I 26 f moved in with my boyfriend 23 m back in February. It is now June and I am having physical symptoms of stress & depression, that’s how bad it got.
He has his older brother 29 & little brother 17 also living here, (I was unaware when I was moving in, he just said they stay “sometimes”) and they sleep on the living room floor. All three of them are nasty!

 They finish a bottle of water, and throw the bottles to the side. There is a collection of juice & soda bottles in the living room. They barely drink water anyways, only if I BUY IT & they decide to help themselves. 

There was no garbage can when I moved in. They would just plastic bags from their store runs or take out food.
They leave crumbs on the kitchen counter. All over the floor. It is like there is absolutely no awareness & no care.
They leave toilet seat up. And sometimes there’s a “dust” left over on the toilet seat from someone dirty & sweaty sitting down.
The little brother will leave food out & hide it. You tell him don’t do it, he smiles and says okay. Later that night, there’s something else left out.
The house has a real heavy smell of funk. It either smells just dirty, or like the little brother’s extremely strong & pungent body odor. & I mean, the WHOLE house. Except the bedroom because I usually make sure the door is closed.
My boyfriend will bite his nails & spit it on the floor, so there’s bitten fingernails on the floor. I have a bad nail biting habit as well, but mine go in the trash!!
The older brother has a body-scrubby thing in the shower and it’s literally black. Why is your body that dirty & why do you not feel the need to wash it out. Just showcase it in everyone’s face in the shower. Once again, I think I’m the only one that is bothered.
I don’t want to keep my toothbrush or loofah in shower anymore. Can’t help but think of the dirty water bouncing off of their bodies (that they don’t properly clean just like their environment) on to my intimate hygienic items.
There is absolutely no consideration for the next person!! Or no shame, embarrassment. Nothing.
I buy a box of little bites from the grocery store (very expensive, like 7$ for 5 bags) & my boyfriend wants to eat 3 bags back to back. He can be very glutton, and I try to express we are on a fixed income with government assistance. He knows this, because he’s the only one working right now! You would think he’d be more mindful of the little money he works so hard for.
Boyfriend is also very inconsistent, just quit his 4th job in a matter of 6 months.
Older brother works multiple jobs & does not contribute shit. Does not even offer to take the garbage out. It’s like he can’t be bothered with nothing pertaining to the household, but this is where he comfortably lays his head. I sarcastically joked to my boyfriend he should just make his older brother a copy of the keys since he always has our set of keys & inconveniences us, & he actually did! Despite claiming it was only temporary.
The other brothers will sneak MY food and drinks in the night. They don’t even ask, just sneak.
I don’t want to eat out of the kitchen. I feel like every surface is contaminated.
I feel like anyone would be upset. I left my 1 bedroom apartment for this. I lived by myself, it was beautiful, nicely decorated, and always smelled great. I am at my wits end with heart pains, fainting spells, & stomach aches as soon as I open my eyes.
And my bf never sees a problem unless I say something, and even then results are very temporary. All of them are very comfortable in dirt. Yuck.
Then, when boyfriend does clean it is not proper. If he sweeps, I have to come sweep behind him & I end up with a bigger pile of dirt than he originally did, thinking he just fully cleaned!
I do little basic things for my sanity, but I refuse to clean up after 3 grown dirty men with horrid cleaning standards.
Sorry for the extremely long post, I am at a breaking point.
AITA for thinking about ending the relationship & finding all of this extremely repulsive?

I 26 f moved in with my boyfriend 23 m back in February. It is now June and I am having physical symptoms of stress & depression, that’s how bad it got.
He has his older brother 29 & little brother 17 also living here, (I was unaware when I was moving in, he just said they stay “sometimes”) and they sleep on the living room floor. All three of them are nasty!

 They finish a bottle of water, and throw the bottles to the side. There is a collection of juice & soda bottles in the living room. They barely drink water anyways, only if I BUY IT & they decide to help themselves. 

There was no garbage can when I moved in. They would just plastic bags from their store runs or take out food.
They leave crumbs on the kitchen counter. All over the floor. It is like there is absolutely no awareness & no care.
They leave toilet seat up. And sometimes there’s a “dust” left over on the toilet seat from someone dirty & sweaty sitting down.
The little brother will leave food out & hide it. You tell him don’t do it, he smiles and says okay. Later that night, there’s something else left out.
The house has a real heavy smell of funk. It either smells just dirty, or like the little brother’s extremely strong & pungent body odor. & I mean, the WHOLE house. Except the bedroom because I usually make sure the door is closed.
My boyfriend will bite his nails & spit it on the floor, so there’s bitten fingernails on the floor. I have a bad nail biting habit as well, but mine go in the trash!!
The older brother has a body-scrubby thing in the shower and it’s literally black. Why is your body that dirty & why do you not feel the need to wash it out. Just showcase it in everyone’s face in the shower. Once again, I think I’m the only one that is bothered.
I don’t want to keep my toothbrush or loofah in shower anymore. Can’t help but think of the dirty water bouncing off of their bodies (that they don’t properly clean just like their environment) on to my intimate hygienic items.
There is absolutely no consideration for the next person!! Or no shame, embarrassment. Nothing.
I buy a box of little bites from the grocery store (very expensive, like 7$ for 5 bags) & my boyfriend wants to eat 3 bags back to back. He can be very glutton, and I try to express we are on a fixed income with government assistance. He knows this, because he’s the only one working right now! You would think he’d be more mindful of the little money he works so hard for.
Boyfriend is also very inconsistent, just quit his 4th job in a matter of 6 months.
Older brother works multiple jobs & does not contribute shit. Does not even offer to take the garbage out. It’s like he can’t be bothered with nothing pertaining to the household, but this is where he comfortably lays his head. I sarcastically joked to my boyfriend he should just make his older brother a copy of the keys since he always has our set of keys & inconveniences us, & he actually did! Despite claiming it was only temporary.
The other brothers will sneak MY food and drinks in the night. They don’t even ask, just sneak.
I don’t want to eat out of the kitchen. I feel like every surface is contaminated.
I feel like anyone would be upset. I left my 1 bedroom apartment for this. I lived by myself, it was beautiful, nicely decorated, and always smelled great. I am at my wits end with heart pains, fainting spells, & stomach aches as soon as I open my eyes.
And my bf never sees a problem unless I say something, and even then results are very temporary. All of them are very comfortable in dirt. Yuck.
Then, when boyfriend does clean it is not proper. If he sweeps, I have to come sweep behind him & I end up with a bigger pile of dirt than he originally did, thinking he just fully cleaned!
I do little basic things for my sanity, but I refuse to clean up after 3 grown dirty men with horrid cleaning standards.
Sorry for the extremely long post, I am at a breaking point.
AITA for thinking about ending the relationship & finding all of this extremely repulsive?
How would you feel?

I 26 f moved in with my boyfriend 23 m back in February. It is now June and I am having physical symptoms of stress & depression, that’s how bad it got.
He has his older brother 29 & little brother 17 also living here, (I was unaware when I was moving in, he just said they stay “sometimes”) and they sleep on the living room floor. All three of them are nasty!

 They finish a bottle of water, and throw the bottles to the side. There is a collection of juice & soda bottles in the living room. They barely drink water anyways, only if I BUY IT & they decide to help themselves. 

There was no garbage can when I moved in. They would just plastic bags from their store runs or take out food.
They leave crumbs on the kitchen counter. All over the floor. It is like there is absolutely no awareness & no care.
They leave toilet seat up. And sometimes there’s a “dust” left over on the toilet seat from someone dirty & sweaty sitting down.
The little brother will leave food out & hide it. You tell him don’t do it, he smiles and says okay. Later that night, there’s something else left out.
The house has a real heavy smell of funk. It either smells just dirty, or like the little brother’s extremely strong & pungent body odor. & I mean, the WHOLE house. Except the bedroom because I usually make sure the door is closed.
My boyfriend will bite his nails & spit it on the floor, so there’s bitten fingernails on the floor. I have a bad nail biting habit as well, but mine go in the trash!!
The older brother has a body-scrubby thing in the shower and it’s literally black. Why is your body that dirty & why do you not feel the need to wash it out. Just showcase it in everyone’s face in the shower. Once again, I think I’m the only one that is bothered.
I don’t want to keep my toothbrush or loofah in shower anymore. Can’t help but think of the dirty water bouncing off of their bodies (that they don’t properly clean just like their environment) on to my intimate hygienic items.
There is absolutely no consideration for the next person!! Or no shame, embarrassment. Nothing.
I buy a box of little bites from the grocery store (very expensive, like 7$ for 5 bags) & my boyfriend wants to eat 3 bags back to back. He can be very glutton, and I try to express we are on a fixed income with government assistance. He knows this, because he’s the only one working right now! You would think he’d be more mindful of the little money he works so hard for.
Boyfriend is also very inconsistent, just quit his 4th job in a matter of 6 months.
Older brother works multiple jobs & does not contribute shit. Does not even offer to take the garbage out. It’s like he can’t be bothered with nothing pertaining to the household, but this is where he comfortably lays his head. I sarcastically joked to my boyfriend he should just make his older brother a copy of the keys since he always has our set of keys & inconveniences us, & he actually did! Despite claiming it was only temporary.
The other brothers will sneak MY food and drinks in the night. They don’t even ask, just sneak.
I don’t want to eat out of the kitchen. I feel like every surface is contaminated.
I feel like anyone would be upset. I left my 1 bedroom apartment for this. I lived by myself, it was beautiful, nicely decorated, and always smelled great. I am at my wits end with heart pains, fainting spells, & stomach aches as soon as I open my eyes.
And my bf never sees a problem unless I say something, and even then results are very temporary. All of them are very comfortable in dirt. Yuck.
Then, when boyfriend does clean it is not proper. If he sweeps, I have to come sweep behind him & I end up with a bigger pile of dirt than he originally did, thinking he just fully cleaned!
I do little basic things for my sanity, but I refuse to clean up after 3 grown dirty men with horrid cleaning standards.
Sorry for the extremely long post, I am at a breaking point.

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May 3rd,2024 I found out i was pregnant. It was the one of the most scariest moments of my life. I never knew i could feel so many emotions at once. But, at this time i knew i wasn’t capable of bringing a child into this world. My partner was okay with my decision, and quite frankly i thought it wouldnt of affected me as bad as it did. May 6th, 2024 I had a medical abortion. My partner had just left to go on vacation in Nashville. At the time i wasn’t mad, i made excuses for him to all my friends, defended him anytime someone wanted to say how terrible he was for leaving me during a time like this. But at the end of it all i felt the pain. All of it. Abandoned. “I know your body, you won’t get pregnant” coming from someone with a set of balls between their legs. Trying to tell me, a woman, that he knows my body. Why on earth did i trust his advice? When the real person who knew my body was me, and only me. Why was I left so he could go party and drink? While i laid in bed with pain i’ve never experienced. I’ve never seen that much blood in my whole life, and beneath me was a puddle of it. I was scared, confused, angry, sad, and the worst of it all was the guilt. Like i said before, i never expected it to be hard for me. Obviously i knew the complications & symptoms… but i never thought that it would make me as emotional as i am today. I just think the hardest part of it all was not having my partner there, he chose to be out of state and drink daily. I’m trying not to hate him, but my body can’t seem to shake the situation he left me in. The situation HE put me in. I know i played a part in it too, but i begged for a plan B (my body doesn’t react well to birth control) “i’m not spending $50 when i know you’re going to get your period next week” “i know your body” All men truly care about is getting their fix. & Recently i’ve just felt like an object to him and someone he can use to please himself every now and then. I love him, we’ve been together for 2 1/2 years, but what do you do when the person you love disappears at the time you need him the most? Please share your advice

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Capable_Goal_6116
Originally posted to TrueOffMyChest
My husband got a vasectomy and didn’t tell me
Trigger Warnings: accusations of infidelity, emotional abuse and manipulation, betrayal
Original Post: May 18, 2024
Throwaway bc my husband knows my main. I don’t know what to do. My (31F) husband (32M) - fake name Chris, and I have been married for four years, together for six. When we first got together we had several long talks about how we both wanted a big family. I wanted to be very upfront that child free is not an option, and I said I wanted to have at least four kids. I’m an only child and know how lonely it is, I also said I wanted to have them about a yeayear and a half apart so they could grow up close.
He always wholeheartedly agreed to this and often made jokes like “whether we have 4 or 6, have as many as we want, it’s your call since you pretty much have to do all the work” and on our wedding day before we left the reception for our honeymoon he whispered “can we get outta here and get started on baby #1?” I loved how excited he seemed. To be clear I didn’t go off my BC until about two months after we were married and I got pregnant soon after with our first daughter Joy.
Joy was a happy pregnancy, long birth, but she was a beautiful, healthy baby. She went through colic which was trying, but other than that she was a happy first addition according to me. I noticed Chris became distant during my first pregnancy, but when I asked him about it he just said he had a lot in his mind being a new father. He said he was still excited, but something changed. For reference, we both work full time, I make about 20K more a year than him, and the five bedroom house that we live in was a gift from my mom who was very excited to be a grandma to many. My job is fully remote, but still offers maternity leave, and I have a nest egg savings for emergencies, and feel it’s important to mention this because I know finances can be a major stress factor when it comes to having kids, but not for me and Chris.
Then Joy came out perfectly, Chris had three months of paternity leave and was home with us for majority of that time. My mom visited a lot, and paid to have cleaners come. There were still a lot of long nights and it was tough for me to breastfeed, but overall nothing unexpected. Chris still seemed distant, but always helped with Joy. We have an agreed open phone policy, so I did check his phone quite often but didn’t find any sign of cheating. He goes through my phone whenever he wants too. I asked if he found me unattractive while pregnant and he assured me no, he loves me and he’s excited for our family.
Fast forward a year after, we’re sleeping through the night and I am back to work, saw my doctor and was cleared to try for bundle of joy #2, and Chris seemed very enthusiastic at this point. He even downloaded an app to track my fertility cycle so we could make the most of my ovulation times.
We had a lot of fun and he was always very passionate, but six months of trying with no pregnancy I started to worry. I’d voice my concerns and Chris would brush them off, so I tried to be patient, but then almost two years passed and Joy is growing up by herself.
I broke down to my mother crying and she agreed to come with me to the doctor to get checked out. I was very emotional and scared, but the doctor assured me everything is fine and that I should be able to conceive without any issues.
I went to Chris with this knowledge and he was very upset I went to a fertility specialist. I explained I thought something might have gone wrong during my last pregnancy, concerned that I was maybe blocked or infertile somehow. He said why not wait and “just let nature take its course” and I said “our little girl is almost three, and growing up by herself.” I reminded him of our plans and he just nodded and said all we can do is try. I asked if he would see a fertility specialist and he got angry, saying there’s nothing wrong with him and we don’t have the money for fertility treatments anyway. This confused me since we do have money, we have my savings and are doing pretty well.
When he went to sleep I decided to go through his phone again and went back through his calendar and call logs. I noticed about eight months after Joy was born there was a blocked day indicating he’d taken off from work, but it was in the middle of the week and I don’t remember any sort of special occasions behind why he’d take this random day off. I went through the call logs and found an office number about a week before and when I googled the number a local business where you could get a vasectomy appeared! I couldn’t believe what I was looking at. I instantly felt cold all over then started to panic.
I woke him up and confronted him. He just stared at me while I went off and admitted babies were harder than he thought and he felt like my first pregnancy took forever.
I couldn’t believe it. I packed my things, Joy and her things and drove to my mom’s house. She is in distress with my sudden appearance and my inability to stop crying. I finally told her yesterday morning what happened and she’s just beside herself. I don’t know what to do, but every time I think about how during sex Chris would talk to me about giving me a baby and he’d had the vasectomy the entire time. I feel so disgusted and stupid. I can’t believe my little girl is going to grow up alone. Chris has been blowing up my phone, but I just keep letting it ring and haven’t read any of his texts.
Edit: to those saying I “coerced” my “poor husband” into agreeing to a big family, nope. I was always open and honest about my dreams, told him it’s okay if he wanted different things, and he not only repetitively agreed and accepted, he also helped me plan, nest, put together the nursery and enthusiastically participated in conversations regarding having multiple children around friends and family, and always said we’d have at least 4. That was our number. Him getting a vasectomy behind my back was a complete shock.
Also, we’ve both always agreed to the open phone policy. I never “betrayed his trust” by going through his phone since I always had his consent to do so and he has mine. We even have the same phone pass code. I never wanted to be in a relationship where we kept secrets from each other. I know other couples feel different, but this is another thing he always 100% claimed he agreed with me on.
I vaguely remember one week where he actually turned me down for sex claiming he had a “head cold” and he didn’t join me in the shower like usual during that time, but I didn’t think anything about it. And no, men never need a wife’s signature to get vasectomy.
Comments
FantasticAnus: There's nothing wrong with child number one changing his mind, but he should have been open and honest about that and said that he wouldn't be having any more children, and then it would have been up to you as to whether you could live with that, or move on from him.
What he did, however, was duplicitous and manipulative. I don't think I could stay with a man who was so willing to keep such an enormous lie from me, one which impacts me, my daughter and my future enormously.
MyUsernameIsMehh: He has every right to not want more kids, you have every right to want more.
What he did not have the right to do was fool you for years. Men who have had vasectomies but hide it and "try for a baby" are beyond disgusting. Their wives think something is wrong with them, they go to specialists and sometimes spend a LOT of money on fertility treatments.
He's a spineless little shit (pardon my words, but it's true) who pushed you to have breakdowns over this.
He had every right to get a vasectomy, he didn't need your permission, but he had NO RIGHT to hide it and pretend you two were trying for another child.
 
Update: May 24, 2024
Some of you made some comments about my mom gifting my husband and I a house, paying for occasional cleaning services implying that Chris feels somehow emasculated by this, also implying I am “too financially dependent on my mom.” I make very good money, I have a sizable savings and don’t need any help, my mom was excited to buy this house for us as a wedding present. My dad passed away when I was young, he was wealthy and left my mom everything, so she shares his love since I’m her only kid. I make more money than Chris and always have. Yes his name is on the house, so yeah I’m gonna get screwed over in the divorce.
Some of you complained I “broke his trust” by going through his phone. He goes through my phone too. We have the same passcode. Some comments called this agreement between us unhinged, which to me is bizarre. Chris, I thought, was my soulmate, my husband and best friend. We don’t have secrets. I thought. Isn’t that the whole point of marriage? To finally have one person in the whole world you can tell everything to? To always be on the same team? Obviously I was wrong, and as many of you pointed out, that kind of love, trust and openness doesn’t really exist, and none of that matters now.
Chris and Joy seemed fine to me, but in hindsight there’s always been a hesitation on his part. I always thought it was just typical since the short while my dad was alive in my life I don’t really remember him being affectionate or warm. He was nice and played with me sometimes, but I don’t remember being held by him very much. I asked Chris many times if everything was okay when I noticed he was distant. He always said things were great, and give an excuse; just tired, work is draining, no big deal.
We’re in the US, and here a man can go get a vasectomy at any time. I don’t know what Chris told his doctor. For all I know he took his wedding ring off and gave a sob story, or probably just walked in and asked for the procedure. It doesn’t matter.
I’m really thankful for my mother. She’s heartbroken for me, and like many of you, she already knows my marriage is over. There’s been a lot of long nights of me crying that she’s endured.
I’m numb when I’m not crying, and keep getting this creepy feeling that nothing matters. We’re getting a divorce. I finally called Chris and he sobbed he was sorry, said he might be able to get it reversed. I’ve read a lot about vasectomies since my last post, and sometimes it can’t be reversed. It’s always a risk.
Again, it doesn’t matter. It’s not actually about the vasectomy. It’s that the person who I thought was the one person in the world that I could trust, that I was on the same page as, literally writing the book together, made this decision without me and kept it from me and the lied for years. I really thought what we had was true love. Now I’m pretty certain that doesn’t even exist.
Chris has not offered any explanation. He cried, begged my forgiveness and said again that he could get it reversed. Even if he can, the rest is irreversible. He never once answered my question. It’s really painful to talk to him, so after three times of asking and him each time dodging answering, and begging forgiveness, I finally just said to please leave the house and told him he’d hear from my lawyer.
He texted that he’s packed and left, and I haven’t heard from him since. He never once asked about Joy.
My lawyer says I might wind up paying alimony, but I might be able to get the house since it was a gift from my mother and Chris has never made any financial contribution. He also says Chris committed a kind of infidelity since he went behind my back to have this life altering procedure and admitted it, so that might help me.
To everyone telling me it’s gonna be okay, and I can still have more children…all of that seems impossible right now. My heart is broken. I’ve never experienced such sadness and the only relief is when I’m playing with my daughter. Her happiness is infectious. She is blissfully unaware, having the time of her life at grandma’s, but unlike her father she actually asks where’s da da?
I called work and took a medical leave of absence. I found a therapist.
My mom has offered to stay with me for a while, as well as hire a nanny.
Comments
BrightAd306: I agree with you. It’s not the vasectomy. It’s lying about it and defrauding you. Wanting your money, but not being a true partner.
Listen to your lawyer. Do what he says, and you’ll come out the other side. Even if you pay alimony, it won’t be forever
DangerNoodleDandy: I agree. The vasectomy and the fact that he hid it are a symptom of a greater issue.
 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

Andy watched the streets from his apartment window with bright eyes; The music was alive.
Brass instruments trumpeted into the night sky; people bustled every which way and singers sang the rhythmic tunes of the blues on every corner. The honey notes of jazz rose and fell and seemed to hang on the breeze, making each breath intoxicating. It was like the music itself entered into the bodies of each person in the crowd and began forcing its way out in strange, swinging movements until it took shape. Then, it flowed through their limbs as smoothly as running water.
Alex began to nod his head a little. It was as if the sound itself was a living thing and had crawled into him as well; the bass drums thud, thud, thudding against his ears and his heart rate slowing to match the pace.
Performers walked up and down the sidewalks, some on unicycles or stilts, others breathing fire and juggling thin silver hoops, and everyone was dancing. It looked like the damn Mardi Gras.
Andy looked down and realized he’d been slowly tapping his leg as well. Then his body became restless. He had to get up and move, and the movements came out jerky and spazzy at first, but quickly gained fluidity. He danced alone in his apartment, swinging his arms and twirling circles over the floor. He danced all the way to the door, but just as he grabbed the handle he stopped.
The television blinked white and an alarm began barking a hateful and continuous “BZZRT” noise.
For a moment it broke the spell, and he had stopped moving. He watched the TV as the letters C.D.C. dawned over the screen. An automated voice began to speak in a deep and monotonous tone, “A state of emergency has been declared over the states that follow: Texas, Oklahoma, New Mexico, and Georgia. There is a deadly virus that has become airborne; the most prominent symptoms are vivid audio hallucinations, and uncontrollable restlessness. We ask all of you to stay indoors while authorities handle the situation.”
Andy stood motionless as the words disappeared, and the alarm whirred back up into its “BZZRT” noises. He thought of the people in the streets, of the jazz and the rhythmic tunes that had hypnotized him just moments ago, and—
“BZZRT”
Andy looked back at the TV. The alarm continued to sound and it interrupted each of his thoughts. It came in intervals. There were three seconds between each buzz and it sounded over and over and after a few moments it became all he could think about.
“BZZRT…BZZRT…BZZRT”
Andy began to slowly tap his foot in rhythm with the alarm, and its noises began to fade into the sweet sounds that spilled in through the window until they had mingled as one, and that tune that was in Andy’s right leg spread through the rest of his body like a hot fever.
He grabbed the handle of his door and ran to the streets below.
Outside, it was ecstasy. Andy moved like he had never moved before. The lights were incredible, casting yellow glows over everything and shimmering off of bead necklaces and fancy jewelry. Exotic perfumes hung thick in the air along with the sweet smell of sweat, and body odor.
He danced with strangers, spinning and holding random people without a second thought to it. His mind was enveloped in a cloud of golden melody, and his body a bird, soaring through it as high and free as one could possibly be. He wasn’t Andy anymore, in fact, he couldn’t remember his name at all. He was one with the music, and to him, that was okay.
.
A few hours later, Andy was still jiving to the music, only a little more slowly. A few people had dropped from exhaustion, and their faces were stomped bloody by those who still had enough energy to continue.
A wall of armed men wearing hazmat suits approached from the south end of the street, and gunshots began to cut through the night. The snaps of their rifles sounded like someone playing the spoons, so Andy took it as that and danced to its tune as well. He danced all the way up until the moment that the firing squad put a bullet through his hard.
The hot pain of the bullet hole wasn’t surprising, nor was the fact the man shot him in the chest. For some reason, that made perfect sense in Andy’s mind. The only thing that really surprised him in that moment was the fact that he couldn’t move his arms anymore, and soon after he couldn’t move his legs. He sprawled backwards over the asphalt and his vision faded into blackness as he slipped into a honey sea of melodies, never again to be interrupted.
END

Earlier tonight I had a table of three men, all was well and they had ordered food and one round of drinks. After about and hour they order another round. I return with the drinks after about 10 mins (it was busy so it took awhile for me to run them. I get back and they say they have to go so I go get their bill while they start drinking their second round. Nothing seemed dire at this moment so I ask what they are getting up to after they bill out. At this point things get a little blurry cuz of panic but: they tell me the quieter man on the group is having a medical emergency and I ask what’s wrong and they say he got into a car accident and has a brain bleed from yesterday and now is experiencing stroke symptoms. I tell them we are calling an ambulance and the hostess comes over and they ask her to put a neck brace on him which had previously been hidden under the table. They then leave and drag him out instead of waiting for the paramedics to come grab him. These men also took the man who was having the emergency’s credit card and paid their bills with it. This was such a terrifying experience and I’m worried I am liable somehow. Everything seemed fine until it wasn’t. I had about 7 other tables and 2 others waiting to be greeted it was just all so much.
Will I be liable or the restaurant? I am so worried about this man and I feel so horrible that the alcohol I had served him may have caused this.

I've posted pics of my face and my body to this sub before. A lot of you agreed with me that it is very likely for me to have cushings. I'm currently very insecure about my body's fat distribution, puffiness and inflammation so these were things that I was so unhappy about but now there's something worse happening. I've lost a lot of my muscle mass in my arms and legs. I cannot carry a glass of iced water without shaking. Most of my selfies are blurry bc my hands won't stop shaking (I've lost strength). My legs are getting a lot worse too. My legs shake like crazy when I go down the stairs and I always almost fall. I need help from someone else to get all the way down. I just turned 26 and it's crazy that I'm even experiencing these symptoms. I used to be very out of shape in the pandemic to the point where I could only walk very short paths but I've become more active since 2023. Now I can go for long walks that go over an hour. It felt amazing for both mental health and physical health benefits but now when I walk for so long I get leg pain. I feel like I have enough energy to keep walking but my calves start to hurt. I used to have thick calves but they've gotten a lot smaller which is odd bc I've never had that before. My arms look so small compared to the rest of my body that someone on another subreddit accused me of editing my arm to make it look smaller which is quite ridiculous lmao. My arms and my legs are getting smaller and my face is very inflamed in an odd way despite maintaining the same weight that I've been maintaining for a year. I have not gained or have not lost weight but my face looks like Jabba the Hut bad in terms of how bad the inflammation has gotten and my belly is my widest body part while everything else looks smaller. My doctor says it's just my genes but nobody on either sides of the family gains weight like that. The women in my family are either pear shaped or hourglass, even if they're plus sized. When I was younger I was actually pear shaped and now it's changed to complete Cushings shape. To me it is horrifying. I feel like my youth was spent looking like an ogre. I've really been affected by this for almost 10 years. The endo I saw at the beginning of the year has refused to test me bc she insists that I do not have it and that I'm just not obeying her diet. I followed her diet for months but I did not lose weight. It was very strict and my primary doctor said that it felt a little restrictive but I was so desperate that I gave it a shot for a few months. Even when I lost weight in 2019, I looked thinner but still had the same fat distribution. I was at the same weight that I was in right before my cushings mightve developed (2014-2015) and I looked a lot more puffy in 2019 than I did in 2014/2015 despite being the same weight. I made an appointment to see another endo and I've had to wait for months. It's June and I have to wait until September. I was put on a cancelation list but I honestly have to keep calling every week to see if someone has canceled their appointment. I hate waiting and having to live any second longer this way. It's limiting my mobility, I get very bad fatigue so I'm always tired, the way it makes me look makes me so sad that I'd rather not try dating anyone bc I feel like this disease has me looking awful. I know that i have a pretty face but it doesnt matter when a lot of people keep reminding me that I would look better if I just dropped 90lbs. (If it wasn't for cushings and insulin resistance I would have by now lmao). People make a lot of assumptions of who I am bc of how I look and I've been called 'built bad" before. I've been single for 4 years and I'm wondering if I should keep being alone until I get my diagnosis and my surgery, possibly also spend 2 years after that recovering. I have a lot of internal work left to do anyways so I might as well. I wonder what my late teens and early 20s would have looked like if I didn't look this way. If I had more energy and didnt experience pain or shame I know all types of women and men get treated badly but I think I've faced a lot of cruel acts because of how I've looked for so long. People attacking me for my looks, just not taking me seriously bc of what I look like, and people admitting to me that they were mean to me bc of my looks. I just wanted to be treated like a regular human with feelings :(. From all of the blood work it looks it started developing at 16 and I'm now 26. I don't want to keep going on with this disease bc of the scary health issues that I've developed as hell. Please pray for me lmao

I’m ready to share this on my social media but honestly a little nervous about the backlash.
Can I get some honest feedback?
🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
Unpopular opinion: modest is not hottest
If you grew up in a controlling religion in the 90s or early 2000s, you may have heard this phrase before: modest is hottest.
If you never heard this phrase, you are in for a wild ride.
Watch 30 seconds of this women-shaming video and you’ll understand the culture I was raised in: https://youtu.be/jeiVw1X_-Lc?si=PdKwOFAw2QDTEj_D
So much cringe. I honestly can’t decide which is worst: -the entire video shames women for tattoos and clothing choices, explicitly saying they aren’t worthy of marriage -an adult thought this was worth sharing -these boys wrote and practiced this -their local church agreed so much (taught them this) that they put their name on the video and thought nothing wrong of it
Modest isn’t hottest.
Well yes, it actually is the hottest. Cover up your entire body in the summer and you might be uncomfortable. There might be health risks. You might pass out.
I know from experience.
I will never forget. I was about 5 months pregnant. I would break out in unbearable sweats any time of day. It was completely unpredictable, except that it happened a lot.
I was adamant that I was going to stay modest. I was going to keep gods commandments. I was not going to show my shoulders or wear shorts or dresses that went above my knees.
I lived in fear of living immodest. Only a few years earlier, I watched as local women in my congregation struggled with heat flashes menopause. It was expected of them to maintain their modesty through these medical health conditions. As a nurse, it bothered me. This did not seem safe. They were miserable.
So I followed their example and I struggled too. I drank plenty of water, I still got hot, sweaty and dizzy. More than a few times, I had to lay down, elevate my feet and cool off.
My husband had no problem expressing his frustration with me. I needed to wear less clothing. Who was I to risk our unborn child’s wellbeing? Who cares if my shoulders are showing? His number one concern was my safety and our unborn child’s safety.
I wouldn’t say it out loud at the time, but I perceived the situation very differently. I was staying modest but God was not blessing me for this choice. It felt like God was testing me and punishing me. How could I keep his commandments and protect my unborn child at the same time?
Why would a loving God do this to me?
Like Eve, I was forced to make a decision between two choices that contradicted each other. It wasn’t possible for me to honor God without risking my health. I had to make a choice. And after I was forced to see a cardiologist due to my symptoms, I gave up on the modesty.
I wore sleeveless tops. I wore shorter dresses.
And the hot flashes were less often and a lot more tolerable. And yet I was conflicted again.
I wasn’t hustling downtown but I was wearing immodest clothing. And it was such a moral issue for me.
Please take a moment and think about that.
My religious programming was “modest is hottest”. I made covenants that I would not bare my shoulders or wear clothing shorter than my knee.
Yet I had to do these things to maintain a healthy pregnancy.
And, as a fully grown adult, I felt guilt and shame about this.
I felt unworthy. I was shamed. I felt dirty.
And believe you me, I felt the judgement at church.
There’s no “medical exemption” for modest clothing in most religions. Just baseless, uninformed male-led judgement and questioning why God is punishing you for not being able to withstand the physical demands of the covenant.
And it’s deeply psychologically damaging. This is what led me to question my religion. I believed in the dogma so much that I was willing to risk my health and our unborn’s son health. Over the length of my sleeves. It’s embarrassing to me now that I struggled so much with that decision. It should have been an easy call.
Th health and safety of both my child and myself should have been my first priority. Not fear of God’s wrath for wearing less clothing.
I now live in Central Florida, where it is hot year round.
I am often reminding my children to dress for the weather: shorts, short sleeves, hats and often tank tops.
My four year old loves fashion. She’ll change outfits in the middle of the day just because she can. And some of the outfits she comes up with are questionable. Her favorite shirt right now is a long sleeve white shirt with black stripes. It reminds her of her favorite cartoon character.
It’s now June and it’s over 90 all day. It’s over 100 in the middle of the day. It doesn’t cool down to 95 until after dinner.
So when she comes out with shorts and this long sleeve top, I have to bargain with her to put a short sleeve or tank top on if we are going to go outside.
I frequently think about how ironic this is.
I was shamed (not by my parents, but by the church and the adults teaching me these insane “principles”) that my worth was dependent on my obedience to wearing modest clothing.
And here I am reminding my daughter it’s hot and due to safety, we need to dress appropriately.
If anyone tries to shame or sexualize my daughter, I am not hesitant to advise them where the shame belongs: on them.
Purity culture is no different. I’ll have a full blog on how damaging that teaching is and why I’m teaching my daughter (and my son) that virginity is a myth. It’s a teaching intentionally designed to damage women with the sole purpose to make men feel good about themselves.
Just like “modest is hottest”.
What other religious or cultural teachings have you outgrown or unlearned as adults?
How are you purposely raising your children differently?

To all men out there. Is it? No symptoms, pain nothing.
I’m thinking why a man would pass me chlamydia if it’s painful to have sex in the 1st place?
It’s painful right on the penis??

The hypocrisy AND audacity of Lauren from Utah is on the same level if not even more than Tom! Tom is a psychopath/sociopath by pretty much most definitions. You look at the symptoms or markers and it’s insane how many fit him, Scheana and Lauren from Utah!!!! The reunion right after Ariana found out (and called production to come back and film) was about 6 days after she found out her life was blown to pieces! She had to sit in a room with both Rachel and Tom professing their love for one another. Can you even imagine what that must of felt like? Knowing it was all going to air on national television? Ariana had zero clue how people would react because she had just found out. Tom had always been a favorite and definitely LVP favored (still does) these grown men who behave like children. There’s zero way LFU would’ve come to a reunion like that! Or Scheana! Ariana gave every bit of her privacy and more to this show. Neither of the pick me twins can say the same. The fact that Scheana makes these snide comments about Ariana being her back up dancer when in reality, Ariana went to a college for performing arts and actually can act, sing and dance must kill the likes of her and especially Tom! Tom made her so small in their relationship. I would see clips of her doing these incredibly hard to sing songs at karaoke with friends and her voice was incredible! I never understood why Tom had the band or Scheana “made” music when the talent was and has always been Ariana. Yet she supported them 110% for the last ten years!!! Even when Ariana wanted to do something on her own like Tom was doing the bars, by writing a cocktail book he flipped out about her not wanting to do it with him!!! She could never ever have something of her own whereas Tom always could and was a prick if he couldn’t have his own bars, his crappy band, etc. Tom and Tom got the offer with Lisa to join in on a restaurant when the truth was Katie grew up in that business and had more experience than anyone. Schwartz couldn’t even last one day behind a bar bartending at pump because he was overwhelmed! Ariana was as if not more talented behind the bar than Sandoval but still him and Schwartz were the people LVP wanted to do business with? Two grown lost boys with Peter Pan syndrome? LVP always stuck up for the men in VPR more than the women no matter what the reasoning. Jax included. She would make excuses for their multiple mistakes and yet with the women she wouldn’t deal with half of what the guys did. Internal misogyny like no one else. It also hasn’t helped that Andy thinks (still) that the Tom’s are funny and endearing when they act like jackholes. Whenever there were actually women of substance on they rarely would get to become a full cast member. There’s been a few I would’ve loved to have seen become full time. Dayna, Charli and a few more. I can list tons of storylines Ariana has been a part of or brought into the show. Some were really important to. Lauren from Utah? Seriously, what true storyline has she brought in? Scheana was always a pick me and we saw that for years. She at least kinda tried. LFU wanted to take on this hood like persona which was gross for many reasons. She didn’t share anything about her life till Rand came on for one season and she could pretend how rich they were! 🙄🙄🙄 I’m sorry but I think the Toms, Scheana and LFU need to get off our TV’s for good!!!!! I would love to see a show about Something about her and James’ DJ career! Let’s have a show with their real friends on it and there’s less vitriol. I enjoy seeing other women succeed! Or people like James who’s really worked hard and for years to get where he is!!!! There will always be drama but I don’t want to see the kind the others bring to the table anymore. Sorry not sorry!

When I first heard about TestoPrime, I didn't know what to think. As a guy in my thirties, I was aware of the need to keep my testosterone levels up. I was feeling the effects of lower testosterone, like losing muscle, being tired, having less interest in things, and feeling off. I wanted something that could help. TestoPrime seemed promising, claiming to help with muscle, energy, libido, mood, and brain function. This review will tell you how it went after a few months of trying TestoPrime.
Right from the start, I felt better. My energy and mood improved a lot. The formula with things like vitamin D3, B vitamins, and zinc made me hopeful. After starting, I saw my muscles get bigger and felt stronger when exercising. It was clear the supplement was raising my testosterone¹. I was also much less tired and more productive every day.
As time went by, my sex life got better, too. TestoPrime is made to boost libido and sex performance. It does this by keeping testosterone in a healthy range without making it too high. This kept me balanced and healthy sexually¹.
But something I didn't expect was better thinking. More testosterone made me clearer in the head. It helped my mood and well-being a lot¹. TestoPrime wasn't just about muscles; it was about improving my life in many ways. It really tackled the low testosterone symptoms I was feeling.

Key Takeaways

• TestoPrime provides measurable increases in muscle mass and strength.
• Contains effective ingredients like vitamin D3, vitamin B6, vitamin B5, and zinc.
• Helps maintain optimal testosterone levels for better sexual health.
• Boosts energy levels and reduces symptoms of fatigue and irritability.
• Improves mental clarity and overall mood.

Introduction to TestoPrime and Its Claims

TestoPrime is getting a lot of interest as a natural way to boost testosterone for men. Its goal is to enhance overall health and well-being. It is made from natural ingredients to help older men deal with low testosterone signs and feel more energized.

What is TestoPrime?

TestoPrime is a special product for men, boosting testosterone with 12 natural ingredients. It's seen as the top choice in a market full of testosterone boosters². This formula helps with gaining muscle, a strong metabolism, better sex, and clear thinking, showing its all-round health value².

Why Testosterone Levels Are Important

Testosterone is key for men's physical and mental health. After age 40, men start losing about 1% of their testosterone yearly². Recognizing low testosterone signs early is crucial for a good life quality. It's important for keeping muscle, energy, stable moods, and sexual health, all making a difference to well-being³. Between 2001 and 2011, there was more use of testosterone replacement therapy in the U.S., showing growing awareness of its benefits³.

How TestoPrime Works

TestoPrime shows its strength through selected natural ingredients. These work together to raise testosterone safely and effectively. They fight low testosterone symptoms by improving how the body absorbs and creates testosterone. Over 75 studies were used to create this powerful mix². It contains vital things like zinc and vitamins B6 and B12 for optimal health and testosterone boost⁴. TestoPrime is serious about health and well-being, backed by science. It aims for real changes like more muscle, better metabolism, stronger sex life, and improved thinking⁴.

TestoPrime Review: User Experiences and Ratings

Learning how users feel about TestoPrime gives us a close look at its effects. Their stories, scores, and tips shed light on this supplement's results.

Positive User Reviews

People using TestoPrime often feel better in many ways. They say they gain more muscle and strength. Some see their strength jump by 92.2%⁵.
Others talk about higher energy and sharper focus. Many notice they're losing weight, turning fat into energy better. They drop their body fat by up to 16%⁵.
Improvements in sex drive are also common. This boost is thanks to Pomegranate Extract in the formula. Half of all reviews rate TestoPrime 5 stars⁶.

Mixed Feedback and Criticisms

But, not everyone highlights only good things. About 11% give it 3 out of 5 stars, mentioning ways it could be better⁶. 7% felt the results were only okay⁶.
Then, 24% rate it the lowest, sharing their disappointments⁶. Some talk about product misjudgments and expectations not being met. Issues regarding refunds and time to see effects are main concerns.

Customer Service Experience

Opinions on TestoPrime's customer service are diverse. Many praise the quick and helpful support. They value easy and fast solutions⁶.
But, some feel the service isn't as good, mentioning slow responses and refund troubles. Understanding these comments helps future customers know what to expect⁶.

My Honest Take on TestoPrime Results

After using TestoPrime for several months, I've learned a lot. I saw a big jump in my energy levels quickly after I started⁷. This helped a lot in the gym and with my daily tasks.
I noticed my strength increase just like Darrell Dubbya and Scott Grygo⁶. They said they felt stronger and had more stamina by the time they were halfway through their second bottle. Also, my body started looking better over time. This shows TestoPrime helps with muscle and getting into shape⁷.
But, TestoPrime doesn't work the same for everyone. Andreas and Michael didn't see much change even with a healthy lifestyle and using TestoPrime for a long time⁶. My experience was better, but I did notice some downsides. Although I liked the energy and improved gym results, I did hit a point where I stopped seeing progress. This made me wonder about the long-term impact.
In the end, my review shows both the good and the not-so-good parts of TestoPrime. It does boost your energy and helps in the gym quite quickly. However, its effects on testosterone levels and muscle gains might not be the same for everyone over time⁷. Anyone thinking about trying it should know the pros and cons to make an informed decision.

FAQ

What is TestoPrime?

TestoPrime is a natural supplement that boosts testosterone. It's made for men over thirty to enhance health. It improves muscle, energy, libido, mood, and brain functions.

Why are testosterone levels important?

In men, testosterone is crucial for both physical and mental health. It's needed for strong muscles, a speedy metabolism, good sexual performance, and clear thinking. Keeping testosterone at the right levels helps men lead healthy lives as they age.

How does TestoPrime work?

TestoPrime uses natural ingredients to kickstart testosterone production. This fights signs of low testosterone like weak muscles, extra weight, low sex drive, and poor memory. It helps build muscles, raises energy, and makes men healthier overall.

What are the benefits of TestoPrime?

TestoPrime boosts muscle, cuts fat, ups energy, makes libido stronger, balances mood, and sharpens mind. It battles the drop in testosterone that comes with getting older.

What have users said about TestoPrime?

Reviews on TestoPrime are mixed. Good ones talk about gains in strength, losing weight, quick recovery, and improved sex. Others found the effects less noticeable and mentioned issues with refunds and service.

How is TestoPrime different from other testosterone boosters?

TestoPrime is unique for its natural ingredients and broad focus on male health. It improves physical, mental, and sexual well-being. And it does it without synthetic chemicals.

What has been my personal experience using TestoPrime?

Using TestoPrime, I saw better results in my workouts, more energy, improved body, mood, and daily performance. While it affects everyone differently, the gains I saw matched the promises, giving a fair view for others considering it.

Are there any side effects associated with TestoPrime?

Since TestoPrime is all-natural, side effects are low. Still, people respond differently to supplements. Talking to a doctor before trying it is wise.

How long does it take to see results with TestoPrime?

How fast TestoPrime works varies person to person. Age, lifestyle, and initial testosterone play a role. Some feel better in weeks, others need more time. But, sticking to the dose is important for results.

Source Links:

1. https://www.nrpb.org/testoprime/
2. https://muzcle.com/best-testosterone-boosters/
3. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6407704/
4. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6920068/
5. https://www.scribemedia.org/testoprime/
6. https://www.trustpilot.com/review/testoprime.com
7. https://ca.trustpilot.com/review/testoprime.com?page=2

I am very ignorant to how our medical system works.. I am not on any medications, and my only real interactions with doctors is through broken bones or emergency visits from sports or accidents.
34/male. Working, with extended benefits.and fairly active in the gym. Reading up on low T symptoms, this is something that describes me almost exactly. At least 90% of symptoms I'm reading of on reddit and your typical Google searches. Enough so that I definitely want to explore this.
I do have a primary care physician that I could talk to but I also have access to a local trt clinic.
What is my best course of action? What would you do?
The trt clinic does a complete blood work panel along side a saliva hormone test. Plus all the follow ups and adjustments etc. My physician has recently changed as the old one retired and I have zero relationship established there. No idea the quality of his practice.
If I were diagnosed and deemed that it would be if benefit.. Some questions I have for people who are on TRT.
If I use a clinic. Would the prescription be covered by extended as if it would if my pcp prescribed it?
Are clinics generally higher quality in their support? I can get into the clinic much quicker than my physician. It's currently a month to get a phone in appt with my pcp, and 6 weeks or so for in person. The clinic on the other hand is a 2 week wait list for in person appt. It appears to be a men's only health clinic. Circumcision, vasectomy, hair loss treatment, TRT, etc. Maybe this is the norm for these places? I have no idea.
All things equal in practice,, are clinics or pcp generally more desirable to use? Is it worth the wait to try and get the ball rolling with my pcp and see what they can do?
If I start with a clinic, am I stuck? I feel like it would make it much more difficult to get it through my pcp in the future. But maybe not?
Anyone diagnosed with low T, get on trt and then decide they dislike it? What has the journey been like? Did you come off? Do you feel trapped on it? We're you offered HCG and did you take it or no?
I mostly just want to go about it all the most reccomended way by people who have been there. I dont know yet if I am a candidate. I came across the symptom list one day and had a "Holy ****, all of those are what I struggle with..." moment and want to pursue it. Just want to be prepared and know what I'd be getting into if I am diagnosed..

Disgust is a feature of the behavioral immune system that in its core form aims to reduce participation in situations posing disease risks. Disgust is associated with a distinctive facial expression, avoidance, nausea, reduced heart rate etc.
Sexual disgust is a form of disgust that protects the individual from engaging in sexual contacts, which have increased risk of disease transmission. Sexual disgust also protects against sexual responses that are detrimental to reproduction, like those involving close relatives, same sex persons etc. Disgust has an inhibitory effect on sexual response.
Humans perform facial expression very similar to distaste responses when they feel disgust. Recognition of face expression of disgust is universal among cultures. Disgusted facial expressions are contagious.
In a study by Crosby et al. 225 women and men nominated over 2,300 unique items that they considered sexually disgusting across a variety of different contexts. Among the 6 most nominated categories were same sex attractions. Sexual disgust is higher among women, children and decreases with age.
In women, progesterone increases disgust and it has been proposed that this is mediated by the immune suppression caused by progesterone. Another proposal is that immunosuppression due to stress also increases disgust sensitivity.
Disgust causes increased body temperature, Tumor Necrosis Factor Alpha, albumin.
Sexual disgust to homosexual sex is higher in individuals with higher disgust sensitivity.
In experiments on heterosexual men “[salivary alpha-amylase] (sAA) responses to images of same-sex kissing…and universally disgusting images…were significantly greater than sAA responses to the slide show depicting everyday items. This result held across the full sample, regardless of individual levels of prejudice. The results… suggest that all individuals, not just highly sexually prejudiced individuals, may experience a physiological response indicative of stress when witnessing a male same-sex couple kissing”. Would same-sex couples react the same to heterosexual kissing?
Disgust is something people with same sex attractions may experience when they have their first same sex attractions, especially if they are heterosexual at the time. Disgust motivates some of them to ask for conversion therapy. As homosexuality continues, disgust decreases due to habituation. Nevertheless, promiscuity and anal sex practiced by a lot of homosexual men may perpetuate the feeling of disgust.
When disgust is reflected on the self, shame ensues.
Pride events aim to decrease this shame felt by homosexuals and the sexual disgust felt by heterosexuals. But differently from real phobias which are fear based, homophobia is disgust based, and as such much more difficult to habituate than fear.
Sources:

• Crosby et al., Six dimensions of sexual disgust; 2020: https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0191886919306543.
  
• Van Leeuwen et al., Disgust sensitivity relates to attitudes toward gay men and lesbian women across 31 nations; 2022: https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/13684302211067151.
  
• Ching et al., Disgust sensitivity mediates the link between homophobia and sexual orientation obsessive-compulsive symptoms; 2021: https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/16506073.2020.1861083https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/16506073.2020.1861083.
  

I have a lot of religious trauma from growing up in the church, and being a member in my early twenties. As part of processing that trauma I talk about specific instances in therapy (like the dude saying women don't have the RIGHT to avoid the man at church who openly harasses them because it's a single ward and everyone is supposed to get married so we need to hang out with him until someone bites the bullet and marries him and then he'll go to married ward and not be our problem, or like instances of being ostracized for being different because I'm autistic but wasn't diagnosed until I left the church). I just had to start seeing a new therapist and I've only been seeing her for a couple months at most. Im moving out of state soon so I don't want to try and find a new therapist again here before I leave. I haven't directly asked if she is a member (I'm in Utah), because I expect her to be able to be professional enough to set her personal feelings about the church aside during my sessions. The one time I've brought up how horrible I think the church is, and was talking about a lot of instances where I was treated poorly by church members acting on behalf of the church, she responded with a personal story about a relief society president judging her for going to AA, and then one where she talked about a loving and supportive bishop, and she ended with so good Mormons do exist. I gathered from the stories she's inactive but either still believes, or at least still has a lot of respect for the church as a whole. I already know not every member of the church is bad. I have never said every member of the church is bad. I said the church itself is bad, and many members are bad, and even more members look the other way at the bad things so they can keep focused on their faith in the church, because allowing themselves to see the bad things the church and its members do means they might question their faith. I never said all members are bad, and the fact that instead of processing the emotional ramifications of the abuse I've been through, she is trying to get me to focus on the fact that good members do exist is super unprofessional and not at all helpful. It's like when women are discussing abuse from men, and then men try to derail the conversation with "not all men" are bad. I do not like this therapist and I don't really feel comfortable there because she keeps trying to lead and direct the flow of therapy where she thinks it needs to go instead of letting me talk about what I need and want to talk about, and everytime I pause mid sentence to think of how to phrase what I'm saying next, or to fully think through where this train of thought is going, she interrupts me with question after question after question trying to pull me into talking about what she wants to focus on instead, until I lose my train of thought. I have already told her to stop doing that, and she hasn't. I wrote out a detailed list of what I need her to stop doing, and what she needs to do instead (because maybe if she has it spelled out how to change instead of just what to stop it will help) and I hope she is willing to listen. I don't want relatable personal stories from her life or her other clients lives (to help me realize I'm not alone). I especially don't want stories trying to get me to focus on the fact that good Mormons exist so I'm not allowed to focus on and process my trauma. When I started seeing this therapist, the receptionist told me she knows EMDR (for my PTSD), and she doesn't, she knows ART which she has described as similar because it still uses bilateral stimulation, but instead of focusing on processing the trauma you try and imagine what if things had happened differently and not been traumatic. She suggested I use this for my upcoming move because I'm going to be moving back with my family because I haven't been able to support myself, and even though my family has been nothing but traumatic to me, they are my only option of where to go rn other than being homeless. I asked if we could focus on building my mental reserve to handle the upcoming trauma, and she suggested I do ART to imagine that it won't be traumatic. I told her that won't help because when I get there and it is traumatic it will be even harder to cope with because I allowed myself to believe it wouldn't be traumatic. She then suggested we focus on trying to make a plan for getting a new therapist and tapping into resources when I get there. I told her I have already done that and again emphasized that I want to try and build my mental reservoir to handle the upcoming trauma. She agreed we could do that and then still kept trying to lead the session to focus on things she thought would be more important, but that I am capable of managing outside of therapy, and that I am already managing outside of therapy. It is really frustrating, but it's isn't worth starting over again for a couple weeks/a couple months before I move. Like I said I have a list prepared to talk to her about what I need in therapy, but I'm not looking forward to that conversation because she keeps agreeing to what I say I need and then not changing at all. I'm almost at the point where I'd stop going, and the office canceled all my future appointments randomly for no apparent reason, so I had to reschedule them and some of my normal times had been taken already. This therapy office is a shit show (receptionist lying about the therapist knowing EMDR, and canceling my appointments, and my therapist's general inability to not be the center of attention in the therapy session/be the one leading and directing the therapy session, so she refuses to allow me to talk about what I need and want to talk about) and if I didn't know I need someone to talk to, because being alone and talking to no one is worse I'd just quit therapy until I move. If things get any worse with this therapist I might do that, but I don't want to be already as depressed and anxious as I can handle before I move back in with my family. They use any depressive symptoms on my part as fuel to target me and tell me I am the problem in the family so I should basically just k!ll myself and make everyone else's lives easier. I'm not exactly looking for advice in this situation, mostly looking for support and validation.

I think I might be in a unique position to respond to the Astral Codex Ten critique of IFS and Bob Falconer’s book for several reasons:

• I have read and admired Slate Star Codex for years
• I have worked with Bob Falconer in the past as a patient / client of his
• I have read both No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz and The Others Within Us by Robert Falconer

The reason I am taking the time to write and post this response online is not to score internet points. 2 years ago, I was in a very dark place and found IFS through social media and, later, discovered the paradigm of unattached burdens and Bob Falconer’s work on Reddit. These two findings saved my life, so before too much damage is done by the original critique via ACX, I want to send up a flare here for anyone who might be desperate and need help understanding what might be happening to them if it does not fit into the traditional mental health paradigms in their respective cultures.
I’ll start with my own journey.
[This is a burner account, because I don’t want to be harassed in this forum. But also, I can only give so much detail about my mental health history without doxing myself. Since Scott was wrongly doxed, I hope this is understood with empathy.]
I was raised in an abusive Southern household in the US and attended an abusive Pentecostal church for many years. Later, when I was old enough, I escaped both the home and the church. I became atheist and, later, agnostic. To heal from all of this, for 20 years, I attended therapy across 8 different therapists.
However, I began experiencing symptoms that could not be explained by cognitive behavior therapy or the Western model of the mind. These are the anecdotes I cannot share without doxing, so I will only state I thought I was going crazy.
I got so desperate that I went to South America to drink ayahuasca with shamans. While there was a lot of talk by the shamans and the other participants about spirits, my favorite thing about shamanism–real shamanism–is that it is based on experience rather than belief. I was having trouble suspending my protectiveness against any more spirit talk like the kind that I was raised around in the abusive church. However, a mentor there in the jungle encouraged myself and everyone there to experience the truth first and leave the rest. So, that’s what I did. I committed to not believing anything I was told and only experience what I could firsthand.
During my integration period back home, a series of synchronicities led me to finding out about Internal Family Systems (IFS) online. Reading No Bad Parts did more for me and my mental health than 20 years of talk therapy. That sounds hyperbolic but it’s not. I want to say it again for anyone who needs to read/hear it:
Reading No Bad Parts did more for me and my mental health than 20 years of various modalities of talk therapy.
I have since switched therapists to someone who is a trainer of other therapists for IFS, and finally have a paradigm that can relate to my upbringing in the church, my experiences with plant medicine (and meditation), and the crises that got me so desperate in the first place.
Then, things got weirder. The more mentally healthy I got, the more extreme/polarized some parts of me grew. The cleaner my interior got, the more obvious it was when something was still not right spiritually…
Eventually, I searched online for more context and found the concept of unattached burdens. Later, here on Reddit, I found a small group of people discussing Bob Falconer and his work.
[For context, Bob is booked out months in advance and only does one-off sessions meant to supplement the main work being done by one’s more regular therapist.]
People often say that ayahuasca is like doing 10 years of therapy. I remember telling my wife that each of the sessions I did with Bob was like that, too.
My experience: 1 unburdening session = 10 years of talk therapy = ayahuasca retreat.
So, what was going on?
I now know that the phenomena I was (and still am) experiencing could be labeled as a shamanic initiatory illness or kundalini awakening. However, if I had been in the wrong mental health paradigm, my spiritual emergence would have been labeled a spiritual emergency.
Speaking now mainly to Scott, I am reaching out here today, because if I had believed the model put forth in your critique, I could have ended up in a mental institution, numbed out on medication, homeless, suicidal, or, even worse, hurting others.
The Men in the Arena
My biggest issue with the critique is that it offers criticisms without solutions.
Theodore Roosevelt's "The Man in the Arena" comes to mind. Dick Schwartz and Bob Falconer are not perfect people–if my experience in the church taught me one thing, it’s to not follow people. But both therapists have put a lot on the line in terms of reputation. And there is a cost to people like me who could be hurt by mental health professionals using the wrong paradigm.
So, let’s be like the shamans in the jungle: experience the truth firsthand, take what we need and leave the rest.
You wrote, “So I want to take on the task Falconer avoids, and try to provide a boring materialistic explanation of all of this.” However, I did not read a paradigm that could contain and explain in a helpful and healing way the experience of things that would be called spirits.
Why not?
How would you help someone who has disturbing, irrational fears they later learned were tied to evil acts their ancestors did in the past?
How would you help someone who had no belief in reincarnation but later experiences extremely traumatic “memories” from other lives in time periods where they have never been?
If you were being helpful instead of only critical, how would you relate to someone like me?
As I was reading your critique, I kept asking, “What model could you put forth that could both contain and explain my experience?”
Entities and Spirits vs. “demons”
The very last footnote in your entire article is a single sentence:
“I have skipped over some of his discussion of “guides”, ie benevolent spirits that can sometimes be encouraged/summoned to help the patient.”
Why? Why skip over the positive, healing, helpful aspects of this paradigm?
One of the longest chapters of the books is literally titled “Guides and Discernment”!
Did you write this and omit the rest just because “demons” would get more clicks, or was there some less nefarious and well-intentioned reason to not include such a large % of the book?
The concept of not only positive but also neutral entities comes up many, many times throughout the course of the book. So, why not include that, too?
If someone else read only your article but not The Others Within, would they get an accurate representation of IFS, the book, the author, etc.?
By discussing entities and spirits, which does include demonic possession, this book tries to validate the lived experience of people in many cultures that don’t fit into our Western model of the mind.
Instead, this critique feels like an explorer (Bob) came back with a bunch of drawings and taxidermy, and you are repeatedly asking if the platypus is real, all while trying to discredit the rest of the work in the process.
Consciousness > matter vs. Matter > consciousness
To continue the exploration analogy, most people in human history had a flat earth paradigm. This was because those people and most everyone they knew (and most everyone they knew) were born, lived, and then died all within just a few miles of each other. So, their experience did not need to include the solar system and the movement of the planets, because their incomplete and ignorant paradigm contained and explained enough.
However, as travel became more widespread, it became necessary to look at reality (watching the movement of stars in the sky) and then update that paradigm to include the edge cases of some people’s experiences.
This nuance is important:
By learning and then teaching the earth was round, the people with a flat earth experience lost nothing. However, the people with a round earth experience gained something. Win-win (or neutral-win).
The flat earth model cannot contain and explain the round earth model.
However, the round earth model contains and explains everything real in the flat earth model.
Which paradigm contains and explains the other? That question is how we discern which paradigm is true.
I believe the same thing is happening in the real final frontier–consciousness.
The daily lived experience of most people includes what they think about that they can see, hear, and feel. Those folks are born, live, and die very “close” in their minds to where they came into this lifetime.
But then there are explorers of the mind via meditation and travelers via the use of psychedelics. There are even accidental, involuntary refugees of consciousness like those who have near death experiences or are being diagnosed with schizophrenia. The materialism model cannot contain and explain the “everything is consciousness”- or “everything is spirit”-first models. However, the reverse does work. Matter > consciousness = does not work
Consciousness > matter = does work
Therefore, we need an updated model of mind that can contain and explain

• People with mental health issues like schizophrenia which are not being helped with current models and medications
• Near death experiences
• DMT entities (e.g. people from all walks of life experiencing and seeing the same beings, even with little to cultural input or prior knowledge)

One of the most startling and surprising ideas from the book was that schizophrenia could be a spiritual problem first and a mental health issue second.
If you were a world traveler about to board a ship 400 years ago, would you rather board a ship being navigated by a captain who knew the earth was round or believed the earth was flat?
Bob (via this book) and Dick (via IFS) are in fact offering a net new paradigm that attempts to contain and explain our material world.
Are they perfect people? No one is.
Are their books perfect? Of course not.
Do you have a better paradigm? If so, I am genuinely open to it if you can help me and people like me.
My choice is to board a ship with someone navigating a round earth.
My choice is to explore and heal my mind with the help of someone who is willing to address all of me, starting with my spirit first.
Descriptive vs. prescriptive
The current model of psychiatry and psychology that I have experienced is prescriptive about reality. In this way, it prescribes points of view like “spirits should not exist,” “demons are not real,” “guides are imaginary,” etc.
Instead, parts work via Internal Family Systems is descriptive. People naturally talk about parts of themselves. People all over the world experience spirits, ancestors, previous/other lives, etc. If Bob’s book is wrong, what is a model that is both descriptive and healing for patients?
Tone
Finally, Scott, I have to address the tone of the article and critique:
“The book has a foreword by Richard Schwartz, the inventor of IFS, where he basically endorses it.” This sentence feels written in bad faith for two reasons:

• Literally the first sentence of the foreword and the book is Dick Schwartz writing about his fears around the book
• Later, in 5+ (10+?) sections throughout the entire book, Bob Falconer clearly calls out where he is going beyond the accepted boundaries of IFS, Dick Schwartz, etc.

Again, I have read your work for years. For example, your Non-Libertarian FAQ and the fishing example is something I have forwarded many, many times and think about often.
In the past, when I have agreed with your work and your words, your sassy tone got a “you go girl” from me. Now, though, just like watching both sides of the 2 party system in the US tear each other apart with tribalism, I am (once again) finding how toxic that can be.
Now that I am on the receiving end of this debate, your tone feels especially painful and acerbic. Not helpful.
Reading you try to take down someone as well-intentioned as Bob and your colleagues who practice IFS, I realize just how damaging this tone and point of view can be.
Asks
So, to anyone who is reading this, please just experience the truth for yourself:

• When you go inside, does it always feel like there is only one of you? Or are there other parts?
  
• Read No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz
  
• Read The Others Within by Robert Falconer
  
• Find an Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist either remotely or in person
  

Then, experience the truth for yourself.
You are not alone.
Finally, to Scott, as your fan, I just ask that you remember “with great power comes great responsibility.” When it comes to therapy, you wield tremendous influence. You can make an impactful difference here.
Please

• Trade sessions with an IFS therapist to experience it yourself firsthand
• Attend an IFS training or two to take what you need and leave the rest
• Reach out to Dick and/or Bob for 1:1 discussion. (An interview would be amazing to read/watch/listen to…)
• Revise your critique with more thoughtful criticisms and update your models to be helpful to those people like me who may come across this one day

Much love and respect,
Anon

Jag har i min ungdom fått skäll av läkare för att jag inte åkt till sjukhuset när jag skadat mig. Jag försöker därför vara ansvarstagande och ringa 1177 om jag inte är säker på att mina krämpor är normala och jag gör samma sak rörande mitt barn.
Jag har alltid tänkt att 1177 ska vara som en sorts grindvakt som håller friska människor ifrån akuten, men det slog mig att jag alltid blivit skickad till akuten av dem varje gång jag ringt. Min journal har blivit en hypokondrikers journal och ibland märker jag på personalen att de undrar vad jag gör där. Idag när jag var där sa sjuksköterskan rakt ut att jag fått fel information.
Jag förstår att det är bättre att gå dit en gång för mycket än en gång för lite, men det finns ju gränser.
Har ni någonsin ringt 1177 utan att bli hänvisade till akut/vc?
Edit: När jag läst igenom alla svar och kommit över besvikelsen över att ha varit på akuten i onödan igår så kan jag lägga till följande.
Jag är otursförföljd vad gäller hälsa (på ett väldigt privilegierat sätt). Många gånger jag har varit på akuten har det varit för att jag haft symptom som liknat allvarliga sjukdomar men som berott på något helt annat.
Jag är fortsatt präglad av min uppväxt där man inte ska belasta det allmänna i onödan vilket är osunt. Det känns förjävla onödigt att åka till akuten när man fått en kyss av väggutaget för när jag växte upp gjorde ingen det. Jag förstår att man inte ska tänka så. Detta har jag lyckligtvis inte tillämpat på mitt barn utan bara på mig själv.
Slutligen har jag aldrig tänkt sluta ringa 1177 eller inte lyssna på dem. Det är en bra tjänst för sådana som mig för annars hade jag suttit hemma med ett hål genom benet och väntat på att VC öppnade som farsan. Ibland har det dock hänt att de skickar mig till akuten på grund av anledningar som går emot vad alla läkare sagt, antagligen för att de skjutit från höften. Det är naturligt att det blir så eftersom de vill hålla nere väntetiderna, men det är tråkigt att det händer. Ingen är perfekt.

It’s like I have this ability to tell if somebody is autistic (especially men) just by observing them, their behaviors, and the way they interact and speak to me. I’ve been doing this way before I got diagnosed as autistic and after doing tons of research about autistic traits it became more and more obvious to me when I notice people displaying autistic characteristics, even if they haven’t been diagnosed or never suspected it. For some reason, it is easier for me to notice autistic traits in men than in women, from their bodily gestures to how they interact with me. I guess it’s because men are less likely to “mask” their symptoms making their autism more noticeable, and women are more likely to hide their symptoms or present it differently than men do, which makes it more difficult for them to get diagnosed. Sometimes I can tell if certain women are autistic or displaying autistic traits but it is easier for me to spot it in men. I don’t know if anyone else does this, but let me know your thoughts.

After reading the content of this subforum, I was motivated to see what I could achieve by giving up my regular doses of antibiotics and focusing on physical therapy. It turns out this worked quite well so far. Below are the things that helped me especially.

• Reading “A Headache in the Pelvis”: This described my condition perfectly, and being authored by a graduate student at Stanford under the supervision of a professor of Urology, had enough credibility that I started paying attention. After reading, I started touching my trigger points and noticed that after they were touched, the pain was diminished for a while. This demonstrated to me that I could control the pain, and not just by not doing things that triggered it and made it worse (like masturbation). Feeling in control after 2 years of trying out various antibiotics without success, is a truly amazing feeling.
• Giving up antibiotics: I wanted to see if there were any bacteria in my urine and semen samples that warranted antibiotics, believing that it’s possible that I could both have pelvis floor dysfunction (muscle issue) and a potential infection (bacterial issue). After a little over a week of being off antibiotics, I did the tests and everything came back negative (no surprise). After years of being on antibiotics, my system is probably nuked of many bacteria. Once I gave these up, the pain flared quite substantially, and I had some of my worst days ever. But it got better over time and now I no longer need to worry about what I’m doing to my body by taking antibiotics, which is a huge psychological relief.
• Quercetin: I found believable studies (search for Shoshkes and quercetin) that this helps with inflammation (in much the same way that taking antibiotics helped with inflammation and helped me feel better). I take 600mg twice a day, with bromelain. I’ve tried to stop taking it twice, and the pain flares after a few days, so for now, I’m still taking it. Once the pain goes down to zero for a longer period, I hope to stop.
• My physiotherapist: I was lucky enough to find a therapist specialized in pelvic floor therapy, who had 12 years experience with just this in both men and women. Most of our sessions consisted of 30% talk and 70% dry needling. I think the talk actually helped more than the dry needling (and will test that out now since I’ve moved cities). Specifically, she helped me understand that my pain is in the ligaments in the pelvic muscles, the same ligaments where sperm travels during ejaculation. We believe these ligaments hurt due to bad posture, specifically a weak transveral abdominal muscle whose primary job is to stabilize the body. Due to this bad posture, other muscles compensated to stabilize the body and now ache due to being misused. To fix, we need to strengthen the stabilizing muscle and transform the body to a healthy, natural state of being. I started a training program at the gym where I now dedicate an entire day/week to core strength (mostly calisthenics exercises). She insisted the pelvis is neutral (as opposed to flat on the floor or otherwise supported during these exercises). I’ve realized my core is weaker than average during the yoga classes I’ve taken and believe that specific core exercises at the gym will help. She also explained that I hurt more in cold weather because the muscles tighten more in cold weather. I hurt more when I sit because the muscles are tight and crunched when I sit. Same for being anxious or stressed. The overall takeaway is to return the muscles and ligaments to their normal, strong, and healthy function through regular exercises with maybe some impulse to speed things up (like dry needling).
• Vegan diet, lower in carbs: I understand this is a contentious topic, but for whatever reason I always have pain flares after eating meat or heavy meals. I feel lighter and better when eating a plant-based diet. However, I’ve noticed that eating lots of grains/carbs leads to agitation so I’ve been trying to eat more nuts/beans and less grains and found that helps settle the mind (and the muscles too). In practice, lots of beans, nuts and vegetables with a little fruit and grains (and nothing processed beyond tofu or hemp protein). This is what works for my pain, I’m not advocating it for everyone or for the health of the planet or animal welfare. Maybe you can try it and it helps you too.
• Near zero masturbation and only sex, preferably in active positions: Understanding the problem is in the ligaments and the tightness of the overall muscles/ligaments in the groin area, I realized that whenever I masturbate there’s a whole lot more tightness in those muscles. For whatever reason, I end up pulling more and I feel the muscles are tighter during masturbation than during sex. Even during sex, if the girl is on top, the muscles are scrunched together more than if I’m on top or in a position where the body has to move in a natural way (as opposed to collapsing and mostly laying there). This makes a big difference in the pain symptoms, when I’m able to practice it correctly. I actually feel this helped the most out of everything.

After 3 months of gradual improvement, I’ve had periods of one or two days where the pain was barely perceptible. My flares (usually triggered by masturbation) are still bad, but they last less than before. My pain also feels differently, more in the muscle of the leg and less in the groin (in other words, it moved, which my physiotherapist sees as a good sign). I tried doing trigger point release at the beginning but found that it mostly flared my symptoms and have stopped doing it. I have no “daily practice” to manage the pain, beyond taking quercetin . The core workouts, healthy diet and natural sex I would hope to do regardless if I have this pain, and I see things improving. I hope it continues.
I’d like to thank those who posted their experiences, as that was the impetus to make the change in my life. I hope this post helps others make a change in their lives.

The day it all happened I was in a bar. It was 11.30am, and it was a Tuesday. I'd left my girlfriend and went for a quick drink, or so I'd told her. I'd been feeling down a lot recently. She was always busy with her friends or work, and never had time for me. I'm not trying to excuse my actions, but I needed something to make myself feel good. I had planned on going home early, but that was before I saw her. She was sitting alone at the end of the bar, sipping her white wine. We started talking and she made me laugh. I can't remember how long we were talking, but it seemed like ages. At the time, I'd forgotten about the rest of the world, I was so caught up in our conversation.
Then it happened.
All of a sudden, the bartender dropped a glass, shattering it across the floor. "Watch it!" he shouted at a customer, who'd accidentally bumped into him. Then, he threw the towel he'd been holding onto the counter, and went over to the customer and punched him in the face. It all happened so quickly, I didn't have time to react. The customer stood up, his nose bleeding. He walked towards the bartender and hit him back, knocking him into the wall. A full on fight ensued, as two other men from the crowd joined in. They were throwing punches, and pushing each other to the ground.
The woman I'd been talking to looked scared, and started backing away from the bar.
"What the hell?" she said, her voice wavering.
I stood up, and held her hand. "Come on, let's get out of here."
I led her out of the bar and back to the street. She had a look of terror on her face. I had to calm her down, she looked like she was going to have a panic attack.
"It's ok, I'm here." I told her. "Are you okay?"
She took a deep breath and nodded.
"What was that all about?" she asked.
I shrugged. "I have no idea. Maybe it's stress or something. There's a lot of that going around right now."
Just then, the sound of sirens rang through the air. People were walking quickly by, looking at their phones, trying to find out what was happening. We followed the crowd and ended up in front of a large electronics store. It was closed.
"Do you have your phone?" she asked me.
I checked my pockets, but it wasn't there. I'd left it at the bar.
"Damn, no. I forgot it."
"Shit." she said, and pulled out her own.
The screen was flashing and beeping, and the words "Emergency Broadcast" were displayed.
"Oh no." she said, her face turning white.
I peered over her shoulder at the screen. It read:
Attention citizens. There has been a breach in the security at the local military base. If you see anyone acting strangely or displaying symptoms of the following, report it to the authorities immediately.
Symptoms:

• Bleeding or bruising from the mouth and nose
  
• Loss of consciousness
  
• Increased heart rate
  
• Increased body temperature
  
• Hallucinations
  
• Involuntary movement
  

"What does that mean?" I asked her.
"I have no idea." she replied, her voice shaking.
Suddenly, a scream came from the end of the street. I turned and saw a man running down the sidewalk. He was covered in blood, and screaming at the top of his lungs. A group of people was following him, chasing after him.
"Stay back!" he yelled. "It's not safe! They're coming!"
He ran around a corner and the crowd disappeared.
"He said they're coming. Who's coming?" asked the woman.
"I have no idea. We need to get to the police or someone to help us. Let's get somewhere secure."
We started walking towards the police station when a large group of people appeared around the corner, running towards us. They were screaming and shouting. They were completely out of their minds. The street was filled with men and women, young and old. Some were in bloody clothes, while others were completely naked.
"Run!" the woman screamed.
I grabbed her arm and we both ran for cover. We rounded the corner and started sprinting down the street, dodging past people and cars. Everything was a blur as we ran for our lives. After what felt like an eternity, we reached the police station. The front door was open and a small group of people were running inside. We followed them inside and found ourselves in a crowded lobby. The officer at the desk was yelling into the phone.
"Yes! There's rioting! Send backup now!"
Another officer came out from behind the desk and shouted over the chaos.
"Everyone needs to calm down! The military is sending a convoy to help us secure the city! Just hold tight!"
But people weren't listening. They continued to yell and scream, fighting against each other to get out of the station. I noticed a few people had bruises and cuts from the crowd.
I felt someone grab my arm. It was the woman I'd been with. She looked at me and shook her head.
"I'm scared." she said, her voice trembling.
Then she fell to the ground, crying. I reached down and held her in my arms.
"It's gonna be alright. I'm here. I won't let anything happen to you."
People were still pushing and shoving their way towards the exit, oblivious to us. I held onto her tightly, not wanting to lose her in the chaos. The sirens outside got louder, until they stopped altogether. I looked through the windows and saw a convoy of military vehicles pull up outside. Soldiers rushed into the station, their guns drawn.
They began shouting orders to the crowd.
"Calm the fuck down! Everyone calm down and leave through the rear entrance! This is not a request, this is an order! Anyone caught rioting or acting violently will be shot on sight! Go through the back, through the alleys, to the designated safe area! No more resistance, this is not a threat, this is a fact, now move, move, move!"
The crowd slowly filed out of the station, and we joined them.
My ears were ringing from the sirens and gunshots, but I did my best to keep moving. There were so many people, and we were forced to keep close together as the crowd funneled down a narrow alleyway. The city was in chaos. Smoke rose from buildings and car alarms blared. Gunshots and screams were everywhere.
We followed the throng of people down the alley until they reached a roadblock.
"This is as far as we can go." a soldier said. "Follow the crowd down this way and find a shelter. Don't wander around on your own, stay in groups if you can. Stay safe."
I looked at the woman and nodded. "C'mon, let's keep moving."
The crowd parted and we pushed through to the front. We soon found ourselves on a road full of burnt out cars and debris. The roadblock was full of soldiers, who directed us towards a football stadium.
The smell of smoke hung in the air as we walked through the streets. I wondered what could've started it all, and why it had ended so quickly.
When we reached the stadium it was full of people, all looking for their loved ones. I scanned the faces, hoping to see my girlfriend. I looked back towards the entrance and saw an old man and woman being helped down from a trolley bus. The lady had a bandage around her head, and her husband had blood on his face. The lady was clutching a broken arm. They hobbled their way slowly to a makeshift aid station. A soldier guided them towards the rest of the wounded.
"Grandma! Grandpa!" a small girl cried out and ran to them. She threw her arms around the woman and hugged her tightly.
A feeling of relief rushed over me, I was so happy they were alive. But at the same time, I couldn't help but think about my own girlfriend. Where was she?
People were sitting on the ground, crying. Others, stood, shell-shocked, looking around. A few people were trying to make small talk, despite everything. They were looking for ways to take their minds off the situation, to cope.
A bus was parked in the middle of the park and there were lines of people waiting in front of it.
"Are you hungry? Do you have any food?" a woman asked me, pushing her child in front of me.
"No, sorry, I don't," I replied, surprised at the desperation in her voice. "I don't have anything."
I looked at the queue, wondering if that was where the line was to get some free food. A woman in a white apron behind a stand marked "First Aid" tried to calm the crowd, raising her voice above the din.
"Everyone, please! Settle down, the military will have more help coming shortly! But for now we're out of supplies and the situation will only worsen if you don't control yourselves!"
Just then, another truck pulled up on the edge of the field. It had a green cross painted on the side of it and the word "Medicine" on the doors. My heart swelled with hope as several officers jumped out, carrying duffel bags of equipment, and headed straight to the medical tent.
"It's the supplies, everyone! It's the supplies they promised us!" someone in the back yelled.
The crowd began pushing and shoving each other again, and the woman and her kid that had spoken to me before was lost in the wave of people running forward, trying to get to the medicine. I tried to find them, to help, but I couldn't see them. There were so many people crowding around the truck, scrambling for the parcels of food and water and blankets that had spilled out.
I looked around at the field and at all the frightened and desperate people. Some were hurt and injured. Others were shell-shocked. Children were crying and their parents didn't know how to comfort them.
I knew there had been an outbreak of some sort, that the military had been evacuating the city. What I didn't understand is why the city had come to such a state of disarray in just one day.
A gunshot rang out and people screamed. It was followed by another, then several more. I ducked and covered my head. People around me started running, but I could see them lying on the ground. More gunshots and screams filled the air. Then, there was an eerie silence.
I stood up and slowly turned around, taking in the carnage. Bodies littered the ground, some missing limbs. I stepped carefully over the lifeless bodies of the fallen and made my way towards the exit of the stadium.
As I neared the gate I saw a group of soldiers guarding it. One was checking a man for weapons while another was wrapping a tourniquet around his leg. The other three were standing by a stack of rifles, preparing to re-load. I looked closer at the man with the bandaged leg and recognized him as the soldier that was on the news not long ago, telling us that the rioters had been dealt with and it was now safe to return to our homes. He had also assured us that the city would get back to normal soon.
"Clear!" the other soldier yelled, checking his weapon before handing it back to its owner. The soldier limped out the gate and was gone.
I tried to run, but my feet felt heavy and sluggish. The soldiers were getting closer, their guns drawn. They were shouting at me, their voices faint in my ears.
I turned to try and flee when a shot rang out and pain exploded in the back of my head.

• End -

Hi everyone, I’m currently a post-graduate student, and I will graduate with a Master of Business Administration and Master of Public Health in 2 years. My undergraduate degree was in Public Health. I was unsure which specialty exactly I wanted to focus on when I first chose this field of study, and vaguely considered either epidemiology or healthcare administration. But I’ve since lost my mother partially due to her cardiovascular issues being misdiagnosed as menopause symptoms, and I’ve finally been diagnosed with endometriosis after over a decade of suffering.
I’ve become passionate about the many inequities women face in the healthcare system, including female-specific conditions such as endometriosis being under-researched and thus having ineffective treatments, women often having health concerns dismissed by professionals, and struggling to get accurate diagnoses due to the popularized symptoms for everything from ADHD to heart attacks being those men experience.
I’ve decided that the ultimate goal of my career in healthcare will be to help reduce these inequities, but I’m not sure which path to go down after I graduate to accomplish this. I’m considering pursuing a PhD to do more research, but I’m not sure if it’s worth it. Does anyone have insight or advice on whether research, academia or policy would have the greatest impact, or any recommendations for specific organizations or career paths I could look into?