Airbrush makeup kit for halloween

Huge sale! All must go! Prices as marked. If condition is not listed then it is brand new.
Rules:

• Paypal G&S Only. I can only ship to the address you put in paypal so please ensure it is correct.
• 2 hours for payment before 11pm otherwise waiting until the AM is ok
• Shipping + material starts at $6. Anything over 12 oz will need to be shipped USPS priority mail. Cost is $9+
• Minimum purchase of $20 before shipping. Happy shopping!!

Complexion Album 1: https://imgur.com/a/complexion-album-1-miukwg3

• CHARLOTTE TILBURY Nudegasm palette, one shade swatched. $70
• CALIRAY Hideaway Corrector, Dawn BN $10
• DIOR Forever Concealer 2CR BN $22
• MAKEUP FOREVER HD Skin Concealer 2.1 Y BN $15
• PAT MCGRATH Concealer Shade 5. Used 5-6x $10
• RARE BEAUTY Powder, Deep BN $5
• SURRATT Perfectioniste concealer palette Shade 6 $30
• PURLISSE BB concealer Fair $8
• OLE HENRIKSEN Banana Bright CC Stick Apricot BN $8
• PIXI Makeup Fixing Mist BN $10

Complexion Album 2: https://imgur.com/a/complexion-primers-highlighter-2-d9Yb852

• BY TERRY Brightening CC Serum Apricot BN $25
• BITE Changemaker Foundation $10
• BY TERRY Hyaluronic Hydra Powder Mini BN $10
• GLOWISH by Huda Concealer Fair Light BN $15
• MAKEUP FOREVER Mist and Fix BN $15
• MILK Future Fluid Concealer 3N $10
• OLE HENRIKSEN Banana Bright Pumpkin $10
• Pixi Mind Your Own Glow Palette $10
• REM BEAUTY Concealer Fair 6N Swatched $10
• SURRATT Foundation Shade 4 Used once $30

Complexion Album 3 https://imgur.com/a/complexion-album-3-8eSagXH

• ARMANI Fluid Sheer 8 $25 BN
• ARMANI Fluid Sheer 2 $25 BN
• ARMANI Fluid Sheer 10 $25 BN
• Bobbi Brown Skin Longwear Warm Ivory BN $15
• DRUNK ELEPHANT D Bronzi Swatched (has box) $20
• ESTEE LAUDER Futurist Hydra Rescue Foundation 1W1 Bone swatched. $15
• GIVENCHY Prism Libre 260 Matte. Used 3x. Pump is finicky. $15
• GUCCI Foundation Mini 220W $8
• HOURGLASS Veil Powder BN $30
• HOURGLASS Veil Hydrating Tint 6 $30
• PIXI Glowy Powder $6
• ROSE INC Softlight Foundation 7C $25

Blush Album 1 https://imgur.com/a/blush-bronzer-wpgYiPt

• Clinique Blush Trio Blush Pop BN (rare) $30
• DANESSA MYRICKS Colorfix Matte Latte $10
• GXVE Heatwave Contour $8
• GLOSSIER Cloud Paint Bronzer, Sail, Swatched with a pin (foil not fully opened) $15
• Lilah B Bronzer used 3x $20
• Kosas Blush Duo used 3x (papaya) $10
• Kosas 8th Muse Duo BN $10
• MILK Bionic Bronzer Shapeshift BN $10
• PAT MCGRATH Blush Nude Venus used 1x $25
• RARE BEAUTY Soft Pinch Powder Blush Hope $18 BN
• RARE BEAUTY Soft Pinch Powder Blush Joy $16
• RARE BEAUTY Dewy Liquid Blush Joy $16
• SURRATT La Vie en Rose Blush BN $20

Blush Album 2 https://imgur.com/a/blush-bronzer-album-2-lighqGI

• BITE Coconut Rum Blush used 1x $5
• BOBBI BROWN Golden Brown Pressed Powder swatched $15
• CHANTECAILLE Radiance Chic Rose Duo BN $50
• EM COSMETICS Blush Pearl Tea used 2x $20
• EM COSMETICS Bronzer, Summer, $15 used 2x
• FRECK Cheeckslime Love Flush BN $15
• GUCCI Blush, Apricot used 3x $25
• LYS Blush Kindness (usage shown) $10
• MAKEUP FOREVER HD SKin Palette (Tan) BN $40
• NUDESTIX Sunset Strip used lightly $5
• ROSE INC Brilliant Highlighter Refill $7
• ROSE INC Foxglove Blush Refill $10
• SURRATT Blush used once $20
• TATA Harper Blush, Usage shown $10
• TANLUXE Illuminating Self Tan Drops BN $10

EYE Makeup ALBUM 1: https://imgur.com/a/eye-makeup-cxlVmdW

• BOBBI BROWN Eye Shadow Stick Bone used 2x $10
• DANESSA MYRICKS Groundwork Blooming Romance BN $40
• COLOURPOP The Zodiak Libra $10
• HOURGLASS Curator Lux $10
• HOURGLASS CURATOR 3 shadows in palette swatched $30
• PAT MCGRATH Eyedolls Rose Venus $20
• URBAN DECAY Primer Potion Eden (swatched) $10
• URBAN DECAY Naked Sin Mini Palette $20

Eye Makeup Album 2: https://imgur.com/a/eye-makeup-album-2-a08o8cC

• Fenty Mascara Cuz I'm Black Full Size $8
• Kaja Play Bento 01 Buttercup $15
• GLOSSIER Play Colorslide Disaster Class BN $20
• LILAH B Quad Swatched $10
• OLAPLEX Lashbond Serum BN $20

LIPS https://imgur.com/a/5MdNdDY

• NATASHA DENONA I need a Nude Lip Crayon p3 Swatched $10
• URBAN DECAY Manci Cream BN $10
• URBAN DECAY Backtalk Matte BN $10
• HOURGLASS Unlocked, Magnolia BN $18
• SUMMER FRIDAYS Rosewood Nights Lip Oil BN $20
• SUMMER FRIDAYS Soft Mauve Lip Oil BN $20

BODY CARE / FRAGRANCE: https://imgur.com/a/PqiIhwF

• DIPTYQUE Roses Candle (LE Vessel) - never burned $70
• DIPTYQUE Do Son EDT 3.4 oz LE Blue Bottle - Not used $150
• FOREVR MOOD Hard to Get Mini 10ml $10
• FLORAL STREET Wild Vanilla Orchid 10 ML $10
• SOL DE JANIERO Beija Flor Body Wash 13 oz (priority Ship) $10
• SOL DE JANIERO 59 Cheriosa Perfume Mist FS $25 sprayed 1x
• NEST Lychee Rose 10ml Roller Ball $20

BODY CARE AND BRUSHES: https://imgur.com/a/Ti3AHAP

• BEAUTY BLENDER Little Wonder Set of 2 $10
• CHARLOTTE TILBURY Eye Blender Brush $10
• ISLE OF PARADISE Express Self Tanning Mouse BN $15
• NECESSAIRE Le Shampoo (heavy) BN $12
• SURRATT Smokey Eye Brush $30 BN
• SURRATT Artistique Highlight Brush BN $50
• ST Tropez Self Tan Serum BN Heavy $15
• SOL DE JANIERO Bum Bum Body Scrub (heavy) $25
• SOL DE JANIERO Bom Dia Body Scrub (heavy) $25
• SOL DE JANIERO Bum Bum BOdy Oil (opened and swatched) $30 (heavy)
• ST TROPEZ Getaway Kit BN $20

HAIR ALBUM: https://imgur.com/a/XOUqehv

• BRIOGEO Don't Despair Repair Leave in treatment 4 oz $15
• BRIOGEO Don't Despair Repair Shampoo travel size $8
• GISOU Honey Infused Hair Mask 75ml BN $20
• OLAPLEX No 3 100ml $20
• OLAPLEX No 5P Shampoo BN $15
• SUPERZERO Thinning Hair Shampoo $10
• OUAI Medium Hair Shampoo & Conditioner (heavy) $35
• OUAI Anti Frizz Creme $15

SKINCARE ALBUM 1: https://imgur.com/a/UT4JTZE

• DRUNK ELEPHANT Bora Barrier Repair BN $35
• FRESH Lotus Resurfacing Serum $30
• GOOD MOLECULES Hyaluronic Acid Serum $5
• HYLAMIDE Pore Flush 90% left $5
• ELEMIS Pro Collagen Marine Cream PENDING
• FARMACY Honey Milk Heavy $15
• HERBIVORE Star Seed Sunscreen BN $20
• JOSIE MARAN Pro Retinol Body Butter BN $20
• PETER THOMAS ROTH Max D Fense Sunscreen $20
• SUPERGOOP Mineral Sheer Stick BN exp 2025 $20
• SUPERGOOP Mineral Unseen Sunscreen $25
• SUPERGOOP Superscreen BN $25
• THE OUTSET Masque Purifiant $25
• YENSA Pink Lotus Cream $7

SKINCARE ALBUM 2: https://imgur.com/a/doHPaep

• DHC Deep Cleansing oil Mini $5
• FRESH Kombucha Essence 5 oz BN $25 (heavy)
• FRESH Sugar Lip Polish $10
• FRESH Sugar Lip Treatment $10
• GLOSSIER Invisible Shield SPF 50 $20
• KYLIE Body Glow Mini 50 ML $10
• LA ROCHE POSAY Anthelios 50 (FRENCH VERSION BOUGHT IN PARIS) $25
• LIONPOSE Unspotted 4x BN $25
• MARA Lagae Retinol Face Oil BN $25
• LANEIGE Firminig Retinol Cream BN $15
• LANEIGE Water Bank Intensive BN $20
• ORIGINS Ginzeng SPF 30 $18
• DR ZENOVIA Retinol Repair $10
• PAULAS CHOICE Mandelic Acid BN $20
• REN Ready Steady Glow BN 250ML $10 (heavy)
• SHISEIDO Oil Free UV $15
• THANK YOU FARMER Rice Toner BN $10

SKINCARE ALBUM 3 https://imgur.com/a/ATUTAKv

• A313 (bought in France) $30
• GLOW RECIPE Plum Plump Serum $25
• LANEIGE Cream Skin BN $25
• KATE SOMMERVILLE Hydra Kate BN $25
• THE INKEY LIST Succinic Acid Treatment $5
• SUNDAY RILEY B Nice $30
• TATA HARPER Regenerating Cleanser Mini $5

SKINCARE ALUBM 4 https://imgur.com/a/T1Xt9AT

• CHANTECAILL ROse DE MAI Usage shown $25
• DIEUX SKIN Air ANgel $30
• DRUNK ELEPHANT Protini Serum $35
• FARMACY Filling Good Mini $5
• FRESH Black Tea OVernight Mask PENDING
• FRESH Rose Face Mask 1 oz $8 (heavy)
• FRESH Black Tea Perfecting Mask (pending)
• FRESH LOTUS Youth Preserve Moisturizer BN $20
• GLOW RECIPE Plum Plump Cream $20 (heavy)
• GLOW RECIPE Water melon Glow Pink Juice (heavy, FS) $20
• GLOW RECIPE Watermelon Glow Hue Drops $25
• GLOW RECIPE Plum Plump Serum $25
• PAULAS CHOICE c5 Super Boost Moisturizer $20
• PAULAS CHOICE Hyaluronic Acid Booster $20
• PAULAS CHOICE Calm 1% BHA $20

SKINCARE ALBUM 5: https://imgur.com/a/ZmLaI8N

• BEAUTYSTAT universal C Mini $5
• BIAFINE bought in paris $25 (extra large size)
• CLARINS Beauty Flash Peel $20
• TAN LUXE The Creme $15
• KRAVE BEAUTY Hemp Body Wash $10 (heavy)
• SUPERGOOP Glow Stick 2/25 expiry $15
• THE INKEY LIST Oil and Water Cleanser $10 (heavy)

Sorry, no trades. Trying to sell to pay vet bill for my sick cat , so offers welcomed! I will give you a good deal. Prices listed, Free shipping on bundles, can mail out tomorrow! :) everything new in box unless otherwise noted.
https://imgur.com/a/makeup-skincare-more-3IxYOpi
1st picture: Kate Somerville 1 fluid ounce BNIB- $19 Nip+Fab renew Retinol Fox blemish gel treatment 0.5 fluid ounces (have 2) $10 each KOA LIFE detox face mask 1.70 fluid oz $20 Saturday Skin- scalp + hair strengthening peptide serum 2.70 fluid oz $14 ELEMIS Peptide4 eye recovery cream 0.5 fluid oz $33 AHAVA overnight skin distressing cream 1.7 fluid oz $14
2nd picture 111 skin rose gold radiance booster .68 fluid oz $60 Patrick Ta for body Major Glow Body Oil shade: bronze 1.0 fluid oz $25 Olaplex No. 3 1 fluid oz $5 Color Wow MONEY masque for super glossy expensive looking hair 1.7 oz (have 2) $10 SALT scalp scrub gray sea salt+ bamboo charcoal 1.06 oz $6 Grow Gorgeous REPAIR strengthening hair and scalp mask $5
Third Picture: Looney Tunes I heart Revolution (I have 2) $15 Malin + Goetz's botanical oil treatment face oil $30 full size Amazon.com Glow Recipe Strawberry BHA Pore-Smooth Blur Drops - $25 full size TRULY glazed oil after shave oil $9
Fourth picture: Tresluce Beauty Shimmery Highlighter Palette$9 ABH Sugar Glow Kit $22 ABH Gleam glow kit- swatched $12 Fifth picture: Natasha denona palette- one is slightly broken as seen in pic $19 Wander Beauty Trailblazer palette-$21 Huda Beauty Mercury retrograde-have eyeshadow box not pictured $35
Last picture: St Tropez set $15 Snoopy make-up bag $25 Beauty brush set $12 Ipsy bags $3

What topcoat can be use with Dspiae markers?
I ordered all the Dspiae marker sets recently (regular Mk series, metallic MKM & Super metallic MKA series[which will melt ABS]) but I heard they scrap off super easily, and I handle my kits alot and generally hate the idea of not being able to touch them or of the paints fading over time.
Thus I need a topcoat that won't damage these water based acrylics, but I can't get an airbrush, so whatever it is, it needs to come in a spray can, but all of those seem to hot. I also really like gloss and dislike Matt finishes.
Are there any water based or gentle enough topcoats like that or am I stuck? I already have Mr. Hobby topcoat gloss, but isn't that too harsh?
For primer, I was thinking about ordering Vallejo's mecha primer(black, white & grey), and using paint brushes to apply it before using the Dspiae markers over it. And maybe try sanding a bit, with 2000 Grit, for extra grip. Hey that rhymes! I also have gundam EX markers and Molotow chrome, would these also benefit from Vallejo mecha primer? Because I've heard that you water based and alcohol based primers are not interchangeable.
I'm still very new to the hobby.
BTW I already know markers don't play well on larger surface areas, I'm only planning to use these for detailing.
I know whatever I endup buying I'll need to test it out on the runners first.
In short what topcoat and primer can be used with dspiae Markers without an airbrush?

So I'm set on buying an timbertech airbrush kit on Amazon for around 100 bucks. Just to get me started and to practice since I'm new to it. Once I'm comfortable I'm going to buy a iwata eclipse. My question is do I have to worry about the iwata fitting the hose? I don't want to spend 180 on it if it doesn't fit.

I’m currently using Charlotte Tilbury’s airbrush flawless foundation and by the end of the day my makeup is all gone except for the places I apply concealer.
I also use Elf power grip primer and tarte shape tape concealer, so I’d like to stick to a foundation that would work well with those products
Oily girlies, what are your fave foundations that last all day long?

Thought this may help someone out there who can’t remember what to buy so here is basically everything I bought - [ ] Zip up pajamas - [ ] Velcro swaddle - [ ] Baby carrier - [ ] Diaper bag - [ ] Rocker - [ ] Play mat/gym - [ ] Bassinet - [ ] Teething toy - [ ] Rectal thermometer - [ ] Electric nasal aspirator - [ ] Pacifier clips - [ ] Crinkle toy - [ ] Car seat - [ ] Stroller - [ ] Baby bottles - [ ] Electric nail file - [ ] Infrared thermometer - [ ] Sensory toy set - [ ] tummy time Baby mirror - [ ] Tummy time high contrast toy - [ ] Tummy time inflatable mat - [ ] Portable breast pump - [ ] Baby wipes - [ ] Vitamin d drops - [ ] Baby toothbrush - [ ] Baby lotion - [ ] Baby bath thermometer - [ ] Postpartum recovery kit (witch hazel pads, disposable underwear, perineal ice packs, perineal cooling foam) - [ ] Onesies - [ ] Mittens - [ ] Diaper rash cream - [ ] First aid kit - [ ] Baby wash - [ ] Baby oil - [ ] Baby laundry detergent - [ ] Petroleum jelly - [ ] Gas relief drops - [ ] Infant Tylenol - [ ] Manual breast pump - [ ] Hokka milk collector - [ ] Pacifiers - [ ] Diaper rash cream applicator - [ ] Diapers - [ ] Socks - [ ] Baby pants - [ ] Baby bath - [ ] Baby wipes - [ ] Bibs - [ ] Muslin swaddle blankets - [ ] Receiving blankets - [ ] Baby towel with hood - [ ] Baby wash cloth - [ ] Baby clothes hangers - [ ] Burp cloths - [ ] Baby swing - [ ] Breast milk storage bags - [ ] Tooth and gum wipes - [ ] Breast pump wipes - [ ] Portable breast milk cooler - [ ] Bassinet mattress protector - [ ] Nursing/pumping bras - [ ] Pajamas - [ ] Bassinet sheets - [ ] Baby cap - [ ] Peri bottle - [ ] Dermoplast spray - [ ] Lanolin cream - [ ] Cooling gel nipple pads - [ ] Menstrual pads - [ ] Portable changing pad - [ ] Bottle warmer - [ ] Baby wipe warmer
Things I have not yet bought or other things I haven’t bought but may help you - [ ] High chair - [ ] Sound machine - [ ] Silicone dish set (suction bottom) - [ ] Push pop feeder - [ ] Hemorrhoid cream - [ ] Sitz bath - [ ] Pacifier medicine syringe - [ ] Oogiebear booger picker - [ ] Nursing pillow - [ ] Sleep sack - [ ] Soothing gum gel - [ ] Gripe water - [ ] Car seat safety mirror (or camera) - [ ] Baby monitor - [ ] Owlet dream sock
Things to consider including in your hospital bag - [ ] Clothes for baby - [ ] Bibs - [ ] Burp clothes - [ ] Recieving blankets - [ ] Diapers - [ ] Baby wipes - [ ] Diaper rash cream - [ ] Petroleum jelly - [ ] Baby bottles - [ ] Formula - [ ] Pacifiers - [ ] Shampoo - [ ] Conditioner - [ ] Body wash - [ ] Face wash - [ ] Feminine wash - [ ] Postpartum essentials - [ ] Pajamas - [ ] Underwear - [ ] Shirts - [ ] Socks - [ ] Pants - [ ] Deodorant - [ ] Toothbrush - [ ] Toothpaste - [ ] Hairbrush - [ ] Ponytail holder - [ ] Makeup - [ ] Folder for documents - [ ] Menstrual pads
Install car seat

I have a friend's who's doing her best in life. She has a husband who is on disability and was fired after he had a stroke. He is not able to find a job, he has aphasia and it's hard for people to understand him. He's trying to do a business with stickers and he's good at computer stuff. My fiends works full time due to her medical condition she has to get medical care almost every week and she doesn't work for a week or two due to complications. So financially they struggle sometimes.
He told her the other day he can't start the business when she's constantly in and out of the hospital or multiple Drs appointments. She is also trying to start a business on her own but she can't since she gets so tired and after work she needs to rest. Sometimes she'll ask him to make some stickers so she can start building a package for her resin projects.
She has the idea that first crate a kit for those she knows, like earrings and makeup bag etc and give it as a gift to her closest friends at work. Start somewhere advertising. On the other hand his idea is all computer, make the stickers, post it and wait for customers. She's old fashioned while he is more computer. She's ask to creat the stickers and she buys the material, but he said I'll charge you for it...
He does not want to do the hard work, the investment part, just wait for someone to get into the website and boom buy it then create it. He sees a loss a cup that he can star putting a sticker or on a shirt. Not good at business, but who's the AH? What can I do to help them my friends she is so close for a double lung/heart transplant and if meds are not working then she will be place on hospice care. Her husband he's trying, but he is just not listening.
Please be kind on your opinions. They'll be reading this.

I tried commenting on my last post with this, but I kept getting an error.
Hello! Here is my packing list for an upcoming G Adventures Central America Tour (19 days): Feel free to let me know if there is anything you would add or subtract! Clothing: (in packing cubes) • Sunhat (Athleta) • Tevas • Keds • Rain jacket (Marmot) • 2x Swim tops (Amazon) • 2x Shorts (for swim/pajamas) (Nike) • Sleep tank • 3x Bras • 6x Underwear • 6x Tops (I was planning to cut down, but they all ended up fitting in the cube so I kept them) (Champion and Old Navy) • 2x Pants (North Face Aphrodite 2.0) • Sleep pants (could take these out) • Skirt (Sundry) • Dress (prAna, built in bra!) • Pashima from Italy (for warmth)
Inside personal item: (Kanken) • Water bottle • Charging brick • Sunglasses • 2x Lip balm • Tissues • Pads • Bandages • Sting relief wipes • Pills (allergies, pain, lactaid) • Deodorant • Lip stain (might get thrown out by TSA) • Hair ties • Earplugs • Belt bag with wallet, passport, phone, lip balm
Toiletries: • 3x Clay mask samples • Face cleanser • Moisturizer • Squalane/rose oil • Prescription acne medicine • 3x Conditioner mask samples • Hair serum sample • 5x Sunscreen sample • Toothpaste • Laundry soap liquid • Curly hair stylers (Shea Moisture and Ouidad)
• Solid shampoo and Dove bar soap (to be cut in half) • Q-tips • 2x Travel deodorant • Wide tooth comb • Razor • Toothbrush
Makeup: • Eyeliner • Sparkle eyeshadow • Small eye brush • Blush (Clinique Cheek Pop) • Retractable blush brush • Tube mascara • Liquid lipstick (might replace with solid for TSA) • Berry lip balm
Miscellaneous: • Bag filled with ziplocks • Hair accessories (headbands, clips, hairbands) • Travel clothesline • Pads stash • First aid kit (immodium, Ibuprofen, lactaid, bandaids, tape, antibacterial wipes, sting relief wipes, gauze sponge and roll, burn cream, hand sanitizer) • 8x Liquid IV • Travel microfiber towel (Amazon) • 20x protein bars (hidden throughout onebag) • Reusable tote bag • Bag locks and S-biners • Eyemask for sleeping

Hi! I have barely any experience with makeup, just eyeliner and mascara. I have no idea where to even begin, but I want to get my hands on all the products I’ll need for a kit that I can practice and experiment with.
If anyone could recommend me some good beginner products, suggest videos/articles I can look into, or just tell me anything that would be nice to know, I’d really appreciate it!

And then it took me another 13 years to crack my egg... Anyone else have huge flags that you feel like you should've noticed before realizing you're trans?
I never really did costumes for Halloween, but when I had this idea I knew had to do it, lol. My mom and gf at the time knew nothing about scene style so it looked... not quite right for the style. But getting ready and going there was such an amazing experience!
My mom did her best to tease my hair for me and do my makeup. I borrowed one of my ex's bras and stuffed it with socks. And it was my women's cut Breathe Carolina tee that I bought at hot topic, first ever women's clothing item I bought! All I wore back then were Levi's skinny jeans and band tees, lol.

First Prev
Star Crossed [Multiple Free Sample Chapters] Patreon Subreddit Discord Paperback NOP2 Species Lore
Memory Transcription Subject: Taylor Trench, Human Colonist
Date [standardized human time]: July 15, 2160
With boot camp completed, I was free to leave the base in my off-duty hours. My plan for the rest day was to wander the city with Gress, who was eager to see Lecca and Juvre after weeks separated. His daughter had loved the idea of staying on “the human planet,” so we were heading to a hotel room where his ex-wife had planned a faceless handoff. The Krev hadn’t let me out of his sight since my abduction, because we’d yet to receive any leads on Mafani’s hideout. Where could that former black ops prick even be hiding, and why couldn’t Gress’ contact locate him? My exchange partner was worried the Resket would come back for me, and honestly, I shared those fears. I was jumpy and worried about going anywhere nobody had eyes on me.
It was a waiting game to see my persecutors get their comeuppance, and my patience was waning. General Radai was meticulous with his planning, instead of pressing our advantage before they’d have a chance to send another round of ships into our space. On the subject of lingering fears, when an armada twenty-thousand-strong burst in Tellus’ space, it had brought back memories of how the exterminator fleet had come to Earth. The greatest insult was that the bastards had figured out drones, most likely from studying my own species, so they weren’t pushovers we could use psychological warfare against anymore. Despite the advancements, the Consortium vanquished them; my faith was restored.
It’s cause for celebration. The scales—pun intended—are tipped in our favor. Now, it’s just a matter of waiting for the threefold decapitation strike to make the month-long journey; fighting a war across great distances will require patience. Persistence, some might say.
We hadn’t found too many hints in the wreckage, as the drone parts began to disintegrate almost as soon as their seams were undone. In my mind, there was no doubt they’d used our technology to some extent. Why worry about feckless crews when computers could do their dirty work? What we knew for certain was that their trails led back toward the Federation’s border, which left me wondering if our first strike didn’t need to include the Sivkits. This all started with their arrival, so they must be at the root of this conflict. Whatever General Radai might’ve thought, this proved that destroying their fleet was the right decision—who knew what kind of intel they might’ve gotten, if we spoke to them or allowed them any closer to our new home?
As much as I loved spending time with my Krev friend, perhaps the only person I’d ever felt close to, my heart was right in the thick of the war. No day wandering Tellus with Lecca could have a guarantee of safety, not until we convinced those Feddie bastards not to come knocking on our doors.
“I heard Quana was going on a tour of the caverns. She wanted to see how you lived; told Cherise it was insightful to witness a species’ conditions with your own eyes,” Gress said, as we ascended in the hotel elevator.
I tilted my head. “You two talked, voluntarily? Quana’s been less hostile since she was given the clearance to take Mafani out, but…”
“I overheard her talking with Cherise. Your Jaslip friend was interested in seeing the vault of your keepsakes from Earth. My guess is she likes the idea of making one for Esquo.”
“Jaslips had time to safeguard their artifacts, and plan the transition. I’m not sure what they’d need a vault for; they have more than fucking pictures and empty memories.”
The Krev looked at me with sad eyes, as the doors opened. “If we win this war, or are able to stop by Sol, maybe we could save a few artifacts. There has to be something, even if it’s at the bottom of the ocean, that we can save. I want to help, Taylor; my heart breaks for you and your people.”
“I know. I’m just fucked up, and I don’t know what I believe, other than that I don’t deserve you. Our history is me turning on you, doubting you, assaulting you.”
“You gave me a chance to get it right, like I couldn’t all those years ago. I’m going to save you as many times as it takes, even if it’s from yourself. You can’t push me away, or hide how you really feel.”
“How do I really feel, Gress?”
“I, um…you turned on me because you trusted me and were willing to be vulnerable. Because you care…we care deeply about each other. You express pain by blowing up, so you don’t have to admit it to yourself.”
“It’s not blowing up. I want to do something with my feelings.”
“There are other ways.”
That’s a nice statement from Captain Obvious, though he made it sound quite cryptic. Is there something more he’s not saying?
Gress steered me down the hallway, as I continued on in silence. We unlocked the door to Lecca’s room, and my leg was immediately latched onto by the little Krev. Her claws tore the fabric of my jeans, which caused her father to wince. The kid didn’t notice at all, instead bouncing up and down with excitement. Juvre crawled back into his cage, and began shaking it from the inside; of course the obor was acting possessed at the mere sight of me. He was basically a Fed. If it hadn’t been for how distraught Gress told me he was putting his first obor down, I’d suggest he give this primate some night-night syrup. There were better pets out there.
“Daddy, Daddy!” Lecca finally released me, diving on top of her father’s tail. Who made her so hyper? “Tell me something cute about the humans.”
Gress cast a sly glance at me. “Let’s see. Their celebrities walked down red carpets at big events, and pranced right on down the ‘fancy’ color strip.”
“I wanna see! If I make one for Taylor, can he walk down it? He has to show me!”
“Taylor would love to, wouldn’t he?”
“Absolutely not,” I protested. “What next, do I have to get petted by you?”
“You don’t have to, but…I figured out a way that humans will pay me to pet them. I hear you like massages: if I ran a massage parlor on Tellus, work would just be petting humans for hours. Might go for it after the war.”
“You can’t be serious, Gress.”
“That sounds like a great job, Daddy!” Lecca cheered. “That’s what I wanna do. I can’t believe we used to be scared of them; they’re so squishy, and adorable.”
“Yeah, I think I’m done with that conversation. Call me back when you figure out where Lecca wants to go. I’ll occupy myself snooping through your things.”
Juvre poked his head out of the cage as I ambled away, baring his teeth while on all fours. I found myself imagining the obor painted in clown makeup; perhaps I could persuade Gress’ daughter to do that to him, not knowing the true meaning. I rolled my hands into fists, faked a sad expression, then flapped them around near my eyes in mock crying. The primate made the motions of lunging at me, and I leapt away with a hint of fright. My friend’s worthless pet settled back on his haunches, and snickered in his shrieking register.
Demon. Diabolical little shit; I’m gonna rattle his cage in the middle of the night, right when he’s sleeping.
I took a closer look around the hotel, checking out the accommodations that visitors to Tellus would have; we had more guests on our world than ark settlers. The obor backpack Gress mentioned was sitting out on the couch, revealing a popup book about us for kids. I tugged the print media out, but was too lazy to get a visual translator to read the simplistic words. One picture showed a human kid playing on a swing set, and the child appeared on the next slide wearing a triangular hat and blowing out birthday candles. I turned the page, finding images of jump rope and hopscotch.
My hands slammed the book shut, feeling a bit deflated. We’d never done those kinds of things when I was a child in the caverns; our circumstances robbed me of almost every fun experience I could’ve had. I supposed this hardcover was about how human kids played, so that sated my curiosity. Perhaps it would’ve been better if I hadn’t been reminded about certain parts of our culture that I missed out on. Then again, it was never too late to start playing around and having fun, right? Something on the floor caught my eye; I reached my hand beneath the couch, pulling out some kind of puzzle cube.
“Well, what do we have here?” I picked up a four-sided figure with a few movable L-shapes fitted on the outside. Noticing a faint aroma, I brought it to my nose; it smelled fruity, and I wondered if this was some inverse, puzzle version of a Ring Pop. I shook it, feeling and hearing something inside. “Gotcha. Let’s see how to get this open…it’s like a Rubik’s Cube with an actual incentive.”
I rotated the L pieces enough to free one side, working to shift the square underneath into an upper layer. Getting parts of the cube to flip into an outer shell was easy, but the gaps were only big enough to jam my pinky into; it made a bit of a lattice pattern. I tried attacking it from two sides, freeing part of each surface—the contraption still defied me. Growling in frustration, I placed it between my feet and tried to tug it open. The commotion drew Gress and Lecca over to see what I was up to, and my Krev friend immediately morphed into a melty face. He caught himself, eyes shifting back and forth in a conflicted dance.
Stupid thing. I can’t get it open. This is a time waster: you’d have to be Einsteinian to solve it.
“Um, Taylor?” Gress ventured. “I…it’s natural and totally okay, of course, if you would share interests with other primates, but, well…that’s one of Juvre’s toys.”
I threw the cube away like a hot potato, bringing about a collision with the obor’s cage. “It just looked fun. Like a Rubik’s Cube, but it’s not solvable. Shit, I didn’t know. Only Juvre would be stupid enough to keep working on this; it’s a hamster wheel, man.”
The red-furred obor chittered, picking up the unsolvable puzzle. Juvre began unscrewing the pieces, moving certain blocks upward in various intervals. The primate seemed to be making tangible progress on it, and tinkered with it in silent focus. He screeched happily as he made an incision wide enough to squeeze his hand through. The monkey-like creature waved a red, powdery substance in the air, likely the source of the sugary scent; Gress called out, “Good obor!” There was a triumphant glint in the animal’s binocular eyes, as I gestured to him in indignant outrage; he popped the cookie in his mouth, crunching it in his molars.
“That’s not fair!” I shouted. “The bastard critter cheated. How come Juvre could get it open like nothing? He knows some trick, or gimmick you trained him in. He’s mocking me, chomping away at his treat like he earned it. Circus animal. Food thief gremlin!”
“I…uhhh...” Gress seemed at a loss for words; his tongue hung out of his mouth, twitching. “I can give you an obor treat too?”
“What? I don’t want pet food. Who knows what Krev put in that: you guys eat literal rocks.”
“Because we don’t have teeth. This would be perfectly edible, if that’s what you worried about. I don’t want you feeling, um, left out. There’s enough to go around, and it’s not a competition.”
“If it’s a competition, Juvre would’ve won,” Lecca said unhelpfully.
I scowled at the child. “Did your father teach you to lie? I did most of the hard work for the damn obor. He took what I already did.”
“Which is what exactly?”
“You little—”
Gress retrieved a treat bag from the kitchen, jingling it at me. “Will one of these make you stop arguing with my daughter?”
Juvre curled his lips upward, taunting me as he scooped crumbs off the floor.
“Fine. Give me one, just so that no-good obor can watch me eat it. Show him his place,” I huffed.
Gress’ eyes lit up, though he quickly attempted to mask his happiness. The Krev placed one of the cookies in my palm, and I held it up with suspicion. Maybe I should’ve asked if they’d crushed any dried insects in with the fruit paste, since I knew that was what they fed Juvre quite often. However, not wanting the pet to relish his feeling of superiority, I popped the treat into my mouth while staring right at him. My immediate instinct was to brace myself for a retching sensation, trying to hide my disgust. However, I wasn’t expecting it to taste fucking amazing. It was lighter than flour, singing with the juicy flavors of fruit snacks, then full of sodium in the center, reminding me of salted caramel.
“Shit,” I managed through a mouthful of food, raising my eyebrows at the Krev. “That’s…actually pretty good.”
Lecca stomped her foot, pouting. “Why don’t I get to give Taylor a treat, Daddy? You have all the fun!”
“Well…you can if he wants more, I guess. Just don’t throw it on the floor; hand it to him,” Gress ordered.
I searched for a glass of water, before holding out my palm. “If you want something to hand out at Halloween, this would definitely do. Maybe keep what they are on the down low.”
The Krev kid pranced over to me, carrying the bag. “So you want one?”
“Unfortunately for my little remaining self-respect, yes.”
“Okay then. Taylor, sit!”
I gaped at her. “The fuck did you just say?”
Gress wagged a scolding claw. “Lecca! How would you feel, being given commands like an animal?”
“I get told, ‘do your homework,’ take a bath,’ ‘go to bed’ as my whole life. At least he’ll get something for listening.”
“It’s not acceptable to treat my friend—a sapient being who I care about and respect very much—like Juvre.”
“You don’t care about or respect Juvre?”
“That’s not what I meant. I’m saying Taylor is capable of understanding much more than sit—as are you. Juvre couldn’t understand the concept of ‘do your homework,’ no matter the training he gets. Taylor can. It’s demeaning to the humans, and not how you treat someone as an equal, a friend.”
“I just wanna take care of them and be nice. I know he can talk, but look at him!”
“Lecca, what if there was someone out there who thought the same about Krev? Is it fair to disregard everything else about them?” Gress looked flustered, but walked over to me, placing a paw on my shoulder. “To another set of species, Taylor is a terrifying monster. He lost everyone he had in this universe, because they didn’t care about who he was—only what he was. How we treat people shouldn’t—must not be—based on how they look to us.”
I lowered my head. “Your father is right. I’m a primate, but I don’t want to be some caged animal that does tricks. I was that back in the cavern, going up to follow someone else’s commands. It hurt a part of my soul. Please don’t think of me as a pet. That’s not being nice.”
Lecca sighed, before setting the treat bag down. “I’m sorry. I don’t wanna hurt you, Taylor. Is it…mean that I think you’re reeeeeeally adorable?”
“No. It’s a welcome change after being treated like a monster that didn’t deserve to live, and having people cower at the mere sight of us.”
“Those aliens’ eyes are broken! I just wanted to see what you looked like sitting down, or rolling over.”
“You could’ve asked. I don’t need a treat. It’s enough to make you happy, as long as you don’t treat me like some object to gawk at.”
“Okay. Could you please sit on the floor? I like watching humans just walk around and do simple stuff, so it’d be cool…and I think everything you do is adorable, if that’s a reason?”
I chuckled. “Fine. After that, would you like to go to the playground with the human kids? I saw you liked swing sets, hopscotch, and some other things; if your dad is okay with it, maybe you could try it in real life.”
“Really? Yes! Please, Daddy, can we—can we?”
“Okay, but you’re going to be very careful on the swings. I don’t want you falling off,” Gress responded.
“Yay! Quick, Taylor, sit down so we can go to the playground! I wanna go right now…um, I mean, please do that because it’d be nice and I’m so excited!”
Deciding to humor Lecca since she was at least trying to make it a request, I flopped down on the floor. I didn’t think much about how I situated myself, bending my legs and placing one foot beneath each knee: the familiar diamond shape shown by children in a reading circle in an elementary school classroom. Gress’ expression changed to the annoying one, which meant I’d inadvertently done something cute to him; Lecca rushed to take a picture, and I made no attempt to stop her. The Krev child squealed, flailing her claws around in excitement at my mundane behavior.
Well, this is a new way to make a kid’s day. By…let me check my notes…sitting cross-legged on the ground.
“Is that a normal way that humans sit? Your legs are all folded up and overlapping,” Gress gushed. “And your feet are like little pedestals for your knees; it’d be even cuter if I could see your wiggly toes!”
I facepalmed, standing up in a hurry. “There’s nothing special about this. You can’t be serious. It’s called criss-cross applesauce.”
“Aw, even the name is the cutest thing. I heard that rhyme…and it mentions fruit mash, if ‘applesauce’ translated. I can imagine it smeared all over your face, replacing that fur you shave away, where you coat your chin in that white foam. That made you look more babyish and harmless! I can’t.”
“You’re horrible; and how can you say I’m harmless one sentence, then go ‘primates are violent’ in the next? You know I’m not harmless, because I literally whacked you over the head.”
“I don’t put continuity between one thought and the next, because I’ll think whatever is necessary to make you precious and pettable! You can’t stop me.”
“Precious? Nope, I can and will stop you; I’ll look really sad if you use that to describe me again. I know how to hurt you.”
“But I can hug you if you look sad.”
I scoffed. “Playground. Now.”
The Krev coaxed his daughter out of the hotel room, and I thought to myself that there were worse ways to be spending this limbo, waiting for news on Mafani and the Federation. Human kids playing together with aliens hadn’t been in my wildest imagination four months ago, but now, I could watch other children have the fun times that I never experienced. That was a reason to press on and keep fighting. It was wonderful to have people in my life who cared about me, no matter what happened, and who could explore the new and improved Tellus with me.
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He waited to call me, he literally thought about my sleep and that he’d called to wake me up a couple times already this past week so he thought no I’ll let her sleep and call at a more normal time. Is he not the most thoughtful thing? My baby. He woke me right out of a dream, it was an odd one which I cbf going into, but I was making a friend in it, I don’t know who but the dream was partly me trying to be friends with this other girl. Maybe it’s a sign I’ll find a new friend soon :) Anyway so he called and we chatted while he finished making up his keyboard. It sounds so good, like sooooo good. Like creamy marbley rain drop goodness. It’s funny because I thought his last keyboard sounded delicious, but in comparison to the new one the old one makes me envision large spiders tip tapping along a corrugated iron roof. Whereas the new one sounds like sitting by a fire with a hot chocolate with marshmallows and being read a story while the rain pitter patters outside. I wonder if this new one will sound like spiders whenever he makes a newer one? I’m truly such a fickle thing. They all sound good though, obviously. He said how when we live together he’ll make one for me! Or rather he’ll guide me through the process, because I need to pick the sounds and colours and feelings out. I’m not sure what I’d like it to be like, I’ll have to start thinking. I flip between wanting something cute, like a pink one with strawberries and hearts and glitter and then a sleek, profesh looking one. A light one? Or a dark one? And I have no idea about the sounds, but he’ll help me. And then we can make it up together! It sounds so fun, I really can’t wait. Anyway so he called and it’s still my favourite way to wake up.
Then we hung up and I was laying in bed debating whether I should get up or doze and I ended up having dirty lil thoughts about him… twice. I can be so boring with my lil fantasies now, I can’t entirely remember now what I thought about but it was just us two. I think he thinks I think about someone else involved more than I do, I definitely do but nowhere near as often as just him. I sound like a total creepy perve but I’ve even thought about just him… but I’ll be dead and buried before I ever tell him that. And that saying something because I think I’d like to be cremated… TBD on that. But so anyway, thinking about just me and him is always my favourite and works the fastest every single time. My honey baby handsome man.
I truly have a life full of first world problems, it makes me feel so guilty sometimes. I say sometimes because I only think about how lucky I am sometimes, which makes me feel even more guilty. There are SO many horrible awful things happening in the world to people who absolutely do not deserve a hair on their heads touched.. and here I am lambasting my cuticles for being in good condition after I bought some products to tidy them up. I just caught myself out before, I was looking at my cuticles and was negatively thinking about how clean they look lately - I’m not surprised I found a way to be negative about something good. They definitely need some nourishment and cuticle oil and things, but they’re so clean and neat? Why? I haven’t done anything? Anyway I caught myself looking at them thinking ffs why do they look nice I need to fix them - firstly that makes no sense and secondly it hit me a second later how terrible it was. And then the guilt washed over me and there are children dying across the world for no reason and here I am critiquing my cuticles. I truly don’t think I deserve the air I breathe sometimes. More than sometimes. I know I’m not a person that adds anything to this world, if anything I just take from it by worsening the health of the planet with the plastic, travel etc etc I do. I do my best to save bees who look sickly? That’s about it. I don’t bring joy to anyone else - I mean I make Andy miserable, I probably stress and worry my parents… I think the only one I bring any semblance of joy to is pups because I play with him and take him for walks and cuddle him and I won’t move an inch if he’s comfy and I’m not. Other than that… I offer nothing. So like I said, I am drenched in guilt. I wonder how I can change it? Or how I can offer more? I just feel like I have nothing to actually offer, even if I gave everything up. I guess physical labour…? But even then, I’m not strong and my hand skin is so sensitive so I can only really do so much before it hurts and gets bad. But I guess if I wasn’t being selfish I would ignore my skin, wouldn’t I? I would really like to volunteer. I used to a bit here and there, before I really got bad with my mental health. Not a lot but sometimes. I’d like to make it more of a regular thing - it’s something I’ve talked about in therapy about it being a part of the life I’m working towards. I’m thinking once every three weeks or so, so still nothing impactful but it’s something? I think I’d like to volunteer at an animal shelter, I wouldn’t mind even cleaning up their little areas and things, idk why but I don’t find animal stuff gross whereas I do people stuff. Then again I’ve only had to clean up after an animal I love with my whole heart so maybe it would be different for other ones, I could do it though. Or I’d like to volunteer at a retirement home, or visiting elderly people at their own homes. Just spend time with them, it makes my heart hurt to think of how lonely some of them can be and coming from someone who feels extremely lonely I would want to lessen that - especially in their final years. They’re the main places I’d like to volunteer. I’ve done time in “soup kitchens” here and in the UK, which I enjoyed, I only worked in the kitchen though helping prepare things and cleaning up - every time I wasn’t allowed out the front to serve, which is weird because I have LOTS of experience with that sort of thing? The way they implied it was that I was a young woman, but still? I guess 99% of those visiting there would be fine but maybe 1% wouldn’t be? Still though. Anyway I’d like to volunteer more. I need to learn to be comfy leaving the house first, maybe get my social anxiety under control a little more but I don’t need to be perfect because doing these things will help my issues. What else could I do? I donate to charities and have for years, sometimes I’ve had monthly deductions, sometimes I just donate on a whim. Like that fresh water one, I can’t remember the name off the top of my head but every few months I impulsively donate $100 or so. It’s not enough though, I should be better. I just get suss of the charities themselves and I don’t know how much actually goes to the cause, like I know they need to fund admin costs which makes sense but anyway. I just don’t have any skills, so other than vague stuff there’s not any real impact I can offer. Andy for example, he’s so talented and clever and creative, I bet he would have ways to make an impact. Like if he was to visit elderly people it would be SUCH a success as he’s so chatty and personable and kind and lovely and everything that’s good, so he would keep them entertained and ask the right questions. Whereas I’m not a talker so I would be awkward and quiet and they would have to lead the conversation and they likely don’t want that, unless I asked to be paired with chatty kathys of course. My nana was like that, you ask one question and she won’t stop talking for an hour. At least from memory, I don’t remember so well as I was littler. Hm. Anyway. I just feel like I’m a big time detractor of the world. That’s kind of a good villain name, The Detractor. Another way I can offer more is to be better, for example if I’m better then I don’t make Andy miserable which means he would feel more encouraged to live his life happily which would therefore positively affect everyone who comes into contact with him, which I know happens now anyway but maybe if he has a supportive loving girlfriend it will be even more so? Like I can be a lil battery for him, because I don’t really like interacting with others too much, or I do but I don’t like to be an active member, I like to listen and observe and chime in every now and then. None of this makes sense. But if I’m better then that has a positive effect on people around me. That’s what I’m trying to say. I’m always polite though, like if I take the bus I always say thank you when I hop off, I always say thank you when a waiter refills my drink or puts down my cutlery or whatever else. Even when I don’t want to talk at all and an Uber driver clearly does I will chat away even though my social battery is running on fumes because I don’t want them to feel rejected and maybe they need to chat, even if it’s about nothing. I always put supermarket trollies back into their homes. I never litter. I hold doors open for people, but only when it means they won’t have to do an awkward run for it because that’s not polite that’s annoying. So I think I’m polite, but a polite person does not make a good person - and I am not a good person. Or a worthwhile one.
So far this morning I have chatted to Andy, got up and made a strawbs smoothie, did a lil kitchen clean/tidy up, went back to lay on my bed but not IN bed and I read for a little bit, I journaled the bit up there and now I’m watching some YT. I’m really trying to stretch out my read time of this book, I’m excited to get into HP after this one but I also don’t want to let go of this world and these characters yet, even though it’s a reread. I’d like to have a productive day but I’m also going to let myself do whatever I fancy… I hope I fancy being productive.
I wound up reading/watching about those body and face types again, because a YT video came up as suggested. Anyway, so apparently you can be more yin or yang and I’m a definite yin. Yang is more angular, sharp and blunt whereas yin is soft, rounded and curved. I also feel like I’m a yin person, I was reading about that recently, I think I need to actively work to have more yang in my life in order to be more balanced? I mean these descriptors? Negative, passive, feminine, dark, cool, soft, reflective, still, calm, nurture, quiet, introspective, prefers solitude, cautious etc. Hellllllllllllo. Whereas yang is more embodied by words like active, light, warm, outgoing/sociable, masculine, direct, expressive, loud, restless, productive, growth, passion etc. Things that don’t really describe me. So I think maybe in that sense I’m imbalanced. It seems I’m imbalanced in everything, so that’s great. Excellent, even. I feel like Andy is 100% the yang to my yin. Maybe that’s a factor in why we work well? We balance each other? I think he has a mix of both though, he’s much more balanced. I was about to write “he’s perfect” but I am also a biased, love sick girl soooo… but I think we balance each other well, no? Anyway I’m reading more about yin vs yang and I definitely need more Yang in me because these are all yin:
Signs of “excess” in yin: * Oversleeping * Overthinking * Slow thinking * Sluggishness * Laziness * Compulsive behaviour * Lack of motivation * Apathy * Overeating :(
Versus yang that lists things like anger, restlessness, violence, frustration, inability to relax & let go, insomnia, addictions, need for constant stimulation, regular headaches etc.
And “personality traits” in yin: * imagination * peacefulness * wisdom (not for meee) * relaxation * satisfaction (?) * persistence (only with some things) * introversion
Versus yang that lists things like action, ambition, courage, adventurousness, extroversion, getting things done etc.
And “activities” for yin: * yoga * tai chi * slow walking * golf * qi gong * weight lifting * stretching
Versus yang that lists things like cardio, running, fast dancing, wrestling, hiking, swimming, biking etc.
Anyway I know this is all just one of those things, but also it makes total sense. But this reminds me of the therapy lesson where I learned I like these sorts of things, similar to the Myers Briggs thing etc, because I don’t really know who I am and so I find being grouped into a category really affirming and makes me feel less… outsidey. Which is a thing for me as I don’t easily click with people, I can get along fine with more or less anyone but I don’t genuinely enjoy the company of just anyone and I find it very difficult to be myself with just anyone, I have some form of a wall up with everyone bar a couple of people like my parents, Andy, M and K to an extent. But it also depends, if I don’t spend time with someone for awhile my walls go back up. It’s a huge reason why I don’t really enjoy social things, if it’s a one on one thing I can but in a group? Even with the girls from work who I know well, but I can’t relax and I don’t enjoy myself at all. I try to but I just feel like I’m outside of the bubble. But so anyway all that is why I gravitate towards these groupings of personality, even looks like the fact I was watching a video about face/body types which is why I started this paragraph. I like being able to see examples and do a quiz and find out I’m whatever and then seeing similarities in others who are in the group. It makes me feel included and less alone. It basically all comes down to the fact I always feel like I’m on the outside, of everything. I don’t feel included in anything really. Which comes back to my self esteem/self worth… or lack thereof. I’m wondering when I’m meant to be getting more of that btw, like WHEN? It’s the root of all my issues. Mostly.
I’ve been wondering if I should consider lightening my eyebrows… that sounds kinda crazy, well crazy in the land of eyebrow stuff, but idk. I have warm brown hair… but basically black eyebrows? It’s weird and I’ve always hated it. I know eyebrows always lean cooler than the hair on your head, so that’s natural, but idk, it’s just my hair is so warm and my brows so cool - it’s always irked me. I’ve never quite realised it was that though, I just always thought something was off, but I’m now starting to wonder if my brows should be ever so lightened. I never even thought of it as a potential solution til I saw some girl doing it and it gave her a much softer look. I know they also need to be darker by a shade or two, well they don’t NEED to be but that’s generally the natural look and I only want a natural result. So a deep brown? Because right now they’re damn near black. And I find the black jarring against my fair skin too, I like having dark brows - I would hate to have light/fair brows, and dark brows are supposedly wanted because they make the person with them appear younger, or rather fair brows can age a face. So I like that mine are dark… I just want them MAYBE a fraction lighter. But the idea scares me! Because if you bleach them then anything you add on top will likely lean super warm and idk. So idk how I’d even go about it. The woman I watched doing it on YT just used an at home bleach kit or something and she used it several times so I guess it won’t do much but still… I’m scared :(
I set up my new monitor!!!!!!!!!!! By myself!!!!!!! I know how tiny it is but I’m still so pleased with myself. I felt so embarrassed telling Andy, or less embarrassed and more silly/stupid I guess. Like it’s such a nothing thing but idk, I was nervous and I wrote out a step by step list to work through so I wouldn’t get overwhelmed and things while doing it. And when I say step by step I literally mean:

1. Unwrap the boxes and take each item out
2. Make sure to keep them in their own little areas and don’t mix them up
3. Clear my desk of everything
4. Clean my desk
5. Set up the new monitor with the stand
6. Place both monitors on the desk
7. Plug both monitors into power source
8. Put laptop on the desk
9. Put the HDMI connector usb into the laptop
10. Put one monitor HDMI cable into the laptop, as normal
11. Put the other monitor HDMI cable into the connecter
12. Connector should be connected to laptop with only one external HDMI a cable inside
13. Turn on my laptop and see if they all connect up - don’t stress if they don’t
14. Play around/google/ask Andy if any issues
15. Arrange my new desk! Try use the cable tidy things and make it nice.

So I mean, an absolute step by step. It didn’t cover all the steps as I forgot about the mouse parts and things. But anyway I did itttttt. I need to move the stuff around though because they’re too far apart but I’ll do that tomorrow. I also need to work out how to add an extra plug so I can charge my laptop too as there’s not enough plugs.
I asked him if he wanted to watch Bridg erton and I wish I hadn’t because he feels weird about it. I only asked because idk, wishful thinking? I want to watch it with him :( From season one, obviously. Idk I know he doesn’t want to so I won’t push it, but I want to show him shows I love too. I just like regency era stuff like this and idk. I shouldn’t have asked, now he thinks I want to watch with someone else? Like… who? I guess mum or M. But why get suss about that. Anyway. I guess I’ll watch it by myself, like I expected. I can’t wait for the music. And the costumes!!!!!!!! My favourite. Anyway idk. I just want to share things I love with him the way he does with me.. but maybe I just don’t like anything he’ll like?
I want the Laura Mercier strawberry blush a lot :( But I’m really trying to not buy makeup I don’t need and I already have 30-odd blushes which I don’t get enough use out of, including LM ones. But it’s such a pretty colour!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wish I had a trillion dollars so I could have all the colours and formulas my little heart desired. But also in saying that I love the idea of being one of those women who have one makeup bag and everything fits inside, and they have maybe one or two shades or blush/lip colour and the rest is just one. It seems so easy and simple and I would really like to be like that but I am definitely not like that at all. I’m slowly learning to be more like that with skincare because that’s how it should be, but makeup…? Even though I don’t wear a lot I just love having it and looking at it. Like I just swiped some highlighter on my hand the other day to look at how shimmery it was, I didn’t apply it to my face, I just had a tiny swipe on my hand and I’d just look at it now and then. I only do that with highlighter though obviously and I love shimmery glittery sparkly things. Mum has always called me a magpie for a reason.
He’s asleep. I miss him. I can’t wait til we live together and when he’s asleep and I’m not and I miss him I can just go snuggle in next to him for a while. But not too close, as he gets too hot. I also don’t want to wake him. The idea of him doing the same with me makes me feel like floating on a cloud. And the time he said he’d still cuddle me to sleep even when he was on a different sleep cycle to me??????? Still obsessed. I wonder if that was a turning point in when my feelings were developing? I know I already fancied the hell out of him, I did from the beginning and I fell so hard and so fast for him. But I wonder if when he said that it was one of those moments that cemented him as the kind of man he is? Or rather the kind of partner he’d be? Because I’ve always wanted someone that cares about what makes me happy and I mean let’s not beat around the bush, I’ve not had a relationship where that’s been a priority to them. So the fact he knows I love being held and cuddled and I would sometimes miss it when he slept differently but if I wanted it he’d come to bed and stay with me til I fell asleep or close enough. And the fact he didn’t see it as anything special, it was just a normal thought to him?! It’s such a minor thing in comparison to everything else he has done for me and everything he has been to me and everything he’s helped me through, but it’s just a little thing that means everything. Anyway.
I watched wish with M tonight, it wasn’t good. I just can’t get on board with the latest movies of theirs lately, they’re just so bleh. The music isn’t right - there’s nothing magical about it and I wonder if it’s because they seem to hire pop music people not composers and things now? And the animation is never 2D anymore, which tbh I understand and that’s purely nostalgia of mine than anything bad but the animation doesn’t feel magical either anymore. Apart from some of the scenes were beautiful. Anyway.
I think I’ll stop now. It’s 9:30 so it’s too late for to start BT so I think I’ll read for a lil bit then go to sleep soon. Night night

I (19F) have been dating my boyfriend (21M) for almost two years. We used to be long distance, and I’d take the bus to go visit him quite often (7-hour bus rides, often for just a weekend). After close to a year of dating, I chose to move to his city, alone. I was originally planning on going to university there anyways, but moved a year earlier and did online school.
I would have done anything for him. I was the type of girlfriend to jump in his arms and smile every time he walked through my door after work. I would big spoon him, kiss his forehead, tell him how amazing he is, how handsome he is and how much I love him. I would draw Valentine’s day cards, little cartoons of where we first met, or encouragement doodles before sporting events. I was also always available for sex and I have never once said no to him. I gave him blowjobs every, single, time. I would diet, buy expensive makeup, buy new clothes. I went shopping with my mom, spent 400$ of her money on Victoria’s Secret just so he’d think I’m attractive. I don’t think he has ever noticed.
Our sexual issues started when I moved (June 2023), the first time we were ever in the same city for over two weeks. At that time, I did not have any urge to masturbate and would prefer fulfilling my sexual desire with him. However, he was frequently turning me down and rarely initiating. I let him call me a bitch, a slut, even though I felt extremely uncomfortable with those terms. He wanted to come in my mouth, so I let him, but he just thrusted it in (using my mouth as a vagina), didn’t look at me, didn’t check up on me or offer my water afterwards.
He also started getting soft. Either he couldn’t orgasm because his dick would abandon midway through, or he’d come way too quick (before me, couldn't control it) and call it a day. Two weeks ago (the last time we had sex), I basically put my mouth on his dick for two seconds, he came, then left for work.
I knew that this was because of porn (he has been watching since he was 12). I’ve seen it in his search history. I’ve also found wet tissues, in my own house, after coming back from work (he waited for me to leave to jack off). I knew deep down that he was masturbating way more than he was having sex with me, that he preferred and prioritized porn over our relationship.
I’ve confronted him about this multiple times, telling him I feel extremely undesired, disgusting. He insists that he is going through a lot; his sex drive is low, he is tired. When mentioning porn, he’s laughed at me, "bruh"'d me, told me he doesn’t use it that often, and that our sexual issues are totally separate from his masturbation habits. He has tried painting me as a controlling girlfriend, even though I’ve always been clear on my position that it’s not a “private issue” if it seeps into OUR relationship and MY life. I was worried that I was being overdramatic. He also told me that our sex was “only for love” (whatever that means). He once told me “well, maybe if you did something different for once” (implying it was my fault and that our sex is boring). He has then apologized, said that it was out of anger.
So, on Halloween, we were on his phone together and his downloaded Only Fans leaks popped up. Damn, I balled my eyes out. He did not want to have sex with me but was constantly jacking off to all these women? He got soft for me but was purposefully downloading links so he could see specific girls naked. I felt disgusting, ugly, worthless. I used to think that most guys would have sex with a piece of cardboard if it was willing, but my own boyfriend did not even want me. He preferred porn over me. He preferred selfies of Only Fans models over a willing, real-life girl.
He cried, apologized profusely. Told me he would never hurt me again. How he didn’t know how horrible it made me feel. But now, he will stop for sure! I should trust him! He will change for me! He has self control! I had a hard time believing that it could be so sudden, so I often asked if he stopped. He reassured me multiple times over the past 199 days. I was extremely proud of him, so happy that he was FINALLY listening to me. But sometimes, when I’d mention it, he’d blame me for always looking at the past.
I had a gut feeling something was wrong, but never to this point.
So, what did I find out yesterday? Well, I found his Pornhub account, with the last login being 2 weeks ago. He lied about it, said it was his friend, but ultimately admitted it after a long battle.
Then, I found his SimpCity account and successfully logged in. He basically never stopped. He promised he would on October 31^st but bookmarked a post on November 2^nd (I would like to clarify that these are only bookmarks. It does not paint the full picture, as he was probably not bookmarking something new every single time).
In December, he bookmarked stuff almost every single day and kept lying about it. He’s bookmarked on his birthday, on Valentine’s day. In February, he went as far as to post on forums (one request, another providing photos and videos from a weird google images/mega dupe??? I forgot the name but he has an account on there too).
He has been lying and manipulating me this entire time, taking advantage of my faith in him, in my kindness and in my forgiveness. The SimpCity forum is extremely fucking hurtful. And the posts. And the lying.
To give you an example, he has spent the whole of last weekend with me, not initiating sex (we haven’t had sex since the blowjob incident I mentioned previously). BUT, as soon as he got home, he logged onto Simp City, jacking it to some random girl.
He said that he didn’t even think about me all of those times, he was just thinking about himself. How you claim to love someone but not think of how broken they are because of this exact action? He doesn’t remember me crying in front of him, begging him to desire me and to think I’m beautiful? He told me that porn is way easier than having sex, that sex is more difficult because you must consider the other person. How is getting your dick sucked and ejaculating prematurely difficult?!?!
We phoned for like 10 hours yesterday. He said that he wants to stop for real for real (frfr) now. He cried, the whole shtick (I have seen this multiple times before). He even came on this subreddit lol.
I do think that he feels sorry, but he is sorry because I found out. This would have gone on forever if I didn’t. I do think that he loves me, even if I have doubts. He basically held up this lie and manipulated me for almost 200 days. Looked me in the eye, told me how horrible porn is, how he thinks of me when he masturbates, how he doesn’t watch it anymore. But now, he says that porn has completely ruined his life and he wants to stop watching completely. He is going to look for help. I don't respect him anymore, I view him as a loser, as a basement dweller. I'm embarassed that I've sacrificed so much for THAT type of guy. I regret meeting him for all the pain he has caused me. But I don't want to leave. But I also don't trust him at all. Besides, it will be the same with another man, right?
I posted for three reasons. To you guys, I am begging you to think of your girlfriend (or your future girlfriend if you do not currently have one). Please do not treat a girl like this, you will break her soul, her confidence and her self-esteem in exchange for her love and unconditional support. That is not a fair trade-off. The second reason is that I want to understand his perspective from current or former porn addicts. Or just men in general. I am really trying to be empathetic, I just wish that he would give me that same respect. He needs to consider my emotions, no matter if I am not physically in the same room. Just because I don't know doesn't make it right. Third reason is that I just need to know, why??????!!!!!!!???????????