My SBF and I were apart for about 19 days. He was at his vacation home. I was there with him for a week, but had to return to my kids and pets.
We reunited last night. I’m a writer, currently curating a book of poems for a local publishing contest. I wrote this after seeing him last night. He is also an artist, musician and painter. He says it’s my best one yet. ☺️ I’m hoping he’s not just being biased.
Putting my heart out there lol I’m fine with critiques or someone not liking it. But please be kind.
Enchanted Fervor
You return to me
The way you stare
Your eyes
Piercing mine
With a hunger
I’ve never known
The embrace
Magical
Only way to describe it
Electric waves
Flowing from your body
Into mine
We lie in bliss
Breath
Is all I hear
Mine and yours
In perfect time
I want to talk
Say so much
But I can’t
Ruining the silence
Feels like a crime
I want to lay
In the nook of your arm
Forever
For as long
As you’ll let me
Can’t spoil this moment
With thoughts and words
Relish in the energy
Love
Lust
Life
Cascade between us
My body to yours
Effortlessly
Words are the nemesis
Words would interrupt
Ruin
Destroy
Shatter
The here and now
Words have no place here
No matter how I try
I write and write
Think and meditate
Words can’t contain
This moment in time

Hi all (and who knows/I hope dr K),
Prepare to read!! But if you don't want to, get the TLDR at the bottom; I am very uncommon with Reddit so forgive me any mistakes!
I've been strugglin' along in life for a while now (am 26 years old) and even though I've been doubling down on dr K's videos last 6 months or so, it's been 10 years I've been working very hard on myself (sometimes really really obsessively). As following is how great my life is going;
I just got hired for a new job (System Engineer in IT), got a good base (got a small but nice apartment with garden, money, stuff, a cute cat) and I am very healthy and strong (I put alot of time in my health) and maybe I got some on the lucky side with appearance thanks to my parents (no model but u know, just fine). + I've joined group therapy on 18 yrs old for one and a half year, been in cognitive therapy since my 21st and still going sometimes and have been reading about philosophy, psychology for years and thought alot about a mentality of 'overcoming' and practicing this alot too in for example Boxing. As more medicine for the mind I sometimes make poems, play guitar and sing or make raps (been a while tbh), meditate, work out more, have a healthy routine and habits, try to do enough new things and take risks (as in Love and also career or vacations alone etc).. I feel like I understand myself and my world alot better than before and that I could do something really cool with these insights.
To understand my question but honestly also because I am weirdly eager to share my story, here's a small part of my history; My parents got divorced at age 5 or 6 because my mother joined a sect (like Amish but modernized) and the church said she had to, against my fathers' wishes. It was a horrible divorce, where suddenly my dad was gone, they regularly got in screaming fights with my mom wishing him dead etc, slamming doors (my dad broke into the house at least once) arguing over the relationship and us, while we didn't really understood why and cried ofcourse. Later on when things sort of settled down I saw my dad weekend on weekend off and until shortly I told myself everything was fine from that time on; it would be too much to tell, but I am now sure (beside every period also has some good things ofc) I have been emotionally neglected, traumatically manipulated by my mom (examples: literally years later when I felt sad my dad was gone while looking at old pictures where she cut him out, she said things like it was the demon in my room making me feel that way and she literally commanded/screamed it back to hell, I was frightened to death and my little sister cried once; my mother also observed and controlled us sometimes obsessively checking our stuff in search of where the devil could hide & would throw it away, and manipulate choices, what is not allowed to do or even think.. everything) and I lived an extremely sad, depressing, insecure and self-blaming youth. If I'd understood what really was going on with my mom and my family, I probably would have killed myself. Lucky me I guess she forced me to become a bit better at lying, and so too to myself. Hahah you thought that was all didn't yah? Hell no, here comes part two; at 15 yrs old I got kicked out of (that side of) the family which meant losing my mother, my siblings I grew up with, my best friend cousin and a whole network of friends because I had to move to my father in another city too far away. I had to walk away from home (my mom) because I felt very unsafe apparently, I wasn't welcome anymore after that. She also didn't respond to my texts, or said I could come and then cancel, and send not even a message from the first birthday since on. Later on I tried again but she keeps putting expectations on me and plays with my love for her. haven't seen her for 6 years now I think. But I also left the one good thing; my mothers' beliefs. I am grateful for my father to take me in, but I think now he was too traumatized by the happenings' in his life that he wasn't able to really connect with me when I moved in, we never discussed emotional parts or had a good talk the first year or more. Maybe we had later on but still, he always felt distant from me, as today I am afraid. Like he is half a ghost; He lives, but always seems unaware of half of what happens.. doing his routine over and over. You can talk but he forgets. Never said he loved me or anything, just he living his life and I mine besides his. I know he loves me, but sad it is.
So you can see I've been through some shit and still leaving out alot because it would be too long to read. I want to get to the point myself as like;
I am feeling okay lately and really are keeping my balance, feeling overall good and livin' prosperous as I actually always do. The only thing I really long still is having a connection with people. I don't know if it's me, them, or both.. I moved alot so it was hard to remain friendships, but I also think I find it hard to make friends because I feel like a strange ducky; I fear my past has changed me so much that I understand depth that my peers do not. It could be arrogance, but it must at least have some truth in it. It takes alot of energy to be around new people and since a year I have become alot more solitary, because I don't want to drink really, use drugs or stay up at night. I live a peaceful life reading, working out, pursue a nice career and sum good meditation (and tea) sessions. And try to keep a few good friendships going, which are going very well. But I haven't been in a relationship for 6 years and now I feel like I am ready (a healthy one this time I promise), only the women around me I feel like they are not (ghosting, are most interested in themselves, looking for checking their grocerylist, communicate intensely vague). I've had quite some experience with women and don't struggle to get dates, but I really find it hard to find real connection/understanding. I got on a new datingapp where you go on date when you match without chatting, sounds great not? Only with the first 3 matches they postponed the date already 6 times, two doubles, mostly same day/few hours before. And with horrible reason and effort after really. I also find the girls I have approached in real life and dated seem occupied, and some of those things i just listed. Generally very cold women here in Holland, is my experience (but there are always exceptions on ones' rules ofcourse);
''Has this world changed its' moral value, or is it I?''
.. So I wonder; do I need to change myself, or my environment? Do I maybe have a lack of connection what makes me feel like I lack connection, or am I still missing something internally? Or both? And do I need to be more patient while feeling a little righteous lack-of?
If you want to ask, share or give your worldview of anything please do so! I am here to learn, not to know it better.
Huge propz to dr K, thanks for the ton of knowledge I already learned from you for free and thanks for this reddit page!
thanks for reading!
​
side question: It could be obvious but is my history a normal one? or is it a bit different from the usual? I wouldn't know really, I like to see myself as normal
​
TL;DR: Life is going great, Life wás hell & felt like sharing, question; is there a chance for real love?
​
​

Hi all (and who knows/I hope dr K),
Prepare to read!! But if you don't want to, get the TLDR at the bottom; I am very uncommon with Reddit so forgive me any mistakes!
I've been strugglin' along in life for a while now (am 26 years old) and even though I've been doubling down on dr K's videos last 6 months or so, it's been 10 years I've been working very hard on myself (sometimes really really obsessively). As following is how great my life is going;
I just got hired for a new job (System Engineer in IT), got a good base (got a small but nice apartment with garden, money, stuff, a cute cat) and I am very healthy and strong (I put alot of time in my health) and maybe I got some on the lucky side with appearance thanks to my parents (no model but u know, just fine). + I've joined group therapy on 18 yrs old for one and a half year, been in cognitive therapy since my 21st and still going sometimes and have been reading about philosophy, psychology for years and thought alot about a mentality of 'overcoming' and practicing this alot too in for example Boxing. As more medicine for the mind I sometimes make poems, play guitar and sing or make raps (been a while tbh), meditate, work out more, have a healthy routine and habits, try to do enough new things and take risks (as in Love and also career or vacations alone etc).. I feel like I understand myself and my world alot better than before and that I could do something really cool with these insights.
To understand my question but honestly also because I am weirdly eager to share my story, here's a small part of my history; My parents got divorced at age 5 or 6 because my mother joined a sect (like Amish but modernized) and the church said she had to, against my fathers' wishes. It was a horrible divorce, where suddenly my dad was gone, they regularly got in screaming fights with my mom wishing him dead etc, slamming doors (my dad broke into the house at least once) arguing over the relationship and us, while we didn't really understood why and cried ofcourse. Later on when things sort of settled down I saw my dad weekend on weekend off and until shortly I told myself everything was fine from that time on; it would be too much to tell, but I am now sure (beside every period also has some good things ofc) I have been emotionally neglected, traumatically manipulated by my mom (examples: literally years later when I felt sad my dad was gone while looking at old pictures where she cut him out, she said things like it was the demon in my room making me feel that way and she literally commanded/screamed it back to hell, I was frightened to death and my little sister cried once; my mother also observed and controlled us sometimes obsessively checking our stuff in search of where the devil could hide & would throw it away, and manipulate choices, what is not allowed to do or even think.. everything) and I lived an extremely sad, depressing, insecure and self-blaming youth. If I'd understood what really was going on with my mom and my family, I probably would have killed myself. Lucky me I guess she forced me to become a bit better at lying, and so too to myself. Hahah you thought that was all didn't yah? Hell no, here comes part two; at 15 yrs old I got kicked out of (that side of) the family which meant losing my mother, my siblings I grew up with, my best friend cousin and a whole network of friends because I had to move to my father in another city too far away. I had to walk away from home (my mom) because I felt very unsafe apparently, I wasn't welcome anymore after that. She also didn't respond to my texts, or said I could come and then cancel, and send not even a message from the first birthday since on. Later on I tried again but she keeps putting expectations on me and plays with my love for her. haven't seen her for 6 years now I think. But I also left the one good thing; my mothers' beliefs. I am grateful for my father to take me in, but I think now he was too traumatized by the happenings' in his life that he wasn't able to really connect with me when I moved in, we never discussed emotional parts or had a good talk the first year or more. Maybe we had later on but still, he always felt distant from me, as today I am afraid. Like he is half a ghost; He lives, but always seems unaware of half of what happens.. doing his routine over and over. You can talk but he forgets. Never said he loved me or anything, just he living his life and I mine besides his. I know he loves me, but sad it is.
So you can see I've been through some shit and still leaving out alot because it would be too long to read. I want to get to the point myself as like;
I am feeling okay lately and really are keeping my balance, feeling overall good and livin' prosperous as I actually always do. The only thing I really long still is having a connection with people. I don't know if it's me, them, or both.. I moved alot so it was hard to remain friendships, but I also think I find it hard to make friends because I feel like a strange ducky; I fear my past has changed me so much that I understand depth that my peers do not. It could be arrogance, but it must at least have some truth in it. It takes alot of energy to be around new people and since a year I have become alot more solitary, because I don't want to drink really, use drugs or stay up at night. I live a peaceful life reading, working out, pursue a nice career and sum good meditation (and tea) sessions. And try to keep a few good friendships going, which are going very well. But I haven't been in a relationship for 6 years and now I feel like I am ready (a healthy one this time I promise), only the women around me I feel like they are not (ghosting, are most interested in themselves, looking for checking their grocerylist, communicate intensely vague). I've had quite some experience with women and don't struggle to get dates, but I really find it hard to find real connection/understanding. I got on a new datingapp where you go on date when you match without chatting, sounds great not? Only with the first 3 matches they postponed the date already 6 times, two doubles, mostly same day/few hours before. And with horrible reason and effort after really. I also find the girls I have approached in real life and dated seem occupied, and some of those things i just listed. Generally very cold women here in Holland, is my experience (but there are always exceptions on ones' rules ofcourse);
''Has this world changed its' moral value, or is it I?''
.. So I wonder; do I need to change myself, or my environment? Do I maybe have a lack of connection what makes me feel like I lack connection, or am I still missing something internally? Or both? And do I need to be more patient while feeling a little righteous lack-of?
If you want to ask, share or give your worldview of anything please do so! I am here to learn, not to know it better.
Huge propz to dr K, thanks for the ton of knowledge I already learned from you for free and thanks for this reddit page!
thanks for reading!
​
side question: It could be obvious but is my history a normal one? or is it a bit different from the usual? I wouldn't know really, I like to see myself as normal
​
TL;DR: Life is going great, Life wás hell & felt like sharing, question; is there a chance for real love?
​
​

Waywards may need validation. Some wanted such validation from outside the relationship, because “of course you find me pretty and sexy, you love me!”, some thought/said. Like we don’t believe the praise our mom or grandma told us “you’re handsome “. Yeah, bullshit, we may have thought. The reality is you’re probably handsome. You will find those who love you are the first ones to tell you the truth, whether nice or harsh. “So, you are lazy!” …What a honest grandmother summary of my academic performance at some point. They still said that in a gentle and loving voice while handing me biscuits.
Why do we seek validation from those who know us less? Maybe to remove the love aspect, being judged purely on our persona. Be it physical attractiveness, or intellectual awing, to physical performance, invented charisma, trying newly found confidence that would not fit the existing relationship’s dynamics.
I used lot of persona facets, I wanted to become a successful lover. It was a challenge. I was hunting for love.
I was also enjoying my newly found self. Re-found. Things I had hidden for decades. The creativity needed a muse. It was also a playground of experiments.
I found the dynamics fresh, anew. I was trying to be someone else than I was with my BP. I wasn’t really “faking”, the words and actions with that other person were mine, yet I never expressed them like that to my BP.
It is as if I could be that person I wanted to be. In my past/present relationship I wanted to be more, but couldn’t change or risk the present relationship. When sometimes I tried, but failed. My artistic comments or pretty words fell flat.
In the affair, my poems were creating fire in heart.
It is a mix of Muse and receptiveness. Offer and demand both at high level. The AP use me as much as I used the AP, in that demand/offer dynamics.
We sometimes have to “pay” or “chip in” something to get what we want/need in return. Be it giving sex to receive adoration. For example I may like to meet new people to discover their life, their world, discussions. That passionate me. But the expectation from me would be romance and sex. Nobody wants to put the effort into me as mere friend. Lack of time. I attract by what I have to offer. I feel disgusting, but everyone is the same, conscious or not.
Some books cover the paradox of relationships: safe and stable yet boring. Fill many needs, yet some are forever impossible to fulfil.
I agree with some of these books, that today’s relationship look more dependent on each other than ever before for some of the needs. Safety yet romance. Stability yet excitement.
Besides the not so obvious discovery of what one’s needs are, expressing them safely is an impossible mission. And finding a mutual solution yet many more steps. Be it creativity, more social bonds, adventurous sports, uncommon vacations, business enterprises, etc.
How much of ourselves have we let sleeping, living over it, rug-swept under a carpeted convenience of a relationship.
The “fake” wasn’t me in the affair, it was me before the affair. I had lied to myself, hidden to my spouse, hidden my needs from myself and from my partner.

The psychology of needs and biology of feelings

We may have psychological evolution favouring the safety of relationships over the risk of breakup, the risk of communication.
Many of our natural instincts are archaic inheritance. The several nervous systems drive our emotional reactions like we were still cavemen. Emotional intelligence accounts for self understanding, being able to reframe, step back. Acknowledge our feelings, understand them, control the impulses.
We won’t end up kicked out of a cave, dead eaten by a tiger, if we fail a relationship. But the brain can still think that way. By “brain” I mean some of the automatic nervous systems. Many reactions are subconscious. Your consciousness can notice the effects. And then think about the triggers.
You are safe. These negative emotions are not real.
However, whatever how strong you think a brain can be, thoughts alone (cognition) cannot always convince your nervous systems that you aren’t in a risk of impending death. Millions of year of survival evolution lead us to stubbornly trust our feelings. Which is sometimes correct. Don’t stay in an unsafe relationship. I am talking here about other needs.
When you know you’re safe but you need more, and cannot convince yourself, then don’t ignore it. Your nervous systems will implacably make you feel miserable until your pressure valve blows up. Escape.
How do you get “more”?
Your needs can be met elsewhere. Not in the arms of a lover, equally as emotionally immature as you, or worse. No: with friends, at an art club, in the gym, walking alone. Watch your fav series alone. Your own projects.
Your partner might be your life partner : 1) They deserve to know 2) They deserve a chance to make it work mutually But: 1) They don’t know you perfectly. They can’t read your mind 2) You are not bound to them. You are safe. Really. Be that person you really are. Love the real self. Stand for yourself. Impose your boundaries. Almost be ready to walk off of it doesn’t work out. You are not desperate. The partner will only respect you more. You will grow together with the right partner. We have never been happier since I stopped taking shit.
Resentment is unacceptable. You are not strong for “coping”.
Of course, meeting your needs elsewhere (outside the relationship) yet without an affair, means you may not have satisfaction in romantic needs. Vanity of aesthetics, or personality interest, all gratifying your ego, are very powerful forces. Very. Even the richest and most intelligent people in the world chase after the gratification of beauty, power, etc. All the sins that you know are real, anchored in us. Don’t trust someone who tells you they are perfect, pure. We all have our demons.
Your present relationship will NOT satisfy all your needs. Your potential next one won’t either. Your AP has/will not either.
The only solution?
I am skipping a lot of the Self-Learning, there are lot of shortcuts in these thoughts.
Everything that made you do what you did, and made you feel what you felt in the affair, everything is in your hands. Any A is so unnecessary, because you could have had all the same self-finding and contentment without it. Like emotionally mature people do.
Good learning.
Sorry if it all sound patronising or naive.
Errare humanum est, perseverare adhuc humanum est.

Forgive me if this is long, but it's been a long few years. Hopefully no one recognizes me based on these events.
When I turned 18, I came into some money left for me by my late and beloved grandmother. As the young and dumb idiot that I was at the time, I ignored the words I was given by my mom and blew it all over the course of 2 years +. Not on any big purchases, but a combination of small purchases, dumb subscriptions, being naive and paying more for rent than I should've compared to my roommate(s), and the biggest factor: giving a lot of it to people who didn't need it.
I've always been a giver to the point that it leaves me with nothing, and that was no different. That was the beginning of the downward spiral of my life.
Personal life:
For most of my life I've felt inadequate and worthless. I've always been the nerd that gets made fun of or taken advantage of, I've always been skinny which has been a point of being picked on often or daily. I'm black, which invites jokes at my race and skin tone, even from other black people. I've always done my own thing, whether with my preferences or introversion, which ALSO gets picked on due to me not being like everyone else I interact with. I've moved too often, worked too much, or been picked on too much to ever experience much to the point where I barely no how to do anything but work, game, and "nerdy" things, which has also been picked on. I'm always a shoulder to cry on, but these same people never lend me an ear when I need it. I only ever do it because there's a part of me that longs for contact, and for most of my life that was the only time I was ever given the time of day or sought out by anyone, including family.
There are only three people in the world that ever give a damn about what I say, whether important or small talk that THEY start. Otherwise I'm talked over, ignored, interrupted, or the conversation somehow gets turned into a way to pick on me for small things that have added up.
A lot of the bullying and picking on I've experienced has been small things with bigger things sprinkled in, always about my insecurities, but I've had a thick enough skin to not interact, or a lack of a spine to respond properly. This has built up to shattering any confidence I've ever had in myself, and destroyed any desire to interact with people. I'm afraid every conversation I have will turn into a waste of time or a way to shit on me, and I've been right on the money every time other than with my mom or TWO of the only five people I talk to outside of family.
I stay in those situations because those are the only interactions I have otherwise. I'm desperate for conversation with people who don't want to talk to me, people whom I have nothing in common with, and people who like to rag on me. I'm pathetic.
The work saga:
For years, I've put my all into my work, whatever job it may be. I've had three long term jobs since I was 17, one of which I worked for 5 years (with a break during covid due to it shutting down). There were several factors that caused me to leave both of the jobs I worked the longest, but it basically amounted to being overworked to the point of having health and stress issues, picking up the workload of the dozens of people who quit around me or under me, adding to my own stress, being openly walked on and disrespected to the point of bullying at times, having no life outside of work whatsoever which forced my "friends" to be coworkers (some of whom either betrayed me in ways or used me, as I should've expected), and eventually either being thrown away or driven to near insanity.
Due to several reasons, I didn't and still don't drive, which has forced me to bus or Uber everywhere, using lyft/Uber for the most part during the first half due to me being too tired to wake up in time, and getting off too late to bus home at times. I've had to walk several miles to get home, which ruined shoes and my feet, and added to my fatigue.
Throughout that time, I incurred a few debts, some of which were my fault and others weren't. I owed the IRS several hundred dollars federally with no apparent origin, and even after calling them, they expressed confusion at it, but said they couldn't/wouldn't do anything about it. I paid $17,000 in taxes of the $30,000 I made that year, and still owed several hundred. I had paid off my credit cards, only to bring them right back where they started because my friend didn't calculate properly or prepare us properly for the vacation we took to his home town, forcing me to use the cards to afford gas and food for us since we'd otherwise be stranded and broke. Then returned to find I had been replaced at my 5 year-long job by an asshole who turned the place into a hell that even our customers noticed, making me walk out with over half of the staff after a few weeks.
At the next job I lacked a spine enough to do anything meaningful about the manager and others who bullied me on a constant basis, and ruined a birthday I didn't even want to celebrate to begin with. When I DID finally confront him, it stopped, but was seemingly replaced by being overworked due to them and the other managers causing dozens of my peers and those beneath me to quit weekly, leaving me and others to hold it together while they showed favoritism to others. HR was useless. No one had a spine to sue for long because of how big the company was, and because everyone they hired was desperate for cash to the point of fear.
For most of my life I've had issues with depression and anxiety, having written several poems about killing myself when I was 12 onwards. I switched schools often due to moving, and any friends I made along the way fell by the wayside save for 4 of them, and for a time, I'd only ever be contacted by others so I could be a shoulder to cry on or for money that I didn't have. But due to my nature as a selfless, self-sabotaging idiot, I gave everything but the lint in my pockets.
The few times I had an opportunity to experience any fun or life outside of work, I was either dragged to something that made me extremely uncomfortable, or was made fun of for my lack of experience with ANYTHING, which discouraged me from trying any further (which was ALSO used to pick on me).
I have no love life whatsoever, and the only "girlfriend" I've ever had didn't last long for multiple reasons.
Everything:
The combination of stress from my tumultuous work life, my relcusivity, being walked on, not being respected in ANY capacity (from my preferences to my introversion to my skinny body to my skin tone to my issues, etc), the guilt of me wasting my grandmother's money, feelings of inadequacy and being a burden to anyone that showed me any actual kindness, and my mental issues, led to me nearly killing myself several times over the last two and a half months alone. I've cried out for help so much to anyone and everyone, and no one gave a damn except my mother, who can only do so much. No one seems to care other than her and my aunt/uncles, but talking doesn't help. At least not with them. And so I stopped.
I get awkward and resistant to compliments or nice actions because I'm neither used to them nor do I feel worthy of them. I pretend to be OK to save myself from another conversation I'm either going to be too messed up to heed the help of, or waste my time talking to someone who isn't going to say anything helpful at all. I went to a mental hospital for a week a month ago, but pretended I was OK to get out of there because all they did was lock me away and give me bingo cards, otherwise treating me like furniture. I tried seeking out therapy but they either have no availability, don't take my insurance, or flake on me. I tried taking pills but they caused me to hallucinate and ruined my sleep rather than fixing it. I had a cat but gave her away to someone who can care for her better, and I got too snappy because of my fragile psyche, and I was tired of being mean to her over cat things. I love that cat, and she's better off with someone who can love her better. She's too much of an animal to realize I'm unworthy of her love, which she gave me more than I deserved.
I've been starving myself in hopes that I'll end up dying of malnutrition to save myself the stress and pain of killing myself, but also so I'll hopefully see a light at the end of the tunnel.
My lung has collapse twice over the last three years spontaneously, either due to stress or God's jokes, if there even is a god (I'm agnostic and don't care enough to think about it).
Finding work has been difficult to impossible due to the lack of work I'm suited for and my lack of drive to put any effort into anything. I'm afraid to interact with people out of fear of not knowing how to, or being made fun of again, or being used again, or burdening anyone with my nonsense.
My roommate has decided to pay for everything until I get back on my feet because I took him and another friend in when they were at their rock bottoms and let them live rent free for months, so he feels he's returning the favor, especially because he's now working a VERY high paying job. But I can't help feeling like a burden freeloader in my own home.
I stopped talking about any of this with anyone I know because they either can't help, have helped too much, or don't care enough to try. Most of all, I don't deserve it.
I should've saved myself from being bullied time and time again. Should've saved myself from being walked on at work and used like a tool for years only to be thrown away or overworked. Should've hunted for the people who'd actually care about me and what I have to say. Should've taken the helpful words and done something with them rather than failed every time. Should've been better.
Instead, I've been too weak, afraid, beaten down, and useless to make anything I try effective or even try at all. Even being here means nothing. My only goal in life would be to earn back the $30,000 I wasted and give it to someone who will put it to better use than I did.
If all of this has been meaningless rambling, I apologize. There is just so much that has happened that my mind is fried.

Forgive me if this is long, but it's been a long few years. Hopefully no one recognizes me based on these events.
When I turned 18, I came into some money left for me by my late and beloved grandmother. As the young and dumb idiot that I was at the time, I ignored the words I was given by my mom and blew it all over the course of 2 years +. Not on any big purchases, but a combination of small purchases, dumb subscriptions, being naive and paying more for rent than I should've compared to my roommate(s), and the biggest factor: giving a lot of it to people who didn't need it.
I've always been a giver to the point that it leaves me with nothing, and that was no different. That was the beginning of the downward spiral of my life.
Personal life:
For most of my life I've felt inadequate and worthless. I've always been the nerd that gets made fun of or taken advantage of, I've always been skinny which has been a point of being picked on often or daily. I'm black, which invites jokes at my race and skin tone, even from other black people. I've always done my own thing, whether with my preferences or introversion, which ALSO gets picked on due to me not being like everyone else I interact with. I've moved too often, worked too much, or been picked on too much to ever experience much to the point where I barely no how to do anything but work, game, and "nerdy" things, which has also been picked on. I'm always a shoulder to cry on, but these same people never lend me an ear when I need it. I only ever do it because there's a part of me that longs for contact, and for most of my life that was the only time I was ever given the time of day or sought out by anyone, including family.
There are only three people in the world that ever give a damn about what I say, whether important or small talk that THEY start. Otherwise I'm talked over, ignored, interrupted, or the conversation somehow gets turned into a way to pick on me for small things that have added up.
A lot of the bullying and picking on I've experienced has been small things with bigger things sprinkled in, always about my insecurities, but I've had a thick enough skin to not interact, or a lack of a spine to respond properly. This has built up to shattering any confidence I've ever had in myself, and destroyed any desire to interact with people. I'm afraid every conversation I have will turn into a waste of time or a way to shit on me, and I've been right on the money every time other than with my mom or TWO of the only five people I talk to outside of family.
I stay in those situations because those are the only interactions I have otherwise. I'm desperate for conversation with people who don't want to talk to me, people whom I have nothing in common with, and people who like to rag on me. I'm pathetic.
The work saga:
For years, I've put my all into my work, whatever job it may be. I've had three long term jobs since I was 17, one of which I worked for 5 years (with a break during covid due to it shutting down). There were several factors that caused me to leave both of the jobs I worked the longest, but it basically amounted to being overworked to the point of having health and stress issues, picking up the workload of the dozens of people who quit around me or under me, adding to my own stress, being openly walked on and disrespected to the point of bullying at times, having no life outside of work whatsoever which forced my "friends" to be coworkers (some of whom either betrayed me in ways or used me, as I should've expected), and eventually either being thrown away or driven to near insanity.
Due to several reasons, I didn't and still don't drive, which has forced me to bus or Uber everywhere, using lyft/Uber for the most part during the first half due to me being too tired to wake up in time, and getting off too late to bus home at times. I've had to walk several miles to get home, which ruined shoes and my feet, and added to my fatigue.
Throughout that time, I incurred a few debts, some of which were my fault and others weren't. I owed the IRS several hundred dollars federally with no apparent origin, and even after calling them, they expressed confusion at it, but said they couldn't/wouldn't do anything about it. I paid $17,000 in taxes of the $30,000 I made that year, and still owed several hundred. I had paid off my credit cards, only to bring them right back where they started because my friend didn't calculate properly or prepare us properly for the vacation we took to his home town, forcing me to use the cards to afford gas and food for us since we'd otherwise be stranded and broke. Then returned to find I had been replaced at my 5 year-long job by an asshole who turned the place into a hell that even our customers noticed, making me walk out with over half of the staff after a few weeks.
At the next job I lacked a spine enough to do anything meaningful about the manager and others who bullied me on a constant basis, and ruined a birthday I didn't even want to celebrate to begin with. When I DID finally confront him, it stopped, but was seemingly replaced by being overworked due to them and the other managers causing dozens of my peers and those beneath me to quit weekly, leaving me and others to hold it together while they showed favoritism to others. HR was useless. No one had a spine to sue for long because of how big the company was, and because everyone they hired was desperate for cash to the point of fear.
For most of my life I've had issues with depression and anxiety, having written several poems about killing myself when I was 12 onwards. I switched schools often due to moving, and any friends I made along the way fell by the wayside save for 4 of them, and for a time, I'd only ever be contacted by others so I could be a shoulder to cry on or for money that I didn't have. But due to my nature as a selfless, self-sabotaging idiot, I gave everything but the lint in my pockets.
The few times I had an opportunity to experience any fun or life outside of work, I was either dragged to something that made me extremely uncomfortable, or was made fun of for my lack of experience with ANYTHING, which discouraged me from trying any further (which was ALSO used to pick on me).
I have no love life whatsoever, and the only "girlfriend" I've ever had didn't last long for multiple reasons.
Everything:
The combination of stress from my tumultuous work life, my relcusivity, being walked on, not being respected in ANY capacity (from my preferences to my introversion to my skinny body to my skin tone to my issues, etc), the guilt of me wasting my grandmother's money, feelings of inadequacy and being a burden to anyone that showed me any actual kindness, and my mental issues, led to me nearly killing myself several times over the last two and a half months alone. I've cried out for help so much to anyone and everyone, and no one gave a damn except my mother, who can only do so much. No one seems to care other than her and my aunt/uncles, but talking doesn't help. At least not with them. And so I stopped.
I get awkward and resistant to compliments or nice actions because I'm neither used to them nor do I feel worthy of them. I pretend to be OK to save myself from another conversation I'm either going to be too messed up to heed the help of, or waste my time talking to someone who isn't going to say anything helpful at all. I went to a mental hospital for a week a month ago, but pretended I was OK to get out of there because all they did was lock me away and give me bingo cards, otherwise treating me like furniture. I tried seeking out therapy but they either have no availability, don't take my insurance, or flake on me. I tried taking pills but they caused me to hallucinate and ruined my sleep rather than fixing it. I had a cat but gave her away to someone who can care for her better, and I got too snappy because of my fragile psyche, and I was tired of being mean to her over cat things. I love that cat, and she's better off with someone who can love her better. She's too much of an animal to realize I'm unworthy of her love, which she gave me more than I deserved.
I've been starving myself in hopes that I'll end up dying of malnutrition to save myself the stress and pain of killing myself, but also so I'll hopefully see a light at the end of the tunnel.
My lung has collapse twice over the last three years spontaneously, either due to stress or God's jokes, if there even is a god (I'm agnostic and don't care enough to think about it).
Finding work has been difficult to impossible due to the lack of work I'm suited for and my lack of drive to put any effort into anything. I'm afraid to interact with people out of fear of not knowing how to, or being made fun of again, or being used again, or burdening anyone with my nonsense.
My roommate has decided to pay for everything until I get back on my feet because I took him and another friend in when they were at their rock bottoms and let them live rent free for months, so he feels he's returning the favor, especially because he's now working a VERY high paying job. But I can't help feeling like a burden freeloader in my own home.
I stopped talking about any of this with anyone I know because they either can't help, have helped too much, or don't care enough to try. Most of all, I don't deserve it.
I should've saved myself from being bullied time and time again. Should've saved myself from being walked on at work and used like a tool for years only to be thrown away or overworked. Should've hunted for the people who'd actually care about me and what I have to say. Should've taken the helpful words and done something with them rather than failed every time. Should've been better.
Instead, I've been too weak, afraid, beaten down, and useless to make anything I try effective or even try at all. Im afraid anything Ill put my efforts into will crumble into dust like it usually does. Even being here means nothing. My only goal in life would be to earn back the $30,000 I wasted and give it to someone who will put it to better use than I did. But I can't even find the will or drive to live day to day.
If all of this has been meaningless rambling, I apologize. There is just so much that has happened that my mind is fried.

so for context me and my ex started dating in january 2023. it was a really good and healthy long distance relationship (NY to FL) and i took many trips to see her and i even went on vacation with her family. we ended in october 2023 in a pretty bad way, but we’ve decided to stay friends. i’ll be honest i never really lost feelings for her, just kind of forgot about them. we started to get close as of recently like facetiming and snapping and stuff but two days ago she got back together w this guy that had ghosted her in april. she still texts me all the time and still wants to facetime me all the time, like for example, she told me that she wants to call today but her bf is coming over so she will call me once he leaves. i have a feeling she still finds me attractive because i catch her staring at me on facetime and also when i send her a snap i look good in she responds with a “🫢” face (not the emoji). anyways we talked yesterday and i asked her if the guy knows about our friendship, she said no. for context he’s a co worker of hers and he knew that we were together for 8 months so if he sees my name in her phone he will know who i am. i told her that if he finds out we’re talking even if it’s completely platonic he will probably break up with her as it is always a red flag if you are still friends with exes if your in a relationship. she said and i quote “im not gonna tell him and if he finds out im just gonna say it’s a different (my name).” i told her that it makes me feel weird and she said “listen it’s not a big deal stop worrying about it.” more context, before i knew about her and this kid, while they were still talking she texted me stuff saying “if you lived here in FL things would be different” (aka if i lived there we’d still be tg) and she also wrote a poem on her spam insta that she stated i was the good path for her yet she always takes the bad paths etc etc (she sent me a screenshot of it and said “you are the good path that i wrote about”) this was all while they were first talking. i know she actually likes this kid because of the way she talks about him but i also don’t know if she still likes me.

Kusen, Stone Nest Dojo, 19 May 2024
Yesterday, as I was reading in my study, I heard a thump against the glass of the outside doors. When I looked to see what had caused the noise, I saw a bird twitching on the bricks, but it didn’t twitch for long. It was a yellow-billed cuckoo, its long tail-feathers beautifully dappled, as though a painter had taken pains with each stroke. It was still warm with recent life and pliant, draped across my palm, head hanging down, and its white breast was plush and soft and still, its eyes black as glass beads and dead.
Sometimes we get caught up in the quality of our zazen. We want to make sure we are doing it right. If we have a bad day, if we are uncomfortable in body or mind, we wonder what we are doing wrong, how to make it better. But this is unnecessary, mistaken. Yes, we can make small adjustments, get our knees on the floor, make sure our butt is high enough on the zafu to assist the curvature of the lower spine, bring our shoulders back but not too far back so that our posture is erect, draw the collarbone up and the chin in, and stretch the backbone so that our head presses the sky.
But there the need for assessment ends. The focus need not be so inward or critical.
Every zazen is unique, you have heard me say it before. Every time we enter the dojo, the dojo is not the same as it was last time, and neither are we. It is warm and humid today, sunny after recent rain, and the windows are cranked open to let in the breeze (if there were a breeze) and the songs of the birds in the trees and the cicadas vibrating everywhere. But next time we meet here in the dojo there will be rain, or the trees will be bare, or it will be cold, or the birds will be on vacation or on strike, keeping their song to themselves, the cicadas done with their mating cycle and gone back to their underground lairs.
And next time we meet we will be different, too. As Heraclitus said, we can never step into the same river twice. Another way to say this is, the same person never steps into the river twice.
Ichi-go, ichi-e. This common calligraphy phrase found on so many Japanese tea scrolls means that we have one chance to make the most of our one meeting, whether this meeting is with another person, with the natural wonders, or with ourselves. How do we make meaning of our lives in the moment? How do we grasp the richness available to us in the chance of our one meeting, the one chance meeting that is the here and now? Not the one chance “of a lifetime” that is Frost’s road taken or not, I am not talking about that kind of moment, but rather the moment that comes to us in each moment, the moment we can grasp in its suchness, what is called the tathata: the ultimate inexpressible nature of things. This meeting is, after all, what Dogen meant when he set out to find the rationale for practice in light of the fact that we are all, after all, already enlightened. We all have the enlightenment experience available to us at every moment of every day of our unrepeatable (and inexpressible) experience of ichi-go, ichi-e. Do we pay attention through practice, through zazen, through grasping the chance? Or do we go on our way without giving our cuckoo lives our full attention?
It reminds me of Auden’s poem “Musee des Beaux Arts,” where he views the painting by Breughel in which Icarus has fallen from the sky into the bay where merchant ships go on their way, and even if they bother to look they won’t be able to see “something amazing,” a boy falling from the sky or what the significance of that wonder might be, since they are too preoccupied by the habits of their unconscious day, like the dogs who go on with their doggy lives.
If not for zazen, I might have been like those sailors on the merchant ships and ignored the yellow-billed cuckoo that swooped down from the sky and knocked at my door.
And yet this was a perfect example of ichi-go, ichi-e, one chance, one meeting, a moment to make some sense of our life. At least until we too take a wrong turn, or mistake a mirror for a window, or a window for a doorway, or a doorway for a way out. Until we throw ourselves against an invisible wall that we don’t see coming until it is too late. Until mujo strikes, or until we strike mujo.
Oh, but the beauty of the yellow-billed cuckoo!

Kusen, Stone Nest Dojo, 19 May 2024
Yesterday, as I was reading in my study, I heard a thump against the glass of the outside doors. When I looked to see what had caused the noise, I saw a bird twitching on the bricks, but it didn’t twitch for long. It was a yellow-billed cuckoo, its long tail-feathers beautifully dappled, as though a painter had taken pains with each stroke. It was still warm with recent life and pliant, draped across my palm, head hanging down, and its white breast was plush and soft and still, its eyes black as glass beads and dead.
Sometimes we get caught up in the quality of our zazen. We want to make sure we are doing it right. If we have a bad day, if we are uncomfortable in body or mind, we wonder what we are doing wrong, how to make it better. But this is unnecessary, mistaken. Yes, we can make small adjustments, get our knees on the floor, make sure our butt is high enough on the zafu to assist the curvature of the lower spine, bring our shoulders back but not too far back so that our posture is erect, draw the collarbone up and the chin in, and stretch the backbone so that our head presses the sky.
But there the need for assessment ends. The focus need not be so inward or critical.
Every zazen is unique, you have heard me say it before. Every time we enter the dojo, the dojo is not the same as it was last time, and neither are we. It is warm and humid today, sunny after recent rain, and the windows are cranked open to let in the breeze (if there were a breeze) and the songs of the birds in the trees and the cicadas vibrating everywhere. But next time we meet here in the dojo there will be rain, or the trees will be bare, or it will be cold, or the birds will be on vacation or on strike, keeping their song to themselves, the cicadas done with their mating cycle and gone back to their underground lairs.
And next time we meet we will be different, too. As Heraclitus said, we can never step into the same river twice. Another way to say this is, the same person never steps into the river twice.
Ichi-go, ichi-e. This common calligraphy phrase found on so many Japanese tea scrolls means that we have one chance to make the most of our one meeting, whether this meeting is with another person, with the natural wonders, or with ourselves. How do we make meaning of our lives in the moment? How do we grasp the richness available to us in the chance of our one meeting, the one chance meeting that is the here and now? Not the one chance “of a lifetime” that is Frost’s road taken or not, I am not talking about that kind of moment, but rather the moment that comes to us in each moment, the moment we can grasp in its suchness, what is called the tathata: the ultimate inexpressible nature of things. This meeting is, after all, what Dogen meant when he set out to find the rationale for practice in light of the fact that we are all, after all, already enlightened. We all have the enlightenment experience available to us at every moment of every day of our unrepeatable (and inexpressible) experience of ichi-go, ichi-e. Do we pay attention through practice, through zazen, through grasping the chance? Or do we go on our way without giving our cuckoo lives our full attention?
It reminds me of Auden’s poem “Musee des Beaux Arts,” where he views the painting by Breughel in which Icarus has fallen from the sky into the bay where merchant ships go on their way, and even if they bother to look they won’t be able to see “something amazing,” a boy falling from the sky or what the significance of that wonder might be, since they are too preoccupied by the habits of their unconscious day, like the dogs who go on with their doggy lives.
If not for zazen, I might have been like those sailors on the merchant ships and ignored the yellow-billed cuckoo that swooped down from the sky and knocked at my door.
And yet this was a perfect example of ichi-go, ichi-e, one chance, one meeting, a moment to make some sense of our life. At least until we too take a wrong turn, or mistake a mirror for a window, or a window for a doorway, or a doorway for a way out. Until we throw ourselves against an invisible wall that we don’t see coming until it is too late. Until mujo strikes, or until we strike mujo.
Oh, but the beauty of the yellow-billed cuckoo!

Hello! I am 20 years old. I don't live with my parents but my parents pay my rent. So still incredibly financially dependent. They also pay for my college and give me allowances for grocery's and things. In fact, I use that allowance to pay for doctor's visit's and my testosterone.
I have a website, a blog I created, to post poems and other personal writings. I made it in highnschool and would share it with close friends. I shared it with my mom. She ended up turning on post notifications so that whenever I post a new entry she would be updated. It was sweet, knowing she wanted to know how I felt about things... In that way.
Then today. She often accidentally genders me correctly. (I have a brother) So I say "He is fine." Almost like i'm warming her up to the idea haha...
I've come out to my family as nonbinary when I was around 16. My mom said she would never call me He.
So today when I said "He is fine." She said "can you stop saying that. I did not give birth to a he, I am not calling you that."
I fought back only slightly. I wasn't planning on nor prepared to come out to her in that moment.
My original plan was to take testosterone and until she started asking questions, say nothing. And when she did start asking questions I planned to answer them truthfully. As by that time the changes would had already really began to take effect.
All that to say, after the incident today. I went to my blog. I wrote something. Titled "You hate me. I know you hate me. You'll hate me once you find out what I've done."
Pretty dramatic lol I know but that's the whole point. I made a space for myself to express myself however I felt necessary. I mention the exact incident (meaning she knows I'm talking about her). One of the lines are "Today I thought I should never tell you. That I practiced voice training instead and just went to the gym a bunch. That will be easier for you. You'll hate me less."
I hit publish. Feeling relieved to have gotten these negative thoughts and emotion's off my chest. As well as honestly rethinking my speak until spoken to policy. Thinking, maybe I should lie for as long as I can.
Then later today I got a notification. Someone was on my website, reading that post. I knew, I instantly remembered. She gets notifications for when I post. I try to quickly delete and block her member profile. Trying to kick her from viewing it. Nothing works. I had set it up a while back so you put in a password before entering the site after a fall out with someone who had access to it, but I guess fot previous members it bypasses that.
Then I heard her walking up the stairs. I knew.
She comes in and closes the door, she never does that, and sit's on my bed. (I'm home for summer)
She tells me that she saw my post and asks if I think that she hates me. I say no, its nuance and that I forgot she got notifications for that. That she wasn't supposed to see it. It's not enough for her. She ask's what I did. I hesitate. I say "I came out as nonbinary before and (don't remember likely giberish) that's what I did is be who I am." I didn't know what to say. I'm not a good liar.
I have only been on testosterone for 5 weeks. I have got to therapy for a couple months discussing my gender and whether or not I wanted to start hormone replacement therapy. I have been contemplating it however, for around a year before starting therapy. I did this all by myself. I decided to tell my brother (37) after going to my consultation. He had his own reservations but he told me he loved me no matter what. He still misgenders me but his hearts in the right place and right now i'll take what I can get. My dad is the quiet type. He doesn't hold a lot of power in our household and is likely quiet because of it. I know i can't rely on him for any impactful support. I also have no idea whether there would be any.
I thought about calling my brother after it happened but he is ignorant on the matter. I don't know the lengths he would go to protect me. I am unsure and that scares me. I don't have any trans friends on HRT who could advise me.
I remember at my consultation my doctor expressed real concern for whether I had a supportive family unit or not. I told him I don't think my mother would could me off or disown me (she's the breadwinner) but thats when I was under the impression that I would have full control over when and how I would tell her.
Now. I am feeling that fear a bit stronger. I am gunning for my PHD in psychology. I live in an apartment near campus. I am extremely privileged. Although, my relationship with my immediate family is extremely dysfunctional it works.
Based off what she read the likely hood is at the very least she has an inkling that I am on T. I ended the conversation by saying I wasn't ready to have this conversation right now and she wasn't meant to read that. I asked her to turn the notifications off :P (stupid, I just didn't know what to do or say).
I drafted the post and made a new website moving everything on to there. I decided I will no longer share that website with anyone. It's for my eyes only. Until I can be sure someone deserves to gain access to its contents.
Anyway, any advice on how I should handle this? Right now we are both leaving to go on separate vacations. So I will be taking my medicine with me and I won't have to worry about her possibly snooping through my things to find out if I am or not. I will likely need to hide my T when I come back. I don't think telling her now is a good idea. I have a therapy appointment next tuesday so I will also ask my therapist for advice. Support or encouragement is also welcome :)

Hello! I am 20 years old. I don't live with my parents but my parents pay my rent. So still incredibly financially dependent. They also pay for my college and give me allowances for grocery's and things. In fact, I use that allowance to pay for doctor's visit's and my testosterone.
I have a website, a blog I created, to post poems and other personal writings. I made it in highnschool and would share it with close friends. I shared it with my mom. She ended up turning on post notifications so that whenever I post a new entry she would be updated. It was sweet, knowing she wanted to know how I felt about things... In that way.
Then today. She often accidentally genders me correctly. (I have a brother) So I say "He is fine." Almost like i'm warming her up to the idea haha...
I've come out to my family as nonbinary when I was around 16. My mom said she would never call me He.
So today when I said "He is fine." She said "can you stop saying that. I did not give birth to a he, I am not calling you that."
I fought back only slightly. I wasn't planning on nor prepared to come out to her in that moment.
My original plan was to take testosterone and until she started asking questions, say nothing. And when she did start asking questions I planned to answer them truthfully. As by that time the changes would had already really began to take effect.
All that to say, after the incident today. I went to my blog. I wrote something. Titled "You hate me. I know you hate me. You'll hate me once you find out what I've done."
Pretty dramatic lol I know but that's the whole point. I made a space for myself to express myself however I felt necessary. I mention the exact incident (meaning she knows I'm talking about her). One of the lines are "Today I thought I should never tell you. That I practiced voice training instead and just went to the gym a bunch. That will be easier for you. You'll hate me less."
I hit publish. Feeling relieved to have gotten these negative thoughts and emotion's off my chest. As well as honestly rethinking my speak until spoken to policy. Thinking, maybe I should lie for as long as I can.
Then later today I got a notification. Someone was on my website, reading that post. I knew, I instantly remembered. She gets notifications for when I post. I try to quickly delete and block her member profile. Trying to kick her from viewing it. Nothing works. I had set it up a while back so you put in a password before entering the site after a fall out with someone who had access to it, but I guess fot previous members it bypasses that.
Then I heard her walking up the stairs. I knew.
She comes in and closes the door, she never does that, and sit's on my bed. (I'm home for summer)
She tells me that she saw my post and asks if I think that she hates me. I say no, its nuance and that I forgot she got notifications for that. That she wasn't supposed to see it. It's not enough for her. She ask's what I did. I hesitate. I say "I came out as nonbinary before and (don't remember likely giberish) that's what I did is be who I am." I didn't know what to say. I'm not a good liar.
I have only been on testosterone for 5 weeks. I have got to therapy for a couple months discussing my gender and whether or not I wanted to start hormone replacement therapy. I have been contemplating it however, for around a year before starting therapy. I did this all by myself. I decided to tell my brother (37) after going to my consultation. He had his own reservations but he told me he loved me no matter what. He still misgenders me but his hearts in the right place and right now i'll take what I can get. My dad is the quiet type. He doesn't hold a lot of power in our household and is likely quiet because of it. I know i can't rely on him for any impactful support. I also have no idea whether there would be any.
I thought about calling my brother after it happened but he is ignorant on the matter. I don't know the lengths he would go to protect me. I am unsure and that scares me. I don't have any trans friends on HRT who could advise me.
I remember at my consultation my doctor expressed real concern for whether I had a supportive family unit or not. I told him I don't think my mother would could me off or disown me (she's the breadwinner) but thats when I was under the impression that I would have full control over when and how I would tell her.
Now. I am feeling that fear a bit stronger. I am gunning for my PHD in psychology. I live in an apartment near campus. I am extremely privileged. Although, my relationship with my immediate family is extremely dysfunctional it works.
Based off what she read the likely hood is at the very least she has an inkling that I am on T. I ended the conversation by saying I wasn't ready to have this conversation right now and she wasn't meant to read that. I asked her to turn the notifications off :P (stupid, I just didn't know what to do or say).
I drafted the post and made a new website moving everything on to there. I decided I will no longer share that website with anyone. It's for my eyes only. Until I can be sure someone deserves to gain access to its contents.
Anyway, any advice on how I should handle this? Right now we are both leaving to go on separate vacations. So I will be taking my medicine with me and I won't have to worry about her possibly snooping through my things to find out if I am or not. I will likely need to hide my T when I come back. I don't think telling her now is a good idea. I have a therapy appointment next tuesday so I will also ask my therapist for advice. Support or encouragement is also welcome :)

Y’all, I’m really not sure what’s still around. This list is somewhat edited, but please still make sure to check on all the regular events before you make big plans – I may have missed something.
Events are listed by the day. Events that happen every week appear first, one time stuff after that. If you have anything you’d like people to know about, comment here or message me and I’ll add it in. If you’d like further info about any of the events, look it up! I usually don’t have any extra to add.
Large Scale, Ongoing, and Multi-Day Events

Local Running, Walking, and Biking Info: https://troubleafoot.blogspot.com/
Guided Paddling Outings all around the area: https://www.facebook.com/hsmithoutdoors
Tallahassee Film Society Showings: https://www.tallahasseefilms.com/tickets/
Book Clubs for all tastes: https://www.facebook.com/midtownreadeevents
Live Theater:

• Making Light Productions: https://www.makinglightproductions.org/
  
• Theatre Tallahassee: https://theatretallahassee.org/
  
• Mickee Faust Club: https://www.mickeefaust.com/
  
• Monticello Opera House: https://www.monticellooperahouse.org/
  
• FSU School of Theatre: https://theatre.fsu.edu/productions/
  
• Young Actors Theatre: https://www.youngactorstheatre.com/
  
• Quincy Music Theatre: https://quincymusictheatre.com/
  
• Tallahassee Hispanic Theater: https://tallahasseehispanictheater.wordpress.com/
  

OutdooFarmer’s Markets:

• Lake Ella Grower's Market: Wednesday and Saturday, 11am-2pm. You can always find organic vendors, and foragers: The Holistic Cannabis Community, Artzi Farms, Hickory Nut Gifts, and others. Including Pita Queen! Farmer's Market Nutrition Program Coupons gladly accepted!
  
• Tallahassee Downtown Market: Saturdays, 10am-2pm, Park Ave Parks. Vendors display their arts and fine crafts, jewelry, handmade soap, pottery, Fresh from Florida produce, hand-raised beef and pork, fresh baked bread, jams and jellies, and honey. Live music from different local musicians every Saturday.
  
• Frenchtown Heritage Market: 524 N MLK Jr Blvd. Third Saturday of the month 10am to 2pm. Come grow community and support your local farmers and makers, while you get your groceries for the week! Don’t forget! We match SNAP/EBT, so you DOUBLE your money to go towards locally grown fresh fruits and vegetables! If the guy with the pineapple is there, get it. This is currently only happening on the third Saturday of the month for the next few months while road work is completed.
  
• Tallahassee Farmers Market: 2904 Kerry Forest Pkwy, Saturdays, 8am to Noon. Come see us at Tallahassee's longest-running farmers market! We are a year-round market, featuring local farms and vendors that provide the best seasonal produce, meats, baked goods, and more. We welcome you and your whole family (leashed pets included) to come out and meet your local farmers! Ample parking is available between our lot and the shopping center lot next door (by Red Elephant). Come early for the best selection.
  

THURSDAY, 5/16

• The Hub at Feather Oaks: Bingo. 6pm
  
• Dreamland BBQ: Weekly Open Blues Jam. If you'd like to sing, please bring your own mic. 6pm
  
• Honest Living Vape: Chess-Master Thursdays . Beginners and experts, join us every Thursday from 6-9 for Chess-Master Thursdays. All ages. Bring your board or play ours! Tournaments coming soon! 6pm
  
• Lake Tribe: Trivia. 7pm
  
• Takko Market Square: Bingo Night. 7pm
  
• The Getaway Grille and Bar: Karaoke with Jared Walker. 7pm
  
• Amicus Brewing: Trivia. 7pm
  
• Smitty's Taphouse: Trivia Lab Thursdays. Teams of 6 or fewer players can compete for $30 / $20 / $10 Prizes + The Golden MacGuffin prize table! New format! Interactive smartphone answering for your comfort and safety! 6 Fun Rounds - 42 Total Questions. 7:30pm
  
• Studio D: Bachata Fever. We always have a bachata workshop at 8 pm before Bachata Fever. We dance afterwards to the sounds of DJ Bacharod. The class is at 8 pm and Bachata Fever will start at 930 pm. Many times people are learning in class and may feel uncomfortable social dancing while they are still learning moves. We have a welcoming environment so stay and have fun and dance with everyone. That is how we learn. 8pm/Class $5/Bachata Fever $5.
  
• The Sound Bar: Comedy Night. 8pm
  
• Finnegans Wake: Open Mic. 8:30pm
  
• Brass Tap in Midtown: Karaoke with DJ Rah. 9pm
  
• 926: Karaoke. 9pm
  
• Bird’s: Karaoke with Nathan. 9pm
  

• Fire Bettys: Slasher Bash. This week we'll be showing: "Zombeavers". Prepare for an evening of horrific hilarity with comedy narration and devilish drinking games!🍻 Hosted by local comedians. 8pm/21+
  
• Blue Tavern: Seep's Gumbo Nation ft. Shanice Richards. 8pm
  

FRIDAY, 5/17

• Blue Tavern: Happy Hour with Steve Malono. 5pm
  
• Lake Tribe Brewing: Flannel Fridays with Live Music. 6pm
  
• Hobbit West: Friday Night Dart Tournament. Anyone can Enter! Sign ups at 7:30, Darts fly at 8:00/$10 entry fee
  
• Ouzts Too: Karaoke with DJ Nathan. Best karaoke DJ in town. 8pm
  
• Just One More: Karaoke with DJ Rah. 9pm-11pm/21+
  
• 926: The Hot Friday Night Party and Drag Show. 9pm/$5/18+
  

• The Hub at Feather Oaks: Rachel Hillman. 5:30pm
  
• Lake Tribe: Ben Wentworth. 5:30pm
  
• Amicus Brewing: The Tanglers. 6pm
  
• The Getaway Grille and Bar: One Year Anniversary Celebration Featuring Queen of Hearts Band. 6pm
  
• Southwood Golf Club: The Rhythm Remedy. 6:30pm
  
• Goodwood: The Big Bash Havana Nights presented by Brent Hartsfield. The Big Bash is Big Brothers Big Sisters of the Big Bend's signature fundraising gala of the year and directly supports the agency's youth mentoring programs. Guests will enjoy Cuban Cuisine, champagne mojitos, cigars, flights, classic cars, photo opportunities, silent auction vacation packages, LIVE music and dancing, and an exciting LIVE salsa dance performance from 12 community volunteers! The event is a tremendous networking opportunity for Tallahassee's top business professionals, local community leaders and philanthropists to come together to enjoy an evening to celebrate the achievements of Big Brothers Big Sisters. 7pm
  
• Blue Tavern: Wil Fulkerson Jazz Night. 8pm
  
• House of Music: Belly Dancing: Journey From The Nile To The Tigris. Habibi, join us on a groovy carpet ride across ancient deserts: Disco Iskandar embarks on a voyage of belly dance, folklore, cinema, and history in a theatrical dance production, JOURNEY FROM THE NILE TO THE TIGRIS. Highlighting the prominence of belly dance in films of the Middle East from the 1940s through the 1970s, we present a live showcase exhibiting dances from Egypt, Turkey, Iraq, and beyond. It goes so much deeper than you think. Hookahs! Swords! Rhinestones, literally everywhere! This cross section of entertainment and education is the culmination of years of obsessive learning, two national tours, and travels to Egypt & Lebanon. JOURNEY FROM THE NILE TO THE TIGRIS is a trip unlike any other-- where the Middle East meets Vegas. This show’s cast is Gabi Corazon, Gia Bee, Liz Azi, Olya Clark, Vania Ojeda, director Veronica Lynn, and special guest star Omaris! 8pm/$15/21+
  
• The Sound Bar: The Old Schoolers. 8pm
  
• Vino Beano: Your Scumbag Neighbors. 8pm
  
• The Bark: Medians, No Yeah, Sleep John B, and Cloud Storage. 8pm
  

SATURDAY, 5/18

• Brinkley Glen Park: Invasive Plant Removal. Join Master Gardener Volunteers at this weekly invasive plant removal event. This is a great way to learn to ID our invasive plant species and how to remove them. We recommend wearing long pants and sleeves, closed-toed shoes, gloves, a hat and mosquito spray. Bring gardening tools such as hand clippers, loppers, trowels, etc. if you have them. We are removing coral ardisia bushes and berries, nandina, tung trees, Tradescantia flumenensis, cat's claw vine, winged yam, Japanese climbing fern, skunkvine and more. Directions: The best way to get there is to take Meridian Rd to Waverly Rd, go to the next intersection and turn left onto Abbotsford Way, then turn left at the next road called Woodside Dr. At the stop sign turn left onto Lothian. Lothian ends in a cul-de-sac and there is a sign that says Brinkley Glen Park. 8:30am-11:30am
  
• Gamescape: Saturday Gaming. Gamescape has relocated from Railroad Square to the Huntington Oaks Plaza (Suite 302, next to the Library) at N Monroe St and Fred George Rd. Open gaming tables are available. Noon-6pm
  
• Duke’s and Dottie’s: Line Dancing Plus Lessons. 7pm/21+
  
• Bird’s Oyster Shack: Laughterday Night Fever. * Join us every Saturday at Bird's Aphrodisiac Oyster Shack for a free comedy show!* 8:30pm
  
• 926: Latin Night. Dance to the irresistible beats of Zeus and prepare to be dazzled by a spectacular drag show at midnight. It's more than a party, it's an experience. 9:30pm/$10 21+, $15 under 21
  

• Crawfordville: Big Bend Biodiversity Tour. See why our area is so ecologically incredible! Get up close and personal with creatures and plants galore. Join expert guide and outdoor educator, Ryan Means for this limited opportunity to tour the Apalachicola Lowlands Preserve. The day-long trip stops at points along the way to the privately-owned preserve nestled deep in the Apalachicola National Forest near Sumatra, FL. Explore the longleaf pine ecosystem, pitcher plant bogs, ephemeral wetlands, and blackwater streams - home to some threatened and endangered species. Learn what makes the Florida Panhandle one of the five richest biodiversity hotspots in North America. Perfect tour for photographers, outdoor enthusiasts and ecologists. $75 tour fee includes round-trip transportation (from 46 Kinsey Rd, Crawfordville, FL) , complimentary beverages, and supports efforts to preserve the incredible biodiversity of the Southeastern Coastal Plain. Spaces limited. Register here: https://coastalplains.networkforgood.com/events/71083-big-bend-biodiversity-tour for full details. 8am
  
• Dreamland BBQ: Rock Type One to None. Let's rock to find a cure for Type 1 Diabetes! The Unicorn Wranglers are back on Saturday, May 18th at Dreamland BBQ in Tallahassee, Florida for the 2024 "Rock One to None" show. This show is benefiting the Juvenile Diabetes Research Fund (JDRF) and will feature musical guests Midnight Caravan, Fallen Timber, and the Unicorn Wranglers. The show starts at 4 pm and runs until 7 pm at Dreamland BBQ in Music Alley, and is open to all ages. While the show is free, we encourage all rockers attending to donate to the cause. You can contribute at the show by visiting our donation station or by heading over to our online Unicorn Wranglers team page. Together, as one big mosh pit, we can help cure Type 1 Diabetes. 3pm
  
• The Hub at Feather Oaks: Ethan Kyllonen. 4pm
  
• Amicus Brewing: Beza Alford and Rev. Dr. Sheldon Steen. 5pm
  
• Lake Tribe: Flamingo Party. 6pm
  
• The Getaway Grille and Bar: Billy Rigsby Band. 6pm
  
• Vino Beano: Brett & "Dangerous" Dave. 6pm
  
• Salty Dawg: Hot Mess. 6:30pm
  
• La Tiendita: Rhys Bennett & the Gringos as Vontade. Join us for an energetic evening filled with the vibrant sounds of Latin music, Brazilian beats, and jazz rhythms. Our local band, Rhys Bennett & the Gringos, will transform into the versatile ensemble Vontade, treating you to a delightful mix of rancheras, bossa nova, and more! Whether you're a seasoned dancer or a newcomer to the dance floor, you're in for a fantastic time at one of Tallahassee's hidden gems. Immerse yourself in a night of cultural fusion and musical celebration that is sure to create lasting memories! 6:30pm
  
• The Sound Bar: Tillman & Taff. 7pm
  
• Island Wings: Midnight Caravan. 7pm
  
• The Bark: Saturnalia, Brass Wizard, Van Season, and Psycho Tropical. 8pm
  
• Fire Bettys: 80's Video Dance Party. 8pm
  
• Just One More: One Eyed JAK. 9pm
  

SUNDAY, 5/19

• Bicycle House: Sunday Ride. Ride at 10:30 AM from Bicycle House. We will ride the Cascades trail to the St Marks trail and down to Wakulla station and return, about 31 miles. Ride speed is 12 to 14 mph, with periodic regroups. Vernon Bailey is the ride leader. Vernon is a new CCC member who’s been biking for 50 years enjoys riding with small groups and weekend touring. 10am
  
• E Peck Greene Park (Behind the LeRoy Collins Library): Food Not Bombs Free Mealshare. We offer free vegetarian/vegan food, water, coffee, personal care & hygiene products, bus passes, and clothing when we have some available to those in need. Contact foodnotbombstally@gmail.com to find out about getting involved. Noon-2pm
  
• LeRoy Collins Library: Tallahassee Go Club Meetings. Come play the captivating ancient game of Go, also known as Baduk, with some friendly games and discussions. Beginners welcome. Visit https://www.tallahasseegoclub.com for more information. 1pm
  
• Gamescape: Pokémon League. Come learn, play, and trade with the Pokémon Trading Card Game and the Pokémon video games! We LOVE seeing new players, so come learn how to play! We play both the Trading Card Game and the Video Game casually and competitively. The store offers lots of different seating arrangements to meet our group's needs, as well as food, drinks, and Pokémon products for purchase. We are also hold regular, officially sanctioned tournaments for Pokémon Trading Card Game and Video Game Competitions! 2-4pm
  
• The Plant: Open Jam. All instruments, all players welcome. 4pm-9pm
  
• Pedro’s: Mariachi Clasico. 6pm
  
• Fermentation Lounge: Open Mic Night Hosted by Conor Churchill. 7pm
  

• Ology Powermill: Marauders Market. Noon
  
• The Hub at Feather Oaks: The Barber Bros. 1pm-4pm
  
• Goodwood: Ice Cream Social. Get ready for a spectacular day of family fun at Goodwood Museum & Gardens! Treat your taste buds to a family fun day of FREE ice cream, FREE crafts for the kids, FREE activities, and more, all on the beautiful Goodwood grounds. Family-friendly musical entertainment will be provided by The Safari Man, who will have everyone tapping their feet and dancing along to his whimsical tunes. 1pm
  
• Common Ground Books: Contemporary Queer Poetry Book Club: Time is a Mother. This month, we’ll be reading “Time is a Mother” by Ocean Vuong. “In this deeply intimate second poetry collection, Ocean Vuong searches for life among the aftershocks of his mother's death, embodying the paradox of sitting within grief while being determined to survive beyond it. Vivid, brave and propulsive, Vuong's poems contend with personal loss, the meaning of family, and the value of joy in a perennially fractured American spirit. The author of the critically acclaimed poetry collection Night Sky with Exit Wounds, winner of the 2016 Whiting Award, the 2017 T. S. Eliot Prize and a 2019 MacArthur fellow, Vuong writes directly to our humanity without losing sight of the current moment. Bold and prescient, and a testament to tenderness in the face of violence, Time is a Mother is a return and a forging-forth all at once.” 6pm
  

MONDAY, 5/20

• Just One More: Bingo. 5pm-6:30pm
  
• The Getaway Grille and Bar: Margarita Monday, Open-Mic Night hosted by The Saltwater Cowboy. 5:30pm-8pm
  
• American Legion Hall: Cha Cha - Weekly Lessons. 6:15pm/$5
  
• Hangar 38: Bingo. 6:45pm
  
• Vino Beano: Tipsy Trivia. 7pm
  

TUESDAY, 5/21

• Blue Tavern: Happy Hour. 5pm
  
• The Getaway Grille: Tuesday Night Bikes and Trikes. 6pm
  
• Crafty Crab: BOOMIN' Karaoke. 7pm
  
• Gamescape: Hobby Night. Slay the grey together! Join your fellow gamers and turn your pile of grey miniatures into a battle ready army. Need some painting tips? Feel free to ask at hobby night. You can bring any miniature for any game to paint. 7pm
  
• Ology Midtown: Jazz Jam Sessions. 7pm
  
• Island Wings: Trivia. 7pm
  
• Brass Tap in Midtown: Trivia. 1st Tuesday of the month is General Knowledge with rotating themes the rest of the month. 7pm
  
• House of Music: Tuesday Trivia & Karaoke. 7pm
  
• American Legion Hall: Tallahassee Swing Band Tuesday Night Dance. 7:30pm
  
• Fire Bettys: Comedy Night. 8pm
  
• Poor Pauls: Trivia. 8pm/21+
  
• Blue Tavern: Bluesday Tuesday with Bill Ricci. Every Tuesday is Blues Day @ the Blue Tavern and Blues Meets Girl is a Tallahassee favorite. This perfect, intimate venue provides just what you need for both a mid-week break and authentic blues music experience. 8pm/$5
  
• 4th Quarter: Professor Jim's Tuesday Night Trivia. Popular for a reason! 8pm
  
• Argonaut Coffee: Trivia Tuesday. 8pm
  
• The Sound Bar: Karaoke. 8pm
  
• Fire Betty’s: Open Mic Comedy Night. 8pm/21+
  
• 926: Tacos and Trivia. 9pm
  

• Tallahassee Junior Museum: Basic Blacksmith Skills Program. Light your curiosity at our upcoming Basic Blacksmith Skills Program! Join our resident blacksmith, Michael Murphy, as he shares his history of being a Smitty. Participants will be able to keep the fire going, sling a hammer, and throw knives during this two hour lecture program. This is an outdoor event. Must preregister online at tallahasseemuseum.org/events. This program is free for members and regular admission price for non-members. 10am

WEDNESDAY, 5/22

• Sugar and Spice Tally: Game Night. Join us every Wednesday Night for community game night. Bring your own or use ours! Let me know if you need to reserve space for a large group. Free to attend! 5pm
  
• Goodwood: Wonderful Wednesday. 6pm/$5
  
• Level 8 Rooftop Lounge: Trivia. 6pm
  
• La Florida Coffee & Wine: Trivia Night. 6pm
  
• The Great Games Library: Open Game Night. 6pm/free
  
• American Legion Hall: Sue Boyd Country Western and More Dance Class. Session 2 - Beginner 6:30 to 7:45 pm What: East Coast Swing and Waltz. Cost: $8.00 per person. Wear comfortable shoes you can turn in. 7:45 to 8:15 - Practice dance with paid admission. 8:15 to 9:30: Intermediate - 2 Step and WCS. $8.00 per person or $13.00 for both classes. Vaccines are required. Face masks are optional. Changing partners is optional. 6:30pm
  
• Perry Lynn’s Smokehouse in Quincy: Wed Night Open Mic w/ Steven Ritter and Friends. 6:30pm
  
• Hangar 38: Trivia. 6:45pm
  
• Proof: Trivia. 7pm
  
• Vino Beano: Wine Bingo. 7pm
  
• Fermentation Lounge: Trivia. 7pm
  
• Blue Tavern: Wednesday Open Mic with Doc Russell. The open mic night that has run continuously for almost 20 years, once housed at the Warehouse, lives on at the Blue Tavern. Doc Russell continues as the host with the most. Sign up starts at 7:45pm/free to attend
  
• House of Music: Bar Bingo! Free to Play & Late Night Karaoke. 7pm
  
• Fire Betty’s: Karaoke! 8pm/21+/free
  
• Dukes and Dotties: College Night and Line Dancing Lessons. 8pm
  
• Finnegans Wake: Trivia. 8pm
  
• The Sound Bar: Open Mic Night. 8pm
  
• The Bark: Karaoke with DJ Nathan. Best karaoke DJ in town. 9pm
  
• Peppers: Karaoke. 9pm
  
• 926: Dragged Out Wednesday. 10pm
  

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weather, web, website, wedding, week, weekend, weekly, weigh, weight, welcome, welfare, well, west, western, wet, what, whatever, wheel, when, whenever, where, whereas, whether, which, while, whisper, white, who, whole, whom, whose, why, wide, widely, widespread, wife, wild, wildlife, will, willing, win, wind, window, wine, wing, winner, winter, wipe, wire, wisdom, wise, wish, with, withdraw, within, without, witness, woman, wonder, wonderful, wood, wooden, word, work, worker, working, workout, workplace, works, workshop, world, worried, worry, worth, would, wound, wrap, write, writer, writing, wrong, yard, yeah, year, yell, yellow, yes, yesterday, yet, yield, you, young, your, yours, yourself, youth, zone.

The novel begins September 3, 2006, a Sunday. In "physical time," our reality, Andre Agassi played and lost his final match of his career. Steve Irwin, the croc hunter, would die the following day from a stingray's three barbed venomous spinal blades puncturing his heart. Senator Barak Obama was still denying he was intending to run for President (he would announce in February 2007.) The number 1 song in America and the UK is Sexyback by Justin Timberlake. Egypt warned of Palestinian terror attacks against Israelis vacationing in Sinai. Charlie Sheen turned 41. 200 Taliban are killed in a major battle in Kandahar, Afghanistan. Iraqi leaders announce the capture of the #2 leader of Al Qaeda. Europe's space agency purposely crash-lands a lunar probe into the moon.
In short, nothing, on balance seems to have happened in the world that has any particular world-historical or even US-historical import. Just a day. Even searching back 4 extra days from September 3 - since we are told that the man viewing the art installation is now on his fifth straight day in the museum - nothing all that *important* seems to have happened on any of those dates, the way saying a novel is starting on June 6, 1944, or (obviously) September 10, 2001, or July 16, 1945 or November 22, 1962 would be of course trying to tell us something.
Q: why is Delillo's purpose (is there one?) for telling us this specific date? Why is it important that the man is there on September 3, 2006 watching this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a31q2ZQcETw over and over.
Q: who is the man? Delillo himself? Just a random unnamed character? Is it definitely Finley and Elster who are the two men who come into the room? The description of the older man "long white hair braided at the nape" [p.7, Scribner] certainly seems to suggest it is Elster, described in Ch. 1 as a man "with silvery hair, as always, was braided down into a short ponytail." If it is definitely them, what does it mean they attended a museum show together? Anything?
This is not the first Delillo novel to open with a scene where a movie, and anonymous characters' responses to watching it, is central to the narrative - Players opens with a movie being shown on a plane that is basically a silent movie of a terrorist machine-gun attack on waspy golfers, only accompanied by a pianist (yes a pianist) in the airplane bar filling in the suspense with improvised show tunes - and it is not the first to open with an examination of an art installation - Underworld, after the fantastic baseball game section - opens at Klara Sax's airplane bomber art installation commune. But this opening seems to introduce two characters obliquely, and of course only if you've paid close attention to the description of Elster's hair could you think back to it being him, perhaps.
"The nature of the film permitted total concentration and also depended on it." "The less there was to see, the harder he looked, the more he saw." [p.5, Scribner]
Q:Who is this person watching and why should we care?
Q: Did the opening sequence provide you any insight other than , perhaps, confusion? Something other than "what the hell did I just read?" What? Does your reaction to the opening sequence change when you know (if you did before this post) that the Psycho installation was and is real?
Moving on to Chapter 1 [p. 17, Scribner], we learn that we are on Day 10 of a 12-day period of time that relates the initial relationship between Elster and Finley. Finley, who is probably in his early to mid-30s and 73-year-old Elster are spending time at Elster's house in the desert to record a one-take movie of Elster's testimony of what it was like to serve in an administration that went to war under less than honest circumstances.
Our narrator is Jim Finley, a documentary filmmaker who has made exactly one film about Jerry Lewis's telethon appearances - Lewis, a "rampaging comic" to whom Elster would merely be a "straight man." [p.27] Elster, who Finley also describes as "not a man who might make space for even the gentlest correction," [p.22] is a non-political theorist being brought in to an administration to provide narrative to their war. I've seen references to him being based on Paul Wolfowitz, the political scientists who became Deputy SecDef in the Bush II Administration who famously nearly swallowed his comb to wet it to comb his hair in an image that likely sealed his fate in D.C. as unserious and ridiculous who was then shuffled off to the World Bank, but would Delillo ape the man AND mention him in the narrative? If so, that seems clumsy.
Q: Do you even take Elster serious as a character or believable as a "brain" behind the narrative of an administration going to war? A man who speaks in bad koans and aphorisms like "Time becomes blind." [p.23] and who reads Louis Zukovsky into the night? (Zukovsky famously worked on an epic poem called "A" for over almost 50 years, finally finishing it a few years before his death in 1978.)
Finley tells us: "To Elster, sunset was human invention, our perceptual arrangement of light and space into elements of wonder." [p.18, Scribner]. Elster has come to the desert to seek - something - we know not what and are not told definitively - but his narrative of what his role was in Washington was to create a interpretation of the "closed world" for the "plotters, the strategists" [p. 28] and ends up delivering to Finley what I think Finley was after - the cynical idea that Elster was giving form and shape to the government's bullshit narrative - "The state has to lie. There is no lie in war or in preparation for war that can't be defended. We went beyond this. We tried to create new realities overnight, careful sets of words that resemble advertising slogans in memorability and repeatability."
Q: Is Elster ultimately right? Did the country have a "shadowy need" [p.34] for such a narrative? See, for instance: "Let's roll." [probably in reality, "Let's roll it" referring to a beverage cart to break into the cockpit.]
"Shock and awe." "Global War on Terror" "Slam dunk" "WMDs" "The Surge" And perhaps most infamously "Enhanced Interrogation Techniques"
At the ends of the chapter, we get what counts as a cliffhanger in this slim novel: Elster's adult daughter would be coming for a visit, Jessie who was "otherworldly" [p. 36].

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The store wasn’t very far, just a few blocks away from my apartment. I’ve taken the same trip so many times in the past, and yet these last months it feels completely different. My back hurts when I walk for too long, my legs tire much faster, and I have this incomprehensible, unshakable feeling that someone is watching me. It’s nauseating…
“Take a deep breath. No one here is paying attention to you… they are all busy with their own lives, just like you!”
She says that as she walks by my side, but I still feel it crawling on my back, the eyes of people around me. Loud instrumental music used to block the feeling but these days it really doesn’t help. My hands nervously open and close, until I realize what I am doing and force myself to stop. No, I don’t want to look like a freak. I don’t want to be a freak at all.
I just want to be normal.
“You are normal.”
Please don’t lie to me.
Eventually I did reach the Munimarc, one of those old supermarket chains that you can see anywhere in this part of Wohl. The place greets me with a cold breeze from the AC, and an annoyingly catchy tune from the speakers. ‘Be the King of the Barbecue!’, said Alejandro Villegas, ‘With our exclusive meat cuts!’.
Man. I remember when Villegas was the sensation across the nation, as the children say. A young and handsome actor appearing in the latest telenovelas of the time… now a washed up old man selling you sirloin. In a way, it makes me feel a little better about myself.
“It shouldn’t. You call him a washed up old man but he still makes more in one day than you’ll make in several years.”
I can’t have anything good here.
Slowly, nervously, I walk into the building and go straight for a basket, then turning to go to the sausage section. I need a big pack, some soda… maybe some Tavs…
“Sugar would pick you up.”
“And fatten you up even more. Gluttonous bastard, don’t you dare pick up Tavs. It’s already bad that you’re eating sausages!”
Sigh.
I pick up some of the good sausages, then go for a bottle of Chugga Cola… and a package of Chocolate biscuits.
“Bastard. You put those back where you found them. I can’t believe you’re being so stubborn!”
With my loot on hand, I walk straight for the check-outs… but then, a sound freezes me to the core. A voice I recognize.
“Oh, that’s Patricio! Let’s go say hi!”
I don’t even turn around, I don’t dare to. It’s distant, so clearly he hasn’t realized I am here yet, but it’s definitely him. Oh no.
“Come on, it’s a good chance to test the waters! See if he’s still… you know… a friend.”
He and I were good friends in college, or at least I think we were? Never had much in common beyond our predilection for anime and videogames, but hey. That was enough for conversation. We used to hang out after class, eat trash together, study and try to get by together, it was nice.
But now this is not nice. This is the opposite of nice.
For a moment I feel the need to push the volume of my cellphone up to the maximum, but no, on the contrary, I stop the song on its tracks just to make sure I can know where Patricio is at all times.
Oh right, that’s it! The headphones! I can just pretend I can’t hear him and walk my way!
“That’s mean…”
“And impractical. You will be talking to the cashier, right? Besides, you know how Pat is, he’ll come straight to you if he sees you.”
I hate being right. I can hear the guy walking closer. Quickly I go back to the cashier, a nice old lady who looks at me with concerned eyes. Am I freaking out? Is it too visible?? She idly checks out my products and comments:
“Oh dear, you shouldn’t eat so many sausages, they are bad for you…”
Oh.
Okay. That’s okay. She just recognizes me. That’s normal. I recognize her too, so that’s normal.
“You’re so fat it is showing already. Told you.”
Shut up.
“I… sorry.” I mumble, passing the money to the cashier.
“Don’t apologize to me dear, apologize to yourself.” She smiles. She thinks she’s being sweet… I am not sure if that makes me feel indignant or guilty.
With a nod I take the bag and walk out. Patricio is walking out as well. I brace, taking a sharp breath and closing my eyes for a moment.
“Just say hi. He won’t bite!”
Gathering all my strength, I turn on my heels to face Patricio. My cheeks force the rest of my face to smile, pulling from those muscles I barely use anymore, and then–
He passes me by.
I freeze right there, just feeling the wind of the AC hitting my face as the guy just walks out of the supermarket. My body refuses to move for a second as I am hit with the realization that I was ignored.
What?
“Maybe… maybe we heard wrong? Maybe it wasn’t him? I mean, why would he shop here anyways, it’s far from his house.”
“Didn’t you want to avoid him anyways? Why do you even feel bad? Little crybaby, you’re just looking for excuses to feel miserable.”
My breath picks up for a moment, to the point where I have to bite my lower lip to control myself, to not just cry right then and there. What? Why did he ignore me? Is he mad?
Of course he’s mad, I’ve been gone a month and I haven’t even tried to talk to him or communicate in any way.
He has all the right to hate me.
“He could at least say something about it though…”
“He’s a damn coward, he’d never say it to our face unless pushed to it… Not that he’s too different to you in that aspect.”
My shoulders slump, my whole body slouches a little bit. I have to push myself to turn around and abandon the building before making a scene. I am not even sure if anyone noticed how humiliated I feel right now… I really hope no one did.
When the discordant sounds of the city hit me again, I remember that I have to turn the music on. Anime openings and videogame instrumentals feel a little too happy for me right now, but it’s better than the noise old trucks make when passing by.
As I trudge my way out of the supermarket and begin the walk back home, I can feel the plastic bag digging into my flesh. It’s not even that heavy! And yet the damn thing gets so thin on my hands, it cuts my circulation.
“Hypertension is a bitch, huh? Fatty.”
Like my grasp on my own humanity, those comments grow ever weaker. At least it’s a bit of a relief, it gives me space to think. Why should I go straight home? What’s waiting for me there?
“A warm meal. Which you need to survive, mind you?”
That’s a good point. But at the same time…
My eyes wander to my left. I look through the street, beyond the street, remembering the trips I used to take to and from College, walking through the central streets of the city, passing by the pit, and then through the market district… I enjoyed going there, seeing all the things I couldn’t buy. Checking out new games, merchandise, books.
Maybe buying something will make me feel better.
“Or it will be wasting precious money.”
Sigh.
“Besides. You already had one person ignore you today. Do you want to risk another? Considering you don’t even want to be acknowledged either, you tiresome bitch.”
My body slumps again, as I take a turn back towards the apartment building. Maybe some other day I’ll feel better to just go out.
—---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sausages and rice. So easy to make, so fast too. I am never sure if I am overcooking or undercooking the damn things but, it tastes good… just, not as good as it used to.
I am aware that the natural tendency for people is to always think past times were better, but maybe they changed the sausage formula?
“It’s the exposure. When you were a kid, sausages were a sometimes food. Now you eat them all the time.”
As I fill my plate with three sausages and a bunch of rice, like the decadent bitch I am, I think about where to eat… I’ve been eating in my room for the last month. It’s getting full of plates, so maybe it would be best to eat in the living room….?
“Why? There’s literally no reason, there’s no one here to eat with.”
My heart aches. Not physically, at least not yet, but you get the idea. There was a time when Venus and I ate together every night, sharing our experiences in college… whatever happened to that?
“You started eating and doing stuff in your room by yourself.”
“You neglected her for a long year or so. And of course, she neglected you right back.”
I feel like it’s not as simple as that but, at the same time… ugh… Shaking my head, I set my food on the table, then go for the old computer to set it up in the living room. Today I am eating like a normal person.
“It’s a start!”
“You’ll have to clean this fucking garbage bin of an apartment eventually. But you won’t. Lazy bastard.”
When I open my computer, I spend a moment checking the dirty keyboard and the smudged screen. For someone who spends as much time online as I do, I really need to take better care of this thing. If it were to break, I… I honestly don’t know what I would do.
Trying not to dwell on the inevitable but still eventual catastrophe, I search for an old episode of ‘Golden Bawl’, setting it up while I eat and listen along to Kintoki’s shenanigans. I don’t watch a lot of Comedy shows, or even anime for that matter, but they can be good for passing the time.
“There was a time where comedy was our entire world, remember that?”
Yeah… My one claim to “fame” in VirtualZone was a silly comedy “Road of Ninja” fanfic I wrote back in the day. Saints, just remembering all the fourth breaking jokes and needless references makes me cringe and shrivel to my core! I have advanced as a writer, at least enough to recognize the mistakes of my past and be haunted by them.
Maybe… maybe what I need is to actually write something. A short tale, a little poem, whatever.
“You haven’t written anything in months, if not an entire year. What would make this different?”
I, I have ideas. I have this whole world in my mind! A tale of generations, about passing the torch from one person to the next. Not connected by blood, but by a shared destiny.
“Well isn’t that interesting? And tell me, who’s going to read that, exactly?”
I…
“Writing should be done for the sake of itself, for the enjoyment of writing.”
“Uh huh. Sure. Tell him that. Without a public to read his stuff, he’ll shrivel up and die. Won’t you? You attention starved asshole.”
I hate it. I hate it because it’s true. My motivation dies so quickly when I don’t feel like someone’s going to read my things… it’s like throwing more and more messages in bottles to the sea, until all I see are bottles floating around me, unattended, ignored. It’s… painful, honestly.
“We can always look for new venues! New sites to post, right? Maybe a new forum?”
“A new forum to be ignored on.”
A sudden sound pushes me out of this depressing spiral and scrambles the voices around me. A new message? Really? From whom? My eyes go back to the computer, where a new window has suddenly pop up. Mesenen is like that, a little invasive, but honestly, the other popular programs are terrible. At least in my eyes.
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: ayyyyy santi!
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: how’s it going man? it’s been a while!
Pepe.
Has it really been a month already? He always checks on me every month or so. That bastard… he’s always been such a good guy, since primary school. I can’t help but smile a little bit, my heart warming up a little bit and my head immediately getting rushed by memories.
The Bohr to my Einstein, my rival…
“Can you imagine how much he would freak out if he heard you refer to him so tenderly?”
I stop myself immediately. Yes, true. Those sorts of thoughts can only get me in all sorts of trouble. I push them back, back I said! To the pits of my mind, where they couldn’t hurt anyone…
Better to answer him quickly, or else he might think I’m ignoring him.
“Or he may think you’re a good for nothing who spends all day on his pc. Oh wait!”
Biting my lower lip a little bit, and putting my empty plate aside, I get to writing.
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: Hey man! n.n
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: Oh you know, it’s going alright. Can’t really complain. uwu
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: What aboutcha? o.o
…
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: tired man, tired like u got no idea.
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: exams are a bitch, am i rite??
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: thanks The Saints it’s over
My hand hits my face so fast that, for a moment, I don’t even realize. Saints damn it, I forgot! The exams were this week, weren’t they!? Another row of exams I’ll just fail by default.
Fuck.
“Welp, there’s no way to recover from that one. It’s official now, you’ll fail most if not all of your classes this semester. Isn’t that funny?”
Panic starts to boil and pushes its way from the bottom of my stomach and through my entire body at prodigious speeds, my eyes are wide open, am I sweating already? No, no no no no, how did I allow it to get to this!? Can’t I fix it somehow?! My hands reach for my hair, pulling down harshly as my breath picks up so much that I start panting.
Fuuuuuuck.
This is it, I will fail the semester, I’ll have to talk with my parents, they will all learn of it. The looks of disappointment on their eyes will kill me, the sadness in their voice as they try to console me. No, no no no.
Wait. Wait. I can still save it. I just have to get a good grade on the next row of exams… for every single class.
“Y-You can afford to fail a few of them, it’s college after all! Everyone fails once or twice.”
“A cope out… Remember highschool, smartass? Aren’t you supposed to be a prodigy or something? Start acting like it, work.”
My body hurts, everything is moving so fast. But yeah, I can do this. I did it before, I used to be a real smart kid… I can do this.
But before anything, I need to answer to Pepe. I don’t like lying to him… so, let’s make a compromise.
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: Pffft. Tell me about it. ewe
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: I hate to be pessimistic but, I think I failed everything this time… u.u
...
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: oh shit, rly??
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: im sorry man…
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: but there’s always the next midterms! u can pick up the pace then
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: Saints know im gonna try too lmfao
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: maybe we’ll end up repeating this time, but we have to keep trying, alright??
“Failing? As if he was capable of that. The bastard’s studying medicine for a reason, he’s the real genius here…”
Shut up. I won’t let you talk about Pepe like that.
“He’s probably pitying us.”
You know he’s incapable of stuff like that. Whatever he says, he means it with all of his heart… the bastard is incapable of being facetious.

xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: Alas, these old bones can’t keep trying forever hahaha. :3
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: I need to pick up the pace. >.<
...
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: man what i’ve told u about talkin like that?
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: Like what? o.o?
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: like an old fart, lmao
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: ur like what, 20? you gotta act ur age man!
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: i bet you are still acting and dressin like an old man too
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: Shirts and coats are cool man! >.
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: no. no their not.
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: at least ur not using that sombrero anymore
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: First off, it’s a Fedora.
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: Second off, shut the fuck up man xD
Honestly, it was a relief for me too that I grew out of the fedora phase. I was still clinging to my long montgomery but, at least the hat was gone! I smile, closing my eyes for a moment. This… was nice. It was always nice to talk to Pepe.
Too bad it only happens once every month.
“You could talk to him more often, you know?”
I have nothing to say, and I don’t want to make things even more awkward than they already are. It’s fine. He knows I mean well… right?
“Does he?”
I… really hope he does.
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: hey man
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: do u like what ur studying?
The question slaps me straight in the face, my eyes widened. It takes me a second to actually react and answer.
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: What do you mean? o.o
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: like, i kno ur goin for law, right?
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: but it kinda came outta nowhere, if u ask me…
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: are u sure this is it?
He’s right. Again.
It did come out of nowhere because, after we graduated from Highschool, I literally had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I would love to write for a living, but that stuff doesn’t pay… and I never liked medicine and such, so…
What other career is expected of a kid with high grades?
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: It’s… a little late to think about that, isn’t it? ówo
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: its never too late man
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: just, think about it
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: ur a smart cookie, maybe ur failin because u dont feel it there
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: my dad still calls u “book eater” from time to time
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: do u still read like before?
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: …
My eyes went to the little bookshelf Venus and I improvised. It wasn’t full, but we had some books… both of us were obsessed with reading back in the day. I’ve read through all of those, even the not-so-good young adult books Venus left behind… but after finishing all of them once, I haven’t really read anything thoroughly in a while.
Maybe that is what I need… damn you, Pepe.
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: I think I will go to the bookstore today. Check out the stuff? :3
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: now that’s the al i know lol
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: enjoy ur vacations, i gotta start doing paperwork for the intern work
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: Take care man!
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: same dude
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’ is now offline
My eyes linger on the conversation for a bit longer. Now that’s a good feeling, so good I can’t even hear my complaints about being “too gay” right now. I am just basking on the echoes of this revelation for a moment, before I get right up. Yes. This was a good plan, this would surely get me out of this funk.
Going back to old, good habits will get me back into the same mindscape I was before, and then maybe, just maybe, I can grasp back on that talent I used to have.
…
“Wait, did he say ‘vacations’???”
Another incoming message interrupts me. When I look, I find it’s not Pepe, but Vito… my heart freezes for a moment.
My brother often tries to reach me, this is not the first time. But I always feel so guilty about the way I treated him when I was younger, I… honestly don’t know how to answer.
But I can’t simply ignore him, can I?
UndeadVito: yo.
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: Hey n.n
UndeadVito: how’s it going bro?
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: It’s going. Not too well, not too bad. uwu
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: I think I flunked my exams but, I’ll try to get better at it next time. u.u
UndeadVito: that sucks man. Im sorry.
There’s a moment of silence. None of us know how to talk to each other… How could we? I’ve been out of the house through the kid’s teenagehood. He probably has a lot of shit on his mind…
Maybe I should ask about that?
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: What about you dude? Is everything okay at school? o.o
UndeadVito: … I’ll survive.
That’s not good. That’s pretty much the opposite of good. Fuuuuck, what would a good sibling do?
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: Talk to me bro, you can tell me. n.n
UndeadVito: nah, don’t worry. I’m just being silly.
UndeadVito: hey hey, what’s the last thing you’ve written?
He’s not fooling me, he’s not fooling anyone, not even himself. But I can’t exactly pry, can I? Do I have the right to?
I read him and all I can remember are the times I made him cry when he was a little kid.
Worst of all, he has always looked up to me. I can’t stand it, knowing what I’ve become… he’s always asking and wondering about my ideas. If only he knew I have done nothing for so long.
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: I’m not working on anything right now
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: You know, with the college and stuff u.u
UndeadVito: awww. okay, I get it.
UndeadVito: you know what you should do?
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: Hmmm? o.o
UndeadVito: you should write a book about mobsters!
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: Pffft xD why mobsters?
UndeadVito: mobsters are cool!
UndeadVito: as your biggest fan, I demand that you write something about mobsters!
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: lol xD
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: I’ll think about it, okay?
UndeadVito: yesssssss.
UndeadVito: are you coming home this weekend?
I haven’t returned home in so long, has it been a month too? Maybe, considering Pepe said we have vacations now (I still have to look into that). Maybe it is time to rest.
“And what, tell our parents the truth? Absolutely not. After all the softness and pity goes off, they will force you to stay in that dump of a town and work at a supermarket or something. Trapped forever there, just wasting away. Game over.”
I flinch. I refuse to fall that far down…
“It wouldn’t be falling, it would simply be taking another way in life.”
I am supposed to graduate college. We are not discussing this now!!
UndeadVito: bro??
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: Ah! O.o Sorry, got busy!
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: I am not sure if I can this weekend, sadly u.u but maybe the one after!
UndeadVito: oh.
UndeadVito: ok.
Why. Why does he care? Why does he insist on caring about me? I haven’t been there for him when he needs me the most and yet he clings?
A part of me wants to go full “tough love” and try to push him away rudely but… come on… he’s my brother. And I was already plenty of bad in the past.
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: You gotta tell me more of that story of yours when I go back, okay? n.n
UndeadVito: huh? oh yeah, I mean, I guess.
UndeadVito: if you really wanna listen.
I know how comforting it is, to hear that someone wants to actually hear and understand your ideas… it’s not much, but I can at least offer him my legitimate attention and opinions. Not that he needs much of my help though, the kid has talent for stories!
“Let’s hope it doesn’t take him the same way it took us.”
…
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: I gotta go uwu you take care, alright?
UndeadVito: will do, boss.
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx is now offline.
Sigh. No more messages for today, this was more than enough… I need something to read, I need to get active again, write, actually do something…
But first, it was time to brush my teeth.
I walk past Venus’ former bedroom, and then turn around. In front of it, there’s the bathroom… and the dreaded mirror. It’s so central on the wall that I can’t really not look at it, and it just takes a little glimpse to look at myself. My hair is a mess, my beard is a mess. I am a mess. I don’t look as fat as I was fearing but, it is an undeniable fact that one sees themselves far more attractive in the mirror than they are in reality.
I must be even worse than this.
Water and a comb do fix things a little but…
“Look at yourself. Look at this ugly mess. This is who you are. No matter how much you’d want to identify as something else, no matter how you try to dress or to do. You can even lose weight, and you’ll still be this. An ugly man. Nothing more.”
Sigh. Tell me something I don’t know…
“It would take work, and a lot of effort… but you could change. Nothing in this life stays the same, we live and thrive in change.”
“She’s delusional, just like you are. If you think you can become like her, go ahead! Try it, chase that stupid delusion… let’s say what mom and dad have to say about it.”
After cleaning myself and properly brushing my teeth, I stop looking at myself in the mirror, grab my montgomery and hurry out of the house. I didn’t want to listen anymore, I didn’t want to think anymore.
I just wanted to buy a damn book and get over with it.