I'm a fan of Stefan Kuhne being our DJ. If you look through the playlists, most other DJs on NDR played much more vanilla rock, but he played some really interesting stuff & unknown bands. Paul Baskerville said the song was probably played on Stefan's show, and Lydia says he was one of Darius's favorite DJs. Also, Stefan Kuhne has a lipsmack ( https://voca.ro/11vngk28itsz ) that matches the TMMS Lipsmack: https://voca.ro/18WHHutcEVjf pretty closely.
If TMS was played in September, 1984 then there are 4 times that month that Stefan was the DJ - Sept 7, 14, 21 and 28 (all Fridays).
I've gone through all those shows below in some detail and also prepared a YouTube playlist for each show. What is interesting is that every one of Stefan's shows that month was recorded pretty heavily by Darius or Lydia across many tapes. They definitely liked and recorded his stuff. I like Sep 28 because a lot of songs on the N01 tape that has our best copy of TMS were played on that date. But there are a few songs that haven't ever been located from Sept 21 as well that are worth digging in to :
Unknown songs from Sept 21:

• Twist Noir - Loving a Bitch.

Twist Noir is completely different style from what I've found and I can only find female lead singer. Example: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9FoOTwuSKQ

• The Painless Dirties - She Loves Me Forever
• The Painless Dirties - Modern Love

The Painless Dirties also pretty different singing style - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kzerrlOcKds

• Asmodi Bizarr - Loup Garou - this is listed as missing in the playlists but I found an uploaded version now. not far off style in some ways but female singer only that I can find, cant see them ever having a male lead singer - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EfPoKmM1_8k

Anyway, I'm putting some info about all his shows from Sept. 1984 here. Perhaps someone else can see something here. Otherwise, enjoy listening to the playlists for each date and let me know if TMS might have fit well in any of the shows.

Songs Played on 1984-09-07

YouTube Playlist for this date: https://www.youtube.com/watch_videos?video_ids=iY96bEZTSTc,IJNxp78gG48,fXEkaUokqnM,4UkoCtCEhVU,N0azFHAhGLw,1_dE3Fmyesg,7NdpUGW8ru4,h7Jovvl7GJQ,xcc0V-W6L0I,ZIOw2NJn8yM,GJ6rSrYSAbg,t6cU9opuO74,LXeN2vLoG5o

1. Malcolm McLaren - One Fine Day / Madam Butterfly
2. The Mighty Wah! - Weekends
3. DCL Locomotive - King Midas in Reverse
4. Aztec Camera - Still On Fire
5. Romeo Void - Just Too Easy
6. Me & The Heat - Where Has My Heart Gone
7. The Associates - Waiting For the Loveboat
8. Bronski Beat - Why?
9. Akabu - Watch Yourself
10. Stockholm Monsters - Decalogue
11. John Cale - Waiting for My Man
12. John Cale - Heartbreak Hotel
13. Me & The Heat - Got to Get Away

Unknown songs: NIL

Songs from 1984-09-07 on Tapes

1. Aztec Camera - Still On Fire
   • Appears on tapes: BASF 03 A, N12 A, N14 B
2. The Mighty Wah! - Weekends
   • Appears on tapes: N14 B, BASF 17 B
3. Romeo Void - Just Too Easy
   • Appears on tape: N14 B
4. Me & The Heat - Where Has My Heart Gone
   • Appears on tape: N14 B
5. Stockholm Monsters - Decalogue
   • Appears on tape: N14 B

Songs Played on 1984-09-14

YouTube playlist for this date: https://www.youtube.com/watch_videos?video_ids=tX48dvm9A0Q,RoX9r8Nl1bs,X9E2gCsgd_Q,5DGcB7u2DxI,sV9CbKFmiKY,NaOge9TT1JA,DBUxj8G7OOQ,b8QpelhH0rQ,qEbCVTWPYmU,n9fcmDhcHxk,GNSN85YIX3M,xcc0V-W6L0I,gRUtvk6XGTY,SFx0MZBQfXA,zN3q8cF_5mo

1. The Senate - Original Sin
2. Virna Lindt - Swedish Modern
3. Virna Lindt - Beat the System
4. Bill Nelson - Hard Facts From the Fiction Department
5. The Residents - It's a Man's Man's Man's World
6. The Wolfgang Press - Respect
7. Bill Nelson - Acceleration
8. The Cult - Go West
9. Carlos Person - Komtur
10. General Public - Tenderness
11. The Beauty Contest - City Lights
12. Psychic TV - Just Drifting (& Midnight Version)
13. Psychic TV - Godstar

Unknown songs: NIL

Songs from 1984-09-14 on Tapes

1. The Cult - Go West
   • Appears on tape: N10 A
2. General Public - Tenderness
   • Appears on tapes: N10 A, N15 A
3. The Beauty Contest - City Lights
   • Appears on tape: N10 A
4. The Wolfgang Press - Respect
   • Appears on tape: N10 A

Songs Played on 1984-09-21

YouTube playlist for this date: https://www.youtube.com/watch_videos?video_ids=4bbJDFxUAu8,iOd1lu_lo18,-v_iYGnUeRw,_3OhiFdB4lA,vQQ2YSuVGS4,Q9FoOTwuSKQ,Q9FoOTwuSKQ,guR_miTjiyM,vQQ2YSuVGS4,jirphzoneSs,xcc0V-W6L0I,gL8WdjkPhdM

1. The Fleshtones - American Beat '84
2. The Bangles - Dover Beach
3. Flesh For Lulu - Restless
4. The Damned - Thanks For the Night
5. The Painless Dirties - Modern Love
6. Twist Noir - The Same
7. Twist Noir - Loving a Bitch
8. Asmodi Bizarr - Loup Garou
9. The Painless Dirties - She Loves Me Forever
10. Orange Juice - Bridge
11. Akabu - Watch Yourself
12. Heaven 17 - And That's No Lie

Unknown songs:

• The Painless Dirties - Modern Love
• Twist Noir - Loving a Bitch
• Asmodi Bizarr - Loup Garou
• The Painless Dirties - She Loves Me Forever

Songs from 1984-09-21 on Tapes

1. Flesh For Lulu - Restless
   • Appears on tapes: N12 A, N17 B
2. The Painless Dirties - Modern Love
   • Appears on tape: N12 A
3. Orange Juice - Bridge
   • Appears on tape: N12 A
4. Heaven 17 - And That's No Lie
   • Appears on tape: N01 B

Songs Played on 1984-09-28

Playlist for this date: https://www.youtube.com/watch_videos?video_ids=CmZQj3CC-EM,5KRzzIdNrwA,vyUwAhiIeOs,OguHIyNNblM,6MLijS6Cstk,W05vlVc9I_c,myzNWd-Pp2g,lsudnQc0tTg,fV8lr7q1vHE,Gre3RwTjRho,A4aKy2JyIqs,xcc0V

1. Folk Devils - Art Ghetto
2. The Beauty Contest - The Beast
3. Me & The Heat - Old Cultures Dying
4. Anne Clark - Our Darkness
5. Joolz - War of Attrition
6. Everything But The Girl - Native Land
7. Death in June - She Said Destroy
8. Screaming Dead - Serenade of Suicide
9. Play Dead - No Motive
10. The Gun Club - Watermelon Man
11. The Gun Club - Eternally is Here
12. Akabu - Watch Yourself
13. The Cult - Go West
14. Portion Control - Refugee
15. Palais Schaumburg - Easy Go
16. Heaven 17 - Flamedown

Unknown songs: NIL

Songs from 1984-09-28 on Tapes

1. Everything But The Girl - Native Land
   • Appears on tape: BASF 03 B
2. Palais Schaumburg - Easy Go
   • Appears on tapes: BASF 03 B, N12 B, BASF 28 B
3. Death In June - She Said Destroy
   • Appears on tape: N01 A
4. The Gun Club - Watermelon Man
   • Appears on tape: N01 A
5. Screaming Dead - Serenade Of Suicide
   • Appears on tapes: BASF 03 B, N01 A

I feel like I might be neurodivergent. But I’m not sure. Or not sure what type.
Where are the best places to learn more? I’ve never truly explored this, but I actually think it’s a very fundamental aspect of many of the challenges I’ve faced in my life.
Here are a few examples. Please be kind, it takes courage to share, even if anonymously.

• I often don’t get jokes.
• I don’t like (get anxious with) small talk.
• I have never been able to read a novel, at least not with any kind of flow. I always get “stuck” when reading stories, and I often don’t know really what’s going on when watching TV shows based on stories. I have trouble making implicit connections in stories that are not explicitly stated. However, I’m a PhD and a Professor, and I read scientific articles frequently.
• I’m incredibly motivated and productive, but prefer to do work alone. Adding the social element causes anxiety because I’m just worrying about the small talk and then I can’t get anything done. I’ve had many colleagues ask to start an “accountability writing group,” where everyone gets onto a Zoom call and writes papers. I am the complete opposite. I’m a very productive writer on my own, but if I joined such a group I probably wouldn’t write much at all because I would be worried about the social interactions and even over-interpreting non-verbal behavior.
• Sometimes when people are talking, or when trying to read, I’m comprehending nothing. It’s like my brain is literally not processing any information. I’ve gotten better at this by training myself to focus very hard on active listening, but I do have the tendency to not process/ receive information.
• My memory is not the best. If you tell me 10 words and ask me to restate them, I might get 4.

Any thoughts? Thank you

I have been a lurker on this subreddit for the past two years, so I told myself that I would share how I did in this last round of applications, whatever the result was, in case it may be useful for someone in the future.
Long story short, I applied to Computer Science PhD programs at UofT, Berkeley, Edinburgh, Stanford, Caltech, UofW, McGill, UCSD, and Brown. I got rejected from all of them.
I am a Chilean with 4 years of experience as a Machine Learning Engineer (MLE), have published 2 papers in EMNLP, coauthored 2 patents in a Chilean AI company that later became a unicorn, and have the best recommendation letters I could ask for from my country. However, I have horrendous grades due to suffering from severe depression during the first half of my undergrad.
During the last four years, I have been contacted by several FAANG companies to join as a SWE or MLE, but I rejected most of them since I wanted to pursue a postgraduate degree and felt the positions offered didn’t align with this goal. I say most of them because last year I did try to get into Meta, got into the last round of interviews, but I finally backed off to apply to this round of PhDs.
I applied to these top PhD programs because they are the best in my field of interest, and if I am going to dedicate the next 4-6 years of my life to a program without earning money at my age, I want it to be one that I am genuinely passionate about. Given the job offers I've received from FAANG companies, it feels even more important to commit to a program that truly excites me.
So my situation is the following: I have a CV that allows me to get into a FAANG as an MLE, but it can't get me into a good PhD program, clearly because of my grades. I then have two options: either go back to school here in Chile to improve my grades or simply give up on my dreams of being a researcher—a dream I have been following the last five years—and pursue a career as an MLE in a FAANG.
Sadly, I decided to choose the latter. Going for a master's here would mean resigning from my current job and going back to live with my parents for 2 years, which, at my 30s, is intolerable. Joining a FAANG as a SWE or MLE is a safe bet, although I must admit that it does not motivate me at all, except for the pay and maybe the probably non-existent chance of transitioning from the inside into a research team.
So that’s it. I wish everyone here good luck in their applications, and thanks for maintaining this subreddit.

I'm currently going through a lot and feel as if my life will be turned upside down.
I'm currently a PhD (in Materials Science, focus in physics) student and I'm struggling to be able to pay for school. I'm depressed and tired of school. Don't get me wrong, I love my research. But being forced to pay for part of my program and to have to take standardized classes, especially at my level, feels dehumanizing. And the pay isn't well nor consistent enough. My next 2.5 payments wont be until July, lumped together due to paperwork, and so I'll be out a month or so without pay. I've considered leaving but finding another job outside of school has not been fruitful. This is the only reason I have stayed, as it is a secured job. Also because leaving, even for a semester, would cause my partial scholarship to be lost.
My lease will up in 2 months exactly, and it's hard to find and commit to a place when I am unsure of my financial situation. I may have to move back home, which I don't mind, but my parent's place is genuinely falling apart, without AC, and has bedbugs. If I do go, I'll power through, but the bedbugs makes me fearful, as I don't want my stuff infected, nor do I wish to spread them.
The one thing I was looking forward to was having more personal time (less class) during the summer. And so I had planned on seeing my family and gf, which reside in another city, more often. My family isn't in the best situation but seeing them cheers them and me up. I don't have a car so it's difficult going to my hometown, but I planned to take a train despite it's conflicting schedule. And now my gf, of 2.5 years, has told me she wants to talk about perhaps ending the relationship due to differing views on religion. I'm not entirely sure what to do as I feel morally conflicted by the statement.
The stress from school, my lack of motivation to continue school, my financial and lack-of-job situation, my relationship, and my self-confidence are all taking a hit now. All I'd like to do is just leave. Leave to anywhere else but where I am. Perhaps go see my gf. Perhaps escape it all. The world feels so large yet doesn't feel large enough to escape these feelings. Once my lease is up, if I can't find a good way to stay in my school town, I feel like I'll lose it all. Move back, drop out or pause school, lose my relationship. It all feels inevitable. And to top it all off, at the end of these 2 months lies my birthday. As I'm nearing 30 I just feel like a failure without many options, if at all. I'm sure I'll figure stuff perhaps in 2 months or adapt. But it makes me so depressed to be in this situation.
Whether or not someone responds, I just need to vent. I'm trying very hard to see all the positive points that may come from this, but in truth, it is hard. Thank you for reading at least.

Hi everyone, based on my research online I couldn’t find any famous mathematicians that took the AMC but never made AIME. Actually I haven’t located anyone that got a PhD in math, took the AMC but didn’t make AIME. I am using it as motivation for myself that I can still get a math PhD. Has anyone here done that or know of others who have?

Hi everyone,
I'm a 27M living in the UK, originally from Spain, and I could really use some career advice. I've been living in the UK for the last 4 years. Due to personal circumstances, I've been working since I was seventeen, mostly in low-wage jobs. In the UK, I've been working as a head chef.
I consider myself a "multipotentialite": I love learning across various topics, and I have a wide range of interests. I graduated with a 2:2 in Psychology in Spain and then switched to an MSc in AI in the UK, where I managed to achieve one of the top GPAs. While studying has always been my strength, I didn't find my undergraduate studies in Psychology particularly challenging, hence my lower grades.
I'm now looking to build a career in AI/Data Science as it seems both challenging and interesting. However, I'm feeling a bit lost about my next step. The one-year duration of my master's program has left me feeling underprepared to compete with computer science grads in the job market.
I’m considering three main options and would love to hear your thoughts:

1. PhD in AI & Psychology / Cognitive Science: My supervisors believe I have the potential for a PhD. I enjoyed my MSc dissertation and like conducting research. Plus, the stipend would be helpful.
2. 2nd Master's in AI: This could help solidify my knowledge and provide networking opportunities. I did well in my first MSc and could potentially get a scholarship to cover fees. However, I would probably need to keep working as a chef to cover my expenses.
3. Entering the workforce through an internship: I've been focusing on this since graduating, but I've only had a couple of interviews and no job offers yet. I'm wondering if my unconventional background is a barrier to landing a data-related role.

I feel highly motivated about my next move but can’t seem to find a clear path. I’m anxious about wasting my potential by staying in a job that’s no longer for me, even though it pays well. If I don’t take risks now, I worry I might get stuck in the kitchen for life (nothing wrong with this career, it's just not for me anymore).
Any advice or insights you can provide about my situation would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you!

I am a recent college grad. I started college pre-med but switched to business after my first year.
I made the switch because:

• I was honest with myself and am primarily motivated by money
• I caught a pretty severe cheating IA (dumb, I know)
• I am interested in business & markets

After 4 years I am fortunate to be starting a job in a niche, but lucrative industry where I expect to make ~120k my first year. This field is supposed to be chill and lower stress relative to things like investment banking, and over the next 3-5 years there is a clear path to making 200-300k, and potentially multiples of that if I enter an adjacent, riskier, high-er stress industry and am lucky.
Recently I have been a bit disillusioned with my career because:

• I have always been interested in biotech & life sciences, and working in this field almost always requires an MD or PhD
• I will likely always have to work ~60-70 hour weeks, maybe 50 if I stick with my "chill" field I'm in right now
• My compensation will always be tied to how well investments perform
• I will always have to live in a high cost of living city
• It is moving money around and not doing much for the world

Re: My first point, in my internships and stuff I have always gravitated towards researching the healthcare companies. My work has always involved "researching" prospective investments and I have always preferred to cover healthcare. I could of course cover something like healthcare IT or medical devices, but the cool biotech/pharma companies require an advanced degree to cover.
Motivations for applying to med:

• With a business background I think I could do quite well owning a clinic.
• Obviously money is my main priority but being in a high-impact job like that is great too, where you are literally saving lives.
• Even if I don't practice, can work in business in a niche I like (biotech)

Reasons not:

• I am a grinder but not super smart. So questionable if I could match into a specialty that would out-earn my current career.
• I don't know if I'm patient enough to not earn income for the next 4-10 years (school + residency)
• Looking at opportunity costs potentially in the millions if I forgo salary for that long, and take on debt

Stats/Background:
I have a ~3.5 GPA and am a URM.
I haven't taken or studied for the MCAT but I've been hitting 490s on practice tests by trying on CARS & psysoc and then randomly guessing on chem & bio. I know 490 is awful but I think I could get an ok score if I studied. I'd have to do a post bac because my degree is in business. My IA goes away in 3 years because those records are cleared after a set of time by the university (not sure how disclosure would work).
Honestly just looking for advice and to see if I sound stupid.

Do you spend a lot of your time day dreaming what life would be like with your perfect match? Would that life consist of lots of quality time spent together, shared hobbies, travelling together, supporting each other and sharing not just the good times? Are your passions a weird conglomerate of sciency and artsy topics? We might just be a match. No, this is not an infomercial.
What makes finding my match somewhat difficult i,0s that my personality is all over the place, I can't really be put into a box and I dream of finding someone I'm deeply compatible with. I have a PhD in physics/math and work in a related field, involving IT and programming. My take on life is rather critical, rational and I'm not religious. BUT I'm also very by morals, emotional in certain aspects and my biggest aspiration in life is having a happy, fulfilling relationship where we are inseparable, each others best friend and more. A soulmate sorta thing if you wish, even though souls obviously don't exist...right?
Soo what are my passions that we could hopefully share together? I have to get the cliché out of the way first, I'm really big on films/tv shows/video games/manga and some books. It's not just something I consume to overcome boredom though, I'm extremely interested in stories and the art of story telling. My tastes are varied and something that would be fun to discuss, some of the things I like:
* weird, obscure horror movies that sometimes make me wonder if anyone else on the planet has ever seen them (spoiler: yes they have). Also horror movies in general.
* "artsy, deeper" movies without bordering into pretentiousness, a line that is entirely subjective but I shall still defend as if an objective truth. Kubrick I really like, also Disney.
* big sucker for romantic comedies and enjoy some goofy comedies as well.
* mostly story driven, single player games, Life is Strange would be an example of a game that had a deeper impact on me, wowser.
* would enjoy getting into multiplayer games together, I consider it a fantastic way to bond. Mario Kart (GoldenEye?) should be obligatory for a couple, friendly trash talking included (or not so friendly, if you're into that). LoL? Yes please (even though I hate it)
* I already feel like it's getting too long (that's what she said) but I enjoy the Harry Potter books and don't like when people call them children's books. They contain more wisdom about life than most literature classics.
The point being, talking about stories, analysing movies together or writing our own video game plot (don't worry I already have an amazing idea, but not so good at writing dialogue)/short stories is a big thing I'd like to share in a relationship.
Still with me? Some other things I enjoy:
* music, especially older stuff rock, pop, some metal, classical and soundtracks!
* photography, especially nature & architecture. Going on a hike or exploring nature with the intent of taking pictures gives you a whole new outlook on things.
* running, that would be a really fun activity to share together as well.
* cooking and every now and then baking. Let me cook a romantic dinner for you?
* travelling! I've somewhat dipped my toe into the digital nomad thing in the last year and loved it. Exploring a new city/country is super exciting to me. My style of travelling is definitely more adventurous. I like being out and about all day and see as much as I can in the time I'm there, doing a moderate but not too crazy amount of research beforehand about attractions. I like a certain degree of spontaneity and some days where we would just walk wherever the wind carries us. Long... really long walks on the beach are the best, especially at night. That being said, I also enjoy a day laying at the beach, café hopping, exploring restaurants or a mall haha. My favourite place so far has been Japan for sure (not a weeb I swear)(lot's of malls here!). If you're a solo traveller let me know. If you're younger or haven't travelled so much, this is not a deal breaker. As long as you're curious and open minded with a sense for adventure.
Phew ok, not done yet. I need to say something about the type of romantic connection I'm desiring as it's somewhat off the norm. I want to spend a lot of time with my partner. A lot. That doesn't even mean constantly engaging with each other, but just being around each other, checking in on each other, leaving little notes, generally what they would call being clingy. Maintaining a happy relationship should be the number 1 priority in your life, as it would be for me. I would never neglect you in favour of other people or obligations and expect the same in return. Location wise would be great if you're in Germany of course, but really doesn't matter that much to me. This would just be an awesome motivation for me to travel somewhere and as I'm very flexible in my day to day life, I would make a visit happen sooner than later.
Appearance wise, 183 cm, caucasian, slimish/fitish/averageish build, short dark brown hair and eyes. Finally, I'll finish off with an arbitrary list of traits that describe me and I'm simultaneously seeking out in a woman: sense of humour (did that come across...like, at all? Writing this post I felt like it was all rather serious at times, because I take this seriously, but my style of communication is more light hearted, being silly together, not taking everything too seriously, but being able to talk maturely should the situation require), responsible, curious, reliable, trustworthy, loyal, honest to a fault, dedicated, creative, self-aware, honest again because it's important, thoughtful, caring, kind but not a pushover, enjoys arguing/debating, romantic, sweet. If you have a (very?) k1nky side that would be the cherry on top, but it's not a must and all in due time.
Have a virtual cookie for making it this far. Now don't be shy and send me a PM already, telling me what's on your mind. If you send a chat and I don't reply, send a little PM as a follow up in case the chat didn't work.

I applied for a position in mid-April and had an interview the first week of May. I know the interview went pretty awfully as the interviewer was quite expressive in her facial expressions --- showing me her displeasures and disapprovals for what I said throughout the interview. An example of a negative facial expression was when I explained why I wanted to go to the country I applied for. I explained why (which had been explained in the motivation statement as well). I also mentioned that I looked up the International Civil Service Commission's Duty Station ranking regularly and I don't want to go to duty stations ranked D or E. I suppose she interpreted it as if I were looking for only posh assignment without knowing what D/E ranking means --- places like Somalia, South Sudan, Haiti, where aid workers have to live in a compound and have to be escorted by armed guards to go to the market for grocery shopping.
Before this, I had thought I would be a shoe-in for the position; PhD in a related field, 12 years of college-level teaching experience, lived and worked in the Philippines and Nepal, and studied Spanish in Mexico and Nicaragua.
I suppose the interviewer didn't like me because I was not sufficiently enthusiastic for the Peace Corps. At my age (65) and with experience in development aid work, I didn't want to appear naive showing some unrealistic expecations for the Peace Corps or uttering some idiocity like going to a middle-income country to "help the poor and solve their problems." I also challenged her and the Peace Corps to demonstrate that I'd done the homework. She became increasingly dismissive to my questions towards the end of the interview.
I had hoped that I'd get an invitation soon after the interview as some people post here receiving their invites within hours to days of the interview. Almost a month has passed, and I think I'd be rejected because she dislked what I said.
Then out of the blue, I received follow-up questions a couple of days ago by an email --- the same questions like "tell me your experience of adjusting to another culture, how are you going to adapt and integrate into the local community," that we covered during the interview. I'm a naturalized citizen and have adapted to the US culture over the last 40 years and she is still not convinced that I'm a good fit (which is an insidious code word for "recruiting someone like us"). I was a member of the D&I council at my workplace and successfully campaigned against the use of the word "a good fit" in recruitment. Now at my workplace, hiring managers cannot use the word "fit" and have to explain more specifically why they are not hiring a particular canddidate.
At the end of the email, she even offered me to withdraw my application on my behalf if I am no longer interested. If I really wanted to withdraw it, I could do it myself on the application portal. Why would she offer to withdraw on my behalf? In my native culture, this email would mean "Withdraw already!" so this looks really bad.
Anyway, here are my quesitons:

1. Is it normal to receive follow-up questions, similar to the ones you've already answered?
2. How does the process work after the interview? Is it one person's decision or is it a committee's decision?
3. Related to #2, how much weight does the sole interviewr's opinion carry?
4. Has anyone received an email from an recruiter offering you to withdraw your application?
5. Would we receive a rejection before the apply-by date or well before the know-by date? (most rejections seem to be sent out on or around the know-by date.)

Question #2 is related to my suspicion of what happened; they had a meeting among recruiters to evaluate candidates who had been interviewed in this month. My interviewer recommended to reject me, and others said "wait a second. Look at his resume. What makes you think that he cannot adjust to a different culture?" Ergo, she had to get back to me to ask me how I'd be able to adjust to a new culture.
I appreciate your feedback.

Disclaimer: it's not a venting post, I'm not looking for advice, there will be no TLDR at the end. I just want to put my story in writing for a reason I will explain later. Some details are graphic, so discretion is advised. Imagine that all TWs are in place.
As always, childhood is a right place to start. I was born into a very broken and dysfunctional family. My father married my mother only because everyone else was getting married and he was just doing the same without any understanding why he's doing it and what it takes to be a husband and a father. My mother always wanted to have a family and a lot of kids, but was still single at the age of 27 and was gradually growing desperate and thought that marrying this man was her last and only option to succeed in life as a woman. As I learned much much later they both came from their own broken families carrying a lot of unprocessed trauma, but both were pretending to be perfectly OK. Reality shattered my father's facade instantly. He turned out to be an extremely insecure and immature person. Always afraid of doing anything, unable to take responsibility for his actions, admit his mistakes. In addition he started to exhibit acute narcissistic traits - gaslighting, verbal abuse, jealousy, paranoia etc. But by that time my mother was pregnant with my sister and didn't want to go back to her parents house and in general divorce in the USSR was a huge stigma for women and she always worried about what other people would think about her in any situation. So she decided to stay in vain hope that he will change over time. Spoiler - that didn't happen. 5 years later I was born.
My upbringing was a set of dramatic contrasts. Mother was always overprotective, keeping me from doing anything by myself, always making decisions for me and expressing discontent each time I tried to do something my own way. She wanted me to be her "perfect mama's boy" she could use as a living sign that she is a good mother others can see. It all resulted in me being unable to make decisions on my own when I got older and also trying to protect my mother each time father started the argument with her over some nonsense. Father on the other hand completely withdrew himself from parenting. He didn't know a thing about it and didn't want to learn to avoid mistakes and embarrassment. He said once that his role is making money and he doesn't have time to be with his kids at all. When I was around the age of 6, he developed a habit of beating me and my sister when he was angry or dissatisfied with us for no apparent reason. He just wanted to make us obey his words with no questions asked just because he was older and thus smarter and wiser and just superior in any way imaginable. And the only way to enforce it was through brute force. Many years later my mother said to me that each time she was standing between her kids and her husband protecting us with her own body, but I still remember being beaten multiple times. She was not very successful in her mission to keep her kids safe. When I grew older and became higher than my father, he switched from physical abuse to verbal abuse. Insults, unfounded accusations of anything that was going wrong in the house, denying my successes in the school, you name it. I can only remember three times in my entire life when he said something good about what I did.
Another thing that didn't help me in my teen years was the complete absence of sexual education. None. Zero. Everything about sex and related topics was taboo. Each time I had a question like "What's Kamasutra?" or "What do prostitutes do?" I was either ignored or shut down with words "you are too young to know, wait until you're older". One particular tactic my mother used several times is to redirect the question to my father and thus force him to speak about things he didn't know how to speak about with kids. He usually took a pause long enough to make the situation even more uncomfortable and then said something vague and nonspecific without even looking at me. Peak moment of his inability to communicate was a time when he finally decided to explain to me "where kids are coming from". I don't want to describe it in full form, I'll just say that he used horses as a metaphor. Yeeeeeaah.... I was 14 years old tops, I didn't fully understand what he was saying and why he chose that particular day, everything was so uncalled for and higgledy-piggledy that I forgot about that conversation 5 minutes later and went on my own business like any other kid in that age. But he checked a box in the list of things that father has to do and decided that his business being a father figure is done. Mother knew somehow that he failed miserably, but in her eyes it was not a mother's job to talk with a boy about sex and stuff. They both just pretended that I know what I need to know.
By the age of 17 conflicts with my father became so intense and frequent that one day I just stopped talking to him. That was the only way I knew how to deal with such a situation 'cause parents used it all the time - 10 minutes of yelling at each other and then 2 or 3 days of silence. But this time it didn't end a couple of days later. We still don't talk to each other to this day. Several times he tried to use my mother so she could talk to me and persuade me to change my mind and start talking to him again. Each time she declined, but told me about his request anyway. This was her way to influence me to do the same, but through her own means, as I was highly susceptible to her words. Thankfully, I hold my ground. Years later, when I learned what narcissism and narcissistic traits are, I realized that going no contact with him was one of the best decisions in my life. I save a lot of time and nerves by just ignoring him.
In 2008, I graduated from school and went to the university which was chosen for me by my mother. At this time I started to have problems finding friends, communicating with peers, being among a lot of people in a noisy environment. All I was doing was going to classes, studying, going home, studying more. No personal life, no urge to live like my peers and engage in relationships with women. Living in a safe mode, I was denying myself the most basic things like leisure time and outdoor activities. I was set on a course to become a scientist in my field without knowing whether I even want it or not. It just seemed like a logical path to take.
In my third year at university I got into the only relationship I ever had by what can be described only as a stupid accident, but on closer inspection everything makes perfect sense.. One girl in my group I occasionally chatted with from time to time had a secret crush on me for nearly a year(!) before she decided to come forward and express her feelings to me which I was completely oblivious of. But it was not "hey, I like you, want to go on a date with me?". Nooooo. It was full blown cliché from romantic movies. She just said to me: "I love you". And then stared at me for an uncomfortably long period of time waiting for a response while my Brain.exe stopped working and I had no idea what to do in a situation like this. Eventually I zoned out, made some excuses and physically removed myself from the premises. Two days later she approached me again and this time there was nowhere to go. That day "mama's good boy" took over and I caved in saying that I love her too and want to be with her. My immature brain couldn't imagine the situation where I would reject her advances just because she would get upset and even cry a river in front of me, I just felt fully responsible for her emotions. BOOM! Perfect storm in a bottle. WCGW?
The next 58 days were the worst 58 days in my life until much later. Witty and cute girl I thought I knew turned into a completely different person one week later. When the first adrenaline rush calmed down she started to show a side of her personality I was unaware of before. She always wanted to spend all of her free time with me ignoring my time schedule. Almost every week she occasionally threw accusations like "You don't love me" or "You are thinking about other girls”. One day another girl from our university group came to me between classes and asked me to explain some things she didn't understand at the last lecture. The rest of that day I've been listening to my now GF saying that I should dump her and start dating that other girl because she's a better fit for me. General dynamic of this relationship was that she's accusing me of something or complaining or suspecting me of cheating and I'm going out of my way to disprove that nonsense and make things right.
But one day I realized that is too much for me. It was during one of the phone calls with her when we were fighting over something again and I said: "I don't think we should stay together". She burst into tears and hung up. Next day we were avoiding each other like we were strangers. It helped that summer break was just a couple of weeks away. We never spoke about how our relationship ended, there was no closure. We've been avoiding each other for the rest of the time in university. Needless to say that this experience was highly traumatic and killed my will to pursue romantic relationships in the future. I didn't have sex with that girl, remained virgin and eventually cemented myself in this state. I even constructed a lie in my head that I'm asexual just to ease the pressure on myself and make myself less "wrong" and "broken" in my own eyes. You can't stress about the absence of sex if you are asexual, right? Spoiler - no.
After university I got into a PhD program at the research institute. There I had an opportunity to work on interesting problems in my field which was meteorology and climatology. As the salary was basically the lowest granted by the law, I wasn't able to afford to live on my own and continued to live at my parents house. They were not happy, but never sad to me that I have to get my sh1t together and move out. On the contrary - mother was actively encouraging me to finish my PhD and not to worry about rent because she thought it's her mission to make my dreams come true. Although, it was not my dream per se, it was her dream about my life I accepted as my own.
The next three years I spent working on my PhD were uneventful. I was living a boring life - go to work, do your job, go home, do even more work at home, sleep, repeat. No friends, no dates, no vacations for myself, no traveling, just moving myself between two places like a robot. At some point I've been told that I'm too young to get my PhD approved right away, I need to wait another couple of years and pay a hefty price to make it happen. That was a final straw and I snapped. I quit on the spot and said "F you, science" and two weeks later landed a job in the IT industry as I got into software engineering while working on a PhD.
I've spent three years there, learned a lot from people around me and made a boatload of money I couldn't even spend fast enough as I was not accustomed to lavish lifestyles and high spendings. But even with a rock solid financial security I didn't move out of my parents house. Something was holding me back, like I was on a leash. I lost this job in June of 2021 due to corporate restructuring, but was not worried, I knew I could find another job in a matter of weeks. But first I gave myself a month to rest. Three months later I was still saying to myself that I'm resting. I suddenly got stuck and wasn't able to do anything. Days were passing by and I was just spending my time in front of the computer playing video games and watching YT.
In part it was caused by a severe skin condition I developed shortly before I lost that job. Big red spots all over my head, skin irritation, itching, excessive skin exfoliation, extremely dry skin. I also entered the last phase of bolding. All of those combined affected my face and the way I look in general. I was also tall and skinny, my weight was only 57 kilograms since I turned 20, so developing body dysmorphia was just a matter of time and it finally happened. First, I became afraid of mirrors. I stopped washing my face with cold water every evening 'cause it involved staying in front of the mirror. It didn't help 'cause now skin was dehydrated even more. Next, I convinced myself that if I go outside with those red spots all over my face, people will point fingers at me and laugh. So I literally imprisoned myself in my room and only went out with a hat and sunglasses on or late at night when it's dark and not many people on the streets.
I tried to find out the cause of this skin condition though. I've been to 5 different dermatologists, I got 4 different diagnoses, treatments I was prescribed with were purely cosmetic and doctors were unwilling to find the cause of this illness saying that I'm fine with just putting a few pounds of cream on my face twice a day. At some point I just threw a white towel and gave up completely. I retreated into my room and fell into a deep deep depression.
Eating disorder, troubles sleeping, troubles getting up in the morning, lack of motivation, no interest in doing anything I loved before, self-neglect, feeling dead inside, feeling of being broken, unlovable and undesirable, self harm in a form of hair picking, two episodes of suicidal thoughts, outbursts of anger when no one is around, endless inner dialogue with myself. I lost 5 kilograms of weight on top of being underweight before. I was like a shadow, a husk. Pale, frail, weak, looking very unhealthy. Later down the line I developed porn addiction. In some crooked way it was the only thing that was able to shake me up for a bit, make me feel a little bit less dead, provoke some physiological reaction. But only for a while. After comes shame and guilt. I felt like a filthy animal, battering myself for such an immoral behavior.
It lasted for almost two years. All this time my parents were pretending that there is nothing wrong about that. My mother was especially into this, not even once she asked me what's going on, why I stay at home all the time doing nothing. Like this is how it was supposed to be from the beginning.
Somewhere in the middle of this my brain decided to make me a present in the form of unpacked memories from almost 15 years ago. One day I was just staring at the screen of my computer when I remembered that when I was a teenager, like 15 or 16 years old, I was SA’d in a tightly packed subway train by an old man. My brain spared me that day and completely shut off those memories as I don’t remember losing sleep or experiencing panic attacks over it. And I can’t say that this revelation in the midst of a severe depression affected me in any significant way. I know that kids and teenagers who were SA’d can experience troubles in the intimacy department, but by the time I got those memories unlocked my loneliness and celibacy were deeply rooted in me to cause any distress.
I have no idea how I snapped out of it. Depression was a series of ups and downs, when today you feel really good and think you are able to turn mountains upside down and then back to the deepest void imaginable a few days later. That was just one of those cycles when I somehow managed to grab that positive phase and stay on it. I wasn't able to determine one single reason why, so it should be a combination of factors that are not very significant by themselves, but combined together and eventually saved me. It was at the end of the autumn 2023. I started to fix my biggest issues like daily routine, sleeping habits, exercising. Quit watching porn and stayed clean until April when I relapsed. I delved deeper into psychology, found several content creators on YT, including Dr.K and started to unpack my whole life starting from childhood and it all started to make sense. The way my family "worked", all the abuse I endured, every traumatic experience that went without reflection - everything played a part in how my life went and how I ended up in depression. I felt a lot of anger at first 'cause it was convenient to blame my parents for everything. They ARE to blame, but it was Dr.K's video where he talked about calling out your parents for their mistakes that convinced me that I'm barking at the closed gates. I let it go and I don't think that I'll ever have a conversation with my mother about what happened to me. My father's dead to me even more now that he was prior to that. I'm going to get a restraining order on him one day for sure.
So I spent the last winter working on myself and made good progress, but I understood that it's not enough. So in March 2024 I got into therapy. As I was still having trouble falling asleep I was prescribed antidepressants and now I sleep much better. My therapist helped me a lot, but as she said to me "it's rare to see a patient who comes in with half of the work already done". I should've sought therapy much much earlier, but it is what it is.
So where am I now?
33M, turning 34 in August. Virgin. Bold. Underweight, but somehow jacked. 3 years long gap in the resume. No social connections. Rusty social skills if any. Health is damaged by malnutrition, skin is 10 years older than it should be. Some amount of social anxiety is still there. Porn addiction is still an issue and needs to be addressed with another therapist. Two months ago I was diagnosed with parathyroid adenoma, no way to tell how it's going to turn out right now. Not sure what I really want to do with my life, but I want to try to get back into IT after a crash course of catching up with new stuff. Chances are small, but I will try anyway.I'm out of the woods with the worst stuff, but it's not over yet. I don't have high hopes about getting into a relationship with a woman of my age one day and losing my virginity, but at least I'm not afraid of comprehending the idea.
No matter what's ahead, I'm sure I can take it. I think I'm ready to finally begin living my own life.
Thanks for reading this long post to the end. I hope that my story can be used as a piece of evidence that despite how bad everything is, how dark the sky is, there is also hope and light at the end of the tunnel.

Hi everyone,
I really need some career advice and hope to gain some insights from our group.
A bit about me:
I'm almost 30 years old and from Southeast Asia. I have a Master's degree in Human Resources, which I obtained in Lithuania in 2023. I have over 6 years of experience in Talent Acquisition. Since June 2023, I’ve been struggling to find any job in Lithuania. Despite applying for various roles, I’ve faced rejections mainly due to not knowing the native language or being considered overqualified. As a result, I returned to my home country to seek employment but have faced similar challenges here as well.
During my time of unemployment, I’ve tried to enhance my skills by obtaining certifications such as: Google Data Analytics Advanced, Google Project Management, HRCI certification, some courses in Machine Learning, and Harvard CS50. My Bachelor's degree is in IT, so I’ve also been trying to leverage that background.
Currently, I'm applying for PhD programs in Europe because my academic grades are really good, as well as continuing to apply for a jobs in my country and Europe. However, I’ve already faced a rejection or silent response from employers. I am anxiously waiting for the results from some universities in Finland.
The constant rejections are really eroding my motivation. I feel stuck, unsure about what to do next, and terrible about myself.
My questions are:
How can I improve my chances of finding a job? Should I continue pursuing further education like a PhD, or should I focus on gaining more practical experience? Are there any other certifications or skills I should acquire to make myself more marketable? Any other advice or personal experiences that could help me regain my motivation and navigate this challenging period?
Thanks in advance for any advice or insights you can provide. I really appreciate it!

Hello all,
I am an undergraduate just finishing up my sophomore year. My major is in biotechnology, and my ultimate goal is to do my PhD in biochemistry. I already have my foot in the door from doing research internships at my university, and I have made connections with important people in the area of research I am interested in. However, my concern lies with my undergrad degree path. Do not get me wrong, the biotech degree program is great. It is very small (only about 10 people per graduating class) and the program directors are very active in ensuring that students are ready for industry and/or higher education. There is a ton of implemented student-led undergraduate research, and the classes are tailor-made to instill problem-solving skills and scientific literacy. The only problem is that it lacks some of the higher-level chemistry classes that are available in the biochemistry program. For example, they do not have analytical chemistry, physical chemistry, or organic II as a part of their curriculum. And for reasons too complicated to explain here, I wouldn't be able to take those classes in my undergraduate studies (except perhaps organic II). I was wondering if anyone had any advice on this issue. I talked to several trusted individuals but I have yet to receive a straight answer. I am a very self-motivated individual, and I have been encouraged to simply look into those topics on my own, but I worry that not having a class setting or lab to learn in would make it less effective.

Please share you story, successes, difficulties!!!
Motivate me or talk me out of it 😅
My undergrad is comp sci/business. I've worked as an IT user support specialist at a state University for 6 years. I want to pursue a master's in psychology with the intent of getting a PhD to work for a university and do research.

Please share you story, successes, difficulties!!!
Motivate me or talk me out of it 😅
My undergrad is comp sci/business. I've worked as an IT user support specialist at a state University for 6 years. I want to pursue a master's in psychology with the intent of getting a PhD to work for a university and do research.

I have two job offers. Fresh PhD grad fyi
One at a global semiconductor company with a cutting edge tech but here I have no work life balance/it would be very hard to leave this industry. Pay is okay with a very very slim chance of making really good money after working there for 15+ years. Plus it is not US based.
Another offer is at a small company but it has a great work life balance. It is in US but the industry it is involved with is in an industry I dont consider myself working for that long. But here if I work hard outside of my work, I could probably land a job somewhere since US is pretty flexible to hiring people even with a slight mismatch.
My concern is that I am generally not the most motivated person especially when my daily work is unmotivating/not moving towards a long term goal. So if I go take this offer from a small company, I am afraid I'm just gonna waste my time there without working hard to get out and be very mediocre in my career.
I do believe I will be motivated and I could excel at the global firm because the job/industry is something I could envision myself working long term. But I am afraid of the inflexible nature of the job. Their work life abalance /culture is mediocre at best. I dont want to be stuck if I go there and hate it. I have lived in US for so long and may not fit in their work culture. I wouldn't be able to or it would be very hard to come back to US if I don't like working there... what should I do?

Hey all,
I'm looking for feedback on my test preparation strategy. I received a 148 on GREQ (5/6 arithmetic, 0/9 algebra, 2/6 geometry, and 7/9 data analysis) on the GRE when I took the test cold, 164V and 5.5 AWA. These results track in light of my background, as I haven't ever taken an algebra or geometry course (not even in high school or college) and I'm learning many of these concepts for the first time. I am taking the test in late July, but might push it back if necessary. I'm intrinsically interested in the topics, so this process has been enjoyable and relatively painless so far.
Here is my strategy:
Stage 1: Learning topics (should be finished or near completion by mid June)

• Using GRE math review and ETS Khan Academy webpage to map lessons with test concepts.
• Professor Leonard TTP math (great teacher if you're broaching these topics for the first time) and Khan Academy videos on test topics.
  • Note: I don't passively watch these videos. I attempt the problems first and take notes of any mistakes, reviewing as necessary. I'm focused on learning the "why" behind these concepts.
• Khan Academy practice questions, taking note of mistakes.
• Review videos to fill in learning gaps.
• Once I've broached every topic in Algebra or Geometry, move to stage two. I'll likely go through data analysis and arithmetic as well to strengthen foundational concepts, but it will probably be less time consuming given my strengths in these areas.

Stage 2: Test strategy

• GregMat videos for test strategy.
• 5lb book of GRE practice problems, noting mistakes and reviewing concepts as necessary.
• GregMat mini-exams, full-length practice exams and quizzes for GRE-style questions.
  • Also reviewing missed questions and the solution, noting areas of weakness.
• GregMat Vocab mountain, noting unknown words in Obsidian and reviewing as necessary. Given my baseline score, this is probably all the verbal preparation that I need.

This may seem like a time consuming process, but I'm doing a 20-hour a week internship and I'm not taking any courses over the summer, so I have plenty of free time. I'm allocating approximately 22 hours a week to GRE prep.
My philosophy is that if I am intrinsically motivated and engage deeply with the material, the extrinsic result (a good GRE score) will naturally follow. I am applying for Political Science PhD programs, so a 160Q+ is the minimum and 163Q+ is preferable.
I appreciate any feedback you all can provide. Is there anything that I've missed in my assessment? Is this a sound strategy?

I just finished up my first year of a STEM PhD.
My project doesn't interest me, I'm tired beyond belief and when I try to take some time off I get more to do put onto my plate. I got wrapped up in another group's project and it's requiring two weeks of travel, which I really, really do not want to do. On top of that I need to collaborate with my labmates to run the experiments my advisor is interested in.
I am completely alienated from my work and when I reflect on the last year, the best parts of my year were when I decided to not work for a week or two at a time. When I go into the office I daydream of doing literally anything else, an office job! A field job! Just anything but this godforsaken slog. My friend offered to get me a job as a bike mechanic and it comes with full health insurance. I don't understand the point of anything I'm doing, I don't think I'm developing any more than I would otherwise, and I feel my youth slipping away.
I don't give a shit about presenting at conferences, talking about some abstract idea, and reading about the field I'm in. I chose my program because it was more applied than what I studied in undergrad, but I really struggle to find the motivation to do anything related to it. Even if it's a safe career I am so miserable I can't see myself working in it.
When I think about what I want out of life, my values don't even align with a PhD. I am not career focused, I don't care about changing the world or contributing to knowledge or any other lofty ideal. At the end of the day I want to do something tangible and not feel this pit in my gut. I've had a wide variety of jobs from service industry and conservation and field technician work and nothing ever made me hate my life the way my PhD does.
Is this just part of it? Do people seriously feel this horrible about their PhD? I'm talking to my advisor about this tomorrow and trying to figure out some sort of plan, whether I get a MS and leave or just dropping out. I'm seriously struggling but the alternative of just scrambling to pay bills for a while seems like such a relief compared to what I'm experiencing now.

Should I quit my PhD if my research interests have changed?
Hello. I'm currently a first year PhD student at a top 10 UK university doing biomaterials, it's a fully funded and very competitive programme. I've recently realised that the sector I really want to go in is biomedical applications/human radiation protection in space, I even secured an machine learning for radiation risks internship with NASA for a few months. However, I realise that my PhD is not exactly relevant to that and it made me lose all motivation. I now see it would have much more benefited me to do a PhD with a significant data science component instead of wet lab. I've tried to make my project more applicable by focusing on stabilising growth factors that can act as radipototectants or help tissue regrow after radiation damage, but I don't know if it's enough. Should I abandon my PhD and start from scratch entirely looking for a more relevant project or is there a way I can still make my current experience relevant? I have MSc in Radiation Biology and Physics.

Back in August 1998, before Google existed and Gmail, I was working on one of my many failed projects, a "lifestyle" internet magazine in the style of Wired but in the UK. I was 18 at the time, and the cover story was "Winners of the Internet Lottery"--the idea was to interview successful internet entrepreneurs. I think it shows how different the world was then: that an 18 year old living in a rural town in the UK could email the PR lady of a Silicon Valley company from his bedroom and get a telephone interview with the founder the next day (obviously I never told them I was 18 and I was sweating and shaking all night at the prospect of talking to him!).
The magazine was never published and I never even put the interview online, so this is a very old exclusive to Entrepreneur
I have another unpublished interview with Tony Hsieh (who went on to found Zappos) from 1998 from his first business LinkExchange if anyone would like to see (that I also did from my bedroom!).
I've scanned the original here (hope this is allowed as the text article is below but I thought it would be nice to show the original magazine layout): https://imgur.com/gallery/retro-90s-interview-with-entrepreneur-sabeer-bhatia-hotmail-co-founder-oZXevIK
FOUNDED: December 1995 LAUNCHED: July 1996 FOUNDERS: Sabeer Bhatia (29), Jack Smith (29) FORMER LIVES: Students at Stanford University and hardware engineers at Firepower Systems EMPLOYEES: 140 HQ: Sunnyvale, California, USA USERS: Over 23 million subscribers AIM: To provide everyone with a free e-mail account which they can access from anywhere in the world using the web, giving them freedom and independence from their computer INITIAL FUNDING: $300,000 from Draper Fisher Juverston

The past two years have been dizzying for SABEER BHATIA. He has gone through the kind of life-changing transition most of us could only dream of, and it's all happened in the blink of an eye. This softly-spoken but charismatic and passionate Indian native is the 29-year old founder and CEO of Hotmail—the company that invented web-based e-mail, and the same company that one venture capitalist said would never be able to get 50,000 subscribers.

"He said 'If you can get 50,000 subscribers on your site then you'll have achieved a lot, you'll have a successful product,' and now we've got 23 million, and we're growing at 125,000 a day. And he didn't fund us because he didn't believe that we could get even 50,000 subscribers," says Sabeer smugly during the interview from his Sunnyvale offices in California.
Sabeer's story has all the ingredients you would expect from a typical Silicon Valley web dream. But he is quick to point out that, unlike many of the web legends whose empires were accidental creations, he had to work for his.
"Our story is different from some of the other web entrepreneurs," he tells me. "Many of them stumbled upon their idea by doing something at school, doing something for fun... whereas we really had to work for it... we thought about it, we planned it. Venture capitalists didn't come knocking on our door, we had to go and knock on theirs."
It all started whilst he was working at a relatively unknown company called Firepower Systems. Along with his colleague and friend Jack Smith, he had started a company with the original intention of developing software which would allow users to publish the contents of a database on the web. Because the pair were putting together their company whilst still in full-time employment, they grabbed every chance they could to work on it, and that meant writing e-mails whilst they were at work.
Except there was a problem. Firepower Systems, in all their wisdom, had installed a piece of firewall software around their intranets which made it impossible for Sabeer and Jack to access their personal e-mail accounts from work. For obvious reasons, they didn't want to use company e-mail accounts for non-company communications, "and that's when it occurred to us, 'What if we could access our e-mail through the web?'" explains Sabeer. It was the Eureka! moment that was to change their entire lives.
So with a winning new idea for their company, off they went, business plans in hand, to sell their souls to anyone who had some cash to give them.
"We were fortunate enough to have already developed some contacts in the venture capital community because of the web database we had already been working on—we had developed a prototype of that," says Sabeer.
But getting backing was still no easy feat. They had no management experience, no product, no revenues. The only thing they had was an idea.
"Most of the venture capitalists we saw were very sceptical because they didn't want to invest in such an early stage company because we were just two guys with an idea... and that was it!" he remembers.
"It wasn't at all easy. Now that I'm on the other side it seems so simple, I know exactly who to go to. But back then I probably knocked on about twenty doors before people were ready to fund us—primarily because I was looking for money in the wrong places. I had some friends who introduced me to their friends who claimed to be VCs, but most of these people were pretty low-tack. They had funded small businesses like grocery stores!" he laughs.
And grocery stores weren't quite in the same league as Hotmail. But the pair failed to be disheartened.
"When I went to our VC firm, Draper Fisher [who eventually backed them], I pitched our original web database idea to them. I knew that the killer idea was this e-mail application, but in order to get comfortable with the VCs, in order to get my foot in the door, I gave them a business plan for the web database—because I already had at least a prototype to show them, which was more than we had for the e-mail application."
Draper Fisher listened, but turned them down. There were already lots of companies producing web-based database software, and they wanted something more innovative.
"So then I said... actually it was very dramatic in this one meeting... I said 'I have this idea that I think is going to change the world—it's going to revolutionise communication—but I can't really tell you what it is because I want you to sign a non-disclosure.'"
He soon found out that venture capitalists and non-disclosures don't mix.
"They immediately said it was not their policy to sign non-disclosures," he says.
This concerned him because Draper Fisher had already funded twenty internet-related companies. What worried Sabeer was that after telling them his web-mail idea, they would steal it and introduce it to one of their already-funded companies rather than investing in him.
"In fact, later on, the people who turned out to be our biggest competitor were Fourl1—the internet directory service company—and they were funded by Draper Fisher too."
But Sabeer decided they would never get anywhere without telling anyone their idea.
"I said 'Okay, I will trust you, but you have to give me a verbal commitment that this idea will not leave the room."
So they gave him their verbal commitment, and, at what was already supposed to be the end of a one-hour meeting, Sabeer walked over to the drawing board and started explaining his idea.
"They listened keenly for two hours!" he enthuses. "That's a long time, because I had already spent my one hour with them, so they were clearly very excited. In fact, by the end of that meeting they were pretty much ready to fund us two hours later!" he remembers excitedly.
"I asked for $3 million so we could completely develop the idea, to launch the company, to do the marketing, to hire the people. But they came back and said 'No, we'll give you just enough for you to show us that it is even possible to do email on the web.' So they gave us just $300,000... a very tiny sum."
Oh how wonderful it must feel to be able to call $300,000 tiny.
"Well, in terms of venture capital it is. But of course, to us, that was all that we needed to start—we were just very eager to start. Believe it or not, that was one of the most happiest days of my entire life. It was like... somebody had trusted us with that amount of money!"
So with 300,000 sparkling dollars in their pocket, Sabeer and Jack got to work discretely, trying hard to keep their idea away from hawk-like competitors.
"At that time, our company was actually called by a different name, and that was very good for us because it played to our advantage. We were called JavaSoft [a name that Sun Microsystems later adopted for their Java division], so people thought we were just another software company. We had registered the company, incorporated it and we found ourselves an office across the Bay, and nobody had a clue what we were doing. We hired one person—our first employee—and the three of us just literally lock ourselves in this office, we're working hard and not telling anybody what we're doing. Once again, our biggest fear was a large competitor just announcing the same service as ours.
"And we also knew that we would not get the next round of funding should a bigger player like Netscape or Microsoft had have launched the same idea, so we kept it very secretive until the time we were to launch. Then of course, we had to set up the milestone that was to be our launch, which was falling sometime around the end of July, so I hired a PR firm and they encouraged us to set our launch on the 4th July."
For those uneducated readers amongst you, 4th July is, of course, Independence Day.
"Independence is what Hotmail [which is what they changed their name to for the launch] is all about—because it allows you to read your e-mail from anywhere in the world as long as you have access to the web. It gives you independence from your computer."
So now their efforts were concentrated on doing everything they could to start the publicity ball rolling.
"About a month before the launch, along with the help of the PR firm, I went to literally every editor of every magazine to get Hotmail as much coverage as I could, and once again I made them sign non-disclosures. So initally, when we launched the company, our primary source of marketing was PR. Even until as recently as five or six months ago, PR has been our main vehicle of growth."
And what a level of growth it has been. After just two months, Hotmail boasted 100,000 registered subscribers. On it's first anniversary, that figure had risen by an incredible 2000% to two million.
"The research shows that there are about 140 million e-mail accounts in the world today, and 105 million are corporate accounts, leaving you with only 35 million consumers," says Sabeer. "We have 23 million of those accounts. That's a huge percentage of the market."
He then goes on to tell me the story of how that venture capitalist didn't believe Hotmail could get 50,000 of those accounts.
"I suppose it must have been pretty inconceivable at the time," adds Robin, the friendly PR lady who handled our call. And it was, and in fact, still is—but not to Sabeer.
"Do you know, I was the only one, the only one" he says, repeating for emphasis, "who was extremely bullish making claims of this type, and our own VC said 'We like you very much Sabeer, you're very enthusiastic and passionate about what you do, but you might want to put in a reality check because there's no way you can achieve 10 million subscribers by the end of 1997.'"
But of course, he proved them wrong when Hotmail surpassed the 10 million mark on 2nd of January this year.
"I was two days out," says Sabeer matter-of-factly.
Like all good computer journalists, I decide it's time to bring up the company that everyone loves to hate: Microsoft. Microsoft are now of course the owners of Hotmail, having bought the company in December of 1997 for "a few million".
No one actually knows how much the deal was worth, because as it was a pure exchange of shares (Sabeer and the other shareholders in Hotmail exchanged their shares in return for the highly-valued shares in Microsoft), neither companies have to disclose anything to the public.
Many anti-Bill campaigners were angry at Sabeer and Hotmail for "selling out" to Microsoft, rather than having a public offering like a lot of internet and technology companies have done, which would have allowed them to raise a large amount of capital whilst at the same time remaining independent.
"At that point in time, our closest competitor, Four11, was acquired by Yahoo!" explains Sabeer.
"Incidentally, the reason Four11 got into the web-mail business was because we had done a deal with them. We were using their email directory for our subscribers, and in return we were sending them registrations from Hotmail. So they were the only ones who truly saw first-hand how our service was growing every single day and that there was an enormous demand for a product of this kind. So they got into the business and that's what saved them—saved them in the sense that that's what gave them the kind of valuation that Yahoo! bought them for."
A valuation which was worth around $90 million. Sabeer continues...
"The Four11 acquisition posed a great threat to Hotmail, because Yahoo! has such great distribution due to its massive audience. So we needed a distribution partnership of some sort too, and incidentally at that point in time Microsoft came to us and asked us to look into the possibility of doing email for MSN, because we had clearly demonstrated we could cope as we already had 6 or 7 million subscribers. So we worked through the plans and details of what a business relationship looks like, and one of the things they wanted to do was invest in Hotmail because they felt that this relationship had to be a very close tight one."
So Hotmail proceeded to give a copy of their business plan to Bill's empire, only to find out that both companies were on a collision course with one another.
"We were looking to be a web portal, and of course, Microsoft wanted to be a portal too, and they felt very uncomfortable having their email served by a company who would be competing with them, so that's when they said 'Have you thought about an acquisition?'"
Hotmail was already on course to "go public", so they discussed the acquisition idea with the board, and realized that Microsoft could give them the advantages they needed to stay as the number one provider of free web-based email.
"The change in our competitive landscape was very important in helping us make that decision," he says. "We were most concerned about the Four11/Yahoo! acquisition."
So Microsoft bought Hotmail for an undisclosed amount, and suddenly, Sabeer became yet another one of the company's many millionaires.
So did he meet the one and only Bill Gates?
"Yes."
And is Bill the nerdy geek people make him out to be?
"I don't want to comment on that," Sabeer laughs. "One thing I will say is that he is really smart because during the very first meeting with Bill he was totally up to speed with everything that had happened in our space. So he still manages to recognize innovation when he sees it.
I start to ask Sabeer how it feels to know you've become the subject of a modern day rags-to-riches legend, going from nothing to become a multi-millionaire almost overnight, with millions on a golden handshake, all in under 18 months. Sabeer quickly corrects me.
"Two years," he says, as though those few months matter. "18 months from the time we launched. This is something that people yearn to have happen to them in a lifetime, and it has been such a lot of fun doing this for the past two years—forget all the success, forget the wealth and all that... but just from the pure point of knowing what it takes to start a company, to hire people and to grow it from two people... Every single day was a new rush, every single day I would wake up and despite having slept for only four hours, I felt so fresh, so energetic, so motivated, because this is something we were doing for ourselves, not for anyone else."
"Also it was exciting. Before we started the company it was a great risk, and then I said to myself, 'What is the worst that can happen?', and the worst thing was that I could go back and get the same job I left behind."
But everyone has a vision, a dream, of what it must be like to be enormously successful. And now that it's happened to Sabeer, has it lived up to his expectations?
"Oh it has exceeded them!" he says. "I think we both knew we would be successful, but we thought it would happen in five or six years. The fact that it has happened in only two has come as a pleasant surprise."
And has success and wealth changed him?
"I haven't changed at all," he says firmly. And I can believe him wholeheartedly. To talk to him, you couldn't possibly imagine you were talking to a multi-millionaire. For all that has happened to him, he is extremely down-to-earth, and you get the impression that the wealth and the success were just part of the parcel, that what really mattered was making Hotmail work and having a lot of fun along the way.
"What I have noticed though, is that when I went back to my home country of India three weeks ago, I noticed all my past friends and associates have changed—they just treat me differently now," he says, with a laugh that seems to cover up an element of disappointment. Then, I suppose when someone has had the success Sabeer has had, it is difficult for people not to perceive him differently.
He tells me a story that demonstrates the global impact Hotmail has had on people...
"I heard a small story this time when I went to India—that there are people in Antarctica using Hotmail! I was told there was an expedition sent by the Indian government internet and had all registered Hotmail accounts so that they could keep in touch with their families. I think what makes me really happy is that this will last after I've passed on. It is eternal."
So what motivated him to become another one of Silicon Valley's many legends?
"When I was really, really little I wanted to be a general in the army," he laughs. "But that changed quickly. I think really it was my years at Stanford [University] that motivated me to become an entrepreneur—I had never thought about it before Stanford."
Stanford is known as a breeding ground for venture capitalists. It is a university where students are actively encouraged to participate in entrepreneurship, and is responsible for inspiring the students who grew up to found a long list of companies which became global players in the computer industry, from Excite to Sun Microsystems and Yahoo!
"Before I came to Stanford, I got my undergraduate degree at CalTech were the people who are legendary there are the scientists—so before I came to Stanford I did not know anything about entrepreneurship... I pretty much wanted to get my PhD in science."
"But when I arrived at Stanford we had these brown bag lunch series in the afternoons—local entrepreneurs, successful ones and unsuccessful ones, and seniors from local companies, would come and talk to us about how they started their companies and the stories behind them. One, it was tremendously inspirational, and two it gave me a tremendous sense of confidence to know that all these people were at the end of the day human, just like any one of us, just like you and me. And that one thing, the realization that these people weren't superhuman, I think more than anything else was a powerful factor in helping me decide to start my own company."
He didn't have one specific role model, just generally people who had started and made a success of their companies, such as Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak from the legend that is Apple Computers.
"I didn't take one individual and make that person my role model," he says. "It was just the legends in Silicon Valley."
Stanford, it seems, played a very important part in shaping his life. But what about his future with Hotmail?
"I will continue to stay here," he affirms. "I have a commitment to Microsoft, and I am having fun doing what I am doing now. I have no plans to do anything other than this."
And with that, the interview is over, leaving me with the feeling that if only more people had the passion, enthusiasm and determination to realize their dreams as Sabeer has done, to have the ability to not see the boundaries that act as prison bars on their dreams, then the world would be a much more exciting, charismatic place to live in.