Brown phlegm in the morning

Sorry if this is a bit disjointed and long, there's a TL;DR at the end. I just had my LEEP on Thursday and wanted to share my experience. Hopefully this soothes a fellow over-thinker.
Background: 30 yr old female, 130 lbs, 5'2". No moderate, severe or chronic health conditions.
I was diagnosed with high-risk (HR) HPV with LSIL/abnormal cells in February of this year. Not 16/18, but another HR strain. I got at least one shot of the HPV vaccine before I turned 26 so I was really shocked at this. I had a complete emotional breakdown because of the connection to HPV and cervical cancer, plus I just felt....dirty. I've gone through my sexually active years without getting as much as a yeast infection, and now I had just been hit with an STI, and the one that causes cancer. I went into a pretty deep depression and honestly I'm still in that depression zone but not nearly as much. I did a ton of research and my findings told me that even if it was cancer, it's one of the most curable ones especially given my age, health, etc.
My primary doctor referred me to a gyno's office connected to the hospital I go to, and I scheduled an appointment for March 1st. Gyno (who was actually not an OBGYN but an APRN/midwife?) basically did a slightly more advanced exam/questionnaire then I got another referral to an actual OBGYN for a colposcopy and scheduled it for April 1st. I thought I would have the colpo/biopsy with the APRN during my March appointment but I guess that's just a "yeah your primary is right you need a colpo" step. Idk, very confusing.
April 1st comes, the doctor that was available for that date (I wanted to get this done asap) had some less than favorable reviews on the internet so that made me a little uneasy. Between each appointment I was spending hours researching, redditing, googling, youtubing etc. so I wouldn't go into this completely ignorant and hopefully minimize the chance of any BS being pulled.
My doctor was, to my surprise, very chill, professional and knowledgeable. Took time to answer all my questions, we even had some laughs. Please ladies, find a doctor that makes you feel comfortable if you can. No question is a silly question and no doctor or nurse should make you feel like you're stupid for raising concerns or asking a lot of questions. If you feel something is off or a doc is being an a-hole, that's your sign to GTFO and find another doctor. Pleasant staff make this experience so much better.
The colpo: wasn't that bad. They crack you open like a pistachio with a speculum (like they would use for pap smear) and take a look at your cervix with this scope. A vinegar solution is applied to highlight the abnormal cells. My doc's colpo machine did have a screen that could show me what he was seeing, although it wasn't working and honestly I'm glad. I think seeing what was going on inside of me would make me worry more. So I just had to take my doctor's word for it when he said the area of abnormal cells was small.
I had a punch biopsy done during my colpo and oh man. It hurt. I wasn't instructed to take ibuprofen beforehand. I'm not sure if they didn't think I would need a biopsy or what but holy crap. 2 samples were taken, at 12 o'clock and 6 o'clock on my cervix, and I received a curettage as well. The curettage didn't hurt or was minor in comparison to the biopsy. After the biopsy, a "liquid bandage" was applied, this bandage is called Monsel's solution I believe. It's a mustard yellow paste.
The biopsy caused immediate moderate cramping and pain. The "6 o'clock" one, which was a larger sample, made me flinch and let out a little yelp. 6 o'clock hurt a lot. I will say that my doctor talked about what he was going to do before doing or as he was doing it so it's not like I was taken entirely by surprise. However, you don't realize how sensitive your cervix is until a chunk is taken from it.
After the biopsy, I felt this dull pain, nausea and cramping and apparently had excessive bleeding. Dribbles of blood were present on the procedure chair and floor, some of which had been cleaned up by the nurse/assistant prior to me sitting up so who knows how much was there. Doc confirmed this excessive bleeding in my after visit summary, but it wasn't so much so that it warranted some kind of emergency. I experienced some spotting for about 2 to 3 days after. I expected more blood in my pads but that never happened. I think seeing all this blood, knowing where it came from and why it was there made me even more nauseous.
The nausea and...weakness after the biopsy really had me messed up. I could barely focus as my doctor went into detail about what to possibly expect afterwards, what he saw (he even drew a little picture of my cervix), answered any questions I had. We said our goodbyes, I got dressed and made a mad dash to the waiting area's water cooler. I figured some cool water would calm my nerves and my stomach. I stupidly walked home after the procedure (I live in Chicago, very close to my doc's office). Nothing terrible happened but in hindsight, what if I passed out in the office, in the street? If you can ladies, have someone with you to get you home safely and for support. Or, at the very least, take an uber after.
After getting home I checked my pad, everything was good although I did have some "coffee grounds" in my pad from the Monsel's solution. The doc warned me about this and to expect it for a few days. I crashed on my couch for a little nap before going to a concert later that evening because I don't know how to take a day off.
The next month following my biopsy was largely uneventful, I did have intercourse about 2.5 weeks post-biopsy with no issues or pain, although the thought of infection and the whole process made it hard to enjoy sex (I healed up just fine so this was more unnecessary worrying). I didn't experience any pain, fever, or excessive bleeding, only some mild discomfort/cramping/lethargy (likely due to mentally stressing myself out) on day 2. I did however, experience one moment that freaked me out:
Day 3 post-biopsy: I got home from after work (my job requires me to be on my feet most of the day) and felt something in my vagina. It felt like a freshly inserted, regular sized tampon. I went to the bathroom, washed my hands and reached down to feel something coming out of me. Something was crowning and breaching my labial gates. I reached back down and slowly pulled out whatever object was in me. It felt like a horror movie. I knew I had inserted nothing.
Based on the feeling of said object, I thought my cervix was falling out of my body. I started panicking a bit. Panicking intensified after pulling out this...sac.
It looked alien. It was this membrane sac, about the size of a pitted date when rolled up. Within the sac contained those "coffee grounds." I knew it was the Monsel's solution and likely I had shed the liquid bandage. That logical thought didn't stop me from freaking out and gently wrapping my alien sac Starbucks trash baby in a piece of toilet paper and further sealing this HPV caused abomination into a Ziploc bag. My plan was to run to the ER and show them the freak I had given birth to.
Problem is, I had just lost my is insurance and was in process of getting a new plan, so a costly trip to the ER, waiting for hours for them to likely tell me I'm a panicky idiot wasn't really in the cards. So what does any overly anxious patient do? Turn to Dr. Google of course! I found a couple of reddit posts from women who had experienced the same thing but there wasn't much information on what had just slithered out of me. I found one of those "pay $5 for any kind of advice: legal, medical etc! Chat with an expert today!" sites that seemed legit enough. I got in chat with a doc quickly after some AI pre-chat prompts and he confirmed my suspicions: it was the Monsel's solution that I had expelled from my body. I was told this wasn't unusual and so long as I don't have an excessive bleeding, fever, pain, blah blah, I should be fine.
And I was fine. If you experience this and don't have any accompanying complications, you should be fine too. It is weird when it happens though.
My results came back about 2 weeks later. What was initially thought to be LSIL turned out to be HSIL/CIN-III, and my OBGYN told me I needed a LEEP sooner than later. My appointment was scheduled for next month and I still didn't have insurance. These month long waits between appointments were anxiety ridden depression fests, fueled by junk food and further exacerbated by internet research. The LEEP posts on Reddit had me so concerned, I reached out to my doctor to see if I could be put under general anesthesia for my LEEP, instead of receiving local anesthesia. Women on here described LEEPs as painful and traumatic. Just awful stuff. If you're reading this you've likely read those too. They described leg shaking after the shots, crying, etc. My doctor left me a detailed voice message and responded to my concerns with: "most women tolerate it well but if you're uncomfortable we'll send you to the hospital and put you under monitored sedation/anesthesia." I was still worried but was willing to see how I felt after local anesthesia. I was pleased he was open to working with me and my comfort level.
Fast forward to Wednesday last week:
The night before my LEEP, I got maybe an hour of sleep. I couldn't turn my mind off. My heart started racing an hour before my procedure and I had weird heart palpitations/irregular heart beat. I showered to calm myself down and be clean for my appointment, took 600 mg of ibuprofen as instructed, then headed out. Got a little snack from Starbucks (croissant for before since I was walking to my doc and some madeleines for after to help offset some potential nausea). For my LEEP I wore a big comfy sweater, some "period" leggings (leggings that aren't too tight and I don't care if they get blood on them) and brought a pad with me just in case. They should provide one for you but I'd rather be prepared. Got to the office, checked in, did the pregnancy urine test, got called in quickly, went through the whole height/weight/med history routine. About 5 mins later I sat down in my OBGYN's office. He described the lab findings (CIN-III), detailed the procedure, the tools and supplies they would use, aftercare and answered any questions I had. He then led me into a procedure room (pretty sure it was the same one I had my bloody biopsy in). I got undressed from the waist down like a pap, sat in the procedure chair, draped a little paper blanket over my bare bits and waited. The doctor came in with his nurse and went to work.
They again cracked me open with a speculum, this time it was rubberized on some parts. This is so your vagina doesn't get fried from the electrical current, otherwise your pubes and vulva will look like Marv in Home Alone. They also slapped a little rubber pad on my thigh to "ground" me like I'm some kind heavy duty machinery. Colpo machine comes forward so the doc can zoom in on your cervix. He applied 2 types of solution if I recall correctly: the normal vinegar solution to highlight abnormal cells and an iodine solution to highlight normal cells. Someone can correct me if that's wrong. The solutions and their uses were the least of my concerns.
He then went in with 4 lidocaine injections to numb the area, total of about 1 ml of lido I think. He used a very small needle and upon insertion, it felt like a little pinch. Now, for those afraid of needles, it is a long ish needle but the actual poke is minimal. Although some women report that the inject was the worst part. That was not the case here but the visual can be a bit alarming. After the first injection, I didn't feel the other 3. I felt comfortable going forward with the procedure, and my doc kept checking in with me to make sure I was ok. I did feel an increase in my heart rate post-lidocaine, but it wasn't concerning. I wasn't sure if this was from the "holy shit he's about to start zapping" or as a side effect of the lidocaine. Regardless, my heart rate came back down to a reasonable level given the circumstances in a few minutes. I was actually so comfortable at this point, I managed to relax my asscheeks after they were clamped together like a vise grip from the moment my derriere hit the chair.
I'm not really sure what happened after the injections, I knew he was using the LEEP machine but I don't know how long that lasted and when the wound was being created vs. cauterized as I didn't feel anything except some mild cramping/discomfort. I didn't flinch like I did with the biopsy. When the doc was finished, he applied a little bit of Monsel's, described how much he removed, went over aftercare again, we said our thank yous and goodbyes. I got dressed and went on my way, snacking on my madeleines on my way home (I walked again lol). I felt well post-procedure and even stopped at Target to do some shopping and smell some summer collection candles. I did feel myself bleeding but when I got home and checked the pad, there was a minimal amount of blood. Some women here have reported a distinct burning smell during their LEEP, I didn't smell anything but I also have sinus issues soooo maybe I just didn't pick up on it? My appointment was at 9 a.m. and I was out by 9:32.
When I got home I had some orange juice, water then slept for about 8 to 9 hours. I did have little cry sessions here and there after my procedure. But I was also sleep deprived and know I tend to get emotional. Regardless, take some time off after a LEEP, stay home around your own germs if possible. Get some of your favorite snacks, a face mask and a Nintendo switch or something. This is a good time for some self-care and rest, girlies.
Friday, day after LEEP: no bleeding, minor cramping/discomfort.
Saturday: Usual morning pee met with some blood in the toilet paper. Nothing in my pad though. Throughout the day I slept on and off, I've been more tired than usual. My body and mind has gone through some shit so I'm not mad at myself for being sleepy. I did experience some heavier bleeding throughout the day that was mostly dark colored. The blood level was about the same if not less than what I'd experience with a period. No unusual smell. I did shed the liquid bandage. Did have some mild cramping at certain points during the day but not debilitating or worth taking ibuprofen over.
Sunday: Energy levels finally back up to something normal, don't feel as tired. Still bleeding dark red blood/brown discharge but it's minor. Ran some errands today, I figured gravity would cause me to bleed more but it's about the same as yesterday if not less.
If there's interest, I'll check in at maybe the 2 week and 4 week mark, or whenever I remember since this is my throwaway account.
Overall the LEEP was way better than the biopsy in my experience. Reddit had me freaking out. I know I'm lucky, and this post isn't to dismiss any terrible or painful experience other women have had. I want to share my 'positive' experience, since most of my mental state surrounding my diagnosis, fears, the upgrade from LSIL to HSIL, has been negative.
Oh and I did get insurance literally a week before my LEEP, thank God.
If you have any questions please feel free to ask them below!
TL;DR: -Colpo: easy -Biopsy: sucks. Most pain I've ever felt and felt nauseous/uneasy after. Ask your doctor if you can take ibuprofen prior to a biopsy. Monsel's solution/liquid bandaid came out in sac-like alien baby about 36 to 48 hours later. Was able to have intercourse 2-2.5 weeks post-biopsy. No insertion of anything for about 3 days after. -LEEP: easy-ish? 600 mg ibuprofen 1 hour before procedure. Anxiety inducing but once I was numbed with local anesthesia, I felt nothing except some mild cramping. The injection didn't hurt and caused no serious side effects. No smell. No excessive bleeding. Felt fine post-LEEP but did experience some bleeding. It's been less than a week so I'll update if anything spooky happens, if no updates then expect everything went fine. No intercourse/tampons/etc for 3 to 6 weeks.
Tips: -Prioritize self care throughout this experience especially. It'll help you stay calm and heal. -Dress comfy for procedures -Take some snacks and water to your appointments for post-procedure ick -Do your research. Knowledge is power even if it makes you uncomfortable. Youtube was a great resource for me, I like to see what's going to happen before it does. Just try not to get worked up like I did. -Ask questions. If a doctor makes you feel stupid, see another doctor if possible. -Have someone with you for support and to make sure you get home ok -If you experience fever, intense pain, soaking through pads, or notice any weird smell: GO TO A DOCTOR

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Hi I’m Hannah people call me storm tho
Lesbian 🌈don’t hurt em now but you know I gotta love the ladies-
N e ways 17 years old babyyyy🤭turn 18 in almost 2 months
Ages preferred 16-19 plssss
I love listening to music it’s my life my god😩basically every genre too fav atm is kpop,pop,and jazz
Favorite artists at the moment is Chase Atlantic,Taylor swift,dreamcatcher,Vera Lynn, Kane brown, Alec Benjamin etc..
I’m too hyper for my own good and affectionate sorry if it makes you uncomfy it’s just apart of me the more I get used to you the more compliments and attached I will be goshhhh I really want someone thoughhh
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Boxing/wresting fanatic too I start classes soonnnn
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Roblox while face time??oh my godddd we literally have too or we could play mine craft and build our beds next to one another🤭🤭
I have other socials so if we hit it off I definitely would like to move to any other social
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Good morning and goodnight texts:) even though I wake up at 11am I just won’t miss-
selfies of everything going on in my life don’t you love a active queen?-
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Spotify playlist buddies?i will make a playlist for you it’s like a must have in just like that-
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And since it’s hard for some people to read lemme put it in bold letters
MEN DO NOT INTERACT I PREFER FEMALES/ DONT SEND JUST HEY INTRODUCE YOUR SELF HUN📍
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Hope to get to know you mate!!💞💞

Hey everyone, hope all is well! It's my first time selling here! Tried to put together some really dope stuff so I hope y'all enjoy! Get at me for more info or if looking for something specific!
All Records Individually Priced And Graded Below. Please Message Or Comment To Purchase.
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-Graded Vinyl/Cover-
Cannonball Adderley And His Orchestra - African Waltz 1961 OG Sealed M/NM $40
Dorothy Ashby - Afro-Harping 2022 RE Sealed M/M $65
Louis Armstrong - Louis Armstrong Meets Oscar Peterson 1960 OG NM/NM $80
Azymuth - Telecommunication 2022 RE Sealed M/M $28
Ron Carter - All Blues 1974 OG Sealed M/M $48
Bobby Caldwell - Bobby Caldwell 1978 OG EX/SVG $42
Miles Davis - Porgy And Bess 1977 RE NM/NM $16
Miles Davis - In Person, At The Blackhawk 1973 RE VG+/NM $16
Miles Davis Sextet - Someday My Prince Will Come 1961 VG+/NM $100
Miles Davis - Seven Steps To Heaven 1963 OG SVG/VG+ $28
Alain Goraguer - La Planète Sauvage (Fantastic Planet OST) 2014 EX/NM $48
Johnny Hammond - The Prophet 1973 OG NM/VG+ $10
Al Hirt - Soul In The Horn 1967 OG $22
Steve Marshall - Do What You Will 1978 VG+/VG- $850
Jimmy McGriff - Black And Blues 1972 OG Sealed M/M $48
The Randy Weston Trio - Get Happy With The Randy Weston Trio 1956 VG-/G+ $10
Chet Baker - Baker's Holiday 1965 OG Looks VG- Plays VG/VG+ Cover $45
Chet BakeChristopher Mason - Silent Nights 1986 OG VG+/VG $58
Tony Bennett - The Tony Bennett Bill Evans Album 1975 OG EX/VG+ $16
Miles Davis - Kind Of Blue 2017 EU Blue Vinyl Sealed M/M $18
Paul Desmond - Summertime 1969 OG NM/VG+ $12
The Gil Evans Orchestra - Into The Hot 1974 RE VG+/VG+ $15
Gil Evans And His Orchestra - America's #1 Arranger 1961 RE NM/G+ $7
The Gil Evans Orchestra - Little Wing (Live In Germany) 1982 RE VG+/SVG $5
Buddy DeFranco Quintet - Cooking The Blues 1958 OG VG+/VG $20
Grant Green - Easy 1978 OG VG/SVG $5
Bobby Hutcherson - Now! 1970 OG Looks G+ Plays VG-/VG+ Cover $36
Thelonious Monk - Monk's Moods 2016 EU Sealed M/M $18
Gary McFarland /Gabor Szabo - Simpático G+/VG+ $8
Joe Pass - Virtuoso #2 1977 OG G+/VG+ $5
Lonnie Smith - Think! 1968 OG G+/SVG $10
Gabor Szabo - The Best Of Gabor Szabo 1968 OG EX/EX $12
B.B. King - The Electric B.B. King 1968 OG VG+/VG+ $15
B.B. King - B.B. King In London 1971 OG EX/EX $20
Lil Green - Romance In The Dark 1971 OG VG/G+ $3
John Lee Hooker - The Best Of John Lee Hooker 1962 RE VG+/VG+ $20
Taj Mahal - The Natch'l Blues 1970 RE NM/NM $18
Taj Mahal - Recycling The Blues & Other Related Stuff 1972 OG EX/EX $15
Taj Mahal - Mo' Roots 1974 OG VG+/VG+ $10
Taj Mahal - Music Keeps Me Together 1975 Canada OG NM/EX $15
Various - The Mike Raven Blues Show 1966 UK OG NM/EX $10
Jimmy Reed - T'aint No Big Thing But He Is... 1963 OG G+/VG+ $4
Johnny Guitar Watson - A Real Mother For Ya 1977 OG VG/VG+ $5
Muddy Waters - The Best Of Muddy Waters 2015 RE Europe VG+/NM $18
Muddy Waters - The London Muddy Waters Sessions 2016 RE NM/NM $24
The Bluesmen Of The Muddy Waters Chicago Blues Band - Volume 2 1968 OG VG/G $15
Muddy Waters - Muddy Mississippi Waters Live 1979 OG Looks VG Plays SVG/VG+ Cover $12
Muddy Waters - Hard Again 1977 OG NM/EX $25
Brian Auger's Oblivion Express - Second Wind 1972 Germany VG/VG+ $12
David Buckland & Blackjack Davey - This One's For You 1981 OG EX/NM $28
The Dean Davis Company - IInd Time Around 1969 OG SVG/SVG (Signed) $90
Les Claypool's Fearless Flying Frog Brigade - Live Frogs Set 1 & 2 2020 RE Green Splatter Vinyl NM/NM $45
Faces - Ohh La La 1973 OG SVG/VG+ $15
Phil Flowers - Alpha And Omega 1973 OG VG+/VG+ $80
Franciscan Sisters - Joy 1962 VG+/VG+ $24
Harumi - Harumi 1968 OG VG/VG+ $50
José José - Vive 1974 OG VG+/VG+ $20
Elias Rahbani - Mosaic Of The Orient (Näi, Buzuk & Guitar) 1972 Lebanon OG VG+/NM $150
Middle Tennessee State University- Rimusic III NM/NM 1983 $78
Peanut Butter Conspiracy - For Children Of All Ages 1969 OG VG+/NM $29
Primus - Sailing The Seas Of Cheese 2013 RE M/NM $38
Primus - Pork Soda 2009 RE NM/NM $48
Primus - Antipop 2019 RE Clear Blue Vinyl NM/NM $58
Primus - Primus & The Chocolate Factory With The Fungi Ensemble 2014 Brown Vinyl EX/NM $20
Big L - The Big Picture 2019 2LP RE Clear w White Smoke NM/NM $90
D.I.T.C. - The Official Version 2000 Sealed OG M/M $42
De La Soul - 3 Feet High And Rising 2023 RE Magenta Vinyl Sealed $22
Ben Harper - Fight For Your Mind 2015 RE Red/Green 2LP EX/NM $45
Evelyn "Champagne" King - Smooth Talk 1977 RE VG+/VG+ $5
Kool And The Gang - The Force 1977 OG NM/VG $8
Kool & The Gang - Celebrate! 1980 VG+/EX $6
Kool & The Gang - Emergency 1984 OG EX/VG+ $4
Gloria Jones - Windstorm 1978 OG NM/SVG Signed $28
Al Kooper / Shuggie Otis - Kooper Session 1969 OG VG/VG $14
Method Man/Redman - Blackout! 1999 Europe OG Disc 1: VG+ Disc 2: VG / VG+ Cover $45
The New York Community Choir - Reachin' Out 1982 OG EX/NM $20
Malo - Malo 1972 OG VG/VG+ $10
Malo - Evolution 1973 OG Looks VG- Plays VG / VG+ Cover $6
Malo - Dos 1972 OG VG+/VG+ $7
Sun Ra - Astro Black 1973 OG VG+/VG+ $30
Anita Baker - Rapture 1986 OG NM/VG+ $20
D. J. Rogers - It's Good To Be Alive 1975 OG VG-/VG+ $5
Al Gee - Rap N' Rhythm (Programs #233 - 236) 1975 OG VG+/VG+ $15
The Hesitations - The New Born Free 1968 OG NM/NM $12
Syl Johnson - Back For A Taste Of Your Love 1973 OG SVG/SVG $14
Syl Johnson - Total Explosion 1975 OG VG+/VG+ $14
Various - Rosko's Evergreens Back On The Scene 1964 VG/VG+ $4
The Stylistics - Round 2 1972 OG VG+/NM $8
Johnnie Taylor - Super Taylor 1974 OG EX/VG+ $7
Johnnie Taylor - Rated Extraordinaire 1977 OG VG+/NM $6
Johnnie Taylor - Ever Ready 1978 OG EX/NM $7
The Temptations - Live At The Copa 1968 OG VG/VG+ $4
The Temptations - Wish It Would Rain 1968 OG VG+/VG+ $10
Stevie Wonder - Talking Book 1981 Spain RE NM/VG+ $15
Stevie Wonder - Talking Book 1973 OG EX/VG+ $24
Stevie Wonder - Original Musiquarium 1982 White Label Promo VG/SVG $18
Clarence Carter - The Dynamic Clarence Carter 1969 Sealed M/EX $20
Ray Charles - From The Pages Of My Mind 1986 OG VG+/NM $6
Sammy Davis Jr. - Sings What Kind Of Fool Am I And Other Show-Stoppers 1962 RE M/NM $12
Sammy Davis Jr. - Salutes The Stars Of The London Palladium 1964 OG VG/EX $4
Cat Anderson - Ellingtonia 1962 VG-/VG $2
Duke Ellington - Ellington Indigos 1989 RE NM/NM $12
Duke Ellington - The Early Duke Ellington 1968 OG Sealed M/NM $6
Duke Ellington - This Is Duke Ellington 1971 OG Sealed M/NM $8
Duke Ellington & Teresa Brewer - It Don't Mean A Thing If It Ain't Got That Swing 1981 RE NM/VG+ $5
Louis Armstrong - Louis Armstrong & Duke Ellington 1965 RE VG+/VG+ $8
Dizzy Gillespie - 16 Rare Performances 1966 RE VG+/EX $8
Billie Holiday - The Billie Holiday Story 1972 2LP VG+/VG+ $14
Baby Ray - Where Soul Lives 1967 OG Sealed M/NM $10
Django Reinhardt - Django Reinhardt 1967 OG VG+/VG $7
Don Redman And His Orchestra - For Europeans Only 1983 Denmark NM/NM $12
Charlie Parker And His Orchestra - Night And Day 1960 RE VG/VG $8
Ernestine Anderson - When The Sun Goes Down 1985 OG NM/EX $8
George Benson - Breezin' 1976 VG+/VG+ $5
Art Blakey - Gretsch Drum Night At Birdland 1960 OG VG/VG $10
The Dave Brubeck Quartet - Bossa Nova U.S.A. 1963 OG SVG/VG+ $7
Kenny Burrell - Handcrafted 1978 OG VG/VG+$8
The Eddie Costa Quartet - Guys And Dolls Like Vibes 1958 OG VG/VG+ $5
Keith Jarrett - The Köln Concert 1975 OG VG/VG+ $10
John Klemmer - All The Children Cried VG+/VG+ $8
Les McCann Ltd. - Live At Shelly's Manne-Hole RE NM/VG+ $5
The Modern Jazz Quartet - The Last Concert 1975 OG EX/VG+ $6
The Modern Jazz Quartet - The Atlantic Years 1973 VG+/VG+ $6
Johnny Smith - Phase II 1968 OG Sealed M/M $20
Carlos Santana / Alice Coltrane - Illuminations 1974 OG NM/EX $12
Weather Report - Mr. Gone 1978 OG VG+/VG+ $9
Weather Report - Heavy Weather 1977 OG EX/EX $12
Weather Report - Night Passage 1980 OG EX/VG+ $6
AC/DC - Back In Black 1980 OG VG/VG $14
The Beatles - The Beatles (White Album) 2018 RE New $25
Alice Cooper - Alice Cooper's Greatest Hits 2018 EU New $16
The Doors - The Doors 2009 RE New $20
Eagles - Hotel California 2017 EU RE New $18
Eagles - One Of These Nights 1975 OG VG/G+ $4
The Jimi Hendrix Experience - Are You Experienced? 1980s RE VG+/VG- $15
Jimi Hendrix - The Cry Of Love 2014 RE New $16
The Jimi Hendrix Experience - Smash Hits 2016 RE New $16
Led Zeppelin - Untitled IV 2023 RE New Clear Vinyl New $19
Led Zeppelin - Houses Of The Holy 1977 RE VG+/G+ $16
Led Zeppelin - Physical Graffiti 2015 RE New $24
The Rolling Stones - Flowers 1967 Taiwan Unofficial Red Vinyl VG/VG $20
The Rolling Stones - Their Satanic Majesties Request 1968 Taiwan Unofficial Red Vinyl G+/VG $8
The Rolling Stones - Some Girls 1978 OG VG/VG+ $10
The Rolling Stones - Emotional Rescue 1980 OG SVG/VG- $5
The Rolling Stones - Aftermath Taiwan Unofficial Red Vinyl VG/VG $20
Depeche Mode - Memento Mori 2023 New $22
Bob Dylan - New Morning 1970 OG VG+/VG+ $8
Molly Hatchet - Flirtin' With Disaster 1979 OG VG+/VG+ $6
Heart - Bad Animals 1987 OG NM/NM $8
Jerry Lee Lewis - Southern Roots 1973 OG Sealed M/M $10
The Oak Ridge Boys - Fancy Free Signed 1981 OG VG+/VG+ $8
Dolly Parton - Heartbreaker 1978 OG Sealed M/NM $14
Dolly Parton - Just Because I'm A Woman 1976 OG Sealed M/NM $12
Iron Butterfly - Sun And Steel 1975 OG EX/VG+ $7
Uriah Heep - Salisbury 1971 Germany RE VG/VG+ $7
Jefferson Airplane - The Worst Of Jefferson Airplane 1970 OG VG/VG+ $3
Steely Dan - Can't Buy A Thrill 1972 White Label Promo VG/G $50
The Smashing Pumpkins - Cyr 2020 OG Purple Vinyl New $20
Bruce Springsteen - Chapter And Verse 2016 OG New M/NM $12
Robin Trower - Caravan To Midnight 1978 OG SVG/SVG $5
(Not Pictured)
Obituary - Slowly We Rot 2019 RE France Red Vinyl NM/NM $18
Showbiz & A.G. - Soul Clap EP Promo VG/GEN $28
Earth, Wind & Fire - The Best Of Earth, Wind & Fire Vol. 1 2017 EX/EX $12
Le Pamplemousse - Le Spank 1977 OG (Signed) VG+/VG $18
Ultimate Spinach - Ultimate Spinach 1968 Taiwan Red Vinyl VG/VG+ $16
100 Proof Aged In Soul - 100 Proof VG/VG $12
Peter Brown - Do Ya Wanna Get Funky With Me? 1977 RE EX/EX $8
Lamont Dozier - Black Bach 1974 OG SVG/NM $9
Lonnie Liston Smith - Love Is The Answer 1980 OG VG+/VG+ $18
Lonnie Liston Smith - A Song For The Children 1979 OG VG+/VG+ $8
Stan Getz - Captain Marvel 1975 OG White Label Promo EX/SVG $14
Stan Getz - The Melodic Stan Getz 1965 OG NM/VG+ $5
Stan Getz - What The World Needs Now - Plays Bacharach And David 1968 OG EX/NM $8
Stan Getz - Another World 1978 OG NM/VG+ $10
Wes Montgomery - The Best Of Wes Montgomery 1967 OG VG/VG+ $5
Charli Persip And Superband - In Case You Missed It 1985 Italy OG NM/NM $8
Oscar Peterson - Oscar Peterson 1965 OG SVG/NM $4
Oscar Peterson - Stéphane Grappelli Quartet Vol. 1 1973 France OG NM/EX $8
Don Shirley - Tonal Expressions 1955 OG SVG/VG+ $8

Hiii!! Did you stop scrolling??
Did I catch your eye?
Well then let’s not waste time continue to read and let me give you a quick run down of me yeah? 😅
Hi I’m Hannah people call me storm tho
Lesbian 🌈don’t hurt em now but you know I gotta love the ladies-
N e ways 17 years old babyyyy🤭turn 18 in almost 2 months
Ages preferred 16-19 plssss
Lookin for friends and maybe more??idk-
I love listening to music it’s my life my god😩basically every genre too fav atm is kpop,pop,and jazz
Favorite artists at the moment is Chase Atlantic,Taylor swift,dreamcatcher,Vera Lynn, Kane brown, Alec Benjamin etc..
I’m too hyper for my own good and affectionate sorry if it makes you uncomfy it’s just apart of me the more I get used to you the more compliments and attached I will be goshhhh I really want someone thoughhh
Pls don’t ghost me I’m looking for longterm so if that’s not you kindly scroll :pp
Watching soccer Warning you will get sick of me gushing over emily sonnet and Leah Williamson-
I’m flirty so if it makes you uncomfortable please tell me and I won’t do it im respectful of boundaries 🫡
Boxing/wresting fanatic too I start classes soonnnn
Abit of a hopeless romantic-
Roblox while face time??oh my godddd we literally have too or we could play mine craft and build our beds next to one another🤭🤭
I have other socials so if we hit it off I definitely would like to move to any other social
I have a quest and xbox so if you have any games that you’d recommend I’m always open
Queen of yapping I text a lot like a lot a lot so I need someone on my level
Definitely want someone to fall asleep with on face time like damnnnn I just want a connection
Mixing languages im so sorry it’s a habit learning 5 different languages will get me that way
Good morning and goodnight texts:) even though I wake up at 11am I just won’t miss-
selfies of everything going on in my life don’t you love a active queen?-
The most extroverted introvert you’ll ever meet I’m alittle to hyper but I promise I’ll try not to be annoying lol
I have a kitten named Batman and a dog named queen I love animals so if you have one please share pics!!
Spotify playlist buddies?i will make a playlist for you it’s like a must have in just like that-
Weird nicknames and random meme sends will be a thing
Learning languages,drawing,dancing,singing,getting dem gains-,and reading is my spare time favorite
Im open minded
I live in Louisiana
TW:chaos
Universe and star facts I love geography bubsss
I’m chaotic ok? Hope you can handle abit of chaos sorry for future friends
I really want to get friends to play games like roblox with me or just talk on the phone
I prefer females friends more so sorry males :((I find it easier to connect with females heh
No creeps man or nsfw (do I even need to explain?😃🤨)
And since it’s hard for some people to read lemme put it in bold letters
MEN DO NOT INTERACT I PREFER FEMALES/ DONT SEND JUST HEY INTRODUCE YOUR SELF HUN📍
Conversation starters: What’s your favorite animal and why? If you could have any power for 24hours what would it be? (Send pet pictures) Ask me anything
Sorry for all the yapping
Hope to get to know you mate!!💞💞

I am basically brand new to creative writing, having not written anything since I was a teenager. I've recently felt a spark to start writing again. I'm hoping for some honest critiques so I can know what I have to improve on. What do you think? Are you interested to read the rest or is it awful? Thank you!!
This is an excerpt from a short story. For some context, the MC is living in modern times, gets lost while driving home, her car dies and she ends up walking to look for help. She winds up here...
"Words escape me as I take in the woman in front of me. She is dressed in a floor length navy blue gown reminiscent of sometime in the 17th century. My eyes shift behind her… a fire is lit in a hearth. Next to a window on the far side are a table with two chairs. And seated in one of them is a man, who by this point is beginning to stand up and make his way to the door as well. The way their faces looked when they looked at me was similar to how I imagine my own face looked. Pure, undiluted confusion. I shake my head and tried to find words. “Who are you?” Demanded the man as he approached. “I… I’m lost.. I.. my car broke down a couple of miles down the road.. I just need a phone so I can call for help..I..” I spluttered. “Are you okay, miss?” The woman asked with concern in her face. “I’m not sure, to be honest.” Their gazes shift from confusion to concern to suspicion as they take in the sight of me. While they are dressed for a renaissance faire, I’m sporting a thigh length floral print dress with a denim jacket. “Who are you?” The man demands again. “My name is Millie… I work just down the road at the James River Elementary School… I’m just trying to get home. Do you have a phone I could use, please? I need to call for help.” “Phone?" He glances at his wife, motioning for her to move away from the doorway, "Miss, I haven’t a clue what you speak of…” Who on earth doesn’t know what a phone is? I can’t be so far out of town that I’m talking to people who are that out of touch. I begin to explain but think better of it. “Miss, please come with me..” He dons a long brown jacket over his off-white cotton shirt and steps out the door past me, motioning for me to follow. Something about following a strange man, wearing historical clothing, down a dark path through the woods feels very wrong at this moment, but I don’t see a way out of it. So I follow for several quiet minutes until we come upon another building, slightly larger than the house we just came from. This one also has a thatched roof, with smoke billowing out of a chimney. The man opens the door and holds it for me, motioning me forward. I go. “Good evening, constable…” He says to a man seated at a wooden table. He has a piece of old looking paper and a feather quill in front of him, along with an ancient looking mug. This is all beginning to feel like a fever dream. I’m almost too confused to feel the fear that continues to build inside me. “Who is this here, Thomas?” He says to the man, eyeing me with suspicion. “She just showed up at our doorstep. She’s been mutterin’ on about needin’ help… talkin’ all kinds of nonsense about something called a…” He turns to me and says “What did you say, miss…?” “My car broke down a few miles down the road… I walked here, I can’t find my phone, I just need some help getting home…” I say with urgency. “All I need is to make a phone call and I’ll be out of your way…” “That was it.. phone? See, speakin’ nonsense, sir. I figured it best to bring her here.” The man, Thomas, says. “I see.. I see.” The constable rubs his temples as if exasperated and stands up, the chair scraping against the wooden floor as he pushes it back. “I’ll take it from here, Thomas. I thank ya. You’ll best be on your way.” At that, Thomas turns on a heel and walks back out the door the way we came. The constable takes a firm hold of my upper arm and leads me to a barred cell. “What is this?” I demand, beginning to panic. “Miss, I will not take the chance of witchery here. It’s my job as constable to keep the citizens of Jamestown safe, and I intend to do so. You’ll stay here til the morning, when Justice Stoughton will see ya.” He had a thick accent, English I think. It was like a light bulb in my mind suddenly flashed bright. The lack of traffic, the buildings, the historical clothing and weird speech… the confusion when I told them I needed my phone. Either at some point from the time I left work until now, I traveled back in time to early Virginia… or I’m dreaming. I resolve that the only thing that makes sense is that I’m dreaming. And I’d like to wake up now. At some point in the night, I fall asleep. As I sit leaning against the cold wall of the cell, the adrenaline from the evening wears off a bit. I can’t help but feel utter exhaustion, which eventually gives way to sleep. Several hours later, I wake with a start, confused about where I am. My body aches from sleeping sitting up. I glance over to the window and notice that the dark is giving way to dawn and the birds are beginning to sing. I rub my eyes, hardly able to believe that this nightmare hasn’t ended yet. I hear footsteps approaching. The constable fumbles with a set of large keys as he searches for the one to my cell. Once he manages to unlock it, he sets a piece of bread and a metal mug on the floor near the door with a clunk. I didn’t realize until this moment that I am absolutely ravenous. A crusty piece of bread off the floor doesn’t sound appetizing but at this very moment I will take what I can get. I reach over to retrieve my fare. I quickly eat the bread and take a gulp from the mug."

I currently wash my hair about every other morning. My hair is naturally dark brown with blonde and caramel highlights, and straight as a pin. It’s also fine and without daily usage of dry shampoo, it will look greasy af by the second morning after washing it.
I started using the Honey I Washed the kids shampoo bar this week, and I think it’s been a good shampoo for my hair type so far. I’ve read that LUSH shampoos can be pretty stripping and drying, so I’ve only used it twice so far and both times I also followed it up with Redken Extreme conditioner and Redken Extreme anti-snap leave in conditioner to make sure my hair wouldn’t get too dry. I also opted to use Redken Extreme shampoo when I washed it on Saturday to give my hair a break in case it was too much.
I guess now I’m just trying to see if there’s any other LUSH shampoos or conditioners I should consider using, or if I should stick with just the Honey I Wash the Kids shampoo bar and Redken Extreme conditioners. I do have a sample of the Power conditioner, so I was thinking about giving that a try with the shampoo bar when I go to wash my hair this Tuesday.

Cross posting from chart stalkers as this community likely has more experience …
Essentially - i had an ABUNDANCE of EWCM this morning . 18 days after I took mife and miso. It was tinged brown and a much larger amount than i usually pass when I ovulate.
I’ve had no real drop in temps, and still have HCG in my system. Full story below!
Has anyone else experienced this?
I am posting after my MMC at the start of the month. baby was seven weeks but I was measuring six and the fetal heart rate was low at my first scan. when I went back for a second scan there was no fetal pole so was prescribed miso.
I took that vaginally on May 2 and passed everything that evening. I had a scan that showed everything had passed. I bled for a week and spotted for another week. My temps have been high and don’t seem to have dropped much.
This morning I passed a huge clump of EWCM. It was tinged brown and more than I’ve ever passed before.
My hCG was 49,000 when I found out about the miscarriage. last week on Thursday it was down to 55 - being 3 days on from that today I assume it could be 12-20ish, I’m going to go for another draw tomorrow (Monday).
Does this mean that I’m ovulating? I don’t think I’m going to be able to come confirm with Temp being perfectly honest I’ve had a couple of glasses of wine at since the miscarriage including a couple of glasses last night, so I have to disregard some temps.
I’m very eager to get back to trying due to my age (37) I was hoping to catch ovulation before my period but temps and CM don’t seem to be aligning ?
I also just bought Inito it arrives today so I’m hoping that gives me more insight than regular temping / OPK/ CM checking.
Any insight would be helpful!
Love to all that have been through/ going through this.

Had my previous car (Fiesta) stolen and decided I wanted to replace it with something I've always wanted: in this case a 2010 Giulietta 1.4 TB Multiair 170hp on 63k miles...
Fell in love with it and can really see what people mean about Alfas, I've done 2k miles since mid April when I bought it and it hasn't skipped a beat. So, had it just over a month and then last night this happened:
Smelled quite hot for a few mins on the motorway before I noticed the temp gauge nearly at the top, then just as I pulled over the high coolant temp warning light came on...
Turned the engine off immediately, open the bonnet and LOADS of brown sludgy coolant has spilled out from the expansion tank cap itself and gone EVERYWHERE. 😭
Got recovered home and checked it out this morning, no coolant in the tank and the liquid itself smells like exhaust fumes. There doesn't appear to be a loss of oil or coolant in the oil but am I right in assuming the worst and it's a head gasket? 😔
Honestly gutted if so but luckily the garage I bought it from 10 mins down the road sold it with warranty and I'm taking it in first thing tomorrow 🤞 Any thoughts? Is the head likely to be warped? Should I trade it for another Fiesta? 🤣

[First] [Previous] [Next]
Edited by WaveOfWire
- - - - -
Two days… It had been two days that Tracy had gone to sleep while Harrison was working, only to come back in the morning to see him still in the workshop. She knew he was damn productive, sure, but that really couldn’t be healthy. Apparently, it had something to do with the weird bowl of orange… soup… that Cera gave him. No way was it just caffeine; any amount of the stuff would have been filtered out of his system by now. He mentioned a tingling feeling too…
Damn, she did not know enough about drugs to even start assuming what that massive alien had Harrison fucked up on. At least the scanner said he was ‘fine’—if you ignore the other glaring issues the machine brought up. Plus, he said he didn’t mind it. Either way, he managed to complete the weaving component and a few other electrical backbones of the fabricator last night, so the project was practically done, and after seeing the engineer work himself half to death, she was dead-set on finishing it.
She was currently tits-deep into the upper manufacturing portion of the towering machine. It took a tall step-stool—on top of the nearby desk—for her to push her small shoulders through the even smaller access panels high on the everything-printer. It was difficult to fit her torso in, but she managed, holding a flashlight between her teeth as she fiddled with a stubborn series of mechanical ‘hands.’ Nothing new. The situation reminded her of the ‘shop back on Mars; it had the same ever-present scent of copper and industrial sealant. All that was missing was her dad’s ancient tunes blasting through some shitty speakers… Hold on…
The modular component in her grip was successfully attached with a resonating thock. Tracy squirmed out of the dim wire-filled crevice, trying her best to not rip her only tank-top on any bolts or corners, and getting a face-full of the bright flood-lights illuminating the workshop. She scowled and blocked out the searing light with a hand, but she was a bit too late to avoid going half-blind.
“Are the mechanical manipulators in?” Harrison grunted, poking his head out underneath the printer’s floor-adjacent maintenance hatch. She looked down at him as she tried to blink off the spots in her vision. His hair was messy, barely kept in line by his habit of combing through it with his fingers. The areas around his eyes were dark and sunken… Guess that’s what two all-nighters did to a man. He’d be seeing the hat man or start hallucinating if he didn’t get any sleep soon… but then again, the two of them were so close to finishing the fabricator…
“You bet.” She gave him a thumbs up, slamming the panel cover closed. “Feel free to test it.”
He nodded and slid back underneath the machine. “Gotcha”
She gently stepped off the stool and slid off the side of the desk, stretching herself out. If her piss-poor sitting posture or her tank-top puppies hadn’t already fucked her spine up, bending over backward to build this fabricator sure as hell would. She sat down next to the panel where Harrison resided, resting her back against the fabrication tower. Her excited voice broke the muffled noises of the engineer’s work. “So… Harrison?”
“Hmm—”
“—Mind if I play some music?”
The sounds from the hatch stopped, followed by his muffled, shocked tone echoing from beneath the fabricator. “You have music!?”
She smirked at seeing the expression on his face when his head popped out again. “I sure do… Did you seriously not download any to your data pad?”
He slipped out from beneath the fabricator fully, huffing as he took a knee beside her. The scent of melded rubber, wire, and his liquid labor reached her nose not-so-unpleasantly. “You would not believe how much of a pain it is to repair an entire barracks without it… So, yeah, I didn’t.”
“Sooooooooo, whatcha wanna listen to? I’ve got almost everything on here—besides the super niche, of course.” She pulled her data pad out, swiping to the massive music folder
“You wouldn’t like the kinda music I listen to; It’s ancient.”
She gave him a lighthearted, annoyed glare. “Welcome to the club… Now what’ll it be?”
“It’s Old Earth kind of ancient… but alright” He looked up at the ceiling in thought, lips pursed. “Do you have anything from Styx or Sweet?”
She stared at him incredulously, her smirk turning into a fully-fledged smile. “Oh my God. You are an absolute dork! You actually listen to Golden Age music?”
His brows raised, accusatory. “And you somehow know exactly who those bands were and what age of Old Earth music they came from?”
She smugly leaned in closer. “That’s because I’m just as much of a nerd with that kinda music as you apparently are.” She quickly looked upward, addressing the workshop AI. “Sebas, connect nearby speakers to my data pad’s audio.” Tracy elbowed the engineer lightly as the PA system chirped its affirmation. “Now, Mr. Golden Age music, which albums do ya want me to queue up?”
- - - - -
The two of them listened to music for hours, tossing on songs they liked as they came to mind while they worked. Harrison had a ton of recommendations that spanned all over the Golden Ages and some twenty-first century classics. She didn’t even know half of them, but she was vibing either way, adding on her own taste by intermingling some older rock tracks and newer electronic beats. The playlist was steadily built up as the day went on. Thank God her dad showed her a vast array of tunes; she might not have been able to keep up with the engineer if her old man hadn't.
It made the work go by so fast, their conversations blurring as they jumped from topic to topic. They discussed whatever came to mind—old hobbies, old jobs, and old interests. A lot was left behind in Sol… At least she knew that the only other human on the planet was more interesting than a soulless workaholic. It turned out that he was a pretty big history buff, and he apparently read a lot about the colonization of the Sol system and the various wars of independence thereafter. Curious, she asked where the interest stemmed from, and he explained that his grandfather was an admiral in the Slavic-Europan deep-ice submarine fleet, which explained how Harrison’s mother was able to afford to immigrate to Mars from Europa.
He could also play an acoustic guitar, and, unfortunately for Tracy, he wasn’t even the slightest bit interested in printing one out, citing that it was a waste of time and material that would be better used elsewhere. That didn’t stop her from writing a note on her data pad to do so later, though. She hadn’t seen someone play one of those in years—the last time was probably in some old music video from the early twenty-second century. What a shame. She would have liked to hear some of the Europan songs his grandmother taught him.
On the bright side, the man seemed to take an interest in her odd hobbies. He brought up the folder of 3D models that she accidentally uploaded to the inter-module system and asked where she got the inspiration for what was in it. Boy, was he not ready for her ‘WarHalberd40k’ lore dump. Props to the guy for not standing up and leaving the workshop throughout her rambling. He even asked questions about the different factions and their weapons, which she was more than happy to talk about.
She also ended up going over the other franchises and hobbies she was interested in, such as robotics and the like. The only interruptions to their chat were the occasional Akula or Craftsman asking for insight regarding the various tasks he had allotted to them, or Shar coming in to check up on Harrison between guard shifts.
The new dynamic of the group was pretty interesting, to say the least. Tracy hadn’t been out to interact with the whole lot of Malkrin, but she definitely noticed how they treated the engineer. They’d started to look up to him in a way ever since he started showing off technology. In a little over two days, the man had shown them that he could provide the materials for a brick house, fine clothing—especially by the alien’s standards—armor, and delicious food. That wasn’t even mentioning the other benefits the technician heard a few of the ‘banished’ talking about over their meals: heating, electric lights, and other assorted machines.
She’d be feeling pretty happy about herself if she was in his position, having so many look up to him and be grateful at the same time. He seemed to view it a lot more robotically, however, only striving to get the basics done. Luckily for him, his basics were their luxury.
That wasn’t all there was to the topic; the engineer lamented about how the colony was going through food just as quickly as materials. The meals weren’t the direct issue he had, more that he had to start focusing on long-term resource harvesting rather than directly preparing for a literal horde of monsters—which wasn’t exactly ideal. It was a good thing that they just so happened to take on an influx of Malkrin then…
Either way, they finally finished the ‘totally legal modification’ for the fabricator, meaning they could at least partially address the latter half of his worries. The whole process of ripping out an old printer and replacing the parts for a new one felt a lot easier than she imagined… even if it took her at least forty-eight hours to complete it… with help from Harrison. Maybe that was why it felt so easy… She supposed the colony overseers didn’t choose the man for no reason, so his skills made sense.
“So… what do we want to print out first?” Tracy questioned, having finished testing the last major component.
The engineer stretched his arms up into the air and rotated his shoulders, then pulled back the desk’s chair and took a seat. “I’ve had just one thing in mind since the start of this whole project.”
Her brows raised in a mix of excitement and curiosity. She leaned forward, looking at the computer monitor from over his shoulder. “Oh? What’s that, then?”
A smirk formed along his cheek, the computer mouse rapidly clicking through the blueprint folder. “I’ve had a lot of time to think about what kind of firearm we need since I started dabbling in belt-fed weapon systems.” He opened one final file, a short loading bar preceding the exploded assembly view of… “An M2 Browning machine gun. It’s more than powerful enough to kill in one shot, while also being capable of fully-automatic fire, with a capacity of however many rounds we want in a belt-box.”
“Uh…huh…” She gave a skeptical nod and took a step back, not exactly sold on the idea. “It looks ancient. It’s kinetic, right? Why aren’t we using energy-based weapons? Don’t we have a gunpowder shortage coming up?”
He moved his chair off to the side to look back at her. “We just can’t; Simple as. We’ll need who knows how many more AI cores before we can get started on that level of equipment, Trace,” he huffed, returning his gaze to the specifications of the firearm. “This isn’t the most ‘modern’ weapon we can make, but its twenty-first century counterpart helps with an improved design… somewhat. And, as I said before, it should be more than capable of killing a bug in one shot, so Shar can just tap-fire it to save ammunition.”
Her head tilted quizzically. “Shar?”
“Yup,” he returned confidently. “It’s the perfect weapon for her.”
She raised a brow. “How so?”
He held his hand up, counting his reasons on his fingers. “She’s always on the front line with a shield, she can absolutely handle the weight and recoil, her four arms make reloading it simple, plus she’ll need something with range and power that isn’t a spear. So, why not? And, if for some reason, she doesn’t want to use it, we can just convert it into a turret—which is something I was planning on doing anyways with however more M2s we print out later.”
“I doubt she’ll say no to any gun you give her,” Tracy chuckled while shaking her head, inadvertently causing her bangs to cover her eyes.
“Fair enough,” he conceded with a bob of his head. “What do you think, then? What kinda weapons do you have in mind?”
She reapplied her goggles into an impromptu hairband, feeling a smirk cross her face. “Thought you’d never ask. What purpose do we need these guns to fulfill? Hordes I’m guessing?”
“That’s the idea, yeah. That doesn’t mean they all need to be machine guns, though.” He tapped the belt-fed shotgun beside him.
“Well, lemme see what we’re working with first.” She suddenly stepped forward, leaning over Harrison’s seat to access the keyboard and mouse. Her arms briefly rubbed against him, forcing him to roll his chair backward. She suppressed a giggle at seeing his incredulous frown.
Her eyes quickly traced the hundreds of individual files, clicking through all sorts of folders, each arranged from pre-twenty-first century ‘antiques,’ to more modern iterations of kinetics and particle weaponry. There was… a lot on there—almost too much to reasonably comb through. Why? Did the colony overseers just say ‘fuck it’ and put whatever they could find on here? Were they expecting the pioneers to make a museum of everything?
She sighed, standing up straight and facing Harrison. “Y’know, I’m actually impressed you managed to find that M2-whatever in there…”
He shifted in his seat, resting an elbow on the desk. “Yup, there’s a lot. I’m almost tempted to just make several of those machine guns and just call it a day, but I feel like that’d be too much of a strain on resources, no?”
“I don’t really know enough about how you fight those spider-crab things, or how to get more gunpowder, so… maybe?” She shrugged, biting her cheek in contemplation. “You might just wanna make a few smaller caliber weapons… like, uh… those old kinetic service rifles. If your pump-action shotgun works fine, I’m sure some normal guns would work just fine for now, right?”
He hardily gripped his firearm, hauling it up to his lap. “Depends on what you mean by ‘smaller caliber.’ The whole reason why the KS-23 here works—” he pulled out a massive shell from the ammo belt, displaying it on his palm. “—is because the twenty-three-millimeter round has enough energy transfer to mess up any bug's shell and insides. I’d say the smallest rounds we could use would be point-two-forty-three caliber to get any similar results.”
Brief flickers of grungy orange shells and gnashing teeth marred Tracy’s sight. She forcibly suppressed them, distracting herself with dry humor and a strained laugh. “Guess those fuckers can really take a punch, huh?”
He shook his head somberly. “I couldn’t imagine going up against them without a gun… Anyway, I like your idea of a standard rifle for now. Then, when we have some product lines up, we can go a little more in depth into personal weapons.”
“So are you gonna take one?” She hopped up on the desk, letting her legs swing off the side.
“Don’t think so, no. I’ll stick with my shotty.” The internals of the heavily modified weapon rattled as he held it up and inspected it. “Doesn’t mean I’ll keep it as is. I’m thinking of printing a laser aiming module so I can point-fire it accurately, and maybe a melee-oriented muzzle brake or a lighter chassis to reduce weight… Not sure though.”
She leaned forward and rested her elbows on her knees, her cheeks in her palms. “Melee-oriented? Oooooh, like a chain-sword or something?”
His short chuckle coerced a smirk to her face. “No, not like that. More something to use as a bludgeoning tool. Right before the blood-moon, I ended up getting just as much use out of this shotgun as a hammer than as a… well, a shotgun.”
“That’s pretty fuckin’ metal. So are you just gonna make the barrel into a giant bayonet?”
He nodded. “Not exactly a bayonet, but something more like a door-breaching break.”
A short silence settled on their conversation, the faint sounds of the fabricator’s hum and distant woodwork coming to light. Right, there was an outside world… She’d been too caught up talking to Harrison for however many hours it had been. She wondered how successful the fisherwomen were in collecting, and how things had been for the others working on the wood storage shack. Maybe it was already completed? The sun peered through the cargo bay door, proving that it was only about midday. What else would they work on today?
“Hey,” she ventured.
“Hm?” the engineer hummed, his eyes focused on the monitor beside the technician.
She scooted closer to his keyboard. “What’re we doing after this?”
“What do you mean?”
She leaned backward, propping herself up on two hands. “Project wise; what’s the next big thing?”
“Uhmmm…” he muttered, interacting with the computer for a few more seconds before finally meeting her gaze. “Well, I’ve just allocated the fabricator to print out the M2, three FALs—wood furniture, of course—then there’s the magazines and ammunition, so we’ve got a lot of time to kill. The next big thing is definitely going to be metal procurement, and— Oh, right!” Harrison stopped mid-sentence, reaching into his backpack and pulling out several finger-sized metallic cubes, a sudden fire in his eyes. “Okay, so a while ago, during an encounter with three colossi, Shar and Akula found a cave with some ‘surface’ metal deposits. I took a piece off to analyze, but never got the chance to until last night. Anyway, we don’t have any machines to examine the ore, so I made use of the recycler and broke it down to its baser components.”
She nodded along, seeing where he was going with his explanation. “I’m guessing those shiny cubes are the metals from the ore?”
“Sure is. So, as it turns out, we have a pretty damn close supply of not only iron, but also, zinc, sulfur, and a small amount of cadmium. I talked with Sebas about it and did a little research. We believe it’s something akin to sphalerite, given its composition and looks, which implies it’s a sedimentary exhalative deposit. That means there must have been some volcanic…”
Harrison continued talking about underwater deposits and ancient rock formations, bringing up some theories brought forward by the now 4-AI-core-powered Sebas, delving into the current land mass’ history and possible ore output. A lot of it went over the tradewoman’s head, but she still listened intently… Honestly, she could have listened to the man talk about finding metals for hours. It was sort of like the podcasts she used to listen to while completing colonist training, but even more personal and somehow easier to get lost in…
“…find some other minerals further down like silver, but it also might be an active lava zone. Again, these are all theories and this world could just throw the fundamentals of geology away as it does for physics. Anyway, sorry for going on for so long about that, just thought it’d be important for getting some metals in the future.”
“No, no,” Tracy assured, alleviating him of concern with a wave of her hand. “If there’s anything the colony overseers emphasized, it was farming and mineral acquisition. Don’t worry.” She smiled, pointing a thumb to herself. “I just wanna know how I can help.”
“Actually, I’ve a few things only you can do. I’d like to make use of your impressive drone-making expertise for a few applications, if you don’t mind.”
The task of keeping eye contact slipped into an impossible feat in the span of a singular second, planting a pang of embarrassment on her reddened face, forcing her to inspect her fidgeting hands. “I-I wouldn’t say ‘impressive’… b-but what do you have in mind?”
She could see him raise a brow out of the corner of her vision. “Well, after what you’ve shown me with the reconnaissance flyers, I’d like your help in setting up a more permanent ‘net’ of them to scour the meadow and parts of the nearby forest to look out for any approaching hordes. I don’t want to be snuck up on… again…”
‘Again.’
She noted his small frown and sunken eyes, both a little more exaggerated than they already were. It wasn’t like she’d deny his request, but the pangs of empathy over their shared situation all but solidified her resolve. It was the least she could do. She could help him. She would help him.
The technician exhaled slowly, taking on a more serious and understanding tone than before. “I… can do that. For sure. What else?”
“I appreciate it.” He gave a wane smile. “I’ll help you with whatever you need for the project. For the other drones, I’m thinking about a small exploration vehicle to map out caves around us and mark any minerals, as well as a submersible to look for potassium deposits in the ocean.”
“So… search bots?” She crossed her arms, confidence growing; those were her specialty. “Depending on how long the fabricators take and what kind of base drones are in the blueprint folders, I should be able to get those done in no time. All I need to know are the search cues for potassium and how many drones you want.”
He quickly shuffled a few folders on the computer, turning the monitor for her to see some scientific documents with various images and walls upon walls of text. “There’re plenty of resources for that on here for what to look for, and there’s always Sebas, so feel free to ask him since he can just sort through the data for you anyway. If you can, I’d like it if you could focus on the submersible after the reconnaissance drones.”
“Sounds good to me. I’ll be right on it, then.” She gave him a thumbs up, slipping off his desk and toward her own.
“I’ll bring you lunch in a bit. Imma go check on the others,” he called.
Her stomach grumbled at the mention, her head turning to give him an appreciative smile. “Oh! Thanks!”
\= = = = =
Avian creatures chirped from their perches in the trees nearby. The wind softly rustled red leaves as grass gently gave way to calculated footfalls. A warm sun laid its light on Shar’khee’s neck. It was surprisingly pleasant, were one to take the time to notice. The mainland was a confusing place for the paladin, with its disparate representations of nature contrasting so heavily. Some days were filled with blood and ravenous beasts, while others were left within the domain of simplicity and beauty. She was content to have the latter, yet it felt like a facade veiling the former—a soft exterior covering the maliciously spiked interior. Never could she leave herself to carelessness, no matter how welcoming it might be.
Hence why she worked to ensure the safety of the star-sent’s castles and their inhabitants, her days largely spent patrolling for any roaming swarms that may wish to cause them harm. She typically used the routine to think, but today offered little in the way of solitude. This time, she was accompanied by the previously banished guardswoman, and was tasked with instructing the new one, though the specifics of what such lessons should entail were vague. Still, Shar’khee did all that she could so as not to disappoint Harrison, so she could only attempt to meet his expectations of her.
She told the yellow-skinned female of the threats that the settlement faced, how one was to defeat them, and what to expect from the beasts. The guardswoman was directed to practice her form with the spear in both thrusts and throwing for some time afterward, proving herself to be well-built. Such was expected of her profession after all.
It was pleasing to have another capable of patrolling the settlement’s outskirts for swarms, as it would greatly impact how effectively the colony could react to such a threat. If her routine was to suffer for the colony’s well-being, she was happy to show the new one her patrol route and note what to look out for.
The guardswoman was not a perfect student, however. Shar’khee never addressed it directly, but the yellow-skinned female obviously discredited the danger posed by the abhorrent, not-so-subtly shrugging off any warnings.
…That was until they stumbled upon the ‘hyena-boars,’ as Harrison called them.
The beasts resided in a clearing not too far from the castles, carelessly meandering across the sea of tall grass. Shar’khee quickly crouched, dragging the guardswoman down with her. Once she assessed that the creatures were not an imminent danger, she decided it would be an excellent opportunity to show the new one how to properly engage a threat. She was about to propose the idea, yet her speech was silenced just as swiftly.
Orange flashes darted through the trees around the glade. Taloned feet and gnashing teeth tore across the ground toward the unsuspecting beasts at the center. It was much too late for them. They were slow. Surrounded. Unaware. It was as quick as it was vicious, the forest’s reds turning a deeper crimson hue in a moment's notice underneath the abhorrent’s brutality.
Gangly monstrosities gnawed and ripped at the dead creatures, brief glimpses of raw flesh and white bone protruding from the small spaces between the clumped-up beasts. Repulsive wet splatters of blood and gore overlapped the calm noises of the forest, the grisly scene serenaded by the softest of nature’s symphonies. It was a sickening juxtaposition.
Shar’khee bit back the unease and steeled herself. They were within twenty paces—close enough to smell the abhorrent’s vile stench of rot and bile, yet far enough so as not to be noticed. She briefly considered backing away and retreating, her focus bouncing between the different avenues of escape, or how to cover her footst—
Crack.
Several sets of feral, eyeless maws snapped in their direction, the blood dripping off freshly dampened teeth. The guardswoman gasped, Shar’khee’s gaze following to see the mistake: a singular broken branch crinkled as a yellow-colored foot raised off the splintering twig.
The paladin exhaled sharply and smoothly stood up, brandishing two spears and her shield. Her glare settled on the still crouching guardswoman. “You are to stay behind my shield and let them appr—ch. Rem—ber what I have told you. Aim for their maws when you thrust y—r lance.”
The other female nodded, shakily pulling out her own weapons with unsteady placement hampering her grip. There was an obvious nervousness to her gaze. Hesitance. That would not do.
Shar’khee faced the prowling abhorrent her knuckles shifting hue as she prepared for their advance, for there was no chance that they wouldn’t. True to her experience, the stalking turned to a gallop with several clicks of grotesque tongues, the swarm bolting toward her as one. She snarled and slammed her bulwark into the ground, letting the approaching beasts skewer themselves amongst its spikes.
There were only ten—a paltry amount. She had defended against magnitudes more, and yet she still stood. What is more, they were mindless. Uncoordinated. They would be but stains in the cloth she used to clean her armor. Perhaps, if they were fortunate, they might leave a furrow in her shield to remember them by. Her arms tensed as the first leapt.
One by one, the abhorrent fell, their repulsive green blood splattering under her thrusts. Each awaiting corpse tore across the grove’s grass, lunging to their deaths with gaping maws and unfeeling hunger, yet she did not yield. Their shells were crushed by her shield and impaled by her Goddess-blessed spears, becoming but one more smear across their surface. Ten motionless lumps lay before her, seeping their ichor into the soil, none having passed the barrier she became. Dead, just as the Creator intended. She remained vigilant for a few moments longer, watching for any more of the disgusting creatures.
None showed themselves, finally allowing blood to flow to her fingers once again. The shield’s heavy presence weighed down her back, the blood flicked off of her spears before she returned them to their place.
“Are y–u well?” Shar’khee addressed the frozen Malkrin, wiping away the splatter on her bracers. The guardswoman stared at the small pile of deceased creatures, her heavy breaths and widened eyes moving from the spear from her singular kill. The paladin huffed. “We are fort—ate that there were so few.”
“F-Few? God help us…” Her horrified, stunned gaze slowly met the paladin’s. “Y-You said there were hundreds on the crimson nights? H-How do you… They were s-so fast.”*
”As I h–ve warned,” Shar’khee affirmed.
“You are a paladin! You all exaggerate your feats… I thought it was just a facade!”
“I have no r—son to lie,” she returned tersely, shrugging off the insult to her station and shaking her head. “The mainl—d is far more dangerous than ten gnash—g beasts; more so than that of your island hamlet. Pick yourself up. We m—t inform the others of this incursion.”
The yellow-skinned female snarled, furrowing her brows at the ground in frustration. At whom…? Shar’khee? Herself? Regardless, the female promptly gathered her composure, pushing air through clenched jaws. A step forward had her feet splash in the small pool of blood, the Malkrin nodding toward the paladin to continue back to the castles.
“…for the village.”
Shar’khee paused in her stride and faced her, frowning at the determination and anger leaking through the intent. “W—t was that?”
Her question was returned with honesty, a huffed voice marred by vexation. “Paladin, how am I to defend my village-mates as I am now?”
“‘As you are now?’ What do you m—n?”
The guardswoman stared down at her spear, wood creaking under her grip. “I have faltered before what you deem a paltry threat, and the thought of an even greater one sows dread deep within my bones. I wish… I wish to be better prepared to defend those of my village. I cannot help but see their faces on those of the furred creature in the clearing, and yet, even if I am so close, I am just as unable to protect them.”
Shar’khee stared down the yellow female, a long gaze taking in a rare showing of sincerity. “Y—r fears are one we all share, new one. Do not be ashamed of them. All t—t matters is that you do not let them rem—n mere fear, but make them your strength. So tell me, do you wish to impr—e? To ensure they do not fall while you are support—g them?”
The yellow-skinned female released a shuddering breath that bled off the worst of her indecision, a newly invoked flame flaring within her visage. “I do, paladin. I seek to protect and to be of use.”
“Then, if you wish to make y—rself resilient in the face of all that opposes us, it would be my undertak—g to forge you anew. Fortunately, Harrison has ordered such already, and his guidance shall prove ever useful, should you pursue it.”
The guardswoman shuffled in place at the star-sent’s mention, her eyes slipping downwards. “He is of a great many resources, but I would rather receive your teachings than those of a craftsman… or that of a male, deity-sent he might be.”
She placed a palm on the female’s shoulder. “He is far more than you might ever k—w. Regardless of if you ac—pt his guidance, I commend your conviction. However—” Her hand gripped tighter, though not enough to instill hostility. “—understand that you are protecting more than just your vi—age-mates.”
The new one nodded, staring up at the paladin with stallwart resolve. “Of course. I shall be in your tutelage, then.”
Shar’khee smiled. “T—n let us begin.”
\= = = = =
Akula was becoming increasingly certain that she knew how her parents once felt. The green-skinned fisherwoman was currently rotating between the many tasks placed upon her, guiding the newcomers through the minutia of their tasks so they might live up to the potential Harrison saw within them. She was gratified to have her own talents recognized by the Creator, but it also placed a great many responsibilities in her talons. Of course, she handled each new addition with finesse befitting her heritage, never once balking from the increasing demands. If anything, she felt validated; it was required of her as a female anyway, was it not? The more feminine-appropriate labor and management one undertakes, the higher authority they were granted.
It began with a simple assignment to oversee the chef’s introduction to the star-sent’s provided cooking appliances. As fascinating and convenient as utilities were, she held no interest in preparing any more food than she already had, but teaching another to operate the machines would alleviate such requirements of her. She reluctantly accepted the task when it was proposed, especially considering the fact that Harrison was much too busy with his other projects to bother with something as benign as cooking. His work was more valuable elsewhere.
The task itself went well, and the pink-skinned chef was quick to pick up on the use of the various kitchen devices, as well as the smoker. A grin had grown when she considered the possibility of all males understanding such domestic things readily, yet her mirth at removing the masculine job required of her was short-lived. Despite the newly initiated Malkrin’s success, Harrison had Akula frequently return to oversee the numerous cooking operations being conducted. That was in tandem with the back-to-back fishing trips made by both herself and the newly acquired females.
…Which was something else the green-skinned cycle-worshipper was ordered to oversee.
She had left the chef to his devices after producing another batch of partially seasoned meals, returning to the Creator with hopes of a break. He applauded her efforts with a nod and tersely spoken appreciation, then quickly pushed two spearguns into her hand and directed her to the ocean, where the twins were ‘working with jack shit,’ as the busy male said. She was to give the fisherwomen the tools and make sure they were used properly, and offer additional assistance in acquiring ‘enough fish to have us fed for a little bit.’
So, she left to complete the given task, feeling somewhat appreciative that her speargun was of superior quality to those she would be delivering—the newcomers were only afforded the lesser, roped-bolt version. It was only natural that she was in possession of their greatest assets, of course; the star-sent saw her as the only one capable of wielding such fantastic ammunition, showing trust that was rightfully placed in her. That did not mean the gray-skinned females were unsatisfied with their own gifts, however. The twins were swiftly caught up on the ‘manual of arms’ and sent to work, somehow managing to keep up with Akula in spite of their land-based origins. The two were fast enough to outpace the cycle-worshipper in sheer speed, but their lack of numerous winters spent traversing deeper waters meant they required frequent rests, breaking the ocean’s surface after every third captured fish or so.
Still, she had to appreciate their dedication to their task. They never complained about Akula pushing them further to reach the star-sent’s vague objective. Such a task was entrusted to her—and by proxy, the other two—and thus it would be completed, no matter how much her comfortable bed… couch called her tiring muscles.
The group of three hauled net after full net of fresh meat to the chef—and sewist, who later joined him—forcing him to relegate much of the catch to long-term storage as the kitchen simply could not deal with the surplus. At least three-quarters of the fish were put to slow cook in the now Malkrin-sized smoker. The craftsman had upgraded it with a kit provided by Harrison, who had recycled much of the dining room and workshop furniture to accommodate it. The Creator’s showcased urgency to gather materials was clearly not unfounded… It was admirable how he used what little he had left to ensure food would not be scarce. Additionally, the apparatus exuded an excellent scent for all the survivors to enjoy, the earthy aroma drawing in some of the other Malkrin for their breaks or meals.
Those were not the end of the cycle-worshiper’s tasks, however. She was also required to report on Shar’khee’s progress in training the guardswoman—helping to recycle the small swarm of abhorrent they cleared earlier—as well as the wood storage building’s progress. Indeed, she was advising and assisting however and wherever applicable. To say she was seen all around the settlement would be an understatement.
Nevertheless, she was appreciative to see her efforts bearing fruit by sundown. The processing of their meals from sea to plate was quite efficient, and those that Akula taught were now well-practiced in their duties. The twin fisherwomen dove from wave to wave, bringing fish back to the barracks, where the cook and sewist swiftly worked to transfer the meat to pans and smoker hooks alike. Then, the remnants of the Sea Goddess’ aquatic gifts would be subsequently recycled and given purpose anew as biofuel or perhaps future fertilizer.
The endless onslaught of duties and responsibilities had enlightened her, in a way. She could see where Harrison came from now; having a working project go from one point to another without input nor difficulty was a sight to behold, and it made her swell with pride. It was a surmountable feat to teach the barbaric ground-worshippers to do something properly.
…Well, they were not horrible Malkrin, so perhaps simply calling them ‘uninitiated’ was a more apt descriptor…
No matter the tribulations faced, and no matter how draining her new authority might be, her rest at the end of the day would be one that was well-earned, and it would be had with a sense of satisfaction. She deserved it, and perhaps that extended to the rest of the settlement as well.
- - - - -
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Next time on Total Drama Anomaly Island - Mine! Mine! Mine!

I met Luna on a train two years ago. I’d just escaped from a toxic relationship, so romance was the last thing on my mind, but then she sat across from me in the carriage and asked about the book I was reading. She had a copy in her bag and wanted to know if it was any good.
I'd never felt such an instant, effortless connection with anybody before. I took a chance and asked her to dinner, and by the time the waiters cleared away our desserts, I already felt comfortable being vulnerable around her. So we went on a second date. And a third. And next thing I knew, we were planning our second anniversary.
In all that time she never gave off any 'creeper' vibes. Until a few months ago, when I stayed the night over at her place...
She'd gotten up early to use the bathroom. I grabbed her laptop off the side desk so I could catch up on some work e-mails, and the incognito tab was just sitting there. My first thought was: either she's having an affair or she's got a secret fetish.
What I found instead was a Google account with a photo album called ‘Michael’s EX’. In it, there were 427 photos of my former girlfriend turned psycho stalker, Sadie. This included shots of ‘Sadie the stalker’ with her family, screenshots of her passport—the works. On Facebook, Sadie's latest post said Moving to the Philippines, and since then she’d become a social media church mouse, so how did Luna keep her under surveillance? And how did you even get PERSONAL ID from a person halfway across the globe?
Down the hall, I heard the bathroom door swing open. Quickly I closed the laptop and pretended to be asleep until Luna planted a kiss on my lips. “Wakey wakey Bugs.”
I faked a stretch. “Morning Lola."
(At school, the other kids christened me ‘Bugs’ because of my cartoonishly large front teeth; I called Luna ‘Lola’ because of her blonde bangs and heart-shaped face.)
“How about we grab a fry for breakfast?” Her smile didn’t seem genuine, more like she was wearing a mask.
“Crap. I forgot I’m doing overtime today, I’ve gotta get to work.” With that, I shot out of there faster than a bullet train to Tokyo.
Because I didn’t wanna believe the worst about someone I cared so deeply about, I didn’t contact the police (not that anybody could’ve guessed what Luna was up to) and made excuses whenever she asked to meet, delaying the decision whether to end our relationship.
At night, I couldn’t sleep. Every time a hedge rustled outside, I’d run to the window and pull back the curtain only to discover a black cat skulking around the garden. I put this down to my previous relationship leaving me with a mountain of unresolved PTSD.
Sadie the stalker also seemed normal until we moved in together. After that she started picking fights if she caught me talking to another woman, even just distant relatives or childhood friends. The screaming matches went from weekly to nightly, only ever ending when I conceded to her every wish and gave her full access to my phone and social media accounts. I literally needed to grab my clothes into a bag and run away one night, and then I started hearing noises outside my new apartment. And although I never found any evidence, I was pretty sure she’d broken in at one point because the books on my side table were suddenly out of order one day. What hurt the most was Luna knew all this and still acted the way she did.
Right as I reached my lowest point, my close friend Gertrude called and said, “The universe is telling me you could use a sympathetic ear.”
I told her the universe didn’t know the half of it.
I’d met Gertrude—aka my surrogate mother—on a flight to London. Passing over Wales the aircraft hit heavy turbulence, and the grey-haired hippie in the seat next to mine squeezed my hand so tight that my fingers turned blue. After we levelled off, she apologized and said, “So what’s calling you to London?”
“A job.”
A few glasses of wine from the service trolley later, she blurted out, “You know your aura is strikingly similar to my husbands.”
“Uhh, thanks. Where is he now?”
“Oh, he burned to death in a house fire.”
Gertrude’s eyes started welling up. To take her mind off the subject, I said, “I lied earlier. I’m going to London because I fell in love with a Londoner.” I pulled up pictures of Sadie (back in her pre-stalker days) on my phone. “We met in Italy. She looked flustered trying to read a map book so I offered to help. Next thing I knew, we were planning a trip to this place called Orvieto.”
“Michael, I need to know how this story ends. Gimme your number.”
Since then, we’d met two or three times a year.
I laid the whole mess out over pizza. It was the first time since finding the Google account I didn’t feel hidden eyes crawling all over me.
Just as I wrapped up the story, over in the corner booth, a family burst into a chorus of happy birthday. A waiter appeared carrying a chocolate cake, capped by a giant candle that looked more like a flare. Gertrude tensed up.
“So what do you think about all this?” I asked.
She looked back at me and said, “It’s possible your reaction has been a touch on the dramatic side.”
“DRAMATIC??”
“Well consider things from Luna’s point of view. Your last relationship lasted for, what, three years? Maybe she felt threatened.”
“I don’t believe this.” I grabbed a cigarette from my pocket, but Gertrude snatched it away.
“You know how I feel about you poisoning your lungs, Michael.”
“Don’t you start. I got enough of that crap from Luna.”
Gertrude always encouraged me to work through my romantic problems. Ultimately, I decided her love of fairytale romances clouded her judgement and ghosted Luna instead. But I couldn’t escape her shadow. She always felt close. In fact, it got so bad that at a friend’s costume party several weeks later, my eyes kept compulsively scanning the crowd as if she was there in disguise, ready to pounce.
I stood off to the corner until, over the sea of heads, I spotted a beautiful stranger dressed as Jarlath the Goblin King. I took a shot of liquid courage and made a B-line towards her.
Halfway across the crowded room, beer splashed across the front of my Ziggy Stardust outfit.
“I am so sorry,” a female pirate said, patting me dry.
“Don’t worry about it.” Every time I tried circling her, she moved to cut me off.
“I am such a klutz. Why don’t you come into the kitchen so I can clean up this mess?”
I put my hands on her shoulders and steered her out of the way. “It’s fine. Trust me.”
Approaching Jarlath from behind, heart slamming against my chest, I said, “Well this is awkward. One of us is gonna have to change.”
Jennie had bright blue eyes and dimples impossible to miss. Ten minutes into our debate about David Bowie’s greatest album, I said, “You know Absolute Bowie are playing the Half Moon next week. I could take you?”
“Sorry. I’m going with my boyfriend,” she said with a sympathetic smile. From beside the buffet table, the pirate stared daggers in our direction.
“No worries,” I replied, despite the fact I was brimming with jealousy.
The next day, as I jogged off my hangover, a brown-haired lady cut across my path and we both went spinning to the ground.
“Flip, sorry.” I rushed to pull her up by the hands. “I’m like a bloody zombie lately.”
She did a doubletake. “Ziggy, right?”
There was no mistaking those eyes. “Jarlath?”
“Well, Jarlath or Jennie. Eithers fine.”
“Right. Well, sorry again. Enjoy Absolute Bowie.”
Before I could jog away, she said, “Hey, so that guy I was seeing? Turns out he’s a total prick.”
Jennie and I went for coffee. Coffee morphed into drinks. Drinks morphed into a steamy make-out session on my sofa.
But as she covered my neck in soft kisses, my stomach turned. It felt like cheating. So, I put the brakes on things and said, “I can’t do this. I’m really sorry. You’re amazing, but I just got out of a serious relationship…and…it’s just…”
“Hey, don’t worry about it.”
We agreed we’d let our connection blossom in its own time.
Jennie had a playful mystique to her. Within a handful of dates, we’d developed inside jokes and could tell what the other was thinking. But Luna’s imprint was hard to shake, to the extent I almost mixed up the two ladies’ names multiple times.
To detox, I suggested Jennie and I spend a romantic weekend in the Lake District, because after two days of hiking and kayaking my ex would no doubt be a spec in the rearview mirror.
Hours before we set off, however, Luna’s mom called. She wanted to meet and wouldn’t accept any excuses.
“Look, it’s obvious why I’m here,” she said, sitting across from me in Starbucks. “Ever since you and Luna broke up, she’s been acting…different.”
“Different? Different how?”
“I call but she hardly answers. I go over to her place but she’s never there. Now she’s telling me she needs to find herself. Says she’s moving to Australia.”
Her fingers tightened around her cup. “I need to know what happened between you two. And I don’t care if that paints anybody in a bad light. I’m just worried about my daughter is all.”
I told her about the Google account.
“Did you confront her about it?”
“Hell no. I ghosted that crazy bitc—” I cleared my throat. “I mean, I just…stopped seeing her.”
She started crying so loudly customers at nearby tables paused their conversations. I touched her forearm, promised I’d call if I remembered anything else, then set off for my romantic weekend.
But while Jennie and I enjoyed all that fresh air and pub food, a thought nagged at me. Luna adored London, so why move to Australia? It seemed so out of character. Back at our rented cottage, I was so fixated on the thought I needed a smoke, badly.
“What the hell is that?” Jennie demanded, as she stepped onto the front deck.
I glanced at my hands. “Uhh, a cigarette.”
“Michael! Don’t be sarcastic. You know how I feel about those things.”
“…Do I?”
“Uhh, well it’s the same as anybody else. Quit poisoning your lungs and put that thing out.”
“Alright alright, geeze. Sorry Luna.”
“That’s okay.”
A knot formed in my stomach as she went back inside. I’d called Jennie Luna by mistake. And she hadn’t noticed. In fact, her reaction to me smoking was identical to Luna’s—even the snappy way she said the ‘poison your lungs’ line.
I followed Jennie into the lounge, where she’d curled up on an armchair with a Colleen Hoover novel. She was hiding something. What else did she know about Luna? Maybe I could trick her into revealing some details…
From behind, I started massaging her shoulders. “Sorry for being rude before. I know what you said came from a place of love.”
“That’s okay.”
I waited until her eyes drooped shut, then said, “It really is perfect here, huh? Maybe we should stay forever.”
“Wouldn’t that be amazing?”
Her little groans of pleasure, the rhythm of her breathing, it all felt so familiar. I waited until the tension in her neck dissolved, then I pushed my lips against her ear and whispered, “So how about we take this into the bedroom…Lola.”
“Hmm. Sure thing Bugs.”
My hands froze. Jennie jumped up. “Uhh, that felt so good, why’d you stop?”
“What did you just say?”
“What did you just say?”
“I called you Lola,” I replied, my arms frozen in midair. “And you called me bugs.”
“Like the cartoon, right? I thought it’d be a cute nickname. Anyway, I’m tuckered out.” She forced a yawn. “Why don’t we get some sleep?”
As her hand laced with mine, an image of me waking up drugged and gagged and tied to the bedposts flashed before my eyes.
I said, “Sure. I just…need to use the bathroom first.”
The second the door shut behind me, I flew out of the house, climbed in my car, and sped away.
Within seconds my phone started blowing up with calls, followed by texts. Where are you going? Is everything okay?
No, I wanted to reply. I’m onto your sick little game. Whatever it is, I’m onto it.
Luna stalked my stalker, now Jennie somehow knew Luna and I’s nicknames. How? Did all women take turns drawing straws and whoever picked the short one needed to become my girlfriend?
I couldn’t go home. For all I knew, my exes would’ve been there burning effigies of me. I needed a safe place. Somewhere I could lie low until I got all this straightened out.
“Of course you can stay,” Gertrude said over the phone. “I’m out with some friends, but I’ll meet you later. If you hop the side gate there’s a spare key under the kissing gnomes out back.”
Gertrude lived in a detached house in Wembley. It took a bit of foraging to find the gnomes hidden beneath the weeds in the brown, patchy garden.
I needed to shoulder the door open. Inside, a mountain of letters and flyers had piled up on the welcome mat.
Down the hall, a huge archway connected the landing with a lounge, where a bar sat against the far wall, surrounded by upholstered sofas, a low table, and tie dye sheets strung over the filthy carpet. Everything had a real elegant vibe, despite the musty air.
I’d drained two glasses of whiskey before Gertrude arrived.
“Looks like you’ve had a rough evening.”
I said we could talk in the morning.
“Not a chance. You can’t take negative energy to bed. Come on, confession is good for the soul.”
She sat on the sofa and patted the empty seat next to her. So, with a weary sigh, I shared a tale of deranged exes.
“Crazy,” she said.
“I sure can pick ‘em, huh?”
“No, I mean you’re crazy.”
“What?”
“Think about it. What’s more likely: that your ex’s are secretly in collusion, or you’re being paranoid? Look how bloodshot your eyes are. When’s the last time you got a good night’s rest?”
She made a great point; teenagers on the street occasionally shouted ‘Bugs’ or ‘Thumper’ at me. Jennie might’ve come up with the nickname herself. I pinched the bridge of my nose, groaning.
“Look, sleep here tonight. Tomorrow we’ll brainstorm ways you can make it up to Jennie.”
I fumbled through my pockets for a cigarette.
“Really?” Gertrude said. “If you insist on poisoning your lungs, can you at least do it away from my home?”
“Well if I can’t smoke, I’m gonna need a refill.” I shook my empty glass.
On my way toward the bar, a wave of wooziness hit me. My first instinct was to blame it on the alcohol, but there was something else.
It was her reaction to the cigarette. My finger ran through the thick layer of dust along the bar’s countertop. Why was it like the place had been abandoned? Why did Gertrude always pressure me to stay with my psycho girlfriends? And how come she always reached out, as if on cue, whenever my relationships hit problems? It couldn’t be coincidence…
I poured two glasses of whiskey and carried them to the sofa. “So, you’re really against the whole smoking thing, huh?”
“Of course. It’s a filthy habit.”
“Yeah. Plus, there was that mess with your husband. House fire, right?”
“I’d rather not discuss it.”
“Sure, sure.” I ignited the lighter with a roll across my trouser leg.
Gertrude grabbed a cushion and hugged it. “What are you doing?”
“Alright, cut the crap. What the hell’s going on? Have you been sending your friends to date me?”
“What are you talking about?”
I wrestled the cushion from her and held the lighter beneath it. “I want an explanation right now or I’m torching this place.”
This was an empty threat. I wasn’t some pyromaniac—I just wanted answers. Inch by inch, I raised the flame. “Last chance. Why are the women in my life acting weird?”
Gertrude grabbed for the lighter. As I swatted her wrists away, we both got scorched, and for a moment her skin went wild with spasms, a sensation I can only compare to reaching inside a bucket of wet, writhing maggots. My gaze whipped between her face and her hands, which vibrated like plucked guitar strings.
Before I could scream, she yanked me up, clamped a cold, wrinkled palm across my mouth, and forced me against the wall. I thrashed around, unable to move. For a lady old enough to collect a pension, she was crazy strong.
She waited until I ran out of breath, then said, “Michael, please. I’m not going to hurt you. Open your heart and listen.”
What else could I do?
“You were right before. I have been keeping a secret from you. The truth is, I’ve been in love with you since we met. I’d never flown before. And you were so so sweet. You started talking about this other woman, but I knew our energies were perfect for each other. And it’s like I always say, love makes us do crazy things. You can’t begrudge me that can you?”
She looked as if she expected me to respond, so I shook my head.
“But I think we’ve reached a point where our connection is so deep we can be completely transparent with one another.” She took a slow, steady breath. “Michael, all your ex’s, Luna, Sadie, Jennie. They’ve all been…well, me.”
I stared at her, confused.
She sighed. “It’ll be easier if I just show you.”
Out of nowhere her hand wriggled again, then her face tightened, as though the skin was being stretched over the bone. Wrinkles smoothed out and colour bled into her grey hair, turning it brown, and within seconds I found myself face-to-face with Jennie. Even her vintage clothes morphed into a green blouse and white slacks.
“See?” she said in Jennie’s voice, her now blue eyes locked on mine.
I screamed into the soft flesh of her palm.
“Sssh, it’s okay. I’m not gonna hurt you. Watch.”
Her entire body jerked and twitched, the muscles spasming as she shifted from Jennie to Luna. “See? Think of these as costumes”—from Luna to Sadie—"the important thing is what’s underneath. And you’ve fallen in love with what’s underneath three times. Now I’m going to let go, but I need you to promise you won’t overreact. Understand?”
On the verge of a panic attack, I nodded furiously.
The second she pulled away I made a break for the exit. The thing posing as Sadie grabbed me and hurled me backwards against the wall.
Like a disappointed teacher, she put her hands on her hips. “I’ve been so patient with you, Michael. So very, very patient.”
She blocked off any hope of escape. I sidestepped around the outer edge of the room, towards the bar.
“All those years moulding you. Trying to grow you into the man I know you can be. I really thought we had it this time. For the record, I wanted to do this the easy way. But drastic times...”
I was so scared I slammed right into the cabinet and yelped. Glass bottles chattered together, and then something wet ran down the back of my shirt. It was whiskey, leaking from the overturned bottle onto the carpeted floor.
Speaking more to herself now, Gertrude said, “I’ll just have to keep you here until you love me as much as I love you. Of course, that means posing as you so nobody gets suspicious, but that’s no trouble. I’ll tell your dad you’re moving to Italy. You always loved Italy.”
Pose as me? She'd been killing my ex's and taking their place, I was just the latest in a long line. She’d keep me as a personal sugar baby if I didn’t escape, but how? She was impossibly strong, and the only thing that seemed to scare her was…
Snatching the bottle, I doused the remaining whiskey all over the carpet and furniture. As I flicked the lighter open, Sadie’s hands shot up.
“Bugs…darling…what are you doing?”
I took three slow, steady breaths. “Breaking up with you, you crazy bitch.”
I tossed the lighter forward. Within seconds flames sprung up all around us, spreading as far as the sofa. Sadie’s shoe caught fire, and as she stamped around, unintentionally fanning the blaze, her body writhed again, starting with the ankles. Fat boils climbed up every inch of exposed skin, milky white and with the consistency of frog spawn, like she’d had a killer allergic reaction to poison ivy.
She dropped to her knees, wailing like a wounded animal. This was my chance.
I made a break for the exit, giving the creature as wide a berth as possible. But as I got one foot planted in the hall something clamped tight around my ankles. My chin hit the floor, then I started sliding backwards.
I twisted onto my back. Where Sadie’s left arm should’ve been, a tentacle-like appendage stretched across the length of the room, a distance of over twenty feet. It reeled me toward her like a fish on a line. Whatever that thing was no longer looked human. It melted like an ice statue, with no bones or connective tissue inside, its lips nose and mouth becoming hideously elongated before dripping off in huge globs like melted candlewax. A fire alarm started wailing as the tentacle dragged me through the flames, scorching my arms and legs.
The loose mass of skin reached out and encased me like a mother bird sheltering its eggs.
“WHY WON’T YOU LOVE ME?” all my ex’s voices screamed at once. Whichever direction I looked, silhouettes of faces rose and fell, as if trying to burst through. Parts of them dripped inside my mouth, disgustingly warm with a bitter taste worse than Vaseline.
I put everything into clawing my way out if there. What was left of the beast had the consistency of wet clay and came apart just as easily. I tore away chunks until there was a hole large enough to squeeze through. Then, I crawled along surrounded by black smoke.
At the far side of the room I risked a glance back and saw a bumpy, uneven hand reaching out of a puddle of ooze. Soon I was crawling over the bristly welcome mat, then fumbling for the door. All I remember after that are paramedics wrestling me into an ambulance…
A specialist officer came to see me at the hospital the next morning. They’d been unable to contact the homeowner, Gertrude Huyton, and through his line of questioning I could tell they hadn’t found her ‘remains’ inside the charred house. Like the wicked witch of the West, my stalker had melted. I told the officer she said I could stay the night, and that I probably started the fire by dropping a cigarette.
“In that case, we’ll keep trying to reach her.” He walked to the curtain surronding my bed and paused. “Oh, and I almost forgot to mention, her cat is missing.”
“Her...cat?”
“Yeah. The little black one. One of the firemen pulled it out of the wreckage. The poor thing had burns over its legs but it ran off before anybody could take it to the vet.”
I swallowed a gulp and thanked him for telling me.
And now I’m still sitting here listening while nurses rush back and forth, terrified any one of them might be Gertrude…

We agree, if pregnancy happens, it happens and that we’ll be in it together. I thought for sure I was pregnant this month, sore breasts, bloating, somewhat nausea to certain things (similar to PMS I know) even my nipples look little darker than usual. Like last week, I didn’t even drink much when we went out but I felt very sick almost about to throw up. My “period” came this week, but I am starting to question if it was even my period or possible implantion bleeding? It was sorta heavy and red on the first morning, but not like bright red. No “clots” at all either. It was light in red-brown color for the next few days. It only lasted 4/5 days. (Usually my period is heavy for 2-3 days and then light till day 6 or 7) I took a test 2 days before “expected period” it was negative (I read that it can be negative before bleeding) I tried looking up about implantation bleeding vs periods. No good answer. Just that implantion bleeding lasts 3 days and very light in pink/brownish color. I’m just finding this period very odd and different this month. I’m not sure if I’m overthinking this. I’m hoping for some insight on this. Or if anyone experienced the same thing?

Hi all,
I'm 28M. 2 months ago, I suddenly had a lot of blood coming out of my mouth, without doing anything. In total, it happened 3 times, 2 days in a row, twice first day, once second day. No other symptoms, no coughing, just feeling that I suddenly had something in the mouse, and when spitting noticed it was a lot of blood. Since then, I haven't had or noticed anything like this again, maybe really small amounts of blood here and there. So, I did bloods tests, an endoscopy (doctors thought it could be an ulcer), saw a dentist, saw an ERL doctor which checked my nose, and throat, also did a lung CT. Nothing special was found. Though my blood test was retuning high EOS percentage (8.7%), but regular EOS quantity (0.3K/ul). Also I had a low WBC (3.8K/ul). IgG was 1695 mg/dL, IgM 71 mg/dL, IgA 389 mg/dL.
Doctor said I did enough tests, we should stop there.
I need to say that when this event happened, I was sleeping for several weeks in a room in which there were black molds expanding on the ceiling (I was stupid for continuing sleeping there).
2 weeks after the blood in mouth episode, I had kind like a sinusite, almost couldn't hear anymore from one ear, but it went away after about 24 hours. So I did not consult.
2 months have passed, and I'm sick again, throat hurting, tired, one ear a bit blocked, and almost no coughing at all. All improved after 1 week of antibiotics, though I noticed that I did spit out some brown mucus in this morning (I don't smoke). I did a quick strep A test, it came back positive, so I was prescribed antibiotics and did a throat culture. The throat culture didn't find bacteria (I don't think they look for fungal).
I don't have a known illness (HIV etc) or anything.
I'm wondering if all of this could be linked to the fungal, could it be that I'm infected by a fungal like Aspergillus ? When I mentioned the molds on the ceiling during the blood episode my doctor didn't take it seriously and told me it's unlikely related. I've not seen the same doctor again, so the one that consulted recently for the antibiotics me didn't have the context of the blood episode. From my understanding the high EOS indicate an alergy to something, could it be a fungal?. Though in the lung CT (which had some artifacts because I did breath during it) they did not see something unusual. If Aspergillus trigger blood episode, we should have seen something in the CT or not necessarily ?
Do you recommend me consulting again ? Should I try to convince my doctor to do a seriology aspergillus test ? Is this the best way to clear this out ?

I got diagnosed not too long ago but i’m still not sure if I have it. My pain feels like my colon is sore, like it’s contracting but got stuck on it and stays that way (if it makes any sense). The pain is always in the same spot. I feel discomfort and pulling around my belly button from time to time, but not every day.
I go to the toilet regularly and every day. My stools are type 3 or 4, brown with little white specs like seeds (I eat chia every morning).
I’ve been to GI and a surgeon. They all did ultrasounds and palpitations, all good. During the palpation I felt pain on the right side, where my everyday discomfort is, but the surgeon said that it’s normal with IBS. Bloodwork came back perfect as well.
They all contributed it to the stress I’ve been dealing with for the past 2 months. I just have horrible health anxiety and I’m scared that it might be something something serious that is being missed (not that ibs is not serious but you all know what i mean)

I live in Las Vegas and have a new garden.
Last year was my first year gardening and I grew mostly the same variety of pepper plants, cayenne to be specific for a total of 7 plants. I only really noticed a problem with aphids and ants in the previous year. I do recall some issues with cabbage loopers last year.
This year I have really branched out, and now have many different and a higher volume of pepper plants 7 varieties for a total of 30 plants, along with 5 eggplants, 4 cucumbers, 7 tomatoes of 3 different varieties, and several other species of different flowering plants.
I have definitely seen an increase in insect activity and diversity. The most prevalent being a species of squash bugs. The ones that have bright green bodies as nymphs and grow to be large brown/grey winged bugs. I have noticed an increase in leaf damage especially in small tiny holes that appear on old or new leaves alike. It seems that the squash bugs are attacking my pepper plants specifically, I’ve noticed them mostly on those plants by a large amount.
Most alarming is what seems to have happened overnight one day. I check my plant’s meticulously morning and night. And one night I noticed that most of my peppers had suddenly lost many large semicircular pieces of their leaves. Like something came by and snipped the sides of the leaves with a large hole puncher.
I don’t think this is due to the squash bugs. I can’t find any other bugs and really want to know what could have done this to my garden in such short time. I would also like to know how concerned I should be about the squash bugs, like I said so far the damage seems too be confined to the peppers which I have many of backups for, I’m more worried for my squash and other plants, as I’m invested in fewer plants. I read that squash bugs can eat aphids which I know I have a bad history with and are still very present in my garden but this year seem to be mostly confined to the African sumac trees in my back yard. I don’t know if I should attribute the lack of aphids to the squash bugs or just a the increased prevalence of other beneficial insects.
So far I’m trying to remove the squash bugs on sight, every day it’s around 4-5 of them I remove from plants. Any advice would be helpful.

I was found to have a MMC measuring 10w2d - this was 17 days ago. I had my mifepristone 15 days ago and misoprostol 13 days ago. I passed the fetus but had a retained placenta so had to have it manually removed, the doctor scanned me at that point and said he was “fairly certain” he had got all the tissue but I was bleeding heavily so I feel like it was hard for him to tell.
Fast forward 13 days and I’m still cramping, it’s really bad every evening. I’m still bleeding brown blood and there’s some thick blood/?brown clots when I wipe after the toilet. I also did a pregnancy test yesterday morning and it was exactly as positive as it was 5 days ago.
I live in the UK so here we don’t have an obgyn we can just contact, I’d need to go through either the emergency department or phone a 24 hour line which would direct me to the correct place. If you were in my position would you do that? I’m meant to be going away to Greece 2 weeks today so really don’t want this process dragged out any longer and I’m really worried I have retained tissue??

Hiya
I have a 10month chi, she's very friendly and sweet temperament wise. I also have two kids and a push over partner, he's definitely more of the dog person but no boundaries 😮‍💨
I have a few issues I'd appreciate some advice/input on how to train her, as yesterday she escaped the house and ran in front of a car. She is SO lucky it didn't hit her. I spent 15 minutes trying to find her, and that's only because she found a dog walker who grabbed her 😮‍💨
• Doesn't eat unless it's chicken. She will starve herself for days, and then only eat chicken. Vets given advice about no longer changing her pet food in attempts to find ones she likes Previously within a week, if she even ate it, she will reject again and honestly she didn't eat much to begin with. So now it gets put out, if she doesn't eat it within 5 minutes, it's taken away. Then she waits until dinner. It's sort of solved the problem, she's at least eating half of a meal a day.
• Pees everywhere. I've had to throw out a large family rug. She's destroyed my wooden floor. Doesn't like to use puppy mats. She will go outside in the morning now, but that's only recent Banned from unsupervised upstairs as she will pee and poop everywhere. She's also pooped on the kids and my beds before; I've warned my eldest (he adores her) that he can clean it up if she does it on his again, since he wants her on his bed. It's either the kitchen wood floor (which is now all black/dark brown under the table, I wish she would use puppy mats) or living room rug.
• No call back or commands. She just about knows SIT when it suits her. She does know her name. She knows no but doesn't always listen to it, again, unless it suits her. She also knows when she's been naughty as she legs it from me to her bed 🙄 I really need this sorted, she is so fast and regularly escapes. She has a collar with name and number and address etc; but I can't run after her and she will eventually get eaten by another dog (lots of big dogs around here, I've had to lift her before! They must think she's a bunny!) or worse, if this continues.
• Eats everything on the carpet. When she does have a scrap of food, she takes it into the living room onto the carpet. At best she eats on the floor next to her bowl. I've found if i put her food outside, she eats out the bowl itself. But honestly I cannot keep cleaning my carpet of dog food as she smears it in 😭 I'm looking at another stair gate to sadly confine her to the kitchen, now.
• Jumping and biting. I get she's a puppy. But she jumps and bites my kids faces. I'm pregnant ATM and will be due soon, I don't want her accidently hurting the newborn. I don't want to end up having to get rid of her, I want to train it out of her. She doesn't always bite soft, too, she's drawn blood with myself and my youngest child. Unfortunately 🙄 my eldest and partner (and guests, sigh) find it endearing and tell me "she's just playing", and I'm trying to explain if she mauls a neighbour's kids face by accident or their child or my baby, they will soon change their tune! I had a friend in school, who's nose literally has this massive scar where her dog as a puppy, got carried away. The dog was re-homed and she has a permanent fear of dogs.
• Licking - this is just me. I hate licky dogs. We have had several dogs when I was a kid and none like this. She gets carried away and has stuck her tongue up the nose of the lot of them; she doesn't get that chance with me as I put my hand on her head but she still tries.. Kids adore it. Partner adores it 🙄 Anyway to stop her doing it? At least for me 😮‍💨
• When on a lead, there is absolutely no listening skills. She does what she wants. You can say "heel" and stop all you want, she will strangle herself silly.
• Jumping on sofa and stealing pillows, humping pillows, using sofa to launch herself onto living room table to steal food. Also uses sofa to launch into (already set up) baby cot - this certainly has to stop! I put it out already to train her "no" like I used to do with our cat. Our cats old now so he is already trained up in forbidden places etc.
😮‍💨 I've never had this issue with any dogs we had since I was a child/friends puppies. I appreciate I don't have as much time to dedicate, and will be going on maternity leave so I want to be dealing with as much of it as I can before/when baby is here.
Sorry it's so long 😮‍💨 I am just tired and it doesn't help my partner and eldest, she goes straight to them when she's naughty/not getting her way, and then I have to tell them off, too. I'm not daft, I know it's because they give in 🙄
Thank you 🙏

I slept fine, I didn’t fall asleep so nicely. I don’t know why, I felt perfectly adequate all evening and then bam I cry myself to sleep. I don’t know how or why, and I didn’t even cry over anything in particular it was just any and everything. And I just kept crying and crying, like a baby. I had to switch pillows twice because I drenched it, but I got to sleep on my favourite pillow by the time I was almost asleep thankfully. I can be so picky with pillows, another thing mum tends to call me, even to this day - the princess and the pea. Or rather she likens me to her… I can’t entirely say I disagree tbh. I just like things a particular way, not all things, I can be relaxed about plenty, but there are some things I just to be just so. My pillows when I sleep for example, how the dishwasher top rack is stacked etc. Entirely inconsequential things really. But anyway. I didn’t fall asleep so nicely. I woke up feeling better, still a bit sad but nothing I couldn’t ignore.
It’s now 12:58pm and I’ve done next to nothing. I’ve been watching BT, I’m not writing the name of the show because I feel like that might be search heavy at the moment? So I’ve been watching that, I’m midway through the third episode now and there are four out so far. I’ve also painted some of my lil clay things with primer. And that’s about it. I really need to clean and tidy my room but the idea of it… ugh. I don’t want to :(
I’m loving BT so much. I like the stories and characters and stuff, but I mostly love the sets and costumes. They’re just so luxuriously opulent and uggghhhhhhh I want to just stare it all. Sometimes I wish they would clear out the cast and just give us a tour of the rooms and show all the details of the gowns. But like I learned in therapy, beauty is something I value highly, not in a vain way but in the way I utterly adore beautiful things whether it be a stunningly ornate wallpaper, a sparkly bead encrusted gown or even a leaf that is the perfect shade of green. I just love it all and it brings me so much joy, more than I realised now that I’m conscious of this value of mine. But the BT house itself, particularly the drawing room ommmmgggg. The blue? I think it’s called wedgewood blue from memory, with the creamy/white detailing. And all the light streaming through. It’s so dreamy. And it makes me love my blue and white bedroom more. And the gowns!!!!!!! I wish I could roll around in them, they’re so sparkly and detailed and beyond beautiful. Particularly the ones crusted in beading and with the luxurious silks and satins and velvets and taffetas and organza and all of it. And the colours! It’s all so dreamy. I don’t overly love the style of a lot of the gowns, that sort of empire line, mainly because it only looks good on women with fewer curves and a flatter chest, they can look gorrrrrrrgeous in them. But otherwise if you have any kind of cleavage it looks so weird and bleh. I love Penelope so much, she’s always been a favourite character and she honestly deserves the very best. And Colin definitely got a glow up prior to this season. His brown coat is so delicious. I’m beginning to wonder if I should read the series…? I do love a lil historical romance. Anyway I don’t even Penelope and Colin to end up together, I mean Lord Debling is so lovely and Colin is off sleeping with hookers… like? Then again I know I am wrong in how I think and feel about all of this. I know I have expectations ghat are unfair, I mean maybe not for everyone but if I’m nothing special and therefore not enough then can I criticise. This doesn’t make sense. Anyway. Actually nevermind I just watched the fourth episode and I am very much Team Colin. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH!!!!!!!! But now I have to wait for part two in mid June :(
I’m going to the office tomorrow. I don’t want to. But oh well. I’m going to make a concerted effort to get back in twice a week - I’ve been slack with it and it doesn’t help me become better. Leaving the house more is important, so this shall be one of the ways. I’m also going to get some new sneakers and a walking jacket so I can go for walks more regularly. I’d like to go several times a week, but I’ll work up to that. I love my walks, I love them a lot but I just get filled with every negative emotion when I go for them around my house, to the point I’ll start having tears running down my cheeks or shaky trembly hands - it’s pathetic. I think environment is everything, and purpose. When I walk pups at my parents I don’t feel these things, I’ll be a little anxy but nothing I can’t manage. But here? It’s so hard. It’s so stupid I know. But I love walking, I feel better when I do it regularly, so I shall keep forcing myself to do it until I feel okay about it. I know this is what I have to do, but the way it makes me feel inside… it never feels worth it. To be 20 minutes walk from home and feel on the verge of a panic attack is NOT a good feeling and it only makes my panic worsen. So baby steps. I’ve been considering on and off moving to a different area, I think I would feel more comfortable in other areas, I don’t know why I don’t here but I don’t. But moving elsewhere is no different to running from problems so I will sort it out here.
I broke his little bowl. I didn’t mean to :( I feel kind of upset about it, it’s been two weeks in the making with time to shape, dry, prime and I was doing a final layer of primer pre paint and my stupid finger went through the base. So I guess it would never have been a good present anyway because it broke so easily. But I bought a really pretty coloured paint because I thought he might like it and I just feel upset. I showed him it, idk why, I just messaged him a picture of it now and I already wish I hadn’t. I shouldn’t have even made anything for him in the first place, he’s made it abundantly clear he doesn’t care for homemade things - cards, presents, whatever. If he did like them he would comment on them, and he never does, so maybe it’s a good thing this broke. I just like sharing things with him, like when I draw and I like a tree I’ve drawn I want to show him, except I don’t because I’m utterly rubbish at drawing and it makes me look like a five year old. I at least appreciate his honesty, or transparency rather. It means I can understand what he does and doesn’t like. I just think his likes don’t mesh with my like of making homemade cards and presents. It’s not like I only give him that though. Anyway it doesn’t matter, plus it’s probably better for me to not share things like this given I don’t have any skill or natural talent with it. Just because you enjoy something doesn’t make you good at it.
I don’t feel so great this afternoon, mood wise.
I’ve done the absolute bare minimum with my room, and the bar was set very, very low today. I tidied the floor up a bit, I made my bed, did a lazy tidy of my vanity desk thing.. that’s about it. I’ll do more across the week.
I feel.. detached today. This afternoon, rather. I know I love my family, Andy, puppy… etc. I just can’t feel it. I know it’s all in there, but I feel detached and I can’t reach it. This isn’t unusual, I just always try to describe the feeling and always fail. I think knowing I care but not being able to feel myself care sums it up as well as I’ll ever be able to.
I found a little notebook of my early days of therapy, well with this current one, maybe not that early actually but idk. It was just me writing down who I am. The first is “I am a human” because I had to start with the basics. The last line is “I try my best to be friendly” - I think I will continue with this. No one really comments much on me so I will just write it as things feel write. From memory it was also a way to force myself to speak more kindly to myself, ie I am a woman vs I am a monster. And things like I’m generous, I love animals, I am quiet, I try to be patient, I love romance, I appreciate attention to detail, I like to care for others, I am a homebody, I love reading etc. And then scattered amongst it was some honesty, like I can be a control freak, I am quite particular about some things, I am indecisive, I am sensitive etc. And then next to I am a friend I have a question mark. But I want to continue writing these things, I think it’s helpful when I feel lost in myself to be able to read through a list of things I’ve written and be reminded. That sounds so silly to not know who you are sometimes, but sometimes I just feel so unbelievably lost and unmoored from everything, even myself. So I’ll write all the good things, and the bad. I’ll write things that I like, things that I don’t. I’ll write things I want in my life, things I feel like I should want but don’t, things I shouldn’t want but do etc etc etc. It’ll be a little tiny notebook of everything me. I wonder if sometimes it’s possible for me to get any lamer? Unlikely.
I’ve been thinking about stopping journaling here more and more. I get more out of posting it here, it feels like a release, like I’m letting all the thoughts go which is especially helpful with my negative ones, I don’t know.
It’s 5:23pm. I need to wash and blowdry my hair, as it’s still damp in the morning lately. I need to have something for dinner, I guess. I’ve been struggling with eating lately, I feel so ugly and it makes me not want to eat and then that sets off a bad string of things. I’ll have something little, vegemite toast maybe. I need to pack my bag for tomorrow. And that’s it.
I feel better after a shower and chat with Andy, I still feel not good but he perked me up on the outside. He makes me laugh so much :) It’s kind of weird to think I’ll be living long term in Australia, like I’ve always intended on living there - until my mental health and covid messed things up a little for me timeline wise. But to think I’ll maybe say Australian things…? That I’ll say thongs? And I definitely will because I cave quickly, like I was only in the UK two years and I said crisps and trainers and I still do to this day, which I’m actively trying to stop. I wonder what my accent would sound like after like ten years… I really doubt I’d ever lose my accent. It’s funny how I do probably sound a bit different when talking to him versus my mum. I just talk more softly with him, I naturally do anyway to the point I have people comment semi regularly on how soft spoken I am, but idk, I don’t even mean to speak to him a certain way, I just do? And then he hears me talking to mum and I probably sound like I’m wearing Jandals and stubbies while loading up the ute as I prepare for a tramp in the bush. Christ. I do love being from here though, in theory I would rather we live here than Australia, and never say never… but it makes more sense to be there. I don’t really have anyone here other than my parents whereas he has family and friends and his payments and all of it. I don’t really have any ties here. Anyway.
I get to spend time with him tonight :) Night night