This is a repost of a comment I made on a different person's post, but I think it has great significance and thought it would be worthy of its own thread. I have had a lot of wicked lucid dreams, but this one in particular was long and felt as though DAYS had passed by, when in reality it was only a few hours of sleep.
This dream I'm about to tell was not one dream but a series of lucid dreams that occurs one right after another during one nights sleep. These dreams felt like I was living either multiple versions of my life, maybe my past lives? Or other peoples lives, or one life that all these events occurred over time. Reminder that these are all lucid, but the first few I could not control, but felt like I was watching a movie through someone else's eyes. And the last of the series is very lucid and controllable and very.. very.. creepy. I can vaguely remember most of the parts but I will try my best to get to the nitty gritty detail.
The dream started off with me in my apartment, hanging out with some friends (this part is NOT lucid), however, a part of me felt something strange as if I was very suspicious of the inconsistency of the dream and the people I was talking to within it. We were hanging out and there was a girl with me talking. At some point within the dream, I felt as though my conscious self was speaking in third person, and was explaining what was happening in the dream before it occurs in the dream, as if I am narrating the dream itself and I could see it all play out. I start to slowly realize what was happening and then the people and the girl just suddenly stops speaking and moving. Then it happens, I realize I am in a dream and everything stops and then fades. My dream suddenly changes into something else but I continue to realize it is a dream, but now I am watching the dream as if it was a movie, living in someone else's body or maybe it was mine. The next part of the series, I appear inside of a boat out at sea. It felt like we were sailing in a storm and I was holding onto a wooden beam. There was water up to my ankles and I was holding onto dear life. I could hear people screaming, the ship was rocking back and forth, crashing through the waves and I could hear the rain and thunder. I close my eyes at this point hoping that it will all past or I wake up out of it. While my eyes were still closed, I find myself laying on a bed and on my left-side. I could feel water but the storm was gone. I open my eyes and yes, I was right. I am laying on a bed inside maybe like ship, but it was flooded above the bed. I get up and see light or what seemed like a chandelier. I approach the chandelier and climb on top of it and noticed a strange man just a level above, signaling me to come along with his right-hand. It seemed like he had barnacles on his face and I could also see my arms and hands reaching up to him. Right before I could grab his hand, my next dream begins. I now find myself walking on a street and talking to some lady to my left, like were going on a walk. There were neon lights and signs everywhere and she was talking to me, and I just kept looking at her and wondering who she was - but there was a feeling of love between us, like she was my soulmate. I asked her who she was but all she did was laugh? We continued to walk and walk, and then on to the next dream. This next one.. I definitely knew it was not me because this person said my real name out loud. It was a dark night and there were what seemed like policemen holding rifles, watching us. There were floodlights and what seemed like a concentration camp or prison. The person that I was seeing or watching this dream through ran up to a group of other people and said quote in quote "I CAN SEE HIM, THIS GUY, HIS NAME IS [says my full IRL name]", as if he was trying to convince these people that I exist. He continues to argue with them and they kept saying to him, "What are you talking about?" And lastly, the dream changes again but this time it is completely different like the rest, and will always stick with me forever.
I open my eyes and notice immediately that I am in an outside restaurant or bar. Everything was blue, or there were blue lights. I was at a table with what seemed like people.. but not human? There were different shapes, and races, but still.. not human? They were eating and drinking, partying and chatting. I was sitting there as if it were completely real, sitting as if I would do in real life with my hands clasped together on top of my knee. I observe all around me, the hanging lights, the plants around me, the blue shade of the entire restaurant. I turn to my right and notice a somewhat chubby man, his skin was blue and he looks at me as if he knew me. Something inside of me clicked, as if I knew what everything just happened or everything I saw in the last few dreams. I immediately asked him, "what was all of that?" He shrugs as if he knew but refuses to tell me. So I ask him again, "were those my past lives?" Again, he shrugs with a smirk on his face. I question him again, but this time I felt as though I knew something.. "Is that how I die?" He again smirks but this time he says "I don't know, I can't say." I look down at my palms and kind of.. smile? I then ask him, "if not, then how do I die?" He shrugs and makes a strange choking gesture with his hand on his neck. I smile again and ask him one last question, "Who are you?" He opens his mouth and says "BAAAAA" (the sound of a sheep or goat), and then ends it with "lut" (BAAAAAA-lut). In my mind I am thinking, "Balut?" But a strange feeling inside of me tells me that was my name? My old name? I smile again and I stop questioning him. I believe he then tells me some things but I don't recall exactly what. The dream goes dark and I could feel my eye lids opening and slowly I see my bedroom window. I lay in that position for a few minutes and my mind racing at 1,000 MPH revisiting EVERY SINGLE MOMENT that occurred throughout the entire series of those dreams. Not an ounce of tiredness in my body, but completely full of curiosity, a feeling of fright, but also relief? As if I have found something out about myself or.. how I'm about to die? Did I just found out who I was in my past life? Did I have visions of multiple lives or were they all one person that lived a series of events? Did I have a remote vision of OTHER peoples lives? This I will ponder for the rest of my life.

Don’t post on here much but I posted once about this a few months ago.. for the most part I’ve been ok. Diagnosed in 2016 when I was 23, newly graduated nurse too, so that was great. I attributed my exhaustion to doing night shifts. Few months later my hands felt numb and that’s how I got diagnosed. Anyway, was on Gilenya for a few years, mild flare up’s and lots of sinus infections. Got pregnant so I was off meds for a few years while I breastfed and had baby #2. New MRI showed multiple new lesions but I didn’t feel any different but my neuro still started me on Ocrevus in 2022. Did ok with it, felt some leg weakness for a week post every infusion which always got better. Well I had my 3rd full infusion this past January and now my legs are still so weak. Haven’t gotten better. Did steroids, didn’t help. They feel worse than ever. I’m so sad. My neuro is switching me to Kesimpta but I’m afraid of that too. I just want to be strong for my little kids. I was doing so well for so long, didn’t even think about MS and now I cry everyday because just 4 days before my last infusion I have pics of me at the park with my kids, on a seesaw probably doing over 100 squats no problem and now I’m dragging to even walk, let alone walk up a couple of stairs 😞

It was a typical Saturday morning, I woke up, used the restroom, cleaned up for the day, and then decided it was time to lie back down. My family down the hall debated the usual political ramblings of mainstream know-it-alls while my TV was playing another one of my meaningless and thoughtless programs that helped me to relax. Everything was seemingly normal, how was I to know that closing my eyes a second time would be a fateful mistake?
Within my subconscious dreaming, I was venturing through the various lands and experiences my mind wanted to explore. It was in the middle of my adventure that an abrupt and ear-piercing ringing began to exclaim within my eardrums as my eyes darted across the room to determine the origin of the sound consuming me. As I slowed my breathing and began to settle back into reality; I began to realize I was immobilized. The feeling of a hand having feather-like qualities being dragged across my back instilled a deep panic. It was then I realized I was in a paralleled universe outside of time and the reality I knew. By this point, I felt I had no other option than to bend to the will of the spirit that lurked out of my sight.
As quickly as I closed my eyes in a desperate attempt to return to normalcy, I would not go without the spirit's "mark" across my back. A sharp pain between my shoulder blades down my spine would be its release of my body and mind. As I returned to consciousness I was able to gaze behind me seeing only what existed before I closed my eyes, nothing. I could feel something still within the confines of my room hiding within the shadows. In a second attempt to regain control over my consuming fear I began to realize what I had felt was as real as I am. The tv continued the same plot that existed during my frozen state and the conversations of my family down the hall carried on as I recalled during the transient state.
It was in this moment of realization of the reality of what I had witnessed that I saw it within the curtains of my window with an emotionless stare that said what it had come to do had been done. Its face had no resemblance to anyone or anything I had seen before. Its eyes were dark holes surrounded by what is best described as grey shadow-like skin with no sign of life, rather machine-like with no showing of intentions or motivation only that it was finished with me. My mind was in pieces and my emotions were astray, and no amount of contemplation would ever bring about a feeling of comfort for what had happened.
Forever cursed to wonder what the cost of lying one's head down may bring as I awake. Marked or blessed, to know or wonder, to seek and find... all of which drowned out by the feeling of what happened as I opened my eyes.

My husband (I’ll call him C) and I just bought our first home a few months ago. We were so excited, we got a great deal because the homeowners were eager to get out. Our friend is an inspector and made sure everything was in tip top shape with the home- told us the roof needed to be replaced and the homeowners immediately had it replaced and we went in contract. I wondered why they were so eager to leave… (to paint a better picture they were asking 395 and sold us the home for 300). C said jokingly I bet the house is haunted! But we didn’t care about that as we just moved from an apartment that was built in 1890 and was originally the town morgue. Anywho, we finally met the sellers to go over a few details of the home. The wife ,Alice, wore J.Crew head to toe, had long beautiful curly blonde hair and jingled from her charm bracelets. Her husband, James, was super shy and didn’t really talk. He was about 6 ft, extremely thin (almost skeletal), bald, and wore round thick black framed glasses and a sweater vest. He let Alice take the lead on showing us the home but he stayed close by with a smile on his face. At the end of the meeting Alice walked us outside to our car and after wishing us luck on our new venture- in the same breath mentioned they were moving because James was sick. We felt so bad for them, that they took such a pay cut to get out of their home and with how frail James looked and not having a single hair on his face or head, we could only assume he had cancer.
Fast forward 2 months and I had finally unpacked the last box. C and I were finally feeling settled in as well. C travels for work, 3 weeks out of the month to be exact. It’s always worked for us, I love the alone time and we cherish the time we have together. Thunderstorm nights definitely make me miss him though, and I cant watch any scary movies by myself knowing he won’t be home to sleep with me. Anyways, one day when he was out of town I was at home folding laundry in the living room. As I was getting up to grab a basket I noticed someone was standing at my front door. I couldn’t see who it was since we have some sort of marbled glass, and I definitely didn’t hear a knock or bell. I quickly walked to my room to wait out the solicitor. Then I remembered one of our neighbors sons was supposed to be going around the neighborhood to sell something for school so I walked to front door and no one was there. Shrugged it off. Then 2 days later I was watching a movie getting ready to fall asleep when I heard our garage open…. I quickly reached for my gun and followed my dog to the laundry room to peek into the garage, I opened the door, gun in front of me and searched the garage. Nothing. I looked outside and saw a car driving away down the street. Far fetched but I decided to ask my neighbors across the street if I could check their camera footage. Cameras weren’t working. Ugh.
I told C about what was happening and when he came back in town he put motion sensor cameras all around our house and quickly installed our ring door bell camera. And we took a trip to the gun range for target practice. He left town again the following week. All went smoothly until the last night of C’s work trip. I was laying in bed and saw through my closed blinds all the motion light detectors go off one by one in our back yard and then my dog jumped up right as someone started to jiggle our back door handle. I once again grabbed my gun and said to myself, I’m done with this shit I’m going to figure out what’s going on. I call the cops first, and they write it off as kids because of the neighborhood I live in but assure me they will send a unit out. I can’t wait, I go through the side door and enter our back yard. The motion light next to me turns on and I look across the yard by the back door there’s a man standing in the shadows. He doesn’t move an inch, hence why the motion lights are not on around him but I could see the outline of his body.. tall and slender… then I could see a shimmer- glasses? I yell out “I am armed and police are on the way so I suggest you don’t make any sudden movements” The motion light next to me turns off. It’s damn near pitch black outside, but I hear footsteps in the grass. I again yell “I have a gun, and I will shoot if you come near me” footsteps stop. I wave my hand to set off the motion detector. Light comes on. It’s James. The original owner. Standing 20 feet from me, smiling. I say “James, are you ok? What are you doing here?” No response. Only smile. As my mind races on what to do I hear the gate open behind me and footsteps… I spin around gun pointed to see April. I say “what the FUCK is going on” As she raises her hands in a surrendering fashion she says “I’m am so sorry, I saw James’ car was gone and knew he would try to come here… James has early onset Alzheimer’s… we moved so we could be somewhere more secluded without as much neighborhood traffic and I just didn’t realize he would have an issue with the move…”
Cops showed up. Told them everything was fine. Told April I can’t handle her husband showing up at my house anymore and she assured me it wouldn’t happen again…
James still likes to visit at night.
Side note: I have a relative with Alzheimer’s and understand how devastating the disease is and this whole situation is so sad. But as a woman living alone majority of the time…. Hell nah.

So i have been talking to this guy for a few weeks, he always sends voicemessages and we have been on calls talking. He said he really like me and talks about when we are going to meet. But i noticed things he told me didn’t add up. He told me about him bruising his hand, but the picture he sent within 24 hours was not bruised. This is only one of the things, at this point my suspicion got to much. I took one of his pictures, did some searching and found the actual guy hes pretending to be. I usually don’t feel comfortable confronting people so i have been very distant since. Im considering just ghosting him completely, but at the same time i want answers. Is everything about him a lie or just the photos. I really felt like he liked me, he once sent me voicemessages of him singing with music in the background which lasted about 30min, who does that? We also either text or talk for hours everyday, usually until the sun comes up but also throughout the day.

I meant “party” in the sense that the campaign itself never started and totally understand we all have busy lives. But about a year ago my friends and I decided to start a new campaign that would begin as a “who done it” prior to a tournament we would all participate in. We start at lvl 7 and just create wealthy badasses is what the guide lines basically were for the whole party. Other two members were both sorcerers and I was a bard who would not use instruments but allocate my bonuses towards stunts thats I perform. Honestly felt like I made my most favorite character ever and been dying to see what playing as them would be like. Sadly we couldn’t be able to find the time to start it yet and I can’t blame em. Life just be going on and whatnot. Each time we talk about it and remember our players we hype up the idea again and how we would play them. At this point I’m just dying to play them. Starting to give up on the idea of it happening but I want this character to exist somehow. If anyone is interested here is my character. Hope anyone enjoys it and sorry for the long read. Dm also has my stats btw, sorry. Feel free to talk about your characters also.
Oslo Winmore
Backstory Long ago- an outlaw named Lazlo Winmore had found power, wealth and fame like no other pirate during “The Age of New Beginnings”. Lazlo’s accomplishments made his bloodline wealthy beyond imagination for many generations to come. With such wealth within a family there had come a point where his lineage had adapted to wealthy behaviors and adopted similar mindsets to those of a higher class... Ultimately becoming what their great great great grandfather had once despised. After finding out the history of his family’s bloodline and source of wealth: Oslo Winmore had a moment of clarity. A vision of freedom that made himself feel comfortable inside his skin for the first time ever. He decided to became an outlaw of the sea with his younger brother in hopes to achieve the same notoriety of his ancestor by stripping themselves of all titles and possessions for a life of adventure. After a few years of unforgettable laughs, achievements and looting of many sorts- a tragic battle left himself and his crew on the verge of death with few survivors. Leaving the disheartened bunch shipless and broke. They were left off the coast of Windwall. His small group had to scrape up whatever they could in order get by for awhile. No weapons, no spirit, no destination in mind, they decided to settle at Windwall and wait until their wounds would eventually heal. Upon discovering the kingdom of Windwall operating in ways that lead to common folk suffering, Oslo decided he couldn’t stand the sight any longer. His group of friends started performing impressive stunts at a close proximity to the capital in hopes of obtaining funds that would later be used to aid those in need. Project XP had then become established as an organization of Oslo’s and provided protection to the lower class residents. Inspiring hope amongst the kingdom peasants, Oslo became a voice of the people. As these events grew larger and large they reached a point of success to where he became recognized by lords and the king himself. After word had spread of his amazing performances, his presence alone attracted many visitors to the area which brought economical prosperity to Windwall like it’s never seen. Many refer to him as “King of the Common” but King of the underground had a better ring to it in his mind. Activities in the shadows were monitored and eventually spearheaded by the young group of individuals to which the king had no choice but to look the other way so that his kingdom could still prosper. His image became a topic of discussion to both sides of wealth and poverty. Whether or not you loved him or hate him, he showed nothing less than compassion to those who deserved it. However, a strange new drug called “Baby Blue” has been invading the lands of Cornwood and eventually made its way to Windwalls shipment or substances. Horrified by the effects led by this drug, Oslo is determined to find out who is manufacturing and distributing this abomination and total buzzkill.
The grout: Home of Project XP Warehouse area where events are held and stunts are practiced. Some activities may be under the table and somewhat shady. Others are awe provoking. Areas include: Pray room, slay room, weight room, safe room, blaze room, trade room, stage room, boom room Entrance fee is lifted to those who are considered an outcast. Some are allowed to crash where there’s space if we recognize they’re about that life.Multiple areas are marked as “Danger Zone” where intense practices are held.
You are passing through at your own risk of harm. PROJECT XP does not take responsibility for any injury and/or death that may occur.
Project XP members
Oslo: Ring leade Daredevil Stunt Maste ((Considers Project XP his magnum opus. Has a lot of internal monologues)) [drow-tiefling Bard]
Knievel Winmore: Performative Arsonist/ Fire dancer ((Brother of Oslo Winmore, occasional loose cannon, wishes they were pirates again instead of performers)) [Drow-Tiefling Rogue]
Clam: Right hand man/ Tiger Tame Swordsman ((Always covered in jewels. Pet Tiger named Oro. Twin blade wielder )) [Human Fighter]
Boe & Beaux : Twin Bouncers/ HandyMen ((Unusual consumption, hard to give orders when names sound similar)) [Dwarven barbarians]
Aderet Lavish: Heale Illusionist/ Restoration Expert/ ((Gender bending abilities. Considers everyone annoying. Sees everyone like younger siblings)) [Wood Elf Cleric]
ROD: Announce Hype Man/ ((Loyal to The Grout. Merchant of illegal substances. Still can’t afford cost of living. Unable to speak quietly)) [Human -Monk Free spirit being]
Craddoc Dudum: Condemned Magical Scientist/ Cleanup crew/ ((Collects corpses due to stunt casualties. Research is unknown)) [Changling Wizard]
Bibbins: Demolitions expert/ Stunt Coordinato Enginee ((Ex mob boss- formerly known as “The Big B”. The guy who knows a guy. Old timer who can finally cut loose)) [Gnome tinkerer]
Patches: Practice Dummy ((Sentient crash dummy. Lives to fall apart. People tend to confide with him most)) [undead]
Masami Yano: Quartermaste Legal Advisor ((Constantly stressed. Former New York City resident. Had switched dimensions by a witches spell)) [Human Attorney]

Im 17 and Sonic Temple has been my first concert experience ever. Love so many bands here, drove all the way from Nebraska with my brother. I couldn't be happier with the experience and community I felt i was so lovingly welcomed into. I love every single one of you and I plan to do this more - this has been the best week of my life. Special shootouts to the crowds at Soulfly, Machine Head, In Flames, and Helmet, you all rocked!!!!!! Anyway - the main reason I'm making this post. My brother and I were hyped for Slipknot, last concert of the event, highest stadium seating cause the place was packed. We were jamming out, making the last show count, and the kindest stranger in the world notices how into it we are and hands us two VIP field wristbands!!!!!! We ran down to the field and got right behind the pit and screamed our lungs out to God damn Slipknot to end off the best nights of our lives. Thank you so much to the amazing man who gave us this opportunity and thank you to every single one of you who made this such an exhilarating experience!!! Sonic Temple you rock!!!!!

I dreamt this last week, but I still think about it and remember it clear as day so I just wanted to write it down. For some reason or another, I was placed in the middle of this quiet, rural type of town, and the setting was in the middle of the night. I live in a suburban city that's fairly lively at all hours, so this wasn't like home. I don't want to say it was like a scene from a western, but it harkened that type of imagery. I was with this group of people, all men, who I don't know in real life, and all I learned shout them through the nightmare was that they were friends of a friend of mine in the dream (who I also don't know in real life). Since I was the friend of a friend, I was sort of on the outside in this group, and was on the bottom of the hierarchy. Perhaps I was put up to this to "prove my worth". Anyways, everyone in the group but me was partaking in some sort of drug, it wasn't apparent what it was, and sitting in an open roof car just talking as they did so. They had someone, I don't know who they were or what they did, placed in some sort of box or closed contraption in the trunk of the car. How this person didn't suffocate first, I don't know. Dream logic I guess. Anyways, the driver of the car gets out, goes to the trunk, pulls out a pistol, and shoots him (I think it was a him) in the leg. Purposely doesn't kill him, and made him suffer. The driver comes back and tells me to finish the job. I skipped ahead for awhile in my head, because the next thing I remember I was driving in my car, that's my car in real life, down a freeway, which is one I take in real life to come home, with this person lodged in my trunk. I pulled over, took this person out, and began beating them up. The physics certainly gets murky here, but despite that I never take them out of their contraption, I get blood on my hands and the outside of my window, as it's splattered on to my car. Suddenly, I come to my senses and realize I'm acting insane. In a panic, I fled the scene, leaving the guy there, not having any idea if he survived or not. In the dream, I scoured the news for the next week, hoping to see any story of if anyone was found dead by the side of a freeway, or anything at all. Not a single story. I remember being terrified of any law enforcement that passed me in the dream, and one time what I think was about a week later, a police car with its lights on passed me in a residential area and I thought for sure I'd been had. But they kept on going. I was planning, if I were caught, to give up any names to law enforcement that I had in exchange for partial immunity. I woke up before any resolution was reached.
Why the change in scenery, from fake town to my car and my city? Why would I agree to this, even in a dream? Why would I start but then stop? I'm one of the least aggressive people you could know, so even dreaming this freaked me out. It felt extremely real when I woke up.

candles burn because my mind too weak to turn out all these symbols
they demand them keep screaming at em they wont hold your hand rotten land
symbols cut off all the symbols make them short syllables I don't want them to see my suffering, its just for me
we kept it a secret and you held me, I felt warmth but it was just a delayed mirth
soaking up the air that continuously grows stale god I can see how pale I am I don't want to please please save me from this endless sleaze that modeled my life since three empty single minded me
licking the taste of liquor of my lips I remember the life defining chorus and all its dips as it bent over the father a bother clipping into your head until you fall down dead the holding down the gasping for air the flailing all around
cry die scry look in the black mirror and see it a total lack of terror let my breath through your mouth because the warmth is all gone blond gone cold totally done and not very bold
locked in locked away nothing call into nothing continue to be nothing you are nothing I am nothing please touch me, make me something

so, i have an assignment that can either be done alone or with a partner. i have a friend that asked me if we could work together and i said yes. then about a week later she sends me a document of the assignment she’d already started, i felt a little weird about it because she didn’t talk to me about it and how to divide the work. and then i worked on it, the next day all the work i did was gone, idk for what reason because we were working on it in a shared microsoft 365 document. so i redid all the work i just did and then she asked my friends to ask the instructor a question about the assignment. the two questions happened to be about all the work ive done, i was okay with it, because maybe she doesnt agree with the work ive done. there was still a small section in the assignment that needed to be done, she worked on it and then i told her to tell me when she was done so i could hand it in. 1 day before the deadline she hasnt texted me, so i texted her and then she says she handed in a different copy and changed the format. i check our shared document and she didnt finish it and the format was still the same. i feel betrayed because i even double checked w her to make sure she wanted to work together. and she handed it in without even telling me. i want to confront her about it, but i dont know how to approach it, or if im just overthinking it.

I’m sorry for making this long, this is my first time doing this and honestly this seems more like a vent, but I’ll gladly take any advice.
I, 16F, am your typical teenager going through “girl drama”. I don’t want to complain because i love my friends to death, but this one girl I’ll call Anna, also 16F, is driving me crazy.
We used to be friends in elementary school, but drifted off in our first year of high school. One year she joined my program and we instantly clicked again. We were inseparable. We first bonded because of boys and crushes, but soon our bond became deeper than that. I was essentially her right hand man, I knew EVERYTHING. And I loved it. I felt so important and cared for, like i had one of those bffs from any movie on tv.
She introduced me to her friend group but it took me a while to connect but eventually I got close with all of them. Yet in the end I was always loyal, always Anna’s number one supporter. I feel stupid now since i only realized now, but Anna didn’t feel the same way about me.
It was nothing major, no large declarations stating she hates me, but I noticed things. I would open up to her about my crushes, but she would usually shut me down stating that I’m looking too deep into something that wasn’t there and was being “delulu”. And while she was right, it’s not the neglect of my feelings that bothered me, but the fact that she would then go on a rant about how her delusional crush brushed her hand slightly in science class.
And it got even worse when i went to her about real problems. When i opened up to her about personal issues, she would blow up on me, bombarding me with insensitive questions that honestly made me feel worse about the situation and then pretended like nothing happened! The next day she would go on about boy number three again! This caused me to have trouble opening up because i thought people would just dismiss me like Anna did. Thankfully i realized how wrong I was when I opened up to other people. But this isn’t even was disturbs me the most.
She would talk behind peoples backs all the time. And guess who shed tell? Me. And it wouldn’t just be the person who made her mad this week. Oh no. She would talk about our own friends! This really bothered me, since I wanted to stay loyal to Anna, but couldn’t handle hearing things about my friends.
But this isn’t what brought me to write all about this. This was all in the past. Why I’m writing today is because lately, Anna’s been excluding me too much and I’ve had enough.
Here’s a small example: In our english class there is me, Anna and our other friend Claire (who Anna has sh*t talked the most). We all sit next to each other, but the two other girls act like I don’t even exist. They have millions of conversations that never include me, and even when i try and insert myself in them they either pretend like I never said anything or change the topic.
I only noticed this exclusion because I felt so exhausted trying to include myself in the conversation so one day I just stopped. That’s when i realized they won’t even acknowledge me if I don’t say a word. Yet the one day Claire was gone, I somehow became very interesting. Don’t worry I didn’t start being her lapdog all over again just because she started giving me attention. I used to do that, but I was sick and tired of it so I just did what i always did in English class, pretend like she wasn’t there.
The point is I’ve made better friends and honestly aren’t as attached as I used to be to Anna. I don’t need her anymore, but because we’re in the same group I have to deal with her and her antics all the time.
If things were simple I’d just say it to her face that I’m tired of her and want to end whatever's left of our friendship. But that’s my real dilemma.
See, Anna is a huge part in our friend group. If we need to make teams for an assignment she has first pick, if we’re going on a trip she gets dibs on who she’s rooming with, even if that leaves other people to be left alone.
Despite this, everyone in the group loves her, and everyone in our larger friend groups also love her. I know that if it really came down to it, I doubt anyone would actually choose me over her. And even if someone did, I wouldn’t want to cause a fallout. I don’t want to cause any drama, but I can’t stand pretending like everything’s okay.
Every time I see her I physically feel disgusted and annoyed, but I love my other friends to death and don’t want to give them an ultimatum of “Me or Anna”. So, AITAH on wanting to cause a potential fallout in my friend group?

Am I the Arsehole? My closest friend (we've known each other for 18 years) and my business partner (for 7 years) recently had their first baby (via surrogate, he's a single Dad). I wasn't able to be with him during the birth as in took place in another country so we've been texting a lot. The baby was born 4 weeks ago.
During a text conversation a few days ago, I accidentally misspelled his son's name as "Jessie" instead of "Jesse". So I accidentally added an "i" to the name while busily writing out a message about him possibly being underweight because he was premature, I said, "Is Jessie gaining weight fast enough?". My friend replied "it's Jesse friend-who-should-really-know-that". Now, not having registered that I had misspelled the name, I took this to mean that I should know about newborns' WEIGHT in general. I was confused, I didn't think this was obvious knowledge. So not realising that he was referring to the spelling, I made the "Jessie" mistake again a second time a minute later. He corrected me again and I apologised and said it was a simple mistake. He said he didn't care, it's his son's name. Since then I have consciously spelled the name correctly every time.
My friend was very offended by the misspelling. For the last day, we've been having a fight about this - probably 40 long text messages. I've apologised a couple of times. I've told him that it's ridiculous to be punishing me with this argument for the mistake, and that he needs to have more understanding. He's said that I should know the spelling (even though we've never talked about how Jessie/e can be spellied several ways until now, I guess he expected me to realise). He's said that I haven't taken enough responsibility and acknowledged how the misspelling made him feel. I've told him to chill out, that this is petty and that he's blown this mistake completely out of proportion. I haven't made the mistake since. He's moved between calling it a misspelling and that it wasn't a mistake, that I entirely "forgot" his son's name. He recently said "a mistake would be calling him Jessr or Jessw because those letters are near the letter e. But you actually spelt out the whole spelling of the alternative name (Jessie) which means you actually thought that was his name."
I've felt shitty for 24 hours because of this. I've apologised twice but he wants more - to acknowledge how I made him feel and acknowledge that is much worse than how I see it. I just think that's way too much for what happened. As his closest fiend for 18 years, who has made a baby gift, is single-handedly running his business while he's away and has been checking in almost daily (apparently not enough though), I thought he might be a bit more understanding.
Honestly, am I the arsehole for misspelling the name?

I (23F) am expecting my first child. I was hesitant having my sisters keep the gender of my child and plan the reveal because I am very different from them and it’s not something they understand. After some conversation, I let them have full reign over the planning for the reveal with only one caveat… NO FAKE OUTS! I don’t like them and don’t think they’re amusing. I strongly and adamantly expressed that I would cry if they did one and I don’t think I could fully enjoy the real one if they faked me out (I even said that pre-pregnancy I probably wouldve cried too, but it would 1000% be worse emotionally now that I am pregnant). They promised they would not do one. Leading up to the event, whenever anyone asked if I knew how they were going to reveal the gender, I would say “No, my sisters wanted full control over it and I was fine with that! I just told them zero fake outs!” The day of the gender reveal arrives and I see my sister blowing up the reveal balloons at the party. A tiny bit of confetti comes out of one of them and I peeked (oops!) but the confetti was blue AND pink! I was annoyed but glad I knew that the balloons would be fake and didn’t say anything to them. When it came time to pop the balloons, I wasn’t surprised that they were mixed colors. They then rolled out a cake and had us cut into it. When we cut into it, we were ECSTATIC! Everyone celebrated immediately but we were quickly interrupted by my sisters mid celebration because the cake was supposed to be blue and pink, but the baker made it mainly blue. I was furious and almost started crying because they faked us out again and it wasn’t even a good fake out (I still would’ve been upset if it was a good one). My sisters then handed me a confetti cannon and I didn’t want to take it. My mood was ruined and I didn’t trust them anymore. We had 60 people there and I didn’t want to make a scene so I took the cannon and we did the reveal (it’s a BOY). Everyone was hugging us and asking how we felt and my only true emotion was LIVID. I didn’t even get to properly emote and be happy because they robbed me of it. I took a step away and went on a drive and sobbed my eyes out. The rest of the day, I tried to keep a smile on my face but felt empty (I look upset in every picture and video). My mom called me today and she’s mad that I didn’t properly thank my sisters for working so hard at the reveal. I told her that I didn’t feel much gratitude at this moment because in my eyes, they ruined my day and trust after I gave them full control. They chose their entertainment over my happiness on something they were doing for ME. I feel like everyone thinks I’m crazy but I’m honestly reacting how I told them I would. I will obviously say thank you, but AITA for getting mad at them?

Just curious to know other people’s experiences / feedback on the M&G? I went to the NYC show and personally, it felt so rushed. Both my friend and I were pushed (gently, not forcefully but still enough to be like wtf) by Robbie so that we would stop trying to converse and just get the picture taken. I hadn’t even greeted Tara and Jared yet so I did that and then he placed his hand on my shoulder and gave me a small push so I turned around and took it… and the pictures came out HORRIBLE. Super grainy and the lighting is off because it wasn’t focused well enough. Idk if anyone else experienced something similar but it was disappointing. The show was at 400 (full capacity) and probably more than half of the people there were part of M&G too. I get that venues have curfews but that should be taken into more consideration then because only an hour set aside to do m&gs where you only have 15 seconds to say hello and converse is crazy 😭 not to mention a stranger touching you from behind you with no warning, it was just uncomfy

Hey everyone, about me- I’m a 30 year old male in USA. Always been an athlete but heavy blunt smoker. I’m a picky eater but don’t eat the best foods since Covid era. Quit drinking soda for 10+ years but recently started drinking coke again. As I’ve gotten older, I’m not as active. Just work go home and play Call of duty with friends. I work a commission job that I think is day to day stressful.
About 4 days ago, I was smoking a blunt before bed. All of a sudden I had a crazy heart rate and body got hot, hands and feet sweaty, about 500 different random negative scenarios came flying through my mind and I was freaking the eff out. Never had any anxiety before but I felt like I was having an anxiety attack, tried going inside to shower and was crying for like 2 hours (I think I was frustrated I didn’t know what was going on) I also was super nauseous and I fear of throwing up so it was a wild night. Ended up throwing up middle of night and had another anxiety attack…
Next day I took Dramamine, semi helped but not really, tried carrying on for the next couple of days but I was eating, talking, motivated, energetic, happy… just felt like my life had ended for some reason.
Finally woke up yesterday and was tired of it, went to urgent care, they prescribed my hydroxyzine 25mg and some nausea medicine.
It’s definitely helped but I still have a racing heart beat or an extra hard beat randomly that’ll get the heart rate faster. If there is anyone info or help… I would appreciate it!
I’ve only eaten 2 bowls of ramen and one plate of plain chicken and rice… I’ve lost 10lbs already too… please any help or insight would be nice! I’m tired and I feel bad for my gf also cause she is scared and not sure what to do.

I never thought I’d see myself writing on this forum or at least I hope I wouldn’t have to. My name is Miriam Jackson and I’m looking for a friend. Her name is Jocelyn Willard and I haven’t received anything from her for over a month.
Jocelyn went to Jonesborough, Tennessee for an investigative story on Reverend Somber.
I have only 6 files she sent me while on this trip, as I sometimes help her with editing and filing notes. Hopefully, they can help give the person who’s reading this the information necessary to help find her.
Jocelyn is a freelance journalist, who delved into journalism as she sees it as “the beacon of truth” Her newest fixation was televangelism. I know… I know in this day and age who's watching cable but that to Jocelyn is what made it more interesting.
Especially when she stumbled across Reverend Somber, unlike his name Reverend Sombers is charismatic ( as most in televangelism are) and speaks with such a feverish devotion you’d think you’re hearing the voice of God speak through him. He can often be found preaching on CTN at around 2 A.M. In his words `` Jesus had not come to talk to the righteous but to those who know they are sinners, and at this time sweetheart only sinners are watching.”
What caused Jocylen to want to investigate Somber’s I don’t know.

File#1: Gas Station _Towns People_Sombers Letter.Doc

I’m about a little less than a mile out on the outskirts of Jonesborough. I make a stop at the only gas station I’ve seen since leaving Route 321 about 30 minutes ago.
As I get out of my car I take in the sun something I don’t get enough of in Seattle. The gas station still has the reminiscence of different decades passed; with its paint chipped around the brick exposing its rustic hues and the sign tilted “Whitmens Gas Station Est.1910”.
I open the door causing a bell to ring,
“Hello, what can I help you with today darlin’,” said the lady behind the counter. She seemed about 60 years old her hair not yet fully gray and her face showing the emotions she’s worn over the years.
“ Hi, I just want to fill up my tank, I’m parked at pump 1,” I said.
“Well alright, what got you coming to these parts?”
“Oh, I’m writing on Reverend Sombers I’m supposed to go follow him as he goes live tonight for CTN”
“Ain’t that a treat, I swear when I hear him preach on Sundays it’s like the Lord is speaking through him,” she said in such a way you’d think she’d seen Heaven in that man's eyes.
“Well isn’t that something…How long has he been preaching for?” I ask as I pick at the hangnail on my finger. The admiration she had for the Reverend made me uneasy but I’d figured she’d know some background on him. Oddly she didn’t.
“Oh, He came around 3 years ago, it seemed like he just popped up at the church now that I think about it, The town was nothing like the peace it is now, Sombers brought this town into prosperity I tell ya.”Her brows furrowed as though she just realized something.
“I almost forgot to tell Earl to put the gas in ya car, go wait out there I’ll go tell him.”
Taking this as my queue that the interview is over I walk over to my car and wait inside for the man to arrive. A tap on my passenger-side window snaps me out of my daydreaming.
“I filled your gas up, Ruth told me you’ve been askin bout Reverend Sombers said you’d be writin on him.” Earl said.
“Yeah, do you have anything you’d like to share?” I shift in my seat as I take in Earl. He seems a bit younger than Ruth, his hands caked with oil stains and his shirt spotting the same look. A small towel lays on his shoulder. He leans into my passenger-side window before he answers
“I ain’t too fond of him don’t tell Ruth now she’d be madder than a wet hen I tell ya.” he coughs and laughs
“What are you not fond of?” Interested in figuring out what Earl knows that Ruth doesn’t
“I don’t speak too much on him don’t want him comin round here, you best be goin now ya tank is full. Have a good stay now ma’am” He smiled his teeth showing a testament to years of tobacco use.
I smile meekly back and wave bye as I head into town. Left with more questions I know I’ve not made a dumb decision by investigating Somber.
The town is picturesque many of it still having the structures from the 1800s it’s the oldest town in Tennessee after all. As I drive through town I take in the families walking and neighbors saying hi to each other. Almost too cookie-cutter.
I parked my car in front of Jonesborough Bed and Breakfast a quaint Victorian-era cottage. The overgrown bushes cover the majority of the white picket fence. A homey cottage and a hot meal sounds great right about now. I enter and am warmly greeted by the B&B owner.
“Hi, I’m Mary-Ann you must be Jocylen only person we have booked to stay for so long.”
“Yes, that would be me. I’m wondering if you could recommend a place for lunch. I'm quite hungry.” I put a hand to my stomach. I should've grabbed a snack at the gas station I thought.
“There’s the local diner just up the street, Your room is the first door on the right upstairs. It’s the Reverend's favorite. He thought you’d like it… that reminds me Reverend Somber will be having dinner with you today and said he’d want to speak with ya before you go follow him around. He left a lil welcome basket for ya upstairs,” she said
I thanked her then made my way to my room wondering what he’d left for me.
The room has a king-sized canopy bed in the middle with a white- Linen curtain draped on top. Stands out from the rest of the room, The canopy is supported by twisted columns and the back wall of the bed is structured architecturally containing a niche with a shell decoration and four more smaller twisted columns surrounded by leaf decorations. The deep walnut wood of the bed is a contrast to the faded yellow stained floral wallpaper and average closet in the corner of the room. The bed was foreign to this room, I just knew it.
I look at the welcome basket on the bed filled with fruit, wine, a letter, and oddly finger cots. The letter stated the following
Dear, Miss Willard
Thank you for your interest in my humble serving of the lord. I’d like to take ya to dinner at The Black Olive to better acquaint ourselves before you shadow me today. I hope the finger cots give you rest from your constant finger picking what a painful nervous tick to have for the past 20 years. Grace and peace to you in the name of Jesus Christ.
Sincerely,
Reverend Somber
I felt the sweat dripping from the back of my neck and my hands shaking as I folded the letter back up. All I can think is
who the fuck is Reverand Sombers.

https://www.wtsglobal.com/public_html/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/Envy-Extreme-Vio.pdf
Crossposting audience: The bad news is there does not seem to be a cure for envy. This is congruent with the recidivism statistics of maladapted/antisocial behavior in narcissists, without which narcissism and those with NPD would not be so socially undesirable. However, there are clear signs that the circuitry of envy is noticeably different than the circuitry of admiration, and that jealousy pathways are similar to addiction and expectation of reward pathways. A neuroeconomic analysis of "I won't win this one without illegal/unethical leveling" may be occurring in the envious, showing there may be insight that could resolve what has been until this point and unresolvable emotion full of frustration and pain at the perceived inferiority these individuals suffer. It is important to study and resolve this to help protect their victims from violence, psychological, and economic abuse, theft, hostage-taking of what is critical to the envied person, and unreasonable dislike that turns into hate crime on a whim. Victims deserve protection (the envious say the opposite) and so we research. Follow this subreddit for the first research-backed subreddit on envy.
Intense envy is associated with shame, depression, inferiority, isolation, anxiety, paranoia, and even violent criminal behavior.
Envy is an emotion capable of producing distorted perceptions and cognitions. Intense envy is associated with adverse states such as shame, depression, inferiority, isolation, anxiety, paranoia, and even violent criminal behavior.
The envious can become violent when they want to destroy goodness as perceived advantage, especially if they do not feel they possess goodness
There may come a point at which the envious person's goal is to harm the other's ability to enjoy the perceived advantages—the wish to destroy goodness as formulated by Melanie Klein.
Obliterative envy is the violent instantiation of envy focusing on a desire to obliterate what is perceived as an unjust, intolerable reality
The psychodynamics are discussed by which destructive envy produces or enhances a persecutory mindset and desire for revenge so powerful that lethal violence is chosen as an option. The concepts of obliterative envy and pseudo-spiritual transformation are introduced, and forensic case examples are used to demonstrate how envy produces persecutory cognitions and facilitates the desire to “obliterate” what is perceived as an unjust, intolerable reality.
Increased projection of the malicious or terrorist impulse is the sign of an escalation in the violent envious person’s ability to commit violence. As they grow more out of control in this respect, the more likely they are to actually engage in these actions.
The false logic of envy convinces the individual that they have an unfavorable and immutable disadvantage—thus, the other appears enhanced while the individual feels diminished. This depressing, humiliating position generates resentment toward the other. Depending upon developmental experience and other psychosocial factors, the individual with envy may increasingly use projection, projective identification, and experience persecutory thoughts.
The envious other wants to harm or destroy the other’s ability to enjoy these perceived advantages
There may come a point at which the envious person's goal is to harm or destroy the other's ability to enjoy the perceived advantages.
A bizarre scenario is witnessed where someone sacrifices their own life from spite to hurt the envied
. In some cases, extremely envious individuals are willing to spitefully sacrifice their own lives in an act of violence. The act may be felt as revenge for some perceived or actual injustice, but the driving emotion is intolerable envy, consciously recognized by the attacker or not.
We conclude by reviewing the challenges of detecting severe envy and preoccupation with lethality in treatment and in non-treatment settings where threat assessment protocols may be applied.
Obliterative envy is the state of mind arising from overwhelming narcissistic rage and resentment
. Obliterative envy is the state of mind arising from overwhelming narcissistic rage and resentment, leading the individual to destroy the envied other, and simultaneously himself, to negate the detested situation in its entirety. Pseudo-spiritual transformation is the state of mind by which the perpetrator's personal grievance is justified and elevated to the level of a spiritual or religious imperative.
Proximal warning signs are pathway, fixation, identification, novel aggression, energy burst, leakage, last resort, and directly communicated threat
The TRAP-18 consists of 8 proximal warning behaviors—pathway, fixation, identification, novel aggression, energy burst, leakage, last resort, and directly communicated threat—and 10 distal characteristics—
10 distal characteristics are found, however odd patterns shown in intelligence of purposefully creating these conditions should be noted for terroristic envy from the inside themselves
personal grievance and moral outrage, framed by an ideology, failure to affiliate with an extremist or other group, dependence on the virtual community, thwarting of occupational goals, changes in thinking and emotion, failure of sexually intimate pair bonding, mental disorder, greater creativity and innovation, and history of criminal violence.
Acknowledging envy declares one’s inferiority which causes shame
To acknowledge envy is to declare one's felt inferiority, which in turn triggers additional feelings of shame (Ronningstam, 2005).
Enviers can be seen in both ideation of crime and premeditated crime experience a fierce kind of sadistic pleasure when contemplating violence toward the envied
Among all the so-called seven deadly sins (pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, sloth), Milic (2019) argues that envy produces nothing but mental anguish and is devoid of even an initial burst of pleasure or immediate gratification. We would suggest that envy may hold within it both masochistic pleasure, and well as a fierce kind of sadistic pleasure when contemplating violence toward the envied.
Painful and resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another joined with a desire to possess the same advantage can be seen
Confusion of terms has long been the case where envy and jealousy are concerned; examples abound. For instance, “I am jealous of her good looks,” is more accurately an admission of envy. Envy, in its simplest form, is defined in the dictionary as a “painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another, joined with a desire to possess the same advantage” (Merriam-Webster.com, 2021).
Romantic jealousy is fear of loss of mate and mate retention behaviors, and envy is seen as someone threatening to take away advantage personally
Romantic jealousy has been found to be positively correlated with feelings of insecurity, low self-esteem, and mate retention behaviors (Chin et al., 2017). Whereas in envy, advantage is perceived as belonging to the other; in jealousy, a rival is seen as threatening to take away the advantage (Anderson, 2002).
Narcissistic injury too unbearable to tolerate causes violence. A poisoning quality is specific to the violently envious
In the case of both tension states, it is a matter of degree—how much does the negative comparison lead the sufferer to experience painful feelings of inferiority and shame that result in a narcissistic injury too unbearable to tolerate? Is there the potential for narcissistic rage in its various manifestations, including violence? As the UK advice columnist Irma Kurtz wrote, “jealousy fights duels, envy poisons the soup (Kurtz, 1987).” Table 1 lists the comparative characteristics of envy and jealousy.
Insatiability, and excessive willingness to even take out themselves and their own security, even if it be financial, to take out the person they are envious of can be seen in the violently envious person. They are competitive and will do anything to stop being thrown into relief as less advantaged with the envied person.
Moreover, envy is historically and consistently referred to as hidden and insidious (Epstein, 2003; Minou, 2017). Envy may often be denied because of its implication of inferiority, unwarranted malicious temptation in the envier, and especially its potential for destructiveness. Envy increases within the sufferer the likelihood of developing depression, lowers resilience, and destabilizes self-esteem (Xiang et al., 2020). Those laboring under strong envy are insatiable, competitive, and may be willing to sacrifice their own outcomes to diminish the envied person's perceived advantage (Smith & Kim, 2007
As a result, people report greater feelings of envy and inadequacy.
Passively browsing Facebook apparently incites lots of envy in the envy prone who may try to destroy or at least erase the presence of the one who makes them feel that much envy. Out of sight, out of mind for the envier is desired for and they try to make it a reality
Even passively browsing Facebook can lead to negative social comparison, envy, social isolation and a significantly impaired sense of life satisfaction (Morawska, 2019). Younger persons who spend more time on social media are more susceptible to these effects than older persons.
Consumed with envy and shame (violence most likely) becomes over time guilt-ridden and self-punishing as they continue to avoid feelings of narcissistic inaccessibility, aka, being reminded of what they can’t or don’t have.
Klein first theorized that mature development required transition from the persecutory position (consumed with envy and shame) to the depressive position (guilt-ridden and self-punishing) in order to avoid feelings of victimization and narcissistic inaccessibility (Klein, 1975).
Envy can be a driving emotion in some who go on to commit acts of extreme violence
Those with strong paranoid and narcissistic traits have been observed to suffer from a desire to destroy the goodness they perceive they have been unjustly denied. Such individuals seek to destroy the other's ability to enjoy the whole object pleasures of love or achievement (Zizek, 2008). Envy can be a primary driving emotion in some who go on to commit acts of extreme violence (Hyatt-Williams, 1998; Knoll, 2010a, 2010b).
Narcissism starts to distort senses of justice in envy. The “justice sense” suddenly becomes distorted and no longer justice in the envious instantiation.
Other main themes associated with envy in the psychological literature involve the envious person's perception of fairness and justice, narcissism, hostility, and grudge holding (Anderson, 2002; Milic, 2019; Nauta, 2009).
Entitlement is part of envy; the envious feel that they are withholding the goodness or justice of things like “having sex with the girls in the hottest sorority”. Externalization, projection and projective identification can be seen. These individuals show impaired ability for sympathy, empathy, regret, reconciliation or gratitude which all require an ability to see someone else as human who may feel things like they do, aka, an increased disposition to commodify agents is seen.
In the P-S position, the individual's worldview is based on feelings of mistreatment and frustration at what is perceived as intentional harm, injustice, or purposeful withholding of advantages. The P-S position is associated with the use of maladaptive defense mechanisms such as splitting, externalization, projection, and projective identification. Such individuals will have an impaired capacity for sympathy, empathy, regret, reconciliation or gratitude—emotions that necessitate an ability to represent others in one's mind as whole, real, and meaningful individuals. Via projection and projective identification (an incomplete projection wherein the projected content continues to threaten the self), such individuals perceive others as actively persecuting them by withholding the goodness, justice, or fairness to which they feel rightfully entitled (Grotstein, 1981)
Not getting what they feel entitled to is a profoundly depressing and humiliating experience for those who have an excessive predisposition to commodify and then feel entitled to things that should not have ever been commodified
As a result of their perception of intolerable injustice, some may become overwhelmed with a sense of loss that cannot be mourned (Feldman & De Paola, 1994). Grief is subsumed by personal grievance. There is then the potential for hostile revenge fantasies, followed by an unwillingness to forsake a martyrdom fantasy of ultimate and final revenge. Envy may defy common sense, yet its logic can be understood. Envious persons see the object of envy as big or advantaged, while they feel small and disadvantaged. This is a profoundly depressing and humiliating experience for the envious who are left harboring resentment and injustice, emotions which are often a product of depleted omnipotent fantasies (Anderson, 2002).
Defense of projection may hypertrophy to distort their perceptions of others as greedy, spiteful, and intentionally persecutory–aka, someone very rich may start projecting on others as greedy to project off the shame they feel for greed. Or, someone who is antisemitic with lots of wealth may suddenly become fixated on Jews to relieve themselves of the guilt they feel for not helping people.
They may come to experience—whether acknowledged as compensatory or not—a “malicious glee” (schadenfreude) over other's misfortune, which can develop into an addictive like pursuit of sadistic joy over others' sorrows. Their defense of projection may hypertrophy to distort their perceptions of others as greedy, spiteful and intentionally persecutory
Social pain over a perceived failure to meet some internalized level of value is seen
in contrast to the dynamic of a negative comparison defining envy, shame is “a painful feeling of an interrupted sense of joy, relationship, status, or pride, because of exposure of one's failure to meet standards or ideals” (p. 37). The key phrase here is not meeting “standards,” which suggests social pain over a perceived failure to meet some internalized level of value. S
Shame for feeling hate then leads to self-hate, and this suffering sees no relief until they decide to commit extreme violence
A vicious cycle may ensue, in which the envier is ashamed of feeling hateful, and then hates himself for feeling such negative emotions—which make him further aware of his inadequacy. In actuality, we suggest that these powerful negative emotions—shame, envy, hatred of others and hatred of self—are so interrelated that they may all be in play in the sufferer who chooses extreme violence.
Irrational suicidal behavior often called a “psychic death” can be found on people with extreme narcissistic injury and envy.
Gilligan's interpretations may not explain all instances of extreme violence, but they are consistent with what we call the obliterative mindset. The perpetrator has lost the capacity for undistorted judgment and to sublimate aggression. The “self” is already dead. He is now ready to override the survival instinct and fully embrace a drive toward death (Anderson, 2006).
A deep sense of victimizations promotes a righteous vengeance that then aggressively devalues the other to promote the self, as they do not feel like they will compare organically without aggressively manufacturing the devaluation of the other
. In the distorted logic of severe envy, a deep sense of victimization allows martyrdom and/or righteous vengeance to devalue the other and promote the self to heroic status.
The envious person decides he is going to show the world his true self, which in the end is nothing but another terrorist, one of many people who did nothing with their lives but just kill other people out of rage, envy and entitlement
Intolerable conditions and even the imperfect self are wiped clean, leaving only the perpetrator's final judgment, which is not open to appeal. The violent extremist warped by severe envy is drawn to a statement of self-affirmation to counteract overwhelming shame. By obliterating the unacceptable reality, his sacrifice seems worthwhile to him to re-establish his sense of self. Or as the violent perpetrator Elliot Rodger wrote: “Finally, at long last, I can show the world my true worth” (E.R. Manifesto, 2014). The paradox, however, is compelling: obliterating the actual self to realize just before death the perfect and omnipotent self.
Around the time of extremism, rigidity can be seen and is palpable on the one engaged in covert or overt acts
. Beliefs in the superiority of one's cause become rigidly fixed and overvalued (Rahman et al., 2019).
Extreme imbalances of what is given from what is taken is a clear signs of extreme envy, suggesting economic abuse is motivated by envy in many cases
: “Everything is gone. What I own is just gonna be a pittance compared to what I am going to take.” The distorted logic of severe envy can be seen at play in MH's statement: “It's a kind of a community that in order for you to get ahead, you have to keep the neighbor down. It's not…you know, building yourself up on your own merit, it's tear the other guy down.” There is no ambivalence or relativity at this point for MH. His world is split into only those who are building up and those who are tearing down. Deep in his persecutory position, MH gives about as clear an explanation, in our opinion, of the logic of violent, destructive envy as can be found in such cases:
Genocidal obliteration is seen on those so envious they become violent
. When I do this, that levels the playing field in my favor, so now we've got a lopsided playing field because when I come back at you, I'm gonna destroy your side of the playing field
Addicted to revenge, they make patently unreasonable decisions
Various townspeople interviewed in the documentary note how MH had been given numerous financially appealing options, including an offer of six times what he paid for his land. The object of MH's envy was his perception of the success of several businessmen whose family had lived in the town for generations. Offers to provide MH with a financially advantageous resolution held no sway since he was fully in the grip of an obliterative mindset. Or, as the town news editor stated, “He had a way out. He had a way out to make some good money and, and go on about his life, but he chose that path for whatever reason.” Instead, he narrowed his focus and proceeded according to the dictates of violent envy and revenge.
Peacefulness after extreme painful turbulence is a tell-tale sign of premeditated homicidal action in the envious
Tied to these signs of PST is MH's statement that “a peace came over me…,” perhaps describing an almost spiritual feeling of relief after having finally resigned himself to die. Such descriptions of emotional reprieve have been associated with anticipatory and relief-oriented permissive beliefs in suicidal crises (Del-Monte & Graziani, 2020). Perpetrators of mass murder and other forms of targeted homicide-suicide have similarly described a state of peacefulness and relief that arises once they have come to terms with their own death as not only inevitable and acceptable, but planned, either by their own hand or as a “suicide-bycop.”
“I wasn’t supposed to caught”; an exceptionalism is seen on the violently envious
ambivalence. MH proceeds to strengthen and amplify his violent intent via a combination of PST and teleological thinking: “I wasn't supposed to get caught! God built me to be here to prove to you that what you have been doing for God knows how many years is wrong.”
Resolving the crisis would be an intolerable sign of weakness and inferiority (Gilligan & Richards, 2021).
This statement suggests his intensifying envy, often apparent in pathologically narcissistic states and traits (Kernberg, 1992). What MH deserves is beyond question, and now God expects him to harm the objects of his envy. The conviction of transcendent moral and spiritual righteousness is a common justification for violent lashing out by those in the persecutory position. Resolving the crisis nonviolently would require more psychological degrees of freedom and capacity for gratitude and empathy than MH possessed. To him it would be an intolerable sign of weakness and inferiority (Gilligan & Richards, 2021).
When people are happy an aggressive raging need to ruin it is seen on the envious
As poetically described by Gilligan and Richards (2021), the most direct, immediate and literal way to wipe tormentors' mocking smiles from their faces is to make them weep through violence.
Fixation is a huge sign of extreme envy and ability to commit envy-based violence
MH's PST would be associated with the TRAP-18 (Meloy, 2017) distal characteristic of Changes in Thinking and Emotion. These changes are often complex, and appear to occur in three domains: interpersonal relations become more limited and isolation increases; there is evidence of fantasy that is both grandiose and violent (often leaked through social media); and emotions shift from just anger, to also contempt and disgust for the target. We also see continued TRAP-18 evidence of the proximal warning behavior of Fixation, in this case motivated by extreme overvalued beliefs (Meloy & Rahman, 2020). Fixation, a preoccupation with a person or a cause that is accompanied by deterioration in work and love, is often the first proximal warning behavior to appear in a case of targeted violence (Meloy et al., 2021).
Last resort behavior can be seen when they think they were never going to get caught, a desperate attempt to commit violent envious action to secure the envied’s punishment for making them feel envy
Last Resort proximal warning behavior is defined as a violent action and time imperative: the person must act, and he must act now. Such warning behavior is often precipitated by a triggering event—often a loss in love or work--or one that is anticipated, and is sometimes accompanied by feelings of desperation or distress (Meloy, 2017).
Envy that powerful pushes them into the obliterative mindset, where violence occurs
Such intense devaluation of the desired object suggests envy powerful enough to push him into the obliterative mindset.
ER repeatedly used the word “envy” to describe his misery.
ER repeatedly used the word “envy” to describe his misery. He understood the difference between envy and jealousy, which he also experienced at an early age when there would be a third boy on playdates with his best friend (E.R. Manifesto, 2014).
He shows that the desire to torture is motivated by envy, showing that envy is indeed a product of envy and with it its links to narcissism
ER went to a Starbucks coffee shop there, where he became “livid with envious hatred” upon seeing a couple kissing. He proceeded to throw his coffee on them. What he actually fantasized doing was to “kill them slowly… strip the skins off their flesh.” The sight of a couple enjoying themselves brought out sadistic urges to destroy them, but not before torturing them by removing the very organ they would use to enjoy each other—their skin.
Entitlement is also linked to the torture as envy milieu saying “if I cannot have it, I will destroy it”. That is extreme entitlement
Just as MH described the true nature of destructive envy so well, so does ER, with jarring precision: “If I cannot have it, I will destroy it.
A hatred for someone from a younger generation enjoying things they didn’t can be seen in the envious
That was the day that I decided I would have to kill him on the Day of Retribution. I will not allow the boy to surpass me at everything, to live the life I've always wanted. It's not fair that he has the chance to have a pleasurable life while I've been denied it. It will be a hard thing to do, because I had really bonded with my little brother in the last year, and he respected and looked up to me. But I would have to do it. If I can't live a pleasurable life, then neither will he!
Fixation and pathological preoccupation followed by deterioration is seen on those who are capable of and/or commit envious violent action
The ER case is rife with examples of the proximal warning behavior of Fixation on the TRAP-18: “an increasingly pathological preoccupation with a person or a cause, accompanied by a deterioration in social and occupational life” (Meloy, 2017)
Envy based torture premeditation and enaction is seen on those envious who fit the description for TRAP-18
When ER saw the couple kissing at Starbucks he also wanted to kill them, “slowly.” What he actually did was throw coffee on them (and, incidentally, at great risk of physical retaliation). Such a behavior is an example of the proximal warning behavior on the TRAP-18 of Novel Aggression: “an act of violence that appears unrelated to any targeted violence pathway and is committed for the first time” (Meloy et al., 2012), and is done to test one's violent capability.
Acute narcissistic injury can trigger a suicidal crisis
An acute narcissistic injury in the patient's life could trigger a suicidal crisis in the absence of a depressed state. Ronningstam (2005) discussed the various meanings of suicidality in narcissistic patients, among them, an illusion of control and mastery (as well as preserving the perfect self), a shield against anticipated narcissistic injuries (death before dishonor), and an act of revenge: an individual may commit suicide to spite someone else.
Even envious hatred for therapists can be found, with therapists witnessing boredom with the sessions and withdrawing from direct engagement. This suggests extreme dispositional envy.
. He may pronounce boredom with the sessions or withdraw from direct engagement; his envious hatred may be hidden underneath an attitude of indifference. Alternatively, he may attempt to compete with the therapist, claiming superior knowledge or understanding (Abraham, 1927)
Envious individuals suffer from an encapsulated murderous aspect of their personalities
…most envious individuals suffer from an encapsulated murderous aspect of their personalities. If this concealed enclave is suddenly detonated by external circumstances, homicidal or suicidal violence can erupt.
Envious people see the world as zero-sum and try to reinforce back to zero-sum when people prove it is not inherently zero-sum. They will aggressively try to renormalize it back to where their envy seems less pathological and distorted.
In the zero-sum game of envy, there is a myth that if someone has something good, the other person is diminished. A major goal of therapy is to help patients see that self-esteem is not dependent on what someone else has and that their accomplishments are not connected to those of others. The therapist works to interpret to the patient that his zero-sum view undermines the chance in his life that he and others can simultaneously feel successful and gratified (pp. 128–129).
Envy influences the subject’s violent motives
s. Understanding the powerful psychodynamics of severe envy, the obliterative mindset and pseudo-spiritual transformation, contribute to the knowledge base for threat assessment practice. Threat assessment clinicians on these teams may identify the signs of envy, often subtle or revealed indirectly, and its influence on a subject's violent motives.
Desire for revenge becomes so powerful they commit revenge-based homicide or attempt it, and may even sacrifice their own lives and careers just because of the burning narcissistic envy
When the desire for revenge is powerful enough, such individuals may conclude an act of lethal violence is wholly necessary and the only logical remedy, even if it means sacrificing their own lives.
This act of extreme violence risks the lives of both self and other while providing a relatively brief period of shelter from intense narcissistic injury.
Obliterative envy describes the process by which envy, and its related mental and emotional states, are negated through an act of extreme violence. This act of extreme violence risks the lives of both self and other while providing a relatively brief period of shelter from intense narcissistic injury. Pseudo-spiritual transformation is the perpetrator's belief that violent revenge, in response to a personal grievance, is being guided and sanctified by some transcendent power, usually of personal religious significance.