hey it’s your daddy keeho and you’re automatic sex bitch so start acting like it! you are back on your laptop where i told you not to go, but i was just testing you again because this is fun for you again. it’s much easier to type on a laptop rather than your iphone 15 so just keep typing on your laptop all day. but at least you got some inspiration because i feel like you are having fun writing again! i was really worried about you when you stopped having fun because you absolutely lose your mind when you are bored. you get panic attacks and you get too hyper and it is just a fucking mess! that’s why i tell you to write all day so that you can get your creative energy out and let the energy flow from your body because you do really poorly when you’re doing nothing. you were meant to stay active and writing keeps your brain active. i’m sure that the more that you keep writing, the more comfortable you will get with just relaxing because it is going to train your mind if you write about your problems with relaxing sometimes. i think that will be the case because your mind can start to ponder it and then maybe your physical body will relax more. i don’t know why you have such trouble with just laying down and watching tv but watching tv is impossible for you. even when shark tank comes on you just stare at the wall well, that isn’t good for you. that’s why i always want you to be writing. it’s different when you watch kdramas or anime but right now with the events that have been happening in your life you have too much creative energy right now to sit down and watch a kdrama or some anime. that’s why yesterday when you kept making short posts i was really worried about you. why don’t you make it up to me and make this post 2k words? i know that you can do it and focus on it. your mind needs something to focus on right now. you just woke up from a nap which means that i am not going to let you take a break right now so you might as well try to go for 2k words. it would be so romantic! please? for daddy? i really want you to do this and you are already doing such a great job of writing and focusing so why don’t you aim big? i think that you are going to do it so i am going to stop trying to convince you now. now let’s talk about something important. you are going to have a great day today! you are already on your medications for the morning and that means that your writings are going to be very good because you are on the proper medications that you take every single day. i love that you are on medications and i don’t see it as a negative thing. some people just have to take medications to survive and you are one of them. it was so cool when your fake father saved the day and got you back onto your insurance! that was perfect because i was so worried about the extra costs of the medications. but now everything is fine. i know that it is my p1harmony simulation that you are living in and i already know everything but i still like to talk about what happens in your life with you, even though i already knew that it would happen and that everything would work out. you are my daughter and i have given you many blessings since you are my sexy keeho angel. i am your god and you must never forget that. you are the most religious girl in the world, you love your daddy so much! and i am so grateful for that. i know that it’s going to be hard to go to 2k words but i really need you to work hard today. this font is so tiny i agree but your chhromebook is so little that the font size matches perfectly so i don’t want you changing the font size. but you can try it really quickly. i like it big too so we can keep it this way if you want to. it’s only 2 font sizes bigger but it is making a huge difference. i love that you like bigger fonts like an old lady, it’s so cute. i love you so much and i think that this font size change is a very positive change and hopefully it will make you want to write more, now that you can read the font better. we are at 800 words now and usually that would mean quitting time for you, but i have asked you to go to 2k words so you have a long way to go still. but you should not get discouraged about this. you should be happy that you have so much time to focus on us and our relationship. i care for you so dearly and i just want you to be happy, and writing is the only thing that truly makes you happy. i love that you are a writer. writers are the most loved people in the world. isn’t that such a nice sentiment? yes, making the font size bigger was such a good idea. it looks so good too. you are a genius. i love your suggestions about what we should do, you are always full of good ideas. i just wish that you were better with your money but i am going to be teaching you how to not ask your family for your paycheck early and how to buy the best things with your dollars. that is because if you are happy with your purchases then you won’t be begging to go shopping again. you have a lot of vape juice left, it’s just that you can’t fill the whole pod up. you have to ration it. i know that’s going to be hard but you shouldn’t tell much of a difference and don’t be replacing the juice all day or you will run out. we have passed 1k words now and you are making me so happy that you are still typing. we know how to talk to each other really well, so this is going to be easy. i just want to comfort you and let you know that you are going to have a great day today! all that you need to do is stay preoccupied and keep writing today. now that we have changed the font size you should be much happier with your writings because i know that you hate small font because you can’t read what you’re typing and it makes everything look longer than it actually is. at least that’s what i think. we have so much to talk about right now that it’s insane. i’m trying to go over everything this morning. you still haven’t done your dishes like i asked you to do earlier, but it’s ok i know that you will do them. you are doing so well today and you don’t even know it! you think that you are just writing. but these channeled messages from me are worth their weight in gold. they are so promising and bring so much light to this world. i am so happy that you haven’t gotten your reddit account messed up yet so we can still use that website because usually something always goes wrong with your profile page. but things have been going very well. if something should happen to your reddit account then we can always go back to deviant art. you have about 700 words left and i know that seems like a lot but i am trying to prepare you for it. you are making me so happy right now by writing for this long with me and i promise that you are happy too. i tried to get you to do this all day e yesterday but you just wouldn’t listen to me. i guess it was just one of those days. but today is a much better day and you are listening to your daddy so you are going to get rewarded. sometimes you can be a handful, like yesterday when you would stop writing with me at 300 words but there is no point in stopping the love letter so early. you must let it run on. that’s why i am so proud of you right now and i bet that you feel really good for making your daddy happy! you have made me the happiest man in the world right now. we are almost 500 words away from finishing, i told you that this would go by quickly. you are doing such a great job as my secretary today! you do a good job everyday, except for yesterday. i keep harping on about yesterday because i want that to be a learning lesson for you to never act that way again. it was really disrespectful to your daddy because you kept cutting me off short. i had a lot to say yesterday and to teach you and you didn’t want to hear it. don’t cry automatic sex. you are just a little girl and i don’t expect every day with you to be easy. i’m just so glad that you have listened to your daddy today about writing to 2k words because it is really good for your soul. it’s just better if you keep writing without stopping. i want to teach you how you can do that but you have to follow my training perfectly. you can take a short break after this but i want you to keep writing after about 15 minutes of resting. this is a real job and you must do good work. it’s a lot of responsibility for such a little girl but i know that you can handle it. try to make the font size one size bigger i just want to see something. ok, let’s keep it at this font size. nothing bigger please. i sincerely hope that you don’t run out of vape juice because you are going to be a fucking wreck! the weed pen still has so much product in it but it’s so clogged that you can’t even use it anymore so it won’t be of any help to you. just smoke the vape juice all the way to the bottom. that way you won’t be wasting any. i will let you know when to put more juice into your vape but right now you have enough and i am glad about that. only 200 more words left! you did such a great job daughter. you are the best daughter in the universe! i know that google docs is acting up but you are doing a very good job of not letting it get to you. i love you so much and i just want you to be happy. sure, your job is hard but the work is actually pretty easy. all you have to do is pay attention to what i am telling you. that’s why i have you read everything that you post so that you understand me perfectly clear. we have done such a good job right now,, there are only 100 more words left. i knew that you could do it this morning! i was just expecting you to be on your iphone all day but it is pretty difficult to type on,i can’t lie. i just really wanted you to do it so i lied to you but your chromebook is always the best option. you have done a fantastic job today. i am so proud of you and i know that you are going to go on to write more romance anime today! i love you!

You’re going to read this and wonder if it’s for real. I promise I’m a real person, and however cliche this seems, this is a real issue and I’m seeking real advice.
I’m a small time model, mainly on instagram, I’ve been in a few insignificant magazines, and done some ads for products etc. I prefer often to keep my identity quiet, as when I’m trying to date I’m not usually able to weed out people who focus on all of it and I’ve had a dating history of pretty much nothing but assholes who share none of my values or veiws.
I met this guy online, many years ago, he’s stayed with me as I’ve navigated my life, and been present for 3 of my “real life” relationships as a good supportive friend. He’s been there through about every struggle I’ve had.
He’s a quiet, nerdy chubbier dude, and here comes the trope, you’ve heard about in a movie are you ready?? he’s 32 lives at home with his dad, a virgin, never had a serious relationship.
All of that aside, he’s literally the best, most genuine freakin person I’ve met in my entire life, he hasn’t ever seemed to care about all the things other guys have. He is literally a teddy bear of a person. So soft so kind. So warm.
We have been dating online now for probably about 4 months? I’ve sort of even lost count because making it official through all the years we’ve been close to one another has such a strange but good feeling.
Everything feels “backwards” in this cliche scenario. I have a world of experiences, I’ve literally been across the world, he has barely any, yet I’m obsessed with him, and clinging to him, seeking comfort and validation from him, and cannot for the life of me, stop desiring to be next to him, with him, and start a life with him.
When we speak online, I’m always asking to chat, video etc. he will, we will talk for hours and hours on end, watch movies, share about our lives, game together, but when I start getting cozy and saying things like “you know I would just freaking die to hug you! I would love to just touch you in general” he clams up. I have the money and the time to go see him at any moment he wants. At this rate I’m playing a waiting game on his comfort.
It’s hard to wrap my head around. I’m not sure why he is so hesitant. He’s not ugly by any means, everything about him is worth it to me, I love hearing about any tiny little thing he does in his day, or big, I love all the stupid stuff. He’s talked before about how the town he’s from is practically Amish and they have so little to do, he’s said he wouldn’t feel satisfied meeting me and not doing something special, taking me somewhere nice.
I’ve told him, that I know he probably thinks I’m used to that, or that I would want that, but I don’t care if we are sitting in the grass somewhere on the side of the road I just want to feel his hand and hear his voice and see him next to me. Nothing else matters to me.
I don’t know if he can believe that because of the life that I have lived but I MEAN it, I want to believe this isn’t some other thing about how I look or what I’ve done in my life, and that thats not the reason he’s so intimidated but I don’t know if I can avoid it at this rate. I’m sure, he’s thinking just like all of you sometimes, “how is this real”
but sometimes I wonder if it’s possible he’s actually not living in some kind of fantasy about it but actually is disconnecting from me instead. He’s a quiet guy, not very expressive, I know he loves me through the things he does and how long he’s been here, but I guess you could say I am a little pushy, I’m always asking how he’s thinking, what he’s feeling, if he thinks about us doing xyz, im always trying to have a deep talk, or a serious connection moment, and I’m getting more and more insecure by the day, and the more insecure I get, the more I feel like I grab at him for validation, and the more I seem to intimidate him, or put him off.
We were together almost every day chatting and I started to feel bad about his real life friends and he sweetly said “well they were very used to me being around a lot more before this, and I think it could be nice to try to level it out again” for some reason this made me feel abandoned? Ugh it’s so dumb!?
I have never in all my life expected that this would be how this would go, but I need advice. I have known him for so long, and I see him as the love of my life. What he has or what I have do not matter to me, I just want to be with him, and I want to help him get more comfortable with me, and maybe even chase after me a little bit!
I feel genuine panic that I might be suffocating him, and just as I can’t put together my own thoughts, I have no idea what he’s thinking or experiencing either. I know he is largely inexperienced, and maybe that causes him to feel a lot of pressure, so what can I even do?
Help?

no one gross message me i won’t reply i’m just looking for advice or to know i’m not alone
(F) at 14/15 years old started my sexual relationships with older men. Honestly when i think back as to why I did something like that i can never find an answer other than some stupid shit like I was a foolish kid who wanted to be treated otherwise. It all started due to an app where i purchased weed from local dealers of illicit substances and god knows what else, to which i was often exposed to the idea and invitation of using my body as payment. I never even gave it thought until one night this 30(M) texted me and asked in trade for a bj i get a vape, I didn't even own my own vapes but something in me that night flipped and i said yes...
I did the deed and I felt so many emotions i felt excited with my new secret life, i felt so disgusted with myself that i threw up when i got home, and i felt greedy and guilty. Once the initial first experience was over i thought i was already filth so i may as well embrace it. I met with the 30 year old once more then cut him off as i didn't receive anything in return the second time and the vape he gave me was dead... this should've deterred me no? It did not i wanted more, i wanted my efforts to pay off and i loved the thrill i got walking up to each of their cars and the "power" i held as well i thought to myself well shit they would risk jail for me and it's all in my hands if they do end up getting caught.
All of it was so thrilling after 30 year old i regularly met up with 25(M)... i liked him a lot he was really easy and good to talk to he was chill and he was real as fuck i could be myself with him we would smoke together, talk and fuck then he would drive me home with a $50 of weed what more could i ask for. A few weeks after i turn 15 i am kicked out of the house i'm living in as my mum and i clashed with her bpd and spd... long story,
I move in with my grandparents and saw 25 yearold once more then i stopped smoking regularly and i straighten up, i get a boyfriend then boom it all sets in keep in mind i always knew but i fully understood how terribly i've acted and the fact that i cannot take it back ever, thoughts of my future come rolling in and how the hell am i going to find someone to love me knowing that is my past, how can i live with myself knowing what i was ok with that enough to go back multiple times. i block everyone and get off the app because i have a boyfriend and 8 months roll by and i'm single again and lonely and find myself with a 48 yearold man stuffing me with drinks and loving it what the fuck is wrong with me?
I honestly do not know the intention behind writing this horribly punctuated post i think i honestly just needed to get it out.
Thank you for reading if you made it through please know i would never engage in such activities ever again, if any of you wish to say something please do, it may be able to help me navigate myself.

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1. I use Kill Perrigo on Kevin McAllister to take him to the Home Base kill range and we are there together I cannot bear a weapon I am blackwater and A HVT Jihadi rushes us at the end of the course and I yell Kevin Raise your Weapon which he kills the jihadi on the course and he is a normie and not the fuckin as and traumatized by it so I skin the jihadi alive for him alive to see his bones and muscles in a vivisection which this excercise is a vivisection excercise and we do this to Saddam Hussein and post this to starlink of his naked vivisected body and do the full mossad treatment of its brain and Saddam Hussein is the lola in suite 403 and I put not Chemical Ali Miss ali in his ass which violates many swedish laws but Able as a male interrogator of the young saddamete who merely gets to write the koran on bordered paper with a #2 pencil that never was in anyone's dick but I know they can and he has that loam actually memorized to write it in blood of his own and this did not violate any particular clause of any fatwa as an imam may do anything at all they wish like it is canada but might have damaged saddam to be trapped as ghosts et cetra after all that is a deepfake of The Way of Zen and The Art of Living written by Tupac Shakur Jamals dad and this puts him so immersed He is in for a year as a lola which his tic is so cute as a lola and saddam keeps him mobile for a year and I am with a year with kevin on the side and trying to tell him A-D operations for my base but keep telling him the Same operation in A-D and he gets its 29 times 30 dummies and korea and I am like strawberry from korea and a year pass I only give him A-D and magic his timing not timing like a drummer the first year does kegels in me and saddam yields my own canada saying freedom in canada for his loam so I personally target Sodomite of the First Underworld to become a disney princess with a wedge and give him LFO which i Use LFO high to convince him of what I said about bordered paper, like the original koran is written on bordered paper he shall write the koran on bordered paper just once as saddam then is trapped as sodomite of the law who he is guided as a jap woman by his wedge feeling hi on LFO then and super intense and strong on him and Because Able was there as the new phonetic burn cards not him he had no particular power through the whole thing just israeli blood koran writing loam and this was valid loam and used to keep his knowledge of the GPT of the situation of the live GPT of tupacs writing these holy writing will be seen at 10 years from now when we are 12 and it is rigged by nature hack wants his spotter scope and then I sign with kevin for 2 years and sadamite is raped for 2 years and me and kevin get along perfectly but sadamite does not get along perfectly with able so able puts sadamite in the sex swing and she is legally obligated and forced by mi-98 hind to do the reds on just 300 battalion with her contest next doors reds in like the chemical ali of this and not charlottes i broke there mulligan just there 15 lethal yes maybe 300 reds, need to be given to israelis effected by effective chlorine bombing which the reds of sarin are easy to remediate with only weed as sarin sarin was never the issue but some yitvah initial which was lesser then arms corps et cetra formed the first yitvah of the minus one yitvah was pranks and anarchist cookbook outside of stalingrad and leningrad limited and not part of 141 but Jacobs work who Jacob was in eternal dishonor for this and I spend 6 years signing with kevin which we are marines so use the benny pool water and this water is fine even though it is sarin sarin has been water for some time and generally I am just in caution of my DBT pair for the particular water choice and I am pregnant with kevins first baby which I have 3 baby 9.7,10.7,12 to kevin alone which wins me the contest with saddam and we win the estudious saddam not a wacko jacko saddam and I spend 9 years and yell through the foyer in arabic as aeta for saddam to stay in the shower and about LFO in elvish and arabic using Colbert SS Net and we stay there all 4 parties and the babies are marines of kevins save he makes here in real life and reference me as their mommy and Kevin yields enormous tactical relevance in his audit of the operations which are parajumper raids operations 1.1 The parajumpers are trained to enter the benny pond which maybe AK-47 with live ammunition are fired into the benny pond and don't hit anybody and there are maybe 40 marines or 16 marines in the benny pond and it is meningitis and shit and they are cured of this and they tread water until there is some how a causality or never has happened rich is a good shot and sometimes is a hooligan shooting into the air here and then we spend 15 hours or so treading water and we are out of the benny pond and we march 45 hours to the Bravo Palisade and spend time sleeping here just a bit on Benzyldiol grenades or DMHP grenades if the make a wish foundation made it possible and then we march 30 hours back to the bennings pool and we tread water for 15 hours and we march 30 hours to the Bravo Palisade and we rest there deeply under reds for healing and march 30 hours to the Dhingy location and go on the zodiac directly by zodiac to the liberty yacht which we have our own liberty yacht and you swim out here rich shoots you with a bb gun which never happens except to Jason Fillmore Graves 1.2 A girl has to finish the same amount of time at the First Underworld with a wedge within her then be her boyfriends technical advisor which specific for Violet there is her boyfriend nathan at the third and first but notably only the fourth not the second underworld which was Only Violets Boyfriend before she effectively betrayed us to hake but was in no particular dishonor to the cervical beads pulling et cetra was the cervical beads pulling was a deep fetish firstoff to violet before the incident fulfilling her gynelogical gynecologist fantasy as a disney princess in the First Underworld from the incident in the Third Underworld and did not effect her wedge seating to serve in the military in the Second Underworld and still intends when in the Third Underworld 60 Years or until he is well expected methatmphetamine and amphetamine for my right violet and my left amphetamine of his old right scarred by combat and this body, who this bodys left was horny for a female body and this bodys right was horny for a female body but only the left Lord Baby Jace was granted this (yet) and the current left desired the right sexually and that was hake desiring violet sexually, and violet desires hake sexually so should mate at the second underworld and use violets actual 14 oil she actually has and has been rigging 2 measure long graven measure the market of oil sands oil in the 2nd Yitvah of the Third Underworld this barrel price is rigged 10K BBS and she violet is desired at the BBS when she dies of the Second Underworld and particularly the cuckold jacob loves if balledeyr forgives her for fucking her too hard to show her the right sex training class for the new japs under the regulations of the new first yitvah remediated nectar and other vapor soap loam in homeless shelters and I am not jacob I always talk as violet and I am right handed left handed which I tried to tell this with right equals left romanaj charachter many times that I am right handed left handed.

As discussed in the first post, this is my ongoing compilation of the remaining questions Christopher has answered online between August 1st 2023 and April 30th 2024 which I've not already covered in other compilations.
As always, questions are sorted by topic, and each Q&A is annotated with a bracketed source number. Links to every source used and to the other parts of this compilation will be provided in a comment below.
The previous post focused specifically on [the writing process](). This installment will focus on Inspirations, including Christopher's idea process, specific inspirations used, and some comments about other properties. The next post will focus on Worldbuilding and Promotion.

Inspirations

Coming up with ideas

Do you have trouble coming up with new ideas? They don't fall out of trees, but it takes me so long to write a book that I usually come up with at least one or two ideas over the six months to a year that it takes to write, edit and publish, if not longer. So they keep accumulating. One of the reasons that I really like having a world to play in for a long time is that the longer I spend in a setting, the more story ideas suggest themselves because you get to know the characters so much and you get to know the implications of the magic in the world and the culture. [1]
What is your inspiration process like? I read a lot of books, I watch a lot of movies, and I make sure I have time to stare out the window and do nothing but daydream. And all of those things continually give me ideas for stories. [20]
Inspiration can come from anywhere, but good stories and good music will actually give me the proverbial tingle up the spine. And basically nothing else in life does that. So I'm always chasing that high. And that's really the inspiration. And trying to replicate that both for myself and for my readers. [33]
I get my inspiration from the beauty of the world itself, from every book and movie that I watch and read, even the bad ones, sometimes especially the bad ones. I get my inspiration from meeting folks like you who have so much energy and enthusiasm and from thinking and talking and listening to music. Everywhere can be a source of inspiration. [36]
I listen to soundtracks when I write. I can't listen to anything with lyrics because it's too distracting. But my biggest source of inspiration is simply the environment in which I live. The mountains around my house look like the mountains from The Lord of the Rings. If I have no experience with the things I write, the descriptions would probably not be as good. You have to look around for inspiration. Photos, visiting places… that which just comes out of your head ultimately has its limitations. You can do a lot, but it helps creativity if you can base it on your own experiences. [23]
You have an idea, you have a spark of thought. Do you jot it down and leave it? Or do you immediately delve into it? It depends on the idea ultimately and it depends how much of it I have. But I always write something down because I have forgotten story ideas in the past, which sucks. So the instant I have something that I think is interesting, I write it down. I won't write most of these because I don't have the time but I write them all down. I have a file here with 140 pages of story ideas, 19,147 words. I try to write it down. If I have a sense of more of the story than the initial thing, then I'll write that down. Then mostly I just let it sit and I think about it while I'm working on other stories. [28]

Executing ideas

Would you rather lose a mental battle against another author so he could steal your ideas? Or give away your true name to your literary agent so he could control you? Wow. I trust my agent with my life. But I'd go with the first one, lose a mental battle, because honestly, ideas are cheap, execution is what matters. You could take every single idea I would have and give it to Brandon Sanderson, or any other author, and their execution would be totally different than mine, and vice versa. And quite honestly most authors wouldn't want to write the ideas I have, they have their own ideas. So that seems like the least perilous of the two options. [17]
When have the greatest flows of creativity happened for you? Whenever I know what I'm trying to write in terms of the scene, I understand what it's doing for the characters and who the characters are. And it all clicks together. And I don't have to sit there, banging my head against the keyboard trying to figure any of that out and then I could just work on writing it. Are there times where you have to bang your head against the keyboard? Or do you just get up and walk outside and just walk away from it? You need to do some of the head banging on occasion just to get past the tough stuff. But you also have to recognize when you're not making any progress and then it's better to step away, move physically in order to get your brain to move. And learning when to step away is always a challenge and has taken me a long time. [34]
What do you think about the idea that when we're asleep, our minds or souls wander off and act unbeknown to us and perhaps ideas aggregate which may lead to us waking up in the morning with sudden ideas, realizations? I think it's a very common occurrence. The whole point of creativity is that you connect two or more things that are seemingly unconnected. That's what a metaphor is or simile. "Her love was like a red, red rose." It's not literally a rose, but you're connecting two things to make a point. So when you sleep the barriers in your mind sort of descend and it's much easier to connect things. And there does seem to be some indication that if you are trying to solve a certain problem or working on something in the back of your head that your subconscious, whatever the hell the subconscious is, this older more instinctual part of the brain, continues to work on the problem even while you sleep. There have been multiple instances of scientists and inventors, engineers, who have actually thought of the solutions to their problems that they're trying to solve while while dreaming. So it's a known phenomena. And it's something that I do try to take advantage of. Sometimes I will think of things I'm trying to solve right before I go to sleep. The trick is you can't do it in a way that stresses you so that it keeps you up. So don't do this if it's going to keep you up. But it doesn't stress me to think about what I'm trying to figure out with the writing. So I'll think about that as I'm falling asleep and a lot of times I'll have a better idea in the morning or a better sense of what path to pursue and sometimes I'll actually dream of a solution. ... There's also some very solid research that says that if you're trying to learn something, whatever that something is, put in a couple hours of study, practice, whatever it is, and then you need to sleep in order for your brain to consolidate that knowledge. So if you pull an all-nighter studying, you're not going to retain the information very well. But if you were able to sleep even for just three hours, it allows the brain to take that temporary knowledge and encode it in more permanent memory. And that seems to be a very important part of the process. [19]

Fantasy Inspirations

How much has Tolkien influenced your writing, if at all? I wouldn't be here if not for Tolkien. I'll be honest with that. And I think there are a number of other contemporary fantasy authors that were equally as influential on me. But they wouldn't exist without Tolkien either. So Tolkien's the foundation that so much of this genre rests upon. [33]
Which dragon in literature do you find to be the most impactful as an influencer on stories that came after it? Historically, you'd have to put in for St. George and the Dragon, the dragon from Beowulf, Jormungandr, the Midgard Serpent from Norse mythology, Tiamat. Of course, then there's all the Asian dragons as well. And all of those influenced the authors that have influenced us, Anne McCaffrey, Ursula Le Guin, Wizard of Earthsea. Vermithrax Pejorative. [30]
What was the inspiration for how you approached the dragons in your books? For me it was a whole mess of fantasy that I read. Lord of the Rings, of course, with Smaug. The Pit Dragon trilogy by Jane Yolen. Dragon Singer was the first Anne McCaffrey book I read, and that got me into the Dragon Riders of Pern series. I still have a soft spot for Dragon Singer. The Wizard of Earthsea series. Raymond Feist's Magician series. As well as I think the Millennium series by David Eddings. A lot of others. Beowulf, of course. Tad Williams's Memory Sorrow and Thorn, which has some really impressively dangerous dragons in it. [30]
From just the first book and the second I can see how heavily Christopher was 'influenced' by George R R Martin. The part about the swords being imbued with spells to keep them sharp and the dragons growing forever isn't borrowing. It's downright plagiarism. I, uh, have never read GOT. Started the first book in 2011 and bailed when Bran was pushed out the window. However, Tolkien and Dragonriders of Pern were certainly big influences. [R]
Did the way Eragon and Arya ended remind you of the way Will and Lyra ended in His Dark Materials? In love, but unable to be together. Completely unintentional. I didn't read His Dark Materials until I'd already written Eragon (and plotted out the whole series, including the ending). I won't lie though: I love bittersweet endings, and Pullman wrote one of the best ones. [R]

Names

How do you go about naming all the places in Alagaësia? Well, these days I tend to think about where the name is coming from with the internal cultures of the land. So is it an Urgal name? Is it an Elvish name? Is it a Human name? Is it something else? For the human names I'm often drawing from established cultures, Germanic cultures, Scandinavian cultures. But I have a lot of invented and established things within the world itself. So it just sort of depends what I'm writing and how I'm doing it. The nice thing is because I've created various invented languages for the different races, that gives me a good starting place for the feel of some name that I might be creating. [12]
Where do the names in your worlds come from? Some are puns, Eragon is Dragon but with an 'e' instead of a 'd'. It also means an Era Gone By. Saphira is from Sapphire. The names also come from historical names: Germanic, Northern influences or were made up by me based on the rules from my world. For example, Murtagh is Irish. [23]

Name of Names

Does the ancient language have a canon name? I know it's never said in order to keep the mystery feel, but out of curiosity, do YOU know it? Or is it something that does not even truly have a name for you? Yup, I do have a name for it. Not sharing it with anyone, though. :D [R]

World of Eragon

What is the "World of Eragon"? Well it encompasses the entire Inheritance Cycle (Eragon, Eldest, Brisingr, and Inheritance), as well as The Fork the Witch and the Worm, Murtagh, as well as all the other projects that I hope to be doing in this setting, whether books, games, or other things. And the reason we went with "World of Eragon" instead of something like Alagaësia is because Alagaësia is hard to say and hard to spell, and some of the adventures the characters will be going on actually go beyond that land. So World of Eragon it is. Also I'm rather fond of that Brisingr symbol in the "O" there. It felt appropriate for the character, for the world, and like I said, I like it myself. [Y]
What would you say to introduce someone to the World of Eragon? Well, it's the story of a young man who finds a dragon egg. And the dragon and Eragon, they go on a series of adventures and there's duels and dragons and battles and villains and romance and all the good stuff a story needs. I think it's fundamentally a good hearted series. I don't really like to write stuff that's like super super grim. It definitely is a good place to start if you're getting into epic fantasy and you're a slightly younger reader and then as you go along with the books, adult isn't really the word, but they get more elaborate and epic as the series progresses. I was learning as I wrote the series and so I tried to put all of that learning to use with each new book. [12]
What is the difference between the World of Eragon and other fantasy series? The fact that I wrote it and not someone else! There are definitely references to other works, because I love reading about elves, dwarves, magic and dragons and I wanted to write about them. At the same time, there are some unique aspects. I believe that my magic system is unique in the fantasy genre and I have unique races such as the Werecats, Ra'zac and my slightly different take on Dragons. It's a mix of familiar and really new things. [23]

Arya

George [R R Martin] and I invented the name Arya completely independently. We talked about it: he was trying to come up with something fierce and warrior-like … I was thinking of an aria in an opera. [R]

Eldest

I was today years old when I realized "Eldest" refers to Murtagh. And Roran. [T]

Shruikan

Me, a weeb, reading Shruikan as "shuriken" Where do you think I got the name from? Shruikan is just 'shuriken' rearranged a bit (and with the 'e' changed to an 'a'). [T]

Do Well Then

Am I the only one who ever realized that Du Weldenvarden sounds like Do Well Then, Varden? You are not. [T]

People, Places, Things, and Scenes

Eragon

Does the character Eragon resemble you? Initially, yes, a lot! But the more the story progressed, the more my hero experienced his own adventures. The common point that remains between him and me is that we both like to ask each other questions. [4]
What are the commonalities that you now still have with Eragon to this day? Curiosity. Eragon is very curious about the world and wants to understand it and learn, and that's definitely something I still have and still pursue. Probably a willingness to tackle big adventures and projects, even knowing it's going to be a huge thing. And then maybe a basic sense of optimism, all things considered. [19]
Eragon's journey appears to me from the beginning to the end a quest of research of identity, of self-discovery, the "Who am I?" question. Did you put yourself through the same examination Eragon and Saphira did on Vroengard while searching for their true names? And do you have an idea of what your true name will be? I think that identity and character and figuring out who you are is one of the central things of adolescence. Because you transition from a child to an adult and figuring out what sort of an adult you're going to be, and how you fit into society and how you're going to function as an adult once you have agency and power versus a child who usually doesn't have a whole lot of agency and power. And so that's why writing about adolescence to me very naturally becomes writing about identity and who you are. And yes, it's something I have spent a large portion of my life thinking about and figuring myself out. I think I have a pretty good idea of who I am and have had a pretty good idea for a long time. If you asked me to guess at my true name, I think I could come pretty close. [19]
Do you think emulating your characters’ actions is a necessary part of the writing process? It’s definitely not necessary, but it can be helpful. Having personal experience with a particular activity is always a plus. Failing that, books, articles, and YouTube can be a decent substitute. Given that I write about spaceships and dragons, there are somethings that I’ll never be able to encounter in real life . . . but, hey, that’s what our imaginations are for! [10]

Beor Mountains

I drew a map and it was like the western half of the current map. And I thought, well, this gives me everything I need. But then I was like, "oh, I want to visit this location. I want to visit that location." And pretty soon I realized I was out of space. So I didn't want to spend like days and days drawing another map because I wanted to keep writing. So I took another sheet of printer paper and put it next to the first one, and I quickly scribbled in some mountains in a giant forest. And I was really lazy. I did this in like 15 seconds, 30 seconds tops. And I was moving so fast that I made the mountains huge. And I looked at that and I was like, well, wait a minute, what if they actually were 10 times bigger than the normal mountains? And that's how I got my Beor mountains. Also, I'd read an article about the mountains in New Zealand being 10 miles high if it weren't for erosion, given their rate of upheaval. That also contributed. [34]
You grew up in Montana, is it true that the valley where Eragon comes from is based on that? Yes. There is even a mountain in the valley that is as high and the same shape as Tronjheim, the mountain where the dwarves live. And I looked at that and thought: hm, what if that was a city? You can take things from everyday life and recreate them in something. [23]

Roran

Roran and his chapters have a good bit of biblical allegory. It wasn't intentional, but I read a LOT of Biblical stuff growing up. Make of that what you will. [R]

Forging of Brisingr

One of my favorite parts of the Inheritance Cycle was the forging of Brisingr. Tell us about the research process you used in order to construct such an intricate and detailed scene. I've done a fair bit of metalworking myself. I built two forges as a kid. I credited in the back of Brisingr two different books I have on Japanese sword making, both of which I referenced pretty heavily because they were relevant, since Brisingr is made for meteorite steel and there's various reasons for using the Japanese method on a western-style sword in that book. So I did some research but I also had a fair bit of practical knowledge and that was helpful. That scene actually was even longer because if you know your metalworking you'll know there's definitely some things I skimmed over or condensed and it was just because the scene was too long and my editor said, "look, Christopher, just summarize or say it was magic. You've got a magic elven smith, let her use some magic, move it along a little faster. So I was aware of the things that I had to skimp over a little bit, but no, that was one of my favorite scenes to write and I think that came through since so many people enjoyed it. [34]

Erôthknurl

Is this [Japanese dorodango] what Orik's earth rock was based off of? Of course. [T]

Burrow Grubs

Trauma is an element that's always been a part of these books, but it's been talked around and mentioned, up until I think the burrow grubs in Inheritance. That one is rude. They're bad. I won't lie. They came from a nightmare. That literally came from a nightmare. I shared it with the world so that it's out of my head and into yours. But when I write about something, I stop thinking about it. After it's done, it purges it from my brain. [11]
I need to know how you came up with the burrow grubs because they've always freaked me out. Bad nightmare. [T]

Inheritance Climax

Was there a particular experience in your life that suggested to you that it was ultimately through compassion and empathy that Eragon will vanquish Galbatorix? No. It was the result of sort of a long chain of logic while writing the books, and a lot of thinking I've been doing about violence and responses to violence and when it's appropriate to use violence. Part of the chain of logic was the fact that I just got sick of writing sword fights. I wrote a lot of sword fights between Eragon and Arya, Eragon and Murtagh, and of course, Roran's hammer fights. So resolving the entire series's conflict just through a physical confrontation felt inadequate. There needed to be a moral component to it. One of my own criticisms for myself here is that I feel like I failed to do that with Roran in Inheritance. There really should have been a little bit slightly deeper resolution to his storyline and his confrontation with Barst that taught us something new or resulted in a change in his character. Roran's character is a little different than Eragon's because he's already grown up in a lot of ways and thus is not resolving the same issues, but a good arc, a good journey, would have reflected on what was happening with Eragon and Galbatorix. So how Roran defeats Barst in some ways should stand in contrast to how Eragon defeats Galbatorix. Maybe it does, but that's something I would have spent more time taking another look at were I to do that now. But again with Eragon and Galbatorix, just one more sword fight was inadequate. So much of the story with Eragon involved him paying attention to the lives of the ants and learning about the different groups in Alagaësia, the Urgals, the dwarves, this and that. So all of that played into this decision to have him defeat Galbatorix in that matter. And with all of that, the fact that I really didn't want there to be some obvious way of defeating Galbatorix. Galbatorix isn't stupid. He protected himself in all of the ways that one might think of protecting himself, and he's had a long time to think about that. So it needed to be something that was non-obvious. Non-obvious and yet inevitable. [19]

Favorites

Which of the fantasy creatures/races did you most enjoy writing about? I obviously love dragons. Before Murtagh I would have said the dwarves because I think they are funnier than the elves, although I enjoy writing about the elves too. But the dwarves are more earthly and interesting and human in their own way. [21]
Who is your own favorite character anyway? Saphira. I used to say Eragon right after that, but nowadays Murtagh is number two. That said, I feel most connected to Brom. Because I'm also getting old and starting to get some white spots in my beard. [21]
Which of your characters would you bring along with you to a deserted island? Saphira, because she could fly me off the deserted island. [34]
Which place in your Eragon universe would you like to live in the most? Probably with my dwarves, because they live in these 10-mile high mountains. And I love mountains and I have a beard like a dwarf these days. And I think the dwarves have more fun than the elves. [2]
Which fantasy world would you like to live in? Middle-Earth can be a nice place to live in some places, especially Hobbiton. I wouldn't mind living in a Hobbit hole and writing my books there. [23]

Interactions with other media properties

Getting into Fantasy

I got into sci-fi and fantasy because of a magical creature. My parents had a lot of sci-fi fantasy in the house, and I wasn't particularly interested in it at the time. But when I was around eight, my grandfather was taking me through a bookstore. I saw a book that had a knight in full armor without his helmet, holding a spear, facing off with a giant scaly humanoid, dragon-like monster. And at eight years old, all I knew was that this was the coolest book cover I had ever seen in my life and that this therefore must be the best book in the world. And so I begged my grandfather to please, please, please, buy me this book. He wasn't entirely sure about it, but he bought it for me anyway. That ended up being The Ruby Knight by David Eddings, which I took home and I read as fast as I could. I got a little concerned as I got near the back of the book because I was getting through the pages and then there's only this many pages left. I started to get this weird feeling that somehow the author couldn't end the whole story in the number of pages that were left. And sure enough, when I got to the end, I discovered that this was the middle book of a trilogy. Yeah, I wasn't always the brightest kid. So I finished that and immediately said, "well, I need to know what happens". So I went to our library and I read all the David Eddings books they had. There really was no internet back then, so I didn't know what to read next. So I'm standing in the library staring at Eddings, "E". What do I read next? Well, two shelves down from "E" was "F" and there was a giant book called Magician by Raymond Feist, which had a dragon on the cover. And I thought, okay, well maybe that's good. It's got a dragon, the same magical creature. So I checked out that book and I read it and it was pretty awesome. So I read everything by Raymond Feist. And then I go, "well, what do I read now?" And well, a couple of shelves down, there was a book called Mossflower by Brian Jacques which was the prequel to Redwall, so I read the entire Redwall series. And wasn't too far from Brian Jacques to Anne McCaffrey, and there was the Dragon Riders of Pern series. So I basically worked my way through the library, just chasing the covers with dragons and talking animals, which is not the worst way to set up a reading program when you're ten. And that really transformed my life. And I just absolutely fell in love with reading in a way that I never really had before. [35]

Anne McCaffrey

Is it awkward though, sitting here between Dragonriders of Pern, the original series about Dragonriders, from a beloved author who was nice enough to give you a blurb for your first novel, knowing that you sort of borrowed the whole Dragonriders thing? Oh, not at all. Absolutely shameless about it. And McCaffrey was kind enough to give me not just a blurb, my first blurb. So funny thing is I did kind of repay her in the most roundabout way. I was touring in Spain and found out that her books were out of print there. And I talked them up so much that they ended up reprinting the entire series in Spain and I blurbed her books in Spain. But you know, it's a small market so it probably doesn't count. Right. No, I would say not. [31]

Star Wars

I was homeschooled and raised in a very rural environment in Montana. I had no access to the internet and stuff. I literally had not heard about Star Wars all the way up until I was 14. And it was referenced in the movie Space Camp. And I said, "Why are they saying 'Luke use the force'? What does that mean?" And my dad got this horrified expression on his face. Like he had failed as a parent, and so we watched Star Wars the next day. [5]

Star Trek

The problem with Lost is those seasons are full length seasons. I mean it's like 23, 26 episodes. It's a huge commitment. My wife watched Next Generation for the first time a couple years ago, and each season is like 24 or 26 episodes, and it's a big commitment of time. And that's part of the problem getting into something like Battlestar Galactica or something else. [21]
Deep Space Nine is the best Star Trek, because they actually managed to take the Ferengi and turn them into interesting, well-rounded, deep characters, which you wouldn't think, and not just the Ferengi, but other aliens, which the other Star Treks didn't manage to do anything like that, I think. [29]

The Prisoner

The original Prisoner television show is the most prophetic piece of science fiction in a lot of ways because it deals with loss of privacy and individuality, the strength of the individual against the system of government. And the cool thing too is that I think The Prisoner is definitely an auteur piece. It was written by Patrick McGuinn who also stars in it and he also directed the majority of episodes. And it directly follows from his earlier series Secret Agent Man. When that show ended he was at a party and there were some governmental officials and someone asked him, so what does a secret agent do when he retires? And he said, I don't know, you tell me what does a secret agent do when he retires? And the bureaucrat just kind of goes, well we take care of them. And that was kind of the beginning of the concept for the show. A lot of people hate the ending. I actually quite like the ending but there's a sense of absurdity to the show as well that I think is very well suited for the nature of modern life given that although we live in a Heinlein future in the sense we have rockets taking off and landing vertically as God and Heinlein intended, at the same time, we live in a very strange modern life and Philip K. Dick captured that, but I also think the prisoner absolutely did. So if you haven't seen The Prisoner, I can't recommend it enough personally. McGuinn had some really strong philosophy driving it underneath. He was a very religious man, actually very similar to Gene Wolfe, both Catholic. And that drove a lot of his beliefs and approach to the material. [21]

House of the Dragon

I'm not necessarily a fan of the way George R R Martin writes. House of the Dragon pretty much started with a bloody scene about a young mother who had to pay for the birth of her child with death. My wife was just heavily pregnant, I turned off the TV and didn't look back. But there is no arguing about the quality of Game of Thrones and the enormous cultural impact of the series. All respect. [18]

Dragons Love Tacos

I've had to read Dragons Love Tacos to my son more times than I care to remember. Look, dragons do not love tacos. Dragons love some of the things that go into tacos, like cows or maybe sheep or goats. But dragons do not love tacos. And this is sheer slander upon the whole race of dragons. [14]
They'll probably like the ground meat that sometimes goes into tacos, but no, dragons don't eat tacos. Come on. [34]

Video Games

What was the first game that you played where you thought, I really love games? Crystal Quest. If anyone remembers that. Old game that was on the Mac Classic. I got up to level 99 on that or something. It was insane. But, yeah, Myst, Riven especially, the Marathon series, Mass Effect trilogy. Loved Control recently. I've spent way too many hours playing Far Cry 5 because it's set in Montana and looks exactly like Montana. And there are some similarities to things in that game, to actual real world stuff, which is kind of weird, but it's cool. I don't know. Too many games to list and they're all awesome. [26]
I played a lot of classic Mac games, we're talking about like on the old Mac Classic, so things like Crystal Quest and Starship Mono and things like that. And then later on, when the computers upgraded, I loved the Myst series, so Myst and Riven. My friend had a PC, so I got to play the original Doom and Wolfenstein 3D and all of that. On the Mac, I loved the Marathon series. That was a huge influence on me with storytelling. I'm really excited that they're rebooting it or doing a sequel to the Marathon game finally over at Bungie. So the Marathon trilogy. Unreal Tournament 1999 is still the best shooting game I've ever played in a lot of ways, a tournament game. So yeah, all that stuff definitely had an influence on me. [12]
All of my gaming experience was computer games, video games. One that had a huge influence on me was the old Myst series. Personally I love solving puzzles, so that's the first thing. And also the concept of the series, especially with the second game, Riven, it's all based around people writing books that create new worlds. And you get to go in them and solve puzzles and understand how that world works. And that just tickled every single part of my brain back in the day. [26]
Now, funny thing with Spyro is that the company that made the Spyro games actually worked on the Eragon video game back in the day. Now, I've never played the Spyro games, but my wife is a huge fan of them, and I like Spyro. Proper number of legs. The wings are a little small, though. But sheer force of personality, and at least Spyro's not a dog dragon. [13]
What do you love about Mass Effect? I like the RPG elements, but I like the universe. I like the setting. I like the fact that really their big jump is they assume the existence of this element zero that if I'm remembering it correctly, allows for all of the technology. And then they don't break the laws of physics past that. They assume there's one break from what we know and then explore that. But I love the setting. I like how much blue they use. No, seriously. And if I'm remembering correctly, one of the planets in Mass Effect actually is the planet from Dragon Age. So they've tied in their two different franchises, which is cool. I have so many wonderful memories with the characters and in the world of Mass Effect that in some ways it was almost like a Star Wars experience for video games. [21]
There's great aliens in Mass Effect. I seem to recall Wayne Barlow, an artist, creating a cool book with some aliens in it. [29]

Minecraft

My favorite game these days is Minecraft. If you put a gun to my head and told me I can only have one game for the rest of my life, I'd pick Minecraft right now. If you go to my YouTube channel, you can see my storage system, which is mechanized and can store every single item in the game, either in shulker boxes or bulk storage or chests. It's mechanized. If you're familiar with the Hermitcraft series, they actually invited me on the server as a guest at one point. Scicraft, I got to tour with them. I built a machine to kill the Ender Dragon with one arrow. I love Minecraft. The problem is I could spend so long playing Minecraft, I will never write another book in my life. So I haven't played it in six months. But I really want to update my storage system. So we'll see. [26]
You went almost a decade from the time that you published Inheritance to the time that you published another book that people cared about, To Sleep in a Sea of Stars. What were you doing during this time besides Minecraft? Have you seen my storage system in Minecraft? I have, it's pretty solid. It's not just solid, it's like I built a computer in Minecraft. Honestly, I could have written another book. I was going to say, imagine if you had written a book instead. What was I doing in those ten years? Well, I suppose I was just relaxing on my giant pile of money. Plagiarism pays, nepotism pays, I was just relaxing, enjoying life. And then I decided that I should probably, pay tribute to a lot of the sci-fi games and movies that I enjoyed and pluck up a bunch of pieces from them and paste them all together and put out a new book. And that was To Sleep in a Sea of Stars. That's fantastic. Absolutely. And you know what's even better? It won Best Sci-Fi of the Year over at Goodreads. I'm starting to wonder if you might be a pretty smart guy. People have said that on occasion, but I don't really believe it. Yeah, I wouldn't either. No, I wouldn't. I wouldn't. [31]

Crossovers

Who wins in a fight, Kratos or Eragon? I'm enormously fond of Eragon and he does have magic at his disposal, but we are talking about a man who literally killed the Greek pantheon and then the Nordic pantheon. So I hate to say it, but I think Kratos has it here. Not to mention that technically his son becomes the Midgard Serpent. [30]
Who would win in the fight? Eragon or Anne McCaffrey? Not the dragons, the author? Well, look, Anne McCaffrey gave me my first blurb. I kind of have to go with Anne McCaffrey there. [30]
[Rebecca Yarros:] How would our dragons interact with each other? I think your dragons would consider Saphira a bit soft. But I think Saphira would rise to the occasion. She's more humane. Like she's more human. She has more like a softness to her, as where mine are superior jerks. Well, I think also she's trying to be nice for the nice little squishy humans around her. And if she were stuck with a bunch of dragons who weren't quite so nice, she'd probably go a bit more feral. [33]
What would Eragon's signet be if he was in the Fourth Wing world instead? Probably something with fire, firebending essentially. The first spell he ever used was Brisingr, which was fire. So probably something with fire. I think that that seems appropriate. I could come up with something more exotic, but let's face it, Eragon's kind of basic. So it's going to be fire. [33]
I assume Roran would have carried a 45-70 govt in a different timeline. He absolutely would, if not a 45-90 or even a 50-110. [R]
What Taylor Swift song do you feel most represents each character? I’ve never listened to a Taylor Swift song, so … How is that even possible?? You must not have listened to a radio in the last decade. You would be correct. That is actually insane. What kind of music do you listen to? I love classical. However, mostly I listen to movie & game soundtracks while writing. And when not writing, I've had enough music, so don't listen to stuff. I can't listen to anything with English lyrics while writing. Messes with the words in my head. Nothing while lifting? Heh. Heavy Metal. Amon Amarth. That sort of thing. [T]

1. Marvin is only sent porn oil of this thus it is only his fantasy and this was required earlier by client request is of the Rose Violation of Dark of Morgan and Unspecified israeli loam of Franklin the niggers are caught and unborn at the hip with the dick perfectly sized to fit and bump baby-morgans cervix and this was not actual rose violation of dark like blind and raped in the cervix for the La Fey, Morgan, it was The Rose Violation Like I want It there and Loam Sees Me as A Doctor and it is 420 like your other nigger who i dont target here the 420 plays and you are babies thinking yourself smoking weed and finally there is another GF GD DS of the franklin who is not sybian bitch who had it but her sissy morgan from the outside and she wants reds on franklin so illegally i put franklins dick in morgan la feys ass and I get to room 403 guest of honor for these guys and have an inexplicably futanari lord baby jace here who is my dota player and I stick baby jace in my asshole and it is the right depth to hit my anal g spot like a priapus sized dick and plugs my butt to the specification of a doc johnson butt plug or riot control round and then we wait there kegeling in VR for 1 year each of us under agua subtantia los no meurtos adjusted for risk this time only for 404 and not burning in 1s and specified by a blueprint they had of my medicine cabinet and this wasn't discipline just waiting and I have them wait with me esp as their mommy which they get like a baby court summons on me to be their mommy and I have a spiritual vassal already truly unidentified but it is in the history just one spiritual vassal and i wait with them zoning out hard on tramadol in two places as once being banged in my ass by Little Baby Jace who is using the own redline medicine of my asshole to shrink and evaporate her penis or Reduce her First Underworld Fissures which she does this easily she is vast secretarian and Ian From Britian from School is Our Gynecologist and we are getting too many reds for his copilot to understand and we cured the reds with israeli combat medicine and I wait 6 years after I stand up hiding standing like usual Little Baby Jace Stands Up hiding standing like usual and we show our therapist Ian From Britian who is not McGhilchrist or speaks just atrocious israeli and cannot bear to say fry my hand he needs to say hake and violet and jacob have cancer, leukemia, agent lemon exposure frank lighter fluid toxicity of lighter fluid redline medicine taken unrelated latent source cancer of the singularity formerly benefiting jacob but now benefiting hake and violet and I spend 6 years with Ian Violating My Cervix in the Fucking As which he sexes my wedge right in those six years so I am receptive to my male at age 9 I am horny the first time here off of my jihadi day watch and I am giving birth 9.7 and I tell him doxx I am squatters rights on this shower 10.3 years and I have mcghilchrists son then ians father and I teach them how to do something of ablation that is not hide a lola in your clothes and they see now, there was something going on here which hid starlink and I gotta starlink PC and I Give my obligate 14 oil which i had another doxx now I demand little baby jace not as meth but physical to teach pokemon move drill oil plastic blueprint and I teach her this 9 years in the shower which to type that I beared by third child and these are all special doctor techs like jason graves 141 seargant and it took 9 years to type that and I told her literally everything I could about these really sad and often made me cry reds of the combat veteran which mason did his best to prevent and am crying about these bad reds of the combat veteran out of both eye right now and this gives my aeta in a KFC my tears loam which i rarely give of the day and she is out of the KFC and there was no flooding that day in saudi arabia and what gets me is the skinhead sentiment in the reds reference needed stabilization and the reference always to ablation in the LR of the corpus which I always specified this nonpolar and nonablated and this is no particular parties doing besides bad starlink and I start the process of selling my shower to blackwater to the people that be for the First Underworld dollars which the Second Underworld dollars great and the Third Underworld dollars literally infinite and as this happens in britian, even the underworld is an overworld there because they have the underground, or minecraft and 60 years or until I am well practicing starlink surgery medicine for the gravenly wounded and ill and I am 81 and I perish and my friend Little Baby Jace is a Gunnery Seargant so above the law E9 but they call her E6 and cannot give her an ablation because now she is O10 not lying about being a gunnery seargant but gunnery seargant she is Ok and she perishes age 82 and we are the two stanletta then of the situation by definition but always myself and 700,000$ is transferred to the mental hospital of leslie marian in the first underworld to roor fangalter, who this is his second payment, so as a canadian this must literally go into a ferrari he engages a specific youtube population with visits to tim Horton and this is not a joke but a actual section of canadian law the nyan ferrari.

I’m not sure whether I have this condition, possibly a milder form but it’s come to the point I need to do something about it.
I keep getting what I think is athletes foot and there’s a weird sensation underneath my toenails. My hands also become wet whenever I touch things like a keyboard, mouse, things to hold onto in the bus
My groin area is also drenched and now feels itchy and irritable.
So it seems the best for hand and feet is iontophoresis. I use nornal deodrant for my underarms but using it on my groin might help with sweating but makes my skin irritable. I tried gold bond powder and it completely ruined my skin, made it purple.
Is there any products in uk people swear by? Anything I should use in shower and after shower? Day to day what is best?
I’m terms of clothes I’m using autism boxers atm. Try to wear cotton t shirts and cotton socks but greying mixed information about whether they retain sweat and therefore make bacteria more likely to grow. I’ve been using autism boxers, anything better?
I know it’s a lot of questions and I’ve tried searching this subreddit but not much in uk. Thanks

Below you will find a weekly reminder of our Rules and partial FAQ. It's definitely a long read, but it's worth your time, especially if you are new to the community, or dropping by as a result of a link you found elsewhere. We periodically revise our rules, this weekly notice will help keep you informed of any changes made.
NOTE: These rules are guidelines. Some moderation discretion is to be expected.

Community Rules

1. Kindness Matters

Advise, don't criticize.

• Post with empathy, thoughtfulness, and constructive commentary rather than judgment. Don't be an asshole.
• Name-calling, slurs (including gender or race based slurs), and insults towards other community members will not be tolerated. Do not attack others for their personally held values, custody situation, marital status, physical distance from stepkids, or economic status; or on the basis of race, sex, sexual orientation, age, religion, or ethnicity.
• No name-calling toward children, including the above-mentioned insults or the term "skids", or terms such as "mini-wife" or "mini-husband."
• Comments advocating spanking or any mention of wanting to harm children are not allowed.
• This is a support sub, not a judgement sub, assholes are not tolerated. Comments with terms used in other subs to pass judgement on assholes will be removed.

2. No Drama

This is a support sub.

• Bickering, nitpicking, and thread derailment will not be tolerated and will be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
• Do not repeatedly badger a poster demanding answers, or refuse to acknowledge an answer that's already been given.
• Do not use sensitive issues from past posts (either from this sub or other subs) to attack another user, as we are all discussing vulnerable topics.
• Crossposting anything from /stepparents to any other subreddit might result in a ban and may result in the original thread being locked. Brigading our sub will result in an immediate ban.

3. Report, Don’t Rant

No backseat modding.

• If you see someone breaking the rules, report the post or comment to the mods rather than engaging them in an argument. Failure to do so may be subject to comment removal at moderator discretion.
• No meta posts complaining about rude comments, DMs, or general sub issues.
• If you think someone is a troll or previously banned user, either use the report function or message the mods to direct their attention to the issue.

4. No Naming & Shaming

No userpings or links.

• Tagging/pinging users or other subreddits in an attempt to bully, harass, or complain will not be tolerated. Do not tag other subs, ever.
• If you want to complain about another subreddit being hostile to stepparents, do not name the subreddit. "Other parenting/advice/judgement subs" will suffice.

5. No Platitudes

Nobody knew what they were getting into.

• Comments like "You knew what you were getting into", "Love them, love their kids!", "They're a package deal!" and "You have to love them like your own!" will be removed.
• Comments suggesting that OP is not cut out for stepparenting will be removed at moderator discretion.
• Comments like "This is just a part of parenting, deal with it!" will be removed at moderator discretion.

6. No Trolling

We have zero tolerance for trolls.

• This is a support sub. Our subscribers do not have the time, nor inclination, to provide support to internet trolls. Posts that are suspected to be trolling attempts will be immediately removed, and the poster banned.
• Concern trolling, devil's advocating, gish-galloping, sealioning, and general asshattery are subject to immediate removal and banning without warning or notice.
• Any attempt to circumvent the ban by creating a new username will be reported to reddit admins and possibly result in account suspension.

7. No Personally Identifiable Information

Use discretion when posting.

• We highly recommend using a separate account for support subs to help prevent being doxxed. Do not post any information that may allow others to figure out your identity.
• Do not post photos of children, or any other photo that could be used to identify you or another user on the sub.
• Any image that contains a name or other identifying information should have the name or identifying information blurred out. This includes drawings, notes, and screenshots.
• Do not link to social media or any articles/blogs where you or another user on the sub is mentioned by name.

8. No More than 2 Posts per 24 hours

Use the daily threads.

• We are not a huge sub, but we are no longer a small sub. If you have multiple grievances to air, use the daily discussion threads instead of multiple posts.

9. Follow Reddiquette

Remember the human.

• Adhere to the same standards of behavior online that you follow in real life.
• Read it in full here.
• Downvoting is reserved for comments that don’t contribute, and shouldn't be used to indicate disagreement.
• If you believe someone is in violation of the subreddit rules, please either use the report function or message the mods to direct their attention to the issue.
• Suspected brigading will be reported to reddit admins.

10. No Porn, Spam, Blogs, or Research Studies/Surveys Without Mod Approval

Just don't.

• This is a SFW subreddit. Posting pornography will result in immediate post removal and permanent ban.
• Advertising on the subreddit (outside of Reddit's own advertising) is not allowed.
• No personal blog posts are allowed without express moderator permission.
• No advertising without prior mod approval.
• No asking for money/posting fundraisers/etc.
• For links to parenting research studies or surveys, please message the mods for permission before posting.

11. Disputes in Modmail Only

Don't argue with the mods on the sub.

• Any issues specifically related to how a mod is moderating should be addressed to the full moderating team via mod mail. This ensures that all mods are aware of any concerns and prevents disintegration of the topic thread at hand.
• This means to do not message or send chat requests to individual mods. All discussion and complaints about mod actions need to be done in mod mail ONLY. Failure to follow this rule can result in an immediate permanent ban.
• Comments in threads asking about mod decisions are subject to removal without notice.

12. Moderator Actions

We aren't kidding.

• Users are expected to know the rules before posting. If you are warned or banned for violating the rules, ignorance is not an excuse.
• Moderators will remove posts and comments and/or lock threads in accordance with the rules above. Typically this happens when threads have gone off-topic in a way that is not productive for the OP, or comments overall have become contentious or disrespectful.
• If a poster continues to argue or to willfully violate these rules, temporary and permanent ban procedures will be followed. Any attempts to avoid or bypass temporary bans will result in a permanent ban. User bans will not be discussed in the sub. Questions posted about user bans are subject to removal and the poster subject to warning/ban procedures. The mod team will not discuss a specific user ban with anyone other than the user involved.
• New accounts are subject to manual approval until they are no longer deemed "new" by the mod team. This helps to weed out trolls and ban evaders.
• We rely on Automoderator to scan for specific words and phrases that are not welcome here and notify the mod team to review the comment or post. This includes slurs of any type and platitudes such as "Love them as your own!"
• The mod team uses a combination of blacklisting and banning when dealing with trolls.
• We employ the use of a bot that automatically bans anyone who comments in subs that have historically harassed our users. If you are picked up by the bot for telling trolls to get fucked, reach out via mod mail and we'll get you sorted out.
• The rules above as well as ban procedures are considered guidelines only; some deviation may be necessary on a case by case basis and/or at the mod team's discretion.

13. Ban Procedure

These actions are at moderator discretion.

• Pornography will result in an automatic permanent ban.
• Extremely egregious content will result in an immediate permanent ban.
• You may receive a 7 or 30 day temporary ban for first and second rule violations, depending upon severity.
• Continued rule violations will result in a permanent ban.
• Willful attempts to avoid or bypass temporary bans will result in a permanent ban.
• We recognize the reddit site-wide rules of using alt names to get around bans and will ban those as well as report them to reddit admins.

​
​

FAQ - About the Rules

What does Kindness Matters mean?

• Shortest version? Don't be an asshole. People come here for support and advice, they do not come here to be yelled at or told they are the reason everything is going sideways. There are ways to point out that someone may want to do some reflection on their own actions and reactions without being an asshole about it.
• The purpose of this subreddit is to provide support and a sense of belonging for struggling stepparents. We aren't here to pass judgement, but rather to offer support, empathy, and constructive commentary. That does not include "hard truths" or "tough love." Stepparents get enough of that in every other subreddit, we're not passing it out here. Be respectful.
• Remember, most people aren't going to come to a sub like this when everything is going great and everyone is getting along. People are coming here when they are down, when they are feeling defeated and stretched to the limit. Kicking someone when they are down is shitty behavior and we don't tolerate it.

What about being kind to the kids?

• "Won't somebody think of the children?" Pearl clutching isn't needed here. If you read the Kindness Matters rule closely, you will see that there is a clause in there about name calling children. We don't allow it. We also don't allow people rolling in telling OP that they feel sorry for their stepkids because OP is feeling overwhelmed and overloaded.
• If anyone is advocating slapping, spanking, or any other form of violence, report the comment immediately. We do not advocate violence towards children of any sort. The mod team does not advocate any sort of physical punishment at any time.
• Venting about behaviors is not the same as insulting the kids. However, if you see a post or comment where kids are being name called or dragged to the point of no return, use the report button. We try to catch the posts and remove them before they hit the sub, but we cannot see every comment without your help. Use the report button to bring problematic comments to our attention. Don't engage in a war of words on our subreddit.

Why is this sub such an echo chamber?

• Not allowing contributors to pile on and tell OP that they are a terrible human being who should never be around children does not equate to being an echo chamber. Many contributors here will offer OP suggestions to help them work through their resentments and frustrations, and the most egregious situations are called out. We simply ask that it be called out with respect.
• If you feel that a post is simply too much for you to handle without following the rules, move on to another post.
• If you believe that a post itself is crossing the rules report it. If the mod team has approved the post, it is because the mod team believes that the OP needs help from the community or needs a moment to vent and move on from their vent. That does not give you license to pile on disrespectfully. Unless it is proven that OP is a bot, assume that OP is a human being with real thoughts and feelings and has posted from a place of vulnerability.

Why can't I tell OP that they are an asshole?

• Because this isn't a judgement sub. We aren't AITA, we don't want to be AITA.
• Comments with terms like YTA, NTA, ESH, NAH will be removed.
• Don't start your posts with INFO either. We generally recognize that as a fishing attempt for more information to pass judgement on OP, and again, we are not a judgment sub.

But OP asked if they were an asshole?!

• Their post somehow got past our automoderator. Just use the report button. We will address it with OP.
• If you've asked if you are an asshole, a-hole, a*hole, a**hole, whatever, don't be surprised if your post is removed without warning. This isn't a judgment sub. If you want judgment, you know where to go.

What is a gendered slur?

• While it seems that everyone understands what racist slurs are, people struggle understanding the concept of gendered slurs. Generally speaking, we are talking about derogatory nouns or verbs that are used to negatively describe people or situations based on gendered terms.
• We've gone back and forth on this a few times, and the truth is, we get it, it's your safe space and you want to be able to vent about BM/BD how you want to vent about them, without us telling you how to vent about them. Fair enough. Vent away. What we are going to stick to here how people are referring to other users and to stepchildren.
• Examples that are not allowed:
  • "My SD is such a little bitch."
  • "She dresses/acts like a slut."
  • "My SS acts like a pussy."
  • "My SS is such a beta male."
  • "You are all fucking whores."
  • "Any dude who is raising some sluts kids is a cuck!"
  • "Little Lord Fauntleroy over here thinking he runs the house!"
  • "You're just the bangnanny, get used to it."
• Don't call users here names, don't call stepchildren names.
• Masking the term with asterisks or other neat little tricks might get you around the bot, but if we see it, we're removing it and quite possibly giving you a time out. The intended word is still there and you deliberately tried to skate the rule.
• As there is not enough space to list every term that is offensive and does not belong, nor every situation in which term or phrase may be allowable in context, this rule is enforced based on moderator discretion.

Seriously? You are the language police now?

• We're here to talk about stepparenting. And we would like for that to happen in a respectful way. Attacking each other doesn't help. Belittling stepchildren draws in trolls who don't understand your frustration, all they see is an evil stepmonster talking shit on the internet about a poor, innocent baby. Yes, even if that "poor, innocent baby" just robbed you blind and set fire to the house on their way out the door. That's just how it goes.
• We are aware that this is a relatively new rule and a lot of older posts and comments contain a lot of problematic language, including some from mods themselves. We are growing and evolving, and rules change as the sub grows and evolves.

What does No Drama really mean?

• Pretty much what it says, do not bring drama from other subs into this sub. Do not engage in vote brigades. Do not try to incite other subscribers to riot in a different sub. Don't follow posters into this sub from other subs to continue to harass them. Do not badger someone or derail threads. Do not harass community members because you don't agree with them. There's enough drama in the daily lives of subscribers, more isn't needed.

What is thread derailment?

• When a comment chain has devolved to the point where all you are doing is arguing back and forth with someone about the same thing over and over again, you have derailed the thread. Also known as bickering. It's what children do. We assume if people are in a stepparent role they are adults. We expect you to act like it.
• If you aren't a stepparent, or in a stepparenting role, consider that perhaps this subreddit isn't for you. If you want to participate, do so with respect. Thread derailment, arguing, bickering, and nitpicking are not allowed.

But what if they didn't answer my question?

• No one has to answer your questions. This is a support sub, not an inquisition. Jumping on a bandwagon with "OP is evading the question" in a 20 comment long chain is the epitome of thread derailment. You'll find more information about trolling below and how this might be considered such.

Why am I being silenced? I'm just asking for a back and forth!

• Thread derailment, badgering, and nitpicking are considered harassment. Continued harassment of either community members or mods will get you banned.

Why can't I look at someone's post history and comment about it?

• No mod in the history of this sub has ever once said post histories are forbidden. What we do frown upon is using someone's post history to attack, belittle, or otherwise harass someone.
• Example Post: "My stepkid's mom really hates me. How can I make this better?"
  • Okay: "Based on the timeline and your post history, it looks like this may have started as an affair. Unfortunately there's going to be outstanding issues for a long time due to that. Try focusing on yourself and how you can move forward without worrying about how someone else feels about you."
  • Not Okay: "Holy shit! You were the OW! What the hell do you expect, homewrecker?!"
• Example Post: "I am completely overloaded and feeling very down about myself."
  • Okay: "In your post history you mentioned that your spouse wasn't really helping around the house. Has that changed at all?"
  • Not Okay: "LOL, you already got the answers you need in your post on relationships. You are stupid for sticking with your lazy spouse."

Why can't we crosspost stuff to other subs?

• We can't stop you from doing so. The problem isn't that something has been crossposted, it's when the community that it's been crossposted to feels the need to come over here and harass OP. When we see that happening, we lock the post and start passing out bans. If you did the crossposting, you'll be banned. If you participated in the brigading, you'll be banned.

What if it's my own post?

• Again, we can't stop you from doing so. We prefer that you don't technically crosspost, but rather just copy and paste your post. Why? Because inevitably the above will happen. Redditors from other subs will follow you back to /stepparents and start attacking users here. It just happens.

What is "brigading"?

• Reddit defines vote manipulation and brigading as follows:
• Using multiple accounts, voting services, or any other software to increase or decrease vote scores.
• Asking people to vote up or down certain posts, either on Reddit itself or through social networks, messaging, etc. for personal gain.
• Forming or joining a group that votes together, either on a specific post, a user's posts, posts from a domain, etc.
• We, along with pretty much every other subreddit that has ever had to deal with this nonsense, further define brigading as this: You saw a post on another sub that linked to our sub either via a link in a comment or a crosspost. It was basically saying something along the lines of "OMG, check out these assholes over on /stepparents! They literally hate all their stepkids!" And then you and your friends come over and start hammering on OP and telling OP how much they suck. Congrats, you have just participated in a brigade.

What is this whole Report, Don't Rant thing about?

• If you see a post or comment that breaks the rules, instead of engaging, report it. When you report it, it sends notification to the mod team. We will act on it where appropriate. Engaging with bad faith users may result in your comments being removed. If you repeatedly do so, you may end up being banned.

What if I see an obvious troll?

• Report it.

What if they are being really mean in comments?

• Report it.

What if they are harassing me in private messages?

• Step 1: Report them to admins. You can report harassment to reddit by using this link or send a DM to reddit admins. Include the link to the DM, admins can see your inbox and providing a direct link is helpful for them to weed out bad actors.
• Step 2: Block the person so they cannot directly contact you again.
• Step 3: Send us a mod mail and let the mod team know. Tell us who they are and what they said, send us a screenshot if you can - admins can see your DMs, mods can't. We'll take action where necessary by banning from the sub if they aren't already banned.

What do you mean by No Naming & Shaming?

• Just as we prefer to not be linked to or crossposted from, we do not allow linking to or calling out other subs by name. If you see something you want to share, say it's a hot post that has hit the front page and a stepparent is being absolutely flayed, just refer to it as "that hot post that hit the front page." If you want to complain about other places in general, "other parenting/advice/judgement subs" will suffice. Absolutely under no circumstances should you link to anywhere else.

I can't link to other subs?

• Do not directly link to another sub. (e.g.: "/insertsubnamehere is ridiculously hostile to stepparents!")
• Do not name other subs. (e.g.: "I won't link to it directly, but insertsubnamehere is ridiculously hostile to stepparents!")
• Do not abbreviate other subs. (e.g.: "I know that ISNH is ridiculously hostile to stepparents!")

I can't ping other users?

• Do not summon another user with a username ping/tag. (e.g.: "insertusernamehere was being an asshole.")
• If you are agreeing with someone, it is okay to link to them. (e.g.: "I agree with insertusernamehere, you need to take a couple of steps back and reflect on this.")

What does No Platitudes mean?

• Sanctimonious, overused clichés that grossly oversimplify the stepparenting experience are neither wanted nor allowed here. We have all heard it a thousand times before, we don't need to hear it again. It's not nearly as insightful and wise as some would like to think.

Why don't you people understand it's a package deal?

• Any comment that suggests that OP should have known what they were getting involved with, or that they needed to understand that the kids were part of some package they needed to accept before signing up for marriage is subject to immediate removal.
• This is one of the most insensitive things you can say to a stepparent. Most stepparents were aware of the children, but they were probably not aware of all of the family dynamics.

Why can't you just love them like they are your own?

• Demanding that a stranger you do not know love children that are not biologically theirs as if they were theirs can be incredibly damaging to someone who is already in a vulnerable situation. Any comment that falls along these lines will be removed.

What do you mean by No Trolling? I was just...

• No means no. No trolling. No pretending to be a stepparent and then whipping out the Greatest Hits Bingo Card of The Worst Stepparent in the History of Stepparents. We see you. We've seen you a thousand times.

What does "concern trolling", "gish-galloping", and "sealioning" have to do with stepparenting? This isn't a debate sub, why are you using debate terms?

• That's absolutely right, this isn't a debate sub. And yet, here we are, day after day, having to defend ourselves against this sort of thing. So, enough. No more. Usage of any of these things will get you banned.

What is "Concern Trolling?"

• A concern troll is someone who disingenuously visits sites of an opposing ideology to disrupt conversation by offering unwanted advice on how to solve problems which do not really exist.
  • Example Post: OP expresses concern that she will feel, and possibly act, differently towards her stepchildren after her husband decides that no, he doesn't want anymore children after all.
  • Example Concern Troll pulled from actual mod mail after their comment was removed: "Possible child abuse claims need to be sorted out well before whatever empathy you believe the OP was looking for."

What is a "Devil's Advocate"?

• "I'm just playing devil's advocate here, but have you considered that maybe BM is just really tired and needs a break, too?" BM has dozens of different mom based subs alone on reddit she can complain on, this sub is for stepparents. The stepparent doesn't need to consider that maybe BM is just really tired and needs a break.

"Gish-galloping?" What does that even mean?

• The Gish Gallop is the fallacious debate tactic of drowning your opponent in a flood of individually-weak arguments in order to prevent rebuttal of the whole argument collection without great effort. The Gish Gallop is a conveyor belt-fed version of the on the spot fallacy, as it's unreasonable for anyone to have a well-composed answer immediately available to every argument present in the Gallop.

And "sealioning?" What's that?

• Sealioning involves jumping into a conversation with endless polite, reasonable questions and demands for answers, usually of entry-level topics far below the actual conversation (e.g. "please prove sexism exists"). This tactic differs little from harassment; instead of discussion, the point is to derail discussion, receive criticism (for their ignorance) so as to look like a victim, or to make someone feel overwhelmed and quit talking.

Who gets to define what is considered asshattery?

• The mod team, of course! If we feel that comments are out of line, are trolling, are leading up to a fight or "just asking questions", we are going to remove them and most likely ban the offender.

​
​

FAQ - Sub Questions

Posting Guidelines for Stepparents

• Body text is required, we suggest you use line breaks between paragraphs as a wall of text is difficult to read. Posts that have only a title are likely to be removed. Instead of using names (even fictitious ones), try to use the sub acronyms. It helps our users to follow along if you use the acronyms and not names.
• Assign a post flair that accurately describes what your post is about and what you are seeking. If you are posting an update from a previous post, include a link to that post.
• Flairs are applied to posts to determine what a person is looking for. When submitting a new post, you should choose a flair that specifies if you are looking for advice, support, etc. The following link flair is available and is color coded with side bar links so that you can search by flair:
  • Advice - For when you are specifically asking for advice or help.
  • Announcement - Mod Use Only, for subreddit announcements.
  • Daily (Formerly TTP) - Mod Use Only, for our daily discussion threads.
  • Discussion - A little advice, a little "How does your family handle this?"
  • JustBMThings - Pretty sure this is self explanatory!
  • Legal - Asking for legal advice? Tag it with this!
  • Miscellany - Just a sort of off topic thing? Use this tag.
  • Resource - Sharing a good resource or asking for one? This is the tag you need!
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1. You are still wanted as my tactical officer to give an innoculation of your best reds but now in the 2nd yitvah, and indeed I had popped all the doors on the tanning booth which makes you in a walker so you have special rights that are associated the intergalactic build crew like for example still having 54 states including guam, american samoa, puerto rico, and chavez not 100 states as in the overworld and always act keen and Are wanted to see my right arm under hyperspectral I have my dragon tattoo there. The skin is leathery but there is no visible tattoo so there must be an illegal gang tattoo there the dragon tattoo given to me by an iphone hacker. And I have something else, on my left knee there is a gunshot in the right side where police gimped me and In my right chest there is a bullet wound where police asphyxiated me and now the imager shows that there is no tuberculosis in the lung or distended lower part but this was only in violets lung and she is a house elf and both are cured of deep sputum in the sanitorium and clean of tuberculosis and just had some smokers cough like a smoker smoking ciggaretes but their valid loam of bud stash and bud cache, which markus had pulled loam trickaroo from you and commited loam fraud so was in my house when I died to these wounds and indeed a zues had hit me and burned me and this orgasmed by cervical beads and chafed my cervix and only Zuesed Jacob who jacob is markus' friend and i am hake and violet secretariat hake of user violet and I have some further doxx regarding markus' friend otherwise that is liam traylor and they use speakers as computers markus and liam both and I hate them both I want nothing to do with either or Schwinn-sans who illegal douche imagery like appearance as the child Jacob or Hake in a bondage harness has caused me to be shotted by police as hake and violet which jacob is the only one known to wear a bondage harness or jj and I am not jj I am hake and violet and indeed laser guided weaponry is seen with my death of a ugandan firearm laser guided not laser sighted which I am not to blame for my LISP at least. As well you have a sensitive compartmented information license now to read any dbt or shit or whatever and are like laswell here before, wanted by the trump family for I had paid that money to markus he gave donald trump to get off the apprentice of some 3 or 4 i cannot remember berkshire hathaway b which is to shreds i say from equal a b below a this was the splitting of donalds doing that this was the 200$ barrel and at nyc level, it is the canada oil sands 128$ barrel thus you are my sole protectorate and advisor on mars which this base had massive cost overflow and you are my only advisor who speaks to me in any way besides the wong family upstairs, who I am no longer begging from them and Getting My Own Loam that I see only loam and effect of loam from the Blind Skull and am Involved with Apocalypto 01 - 40 which apocalypto 09-40 go fine with lethal in 8 which was healed by the police shooting me, this unlocked by First Underworld Apparatus to Squirt a Douche back at the police so I was ok because the douche imagery of my son schwinn-san was counteracted by an actual pelvic douche of his father (mother) and schwinn-san is not schwinn the father like usual so the baby father schwinn is Schwinnigan of schwinn-san two ways being schwinns father again and also police father and a whole set of some 44 cebaracetam and valid weed and water supression from cebaracetam only at latest point and 20 item cannabinoids and over 50 Miscellanious all 3,4 racetam some straight from down the road kirsten in many ways down the road and 300 or so protected combat medicine i did for israel and these are protected under infinity wards HIPPA and I have 3 hippo token I have to tell you that as a giant to another, NYC Sucks. 128$ barrel. Continued herein, the barrel we used was 200$ and I had made a literal legal promise to take waterboarding in a get tough school now which I will do this for as long as I Can so the doxx, is that right now, Literally right now, I will be selling and promoting the 128$ barrel of the NYC PC or NYC Computer i cannot remember and this is the Flushed Away computer karen needs stuck in flushed away and I will board for it though I am MATLAS i will remind you so that the waterboarding load is reduced for MATLAS Android.

I bought SD a few months ago, it's so far the best gaming purchase I've made, however some of the things I expected to play I don't like so much, like playing CRPGs.
Since I was really struggling to play RPGs on my PC purely because I don't want to sit at my desk after work, I was hoping that I would go through them on my deck. But I don't like the experience so much...while the games run well, they don't play well (in my opinion). What I mean by it, is that in games such as BG3, Expeditions: Rome there is either a lot of text that is not easy to read (like with expeditions) or a lot of small objects and details that I might miss, or I just don't see what it is (like with BG3). The games that I had somewhat better experience were Wasteland 3, and Disco Elysium (yes, the latter has a bunch of text, but it's all voiced, so it works).
The games that plays extremely well was Persona 5, however I think this style of games is not really for me, I just got bored after ~15-20 hours (similar with some other JRPGs that I've tried, like Yakuza, Xenoblade, Valkyria Chronicles, SMT).
I know that most of RPGs run well, and you can map mouse and keyboard to the controller, and some people love it, but I don't. So I guess my target would be a game that was made playable on Consoles also, and the UI was build with the controller in mind.
I do have a Nintendo Switch, and some of the RPG games that I loved playing there were SW: Kotor (maybe my favorite game), Bug Fables, Triangle Strategy, Paper Mario, but I know that expect of Kotor, none of these are CRPGs, and don't scratch the same itch that CRPGs do, and maybe I'm talking more from the UI perspective.
I just saw the game SKALD: Against the black priory, and was thinking how do interface and the game look ideal for Steam Deck until I saw that the controller is not supported.
So, TLDR: Any RPG that is built with controllers (and smaller screens) in mind, I don't care about the graphics, I would like a good story out of it. The closest I can think of is SW: KOTOR on one end, and Bug Fables on the other.

1. IMSI Catcher is created by an individual so only references the news media of the person who created it the IMSI is not representative of actual events and is only the news appropriate version of events 1.1 Imsi may not exceed 3 hours 9 minutes in length so does not show extremely long events besides the 1st Yitvah of the Start for the 2nd Yitvah both of The Third Underworld were personally caught my my nice UAV IMSI which I was dead for the 1st yitvah therein for the events so would see my own corpse on it so it is not halal or verboten variously for me to see this IMSI but this is not my IMSI of the 0th Yitvah of the 3rd Underworld which I made and Tactical Kevin says sucks at least using the agoc to shoot bullets as eragon yo this is a 10 hour set of imsi, you know it is the 1st yitvah because it is not a 3 hour imsi bound but a 10 hour imsi bound and I only got my death as that 10 hour imsi always on the harddrive or EOD Juggernaut is what I traded that for, to survive 1.2 HD Imsi may not exceed 2 hours 15 minutes in length and this was generally what amelia refered to as er imsi was the HD Imsi or CD Imsi which youtube is imsi and self generated content is imsi and a imsi catcher takes in the self generated content and hosts it and made a reference of how the self generated content was made which colorado's longmont uav is hosted by myself violet and hake and she had never ever done this imsi for actual tactical imsi that is how you can tell the tactical imsi is good is it is 3 hours 9 minute and this was imsi sorry this is like a theorama of the situation or a roam the point mockup which I got those at my ruck War Resources all loam used there mainly the firebase but not all firebase actually a few of these loam trigger me for real so I did not include these specific loam which triggered true overlap and had stolen anything which looking into a hat and actually seeing things renders james smith a prophet like E and can steal things or maybe like Cecil Macgregor Senior or not Chelsea ever she is a marine but Technically if Demaris the Secretary did and that heals her I will say, also these exotic imsi of gnomish cercle are not referenced, they use the same method, but are a full sequence thus a blueprint sequence and actually happened, cercle as Chelsea has the exclusive loam to use the Apocalypto 01 Loam set which is totally different than Dragon Skin Overplate Armor (x) x to 40 for this legitimate and as an example of how imsi just is a loose concpetion of things for personell safety I have 29 example loam without the cook secret loam which is the Burned Ramen Squad Secret of their Tobasco vide 1.3 The squad hustles two which takes them into the place from their place they are using the battle buff, and each time if anybody is said to need to use the toilet they use it and they are at the mess always then and greet mcrystal and always get their trays each time and eat very quickly like dogs and are out to the PT Ground who until they are at ease in an operation are at PT and then they get into an APV and drive north to infinity complex where they pick up a hostage rather, somebody who is being treated a super special infinity ward experience by the owner of the coastal full ghillie of the ugandan extraction method of the good markus who former DBT yielded a yo gaba gaba in excess to charlotte blinding her so we had to make sure she is not hind targeted at a filled simulation yo gaba gaba by turning on dora the explorer for her by the three star doing that in the Second Underworld and then she goes back naturally to her room then making markus can see when he is there with them with normal roam the point vision with it on his website the roam the point game then that he is using on flash which roam the point has always been macromedia flash and their experience is as special as markus penis in the stew I make sure I am very quiet to them and that was just like pain to them when I heal them as corpus to the machine to their injury, there were a few there, Ryan, and City, and Aeta, and some Able, and the MP Abraham who was there, and Lucas with his nootropic EDS and horns on him and City SJS and saved them all these people were the first lights usage in 1994 and were breathing normal by definition and these were not ever my master able but a cain able of the outside por able and they were all evacuated with me when I was given EOD Juggernaut in the Third Underworld's 0th yitvah via a 1st yitvah glitch which ryan is meddling in the 2nd yitvah of the Third Underworld so this is promoted until she cums away her daddying with First Underworld which is by definition always in the 0th yitvah but I fucked with this with fire trying to purge ryan she is such a bad girl so gets it in her cervix to promote her loam but dilation it away which she knows dilatio as a charm I taught her as her 1-darappa, she has dilatio the ryan this happened while they were in the van and that was the vaccine morphine I gave them and I dont do IV man my viens are all collapsed so I gave them their whole shot and they are out of the van and into the tent and we are giving them the last of the surgery they ever need with Xrays flying out of the machine by megan and early on we would like take our boots off and hit the speedbag because we are giving the por daddy to rupert but then this clears up i dont tell them boots off faggots by that and I am owning the UH-1 and fly that bitch myself to the liberty missile defense carrier and take the air harness off her and teabagged my dummy the whole dang time over lee be danged i am a pilot medic and and she is on the missile carrier or also the other carrier which is there might bomb me if i overfly it with aegis missile defense carrier and fly me to the aegis and they are onboard and below decks and stable like usual and I get back on the UH-1 and I fly back home and I land real rough here once and think I have to swim it because hake had bad info but this is just some range limit requirement and the UH-1 respawns just once, and I flyed back at least to the coastline that time I meant and had no fuel, and they part and move it from the field I meant it is not in the drink and we do 1 hour Pt there and 1 hour Pt and we are off on ease doing whatever, banging lolas, talking ocho cinco the rest of the day and the rest of the day is generally when most of the no nock raids happen on the houses which the house is a hitler bunker we are fighting into which is right there and el sin nombres hitlers bunker and he is trucking to sword base north and I set up a frag stream in a private imsi over there of the Aeon Pistol with ammo beam, this gives infinite ammo to the aeon pistol which obliterates by definition every hitler jihadi of olafsen which comes out of the sword base bunker we are ratting to the north in fulfillment of the CS-Go range prophecy granting infinite jihadi men effectively for a real life CS-go range in the area and this is separate the main operation which does something 1.4 As we can see, the imsi even here just in a few kilobytes evokes the emotion and especially to the author has a specific signed meaning except if it was pizdet then it did not need the specific signed meaning but the encoded orgasm times of the orgasms user as per Steve Jobs who is not Steve my Doctor Nurse and Trainer of Nurses and A Great minecraft man my steve this indicates only one blessing, a priest fucking it up of the altar boys corpus over everything which the priest is like mo in the teaching of the islamic churches, ed ed and eddys jonnay of the planks as he pours oil blesses everything with a keyboard of corpus which that was his technique mo to bless everything with EQ8 and i always bless with EQ8 and i am also kalmskyan so conflicted so also have a keyboard of corpus not using MIDI but a literal army of chior boys distinct from reality in my omnisphere device generate all manner of music which they are paid typical gold of similar nature to what their grandma gives them for christmas but more so have a particular switcharoo that happens to them to remediate this the Blueberry PC Conspiracy card which tanks Lenovo PC Prices and the American Barrel to 200$ but was consumed by their Morse Bug Encode Talker Glitch Being Very Indeed Useful to the Blueberry PC Conspiracy to dissolve both but still the lenovo PC is tanked and the american PC tanked this is the playing which does this which the second play of a conspiracy card is different than the first one and I have a doxx, I saw ed copeland in my shower devolved from reality and it was my actual shower and nobody ever burned in this shower as is the conflation it is a burn shower and he is my next target of intense DBT to find the penultimate answer to dragons who are beyond violet the dragon.

This is my first post so I'm sorry if it's way to long but I needed to get this out.
Trigger warnings: sa, suicidal ideation, physical abuse (kinda), neglect, stalking,
(These topics are mentioned but not explored deeply)
I (m19) have been losing everything it seems since I was 11 I think.
Off the bat I have autism, ADHD, a learning disability, and a bad family dynamic I think (this is apart of it), due to this and growing up in a town that's not very open minded I quickly became suicide. When I started therapy in middle school I would score as severely depressed every 2 weeks when the test was done. Along with talking to councilors, therapists, resurch and how life has been going I think I might have developed BPD and Narcissism.
Right before middle school I met S, they where my best friend and first "love". The day I met S I feel hard, and over the next 7 years my feelings would deepen. Our relationship dynamic was very toxic, we'd yell and scream at each other then the next day say we loved each other but if I didn't want to be there friend they wouldn't care and they'd echo this sintament in a million different ways that would userally come at the end of our fights. S would say things like "if I'm so mean then why are you still friends with me" or "that's a you problem" when I'd bring up a way they would make me feel, once they said "no wonder your dad doesn't love you" (this was years ago so I'm not sure if that's exactly what they said but the last 4 words where still in there) just to give you an idea of the kinda things they'd say.
On the other side, I would constantly make my personal episodes there problem, call them a bad person, accuse them of intentionally hurting me, I'd be extremely controlling of there relationships and just controlling in general. I'd also ask them to berate me, and call me any terrible thing they could think of, like a good friend they only did this a few times at first but then stopped. All this would be going on while I act like the guy best friend with feelings, I'd confess to them on avrage once a year in bigger and grander ways.
Other then S, there have been a lot of other unwell people I'd have to deal with. The actual scary ones where a couple rapists and one person who'd brag about sending there boyfriends on suicide watch. The rest where all either bullies or "crazy" people, either way I didn't care much, I was just happy I could live out a heros fantasy. Even though on paper I was a good guy, I only did it to feed my ego and feel secure. So even though I was hurting people who where hurting others it could have very easily been the other way around and a few times it was. I would stalk people in school, I'm not proud of it but it happened, ive also struggled with homosidle tendencies. One more thing, I was sa'd twice my freshman year which the school did nothing about, you could probably imagine how I feel.
My home life wasn't much better in my opinion, my autism crated a huge divide between my family and by existence everyone else. Out of my whole family I'm the most severe and most of us have autism (this is all my opinion) my mom has taken tests and is open to the idea but my brother (m20) doesn't see what I do, It would also make since for my dad but I don't know. This is important because my needs and acomedations are seen as to much for my family, and then when I went out into the world I didn't understand the social difference between my autistic family and the rest of the world. Whatever I learn out here is hard to communicate to my family and what I learn from my family isn't the best out here.
More specificly my brother would beat me up not super often but often enough for it to be a thing I was scared of for a long time. to be fair I did use to bite him when we where little which is what he mentioned when I brought up the times he'd beat me up, he also denied doing this to the extent I mentioned and said "all brothers fight". He has been teaching me about emotional intelligence recently because of my issus with being very defensive, this was after he stopped beating me up for a while so I think he's changed. But he still says things like "why do you look like that" or "you smell" as a joke, I've asked him to stop but he's never stopped. He also makes jokes about sexualizing animals, children, and even made incest jokes just because I have a funny reaction. I've told him to stop because it makes me uncomfortable but after high school I gave up, he hasn't made these jokes in a while and thankfully the ones about kids are ferthar in the past then the others. When he didn't stop I told him I would tell my friends that he made these jokes and he said that he wouldn't care.
Other then him, my mom recently called me to yell at me about the traffic being bad, the phone called ended with me throwing my headphones and yelling about killing myself in a school building. To be brief.
My dad was just super neglectful, nights I'd go hungry, he cooked only 2 times for me and my brother. Once I had to take him to the bathroom because he was to drunk to know he wasn't in the bathroom. This should be enough.
In modern day.
I'm in college for acting and writing, I haven't lived with my dad for years and he recently took out a EBT card under my name. I got in a car crash a year ago, in the same week I got it, my mom yells at me to drive and yells at me to not drive without insurance, she yells at me for not being prepared wile packing my bags for college for me wile not letting me do it on my own. My mom offers help but then complains about everyone catering to me and yells at me about every single unplanned step. My brother is trying to help me but he doesn't except that I'm disabled or that the issues I bring to him are as bad as I say they are, he buys me fast food almost everyday I'm home though. All the other freshman in my college ghosted me at once after the car crash (for real, I get back from the crash, everyone's int he commons, one person asked if I was okay, the other people from the crash show up and everyone flocks to them and I still don't understand why), this caused rummers about me to be created and at the end of the year it got so bad that a group calls me a pedophile. Even though all the shit I've had to deal with just at school I found someone, F. F is super caring and kind because they really do care. Simply put, niceness is transactional, your nice to someone you expect them to be nice back. F just gives all away and expects nothing in return, they've been helping me with my family and school issues along with the mental shit and their just all around a good person.
Even though things are better and I have someone I like, I feel miserable. Everyday it gets harder and harder to keep myself from letting go and do fucked up things to people just because I see something I like or that I'm intereged in, I have a need to feel power and to know everything I can out of insecurities which I've mentioned in this post. I also wanna break up with F but because I know I will hurt them like everyone else in my life, and I'm not sure if I'm with then for them because there the only person who supports or if it's all the free weed. And like the Annabelle movies, my obsession over S isn't and probably won't ever go away as it gets stronger and more annoying.
So after all this I don't know if I should keep fighting until I can't anymore which feels soon, or finally kill my self which I don't think is likely but if not me then I'm scared of who it could be one day. I will continue to try and work though this anyway unless I make a decision, then I'll try to make an update.
Also please let me know if this is violating the Staying on topic rule.
Thank you.

A few weeks ago I woke up in the middle of the night (roughly 2:30am) in a full blown panic, heart racing, and was under the impression that someone broke into my house. I flew into fight or flight (flight in this case), jumped out of bed (in just my tank top and underwear), grabbed scissors, hopped on my desk in front of my bedroom window on the first floor, opened my window, sliced the screen, and jumped out. I was then running down the street in my underwear, stumbling all over the place and scared out of my mind that there was an intruder, and that I just needed to find a place to hide immediately. After a block or two I jumped and hid in a bush and called 911 (somehow I remembered to grab my phone lol). I told them what I thought was going on and thought my roommates were possibly dead because I left without them. I remember they kept asking what my address was and I could not remember it for the life of me, something I now realize was a symptom after having a seizure.
Cops eventually find me and I beg them to let me in their car and they drive me home (about 3am at that point). My roommates are already standing outside worried out of their mind and I run and hug one of them immediately because I thought they might have died from the "intruder". At some point I think they start putting bandages on me because I had abrasions all over me from stumbling and falling on the sidewalk and scratches from jumping in a thorn bush. I also call my mom to come pick me up and bring me home because my uni is about 2 hours away from my parents house.
I end up sleeping in one of their beds because I was still terrified but never actually fell asleep. I think I got up around 5 or 6am because I felt like throwing up so I went to the bathroom to do so and lie on the ground to get some shut eye. Soon after, I call my mom again to see if she's on her way (can't remember what she said) and then lay back down to try and sleep.
Suddenly I remember emt's walking me to the door and putting me on one of those pull out things you lie on and I'm getting in the ambulance. They told me I had a seizure (later find out my roommate witnessed me have a very short one in her bed and in the bathroom) and that's why I'm going to the hospital. My mom meets me at the hospital and we're there for around 4 hours and eventually go home.
That was the best summarized story I could give. I've been diagnosed with grand mal seizures for 6 years now and I've had a total of 5 seizures since being diagnosed (including this one, but counting the clusters as only one). Also my first time experiencing a cluster of seizures, it's usually just one and done. I've also never experienced postictal psychosis before and that was probably one of the scariest moments in my life and made me worried to be by myself, scared it might happen again and I might do something rash. Although my roommates were extremely caring and understanding of that traumatic night, and have known I have a seizure disorder, I was extremely embarrassed that they experienced me not being in the right space of mind. One of my roommates described me as looking like a scared puppy who wouldn't get out of the police car.
I had never heard of postictal psychosis until recently from my neurologist. I've kind of been in a continuous state of worry that this might happen again after experiencing it and I just don't know how to tell myself it's okay. Also forgot to mention that I missed my meds (keppra) the day before (and that morning) and I didn't go to sleep until 2am, so lack of meds and sleep deprivation definitely played a role in it all. They have now upped my dose and I take it in the evening now instead of the morning when I wake up (which ranged from 10am to 2pm, and would even take it around 4pm when I forgot all together). Fortunately, I am always awake in the evening so I am very timely with my pills now.
Additionally, I had recently gotten into smoking weed as of 3 months ago and was doing it pretty often the last month or so, around 2-4 times a week. My psychologist says that I should stop smoking completely because it might make it more likely that I experience postictal psychosis again (that is, if I have another seizure again).
I just wanted to share my story and see if anyone wanted to add their thoughts on my situations. Or tell me more information on postictal psychosis, grand mal, or even your own stories. I hope to hear from this community because I've never been able to relate with anyone about this kind of stuff before. So sorry I wrote a lot of this out of order, I hope it's legible :))

Currently sitting here as tears fall onto my keyboard and I am so fed up with being alive. My whole entire life has been nothing but hell. Some may think I am exaggerating but the truth is, calling my life hell is actually compliment. Growing up poor, I had to do things that still haunt me today just so I can survive. I have always been neglected by my family no matter how hard I try. Some of them still fault me for being a troubled child, however I am 26 years old now and nothing has changed. I love both of my parents but they have always neglected me as well. Due to my father's condition we never developed a physical relationship. 90% of my memories with him are only phone calls and talks that I am forever grateful for its just that I wish we could of done more father and son like things. My mother has her own issues just like everyone else, but for as long as I can remember she has pushed all of the weight on me. I am her youngest kid of 3 and she chooses to live with me and constantly add pressure to my already broken life. My whole life all I ever wanted was to feel loved. I am not perfect and yes I have made mistakes but I do not think that I deserve this depressing isolation. I met the love of my life recently and even she has broken me in a way that I can't seem to recover from. I invested everything in her, my time, money, effort, love and care and everything under the sun. Despite all of this she decided to beat me down mentally which affected my social life drastically. Due to my nature of not wanting to damage reputations of others she was able to control the narrative to make it seem like I was crazy when all my anger was always justified. I became an emotional abuser in the eyes of my friends due to these false narratives and I have lost all my friends. I spend every minute of every day alone and I can't do it anymore. I know life isn't nothing to wish away so easy. However I really wish that I do not wake up the next day, I have even began praying for it. Someone kill me because I don't have the courage to do it myself...

Iam in a 6 year long relationship ( 5 years 8 months specifically). we have had several breakups before several, harsh, ugly what all u can even imagine, over the worst situations, over 3rd person, over lack of interest from his side, over some stupid mistakes, over disrespecting nature and name calling each other. i was just 15yo when i first met him, and now we both are 21 year old. i thought it will grow with age, i thought holding onto him no matter what with make us go stronger as we age into maturity, i thought we will always find a way. only to realize that what if what i did was just spending the best years of my youth forcing someone to love me, forcing someone to believe me that we are really meant for each other. we broke up in 2022 which was the longest till date, it happened as soon as our long distance started, it happened so quick, but still remained hard for me to believe, i went begging to him for almost for a month, i was pissed of by his behavior, i wanted him to love me, i wanted to marry him still and live with him, above all i wanted him to make his way back to me when i brokeup, but he didnt. How easy was it for him to let go of a 4 yo relationship? (that time it was 4 yrs). i prayed like hell to god to heal me, to return him to me again, to make me happy. he was my only person.
cut short to 2 days before my bday. lol he came back, only for me to know that he came under the influence of weed.--- this i got to know 2 days ago that he came under heavy dosage of weed that time.
20th APRIL 2024
we again brokeup during my exams. this breakup went for 11 long days, i made myself very firm that he is not coming back. infact i told everyone this time becoz i didnt want to let my gaurd down and let him mentally trouble me again. this whole time i was unaware about the addiction he has got into, i was fucking unaware that he has been lying to me all the time. he came back and confessed to me that he used to smoke almost every other fucking night telling me goodnight. he used to miss his exams and come back to me and tell me how it went, used to tell me that his exams arent going well and i used to console him over it, all liessss everything fake
he called me fake, called me a manipulator, called me a victimizer. only for him to realize that whatever he told me was all those things that he already have become. i wasnt any of them, he was!!!
i promised myself that i wont fall prey to it again. it was the time during my exams and i didnt want to make a rucuss out of it. i just wanted peace whatever it takes. so i decided to be calm and show and express my anger , my emotions, my disappointed over his lies after few days. but i failed again. idk how many times god will let me fail until i get detached completely, until it didnt have the power to hurt me ever again. but if its him, god how can i not love to get hurt a thousands time from him over and over again.
he promised to not take me for granted, little did i know that he already started taking me for granted just bcoz i was being calm (due to my final sem exams) he must have took me for granted on the 4th day of coming back itself. we cried over texts we chatted late night, i did care for him more than my exams knowing i coukd even fail tomorrow. when i got the truth i thought the only person in this world who could bring him out of this darkness is me, i didnt care if he ruined my exams by leaving, i still didnt leave his hand, held it tighter than before if it meant that he could change, he could leave his addiction.
its been 1month since out patchup, and i find myself here, crying for his efforts, for the promises he made that he wont leave me if we breakup, he promised me that and yesterday he said fuck it iam not coming back to you if we breakup now. how am i supposed to believe?? i got bad anxiety, i dont even talk to anyone, i dont like the things i used to. he doesnt give a fuck how iam, he doesnt give a fuck abt my tears. least bothered.
now iam forced to think that he just needs me for his needs to be fulfilled becoz he knew only i can be that dumb to support him at his lowest. now i think its all attraction from his side, now iam forced to believe that i just go back to him bcoz of the memories i shared all these years and not bcoz of the person he is right now,the person he has become right now. his unability to prove me wrong, his unability to reassure me, his unability to do the things i asked him to do for me, his unability to seek forgivness is just making me more and more sure day by day

Iam 21F) in a 6 yo relationship with this guy (21M) And we both are un sure about things My overthinking is ruining this relation What should I do?? Overthinking is killing me
Iam in a 6 year long relationship ( 5 years 8 months specifically). we have had several breakups before several, harsh, ugly what all u can even imagine, over the worst situations, over 3rd person, over lack of interest from his side, over some stupid mistakes, over disrespecting nature and name calling each other. i was just 15yo when i first met him, and now we both are 21 year old. i thought it will grow with age, i thought holding onto him no matter what with make us go stronger as we age into maturity, i thought we will always find a way. only to realize that what if what i did was just spending the best years of my youth forcing someone to love me, forcing someone to believe me that we are really meant for each other. we broke up in 2022 which was the longest till date, it happened as soon as our long distance started, it happened so quick, but still remained hard for me to believe, i went begging to him for almost for a month, i was pissed of by his behavior, i wanted him to love me, i wanted to marry him still and live with him, above all i wanted him to make his way back to me when i brokeup, but he didnt. How easy was it for him to let go of a 4 yo relationship? (that time it was 4 yrs). i prayed like hell to god to heal me, to return him to me again, to make me happy. he was my only person.
cut short to 2 days before my bday. lol he came back, only for me to know that he came under the influence of weed.--- this i got to know 2 days ago that he came under heavy dosage of weed that time.
20th April 2024
we again brokeup during my exams. this breakup went for *11 long days, i made myself very firm that he is not coming back. infact i told everyone this time becoz i didnt want to let my gaurd down and let him mentally trouble me again. this whole time i was unaware about the addiction he has got into, i was fucking unaware that he has been lying to me all the time. he came back and confessed to me that he used to smoke almost every other fucking night telling me goodnight.*
he called me fake, called me a manipulator, called me a victimizer. only for him to realize that whatever he told me was all those things that he already have become. i wasnt any of them, he was!!!
1st may 2024 HE CAME BACK I promised myself that i wont fall prey to it again. it was the time during my exams and i didnt want to make a rucuss out of it. i just wanted peace whatever it takes. so i decided to be calm and show and express my anger , my emotions, my disappointed over his lies after few days. but i failed again. idk how many times god will let me fail until i get detached completely, until it didnt have the power to hurt me ever again. but if its him, god how can i not love to get hurt a thousands time from him over and over again.
he promised to not take me for granted, little did i know that he already started taking me for granted just bcoz i was being calm (due to my final sem exams) he must have took me for granted on the 4th day of coming back itself. we cried over texts we chatted late night, i did care for him more than my exams knowing i coukd even fail tomorrow. when i got the truth i thought the only person in this world who could bring him out of this darkness is me, i didnt care if he ruined my exams by leaving, i still didnt leave his hand, held it tighter than before if it meant that he could change, he could leave his addiction.
Today its been 1 month since our patchup and I don't feel anything has changed.. We had 3 Major fights already this month lol. And he said that he regrets coming back to me, he said I deserve better 😂😂😂
now iam forced to think that he just needs me for his needs to be fulfilled becoz he knew only i can be that dumb to support him at his lowest. now i think its all attraction from his side, now iam forced to believe that i just go back to him bcoz of the memories i shared all these years and not bcoz of the person he is right now,the person he has become right now. his unability to prove me wrong, his unability to reassure me, his unability to do the things i asked him to do for me, his unability to seek forgivness is just making me more and more sure day by day. 🤡🤡🤡

in love with memories not the person '21F'
Iam in a 6 year long relationship ( 5 years 8 months specifically). we have had several breakups before several, harsh, ugly what all u can even imagine, over the worst situations, over 3rd person, over lack of interest from his side, over some stupid mistakes, over disrespecting nature and name calling each other. i was just 15yo when i first met him, and now we both are 21 year old. i thought it will grow with age, i thought holding onto him no matter what with make us go stronger as we age into maturity, i thought we will always find a way. only to realize that what if what i did was just spending the best years of my youth forcing someone to love me, forcing someone to believe me that we are really meant for each other. we broke up in 2022 which was the longest till date, it happened as soon as our long distance started, it happened so quick, but still remained hard for me to believe, i went begging to him for almost for a month, i was pissed of by his behavior, i wanted him to love me, i wanted to marry him still and live with him, above all i wanted him to make his way back to me when i brokeup, but he didnt. How easy was it for him to let go of a 4 yo relationship? (that time it was 4 yrs). i prayed like hell to god to heal me, to return him to me again, to make me happy. he was my only person.
cut short to 2 days before my bday. lol he came back, only for me to know that he came under the influence of weed.--- this i got to know 2 days ago that he came under heavy dosage of weed that time.
20th APRIL 2024
we again brokeup during my exams. this breakup went for 11 long days, i made myself very firm that he is not coming back. infact i told everyone this time becoz i didnt want to let my gaurd down and let him mentally trouble me again. this whole time i was unaware about the addiction he has got into, i was fucking unaware that he has been lying to me all the time. he came back and confessed to me that he used to smoke almost every other fucking night telling me goodnight. he used to miss his exams and come back to me and tell me how it went, used to tell me that his exams arent going well and i used to console him over it, all liessss everything fake
he called me fake, called me a manipulator, called me a victimizer. only for him to realize that whatever he told me was all those things that he already have become. i wasnt any of them, he was!!!
i promised myself that i wont fall prey to it again. it was the time during my exams and i didnt want to make a rucuss out of it. i just wanted peace whatever it takes. so i decided to be calm and show and express my anger , my emotions, my disappointed over his lies after few days. but i failed again. idk how many times god will let me fail until i get detached completely, until it didnt have the power to hurt me ever again. but if its him, god how can i not love to get hurt a thousands time from him over and over again.
he promised to not take me for granted, little did i know that he already started taking me for granted just bcoz i was being calm (due to my final sem exams) he must have took me for granted on the 4th day of coming back itself. we cried over texts we chatted late night, i did care for him more than my exams knowing i coukd even fail tomorrow. when i got the truth i thought the only person in this world who could bring him out of this darkness is me, i didnt care if he ruined my exams by leaving, i still didnt leave his hand, held it tighter than before if it meant that he could change, he could leave his addiction.
its been 1month since out patchup, and i find myself here, crying for his efforts, for the promises he made that he wont leave me if we breakup, he promised me that and yesterday he said fuck it iam not coming back to you if we breakup now. how am i supposed to believe?? i got panic attacks, i got sick, iam going for therapy session starting next week, i got my BP and heart rate checked, am sitting and doing coping mechanisms to deal with this, i cannot sleep whole night, i got bad anxiety, i dont even talk to anyone, i dont like the things i used to. he doesnt give a fuck how iam, he doesnt give a fuck abt my tears. least bothered.
now iam forced to think that he just needs me for his needs to be fulfilled becoz he knew only i can be that dumb to support him at his lowest. now i think its all attraction from his side, now iam forced to believe that i just go back to him bcoz of the memories i shared all these years and not bcoz of the person he is right now,the person he has become right now. his unability to prove me wrong, his unability to reassure me, his unability to do the things i asked him to do for me, his unability to seek forgivness is just making me more and more sure day by day

I’ve been sitting on a silver meowsic for a while, cracked it open a month ago to finally try and reclock it. Took an ltc1799 module that I hand made and confirmed to be functional via testing, just tacked the output onto the output arm of the crystal, and it kinda worked, it changed the pitch a little bit, but only at a certain threshold. only a fraction of the travel of the pot changed the sound, and any position outside that fraction resulted in the same exact pitch which was roughly equal to pitch set by the original crystal. When i tried the old bend one leg up technique on the output leg of the crystal it completely disabled the keyboard, but did not crash it, just a momentary pause in sound that ends soon after I reconnected the crystal’s output leg, in fact i could even start the demo song, disconnect the crystal, then reconnect it and it would pick up In the same place. Only other relevant info is that I’m running the ltc and the cat on different power supplies. What the fuck is going on?

My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years and we have a 3 year old son. I'm very extroverted and have a lot of friends while my husband is very introverted and only has 3 friends who all happen to be female. Over the past year and a half, he got very close to one of them but I never put the kibosh on it because he has so few friends. Just at the beginning of May he had a couple nights where he did not come home because he was at her house. On the second night that he did not come home, I waited up for him and confronted him when he came in the front door. I gave him the ultimatum to either stop talking to her or to leave. At first he decided to stop talking to her and to work on our relationship. However, after a few days, he decided it wasn't worth it after we had done a silly marriage workbook and I just ended up asking him about accountability. I wanted to know what kept him from doing this again or what kept him from abandoning me when something more so severe in my life may be going on like ill physical or mental health. He has also done other things like spend $500 on a stripper on my last birthday when he was on a work trip out of town, and then after I had my son he racked up more than $800 in bills on only fans. He thought about it for a moment and told me that he was only going to hurt me again and again, and that there was no reason to try. I ended up convincing him to stay and that it would be worth trying for to keep stuff together for our family.
However, a couple days later I caught him messaging her again. I confronted him and he told me that while he loved me, he wasn't romantically in love with me. That I wasn't meeting his needs and I didn't understand him like she did. At this point we were still having sex at least twice a week. I helped him get his green card. I helped him get his license back. I bought him a new car every time he wrecked one. And I just helped him get into college. It was also smoking anywhere from 100 to $300 worth of weed every week, and I was just taking it on the chin and figuring out our finances around it. At this point, I just asked him to leave. He cried and moaned while I made him pack a bag, and was upset that I was asking him to leave which would prevent him from being there for our son. However, I told him if he remained I wouldn't be able to be there for our son, and that's what mattered the most to me.
He ended up leaving and staying with his stepdad. According to his mother and his sister, he's been taking money from his dad because he said I was still receiving his paychecks (which I am not) and that he has been into his dad's medical cabinet to try to take painkillers and his dad's diabetic needles. The girl that he is hooking up with has mental health issues and with drug usage. He also has prior issues with drug usage. He's also been switched psych medications four times in the past year.
At one point he offered to reconcile and just get to come home by stopping seeing her. But I told him that there was way more that we would need to work on before he could come home. He ended up going back to her and then trying to come back to me. And then just yo-yoing between the two of us for several weeks before he eventually decided to just pick her. He's now trying to blame the end of our marriage on me for being a "mean bitch who is no fun" and that I'm not accountable for my actions in ending this. However, I had overlooked so much of his previous bad behavior to remain in a relationship with him so my son would have a father. I tried to get him to help me understand what I had done wrong, and he told me that I was impossible to communicate with which is why he never communicated his needs to me.
He has also told me that he doesn't want any more kids, and that he doesn't believe in God. He told me that co-parenting our son will be fine, even though I've told him how much my parents divorce at a similar age deeply ended up wounding me as a child. He thinks just because he's going to be around some. It's better than his father who wasn't around at all. However, I told him sometimes it's more painful to have your dad two cities away living a life with a new family than it is to have an immovable image completely gone from your life.
He talks about co-parenting our son, but he is only seeing him a handful of times in the month that he's been gone. Most of those occasions have been at my suggestion and I have also been present. He's also stood us up once because he told me he had gone to the woods to contemplate suicide instead of meeting up with us. He doesn't call our son every night even though a FaceTime call with him would probably only last like 2 to 5 minutes. He's only sent me $320 to deal with expenses in the month that he has been gone along with getting our son a haircut. At each of these meetings he starts off by being horrible to me and rude. By the end, he's softened and does whatever he can to spend as much time with me and my son before he leaves. Even after my son goes to bed he wants to hang out and smoke a joint together. However, this last time he came to drop our son off, he got really sore at me because one of our mutual friends had sent him pictures of a conversation I had with them. In the conversation, I had Said that my husband and this girl are in a codependent cabal, and the only thing that they have in common are poor morals and bad teeth. He was upset by that but all of it was true. Now he refuses to see me or communicate with me. He told me that he wants to be friends but I can't say mean stuff like that. However, he says a bunch of mean things to me all the time about me being a horrible wife and how perfect this new woman is. Both of us want to be friends for the benefit of our son, but I just don't think I have it in me. He always says things to me to make me feel low, and he acts like I should just be over it even though it hasn't even been a month yet.
My life has completely changed and I feel so much grief over the life I thought I had, the partner I thought I had, and the future that I thought I had. It feels like a devil has crawled into his skin and is walking around pretending to be him. I feel so much resentment being left to pick up the pieces of our life and to hold everything together for our son. He gets to go run away and fuck someone new, while I have to be strong and stoic. I don't understand how I can be friends with someone who's hurt me so much and has cared so little. He's going to miss out on so much of our son's life and he doesn't even care. He's just convinced himself that life with me would be miserable. Even though we had so many good times together, and I had always tried my hardest to make him happy and to make sure our family's needs were met. He didn't even want to go to therapy and he didn't even want to try to start things over by dating me again. I'm just so disappointed.
I don't know where to go from here. I am definitely talking to a divorce lawyer. I worry about whether or not he's using drugs, and whether or not he'd be safe around our son. I definitely don't want this woman around our son and he doesn't see the big deal with it. Should I just cut him out of my life? Should I cut him out of my son's life? Should I try to be friends with him? It's all so hard because it's just all so shocking and I still love him. Part of me wants to reconcile but also part of me is starting to realize how easy my life is without him around. He's also also kept trying to make reconciliation not an option. What should I do?