Hey all! I’ve been on a weight loss journey for almost a year and I’ve lost up to 17 pounds. While I’m proud of my progress, I still get discouraged and impatient. I have learned a lot through my weight loss journey, and decided to make this post pointing out a few things that I wish I knew before losing weight. Hope this helps others who feel the same way and those who are looking to start losing weight in the near future.
I wish someone informed me on how HARD it is! You go through a bunch of mental hardships and learn about how unhealthy of an eater you are. I use to think “I don’t eat that much, why am I overweight?” Welp, I prob didn’t eat much but my calorie intake was prob pretty high. Also, I wish someone informed me that nutrition is far more important than going to the gym multiple times a week. I’ve developed discipline with the gym which is great, but my eating habits need work. I’m that type of person that can’t lose weight from solely going to the gym. I definitely have to do a 180 with my diet. Lastly, I wish someone informed me of the math/science that you’ll have to do when it comes down to what you should eat. That I’d have to weigh my food and read nutrition labels to accurately track my calories. Idc what anyone says, losing weight isn’t easy. Even if you get to a point where you understand all of this stuff, it’s still not easy. It can be heavily discouraging and you have to be super patient to see results over time. Sorry for the rant but hope someone can relate.

hi, i am 42 and i feel all i have in my life is my job and my parents of whom i live with.
i have no children or family or my own, and this failing has been eating away at me. tried to do something about it but nothing availed (career? string of dead end jobs. women? never reply or can ever get close to on a personal level). after my grandmum died a few weeks ago i really do begin to feel the clock ticking and this anxiety and worry, i dont know if thats a midlife crisis.
all i know, this is not just an episode of being 'down in the dumps'. its been something i feel its been growing inside me for years - not in my head, but feeling it from my gut. i'm starting to feel it interrupting my job. my get up and go has got up has gone. i just dont feel like working even though the rational part of me forces myself to just do it. i dont know if i have depression but lately i am in this state where i just dont feel like doing anything and i am just unhappy.
i used to be a gamer in my 30s as a hobby, but i havent even touched my ps5 for over 6 months. i've sold all my games. i just lost the will to play.
i have been seeing a counsellor for 11 years in trying to 'get help' (as everyone keeps saying) but i feel its done hardly anything for me. she has aspired me to do travelling to get out my comfort zone and meet people, which i have done. but thats it. even travelling is becoming meaningless now because i am constantly in this state of preoccupation. i know after a big holiday i'll never see those people again even if they add me on facebook or not (and when they don't, it hurts).
people say talk to friends and family. i have no real friends. never have. when i was a little boy in school, i was bullied. in secondary school i got focused on my studies thinking that eventually, a degree would unlock a life of fabulous riches. but i eventually learned the hard way with years of unemployment that it wasnt, back then. i tried reaching out to people, online via a facebook group, but it descended to insults and hurtful remarks that left me banned and made me punched the wall. my family doesnt know about my feelings, becaise from what i have seen, mental health is seen as taboo. they'll just admonish me, shout me down, tell me to get a grip. i cant really talk to them because they're going to deny theres a problem. and i dont want to break their hearts, especially my parents. i rather soak the pain than bring them in it. i love them too much to see them feel hurt for me.
social groups - when going out, if its not work or a family function, i largely have social anxiety. i so badly want to meet women and get a girlfriend, who hopefully becomes my wife and eventual mother to my kids and form my new family, but i just seem incapable of it. i just cant get close to a woman at that personal and intimate level. if i try, it results in failure and embarassment. at the rare times i did try, it just doesnt come out right. i once went to salsa dancing class in a big city nearby, trying to talk to women, but the anxiety was so overwhelming, i couldnt breathe, and thought i was going to have a heart attack, i had to get out of there. i never been back since. i dont even go to pubs. i think about women more and more - even women i wasnt attracted to at first, drives me crazy now. i remember when leaving a job to move to another, a lady colleague i worked alot with hugged me, and it felt unlike anything i felt before. it was amazing. the softness, the warmth, the care...its as if i was missing that my whole life. i was close to crying. i want to experience true closeness, and intimacy.
thats not to say i'm a virgin. i lost my virginity at 30 to an escort; that was a unsatisfying experience as even then i had anxiety and couldnt perform properly - i did it because i didnt wanted to be the '30 year old virgin'. i just cant seem to get close with women. i tend to obsess about them. my instagram feed is full of attractive women. seeing beautiful ones on tv, even if its just the weather girl or news reader, it drives me nuts. in my job, i work with journalists, and theres many women there. i can talk to them confidently and easily, IF ITS ABOUT WORK. the instances i tried to talk about life in trying to get to know them and get close to them, the barrier goes up. i can tell because they wont add me on fb or whatever. i just cant seem to hack it with women. no woman = no wife = no mother to my children = no family of my own = no legacy.
i appreciate some might say not having family should not mean one is a failure. however, as much as i tried to ignore it, i come from a culture whereby family trumps everything else - money, career, hobbies, everything. i been ignoring it for years. trying to chase a career, which ended up as a string of dead end temporary jobs. losing 15 years of my life to this, living from temp job to temp job, and going to over 200 job interviews in getting secure employment, enduring hundreds of devastating rejections. but, years later, i now have at least job security, which is most important, but am beginning to feel the limit of my pay. trying to chase a career, spending nights throughout the 2010s playing video games and enjoying my gaming career in that, playing adventure games...but now i have reached a point where i've 'run out' of games to play and nothing (except maybe gta6) will interest me in picking up a controller again. i've grown out of it, it seems. i even been travelling more too - i travel far, and so big holidays. from usa, to africa, to europe, to india, and soon to be going to australia... doing all sorts of holidays from cruises, ranch holidays, safari, hiking, group road trips, wildlife conservation volunteering, sailing the mediterrarian - grand, amazing experiences that does suspend my worries... but in the end, i keep coming back to them, this feeling of emptiness.
my big fear is seeing my parents get older and dying from a broken heart caused by me. my dad worked in construction but is retired and now freelances, and he tends to hurt himself in accidents as he gets clumsy. my mother works in a school. i have always lived with my family except during the years i was at university. i feel my mum and dad are my 'best friends' - sad as it sounds -and the thought of them both going to die somepoint in the future, fills me with dread. because i feel i have failed them, in not continuing the family line. failing to secure a legacy for us. to keep us all going, surviving through the next generation. when i think about it deeply, our bloodline has been passed down for thousands of years, surviving through all sorts such as wars, plagues, and revolutions. i feel compelled to continue it, as if its a duty, and i dont want my parents to die with their last thoughts being disappointment. i can see it in my dads eyes already, the sadness. he wants to play with his grandchildren, but he has none, and all his friends shows off their grandkids. similarly with me, i see people i went to school with, and ex-colleagues i used to work with...they all have kids and a house of their own and a car. i have none of that. i stand NO chance buying a house of my own as i simply can't afford it, and renting will be throwing my money away living on other peoples crap. i said to my parents i want to inherit this home when they go, because my memories are here. my history. our family memories. my happy childhood memories, growing up, the birthdays, playing with my brother, my parents, the fun times growing up, coming back from school, doing homework, watching football together on the TV in the 90s, our first pc, all of it. all of these amazing experiences back then, i love to go through again, but this time with my own kids, seeing them grow up, playing with toys, drawing, having a first pet, etc...to navigate life with them as a father, and teaching them what i believe is required to be a good person.
before you say it, i'm not just doing it for my parents. i want a family for myself. i feel if i failed to have children, failed to find someone who loves me, failed to have any friends, failed to have had any influence or imprint on the world nomatter how small - i actually feel i'm not part of this world. to quote ellie from the last of us, my life would not have 'fkn mattered'. its as if i am a 'watcher', if that makes sense, not part of the fabric of this world and civilisation. watching it all from a window. that'll lead me to questions like why i am i here, leading to a probable, and painful, full-on existential crisis. when its my parents' time, when they grow old and die, and if i'm left all alone, i dont think i'd want to live anymore. i'm praying to find something. of course, i know i have to DO something, but my mind draws a blank. i cant ignore what my body is telling me anymore. but then, i step outside the house, and i dont know what to do, socially. when i approach someone, i get anxiety attacks. in my town, people are aggressive - its also possible if i approach a woman here i might end up getting assaulted, shouted at or shamed. sometimes theres no place to really go as i live in a small town. and as you get older, its harder to make friends, as people already have their established circles. i even remember my ex-manager talking to colleagues about this when we had a drink once and she asked 'how do you meet people' even though shes in her 50s and has established family and friends - indeed. how, for those who do not.
for coping, some people elsewhere suggested exercising. this is something i tend to do, but perhaps not enough of. i like to go on walks. theres a public park where i go and feed the ducks. seeing animals makes me happy. when the baby ducks swim to me wanting the kibble food it makes me feel wanted. i love animals. from dogs, cats and ducks - to even wild animals like the tigers i saw in india. i also did some hiking holidays, including going through some american national parks like yosemite, where i saw a family of bears at a distance. travelling is something i like to do too - in fact, i have more 'big' holidays coming up in usa again (alaska this summer), then australia, europe (croatia), the canadian rockies and maybe south america. i do these trips to get that out-of-body, 'blown away' feeling, of being thrilled, alive, and enjoying and experiencing life. it does help. but travelling is expensive. i'm not made of money.
all i want, is my own family..

Little bit of a rant here but no one in my current life understands how complicated eating disorders are. A few years ago when I started college during Covid, I felt disgusted with my body and started starving myself. My family practically cheered me on for losing weight and getting slim (I really wasn’t even big to begin with). I changed my hair and makeup and people started complimenting me more which never happened in the past. Of course this egged me on to keep starving myself to stay “pretty”. Flash forward a few years of recovery and relapse to today where I’m at a point in my life being an adult on my own has taken a higher priority than obsessing over food. At least that’s how at was until recently it’s like all of those feelings of food obsession and hating myself for eating have come back and are taking over my mind. I tried talking to my close friend about it but she just brushes it off and says I’m skinny so my feelings are invalid. When I look in the mirror it’s like I see the ugliest person alive because I’m not as thin as I used to be during the peak of my ed. It tears my mind in half between wanting to relapse or shoving food in my mouth. Does anyone else struggle with these feelings post recovery? I want to be healthy the right way and start working out but my mental health is crazy right now and prevents me from wanting to do anything.

Hi, folks!
I've thought about joining for a bit of time and I've finally got around to do so. Sorry for my english just in case - might get rough at some points.
I've been struggling with depression for... now nearly half of my life. Sometimes it was stable, sometimes worse, sometimes absolutely terrible. I've started gaining weight some time before finishing high school and then really took off after leaving the family house. I've quickly learned that "bad food makes happy" and I went overboard with it, kilogram after kilogram.
Over the years, I've tried to lose weight many times - always with a lot of hope, always with cutting something out (food I liked, snacks etc.) and exercising. Never managed to actually stick to it - at some point I always let myself take a day off, 2 days off and hey - I was back where I started... and getting worse, fatter, heavier. Mental health dropping, s***idal thoughts creeping in time and time again.
Around the end of 2022 and first half of 2023 I was at the lowest point of my life up to that point. And I thought "it's now or never", but also "hey, how about we just stop trying? Let's just eat shitty food until it kills us - at least we can die happy, since we don't have enought courage to actively take our life away". So it continued, even though I had all the reasons to give it a go - once again, no amount of hope, no amount of logic, no amount of seeing myself as a blob of fat helped get me moving.
I'm sure it's gonna sound cheesy, but it's not going to be what you think, I swear. Around the second half of 2023 I've fallen in love. Badly. For the first time in years. It progressed, as I was getting fatter and fatter, more reluctant to leave my apartment even for the most basic needs. Thing is - it was and is somebody completely out of my reach and somebody I'm not even allowed to think about this way, you know.
And this year, I broke. Remember taht "lowest point" from 2023? I got to an even lower one around the last week of April. To the point, where there was just no escape from intrusive thoughts - no way to ignore my problems. Suddenly TV shows and games stopped working. Social media stopped working. Shitty food stopped working - I was suddenly cut away from what always helped me take the edge off and escape.
And one day, a few weeks ago, it got to the point where I couldn't live. Literally couldn't. I was becoming obsessed with how strongly I feel about somebody and how much I'd have liked to just stop, since those thoughts were hurting me in the long run. And I don't know - out of sheer desperation maybe - I've started to train one day. Some pushups with terrible form, some crunches, situps and a stationary bike. And hey, wtf - it helped me a bit. I've found that "little happiness", normally supplied by food in something that never gave me any (no exercies were pleasant in any way ever for me).
I kept doing this and I'm still doing this. Every single day for 3 weeks now. I'm noting the progress, trying to break my own records, visualizing good things. I'm still mad in some unwanted, not needed, not deserved at least love, but when it's getting really bad, exercises help me get myself together.
It's weird to me, it's scary. Well, life is, always was. But there's some hope, just a little, tiny bit. I've even made a bucket list, even though I never believed in stuff like that. Even went back to doing new things - like new shows at least, not only stupid social media or reaction videos. A way ahead of me - if I can even make it - is terribly long. And along the way - who is to say, if one day exercies stop saving my head? I mean, fastfood stopped at some point, right?
I'm not really sure what my point is, it's all a mess, guys. I just... want to get myself a bit stronger, a bit tougher. Getting my life a bit better, my psyche too, my body and condition. And I kinda feel like I need to, because my own emotions are going to be the death of my one day. I guess I'm a bit scared to be hopeful. And I'm terrified of learning about the person I love getting further away from me too. Because I believe, the way I am now - still undisciplined, still depressed, still unstable - I can't survive learning that this person gets married, becomes a parent or just builds a future with someone. I'm ashamed of that and yet this is what I feel amid my current good streak.
I will be checking my weight tomorrow - for the first time since I've started exercising. I hope there's even the tiniest good change. And I hope to regain the will to live. And to stop fantasizing about people who're too above me.
Thank you for reading this, whoever you are. I hope you're getting there - wherever you're trying to get.

Finding's after CT ABD+PEL W CON:
IMPRESSION: 18 x 13 x 11 mm lobulated soft tissue nodule in the right lower quadrant small bowel mesentery. Although this most likely represents a reactive mesenteric lymph node, an early mesenteric carcinoid cannot be excluded. Lab tests to rule out carcinoid tumor, described above are suggested including urine collection for 5-H IAA measurement
FINDINGS: LOWER CHEST: No pleural effusion or pericardial effusion is identified. Lung bases are clear. ABDOMEN/PELVIS: HEPATOBILIARY: No focal hepatic lesions are demonstrated. The gallbladder appears unremarkable.There is no evidence of significant biliary dilatation.
SPLEEN AND RETROPERITONEUM:The spleen is normal in size. No focal splenic masses are demonstrated.The pancreas appears normal without evidence of mass or inflammation.No adrenal masses are demonstrated.In the distal small bowel mesentery near the ileocecal artery and vein there is a small lobulated soft tissue lesion measuring 18 mm transverse dimension with a craniocaudal dimension of 12.6 mm and an anteroposterior dimension of 10.9 mm. Differential diagnosis includes an enlarged mesenteric lymph node (most likely) or small mesenteric carcinoid (less likely) . In favor of an enlarged lymph node is the presence of other scattered mildly prominent lymph nodes in the small bowel mesentery. This does not have the appearance of mesenteric adenitis but could simply represent reactive mesenteric lymph nodes to a current gastrointestinal illness. I recommend performance of lab tests for detection of serotonin, chromogranin A and urinary 5-HIAA to exclude carcinoid or other neuroendocrine tumor. Additionally, a follow-up CT the abdomen and pelvis in 3-6 months is suggested to determine if this soft tissue lesion remains present or regresses in the interval. Spontaneous regression would indicate a benign reactive lymph node.
The inferior vena cava is unremarkable. The aorta is normal in caliber. BOWEL AND PERITONEUM: There is no evidence of abnormal bowel dilatation or bowel wall thickening. There is no evidence of significant free fluid or free intraperitoneal air. The appendix is normal. PELVIS:The bladder appears unremarkable. No pelvic masses or abnormal fluid collections are demonstrated. No pelvic or inguinal adenopathy is evident. MUSCULOSKELETAL AND EXTRA-ABDOMINAL SOFT TISSUES: Within normal limits for age.
I'm 32M (Just turned 32 yesterday actually).
I know this is a lot but it's been quite the year for me:
I had an awful bout of covid in March/April and actually had to go to the ER (had scans because my lungs, chest and ribs were killing me) - they were all clear and then a covid test came back positive. Also had awful coughing fits almost constantly for over a week.
Then in late April (around the 24th) I had a chunk of a rotted molar fall out (wasn't able to financially take care of a cavity previously), went to the dentist and was put on a round of antibiotics for infection (3x a day for 7 days) - bad fatigue /brain fog started around this time and was only recently getting a little better. Had that tooth pulled on May 3rd + and am over a few weeks in recovery at this point.
Saw doc for checkup back in January and had elevated/high blood pressure (which runs in my family). At this point I was 214lbs and eating awful everyday...I'm talking fast food, ice cream daily, junk food, no veggies, etc.
Immediately overhauled my diet (which looking back I don't think was a good idea - should have eased into things) and went from a sedentary lifestyle to eating lots of vegan options + exercising almost daily. Started drinking way more water. Dropped down to 186-189lbs in about 3 1/2 months.
Saw doc a few days ago and was down to 172lbs - give or take a few pounds (42 days after last weight check). I am now trying to course correct a little and up my calorie intake because I don't think I've been getting proper nutrition (enough protein specifically + calories per day). Still physically active.
I got the CT scan in the first place because of off and on pain I've had since Covid19 (on the opposite side of where the nodule was found mind you)
I have a family history of Crohn's disease (mom said at least 6 people) and IBS/gut issues (my mom and grandma and several aunts) - immediate family is on meds for their issues. We also all have hemorrhoids.
Also had a colonoscopy when I was 15 because of tummy issues I was having
I have no symptoms like bloody stool, vomiting, diarrhea
Except now I'm extremely anxious (diagnosed anxiety disorder) so that's for sure effecting my stomach. Also haven't slept much the past few days.
I just wanna know if anything I've experienced this year could explain this..and also a better understanding of the findings. It appears the surrounding organs and everything else is fine. I think?
Trying not to google too much. I'm making an appointment with Oncology tomorrow

Ive been in recovery for about a month after years of restrictive eating behaviours (which had progressively worsened as ive became more uw, parents and friends noticing, etc. I was basically forced to recover.)
Every friday i meet with my dietitian specializing in eating disorders, she checks my weight, and speaks to my mom about how my recovery is going. (Im mute and way too shy to the point where even writing down on a notepad to her makes me panic.)
For the first 10 days of recovery, I was put on a re-feeding meal plan.
After that, I was put into fbt. For the 3 weeks after it's been relatively the same foods with only slightly increasing volume.
Although, my weight gain has progressively slowed down to the point where my dietitian has told me that im not gaining enough weekly and need to increase my food intake either calorically or volume wise.
Not only is my ed voice freaking out, but my stomach too! I feel so nauseous by lunchtime!! I manage to finish my dinner (with a sore head, sweating, unable to move because im so full), but then i realise I'm going to have to eat toast for supper before bed and i want to bang my head on a wall.
Im doing even small things like swapping out semi-skimmed milk for full-fat, using cheese spread on my sandwiches instead of margarine. Everything just feels so heavy, Im unable to have a good nights sleep because of just how full i feel! Does anyone have any advice??

I think I’ve finally found a way to have the occasional deep fried food at home and not have to do more than guess and compare to restaurant food.
I use a Fry Daddy, my digital food scale and paper towel.
I weigh my Fry Daddy with cold oil on my digital scale (in grams) before I start cooking. I weigh the paper towel (in grams) where I drain the excess oil after removing the food from the deep fryer.
I fry my food and drain on the paper towel, eat and enjoy.
After oil has cooled I weigh the Fry Daddy again and subtract the post cooking weight from pre-cooking weight. I do the same for the paper towel.
The net difference from the Fry Daddy MINUS the negative difference of the paper towel gives you a pretty close accounting of how many grams of oil you consumed which you assign points.
For example:
Fry Daddy with cold oil pre-cooking = 2150g Fry Daddy with cold oil post-cooking =2125g Difference 25g
Paper towel pre-cooking = 3g Paper towel post-cooking = 6g Difference -3
Total oil consumed 25g - 3 = 22g or 7 points for vegetable oil.

You never know the pull of a small town until you trade your entire life to live in one.
Dazzling city lights made way for grassy fields blanketed in soft sunsets, local papers filled with names I knew by heart. When the honeyed hair of the local florist came out in patches due to the stresses of life, sixty people brought steaming bowls of food to ease the ache. A singular church brought the townsfolk together, and perhaps that was the most foreign part of it all to me.
I was a kid, so I watched the entire thing unfold through the innocent lens of child, keenly watching the camaraderie of this town really peak outside the doors of that church. It didn’t look like much, a steepled dream imagined by the townsfolk of before, but it meant everything to the people. I even understood that back then, even though I didn’t quite buy the concept of a god yet.
The Sundays were a monotonous part of our week, only pedalled by my parents who desperately wanted to fit in with the town’s culture. They wore their masks well, nodding in the right places as we sat in the same pew every time, my father often discreetly checking the football scores in the sleeve of his jumper. Nothing ever happened in that tiny town, and then everything happened all at once.
It started with the miracles. Our pastor, Pastor Jon, liked to have the troubled souls of that week sitting in the front row so he could clutch their shaking hands one by one, channelling the energy of God through him in the hope that someday, hope could be brought to those lacking in it. It was a brief affair, usually just the joining of skin and a short prayer, but that Sunday was different. Rain hammered against the roof, leaving Pastor Jon’s prayers lost in the low, threatening rumble of thunder.
It meant when the sun shone through the clouds and caressed the face of a pained Wilson Brewster, it already felt a welcome intrusion.
“May your broken leg heal quickly,” Pastor Jon smiled warmly, steeling a hand on the calf of the waiting boy.
He, like me, was just a child. He didn’t feel the urgency of the situation, he was probably only grateful his throbbing leg wasn’t pulsating with pain anymore. He breathed a quiet ‘cool’ and that would have been that, had his parents not asked exactly what was cool about his leg being touched later that night. The news spread like wildfire - as per the medical centre, his parents said, Wilson Brewster no longer had a broken fibula.
There was some debate, of course. My parents mumbled in the kitchen about how clearly he’d never had a broken leg, and how odd to make him hobble around in a cast if that was the case. The sentiment was echoed tenfold, until something a little more tangible happened that changed the course of that town, and our lives, forever.
Pastor Jon didn’t mean for the glass to shatter in his hand during service, nor did he mean for a chunk of it to embed itself in his palm, gushing reams of blood racing down his arm in a bid for the floor.
“Gross!” one of the kids shouted with glee, the rest of us paling as crimson spilled from his wound. He was a deer in the headlights, utterly unprepared as we all looked on in awe. This was not how church usually went - this was quite the deviation. Several people stood to help, but they needn’t have bothered, because the divine was ready to intervene.
“Oh dear,” Pastor Jon muttered in a panic, using his bloodied hand to block the intense ray of sunlight threatening to stream through the glass into his eyes. It bathed the blood in a golden glow, and quicker than it had gone in, the chunk of glass began to slide from the wound till it smashed to the floor, exploding into a million pieces. That was not the crescendo, though, rather it was the sight of his skin tightening and knitting together - months of work in a moment - blood congealing and leaving behind nothing but memories of a wound.
“Pastor?” Mary-who-makes-the-blueberry-pies breathed, reaching out to touch him with bulging eyes. Pastor Jon could only open and close his mouth uselessly, his voice barely coming out in a whisper when he did finally speak.
“It’s a miracle,” he wheezed, and by all accounts, I suppose it seemed it was.
I was young, but I remember the bustle - the town was as I’d never seen it. The people of the church had vowed to keep it our little secret because, as Pastor Jon said, we had been given a gift and it was not appropriate to turn it into a spectacle. This gift was sporadic, though. People queued through the double doors of that church, sobbing and praying for their own slice of God, but few were to be given it. Little Laurie Lee and her dislocated jaw cleared up within the hour. Farmer Noel had a sudden epiphany about what the lottery numbers were to be.
Our town was blessed.
For two days, we marvelled. The rest of the world can have a piece later, we reasoned, but this was for us, just for now.
The church was fuller than it had ever been, people spilling out into the back and waiting with baited breath, snippets of conversations could be heard, and as they had been for the last two days, they all echoed one another.
“-a believer. I mean, Aunt Lillian said it was the light. The light closed up his wound, there and then!”
“-jaw. I saw her get hit with the cricket bat! Terrible thing, little lamb was inconsolable. And then next thing I know, she comes here and those shards are just welded back together again! Well, I told Janie-”
“-need to make the church bigger. Look at everyone! If only-”
So when Pastor Jon stood before us practically trembling with glee, it was hardly the weirdest thing that had happened all week. His voice was thick with emotion, eyes darting manically around our congregation.
“I have a message,” he breathed, and the crowd gasped at the connotation of it. I remember my father swearing, a low rumble of expletives I didn’t usually hear falling from his lips. I didn’t fully understand what this meant, but the atmosphere in that room morphed in a heartbeat.
“Tell us,” Christie Baker cried, hands clasped as tears welled in her eyes, “Oh, please tell us!”
Pastor Jon visibly shook, holding a trembling hand outstretched as if to reach us all. “He came to me last night,” a single tear raced past his cheek and made a home on his lip, “He spoke to me.”
“Praise God!” a man cried from next to me, and I shuffled closer to my father at the sudden burst of noise.
“It is… Him,” Pastor Jon uttered in a blissful exhale, sending the room bursting into chaos. Tears, cheers and prayers filled the space, but my father just clutched me tighter and my stomach churned uncomfortably. It took at least ten minutes for the room to quieten, but when it did, he had their rapt attention. “I am told that I will be His vessel. I will pass on what must be passed. We are not to spread the word, yet - only our pocket of civilization is ready. Only ours.”
You could replicate what happened a thousand times, and somebody would mess it up, sending a message of the divine to their great aunt in Auckland. But not us. That secret stayed within the confines of our town for the sixteen days hell shined upwards at us. Everybody had a thousand questions, but Pastor Jon only hushed us. “You must trust me,” he said, tone more regal than I’d ever heard it. And trust him the people did.
So on the second day when he returned to church and his eyes were dark-rimmed, nobody questioned it. He was chosen. Who knows what that does to a person’s sleep cycle? The following day when he went for his morning walk and the smile didn’t quite reach his hollow eyes, that was fine. He was a vessel, not a performer. And then that morning at church when he addressed us and kept rubbing the angry red welts on his wrists, who were we to ask questions of God’s messenger?
Nothing went terribly wrong until the baptisms. We all wanted to be part of this - even my anxious parents who signed me up to be bathed in holy water - and so we queued towards the front of the church, eager to hand ourselves over. I was second in line, right behind Mrs Awkins who had been the school nurse for the last 26 years, apparently. She was gleeful as Pastor Jon set up, speaking rhymes I barely listened to as I bounced on the balls of my feet, eager to go next. My stomach flipped at the words, knowing that my turn was only seconds away. People wouldn’t usually queue, but this was different. It was all different, now.
“I baptize you in the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.”
I didn’t expect the awful fizzing noise the liquid made as it hit Nurse Awkins’ head, nor did I expect the guttural wail that fell from her lips as she clawed at her own scalp. Smoke billowed up from her disappearing tresses and as I was yanked backwards, I caught a glimpse of her exposed skull. Most people will go their entire lives without the smell of burning flesh lingering in their nostrils, but not me.
“I- No! That wasn’t- oh!” Pastor Jon had cried, tired eyes bulging out of his head as people leapt to their feet to assist.
It was carnage, but not carnage I witnessed for long. My mother’s grip on my arm was vice-like, her eyes swimming with terror I know still plagues her to this day. I recall my father on the walk home, murmuring to my mother in low tones I wasn’t meant to hear.
“This isn’t right, Rach’. Jesus, did you see her? That was almost our son!”
My mum’s voice was shrill, the sound of her heels clacking against the pavement not quite masking her voice. “The police will be called - we don’t even know if she’ll survive! I think I’m going to throw up.”
But she was wrong on both counts. She didn’t throw up and the police weren’t called, because we rallied together. This was bigger than us and bigger than Mrs Awkins. Sure, nobody else tried to get baptised, but this was a blip. People surmised that the almighty didn’t want her as part of his flock, that she hadn’t been a believer when it mattered. Nobody was to utter a word about it, and because church was every morning now, my parents were almost too scared not to go. As a child, I didn’t understand it, but all these years later, I think I’d have bent to the fear of the almighty as well.
But it wasn’t the almighty who knocked on the door.
It became all the clearer that morning when Pastor Jon turned up with eyes so sunken and empty that we startled at his presence.
“Pastor.. Pastor, are you feeling alright?” one of our neighbours fussed, “Will you be okay for service?”
Pastor Jon didn’t answer. It was almost as though he didn’t hear her as he dragged his feet up to the front, turning so slowly towards us that it almost felt eerie. A large, jagged and bloodied cut spanned the entire back of his neck, disappearing behind him as he eyed us all, one by one.
“He’s here,” he murmured, words that on paper, should have sent the entire church reeling with joy. But you could hear a pin drop. You could hear any soul whisper in the large room, and yet his utterance only caused goosebumps to spread across my skin as a sort of icy stillness washed over me.
“He’s… here?” a woman in the front row asked, and Pastor Jon took too long to answer. An unnatural, slow smile spread across his face as he tilted his head towards the source of the noise. He didn’t respond, instead slowly lifting his hand to his lips, letting his finger linger there for a moment. When nobody spoke, he let his mouth fall open and began to chew loudly on the finger, drawing gasps from the crowd.
“Don’t look,” my mother shimmied closer to me and lifted a trembling hand to my eyes, but I could see through the cracks in her fingers. Pastor Jon continued to sloppily chew his finger, eventually snapping his head up and inhaling sharply as he spat blood out of his mouth.
“Your bodies are so fragile,” he sneered, lifting his dripping finger to the skies, causing several people to leap from their seats and make a bolt for it. My mother was one of them, and with horror, I watched as the Pastor’s eyes scanned the room and locked onto mine, tilting his head. “Stay,” he hissed with bared, bloody teeth, and we did. Not through choice, but rather, a sickening whoosh of air that skimmed past our faces and forced us all back down.
“What’s going on?” someone shrieked, but we weren’t to know, not really.
Pastor Jon only smiled blissfully, reaching his arms outwards as if to accept us. “I’ve come to bless you all,” he whispered mockingly, fingers outstretched as the sun hit the stained glass to the left of him. But it was all wrong. Sunshine streamed in and as it hit the red of a decorated sunrise, an image which had been there years before us, the colour changed. It was only moments until the church had the appearance of being bathed in blood, shimmering red bouncing off every surface to create the illusion we were all swimming in hell.
Nobody spoke.
Those who didn’t quite make it to the doors stood frozen; we who remained in our seats cowered in the heaviest kind of fear. Red drowned us and we clutched one another, eyeing Pastor Jon as though he were a wild animal. Finally, someone dared speak.
“Where is God?” he murmured, eyes swimming. Pastor Jon’s neck snapped towards him as he licked the blood from his finger, shuddering. When he spoke, his words were cold, distant. As though they were from somewhere else entirely.
“He hasn’t been around for a while.”
There was no time for his words to punch at my stomach, because in no time at all Pastor Jon was crumpled on the floor, wailing as he regarded his chewed, bloody finger. The bone was exposed and yet nobody helped him as he looked at us pleadingly, too many eyes on him as his whimpers turned to whispers. When he spoke, we listened.
“You need to keep coming to church,” he breathed, a single, bloody tear trickling down his cheek, “It will be worse if we don’t.”
So we did.
The Sunday Fair was cancelled, and pies that had been baked to share in sunny gardens went stale and grew mould. People packed duffel bags and made for their cars, arguing fiercely with those who decided to stay. My mother and father disagreed, but their argument was far more muted.
“Please, we have to go,” my father pleaded, shaking his head as I watched from the shadows, “Listen, I don’t know what the fuck that was-”
“I can’t explain it,” her voice was shaken, quiet, “But I know it will be worse if we go. I know it. Please just trust me. Trust Jon.”
So as my father always did, he believed in my mother. Each day in church was torturous, everyone sitting rigid with fear as Pastor Jon read slowly and shakily from the bible, bruises littering his gaunt body. When the holy book in his hands would launch into flames, he’d calmly drop it into the bucket of water he’d prepared and retrieve a new one. One time, every window in the church smashed and we all winced, ducking to avoid the onslaught of glass.
Darkness watched us.
We all felt it, and I know it visited members of the flock in the shadows. I was plagued by it one particularly torturous night as I lay in bed, blanketed in darkness with the covers pulled up to my chin. I hadn’t been able to shake the feeling I was being stared upon, squeezing my eyes shut as laboured, wet breaths left my body. But they weren’t my breaths.
I’d realised it straight away, that my hurried gasps for air didn’t match the gargling, strangled heaving that echoed around my head. From under the covers, I didn’t know much, but I knew one thing - the uncomfortable, heavy presence laying on my legs was my only source of comfort. Through all this, I reasoned, that if my beloved dog was with me, hell itself couldn’t come and claim me.
But I was wrong, because outside, my dog howled into the night.
Terror like that wasn’t something I’d felt before, and as my stomach bottomed out, I stopped breathing altogether. It must have sensed my fear, because those gargling breaths heaved closer and closer to my face as it dragged itself up my body, inch by inch. The smell of rot and ash burned into my nostrils, a horrific weight settling above my nose as my lungs started working again, so quickly that I would surely die then and there. If it had a face, it was twisted and pressed into mine, the thin bedcover my only source of protection.
But I couldn’t scream. I couldn’t move, so I let it pant gravelly air into my face, let it lay on top of me for hour after hour, till the birdsong indicated morning had come. All night I sobbed stifled cries, chest shaking as I squeezed my eyes shut and felt it pressing into me. Felt it hating me, felt it wanting to rip its claws into my stomach and pull out my intestines. But it didn’t. And when I awoke late the next morning - I must have passed out through fear alone - it was gone.
The rest is all a bit of a trauma-soaked blur, to be honest. I know my parents couldn’t understand why I wasn’t speaking the next day, why I barely reacted when evil finally descended that morning at church. The rest of the townsfolk screamed for their lives, ran as fast as they could, but I just stared with a hollow, broken gaze. As the rivers of blood waterfalled down between the pews, I watched Pastor Jon’s eyes grow dark as midnight, empty and soulless as he bellowed inside those four walls and called upon something worse than any of us could likely ever imagine.
I recall the fire starting, remember Pastor Jon’s slack jaw as he regarded us all so horribly, moving jaggedly towards my family with a growing demonic, gleeful grin.
“I remember you from last night,” he’d uttered darkly, but his voice came out in a thousand jarring layers and I could see hell in his eyes.
“Leave us alone!” my father tried to shield us, lifting a crucifix and wielding it towards Pastor Jon as though it would protect us. He simply laughed, an awful noise of horrific dissonance that I still sometimes hear alone in my bed at night. In complete horror, my parents could only watch as this thing wrenched the crucifix from my father’s hand, grinning as his jaw split and shattered each second he opened it impossibly wider. The sound of his bones cracking reverberated as his skin split and his mouth gaped, wide enough to drop the crucifix right into his waiting, blood-soaked mouth and swallow it, right in front of us.
When he met our gaze, his broken jaw hung limply from his face, sad morsels of skin stitching a once-good man together. Whatever blur those hours were, that, I remember.
It was an anti-climax, really, because while I expected him to descend upon us all and rip us into thousands of pieces, he simply boomed his words, jaw still hanging as his evil spoke directly into our souls.
“When I return in 20 years, it is not just your small town that will bleed.”
Pastor Jon has been missing for 20 years. I’m not sure when he started his countdown, but I awoke this morning with a dread so sickening that I’ve barely stopped emptying my stomach. If it’s over and the earth turns to rubble, I hope somebody finds this and can at least piece together why it all came to a sad, premature end. We townsfolk kept our vow of quiet for this long, but there comes a point when silence is deadly.
I think today, Pastor Jon will be found.

Hi, folks!
I've thought about joining for a bit of time and I've finally got around to do so. Sorry for my english just in case - might get rough at some points.
I've been struggling with depression for... now nearly half of my life. Sometimes it was stable, sometimes worse, sometimes absolutely terrible. I've started gaining weight some time before finishing high school and then really took off after leaving the family house. I've quickly learned that "bad food makes happy" and I went overboard with it, kilogram after kilogram.
Over the years, I've tried to lose weight many times - always with a lot of hope, always with cutting something out (food I liked, snacks etc.) and exercising. Never managed to actually stick to it - at some point I always let myself take a day off, 2 days off and hey - I was back where I started... and getting worse, fatter, heavier. Mental health dropping, s***idal thoughts creeping in time and time again.
Around the end of 2022 and first half of 2023 I was at the lowest point of my life up to that point. And I thought "it's now or never", but also "hey, how about we just stop trying? Let's just eat shitty food until it kills us - at least we can die happy, since we don't have enought courage to actively take our life away". So it continued, even though I had all the reasons to give it a go - once again, no amount of hope, no amount of logic, no amount of seeing myself as a blob of fat helped get me moving.
I'm sure it's gonna sound cheesy, but it's not going to be what you think, I swear. Around the second half of 2023 I've fallen in love. Badly. For the first time in years. It progressed, as I was getting fatter and fatter, more reluctant to leave my apartment even for the most basic needs. Thing is - it was and is somebody completely out of my reach and somebody I'm not even allowed to think about this way, you know.
And this year, I broke. Remember taht "lowest point" from 2023? I got to an even lower one around the last week of April. To the point, where there was just no escape from intrusive thoughts - no way to ignore my problems. Suddenly TV shows and games stopped working. Social media stopped working. Shitty food stopped working - I was suddenly cut away from what always helped me take the edge off and escape.
And one day, a few weeks ago, it got to the point where I couldn't live. Literally couldn't. I was becoming obsessed with how strongly I feel about somebody and how much I'd have liked to just stop, since those thoughts were hurting me in the long run. And I don't know - out of sheer desperation maybe - I've started to train one day. Some pushups with terrible form, some crunches, situps and a stationary bike. And hey, wtf - it helped me a bit. I've found that "little happiness", normally supplied by food in something that never gave me any (no exercies were pleasant in any way ever for me).
I kept doing this and I'm still doing this. Every single day for 3 weeks now. I'm noting the progress, trying to break my own records, visualizing good things. I'm still mad in some unwanted, not needed, not deserved at least love, but when it's getting really bad, exercises help me get myself together.
It's weird to me, it's scary. Well, life is, always was. But there's some hope, just a little, tiny bit. I've even made a bucket list, even though I never believed in stuff like that. Even went back to doing new things - like new shows at least, not only stupid social media or reaction videos. A way ahead of me - if I can even make it - is terribly long. And along the way - who is to say, if one day exercies stop saving my head? I mean, fastfood stopped at some point, right?
I'm not really sure what my point is, it's all a mess, guys. I just... want to get myself a bit stronger, a bit tougher. Getting my life a bit better, my psyche too, my body and condition. And I kinda feel like I need to, because my own emotions are going to be the death of my one day. I guess I'm a bit scared to be hopeful. And I'm terrified of learning about the person I love getting further away from me too. Because I believe, the way I am now - still undisciplined, still depressed, still unstable - I can't survive learning that this person gets married, becomes a parent or just builds a future with someone. I'm ashamed of that and yet this is what I feel amid my current good streak.
I will be checking my weight tomorrow - for the first time since I've started exercising. I hope there's even the tiniest good change. And I hope to regain the will to live. And to stop fantasizing about people who're too above me.
Thank you for reading this, whoever you are. I hope you're getting there - wherever you're trying to get.

(19M, 5'9 155 lbs.) Hi, this is gonna be a bit long, but let me explain the entire situation so far:
Going back about a year or so, I started noticing an elevated heart rate above what I usually would have. I have an apple watch that allows me to check my heart rate, and around this time I started to get notifications that my heart rate was above average (in the 120s to 130s range while resting as opposed to my normal 60-80 range). This happened a few times along with some very minor chest pain / tightness, however after laying down for a few hours / going to bed it would usually return to normal. Around the same time I got diagnosed with anxiety and ADHD and placed on an SSRI to help my anxiety after trying ADHD meds and not liking them. I never really had any incidents with high heart rate after that, so I had assumed it was just anxiety causing it (and that may still be the case). A few months went by and I ended up starting college and got myself a girlfriend. As I ended up finding out, SSRIs, while great, have the unfortunate side effect of erectile dysfunction, so I weaned off my meds so I could prioritize my love life. There were a few incidents after this where my heart rate was above average, but again I just chalked this up to anxiety, as it would usually go away on its own. At one point I went into my on campus doctor's office just to verify my heart was okay after an elevated heart rate the night before, and they gave me an EKG which came up clear. Months go by, and things are fine, besides a slight uptick in anxiety. Unfortunately however, my relationship began to crumble and my anxiety skyrocketed, and we eventually broke up, which led me to talking to my doctor and getting placed back on anxiety medication. However, I really didn't like how SSRI's impacted my libido, so after trying a few more SSRI's I was placed on Buspirone. I love Buspirone, and it's made a noticeable difference on my confidence / reducing anxiety. When I take my full dose at once (30 mg), I tend to get a bit dizzy / nauseous, however when split up into 10 mg taken at breakfast lunch and dinner I have no noticeable side effects. I will say (and I don't know if this is in any way important but I'm just naming everything possible), I have noticed that since stopping the SSRIs and starting Buspirone I tend to ejaculate VERY fast which is abnormal for me, and although I would like to fix that it is not my main concern. Moving on though, after about a month or two after being placed on Buspirone, we get to where my heart problems start. As someone who had never used any substances my entire life, leaving home and going to college gave me the freedom to try new things, and although I know it's not great, on weekends me and my friends will get together and drink or occasionally smoke weed / take an edible. I was worried at first about interactions with my medication, but after some research all anything online could tell me was that I may get drunk faster / more nauseous and dizzy, which wasn't too big of a deal for me. I had tried weed earlier in college and didn't like the way it made me feel, however after being placed on Buspirone I decided to try it again and actually enjoyed the feeling, so I started doing it more on the weekends as opposed to just drinking, which leads us to the incident. Me and some friends had just sat down to watch a movie, and all taken an edible. Time passed, and I started to notice that my heart rate was extremely elevated, way more than I was usually used to. I checked my heart rate, and found that my watch was displaying an average of 160 bpm. At first I thought I was just having a bad high and tried to calm myself. I laid on the floor and put some ice on my forehead, but nothing was helping. I checked my heart rate again and saw that my watch was displaying 190, which really freaked me out as that was way higher than I had ever seen before. I had my sober friend call Public Safety for me, and they came to my dorm room and did a basic check up on me. They said that I had a fever, and when they took my heart rate they got something in the 160s range. Their explanation was that my anxiety, when combined with being high and likely being sick made my heart rate elevated, which made sense at the time. I went into my college's health services to follow up the next day since my heart rate was still elevated (in the 120s-130s range), however they again told me it was probably just anxiety. A few days went by and my heart rate was STILL above average, so I decided to double check with my real doctor off campus. About a day before this I had also stopped taking my medication to see if it could be the cause for my elevated heart rate. The doctors took my vitals and immediately noticed that had very high blood pressure and an elevated heart rate, to the point where they sent in a second doctor to recheck my vitals and make sure it was correct. After talking to me and having me give a run down of my symptoms, they had me schedule an appointment with a cardiologist and told me that if I ever experience chest pain and a heart rate above 100 bpm that wouldn't go down to go to the hospital. I had also told them about how I stopped taking my medication and they told me that that was fine and to tell the cardiologist about it. About a week passes, and I have my cardiologist appointment in a few days. I had been up the night before working on my final exams, so I hadn't gotten much sleep, and besides a breakfast sandwich that I had for lunch I hadn't eaten much either. I had been experiencing chest pain all day, but I assumed it was being caused by my lack of sleep, so after classes I went and took a nap. After a few hours I woke up, and immediately noticed that I still had chest pain. I checked my apple watch, and my heart rate was displaying roughly 90-110 bpm while laying down, which on top of the chest pain made me worried since my doctor had told me that that was cause to go to the hospital. I called my parents to tell them about it, and they drove to the school and had me sit in the car and eat some food they had made to see if it would help at all. However, even after this, my heart rate was still above 100 bpm and I still had chest pain, so my mom made the call to bring me to the hospital. While on the way to the hospital, out of nowhere my heart rate increased to about 170-180 bpm, which freaked me out. We arrived at the hospital, and they immediately gave me an EKG to make sure I wasn't going to drop dead. During this time, I also was shaking a lot and couldn't make myself stop. Eventually they took me into a room and decided to run some tests on me. The tests they did are as follows: BASIC METABOLIC PANEL, CBC WITH DIFF, TROPONIN NH, D DIMER DEEP VEIN THROMB LEVEL, TSH REFLEX, X-RAY CHEST PA AND LATERAL, and ECG-12 LEAD. While I'm not a doctor, from what they told me and from what I can see, everything turned up pretty normal. My potassium was a smidge low, as well as my MCV and MPV, and my Monocyte (absolute) was a tad high, but generally nothing to worry about. The website where I'm viewing my test results display my ECG as abnormal and an attached document says I have left atrial enlargement as well as sinus tachycardia, but they only mentioned sinus tachycardia in the hospital so I assume that it was just the machine reading my test results and giving its own diagnosis. Long story short though, I left the hospital a few hours later, and although I still had a slightly elevated heart rate they said I was fine to go about life normally and to follow up with my cardiologist. Cut to the present, and I just met with my cardiologist a couple days ago. I gave him the general rundown of the above story (but didn't mention the edible as a precursor to the 190 bpm heartrate as my mom was in the next room over and the door was wide open), and after checking my vitals he told me that although I did have an elevated heart rate and high blood pressure, my chest pain probably wasn't a huge concern and that he wasn't too worried it was anything life threatening. He told me I could resume taking my meds (which I had temporarily replaced with ashwagandha supplements while I waited for the appointment and have since stopped taking), and had me wear a little device that monitored my heart rate for 24 hours, which I'm set to return in a couple days. He also told me that when I returned it he would check my results and give me an echocardiogram and go from there. So, with any luck, he should be able to figure things out then. However, I wanted to post this to see if anyone could help me get any ideas on what it could be that I could run by him to help speed things up. Oh and one last thing, if you can't think of anything in regards to what could be causing my elevated heart rate, I actually would like to know why I'm ejaculating so fast so I can fix it because its gotten to the point where I can't even enjoy masturbating because of how fast I cum.
In case I missed anything, here's a list of my symptoms (although I have no idea if they're all correlated):
- High heart rate (anywhere from 90-190 bpm)
- High blood pressure
- Chest pain / tightness on my left side and does not hurt more when I breath in / out (every now and then pain extends to my neck and shoulder)
- Frequently tired
- Insomnia (could be correlated with the above symptom lol)
- Get out of breath faster than usual
- Anxiety (already had this though)
- Mild depression (probably from my breakup)
- Lack of motivation (probably from my ADHD)
- Very rare and random spasms in my neck
- About 10 pounds weight loss in the past few months
- Headaches (could be from the meds)
- Sexual Dysfunction
- Minor rash under my eyes that’s been coming / going
- Eczema / rash flare ups past few months above my eyes, on my inner elbows, on my hands, and on my neck that I’ve been able to get rid of with a steroid cream
- Wrists, elbows, knees and ankles (although many joints in general) tend to bother me / crack a lot
- Glands under my neck are frequently swollen
- Rashes on the tops of my feet and toes
- Multiple gray / white hairs appearing in the last few months
- Probably something minor that I'm forgetting but if I can't think of it it probably isn't important (will update this list if new symptoms arise)
Brief family history:
- Grandma (moms side) has rheumatoid arthritis - Grandma (dads side) had multiple sclerosis - Great Grandma (moms side) had Alzheimer's - Aunt (moms side) has an undiagnosed heart problem - Aunt (moms side) has rheumatoid arthritis and Reynaud's, inconclusive testing for lupus - Aunt (dads side) has something? something to do with swelling of feet and ankles? not too sure - Mom had anemia
​
My personal theories (I'm not a doctor though so obviously not too sure): Autoimmune Disease + Dysautonomia: - From a list of symptoms, I have experienced all of the following at some point over the last month: Lightheaded when standing up, nausea, brain fog, fast heart rate, high blood pressure, changes in bowel movements over the course of the past few months (both constipation and diarrhea), fatigue, sexual dysfunction, chest pain and discomfort, shortness of breath, heart palpitations, sleeping problems, dizziness, sweating a lot, watery eyes, frequent headaches, changes in body temperature, drooling (when I sleep), mood swings, anxiety, and sensitivity to light. Based on this a potential theory could be an autoimmune disorder on top of a heart condition? Also explains the elevated monocyte (absolute) levels. Serotonin Syndrome: - I was doing research and discovered that Buspirone, when taken with other medication that increases serotonin, can cause serotonin syndrome. After another google search, I found out that weed can increase serotonin levels. The only hole in this theory is that I stopped taking Buspirone after the initial spike in heart rate / blood pressure but had no noticeable changes.
TLDR: I have a high heart rate and blood pressure and can't figure out why

You ma'am were my everything, from the moment I first saw you walking to my tow truck. I was in aww of you in that moment I was so hooked I can't explain it in any other way. I just needed to get to know the real you. Looking back I wish I could have slowed everything down a lot because we moved so fast. Opened the door for you and got you up into the truck. At first she was impressed I even would do that for her. She said it made her feel special and no one had ever done that for her. As I walked back to my door to get in time for me started to slow as I thought about a million things at once I was so drawn to her wanted everything for her and me to be amazing and guys, it really was great from my seat. She's absolutely gorgeous, sweet yet she's a pretty bad ass chick though. She's into heavy metal and rock over anything. She's my only ginger I've ever dated in my life. She's so beautiful, selfless when she knows u need something she is the first one to get it for you and she's an amazing cook, So incredibly sexy, and no matter what she broken and all was the only woman that I ever bought a real ring for wherever would and that red hair gets me now every time I find one around in my truck or my house. She loves to play with it as her nervous habit I used to say she was marking her territory jokingly but I loved watching her do it I love watching her play with it It was awesome to just be able to look over at her and see her sitting there was the greatest feeling in my life next to having my children and watching them be born. Seeing her smile was the most amazing thing I'd ever seen in my life That's what I lived for I lived for being silly with her and joking around and just having a good fucking time and spending that time with her no matter how much it was. I loved it always. Even when we fought I didn't ever stop loving her I did never stop caring about her obviously I was in it for us. Call me a wuss whatever you want I don't care I honestly have a thing with other people's hair it grosses me out when it is off the body so I'd have these piles of hair is have to immediately get out of the floor of my work truck when id open it for her to get her out of the truck lol it grossed me out but I didn't really care it was more funny that she was nervous cus we were so chill together. I quickly fell for this girl front the start and she was exactly what I said in the title. She's always going to be my blue little sundress passenger seat princess, the only women I've ever actually seen, planned, or dreamed of a future with and I've had longer relationship with kids even. But she has two sweet little girls that are amazing as well and I have become attatched to them as well throughout this 3 years. Especially because when her and I first met and went on our date I knew already that she was a mom of two but I hadn't met either one of them yet. Days after she was still with me and we spent every waking moment together in that truck. And we had a great time It just felt right. After that weekend was over we went to pick up her 3-month-old daughter. We had to go to the next town over and get her from her dad's house. As I got this little girl up into my truck put her car seat in the back of the tow truck I did what any normal person would do when meeting a baby for the first time. Started talking to her just to see her reaction to me. She was so sweet and so damn cute. She smiled so beautifully and was just so amazing it brought back all the memories for me having my kids. And that one really just cemented in the fact that I wanted to do this so much for my girl and I and for these kids cuz they were amazing. I spent my days just working away. Most the time with her by my side. There was times where yes we were not together 100% there's things she had to go do. Which was fine That's what we needed some time apart to miss each other cuz we did spend a lot of time together but honestly As long as we were there in my truck we were amazing together just hanging out while I was working spending time together and she said she loved watching me work. She loved how manly I smelled after and during a days work. Everything was great. So before her and I met I was always working and keeping to myself just trying to focus on myself but I lived in a hotel. So since her and I got hooked up together, we lived in my hotel which was not bad at all it was a fairly big hotel that offered reduced rates for long extended stays and they offered me a corporate discount. So it was fairly inexpensive as far as paying for the place but it was still extremely expensive compared to renting someplace. But it was by my own money because she had no income no job that I paid for everything. Literally everything. So as I worked 7 days a week and worked from time outta bed in the morning until well after midnight. I had no time to find our own place for cheaper living to start new direction for us. So she started searching for our own place to rent. Let's say we got distracted from that because of this damn drama that seemed to always be happening with her life. I'd always listen to what was going on with her and try to help. It's what I do in my everyday life I jump out of a truck when people are at their worst and it makes me feel a sense of joy because I get to get out of the damn truck like Superman get over to them and calm their life down a little bit slow it down for them when they're in their worst moments of the day and just take that weight off their shoulders. I get that fulfillment for my life that joy and it drives me to keep going That's the only reason I push through my days. I lived for it, soon after meeting her she became a big part of that meaning for me so much so I never even realized that it would end up costing me my career because I just couldn't do it anymore getting in that truck And as I open the door I see her there in the passenger seat with a flooded memory that comes rushing in and I get happy really quick like it's all real again and as soon as I sit down take my guys off that seat I look back over when it close the door cuz I'd always smile back at her when I got in the truck and she's not there and it breaks my heart every single time I experienced this so imagine getting in and out of that truck every day all day long and having to do that. I've been such an emotional wreck now that I literally had to go to my boss and quit my job because I couldn't safely do it and this was the job ladies and gentlemen that I prayed for at the end of our relationship I wasn't working hadn't been working for a few months because I just found out that I got cancer in my throat. So I got depressed I didn't know how to tell her my mom anybody being only 37 years old that I'm not going to be here that long Not as long as I thought so it started to destroy me and by this time in our relationship two and a half years in we had had several moves several little breakups but we'd always come back together and we always seemed great afterwards but then it always seemed like something would come up or she would lie or do something that I didn't like or that I wasn't approving of and every time I tried to talk to her about it she would just blow up at me and yeah there was lots of red flags I missed her out of a relationship I wish I could have done so many things different but stress and being what it is and everything you know I let my emotions get the best of me I let my my everything get the best of me every single time because as soon as she starts yelling it makes me louder and I just don't see anybody giving me that kind of a disrespectful stance especially when I'm trying to be calm I'm trying to just talk to them about it and then they blow up and makes me want to blow up right back So yeah my mistake but are honestly feel like it was just to cause me to do that so she could break up or we can break up and she can run away for a couple days and go get what she needed somewhere else and then come right back. That's what I feel like now. Don't know if it was all lie from delusional or what but everything I've read on here it all speaks to me so much that I honestly I really feel like I was lied to the entire time I was made to believe something that was never true This girl told me she loved me like 3 months in and I honestly felt it before that but I really think it was all just a facade now for her We found each other and we were broken pieces everywhere we started putting our lives together picking everything up putting ourselves back together and we felt more complete than anything is the way I saw our lives up until a year and a half into it though it was for me even with the little small breakups and stuff it was amazing It wouldn't trade it for the world soon as I found out I had cancer though guys It broke me I wasn't working I wasn't doing anything for myself and yeah that I regret I regret not just telling her right away because looking back now it may have helped but I doubt she would even cared She probably would have broke up with me then is how I feel now. But I never told her until almost 3 weeks after we broke up. The 17th of this month was my birthday my 38th birthday The day after is her 3-year-olds 3-year birthday. Which I didn't get to go to even though that little girl calls me dada loves me like there's no tomorrow and I love that little girl so so much she was like she was my daughter shortly after I found out I had cancer I was taking care of that little girl not working but taking care of her all day everyday for months in my house with her living here and my girlfriend living here while she worked. Then she's sitting here telling me griping at me that I need to get back working by about she can't be the only one working but then if I did that we wouldn't had a babysitter We would have nowhere for "Our daughter" She always insisted when I would say her daughter because she has a lot of hateful feelings towards her baby daddy. The other thing I forgot to mention is the fact that about 2 years into our relationship she went through a pretty major surgery for herself No one was there for her except for me I sat with her through the whole thing waited for her at the hospital I waited on her hand and foot at my place of living She laid in my bed took care of her gave her everything she needed and would do it again in a heartbeat The point is that I was there stood by her side took care of her in every way I needed to every way I could. In the first part of our relationship all the way through I'd say the first half She was always constantly wondering if I had eaten today or if I needed food or if I wanted her to cook me anything or I mean would she selflessly would do every single time she was happy to do it She loved doing it She loved being at the hotel and me coming home to a cooked meal how she would do it in her bra and underwear because just for shits and giggles you know She was the most sexually appetizing person I've been in with in my entire life number one and from day one of our relationship I never saw any other female on this planet My eyes never strayed not once they only saw her She was my everything. Fellas tell me when you fell in love If you ever felt the same because I know for me there was another woman on this planet that could ever even have compared to my woman she was so sexy so incredibly just mesmerizing for me and having her in my arms I felt complete I felt like a man I felt like I would move to heaven and earth for this woman and I was trying doing everything I could and it always just seemed like our little stupid spats and our bickering was so much more to her than it was to me because she would always end up leaving and going to her sisters. Her sister was and is so incredibly damaging for her mental state that I'm surprised that this woman has not killed herself yet She has no movement in her own life she's a stay-at-home girlfriend for her boyfriend of 16 15 16 years something like that and she is about a cow about 300 lb heifer that has always been jealous of anything the little sister gets that makes her happy that makes her have a better life than what big sister has then big sister has to sit there and destroy little sisters mental state just to bring her back down so she can feel good about her own self So anytime she ever went back there that's exactly what happened Big sister would just tear her down and break her down and it's just sick and that's where I think first mistake for us ever went was allowing her to move in there because as soon as she did seem like everything started going downhill and that's when I started finding things out about how much she was actually lying to me about stupid silly little things because her brother in-law and sister would talk to her about our relationship at night when they're all home together or whenever and they'd be giving her advice when these two are alcoholics they will not ever get married even though they've been together forever but this is just to not lose social security crap it's ridiculous there's a real fear of commitment between the two and a lot of damage between the two and it just fed right into my woman's head and I'm really truly believe it loud it her to be severely poisoned cuz she started turning into a completely different person but yet I still loved her like the day I first met her I still looked at her exactly the same I still do to this day even though she won't have anything to do with me for whatever reason I don't know I never got a reason but after everything we've been through I honestly felt like every time she made me promise never to leave her every time she made me the promise that she would never leave me no matter what blah blah blah I feel like it was all just a game to her now and a game to her family because my woman was the child that was traded off when things got too stressful for Mom she was the kid that was sent to the hospital to you know being the mental ward because it was just too tough for Mom to cope with having two kids and being as destroyed of a person as she is So of course that's led to a lot of emotional damages for my woman and for that entire family It's led to alcoholism and the other side of the family with her sister and her mom being best friends they hang out all day long and it's about the worst family situation you could think of but sadly she will still choose her family over anybody at the end of the day even though they don't choose her like that It breaks my heart to watch honestly the best thing she could do is cut them off from her life but there is a lot of times that she needed them there because she had no other option is what she felt instead of when we fought going there honestly alsoever wanted her to do is just calm down and instead of leaving stay here choose me over that bullshit fight choose me over the fucking nonsense of everything because at the end of the day none of it mattered to me I always forgave her for everything not because I wanted to be the doormat or because I allowed myself to be the doormat but because when I grew up I grew up in a Christian family That's what we do if we fight we work shit through I may not be the best Christian in the world but I know the values that I have in my family were not the same as hers they traded her off when times got tough they never showed her unconditional love so she doesn't even know how to unconditionally love her own children and it's really sad cuz honestly to this day I feel like that little girl would choose me over her own mother and that breaks my heart for her. I realize I've been rambling on for a while now but this one really doesn't sit right with me guys I've never had any issues with any breakup since this one and I know the mental state she was in when she made it and made this choice but the way she did it just recently after having promised her yet again and her promising me that we would never leave each other and to always fight for the relationship. She comes over about a 3 weeks ago we have sex been seen each other in a few days few days prior to that we went and took "our daughter" to her dentist appointment she had to be knocked out at and did great through who'd she want afterwards after she woke up me Not her mom just me to comfort her. So being the dad that I am of course I did that I gave her the comfort she needed we had a great day together but it was short-lived. My girl's been in such a bad spot mentally but she refused to talk to me about it I could never get her to open up and yes I did a lot of things wrong because I was always trying to fix her or trying to help her through it is how I see it She saw it as me trying to fix her and she said I don't need to be fixed. But I know I didn't see it that way and that may have been my mistake because she wasn't looking for advice or whatever on how to try to help her through it but she just wanted somebody to listen to her which I did I can repeat everything she's ever told me about an issue word for word I can almost predict in my head I can sit there and say okay what's she going to say. And then I can literally as she's saying it out loud I can pretty well determine already know what she's going to say while listening though just to make sure I don't miss anything It ends up being the same thing every time and it's always all about her family's issues and things going on between them. It's been this way for the last year and a half probably since she moved in there now just before this breakup she had been for a couple months looking for place for us to go cuz I want out of where I'm at now and she obviously wanted out of there and so she was supposedly looking for it for a place to go That was ours because I got a new job I sat here and prayed for a new job that I had applied for and they just weren't moving fast enough or something I guess because like 4 days before she broke up with me they called and I started working I was so happy I got back in that truck I was doing it for her for us for me for those girls everything was going the way I had invisioned it going. Then like I said two days go by she came over spend some time together We had a little quickie and then we went to her appointment with the psych doctor couple days later she breaks up with me This is how I wake up the next morning after being at work all night long in my tow truck to a text message and I'm blocked on everything every single social media outlet every everything that we had together online I'm just blocked. Knowing the mental state she was in I was like what the hell is going on now I got a short text message that said something like I can't do this anymore This is after going through her girl parts being taken out being with her the entire time waiting on her hand and foot this is after saving her daughter because her drunk ass sister drove home from their mothers house while watching the like 5-month-old baby at the time and ran the car into the fucking house in the middle of the night and we were both working shoot while she was watching her That's why she was watching her So of course I get a phone call she can't leave work and she's freaking out because her daughter was just in the car that just slammed into the house and did thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars worth of damage So what happens This guy goes and rescues the child and keeps the child with him the entire rest of my work night until mom gets off work there's lots of reasons that this woman has loved me completely and tried so hard and there's lots of reasons why I've loved her as completely as I could and tried so hard and tried getting back on track now I used her in those kids and myself to get me back to a point where I could even start to function again after finding out I had cancer and not knowing how to tell her or anybody and what hurts the most is the fact that she just gave up and just blindsided me with all of this if I feel like and it kills me but this is what I had to do because of her putting all her walls up and just stonewalling me with everything and knowing the fact that even on her Facebook she chose to not put family photos of us for up there but to put every other photo of that entire time together on there even ones that she had taken separately with just her and her girls making it look like nobody else was there the entire time She just failed to include the you know few pictures she took all of us. Which are now deleted off her phone obviously cuz she deleted everything of us together She always does that She always does it just deletes them because she never had any good memories as a child so she has an inability to just keep that stuff because it's painful to her now for some reason even if it was a happy memory She doesn't like those happy memories cuz those are painful that they're not going to happen anymore so she just erases everything and gets rid of it because it's easier for her while I'm not that type of person I'm a sentimental person I keep everything So of course when she goes gets her mind off track whatever I start to be sweet and send her you know our pictures together and things because I know she's already done deleted them which gets her nine times out of 10 and gets her right back to where she needs to be and realizing that I'm there for her that I I want her I choose her and I choose to do this together well not this time She completely stonewalled me wouldn't even respond to me for days and it was literally out of the blue So I'm freaking out because I'm thinking she's going to go hurt herself which she's tried to do a few times and she just reapped on all her medication the last time she tried to hurt herself that's what had happened She took all of her medication and thank God nothing happened but now she had you know six new bottles of pills which would have done it so I was scared for her life honestly. So I was literally just freaking out day after day night after night and all while having to work at night now with this new job in the truck that I was freaking out because I couldn't see her in my passenger seat anymore and then I was seeing her and then I was worrying about her and I was concentrating more on her than I was even able to do my job like I said I had to give it up even though I sat there and prayed for her prayed for myself to pray to get the job and it was literally a blessing because they created the position for me they didn't need to fill a position they created it for me I've been doing this job for well over 10 years of my career and I'm damn good at it Just not right now and so for the last month after everything that I found out everything that it's been said This is what I had to do guys and I I can't regret it I can't feel any type of way about it but I've been pushing and pushing and pushing on purpose because I know she's not coming back no matter what That's the way she feels but once I stop trying to fight for the relationship to fight for her and fight for those kids I know she's going to start to feel the feelings of losing me and it's going to start getting into her head so I knew if I stopped talking to her that's what would happen and she would try to slide right back into my life a month later whenever however it would happen she would come back eventually and I'm not going to be in a new place in my life where I would allow her to do that I can't So what I did was I pushed on purpose not only because she made me promise to do it but because I knew it's what needed to happen because I needed my mental state to be better and it's not right now I'm a wreck right now because of this woman because of losing this woman cuz I honestly felt like she's the one person on this planet that I would never let go. So my life is just turned into a fucking wreck on a wreck on a wreck because of her vindictive nature her mean-spirited bullshit when she gets mad She doesn't not have a filter so she uses her daughter against me how's it feel no that you'll never see "her daughter" ever again trying to dig into my heart and just cause more pain This is the type of stuff she would say to me That would just break me down to nothing. I've literally been in tears since the breakup and before that because I I think I kind of knew it was coming but I was just so depressed that I couldn't do anything I would cry every night even a month before we were broken up I would cry every night just cuz I missed her I missed her being next to me but that was her own fault that was her own doing She lied put words in my roommate's mouth that were never there and she couldn't apologize She could not be an adult and apologize to him and then it would have been fine She would have been a loud back at the house She would been able to come see me but she just is not the adult that I thought she was or that she used to be before when we first got together and and I don't understand what happened I can't see where it all just went so terribly wrong except for her moving in with her family. It has been the greatest experience of my life loving this woman but at the same time in the end it has been so destructive so I had to make sure that she would never come back So for the last month I've been pestering her coming at her yelling at her calling her all these names in the book and just destroying anything she ever had for me because I won't let her back into my life I can't cuz I know if I do it will be the death of me so I'm choosing me over the love of my life. The woman that I have lived for for this past three fucking years of my life given everything to worked my ass off so I could fucking just keep going the next day to provide what I could for us as a family mind you have paid for everything every waking moment for the first year and a half of our lives because she didn't have a job She didn't work so I paid for everything and that's everything we needed for the baby as well. That couldn't get bought with food stamps. Literally drained every bit of funds that I had saved up everything Just took me for a rollercoaster ride through hell but I chose me I choose me now And hopefully the apartment that she was finding for us the one that she supposedly went to Once she supposedly is at now I hope her I wish her all the best but I had to sit here and destroy any chances of ever being with the woman that I still to this day want because I know she comes back crawling back I knew that I would take her back in a heartbeat and I just can't do it so I had to get it done and over with for me for her for everybody because I won't be hurt like that I won't be disrespected like that I won't be turned into a monster because she tears me down with her hateful little remarks and digs into my heart that are totally unnecessary when I'm being everything I can try to be and be sweet for her She literally anytime I would try to be sweet would turn it into something it's not telling me I'm manipulating her telling me I'm doing this I'm doing that well okay so that's what I'll do That's what I thought and that's exactly what I did If I'm the monster let me know cuz I feel like it honestly but I know it's for the best. To my little blue sundress princess, the love of my life I'm Sorry I had to do what I did sweetheart I'll always love you no matter what babe Just can't have you walk back into my life and and destroy everything that I build from here on out because I'll end up killing myself and I don't want that to happen so this is goodbye even though I know you'll never read this. Just know that I see you everywhere in every place I go there's memories that flood back to me everyday that are amazing or that are bad or that are just that their memories they will fade eventually hopefully but for now they are still too real for me to just forget like seems like you want to do by going out there and supposedly live in your best life faking it just to make it for the rest of the world being that strong independent woman with that attitude exactly even though I know you're sad inside I know you just buried those feelings All the love you had for me and you're lying to yourself but that's on you now I tried I really really tried to get you to understand that that's where we were headed was the life we wanted so sorry I asked you to choose me and love me for me instead of love me for what I had or didn't have. I'm sorry I needed to do this or even felt like I needed to do this cuz I will always love you no matter what, But now my life is going to be for me and for me only for its remainder because you gave up the fight and I ended it.

The barrowlands were a vast expanse, unforgiving and empty. Hills undulated and rolled, carved by the winds and time and the hands of the First Men. Dust that had once been kings’ bones sat in the thousands of slopes that defined the landscape, their blatant artificiality only occasionally marred by collapses and uncontrolled treelines.
It was in one of these barrows that the Locke party had taken shelter. The edges of a spring storm had reached them, darkening the sky before its time and blanketing the land with misty rain.
The barrow was unmarked to their eyes, any runes long since worn away by time. Even Valena did not know to whom the tomb had belonged, and to Harwin’s mind, that meant nobody knew. Now, night had fallen in truth, and a small cookfire crackled fitfully, smoke curling out of the doorframe to be lost in the mist. Their meal was strips of salted venison, the finest gift of the Manderlys’ court, and a small celebration that they had set out on their way.
They had spent two weeks in White Harbour, in the end, and the memory left him glad to be free. Bella Woolfield was a busy woman, distracted and superior in equal measures. Harwin had felt exposed, especially when their hosts toasted the memory of Lord Barthogan and Marlon Locke.
Sylas sat against the far side of the dark barrow, eyes straining at that book he had brought from Oldcastle. He’d so far evaded any questions about it, and the well-worn leather binding gave little clue. The space was crowded by the rest of their retinue, quiet men intent on their food, tired from a day’s travel and disheartened by the weather. Only Valena seemed energised, scanning the roof of the barrow, a sketchbook open on her knees, charcoal staining her fingers as she scraped it across the pages.
“What are you drawing?” Harwin asked, finding her easiest to engage with. The question drew several pairs of eyes. Only three of their number weren’t present. Frenken was out checking on the horses, Jorah had insisted on standing guard, and Benjicot had not yet returned.
“Ceiling,” Valena said, pointing. “See how the way the stones are stacked makes an alternating pattern? Sort of back and forth here by the entrance? Spiralling in the burial chamber?”
Harwin nodded, though in truth it took him a moment to parse what she meant.
“That allows them to stack into an arch without mortar. The weight of the soil on top keeps everything tight, and it’ll more or less stand forever.”
“Why not build castles like that?”
“Because–” Valena flicked the stick of charcoal in that way that meant she had caught herself before giving an inadequate answer. She took a moment.
“They did build fortifications. I guess you wouldn’t call them castles, and honestly this all depends on which maester you read. In any case, though, it doesn’t scale. You couldn’t build something the size of the Wolf’s Den or Oldcastle like this.”
Harwin nodded. There was a fragility in expansion, he knew. He had seen some small glimpse of it in the pulls on Bella Woolfield’s time. So many things that could go wrong. It didn’t discourage him as much as it probably should have.
“Who goes there?” came a voice. In the muffling of the wind and the barrow, it took a moment for Harwin to identify Jorah. The voice that answered was too far away for Harwin to make out the words, but he knew its sound. He was on his feet before he knew it, striding out of the ancient tomb.
“Benji!” he called, grinning unexpectedly. The soaked knight smiled in return. One hand held the reins of his horse, the other rose in greeting. Harwin ran in, clasping a hand to Ser Benjicot’s shoulder.
“My lord, it’s good to see you again,” Benji said.
“And you - I was worried you would pass us by, in truth.” Harwin took the reins from him, and Benjicot hesitated only slightly at the unexpected courtesy.
“I did,” he admitted. “I passed by here, oh, four hours ago, when the storm was worse. I figured I must’ve missed you and turned back.”
“Glad you did, ser.” Harwin brought the horse over to the others, and thanked Frenken when he took a blanket from one of the carriages, throwing it over Benji’s steed and tying it down.
“How was your visit to White Harbour?” Benjicot asked, wiping the rain from his brow uselessly.
“Uneventful, in truth. We didn’t mean to stay so long, but the Woolfield-Manderlys were having a feast to celebrate a nameday. Insisted we stay.”
“Sounds luxurious, my lord.”
Harwin shrugged. “If I ever eat another lamprey pie, it will be too soon.”
Benjicot chuckled, and then made a little oh noise at the back of his throat, and fumbled for the saddlebags of his horse. “That reminds me, my lord. I have something you may enjoy, hold one moment-” Whatever he sought had been packed low, but eventually Benjicot pulled out a small satchel, opening it to reveal what initially seemed like so many mottled bones.
“King crab legs. Salted, from Sweetsister. Care to try one?”
He handed the leg over, and Harwin followed his lead as he split the shell with a press of his thumbs, pulling the pale meat out from within with his teeth. The meat was softer than he expected, sweetness mixing with the salt of its preservation. He made a satisfied grunt as he swallowed.
“Gods, that is good. Sweetsister, you said?”
“Aye, my lord.”
“I must visit some day. Is everything there that delicious?”
Benji chuckled. “I couldn’t say, honestly.”
“And this,” Harwin gestured to the food as Benjicot stowed it again, “should I take it as an indication your visit also went well?”
“I believe so, my lord.” Benjicot pulled a different, familiar satchel from the saddlebag, and gestured ahead of them in a question, shall we step out of earshot for this part? Harwin nodded, and they began walking in a wide orbit around the barrow. Harwin blinked into the mist, trying to clear the rain from his lashes to no avail. Benjicot took a moment before he spoke again.
“I wasn’t perfectly successful, my lord. The captains I spoke to were – I think understandably – mistrustful of an unproven town like Shackleton. Not to say there was no interest, mind. There was one captain from Widow’s Watch who seemed to take pleasure in the idea of undermining the Manderlys.”
Harwin couldn’t help but laugh a little. “Well, it’s one way to make an ally.”
“Indeed, my lord. Once I realised I should emphasise that Shackleton is a lumber town, I got some more interest. The Sisters have a great demand for wood these days, as I understand, and Braavos’ Arsenal is always hungry. In all, I think I convinced seven captains to make some trade, with another four or so on the fence.”
He handed over the satchel, and Harwin opened it. He didn’t bother counting the coins within, merely shifting them from side to side to get an impression. A bit over half remained from the allowance that Harwin had given.
“Thank you,” Harwin said. “I hope you didn’t run into any trouble?”
“Thankfully not. I met a man I had known as a squire, but he did not think to suspect me of anything.”
The near miss sent a small stab of fear through Harwin’s heart, but he tried to put it aside. It was days or weeks past now, and not worth worrying about, especially if Benjicot was discussing it so offhandedly.
“No other news from the New Castle?” Benji asked. “I know you had some concerns about the possibility of a marriage being suggested.”
Harwin laughed. “No, it never came up. Sylas tried to flirt with Bella’s cousin, but I don’t think it went well. He’s been unusually quiet since, though he was quite happy to spend my money to distract himself at the time.”
“My sympathies to him,” Benji grinned. “And your sister?”
“Oh, she spent much of the trip in the Wolf’s Den. I went with her a few times, stopped by the weirwood there. She took notes on the construction of the Den, I’m sure she’ll tell you everything you might want to know about Eyronic columns.”
“I have no doubt, my lord.”
Harwin stopped walking for a moment, looking out into the darkness of the barrowlands. The shadows were impenetrable, the rain oppressive. And yet he felt warmer than he had in weeks.
“I have missed you,” he said, turning to his knight. “More than I had expected to.”
Benjicot’s hair was windswept, auburn darkened to almost brown with the damp, and his beard was growing in stronger than he had let it before. It did not hide the smile that crept up his cheeks.
“And I you, my lord.”
“Thank you, again, for everything. We should probably go inside, get you warm.”
“I would appreciate that, my lord.”
They completed their lap of the barrow, returning to the small room with too many people, and the warmth of their greeting was greater than that of their fire. A plate of venison was pressed into Benjicot’s hands, and an energy filled the space anew as everyone asked after the knight’s health and of his news. Sylas retrieved wine from one of the carriages, and laughter rang through the tomb. The secrecy of Benjicot’s purpose in White Harbour was maintained, but gently mocked by all involved.
Harwin watched them all, trying not to focus too much on Benjicot. One would not think to look at the knight that he had risked his honour and freedom for Harwin. The merchants that he bribed would, Harwin hoped, prove profitable to Shackleton and Oldcastle for years to come. It was impossible to know just yet.
He was just glad to have Benjicot back amongst them. He had almost forgotten how close he had come to rely on the man in their weeks apart. Now, his household felt complete again. And it was his household, after all. The thought warmed him more than it once might have.
Sylas’ voice cut through the din of conversation. “Harwin, what’s our next stop?”
It took Harwin a moment to understand the context of the question, and so he barely avoided stammering when he answered, “Greywater Watch. Wanted to meet with the Reeds.”
Sylas nodded, curiosity satisfied, and returned to his conversation with Frenken. Their destination seemed to be helping him prove some point in a friendly argument. Benjicot was speaking with Jorah and his men, laughing over some dockside tale, pushing crab legs into the protesting guardsmen’s hands. Finally, Valena caught Harwin’s eye, smiling knowingly.
“Are we making friends all over the North?” she asked, half-mocking and half-sincere.
Harwin laughed, and didn’t answer.
Gods, he hoped so.

Memory transcription subject: Captain Sovlin, Federation Fleet Command
Date: [REDACTED]
The force assembled at the outskirts of the Skaven home system was larger than any I had ever seen. It was a rainbow of ships, each decorated with different colors and symbols communicating their allegiances. I kept one eye on the Glorious display of interspecies cooperation as I looked to my first officer.
“Wow Recel.” I said with mirth. “Just… Wow! I know I asked you to bring reinforcements, but did you really have to drag along half the federation?”
Recel didn’t respond right away. He looked past me, out into the infinite void and scratched his head, seemingly deep in thought. But then, he snapped out of it and turned his gaze to me with a proud expression. “It just seemed like the right thing to do sir.”
I couldn’t help but agree. This battle would surely go down in history as one of the federation’s greatest victories, accomplished through the cooperation of the herd. “Indeed.” I simply replied before transmitting to the Fleet. “All hands, Full speed ahead!”
Thrusters lit up across the formation as we advanced, the Skaven homeworld coming into view. The bridge crew was tense, but I didn’t share their worry. As far as I was concerned the battle was already won, superweapon or otherwise.
A beep from the sensor station notified us that the Skaven ships had come within range of our scanners. As images of the predator vessels were distributed across the fleet, there was a collective sigh of relief. They were much fewer in number this time, only a handful of freighters and a few dozen fighters. The Flagship was at the head of the formation, but crucially, the bell on top was still broken. Clearly, Kalsim’s sacrifice had not been in vain.
With this new information in mind, I addressed the fleet once more. “Looks like this will be easier than we thought. Maintain dispersed formation, I don’t want any surprises.”
“Captain!” The crewmate Manning the sensor station spoke up. “We’ve got more detailed scans of the Predator fleet. The flagship… it’s absolutely packed with life-forms! Same goes for the freighters.”
An evacuation effort? Then why were they headed right for us? They couldn’t possibly get past this many guns. “Ready weapons, I want them shot down as soon as they’re in range. Don’t let them get away.”
However, just before we reached effective weapons range, an alarm rang out. Recel checked his pad and read out a report. “Predator sighting in the Engineering deck! We’re under attack!”
“What?!!” I exclaimed. The Fleet’s communication channels became flooded with chatter, similar reports coming in from across the formation. A hunch began forming in my mind. “Sensors! Give me an update on those lifesigns!”
The crewmate squinted at his screen. “They’re… gone! The ships are empty!”
“Teleportation.” I deduced. “So that’s their gambit.” I drew my pistol from its holster, prompting the rest of the bridge crew to do the same. “All hands! Prepare to repel boarders!”
Superior Skryre Thought-Memory transcription subject: Oivit, Gojid Exterminator
Time-Date: The Grand-Great Deception
My squad took cover at the edges of the hallway, and we raised our rifles and flamethrowers at the Bulkhead in front of us. The poor engineers on the other side had managed to seal them just before being overwhelmed by the predators, giving us time to set up a defense at the natural choke point. This in turn would allow the command crew to fortify the bridge even further, but I naturally hoped that we would be able to repel them here.
Not long after we had taken positions, a green jet of energy appeared in the bulkhead’s side, beginning to cut a rectangular opening through the thick metal. We aimed at the center of the nearly completed portal, but suddenly the cutting stopped just short of completion. What were they-
BWOOSH
A fiery explosion tore open the bulkhead, destroying the neatly carved lines and causing the edges of the barrier to bend out, like a metallic flower. Despite the protection our cover and fireproof suits afforded us, the explosion rattled us, and we simply cowered behind our defenses for several seconds.
I was the first to cautiously peek out at the smoking remains of the boundary. A predator in red armor staggered through the opening, seemingly as shell-shocked as we were. I remembered my training and brought my rifle to bear. With plenty of time to aim, I fired a burst of plasma through the damned thing’s head, killing it instantly.
This galvanized the other predators, and a barrage of thin streaks of lightning rushed out at us from beyond the Bulkhead. We returned fire, but with the dense smoke we couldn’t tell whether we were inflicting casualties. As the blind firefight continued with no casualties on our side, I thought we’d be capable of holding them here until reinforcements arrived. But it wasn’t long before something besides energy blasts began to rush through the opening.
A wave of gangly predators rushed through the breach. Their scurrying quadrupedal run kept them mostly below the continued fusillade, but some were inevitably scorched dead when the shot reached too low, or a predator head too high. Our flamethrowers were ready for them however, and quickly spat a torrent of fire in their path. The front rank of creatures tried to stop at the last second, but the momentum of those behind them was too great, and they were either trampled underfoot or pushed directly into the inferno.
The charge was fully incinerated, yet a few of the burning predators continued their charge by sheer momentum alone, crossing the short distance between themselves and the flamethrower team, and plowing into them in their frenzied death throes.
More elite predators moved up in the wake of the devastated assault, brutes in red armor firing their lightning guns at us. The firefight quickly grew much more intense, both exterminators and Skaven killing each other at a rapid pace.
A group of creatures in black rags rushed out from behind their armored fellows, tossing primitive throwing weapons at us as they went. One of them struck me in the arm, piercing through my suit and leaving a small cut. Unbothered by the glancing hit, I raised my rifle to return fire, but suddenly found that I couldn’t feel my limb, nor pull the trigger.
As the strange numbness spread, I lost my balance, falling to the floor in a limp heap. I watched helplessly as my comrades lost ground, and the rearmost part of our formation turned and ran. The savage beasts hollered with bloodlust, giving chase.
As they disappeared around a corner, a new group of predators emerged from the broken bulkhead. One of their ‘Grey Seers’, accompanied by a multitude of servants. They looked more like cargo wagons than living beings, each hunchbacked from the weight of the numerous packs and crates they carried.
Their leader looked around at the walls before pointing one out, and another predator carrying a multitude of tools went up to it and unscrewed one of the panels covering it. Discarding the panel, it pulled up a strange green drill, and began digging through the thick layers of armor, quickly carving out a cavity in the side of the hull.
As it climbed in and continued drilling, the other predators followed suit. To my horror, I and several of my dead squadmates were picked up and brought along, dragged into the newly created space. Still paralyzed, I could only despair as they picked up the metal panel, sealing the tunnel behind us.
( - - - - - - - - - - )
The Extermination fleet breathed a sigh of relief as their ships managed to repel their boarders one by one. With the assault repelled, they moved into orbit of their target and unleashed their countless weapons upon the planet, bringing the End Times to the Old World.
After the annihilation was confirmed, the vessels of the fleet separated, each charting a course back to their native systems. They returned as heroes, massive celebrations held on every planet in the federations to glorify the monumental victory. And while the people celebrated in the streets, the Shadow Caste began work on their latest propaganda campaign, intending to convince future generations that the ‘Skaven’ had never existed.
As the military vessels were abandoned by their reveling crews, hunchbacked shapes emerged not long thereafter. Creeping out of cargo bays and maintenance hatches, they would briefly sniff the air to ensure the coast was clear, before scurrying off into the wilderness. There they dug holes, at first only cautiously. But it wasn’t long before they began to expand, tunneling beneath the very cities they had avoided.
They did not stop there. Camouflaged rafts were constructed, populating the abandoned oceans with dozens of ramshackle, barely floating warrens. Some snuck aboard Arxur raiding vessels when they arrived, in order to settle the planets said vessels returned to. The particularly bold began to kidnap small numbers of surface dwellers, using them as slaves, food, or the test subjects for grotesque experiments.
When they finally amassed the resources, massive antennae were erected, laced with green crystal and hidden underground, powerful enough to penetrate the crust of their respective planets. With these, encoded signals could be sent between the infested planets. Some messages were declarations of cunning, might, or other forms of superiority. Some were threats, wishing death and destruction upon rivals several lightyears away. But most were devoted to coordinating various plots, with one plot in particular standing far above the rest.
The Galactic Vermintide, to gnaw at the entire galaxy until it belonged only to the Skaven.
First - Previous

Boykissers are extremely weak specimens with the average length of 15cm, and only weighing from 50 to 80 grams.
They are barely stronger than that of a Tiger Prawn or Two-spotted Field crickets(Gryllus bimaculatus).
Astoundingly weak that even an adult was sometimes hunted by: Chinese Mantis(Tenodera sinensis), European Mantis(Mantis religiosa), Cane Huntsman Spider(Heteropoda venatoria), Greater Arid-Land Katydid(Neobarritia spinosa), Giant Asian Mantis(Hierodula patellifera), Asian Giant Hornet(Vespa mandarina) and even Giant orb weavers(Nephila pilipes).
Their vocalizations consists a very annoying, femboyish: "Ohh you like kissing boys you are a homosexual boy kisser"/"Ohh you like kissing girls you are a heterosexual girl kisser". Variations do exist; But what all they have in common as they are reported to be much more annoying than Asian Koels at midnight times.
Their diet is similar to that of a rat, eats what they sees in front of them. They don't require that much of food and mainly scavangers. They don't even have the capacity to hunt down a two-spotted field cricket, so they hunt slow and small targets such as: larva and grubs, earthworms and pillbugs. But hunting rarely occurs, often observed to eat trash or leaf litters, fallen fruits.
It's intelligence is lower that of reptiles; for example, leopard geckos and anoles. And their maxinum speed is about recorded to be 0.7 to 3km/h.
To fix that, they have specifically evolved into one thing: High reproductive rate. They are extremely prolific, able to make another generation in a matter of 14 days. Their litter size is from 15 to 20 individuals.
Baby boykissers, weighs as much as 0.5 - 1.2 grams; where as Juvenile boykissers weighs around 8 - 20 grams.
So that's make them very vulnerable to insects, and are favorite foods of Dragonflies,
Predatory Crickets,
Ants,
Cockroaches,
Robber flies,
even Antlions(Myrmeleontidae species.) Their offspring mortality rate is around 85%.
Sometimes, something like Thrushes and Starlings, Bullfrogs, Centipedes, Whipscorpions or Vinegaroons(Uropygi), True Scorpions, Tokay geckos, and even a Tarantula could even destroy an entire family of boykissers without significant effort.
Their prominent femboyish voice would instantly enrage almost everything; making them very vulnerable to predation. In the ecosystem, they don't serve a purpose; they can't pollinate or fertilize the soil,
their only purpose is to be bodied by almost everything and provide food for the ecosystem. Boykissers are primary/rarely secondary producers, often placed below that of rabbits as you commonly see in a food chain diagram. They are often surplus killed as some humans and predators hunts the for sport/lashing out.
As a result, Baby and Juvenile boykissers are often commonly used in live feed for predatory insects such as mantis and antlions, and small reptiles such as anoles; Adult boykissers are commonly live fed to Chickens, Monitor Lizards including komodo dragons, Ducks, House cats, Dogs, Mustelids.
They are often bred in suppliers.
In fishing, Baby boykissers can be used to fish River prawns and Crayfish; where as juvenile boykissers suits medium fish like Tilapias and adult boykissers fish baits larger fishs such as Salmon, Tuna, Sailfish, even Groupers.
There are absolutely no law regulations towards boykissers, so they could be ground up in shredder and mix it in livestock feed, fish chums, Boiled alive to make more digestible treats; or even beaten up by the packagers while shipping from frustration.
For Boykissers, They can be sold in a 100 individuals for 3 euro(100 TWD).
Due their prolific efficiency to make offsprings, there are companies which can produce 1 billion boykissers per year. they are lucrative businesses in martial arts for replaceable sandbags, stress relievers, pet stores and fishing stores.
Children usually play them like soccer or beating them up, and not punished by teachers because no one wants to protect them.
You cannot be arrested, no matter how you torment them and caught on live camera, as Animal Welfare Organizations don't consider them as sentinent creatures.
Domain:Eukaryota Kingdom:Animalia Phylum:Chordata Class:Mammalia Grandorder:Ferungulata Mirorder:Ferae Order:Carnivora Suborder:Feliformia Family:Shittidae Subfamily:Shittinae Genus:Shit Species:S. fuckus

 Binominal Name *Shit fuckus* (Huang, 2024) 

Boykissers have bone density of average of 0.6 to 0.7g/cm², makes them very prone to fracture and breaking. Adapted a bipedal stance, the weight bearing ability in legs can reach 0.85g/cm². Compared to humans who had 1.8 to 1.9g/cm²; boykisser is way much inferior than most animals in bone strength. From a live hydraulic press experiment, it only takes 8 kilograms force; or 72 joules/meter(72 newtons) to pulverize every single bone in adult boykissers. for single bone, and it would take 0.5 - 3kgf or 4.9 to 29 Joule/meter(4.9 - 29N) to pulverize the entire femur of boykissers. Their muscle tissue are quite weak; with the strongest individual in the sample tested lifting strength with whole body don't generally exceed 12 grams, with average of them at 65 grams never exceeded 5 grams.
Lifting strength never exceed 12 grams with whole body with bones 3x weaker than average human. They have one of the lowest size to strength ratio, no claws and have uneffective teeth. 0.8 - 1.5N(0.1 to 0.2psi), 30x weaker than that of the horned frog in bite.
IQ is lower than reptiles such as geckos, and comparable to that of a severe/profound child or a koala. Skin is about 5 micrometers thick and could be punctured by even hit by an european robin.
Boykisser vs Various critters in odds:
Let's start!
Boykisser's odds:
Stentor coeruleus - 1.1 micrograms, 0.5 - 2mm long Odds: 100% No Difficulty
Caenorhabditis elegans - 1 microgram, 1mm long Odds: 100% No Difficulty
Dust mite - 3 to 6 micrograms, 0.2 - 0.3 mm long Odds: 97% Very Low difficulty
Persimilis(Predatory mite) - 5 to 13 micrograms, 0.3 to 0.5mm long Odds: 95% Low difficulty
Booklice - 27 micrograms, 1 to 2mm long Odds: 90% Low Difficulty
Pseudoscorpion - 650 to 800 micrograms, 5 - 8mm long Odds: 85% Medium difficulty(Might get pinched and get slightly venomed)
Cat flea- 1 milligrams, 2mm long Odds: 82% Medium difficulty(Might suffer from allergies)
Red wood ant worker(Formica rufa) 6 to 8 milligrams - 1 to 1.2cm long Odds: 75% Medium-High difficulty(Might get blinded by spitting formic acid/envenomed)
Fall Cicada(Meimuna opalifera) - 6 grams, 4 - 4.8cm Odds: 72% Medium-High difficulty(Technically they do not fight back, but boykisser would suffer from ruptured eardrums.)
Desert Locust - 2 gram, 7- 8cm Odds: 64% High difficulty(They might be harmless to humans, but can tear through boykisser's skin)
American Cockroach - 0.6 - 0.8 grams, 3 to 5cm long Odds: 58% Very High Difficulty(They can bite. and it hurted.)
Field Cricket(Gryllus bimaculatus) 0.8 to 2 gram, 3.1 to 5cm long Odds: 50/50
Fire ant - 0.8 to 2 milligrams, 2 to 8mm Odds: 40%(Boykissers lose at this point, the stinger of fire ant is much more potent)
House Mouse - 12 to 30 grams, 7.5 to 10cm long Odds: 32%(Somewhat of a chance)
Green Darner Dragonfly - 1 to 1.2 grams, 6 - 8cm long Odds: 15%
Chinese Mantis(Tenodera sinensis) - 6 to 14 grams, 10 to 15cm Odds: 4%
Eurasian Tree Sparrow - 20 to 24 grams 12.5 to 14 cm long Odds: No chances whatsover
European wasp - 1 to 1.2cm, 0.1 - 0.15 grams Odds: No chances whatsoever
Female, Giant orb weaver(Nephila pilipes) - 12 - 15cm legspan, 3 to 4 grams Odds: No chances whatsoever
Solifuge/Camel Spider - 30 to 56 grams, 12 to 15cm legspan Odds: Irrelevant
Brown Rat - 200 to 500 grams, 20 to 40cm length incl tail Odds: Irrelevant
Japanese Rhinceros Beetle - 17 to 30 grams, 5 to 8 cm long Odds: Irrelevant
Emperor Scorpion - 30 to 50 grams, 15 - 20cm Odds: Never
Asian Giant Hornet - 15 to 30 grams, 5 to 8cm Odds: Never
Eurasian Blue Tit - 14 - 18 grams, 11 - 12cm Odds: Never
Giraffe Stag Beetle - 11 to 12cm, 50 - 60 grams Odds: Never
Bearded Dragon - 24 to 40cm, 280 - 400 grams Odds: Go fuck yourself.
Hercules beetle - 8 to 14cm, 50 - 85 grams Odds: Go fuck yourself.
Goliath Birdeater - 28 to 30cm leg span, 150 - 175 grams Odds: Go fuck yourself.
Great Tit - 14 to 16cm, 14 - 22 grams Odds: Go fuck yourself.
Amazonian Giant Centipede - 30cm, 400 grams Odds: Don't think about it.
Peacock Mantis Shrimp - up to 46 cm long, 450 to 600 grams Odds: Whoever think this boy kissing creature wins should go eat shit.

Gaz had crawled high into the apple tree and was pulling fruit down, lobbing it into the net his sister Tibble was holding out with her four hands. He hooted as he saw Jonathan walking through the rows.
Tibble turned, her blue fluff ruffling. "Human Jonathan! We have gathered many of the apples!"
Jonathan smiled as he approached, noting the large pile stacked on the ground. "Tibble, you have to put them in the baskets. Contact with the dirt will cause them to rot." He laughed. "I've told you this."
She shook her head. "Pyramid shape best. I like this." She pointed at the pile. "This is best way. You said you would make more cider. We like the cider. You will make it for me."
He knelt down and picked up an apple, taking a bite. Juice oozed out around his lips as his teeth pierced the skin of the fruit. He chewed for a moment while looking up at Gaz. "Yes. I said I would. Get these in the baskets and I'll carry them back."
She growled at him. "Piles are best." Tibble then began moving the top of the pile into the basket.
Jonathan sat under the tree as she filled the first basket, finishing off his third apple. She stacked it as high as she could before they started rolling off the top, and he got up. He lifted the basket and started carrying it toward the shed. "I'll be back for the next basket shortly."
He walked the half mile through the ruins of the city and stopped outside the door to the shed. He placed the basket down next to the apple masher and pulled the first apple up. He felt something ping on the back of his neck. Instinctively he scratched it, not remembering the sensation. He scratched a second time before he remembered what that particular vibration meant.
"Ares. Answer transmission."
The silicon based assistant accessed the relay and transmitted it to his subneurals.
An image of a man appeared in his ocular display. "Activation code Xeres Zulu three Kappa Alpha seven." The man said.
Jonathan tensed up and took a long breath before sighing. "Go ahead, admiral I'm guessing?"
"Admiral Alexander Oline, and you are Remnant Jonathan Kurzov?"
"I am."
"You are being activated."
Jonathan shook his head. "I'm retired."
"Retired?" The admiral asked. "You're done being human? I didn't know that was a thing."
"I'm retired from whatever you're wanting to ask me to do. Unless it's gardening, I don't give a shit about whatever you're doing."
Admiral Oline looked away for a moment and then back at Jonathan. "I have a report here describing in depth contact and conflict with an alien species, conducted by you. We received this information along with an application for a species of blue fuzzy creatures to be put under our species protection from a communications relay you and your assistant built. Am I wrong in this?"
Jonathan groaned. "No, you're right. I did a good deed."
Alexander nodded to himself as he looked over the report. "Yes, and now for your punishment." He smiled. "Prior to this, we thought all expansionist missions into your galaxy were extinct. The only traces we have left, before you, are the four sentience probes that were sent with your colonists. Do you still have access to those probes?"
Jonathan shook his head. "Haven't seen them in a few centuries. They left this system to continue scanning."
The admiral nodded. "Well, they have been continuing as programmed. They've been transmitting the entire time, and their data as mothballed during the last era, but now." He paused for a moment, his face growing stern. "A lot has changed since you left the Way. We, humanity, are on a similar path as yourself it seems."
"How so?" Jonathan asked.
"Humanity is making peace with our existence. We have gone back to our roots, trying to find peace in this darkness. Gardening, zen, familial ties, these are major values we have fostered, same as you and your adopted blue friends."
"Well, good for humans. Woo." Jonathan said. "Get to the point Oline. What do you want."
"Okay, I'll cut the curtsies. Those four probes from your expedition, their transmissions got bought up by a young entrepreneur. He went through them, refocused the probes to blue planet and found something. There's a species there, Isopodal, smart, but technologically savage. They're never going to reach beyond their atmosphere. They're planet locked, hell, probably never going to see electricity."
"Okay, so savages are causing a problem how?"
Oline sighed, shutting his eyes for a moment. "He watched them, then shared the feed with his friends, who shared the feed with their friends, and it became a phenomenon. These big bug, they're nice with extended families. They build their homes out of their shed carapaces. The longer they stay in a place, the bigger their homes get. Some are a hundred generations old, children walking through their halls touching the shells of ancestors long long gone. They scavenge, filter feed. The build tunnels to channel wastes from their small towns to the forests nearby, perfect balance with their ecosystem. They don't wage war, plan long term settlements with population quotas, living exactly as how the new human government envisions we should."
Jonathan nodded. "Sounds nice."
Oline sighed again. "It's a whole thing. We have a moon dedicated to making plushies of these things. People love them. The probes have been following specific towns for four decades now. Generations of people are involved in this ideology."
"And where do I fit in?"
"Your conflict with the Brin. Our Isopods biologically cleanse their environments of heavy metals. Their towns are built out of high demand, refined, high value materials. The Brin have since shifted their focus away from your blue fuzzy's and now are predating upon the Isopods."
"Fuck. Alright, I'll put a stop to them. You got coordinates for their homeworld?"
The admiral shook his head. "No, we're not into genocide anymore. We have to consider voters now. Your galaxy is being watched in detail now, with your little communication relay set up. We have to do this hands off, plausible deniability."
"For fuck's sake. Okay. How you wanna do this then?"
"Open source a Hadronic engine, give it to them. Basic freedom fighter protocols."
Jonathan nodded. "Understood."
Admiral Oline looked down at his templates and transmitted them. "Remnant Jonathan Kurzov, you are authorized to commence Project Pandora, classification Ultra Secret."
---===*===---
The father and eldest daughter and melted in the house of her forebears. She screeched through the walls, begging them to get out while she focused on the twins. She grabbed the two balls and tucked them into her filter pouches before running out the front door. She made it out to the beach as the heat intensified and the floating disk began sucking up their home. She stood in the water, her visual plate peaking out from the waves watching as she shivered with sadness. Her feeler appendages stroked the twins in her pouches as they fed from her filters, safe under the water. The beams finished melting down her home, pulling the slag up into the belly of the floating circle. She watched it float slowly away, disappearing down the beach.
She stood in the water, watching the smoldering hole that was her home far into the night. The stars were bright, and a dim glow came from beyond the horizons. She didn't dare leave her home, her ancestors. She kept shivering in grief, then she saw it.
A shadow contorted and a figure moved. Her vision, being as highly sensitive as it was, could barely make it out. She watched as it stood next to her ruins, her family home. A flash came from the thing.
"Fear not." It said as clearly as if it were her own blood.
She tiptoed out of the water, her weight coming back to her as she walked onto the beach. She shimmered back at the creature. "Spare us. Please."
It turned toward her, its face horrible and full of holes. Two orbs peered down at her, sending waves of fear through her shell. "A mother stands before me." It said, reflections appearing in front of it, cascading infrared to her. "I will do more than spare you."
Terror welled up in her and she fell down to the ground, but she resisted the urge to coil up and maintained her gaze upon the creature. "You are not them. You, you are different."
It walked closer to her, moving upon a mere two appendages. It lowered down next to her, extending a manipulator arm toward her. "Chance has sent a plague upon your peoples, one that you will not survive." It stared deep into her visor plate. "My people weep at that thought and offer you, Mother of three now two, a gift."
She could not help herself, and as if commanded without words, she extended two of her manipulator appendages up toward it. It opened up the ball at the end of its arm, five digits unfurling to reveal a black cube. It gently pushed the cube into her two pointed appendages.
"What is it?" She asked, shimmering.
The creature shimmered the air around it, speaking in ways she couldn't. "It is the gift we wish we did not have to give. It is horror, pain, and destruction. You know it in your organs, you feel it thinking about your mate, your daughter. Those that brought this feeling to you, will not stop until you give them this feeling back. This, this will allow you to do so, and I am sorry to have to give it to you."
She looked down at the cube in her points, feeling it as it vibrated across her limbs, reaching into her. Lines traced across her shell as she watched it grow on her. She looked back up toward the being as it crawled across her body but the shadow creature was gone.
A voice spoke to her, vibrations in her very core. "Hephaestus online. Greetings Mother."
She stood, her numerous feet appendages poking into the wet sand. "Where are you, being?" She shimmered with her shell.
"I am in you Mother, and am at your service." It replied within her minds.
"What has happened?" She asked, shivering with fear.
"You have been called upon to save your people."
She looked around before touching her own carapace. "How do I, how do we do that?"
"Where are the survivors?" It asked.
She thought for a moment, visions of the deep, visions of safety in the dark filled her minds.
"Go there. Help them."
She shivered again, defeat in the squish of body, her filters feeling the twins feeding at her sides.
"They will not stop, and more will suffer and die."
She turned her gaze back toward the horizon, seeing the glow of other homes melting in the far distance. "We can stop this?" She asked, now solely using her thoughts.
"I am but your tool. You can stop this." It replied.
---===*===---
She had not been to the vents since she picked her mate. They had fed there, filtering, hardening their shells together while discussing their future family. She could see the flickers of bioluminescence in the dark as she approached, her filters tasting the dense biofilm from the sea. She was close, and the flickers were from many peoples, many different families. She watched them talk, brothers, sisters, mothers, daughters, fathers, grandparents, all missing loved ones. Pain was the primary color, loss and heartache shared through the broken peoples.
She stepped into the outer ring, the heat of the vents warming her and her twins at her sides. Shimmers rose up to her asking who she had lost. She replied. "Mate and eldest daughter." But her reply wasn't heartache, but rather tinged with a new feeling and color. She replied with deep reds, a red tied to a thought from a people people beyond the stars, a red of blood and fire, things she knew nothing about.
The people's around her shifted in confusion at the colors. An elder great mother rose up to her. "You speak confusing daughter. What are you saying? Are you injured?"
She looked around, her visor meeting with dozens of others as they raised up to look at her. "The darkness came to me, spoke with me." She looked at the great mother. "The darkness touched me and has told me what we must do."
The elder mother walked over and touched manipulators with her. "Sit with us daughter, you need to rest. You have come far and need to heal."
"Our mates burn." The Mother of three now two said. "Our children, our families, our fathers burn. Things of light and pain come here and kill us. I will not heal these wounds. I bleed in my organs, pain beyond pain. I will not rest until they cease, until they feel my pain. They will feel this in their organs!" She flashed brighter than those around her thought possible. "I will stop them!"
A father stood up, pain shown in his colors. "They burn us. They are in the sky! How do we stop them? Do you know how? If you know anyway I will lend my spikes to yours. Please, tell us how! Anyone, tell us how." He shouted as bright as he could, lament touching his words.
The Mother of three now two walked over to him, placing her appendages upon his. Dots of blue light shifted from her carapace onto his. She looked into his visor plate and spoke with tinges of red. "The darkness has come and has promised us vengeance."
He flexed his carapace, breathing deep as he sucked in the sea. "What is this?" He asked, his own colors shifting toward the red.
"Our pain made flesh." She replied.
---===*==---
Brin operator Noloc was marking the next metal deposit while the syphons were busy pulling up the slag. It radioed over to buddy Lana. "You nearing full?"
Lana replied back. "Yeah. You want to get food while we empty?"
"Yeah, obviously." It replied. "Care to stimulate bodies while we eat?"
"Yeah obviously." Lana said. "Hey, are you getting any weird readings?"
"Like what?" Noloc asked.
Lana sent over telemetry. "Heat spikes in the water. What are those?"
Noloc looked them over and then scanned the water nearby. "Yeah, I got a dozen near me too. What are those?"
Noloc turned to look out the window just in time to see something leap onto the outer hull of its ship. "Um, one of the native creatures is on my miner."
Lana screamed through the radio.
Noloc shook at the noise and looked back out at the native. The creature was larger than normal, its color darker as well. Noloc watched as the thing curled, hunkering down on the hull. Deep scratching sounds echoed through the ship. "I am in need of assistance." It radioed up toward the mothership. "Assistance needed, native attack."
Telemetry came down. "Wait time for assistance five minutes. Ten minutes. Three hours." It read out, the time continuously increasing.
Noloc looked around. "What is happening! I need assistance!" Another thud on the hull and Noloc looked out to see another native boring into the ship. "Help!"
---===*===---
The Mother walked over to the downed ship and watched as the warriors cut apart the pilot. Hephaestus highlighted the mining beam as she walked across the machinery. She pointed with one of her manipulators. "There Father. We need that piece." She shimmered.
One of the fathers walked over and cut it free with his new sharps. "What is it Mother?"
"It is a tool of light and fire."
He shook, remembering his family burning.
"Remember that pain Father. They will feel it as they burn."
He paused and looked at her. "We will be as they are then. Burners, bringers of pain. That is not who we are."
She felt at the empty filters at her side. "My twins are in the deep with the mothers. That is not who they are, but that is who we must be so they can stay that way."
The Father shimmered back in tones of red. "They will be as we were before."
She flashed understanding. "We will suffer, become the monsters so they won't have to."
He replied understanding.
--===*===---
Three galaxies away, sitting in their living rooms across numerous worlds, humanity watched on. The four probes, hidden in their cloak fields, displayed in completed holographic representations, the forgotten horrors of war. Beams of fire and light rose up from the depths of the seas, melting Brin ships out of the sky. Day after day, the Isopods did what they did, scavenged. More fallen tech fed them, and within three months they had risen out of their gravity well, taking the fight into orbit.
A year later and several scavenged stations and the Isopods had opened up communications, seeking the others hiding in the shadows.
A world of blue fuzzy creatures were quick to respond, welcoming the filter feeders to the galactic community.
The Mother of Three now two was aboard the ship crossing the darkness as the first gathering commenced.

General Info:

• Full name: Max Macallister
• Birthday: 8/21/2020
• Current age: 19
• Hometown: Chicago, Illinois

Favorite Things:

• Foods: Max can eat anything he and his aunt would hunt but thanks to her and her wonderful cooking, he grew to love pork more than any normal teenager should.
• Hobbies: Living in the woods didn't allow for many hobbies but since he couldn't hunt on his own before the age of 12, he and whatever birds wanted to tag along went exploring. Until this day, hiking and orienteering are his favourite things to do.

Appearance:

Faceclaim	Height	Weight	Body Type	Eyes
FC	6’ 1”	174 lbs	Lean and muscled, Max developed himself through hunting and routine training at camp along with a few dozen near death experiences.	Stormy grey, look almost pitch black under darker light.

Powers (Modmailed):

Domain Powers

Power	Description
Greater Lordship: Birds, Wind and Storm Spirits	Ever since he was young, Max lived in the woods with his Aunt and had no friends whatsoever. He was nearly completely isolated. That being said, his nature as a son of the king of the sky has given him the ability to speak to and control birds and wind or storm spirits. He's still trying to work on his authority with this power though wind spirits and birds do what he wants most of the time.
Wind/Air Manipulation	Having used this ability to accidentally destroy a cabin at camp and maybe cripple a boy, Max doesn't underestimate this ability and has been trying to practice controlling it.
Travel of the Elder Gods	Having the ability to travel distances with a lightning strike, Max is in the process of training with this power in hopes of using it to visit his aunt one day. His control has improved in spades since he first discovered it, however.

Minor Powers

Power	Description
Electrical Resistance	Despite Max never needing it so far in his life, he is resistant to electricity to a certain degree.
Electricity Manipulation	The ability to call down two lightning bolts per day, Max has gotten more used to this ability since its discovery.
Double Jump	Max has always felt more mobile when using his air manipulation though he never knew it was a separate ability.

Major Power

Power	Description
Bird's Eye View	Shortly after Max was forced to leave for camp, he discovered his ability to see through the eyes of birds. He can do this with any bird and has gained a few different birds he can do this with during his past year at camp. While he is using this ability, he is immobilized. Being a vital part of his arsenal, Max is much better at using it in battle though his mastery still has room to improve.

Equipment:

Item	Description
Featherweight	A bow made for Max by Barry Callahan. The bow is a simple thing, carved of birch wood. The white and grey bark looks like a rolling storm as it cascades down the wood. The bowstring is reinforced by two celestial bronze gears, made to help the archer pull the bow back and sustain that draw for longer. There are bronze carvings on the gears, the eagles being a nice touch on the metal for a simple design. A sight unfolds from the middle of the bow, folding down into place. The crosshairs in the sight are lightning bolts, meeting at a point, but the circumference of the sight is decorated like a weathervane.
Fraterculus	A celestial bronze xiphos that used to belong to Matt, before he gave it to Max for his first quest.
Tactical Spear	A celestial bronze tactical spear that originally belonged to his mom as a present from Zeus. It can change form into a pocket watch.
Custom Arrows	His collection of ammunition for his bow, including celestial bronze tipped arrows, some broadheads he found in the camp armory, and some trick arrows, including flash-bang arrows and net arrows.
Bead Necklace	2037 As a symbol of his past year at camp, Max was given a bead thanks to it being the end of the year. Beads so far:
Banging Beats Player	A stylized iPod Nano that when used to play music, lets out a high pitch screech that stuns those in hearing range. (1 combat turn stun at 5 meters, Loss of hearing at 10 meters, and Buzzing noise at 20 meters)
Amazon Catalogue	The Amazon Catalogue is a small digital tablet that can access the Amazon family of products (Prime, Kindle, etc.) and the store with free shipping, without triggering a monster's scent, and without need for a constant internet connection. The tablet still requires charge (Type-C). It is as sturdy as a standard Amazon Kindle. An occasional connection to an Internet or Ethernet source is required to ensure system interfacing (at least once a week). Although subscription fees are waived through the host account on this device, the user is still required for any additional costs.
Companion Egg	A large, glowing silvery egg. It is said to be able to hatch into a new companion for Max. It is unclear what kind of companion the egg will produce, but Max has been taking care to keep it safe and warm.

Friends:

Name	Relationship
Simon	A gyrfalcon that saved Max from the monster that destroyed his home. Simon was uncannily intelligent when it comes to bird standards. After finding a piece of a map that pointed to the Camp, Simon helped him make it there without dying. The three month journey strengthened their bond tenfold.
Mathew Knight	A son of Hades, Matt is Max's cousin and adopted (not legally) brother who he treasures greatly. Despite the son of Hades' ability to protect himself, Max would still do his best to protect him in any given situation. Basically, hurt him and prepare for immediate avian bombardment.
Austin Reynolds	As a son of Eros, for Max, Austin was easy to love. Too easy in fact, to the point where Max started loosing himself which led to them breaking up. Now Max's ex-boyfriend, Austin remains a friend if not as close as before.
Lupa Hines	Being one of the few people to know about Max's fear of waters, Lupa quickly became someone who Max trusted. Her help as Mediator made facing his fear a little more approachable and a lot less panic attack inducing.
Tori	A bluejay Max made friends with over the past year, Tori is the 'kind but stern' to Simon's sarcasm and joking.

Family:

Member	Name	Age	Relationship
Father	Zeus	Immortal	After the battle against the residents of the labyrinth and the forces of Nemesis, Max had a chance to speak to Zeus, though he spoke through a holographic eagle. Max's opinion of his father is positive though not affectionate enough to be called a familial bond.
Mother	Mary Macallister	36	While speaking with Max, his father, Zeus, showed him an image of his mother and explained that she wasn't the kind of woman to abandon her child when he'd left.
Aunt	Lillian Macallister	Missing	Since she took him in at the age of 3, Max's aunt became like a mother to him and taught him to hunt. She also gifted him his crossbow and the celestial bronze bolts that Zeus had supposedly given his mother before she passed it on to his aunt. He recently discovered that she's still alive.
Half-Sibling	Tristan Macmillan	21	Max's opinion of his veteran half-brother is much higher than most would assume. Despite his half-brother's being more withdrawn by nature, Max still looks up to him as an example of what a child of Zeus should be.

Personality:

Max isn't the most social kid on the block by any means but he has definitely begun to be more outgoing, or at least he's tried to be. He tries to approach people but isn't very well verse in the art of conversation and might come off insensitive or clueless from time to time.
Despite all of this, there remains one permanent aspect to Max's personality which was marked upon him while growing up. During his childhood, Max read stories about what families should be like and the discovery of his mother abandoning him paired with his Aunt's disappearance have made him near overprotective of those he calls family.

History:

The past two years at camp had been what Max would call the best time of his life, case in point, making friends that weren't of the avian persuasion, having a boyfriend for a time, pseudo-adopting a child of the God of Death as his little brother (He's just the cutest little guy), almost dying multiple times, going on two quests, and generally learning how to be a functional human being (He was still working on that last one).
Still, the time at camp had changed him, mostly for the better but he knew he couldn't stay at camp forever. That being said, the place was home. His family was here and he'd be damned if he let himself lose sight of that. He'd left camp shortly after his second quest. It had given him things to think about and work through but now he was back.
Plus, traveling around for a few months just hunting monsters by rumor or through the avian grapevine had been fun. It gave him a look at what the future could hold for him, at least for a little while after camp.
Present Day:
Sitting atop Cabin 1, Max watched the sun pull itself over the horizon with a stupid grin on his face. He wasn't sure why he was in a good mood today but he never did when these moods came over him. He just liked to enjoy them as they came and went. With a huff, he slid off the side of the cabin roof and cushioned the fall with a thought.
Stretching, the black-haired young man looked up. Maybe his dad was watching... or maybe not. It didn't really matter. Max knew he cared and wether or not he watched at any given moment didn't matter. Hmm... Would practicing his lightning-jumps be a bad idea this early in the morning? Yes, almost definitely. Would Max be doing it anyways? Yup! He needed to get his rebellious teenage years out since he'd skipped that whole phase and he'd started doing so little by little. Who knew? Maybe Max would end up a responsible and serious young man if he did it enough (Doubtful but peripherally possible, if not highly unlikely).
So he grinned and with a thunderclap and a blinding lightning bolt, he went from standing next to the Zeus Cabin, to standing at the edge of the Strawberry Fields. What a wonderful day.

I (f19) and my ex (f20) have been on and off since we were 15. for back ground, twice while we were off she went a screwed off with a person who expressed interest before we broke up. just pulling hoes she claimed she would never like out her back pocket. so we were kinda ina ok place. right when we started back communicating we were talking to other people and she slept with one girl in particular… we eventually were only talking to only each other. for weeks she had been breadcrumbing that the girl followed her on social media and how we look alike and i would just ignore it everytime. so we dont talk for a couple days as we do. she texts me to tell me that the girl asked her on a date. she was supposed to be blocked. this is her third time doing this exact thing to me. she told me i was overreacting because at least she told me this time. when i went to go get my things, i took oatmeal and cracker crumbs put it in the bed. dog food (a hand full i love the dog) oil on the mirrors, took the sexy toys, cable box, the roku everything js so she would have the inconvenience of coming to my house to get it. i didn’t ruin anything. i made sure they were all cheap fixes no property ruined even though yes it was wrong i know that part but i dont agree i was THEE asshole. she comes to my house and gets her stuff and she’s yelling in my face. shes a very angry person but never violent with me before just doors walls etc. she says i gotta clean all this shit i said “thats the point” and she punched me in my eye. i politely whooped her ass. her mom in response to me saying her daughter hit me said, she hope she beats my ass. all these years i let her call me out my name, punch holes in the wall, tell me to die, breaking my stuff in arguments i did this and yea its wrong i know but she called me yelling about how she hates me because i told her mom and the girl that she hit me. she said i was acting like she hits women like she had no reason. she also said that my actions prove why she should have js kept it a secret.this girl has tried to drive us off a bridge before and i NEVER punched her. am i the asshole for what i did. i did feel terrible but i felt i needed to do something for once. a grand finale of sorts lol

Sorry if this is a bit disjointed and long, there's a TL;DR at the end. I just had my LEEP on Thursday and wanted to share my experience. Hopefully this soothes a fellow over-thinker.
Background: 30 yr old female, 130 lbs, 5'2". No moderate, severe or chronic health conditions.
I was diagnosed with high-risk (HR) HPV with LSIL/abnormal cells in February of this year. Not 16/18, but another HR strain. I got at least one shot of the HPV vaccine before I turned 26 so I was really shocked at this. I had a complete emotional breakdown because of the connection to HPV and cervical cancer, plus I just felt....dirty. I've gone through my sexually active years without getting as much as a yeast infection, and now I had just been hit with an STI, and the one that causes cancer. I went into a pretty deep depression and honestly I'm still in that depression zone but not nearly as much. I did a ton of research and my findings told me that even if it was cancer, it's one of the most curable ones especially given my age, health, etc.
My primary doctor referred me to a gyno's office connected to the hospital I go to, and I scheduled an appointment for March 1st. Gyno (who was actually not an OBGYN but an APRN/midwife?) basically did a slightly more advanced exam/questionnaire then I got another referral to an actual OBGYN for a colposcopy and scheduled it for April 1st. I thought I would have the colpo/biopsy with the APRN during my March appointment but I guess that's just a "yeah your primary is right you need a colpo" step. Idk, very confusing.
April 1st comes, the doctor that was available for that date (I wanted to get this done asap) had some less than favorable reviews on the internet so that made me a little uneasy. Between each appointment I was spending hours researching, redditing, googling, youtubing etc. so I wouldn't go into this completely ignorant and hopefully minimize the chance of any BS being pulled.
My doctor was, to my surprise, very chill, professional and knowledgeable. Took time to answer all my questions, we even had some laughs. Please ladies, find a doctor that makes you feel comfortable if you can. No question is a silly question and no doctor or nurse should make you feel like you're stupid for raising concerns or asking a lot of questions. If you feel something is off or a doc is being an a-hole, that's your sign to GTFO and find another doctor. Pleasant staff make this experience so much better.
The colpo: wasn't that bad. They crack you open like a pistachio with a speculum (like they would use for pap smear) and take a look at your cervix with this scope. A vinegar solution is applied to highlight the abnormal cells. My doc's colpo machine did have a screen that could show me what he was seeing, although it wasn't working and honestly I'm glad. I think seeing what was going on inside of me would make me worry more. So I just had to take my doctor's word for it when he said the area of abnormal cells was small.
I had a punch biopsy done during my colpo and oh man. It hurt. I wasn't instructed to take ibuprofen beforehand. I'm not sure if they didn't think I would need a biopsy or what but holy crap. 2 samples were taken, at 12 o'clock and 6 o'clock on my cervix, and I received a curettage as well. The curettage didn't hurt or was minor in comparison to the biopsy. After the biopsy, a "liquid bandage" was applied, this bandage is called Monsel's solution I believe. It's a mustard yellow paste.
The biopsy caused immediate moderate cramping and pain. The "6 o'clock" one, which was a larger sample, made me flinch and let out a little yelp. 6 o'clock hurt a lot. I will say that my doctor talked about what he was going to do before doing or as he was doing it so it's not like I was taken entirely by surprise. However, you don't realize how sensitive your cervix is until a chunk is taken from it.
After the biopsy, I felt this dull pain, nausea and cramping and apparently had excessive bleeding. Dribbles of blood were present on the procedure chair and floor, some of which had been cleaned up by the nurse/assistant prior to me sitting up so who knows how much was there. Doc confirmed this excessive bleeding in my after visit summary, but it wasn't so much so that it warranted some kind of emergency. I experienced some spotting for about 2 to 3 days after. I expected more blood in my pads but that never happened. I think seeing all this blood, knowing where it came from and why it was there made me even more nauseous.
The nausea and...weakness after the biopsy really had me messed up. I could barely focus as my doctor went into detail about what to possibly expect afterwards, what he saw (he even drew a little picture of my cervix), answered any questions I had. We said our goodbyes, I got dressed and made a mad dash to the waiting area's water cooler. I figured some cool water would calm my nerves and my stomach. I stupidly walked home after the procedure (I live in Chicago, very close to my doc's office). Nothing terrible happened but in hindsight, what if I passed out in the office, in the street? If you can ladies, have someone with you to get you home safely and for support. Or, at the very least, take an uber after.
After getting home I checked my pad, everything was good although I did have some "coffee grounds" in my pad from the Monsel's solution. The doc warned me about this and to expect it for a few days. I crashed on my couch for a little nap before going to a concert later that evening because I don't know how to take a day off.
The next month following my biopsy was largely uneventful, I did have intercourse about 2.5 weeks post-biopsy with no issues or pain, although the thought of infection and the whole process made it hard to enjoy sex (I healed up just fine so this was more unnecessary worrying). I didn't experience any pain, fever, or excessive bleeding, only some mild discomfort/cramping/lethargy (likely due to mentally stressing myself out) on day 2. I did however, experience one moment that freaked me out:
Day 3 post-biopsy: I got home from after work (my job requires me to be on my feet most of the day) and felt something in my vagina. It felt like a freshly inserted, regular sized tampon. I went to the bathroom, washed my hands and reached down to feel something coming out of me. Something was crowning and breaching my labial gates. I reached back down and slowly pulled out whatever object was in me. It felt like a horror movie. I knew I had inserted nothing.
Based on the feeling of said object, I thought my cervix was falling out of my body. I started panicking a bit. Panicking intensified after pulling out this...sac.
It looked alien. It was this membrane sac, about the size of a pitted date when rolled up. Within the sac contained those "coffee grounds." I knew it was the Monsel's solution and likely I had shed the liquid bandage. That logical thought didn't stop me from freaking out and gently wrapping my alien sac Starbucks trash baby in a piece of toilet paper and further sealing this HPV caused abomination into a Ziploc bag. My plan was to run to the ER and show them the freak I had given birth to.
Problem is, I had just lost my is insurance and was in process of getting a new plan, so a costly trip to the ER, waiting for hours for them to likely tell me I'm a panicky idiot wasn't really in the cards. So what does any overly anxious patient do? Turn to Dr. Google of course! I found a couple of reddit posts from women who had experienced the same thing but there wasn't much information on what had just slithered out of me. I found one of those "pay $5 for any kind of advice: legal, medical etc! Chat with an expert today!" sites that seemed legit enough. I got in chat with a doc quickly after some AI pre-chat prompts and he confirmed my suspicions: it was the Monsel's solution that I had expelled from my body. I was told this wasn't unusual and so long as I don't have an excessive bleeding, fever, pain, blah blah, I should be fine.
And I was fine. If you experience this and don't have any accompanying complications, you should be fine too. It is weird when it happens though.
My results came back about 2 weeks later. What was initially thought to be LSIL turned out to be HSIL/CIN-III, and my OBGYN told me I needed a LEEP sooner than later. My appointment was scheduled for next month and I still didn't have insurance. These month long waits between appointments were anxiety ridden depression fests, fueled by junk food and further exacerbated by internet research. The LEEP posts on Reddit had me so concerned, I reached out to my doctor to see if I could be put under general anesthesia for my LEEP, instead of receiving local anesthesia. Women on here described LEEPs as painful and traumatic. Just awful stuff. If you're reading this you've likely read those too. They described leg shaking after the shots, crying, etc. My doctor left me a detailed voice message and responded to my concerns with: "most women tolerate it well but if you're uncomfortable we'll send you to the hospital and put you under monitored sedation/anesthesia." I was still worried but was willing to see how I felt after local anesthesia. I was pleased he was open to working with me and my comfort level.
Fast forward to Wednesday last week:
The night before my LEEP, I got maybe an hour of sleep. I couldn't turn my mind off. My heart started racing an hour before my procedure and I had weird heart palpitations/irregular heart beat. I showered to calm myself down and be clean for my appointment, took 600 mg of ibuprofen as instructed, then headed out. Got a little snack from Starbucks (croissant for before since I was walking to my doc and some madeleines for after to help offset some potential nausea). For my LEEP I wore a big comfy sweater, some "period" leggings (leggings that aren't too tight and I don't care if they get blood on them) and brought a pad with me just in case. They should provide one for you but I'd rather be prepared. Got to the office, checked in, did the pregnancy urine test, got called in quickly, went through the whole height/weight/med history routine. About 5 mins later I sat down in my OBGYN's office. He described the lab findings (CIN-III), detailed the procedure, the tools and supplies they would use, aftercare and answered any questions I had. He then led me into a procedure room (pretty sure it was the same one I had my bloody biopsy in). I got undressed from the waist down like a pap, sat in the procedure chair, draped a little paper blanket over my bare bits and waited. The doctor came in with his nurse and went to work.
They again cracked me open with a speculum, this time it was rubberized on some parts. This is so your vagina doesn't get fried from the electrical current, otherwise your pubes and vulva will look like Marv in Home Alone. They also slapped a little rubber pad on my thigh to "ground" me like I'm some kind heavy duty machinery. Colpo machine comes forward so the doc can zoom in on your cervix. He applied 2 types of solution if I recall correctly: the normal vinegar solution to highlight abnormal cells and an iodine solution to highlight normal cells. Someone can correct me if that's wrong. The solutions and their uses were the least of my concerns.
He then went in with 4 lidocaine injections to numb the area, total of about 1 ml of lido I think. He used a very small needle and upon insertion, it felt like a little pinch. Now, for those afraid of needles, it is a long ish needle but the actual poke is minimal. Although some women report that the inject was the worst part. That was not the case here but the visual can be a bit alarming. After the first injection, I didn't feel the other 3. I felt comfortable going forward with the procedure, and my doc kept checking in with me to make sure I was ok. I did feel an increase in my heart rate post-lidocaine, but it wasn't concerning. I wasn't sure if this was from the "holy shit he's about to start zapping" or as a side effect of the lidocaine. Regardless, my heart rate came back down to a reasonable level given the circumstances in a few minutes. I was actually so comfortable at this point, I managed to relax my asscheeks after they were clamped together like a vise grip from the moment my derriere hit the chair.
I'm not really sure what happened after the injections, I knew he was using the LEEP machine but I don't know how long that lasted and when the wound was being created vs. cauterized as I didn't feel anything except some mild cramping/discomfort. I didn't flinch like I did with the biopsy. When the doc was finished, he applied a little bit of Monsel's, described how much he removed, went over aftercare again, we said our thank yous and goodbyes. I got dressed and went on my way, snacking on my madeleines on my way home (I walked again lol). I felt well post-procedure and even stopped at Target to do some shopping and smell some summer collection candles. I did feel myself bleeding but when I got home and checked the pad, there was a minimal amount of blood. Some women here have reported a distinct burning smell during their LEEP, I didn't smell anything but I also have sinus issues soooo maybe I just didn't pick up on it? My appointment was at 9 a.m. and I was out by 9:32.
When I got home I had some orange juice, water then slept for about 8 to 9 hours. I did have little cry sessions here and there after my procedure. But I was also sleep deprived and know I tend to get emotional. Regardless, take some time off after a LEEP, stay home around your own germs if possible. Get some of your favorite snacks, a face mask and a Nintendo switch or something. This is a good time for some self-care and rest, girlies.
Friday, day after LEEP: no bleeding, minor cramping/discomfort.
Saturday: Usual morning pee met with some blood in the toilet paper. Nothing in my pad though. Throughout the day I slept on and off, I've been more tired than usual. My body and mind has gone through some shit so I'm not mad at myself for being sleepy. I did experience some heavier bleeding throughout the day that was mostly dark colored. The blood level was about the same if not less than what I'd experience with a period. No unusual smell. I did shed the liquid bandage. Did have some mild cramping at certain points during the day but not debilitating or worth taking ibuprofen over.
Sunday: Energy levels finally back up to something normal, don't feel as tired. Still bleeding dark red blood/brown discharge but it's minor. Ran some errands today, I figured gravity would cause me to bleed more but it's about the same as yesterday if not less.
If there's interest, I'll check in at maybe the 2 week and 4 week mark, or whenever I remember since this is my throwaway account.
Overall the LEEP was way better than the biopsy in my experience. Reddit had me freaking out. I know I'm lucky, and this post isn't to dismiss any terrible or painful experience other women have had. I want to share my 'positive' experience, since most of my mental state surrounding my diagnosis, fears, the upgrade from LSIL to HSIL, has been negative.
Oh and I did get insurance literally a week before my LEEP, thank God.
If you have any questions please feel free to ask them below!
TL;DR: -Colpo: easy -Biopsy: sucks. Most pain I've ever felt and felt nauseous/uneasy after. Ask your doctor if you can take ibuprofen prior to a biopsy. Monsel's solution/liquid bandaid came out in sac-like alien baby about 36 to 48 hours later. Was able to have intercourse 2-2.5 weeks post-biopsy. No insertion of anything for about 3 days after. -LEEP: easy-ish? 600 mg ibuprofen 1 hour before procedure. Anxiety inducing but once I was numbed with local anesthesia, I felt nothing except some mild cramping. The injection didn't hurt and caused no serious side effects. No smell. No excessive bleeding. Felt fine post-LEEP but did experience some bleeding. It's been less than a week so I'll update if anything spooky happens, if no updates then expect everything went fine. No intercourse/tampons/etc for 3 to 6 weeks.
Tips: -Prioritize self care throughout this experience especially. It'll help you stay calm and heal. -Dress comfy for procedures -Take some snacks and water to your appointments for post-procedure ick -Do your research. Knowledge is power even if it makes you uncomfortable. Youtube was a great resource for me, I like to see what's going to happen before it does. Just try not to get worked up like I did. -Ask questions. If a doctor makes you feel stupid, see another doctor if possible. -Have someone with you for support and to make sure you get home ok -If you experience fever, intense pain, soaking through pads, or notice any weird smell: GO TO A DOCTOR

Hi M20 here
Me and my Mother have always had a very unstable relationship throughout my childhood and teenage years.
When I was very young me and my mother had a good relationship until I turned around 8 years old and then something changed, I am not sure what but she become this increasingly volatile individual.
As a kid, my mother would never let me leave her side, and this sounds like goof parenting but my mother took this to the extreme, she never let me have a sleepover and never let me go to a friends for tea. In the same way she never let me invite anyone around as she didn't want to let people into our house.
This continued throughout my teenage years also, I never had friends around was never allowed to go and meet up with friends and so I become a recluse during my secondary school years. My mother would control who I was friends with and so when I finally made some friends she forced me to drop them when she suspected that some of them were gay and that they might be influencing me (which is absolutely bizarre as I am not sure why she was bothered about 13/14 year old's sexualities ). I didn't drop them as they were amazing friends and she eventually found out about this at parents evening as one of my teachers mentioned one of the students names and she was ranting and raving about how they were a bad influence on me and I disrespected her.
Then I had struggles with my sexuality around this age regardless of my friendship with these people and then she made disgusting accusations against me which permanently effected my relationship with her, when I told my dad, he was absolutely disgusted and shouted at her and then she cried and said she was a terrible mother, I don't want to go to into depth on this part of the matter due to the fact that It is very upsetting for me to talk about. However wanted it to be mentioned as I felt that it was relevant to my mothers actions
She kind of chilled out for a few years and then she ramped it back up again when I went into sixth form, mainly as when I was in sixth form I was allowed to leave the school site during free periods and lunch and break time, I called her one time and told her that I was on my way down to meet my friend in a town by my school (like a five minute walk give or take) and she lost her shit down the phone saying that I was disrespectful and 'naughty' for not telling her that I was walking down to the park with my friend and that I could be kidnapped and killed and she would never know where I was if the school went on fire.
I then one evening went down to the beach with my friends at the end of the summer term and she then forced me to put my location on my phone so she knows where I was - she knew where I was as she dropped me there ? and she then forced me to keep it on but then she started getting far to controlling with it, for example when I was sat in a classroom examination she started repeatedly activating the lost mode on the phone and playing sounds on it as my location was not updating, and she was texting me saying put your location on now where are you? IN A LESSON ? ? ?
This then chilled out until I was applying for Universities and she wanted me to apply for the universities within a 30 minute drive to where we live, however due to me feeling so depressed at this time and wanting to leave home I applied for a University 1hr 20 min away and she blew her lid at me and said why would I do this when I can stay at home with her and that she didn't want me to move away and that she did not want to let me move away as I never asked her if this was something that I would be allowed to do, bear in mind I was 18 years old at this point and she was still treating me as if I was 8 years old.
She then forced me to transfer to one of the universities closer home due to manipulating me over the summer, I was diagnosed with a long term health condition and due to pain I gained some weight and a few years earlier I had started vaping (bad I know however I was trying to fit in, weak mindset core I just wanted some friends) she was also being very strict with what I was allowed to eat during this time and not allowing me to leave the house in an attempt to not let me vape - I was 19 at this point and yet again I can make my own decisions. This carried on for a while and due to her constant comments about my weight (she made comments like 'you are developing a shelf and a pouch) and the fact that I was s*xually assaulted at University I developed Bulimia as I felt inadequate due to her constant comments as as I was already mentally so low I coped in an unhealthy way and still to this day have an extremely unhealthy relationship with food (bingeing, purging ect ect) and this took a toll on my mental health as I found myself becoming dysregulated emotionally quite frequently and so I was trying to go on medication but she tried to convince me to not take them
My mother now is equally just as nasty, she comments about my weight frequently (I am not overweight for one and two I have told her I have a eating disorder but she said to my face that she doesn't believe me or in them). I got given money for support with my condition and have student finance for money and she keeps forcing me to pay off her overdraft amounts I have given her around 6k this year as she is not financially stable, she has paid me part back so that not an issue but I feel like its so inappropriate to be asking your child for so much money and being nasty and abusive as a means to get it (throwing me out screaming in my face ect ect )
Can anyone give advice on what to do because I am at the end of my tether with this woman, I say woman as I no longer see her as a parent but purely someone who lives in my house who likes to have an extreme amount of control over me
Thanks

SW 274, CW 268, GW 210
So I started on .25 last Sunday, keeping in mind all the advice I’d read and received on here.
Luckily, I had no significant symptoms than some mild nausea, and some headaches/muscular aches the day of the shot.
After having almost no appetite the first couple of days after the shot, I quickly realized I was going to have to change the ways I was eating, in more ways than one.
I basically became a sipper for drinks, and a chewer for food (I used to just scarf things down), and reduced my portion sizes across the board. I felt full a LOT, but by the end of the week I could tell the shot was beginning to wear off. My experience from what I can tell was mostly in line with what a lot of others have said here.
Realistically I’ve been hoping for a reasonable weight loss of 1 pound a week, maybe more. I was pretty surprised when I was down by 6 pounds! You almost don’t believe it, you know? I was actually down by 8 pounds at one point, but then I wound up eating a little bit more over the past day or two as my hunger came back.
Meanwhile I had lost about 10 pounds before starting Wegovy, I went from a 44 waist to a 42 so I bought some new clothes. So now my 42’s are starting to get loose…