itself. The goal of all government is to make government superfluous. Though the time has certainly not yet come, nor do I know how many myriads or myriads of myriads of years it may take (here we are not at all concerned with applicability in life, but only with justifying a speculative proposition), there will certainly be a point in the a priori foreordained career of the human species when all civic bonds will become superfluous.”

The editor says in a footnote that the “great man” mentioned was probably an allusion to Kant’s Idea of History from a Cosmopolitan Point of View. We saw in my episode on Kant how Kant saw the teleology of humanity as establishing the perfect civil constitution, though I also speculated that, if we take Kant’s later writings on history in the context of his early pre-critical work on natural history, this Kantian teleology for humanity is nested within a larger cosmological teleology. By my reading, then, Kant is actually the more naturalistic position, while Fichte is the more anthropocentric, and his ideal is a purely spiritual ideal, even an a priori idea. For example, Fichte isn’t in the least interested to even give an estimate of the period of time that will be required for humanity to abolish all government, but he only points out that this is the ultimate end.
Marx also predicted the withering away of the state after communism had been achieved, and Marx, too, emphasized definite stages in human development that would lead to this outcome. With Kant, Fichte, and Marx all predicting the end of formal human governments we might take this prediction as a distinctive feature of a certain class of philosophies of history. Toynbee, too, saw not exactly the end of the state, but the end of universal civilizations, which would cede their place to universal churches, which sounds to me a lot like Kant, Fichte, and Marx anticipating the ultimate abolition of government in a perfect society.
This we can understand as a kind of inverse teleology, in which it is not (or not only) the advent of some future eventuality that is foreseen, but the abolition of some present state-of-affairs in the future as the goal of human development. For Kant, Fichte, Marx, and Toynbee, there is a dual teleological movement, in which some novel state-of-affairs is to unfold, while a present state of affairs is to give way and disappear as the new order comes to replace it. We could call this a stadial philosophy of history, but it is as much a substitutional philosophy of history: one social order is substituted for another; familiar institutions are to be replaced by novel institutions that take their place.
As far as the new institutions are expected to be an improvement over the old, this is also a melioristic philosophy of history. All progressivist philosophies of history are also melioristic, but we can distinguish between gradualistic meliorism, in which iterated reform eventually converges on a perfect society, which could be a finite or an infinitistic process, and stadial meliorism, in which there is a replacement rather than reform of a social order, and this replacement is an improvement.
For a non-stadial, non-teleological philosophy of history, we can turn to Leopold von Ranke, who was critical of Fichte’s five epochs:

“One of the ideas with which philosophy again and again confronts history as an irrefutable claim is that mankind is on an uninterrupted road to progress, in a steady development toward perfection. Fichte, one of the foremost philosophers in this field, assumes five epochs, a world plan as he says – reason ruling through instinct, reason ruling through law, emancipation from the authority of reason, reason as science, and reason as art. If this or a similar scheme were to any extent true, then general history would have to follow the road of progress which the human race followed in the indicated direction from one age to the next. The sole subject matter of history would then be the development of such concepts as they appear and manifest themselves in the world of phenomena. But this is by no means the case. For one thing, the philosophers themselves have extraordinarily varied opinions about the nature and selection of these supposedly ruling ideas. But they very wisely focus only on a few peoples in world history while considering the lives of all the rest as nothing, as a mere supplement. Otherwise it could not be hidden for a moment that from the beginning to this day the peoples of the world have been in the most varied conditions.”

We saw earlier that Fichte by no means argued for an uninterrupted road to progress, but we can set that aside as being of secondary importance. The antagonism between Fichte and Ranke runs deeper. Ranke is often associated with the emergence of historicism, and sometimes he is identified as the source of historicism. Ranke even was willing to express his historicism in theological terms when we said that all ages are equidistant from God. With this view of history as consisting of co-equal periods each with their own integrity it would be difficult, though not impossible, to argue for progress. In Characteristics of the Present Age Fichte rejects the view that an age can be assessed on its own terms:

“Should our view of the Present Age prove to have been a view taken from the standing-point of this Age itself, should the eye which has taken this view have been itself a product of the Age which it has surveyed, then has the Age borne witness to itself and such testimony must be set aside.”

Fichte, then, needs some criterion for his view of the present age other than the present age itself, and he finds it in religion:

“…what has been the nature of this theory, considered in its essential elements, and to what chief department of human thought it has belonged? I answer:—It was a Religious Theory; all our contemplations were Religious contemplations, and our view of things, and the eye which embraced that view, were Religious.”

Fichte goes one better and actually gives a definition of religion in the next paragraph:

“RELIGION consists in regarding and recognising all Earthly Life as a necessary development of the one, original, perfectly good and perfectly blessed Divine Life.”

Both Ranke and Fichte, then, invoke theological sanction for their conception of history, though this conception is starkly different, with Ranke taking each age to be sufficient unto itself, and no less related to the divine than any other age, while Fichte took each age to be dependent upon a larger framework for its meaning. While Ranke the historian insists on the individual uniqueness of each age, while Fichte the philosopher sees each age in relation to the whole of which it is a part. It is the task of Fichte’s Characteristics of the Present Age to provide for his contemporaries this larger framework so that they can understand their place in history, which for Fichte means understanding their place in the moral development of humanity.
Even Fichte’s conception of religion and moral development is strikingly abstract, as we find a little further on in the last chapter of Characteristics of the Present Age: “…Religion is nothing external,—it never clothes itself in any outward manifestation.” And, “…True Religion does not manifest itself outwardly, and does not impel man to any course of external conduct which he would not otherwise have adopted, but that it only completes his true Inward Being and dignity.” This is not necessary an orthodox position, and we’ve already seen how Fichte got himself in trouble with authorities with his views on religion.
It would seem strange to call Fichte’s philosophy of history a providential philosophy of history, as it seems to have little in common with, say, St. Augustine, but by Fichte’s own account, his is a pervasively religious perspective, and his philosophy of history is an account of humanity’s progress toward moral perfection. This progress is a purely inward fulfillment, without any observational consequences, again, by Fichte’s own account. I’ve run into this view in one other thinker, and that is Simone Weil. In my episode on Weil I quoted her criticism of providentialism of a kind that I called vulgar providentialism:

“Divine Providence is not a disturbing influence, an anomaly in the ordering of the world; it is itself the order of the world; or rather it is the regulating principle of this universe. It is eternal Wisdom, unique, spread across the whole universe in a sovereign network of relations.”

I think Fichte would have agreed with this, and with the examples of both Fichte and Weil we can see that there is a place within the conceptual space of philosophy of history for what we could call a pure providential philosophy of history, or, if you like, an a priori providentialism.
Ranke’s criticism of Fichte is predicated upon the necessity of a vulgar providentialism that is reflected in the empirical world. But if, as Fichte said, religion is nothing external, and it does not impel man to any course of external conduct, neither should it impel any course of external conduct on the world. This also resolves the paradoxical argument that Angelica Nuzzo found at the heart of Fichte’s philosophy of history, since the bare factual nature of history can be distinguished from the providentialism that can be construed a priori.

Video Presentation

https://youtu.be/T8eIxZi0LrM
https://www.instagram.com/p/C7LPoSKNdPB/
https://odysee.com/@Geopolicraticus:7/j.-g.-fichte-and-a-priori:6

Podcast Edition

https://spotifyanchor-web.app.link/e/73G2BY64JJb
https://music.amazon.com/podcasts/a31b8276-53cd-4723-b6ad-a39c8faa4572/episodes/306a6446-d4d7-4e24-a447-c89fd310d7a2/today-in-philosophy-of-history-j-g-fichte-and-a-priori-providentialism
https://www.iheart.com/podcast/269-today-in-philosophy-of-his-146507578/episode/j-g-fichte-and-a-priori-177816272/
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I will preface this by saying I am typically an animal lover, and I have a very healthy relationship with my partner that I am content with. I'm hoping to see if anyone can shed some light on the next steps in this situation.
My partner (42 M) and I (24 M) have been together for nearly a year. Our relationship began suddenly and unexpectedly, and has been a wonderful year where we have been mutual, respectful, patient and understanding, and I am incredibly happy with the life we have, and he is too. He went through a hard breakup with his previous partner, where they were civil but very bitter, and had a short dispute over the money from their house. He has been a little down and cranky during this period, but has since come out successful and is improving by the day. I have recently been out of work for several months, and we have been living together for 5 months.
I love many aspects of our relationship, except the dog...
I apologize for the length of this but I've been very stressed about this for a while now, and have had indifference from friends and family about it as they do not seem to understand this is a problem in my daily life.
When I met the dog, he was in love with me. A 3 year old, small pug mix, with A LOT of energy. He is very sweet, and affectionate, however he is fully charged, and not fixed as he was planning to breed his dog with his previous partner's dog. The dog was very affectionate with me when I began visiting my partner at his old house, or when we'd go out together. He'd jump up on me, jittery with excitement, and push into my chest as hard as he could. I thought it was adorable, and I grew to really like his dog, but shortly into visiting, we had a night where my partner and I were having some drinks, dancing, and playing around with his VR headset, and the dog WOULD NOT get out from under our feet. I kept having to physically move the dog, and at one point when I reached down to move him, he yelped. My partner didn't freak out, but I felt really guilty like I'd hurt him, and I think it's only gone downhill since then.
My partner loves his dog, and would never hurt him, but as we live in a large, very busy city with horrifically bad drivers, he gave his dog a swat on the butt when he started running away from the backyard and across streets full of speeding cars.
We moved to a small apartment, and shortly after I was injured at work and began staying home all day while receiving treatment, which is good for nobody, unfortunately. Nearly instantly I began to be annoyed by this dog. He was constantly up on me, at me, around me, sniffing and fidgeting and huffing and puffing as pugs do. He'd follow me everywhere, and slept in our bed. As time went on and we gained some more trust, I began letting him off-leash in the back of the apartment building. He listened well, came back when called, and was rewarded for it with a treat and petting and a "good boy'm" I thought maybe I could deal with it, but then he kept annoying me, all day, all night, fidgeting and on top of my partner and I, to like, ridiculous levels, we're talking molding to the shape of our body and pushing his face hard into our sides, or standing with hard little paws into my stomach or chest until it was just uncomfortable, but wouldn't just lay down, he'd just stand and push, or lean and push, and push, and huff, and move, and push, until eventually I'd have to remove him.
I tried playing around with him, as he loves to wrestle and act tough, and hoped it would relieve some of the tension and energy, but found he's much more sensitive than I thought, and would get upset and sometimes even yelp when I'd chase him and play with him with the ball and caught him. I felt bad, but my partner assured me he's just little and can get spooked when he realizes he can get caught, and I just needed to be more gentle. This frustrated me as he'd paw at me, and push and whine and sook until I'd play, then he'd get rough and play-growling, then suddenly upset and scared that I was being too rough with him.
Then the day came that absolutely ruined us.
I took him out, and let him off the leash as usual, and it was very cold, and very late at night. We'd been doing the off-leash bathroom breaks for well over a month at this point, perhaps even two, and suddenly, he didn't come back. He kept walking, so I came up quickly, but not running, to catch him, and he just absolutely refused to come to me from behind this bush I couldn't get through, no matter what I tried, and then just bolted, around the entire building, into the downtown of a large city at night, and straight for the road. I finally caught him about 6 feet from the road, and I gave him a swat on the butt, like my partner had before, and I felt bad doing so but like, the alternative is he gets crushed to death by a car. He needs to know there are consequences to running off into the city, as my partner had said. He was really upset, and I dragged him back up into the apartment.
He is still anxious around me now, and I'm aware and I feel bad, but the stuff he does just drives me absolutely bat-shit insane, and the rage just boils up inside me whenever I have to deal with his antics, and I wish it didn't, and I wish it would go away, and I don't know how to fix it.
A brief list of what drives me nuts:
Absolutely obsessed with my partner, and will not leave his side. Lays across his whole chest and stomach ALL DAY, non stop, will not at all leave being on him, which admittedly makes me a little jealous because my partner cuddles him easily 10x more than he cuddles me.
Constantly needs to know what we're doing, and if I'm carrying something heavy or trying to hurry, will stand exactly in the middle of a small space and not move until I'm literally tripping over him, and even then won't move until I actually force him to, by literally sliding him across the floor.
Rarely listens to anything I say, doesn't listen when I'm nice, doesn't listen when I'm friendly, doesn't want to cuddle when I want to, begs to go out then won't let me put his harness on, etc.
STINKS, like bad, breath, ass, fur, whatever, he often has a nasty funk on him that makes even the couch stink, and we bathe him and it only works for a day or two.
When we walk him, or take him for a pee, he will absolutely not just pee, he has to sniff, and huff, and sniff, and grunt, and search, and what he's looking for is female dog piss, which he then licks up, rubs all over his teeth, pants, and then gets a boner while slurping female dog pee off his tongue, and physically pulls against us when we try to make him stop.
Etc.
He's a very sweet dog, with a good heart, and my partner loves him with his whole heart. Probably even more than he loves me, and that's okay, i would never expect otherwise or want him to get rid of his dog, but I am literally in inner-turmoil over this. It's a known fact the dog and I don't really get along. We both don't trust one another, and it's rare we cuddle anymore together. I take care of his needs, and care about him because he's an animal, but I just frankly cannot enjoy any time with the dog anymore.
I feel guilty, and shitty, because the dog is genuinely excited to see me when I come home from being our for a day or a short trip, he cuddles and wants our company, and wouldn't hurt a fly, and I want to like him, not only for my sake but for his and my partner's, but literally every day I'm with him, I feel it more and more strained, and I feel more and more annoyed.
My partner and I have had an open dialog about this, but haven't found a solution.
If you stuck around this long, please give me some advice, I'm really trying to make this work, and I know I'm part of the problem, but I just really want to fix this and don't know how.
Thank you.

Hello fellow neurodivergents! I am 22M and I have been thinking about moving out of my parents house for a while now, but I am terrified that I wouldn't be able to function without supports. I have level one autism and mainly struggle with mental health disorders such as anxiety and OCD. I am doing well though as I have my driver's license, my own car, I work full-time, I have my high school diploma and very supportive parents. My goal is to move out at around 25 years old, however I am flexible with the whole timeline thing because my thinking can be very rigid at times.
I know that the economy isn't great right now, especially where I am in Ontario, Canada so I only plan on renting a room or something or have roommates which is another thing I am worried about. As of right now, I am working on cooking/cleaning for myself and making meals for myself.
What should I do to start becoming more independent? Also to anyone in this sub who has moved out, how did you feel when it actually happened? Any advice would be appreciated!
Much love my friends!

Yes I'm dumb. I have no license. I am here to get information that I hope will make this process easier. I don't know where to turn. I am on the spectrum and have issues with sentence structure..words.. so forgive me of that as well. My house is going to a tax sale in June. It is in the heart of downtown Knoxville TN. The market is all over the place, but it's booming. My house was a fixer upper when I bought it. It needs a new roof, windows, and siding..among other things, but it's structural sound and habitable. I've lived well here over a decade. I've been offered 140k, from one investor. My home is in a rezoning area close to a new stadium they're building. However I believe I can get more, and need to..gotta live somewhere and I have a one year old now whom is my everything. Is there a platform where I can contact multiple investors? I've spoken to several realtors, but would a mortgage broker be better? And if so what is a fair commission percentage if marketing isn't much of a concern? Also if my property was assessed incorrectly, it's assessed as a four bedroom two bath, which it's a three bed, one tiny AF bath, would I be able to postpone the sale to have it reevaluated correctly? The county consultant has refused to work with me any. It just seems like he benefits from my default. The liens have changed multiple times the past two months. I had several thousand dollars in fines from codes until I spoke with them directly. It definitely didn't make sense to charge 6k to mow my front lawn one time. As soon as that was edited, however, here comes another lien for the one time I had to go to the ER (outside of my pregnancy). Years ago. Whatever it's legal. Again it seems unfair to be forced to pay an amount that isn't accurate. I know it's my responsibility to pay taxes, I know it's my fault, I just don't know how to keep from losing everything or the best course of action to prevent that. Trust me the years have not been Kind. Life's really given it to me. I need to sell, but I need more time, and if I don't have it how, who, what, when, where? Any advice. Many questions. Sorry. Pls don't hurt my feelings. I'm sorry.

Hi all - Fresh widow here. My husband (41 years old, I’m 36) of almost 10 years passed away suddenly and unexpectedly on April 3rd from a sudden cardiac arrest. He had an underlying genetic heart condition (hypertrophic cardiomyopathy) that was diagnosed in 2020 but he decided to not seek further diagnosis on it to see what treatment was best. The first cardiologist he saw told him he wouldn’t die of the condition and would live a long life. I think this gave my husband a false hope and made him think it wasn’t that serious. He also was very strong willed and if he thought he was okay then he was okay in his mind (he even told family and friends it was just anxiety - I knew it wasn’t but even if I tried pushing him to check it out he would have become anxious or angry about it).
Other than his heart condition my husband was in great health - perfect weight, ate healthy foods and drank a lot of water, was active. His only vice was smoking cigarettes but he didn’t even do that too much. I think him dying at the time he did was due to dehydration (he was fasting for ramadan) and he took otc cold medicine (not great for those with heart conditions) because he thought he had a cold coming on. He has done both of these things over the years but never at the same time.
Anywho enough back story. I have been a wreck ever since he passed (no surprise). So many emotions. I’m so angry he didn’t take his health seriously and that ultimately sealed his fate. I’m sad and angry he left my daughter and I so young. Our daughter only just turned two and he wanted her so bad (I was the one who made us hold off on getting pregnant for years). She was supposed to have so many years with her daddy. It’s the thing that makes me cry the most. Thinking of the loss of that relationship is so crushing. Our daughter was born in 2022 a couple years after his heart condition diagnosis- I don’t know why he didn’t think to go back to the cardiologist at that time to see if he was okay to do nothing or needed to seek some form of treatment. He also didn’t leave us in a very good financial situation but luckily my parents are able to help us for now.
Another emotion that hits me a lot is resentment. My husband and I fought a lot over the years - it was usually stupid stuff but he would often get very upset with me and the fights were hard to stop. It took a toll on my feelings for him even though I loved him so much. I always thought we would be able to get to a better place but now with him dead I have no closure on that.
I’m seeing a grief counselor once a week and it feels great when i’m talking with her but afterwards I feel so low unless I’m highly distracted. It really sucks and I hate feeling this way. I was already in a sad place before he passed but now it’s even more sad.
I want happiness for my daughter and I. I just want a simple happy life. It’s all I ever wanted. I know it’s super early in the grieving process but I hope there is happiness on the horizon for my daughter and I in the near future.

Back at the end of March my Ex wife finally moved out and we've been doing one week on, one week off for Parental time.
Unfortunately where she is living currently she shares a bedroom with our 6 year old son and has been co-sleeping with him. This Unfortunately causes a problem when he comes to my place where he has his own room, bed etc.
Consistently waking up, crying for snuggles because he apparently can't sleep without someone in the bed with him, having daytime sleepiness, falling asleep in school, taking hours to fall asleep and so on.
I need advice on what I can do and how to address this.
Thanks.

I (33f) and my husband (34m) have been in a commitment and solid relationship since we were 18.
If you need background on our relationship read this or skip ahead:
Background: We met online in a game in two separate states. We moved in together in his state and got married in court during lockdown in 2021. Neither of us are close with our families because of their extremely conservative and religious convictions. I am romantically attracted to women more than sexually which I confessed to my husband at a later time in our relationship. I didn’t have and don’t have any interest in other women since we met. I later shared with him my spiritual beliefs and practices as a witch that I suppressed since I was caught by my mother as a teenager. I was shammed a lot for being me growing up. I grew up in a very emotionally unstable home. I also did not receive the supports I needed as a child with adhd and autism that developed anxiety and depression. There is a lot behind that but it is what it is at this point. This being said, my dad also has adhd and mental illnesses that he would display with subtle to full outbursts of anger and my mom unresolved childhood neglect and bullying and what I believe to be some form(s) of intellectual deficits which severely affected her self esteem and her almost unhealthy strong attachment to me. So I grew up to be a clusterfuck of mental, emotional, developmental and spiritual instability. I was also bullied and suffered betrayals from friendships because of various factors often due to my neurodivergent behaviors. So as to be expected, I 100% formed an anxious attachment style. Please look it up so you are familiar with this. It’s a big part of the conundrum I’m in.
(DISCLAIMER: I’m not into the evil fuckery type magic btw… I’m the kind of witch that practices moon magic with lots of love, light and blessings n all that shit - yes I’m in a pissy mood from all of this so you’ll be getting that sort of spice throughout). .
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If you skipped ahead it starts here:
My husband had slowly loosened up on his own strict conservative programming since he started seeing me become happier and more secure in myself since I started practicing my personal spirituality again and dropping my “mask” more often and being that weird quirky neurodivergent girl more openly and working so hard on myself to overcome my childhood traumas and the shame that stifled my authentic self. And that was great! Until it wasn’t for me in our monogamous relationship.
He guilted me (unintentionally) into having a threesome 2x with a woman who we ended up having a sort of friendship afterword but I was always very mentally off put by it but faked being ok for a while. After each of the 2x weeks apart, I became very emotionally numb to my husband. Like my heart literally froze and I was feeling almost like a cold-hearted bitch, even telling my husband I wanted a divorce. Mind you, he was in a bad mental state at this time in which I didn’t really know because he never truly expressed his actual emotions much. I found out later that he had been feeling pretty severe distress from his mom who has been making horrible mistakes and acting like a spoiled child begging him for money and complaining to him about her constant fights with her sister who was like a second mom to him in which he kept being placed in the center. I have my own traumas from her due to a psychiatric break she had which was slowly building that we weren’t aware of until she snapped fully disconnecting from reality and the entire time I was the center of her hostilities, likely because I was taking her baby boy from her - if you’re Hispanic, you understand this atrocity I was committing 🙄. My poor husband was under her thumb to the point he was completely sheltered and dependent on her - as a full grown man in his 20s until I literally helped him become an independent man in thought and lifestyle. So imagine that stress being in the middle and then having me add in to that with my constant complaining and irritation with his mom’s bs affecting us constantly in one way or another.
And then ADD TO THAT he was suffering severe caregiver burnout because I’ve been chronically ill since we met and still in that stage where all my doctors were telling me I was just anxious so they didn’t have to actually do their due diligence, which was then exacerbated significantly after I was in a car accident and they couldn’t figure out was was wrong for almost 2-3 years until I got the right care and back on my feet- kind of. I have been off and on disability - including a SI attempt last March - for about 6 yrs now. So my husband has been my main support for almost 12-13 years of our relationship. I obviously am not close to my parents (and because my dads a money hungry idiot I was always moving around California for his next big promotion which separated me at 7yrs old from my then 22yr old sister and her 2yr old daughter).
When he finally broke down and told me, we had a long and difficult talk with so many tears and a bit step toward healing ourselves individually and as partners. Don’t get me wrong, we had our fair share of misunderstandings and issues but we always came together stronger and closer. I thought before this significant issue that I had the most wonderful and strong marriage in the world. I mean, not only was he still there, but he helped me get back up every time I wanted to give up which allowed me so much success and the ability to purchase our 2nd home by the time we were 32yrs old. The 1st house we had to sell because of the accident and we hit rock bottom, and then we got this one a year ago and almost lost it again due to my health.
We worked to a point where we were happy again. Like the kids who met and fell in love 15yrs ago. We just had the PERFECT date day (we had 6 separate exciting things packed into that day). At the end of the night we walked around the lake by our house and sat down on a bench overlooking the water when after some time snuggling and laughing and talking about our day…. He confessed something major to me. Something that has made me feel that slipping of warmth in my heart for him once again.
He brought up the poly thing again. But this time, he said after much research and soul searching, he identifies as polyamorous. I asked him if he meant he wanted just flings or something with other people or if he meant… romantic relationships as well. With sadness in his voice he confirmed. He wanted a romantic relationship outside of me. This is why he hadn’t been wearing his wedding ring in a long time. It started during to his skin condition on his hand but when it healed he lied and said it bothers his hand whenever I’d ask after that.
I know he will always keep me as the permanent primary partner I guess they call it, but I just can’t get over this intense sense of anger, jealousy, fear of abandonment. Remember that anxious-attachment style? Well this is the WORST NIGHTNARE for someone with that type of attachment.
It feels almost like he punched me square in the chest with all his strength and this boy has some serious biceps. I love him so much and as much as I want to tell him no, that I am his wife and I will be the only one because HE is MY husband, that would lead to that awful resentment we both held for what felt like ages. You know that saying? If you love them, let them go? That’s how I feel. He has made it so clear he will always be at my side and that his love for me is everything. But he can’t deny who he is and I can’t rip that part out of him and burn it until not even ashes remain.
I know he would be a complete and utter mess if I divorced him, but I feel so devastated. He has done so much research and I asked him to give me the resources he said he’d collected for me to understand him and what this whole polyamory thing is. I love this man with all of my being. He’s my soulmate. Or I guess… was.
I don’t want to feel this way but I don’t know how I’m going to get over this right now. We talked about couples counseling but my heart and anxiety want to just throw in the towel to avoid any more pain.
****I’m so sorry for the long and possibly over encumbered post…
But, AITA for wanting to shut down and kick my loving husband to the curb? ****
Any advice for this anxiously attached, autistic wife married to a monogamous and now polygamous husband would be so appreciated.
Edit: he only wants to see a partner WE BOTH are into. But I want to punch the shit out of every imaginary man or woman who would dare steal any millisecond of my man’s affection.

(Just skip to the last paragraph if you don’t want to read this all.) I just turned 19. My life has been a series of unfortunate events and mistakes, with some very amazing memories/ events mixed in. I grew up in a highly dysfunctional large family, it’s complicated because some weeks were perfect, my parents were awesome sometimes, others it was really rough. My mom displays highly narcissistic tendencies and was mentally abusive when I was a kid. My Dad is a amazing father, but he got into a rodeo accident when he was 18 and snapped his back in half, a saddle bronc horse landed on him and folded him backwards like paper. He’s not paralyzed but has a huge 4ft metal pipe in his back basically holding his spine together, so he has extreme back pain and many many other issues from the accident. So for 4 years from when I was 13-16 he drank alcohol almost constantly and consecutively. He was never mean, physically or verbally abusive, he would just get drunk and pass out in a chair. I remember one time he cut his throat open on a sink trying to install it while he was drunk. Another time I remember having to carry him out to my moms car when I was 14, he was so drunk he had to go to the ER. He also would lie about drinking so we had no idea if he overdosed on pain meds for his back or got drunk. My mom would take me around to mental centers, get me meds, take me to behavioral institutions, and drag me to counselors of hers to basically validate her as being right. Now growing up in a household like this, I obviously did have anger issues and it was a attempt to get attention and love, which never worked and made things worse. So I sucked it up, fixed myself, and got mentally tough as a mf. School was somewhat difficult for me but it was a break from the bullshit. I applied myself to my high school’s marksmanship team and became the best shooter on the team, and my team was best in my state, and best on the west side of America. We got to go to the 2022 National championships and placed 13th out of 1,000 teams, but we shot bad that day, we easily could’ve won it, we weren’t used to the targets they used. I got into smoking weed with my best friend almost every day when I was 16 but quit when I was 17, it wasn’t who I wanted to be.
I went online school when I was 17 and combined my junior and senior years into one year, and graduated early. I would’ve just been graduating high school right now, at 19, if I didn’t do that. I didn’t want to do that so I did what I needed to graduate at 18 years old.
Since I was 15 years I basically have believed that my destiny was to join the military and become a Navy SEAL, and reach a highly elite level within that community. Now I’m 19, and highly disappointed with my life, I don’t know how I got here. I struggle with a extreme degree of apathy, I’m burnt out. I struggle to get out of bed before 2pm, I go to bed at 2 AM-4 AM usually. I’m unable to get a vehicle for job, because my mom refuses to help and my Dad try’s his best but doesn’t have much money because my mom divorced him. He’s self employed and I work with him when I can. Like, I can stick to a routine, I can get up at 6 am when I want to. For the last 6 months I’ve took a cold shower every night, so I can be disciplined, I’m just discouraged about life. I don’t believe becoming a Navy SEAL is possible or realistic now, there’s a lot more to it that I’m not sharing, but I will say I simply do not have the energy to go to the gym everyday or get in shape. Hell, I don’t even have a car, or job. I have no idea what I’m going to do for my career if I don’t become a SEAL.
Lately, I’ve thought about shooting myself to end this all, it’s not a problem if I’m not in the equation. I vividly imagine it, I imagine feeling the barrel on the roof of my mouth, I imagine how my skull would shatter and what the “cleanest” way to do it would be. I’ve thought about laying a towel down under my head so I don’t ruin the carpet, I’ve tried to find a way to shoot myself in the head so I don’t ruin the ceiling. We also live in the state with the highest suicide rate in the country. I imagine my family finding me and my Dad’s pain, because suicide runs in our family, his Dad (my Grandpa) hung himself, his Mom’s sisters and brothers have killed themselves, his cousin, his aunt, shit I don’t want to add to his pain. This is what keeps me from doing it, I’m not selfish, I’m selfless, I can’t be responsible for causing my family more pain, and a part of me still believes I could become a SEAL too. If I didn’t have family I might’ve done it already. Hell, typing this out I realize my reason/ motivation to become a SEAL could be to spare my family from that pain. I don’t know, I’m just over it.

I am STILL NOT the Original Poster. That is still . She posted in and .
You can read the previous BORU's here and here. New Update marked with ****\* Thanks to u/Choice_Evidence1983 and u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for letting me know!
Trigger Warning: brief mention of murder
Mood Spoiler: happy ending
Original Post: April 16, 2023
Throwaway because I have in-laws on Reddit.
Myself (25F) and my fiancé (27M) have a 2 month old son. We are overjoyed at being parents, but most of my in-laws are refusing to even see our baby because of a decision we made concerning his name.
My in-laws have a tradition of giving the first-born son of every generation the same name. Let's say it's "Peter". This has been going on for about seven generations already, and they're very serious about it. My fiancé's eldest cousin was the latest person to get named Peter. Every one of his cousins has only had daughters so far, so our baby is the first son of his generation, and consequently should get the name.
I have no problem with the name Peter, and would've been okay with naming my son that. Unfortunately, that was also the name of my uncle, who died before I was born. I won't get into details, but it was tragic and traumatizing for my family. My father never got over losing his younger brother.
My grandmother asked the family not to name any of our future children Peter during her lifetime. My MIL and FIL knew about this promise, and at first seemed to not only be okay with us avoiding the name Peter, but also supportive of the one we chose.
However, my grandmother sadly passed away when I was 7 months pregnant. We traveled for her funeral. On our last days there, my in-laws called to offer me their condolences. Then my MIL asked me if I was willing to "think about the name Peter now."
Suddenly, they were insistent that the name we chose was awful and we had to honor their tradition. According to them, they had only agreed to make an exception for us for my grandmother's sake, and had no obligation to keep it now that she had passed.
My family agrees that while it's true we don't have to avoid the name anymore, it still doesn't feel right to use it. My fiancé agrees with me as well, but his parents spent the last weeks of my pregnancy trying to convince us to change our minds about the name.
When our baby was born and we named him what we wanted, my in-laws were furious that we had broken a 7-generation-old family tradition. Some of them hadn't previously wanted to name their sons Peter, but did it anyway for the family's sake. They said our decision was selfish, and that my family "should have moved on by now."
This has truly nothing to do with whether my family has moved on or not, it just felt like a betrayal to my grandmother and uncle's memories to even consider using the name.
My FIL offered us $1000 to change our son's name to Peter after he was born. That was two months ago, and neither of my fiancé's parents have met the baby or seen us since I was pregnant. Most of my in-laws are on their side, and this is causing a huge rift between my fiancé and his family. He assures me he's fine, but I'm starting to feel really guilty about this.
AITA?
EDIT: The tradition started, as far as I know, when OG Peter died and his son, also named Peter, named his firstborn after his father. Peter III ended up having the first son of the following generation, and did the same thing. That one died before having children, so his sister gave the name to her son, and so on. The name “Peter” is very common in my country, so none of them ever got bullied over it, and the fact that it was also my uncle’s name isn’t as unlikely as one might think.
Also, middle names aren’t used in my country. Most people get the maternal surname before the paternal one instead.
EDIT 2: It wasn't 1000 dollars. Different country, different currency. It's still a lot of money, but would probably translate to about 200 USD.
Relevant Comments:
Can you use Peter as a middle name?"
Our country/culture doesn't generally use middle names. If we did, I'd be willing to think about that, even though my son's name doesn't match "Peter"."
How many Peters are alive right now in your family???"
There are 3 living "Peters" in the family right now. Only the eldest (my fiancé's great uncle) actually goes by Peter. The other two have nicknames ("Pete", "Petey", etc)."
OOP is voted NTA
Update Post: May 24, 2023 (a bit over 1 month later)
(OOP's post was removed from AITA, and reposted on her profile. I'm using the date of the AITA post. Comments are also from AITA)
I posted this on AITA, but it got removed about an hour ago because I mentioned a violent encounter on an edit. I tried editing it out and getting it back up, but it didn't work. I'm posting here in case anyone still wants to read it.
Original
Thank you so much to everyone who commented and offered support. A lot has happened since I posted, so I thought I'd give you an update.
About a week after my post, my fiancé's parents contacted us. They apologized for their behavior, and begged to meet my son. They said they were ready to leave the naming debacle behind and truly wanted to be involved in their grandson's life.
We were skeptical, but invited them over to meet the baby. The visit went well. They began coming over almost every day during the next three weeks. I noticed neither of them ever called my son by his name, but I didn't point it out. For the first time in months, things seemed good between my fiancé and his parents.
One day, my fiancé was helping my FIL with something at our place, so my MIL and I went to the park with my baby. Some time later, I had to go to the bathroom, so I left him in the stroller with her.
When I got back, she was sitting on a park bench, chatting with a woman who was cooing over my son. I went over there and introduced myself as "(son's name)'s mom", and she said, "I thought his name was Peter."
I didn't say a word, and neither did my MIL. She followed me to the car and we went back to my apartment. On the way there, I texted my fiancé about what had happened. The moment we got there, he kicked both his parents out of our place.
He'd read my texts and confronted his father. Thankfully, my FIL is a terrible liar, and confessed immediately. Apparently, both my in-laws ONLY call my son Peter. That includes whenever they're talking about him, every time they introduce him to someone else, and even baby-talking to him on the few occasions they were left alone with him. Neither of them are embarrassed by this, and they both think they're in the right.
We're heartbroken. Especially my fiancé. Not only because his parents can't let go of their pride, but also because the name we chose for our son means a lot to us both.
I blame myself for encouraging my fiancé to allow them near our son. I was raised in a different city than all my grandparents, and always wished they could have been more involved in my life. Losing my grandmother didn't help. Pretty much every doubt I had only existed because I thought it would be important for my son to grow up with all of his grandparents around.
But now, all my guilt is gone. If they can't respect my son enough to call him by his name, they don't deserve to be in his life.
I hope they enjoyed the three weeks they had with their grandson. Because that's all they're getting until they get their heads out of their asses.
EDIT: I thought I'd clarify some things. First of all, I'm not comfortable sharing my son's name here, but I promise it's not a "yooneek" name or anything like that. It's perfectly normal and popular-ish in our country.
Secondly, I mentioned this in the comments, but while my family didn't try to dictate me on my son's name, they would never be comfortable with it. My uncle Peter passed almost three decades ago, but it forever changed everyone who knew him. My grandmother's wish might seem a bit irrational, but it was motivated entirely by grief and it didn't seem right to disrespect that just because she's not around anymore.
And to whoever PM'd me that my fiancé's only on my side to keep the peace, he didn't want to use the name either. Months before I got pregnant, he told me he hoped one of his cousins would have a son before we did, because he always hated the tradition and sympathized with my family. He's just as angry at his parents as I am, if not more. Also, most of his cousins and some other relatives have come around and apologized.
Relevant Comments:
Are they this unhinged in other areas of your life too?"
According to my fiancé, they've always been a little entitled, but I never really saw them enough to be able to say that. I will say that, though they were polite, they very clearly didn't care about me until we moved in together. My MIL pretended not to remember my name every time she saw me, and my FIL would lose interest in any conversations that weren't about him. Once it was clear me and my fiancé were in for long term, they started acting a lot more friendly towards me, but it never seemed sincere."
Have other family members come around yet?"
Most of my fiancé's cousins have come around, and his brother was always on our side. His grandmother and some of his aunts and uncles are with us too. His grandfather (divorced from his grandmother), two out of three living Peters (the two oldest) and pretty much everyone else are either still mad at us or haven't reached out to talk about it yet.
My entire family is on my side. They promised not to interfere in the naming process, but are relieved we didn't name him Peter."
One more note on the $1000 offered in the first post:
"And that's $1000 in MY country's currency. It roughly translates to $200USD." (note- OOP clarifies in a comment that she is Brazilian)
OOP drops this horrible bombshell about her uncle, the one who died before she was born:
"My uncle was murdered. My grandmother's request was motivated by trauma."
"Again; my family would be mostly fine with naming my son Peter. My dad and my aunt might have been uncomfortable, and my grandmother asked us all not to do so, but I wouldn't have been disowned if I had. It simply felt disrespectful, especially since my grandmother passed shortly before my son was born.
My uncle's death was traumatic for my family, but the name Peter is hugely common in my country."
Update Post 2: July 28, 2023 (3 months from first post)
My son is now 5 months old (almost six!). We're still NC with my fiancé's parents, who haven't seen us since May. We've both blocked them everywhere. His relatives who were on our side still are, and most of the ones who weren't haven't come around. If anything, they're even more pissed now.
I remember someone suggesting that my fiancé's family might stop using the name after we decided not to. Well, you were right. Last week, one of my fiancé's cousins announced she was pregnant with a boy. She included her baby's name in the announcement, and it's not Peter.
What followed was a string of aggressive Instagram DMs from both MIL and FIL. They both created accounts for the sole purpose of contacting me. I didn't see them until two days later. They sent me almost an hour worth of voice messages about how I'd "ruined their family".
They wish their son had never met me, that he'd see me for "who I truly am", and that I'd never gotten pregnant. Many of the messages ended with "I hope you're happy now", as if they thought they were getting the last word, only to think of something else they wanted to say. There was name calling, an accusation of me cheating, and the persistent refusal to refer to my son as their grandchild.
My fiancé and I listened to the messages together. He hadn't gotten any. As much as I tried to distance myself, I was in tears by the time it was all done. I still don't regret anything, specially after the stunt they pulled back in May, but I'm not completely free of the guilt yet. Not to mention their complete disregard for their grandson. I was already having an overwhelming week, and this just seemed like the final straw.
I must have spent close to an hour sobbing in my fiancé's arms. Once I was calmer, he unblocked his parents just to scream at them for a while. I only heard his side of the conversation, but it was more than enough. He finished the call by saying he didn't want to hear from them again.
We had a long talk afterwards. My fiancé opened up about the emotional blackmail by his family before and after my pregnancy. My in-laws were close to threatening him with anything they could if we didn't name our son Peter. I told him about my guilt, and how awful I feel for putting him through this. We reassured each other, cried a bit more, and had a mostly pleasant evening with our baby.
We contacted his cousin. The family is giving her shit for breaking the tradition again. They're being way less aggressive though, and I think many of my in-laws are finally learning to let go. We're not expecting any apologies anytime soon, but we'll be glad if they come.
Our wedding will be in September 2024, and whoever doesn't give us a sincere apology until then is uninvited. My fiancé's parents are banned either way. We came to that decision together.
Also, I'd like to address some comments on my previous update about how I was "letting my family's trauma win", or how the name wouldn't be hurtful now that my grandmother has passed.
I can't stress enough the damage my uncle's death caused. He was only 30 years old. He had a fiancée, a great career and his whole life ahead of him. I don't know many details about what happened, because I didn't want to upset my family by asking. My grandmother wasn't the only person hurt by this, my entire paternal family was. And if I remember correctly, the person responsible isn't even in jail anymore. It was more than 20 years ago, but the wound never truly closed.
So yeah, I think it's safe to say the tradition is over. The next Not-Peter will be here in January, right before my son's first birthday. It was never my intention for this to turn into such a shitstorm, but I'm so incredibly proud of my little family.
Thank you so much to everyone who shared their stories and offered advice during these last few months. I'll be forever grateful for all the support I got from y'all.
*****New Update Post: May 13, 2024 (13 months from OG post, about 10 from last post)****\*
Hey everyone, it's been a while. I hope you guys had a great Mother's Day!
I remember that last year, I promised myself I'd write a final update as soon as I felt calmer or felt the situation was closer to being solved. That actually happened months ago, but I've been busy lately.
Following my previous update, my fiancé's side of the family remained upset about the tradition being over for a few more months. They were way less intense about it, specially with the pregnant cousin I mentioned, but it was still evident.
That cousin's Not-Peter (almost a year later, I still can't think of a better term) was born in January. Our son turned one the next month. I think the fact that these two things happened so close together helped many of my in-laws let go of the tradition.
We got a few apologies we weren't expecting. Some of them were sincere enough that we slowly started reestablishing contact.
My fiancé's parents were not among those who apologized. We haven't spoken to either of them since last July. From what I've heard from some of his other relatives, however, MIL seems regretful. She has told some of them that she wishes she could be part of her grandson's life, and wonders if making his name a hill to die on was a bad decision. FIL, from what I gather, barely acknowledges my baby exists.
My fiancé knows about how his mother feels, but he says he doesn't care. And even if we did get an apology, I don't think either of us can forgive his parents. As much as we're mostly okay now, it sometimes feels like their treatment of our family ruined the first few months of our baby's life. I know that's not actually true, but I don't want them around my child.
Besides all that, things have been great. My son is 15 months old now, which I don't think I'll ever really get used to. He recently started drawing and has been expanding his vocabulary. He said "mamãe" first, by the way.
My fiancé and I are still getting married in September. We're thinking about moving abroad in a couple years (for work reasons), but we're not sure yet. We also recently got a dog (sadly, we didn't name him Peter).
This will be my final update. Whatever guilt I had about this situation a year ago is completely gone, and my life has been peaceful enough that it feels safe to say the shitshow is over.
Hugo, if you ever find this, you are the most fantastic thing that has ever happened to us. Thank you for letting me be your mom.
Thank you, Reddit, for all the love, advice and support you've given me this past year.
Relevant Comment:
Commenter: Whilst this may be your final update on the naming sage, you said you are getting married in September 2024 and MiL&FiL aren't going to be invited.
Prepare for more craziness from them at that time and good luck :)

OOP: I really do think this is over. My fiancé's parents don't know when or where we're getting married, so I'm not worried about them showing up. They haven't reached out to us in months, and we have no interest in contacting them.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/MentalPlatypus5193 posting in amiwrong
Concluded as per OOP
1 update - Medium
Thanks to u/colorsofautomn for finding this BORU
Original - 28th April 2024
Update1 - 10th May 2024
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1 New Update
Update2 - - 18th May 2024
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My son [19M] filed harassment charges against me and my husband because we were making him go to college
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Me and my son moved to US last year. I was a single mom for 16 yrs before I met and then married my husband. I saved up money so he can go to college. Where I came from, college is very important. We moved to a small town and my son found new friends. These friends in my opinion were not a good influence. I am used to polite and academically oriented kids back home. These new friends of his make fun of his books and his plans of going to college.
Before his HS graduation, me and my husband took him to several unis in the state so he could get a feel for which one he would like to go to. Then after he graduated from HS, I told him I have about $20k saved up for college. He said it is not going to fit because tuition is pretty expensive nowadays. I suggested he can just go to a community college 20 mins away and live at home to save money. He agreed and I gave him access to the fund (joint account).
Long story short, he did not enroll himself and instead started partying a lot and used the money on expensive dates with his gf. He moved out and stopped talking to me. I worked hard to save that up for more than a decade and I am upset that he wasted it in less than a year. Me and my husband went to his place and asked that he pay me back since it is specifically for college and not "fun money".
He called the police and filed harassment charges. I told the police to review the cctv footage because the whole time I was talking to him through his ring cam, I was calm and reasonable and my husband was just standing behind me not saying anything. I was outside the door talking, he never even opened the door to talk to me face to face. The police said there's nothing he can do if my son and his gf felt "harassed", he can file a restraining order if he wants to.
Back home, this is unforgivable to treat your parent like this. But here in US, I was treated almost like a criminal. My sister in law said it is my fault for confronting him and that the money is his to spend since I made him a joint account owner. Am I wrong?
Edit: People cursing me because I said something about wanting to throw my chancla on my son's face, to be clear I have never laid my hands or my flip flops on him ever. But after what he did, my intrusive thoughts wants me to throw it but of course I won't. If he called the cops on me just because I want to talk to him, what more if I threw my flip flops on his face??
His relationship with me before moving to US was fine. He knew my struggle as a single mom and he always try to help me around the house. I was not strict at all he was free to go out with friends anytime. He was even thrilled to have a father figure and my husband always try to make him feel included in everything.
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Comments
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ManufacturerAny835
Lesson learned never give someone access to money unless you’re ok with them running away with it

OOP: He was a good boy before moving here. I thought he knew my struggles and how much I sacrificed to save money. I just thought he would never betray me like this.

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dingdongsbtchs
Honestly I think a lot of parents don’t realize the depth of their children and forget that just because you think of them as one way doesn’t mean they don’t have other layers that can make them a different person. Sadly your son has found some less than savory friends to surround himself with and now he has to live with the decision he made. I honestly wouldn’t offer help for university again and would leave communication up to him. Also has there been any questions or discussion of potential drug use??
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2workigo
The money is gone. And since he was a joint account holder and a legal adult, there’s nothing to be done except refuse to help him financially anymore. Let him figure it out on his own from now on. The friends he had will likely drift away now that he no longer has a fat bank account to fund their party lifestyle.
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Treacle_Moon
Her biggest fault is waiting till it was all gone to do something about it. She had joint access. She could have stepped in long before now and tried to deal with it. Too little too late unfortunately.
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Update - 12 days later
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I still have not heard from my son and I don't expect him to reach out. But his gf's mother has called me asking if my house is still open to him. I asked her why, it turns out he hasn't paid his share of the last month's rent and his gf had to pay it for him.
I said it is not my problem and he is not welcome anymore in my house since he is an adult. The gf's mom said "what kind of mother would not extend help to his teenage son?". She further insulted me and said now she knows why he left me.
At this point I really don't care anymore. I tried to help him get a good start in life but he wasted it. Aside from the $20k, he lived rent free in the house, free food, free phone, car, gas money, and I pay all the utility bills and his health insurance. All I asked is that he focus on his studies. Finish at least an associate's degree so he can get a decent job and be fully independent from me asap.
For some who asked why college is so important to me, as an immigrant, we are held under certain standards. We have to prove to USCIS that we will not become a public charge -- meaning we won't rely on any government aid. I want him to be able to be a good immigrant and become productive. I don't even know if he can become a citizen if he makes below poverty income. I was just trying to make sure he gets to live a good life.
Some of you asked if he even wanted go to to college. Back when we were in our home country, he begged me to pls send him to college no matter what.
P.S. The harassment charge was closed for lack of evidence of harassment, a lot of what he said were lies.
Edit: Another thing that gave me chills was when he moved out it was the middle of the night and me and my husband were both asleep. My son left the front door hanging open (I saw it in the camera). We live in a small town but there's a lot of crime in our area, someone could have gone in and done something bad.
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Comments
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bluedreamer62
Some people just have to learn the hard way, his gf probably had a good time with him spending his college fund now 5hat it’s gone the fun is over. So comes the reality.
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PoliteCanadian2
So you’re saying this is the Find Out stage that follows the Fuck Around stage?
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Sharp_Mathematician6
Yep
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SnooWords4839
His GF's mom has no right to bitch you out. Your son left, spend his college fund and now has to figure out how to adult. You do not owe him anything at this point.
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ladyalcove
She's just calling her out because she's realizing that now she has to take care of this bum.
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butterfly-garden
Yup. She, too, is in the Find Out stage.
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** New Update*\*
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Update 2 - 8 days later
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His girlfriend's mom called me again today and basically handed the phone to my son to "sort it out between us". I let him just talk and tell me what is on his mind. Here's a summary of his point of view:

• He felt like I deprived him of a lot of things growing up. I couldn't buy him an Xbox/playstation, iphone, or anything a teenager wants when we were in our home country. I can't afford it. Back then I was making $1k a month and saving 20% of it for his college fund and whatever was left was for us to live on. I was helping my parents too with some groceries so money was really really tight. When I look back now, I don't know how I made it all fit.
• He felt so small because his clothes were hand me downs from cousins or just cheap clothes I bought from tianguis.
• He said I was not supportive unlike his friend's parents. Some of his friends have wealthy parents who bought their sons a house and never had to go to college or think about their future because they will inherit the family farm anyway. I have no generational wealth to be that supportive. I wish I have.
• He said I have so much house rules. Yes I do. I want him to wash his plates after eating (I used to do it for him), clean his room and keep it tidy, make sure the windows are tightly shut in winter, keep the thermostat at 68 during winter to save electricity, come home at 11pm or else the house will be double locked from the inside for my safety (because my husband drives a truck and not home at night most the time). I also told him before that since he has a part time job, he can't use my credit card for anything but emergency anymore, but he still used it sometimes anyway (card's been frozen since he moved out).
• I asked him why file charges when I only wanted some explanation from him. He said he don't want to inconvenience his gf and filing charges is the easiest way to get me to stop trying to talk to him.

So basically he felt deprived as a kid and that he thinks he was just healing his inner child when he spent the money. He said his friends told him I owe that to him for bringing him to this world. He thinks that I should not have a child if I can't afford these things.
I asked him why he left the door open that night. He went silent for a few seconds then said "I just thought that if the house get robbed, I could just say I cashed the money from the bank and the robbers must have found it". Unbelievable.
At this point I was so emotional and I was a crying mess. I told him I am deeply sorry that I was his mom and that he had to grow up feeling deprived because I was poor. Then he said "Oh stop with your guilt tripping, you are saying that to make me feel bad.
Oh and he also said he hates it when I do this. I don't yell like that lady but I pretty much bug him to get up and help me set the table. I never get a response so I had to raise my voice higher. He said I was so rude. But he grew up with this. This is me being me. All moms back home do this. Al of a sudden he is comparing me to his mom's friends. In our culture we want food to be eaten while it is fresh from the stove. I spent 1 hr cooking after a long day at work, the least you can do is help me set the table and eat my food while it's nice and warm.
I hung up. My heart is broken in so much pieces. Am I wrong?
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Comments
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Whitewitchie
He has a chip on both shoulders. Leave him be. It's despicable he left the door open so you were vulnerable to burglars. Absolutely no consideration for your safety at all.
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Mtndrums
Dude's a spoiled brat, and an idiot to not see his "friends" were using him. You need to cut him off and let him figure things out.
dublos
Not spoiled. Mom could not spoil him.
Entitled.
This child believes he's entitled to the same things his friends grew up with, even though his parents provided the best they could provide.
u/MentalPlatypus5193 your son has made his bed. Let him sleep in it.
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I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP. Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

One of my joys is to watch a good TV series with my wife. We’d sometimes marathon a good show, but more often we’d watch an episode or two a day until we finished a series.
A while back my teenage son got into Umbrella Academy and my wife joined in. I don’t recall, but I guess they forgot to invite me. So even though it seemed like a show I would’ve liked, I didn’t watch with them. I was ticked and a little hurt, but I know it’s only a TV show, so I let it go. I’d just put on headphones while they watch or not engage when they would discuss the series. They had no idea. I just kept quiet and put it in the back of my mind.
My son’s girlfriend recently recommended the show Suits. I like law movies (I wanted to be a lawyer as a kid) and previously watched Boston Legal with my wife. Unfortunately I was sick for a couple of days and then I had to pull a long day at work, so my wife and son started watching without me. Before I knew it, they were several episodes in and I was left behind. I understand that they were excited to watch, but when I had the time, they didn’t even invite me to catch up.
This time, I didn’t keep my mouth shut. I didn’t want to make it a big discussion, so I just texted my wife about my feelings while we were at our jobs. I told her how left out I felt and how it was bringing up old wounds with Umbrella Academy. Apparently she wasn’t having a good day at work, and was a bad time to text about it. I just told her that they can just go ahead and continue the show without me. I only wanted her to know my feelings.
My son, not knowing my feelings, continued to watch the show and my wife joined along. I was thinking she might invite me again to catch up, out of courtesy, but she didn’t.
Over the past few days, I haven’t really felt like watching anything with my wife. I just put my headphones and watch something on the computer that she wouldn’t be interested in, like sports.
I feel guilty for feeling this way, but I’m still a little hurt. My wife has invited me to watch something else, but I’m just not in the mood.
I hope this feeling passes soon. But in the meantime AITH?

TL;DR: Got questions about Autism Service Dog!
Today my 4 year old with Autism encountered a miniature Australian Shepherd and was in love immediately! She wanted to pet the dog, was very gentle, and was obsessed with its hair. I think the hair gave her a huge sensory feedback. She even said "dog!" for the first time!! And it was unprompted!!! My husband and I have discussed getting her a service dog since she was diagnosed at 2, obviously knowing it would be in the future. She is low verbal, has elopement issues, and nighttime waking/wandering; no injurious behaviors or severe meltdowns. The elopement/wandering issues are definitely scary. I have done a bit of research on services dogs for autism, but I have some questions.

1. Is 4 appropriate? I know many organizations require the child to be 7/8 but some say 4/5. ls there a specific reason why 7/8 is a requirement is common?
   
2. We have a dog in our home. He is a rescue, special needs Cane Corso (rickets). Approximate age 5 years. He is large with short hair, which is why I think she has never gravitated towards him the way she did with the mini Aussie. Is having another dog in the home a problem? He is good around other dogs. We have had fosters in the home and have not had any issues. But will organizations not place a service dog with us because we have anoth dog?
   
3. What is the best route? 501c? Private pay/fundraise? Purchase a pup from a breeder and pay for training? We are typically “adopt don’t shop” folks but I know certain breeds are best and the younger the better. Also, we are in the TN, USA. We are willing to travel but would ideally like to keep it as close to home as possible due to the training requirements. I think the biggest issue there is my husband and I deciding who gets to be the third-party handler (or whatever the term is). We might have to rock, paper, scissors that 😂 unless we both can be trained!
   

Thanks in advance!