I’m a guy from Texas. I’m 5’8, pale, with hazel eyes & black hair.
Some of my interests & hobbies include writing songs & poems, working out, skateboarding, playing basketball, learning about real life mysteries & lost media, & I play video games sometimes. I’m also an MMA fan.
I’m not really expecting much from this, I mean looking for love on Reddit of all places is an all time low lmao. But couldn’t hurt to try. What I look for in a relationship is just someone loyal, honest, someone who will be themself, don’t put on some mask pretending to be something you’re not. But most importantly just someone I share a connection with who I can just hang out & be stupid with, have serious deep conversations, we can encourage eachother to chase our dreams & passions.
I have depression so if that isn’t something you can handle I’m probably not good for you haha.
I’m from America & im thinking of moving to Asia or Europe but any location is fine, I’m not picky about that. As long as you’re 18 or above obviously

B.A.G aka the BIG AS GUN: is an arm cannon used by the general and is the most powerful Bio Weapon the Doctor has created so far its lazer is hot enough to melt diamonds it is 4 ft long and 3ft wide its melee power is just as great as its ranged attack. It takes around 20 minutes for it to charge up for one shot I was made using the meat of the Vita Carnes experiment the Big AS Gun is truly one of the Doctors greatest crafts
THE SCALPEL: The Scalpel is the weapon of choice for the Doctor himself along with his secondary Hell Piercer The Scalpel is 7ft long, 3 in wide it was made from the bones of the Living Tumor it is very durable but must go in for repairs after a confrontation the blade must be shared at the end of every week. The blade of The Scalpel is sharp enough to cut through Steel, the base of The Scalpel is durable enough to withstand 100 tons of force. The Scalpel is now out of commission after the raid on the ring of pride
MICKEY: Mickey is the weapon of choice for the Rubber Hose Reaper Mickey's base is 8 ft long and the blade itself is 4 ft long. Mickey was made and stolen from the Doctor. It was made using the blood, meat, and bones of the Vita Carnes. The blade is sharp enough to cut clean through concrete and it must be sharpened even 2-3 weeks. Mickey is highly dangerous again the Powered because if feeds off of the gene that causes powers themselves to appear, unlike the others that feed off of what they're made of, a shallow cut from Mickey can disable ones power for around 10-15 minutes a deeper cut can lead to your ability being removed completely
THE RUBBER HOSE REAPER: Her real name is unknown but the AVA has very little data on her he ability is to stretch her body and limbs to unknown lengths the farthest even records was 25ft she has an extreme amount of speed, stamina, and durability but lacks strength. She is mainly seen in the ring of lust and greed and may have ties to the gang Mammon and Asmodeus she is a ruthless killer and has killed 50-65% of agents in all 9 rings IF YOU SEE HER RUN DO NOT TRY TO ENGAGE AND ALERT THE AAS IMMEDIATELY
THE TOONS: The Toons are a small and highly dangerous group of people the AVA has classified each member as an SSS+ level threat the same level to that of The Angles of Death the members of the gang have been named Porky, Looney, Toony, and the leader Rubber Hose. Porky is strong but slow he is best to deal with from afar with armor piercing rounds aimed at the head and leg joints if he is to enter close range try to gain distance and aim for the legs and spinel area his rank is S+. The twins Looney and Tooney are the weakest they have moderate speed, low straight and durability but they have high stamina they're ability is unknown and it's theorized that they are the only toons without abilities, they can be fought at any range with ease but it is best to fight them separately in close combat and in an area as flat as possible with little to nothing around for them to use as cover or to gain high ground advantage their rank together is S separately they rank A. The Rubber Hose is the strongest of the group she moves at high speeds, has high stamina and durability her strength is moderate agents who've gone in hand to hand combat with her compare it to that of Mike Tyson's punch, if she is encountered the AVA demands that agents who aren't apart of the AAS do not engage with her and avoid her agents are instructed to stay 25+ feet away from the Rubber Hose and are not to attract attention to themselves if the Rubber Hose attacks non AAS agents they are to try and overwhelm her and prevent her from using Mickey if she has Mickey agents are to run, hide, and contact AVA and the AAS as soon as they are safe the Rubber Hose has been ranked SS+ and I repeat DO NOT ENGAGE WITH THE RUBBER HOSE
LUCIFER AND THE IMPS: Lucifer and the Imps are Benjamin's pets created to be his eyes and ears around the city and the world. Imps are winged creatures, female imps and project images they've seen but said projections have no sound male imps can record sounds they've heard and repeat them exactly they're weak to very high pitched sounds. All Imps are small, light, and fast; they can fly up to 30-45 mph. Lucifer is described as a larger imp with non the abilities it feeds off of flesh of any kind and enjoys chewing on things like wires, pipes, rubber items, and sometimes living things Lucifer has an AA rank
THE KING IN YELLOW: The King in Yellow is described as a “Self-centered egotistical piece of shit” he's always wearing something brightly colored mostly yellow and it's always high class i.e. suits, fancy watches, etc, he enjoys putting on his play The King in Yellow or the Yellow King and he always plays the most important role which is the king himself. He owns hundreds of fancy cars and houses and looks down upon those he sees as lower lifeforms his weakness is his pride he hates to lose and hates it even more if it's a mortal or mortal soul he's only lost to a mortal soul once and too this day he still holds a grudge
THE SCARLET KING: The Scarlet King or The Red King is being of mythos and is the only one to live his eternal life on earth as one of the Elites unlike his brother he doesn't like to draw unnecessary attention to himself he does this by wearing darker clothes and by walking to most places instead of driving. He has a love-hate relationship with humans. His wife was a human but humans are the ones who killed her and even though he never has or will show it he does enjoy living life as a human. His main goal is to protect his daughter Samantha and the love of her life whom he doesn't like
JULE LEE IZENHOWERD III: Jule Lee Izenhowerd III is a member of The Crown, despite being a member of the Izenhowerd bloodline and being the most physically skilled member of The Crown she has remained a Rank 2 doctor for 15 years, the reasons she hasn't been promoted at all is because she has low mana and cannot use useful magical skills i.e teleportation, invisibility, light spells, ect and has been using basic skills since she was hired which are elemental spells. She doesn't like anyone she works with because they talk down to her and call her weak, she only gets along with Doctors Lawrence and Soyer, her familiar is a black cat that was sent to her as a joke and she's highly allergic to Mr.Midnight. She, like everyone else, has her soul tied to her familiar. She hates her bosses, most of her fellow employees, and most of all being called a witch, she always wears her mask on and off hours just in case something needs her attention
JACK HORNER A.K.A. JACK THE RIPPER: Jack The Ripper is a young boy estimated to be 8-10 years of age from England who enjoys reciting lines from mother Goose, poems, books, and films, his real name isn't actually Jack Horner he gave himself the last name for unknown reasons but it's most likely because of his love for mother Goose, he enjoys roaming the slums of Wrath and Greed and killing female prostitutes and cuddling they're dying or dead bodies the reason for this is unknown. He works as an ArchAngel for Benjamin and has been given an SS+ rank he is highly dangerous, he is to be pursued by female agents as all male agents have killed in horrific ways, he tends to sing a version of London bridge is falling down when he's wandering around and his weapon of choice are metal wire and knifes much is unknown about him and the AVA is still investigating
SCIOPHOBIA: Sciophobia is a shadow demon or entity that follows around Benjamin and the other mercenaries. Sciophobia can travel through and interact with shadow, interacting with the shadow of something or someone will also affect it i.e. if it cuts off the arm of your shadow your arm is gone too, it protects Benjamin from attacks by doing this and steals things that he wants, it's one of the biggest problems for the AVA and the Elites as he is shown to have no weakness and can even manifest in complete darkness, he's relatively harmless though as he mainly defends instead of attacks so he had been given a B- rank
O-13 A.K.A. STEVEN: O-13 is a member of the Elites and is one of the only level headed one out of all of them but he's looked down upon because he thinks morally and ethically also because he's an alcoholic who always has his flask filled with booze or a spiked drink, he's been going to a rehab run by his adoptive mother who he calls Ma he's been going to the same rehab for help and to help out ever since he turned 21 he's shown signs of improvement and is now sober during most meetings, he's never seen alone and is always accompanied by O-12 The Cat who's mostly there to keep him sober, keep warm on his head, and watch programs on his face and despite his actions he is not gay.
O-12 A.K.A. THE CAT: The Cat, real name unknown to the public, is a black cat that was found in the Southern Americas she has an English accent, but isn't actually English, and said she was once a “Very smart and capable human” but was turned into a cat by an “A#shole cu#k face” after making a deal with him to have more than one life, she still enjoys reading and researching things and is the head of the animal sleeper agents and was one who came up with the spy camera birds, despite being a high ranking member of society she is not allowed outside without a human handler
O-11-10 A.K.A. THE TWIN SNIPERS: O-11-10 The Twin Snipers are the best of the best in the game they've never missed a shot due to O-11 precise calculations and O-10 large anatomy knowledge, they were found and trained by O-8 after being arrested for commiting a large amount of assassinations in Japan, Russia, China, and Europe. In an interview they admitted to killing their father and mother because they were cruel and unworthy of living. They're always seen together mirroring each other, it's also been reported that they creep out the staff members because of this and they are the second youngest members of the Elite they are the heads of the assassination division
O-9 A.K.A. THE WORLD'S SMARTEST BOY: O-9 is truly the smartest kid the world has to offer with an IQ of 493 and several PHDs, masters, and diplomas, despite this he still says he wants to continue to go to a normal public school and soon graduate elementary, middle, highschool, and college again but at a slower pace, and wants to live a life as normal as possible. Due to him being in school all meetings are to take place after 4:30pm after he has finished his homework and has had his afternoon snack, usually a PB&J with no crust cut in triangles with apple juice and chips, he's a very picky kid who prefers doing things done the “right way” he's the head of the weapons and containment crafts divisions. He has also heavily insisted that he has a schedule prepared for him every single day; NOTE: His last caretaker has quite and he needs a new one
O-8 A.K.A. THE PERFECT SOLDIER: O-8 is truly the perfect soldier she is an expert in all forms of combat, sabotage, trap making, stealth, war tactics, etc, she has mothered and trained O-10 and 11 teaching them how to fight in close and ranged combat she's 6”4 and weighs 290 lbs and is currently banned for the company gym for accidentally breaking equipment, she was born in the Siberian mountains and was taught to fight and hunt by her father, she was a soldier in Russia for 4 years and was later picked up by the Foundation as a Rank 1 soldier and was later promoted by O-2 to join the council, as the head for training and field missions. She is also the head of the AAS, she has successfully completed every mission she's been on, all with little to no casualties and is the only person to fight the Toons and come out alive
O-7 A.K.A. THE PERFECT MAN: O-7 has been described as an “elegant, intelligent, beautiful, and perfect man” he is the perfect height 6 ft, the perfect weight 210 lbs, and has the perfect stats, he achieved this state of perfection by fusing with something just as perfect machines his exoskeleton is made of an almost indestructible metal most of his body is mechanical the only biological things he has left are his brain, a few muscles, his vocal cords, and his nervous system, he enjoys playing chess and spending time time O-4 and prefers for his living quarters to be all white with black accents because as he says “White is the perfect color, because can show every color”, he wanted to become the perfect man after seeing he had an imperfection that being a rare and fatal disease that caused his insides to slowly rot away, there is no cure or vaccine to it because of how fast it kills the infected but O-7 has started to develop a vaccine because “Antibiotics are disgustingly expensive” at the time they were $11.30 the price hasn't changed he is head of the mechanics and medical division
O-6 A.K.A. ANONYMOUS: Anonymous is a mysterious man who always has a mask on he is in charge of the hacker group and making sure the identities for the Elite are not released to the public, he is apart of a long blood line that has done this specific job ever since the Foundation was created whenever that was everyone in the Anonymous family have abilities and are highly skilled in sports, engineering, science, or whatever. His ability is called rot and it allows him to accelerate the life of an object of person when they enter skin to skin contact which is the reason he always wears gloves, he enjoys fencing and playing checkers, mahjong, and cards. He is the head of the intelligence and identity divisions
O-5 A.K.A. THE FISH: O-5 was created purely by accident by O-9 in an attempt to give goldfish a longer memory so he could try and teach it math and how to read, instead is gave him intelligence, he was going to be put down but O-9 begged to keep him reluctantly O-1 approved this he was built a body with a speaker so he could talk, he enjoys “smoking cigarettes” but they just blow bubbles into his bowl he was appointed the job of O-5 after the previous one died of a heart attack due to O-4 he treats O-9 as his son and is head of the communications division
O-4: O-4 has been described as a “ heatless cruel evil “human being”, who'll do anything as long as it benefits him” and all members agree with this statement O-4 is a sociopath who torchers and kills people for fun and entertainment, he has sacrificed many D-class and other employees to satisfy his own needs he often gets on fights with others to brutally beat them to death with and object he can find, his prefered toucher method is make people learn to play string orchestral instruments until their fingers bleed and they get it right, in the act of anyone messing up he'll beat them severally while laughing his reason is “everyone has a fetish right? Well this is mine” he them proceeded to beat the interviewer after asking about ethics and morals, he survived luckily, O-4s only soft stop is O-7 because “He's the only one who can please me in this dumb” he has rejected scar removal treatment and is head of the integration division he must be accompanied by O-7 if he is integrating someone and suffered a mild burn wound during the raid on the ring of the 7 rings
O-3 A.K.A. THE LIVING COMPUTER: He was made in the year 1939 to help put an end to the second world war and help beat the Nazis and Communist in the great space race though he only completed one of them as Communist Russia put an end to war after capturing and killing Adolf Hitler. No one knows who created him or why he's still part of the foundation council but they do know he's still a good asset, after being updated and tweaked to be automatically put into every server in the world by O-2 he has come up with vaccines for many major illnesses and has found cures to them he knows almost everything there is to know, but he is and has always been a “emotionless creep” after staff reported bodies missing from the morgue and investigation led to them being found in O3 server room he was found wearing one of them and using them to communicate with sound, this was overlooked and was call “not a big deal” by O-1. O-3 is head of the Intelligence, technology, biotechnology, bioweapons, and many other divisions he also is co head of every other division
O-2 a.k.a THE FIRST ROBOT: O2 is a robot that was made during the steampunk era by O1 his blueprint was made a decade earlier, he was a creation ahead of his time something that took the power of steam and came to life he had a blue flame in his chest called a soul fire which gives him life, he mostly helps out O1 do his daily chores and task, he enjoys drinking tea which he can't taste, and playing croquet he never speaks much during meeting or at all because it's “a waist of my limited energy” he is head of the robotics division
O-1 a.k.a THE IMMORTAL MAN: O1 origins are a mystery to everyone even O2 the most he has ever said about his past is “I made the laws of the lands, and my records are in every history book” it's theorized that he goes all they was back to when Rome was being created others think that he was a conquistador that discovered the foundation of youth, but everyone does know that his oldest public record is when the foundation of the world was founded in 1421 his goal was to keep the world in order and to surpass the Gods in greatness, he enjoys eating fruits, working, and sleeping after a long day, his ability is true immortality he will never die only age any damage that is done to him is healed in a certain amount time depending on the damage he also has a strong hatred for the Angles, Gods, and Benjamin

Hey there amigos! For starters, I will tell you some background. [KINDA LONG READ]
Do you know that activity during high school wherein each of the students will pass around a paper with name on it and the whole class will write what they thought about you? Guess what? I got the following:

• weird
• lutang
• may sariling Mundo
• Alien
• outcast
• warfreak

I'm that quiet kid who may seem mysterious but in reality, there is nothing really special about me. Tambay ako sa library back then, I read anything to let breaks pass. Perfect tambayan ko apart from the library ay ang restroom, locker area and the top-most floor ng school namin. I hate crowded and noisy places. I hate the classrooms specially if walang teacher to level the noise. In fact, their right, I always freak out whenever napupuno na ako sa ingay. Like, sumisigaw na lang ako out of nowhere to shut them up. Kung di sila mapatahimik, hampas ng table and suntok sa upuan ang sagot. Umaabot sa point na nangunguwelyo ako pero I'm glad na wala akong nabangasan sa mga kaklase ko. Because of this, they considered me as the S&A ng section. Pero that is a total clownery, because they are just laughing at me whenever I'll reach the peak of my emotions. My teachers on the other hand also noticed my duality in nature, Minsan active, madalas tulala. Some of the lines I received from my teachers are the following:
"Binigay ko na nga lahat ng sagot pero bagsak ka pa rin." "You exceeded my expectation, I'll show your work to other sections." "Sa simula ka lang magaling, I expected more from you." "Dati nakikipagsabayan ka ah, what happened?" "Buti kinorrect mo yung solution sa equation, congrats you got the 3rd place merit." "Eyes on the board, wala ka matututunan if diyan ka sa bintana titingin."
I'm just an average person and I recognize that, I am not a natural genius. I have to work hard for the merits. I got an average grade which gave me the eligibility to enter university during SHS. New environment, new me. This time I owned my life and started joining orgs and clubs. Laging pinagaagawan sa mga groupings but I always choose to be with those na walang pumipili. I wake up at 3am and sleep at 11pm. My days became hectic. My years as SHS went so fast, I ended with just honorable mention and some medals I accumulated as I compete.
Personal Development. Same activity, different results. Kung before, I got an overall comment stating na I'm an Alien. This time, I got the following:

• haggard pero cute
• laging pagod
• responsible and leader-like
• mapanglait pero Masaya kasama

Fast forward after some heartbreaks, shifting course, the Pandemic, and some job hopping (every 4 months). Hindi pa rin ako nakakagraduate. May licenses na mga kasabayan ko and here am I trying to navigate myself out of College.
I know myself and this is me:

• I love nature and the tranquility it gives. Pero you'll see my wild side when you bring me to the dance floor.
• I hyperfixate at times for an instance during the entrance examination back then, I studied 4months straight, day and night.
• I have my extreme highs when it comes to my emotions na kung saan nakakasira ako ng gamit, like yung pader sa classroom namin na sinipa ko pero ang instruction lang ay putukin ang lobo gamit kahit ano wag lang kamay. I also have my extreme lows na kung saan nakakasira ako ng relationships like cutting ties to the point na dinelete ko fb account ko and made a new one.
• I have this urge back then na in every argument, I must share my two cents. In every seminar, I have to raise my hand kahit nonsense ang tanong.
• I jump from one hobby to another. Right now, my thing is making peyote bracelets. The former ones are karate, dragon boating, drawing/ painting, song/poem writing, biking, etc. Heck, I have my room filled with different stuffs that "I might use in future"
• I can finish a book in one sitting back then, they even call me a walking encyclopedia back then kasi lagi akong may banat na "According sa nabasa ko..." kaso ngayon hirap na ako makatapos ng libro, sobrang effort na makapagsimula at makatapos ng isang chapter.

I tried to consult with a psych specialist. However, the specialist did not consider me as such. My DSM-5 results glared on three aspects. Disinhibition, impulsivity, and machiavellianism. But that is not the final diagnosis, just an initial one specially because it is free.
Just sharing this. I'm not really sure what am I looking for, maybe validation, dunno hehe.
Oh, and our baby bro show signs of ADHD as told by their teacher and my brother's girlfriend's relative who happens to be a psych grad.

I had to say goodbye to my beautiful German Shepherd who I have only had for 6 years a few weeks ago due to cancer. My friend wrote me this poem and I thought it was sweet so I wanted to share. :)
"In the gentle cradle of your arms I rest, Beneath the whispered wind, in soft sunset glow, We know a bond that time can't test, Because over the minutes, hours, days, and years, our love did flow.
Your eyes now are a well of tears unshed and deep, This pain is the weight of love, the weight of care, For me, I dream of sleep, And in my silent aches, you've always been there.
Now, my steps grow slow and my eyes grow dim, You hold my paw and whisper, "Don't be afraid. I love you so much. It's time." A gentle nod, a choice that isn't mine Is but a final act of love, true and sublime.
Don't grieve too long, I have know your heart, In every snoot booped, every ear rubbed, you've played your part. My tail wags slow, my trust in you complete, In these last beats, it is our love that makes me replete.
So when I drift beyond, carry our love, And feel me, in the stars above. Because it was your hardest choice that was kindness true, So I send from me, a gift of peace, returned to you".

Hi,
so me (19) & my boyfriend (19) have been dating for over 2.5 years now, we’re long distance (England & America) we have a time difference of 5 hours.
My boyfriend is the most unique person i’ve ever met, he thinks, acts & talks from such a different perspective from me. He used to give me the most love, support & care ever needed.
For a little backstory, we both didn’t ever want a LDR, but we thought fuck it as we fell in love & see if it would work out, and it did. The first two years we were inseparable, we never (and still have never) argued. We communicated about everything, we would both send loving messages, poems ect. When we first got together, i was incredibly insecure, worried and always needed reassurance. I constantly thought he didn’t want to be with me or would find someone else. He helped me work through everything and about a year later i had overcome everything.
We never ‘planned’ on meeting, we always spoke about it but never casually planned anything, as he lives in a house which is pretty toxic. Homophobic, thinks the words gonna end, hates all the ‘wokeness of the world’, planned for ‘dooms day’ ect. He was never really allowed to go out, so flying across the country wasn’t an option. Also he was still in high school when we met, then moved on to college (university to non americans). He between August & November 2023 moved across the country to live with his brother & mum, i have never seen him so happy in my entire life, don’t get me wrong it was hard as communication was at an all time low, as we called and just spoke in general less. However the times we did speak we both cherished. His plan was to finish college, get his drivers license and move with his brother, get a job and just be happier, i always knew this was the plan, and i was anxious about our future as i knew we would speak less, but happy as he was happy.
He moved back in to his home in December, this was when it all kinda went wrong. He was distant, always in a bad or low mood and NEVER wanted to do anything sexual. However, he still send me morning messages, the loving and cute stuff. I tried to talk to him about it, and he did open up to me a little bit, basically saying it was because he was home, but saw what his future can be, he wants to work hard to finish college, get his drivers license & move.
My boyfriend (as i stated earlier, is unique) what i mean by this is, he cannot focus on more than one thing at a time, he focuses on it so much that he forgets everything else momentarily & gives his all to whatever it is he is doing. This has caused some issues in the recent months as he has had his final exams
I’ve had a pretty hard year myself, My mum had a major surgery in which we thought we lost her & then she got diagnosed with 2 separate cancers.
This was really hard for everyone in my family, but my mum HATES sympathy and didn’t like it when people cried. So i stayed strong for her & my family so everyone could rely on me, this however led to me keeping all my emotions in.
This next part is related just keep reading.
In mid march, around 2 weeks after my mums surgery, i went and saw my Favourite artist live, this meant everything to me & my bf knew it. I went to london, saw her live, cried my entire eyes out with my best friends & i even got to speak to her! (for anyone wondering it’s Laufey)
Due to me and my boyfriend both having our final exams and just being busy we both had a lot less communication. But still had the loving messages and called atleast once a day, even if it was him calling while i slept.
This was an issue as i never got to speak to him about this experience, i of course messaged him when i was there & after the concert. But i wanted to call & talk
I broke down to him saying he never asked about it, even though he knew how much it meant to me. I also stated that he wasn’t there for me when i needed him with my mum. He stated that basically he never wanted to bring my mum up, because he wanted me too as that’s what he would want, i said i prefer if he asked cool whatever miss communication. We then had to end the call as his dad came home, still unable to talk about this experience, but now thinking he knew how much i wanted to tell him
However…things just got worse. As it hit April he started his final exams, he was incredibly stressed & he would hardly message me. I knew he was busy and didn’t want to pester him. I know how he gets and didn’t wanna pressure him.
But when he fully stopped sending me morning messages & all the “how’s your day going?” basically anything related to being interested in me is when i got upset. I brought it up to him end of April. I send a long message one morning just stating how unloved, uncared & how uninterested he was in me. I told him i knew and understood he was busy, but he made no effort with me at all. He still didn’t bring up anything with my mum & anything about my day.
Now side note: I have severe anxiety, diagnosed. I couldn’t go to high school for 4 years because i was so anxious and just in a void. He knows this.
After my message he left me on read for 2 days. 2 Whole days. I was overthinking and it disrupted my days more than i want to admit. He eventually messaged me apologising for everything, taking accountability and said it was never me, but always him and what going on his life, but stated “i can’t get back to what communication we used to have”. I asked him about this and he just said he “couldn’t” but there was no reasonings. We kept messaging back and forth, but basically saying i want to have a conversation about everything on call…
5 days go by, and im still saying to him want to call. He agrees that we will call after his dad goes to bed. I stayed up until 5 am. Messaging every few hours with no response, he called me and it was just black. I was beyond a mess. Ended up that he slept, and just called me.
I send another long messages the next day saying how AGAIN he knew how important this conversation was, PROMISED we would call, but yet still got into bed and slept. Anyways he again apologised. We spoke that night about everything.
I asked if he still loved me, he does, i asked why everything stopped, he said he just was focused on studying, i asked if he just wanted to be friends or to be with me, his words were “you’re my best friend, i want whatever makes you happy” anyways, I spoke about how i found out i have anxious attachment, and i wanted to work on it, but he needs to message me more anyways. He said he will try, but he had his final exam the next week. I obvious understood. I told him mine start the week after his are finished. We were happy we cried and slept together.
Next few weeks are fine, he finished his exams and we called like 5 separate more times more than we had last few weeks
But i message him on Wednesday (8th may) morning, saying i was really sad, i tried everything but the only thing i wanted was reassurance and care from him. Anyways i go my entire day without a message from him (due to time difference and him waking up late) he calls me at 5pm, saying he saw i was sad and called. Anyways he ended up just saying he was going out, but wanted to make sure i was okay but kept making jokes about me needing reassurance such as “Are you reassured yet? NO? fuck i failed!” and “reassurance spell!” which i did laugh at, but i never felt reassurance. I thanked him for calling, said hope he has a good time and be safe!
later on that day (11pm) i message him with a voice message of my stating my feelings. He missed the mark on making me feel better. I also stated how he doesn’t say ‘i love you’ without me saying it first, and hadn’t said it since sunday. While i was at i just said he used to send me loving messages and compliment me all the time but it has stopped and just told him it hurt. I used screen shots of what he used to send me and just explained what they meant to me. It was a 14 min voice messages and i was crying a few times. But i just said i wanted to talk about it and wonder why!
Anyways it’s now Saturday (11th may) and i haven’t heard from him since Wednesday when he went out. IVe been telling him when i get to and back from college. Any feelings & hoping he’s okay. (i knew he was busy on the thursday with his dad, and probably wouldn’t be able to message until super late). But i haven’t had a singular message, not even to say he’s home & needs time to think about what i said. Which i do know he is someone that has to think before he says.
He isn’t a malice person, he isn’t the type to use the silent treatment on anyone. But he’s now done it 3 times in the past 3 months, without telling me that he just needs time to think before he talks.
I’m just really worried something has happened to him. He doesn’t use social media or anything that lets me know he is online. So i literally don’t even know if he got home safe.
I’m just so worried and anxious. I try not to constantly check on the messages to see if he’s read them or not, but i do check the news articles for his local area, THANKFULLY nothing is on there. Which makes me think he just isn’t responding to me..
i haven’t mentioned it earlier in this post, but i love this man more than anything. he makes me so happy! The second he calls i smile from ear to ear, and can’t stop blushing. He does the same thing.
i just need advice..am i overthinking?
sorry for this being so long and a rant. Also i might have skipped over some bits, my head is all over the place at the moment

I’m taking a summer course which starts the 20th but the professor recommended I get a start on the reading and take notes. However this has posed some problems:

1. The book is long and boring. It’s “Robert Frost: A Life” by Jay Parini and is just so boring. There’s so many unnecessary details and he stops to go on long analyses of Frost’s poems. It’s just a slog. And it’s 422 pages!
2. The quizzes are on the book. The quizzes are timed and are only seven minutes long and have to do with three chapters of the book, so about 60 pages per quiz. But as I said there’s so many details it’s hard to know what’s actually going to be on the quizzes and the quizzes are so quick I don’t even know if I’ll have time to look at my notes.
3. Taking notes on the book is incredibly difficult. As I said before it’s super detailed and boring and hard to read, and when I have to take notes I read pretty slow, not that I’m a very fast reader as is.

Trying to balance this with also reading poems, watching lectures, doing writing assignments, it’s very difficult. Is there anything I can do or should do to make this easier and do well in the class?

I’m taking a summer course which starts the 20th but the professor recommended I get a start on the reading and take notes. However this has posed some problems:

1. The book is long and boring. It’s “Robert Frost: A Life” by Jay Parini and is just so boring. There’s so many unnecessary details and he stops to go on long analyses of Frost’s poems. It’s just a slog. And it’s 422 pages!
2. The quizzes are on the book. The quizzes are timed and are only seven minutes long and have to do with three chapters of the book, so about 60 pages per quiz. But as I said there’s so many details it’s hard to know what’s actually going to be on the quizzes and the quizzes are so quick I don’t even know if I’ll have time to look at my notes.
3. Taking notes on the book is incredibly difficult. As I said before it’s super detailed and boring and hard to read, and when I have to take notes I read pretty slow, not that I’m a very fast reader as is.

Trying to balance this with also reading poems, watching lectures, doing writing assignments, it’s very difficult. Is there anything I can do or should do to make this easier and do well in the class?

I’m taking a summer course which starts the 20th but the professor recommended I get a start on the reading and take notes. However this has posed some problems:

1. The book is long and boring. It’s “Robert Frost: A Life” by Jay Parini and is just so boring. There’s so many unnecessary details and he stops to go on long analyses of Frost’s poems. It’s just a slog. And it’s 422 pages!
2. The quizzes are on the book. The quizzes are timed and are only seven minutes long and have to do with three chapters of the book, so about 60 pages per quiz. But as I said there’s so many details it’s hard to know what’s actually going to be on the quizzes and the quizzes are so quick I don’t even know if I’ll have time to look at my notes.
3. Taking notes on the book is incredibly difficult. As I said before it’s super detailed and boring and hard to read, and when I have to take notes I read pretty slow, not that I’m a very fast reader as is.

Trying to balance this with also reading poems, watching lectures, doing writing assignments, it’s very difficult. Is there anything I can do or should do to make this easier and do well in the class?

I’m taking a summer course which starts the 20th but the professor recommended I get a start on the reading and take notes. However this has posed some problems:

1. The book is long and boring. It’s “Robert Frost: A Life” by Jay Parini and is just so boring. There’s so many unnecessary details and he stops to go on long analyses of Frost’s poems. It’s just a slog. And it’s 422 pages!
2. The quizzes are on the book. The quizzes are timed and are only seven minutes long and have to do with three chapters of the book, so about 60 pages per quiz. But as I said there’s so many details it’s hard to know what’s actually going to be on the quizzes and the quizzes are so quick I don’t even know if I’ll have time to look at my notes.
3. Taking notes on the book is incredibly difficult. As I said before it’s super detailed and boring and hard to read, and when I have to take notes I read pretty slow, not that I’m a very fast reader as is.

Trying to balance this with also reading poems, watching lectures, doing writing assignments, it’s very difficult. Is there anything I can do or should do to make this easier and do well in the class?

Hey all,
Forgive me if this has been answered ad nauseam.
I’ve recently dived deeper into Arthurian legend beyond the peripheral knowledge everyone has.
I’m aware of the poem Gawain and the Green Knight and the Grail Quest as well as the more fantastical background info - Uther Pendragon, Excalibur, the sword in the stone, Merlin, Morgan La Fey, Mordred etc. etc. the stuff that is just downloaded into youngins of the Anglo-sphere.
I recently read Geoffrey of Monmouth’s Historia Regum Brittaniae which encouraged me to take a further plunge into Arthurian legend.
Since then, I’ve read two poems from Penguin Classics translated by Brian Stone. One being an alliterative poem called Morte Arthure, which recounts the Round Table conquering Emperor Lucius’ Rome and then Mordred’s betrayal, and the other, Le Morte Arthur, which is stanzaic and tells of Lancelot’s and Guinevere’s adultery and once more the usurping of Mordred. Two very different accounts of the death of our beloved king of Britain.
I am, of course, aware of the eminent compilation Le Morte d’Arthur by Thomas Mallory. I do intend to read this, but I wanted to read the “standalone” tales first to familiarize myself with the characters. So far, the more fantastical elements like the Lady of the Lake are lacking. Looking forward to more of that.
I plan to read P. M. Matarasso’s translation of Queste del Saint Graal next, described as a spiritual fable (something that particularly interests me) and then Gawain and the Green Knight. From there I suppose I will tackle Mallory.
Perhaps my path is more convoluted than it should be.
The problem is that there is so so so much when you give just a brief glance into the Arthurian world. My goal is not the impossible, I don’t intend to be an authority on Author, but I do wish to be well-versed in the myths.
Is there anything I’m overlooking? Are some translations or poems worthless? Are some deemed to be supreme? Should I go to Mallory before undertaking my planned readings?
Sorry for the long post. I appreciate your time if you made it this far and once more I’m sorry if this is an all too common question. I’m just overwhelmed

Week 1: Introduction to Poetry and Sonnets
Day 1: Overview of Poetry Styles - Activity: Icebreaker - Introduce yourself through a poetic name acrostic. - Lecture: Brief history of poetry, introduction to various styles. - Discussion: What draws you to poetry? Share your favorite poems.
Day 2: Understanding Sonnets - Activity: Analyze a classic sonnet together. - Lecture: Explanation of sonnet structure (Shakespearean and Petrarchan). - Discussion: Share initial impressions and feelings about sonnets.
Day 3: Writing Exercise - Crafting a Sonnet - Activity: Break down sonnet structure with examples. - Assignment: Write a sonnet exploring a personal experience or emotion. - Vocabulary Words: Quatrain, Couplet, Volta.
Day 4: Peer Review and Feedback - Activity: Peer review workshop for sonnets. - Lecture: Discuss common challenges and strategies in sonnet writing. - Discussion: Share insights gained from reviewing peers' work.
Day 5: Recap and Reflection - Activity: Reflect on the week's lessons and exercises. - Lecture: Overview of upcoming weeks. - Assignment: Write a short reflection on what you've learned about poetry and sonnets.
Study Guide Questions for Week 1: 1. What is the basic structure of a sonnet? 2. Compare and contrast Shakespearean and Petrarchan sonnets. 3. How does the volta contribute to the meaning of a sonnet? 4. Discuss the role of rhyme and meter in sonnets. 5. Explore your personal connection to poetry. What emotions or themes resonate with you?
Quiz: A short quiz assessing understanding of sonnet structure, key terms, and the historical context of poetry.
Week 2: Embracing Haiku and Villanelle
Day 1: Understanding Haiku - Activity: Analyze classic haikus. - Lecture: Explain the traditional structure and themes of haikus. - Discussion: Share thoughts on the simplicity and depth of haikus.
Day 2: Crafting Haikus - Activity: Write haikus individually. - Lecture: Discuss the significance of nature in haikus. - Discussion: Share and discuss individual haikus.
Day 3: Unraveling the Villanelle - Activity: Analyze a famous villanelle. - Lecture: Explore the structure and repetition in villanelles. - Discussion: Discuss the impact of repeated lines on the overall theme.
Day 4: Writing Exercise - Composing a Villanelle - Activity: Break down the process of crafting a villanelle. - Assignment: Write a villanelle on the theme of memory or loss. - Vocabulary Words: Tercet, Refrain, Envoi.
Day 5: Peer Review and Feedback - Activity: Peer review workshop for villanelles. - Lecture: Discuss the challenges and beauty of crafting repetitive forms. - Discussion: Share insights gained from reviewing peers' villanelles.
Study Guide Questions for Week 2: 1. What defines a haiku? Discuss its structure and thematic elements. 2. Explore the cultural significance of nature in haikus. 3. What is the structure of a villanelle, and how does repetition contribute to its impact? 4. Discuss the emotions evoked by repeated lines in a villanelle. 5. Reflect on the process of crafting a villanelle. What challenges did you face?
Quiz: Assessment on the understanding of haikus, villanelles, and the effective use of repetition in poetry.

Don't be discouraged!

I recently saw some posts that appear to discourage translating the Zen text, and I think that is a mistake. There have been some fair points made, and some I think are unfair.
One of the first points I'd like to bring up is the fact that there is so many text which haven't been translated to English. The academics and scholars who are interested in these text haven't gotten to them, and there doesn't appear to be many interested to start with.
So do not be discouraged from examining text by studying the Chinese and bringing to light any insights you find there. In doing so I have found a richer cultural understanding connected with these texts that previous translated versions haven't included in their works.
With that said the question about qualification was brought up. I think it is an interesting question with some interesting considerations. In my view what I do is not all that different from a guy reading a book, and studying it in various ways using the tools at my disposal.

When I started working with text

Though my work with the Chinese text has been far more vast and extensive than anything I've done before, this isn't the first time I studied other languages to better understand a text. When I was a teen it was all physical work; sprawled out with various versions of the text, multiple physical concordances, pages of notations, quotes from various reference materials, and so on. All purely out of a personal interest in understanding the text and what was being talked about.

Modern translating

It used to be stacks of books, phone calls, and trips to libraries and book stores, to physically hunt down resources. Today, I can visit a couple of sites that host most of those resources in a matter of seconds and be deep into the text in minutes.
The resources available to you today, is lightyears beyond what was available to the guys in China over a thousand years ago, and certainly a significant improvement upon the resources available to the guys in the 60s through the 90s depending on the translator. Some of them had a high level of academic standard which could be achieved today online in a year or more. I do want to give them props, I know back then it was a massive undertaking.
You can see, for those who put notation or translator descriptions in their text, what their resources looked like. In some cases the resources we have with the internet dwarfs what they had access to.

How academics go about it

They go about it differently depending on their area of study. There are those who got degrees in religious studies, and the way they go about it differs from someone specifically studying the history of the Chinese language in the specific area and time one of these text existed.
Most will use all the resources available to them to produce a very high standard of precision and quality with their work. Though many of us may not have access to academic level resources, tools, and connections, we should encourage the highest level of standard we can produce if we choose to do the work. We may not achieve anything like modern academia can achieve, but if the text was translated long ago, or hasn't been translated at all, I see no problem in us trying to translate a text. If an academic, scholar or anyone more knowledgeable comes along and offers advice or becomes a resource, that would be awesome and we can improve upon where we started. One key working for us, is practice tends to improve the more you do it.

How I go about it

I do it as something I enjoy. I'm not trying to sell anything, not trying to present it as some high quality academic fixture. It's just something I enjoy doing and while I wait for some scholar to take up the challenge, I'm going to see what the untranslated text says, and may even check various English translations out of curiosity. Not only does it help me better understand how other qualified translators produced, but in doing so I have seen mistakes, mistranslations, misquoted names, and nuance that was clearly lost in the translation but is readily available information online today.
GPT AI it's a language model, that's what it does.
What that means is that the AI is suited to simulate an understanding of language based on its training. Using machine learning to simulate active talking and language comprehension. That fact makes it helpful for understanding what is being said in another language.
Current AI isn't remotely perfect at this. It makes errors, hallucinates, breaks, and has a poor level of consistency with its tone, style, and voice, as well as memory problems forgetting prompts. It gets confused a lot and is like working with someone who kind of knows Chinese, but has issues. Until I meet someone who is better at rendering the Chinese, I'll be using the AI to get a starting point in translating. There is a lot of nuance with how to work with it, but I'll give a few insights I have.
Create a small set of prompts and put it somewhere you can easily copy and paste. Keeping the prompt identical helps keep it going, whereas changing the wording around tends to confuse it more often.
A simple example of a prompt is: "We are translating a classical Chinese text into English renders. Make no additions to the text and keep the index tags in place."
Another helpful key is to limit how much you get it to translate in one instance. After you've translated a few thousand characters, open a new instance and start the prompt over.
One last note on AI assisted translating, after it has rendered a few lines of text, go back and post block by block prompting the AI: "Give me a break down of the characters including any character combinations you find." In doing this I have found quite a few cultural elements, names, or historical references that appear to have been unknown to a few English translators.

Beyond AI

Before I translate a text I try to research its history. Sometimes there is a wealth of knowledge on it, other times there isn't a lot out there. For example, finding the source for Cleary's translation of Foyen's poem "Sitting Meditation" took a lot of exploring before I tracked it down. I like to get an overview of what all is said about the text, and the internet sometimes offers rich insights into it.
After I look for English sources talking about the text, I do the same research using Chinese sources on the text. I use Chinese search engines to find Chinese resources about the various text, meanings of characters going back to the oracle bone script when possible, and the like. Depending on what I am doing, sometimes it involves copying simplified Chinese on the matter, and dropping that into the AI. It seems to handle simplified Chinese a lot better than it does old Chinese.
One last note on how I go about it, is that I also use Chinese search engines to find resources like encyclopedias, dictionaries, and Chinese to English translators. The site might be in Chinese and a little tricky to navigate, and the translators haven't been super useful, but it puts the idea out there for others to use in new ways.

Open source translation work. Transparency

I think it is highly possible for us to be a part of a new phenomena of our modern technology. For the average person 50 years ago or more, exposure to any of this took physically going to these resources. In our modern times, following the information age, we have entered the information overload age. Where there is so much information available to the individual that a child could spend every day doing research, and not nearly study it all before they die of old age.
Working together as a community is a way of socially digesting all this information by taking bite size tasks, collaborating with others, and improving the work by updating it as more information becomes available to us. An open source type project which opens up the text to a deeper understanding of its Chinese roots. Bringing all these resources together for community exposure, where this information may have only been available to academics a decade or more ago.
One final point is stay transparent. I'm no expert, but I explained a little about how I have gone about it. The result is presented as such. If anyone more knowledgeable about this wants to come along and take it up, give out advice, or point us in helpful directions as a community, add to it!
I welcome any feedback others would like to give on translating, as well as questions.
As always, much love.

A Luc Bat is a traditional Vietnamese verse form that consists of alternating lines of six and eight syllables. The structure typically follows a pattern where each six-syllable line (short line) is followed by an eight-syllable line (long line). The final short line of the poem rhymes with the preceding long line, creating a rhyme scheme that continues throughout the poem.
The term "Luc Bat" translates to "six-eight" in English, reflecting the alternating line lengths. This form is often used for narrative poetry and has been employed in various Vietnamese literary works.
😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅
In the pot, a symphony of flavors brews (6) Simmering broth, a dance that slowly stews (8) Carrots and onions, a colorful blend (6) Aromas rise, a savory trend (8)
Chunks of beef, tender and succulent (6) Herbs and spices, a fragrant testament (8) Potatoes absorb the savory delight (6) Stew's embrace, a comforting night (8)
With ladle in hand, we savor each spoon (6) A hearty concoction, a culinary tune (8) In the warmth of stew, memories accrue (6) A bowl of comfort, a homely view (8)

I 19M is dating 17F. Before I proposed to her, she was fuckin obsessed with me, i was too but her schedule runs a bit too busy compared to mine. She could not get enough time to talk during the day and I totally understand it. she has her school (she was a late admission), then her coaching classes and football academy as well. i just told her beforehand that I love her and even if she talks to me at night it is enough for me, i told her that she should use her time for her betterment and I should not be a hindrance for her passion. In the talking stage, she talked a lot even in her 5 mins half time of football matches she used to talk to me. But now her replies have gotten shorter and drier. They are dry as sahara dessert. I write her long letters, good morning messages, poems, notes and what not, I share reels and everything and all she fuckin replies is "aww" "thank you" "ly too" "Ik" "OK" "alright" and I am fucking done with her but on the other hand I love her so so much that I cannot even say anything. I am being a coward, I totally understand if she is busy but at the same time she is chatting in the gcs, she is putting up stories, she is putting up notes, she is posting song lyrics on the gc and what not but I am left on delivered for 16 Hours or even more. i try to do everything for her. Wrote her poems, made her playlists, expressed myself openly for the first time and all she does is say Thank you.
How to get out of this toxicity I dont know I am so cooked. I love her so much, or maybe I have no other options thats why. I have always been treated like shit and i have never had any relationships. this was the first time someone made me genuinely feel loved and worthy but I guess not for long.

So I was studying for my Armenian language and literature exam when I came across a poem that I really felt described my relationship with Kai. I thought it was really cute and I stimmed with joy upon reading it. So here is the translated piece:
*There's a magic chain in the sky
Invisible as the pain of the deep soul.
He descends as a reminder, like the evening,
Ringing the light stars one by one.
In the beautiful dream of a soft night,
Those stars, sacred as candles,
They flash nostalgic, dreamy,
Forever bound and separated.
You and I are also chained to each other.
We always dream of each other longingly,
Always together, but always apart and far away,
Like the stars, both familiar and foreign...*
Anyway I would love to read y'all's poems cause I'm a huge literature nerd

20F, I have had gastroparesis for about 9 months. At first I could eat food in pieces, after a couple of months I began to eat only liquid food, soups and cereals in a blender, ice cream, in general, all soft food. Later, I began to develop allergies on my face, always in one place, and I gradually began to remove various foods from my diet. Now my diet is rice porridge with water, rice milk, potatoes, zucchini and cauliflower, only turkey as meat. and guess what? I'm tired. the last 2 weeks things have gotten even worse. I feel like there is a huge plug in my stomach that doesn’t even allow water to pass through. I'm very scared. I tried treatment with different drugs, followed a diet, exercise, and worked with a psychiatrist. I even managed to gain a little weight, because in 9 months I lost weight from 115 kg to 50. But now everything is just terrible. If I have breakfast with literally two spoons of rice porridge, then by the evening I simply throwing up of the same undigested porridge. my doctor insists on surgery, but no matter how much I read reviews and listen to people who did the g poem, they say that almost nothing has changed and sometimes they feel even worse. I'm confused and i don’t know what to do… I already tried to have surgery, but I had to refuse. I have post-trauma associated with anaphylaxis to penicillin, my doctor knows about this, and he decided to use this antibiotic anyway, telling me: the intensive care team is next to you, if anything happens they can help. so I had to look for another doctor. Tell me, are there people here for whom the surgery was successful? is it worth doing surgery? Any nutrition tips are welcome!! sorry for the long text, I wanted my situation to be clearer

Help me!!!
Hey. I'm a B.Com. (Accounting and Finance) graduate. I took the course without any proper plan. I wanted to study abroad, but it wasn't possible, and now I don't know what to do for my masters. Actually, I'm not interested in anything, and that worries me. I don't want to do something that stresses me or something I don't like to do. But unfortunately, I'm very struck. I have a little bit of interest in fashion designing, but I'm very scared to tell my parents about it. Since I have been changing my career ideas for so long, I don't think my parents will be fine if I say something now. People are recommending that I try for the NET. I'm ok with it because I have no idea of my own, but I'm not doing it because I want to. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I have very limited knowledge about things related to career. Even if I searched for stuffs, I just don't know what I want. I'm very confused. I'm also good at content, blog, creative, and poem writing. I also love to draw. But I don't know how to utilize all of this through a career. I want to do something fun, chill, or something that gives me a stable income. KINDLY GIVE ME SOME ADVICE.

Hey everyone, this may be a bit long
For background, I'm late DX ADHD and was confirmed by therapist and psychiatrist that I'm autistic as well. I had a VERY abusive and violent childhood that I truly don't know how I survived. And it started since I was a baby tbh.
When I was in junior high, that's when a lot of stuff became very difficult. I didn't understand social rules and would cry all the time because I felt so lost and different from others and during this period my stepdads abuse got worse. Hes a cop and used a lot of methods on me including psychological torture. And the kids i went to school with all hated me in 8th grade, which was a year after my brother died. I was always told I was strange and creepy. I'm also half black and experienced a lot of racism.
In 8th grade I wrote a poem about how I felt like I was a puppet that people controlle and tossed me when I was no longer useful. This is a feeling I've carried with me for 28 years. Feeling disposable.
As an adult, this manifested in me having multiple abusive friendships and romantic relationships. I was diagnosed borderline, bipolar, panic disorder, agoraphobia...a long list. And I felt like i have no central self...like I am fragmented. When the lockdown happened, I felt like I started to really connect with myself. I developed in a lot of different ways and felt like I could breathe and exist. But then I had a very mentally abusive friendship where this person always said I was selfish and a terrible person...all kinds of shit. I had a falling out with a group who I realized didn't actually care for me but they found me useful. I went through multiple SA (I lived in LA at the time and was apart of a lot of diy scenes) and just things got too overwhelming and my mom was in an abusive relationship and I was worried about her so I went back to PA. Moving back in with her was a lot, because my mom and I have our own issues and I felt uncomfortable and unsafe because her fiance. I felt like a kid again an then even when I'd be around friends I felt uncomfortable and unsafe and my anxiety and paranoia would get really bad.
I always spent days after being social obsessively worrying about how people felt about and perceived me. I went through couch surfing and a lot of shit again then ended up in a very draining relationship for a year that resulted in him permanently damaging my leg. When that happened, I felt like nobody really supported me the way I needed and I also felt ashamed of myself. When we broke up, I was living alone and spiraled. I was working full time and the job was draining as well in a call center so I ended up walking out. In order to make rent, I slept with someone for money and my landlord started harassing me. A few months after that breakup, I ended up getting into another relationship that was the worst ever. He slut shamed me a lot because I have OF, would tear into my appearence and I started to feel like a shell of a person. He would get angry at me and throw my belongings down the stair,s punch holes in the walls, get in my face and scream at me...he would cause me to have awful meltdowns. There was a time when i was at my friends house for 3 days and he made his friend come pick me up and forced me to leave wiht him because he said I was cheating on him. He also went through my phone, tried to convince me my friends talked badly about me and that people didn't care about me, would comment on my weight and just like...wow writing this out is making me realize how bad it really was. I would spend days in bed because I just felt so drained. We broke up halloween bc I had a gig and he was mad at me and didn't go and then my best friend was in town and had a gig so I went with her and hung out all night and didn't get back til late the next day and HE BLEW UP ON ME SO BAD! He literally threatened to call the cops and tried to drag me out of bed. I facetimed my mom cuz he was screaming and she told me that his eyes looked scary and that he was going to put his hands on me. She got me an uber and I left and blocked him.
After all that, my landlod tried to finesse me out of money because I got a large portion of back unemployment and paid the rest of the year but he said I still owed and was doing illegal shit like he refused to get my toilet and shower fixed so I had to shower in a plastic bin cuz it was filled wit sewage. My friend flew me back to LA in december because I was about to end my life.
Now I feel like nobody. I don't know who I am. the days blend together. I live in a place with 17 people and there's days I am terrified of having to interact with anyone. And I was so excited to move in because its an art and diy space where we do events and i just feel so empty and crazy because I get overstimulated. I don't know what I like anymore. I had a period of doing graphic design and stuff but there's a person there who is triggering to me and I also feel like im in 8th grade again. I people please and I don't do anything that I like. I have a partner who is very sweet and patient and I'm not used to it.
I feel so rigid and like I'm not here. I don't feel real a lot of the times. I also had covid the last month of my abusive relationship
But I feel like a living dead person. I have no interests anymore and am so badly dissociated. And then i feel like im hyperfixated on whats happening in the world and it is making my ocd bad...like I worry about being a bad person and my actions killing and harming others. I am so exhausted and feel like I'm going to break down. I don't know what this is, but i'm scared. like I literally just feel like a pre teen who is scared and confused and doesn't know what to do. I dj, but like lately when I do it makes me want to d*3 the next day...and I am dependent on alcohol and then that makes me scared of what I say unfiltered i just don't know what to do. I worry about doing everything wrong. and I started to get paranoia badly earlier today even though my roommates all are nice and supportive towards me. Thank you for listening