How 2 brake into peoples facebook
Real Life Doodles
2015.01.25 23:20 VilliThor Real Life Doodles
GIFs and videos that have been doodled on!
2012.03.18 03:29 LoveBeingLoved Metal Mania!
Metal subculture oriented DIY jacket/vest community, we are about music, not ideology. Please read the rules before posting.
2014.11.15 12:08 Opechan By Natives, About Natives and The Americas.
Native American and Indigenous news, happenings, cultures, politics, arts, community, and thought. Give us your local, give us your Pan-Indian, Aleut, Hawaiian, Yupik, Inuit, and Métis; it's all good. We accept all Indigenous Peoples. Please consider checking out our community on the Old Reddit design model: https://old.reddit.com/IndianCountry/
2024.05.19 19:19 Subject_Actuator1280 Something brightly yellow in the water
The bright yellow terror
‘’Every now and then I would stare at the murky brown water below and see several small glimpses of bright yellow popping up from and then retreating down below the surface in rhythmic fashion. Like a dance routine. Bright deadly yellow. The rotting sweet stench of death still lodged in my nostrils.’’
I had happened upon these diary pages by mistake when I was digging through old boxes in my basement. My wife had insisted, finally, that I sort out and get rid of everything I didn’t need. Now here I was, confronted with a part of my past I had tried to suppress unsuccessfully for so many years. 24 years to be exact. 24 odd years of trying to understand what exactly happened in those days when I was trapped on a rooftop in Phuket during a deadly and disastrous natural catastrophe.
24 odd years of having to dodge around questions of my abject and unwavering fear of the ocean. Well, in truth, I guess being caught in a large tsunami and witnessing immense destructive forces of nature coming directly from the great wide ocean would be a fair excuse, but it was only half the truth. It wasn’t just the waves themselves that had terrified me.
Until now, I thought the water damaged remains of the diary I kept back then was lost. I even hoped it was. I never shared this story with anyone. Partly because the horror was too fresh in my memory back then and I wanted to focus on moving on with my life and by the time I felt my mind was stabilized I had no real interest in returning to that dark part of my past. Partly because the right words always escaped me.
Mostly because I was afraid people would think I was insane. I can no longer contain this, however. I need an outlet. I spend years running from it. But I guess I can’t lie to myself anymore. Someone once told me that writing can be therapeutic. Simply putting your thoughts down on paper, or in our times, more likely in word document, can help you compartmentalize trauma. So, I’m giving it a try. I can’t pretend the events of those days in Phuket didn’t cast a shadow over everything in my life that came after.
I often think of the beach days I missed with my son when he was a boy. Days where I should’ve done dad stuff. Thrown him into the ocean. Watched him laugh his little face of as he braved the waves. Helped him build sandcastles. Gone exploring along the sandy shores in search of beached treasure in the form little rocks and the odd piece of amber. I just couldn’t. Initially I had objected to the idea of him going at all. Naturally, my wife would hear none of that and I realized reluctantly, that my fear and trauma should not rule my son’s life. Instead, my wife would go, and I would always stay home. She understood, to some degree, what I had gone through and where my fear came from.
Only to some degree. My son did not, and I fear he resented my absence on those perfect sunny days, despite my efforts to make up for it with other activities. Both he and my wife certainly noticed how closed off I was about certain parts of my past. Secrets untold, especially those who are grounded in trauma, almost inevitably turns to toxic in our systems. I’m finally ready. I just hope it isn’t too late.
I won’t lie. I’ve always had a vivid imagination although I have never had trouble distinguishing between what is real and what is not. At least until my sense of reality was forever challenged. I know these things happened to me. I know what I saw and what I experienced was real. I just don’t have a truly rational explanation for it. Yet, I swear, there was something in the water that came with that tsunami. Something deeply, deeply unnatural. Something brightly and oddly yellow. I had no other word for it than the bright yellow terror.
I had travelled to Thailand, more precisely Bangkok late December 2000. 19 years old about to turn 20. I was on one of those infamous and increasingly popular self-discovery trips. I had caught the fever. Like so many other young hopeful adventurers at the time I had seen The Beach. I had read into the wild by Jon Krakauer.
I watched Dicaprio walk the sandy shores of paradise and read on in excitement and awe as Christopher McCandles set out to become one with nature and discover himself. Kill the false being within and all that. In simple terms, I thought I’d try and find my own slice of heaven on earth. Expand my horizon. Get to know some new people. Learn something about myself in the process perhaps. I wasn’t exactly fleeing from anything, that wasn’t it. I had a loving although cuddling and overprotective family. Especially my mom would worry about me constantly (and still does).
Yes, I admit it. My parents had paved the way for me at almost every step. Made sure I got into the right schools. Made sure I never needed for money. I guess I got tired of feeling dependent on them. I stopped taking their money and saved up for the trip myself. It was time I stepped up. It was time I threw myself into the world to see what would happen. Hell of a time and place I picked for that.
The following story is based on the surviving pages of the diary I kept during the time and my own memory.
Bangkok 23rd December 2000. 4 days before the tsunami.
‘’My first day in Bangkok. Quite overwhelming but in a nice way. No one here to save me. No one here to tell me what to do. Thailand is hot and humid and there’s something in the air. I think it’s adventure. I think it’s limitless opportunity. I met a monkey in a diaper and got thoroughly beaten and lost 100 bath in a game of connect four by some 10-year-old kid. Got scammed as well though, I will have to wise up and learn the ropes. Avoid the yellow taxis. Go for the Tuk Tuks. Well, lesson learned. I met a guy who told me all kinds of terrifying things about Australia. Robert. I’m meeting him in Phuket a couple of days from now.’’
You could probably imagine the excitement bubbling within me. For the first time on my own. 19 years old. Prime of my life. In a strangely new and exotic city. Possibilities seemed endless. I still remember vividly driving off with the wind in my hair in a tuk-tuk as Bangkok unfolded before me with all its oriental mysticism and surrounding cityscapes. To be fair, I had never even seen an honest to god palm tree before as they simply couldn’t grow in the northern climate I was from.
I got myself stationed in a decent guesthouse around Khaosan Road. Everywhere I looked it seems others had gotten the same idea as me. Backpackers littered the streets and in a strange way, I felt at home amidst this quiet chaos, amidst the crowds of hopefully likeminded explorers, far, far away from home. The humidity was hitting me though, it was something I would have to get used to. It felt like a wet hot invisible blanket. Khaosan Road was perfect for me. A meeting place for young backpackers, with tons of opportunities to plan further travels. I did after all, not plan on staying in Bangkok for too long. It was just a stepping point to other adventures.
It was still early, and the humidity was clammy as hell. I was in the mood to socialize and with no real plans I simply ventured out into the streets of Bangkok, circling around the area where my guesthouse was located. It wasn’t long before the first opportunity presented itself in the form of a taxi driver calling me over. He offered to take me on a tour of the city. Foolish and naïve as I was, I indulged him. I remember how the cab driver lit up a doobie, joint, spliff, devil’s lettuce whatever you want to call it.
You know it as soon as you breathe in the air. Don’t get me wrong, I smoked myself, but letting a clearly high person drive me around the busy Bangkok traffic did not seem like a good idea. I should probably have asked to be let out that very moment, but as the kind of timid, shy type of person I was plus the desire to just go along with whatever happened come what may made me stay. Unsurprisingly I was eventually led to a store, fitted for a suit a didn’t want, and then subsequently charged an obscene amount for the cab ride. I didn’t have the courage to refuse his unreasonable demand. Noteworthy mention. That same night I heard from a fellow traveler that just recently someone had been stabbed in an argument with a cab driver. I didn’t let it get me down or drive me off course, because as you’ve probably gathered by now, I didn’t have a course.
As day turned to night and when the sun’s rays slowly disappeared behind the rooftops of Bangkok, the city itself began to transform. As if a part of it which had laid dormant, hidden away from the light, started to emerge.
Neon lights advertising different bars, people making all kinds of promises of untold pleasures and sensations. Tourists ready to party. All now filled the streets. Some seemed all too aware of what they were looking for, others simply drifted around aimlessly, in search of something unknown, something to spice up their existence. I found a small seemingly cool place called The Hangover. I swear to god, I wish to this day I hadn’t. Maybe then I wouldn’t have set my course for Phuket. In any case, I went in and pushed myself through the crowds of rowdy and loud tourists and up the bar where I ordered a Pina Colada. Please don’t judge me. I just really like coconuts and the song is pretty good as well. Standing at the crowded bar and looking around, hoping something interesting would catch my eye. But most of all, I was hoping someone would just take the first step and come talk to me.
Someone did. His name was Robert, and he was from Australia. A tall skinny and no-nonsense older guy who seemed quite experienced with all things Thailand. He eventually invited me down to his group of friends at the far back end of the bar. Robert spared no time telling me about himself. He had worked all kinds of jobs, in all kinds of places. Most recently he had worked as a guide in Phuket. Among other things he had arranged rock climbing expeditions. I probably forgot to mention, I was big into rock climbing and generally all kinds of outdoor activities back then.
I already had quite the climbing experience despite my young age. As Robert talked about all the places he’d been, he made me feel like the novice I was. That was never his intention though, as I quickly learned. He wasn’t a bragger. He just knew what he was talking about and when he laughed, he did it with his entire face and in a way that made you laugh with him and feel comfortable.
Eventually the conversation naturally gravitated towards Australia. A place I had always wanted to visit. He looked at me for a second, as if to contemplate something. Then told me to watch out for locals trying to play pranks on me. I was naturally interested in hearing more and that’s when he told me about drop bears. Supposedly drop bears are carnivorous versions of Koalas residing in trees to then drop down on unsuspecting victims and viciously attack them. We laughed quite a lot, and I admitted I would probably have believed the stories as I was a fairly naive person and the idea of hostile subspecies of koalas didn’t seem that farfetched to me. It would be typical of past me to get punked around like that. Our conversation then shifted towards Australian wildlife and fauna and the horrors residing within its diverse and complicated eco system. He told me about a plant not uncommonly referred to as the suicide plant. Dendrocnide moroides or more commonly known as stinging tree, stinging bush or gympie gympie apparently has such a nasty and painful sting it made a man commit suicide simply to escape the pain. Another dangerous inhabitant was the box jellyfish he explained.
Their sting was about as deadly as it gets. A single sting to a human will cause necrosis of the skin, excruciating pain and, if the dose of venom is large enough, cardiac arrest and death within minutes. I have always found jellyfish equal parts fascinating and equal parts frightening. Beautiful but deadly creatures. In fact, the ocean, in all its grand wide-reaching glory had always horrified me to some extent. So much unexplored space. Who truly knows what could be lurking down there? Robert quickly assured me, that as long as you take your precaution the likelihood of getting stung by a box jellyfish was rather small. They had signs up warning people against them. Generally, do not ignore these signs. They are there for a good reason.
It was getting late and before we said our goodbyes Robert suggested I meet him in Phuket, more precisely in the Khao Lak area on the 28th as that was the first day he would be able to. I thought why not? He seemed genuinely nice and knowledgeable. Just good company all around and he promised to show me the greatest climbing spots a bit away from the crowded tours. It was a start.
I would never meet Robert again. I don’t know what happened to him. Thinking back on those days leading up to the point the waves came crashing down always gives me an uneasy, sad, and melancholic feeling. The people I met in Bangkok talking about going south. Those I met in Phuket before it happened. I have no idea if they ended up as corpses floating through the murky brown waters or god forbid, victims of that unholy terror from the deep. I hope Robert wasn’t among those unfortunate souls who died or went… ‘’Missing’’. Although if I must pick one or the other. I would hope he died quickly.
Bangkok 24th of December 2000. 3 days before the tsunami.
I woke up with a slight hangover. Christmas is commonly celebrated on this date in my country, so I was expecting some calls to go through on my brick sized Nokia at some point once all the good folks back home woke up. They were about 5 hours behind me and at 9 AM Bangkok time they would still be sleeping. I used the time to do some shopping before my trip to Phuket. I got plenty of rope, a couple of snap hooks and a harness. I knew they’d have all of this on the guided tours, but I liked to find my own spots to climb, and I had good sense and knowledge enough to not attempt anything too daring. By the way. For those uninitiated, snap hooks are used to make a quick, reversible connection on a system of ropes, or to connect a rope or cord to another component, like a lanyard medallion or barrier post. Essential if you want to go climbing. If you’ve ever gone ziplining it’s the thing that connects you safely to the zipline and lets you slight across.
After having done my shopping, I bought a bus ticket to Phuket intending on leaving that same night and went back to my hotel room. As exciting as Bangkok was, I felt it was more for people intend on partying and in all honesty, a bit too crowded for me. I was excited to move on and I could always come back if I wanted to. On my way into the reception area, I was stopped by a young hip looking dude looking for a cigarette. Now I don’t necessarily consider myself a perfect judge of character, but he had an easy-going way about him that immediately drew me in. Sometimes, you can just tell.
He had sort of a rugged look about him. Dirty blond half-long hair. His face I would best describe as boyish but something in his eyes betrayed him and revealed his age to be older than you would assume. His style was… Boheme I guess I would describe it as. Like something taken out of the 70s LA scene. I’m not a smoker. Never was. So, I couldn’t help him on that front. It didn’t matter he would find someone else he said. For a while we just casually talked. Apparently, he had come to Bangkok just a few days prior and seemed about as lost and without direction as I had been before deciding on taking my chances in Phuket. Alex was his name, and he would later save my life and help me understand what it means to forge a quick and unbreakable connection through shared trauma, but I’m getting ahead of myself.
He asked me if I wanted to go somewhere and get a beer. I thought why not? He was about my age and on his own as well. I told him I had to go make some calls and I’d be out in about an hour. Back the hotel room I quickly gathered all my stuff and packed it up, so it was ready to go. My climbing gear took up the most space. I figured if things went well with Alex, I might be able to persuade him in joining me at some point in Phuket. Even though I had set out for this trip to be about discovering myself and being on my own, I longed for some kind of company. Don’t we all? I called my parents up and we wished each other a happy Christmas. It was odd to think they were somewhere nearly half-way across the world celebrating Christmas while snow draped the landscapes there. Here I was, In hot and humid paradise. No, I did not miss the cold or the snow, but I did miss not being there to celebrate the holidays with my family. But it had been my choice to go during the holiday season and I did not regret it. I had saved up enough money and there was no point in waiting anymore. There would be many other holidays to celebrate in the future.
My 5-year-old nephew somehow got a hold of the phone. Not quite the conversationalist yet, it still felt good to hear his voice. Hearing his excitement over the prospect of celebrating Christmas brought me back to my own childhood. Decorating the Christmas tree, watching holiday cartoons and of course, opening presents. I finished my calls and went out to see if Alex was ready. He was already waiting for me and had apparently managed to score some cigarettes in the meantime. He had changed his outfit as well. Now wearing a faded black doors t-shirt. We talked a bit about Jim Morrison and the doors as we headed off down streets. We passed a myriad of small stands selling everything from electronics to colorful t-shirts and small bracelets with campy misspelled English catchphrases. We dodged the many intrusive offers and eventually found a small comfy looking bar with seats outside shaded by palm trees. We ordered a couple of beers and the conversation started flowing along quite nicely. Alex was 25 and from London It turned out. We also had a common interest in music. For a while he had busked as a street musician while working odd jobs here and there and had eventually decided to travel the world.
His first stop had been India where for a while he had lived on the rooftop of some abandoned building while attempting to learn the art of playing the sitar. I thought about that for a second. Living it rough on some rooftop in India. I don’t know why that idea intrigued me so much. Seemed like freedom to me, I guess. Sleeping under the wide-open skies. Looking down on the streets and watching people go about their lives. I guess I just liked the idea of doing something that seemed different from what I had ever done before. Living on a rooftop, if even just for a while, was definitely not something I had done before. There was the view as well, Alex reminded me. And it was free of course. We drifted off into long conversations about music I won’t bore you too much with, only to let you know we shared a passion for old school music like the doors and Jimi Hendrix as well as 90s shoegaze music like My Bloody Valentine, Ride and Slowdive. I had Slowdive’s Shine playing in my mind that day. All felt so dreamy at the time.
I eventually told Alex of my plans to go to Phuket and he was onboard almost immediately. I loved how easy it was here on the road. There was no ‘’well maybe’’, or ‘’let’s think about it.’’ In fact, Alex had been to Phuket before and knew of a place we could stay for free. Another rooftop of course, but he had already sold me on the idea. From there, we could plan our next step he said. ‘’our next step’’ I don’t remember vibing with someone that quickly before or since, but then I guess making friends is always easier when you’re young and easy going. I always seemed to attract good company without much effort back then. I chalk it down to my friendly and slightly shy demeanor. Seems it only becomes harder to make friends as the years pass though. At least for me it did.
We got a bus ticket for Alex and shopped a bit more. I got some first aid supplies. Bandages, plasters, that kind of stuff. Rock climbing is safe, mind you, but you can end up scraping yourself and I felt in general, being prepared for whatever might be a good idea if I was to live it rough on some rooftop. The bus-ride to Phuket took about 12 hours give or take. By going at night, we could sleep most of the way and be in Phuket early morning on the 25th. The trip down was uneventful. We would take turns listening to music on Alex’s Walkman or talk about things we saw along the way. Like roadside bars and restaurants who were little more than a tin roof covering a few plastic chairs and brightly colored menu cards. Everything seemed simpler here, in the best ways possible.
No big flash, no fanfares or luxury. Nothing pretentious. Just a calm, laid back atmosphere and friendly smiles from the locals as we passed by. Alex told me he wanted to start a band blending elements of Shoegaze with classic rock and insisted I learn to play the drums as he had tried but found no luck. String instruments were more him he told me. I told him jokingly if he could come up with a good name, I might be down. He just nodded and looked out the window and started talking about how beef was a rare and more expensive ingredient in Thai cuisine, and I wondered about the sudden random change of subject. Although we had talked a lot during the short time we had known each other, Alex was still a mystery to me in many ways. Judging from all the things he told me he seemed like a person who dreamed big, but never really followed through
An unfinished education. Scribbles on pieces of paper that ended up gathering dust in his drawer instead of turning into a book. A band that never really took off because he lost interest or didn’t deem that it was good enough to get successful. He talked at length about leaving a legacy. It seemed to be something that concerned him. I guess he wanted to put his mark on the world. To be remembered. To live on in some small way. I had never really thought about it myself although I did have a fascination with historical people and the lives they lived. In fact, when I do read I mostly read biographies. I just never had any ambition like that myself. I don’t need the world to know my name, or sing my praises, or remember me. Good friends, family and a sense of freedom and adventure was enough. I had tried to ask Alex about his family and friends back home, but he seemed avoidant and always found a way to change the subject without really providing any meaningful information. At certain points, I sensed a carefully hidden sadness behind his otherwise optimistically youthful and bright blue gaze.
Phuket 25th of December 2000. 2 days before the tsunami.
Alex woke me up. It was 9 AM and we had arrived at the Phuket bus terminal 1 near Phang Nga Road. We were here. Alex explained to me that the there were several derelict and abandoned buildings perfect for establishing a free of charge rooftop domicile in an area not too far from the resorts of Khao Lak. Phuket back then wasn’t exactly the overcrowded tourist spot it is today, but it was well on the way. I understood why. The scenery was beautiful. Long sandy beaches with small island dots in the horizon, begging to be explored. Giant limestone cliffs covered in green shrubs. It did seem like paradise to me, without being too far away from civilization. I guess despite my adventurous nature, I wasn’t quite ready at that point, to walk into the wild, which is why Khao Lak seemed perfect as a start for me.
We found the area Alex had talked about. Several derelict buildings were concentrated in a small area divided by a main street that if followed long enough, led to an area with shops and places to dine. We set our eyes on what looked like an abandoned apartment complex. It was derelict, rugged looking and it seemed clear at first that no one lived there. Its ghostly façade begged us inside to explore and we accepted the invitation. As we made our way in, through a busted window in the back, we quickly became aware that the place might not be as abandoned as we had initially thought. Several signs of squatters such as cooking utensils and sleeping mats lay scattered here and there. Alex quickly rationalized that it could just be other backpackers, or it could be the people had moved on. I shrugged and we decided to make our way to the roof. We made our way to the top floor and accessed a broken-down door that led directly out onto the roof. I must admit, besides excitement, I was somewhat hesitant. Any doubt I had disappeared when we first stepped onto the rooftop terrace. It was perfect. It seemed it had functioned as a balcony or space of sorts the inhabitants could make use of for gatherings.
The entire space was surrounded by a fence. Several palm trees shaded the northwest corner which was perfect for when things got too hot. In the middle a small shed or janitorial sort of building stood. We found some cleaning materials, brooms, some parasols in there as well as an old rusty grill. The view was great. We could see the large beachfront in the far distance surrounded by limestones. After inspecting the area and finding it to our liking we sat down, and Alex broke out a bottle of whiskey. Unaware of the horror that would later unfold here, we celebrated in the shade of the palm trees. We had found our place for a while. Our place.
After a while we decided to put some money in the local economy and shop for supplies.
Essentials: Water. Cigarettes. Booze. The devil’s lettuce. Cooking utensils. Although none of us was admittedly any much of a cook. But what the hell. Can’t be seen dining out every night when we were trying to live off the fat of the land so to speak. I know, ridiculous. We were squatters. Nothing more. But heck, we would move on if we became a problem for any one here. We weren’t trying to be a bother.
Optional but greatly wanted: A blow-up animal mascot. Maybe a dolphin if possible. Some new music for Alex’s walk-man. A guitar. Decorating artifacts of any kind to make our domicile more personal.
We more or less got everything we needed and started setting up base. Getting our hands on something funny to smoke proved the biggest challenge but Alex finally succeeded at a beachfront bar. Some friendly Norwegian dude who had connections apparently. He warned us against being too open about doing drugs, even if was ‘’just’’ marijuana. Thailand had a strict approach to drugs. We thanked him and he told us to just come back here at the bar if we needed more, he was usually around.
Afternoon was rolling around and there we were. Sitting atop Phuket. On our very own rooftop presidential suite. We decorated the place with a few things we found. Among them ‘’Arthur’’ our blow-up shark (they had no dolphins). Alex had come up with the name, I asked him why ‘’Arthur’’ but in what I had quickly come to know as typical Alex fashion he just shrugged it off. We just smoked a bit and drank some booze as the evening progressed and I told Alex about Robert and Australia and all the nasty things that could kill you there. I’m not sure why, but it had made an impression on me. Insects, rare poisonous creatures, stuff like that was nightmare fuel for me. Don’t even get me started on spiders. Alex was a bit more laid back on that front. He seemed most amused and interested in the suicide plant and wondered if some poor soul had ever mistakenly used it as toilet paper and we had a good hard chuckle over that idea. Poor soul indeed.
As night rolled on stars started popping up on a clear night the sky and I learned that Alex had a fascination with the universe. Particularly the idea of multiverses and infinite universes. What if somewhere out there we were looking back at ourselves. Slightly different but still us. Sometimes it seemed to me he longed to be anywhere else but where he was. Maybe trapped in the past he was so reluctant to share with me. Then we started talking about time. I don’t exactly remember why. I think he brought it up.
Anyway, Alex had a lot to say about time. Like how he believed our perception of time is tied to our experiences. For example, someone who spends their life not stepping up, not really taking risks or chances, just following along the stream, just following the routine, in essence, just killing time, might experience time as having moved fast when they look back, because there are simply less variety, less volume, less memories to look back on. We don’t remember routines, we remember breaking them, we remember doing new things, meeting new people, being in new places. It creates the illusion that gives time volume, that makes it seem fuller, longer. I liked that idea a lot. It made sense to me. Make sure you live life to the fullest and waste as little time as possible.
I told him about my 10th grade math teacher and how he said something about time I will never forget. Our perception of time can be measured mathematically. For example, to a 4-year-old turning 5 the transition of a year will seem much longer than it will to a 24-year-old turning 25. Because 1 in 5 is a larger fraction than 1 in 25. It blew my mind. The longer you live, the faster time seem to pass. But I agreed with him, maybe the quality and variety of the life you live and the memories you make has an affect too. Alex made a ‘’boom’’ motion with his hands around his head and laughed. We were quite stoned at that point and well, some of you might know how being stoned sometimes throws you into these philosophical conversations. It was nice. I enjoyed the ease with which I could talk to Alex about all kinds of things.
At one point I asked him a hypothetical. If he could go back in time and change just one thing, what would he do. He fell silent. I once again sensed the sadness creeping behind his eyes. It was if he was about to answer, like he was sizing me up but then shot the idea down. Time travel is impossible, so why bother was his only response and I accepted that whatever troubled him in the past, was not for me to know even if my interest only grew stronger and stronger.
I told him about my family. My overprotective mother. My father and his desperate attempts to get me interested in cars. About my older sister and my nephew. Alex nodded and asked the usual polite questions. When the subject came to my little brother his interest seemed to spark significantly. How old was he? Was I good older brother? Did I look out for him? I didn’t think much about it at the time other than finding it curious how interested he seemed to be. When we finally settled in the for night, under the starry sky, I slipped into a nightmare. It was the same I had had years earlier when I was 16. Back then I was having a hard time adjusting to the new school I had started at and maybe because of that stress I was having nightmares coupled with sleep paralysis.
I would lie in my bed, paralyzed. On my side, facing the door to my room. I often had the light on outside of the room and it would shine in through the open door. This one time , I saw dark figure approaching. Optimistically I assumed it was my mom, coming to wake me up. Although as the dark figure approached, I quickly realized this wasn’t so. No words were uttered. The eerie figure just slowly came closer, until it was right by my bed side. It sat down and I realized it was an old woman or man. It was hard to tell, because its face was literally just a mish mash of wrinkled flesh. No eyes and no mouth either. But it mumbled through its mouthless face. Speaking in tongues.
I spent some considerable time afterwards wondering what it could have been trying to communicate to me. I know of course, this was all just my mind playing tricks on me. Yet, that experience was, I suppose, my first nudge towards believing there’s more between heaven and earth than we might know. It seemed aggressive in any case. My insides were screaming as I desperately tried to wiggle myself awake as I had sometimes successfully done during paralysis. I eventually woke up. Drenched in sweat. Back then though, I had actually been in my room, and in the dream the room had stood clearly for me as it actually looked in reality which only made it seem more real. This time, I woke up next to Alex, still drenched in sweat. Alex had woken up. I had screamed in my sleep apparently. He comforted me in an almost brotherly show of affection. It took me by surprise a bit. I appreciated it, though it only made me wonder about him even more. I would have to solve the mystery behind Alex I decided. I would have to truly gain his trust. Figure him out. And I did.
Phuket 26th of December 2000. 1 day before the tsunami.
‘’Alex played the guitar a bit and I drummed up some beats. It needed some work, but not half bad. We came up with a name for our band to be as well. Subway sleepers. Based on Alex’s time sleeping in the subway of London. It was another hot perfect day on the rooftop. We talked about going climbing the next day and I can’t wait to show Alex the joys of rock climbing. Everything is peaceful here. No stress. Just living life. Smoking it up. Meeting new people. We talked some more with that Norwegian weed dude and invited him and a couple of his friends up to ‘’our’’ place for a party. Another near perfect day.’’
Looking at these diary scribbles is making me feel it all over again. The serenity of those calm worriless summer days (well it was winter back home but it felt like summer here. Strange that) leading up to disaster. Always calmest before the storm they say. This was our last day before everything changed. Before I got a lesson in humanity. In stress under crisis. Before everything I thought I knew changed forever in the meeting with something that surely shouldn’t exist in this world.
submitted by Subject_Actuator1280 to nosleep [link] [comments]
‘’Every now and then I would stare at the murky brown water below and see several small glimpses of bright yellow popping up from and then retreating down below the surface in rhythmic fashion. Like a dance routine. Bright deadly yellow. The rotting sweet stench of death still lodged in my nostrils.’’
I had happened upon these diary pages by mistake when I was digging through old boxes in my basement. My wife had insisted, finally, that I sort out and get rid of everything I didn’t need. Now here I was, confronted with a part of my past I had tried to suppress unsuccessfully for so many years. 24 years to be exact. 24 odd years of trying to understand what exactly happened in those days when I was trapped on a rooftop in Phuket during a deadly and disastrous natural catastrophe.
24 odd years of having to dodge around questions of my abject and unwavering fear of the ocean. Well, in truth, I guess being caught in a large tsunami and witnessing immense destructive forces of nature coming directly from the great wide ocean would be a fair excuse, but it was only half the truth. It wasn’t just the waves themselves that had terrified me.
Until now, I thought the water damaged remains of the diary I kept back then was lost. I even hoped it was. I never shared this story with anyone. Partly because the horror was too fresh in my memory back then and I wanted to focus on moving on with my life and by the time I felt my mind was stabilized I had no real interest in returning to that dark part of my past. Partly because the right words always escaped me.
Mostly because I was afraid people would think I was insane. I can no longer contain this, however. I need an outlet. I spend years running from it. But I guess I can’t lie to myself anymore. Someone once told me that writing can be therapeutic. Simply putting your thoughts down on paper, or in our times, more likely in word document, can help you compartmentalize trauma. So, I’m giving it a try. I can’t pretend the events of those days in Phuket didn’t cast a shadow over everything in my life that came after.
I often think of the beach days I missed with my son when he was a boy. Days where I should’ve done dad stuff. Thrown him into the ocean. Watched him laugh his little face of as he braved the waves. Helped him build sandcastles. Gone exploring along the sandy shores in search of beached treasure in the form little rocks and the odd piece of amber. I just couldn’t. Initially I had objected to the idea of him going at all. Naturally, my wife would hear none of that and I realized reluctantly, that my fear and trauma should not rule my son’s life. Instead, my wife would go, and I would always stay home. She understood, to some degree, what I had gone through and where my fear came from.
Only to some degree. My son did not, and I fear he resented my absence on those perfect sunny days, despite my efforts to make up for it with other activities. Both he and my wife certainly noticed how closed off I was about certain parts of my past. Secrets untold, especially those who are grounded in trauma, almost inevitably turns to toxic in our systems. I’m finally ready. I just hope it isn’t too late.
I won’t lie. I’ve always had a vivid imagination although I have never had trouble distinguishing between what is real and what is not. At least until my sense of reality was forever challenged. I know these things happened to me. I know what I saw and what I experienced was real. I just don’t have a truly rational explanation for it. Yet, I swear, there was something in the water that came with that tsunami. Something deeply, deeply unnatural. Something brightly and oddly yellow. I had no other word for it than the bright yellow terror.
I had travelled to Thailand, more precisely Bangkok late December 2000. 19 years old about to turn 20. I was on one of those infamous and increasingly popular self-discovery trips. I had caught the fever. Like so many other young hopeful adventurers at the time I had seen The Beach. I had read into the wild by Jon Krakauer.
I watched Dicaprio walk the sandy shores of paradise and read on in excitement and awe as Christopher McCandles set out to become one with nature and discover himself. Kill the false being within and all that. In simple terms, I thought I’d try and find my own slice of heaven on earth. Expand my horizon. Get to know some new people. Learn something about myself in the process perhaps. I wasn’t exactly fleeing from anything, that wasn’t it. I had a loving although cuddling and overprotective family. Especially my mom would worry about me constantly (and still does).
Yes, I admit it. My parents had paved the way for me at almost every step. Made sure I got into the right schools. Made sure I never needed for money. I guess I got tired of feeling dependent on them. I stopped taking their money and saved up for the trip myself. It was time I stepped up. It was time I threw myself into the world to see what would happen. Hell of a time and place I picked for that.
The following story is based on the surviving pages of the diary I kept during the time and my own memory.
Bangkok 23rd December 2000. 4 days before the tsunami.
‘’My first day in Bangkok. Quite overwhelming but in a nice way. No one here to save me. No one here to tell me what to do. Thailand is hot and humid and there’s something in the air. I think it’s adventure. I think it’s limitless opportunity. I met a monkey in a diaper and got thoroughly beaten and lost 100 bath in a game of connect four by some 10-year-old kid. Got scammed as well though, I will have to wise up and learn the ropes. Avoid the yellow taxis. Go for the Tuk Tuks. Well, lesson learned. I met a guy who told me all kinds of terrifying things about Australia. Robert. I’m meeting him in Phuket a couple of days from now.’’
You could probably imagine the excitement bubbling within me. For the first time on my own. 19 years old. Prime of my life. In a strangely new and exotic city. Possibilities seemed endless. I still remember vividly driving off with the wind in my hair in a tuk-tuk as Bangkok unfolded before me with all its oriental mysticism and surrounding cityscapes. To be fair, I had never even seen an honest to god palm tree before as they simply couldn’t grow in the northern climate I was from.
I got myself stationed in a decent guesthouse around Khaosan Road. Everywhere I looked it seems others had gotten the same idea as me. Backpackers littered the streets and in a strange way, I felt at home amidst this quiet chaos, amidst the crowds of hopefully likeminded explorers, far, far away from home. The humidity was hitting me though, it was something I would have to get used to. It felt like a wet hot invisible blanket. Khaosan Road was perfect for me. A meeting place for young backpackers, with tons of opportunities to plan further travels. I did after all, not plan on staying in Bangkok for too long. It was just a stepping point to other adventures.
It was still early, and the humidity was clammy as hell. I was in the mood to socialize and with no real plans I simply ventured out into the streets of Bangkok, circling around the area where my guesthouse was located. It wasn’t long before the first opportunity presented itself in the form of a taxi driver calling me over. He offered to take me on a tour of the city. Foolish and naïve as I was, I indulged him. I remember how the cab driver lit up a doobie, joint, spliff, devil’s lettuce whatever you want to call it.
You know it as soon as you breathe in the air. Don’t get me wrong, I smoked myself, but letting a clearly high person drive me around the busy Bangkok traffic did not seem like a good idea. I should probably have asked to be let out that very moment, but as the kind of timid, shy type of person I was plus the desire to just go along with whatever happened come what may made me stay. Unsurprisingly I was eventually led to a store, fitted for a suit a didn’t want, and then subsequently charged an obscene amount for the cab ride. I didn’t have the courage to refuse his unreasonable demand. Noteworthy mention. That same night I heard from a fellow traveler that just recently someone had been stabbed in an argument with a cab driver. I didn’t let it get me down or drive me off course, because as you’ve probably gathered by now, I didn’t have a course.
As day turned to night and when the sun’s rays slowly disappeared behind the rooftops of Bangkok, the city itself began to transform. As if a part of it which had laid dormant, hidden away from the light, started to emerge.
Neon lights advertising different bars, people making all kinds of promises of untold pleasures and sensations. Tourists ready to party. All now filled the streets. Some seemed all too aware of what they were looking for, others simply drifted around aimlessly, in search of something unknown, something to spice up their existence. I found a small seemingly cool place called The Hangover. I swear to god, I wish to this day I hadn’t. Maybe then I wouldn’t have set my course for Phuket. In any case, I went in and pushed myself through the crowds of rowdy and loud tourists and up the bar where I ordered a Pina Colada. Please don’t judge me. I just really like coconuts and the song is pretty good as well. Standing at the crowded bar and looking around, hoping something interesting would catch my eye. But most of all, I was hoping someone would just take the first step and come talk to me.
Someone did. His name was Robert, and he was from Australia. A tall skinny and no-nonsense older guy who seemed quite experienced with all things Thailand. He eventually invited me down to his group of friends at the far back end of the bar. Robert spared no time telling me about himself. He had worked all kinds of jobs, in all kinds of places. Most recently he had worked as a guide in Phuket. Among other things he had arranged rock climbing expeditions. I probably forgot to mention, I was big into rock climbing and generally all kinds of outdoor activities back then.
I already had quite the climbing experience despite my young age. As Robert talked about all the places he’d been, he made me feel like the novice I was. That was never his intention though, as I quickly learned. He wasn’t a bragger. He just knew what he was talking about and when he laughed, he did it with his entire face and in a way that made you laugh with him and feel comfortable.
Eventually the conversation naturally gravitated towards Australia. A place I had always wanted to visit. He looked at me for a second, as if to contemplate something. Then told me to watch out for locals trying to play pranks on me. I was naturally interested in hearing more and that’s when he told me about drop bears. Supposedly drop bears are carnivorous versions of Koalas residing in trees to then drop down on unsuspecting victims and viciously attack them. We laughed quite a lot, and I admitted I would probably have believed the stories as I was a fairly naive person and the idea of hostile subspecies of koalas didn’t seem that farfetched to me. It would be typical of past me to get punked around like that. Our conversation then shifted towards Australian wildlife and fauna and the horrors residing within its diverse and complicated eco system. He told me about a plant not uncommonly referred to as the suicide plant. Dendrocnide moroides or more commonly known as stinging tree, stinging bush or gympie gympie apparently has such a nasty and painful sting it made a man commit suicide simply to escape the pain. Another dangerous inhabitant was the box jellyfish he explained.
Their sting was about as deadly as it gets. A single sting to a human will cause necrosis of the skin, excruciating pain and, if the dose of venom is large enough, cardiac arrest and death within minutes. I have always found jellyfish equal parts fascinating and equal parts frightening. Beautiful but deadly creatures. In fact, the ocean, in all its grand wide-reaching glory had always horrified me to some extent. So much unexplored space. Who truly knows what could be lurking down there? Robert quickly assured me, that as long as you take your precaution the likelihood of getting stung by a box jellyfish was rather small. They had signs up warning people against them. Generally, do not ignore these signs. They are there for a good reason.
It was getting late and before we said our goodbyes Robert suggested I meet him in Phuket, more precisely in the Khao Lak area on the 28th as that was the first day he would be able to. I thought why not? He seemed genuinely nice and knowledgeable. Just good company all around and he promised to show me the greatest climbing spots a bit away from the crowded tours. It was a start.
I would never meet Robert again. I don’t know what happened to him. Thinking back on those days leading up to the point the waves came crashing down always gives me an uneasy, sad, and melancholic feeling. The people I met in Bangkok talking about going south. Those I met in Phuket before it happened. I have no idea if they ended up as corpses floating through the murky brown waters or god forbid, victims of that unholy terror from the deep. I hope Robert wasn’t among those unfortunate souls who died or went… ‘’Missing’’. Although if I must pick one or the other. I would hope he died quickly.
Bangkok 24th of December 2000. 3 days before the tsunami.
I woke up with a slight hangover. Christmas is commonly celebrated on this date in my country, so I was expecting some calls to go through on my brick sized Nokia at some point once all the good folks back home woke up. They were about 5 hours behind me and at 9 AM Bangkok time they would still be sleeping. I used the time to do some shopping before my trip to Phuket. I got plenty of rope, a couple of snap hooks and a harness. I knew they’d have all of this on the guided tours, but I liked to find my own spots to climb, and I had good sense and knowledge enough to not attempt anything too daring. By the way. For those uninitiated, snap hooks are used to make a quick, reversible connection on a system of ropes, or to connect a rope or cord to another component, like a lanyard medallion or barrier post. Essential if you want to go climbing. If you’ve ever gone ziplining it’s the thing that connects you safely to the zipline and lets you slight across.
After having done my shopping, I bought a bus ticket to Phuket intending on leaving that same night and went back to my hotel room. As exciting as Bangkok was, I felt it was more for people intend on partying and in all honesty, a bit too crowded for me. I was excited to move on and I could always come back if I wanted to. On my way into the reception area, I was stopped by a young hip looking dude looking for a cigarette. Now I don’t necessarily consider myself a perfect judge of character, but he had an easy-going way about him that immediately drew me in. Sometimes, you can just tell.
He had sort of a rugged look about him. Dirty blond half-long hair. His face I would best describe as boyish but something in his eyes betrayed him and revealed his age to be older than you would assume. His style was… Boheme I guess I would describe it as. Like something taken out of the 70s LA scene. I’m not a smoker. Never was. So, I couldn’t help him on that front. It didn’t matter he would find someone else he said. For a while we just casually talked. Apparently, he had come to Bangkok just a few days prior and seemed about as lost and without direction as I had been before deciding on taking my chances in Phuket. Alex was his name, and he would later save my life and help me understand what it means to forge a quick and unbreakable connection through shared trauma, but I’m getting ahead of myself.
He asked me if I wanted to go somewhere and get a beer. I thought why not? He was about my age and on his own as well. I told him I had to go make some calls and I’d be out in about an hour. Back the hotel room I quickly gathered all my stuff and packed it up, so it was ready to go. My climbing gear took up the most space. I figured if things went well with Alex, I might be able to persuade him in joining me at some point in Phuket. Even though I had set out for this trip to be about discovering myself and being on my own, I longed for some kind of company. Don’t we all? I called my parents up and we wished each other a happy Christmas. It was odd to think they were somewhere nearly half-way across the world celebrating Christmas while snow draped the landscapes there. Here I was, In hot and humid paradise. No, I did not miss the cold or the snow, but I did miss not being there to celebrate the holidays with my family. But it had been my choice to go during the holiday season and I did not regret it. I had saved up enough money and there was no point in waiting anymore. There would be many other holidays to celebrate in the future.
My 5-year-old nephew somehow got a hold of the phone. Not quite the conversationalist yet, it still felt good to hear his voice. Hearing his excitement over the prospect of celebrating Christmas brought me back to my own childhood. Decorating the Christmas tree, watching holiday cartoons and of course, opening presents. I finished my calls and went out to see if Alex was ready. He was already waiting for me and had apparently managed to score some cigarettes in the meantime. He had changed his outfit as well. Now wearing a faded black doors t-shirt. We talked a bit about Jim Morrison and the doors as we headed off down streets. We passed a myriad of small stands selling everything from electronics to colorful t-shirts and small bracelets with campy misspelled English catchphrases. We dodged the many intrusive offers and eventually found a small comfy looking bar with seats outside shaded by palm trees. We ordered a couple of beers and the conversation started flowing along quite nicely. Alex was 25 and from London It turned out. We also had a common interest in music. For a while he had busked as a street musician while working odd jobs here and there and had eventually decided to travel the world.
His first stop had been India where for a while he had lived on the rooftop of some abandoned building while attempting to learn the art of playing the sitar. I thought about that for a second. Living it rough on some rooftop in India. I don’t know why that idea intrigued me so much. Seemed like freedom to me, I guess. Sleeping under the wide-open skies. Looking down on the streets and watching people go about their lives. I guess I just liked the idea of doing something that seemed different from what I had ever done before. Living on a rooftop, if even just for a while, was definitely not something I had done before. There was the view as well, Alex reminded me. And it was free of course. We drifted off into long conversations about music I won’t bore you too much with, only to let you know we shared a passion for old school music like the doors and Jimi Hendrix as well as 90s shoegaze music like My Bloody Valentine, Ride and Slowdive. I had Slowdive’s Shine playing in my mind that day. All felt so dreamy at the time.
I eventually told Alex of my plans to go to Phuket and he was onboard almost immediately. I loved how easy it was here on the road. There was no ‘’well maybe’’, or ‘’let’s think about it.’’ In fact, Alex had been to Phuket before and knew of a place we could stay for free. Another rooftop of course, but he had already sold me on the idea. From there, we could plan our next step he said. ‘’our next step’’ I don’t remember vibing with someone that quickly before or since, but then I guess making friends is always easier when you’re young and easy going. I always seemed to attract good company without much effort back then. I chalk it down to my friendly and slightly shy demeanor. Seems it only becomes harder to make friends as the years pass though. At least for me it did.
We got a bus ticket for Alex and shopped a bit more. I got some first aid supplies. Bandages, plasters, that kind of stuff. Rock climbing is safe, mind you, but you can end up scraping yourself and I felt in general, being prepared for whatever might be a good idea if I was to live it rough on some rooftop. The bus-ride to Phuket took about 12 hours give or take. By going at night, we could sleep most of the way and be in Phuket early morning on the 25th. The trip down was uneventful. We would take turns listening to music on Alex’s Walkman or talk about things we saw along the way. Like roadside bars and restaurants who were little more than a tin roof covering a few plastic chairs and brightly colored menu cards. Everything seemed simpler here, in the best ways possible.
No big flash, no fanfares or luxury. Nothing pretentious. Just a calm, laid back atmosphere and friendly smiles from the locals as we passed by. Alex told me he wanted to start a band blending elements of Shoegaze with classic rock and insisted I learn to play the drums as he had tried but found no luck. String instruments were more him he told me. I told him jokingly if he could come up with a good name, I might be down. He just nodded and looked out the window and started talking about how beef was a rare and more expensive ingredient in Thai cuisine, and I wondered about the sudden random change of subject. Although we had talked a lot during the short time we had known each other, Alex was still a mystery to me in many ways. Judging from all the things he told me he seemed like a person who dreamed big, but never really followed through
An unfinished education. Scribbles on pieces of paper that ended up gathering dust in his drawer instead of turning into a book. A band that never really took off because he lost interest or didn’t deem that it was good enough to get successful. He talked at length about leaving a legacy. It seemed to be something that concerned him. I guess he wanted to put his mark on the world. To be remembered. To live on in some small way. I had never really thought about it myself although I did have a fascination with historical people and the lives they lived. In fact, when I do read I mostly read biographies. I just never had any ambition like that myself. I don’t need the world to know my name, or sing my praises, or remember me. Good friends, family and a sense of freedom and adventure was enough. I had tried to ask Alex about his family and friends back home, but he seemed avoidant and always found a way to change the subject without really providing any meaningful information. At certain points, I sensed a carefully hidden sadness behind his otherwise optimistically youthful and bright blue gaze.
Phuket 25th of December 2000. 2 days before the tsunami.
Alex woke me up. It was 9 AM and we had arrived at the Phuket bus terminal 1 near Phang Nga Road. We were here. Alex explained to me that the there were several derelict and abandoned buildings perfect for establishing a free of charge rooftop domicile in an area not too far from the resorts of Khao Lak. Phuket back then wasn’t exactly the overcrowded tourist spot it is today, but it was well on the way. I understood why. The scenery was beautiful. Long sandy beaches with small island dots in the horizon, begging to be explored. Giant limestone cliffs covered in green shrubs. It did seem like paradise to me, without being too far away from civilization. I guess despite my adventurous nature, I wasn’t quite ready at that point, to walk into the wild, which is why Khao Lak seemed perfect as a start for me.
We found the area Alex had talked about. Several derelict buildings were concentrated in a small area divided by a main street that if followed long enough, led to an area with shops and places to dine. We set our eyes on what looked like an abandoned apartment complex. It was derelict, rugged looking and it seemed clear at first that no one lived there. Its ghostly façade begged us inside to explore and we accepted the invitation. As we made our way in, through a busted window in the back, we quickly became aware that the place might not be as abandoned as we had initially thought. Several signs of squatters such as cooking utensils and sleeping mats lay scattered here and there. Alex quickly rationalized that it could just be other backpackers, or it could be the people had moved on. I shrugged and we decided to make our way to the roof. We made our way to the top floor and accessed a broken-down door that led directly out onto the roof. I must admit, besides excitement, I was somewhat hesitant. Any doubt I had disappeared when we first stepped onto the rooftop terrace. It was perfect. It seemed it had functioned as a balcony or space of sorts the inhabitants could make use of for gatherings.
The entire space was surrounded by a fence. Several palm trees shaded the northwest corner which was perfect for when things got too hot. In the middle a small shed or janitorial sort of building stood. We found some cleaning materials, brooms, some parasols in there as well as an old rusty grill. The view was great. We could see the large beachfront in the far distance surrounded by limestones. After inspecting the area and finding it to our liking we sat down, and Alex broke out a bottle of whiskey. Unaware of the horror that would later unfold here, we celebrated in the shade of the palm trees. We had found our place for a while. Our place.
After a while we decided to put some money in the local economy and shop for supplies.
Essentials: Water. Cigarettes. Booze. The devil’s lettuce. Cooking utensils. Although none of us was admittedly any much of a cook. But what the hell. Can’t be seen dining out every night when we were trying to live off the fat of the land so to speak. I know, ridiculous. We were squatters. Nothing more. But heck, we would move on if we became a problem for any one here. We weren’t trying to be a bother.
Optional but greatly wanted: A blow-up animal mascot. Maybe a dolphin if possible. Some new music for Alex’s walk-man. A guitar. Decorating artifacts of any kind to make our domicile more personal.
We more or less got everything we needed and started setting up base. Getting our hands on something funny to smoke proved the biggest challenge but Alex finally succeeded at a beachfront bar. Some friendly Norwegian dude who had connections apparently. He warned us against being too open about doing drugs, even if was ‘’just’’ marijuana. Thailand had a strict approach to drugs. We thanked him and he told us to just come back here at the bar if we needed more, he was usually around.
Afternoon was rolling around and there we were. Sitting atop Phuket. On our very own rooftop presidential suite. We decorated the place with a few things we found. Among them ‘’Arthur’’ our blow-up shark (they had no dolphins). Alex had come up with the name, I asked him why ‘’Arthur’’ but in what I had quickly come to know as typical Alex fashion he just shrugged it off. We just smoked a bit and drank some booze as the evening progressed and I told Alex about Robert and Australia and all the nasty things that could kill you there. I’m not sure why, but it had made an impression on me. Insects, rare poisonous creatures, stuff like that was nightmare fuel for me. Don’t even get me started on spiders. Alex was a bit more laid back on that front. He seemed most amused and interested in the suicide plant and wondered if some poor soul had ever mistakenly used it as toilet paper and we had a good hard chuckle over that idea. Poor soul indeed.
As night rolled on stars started popping up on a clear night the sky and I learned that Alex had a fascination with the universe. Particularly the idea of multiverses and infinite universes. What if somewhere out there we were looking back at ourselves. Slightly different but still us. Sometimes it seemed to me he longed to be anywhere else but where he was. Maybe trapped in the past he was so reluctant to share with me. Then we started talking about time. I don’t exactly remember why. I think he brought it up.
Anyway, Alex had a lot to say about time. Like how he believed our perception of time is tied to our experiences. For example, someone who spends their life not stepping up, not really taking risks or chances, just following along the stream, just following the routine, in essence, just killing time, might experience time as having moved fast when they look back, because there are simply less variety, less volume, less memories to look back on. We don’t remember routines, we remember breaking them, we remember doing new things, meeting new people, being in new places. It creates the illusion that gives time volume, that makes it seem fuller, longer. I liked that idea a lot. It made sense to me. Make sure you live life to the fullest and waste as little time as possible.
I told him about my 10th grade math teacher and how he said something about time I will never forget. Our perception of time can be measured mathematically. For example, to a 4-year-old turning 5 the transition of a year will seem much longer than it will to a 24-year-old turning 25. Because 1 in 5 is a larger fraction than 1 in 25. It blew my mind. The longer you live, the faster time seem to pass. But I agreed with him, maybe the quality and variety of the life you live and the memories you make has an affect too. Alex made a ‘’boom’’ motion with his hands around his head and laughed. We were quite stoned at that point and well, some of you might know how being stoned sometimes throws you into these philosophical conversations. It was nice. I enjoyed the ease with which I could talk to Alex about all kinds of things.
At one point I asked him a hypothetical. If he could go back in time and change just one thing, what would he do. He fell silent. I once again sensed the sadness creeping behind his eyes. It was if he was about to answer, like he was sizing me up but then shot the idea down. Time travel is impossible, so why bother was his only response and I accepted that whatever troubled him in the past, was not for me to know even if my interest only grew stronger and stronger.
I told him about my family. My overprotective mother. My father and his desperate attempts to get me interested in cars. About my older sister and my nephew. Alex nodded and asked the usual polite questions. When the subject came to my little brother his interest seemed to spark significantly. How old was he? Was I good older brother? Did I look out for him? I didn’t think much about it at the time other than finding it curious how interested he seemed to be. When we finally settled in the for night, under the starry sky, I slipped into a nightmare. It was the same I had had years earlier when I was 16. Back then I was having a hard time adjusting to the new school I had started at and maybe because of that stress I was having nightmares coupled with sleep paralysis.
I would lie in my bed, paralyzed. On my side, facing the door to my room. I often had the light on outside of the room and it would shine in through the open door. This one time , I saw dark figure approaching. Optimistically I assumed it was my mom, coming to wake me up. Although as the dark figure approached, I quickly realized this wasn’t so. No words were uttered. The eerie figure just slowly came closer, until it was right by my bed side. It sat down and I realized it was an old woman or man. It was hard to tell, because its face was literally just a mish mash of wrinkled flesh. No eyes and no mouth either. But it mumbled through its mouthless face. Speaking in tongues.
I spent some considerable time afterwards wondering what it could have been trying to communicate to me. I know of course, this was all just my mind playing tricks on me. Yet, that experience was, I suppose, my first nudge towards believing there’s more between heaven and earth than we might know. It seemed aggressive in any case. My insides were screaming as I desperately tried to wiggle myself awake as I had sometimes successfully done during paralysis. I eventually woke up. Drenched in sweat. Back then though, I had actually been in my room, and in the dream the room had stood clearly for me as it actually looked in reality which only made it seem more real. This time, I woke up next to Alex, still drenched in sweat. Alex had woken up. I had screamed in my sleep apparently. He comforted me in an almost brotherly show of affection. It took me by surprise a bit. I appreciated it, though it only made me wonder about him even more. I would have to solve the mystery behind Alex I decided. I would have to truly gain his trust. Figure him out. And I did.
Phuket 26th of December 2000. 1 day before the tsunami.
‘’Alex played the guitar a bit and I drummed up some beats. It needed some work, but not half bad. We came up with a name for our band to be as well. Subway sleepers. Based on Alex’s time sleeping in the subway of London. It was another hot perfect day on the rooftop. We talked about going climbing the next day and I can’t wait to show Alex the joys of rock climbing. Everything is peaceful here. No stress. Just living life. Smoking it up. Meeting new people. We talked some more with that Norwegian weed dude and invited him and a couple of his friends up to ‘’our’’ place for a party. Another near perfect day.’’
Looking at these diary scribbles is making me feel it all over again. The serenity of those calm worriless summer days (well it was winter back home but it felt like summer here. Strange that) leading up to disaster. Always calmest before the storm they say. This was our last day before everything changed. Before I got a lesson in humanity. In stress under crisis. Before everything I thought I knew changed forever in the meeting with something that surely shouldn’t exist in this world.
2024.05.19 19:16 Bunnibunnichanxo New shop looking for any tips 🙂
I'm making hand painted press on nails, so far my only sales have been irl to friends. Would anyone mind giving me pointers on turning views into sales? I have $1 a day on for ads on my 4 most viewed and clicked products. I heavily post about my nails on my socials (Instagram, Facebook, Pinterest and TikTok) and people will message me showing interest but not follow through. Seriously, anything. Are my prices too high? I know my pictures could really use a revamp on a lot of my listings and I'm actually working on that today. I just don't understand how I'm seeing so many views and no sales... Maybe because of my lack of sales and reviews?? I'm just feeling lost and almost like I want to give up honestly. https://bunnisclaws.etsy.com
submitted by Bunnibunnichanxo to EtsySellers [link] [comments]
2024.05.19 19:15 Moveless I want to start dating… but feel so afraid off a bad LTR - M/38
I’m 38, male, straight, I’d say I’m fairly attractive, tall, have a good job, good friends, but also typically don’t mesh well with a lot of other men in my life. In therapy. I spent 11 of the last 13 years in 2 relationships. The first, 3 1/2 years, I was immature, she probably was as well to relationships, and ended naturally. The second was 7 years, firey and big at the start, as it was falling apart we pandemic bonded and it became a mess where we grew apart and by the time the world opened up again we felt like different people who fought a lot. She was diagnosed with a number of things she ignored and was physically violent, and I’d say emotionally violent as well. I feel grateful to have broken off from that time in my life, it ended last August.
Been single about 9 months and feel ready to date again. I like having that close relationship and intimacy and my friends even before those two relationships would refer to me as a “relationship guy”. I want to be married and have someone to travel the world with, as well as our own neighborhood. It’s important to me. Again, I’m happy with where I live, what I do for work, what my friend circle is, for the most part, and my financial security. I’ve gone out with friends and met new people but they are so often coupled already or there is no spark when talking about dating.
So I’ve joined Hinge. Out the gate I’ve matched with a variety of women and maybe it’s a paradox of choice, maybe it’s me, but I feel so hesitant to spark something up. I matched with one woman who is attractive, my type, has a good job in a cool industry, but I feel like I can’t get out the words to progress it. The obvious answer is “well I’m not ready”, but I feel ready to date again outside the staring at an empty Hinge chat window. I’m trying to separate the emotions of Loneliness, which I have on that personal level, sex drive, which I’m not the type to casually sleep around, and a drive for companionship on a deeper level.
I feel burnt by my last relationship pretty bad. I feel maybe afraid to make the same mistakes again. To pour another long stretch of years into something I shouldn’t. I’ve got friends who have been with partners who are amazing for years and I feel like an immature fuck up, and that I’m not prioritizing the right things in relationships. I feel like maybe I don’t even know HOW to date correctly. I feel lost on the big picture. But again, I want it. My friends want me to date again. My therapist has been encouraging me to date again. But I’m choking at the thought.
Half of this I know was me finding space to write these thoughts out. I appreciate it. But if you have thoughts, a kind word, anything, I’d love to hear it.
submitted by Moveless to dating [link] [comments]
Been single about 9 months and feel ready to date again. I like having that close relationship and intimacy and my friends even before those two relationships would refer to me as a “relationship guy”. I want to be married and have someone to travel the world with, as well as our own neighborhood. It’s important to me. Again, I’m happy with where I live, what I do for work, what my friend circle is, for the most part, and my financial security. I’ve gone out with friends and met new people but they are so often coupled already or there is no spark when talking about dating.
So I’ve joined Hinge. Out the gate I’ve matched with a variety of women and maybe it’s a paradox of choice, maybe it’s me, but I feel so hesitant to spark something up. I matched with one woman who is attractive, my type, has a good job in a cool industry, but I feel like I can’t get out the words to progress it. The obvious answer is “well I’m not ready”, but I feel ready to date again outside the staring at an empty Hinge chat window. I’m trying to separate the emotions of Loneliness, which I have on that personal level, sex drive, which I’m not the type to casually sleep around, and a drive for companionship on a deeper level.
I feel burnt by my last relationship pretty bad. I feel maybe afraid to make the same mistakes again. To pour another long stretch of years into something I shouldn’t. I’ve got friends who have been with partners who are amazing for years and I feel like an immature fuck up, and that I’m not prioritizing the right things in relationships. I feel like maybe I don’t even know HOW to date correctly. I feel lost on the big picture. But again, I want it. My friends want me to date again. My therapist has been encouraging me to date again. But I’m choking at the thought.
Half of this I know was me finding space to write these thoughts out. I appreciate it. But if you have thoughts, a kind word, anything, I’d love to hear it.
2024.05.19 19:13 Chaoticsatire3 Help! Timeline of MIL toxicity. Can you relate? Advice needed. Intrusive, judgmental, overbearing MIL.
-My husband & I have been together for 8yr. Below is a timeline of my MIL issues starting when we first began dating, to now, several years married.
Before meeting my now-husbands mother, VERY early on in our relationship and before we were even official, his mother requested to follow me on all my social media accounts. I had not met her at the time and found it way too soon & creepy. Even at this point I got the initial feeling she was the type who forces levels of intimacy that she has not made the effort to genuinely attain.
-In the beginning I did make a concerted effort w/ his family. I quickly learned his Mother asks v. intrusive questions. It’s clear her questions aren’t genuine, but for the sole purpose of having ‘intel’. As if it’s ’information gathering’ for her benefit.
-The 2nd time meeting his mother she immediately asked me what year my parents got married. I told her I wasn’t sure & she began asking me if I knew what decade.. followed by questions re: my mom’s birthdate. Then she told me what she really wanted to know was my mom’s age (always an ulterior motive..). She was beyond giddy to discover she was younger than my mom. I told her my mom was slightly older than some of my peers mothers bc she had a daughter (my sister) before I was born who passed away and she had trouble conceiving afterwards. His mom didn’t react or respond to this as she was still so giddy to over the fact she was younger than my mom. Red flag..
-In our early relationship my husband lived in a house w/ friends. He was 26. When we’d visit his family, his mom would always say he should move back home & save money. I found this odd behavior for a mother wanting their son to grow & flourish as an adult.
-After a year & a half dating we decide to move in together. My future MIL pulls me to the side for a 1 on 1 conversation & tells me if things don’t work out, don't worry, there’s always a way to break a lease & get out of it if things aren’t going well (why would things not go well…?). She begins quizzing me re: my prior relationships/ how they ended. Before going back to the topic of us moving in together & basically tells me she doesn’t approve.. generally makes me feel unacceptEd. I tell my now husband how uncomfortable this made me & he has a talk with her, she gaslights, tells him she feels she’s walking on eggshells w/ us & did nothing wrong, we are so sensitive, how she doesn’t do anything right.
-She begins incessantly planning get togethers with us, telling us she never gets to see us (when we visit 1-2x/month). We don’t even live in the same city. Not to mention we’re busy in our 20’s w/ friends & establishing our own lives. Every time she sees us she leads w/, ‘oh I’ve missed you sooo much. when did I see you last? Why has it been so long? I’m soooo happy to see you. (On & on, guilt trip behavior).
-Our first Christmas dating we spent w/ his family, the 2nd year w/ my family. When we told her we wojld spend the 2nd Christmas w/ my family she had a huge outburst, behaving super frantic/ triggered. We got upset and left shortly after. The following day I txted her we were upset she reacted to our plan that way, we spent the prior Christmas w/ them & it was our decision.. and moving forward we’d be splitting holidays. She played it off, said I wasn’t upset at all if you thought that I really wasn’t! I don’t think I came off like that, sorry if you felt that way, then she changed the subject. Once again gaslighting (this being the last time I confront her myself. My husband handles from here on out)
-She begins asking where I buy all my clothes. Nonstop questions ab my material possessions. Then starts going out and buying the same items for herself.
-She starts constantly telling my husband on the phone how she never sees him and making him feel guilty. When we see his parents 1-2 times a month.. and live 2 hrs away.
-Around this time, If I stated an opinion ab something (as in I would bring it up) she’d debate everything I would say as if I wasn’t allowed to have that opinion.
-Pulls me to the side of a party 1 on 1 & tells me in private ‘you’re so lucky to have my son, I just want you to know that you’re really lucky.. I hope you know it’ she wasn’t being nice when she said it.
-Around this time she tells us how my husbands sister is so sad that he (my husband) has a gf (me) but how she doesn’t have a boyfriend. Triangulating her 2 children, w/ the goal of wanting her son to feel guilt for being happy and in a successful relationship.
-Husbands mom starts getting jealous when we go on family beach trips w/ my family. We go for a week every year. She makes disapproving comments to us/ is generally unhappy her son is enjoying vacations.
-She starts making comments to now husband ab how I am closed off, crying to him about never seeing him and how he doesn’t make enough effort..
-Begins incessantly micromanaging my husband: texts him reminding him of this and that, tells him my (as in me…) birthday is X days away, to make sure to get me something, to get his sister something, reminding him he should ‘make plans with his dad soon or go see his dad soon’ or ‘have you called your sister recently? You need to call her it’s your job as a brother’
-Begins generally undermining how we live our lives, generally casting judgement on any and every decision we make.
-Around this time his sister who is only 2 years younger begins acting bratty- we give her furniture, tvs, clothing large items she says she wants and she is super ungrateful, complains about the items we give her, tells us they’re too heavy for her & that we need to carry it for her and put it In her house for her. Only calls or texts us when she needs something, wants advice, or wants to complain to us. Never any other times. It’s always all ab her.
-His sister then keeps our dog for us when we are out of town for a few days (which we were shocked her said yes). We stocked the fridge w/ 7 or so bottles of wine for her and made our home lovely/ special for her stay. Her new boyfriend even comes to stay with her (they both have roommates so this is a chance for the 2 of them to be alone). After our trip we were over the top grateful thanking her many times. She then pitches a fit to my now husband telling him we bought her cheap Trader Joe’s wine and that she can’t believe we didn’t bring her back a tshirt from our trip, complaining on and on yelling at him.
-my husband and I get engaged and his mom/sister begin trying to force get togethers, my husband sister begins asking me to go to workout classes, etc. which is v. Out of character. It continues & becomes apparent this is happening only bc we got engaged. It feels disgenuine as she never made efforts in the 5 years before we were engaged…
-My bridesmaids are my closest, nearest dearest friends who I’ve known for 10+ years. My husband’s sister cried when she found out she wasn’t a bridesmaid and started calling my husband weekly crying / begging him to be a bridesmaid. Then my MIL starts calling, telling him how disappointed she is. He tells his mother, I’m not sure why she’d expect to be a bridesmaid, she’s never made an effort, they aren’t close, she gets to select her closest friends to stand by her side. This has nothing to do with not liking or leaving anyone out on purpose. His mom cries, repeats how deeply disappointed she is, how wrong this is, etc. My husband tells his mother he plans to ask his dad to be his best man. Disclaimer: neither of my brothers were by husbands groomsmen, they couldn’t have cared less…
-My husband asks his father to be his best man. His father declines and says ‘no, not unless your sister can be a bridesmaid’………………….
-My MIL creates her own wedding hotel block for her friends and family, sending out a mass email to them. This is outside of the 4 hotel blocks we already have on our wedding website.
-I start hearing my MIL is saying to friends/family, ‘As long as my son is happy that’s all I care about, I just really hope that he is. All I can do is hope’ and telling people how devastated she is that her daughter isn’t a bridesmaid and how messed up and wrong it is and how weddings are a family celebration for the family. No one ever confronts me once about the bridesmaid situation.
-My husband ends up telling his mother to never mention the bridesmaid topic again, how he won’t tolerate it and is done hearing about it.
-We ask my SIL to give a reading at our wedding. Her response: ‘if I have to’. She is a pill our entire wedding, in almost every photo she is scowling.
-When we receive our wedding photos & upload online, my SIL/MIL text and ask me where all the photos of them are (there were plenty…). I told them I uploaded every photo our photographer sent. They told me this wasn’t true, were extremely disrespectful to me, basically told me I was lying when I wasn’t. I uploaded every single one. I even reached out to my photographer to ask if she’s deleted any of the photos before sending…
-My husband & I got into a disagreement with my SIL where we had a huge argument resulting in a 6 month period of no contact. This arises after we confronted her, calmly & maturely about an issue we had to which she cussed us out and called me every terrible curse word you can imagine. My husband was livid- told her she would not talk to/ab me that way & how childish she was behaving, how we should be able to confront her when we are upset about something she’s done, etc. After several months of no contact w/ my SIL, my MIL begins calling my husband saying: you ‘will/must’ resolve things w/ your sister. He says no & it’s not her business. My husbands father then calls him, clearly deployed by MIL (as he’s very chill/no-drama). The situation becomes even more stressful due to my MIL pressuring my husband re: a topic that doesn’t involve her. I too become stressed, seeing my in laws trying to control him. My in laws then have my SIL’s bf text my Husband saying, ‘I really hate seeing this for the family I want everyone to be ok’ (although once has my SIL attempted to reach out & apologize for calling me a bit** cu**, etc). When his attempt doesn’t work on my husband, my MIL then sends my husband & me a joint text message ab How she wouldn’t be intervening if her daughter could handle this on her own & how we need to fix it. My husband responds & tells his mom off, essentially saying: This isn’t your business. My wife is owed an apology, you guys also have never apologized for how horribly you treated us during our wedding.. the happiest time of our lives, a day we get to have exactly how WE want. My sister can handle her own problems she’s an adult, shes never going to learn bc you meddle in every problem she has bc you want things your way. Then when you don’t get what you want, you get everyone to do your dirty work for you in hopes you can bulldoze & get your way. You make everything ab you, what you want, when & how you want it. Those days are over (this is a summary of his response).
(hmm wonder why my SIL doesn’t know how to handle adversity, bc you handle everything for her even though she is an adult)
-SIL reaches out to my husband and says she wants to talk. He says no, you treated my wife poorly. You will reach out and apologize to her, not me. You won’t disrespect my wife. And she does do this although it takes her a week or so. And it did seem genuine.
-I think this all stems from drama my MIL creates, and when things don’t go her way she pulls others in to manipulate them & do her dirty work for her.
-husband and I lived 2 hours from his parents. We end up moving 10 hours away to create distance from his family. They disapprove and generally disapprove of any and every decision we make, as they don’t act with love and support our decisions as loving parents would.
-In laws announce they are starting an annual family vacation…to the private beach MY family has vacationed at since I was born (it’s not a mainstream location…it’s rather obscure). My in laws have never even been there before. I tell my husband I absolutely refuse to go & will not enable the intrusive/copying behavior.
-My husband & I take a trip just 2 of us. We stay in an airbnb. 3 months later his parents tell us they planned a trip to the same location for the 2 of them & they’d also found & booked the exact same airbnb we stayed at so they could experience the same exact trip my husband & I went on….
-Additional overstepping, intrusive, creepy behavior like above persists. They start buying many of the same exact material items, or furniture we own (obscure antiques, designer items, etc….), essentially copying everything we do. We want our own unique & individual things that make us, US. & it seems as if demand to show us they won’t allow us to have that for ourselves under and circumstance. Almost as if they aren’t entitled full access to our lives, so they will bulldoze and access our lives in their own ways to make them feel in control. This is my take.
-There’s no major animosity now but we have majorly pulled away from them. My husband calls his parents once a month or so. We now see them 3-4 times a year.
-Things will be nice & relaxing for a month or 2 then out of the blue my MIL will blow up out of nowhere calling my husband 8x in a row telling him he will speak to his mother he will do this and that. Often he simply ignores her or waits several days to respond. She likes to tell him ‘you need to call your father and speak with him’ ‘hey it’s dads birthday make sure do this and that’ (obviously we know when their birthdays are… we are pretty on top of things, still she cannot stand not being in control).
-MIL just flipped out on my husband for not calling her on Mother’s Day, though we send a gift, card, and send multiple texts first thing in the morning. My husband received multiple messages from his dad : why have you not called your mother??? Did you forget? Call your mother now. We’re skeptical the texts were actually from his dad..
-Although we’ve distanced ourselves, the every 2 mnth outbursts are exhausting. I am now 6 weeks pregnant. So excited! BUT Dreading telling them as I envision MIL & SIL making it all about them, freaking out ab how we aren’t involving them enough.. I imagine my MIL starting to disgeuninely call/text me constantly, demand to be involved at the level she expects & believes she deserves, will probably buy high chairs, cribs, etc for her own home.. and make it about her In any way possible.
Any advice on how to deal with a woman like this? I feel like I have to constantly prepare for her actions, outbursts, or things she might say. She’s draining, the pressure she puts on my husband is absurd, her expectations are outrageous, she’s judgmental and controlling, everything is about her, and she is emotionally immature in every way. I feel protective over my husband and our marriage and can’t stand them constant trying to order him around with their high expectations and demands. Help!
submitted by Chaoticsatire3 to JUSTNOMIL [link] [comments]
Before meeting my now-husbands mother, VERY early on in our relationship and before we were even official, his mother requested to follow me on all my social media accounts. I had not met her at the time and found it way too soon & creepy. Even at this point I got the initial feeling she was the type who forces levels of intimacy that she has not made the effort to genuinely attain.
-In the beginning I did make a concerted effort w/ his family. I quickly learned his Mother asks v. intrusive questions. It’s clear her questions aren’t genuine, but for the sole purpose of having ‘intel’. As if it’s ’information gathering’ for her benefit.
-The 2nd time meeting his mother she immediately asked me what year my parents got married. I told her I wasn’t sure & she began asking me if I knew what decade.. followed by questions re: my mom’s birthdate. Then she told me what she really wanted to know was my mom’s age (always an ulterior motive..). She was beyond giddy to discover she was younger than my mom. I told her my mom was slightly older than some of my peers mothers bc she had a daughter (my sister) before I was born who passed away and she had trouble conceiving afterwards. His mom didn’t react or respond to this as she was still so giddy to over the fact she was younger than my mom. Red flag..
-In our early relationship my husband lived in a house w/ friends. He was 26. When we’d visit his family, his mom would always say he should move back home & save money. I found this odd behavior for a mother wanting their son to grow & flourish as an adult.
-After a year & a half dating we decide to move in together. My future MIL pulls me to the side for a 1 on 1 conversation & tells me if things don’t work out, don't worry, there’s always a way to break a lease & get out of it if things aren’t going well (why would things not go well…?). She begins quizzing me re: my prior relationships/ how they ended. Before going back to the topic of us moving in together & basically tells me she doesn’t approve.. generally makes me feel unacceptEd. I tell my now husband how uncomfortable this made me & he has a talk with her, she gaslights, tells him she feels she’s walking on eggshells w/ us & did nothing wrong, we are so sensitive, how she doesn’t do anything right.
-She begins incessantly planning get togethers with us, telling us she never gets to see us (when we visit 1-2x/month). We don’t even live in the same city. Not to mention we’re busy in our 20’s w/ friends & establishing our own lives. Every time she sees us she leads w/, ‘oh I’ve missed you sooo much. when did I see you last? Why has it been so long? I’m soooo happy to see you. (On & on, guilt trip behavior).
-Our first Christmas dating we spent w/ his family, the 2nd year w/ my family. When we told her we wojld spend the 2nd Christmas w/ my family she had a huge outburst, behaving super frantic/ triggered. We got upset and left shortly after. The following day I txted her we were upset she reacted to our plan that way, we spent the prior Christmas w/ them & it was our decision.. and moving forward we’d be splitting holidays. She played it off, said I wasn’t upset at all if you thought that I really wasn’t! I don’t think I came off like that, sorry if you felt that way, then she changed the subject. Once again gaslighting (this being the last time I confront her myself. My husband handles from here on out)
-She begins asking where I buy all my clothes. Nonstop questions ab my material possessions. Then starts going out and buying the same items for herself.
-She starts constantly telling my husband on the phone how she never sees him and making him feel guilty. When we see his parents 1-2 times a month.. and live 2 hrs away.
-Around this time, If I stated an opinion ab something (as in I would bring it up) she’d debate everything I would say as if I wasn’t allowed to have that opinion.
-Pulls me to the side of a party 1 on 1 & tells me in private ‘you’re so lucky to have my son, I just want you to know that you’re really lucky.. I hope you know it’ she wasn’t being nice when she said it.
-Around this time she tells us how my husbands sister is so sad that he (my husband) has a gf (me) but how she doesn’t have a boyfriend. Triangulating her 2 children, w/ the goal of wanting her son to feel guilt for being happy and in a successful relationship.
-Husbands mom starts getting jealous when we go on family beach trips w/ my family. We go for a week every year. She makes disapproving comments to us/ is generally unhappy her son is enjoying vacations.
-She starts making comments to now husband ab how I am closed off, crying to him about never seeing him and how he doesn’t make enough effort..
-Begins incessantly micromanaging my husband: texts him reminding him of this and that, tells him my (as in me…) birthday is X days away, to make sure to get me something, to get his sister something, reminding him he should ‘make plans with his dad soon or go see his dad soon’ or ‘have you called your sister recently? You need to call her it’s your job as a brother’
-Begins generally undermining how we live our lives, generally casting judgement on any and every decision we make.
-Around this time his sister who is only 2 years younger begins acting bratty- we give her furniture, tvs, clothing large items she says she wants and she is super ungrateful, complains about the items we give her, tells us they’re too heavy for her & that we need to carry it for her and put it In her house for her. Only calls or texts us when she needs something, wants advice, or wants to complain to us. Never any other times. It’s always all ab her.
-His sister then keeps our dog for us when we are out of town for a few days (which we were shocked her said yes). We stocked the fridge w/ 7 or so bottles of wine for her and made our home lovely/ special for her stay. Her new boyfriend even comes to stay with her (they both have roommates so this is a chance for the 2 of them to be alone). After our trip we were over the top grateful thanking her many times. She then pitches a fit to my now husband telling him we bought her cheap Trader Joe’s wine and that she can’t believe we didn’t bring her back a tshirt from our trip, complaining on and on yelling at him.
-my husband and I get engaged and his mom/sister begin trying to force get togethers, my husband sister begins asking me to go to workout classes, etc. which is v. Out of character. It continues & becomes apparent this is happening only bc we got engaged. It feels disgenuine as she never made efforts in the 5 years before we were engaged…
-My bridesmaids are my closest, nearest dearest friends who I’ve known for 10+ years. My husband’s sister cried when she found out she wasn’t a bridesmaid and started calling my husband weekly crying / begging him to be a bridesmaid. Then my MIL starts calling, telling him how disappointed she is. He tells his mother, I’m not sure why she’d expect to be a bridesmaid, she’s never made an effort, they aren’t close, she gets to select her closest friends to stand by her side. This has nothing to do with not liking or leaving anyone out on purpose. His mom cries, repeats how deeply disappointed she is, how wrong this is, etc. My husband tells his mother he plans to ask his dad to be his best man. Disclaimer: neither of my brothers were by husbands groomsmen, they couldn’t have cared less…
-My husband asks his father to be his best man. His father declines and says ‘no, not unless your sister can be a bridesmaid’………………….
-My MIL creates her own wedding hotel block for her friends and family, sending out a mass email to them. This is outside of the 4 hotel blocks we already have on our wedding website.
-I start hearing my MIL is saying to friends/family, ‘As long as my son is happy that’s all I care about, I just really hope that he is. All I can do is hope’ and telling people how devastated she is that her daughter isn’t a bridesmaid and how messed up and wrong it is and how weddings are a family celebration for the family. No one ever confronts me once about the bridesmaid situation.
-My husband ends up telling his mother to never mention the bridesmaid topic again, how he won’t tolerate it and is done hearing about it.
-We ask my SIL to give a reading at our wedding. Her response: ‘if I have to’. She is a pill our entire wedding, in almost every photo she is scowling.
-When we receive our wedding photos & upload online, my SIL/MIL text and ask me where all the photos of them are (there were plenty…). I told them I uploaded every photo our photographer sent. They told me this wasn’t true, were extremely disrespectful to me, basically told me I was lying when I wasn’t. I uploaded every single one. I even reached out to my photographer to ask if she’s deleted any of the photos before sending…
-My husband & I got into a disagreement with my SIL where we had a huge argument resulting in a 6 month period of no contact. This arises after we confronted her, calmly & maturely about an issue we had to which she cussed us out and called me every terrible curse word you can imagine. My husband was livid- told her she would not talk to/ab me that way & how childish she was behaving, how we should be able to confront her when we are upset about something she’s done, etc. After several months of no contact w/ my SIL, my MIL begins calling my husband saying: you ‘will/must’ resolve things w/ your sister. He says no & it’s not her business. My husbands father then calls him, clearly deployed by MIL (as he’s very chill/no-drama). The situation becomes even more stressful due to my MIL pressuring my husband re: a topic that doesn’t involve her. I too become stressed, seeing my in laws trying to control him. My in laws then have my SIL’s bf text my Husband saying, ‘I really hate seeing this for the family I want everyone to be ok’ (although once has my SIL attempted to reach out & apologize for calling me a bit** cu**, etc). When his attempt doesn’t work on my husband, my MIL then sends my husband & me a joint text message ab How she wouldn’t be intervening if her daughter could handle this on her own & how we need to fix it. My husband responds & tells his mom off, essentially saying: This isn’t your business. My wife is owed an apology, you guys also have never apologized for how horribly you treated us during our wedding.. the happiest time of our lives, a day we get to have exactly how WE want. My sister can handle her own problems she’s an adult, shes never going to learn bc you meddle in every problem she has bc you want things your way. Then when you don’t get what you want, you get everyone to do your dirty work for you in hopes you can bulldoze & get your way. You make everything ab you, what you want, when & how you want it. Those days are over (this is a summary of his response).
(hmm wonder why my SIL doesn’t know how to handle adversity, bc you handle everything for her even though she is an adult)
-SIL reaches out to my husband and says she wants to talk. He says no, you treated my wife poorly. You will reach out and apologize to her, not me. You won’t disrespect my wife. And she does do this although it takes her a week or so. And it did seem genuine.
-I think this all stems from drama my MIL creates, and when things don’t go her way she pulls others in to manipulate them & do her dirty work for her.
-husband and I lived 2 hours from his parents. We end up moving 10 hours away to create distance from his family. They disapprove and generally disapprove of any and every decision we make, as they don’t act with love and support our decisions as loving parents would.
-In laws announce they are starting an annual family vacation…to the private beach MY family has vacationed at since I was born (it’s not a mainstream location…it’s rather obscure). My in laws have never even been there before. I tell my husband I absolutely refuse to go & will not enable the intrusive/copying behavior.
-My husband & I take a trip just 2 of us. We stay in an airbnb. 3 months later his parents tell us they planned a trip to the same location for the 2 of them & they’d also found & booked the exact same airbnb we stayed at so they could experience the same exact trip my husband & I went on….
-Additional overstepping, intrusive, creepy behavior like above persists. They start buying many of the same exact material items, or furniture we own (obscure antiques, designer items, etc….), essentially copying everything we do. We want our own unique & individual things that make us, US. & it seems as if demand to show us they won’t allow us to have that for ourselves under and circumstance. Almost as if they aren’t entitled full access to our lives, so they will bulldoze and access our lives in their own ways to make them feel in control. This is my take.
-There’s no major animosity now but we have majorly pulled away from them. My husband calls his parents once a month or so. We now see them 3-4 times a year.
-Things will be nice & relaxing for a month or 2 then out of the blue my MIL will blow up out of nowhere calling my husband 8x in a row telling him he will speak to his mother he will do this and that. Often he simply ignores her or waits several days to respond. She likes to tell him ‘you need to call your father and speak with him’ ‘hey it’s dads birthday make sure do this and that’ (obviously we know when their birthdays are… we are pretty on top of things, still she cannot stand not being in control).
-MIL just flipped out on my husband for not calling her on Mother’s Day, though we send a gift, card, and send multiple texts first thing in the morning. My husband received multiple messages from his dad : why have you not called your mother??? Did you forget? Call your mother now. We’re skeptical the texts were actually from his dad..
-Although we’ve distanced ourselves, the every 2 mnth outbursts are exhausting. I am now 6 weeks pregnant. So excited! BUT Dreading telling them as I envision MIL & SIL making it all about them, freaking out ab how we aren’t involving them enough.. I imagine my MIL starting to disgeuninely call/text me constantly, demand to be involved at the level she expects & believes she deserves, will probably buy high chairs, cribs, etc for her own home.. and make it about her In any way possible.
Any advice on how to deal with a woman like this? I feel like I have to constantly prepare for her actions, outbursts, or things she might say. She’s draining, the pressure she puts on my husband is absurd, her expectations are outrageous, she’s judgmental and controlling, everything is about her, and she is emotionally immature in every way. I feel protective over my husband and our marriage and can’t stand them constant trying to order him around with their high expectations and demands. Help!
2024.05.19 19:12 Lassie_Come_Home The Eros and Psyche of it all
Part 2 spoilers/thoughts
I don’t think it’s a coincidence that Cressida compares Penelope and Colin to Eros and Psyche. (Also- although I think she was trying to put in Deblings head that they were more than friends I don’t think she could have known the importance of telling Debling that they lived across the street from each other. Cressida wasn’t in the Feathington drawing room earlier in the day and had no idea that Debling asked why Pen liked that particular window). Anyhow-
The story of Eros and Psyche (this is all relevant I promise- stay with me)
There was a god names Eros, who used his arrows to make people fall in love
There was a human women name Psyche, who was fabeled to be the most beautiful women. She was the youngest of 3 daughters. Men would come just to see her beauty but she could not find a husband.
Aphrodite, Eros mother, and the god of love and beauty was very jealous of Psyche and sent Eros to earth to make Psyche fall in love with some hideous as revenge. Eros agreed to do so but the moment he saw her, he himself felt his heart pierced by one of his own arrows and fell deeply in love with her.
Her father went to an oracle to try to get advice for how to find Psyche a husband, as his older daughter were married, but he could not find Psyche a husband.
The oracle told Psyches father that re husband that was assigned to her, a winged serpent, terrible and more powerful than the gods themselves. He told her father to leave Psyche at the top of a mountain and her new husband would come fetch her.
The wind came and brought her to her new home which to her surprise was a beautiful castle. She seemed alone there but kept hearing a voice but the voice did not scare her and in fact, actually was a comforting and loving voice. At night, in the darkness her husband came to her, but she could not see him. She was certain he was not a monster and was the loving husband she always hoped for. He warned her though that she could never see who he was and could never lay eyes on him. She accepted this.
She became lonely and asked her husband if her sisters could come to visit. He resisted at first but relented but warned her to not let them influence her otherwise she would ruin their marriage.
Her sisters come and get into her head and cause doubt about her husband.
That night she sneaks into their marriage room with a light and uses it to see her husband, who she realizes is Eros himself! She accidentally pricks herself with one of his arrows and falls even more in love. Eros, awakens and is betrayed that she broke her promise and has seen him and leaves
Heartbroken, Psyche asks Aphrodite to speak to Eros and to come back to her.
Aphrodite had not overcome her jealousy for Psyche and still wanted her revenge. She told Psyche that she needed to be completely sure that Psyche was the appropriate wife for her son. Therefore, Psyche should accomplish three tasks to prove her skills. If she failed in even one of these tasks, Eros would be lost to her forever.
She finishes the first two task (with help). Enraged that she completed the task she tasks her with a 3rd and finish task-
She gave a box to Psyche. She had to take it to the Underworld and ask Persephone, queen of the Dead, to drain a little of her beauty into the box. She was warned to not under any circumstances took into the box
Psyche received the box from Persephone and made her way back home. But, true to her nature, she was unable to restrain herself from peeking inside. To her surprise, there was nothing inside but darkness, which put her into a deep sleep. Eros could no longer restrain himself either and wakened her. He told her to bring the box to Aphrodite, and that he would take care of the rest.
Eros went to the heavens and asked Zeus to intervene. He spoke of his love for Psyche so eloquently that Zeus was moved to grant him his wish. Eros brought Psyche to Zeus who gave her a cup of ambrosia, the drink of immortality. Zeus then joined Psyche and Eros in eternal marriage.
SO with that nice lesson on mythology I think it’s a couple things are pretty clear
When Colin finds out about LW, he feels betrayed, as Eros did. Penelope will then in turn have to face challenges to try to prove her love to Colin. I think Colin finds out Penelope is planning something and actually goes to the Queen (Zeus) and speaks greatly of his love her Penelope who grants them as life of happiness
Now, here is where I need someone smarter than me. There was a Reddit post a couple months ago about an original character named ambrosia, (Reddit · PolinBridgerton80+ comments · 6 months agoNew S3 Character: Ambrosia : PolinBridgerton) will play opposite Luke Newton. I don’t think it’s a coincidence her name is Ambrosia, which is the drink that Zeus has Psyche drink to become immortal so she can be with Eros. With all this information, she was obviously be a vital character to Penelope and Colin’s HEA, but I can’t figure out how. Honestly, I don’t think it’s good though. Thoughts?
submitted by Lassie_Come_Home to PolinBridgerton [link] [comments]
I don’t think it’s a coincidence that Cressida compares Penelope and Colin to Eros and Psyche. (Also- although I think she was trying to put in Deblings head that they were more than friends I don’t think she could have known the importance of telling Debling that they lived across the street from each other. Cressida wasn’t in the Feathington drawing room earlier in the day and had no idea that Debling asked why Pen liked that particular window). Anyhow-
The story of Eros and Psyche (this is all relevant I promise- stay with me)
There was a god names Eros, who used his arrows to make people fall in love
There was a human women name Psyche, who was fabeled to be the most beautiful women. She was the youngest of 3 daughters. Men would come just to see her beauty but she could not find a husband.
Aphrodite, Eros mother, and the god of love and beauty was very jealous of Psyche and sent Eros to earth to make Psyche fall in love with some hideous as revenge. Eros agreed to do so but the moment he saw her, he himself felt his heart pierced by one of his own arrows and fell deeply in love with her.
Her father went to an oracle to try to get advice for how to find Psyche a husband, as his older daughter were married, but he could not find Psyche a husband.
The oracle told Psyches father that re husband that was assigned to her, a winged serpent, terrible and more powerful than the gods themselves. He told her father to leave Psyche at the top of a mountain and her new husband would come fetch her.
The wind came and brought her to her new home which to her surprise was a beautiful castle. She seemed alone there but kept hearing a voice but the voice did not scare her and in fact, actually was a comforting and loving voice. At night, in the darkness her husband came to her, but she could not see him. She was certain he was not a monster and was the loving husband she always hoped for. He warned her though that she could never see who he was and could never lay eyes on him. She accepted this.
She became lonely and asked her husband if her sisters could come to visit. He resisted at first but relented but warned her to not let them influence her otherwise she would ruin their marriage.
Her sisters come and get into her head and cause doubt about her husband.
That night she sneaks into their marriage room with a light and uses it to see her husband, who she realizes is Eros himself! She accidentally pricks herself with one of his arrows and falls even more in love. Eros, awakens and is betrayed that she broke her promise and has seen him and leaves
Heartbroken, Psyche asks Aphrodite to speak to Eros and to come back to her.
Aphrodite had not overcome her jealousy for Psyche and still wanted her revenge. She told Psyche that she needed to be completely sure that Psyche was the appropriate wife for her son. Therefore, Psyche should accomplish three tasks to prove her skills. If she failed in even one of these tasks, Eros would be lost to her forever.
She finishes the first two task (with help). Enraged that she completed the task she tasks her with a 3rd and finish task-
She gave a box to Psyche. She had to take it to the Underworld and ask Persephone, queen of the Dead, to drain a little of her beauty into the box. She was warned to not under any circumstances took into the box
Psyche received the box from Persephone and made her way back home. But, true to her nature, she was unable to restrain herself from peeking inside. To her surprise, there was nothing inside but darkness, which put her into a deep sleep. Eros could no longer restrain himself either and wakened her. He told her to bring the box to Aphrodite, and that he would take care of the rest.
Eros went to the heavens and asked Zeus to intervene. He spoke of his love for Psyche so eloquently that Zeus was moved to grant him his wish. Eros brought Psyche to Zeus who gave her a cup of ambrosia, the drink of immortality. Zeus then joined Psyche and Eros in eternal marriage.
SO with that nice lesson on mythology I think it’s a couple things are pretty clear
When Colin finds out about LW, he feels betrayed, as Eros did. Penelope will then in turn have to face challenges to try to prove her love to Colin. I think Colin finds out Penelope is planning something and actually goes to the Queen (Zeus) and speaks greatly of his love her Penelope who grants them as life of happiness
Now, here is where I need someone smarter than me. There was a Reddit post a couple months ago about an original character named ambrosia, (Reddit · PolinBridgerton80+ comments · 6 months agoNew S3 Character: Ambrosia : PolinBridgerton) will play opposite Luke Newton. I don’t think it’s a coincidence her name is Ambrosia, which is the drink that Zeus has Psyche drink to become immortal so she can be with Eros. With all this information, she was obviously be a vital character to Penelope and Colin’s HEA, but I can’t figure out how. Honestly, I don’t think it’s good though. Thoughts?
2024.05.19 19:11 Fun-Mission4815 How can I earn $10 a day
Hello,
I often get asked, "How can I earn $10 a day?"
The truth is, it's quite easy to achieve. Yet, very few people reach this goal for one simple reason: they aren't willing to do what works.
Here's what works:
If you need help and learn more, contact me, I will help you completely FREE. Contact me facebook:
submitted by Fun-Mission4815 to 10dollarsadaypossible [link] [comments]
I often get asked, "How can I earn $10 a day?"
The truth is, it's quite easy to achieve. Yet, very few people reach this goal for one simple reason: they aren't willing to do what works.
Here's what works:
- Spend 5 minutes a day clicking ads to earn a little.
- Spend 10 minutes a day earning ad credits to promote and build a team.
- As each team member joins, your daily earnings increase.
- Work consistently, and you WILL reach $10 a day. It's that simple.
If you need help and learn more, contact me, I will help you completely FREE. Contact me facebook:
2024.05.19 19:10 PTerrio Kestral 7th (Part 42) - 'Flat City-folk'
 | *** The North. Mountains. **\* submitted by PTerrio to war_for_Gryllus [link] [comments] As the sun was beginning to come down the kestral Talon company carried on until the point men saw it. The facility seemed abandoned. "Halt! Company halt!" the lead Sargent held up a closed first and all stopped, dropping to their knees. They surveyed it, quickly gesturing to the marine the plan. With quick movements the platoons split up. The weapons platoon moved to surround the facility from a distance, emplacing medium Autocannons and Lascannons on tripods. Automated mortars were emplaced and sniper teams took aim at any higher positions that could be used as lookouts. The special weapons team moved on to follow behind the other platoons, to be used were needed. Plasma, Melta and Flamers, the sort of thing the standard platoons didn't carry, who mainly used grenade launchers. The other three platoons pressed forward, splitting in three. They would moved through the sides of the facility, not the middle, encircling to meet up at the rear, before moving in. Less angles of possible attack. Less https://preview.redd.it/dyswd9dvue1d1.png?width=720&format=png&auto=webp&s=47a2789d55cf9ab1bf2085054003354c3d6d4118 The Kestral Guardsmen went down, each squad carrying Medium Bolters and a few Missile Launchers as standard. "Red building! 300 metres! Nine O'clock! Move in! Stay Frosty!" The left most platoon, blue platoon readied their as they trapsed forward the seemingly abandoned place. the frontmost team leader voxed their report back to the Astartes. "No signs yet M'Lord." u/theninjaindisguise ..................................................................................................................... *** The Central Front. Ashers Crossing. **\* Quatre was standing as the holograms spoke. Moral as always was standing quietly in the rear of the room, though the people on the opposite side could not see him. They were Senior Officers, others of the same new rank, Lieutenant General, spread out several stars away. This meeting was a continuation of the last one, which had lasted ages, and had been the reason she had missed the main briefing, even now as the distant sound of warfare could be heard miles and miles away. "You understand the issue though," one of the officers on the hologram said, running a hand through her hair as she removed her cap, "this is not something we can ignore. The matter has to be settled." "For the tenth time-we have no one!" Another officer replied. "The Viceroy killed any successors we had onboard his ship, and we have no way of knowing exactly who is or is not still in league with him." "This is nonsense!" A third shouted. She was shorter than the rest but by no means meeker. "We have a clear line of succession!" Quatre spoke up. "We don't know how long this imposter was in his position, has anyone been able to pin down exactly when the real Falconer died?" "It's not exactly a quick thing to investigate." The second officer replied. "The Arbites are already moving into the council and senate. it could be months before we start getting answers. Until then, we have no planetary governor, nor do we have anyone actually leading the Redemption Corps!" The door opened behind her. She glanced, noticing Mendoza and the rest of her squad enter and stiffened her shoulders. "Well regardless I need to maintain the current commitment to this system." Quatre stated firmly. "I'm afraid I need to return to it now." "Very well." the first lieutenant General nodded. "The 77th Army stays on Gryllus, we can agree on that at least. Audi-Kestral." The others repeated it, and Quatre replied before singing off. "Audi Victorem." She sighed, wiping her brow and walking over to Mendoza, gesturing for the others to bugger off. She was probably a poor confidant, but she cared little. "No planetary, and whatever happened aboard the Viceroys ship, the other 30 people who would take his place are gone." She sipped a bottle of water, looking over to Moral out of curiosity to see if he'd moved, but still speaking to Mendoza. "Half of the corps wants to return back to Kestral Prime to figure it out, the other half doesn't trust anyone to do anything. Another day in the corps." ..................................................................................................................... ***Campburg**\* He watched it though the magnfication device, hiding by the window pain. The horizen was glowing. "That ours?" "Looks like it. Kestrals moving into the outer defences, seems liek Titans and Areonautica too." "What's the plan?" "Same as it ever was." "Same as ever? The plan's been messed up from the start surely?" "No plan survives direct contact with the enemy." "Still, most survive better than this." Gideon lowered the magnifier and turned away from the skyscrapers window to face him. "Blackhawk, you should know by now that when I say I have a plan what I really mean is a vague idea." The man laughed. "If you say so. I work best on my feet I guess." The Omicron Raptors looked over, slightly annoyed. "Do you two ever stop talking?" Tempestor Salazar asked. "Not if I can help it." Blackhawk smirked. One of the scions stepped back from the panel and gave a thumbs up. "Charges set." "Good." Gideon said. "Part 1, we nab the data-set inside this vault. Part 2, we flee the city." "How do we do part 2?" Salazar asked. "I havn't thought of that part yet." she looked annoyed. "Surely the whole plan rests on part 2?" "You'd think." Blackhawk agree, though sardonically. "We'll wing it." The rest of the surviving raptors did not look impressed. |
2024.05.19 19:09 throw-away-econ-app PhD Profile Evaluation for Econ/Econ adjacent (accounting/finance)
I'm a student graduating from a CSU looking to apply to econ & econ adjacent (accounting/finance) PhD programs. I'm not sure where to aim since I have a weird profile. I'd appreciate anyone's input. I like tax research and asset pricing so I think I'm going to focus on accounting Ph.D.'s since I think my calc grades will be less of an issue and because I have a job lined up at a public accounting firm in the fall.
I plan on working for 1-3 years before applying. I'd really just like an idea of what I can do to improve my profile and where I should be aiming right now. Goal-wise if I went accounting I'd be shooting for an R1 placement and if I went econ I think I'd be shooting for a job as a CSU prof.
I am also looking at econ masters programs. I can attend USC's applied masters program at a deep discount (taxable tuition waiver) because one of my parents is an adjunct there. That seems like it would solve a lot of my problems since it would establish some distance between me and my undergrad grades and they have a masters thesis option which could give me a letter of rec from someone well known. Placing into USC's accounting PhD would be ideal, there are a lot of people there I'd like to work with. My main concern is that it is not intended for PhD prep, so I'm not sure how much I would actually get out of it.
My Profile:
Overall GPA: 3.1
GPA in the last 2 years: 3.65
Econ GPA: 3.9
Math GPA: 3.13
Note: My university does not award A+ grades, an A is a 4.0.
Math Classes in Chronological Order:
1.5 years as an undergrad research assistant:
3 pretty enthusiastic letters, but none of them are well-known economists of course because its a more teaching-oriented school. One is from the professor I was a research assistant under, the other two are from professors who I took an upper-division class with and wrote a class paper for.
My math stats professor, who has a phd in stats & a masters in econ, said he would write a supplemental letter saying that I am well prepared for phd level econometrics if that matters.
GRE:
Haven't taken it yet, but I have done well on every standardized math test I've taken and this will be the first one I put a lot of effort into. I got a 170 on the quantitative section of the practice test before studying, so I expect I'll be able to get a 167+ by the time I apply. Would a 167 vs 170 make a difference in my case?
If you read this whole thing, thank you so much! I appreciate the time everyone here takes to help each other out.
submitted by throw-away-econ-app to academiceconomics [link] [comments]
I plan on working for 1-3 years before applying. I'd really just like an idea of what I can do to improve my profile and where I should be aiming right now. Goal-wise if I went accounting I'd be shooting for an R1 placement and if I went econ I think I'd be shooting for a job as a CSU prof.
I am also looking at econ masters programs. I can attend USC's applied masters program at a deep discount (taxable tuition waiver) because one of my parents is an adjunct there. That seems like it would solve a lot of my problems since it would establish some distance between me and my undergrad grades and they have a masters thesis option which could give me a letter of rec from someone well known. Placing into USC's accounting PhD would be ideal, there are a lot of people there I'd like to work with. My main concern is that it is not intended for PhD prep, so I'm not sure how much I would actually get out of it.
My Profile:
Overall GPA: 3.1
GPA in the last 2 years: 3.65
Econ GPA: 3.9
Math GPA: 3.13
Note: My university does not award A+ grades, an A is a 4.0.
Math Classes in Chronological Order:
- Business Calc: A
- Stats 101: C
- Calc 1: B (Retaken after a D)
- Calc 2: C
- Calc 3: B
- Probability Theory: C
- Intro to Higher Math (Proof Writing): A
- Linear Algebra: A
- Intro to Real Analysis: A
- Mathematical Statistics: A
- Intro to Micro: A
- Intro to Macro: B
- History: A
- Price Theory: A
- Money and Banking: A
- Econ Data Analysis: A
- Macro Theory: A
- Labor: B+
- Development: A-
- Metrics: A
- International Finance: A
- Public Econ: A
1.5 years as an undergrad research assistant:
- Assists in modeling energy markets & optimal levels of liquid natural gas storage in the EU
- Used Python to aggregate over 20,000 firm level datasets into a comprehensive dataset for the EU, giving us 100 times as much usable data.
- Incorporated state-level Renewable Portfolio Standards into existing python model, generating additional metrics used to measure the impact of regulatory pressure
- Utilizes Python data science packages for regression analysis, data manipulation, and visualization
3 pretty enthusiastic letters, but none of them are well-known economists of course because its a more teaching-oriented school. One is from the professor I was a research assistant under, the other two are from professors who I took an upper-division class with and wrote a class paper for.
My math stats professor, who has a phd in stats & a masters in econ, said he would write a supplemental letter saying that I am well prepared for phd level econometrics if that matters.
GRE:
Haven't taken it yet, but I have done well on every standardized math test I've taken and this will be the first one I put a lot of effort into. I got a 170 on the quantitative section of the practice test before studying, so I expect I'll be able to get a 167+ by the time I apply. Would a 167 vs 170 make a difference in my case?
If you read this whole thing, thank you so much! I appreciate the time everyone here takes to help each other out.
2024.05.19 19:06 HuckleberrySolid8064 my sister is using my trauma to close her case ://
I 19(f) want to start this off by explaining some of the backstory so you guys can understand better, my biological father 50(m) has been married to several women, meaning i have several half sisters. I have only met two of my half sisters, one i no longer have contact with her mother since they left the country due to my father, and the other,30(f) who was the most relevant in my life since i was young, lets call her Daisy. My father and Daisy have had issues since 2021 I believe, and this issue consisted of incest. See, according to my sister it was 🍇, but according to my father it was mutual consent = incest. Me obviously believing my sister, due to the fact my father had forced me touch his private parts as a child, it seemed like something our father would do. Daisy put my father in jail for what was supposed to be a 13 year long sentence that was shortened to 3 months because of his then wife bailing him out. Soon after that Daisy disappeared out of my life without saying anything.
Now, jump to about 3 months ago maybe, I moved out of my childhood home and am now living in the city in my own apartment, relieved I have escaped the constant drama of living near my father in a small town and trying to avoid him. I also knew that Daisy lives in the city and we had recently gotten back into contact, so I asked to meet up and update each other in hopes of rebuilding the bond we once had. To my unfortunate surprise, she had completely and utterly changed, as one will do when they go through extremely traumatic events. We recapped on our traumas because she is the only one who could ever understand the trauma caused by our father. It felt good to talk about it again with someone who understood so well. Little did i know i would regret this reunion in a month.
I had just gotten back to my apartment after getting a nightstand from walmart, and i was already frustrated because ubers kept cancelling because i asked for help. Anyways, I finally got someone to help me get this nightstand up my stairs into my apartment and i got a call from my father saying Daisy had messaged people in our small town about what my father made me do to him as a child. Aside from my absolute shock of being betrayed by Daisy, my father scolded me and told me, why did you trust her etc etc. I yelled back for the first time in my life, told him how selfish he was to not even ask if i was okay or not, his “reputation” has been ruined by himself several times but now he finally has someone to blame for the downfall of his no longer existent reputation and i wasnt going to let him blame me. My father said Daisy is probably going to take him to court again and what not. I had no more pity left for him to be honest, he is the reason i never got a childhood, and have spent my teenage years up until now healing. He wanted me to lie in court (if i was called), and tell them that i was the one who wanted to touch his private parts ??????? I didnt give him an answer. I was torn at the betrayal of my sister. Mind you, i had told Daisy what our father had done to me back when she had finally put him in jail. She kept my secret for 2 years,she had never proven to me that she was untrustworthy. I messaged her and she immediately apologized and said she knew why i was messaging her, and i ask Daisy why she would do that at the cost of my trust? and she ignored me. ignored my pleas, and said she was using it to close her case, and i understood that there isnt anything i can do now but ask to not be involved.
submitted by HuckleberrySolid8064 to offmychest [link] [comments]
Now, jump to about 3 months ago maybe, I moved out of my childhood home and am now living in the city in my own apartment, relieved I have escaped the constant drama of living near my father in a small town and trying to avoid him. I also knew that Daisy lives in the city and we had recently gotten back into contact, so I asked to meet up and update each other in hopes of rebuilding the bond we once had. To my unfortunate surprise, she had completely and utterly changed, as one will do when they go through extremely traumatic events. We recapped on our traumas because she is the only one who could ever understand the trauma caused by our father. It felt good to talk about it again with someone who understood so well. Little did i know i would regret this reunion in a month.
I had just gotten back to my apartment after getting a nightstand from walmart, and i was already frustrated because ubers kept cancelling because i asked for help. Anyways, I finally got someone to help me get this nightstand up my stairs into my apartment and i got a call from my father saying Daisy had messaged people in our small town about what my father made me do to him as a child. Aside from my absolute shock of being betrayed by Daisy, my father scolded me and told me, why did you trust her etc etc. I yelled back for the first time in my life, told him how selfish he was to not even ask if i was okay or not, his “reputation” has been ruined by himself several times but now he finally has someone to blame for the downfall of his no longer existent reputation and i wasnt going to let him blame me. My father said Daisy is probably going to take him to court again and what not. I had no more pity left for him to be honest, he is the reason i never got a childhood, and have spent my teenage years up until now healing. He wanted me to lie in court (if i was called), and tell them that i was the one who wanted to touch his private parts ??????? I didnt give him an answer. I was torn at the betrayal of my sister. Mind you, i had told Daisy what our father had done to me back when she had finally put him in jail. She kept my secret for 2 years,she had never proven to me that she was untrustworthy. I messaged her and she immediately apologized and said she knew why i was messaging her, and i ask Daisy why she would do that at the cost of my trust? and she ignored me. ignored my pleas, and said she was using it to close her case, and i understood that there isnt anything i can do now but ask to not be involved.
2024.05.19 19:06 DTG_Bot [D2] Daily Reset Thread [2024-05-19]
Daily Modifiers
Vanguard Ops
- Subtle Foes: Certain foes are stealthy when at a distance. They become visible when near a Guardian.
- Increased Vanguard Rank: All Vanguard Rank point gains are increased!
- Solar Surge: 25% bonus to outgoing Solar damage.
- Strand Surge: 25% bonus to outgoing Strand damage.
- Void Threat: 25% increase to incoming Void damage.
- Power Level Disabled: Combatant difficulty is set at a fixed level.
Dares of Eternity
- Avatara's Psyche: Supers recharge more quickly.
- Champion Foes: You will face [Shield-Piercing] Barrier, [Disruption] Overload, and [Stagger] Unstoppable Champions. Visit the Character or Mod Customization screen to view your active anti-Champion perks.
Onslaught: Playlist
- Onslaught Rules: Defend and repair the ADU against waves of combatants. There are 10 waves to a set. ADU: If the ADU is destroyed, the activity ends. Scraps: An in-activity currency. They are earned by scoring and used to purchase and upgrade defenses at the start of every set and after waves 3 and 6. Rewards: Paid out after every set upon defeating the boss wave. Subsequent sets pay out better rewards. Legend increases rewards. Bonus Objectives: Rewards resources, vendor reputation, and armaments.
- Power Level Disabled: Combatant difficulty is set at a fixed level.
- Void Threat: 25% increase to incoming Void damage.
- Solar Surge: 25% bonus to outgoing Solar damage.
- Strand Surge: 25% bonus to outgoing Strand damage.
- Champion Foes: You will face [Shield-Piercing] Barrier, [Disruption] Overload, and [Stagger] Unstoppable Champions. Visit the Character or Mod Customization screen to view your active anti-Champion perks.
Riven's Lair
- Mettle: Power Level: All combatants in this activity will be at least 5 points over the player's current Power level.
- Void Threat: 25% increase to incoming Void damage.
- Iron: Enemies have more health and are not staggered by damage.
- Stasis Surge: 25% bonus to outgoing Stasis damage.
- Solar Surge: 25% bonus to outgoing Solar damage.
The Coil
- The Coil Rules: Successfully complete four pathways inside Riven's Lair. Escalating Difficulty: Player's Power levels are fixed. Starting at 0 each subsequent pathway increases all combatants' Power level over the player's by 5. Wishing Glass: Wishing Glass is an in-activity currency. They drop from combatants, Glass Collectors, and pots. Wishing Glass comes in multiple rarities equating to their worth. Wishing Glass is used to purchase Dragon's Gifts from Riven. Dragon's Gifts: A set of buffs are randomly chosen, once per run. Between pathways, players can purchase buffs from Riven via Wishing Glass. Buffs are separated into three price point tiers. Rewards: After each pathway, players will return to Riven for their rewards. Subsequent pathways pay out better rewards. Breaking through score thresholds unlock secret chests. Finishing The Coil with a platinum score rewards players with access to the lustrous and lucrative Chamber of Wishes.
- Multiplicity: Combatant difficulty scales with fireteam size.
- Limited Revives: Limited fireteam revives. Purchase additional revives from Riven with Wishing Glass. Small chance to drop from destroying pots.
- Full Extinguish: If all your fireteam members fall with 0 Revive Tokens, everyone is returned to orbit.
- Chill Touch: Being hit by a melee attack slows you.
- Galvanized: Combatants have more health and are more difficult to stun.
- The Pathways: Riven's wish magic stirs. The following are the pathways and their order in The Coil: -Divining Hall -First Steps (Temple of the Queen's Wrath) -Sensorium (Reaver's Orison) -First Steps (Cell of the Sycophant)
- Arc Threat: 25% increase to incoming Arc damage.
- Denial: Taken Vandals summon their shields significantly more often.
- Overcharged Shotgun: 25% bonus to Shotgun damage.
- Overcharged Linear Fusion Rifle: 25% bonus to Linear Fusion Rifle damage.
Seasonal
Legend/Master Lost Sector
Exotic armor drop (if solo): HelmetScavenger's Den: Legend
- Legend Difficulty: Locked Equipment, Extra Shields
- Champions: [Shield-Piercing] Barrier, [Disruption] Overload
- Threat: [Solar] Solar
- Shields: [Arc] Arc
- Modifiers: Scorched Earth
Scavenger's Den: Master
- Legend Difficulty: Locked Equipment, Extra Shields
- Champions: [Shield-Piercing] Barrier, [Disruption] Overload
- Threat: [Solar] Solar
- Shields: [Arc] Arc
- Modifiers: Scorched Earth
Misc
- Terminal Overload: Límíng Harbor Weapon: Synchronic Roulette (Submachine Gun)
- The Wellspring: Defend Weapon: Tarnation (Grenade Launcher)
- Altars of Sorrow Weapon: Heretic (Rocket Launcher)
Guns & Materials
Banshee's Featured Weapons
| Name | Type | Column 1 | Column 2 | Column 3 | Column 4 | Masterwork |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Cold Denial | Kinetic Pulse Rifle | Arrowhead Brake // Full Bore | Armor-Piercing Rounds // Ricochet Rounds | Grave Robber | Multikill Clip | Tier 2: Stability |
| Code Duello | Heavy Rocket Launcher | Volatile Launch // Hard Launch | Black Powder // Impact Casing | Auto-Loading Holster | Unrelenting | Tier 2: Blast Radius |
| Vulpecula | Kinetic Hand Cannon | Corkscrew Rifling // Fluted Barrel | Steady Rounds // Flared Magwell | Outlaw | Multikill Clip | Tier 2: Reload Speed |
| Lunulata-4b | Kinetic Combat Bow | Natural String // Polymer String | Carbon Arrow Shaft // Compact Arrow Shaft | Ensemble | Adrenaline Junkie | Tier 4: Target Acquisition |
| Aurvandil FR6 | Kinetic Fusion Rifle | Corkscrew Rifling // Polygonal Rifling | Particle Repeater // Projection Fuse | Hip-Fire Grip | Demolitionist | Tier 2: Stability |
Master Rahool's Material Exchange
- Purchase Glimmer (10000 for 10 Legendary Shards)
- Purchase Glimmer (10000 for 10 Dark Fragment)
- Purchase Glimmer (10000 for 10 Phantasmal Fragment)
- Purchase Glimmer (10000 for 25 Herealways Piece)
- Enhancement Prism (1 for 10 Enhancement Core & 10000 Glimmer)
- Ascendant Shard (1 for 10 Enhancement Prism & 50000 Glimmer)
- Ascendant Alloy (1 for 10 Enhancement Prism & 50000 Glimmer)
Bounties
Commander Zavala, Vanguard| Name | Description | Requirement | Reward |
|---|---|---|---|
| Horseshoes and Hand Grenades | Defeat combatants with grenades. Defeating them in Vanguard playlists grants additional progress. | 20 [Grenade] Grenade | XP+ |
| Rocketing to Prominence | Defeat combatants with Heavy ammo. Rocket Launcher final blows in Vanguard playlists grant additional progress. | 20 [Rocket Launcher] Rocket Launcher | XP+ |
| In Their Face | Defeat combatants with Special ammo. Shotgun final blows in Vanguard playlists grant additional progress. | 20 [Shotgun] Shotgun | XP+ |
| Rapid Combustion | Defeat combatants in Vanguard playlists with Solar abilities. Defeating scorched combatants and detonating ignitions grants additional progress. | 50 [Solar] Solar ability | XP+ |
| Name | Description | Requirement | Reward |
|---|---|---|---|
| Sparring Grounds | Complete matches in any Crucible playlist. | 2 Crucible matches | XP+ |
| Calm Like a Bomb | Defeat opponents with Solar ignition damage. | 1 [Solar] Solar ignition | XP+ |
| Area of Effect | Defeat opponents with grenades. | 1 [Grenade] Grenade | XP+ |
| In the Zone | In Control, capture zones. | 3 Zones | XP+ |
| Name | Description | Requirement | Reward |
|---|---|---|---|
| Orbs of Lit | As a fireteam, defeat opponents using grenade final blows in Trials of Osiris. | 5 [Grenade] Grenade | XP+ |
| Lane Plinker | As a fireteam, defeat opponents using Scout Rifle final blows in Trials of Osiris. | 20 [Scout Rifle] Scout Rifle | XP+ |
| Katake's Retribution | As a fireteam, defeat opponents using Fusion Rifle final blows in Trials of Osiris. | 15 [Fusion Rifle] Fusion Rifle | XP+ |
| Voidswept Precipice | As a fireteam, defeat opponents with Void weapon final blows in Trials of Osiris. | 20 [Void] Void weapon | XP+ |
| Name | Description | Requirement | Reward |
|---|---|---|---|
| Sun Charred | Use Solar abilities to defeat enemies in Gambit. Defeated Guardians are worth extra points. | 15 [Solar] Solar ability | XP+ |
| Envoy While It Lasts | Defeat Primeval envoys during Gambit matches. | 2 Envoys | XP+ |
| Final Ploy | Defeat combatants with finisher final blows. | 5 Finisher | XP+ |
| Like Kindling | Use Solar ignition to defeat targets in Gambit. Defeating Guardians grants more progress. | 10 [Solar] Solar ignition | XP+ |
| Name | Description | Requirement | Reward |
|---|---|---|---|
| Bow Calibration | Calibrate Bows against any target. Earn bonus progress with precision final blows and against opposing Guardians. | 100 [Bow] Bow | XP+ & Enhancement Core & Gunsmith Rank Progress |
| Sidearm Calibration | Calibrate Sidearms against any target. Earn bonus progress against targets at close range and opposing Guardians. | 100 [Sidearm] Sidearm | XP+ & Enhancement Core & Gunsmith Rank Progress |
| Machine Gun Calibration | Calibrate Machine Guns against any target. Earn bonus progress against opposing Guardians and for additional targets defeated without reloading. | 100 [Machine Gun] Machine Gun | XP+ & Enhancement Core & Gunsmith Rank Progress |
| Kinetic Calibration | Calibrate Kinetic weapons against any target. Earn bonus progress with precision and against opposing Guardians. | 100 Kinetic weapon | XP+ & Enhancement Core & Gunsmith Rank Progress |
| Name | Description | Requirement | Reward |
|---|---|---|---|
| Snipers of Myth | In Neomuna, defeat combatants with precision final blows. Vex combatants grant additional progress. | 60 [Headshot] Precision | XP+ & 50 Neomuna Rank |
| Finish Majeure | In Neomuna, defeat combatants with finishers. Powerful combatants grant additional progress. | 10 Finisher | XP+ & 50 Neomuna Rank |
| Energetic Havoc | In Neomuna, defeat combatants with Energy weapons. | 25 Energy weapon | XP+ & 50 Neomuna Rank |
| Terminal Rewards | Open chests after completing Terminal Overload. | 3 Chests opened | 1 Terminal Overload Key & 50 Neomuna Rank & XP+ |
| Name | Description | Requirement | Reward |
|---|---|---|---|
| Onslaught Defender | Deploy and upgrade defenses in Onslaught. | 30 Defenses completed | 1 XP+ & 25 Lord Shaxx Reputation & 50 Lord Shaxx Reputation |
| Riven's Chosen | Successfully clear a pathway in Riven's Lair. | 1 Lair Pathway | 1 XP+ & 25 Lord Shaxx Reputation & 50 Lord Shaxx Reputation |
| Shoot Out | Defeat targets with Hand Cannons. Combatants in Onslaught and Guardians are worth more. | 100 [Hand Cannon] Hand Cannon | 1 XP+ & 25 Lord Shaxx Reputation & 50 Lord Shaxx Reputation |
| Fallen Down On The Job | Defeat Fallen. Those defeated in Onslaught are worth more. | 100 Fallen | 1 XP+ & 25 Lord Shaxx Reputation & 50 Lord Shaxx Reputation |
| Name | Description | Requirement | Reward |
|---|---|---|---|
| Will of the People | Complete public events in the Dreaming City. Heroic completions are worth more. | 6 Public events | XP+ & 25 Spirit of Riven Reputation |
| Rapid Lair Defense | Rapidly defeat combatants. Combatants in Riven's Lair or The Coil are worth more. | 60 Rapidly defeated | XP+ & 25 Spirit of Riven Reputation |
| Dragon's Sting | Defeat targets with Bows or Hand Cannons. Combatants in Riven's Lair or The Coil and Guardians are worth more. | 30 [Bow] or [Hand Cannon] defeats | XP+ & 25 Spirit of Riven Reputation |
| Dragonflame | Defeat targets with Solar or Stasis damage. Combatants in Riven's Lair or The Coil and Guardians are worth more. | 30 [Solar] or [Stasis] defeats | XP+ & 25 Spirit of Riven Reputation |
2024.05.19 19:06 DTG_Bot [D2] Daily Reset Thread [2024-05-19]
Daily Modifiers
Vanguard Ops
- Subtle Foes: Certain foes are stealthy when at a distance. They become visible when near a Guardian.
- Increased Vanguard Rank: All Vanguard Rank point gains are increased!
- Solar Surge: 25% bonus to outgoing Solar damage.
- Strand Surge: 25% bonus to outgoing Strand damage.
- Void Threat: 25% increase to incoming Void damage.
- Power Level Disabled: Combatant difficulty is set at a fixed level.
Dares of Eternity
- Avatara's Psyche: Supers recharge more quickly.
- Champion Foes: You will face [Shield-Piercing] Barrier, [Disruption] Overload, and [Stagger] Unstoppable Champions. Visit the Character or Mod Customization screen to view your active anti-Champion perks.
Onslaught: Playlist
- Onslaught Rules: Defend and repair the ADU against waves of combatants. There are 10 waves to a set. ADU: If the ADU is destroyed, the activity ends. Scraps: An in-activity currency. They are earned by scoring and used to purchase and upgrade defenses at the start of every set and after waves 3 and 6. Rewards: Paid out after every set upon defeating the boss wave. Subsequent sets pay out better rewards. Legend increases rewards. Bonus Objectives: Rewards resources, vendor reputation, and armaments.
- Power Level Disabled: Combatant difficulty is set at a fixed level.
- Void Threat: 25% increase to incoming Void damage.
- Solar Surge: 25% bonus to outgoing Solar damage.
- Strand Surge: 25% bonus to outgoing Strand damage.
- Champion Foes: You will face [Shield-Piercing] Barrier, [Disruption] Overload, and [Stagger] Unstoppable Champions. Visit the Character or Mod Customization screen to view your active anti-Champion perks.
Riven's Lair
- Mettle: Power Level: All combatants in this activity will be at least 5 points over the player's current Power level.
- Void Threat: 25% increase to incoming Void damage.
- Iron: Enemies have more health and are not staggered by damage.
- Stasis Surge: 25% bonus to outgoing Stasis damage.
- Solar Surge: 25% bonus to outgoing Solar damage.
The Coil
- The Coil Rules: Successfully complete four pathways inside Riven's Lair. Escalating Difficulty: Player's Power levels are fixed. Starting at 0 each subsequent pathway increases all combatants' Power level over the player's by 5. Wishing Glass: Wishing Glass is an in-activity currency. They drop from combatants, Glass Collectors, and pots. Wishing Glass comes in multiple rarities equating to their worth. Wishing Glass is used to purchase Dragon's Gifts from Riven. Dragon's Gifts: A set of buffs are randomly chosen, once per run. Between pathways, players can purchase buffs from Riven via Wishing Glass. Buffs are separated into three price point tiers. Rewards: After each pathway, players will return to Riven for their rewards. Subsequent pathways pay out better rewards. Breaking through score thresholds unlock secret chests. Finishing The Coil with a platinum score rewards players with access to the lustrous and lucrative Chamber of Wishes.
- Multiplicity: Combatant difficulty scales with fireteam size.
- Limited Revives: Limited fireteam revives. Purchase additional revives from Riven with Wishing Glass. Small chance to drop from destroying pots.
- Full Extinguish: If all your fireteam members fall with 0 Revive Tokens, everyone is returned to orbit.
- Chill Touch: Being hit by a melee attack slows you.
- Galvanized: Combatants have more health and are more difficult to stun.
- The Pathways: Riven's wish magic stirs. The following are the pathways and their order in The Coil: -Divining Hall -First Steps (Temple of the Queen's Wrath) -Sensorium (Reaver's Orison) -First Steps (Cell of the Sycophant)
- Arc Threat: 25% increase to incoming Arc damage.
- Denial: Taken Vandals summon their shields significantly more often.
- Overcharged Shotgun: 25% bonus to Shotgun damage.
- Overcharged Linear Fusion Rifle: 25% bonus to Linear Fusion Rifle damage.
Seasonal
Legend/Master Lost Sector
Exotic armor drop (if solo): HelmetScavenger's Den: Legend
- Legend Difficulty: Locked Equipment, Extra Shields
- Champions: [Shield-Piercing] Barrier, [Disruption] Overload
- Threat: [Solar] Solar
- Shields: [Arc] Arc
- Modifiers: Scorched Earth
Scavenger's Den: Master
- Legend Difficulty: Locked Equipment, Extra Shields
- Champions: [Shield-Piercing] Barrier, [Disruption] Overload
- Threat: [Solar] Solar
- Shields: [Arc] Arc
- Modifiers: Scorched Earth
Misc
- Terminal Overload: Límíng Harbor Weapon: Synchronic Roulette (Submachine Gun)
- The Wellspring: Defend Weapon: Tarnation (Grenade Launcher)
- Altars of Sorrow Weapon: Heretic (Rocket Launcher)
Guns & Materials
Banshee's Featured Weapons
| Name | Type | Column 1 | Column 2 | Column 3 | Column 4 | Masterwork |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Cold Denial | Kinetic Pulse Rifle | Arrowhead Brake // Full Bore | Armor-Piercing Rounds // Ricochet Rounds | Grave Robber | Multikill Clip | Tier 2: Stability |
| Code Duello | Heavy Rocket Launcher | Volatile Launch // Hard Launch | Black Powder // Impact Casing | Auto-Loading Holster | Unrelenting | Tier 2: Blast Radius |
| Vulpecula | Kinetic Hand Cannon | Corkscrew Rifling // Fluted Barrel | Steady Rounds // Flared Magwell | Outlaw | Multikill Clip | Tier 2: Reload Speed |
| Lunulata-4b | Kinetic Combat Bow | Natural String // Polymer String | Carbon Arrow Shaft // Compact Arrow Shaft | Ensemble | Adrenaline Junkie | Tier 4: Target Acquisition |
| Aurvandil FR6 | Kinetic Fusion Rifle | Corkscrew Rifling // Polygonal Rifling | Particle Repeater // Projection Fuse | Hip-Fire Grip | Demolitionist | Tier 2: Stability |
Master Rahool's Material Exchange
- Purchase Glimmer (10000 for 10 Legendary Shards)
- Purchase Glimmer (10000 for 10 Dark Fragment)
- Purchase Glimmer (10000 for 10 Phantasmal Fragment)
- Purchase Glimmer (10000 for 25 Herealways Piece)
- Enhancement Prism (1 for 10 Enhancement Core & 10000 Glimmer)
- Ascendant Shard (1 for 10 Enhancement Prism & 50000 Glimmer)
- Ascendant Alloy (1 for 10 Enhancement Prism & 50000 Glimmer)
Bounties
Commander Zavala, Vanguard| Name | Description | Requirement | Reward |
|---|---|---|---|
| Horseshoes and Hand Grenades | Defeat combatants with grenades. Defeating them in Vanguard playlists grants additional progress. | 20 [Grenade] Grenade | XP+ |
| Rocketing to Prominence | Defeat combatants with Heavy ammo. Rocket Launcher final blows in Vanguard playlists grant additional progress. | 20 [Rocket Launcher] Rocket Launcher | XP+ |
| In Their Face | Defeat combatants with Special ammo. Shotgun final blows in Vanguard playlists grant additional progress. | 20 [Shotgun] Shotgun | XP+ |
| Rapid Combustion | Defeat combatants in Vanguard playlists with Solar abilities. Defeating scorched combatants and detonating ignitions grants additional progress. | 50 [Solar] Solar ability | XP+ |
| Name | Description | Requirement | Reward |
|---|---|---|---|
| Sparring Grounds | Complete matches in any Crucible playlist. | 2 Crucible matches | XP+ |
| Calm Like a Bomb | Defeat opponents with Solar ignition damage. | 1 [Solar] Solar ignition | XP+ |
| Area of Effect | Defeat opponents with grenades. | 1 [Grenade] Grenade | XP+ |
| In the Zone | In Control, capture zones. | 3 Zones | XP+ |
| Name | Description | Requirement | Reward |
|---|---|---|---|
| Orbs of Lit | As a fireteam, defeat opponents using grenade final blows in Trials of Osiris. | 5 [Grenade] Grenade | XP+ |
| Lane Plinker | As a fireteam, defeat opponents using Scout Rifle final blows in Trials of Osiris. | 20 [Scout Rifle] Scout Rifle | XP+ |
| Katake's Retribution | As a fireteam, defeat opponents using Fusion Rifle final blows in Trials of Osiris. | 15 [Fusion Rifle] Fusion Rifle | XP+ |
| Voidswept Precipice | As a fireteam, defeat opponents with Void weapon final blows in Trials of Osiris. | 20 [Void] Void weapon | XP+ |
| Name | Description | Requirement | Reward |
|---|---|---|---|
| Sun Charred | Use Solar abilities to defeat enemies in Gambit. Defeated Guardians are worth extra points. | 15 [Solar] Solar ability | XP+ |
| Envoy While It Lasts | Defeat Primeval envoys during Gambit matches. | 2 Envoys | XP+ |
| Final Ploy | Defeat combatants with finisher final blows. | 5 Finisher | XP+ |
| Like Kindling | Use Solar ignition to defeat targets in Gambit. Defeating Guardians grants more progress. | 10 [Solar] Solar ignition | XP+ |
| Name | Description | Requirement | Reward |
|---|---|---|---|
| Bow Calibration | Calibrate Bows against any target. Earn bonus progress with precision final blows and against opposing Guardians. | 100 [Bow] Bow | XP+ & Enhancement Core & Gunsmith Rank Progress |
| Sidearm Calibration | Calibrate Sidearms against any target. Earn bonus progress against targets at close range and opposing Guardians. | 100 [Sidearm] Sidearm | XP+ & Enhancement Core & Gunsmith Rank Progress |
| Machine Gun Calibration | Calibrate Machine Guns against any target. Earn bonus progress against opposing Guardians and for additional targets defeated without reloading. | 100 [Machine Gun] Machine Gun | XP+ & Enhancement Core & Gunsmith Rank Progress |
| Kinetic Calibration | Calibrate Kinetic weapons against any target. Earn bonus progress with precision and against opposing Guardians. | 100 Kinetic weapon | XP+ & Enhancement Core & Gunsmith Rank Progress |
| Name | Description | Requirement | Reward |
|---|---|---|---|
| Snipers of Myth | In Neomuna, defeat combatants with precision final blows. Vex combatants grant additional progress. | 60 [Headshot] Precision | XP+ & 50 Neomuna Rank |
| Finish Majeure | In Neomuna, defeat combatants with finishers. Powerful combatants grant additional progress. | 10 Finisher | XP+ & 50 Neomuna Rank |
| Energetic Havoc | In Neomuna, defeat combatants with Energy weapons. | 25 Energy weapon | XP+ & 50 Neomuna Rank |
| Terminal Rewards | Open chests after completing Terminal Overload. | 3 Chests opened | 1 Terminal Overload Key & 50 Neomuna Rank & XP+ |
| Name | Description | Requirement | Reward |
|---|---|---|---|
| Onslaught Defender | Deploy and upgrade defenses in Onslaught. | 30 Defenses completed | 1 XP+ & 25 Lord Shaxx Reputation & 50 Lord Shaxx Reputation |
| Riven's Chosen | Successfully clear a pathway in Riven's Lair. | 1 Lair Pathway | 1 XP+ & 25 Lord Shaxx Reputation & 50 Lord Shaxx Reputation |
| Shoot Out | Defeat targets with Hand Cannons. Combatants in Onslaught and Guardians are worth more. | 100 [Hand Cannon] Hand Cannon | 1 XP+ & 25 Lord Shaxx Reputation & 50 Lord Shaxx Reputation |
| Fallen Down On The Job | Defeat Fallen. Those defeated in Onslaught are worth more. | 100 Fallen | 1 XP+ & 25 Lord Shaxx Reputation & 50 Lord Shaxx Reputation |
| Name | Description | Requirement | Reward |
|---|---|---|---|
| Will of the People | Complete public events in the Dreaming City. Heroic completions are worth more. | 6 Public events | XP+ & 25 Spirit of Riven Reputation |
| Rapid Lair Defense | Rapidly defeat combatants. Combatants in Riven's Lair or The Coil are worth more. | 60 Rapidly defeated | XP+ & 25 Spirit of Riven Reputation |
| Dragon's Sting | Defeat targets with Bows or Hand Cannons. Combatants in Riven's Lair or The Coil and Guardians are worth more. | 30 [Bow] or [Hand Cannon] defeats | XP+ & 25 Spirit of Riven Reputation |
| Dragonflame | Defeat targets with Solar or Stasis damage. Combatants in Riven's Lair or The Coil and Guardians are worth more. | 30 [Solar] or [Stasis] defeats | XP+ & 25 Spirit of Riven Reputation |
2024.05.19 19:03 DaisyandBella The little hints spread throughout of Colin’s true character
It’s crazy to me that it’s been said there are not enough moments of indication that Colin’s personality when he returns is a facade. I think the writers did a great job sprinkling in moments throughout the episodes. I don’t really know how they could’ve been anymore clearer. Episode 1 probably has the least amount of moments, but you do get the one lord telling Colin that’s he’s more fun than he was before (playing into his insecurities), but Colin still immediately ditches him to check on Penelope. And there are comments from Anthony and Benedict asking where their brother went as well. I also think bringing back presents for every family member is quite indicative of his inherent kind-hearted nature.
In episode 2, you of course have the infamous brothel scene, and on the surface Colin appears to have enjoyed himself. But I think it’s crucial that a few scenes later you hear in Colin’s own words that he feels disconnected during sex. And he doesn’t understand why because he can acknowledge how beautiful the women are. You get the sweet and playful scene with Penelope where he recounts how they met as children and laments the fact that they didn’t care what society thought about them then and now they must as adults.
Episode 3 is really where everything starts falling apart. That Casanova persona is coming crashing down, and it’s all because of one kiss. Colin is so awkward with his family after the sexy dream. The words he’s saying don’t make much sense. He’s following Penelope around like a lost puppy. There’s the willow tree scene where he can’t express how he feels (a lot of word salad there) and just follows Penelope’s lead about ending the lessons despite so badly wanting her to acknowledge their kiss. The Colin who had a smooth line for every debutant is now at a complete lost for words when staring into Penelope’s eyes (man was about to kiss her if Debling didn’t interrupt). The roles are even reversed, and he becomes the wallflower in the corner watching Penelope dance with Debling.
Episode 4 really drives all of this home. Colin loves Penelope, but does not want to ruin what he thinks is her happiness with Debling. So he tries one last time to resume the facade because that’s all that’s left for him if he is to have a life without Pen, but he just can’t do it. I know some people say they wish he had just left in the second brothel scene, but I think it’s much more satisfying from a storytelling perspective to have him straight up dissociating in that scene. That man was not present in his body. The scene with the other lords is one of my favorites. You get confirmation that Colin never has given them details about his sexual exploits despite being pressured to do so, again showing that he’s not cut out for the life of a rake. You see him lash out at his peers (and himself for associating with such men) for their cavalier behavior which I don’t believe we’ve ever seen any of the other male leads do. Of course he gets laughed at for this, and the only thing left to numb his pain is alcohol. The Colin who stumbles into his bedroom late at night is a very broken and lost man. We get Violet’s speech about how he’s always been one of her most sensitive children and how he’s put on an armor to please others. He remembers the hand cutting scene when he’s contemplating what to do, and I think this is a lovely choice because that was a moment of Penelope providing him the care and tenderness he doesn’t get anywhere else. And then if the audience still somehow didn’t get the point, you have Colin telling Penelope that he was trying to feel less because that is what society expected of him, but she made that impossible. And in that carriage, the true Colin has reemerged. He’s unsure and sweet and attentive to Penelope’s wants and needs. He’s making jokes again. He’s finally free to be himself because Penelope allows him to be without any judgment. I really don’t know how much more the writers could’ve done.
submitted by DaisyandBella to BridgertonNetflix [link] [comments]
In episode 2, you of course have the infamous brothel scene, and on the surface Colin appears to have enjoyed himself. But I think it’s crucial that a few scenes later you hear in Colin’s own words that he feels disconnected during sex. And he doesn’t understand why because he can acknowledge how beautiful the women are. You get the sweet and playful scene with Penelope where he recounts how they met as children and laments the fact that they didn’t care what society thought about them then and now they must as adults.
Episode 3 is really where everything starts falling apart. That Casanova persona is coming crashing down, and it’s all because of one kiss. Colin is so awkward with his family after the sexy dream. The words he’s saying don’t make much sense. He’s following Penelope around like a lost puppy. There’s the willow tree scene where he can’t express how he feels (a lot of word salad there) and just follows Penelope’s lead about ending the lessons despite so badly wanting her to acknowledge their kiss. The Colin who had a smooth line for every debutant is now at a complete lost for words when staring into Penelope’s eyes (man was about to kiss her if Debling didn’t interrupt). The roles are even reversed, and he becomes the wallflower in the corner watching Penelope dance with Debling.
Episode 4 really drives all of this home. Colin loves Penelope, but does not want to ruin what he thinks is her happiness with Debling. So he tries one last time to resume the facade because that’s all that’s left for him if he is to have a life without Pen, but he just can’t do it. I know some people say they wish he had just left in the second brothel scene, but I think it’s much more satisfying from a storytelling perspective to have him straight up dissociating in that scene. That man was not present in his body. The scene with the other lords is one of my favorites. You get confirmation that Colin never has given them details about his sexual exploits despite being pressured to do so, again showing that he’s not cut out for the life of a rake. You see him lash out at his peers (and himself for associating with such men) for their cavalier behavior which I don’t believe we’ve ever seen any of the other male leads do. Of course he gets laughed at for this, and the only thing left to numb his pain is alcohol. The Colin who stumbles into his bedroom late at night is a very broken and lost man. We get Violet’s speech about how he’s always been one of her most sensitive children and how he’s put on an armor to please others. He remembers the hand cutting scene when he’s contemplating what to do, and I think this is a lovely choice because that was a moment of Penelope providing him the care and tenderness he doesn’t get anywhere else. And then if the audience still somehow didn’t get the point, you have Colin telling Penelope that he was trying to feel less because that is what society expected of him, but she made that impossible. And in that carriage, the true Colin has reemerged. He’s unsure and sweet and attentive to Penelope’s wants and needs. He’s making jokes again. He’s finally free to be himself because Penelope allows him to be without any judgment. I really don’t know how much more the writers could’ve done.
2024.05.19 19:02 DepartmentHaha The Unwilling Healer Emil Nilsson
Emil Nilsson - Son of Asclepius
She sighed, clearly she had realized that pretending to be worried about me would be a waste of time. “If you say so, Emmy. Please just try to be nice when you get there, for me?” I would not be doing anything for her anymore. Now that I would not be stuck with her anymore I would be making my own decisions, but I decided to appease her so that she would leave me alone. “I will, for you.”
Emil managed to find his cabin with relative ease, it was one of the many atrocious looking places this camp had to offer. All the beds being reminiscent of hospital beds was just weird, some idiot must have thought that was such an amazing idea.
After checking out his cabin, Emil escapes it and is outside once more. This place clearly was not well maintained, and he was not particularly keen on being here long term, but he would have to make due.
Now sitting on the edge of the lake, he observes the water. The lake was the closest to a pleasant place he could find in a camp like this. Though he still would try to check out the forest and beach eventually.
submitted by DepartmentHaha to CampHalfBloodRP [link] [comments]
| Bio | |
|---|---|
| Name: Emil Nilsson | Birthdate: 11/16/23 |
| Age: 16 | Gender: Cisgender Male (He/Him) |
| Sexual Orientation: Heterosexual | Nationality: American and Swedish |
| Race: Caucasian | Fatal Flaw: Apathy |
| Demigod Conundrums: ADD | Birthplace: Lincoln, Nebraska |
Appearance:
| Faceclaim | Voiceclaim | Height | Hair Color | Eye color | Body type | Clothing |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Mark Anastasio | The Fox from The Fox and The Little Prince | 5'9” | Brown with blond highlights | Varies | Lithe | 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 |
Personality:
Emil has little to no reactions or emotions towards things, he doesn’t express whether he’s excited or distraught about something. He’s indifferent towards almost everything that’s around him, not usually bothering to care about how others feel, which can lead to him being rather blunt and harsh. Emil doesn’t strive to be rude and hate everyone, that’s just how he is. While he lacks compassion, Emil is extremely hard working, and likes to make sure that everything he does is precise and efficient.Traits:
- Positive: Observant, genuine, responsible
- Neutral: Cautious, reserved, pragmatic
- Negative: Cynical, apathetic, arrogant *** #Likes:
- Foods: Cheese Frenchees, Runza, Keoppkaka
- Drinks: Coffee, passion fruit nectar, green tea
- Music: Weezer, The Kinks, Barry Manilow, COIN
- Other: Medical Toxicology, scorpions, platypuses, photography *** #Dislikes:
- Foods: Oatmeal/grits, most fast food, pudding, yogurt
- Drinks: Orange juice, hot chocolate, smoothies, milkshakes
- Music: Classical, country, blues
- Other: Driving, people interrupting conversations, hot weather, change *** #Fears:
- Failure
- Clutter
- Enclosed spaces:
- Being touched *** #Family: Name Relationship Age Description ------------ Cecilia Nilsson Mother 38 Emil tolerates his mother at best, they’ve never been super close. Whenever she’s not busy at her job as a nurse, which isn’t often, she’ll take the time to try and “prepare him for his future” Asclepius Father ??? Emil appreciates that Asclepius at least bothered to give him a gift one time in his life, instead of being a completely awful dad, plus his mom says that he’s nice Bailey Best Friend 3 Emil’s Emperor Scorpion, his mom gifted him her after he had been subtly hinting that he wanted a scorpion for several years *** #Powers Name Type Description ------------ Enhanced Skill Proficiency Domain He’s naturally adept at things that relate to medicine and healing Summon Tool Domain Can summon a small medical tent with first aid supplies Persuasion Proficiency Domain Naturally adept with the skills of persuasion, logic and critical thinking, especially in the realms of argumentation, debate, trade, and haggling. Instant Triage Minor Knows the current physiological state of an individual, including their prevailing injuries and illnesses Soothing Aura Minor Can have an area of effect that makes others feel calm and serene, especially when injured. Serpent Affinity Minor Serpents are naturally friendly to him Deliverer’s Rift Major The user can deliver one or more people up to 1 mile away. Can only be used to transport other people. Doesn’t work through walls *** #Items and Equipment: Name Type Magical Properties (If any) Description ------------ Painkiller Staff Dormant form, flashlight, transforms into staff Made of hardwood, the accents and ends are celestial bronze. Length is 5’7”. A gift from Asclepius Madeline Plushie None A platypus plushie that is weighted, it helps him sleep better at night, since the smell from the dried lavender inside calms him Reading Glasses Eyewear None They help him read things, y’know, since they’re glasses Camera Polaroid Camera None One of his prized possessions, it feels more real to Emil over a phone’s camera *** #Backstory:
REDACTED*** #Now: “I’ll be fine.” From the look on her face, I can tell that she does not believe me. My mother was overly worried about me, though I think she is more worried about me missing school than my well-being.
She sighed, clearly she had realized that pretending to be worried about me would be a waste of time. “If you say so, Emmy. Please just try to be nice when you get there, for me?” I would not be doing anything for her anymore. Now that I would not be stuck with her anymore I would be making my own decisions, but I decided to appease her so that she would leave me alone. “I will, for you.”
After checking out his cabin, Emil escapes it and is outside once more. This place clearly was not well maintained, and he was not particularly keen on being here long term, but he would have to make due.
Now sitting on the edge of the lake, he observes the water. The lake was the closest to a pleasant place he could find in a camp like this. Though he still would try to check out the forest and beach eventually.
2024.05.19 19:02 cryptovechkin $Nitefeeder: Everything is Calculated
 | https://preview.redd.it/j9ed4rlzme1d1.png?width=1502&format=png&auto=webp&s=d8d44a6de6c1ba0cb0c4ed4e3f919bde93d64983 submitted by cryptovechkin to memecoins [link] [comments] Nitefeeder just soared past $2.7m market cap moments ago, clearing significant resistance. It's now nearly tripled in value since my initial post last week. Is it mere coincidence that I posted during BTC's local bottom? How did I anticipate Nitefeeder would storm back? And why does the marketing wallet continue to grow with donations, yet none have been utilized? Everything is Calculated.Reflecting on my journey in crypto over the past nine years, I got rugged many times, endured losses of over $150k. I kept getting frustrated that I wasn't ever "lucky" without ever putting in the requisite effort. I was selfish and thought everything would be handed to me.I was in crypto for all the wrong reasons. So one day I decided to make my personal goal to buy my parents a new house. And that's when it hit me: nothing is given, everything is earned. Witnessing my parents work tirelessly at multiple jobs just to make ends meet reinforced this lesson. Determined never to fall victim to rug pulls again, I devoted myself to learning how to code. I learned technical analysis, how the blockchain worked, how to read etherscan, how to read and write Solidity and gained the ability to anticipate rugs. I wrote my own bots that helped me find alpha before it became mainstream. I learned how to follow the money. Fast forward to today, I bought my parents a home and securing one for my fiancée and me. But none of this came without relentless grind. Every. Single. Day. Consider the people that made millions off memecoins. Did they merely stumble into luck? Sure maybe a small amount did but the majority earned their wealth through rigorous research and hard work. Now back to Nitefeeder: how many memecoins do you see with $105k+ donated to the marketing wallet while the market cap is still under $3m? Do you think our ambitions end here? We're merely scratching the surface, with far greater aspirations in mind. Now, the choice is yours. Will you remain just a passenger on the plane? Or will you want to take control and transform your goals into reality? Nitefeeder has ALL the ingredients to be successful. Spread the word, and you too, will reap the rewards! CA: 0x85f7cfe910393fb5593c65230622aa597e4223f1
|
2024.05.19 19:02 YourInnerFlamingo I recovered from MTD - I want to share my experience
Preface: I'm not a doctor, I'm not a speech therapist, and this is not medical advice. This is just what I've done to overcome my MTD and my opinions.
MTD is a name given to a large number of conditions. The architecture of our vocal instrument is very complex though, and "muscle tension" is not only a very uninformative diagnosis, but even a misdirecting one. I say this because:
The speech therapist gave me exercises and tips, she told me to talk with a confidential voice, she instructed me to keep a correct posture, she instructed me to always use abdominal breathing. She was meaning well, but all this had the effect of adding tension to my tension.
Months went by with no progress. I could speak, but not more than one day at a time. If I spoke one day, my voice would feel destroyed the day after. Speaking would become painful and effortful. Several days of silence would get my voice back almost to a normal state, but a single day of speaking would ruin all the work I'd done.
I was fortunate enough however, that all this happened after I left my job to focus on music (the irony), and so at some point I decided to find a way myself, focus entirely on my voice and get rid of this problem once for all.
My MTD lasted about 6 months. After I practiced what I'm describing in this post it subsided over the span of about 3 weeks.
I want to share my findings with you, but keep in mind that
First, some general principles I followed 1. Don't interfere with you voice outside of your exercises. Don't try to speak the right way. Leave that voice alone. 2. Only unintentional progress is real progress. I don't care about progress that is actually a result of breaking the first rule. So you can finally stop worrying about your voice when you are not exercising. 3. Progress comes after sleep, not while you practice
When you practice things will get frustrating. Your brain registers that frustration and builds new connections while you sleep. Frustration and lack of progress while you practice are a good thing, it means that you are successfully building the input that will be processed while you sleep. Give it two nights of sleep, and results will come.
Ok, so here's what I've done. It's a simple three phases plan where we keep adding stuff:
1. Fix your breathing:
This is the basis. You've heard that before, but if I ask you to do abdominal breathing I'd be asking you to do something intentionally, which breaks principle 1. The other component of the basis is a relaxed attitude, which is a difficult thing to have when you feel betrayed by your body. We need to kill these two birds with a single massive stone.
What follows is a slightly modified version of the zazen meditation technique. I'm aware it can sound boring, but this is really important and I think it's necessary to practice this every day until recovery, without exceptions. Really.
Set a timer for 25 minutes, sit comfortably, close your eyes, and let your body breathe. While you breathe, identify the point at the centre of your body, about 4 inches below your navel. I want you to notice the sensation of breathing in that point. Don't try to change your breath, just notice any sensations there. If there aren't any, just stay vigilant, 'cause there will be.
Keep paying attention to that point, and start counting the breaths 1 to 10. When you get to 10 restart from one. If you lose the count, just restart from one. If you start thinking about dinner and lose contact with the centre of your body, just bring it back into your attention field. Every time you lose attention and bring it back, your mind relaxes a bit. The more you do it, the more your attention naturally settles on the sensation of breathing at the centre of your body.
Don't try to force your attention to stay there. Let it be and bring it back only if you notice it wanders. Also, don't focus super hard, that wouldn't be relaxing at all! Chill and let your attention rest there.
Thoughts will occur. That's ok, in fact, thoughts are part of the process. Let them happen, but keep the sensations at the centre of your body in your field of attention. When you notice that you lost attention, the thought stream will naturally interrupt and your attention will go back to your centre. There is no need for you to forcefully interrupt your thought stream. It'll happen by itself when you remember about your centre.
You may feel deeply relaxed, which is great, just try not to fall asleep.
If you do this consistently, you'll be breathing diaphragmatically without even noticing, which we agreed counts as real progress.
2. Rewiring
After about one week practicing the previous step, I started humming whenever I felt tension building up around my neck, which was normally just after I spoke two sentences. I know it's counterintuitive, but it made sense for me. What we are trying to do here is breaking the association voice emission -> tension, and create a new one voice emission -> relaxation. After all, we all know that our vocal chords are perfectly fine, and those sweet vibrations have a relaxing effect on our muscles. They have it even if you experience MTD, we just don't notice it because the tension created by our condition is greater than that relaxing stimulus.
So now when you feel that tension building up do the following: - Check your upper chest: if it's contracted, let it relax - Bring your attention to the point below the navel, just like you've practiced every day. - Hum at a very low volume, in a similar fashion as humming in yoga practice. Try to identify that relaxation stimulus in your body. Pay attention to the positive sensations. Hum slowly, feel you body relaxing and you breath naturally centering itself lower in your body. - Bonus: play with the resonance of that hum and check if your pleasant sensations change.
If some relaxation comes, great, if it doesn't, that's still fine! Don't get frustrated, remember that progress comes after sleep anyway.
3. Trigger relaxation. After about a week practicing the previous two steps (which you must keep doing) I started working actively on muscle relaxation. The basic idea here is to trigger a chain reaction. All our muscles are connected. As we all learned, unfortunately, one muscle becoming tense leads to all the muscles around becoming tense too. Well, the opposite is also true.
Because we can interact with our tongue much more easily than with other internal muscles, we'll use that to trigger the chain reaction. Follow the instructions on this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OorqNloxITM do it al least twice a day (in the morning and before you go to sleep) and every time you feel you need it. Pay especial attention to step where you let the tongue relax while pulling it.
From now on, stop trying to control your voice or to speak confidentially, or whatever you are doing in fear of hurting yourself. Now it's the time to let all the work express some results, so don't interfere. Do whatever comes naturally. If you naturally want to speak softly do that, if not, don't.
Keep practicing all the three steps for a few weeks and only then check whether this is working for you or not. Unless you feel you are getting hurt by this, abstain from judgement until then, otherwise you'll pay too much attention to your voice and interfere with the process.
I really hope this works for you as well as it did for me. Once again, I'm nobody, I'm not a doctor, I'm not a speech therapist, I just wanted to share this in case it's helpful to somebody, but what you do with your voice is your responsibility.
submitted by YourInnerFlamingo to singing [link] [comments]
MTD is a name given to a large number of conditions. The architecture of our vocal instrument is very complex though, and "muscle tension" is not only a very uninformative diagnosis, but even a misdirecting one. I say this because:
- Most people don't actually know how muscles work, and will create an incorrect mental model of what's going on, which adds tension to tension.
- It encourages a view of our muscles and vocal instrument as an "external object" that is "misbehaving" and that "we need to correct and control", which, needless to say, adds more tension to tension.
The speech therapist gave me exercises and tips, she told me to talk with a confidential voice, she instructed me to keep a correct posture, she instructed me to always use abdominal breathing. She was meaning well, but all this had the effect of adding tension to my tension.
Months went by with no progress. I could speak, but not more than one day at a time. If I spoke one day, my voice would feel destroyed the day after. Speaking would become painful and effortful. Several days of silence would get my voice back almost to a normal state, but a single day of speaking would ruin all the work I'd done.
I was fortunate enough however, that all this happened after I left my job to focus on music (the irony), and so at some point I decided to find a way myself, focus entirely on my voice and get rid of this problem once for all.
My MTD lasted about 6 months. After I practiced what I'm describing in this post it subsided over the span of about 3 weeks.
I want to share my findings with you, but keep in mind that
- I am not a doctor, I'm only sharing my experience. What you do with this is only your responsibility. If you have any doubts please consult with your doctor first.
First, some general principles I followed 1. Don't interfere with you voice outside of your exercises. Don't try to speak the right way. Leave that voice alone. 2. Only unintentional progress is real progress. I don't care about progress that is actually a result of breaking the first rule. So you can finally stop worrying about your voice when you are not exercising. 3. Progress comes after sleep, not while you practice
When you practice things will get frustrating. Your brain registers that frustration and builds new connections while you sleep. Frustration and lack of progress while you practice are a good thing, it means that you are successfully building the input that will be processed while you sleep. Give it two nights of sleep, and results will come.
Ok, so here's what I've done. It's a simple three phases plan where we keep adding stuff:
1. Fix your breathing:
This is the basis. You've heard that before, but if I ask you to do abdominal breathing I'd be asking you to do something intentionally, which breaks principle 1. The other component of the basis is a relaxed attitude, which is a difficult thing to have when you feel betrayed by your body. We need to kill these two birds with a single massive stone.
What follows is a slightly modified version of the zazen meditation technique. I'm aware it can sound boring, but this is really important and I think it's necessary to practice this every day until recovery, without exceptions. Really.
Set a timer for 25 minutes, sit comfortably, close your eyes, and let your body breathe. While you breathe, identify the point at the centre of your body, about 4 inches below your navel. I want you to notice the sensation of breathing in that point. Don't try to change your breath, just notice any sensations there. If there aren't any, just stay vigilant, 'cause there will be.
Keep paying attention to that point, and start counting the breaths 1 to 10. When you get to 10 restart from one. If you lose the count, just restart from one. If you start thinking about dinner and lose contact with the centre of your body, just bring it back into your attention field. Every time you lose attention and bring it back, your mind relaxes a bit. The more you do it, the more your attention naturally settles on the sensation of breathing at the centre of your body.
Don't try to force your attention to stay there. Let it be and bring it back only if you notice it wanders. Also, don't focus super hard, that wouldn't be relaxing at all! Chill and let your attention rest there.
Thoughts will occur. That's ok, in fact, thoughts are part of the process. Let them happen, but keep the sensations at the centre of your body in your field of attention. When you notice that you lost attention, the thought stream will naturally interrupt and your attention will go back to your centre. There is no need for you to forcefully interrupt your thought stream. It'll happen by itself when you remember about your centre.
You may feel deeply relaxed, which is great, just try not to fall asleep.
If you do this consistently, you'll be breathing diaphragmatically without even noticing, which we agreed counts as real progress.
2. Rewiring
After about one week practicing the previous step, I started humming whenever I felt tension building up around my neck, which was normally just after I spoke two sentences. I know it's counterintuitive, but it made sense for me. What we are trying to do here is breaking the association voice emission -> tension, and create a new one voice emission -> relaxation. After all, we all know that our vocal chords are perfectly fine, and those sweet vibrations have a relaxing effect on our muscles. They have it even if you experience MTD, we just don't notice it because the tension created by our condition is greater than that relaxing stimulus.
So now when you feel that tension building up do the following: - Check your upper chest: if it's contracted, let it relax - Bring your attention to the point below the navel, just like you've practiced every day. - Hum at a very low volume, in a similar fashion as humming in yoga practice. Try to identify that relaxation stimulus in your body. Pay attention to the positive sensations. Hum slowly, feel you body relaxing and you breath naturally centering itself lower in your body. - Bonus: play with the resonance of that hum and check if your pleasant sensations change.
If some relaxation comes, great, if it doesn't, that's still fine! Don't get frustrated, remember that progress comes after sleep anyway.
3. Trigger relaxation. After about a week practicing the previous two steps (which you must keep doing) I started working actively on muscle relaxation. The basic idea here is to trigger a chain reaction. All our muscles are connected. As we all learned, unfortunately, one muscle becoming tense leads to all the muscles around becoming tense too. Well, the opposite is also true.
Because we can interact with our tongue much more easily than with other internal muscles, we'll use that to trigger the chain reaction. Follow the instructions on this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OorqNloxITM do it al least twice a day (in the morning and before you go to sleep) and every time you feel you need it. Pay especial attention to step where you let the tongue relax while pulling it.
From now on, stop trying to control your voice or to speak confidentially, or whatever you are doing in fear of hurting yourself. Now it's the time to let all the work express some results, so don't interfere. Do whatever comes naturally. If you naturally want to speak softly do that, if not, don't.
Keep practicing all the three steps for a few weeks and only then check whether this is working for you or not. Unless you feel you are getting hurt by this, abstain from judgement until then, otherwise you'll pay too much attention to your voice and interfere with the process.
I really hope this works for you as well as it did for me. Once again, I'm nobody, I'm not a doctor, I'm not a speech therapist, I just wanted to share this in case it's helpful to somebody, but what you do with your voice is your responsibility.
2024.05.19 19:02 TanosNotFound 1 month post op results
 | diagnosed with snapping ulnar nerve 6 months ago and took the risk of getting a surgery. (subcutaneous transposition) submitted by TanosNotFound to CubitalTunnel [link] [comments] long story short : it went great and all my hand mobility was back 2 days after the plaster was taken off. my grip for doing basic daily work is also back(have not tested weights, will post updates) long story long how : had an injury about 10 months ago while working out on bars tried other methods? : yes several including physiotherapy, naturopathy, allopathy, homeopathy (all these temporarily reduce pain but dont work for long term) surgery : admitted for 2 days, surgery took 1:30 hours on local anesthesia. post surgery : my hand was put into a cast starting from my palm and ending at my bicep. (3 weeks) pain was bearable and i don't understand why so many people called it painful as hell. was on pain killers for these 3 weeks until the plaster is off and now im on anti inflammatories, calcium and nerve medication. numbness and tingling : the original symptoms have completely gone away but feeling numb around a 5 cm radius of the surgery site but thats probably surgical nerve damage which will eventually heal. scarring : there is no scar of the stitches, the scar from the incision is still prominent but has reduced alot since i first saw it. physiotherapy was not recommended to me which is quite the opposite of what i thought . my hand has full mobility after a month but my tricep is still stiff from the plaster. dexterity wise everything is fine and i tested it with typing speed and mobile games and almost similar results hoping to return to my weight training in about 5 months open to questions |
2024.05.19 19:01 beccaannn scared of being schizophrenic
i’ve seen a few posts about this. but i feel like typing it out will make it make more sense. i’ve have depersonalization-derealization disorder for about 10 months, depression, anxiety, and ocd. the ocd isn’t diagnosed like the other things but it’s not hard to figure out if you have it. i am always obsessing over something that’s wrong with me, for 5 months i was convinced i had cancer, and developed symptoms of it. for these last 2 years i was 100% convinced i was having a stroke and the symptoms of it and went to the hospital so many times and the side of my body would go numb. i’m female (20) years old. and these last few months i’ve moved onto schizophrenia. i’m so paranoid. i’m always seeing things in the corner of my eye. i’ll be in bed on my phone and i swear i hear someone say my name. or i’ve heard quiet music. all of this sends me into a panic attack which worsens my dpdr, i know from movies and shows and reading about it that people with schizophrenia think someone is following them, etc. so when a car was parked outside my house of course that thought crossed my mind, and made me feel even worse. i always have to check my back seat before i drive away at night time or i’ll think about it constantly. i know that is probably ocd tho. i’m always telling my friends i’m so scared of developing this and they think im crazy and they say of course i’m not why would my kind happy self ever become schizophrenic. but how do they know? i have so many other issues and i’m so i’m edge i can start to develop any kind of symptom.
submitted by beccaannn to dpdr [link] [comments]
2024.05.19 19:00 HollyJolle25 Water overcharge in lease [landlord] [HI]
This is a two house property but with one meter. There are separate families renting each house.
Can a landlord put into the lease that the water bill is covered up to $150 per month. The tenant will pay 100% of any amount exceeding $150 per month for water. If water bill exceeds $150 per month, the landlord agrees to send copy of official water bill.
Since the bill comes after the first, it would charged for the next month’s rent. What happens if they don’t pay? Can you include daily fees that incur, like you would for missed rent?
Another question, if you already know how much house 1 uses for water, long term renters and have lived there when the house has been vacant. So their average water cost is about ~50 usd. The other house will have the same amount of people living there.
Can I just charge and put into the lease for the new rental house for excessive use? But since it’s on one meter… there wouldn’t be any way to prove who did what and I would like to include it in rental house 1 but plan on doing so at their rental renewal.
So I am thinking since house 2 will also have 2 people, just adding in 50%, so it’s fair. And then amending the house 1 lease at their one year. But can you charge by number of tenants in each unit? Looking online, it seems like there is mixed information on this. Maybe by house sq footage would be better? The one house does have an extra bathroom.
Edit: this is in Hawaii. Water is insanely expensive. We have had issues in the past with renters where they use the house as laundromat… and the water bill being hundreds of dollars because of it. Since then, we have received good renters but want to protect ourselves in case of it happening again
submitted by HollyJolle25 to Landlord [link] [comments]
Can a landlord put into the lease that the water bill is covered up to $150 per month. The tenant will pay 100% of any amount exceeding $150 per month for water. If water bill exceeds $150 per month, the landlord agrees to send copy of official water bill.
Since the bill comes after the first, it would charged for the next month’s rent. What happens if they don’t pay? Can you include daily fees that incur, like you would for missed rent?
Another question, if you already know how much house 1 uses for water, long term renters and have lived there when the house has been vacant. So their average water cost is about ~50 usd. The other house will have the same amount of people living there.
Can I just charge and put into the lease for the new rental house for excessive use? But since it’s on one meter… there wouldn’t be any way to prove who did what and I would like to include it in rental house 1 but plan on doing so at their rental renewal.
So I am thinking since house 2 will also have 2 people, just adding in 50%, so it’s fair. And then amending the house 1 lease at their one year. But can you charge by number of tenants in each unit? Looking online, it seems like there is mixed information on this. Maybe by house sq footage would be better? The one house does have an extra bathroom.
Edit: this is in Hawaii. Water is insanely expensive. We have had issues in the past with renters where they use the house as laundromat… and the water bill being hundreds of dollars because of it. Since then, we have received good renters but want to protect ourselves in case of it happening again
2024.05.19 18:59 Codeinehaze No receipt from photographer
Hey all, I'm getting married in 2025 and have been trying to get as much planned and booked in as i can so it doesn't turn into a whole years worth of hardcore planning.
I managed to find a photographer with great reviews and great pictures for well below £1000 for the full day basically half.
They're an independent photographer and did a post about how they knew times were hard and wanted to help out couples so for their remaining 24+25 dates they were doing a really good deal. The deal went further and stated if half the price was paid upfront the couple would get a free hardback photo album too.
I spoke to them via email and FB and after some chats I decided to put the deposit down. They then messaged and said if i can pay half now then they'd throw in a free hardback wedding book(same as their FB post) So I paid half.
They emailed over an invoice/receipt and contract and all was good.
After about 2-3 weeks I got another Facebook message saying if i could pay the rest off then they could add in a second photographer for the day for no extra, again I said yes as I had the money waiting to pay anyway and paid.
This was a little over a week and a half ago. I emailed last Sunday to ask for a receipt to show full payment with no response and I've emailed again this morning to ask for the same.
Basically, am i stressing a bit too much? It's only been a week+ that i paid and the wedding is a year away and this person has really good reviews... I'm just a bit tetchy i guess!
submitted by Codeinehaze to weddingplanning [link] [comments]
I managed to find a photographer with great reviews and great pictures for well below £1000 for the full day basically half.
They're an independent photographer and did a post about how they knew times were hard and wanted to help out couples so for their remaining 24+25 dates they were doing a really good deal. The deal went further and stated if half the price was paid upfront the couple would get a free hardback photo album too.
I spoke to them via email and FB and after some chats I decided to put the deposit down. They then messaged and said if i can pay half now then they'd throw in a free hardback wedding book(same as their FB post) So I paid half.
They emailed over an invoice/receipt and contract and all was good.
After about 2-3 weeks I got another Facebook message saying if i could pay the rest off then they could add in a second photographer for the day for no extra, again I said yes as I had the money waiting to pay anyway and paid.
This was a little over a week and a half ago. I emailed last Sunday to ask for a receipt to show full payment with no response and I've emailed again this morning to ask for the same.
Basically, am i stressing a bit too much? It's only been a week+ that i paid and the wedding is a year away and this person has really good reviews... I'm just a bit tetchy i guess!
2024.05.19 18:59 beccaannn scared of being schizophrenic
i’ve seen a few posts about this. but i feel like typing it out will make it make more sense. i’ve have depersonalization-derealization disorder for about 10 months, depression, anxiety, and ocd. the ocd isn’t diagnosed like the other things but it’s not hard to figure out if you have it. i am always obsessing over something that’s wrong with me, for 5 months i was convinced i had cancer, and developed symptoms of it. for these last 2 years i was 100% convinced i was having a stroke and the symptoms of it and went to the hospital so many times and the side of my body would go numb. i’m female (20) years old. and these last few months i’ve moved onto schizophrenia. i’m so paranoid. i’m always seeing things in the corner of my eye. i’ll be in bed on my phone and i swear i hear someone say my name. or i’ve heard quiet music. all of this sends me into a panic attack which worsens my dpdr, i know from movies and shows and reading about it that people with schizophrenia think someone is following them, etc. so when a car was parked outside my house of course that thought crossed my mind, and made me feel even worse. i always have to check my back seat before i drive away at night time or i’ll think about it constantly. i know that is probably ocd tho. i’m always telling my friends i’m so scared of developing this and they think im crazy and they say of course i’m not why would my kind happy self ever become schizophrenic. but how do they know? i have so many other issues and i’m so i’m edge i can start to develop any kind of symptom.
submitted by beccaannn to Anxiety [link] [comments]
2024.05.19 18:58 thatonegirl1884 “Sun protectant…..right!?”🙈
 | Why would anyone in their right mind buy this based off your review alone? You haven’t even used it yet!! So much to unpack in barely ten seconds. submitted by thatonegirl1884 to Drueandgabe [link] [comments] 1– girl you think that tiny ass clasp is for a DIAPER BAG? At least read the manual. Even without seeing it up close I’d bet it’s for the roll up shade or to extend the back cover. It’s a clasp. It’s joining another clasp end. It’s not going to hold a heavy ass diaper bag. Terrible salesman. 2– “looks exactly like our other stroller which was so expensive” sooooo why’d you buy it? Your super $$ stroller converts into this exact stroller shape, but of course you didn’t read the instructions on that one either. You thought it came with a damn bassinet for overnight sleep. 3– Neither of you understand SPF/UPF coverage? It’s like you don’t know how to read. Research it! You’re becoming parents!! Gabe could benefit from learning about UVA/UVB rays with his purple skin, and Grue has been sunburned multiple times while pregnant. This poor baby is going to have zero sun protection. She’s going to put little cutesie sleeveless outfits on and try to make her wear sunglasses and a big floppy hat for pictures and just call it a day. Sorry Blanca, we’re trying boo-boo. 4– Cupholder 👍🏼 got it. No one needed an extra video on the cup holder alone. What about the important stuff like brakes or secure seatbelt or good wheels, etc. Nope! We need a good cup holder for our 835 daily drinks. (Little does she know you can just buy a dang cup holder for your car seat) but THAT was the selling point? |
2024.05.19 18:58 beccaannn i’m scared
i’ve seen a few posts about this. but i feel like typing it out will make it make more sense. i’ve have depersonalization-derealization disorder for about 10 months, depression, anxiety, and ocd. the ocd isn’t diagnosed like the other things but it’s not hard to figure out if you have it. i am always obsessing over something that’s wrong with me, for 5 months i was convinced i had cancer, and developed symptoms of it. for these last 2 years i was 100% convinced i was having a stroke and the symptoms of it and went to the hospital so many times and the side of my body would go numb. i’m female (20) years old. and these last few months i’ve moved onto schizophrenia. i’m so paranoid. i’m always seeing things in the corner of my eye. i’ll be in bed on my phone and i swear i hear someone say my name. or i’ve heard quiet music. all of this sends me into a panic attack which worsens my dpdr, i know from movies and shows and reading about it that people with schizophrenia think someone is following them, etc. so when a car was parked outside my house of course that thought crossed my mind, and made me feel even worse. i always have to check my back seat before i drive away at night time or i’ll think about it constantly. i know that is probably ocd tho. i’m always telling my friends i’m so scared of developing this and they think im crazy and they say of course i’m not why would my kind happy self ever become schizophrenic. but how do they know? i have so many other issues and i’m so i’m edge i can start to develop any kind of symptom.
submitted by beccaannn to schizophrenia [link] [comments]