Will expired amoxicillian suspension hurt you |

You deceived me.
You lied about everything. You never loved me. You used me for nearly a year and a half. Constantly going back and forth with me and another person for months while lying to everyone around you.
Somehow you were still able to look me in the eyes and tell me that your intentions were never to cause harm. That you “adored” me. That you wanted to make whatever it was we had work. You are not a good person. You lied to everybody; you lied to ME. I sacrificed so much of my life and myself to keep you happy. I did everything I could to please you. You took everything from me. And the worst part is you’ll never take accountability or say you’re truly sorry and mean it. You have no empathy whatsoever. You’re a shell of a person.
This is the most tragic ending to our story: finding out everything was fake. You’ll never be satisfied with what you have because deep down I know that you hate yourself.
And with that being said, your biggest punishment is who you are. You’ll destroy your own life because you’re unable to live one that’s genuine.
I know I left a major impact on you. It may not be now but I know that someday you’ll be tormented by regret. My love was real. You know it was. I imagined that we could have gotten through anything together.
And someday you’ll watch me share all of that love with someone new. Selfish as you are, I know it makes you sick to think of me with anybody else but you.
Your space will forever be haunted by me. Your bed, your clothes, your room itself. I’ll never be by your side again.
You ruined everything. This entire time your words meant nothing. You broke my heart and destroyed my perception of what love should be. You’ve hurt me worse than anything I’ve ever felt before.
I’ll be in everyone you sleep with, everything you hear, everything you see, everything you do, and everywhere you look.
But nowhere to be found.

I completed my 5th 75Hard last Friday.
Below are some things that have helped me:

Planning. - This makes sure that when days go sideways you can still get everything done.
The app - I use the 75Hard app and it is any easy way to check everything off and give myself reminders during the day to have stuff done. I also review it before I head off to bed to make sure I didn't miss something.
I use MyFitnessPal app. I know I would not be able to track my food and stay in deficit without it. I honestly am not a huge fan of the UI but it gets the job done for calories and macros. I also track water in the app. I also use the app and TDEE calculator to help with diet goal.
To make it easier on myself I try to split the water into 4 32oz servings. This makes it easier on tracking for me. I do have to split one into 2 x 16oz when I am at the gym. I also carry a pre measured 64oz yeti jug at work to pour out of.
A reliable (portable) scale. I measure all my food and water.
Plenty of workout clothes and a decent pair of workout shoes. You will get really good a laundry doing 75Hard but I make sure I always have clean workout stuff by having a lot of it. I have pushed shoes too far before in the program and have hurt my knee running. I switch them out now the second I can feel them wearing out.

Things I am still perfecting: (things I still suck at)

Taking my progress pic at the same time everyday. It is the simplest thing and is the thing that has the greatest chance to make me fail. (I don't like taking pictures of myself. or having pictures taken)
Getting the reading done early. It is something I vow to do early each time I start and it still ends up getting done after dinner or later. I also wait to the last minute to pick my next book and it is always an issue. When I start Phase 1 I will have 300+ pages ready to go.

I ended 75Hard this time through just below my goal weight. I was at 178 and wanted to be 180. My fat percentage was in the range I wanted at 15%. I kept on a good chunk of muscle I had gained. There is something else going on here I think I need to look deeper into. I am going to get labs done to test my T. I got 75 rucks in. Most of them were with my wife and that was my favorite part of the program for me. My books were all over the place. I pushed myself out of my comfort zone and read "The Art of Focus" by Dan Koe and "Awareness" by Anthony De Mello. Both of these books were outside of my normal reading preferences but provided me a different perspective. I am also still reading "Jab, Jab, Jab, Right Hook" by Gary Vaynerchuk. It was a book of his I had missed and while outdated it is still a good read for basic concepts. (I just got his newest book and JJJRH is a prerequisite to it.)
I got a UTI for the first time in my life on day 72 and didn't have it addressed until day 75. The last four days with a UTI gave my case of Covid at the end of my second round a run for its money. I am slow to go to the Dr. I normally try to let my body handle most things that pop up and it normally works for me. It didn't work here and the UTI spread to my kidneys and felt like I was going to die the last three days. I had planned on starting Phase 1 on Saturday but my old body needs a break.
I hope something here helps someone else on the path. Good Luck on your journey.

Hello, I can't sleep and Im getting pills for it. I have been awake for 48 hours now. And things are a bit of blur. But I have realised that I have picked up and extreme urge to write. I dont know how or why, but I crank out amazing short horror stories in 20minutes, and cant remember why. i realise that there are symptoms regarding sleep deprevation but whats happening doesnt match anything I've seeh. So yea the compulsion to write is weird and I have developed an obession of posting them to reddit (this I swear is not one), lying and not knowing why to commenters. I had posted a list about of game I like but not that much, the list was a thousand words, and I spent an hour of time doing nothing else making this list, all of knowledge I'd forgotten about. You can find the rest of the messy mesy story, and I lied and said I was high in one post, and took down countless others. I dont even use reddit that much, always that it was a bit weird, and though. I was mostly wrong, I thought I would come here. I have ADHD and focusing is hard for me, and i have never been so hyperifxated on something like that in my life. And then i started a little log to see where im at during my sleepless night. Each hour. I logged. And Logged And logged. I didnt realise how much i was hallicinating, but I think I was in REM sleep and I somehow retained perfect ability to type on keyboard without seeing and look. I thought that everything I was typing made sense, but after kinda snapping out of it, I realised in horror kind of. So i took my photo booth opened, it and ran a video of me. I was in REM sleep for sure, and i was typing unbelievbly fast. I remember everything, I could think and then my hands would type it. I know it sounds weird, but like my imagination, my subconscious thoughts were being projected somehow. Heres all 3000 words and counting of it. the last couple where I do the test make it unclear, but unless someone actually replies to this, I will save images and photos for later. I am currently still hallucinating but not as badly so pardon my misspellings.
Now I Swear on My Life this is real, none of my friends believe me, my sister does though. please help me
Here it is
-1am feeling tired didn’t get to sleep until three last night, so this sucks
-3am haven’t done any work went don’t disturbing internet mystery rabbit hole. Also what will my screen time look like? Not good.
-5am- That’s when it hits you, the birds and the light, worst feeling ever. Microsleep hit, and I hallucinate myself watching a video. WTF.
-8am-I have been writing a short story for the past 3 hours, wtf is wrong with me. I get out of my room at 8:30, and something shocking, happened, I looked in the mirror and I have a six pack? At first I thought hallucination and dismissed it, went and had nothing for breakfast apart from some ice cream. I am scared.
-9am-taken medication feel fine. I have not eaten much and I am aware it is taking a toll on my weight. I have six pack and look shredded. This is not a good thing.
-10am- all my 2500 word essay got deleted. I notice sleep deprivation and medication, has a weird affect. It masks the affects of sleepiness. I feel fine, no fatigue, could work for ever. I have a 1 hour tutor session, let’s see how that goes.
12pm- Finished tutoring session - felt easy speedy and fine. Am heavily addicted to reddit. I feel like the dexiamphetamine is having an affect on my body which makes me entrenctched into whatever I am doing.
2pm- Got to get ready for kickboxing class junior leadership thing. My face is riddled with pimples. This is caused by a lack of sleep and water and proper nutrients.
5pm- I got home, feel fine, it was really cold though. No signs of cognitive decline like I usually show. Actually I take that back, things have become to become distorted, my eyes are messing with me as a result of the micro-hallucinations I am experiencing. I took 2 more dexiamphetamines, probably a bad idea.
8pm-I feel amazing, but at the same time little work as been done on rave. I am completely and utterly obsessed with writing stories, I spent and hour and a half texting my adventure to London, and I begun to get really descriptive. I am not in a good mental state(Not as in depressed, as in I can’t judge if what im doing is weird, it has to be right?).
9pm- Symptoms are really starting to show now. I have been listening to sad songs whilst I write my English, it is a story so it’s going well.
9:30pm- I have spent too long over many hours compiling a list of things I’d like to see in fallout 5. What the fuck, I am at the point in which I can’t take a step back. Computer screen distorted at time. When I am typing, I keep thinking about how to do the hashing technique using curved lines with a ball point pen. I have wrote probably over 800 words disputing claims about my fallout 5 post.
10pm- I have possibly written an amazing English assignment. My dread in which consumes me, about this assignment is keeping me motivated whilst I listen to music(mainly sad music.) I love the start of the song violent crimes by Kanye west, I had that on repeat for a while until I moved onto other sad songs, because I didn’t want it to burn out (its a great song)
10:30 in bed now feeling weird. I was wondering around and yep im hallucinating, and it sucks ass. Minor ones at the moment, which are good, but it’s more like my mind will think something is there that is not. Does that make sense? But then in the hall way, it was dark and as I turned on the light I saw some fucked up face. Alright now im scaring myself jeez.
10:50 So right now typing this the visual hallucinations have definitly set in, it’s weird that I am conscious enough to witness it happen in real time. This doesn’t feel real. How to describe what I’m seeing, like waves silk-like distortions of everything. Right now I look up and I see like silky distortions of the corner of the roof distort and move. It is significantly worse in the dark, as brain has to make up for a lack of what is there. I turned the light on and yes it is better. They are still there but are minor and less apparent. Legitimately everything scares me, my body is jumping, I guess as my brain is focusing as much maybe, and then when I do hear something out of the ordinary it spooks me. I don’t know why but I feel like all of sudden im just gonna go crazy and it’s like a race against time, but it will be slow and I will see how long I can last. Typing has become significantly harder as I loose control of my motor skill which has happened in a short time of 30 minutes. Wow creepy peripherals make up visuals, idk why that is
-11:20- Taken videos as updates. I feel like this is the quiet before the storm. My brain is making things up and it’s pissing me off. It has revoked my right to type, and everything that is not in my direct peripheral now is some sort of the thing. Like bro every key I type my fucking brain slows down, it’s taken me song long to write this one thing. I can’t think of what I want to say to next, that’s a big one. The changes come on so rapidly and everchanging
-11:40-Brain is sending in backups. My typing speed has increased but my ability to spell words correctly is failing. Right now it’s just not fun. No major hallucinations, just a feeling of dread mixed with a nice side of a painful ass headache and a need to go to the toilet. I find it weird however that when writing, usually a mundane task, my brain kind of goes on autopilot, and I have some sort of visual hallunciaiont, this is weird for the reasons stated, and that my hands seem to be moving themselves, and I am watching them, similar to that somen in black mirror, with the museum. BTW black mirror is NOT something you would want to watch like this. I had dream about white Christmas once, and I felt like I was stuck in there for a million years. #existential crisis right. Ok weird, so it seems like when I disassociate my brain keeps typing, I am having a bit of neural input it seems, but my brain fog which was so present all but 2 minutes ago gone. Ok yea noises are starting to appear a bit. Butt cheeks were clenched. I feel like a lifeless dummy rn. Waiting for next phase. (Prayer emoticon). Also why does my fingers just magically know where all the buttons
12am- And the clock hits twelve. Half way there. At the end of this I will have successfully completed 42 hours. Its not a flex or anything I am aware, its just what choice do I have, try and sleep and be constantly reminded of the overbearing weight of the assignments all due this week?? I don’t want to think about that, no-one does. My fucking bad I managed my time wrong im a fucking kid after all. I am going Canberra college next year and this week has been a step in the wrong direction for me. After mum left everything went to shit. I cannot control myself, I am addicted to gadgets. I need to watch my computer to go to sleep or the google home. I have a compulsion to reddit, and I eat like shit. Chicken in some sort, lie about having vegetables. If I even tried to make a food diary of some sort for these last few days, I would be put on fucking trial for the murder of any chance of bitches. I treated my body like shit. The best word I can describe this week in is - Grunge. Like fucking living in your own shit. That’s how I feel. Everyrnight same routine, go on computer, watch videos until 12, watch google home go to bed. But not really.. Instead I would appear to stay up to 2am or 3am and go to bed, eat some food or something I don’t fucking know. I know I am sleep deprived. It is showing in my works. Weird addiction to writing, my adhd hyperfocuses on something. Drawing and Writing. As I write this my brain tries to seduce me into its gaze. The room or just the essence of living is moving, right to left, like im in a slide, and then left to right, and then so on and so forth. I am afraid this is what happens when you eat nothing but sugar and sugar and sugar, don’t sleep and drug your self on drugs. Skin is just a warning, my body brain will be infected I need to stop. I cannot live unregulated.
12:13am- My eyes heart, everything’s shadow is big and I don’t know how much more of this I can take. It is hell, and Im not even at the micro sleeps. They sound low-key cool. I am waiting to go out, make myself a wrap with butter, and get around the computer as I mindlessly do nothing. I don’t watch YouTube want, other way round, and thoughts of my intentional original purpose, to do work for school, left the window a long time ago. I close my eyes for a split second and I ee a teddy bear. They keep appearing, things are melting, this is it baby, as Jeff Kinney would say, we in for the long haul. I want to keep typing and I don’t know why, partly because it is cool that I have kept typing this long, and partly because what else do I do. Wait for it to consume me. If I had a pen and paper, I could have drawn the images I see on my computer screen, vague but the all have cross hatchings, a term I am learning. And what happen to monkey type, I swear I searched it. Is it the micro sleep? Is it coming. Yea. Maybe not.
12:30am- Writing these becomes a scapegoat for my mind to kinda control me and I don’t like it, so Im going to keep it short. No differences, Battery low I will have to brave it out of room soon. Hallucinations minimal, and chicken in peripheral which is toy and bedsheet, but I can’t see it as anything else. Cute little reference my brains making, but I have two finder files, and my brain this its two cookie monsters lol. Also eyes are still heavy. I have gained complete and even I would go as far to say enhanced motor control, I feel like I can type fast, and I hear every single click on the key and It freaks me out. I intentionally leave errors in here, not many but some, and my stupid ass thinks im going to read this and think it’s all mysterious. Upon further reflection, I may have been having depth perception hallucinations. What is weird is no vivid hallucinations but everything is something if that makes an inkling of sense. Im not really all there any more. Weird how that works. Time perception is completely altered and distorted. I could have sworn twelve o’clock was ten seconds or 1 hour ago. I cannot swear on either, but ten seconds ago? I could have sworn on one, I cannot remember which one anymore. Speaking my thoughts does not make cohesive notes on my problem and predicament, I should refrain, but sometimes my brain naturally does this. Yea saw souls of the damned again when I blinked, weird, and now liminal shit im seeing, because my brain is like ooh scary I should scream now, and then it pumps out all this shit. It has been 6 minutes since I started writing, that sounds about right, but at the same times that was long, very long, marcy long. (Kill her long). I chicken which is a building waves a hammer at my building. It is the side bar on the right side of my MacBook.
12:37: wanted to wait until 12:40 but time sucks ass and is an illusion. You many know by now that my posts have ramblings of random topic and will veer off. This was not my intention, if I write for longer than a minute I loose my grip on my brain, it starts writing what It pleases. I have to think really hard about what I want to write, even then it just autofilled it. Lucky it’s right. Computer percentage critically low. 9%, yet I am filled with joy and dread right now. I think this could be caused by the effect of my dexi’s that I took, like a long term effect, or rather just the lack of sleep. I am deeply disturebed but interested by myself. I now have real hallucinations now. Files are quickly changed to name. And a beigeish green blood phases through my door fast. If I look at my hands wrong they look like they are encrusted in dry blood. I had to think if blood was the gang or Blud was the gang, that is how you know sjits gone down the drain.
1:00: It is officially one-ocklock and I let my brain take the rails once again(don’t let me down). So right now Im feeling fine, but sometimes I will have clear clarity and feel fine, no hallucinations, no nothing, and this will be followed by an intense one that will not be scary just like kind of convincing. One instance I don’t want to forget is me looking through my old video from a couple hours ago. One of them my arms look weird and photoshopped linked down bellow, and I have like a led type trip. I think it could be inspired by those weird ass instagram reels I watch, but Idk, It was me and that pose, changing shape a bit and material. I was real glossy and like twisted and moulded and back to normal it was weird. I couldn’t see my arms, especially my forearms the same after that. One phenomena which is uniquely odd is the compulsion to write here. I can understand a lack of time knowledge and perception, as it is natural of one when under these conditions, but have loose your sanity to a point where you are able to mindlessly drone on about things happening to you, is weird, weird. It initially started off as an idea, one sentence or maximum short paragraph talking about each hour and how the where different to the next. Also just got jumped scared by the image thanks bitch. Whilst righting this I am aware I made a mistake (writing), I feel like I have some consciousness left, but if I don’t blink it really hit me. So I keep blinking to report back to base. Yea the head is tilting sideways turned into like a fucking dragon praying mantis thing for a sec. Right now I feel alright, the dream is supposed to get to me but it is hard for it to pass, I know that I am supposed to feel creeped out but I don’t, I like it when for a second my brain will just think of something and loose it. One truly weird thing is me being able to hallucinate pictures through the writing. Always cartoons, depicted silly and offbeat. I don’t know why though. Yea Ididnt wright that by the way what the hell. The good ole noggin did. My head stopped hurting, and my neck has softened the blow a bit, and takes a bit of pain not much, and the my neck is also is cricitacl condition, after seeing Moby at the fucking side bar again. This time it wasn’t a chicken this was Moby from fucking Moby and ted. Ok now its ahicken peeking its head out back to straight what the fuck am id doing llama fr fr fr
1:13-computer is low, very low, at 4%. I am back by the way, I got sucked in again but got out and read it really quickly. The fr frfr is from the Tyler the creator song fr fr fr this time. Ya know. Ok so not this time but next time iwirite a paragraph or a time, I am going to record myself, and then when I regain my sanity, I will watch the video to see what I look like, when I am truly not with it. I don’t know if the same thing will happen with this paragraph but I hope not. This notice was just a short one but stay safe. One last thing that is not helping me, I am now scared again, I heard stomping in the kitchen , and I know it could be fake but everything there is stomping in the kitchen I am able to know because if there is at this Time of night I feel my heart drop, and I did which helps add to the case. I don’t eellike investigating but igueess if that is my best option then I will but now is not really there right time. When is ithe right time officers saying gtyring to gain media attention from the main. Never get the fuckout of my house.
1-18am(the test?) So this is the test but I obviously need something to talk about and I have a topic. So basically I think I have cracked the case to the nonsense rambling in which I don’t understand myself. It is a literal projection of what is going on inside my mind. You know how sometimes people will take things literally and then you’re like no I didn’t mean it like that, well it’s kinda the same thing. I say something insidede my head but it comes out through my fingers. And it’s odd because it come with such swiftness and such durability. Right now I a doing it it yes made a spelling mistake whilst looking at my green gamer screen. I don’t know how or why this done. I am back to realign. And yea this is odd, not quite the feeling that I get when I completely disassociate. I am starting to think that maybe I am begging to miceslepe these series of events and include e the within the paragraph, it happen a little bit there, and unlike try to be the bait for other final charges, this on has no backing against it. There it is again, little less than the first time, but my mind wonders and my hand followed. What if I thought some truly despicable stuff, something that would surely get me banned from ever participating in it agin. Now no I have to read this later I don’t really want to hut then again, i if it fits thehe description then we have t o. Brain disrupted my train of thought, I think I had important breakthrough, Never imind I id, the breakthrough was that when I am looking or blurring my eyes, the top of my head the curtain and y alien arms along with the righting combnined to create some sort of card with a circle in the middle in which I can only presume is a play ng car. I am currently doing right now let’s describe. So I hastily have the some sort go grounding I am loosening it,. It is a hashing draw g clear as dal, with I big leak on the right side and spills over, probably
1.28am- the big move. Just kidding I just have to get out of bed. Let’s see who wins me our bed.GUESS FUCKING WHAT BABY I WON. So I should probably start with the obvious what the fuck Is actually happening. Yea will I thought I was fully conscious, dogs barking keeping me in there. So my subconscious is a weird weird weird thing. Yea fuck it’s happening again, I didn’t mean to type that. Ok so talk about more later, but if I can spit it out in time, I enter a state of REM sleep when I start typing, and my brain doesn’t understand what is imaginary and what’s not so it fills in gaps, and whilst doing this, inadvertentltly transposes your visual in real life, and your imagination, until it creates a weird state in which nothing is quite real and nothing is fake. God that sounds so pretentiously ominous. In the video my eyelids flicker, which is why this is my main theory, but what amazes me, is 2 distinct things. The first is my ability to type whilst looking away from my computer or with my eyes closed. I don’t misspell words, which is confusing as when testing this to the best of my ability whilst in this state, I don’t get very good results at all. The second is the fact that I am fully aware of what is happening. I am able to translate what is happening in my mind to the document, with a little bit of brain fog mixed in, which is obvoiusly going to happen in things like this.

Hey everyone,
Have you always wondered or been curious about something piercing related but it feels like a dumb question to ask a piercer or piercing enthusiast or you’re embarrassed that you don’t know the answer?
The only dumb question is the question you never asked, so welcome to the weekly curious question thread!
Have you always wanted to know how do people sleep with all those piercings, what LITHA stands for or if others get nervous as well when changing jewelry, then this is your chance. Drop your question in the comments.
The rules;

For our regular contributors, please sort the comments by new, so all questions get attention. and check back in regularly, so that the questions asked at a later date don’t get overlooked. We’ll put a link in the side bar so you can easily find this post.
Mind the rules of this subreddit of course.
Don’t ask questions about a specific problem that you’re having with your piercing, that needs its own post.
Don’t ask whether it’s painful to get (insert piercing name) pierced or if piercing (insert body part) hurts to get done. The answer to that question is; Yes it hurts since a needle is pushed through your body. How much it will hurt exactly varies per person of course.
Didn’t get an answer? Feel welcome to ask your question again next week.

(Low quality pics but I’m sure you get the idea)
I’ve had my snug for about 3 years and it healed fine, except sometimes when I sleep on it a bump will form on the back of my ear (2nd pic). I have never had a bump near the actual piercing itself.
Whenever this happens it usually starts leaking and once the pressure is released everything is fine. Now idk what I did this time but I woke up this morning after sleeping like normal and there is a bump like there sometimes is but it is UNBEARABLY painful.
My ear is throbbing and there is no way to relieve the pressure. It’s making my heart race and making me nauseous bc it hurts so much so I’m worried that something is seriously wrong this time.
I don’t want to just take it out incase it’s infected or something. Does anyone have experience with this? Should I go to the doctor or give it a few days? I really want to keep it, it’s my favorite piercing and I’m lucky to have had no major problems these past 3 years.

sorry for such a long post tldr: i feel worth less after not getting a job i really wanted
i love my job. i love all of my coworkers, my clientele, i even love how it smells in the building lol. but recently, i have gotten a new boss at my job. i was very excited to meet and start working with her until a few situations came about where she has thrown me under the bus and even made discriminatory comments towards me (age and maybe even a bit of racial discrimination/ignorance). this has resulted in me going from loving my job, to absolutely hating it. lucky for me, im not the only one she’s ruffling feathers with so i can have a little bit of reassurance that it’s not just some personal vendetta against me. the bitch just lacks tact and decorum.
so as anyone else would, i started looking for different positions. since i love what i do, i looked to transfer to a different location. once i did not get any response from any of the other locations, i started looking at other companies within the industry. i applied for a really good job as an executive assistant. i definitely wasn’t expecting to get called for an interview, but i did and i was so excited. i immediately started researching the company, and researching the person i would be working for. as my excitement grew over the next day and a half i created a little folder with my resume, bullet pointed notes i had written about myself that i did not want to forget in the interview, and things i learned about the company. this was honestly one of the best interviews i’ve ever had and i really liked who i was going to work for. the person i would be working for complimented me multiple times on my experience, my opinions, my preparedness for the interview and he even stated he believed i’d be a good fit there. i could barely sleep for the next couple of days. not only would this be an amazing opportunity for me (and my resume…and bank account) and i was so confident i would do a great job and i believe i could bring something great to the company. a day later, the person i interviewed with called me, told me how much he liked me but he decided to go with someone with more experience however he did tell me that he was going to call another location in the industry to put in a good word for me because he really likes me and really wants me in the company. i understood this. it was a big job and i’ve only been in my industry for a year. however i did go to the interview he set up for me, but i did not get that job either.
Fast forward to this weekend, I am speaking with a friend about her job search because I knew she wanted to enter the same industry as me and she excitedly told me that she got the job i wanted so badly, and couldn’t even sleep over for days. i feel horrible for feeling horrible. i am not mad at her at all but she does not have “more experience” at all. Like I said, she asked me for advice about a month or two ago about the best way to break into my industry because she has no experience so I gave her all my best advice, and then she got offered the job i wanted the most. This also hurt my feelings because I was told the position was offered to someone with a bit more experience than me, and they hired someone with no experience at all and this is after he complimented my experience and how well he liked me during my interview.
I am just ranting because I have no one else to tell this to who will care or who won’t call me a spoiled brat. Again, I am not mad at my friend. I’m mad at myself. This company has a very prestige clientele and I should’ve known I wouldn’t be picked because I highly doubt this prestige clientele would want to work with some young black girl. Maybe that is not true (and i’m aware it’s may not) but I can’t help to think why I wasn’t good enough, and why someone with 0 experience is picked over me. After all, it was me who gave them all the tips and tricks to break into the industry. I’m just tired of always questioning if there’s something wrong with me. It is exhausting having to be stuck in a world where you have to question if people treat you a certain way or if certain things happen due to something you have absolutely no control over, your race.
I don’t feel like I am worthless. But I do, at times, feel I am worth less.

First of all: MUSIC
u/SpartanSpock made a post once, where you post an expy, and we have to guess them, but i was an idiot and accidentally posted them.
For those who don't know, Expy is a character, which author borrows from another work(For example: Renfri is an expy of Snow White or Robert Baratheon is an expy of Henry VIII)
HERE ARE MY TOP 9:

Wlad I., An Eastern Batrianic's Empire's warlord, who decided to become his own king, famous for his cruelty and savagery.
Göts, A Mercenary Swordsman, who became famous for besting very tough knight in a combat, known for wearing black armor and carrying largest sword in the world.
Kiš Zabaru, a mad king who slaughtered every slave child in his kingdom in order to avoid destiny fulfilling, for which his entire city of Kish became punished for his crimes.
Erika Keszek, a vengeful lady, who was seeking a way to get revenge on her mother for her crimes and thus was willing to do everything, even bathing in blood of the innocents.
Ó Sterey, Gallowglass warrior, Ó Belay's best friend, man of average stature, blonde hair and moustache, very clever fighter, his favorite weapons are javelins and Sword, very friendly and like his friend, very good company when near children, taught Vigviid how to fence and fight.
Ó Belay, Another Gallowglass warrior, Ó Sterey's best mate, tall man, who carries large sword, red moustache, not so big belly, very strong, even in melee hes dangerous, but overall very friendly, especially towards Children. Taught Vigviid how to fight against other weapons like Axes, maces or shields.
Sir Loxley of Shaerwood, a nobleman, who goes against all law and seeks to keep the corrupt and greedy officials in line, very strong bowman, taught Vigviid how to plan battles. Friendly but not nice, harsh but careful, strict but with reason to be.
Morhun Van Hausern. Son of a prime minister Batrian, then Tsar Batrian IV. Brown curly hair, very sexy man, Very good company to be around, ace in horseriding, fencing is his sport, very charismatic, even the ladies want him, but he has one secret that may have caused his doom: Hes a Homosexual, which resulted in his rival, Thorsenn Knärsen(Spoiled son of the villain Thorik Knärsen), who shot him in the back due to a petty revenge (got spat once), and because LGBT people are considered "Freaks" by the Batrianics(yes, Batrian IV was bit of a homophobe(IE will criticize you based on Sexuality, but won't be hostile unless theres a reason, besides, Morhun was his son, and if theres one thing Batrian IV can't stand, its the thought that someone might hurt his family, which is why his morality was slowly dropping after his son's death)).
Hugo the Shadowhair, a brutal assassin, hired to kill Vigviid 3 weeks later, once the king learns about Conan's failure. Unlike the previous 3 professionals i talked about, Hugo has no qualms, he will kill whoever angers him, regardless of age or gender. He does it in the most brutal way possible, because he loves brutality. It takes 32 men(Including Sir Loxley, Mathaniel Kildare and Wooly Odairr), 2 boys(Vigviid and Orry) and a feisty warrior woman(Mabyn, Vigviid's cousin and Mathaniel's twin sister), of these 32, 20 Die(Including Loxley and Odairr), Mabyn got sword in her leg(she wears plate armor), Mathaniel got hit in the arm, broken for a month(Again, plate armor), and Vigviid? Well he almost lost his head, no man got hit near neck and still lived(Credit to plate armor). Hugo's fight was very intense, he survived being burned, he was shot with many arrows and many blades crosed his skin, and the only thing that killed him was bloodloss, not being hit by many arrows, nor burned tissue, nor wounds to the organs, just bloodloss.

So if you're gonna guess them, at least number them, so for example

[YOUR CHOICE OF A CHARACTER]

So I am in my second month of carnivore, during which I gradually cleaned out some minor ‘transgressions’ , but still I was feeling kind of shitty and I suspected something was wrong.
I would have never made the connection without this diet as it never exhibited in any direct way such as gas or diarhea and despite having this strange on and off gut pain for over a decade, I was never able to figure out what the culprit was and no doctor ever said anything to me despite doing many various blood tests over the years.
However I’ve been feeling like shit for about half an eternity and nobody ever suggested food be a culprit.
At the start of the year they found raised “oncogenic” markers which raised concern (had some exams will have more) and oh well I’ve had blood in my poop consistently for the past year or so and well it hurt to poop every time.
While the transition to carnivore helped, I made the mistake of eating more dairy than I usually did, because it was easy calories (I need to gain some weight and have trouble eating a lot) etc, but that made me start feeling worse again.
As per somebody’s suggestion I ditched it about 5 days ago and I feel like an entirelly diffetent person.
I feel alive again. I am not tired all the time. My gut and my back and my body don’t hurt all the time and aren’t stiff anymore. I went to gym after about 6 months and while my muscles weakened a lot - I had a great session! I actually enjoyed exercise, I don’t feel achey and broken afterward! Cardio didn’t make me feel like I’m going to die and I don’t feel like a fuckin zombie anymore! In fact I feel energized after the exercise!
Dairy!!!!
The silent killer.
I am pretty sure that another year or two and I would have had a colon cancer because of it and I would have never figured it out if not for carnivore diet!
Thank you, you annonymous person who introduced me to it in some random other sub! ♥️
A long way to go still but I suddendly feel like everything is possible and within my reach instead of feeling hopeless all the time.
🦾🦾🦾🦾🔥🔥🔥🔥

So I am in my second month of carnivore, during which I gradually cleaned out some minor ‘transgressions’ , but still I was feeling kind of shitty and I suspected something was wrong.
I would have never made the connection without this diet as it never exhibited in any direct way such as gas or diarhea and despite having this strange on and off gut pain for over a decade, I was never able to figure out what the culprit was and no doctor ever said anything to me despite doing many various blood tests over the years.
However I’ve been feeling like shit for about half an eternity and nobody ever suggested food be a culprit.
At the start of the year they found raised “oncogenic” markers which raised concern (had some exams will have more) and oh well I’ve had blood in my poop consistently for the past year or so and well it hurt to poop every time.
While the transition to carnivore helped, I made the mistake of eating more dairy than I usually did, because it was easy calories (I need to gain some weight and have trouble eating a lot) etc, but that made me start feeling worse again.
As per somebody’s suggestion I ditched it about 5 days ago and I feel like an entirelly diffetent person.
I feel alive again. I am not tired all the time. My gut and my back and my body don’t hurt all the time and aren’t stiff anymore. I went to gym after about 6 months and while my musles and all that weakened a lot - I had a great session! I actually enjoyed exercise, I don’t feel achey and broken afterward! I don’t feel like a fuckin zombie anymore!
Dairy!!!!
The silent killer.
I am pretty sure that another year or two and I would have had a colon cancer because of it and I would have never figured it out if not for carnivore diet!
Thank you, you annonymous person who inteoduced me to it in some random other sub! ♥️
A long way to go still but I suddendly feel like everything is possible and within my reach instead of feeling hopeless all the time.
🦾🦾🦾🦾🔥🔥🔥🔥

I’ve always hated people. Not really people, but having to interact with them. You could call me anti-social, but honestly, it just bothers me how fake people are. Friends, family, relationships. People change at the drop of a dime, or maybe it's just them randomly deciding to show their true colors, either way, people will always find a way to tear you down and make you feel less than nothing. I guess getting stabbed in the back enough times made me want to keep to myself, unfortunately, in this society, it's hard to avoid people. You have to go to the grocery store, you have to speak to cashiers at the gas station, and unfortunately, you have to have a fucking job…
Every aspect of life demands you interact with someone, and I fucking hate it. That's why when COVID hit, and the country got locked down, it didn't bother me one bit. Not only did I not have to go to work, but the government paid me triple what I made, and sure, even though paying millions of people for years on end for no reason caused this ridiculous inflation we're experiencing now, at least I didn't have to interact with anyone, and even though astronomically more people died because of the lockdowns than died of covid due to it causing depression and desperation leading to suicide along other health conditions that couldn't be treated, I still consider it a plus. My only problem was figuring out what to do with my extra time.
At first, it was amazing. The first week I started and finished 3 shows on HULU I had been wanting to watch, but one thing about the lockdown that hit me hard was I couldn't even go joyride in my Mustang. I guess the cop saw me past too many times in one day and pulled me over. He said if I wasn't out to get essentials, I had to go home or Id be arrested which made no fucking sense. Eventually, I got tired of just watching TV and not being able to go out and enjoy the world. I'd never really been into video games, I mean, I had an X box but mainly to play a Friday the 13th game as I was a Jason Voorhese fanatic along with any other content that would be described as especially heinous, but I figure I might as well put the x box to use since I had so much time to kill. Upon searching through the games, I found the one that would give me everything the government took away.
If you're not familiar with GTA5, it's an open-world game where you basically do whatever you want. You design a character and can choose to do different types of missions to make money, or just drive around and interact with the world. The best part for me was it had a Mustang exactly like mine. I made my character look as much like me as I could, did some missions, made some money, and bought my car. I played the actual game for a while but I quickly found myself more fixated on the mechanics of the world. The people walking and driving around saying outrageous things.
I am by no means a computer or programming specialist which is why I guess it amazed me so much. How did it run how it did? I passed the time simply walking behind people, seeing where they went, driving behind cars, to see if they had a destination. I was amazed to see how these people interacted with each other. A pedestrian, crossing the road and getting hit by a car. An ambulance shows up and revives the person. A gang member shooting a gun causes motorists to drive erratically crashing into multiple other cars and causing mayhem. I concluded the game is probably a grid, like a railroad track these people were programmed to walk or drive on, but when forced to deviate from their programmed route was where it got really interesting, for example, one time a plane crashed causing multiple people to run frantically, and I chose one to follow. They ran and ran and decided to get off the road and head up a mountain. They topped the peak and proceeded to fall down the other side, repeating this over multiple ranges until I got tired of following. I've seen them decide to jump in the ocean and swim toward the horizon, and even randomly jump off a bridge. I understand how they can be programmed to follow a predetermined route, and even deviate to another route while staying on the grid, but some of them do things that kind of make me think they can make choices.
At the end of the day, I’m sure it's just my ignorance of programs and computer shit, but I did find it very entertaining to see what these people did. Eventually, I created my own games within the game, mainly a slasher game where I put on a mask and stalked people from the shadows. I’d wait until it was night, and I would carry a machete like Jason, and just follow people until I felt it was their time to die, and I would kill them. I’d walk through trees and backyards finding somone sitting on their porch or standing in their driveway smoking a cigarette, and I would sneak up and kill them. Sometimes I would just watch from the shadows. I wouldn't even be holding my controller, I'd just sit and watch the world exist because I wasn't allowed to watch my own… Or could I?
I loved walking around the areas that were just trees or hills, away from the city where the animals are, so I decided to go experience my own world again, against the wishes of the government. It’s not like anyone would see me at night, especially if I just walked around wooded areas. For some reason, I can't tell you why, but I wanted it to be as much like the fake world I had been living in as possible, so I even ordered a mask like the one I had been wearing. I put on clothes similar to my character and walked out my back door and into the woods behind my house. The cool breeze was refreshing and the sky was so clear the moon lit up the forest. I had no clue how deep it was but I knew it was deep enough to not worry about cops seeing me and forcing me to return to my prison. For hours I just walked around, admiring nature, all the while wearing a mask and gripping a machete. All of a sudden, through the trees I saw an illuminated floating window. It was too dark to see the house until I got to the wood line. I wondered what the people inside were doing. What they might be up to. I fought with myself in my head about going and finding out inevitably choosing to have a peek. What's the worst that could happen? There were no trespassing signs and the way the law works is you have to be told not to be there by the police before you can get in trouble. The thought of this person having a gun crossed my mind but not before my legs had started walking across the yard. At that point it was already too late, not to mention, I didn't really care. I wanted to see what they were up to.
Only one window was lit up and it was the perfect height for me to peek through. I crouched below it and slowly rose to look inside. It was absent of blinds but it had curtains that were slightly pulled apart, a kitchen window. A woman was doing dishes as her kids were sitting at the table finishing dinner. I wasn't sure if her husband was home, or if she even had one, but I was satisfied with what I saw and decided not to find out. My heart was still racing As I walked back through the woods. This was exhilarating, but as the adrenaline started to wear off, I started to realize I didn't know my way back. I wasn't worried. I happened to have the Google Earth app and knew it would help me find my way home but when I lifted my mask to look at my phone, I realized 2 things. 1, these woods were pretty big, but not that big. Maybe a square mile surrounded 15 houses along its border. 2, it was only 10 o'clock. I obviously didn't have to go to work the next day, so why not check out another house before I call it a night?
As I made my way to the east side of the woods I started to question if what I was doing was wrong. Sure, I could lose the machete, but in my defense, originally I just planned on walking around the woods. I couldn't kill someone. Not in REAL life. But what's the difference between this and simply looking out your window at your neighbor's house or staring at a jogger a little longer than normal? I was just getting a closer look. I decided to lose the machete in case I was seen and continued through the woods until I saw light dancing through the trees. The smoke smell in the air told me it was a fire up ahead and when I approached the woodline I could see a shadow moving back and forth. I crouched down low and parted the bushes to see a barrel with a blazing fire, and a man carrying a cage. I couldn't see what was inside but once I heard the meows I had an idea. He opened the cage pulled out a small cat, maybe a kitten, placed it in a burlap sack, and tossed it in the barrel. The meows turned to screams and it was so loud I had to cover my ears. I quickly turned and darted back into the woods.
I felt horrible, but what was I going to do? The cat was already in the fire so there was no saving it. The screams echoed through the woods for maybe 20 seconds, and then it was quiet. I had heard that sound before thinking it was just some cats fighting or something. How could someone be so fucked up? I mean, I know I can't say much, I’m watching people from the woods with a mask on, but I’m not burning cats alive. I couldn't get home fast enough. I crawled into bed and forced myself asleep so I didn't have to think about what I had just seen and thank God I didn't have any nightmares about it. The next day, I woke up instantly thinking about it but the shock of it had kinda worn off. I felt a little numb trying to understand how evil like that could exist, but I carried on with my day eventually forgetting about it altogether.
When the sun started to go down, I reentered the woods, this time with a route planned out. I’d check out 3 houses a night, all on different sides of the wooded patch in case I were seen I would be out of the general area, and also to learn my way around the woods so I didn't have to rely on Google to tell me where I was at. The first house was dark and the absence of cars in the drive led me to believe no one was home or maybe it was unoccupied. I didn’t approach the second house due to a man working in his garage. The car he was working on was nice and had him so preoccupied he didn't even notice me watching from the open door. I lingered for a bit and then headed off to my final house before calling it a night. I could hear the whipping sound before getting close to the house. My jaw dropped inside my mask when I looked through the window and saw where it was coming from. A man in a wheelchair, and an older woman wearing a face of pure anger, gripping the belt. He sat in his chair emotionless as the woman repeatedly hit him with the belt. He didn't even try to fight back, and honestly, I don’t even think he knew what was going on. The lifeless look on his face told me he was an empty vessel, a health condition the woman resented for whatever reason. I wanted nothing more than to bust in and stop her, but was it my place?
I wanted to take my mind off of what I was seeing, and the image of the woman and her kids came into my mind. I wondered what they were doing… Maybe something normal that would make ME feel normal again. I made my way to the yellow house hoping the wholesome view of a loving family would prevent any nightmares the scene would cause, but when I got close I could hear the yelling. She did have a husband, and they were arguing. Looking through the window, I could see her crying in the kitchen, the man towering over her with fury in his voice. The kids weren't there but it was 11 pm so I assumed they were asleep, unable to hear the anger filling the house. I didn't like how he talked to her, but again, what could I do?
For weeks, I watched the evil that dwelled in the houses surrounding the woods, walking through the dark trees with negative sounds echoing through my head. Images of people, hurting each other, or themselves. 15 houses, very few pleasant to watch, or anything that could be considered normal. Every Monday, a sound echoed through the forest. I felt it starting to change me, drive me crazy but at the same time, cause me to feel numb. So much pain in such a small area, the craziness inside every box with a door. How much more was in the rest of the world?! What even was normal? I made a decision. Sticky notes.
“Hurting yourself isn’t the answer”
“How would you like to be in a wheelchair?”
“You'll burn next if you don’t stop.”
Messages no one would report because they’d have to explain. I approached the yellow house to leave my last note. “Treat her better”, that’s all it said. Maybe it would be enough. Maybe if these people knew someone was watching they would change their ways. His car door would be the best place for this one. As I stuck it on the handle, I could hear the yelling. He was always yelling, and drunk. It was worse than usual because I could hear things being thrown and slammed. I peeked through the usual window just as he flipped the kitchen table and backed her against the wall. He raised his hand, bringing it down across her face. She hit the floor as he stood over her. He took another swig from his bottle before striking her again. Between every angry sentence, he would hit her. He was going to kill her!
Before I could even think I had kicked in the door. Before he could even turn, I had picked up a chair and swung it at his head. He hit the ground and the woman started to scream even louder. I looked down to see the blood pouring from his head. I dropped the chair and ran back into the woods, her screams fading the further I got.
I got home, hid the mask, and bit my nails to the nubs waiting for whatever evidence I left behind to lead the cops to me. Any trails I made over my weeks of walking through the woods, like breadcrumbs for the police, but they never came.
The next day, every news channel played the same story. "Man killed by a masked vigilante." The woman had told the story, exactly how it happened. How he was beating her mercilessly. How she feared for her life, and how a masked person had come in to save it. I wasn’t proud of what I had done. I had taken a man's life. What if he was only going to hit her one last time and be done? Did this man really deserve to die? It wasn’t my intention, and no amount of Reddit or social media posts praising the vigilante made me feel better about what I had done.
The truth is, I'm not a vigilante. I’m not Superman and I'm definitely not God, so who am I to change what I feel needs to be changed? To redirect a timeline that would otherwise never exist. If there is a God, who am I to change what he himself doesn’t deem worthy to alter? So from now on, I just watch… Or not... One thing’s for sure, the longer I do this, the easier it is to not look away.
SHORT FILM at:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pKzkNB9Df_Y

One thing I've learned from all of this. Is that our beliefs form our perceptions, and have a very powerful way of shaping our own reality.
Imagine 2 alcoholics, with the same DNA and history, who both drink a handle of Vodka a day:

One believes that quitting will be the hardest thing they will ever do, and that even once they have stopped drinking. They will be forever haunted by it, forced to struggle and take it "one day at a time" forever. They believe they will have to forever miss out on a genuine pleasure, because they are powerless and lack self control.
The second alcoholic believes that although withdrawal will suck, but that they will eventually become free from alcohol. They believe that as time goes on, that alcohol will fade into the background and they won't suffer anymore. They believe that alcohol is rotten and will only make them miserable, and they know that they can move on and live happily without it.

Who has the easier time quitting?
Stop for a minute and take a hard look at your own beliefs, are you setting yourself up for failure?
For the naysayers who will respond to this with: "Oww well I know a guy who's 10 years sober and he still struggles every single day! So you must be wrong!" Yeah well, he chose to make it hard for himself... DIDN'T HE??
The truth hurts, and if you're that guy then this will be a hard pill to swallow. But you don't have to be like him, you can wise up and make it easier for yourself, so easy people won't even believe you were an "alcoholic".
Good luck.

I’ve always hated people. Not really people, but having to interact with them. You could call me anti-social, but honestly, it just bothers me how fake people are. Friends, family, relationships. People change at the drop of a dime, or maybe it's just them randomly deciding to show their true colors, either way, people will always find a way to tear you down and make you feel less than nothing. I guess getting stabbed in the back enough times made me want to keep to myself, unfortunately, in this society, it's hard to avoid people. You have to go to the grocery store, you have to speak to cashiers at the gas station, and unfortunately, you have to have a fucking job…
Every aspect of life demands you interact with someone, and I fucking hate it. That's why when COVID hit, and the country got locked down, it didn't bother me one bit. Not only did I not have to go to work, but the government paid me triple what I made, and sure, even though paying millions of people for years on end for no reason caused this ridiculous inflation we're experiencing now, at least I didn't have to interact with anyone, and even though astronomically more people died because of the lockdowns than died of covid due to it causing depression and desperation leading to suicide along other health conditions that couldn't be treated, I still consider it a plus. My only problem was figuring out what to do with my extra time.
At first, it was amazing. The first week I started and finished 3 shows on HULU I had been wanting to watch, but one thing about the lockdown that hit me hard was I couldn't even go joyride in my Mustang. I guess the cop saw me past too many times in one day and pulled me over. He said if I wasn't out to get essentials, I had to go home or Id be arrested which made no fucking sense. Eventually, I got tired of just watching TV and not being able to go out and enjoy the world. I'd never really been into video games, I mean, I had an X box but mainly to play a Friday the 13th game as I was a Jason Voorhese fanatic along with any other content that would be described as especially heinous, but I figure I might as well put the x box to use since I had so much time to kill. Upon searching through the games, I found the one that would give me everything the government took away.
If you're not familiar with GTA5, it's an open-world game where you basically do whatever you want. You design a character and can choose to do different types of missions to make money, or just drive around and interact with the world. The best part for me was it had a Mustang exactly like mine. I made my character look as much like me as I could, did some missions, made some money, and bought my car. I played the actual game for a while but I quickly found myself more fixated on the mechanics of the world. The people walking and driving around saying outrageous things.
I am by no means a computer or programming specialist which is why I guess it amazed me so much. How did it run how it did? I passed the time simply walking behind people, seeing where they went, driving behind cars, to see if they had a destination. I was amazed to see how these people interacted with each other. A pedestrian, crossing the road and getting hit by a car. An ambulance shows up and revives the person. A gang member shooting a gun causes motorists to drive erratically crashing into multiple other cars and causing mayhem. I concluded the game is probably a grid, like a railroad track these people were programmed to walk or drive on, but when forced to deviate from their programmed route was where it got really interesting, for example, one time a plane crashed causing multiple people to run frantically, and I chose one to follow. They ran and ran and decided to get off the road and head up a mountain. They topped the peak and proceeded to fall down the other side, repeating this over multiple ranges until I got tired of following. I've seen them decide to jump in the ocean and swim toward the horizon, and even randomly jump off a bridge. I understand how they can be programmed to follow a predetermined route, and even deviate to another route while staying on the grid, but some of them do things that kind of make me think they can make choices.
At the end of the day, I’m sure it's just my ignorance of programs and computer shit, but I did find it very entertaining to see what these people did. Eventually, I created my own games within the game, mainly a slasher game where I put on a mask and stalked people from the shadows. I’d wait until it was night, and I would carry a machete like Jason, and just follow people until I felt it was their time to die, and I would kill them. I’d walk through trees and backyards finding somone sitting on their porch or standing in their driveway smoking a cigarette, and I would sneak up and kill them. Sometimes I would just watch from the shadows. I wouldn't even be holding my controller, I'd just sit and watch the world exist because I wasn't allowed to watch my own… Or could I?
I loved walking around the areas that were just trees or hills, away from the city where the animals are, so I decided to go experience my own world again, against the wishes of the government. It’s not like anyone would see me at night, especially if I just walked around wooded areas. For some reason, I can't tell you why, but I wanted it to be as much like the fake world I had been living in as possible, so I even ordered a mask like the one I had been wearing. I put on clothes similar to my character and walked out my back door and into the woods behind my house. The cool breeze was refreshing and the sky was so clear the moon lit up the forest. I had no clue how deep it was but I knew it was deep enough to not worry about cops seeing me and forcing me to return to my prison. For hours I just walked around, admiring nature, all the while wearing a mask and gripping a machete. All of a sudden, through the trees I saw an illuminated floating window. It was too dark to see the house until I got to the wood line. I wondered what the people inside were doing. What they might be up to. I fought with myself in my head about going and finding out inevitably choosing to have a peek. What's the worst that could happen? There were no trespassing signs and the way the law works is you have to be told not to be there by the police before you can get in trouble. The thought of this person having a gun crossed my mind but not before my legs had started walking across the yard. At that point it was already too late, not to mention, I didn't really care. I wanted to see what they were up to.
Only one window was lit up and it was the perfect height for me to peek through. I crouched below it and slowly rose to look inside. It was absent of blinds but it had curtains that were slightly pulled apart, a kitchen window. A woman was doing dishes as her kids were sitting at the table finishing dinner. I wasn't sure if her husband was home, or if she even had one, but I was satisfied with what I saw and decided not to find out. My heart was still racing As I walked back through the woods. This was exhilarating, but as the adrenaline started to wear off, I started to realize I didn't know my way back. I wasn't worried. I happened to have the Google Earth app and knew it would help me find my way home but when I lifted my mask to look at my phone, I realized 2 things. 1, these woods were pretty big, but not that big. Maybe a square mile surrounded 15 houses along its border. 2, it was only 10 o'clock. I obviously didn't have to go to work the next day, so why not check out another house before I call it a night?
As I made my way to the east side of the woods I started to question if what I was doing was wrong. Sure, I could lose the machete, but in my defense, originally I just planned on walking around the woods. I couldn't kill someone. Not in REAL life. But what's the difference between this and simply looking out your window at your neighbor's house or staring at a jogger a little longer than normal? I was just getting a closer look. I decided to lose the machete in case I was seen and continued through the woods until I saw light dancing through the trees. The smoke smell in the air told me it was a fire up ahead and when I approached the woodline I could see a shadow moving back and forth. I crouched down low and parted the bushes to see a barrel with a blazing fire, and a man carrying a cage. I couldn't see what was inside but once I heard the meows I had an idea. He opened the cage pulled out a small cat, maybe a kitten, placed it in a burlap sack, and tossed it in the barrel. The meows turned to screams and it was so loud I had to cover my ears. I quickly turned and darted back into the woods.
I felt horrible, but what was I going to do? The cat was already in the fire so there was no saving it. The screams echoed through the woods for maybe 20 seconds, and then it was quiet. I had heard that sound before thinking it was just some cats fighting or something. How could someone be so fucked up? I mean, I know I can't say much, I’m watching people from the woods with a mask on, but I’m not burning cats alive. I couldn't get home fast enough. I crawled into bed and forced myself asleep so I didn't have to think about what I had just seen and thank God I didn't have any nightmares about it. The next day, I woke up instantly thinking about it but the shock of it had kinda worn off. I felt a little numb trying to understand how evil like that could exist, but I carried on with my day eventually forgetting about it altogether.
When the sun started to go down, I reentered the woods, this time with a route planned out. I’d check out 3 houses a night, all on different sides of the wooded patch in case I were seen I would be out of the general area, and also to learn my way around the woods so I didn't have to rely on Google to tell me where I was at. The first house was dark and the absence of cars in the drive led me to believe no one was home or maybe it was unoccupied. I didn’t approach the second house due to a man working in his garage. The car he was working on was nice and had him so preoccupied he didn't even notice me watching from the open door. I lingered for a bit and then headed off to my final house before calling it a night. I could hear the whipping sound before getting close to the house. My jaw dropped inside my mask when I looked through the window and saw where it was coming from. A man in a wheelchair, and an older woman wearing a face of pure anger, gripping the belt. He sat in his chair emotionless as the woman repeatedly hit him with the belt. He didn't even try to fight back, and honestly, I don’t even think he knew what was going on. The lifeless look on his face told me he was an empty vessel, a health condition the woman resented for whatever reason. I wanted nothing more than to bust in and stop her, but was it my place?
I wanted to take my mind off of what I was seeing, and the image of the woman and her kids came into my mind. I wondered what they were doing… Maybe something normal that would make ME feel normal again. I made my way to the yellow house hoping the wholesome view of a loving family would prevent any nightmares the scene would cause, but when I got close I could hear the yelling. She did have a husband, and they were arguing. Looking through the window, I could see her crying in the kitchen, the man towering over her with fury in his voice. The kids weren't there but it was 11 pm so I assumed they were asleep, unable to hear the anger filling the house. I didn't like how he talked to her, but again, what could I do?
For weeks, I watched the evil that dwelled in the houses surrounding the woods, walking through the dark trees with negative sounds echoing through my head. Images of people, hurting each other, or themselves. 15 houses, very few pleasant to watch, or anything that could be considered normal. Every Monday, a sound echoed through the forest. I felt it starting to change me, drive me crazy but at the same time, cause me to feel numb. So much pain in such a small area, the craziness inside every box with a door. How much more was in the rest of the world?! What even was normal? I made a decision. Sticky notes.
“Hurting yourself isn’t the answer”
“How would you like to be in a wheelchair?”
“You'll burn next if you don’t stop.”
Messages no one would report because they’d have to explain. I approached the yellow house to leave my last note. “Treat her better”, that’s all it said. Maybe it would be enough. Maybe if these people knew someone was watching they would change their ways. His car door would be the best place for this one. As I stuck it on the handle, I could hear the yelling. He was always yelling, and drunk. It was worse than usual because I could hear things being thrown and slammed. I peeked through the usual window just as he flipped the kitchen table and backed her against the wall. He raised his hand, bringing it down across her face. She hit the floor as he stood over her. He took another swig from his bottle before striking her again. Between every angry sentence, he would hit her. He was going to kill her!
Before I could even think I had kicked in the door. Before he could even turn, I had picked up a chair and swung it at his head. He hit the ground and the woman started to scream even louder. I looked down to see the blood pouring from his head. I dropped the chair and ran back into the woods, her screams fading the further I got.
I got home, hid the mask, and bit my nails to the nubs waiting for whatever evidence I left behind to lead the cops to me. Any trails I made over my weeks of walking through the woods, like breadcrumbs for the police, but they never came.
The next day, every news channel played the same story. "Man killed by a masked vigilante." The woman had told the story, exactly how it happened. How he was beating her mercilessly. How she feared for her life, and how a masked person had come in to save it. I wasn’t proud of what I had done. I had taken a man's life. What if he was only going to hit her one last time and be done? Did this man really deserve to die? It wasn’t my intention, and no amount of Reddit or social media posts praising the vigilante made me feel better about what I had done.
The truth is, I'm not a vigilante. I’m not Superman and I'm definitely not God, so who am I to change what I feel needs to be changed? To redirect a timeline that would otherwise never exist. If there is a God, who am I to change what he himself doesn’t deem worthy to alter? So from now on, I just watch… Or not... One thing’s for sure, the longer I do this, the easier it is to not look away.
SHORT FILM at:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pKzkNB9Df_Y

This is the third installment of my posts where I provide my thoughts on the team to try and a discussion and learn where we differ. If you’re interested, you can read part 2 here and part 1 here.
Last time around, I led with the statement “No Löwen? No goals.” We’ve only seen Löwen back now for a handful of minutes, and I think I was right on the money. But, it isn’t the whole story.
Löwen, other than Burki, is likely our best player by a large margin. Looking back to last Saturday against Seattle, the entire game shifted when he stepped on the pitch. He didn’t just play for St. Louis City, he was City. Löwen’s ability to pick out passes and create chances is unparalleled within our squad, and missing him was a massive hit to the team and that’s been proven in just 100 minutes.
My hope is that Löwen can finally help the biggest problem since I wrote my last post and even before that. We can’t finish for shit. Every time we get into the final third, it seems like play just stands still and we can’t progress towards the goal. Extra passes, misplaced balls, and a general lack of what to do has plagued this team. Löwen brings creativity and pure talent to the attack at a time when we really need it.
Now that brings me to the “Löwen isn’t the whole story” part. One player does not make a team. I live and die by the Polish National Team, but even with Lewandowski, arguably one of the best strikers of this generation, we’re absolute dogshit. I could write a whole book on why the Poland sucks literal ass at football with decent talent, but that is neither here nor there. They point is that football is an 11 man sport - not 1. Löwen coming back will no doubt usher in more goals, and hopefully more points, but we still need quality across the board to win games, and we’re really lacking a Gioacchini right now.
Cedric Tuechert is Lutz’s answer to the hole left by our old number 11. I’m not trying to be pessemistic, but I’ll believe it when I see it. I haven’t watched him play enough to make any sort of judgement on whether he’ll fit in at City, so I’ll hold any commentary until he’s putting in decent shifts. I hope to God that he can fill the role that Gioacchini once played, just being able to put the fucking ball on net. If we have that, I could see us finishing much higher than our current position.
Now the fun part. There’s been a lot of negativity in this sub - some of it coming from me, I’ll admit - but I think this is the most exciting time for CIty since our first game almost a year and a half ago. We have less points than the same time last season, but I think we’re much better than we were last year. I spoken extensively in my last few posts about our inability to play through the midfield, and if we can figure than part out, we’d be golden. I think we’re finally getting there. I absolutely hated watching the kick and run footy we used to play, just launching the ball up to Klauss and watching him work his magic. It wasn’t sustainable then, and it isn’t sustainable now. Let’s also remember the sheer number of goals that we were scoring from set pieces last season, and now we’re finally scoring fairly consistently from open play.
We’ve needed to lose games and tie (a lot) more to get to this point, but I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. Being able to play through the midfield is essential to a good and sustainable strategy, and I’m really excited for what comes next this season. I certainly haven’t been the most optimistic person when it came to City in the past, but I feel it now. Big things are coming.
I had written the preceding analysis before the Miami game and intended to leave it there. It was overall positive and I was finding a lot to like. Bradley Carnell sucks at managing the game while we're playing. The entire Miami game we were in control and we were the better team, and we easily would have walked away with 3 points had BC not subbed on Hiebert and Thor and parked the bus. He makes the exact same mistakes week in and week out and never seems to learn from them. Parking the bus didn’t work the first 4 times, but surely the 5th will buck the trend! Of the 8 draws we’ve had, probably about 6 of them have come from games we should have won, but due to poor decision making in the second half, we ended up with 1 point instead of 3. Miami was just another addition to that tally. I’m not calling for the gaffer’s head quite yet, but it doesn’t take a football genius to realize that parking the bus never works for us and to finally make some smart subs instead of subbing people in and out willy nilly. I had come into the Miami game expecting nothing but I still left watching that game disappointed.
Now that my rant is over, that brings us to my favorite segment - Stars, Standouts, and Stinkers. Just like last time stars are those we are seeing put down really good performances consistently, standouts have shown the have massive potential but don’t bring it every game, and stinkers, well, stink. (-) means that the player is in the same bracket as last time or I didn't rank them. (-1) and (+1) mean moving down or up, respectively.
Stars:
Burki (-)

Bürki is St. Louis City and St. Louis City is Bürki. I don’t even want to imagine where we would be if we didn’t have him.

Totland (-)

Tots has been massive for this club. With our right and left backs, we’ve always struggled with finding someone that has good offensive upside but still defends well. We’ve found that with Tots and it has proved massive for our attack and backline.

Durkin (-)

Durkin fits the City system perfectly. He came up massive against Miami and has proven to be a good constant at CDM. If he can clean up some of the unnecessary fouls, he’d be in the running for our best outfield player

Löwen (-)

I’ve spent most of this post describing just how essential Löwen is to our success, so I’ll leave it there.

Vassilev (-)

Vassy has really stepped up this season. He was still very good last season, but it seems like he’s really grown into his role this season, and we’re better for it.

Standouts:
Célio (-1)

It hurts to bump Célio down, but he hasn’t been as good as he was last time I wrote an update to this post. He is still a great play maker and his dribbles are almost godly, but he is hard too timid with the ball. It seems like there is a situation every game now where I’m shouting at the TV “Shoot the fucking ball Célio!” He holds onto the ball far too long, and instead of taking it himself, he instead waits for someone to arrive to help him and it always ends up being a poor decision.

Alm (-)

I honestly don’t know what to write for Alm. He’s been good, but I also kinda forget he’s on the field sometimes. He always makes really fast runs to press, but nothing really every comes of it. I think Alm will benefit a lot from the presence of Löwen on the field.

Kijima (-)

Hosei my hero! Kijima has had massive potential since that very first goal against Dynamo is CCC. It hurt that BC wasn’t trusting him with more minutes, but instead putting AZ on (don’t you worry, we’ll get to him). Last night, Kijima was one of the best players on the field, and there were 4 legends of the game sharing it with him! I foresee starts coming for Kijima, and we’re going to be much better for it.

Klauss (+1)

Last time around, I had Klauss as one of the only stinkers. He’s grown a lot more since then, finally seeming to feel more comfortable in the new formation and without Gio to help him up top. We haven’t seen Santa Klauss since the SKC game, where he went on an absolute tear. But since then, Klauss has been… fine? I think like many others, Klauss has struggled without Löwen’s beautiful balls. He usually has good chances, but he either bricks a clear chance or is positioned somewhere he definitely shouldn’t be. Hopefully when Tuechert arrives, we can get back to Klauss doing the work and Tuechert finishing. Klauss can get the ball where it needs to be, but he is far from the best finisher on this team.

Stinkers:
AZ (-)

Boy oh boy I’ve been waiting to write this. Last time I wrote a update to this series, AZ was still getting consistent starts and I called for him to ride the bench for awhile. That actually happened, and now I’m calling for AZ to be sent down to City 2. He isn’t cut out for professional football. He’s had moments this season when he wasn’t plain bad, but even with that, when he steps on the field, he is our weakest link. He’s small and gets muscled off the ball easily, and then flops to the ground to try and get a call because he simply isn’t cut out to battle with players who have fairly normal physicality for MLS. He provides this team with minimal benefit when he’s playing well, but is a massive detriment when he isn’t. With the run of form Kijima has been on, I hope to see AZ less and less.

Big Sam (-1)

If I had a nickle for every time a pass hit the back of Sam’s foot on a break, I’d have 4 nickles, which isn’t a lot, but isn’t it crazy it’s happened 4 times? Sam started the season off great, but he just isn’t it right now. He had so many great chances against Miami, and couldn’t capitalize on any of them. A lot of people have said that Klauss is a much better team player than Sam because he comes back to help defend. I think this is one of the biggest weaknesses of Klauss, personally. He backtracks and then ends up in a suboptimal position if the run of play turns our way. I think our 9’s shouldn’t have to be backtracking to defend. They should be waiting up top for a good ball so they can break quickly. So when Sam didn’t come back to defend, I didn’t have a big problem with it, but if you’re not going to defend you better be able to score goals.

(for all the players not ranked, this post is already long enough and I didn't have any major thoughts about them)
Conclusion/TLDR:
I'm really excited for the next set of games. Like I mentioned before, we're finally figuring out how to create chances in open play, but we're still lacking a bit in being able to convert those chances into goals. I've been begging for Lutz to finally spend some money on a good outfield player that will be able to score goals, and I hope one of my next posts will have a lot of good to say about Tuechert. Löwen, apart from Bürki, is our most important player right now. With him on the pitch, the game completely shifts in our favor. Carnell is just straight up bad at making decisions during the game. Every manager has their own weaknesses, and I hope that BC will finally recognize that weakness and try and learn from it.
I know this was a really long post. My hope is, like always, that we can have a conversation about the good and the bad and maybe even debate my thoughts a bit. Looking back to my older posts, it's gone from a scathing review of City, a somewhat measured analysis of both the good and the bad, to now being overall pretty positive. If anything, that means we're on a positive trajectory. We might have won the western conference in the first 5 games last season, but the last 5 games will be just as important this season.
Till next time.

Hello, I’m 21f, and I just had a recent ct with contrast done on my pelvis and abdomen. I have a follow up ultrasound for my ovaries on the 14th. They found something in my kidney, but what I’m moreso concerned about is what they say is an ovarian cyst in my right ovary.
Last year around this time I had a pelvic ultrasound where they measured my ovaries. My right was dramatically smaller than my left. My left measured : 2.9 x 2.2 x 1.8 cm with a volume of 5.4mL My right measured : 1.9 x 1.7 x 1.6 cm with a volume of 2.7mL
This cyst according to the CT scan reads to be approximately 32mm x 45 mm in my right ovary.
Now Im in excruciating pain, to the point it hurts to walk. Granted my right kidney also having a possible cyst isn’t helping that, but the pain in my pelvis is horrible. With it being that size, will they have to take out my ovary? Or if that’d even be an option. (I’d say yes if it was, I still got my left one and plan to adopt anyhow.)
Also, is my right ovary extremely small for its size? (Obviously not recent measurements, but asking for before the cyst formed) I would just like some insight, as I’m not too worried about the outcome. My grandmother had her ovary removed when she was younger because of a cyst the size of an egg so things like this run in my family.
Thank you for reading and for any insight, im gratefully appreciative and would answer any questions.

Hi dad (and anyone else in the family),
TL;DR See "what I need help with" paragraph.
Our background: My friend (26M) and I (31M) have known each other for nearly 2 years and friends for nearly 1. I know that's not much time, but we've become really close. I've been there for him through many of his tough times, and he's done a lot to make me a better person. I see him as the brother I wish I had, and he described me as a role model and mentor. We've had ups-and-downs in our friendship, and in the past we talk it through and bounce back the next day.
The setback: Due to poor communication, he unknowingly did something that hurt me 7 weeks ago, and I made poor choices as a result that violated their boundaries on 2 separate occasions (6 weeks ago and 3 weeks ago). I apologized the day after both incidents. He knows how deeply sorry I am, and he told me to stop beating myself up over it when we met for lunch last week. He thinks I have made things worse by "overinflating the issue" (apologizing not just for my actions but for its potential implications/unintended consequences), but I am just so wracked with guilt.
The current situation: At lunch last week, he assured me he "want[s] to maintain this friendship" and that this is "just a bump in the road", that things will go back "all in good time", to "trust the process" and "go with the flow". We used to exchange a number of messages nearly everyday, but we haven't spoken much socially since my first mistake 6 weeks ago. My last "social" message from days ago remains unread (I replied to his reply to a meme I sent him), but he replied with kindness to a more "serious" message I sent him yesterday (different platforms). He has always been kind, though, so I don't want to read too much into it. However, I feel there is still some affection there on his end so not all is lost. I'd like to believe we both still see the good in each other and see a future as friends.
What I need help with (any of the below):

His actions make it seem like he needs space, but I've been missing him a lot. How do I deal with this? I don't know how much space to give and when to reach out again (they're not the type to initiate even when we're on good terms).
I'm having difficulty handling the uncertainty and believing him. I fear this friendship will never go back to the way things were. They say some friends are only meant to last for a season or to teach a lesson, but I don't want this friendship to become one of those.
I need hope - I want to hear stories of friends who had misunderstandings and somehow overcame the odds and went back to the way things were or became stronger than before.
I'm having difficulty forgiving myself even though he says I should let it go. I feel like I ruined our friendship. How do I practice more self-compassion?
Any other emotional support or words of hope/encouragement

Thank you.

I’ve always hated people. Not really people, but having to interact with them. You could call me anti-social, but honestly, it just bothers me how fake people are. Friends, family, relationships. People change at the drop of a dime, or maybe it's just them randomly deciding to show their true colors, either way, people will always find a way to tear you down and make you feel less than nothing. I guess getting stabbed in the back enough times made me want to keep to myself, unfortunately, in this society, it's hard to avoid people. You have to go to the grocery store, you have to speak to cashiers at the gas station, and unfortunately, you have to have a fucking job…
Every aspect of life demands you interact with someone, and I fucking hate it. That's why when COVID hit, and the country got locked down, it didn't bother me one bit. Not only did I not have to go to work, but the government paid me triple what I made, and sure, even though paying millions of people for years on end for no reason caused this ridiculous inflation we're experiencing now, at least I didn't have to interact with anyone, and even though astronomically more people died because of the lockdowns than died of covid due to it causing depression and desperation leading to suicide along other health conditions that couldn't be treated, I still consider it a plus. My only problem was figuring out what to do with my extra time.
At first, it was amazing. The first week I started and finished 3 shows on HULU I had been wanting to watch, but one thing about the lockdown that hit me hard was I couldn't even go joyride in my Mustang. I guess the cop saw me past too many times in one day and pulled me over. He said if I wasn't out to get essentials, I had to go home or Id be arrested which made no fucking sense. Eventually, I got tired of just watching TV and not being able to go out and enjoy the world. I'd never really been into video games, I mean, I had an X box but mainly to play a Friday the 13th game as I was a Jason Voorhese fanatic along with any other content that would be described as especially heinous, but I figure I might as well put the x box to use since I had so much time to kill. Upon searching through the games, I found the one that would give me everything the government took away.
If you're not familiar with GTA5, it's an open-world game where you basically do whatever you want. You design a character and can choose to do different types of missions to make money, or just drive around and interact with the world. The best part for me was it had a Mustang exactly like mine. I made my character look as much like me as I could, did some missions, made some money, and bought my car. I played the actual game for a while but I quickly found myself more fixated on the mechanics of the world. The people walking and driving around saying outrageous things.
I am by no means a computer or programming specialist which is why I guess it amazed me so much. How did it run how it did? I passed the time simply walking behind people, seeing where they went, driving behind cars, to see if they had a destination. I was amazed to see how these people interacted with each other. A pedestrian, crossing the road and getting hit by a car. An ambulance shows up and revives the person. A gang member shooting a gun causes motorists to drive erratically crashing into multiple other cars and causing mayhem. I concluded the game is probably a grid, like a railroad track these people were programmed to walk or drive on, but when forced to deviate from their programmed route was where it got really interesting, for example, one time a plane crashed causing multiple people to run frantically, and I chose one to follow. They ran and ran and decided to get off the road and head up a mountain. They topped the peak and proceeded to fall down the other side, repeating this over multiple ranges until I got tired of following. I've seen them decide to jump in the ocean and swim toward the horizon, and even randomly jump off a bridge. I understand how they can be programmed to follow a predetermined route, and even deviate to another route while staying on the grid, but some of them do things that kind of make me think they can make choices.
At the end of the day, I’m sure it's just my ignorance of programs and computer shit, but I did find it very entertaining to see what these people did. Eventually, I created my own games within the game, mainly a slasher game where I put on a mask and stalked people from the shadows. I’d wait until it was night, and I would carry a machete like Jason, and just follow people until I felt it was their time to die, and I would kill them. I’d walk through trees and backyards finding somone sitting on their porch or standing in their driveway smoking a cigarette, and I would sneak up and kill them. Sometimes I would just watch from the shadows. I wouldn't even be holding my controller, I'd just sit and watch the world exist because I wasn't allowed to watch my own… Or could I?
I loved walking around the areas that were just trees or hills, away from the city where the animals are, so I decided to go experience my own world again, against the wishes of the government. It’s not like anyone would see me at night, especially if I just walked around wooded areas. For some reason, I can't tell you why, but I wanted it to be as much like the fake world I had been living in as possible, so I even ordered a mask like the one I had been wearing. I put on clothes similar to my character and walked out my back door and into the woods behind my house. The cool breeze was refreshing and the sky was so clear the moon lit up the forest. I had no clue how deep it was but I knew it was deep enough to not worry about cops seeing me and forcing me to return to my prison. For hours I just walked around, admiring nature, all the while wearing a mask and gripping a machete. All of a sudden, through the trees I saw an illuminated floating window. It was too dark to see the house until I got to the wood line. I wondered what the people inside were doing. What they might be up to. I fought with myself in my head about going and finding out inevitably choosing to have a peek. What's the worst that could happen? There were no trespassing signs and the way the law works is you have to be told not to be there by the police before you can get in trouble. The thought of this person having a gun crossed my mind but not before my legs had started walking across the yard. At that point it was already too late, not to mention, I didn't really care. I wanted to see what they were up to.
Only one window was lit up and it was the perfect height for me to peek through. I crouched below it and slowly rose to look inside. It was absent of blinds but it had curtains that were slightly pulled apart, a kitchen window. A woman was doing dishes as her kids were sitting at the table finishing dinner. I wasn't sure if her husband was home, or if she even had one, but I was satisfied with what I saw and decided not to find out. My heart was still racing As I walked back through the woods. This was exhilarating, but as the adrenaline started to wear off, I started to realize I didn't know my way back. I wasn't worried. I happened to have the Google Earth app and knew it would help me find my way home but when I lifted my mask to look at my phone, I realized 2 things. 1, these woods were pretty big, but not that big. Maybe a square mile surrounded 15 houses along its border. 2, it was only 10 o'clock. I obviously didn't have to go to work the next day, so why not check out another house before I call it a night?
As I made my way to the east side of the woods I started to question if what I was doing was wrong. Sure, I could lose the machete, but in my defense, originally I just planned on walking around the woods. I couldn't kill someone. Not in REAL life. But what's the difference between this and simply looking out your window at your neighbor's house or staring at a jogger a little longer than normal? I was just getting a closer look. I decided to lose the machete in case I was seen and continued through the woods until I saw light dancing through the trees. The smoke smell in the air told me it was a fire up ahead and when I approached the woodline I could see a shadow moving back and forth. I crouched down low and parted the bushes to see a barrel with a blazing fire, and a man carrying a cage. I couldn't see what was inside but once I heard the meows I had an idea. He opened the cage pulled out a small cat, maybe a kitten, placed it in a burlap sack, and tossed it in the barrel. The meows turned to screams and it was so loud I had to cover my ears. I quickly turned and darted back into the woods.
I felt horrible, but what was I going to do? The cat was already in the fire so there was no saving it. The screams echoed through the woods for maybe 20 seconds, and then it was quiet. I had heard that sound before thinking it was just some cats fighting or something. How could someone be so fucked up? I mean, I know I can't say much, I’m watching people from the woods with a mask on, but I’m not burning cats alive. I couldn't get home fast enough. I crawled into bed and forced myself asleep so I didn't have to think about what I had just seen and thank God I didn't have any nightmares about it. The next day, I woke up instantly thinking about it but the shock of it had kinda worn off. I felt a little numb trying to understand how evil like that could exist, but I carried on with my day eventually forgetting about it altogether.
When the sun started to go down, I reentered the woods, this time with a route planned out. I’d check out 3 houses a night, all on different sides of the wooded patch in case I were seen I would be out of the general area, and also to learn my way around the woods so I didn't have to rely on Google to tell me where I was at. The first house was dark and the absence of cars in the drive led me to believe no one was home or maybe it was unoccupied. I didn’t approach the second house due to a man working in his garage. The car he was working on was nice and had him so preoccupied he didn't even notice me watching from the open door. I lingered for a bit and then headed off to my final house before calling it a night. I could hear the whipping sound before getting close to the house. My jaw dropped inside my mask when I looked through the window and saw where it was coming from. A man in a wheelchair, and an older woman wearing a face of pure anger, gripping the belt. He sat in his chair emotionless as the woman repeatedly hit him with the belt. He didn't even try to fight back, and honestly, I don’t even think he knew what was going on. The lifeless look on his face told me he was an empty vessel, a health condition the woman resented for whatever reason. I wanted nothing more than to bust in and stop her, but was it my place?
I wanted to take my mind off of what I was seeing, and the image of the woman and her kids came into my mind. I wondered what they were doing… Maybe something normal that would make ME feel normal again. I made my way to the yellow house hoping the wholesome view of a loving family would prevent any nightmares the scene would cause, but when I got close I could hear the yelling. She did have a husband, and they were arguing. Looking through the window, I could see her crying in the kitchen, the man towering over her with fury in his voice. The kids weren't there but it was 11 pm so I assumed they were asleep, unable to hear the anger filling the house. I didn't like how he talked to her, but again, what could I do?
For weeks, I watched the evil that dwelled in the houses surrounding the woods, walking through the dark trees with negative sounds echoing through my head. Images of people, hurting each other, or themselves. 15 houses, very few pleasant to watch, or anything that could be considered normal. Every Monday, a sound echoed through the forest. I felt it starting to change me, drive me crazy but at the same time, cause me to feel numb. So much pain in such a small area, the craziness inside every box with a door. How much more was in the rest of the world?! What even was normal? I made a decision. Sticky notes.
“Hurting yourself isn’t the answer”
“How would you like to be in a wheelchair?”
“You'll burn next if you don’t stop.”
Messages no one would report because they’d have to explain. I approached the yellow house to leave my last note. “Treat her better”, that’s all it said. Maybe it would be enough. Maybe if these people knew someone was watching they would change their ways. His car door would be the best place for this one. As I stuck it on the handle, I could hear the yelling. He was always yelling, and drunk. It was worse than usual because I could hear things being thrown and slammed. I peeked through the usual window just as he flipped the kitchen table and backed her against the wall. He raised his hand, bringing it down across her face. She hit the floor as he stood over her. He took another swig from his bottle before striking her again. Between every angry sentence, he would hit her. He was going to kill her!
Before I could even think I had kicked in the door. Before he could even turn, I had picked up a chair and swung it at his head. He hit the ground and the woman started to scream even louder. I looked down to see the blood pouring from his head. I dropped the chair and ran back into the woods, her screams fading the further I got.
I got home, hid the mask, and bit my nails to the nubs waiting for whatever evidence I left behind to lead the cops to me. Any trails I made over my weeks of walking through the woods, like breadcrumbs for the police, but they never came.
The next day, every news channel played the same story. "Man killed by a masked vigilante." The woman had told the story, exactly how it happened. How he was beating her mercilessly. How she feared for her life, and how a masked person had come in to save it. I wasn’t proud of what I had done. I had taken a man's life. What if he was only going to hit her one last time and be done? Did this man really deserve to die? It wasn’t my intention, and no amount of Reddit or social media posts praising the vigilante made me feel better about what I had done.
The truth is, I'm not a vigilante. I’m not Superman and I'm definitely not God, so who am I to change what I feel needs to be changed? To redirect a timeline that would otherwise never exist. If there is a God, who am I to change what he himself doesn’t deem worthy to alter? So from now on, I just watch… Or not... One thing’s for sure, the longer I do this, the easier it is to not look away.
SHORT FILM at:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pKzkNB9Df_Y

Dear Mina,
When I first saw one of your YouTube videos, something in me objectively cringed. Your message, your energy, and your persona did not feel right. You felt inauthentic, judgmental, misguided and mean.
Still, like many women, I was vulnerable and wanted to better myself. Perhaps it was the pandemic, and the related isolation, uncertainty, sadness and existential feelings, that spurred so many of us to become so vulnerable that we set aside red flag after red flag with you.
Perhaps, we fell for your tragic stories of life. Perhaps we wanted to offer you community. Humans can be such beautifully, sympathetic creatures.
Fortunately, now that there are several public accounts of your behavior, my hope is that many women will not as easily be duped.
After some time of watching your videos, you really sold your lifestyle. You sold the image that spending hundreds of thousands on “inner work” with you is the only way to “win” in life. The only way to be enough. The only way to achieve my dreams, be happy, and have a loving relationship. You normalized overspending money that one does not have. You encouraged women to tip 100%. You encouraged women to treat men poorly. You encouraged women to mistrust one another. You shamed women who did not dress like you and who did not live like you. You shamed women for not being like you. Your messages were so confusing. Red flag after red flag, I continued to support you. However you did this, bravo. But deeds and this behavior do not go unnoticed by the universe.
I’ve learned a lot from this, but none of it is from what you purport to “teach” or “channel”.
I’ve learned to listen to my intuition, to be wary of scammers like yourself, to follow my own path, to know my choices are valid, and to not allow strangers with inauthentic personas to dictate anything in my life. I’ve learned that I am whole as I am. That I do not need to continuously funnel money to sources outside of me to try to be better, to have a community, or to be happy. I’ve also learned to be more compassionate of others who are duped in similar situations. I’ve learned to let my voice be heard against wrongdoers like you.
These are great lessons.
I thank you for none of them.
These lessons are surfaced because of me and my reflection.
You have caused so much pain and so much confusion to so many women.
I am not sure what has happened to you to make you believe this is ok. To make you feel justified in ruining so many women’s lives. To make you feel proud of how you are living your life. I hope you can do the work to not pass this trauma to your children. Whatever has happened, I hope you can do the inner work you need to overcome this and truly evolve.
You often attribute your many contradictions to “evolution”. Evolution is growth. And it seems you have not grown through the years. Instead, you seem to have channeled whatever trauma you’ve been through to others. Changing one’s mind is acceptable and can be positive, but not in the way you’ve done it - when one changes their mind from ideas they vehemently espouse, most do so with an explanation on the change, on the actual evolution. You don’t seem to have exhibited any of this growth. Instead, you push misinformed doctrine after misinformed doctrine, and you shame anyone who notices and rightfully asks for an explanation.
You have taken advantage of so many women who only wanted to better themselves.
You shamed women. You belittled women. You lied to women.
I wish better for any human. While I cannot truthfully say that I wish you well, I wish you higher evolution for your higher self’s sake. I wish you a path where you can grow from this and realize what you have done. This is what I would wish for anyone who has lived life the way you do.
As you read these threads, I do hope this gives other women you have so deeply wronged and hurt an outlet to express to you.
No, we do not have to spend thousands just to get airtime with you. It’s evident we can get airtime simply by expressing our truths, which you feel threatened by.
You wrongly teach that we should not care about anyone’s opinions of us. While this is a good lesson generally and in many self-help teachings, you seem to have missed one of the most important nuances: this must be within reason. When you are clearly hurting hundreds of women, when you clearly are acting in a misguided way and are clearly detached from the wisdom of your higher self, it is time to heed the feedback of others.
Sincerely, One of the many women who now sees your truth and will not stand for it, who energetically rejects you and all the harm you have done.

Yesterday was our 5-year marriage anniversary; 7 years together. He is a beautiful and kind person, but the years have been so rocky because of his depression. He has been through 4 major depressive episodes, each lasting long than previously.
We moved about a year ago, and it has been the worst year of our marriage to date. He gave up on himself and his ability to fight the illness. He tried to be there for me by being physically present (on vacations, driving me to appointments, etc) but is still a hollow shell. Able to work but sleeps from 6pm-730am, minimal conversation, watches TV or scrolls instagram.
I feel abandoned emotionally and physically. I come from a long line of marriages that were long term roommates - my parents and grandparents and great grandparents. I can see where we are heading and really don’t want to live out that life.
I had a heart to heart conversation with him yesterday. I was as kind as I could possibly be. I didn’t give an ultimatum but let him know I’m inviting him to intensive therapy - couples and individual - because we are heading down a road that is so scary to me. I’m concerned it’s going to end in a physical or emotional affair because I feel so isolated and abandoned. He recently started hidden drinking as well and a lot of trust has been broken because of that.
It hurts so much to watch him sobbing, saying he’s sorry he can’t be the man I need, saying it is triggering severe shame. I feel awful but I really don’t see another way forward.
I know there aren’t easy answers to any of this. It is so hard cutting the person you love. I just hope that was the right decision.
Are there men out there who need a wife and not a mother? Willing and able to prioritize a partnership and work hard for mutual support? That dream seems so elusive.
F*€£!k, depression is a beast.

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