I (31m, US citizen, living in USA) am trying to figure out the easiest path to marry my fiancé (26f, Mongolian Citizen, living in Mongolia) and bring her to the US.
We've been dating for 2 years, I want to visit her in Mongolia about a year ago and got engaged shortly after that. I just found out about Utah zoom weddings. My plan is to apply for a Utah marriage certificate and do the online marriage via zoom. I plan to fly to Mongolia and do the zoom wedding with her there. We'll then have a ceremony there, more just for us and her family, no legal meaning.
After I get back I will then file a CR1, then after the 1.5/2 year process, she will move to the US.
Is this a viable option or am I missing something?

Frank Joseph SnydeSchneider (1881ish-1938) is shown to live with my family as a boarder in the 1905, 1910, 1915, 1920, and 1930 censuses. They moved a few times, and he went with them. His death certificate shows him living at my family's residence in 1938.
Through his death certificate I found his parents, Frank/Franz Schneider and Josephine Amen/Arman. He is shown to live with his family in one 1905 census, and mine in another. His dad didn't die until 1919 and I am unsure about his mother, so I am confused as to why he would board with my family all this time.
I've tried reaching out to my great aunt who might know him because her dad grew up with him living in his house, but she isn't the best with technology and hasn't gotten back to me yet.
One record says he is married, and another says widowed. I can't find a marriage certificate though, and I would expect him to live with his wife. His parents are from Germany, and I have some info on his siblings, but they don't help much.
Has anyone else has similar experiences? I can't prove that he is a relative, and I don't know why he would live with them for decades. Feel free to respond with any theories or personal experiences you have!

My Potential is Against Legal Marriage in the UK: What Should I Do?

Salam Everyone.
I need some advice about a serious matter that's been on my mind. I've been in a relationship with a guy. known each other for about five years now, and we are considering marriage. We both want to have our nikkah ceremony soon, but we've hit a significant roadblock.
He is strongly against legalising our marriage according to UK law. He believes that the nikkah is sufficient and doesn't see the need for a legal marriage certificate. This has me worried for several reasons:

1. Legal Recognition. Without a UK marriage certificate, our marriage won't be recognised legally. We'll just be considered as living partners, not a married couple.
2. Future Children. I’m concerned about the status of our future children. Will they be considered legitimate under Islamic law but not under UK law? Could this cause problems down the line, especially with things like inheritance, legal rights, etc.?
3. Islamic Perspective. I worry that not having a legal marriage might be considered haram. Isn't it important to follow the laws of the country we live in as long as they don't conflict with our religious beliefs?
4. Personal Preferences. I would feel much more secure and respected if our marriage was legal in the eyes of the law. Ideally, I'd like to legalise our marriage on the same day as our nikkah, if possible.

Given these concerns, I'm feeling conflicted about how to proceed. Has anyone here faced a similar situation? How did you handle it? What would you advise me to do because I actually really like this guy?
Thanks in advance for your insights!

My parents are both deceased. I have never been married and have no children. I was the only child of my parents’ marriage. Prior to their marriage, my father had another wife, with whom he had two sons. My father’s ex-wife passed away, subsequent to my parents. The older of the two sons passed away a few years ago. My surviving half brother, and his children and grandchildren, are therefore my closest blood relatives. Recently my niece found out through ancestry.com that she is closely related to people she’d never heard of. Further investigation revealed that my half brother is not my father‘s biological child. His mother had an affair and got pregnant, and pretended that it was my father’s child. I adore my brother and my nieces and nephews, but the revelation that we are not genetically related is very disheartening to me. I know it hasn’t been easy for my brother to find out that the man he called his father is not his biological father, but he is connecting with this new family; the bio dad is still alive, and there is a half brother and nieces and nephews. People keep saying that family is more than blood, and I understand that, but there is something to be said for blood, being that these new people that my brother only just met a few weeks ago are feeling so connected to him based on the mere fact of shared blood. I’ve lost so many of my closest loved ones, and even though I am happy for my brother to have a renewed sense of identity and belonging, I can’t help but feeling untethered, vulnerable and left out. I cherished being their blood relative, and I am mourning the loss of a biological tie that grounded me. I feel very disposable now and left out of this new bloodline that erased my own.

Salam Everyone.
I need some advice about a serious matter that's been on my mind. I've been in a relationship with a guy. known each other for about five years now, and we are considering marriage. We both want to have our nikkah ceremony soon, but we've hit a significant roadblock.
He is strongly against legalising our marriage according to UK law. He believes that the nikkah is sufficient and doesn't see the need for a legal marriage certificate. This has me worried for several reasons:

1. Legal Recognition. Without a UK marriage certificate, our marriage won't be recognised legally. We'll just be considered as living partners, not a married couple.
   
2. Future Children. I’m concerned about the status of our future children. Will they be considered legitimate under Islamic law but not under UK law? Could this cause problems down the line, especially with things like inheritance, legal rights, etc.?
   
3. Islamic Perspective. I worry that not having a legal marriage might be considered haram. Isn't it important to follow the laws of the country we live in as long as they don't conflict with our religious beliefs?
   
4. Personal Preferences. I would feel much more secure and respected if our marriage was legal in the eyes of the law. Ideally, I'd like to legalise our marriage on the same day as our nikkah, if possible.
   

Given these concerns, I'm feeling conflicted about how to proceed. Has anyone here faced a similar situation? How did you handle it? What would you advise me to do because I actually really like this guy?
Thanks in advance for your insights!

This is something I’ve thought about pursuing for a while, but I recently decided I want to get serious about it. I plan on applying through patrilineal descent because I believe I qualify and it sounds like that’s the most simple way to do it.
My great-grandfather was born in 1900 in Italy, came to the US in 1924 and married my US born great-grandmother in 1926 and my grandfather was then born in 1928. My great-grandfather never became a US citizen, and actually died in Italy in 1933 when visiting.
Am I correct in assuming I would need all of the following documents for applying at the New York consulate office:
-Birth, marriage and death certificates of my great-grandparents, grandparents and my parents
-Certificate of non-naturalization from USCIS -Certificate of non-naturalization from NARA -Certificate of non-naturalization from New York county (the only county where my great-grandfather lived) -NARA 1930 census record which listed my Great-Grandfather as an alien after the birth of my grandfather
Also, my father and my sister are also interested in pursuing this. Since they would need the same documents as me, how would someone recommend I go about getting 3 copies? When I originally request do I request 3 copies or is just 1 enough? My apologies if these questions are very basic.

For context, I was only 18 years old and in poor health due to a temporary condition so I was battling insomnia (which led to brain fog, unbearable pain and hormonal imbalance), and a man a decade older than me (28 years old) groomed me and proposed to me in 3 months. I married him because I didn’t know any better, he was my first relationship ever and I was a virgin on the wedding night. He convinced me that we are meant for each other and that God sent me to him as a prize. Despite my resistance, he forced me to go through with the wedding even though my skin was bleeding and oozing and my hair was falling out. He said it’s not Christian of me to cancel the wedding and it was too late. The marriage lasted less than 4 months and my Church priest and family pulled me out of it ASAP due to severe psychological and sexual abuse that I finally reported when it was unbearable. I cried myself to sleep every night. He was also still in contact with his ex and looking at inappropriate Instagram girls behind my back during our marriage. He would also rape me in my sleep and isolated me from my family. My divorce was recognized by my Church because it falls under the category of a biblical divorce, aka “sexual immorality” and “abuse”. I hardly knew him and he weaponized my naivety and my weakened state due to my temporary physical illness to pressure me into marriage. I forgave him everything and looked past all the red flags.
Now that I’m in a much better place and I’ve repented of my mistake, (and I actually fully healed physically as soon as he left), I feel immense regret. The relationship and marriage was so short, less than a year in total, and I feel terrible for not being a virgin anymore (even though I slept only with my husband). I can’t believe I’m only 20 years old now and already have a divorce behind my back to a man I hardly know and who only pretended to love me. It’s been 2 years and I’ve healed from the trauma, but I want to know if there is a good Christian man out there who would want to marry me. I go to Church regularly, I pray, and I strive to keep my purity. I’m determined to not sleep with anyone except with my future husband. I want to be a good and godly wife, I dress modestly and I focus on achieving my academic goals. I’ve found myself again, I’m finally in good health (physically and emotionally) and I strive to cultivate Christian virtues. Would my previous 4-month marriage (with no kids that came out of it) be a deal breaker for many of you Christian men? I take full accountability for my stupidity, but now that I know what to look for in a man and not to rush into marriage, I really want the chance to build a Christ-centered family!

I discovered Shera's videos quite a few years ago, and loved her humour as well as her message to level up. I started noting down all her little gems. They give me motivation, and a giggle too. I am older, in my fifties, and have been happily married for over 15 years, so I don't need her dating, sugaring, or 'get the bag' advice, but I do love her level up advice. I saw another lady share her notes, so I wanted to as well. There are tons, I've realised! I hope you enjoy them!
~~

How do you become the prize?

If you don’t start as the prize, then you aren’t the prize. If you don’t know if your mind that you are already the prize then you can never be the prize.

~~

How to be more feminine so I can be spoiled more?

It’s a lifestyle. You have to act, fake it until you make it, and create a lifestyle. The days that you don’t feel very feminine are the days that you have to use more of your masculine energy.

Remember to always have a space to come back to that is feminine, and recharge yourself with feminine energy. Create a more feminine environment, wear more feminine clothes, listen to music that is going to help your femininity instead of diminishing it.

Keep things that you like to do feminine and do feminine things. Going shopping, getting your nails or hair done, buying shoes, picking out décor for our rooms, decorating tables, going on picnics, watching girly movies.

Recharge yourself by doing some of those things. You need to be able to recharge your femininity at least once or twice a week.

~~

Live the type of life you want already. It may not be on the scale that you want to live it at, but it needs to be a version of it. For example, if you want to live a soft, feminine life make sure your current life reflects that: your current environment, the current way you dress, the current way you walk, talk and act.

The more you receive, the better treatment you receive, if you can get a provider who can let you live a more feminine life, a softer life, then it's just going to get better and better.

But already live the life you want to live, that way they can only improve you and they see how you treat yourself and see what you like and that’s what they are going to be giving you. Your goals will be met just by dating.

~~

What are some ways to keep him interested in he provides well?

Look good
Make sure you know what his interest are
Talk to him
Make sure he feels like he is the man
Look good when you are out with him
Make sure you are pretty and heads turn ‘ooh who’s he with’
His self-esteem will skyrocket when you go out with him if you look good and he’s not going to want to leave that


~~

Men like women to switch it up as long as it’s classy.

~~

Flower attract bees to them by their bright colours and they smell good. Attract men to you:

· Wear bright pretty colours
· Smell good
· Look fresh, dewy and youthful
· Look attractive

Look like the prize. Look like his fantasy. Look through his eyes: what would he like to see?

It’s not that complicated. Bring it back down to simplicity? What do men like?

Heels
Skirts
Dresses
Makeup
Long hair
Red lipstick
Baby voice
Feminine colours
Make them feel good
Give them compliments
Let them talk
Don’t talk about your boring stuff – they don’t care

Use the formula to get success with men.

~~

If you want to dress casual in jeans and a cute top, still wear heels, hair, full makeup. If you’re going to wear jeans, you’re going to need to wear heels.

Also think about this: what sort of man are you attracting. If you wear jeans when you meet you’re going to get taken to a jeans date. Dress for the life you want.

~~

Comment:
When we had a fight I cut my hair short & bangs & went shopping. He was so glad he said “you look like a different person!” The fight was forgotten & he treated me new again & took me shopping again.

~~

"Life is fun! (...) life is a movie, life is a stage. Get into character... "

~~

Men don’t care about anything else but what you look like and how you make them feel.

~~

If you’ve let yourself go, level yourself up to the point that their jaw will drop when they see you.

~~

The only limitations are the ones you believe in.

~~

What do rich men’s wives all have in common besides being pretty?

They’re feminine
They’re classy
They’re not loud and obnoxious
They don’t outshine their husband
They hold back and keep it together in public
They are well proportioned

Shera had a friend who was a little rachet, and she ended up marrying wealthy. She had to totally change everything about herself:

The way she dressed
The way she wore her hair
The way she spoke
The kind of shoes she wore
Her makeup
She had to change it all
How she acted around people
How she spoke to men
She had to change everything
It’s not that she changed who she was inside or her personality
It’s that she changed who she was around men
There’s a difference

~~

Your stock should go up after you get married, not down. If your stock is not rising after marriage you’re doing it backwards. That means still investing into yourself, your beauty, your clothing, into your stash (money, wealth and investments). If you got married and your stock plummeted, that’s your fault.

~~

Loving yourself means putting yourself first as a priority. Knowing your worth and value and not taking any crap from anybody because you value yourself, you love yourself. That’s all loving yourself means. And not talking down about yourself. And knowing that you deserve what you want in life.

Once you do that other people will as well – men, co- workers, your boss, parents, spouse, brother, sister, cousin, whoever. Whoever is in your life at the moment will recognise that you love yourself and that you don’t have to submit to them or that you’re not desperate for their approval. In fact they may start to be desperate for your approval. So make sure you’re putting yourself first.

Don’t be always talking about the other person and what they want or what they think. Don’t care who they are. Don’t care about other people or their spouse or the person they’re interested in. It’s not about them, it’s about you. If they can’t recognise you and they don’t like you, then you are wasting time.

If you have to sit there and be puzzled about why someone is not responding properly or why they’re not doing this or that, it means they don’t like you so just move on and stop trying to waste time worrying about it. You already know that in the back of your mind; you’re just hoping for a different outcome that there won’t be.

Make sure that when you realise you are putting other people before yourself as a priority then you’re not going to get the type of man or people attracted to you that you need. When you can get somebody in the click of a finger and they’re not used to that it means you are valuable and that they are not necessary. They are very unnecessary and therefore they feel like you have even more value because you don’t need them. You don’t need them, they need you. That’s why they seek you out. That’s why they call you, that’s why they ask you out.

Make sure you’re not getting caught up in silliness. If they’re not putting you first, you’re gone. Or you put them on ice; that means you let them figure it out and when they start acting right again then you allow them back into your life. If you’re chasing behind someone, if you’re worrying about someone who ghosts you then you’re not putting yourself first.

And that means you don’t love yourself. A lot of people were taught to act a certain way – not cocky etc – if you don’t, all people see you as is a doormat. You can let down your guards later when they are fully invested in you and aren’t going anywhere, but until that happens they are there to impress you.

~~

How do you fall in love with yourself when you aren’t happy with yourself?

Become happy with yourself:

· Do things that make you happy
· Look the way you need to look
· Continue to do this every day until you are happy

Only you can make you happy

~~

Don’t go out there lookin’ like Plain Jane. Plain Jane gets passed by with the eye.

~~

The key is confidence. You can learn all you want, if you don’t have confidence you can’t pull it off. The key is confidence, knowing your value, and not listening to no dusties. That’s the key, that’s the masterclass right there – be confident.

Be main character energy. Stop caring what people think. Have a goal of what you want and go for it and don’t stop until you get it. Speak positive about yourself and stop dealing with dusties. That’s just it. You do all those things and you’re going to have something. You’re going to get what you’re looking for. That’s it.

~~

It’s not what you look like – it’s how you make them feel.

Are you going to make them feel young again?
Are you going to make life exciting for them?
Do they enjoy being with you?
Do they like being seen out in public with you?

~~

Shera, on when you talk about all your feelings and prior history:

“You’re being an informant on yourself. You’re telling on yourself. You’re giving out all your secrets and revealing everything. So that’s definitely not feminine energy, because feminine energy is naturally dark. You know, it’s water, it’s the cosmos, it’s that. So when you’re revealing everything, when nothing is unknown and everything is known, now you’re masculine. Because that’s light- everything is known. So the more you say, the more you tell, the more you open up, the more masculine you become in that energy, and the less mystery and femininity and feminine allure you have, because now you’re an open book. And they have all the clues to how the story ends and how to manipulate the character.”

~~

“Feminine energy is naturally dark, is water, is the cosmos, is that. So, when you are revealing everything, nothing is unknown and everything is known, now you’re more masculine, because that is light, everything is known.

So the more you say, the more you tell, the more you open up, the more masculine you become in that energy, and the less mystery and femininity and feminine allure you have because now you are an open book, you’re predictable.

And they have all the clues to how the story ends and how to manipulate the character.”

~~

Get them to worry about you, while you worry about you.

~~

How do you find your purpose? You create it.

~~

Leveling up is actually a lot of fun when you are present and mindful about it it’s probably be the best gift you could ever give yourself as a woman.

~~

Stop caring what other people think and live the life you want to live. If you don’t like kissing people’s butts, don’t kiss their butt.

~~

A lot of women don’t realise that if you just get into your feminine, and you stick with your standards, you can get what you ask for.

~~

How to become detached and unbothered?

Stop caring. When you care too much, that’s when you can’t detach and be unbothered. Stop caring, become ‘take it or leave it’. That’s your attitude. You will be fine with it or without it.

~~

Comment:

Three years ago I was getting yelled at a public train station (which we had to take because neither of us had a car) by my dusty disgusting ex. I lived in a cheap apartment with four unsavory roomates and their boyfriends. Now I live in a luxury high rise with a conceirge and valet. All I did today was get a facial, sit by the pool and shop. I don’t have to worry about a SINGLE THING and every man in my life treats me like a queen. I’m truly breaking generational curses; my dad left my mom with four kids alone while she worked at Denny’s waitressing overnight. If it weren’t for Shera’s wisdom I don’t know where I would be today but I just give thanks every day that I saw the light. This is my one and only life so why shouldn’t I be living peacefully and bougie.

It’s crazy how fast life can chance when you realize your worth and act on it. Keep on inching further and further; the more luxurious things you do the more the rest of your life catches up. It literally started with me going to the expensive nail salon instead of the cheap one. Then I felt like I deserved more. I moved into a nicer apartment that was out of my budget at first, then a nicer car, then I started buying designer bags and now I live in an ultra-luxurious place. Small steps and the rest of your life will catch up in time. Of course look your best every day and be healthy. And do not give a second of your time to anyone who does not treat you with respect, remember if they’re not adding to your life they are taking away.

The universe somehow just opened up and rains abundance on me. The more you surround yourself with the vibrations of prosperity the more it will be drawn to you. Ella Ringrose on YouTube helped me a lot to draw in money.

~~

Comment:

Shera ever since I started watching you I have levelled up my life completely. I lost 50 pounds and changed my whole look to be more feminine. My husband was so motivated he started making more money and bought me a home and my dream car. He does everything I want now and he feels proud to bring me home his paycheck. I no longer work and just workout every day and focus on my children. A lot of my family members don’t understand this life but I am very happy and comfortable.

~~

If you give yourself away too easily, your value is low.

~~

10 Important Habits of a Gold Digger

1)high standards
2)high self-esteem
3)perspective
4)purpose
5)options
6)be unapologetic
7)looks
8)business plan
9) knowledge/value of money
10)stay unbothered

~~

‘Busy patterns that aren’t classy make you look older’. You can show how classy your clothing is by the cut, colour and pattern, not the brand or designer.

Look to magazines for style inspiration:

O magazine = for older women
Instyle = more youthful

~~

Comment:
Men need respect, they don’t want your love.

~~

Wealthy men like women who are thin, feminine, and classy, or classy/sexy.

~~

Classic = classy. Dress in a way that you wouldn’t look crazy in a photo in 20 years time.

~~

‘We’re not trying to fit in, we’re trying to stand out.’

~~

Comment:
Looking beautiful, adore your blouse and that classy backdrop. I have earrings very similar. I have to go out now, I’m over 60 and always look stylish heading out the door . Make up and a cute dress today. You never know who is at the coffee shop 😊

~~

Be cute, be feminine, don’t talk so much. Let him do the hard work.

~~

‘You’re not his momma stop acting like it’ video
Women will turn into their man's mother without realizing it! Then he will run.

A lot of times when a woman has been in a relationship for a long time or is married, they start acting like a mother to the man without even realising it. To avoid that, do these things:
· Totally change everything – change how you dress, put more makeup on, wear heels.
· Act ten years younger.
· Don’t be concerned about the things you used to be concerned about.
· Let everything be free and fly.
· If you once worried about dishes in the sink don’t worry about it anymore.
· Change it up.
· If he realises that you stop caring and you just put all that extra energy that you were nagging and trying to organise and keep stuff right or that you were frustrated about – if you took all that extra energy and put it back into yourself – and you stopped worrying about the house and the domestic issues and him doing this, this and that. He’s going to think, ‘Well dang, everything is out of order, now she’s dressing like this and putting on makeup and looking this way, and the dishes aren’t clean anymore, or she’s not nagging me about picking up my clothes and the room is a mess’, then either he’ll get up and do it or he’ll start turning into your father.
· You mirror what they do and they’re gonna start seeing what you are doing by you have to act that way with them.
· You stop cleaning dishes, you start leaving your stuff on the floor.
· You start dressing cute, and say you’re going out.
· You forget to do stuff, or you stop helping out because you don’t want to damage your nails or the Real Housewives is on.
· Start doing the same thing to him – he watches sport, you say, ‘Oh Housewives is on, I wanna watch it. I don’t wanna watch it later.’
· You don’t do any of this like it’s revenge, just like you joined him in not being responsible, or joined him with more relaxed rules.
· He might like it. He might be like ‘you’re so laid back, you look happy today’.
· Then he might start cleaning up more because it’s not an order.
· But as long as you’re happy and not nagging him, he’s going to do it voluntarily.

~~

How you act and how you make him feel will give you more power to get what you want.

· Look good
· Be more feminine
· Speak softly
· Smile
· Laugh at whatever he is saying and make him feel good about who he is
· Let him talk more than you
· Feed his ego
· Act vulnerable and he will want to do things for you, will want to please and impress you

(I added:
· Ladylike, dainty, girlish, delicate, compassionate, considerate, sympathetic, tolerant, warm-hearted, gracious
· Calm, refined and tasteful
· Agreeable, friendly, good-natured,
· Kind, moral, pleasant, delightful)

That’s how you get what you want.

Our power is in our femininity, not in our masculinity, not in being in competition with a man, but making them weak because we are giving them exactly what no-one else does and so they’re not used to it and they yield to it and want more of it and they’re going to do what you want.

Being feminine is the key to getting what you want. There is no magic formula; it’s just ‘being feminine’. Work on that and you will get what you want. Work on your baby voice. Work on asking men for things and help, feeling vulnerable around them and stroking their ego and you can pretty much get what you want, especially if you choose the right target. Don’t go up and choose someone who has a thousand options, go up and choose someone who feels lucky to be with you and who will act accordingly.

~~

Men don’t like jealous women. You look insecure if you show jealousy. If you feel jealous, act like you don’t care – laugh it off.

~~

Men don’t like to be told what to do or have someone running their life. They don’t need you to offer them suggestions – this will just make them feel like a child, emasculated and they will rebel.

~~

Have a hobby and have a life.
Have your own life.
Make yourself number one.

Make sure he likes you more than you like him. If he really likes you he is going to chase you and not let you go, and you don’t even have to do anything to make this happen.

~~

I am not a people pleaser. I live for myself not others. And that’s how you have to be to be unbothered. Be unbothered always and you will live your best life.

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I live in a fantasy world every day. That’s why I can create the world that I want.

~~

A dream woman is motivation for a man in every way. If you no longer motivate him, you are no longer his dream woman.

~~

A good actress will melt into her role.

~~

Instead of waiting and having regret later, make the decision now to do what’s best for you, not what’s best for the outside world and what they think. Do what’s best for you in the long run, not what’s best for you right now in this one moment which will pass. Think ahead. Right now is gone. As soon as you think about it, it’s gone.

~~

To be a dream woman and to be worshipped by the man you are with, you have to stay focused on you. Don’t be about him. A man’s dream woman does not mean she is all over him. She has a life. Keep a healthy distance instead of being extra clingy. That way you stay on his level. Make sure you appeal to his friends (in a classy way) too. He will see that others appreciate you and know that he has the prize.

~~

“Put outfits together in your mind when negative people are talking.”

~~

How to be unbothered?

Comments:

‘Fake it till you make it. That’s what happened with me I started to pretend that it didn’t bother me. Now I’m literally so unbothered and focused on myself.’

‘When you are showing that you’re upset or bothered, you are giving them power to know they affected you. I love everyone but I do not argue. I have trained myself not to get emotional even at my husband or family. Being this way also makes you more respected, it’s part of your charisma.’

‘Being unbothered is a choice.’

~~

Comment:

If you're over 35 the best ways to look young is to drink a gallon of water a day....it's good for wrinkles..and helps your makeup glide on like butter.

Eat less and eat as much green as you can (Kale, Broccoli, Spinach) so you can be as slim as possible so that you feel good in your clothes....

Work out to increase your confidence...

Dress your age....nothing worse than a woman who dresses out of her age range...makes you look like you're trying too hard...

~~

Build confidence by not accepting that you have low self-esteem. Every day improve yourself so your self-esteem gets higher and higher. Don’t wallow in it, don’t accept it. Every day tell yourself what you want:

I look good
I feel good
I’m great

Tell yourself that. Give other people compliments, and they will give you compliments. Before you know it, you’ll have high self-esteem. You have to work on it, it doesn’t come automatically. It took a long time to tear down your self-esteem, and it takes a moment to pull it back up.

Just work on it, keep moving forward. Don’t let anyone put you down again.

~~

How to keep your husband interested

· Less communication
· Less giving of information
· Spend more time apart
· Don’t get so close that he is going to want to back up
· You have to get close then back up, get close then back up again
· Look your best at all times
· Don’t smother people and they won’t try to escape you
· Have a life
· Have things to do
· Have a to-do list that does not require that person

Go out and do things. He will appreciate you more when you get back. He will wonder what you’ve been doing. He will anticipate your return.

Don’t let him conquer you. When men have conquered a woman, they will move on. If he doesn’t feel like he can ever conquer you, he will try harder. Never let him feel like he totally has you.

~~

Masculine people (men or women) tend to run to the rescue of others.

~~

Shera, on uplevelling your looks and being your best every time you step out the front door: Don’t let life pass you by. Life is short. Life is very short.

Comment on Shera’s video: My mom went through a season where she dressed up and it just made our whole family and home come alive. I remember when my mom walked into the living room all fixed up and my little cousin's eyes just lit up. He said be careful don't touch her lol. He literally went from seeing her as a plain ol’ aunt to a princess. He was so young, but he couldn't fake it; that was his instincts.

~~
· It’s not about looking young, it’s about looking good.
· If you miss an opportunity to be levelling up, you are only cheating yourself.
· Stay ready.
· Every day do something to improve yourself - hair, exercise, mindset, self-esteem
· Enjoy getting ready – be creative
· If you’re wearing makeup, go bold. Men want to see the makeup.
· Men like it when you look your best. When you’re out in public, people are judging a man’s status by the type of wife he has, how she looks. You add status to any man that you are with.
· If you are attractive, you will have a lot of friends inviting you out. They will use you to attract attention because you look good. They are going to gravitate towards you and associate you with success. Your appearance will get you further than almost anything else.

~~

When you’re trying to lure a man in, dress for that man. Men do pay attention to what you look like.

Broke men pay attention to your silhouette. They look at your body because they just want to have sex with you.

Men with money pay attention to what you wear: your clothes, your shoes, your jewellery, your shoes, your hair, everything. Are you appropriate? If he wants to take it to the next level and take you out and get to know you, start a relationship, introduce you to his friends, he isn’t just looking at your body.

~~

The better you look, the more successful he looks.

~~

Men are visual creatures. Everything men do is based on that they see. How they treat you is based on what they see.

If you go without makeup, hair not done, and dressed badly, you won’t get the same treatment even by the people who see you every day. When you look good, the people around you have a little bit more respect for you. They see you looking pulled together and to see you any other way is foreign to them.

When you are levelled up, keep this in mind, don’t backslide. When a man meets you looking good, he wants to see you like that for your entire marriage. He doesn’t want you to let yourself go.

Try hard to keep yourself up during your marriage; how you looked when you met him is how he wants to see you forever more.

Men are very visual creatures, so when they see us looking bad, it upsets them. It literally makes them clench inside a little bit because they are so affected by the visual.

You are like a Christmas tree or a beautiful ornament. It’s a pleasure to look at you and they’ll want to be around you just for that.

People may treat you badly because you didn’t keep up your looks - a man could be speaking to another woman or ignoring you.

~~

“Just act and dress like a feminine lady. You’re making them feel younger by being in their presence. Watch 1950s Hollywood movie stars to watch how those ladies acted.”

Never help a man level up as they will always put you in a maternal role and look at you as a mother figure.

How to change your mindset:
1. Tell yourself that you are no longer allowing people to make you feel bad about something – that’s your choice.
2. Decide that you want to be better, and each day take action towards being better. Your self-esteem will rise from this.
3. Surround yourself with like-minded people so you can influence and help each other.

~~

People who talk less are generally more well respected.

~~

“Look for the positive in every negative comment or situation, and you will find it every time.

Whatever your weakness is, make it your strength, to fuel you to the next level. That’s how you really level up from inside. Face your weakness head on. If someone calls you fat, flaunt it. Say, ‘So what? Yes, I eat, I haven’t seen a rib in many decades, but I’m happy. I got a lovely husband, nice house, nice car.’

Instead of being a victim about it, empower yourself with it. Your flaw can be your power. It can be your power if you take it and embrace it and stop focusing on it as an insecurity. The more you focus on something as an insecurity, the more other people will focus on it because they know it’s your weakness and that’s how you get affected. Whatever your flaw is, turn it into something that can give you more than it can take from you. If people say it’s a flaw, take it and turn it into a power.”

~~

Don’t listen to what people say; what do you think? Opposition creates interest.

~~

· Be extra feminine in the way you dress, speak, act.
· Be charming - smile, don't argue (and then do exactly what you were going to do anyway).
· Ask for help from your man - opening a jar, lifting something, reaching up high, anything - they love it. Do this three times a day. Say things like 'It's too heavy for me'. Doing this makes them feel protective of you.
· When you are offered help, accept it.
· Talk to men in a feminine baby-voice.
· Practice being feminine and flirty every day to men everywhere so that it becomes second nature. Things such as asking a man for assistance at the supermarket and smiling and saying thank you in a feminine voice.
· Use your feminine charm on everyone around you.
· Look your best, put on makeup every day, smell good, be well groomed, have nice nails.
· Speak to him as if he's a person and not a child - don't try to control him. Mothers control their children and men don't want to have sex with their mother.
· Ask for what you want, but do it in a feminine way.
· Act like the prize to be the prize.
· Be unpredictable - men will get bored of you if you are too predictable. If you are unpredictable it is exciting to them plus scares them a little too. They will wonder why you are different.
· Don't talk so much.
· Mirror how he acts to bring him closer. Say your man is a bit distant; my natural inclination is to wonder what is wrong, try and talk to him etc. That is clingy, a better way to behave is mirror that - be busy doing your own things, happy but busy and let him come looking for you when he comes out of his cave.
· Be feminine in everything you do - surround yourself with reminders of your femininity - i.e. a pink phone cover.
· Be the receiver not the giver.
· Let him think up ideas, with your subtle input.
· Hardly ever text or call him at work, unless you need him to pick up something.
· Dress up every day for no reason.
· Smile.
· Always be levelling up.
· Have a plan B.
· Don't tell him your plans for the day or where you have been - be a little mysterious and let him wonder what you've been up to.
· Keep the mystery alive with privacy - closet, bathroom etc.
· Don't do everything together.
· Have hobbies and interests of your own.
· Make him feel like a man by asking his advice, seeking help from him, not trying to tell him what to do etc.
· Keep up with new trends and the latest styles. Try new looks, buy new clothes, look cute.
· Make him feel younger by being fresh, new and exciting.
· Be excited by life and easily impressed.
· Go on vacation, go out to places.
· Do new things and turn him on to new things. Do new things in bed.
· Change your looks - look different, be different.
· Listen to the latest music.
· Keep up with the latest trends in things.
· Be an exciting adventure.
· Be happy go lucky, not a care in the world, everything is fun.
· Head up, chin up, look around, smile.
· Get all excited when you talk about little things.
· Light up when you talk to people.
· Bring a high energy.
· Wear your hair long and straight or smooth-wavy.
· Be seasonal - with your look/outfit, eating, décor.
· Reinvent yourself regularly.
· Play different characters for fun.
· Channel someone else when you go out.
· Be constantly changing and improving.
· Be a lively woman - bubbly, happy, exciting, smiling, lifts their spirits, fun to be around.
· Grab his hand and pull him along like a child.
· Be energetic and breathe life into others.
· Mirror his body language about 10-30 seconds later.
· Try new things, new looks.
· Practice your charm on waiters etc.
· Be a people watcher in different environments depending on the lifestyle you desire.
· Look from the outside in - how do people view you? How attractive are you?
· Transform yourself.
· Be his ultimate fantasy girl.
· Look good, do your makeup every day.
· Speak to your him as if he is a person and not a child.
· ‘Can you help me/lift that/get me a blanket?’ in a baby voice. Get him used to looking after you. ‘This is too heavy for me, I can’t reach it’. Do this three times a day minimum.
· Ask for what you want in a feminine way.
· Use the baby voice.
· Be extra feminine.
· Be charming – smile, don’t argue – agree (but do exactly what you want anyway).
· Ask for help from men.
· When you are offered anything, accept it.
· Talk to men in a feminine nature.
· Practice being feminine and flirty every do so that it becomes second nature to you – it will become easier with practice.
· Ask questions and smile.
· Play a bit dumb (not stupid; request their knowledge).
· Use your feminine charm on everyone around you – practice on any man to get better.
· Never get too comfortable (don’t let yourself go).
· Keep the illusion going – makeup, hair, lotion, fragrance.
· Look like you did when you first met (me: 66-67kg, long blonde hair, stylish clothes).
· Men are visual creatures and your hair is foremost – long, silky and straight.
· Have your makeup on, look cute.
· Shera’s husband treated her differently when she gained weight and then lost weight.
· Shera’s advice to a lady who gained 40 pounds and now her husband isn’t attracted to her: ‘Lose 40 pounds’.
· Still look sexy even if you’ve been together a while.
· Exfoliate your face and body.
· Have glowing, moisturised skin.
· Use highlighter on your face.
· Wear perfume, body lotion, nicely scented products.
· Wear red lipstick, eye makeup.
· Wear light, modern perfumes.
· Have simple, nice nails.
· Tell him that whatever you want is your ‘ultimate fantasy’.

~~

If you want to be married to a rich man, dress like a rich man’s wife.

~~

Be unbothered

It’s so amazing to just not care. You have no idea how much better your life gets when you stop caring. When you stop caring about stuff that’s not beneficial to you, everything blossoms, everything. Because your attention is no longer on anything negative, it’s all on you, and so you blossom.

How to keep your man chasing you? Be busy, don’t call him all the time. Have a hobby or a business and let him have to go looking for you.

~~

Did you ever feel insecure about your weight?

“No.

At any weight my mental game was tight, it was good. I could get anything I wanted, so it never really held me back. The only thing that would ever make me feel insecure about anything is… I really don’t have a lot of insecurities anymore. I had the normal insecurities of a child. But when I grew up and I understood that you could take your power from any situation, you no longer have insecurities.

If I was insecure about my weight, I wouldn’t be up here on YouTube, and if someone says something about how I look, I don’t care. I say Okay yeah and so what? I’m eating good, I’m living good. It doesn’t bother me, because that’s not what defines me. I’m gonna get paid skinny or fat. I’m gonna be happy at whatever makes me feel happiest. So it’s all about how you feel about yourself and how you value yourself. You don’t base your self-worth on what other people think about you.

And the reason why I teach people you gotta look good if you want to turn heads and make men cross the room is because if you are trying to get a date, yes, you have to be concerned with what other people find attractive. But that should not ever play a role in your own personal self-esteem.

Whatever you need to feel good at the time, tomorrow or today, that’s what you need to be doing.”

~~

My mom thinks she is the most innocent creature in the world, and my dad is a narcissist who I don't talk to much. They got separated, and my dad got custody of my sister and me. He didn't want to raise us, but my uncle and grandpa made him take us home. He didn't really raise us; my uncle and aunt did. My grandpa, sister, uncle, and I all live in the same house, which is common in Southeast Asia.
Let's talk about my mom, Susan. She cheated on my dad, Jake, with her friend. When Jake found out, he begged Susan not to leave him. He even threatened to harm himself and made us beg her to stay too. We didn’t say anything, so he threatened to kick us out of school and make us work as waiters. He said mean things about us, claiming we weren’t his kids, and he cried and screamed at all of us (my grandpa, uncle, aunt, sister, and me). My uncle sent him to therapy every week, but I think he was faking it. He cried without shedding a single tear, more like a child begging for candy.
This all started during summer break and continued when school resumed. I couldn’t focus on my studies and failed my exams. I was usually smart, so my teacher asked if something had happened. I lied and said everything was okay.
After the divorce, Susan took us to stay temporarily with her sister and nephew. Her sister accused us of being happy that our parents' marriage broke up, asking if we thought we could live happily while Susan suffered. Surprisingly, I didn't care because I didn't love them; they weren't good parents. They were abusive, but I didn't say anything and just listened to her lecture.
Susan acted like the victim, pretending to be a sweet, innocent girl. Her sister lectured us about how our parents' divorce would lead to us living on the streets and begging for money.
We went to court, and Jake won custody. He said we couldn't meet Susan anymore, and I didn't care. After a month or two of not seeing us, Susan connected with us on social media, saying she missed us and was lonely. We felt sad and visited her every month. She seemed nice, and we thought she had changed. But when we got busy and didn't visit for a month, she told her relatives we weren’t talking to her. We sometimes video call her when no one is home and sneak out once a month to see her.
Today, my uncle from Susan's side messaged my sister, saying we should talk to our mom. I don’t know how many relatives she has told that we aren’t talking to her. Now, I think I should block her on social media and never go to her and her boyfriend’s home again.
So, AITA for not visiting my mom often after my parents' divorce?
I am 16 and eng is my second so my English grammar might not be good.

I have an older brother as well.
When I was younger my mother did a lot for me as a child she took care of me and fed me. However I noticed as time went on I noticed patterns that I started to hate her.
My mom would throw her problems on me about her marriage (they are divorced now). She would always judge every friend I ever had, sometimes distancing herself from me and staying quiet around me. She would get mad if I hung out with my friends to much or on the phone with them, Sometimes when I we would argue should would bring them up randomly saying how they changed me (I was 11 years old at the time). She would always send my older brother to go scream at me and I would be really scared. He once even grabbed me and shook me very violently. Than she would pull my older brother away and tell him not to do that.
Later on in my teenage years she would be mad if I had a girlfriend. She would pretend not to see my girlfriend and just keep walking passed them. All the time I would be dating someone she would be miserable it seemed. In arguments she would randomly tell me "If you love them so much stop telling my your problems and tell them your problems, go marry them while your at it!" When ever my relationships would end due to normal circumstances she would seem to comfort me but at the same time seemed to be a lot lighter and happier again with herself.
My brother listened to her, he did everything she said. He had no friends and never had a girlfriend and never worked. She used to be so proud of him, but behind his back she would talk shit about him and how he is ruining his own life. Yet she was the one that wanted him to stay single all to herself. My brother and my mom were always together it was bizarre.
She even used to be obsessed with my "masturbation habits and porn habits saying it was a sin" she would constantly check on me if I was doing anything. She would randomly bring it up being like "Have you masturbated today?" Like for god sake I was 16 years old!
When I got a full time job she starting treating my differently, she got aggressive with me more, started picking more fights with me. She starting saying I had anger issues (Which I did because I dealt with her so much). She would send my brother to yell and hit me sometimes but when my brother would start doing that she would start crying on the floor saying the family is tearing apart, until I would stop and do what she says.
I started to rebel when I got my full time job, I just started hanging out with friends, went on relationships and did what ever the hell I wanted, I told myself she can go fuck herself. I started acting out towards her. I started to become violent to her and my brother.
I started hitting my mother, held her down, beat her with a phone once, broke down the door she hid behind after coming into my room to yell at me that I was going out with friends and that I was changing as a person and she did not like it. My mom called me psycho, she threatened to call the police on me. I started to have dreams of murdering my mother constantly. I was tired of the life she had created for me.
She kicked me out of the house after and made my older brother stay with her, I moved in with my father across the state (We live in United States Arizona) and than moved in to my own Condo after 1 year. The reason she kicked me out was because I was dating someone and she told me that she cannot continue to house me if I kept living like that (I was 20 when I was kicked out).
A year later I still kept contact with my mom, things seemed a little better but tension was still there. However when I went to visit once at the house my brother and her escorted me around the house because they said I was not living there anymore and just wanted to make sure I did not take anything from there house. My mother even got mad when I took a shower once saying "You don't live here anymore, take it at home".
When I met my wife (girlfriend at the time) my mother had a issue with her, the first thing she told her was "Why are you with my son, you know he has a lot of problems" my wife is Arab (I am white American) so my mom used to pass comments about her saying to me behind her back "Be careful of those people, you know there families can be aggressive and kidnap you, they hold ransoms sometimes" or things like "Just make sure you don't catch a disease from them". When I told my mother I was getting married she became even worse about her. My mother and brother did not attend my wedding. On my wedding day my mother wrote me a long paragraph on how I ruined her life, she cannot believe the son she raised and how disrespectful I am to her, she even managed to talk a lot of my family to not go to my wedding. She told me you may be getting married but I am always still your mother I will always love you more than she ever will. When you were little I took care of you, I wiped up after you, I cleaned you, bathed you, fed you and this is how you repay me! After my wedding day on my honeymoon I turned off my phone. When I got back from Greece I had a wall of texts of how I am a failure, how I ruined everything for her, she hates her life now. I even heard from others that know her that she got super sick when i got married, threw up, and just in miserable now.
I decided that my wife and my own life should come first. I decided to cut contact with her, it was the hardest thing I ever did but I feel it was the best thing.
AITA for this? Sorry for the long read but I wanted to explain my story. Feels good to finally say it. You can be honest and judge, but I feel such relief ever since cutting her out and my psychy has been better ever since, no more anxiety.

Hey Everyone,
I am planning to get married in US without any ceremony (our family is in India) with my fiance and later go to India next year for a reception. How do I do it? The process seems a bit complicated to get the marriage certificate in Massachusetts. The steps that I know are:

1. Get the marriage license which is valid for 60 days.
   
2. Now with the marriage license, get it officiated. But I am unable to understand who is going to be the officiant in my case where there is no priest or ceremony?
   

Has anyone gone through such a process?

I just want to share my story, but I'll try to refrain from waxing poetic.
I called off my engagement in February, came out to my ex-fiance in March, and retrieved the last of my belongings from his place yesterday. I didn't want the rest, but he did ask me to get them so I did.
It feels bittersweet at times, but the sense of relief I have from not having to pretend is astounding. I feel like I was trapped and caged and now I am free.
I've known I was gay since I was 13. I am now 39. I tried coming out to my mom and sister 5 times in 25 years. Each time they convinced me to stay in the closet. We're immigrants and homosexuality is just not that accepted in my homeland (although it's getting better). My internalized homophobia was beyond compare.
I have severe generalized anxiety, panic disorder, and OCD with harm intrusive thoughts. I have absolutely no doubt that these were exasperated by my absolute terror of being "discovered." Meanwhile, I've been "clocked" as gay throughout my whole life. I am a (softish) masc and used to get misgendered all the time, etc. Plenty of people would be surprised to learn I was engaged to a man, etc. Of course, it was all a lie. The shame and guilt of what I did to him is huge, but it did take two. We were best friends and engaged for six years. I believed I loved him, but the thought of actually going through marriage terrified me. I would have dreams about our wedding day and cry in the morning, etc. We rarely had sex. I would play it off as low libido, etc. on my end. I'm actually shocked that we stayed together so long, but whatever his issue was is no longer my problem. He can figure that out on his own. I gave him everything I could.
My mental health suffered tremendously throughout the years. I've been hospitalized twice (partial hospitalization and outpatient). In February, I spent 5 days inpatient in the psychiatric ward under "that" watch. I simply did not wish to live anymore. My life was miserable and everything in it seemed awful (my job, the way I viewed myself, etc.)
At one point I developed a raging addiction to Valium because I had to numb the pain of my existence. Recovery has been difficult.
It's finally over and I'm fully out. I have no idea what the future will hold but at least I am happy. I like my job again. Life doesn't feel like a chore. I can do what I want. I can breathe.
I have never been on a date with a woman but even knowing that it's now POSSIBLE is enough to keep me happy.
If you are struggling please know that yes, it WILL hurt, but not as much as staying.
I know that everyone's story is different, but my mom and sister have always known I'm gay. Your family may as well. I used to dream about running away and starting a new life so I wouldn't have to come out. People have surprised me so much. I feel seen and loved by the people around me, even those I was convinced wouldn't accept me.

I’m applying for an Irish passport (born outside Ireland in UK) and I have a certified copy of my Irish mother’s birth certificate and a certified copy of my parents’ marriage certificate. Are these sufficient for the application, or are the original certificates required?
I can’t find the full original documents anywhere and scared my application will be rejected!
I’d appreciate any advice with this!
Thanks!

I can list my credentials and positive qualities about myself.
And then I can listen to outsiders list the negatives.
I am an honest woman, who has faced systemic barriers, due to age (now), my never married- childfree status, (gender non-conforming).
I see people suggest things like apply to be a legal secretary or admin, "it takes time to train you to become a paralegal."
But they don't know what I can do and have done. They assume I have the same skills that they do, the same knowledge and learning capacity.
No one asks me questions and just glances at my resume but doesn't know what skills I used in those jobs.
Maybe I am qualified to study for LSAT to apply for law school. Maybe I have that skill level, but due to health and financial reasons, I can't do that, so Paralegal work is just fine.
Maybe I wrote my own petition, motions and interacted with opposing counsel, and used Pacer.
How much "training," would it really take me to be a paralegal if I already worked in Insurance, Mortgage, Property Management and all areas of Human Resources?
I've performed analytical and research work, used proprietary software systems, Microsoft, Teams, and performed confidential file case management work.
Despite some people's beliefs that college isn't necessary, I've worked my way through college twice, earning a little beyond a Masters including professional industry certifications. Some people say degrees are worthless. I don't generalize like that. Some people work and go to school at night, others, lived on campus all 4 years and enjoyed the college experience.
I have not denigrated anyone for graduating from college.
I not shamed anyone for choosing marriage and children. But those who do, have a different skill set than a woman who never took the mommy and wife route.
Many completely long term singles developed survival skill, resourcefulness, and interpersonal skills, all while remaining single and childfree in our family-centric world.
I need to be honest. If you were an attorney looking to hire a paralegal, I would build trust and he transparent and share about my prior Civil legal matters. I'd have to. And then I would hope that you would recognize my integrity, and courage, to stand up for what is right and for doing what is right, despite being blacklisted from working in the private sector.
Does anyone know of a law firm who would potentially consider me for paralegal work in Illinois? I would absolutely love this kind of work.
I need an income for an apt, utilities, food, car, insurance for car, health, dental, vision, and living needs to be successful.

I can list my credentials and positive qualities about myself.
And then I can listen to outsiders list the negatives.
I am an honest woman, who has faced systemic barriers, due to age (now), my never married- childfree status, (gender non-conforming).
I see people suggest things like apply to be a legal secretary or admin, "it takes time to train you to become a paralegal."
But they don't know what I can do and have done. They assume I have the same skills that they do, the same knowledge and learning capacity.
No one asks me questions and just glances at my resume but doesn't know what skills I used in those jobs.
Maybe I am qualified to study for LSAT to apply for law school. Maybe I have that skill level, but due to health and financial reasons, I can't do that, so Paralegal work is just fine.
Maybe I wrote my own petition, motions and interacted with opposing counsel, and used Pacer.
How much "training," would it really take me to be a paralegal if I already worked in Insurance, Mortgage, Property Management and all areas of Human Resources?
I've performed analytical and research work, used proprietary software systems, Microsoft, Teams, and performed confidential file case management work.
Despite some people's beliefs that college isn't necessary, I've worked my way through college twice, earning a little beyond a Masters including professional industry certifications. Some people say degrees are worthless. I don't generalize like that. Some people work and go to school at night, others, lived on campus all 4 years and enjoyed the college experience.
I have not denigrated anyone for graduating from college.
I not shamed anyone for choosing marriage and children. But those who do, have a different skill set than a woman who never took the mommy and wife route.
Many completely long term singles developed survival skill, resourcefulness, and interpersonal skills, all while remaining single and childfree in our family-centric world.
I need to be honest. If you were an attorney looking to hire a paralegal, I would build trust and he transparent and share about my prior Civil legal matters. I'd have to. And then I would hope that you would recognize my integrity, and courage, to stand up for what is right and for doing what is right, despite being blacklisted from working in the private sector.
Does anyone know of a law firm who would potentially consider me for paralegal work in Illinois? I would absolutely love this kind of work.
I need an income for an apt, utilities, food, car, insurance for car, health, dental, vision, and living needs to be successful.

My girlfriend and I were together for two years, part of it was long distance. We were previously good friends for 5 years, then she was the one that caught feelings and pursued me first. During our relationship she always told me things like “I’m the one”, we talked about how we would get married and grow old together, she made so many promises that she was 100% sure of me and that she’d never leave. She would say things like “we’ve known each other in every lifetime”. We got together even though I was leaving for a masters study, she said she thought she’d never do long distance again but for me it was worth it, bc she was 100% sure I’m the guy she wants. I left a week after we got together, and I was gone for about a year. During that time we visited once a month, it was always great. I eventually moved back and we spent another year together in person. I’m sorry if this post is too long.
She ended things about a month ago. During the breakup she gave me very vague answers so I couldn’t get the closure I needed. I decided to reach out a week after the breakup to ask why she did it, and what she said killed me inside.
She said that she knew we were compatible and I’m an amazing person but felt like she was settling for me, and she didn’t want to live her life like that when she thinks she can find something better. She said she believes in that soulmate connection with one person when you know deep inside you that this is “it”, and she didn’t feel like that with me, she didn’t think I was “it”. But we did say to each other during the relationship that this was “it”, she told me so many times that I’m the one, so I don’t know how a flip just switched in her brain. She also said she realized she didn’t love me in the way “real love” is, and maybe she just loved the idea of me. She said she always felt the need to be accepted and loved by people and I made her feel like that. She said when you truly love someone you’d sacrifice things for them, and she wouldn’t sacrifice things for me. She said she was forcing herself to be comfortable around me, and it wasn’t the type of comfort that it should be with “the one”.
How the fuck does it take you two years to realize you don’t love someone in the way “real love” is? Especially after all the emotional intimacy we shared. How could you be uncomfortable with me? I was her first kiss, her first hand hold, she said she was saving those things for the right person and she did them with me. Why would she feel like shes settling for me when she’s the one that pursued me first? She went all out to “get me” and be in a relationship with me. Am I really the type of guy that gets settled for? That hurts like hell. She said she was having all these thoughts during the last 4 months of the relationship. But literally a month ago, I felt that she’s been a bit cold, and I asked if everything was okay. She said “nothings wrong, I’ve been really stressed with school/work. But nothings wrong with us, maybe something’s just wrong with me with all the stress. But we’re good, that doesn’t mean I don’t love you or that I’d ever give up on us, I’d never do that. Don’t worry I still love you and I’ll always be here.” She said that word for word. So she was lying to me? Why would you lie instead of communicating openly? If she had told me she was having those thoughts it would’ve been easier for me, but she gave me that reassurance and then blindsided me a month later. I told her it’s normal to lose feelings in a relationship after a while, that eventually that initial spark or honeymoon phase ends, and that’s when the real relationship starts and you work on building a life together. Love eventually becomes a choice and not just a feeling. But she said she wouldn’t lose feelings with the right person. Now I’m the wrong person when she literally told me a million times that we were always meant for each other. I told her I think she’ll end up being disappointed when she realizes there is no “one” person that gives you that magical feeling for life, you eventually reach a point where you have to choose that person everyday. Relationships are hard and most of them end up losing that initial spark, but it’s an opportunity for a new kind of love to blossom, a love based off commitment and loyalty to each other. That’s the only way a relationship can last forever. And during our relationship we even acknowledged that fact together and we told each other that if the feelings fade we will always choose each other no matter what happens. It makes no sense to me. And if she actually lost feelings and fell out of love, that’s fine. But to say she never loved me in the way “real love” is, that makes no sense to me and it’s killing me inside. Have I just been blind and stupid the entire relationship? How does it take TWO YEARS to realize that? She said to me, “maybe you can choose someone and settle for them and learn to love them, but I believe there’s one person out there that is meant for me and when I find them I will know it deep inside me.” Yea, I believed that too. I believed it because I thought it was you. Just because I chose you doesn’t mean I’m settling for you or learning to love you. I thought you were meant for me. It’s so ridiculous I don’t understand, she used to be so sure that I was the one, she knew it deep inside her that I was. And now she’s saying that when she finds it, she’ll know. Well you knew it with me and now you don’t.
Part of me understands why she lost feelings, we didn’t really have a strong base. We were together for only a week before I left for a year. I feel like it wasn’t enough time for the physical attraction to build up and to get to know each other in person. By the time we visited each other, a lot of time had passed and the spark wasn’t the same as the beginning, it was kinda awkward at first. We got into a serious committed relationship talking about future marriage, before we ever hugged each other. She was scared to kiss me, maybe that’s why she said she was forcing herself to be comfortable. But eventually we kissed and it was great. During the visits it felt like everything was going great and that our relationship was getting stronger. I didn’t think that she was uncomfortable. I feel like if we had done all the intimate things in the beginning, we would have a base to build off of and the spark would be alive.
Also I keep blaming myself and wondering what I did wrong. I’m just certain that it’s my fault, that I made her lose attraction. Maybe I wasn’t manly enough or attractive enough. Maybe I was too boring or uninteresting or too “stable”. Being in love with someone basically means you have to be sexually attracted to them first, that’s what separates family love from romantic love. Maybe I didn’t do enough to keep her attracted to me, so she felt like she lost feelings. It was really hard with the distance. I tried, I really tried. I would always flirt and tease her, I tried not to let the relationship feel like it was a platonic friendship over time. I was always confident and “manly” with her, I stood my ground when she did things I didn’t like, I wasn’t needy. We sexted and video called all the time. I always planned amazing dates. I tried to keep the fun alive. I don’t know what else I could’ve done to keep her attracted. I truly feel like if we had been in person the whole time, it would’ve worked and she would’ve still been attracted to me. It’s just different when you’re there physically. But we both knew this, we acknowledged that it was gonna be hard and the feelings may fade, but we said we’d always choose each other no matter what. Maybe it was inevitable with the distance, but at the end she said it wasn’t because of the distance, she believes with the right person the distance wouldn’t matter. So I just wasn’t the right person for her, I was for a while, but I let her lose attraction for me. Your view on love and attraction may differ, but I learned that it’s the guy’s responsibility to keep a woman attracted, it’s about how he acts and behaves that keeps her attracted. So it’s my fault she lost attraction, it’s something I did. For example when I look back at the first visit, a mistake I made was asking to kiss her instead of just going for it. She said no, maybe because I came off as unconfident and that turned her off. I was so nervous during the first visit because there was so much expectation built up inside my head. Maybe that prevented me from being able to genuinely enjoy myself around her and attract her. Eventually though, we got comfortable with each other and we kissed and it was great. I felt the spark was there. I don’t think she met someone else, I asked her and she said no. Yea maybe she could’ve lied, but i know her and I don’t think she would do that. She said “you know me, I would never allow myself to do that while I’m in a relationship. The reasons are solely because I don’t feel in love with you anymore.”
We hit a little rut near the end because we were both very busy, but I didn’t think it was concerning because she always gave reassurance and made it seem like everything is fine. It feels like shit hearing that someone was settling for me. Why wasn’t I enough? I keep looking back and thinking what I could’ve done different to keep her attracted. I keep nitpicking at myself and feeling insecure about the way I am. She was so sure of me in the beginning so I must’ve done something along the way to make her lose feelings. She let me tear my walls down and trust her fully, then she left. It feels like I’m not worthy of love because she saw something in me and decided she didn’t want me. What hurts the most is that to me, she was “it”, to me she was the one. And she said that to me too and I believed her. I felt that she truly meant it when she said that. She would tell me she was always attracted to me and had feelings during our friendship but she “locked them in a box” because she was too afraid. She even told me that I was a walking green flag and that I was perfect and I did nothing wrong. It hurts to know she thinks that yet she still decided she didn’t want me. It kills to know that one day she’ll get married, he’ll get to hold her and kiss her and have a family, and it won’t be with me. I can’t stand the thought of her being intimate with someone else. And it’s the thought that, whoever she ends up with, will be better than me in a way. She will love him more than she loved me. He will make her feel what I couldn’t make her feel. And I’m blaming myself so much that I couldn’t make her feel like that anymore. I’m grieving the future that we both planned together. I feel so betrayed, I feel like shit. Most of all I just really miss her, we knew each other for 7 years and now we’re just strangers again.
I’ve been hurt before, I’ve had a few breakups, but this one hurts the most. I don’t know what it is about this girl that makes me feel like I’ll never find anyone better. I know that time heals everything but I feel like this has damaged me on a deep level, I feel like I can’t let my walls down again. I don’t want to love again and risk getting hurt. I can’t invest myself fully into someone if I’m always afraid they’re going to blindside me. I know a breakup shouldn’t define your self worth, but it’s just the idea that the person I loved doesn’t see herself spending her life with me anymore, that makes me feel really bad. It’s the thought that she saw something in me that made her decide she doesn’t love me. She analyzed our relationship and thought “I want someone better”. The thought that it’s my fault, that it’s something I did. I didn’t have enough “game”. I couldn’t keep her attraction high. I can’t stand the idea of her getting married one day and finding her “it”. Of course I want her to be happy but I’d be lying if I said that doesn’t kill me inside.
Nobody is perfect but she was close to it. She’s such a rare breed, she had everything I wanted in a woman and it’s so hard to come by. I wish I had a reason to hate her but she’s genuinely an amazing person. She did nothing bad to me, we barely fought and when we did it was very gentle. Our entire relationship was pretty much perfect up until the end. I’ve never been with someone that was this compatible with me. She’s the kindest human, she’s intelligent, she’s very mature, she’s beautiful inside and out, she’s very warm and gentle. And the fact that she’s such a sweet and genuine person makes it way harder. If she had cheated or something I think this would’ve been easier on me, because I’d see her as a bad person. But she’s not a bad person. It hurts way more knowing that she was feeling like she wanted to end things, but at the same time she was trying to convince herself to love me, because she didn’t want to hurt me. She didn’t want to break her promises, she was trying so hard not to, but in the end she couldn’t lie to herself anymore. Why do I have to feel like someone has to convince themselves to love me? Why does someone have to force themselves to believe I’m the one? Why can’t anyone ever just truly believe it with their entire soul, that they want to be with me. When I asked for reassurance and she told me she still loved me and would never give up, she was trying to convince herself because she didn’t want to hurt me. It was all lies. Every “I love you” in the last 4 months was a lie. I feel like such an idiot that I was sitting there for the past 4 months thinking that everything was going great. She was just faking her affection the whole time. Imagine hearing that someone was forcing themselves to love you. No one was forcing you! The exit door has always been open, no one forced her to stay, no one forced her to pursue me in the first place. I told her many times that I just want truth and transparency in our relationship, yet she hid all of those things. She said she hid them because she cared about me and didn’t want to hurt me, and she was trying to make it work. But if she truly cared for me, she would know that I deserve honesty, I deserve to know the truth even if it hurts. I don’t deserve to live in a lie. If she cared for me she would let me go find someone who truly loves me, instead of just pretending to love me. By lying, she was only caring about herself, to relieve herself of the guilt. The breakup would’ve been way smoother if she just told the truth from the start, but now I feel like an idiot who sat there for 4 months thinking that everything was going well, when in reality it wasn’t.
There’s so many things I loved about her. I loved the way she cries during every movie, she thinks she’s too sensitive but I think it’s beautiful to feel your emotions that deeply. I loved the way her face lights up when she smiles. I loved how she would call me just to tell me silly little things about her day. I loved her curiosity and wonder for the universe. I loved how she would run into my arms when she saw me. She just understood me, and I understood her. I can’t hate her, I wish I could, but I just love her with all my heart. I don’t think I’ll ever stop. Even when 20 years pass and I’m over this and we’re both married to other people, I will still love her and wish the best for her. I miss her so much, I miss talking to her. I know we can't be friends, but I really wish I could still have her in my life. But I shouldn't wish that I guess, because she decided she wants to live her life without me in it. I can’t believe she could decide to lose me forever when she always said she could never live without me.
The worst part is, I reacted to the break up very emotionally. I showed how hurt I was, I wrote a long paragraph, and I brought up all the promises she made. That was a mistake, it probably killed any ounce of attraction she had left. If there was any chance of her coming back or realizing it was a mistake, I destroyed that chance. I made it look like I can’t live without her. I didn’t beg for her back at all, but I kept pushing for answers and explanations. I asked her what I did wrong and stuff, and that made me look super desperate. I should’ve just accepted the break up immediately and cut off all communication. Maybe then she would’ve thought about it, she would wonder why I wasn’t upset and have second thoughts about her decision. It would make me look more attractive in her eyes. But no I ruined it forever. Now all I want to do is salvage some respect, to make her see me as a valuable person. Not as someone who can’t live without her. Deep down I really want her to have a change of heart, I want her to feel re-attracted somehow, after having some time and space away from the situation. But I ruined her image of me. Now I’m looking back and analyzing every little thing about our relationship and wondering what I should’ve done better. I realized I made a lot of mistakes, which at the time I didn’t think were mistakes, but now looking back it’s probably my fault she lost attraction. I didn’t do enough.
I told myself during the relationship that “everything is temporary, don’t get too attached, life can change at any moment”. I know those things because I’ve learned my lessons from the past, but this is still killing me. I know almost everyone has been heartbroken, I’m nothing special, every human has been through this before. I just need to hear that it wasn’t my fault or that I’ll find someone better eventually. I’m blaming myself a lot right now and I keep thinking that she wouldn’t have left if I had been attractive enough. I generally consider myself a confident person but this has set me back a lot, it’s ruining my self esteem. Maybe I have attachment issues that I need to work on. I know that time will heal this, but right now I can’t imagine myself finding someone that’s better. I feel like the idea of “the one” has been ruined for me. I want to believe it, but I don’t think I do anymore. Even if I find another person who I think is the one, there’s always the possibility that they will change their mind. There’s always a chance that all of their words and actions were just lies. A lot of people get into relationships because they love the idea of being in love, not because they are actually in love with the person.
Thank you for reading this far, I know it’s a long post. I needed somewhere to vent, I don’t have many people to talk to. When I cry, I cry alone. And during the act of crying I start to hate myself for being such a bitch. I know it’s perfectly okay to cry and feel your emotions but it’s hard to escape the conditioning that I’m used to. I have friends and family but, I can’t express my emotions the way I did in this post. People have their own lives and worries and they don’t want to deal with someone’s silly heartbreak I guess.
TL;DR - my gf and I broke up a month ago, she said she was settling for me and that I wasn’t the “one”, even though she made promises and assured me that she wouldn’t leave. I keep blaming myself and wondering what I did wrong.

The now deceased guru Robert Adams was Robert Spiegel, and there is a huge history.

Did Robert Adams really meet Ramana Maharshi? The answer is a decisive NO! His claim of being at Ramana Ashram anytime between 1946-1950 has been proven false.
Some things that stand out in this report is that Robert Adams is obviously Robert Spiegel by the pictures. Also, by his marriage certificate to Leonie Maxwell who has been positively identified as Nicole Adams and linked to the Infinity Institute. The address listed as “1985 Bathgate Ave. Bronx, N.Y.” on his marriage certificate and military record leaves no room for doubt: we are referring to the correct Robert Spiegel. He was born in 1932, making him 16 years old in 1948.
If you scroll to the bottom and examine his military record he worked from 1948-1951 as a General Clerk for the Brazilian Trade Bureau in NYC before he began active duty from 1951-1954 where he served in Korea and was awarded a Bronze Medal for valor in combat. He separated from the US Army in Jan. 14, 1954, married Nicole (Leonie) in 1954 and had his first child Sharon (aka Melanie/Amber) in 1957; second daughter Michelle (aka Avantae) in 1960. He obtained a mail order doctorate degree from the “College of Divine Metaphysics,” in Indianapolis, Indiana (still around) and traveled the USA lecturing on “Science of the Mind,” and a “7 Day Stop Smoking” program as Dr. J. Robert Spiegel.
At this writing Nicole Adams (aka Leonie Maxwell) is alive, 95 years old, and in a hospital (Cape Fear Valley Medical Center) in Fayetteville, North Carolina; two of her grandchildren are missing and there is an ongoing police investigation regarding their adoptive mother Michelle/Avantae who now goes by the name Avantae Deven. Avantae continues to post quotes about love, light, and peace, her idyllic childhood with saintly (rarely home) Robert Adams, and human brotherhood while refusing to answer questions about her two missing children —their possible whereabouts — or why she waited almost 1.5 years to make her strange 911 call to report them missing. https://selfreflexiveloopphotography.photo.blog/2024/05/16/advaita-teacher-robert-adams-was-really-robert-spiegel/