There is SO much through those horrible 11 years. But the last 2.5 have truly been the hardest, mostly because I am just EXHAUSTED to the point....I don't even usually bother fighting against a single thing/become comfortable as the door matt.
What did me in, is he owes my grandmother $3k for HIS HALF of unpaid debt to her. They are currently (under my dumb stupid blessing) are letting him rent what is my family's home they are leaving to me when they die for a whooping $600 a month. S I X HUNDRED. 3br 1bth huge fenced back and front yard. 3 porches. Huge attached garage. $600.......
He knew it was only a 6 month agreement. And that either I would be retaking my home, or the rent would be raised to $1000, as i would be taking $600 of it monthly and planned to use it towards a rental of my own. (My family and i truly helped him willingly, so he at least had 6 months to get on his feet.) I on the other hand, was fortunate enough to have my recently divorced bff of 25 years with an open room in her home, badabingbadaboom.
Truthfully, I was basically forced out of my house before I had a say. It wasn't my first choice to leave every bit if furniture/my daughter's bedroom set/ect...THAT I ALONE have purchased throughout the years, to my floppy meatsuit of an ex manchild who's idea of "hard labor" is mowing a lawn..but it was my ONLY choice. (That's another story for another day, lol. This one's long enough)
Anyways the 6 months is up, and it had come time to go forward with what was already previously understood as to happen...I should have seen it coming, given that he suddenly started to attempt far more communication (our child being his perfect excuse to disguise what was really going on....
.....and then THIS MF-ER...MAN.... My grandmother tells me on my way out after stopping by for breakfast, that my ex had told her unless they lower the rent for him, he won't pay the 3k debt from TWO years ago now (he promised as soon as he got his tax return, he would pay it) but now he'd need it to find another rental property......this 33 year old man....telling this to My sweet and kind grandmother, who is the a matriarch to my family mind you, she has basically RAISED this 33 year old brat since his infanthood (since he was 22 years old!). ~His parents were 2.5 hours away, his dad is an attorney in some podunk hillbilly town, and his mom is all the worst parts of the gossipy church women put together. They only cared about his younger sister and her two children, lol. So.~
I was floored. I told her something along the lines of "uhhhh I'm pretty sure that's a form of extortion????"
Anyways. I slept on it, and woke up to choosing violence. By violence, I mean I messaged the only thing I knew he "CARED" about, at least for now, until there's nothing for him to gain. I just wanted to make sure he knew where i stood really, and how careful he should tread with me now after hearing that.
...this girl was the other former bff of MY bff. She HATED me for at least a decade. "Frienmies" if yiu will. I had been told SEVERAL times around 6 years ago (ish) that she told our mutual bestie how she was going to "fuck my boyfriend, and get him to leave me. That he was her dream guy" LOFL ...and had witnessed/heard her myself FLIRT with him heavy and totally disrespectfully in front of me. Up until the day they boinked in secret, this girl followed all my social accounts religiously for allll these years....
You can imagine, I had some STUFF I was dying to let out, but I will say, I refrained from being an absolute c-word. I basically in the most passive aggressive tone, EXPOSED what my exs current game was with my family home and the mistreatment of my grandparents.
I told her to ask about his stomach illness he faked so well, had me so SO sympathetic towards him that I asked if he would just instead making basically double pay for the summer months (school district employee) and not taking off....to take off, an I would just work ot graves or whatever extra I could/did...and then how the DAY BEFORE our child started 1st grade, he pulled the rug out from under by creating a literally pointless 4 hours screaming match.....and leaving me, the house, the dogs, and the bills high and dry. No tummy ache to ever come about again...
Or how he had a disguised app with nudes and texts from women he cheated on me with or had fucked when we were in a slump/split. And how she's also in it.
And to ask the father of the year what his 7 year olds doctors name was...we used her since the 2day infant visit lol.
Or to ask him who's been the provider for our child's education since 3 years of age. Her insurance. Dental. Ect. (Hint: it's not him).
I asked her to ask him why he told me that she "owned her own home and was so independent and worked so hard to be where she is now" as a means to rub salt in my wounds while he forced me out if my/OUR old home in the worst mental depression I'd ever dealt with.....when that is not true because she cheated on her husband with multiple men while he was deployed and lost her Marital home in divorce. She lives with her parents and two younger brothers.
Why he was still.texting me and sending me his unsolicited or answered selfies to me.
I wrapped it up with my point of the information being that for my exs sake, I pleaded she encouraged him to don"the right thing".
I mean....I knew he was putting on a dog and pony show for her from day 1. He's a fraud, I learned that over and over. He will lie/manipulative/step on whatever and whoever without a care in the world, all while making whoever they choose to feel as if they're to blame if any sort of conflicts or grievance against them rose.
So I knew in my exes false reality he was painting for this chick was no doubt of how amazing a father he is, and how shitty of a parent and person I am in turn....
side note: ffs he even lowered his own vocal tone forcefully when j met him 11 yrs ago to disguise his godawful nasal screach
WITHIN 10 DAYS. NOT EVEN 2 WEEKS Of me sending her all this...
First text - him asking for our childs doctor's information for the first time in 5 years. Evidently they had a sore throat in the middle of the night. (Mmmmok)
4 days later - he is asking if we could discuss getting her needed dental work finished up as we've put it off for a while (he literally never cared the first phase lol)
That same day - he is pandering sympathy and attention because he's suddenly having stomach attacks again and he's got a colonoscopy scheduled and blahblahblahhhhhh.
I mean....literally the list of the shit I exposed directly goes on and on.....and he made sure to cover up each one down the line. Like. If that isn't "master manipulation".....what is? There has got to be a word for this oh so insanely predictable behavior lol.
Certainly. I'd hope the chick truly SEES what is happening? That the dude is literally whether subconsciously/uncontrollably covering up his actions because he knows deep down, what was done was wrong all around...or just creating and perfecting his own stage right before our eyes? Lol RIGHT?!
I just have to laugh at it all now. It's just a RL sitcom of disaster at this point. 😑

'cause they hit like 6-7 hours ago! I thought they'd have been up already, but I guess not. Seems he got himself a 7-minute ovation though, and told the audience he was sorry they had to clap for so long. Real aw shucks sorta feller. Anyway: the reviews!
Robert Daniels, rogerebert.com

As much as Costner tries to play an even hand, attempting to give the Indigenous and settler perspective equal attention, it doesn’t wholly work. Yes, we meet the family of the Apache warriors, but their screen time pales in comparison to their white counterparts. It also doesn’t help that the white women characters are, for the most part, so clean and luminous—nary a speck of dust on them despite their grungy surroundings—that they appear angelic on screen. The score is equally telling: It’s a gorgeous, big, triumphant Old Hollywood score whose most sympathetic notes are reserved for the film’s white characters. Costner does at least include a diverse cast, nodding toward the presence of Black people and Chinese immigrants in the history of the West, tracing across the vast, sumptuously photographed landscape by DP J. Michael Muro.
While “Horizon” teases a kind of conspiracy theory—a mysterious publisher is printing and sending pamphlets promising a land of milk of honey that is only occupied by death—I can’t help but continue to think about the film in relation to “How The West Was Won.” That Western, ultimately, couldn’t overcome the weight of the era it was created in or genre conventions like forced, feeble romances. “Horizon” is arriving in a more “enlightened” time, especially considering the release of Martin Scorsese’s “Killer of the Flower Moon” and other Indigenous-made works, such as “Reservation Dogs,” “Wild Indian,” “The Body Remembers When the World Broken Open,” “Beans,” and more. That presence put even greater pressure on Costner. And so far, he hasn’t completely overcome being the director of “Dances with Wolves.” That filmmaker, for better or for worse, still exists here in every corner of this epic picture.

Owen Glieberman, variety.com

As a stand-alone film (which it isn’t, but let’s pretend for a moment), “Horizon” is by turns convoluted, ambitious, intriguing, and meandering. But it’s never quite moving. It’s too busy laying down narrative tracks and hammering out the minutiae of situations that don’t feel like they’re leading anywhere special.
The real problem is the script (by Costner and Jon Baird), which is shapeless. It doesn’t weave these stories together; it stacks them next to each other like a series of cabooses. Yet I think the idea is that the design of it all will come into focus as we see “Horizon: An American Saga — Chapter 2” (later this year), and then, at some point, “Chapter 3” (which is now scheduled) and maybe, if all goes according to plan, more chapters. I seriously hope not. I’m not sure how much juice there is to squeeze out of these characters, but even if there is some I don’t want to see movies turn into television. Just about every Western of the studio era came in at two hours or less, and so did most of the revisionist Westerns (and some of those were complicated). There’s a reason for that. It’s all the time they needed.

David Rooney, thehollywoodreporter.com

Running a taxing three hours, this first part of a quartet of films is littered with inessential scenes and characters that go nowhere, taking far too long to connect its messy plot threads. Warner Bros. will release Chapter One in U.S. theaters June 28, with Chapter Two following on August 16 and Chapter Three reportedly going into production. A vigorous montage closes the first part with action-packed snippets from the next installment, adding to the nagging sense that we’re watching episodic TV that lost its way.
What’s most perplexing coming from Costner is the uncomfortably long time the film takes to show sensitivity toward its Indigenous characters. We’re well into Horizon before the perspective on Native resistance is broadened to acknowledge that their murderous attacks on new settlements are a direct response to the occupation of their ancestral lands. It’s very confusing to see a Western in 2024 and find yourself thinking, “Wait, so American Indians are the bad guys again?”

Gregory Ellwood, theplaylist.com

As “Horizon” progresses, there are numerous new storylines added to the equation. Some are almost trivial, others cliche (even for the genre), and few appear to add much to whatever the whole of Costner’s vision will eventually be. It just feels like very low stakes all around. And when you realize there isn’t even a minor conclusion to any of the narratives, the movie ends with essentially a slew of weak cliffhangers (if they can even be constituted as such), you wonder once again, “Why is this a movie?” This is an ongoing long-form television series propped up on the big screen. It’s that’s appealing you’ll be thrilled to know Costner ends the three hours with an extended teaser that seemingly gives away quite a bit for “Chapter 2” (you’re welcome for the spoiler warning). Thankfully, if you like “Chapter 1” you only have to wait six weeks for that installment to hit your local multiplex.
Besides the debate over whether it is or isn’t a movie, there’s also the question of the depiction of Native Americans in the end product. It’s initially refreshing to hear Gephardt question the settlers as to why of all places they set up camp in Horizon. Did the three graves across the river not suggest perhaps this riverbed was off-limits? Gephardt and Riordan also give much-needed exposition on the other Apache tribes and indigenous groups that are relatively peaceful to settlers if you leave them alone. The conversations within the Apache tribe also depict an old guard attempting to make the argument to an angry, impatient new generation ready that they are safe in the hills. They don’t need to engage with the settlers. The youngsters want nothing of it and demand their land back by any means necessary. In theory, this is a smart depiction of the various viewpoints of this era. But Costner and composer John Debney score the attack on Horizon (and other Indian encounters) with a sweeping and grandiose sympathy only for the settlers (who, again, shouldn’t be there). It almost undoes all of the positive portrayal that comes before it.

Richard Lawson, vanityfair.com

Horizon is far from stately, or even coherent. A jumble of clichéd plots rendered in washed-out color (and washed-out performances), Horizon may rival Megalopolis as the biggest American boondoggle at this year’s Cannes. Sure, what appears disorderly may turn out to be genius by the time we’ve seen the end of the project—but ten hours is an awfully long time to wait to find out.
The three central narratives, as I see it, concern the ragged townspeople of a settlement in the San Pedro River valley (called Horizon) ; a gruff gunslinger making his way across the mountains further north with a woman and a child in tow; and a Santa Fe Trail wagon train snaking its way toward Horizon. (I think?) There is, halfheartedly, a fourth thread, about schisms within the Apache tribes who are native to the territory on which Horizon was hastily built. But the film only pays them lip service. Mostly they function as the brutal antagonizers of the Horizon townsfolk, who are nearly wiped out in a nighttime raid that is one of the film’s very few action sequences—the rest is the dullest and hoariest of talk.
Perhaps all will cogently, even movingly, converge in Chapter 2, but there’s little reason to have faith. This first foray sets a table that seems beyond saving by the end. At least Horizon accomplishes one staggering feat: it makes one wonder if we were maybe a little too hard on The Postman.

TUCKING ALL DAY
A serious guide for a very sexy purpose
This guide is intended to provide information to help a person who is Assigned Male At Birth (AMAB) the instruction for a comfortable way to be tucked for long periods of time and/or to achieve the smoothest appearance. Various clothing options will be provided as well as the pro’s and con’s of each one.
Disclaimer – This guide is intended for people who are 18 years of age or older. For serious tucking only. People who are pre-Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) or who are not going to change their hormones can experience some initial discomfort, pain, or even physical harm leading to a hernia. Consult your primary care physician at your next regular checkup, they will want to conduct an inspection of your lower abdomen for any potential signs of a future hernia. The test is simple involving some pressure being used outside your body to test for any signs of tears just below your skin. While a hernia is not likely to happen to most folks, it is highly worth a few few extra seconds at your visit to the doctor.
This guide should not be used as your only source of information. Please read the entire document before attempting the tucking method from section 2 of this guide.
Thanks, I hope this helps you get soft and smooth you wonderful people!
Section 1 - Terminology
Many people who want to tuck for extended periods of time do not want to refer to their genitalia by the medical terminology. This guide will use slang terminology instead.
Medical Term Term Used Here Definition Used Here
Testicles Berries Balls
Anus and Colon Bussy The surrounding skin is well shaven and the colon is cleaned and ready for penetration
Scrotum Coin Purse This does not include the testicles
Penis Clitty The shaft and head of the penis
Male Genitalia Meat Meaning the external portion, once the testicles are internal they are not included under “Meat”
? Grower A penis which is smaller when not erect
? Shower A penis which is approximately the same size whether flaccid or erect
Section 2 Tucking method
2-1 Tucking Intro
One of the goals of an All Day Tuck is for your Meat to stay in place and the important factors are proper coverage of the garment, sufficient compression of the Meat, and enough insulation to keep everything warm enough to remain a little moist. At times you may want to add a Boy Short panty or any women’s panty over your chosen tucking garments.
Prolonged tucking requires proper hygiene to avoid a yeast infection. It also requires a regular shave down there to avoid chaffing.
The first few times you tuck using this method there can be some initial discomfort or even pain. Do not push yourself too hard. You may want to ease into the full tuck by attempting this method but stop before following all steps. This can be similar to a little stretching before a physical activity. You will need to assess your level of pain, it should not be extreme.
At times you may want to tuck and experience difficulty because there is too much blood in the spongy tissue of your Clitty or you may not have the proper garments yet to contain a proper tuck. In these cases you can follow this tucking method and simply sit down at the edge of your bed or a chair to reduce the size of your swollen Clitty or just to hold your tuck in place
2-2 Hiding Those Berries!
You may need to crouch or lay on your side for best results. Begin by placing your dominant hand behind your back and between the legs.
Grasp the very bottom of your Coin Purse and give it a little tension by pulling gently downwards.
Maintain that light tension on the Coin Purse and bring it back towards your Bussy.
Your Berries should have risen and now be close to the base of your Clitty.
Using your non-dominant hand and spread your fingers in order to be able to manipulate both of your berries. (Live Long and Prosper hand sign From Star Trek)
Gently encourage your Berries upwards on either side of your Clitty. This is where discomfort or pain may occur.
*For novices. You may wish to focus on one Berry at a time if there is difficulty or pain. Just make a small circular motion on the underside of the Berry/Berries to encourage them upwards. There are small openings to the lower abdomen where Berries drop from in infancy. Those openings are usually smaller than your adult Berries, until they are gently stretched a little.
For those who are going to take HRT, an anti-androgen will be taken until such time as the berries cease to function. At that point they will likely become smaller, softer, and less sensitive. Tucking becomes much easier but reproductive functions will be greatly affect
Keeping your berries in the original position will increase their temperature. This will not have any feminizing effects on your body but will likely decrease your sperm production and I have no idea if it will affect production of Testosterone.
2-3 Getting The Meat Into Position
Once the Berries “pop” into position use your non-dominant hand to push your Clitty back towards your Bussy and against your Coin Purse. Note, you should still be using your dominant hand to maintain the position and tension on your Coin Purse.
The final step for this tucking method and just before you secure your tuck with appropriate clothing is to hold the tuck together by squeezing your thighs together.
The next section covers the popular clothing items used to maintain a tuck in a comfortable and sustainable way.
NO DUCT TAPE!!!
Section 3 Clothing To Secure That Tuck
Gaffs
I use many different brands and do not recommend any one over another. I will say that BBlair offers good quality and it’s Trans Owned! Gaff And Go offers gaffs with thinner waist straps. Pictured here is a transwoman who likely has less meat than average or an expert at minimizing There are many shapes and materials for modern gaffs. Stretch Satin is the most securing material and stretches less than other clothing options listed below, but has an optimal design. A stretch satin gaff is a great choice for beginners and experts alike. Some less desirable aspects are the cheaper models often do not have a narrow thong leaving to much material between the butt cheeks, they are generally 25-35 USD, and are less sexy or less like a woman’s panty.
Most of my 14 years tucking have been with Gaff panties.
No-Show Women’s Stretch Brief Panties
I have no brand opinions for these. You can just go to any women’s department and are likely to find something that works.
This is the most comfortable and least sexy option for securing a tuck, most suitable for a good night’s sleep. Multiple panties are layered with one or two being put on backwards. You may add a final layer with the panties put on in the intended position. You should experiment with panties one and two sizes smaller than recommended for your waist/hip size.
Your Meat may remain secured best if positioned a little more towards your front which can leave a little bulging with some outfits.
Even More Options – Advanced
Stripper Clothing!!! Bonus points!!!
Body Zone and The Beauty Cave offer options I have access to at a store near me. I am not endorsing these Brands over other brands, I just do not know of other brands that may work. These items are thin and stretchy unlike similar items designed for swimming, this is key.
Bikini Bottoms Method
This is great for those with less Meat or who are experienced with gaffs and with minimizing their Clitties.
Prepare your tuck and put a string bikini bottom on as a first layer. It should be located further back than intended so that the bottom of the Coin Purse and head of the Clitty will be contained. It’s okay if a little Meat sticks out over the top.
Put a second string bikini on as intended to be worn. This method may not work for everyone and will take some practice. A tie string bikini might help with it’s customizable tension.
This is the method I use for tanning and achieving porn star tan lines.
Conclusion
Compression
Comfort
Warmth
Find what works for you and have fun
SIT ON IT!!!
About the author
I was assigned male at birth. I am in my 40s now. I was deeply closeted until I was 30 years old and just ready for everything to end. I love this world and want others to have an easier time in life than I did. I love you all. See you around you sexy babes <3

Using this user as a blog to document this. Ngl I probably won't update too much, mix of anxiety and I work a lot and don't have time. Excuse spelling/grammar it's almost midnight typing this out.
Brother got diagnosed with cancer January this year. It was right after my birthday, like a shitty belatent birthday gift. Osteosarcoma, I believe the same cancer that killed technoblade. He live with my family ~12 hour drive from me. Before the diagnosis, I hadn't really seen or heard from him since I moved out (~2018). He's 13, and I feel like a shitty older sibling not doing more, but what can ya do? :/
There's a hospital about 4 hours from me that specializes in this cancer. I also am like "holy shit, we are so privileged during this hard time." We have family in the area, we have doctors in the family who can get us good ins, they have money for food/travel, and they have such a strong support group in our hometown... And in a way I'm glad? Glad we have this, but also can not imagine those who are working with less... It's tragic.
Anyway, I got to visit my brother twice. Once was for him to get his ""official diagnosis,"" (the original diagnosis was just from a CAT scan iirc, it looked like cancer. This one they actually sampled his mass and yeah, cancer.) I think we caught it just in time? There might be some in his lungs (that's how it kills) but it's really small, and the doctor didn't seem too worried about it. (Just one very VERY small mass, could easily be missed, which is "unusual for this type of cancer." But still scary). It was here we realized my brother was going to lose his leg. That trip was the last time I saw him with both his legs.
The second trip was to support him while he got a rotation plasty surgery. Basically they ""amputated"" his leg from knee to above the ankle. They turned his foot around so now his foot/ankle is his knee. (Because the foot remains intact it's "technically not an amputation," nerve endings and all. But he still has phantom itches as he learns where his nerves are now) This was the best way from him to remove the leg cancer, while not leaving his leg completely crippled. That trip was a little hard. Seeing my brother "post chemo" and with his leg reattached.
Poor thing was in so much pain, and needed his leg adjusted to ease the pain, and at first I was scared to touch him. Like "I want to help, but what if I make it worse?" Pro tip, you're not gonna make it worse. Be confident, listen, and go slow. When I held his foot in the air I could see releaf come over him. I think after 3 days the pain became more bearable, and after that, dude was completely owning his new leg.
He mastered the walker, cruches, wheelchair, he was rasing cousins down the hallway (aunt was like "yeah we're totally breaking a couple rules" lol). By no means is this easy for him, but things will be okay.
He was glad I was there, I think I helped him stay calm when he got upset with Mom. He was really upset, I try to tell myself "it's because of the cancesurgery, he's a teen, and mom doesn't understand him," but I worry toxic influences are getting to him. Mostly Dad who's "totally not a misogynist," infact he has self proclaimed to be "the most feminist man out there." Yeaaaah, and he follows/listens to men who make fun of women and proclaim what women should be like. 🙄 Dad also caused a lot of drama, but that's another post. I want this to be about my brother.
I wish I could be there for him, and like I am there when I can be. He has a phone now, but I don't know what to talk to him about. He's not much of a talker anyway. Silver lining is I have a twin in the hometown, which is something. It's not me, but at least the younger siblings have an older one with them for support. I haven't left them completely high and dry. But I wish they had better influencers, adults who would listen to them when they have problems.
Anyway, I should wrap this up. Chemo is going as planned, slight adjustments, but nothing completely off schedule. We got to hold our breath that we got it in time. Little bro has all the support he could ask for, and while the future is unknown, it feels hopeful.
Signing off for the night.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/IcemanEx54
GM Locked Me Out Of Interacting With Other Players Because I Got Confused
Originally posted to rpghorrorstories
TRIGGER WARNING: manipulation, controlling behavior, sexism
Original Post March 6, 2024
I'm a player in a tabletop RPG campaign and I just wanted to vent about this session. The GM uses a "rules light" homebrew system and it's his homebrew world as well. He's been doing this campaign for years now, but I just joined through a mutual friend after another player left recently.
When I joined the campaign, the GM had told me he wanted me to be from a particular country as a prince, and since it was his homebrewed world, I went with it. The country I'm a prince of is a massive empire that has conquered many lands. I wanted to be a morally good character so I made up a backstory where my prince had a secret romance with a commoner so it gave me more empathy and understanding than my other royal peers would have. Then in session 1, he had the commoner immediately break up with me since the players were all leaving the city session 1.
Several sessions later, there is a carnival being hosted in the empire and all the players are attending. The players split up and my part began with my character watching as a mentally handicap child was put in the dunk tank and was being dunked against his will. So I had my character help the child and stop the game (This isn't relevant to the larger story but I thought it was really weird). Then I am told I have to go to the "main stage" which is just a strip club seemingly. And of course, walking around topless serving drinks is my character's commoner love interest that I made in session 0. The GM laughs a bit and comments, "Isn't it funny? Look at what your ex has to do without you." I have my character give her the shirt off his back and we go to the outskirts of the carnival to find a quiet place to talk, but then the carnival was ambushed by some enemies as arrows and fire rained down on the parade.
Suddenly, my character and his ex are teleported back to the main stage and the GM starts jumping back and forth between all the player characters asking what we want to do without any sort of initiative and if we don't respond quickly enough he skips to another player. I ask, "What direction are the arrows coming from?" GM, "You can't tell". "Which direction to the palace?" I ask. "You don't know," he tells me. I'm honestly genuinely confused about what to do here and my mind goes blank, but then the GM has my bodyguard (a Brienne of Tarth type) tell me to follow her so I do. As he cuts back and forth, another player loses his mom in the chaos, I tell GM, "I want to help him find his mom." "You can't see him" GM tells me. Then I ended up surrounded by 12 ambushers in the "Pleasure Gardens". GM asked what I would do. I say since the carnival is burning, I look for a piece of wood on fire and since it's the pleasure gardens maybe there's some oil I can spill and light on fire to separate myself, my bodyguard, and ex who are all with me from the ambushers. He tells me there's no oil and then I'm held down by the men. I tried to escape, but he says I failed (he just did a dice roll behind his screen and didn't tell me the results). I am then hogtied by the ambushers with my bodyguard and ex and thrown in a cart. Meanwhile, the other two players have stolen a cart and are escaping. I try to do a goofy wave as my character is tied up towards my companions and he just says, the carts never pass each other so the other players don't see you. Before the session ends he tells me my bodyguard is dead.
After the session, I think my body language showed I was a bit bummed. So GM pipes in, "You want to know why you failed that encounter?" He proceeded to tell me it was because I followed my bodyguard and there was no way a woman could have protected me and I needed to make the choice instead. Some of the other players chimed in and said it was surprising my bodyguard failed since in the lore she was a 20-year veteran who survived "The Great War". The GM keeps defending his choice. Then he started making self-deprecating jokes about how he just sucks then and he's the worst GM ever until the other players all reassure him it's fine. I kind of just sat there shell-shocked.
His system reduces dice rolls to a rarity and he does them all himself as a "way to keep tension". I'm honestly more about hanging out with my friends than judging the quality of any campaign or system but this was my first "combat" of any sort in the campaign and I just felt so helpless in this system and it was frustrating. Plus there are no insight or persuasion rolls, just what the GM claims "my character would know" and "how his NPCs would act". So I'm not sure how I was supposed to handle this encounter. Being a GM myself, I thought he was using my bodyguard character to get me back on track, but I thought wrong. I honestly wouldn't have minded if he was just railroading me for a plot point, but him trying to manipulate me and saying his hands were tied when he essentially locked me out of interacting with the other players for the rest of the session is what bothers me the most.
Edit: Changed gaslighting to manipulating since I was using the term wrong and don't want to dilute it's meaning.
Update: GM Defends Style And Told Me He Owns My Character March 20, 2024
This is an update from my post a couple of weeks ago.
One of my friends in the group reached out to me and asked me to not leave the group. He told me there were only 2 sessions left and asked me to stick around as a favor to him. I told him I'd reach out to GM and see if we could get on the same page. So I texted the GM and told him I wanted to talk because I had some concerns after the way everything went down last session. He was down and we talked on the phone a couple of days later. To my surprise, the first thing he did was profusely apologize. I hadn't been responding in our group chat, partly because I was mad and partly because my partner had a death in her family. I guess me not responding caused him to dwell on the last session a bunch. He said he was going to retcon my bodyguard's death and keep her alive. I even told him that the treatment of women in the campaign was bad and that it was making the story worse, he told me that it is something that he can work on being better about too. I was surprised, but all this gave me a lot of optimism for this conversation.
I was honest and I told him that his homebrew system is very difficult for me since I don't have a character sheet. So my character doesn't have abilities, he doesn't level up, and I can't do things like roll investigate or perception rolls which makes it hard for me to make informed decisions. I told him it makes me very risk adverse because I don't have things like HP to even know if I'm in danger. He responded to this by telling me I shouldn't worry about that because his GM style rewards me if I roleplay well enough. He went on to say he hates systems with things like perception rolls because that's "Not how real life works".
I also lamented the fact that I also don't get to interact with the other players much. I didn't mention this in my first post, but he plays with all of us in a Discord call but he only plays with us one at a time, and the two of us who aren't playing are expected to listen and record notable quotes for his notes. He'll switch between characters where each player gets 2-3 "scenes" in a 3 hour session. He has our characters all spread out across the country Game of Thrones style and I've only gotten to play with another player in 2 sessions so far. This was also why that carnival scene was so frustrating because all 3 players were finally in the same place and we were trying to find each other and he just kept saying, "You don't see them".
He told me that he doesn't do party-based adventures because you can't get character growth that way. I pushed back and said I've seen awesome character growth in traditional DnD style games in the past, it just depends on the group. I also said he's just making things harder for himself by trying to run three campaigns instead of one. And if we don't have character sheets and aren't in a party then this is all more dramatic improv than a tabletop RPG.
He responded by saying his way is better because it creates a real story and that I should be happy because he made me the main character. (I guess that is what me being the prince means?) He then went on a rant about how much he loves the game world he created and he's very grateful that our characters brought it to life. But then he says that since it's his world, he feels like he owns our characters now and that after the campaign he wants us all to sign off on him using the characters to write books and a screenplay. And if we don't he'll just change their names and do it anyway. He then thanks me and tells me that this campaign is the main thing that has been stopping him from self-harm and going to dark places. Then he says he has to go and he rushes to hang up before I can say anything else.
I'm dumbfounded after that rapid-fire series of bombshells. I've known since the first few sessions that this was barely a TTRPG, but I got to hang out with my friends so I didn't care what it was. It was nice to hang out with old friends a couple times each month. Then the story got weird, and there was so much misogyny, and then I had the horrible session that caused my original post. Then in this conversation, he throws up even more red flags that I'm not blind to, but he is also planting a seed that he may harm himself without the campaign which is not something I want on my conscience. I'm just exhausted at this point.
TLDR: GM says that abilities and parties make TTRPGs worse and he wants to use our characters to write books/movies after the campaign because he owns them since we're playing in his world. He says he may fall back to self-harm without the campaign, making me feel guilty for wanting to leave.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
ShitThroughAGoose

Any update to this?

OOP

I ended up doing one more session for the finale. There was some drama during that session and when I mentioned that I didn't want to play in the next season of the campaign. I wasn't sure if I wanted to post about it again. I might still, but I think I want to take some time and reflect on everything.

Final Update May 11, 2024
[Final Update] Moving On From My Toxic DM And Losing A Friend In The Process
This will hopefully be my last post on this sub for a long time, but I’ve been using this place to vent about my toxic situation for a while so I figured I might as well post how everything concluded and what happened when I left. I’m going to reflect on everything and recap the important parts so no one has to read 3 posts.
It all started when I decided to start DMing to keep in touch with some college friends after graduation. During my first campaign, one of the players, Pirate, asked if his friend, Colorado, could join. I didn't really know Colorado, but I figured, "the more, the merrier."
Colorado had some issues early on, giving unsolicited advice to everyone on how to play and viewing newer or shy players as “side characters”. However, he frequently missed sessions, only showing up for less than half of them for the first few years so nothing came to a head early on. Then, Colorado decided he wanted to bring back his tabletop campaign from his college days and started trying to recruit players after my sessions. Pirate suggested I join the campaign, promising that Colorado was a better DM than player. Since I had been the Forever DM up to that point, I agreed to give it a go.
I created a character who was part of the royal family but enjoyed interacting with commoners in the slums, even having a secret girlfriend from that background. After that, Colorado also started hitting me up to help with the campaign. I ended up photoshopping character art for a bunch of his NPCs and I even drew his world map for him. I didn't mind doing it, as I do that kind of stuff for fun.
For our first session, Colorado had already created character sheets for us based on our backstories, but only he could see them. Colorado would also roll all the dice himself so “all we had to focus on is roleplaying”. We played one on one in different "scenes" that could last around 30 minutes to an hour each. We usually had around 2 to 4 scenes per session, depending on what Colorado thought was important. During the game, Colorado asked us to write down quotes from him and the other players when it wasn't our turn.
I had to wait for well over an hour before I could finally play. My first session was on rails. I mostly just had to repeat after Colorado during a ceremony. Afterwards, I got to sneak out of the castle and meet with my commoner girlfriend, but Colorado immediately had her break up with me. Then I was told that I had to leave the city. I was essentially locked out of my hanging out in the slums and commoner girlfriend subplots. NPCs generally disliked my morally good character, especially my sister who was depicted as purely evil towards me. Despite my efforts to mend the relationship, she never changed her mind and Colorado never rolled any dice to determine that. Later Colorado revealed to me the character was based on his ex-girlfriend, who was originally intended to be the player character from my country before they broke up.
Eventually, I finally got to interact with another player, Soldier, who I had really good chemistry with and we had a really fun scene. Which Colorado exclaimed, “See! This is why I keep you apart. It makes these moments so much more epic!” But I’m just thinking that if we were in a party, every session could be this epic.
Then Colorado got busy. He went to some alternative medicine nature retreat and didn’t pay his rent the whole time he was gone so he got evicted. At that point, the campaign went on hiatus as people got busy and Colorado was couch hopping. It was during that time I considered the campaign over and made my first post because I thought it fit the sub. Then a year after the last session, Colorado started trying to organize the group to do 3 more sessions to finish the campaign. I just ghosted the group chat for a while, but Pirate’s roommate is a player in the campaign I DM so Pirate started hopping on the call asking me to come back for the finale. Pirate told me that it would be different this time because all of our characters were going to meet up for the finale and he really wanted to play with me. I naively agreed to give the game a second chance.
The first of those three sessions led to this post and this follow up.
[TLDR - I never got to meet up with the other characters. Colorado made my ex a stripper and I was captured by invaders with no dice rolls to prevent it. I had a conversation with him about my concerns after the last session. He apologized and agreed to make changes saying he needed the campaign for his mental health.]
Colorado decided to have a single super finale session, which I reluctantly attended because of sunk cost fallacy. I was imprisoned, beaten and whipped, separated from my girlfriend and recently resurrected bodyguard. A deus-ex ninja offered to help me escape, but I wanted to save all the prisoners. So I helped the commoners escape with the ninja before saving my girlfriend. My bodyguard got captured, but I made sure my girlfriend escaped and then I went to save my bodyguard because I wasn’t letting her die after she just got resurrected. I tried to find my bodyguard but every door was locked and I was forced into a long one on one fight with a guard that would make John Carpenter blush. I lost the fight due to an unknown -2 modifier on my fighting rolls, leading to my re-imprisonment.
Pirate tried to board a boat to reach my location, but was unsuccessful. Colorado informed him that the sailors refused to let him on the ship because they didn't like his tone. Fortunately, Soldier saved me and we agreed to stop the big bad and rescue my bodyguard together. With a squad of Soldier's peers, we pursued the big bad into the woods. Without any rolls, all the other soldiers were sniped by archers.
Finally, the two of us reached the clearing where the big bad and his followers were. We were outnumbered about 30-2. My bodyguard and the other commoners were tied to a tree. Soldier was the same race as the villain so he approached while I stayed hidden. He delivered an awesome passionate speech against the big bad's actions saying that it wasn’t what their ancestors would want. I’m sitting there waiting and hoping for a persuasion roll… and nothing. Colorado says the big bad doesn’t change his mind and he sets the tree on fire, causing my bodyguard and the commoners to burn to death. Soldier and I retreated into the woods to end the campaign.
Pirate was supposed to have a scene after us, but he fell asleep because it was past 1am. Colorado kept trying to call Pirate on the phone. I joke, “Hey, we’re old now, being up past midnight isn’t as easy as it used to.” To which Colorado replies, “I just thought Pirate had more respect for me than this.” The Discord call becomes quiet and after Colorado starts focusing on Soldier and I. He wants to know why we’re not discussing the ending more. I remarked that it was a bit of a downer and I’m tired. Then Colorado starts spiraling, saying that RPGs are just another medium that he failed at just like film and music. HE STARTS CRYING and hangs up from the Discord call. Soldier and I stayed on and had a short “That was awkward” conversation. I don’t know Soldier well so I didn’t say much about my grievances with the campaign and eventually we ended up just talking about Baldur’s Gate 3 for an hour.
The next day, I wake up to a barrage of texts from Colorado apologizing, mansplaining how hard it is to be a DM as if I’ve never done it myself. He then starts sending me messages with all his ideas for my character in the next season and how he promises I’ll have more freedom next time. I wouldn’t understand, but he NEEDED to do the prison sequence and my bodyguard to die for my character growth, but next season will be different. I tell him I’m not doing another season. Colorado replies saying that he thought I’d say that because Pirate (who was apparently not sleeping) told him Soldier and I were bitching about the campaign after the session. Colorado said that once I get over it, we can start talking about season 3. I reaffirmed my stance. Then Colorado texts me one last time and asks if I’ll still make his maps and character art even if I don’t play. I said no again.
It's been two months since I last heard from Colorado or Pirate. We used to play games and talk about pro wrestling all the time, but now there's been no contact. A lot of the comments on my posts helped me realize I was prioritizing Colorado’s mental health over my own and I felt like it was my responsibility to support his campaign because he constantly referenced how important it was to his mental health. Intentional or not, he preyed upon my empathy. I’m not his Giving Tree and I shouldn’t be left a stump for a campaign where he doesn’t even want us to affect the world.
I sometimes worry Pirate is going through a similar situation to me, but for a longer period of time. Pirate introduced me to Colorado, and he's really loyal to him. I think that slowed down my exit from the group because I trusted Pirate to be my friend as well. I remember opening up to Pirate about a panic attack I had while Colorado was spiraling one day, and he just shrugged it off as me being dramatic. It's frustrating. I want both of them to be happy, but I can't make that happen for them, especially if it comes at the expense of my own well-being.
I ended up venting to some of my irl friends and they really supported and listened to me which is why I didn’t feel a need to vent here. I learned a lot about what not to do when DMing from this campaign and it made me reevaluate my approach to playing RPGs. Now I'm in a group with my irl friends and it's a blast. I can relax and just have fun playing again.
TLDR - I started DMing to stay connected with college friends who were scattered across the country. One player, Pirate, introduced me to Colorado, who eventually took over as the DM. Colorado had some unconventional methods, such as not using character sheets and controlling all the dice rolls. The game became focused on his storyline and my character had limited agency. Despite this, I gave the campaign a second chance. In the final session, things went poorly, and Colorado had a breakdown. Despite his apologies and promises for the next season, I decided not to continue playing. I have not heard from Colorado or Pirate since. I now play with my real-life friends and it's much more enjoyable.
RELEVANT COMMENTS/ADDED INFO
TicketPrestigious

Glad you're doing better. That does sound like quite a toxic situation.
If I've understood it right, the stuff with Pirate 'falling asleep' but actually listening in to you and Soldier talking feels like a massive red flag to me. I understand worrying about him since you were/felt like you were friends, but if he's enabling Colorado with that sort of stuff then it's probably best to move on.

OOP

Yeah even the best case would be that Pirate woke up after Colorado left the call and just overheard Soldier and me talking without us realizing because his mic was muted and we assumed he had passed out and then he snitched after which is still a bad look tbh. I had been distancing myself from Pirate since he invalidated my panic attack prior to this. It's just hard to be vulnerable with someone again after that.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP
DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

First of all, I would like to say that, even now, many things I’ve seen here, I cannot agree with. Please read with an “open mind” if you do read (I won’t do apologetics, don’t worry). Many behaviours coming from ex-Muslims is something that has pushed me back many times.
I’ll try to be as clear and brief as possible. Thanks to anyone who reads, I’ll be happy to read your advice and I hope this resonates with some of you.
Sooo… I’m a 20 year old woman. I live in the West and come from an extremely “progressive” country in Europe. I’ve always been very sensitive and felt my feelings way too much. I’ve been s*ually harassed since I was 5 up until I was 18. Mostly by (male) classmates. Developed an eating disorder that almost takes my life when I was a teenager. Started slf-harming. Life made no sense. Got into very dangerous pro-4n* groups and romanticised SH. One day I told myself it was enough. Shortly after I had a huge crisis, questioned my beliefs (I believed in God since I was little. Would pick up the Bible, as it was what we had at home, since 6 years old, believed Jesus was a Prophet and not God even though I was taught the opposite) and found Islam. It all made sense and it was a very quick conversion.
Nevertheless I thought for a year or so that praying wasn’t for me etc. Since my family and surroundings were all atheist and I didn’t know how to get “closer” to religion.
A couple years ago I met my husband in a very non-religious setting and I left my country to go live with him. Found a job as a babysitter there, living conditions were terrible. I was still non-practicing at that time I could say. My now husband has hurt me terribly. He’s neglected me since the beginning and has prioritised other women over me, every single time. You get what happened. He told me to leave Islam a year and a half ago, promising everything would be alright if I did, that he’d stop what he was doing. I did and it didn’t work. At all. Eventually I came back to Islam (many months later) and this time, so did he. Started practising (both of us, him a little later than me). Got married. But everything continued. He’s admitted to me to being close to downloading a dating app like a few months before our wedding. This is totally against my boundaries and it was even before Islam. He knew it very well. I’ve only had eyes for him since we met.
Lately he started not coming home. He couldn’t stand seeing me. Now I’m going back to my country with my parents as we’re going to give each other some time.
He’s no longer Muslim. I hope you understand that I do need to see I’ll be his only one. He knows that it’s a condition I have. And I’m, on my side, questioning Islam. The thing is that there are many things which do make lots of sense, if done properly. I know I won’t be able to protect my kids, for example, if they’re in a mixed school. I know what goes on there, it’s not just my experience. I do find issues with Islam. But this world is obsessed with s*x and cheating. I don’t feel there’s a place for me. I believe in monogamous love (Ik about polygyny in Islam, this isn’t the subject).
I feel safer covering myself. I’m scared. I’m so scared. I’m not explaining myself properly, it’s quite hard.
I’m scared that if I end up staying with my husband I’ll see him looking at others with lust and being disgusted at me once again. But I’m also scared that if I don’t and stay in Islam and end up marrying a practising Muslim man he’ll view me just as a “halal” means to his pleasure and wait for the houris. I want to be safe and loved.
The typical arguments (polygyny, Aisha’s age) won’t work. I’ve heard them. Honestly it’s useless. I want to see if there’s anything that can truly “open” my eyes. Until now, nothing I’veseen convinces me.
Something that makes me question Islam, too, is d3*th. It’s been something I’ve always been scared of… and Islam made it feel natural for me. But it does get to a point where it frightens me.
I hope my husband will love me and that we’ll see each other again. I hope some of you understand the pain in being cheated on and neglected. It wasn’t my fault, Muslim or not.
Thank you for reading.

WARNING FOR: cults, real life cults, child sexual abuse, brief transphobia, child loss.
This was around a year or so ago, so I was freshly 19 at the time. I was an experienced player already, having DMed and been in several campaigns throughout high school, but I no longer had time for longer campaigns or the planning that comes with them. To solve this, I joined a local game guild that hosted weekly one-shot nights. I was fairly close with a few of the regulars since I came almost every week during the summer.
The main players in this story are DM—a guy I had played with once before, a generally good storyteller who specialized in Call of Cthulhu and Pulp Cthulhu—and Friend—an older woman who I had played with several times before and was fairly close to. Friend was very close with DM, and actually introduced us in the first place. Now, onto the game in question.
We were playing a modern realistic setting in the city most of us were from. I knew the story would involve a mysterious cult, and prepared myself, since I knew that it would touch on some sensitive subjects for me. For a bit of context, I’m a cult survivor in real life, something that was majorly traumatizing for me. DM and Friend both knew this, though I hadn’t gone into much detail about it. However, I’m usually fine with cults in ttrpgs, and sometimes I even enjoy them, since it’s very cathartic to take something painful and turn it into a beautiful story. That, and I deeply trusted Friend, and Friend trusted DM, so I trusted him too.
Well. It turns out that the cult that we’d be going up against was a real life cult that practiced in said city. Meaning, DM would be roleplaying as a real life group that has done real life crimes. That caught me a bit off guard. Maybe I should’ve expected it, since it was a “realistic setting”, but I had hope nonetheless. Friend and I exchange looks immediately, but hey, we both trust that DM will handle this tactfully.
He doesn’t. The game starts with us approaching a few members of the cult to gather information before the plot starts. The DM takes this moment to describe in detail that there was a child with them, and how that child was bruised and cut on their legs, and how afraid they seemed, going on to describe the rumors of how the cult abuses children. These were real accusations leveled against the real cult. There was even a scene of the adult members talking to the child badly, fully roleplayed out. The scene goes on for far too long, and it hits me so much harder than I expected, especially since it was incredibly realistic. He hadn’t given any trigger warnings, or even mentioned that this would be a part of the game.
I barely remember the following scenes of investigation, since they were mostly just conducting interviews and investigating a disappearance related to said cult. Apparently, I had a thousand yard stare through most of this. Friend kept trying to check on me, but I don’t even remember it happening. Graphic child abuse was not something I had predicted, and I was honestly half-in-half-out of focus for a bit.
Eventually, it was decided that we’d have to infiltrate the cult by posing as prospective members. We arrived to the location, and the party was split into men and women, since only women were allowed to get close enough to what we were hoping to find. My character was meant to be a transgender man, since that’s what I am, and most of the players were also queer in some way so it was normal for us. Unfortunately, this meant that my character would have to present as more feminine for this portion, so that he’d get mistaken for a woman and brought in. I tried to push back on that idea, but we were running low on time and I was really not present anymore.
I’ll be very vague about this section because it’s bad. There was more child abuse happening at the cult compound. There was sexual abuse happening at the compound. My character was singled out as the most “faithful” and targeted as a prospective member. There were implications about what might happen to my character. Thankfully, Friend—who I noticed at this point was also looking very unwell—mentioned that a storm was rolling in IRL, so she wanted to leave early to beat it. I jumped at the chance to also leave.
Friend and I leave the store and sit outside to wait for our rides to get there. It was at that point she confessed to me that she had experienced child loss, and had previously specifically told DM that she didn’t want to play games with graphic harm to children. He hadn’t warned her either, and she was upset about it too. At the time, I felt so dramatic and ridiculous for being upset. Sure, roleplaying child sexual abuse in the context of a real life cult is horrifying, but I also should’ve expected this or should’ve been more vocal. Maybe I shouldn’t have gone at all, since I could’ve guessed that I might be upset by the subject matter. Still, hearing that Friend had also previously communicated boundaries and was ignored made me feel a bit more justified in my anger.
We both eventually got home, and Friend had a long and apparently nasty conversation with DM. His excuse was that he was going through a hard time of his own and just wanted to have that cathartic release. I don’t love that it was at the expense of two people’s triggers that he was aware of previously, but at least I can understand the impulse. I get it, kind of. I’m still conflicted. Was I really just being sensitive?

I (26F) have been feeling apathetic toward my boyfriend (26M) of 4 years now.
To start, we met on tinder and had so much in common. We lived at our parents houses and did not have a place to be intimate for 1 1/2 years before I got the chance to move out finally. We still were intimate, but it was difficult and I mostly would set things up for us to be comfortable. Going as far as getting a cabin stay for us. My main reason to move out from my parent's house was just so I could have a place I could finally be intimate with him. He never had that motivation.
We met our senior year of college, graduated together. He took a gap year to work and apply to schools. He got into a school one state away and we went "long distance" for 2 years. While he was away for school it was extremely hard for me emotionally to cope. Here I was, asking repeatedly when we could see each other with respect to his school schedule and he just wouldn't really gaf. Come his third year and he has a mental breakdown and takes a years medical leave from school. I was just chugging along, struggling through the distance, and now he's back home for a year, but that just means another year our life is delayed. I was always very careful of not talking about the future with him (not wanting to pressure him about kids/marriage). During his mental break he turns to me and asks that all we talk about is our future together and that I'd be there for him and how many kids I'd want to have with him. I entertained the conversation. In truth, I have stuck by him this entire time, even when he'd ignore me entirely because of "school"
During our relationship, I took hormonal birth control. I even got an IUD because I was not looking to get pregnant due to not having finances to support a child. The hormones and IUD messed me up very bad. To the point where i just got my second IUD I was trialling removed because I would not stop bleeding with it. Our ratio of getting off during sex is 80/20, and I have to initiate a lot of the time, he always cums. I do not. I wish we'd have sex more often, especially with how little we see each other and how busy I am with work and school. We have sex maybe twice a month? Not worth it for me to put my hormonal health through hell for him not to even initiate.
During our relationship we have not fought much. The one issue I always brought up was him not introducing me to his family or friend and keeping me a "secret" (I felt) for a solid 2 years. Every time I'd bring it up he'd put some effort in, but then he'd revert back to keeping me in the dark. Last summer his classmate which he does not know all that was had a wedding in his school's state so we drove 6 hours with my car to attend this bland reception where I wasn't even introduced to the bride and groom and left after 20 minutes. I took time off work for that bs. Then this spring his family member which he actually knows gets married in the same city, he never mentions inviting me. His brother and sister in law are in all the videos dancing. His friend took his girlfriend, but me? Nothing.
Now he's off traveling in a different country for the last month. I've been in and out of the ER bleeding my uterus out essentially for a month straight, going through a hellish finals week. Having my job jumping down my throat on numbers. I see him post on instagram videos of dancing women at a bar he's at. Mind you, he has never once posted me. I have just gone silent. i deleted instagram. I am on so much hormonal and blood clotting drugs I just have no emotional capacity to deal. All I feel is anger. And stupidity for putting up with this bullshit.
He texts me he's coming back but I'm actively ignoring his texts. I. Am. Over. It.

I have been working as a software engineer for 8 years, and working at my current job for a little over 1 year. I am the only woman on my team, and multiple times per day, my teammate has been interrupting me, steamrolling conversations, explaining things to me that I already know, and explicitly telling me I don’t know what I’m talking about. When I make simple requests (like please communicate with me if you’re going to revoke my deployment permissions, as the most recent example) he will say something like “well I didn’t know you were going to take it personally”, implying that the problem is my emotions and not his actions. Every time I have talked to my manager about this, he says some version of “he’s just socially unaware”, “he’s a good person”, “he doesn’t mean anything by it”, etc. I’m sure you know the kind of response I’m getting if you are a woman in tech.
My manager is focusing on the size of each micro-aggression, and not the quantity. I felt much more capable of brushing off the first 20,000 or so, but now I just feel so defeated every single time. It seems like everyone else on my team, including my manager, has some superhuman ability to just ignore all of it.
I know that this is just par for the course for women on male-dominated teams. I have dealt with this before (or worse), and I just can’t shake the feeling that I should be better at brushing it off by now and just accepting that this is part of the job. I know perfectly well that my manageHwhoever I escalate this to is not going to take any serious action.
I was planning to leave this job, but then I got pregnant, and I’m trying to stick it out a few more months until my maternity leave.
Do any of you ever get overwhelmed by just the sheer quantity of micro-aggressions? How do you deal with it when no one else seems to notice?

This is my second ever time going to SNM. I wrote up about my first time and how magical it was and I'm so glad I got to go again because let me tell y'all I somehow managed to have an entirely new experience this time.
I got the Oz Guest ticket to ensure I got an Ace card, and I was the first one off the elevator. I was dropped off on the 5th floor, alone, which was quite creepy with all the hospital beds and tubs and the forest. There was no one for several minutes, and I was disoriented and couldn't find the stairs or any way out. I drifted between the tub room and the forest, and eventually a nurse appeared in the tub room. I observed her wringing clothes in water, and draping them across the tubs, staging them like they were people. This process was slow and I heard a noise in the distance so I followed that into the forest, where I saw one other guest watching the cottage in the forest. I noticed finally that there was actually a nurse inside, eyes closed, only visible from one angle so I hadn't seen her when I passed earlier.
With nothing else to do, I stood there watching for what seemed like ages. Surely, at some point, she would do something? It was so long that I thought for sure I was missing a lot of the show. I wondered if it was worth it. I wondered what the other guest was wondering. A few others passed us, but no other characters for the longest time. Then a bell chimed, and the nurse finally opened her eyes. She looked out at us, stood, and....closed the window. At this point I was sure I had just wasted my time. I was debating leaving. But no one else was moving. But surely, this was a waste of time. I turned to leave, and suddenly the nurse from the tub room appeared, crying, and the nurse inside the cottage opened the window to observe her. I must say the lighting here was excellent, but then the lighting in this show continuously impresses me. I have never been a lighting nerd but this show has made me realize how impactful lighting can be to a show. It's used masterfully in many scenes.
But back to the show. The nurse finally came out, and touched hands with the other nurse. They walked. I walked. We all wove through that forest, until the tub nurse ran suddenly, and we were running too, and then we were locked out from a gate. The tub nurse appeared in a window to the tub room, and danced as we watched. This small dance seemed to me like she was on the edge of a cliff, and her grief took her over as she fell suddenly off the edge. Not fell, leaped. I read this scene as a woman tortured by grief taking her own life, while a friend? Colleague? Observed.
Then my cottage nurse turned and walked slowly back to her cottage. She opened the door a crack, and turned, staring at me. I stepped closer. She opened it further. Cautiously, I stepped inside. She closed the door behind us. What transpired next was a magical experience I will not soon forget, with the taste of tea on my lips and whispered words about a moon like decayed bark and a sun like a wilted sunflower and stars like flies pinned to place. Blood will have blood...
I left and there was no one outside the cottage or indeed in the forest at all. I made my way through it and the tub room and finally found another hallway. I'm going to be honest, I do forget where I wandered then, and I may definitely be mixing up the order in which the following scenes happened because the night was a fever dream. But I witnessed scenes I did not see the first time I went last month. Somehow, by luck, other than the ending scene and the rave I did not see any duplicate scenes.
I saw the porter - who I don't think I ever encountered last time - and his dance in the hotel lobby is my new favorite. It's so full of raw joy, and though he was clearly an older man he danced with boyish jubilance that was infectious. More than a few of us observers were absolutely dancing along with him as we watched. I also found his interactions with the Boy Witch fascinating and their choreography at the telephones was my favorite by far.
The Boy Witch was another character I only saw in the ballroom and the rave last time, but who I witnessed several scenes with this time around. He's far too fast for me to follow, but I was lucky enough to be in the right place at the right time several times throughout the show. It was the same actor as last time, and I have to saw I think he plays the character really well. He's clearly sought after by everyone he encounters, seducing and drawing people in. I loved every scene with him almost as much as the Porter. Also, is the snake tattoo his or his characters? It's really beautiful, either way.
I saw two very intimate scenes with the Bald Witch, who I wondered how I missed last show but found out I didn't - she wears a wig through part of the show 😅 The little room she cleans up in a few times throughout the show off the side of the lobby is where I encountered her most. Once solo, and I felt almost bad I stepped into the room with her because I'm not small and I know I partially blocked the view of people outside of the room but fortune favors the bold right? I did try to squeeze myself into a corner, which only resulted in another person coming in to fully block the view from the hallway. That person caught the eye of the bald witch instead of me (I should have just stayed out blocking them 😤) and was allowed to touch her head in a very intimate moment.
The second time I caught her in there was by following a woman whose character name I don't know, after the ballroom scene where the two of them move the trees and then embrace. This time I did not care if I blocked people, me and one other person were in the room and watched the two women clean themselves up and reapply makeup. When the other woman left, I stayed with the bald witch (now wearing a wig), who fascinated me.
At some point I ended up in the rave bar before the rave began. I didn't know the "Hell Here" sign changed to "Hello There" before the rave! Every time I had seen it previously it had the o and t unlit. I saw Hecate readying for the rave. The music changed, and she danced, and eventually she made gasping sounds. Each gasp seemed to be a summoning. A ritual, drawing the other characters towards her. Her scream initiated the rave, and this time I had front row view from a different angle than I had previously, so it was like seeing it new all over again. Every bit as incredible, but different enough to feel like a brand new experience. And again, the lighting, seriously I'm a lighting whore after this show. I will forever judge theater experiences by their use of lighting compared to this show now. I hope whoever is in charge of lighting design is paid handsomely because seriously their work really drives the story. The music too, but I'm more impressed by the lighting tbh.
After the rave, I debated trying for the Hecate 1 on 1 since I knew what triggered it from last show, but I wanted to try new experiences this time so I tried to follow the Boy Witch instead. But I couldn't keep up, and there were too many people, and the next thing I knew I was by myself wandering empty halls again.
I can't remember if this happened before or after the rave, but I saw Agnes in the hall with all the shops. She went into a bedroom, and lay to sleep, where the tailor (not sure that's the characters actual title?) snuck in through the closet and put her capelet over her as she slept. When he left, she woke, and she locked the door to the room. I watched her put on makeup, and then go into the closet. Me and the 3 others watching kind of looked at each other, wondering if we should follow. Two of them tried the door, to find it's locked. Once I knew that I plowed into the closet and had a delirious thought about going to Narnia but no, I just ended up back in the shops hallway, where I saw Agnes meet the man who had covered her when she slept, and together they went into the clothier, and danced as he presented her with fabrics to choose from, and when he left she stole his money, and he brought her flowers, and then she went back to her room. She went next to the detective agency, and wrote a letter which I couldn't read despite trying over her shoulder (I'm a creep, this show makes me feel like such a voyeur lol).
At some point I ended up back in the lobby, watching the porter and the Boy Witch and two women and I think MacBeth? Dancing on the lobby desk, which was wonderfully choreographed again. Instead of following the others I stayed with the porter and situated myself in front of him as he made a tiny boat out of a card. Then Agnes was there, ringing the bell for the porter, and I realized then we'd had a reset because I had seen this scene already. I went to take the boat origami, but as I reached for it another guest snatched it away - like literally, she had been pressed to my side the entire scene, her fingers twitching so she clearly knew the opportunity would be coming. I thought that was a little uncalled for, but whatever, I'd already had a few very special moments today I wasn't going to let one instance sour anything.
I left to find another scene as I had watched this one already, and ended up back at the Manderlay bar by accident. Took that opportunity to use the restroom and grab a quick drink because a woman was singing and she had a lovely voice. Listened until her song was done and when I went to leave, the guy who was the greeter at the start of the show asked if I want to enter a different way, and took me in through the "main" entrance which somehow I had never gone in through before?? This deposited me in the lobby of the hotel of course, and I wandered until I encountered two people running towards each other and embrace, sobbing. The man went on, and far too many people followed him so I followed the woman, who went into the room with the lit cross where Duncan(?) body is. She unwrapped him and used true loves kiss to bring him back to life. Together they went to the ballroom and danced, which was beautiful. Then she left, and I followed our resurrected Duncan because I had NO IDEA he came back to life at any point from last show so I was like bro what are you gonna do with your new life??? Well, he decided to retrace his steps of course, clearly confused and slowly remembering what had happened to him as he went first to the cross room, then to the place of his murder, then through to the room he dances in before his murder, and then he went running. I tried keeping up but well, I am not a runner.
Somewhere along the way I end up back in the ballroom, having followed someone I encountered in the hall. I thought oh great, banquet again, let me wander and see if anything else happens elsewhere since I have already seen this? But as I went to leave, the Porter and a woman came in, and positioned themselves in the back of the ballroom. I had not seen this before as I'm usually at the front, so I decided to stay and see if they do anything interesting. And this is when I realized the show was ending, because the banquet turned into a hanging, and we were then all ushered out.
Second time going to this show, and I feel I saw a whole new show having witnessed so many scenes I hadn't seen last time. I wonder how many more I am missing? I hope to see it once more next month, and maybe finally see the entire show and put together the pieces of plot. I definitely feel that this time I was able to absorb more, and found myself actually applying motives and thoughts and words to scenes that had none. I love that there are very few spoken scenes - it leaves the experience up to the beholder to interpret, and I know from reading others recaps that we all kind of notice different inflections that mean different things to us and change how we view a scene. I'm only sorry i waited so long to see this show - I wish I could have seen it more often to truly capture all of it.
But, I may have another chance next month! Until then, I for one will definitely be getting a good nights sleep after all that walking today 😂

Welcome back once more, for our final discussion of Armadale. I apologize again for the discussion being late. Last week, my excuse was that I had to spend time with my sister's family, including a labradoodle. This week, I am dog-sitting my mother's beagle, who has separation anxiety and gas. I am horribly sleep-deprived because this dog insists on sleeping next to my bed every night, snoring loudly and farting. Speaking of people breathing in poison in their sleep, let's get to the recap:
Allan has just set off for the Adriatic, with his cash converted to gold, obviously the result of Manuel's suggestions. Lydia and Ozias have been transferred to Turin by Ozias's employer, and Lydia pretends to have gotten a letter from her mother, asking her to come home, so she has an excuse to go back to London. Once there, she checks the newspaper for any articles or obituaries indicating that Allan has died. She also finds Mother Oldershaw's new address, but decides not to visit her.
After a few days, she finally gets the news she's been hoping for. Allan's yacht sunk off the southern coast of Italy, and everyone on board perished. Her next step is to write to Bashwood:
My dearest Bashwood,
I desire you... I mean, I desire to *meet with you... to apologize for my previous behavior towards you. I have foolishly made the mistake of marrying an immature child. If only I had married a real man (realness not necessarily extending to his teeth and hair)!*
Please, do not show this letter to anyone. Let us meet clandestinely.
Sincerely,
Lydia Armadale (note the last name)
Lydia then considers the marriage certificate, and realizes a glaring flaw in her plan: Ozias's handwriting looks nothing like Allan's. In a panic, she decides that her only option is to get advice from Mother Oldershaw. Unfortunately, Mother Oldershaw appears to have found God, and no longer wants anything to do with Lydia's plans. (Of course, she refuses to give Lydia the signed paper that she was going to use to extort money from Lydia if her plans succeeded.)
While leaving Oldershaw's, Lydia runs into Dr. Downward... excuse me, Dr. Le Doux, totally legitimate sanitarium owner. She realizes that he may be able to advise her, and asks to meet him later at the sanitarium. The sanitarium is basically what you'd expect a 19th-century sanitarium to be: creepy old house with shelves containing jars of preserved "creatures," a "galvanic apparatus" for providing electric shocks, etc. No patients yet, though.
Lydia tells the doctor her story, leaving out the worst details (he doesn't know that she's the reason the yacht sunk, or that her husband goes by the fake name "Ozias Midwinter"). Downward agrees to assist her by claiming to be a witness to the marriage... for a fee of six hundred pounds. Lydia agrees, and he assists her in sending a letter to Thorpe Ambrose, claiming to be Allan's widow.
The next day, Lydia gets a visit from Bashwood, who delivers the news that Neelie is beside herself with grief, and Mr. Darch is handling the matter of the inheritance, which was going to go to Allan's cousin, before Lydia announced her claim.
Bashwood returns a few days later with a shocking letter from Yugoslavia: Allan is alive! This is where I'd normally try to write a funny version of the letter, but nothing I could possibly write would be funnier than the actual letter's opening line: "I have been the victim of a rascally attempt at robbery and murder." Yes, "rascally." Oh, Allan, never change. One of the would-be murderers took pity on Allan and didn't securely board up his cabin, so he was able to escape instead of sinking with the yacht.
Lydia turns to Downward for help.
Downward: What if we trap Allan in the sanitarium?
Lydia: And murder him?
Downward: WTF, no. We get him to agree to not press legal charges against us.
Lydia: And then we murder him?
Downward: I have so many regrets about teaming up with you
Lydia: How do we catch him?
Downward: You could get Bashwood to lurk around the train station and intercept him before anyone else sees him. Have him tell Allan that Miss Milroy was sent here because she was driven insane by her grief for him.
Lydia: Can we murder Allan and Miss Milroy?
Downward: I am running an unlicensed sanitarium under a false name, and even I think you're unhinged.
Lydia: Gwilty as charged
Downward: But wait, what if he doesn't agree immediately, and we have to keep him here for months? What if I have actual patients at the time, and they report us?
Lydia: What if...
Downward: ...please don't say "murder"
Lydia: ...what if he had an accident?
Downward: Oh. Well, if it was an "accident," that would be okay. I don't know how an accident could happen, though, if you aren't an inmate here.
Lydia: I'll think about it
Meanwhile, Bashwood keeps vigil at the train station, until one day he sees... Ozias, who is searching for Lydia because she's stopped writing to him. While they talk to each other, Bashwood can't contain his shock at hearing that Lydia is Ozias's wife, and accidentally calls her "Mrs. Armadale," which understandably makes Ozias suspicious, so he follows Bashwood to see where he goes, which of course leads him straight to Lydia. Lydia pretends she was never married to Ozias, and Ozias faints from the shock.
Lydia heads straight to the sanitarium, tells Downward she's going to be an inmate, and asks for a sleeping draught. Downward prepares the draught, but first places yellow liquid in a purple flask. He then informs Lydia of what he thinks they should say at the inquest after Allan dies: The two of them knew he hadn't drowned, but when he arrived in England, they decided to trap him in the sanitarium because, shortly after his marriage to Lydia, Allan had starting having a delusion that he was engaged to Neelie. Once in the sanitarium, Downward diagnosed Allan with an incurable and fatal brain ailment, and that's what killed him.
Downward has scheduled a "Visitors' Day" so that people will witness Lydia as an inmate in the asylum. The visitors are mostly women, because life as a woman in Victorian England was so boring, they had nothing better to do than go to sanitariums to gawk at the mentally ill people and see where they will eventually live when the hysteria finally drives them mad. (I am only barely paraphrasing. The actual quote is "In the miserable monotony of the lives led by a large section of the middle classes of England, anything is welcome to the women which offers them any sort of harmless refuge from the established tyranny of the principle that all human happiness begins and ends at home.")
Downward shows them around the sanitarium and explains how it will be run, including only allowing novels that make people feel comfortable. (I assumed this was an intentional satire of Wilkie's critics, and the notes in the Oxford World's Classics edition confirmed this.)
But then Downward gave a sales pitch that damn near sold me on his sanitarium. "I throw up impregnable moral intrenchments between Worry and You. ... Will ten minutes’ irritation from a barking dog or a screeching child undo every atom of good done to a nervous sufferer by a month’s medical treatment? There isn’t a competent doctor in England who will venture to deny it!" Considering I almost couldn't post last week's discussion because of a few hours' exposure to two loud children and a labradoodle, I'm about ready to self-diagnose with hysteria and deranged lunacy.
He also explains that while the bedrooms lack fireplaces, they're heated with hot water. This impressed me because I've read about Victorian insane asylums not having fireplaces in the bedrooms (since the inmates might burn themselves), but I always assumed this meant that the inmates were cold in the winter. But wait... the bedroom also has secret controls that let him open, close, and lock the window and door from the outside, and a vent that lets him pump gas into the room. Whaaat? I rescind my diagnosis of hysteria and deranged lunacy. I want nothing to do with this.
After the tour is finished, Downward demonstrates to Lydia how to prepare the poison, and then breaks the bottle so that his assistant (who doesn't know about the purple flask) will think there's no more of that chemical in the house.
Meanwhile, Ozias is stalking Bashwood at the train station. He thinks Lydia is cheating on him, and Bashwood is waiting for Lydia's lover. But then he sees Bashwood with Allan. After confronting the two of them, he learns Bashwood's story about having to take Allan to Neelie in the sanitarium. Realizing that Lydia is probably still behind Bashwood's actions, Ozias insists on going with the two of them. On arriving at the sanitarium, Allan is informed that Neelie cannot see him until the morning, but he and Ozias are welcome to spend the night: Allan in Room Four, and Ozias in Room Three.
Lydia sets Bashwood up to spy on Allan's door from a room with a grate in its door. She tells him to make sure Allan stays in his room all night. Later, watching from the grate, Bashwood observes Ozias leave his room and examine the fumigating apparatus connected to Allan's room. Then Ozias stuffs his handkerchief in the grate, blocking Bashwood's view, before going into Allan's room and convincing Allan to switch rooms with him.
Later that night, Lydia returns and asks Bashwood if anything happened. Too afraid to tell her about the handkerchief, he tells her nothing happened, and she dismisses him to bed. After almost convincing herself to not go through with it, she then starts the process of pouring the poison at five minute intervals. While waiting for one of the intervals to pass, she notices Ozias's handkerchief and realizes that Bashwood lied to her. She checks in Room Three, and finds Allan asleep where Ozias should be.
In a panic, Lydia rushes into Room Four and drags the unconscious Ozias out. She then continues to pour the poison, writes a last letter to Ozias, and locks herself in the room.
We end with an epilogue that rapidly ties up all the random loose ends. Lydia has been buried in a nearly unmarked grave. The doctor is apparently still running his sanitarium. Allan and Neelie will be married in the spring. Mrs. Milroy doesn't have much longer to live, but she's undergone a personality change for some reason and she and the Major are happy for once. Ozias is recovering and living with Allan. Mother Oldershaw is a religious speaker, apparently. Bashwood has gone insane. Manuel drowned.
But wait, one last thing: Wilkie has something to say to us. He wants us to know that he intended the dream to be left up to interpretation. Thanks for handing me a discussion question like that, Wilkie. He also shares a weird-ass story about how, after he'd finished the rough draft and while the story was in the middle of serialization, several people were poisoned in their sleep on a boat called The Armadale. Okay, Wilkie. Thank you for that incredibly weird anecdote.

Going through the relationship as all go the first year is fantastic. Love everywhere, happy to be around each other, can't wait to reunite again. Then year two comes along and couldn't be more opposite.
We began having arguments everyday if not every other day. Due to any variety of reasons. She specifically wants attention all the time and no one else to exist in my life. Wanting me to show everyone outside that she is the only one in my life and will be the only one.
If outside she will make comments like " why aren't you holding my hand? What am I not your GF?"
"You're walking too fast why not walk beside me like I'm your GF" - happens the same if I walk too slow.
" You talk more to other women than me" -only happens when I'm checking out from a restaurant or purchasing products from the grocery store.
Going through my phone every day making sure I'm not talking to women and if I am like my therapist or a co worker which is all only professional she will block them out text them back something mean then confront me on it.
Believe me this woman was the only person I talk to on a regular basis. I am very quiet and rather be kept alone. So she received all the attention I could possibly give.
Then came the rainbow of sunshine of physical and mental violence. Just last weekend she flipped her lid on me for being drunk trying to escape my reality. (Not the first time) Grabbing my hair and spitting in my face, slapping me multiple times, screaming in my face relentlessly to rattle your ear drums, drag me out of my bed by the ankles, throwing me against the wall, blocking the door so I can't leave the room, smashing all glasses and plates against the wal, ripped 3 shirts off of me clawing my skin on my chest to bleed and more that I cannot recall now. Almost lost my left eyeball twice.
Now this didn't just happen out of no where. The arguments which usually is her angry and ranting at me while I'll be quiet and stare at the wall. Have built up to this shit spearhead. An escalation of force. Seeing that I'm tired of getting my ass kicked the final straw was that I had to bring her to work since her car is broke. She was angry that I was not interested in conversing in the a.m. before work she decided to throw coffee on my face then proceeded to slap the shit out of me.
I played it cool brought her to work then she angrily left for work. Then I went home to pack my things and leave to get a new place. I paid the next months rent in full so she has time to put money away to find a new place. The last thing I told her is that I paid next months rent and am only willing to fix her car for her so she can be functional. Other than that the relationship is over.
She refuses to let me go spamming me relentlessly and calling my work to pretend as a customer who randomly met me trying to get in contact with me. My co workers know the scenario and are hiding me from her. And this is an entire 15-20 people trying to hide me as much as possible.
Now this scenario didn't just happen from only one person, I've said some mean things too as well but no where near the things she will do/say to me. It's a huge difference in comparison. I do love the memories we had and sometimes think about answering her calls to talk. But this is the second time I've left her. The third time WON'T make things better. I want to help her as she does not make much money and can't afford the apartment we lived in. Nor can she put money away to get a new one. She spends allot of her money on marijuana.
Just want to find a way to make sure that she can prosper as she is in a pickle financially. Though she does have her mother in this town as I have no one. Which is why I want to fix her car so she can be functional but I cannot go any where near that house without her trying to make us a relationship again.

(See update at the end) Some context before I (32m) get into the situation as I feel it's important to how I reacted. I have been in two situations, one as a 6-year-old and at 28, that involved women and unwanted touching and beyond in both occasions I have been powerless as a child or incapacitated as an adult like unable to control my bowels or bladder kind of incapacitated. Both my wife and my guest are aware of my past. I'm trying to keep this broad stroke so as not to violate any rules, but again I think this context is important.
So on to the current situation. We currently have a (26f) friend who is living out of a tent, and we often invite her over so she can do laundry, shower, and other hygiene tasks. In this instance, I decided to hop onto my computer and play some games while she did her stuff and hung out with the wife while I chatted back and forth with them a bit. As she wrapped up her visit, she approached me from behind and hit me with a hairbrush not hard just to get my attention. It for sure startled me, and I did snap at her telling her to stop. I looked up at her from my chair, and she does it again, and I tell her to stop again while making direct eye contact with her, which she doesn't doing it once more and then demanding I hug her, which I refuse to do, telling her very clearly "fuck no, I don't want to touch you," and I follow that up with if you keep going like this I'm going to kick you out. She gives me a kinda laugh and says whatever, I'm leaving anyway and then touches me again.
I get to my feet now both extremely panicky feeling and angry we have a bit of a scuffle not a fight, and I end up shouting at her to leave and not come back. I felt entirely violated in my own home during all this, but both her and my wife insist it was just a game and she did not mean it despite me telling her no repeatedly and both my wife and the guest hearing it. I'm for sure not saying my behavior was great, and I've been seeking long-term treatment to help with my issues both mainly being PTSD related to my time as an Army MP and the events mentioned in my personal life. Despite that, I 100% should not have acted in anger like I did.
So am I wrong for feeling the way I do? Or is the wife and the guest right and it was just a game and she didn't mean it.
EDIT: to be 100% upfront it escalated and I reacted (badly) physicality was involved but as also pointed out I was near panicked and overwhelmed due to my past.
EDIT 2: EDIT: Gonna try and respond to a few more posts then I've gotta have a break. I do thank everyone that took the time to write out comments or interact with me.
Edit 3?: My husband gave me access to this account, and I told him I wrote down my perspective. When I asked if I should add it, he said "it's up to you." So here it is.
Our friend approached my husband, who was playing an online cooperative action game on his computer, at his desk. I was sitting on the couch about 8 feet behind them, waiting for my friend to be ready for me to drive her home. She was wearing a long night shirt with a loose v-neck. She stood at his left side peripheral for about 2 seconds before she tapped the back of her hairbrush firmly against the side of his left shoulder. I immediately was not comfortable with this, as I don't tend to engage in horseplay unless someone else has repeatedly demonstrated to me that it's a method of expression that they like and want. I do enjoy my husband's frequent physicality with me, including picking me up or tickling me. My friend and husband have engaged in horseplay on many occasions before, tickling, poking at one another's stomach, and playfully throwing soft objects. This often included my friend's fiance, who usually only reciprocated with my friend. I will frequently smack my husband on the butt, but only when I am sure he is in a mood to be okay with it.
My husband said, "Hey, I'm busy," and didn't turn to her at first. She hit him again with the brush in the same spot, and my husband said "stop" in a normal voice, and my friend responded, saying "give me a hug (which we almost always all do at the end of visits). I don't remember if she hit him again, because he said (and I'm going to paraphrase, because at this point I began to get alarmed, and was only listening to the tone of his voice, and less to his words, unfortunately) that if she didn't stop, he'd make her leave. She said lightly that it didn't matter anyway; she was leaving. At this point, I realized by her teasing tone that she didn't understand how upset he was getting, which I did understand, through years of experience with his tone of voice and what it means. He didn't raise his voice, and I could hear that he was attempting to remain casual as he said something else, ending with "my dude" but that she had really pushed him past the point of anger and I didn't think she realized it. She put her hand on his shoulder, and he said "I don't want to fucking touch you now" and he stood up, and grabbed her by the neck of her shirt, pulling her foreward, and then put both hands around her throat, and I saw his hands tense, as he leaned down into her face and told her to leave the house and never come back. He pushed her backwards and she started to cry, and put her head down, hurrying to get pick up her things. My husband sat back down at his desk and didn't say anything else until I told him I was going to take the friend home and I'd be back, and he said "sure." The friend cried during the ride home, and her voice was harsh, but I wasn't sure if it was stress or physical. She did have marks on her throat, but those faded over the next few hours. She asked me repeatedly why he got so upset, and if anything was different, and I did point out to her that he said "stop," and she said that she thought it was part of the play. When I returned home, my husband did not seem upset, and seemed more relaxed than before, although he seemed nervous about my response to the situation. He said that he didn't remember putting his hands around her throat when I told him that he did.
My thoughts about this are that: 1) horseplaying with people with trauma, which all three of us have, to various degrees and in various forms, is potentially dangerous, and I'm frequently uncomfortable when it happens, although I often don't say anything, as I'm usually the odd one out when it comes to initiating social teasing, although I often enjoy receiving it.
2.) Our friend should have stopped at the word stop. I don't know why she didn't, but I don't think it was out of malice, because she genuinely did not seem to see how she was provoking him.
3.) Her actions were inappropriate, in my opinion, but his were potentially life-threatening and the fact that he didn't remember what he did was alarming. I am concerned that this will happen again, and he will have charges pressed in a situation where he is the first physical aggressor. This would be even worse if he inadvertently harms someone, and the escalation of force combined with memory issues in this latest case makes me worry that it might happen.
4.) I possibly could have prevented this from happening by being quicker stopping her or by getting between them, but I know from experience that once he has a grip on someone, I'm not strong enough to break it, and he ignores my presence or physically shakes me off if I try. He ignores my words entirely at these times. I expected her to see that he was upset before he snapped, because it seemed obvious to me, but she didn't, and I have no idea why. She's had lots of trauma of her own (as have I, including SA) in the past (and, like me, has worked in jobs that revolve around dealing with people dealing with trauma).
EDIT: (Husband) it's pretty late and I think both of us are headed for bed. I'll try to in the morning to respond more but after two days of comments I might be burned out a bit. As for everyone that took the time to share and respond thanks I do appreciate it.

(See update at the end) Some context before I (32m) get into the situation as I feel it's important to how I reacted. I have been in two situations, one as a 6-year-old and at 28, that involved women and unwanted touching and beyond in both occasions I have been powerless as a child or incapacitated as an adult like unable to control my bowels or bladder kind of incapacitated. Both my wife and my guest are aware of my past. I'm trying to keep this broad stroke so as not to violate any rules, but again I think this context is important.
So on to the current situation. We currently have a (26f) friend who is living out of a tent, and we often invite her over so she can do laundry, shower, and other hygiene tasks. In this instance, I decided to hop onto my computer and play some games while she did her stuff and hung out with the wife while I chatted back and forth with them a bit. As she wrapped up her visit, she approached me from behind and hit me with a hairbrush not hard just to get my attention. It for sure startled me, and I did snap at her telling her to stop. I looked up at her from my chair, and she does it again, and I tell her to stop again while making direct eye contact with her, which she doesn't doing it once more and then demanding I hug her, which I refuse to do, telling her very clearly "fuck no, I don't want to touch you," and I follow that up with if you keep going like this I'm going to kick you out. She gives me a kinda laugh and says whatever, I'm leaving anyway and then touches me again.
I get to my feet now both extremely panicky feeling and angry we have a bit of a scuffle not a fight, and I end up shouting at her to leave and not come back. I felt entirely violated in my own home during all this, but both her and my wife insist it was just a game and she did not mean it despite me telling her no repeatedly and both my wife and the guest hearing it. I'm for sure not saying my behavior was great, and I've been seeking long-term treatment to help with my issues both mainly being PTSD related to my time as an Army MP and the events mentioned in my personal life. Despite that, I 100% should not have acted in anger like I did.
So am I wrong for feeling the way I do? Or is the wife and the guest right and it was just a game and she didn't mean it.
EDIT: to be 100% upfront it escalated and I reacted (badly) physicality was involved but as also pointed out I was near panicked and overwhelmed due to my past.
EDIT 2: EDIT: Gonna try and respond to a few more posts then I've gotta have a break. I do thank everyone that took the time to write out comments or interact with me.
Edit 3?: My husband gave me access to this account, and I told him I wrote down my perspective. When I asked if I should add it, he said "it's up to you." So here it is.
Our friend approached my husband, who was playing an online cooperative action game on his computer, at his desk. I was sitting on the couch about 8 feet behind them, waiting for my friend to be ready for me to drive her home. She was wearing a long night shirt with a loose v-neck. She stood at his left side peripheral for about 2 seconds before she tapped the back of her hairbrush firmly against the side of his left shoulder. I immediately was not comfortable with this, as I don't tend to engage in horseplay unless someone else has repeatedly demonstrated to me that it's a method of expression that they like and want. I do enjoy my husband's frequent physicality with me, including picking me up or tickling me. My friend and husband have engaged in horseplay on many occasions before, tickling, poking at one another's stomach, and playfully throwing soft objects. This often included my friend's fiance, who usually only reciprocated with my friend. I will frequently smack my husband on the butt, but only when I am sure he is in a mood to be okay with it.
My husband said, "Hey, I'm busy," and didn't turn to her at first. She hit him again with the brush in the same spot, and my husband said "stop" in a normal voice, and my friend responded, saying "give me a hug (which we almost always all do at the end of visits). I don't remember if she hit him again, because he said (and I'm going to paraphrase, because at this point I began to get alarmed, and was only listening to the tone of his voice, and less to his words, unfortunately) that if she didn't stop, he'd make her leave. She said lightly that it didn't matter anyway; she was leaving. At this point, I realized by her teasing tone that she didn't understand how upset he was getting, which I did understand, through years of experience with his tone of voice and what it means. He didn't raise his voice, and I could hear that he was attempting to remain casual as he said something else, ending with "my dude" but that she had really pushed him past the point of anger and I didn't think she realized it. She put her hand on his shoulder, and he said "I don't want to fucking touch you now" and he stood up, and grabbed her by the neck of her shirt, pulling her foreward, and then put both hands around her throat, and I saw his hands tense, as he leaned down into her face and told her to leave the house and never come back. He pushed her backwards and she started to cry, and put her head down, hurrying to get pick up her things. My husband sat back down at his desk and didn't say anything else until I told him I was going to take the friend home and I'd be back, and he said "sure." The friend cried during the ride home, and her voice was harsh, but I wasn't sure if it was stress or physical. She did have marks on her throat, but those faded over the next few hours. She asked me repeatedly why he got so upset, and if anything was different, and I did point out to her that he said "stop," and she said that she thought it was part of the play. When I returned home, my husband did not seem upset, and seemed more relaxed than before, although he seemed nervous about my response to the situation. He said that he didn't remember putting his hands around her throat when I told him that he did.
My thoughts about this are that: 1) horseplaying with people with trauma, which all three of us have, to various degrees and in various forms, is potentially dangerous, and I'm frequently uncomfortable when it happens, although I often don't say anything, as I'm usually the odd one out when it comes to initiating social teasing, although I often enjoy receiving it.
2.) Our friend should have stopped at the word stop. I don't know why she didn't, but I don't think it was out of malice, because she genuinely did not seem to see how she was provoking him.
3.) Her actions were inappropriate, in my opinion, but his were potentially life-threatening and the fact that he didn't remember what he did was alarming. I am concerned that this will happen again, and he will have charges pressed in a situation where he is the first physical aggressor. This would be even worse if he inadvertently harms someone, and the escalation of force combined with memory issues in this latest case makes me worry that it might happen.
4.) I possibly could have prevented this from happening by being quicker stopping her or by getting between them, but I know from experience that once he has a grip on someone, I'm not strong enough to break it, and he ignores my presence or physically shakes me off if I try. He ignores my words entirely at these times. I expected her to see that he was upset before he snapped, because it seemed obvious to me, but she didn't, and I have no idea why. She's had lots of trauma of her own (as have I, including SA) in the past (and, like me, has worked in jobs that revolve around dealing with people dealing with trauma).

hi, i am 42 and i feel all i have in my life is my job and my parents of whom i live with.
i have no children or family or my own, and this failing has been eating away at me. tried to do something about it but nothing availed (career? string of dead end jobs. women? never reply or can ever get close to on a personal level). after my grandmum died a few weeks ago i really do begin to feel the clock ticking and this anxiety and worry, i dont know if thats a midlife crisis.
all i know, this is not just an episode of being 'down in the dumps'. its been something i feel its been growing inside me for years - not in my head, but feeling it from my gut. i'm starting to feel it interrupting my job. my get up and go has got up has gone. i just dont feel like working even though the rational part of me forces myself to just do it. i dont know if i have depression but lately i am in this state where i just dont feel like doing anything and i am just unhappy.
i used to be a gamer in my 30s as a hobby, but i havent even touched my ps5 for over 6 months. i've sold all my games. i just lost the will to play.
i have been seeing a counsellor for 11 years in trying to 'get help' (as everyone keeps saying) but i feel its done hardly anything for me. she has aspired me to do travelling to get out my comfort zone and meet people, which i have done. but thats it. even travelling is becoming meaningless now because i am constantly in this state of preoccupation. i know after a big holiday i'll never see those people again even if they add me on facebook or not (and when they don't, it hurts).
people say talk to friends and family. i have no real friends. never have. when i was a little boy in school, i was bullied. in secondary school i got focused on my studies thinking that eventually, a degree would unlock a life of fabulous riches. but i eventually learned the hard way with years of unemployment that it wasnt, back then. i tried reaching out to people, online via a facebook group, but it descended to insults and hurtful remarks that left me banned and made me punched the wall. my family doesnt know about my feelings, becaise from what i have seen, mental health is seen as taboo. they'll just admonish me, shout me down, tell me to get a grip. i cant really talk to them because they're going to deny theres a problem. and i dont want to break their hearts, especially my parents. i rather soak the pain than bring them in it. i love them too much to see them feel hurt for me.
social groups - when going out, if its not work or a family function, i largely have social anxiety. i so badly want to meet women and get a girlfriend, who hopefully becomes my wife and eventual mother to my kids and form my new family, but i just seem incapable of it. i just cant get close to a woman at that personal and intimate level. if i try, it results in failure and embarassment. at the rare times i did try, it just doesnt come out right. i once went to salsa dancing class in a big city nearby, trying to talk to women, but the anxiety was so overwhelming, i couldnt breathe, and thought i was going to have a heart attack, i had to get out of there. i never been back since. i dont even go to pubs. i think about women more and more - even women i wasnt attracted to at first, drives me crazy now. i remember when leaving a job to move to another, a lady colleague i worked alot with hugged me, and it felt unlike anything i felt before. it was amazing. the softness, the warmth, the care...its as if i was missing that my whole life. i was close to crying. i want to experience true closeness, and intimacy.
thats not to say i'm a virgin. i lost my virginity at 30 to an escort; that was a unsatisfying experience as even then i had anxiety and couldnt perform properly - i did it because i didnt wanted to be the '30 year old virgin'. i just cant seem to get close with women. i tend to obsess about them. my instagram feed is full of attractive women. seeing beautiful ones on tv, even if its just the weather girl or news reader, it drives me nuts. in my job, i work with journalists, and theres many women there. i can talk to them confidently and easily, IF ITS ABOUT WORK. the instances i tried to talk about life in trying to get to know them and get close to them, the barrier goes up. i can tell because they wont add me on fb or whatever. i just cant seem to hack it with women. no woman = no wife = no mother to my children = no family of my own = no legacy.
i appreciate some might say not having family should not mean one is a failure. however, as much as i tried to ignore it, i come from a culture whereby family trumps everything else - money, career, hobbies, everything. i been ignoring it for years. trying to chase a career, which ended up as a string of dead end temporary jobs. losing 15 years of my life to this, living from temp job to temp job, and going to over 200 job interviews in getting secure employment, enduring hundreds of devastating rejections. but, years later, i now have at least job security, which is most important, but am beginning to feel the limit of my pay. trying to chase a career, spending nights throughout the 2010s playing video games and enjoying my gaming career in that, playing adventure games...but now i have reached a point where i've 'run out' of games to play and nothing (except maybe gta6) will interest me in picking up a controller again. i've grown out of it, it seems. i even been travelling more too - i travel far, and so big holidays. from usa, to africa, to europe, to india, and soon to be going to australia... doing all sorts of holidays from cruises, ranch holidays, safari, hiking, group road trips, wildlife conservation volunteering, sailing the mediterrarian - grand, amazing experiences that does suspend my worries... but in the end, i keep coming back to them, this feeling of emptiness.
my big fear is seeing my parents get older and dying from a broken heart caused by me. my dad worked in construction but is retired and now freelances, and he tends to hurt himself in accidents as he gets clumsy. my mother works in a school. i have always lived with my family except during the years i was at university. i feel my mum and dad are my 'best friends' - sad as it sounds -and the thought of them both going to die somepoint in the future, fills me with dread. because i feel i have failed them, in not continuing the family line. failing to secure a legacy for us. to keep us all going, surviving through the next generation. when i think about it deeply, our bloodline has been passed down for thousands of years, surviving through all sorts such as wars, plagues, and revolutions. i feel compelled to continue it, as if its a duty, and i dont want my parents to die with their last thoughts being disappointment. i can see it in my dads eyes already, the sadness. he wants to play with his grandchildren, but he has none, and all his friends shows off their grandkids. similarly with me, i see people i went to school with, and ex-colleagues i used to work with...they all have kids and a house of their own and a car. i have none of that. i stand NO chance buying a house of my own as i simply can't afford it, and renting will be throwing my money away living on other peoples crap. i said to my parents i want to inherit this home when they go, because my memories are here. my history. our family memories. my happy childhood memories, growing up, the birthdays, playing with my brother, my parents, the fun times growing up, coming back from school, doing homework, watching football together on the TV in the 90s, our first pc, all of it. all of these amazing experiences back then, i love to go through again, but this time with my own kids, seeing them grow up, playing with toys, drawing, having a first pet, etc...to navigate life with them as a father, and teaching them what i believe is required to be a good person.
before you say it, i'm not just doing it for my parents. i want a family for myself. i feel if i failed to have children, failed to find someone who loves me, failed to have any friends, failed to have had any influence or imprint on the world nomatter how small - i actually feel i'm not part of this world. to quote ellie from the last of us, my life would not have 'fkn mattered'. its as if i am a 'watcher', if that makes sense, not part of the fabric of this world and civilisation. watching it all from a window. that'll lead me to questions like why i am i here, leading to a probable, and painful, full-on existential crisis. when its my parents' time, when they grow old and die, and if i'm left all alone, i dont think i'd want to live anymore. i'm praying to find something. of course, i know i have to DO something, but my mind draws a blank. i cant ignore what my body is telling me anymore. but then, i step outside the house, and i dont know what to do, socially. when i approach someone, i get anxiety attacks. in my town, people are aggressive - its also possible if i approach a woman here i might end up getting assaulted, shouted at or shamed. sometimes theres no place to really go as i live in a small town. and as you get older, its harder to make friends, as people already have their established circles. i even remember my ex-manager talking to colleagues about this when we had a drink once and she asked 'how do you meet people' even though shes in her 50s and has established family and friends - indeed. how, for those who do not.
for coping, some people elsewhere suggested exercising. this is something i tend to do, but perhaps not enough of. i like to go on walks. theres a public park where i go and feed the ducks. seeing animals makes me happy. when the baby ducks swim to me wanting the kibble food it makes me feel wanted. i love animals. from dogs, cats and ducks - to even wild animals like the tigers i saw in india. i also did some hiking holidays, including going through some american national parks like yosemite, where i saw a family of bears at a distance. travelling is something i like to do too - in fact, i have more 'big' holidays coming up in usa again (alaska this summer), then australia, europe (croatia), the canadian rockies and maybe south america. i do these trips to get that out-of-body, 'blown away' feeling, of being thrilled, alive, and enjoying and experiencing life. it does help. but travelling is expensive. i'm not made of money.
all i want, is my own family..

I genuinely had no idea the depth this season would have. I just finished my second rewatch, watching edits, and reading people's analyses and metas. Nic was right when she said this season was romance because, wow, I’m speechless at just how much there is to their story. It keeps you going back, thinking, and pondering. To the point that I'm not as mad as I was about them splitting up the season. We're really able to take in these four episodes, unpack each scene, each character, and each expression because everything has been so purposeful.
On my second rewatch, it struck me that it wasn't the kiss that awakened Colin's feelings. I wouldn't have thought so until someone mentioned on twitter it wasn't the kiss Colin has a flashback of before he goes to the ball. it was the scene Pen wraps his hand with a cloth. I rewatched the show after that to pay closer attention and wow did so many things stand out to me the second time around. Maybe it was the candle that sparked that memory, but even then, was her wrapping his wound so significant to him that it prompted him to go to the ball, interrupt her dance, cause a scandal, and then chase her carriage?
Colin's behavior towards her has been odd the entire season. First, Penelope not responding to his letters messed him up. It made him realize that although he's always cherished her as a friend, she had a much more profound impact on him, and he didn’t notice until she was no longer there. He tries to talk to her, but she walks away, giving him the cold shoulder. He is left shook.
He sees her at the ball in her stunning dress. He keeps staring at her, so aware of her, constantly tracking her. Then she leaves, running up the stairs and passing him. He leaves his friends behind to go after her, despite their advice not to concern himself with her. They have that moment where he tells her he misses her, but in a much different way than he would have spoken to her last season or the season before that. "If you're going to make it, say it. I miss you." Not "I missed you," but "I miss you."
This distinction is crucial. "I missed you" implies a past tense, a temporary void that has now been filled. "I miss you," however, conveys a present, ongoing longing. It shows that his feelings are current and that her absence affects him deeply and continuously. This moment is pivotal because it reveals a more vulnerable and sincere side of Colin, one that he hasn't shown to others this season.
Colin is showing a different side of himself to everyone this season, including his own family. He's trying to present a more composed and assertive version of himself to the world. Yet, Penelope is the only one with whom he truly feels comfortable enough to be his genuine self. She makes him feel safe, allowing him to drop the mask he wears for others. With her, he can be kind, sensitive, and unguarded.
This sense of security that Penelope provides is significant. It’s clear that Colin values her presence not just as a friend, but as someone who understands him on a deeper level. She brings out the best in him, the parts he might be afraid to show others for fear of appearing weak or overly sentimental. In Penelope’s presence, Colin feels seen and accepted, which is why his declaration of "I miss you" carries such weight. It’s not just that he misses her company; he misses the person he is when he’s with her.
Then he seeks her out and comes to her house, gives her the big speech, and tells her he wants to get into her good graces. They go out, and he tells her to practice on those gentlemen. When she stumbles over her words, he just smiles so fondly at her. At this point, I don’t think he’s aware of his feelings, but I do believe he's starting to realize just how much he likes her. He really, really likes her. And he missed her so much, and being around her again is literally lifting his spirits.
One of my favorite moments is when they are at the market. Colin brings up the story of when they first met, leaning in and saying, "teasing me. Mercilessly, in fact." When he follows with, "I think I know why," it stands out to me because you can just see how different he is when he's with her compared to anyone else this season. Even with his family, his light is dim, and there is a cloud hanging over him. But with Penelope, especially in this scene, it's like a man who finally saw the sun after being stuck in endless rain. At this moment, I don't think he knows he likes her romantically, but he likes her even more than he did before. He notices how she makes him feel. He loves their banter and how clever and witty she is.
Penelope freaks out when he says this because she thinks she knows, and she keeps on walking. They are momentarily covered from each other by the rugs, and then Colin pops out and continues his sentence. Everything about it is so playful and flirtatious, even if unconsciously at this point. He’s just having so much fun, and it’s very different from how he used to interact with her before. That moment when Penelope says, "I should get back," leaning in and adding, "before we are noticed," is significant.
Then we have the moment when Colin says, "I've been eagerly awaiting your visit." By this point, he’s addicted to her. The interactions they had at the market, especially at the end, left a lasting impression on him. I see this as Colin testing his feelings, wondering, "Let me see if that was a fluke or if I actually like her." This moment is crucial because it reveals Colin's internal struggle and growing realization of his deeper feelings for Penelope. He’s no longer simply enjoying her company as a friend; he’s beginning to seek out her presence because it brings him genuine happiness and comfort.
This shift is evident in his behavior. Colin’s eagerness to see Penelope isn’t driven by a sense of duty or friendship; it’s a personal desire. His anticipation of her visit shows that her company has become something he craves. This is no longer about teaching her anything; he just wants to spend time with her, and you cannot convince me otherwise. Colin knows that teaching Penelope how to attract a husband doesn’t look right, as he mentions to Eloise. He is aware that his actions could be misinterpreted, and yet he persists. This indicates a level of emotional investment that goes beyond mere friendship or mentorship.
When Colin invites Penelope to the Bridgerton house and places a hand on her back, it’s a bold move that borders on scandalous. In the societal context of their time, such an action is highly intimate and could easily lead to gossip and speculation. Colin is well aware of this, which is why his decision to proceed regardless is significant. It shows that he’s starting to prioritize his personal feelings and desires over societal expectations and norms.
In Season 2, when he grabbed her hand and took her into a secluded room, he genuinely saw her as just a friend and didn’t see anything wrong with what he was doing. But this scene is different. Colin is aware that his feelings towards her are changing, and he doesn’t care about the impropriety. He just wants to be alone with Penelope. This awareness marks a turning point in Colin’s emotional journey. He’s beginning to accept that his feelings for Penelope are evolving into something deeper and more romantic.
His actions, such as eagerly awaiting her visit and ensuring they have private moments together, reflect a subconscious desire to explore these feelings further. He wants to understand the depth of his emotions without the interference of others. This need for privacy and his willingness to bend societal rules for her indicate just how significant Penelope has become to him. He values their time together, not just as friends, but as potential romantic partners. Colin’s behavior suggests that he’s on the verge of a profound realization about his true feelings for Penelope, setting the stage for further developments in their relationship.
Then we get to the moment that solidifies for me that he knows to some degree what he feels about her. When Penelope tells him his eyes are beautiful, he is visibly aghast, speechless. Jungshook. The compliment is so unexpected and disarming that he doesn’t know how to respond. Instead, he picks up his lemonade and chugs it down like a man who hasn’t had a drink in days. This reaction is significant because it shows how much Penelope’s words affect him on a deeper level. It’s not just flattery; it’s a moment of genuine vulnerability for Colin, revealing that her opinion of him matters more than he realized.
Now, let’s delve into the moment where I believe he realizes he likes her. I wouldn’t have thought anything of it and rewatched their moments with a different perspective if it weren’t for the flashback. The moment she wraps his hand is so intimate and romantic. She wraps his hand slowly, and he watches her intently as she does. There’s a tenderness in her actions that goes beyond mere care; it’s an unspoken connection. She continues holding his hand and slowly folds it, kind of caressing his fingers. This gesture is filled with unspoken emotions, and Colin feels it deeply.
She looks at him intensely, and he meets her gaze but looks down immediately, starting to fiddle with the end of the cloth like he’s nervous. This moment of eye contact is loaded with significance. Colin’s nervousness is a telltale sign that he’s starting to realize his feelings for her. He doesn’t pull away until she mentions his writing, and he gets overwhelmed. Despite all that, and even though he’s upset she read his journal, he asks, "Will I see you tonight?" This question is crucial. It shows that, despite feeling vulnerable and exposed, he craves her company. He just wants to spend time with her.
Even when he’s upset that she read his journal, his first thought is to secure more time with her. "Will I see you tonight?" is not just a casual question; it’s a plea for connection. Colin’s desire to spend more time with Penelope, even when he’s feeling vulnerable, underscores the depth of his feelings. He’s starting to recognize that his attachment to her is not just about friendship or companionship; it’s something much more profound. This realization sets the stage for the unfolding of his realizations and the emotional journey Colin is about to navigate.
Then the ball happens. Colin looks around the room for her and gives her a sexy smirk when he sees her. This smirk is significant because Colin typically reserves it for women he's flirting with, albeit usually in a fake and uncomfortable manner. However, this is the only time the smirk feels genuine and actually comes off as sexy instead of forced. The flirtatious "Good evening" from Penelope is everything, honestly. When she asks how his hand is, he replies, "All good, thanks to you." Sir, all she did was wrap it with a cloth; please be normal. At this point, he's fully aware he has a crush on her. He no longer views her as he did before. His entire demeanor is so much more different compared to their other lessons. There is an intensity to him when he's talking to her that wasn’t there before.
When Penelope talks with Lord Remington, it’s interesting that "Jealous" by Nick Jonas starts to play now and not after the kiss, when she converses with Lord Debling on many occasions where we know he's jealous. When Pen tells him she enjoyed her time with Lord Remington, he responds, "I'm certain he did as well," and he gets a bit awkward. Someone on Twitter mentioned that when Penelope was flirting and trying to engage with others, Colin wasn't jealous, but the moment she is herself and comfortable, his jealousy kicks in, as we saw in this scene. Someone said he's trying to gatekeep her lmao. He sees her smiling and enjoying herself—a part of herself she only shows him—and he can't handle it. Hence, why I believe they chose to play that song at this moment.
This moment is crucial because it highlights the shift in Colin’s feelings. His smirk, which is usually a façade, becomes real and filled with genuine affection when directed at Penelope. His awkwardness and jealousy when she talks to another man further emphasize that his feelings for her have deepened. Colin is no longer just a friend offering guidance; he’s a man who realizes he has a crush on her and is struggling to navigate these new emotions. The music choice underscores this emotional turmoil, perfectly capturing the internal conflict and realization he is experiencing.
And then everything else proceeds that leads to the kiss. I, like so many others, believed this is where he realizes his feelings for Pen. Someone on Twitter mentioned how his eyebrows furrowed and his lips quivered. When I first saw it, I wondered why this kiss would warrant such a strong reaction from Colin. At this point, it was just a kiss that Pen asked for in a moment where she thinks she is ruined and will never find a prospect. But upon rewatching, Colin's visceral reaction to the kiss, as evidenced by his furrowed eyebrows and quivering lips, suggests a deeper emotional resonance than he initially realizes.
Penelope tells him it would not have to mean anything, but for him but it did. He knows his feelings towards her have changed. If it had been just a kiss because she asked for it, it would have stopped after the first time. Just a fleeting moment of physical contact between friends. But they kiss a second time and it's from his pov this time. It's slow sweet and oh so romantic. It's a catalyst that triggers a flood of suppressed emotions and desires within him. In that brief instant, the walls he's constructed around his heart start to crumble, allowing his true feelings for Penelope to surface. it wasn’t a kiss that awakened his feelings; it was a kiss that confirmed it. And not just confirmed it, it made him realize it wasn't just a crush he developed this season but it brought all his dormant feelings to the surface from the past as well.
TLDR: I think he was aware that he liked her when she wrapped his hand specifically and the kiss made him realize that it wasn't just a crush—his feelings run much, much deeper than that.

https://twitter.com/JapanTank/status/1789491214968144105
 
[Japan in 2024]
 
It's the year 2024 in Japan, and people are so outbid even for orange juice that they have resorted to desperately making "orange-tangerine mixed juice." Women are traveling abroad to prostitute themselves so much that they are being refused entry into the United States, and even to the point where they are going to South Korea, which was far poorer even just a short time ago, to work as prostitutes. What was once a major trading and exporting nation has long since rested on its laurels, and now with a trade deficit of trillions of yen and nothing to export, it is desperately bowing down to people not only from Europe and the United States, but also from Southeast Asia, India, and even countries whose names we have yet to discover in the tourism industry in order to earn foreign currency.
 
Even though it is a country with extremely low wages, it provides subsidies of hundreds of billions of yen to foreign companies to build factories in the country, and yet young people still go abroad to work. The top tier of universities has been completely snatched up by foreign capital, and graduates from prestigious schools such as the University of Tokyo, Kyoto University, the former imperial universities, Waseda, and Keio are pursuing empty careers in consulting and the like rather than manufacturing, with no prospect of earning foreign currency. The top echelons of the working world are fleeing to America one after another, and once they do, they never come back. In urban areas, Japanese people pay rent for apartments to the Chinese owners every month, and while the Japanese lament that they cannot afford the high prices, the Chinese buy the apartments in cash, calling them cheap. The price of imported building materials has soared and it's difficult to even buy a house, but the company president keeps saying "Don't worry, don't worry!" and people are grateful for the good value for money house, and the company makes the highest profit ever, and the sales of the small house real estate agency that calls out to people in their 30s in street sales in front of the station and has the slogan "Let's go, one trillion" have finally exceeded one trillion.
 
Even though the price of an iPhone in the US dollar has not increased, there is uproar in Japan saying, "It's gotten expensive again!", and almost all mobile communication means, such as smartphones and LINE, are controlled by foreign companies. By preaching some vague, mysterious fantasy and delusion called Society 5.0, they are desperately trying to hide the fact that they have not achieved Industry 4.0, let alone the Third Industrial Revolution, and since neither the government nor the private sector has any IT technology to sell anymore, they are desperately promoting something that is hard to understand, saying how amazing IOWN is, and making it look like they are doing business.
 
This country, which once engaged in empty discussions such as "If there is a labor shortage, we can just bring in immigrants" and "It's better not to bring in immigrants," is now being told, "People go to Korea or Taiwan because the wages are low," and "Wages are higher in urban China," and so it has no choice but to deceive Vietnamese people and create a slave system to secure a labor force. The medical infrastructure, which was once one of the best in the world, has been eaten up by the elderly, and the working generation has been exploited to the point where they have finally reached the limit of what they can pay. As a result, drug prices have been forcibly lowered, and there are now countless foreign-made drugs that Japan is unable to procure, with people saying, "We won't sell to Japan at that low a price." Young people who could be saved with new medicines are not saved, and today, old people still gather happily at the hospital to get compresses, and are given medicine that only slows down dementia by 20-30% at a cost of 3 million yen per person. Elderly people in their 80s and 90s lie in bed, simply prolonging their lives by being bedridden, and their single sons in their 60s come to visit them occasionally, hoping to get their pensions. All of this is being borne by the young working generation, who are short of money and have hit an all-time low in marriage rates and a post-war low in birth rates.
 
The yen, once a currency coveted by people around the world, has become known as the "yen in times of emergency" and is now being sold off at bargain prices almost every day. Now one of the emerging currencies of the Far East, it is experiencing wild fluctuations in value and is managing to hang on by selling off the foreign exchange it had accumulated during its glory days, but it is unclear for how long it will be able to hold on. The country and its people have mistakenly believed that monetary and fiscal policies would solve the problem, put off structural reform, neglected technological development, and simply put everything off. Forgetting the bloody efforts of wise men of the past and the history of the dramatic changes that came with modernization, the old men of companies and organizations that flourished during the Showa era, steeped in old vested interests, are wielding their power, crushing new technologies and ideas, only for the people in question to be dead by the time they get away with it.
 
These young people, like those in the bellies of boiled frogs, are carrying a time bomb, and they vaguely foresee a future in which they will no longer be able to buy beef, flour, soybeans, oil, gas, uranium, or anything else, when foreign currency runs out, leaving society in ruins. But they simply turn a blind eye to this reality, and today, they are sipping mandarin orange juice while a girl looking for a sugar daddy is asked by an older man what color her underwear is.

Obligatory English is not my first language and writing this on Mobile notice. Warning reproductive system is involved in not so flattering ways. Don't read if rancid things make you feel nausea. Also don't read if you get mad easily, unless you're into that then you do you bubu.
Medical terms and definitions some people might not know:
Ovarian cyst- when an ovum decides it doesn't want to go down the fallopian tube and be a total jerk by hanging out in your ovary and suck up nutrients to grow indefinitely or until it pops creating the same pain as if a cyst popped inside testicles.
PCOS- condition that makes you have said ovarian cysts but for some reasons multiplied times too many. One ovary can easily have 8 cysts so imagine when both ovaries have it.
Dermoid Cyst- same as ovarian cyst but the composition is actually made of hair, teeth, bones, skin, etc. it's really gross to look at.
Struma Ovarii- an extremely rare type of dermoid cyst who's composition is mainly thyroid tissue. It makes up only .5% of dermoid cysts.
Ovarian torsion- when your ovary twists on itself or with the fallopian tube, often times cutting off blood supply if not caught on time.
Sepsis- when a part of your body starts to decay and releases chemicals into your body causing life threatening shock that need immediate medical treatment. Most can recover from it but takes a long time to recover, sometimes years.
Cystectomy- surgery that removes cyst(s)
Ooftarectomy- surgery that removes ovary
Bilateral- both sides
Hey everyone from the Two Hot Takes team, hope you're all doing well and have your seatbelts buckled in as this is one heck of a medical story doozy.
Back story: I had always suffered PCOS. The irregular yet heavy periods, the extra hair, and the multiple cysts. The problem was that I was a teen and apparently PCOS is not a big deal if it's on a teenager. It's also not a big deal if it's on a young adult that doubles over in pain from periods and wears overnight pads that need to be changed every 4 hours because thats not heavy enough to be of concern. Sometimes even doubling over on times when there is no period because those are just the cysts popping. I always did my pap smears and always went to the gyno, fully trusting them that what I had was not note worthy. So whenever I moved and got a new gyno, while it was mentioned nothing was done about it and I had assumed that was the norm.
It all started in October of 2023 when I felt a sharp pain in my right lower hip while I was at work. At that time I worked for a hospital as a host and only been working for a few months so thank goodness that I had access to the ER. Unfortunately for me my work place is a small hospital so there aren't any gyno nor obs. So the ER doctor just ordered an ultrasound and a trans-vaginal ultrasound (where they stick a dildo shaped ultrasound tool inside of you), and a CT scan without contrast due to iodine allergy. They initially said that due to the pain level I must be having appendicitis. However they instead found a 9cm (for reference a grapefruit is 10cm) cyst on the left ovary and a 4cm (walnut sized) cyst on the right. They said that while they are big and need to be removed, that a specialist needs to write the recommendation to do the surgery and that since our hospital didn't have any that I'll have to get an appointment with a gyno outside of the hospital. He prescribed me 500mg of ibuprofen and told me that I'm discharged. This was the first bs hospital policy of many that I will encounter in this roller coaster.
After getting an appointment with a gyno, I had another incident at work with the same crippling pain. I had the same double vision, nausea and fainting as the first time but this time I had fainted near a patient I was tending to. I didn't get into trouble for that as it was a medical condition that was previously recorded and I had been fine prior on that day. Just my ovaries decided to be jerks on that poor patient to which I apologized heavily to later. Instead my boss wanted answers as to why I was starting to become absent so frequently. I told her about what they found in the ER and how long it takes to get a specialist to see and how my ovaries just want to remind me that going up and down three flights of stairs daily to get to my apartment is making them more irritated.
Appointment time comes and instead of taking the findings for what they are, the gyno then decides to order the same exact tests but within his facility because that's apparently some kind of bs hospital policy that they have to do before giving the ok for a surgery.
I wait for the tests and had more time called off from work. Day of the tests and the ultrasound lady says "you have at least 8 cysts on your right with the biggest one being 7cm (peach sized) and on your left you have a massive one that is 10cm big". I told her "oh so it grew? Is it cancer then?" She calmed me down saying that ovarian cysts do grow as you get more ovulation cycles and that it doesn't mean that it's cancer. However that I most likely have PCOS and that the giant cyst is probably hiding the other cysts if not just merging with the other cysts ony left side. I told her I knew about the PCOS and that her explanation made sense as the dates between the scans had several months in-between since the specialist couldn't see me the day of the incident. (nor even the week of apparently because that's how it goes over here in the USA when it comes to specialists.) She then was surprised and said "I didn't see any PCOS medications on your chart". I told her I had no idea that there was such a thing. She told me not to worry that my new gyno will prescribe me meds.
After the tests, my gyno finally schedules a pre-op appointment, day of surgery and post-op appointment.The surgery would be performed on a second hospital where I don't work in. I arrive at pre-op, doctor tells me the exact same thing that my ultrasound lady said but he mentioned that there's a slight possibility for an ooftarectomy but that we're definitely doing a bilateral cystectomy. He prescribed me Metformin which is for preventing new cysts from forming. I was so happy thinking that I might be able to live a life free from these cursed cysts after the sury. Oh how things were going to turn out.
Turns out the day of the surgery Match 1st was my "6th month anniversary" (it's not I've been working since August of 2023) of working in the hospital. That meant that a new insurance policy was placed and the old one was replaced. I showed up on the day of the surgery and they told me that they couldn't do it because the new insurance wouldn't cover it due to no prior authorization. I had thought that the new insurance wouldn't kick in until my 1 year anniversary or until it was time for enrollment. I cried. I cried right there on the lobby in front of everyone. In front of my family, my boyfriend and coworkers that had woken up at 5 am to be there for moral support on their day off. There's so many hoops just to get treated. My boyfriend said that if a grapefruit sized cyst was on a testicle they would had treated it as an emergency but because it's on an ovary that it isn't.
I had collected myself and immediately scheduled for a new gyno appointment. Unfortunately the appointment was again several months. It was for August 28th. Luckily my cysts decided that was too far off. So I had another incident at work once again. I was rushed to another hospital instead of being discharged thankfully. However that said hospital then sent me away to another hospital because they weren't a "women's hospital" and that women's hospital said that they couldn't do anything without my gynos permission. That the best that they can do is call my gyno and claim that my appointment with her should be expedited but that my situation isn't an emergency. We told them to do what they need to do. At this point not even morphine helped with the pain.
Thankfully my gyno reached out to me stating that she was available to see me that week instead. I was able to see her and she saw that the women's hospital did some tests and the cysts were now 11cm left and 8cm right respectively. She said however that she can't use the tests from the women's hospital, that she had to schedule for the same tests to be done in her facility. I started to cry, again. It was the same dumb policy. I understand that some time had passed but it was only a few days in-between and having these tests won't show anything new other than possibly new growth. She promised that the tests will be scheduled under expedited and that it will be on April 28th. This was on March 26. At least she increased the dosage of the ibuprofen to 800mg so it would take the edge off a bit more.
On March 30 my boyfriend wanted to cheer me up by taking me to see his brother Orlando FL since he was getting married soon. We were supposed to stay there for a few days for the preparations. I had a small ache at the time so thought I just needed to take my ibuprofen and be on my way. My boyfriend noticed I was in pain and asked if I was ok, the pain was small so I said yes. His mother said "maybe we should leave her in the apartment so she can rest" to which my boyfriend said "I don't like that idea, if she can't come I'm not going". I was relieved because I didn't want to be alone if an incident were to happen again. My parents were running out of days to take off to be there in the hospitals (4 different hospitals at this point). The car ride made me sleepy as car sounds remind me of ASMR. It was a long ride but when I woke up we were already in Orlando. The pain had significantly increased. I thought if only I could just take another ibuprofen when we get to my future brother in law's place that I would be good. I.WAS.NOT.
As soon as we arrived nausea took over and I puked from the pain. The abdominal motion made the pain so much worse that I just started to scream in pain. It was so much pain I couldn't think or speak. My boyfriend knew it was the cysts and told everyone that he's going to take me to the ER. There wasn't a second I wasn't screaming in pain with tears running down my face. The hospital he tooke to said that they weren't the women's hospital however they do have a sister hospital that they will take me to called Winnie Palmer's Women's Hospital (I will forever name drop this hospital for what they did to me).
They immediately gave me medications that took the pain away, I was able to have a conversation with the doctors of what has been going on and the long history. They debated amongst themselves on whether or not to do the surgery but they in the mean time did tests while they kept calling my gyno for permission to do the surgery. The specialists in the hospital said that I don't have just regular cysts, I had a dermoid cyst and that my blood tests shows elevated levels of cancer antibodies. So they decided to go against policy and keep me hospitalized until they get permission from my gyno to get the surgery. My gyno finally reached out to them on Monday April 1st and they had me for surgery at 1pm. They found an ovarian torsion on my right size which explains why my right size hurt more than my left at times. Unfortunately the ovary was necrosed same as the fallopian tube, they theorized reason why tests showed "healthy blood flow to the ovary". The first theory was that the ovarian turn kept being undone and turned again. Which if that was the case I would have been dead before any professional would have seen me on April 28th. The second theory was that the type of dermoid I had was a Struma Ovarii which basically acted like a second thyroid glad in my right ovary. So when they saw it on the tests they thought it was my ovary when in reality it was my second thyroid getting blood supply. On the second theory I would have still died because the necrosed ovary would have eventually expanded and exploded. Spreading putrid flesh into my body's cavity on top of bleeding profusely as that would undo the knot, quickly ending my life if medical attention wasn't given immediately. They removed the large cyst on my left ovary alongside another Struma Ovarii. Turns out I hit the lottery of thyroids. They suspect that the antibodies is due to genetics since my family history is riddled with cancer survivors.
I got discharged after the surgery and when it was my April 28th testing appointment it turned into my post-op appointment lol. My gyno saw my stitches and gave me clean bill of health. However the gyno from the other hospital called and wanted to see me. So we traveled all the way to Orlando again. She wanted to see for herself how I was doing and she was concerned that since it was two Struma Ovarii that my body might have been relying on those two thyroids in addition to my OG thyroid to function. So she's worried that I might be having lower levels now. So she ordered to do thyroid test and genetic tests to see if the cancer antibodies theory can be proven.
So now I'm waiting for when I move to NC since my old job could no longer tolerate the absences and my apartment rent got higher while also not having a grace period for me to gather money to break lease. My boyfriend decided that he would quit his CNA job so that he could pull out his 401(k) and help me break off the lease and move in to his apartment in NC while I recover from surgery. I'm so glad he refused to leave me alone and he wasn't afraid to speak for me to doctors to do the surgery while I was drugged up. He's currently applying for CNA positions so that he can get health insurance ASAP and add me to the policy as soon as we get married. In mean time we also wait for thyroid test and genetic tests. Will update after all the testing.