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made this for my narrative essay in american literature, but one of my friends said i should share the story
“But I Still Need You” Throughout my life, I had always fallen easy for girls. The elementary mindset of, “she’s cute, so I have a crush on her,” prevented me from developing a legitimate relationship with any girl I tried to talk to. The few times that my feelings were reciprocated, I had no idea because I was already on to the next girl, and this continued until I was left with a multitude of friend-zone situations and a list of “crushes.” My charisma already lacking, it seemed each year that passed, previous to 3rd grade, I grew in weight and therefore awkwardness. The struggle to interact with women lessened as I grew up, while the fat remained. So, by the 8th grade I was the ideal guy friend; easy to talk to, kinda funny, understanding, and unintimidating. My approachable “funny fat friend” nature had its ups and downs. While guys, for reasons I still don’t fully understand, suspected me to be gay, girls found it intriguing and it made them want to be friends with me more. Back then I didn’t know, but now I know that by being forced to be friends first, after finding out I was in fact not gay, the right woman for me would want to be with me for my personality. In the winter of 2021, I fell hard for a girl named Madeline. Maddie was no different than many of the other girls in that she had a bland personality and I thought she was cute. She had brunette hair with bangs, big glasses, way too much makeup on, and a unique fashion sense. Her sense of fashion was one of the few interesting things about her, yet it was disregarded by the public. Not too many guys found her appealing, but I did, for whatever reason. I was dead set on getting to know her better in hope of becoming more than friends. Unfortunately, she hardly paid attention to me, but I didn’t give up. I merely slowed down because of my interest in her friend, Isabella. Isabella is the Spanish and Italian variation of Elizabeth (derived from the Hebrew name Elisheba). The meaning of Elishiba can be translated to, “God is my oath.” In Arabic, the beginning of Isabella, “Isa,” is the classical Arabic name for Jesus, while in the French language, the shortened version of Isabella, “Belle,” translates to “beautiful.” I had met Isabella in the sixth grade, and grew a tiny crush on her, in the elementary sense, before we all went into hibernation (COVID). I barely knew her though, and she had no idea who I was, so when we interacted in my last two classes, if we did at all, it was like two strangers who kept running into each other. I sat by her in my sixth period, and one seat up and to the right from her in seventh. We only ever made small talk and the occasional joke, but when I spoke with her I felt content. Still barely knowing her, all I could admire was the little things in the way she laughed and spoke. I longed to know more about Isabella, she was mature, intelligent, and very opinionated, but still light-hearted and made time pass at the speed of light. It wasn’t until she was in my group in sixth period one day that she began to open up a little by sharing the details of her current long-distance relationship. The shards of my heart stabbed and crushed my stomach; hope, the oxygen to my mind, depleted faster than the air of a broken space shuttle; palpitation, nausea, asphyxia, and neurosis bombarded me like Persian arrows on the Greeks. Then, all at once, the excruciating tidal wave evaporated, but instead of calm waters, I was left with a drought. Every emotion muted or gone, my body went numb while everything I cared for vanished from my mind. I didn’t speak throughout the rest of that day, and went directly from the bus to decaying in my bed. I was devastated, so I retreated to my pointless crush on Maddie. Unrelated to the rather sad lovelife, my anxiety and depression worsened throughout 8th grade, and while I was going to therapy, most of my issues wouldn’t and still haven’t been worked through. Throughout the school year I had developed a toxic system of self pity, in which I would spend hours a day cycling through the feelings of hope, anger, and despair- never that of joy. I knew what I was doing, gathering enough hope to face the school day just before I reflected on the doubts and grievances going on throughout my life. I’d bring myself up just for a greater fall because honestly, overtime I became numb to the natural pain. If I were going to fall into the pit that is depression, the higher I peaked in terms of optimism the more excruciating the freefall of nausea and the heavy flow of salt water. At that point in my life, I saw no point in getting out of bed to do anything, school or even my own mother’s birthday. By the end of eighth grade I had spent almost a total of six weeks absent, two of which were from me being quarantined. Typically over the span of one or two days, others up to four, I would be in my bed “sick.” During these mini-vacations I would sleep all morning, if my mom let me, and stay up all night, oftentimes listening to Radiohead or Cigarettes After Sex while staring at my ceiling. I wanted to stay up, I wanted to feel the bags grabbing and pulling towards my cheekbone, I wanted to feel empty, emotionally and physically. During the day, my anxiety attacks became panic attacks and I would get sent home for vomiting. I'd throw up to give Mom a reason to let me stay home. I’d throw up to feel something, anything. I’d throw up to keep my stomach empty. I’d throw up because I had to, because the nerves and overthinking forced me to. Every morning, I’d drag my black air force ones across cement, carpet, tiles, and marble, each step leading towards Mrs. Clements’ homeroom. For every step, a different worry or insecurity flashed through my brain. But then, out of the blue, I’m “Lincoln” again. I walk into homeroom with an ear-to-ear grin and dap up “the boys”. I’d spend the morning building up hopes of making Isabella laugh today, or maybe calling her once I got home, but I knew that nine times out of ten my hopes were delusional. To “Lincoln,” this was no problem, he would make a gay joke, join the boys with teasing a cute girl in my class, and laugh until just for a moment, the despair was gone. Finally, the sixth period would come and I’d get to see Isabella. In here I got the least work done out of all my classes as I would find myself strategically planning my next interaction with her, just for said plans to go out the window when I was brought face to face with her. Typically seventh period followed the same pattern except Ms. Shirley Davis could never allow small talk in her classroom. When the last bell rang, I went straight to the buses. I’d sleep on the way home, dreaming of a call that would hardly happen. On the off chance my phone didn’t reach its feared 11th cry, we’d talk for hours at a time. On a weekday or not, it seemed that, when we did call, it was guaranteed to go into the early morning. It’s hard to put my finger on a specific topic, or even general. In our conversations, we discussed anything and everything. Everything, except her own love interest. I admired this, as my inability to keep who I’m thinking about at the time a secret is a major flaw of mine. The more that me and her spoke, the more I grew to love her. Our talks were so honest, so raw, that the secret I held began to eat away at me. My core collapsing like a dying star, each day it felt like the pain got worse. To cope with the feelings I had buried deep inside me, I’d turn to my friends. At first, they said to come forward with my feelings, but I knew that’s what any friend would’ve said. The relief I got from venting the conflicting hurricane within me was brief. Overtime, their words of encouragement turned to annoyance, and understandably so. When people grew sick of the same old sadistic untold love, I turned to Isabella. I wrote a text so full that, to read it, one needed to tap on an arrow at the bottom right corner of my message. The essay was compiled with the confliction I had, developing feelings for a friend, and the sorrow that filled me each day that passed without her. I described the perfect imperfections that I admired about her, how life was complete when I spoke to her, the beauty that paralyzed me every time I saw her in person, and the character that I felt God had curated specifically for me. Sitting there unsure if I should press send, a fear grew within my chest that Isabella would see right through me. I could hear the music that so often triggered tears; the vocals of Thom Yorke or the beats of Kanye West, they faded in and out. What if she didn’t even respond? What if she thought I was a creep? What if- then she responded. Suddenly, the ominous 808s & Heartbreak pounding vanished, my respiratory chaos became paralyzed, and time stood still. I couldn’t breathe until I finished reading, and once I did, my sigh was all but relieving. Isabella explained to me how unhealthy my habits were; even in comparison to the anguish that would follow, I’d suffer far more and far longer should I suppress my emotions. She told me how that level of affection, in the context of the warped concept of romance most men had, was something she had only dreamt of. Isabella said that holding these feelings would eat away at me, exponentially increasing in severity, until I broke. Not only would I be hurting myself, but I would be depriving the person I care about most from the appreciation they deserve. I became bloated with fear of the friendzone, those insecurities, all based upon inference, became a reality with Isabella’s last piece of advice. She said, “If she doesn’t reciprocate those emotions, then don’t worry. I’m sure there’s a girl out there who can appreciate your compassion.” The blame had no other place to go than my shoulders, after all, I got what I asked for, advice on another girl. Isabella, even if she saw the crush I had on her, is far too kind to address it. She cared for everyone, and to her, she was merely boosting up a friend who’s down. For the rest of the night her text echoed through my mind; pain, regret, and admiration caused my mind to sporadically leap from conclusion to conclusion. Two years later, those words still haunt me, reiterations of that phrase torturing me when I least expect them. The school year progressed, but my aspirations with Isabella didn’t. Over time, the frequency of my writings grew to be weekly, at times reaching two a week, and the weight of my confessions depleted. I opened my audience to a mutual friend of Isabella’s, Miley, with the intention of acquiring useful advice. Eventually, my choice to try concealing what I felt for Isabella became too heavy of a burden, weighing down on me in forces I had not endured before. Soon, the love I had for Isabella turned to hatred for myself. I was relentlessly criticizing every aspect of myself and my mind. I hated how fat I was, my smile, my voice, my laugh, and most of all my personality. What I had thought was my greatest strength, was revealed as my worst trait. The gullibility I exhibited when thinking for a second Isabella could possibly like me; the lack of confidence that caused me to chicken out of confessing my feelings to her; my insufferable need to make people laugh; the hyperfixation I would develop for those that I love. Everything about me was wrong. I stopped eating, stopped sleeping, stopped caring, and eventually I stopped living. The “Lincoln” my friends had grown to recognize, the only remnant of the joy I felt when I was younger, died, and I was left with only my love for Isabella and resentment for myself. I began testing the limits of what was left of me, praying for relief. At first in the middle of the night, an anaconda would find its way to my throat, wrapping around my neck. Its cold black scales gracefully gliding across my skin before silencing my cries with the swift tug of its metallic USB head. The snake would maintain pressure until I let go of it, the entire time whispering into my ear, begging me to hold on. Some nights it came with what must have been a full stomach for it was drastically wider, it was brown these nights, with leather skin, and a slight warmth, but it behaved the same. Most visits from the snake ended with my vision blurry, my breath short, or my head dizzy. The only consistency of our transactions was Asia’s Death Lake that streamed down my face from start to finish. Eventually, the snake seemed closer and closer to silencing me forever, but I also became used to its visits. I began writing letters to everyone I loved so that, should the snake come out victorious, they’d have a final goodbye. Once I had sorted out my notes, I called the snake to my room. This time it came striped with shades of blue, its skin a soft fabric. For once, I controlled the snake, because our intentions finally aligned. I locked the door, sent out my texts, placed the written notes on my dresser, and joined the snake at my closet door. Holding onto the doorknob, the snake wrapped itself around my neck just as it had done in nights of the past. It whispered to me, “let go,” for I had been on my knees in hesitation. I followed the snake’s order by making a sort of plank with my body, the bottom half resting on a stack of dirty laundry and pillows while the top was supported by my elbows. Pressure swiftly fell down on my neck and didn’t stop. “This is it,” I thought to myself. My eyes seemed to pop out of my skull, and my tears, falling down like summer rain, became blurry dots as my vision went dark. Next thing I know, I’m waking up, snot, saliva, and tears strung between my face and the carpet floor. My head pounding and my eyes burning, I looked up at the “snake” that was the tie my mom had gotten me for Sunday service. Although my mind was more clear, it was not out of revelation, but from a muted sense of the world around me. Other than Isabella, nothing mattered anymore, and the little emotion I felt was squashed by my immortal love. The following day I get called to the counselors office on charges of suicidal thoughts and self harm. I said what I had to in order to escape her grasp, but left infuriated. Not only had my own friends betrayed me, but the lady who was supposed to guide me essentially scolded me for being sad. Throughout the day my anger faded out and my focus became making an excuse as to why my parents got a weird call from my counselor, then I’d find the traitor who sold me out. That afternoon, I lost two friends, and for the first time ever got mad at Isabella. Apparently, Miley, Maddie, and Isabella all reported me to the counselor that morning. They said I had been traumatizing them with what was going on in my life, being normal and messing around at school, then detailing my thoughts and actions to them outside of school. I felt like I had been tricked. I thought they were my friends. I thought they understood me. They asked me if I was okay, they said they wanted, cared, needed to know, but now I had scared them? I addressed what had happened with Miley first. She immediately lashed out at me, saying I should be thanking them, not be mad. While I didn’t want to accept it, I understood the core of her choices. On the other hand, Maddie’s response to my confrontation was disgustingly cruel. She said I had been unfair and just seeking attention, that no thirteen to fourteen year old should hear about what I was going through because it was unnatural. Before she continued, I apologized, that’s all I could think to do, because deep down I believed her. She told me it wasn’t all my fault because my brain was messed up, and that opening up to the girls would only make them not want to be friends with me. The one word that rang through my head then, and still does today, was “creep,” she claimed that what I felt wasn’t love, but I was just mentally unstable and creepy. Any remnants of the sweet kid from elementary school who just wanted a friend and loved everyone were obliterated. Maddie was right, all I had done was hurt and scare them, it didn’t matter what I thought. I told her all I could, that I didn’t know what to say other than I was sorry for the damage I had done, and I would try and get better. Her response, like a branding iron on my mind, was, “It’s not damage, it’s baggage. Imagine if the roles were reversed.” It was only then that I stopped texting back. I wish I could say it was out of frustration or self respect, but the reality of my manipulative traits is what silenced me. Shockingly, the response that hurt the most was from Isabella, yet it somehow meant the most to me too. Isabella told me that she needed me in the world. She told me that if I ever got those thoughts again, to think about her as well; to think about the pain I’d be causing her; to think about the trauma she’d live with for the rest of her life. After repeating the phrase, “I need you in my life,” she acknowledged how selfish it was, but still didn’t care. Isabella continued elaborating, she didn’t care because no label of selfishness outweighed the value of my life. What she said that night has been vivid in my mind since, but my only wish is that she had needed me as I needed her. Tears began to hide my freckled cheeks as I texted her about how much her words meant to me, how much she meant to me, and I apologized to her. I said sorry for the baggage I caused, the “creepy” behavior, and any other ways I had wronged her. I said sorry for loving her, and told her I’d do better. She disregarded my apologies, telling me that I could always talk to her because no matter the baggage she could carry, it’d be worth taking the smallest bit off of me. Her words meant so much to me, yet hurt me just the same. I hated myself for it. I couldn’t see a life without an affection for her, it was pathetic. If I truly loved her, I’d let my feelings go, right? What kind of person did that make me? Summer came and went. Hoping that time would kill the crush I had on Isabella, I prohibited myself from contacting her. Instead I spent time with my family and a few friends, but Isabella never left my head. Even when accompanying my dad to Berry College for the Governor’s Honors Program, she’s what filled my head. At first I felt frustrated because before I had come forward to her, she had known about the feelings I had. I came to the conclusion that she had been dragging me along, but even then I knew how easily that thought would be abandoned. First day of High school, I got in touch with her. For maybe two weeks, I maintained a platonic relationship before free falling into the ominous pit once again. This time felt different though, it felt like what I had thought about everyday, for what seemed eternity, could be more than a daydream. We texted each other throughout the school day and facetimed after her cheer practice and my band practice. Eventually, Isabella was falling asleep on call. Before, we’d talk long into the night, and it began to drain the energy out of the both of us. Now, we were listening to music, playing Roblox, watching Netflix, or just sitting in silence. I had never felt comfortable with silence, but she made it seem better than having a conversation with anyone else. It’s a beautiful thing when words aren’t required to appreciate someone. The moment I had the courage to do so, I asked her out to Steak n’ Shake. It’s just my luck that the restaurant was hardly a shell of what I remembered as a kid. At first the conversation was awkward because we hardly spoke in person, but as time progressed so did we. I still remember the tightness of my cheeks as I failed to suppress my ear-to-ear grin. The euphoric nausea and beating heart that disappeared throughout our conversation. I remember the booth we sat in, the fact that she wanted me to swap seats with her because of her creaky seat, the way she giggled, how I fought tooth and nail to pay for such a small bill, the way she smiled when she said, “next time you’ve gotta let me pay,” and the shared excitement for our next hangout. Even though Isabella and I were still friends, even though the restaurant was a disaster, even though the fries were stale and the milkshakes chunky, that moment is one of the best in my life. With how well things were going, I thought that it was my best chance at making something more out of this friendship. So, I shot my shot. I told her that despite my efforts the summer before, she still held a special place in my heart. Isabella responded with her own struggles with recovering from a past relationship, detailing the trust issues and pain she still felt almost a year later. I was yet again, devastated. Then she added that despite her own feelings, she had to be careful and the risk of losing our friendship scared her. I understood her reasoning, but it made me sick to think of how close I was. In response, I expressed how I could relate to those feelings, and the conflict I had with them. It felt ridiculous having opened myself up once again, to just be friendzoned. Her response struck me with both hope and devastation, “I f*cking love you a ton Lincoln, but I’m struggling to differentiate my admiration as a friend and as something more. I’m terrified of losing you.” Previously I would have seen this as a sign to keep trying, but at that moment, I couldn’t see past the blatant friendzoning. After pursuing her for so long, it felt cruel of her to continue dragging me along like this, even though she was being honest. My reaction to the straw that broke the camel’s back is one of, if not, the biggest regrets in life. Homecoming was a little over a week away and she was going (as friends) with my buddy, Davis, so in a storm of hatred for myself and the situation I was in, I gave up on her. Our conversations grew to be minimal and far apart. Soon, I started to resent her. Each day since then, I have somehow felt more remorse than the last for not asking her to Homecoming. Homecoming night is when I began flirting with Claire, a sweet redhead from gym class. We connected on not going with the person we had hoped for. All it took was me joking that I should’ve spent more time around her, instead of leaving the dance early, for Claire to lose her mind. Over the next month or so, I was becoming closer and closer with Claire, despite her irritable “quirks”. I only spoke to Isabella if she reached out to me first with the only exception being when I would ask her for “advice” about Claire, which was a shameful habit I started as petty revenge on Isabella. Eventually, Isabella blocked me on Snapchat, but it didn’t matter. Things with me and Claire were going great, she made me feel like I didn’t need to starve myself to be good enough for her. She made me feel like I was enough. For the next two and a half months, life was great. After the first couple months of ignorant bliss, I was sick of her. Sure, there were a variety of reasons to find her annoying, most people I knew could list more than they have fingers and toes, but she didn’t do anything wrong. I shouldn’t have gotten into the relationship in the first place not only because of Isabella, but also the speed at which me and Claire started dating. She was still growing out of the elementary relationship phase, so while it was nice to connect with someone so quickly, it was rushed. Another issue being that I was her first real boyfriend, the baggage that followed me was detrimental to her and I couldn’t give her the attention she needed. As me and Claire began our month long drift apart, I was unblocked by Isabella. She and I caught up, and we quickly began to talk trash about Claire while on call. It was unbelievably toxic, and I’m embarrassed of how I handled things to this day. Eventually, with the support of Isabella, I decided it was time to break up. The only issue was the guilt I had in such a terrible choice, I could never do it. So I began to get more distant by the day, ignored texts and calls, and stopped walking her to classes because “I had to pee.” Eventually she caught wind of my plans and called me after school one day. Sobbing, she told me what she had heard and how she knew it wasn’t true, but it still worried her. I began to get ready to break the news, but she was already crying so what's the worst that could happen? I wish I had never asked myself that, because next she told me she’d been cutting herself. My heart sank in remorse for what I knew I would do. If I led her on longer, the aftermath of my cold actions would lead to even more catastrophe. I was scared, but knew the lesser of the two evils I had to pick from. I calmed her down, quickly notified her friends to be keeping an eye on her, and then dumped her. To this day, I am disgusted by my actions. Throughout the past three months, Claire expressed how she had loved and trusted me, yet I threw that all away. There are so many ways I could’ve handled the situation differently, but two stood out the most. Showing respect by speaking to Claire the moment I realized my feelings had fleeted was the bare minimum that I disregarded, but the second was far simpler. I had known from the start that I was still in love with Isabella and that love never faded, but was only suppressed. The entire relationship we developed, while we both enjoyed parts of it (her more than me), was a lie, and essentially a cruel joke played on Claire. There’s no excuse for my actions, and even worse, I could’ve cared less back then. It was only when time had passed that I began to understand the damage I had done. Without Claire holding me back, my newfound freedom led to a closer friendship with Isabella. I dove headfirst into the familiar pit all over again. A friendship was not enough, I appreciated every interaction I had with Isabella, but my life depended on a future with her. It’s likely she felt this as she slowly began to drift away from me. Before I had stayed up speaking to Isabella, but now I couldn’t sleep out of the tormenting absence of her voice. The only path to good health was time; distance was best for the both of us, and I knew it. For the rest of that school year, everything around me was going, but I stood still. It was like my life was just a sitcom, and I was no longer the main character. The summer that followed was just the same, I was living but dead, moving but still, speaking but silent. I was dissociating from my friends and family, but the absence of that violent snake made my depression insignificant. Living a life without her was more punishment than death itself, and I didn’t deserve relief. Even now, I think of that summer and remember almost nothing, for my life isn’t worth remembering without Isabella in it. Sophomore year began, and so did my conversations with Isabella. This go around, I was subtle with my feelings for her. The excitement I had for speaking with her was under control, but it was because the spark inside me had faded, even when it came to Isabella.The years of self pity and depression had left a toll on me that could never be reversed, and it didn’t help that Isabella began to build a relationship with another guy. When we spoke, if we did, Isabella’s concern for my mental state outweighed the friendship we were struggling to preserve. I had come to the conclusion that pursuing Isabella would only make things worse, and I needed to just be her friend. Since I couldn’t lose the feelings I had for her, I just sat in them. While I sat in the pit, Isabella and I had one particular Facetime call in which I brought up how much I regretted dating Claire. To that, Isabella added, “Yeah, she’s so annoying. I can’t remember if you told me why you got together in the first place, what led you to her?” I paused with the thousand-yard stare of an American private fresh out of West Point. “I guess I was just so disappointed with myself for not being able to go to homecoming with you and being stuck on you for so long that I impulsively got with another girl to forget about my shortcomings,” I said with reluctance and stuttering every few words. She told me that she would’ve said yes to homecoming without a second thought, but I knew she meant as friends. Then, to my dismay, Isabella revealed that whenever I got with Claire, she still had feelings for me. It was me talking to Isabella about how great things were with me and Claire that led her to block me and cut contact with me. The piano melody from “No Surprises” by Radiohead began looping through my mind as tears ran down my face. I forget how I ended the call, but once I did, I broke. I lost my breath, my head got light, my eyes became blurry, my stomach was nauseous, and my insides sank as far as they could. Everything I wanted, dreamed of, needed had been so close, and I blew it. Everything was my fault. Later I would ask her why she lost them, and her answer proved how much better she was than me. Isabella answered, “I had been hurt, so I moved on. Just got over it.” We hardly spoke anymore, but one text message has found a permanent home in my mind. After asking me how I was, Isabella wasn’t satisfied with, “it’s complicated.” She asked that I explain it to her so that she could try to understand. I told her about all the issues going on in my life, except the torch I still held for her. She wrote, “I know you’re not religious, so it may not mean anything, but I pray for you every night, Lincoln. Even though it sounds bad, I think that I've known you weren’t in the greatest mental place for a while. I want you to know I'm not judging you, I want you to feel comfortable enough to share that with someone. You have to be able to recognize how you’re feeling in order to even fix it.” These words broke me despite their simplistic appearance. Reading that she prayed for me hit me hard as she had always tried to get me to believe in God again. I’m agnostic, and nothing has come closer to bringing me back to faith as Isabella did. The idea that if God were real and I could see her in heaven was appealing, but should Christianity be the wrong choice, I wanted to be wrong with Isabella. In the following days, Isabella told me about Alex, a guy she had been talking to a lot, and how they were at most a month away from being together. I hated everything about Alex, which is a stupid name in the first place. I hated his choice of friends, I hated how white-washed he was, I hated how he dressed like a conservative cowboy, I hated the underbite that made him look like a pug, I hated his short curly hair, I hated the fact that he was a diehard Trump supporter while people of his race were being oppressed, I hated how he pretended to be someone else when he was around Isabella, I hated how he hid unhealthy habits from her, I hated that a guy like him garnered Isabella’s affection when I couldn’t. I barely knew the guy and I was wasting my energy with hatred for him, when in reality, he was just a mind-numbingly basic douche among the hundreds just like him at our school. Isabella regularly complained about Alex, but hardly did anything. Instead she stopped bringing it up, saying that talking about her issues with others only makes it worse and that she was just wining. The monotone delivery of her reasoning hurt my soul, it was like she was reciting a text from Alex. Each day that passed, I felt the urgency of expressing my feelings one more time rising. Soon Isabella and Alex would be official, and I would lose my chance to try and express how I felt one more time. I reached out to Isabella and asked if she was free to hangout that friday. On November 10, 2023, Isabella picked me up around 5:30 in the evening. She kept the inside of her SUV looking brand new in contrast to the familiarity of her smile. My nerves left me winded after every sentence and shivering in her passenger seat. Quickly our conversation became more natural as I cracked jokes to ease my anxiety, but my shaky breathing never stopped. We went to Publix to grab some snacks and drinks and headed right back to my neighborhood park. At the Grove Point Park, we found a swinging chair to sit in. Due to the time of the year, the sun had already set, but Isabella’s beauty was indifferent under the moonlight. I haven’t the slightest clue how long we sat there together. When I’m with Isabella, even Father Time gives me grace, for he knows that he is as powerless as I am to the frequency of these moments. After a while, I mentioned that it was getting late and she agreed. On the ride back to my place, I mustered the bare minimum of strength it took to confront my feelings. As she drove over the speed bump before entering the roundabout, I began to open up. I briefly told her that I still felt the same way I did two years ago, that I had tried to forget about the feelings I had with no success, and that I was sorry to once again ruin our unstable friendship. She told me it was fine and my feelings were natural, nothing to regret or be ashamed of. Her words meant nothing to me this time because I had already heard them. Defeated, I paused for a moment, then said, “Isabella, you reciprocated my feelings in the past, so after Alex, do you think that maybe we’d have a chance?” She looked at me with pain in her eyes, not for herself, but for me. She quietly said, “I- Lincoln, you know I can’t answer that. I’m with Alex now, it wouldn’t be fair.” All I could get out was, “Oh- I- I’m sorry. Uh yeah no, you’re uh- you’re right.” Everything in me pulled and begged at my lips to say what I wanted to, but I couldn’t. I still look back on that night and wish I had said the few words I never got to tell her. What if saying them could’ve changed something? Realistically, it wouldn’t have, but the regret remains. I doubt Isabella would have even remembered where my word choice stemmed from. Regardless, the words rang in my head then, and never stopped. All I wanted to say at that moment was, “but I still need you.” Today, 1,725 days since I first saw Isabella, 822 days since I first facetimed Isabella, and 178 days since that heartbreakingly beautiful night, I still love her the same. Looking back on my experience with her, I regret many things (oversharing, Claire, the snake, etc.), but the one thing I have never regretted was meeting and loving her. It was only recently that I realized that loving her has been one of the biggest mistakes in my life. For three years, day in and day out, I’ve thought about her. Three years where I could have met other people, worked on myself, enjoyed my friends and family, but instead I’ve loved her and nothing, nobody else. The one lesson that was essential for me to take away from my experience was impossible. In eighth grade I was 5’7 and 215 lbs, today I’m 5’10 and 165 lbs. In eighth grade I spent time with my parents, today I hide in my room. In eighth grade, I told people how I felt, now I’m too scared. In eighth grade, I talked about my depression, now I am left alone to deal with it. In eighth grade, I had many friends, now I rarely speak to them. In eighth grade, I needed Isabella, but the one lesson I should’ve learned never took effect. I still need her.

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Years ago when I initially setup my UDM Pro they had a list of streaming services you could block. Some adult sites, hulu, netflix, etc. I need to unblock Hulu but can't find where to unblock it. I see a restriction group I created called "Streaming Services" under Security but nowhere can I find the actual group.

So I'm staying at my fiancées house we're we're super long distance and I don't see her as often as I'd like to being busy with work, we're getting married in the next few years. She went to this party just before she came to see me. I remember the day clearly it was the day she said she couldn't sleep and was up until 5am, she's never up late. She acc didn't stay at the party long she left super early which I thought was odd but her excuse was that she didn't enjoy the music.
You might ask how do I know they started talking again, well she gave me her laptop to watch netflix, and her WhatsApp was open already. I was going to close it but then my eye caught an unsaved number. I couldn't help myself, I was curious hmmm unsaved number okay? So idk if this was wrong but I decided to look. I then realised she had been talking to him all night.
The conversation wasn't anything crazy, he was acc congratulating her and saying he's happy she found someone she loves and got engaged. She proceeded to tell him how we live super far and only see each other once a month. She filled him in about where I'm from etc...
Now this is where the problem lies he has asked her to meet multiple times and she's always said no. This one day she was up late he had asked her and she replied with 'idm'. Now has she just agreed to meet him, I'm unsure. Because no.1 it's been a month or two and she hasn't said a single thing about this encounter. If I confront her excuse is going to be I didn't tell you because you get 'mad' she knows this upsets me. And in fact I had already asked her to cut contant years ago before I even asked her to be my girlfriend let alone fiancée. I'd said you can't be in contact with him like that if we're going to be something serious. Simply because he'd send her sexual messages and I simply was not cool with that ovc she wouldn't entertain the messages he would send. But still I'm not getting into a relationship with a girl who has a guy constantly sending stuff like that. She would call him gross and tell him to stop. Now three years into this relationship she's decided to unblock him and speak to him.
I mean I love her and we're engaged! She's literally the perfect girl and does a ton for me.
Now her saying 'i don't mind' to meeting is just I can't breathe, it made my heart sink a little. Would this be considered cheating even though they haven't acc met and it's been a month. Should I confront her?

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Nearby_Volume_7067
WIBTA for dumping my girlfriend after she ignored my calls and messages and went clubbing while I was undergoing emergency surgery.
Originally posted to AITAH
*Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU *
TRIGGER WARNING: neglect, negligence and ignoring serious health issues, major medical emergency
Original Post Apr 25, 2024
I 22M, and my girlfriend, 22F have been together for 5 years.
We've been together since high school, and until recently, I've always considered her to be my future wife. I've even bought a ring and was planning on proposing over the coming months.
Well, last weekend it was my girlfriend's best friend's birthday. She and her friends booked a private lounge at a club. Obviously, I didn't go since 1. I wasn't invited and 2. I hate clubbing or anything associated with that. I was actually looking forward to spending an evening alone and just binging Netflix or something. Well, my gf left around 9 pm, and I just crashed on the couch and watched some YouTube. Well, around 11 pm, I started to feel this distinct stomach pain. The same pain you experience when someone hits you in the nuts. It wasn't bad at first, and I just thought my body was playing some tricks on me, but in the span of about 5 minutes, the pain just kept getting worse until I was basically stuck in the fetal position on the couch. Again, initially, I just thought the pain would go, but then I pulled down my pants, and it felt like my right testicle was starting to swell.
The moment I tried to get up and grab my phone to inspect whatever the fuck was happening to me, I just collapsed to the floor. That was probably the worst pain I've ever felt in my life. Imagine being pelted in the nuts over and over again. I did manage to crawl to the table next to the couch to get my phone. I immediately tried calling my gf, but she declined my call. I then texted her that something was wrong and she could come home immediately. The club she went to is like a 5-minute walk from our apartment. I just put the phone down and started throwing up because of the pain. After throwing up for like a minute, it felt like the pain started to cool down a bit, and I grabbed my phone again, and that's when I saw her response. She just replied with a "What is it? 😒". I tried calling her again, but as expected, she just declined again. I then texted her that I need to go to the hospital now. She then asked for what, and I just replied with my balls hurt. I then just dialed for emergency services. I explained my situation to the emergency responder, and she asked if there was somebody that could drive me to the hospital, and I stupidly said yes. I thought my gf would be home soon, and she would drive me to the hospital. I felt embarrassed to call an ambulance because my "balls hurt." After I told the emergency responder this, she then told me that she would call me again in 10 minutes to make sure I was being driven to the hospital. I then put down the phone and went back to vomiting on our carpet. Again, after the pain went away for a bit, I checked my phone and saw that my gf just responded with laughing emojis. I again tried to call her, but as expected, she just declined again. She texted me that this wasn't the time to play games, and she then told me that if I texted or called her again, she would block my number. I again tried calling her, but she declined again, and when I tried calling her a second time, I realized she actually blocked me.
I went back to curling up on the floor, and now I started shivering. At this point, I didn't care about being embarrassed and just called emergency services again and asked for an ambulance. It felt like an eternity, but the ambulance eventually came and rushed me to the hospital. I don't remember much of surgery since I was sedated, but I remember waking up eventually, and my right testicle was being stitched together. The doctor informed me that I had a testicular torsion, and I was extremely lucky to reach the hospital in time. I could have easily been forced to surgically remove my testicle.
I checked my phone and saw the missed calls and messages my gf left me. In summary, she came home from clubbing and smelled the vomit in our apartment. When she saw the vomit on our carpet, she got mad and tried searching the apartment to find me. When she realized I wasn't there, only then did it hit her that I was actually being serious. I just texted her in which hospital I was staying in and my room number then went to sleep. I woke up the next morning and saw my gf sleeping on a couch next to my bed.
After she woke up, she started bombarding me with apologies. She thought I was joking, that I was trying to ruin their night, etc. I didn't have the energy to argue, so I just kept quiet. I was beyond hurt by what she did, and I wanted to break up with her then and there. Why the fuck would somebody ignore messages where their partner is begging them to come home? Not only that, she stayed in the club until 3 am and didn't even consider going home to check on me. She did stay with me in the hospital for the remaining two days I was admitted there and did take good care of me, but I was still beyond pissed at her. Ever since coming home yesterday, I've been wanting to dump her, but at the same time, I feel like she genuinely thought I was joking and made a mistake. I feel conflicted and don't know how to proceed in this situation.
WIBTA if I dumped her? Am I overreacting?
How would you guys navigate this mess?
Edit:
Just to clarify. No I never had an issue with her going out in the first place or have ever pulled pranks for her to come home from a night out.
And btw thank you guys so much for the support. Im beyond blown away.
Update Apr 28, 2024
First of all, I just want to thank all of you for the amazing support. It's been quite overwhelming, to be honest. I have so many unread messages, so please, guys, give me some time 🙏. I promise I'll respond to all of them.
Here is the link to my original Post: https://www.reddit.com/AITAH/comments/1cbea7w/wibta_for_dumping_my_girlfriend_after_she_ignored/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
First of all, I would like to clear up some misconceptions brewing in the comment section of my last Post.
No, I have never pulled any malicious pranks on my girlfriend to get her to come home early from a night out or anything, neither do I have an issue with her going out (as long as she doesn't come home at like 6 am). And no, I've never blown up her phone like that while she was out with friends. We usually go out together since we share the same friend groups.
Here are mine and her messages from WhatsApp in order since people thought I just texted her "my balls hurt" or something (translated)

1. Me: declined my first 2 calls (her name) please come home something is wrong.

​

1. Her: ??? can't talk rn. What is it 😒

​

1. Me: Tried calling her again. I need to go to the hospital.

​

1. Her: ???? What

​

1. Me: Again tried calling her twice. My Balls hurt. Please come NOW. Something is wrong

​

1. Her: 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

​

1. Me: tried calling her again twice after calling emergency services.

​

1. Her: I swear don't bother me again or I'm blocking you. Let me fucking enjoy my night out.

​

1. Me: Tried calling her again twice and got blocked. (At this point, the pain was too bad to try anything with her anymore and I just called an ambulance)

​

1. Her next message after unblocking me at 2 am: (my name) Why the fuck is there vomit in the living room and where the fuck are you? Why is the front door unlocked if you left somewhere?

She then went into a full mental breakdown as she realized I was being serious about going to the hospital (over 70 messages)

• Yes, it was stupid of me to expect her to drive me to the hospital since she was drinking, but again, In that type of pain, you don't think clearly. I think I needed her more for moral support and I did it out of pure instinct.

​

• Not immediately calling an ambulance was also stupid of me. I was in a lot of pain, but stupidly at the time thought that whatever I was going through would eventually calm down and driving to the hospital would be better than calling an ambulance. Also, in hindsight, me being embarrassed about calling an ambulance over "my balls" was definitely also really stupid.

​

• The amount of mental gymnastics some of you did in my comments to paint me as some sort of dweeb or "emotionally needy" person for bothering my gf was truly mind-blowing to me. I promise you if my gf was in my position and I ignored her, none of you would be defending me.

Now for the update. Thank for all those who wished me a speedy recovery. I'm doing much better now. Not being able to go to work for the next 3 weeks is definitely a bummer. I work for my dad's construction company, and my job requires lifting a lot of heavy weights. I'm also prohibited from having any sex for the next 2-3 weeks as well. I might have also developed some trauma due to the pain. I randomly get the same sensation again, and it's driving me nuts (see what I did there).
As for me and my gf. It's complicated. As so many of you and my mom told me, 5 years is definitely a long time to be just throwing away without having a proper conversation with her. So I did just that. I told her how hurt I felt by everything. I mentioned the following points.

• Her ignoring my messages and declining my calls (yes clubs are loud but where I'm from there are smoking areas where you can definitely have a conversation over the phone.)

​

• Blocking me after I tried calling her.

​

• Her not checking on me once even though the club she went to is only a 5-minute walk from our apartment.

​

• Her being angry about the vomit instead of being concerned.

After hearing that she got defensive and told me that I could have conveyed my situation better and that she genuinely thought I was joking. She was drunk and wasn't thinking clearly. She also told me that It couldn't have been THAT painful and I was over exaggerating. I then told her yes I could have phrased my messages better and I apologized for that but I then described the pain I was in and told her that I barely had the strength to text her, let alone send her a detailed description of what was happening to me and definitely couldn't think straight throughout everything.
After hearing what I said she started crying and apologizing for what she did. She told me if she knew how serious it was, we wouldn't have been having this conversation. She then also apologized for her being mad over the vomit. According to her she was drunk and tired and was just expressing frustration. I then asked her why she thought I was joking and if she was cheating on me because this was seriously out of character for her, hence why I immediately trusted her with this. She started crying harder and she looked like I just slapped her in the face. She told me that she just thought I was being insecure about her being in the club with a bunch of guys and no she wasn't cheating on me and would never do something like that. We then hugged for a solid 10 minutes after that.
The next part was really hard for me but I told her I need some space to gather my thoughts and told her she needs to stay with her parents for the time being. She immediately started having a mental breakdown and asked If I was breaking up with her. I told her I wasn't sure and needed time to see If I still trusted her after all of this and what she did was beyond disrespectful. How could I trust someone with my life after they pulled something like this? I then told her that we are young and this mess was mostly caused by our immaturity, this entire situation was an important life lesson for the both of us regardless if we stayed together.
After begging a bit more she then put her head down and started packing a few essentials. Before leaving she told she would be willing to do anything to make up for this and that I could take as much time as I needed. She then gave me a big kiss and left. That was two days ago and this is where we currently stand. I still give her updates on my healing but besides that we don't contact each other.
I'm really torn right now. I still don't have that trust in her but her owning up to her mistake shows that she knows she fucked up and is remorseful. This is definitely something out of the ordinary for her, but there will have to be major boundaries and new rules set. I can think of the following.

1. If she blocks me again for anything = blocking herself from ever seeing me again

​

1. Ignoring my messages will not be tolerated anymore

​

1. If she goes out alone again, she has to pick up if I call regardless of the situation

​

1. As many of you suggested having an emergency code like "hospital" or something would probably have to be implemented.

I'm not going to abuse any of these boundaries but I just want peace of mind knowing that my partner has my best interest at heart even when she is physically not around me but idk.
Again I just want to thank you guys for everything and this whole experience was definitely an eye-opener for me.
Should I get back together with her? If yes, would my demands be reasonable and could I add something more?
WIBTA if I dumped her over this whole saga?
EDIT: I don't know what happened to the bullet points in my post. Seems to be a weird bug or something.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
Dipshitistan

I have no idea if she was (is) cheating or not, but that fact is also fully irrelevant to the situation. You literally cannot trust her in situations where you could be seriously ill; that is the most basic level of expectation in a serious relationship. That all suggests to me that you aren't really in a serious relationship. Not in her eyes, anyway. Time to make the goodbye permanent.

OOP

Thats my biggest concern with everything.

~
Commenter

Do you still love her? Would you be able to forget the past and start fresh from here, and never bring up the incident again? As for your rules, 1 and 4 are good. The other 2 get you into controlling territory. If you have to go that far to save a relationship, is it even worth saving?

OOP

Ok thank you for bringing that up to my attention. I love her to death. Weve been best friends for 12 years and have been together for 5. Ill try everything to make this work. Edit: If I choose to get back together with her, wich as it stands now is unlikely.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP
DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

EDIT- Thanks for so many upvotes and comments.
IF YOU DO P2P OR EVEN USE UPI PLZ READ MY POST TO UNDERSTAND HOW FCED OUR GOVT SYSTEM IS. YOU WILL SURELY THANK ME. TN- Tamilnadu, CC- Cybercrime
IMPORTANT DATES TO NOTE:-
16 JAN 2024- P2P TRANSACTION
16 JAN 2024- Cyber crime complain against funds received in my account
17 FEB 2024- Cybercrime sends notice to my bank to freeze my whole account
1 APRIL 2024- Bank actually blocked my account
3 APRIL 2024- Started to do everything in order to unfreeze my account
29 APRIL 2024- Cybercrime sends notice to my bank to unfreeze my account
3 MAY 2024- My account finally gets unfreezed
SO i did some transaction using rupeechanger.com and exchanged around 1.2 lakh worth of usdt from them. Now the reason i used rupeechanger.com is because they have proper kyc done on their platfrom before anyone does any p2p so naturally p2p scam shouldnt happen in this case. But on 16/1/24 i exchanged 40k worth of usdt from them and they sent me 23000+5000 (IMPS from A/C 1) and 12120 (using upi from A/C 2).
Now i was fool enough to take 3 payments for 1 exchange and that also involving 2 different accounts. So on 16/1/24 someone from TN filed a case in cybercrime for a total amount of 10,28,520 rs and the 12120 which was sent by rupeechanger.com were a part of those scammed funds. Now idk how genuine the complaint was or rupeechanger.com is scamming its users by filing fake cases idk.
It was all fine until i realised on 1st April my netflix payment failed and upi, debit card everything stopped working. so i visited bank and got to know CC (Cybercrime) has ordered bank to freeze my account from 17 Feb 2024. Now idk how my transactions passed for the month of march bec as per the order account should be freezed from 17 Feb 2024.
After getting to know my account was blocked i sent mail to TN cybercrime , TN police, Canara Bank head branch ( my bank), Canara bank home branch explaining my whole transaction to them. No one, even my Bank head branch didnt reply anything only my bank manager co operated with me whenever his help was needed sending formal letters through his mail etc...
First of all it has caused so much of mental stress for me as i live in mumbai and account was blocked by TN CC. Mumbai CC, Mumbai, Police, Bank head branch, no one would help me and told me to contact TN CC. But even after mailing TN CC, no one replied to me even after sending multiple reminders even TN police has ignored all my reminders and mails. And all the phone numbers on google are either wrong numbers or they are switched off/ non reachable.
Finally my kind bank manager gave me 1 phone number on which i called and that person gave me another number of TN police and i whatsapped him all the details of my case. Same day i get a call from TN CC regarding freeze of my account and then even after explaining them my whole transaction, in the end he said me to pay the lien/ fraud amount "if" you want to unfreeze your account.
Now the amount was only 12120rs and i could have paid the very next moment but i decided to take 10 days of time to think about and it and find some other route. After 10-12 days i decided to just f it and pay the lien/ fraud amount get out of this gutter.
on 29 APRIL 2024 i deposited 12,120 rs in the victims account ( details shared by TN CC) and share the deposit slip with TN CC over email and later also share Aadhar number upon their request. Same day TN CC sent a mail to my head branch of bank to unfreeze my account.
And on 3 MAY 2024 my account was finally unblocked.
In all of this mess i had to visit my bank 10 times, local police station 2-3 times and Mumbai CC 2 times. Also face issues with my transactions, since my account was blocked all cheques got blocked and caused serious issues for me.
yes i did some mistakes but i never thought this kind of scam would happen with me. Personally i have lost faith in whole upi system. The only time i would use upi payment and receive upi payment is from places like amazon, electricity bill, internet bill etc all formal places. To do transaction with strangers i would open a new bank account and use only that bank account as i do not trust in this whole system.
Also before paying the victim 12120 rs it was very difficult to trust TN CC as it was all over the phone. The amount of mental stress it has caused is unmatched.
FEW FACTS- 1)CANARA BANK IS SHIT
2) WHOLE SYSTEM OF BLOCKING ACCOUNTS AND INVESTIGATING IS FAVOURING SCAMMERS
3)TN CC, MUMBAI CC, MUMBAI POLICE, TN POLICE, HEAD BRANCH no one helped or co operated with me. Only my bank manager MR Abhishek Pandey ( Canara bank chembur Amar mahal branch) fully co operated with me and did everything he could from his end.
4) Cash will always be superior to any form of digital payment.
Now from my post u can understand how i had to bear so much of mental stress, had to mail so many people, had to visit so many places so many times and still had to take loss of 12120 to unfreeze my account and the person who actually scammed is enjoying while out govt is busy harassing innocent people .

I had been subbed to Netflix's highest tier, specifically because I wanted to share the account with my brother & his kids in another state as a gift to them. Over the years I personally got less and less interested in Netflix's content, so I only maintained my account for their sake, and when Netflix blocked that: I ended my subscription.
Then today my brother called me to let me know that his daughter was back on Netflix.
So I check my app and sure enough I can log in
Then I check my email to make sure that I really did end the service: August 29th 2023 I have a "sorry you don't like us" email to confirm my cancellation, then November 1st 2023 I have a "we would like to have you back" email, followed by a "welcome back" email on November 5th.
Maybe one of my brothers kids clicked the resubscribe button on the PS4 they watch it through, but then shouldn't I have gotten a confirmation on my phone / email?
But also aren't they supposed to still be blocked from watching my account in an entirely different state from my billing address?

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• NordVPN Video Review
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How to get cheaper Netflix?

Check out gamsgo, a service that lets you split the cost of streaming services with other users!
Getting cheaper Netflix via the old turkish method is not reliable and does not work that well anymore unfortunately...

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Nearby_Volume_7067 posting in AITAH
Ongoing as per OOP
1 update - Medium
Original - 23rd April 2024
Update - 28th April 2024
​
WIBTA for dumping my girlfriend after she ignored my calls and messages and went clubbing while I was undergoing emergency surgery.
​
I 22M, and my girlfriend, 22F have been together for 5 years.
We've been together since high school, and until recently, I've always considered her to be my future wife. I've even bought a ring and was planning on proposing over the coming months.
Well, last weekend it was my girlfriend's best friend's birthday. She and her friends booked a private lounge at a club. Obviously, I didn't go since 1. I wasn't invited and 2. I hate clubbing or anything associated with that. I was actually looking forward to spending an evening alone and just binging Netflix or something. Well, my gf left around 9 pm, and I just crashed on the couch and watched some YouTube. Well, around 11 pm, I started to feel this distinct stomach pain. The same pain you experience when someone hits you in the nuts. It wasn't bad at first, and I just thought my body was playing some tricks on me, but in the span of about 5 minutes, the pain just kept getting worse until I was basically stuck in the fetal position on the couch. Again, initially, I just thought the pain would go, but then I pulled down my pants, and it felt like my right testicle was starting to swell.
The moment I tried to get up and grab my phone to inspect whatever the fuck was happening to me, I just collapsed to the floor. That was probably the worst pain I've ever felt in my life. Imagine being pelted in the nuts over and over again. I did manage to crawl to the table next to the couch to get my phone. I immediately tried calling my gf, but she declined my call. I then texted her that something was wrong and she could come home immediately.
The club she went to is like a 5-minute walk from our apartment. I just put the phone down and started throwing up because of the pain. After throwing up for like a minute, it felt like the pain started to cool down a bit, and I grabbed my phone again, and that's when I saw her response. She just replied with a "What is it? 😒". I tried calling her again, but as expected, she just declined again. I then texted her that I need to go to the hospital now. She then asked for what, and I just replied with my balls hurt. I then just dialed for emergency services.
I explained my situation to the emergency responder, and she asked if there was somebody that could drive me to the hospital, and I stupidly said yes. I thought my gf would be home soon, and she would drive me to the hospital. I felt embarrassed to call an ambulance because my "balls hurt." After I told the emergency responder this, she then told me that she would call me again in 10 minutes to make sure I was being driven to the hospital. I then put down the phone and went back to vomiting on our carpet.
Again, after the pain went away for a bit, I checked my phone and saw that my gf just responded with laughing emojis. I again tried to call her, but as expected, she just declined again. She texted me that this wasn't the time to play games, and she then told me that if I texted or called her again, she would block my number. I again tried calling her, but she declined again, and when I tried calling her a second time, I realized she actually blocked me.
I went back to curling up on the floor, and now I started shivering. At this point, I didn't care about being embarrassed and just called emergency services again and asked for an ambulance. It felt like an eternity, but the ambulance eventually came and rushed me to the hospital. I don't remember much of surgery since I was sedated, but I remember waking up eventually, and my right testicle was being stitched together. The doctor informed me that I had a testicular torsion, and I was extremely lucky to reach the hospital in time. I could have easily been forced to surgically remove my testicle.
I checked my phone and saw the missed calls and messages my gf left me. In summary, she came home from clubbing and smelled the vomit in our apartment. When she saw the vomit on our carpet, she got mad and tried searching the apartment to find me. When she realized I wasn't there, only then did it hit her that I was actually being serious. I just texted her in which hospital I was staying in and my room number then went to sleep. I woke up the next morning and saw my gf sleeping on a couch next to my bed.
After she woke up, she started bombarding me with apologies. She thought I was joking, that I was trying to ruin their night, etc. I didn't have the energy to argue, so I just kept quiet. I was beyond hurt by what she did, and I wanted to break up with her then and there. Why the fuck would somebody ignore messages where their partner is begging them to come home? Not only that, she stayed in the club until 3 am and didn't even consider going home to check on me. She did stay with me in the hospital for the remaining two days I was admitted there and did take good care of me, but I was still beyond pissed at her. Ever since coming home yesterday, I've been wanting to dump her, but at the same time, I feel like she genuinely thought I was joking and made a mistake. I feel conflicted and don't know how to proceed in this situation.
WIBTA if I dumped her? Am I overreacting?
How would you guys navigate this mess?
Edit:
Just to clarify. No I never had an issue with her going out in the first place or have ever pulled pranks for her to come home from a night out.
And btw thank you guys so much for the support. Im beyond blown away.
​
Comments
​
Sad_Wind8580
Even if she thought you were joking, you deserved a phone call. Your partner should be worried about you vs “why are you ruining my night?” Have you ever done this before?
She could have called to confirm something was or was not wrong when you said hospital. I would really consider if you went to continue this relationship. She prioritized partying over a phone call, heard hospital and still blocked you, and was planning on yelling about the vomiting.
I’ wish you well in your healing.
​
BeLikeWaterMJH
I can’t imagine my partner blocking my number at all while we’re actively dating lmao, let alone while I’m in the midst of a health crisis. Gargantuan red flag.
​
Shape_Charming
Yup, if I called my girlfriend and my number was blocked I would assume I'm single and proceed with my life accordingly.
​
lobeams
Former paramedic here. Dude, when you're in that level of pain, don't call your fucking gf. Call emergency services. There's nothing to be embarrassed about. Oh, and NTA, but your gf is.
​
tismsia
They have a strong disconnect in communication styles. If they get married before figuring it out, they're going to blame each other.
​
**Judgement - NTA*\*
​
Update - 5 days later
​
First of all, I just want to thank all of you for the amazing support. It's been quite overwhelming, to be honest. I have so many unread messages, so please, guys, give me some time 🙏. I promise I'll respond to all of them.
​
First of all, I would like to clear up some misconceptions brewing in the comment section of my last Post.
No, I have never pulled any malicious pranks on my girlfriend to get her to come home early from a night out or anything, neither do I have an issue with her going out (as long as she doesn't come home at like 6 am). And no, I've never blown up her phone like that while she was out with friends. We usually go out together since we share the same friend groups.
Here are mine and her messages from WhatsApp in order since people thought I just texted her "my balls hurt" or something (translated)
​

1. Me: declined my first 2 calls (her name) please come home something is wrong.
2. Her: ??? can't talk rn. What is it 😒
3. Me: Tried calling her again. I need to go to the hospital.
4. Her: ???? What
5. Me: Again tried calling her twice. My Balls hurt. Please come NOW. Something is wrong
6. Her: 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
7. Me: tried calling her again twice after calling emergency services.
8. Her: I swear don't bother me again or I'm blocking you. Let me fucking enjoy my night out.
9. Me: Tried calling her again twice and got blocked. (At this point, the pain was too bad to try anything with her anymore and I just called an ambulance)
10. Her next message after unblocking me at 2 am: (my name) Why the fuck is there vomit in the living room and where the fuck are you? Why is the front door unlocked if you left somewhere?

​
She then went into a full mental breakdown as she realized I was being serious about going to the hospital (over 70 messages)
​

• Yes, it was stupid of me to expect her to drive me to the hospital since she was drinking, but again, In that type of pain, you don't think clearly. I think I needed her more for moral support and I did it out of pure instinct.
• Not immediately calling an ambulance was also stupid of me. I was in a lot of pain, but stupidly at the time thought that whatever I was going through would eventually calm down and driving to the hospital would be better than calling an ambulance. Also, in hindsight, me being embarrassed about calling an ambulance over "my balls" was definitely also really stupid.
• The amount of mental gymnastics some of you did in my comments to paint me as some sort of dweeb or "emotionally needy" person for bothering my gf was truly mind-blowing to me. I promise you if my gf was in my position and I ignored her, none of you would be defending me.

​
Now for the update. Thank for all those who wished me a speedy recovery. I'm doing much better now. Not being able to go to work for the next 3 weeks is definitely a bummer. I work for my dad's construction company, and my job requires lifting a lot of heavy weights. I'm also prohibited from having any sex for the next 2-3 weeks as well. I might have also developed some trauma due to the pain. I randomly get the same sensation again, and it's driving me nuts (see what I did there).
As for me and my gf. It's complicated. As so many of you and my mom told me, 5 years is definitely a long time to be just throwing away without having a proper conversation with her. So I did just that. I told her how hurt I felt by everything. I mentioned the following points.
​

• Her ignoring my messages and declining my calls (yes clubs are loud but where I'm from there are smoking areas where you can definitely have a conversation over the phone.)
• Blocking me after I tried calling her.
• Her not checking on me once even though the club she went to is only a 5-minute walk from our apartment.
• Her being angry about the vomit instead of being concerned.

​
After hearing that she got defensive and told me that I could have conveyed my situation better and that she genuinely thought I was joking. She was drunk and wasn't thinking clearly. She also told me that It couldn't have been THAT painful and I was over exaggerating. I then told her yes I could have phrased my messages better and I apologized for that but I then described the pain I was in and told her that I barely had the strength to text her, let alone send her a detailed description of what was happening to me and definitely couldn't think straight throughout everything.
After hearing what I said she started crying and apologizing for what she did. She told me if she knew how serious it was, we wouldn't have been having this conversation. She then also apologized for her being mad over the vomit. According to her she was drunk and tired and was just expressing frustration. I then asked her why she thought I was joking and if she was cheating on me because this was seriously out of character for her, hence why I immediately trusted her with this. She started crying harder and she looked like I just slapped her in the face. She told me that she just thought I was being insecure about her being in the club with a bunch of guys and no she wasn't cheating on me and would never do something like that. We then hugged for a solid 10 minutes after that.
The next part was really hard for me but I told her I need some space to gather my thoughts and told her she needs to stay with her parents for the time being. She immediately started having a mental breakdown and asked If I was breaking up with her. I told her I wasn't sure and needed time to see If I still trusted her after all of this and what she did was beyond disrespectful. How could I trust someone with my life after they pulled something like this? I then told her that we are young and this mess was mostly caused by our immaturity, this entire situation was an important life lesson for the both of us regardless if we stayed together.
After begging a bit more she then put her head down and started packing a few essentials. Before leaving she told she would be willing to do anything to make up for this and that I could take as much time as I needed. She then gave me a big kiss and left. That was two days ago and this is where we currently stand. I still give her updates on my healing but besides that we don't contact each other.
I'm really torn right now. I still don't have that trust in her but her owning up to her mistake shows that she knows she fucked up and is remorseful. This is definitely something out of the ordinary for her, but there will have to be major boundaries and new rules set. I can think of the following.
​

1. If she blocks me again for anything = blocking herself from ever seeing me again
2. Ignoring my messages will not be tolerated anymore
3. If she goes out alone again, she has to pick up if I call regardless of the situation
4. As many of you suggested having an emergency code like "hospital" or something would probably have to be implemented.

​
I'm not going to abuse any of these boundaries but I just want peace of mind knowing that my partner has my best interest at heart even when she is physically not around me but idk.
Again I just want to thank you guys for everything and this whole experience was definitely an eye-opener for me.
Should I get back together with her? If yes, would my demands be reasonable and could I add something more?
WIBTA if I dumped her over this whole saga?
EDIT: I don't know what happened to the bullet points in my post. Seems to be a weird bug or something.
​
Comments
​
Jillio_NH
Time in doesn’t mean you need to stay with someone. That just delays the ending of it if you think you can’t get past not trusting her.
You would not be an asshole if you chose to end it. You would also not be one if you decided to give it a go. You need to go with your gut.
I personally would have a hard time getting past someone blocking me when we are in a relationship. That level of petty would be too much for me. To me, that does not imply a partnership, and I need a partnership with my significant other (this October will be my 30th anniversary of being married) if he blocked me or did not pick up when I made multiple calls That would be a trust broken and I’m not sure I would be able to get past that.
​
thatbinchrose
When I woke up my partner in the middle of the night for him (it was 9am but he got off work at 5am) in pain so bad all I could communicate was “something is wrong” he dropped everything to help me. He drove me to the hospital, called my parents for me, explained what had been going on to the doctors, advocated for me to get pain meds, and stayed with me the entire time. That’s what a caring partner should do.
If a partner doesn’t help okay maybe they can’t. If my partner even called me twice in a row I’d drop everything to answer or call back. If for some reason I can’t I’ll text him.
Your partner is a million red flags disguised as human I think
​
Wide_Comment3081
But also, I would never be able to recover from this if this happened to me. You were having a medical emergency and she's STILL trying to blame you for 'not communicating clearly'
​
I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

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ExpressVPN has high-speed servers in 94 countries, including cities all across the United States. It uses its own proprietary Lightway protocol that's designed for super fast, reliable connections. No more buffering woes!
On the security front, you get military-grade encryption, perfect forward secrecy, a kill switch, and DNS/IPv6 leak protection. ExpressVPN doesn't log any of your online activities either.
Some other nifty features include split-tunneling, smart DNS, mediastreamer for smart TVs and gaming consoles, and up to 5 simultaneous connections.
The only real downside? ExpressVPN doesn't come cheap. But frequent discounts take a bit of the sting out of the pricing. Plus there's that sweet 30-day money-back guarantee as a safety net.

1. 💻 CyberGhost - Streaming Optimized Servers and Massive Network

CyberGhost has one of the biggest VPN server networks around, with over 7,700 servers spanning 91 countries. That's a whole lotta options for finding a lightning-fast US server to unblock Crunchyroll!
But the really cool thing about CyberGhost is its streaming-optimized servers, which are configured specifically for buffer-free video streaming on popular services. There's even one optimized just for Crunchyroll!
I took CyberGhost for a spin and could easily access the full Crunchyroll anime library, with no stuttering or quality issues. Slick!
CyberGhost covers all the security essentials too - military-grade encryption, a kill switch, DNS/IP leak protection, and a comprehensive no-logs policy that's been independently audited.
Other streaming-friendly features include unlimited bandwidth, 7 simultaneous device connections, and Smart DNS for non-VPN devices.
CyberGhost is pretty affordable, especially on longer plans. You can test it out yourself thanks to the generous 45-day money-back guarantee - plenty of time for an extended anime binge!

1. 💻 Private Internet Access - Simple But Solid for Crunchyroll

If you're looking for a straightforward, no-nonsense VPN for accessing US Crunchyroll, Private Internet Access (PIA) could be just what you need.
PIA has servers in all 50 US states, and it's a cinch to connect to the fastest one for your location with the auto-connect feature. Its WireGuard implementation means lightning-quick VPN speeds too.
While not as fancy as some premium VPNs, PIA has all the essential security chops - military-grade encryption, a kill switch, leak protection, and a cast-iron no-logs policy that's been proven in court.
The Android app comes loaded with an internet killswitch, split-tunneling, proxy support, and the ability to use PIA on unlimited devices. Sweet!
PIA might not dazzle with eye-catching features, but it's reliable, secure, and excellent value for money - especially if you nab one of the frequent discounts. It even throws in a 30-day money-back guarantee.
Stream Crunchyroll Anywhere with a VPN! 📺🌍
There you have it - my top VPN picks for watching ALL the Crunchyroll anime you can handle in 2024, no matter where you're located on this big ol' globe.
But before you rush off and start binging, there's a couple things to keep in mind:
1) While using a VPN for Crunchyroll is likely fine legally, it does violate the platform's terms of service. So maybe keep a low profile and don't go shouting about it from the rooftops. 🤫
2) Make sure to grab a VPN with a money-back guarantee, so you can test it out with Crunchyroll first before fully committing. My #1 recommendation NordVPN has a risk-free 30-day refund window, which is awesome.
So there you go! Now you're free to travel the world catching every Crunchyroll anime as it airs, whether you're kicking back at home or on a beach in Bali. 🏖
Grab one of those trusty VPNs, settle in with your favorite snacks, and let the anime binge commence! Kanpai! 🍻

What are your thoughts on the Korean Japanese drama Eye Love You? Let us know!
(Please Note: Not everyone has seen the drama so PLEASE USE SPOILER TAGS. You can create a spoiler tag by typing > ! this spoiler ! < without the spaces to get this spoiler or using Markdown Mode)

• Drama: Eye Love You
  • Native Title: アイラブユー
  • Also Known As: Ai Rabu Yuu
• Country: Japan
• Episodes: 10
• Aired: Jan 23, 2024 - Mar 26, 2024
• Original Network: TBS
• Streaming: Netflix, Viki
• Duration: 57 min.
• Content Rating: 15+ - Teens 15 or older
• Director: Fukuda Ryosuke, Okamoto Shingo, Kato Akiko
• Screenwriter: Miura Kisa, Yamashita Subaru, Miura Saki
• Genres: Comedy, Romance, Supernatural
• Starring:
  • Nikaido Fumi (Shogun, Himizu) as Motomiya Yuri
  • Chae Jong Hyeop (Castaway Diva, Nevertheless, Unblock My Boss) as Yoon Tae Oh
  • Nakagawa Taishi as Hanaoka Akito
  • Yamashita Mizuki as Ikemoto Mahiro

Plot Summary
After an accident, Motomiya Yuri can hear other people's inner voices when she looks into their eyes. Due to these telepathic abilities, Yuri hears people's true feelings that she does not want to know, and she often gets hurt in secret. She becomes afraid of knowing other people's true feelings, and she becomes afraid of showing her true feelings to others as well. She does not get close to people if not necessary and gave up on falling in love.
One day, Yuri meets Yoon Tae Oh, a younger Korean student. Tae Oh has a bright and friendly personality and is loved by everyone around him due to his innocence. He is straightforward and extremely pure when it comes to love. When she happens to make eye contact with him, she hears his inner thoughts and voice, but in Korean! With Tae Oh she starts to think that the love she had given up on might still be possible. Will Tae Oh's bright and straightforward presence melt Yuri's closed heart, which is unable to reveal her true feelings?
(Source: MyDramaList)

I've been running a pi-hole via unraid docker container for about a year. I usually sit between 150-200k queries in a day, with a 35% block rate. We cut the cord, have a ton of IoT devices, and 6-8 humans living in the house when no guests are over. My Samsung TV is usually my worst offender with netflix around 3000-5000 hits queries in a day.
I came home from lunch today and just happened to notice in my Pi-Hole app I had over 600k hits. We have a Eufy robo vacuum, that does regularly communicate "home", it was sitting at nearly 500k hits, about 370 times a minute, from vg6uyxlsv7.execute-api.us-east-2.amazonaws.com . The Eufy is not new, we've had it for as long as the pi-hole has been up and this has not occurred before.
These were not blocked either, as I know, sometimes when something is "blocked" via Pi-Hole the devices keeps attempting to make the communication. Just to see what would happen, I blocked it, and it increased to 1,500 queries per minute. I am at 876k queries and climbing fast. My router shows about 4GB of traffic from that device in 24 hours. Typically its about 25 MB a day.
Does anyone have experience with this? Must be something on their end or the device malfunctioning. It still behaves normally blocked or unblocked. I checked for a firmware update, but there was none. I know this doesn't indicate something wrong with the pi-hole, seems to be doing its job, however I am curious if anyone has seen this before? I feel like I would need to have the vacuum bypass just to not skew my statistics, but then what is the point.
**Edit** is it possible to rate-limit a specific device?

I've been thinking about how to make my online privacy and safety better, especially on Chrome. A VPN add-on for Chrome seems like an easy way to keep my online privacy safe without using an app. Chrome add-ons are available from NordVPN, ExpressVPN, and TunnelBear. Before making a choice, I'd like to know if anyone has used Chrome VPN apps. How fast are they and how reliable are they? They seem to protect your privacy and safety like PCs. I'm interested in how fast they can browse and how well they can unblock things like Netflix countries or geo-restrictions.

I was looking for a new VPN service and came across Surfshark. It interests me because it lets you use it on an endless number of devices and has some great features, such as CleanWeb, which supposedly blocks ads, trackers, and harmful websites. The Whitelister tool lets certain websites or apps go around the VPN, which sounds really useful for banking apps and other similar apps. But before I start, I wanted to see if anyone here has used Surfshark before. There are different kinds of reviews online, but I want to see some real comments from real people. How do you think it works, especially in terms of how fast it is and how reliable it is? Is it really as good as the reviews say it is at unblocking material like Netflix libraries from other countries? Also, I'm interested in how secure and private it is. Now that there are so many worries about data breaches and snooping, I want to make sure I pick a VPN that really hides what I do online.

I've been considering increasing my online privacy and security, especially on Chrome. A VPN addon for Chrome sounds like a convenient solution to protect my online without an app. NordVPN, ExpressVPN, and TunnelBear offer Chrome extensions. I'm curious if anyone has used Chrome VPN extensions before deciding. How's their speed and reliability? Do they protect your privacy and security like desktops? I'm curious about browsing speed and how successfully they unblock stuff, such Netflix regions or geo-restrictions.