Amahahn was seated at an oval table, a velvety dark green cape with golden hems and patterns draped over his shoulders. Three bowls of Shamal stew were placed on the table, vegetables and fine cut pieces of meat floating in the simmering Kahnjari milk.
“Three bowls. Are we expecting company besides our own, Amahahn?” Emma raised a brow as she plucked the visor cap off her head. Amahahn’s response was a chuckle, low and dry.
“Oh, you must be terribly informed. I’m married to a daughter of one of the noble houses on Kouvajilo”
Emma clenched her jaw and fists, slipping into one of the chairs. She placed her cap on the table, glancing over her shoulder as a door opened.
A young woman with olive skin in a white dress stood in the door, hands clutched at her front. A golden belt sat tight around her slender waist, her sleeves large and loose on her arms.
“Laudjehne, love. Come dine with me and our guest” The Prince Regent motioned to the empty seat at his side.
The girl dipped her head, the white dress floating behind her as she moved. She glided to Amahahn's side, fingers tracing his shoulder as she seated herself.
"It's an honor for me to share the same table as you, Empress. I've read your grandfather's books quite actively"
Emma blinked at the sleek face talking to her.
"Oh, yes. My grandfather's books..." Emma mumbled, picking up the wooden paddle-shaped spoon. She lifted her eyes to met Laudjehne's gaze.
"I've just read 'On the Building of the State' and 'The Laws of Steel and Soil' Laudjehne said, stirring her Shamal. Amahahn scoffed with the ghost of a smirk spread across his lips. Laudjehne's rich blue eyes fell upon her husband, her thin throat bobbing.
Amahahn drew a finger along one of his pale cheeks, his vicious smile persisting. The Prince Regent cast his dark eyes on a steward concealed in the shadows of a corner, the man striding forwards with a clay bottle of sweet wine.
Emma nodded her thanks to the steward, plucking her cup from the table and stirred the orange liquid.
"There's something too that interests me about your grandfather, Your Majesty" Laudjehne said, swallowing a spoonful of the beige stew.
Emma hummed her approval of the inquiry as she drank, the sweet finish of the wine dancing over the taste buds on her tunge.
"It puzzles me greatly how your grandfather persistently denies Goudanja and Kouvajilo's request to be annexed into Simonistan. Why would an empire ever turn another state's request for be anexed into it?"
Emma lowered her spoon, swallowing down her rambling thoughts as well as a spoonful Shamal.
"The Constitution of Simonistan does not permit acts of imperialism. Even if the other party willing approves of annexation into Simonistan, we cannot legally carry out such a request within the boundaries of our legal code"
At that, the Prince Regent chuckled. Emma felt heat flare across her cheek, yet she jutted out her chin to disapprovve of Amahahn's taunt. Already, she knew what was to come.
But Amahahn never dared bring up the topic.
"Oh...that's lofty principles to stand by" Laudjehn murmured, batting her blue eyes. Emma sensed her confusion but chose not to clarify. After all, she could not not clarify her grandfather's mindset.
Perhaps, if only she hadn’t taken so much after him; safe for his openly revolutionary rethoric and lingering autocratic aura, she would have annexed the union of Goudanja and Kouvajilo in a heartbeat.
That very popular man who it pained Emma to know, still considered himself an unrighteous dictator, yet cheered her on as empress.
Her grandfatheer the abdicated emperor, who she honored by making him Speaker of Parliament just so he might keep an eye on and help her during Parliament sessions.
“You wish for your home world to be annexed by Simonistan, Laudjehne?” Emma asked, swallowing down a spoonful Shamal

I have a few products and treatments that I just refuse to be cheap about. For one, I refuse to go to a cheap hairstylist. First off I think this new generation of hair stylists are out of their minds, they cancel the day of the appointment and act like I'm bothering them to do THEIR job. So, Ive started to go to more expansive hair stylists because I don’t get my hair done that often, and these ladies actually care about my hair, and are kind. I get hair treatments around 4 times a year with a trim and all of that and I have noticed that my hair as grown faster than it has in the past. Another thing I refuse to be cheap about is my nails, I only get Russian manicures and because refuse to go “chop shops”. While Russian manicures do cost a little bit more than a regular manicure ($75 for a manicure and $85 for a pedicure) they last so much longer than regular manicures / pedicures. Additionally, I no longer get acrylic nails and only get gel-x nails. I feel acrylic nails never allowed my nails to grow and they always broke off and left me in pain and with gel-x nails I've never had them fall off or break my nails. With that said, what are your beauty products/ treatments that you feel this way about?

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- - - - -
Ceele strolled through the damp grass along the outskirts of the village, a spring in her step and the dwindling scent of dew following behind. It rained yesterday, which had prevented her from going out to gather supplies, but the mild morning air had been accommodating enough for her to get an early start and make the trip. She was glad she did.
One hand clutched her new prize to her chest, while the other held a fraying wicker basket filled with herbs and some edible roots she gathered by exploring the forbidden forest. Despite her reservations regarding where she chose to go, her excitement now lingered like a steady thrum of shifting stones, giving her energy that defied how long she had been walking. She all but pranced beneath the burgeoning night's sky, gleefully toeing the line between the dirt pathways of the settlement’s outskirts and the trees of unclaimed land. Normally, her path back home would never be so close to the village, but she was far too gleeful to mind. She had come back with a sense of fulfillment and a rare object—or if not rare, then hopefully of great value.
It was hard to point to any one specific reason that she came across the orb. There had always been a ‘draw’ during her travels, urging her that there was something missing in her life, yet it was no more than a mild whim to walk in a particular direction more often than not. Once she reached this part of the continent, she was compelled to wander, never quite able to explain why she obliged the sensation besides having nowhere in particular to be. Even when she finally settled somewhere, it stayed in the back of her mind, suggesting that she was close to whatever would make the pit of vacancy go away. She ignored it, purposefully distracting herself with her work and responsibilities, yet that could only last so long. When she awoke this morning with plans to resupply, and all of her newfound spots had been picked clean by wildlife, she turned to the depths of the forest where she was warned not to tread. It was all too easy to follow the subtle tug in her chest through the loose justification.
The urge to be somewhere grew unbearable with every step closer to the forbidden area. That sense of having a direction she needed to go became stronger and stronger, until she was well into land long since forgotten. She came across an overgrown depression in the hillside, and was entranced by the foreboding image. Something about the cave just…beckoned her. She was far too weak to resist.
Horrible tales echoed into her ears as whispers of fearful voices, warning and unending, yet but a dull drone compared to her hammering heart. She navigated the trees and brushed aside unkempt vines, stepping into the cavern with a mix of expectation and trepidation, then laid eyes on the small obsidian stone perched atop a crumbling pillar. The feeling of needing to travel somewhere…stopped.
The pull was absent, which was why she held the orb close instead of placing it into her basket. She wasn’t sure what it was exactly, but she recalled overheard tales of hidden gemstones, deep cavernous expanses, and the untold terrors that lay within. Comparing the scenes of those fables to the cave seemed foolish now; it wasn’t some torturous chamber, but a dusty depression in a small hillside. Besides, anything this pretty was sure to be worth a fair sum, and she needed the coin. Yet the thought of selling the precious-looking stone was a conflicting one. She shook off the thought for the time being, turning her attention back towards where she was going.
Shadows stretched and faded as the moon stole the last of the illumination afforded by the sun, replacing it with a calming glow that caressed the log frames and thatched roofs of various homes. A star-filled sky came into prominence as clouds lazily drifted away, revealing the promise of tomorrow’s fair-weathered arrival. It was too late for anyone to notice her treading on the edge of their town while lost in thought, but she was still careful not to get too close to the houses or livestock pens where people might be finishing the evening’s duties. It was best that they didn’t see her returning from a place she was told not to go. Still, her feet carried her near the dwellings as she took in the noises.
Ceele enjoyed the comforting chatter from a distance. Indistinct words floated freely. Meaningless gossip and warm goodbyes were exchanged between friends and family. Places of various occupations were dark and quiet, only the faint contented mewls and clucks of livestock coming from their pastures as they ate what was recently put out for them. No metal rang throughout the streets as it was struck inside a centralized smithy, no heated bartering came from an overactive trade house, and the crunch of dirt beneath transport or merchant wagons was absent, replaced by the rapid steps and yelps of children rushing to their homes before it got too dark out. It was all just gentle conversation and life drifting through the wind, taking the rustle of leaves along for the ride, just so she could hear it. Tranquil, in a word.
She wondered what it would sound like if she were yet one more voice within that crowd of kindness. Would it be loud like the larger cities? Would she struggle to maintain a thought with so many stray topics floating about? Would she once more yearn for the peace and quiet of solitude that she had grown used to, or would she immerse herself, free of judgment and laughing like the carefree young that scampered about? Did thinking about it even matter?
Her smile fell from its genuine intensity—still worn, but not as fully. She glanced downward as her stride lost its jubilant bounce, her tail losing its sway as her grey eyes examined the dry black scales that adorned her body against her wishes. It was the ugly hue of tarnished oil, unlike the skin of any other kobold she had met. Some had reds or greens, yellows or whites, while most were between a sandy tan or earthen brown. The rainbow of peculiarities was displayed by the lucky few, and she was one of them…
…Yet she was different in the worst of ways.
Even if she would rather any other colour, she supposed it was that way to make sure no one came near without accepting the unspoken risks. That was what her mother always said, anyway, though the woman hardly feared much of anything in her old age, and dedicated herself to giving her offspring all the love she had left to give—a perk of living a full life. She would always help her daughter bathe, complimenting the colour of what most were unnerved by. That was more than a decade ago now, however. Ceele’s parents had passed on while she was still young, and she took to travelling not long after, working at what she could to afford what little she needed. Never for long, though—just enough to get to the next town between where she was and where the urge to go lay. There were certainly moments she looked back on fondly, but the journey had taken its toll.
The crude material of her ‘dress’ was coarse, old, and heavy, but it helped ease the worst of spring's chill—even if it was more of a modified sack than proper attire. Still, it was all she had after the last of her clothing fell apart, and giving the repurposed material a name that reminded her of something else made it less uncomfortable to wear, somehow. It would have to do until she could afford a pitying seamstress or the like. Until then, she would pretend she didn’t look so desperate, even if it only highlighted her status and made finding work difficult.
But it did. The dishevelled garment was a far cry from the wonderful silks or breathtaking designs she had seen some women wear, harshly marking the distinction between herself and those of affluence. The clothing of commoners was also a leap in style and quality, so she couldn't say her attire was up to even modest standards. No matter how hard she squinted, and no matter how much she fantasized otherwise, she seemed every bit like the vagrant she was, down to the soil embedded in the curvature of her claws and the stains throughout her fabrics. She looked like a serf from the more oppressed lands, yet they too wore crude cottons, which said a lot about how she appeared to those who had never lived a life of servitude. It was obvious that she was an outsider. That she didn't belong amongst the rest. It made changing something as simple as her appearance all the more difficult; prospective employment always saw a young woman who seemed more likely to steal or swindle than make an honest day’s living.
There was one good twist of fate in recent memory, however, and she came upon the result of it after leaving the slowing bustle of the village behind. Her steps carried her through a small copse of trees on the outskirts of town, the small shaded path leading to the back of a large, carefully pruned clearing, a scattering of fruit-bearing trees providing even darker shadow than the already dim moonlight. She skirted along the aging fence on the border that kept predatory animals away, carefully hoisting herself over the barrier where a large vegetable garden she was responsible for tending resided. If one were to tell her she would be living in such an area several months ago, she would have smiled politely and walked away, yet here she was.
A modest, warmly lit home occupied the middle of the clearing, sitting front and centre when one approached from the village path. It looked quite cozy, surrounded by berry bushes that were just beginning to bloom as the last dregs of winter slipped away. A front patio displayed a nice table and well-loved chairs, the rustic appearance only adding to its charm as a place where friends and family spent the warm summer afternoons. A smithy to the left of the house functioned as an additional heated building during the colder months, but usually served as a storefront and to muffle the sounds of hammered iron, though that had become less common. An old stable was nearby, close enough to be accessible, but not so close as to disturb the once occupying animals with sounds of iron craft. It hadn't seen a horse in quite some time, apparently, so it was mostly a workshop for whatever tasks didn’t require fire or metal.
There was a long history attached to each little detail—from the scuffs along the wooden siding to the depressions in the ground where daily routine wore into the earth. Every fault suffered throughout the years was matched by a thousand quirks that made it feel welcoming, like the house itself was merely waiting for the next friendly face with one of its own. She knew that the inside of each building would look just as cared for.
Her concern lay outside, however. It was a comparatively miniscule space just barely visible through the sheltering trees, true, yet it was where her efforts turned into tangible results, and where a stranger’s trust was painstakingly repaid. Once overgrown grass had been laboriously trimmed, the weeds plucked and disposed of, and now nothing distracted from what she could claim she had done.
The small plots of rock-bordered soil had little buds of growing vegetables, a sense of pride never failing to bloom in her breast with the knowledge that it would be barren without her touch. When her troubles and concerns grew heavy, and fears of the future or spectres of the past loomed over her head, she could look at where she had brought life where it wouldn't otherwise be. Some days, that was enough. She smiled in appreciation at what was admittedly amateur work, the night’s sky helping to hide any inevitably made mistakes.
She enjoyed the sight for a moment longer, then turned to walk towards a neglected old tool shed that was well out of sight within the trees, far away from whatever warmth and comfort the larger house offered to everyone and anyone. She put a hand on the degrading wood of the entryway, giving one last sad smile at the garden as she dismissed selfish thoughts of taking the eventual harvest for herself. A breath cleared the uncertainty from her voice, and she pushed open the door.
“I'm home!”
= = = = =
It took a while for Altier to adjust to his situation, and even once he accepted that his mana wasn't being siphoned, he was still reeling from confusion. He had spent centuries with every year passing by without his notice, yet now he was painfully aware of each creeping second languidly dragging on with the expediency of growing grass. It was as disorienting as it was painfully nostalgic.
Time was something he was never good with, and it only got worse as a dungeon. He'd get lost in creating rooms, corridors, creatures, and whatever else needed doing, only pausing to watch or listen to the few adventurers he became interested in. There was a stint where he spent what felt like hours agonizing over new abilities or options while he let the system manage things in the background, though he supposed it might have been much longer. So many wasted days, yet he still hadn't managed to try everything he had gained access to. Some abilities were simply too niche, came with concerning titles, or held descriptions that made him wary. Anything with ‘Decay’ in the name was instantly ignored—he didn't need more reasons to fear his affinity, and from the few he took the effort to read through, they were always vile.
But his existence for the moment was no longer like those endless stretches spent pondering the minutiae of what would help his adventurers grow stronger. Now, he could follow the rhythmic sounds of footsteps and steady breathing that set a calming pace. They were someone else's, yes, but they contextualized how easy it was to slip away without the subtle noises of life that he had long since surrendered to help his family. Of course, there were more differences that he noticed since being removed from his crumbling cavern, and his sight was the newest change.
He never gave much thought to how far he could see before. Why would he? As a man, his world extended as far as he could fathom, yet was also confined to the room where he spent his days, and as a dungeon… Well, who was he to consider distance when an event happening miles away could be seen with a flicker of thought? Nothing was too far when it was within his creation. Or his ‘body,’ he supposed. Sadly, his entire perception currently consisted of the small sphere of his obsidian core, and maybe a finger's length beyond it—which is to say, not much. He could make out the fine details in the dirty burlap he was held against, and how pale moonlight slowly took over the blurred reds of sunset, but hardly anything more. It was all just frosted colours after a certain point, and he found it infinitely frustrating. He just wanted to peer beyond the haze and scaly hand holding him to confirm that the sky he remembered was still there. Alas, the sunlight faded at too quick a pace, yet one oh so agonizingly slow.
The ensuing darkness gave him nothing to do but think about where he was, not that he had any ideas. He was too curious about why he wasn't dead to bother much with his blurry surroundings after the soft-spoken kobold abducted him, thus why he only belatedly noticed how limited his worldview had become. There might have been a forest beyond his cave, but the greens and browns were gone, and the sounds of steps through brush was replaced by the distant din of a village. An idle curiosity pondered if he would recognize any descents of his ‘family tradition’ adventurers there, but he was being carried by what most considered a monster, so likely not.
That short musing was short-lived, however, and he brought his focus back to the matter at hand. He supposed he was being taken somewhere specific, but that was an obvious deduction, considering he was taken at all. The why of the matter was less so; for what purpose would someone want a Decay-aligned core? He hadn’t heard of them before…well, before he was made into one, but he couldn’t imagine many uses. Maybe he was being sold? His…kidnapper? His sudden companion seemed rather pleased by their discovery of him, so that might be the case, and it was morbidly amusing to think that a frail, sickly young man might one day become a coveted, highly valuable item. His abduction could also be a part of some cult’s nefarious activities, but he didn't want to think about that too hard. He experienced enough odd ceremonies from the adventurers who took the time to tell him their tales.
Either way, he wasn't in the dungeon anymore, and he couldn’t see where he was going. He tried to query his menu to glean an answer, but was met with a scrambled mess he suspected read ‘Synchronizing…’ and little else. It gave him a headache trying to make sense of it—which he didn't know was possible anymore—so he dismissed the text and distracted himself with blurs from whatever diluted senses he still had. There wasn’t much to observe other than the constant footfalls and the flicker of shadows on his companion’s burlap garment. They might have travelled through brush again, but it was too dark to really say for certain.
Eventually, there was something new. He heard an old latch rattle and rusted door hinges groan, then a shuddered clack that confirmed he was now in a building. His kobold acquaintance gently cooed at something before moving about the nearly pitch-black space, finally setting him down on a… He wasn’t sure what it was, besides old and wooden.
[D$#@m$n E@$*ded]
The headache from before became a blinding migraine that suffocated him under a flash-flood of suffering. Seconds passed in abject torture until it blissfully abated, the mental blinks clearing his mind enough to notice a change in his existence. Specifically, he could actually see something besides the rotting wood grain he was placed on top of.
And it wasn’t anything promising…
He was more or less in the centre of a room no bigger than twelve paces by maybe ten. Not a terrible size for a space, but it was clearly never meant to house someone. His resting place looked about as neglected as he surmised; it was an upturned feeding trough, he supposed, since calling it a table seemed too generous. The surface was rife with holes and degraded iron, so it was something that once saw regular use before being replaced and tossed into storage, never to see the light of day again.
Actually, most things in the room seemed to fit that description. The window shutters were installed with metal hinges that had since rusted them closed, the misalignment letting in a draft—and whatever weather was outside as well, most likely. A poorly carved bowl sat on the floor, the stain beneath it hinting that it collected any rainwater that slowly dripped from the leaky roof. The wooden floorboards looked old, splintered, and in need of maintenance or replacement, though an effort had been put into abrading it somewhat smooth lately.
A tiny and decrepit fireplace was to the left of the door upon entry, its brickwork slowly crumbling due to weathering and age. It was sized more for keeping the room warm during mild days than to keep away the frigid chill of night. Its base only held cold ashes, but there was a collection of deadwood and scraps nearby, so that would probably be rectified soon. A small wheel-less cart had been turned into storage against the opposite wall, some herbs and other foraged items stowed away in it for future use. Various things he remembered seeing his father and brothers use in the fields were scattered about, too. It was nostalgic to see, honestly, even if his recollections had blurred over time.
Bundles of tattered blankets formed a pair of nests in the far corner, the smaller of the two had a pile of rough plants nearby. That answered his silent pondering of the room's purpose somewhat, though he was pretty sure the bedding material was salvaged, and there didn’t seem to be any hay or padding underneath whoever was sleeping on it. He didn’t know what to think about the weeds; they were purposefully placed there, and whoever did so had taken the time to wash them, but it was still strange.
He couldn’t see a doorway besides the entrance, yet most of the hallmarks of residency were put where space could be afforded, however crude. All in all, he surmised that it was a gardening shed of sorts, and his new acquaintance apparently lived here. He wasn't sure what he was expecting when a creature he had only read about came into his dungeon, but it wasn't being brought to a rundown and decrepit shack for unknown purposes.
Even if he had been raised by parents who made a humble living at the best of times, and they had emptied their coffers for unsuccessful attempts to ease his ailments, his acquaintance's living space made him uncomfortable. His family's house was never anything fancy, true—it shared some of the worn qualities that inevitably gathered over the years—but it was never this bad. His home benefited from a father's touch keeping it robust and a mother’s love keeping it warm, whereas this place had seen neither in quite some time. Oh, there was evidence that such was once the case; a wall was adorned with carefully made and well-spaced hangers for the various gardening tools, though the implements themselves had become a victim of neglect. That being said, he could make out the fresh soil and recent scratches exposing furrows of silver, so they were seeing use again.
A scrape and clack of flint drew his attention to his kobold companion. They were kneeling in front of the fireplace, methodically sparking life back into a dead flame with twigs and dried leaves. A slow, steady breath into the reddened base illuminated its face with a dull orange glow, revealing its weary visage and the permanently etched smile that rested beneath its cold grey eyes. The black-scaled kobold looked tired, if he were to guess—much the same as Altier did when he spent countless days watching everyone living a life he could never have through the mossy window of his bedroom. He was probably humanizing it too much. Still, he was surprised by the muted pang of sympathy, and how he would feel much more than blithe curiosity after spending so much time alone in the crumbling crypt of his own making.
A mental breath cycled through him as he looked at the odds and ends yet to be observed. Hardly anything else was of note—everything else was degraded and neglected, too. He did notice a nest of blankets move though, which was as good a distraction as any. The answer to his previous ‘pile of weeds’ inquiry poked a tiny nose from a crease in the fabric, then rapidly pawed at the blankets to dig itself out. Altier stared at the creature in both recognition and confusion.
It was a rabbit…or at least it looked like one, assuming you were to also describe a porcupine and a sea urchin as well. He was pretty sure he didn’t remember any hare that had jagged metal-tipped fur, nor that had said fur arranged into a row of spiked horns that flowed down its spine, terminating at a large fluffy tail, which was equally bizarre to see. The whole of its coat could double as a weapon, with semi-sharp barbs sticking off seemingly at random, yet he remembered an adventurer saying most animals used that sort of thing defensively. He increased his focus as he tried to make sense of the odd creature. Surely he would have heard about—
[Hoppittttttt#%%÷ — Ferro-o-orabbit-it (Ma%$le)
Abil—]
[Null]
[Er0Rrrrrrrr—]
[Und#$f—]
He bit back the pain caused by the sudden intrusion of his menu, blanking out the text and mentally retreating to hide from the source. Did he just inspect something? How? Shouldn’t his entire…‘framework,’ was it…? Yes, that was it. Shouldn’t that have been corrupted? Why could he see the creature’s information when his entire framework was damaged? That was the first ability he lost, so why is it the first to be functional? How was it functional? Was it? It did just spit garbled text at him, but it was something, and that was more than he had gotten from it in a very long time. If it was somehow working—no matter how poorly—then that left the question of why he hadn't heard of anything called a ‘ferrorabbit’ before, assuming he read that correctly.
A soft thud vibrated the tro— table, startling him out of thought. He turned his attention to the button nose wiggling erratically at him, the short, stubby muzzle leading to surprisingly expressive and curious red eyes. Dull brown fur jutted off in random tufts and patches, changing to a darker tint on its paws and the upper half of its ears, while the tips of its spikes were a muted hue of iron. It still seemed just as soft as the less pointed variety he remembered, if a touch dirty. Upright ears twitched this way and that way as its head vigorously shook, eventually settling on pointing in his direction when it calmed down enough.
It was apparent that he had its undivided attention…for all of a few seconds. His scaly companion called something out in their foreign tongue, and whatever conclusion the pointy-furred animal came to, it seemed more interested in the kobold, parting from him after nudging his core with its nose.
[Cre-e-e—]
[Errrrrrr0r: Undefiiiiiiii—]
[Acceeeeep-t-t-t??]
[Yeeee— s s / Nnnnnnn—]
He winced at the intrusion, but the contents detracted from the pain. He couldn’t remember the system ever asking him a question without his explicit intent being involved. It wanted him to…accept something? Was it the system prompting him, or the animal? What was he to accept?
[Creatuuuuu—]
[Acce-e-e-%#@ed!]
…What?
= = = = =
“Hoppit, that's not food!” Ceele admonished half-heartedly, placing a larger branch on the burgeoning flame before she got to her feet. She wasn’t actually that worried; the stone was as big as his head, and she was pretty sure he couldn't bite into it. Hopefully. “Come here, momma has a treat for you!”
The ferrorabbit playfully bumped the gemstone and jumped off the low table, landing with a soft thud that belied how heavy he was for his tiny size. He wiggled in excitement, his ears flailing and releasing a slight clack whenever the two connected. It got even louder when she grabbed her basket and put away the useful herbs, taking out a specific item that she had gathered just for him. The little bun wasted no time in scurrying over and standing tall on his hind legs to judge if the offered plant was to his liking—and it was, based on how he dug in with enthusiasm. She stifled a laugh as she contentedly watched him nibble away on the treat, ignoring the guilt that came with knowing she couldn't afford proper vegetables for him. He had a hard life too, and it tore at her to have so little to give.
She came across Hoppit a year ago, during a storm that worsened while she was travelling between towns. The day had darkened to night in spite of it still being about noon, but the weather didn't care for how bright it was supposed to be. Wind and rain became a typhoon, forcing her to seek shelter in a thankfully abandoned den of what was probably a larger animal. She was fine with waiting out the squall, since the stone roof over her head was more than she usually had back then, but the sounds of dull bangs and thuds near her hideaway was followed by cries of animals yelping in pain. Curiosity won over reason, and she left the safety of her shelter to see what was causing the disturbance. Truthfully, she was hopeful that she'd come across scraps or the like, her hunger driving her forward, and she could always turn back if it seemed dangerous. Yet when she arrived at the source of the commotion, she found herself thinking of anything but food.
Two predators had fought over a small burrow, both trying to dig out a meal and taking offence to the other doing the same. What they didn’t know was that they were assaulting the home of ferrorabbits. Specifically, the home of an angry, protective, and well-fed mother that was keeping her newborns safe from the storm when predators decided to try their luck. From the scene Ceele came across, it was certainly obvious why most people dislike trying to hunt the creatures.
Sadly, the rabbit didn't survive an attack from two predators, but she did make their victory pyrrhic; neither could do much about their hunger with their bodies full of cuts and holes, and it was only a matter of time before they succumbed to blood loss or infection. The mother's sacrifice meant that the babies had avoided the imminent threat, but they were left unattended as a consequence, and it took an opportunistic bird swooping down to shake Ceele out of her shock. Despite her subsequent hurry, she only acted in time to save one of the orphaned young. The warren was new and barely dug out, which meant that it didn’t take much effort for the kits to be found—by both her and hungry maws. All she could do was scoop the ball of fluff into her arms and run back to the cave before anything else tried to eat it.
In retrospect, it was a stupid decision for a number of factors. She barely had the resources to supply herself, and an attempt to raise offspring of any type would only make the inevitable heartbreak worse. But when she saw how quiet and scared he was… How his tiny, shaking body calmed in her arms, those terrified red eyes seeking comfort… She should have just walked away when she knew there wasn’t going to be anything to fill her stomach. She should have put the baby animal down and let nature take its course…yet the preciously furry face stole her heart far too quickly for it to grow so cold. The next day was spent backtracking to the nearest town to get him something suitable to eat, which used most of her meagre savings. Still, it was worth every coin.
Hoppit had been accompanying her ever since. He grew quickly, transitioning from something she saved that stormy night into a presence she had grown to love like a child. The little lagomorph would bounce along beside her during her travels, then ride in her arms as he rested—though the latter happened with worrying frequency as of late. She hadn’t learned much about the springy herbivores, but she knew enough to say that he wasn't as big as he should be, nor was his fur as sharp. No matter how startled he was, his spiky coat never managed to do more than stiffen slightly, which was apparently a side effect of poor diet, according to snippets of conversation she had overheard on the topic. She wanted him to be healthy, but she didn't know what he needed. Not many farmers raised ferrorabbits, and those that did were far away, so she didn’t have anyone to ask what she should be doing. Her best course of action was to give him what little she had.
Ceele was well aware of how he would be better off on his own, but he followed her whenever she tried to set him free. Hoppit just kept launching into her arms and wiggling his ears, ecstatic that he was with her again, uncaring that food was scarce and that they spent most of their days travelling. No amount of cold nights spent bundling up under the tattered blankets she managed to find ever dampened his spirits, and he was content to eat the grass or flowers whenever he felt like it, oblivious to the fact that he wasn’t getting enough nutrition. He would dig and excitedly drag back oddities that he found, and the one time he found a plant that looked particularly good for him, he insisted that it be shared with her.
A black pit still lingered in her chest when she recalled how pleased he was while he munched on the rare vegetable he discovered, then how distressed he became when she wouldn’t have any as well. He bumped and nipped at her, all but begging her to eat. His ears pinned back against his head, his fur bristled in a way she hadn’t seen since. It was only when she took a small bite and let him inspect the new teeth marks that he seemed to calm down, but perhaps she had been looking too deep into the actions of her tiny friend. All she could say for certain was that he was scared she was going hungry.
A morbid thought wondered if his first mother had refused food shortly before being attacked, and he—as small and simple as he was—had connected the two events in his mind, making him absolutely terrified that something would happen if Ceele didn’t have something too. All of that fear, and desperation overwhelmed him, just because she was happier watching him eat. She was determined to erase that issue. She would find something that needed a worker and earn enough to feed them both. One day, she would be able to smile at how big and healthy her little fluffy boy had become, but until then, it was becoming increasingly difficult not to think about how she was spending so much time growing vegetables and fruit that he couldn’t have…
Every morning was an exercise in tending to the gardens while actively shoving down images of a pleased ferrorabbit happily eating the results. That never went well; no matter how determined she was to complete her duties without a single selfish thought, most tasks were done while picturing his full belly and delighted bounces. There were a few weeks until the fastest of the crops would be ready for harvest, and Ceele would have to collect them while fighting the urge to bring back just a few for him.
She couldn’t, because she knew exactly how quickly that could escalate. It would start small—A vegetable here, a fruit there—but seeing Hoppit happy was one of the precious few good things she had in her life. Crossing the line would only become easier each time. They couldn’t risk losing their new home over greed, and she was already betraying the trust given to her by housing a wild animal, especially one known to be a pest for crops. She didn't want to know how angry it would make her benefactors if she was caught taking their vegetables for one.
No matter how tame and precious Hoppit was, and no matter how well he listened, they would only see him as the same creature that ruined harvests in droves. Thus was why she had to tell him to stay cooped up by himself while she was working or scavenging. And to her surprise, he did.
Honestly, she had made the initial request with the expectation of needing to carry him back into their home until he understood that she wasn’t leaving him forever. There wasn’t much she could do to stop the ferrorabbit from digging through the old wooden building if he wanted to get out. He wouldn’t need to damage anything either—a rotting board on the door only needed a little push to nudge it out of the way, and his natural curiosity made sure he was aware of it. But no, Hoppit was well-behaved as always, keeping hidden until she walked through the door, where he would leap from the shadows to personally show her how good he was and how he stayed put like she asked him to. It never stopped amazing her that he had such a surprising level of understanding despite being an animal, and that was to say nothing of how young he was.
All that intelligence, joy, and companionship he offered her…and yet the best she could give back to him was the weeds from the garden and the odd plant she found while scavenging…
Soft clacks of flicking ears dragged her from her pondering, her mind returning to the present. Hoppit finished his treat of the small plant, then bounced in place and scurried over to his bowl of water, perfectly happy to have eaten only that. He was so joyful with how little she provided, approaching every day of scarcity with the same enthusiasm she could never muster, as if certain that everything would be alright.
“It’s bedtime, Hoppit,” Ceele announced through a soft sigh, stoking the fire with enough branches to hopefully last the night. The ferrorabbit perked an ear in her direction, then sat on his haunches to extend the rest of himself up, his two little forepaws adorably held to his chest as he inspected the room like he always did. She smiled and made sure everything was stored away, then laid down on her bundle of blankets, covering herself with the warmest one. Hoppit bolted over to snuggle once he decided everything in the shed was up to his standards, throwing himself to the floor in a dramatic flop of comfort. Her quiet laughter subsided as they both settled in for the night, her tail completing the rabbit’s encompassing cuddle, but her eyes fell towards the obsidian orb on the table, her thoughts following suit.
It sat there, just as she left it, as benign as anything else ever placed atop the improvised furnishing. Yet there was a sense of ease and purpose as well. The old wooden trough seemed…important with its adornment firmly laid upon its surface, and she couldn’t puzzle out why. She was starting to doubt her earlier excitement.
Should she sell it? Would anyone know where it came from? Would anyone know what it was, or if it was worth anything? If she could get even a modest sum for it, she would be able to buy clothing, food, and new bedding. It would be easier to convince someone to give her work if she was dressed better and wasn’t so thin, and then she would have the income to slowly improve both of their lives. She could pay for a wandering merchant to ask a ferrorabbit rancher about the animal, even if it would take time to get back to her, or maybe she could hire a local if they needed to go near one for some reason. The cost didn’t matter to her as long as it happened.
But there was something else bothering her about the idea of selling the stone. She had travelled so far with a tug in her chest, only for the feeling of wanderlust to dissipate as soon as she held it. Was that a sign? She was never one for things like ‘fate,’ but a niggling doubt in her mind discouraged the idea of making a profit off her discovery. Even if what she could gain was so very tempting, and even if Hoppit would be happier if she did…
She tore her dampened eyes away and closed them, ignoring the burning trails running across her face. It would be another early morning, and she needed to sleep so she could take care of the garden. Decisions like this could wait. Once she had nothing else distracting her, and she had time to properly think about it, she would see how she felt about the stone.
Eventually, she dozed off with Hoppit pressed against her chest, and a longing in her heart.
Next
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A/N: Patreon and Ko-fi will be 1 chap ahead this time around, and I've set it so everything from the lowest tier up can read the newest trashfire! Anything above that is sheer show of love. Hope you enjoyed!

Hi I just came across a novel, chosen by the moon novel by izabella W. Its on pay by chapter websites, I've opened and read a few chapters but I can't seem to find any free version or chapter version anywhere. Please help. If anyone has read it I'm willing to take spoilers. Here's the advert I found below of it on Facebook.
Lycanthrope species is a disgusting race. And I, Delan Riley, am nothing more than a human scum in their eyes never expected those species would turn my world upside down. Since when the lycans managed to penetrate our town, like in the early 1900's we have a hierarchy, upper class = the lycans, middle class = mated humans, and lower class = the normal humans, who were basically considered scum. I endured their torment day after day, vowing to run away from them one day, until that day came and everything changed.
Dylan POV "Humans," I scowled at the principal's words from tannoy. "The Alpha twins will be celebrating their birthday tomorrow, as such, festivities are in order." Oh great, the Alphas twin children. Adrian and Arya are the worst lycans alive. I swear just because they are the alphas kids they literally get away with everything. If their birthday is tomorrow, then the wolves are going to be worse than ever. "All students will be present to greet them, two lines will be made, with humans on the left and the lycanthrope on the right. Any mated human will be at the front of the line for their year, you will all also be in order of your school year. That is all." Chat broke out the minute the tannoy was finished. "We haven't had a school gathering since the alpha king visited three years ago, before his sons coronation." Nick was right, the last time we all gathered like that was for the king and queens visit, when he decided to let the world know that he was to renounce his title to his only child, son Josh. "That sick bestard, he wants to make sure everyone is there so those idiot twins can find their mates." Yes I was mad, my fists connected with the table in front of me once more as I thought about how disgusting the situation was. You see the twins will be turning 17, so it's very possible someone in our school could be their mate, finding a mate is sacred to a wolf, the minute they say that one word your fate is sealed. They will turn your mind, morph you into being a lover of their kind, and then you'll give in.

That won't happen to me, I'm growing old to see the world as it once was, and I'm going to choose who I'll be with. No one will take that dream away from me.

Once dinner was finished, I just wanted to sleep. I'd had a very long tiring day, I quickly sat down on a small stool my mother kept in the storage closet and removed my shirt while my brother Freddy sat at the table to do his simple homework. It wasn't long before my mother came in with a large bowl of warm salt water and some cotton, this was going to sting I just knew it. She was here to help me with the wounds caused by wolves yesterday. She slowly began to unwrap the bandage from around my torso and slowed down drastically when it came to the final layer, I felt it peel off every wound and my fists clenched in pain. "Jesus!" I heard my mom exclaim once the dressing was completely removed. The air on my back was nice though and I sighed as my arm covered my once again exposed brests. "This is more than 15!" I began to hear sniffles coming from her and sighed turning round to look at her face, only to notice tears streaming down it. "Mom I'm fine, it's alright." She shook her head. "It's not alright, I'm your mother I shouldn't let these things happen. I'm so sorry. Your father would have..." here she goes again. Every single time something happened she'd always bring up dad, it really annoyed me because no matter how much we all wish he was here, he just isn't. My father was kiled by THEIR kind, almost 5 years ago when they actually managed to take over. When the lycans managed to penetrate our town my father rose up with some people from the neighborhood, to defend our livelihood, it was futile to say the least. We lost many people and I watched as my dad was ripped apart by two fully shifted wolves, I ended up shoting him to stop his suffering before they dragged me to the courtyard, i was the person to receive the first lashing of the town when I was 12! The wolves have been pretty strict with me since that day. "Stop being stvpid!" Was I harsh? Definitely! Did she need to hear it again, absolutely. "Dad is dead, we don't know what he'd do because he never knew this life. He never knew this world." I know what he'd have done, most likely attacked the guy who held the whip and got himself kiled in the process. "The best thing you can do for me, is stop crying and help me, next time don't insist on helping if you can't handle it." She began to wash my open wounds with the warm salt water causing loud winces to leave me, I knew it was necessary to prevent infection, but my god it hurt like a betch. "Some of these are really deep Dylan!" She sniffed again and my eyes rolled in my head. "I told you, I'm fine, just wrap me back up so I can get to bed." My mom was obviously more impacted by my injuries than I was, I suppose that always the case though. When it's happening to you, you've just got to get through it but when it's happening to someone you love, you just want to take their pain away. She quickly placed a fresh bandage around my waist and chest and wrapped it tightly for compression. The bowl of water that was used was now red in color, I guess from the blood my back was dripping with. "Can you keep your head down please? At least just this week. You can't take any more lashings." I simply nodded before standing up away from the stool, I walked over to Freddie and ruffled his hair in affection. "Good night squirt." He giggled and fixed his hair slightly. "Night Dilly." I smiled walking upstairs to my little bedroom, as soon as I was inside i shut the door and flopped down on to my bed on my stomach and I took a minute to cry to myself at the pain in my back, what my mom did was important but it hurt, not that I'd ever tell her. My hand covered my mouth quickly to muffle any noise I might be making. I couldn't tell anyone, I had to be strong because more and more people were crumpling these days, and my mom would break if she knew how much I was suffering. Sleep followed me shortly after, she was right though about me needing to keep my head down for the time being, I could not take another lashing! After a long night and an even longer morning, we were all finally stood in the hallway at school waiting for the twins to arrive. "Mine!" Everyone that was stood in the hallway tensed up, as we were seniors, me and Nick were stood towards the very back of the human line. All the mated people were situated directly opposite their wolf mates in their years. We stayed silent and still as Arya walked down the hall and stopped directly in front of Nick. His eyes widened in fear, unsure of wether to look up or keep his head lowered. "Look me in the eye, mate." He glanced at me slightly as if asking what he should do. "I said, look me in the eye." He slowly moved his eye line up to look at her face. I took a glance myself to see her eyes pitch black with lust. "I... can't... I mean... erm." Before he was able to mutter anything else, two wolves from opposite, grabbed him out of the line and dragged him behind Arya. "Hey!" My head shot up before I could stop myself. My mouth also forgot its place as I jumped out of line. Everyone's head shot to me as my eyes widened in realization at what I'd done. Adrian, the other twin, walked up to me before punching me right in the stomach, I doubled over instantly. Feeling the sting in my slightly healed back. "I know you... You were publicly flogged only two days ago." God I hate this guy. "I also have it on good authority, that you openly spoke out against our rules and regulations in yesterday's class." My head shot down the line slightly to see Erin, looking a little frightened, her mate, the beta to be was looking at her, nodding his head in reassurance. "You traitor, you grassed on your own kind?" I yelled at her before feeling a fist connect with my cheek. My head whipped to the side from the force, while my class members gasped. I'm so done with this treatment, right then, I wasn't in charge of my actions. My fists curled up and my stance became a lot more defensive. My head snapped up to the alpha to be, and I looked him in the eye. "You don't know the meaning of the word disrespect." I suddenly hurled my fist towards his head, which he easily dodged, but my foot came up and kicked him instead. He stumbled backwards from the force with wide eyes. "You... you Actually hit me!" He didn't even sound annoyed, more shocked. Everyone in the hallway was watching, waiting for the alpha to do something but instead he simply stood up straight, regaining his composure. "I think everyone should get back to class." He began to walk away, following his sister when I called him back. "What about Nick?!" "Simple, He's my sisters mate. He now belongs to her." Argh, he's not an object. "He's not her property." A chuckle left his mouth, before turning his back to me again. "All humans are property." A short while later everyone made it to science class, our teacher Mrs Mathews is mated to the lycans pack doctor, she also now has a four and two year old with him. She was one of the first humans to be cohered into a false relationship. "What were you thinking young lady?" I rolled my head at her before looking at the empty seat next to mine. Nick was with that stvpid wolf girl right now. Being changed, I'm so angry it's ridiculous. "I was thinking, this guy is being a prick. Did you hear him? 'All humans are property.' It's bull shet." I looked up and the whole class looked at me like I had three heads. Talking shet about wolves is one thing, but talking about an alpha is punishable by death, attacking an alpha is an even worse offense. There was then a knock at the door and in walked Erin and her band of mated bestards. "Sorry we're late Mrs." "Erin, how are things between you and bata Monroe?" She blushed, the traitor actually blushed at the mention of his name. "He spoke to me last night about trying for a baby. We need a good strong boy to take over as beta." I scoffed looking at her as she took her seat. "You guys are actually pathetic, why can't it be a girl? Those mutts are basically Neanderthals" I voiced my opinion and saw all the shocked faces around me. Calling the lycans mutts, is the same as them calling us scum. After lesson had ended the entire school was called into the hall for assembly. This is where any human who has been found to have broken the rules were punished, usually 10 lashings were goven out or something similar. "Welcome to the school assembly, congratulations to the alpha twins for finding both your mates. Now on to the business at hand, as the 5 year anniversary of the new world is coming up, we have been informed that the alpha king will be visiting our district next week, this is very exciting news. We want you all to look your absolute best, she wolves and mated females will wear exemplary dresses made by seamstress. Male wolves and mated men will wear tailored suits. Anyone who doesn't comply will be reprimanded." The Alpha King?! No one has met him yet, he took over the throne three years ago when he turned 18. He really didn't make any appearances though, great, this month is going to be a nightmare. "As for the humans, you will be given a new uniform to wear for the visit, these are to be neatly ironed and worn to the highest standard. As for the following humans, based on your attitude this past week, you will be coming to the front and facing punishment. Tony summerset?!" Tony's head shot up as he looked around, he was in the year below but he shared my views when it came to the lycans. He slowly walked up to the front of assembly, almost instantly his top was t0rn in two and he received 10 lashings. A girl named Kara was next and she too received 10 lashings. A few more people went up slowly accepting their fate then suddenly my name was called. "Dylan Riley." Inside I was terrified but I simply shrugged my shoulders, I guess I did kind of expect this. Although I'm not sure if my back can take any more damage. "You attacked an alpha, correct!" His eyes bored into mine as I bowed my head submitting to his authority. "Technically, no." Everyone in the school gym looked on in fear, as my head moved to the front row of the wolf side. Adrian sat, with a werewolf girl in the year below, her name was Jana, I guess he found his mate. Nick and Arya were no where to be seen though. Adrian gave me a shrug as if to say he didn't tell, before smirking at my comment. "He hasn't officially taken the alpha title yet, so he's just..." i looked at the principle and noticed his eyes black and his claws out, he was in what lycans call a half shift, triggered when the subject has become angered. He turned to two security wolves and gave them a nod, Almost immediately i was forced onto my knees, my arm was slammed on a table and held in place by one wolf, while my body was held in place by the other. "Ok, I don't think this is needed, I have alpha blood, a stvpid human girl can't hurt me." My head snapped to Adrian who had stood up in front of the school to stop what was happening. "Nevertheless, humans need to know their place." With that the pressure on my arm increased as our principals hand pulled my sleeve up before a long claw punctured my skin. The searing pain shoting from the fresh wound had my eyes scrunched and my fist clenched, I bit the inside of my cheek hard instantly tasting blood, however no sound left my mouth. He continued to write, using my skin as a canvas and his claws as a marker, it went on forever, my vision blurred slightly at one point as I turned my head away. After minutes of torture, he was done and the pressure on my arm eased, instantly I snatched my arm away, hissing through my teeth at the pain. I was about to scurry off stage, when I was roughly grabbed yet again, my arm being held in the air by the principal while my feet were inches off the floor, blood dripped from the wound and the pattern he had made was on show for everyone to see. Loads of people gasped, even the wolves looked slightly horrified at what had happened. "This is what happens when a human decides to speak out. I can promise, anyone who so much as says one word about our way of life, will have the same punishment." My arm was starting to seriously ache from being held in the air for so long, and the lack of blood flow to my suspended arm was causing me pins and needles, still I refused to make a sound. I held the tears back and I bit my cheek harder causing more blood to fill my mouth. "That's enough Bradley!" Adrian growled, he was still stood up and looking at the scene in front of him. His eyes hard as he stared at the principal a low warning growl erupted from his chest which had the head teacher gulping, he quickly let go of my arm causing me to crash to the floor. A small cry left my mouth as I hit the hard floor. Immediately I scrambled away, my foot just missed the high step leading to the stage and I fell, waiting for the impact of the ground, but it never came. Two strong arms wrapped around me catching my weak body causing me to look up, my eyes widened as I noticed Adrian had caught my falling form. "This isn't part of the human punishment program!" Adrian growled causing me to tense in his grip, I pushed him away from me before fixing my uniform top. The room was deadly silent, taking in the scene in front of them, while I stole a glance at my forearm. Carved into my skin by his devastating claws were two words, words that would most definitely scar my body for life. 'Human scum' "Lessons must be learned, she received lashing merely two days ago, and clearly it had no effect on her." Another growl left Adrian's chest as he stepped on to the stage, I wasn't bothered though, you would think I'd be ashamed but I simply smiled slightly. I fixed my sleeve a little so it wouldn't rub on the fresh wound before speaking. "It doesn't matter," the whole room looked at me shocked by my attitude. "I would rather be labeled human scum, than have any resemblance to your kind. I'm proud of what I am, how many of you can say that?" After my amazing little speech, I walked right down the middle between the humans and lycans and out the door. No more compliance, I'm going to get away with as much as I can without getting into too much bother. There will come a day when the lycans power will fizzle out. When it does I'll be ready, I'll be waiting for the day we take our world back. As for the best part about my plan...

No one can stop me.

"Ouch, not so hard." I seethed as the school nurse cleaned my new wound with antiseptic. "If you had of just kept your mouth shut, this wouldn't have happened." I turned to my right looking out the window at the few clouds that were floating in the blue sky. "Like I said, I'm proud to be human, and now everyone knows what I am." I clenched my fist together as the nurse began wrapping a bandage around my forearm. It had been a good few hours since the incident in the hall, and I had been forced to come to the nurces office after I had tried to clean my wound by splashing it with water from the tap, it also refused to stop bleeding. "You are impossible. Can you please just try and stay out of trouble? For one day, that's all I ask." Our school nurse is a wolf, she's one of them. However she hates the way they treat us mere humans, she thinks we should all just live in peace with equal rights. Like that would ever happen. "All I've done is stay out of trouble, but you are just going to humiliate me anyway, so what's the actual point?" "The pack were discussing a public execution, Dylan. You need to walk on egg shells from now on, not just for you but for your family as well." No ones been publicly executed in over 4 months, I'm flattered they're considering it. They only execute people who they believe are the biggest problems to society. "Well then... I'm flattered." I chuckled, before looking at the patch job. 'Huh, not too shabby.' I quickly stood up from the human nursing station and pulled the sleeve of my shirt down covering the evidence of ever being hurt. "This is serious!" I just gave her a blank look before leaving the room. On the way out I heard her call back to me. "Please just think about it." I gave a clipped nod as I walked away wondering how I'm going to tell my mom about this. Later in the evening... "Dilly why you say that?" Freddie looked up at me with a mouth full of bread. "Don't speak with your mouthful!" My mom scolded him as a bashful blush made its way to his cheeks. "Sowwy mommy." His reply was muffled as he swallowed the last chunk of food. "I said it Freddie, because it's the truth. The wolf race are a pathetic excuse for..." my mom cut me off with an extremely stern look. "Dylan! They have ears everywhere, one more word out of you and it's your room." I scowled, my hatred for the Lycan kind growing stronger as each day passes. "What more can they do to me, lash me? Beat me? Brand me? They've ran out of options." I stated slamming my hands down, then severely regretting it as sharp pain shot though my wound. "What was that?" My head shot to regard my mothers worried expression. Her eyebrows were raised and her eyes were dull and judging as she looked at me. "Nothing, it was nothing." I quickly took my plate in my hand and began to walk to the kitchen. "I'm not really hungry, and I have homework to do!" My mom caught hold of my forearm causing me to drop my plate suddenly, I watched it slowly fall before shattering on the floor. I retracted my arm quickly and turned to Freddie. "Stay there and don't move until it's cleaned up ok sport?" He just nodded with wide eyes, I turned back to my mom and noticed her curious stare on my arm. Her grip shifted to the other side as she turned it around before pulling my sleeve up. The bandage was showing and a bit of blood was seeping though after the wound had been disturbed. "What the hel happened?" My moms eyes widened as she began to fumble with the bandage. Before she could unravel any of it I snatched my arm away. "I had an accident at school. No big." I began to gather the large pieces of the broken plate up ready to put them in the bin. "What did you do Dylan?" She looked at me with pure worry and only then did I realize what the wound must look like to someone who didn't know. "For gods sake! I didn't do it to myself! I got publicly punished at the assembly alright? It's no big deal." Her face dropped instantly and she stepped towards me, causing me to step backwards. "Mom, I'm ok. So back off will you." "What did you do? I've never known them to cut someone's arm as a punishment." Her shock and accusation was evident in her voice and I sighed heavily. "I spoke against the alphas son." I may have hit him too, but I wasn't going to divulge that part to her. "It's not one big cut, mom, it's a brand, 'human scum' carved onto my arm." "They've branded you now too?!" My eyes rolled at her hurt tone as I went to get the dustpan and brush. "You're so much like your father." A sigh left her mouth as she spoke, running a hand through her hair, while I quickly swept up the little pieces of the broken plate. "You've had a new uniform delivered. It's laid out on your bed. Dylan, Please just try and stay respectful in the future, I don't want my daughter to be completely mutilated. Although you're not far off." "Gee, Thanks." I then walked over to my little brother Freddy before blowing a kiss into his neck and hearing him giggle. "So sport, how's school going?" "It's ok." He shrugged before going back to coloring a dinosaur picture in. "Well that's good, stay out of trouble, ok little man?" Heading upstairs and into my room, my thoughts wandered to the permanent graffiti scar very slowly healing on my arm. Disgusting beasts. Think they own the world because they're faster, stronger and can shift. Pah. If you ask me they are not all that.

The second I walked into my room my mouth dropped open. On my bed was some grey pants laid out neatly, which wasn't the surprising part, no, what shocked me was the grey high neck no sleeved button down shirt, every single set of uniform had sleeves except this one. They've done this on purpose those, mutts. They want the world to see my arm and know what a disgusting creature I am. They want the world to know that I, Dylan Riley, am nothing more than 'human scum'.

During the last week, I've been horrible, in class I've been loud in voicing my views, I've insulted at least everyone to some degree, I didn't care about the consequences, and I certainly didn't think about them. I haven't seen Nick at all since he was claimed, and to make matters worse today was the royal visit. Oh yes, werewolves and mated humans alike were spending every waking minute preparing themselves to meet his royal majesty, king of the wolves. Unclaimed Humans however would rather stick pins in their eyes. "Dylan, get down now... you're going to be late." She was right, I was dawdling this morning, I really couldn't be bothered today, I gave myself one last look in the small mirror and sighed when my eyes met my newly uncovered brand. It had bad bruising around the letters, and was still extremely tender to touch, it was definitely healing now though. I made my way down the stairs and came face to face with my mother who was seeing to Freddie, she was helping my brother get his coat on when she turned to me. "You ready sport?" Freddie nodded his little head at me and smiled while I quickly slid my shoes on. "Just Remember, the alpha is bad enough, Dylan, please, please don't do anything to anger the king." My mother stopped us from walking out the door to tell me something she had been telling me continuously for the last couple of days, it was almost as if the entire human population of our district was expecting me to do something stvpid. "Try and have a good day." I rolled my eyes but nodded, even I know not to push the king, he could kil me in the hallway like it was nothing. In fact I plan on staying out of his way for the entirety of the day. "We will see you tonight mom." I stated before me and my brother began our walk to school, his little hand clutched my own tightly as we went. Usually Nick would be with us, as he lives next door, well he used to, now he's residing in the main pack house. I quickly dropped Freddie off at his school and watched him get the wolfsbane neutralizer before walking into him building giving me a small wave before he went in. With my new scar on complete show, and my figure being complimented by the skin tight shirt I was wearing, I sauntered down the street to school, I gave my name and year in and took the wolf's bane neutralizer injection with no problems at all. It was finally getting into school that the problem occurred. Walking through the halls I was met by many looks, some of pity some of disgust. You see every single non mated human in the school was wearing a long sleeved version of the uniform I was given. All the Wolves and mated couples were scattered around in fancy floor length dresses or tailored suits. As I turned the corner I noticed a couple, now this couple happened to catch my eye the most out of all of them because it consisted of Arya and Nick, eating each other's faces off. "What the hel!" Nicks head shot to me as his eyes widened. He too was dressed in a tailored suit, a navy blue tie hung on his neck to match Aryas dress. Why was this happening all the time? It's always my friends that get completely brain washed. I shook my head in disbelief before turning my back on him. I heard his fast footsteps behind me as I rounded the corner. "Dylan?!" He ran right in front of me, stopping me in my tracks, making me drop my bag off my shoulder and almost causing me to bump into him. "Let me just explain..." "Has she marked you?" I mean you could almost see it in his eyes, she had marked him, and knowing the way life goes he's probably even mated with her. "Actually... Don't even answer that." I aggressively picked my bag up off of the floor and stormed off down the hall. "Dylan, just listen to me, Erin was right, it's so hard to resist your soulmate, and Arya is actually ok once you get to know her." I just kept walking, he caught up to me walking beside me but it didn't matter, I completely ignored everything and everyone. 'I'm so not in the mood today' getting into class was good though, I said hello to Mr Foley and took my usual seat. Nick sighed then took his bag off ready to sit next to me, but I snapped before he had the chance. "Traitors and mated idiots sit on that side of the room." I didn't look him in the eye as I pointed to a seat right at the front of the classroom on the opposite side. His eyes widened as he turned his attention back to me. "You can't be serious Dylan." I gave him a blank look before grabbing my book out of my backpack, I placed it on the desk then began to write the date on the top line. "I've sat in this seat for as long as I can remember." I ignored him, his voice sounded sad and shocked. "Dylan? Wait! What is that?!" Before I could react Nick had grabbed hold of my branded arm and turned it to see the letters. "Oh my God! What happened?" I snatched my arm away from him and shrugged as I continued to write in my book before grabbing my water bottle out of my bag. "The principal happened, it was my punishment for speaking out against Adrian and Arya. I wear it with pride." He just held a complete look of disbelief. "You spoke out against them?" I shrugged, what did he think I'd do. "It's no secret that I despise this stvpid new world and the mutts that control it. You were my friend, I wasn't going to let them just take you without saying something, although that is exactly what you seem to have done. Enjoy the view from your new seat!" "Don't be like that, Dylan, I'm your best friend, I'm sorry about your arm, but..." my eyes rolled inside my head at my friends words. "Anything with the word 'but' in, isn't an apology, it's a rationalization." I took a drink of water from my bottle and kept my eyes facing forward, ignoring his every attempt to try and talk to me. "Dylan?.. Dylan?... Do you know what? Erin is right, if you push us all away you won't have any friends left." He huffed before walking over to the empty seat and sitting down, I could feel him glancing up at me every now and again but I didn't respond. "Good morning class, please settle down." He looked at me then at Nick and frowned, we've never sat apart, we were friends before the new world even began. I just shook my head telling him to forget it. "So... as you know the king will be arriving in a short while, but until then lessons will go on as normal." Its funny seeing teachers in the same uniform your wearing, mr Foley and his wife are the coolest. Human teachers and doctors only have slightly more respect than we do. Because of Mr Foley's status him and his wife have better access to food and drink, Mrs Foley is cool, sometimes she even makes sure mr Foley brings some in for me. Ya know, coz I'm their favorite student. It's not in a weird way, it's just they were friends of the family before the new wold took effect. Mr Foley and my dad were buddies from high school, so it goes without sayin really. "All the mated humans will be at the front of each years line again, after that you will all be placed in status, Nick, as your mated to Alpha Arya, you'll be at the front of your line. Dylan as you have been branded..." his voice trailed off as he looked at me. "Yeah yeah, I'll be at the back of the line behind everyone. I get it." I huffed, moving my sight towards the window once more. "I am sorry." I turned to face Mr Foley again, he looked genuinely upset and that look of pity wasn't something I wanted to see. I gave him a clipped nod then turned away again. "Anyway, on to the subject matter, 'Of Mice and Men, page 64, Nick why don't you start us off with the reading."

"Of course sir." Nick began reading the book but I switched off, today is going to be a long day. After almost an hour and a half of reading comprehension, the bell chimed signaling lunch. I shot up and out of the classroom before anyone could say anything. Today, I was avoiding drama like the plague.

I wandered the corridors straight to the lunch hall. All the people I would normally hang out with we're all mated so I grabbed my lunch quickly, and sat down at the end of the human table. Let me lay the lunch hall out for you. On one side of the room you have two long rows of tables, with simple benches that make it look like prison, on the other side of the room you have multiple round tables with fancy chairs. Yup you get it. The humans sit at the prison tables and the wolves and traitors sit on the fancy tables, they get fancy food, fancy drink and most importantly they get pudding. what I would give to have some pudding. "Dylan can we just talk?" Nick quickly took the spot next to me as he set his lunch tray down. I looked at his food which had been placed on a ceramic, circular white plate. God that looked good. I sighed knowing he was going to talk anyway. "Fine, you have two minutes." I used my fork to take a bit of pasta off his plate and shoved it into my mouth. God that was good. "After I left school, I was taken to the pack house with Arya, and I really got to know her. It took a few days for me to finally accept being with her, but ever since life has been ok, and the sax... well that's a whole other story." Eww, I didn't need that mental image in my head. "I'm glad your happy." I stated before deciding I had no appetite. His face held shock before he sighed in relief. "That means a lot Dylan, I mean you know that your opinion matters to me." I cut him off before he could say anything else. "I said I was glad your happy. I didn't say I approved of what you've done. You've basically turned into one of THEM, I can't ever forgive you for that." He looked hurt, but I couldn't care less about his feelings. He placed his hand gently on my arm and went to open his mouth when a growl sounded out. All heads whipped to where it came from, Arya was stood holding a glass of soda and a plate, she was looking right at me and Nick and I would totally be dead if looks could kil. Nick quickly retracted his hand, his whole face fell and you could see sorrow flood his irises. "You sit with me now, get away from that, that... scum!" Wow, Nick was such a lucky guy. NOT. "You heard her. Get away from me, go sit with your new friends. I'm happy for you, and I understand where your coming from, but don't come up to me again and pretend you didn't betray your own kind. Don't pretend you didn't betray me." I shoved a little bit of food into my mouth before standing up and walking out of the cafeteria, leaving my tray on the table. I was walking through the hallway to the classroom, you see I decided to spend lunch with Mr Foley in his room, when I happened to hear voices in the corridor. "Is it wise for her to actually be present when the king arrives? Surely she could be placed in the dungeons, it might actually teach her some respect?" My principal was speaking to the alpha of our district, huh, if I stayed and listened do you think they'd notice, maybe they could smell me?! "Everyone is to be present, if the Riley girl does one thing out of line she will be dealt with severely, child or not. That girl has been a blight to the district since day one, she's dangerous, if she puts one hair out of place I will personally break her into submission." Oh shet, they were talking about me specifically, and they mentioned the dungeon, that's not been used in months. Normally I would have listened in more but something about the entire situation didn't sit right with me, all of a sudden, I was on edge, and simply wasn't interested in the slightest in hearing how my misery was to be enhanced. I backed up slightly before turning around and bumping head first into one of the hottest man I had ever seen. I lost my balance immediately and fell straight on to the floor letting out a small grumble in the process. His eyebrows knitted together quickly and his breath hitched in his throat as he looked upon my fallen state and gasped. "Mate!" He whispered, his eyes fixated on mine. Now, I had seen and heard that many times to know what that means, I gasped before taking a step back. 'No, no, no, no, no. This can not be happening.' He growled slightly before stepping towards me. Oh Shet!

Hi there! First post on reddit so please forgive me if i'm not using any fancy text.
I've been DM'ing now on and off for around near 5 years, originally I ran for 2 separate friend groups with Vastly different likes and dislikes. I had to stop one groups campaign due to work schedules and as the such (gotta love adult life ;-;)
So recently my current group consists of close friends so it is quite easy to get things across but it can also be very easy to lose control of the table if we start having jokes and a good laugh.
the above is not the issues I'm having as the DM however the stuff above i'm fine with as long as we are hanging out and having a good time. My issues span from multiple small issues which I will list below Beginning with myself as I know I make plenty of mistakes as I DM but I'm looking for advice to make sure i'm not going crazy and being a C**T with some of my table rules i've implemented
My Issues I need to work on: Note Taking - I lose track of my notes (this has been getting better moved to an app called obsidian which I have stuck with and this seems to be working wonders for me) but still needs work.
World lore - Kinda a addition to the note taking issue I have, I like to chop change some things but I still want it to make canonical sense to the worlds timeline which can be a little messy at times.
Pacing - Oh god I'm awful for pacing sometimes I'm too fast or i'm far too slow my players spend an entire 7 hour session on 1 street corner being my worst example.
Sometimes Retconning Small things - I Don't know if I think its okay to do this, I've only had to do it twice in total I Hate retconning stuff as I feel like if maybe a player that doesn't shine to often finally gets out their shell i'm worried if I retcon something It can really take away from that players motivation.
So above are my issues for sakes of time I'm going to copy paste a recent paragraph I sent to my players parts like player names will be edited of course. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So shappening dudes and dudets, DnD is going to be on the back burner for me for a Little bit cause personally feeling burnt out for a couple reasons that I'll get to in a little bit. So first things first the main thing I'm going to an induction day so I'm hoping I get this job (I got the Job whoop whoop) and DnD will be moved to every 2nd Saturday if thats gonna be a issue we can discuss that down the line. Now couple of mini Issues I want to get off my chest. So the Number 3 joke died ages ago for me and its just annoying so stopping that would be nice thank you, anyone that says it going forward you'll just take 3 damage. Unfortunately the interrupting and pacing is horrendous I'm gonna do my best to keep my focus on the game and I ask so do you. For the time being kinda a add on to the previous my max player count I can do is 6 no more, "Player Name" please let "His Partner" know I do not mind if she watches but I can't have her play not until I feel like the pacing is better and no ones shouting over each other. The Cards, They are fun but i'm gonna rejig them to be less annoying and alot less OP, (I'm removing that bag of holding card) personal thing - If I ask something to do with in the game could you please just acknowledge you have seen it, cause I've typed in plane text plenty of times before and it just doesn't get listened to it starts with one person then everyone else follows if you get me and it can make some little instructions that make things easier for me alot harder. As the DM I want a bit more control So one of the major ones that I ask is NO ONE calls "Roll a persuasion to persuade me" or anything along that lines, it is unnecessary and tbh I find it a bit rude. NO Rape or Rolling Cock size. (its just weird and its disgusting you'd think of it tbh)
There are a few more other things that personally bother me but those are the main ones, the minor ones just consist of 1. Don't Make up your own lore of my own creation and then treat it as cannon, I didn't ask and I don't care.

1. Don't ask for any more custom items, if I give you something be happy and let it be a surprise. 3."did we level up?" i know its a joke but tone it down before it gets worse.
2. If you create a backstory please give me the footnotes of the main points that I can work with, don't give me a lore book about how garfunkle the black white man slain a beast. I won't read it. (Edit - I don't mind if they give me a book to read I do like lore I just mean here that I'd prefer notes of the main points in their characters story)
3. I would prefer Game things are sent on discord concerning characters thats a personal thing, I created the discord for me to be organised and have it all in one place so if you please could just send me stuff on that even if its a dnd beyond link I would like it all in one place. I get this is gonna be alot to read but I hope I get my point across. I am the dungeon master and I want to create a game for you guys to enjoy but I have neglected my own joy for the game and have been more lazy with it because of this. I have alot of stuff to fix from last session especially and I'm gonna try to be more focused on the game and create a better experience and all I ask is please listen, pay attention and any question on the world so you can clarify things you may ask me, if there is any issues during the session call for a break if its that major so we may discuss at the table and if its a small issue we discuss it after the session. I may rule things wrong but i'll attempt to rule it in a way that makes sense and then I shall research and let you know afterwards, I'd rather not search rules in the middle of the game and taking half a hour per turn. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So context for some things the number 3 joke is from shrek "NUMBER 3 MY LORD" and I use magic the gathering cards for little 1 session boons they are a hell of a lot of fun and I'll post under this if anyone else play's DnD and MTG (I'd recommend using the Dungeons and dragons sets for Magic if you wish to try this out)
Revitalize x2 - Add a Medium Potion to Inventory
​
Treasure x3 - Add 100 Gold
​
Choose Your Weapon - Choose one for the Remainder of the Session
Archery - +2 to Range attacks
or
Two Weapon Fighting - +2 to Melee Attacks
​
Curse of Surveillance - You Grow an eyeball onto the palm of your hand, something or someone is watching you (The DM determines who) This curse is passed on
when someone else draws the card or removed with the "Remove curse Spell"
​
Improvised weaponry - You feel compelled to use the first random object as your weapon for the session.
​
Triumphant Adventurer - Roll a D20,
Even Numbers add 3 Platinum to your Inventory.
Odd Numbers Summons a Gold Plated Cocky knight to gloat how rich he is for 1 minute.
​
Hunters Mark - You Gain the Ability Hunters Mark for the Session it does not Require Concentration.
​
Contact Other Plane - You ask anything from the DM roll a d100 to discover the outcome.
​
Hoard Robber - The best robber in all the land has found you and took every bit of coin you have leaving a single fake gold piece.
​
Dawnbringer Cleric - You can Choose One to use throughout the session
Cure Wounds
Dispel Magic
Gentle Repose
​
Priest of Ancient lore - A old Dwarf appears in front of you radiating a holy light asking "Would you like to know the lore of this land?"
​
Boots of Speed - You Gain Extra 15ft Speed for the Session.
​
Silver Raven - A Unknown Vampires Raven Follows you.
​
Check for Traps - You becoming Increasingly paranoid of traps for the session the DM at Random will ask you to check for traps at your feet.
​
Blessed Defiance - You Summon A white Spirit, it says nothing, it is friendly to only you, it will follow and defend you for this session.
​
Chaos Channeler - A wild magic sorcerer Explodes from the multiverse, he looks excited as he transports himself again creating a Minor wild magic effect.

So this is a pretty large post But I am looking for advice on maybe rules I should consider going forward, how to keep proper control of a party of 6 and just anything I should improve as a DM and anything I can further communicate to my players at the table.

Hi all. New here. 51 year old man. Here is my story. Diagnosed with T2D August of 2022. I went on a workout binge and diet and reduced my A1c from 12.5 to 6.8 in about 8-9 weeks. Today my A1c is in the 5’s.
During the first week of November 2022 I developed seering pain, warmth and redness at night (between 6-8pm to 2-4am) in soles of feet and toes bilaterally. Pretty much every time I layed down or elevated my feet in chair. The week of Thanksgiving 2022 was the worst of my life. I spent Thanksgiving day in the basement standing on cement to cool off feet. Walking around seems to alleviate the issue somewhat. Showers were terrible with pain with even warm/cool water. The burning pain was within 20 seconds of hitting the water. Allodynia? This was soles of feet only. Went to neurologist in January 2023 and she stated I developed insulin neuritis aka treatment induced neuropathy (TIND). This is a form of SFN where you lower your A1c too quickly and your body basically goes into shock. During this time (November-January), Suicide was on my mind. Had a nervous breakdown. I’m not sure the SFN part is better. I do know that SFN nerves can regrow very very slowly (1mm per day). I’ve read more papers on TIND and joined several forums on the subject. A lot of people develop this and EM with it. Most seem to get better. Not sure if EM ever went totally away.
I am wondering if my EM is part of this SFN and TIND. I’ve watched Dr. Oaklander’s video on SFN and EM. Definitely seem to be a link between the two.
Around January 2023, the intense burning seemed to taper to just 6-8pm. I can now take hot showers. At night I developed zaps and muscle spasms…this too is part of SFN associated with TIND. Was told will get better. That did.
I don’t get a flare with showers. I do sometimes get a flare when I get hot but those go away pretty quickly compared to the nightly flares. The pain is primarily in tips of toes and sometimes on the top of toes now and sometimes it effects one foot at a time.
I still get hot toes between 6-9pm almost every night. Definitely feels like a circadian rhythm-parasympathetic thing.
I get a stinging pain and redness but not too swollen and I don’t cool feet. There are days, maybe 2-3 in a row where I don’t get any flares. There are days where I only get a flare when I lay down for bed. If I get a flare say at 8pm but I’m not laying down, after it disappears 1-2 hours later, I won’t get a second flare once I lay down. The pain usually lasts 1-2 hours. Not through the night. I sleep with blanket on but no socks. I’m actually afraid to try socks.
I’m thinking this is EM and it’s lingering from my TIND. Not sure if it will ever totally go away. I haven’t gone down the road of genetic testing yet. Not sure I want/need to. It’s definitely not as bad as it once was.
Just wanted to share. My fear is this thing getting worse over time. I think it’s secondary and not primary.
Thoughts?

I was already reeling from losing one friend who accused me of sex-trafficking my wife.
Then I got an email from a different online friend who has known me for longer, over a year and a half, though not in person.

...this increased sense of contumely, as a broader character trait, is evident in how you deal with challenges. You can't bear being told what to do, especially by women (in your own words, 'should' is a taboo). You want people to hear your predicaments, but you don't trust anyone to let them help you with any insight that has not come from yourself. Your problems greatly pain you, but you surely revel at narrating them at length, provided the listener nods in agreement...If your concern is self-esteem, you have too many character traits that go against low self-esteem. You are way too optimistic, materialistic, ambitious, competitive. You may feel miserable in many regards, but so does everyone. Your mind may seek a better world, but your instincts, your attitudes, your heart, your soul is the prototype of capitalism. You are easily hurt, true, but the voice that speaks from your wounds is that of hurt narcissism. Had you been born as a white man, with exactly the same traits you have, you would not care at all about the plight of ethnic minorities in any country.

I've shared my experiences with racism with her before, she even commissioned a long piece from me about it for her e-zine. But now she says my anti-racism is really just narcissism, that I am prejudiced against white people, and care nothing about white children.
Not going to respond to this email, and blocked her so she can't email me again. But I'm obsessing about it and can't stop wondering if these two people who now hate me are correct.
I feel like my entire life has revolved around this cycle:

1. Feel intensely inferior and ashamed of myself, report depression and anxiety
2. Get advised to work on my self-esteem and feel better about myself, look out for my own good qualities, take time off to rest and relax.
3. Actually talk about my good qualities, take time off to rest and relax and not self-improve.
4. Get called a narcissist or accused of not listening, being lazy, not doing the work.
5. Go back to step 1.

I have posted before on how I don't know when I am right or wrong. Am I a narcissistic sex trafficker? If I say no, isn't that exactly what a narcissistic sex trafficker would say?
My wife would think the idea I sex-trafficked her ridiculous. But isn't that exactly what a gaslit abused woman would say? And she would launch into a long lecture of her own.
This is why I'm so scared and confused. Everyone says you have to be self-confident and love yourself for people to like you. But the moment I actually do become self-confident or defend my life in any way, people hate me. Even writing this post...my ex-friend would say it's just part of the problem, endless pleas for attention and sympathy.
Is the problem just me? Am I just...evil?
Do I even deserve to live? Am I only a shameless attention seeker?

My name is Joshua Sinclair, MSW. I specialize in creating programs that organize and bring the community together. Recently, I’ve headed a Wellness Coaching program through my company, We Are Many. What is wellness? And how do you get there? Take a minute to read my background and approach.
It has been 36 years since my foster dad threw hot coffee in my face. I was temporarily scalded and blinded. The terror and humiliation of that cruel moment took a long time to heal.
Today, I continue to have contact with that man. Due to aging he is now the one whose sight has left him. I help him not out of obligation but out of empathy and the recognition that he had his own demons. At least he showed up and fed me and housed me. I have forgiven him, most days. Not for his sake but for mine. A heart full of hate hurts me more than anyone else can.
You may have your own coffee stains that are causing you pain. Maybe they burn a little less maybe they burned a lot more. In any case I’ve become an expert at helping people cool off and clean up.
The Masters degree in Social Work I hold can help assure you the wisdom I give is professional, evidence-based and trustworthy.
But people often need more than evidence and a college degree.
They need someone who has been burned.
I might be the guy for you.
Call, text or email today to make an appointment.
All appointments are electronic.
Most forms of payment accepted.

It’s been on and off all month but since yesterday it’s just been super heavy. I don’t know if I’m peeing the pad or bleeding or what. Anyways to slow it down? I’m in the worst pain. At what point would you go to the doc? Feels kind of pointless because I already know I have pcos so can’t imagine they’ll help me much but man oh man am I dying

The Mediatore’s are the perfect definition of the term “Long Island Trash”.

In 2003, when I was just 13 years old, I was molested by my uncle Ronald Mediatore (now 58), who was and still is a 6th grade teacher in Denver, CO. No one filed a police report. No one took me to a child psychologist to get the story out of me. 21 years later (about a month ago) I found out that not only did the pedo confess everything to his sister (my Aunt Kathy Stover (now 60)- a nationally recognized librarian and published author, who deemed these actions “textbook molestation") just months later but Kathy told my mother (54), who then told her mother (my grandmother, Judy Mediatore (82)- retired nurse/paralegal) and her other sister (my Aunt Stacy Heinz (57)- a 3rd grade teacher).

So here I am, 21 years later, knowing 4 adults who knew exactly where this man’s hands went on me just months after the incident and did nothing about it. And now that I’ve started asking questions about what happened to me, they’ve all closed ranks and cut me off. The victim deserves answers, and these cowards don’t have the backbone to talk to me face to face w/o a therapist present (probably to keep the conversation confidential). Every adult in my life at the time let me down and didn’t give me justice. Instead, they all covered up the family pedo to keep the peace and so he could go back to teaching 6th graders.

I, and my 2 younger brothers, were reintroduced to this man via my mom asking, "Are you ok with Uncle Ronny being there?" 6 years later and the family reunions went on as if nothing happened. And since I wasn't told how wrong this was and everyone else showed nothing but love and smiles, I was lead to believe everything was fine- textbook manipulation. That is a very powerful tool to use on a person, especially when you start at the age of 13; it can carry on through adulthood. And it did.

The statute of limitations in NY prevents me from taking any legal action, for sexual misconduct or pain and suffering, so I’ve been turned away be every attorney. Only way to hold these sick fucks accountable for their actions is to blast them on social media, since they refuse to talk to me about it.

Share the story and don’t forget the name Ronald Mediatore. I have text messages and voice recordings via zoom sessions with my mother that confirm every detail of this story, and a lot more. The family betrayal hit me hard as I went through the grieving process and if there’s a lawyer out there that will take my case, please reach out.

I'm doing the hard thing that no one else had the courage to do when I needed help: filing a police report (so that's it's documented, even if it's too late) and talking about it openly.

I worked so hard to stay in shape my whole life. Being physically strong hid my genetic disorder. It finally caught up to me in my late 30's, causing chronic pain, so my husband left me (without warning or good cause, other than not wanting a sick wife). It's getting worse so I had to increase medication that makes me gain weight. Now I'm hitting menopause, unable to work, no future, getting fatter.
Just goddamn fuck. Fuck it all. I'm so tired. My efforts don't mean fuck all.
Spent 16 years understandingly caring for that man and his anxiety patiently while he worked on it. Loving him supporting him.
The minute he gets a little better, bam, abandonment.
I'm all used up.
Oh you'll find someone. You're pretty he said.
Not realizing that trauma and menopause and chronic pain don't let me have little marker that improve survival chances.
What a fuckhead.
Now he's off doing all sorts of midlife crisis, sports and hobbies Well I'm just trying to get through a few days without migraines and fucking dislocations

In the 19, nearly 20, years I have lived my life, I was raised a Christian by American conservatives in a middle class environment and am fortunate to experience countless memories of joy, laughter, and growth with (mostly) everybody I have met. Each memory with the people in my life holds a special place in my heart, and I will forever cherish the bond we built.
The thing is that until the end of eighth grade, I had a strange obsession with East Asia. Looking back, it was very embarrassing and I condemn my parents for enabling me to become a weeaboo (by “weeaboo”, I mean “a person who is overly obsessed with East Asian culture, especially Japanese culture, to the point that they fetishize the culture in an unhealthy way”). I was the textbook example of a weeaboo who had a terrible case of “yellow fever” (sexual preference towards East Asians). Loving the image of East Asian culture without having any real idea what it stood for and seeing the East as a utopia, my fetishization of East Asia, especially Japan, was born out of the shame I have with the Western culture I was raised in. I never felt like I could fit in with my Western peers who I often looked down upon and did not want to be associated with. It got to the point that I became unsatisfied with my home town, my physical appearance, and even my closest friends. This combined with the surge in anime, K-pop, and other media on the internet really got me hooked and believing really fetish-y things about the Sinosphere. I hate being reminded of it and have tried to move on.
However, I am thankful for my exposure to Eastern culture, though it was through a very bastardized, Westernized lens. I am grateful for my exposure, even though it started out with something as intellectually undemanding as Vocaloid music (songs sung by a Japanese voice synthesizer). The best part about the exposure was that it helped me leave Christianity and join Buddhism at age 11, which greatly helped with my mental health considering I was experiencing suicidal thoughts since the age of 8. Though I had awful misunderstandings of Buddhism in the beginning and still do not really have a Buddhist teacher, I am glad that I have the resources to connect myself with other Buddhists and take refuge in the Triple Gem.
As I left my gross misconceptions of the Sinosphere behind back when I was 14 while still having a healthy interest in it, my eyes were eventually opened to perils which threaten not only the homelands of Buddhism (East, South, and Southeast Asia), but also the sustainability of modern humans. These two perils are Western culture and capitalist fascism.
The West exoticizes and misrepresents Buddhism and the culture of its home, the East, as a whole. I am ashamed to be born in a culture where this was encouraged, which I am worried could lead me to fetishizing Eastern culture again.
But what I know for sure is that the West’s hyperindividualism is harming people, both those whose lands are invaded and its own people. This combined with the West’s growing rejection of education, including that of the knowledge the West itself has given to the world for humanity’s benefit, makes it clear that it is lacking some of the Sinosphere’s cultural strengths. Everybody should hold collectivism and education to the same degree that the Sinosphere does, otherwise we would be left with an unsustainable society that would destroy itself.
There is nothing wrong with speaking Western languages, eating Western foods, watching (most types of) Western media, wearing Western clothes, and especially nothing wrong with using Western inventions, but we are now seeing that the West’s hyperindividualism and rejection of education is destructive and spreading like a cancer.
It is only Buddhists who make an effort to assimilate to the East (had they not been born into it) who can see the West with its hyperindividualism and uneducatedness, promoted by its creation of its spreading ideologies such as capitalist fascism and social Darwinism, for what it really is: a cancer. I can now see the direction the United States, the most populated and powerful country in the West, is going due to the rise of ultra-capitalism and/or fascism supporters.
Rarely the phrase “Western”, as in “formed by the combined foundations of Greco-Roman civilization and Western Christianity” (Gabbe), raised positive thoughts in my mind since I learned about it shortly after discovering Buddhism. “Western” when used in the context of medicine is an exception to this, but we are now seeing more and more Westerners dishonor the progress their ancestors made towards modern, mainstream, dare I say, Western medicine as they fall for anti-vaccine and anti-mask pseudoscience.
Nowadays, some who use the word in a derogatory context are uneducated reactionaries that bash anything and everything Western, yet hypocritically promote the Western political ideology of fascism. A strength that a majority (though now a decreasing number) of Western countries have is their progressivism, supporting scientific advancements, women’s rights, racial equality, and the LGBT+. However, this is not just becoming less common; being a progressive Westerner is not enough, not enough to end Western imperialism, to save the sacred truths taught to us by the Shakyamuni Buddha, or to empower the working class.
Although I never fully approved of Western culture after my weeaboo phase ended, my early teen self still ended up falling into the anti-social justice warrior side of YouTube that I now recognized hindered my understanding of what actually ruined my country, the United States of America. I still did not feel comfortable calling myself a Westerner but mainly because the West did not widely accept Buddhism and has several times in its history persecuted Buddhists. At the same time, I was deceived by a bastardized form of Buddhism common among Westerners (known as “secular Buddhism”, which picks and chooses aspects of the Buddha’s teachings instead of accepting them as a whole), so I was a bit more of the classic, stereotypical atheist neckbeard who fetishized the East up until 2020. Since then, my views became more progressive similar to those of American liberals and I denounced traditionalist Western beliefs, but like the average American liberal, I did not see Western culture, both traditional and progressive, as the peril I now see it. It was not until around the end of 2023 when I discovered the Western problem.
It was a slow burn that started with my discovery of Buddhists on the internet talking about how the West misrepresented Buddhism to appeal to “self-help” consumerists, Christians, and New Age followers. In the Westerner, I originally saw only a person who followed harmless customs, traditions, and other norms that came from a part of the world where Buddhism was not the dominant religion (if you could even call the non-theistic dharma as taught by the Gautama Buddha a religion). And so, I did not believe that Western civilization needed to fall for the safety of the dharma, let alone for its own people. After all, I thought to myself, the West has contributed so much to science and the modern world as we know it. I still believe to this day that there are no superior cultures and that each one simply has its own unique strengths and weaknesses, some of which are only subjective. However, while looking through Buddhist forums, I was shocked to hear about the West’s pollution of Buddhism and my knowledge on Buddhism skyrocketed as I learned that I fell victim to the Dunning-Kruger effect. I started reading sutras and immersing myself with Buddhism by listening to those who have much more experience than I do. There are hardly any Buddhists in my community and the only Buddhist center within reach is a New Kadampa Tradition meditation center (FYI: the New Kadampa Tradition must be avoided since it has a reputation for financially exploiting members and its monastics have allegations of drug trafficking and sexual abuse), so books and the internet are all I have left.
Practicing Buddhism in the West is nearly impossible without a community, without a Buddhist teacher, without any resources written by Eastern Buddhists. Reddit user u/Tendai-Student, a “lay Tendai Student [sic] with aspirations to become a Priest [sic]” states the following:
It is exceedingly challenging for a Westerner who is interested in Buddhism to find reliable information. Bookstores' Buddhist sections are rife with myths about the religion (we will come to some of these misconceptions below). Buddhism-related disinformation abounds in university classes. Misinformation about Buddhism abounds in publications with a Buddhist theme. Even Buddhism-related english-speaking [sic] Reddit boards are prone to carry false information.
Buddhism is constantly distorted in the same way: to make it more agreeable to Abrahamic faiths(especially Christianity in the west) [sic]. To imply that it is subject to Western standards, Western religion, and Western consumerism and materialism.
…Asian teachers are frequently excluded from English-speaking Buddhist places (meditation centers, university forums, periodicals). Asians make up the majority of Buddhists in the United States, despite the fact that popular images of Buddhism in the West make it appear otherwise. In the minds of Westerners, Buddhism is a religion of white converts. They don't even pay attention to the odd lack of Asians in some Buddhist areas. (u/Tendai-Student)
It is no wonder that I went through a phase when I was a weeaboo with “yellow fever”. The Westerner commodifies and commercializes these Buddhist practices and East Asian customs like they do with several other cultures. Its misuse and stealing of Buddhism is the worst because its teachings are for us to end suffering by ridding ourselves of the three poisons: greed, ignorance, and hatred (which the Westerner promotes).
My realization of this drew me away from the West, similar to when my obsession with the East began. The difference is that my interest in the East now is not because of a fantasy born out of misguidance, especially not a sexual one. I now know that there is more to the East than its pop culture. But I cannot help thinking that none of this would have happened and I would better understand Buddhism had I been born to and raised by Buddhists in East Asia, or even a majority Buddhist country in South or Southeast Asia.
However, the possibility of a cycle starting with a yo-yoing fetishization of the East makes me anxious. When I realized what I was doing at first was fetishization, I did further research and found out that the West is to blame for its portrayal of the East in its media. This in turn makes me denounce the West and brings me back towards my obsession with the Sinosphere, which could lead to more fetishization.
Despite this, I am glad that at the very least, my interest is more than just wanting to live a kawaii lifestyle, hoping to have a “submissive housewife who will look young forever”, or all that neckbeard squick. I do have to say that there is something else that is drawing me towards the Sinosphere, not to mention that it is the region where Buddhism is dominant (the same is true to a lesser extent with the Indosphere). Even though I am not a huge fan of tradition since I am very progressive, when a region’s culture gets something right, they get it right. In addition to Buddhist values, the Sinosphere holds education and collectivism to a high degree. It is no wonder I find their people so much more intelligent and caring than people from my culture.
It is common knowledge that countries such as Japan, China, South Korea, and Singapore have the highest average IQs. To add to this (unbeknownst to many), even less developed countries, e.g. Mongolia, with high Buddhist populations around the same region, have average IQs higher than developing and undeveloped nations outside the region. The most agreed upon reason for this is cultural factors rather than genetic or economic factors. To conclude, Buddhism combined with values in the East Asian cultural sphere creates the best “brains” to represent humanity, thus the West should make way for them, especially considering the East’s superior collectivism.
Of course cultures do not stay the same forever because they change over time. One big thing that is different now in the Sinosphere and Indosphere (the latter I am mentioning because it is where Buddhism came from, though it is not as dominant in the cultural region as it was) is that they are generally much more patriarchal and anti-LGBT+ than they were up until the last several centuries. However, Buddhism treats same-sex relations and being transgender the same as heterosexuality and being cisgender (preferring celibacy among monastics, though depending on the school of Buddhism, those in the monastic order may be treated as their birth gender, even if they are transgender), and in addition, the Buddha taught that women are just as capable of attaining enlightenment as men. Even outside of Buddhism, there are records of same-sex relations as early as the Shang dynasty in China and the temple walls in Khajuraho, India depict homosexual activity. As for feminism, China was matrilineal until the Han dynasty era, when Confucianism and filial piety became mainstream in the area, while India, home to over 100 different ethnic communities, has had a few matriarchal and egalitarian societies pre-European colonization. In the modern era, numerous people in the two cultural spheres are becoming more supportive of gender equality and the LGBT+, which in some cases may be due to Westernization (not that it redeems it) or simply the individuals’ progressive political views not influenced by Western culture.
What has stayed the same for the most part, besides Buddhism, is the Sinosphere’s and Indosphere’s value of collectivism in honor-shame societies and the former cultural sphere’s emphasis on education; this is what Westerners, as well as people all over the world, need for themselves. If the West is going to fall due to hyperconsumerism, late stage capitalism, and uneducated leaders, those living in the West would be better off joining Buddhism and assimilating to the East. Arguably, the best way to do this is to move to a majority Buddhist country, preferably one in the Sinosphere (its core countries being China, Japan, the Koreas, Taiwan, and Vietnam). Leave everybody you know from your home behind, especially non-Buddhists. Just to make things clear, Westerners are not necessarily evil and it is not their fault they were raised in a Western culture, but having these people in your life will hold you back from collectivism, quality education free of anti-intellectual quackery, and above all, understanding the dharma.
After you have left everybody in your life and started anew, you can immerse yourself in the culture. Again, abandoning Western food, media, clothing, and especially inventions and scientific breakthroughs is very unnecessary. Your main focus is reprogramming your mind to think like a person (specifically a Buddhist person) in the Sinosphere/Indosphere, utilizing the high educational standards, putting the collective over the individual, and taking refuge in the Triple Gem. Before moving, though, it is best to make yourself familiar with the customs and learn the language of the place you are moving to. To aid your assimilation, it would not hurt to start dating one of the locals who strongly identifies with the culture, regardless of their race. Someone living there who is not ethnically East, South, or Southeast Asian who is still very involved in the culture would be very helpful to your assimilation as one who is ethnically East, South, or Southeast Asian (I am clarifying this to discourage racial fetishization). This may be difficult as you would have to win over approval from their parents, let alone convince them to see you as another Easterner, but if you manage to do so, that would be fantastic. To make things easier, you could plan to move to a country where people treat women as equals and are relatively accepting of the LGBT+ so you would not have to worry about gender roles or whatever. Think of places in the Sinosphere such as Singapore, Taiwan, Japan, Hong Kong, or if you are planning on going to the Indosphere (which is not too big of a step down) since they did give us Buddhism after all, Nepal and Thailand. Your most important goal, however, is to rewire your brain to think in a more Sinic or Indic way and be more in touch with Buddhism.
You can hardly consider yourself a Westerner if you manage to do so, being Western only in your country of origin (and possibly race as well). I am definitely not like those other “people” from the West who strongly cling to Western culture because they just do not understand. Western cultural merit is almost solely from the proxy of our ancestors’ inventions, scientific discoveries, and political revolutions. Considering that the West is being brought towards the wrong direction in the modern era, we should get out of there culturally, if not physically, until it all hits the fan.
If the West continues its defilement of the rest of the world, when it falls, it will bring it all down with it. We must not lose or else everybody loses.
This pressure has a good side; because the bigger the great threat becomes, the more we will push ourselves to assimilate and raise children to fight for us. Considering the infectability of Western anti-intellectualism and “main character syndrome”, how could our Western peers know better? Buddhism is not a proselytizing “religion”, so our best bet is eliminating the promoter of the three poisons, the Westerner (especially the Christian Westerner), from our own lives. How it will run to us as its society collapses under itself and we welcome it to assimilate but say “we told you so”! The older I get, the better I know the Westerner. The better I know the Westerner, the easier it gets to excuse hostility against them, especially from the Sinosphere.
From my perspective, the ones to blame are not the angry, low-middle class white males in the rural United States nor the boba conservative bananas and right-wing coconuts who suck up to the West’s biggest scum, but rather the ones who have brainwashed them to fall for chauvinism, reactionarism, and laissez faire capitalism.
Realizing this, I am now closely investigating the sources of these beliefs which make up the foundation of social Darwinism and, when combined with totalitarian thinking, capitalist fascism. This is after I noticed that these systems are unsustainable and would destroy themselves from the inside out. The slow, painful destruction of communities who fall victim to them are well known to me. If one looks carefully, they can see the consequences that have been unfolding since the 2020 Coronavirus Pandemic. You may wonder: were the founders aware of this? My guess would be that they were not but were evil nonetheless because they were too selfish to think about the future, their descendants.
If this is the case, then it is the duty of us, the opponents of these ideologies, to spread the word faster than the ideologies are currently spreading in the West. It is hard for me to believe it is not the case considering that both Western political ideologies are fundamentally reactionary. Besides, I doubt they would want civilization as we know it to collapse.
I have a social Darwinist as a maternal uncle who sometimes meets with my parents, maternal grandfather, and younger brother and with his political conversations, often sourced from flawed studies, Russian news, and 4chan, I can easily study the principles of its theories. Both of my parents are also conservatives who support Trump and other immoral American politicians. Being raised by the two of them, I bet I could disguise myself as a Western right-wing traditionalist, maybe even a social Darwinist, since I know the way they speak, to whom they flock to, and how to make them give one their full attention. It would probably be easy to do this as some right-wing grifters can fool American right-wing audiences into thinking that they share the same beliefs (e.g. Thomas MacDonald).
Their kind are gullible because they do not listen to fact checkers and often do not do research to see if who they are listening to really practices what they preach.
Even though there are Westerners who are not like this, the West cannot coexist with Buddhism, let alone the cultures where it is dominant, as the West ruled by colonizing tirthikas and it will likely always be for as long as it lasts. And just because their culture is not as viable as the one founded on Buddhist, Sinic, or even Indic values does not give them the right to imperialize the rest of the world and bring it down with them. We can welcome the Westerner willing to change its ways, turn it into one of an Easterner, and have its culture go through a quick and painless demise, or the Westerner can continue its power trip, destroy everything it touches along with itself, and society will suffer a slow and painful death. This is what the conclusion that I have come to so far as I examine capitalist fascism and Westerners’ connection to it.
The Western doctrine of capitalist fascism rejects an aspect of maitrī, fulfilling beings’ basic needs, and substitutes it for a privilege towards the bourgeoisie and the exploitation of the workers’ labor (also known as Vergegenständlichung or “objectification”). Thus it denies the worth of the collective, only concerns itself with greedy individuals, and thus is immoral. Unlike what the non-Buddhist capitalist wants people to believe, all beings have an altruistic Buddha nature, but it is corrupted, being difficult to notice as it has only conditions without a beginning (listed in the Avijjā Sutta). Abandoning capitalism, both fascist and non-fascist, gives power to the people as it ensures a more guaranteed right to life instead of having not even one thousand billionaires own more than half of Earth’s population combined, more than each one of those billionaires could ever spend in their lifetimes.
Should the Westerner, especially one who pushes capitalist fascism, strengthen its grip on humanity, it can be said that it would make its own naraka.
And so I stand by my plan and encourage others to do the same because it is in the name of the Unsurpassable Enlightened One. By protecting our kind against the Westerner, we are defending the Triple Gem.
If it is not already clear, the disapproval I feel towards the societal values and prevailing norms of the West has led me to question my place in this environment. I believe that meaningful change can only be fostered if the West is put into its place and the Sino-Buddhist East motivates our minds.
In Vietnam, where the culture is predominantly Sinic with some Indic aspects and little European influence, we can see the promotion of quality education, collectivism, and Buddhism (practiced by a forgivable 15% of the population), very unlike the nearby country of the Philippines. In the Philippines, its citizens cling to the Anglo-Saxon and Hispanic culture brought to the country by American and Spaniard imperialists. The effects of this are very clear in their average IQs (Vietnam: 89.53 vs. Philippines: 81.64) and PISA scores (Vietnam: 1403 vs. Philippines: 1058). They are both developing countries in Southeast Asia that were colonized by the West, but because Vietnam kept its culture more pure and stuck to Buddhism (or at least Sinic philosophies), its people are better educated compared to the nearby Westernized countries in a similar economic situation.
In short, Westernization leads to the following:

1. The native culture becomes diluted
2. If Western thinking intrudes, mental degeneration takes hold of the native population and its society slowly degrades along with the West itself as it eats itself from the inside out

Those who cause this to happen must be stopped, especially those who endanger Buddhism. We must not wait for the fruition of their karma for their sacrilege of the Tathagata’s teachings because by then it would be too late, and even if it is instant karma, every bodhisattva’s job is to end suffering.
Those who spread the harmful ideologies bring themselves and others away from the Buddha’s word are polluting humanity by having them join their rat race that will only end in their own demise. They are leading to the ruin of many and thus, I do not consider them to be human but instead parasites.
There is a disgraceful Western belief that for a short amount of time was not held by the majority but is now very pervasive in the West and also is the foundation of reactionarism, chauvinism, and capitalism in all cultures. It says: “My individual rights matter the most and freedom means my right to violate the rights of others.”
This Western babble is followed by numerous all around the world and sows disharmony in societies where it becomes the norm. This idea provides basis for several types of Westerners, including but not limited to:

• the “Karen”; a middle-aged, entitled, often white and anti-mask/anti-vaccine female who makes trivial complaints
• the “Chud”; a racist, misogynistic, right-wing male (usually young) who browses 4chan everyday and has a high likelihood of becoming a mass shooter
• the dayangma (Hanzi: 大洋马); a sex-obsessed young adult Western female, majority white but sometimes POC, is conventionally attractive (to Westerners), sleeps around, and in some cases creates spawn that do not know their father(s)
• the angry white male; self-explanatory, right-wing and traditionalist (sometimes a social Darwnist or capitalist fascist), commonly rural, evangelical Christian and have never seen a POC before
• the “Trad Wife”; a prudish, sometimes uneducated, female who lets Western males walk all over it and raises spawn who are likely to become angry whites
• the New Agehippy; generally a teenager or young adult, a well-meaning but poorly educated white liberal or social democrat who misappropriates Buddhism and appeases Muslims
• the AmeriKKKan fathegrandfather; a middle-aged to elderly, chauvinist male with children, sometimes also grandchildren, and is unconcerned about social justice and similarly to the “Karen”, falls for pseudoscientific conspiracy theories
• the neckbearded otaku (Hiragana: おたく); a hairy white male with “yellow fever” and mediocre hygiene, for the most part subreddit/Discord server moderators who stalk and kidnap East Asian ladies (if not teenage girls)

The growth of these groups is evidence of the degradation of Western culture, showing that it must retire as the dominant culture and make way for the much more sustainable East. Once the manuṣya realm on Earth is completely tainted by the West, Buddhas can no longer arise in the world because the dharma would be known by nobody and the Vinaya are forgotten or destroyed.
The future generation will not remember the dharma unless we halt the growth of the parasitic culture that promotes overconsumption, hyperindividualism, and anti-intellectualism.
The Westerner has a remarkable contrast to the Sinic or Indic. The Westerner has a grasp on this world so strong with its weaponry since the 16th century, using force to disrupt the traditional lives of whatever native people it saw, safe for those in a few countries (even though some of those countries are still being Westernized). The Dutch, English, French, Portuguese, and Spanish built colonies from the Americas to Southeast Asia. The kingdoms were blessed with powerful militaries, strong economies, stable governments, and advanced technology that allowed their cultures to spread. But after half a millennium and looking back, was any of this really earned? And is the Westerner’s conquest over yet?
Since the Great Schism of Christianity, the Westerner trained itself for roughly one thousand years. It trained itself in several aspects, but it forgot an important piece, the dharma. The cunning Westerner, blessed with advancements, used them to tyrannize other peoples on a scale never before seen. This was the beginning of the Latter Day of the Dharma. The dharma is declining because of the savage Westerner. And so, it leeched off of any people it got a hold of, including predominantly Buddhist peoples. Even during the decolonization of the 20th century, fundamentalist Christianity spread and threatened the dharma. To make matters worse, previously Buddhist peoples clung to Christianity as taught by their colonizers; the French in Vietnam and the Spanish and Americans in the Philippines. To this day, the Philippines is a lost cause along with its majority Muslim neighbors in Maritime Southeast Asia. The cunning Westerner turned the Filipino against us and now Buddhists make up only 2% of the Philippines’ population. Now, the Westerner sees Buddhism as nothing more than an aesthetic, a self-help lifestyle, or a decoration that they can commercialize and cherry pick aspects to integrate into their religion or lack thereof.
It is excellent for someone from the West to learn the dharma as this will turn them into a more compassionate and wise person, but they must not enforce the Western gaze onto it and discard parts of the Shakyamuni Buddha’s words they do not like. To be fair, some aspects of Buddhism would be nearly impossible for a Westerner to understand unless they assimilate.
Buddhism is not materialist or blind belief without evidence and it belongs to the East, so stop pretending to be something you are not while pushing stereotypes of Asian Buddhists.
However, even though Buddhism is not materialist or very in line with the Western worldview, it is uniquely human. Walpola Rahula, a Sri Lankan Buddhist monk and writer explains it this way:
Among the founders of religions the Buddha (if we are permitted to call him the founder of a religion in the popular sense of the term) was the only teacher who did not claim to be other than a human being, pure and simple. Other teachers were either God, or his incarnations in different forms, or inspired by him. The Buddha was not only a human being; he claimed no inspiration from any god or external power either. He attributed all his realization, attainments and achievements to human endeavour and human intelligence. A man and only a man can become Buddha. Every man has within himself the potentiality of becoming a Buddha, if he so wills it and endeavours. We can call the Buddha a man par excellence. He was so perfect in his 'human-ness' that he came to be regarded later in popular religion almost as 'super-human'. Man's position, according to Buddhism, is supreme. Man is his own master, and there is no higher being or power that sits in judgment over his destiny. (Rahula 3)
How could one even consider the Westerners who diluted Buddhism human themselves at this point? If it were not for them, Westerners may have a better understanding of the teachings of the “man par excellence”. We are lucky that the only Westerners who necessarily see us as inferior are white nationalists and fundamentalist Christians, otherwise the Westerner could have committed a genocide that would have left millions of us dead. Westerners are competitive beings, so they rarely act in concord towards each other. It is only when there is something that draws them together or away from a common danger.
If everybody on Earth becomes a Westerner, they would wallow in their shamelessness and would have nobody left to exploit except for each other until they destroy themselves.
Until they are the only ones left, they will vilify and exploit anything non-Western until they only have each other, then leading to a chaotic world of undignified militaries, economic inequality, corrupt governments, and little or no innovations.
Unless the Westerner considers even the slightest of inspiration from the East, it will continue to follow hyperindividualism and have apathy towards its education. That is why the West is falling. Those from the West who are smart enough to realize that the West’s flaws that it spreads are deciding that the West is not worth maintaining and its resignation is overdue. If those from the West abandon it to assimilate to the East, it would make the West’s death quicker but more dignified.
This is more than a fad but rather the realization that Western society would be best being a passing fad itself. The West gave us great inventions, food, clothes, scientific discoveries, etc. and once it is gone, the East can pick up where it left off just fine.
We will never abandon the Triple Gem because we recognize it to be more than a spiritual, exotic aesthetic or trend. To do so would make us just like those others in the West who Asian Buddhists look down upon. When the time is right, each and every one of us will surround ourselves with the people who know the dharma better than anyone you have met in the West and we can finally be at their level. We shall be Western only in our country of origin and/or race, but in every other way, we will be Easterners; Buddhist Easterners who will take back what rightfully belongs to us.
When we (and hopefully Buddhists outside of both the Eastern and the Western world) do this, consumerism will lose some of its biggest prey. Even though it may not seem like it at first considering we are abandoning everyone we have ever known, we are doing our ancestors a favor by joining the culture that strives towards the end of suffering. We will be leaving our cultures’ ways of thinking behind, but doing this will save face for our lineage, especially the Western lineage as we would be preventing the creation of more “Karens”, “Chuds”, dayangmas, “neckbeards”, and other degenerates. We will not be annoying dorky nerds and certainly not “neckbeards” who are overly obsessed with and fetishize the culture but people making an effort to get closer to the dharma and surrender to the East.
Although we are collectivists, we must seek personal liberation first for the good of other beings. Once the West collapses and its former supporters come running to us, we shall welcome them. If some do not recognize this before it is too late, well boo hoo! They will have a better birth with the world we will create. Some of them, especially their unlucky spawn, would probably be better off dead and reborn into a better life, maybe even the Pure Land.
The way it is looking now, the West is falling and becoming the world’s laughingstock, which is a good thing. The quicker it falls, the less painful it will be for the Westerner and everybody else. Western culture will not be missed, but we can keep the best of it and continue the innovations that the creators would wish to see. We will remember the legacy of them and be thankful while never forgiving or forgetting the ones who ruined the West.
Works Cited
“Ignorance Avijjā Sutta (AN 10:61).” Translated by Ṭhānissaro Bhikkhu. Dhammatalks. 2017, https://www.dhammatalks.org/suttas/AN/AN10_61.html. Accessed 31 May 2024.
Gabbe. “Western Culture.” Wikipedia. 25 May 2024. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Western_culture#:~:text=The%20core%20of%20Western%20civilization,Roman%20civilization%20and%20Western%20Christianity. Accessed 31 May 2024.
Rahula Thero, Walpola. What the Buddha Taught. Oneworld Publications, 1959. Accessed 31 May 2024.
u/Tendai-Student. “栄真Eishin (u/Tendai-Student).” Reddit, 31 May 2024, https://www.reddit.com/useTendai-Student/. Accessed 31 May 2024.
u/Tendai-Student. “Buddhism is being MISREPRESENTED in the West Marginalisation, cultural appropriation, misconceptions and what you can do.” Reddit, 2023, https://www.reddit.com/WrongBuddhism/comments/14zc6xg/buddhism_is_being_misrepresented_in_the_west/. Accessed 31 May 2024.

Amahahn was seated at an oval table, a velvety dark green cape with golden hems and patterns draped over his shoulders. Three bowls of Shamal stew were placed on the table, vegetables and fine cut pieces of meat floating in the simmering Kahnjari milk.
“Three bowls. Are we expecting company besides our own, Amahahn?” Emma raised a brow as she plucked the visor cap off her head. Amahahn’s response was a chuckle, low and dry.
“Oh, you must be terribly informed. I’m married to a daughter of one of the noble houses on Kouvajilo”
Emma clenched her jaw and fists, slipping into one of the chairs. She placed her cap on the table, glancing over her shoulder as a door opened.
A young woman with olive skin in a white dress stood in the door, hands clutched at her front. A golden belt sat tight around her slender waist, her sleeves large and loose on her arms.
“Laudjehne, love. Come dine with me and our guest” The Prince Regent motioned to the empty seat at his side.
The girl dipped her head, the white dress floating behind her as she moved. She glided to Amahahn's side, fingers tracing his shoulder as she seated herself.
"It's an honor for me to share the same table as you, Empress. I've read your grandfather's books quite actively"
Emma blinked at the sleek face talking to her.
"Oh, yes. My grandfather's books..." Emma mumbled, picking up the wooden paddle-shaped spoon. She lifted her eyes to met Laudjehne's gaze.
"I've just read 'On the Building of the State' and 'The Laws of Steel and Soil' Laudjehne said, stirring her Shamal. Amahahn scoffed with the ghost of a smirk spread across his lips. Laudjehne's rich blue eyes fell upon her husband, her thin throat bobbing.
Amahahn drew a finger along one of his pale cheeks, his vicious smile persisting. The Prince Regent cast his dark eyes on a steward concealed in the shadows of a corner, the man striding forwards with a clay bottle of sweet wine.
Emma nodded her thanks to the steward, plucking her cup from the table and stirred the orange liquid.
"There's something too that interests me about your grandfather, Your Majesty" Laudjehne said, swallowing a spoonful of the beige stew.
Emma hummed her approval of the inquiry as she drank, the sweet finish of the wine dancing over the taste buds on her tunge.
"It puzzles me greatly how your grandfather persistently denies Goudanja and Kouvajilo's request to be annexed into Simonistan. Why would an empire ever turn another state's request for be anexed into it?"
Emma lowered her spoon, swallowing down her rambling thoughts as well as a spoonful Shamal.
"The Constitution of Simonistan does not permit acts of imperialism. Even if the other party willing approves of annexation into Simonistan, we cannot legally carry out such a request within the boundaries of our legal code"
At that, the Prince Regent chuckled. Emma felt heat flare across her cheek, yet she jutted out her chin to disapprovve of Amahahn's taunt. Already, she knew what was to come.
But Amahahn never dared bring up the topic.
"Oh...that's lofty principles to stand by" Laudjehn murmured, batting her blue eyes. Emma sensed her confusion but chose not to clarify. After all, she could not not clarify her grandfather's mindset.
Perhaps, if only she hadn’t taken so much after him; safe for his openly revolutionary rethoric and lingering autocratic aura, she would have annexed the union of Goudanja and Kouvajilo in a heartbeat.
That very popular man who it pained Emma to know, still considered himself an unrighteous dictator, yet cheered her on as empress.
Her grandfatheer the abdicated emperor, who she honored by making him Speaker of Parliament just so he might keep an eye on and help her during Parliament sessions.
“You wish for your home world to be annexed by Simonistan, Laudjehne?” Emma asked, swallowing down a spoonful Shamal

I (38 F) have been married to my husband (44 M) for almost 7 years now. Looking back, I couldn’t help but blame myself for not realizing I married a total stranger.
Long story ahead: I met my husband a little over 4 years before we got married. I thought he was everything i prayed for and felt so lucky. He was very sweet, caring, sex is great and i felt like i found a person that was exactly like me. Most of the time, we even think alike. We rarely fought and always had fun together. Well, that was then.
Just 2 months after our wedding, I have become pregnant. We were so happy and excited that finally, the much awaited first grandchild of my FIL was just months away to meet him!
On the 4th month of my pregnancy, i found out that my husband was keeping a secret that nobody, not even from his own circle, knew about. He has always maintained a loving and loyal character to everyone for a very long time until i exposed him to his best friend. One morning I was searching for a comb in his bag, and i found condoms in one of the pockets. I was so mad I threw the condoms in his face and kept quiet for a few days. Thoughts rushing through my brain as he gave me some of the stupidest excuses. Back then i chose to give him another chance, maybe because i still hoped that the man i married is still there and this is only a one off situation. Also, i wanted to give our son a chance to have a normal family.
Fast forward to when i was 9 months pregnant i was browsing through his ipad to research something but when i went to use the history as shortcut, i found the searches he made through his phone (synced to his ipad). I saw searches of motels around where he was the night before. I then chose to confront him about it, and he finally admitted it. A mix of total shock and confusion came over me. How can he cheat on me while i was pregnant? We had an explosive fight that night. His reasoning getting dumber and dumber. Somehow i ended up giving him another chance and thought maybe this time he will finally stop and think about our family. You see, in our country a broken family is frowned upon so culturally, the wives usually stick with their husbands no matter how painful things get in the name of having an “Intact” family.
So back to the story, after the fight i did some digging and found that my husband had a tinder profile and that’s where he usually looks for hookups even before we met, and continued even after getting married. I was so disgusted to see messages of him making deals with hookers when “no one is available”. I don’t know why but i felt like this casual hookups became an addiction of his. I encouraged him to go seek therapy and also get tested for STDs but he kept postponing and eventually never went. I tried going to my parents and asking for their advice but as mentioned, they suggested to stick with my husband for the sake of my son. I felt deceived and trapped i didn’t know what to do.
Over the 7 years of our marriage, i still catch him time and time again. Until i can no longer forgive him or myself. I thought, i just wanted to get away and leave everything behind. No more need for explanations, just get up and leave the country. I am now planning an exit strategy but it might take some time. I guess i really need an army to pray that whatever the future holds for me and my son, that things will be alright.
We are still legally married to this day because there is no divorce here and annulment is too expensive and will take YEARS, but i have stopped being intimate with him for almost a year now. I no longer care if he’s home or not. It’s sad to see my marriage slowly dying over the years, but i know in my heart that i tried my darn hardest. But sometimes we are failed by the people who’s supposed to love, protect and support us.
Sorry for the long rant. I guess i just missed my old happy self 🥲 to the ladies in the same situation as me, keep your head up. You matter, and someday we will get through this. 💝

F27(me) & M29. We dated for 6 years and there has been times where he shouted at me in public and goes uncontrollably angry and furious. He knows I don't like to embarrass myself in public and I have told him not to use expressive hands when talking angrily with me in public. I hate to cause a scene on public because its very humiliating. And he knows this. So he uses that as a threat when he fights with me. We have been married for 2 years, he promised he won't do it again but within last 6 months we had 4 episodes where he screamed at me at the top his lungs so loud that I can hear feel like I'm vibrating and the walls trembling. I feel embarrassed to stay in my own house because I'm sure the neighbours have been hearing everything and I feel so embarrassed to walk out of my house.
When I'm upset, I withdraw from everything. I keep quiet and I just want to be alone and somewhere safe. He will insist that I accept his sorry immediately (he says it so harshly and so rudely) and I do accept it. I say okay, and I try to get into my room and into my bed. But he will enter my room and slam on the lights and make me feel so attacked. Because he wants me to behave as "normal" and not show any upsetness as it makes him upset. He has dragged the blanket off me harshly and that has hurt my skin and its painful because he's just so much stronger than I am. He dragged me off the bed and my thumb and index finger is still aching (happens 2 mths ago). I have started hitting him back if he gets too physical with me. I try to pull his hair and slap him. I have gotten hit back but I got so mad that I rather get beaten to death but I want to hit him at least once back. He can't control his anger at all and he blames me for it. He wants me to see his point of view and wants me to control my words and behaviour to make sure I don't make him that angry. And I think this is a ridiculous excuse. He lays conditions for basic things like, if u don't want me to scream at me means then don't "...." and this "..." literally can be anything he chooses it to be. So I will never know. If its 1 thing. I can understand. But at the end of the argument he always loves to end it saying something along this line "I'm sorry, but I just want you to make __ for me next time." "I'm sorry, just next time, okay? That's all I ask of you, please I am so sorry." And he thinks he is apologising. I don't share this with him for obvious reasons. (I tried to once and it didn't end well, we started bombarding me with questions to twist and manipulate what I initially meant. E.g so what do you mean I am not saying aorry? So I never say sorry? What was I saying just now? No no no, answer my question? No idw to hear that, just answer my question. .... and he literally spews his own new fight right from there and blames me for making the issue big.)
When we were dating he has even called my workplace so many times and harassed me and humiliated me even there by doing so. The receptionist knew that somethings wrong and it was so embarrassing to go to work. I blocked his number and he did that to get back at me. He was so pleased to hear that I was upset and embarrassed. Oh and yes he eventually apologised, but he did the same thing a few more time over that year. And yes he apologised each time and swore never to do it again each time and then got angry with me because I didn't behave normally like a non upset un affected person in an instant. :)
So, given these history for him. When I remind him that it's not his first time doing the embarrassing me part.. he always gets so furious and says -NOW NOW AM I NOT SAYING SORRY? I SAID SORRY FOR 1 HOUR? YOU WANT A MAN TO BEG AT YOUR FEET?- Frankly speaking, the energy he puts into shouting, he could just hug me and smile. And I would feel better and it will be easier for me to be "normal" like what he wants. But he makes it so difficult. And so forced. I feel so uncomfortable and it doesn't feel right. I feel like he wants me to just suck it and endure the pain quietly so he doesn't have to feel the uncomfortable feeling of feeling guilty and remorse.
What do I want? I just don't want to be yelled at or embarrassed or threatened. I thought these were basic manners and respect. But apparently its too much to ask for. And he used information I have shared with him, against me in a very hurtful manner. So I don't want to share with him anything.
I did think of divorce but I didn't tell him. Oh and he brings up divorce and separation during our fights. He will say it is so easy for him to find any girl coz he is a guy and I am replaceable as a snap. But for me, my life will be ruined and no guy can ever live with me etc. Which frankly speaking, he has got a point because divorced is still a stigma. He say he will tarnish my reputation and humiliate me and even my family will blame me. Frankly, he has a point and whatever he says actually has a high tendency of coming true. And yes I have definitely considered ending my life many times but I remind myself that suicide might cause me to go hell instead of heaven so I don't want to be in literal hell after I die too.
Tl;dr: what can I do, I don't need to have much options and I feel so suffocated. He can't see my pov at all. He thinks having manners such as respect towards wife is more of a 'privilege '. He didn't say it but he lays conditions for this and that.. so he implys it.

F27(me) & M29. We dated for 6 years and there has been times where he shouted at me in public and goes uncontrollably angry and furious. He knows I don't like to embarrass myself in public and I have told him not to use expressive hands when talking angrily with me in public. I hate to cause a scene on public because its very humiliating. And he knows this. So he uses that as a threat when he fights with me. We have been married for 2 years, he promised he won't do it again but within last 6 months we had 4 episodes where he screamed at me at the top his lungs so loud that I can hear feel like I'm vibrating and the walls trembling. I feel embarrassed to stay in my own house because I'm sure the neighbours have been hearing everything and I feel so embarrassed to walk out of my house.
When I'm upset, I withdraw from everything. I keep quiet and I just want to be alone and somewhere safe. He will insist that I accept his sorry immediately (he says it so harshly and so rudely) and I do accept it. I say okay, and I try to get into my room and into my bed. But he will enter my room and slam on the lights and make me feel so attacked. Because he wants me to behave as "normal" and not show any upsetness as it makes him upset. He has dragged the blanket off me harshly and that has hurt my skin and its painful because he's just so much stronger than I am. He dragged me off the bed and my thumb and index finger is still aching (happens 2 mths ago). I have started hitting him back if he gets too physical with me. I try to pull his hair and slap him. I have gotten hit back but I got so mad that I rather get beaten to death but I want to hit him at least once back. He can't control his anger at all and he blames me for it. He wants me to see his point of view and wants me to control my words and behaviour to make sure I don't make him that angry. And I think this is a ridiculous excuse. He lays conditions for basic things like, if u don't want me to scream at me means then don't "...." and this "..." literally can be anything he chooses it to be. So I will never know. If its 1 thing. I can understand. But at the end of the argument he always loves to end it saying something along this line "I'm sorry, but I just want you to make __ for me next time." "I'm sorry, just next time, okay? That's all I ask of you, please I am so sorry." And he thinks he is apologising. I don't share this with him for obvious reasons. (I tried to once and it didn't end well, we started bombarding me with questions to twist and manipulate what I initially meant. E.g so what do you mean I am not saying aorry? So I never say sorry? What was I saying just now? No no no, answer my question? No idw to hear that, just answer my question. .... and he literally spews his own new fight right from there and blames me for making the issue big.)
When we were dating he has even called my workplace so many times and harassed me and humiliated me even there by doing so. The receptionist knew that somethings wrong and it was so embarrassing to go to work. I blocked his number and he did that to get back at me. He was so pleased to hear that I was upset and embarrassed. Oh and yes he eventually apologised, but he did the same thing a few more time over that year. And yes he apologised each time and swore never to do it again each time and then got angry with me because I didn't behave normally like a non upset un affected person in an instant. :)
So, given these history for him. When I remind him that it's not his first time doing the embarrassing me part.. he always gets so furious and says -NOW NOW AM I NOT SAYING SORRY? I SAID SORRY FOR 1 HOUR? YOU WANT A MAN TO BEG AT YOUR FEET?- Frankly speaking, the energy he puts into shouting, he could just hug me and smile. And I would feel better and it will be easier for me to be "normal" like what he wants. But he makes it so difficult. And so forced. I feel so uncomfortable and it doesn't feel right. I feel like he wants me to just suck it and endure the pain quietly so he doesn't have to feel the uncomfortable feeling of feeling guilty and remorse.
What do I want? I just don't want to be yelled at or embarrassed or threatened. I thought these were basic manners and respect. But apparently its too much to ask for. And he used information I have shared with him, against me in a very hurtful manner. So I don't want to share with him anything.
I did think of divorce but I didn't tell him. Oh and he brings up divorce and separation during our fights. He will say it is so easy for him to find any girl coz he is a guy and I am replaceable as a snap. But for me, my life will be ruined and no guy can ever live with me etc. Which frankly speaking, he has got a point because divorced is still a stigma. He say he will tarnish my reputation and humiliate me and even my family will blame me. Frankly, he has a point and whatever he says actually has a high tendency of coming true. And yes I have definitely considered ending my life many times but I remind myself that suicide might cause me to go hell instead of heaven so I don't want to be in literal hell after I die too.
Tl; dr: what can I do, I don't need to have much options and I feel so suffocated. He can't see my pov at all. He thinks having manners such as respect towards wife is more of a 'privilege '. He didn't say it but he lays conditions for this and that.. so he implys it.

Here it is. Every track that was put out by the label Fischkopf Hamburg, from all records they released. Listed, ordered, with a little comment / short review / description added to each one. Note that the "chart" concept might be a bit misleading here: Essentially, we love *all* Fischkopf tracks and think they are great. So, if a track is at number 101 or 124 in this chart, this does not mean it's a bad track - to the contrary! It's all good stuff (but some is a little better ;) We just thought the charts format would be a good idea; to present the label's catalogue, increase awareness of its music, and give somewhat of an overview of the material the label released. (And some of the comments aim to be in the typical tongue-in-cheek, lighthearted attitude, and style of the 90s hardcore fanzines)
More info about Fischkopf Hamburg can be found here:
https://hardcoretechnoprimer.blogspot.com/2021/01/the-story-of-fischkopf.html
But let us begin:
1.Taciturne - Phenprocoumon
very inventive hardcore techno track. a good example of the kind of music Fischkopf Records released. commodore amiga hardcore sound. uses broken, unusual rhythms, not typical 4/4 hardcore techno sequences. very noisy and abrasive. at the same time, a "far eastern" ambient melody is used in this track, which is very calm and soothing. this creates a very interesting clash between the harsh, abrasive elements, and the calm melody.
2.Auto-Psy - Oxyde
A legendary track made by Stella Michelsen. Hardcore Techno. From France. Industrial. Raw. Surreal. Manipulated vocals. Ambient elements. Immortal.
3.No Name - Latex
Aggressive Overture produced by Poka Michelson. Extremely unorthodox. Noisy. Close to avantgarde music. Glorious.
4.Fields Of Defacement - Urticated
Acidcore. Experimental. Project by Lasse Steen. Unusual sound. Hypnotic melody. Very Techno-like.
5.Christoph De Babalon - Babylon 90210
Dreamy. Futuristic. Sci-Fi. Jungle, Breakcore. Done on an amiga 500. By a producer from Hamburg.
6.Amiga Shock Force - Keep Your Enemies Close
By cult producers from germany. Not really hardcore techno. Almost soft, calm. Use of breakbeats. Commodore Amiga sound. Digital, lofi, sizzling. Very good.
7.Cybermouse - My Dorectives
Proto-Doomcore techno track. Very unusual. Entrancing. Techno-style. Drone that gets modulated throughout the track. Mid-tempo. Use of loops. Creates a surreal feel.
8.Eradicator - You're Lieing Pig
The only breakcore track on the "Agit Prop" LP. very lo fi, very thin sound. strange sound fx, bleeps, almost videogame-like sounds. overdriven breakbeat rhythm running throughout the track. sparsely used other elements such as distorted guitars and an aggressive vocal sample. great work by Patric Catani under his "Eradicator" alias.
9.Fields Of Defacement - Bang-Bang (Live In Hamburg 96)
Live recording. Brutal. Acidcore. With gabber and general hardcore elements. Entrancing. Exalted. Shows the power of a hardcore techno live performance.
10.Taciturne - Mourning
Probably the best known track by Taciturne next to "Der Toten". was included in Manu Le Malin's "Biomechanik" compilation. Use of ambient sounds next to a midtempo, industrial hardcore techno drum. very minimal, very few elements, not even hi hats snares or other percussion apart from the drum. crispy noisy 8 bit commodore amiga sound. legendary track.
11.Eradicator - Thou Shall Kill
one of the best tracks on the agit prop LP. fast beats, guitars, synth, noises, and a strange vocal.
12.Cybermouse - Overreacting
electro beats. non four-to-the-floor rhythm. commodore amiga sound.
13.Monoloop - Underwater Trumpet
very interesting. unique early breakcore. drone, ambient sounds mixed with hard and rough breakbeats. very surreal, futuristic. this track could only have been produced in hamburg.
14.Auto-Psy - Neutron
experimental merciless distorted ambient hardcore techno.
15.Burning Lazy Persons - If The Truth Be Known
very brutal. one of the hardest by burning lazy persons. guitars and fast beats.
16.Orderly Chaos - Melt Away Love
pure ambient track. interesting, repeated melody. wonderful track.
17.No Name - Control
one of the most classic and most fierce hardcore tracks. if you haven't heard this one, you are missing out!
18.Mathey Olivier - Residential Volume
heavy and loud drums, noises, funny intro.
19.R.A.W. - Cold War Memory Nightmare
great, great early breakcore. interesting use of sounds and "melody". also a good but haunting cold-war feel.
20.EPC - Where Do You Go?
perfect hardcore track, with radar / space-transmission like sounds. very industrial.
21.Fields Of Defacement - Attached
one of the most bittersweet dark and disturbing melodies in hardcore techno. set to arrhythmic beats and fragile manipulated percussion.
22.Eradicator - Titan
included on the 90s hardcore cd compilation "mururoa test 1". truly experimental hard electronics.
23.Amiga Shock Force - Psycore Pt. 1
slow intro. amiga computer sounds. hissing, noisy, overdriven. surreal feel.
24.Taciturne - In Nomine Dei Nostri Satanas Luciferi Excelsi
samples the chuch of satan. non 4/4 beats. slow, distorted, noisy. dark and scary.
25.Trash Enemy HQ - Pestilence
truly interesting track. acid sounds. very dark and epic melody. no real hardcore beats and rhythm. close to industrial.
26.Eradicator - Brujeria
perfect bloodthirsty "e-de cologne"-style gabber. shouts and heavy metal guitars.
27.Christoph De Babalon - Pleased With Being Alive
one of our favorite christoph de babalon tracks. pure future and cyberdelic feel. a true classic.
28.Taciturne - Der Toten
the one and only fischkopf track that became a real "hit". was in high demand in the dutch gabber scene and ended up on countless compilations. as you probably already know this track, I don't need to describe it here :-)
29.Cybermouse - War Is Hell
maybe the most brutal track by cybermouse. early speedcore. very minimal. anti-war message.
30.M.C.P. - Overload 30303
arhythmic hardcore inferno
31.Auto-Psy - If
when i played this track, a guy once asked me "what kind of terrorist music is this?". good description!
32.Eradicator - M.C.P.
samples the movie tron. genuine 90s experimental hardcore.
33.No Name - Ydroid
Slick and without mercy.
34.Taciturne - Haematopan F
hardcore to blow your teeth out.
35.Cybermouse - Gulp
also one of cybermouse's most hardcore tracks. midtempo bounding 909 next to acid sounds.
36.Christoph De Babalon - I Own Death
the first track on his fisch 12". long, long intro. then it unleashes its full force with distorted breakbeats and a powerful melody.
37.Eradicator - Used Against Us (Remix)
Experimental gabber, ambient intro, rough sound, metal guitars. Juno hoover rave sounds. Murderous, nasty, and epic.
38.Auto-Psy - Escape
one of the most outstanding "hardcore" tracks ever. a symphony of drones, fx, noises and bassdrums. over seven minutes.
39.Burning Lazy Persons - Hyper Bitch
an early speed record. brutal and shocking.
40.No Name - Koma
so psycho, so evil, so mean. can you take it?
41.Auto-Psy - Go Out
a submarine is out of control, explosions shake the vessel, metal clanking is heard, and people scream in terror. then the sounds fade out into the cold dark blue depths.
42.Monoloop - Underwater Feelings (Live Alone Mix)
one of the most interesting tracks on this ep. fake live act. ferocious early breakcore with sophisticated production values.
43.Monoloop - Underwater Feelings
very sweet, very relaxed ambient sounds, mixed with hard breakbeats. pianos, water splashing, whales' whistling.
44.Amiga Shock Force - 24 Hour Connection
another true amigacore classic! ruthless and heavy.
45.Cybermouse - Datenvernichtung
comparable to early french noisecore. nice and evil.
46.Taciturne - Phenylephrin-Hydrochlorid
everyone knows "mourning" and "der toten", but this one is great too. proto-doomcore with a haunting drone, then gets faster towards the end.
47.Eradicator - Worringen
Heavy track with pounding steel drums, noisy synths, screams, everything you need.
48.Eradicator - Fucking Bitch Called Walker
Is that patric screaming? Menacing uncoventional hardcore gabber techno.
49.Cybermouse - Noishead
Early noise hardcore. The noise treatment for hardcore heads.
50.No Name - 01100010
didn't the german dance act "das modul" have a similar track title? but this one is hardcore, for sure!
51.Cybermouse - Adrenalin Structure
first track of the first fischkopf release. epic. was first released on an commodore amiga diskette magazine. not 4/4 hardcore, but wicked and strange electro sounds.
52.Monoloop - Chill Out
breakcore madness in between being chilled (as indicated by the piano) and being killed (as indicated by the screams).
53.M.C.P. - Overload MS 50
very aphex twin like, great experimental hardcore.
54.EPC - Autoplasie
Noisecore for your mind!
55.Burning Lazy Persons - Frd
a hammer coming down on your skull.
56.P. Server - Wires (Break)
a recording of audio wires that have been broken?
57.Fields Of Defacement - Uptight
melancholic melodic hard core tech-no?
58.EPC - R 624-2
Techno chopped up and turned into noise. Very analogue feel.
59.EPC - Persistance
Oh what a beatiful noise!
60.Eradicator - I Cum Blood
Evil experimental gabber insanity.
61.Auto-Psy - Ovoide
first track on this great ep. sounds that invoke the images of a runaway train accelerating straight to hell.
62.Auto-Psy - Andropose
the tranquil intro might give you the impression it's time to relax now, on this ep. but then the beats hammer on.
63.Eradicator - Destroy It Yourself (Remix)
March into hardcore disturbia..
64.Taciturne - Liquid Theatre
strange ambient intro. cult track.
65.M.C.P. - Overload RZ-1
hardcore machines got out of control and force people to dance to their death.
66.Auto-Psy - Clear
"null... null... null..." when i put on this record for the first time, i totally fell in love with this sound and all that followed.
67.P. Server - Ratings (Terror Unit H.Q.)
cool monotonous acidcore track.
68.M.C.P. - Overload Sigma
mental gabber up your cranium.
69.Amiga Shock Force - Sex, Mord Und Kunst
one of the fastest tracks of its era. hyperfast beats next to crazy rap samples.
70.Taciturne - Boys Don't Cry (Revisited)
robert smith would be proud!
71.No Name - Black Dream
help me. i hear voices. they are distorted. just as the drums.
72.No Name - 0.Vin .I
slowing down a bit. but not one bit less relentless.
73.Mathey Olivier - Easy Recording Aera
the last track of the last official fischkopf release. going out with a bang! and it's good-bye.
74.No Name - Kamasutra
i wonder what kamasutra technique inspires one to produce such devilish hardcore from hell like this. but then, it might be better to not find out.
75.Eradicator - Us Against Us
not as good as the revisit, but great nevertheless. tough experimental gabber.
76.Amiga Shock Force - Violent Geisha
mix between breakcore and early speedcore with an amiga feel.
77.Burning Lazy Persons - Poisoned Radio Wave
ooh, painful audio signals and overly distorted hardcore drums. i'm luving it.
78.Eradicator - Streptocock Gee
one of two true breakcore tracks patric catani did for fischkopf. excellent!
79.Taciturne - Praxis Dr. Fischer
Legendary drone-speedcore track. Doctor Fischer has the cure for you! Just go to his praxis.
80.Monoloop - The Dreamer
already a foreshadowing of the "ambient-breakcore" on fischkopf 13. epic!
81.Burning Lazy Persons - Garden Of The Permanent
this is crazy!
82.Burning Lazy Persons - Nakano Shit
man, this is some of the roughest hardcore that i ever heard.
83.EPC - Infectious Properties
these sounds bash right through your skull.
84.Fields Of Defacement - Found & Lost
Stones and flowers on the ground We are found and lost But love is gonna save us
85.Burning Lazy Persons - Fake
"die maschinen die maschinen die maschinen"? whatever. this machine kills!
86.Eradicator - Impulse To Destroy
the other "oversize" track on the agit prop LP. fierce drums and percussion. plenty of noise.
87.Eradicator - Distorted
Very distorted indeed! Fantastic.
88.Eradicator - Split Wide Open
Powerful radical hardcore with acid elements.
89.Burning Lazy Persons - Catastro
The overdose of noise and drums.
90.Taciturne - Krach-Aran-RMX
Now this is just krach! But a good one.
91.Eradicator - Cologne Boring M.F.
Hyperfast mental metal hardcore madness.
92.Orderly Chaos - 45m
The so real dark ambient experience.
93.Burning Lazy Persons - Kone Kane Dayone
a very very wild ride.
94.P. Server - Pulley
excellent lasse steen production. has some rave elements.
95.Amiga Shock Force - Mass Appeal Madness
one of the most "poppy" tracks on fischkopf as it samples james brown. crazy hardcore gabber.
96.Jean Bach - Tausend Stimmen
very crazy and over the top track by jean bach. heavy distortion.
97.Eradicator - Destroy It Yourself
Sepultura samples, weird noises, gabber drums - perfect!
98.Christoph De Babalon - Promise, Broken
total future psychedelic breakcore.
99.Trash Enemy H. Q. - Braintraining
noise and distortion with a painful sound without drums or anything else.
100.Taciturne - Avarie De Machine
made up of sounds of heavy machinery? great!
101.No Name - Message
we got the message and the message was clear.
102.No name - Help
get on a hardcore trip faster than light.
103.Eradicator - Starving
epic ambient intro.
104.No Name - Start E·nd
it starts and ends in torturous hardcore agony.
105.No Name - A
"a" total french insane techno track.
106.Monoloop - Second Trumpet
in style similar to the other 3 tracks on fisch 13. has a heavy jazz feel.
107.Shangoe - Army Of Darkness
interesting breakcore out of hamburg.
108.Eradicator - Agitprop Troop
interesting noise experiment.
109.Eradicator - Forkboy
early speedcore track. guitars and hyperspeed drums.
110.Taciturne - Dexpanthenol
riots of noise, distortion, and brutality.
111.Monoloop - Drum Da Style
stylish early breakcore.
112.Mathey Olivier - Second Transmission
mad scientist hardcore.
113.Mathey Olivier - Well Done!
the acid sounds from outer space invade the second part of this great french hardcore track. well done indeed!
114.P. Server - Epigraph
lasse steen delivers with this great dark acidtechno track.
115.Taciturne - Krank
total "kranker" hardcore!
116.P. Server - Plunger
all power to the 303!
117.P. Server - Psave
legit 90s acid hardcore. rough production values, almost as if mastered from cassette tape.
118.P. Server - Dispatching
hardcore up your acid!
119.Fields Of Defacement - Dark.R
the 808 gets the full-on distortion treatment.
120.Eradicator - Enter Three Witches
one of two "oversize" tracks on the agit prop LP. on four-to-the floor beats. ambient outro.
121.Eradicator - Widerstand
noisy agit prop sounds!
122.P. Server - Banging Happening
gabber-acid.
123.Fields Of Defacement - Corkscrew
Wonderful monotonous hardcore without bleeps or melodies.
124.Amiga Shock Force - Shoot 'em Breax
A perfect early breakcore track. Hip hop and guitars.
125.Cybermouse - Obstreperous
Very experimental techno / hardcore track. Acid like sounds, great use of percussion, and a sci-fi feel.
126.P. Server - Metal Disposition
acid gabber brutality.
127.Burning Lazy Persons - "R"
vicious nice and nasty track by nawoto suzuki.
128.Burning Lazy Persons - Dorami De Onanie (240 Vers.)
faster onanism.
129.Johnny Ego - Untitled
again an interesting hamburg breakbeat track.
130.Orderly Chaos - Pine
painful sounds and pure ambient.
131.R.A.W. - Sudden Death
the other r.a.w. track from the otaku compilation. impressive as well!
132.EPC & A.N.T.I. - Sharpomatic
noisy hardcore with a total "piss off!" attitude.
133.Burning Lazy Persons - Dorami De Onanie
onanism will give you a mental disorder that allows you to create wonderful nasty hardcore tracks like this.
134.Burning Lazy Persons - Fish Tenpuraaaaa
fish fried well, and served for this solid hardcore dish.
135.Burning Lazy Persons - Mongolian Chop
typical nawoto suzuki. mental and dangerous. awesome.
136.Burning Lazy Persons - Niko Niko Satujin Dan
ooh I'm freaking out.
137.Taciturne - Boys Don't Cry RMX
the original "remix" version. i'm also lovin' it.
138.Taciturne - Evil Dead
a kick straight to the face.
139.P. Server - Intensioner
wonderful acid techno.
140.Eradicator - Liebe Und Verbrechen
very strange and surreal gabber track.
141.Monoloop - For The Lord
monumental, experimental and exceptional breakcore with a runtime of over 7 minutes.
142.Burning Lazy Persons - Rotter…damn
funny piss take on rotterdam hardcore. includes a piano, but not in a typical happy gabber way!
143.Burning Lazy Persons - T.C.H.C.
nasty and nice.
144.Monoloop - Kills Again
a track to die for.
145.Monoloop - Free Man
noone is ever free. except the experimental hardcore resistance! (or, in this case, early breakcore).
146.Taciturne - Nightchildren RMX
lullaby of terror for the night children.
147.Taciturne - Mo Punk RMX
do you feel lucky, punk?
148.Monoloop - She's A Lion
early breakcore from hamburg
So, that's it! Over and out. Did you like our charts? Let us know!

To begin with the story, we became a couple at the end of 2019. I was interested in another girl before she confessed to me so I rejected her at first, but I haphazardly said I would be with her due to some complications (too personal) a few days later. I was a boring guy, barely functional and ready to end it all after repaying everyone that I know, so I thought after her infatuated period she would see who I was, leave me and search for happiness elsewhere. I would prioritise myself before hers which is very bad, I know, which was an idea that she will leave me eventually right? TLDR: I invited another girl to try league to have 5 man squad, she was new and suck at the game, everyone scolded the new girl and I felt very guilty since 2 other people join I left with the other girl to teach her about it. I shared personal stuff with her and I considered myself as best friends. My girlfriend who was in the squad felt jealous regarding this issue for 4 years now even though I explained "Hey I was the one who invited her and if we just kicked her, it feels so bad for her." I was pretty competitive (Playing ADC) and I would criticise everyone, including myself (I was and still am crazy, would play and watch VODs at least 3 times and see what to improve on and hit myself for making misplays). So she would mention how competitive I was and say (not word for word but a gist of it) "I thought you were competitive, she played so badly and you did not scold her or anything but would scold everyone else when they make mistakes" That is honestly a valid point, like really valid, which I said "She is new to the game, imagine being mean to someone that has no idea what is going on, it is just really unfair. I criticise people who I played with for a long time, know how I want the game to play out and still make the same mistake again and again. I never scolded Friend A (This Friend A played for an amateur team in DOTA2), he has never played league before so there is no reason to be mad at him. I never scolded Friend B (who got masters a few seasons ago) who did not play league for months and played poorly due to preseason changes." This was one part of it for her leaving me. Another short story, I never scolded her for her mistakes, even after she went on about my mistakes and specifically asked me to never play Jhin again (I still remember it, it was an off game on Jhin). Not just in league. Even in real life, I never raised my voice at her, never did anything to her that she did not want to.
In 2020, we were in this community which eventually got a huge drama between a huge group of people and her (I cannot go too specific in this). She brought up some glaring points about a person and there were huge allegations back regarding the points that she brought up, however, there was no real evidence to witch-hunt that person other than the things he said which were dark humour in everyone's eyes. Everyone defended that person and pushed her into a corner (metaphorically, not physically). I also believe that the person was just making dark humour jokes, and would try to stop everyone from attacking her instead of siding with her. I said "If anything, I should be the one to be attacked as I am responsible as well.", but the group and I had been friends for almost 4-5 years, they kept saying I did nothing wrong and she should be the one taking responsibility, which I then say "They are not being sensible here". They eventually stopped to show some respect to me. She felt betrayed as I did not choose to side with her, but to sit on the fence regarding this issue. It is another reason that she left me. Up until 2024, I was trying to get those people who were involved to apologise to her, saying that they went too far but to no avail. I would stop talking to the group of people, but still have some chat from time to time (this is also pretty important).
This is also in 2020, I gave her my password thinking "I don't have anything to hide right?" It was one of my worst mistakes as she could access the past messages that I sent to another girl (the one that I had a crush on). I have been trying since 2017-18 till I got together with my girlfriend. The thing is that there is nothing, but the efforts of trying to get the other girl's attention and even skipping lunch to get her stuff ticked her off. (I worked part-time to buy tickets and gifts for the other girl) (I fucking regret this as well, now that I have grown up, it is embarrassing to simp that hard for a crush) I apologised for my past actions, which is being a fucking simp, but this would be brought up countless of times when we fought.
I started to feel love towards her at this point, in the sense that her love for me was not infatuation but actual love. I had bad experiences back then, a girl asked me out and a month later said that it was infatuation and broke up, and the other one cheated on me with my best friend at that time. (This might be important? I am not sure whether I want to speak about it or not) I felt that maybe this was the one proper relationship I would have.
Following that in late 2021 to 2023, I would do a mandatory 2-year work and it was really strict. They would send personnel to check on you if you took a medical certificate. I would sometimes take a medical certificate to visit her, risking the chance of getting caught. Sometimes, they would call me asking where am I and why am I not at my house. I would say I went to get food and would be back in 30 minutes and quickly took a cab back home. Ok, why this part is important is that I had 2 surgeries in 2022 and have a 6-month + 4-month medical certificate. I explained that we could not meet up due to me being unable to walk and on crutches, but I would still go out and meet up with her. There are times when I just pretend to be fine and not use crutches to make her feel less embarrassed and bad, but in actuality, it fucking hurts, every step, every movement hurts.
After I could walk, I had to go back office and do normal work. So being the spoiled child I am, I would be tired and tell her that maybe going out daily is too tiring so let's go out from time to time. She agreed with it which I did not pick on as lowering her standards for me. I would fuck up by saying that I will go back to the game which in turn go back to the community that hurt her. We would argue about this and all the other stuff that she was pent up about. I will talk about how we argue later on. Late 2023 was one of the huge turning points where I felt that there was no end basically, we would always be arguing and I started having doubts about whether she loved me. (Her backstory is fucking sad, basically had a really really bad past, you could not imagine it, her previous boyfriend cheated on her, less trusting with people, has only me to entertain her and now me that does not show enough love)
As time went on after that argument, I started taking the avoidant approach, whatever she said in the argument was right. I am a narcissist, I am egotistical, and I don't love her, with this amount of care and love no wonder my ex cheated on me, friends called me out saying what I did was fucked, etc. I would agree and head to bed. I started caring less and less about arguments and I know that it is wrong, but every time we argued I would get so agitated and do stupid things, so to solve that I decided to do the dumbest thing on earth if you are in a relationship, to care less about the argument.
In University, I would pretend to be a normal human being and not be stupid. I would study countless hours, having breaks in between the sessions of course. I know my foundation is bad, so I had to study more than other people. We would go out 2-3 times a week and at some point, it became 2-3 times a month cause I was too focused on school, to get the future (I moved it below this paragraph). I scored pretty well, currently 4.8 GPA, got my professor's recommendation and became a part-time research assistant, but what did it cost? Everything that we had built. I would always say that I am busy with school work, projects, and studying for a test, and that is 100% my fault. I would always say that it is for our future, with a high GPA and first-class honours, I will get more pay and we don't have to worry about money ever again. However, that is not what she wanted. She wanted to spend time with me, to enjoy life with me, while I was hyper-focus on the future and she did say that she would not be in it no matter how many times we argued about it. She had period cramps, her mental health declining due to lack of job offers and is alone while I am focusing on the future. The future is important, not saying that it is not, but I failed to see what is important and that is my family, how am I going to get the future that I wanted if I don't help her now? I regret not being able to see this part until the very end where she said she wanted to have a break from me and could be friends afterwards.
About myself, I am one of the dumbest people on planet Earth if you compare people without complications. I went the long route in terms of education, 4 years in high school, 4 years in pre-university (diploma) (17-21) and only now starting university at 24. (I don't know any US terms) I have low self-esteem and apparently, I am the worst person alive as well. I mentioned that I wanted to end it all after repaying everyone that I know, for the time spent and taking care of me. My mental health improved when I was with her, believing that I could live until old and protect her. So I decided to go to university for 2 reasons, 1. To impress her family and 2. To get a good job and not let her worry about financial issues. (Oh, I am a foreigner so I would be bullied in school and fight back to protect myself, which led me to study less and fake being a menace. Came to this country without a penny, mother had to work 3 part-time jobs to support my siblings and me. Everyone had lunch money and I had nothing. Even now my allowance is $250 per month) I see financial stability is what makes a good and stable, and I started to see the future which in turn made me blind to the present. I want to meet her. but it is an hour-and-a-half trip to her house and another hour-and-a-half back home which I find to be inefficient. 3 hours spent not doing anything and it is going to be crowded on the train (so I have to stand for an hour-and-a-half back home tired). She mentioned that I could get a driver's license, which is true, I am stupid (this was after she said she wanted to have a break from me). There are times when she would say things that hurt me, but I let it go as she had a sad past and I understand that she does not mean it when she said it. (I can't take it honestly) My love language is affirmation of words so words hurt me x100. She would get me gifts, but that is not how I see it. I would accept it, loving the gifts, but all I wanted was a pat on my head and say I did well. She did say I did not spend enough time with her and gave examples of someone she knew flying to other states and driving his significant other to his house. My brother would take MC and leave to bring his girlfriend for cruising. My friends can sustain a relationship when we are in the same boat (in university). I said those friends can be in a relationship because they spend time studying together, while when we spend time I have to spend 3 hours in transport and risk lowering my grades. However, everything is just an excuse.
She blocked me everywhere due to me trying to plead with her countless times when she did say that she wanted to have a break from me. So here comes the question, how can I improve myself as a person for that time when she is ready to communicate with me? I am trying hard not to go back to the same mindset as before. How to improve on not being a narcissist and egotist? What do I do to improve my self-esteem issues? How to not worry about her finding another man before I even prove myself? How to start seeing colours again and not hear static everywhere? Am I lacking as a person? Only she could pull me out of the well that I am currently in. How do I cry my heart out? I have only been able to tear up but not cry even though my heart is killing me. I tried searching for it but nothing worked, listening to sad music, watching sad movies, laying in a fetal position and pretending to cry, nothing worked. I am starting to think that maybe she is right about me not loving her. What am I supposed to do? I love her... I have been trying to eat for the past few days, but everything just came out after it entered. Please help me
PS. Please focus on me instead of anyone involved. I want to improve as a person and know what to do to get her attention back. I will be deleting this post in a few days.

Finn Tresscoat, a 20-year-old with short dark brown hair, brown eyes, and a pale complexion, strolled down the sidewalk of his small town. He wore a light brown leather jacket over a black shirt, paired with black jeans and black-and-white sneakers.
As Finn ambled along, he glanced at the many shops lining the main road of the town's bustling center. He wasn't searching for anything in particular; he simply wanted to enjoy the rare day off from his job, one of the most perilous occupations in the United West (U.W.).
"Finn! Oh, Finn!"
Finn turned his head to the right and spotted Ms. Tori Elortor, or simply Ms. Tori as he called her. She was an older lady in her early fifties, though her youthful appearance often surprised the townsfolk. With long white hair cascading down her back, pale skin, and bright hazel eyes, she was a striking figure. Today, she wore a navy blue sundress over a pair of tight blue jeans and brown cowboy boots.
Ms. Tori, the local bakery owner, was considered quite attractive and often caught the eye of the younger men in town. Her curvaceous figure and active lifestyle, including regular yoga sessions in the park, only added to her allure. However, Finn saw her differently. Having known her since childhood and feeling like part of her family, he saw her as a maternal figure rather than anything else. He was also close to her son, Eric, feeling like an older brother to him.
Despite his demanding job, which kept him busy for nearly twenty-four-seven, Finn always tried to visit Ms. Tori and Eric whenever he could. Today was a rare opportunity for him to relax and reconnect.
"Ah, hi Ms. Tori! How are you today?" Finn greeted her with a warm smile.
Ms. Tori returned his smile. "I'm just fine, Finn. The real question is, how are you? I haven't seen you in months!" Her tone shifted to one of concern. "I was worried, and so was Eric. You do have quite a dangerous job for someone so young," she added.
What kind of dangerous job did Finn have, you might ask?
Well, Finn was a "Gaunt Hunter," a member of a specialized group tasked with safeguarding the small towns outside the major cities in the United West from creatures known as Gaunts.
These slim, humanoid creatures had leathery black skin, no eyes or nose, and wide mouths that drooled a strange dark green liquid. They had emerged after the cataclysmic "Decade of Winter."
The Gaunts varied in form and capability. Some were very muscular, while others had bat-like wings, allowing them to fly. They were also cunning, often creating weapons from scavenged materials and hunting in packs.
Disturbingly, these were just the common variants.
There were tales of Gaunts resembling animals and some that could even speak, though Finn himself had never encountered such anomalies.
Despite the ominous title of Gaunt Hunter, Finn's role wasn't as glamorous as one might imagine.
He wasn't a high-tech, gadget-wielding hero. Gaunt Hunters received training similar to regular police officers, focusing on the use of firearms. However, since firearms were not commonly traded or shipped to the smaller towns outside the major cities, Gaunt Hunters were also taught to wield swords, knives, and other melee weapons, as well as trained in close-range combat.
Finn had been trained to fire a pistol but also learned to fight with a machete, which was more practical for their needs than a traditional sword. On duty, he carried a standard-issue Glock-17 and a machete strapped to his side. He also wore the standard protective gear issued to United West Security Forces (UWSF) officers.
Returning to the conversation with Ms. Tori, Finn let out a lighthearted chuckle. "Dangerous for most of the veterans on the job, but I'm young and fit! Practically invincible!" he said with a grin.
Ms. Tori gave Finn an unimpressed look, raising an eyebrow. "Is that right?" she asked. "Then what's this I hear about a Gaunt nearly taking your head off just last week?"
Finn's face flushed with embarrassment as he recalled the incident. A Gaunt had caught him off guard and nearly decapitated him with a makeshift axe. "Okay... yeah, fair enough," he admitted, looking down.
Ms. Tori's expression softened, and she gave him a few light taps on the shoulder. "Oh, I'm not trying to make you feel bad, Finn, I'm just reminding you that your job is dangerous… You need to be careful," she said gently.
Finn looked up at her and nodded. "I know, and thank you for caring," he replied. Inwardly, he thought, 'It's not like anyone else does'
"Of course, I care, Finn," Ms. Tori said firmly. "Do you know how devastated I'd be if you got hurt or, heaven forbid, died? I'd be heartbroken,” she told him. “Eric would be even worse off, after all, who would play with him?"
Finn felt a wave of warmth at her words. Despite not wanting to worry Ms. Tori or Eric, it was comforting to know there were people who cared about him, and who wanted him to stay safe and come back home. "I guess you're right," he said with a soft smile. "I'll try to be more careful out there, I promise,”
Ms. Tori nodded, her smile lingering. "Good,” she said. “Now, how many days do you have off?" she asked.
"Not many," Finn replied with a sigh. "Just today,"
Ms. Tori's eyes widened in shock. "Only today? Why?" She asked.
Finn's expression turned serious. "Many of the other Gaunt Hunters are either dead, retiring, or switching to become cops... There are only ten of us left in the entire town,"
Ms. Tori's eyes widened in horror. Gaunt Hunters were the primary defense against the Gaunts. The law across the U.W. dictated that local law enforcement dealt with human issues, leaving Gaunt-related threats to the Hunters. The thought of their numbers dwindling was terrifying.
Each town was supposed to have a contingent of Gaunt Hunters, given that small towns were the primary targets for Gaunt attacks.
Major cities, in contrast, rarely had to deal with Gaunts.
The dense populations of these urban centers acted as a deterrent, scaring off most Gaunt packs. Even if a small group of Gaunts did manage to attack, the cities were equipped with heavy weaponry and advanced defenses, making Gaunt Hunters unnecessary there.
This starkly contrasted with the dire need for Gaunt Hunters in the smaller, more vulnerable towns.
Ideally, each small town would have around fifty Gaunt Hunters, a number intended to ensure adequate protection against the Gaunt threat. However, the reality was far grimmer. The inherent dangers and heavy responsibilities associated with the job dissuaded many from becoming Gaunt Hunters. The perilous nature of the work, combined with the constant threat of death, resulted in a severe shortage of recruits.
As a result, the numbers in many towns had dwindled alarmingly.
"Only ten?" she repeated her voice barely above a whisper. "That's... alarming… What happens if more Gaunts come?"
"We do our best," Finn said, trying to sound confident. "But it's tough… Every day, we’re stretched thinner,"
Ms. Tori took a deep breath, trying to process the gravity of the situation.
Finn felt a lump in his throat. "I promise, Ms. Tori. I'll do everything I can to stay safe," he said, trying to remind her if his promise mere moments ago.
Ms. Tori wanted to argue with Finn's comment, but deep down, she knew he was somewhat right. The town was struggling—trade had slowed to a trickle, and many residents had moved away. The constant threat of Gaunt attacks made living there increasingly untenable. Even Ms. Tori had considered leaving to ensure Eric’s safety and to give him a chance to grow up in a more stable environment where he could interact with other children and experience the broader world.
However, she couldn’t bring herself to leave.
Her late husband was buried in this town, and even though years had passed since his death, she felt tied to the place where he rested. She had loved this town deeply, and in a way, staying felt like keeping a part of him alive.
Seeing the conflict in her eyes, Finn decided to change the subject. "Hey, why don't I come over for dinner?" he suggested with a soft smile. "I'm sure Eric would be happy to see me after so long,”
Ms. Tori was pulled out of her thoughts by his offer. She smiled, grateful for his willingness to spend his rare day off with them. "That would be lovely, Finn," she said with a quick nod.
They walked together to Ms. Tori's home, a modest three-bedroom house with a large attic. Inside, they found Eric sitting in front of the TV, watching cartoons. Hearing Finn’s voice, Eric turned, his face lighting up with excitement. He jumped out of his seat and ran to give Finn a hug.
Eric was about 11 years old, with brown hair like his deceased father but hazel eyes like his mother. He was wearing a dark black and blue striped shirt, dark gray pants, and black slip-on shoes.
Finn hugged him back, smiling. "I've got some stories to tell over dinner," he said, which made Eric's eyes sparkle with anticipation.
He loved hearing about the world beyond their town, even if it was mostly filled with woods and the ruins of an old world.
Finn then followed Ms. Tori into the kitchen to help prepare dinner. He found what he could and handed the items to her, glad to be of assistance. Ms. Tori thanked him and asked if he could help chop vegetables, which he was more than happy to do.
As they worked side by side, Ms. Tori glanced at Finn, her expression a mix of gratitude and concern. "You know, Finn, this town means a lot to me,” she told him “It’s where I built my life with my husband, and it’s where I want Eric to grow up, despite everything,"
Finn nodded, understanding the deep attachment she had. "I get it, Ms. Tori. This place has a lot of memories, and as long as I'm here, I'll do my best to keep it safe for you and Eric,"
Ms. Tori smiled warmly. "I know you will, Finn... Thank you,”
Dinner was a warm, lively affair. Eric listened intently to Finn’s stories, hanging on every word. The laughter and conversation filled the small home, creating a moment of normalcy amidst the chaos of their world. For a brief time, the threats outside seemed distant, and they enjoyed the simple pleasure of being together.
After a few bites, Eric looked at Finn eagerly. "Can you tell me one of your stories, Finn?" he asked, his eyes bright with anticipation.
Finn nodded, swallowing a mouthful of food. "Well, a couple of days ago, I was out with two or three other Hunters, we had just finished fighting off a few Gaunts, once they were dealt with, we decided to explore the area since it was the site of an old abandoned amusement park,” he began. “Some of the rides were still standing, though most were broken and destroyed, it was interesting to see the tech they used to have back then," Finn recounted.
Eric's eyes widened with excitement. "Wow! That's awesome!" he exclaimed.
Finn grinned. "It was pretty cool, but it’s nothing compared to some of the parks I saw in Salton Lake City! Those places are amazing,"
Eric's eyes gleamed at the mention of the nearby city. "Man, I want to go there someday!" he said enthusiastically. "Maybe when I start my training to be a Gaunt Hunter," he added with a big smile.
Finn chuckled. "So, you want to be a Gaunt Hunter, huh?" he asked. "You think you’ve got what it takes?"
Eric nodded vigorously. "Uh-huh! I know I can be a Gaunt Hunter! I bet I can even be better than you!" he declared, pointing at Finn.
Finn raised an eyebrow, amused. "Oh really?" he said. "Who's to say I'm not the best of the best, huh?"
Eric gave him a smug smirk. "Because if you were the best Hunter, you'd have already gotten rid of all the Gaunts!" he said confidently.
Finn chuckled. "Well, you got me there," he admitted. "But hey, if you think you can be the best and get rid of all the Gaunts, then I say go for it, dude."
Eric chuckled and resumed eating, his enthusiasm undimmed. Ms. Tori watched the two with a fond smile, marveling at the brotherly bond between them. It warmed her heart to see how close they had become. She knew that Finn cherished this connection just as much as Eric did, especially since Finn had grown up without a family of his own, raised in the local orphanage.
She recalled those early days when a young Finn would walk into the bakery, clutching a few coins. His eyes would light up with wonder at the sight of the treats and goodies lining the shelves. Something about him had touched her heart, and she began offering him free treats for him and the other orphans whenever he visited. Her late husband had also taken a liking to Finn, treating him like the son they never had. When Finn decided to become a Gaunt Hunter, it was her husband who had helped him prepare for the rigorous training, getting him into shape and offering constant encouragement.
After her husband's death, it was Finn who helped her grieve and find the strength to carry on. She had felt terrible about leaning on him during such a hard time, knowing he had his own sadness to deal with, yet he remained steadfast and strong. He had been there for her and for Eric, helping the young boy understand their loss and navigate the difficult times that followed.
She was truly grateful to have Finn in her life.
Suddenly, Finn's phone vibrated insistently in his pocket. He quickly reached for it and saw a text message from work. He opened it, dreading what it might say.
[~Finn, we need you tonight. Jon and Gary quit out of the blue, so we need someone to fill in.~]
Finn sighed, frustration bubbling up inside him. 'Great, now we're down to eight Hunters,' he thought. 'And Jon and Gary were both my age and in better shape than the veterans at the station.'
Ms. Tori noticed the change in his expression and knew immediately what it meant. "Does duty call, Finn?" she asked gently.
Finn nodded, his expression weary. "Yeah, looks like Jon and Gary quit. They need me to cover tonight."
Ms. Tori sighed, placing a comforting hand on his arm. "I'm sorry, Finn. I know how much you were looking forward to some time off."
"It's alright," Finn said, forcing a smile. "I knew it was a long shot anyway. The town needs all the help it can get."
Eric looked up, concern etched on his young face. "Do you have to go, Finn?"
Finn ruffled the boy's hair affectionately. "Yeah, buddy. Duty calls. But I'll be back, and we’ll have more stories to share. I promise."
Ms. Tori gave him a supportive nod. "Just promise us you'll stay safe, Finn."
"I will," Finn assured her. He stood up, preparing to leave. "Thanks for dinner, Ms. Tori. It was great, as always."
As he left the warm, comforting atmosphere of Ms. Tori's home and headed out into the cold night, Finn felt a renewed sense of purpose. Despite the exhaustion and the ever-present danger, he knew he had to keep fighting. For the town, for Eric, and for the memory of the man who had helped him become who he was.
Once at the station, Finn entered and immediately spotted Dick Cortez, a veteran Gaunt Hunter who had been safeguarding the town for as long as Finn could remember. Dick, now in his 50s, had graying hair, deep-set wrinkles, and perpetually tired eyes. He was wearing the standard-issue armor that all Gaunt Hunters received, though each Hunter was allowed to customize their armor with different colors and modifications.
Dick's armor consisted of a high-collar black shirt beneath a modified, pure black chest plate that covered his upper abdomen, along with similarly-colored bracers. Both the chest plate and bracers were trimmed with white and featured matching shoulder pads. He also wore gloves with small metal plating on the fingers, dark navy jeans, black and white metal knee pads, and dark brown boots.
Dick noticed Finn and offered a small smile. "Heya, Finn," he greeted.
"Hey yourself, Dick," Finn replied with a nod.
"Sorry about having to bring you in on your day off," Dick said, his tone genuinely apologetic.
Finn walked over to his locker, where his armor and weapons were stored. He glanced at Dick and shrugged, giving a small smile. "It's alright, Dick. I understand why, and I'm not angry—well, not at you, but at those two," Finn said, referring to Jon and Gary.
Dick nodded in understanding. "Trust me, I'm disappointed in them too, but I can see why they left so suddenly," he said.
Finn nodded back, opening his locker to reveal his armor. His armor was similar to Dick's but differed in color and the clothing underneath. Finn wore his usual attire beneath the armor, which consisted of a dark brown chest plate trimmed with black, matching bracers, shoulder pads, knee pads, and gloves.
He took the armor out and quickly dressed, securing the pieces in place. He then grabbed his Glock and its holster, strapping it around his waist, and added his machete in its sheath. Once fully suited up, he turned to Dick with a raised brow. "Which side of town am I patrolling tonight?"
"Outer wall, west side," Dick stated, his voice firm.
Finn nodded, mentally preparing himself for the task ahead. The west side of the outer wall was notorious for Gaunt activity, a hotspot for their attacks. It was going to be a long night.
As he headed out, Dick called after him, "Stay sharp out there, Finn. We can't afford to lose any more good Hunters."
Finn turned back and gave a resolute nod. "I will, Dick. See you in the morning."
Once outside the city, Finn couldn't help but take in the grim sight of the outer wall. It was marred with deep scratches and chips from relentless Gaunt attacks, stained with the dark green goo that dripped from their slavering mouths, and speckled with bloodstains that would never fully wash away. The stark contrast between this battered exterior and the inner walls of the town was striking. Inside, the walls were adorned with chalk drawings from children and vibrant murals from the town's artists. These cheerful images served as a reminder of what he was protecting, and why he had chosen to become a Gaunt Hunter in the first place.
Reaching the west side of the wall, Finn began his patrol, moving back and forth to ensure no Gaunts were attempting to scale the barrier. For now, the night was quiet, and he hoped it would remain that way.
As he walked his beat, his thoughts drifted back to dinner with Eric and the boy's enthusiastic declaration about becoming a Gaunt Hunter. While part of him felt honored by Eric's admiration, another part was deeply troubled. The life of a Hunter was dangerous and filled with horrors that no one should have to witness, let alone a young boy like Eric.
Finn's mind flashed back to a particularly gruesome memory from a past patrol. He and another Hunter had been called to assist in repelling a large pack of Gaunts. They had rushed to the scene, only to find their comrades dead, slaughtered in horrific ways. One Hunter's skull had been cracked open, with Gaunts eating from it as if it were a bowl of grapes. Another Hunter, still alive, was being disemboweled and devoured. Finn could never forget the man's agonized expression as he watched his own entrails being torn apart and consumed. The sight had been so revolting that Finn had vomited on the spot, paralyzed by shock until his partner snapped him back to reality.
Then there were the stories he had heard from veterans like Dick. Dick once recounted an incident where a Hunter had been speared to death by multiple Gaunts. They hadn't even eaten him; they had just impaled him repeatedly, leaving his body to rot in the woods for days. Such tales highlighted the Gaunts' malevolence and complete lack of empathy.
Finn shuddered at the memories. He didn't want Eric to face such nightmares. The boy was full of life and potential, and Finn couldn't bear the thought of him enduring the same horrors he had.
Since that harrowing incident and the chilling story Dick had shared, Finn had sworn to himself that he wouldn't meet a similar fate. He vowed to go out fighting, to not end up like those other hunters. He couldn't bear the thought of becoming another victim, especially after what happened to his sister.
The sudden howl nearby jolted Finn out of his grim thoughts. The sound was close—too close. Instantly alert, he scanned his surroundings. Just then, something whizzed past his face, slicing his cheek. He turned to see a makeshift arrow embedded in the wall. Spinning back around, his heart sank as he saw ten Gaunts emerging from the tree line.
"Shit!" Finn cursed, his eyes widening in horror. This was a dire situation. He quickly drew his Glock and aimed at the advancing creatures. Before he could fire, a sharp pain seared through his left side. He glanced down to see a small dagger lodged in his torso.
'What the hell?' Finn thought, bewildered. 'Did one of the Gaunts throw this?'
"Sorry, but it's nothing personal," a strange voice echoed through the darkness.
Finn's gaze snapped forward, and he saw a figure emerging from the shadows. They wore a long black cloak that seemed to envelop them completely, giving the eerie impression that they were gliding across the ground rather than walking.
The figure approached him, their face obscured by the cloak's hood. "My, you are a handsome young man," they purred in a sultry tone. "Such a fucking shame that my babies must eat. We've been on the run, and they haven't had a chance to rest and eat until we saw you." They giggled, a chilling sound that sent shivers down Finn's spine.
Fear gripped Finn, but he managed to look up at the cloaked figure with a raised brow. "W-Who are you?" he stammered, his voice wavering.
The figure tilted their head slightly as if amused by his question. "Who am I?" they echoed. "I am their mother, their caretaker. I ensure they survive, even if it means feeding them humans like you." The figure leaned closer, and Finn could just make out a twisted smile beneath the hood.
Finn's mind raced. He needed to think of a way out, and fast. The Gaunts were closing in, and he was injured and at a severe disadvantage. Summoning his remaining strength, he clutched his Glock tighter and tried to steady his breath. He couldn't let this be the end.
The figure's giggle echoed eerily through the night, sending a shiver down Finn's spine. "Oh! Now I'm regretting stabbing you," they remarked with a twisted amusement. "It's not every day a handsome young man asks me my name, you know? Most prefer a no-name policy." Their tone was cryptic, and Finn couldn't shake the feeling of unease that settled in his gut. "While I would love to give you my name in far better circumstances, I'm afraid I don't have the time," they continued, their words dripping with urgency. "As I said, we're on the run from a rather unpleasant girl."
Finn's confusion only deepened. The figure's response didn't provide any clarity, leaving him even more perplexed. As the figure began to back away, Finn's eyes widened in shock as the Gaunts beside them moved in unison. ‘She can... control them!?’ he realized, disbelief washing over him.
"Go ahead, babies... EAT!" the figure commanded, her voice chillingly calm.
With a sickening lurch in his stomach, Finn watched as the Gaunts surged forward, their hunger palpable in the air. Determination surged within him, driving him to fight against the odds stacked against him. Ignoring the searing pain from his wound, he raised his gun and fired at the approaching Gaunts. Despite his efforts, only one was hit, and even then, it didn't slow down.
Finn gritted his teeth, preparing for the inevitable close-quarter battle with the monsters. "Come on!" he growled defiantly. "I'm right here!"
The Gaunts closed in, their predatory instincts driving them forward. Just as they leaped toward him, ready to strike, something unexpected occurred.
Thorny vines erupted from the ground, snaking around the Gaunts with incredible speed. Finn's eyes widened in astonishment as the vines ensnared the creatures, halting their advance. The vines twisted and contorted, slamming the Gaunts into the ground with brutal force, tearing at their flesh and rendering them helpless.
" Damn! How did that bitch already find us!?" the figure exclaimed, frustration evident in their voice.
Finn's gaze followed the figure's gaze as a new figure emerged from the shadows.
Her appearance was striking, to say the least. With a spiky red Mohawk and piercing red eyes devoid of any white, she exuded an aura of fierce determination. Smudged mascara framed her intense gaze, adding to her wild and untamed appearance. Her lips were painted black, a stark contrast to her fiery red hair and eyes. Clad in a black leather crop top vest that accentuated her slim, athletic frame, she exuded an air of defiance. Arm bands encircled her wrists and biceps, resembling the wraps worn by boxers, hinting at her combat prowess. Around her neck, she wore a large choker, adding to her rebellious demeanor. Her attire was completed by tight leather pants and high-heeled platform boots, giving her an imposing presence.
"Found you, ya freaking cunt!" she spat, her voice laced with venom.
The cloaked figure retreated, increasing the distance between them and the girl. "Ugh, don't you ever give up?" they retorted, their tone tinged with irritation.
The girl leveled a fierce glare at the figure. "After the shit you've done!? I ain't letting you go!" she declared, her voice dripping with disdain.
The figure let out a mocking giggle. "Is that so?" they taunted, gesturing toward Finn who lay wounded on the ground. "Not even to save his life?"
The girl's gaze shifted to Finn, her expression softening momentarily as she registered his injuries. Before she could react, a shrill howl pierced the air, drawing their attention back to the figure.
"What the hell did you do!?" the girl demanded, her voice trembling with rage.
"Oh, just called in a few friends over for dinner," the figure replied casually.
"You bitch!" the girl seethed.
With a swift motion, she thrust her hand forward, summoning a massive vine with thorns protruding from its surface. The vine lunged toward the figure, but they evaded the attack with agile grace, darting away through the forest.
"Have fun~!" they taunted, their laughter echoing through the trees as they disappeared into the darkness.
Driven by determination, the girl pursued the figure, her footsteps echoing through the forest. However, her path was suddenly obstructed as a horde of Gaunts emerged from the shadows, blocking her way with menacing snarls and bared teeth.
"Get out of my way!" the girl cried, her voice ringing with determination.
In an instant, a smaller thorned vine shot out of the ground with startling speed, piercing through the approaching Gaunts like a bullet. Lifted into the air by the force of the vine, the creatures were hurled aside, crashing into trees with bone-crushing force.
As more Gaunts emerged from the shadows behind her, four shots echoed through the air. Finn's aim was true, striking the advancing Gaunts and causing them to writhe in agony as they fell to the ground. The girl glanced back to see Finn's timely intervention, offering a silent nod of acknowledgment before focusing her attention back on the remaining threats. Summoning more vines, she ensnared the creatures, tearing them apart with ruthless efficiency.
Satisfied that the immediate danger had passed, the girl turned back towards Finn, who was now sitting against the wall, applying pressure to his wound.
Bending down beside him, the girl flashed a smile, revealing sharp triangular teeth reminiscent of a shark. "Nice shooting there, dude. Really saved my ass back there," she remarked.
Finn managed a weak chuckle. "I should be thanking you. If you hadn't shown up, I'd be Gaunt food," he admitted.
"Let's call it even, then, eh?" she suggested. "What's your name?" she inquired.
Finn met her gaze, taking a moment to catch his breath before responding. "Finn, Finn Tresscoat," he introduced himself. Curiosity burning in his eyes, he posed a question in return. "Who are you? No... What are you?" he asked, unable to shake off the mystery surrounding her.
The girl maintained her enigmatic smile, meeting his gaze with her striking red eyes. "The name's Rachel Rose," she revealed. "As for what I am, well... I can answer that once you're all patched up," she added cryptically.
Summoning another vine, Rachel gently lifted Finn to his feet, supporting him as they began to make their way back towards town. With each step, Finn's mind buzzed with questions, the mysteries surrounding Rachel and her abilities swirling in his thoughts. Who was the cloaked figure? How did they control the Gaunts? And most pressing of all, who—or what—was Rachel, and how was she able to command those vines with such ease?
As they walked back toward town, Finn couldn't help but feel the weight of exhaustion settle upon him, both physically and mentally. His thoughts swirled with questions about the events that had just transpired—about Rachel, the cloaked figure, and the unsettling abilities they both possessed. Yet, amidst the chaos of his mind, one pressing question emerged, demanding attention above all else.
'When the hell am I gonna get another day off? Because I can sure as hell use it right now...!' Finn thought to himself, his weariness palpable.
Rachel, walking beside him, seemed to sense his inner turmoil. Casting him a sidelong glance, she offered a reassuring smile. "Don't worry, Finn. You'll have your chance to rest soon," she assured him, her voice carrying a note of empathy.
Finn managed a weary smile in return, grateful for the reassurance. Despite the gravity of their situation, her words offered a glimmer of hope amidst the uncertainty that loomed over them…

In a relationship with the best woman I could have asked for, she is not without her faults but the life we have made has taken me out of decades of depression. Our little jokes and hearing her laugh and sing makes me forget about anything from my past.
Started a new job 4 months ago, the job is mindless and physically difficult but the people make it great. At first I didnt notice her, she works in another department kept herself to herself and only saw her briefly from day to day. Maybe it's because she is the only attractive woman my age that works there but combined with her friendly personality she has been hard to ignore any longer. On a work night out she insisted on being glued to my hip for the whole evening.
We then gradually started spending more and more time together always laughing and joking together. We have all the little "in jokes" that nobody else understands and then the texting started, (I have since cut off this aspect) we started working out together at the gym (possibly replacing the physical contact that I told her couldn't happen)
I know it has to stop, I've started looking for new jobs, will cut all ties with her when I do. It would kill my fiance to know how i feel about her. When it became more than just a flirty crush I knew it had gone too far. Physically nothing has happened and we have both tried to be respectful of our relationships. I tried to cut it off the other day but I just started crying in the break room.
I wish she was just a friend, if she was a man then literally would have made a life long friend and probably would be best man at my wedding.
I know I'm doing the right thing but it feels awful, but I'm sure it's nothing compared to the pain it would cause my fiance.