There is SO much through those horrible 11 years. But the last 2.5 have truly been the hardest, mostly because I am just EXHAUSTED to the point....I don't even usually bother fighting against a single thing/become comfortable as the door matt.
What did me in, is he owes my grandmother $3k for HIS HALF of unpaid debt to her. They are currently (under my dumb stupid blessing) are letting him rent what is my family's home they are leaving to me when they die for a whooping $600 a month. S I X HUNDRED. 3br 1bth huge fenced back and front yard. 3 porches. Huge attached garage. $600.......
He knew it was only a 6 month agreement. And that either I would be retaking my home, or the rent would be raised to $1000, as i would be taking $600 of it monthly and planned to use it towards a rental of my own. (My family and i truly helped him willingly, so he at least had 6 months to get on his feet.) I on the other hand, was fortunate enough to have my recently divorced bff of 25 years with an open room in her home, badabingbadaboom.
Truthfully, I was basically forced out of my house before I had a say. It wasn't my first choice to leave every bit if furniture/my daughter's bedroom set/ect...THAT I ALONE have purchased throughout the years, to my floppy meatsuit of an ex manchild who's idea of "hard labor" is mowing a lawn..but it was my ONLY choice. (That's another story for another day, lol. This one's long enough)
Anyways the 6 months is up, and it had come time to go forward with what was already previously understood as to happen...I should have seen it coming, given that he suddenly started to attempt far more communication (our child being his perfect excuse to disguise what was really going on....
.....and then THIS MF-ER...MAN.... My grandmother tells me on my way out after stopping by for breakfast, that my ex had told her unless they lower the rent for him, he won't pay the 3k debt from TWO years ago now (he promised as soon as he got his tax return, he would pay it) but now he'd need it to find another rental property......this 33 year old man....telling this to My sweet and kind grandmother, who is the a matriarch to my family mind you, she has basically RAISED this 33 year old brat since his infanthood (since he was 22 years old!). ~His parents were 2.5 hours away, his dad is an attorney in some podunk hillbilly town, and his mom is all the worst parts of the gossipy church women put together. They only cared about his younger sister and her two children, lol. So.~
I was floored. I told her something along the lines of "uhhhh I'm pretty sure that's a form of extortion????"
Anyways. I slept on it, and woke up to choosing violence. By violence, I mean I messaged the only thing I knew he "CARED" about, at least for now, until there's nothing for him to gain. I just wanted to make sure he knew where i stood really, and how careful he should tread with me now after hearing that.
...this girl was the other former bff of MY bff. She HATED me for at least a decade. "Frienmies" if yiu will. I had been told SEVERAL times around 6 years ago (ish) that she told our mutual bestie how she was going to "fuck my boyfriend, and get him to leave me. That he was her dream guy" LOFL ...and had witnessed/heard her myself FLIRT with him heavy and totally disrespectfully in front of me. Up until the day they boinked in secret, this girl followed all my social accounts religiously for allll these years....
You can imagine, I had some STUFF I was dying to let out, but I will say, I refrained from being an absolute c-word. I basically in the most passive aggressive tone, EXPOSED what my exs current game was with my family home and the mistreatment of my grandparents.
I told her to ask about his stomach illness he faked so well, had me so SO sympathetic towards him that I asked if he would just instead making basically double pay for the summer months (school district employee) and not taking off....to take off, an I would just work ot graves or whatever extra I could/did...and then how the DAY BEFORE our child started 1st grade, he pulled the rug out from under by creating a literally pointless 4 hours screaming match.....and leaving me, the house, the dogs, and the bills high and dry. No tummy ache to ever come about again...
Or how he had a disguised app with nudes and texts from women he cheated on me with or had fucked when we were in a slump/split. And how she's also in it.
And to ask the father of the year what his 7 year olds doctors name was...we used her since the 2day infant visit lol.
Or to ask him who's been the provider for our child's education since 3 years of age. Her insurance. Dental. Ect. (Hint: it's not him).
I asked her to ask him why he told me that she "owned her own home and was so independent and worked so hard to be where she is now" as a means to rub salt in my wounds while he forced me out if my/OUR old home in the worst mental depression I'd ever dealt with.....when that is not true because she cheated on her husband with multiple men while he was deployed and lost her Marital home in divorce. She lives with her parents and two younger brothers.
Why he was still.texting me and sending me his unsolicited or answered selfies to me.
I wrapped it up with my point of the information being that for my exs sake, I pleaded she encouraged him to don"the right thing".
I mean....I knew he was putting on a dog and pony show for her from day 1. He's a fraud, I learned that over and over. He will lie/manipulative/step on whatever and whoever without a care in the world, all while making whoever they choose to feel as if they're to blame if any sort of conflicts or grievance against them rose.
So I knew in my exes false reality he was painting for this chick was no doubt of how amazing a father he is, and how shitty of a parent and person I am in turn....
side note: ffs he even lowered his own vocal tone forcefully when j met him 11 yrs ago to disguise his godawful nasal screach
WITHIN 10 DAYS. NOT EVEN 2 WEEKS Of me sending her all this...
First text - him asking for our childs doctor's information for the first time in 5 years. Evidently they had a sore throat in the middle of the night. (Mmmmok)
4 days later - he is asking if we could discuss getting her needed dental work finished up as we've put it off for a while (he literally never cared the first phase lol)
That same day - he is pandering sympathy and attention because he's suddenly having stomach attacks again and he's got a colonoscopy scheduled and blahblahblahhhhhh.
I mean....literally the list of the shit I exposed directly goes on and on.....and he made sure to cover up each one down the line. Like. If that isn't "master manipulation".....what is? There has got to be a word for this oh so insanely predictable behavior lol.
Certainly. I'd hope the chick truly SEES what is happening? That the dude is literally whether subconsciously/uncontrollably covering up his actions because he knows deep down, what was done was wrong all around...or just creating and perfecting his own stage right before our eyes? Lol RIGHT?!
I just have to laugh at it all now. It's just a RL sitcom of disaster at this point. 😑

i’m not really sure where else i could’ve posted this, i don’t want my personal friends or peers knowing since i go to a different school. in september of 2022, when i was 14, less than a month of me starting freshman year, i got in a fight with a girl that i’ve had problems with since 8th grade, lets call her lily. i had a bestfriend who i spent everyday with, inside and outside of school, lets call her jessica. everyone knew i was friends with jessica because we were ALWAYS with each other. on september 20th, we had heard rumors that lily was being homophobic towards jessica, jessica is a very masc lesbian, she had a masculine haircut, wore masculine clothes, and acted masculine. jessica was my bestfriend, and i thought that was un expectable. throughout the day people kept telling us to fight lily, me and jessica started considering it more and more throughout the day, eventually, after lunch. me and lily had a screaming match, we were in the lunch room and we were both on the opposite sides of a lunch table. people were surrounding us, had their phones out ready to record. security came and escorted us both to class to ensure nothing would happen. i told my mom about this and she said to do what i have to do. i wasnt fighting for a dumb reason, i was defending my friend. after school we were in the hall, another screaming match. over 30 people were surrounding us, my friends and lilys friends, and some random people. her boy bestfriend got in my face, lets call him timothy. ’m 5’0 and 93 pounds now, around that time i was probably 4’11 and about 100. he was probably 5’9 to 5’10 and over 200 pounds, and he worked out. he looked down at me and pointed in my face, he said “if you swing on her i swing on you” i thought he was bluffing to scare me. i’ve never fought before and i was ready to go for her hair but her hair was in her hood and her hood was tied. so i did the only thing i could think of and grabbed the back of her hoodie, instantly he grabbed my shoulders and jessica went to fight her, they made it farther down the hall, we made it just past the doorway of the hall, at full force he pushes me into the wall, about 5 times until i finally fall to the ground, i was scared, everything hurt, so when i fell i didnt try to get back up, my boy bestfriend, lets call him jim, when i was on the ground, jim ran up and pulled timothy away, and the more i think, the more i know that if jim didnt pull him off of me, he never would’ve stopped. i ran to the nearest empty hallway and just cried, jim ran right after me and put his arm around me, we all got escorted to the office, and me and jim talked to the assistant principal together, we were told that fighting is not apart of this school and it ruins their reputation. and we would both get a fine for what we did. that was it, thats all he said to us. it was probably 40 minutes after school by this point, my phone was dead and jim offered me a ride home, i said thank you but i declined, it was only about a 10 minute walk from my school to my house. i limped and cried the whole way home, my body hurt so bad and i was just in shock, my mom was in the backyard smoking a cigarette, she started yelling at me when i opened the gate saying none of her texts were going through and its way after school. i sat down and bawled my eyes out and explained everything. she called the cops and they said they’d immediately get the camera footage from the school, within ten minutes they called my mom back and said “we can see he clearly pushed her, but theres nothing we can do because she hit her first” meaning i hit lily first. my mom was livid, the school nor the cops did anything, that day of the fight was my last day at that school. people were harassing me, his friends, his family. saying since he didnt punch me that it didnt count. or people were saying “equal rights equal fights” and, “he turned into a girl for this” or just straight up said i was lying about it all. lily and timothy got one day of in school suspension. i have a life long fear of pissing off guys at school, even if its just a disagreement i get scared for my life. i never went to therapy for it, it stays unspoken in my house since the day it happened. sometimes i think i’m not a true victim because he just pushed me, i had a bruise that covered my entire knee, a bruise in between my legs when i fell to the ground, and a limp for a month where it hurt everyday to walk. i want to get justice, but everyone around me made it seem like i didnt deserve justice at all. someone please tell me what to do. the whole reason why i thought about this was because of a dumb dm encounter i had with a guy, he goes to a school near where the fight happened, he followed me on instagram and i dmed him saying he was handsome,immediately after saying thanks he said he knew me through the fight video that’s still up. this was less than a month into freshman year, and in four days i’m done with my sophomore year, this pain never went away, i just shoved it down, and knowing thats how some people know me, makes everything i went through come back. i was 14 at the time, i’m 16 now.

Hi everyone,
Posting as a student here.
I have been home schooled (online) for the past year and essentially given the power to pick who I wanted for my teachers by my parents. I have been having the weirdest experiences and looking for support or explanations?
Here is a list:
• teachers getting angry at me for not being able to answer a problem and telling me “I never had a tutor” angrily
• booking lessons with me through the agency then not turning up. Pretending they booked the wrong time, telling me what the right time is, again not turning up. I have been there the whole time waiting for them. Don’t offer new times. This specific tutor is only available at 9am on Sundays for an hour and has now told the agency they ‘are not around for the next two weeks’ even though they know my exam is in 3 weeks and we have missed each other for the last 4 weeks. The week after they did not turn up, they turn up, start to test me on a topic as if we are in an exam, then get angry at me for not knowing it perfectly off by heart? They were like “have you read it”, “yes, I have studied this module”, “no, you may have studied it but you do not know it. There is no point unless you know it” then they made us reschedule for the next week now have disappeared? How am I supposed to know to do homework if they don’t let me know in advance? And they are only free on a Sunday at 9am which is a bad time for me because my dad works night shifts. I told them about my dad and they just completely ghosted the message making me feel unimportant to them. Also, the tutor doesn’t have perfect grades of his own, and keeps making reference to ‘boffins’ who get the good marks… and I told him I was in the middle of other exams and he acted completely surprised and disappointed I have other subjects to sit exams for. As if all I am doing with my life is meeting him on a Sunday morning at 9am.
• one private tutor completely forgot who I was. When starting each class, they would tell me to remind them which topic we were on because they could not remember, at one point this teacher got angry at me for politely asking them (with notice) if we could please start 15 minutes later so I could go to the toilet and have some water because I was coming out of a two hour lesson (never said I wouldn’t be fine to finish 15 minutes earlier if they had another lesson), telling me off and saying they are going to charge me for the whole thing rudely when I said I wouldn’t come to the lesson if they were going to treat me badly. This was our first lesson after they basically disappeared because they ‘had migraines’ and then forgot to arrange a lesson for two months, ignoring my texts. I had to call the agency and get them to make them book a lesson (this is all halfway through our module). Before the started avoiding lessons because of migraines, they had spent lesson time confiding in me that they were suffering from a bereavement of someone’s sibling (that they didn’t actually know). I felt really uncomfortable with this the whole time but was supportive.
• tutor telling me “you want to take a break now” and making me wait in a “break” for 30 minutes, then charging me for those 30 minutes even though I did not need a break? Later found out what he was teaching me was completely awful and way, way too basic - I would have gotten a D if I followed his advice.
• tutor refusing to teach me the topic I asked them to teach (part of the curriculum and a topic they previously said they would be happy to teach - they brought it up not me, so I later asked if they meant that and if so, that I would be interested to cover it soon), but suddenly trying to pressure me to instead pay them for internship ‘application review’ services I did not ask for help with.
All the above happened with lessons scheduled through a tutoring agency. The tutors knew I could raise concerns with the agency, and yet still acted this way. To disclose, I am a straight A student and work hard. I have high standards for my lessons. I depend on these lessons because outside of them, I do not have a great social life. So I am deeply focused on my studies. I am respectful with their time and always accommodate to their preferred time. I am always in lessons on time and switched on, and complete tasks around lessons if they are set. Most often, I have to actively ask for homework to be set (I do not ask for it to be marked, as I know that takes time). If it is marked, I compensate them per hour taken. I feel scammed. I have been waiting for two weeks now anxiously for a message from the tutor in the second bullet, who is supposed to be supporting me as a practice partner for an oral exam I have soon, and is not replying to my polite messages asking if he can please send me what the plan is. What gives?

WAR
A few days later my phone buzz-chirped. I opened my messages to find several pics of Dennis' Jeep, a blurry mess of lights, and a final shot of Dennis leaning back in the driver's seat with his eyes closed and his junk out and at attention. And there was a caption.
"Consider us EVEN."
I saw red. The possibility of finding peaceful contentment with Whisky was a distant memory. A figment of my imagination. I wanted blood. I wanted to slap Mary's fat fucking face senseless. I wanted to rat her out to Chuck. I was livid. Angry heat spread from my sternum to my shoulders, and the sharp sting of wrath radiated through my being. I rang Mary.
Mary: How does it feel, bitch?
I couldn't make words. I was shaking. My head was spinning. All I could muster was a meek little, "Why???"
Mary: You owed me.
Me: Mary, I'm not screwing Whiskers. And how did you even FIND Dennis? Do you even LIKE him?
Mary: Totes! He's soooooo cute! We banged it out five or six times in his car, and then he told me to lie down in the parking lot. And then he pissed all over my titties! It was soooo hot!
Me: I don't believe you. Dennis is into some pervy-ass shit. But not piss.
Mary: Well, he told me you were too vanilla to do anything fun.
Me: YEAH. I didn't wanna get butt-blasted without a rubber by a guy who couldn't even be bothered to show up when we had plans. That's not being vanilla. That's having self-respect.
Mary: Guys don't like girls who make a big deal about self-respect. It's a major turn-off. That's why I get so much more boom-boom than you do. Hey! Now that we're done fighting, you can pick me up and take me out for sushi! I'll teach you how to make men happy and then you'll owe me dinner. I obviously pleased Dennis when you couldn't.
Words failed me yet again. I shouted a much, much filthier version of, "GO SCREW," hung up on her, put on my sneakers, and ran aimlessly through my neighborhood until I almost collapsed. Once I trudged back home, I smoked a shit-ton of cigarettes and drank a shit-ton of vodka (for me, which was like... three shots) and really did collapse.
Up to this point, I felt like I had been patient with Mary. More patient than she deserved. I probably hadn’t done her any favors by allowing her to behave like a fucking maniac while I did nothing more than gently suggesting alternative behaviors. I still wanted to have faith in her ability to grow (emotionally). But all of that came crashing down. For some reason, my formerly improved sense of self-respect crashed as well...
I texted Whisky, planned to meet him at his townhouse, and successfully banged him. It was absolutely a hate bang even though I didn't hate Whisky at all (yet). I'd never engaged in hate-fueled intimacy before. I didn't realize those two states could co-exist like that. As reluctant as I am to admit it, it was cathartic. And it was also admittedly unfair to Whisky because he had no idea what was happening. I had just used him to make myself feel marginally better about a guy I guess I still had some kind of feelings for.
In case I've been unclear, I'm fully acknowledging that my actions were immature, inconsiderate, and indefensible. Don't bang somebody just because you're mad at somebody else, kids. Nobody wins. Well, it might feel like winning for a short time. It's NOT. It's bad behavior. And I absolutely hold myself accountable. Did I deserve to get verbally abused by the psycho neckbeard lurking behind the mask of the man I’d just hate-banged? No. Unequivocally, NO. But would Whisky have been well within his rights to dump me in a spectacular fashion if he’d realized what I was doing in that moment? Abso-freakin-lutely. Hell, I would have totally deserved it if he’d booted me out of his house butt-naked and screamed insults from the window. An isolated hurling of insults is not the same thing as chronic verbal maltreatment within the context of a relationship. But that's a serious topic that feels out of place in this story.
So instead of calling me on my crap and giving my butt the boot, Whisky remained oblivious to what was going on in my misguided mind and took the hate bang to mean that our relationship had just gone to the next level. And he became even sweeter and more affectionate towards me. This made my skin crawl because all my feelings for Dennis (both good and bad) had just come flooding back with a vengeance. I had no idea what to do with them. Part of me wanted Dennis to hug me and apologize. Part of me wanted to punch him in the dick. Part of me wanted Whisky to hug me and assure me that I had value as a human being even if some Golden God hadn’t chosen me to be his partner. And then part of me wanted to snap at Whisky every time he touched me. "You're NOT the one I want, Asshat!!!!!!!"
But the truth was... I didn't really want Dennis anymore. I mean... I wanted him in theory, but I didn't want the real version. He was a flake. He was nasty. I couldn't wrap my head around his inconsistent, albeit devout, spiritual beliefs. He was indeed a braggadocious butthead. I suspected that he wasn't even a very nice person beneath his affable veneer. Even so, I was irrationally irate with Mary for deliberately stalking him and seducing him. Did she really think that would make me look at my relationship with Whisky differently? I hadn't stalked him. I hadn't even pursued him. In fact, I'd rejected him several times (albeit not out of respect for Mary). How are these two situations alike??? What am I failing to see here??? Maybe I was the villain. I certainly wasn't innocent. But neither was Mary.
I mean... Mary was friggin’ MARRIED. And she'd been going around blabbing indelicately about all her supremely nasty boom-boom (whether real or fabricated) with Whiskers, Scumbanger, Tech Guy, Artistic Director, and the Hoggs. How the living, breathing, God-forsaken FUCK had she decided that she was entitled to sexy time with my (former?) crush just because I was dating ONE of the innumerable guys she’d stalked once upon a time???? Gaaaahhhhhhhhh!
And then it got even worse. Dennis was almost finished with his graduate program and was planning to move to New York that summer, while I still had another two years to go (counting the internship). But we both worked in the Neuropharmacology Lab that semester, so I still had to see him every week. Even though nothing had happened between us in a long, long time, I never knew if Dennis was going acknowledge my presence or look right through me. The power of invisibility isn't all it's cracked up ti be. But the next time I saw him, following the Mary tryst, he very deliberately approached me and said in an almost apologetic tone, "Val? Can we please talk after lab?" I nodded.
He asked me to get in his car, but I couldn't stand the thought of sitting in the ghost of Mary's snail trail. I insisted that we sit in my car, and he didn't protest. The familiar scent of mandarins and mountain air wafted through my Prius as I steeled myself for a confrontation.
Dennis: I think your friend stalked me...
Me: The crazy bitch with the big boobs?
Dennis: Yeah... She messaged me on Facebook and she was talking like you'd told her about me and thought we should hang out. I said we should call you and invite you to come along, but she said you had a boyfriend. Do you have a boyfriend?
Me: I'm dating someone. But what does it matter?
Dennis: Oh. I guess it doesn't. Anyway, I met her at this 24-hour diner. She drank like... ten beers even though I told her I don't drink. She kept talking about her cat or something...
Me: Whiskers?
Dennis: Yeah.
Me: That's a guy. She used to have a thing for him.
Dennis: That’s a guy’s name??? Weird. Well, anyway... She got all sloppy and literally started doing mouth stuff to me under the table.
My stomach turned and my blood boiled. "I don't need to hear that. She already told me all about your night. She sent me pictures of your dick and she told me how you peed on her in the parking lot."
Dennis: She said I WHAT??? Babe! Er. Um. Val! I would never do that.
I gave him a skeptical stare.
Dennis: Hand to God! I didn't pee on her. But, wait... She took pictures of my stuff???
I took out my phone and showed him the pic. Dennis blushed ferociously and looked away. Finally, he said quietly, "I'm so ashamed of myself."
I sighed. "You're always ashamed of yourself. That's why I stopped fooling around with you. It felt like you were ashamed of me, too."
Dennis: Babe! No. I just have to get right with God.
Me: Well, have you talked to God about Mary?
Dennis: I'm not ready for that one yet. I feel dirty. Like... dirtier than usual.
Me: Well, now I feel kind of guilty. She's mad at me because I'm dating a guy she used to have a crush on. She went after you because she knew I used to have a crush on you.
Dennis: You had a crush on me??? For real?
At first, I scoffed (thinking he was being sarcastic). Then I looked at his wide eyes and realized that he might have actually been that clueless.
Me: Yes, Dennis. I massively had a crush on you. You knew that. But I was apparently too vanilla for you, according to Mary.
Dennis: What??? Babe! I never said you were vanilla. I said you were classier than her.
Me: Well... Thank you? If that really is what you said to her, I appreciate that.
Dennis (striking his version of a smoldering pose): So. Uh... You still have a crush on me?
Me: I think I'll always wonder what could have been if we were each just... slightly different people. But I had to move on. I knew you didn't like me in that way, and it wasn't fair to either of us.
Dennis: Well, for what it's worth, I wish it had been your mouth the other night.
I finally smiled a little bit. I wished the same thing. But I didn't say that out loud.

Oddly enough, having that somewhat respectful, somewhat reassuring conversation with Dennis quelled my anger at Mary... a little. Don't get me wrong; I was still pissed and I never let her get close to me again after that. But I also never made a big, dramatic show of telling her off. In my mind, that would have invited more unnecessary drama. By tacitly distancing myself and henceforth keeping her at arm's length, she wasn't able to freak out over anything and I was able to keep her out of my business.
Years and years later, even now that Mary is a functional person with a healthy BMI, and much better manners (most of the time), she is still wont to bring up her tryst with Dennis. While I genuinely applaud her for putting in the work and making some sensible changes, I'll never be super buddy-buddy with her again. The fact that she still throws Dennis in my face to this very day makes me suspect that there remains a touch of cray in her gray matter.
And where Whisky was concerned, I had finally felt some sense of closure with Dennis after the aforementioned talk. So I leaned into a new relationship. And it was fine at first. Not super hot, but also not super weird. Having learned from my disgusting mistake, I know that I tend to get tempted to speculate about incredibly offensive crap regarding Funky Whisky whenever his behavior is unremarkable and not in keeping with the delightfully repulsive tone that this audience tends to enjoy. So I'll end this chapter here. In the next proper installment, I'll finally shed some light on The Goblinization. But before I wrap things up, I need to write a one-off about The Pie Guy and bring back some classic cringe!

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/Ok_Outcome3739. She posted in AITAH

Do not comment on Original Posts. See rule 7. Also, this sub has a 7 day waiting period. Ergo, the newest update is 7 days old.

Mood Spoiler: OOP gets answers
Original Post: May 11, 2024
I 29F have a 5F with my ex 32M. We were engaged but never really planned to have kids before marriage or at least for the next few years. I was on the pill and he used protection sometimes but I ended up pregnant. Since it was unplanned. Abortion was on the table. He was more into making it work so both of us decided to keep the baby. I wasn't emotionally prepared but for him love is all it takes to make everything work. Fast forward 6 months he started to change. He would give me the silent treatment if I do something wrong. He wouldn't engage in any conversation about the baby and would just yell at me if I ask what's wrong. I was almost 8 months pregnant when he told me he's just not ready to be a father and can't do both things. It's either fatherhood or his career. I was scared to be a single mother so I told him it's fine I can take care of our baby and be a SAHM until things get better for him, but he refused and made it clear everything is over. Since the house was his I left and went to live with my mom until I found myself a place.
I gave birth to my baby girl and he never came to see her. His mother and sister were there for me and to this day they're still part of my daughter's life. As for him he gave up his parental rights and granted me full custody (legally) but was willing to contribute financially through child support (He voluntarily provides financial support in an amicable arrangement). I'm not proud of it but there are nights I called him just to ask him why did he do that to us. I wasn't even ready but seeing him happy and excited made me think we could make it work together. He never really answered my calls. We used to communicate through his mother or sister or email. I love my baby and won't ever see her as a mistake. I'm still doing my best to be the best mother she deserves. I have a good paying job now and everything is better than before.
Now here's the thing. After 5 years and when I finally feel my life got better and figured out my shit, he wants to get involved. He's been calling and texting me for a week now. He doesn't regret a thing and he's not asking. He's telling me that he has the right to see his daughter and be there for her. How can I trust him not to wake up one day and decide being in her life is a mistake and disappear again? He can do that to me but I just don't want my daughter to get hurt. I told him he can see her but not this way. He wants more than just to see her. He even threatened me if I don't agree then he has no problem telling her in the future how I'm the reason she grew up without a father.
His mother and even my mother want me to just let him into my daughter's life with no exceptions. And I'm not comfortable doing that because I know him. WIBTA if I decide on what's best for our daughter or just suck it up and let him in?
Edit: just wanted to mention English isn't my first language, so sorry if there are any errors. Also sorry if this is a bit long but I wanted to give you all the details.
Relevant Comments:
What the hell changed:
Exactly, I don't know how. He never answered my calls for two years and never wanted to see her for 5 years and now out of nowhere he's blowing up my phone demanding a relationship with her and expecting me to just let him in. Thank you for the advice 🙌🏻
Downvoted Comment:
Commenter: I take it that you trust your mother, that she knows everything that happened just as much as you do, that you don't think she has any malice towards you or your daughter.
If that is the case then it should at least give you pause to question why it is she does not agree with you on this matter and you should at least speak to her and ask her what her reasons are.
This has nothing to do with what you think he deserves. This is entirely about would it be beneficial for your daughter to have a positive relationship with her father and to have him as a presence in her life. You have no right to deny that to your child and if he does tell her you are the reason she grew up without a father, that will be 100% the truth.

OOP: My mother hates to see her daughter being a single mom. I'll be honest here. my family felt ashamed to have a pregnant daughter outside of marriage. she not only wants him back in my daughter's life but she also wishes to see us back together. As for his mother. It's HIS mother I don't need to say more.

Update Post: May 13
He didn't stop with the calls and texts and I read some of the comments wondering why he suddenly wants to be in my daughter's life so I agreed to meet up with him and discuss everything yesterday. We talked for about 30 mins. 30 mins of me trying to explain to him that he literally gave up his parental rights years ago and there's no need for threatening since he legally has no right to see her if I don't allow him. While he was focused on expressing how I haven't changed and complimenting my body. His comments became too much so I decided to just leave but I noticed he was wearing a ring on his right hand and didn't hesitate to ask him about it. He said he proposed a few weeks ago but he thinks he rushed things. I asked him if she knows about my daughter and if this is why he's here. He said no she still doesn't know and he genuinely wants to be part of his daughter's life. He basically spent 30 mins flirting with no shame that he's engaged and showed no sign of being genuinely interested in getting involved. I told him to just forget about my daughter but if he wants to we can see a judge and they can laugh at him. He threatened to cut financial support and I made it clear I never really needed his help. Sending me $1000 once or twice a year with his sister was already no help and I can give back his money if he wants to.
Now I know what I did wrong but it was the only way to get the answer I needed. On my way home I called his sister and lied about how things went. I said that he told me everything and how his fiancée encourages him to be a better person and I think that's why he wants in which is a good thing. His sister told me everything I needed to know. How his fiancée has a good heart and how she didn't like it when she discovered that he has a daughter but never saw her before. She basically wouldn't have said yes if he didn't promise to try and fix things. So both his mother and sister knew the reason he wanted to get back into my daughter's life and his mother encouraged me to let him in without even being honest with me.
So all this wasn't about my daughter. It was about him and impressing his fiancée who was horrified that he wants nothing to do with his daughter. My mother gets it now but his mother called the same day asking what's the plan now. I told her there's no plan. He could have just given me full custody but he wanted nothing to do with her to the point he decided to sign away his rights. And he seemed already fine with the relationship they have which is none. She tried to make me consider letting him in because at the end it's my daughter's decision. My daughter is 5 years old what decision?? Anyway I made it clear to her that both her and her daughter legally aren't my child's family and from now on there will be no alone time with her. And if they keep pressing me I can easily cut them out.
I will discuss this with a lawyer though. I have everything documented and I'm sure he doesn't have a leg to stand on but still. Just in case he tries something.
And let me show you some of his texts that I'm very tempted to get his fiancée's number and send her some screenshots. English isn't our first language so I translated them for you
"Who sees you now would never tell you weren't ready for this. you look happier"
"You know I really didn't know how much I missed you until I saw you today"
"Good night beautiful kiss (my daughter's name) for me"
I don't know if I'm just overreacting but if my fiancé texts his ex this way. I for sure won't find it acceptable.
By the way with him back. I realized that I never really dealt with the way he broke my heart. Maybe I cried but I had to figure out my life as soon as I could for the sake of my daughter. When I gave birth all I started thinking about was my daughter. Even the nights I called him it was never to ask about 'me' it was always about 'us'. I was scared and not ready to be a mom. And now that I'm a mother I've never felt this strong. I don't know what I'm trying to say here but I'm glad how my life turned out.
Thank you for the advice. I'm glad I gathered the courage to see him. I feel so much better. At least now I know I don't have to worry about him shaking my baby's life up 🙌🏻🤍🤍
Relevant Comments:
Commenter: Im sorry you have to deal with this jerk op. So many people in your og post called it. He’s only interested in your daughter because of his new woman
Honesty block him and go very lc with his family because they are not looking out for your or your daughters best interest

OOP: Thank you. I'm planning to do that but he's still not done with the threats about telling lies to my daughter. I'm trying to gather everything I can before I block him.

Commenter: Ask the sister for the fiancée's number, say he forgot to give it to you.
Something tells me you'll be bonding over his abandoned children in a few years.

OOP: Love the idea🙌🏻 shared trauma makes for great bounding material 😂🙌🏻🤍

​

I am STILL NOT the Original Poster. That is still . She posted in and .
You can read the previous BORU's here and here. New Update marked with ****\* Thanks to u/Choice_Evidence1983 and u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for letting me know!
Trigger Warning: brief mention of murder
Mood Spoiler: happy ending
Original Post: April 16, 2023
Throwaway because I have in-laws on Reddit.
Myself (25F) and my fiancé (27M) have a 2 month old son. We are overjoyed at being parents, but most of my in-laws are refusing to even see our baby because of a decision we made concerning his name.
My in-laws have a tradition of giving the first-born son of every generation the same name. Let's say it's "Peter". This has been going on for about seven generations already, and they're very serious about it. My fiancé's eldest cousin was the latest person to get named Peter. Every one of his cousins has only had daughters so far, so our baby is the first son of his generation, and consequently should get the name.
I have no problem with the name Peter, and would've been okay with naming my son that. Unfortunately, that was also the name of my uncle, who died before I was born. I won't get into details, but it was tragic and traumatizing for my family. My father never got over losing his younger brother.
My grandmother asked the family not to name any of our future children Peter during her lifetime. My MIL and FIL knew about this promise, and at first seemed to not only be okay with us avoiding the name Peter, but also supportive of the one we chose.
However, my grandmother sadly passed away when I was 7 months pregnant. We traveled for her funeral. On our last days there, my in-laws called to offer me their condolences. Then my MIL asked me if I was willing to "think about the name Peter now."
Suddenly, they were insistent that the name we chose was awful and we had to honor their tradition. According to them, they had only agreed to make an exception for us for my grandmother's sake, and had no obligation to keep it now that she had passed.
My family agrees that while it's true we don't have to avoid the name anymore, it still doesn't feel right to use it. My fiancé agrees with me as well, but his parents spent the last weeks of my pregnancy trying to convince us to change our minds about the name.
When our baby was born and we named him what we wanted, my in-laws were furious that we had broken a 7-generation-old family tradition. Some of them hadn't previously wanted to name their sons Peter, but did it anyway for the family's sake. They said our decision was selfish, and that my family "should have moved on by now."
This has truly nothing to do with whether my family has moved on or not, it just felt like a betrayal to my grandmother and uncle's memories to even consider using the name.
My FIL offered us $1000 to change our son's name to Peter after he was born. That was two months ago, and neither of my fiancé's parents have met the baby or seen us since I was pregnant. Most of my in-laws are on their side, and this is causing a huge rift between my fiancé and his family. He assures me he's fine, but I'm starting to feel really guilty about this.
AITA?
EDIT: The tradition started, as far as I know, when OG Peter died and his son, also named Peter, named his firstborn after his father. Peter III ended up having the first son of the following generation, and did the same thing. That one died before having children, so his sister gave the name to her son, and so on. The name “Peter” is very common in my country, so none of them ever got bullied over it, and the fact that it was also my uncle’s name isn’t as unlikely as one might think.
Also, middle names aren’t used in my country. Most people get the maternal surname before the paternal one instead.
EDIT 2: It wasn't 1000 dollars. Different country, different currency. It's still a lot of money, but would probably translate to about 200 USD.
Relevant Comments:
Can you use Peter as a middle name?"
Our country/culture doesn't generally use middle names. If we did, I'd be willing to think about that, even though my son's name doesn't match "Peter"."
How many Peters are alive right now in your family???"
There are 3 living "Peters" in the family right now. Only the eldest (my fiancé's great uncle) actually goes by Peter. The other two have nicknames ("Pete", "Petey", etc)."
OOP is voted NTA
Update Post: May 24, 2023 (a bit over 1 month later)
(OOP's post was removed from AITA, and reposted on her profile. I'm using the date of the AITA post. Comments are also from AITA)
I posted this on AITA, but it got removed about an hour ago because I mentioned a violent encounter on an edit. I tried editing it out and getting it back up, but it didn't work. I'm posting here in case anyone still wants to read it.
Original
Thank you so much to everyone who commented and offered support. A lot has happened since I posted, so I thought I'd give you an update.
About a week after my post, my fiancé's parents contacted us. They apologized for their behavior, and begged to meet my son. They said they were ready to leave the naming debacle behind and truly wanted to be involved in their grandson's life.
We were skeptical, but invited them over to meet the baby. The visit went well. They began coming over almost every day during the next three weeks. I noticed neither of them ever called my son by his name, but I didn't point it out. For the first time in months, things seemed good between my fiancé and his parents.
One day, my fiancé was helping my FIL with something at our place, so my MIL and I went to the park with my baby. Some time later, I had to go to the bathroom, so I left him in the stroller with her.
When I got back, she was sitting on a park bench, chatting with a woman who was cooing over my son. I went over there and introduced myself as "(son's name)'s mom", and she said, "I thought his name was Peter."
I didn't say a word, and neither did my MIL. She followed me to the car and we went back to my apartment. On the way there, I texted my fiancé about what had happened. The moment we got there, he kicked both his parents out of our place.
He'd read my texts and confronted his father. Thankfully, my FIL is a terrible liar, and confessed immediately. Apparently, both my in-laws ONLY call my son Peter. That includes whenever they're talking about him, every time they introduce him to someone else, and even baby-talking to him on the few occasions they were left alone with him. Neither of them are embarrassed by this, and they both think they're in the right.
We're heartbroken. Especially my fiancé. Not only because his parents can't let go of their pride, but also because the name we chose for our son means a lot to us both.
I blame myself for encouraging my fiancé to allow them near our son. I was raised in a different city than all my grandparents, and always wished they could have been more involved in my life. Losing my grandmother didn't help. Pretty much every doubt I had only existed because I thought it would be important for my son to grow up with all of his grandparents around.
But now, all my guilt is gone. If they can't respect my son enough to call him by his name, they don't deserve to be in his life.
I hope they enjoyed the three weeks they had with their grandson. Because that's all they're getting until they get their heads out of their asses.
EDIT: I thought I'd clarify some things. First of all, I'm not comfortable sharing my son's name here, but I promise it's not a "yooneek" name or anything like that. It's perfectly normal and popular-ish in our country.
Secondly, I mentioned this in the comments, but while my family didn't try to dictate me on my son's name, they would never be comfortable with it. My uncle Peter passed almost three decades ago, but it forever changed everyone who knew him. My grandmother's wish might seem a bit irrational, but it was motivated entirely by grief and it didn't seem right to disrespect that just because she's not around anymore.
And to whoever PM'd me that my fiancé's only on my side to keep the peace, he didn't want to use the name either. Months before I got pregnant, he told me he hoped one of his cousins would have a son before we did, because he always hated the tradition and sympathized with my family. He's just as angry at his parents as I am, if not more. Also, most of his cousins and some other relatives have come around and apologized.
Relevant Comments:
Are they this unhinged in other areas of your life too?"
According to my fiancé, they've always been a little entitled, but I never really saw them enough to be able to say that. I will say that, though they were polite, they very clearly didn't care about me until we moved in together. My MIL pretended not to remember my name every time she saw me, and my FIL would lose interest in any conversations that weren't about him. Once it was clear me and my fiancé were in for long term, they started acting a lot more friendly towards me, but it never seemed sincere."
Have other family members come around yet?"
Most of my fiancé's cousins have come around, and his brother was always on our side. His grandmother and some of his aunts and uncles are with us too. His grandfather (divorced from his grandmother), two out of three living Peters (the two oldest) and pretty much everyone else are either still mad at us or haven't reached out to talk about it yet.
My entire family is on my side. They promised not to interfere in the naming process, but are relieved we didn't name him Peter."
One more note on the $1000 offered in the first post:
"And that's $1000 in MY country's currency. It roughly translates to $200USD." (note- OOP clarifies in a comment that she is Brazilian)
OOP drops this horrible bombshell about her uncle, the one who died before she was born:
"My uncle was murdered. My grandmother's request was motivated by trauma."
"Again; my family would be mostly fine with naming my son Peter. My dad and my aunt might have been uncomfortable, and my grandmother asked us all not to do so, but I wouldn't have been disowned if I had. It simply felt disrespectful, especially since my grandmother passed shortly before my son was born.
My uncle's death was traumatic for my family, but the name Peter is hugely common in my country."
Update Post 2: July 28, 2023 (3 months from first post)
My son is now 5 months old (almost six!). We're still NC with my fiancé's parents, who haven't seen us since May. We've both blocked them everywhere. His relatives who were on our side still are, and most of the ones who weren't haven't come around. If anything, they're even more pissed now.
I remember someone suggesting that my fiancé's family might stop using the name after we decided not to. Well, you were right. Last week, one of my fiancé's cousins announced she was pregnant with a boy. She included her baby's name in the announcement, and it's not Peter.
What followed was a string of aggressive Instagram DMs from both MIL and FIL. They both created accounts for the sole purpose of contacting me. I didn't see them until two days later. They sent me almost an hour worth of voice messages about how I'd "ruined their family".
They wish their son had never met me, that he'd see me for "who I truly am", and that I'd never gotten pregnant. Many of the messages ended with "I hope you're happy now", as if they thought they were getting the last word, only to think of something else they wanted to say. There was name calling, an accusation of me cheating, and the persistent refusal to refer to my son as their grandchild.
My fiancé and I listened to the messages together. He hadn't gotten any. As much as I tried to distance myself, I was in tears by the time it was all done. I still don't regret anything, specially after the stunt they pulled back in May, but I'm not completely free of the guilt yet. Not to mention their complete disregard for their grandson. I was already having an overwhelming week, and this just seemed like the final straw.
I must have spent close to an hour sobbing in my fiancé's arms. Once I was calmer, he unblocked his parents just to scream at them for a while. I only heard his side of the conversation, but it was more than enough. He finished the call by saying he didn't want to hear from them again.
We had a long talk afterwards. My fiancé opened up about the emotional blackmail by his family before and after my pregnancy. My in-laws were close to threatening him with anything they could if we didn't name our son Peter. I told him about my guilt, and how awful I feel for putting him through this. We reassured each other, cried a bit more, and had a mostly pleasant evening with our baby.
We contacted his cousin. The family is giving her shit for breaking the tradition again. They're being way less aggressive though, and I think many of my in-laws are finally learning to let go. We're not expecting any apologies anytime soon, but we'll be glad if they come.
Our wedding will be in September 2024, and whoever doesn't give us a sincere apology until then is uninvited. My fiancé's parents are banned either way. We came to that decision together.
Also, I'd like to address some comments on my previous update about how I was "letting my family's trauma win", or how the name wouldn't be hurtful now that my grandmother has passed.
I can't stress enough the damage my uncle's death caused. He was only 30 years old. He had a fiancée, a great career and his whole life ahead of him. I don't know many details about what happened, because I didn't want to upset my family by asking. My grandmother wasn't the only person hurt by this, my entire paternal family was. And if I remember correctly, the person responsible isn't even in jail anymore. It was more than 20 years ago, but the wound never truly closed.
So yeah, I think it's safe to say the tradition is over. The next Not-Peter will be here in January, right before my son's first birthday. It was never my intention for this to turn into such a shitstorm, but I'm so incredibly proud of my little family.
Thank you so much to everyone who shared their stories and offered advice during these last few months. I'll be forever grateful for all the support I got from y'all.
*****New Update Post: May 13, 2024 (13 months from OG post, about 10 from last post)****\*
Hey everyone, it's been a while. I hope you guys had a great Mother's Day!
I remember that last year, I promised myself I'd write a final update as soon as I felt calmer or felt the situation was closer to being solved. That actually happened months ago, but I've been busy lately.
Following my previous update, my fiancé's side of the family remained upset about the tradition being over for a few more months. They were way less intense about it, specially with the pregnant cousin I mentioned, but it was still evident.
That cousin's Not-Peter (almost a year later, I still can't think of a better term) was born in January. Our son turned one the next month. I think the fact that these two things happened so close together helped many of my in-laws let go of the tradition.
We got a few apologies we weren't expecting. Some of them were sincere enough that we slowly started reestablishing contact.
My fiancé's parents were not among those who apologized. We haven't spoken to either of them since last July. From what I've heard from some of his other relatives, however, MIL seems regretful. She has told some of them that she wishes she could be part of her grandson's life, and wonders if making his name a hill to die on was a bad decision. FIL, from what I gather, barely acknowledges my baby exists.
My fiancé knows about how his mother feels, but he says he doesn't care. And even if we did get an apology, I don't think either of us can forgive his parents. As much as we're mostly okay now, it sometimes feels like their treatment of our family ruined the first few months of our baby's life. I know that's not actually true, but I don't want them around my child.
Besides all that, things have been great. My son is 15 months old now, which I don't think I'll ever really get used to. He recently started drawing and has been expanding his vocabulary. He said "mamãe" first, by the way.
My fiancé and I are still getting married in September. We're thinking about moving abroad in a couple years (for work reasons), but we're not sure yet. We also recently got a dog (sadly, we didn't name him Peter).
This will be my final update. Whatever guilt I had about this situation a year ago is completely gone, and my life has been peaceful enough that it feels safe to say the shitshow is over.
Hugo, if you ever find this, you are the most fantastic thing that has ever happened to us. Thank you for letting me be your mom.
Thank you, Reddit, for all the love, advice and support you've given me this past year.
Relevant Comment:
Commenter: Whilst this may be your final update on the naming sage, you said you are getting married in September 2024 and MiL&FiL aren't going to be invited.
Prepare for more craziness from them at that time and good luck :)

OOP: I really do think this is over. My fiancé's parents don't know when or where we're getting married, so I'm not worried about them showing up. They haven't reached out to us in months, and we have no interest in contacting them.

Hello! I've seen that a lot of people are confused about ENFJs and how exactly we work, and considering that there are many websites with different —even contradictory— concepts and definitions of ENFJ, I wanted to provide one closer to what Carl Jung first described in Psychological Types in 1921. I hope this will help people gain a wider perspective of our type, and clear up some associated misconceptions.
But, before we begin, there are some concepts and questions that need to be addressed first:
❓ Are websites like 16 Personalities reliable? What about tests?
📣 No, they aren't. 16 Personalities has wildly different concepts about types, and most importantly: while it's not outright stated, their personality model isn't based on jungian functions or the types Myers-Briggs described in Gifts Differing in 1980. Their test and type description is based on the Big Five personality model, which is something else on its own. You can check this in more detail on their FAQ page. If you used 16p to discover your type, there's a high chance it may not be the same type as what Jung or Myers-Briggs describe in their respective books. Other websites and tests may also handle different concepts, so take their results with a grain of salt.
❓ If tests and websites are unreliable, how can I be sure of my type?
📣 By reading! I'm afraid that there isn't a quick shortcut to instantly know yourself and what type best fits you. Knowing your type is a journey in itself, full of self-reflection and doubt. It's hard, but very rewarding. However, if you are doing this just for fun, feel free to take any popular tests floating around.
❓ I am friendly and outgoing, but sometimes I need space. Am I INFJ or ENFJ?
📣 Social extraversion/introversion and cognitive extraversion/introversion are two different things. Jung managed his concepts and descriptions of different psychological phenomena and gave them different meanings from what we're familiar with. I know, it's confusing. But I'll do my best to clear up what he actually meant later on, so don't worry!
❓ Where are you getting all this information?
📣 Psychological Types, by Carl Jung. I also have Gifts Differing: Understanding Personality Type by Isabel Briggs Myers with Peter B. Myer, however, I am not fond of Myers-Briggs' interpretation of Jung's writings. In my opinion, it's an oversimplified version of types and functions, and she displayed an obvious intuitive bias in her book. Another book that's popular is Lectures on Jung's Typology by Marie-Louise von Franz, who also worked together with Jung to describe types and functions. However, be warned: by her own admission, she dislikes Fe-dom types and her description of ExFJ is rather insulting, so expect some bias as well.
Before we begin talking about what is ENFJ, we have to understand Jung's word salad and what he meant with all these concepts and descriptions. It takes a lot of patience and effort to understand Psychological Types, because as you may know (or not!), psychology is a relatively new science, and many of its roots come from philosophy, anthropology, and even religion. Jung refers to a lot of other authors, philosophers, and other literary figures to describe what he believed were "personality types".
What was the goal with all this? Well, Carl Jung was a Swiss psychoanalyst, and by associating certain patterns of behavior with different mental illnesses, he aimed to make their diagnosis easier for other psychiatrists. So, understandably, Psychological Types is full of technical language that may be hard to understand for anyone who isn't already familiar with the field of psychology. This is why a lot of other websites and other authors, while relying on Jung to describe types, tend to water down concepts and inevitably miss some important context that can't be properly explained until you take the effort to read the entire thing. That's why we have like 10 different descriptions of the same type or functions floating around.
Jung associated Fe-types like ENFJ or ESFJ with hysteria. Of course, this was back in the 19th century, and the target of this diagnosis was almost always women. Thankfully, it's no longer an official mental illness.
⚠️ An important consideration: most of the original texts that laid the foundation for MBTI to exist are from the early 19th century. Expect a lot of sexism and traditional gender roles.

"It may seem superfluous to the reader if I add a special chapter on definitions of terms to the text of my study. However, I have had ample experience of the fact that it is precisely in psychological works that one cannot be careful enough with terms and expressions, since it is precisely in the field of psychology, as nowhere else, that the greatest variations of terms occur, which often give rise to the most stubborn misunderstandings." Jung, Carl. Psychological Types (p. 476).

I will not be listing every single concept, because it'd take the entirety of this post and even more to explain what everything means. I'll list the most common ones that show up when describing types.
🫂 Extravertion and Intravertion:

"If we look at the course of a human life, we see how the destinies of one person are more conditioned by the objects of his interests, while the destinies of another are more conditioned by his own inner being, by his subject. As we all deviate somewhat more to one side or the other, we are naturally inclined to understand everything in terms of our own type." Jung, Carl. Psychological Types (p. 4)

As I said before, extraversion and introversion have different meanings in this area, so when we talk about an extraverted type, we mean to say that it's a type whose dominant function is an extraverted one. To understand better what is an extraverted function, we need to have two vital concepts in mind: subject and object.
🌎 The object, in this concept, is anything that exists outside your mind: it may be the world, it may be people, it may be experiences, it may be sensations, anything that is not inherently part of you. It may be what's happening in your environment, or the environment in itself. It's the external, that which exists without needing any additional interpretation or guessing.
👤 The subject is you. Your mind, your feelings, your values, your logic, your impressions, your subjective interpretation of ideas or people or what's happening around you. Anything that is purely personal, be it your inner understanding of how things fit together, your interpretation of a painting, your like or dislike of a song, etc. Your subjective experiences or thoughts, that's the subject.
In a way, it's you, the subject vs. the world, the object. Of course, there's much more to this, but this is the easiest way I can explain it. You'll see these two concepts popping around because they're the very foundation of functions.

"But every human being possesses both mechanisms, extraversion and introversion, and only the relative predominance of one or the other determines the type." Jung, Carl. Psychological Types (p. 5).

Extraversion and Introversion, as I was saying before, are defined by what's your disposition towards the external world vs. the inner self. If your decisions are mostly influenced by what's happening outside your mind, then we are talking about an extrovert. If your decisions are influenced by your own inner world, regardless of what's happening outside of it, then we talk about an introvert.

"If the orientation towards the object and the objectively given prevails in such a way that the most frequent and most important decisions and actions are not conditioned by subjective views but by objective conditions, we speak of an extraverted attitude. If this is habitual, we speak of an extraverted type. If someone thinks, feels and acts, in a word, lives in a way that directly corresponds to objective circumstances and their requirements, in both a good and a bad sense, then they are extraverted. He lives in such a way that it is obvious that the object as a determining factor plays a greater role in his consciousness than his subjective view. Certainly he has subjective views, but their determining power is less than that of external objective conditions." Jung, Carl. Psychological Types (pp. 384-385).

It's important to know that Jung initially described only four functions: Feeling, Thinking, Intuition, and Sensing. These functions would be either extraverted or introverted depending on how they relate to the external, objective world vs. the inner, subjective world. For example, Extraverted Feeling (Fe) is an extraverted feeling function because it favors the external feeling environment over more personal, subjective feelings that only belong to the subject.
In contrast, the introvert prefers to make decisions based on their inner self, on their personal views and convictions, regardless of what's happening around them. Someone whose function is introverted will not value the outside world a lot, and feels like is a threat to them:

"The introvert has an abstract attitude towards the object; basically, he is always anxious to withdraw his libido from the object, as if he had to prevent the object from overpowering him." Jung, Carl. Psychological Types (p. 380).

Now that we have some basic concepts cleared out, I hope understanding the Extraverted Feeling type is a bit easier. I want to start by how Jung described Fe:

"Feeling in the extraverted attitude is oriented towards the objectively given, i.e. the object is the indispensable determinant of the way of feeling. It is in accordance with objective values. Whoever knows feeling only as a subjective fact will not readily understand the nature of extraverted feeling, because extraverted feeling has freed itself as far as possible from the subjective factor and has instead subjected itself entirely to the influence of the object." Jung, Carl. Psychological Types (p. 411).

❗️We have to understand here that feelings are not emotions. Under this context, feeling is what we either accept or reject, what we value or not, how do we feel about something. An emotion, in this context, is something that causes a bodily response: if you feel angry, your heartbeat increases, your arms shake, and your face turns red. If you feel sad, you'll start crying and shaking. If you feel happy, your heartbeat increases and you smile. In contrast, just liking or disliking something may or may not make you react in any way. For example, let's say that you have an intense dislike of a celebrity. You don't start shaking and crying just because you dislike that celebrity. But what if you're a fan of a certain band? If you listen to one of their songs, you may start feeling happy. In both of these cases, we have two concepts floating around: a "feeling" (disliking a celebrity or liking a band) and an "emotion" that may be a reaction to that feeling (feeling happy when listening to your favorite band).
Feeling types usually have this misconception going around that we're emotional wrecks and can't think logically. This misunderstanding comes from the confusion that Feeling means being emotional. And while a feeling can give rise to an emotion, it's not emotion in itself, these are two different things. To put it simply: Feelings are values, and emotions are reactions to those values.
Now, to continue on how Jung described Fe, he gave a great example of how this type of Feeling is influenced by the outside world:

"I can feel compelled to use the predicate "beautiful" or "good", not because I find the object "beautiful" or "good" out of subjective feeling, but because it is appropriate to call it "beautiful" or "good"; and appropriate insofar as a judgment to the contrary would somehow disturb the general emotional situation. Such an appropriate emotional judgment is by no means a simulation or even a lie, but an act of fitting in. Thus, for example, a painting may be called "beautiful" because a painting hung in a salon and signed with a well-known name is generally assumed to be "beautiful", or because the predicate "ugly" could offend the family of the happy owner, or because the intention on the part of the visitor is to create a pleasant emotional atmosphere, for which it is necessary that everything is felt to be pleasant. Such feelings are directed according to objective determinants. As such, they are genuine and represent the entire visible feeling function." Jung, Carl. Psychological Types (pp. 411-412).

A common misunderstanding surrounding Fe, and by extension Fe types, is that Fe is by nature insincere and fake, and that we're double-faced and superficial. But I think of it differently: if your friend got a bad haircut and they look terrible, is it dishonest to say that it isn't that bad if it comes from an honest intention of not wanting to hurt their feelings over something they can't change? Do you always need to tell people what you think, regardless of how it may affect them? I think honesty without kindness is just cruelty.
But, moving on!

"The evaluations made through the act of feeling correspond either directly to objective values or at least to certain traditional and generally accepted standards of value. It is largely due to this kind of feeling that so many people go to the theater or to a concert or to church with properly measured positive feelings. It is also to thank for the fashions, and what is far more valuable, the positive and widespread support of social, philanthropic and other cultural endeavors. In these things, extraverted feeling proves to be a creative factor. Without this feeling, for example, beautiful and harmonious sociability is unthinkable. In this respect, extraverted feeling is just as beneficial and rational a power as extraverted thinking." Jung, Carl. Psychological Types (p. 412)

To me, Fe represents that desire for human connection, to feel community, to think about others. We live in an age where hyperindividualism is encouraged everywhere, to care about yourself only, to isolate and disregard anyone who doesn't make you feel good. If that kind of mindset is pushed constantly by corporations and influencers, a lot of people will have a hard time understanding something like Fe, since it opposes everything hyperindividualism stands for. It's frustrating, but I think it's also not surprising to see a lot of people in the MBTI community having an intense dislike of Fe types, especially Fe-dom types, because of this. The idea that only you, as an individual, matter, is so prevalent that for some people, caring about something other than yourself is just dumb.
⚠️ Another thing to take in mind is that Jung determines the dominant function by what we value the most. By this, it means that your intention is what matters, not the results. For example, a socially awkward person can be an ENFJ as long as they value the outside feeling environment over everything else, no matter how clumsy they may be at it. We tend to think of ENFJ as mind-readers, masters of socialization, or community leaders, and it certainly can be the case! But, just as the ENFJ can be a well-loved, charismatic therapist, it can also be the nervous shrinking violet who awkwardly tries to please people around them. We often make the mistake of measuring someone's preference of a function by how "skilled" they are at it, by how much positive results come from them using that function, when in reality, you can be an absolute dimwit and still be a Ti-dom. Your dominant function is always the one that dictates your decisions, regardless of the results of those decisions.
Now, as with all functions, Extraverted Feeling has its dark side.

"However, this beneficial effect is lost as soon as the object gains excessive influence. In this case, the overly extraverted feeling draws the personality too much into the object, i.e. the object assimilates the person, whereby the personal character of the feeling, which is its main stimulus, is lost. This makes the feeling cold, objective and untrustworthy. It betrays a secret intention, or at least arouses such suspicions in the unbiased observer. It no longer makes that pleasant and refreshing impression which always accompanies a genuine feeling, but one senses posturing or acting, when perhaps the egocentric intention is still quite unconscious." Jung, Carl. Psychological Types (pp. 412-413).

It's possible to care too much. When Fe gains excessive influence over the psyche, it places so much value on harmonious relationships that it comes at the detriment of the subject. Unhealthy Fe demands that you adapt to every single social environment, to make sure to please everyone, and to sacrifice your personhood in favor of the external feeling world. This is why the unhealthy Fe user comes across as fake and dishonest: it's impossible to be a different person to fit in with different social settings without sacrificing your integrity.

"Since situations in life constantly alternate with one another, triggering different or even contrasting emotional tones, the personality dissolves into just as many different feelings. One time you are one thing, the next time something completely different - apparently, because in reality such a diversity of personality is impossible." Jung, Carl. Psychological Types (p. 415).

When we talk about types turning unhealthy or acting in erratic or destructive ways, we also have to talk about their inferior function. After all, is your inferior function that keeps your dominant function in check, so to speak. Your inferior function is a sensible counterpart that, while it opposes your dominant function, it provides a different perspective, like another voice that says "yes, but..." to anything you say. This is the role of Introverted Thinking (Ti).
❗️Contrary to popular belief, inferior Ti is not when you lack intelligence, logic, or intellect. To begin with, Thinking isn't related to intelligence. It can lead to it, but just like Feeling can lead to emotions, it ultimately isn't emotions in itself. In the same way, Thinking can lead to intelligence, but it isn't intelligence in itself. It's a process of thought, not the result of that thought. For example, you can think about a math problem, but that thinking may not necessarily lead to a correct answer.
The relationship between the dominant function and the inferior function is the most important one. If the balance between the two functions is disturbed, it leads to destructive or toxic behaviors, or as how Jung called it, neurosis. So what is the relationship between Ti and Fe?

"You can only feel "right" if nothing else disturbs your feelings. But nothing disturbs feeling as much as thinking. It is therefore easy to understand why thinking is suppressed as much as possible in this type of person. This is by no means to say that such a woman does not think at all; on the contrary, she may think a great deal and very intelligently, but her thinking is never sui generis, but an epimetheic appendage of her feeling. As far as feeling permits, she can think very well, but any conclusion, however logical, which might lead to a result disturbing to feeling, is rejected a limine. It is simply not thought." Jung, Carl. Psychological Types (p. 414)

Thinking is the opposing force to Feeling. And for a type that values Feeling the most, it's only to be expected that it tries to suppress Thinking the most. If a logical thought has the power to disturb the social harmony, the average or unhealthy ENFJ will do their best to pretend it isn't there. But it's impossible to completely suppress a part of your mind. The thoughts that you're desperately trying to push away, will always come back in different forms:

"Unconscious thinking reaches the surface in the form of ideas, often of an obsessive nature, whose general character is always negative and devaluing. There are therefore moments in women of this type when the worst thoughts attach themselves to the very objects that the feeling values most highly. Negative thinking makes use of all infantile prejudices or comparisons that are suitable for casting doubt on the value of feelings, and it draws on all primitive instincts in order to be able to explain feelings as "nothing but". Jung, Carl. Psychological Types (p. 417).

By this, Jung means that the suppressed Ti will leak out in the form of harsh criticism, prejudice, or comparing people according to unreasonable expectations of them, destroying the previously positive feelings about them. Basically, Ti will turn destructive, making the usually pleasant ENFJ assume the worst out of someone.
All of the above paints a picture of a dishonest, paranoid, and troubled ENFJ. They're desperate to win people over, to make everyone happy, but they have lost themselves in this desire and sacrificed their integrity to the point they sound hollow, they lack substance, and the more they try, the less convincing they are. At the same time, their inferior Ti makes them think all sorts of terrible things about the people around them, and they start doubting their relationships and the sincerity of the people they love.
🫂 I will be making a part two later describing Ni from Jung's perspective and how to tell ENFJ and INFJ apart. Ni is kind of tricky to describe, especially as an auxiliary function, but I'm sure it'll help a lot of people who may be confused about their type! Also, the majority of what I described above can be applied to the ENFJ's sensor counterpart, ESFJ. And as I said before, Jung only described four functions and eight personality types, which later expanded to 16 personality types under Myers-Briggs system, therefore there isn't a "function stack" to speak of right now, but I can do my best to describe the closest thing we have to it from Psychological Types.
I hope this was helpful. Thank you for reading! 💖

Basically the title. 21M caught my ex hooking up with my roommate/friend since freshman year 5 days after she dumped me because she thought I didn't respect her identity as a nonbinary person (she uses she/they pronouns). It was almost two months ago and I still can't go more than like 20 minutes without thinking about it. We dated for a year and a half and I enjoyed every second although there were a few problems I still loved her dearly and I felt that she loved me the same. My roommate she had sex with went through a long-term relationship ending like two years ago and I was one of the many people consoling him during the following months when he was heartbroken. The night we broke up he basically just told me that he doesn't know how to deal with these situations and never said anything to me besides that. I didn't think anything of it since some people just genuinely don't know how to console people. But now I can't help but think he was just waiting and waiting during our entire year and a half relationship for his chance to fuck. On March 12th I said something in a conversation with my other roommate (lets call him Alex) about how it's confusing when nonbinary people go by they/them because it makes me think I'm talking about multiple people. A few days later she said we needed to take a break from the relationship because she thought I didn't respect her identity. During the "break" (in which we still saw each other almost daily) many things were said about how she's "not a monogamist" and "doesn't know if I'll be enough for her". She eventually ended it on March 28th because she said that despite it being over two weeks since the incident she still didn't feel any better. I later found out she ended it that particular night because I wouldn't stop texting/being friends with Alex (who she never liked, but began to hate after the events on March 12th because he said something even more disrespectful to nonbinary people than I did). I went to one of the campus counselors about it a few times and they and a few other of my friends told me that it wasn't my fault and that she was just looking for an easy out since she didn't want a monogamist relationship with me. FWIW, my roommate she had sex with had been friends with Alex for almost 4 years and saw him almost daily in their classes, which is the only thing that makes me think she was just bullshitting and looking for an easy way out of the relationship because I keep telling myself that it doesn't make sense that she would break up with me for being friends with Alex and then go fuck his even closer friend 5 days later. This was my first relationship ever and the first person to even show a slight amount of romantic interest in me and I just don't know how to move on from it. I still find myself every day wishing I could tell her all the random things that happened to me throughout the day and wishing she was still in my life. And despite all the sob story my side isn't exactly great either. The way I found out was my roommate turning off his location sharing randomly despite having it for over two years. I knew he always found her attractive and once I got the thought of them doing something like that behind my back I just couldn't sleep without verifying so I got on the bus at like 12:15 am and went over to her place (about a 30 minute trip door to door). The whole way there I kept thinking I was a crazy psychotic stalker and that there's no way either of them would do something like that to me. But then I got there and saw his car in the parking lot. At that point I had basically all the proof I needed, but instead of just going home I opened her front door (her door lock has a code that I obviously still remembered) and stood in the doorway until she looked down at me from her bedroom. I asked her what he was doing here and how long it had been going on and she said it had only started today and I just said "ok" and locked the door behind me and left. At the time I didn't think it was a big deal but if I was her and I heard my door opening randomly at 12:45 in the morning I would probably be pretty terrified. He eventually sent me a wall of text at 4 am saying how what he did was unforgivable and how he would be moving out of the apartment as soon as he could (his family lives like 15 minutes away). I didn't sleep at all that night and called out of work the next day. A few days later I publicly called her a whore on my Instagram story and about a week or two after that I tweeted "killing my ex and her new lover in honor of OJ dying" (this was a few hours after OJ had died) and they both saw it and he was going to report me to the cops until I called him up and told him I wasn't being serious and I would leave him alone if he didn't report me. I then called her and told her the same thing but she said she didn't believe me since I had "broken in" to her place that night and she threatened to report me to the campus Title IX office while breaking down hysterically. She also told me that the breakup was entirely my fault and that she hated my guts ever since the night of the incident and would have broken up with me on the spot if Alex wasn't in the room. I like to believe that she was just doing crocodile tears to elicit an apology from me to save face but she has really bad anxiety and genuinely might have thought that I was going to kill her so I have no idea. After the semester ended and I did my routine end of semester Instagram recap post I included a screenshot of the 4 am text message he sent me in which he called himself "weak and pathetic" and half-apologized. A few days later they both got no contact orders against me and that's basically where we're at now. Two of my friends that I've known since freshman year are apparently rooming with him next semester so I've blocked them and anyone else I know that would take his side. It's so overwhelming because it feels like I've lost basically all my friends and the love of my life when just three months ago my life was basically perfect. She and my roommate had a good friendship that developed throughout the year and a half we were dating and I liked that they were able to get along so well but I don't know how I'm supposed to trust anyone like that again. I don't want to be that guy who's insecure about his girlfriend having male friends but I don't know how I'm supposed to not be insecure about it now. I've fallen into some pretty bad habits (I drink most days now and went back to smoking weed) because it's the only way I can numb my mind for a few minutes. The concept of finding a new relationship is so daunting and I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to do it. I wish I still had her.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/brokenheartedsister
My (26F) fiance (28M) slept with my sister (32F). Heartbroken and devastated. I can't move on.
Thanks to u/Choice_Evidence1983 for suggesting this BoRU
TRIGGER WARNING: infidelity, betrayal, self harm, depression, property damage
Original Post Nov 27, 2015
Hi Reddit. I'm posting here in the hope that someone can give me some advice, share their experiences, I don't know. I'm just completely at a loss. I feel like my heart has been ripped out.
My fiance (let's call him Jake) and I have been together for 7 years. I don't know a life without him. I met him at university, we stayed together past graduation, and moved into a flat which we bought together 2 years ago. He proposed last summer and we were set to wed in July 2017. We have had very few problems until now.
My sister (let's call her Sara) is an extremely volatile person. Growing up, I doted on her completely but she had a lot of personal issues that made our home life turbulent. Her childhood was very different to mine. My parents had very little money, they were on the brink of a divorce, my dad was physically violent on a number of occasions. Whilst things improved drastically in the years after I was born, she has an abundance of problems that stem back to this. My parents feel a lot of guilt about Sara's upbringing, and used to let her get away with some shocking behavior.
Sara had the same boyfriend for as long as I can remember (they dated from when they were 16), and their relationship was toxic. They habitually broke up and got back together; when they were good, they were crazy in love. But more often than not, she would have these insane arguments (sometimes physical) with him then take out her frustrations and despair on myself and my parents. I remember spending many nights lying by her side in bed while she cried so hard she would retch. After their arguments, she would throw plates and glasses at the wall, hit herself. Sometimes she would hit me and my parents too. It was like he was a drug to her, and she was emotionally stunted and didn't know how to see anything past their relationship.
2 months ago, her boyfriend called things off for good. I don't know what gave, but after nearly two decades together, he finally had enough. He booked a one way ticket to another country, changed his number, deleted all social media profiles, and essentially disappeared from Sara's life. To this day, she still won't explain what caused this, but it was long overdue.
To say Sara was devastated is an understatement. She moved out of their shared rented apartment, and in with my parents. I would visit her most days after work, where she would flit in between explosive rage to an almost catatonic silence, staring at the wall with tears streaming down her face. At one point, we were all extremely worried she might seriously harm herself and organized for her to see a therapist (something I had suggested for years). Of course, she backed out days before her appointment, and there were no consequences. She is, after all, a grown woman. She just hasn't changed emotionally in the entire time I've known her, and still acts like a teenager.
2 days ago. I went to visit Sara, who was in bed in her darkened room. I let myself in and attempted to speak to her, telling her about my day at work. She immediately exploded, screaming at me, throwing her pillows across the room, crying uncontrollably. She told me life was unfair. That I had everything and she was left alone to "rot". That everything wrong in her life was because she was a bad person. She hurt her boyfriend, she drove him away, she's ruined our family, she fucked Jake and didn't even feel guilty at the time. I initially thought I'd misheard her, but then she said it again. It was like she had poured a bucket of ice water over me.
I silently left, shaking. When I got home, Jake was there watching TV. It came out of my mouth the second I saw him, and I could see in his eyes it was true. He broke down, and told me it had happened 3 years ago. Sara had had another blazing row with her boyfriend and decided to drive round to Jake's looking for me. I was at our parents at the time and Jake attempted to pacify Sara. He comforted her while she sobbed in his arms, and one thing led to another. They had sex.
I packed an overnight bag while he followed me from room to room, sobbing and telling me it was the worst mistake of his life, that he still has no idea how it happened. That he felt unbelievably guilty the second it was over, that it feels like it wasn't even real. I left him in the doorway begging me not to leave.
I've checked into a hotel and have switched my phone off. I don't know what to do, who to tell, where to begin. I feel sick, like this is a bad dream. My heart feels like it's been ripped into a million pieces. For all of Sara's faults, I love her more than anything. It's the two people who are more to me than anyone else in the world.
How the fuck do I move on from this? I feel like I'm in a bubble. I don't know what's going on in the outside world. All I do is cry and sleep in this room. Someone please help me make sense of this.
tl;dr: My volatile sister recently went through a break up after a 16 year relationship with the love of her life. She is severely depressed and almost catatonic; I went to visit her one day only for her to explode and tell me she slept with my fiance 3 years ago. He admitted it was true and I haven't spoken to a soul since. I have locked myself in a hotel room with no plans of ever coming out. My heart is shattered into a million pieces and I don't know what to do.
Update Nov 29, 2015
Hi everyone.
I logged on this afternoon to find 300 + replies and messages to my post. I am unbelievably touched by the all people who reached out to me, particularly fractalfay's incredible response which spoke to me on a level I didn't think possible from a stranger. I'd like to thank each and every single person who took the time out of their day for me; I was so overwhelmed that I've not responded to a single one as of yet but it is truly truly appreciated.
Now onto the update.
It has only been a day or so since I made my post, but it feels like I'd been in that hotel room for weeks, crying in the dark buried under the covers. At some point this morning, I decided to draw the curtains open and let the sunlight in. I went and sat on the balcony and switched my phone on for the first time. It started ringing within 30 seconds. It was my mother, who burst into tears as soon as I answered. Her and my parents had obviously been desperately worried (this is the longest I have ever gone without contact) and had even contemplated calling the police had I failed to contact them by this evening.
My mom informed me that as I was walking out of Sara's room, down the stairs, and out the front door, Sara was screaming and wailing that she's sorry. Funnily enough, I didn't hear this. I don't know how. I think I was in such a state of shock that I couldn't process anything around me. Honestly, I can't even remember the drive home. After I shut the door behind me, my mom (who was the only other person at home) rushed into Sara's room to find her trashing her room and attempting to slash her wrists with a blunt lino cutter of all instruments (Sara used to do a lot of art). Obviously, this barely caused a scratch but jump started my mom into action. She drove Sara to the hospital, where I understand she underwent some sort of assessment and was kept overnight. She has, incredibly, agreed to undergo treatment for whatever it is that is wrong with her. My mom was surprised she was so complaisant on the drive down, willingly entering the car and saying nothing other than asking where I am.
Sara seems resigned and completely deflated; my mom spoke to me at length for the first time in my life about the hardships they had undergone during Sara's childhood. I am unwilling to go into detail and am still in shock about some of the things I heard. Sara is not devoid of responsibility; she has long surpassed the age where she can blame her childhood for her behavior, but my mom admitted through tears that not sending her to therapy at an early age was the biggest regret of her life so far.
I asked my mom if she knew why I had left; she admitted that she had known SINCE SARA'S EX LEFT TWO MONTHS AGO. At this point, I had to struggle not to hang up and I suddenly felt myself going back into that pit, but she begged me to listen. After her ex Harry (I am too drained to invent a name...hi Harry) left, Sara told my mom exactly what had happened. It was not the reason for Harry's departure, although he did know about it. Rather, he had had enough of being Sara's carer, and years of begging her to seek help had fallen on deaf ears one too many times. When Sara informed my mom, my mom told Sara I have to know immediately. Sara refused to tell me, and I still don't know why she changed her mind in that moment. My dad doesn't know for anyone wondering, and thinks I've left as I've also finally had enough of Sara's behavior.
Now here is where the home truths came out. I asked my mom if she knew the details. She was reluctant to tell me anything, stating that it had happened and that was all I needed to know. But I told her I refused to step foot in the house until I knew everything. She then proceeded to tell me that a few months before they slept together, Sara and Jake had kissed at my dad's 60th birthday party. It was a large family gathering with a lot of alcohol involved. I remember Jake getting very drunk with my cousins. Sara had a crying tantrum prior to arriving as her and Harry had an argument and he refused to come (she called me sobbing before she arrived). At some point during the night, Jake asked her if she was okay and hugged her, and once again "one thing led to another" and they shared a kiss in the kitchen. Sara told my mom that they were both immediately remorseful and vowed never to speak of it again, but Sara deliberately sought him out the night they slept together knowing he was unlikely to turn her down. She openly admitted she did it to get back at Harry, who had cheated on her during one of their many infamous breaks. I don't think I even entered her thoughts.
At this point, I'd heard enough. We'd spoken on the phone for over four hours and I felt mentally drained and physically sick. Any hope I had of salvaging my relationship with Jake has completely gone. I feel the last 3 years have been tainted by their betrayal, and the many years before that I wonder: did he like Sara this whole time? Part of me doesn't even want to know.
It's worth noting he has made absolutely no attempt to contact me other than a single TEXT stating "I'm sorry. Take as long as you need". As if it's inevitable I will come back to him.
Things are still up in the air. I don't feel ready to check out of the hotel as I don't know where I'm going to go next. I feel my relationship with my mom has been rocked by these revelations. I don't know what's going to become of Sara. I have no idea what I'm going to do about me and Jake's flat, where I'm going to live. I don't even know if I have a job anymore. I just haven't showed up to work.
But I know the truth and the smallest part of me is grateful for that. The rest of me is consumed by a pain I never imagined possible.
I guess there's nothing else to do now except wait and see how things unfold. But reading through your comments and messages have been more help than you can imagine, thank you thank you thank you.
And for anyone who has have ever experienced symptoms like Sara's, or has been around someone who is so visibly troubled, I beg of you: seek help before it's too late.
tl;dr: I had a four hour conversation with my mom, who not only knew about Sara and Jake, but informed me that they had shared a kiss a few months prior to the event. I am still in the hotel, still heart broken, and have no idea what to do next. The only saving grace is that Sara has agreed to treatment and will not be in my life for the foreseeable future.
Final Update Dec 26, 2015
Hi everyone!
I thought I would make a final update (to my original post and update) as I received a lot of messages over the last few days wondering how I am over the holiday period.
Once again, I'd like to thank you all for the outpouring of support I've received over the last month. The number of messages, links to help, and offers for a shoulder to cry on were overwhelming and touching. I apologise if I never got round to replying to them all, the last few weeks have been a blur. But I am eternally grateful nonetheless.
So, after my conversation with my mom (where I found out she had known about Jake and Sara) I went back to square one. I switched my phone off again, and retreated back into my hotel for a further 5 days. From the comments on my last post, I should clear up one thing: my mom hadn't known about Jake and Sara from the very beginning. Rather, Sara had told her about it at the time of Harry's sudden departure (meaning she had known a couple months before I did).
Eventually, I decided enough was enough and decided to call work. My boss wasn't angry, or even surprised, to hear from me. My mom had called him after our conversation and told him there had been a family emergency and I would be unavailable for the forseeable future. He advised I take to the end of the week, but would have to come to a meeting if I required any more time off work than I had already given myself. So my job was safe(ish) and I'm back at work and trying to get on with things.
After this, I went back to my parents. Sara was also home but holed up in her room. I went in to see her and she was up painting. As a number of you guessed, it is likely she has BPD, although my parents are waiting on a second opinion. She is going to counselling weekly, and seems slightly better. She broke down in tears when she saw me and we had a long long talk, where she spoke to me in depth about how truly consumed she was by her and Harry's toxic relationship. She understands it's for the best that it's over, but she describes the pain as "unrelenting: it hurt when he was with me, and it hurts now he's gone".
I know alot of you will feel disappointed that I haven't cut her or my mom out of my life for good. I still feel resentment in the pit of my stomach when I think about it, but truly, I blame Jake more than anyone else. Jake was with me for long enough to see some of Sara's behaviour. She's not well and he still chose to do what he did. It is a slow process, but she's my sister and I can't cut them out of my life forever. It will never be the same again, but maybe that's a good thing.
My dad, who had been newly informed on the proceedings, drove to my apartment and gathered some clothes and an overnight bag. Jake was not home, and my parents have not heard from him since I left. I have no idea where he is, and neither he nor his family have attempted any contact with me since this came out. His social media profiles have disappeared, and I have not attempted any contact with him, his family, or his friends. I began the slow process of telling my friends last week. I did not explain what happened, other than to say Jake was not the person I thought he was. They have all assumed cheating, but there is no reason for them to know who was involved.
I have switched back and forth between staying with my parents and sleeping at my apartment. I sleep on the sofa bed as the memories are too painful at the moment. I am in the process of looking into selling the place, however, this means contacting Jake at some point in the near future as the apartment is joint owned. I will cross that bridge when I feel a bit stronger.
Christmas day was a strange and sad one for both myself and Sara. But we spent it as a family, and for the few hours we were sat around eating and watching movies the pain was dulled even a small bit. As we were flicking through the various movies and TV episodes we'd recorded, I came across a scene that stuck with me, a scene that ended with the words: "la familia es todo".
I still spend most days with a hole in my heart, it hurts more than anything I've ever felt in my life...but it's getting better. I know I've got a long way to go, but for the first time I'm confident I'll get there.
Thank you for reading and here's to 2016.
tl;dr: Jake has disappeared without a trace. Sara is in treatment. My heart still hurts but I'm finally starting to get better.
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP
DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

UPDATE: reordered the list a bit for better overview. Fixed issues will now appear at the bottom of a specific list for better readability.
========================================
We are a Fan subreddit, and not run by Blizzard, but the devs and CM's are frequently reading feedback from all sources, including reddit.
Many people come here to give feedback, which is welcome, but since some of the feedback is given very frequently, we compile this frequently given/posted feedback / requests / suggestions from players on specific issues in this weekly updated and reoccurring thread here to not bloat up the subreddit and people feed with it.
We will redirect most new threads about issues / feedback that are about below listed topics, to this weekly thread, to keep the subreddit better readable, while also keeping these issues highlighted as things the community is concerned about.
The list of these issues / topics is posted below and will be adjusted (when necessary) every week.
========================================
Things that have been fixed or otherwise solves or addressed will be crossed out like this.
This also proved a good overview of which issues have already been adderesed / fixed / etc.
​
--- List of Feedback / Requests / Complaints that are frequently posted on the subreddit ---
​
UI

• fix Typos in Item Tooltips and Text Boxes
• more than 100% completion in the Codex (or similar things) being displayed
• Requirements not met on Paragon Nodes
• Pathfinding Issues on the Map
• an Overlay Map (similar to Diablo 2)
• improved Chat / more QoL Features for Chat [solution suggested by a redditor]
• option to hide UI
• additional infos displayed on Clan Members and Friends
• an UI Indicator for when Resource XYZ is above ## (based on certain effects, e.g. from Passives or Aspects)
• INDIRECTLY ADRESSED (Season 4 Patch): additional Visual Indicators for Uniques and Legendaries aside from the Color (e.g. a Star on the Item Image for Uniques) - Lategame Items with Greater Affixes now have Roman Numerals behind them as a Visual Indicator
• INDIRECTLY ADRESSED (Season 4 Patch): Lootfilter and/or Salvage Filter - Rare Items now only drop with up to 2 Affixes, while Legendaries drop with 3 Affixes + Items with Greater Affixes on them have Roman Numerals behind them)
• Add search to titles / Aspects / etc (added in Season 4 Patch to the New Codex System)
• a regular, consistent Order in which the Affixes on Item Tooltips are appearing / being displayed
• option to mark Items for 'Keep' instead of marking them as 'Junk'
• separate Gem Tab (instead of gems, Gem Shard will drop now, which are a Crafitng Material from which you can craft gems. These Gem Shards will be stored in the Crafting Materials Tab) [alternative solution suggested by a redditor]
• fix the issue of flickering item tooltips when comparing items

​
Stash

• A few Private Stash Tabs for each Character (in addition to the Shared Stash Tabs)
• Move all Aspects into the Codex to free up space in the Inventory and the Stash (Season 4 Patch)
• Search Function in the Stash
• Additional 'Sort Functions' in the Stash and Inventory, e.g.: HighestLowest Item Level, WhiteMagicRareLegendary... within the same Weapon/Armor Piece, etc
• Sort Function should group same Aspects together

​
Items

• additional Affixes for the 'Razorplate' Unique Chest Armor (people often think its bugged)
• an improved Icon for Affixes that were re-rolled / enchanted, so that it better stands out
• partially / indirectly addressed: Gems are not worth picking up anymore at a certain point EDIT: partially/indirectly addressed - has been somewhat addressed but not fixed by Gem Fragments now being picked up automatically)
• Gems not being interesting enough (Season 4 Patch with the Large Itemization Overhaul made the Bonuses on Gems less conditional, replaced a few Bonuses with others, and added Main Stat)
• Ancient Rare Items should not roll with only 3 Affixes (addressed in Season 4 Patch with the Itemization Overhaul, Rare Items)
• certain Affixes should not spawn as Normal Affixes on Items, but instead only on Passive Skills, Magic & Rare Paragon Nodes, or as a 5'th or 6'th Bonus Affixes on Uniques (addressed in Season 4 Patch with the Itemization Overhaul)
• too many different forms of '#% Damage Increased Affixes' on Items /// less of these Affixes overall /// move many of these Affixes to Paragon / Passives / Uniques /// only up to # of these should roll on a single item [Large Discussion about this on the subreddit] (addressed in Season 4 Patch with the Itemization Overhaul)
• Below-Sacred Items should no longer in WT3 once a certain Character Level has been reached + Below-Sacred Items should not drop in WT4 at all
• The amount of Sacred Items in WT4, should reduce the higher your Character Level gets.
• (increased) Minimum Item Power on higher Character Levels
• higher drop chance for Uber Uniques (one of the reasons people give is that these items are often not just powerful, but also build defining, and hence should be obtainable in a season + "real Grail Items" should be "less mandatory")

​
Legendary Aspects

• relocating some Legendary Aspects to the Skill Tree (as Passive Skills or Skill-specific Upgrades) and/or the Paragon Board (as Magic, Rare and/or Legendary Passives)
• Legendary Codex Aspects should be able to be upgraded over time (b/c it feels bad to hold on to good ones long periods of time) (Season 4 Patch)
• other Legendary Powers (that currently are not obtainable via Dungeons) should appear in the Codex once salvaged. (Season 4 Patch)
• some/many of the mid- and late game Legendary Aspects should appear in the Codex, once the Item / Aspects has been salvaged / found / extracted (Season 4 Patch)
• Resource Aspects (like the Aspect of Concentration, etc.) should occur more frequently (addressed in Season 4 Patch, since they are now stored forever in the Codex)
• certain Aspects should occur more frequently in general (addressed in Season 4 Patch, since they are now stored forever in the Codex)
• Sort Function in Stash should group same Aspects together

​
Artisans and Crafting

• Duplicate Affixes should not appear when Enchanting /// or +1 additional Roll when Enchanting.
• Increased Movement Speed in town (to more quickly maneuver between artisans)
• ​
• Salvaging "Glacial Fissure" Sigil should show a warning and could refund some materials
• "Salvage Filter", aka an option at the Blacksmith to salvage items that do not met individually assigned conditions (like 'Salvage all Items below Item Power ###' - where ### stands for a number the players can select themselves, and other conditions)
• some people want to keep the Gatehall from Season 3 (Season of the Construct) as a new (optional) HUB (a community discussion on that can be found here )
• Artisans, Vendors, Stash, Wardrobe, Townportal, Waypoint, Purveyors of Curiosities, etc should be closer together in towns (suggestion / illustration by a redditor) (Purveyors of Curiosities have been moved closer to other vendors and more Stashes have been added in each town) (plus, in the Season 4 Patch, all Artisans are now closer to the Waypoint / Town Portal)...
• Hair Color / Style should be able to be changed in the Wardrobe
• Enchanting Costs too high / Cap Enchanting Cost / slower ramp-up of re-crafting costs (Season 4 Patch improved this)
• list Elixiers in their own group (e.g. compile Weak Iron Bark, Strong Iron Bark, Heavy Iron Bark Elixir, etc into their own Drop Down Menu)
• a 'Sell All Button' / 'Sell All below-Sacred Items' / 'Sell All non-Ancestral Items Button' (with the upcoming changes this issue will no longer be relevant)
• option to mark Items for 'Keep' instead of marking them as 'Junk'
• option to 'Salvage all below-Sacred Items' + an option to 'Salvage all non-Ancestral Items' (with the upcoming changes this issue will no longer be relevant)

​
Balance (Combat)

• Skeletal Ballistas targeting Players from Off-Screen / dealing too much damage
• "fix" One-Shot-Mechanics
• Increased Base Movement Speed (at higher Character Levels / at Level 100 / +#% all ## Level)
• 2 Evade Charges from Level 1 (or at higher levels / or 2 from the start and +1 all ## Level)
• rework the Suppressor Elite Affix (is reworked: now no longer is active permanently on an Elites and also drops when the Elite is Hard CC'ed)
• Limit / reduce CC in higher dungeon difficulties (lets see how this will turn out)

​
Mount

• additional Charges for the Mount (at higher Character Levels, as rewards, etc)
• let us use Mount Charges in Town (to more quickly maneuver between artisans, etc)
• reduced Mount / Dismount Cooldowns
• Faster Mount / longer Spur
• Improve Mount Maneuverability / Smoothness / getting stuck on minor obstacles
• Mount should break through Barricades

​
Leveling / Campaign / Dungeons / Endgame / Uberbosses

• Event Tracker List / UI
• let us fight Campaign Bosses again outside of the Campaign (maybe as additional Uberbosses or Worldbosses)
• fix the bug of Enemies spawning behind closed doors / gates, which prevents to open the gate in the first place
• immediately port us into a Nightmare Dungeon directly after a Nightmare Sigil has been activated
• make Nightmare Dungeon Icons easier to see / easier to re-find on the map
• endgame tree of whispers quests
• increased Drop Rates for Summoning Materials (to summon Uber Duriel, etc) - (some even suggest that Uber Duriel should not require any materials to summon, b/c you still have to fight him to have a small chance to get a Uber Unique)
• Uber Lilith boss fight should be improved, the attacks should be better visible and visually line up.
• some people suggest that Uber Duriel should be harder, while at the same time also drop more rewarding items or drop Uber Uniques more frequently.
• some people suggest that Items dropped by Uber Duriel should always have maxed Affixes
• increased Mob Density during Helltides (Season 4 Patch)
• partially / indirectly addressed some people request Cinders to 1) be account wide, 2) have no Cinder Penalty on death, and 3) persist to next Helltide... EDIT: has been partially/indirectly addressed by increasing the frequency of Helltides, but some people reported that this is not enough
• some players suggest / request to no longer hide Helltide Chest Icon on the Map, because it just redirects player traffic to 3'rd party websites (additional update in Patch 1.3.0: icons for Helltide Chest of Mysteries and Living Steel Chest have been updated to make them more visually distinctive from the other chest icons)
• increased frequency of Helltides
• more XP / Rewards for Side Quests / Whispers / Overworld Events / Helltides / PvP
• Better Notifications (in Chat and or "Popup Notifications") for Worldbosses, Legion Events, etc.
• let us teleport directly into a Nightmare Dungeon
• "something to do" in the Endgame aside from Uber-Lilith (e.g. additional Uberbosses, Uber Events, Uber Challenges, etc) (lets see how this will work once implemented)
• Uber Lilith should have a (noticeable) increased Chance to drop Uber Uniques (Uber Bosses will now have higher chances for Uber Uniques)

​
Season Specific

• Minor Bug: Season 2 Materials are still dropping in Season 3
• Season 3 (partially addressed, but overall noticeably improved) - requests for improving the Season Mechanics, Traps, Rewards, the Companion, etc - has been quickly addressed via numerous adjustments
• (Season 2 issue) fix the issue where Potent Blood is dropping within a fountain, making it impossible picking it up

​
Technical & Bugs

• general request: reduce Lag / Stutter
• keep an instance of a Nightmare Dungeon open for ~5 minutes after disconnect
• bug of characters getting stuck / floating in various ways under certain conditions
• the camera should be zoomed out more by default (or as an option) (Season 4 Patch)
• fix the GPU Memory Leak Issue
• improvements and Bug Fixes to Living Steel Chests (many users request less Cinders to open them and/or them dropping more Living Steel)

​
Other Quality of Life

• Respawn Point in Dungeon closer to the place of death
• the 'Scroll of Amnesia' should be able to be bought from a vendor for a reasonable price. Some additional suggestions: Scroll of Amnesia should be regularly granted when reaching certain levels. One Scroll for Paragon-only, one for Skill Points-only.
• Let us set the Townportal to a City of our choice.
• A way to save (a limited amount of) "Build Loadouts" (similar to D3's Wardrobe, but not as a replacement for D4's Wardrobe, but rather as an addition / extension)
• some ways to get at least smaller amounts of Platinum outside of purchasing something
• some people ask to keep the Gatehall from Season 3 (Season of the Construct) as a new (optional) HUB (a community discussion on that can be found here )
• the camera should be zoomed out more by default (or as an option) (Season 4)
• Nightmare Sigils: put the level of enemies from a Nightmare Dungeon on the Nightmare Sigil (in Patch 1.3.x)
• improvements for Gold Trading on Console (in Patch 1.3.0)
• WASD Movement (in Patch 1.3.0)
• Option to Refund All Paragon / a single board as a whole
• allow to disable Combat Text

​
Other

• some form of ingame Looking for Group Feature [suggestion by a redditor]
• additional gender-specific Transmogs (especially for Male Sorcerer)
• additional Hairstlyes
• Event Tracker List / UI
• Training Dummy - Training Dummy is there now, but some people also desire a DPS Meter on the Dummy
• Renown Rework (for Seasons) / let 100% of Renown carry over to Season

​
Recent additions to the list

• updated for Season 4 Patch, which included the Large Itemization Overhaul (Codex Update, all Aspects in the Codex, Tempering, Masterworking, Increased Camera Zoom, Helltide Updates, new Artisan Placements, adjusted Gem Bonuses, etc)

========================================
Tell us in the comments and discuss with other about which topics you think should be on this list to be highlighted, and why!
That helps us to update the list for next week.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/IcemanEx54
GM Locked Me Out Of Interacting With Other Players Because I Got Confused
Originally posted to rpghorrorstories
TRIGGER WARNING: manipulation, controlling behavior, sexism
Original Post March 6, 2024
I'm a player in a tabletop RPG campaign and I just wanted to vent about this session. The GM uses a "rules light" homebrew system and it's his homebrew world as well. He's been doing this campaign for years now, but I just joined through a mutual friend after another player left recently.
When I joined the campaign, the GM had told me he wanted me to be from a particular country as a prince, and since it was his homebrewed world, I went with it. The country I'm a prince of is a massive empire that has conquered many lands. I wanted to be a morally good character so I made up a backstory where my prince had a secret romance with a commoner so it gave me more empathy and understanding than my other royal peers would have. Then in session 1, he had the commoner immediately break up with me since the players were all leaving the city session 1.
Several sessions later, there is a carnival being hosted in the empire and all the players are attending. The players split up and my part began with my character watching as a mentally handicap child was put in the dunk tank and was being dunked against his will. So I had my character help the child and stop the game (This isn't relevant to the larger story but I thought it was really weird). Then I am told I have to go to the "main stage" which is just a strip club seemingly. And of course, walking around topless serving drinks is my character's commoner love interest that I made in session 0. The GM laughs a bit and comments, "Isn't it funny? Look at what your ex has to do without you." I have my character give her the shirt off his back and we go to the outskirts of the carnival to find a quiet place to talk, but then the carnival was ambushed by some enemies as arrows and fire rained down on the parade.
Suddenly, my character and his ex are teleported back to the main stage and the GM starts jumping back and forth between all the player characters asking what we want to do without any sort of initiative and if we don't respond quickly enough he skips to another player. I ask, "What direction are the arrows coming from?" GM, "You can't tell". "Which direction to the palace?" I ask. "You don't know," he tells me. I'm honestly genuinely confused about what to do here and my mind goes blank, but then the GM has my bodyguard (a Brienne of Tarth type) tell me to follow her so I do. As he cuts back and forth, another player loses his mom in the chaos, I tell GM, "I want to help him find his mom." "You can't see him" GM tells me. Then I ended up surrounded by 12 ambushers in the "Pleasure Gardens". GM asked what I would do. I say since the carnival is burning, I look for a piece of wood on fire and since it's the pleasure gardens maybe there's some oil I can spill and light on fire to separate myself, my bodyguard, and ex who are all with me from the ambushers. He tells me there's no oil and then I'm held down by the men. I tried to escape, but he says I failed (he just did a dice roll behind his screen and didn't tell me the results). I am then hogtied by the ambushers with my bodyguard and ex and thrown in a cart. Meanwhile, the other two players have stolen a cart and are escaping. I try to do a goofy wave as my character is tied up towards my companions and he just says, the carts never pass each other so the other players don't see you. Before the session ends he tells me my bodyguard is dead.
After the session, I think my body language showed I was a bit bummed. So GM pipes in, "You want to know why you failed that encounter?" He proceeded to tell me it was because I followed my bodyguard and there was no way a woman could have protected me and I needed to make the choice instead. Some of the other players chimed in and said it was surprising my bodyguard failed since in the lore she was a 20-year veteran who survived "The Great War". The GM keeps defending his choice. Then he started making self-deprecating jokes about how he just sucks then and he's the worst GM ever until the other players all reassure him it's fine. I kind of just sat there shell-shocked.
His system reduces dice rolls to a rarity and he does them all himself as a "way to keep tension". I'm honestly more about hanging out with my friends than judging the quality of any campaign or system but this was my first "combat" of any sort in the campaign and I just felt so helpless in this system and it was frustrating. Plus there are no insight or persuasion rolls, just what the GM claims "my character would know" and "how his NPCs would act". So I'm not sure how I was supposed to handle this encounter. Being a GM myself, I thought he was using my bodyguard character to get me back on track, but I thought wrong. I honestly wouldn't have minded if he was just railroading me for a plot point, but him trying to manipulate me and saying his hands were tied when he essentially locked me out of interacting with the other players for the rest of the session is what bothers me the most.
Edit: Changed gaslighting to manipulating since I was using the term wrong and don't want to dilute it's meaning.
Update: GM Defends Style And Told Me He Owns My Character March 20, 2024
This is an update from my post a couple of weeks ago.
One of my friends in the group reached out to me and asked me to not leave the group. He told me there were only 2 sessions left and asked me to stick around as a favor to him. I told him I'd reach out to GM and see if we could get on the same page. So I texted the GM and told him I wanted to talk because I had some concerns after the way everything went down last session. He was down and we talked on the phone a couple of days later. To my surprise, the first thing he did was profusely apologize. I hadn't been responding in our group chat, partly because I was mad and partly because my partner had a death in her family. I guess me not responding caused him to dwell on the last session a bunch. He said he was going to retcon my bodyguard's death and keep her alive. I even told him that the treatment of women in the campaign was bad and that it was making the story worse, he told me that it is something that he can work on being better about too. I was surprised, but all this gave me a lot of optimism for this conversation.
I was honest and I told him that his homebrew system is very difficult for me since I don't have a character sheet. So my character doesn't have abilities, he doesn't level up, and I can't do things like roll investigate or perception rolls which makes it hard for me to make informed decisions. I told him it makes me very risk adverse because I don't have things like HP to even know if I'm in danger. He responded to this by telling me I shouldn't worry about that because his GM style rewards me if I roleplay well enough. He went on to say he hates systems with things like perception rolls because that's "Not how real life works".
I also lamented the fact that I also don't get to interact with the other players much. I didn't mention this in my first post, but he plays with all of us in a Discord call but he only plays with us one at a time, and the two of us who aren't playing are expected to listen and record notable quotes for his notes. He'll switch between characters where each player gets 2-3 "scenes" in a 3 hour session. He has our characters all spread out across the country Game of Thrones style and I've only gotten to play with another player in 2 sessions so far. This was also why that carnival scene was so frustrating because all 3 players were finally in the same place and we were trying to find each other and he just kept saying, "You don't see them".
He told me that he doesn't do party-based adventures because you can't get character growth that way. I pushed back and said I've seen awesome character growth in traditional DnD style games in the past, it just depends on the group. I also said he's just making things harder for himself by trying to run three campaigns instead of one. And if we don't have character sheets and aren't in a party then this is all more dramatic improv than a tabletop RPG.
He responded by saying his way is better because it creates a real story and that I should be happy because he made me the main character. (I guess that is what me being the prince means?) He then went on a rant about how much he loves the game world he created and he's very grateful that our characters brought it to life. But then he says that since it's his world, he feels like he owns our characters now and that after the campaign he wants us all to sign off on him using the characters to write books and a screenplay. And if we don't he'll just change their names and do it anyway. He then thanks me and tells me that this campaign is the main thing that has been stopping him from self-harm and going to dark places. Then he says he has to go and he rushes to hang up before I can say anything else.
I'm dumbfounded after that rapid-fire series of bombshells. I've known since the first few sessions that this was barely a TTRPG, but I got to hang out with my friends so I didn't care what it was. It was nice to hang out with old friends a couple times each month. Then the story got weird, and there was so much misogyny, and then I had the horrible session that caused my original post. Then in this conversation, he throws up even more red flags that I'm not blind to, but he is also planting a seed that he may harm himself without the campaign which is not something I want on my conscience. I'm just exhausted at this point.
TLDR: GM says that abilities and parties make TTRPGs worse and he wants to use our characters to write books/movies after the campaign because he owns them since we're playing in his world. He says he may fall back to self-harm without the campaign, making me feel guilty for wanting to leave.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
ShitThroughAGoose

Any update to this?

OOP

I ended up doing one more session for the finale. There was some drama during that session and when I mentioned that I didn't want to play in the next season of the campaign. I wasn't sure if I wanted to post about it again. I might still, but I think I want to take some time and reflect on everything.

Final Update May 11, 2024
[Final Update] Moving On From My Toxic DM And Losing A Friend In The Process
This will hopefully be my last post on this sub for a long time, but I’ve been using this place to vent about my toxic situation for a while so I figured I might as well post how everything concluded and what happened when I left. I’m going to reflect on everything and recap the important parts so no one has to read 3 posts.
It all started when I decided to start DMing to keep in touch with some college friends after graduation. During my first campaign, one of the players, Pirate, asked if his friend, Colorado, could join. I didn't really know Colorado, but I figured, "the more, the merrier."
Colorado had some issues early on, giving unsolicited advice to everyone on how to play and viewing newer or shy players as “side characters”. However, he frequently missed sessions, only showing up for less than half of them for the first few years so nothing came to a head early on. Then, Colorado decided he wanted to bring back his tabletop campaign from his college days and started trying to recruit players after my sessions. Pirate suggested I join the campaign, promising that Colorado was a better DM than player. Since I had been the Forever DM up to that point, I agreed to give it a go.
I created a character who was part of the royal family but enjoyed interacting with commoners in the slums, even having a secret girlfriend from that background. After that, Colorado also started hitting me up to help with the campaign. I ended up photoshopping character art for a bunch of his NPCs and I even drew his world map for him. I didn't mind doing it, as I do that kind of stuff for fun.
For our first session, Colorado had already created character sheets for us based on our backstories, but only he could see them. Colorado would also roll all the dice himself so “all we had to focus on is roleplaying”. We played one on one in different "scenes" that could last around 30 minutes to an hour each. We usually had around 2 to 4 scenes per session, depending on what Colorado thought was important. During the game, Colorado asked us to write down quotes from him and the other players when it wasn't our turn.
I had to wait for well over an hour before I could finally play. My first session was on rails. I mostly just had to repeat after Colorado during a ceremony. Afterwards, I got to sneak out of the castle and meet with my commoner girlfriend, but Colorado immediately had her break up with me. Then I was told that I had to leave the city. I was essentially locked out of my hanging out in the slums and commoner girlfriend subplots. NPCs generally disliked my morally good character, especially my sister who was depicted as purely evil towards me. Despite my efforts to mend the relationship, she never changed her mind and Colorado never rolled any dice to determine that. Later Colorado revealed to me the character was based on his ex-girlfriend, who was originally intended to be the player character from my country before they broke up.
Eventually, I finally got to interact with another player, Soldier, who I had really good chemistry with and we had a really fun scene. Which Colorado exclaimed, “See! This is why I keep you apart. It makes these moments so much more epic!” But I’m just thinking that if we were in a party, every session could be this epic.
Then Colorado got busy. He went to some alternative medicine nature retreat and didn’t pay his rent the whole time he was gone so he got evicted. At that point, the campaign went on hiatus as people got busy and Colorado was couch hopping. It was during that time I considered the campaign over and made my first post because I thought it fit the sub. Then a year after the last session, Colorado started trying to organize the group to do 3 more sessions to finish the campaign. I just ghosted the group chat for a while, but Pirate’s roommate is a player in the campaign I DM so Pirate started hopping on the call asking me to come back for the finale. Pirate told me that it would be different this time because all of our characters were going to meet up for the finale and he really wanted to play with me. I naively agreed to give the game a second chance.
The first of those three sessions led to this post and this follow up.
[TLDR - I never got to meet up with the other characters. Colorado made my ex a stripper and I was captured by invaders with no dice rolls to prevent it. I had a conversation with him about my concerns after the last session. He apologized and agreed to make changes saying he needed the campaign for his mental health.]
Colorado decided to have a single super finale session, which I reluctantly attended because of sunk cost fallacy. I was imprisoned, beaten and whipped, separated from my girlfriend and recently resurrected bodyguard. A deus-ex ninja offered to help me escape, but I wanted to save all the prisoners. So I helped the commoners escape with the ninja before saving my girlfriend. My bodyguard got captured, but I made sure my girlfriend escaped and then I went to save my bodyguard because I wasn’t letting her die after she just got resurrected. I tried to find my bodyguard but every door was locked and I was forced into a long one on one fight with a guard that would make John Carpenter blush. I lost the fight due to an unknown -2 modifier on my fighting rolls, leading to my re-imprisonment.
Pirate tried to board a boat to reach my location, but was unsuccessful. Colorado informed him that the sailors refused to let him on the ship because they didn't like his tone. Fortunately, Soldier saved me and we agreed to stop the big bad and rescue my bodyguard together. With a squad of Soldier's peers, we pursued the big bad into the woods. Without any rolls, all the other soldiers were sniped by archers.
Finally, the two of us reached the clearing where the big bad and his followers were. We were outnumbered about 30-2. My bodyguard and the other commoners were tied to a tree. Soldier was the same race as the villain so he approached while I stayed hidden. He delivered an awesome passionate speech against the big bad's actions saying that it wasn’t what their ancestors would want. I’m sitting there waiting and hoping for a persuasion roll… and nothing. Colorado says the big bad doesn’t change his mind and he sets the tree on fire, causing my bodyguard and the commoners to burn to death. Soldier and I retreated into the woods to end the campaign.
Pirate was supposed to have a scene after us, but he fell asleep because it was past 1am. Colorado kept trying to call Pirate on the phone. I joke, “Hey, we’re old now, being up past midnight isn’t as easy as it used to.” To which Colorado replies, “I just thought Pirate had more respect for me than this.” The Discord call becomes quiet and after Colorado starts focusing on Soldier and I. He wants to know why we’re not discussing the ending more. I remarked that it was a bit of a downer and I’m tired. Then Colorado starts spiraling, saying that RPGs are just another medium that he failed at just like film and music. HE STARTS CRYING and hangs up from the Discord call. Soldier and I stayed on and had a short “That was awkward” conversation. I don’t know Soldier well so I didn’t say much about my grievances with the campaign and eventually we ended up just talking about Baldur’s Gate 3 for an hour.
The next day, I wake up to a barrage of texts from Colorado apologizing, mansplaining how hard it is to be a DM as if I’ve never done it myself. He then starts sending me messages with all his ideas for my character in the next season and how he promises I’ll have more freedom next time. I wouldn’t understand, but he NEEDED to do the prison sequence and my bodyguard to die for my character growth, but next season will be different. I tell him I’m not doing another season. Colorado replies saying that he thought I’d say that because Pirate (who was apparently not sleeping) told him Soldier and I were bitching about the campaign after the session. Colorado said that once I get over it, we can start talking about season 3. I reaffirmed my stance. Then Colorado texts me one last time and asks if I’ll still make his maps and character art even if I don’t play. I said no again.
It's been two months since I last heard from Colorado or Pirate. We used to play games and talk about pro wrestling all the time, but now there's been no contact. A lot of the comments on my posts helped me realize I was prioritizing Colorado’s mental health over my own and I felt like it was my responsibility to support his campaign because he constantly referenced how important it was to his mental health. Intentional or not, he preyed upon my empathy. I’m not his Giving Tree and I shouldn’t be left a stump for a campaign where he doesn’t even want us to affect the world.
I sometimes worry Pirate is going through a similar situation to me, but for a longer period of time. Pirate introduced me to Colorado, and he's really loyal to him. I think that slowed down my exit from the group because I trusted Pirate to be my friend as well. I remember opening up to Pirate about a panic attack I had while Colorado was spiraling one day, and he just shrugged it off as me being dramatic. It's frustrating. I want both of them to be happy, but I can't make that happen for them, especially if it comes at the expense of my own well-being.
I ended up venting to some of my irl friends and they really supported and listened to me which is why I didn’t feel a need to vent here. I learned a lot about what not to do when DMing from this campaign and it made me reevaluate my approach to playing RPGs. Now I'm in a group with my irl friends and it's a blast. I can relax and just have fun playing again.
TLDR - I started DMing to stay connected with college friends who were scattered across the country. One player, Pirate, introduced me to Colorado, who eventually took over as the DM. Colorado had some unconventional methods, such as not using character sheets and controlling all the dice rolls. The game became focused on his storyline and my character had limited agency. Despite this, I gave the campaign a second chance. In the final session, things went poorly, and Colorado had a breakdown. Despite his apologies and promises for the next season, I decided not to continue playing. I have not heard from Colorado or Pirate since. I now play with my real-life friends and it's much more enjoyable.
RELEVANT COMMENTS/ADDED INFO
TicketPrestigious

Glad you're doing better. That does sound like quite a toxic situation.
If I've understood it right, the stuff with Pirate 'falling asleep' but actually listening in to you and Soldier talking feels like a massive red flag to me. I understand worrying about him since you were/felt like you were friends, but if he's enabling Colorado with that sort of stuff then it's probably best to move on.

OOP

Yeah even the best case would be that Pirate woke up after Colorado left the call and just overheard Soldier and me talking without us realizing because his mic was muted and we assumed he had passed out and then he snitched after which is still a bad look tbh. I had been distancing myself from Pirate since he invalidated my panic attack prior to this. It's just hard to be vulnerable with someone again after that.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP
DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

This is SO long and rambly, I'm reading it over and I already dislike it, I think I'm very superficial in this. But if you want to, I'd luv if you'd skim it or read the end questions to see if you have any answers.
He's just a friend. We met online when I was 17 and he was 16 and we were just friends for the next four years but then all of a sudden last year I got a crush on him out of nowhere and it just progressed into this Thing, this devotion. I used to care a normal amount and we would have meaningful conversations and it just worked. And then when he became my favorite person, it turned into torture. When he talked to me it was euphoria, but when he didn't respond I would sob and cut myself. He's the only thing I think about, every day I have conversations with him in my head just to feel comforted. He's a good friend and he has said he cares about me in the past but I feel him gradually getting farther and farther away because his band is taking off and he's getting more friends and confidence and awareness and wisdom and I'm not growing at all. I can't. He sees that. He's repulsed by my depression, even though when I met him he was severely depressed, and he seems to dislike me and the worst part is that I told him I liked him last summer and he asked me to send him pictures of myself naked. And I did it and I felt so happy and I kept doing it over and over again whenever he asked, even though I knew he didn't care about me. He even said so. I asked how he felt about me liking him and he said he didn't feel anything at all and he didn't care either way. And then last month, we hooked up, and I was so nervous and excited, I felt like I was on coke, and it was good and I felt happy. But he has other options and opportunities, and things that make him happy, and my main thing is him. I need to pull myself out of the mud and let him go, because he's onto better things. And I need to fill my life with projects and things that I'm passionate about, and I know that, but all I want is him. It stings that he has so many friends, because I get jealous of people that have friends. I used to have a whole network of friends that I loved very very much, and then I went through psychosis and became the crazy girl and everyone disowned me. And I noticed that some of his new friends are in the same group as the people who disowned me. All I can think about is him befriending them and leaving me behind. The ones who think I'm a total freak loser. And the thing is those people label themselves as freaks, they're alt and different and outcasts and I don't even fit in with them, I'm stiff and depressed and awkward now and nothing like how I was and I don't know if I can ever be that person again. I feel like a total loser, I feel like I'm totally broken and I don't have a chance of ever talking to him again. And I know he's said he gets worried about me, which might mean he cares, he said that right before we hooked up last month, but it just seems like he's on his way out and I have to be strong and say goodbye and all I want to do is text him but I don't know what I would say or if it would bother him, and I'm trying to figure out with online tarot cards how he sees me and they all show me images of people that look repulsive. And I don't know if it's all in my head or if I'm picking up on something real, I feel a burning sensation every time I see his success because that means that he'll just see me as more and more lame and worthless. And I don't even know if he's the type of person that thinks of people that way, but I'm afraid he is. It''s likely he is. I long to talk to him and I don't even know why him exactly, it's just this feeling and it's all consuming, it feels so empty thinking about not talking to him and I think it will feel better once I just rip the bandaid off and start doing things for myself but I don't know if I'm strong enough. I will keep telling myself that I am strong. But so many times I said I'm done with him and I'm focusing on my self worth, and then it's like a total riptide back to him. I'm so sad and I wish i could cry more about it but I just feel a burning sensation in my solar plexus like always now. I think that's where I store my sadness, but I don't know. What do I do when I don't even know reality, I don't even know what he thinks of me, or if he's done with me, or if he doesn't even have an opinion of me that much. It seems like it would be so easy for him to lose contact with me and not care, he has so many opportunities and options, he's like a kid in a candy shop and I'm like a kid who's starving and just found a lollipop. I'm gonna cling onto that lollipop for as long as possible and I'm not gonna let it go, and I'm trying to eat the stick to get the same feeling I got when I first started it. The world feels empty without him, and he doesn't feel the same way. It's like a dagger in my gut. I don't know what reality is, I don't know if we're fine or if he's put off by me, and I only get to surface from this dark pond once in a while and see that it doesn't matter, before I get pulled back in.
TL;DR What do I do so I don't go crazy being inexplicably tethered to someone who I think feels nothing for me if not repulsion? Should I just text him, because nothing concrete has happened at all between us, other than him leaving me on read a couple times? How do you guys deal with saying goodbye to your FP and what do you do to cope with it? I'm going back and forth between he's fine with me and he's repulsed by me, do you have any coping skills for this? Or coping skills for anything else I mentioned? I feel very vulnerable right now, I have total tunnel vision emotionally right now, and I'm aware I sound superficial but I'm pretty damn scattered rn, anyway I would absolutely love some other bpd ppl to share. Thank u <3

Had a huge crush on my coworker. We started hanging out platonically outside of work. We have a lot in common it’s crazy. I showed hints of flirting but he wouldn’t make a move.
Decided to move on so started seeing someone else (M24) but I don’t see potential with him.
I go over to (M30)s house to hangout one day. I flirt and surprisingly it worked and we kissed and confessed to liking eachother. He says but don’t have expectations because I disappoint everyone. Okay whatever.
I discover he has avoident attachment style, he is bad with showing affection verbally. He will compliment my appearance like my butt or my hair. He will never be overtly affectionate like “you look beautiful today” or “I’m glad to see you, I always have a good time with you” like he doesn’t lay it on thick. Which I’m trying to get used to but it makes me feel dry.
I’m trying to get used to that he shows affection with physical touch and quality time. I just want it to feel more desired and like a woman as in I want to be romanced and flirted with. I guess he’s not used to that sort of thing.
One day I went over to his place and at the end of the night I tried initiate sex and he basically said something that really killed the mood and made me feel we were not compatible at all sexually. Basically he said he doesn’t like kissing, even though we kissed all the time and he would get hard immediately.
I cried and left feeling like we are over and then I spent the next 2-3 weeks getting over him and I did. Because that really turned me off. And we didn’t talk about it afterwards I just saw him a few times at work.
3 weeks later at work he finally talks about it and says he’s sorry and he didn’t even mean it that he doesn’t like kissing, he was just tired and not in the mood and he didn’t know how to say that. And he wants to see me again.
I said okay I’ll give it another shot but I feel like the flame has been blown out even though I noticed him giving me more physical affection. I just don’t feel like a girl that’s being romanced I feel like friend and it sucks because I think he is trying.
We only work together once a week and our schedules are out of synch.
Going back to the (M24) I was seeing briefly. He was like the apposite. He likes me and made sure I knew it. Always flirting and compliment me and we would call whenever we get the chance and fall asleep on the phone together. I think that’s how it should be when you’re dating someone. Not just seeing them once a week with no calls no texts.
I’m just sad because I was really into him but I think I need more attention and to feel special.
I can only see him on Fridays and he has dnd every other Friday. So basically I see him once every two weeks.
And if I tell him I want more affection he’ll probably just give up and say that’s not who he is. I don’t feel the flame I had because of this coldness I don’t feel like a girl.
Also I can’t give him too much affection because he gets uncomfortable by it.
It’s also possible I’m too used to being love bombed and used to dating “players” that are more flirty and confident. I love him because he is not like the others I dated. He’s a good man but it’s just this lack of intimacy and attention that’s making me feel dry.

I (26F) have been feeling apathetic toward my boyfriend (26M) of 4 years now.
To start, we met on tinder and had so much in common. We lived at our parents houses and did not have a place to be intimate for 1 1/2 years before I got the chance to move out finally. We still were intimate, but it was difficult and I mostly would set things up for us to be comfortable. Going as far as getting a cabin stay for us. My main reason to move out from my parent's house was just so I could have a place I could finally be intimate with him. He never had that motivation.
We met our senior year of college, graduated together. He took a gap year to work and apply to schools. He got into a school one state away and we went "long distance" for 2 years. While he was away for school it was extremely hard for me emotionally to cope. Here I was, asking repeatedly when we could see each other with respect to his school schedule and he just wouldn't really gaf. Come his third year and he has a mental breakdown and takes a years medical leave from school. I was just chugging along, struggling through the distance, and now he's back home for a year, but that just means another year our life is delayed. I was always very careful of not talking about the future with him (not wanting to pressure him about kids/marriage). During his mental break he turns to me and asks that all we talk about is our future together and that I'd be there for him and how many kids I'd want to have with him. I entertained the conversation. In truth, I have stuck by him this entire time, even when he'd ignore me entirely because of "school"
During our relationship, I took hormonal birth control. I even got an IUD because I was not looking to get pregnant due to not having finances to support a child. The hormones and IUD messed me up very bad. To the point where i just got my second IUD I was trialling removed because I would not stop bleeding with it. Our ratio of getting off during sex is 80/20, and I have to initiate a lot of the time, he always cums. I do not. I wish we'd have sex more often, especially with how little we see each other and how busy I am with work and school. We have sex maybe twice a month? Not worth it for me to put my hormonal health through hell for him not to even initiate.
During our relationship we have not fought much. The one issue I always brought up was him not introducing me to his family or friend and keeping me a "secret" (I felt) for a solid 2 years. Every time I'd bring it up he'd put some effort in, but then he'd revert back to keeping me in the dark. Last summer his classmate which he does not know all that was had a wedding in his school's state so we drove 6 hours with my car to attend this bland reception where I wasn't even introduced to the bride and groom and left after 20 minutes. I took time off work for that bs. Then this spring his family member which he actually knows gets married in the same city, he never mentions inviting me. His brother and sister in law are in all the videos dancing. His friend took his girlfriend, but me? Nothing.
Now he's off traveling in a different country for the last month. I've been in and out of the ER bleeding my uterus out essentially for a month straight, going through a hellish finals week. Having my job jumping down my throat on numbers. I see him post on instagram videos of dancing women at a bar he's at. Mind you, he has never once posted me. I have just gone silent. i deleted instagram. I am on so much hormonal and blood clotting drugs I just have no emotional capacity to deal. All I feel is anger. And stupidity for putting up with this bullshit.
He texts me he's coming back but I'm actively ignoring his texts. I. Am. Over. It.

Hi- need serious advice. I know this is a novel, I’m so sorry but I would appreciate anyone who reads it. I’m a 20 yr old F and I live with my brother, 19 M, and my two parents. My parents are abusive. There is no way to get around it. Physically when I was young and mentally now. I can’t describe what they put me through now- it’s awful. I promised myself all throughout high school I would leave the moment I turned 18 but something kind of switched and they became more tolerable, almost nicer, so like a fucking idiot I stayed. I started my bachelors, started working and tried to convince myself it was alright. The other reason I stayed was for my brother. I’ve taken care of him my whole life. I didn’t have any other choice, and I didn’t think I wanted one. It was my duty to take care of him and I did my job as best as I could only being 11 months older. I have gotten in the middle of fights, taken beatings, punishments, paid for him, drove him, etc. Time and money I didn’t have to spare spent on him with no repayment, and I’m talking about he wanted a new $60 game so I asked him to help me while I cleaned my room (vacuuming, taking down dirty clothes, wiping down my fan). This has been going on for years. I was the one to complete his college essay, to call his advisors to get his transcripts, to do his homework, otherwise my ass was on the line with my parents. I have done everything I could for him. Plus, he didn’t even get into college because I told him he had to complete his 200 word prompt for his college application, leading him not to get accepted because he didn’t fucking do it. He’s in his first year while I’m almost in my fourth. I have had jobs for the last 3 years in my field while he has done nothing. I begged my parents for a car and drivers license for 2 1/2 years while he, at 19, only got his 4 months ago. He does the bare minimum. Less than that, actually. The night before fall semester started he got into a fight with my father, physically, left the house, and made me go looking for him and try to convince him to go back home until 5am. To say my semester was fucked after that is an understatement. It’s constant but I stay because I’m his sister. It’s my job. It’s also a cultural thing I guess. I know I’m venting but I’m getting to the point I promise. A month ago I asked him to help me clean my room so that I could study since he has a habit of fucking his room up, coming and staying in my room, taking up my bed, and asking me to buy him food. I had just returned from the library, brought him Taco Bell, and wanted to clean a bit before continuing to study for my final the next day. To be clear, if I didn’t pass this class I wouldn’t be on track to graduate or get into my optometry program. He said he didn’t want to help and bitched and moaned but when I pointed out that I had gone out of my way to get Taco Bell for him he agreed to aid. I asked him to just bring up some cleaning stuff and take down my clothes so I could have them clean for work and he left. After an hour or so of waiting for him (yes I was procrastinating and purposely didn’t ask why he was taking so long) I heard him come upstairs with a plate full of sandwiches and go into his room. I was pissed. I started to text him, angrily and cursing I’ll admit, about him not doing shit and being so annoying. I called him a bum for never following on his promises or doing absolutely fucking anything. He started texting in all caps not to call him that otherwise he swore to god I would regret it, and I, being the person that I am (a fucking idiot) called him it again. He rushed out of his room, kicked open my door and threw his phone at me as hard as he could and left me with a bruise. He started standing over me, threatening me, saying shit like he was going to throw me done the stairs, snap my neck, etc. I’ve seen him get that way before- he smashes shit to pieces, breaks anything in his sight, and generally destroys things. For some context he’s a big guy, almost 300lb and used to be able to deadlift 500+lb. I got scared, saw a knife on my counter from dishes I had yet to clean, and pulled it on him. He slowly backed off and went to his room, before I, again, a fucking idiot, called him a bum again. A stupid decision, I know, I would definitely be the bitch that got knifed in a movie and you’d cheer for her death. This time I closed the door before he could come in, he tried to break down the door while I was on the other side, and in response he smashed something made of glass on the other side and punched a hole in my door. I contacted my dad who was far away and he sent my mother home. My mother and I haven’t spoken to each other in a few months since she called me a burden for asking her to help me get my work clothes ready for the week. She came in, spoke to my brother I guess, then came in and spoke to me. She said it was unbelievable and she didn’t know what to say and when I explained what happened and then told me to study for my test. She also went back to talk to him and came back to talk with me, asking me if I pulled a knife on him, which I admitted to, only because I was seriously afraid of him pushing me down the stairs or knocking me out. After that I locked the door and when texting my parents about the situation they only told me not to worry about it, just study. I couldn’t, and I swear to god I tried, all night. I was scared and I think in shock. I got to the lecture hall early and tried to study there but that didn’t help either. I had done alright in the class, done very well in the lab, but knew I bombed the final. I went home and didn’t speak to anyone at home for days. After about 3 days I went downstairs and saw my dad who tried to act like it wasn’t a big deal. I explained how insane and irrational the entire situation was and how I wanted to move out. I couldn’t handle dealing with all of their shit, and if I was the problem like they said I was then I would be fixing that too. I have a very important board exam this summer that I also have to take to get into optometry school and I proposed that I would live on campus, only for the summer. He refused, angrily saying that it wasn’t me place to move out, that he would never support me, and that if that’s what I wanted to do I could get the fuck out right now. A few things- I pay partially for my school. I don’t make much but I put a lot of what I do have toward school and the rest towards little things for me and my brother. Secondly, almost every single thing within my bedroom I have paid for. Excluding the mattress, furniture, and my phone, I have paid for everything I need or want through hard work. Thirdly, both my parents are currently unemployed but wealthy. Wealthy enough that they can go on vacations, pay for four cars, go out with their friends, and pay for their son’s tuition with no hassle. It’s only mine that poses a problem, which is the reason they let me work. They attempt to dictate how I should spend my money constantly. The argument went on for an hour, him accusing me of failing because I chose to, him proposing that he get a lock for my door, telling me I could move into the basement, etc. When my father refused to budge I went upstairs, used a loc that I had bought for when your staying at a hotel to barricade the door and have not spoken to him since. It has been a month now and I have not spoke to anyone in person, though my mother has been trying to guilt me into making me give up my refrigerator in my room by telling me my grandfather is in hospice, there will be a funeral soon, and me having that fridge is making me too fat to be presentable, as well as trying to be nice and hugging me when I have to leave for work in the morning. Now, with all of that context, here’s what’s going on. Since the entire incident happened I have been trying to figure out a way to leave. I have looked into campus housing but it’s an additional $7000 per semester that I don’t think I can afford even if I take out student loans and do FAFSA. I’m scared of the position. It’ll put me in when it comes to going to school. I do have another choice though. I recently toured an apartment complex that is beautiful it’s my dream place and the rent is less than $1500 a month. The only problem is that I only currently make being part time 12 to 1300 a month I just got a raise to $18 an hour but even then that’s not gonna be enough to cover it if I’m going to school at the same time, I’ve looked into some options and FAFSA and loans wouldn’t be able to cover any of my housing outside of living on campus. The only problem with living on campus is I can’t make the morning drive less than an hour and a half to work and I’m afraid with how it all affect my schedule and will to study. I was honestly giving up the idea of moving out at all because it seems so impractical and there was no way that I could actually leave and take my stuff with me without a fight. However, I recently learned that my parents tomorrow are leaving on a five day vacation to Vegas with Little to no thought of how that affects me and the position that I’m in with my brother, if I can figure out a way to somehow be able to afford the rent for this place afford a car to get to work because we have really bad public transportation in my area then I think I would just drop out of school and go. I love optometry more than anything and that’s why I was willing to deal with all of this but maybe school just isn’t in the cards for me. I don’t want to give it up but I don’t think that I’ll make it out of here alive, in all honesty. I can’t keep up with everything it’s ruining my life and I’m only 20 years old. But it’s so scary that I don’t know if I can even take the steps to moving out. I just paid tuition for the spring summer semester and have only $500 to my name. I would need to take out a loan to be able to put down the down payment for the car and the apartment and what if I don’t get approved? What if my work doesn’t give me full-time? what am I gonna do then? I don’t have anybody in my life that could help me. I also have a big family that would all be on their side and agree with them and what if I leave and they come back and cause a scene that causes me to lose my job? They would 100% do that. I know for some people it’s a no brainer but put yourself in my shoes. I have no money, family, friends, or support. At least here I have car and my room and sometimes they’re tolerable. I would only have to do it for 1-2(?) more years. On the other hand, this place is destroying me. I hate who I am becoming because of it. Would it be worth giving up my future for getting my dreams or moving out? If you read all of this you’re amazing, thank you so much. I can only stare at a pros and cons list for so long 🙃

(The post is slightly altered because the original text was more personal and directed at my friend)
All of this is stuff you’ve already heard before so this is just my personal looks at the album, its meaning, and why it’s probably the best rap album we’ll ever see.
If you have listened to TPAB all the way through then you remember that in the final track, Mortal Man, it’s Kendrick and someone else talking. I put this together and it’s just the conversation they have so you can easily read it and see who is talking when.
This is how I interpret albums meaning: TPAB is about the issues that African Americans will face due to the neglect of the U.S. government. The idea of the butterfly is a person who has become famous, or has power. That’s why in tracks like Wesley’s Theory, the opening track, the person talking says, “When the four corners of this cocoon collide You'll slip through the cracks hopin' that you'll survive Gather your weight, take a deep look inside Are you really who they idolize? To pimp a butterfly.” A butterfly is a transformed caterpillar, so in TPAB the idea of a caterpillar is someone who the government, or really anyone for that matter, doesn’t care about. Once they become famous (transform) and have power, they are treated better or like a butterfly.
Also, fun fact about TPAB that you prob already know. The original title was going to be “To Pimp a Caterpillar.” This was because it would then abbreviate to “2PAC” instead of TPAB.
Now for the conversation:
Kendrick: “I remember you was conflicted, misusing your influence. Sometimes I did the same, abusing my power full of resentment. Found myself screaming in a hotel room. I didn’t wanna self destruct. The evils of Lucy was all around me, so I went running for answers. Until I came home, but that didn’t stop survivors guilt. Going back and forth, trying to convince myself the stripes I earned, or maybe how A-1 my foundation was. But while my loved ones were fighting a continuous war back in the dirty, I was entering a new one. A war that was based on apartheid and discrimination. Made me wanna go back to the city and tell the homies what I learned, the word was respect. Just because you wore a different gang color than mine's doesn't mean I can't respect you as a black man. Forgetting all the pain and hurt we caused each other in these streets. If I respect you, we unify and stop the enemy from killing us, but I don't know, I'm no mortal man, maybe I'm just another n*. Shit and that's all I wrote. I was gonna call it Another N** but, it ain't really a poem, I just felt like it's something you probably could relate to. Other than that, now that I finally got a chance to holla at you. I always wanted to ask you about a certain situa--, about a metaphor actually, you spoke on the ground. What you mean 'bout that, what the ground represent?”
Friend: “The ground is gonna open up and swallow the evil…”
Kendrick - “Right…”
Friend: “That's how I see it, my word is bond. I see--and the ground is the symbol for the poor people, the poor people is gonna open up this whole world and swallow up the rich people. Cause the rich people gonna be so fat, they gonna be so appetising, you know what I'm saying, wealthy, appetizing. he poor gonna be so poor and hungry, you know what I'm saying it's gonna be like... there might be some cannibalism out this mutha, they might eat the rich.”
Kendrick: “Aight so let me ask you this then, do you see yourself as somebody that's rich or somebody that made the best of their own opportunities?”
Friend: “I see myself as a natural born hustler, a true hustler in every sense of the word. I took nothin', I took the opportunities, I worked at the most menial and degrading job and built myself up so I could get it to where I owned it. I went from having somebody manage me to me hiring the person that works my management company. I changed everything I realized my destiny in a matter of five years you know what I'm saying I made myself a millionaire. I made millions for a lot of people now it's time to make millions for myself, you know what I'm saying. I made millions for the record companies, I made millions for these movie companies, now I make millions for us.”
Kendrick: “And through your different avenues of success, how would you say you managed to keep a level of sanity?”
Friend: “and by my faith in "all good things come to those that stay true. You know what I'm saying, and it was happening to me for a reason, you know what I'm saying, I was noticing, shit, I was punching the right buttons and it was happening. So it's no problem, you know I mean it's a problem but I'm not finna let them know. I'm finna go straight through.”
Kendrick: “Would you consider yourself a fighter at heart or somebody that only reacts when they back is against the wall?”
Friend: “Shit, I like to think that at every opportunity I've ever been threatened with resistance, it's been met with resistance. And not only me but it goes down my family tree. You know what I'm saying, it's in my veins to fight back.”
Kendrick: “Aight well, how long you think it take before n***** be like, we fighting a war, I'm fighting a war I can't win and I wanna lay it all down.”
Friend: “In this country a black man only have like 5 years we can exhibit maximum strength, and that's right now while you a teenager, while you still strong or while you still wanna lift weights, while you still wanna shoot back. Cause once you turn 30 it's like they take the heart and soul out of a man, out of a black man in this country. And you don't wanna fight no more. And if you don't believe me you can look around, you don't see no loud mouth 30-year old muthafuckas.”
Kendrick: “That's crazy, because me being one of your offspring of the legacy you left behind I can truly tell you that there's nothing but turmoil goin' on so I wanted to ask you what you think is the future for me and my generation today?”
Friend: “I think that n***** is tired of grabbin' shit out the stores and next time it's a riot there's gonna be, like, uh, bloodshed for real. I don't think America know that. I think American think we was just playing and it's gonna be some more playing but it ain't gonna be no playing. It's gonna be murder, you know what I'm saying, it's gonna be like Nat Turner, 1831, up in this muthafucka. You know what I'm saying, it's gonna happen.”
Kendrick: “That's crazy man. In my opinion, only hope that we kinda have left is music and vibrations, lotta people don't understand how important it is. Sometimes I be like, get behind a mic and I don't know what type of energy I'mma push out, or where it comes from. Trip me out sometimes.”
Friend: “Because the spirits, we ain't even really rappin', we just letting our dead homies tell stories for us.”
Kendrick: I wanted to read one last thing to you. It's actually something a good friend had wrote describing my world. It says: "The caterpillar is a prisoner to the streets that conceived it. Its only job is to eat or consume everything around it, in order to protect itself from this mad city. While consuming its environment the caterpillar begins to notice ways to survive. One thing it noticed is how much the world shuns him, but praises the butterfly. The butterfly represents the talent, the thoughtfulness, and the beauty within the caterpillar. But having a harsh outlook on life the caterpillar sees the butterfly as weak and figures out a way to pimp it to his own benefits. Already surrounded by this mad city the caterpillar goes to work on the cocoon which institutionalizes him. He can no longer see past his own thoughts. He's trapped. When trapped inside these walls certain ideas take roots, such as going home, and bringing back new concepts to this mad city The result? Wings begin to emerge, breaking the cycle of feeling stagnant. Finally free, the butterfly sheds light on situations that the caterpillar never considered, ending the internal struggle. Although the butterfly and caterpillar are completely different, they are one and the same. What's your perspective on that? Pac? Pac? Pac?!”

As a Swiftie I was so excited to see how they would use this song when I found out it was going to be featured. The lyrics are just so perfect for the moment, almost feels like it was written for the show even though we know it isn’t lol apologies for the VERY long deep dive here! I posted the full lyrics below too. Hope you enjoy!
“One night, a few moons ago I saw flecks of what could’ve been light” - the kiss, Colin’s realization of his feelings
“But it might just have been you passing by unbeknownst to me” - Colin unsure of if Penelope felt/feels the same
“Life is emotionally abusive” - by his own words it’s been torture
“And time can’t stop me quite like you did” - his thoughts being consumed by her, hasn’t been able to move on from that night
“And my flight was awful, thanks for asking.” - she didn’t write him back during his travels, and he missed her. He boasts stories but we see later that they were all hallow and empty to him.
“I’m unglued, thanks to you” - he literally can’t function now. Also related to the previous line, she didn’t write and he lost his identity without her there to remind him of who he really is. Pen has basically been unglued since they met!
“Flying in a dream, stars by the pocketful” - both of them living in the fantasy of each other. So idk if this line is a direct reference to the book “Stars in My Pocket Like Grains of Sand” (likely is given all the stars/space references in the song) but there is a lot to unpack here for why Taylor may be referencing this text, but for the parts that relate to Colin and Pen, basically (very basically as this is a very complex work) it’s a sci-fi story about two beings who find their perfect impossible match among the vast universe and what implications does that have among the intergalactic universe and politics. One of the main points of the novel is asking the reader to challenge societal rules about love and desire and how the main character’s desire for the other was not the societal norm and they are breaking these norms. There is a binary world but they don’t play in the binary rules.
The chorus: self explanatory it’s about thinking it’s unbelievable that someone you’ve wanted for so long could want you back. It’s rare and weird to see, “like snow on the beach.”
“You wanting me tonight feels impossible” - can be seen from both Penelope and Colin here thinking their feelings are never going to be reciprocated.
“But it’s coming down, no sound, it’s all around” - they see it but can’t believe it, it’s overcoming them, surrounding them, but it doesn’t feel real. Penelope doubting the things she’s seeing because she’s been burned by reading the signs wrong for so long. Colin seeing Pen take Debling’s hand to dance, walking away from him so she must not feel the same. Both trying to deny it but it’s happening, it doesn’t feel real so it must not be right? Everyone else seeing what’s happening but to them they’re lost in their own heads.
“This scene feels like what I once saw on screen” - or in this case in the “silly” romance novels Pen reads. Colin rushing in to stop her from marrying someone she doesn’t love and who doesn’t love her. Knight in shining armor, Cinderella, fairytales, etc.
“I searched aurora borealis green” - I mean the green dress, hello?? Beautiful patterns and fabrics of green she wears all season. Colin searching for her through the crowds. Also the green aurora is caused by oxygen aka they need each other like air.
“I’ve never seen someone lit from within blurring out my periphery” - the world falls away when they look at each other. They see the other person’s glow like no one else. Two parts stand out for me for this is the sunlight that hits Pen after Colin leaves and they make their agreement for him to help her find a husband (she is left in his glow) only to crash back when the latest LW paper comes and she realizes what she wrote about him. And the scene at the party where Colin walks to Pen after speaking to his mom about having the courage to ask if she felt the same - the scene around them blurs out and the parallel of coming back to reality when Debling comes over. They’re so focused on the other they don’t see/remember the world. Lots of examples of this line honestly.
“My smile is like I won a contest and to hide that would be so dishonest and it's fine to fake it 'til you make it ‘til you do, 'til it's true” - the laughter and friendship they share, the giddiness when they let down their barriers and see each other, when they hid their feelings they are dishonest to themselves. I also like this as Penelope trying to convince Colin she cares for him and maybe if she shows him how much they’re perfect for each other she can will it to be true.
“I (I) can't (can't) speak afraid to jinx it I (I) don't (don't) even dare to wish it” - follow up to the previous line, Penelope never saying out loud how she feels for Colin because then it would be real outside her mind and people will break her dream. Also Colin not being able to talk to Violet about his question being about Pen. Both of them only dream of the other, unable to speak on their feelings because what if it’s all in their head?
“But your eyes are flying saucers from another planet” - both of their eyes speaking their feelings to each other when their words fail. When they look at each other they are transported to a different reality that seems otherworldly. Also see my notes on the pocket full of stars line that joins here talking about the universe and finding each other.
This is one of my fav ones because it’s a lyric-ception: “now I’m all for you like Janet” - a reference to the song “All for You” by Janet Jackson, lyrics below are self explanatory:
“Finally I figured out But it took a long, long time Now there's a turnabout Maybe 'cause I'm tryin
There's been times (I'm so confused) All my roads (they lead to you) Just can't turn and walk away
Well, it's hard to say what it is I see in you Wonder if I'll always be with you Words can't say it and I can't do Enough to prove it's all for you
I thought I'd seen it all 'Cause it's been a long, long time Oh, but then we'll trip and fall Wonderin' if I'm blind
Rain comes pourin' down (pourin' down) Fallin' from blue skies (fallin' from blue skies) Words give out a sound Comin' from your eyes”
“Can this be a real thing? Can it? Are we falling like snow at the beach?” - them finally thinking and admitting that the dream world where they are together is real. They are the rare and beautiful thing they deemed impossible. They fell for each other in an inprobable but real way. Two things (snow/beach) that don’t seem to be compatible but when they come together it’s the most beautiful and special moment like they should have always been that way.
Full lyrics:
One night, a few moons ago I saw flecks of what could've been lights But it might just have been you Passing by unbeknownst to me Life is emotionally abusive And time can't stop me quite like you did And my flight was awful, thanks for asking I'm unglued, thanks to you And it's like snow at the beach Weird but fuckin' beautiful Flying in a dream, stars by the pocketful You wanting me tonight feels impossible But it's comin' down, no sound, it's all around Like snow on the beach Like snow on the beach Like snow on the beach Like snow, oh, oh oh This scene feels like what I once saw on a screen I searched aurora borealis green I've never seen someone lit from within Blurring out my periphery My smile is like I won a contest And to hide that would be so dishonest And it's fine to fake it 'til you make it 'Til you do, 'til it's true Now it's like snow at the beach Weird but fuckin' beautiful Flying in a dream, stars by the pocketful You wanting me tonight feels impossible But it's comin' down, no sound, it's all around Like snow on the beach Like snow on the beach Like snow on the beach Like snow, oh, oh oh I (I) can't (can't) speak afraid to jinx it I (I) don't (don't) even dare to wish it But your eyes are flying saucers from another planet Now I'm all for you like Janet Can this be a real thing? Can it? Are we falling like snow at the beach? (Snow at the beach) Weird but fuckin' beautiful Flying in a dream, stars by the pocketful (flying in a dream) You wanting me tonight feels impossible (you wanting me) But it's comin' down, no sound, it's all around Like snow on the beach (snow on the beach) Like snow on the beach (flying in a dream) Like snow on the beach (you wanting me) Like snow, oh But it's comin' down, no sound, it's all around Like snow on the beach (it's comin' down, it's comin' down) (It's comin' down, it's comin' down) (Like snow on the beach) (It's comin' down, it's comin' down, it's comin' down, it's comin' down) (It's comin' down, it's comin' down, it's comin' down, it's comin' down) (Comin' down, it's comin' down, it's comin' down, it's comin' down)
Obviously this was a VERY deep dive but as someone who just deep dives Taylor’s songs so much it seemed like a fun way to take this song and relate it to Colin and Penelope, so thank you if you stayed with me the whole way. Whoever picked this was definitely in their feelings after hearing it too and had to include it in this season. I thank them for their service 🫡🫶

Last year, my INTP husband of 15 years denounced me over a co-worker he had known for maybe 9months. One day he went to work like normal, then shortly before lunch, turned his phone off and clocked out early. He met this person at a local restaurant to slander me.
Some context: husband (45M) is his company's IT guy. She (40s) was a newer employee that started DM-ing him (personal cell) without provocation, so I was told. Hubby told me immediately and I wasn't worried. He seemed to dislike her. He said she was annoying. As time progressed they became kind of friends. Just work friends. I encouraged it initially b/c he has nearly zero friends and she seemed harmless enough. I think she was new to the area too. Then I noticed she started sending him selfies and even nicknamed him. What I gather is that he did not encourage this behavior. He also did very little to stop it. At one point I insisted that he ask her to stop calling him Clark Kent or Superman or Boo. He did, after MUCH reluctance. If I wasn't starting to worry by then, the next bit took my breath away. He was laying on the bed texting her. I knew this and asked what's up. He was about to jump in the shower and he HANDED me his phone to read the conversation. ... He had started to share secrets. Intimate secrets. Ones he was ashamed of. To put it into to context, the very last time we discussed topic X (need some anonymity) he called me a fucking bitch. Yet, she texted the very same thing, and....she wasn't belittled. This is when I started to put my foot down about boundaries. And this is the weirdest bit...sometime here she gets a "stalker". Someone is emailing or texting or both and she is "scared" and needs the IT guy to help. He tried a bit but told her to go to the police
We assumed she had... until one random day. She cornered my husband and told him it was me. She lied about me. I've never met this woman. She had no proof, and if she did, it was fabricated. She said it was either me or him harassing her and she was going to go to HR. I of course didn't know this. I didn't get a chance to defend myself. Instead of going to HR, he took her to a restaurant to smooth it ove talk it over. He believed her. Instantly. Enough to turn his phone off so I couldn't get a hold of him. Enough to clock out and leave work early... He's never done that for me once. Enough to not want to come home. He believed her and I don't understand why.
And to be clear, this wasn't a moment of weakness. This wasn't a one-time deal. He stonewalled me for 8 weeks. Treated me like I was diseased and was contagious. He locked me out of his phone (HE had a no password rule on our marriage and that worked for us).
We discussed the situation three or four times in that 8 weeks and just when I thought he believed me, he would go to work and come back renewed in lies and distain for me. Over. And over. The only reason this behavior stopped was because I started to move out.
I never was told what proof she had. He wouldn't tell me. One time he was so SURE I was lying because HER favorite song came on a YT music station. How the f*** should I know what her favorite song is?
None of this made sense. I really can't get over this. It's been months and i still cry about it. I have never ever harassed anybody like that. I've never threatened a stranger, that's just dumb AF. Like, that's not me. I am ESTP, 38F. He wants to act like it didn't happen. He wants me to move on but I'm not sure I can trust him again. And no, I didn't get an apology for none of it. Not a real one. What I got was, "yea that's what I'm sorry for, what you said."

This situation is far more complicated and has been years in the making. If you want a rundown, I’ve put a TLDR at the bottom. I truly just need a space for me to type out my story and possibly maybe hear similar stories if anyone can relate. This is an extremely long post, and there’s a chance I ramble, so just as a warning
I’ll give some background before I say my case: I (22F) have been suspicious of my dad (50M) for the better part of my life. I have diagnosed anxiety and for the most part, I’ve thought my ideas and skepticisms on the matter as just intrusive thoughts. My dad and I have l always had a weird relationship. It doesn’t change how much I love him though. Even as I sit here today, I can’t in good conscience say I hate my dad. I love my dad. Even in his bad moments and questionable behaviors, hes my dad and usually my biggest of supporters. I think because of his bipolar nature it makes this situation so hard.
My mom and dad have been married for 25 years. Like I said before, they have four kids, both come from strict Catholic families, and share the same group of friends. On the outside, everyone can tell my dad loves my mom. He worships the ground she walks on, splurges on expensive gifts for her and is pretty openly affectionate. My mom, however, has never been vocal on her affections, inside and out of the house. Honestly, I can see how this affects my dad. Over the years, they’ve gotten shorter with each other, dad lashes out a bit more (something I’d say to remember as you keep reading), and will disappear into the night after a harsh argument.
I’d say this is where I start to get weird feelings on him. We all have a joint Life360. All of us, including our parents, can see where we are at all times. I’m fine with this, given at the time of this starting I was 20 and in college and I understand why a parent would want their kids locations. When checking the app, I started to notice my dad’s location being off at weird intervals of the night. If you have Life360, you’d know that it will tell you someone’s location has been turned off. Naturally, I’d ask my dad and he’d laugh it off saying his app was screwed up and he wasn’t sure why it was doing that and then 20 minutes later his location would be back on. Whatever, fine. The locations would only turn off around 11 P.M. on random evenings, usually when he was in town. He’d still throw the excuse that it was because he was just flying and airplane mode screws up Life360 (which isn’t true btw).
Anyways, I guess the meat of this story starts December of 2022. Dad’s anger is at weird levels. He’s arguing with my mom more and turning off his location. Me, being stupid, accused him of acting weird a few days before Christmas. Naturally he gets defensive and starts to say things like I’d never cheat on your mom, how could you accuse me of things like that, my phone is just wired. I’d argue back that I never accused him of cheating, just that he’s weird. That didn’t help my case. This is where his true character started to show. Threats of I’d cut you off from college (they pay for my schooling, car and phone), yelling at me for not showing respect for him, how he’s done so much for the family. After this argument I’d see him deleting no name contacts off of his phone after a conversation. I brought this up to my mom, and she tells me it’s probably work so I drop it. If my mom’s not worried why should I be.
After Christmas, we fly north to visit family since we’re the only ones down south. During our trip, he’d take my grandparents car (with their permission, these are my moms parents) to run errands for the Christmas parties that will be happening over the next couple of days. Once again, every time he’d go out his location would turn off. The tipping point for me was when he said he was going to fill up my grandparents car with gas. They live 5 minutes from a gas station. We had a reservation in an hour with his dad that we cannot be late to. My dad knew this. He was gone for an hour. Location off. He’s not contacting anyone, including my mom, on where he is. When he gets back, 5 minutes after when we were supposed to leave, he tells us all that there was an accident at the gas station and they needed him for a witness support. I shoot him down asking why his location was off and why he didn’t tell anyone this in front of my siblings, mom, and grandparents. They all laugh like it’s a joke but once I look at him he’s fuming. He tells me to get in the car so we can get to dinner.
Once we all pile in for dinner he screams at me, once again repeating the things he said before Christmas and how dare I accuse him of anything in front of his in-laws. When we finally parked the car and started to walk into the restaurant, he screams at me in the parking lot. My cousins and grandfather are standing outside watching him berate me in public. I’m 20 years old and he’s treating me like I’m 5. He told me he was going to stop paying for school and my rent this upcoming school year to teach me a lesson. I have never seen my father like this before, and true to his word, I paid for the first two months of my Spring 2023 school year. After some convincing from my mom, my dad texts me in March to not worry about the rent. I think after this is where I truly realize what’s at stake and what more I could lose if I try something like this again, and I never once verbally said he was cheating to anyone. Besides I had no proof.
In between this period, my mom and I have a huge heart to heart. I confess to her that her relationship with my dad is not something I view healthy, and I’m fearful that my marriage one day will look like theirs. I tell her I think she’s treated unfairly behind closed doors and she needs to step up for herself. She agrees but once I bring up divorce, she laughs and says she’d never in a million years consider that. She’d never get a divorce, and she kept reinforcing that. My parents are super Catholic, so I’m not surprised by this statement, but I feel like this paragraph is important to note.
Jump forward it May 2023. I’m off for the summer, in a limbo between end of the school year and starting my internship, so I’m back home. One evening my parents and I are watching a show in the living room. How we are all positioned makes it that my dad is in front of us. During a commercial break while my mom is getting water, my dad takes out his phone and starts texting, however it’s not on iMessage. It’s on Grindr. The only reason I know it was Grindr is because I have a few gay friends at school and I’ve seen some of their messages before. Honest to god, I’m shocked and paralyzed in my seat. What I’ve been suspicious about for the past half of the year is true. Just not in the sense I thought he was. Excusing myself to my room I go to recollect myself and reach out to two of my closer friends about the situation.
Over the next few months when I visit home, I start to document any instance I see him on the app or turning off his location. I have multiple videos of him texting people on Grindr. I’ve started to hint to my mom that something isn’t right and made out loud comments how weird dads been. Since last May, I’ve told my younger sister (F19) about my dad and showed her some evidence. She refuses to acknowledge the behavior and does not want to do anything about it. We’ll joke about it sometimes behind closed doors but when I bring it up to her today about telling my mom or talking to my dad, she gets fearful and thinks it’s stupid to do.
Which leads us to today. I am a fresh graduate from college. I’ve moved back home and am looking for work. And I know I’m being extremely selfish to everyone in my family for withholding this information. After countless talks with my therapist, she thinks it’s wise to not tell my dad or mom what’s happening, at least currently. Since I have been actually cut off from my dad and my mom has expressed that she doesn’t want a divorce and can’t really be bothered to look into the situation more, my therapist and a few of my friends agree to wait until I’m financially independent and moved out of the house. I think about telling my parents everyday what I know. But then I think of me, and my three younger siblings (the youngest is 13) who are still living at home, and the fact my mom is financially dependent on my dad. And I think the worst part and it makes me feel awful for even typing this, but it feels a bit easier to cope with this because my dad is exclusively talking to men. He’s not cheating on my mom with other women. My sister and I over the holidays looked to see if he had any of the other dating apps and we found nothing.
Honestly, a lot of you all might have read all of this and may still think I should tell my parents asap. Or question why I’m still waiting. I think I’m scared. I think I don’t want things to change. I don’t want to be blamed at or remembered as the daughter who ruined the **** family. I know it’s my dads fault and it’s not on me, but I’m scared I’ll truly lose my dad if I bring this to light. I’m scared my moms life will be flipped upside down forever. I’m scared my younger siblings will resent me for ruining our family and their cushy life will be lost.
I just needed somewhere to write this all down. I needed to get this off of my chest while I sit in my childhood bedroom. I’ve never felt more trapped and guilty in my life. It’s easier to forget that this is happening while I was at school, but now that I’m home, it’s harder to ignore. If anyone has any similar stories I’d love to hear them. There’s a lot more I’m leaving out so if there are questions I’ll try and answer them.
TLDR: was suspicious of my dad for cheating back in 2022 based on some behaviors and was cut off for two months when I asked what was up. Now I know he’s gay and is cheating on my mom and has been for maybe years. Mom doesn’t seem to worry/care about his behavior and Dad is still creeping around. Now that I’m back home the guilt of not saying a word to either of them is building up but I’m scared I’ll lose my family.

First Previous Next
Mike marveled at the beauty of the inner city. He was familiar with Kael architecture and had even seen some up close at the university, but it was far grander here than on Earth, and it was far grander in person than in the videos and pictures he'd seen. The buildings were a hybrid of Gothic and expressionist architecture built with classical aesthetics.
Mosaics, statues, and murals were everywhere, but despite the grand buildings and beautiful decorations, Mike couldn’t keep his eyes off the ground. Even the streets are beautiful.
The ground he and Dreki walked was like a freshly cooled lava flow paved by slates of colored glass that softly glowed in the dimming light of the evening sun.
As they walked, Mike was woken from his trance by the scent of meat cooking.
Dreki smiled and said, “Smells good. You hungry?”
Mike nodded.
Dreki grinned and led Mike around the corner to a food cart. Mike salivated as the flames licked and sputtered at fat dripping from hunks of what looked like octopus turning on spits. The aroma of meat and spices was intoxicating. Dreki ordered them octopus skewers. As he handed Mike his skewer, Dreki said, “You’re never going to be able to eat earth octopus again.”
Mike chuckled. “I’ve never had it in the first place; I grew up in the mountains thousands of miles from the ocean.”
Dreki looked incredulous. “Did you not have rivers?”
Mike shrugged his shoulders, “Not with octopi.”
Dreki raised his free hand in exasperation. “Whatever. Either way, you’ll be disappointed by the rubbery trash humans call an octopus after eating this.”
Mike took a bite of the meat and groaned in pleasure. It tasted like a beefier version of bacon. Mike wolfed down his skewer in the blink of an eye and exclaimed, “That was fucking good!”
Dreki gave him a “Mhhhmh” with his still mouth full.
Dreki finished his food and led Mike off the main road onto a footpath flanked by wispy trees with dark blue leaves.
Eventually, the pair entered the back garden of a building that looked like a melted cathedral. Dreki led him through an open gate into a well-lit waiting room and held out his arm. “Hand me your bag; I’ll take it to your room. I’ll come get you after.”
Mike slipped his bag from his shoulders and handed it to Dreki. As the herculean Kael was leaving, he turned and said, “Try not to scream when they brand you; it’s an ill omen.”
Mike drummed his fingers on the armrests of the chair in the sea foam green waiting room, which was decorated with pictures of duels and exotic plants in white and blue ceramic pots. He was pretty sure that more than one of the photographs was of Dreki’s father.
Mike was anxious. Getting branded would suck, and getting an AR implant would involve someone sticking a drill through his skull. And without his gargantuan minder, Mike felt almost naked. He knew that he would probably be fine, but this was the home of the enemy. Without any weapons, he stood little chance against any Kael worth their salt in a fight.
Mike chided himself for the thought. Why does everything have to revolve around violence? Is there no world where you can just get along with them?
Mike frowned. No. I hate them. Despite his barely contained rage, Mike felt nauseous as blood-soaked memories bombarded his mind.
He doubted that he could kill again, even if it meant dying.
Dreki’s not so bad; maybe out here, more of them are like him than Ocidea.
Mike’s melancholy was interrupted when the tall door at the far end of the room opened. A short, for a Kaelman, nurse wearing pea green scrubs walked out, locked eyes with him, and shouted, “Mike Anderson!”
Mike followed the short Kael nurse into a cream-colored operating room. In the center an instrument table hovered next to an operating table. Besides the operating table stood a middle-aged Kael with tusks intricately inlaid with silver in triangular patterns. His white lab coat had Chief Surgeon Athocill emblazoned over the right breast pocket.
The Chief Surgeon stared off into space, engrossed in AR. The nurse who brought him in pointed to the operating table. Mike sat down.
A slender Kaelwoman in scrubs and a lab coat identifying her as the assistant surgeon walked in and started arranging the tools.
She glanced at Mike and said, “Take off your shirt.”
Mike pulled the black T-shirt he was wearing over his head and set it on the table next to him.
Without looking away from his work, the Chief Surgeon tossed Mike a leather strap and said, “Brand him.”
The short nurse pulled a heat stamp from its case and rolled the numbers to their correct positions. Mike put the leather strap in his mouth and grabbed onto the table.
Dreki’s warning rang through his head*.*
The Nurse carefully placed the print plate just below Mike’s collarbone and pushed it down. The heat stamp's coils flashed white. Mike bit down on the leather strap as hard as he could, and his knuckles popped as he gripped the edges of the operating table as hard as he could. Tendrils of smoke billowed off Mike’s chest as his flesh was seared, and the acrid smell of burnt hair and torched flesh wafted through the room.
Mike stifled a groan as the nurse peeled the superheated steel off his chest. The Nurse set the smoking stamp back in its case to cool and picked up a small jar of viscous blue fluid and a brush. The nurse opened the jar, dipped the brush in the blue goop, and painted it over Mike’s still-smoking burn. Mike jolted at the freezing touch of the brush. His ribs and abdomen rose and fell rapidly as he took short, shallow breaths as the freezing cold shocked his nervous system.
The nurse put the brush away and closed the jar. “Done”
Mike let the leather strap drop from his mouth and put on a straight face as he externally disguised the pain. Showing weakness was not an option, even if every fiber of his being commanded him to scream.
The assistant took hold of Mike’s arm and spoke. “Make a fist and squeeze.”
Mike did as she asked. It was a good distraction from the pain. His knuckles turned white, and the veins in his forearm bulged after a few seconds of pressure.
“You’ll feel a tiny pinch.”
The assistant jabbed the needle into the crook of his arm.
Mike’s head immediately felt heavy, and his whole body tingled. He tried to stay upright, to no avail. His vision grayed out as his head plopped onto the table with a thud.
The surgeon looked to his assistant and asked, “Is he out?”
“Yes.” She answered.
“Let us begin.”
The assistant used a small metal tool to pull Mike's right eyelid open. The chief surgeon plunged a gold needle into the depths of Mike’s right eye.
The surgeon carefully pulled the needle from the human’s eye and set the syringe back down on the floating instrument table.
“Targeting chip in place. Next stage.”
The nurse began rummaging around a drawer in the back of the room, and the chief surgeon plucked a gleaming silver drill from the instrument table.
The drill in the surgeon's hand whirred as he plunged it into Mike’s skull. After just a few seconds, the drill bored through Mike's skull. The surgeon pulled the drill out of the human's head and angled the bit down into a small metal dish that was in the extended arms of the assistant. The chief surgeon hit a button on the drill with his thumb.
A bloody, dime-sized piece of Mike’s skull dropped to the bottom of the metal dish with a clang.
He set the drill back down on the instrument table and held out his hand. “Drone.”
The nurse put an insect-like metal contraption that resembled a whip scorpion in the surgeon’s hand. The chief surgeon's eyes glazed as he entered his AR and took control of the drone. It popped out of his hand and burrowed itself into the hole in Mike's skull.
Inside his AR, he brought the drone to the occipital lobe of Mike’s brain.
“Deploying lattice.”
The arachnid-like drone injected small metal spikes with spools of minuscule wire attached—anchor points—into Mike’s brain. After just a minute's work, the surgeon had crafted a web of wires across Mike's brain. He brought the drone back to the center of Mike’s brain and planted one final anchor spike. A reel inside one of the claw-like appendages at the front of the drone spun, cinching the lattice of wires down to the last anchor point. The surgeon brought the drone around again, ensuring that the web of copper was completely taut against the human’s brain. He brought the drone back out and smiled ever so slightly as the blood and cerebrospinal fluid-soaked drone hopped back into his gloved hand.
Chief Surgeon Athocill smiled and jovially said, “Patch him up.” He was pleased with his performance today. This was the first human to get an advanced AR package, and the procedure went flawlessly. The assistant grabbed a quarter-sized piece of flesh-colored putty and carefully placed the small piece of skull onto it. She placed the putty over the hole in Mike’s head, and it took to life, bonding the fragment of bone back into place and sealing the surface wound.
The surgeon removed his gloves and began typing on a holoprojection. “All systems are operational. I’m linking him to the military network now.”
The assistant pulled the instrument table to her side and plucked a syringe filled with neon green fluid. She said, “I’m waking him up now,” as she plunged the needle into Mike’s arm.
Mike’s eyes flew open, and he grit his teeth against the pain. Tears seeped from his stinging and blood-filling right eye. Every heartbeat brought a jolt of crippling pain to his head. And worst of all was the searing pain from the brand on his chest and the aching cold that barely disguised it. Mike sat up with a grunt. Pain shot through his chest when he brought his hand to his head and felt the hardened disc of putty on his temple.
The surgeon addressed Mike with a soothing tone. “On the count of three, I’m going to activate your AR. It will feel like your head is on fire for a few seconds, but it will only last a few seconds. One… Two… Three!”
Mike nearly collapsed with the pain, but he managed to limit his response to a grunt. Light flashed before his eyes, and Kaelic text appeared in the center of his vision. The doctor asked, “What do you see.”
Mike answered, “AR active. And below that, it says setup wizard.” Despite his best efforts, pain was evident in his voice.
“Ok, Mike, I want you to think, ‘open setup wizard.’”
Mike blinked a few times. “Nothing happened.”
The surgeon said, “Think it in Kaelic.”
Mike’s brow furrowed in concentration. He was fluent in Kaelic, but not to the point where he could think in the language at will.
“Ok, I got it. It says setting menu at the top, and there are a ton of things here. Do you want me to read them off?”
“No. Can you scroll down?”
“Yes.”
“Good. You should be able to get the hang of this pretty quickly; it's very intuitive. You’ll see that there are a few HUD profiles that you can pick from. I’d recommend you start from profile two and then customize it as you see fit.”
Mike nodded as he selected profile two.
“OK, now think clear.”
Mike did as the surgeon asked. His vision was now cleared.
The surgeon smiled. “Feel free to fiddle with the settings, just think clear if it gets cluttered, and reset if you make a dog’s breakfast of it. You’ll have a headache for the next few days, and you may start having more vivid dreams, but other than that, you’ll barely notice the change. Just take it easy for the next few days, and don’t itch at your brand or your eye.”

Ok so my son turns 3 next month, my sons father cheated on me multiple times and i found out all at once about 2 years ago when i went through his phone. We split, got back together, briefly tried therapy and have been really good since Oct 2023. I found out I’m pregnant again and i immediately became worrisome .. i wanted a second child but i don’t know if we’re healed enough for that or if I’m ready. But he kept encouraging me to make our family bigger and how things are better. But I’ve honestly never fully trusted him. He tries to reassure me but i know he’s a liar and a narcissist and i already felt like “he could be doing something still” even though he comes home at reasonable times now, doesn’t drink as heavy as the past and answers my calls now either right away or soon after.
But this feeling is intensifying .. may be the hormones, may be intuition.
So tonight (about 2 weeks since finding out about my second pregnancy) he was drinking and didn’t answer my calls for about 45mins. And for some reason i just knew there was more to it. He comes home drunk and calls me when he steps out of the car since i called he had about 6 missed calls from me but says he was walking down the street towards our house because he’s smoking a cigarette.
I asked him why he didn’t have his friend drop him off in front of the house and accused him of being dropped off by a woman. He denied it, made jokes, told me how much he loved me and I’m being crazy.
He fell asleep and his guy friend that he said he was with text him asking him to go out. If he had really been with him and he dropped him off why would he text him to go out?
So i checked the phone. Def not as much things there as i found 2 years ago. But on occasion he FaceTimed a female that he has saved under a different name. And one of the females he was cheating on with me before .. was re-saved in his phone under a different name. Someone i know btw so i pleaded to him if i took him back he’s to never talk to her again. And yet her number always ends up back in his phone
Clearly i can’t stay. My mind still keeps trying to make excuses. But I’ve known what it was for so long already.
My dilemma is .. i wanted a second child and I’m really hoping for a girl. But i don’t know if i want to be a single mom of 2 under 5. And i don’t know if i want to go through this pregnancy and breakup at the same time. I’m only like 6 weeks pregnant at most and i contemplate just stopping it now. But i know I’ll regret it. But I’m fearful , like what if i can’t love this baby the same way i loved my first knowing he made me do this alone.