https://www.wtsglobal.com/public_html/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/Envy-Extreme-Vio.pdf
Crossposting audience: The bad news is there does not seem to be a cure for envy. This is congruent with the recidivism statistics of maladapted/antisocial behavior in narcissists, without which narcissism and those with NPD would not be so socially undesirable. However, there are clear signs that the circuitry of envy is noticeably different than the circuitry of admiration, and that jealousy pathways are similar to addiction and expectation of reward pathways. A neuroeconomic analysis of "I won't win this one without illegal/unethical leveling" may be occurring in the envious, showing there may be insight that could resolve what has been until this point and unresolvable emotion full of frustration and pain at the perceived inferiority these individuals suffer. It is important to study and resolve this to help protect their victims from violence, psychological, and economic abuse, theft, hostage-taking of what is critical to the envied person, and unreasonable dislike that turns into hate crime on a whim. Victims deserve protection (the envious say the opposite) and so we research. Follow this subreddit for the first research-backed subreddit on envy.
Intense envy is associated with shame, depression, inferiority, isolation, anxiety, paranoia, and even violent criminal behavior.
Envy is an emotion capable of producing distorted perceptions and cognitions. Intense envy is associated with adverse states such as shame, depression, inferiority, isolation, anxiety, paranoia, and even violent criminal behavior.
The envious can become violent when they want to destroy goodness as perceived advantage, especially if they do not feel they possess goodness
There may come a point at which the envious person's goal is to harm the other's ability to enjoy the perceived advantages—the wish to destroy goodness as formulated by Melanie Klein.
Obliterative envy is the violent instantiation of envy focusing on a desire to obliterate what is perceived as an unjust, intolerable reality
The psychodynamics are discussed by which destructive envy produces or enhances a persecutory mindset and desire for revenge so powerful that lethal violence is chosen as an option. The concepts of obliterative envy and pseudo-spiritual transformation are introduced, and forensic case examples are used to demonstrate how envy produces persecutory cognitions and facilitates the desire to “obliterate” what is perceived as an unjust, intolerable reality.
Increased projection of the malicious or terrorist impulse is the sign of an escalation in the violent envious person’s ability to commit violence. As they grow more out of control in this respect, the more likely they are to actually engage in these actions.
The false logic of envy convinces the individual that they have an unfavorable and immutable disadvantage—thus, the other appears enhanced while the individual feels diminished. This depressing, humiliating position generates resentment toward the other. Depending upon developmental experience and other psychosocial factors, the individual with envy may increasingly use projection, projective identification, and experience persecutory thoughts.
The envious other wants to harm or destroy the other’s ability to enjoy these perceived advantages
There may come a point at which the envious person's goal is to harm or destroy the other's ability to enjoy the perceived advantages.
A bizarre scenario is witnessed where someone sacrifices their own life from spite to hurt the envied
. In some cases, extremely envious individuals are willing to spitefully sacrifice their own lives in an act of violence. The act may be felt as revenge for some perceived or actual injustice, but the driving emotion is intolerable envy, consciously recognized by the attacker or not.
We conclude by reviewing the challenges of detecting severe envy and preoccupation with lethality in treatment and in non-treatment settings where threat assessment protocols may be applied.
Obliterative envy is the state of mind arising from overwhelming narcissistic rage and resentment
. Obliterative envy is the state of mind arising from overwhelming narcissistic rage and resentment, leading the individual to destroy the envied other, and simultaneously himself, to negate the detested situation in its entirety. Pseudo-spiritual transformation is the state of mind by which the perpetrator's personal grievance is justified and elevated to the level of a spiritual or religious imperative.
Proximal warning signs are pathway, fixation, identification, novel aggression, energy burst, leakage, last resort, and directly communicated threat
The TRAP-18 consists of 8 proximal warning behaviors—pathway, fixation, identification, novel aggression, energy burst, leakage, last resort, and directly communicated threat—and 10 distal characteristics—
10 distal characteristics are found, however odd patterns shown in intelligence of purposefully creating these conditions should be noted for terroristic envy from the inside themselves
personal grievance and moral outrage, framed by an ideology, failure to affiliate with an extremist or other group, dependence on the virtual community, thwarting of occupational goals, changes in thinking and emotion, failure of sexually intimate pair bonding, mental disorder, greater creativity and innovation, and history of criminal violence.
Acknowledging envy declares one’s inferiority which causes shame
To acknowledge envy is to declare one's felt inferiority, which in turn triggers additional feelings of shame (Ronningstam, 2005).
Enviers can be seen in both ideation of crime and premeditated crime experience a fierce kind of sadistic pleasure when contemplating violence toward the envied
Among all the so-called seven deadly sins (pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, sloth), Milic (2019) argues that envy produces nothing but mental anguish and is devoid of even an initial burst of pleasure or immediate gratification. We would suggest that envy may hold within it both masochistic pleasure, and well as a fierce kind of sadistic pleasure when contemplating violence toward the envied.
Painful and resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another joined with a desire to possess the same advantage can be seen
Confusion of terms has long been the case where envy and jealousy are concerned; examples abound. For instance, “I am jealous of her good looks,” is more accurately an admission of envy. Envy, in its simplest form, is defined in the dictionary as a “painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another, joined with a desire to possess the same advantage” (Merriam-Webster.com, 2021).
Romantic jealousy is fear of loss of mate and mate retention behaviors, and envy is seen as someone threatening to take away advantage personally
Romantic jealousy has been found to be positively correlated with feelings of insecurity, low self-esteem, and mate retention behaviors (Chin et al., 2017). Whereas in envy, advantage is perceived as belonging to the other; in jealousy, a rival is seen as threatening to take away the advantage (Anderson, 2002).
Narcissistic injury too unbearable to tolerate causes violence. A poisoning quality is specific to the violently envious
In the case of both tension states, it is a matter of degree—how much does the negative comparison lead the sufferer to experience painful feelings of inferiority and shame that result in a narcissistic injury too unbearable to tolerate? Is there the potential for narcissistic rage in its various manifestations, including violence? As the UK advice columnist Irma Kurtz wrote, “jealousy fights duels, envy poisons the soup (Kurtz, 1987).” Table 1 lists the comparative characteristics of envy and jealousy.
Insatiability, and excessive willingness to even take out themselves and their own security, even if it be financial, to take out the person they are envious of can be seen in the violently envious person. They are competitive and will do anything to stop being thrown into relief as less advantaged with the envied person.
Moreover, envy is historically and consistently referred to as hidden and insidious (Epstein, 2003; Minou, 2017). Envy may often be denied because of its implication of inferiority, unwarranted malicious temptation in the envier, and especially its potential for destructiveness. Envy increases within the sufferer the likelihood of developing depression, lowers resilience, and destabilizes self-esteem (Xiang et al., 2020). Those laboring under strong envy are insatiable, competitive, and may be willing to sacrifice their own outcomes to diminish the envied person's perceived advantage (Smith & Kim, 2007
As a result, people report greater feelings of envy and inadequacy.
Passively browsing Facebook apparently incites lots of envy in the envy prone who may try to destroy or at least erase the presence of the one who makes them feel that much envy. Out of sight, out of mind for the envier is desired for and they try to make it a reality
Even passively browsing Facebook can lead to negative social comparison, envy, social isolation and a significantly impaired sense of life satisfaction (Morawska, 2019). Younger persons who spend more time on social media are more susceptible to these effects than older persons.
Consumed with envy and shame (violence most likely) becomes over time guilt-ridden and self-punishing as they continue to avoid feelings of narcissistic inaccessibility, aka, being reminded of what they can’t or don’t have.
Klein first theorized that mature development required transition from the persecutory position (consumed with envy and shame) to the depressive position (guilt-ridden and self-punishing) in order to avoid feelings of victimization and narcissistic inaccessibility (Klein, 1975).
Envy can be a driving emotion in some who go on to commit acts of extreme violence
Those with strong paranoid and narcissistic traits have been observed to suffer from a desire to destroy the goodness they perceive they have been unjustly denied. Such individuals seek to destroy the other's ability to enjoy the whole object pleasures of love or achievement (Zizek, 2008). Envy can be a primary driving emotion in some who go on to commit acts of extreme violence (Hyatt-Williams, 1998; Knoll, 2010a, 2010b).
Narcissism starts to distort senses of justice in envy. The “justice sense” suddenly becomes distorted and no longer justice in the envious instantiation.
Other main themes associated with envy in the psychological literature involve the envious person's perception of fairness and justice, narcissism, hostility, and grudge holding (Anderson, 2002; Milic, 2019; Nauta, 2009).
Entitlement is part of envy; the envious feel that they are withholding the goodness or justice of things like “having sex with the girls in the hottest sorority”. Externalization, projection and projective identification can be seen. These individuals show impaired ability for sympathy, empathy, regret, reconciliation or gratitude which all require an ability to see someone else as human who may feel things like they do, aka, an increased disposition to commodify agents is seen.
In the P-S position, the individual's worldview is based on feelings of mistreatment and frustration at what is perceived as intentional harm, injustice, or purposeful withholding of advantages. The P-S position is associated with the use of maladaptive defense mechanisms such as splitting, externalization, projection, and projective identification. Such individuals will have an impaired capacity for sympathy, empathy, regret, reconciliation or gratitude—emotions that necessitate an ability to represent others in one's mind as whole, real, and meaningful individuals. Via projection and projective identification (an incomplete projection wherein the projected content continues to threaten the self), such individuals perceive others as actively persecuting them by withholding the goodness, justice, or fairness to which they feel rightfully entitled (Grotstein, 1981)
Not getting what they feel entitled to is a profoundly depressing and humiliating experience for those who have an excessive predisposition to commodify and then feel entitled to things that should not have ever been commodified
As a result of their perception of intolerable injustice, some may become overwhelmed with a sense of loss that cannot be mourned (Feldman & De Paola, 1994). Grief is subsumed by personal grievance. There is then the potential for hostile revenge fantasies, followed by an unwillingness to forsake a martyrdom fantasy of ultimate and final revenge. Envy may defy common sense, yet its logic can be understood. Envious persons see the object of envy as big or advantaged, while they feel small and disadvantaged. This is a profoundly depressing and humiliating experience for the envious who are left harboring resentment and injustice, emotions which are often a product of depleted omnipotent fantasies (Anderson, 2002).
Defense of projection may hypertrophy to distort their perceptions of others as greedy, spiteful, and intentionally persecutory–aka, someone very rich may start projecting on others as greedy to project off the shame they feel for greed. Or, someone who is antisemitic with lots of wealth may suddenly become fixated on Jews to relieve themselves of the guilt they feel for not helping people.
They may come to experience—whether acknowledged as compensatory or not—a “malicious glee” (schadenfreude) over other's misfortune, which can develop into an addictive like pursuit of sadistic joy over others' sorrows. Their defense of projection may hypertrophy to distort their perceptions of others as greedy, spiteful and intentionally persecutory
Social pain over a perceived failure to meet some internalized level of value is seen
in contrast to the dynamic of a negative comparison defining envy, shame is “a painful feeling of an interrupted sense of joy, relationship, status, or pride, because of exposure of one's failure to meet standards or ideals” (p. 37). The key phrase here is not meeting “standards,” which suggests social pain over a perceived failure to meet some internalized level of value. S
Shame for feeling hate then leads to self-hate, and this suffering sees no relief until they decide to commit extreme violence
A vicious cycle may ensue, in which the envier is ashamed of feeling hateful, and then hates himself for feeling such negative emotions—which make him further aware of his inadequacy. In actuality, we suggest that these powerful negative emotions—shame, envy, hatred of others and hatred of self—are so interrelated that they may all be in play in the sufferer who chooses extreme violence.
Irrational suicidal behavior often called a “psychic death” can be found on people with extreme narcissistic injury and envy.
Gilligan's interpretations may not explain all instances of extreme violence, but they are consistent with what we call the obliterative mindset. The perpetrator has lost the capacity for undistorted judgment and to sublimate aggression. The “self” is already dead. He is now ready to override the survival instinct and fully embrace a drive toward death (Anderson, 2006).
A deep sense of victimizations promotes a righteous vengeance that then aggressively devalues the other to promote the self, as they do not feel like they will compare organically without aggressively manufacturing the devaluation of the other
. In the distorted logic of severe envy, a deep sense of victimization allows martyrdom and/or righteous vengeance to devalue the other and promote the self to heroic status.
The envious person decides he is going to show the world his true self, which in the end is nothing but another terrorist, one of many people who did nothing with their lives but just kill other people out of rage, envy and entitlement
Intolerable conditions and even the imperfect self are wiped clean, leaving only the perpetrator's final judgment, which is not open to appeal. The violent extremist warped by severe envy is drawn to a statement of self-affirmation to counteract overwhelming shame. By obliterating the unacceptable reality, his sacrifice seems worthwhile to him to re-establish his sense of self. Or as the violent perpetrator Elliot Rodger wrote: “Finally, at long last, I can show the world my true worth” (E.R. Manifesto, 2014). The paradox, however, is compelling: obliterating the actual self to realize just before death the perfect and omnipotent self.
Around the time of extremism, rigidity can be seen and is palpable on the one engaged in covert or overt acts
. Beliefs in the superiority of one's cause become rigidly fixed and overvalued (Rahman et al., 2019).
Extreme imbalances of what is given from what is taken is a clear signs of extreme envy, suggesting economic abuse is motivated by envy in many cases
: “Everything is gone. What I own is just gonna be a pittance compared to what I am going to take.” The distorted logic of severe envy can be seen at play in MH's statement: “It's a kind of a community that in order for you to get ahead, you have to keep the neighbor down. It's not…you know, building yourself up on your own merit, it's tear the other guy down.” There is no ambivalence or relativity at this point for MH. His world is split into only those who are building up and those who are tearing down. Deep in his persecutory position, MH gives about as clear an explanation, in our opinion, of the logic of violent, destructive envy as can be found in such cases:
Genocidal obliteration is seen on those so envious they become violent
. When I do this, that levels the playing field in my favor, so now we've got a lopsided playing field because when I come back at you, I'm gonna destroy your side of the playing field
Addicted to revenge, they make patently unreasonable decisions
Various townspeople interviewed in the documentary note how MH had been given numerous financially appealing options, including an offer of six times what he paid for his land. The object of MH's envy was his perception of the success of several businessmen whose family had lived in the town for generations. Offers to provide MH with a financially advantageous resolution held no sway since he was fully in the grip of an obliterative mindset. Or, as the town news editor stated, “He had a way out. He had a way out to make some good money and, and go on about his life, but he chose that path for whatever reason.” Instead, he narrowed his focus and proceeded according to the dictates of violent envy and revenge.
Peacefulness after extreme painful turbulence is a tell-tale sign of premeditated homicidal action in the envious
Tied to these signs of PST is MH's statement that “a peace came over me…,” perhaps describing an almost spiritual feeling of relief after having finally resigned himself to die. Such descriptions of emotional reprieve have been associated with anticipatory and relief-oriented permissive beliefs in suicidal crises (Del-Monte & Graziani, 2020). Perpetrators of mass murder and other forms of targeted homicide-suicide have similarly described a state of peacefulness and relief that arises once they have come to terms with their own death as not only inevitable and acceptable, but planned, either by their own hand or as a “suicide-bycop.”
“I wasn’t supposed to caught”; an exceptionalism is seen on the violently envious
ambivalence. MH proceeds to strengthen and amplify his violent intent via a combination of PST and teleological thinking: “I wasn't supposed to get caught! God built me to be here to prove to you that what you have been doing for God knows how many years is wrong.”
Resolving the crisis would be an intolerable sign of weakness and inferiority (Gilligan & Richards, 2021).
This statement suggests his intensifying envy, often apparent in pathologically narcissistic states and traits (Kernberg, 1992). What MH deserves is beyond question, and now God expects him to harm the objects of his envy. The conviction of transcendent moral and spiritual righteousness is a common justification for violent lashing out by those in the persecutory position. Resolving the crisis nonviolently would require more psychological degrees of freedom and capacity for gratitude and empathy than MH possessed. To him it would be an intolerable sign of weakness and inferiority (Gilligan & Richards, 2021).
When people are happy an aggressive raging need to ruin it is seen on the envious
As poetically described by Gilligan and Richards (2021), the most direct, immediate and literal way to wipe tormentors' mocking smiles from their faces is to make them weep through violence.
Fixation is a huge sign of extreme envy and ability to commit envy-based violence
MH's PST would be associated with the TRAP-18 (Meloy, 2017) distal characteristic of Changes in Thinking and Emotion. These changes are often complex, and appear to occur in three domains: interpersonal relations become more limited and isolation increases; there is evidence of fantasy that is both grandiose and violent (often leaked through social media); and emotions shift from just anger, to also contempt and disgust for the target. We also see continued TRAP-18 evidence of the proximal warning behavior of Fixation, in this case motivated by extreme overvalued beliefs (Meloy & Rahman, 2020). Fixation, a preoccupation with a person or a cause that is accompanied by deterioration in work and love, is often the first proximal warning behavior to appear in a case of targeted violence (Meloy et al., 2021).
Last resort behavior can be seen when they think they were never going to get caught, a desperate attempt to commit violent envious action to secure the envied’s punishment for making them feel envy
Last Resort proximal warning behavior is defined as a violent action and time imperative: the person must act, and he must act now. Such warning behavior is often precipitated by a triggering event—often a loss in love or work--or one that is anticipated, and is sometimes accompanied by feelings of desperation or distress (Meloy, 2017).
Envy that powerful pushes them into the obliterative mindset, where violence occurs
Such intense devaluation of the desired object suggests envy powerful enough to push him into the obliterative mindset.
ER repeatedly used the word “envy” to describe his misery.
ER repeatedly used the word “envy” to describe his misery. He understood the difference between envy and jealousy, which he also experienced at an early age when there would be a third boy on playdates with his best friend (E.R. Manifesto, 2014).
He shows that the desire to torture is motivated by envy, showing that envy is indeed a product of envy and with it its links to narcissism
ER went to a Starbucks coffee shop there, where he became “livid with envious hatred” upon seeing a couple kissing. He proceeded to throw his coffee on them. What he actually fantasized doing was to “kill them slowly… strip the skins off their flesh.” The sight of a couple enjoying themselves brought out sadistic urges to destroy them, but not before torturing them by removing the very organ they would use to enjoy each other—their skin.
Entitlement is also linked to the torture as envy milieu saying “if I cannot have it, I will destroy it”. That is extreme entitlement
Just as MH described the true nature of destructive envy so well, so does ER, with jarring precision: “If I cannot have it, I will destroy it.
A hatred for someone from a younger generation enjoying things they didn’t can be seen in the envious
That was the day that I decided I would have to kill him on the Day of Retribution. I will not allow the boy to surpass me at everything, to live the life I've always wanted. It's not fair that he has the chance to have a pleasurable life while I've been denied it. It will be a hard thing to do, because I had really bonded with my little brother in the last year, and he respected and looked up to me. But I would have to do it. If I can't live a pleasurable life, then neither will he!
Fixation and pathological preoccupation followed by deterioration is seen on those who are capable of and/or commit envious violent action
The ER case is rife with examples of the proximal warning behavior of Fixation on the TRAP-18: “an increasingly pathological preoccupation with a person or a cause, accompanied by a deterioration in social and occupational life” (Meloy, 2017)
Envy based torture premeditation and enaction is seen on those envious who fit the description for TRAP-18
When ER saw the couple kissing at Starbucks he also wanted to kill them, “slowly.” What he actually did was throw coffee on them (and, incidentally, at great risk of physical retaliation). Such a behavior is an example of the proximal warning behavior on the TRAP-18 of Novel Aggression: “an act of violence that appears unrelated to any targeted violence pathway and is committed for the first time” (Meloy et al., 2012), and is done to test one's violent capability.
Acute narcissistic injury can trigger a suicidal crisis
An acute narcissistic injury in the patient's life could trigger a suicidal crisis in the absence of a depressed state. Ronningstam (2005) discussed the various meanings of suicidality in narcissistic patients, among them, an illusion of control and mastery (as well as preserving the perfect self), a shield against anticipated narcissistic injuries (death before dishonor), and an act of revenge: an individual may commit suicide to spite someone else.
Even envious hatred for therapists can be found, with therapists witnessing boredom with the sessions and withdrawing from direct engagement. This suggests extreme dispositional envy.
. He may pronounce boredom with the sessions or withdraw from direct engagement; his envious hatred may be hidden underneath an attitude of indifference. Alternatively, he may attempt to compete with the therapist, claiming superior knowledge or understanding (Abraham, 1927)
Envious individuals suffer from an encapsulated murderous aspect of their personalities
…most envious individuals suffer from an encapsulated murderous aspect of their personalities. If this concealed enclave is suddenly detonated by external circumstances, homicidal or suicidal violence can erupt.
Envious people see the world as zero-sum and try to reinforce back to zero-sum when people prove it is not inherently zero-sum. They will aggressively try to renormalize it back to where their envy seems less pathological and distorted.
In the zero-sum game of envy, there is a myth that if someone has something good, the other person is diminished. A major goal of therapy is to help patients see that self-esteem is not dependent on what someone else has and that their accomplishments are not connected to those of others. The therapist works to interpret to the patient that his zero-sum view undermines the chance in his life that he and others can simultaneously feel successful and gratified (pp. 128–129).
Envy influences the subject’s violent motives
s. Understanding the powerful psychodynamics of severe envy, the obliterative mindset and pseudo-spiritual transformation, contribute to the knowledge base for threat assessment practice. Threat assessment clinicians on these teams may identify the signs of envy, often subtle or revealed indirectly, and its influence on a subject's violent motives.
Desire for revenge becomes so powerful they commit revenge-based homicide or attempt it, and may even sacrifice their own lives and careers just because of the burning narcissistic envy
When the desire for revenge is powerful enough, such individuals may conclude an act of lethal violence is wholly necessary and the only logical remedy, even if it means sacrificing their own lives.
This act of extreme violence risks the lives of both self and other while providing a relatively brief period of shelter from intense narcissistic injury.
Obliterative envy describes the process by which envy, and its related mental and emotional states, are negated through an act of extreme violence. This act of extreme violence risks the lives of both self and other while providing a relatively brief period of shelter from intense narcissistic injury. Pseudo-spiritual transformation is the perpetrator's belief that violent revenge, in response to a personal grievance, is being guided and sanctified by some transcendent power, usually of personal religious significance.

I am currently recovering from my first bout of diverticulitis. I was prepared for the modified diet as I had gastric sleeve 10 years ago and had a more drastic change in diet than this and for longer. I was wholly unprepared for how bone tired I feel. I feel like I have slept/rested for the entirety of the days following the attack.
My bout is considered "acute". Is this normal? How long does it last? Any coping mechanisms?

I (26F) have been feeling apathetic toward my boyfriend (26M) of 4 years now.
To start, we met on tinder and had so much in common. We lived at our parents houses and did not have a place to be intimate for 1 1/2 years before I got the chance to move out finally. We still were intimate, but it was difficult and I mostly would set things up for us to be comfortable. Going as far as getting a cabin stay for us. My main reason to move out from my parent's house was just so I could have a place I could finally be intimate with him. He never had that motivation.
We met our senior year of college, graduated together. He took a gap year to work and apply to schools. He got into a school one state away and we went "long distance" for 2 years. While he was away for school it was extremely hard for me emotionally to cope. Here I was, asking repeatedly when we could see each other with respect to his school schedule and he just wouldn't really gaf. Come his third year and he has a mental breakdown and takes a years medical leave from school. I was just chugging along, struggling through the distance, and now he's back home for a year, but that just means another year our life is delayed. I was always very careful of not talking about the future with him (not wanting to pressure him about kids/marriage). During his mental break he turns to me and asks that all we talk about is our future together and that I'd be there for him and how many kids I'd want to have with him. I entertained the conversation. In truth, I have stuck by him this entire time, even when he'd ignore me entirely because of "school"
During our relationship, I took hormonal birth control. I even got an IUD because I was not looking to get pregnant due to not having finances to support a child. The hormones and IUD messed me up very bad. To the point where i just got my second IUD I was trialling removed because I would not stop bleeding with it. Our ratio of getting off during sex is 80/20, and I have to initiate a lot of the time, he always cums. I do not. I wish we'd have sex more often, especially with how little we see each other and how busy I am with work and school. We have sex maybe twice a month? Not worth it for me to put my hormonal health through hell for him not to even initiate.
During our relationship we have not fought much. The one issue I always brought up was him not introducing me to his family or friend and keeping me a "secret" (I felt) for a solid 2 years. Every time I'd bring it up he'd put some effort in, but then he'd revert back to keeping me in the dark. Last summer his classmate which he does not know all that was had a wedding in his school's state so we drove 6 hours with my car to attend this bland reception where I wasn't even introduced to the bride and groom and left after 20 minutes. I took time off work for that bs. Then this spring his family member which he actually knows gets married in the same city, he never mentions inviting me. His brother and sister in law are in all the videos dancing. His friend took his girlfriend, but me? Nothing.
Now he's off traveling in a different country for the last month. I've been in and out of the ER bleeding my uterus out essentially for a month straight, going through a hellish finals week. Having my job jumping down my throat on numbers. I see him post on instagram videos of dancing women at a bar he's at. Mind you, he has never once posted me. I have just gone silent. i deleted instagram. I am on so much hormonal and blood clotting drugs I just have no emotional capacity to deal. All I feel is anger. And stupidity for putting up with this bullshit.
He texts me he's coming back but I'm actively ignoring his texts. I. Am. Over. It.

You can see my first post here: https://www.reddit.com/Cityofheroes/comments/1cqpvrk/earthbending_for_noobs_the_earthearth_dominato
For my second build, I am going to try and explain this somewhat unique build and play style. The reason I call it the anti-tank is because it doesn't tend to jive with a typical taunt tank that leads from the front. This plays like a ranged, stealthy scout that sets up groups for everyone else to mop up. It can do well 1v1, but it's damage overall is minimal. It plays like a ranged blaster with crowd control. Most control sets have an AoE stun, AoE immob, and a single target immob. Mind doesn't. Most control sets have a pet. Mind doesn't.
I do not play this as a damage dominator. I run ahead of groups and do soft controls and damage mitigation. When I run along with the group, I do a bit of rodeo herding. This set leans heavily on a handful of powers and finesse usage. It starts out very slow with a lot of single target blasts. My end goal is to have decent resistance to Smashing, Lethal, and Psi damage, and almost capped Defense to Ranged, Energy, Negative Energy, and Psionic Damage. You will have a little over 100% recharge before hasten end game, and you will learn you will need to constantly be on the move. This set plays well when your lead is a brute, your tank is primarily damage dealing and doesn't have taunt, or you just don't have either.
Mind Control

• Mesmerize - I slot this with 5 decimation. It's a good blast and a good sleep also. You can also slot this 1 ACC, 3 DAM, 1 END RED
• Levitate - Same as above. It's very soft mitigation that doesn't always knock-up. I see it as just another blast.
• Dominate - I hate this power sometimes. Damage is worse than the previous two. 4 basilisk's gaze or 1 ACC, 2 RECH, 1 END RED. This is usually last on the blast chain unless I am fighting an AV.
• Confuse - I skipped this power, but it's great. It has great recharge, accuracy, and duration already. I can see doing 1 acc/confuse set piece. 1 ACC. With enough recharge and accuracy, you can confuse AVs or EBs. If you solo a lot, maybe take it.
• Mass Hypnosis - This is a staple power. Eventually I placed the entire purple sleep set in it. You can also do 5 slots of the rare sleep set for 6.25% recharge and then a single lvl 50 Recharge IO. 1 ACC, 3 RECH, 2 END RED. I would NOT put a damage proc in this set. Enemies don't notice it.
• Telekinesis - Great power, but requires a lot of finesse. It herds better than Hurricane. I put 1 ACC and 2-3 RECH. What it does is when you click a bad guy, it first bunches them up with others in the area, then pushes them a set distance away. If you go forward, they go forward, if you walk back, they move back with you. This power holds sets, but I would skip that. You can add extra bad guys into your herd, push and pull them where you want granted they don't kill you, shove dudes into a wall, lock down a doorway or choke point (any mission in Terra Volta, or certain points in the ITF). The key is mitigating damage first and then bunching them up. You can also just bunch them up and unclick. The toggle doesn't last forever, but it holds them in place and sometimes levitates them. It can draw you more aggro than you can handle. You can take already immob'd bad guys and bunch them up nice and pretty. 1 ACC, 2 RECHARGE
• Total Domination - I hate this power, but its necessary. It has garbage base recharge, crap for accuracy, and only a mag 3 hold. It's only good when you are really slotted up. I slot it 4 basilisk's gaze and 2 from the ATO Dominating Grasp Set. The Idea is to maximize Accuracy and Recharge. This power goes well AFTER you have already tagged a group with fear or sleep. This power does very well when you are in domination mode. MAKE SURE AND PUT YOUR DOMINATION CLICKY IN YOUR TRAY AND ON AUTO. Place it right beside hasten. This power set combo has quite a few clikies and Your domination button and your hasten button are two of about four. 2 ACC, 3 RECH, 1 END RED
• Terrify - Great Power. I would put a fear OR ranged AoE set in this (or a purple Ranged AoE) and then a single RECH IO. You can ALSO put your 1 good ATO set in this (not dominating grasp, but the other one). The ATO set or the purple Ranged AoE set give 10% recharge. The Fear set only gives 6.25% recharge. This is a great soft lock. The bad guys will fire back before they get scared so don't open with this until you get capped ranged defense. This on top of a sleep kinda defeats the purpose of sleep. This is ALL the AoE damage you get until epics. 1 ACC, 3 DAM, 2 RECH.
• Mass Confusion - I slot the purple Confuse Set. You can also use 5 confuse set and 1 RECH IO. Do NOT put damage procs in this power. I don't care about the extra 3% ranged def. Don't do it. 1 ACC, 3 RECH, 2 END RED.

End game, you will have quite a bit of recharge. Aim for using the full (and the only good) ATO set and all of the purples you can. If you can only afford 1 purple set: The Confuse One. The Sleep one is good also, but before you get that, get that other ATO set.
For Power Pools I use stealth plus one more power from that pool, hasten and super speed, combat jumping, and boxing tough/weave. For Epics I use Psionic. Mainly for Link Minds, Indomitable Will, and Mind over Body. Link Minds gets a LotG plus 5 defense set for that extra 5% recharge, Indomitable Will gets a single LotG, and Mind over Matter gets 4 Resist IO set for 3% melee plus 7.5% HP.
Tough gets 2 3% def uniques, weave gets a LotG plus another 5 for that 5% recharge (same as link minds). Hasten gets 2 RECH. CJ gets a stealth IO and a LotG. Stealth and Grant Stealth get LotG as well. Stamina gets 2 END MOD and Health gets Numina's and Miracle Uniques.
Psionic Assault

• Psionic Dart - I slot this with 3 thunderstrike for the ranged def. This is one of your beginner blasts. 1 ACC, 2 DAM
• Mind Probe - I skip this, but this is a great power. It's your heavy damage melee. I can see taking it.
• Telekinetic Thrust - I skip this. It's like power push. Not very good.
• Mental Blast - Treat this just like Psionic Dart. Same slotting as Psionic Dart.
• Psychic Scream - It's ranged and it's a cone, but I skip it. I can see taking it. I think it would be OK instead of Psionic Dart. I just don't have the slots to devote more than 3 to it. I placed a lot of emphasis on resistance and defense since I was weak AF early on and dying a lot.
• Drain Psyche - This will just about cap your recovery and give you great regeneration the more it hits. You run in, cast it while the bad guys are subdued, then run out. Even if it hits one bad guy, it does well. You have to frankenslot it to maxmize ACC, HEAL, RECH, and MAYBE A LITTLE END MOD. I do 2 from accurate heal, 2 from an end mod set, and 2 from a heal set. You want good ACC and max RECH, plus whatever healing and end mod you can snag. The power has good base recovery slotting, but a long recharge and base accuracy. 1 ACC, 2 HEAL, 3 RECH.
• Subdue - I treat this like a blast, because it has good range and good damage. Also, it's a single target immob. 5 Decimation is how I slot it. Also, put the build up proc in one of your ranged blasts. 1 ACC, 3 DAM, 1 RECH
• Psionic Lance - I 5 slot this with a sniper set. This is your best ranged blast. 1 ACC, 3 DAM, 1 RECH
• Psychic Shockwave - I skip this. It's a PBAoE disorient that does lousy damage. Since I am ranged only (except Drain Psyche) Dom, this and the 2 melee attacks are a skip.

The end goal is to have great recharge (100% give or take) and almost capped ranged, energy, negative energy, and Psionic Defense (35-45%). Your resists will be about 50% to S/L/Psi.
As for incarnates, you can choose anything for each, but this may be the only instance I am particular about your alpha slot: Vigor Radial Paragon. It buffs everything you need. Everything else you can pick and choose whatever.
Your play style should be ahead of the pack, being stealth, and prepping groups for attack. The stealth IO plus Stealth power should allow you to do most things and get away. Mass Confuses and Sleeps won't be noticed. Total Dom, and Terrify will, but they can be cast before or after each other especially when you are in domination mode when your MAG DOUBLES.

I graduated from high school last year and took a gap year to travel around Europe. Before I graduated I went and toured a bunch of schools during my senior year and only further confirmed the fact that I really want to be in a city. Traveling and getting to spend over 6 months outside of my town mostly staying in cities was the happiest I’ve ever been. (I know that a lot of that was not having school or a real job but it was also the feeling of having so much around me. Even when I was in smaller towns though I was so connected through public transit and cheap travel options that I never felt trapped like I do in such a car dependent country… and I have a car)
Although new York or Chicago would’ve been my ideal situations, I went ahead and applied to schools in Boston, Philadelphia, Ann Arbor, and a couple other smaller cities. Long story short, I got rejected from most of them and those I did get into were way too much money for me to even consider. The only school that I could seriously considered was Fordham since it was the only school in a big city I was accepted into. Ultimately they rejected my financial aid appeal and it was quite literally not possible for me to afford it.
This brings me to my last and only feasible option aside from taking another gap year. UNC Chapel hill. I know that I shouldn’t be complaining about attending such an incredible school but I really want to leave North Carolina and be in an actual city. They are also severely lacking in museum and art history internships which is what I am looking for. I know that I will be fairly swamped by my classes and am hoping to join clubs/meet some cool people, but it’s hard to not feel really defeated and overwhelmed after working so hard to end up at a school I almost didn’t apply to because I didn’t want to go so badly.
Does anyone have any tips to make living in a college town easier and how to eventually transition to a big city on a fairly low salary…

I (20 male) broke it off with a women (26 female )from work that I dated 3 weeks. If you want the full story, here it is:
https://www.enotalone.com/topic/459727-should-i-stop-dating-a-person-with-trauma_/#comment-5862922
Long story short, she has trauma caused by previous boyfriends that cheated on her, and when that traume gets triggered she snaps at me for no reason and makes me feel incredibly bad. For example if I say something about another women or coworker. I cut her off and just told her we shouldnt really date anymore.
What I did not realize, I already fell for her. Since that talk I have been crying a lot and just feel incredibly bad, it almost feels like a break up, which sounds stupid considering the duration we dated.
She now is telling people at my work that I stopped dating her to get with another coworker, which is just a lie. I have nooooo interest in that person she refers to. And it hurts, because I have feelings for her and they are getting mixed up by her behaviour. I not only feel sad, but now also angry.
When we had that talk, I was a little bit overwhelmed and could not say what I wanted to say, which is why I texted her and asked for another meeting to tell her whats on my mind. I told her that we could meet up last Sunday, she said she would text me that day and tell me if she has time. On this Sunday, she said she cant really meet up, but we could meet the next week.
On exactly that Sunday she came by when I was working (I work as a barkeeper at a bar), met up with another coworker of us and made out in front of me. She knew I was working! I am 20 years old, do not have that much dating experience but trust me when I say, I think no one in my life has ever tried to stick it to my face and hurt me like that. I feel so betrayed and disrespected. I was so good to her, invited her to restaurants, picked her up with my car and took her with me to city trips, gave small little gifts because I knew she wasnt doing so well, visited her at work, helped her with her problems etc..
And she always said that she couldnt believe how attentive I am. I remembered everything she said she would like to plan small surprises for her, because I wanted her to feel good. Thats just who I am, if I like someone I want them to have a good time and I like to provide.
And now she does that, I am filled with anger and disgust like I have never been. How they kissed and looked at each other, with her only purpose being to hurt me. It not that she has someone else now, it is that she is doing it intentionally in front of me to make me feel bad. Why on earth are people like that?
I want to be a good man, I dont want to become an a..hole, but I feel like next time I get to know another person, I will have a hard time to trust and believe what I am getting told. I already went through a break up 8 months ago, and this feels so much more disgusting, I dont know why : (

so as of the last couple of months there's been an impending doom on my immediate family bc my grandmother (who pays the rent) says her money will run out soon. her and my mom decided to move into a 2k a month so my little sister can walk to school and we could walk to grocery stores etc bc we have no car anymore (i'll get on the reason why later) my mom got laid off like a year ago and didn't want to work in healthcare anymore and is currently working at a retail store making less than me..so i'm confused why her a my grandma came to this decision. but a little background on my mom, 1.she can't have any apartment in her own name bc her credit is fucked so my grandmother has always had to put it in hers 2.she CANNOT budget for shit, she says this herself. she got 6k on her tax return and spent it on patio chairs and fuck knows what while knowing the situation. she constantly says she's broke while also constantly having amazon packages and random new shit around the house but bitches about how she needs money for the light bill (me and my sister give her $150 a month) she also never buys food.
i have an older sister who i could move out with but here's the thing with her, she extremely unstable it's scary. she's the reason we don't have any cars (she totaled her AND my moms car bc of her "emotions") would constantly get into fights with her narcissistic girlfriend while i lived with her and would scream at me for minor things. i don't want to live with her bc of that and the fact that her judgement of character is SHIT as she's brought so many shady or weird people around me that end up screwing her over (shockingly) and she always trying to get us to suddenly move out with some random guy she knows just to change her mind like 3 weeks later bc she doesn't have enough money or something the guy does. i can't count how many times she saved x amount of money and said she'd get a new car just for her to blow the money. i love my sister but the choices that she's made in recent years and the way she's treated me has made me want to distance myself from her.
and then there's me, making 1200 a month , having to pay $400 a month in ubers, $200 a month on on rent and food, and saving the rest for my future dental procedures, education and car which will obviously be thousands. i'm keeping positive and trying to keep my head up but it's hard. i don't have friends or close family i could move with but i feel like at some point i'll have to cut off my family. i know it could be much worse but i hate feeling like i'm the only one trying to get out of this situation. if i talk to my mom abt her money and living situation she gets into a child like manner and essentialy says she doesn't know and that everything just works out for her. if i talk to my sister it seems like she just sets false promises or goals i know she won't achieve. i can't stand being around the helpless way of thinking. ik getting a second job would help my situation but im really just concerned on the outlook. how long am i gonna have to put off going to school to help with my family? how long am i not going to be able to go anywhere bc i always have to uber? i'm only 19 but i feel like right now i need to make a decision that will either make or break me

This might come across as weird, but I'm looking for tracks (from any artist) that gives off an opposing vibe or lyrical content to Cosmic Hero. I'm kinda looking for some balance, as I've been really stuck on this track recently and it's not really been helping me mentally.
I'm currently going through a tough time with my girlfriend. We're on a break at the moment. I instigated it as i found that her stresses in life were getting too much, that her depression and suicidal thoughts were starting to trigger my old depression (i haven't been depressed for years but i used to have it really bad). She also encroached on a boundary very recently.
There's a bunch of lyrics in this track that are resonating a lot with me.

• you really wanna make it last // You could commit yourself completely
  
• You can disengage completely // Because it wasn't healthy anyways // And you've got a job and a family
  
• And if you really wanted to be kind You'd have forgiven them a long ass time ago
  
• And if you really wanna know how kind you are // Just ask yourself why you're lying in bed alone
  
• And of course I’m alright with death // But why you talk about it so goddamn much?
  
• If you really wanna know yourself // It will come at the price of knowing no one else
  
• And if you really wanna make the change //Then you would cut yourself off completely
  
• But if you just want it to be ok // It will never be ok
  
• Now you gotta change addresses again (we live very very close to each other).
  

Does anybody have any ideas on any tracks that maybe have a less angsty and depressing and morbid take on the situation? I get that there is much more nuance than that within the track, and that my interpretation is probably not one intended by the band.
I understand this is a strange request, but I'm wondering what people have in mind. I'm weighing up staying or leaving. Tracks that are rich but perhaps takes a view that is more positive when it comes to human experience.
Or maybe if somebody can offer some alternate perspectives on Cosmic Hero itself, and add some new viewpoints to me. Because to me it spells out that we should break up. We have been together for 3.5 years. We love each other a LOT and we get along really well. But her struggles have been filtering far too much into my life, and I'm scared about that continuing. Yet at the same time I feel guilty about leaving her when shes in distress.

Hi- need serious advice. I know this is a novel, I’m so sorry but I would appreciate anyone who reads it. I’m a 20 yr old F and I live with my brother, 19 M, and my two parents. My parents are abusive. There is no way to get around it. Physically when I was young and mentally now. I can’t describe what they put me through now- it’s awful. I promised myself all throughout high school I would leave the moment I turned 18 but something kind of switched and they became more tolerable, almost nicer, so like a fucking idiot I stayed. I started my bachelors, started working and tried to convince myself it was alright. The other reason I stayed was for my brother. I’ve taken care of him my whole life. I didn’t have any other choice, and I didn’t think I wanted one. It was my duty to take care of him and I did my job as best as I could only being 11 months older. I have gotten in the middle of fights, taken beatings, punishments, paid for him, drove him, etc. Time and money I didn’t have to spare spent on him with no repayment, and I’m talking about he wanted a new $60 game so I asked him to help me while I cleaned my room (vacuuming, taking down dirty clothes, wiping down my fan). This has been going on for years. I was the one to complete his college essay, to call his advisors to get his transcripts, to do his homework, otherwise my ass was on the line with my parents. I have done everything I could for him. Plus, he didn’t even get into college because I told him he had to complete his 200 word prompt for his college application, leading him not to get accepted because he didn’t fucking do it. He’s in his first year while I’m almost in my fourth. I have had jobs for the last 3 years in my field while he has done nothing. I begged my parents for a car and drivers license for 2 1/2 years while he, at 19, only got his 4 months ago. He does the bare minimum. Less than that, actually. The night before fall semester started he got into a fight with my father, physically, left the house, and made me go looking for him and try to convince him to go back home until 5am. To say my semester was fucked after that is an understatement. It’s constant but I stay because I’m his sister. It’s my job. It’s also a cultural thing I guess. I know I’m venting but I’m getting to the point I promise. A month ago I asked him to help me clean my room so that I could study since he has a habit of fucking his room up, coming and staying in my room, taking up my bed, and asking me to buy him food. I had just returned from the library, brought him Taco Bell, and wanted to clean a bit before continuing to study for my final the next day. To be clear, if I didn’t pass this class I wouldn’t be on track to graduate or get into my optometry program. He said he didn’t want to help and bitched and moaned but when I pointed out that I had gone out of my way to get Taco Bell for him he agreed to aid. I asked him to just bring up some cleaning stuff and take down my clothes so I could have them clean for work and he left. After an hour or so of waiting for him (yes I was procrastinating and purposely didn’t ask why he was taking so long) I heard him come upstairs with a plate full of sandwiches and go into his room. I was pissed. I started to text him, angrily and cursing I’ll admit, about him not doing shit and being so annoying. I called him a bum for never following on his promises or doing absolutely fucking anything. He started texting in all caps not to call him that otherwise he swore to god I would regret it, and I, being the person that I am (a fucking idiot) called him it again. He rushed out of his room, kicked open my door and threw his phone at me as hard as he could and left me with a bruise. He started standing over me, threatening me, saying shit like he was going to throw me done the stairs, snap my neck, etc. I’ve seen him get that way before- he smashes shit to pieces, breaks anything in his sight, and generally destroys things. For some context he’s a big guy, almost 300lb and used to be able to deadlift 500+lb. I got scared, saw a knife on my counter from dishes I had yet to clean, and pulled it on him. He slowly backed off and went to his room, before I, again, a fucking idiot, called him a bum again. A stupid decision, I know, I would definitely be the bitch that got knifed in a movie and you’d cheer for her death. This time I closed the door before he could come in, he tried to break down the door while I was on the other side, and in response he smashed something made of glass on the other side and punched a hole in my door. I contacted my dad who was far away and he sent my mother home. My mother and I haven’t spoken to each other in a few months since she called me a burden for asking her to help me get my work clothes ready for the week. She came in, spoke to my brother I guess, then came in and spoke to me. She said it was unbelievable and she didn’t know what to say and when I explained what happened and then told me to study for my test. She also went back to talk to him and came back to talk with me, asking me if I pulled a knife on him, which I admitted to, only because I was seriously afraid of him pushing me down the stairs or knocking me out. After that I locked the door and when texting my parents about the situation they only told me not to worry about it, just study. I couldn’t, and I swear to god I tried, all night. I was scared and I think in shock. I got to the lecture hall early and tried to study there but that didn’t help either. I had done alright in the class, done very well in the lab, but knew I bombed the final. I went home and didn’t speak to anyone at home for days. After about 3 days I went downstairs and saw my dad who tried to act like it wasn’t a big deal. I explained how insane and irrational the entire situation was and how I wanted to move out. I couldn’t handle dealing with all of their shit, and if I was the problem like they said I was then I would be fixing that too. I have a very important board exam this summer that I also have to take to get into optometry school and I proposed that I would live on campus, only for the summer. He refused, angrily saying that it wasn’t me place to move out, that he would never support me, and that if that’s what I wanted to do I could get the fuck out right now. A few things- I pay partially for my school. I don’t make much but I put a lot of what I do have toward school and the rest towards little things for me and my brother. Secondly, almost every single thing within my bedroom I have paid for. Excluding the mattress, furniture, and my phone, I have paid for everything I need or want through hard work. Thirdly, both my parents are currently unemployed but wealthy. Wealthy enough that they can go on vacations, pay for four cars, go out with their friends, and pay for their son’s tuition with no hassle. It’s only mine that poses a problem, which is the reason they let me work. They attempt to dictate how I should spend my money constantly. The argument went on for an hour, him accusing me of failing because I chose to, him proposing that he get a lock for my door, telling me I could move into the basement, etc. When my father refused to budge I went upstairs, used a loc that I had bought for when your staying at a hotel to barricade the door and have not spoken to him since. It has been a month now and I have not spoke to anyone in person, though my mother has been trying to guilt me into making me give up my refrigerator in my room by telling me my grandfather is in hospice, there will be a funeral soon, and me having that fridge is making me too fat to be presentable, as well as trying to be nice and hugging me when I have to leave for work in the morning. Now, with all of that context, here’s what’s going on. Since the entire incident happened I have been trying to figure out a way to leave. I have looked into campus housing but it’s an additional $7000 per semester that I don’t think I can afford even if I take out student loans and do FAFSA. I’m scared of the position. It’ll put me in when it comes to going to school. I do have another choice though. I recently toured an apartment complex that is beautiful it’s my dream place and the rent is less than $1500 a month. The only problem is that I only currently make being part time 12 to 1300 a month I just got a raise to $18 an hour but even then that’s not gonna be enough to cover it if I’m going to school at the same time, I’ve looked into some options and FAFSA and loans wouldn’t be able to cover any of my housing outside of living on campus. The only problem with living on campus is I can’t make the morning drive less than an hour and a half to work and I’m afraid with how it all affect my schedule and will to study. I was honestly giving up the idea of moving out at all because it seems so impractical and there was no way that I could actually leave and take my stuff with me without a fight. However, I recently learned that my parents tomorrow are leaving on a five day vacation to Vegas with Little to no thought of how that affects me and the position that I’m in with my brother, if I can figure out a way to somehow be able to afford the rent for this place afford a car to get to work because we have really bad public transportation in my area then I think I would just drop out of school and go. I love optometry more than anything and that’s why I was willing to deal with all of this but maybe school just isn’t in the cards for me. I don’t want to give it up but I don’t think that I’ll make it out of here alive, in all honesty. I can’t keep up with everything it’s ruining my life and I’m only 20 years old. But it’s so scary that I don’t know if I can even take the steps to moving out. I just paid tuition for the spring summer semester and have only $500 to my name. I would need to take out a loan to be able to put down the down payment for the car and the apartment and what if I don’t get approved? What if my work doesn’t give me full-time? what am I gonna do then? I don’t have anybody in my life that could help me. I also have a big family that would all be on their side and agree with them and what if I leave and they come back and cause a scene that causes me to lose my job? They would 100% do that. I know for some people it’s a no brainer but put yourself in my shoes. I have no money, family, friends, or support. At least here I have car and my room and sometimes they’re tolerable. I would only have to do it for 1-2(?) more years. On the other hand, this place is destroying me. I hate who I am becoming because of it. Would it be worth giving up my future for getting my dreams or moving out? If you read all of this you’re amazing, thank you so much. I can only stare at a pros and cons list for so long 🙃

Hey everyone!
Just wondering how you decide on the balloon size? Currently I am ordering 30ml foley 16f caths, but i only fill them up to about 15ml. But i don't understand why there are different size balloons on them? Should i try and stay small 5ml? Or just do what ever i want? I don't see what the difference of putting a 30ml in there.
I also had a bit of an accident about a week ago i used Xylocaine a lidocane pain reliever when i insert my caths it just makes the first little while pain free and don't feel anything while I'm getting used to it in there. It only lasts about an hour so its pretty good. But last night i struggled to get the catheter into my bladder the measurement said it was in there length wise so i filled the balloon with about 3ml and it felt different and painful but i injected about 10ml and the pain got a little worse, a little urine did come out so i thought i was fine but i tried to relax and after a while the pain was too much it was like bladder spasms, i tried pushing and pulling the catheter but with no luck, so after about 3 hrs or so i did a quick removal and put it back in, and went in perfect the second time. So my guess is that it did not enter my bladder and i injected the balloon while it was in my urethra and that's pretty much what it felt like i did. And when i pulled on the cath i could see it was about 20mm shorter than it should have been. But now it makes me think if i can do it again it would be interesting to see if i could get the balloon to expand my prostrate area, so it would cause me to loose more control when the catheter is out? But i dont think it works that way, id either upset my prostrate or cause something to break.
Its been a few days now and I've noticed i cant hold it very long now compared to what i used to be able to. It does hurt when i pee, but not like a UTI more like muscle pain trying to start or stop it. But I've put myself on some antibiotics and it seems to be getting alot better. Putting a catheter in now makes it feel alot better and is very relaxing for it.
Why is it so hard to buy 3way caths :( None of my suppliers sell them :(
Last question i promise, Like many people here have the same problem from what i have seen is that after wearing a catheter for about 24hrs i seem to get frustrated because its not painful its just not comfortable and you want relese from it and think its just easier to pull it out and get some releif. But i have noticed if i manage to go to bed at night i can wake up feeling better and happy to leave it in their longer. But most days i get to the night time part and just want to pull it out. Does masterbating causes this discomfort i wonder. I also wonder if it has anything to do with the urethral wall drying up that causes that discomfort. How do you re lubricate? Ony have to remove and relubricate and insert and see how it feels again? Or expose as much as the cather you can and lube up as much as you can and work its way down further? I notice it does dry up alot when you take a hot shower. Any tips for keeping it in longer, or is it mind over matter?
Thanks everyone
Stay safe everyone, not like dumb me.

I was hospitalized last night for Rhabdo after going into urgent care with flu symptoms. I honestly felt mostly fine, and just happened to mention my mild muscle soreness from an upper body workout. It was definitely more sore than normal, but I thought I was being dramatic.
I was told to go the the ER when my CK levels came back at 27,500. They made it seem like I should only be in the hospital for a few hours, but that was extended to one night and now two. Compared to some of the posts here, that does seem pretty mild. I tested again this morning (after about 15 hours of receiving iv fluids) and my levels had gone down to 14,000 and they said it was likely I’d be released tonight or tomorrow morning. Unfortunately, my levels jumped back up to 17,000 six hours later and only went down 1,000 at my next testing.
How long does it usually take for CK levels to go down? I feel like they keep telling me I’ll be released soon, and I don’t want to have any more wishful thinking. For reference, they said once my levels reach 5,000 they will begin to release me, but only after checking my levels hours after that to make sure they didn’t climb back up.
Also, how long should I wait before exercising again? The doctor made it seem like I should take a week off and then I can ease back in, but some people here seem to be taking weeks/months off.

I'll start with today's event where I went to collect food @Claire's (we both still live@our parents house and we're in our early 20s). She wanted a hug and so she called me to meet her on the bed to hug her but I did not want to so I refused and she said okay. She told me where to get the food and I left her room. When I was leaving the house she got ahead of me (I didn't see her) and I met her at foot of the staircase and she asked what was wrong , I said nothing. She said okay and I left. When I messaged that I got home she said "Okay👍 I need a moment please I am tired. Can I message later if not then tomorrow or whenever". This would be okay in isolation because sometimes you need your space ..but this was not in isolation. These were words from a fight the day before.
On the day before Claire said that she would be afk because she had family over. I wanted to get away from my own house that day so I decided I would go over to her house and have a nap, watch f1 and otherwise relax. I was very aware of the fact that I was going to her house again inspite of the fact that I don't think she comes to mine enough. This is a recurring issue that is usually upsetting to think about and this time was no different but I ignored it and went over anyway.
I had a good nap, and when I woke up it was time to watch f1. She asked me to deliver on something I told her earlier in the week which was that I wanted to do her nails. (I saw a cool nail design on insta and it looked very easy) She brought the stuff and set it up for me to do the nails. I didn't want to do this now but I decided to because she had just done something for me. Ofc this turns out to be harder and more time consuming than the video indicated. I decided I would watch f1 while doing her nails. It started out fine. She guided me on what to do, I executed. It got to a part where I wasn't getting the fake nails to stick on her fingers well so she took over and started doing it. While she does this I turn more of my attention to f1. What followed was basically she getting upset that I didn't do enough research to get her nails done well. She said If it was her she would do more research and be prepared just like she did before styling my hair. Added to that I didn't give her nails my full attention. She said that next time she styled my hair she knows what to do implying she won't give it her full attention. Added to that she wanted me to be interested in doing her nails. I responded by saying no it's nails Im not interested in doing nails. This doesn't mean I didn't try to get it to come out decent. I tried . Somewhere along the line she tried to tell me to practice on myself so next time I can execute well on her nails. I refused.
During this whole argument things are escalating and the only thing I believe I have done wrong is not do more research. I'm my view I gave it enough attention until she took over because she was upset. If f1 was not running in the background it would not have changed the outcome of the nails. This whole time I try kissing her and showering her with love which is what she requested to be done if she was angry. She said "smother her"if she's ever angry. She rejects my affection because she is angry. I remind her that this is what she asked for. She responds by saying give her a hundred dollars and she would be good. Then she quickly changes it to 300 I said I don't have $300. She said do a bank transfer. I take out my phone and before I begin I confirm that this will be fixed after I do the transfer. She says to transfer it and we'll see. I refuse to do the transfer without a guarantee. The fight goes on and eventually we get to a point where things have improved but they're not fixed. I reached for a hug as I am leaving and she shakes my hand and said this is a 'hand hug'. I say okay I leave I am mentally exhausted from all of this because what I feel like I just did is take a bunch of shit from someone who had no interest in solving anything they just wanted to be right.
I eventually get home, I message to say that I have arrived safely. I also say " I need a moment please I am tired. Can I message later if not then tomorrow?"
(Disclaimer I'm pretty sure things would be fine between us if I didn't send that message as long as we didn't speak the rest of the night because I wasn't in the mood. But if she did try to speak I would not be receptive to conversation so I was honest and upfront.)
I message her with a link and some info about the link 40 mins later. That's basically the end of the conversation until we fast forward to today where she's basically using back my words.
I feel like I she always has to be right. There is no reasoning with her when she's mad. Everything I say will be used against me in the future.
Recently she asked me to be honest about my feelings instead of saying nothing.
I used to talk about how I feel in my last relationship. In this one I did as I was accustomed to, I communicated in the beginning
It was met with irrationalism and spite so I started lying: I say whatever I think will lead to the least problems- How are you Daniel?:I'm good What's wrong Daniel?: nothing
We had a conversation about these lies last week. She asked me to be honest. Yet there I was yesterday taking all this shit just for not doing her nails well, I take all the looks of contempt, rejection and irrational request of giving her x amt$$ and she'll be good and I return love and smothering. I am tired and I am annoyed at the end of that whole fight but I manage to tell the truth; I manage to express that I need a minute because she asked me to be honest about these things just last week (I told her how the lies came about in the first place during this conversation).... what happens the following day? She needs a minute too.
I'd just like to hear your thoughts. Ik that definitely doesn't capture every detail but I didn't what to write a book. We have been together for almost 4yrs.

Hi everyone, the title of the post sounds like a title for a scholarly article or novel, but I really just couldn’t think of how else to put it.
For some context, I’m fairly new to this community. I underwent an emergency D&C this past Wednesday after having an incomplete MA which unfortunately, led to me hemorrhaging. It was terrifying and traumatic. I lost a lot of blood. Apparently I made it into the “rare complications” club where this happens to less than 1% of people who have an abortion, per the nurse who put me under sedation. This was not only my first abortion, but it was also my first pregnancy. I was 7 weeks, with a supportive and loving partner, making a decision as difficult as you all very well know.
Since the D&C, I thankfully am feeling much better and have been able to process everything more in terms of my emotions. It was hard to do that after the MA when I was still feeling all the pregnancy symptoms but unsure as to why. The day after the D&C I felt like myself again. The nausea, heart burn, food aversions - every single symptom I had was gone. Even my breasts weren’t as tender as they had unbearably been.
This experience, thankfully, made myself and my partner of 4 years even closer than we ever have been. I’m very grateful for that. He’s been incredible throughout this entire process and has held my hand every step of the way. So, yesterday, as I’m feeling relatively back to my normal self minus some fatigue - I look at my partner, feel those butterfly feelings, and my immediate thought was, How in the fuck can you be horny after what you just went through? What is wrong with you?
I immediately felt confusion, guilt, shame, and an uncontrollable desire to feel close to him. I started googling: “sex drive after abortion” “is it normal to be horny after an abortion?” “Why do I have such a high libido after an abortion?” I really didn’t find much in the topic beyond a few Reddit posts and some old forums. It made me feel even more guilty, that clearly MOST women don’t want to be touched at all after something like that, but I couldn’t control what was going on with my body.
For me, my libido was fairly average prior to all of this, but for some reason yesterday I could not control my sex drive. It was driving me crazy for hours. I didn’t want to tell my partner because I was ashamed and embarrassed to be feeling how I was. I also know he’s been processing everything too and I felt like if I made a move he would be upset by it because why wouldn’t he be? That’s the normal response. I’m the odd one here and I’m the one who went through the damn thing, right?
Easy fix! I’ll just have some sexy self-care time, right? As long as nothing goes in and I just keep it external, I should be all good right? Come to think of it, the nurses and doctors didn’t mention anything about it. What does goggle say? Nothing, really. Mostly just websites and forums saying no PIV for a week or two. Nothing about masturbation. Will I be okay? Will my uterus fall out? What if I start bleeding even heavier? Will it hurt? Will it slow down healing or speed it up? Why am I even thinking about any of this at all?
Just more guilt. More self-shaming. More anxiety, more fear, and at this point - I’m STILL horny. Screw it. I didn’t read anything saying don’t do it, so let’s just do this, but wait until my partner takes a shower so he doesn’t know. And that’s what I did. I waited until he was in the shower so I could do it in secret because I felt that much shame and that much guilt. I was worried, but my sex drive was so high I truly didn’t care in the moment. That is, up until the moment where I hit the big O and there was some cramping. It scared the shit out of me. But. It was mild, barely anything, and the big O was probably the biggest I’ve had in a long time.
Immediately after I felt relaxed, relieved. Then I went to the bathroom and after having mostly spotted since the D&C, my stomach dropped when I saw bright red on the toilet paper. Look at what you did. What’s wrong with you. You’re going to bleed out again because you were horny? It will be your fault, again.
I spent most of last night scared, worried, scrolling google for answers, and feeling horribly guilty. However, I woke up this morning alive and well, back to the super light barely noticeable spotting. Then about half way through the day, the butterfly feelings returned. IM HORNY AGAIN?! WHY?!?
Without going through all the details, I went through the whole entire cycle I did yesterday again today. Now, I’m here typing this extremely long post. If you’re still here reading, I really appreciate that. I doubt I’m alone in my experience and feelings as it’s far more rare to have a singular, independent thought or feeling that no one else on the planet has ever had. However, I don’t see this experience talked about much and I’m not sure the reasons, or maybe I just wasn’t looking in the right places to begin with. But, I want you to know if you have felt this or are feeling this way after your abortion - it’s okay.
I know my hormones are raging. I know I just went through something horribly traumatic and it’s normal to have anxiety after going through something like that, along with the complications. I also know that everyone’s libido after this experience will drastically vary from person to person. I’m trying to remind myself not to feel guilty after that and if what I went through isn’t a shameful thing, then why am I shaming myself for any feeling I have afterwards or if I want my body and mind to feel good again with a little sexy time self-care?
Anyways, that’s it. Stay strong out there. You got this. Feel what you feel and don’t be ashamed for it either way.

So I have plenty of issues with my marriage but for some reason this one really stands out. My husband (40) and I (41) have been together for 15 years and married for ten.
Ive never been the least bit bothered by porn, which he does partake in (as do i on a more seldom occassion), but in the last year or so ive noticed that he follows a lot of hot girls in instagram.
I just dont get it. i dont follow guys on instagram just bc theyre hot. it doesnt make me feel good. hes done a lot to make me not feel good...recently hes gotten on medication and suddenly in the past month has acted nicer and more appreciative than ive seen in years.
But i am worried ive checked out. i lost 30 pounds and have been throwing a lot of time and money at my appearance in the past couple years. amidst getting nitpicked and nagged at by him for all my percieved shortcomings and glaring flaws, ive just been appreciating me. after 14 years of zero crushes on other men ive had two in the past year. seriously all it takes is for a guy to be cute and pffer a fleeting percieved glance of admiration and to be nice and im so appreciative of it. i both enjoy feeling that again and resentful im that desperate.
and now my husband is finally acting how i have been wanting him to since we had kids seven years ago and im relieved to not be walking on eggshells or feeling like hes judging me, but hes lost his luster. hes just a guy who looks at hot chicks on instagram and worked overtime to blame me for every bad feeling.
even years ago he switched his instagram description from "just pics from my life and my family" to no reference to our family and no pics of anything but his projects and cars. his facebook profile pics havent included me for years. i actually realized that this past weekend and scrolled thru my profile pics that are just me and him for the past seven years and switched it to one of me and my boys.
i just feel that ive endured years of him checking out of his adoration of me and these are tangible pieces of evidence of that...im tired of not feeling good. in the past month since hes flipped a switch he also bought me an anniversary band a month after our ten year anniversary. its like once he started feeling better emotionally he got nicer and suddenly wanted to do something nice for me. i wouldve relished this stuff even a year earlier i would be thrilled right now.
but ive spent years with him nagging and yelling and grumbling and taking me for granted and even threatening divorce when he was miserable with a couple different jobs, while i was slowly finding ways to feel at peace outside of him.
ive recently read about the walk away wife syndrome and i hate that emotionally thats where im at. i dont want to ever get divorced. i want our life forever. i dont want our kids to have two homes. i want to just fully embrace the sweet attentive person my husband has become the past month. im not sure if this new "him" will last, so ill continue to plan to embrace the things about myself and my life beyond him. what scares me is if this medication is helping and hes taking a turn for better for good, wouldnt it be depressing if he waited too long, after years and years, and only gets his issues under control once i checked out? the instagram thing sounds silly but it's just this huge representation of the ways he DOESNT make me feel special or cherished, and my silly little crushes recently have been vague glimpses into feelings im clearly missing and craving.

Ever wished there was an LOK magazine? Here's a scenario.
The hylden seer, assuming she was already a thing in earlier timelines, remains as the last vampire after Raziel kills Kain with the reaver, races to the silenced cathedral to rid the world of any remaining Kain spawn, and then politely folds himself away into the blade for safekeeping. Ahh, Timeline 2.
Elder god seemed to believe this was the end, that the worldwide vampire count would be brought to zero after the time loop completed its work.
So Elder missed one. The fun is in figuring out what made The Seer invisible to the many eyed god. Because that's a trick Kain could benefit greatly from learning. Could be she carries a magic artifact that cloaks her similar to Elder's own ability to go Unseen, or powerful magics went in to crafting her unique hybrid status with the result that she's a cosmic exception to the rules, not only escaping Banishment but also escaping detection by the true enemy the hylden knew they were fighting? A truly invisible person would probably be trying not to have any impact on history, to avoid drawing the god's many eyes to themself, and she failed that test as soon as we met her. Hmmm.
Does one Timestreamer have difficulty spying another??? The "prophet's camouflage." Or she may be hiding in plain sight by making sure her fate line reads as harmless when scanned by other Powers. For example, Elder may "know" she's a sterile mule, incapable of spreading the vampire curse to others. This could cause him to overlook her as a non-factor. And if she's discovered a way to overcome this sterility she knows not to reveal this until a moment comes when Elder can be blindsided by a new era of vampirism, her hybrid species brood.
Siring hylden vampires would be a way for the Seer to make friends and influence people, creating a pathway for her ascendence to the hylden throne, etc. Creating an army would make her an interesting mirror image of Vorador, perhaps ultimately tracing back to whatever passed between them that left her owing Vorador a favor. What if Vorador only unlocked her ability to sire vampires in the most recent BO2 timeline, after vampire paradoxes caused Elder to lose control of the timeline?
As paradoxes improve Kain's fate, the Seer watches. She's watched Kain go from dead to an increasingly relevant player in Nosgoth's endgame, whatever that might be. Yet she still claims her fate lies along a different path than his. What? How is this town big enough for the both of them? How is her plan for the future not even going to run into his? I listen to her on this because she said it with more current timeline knowledge than Kain who's been winging it ever since SoulReaver2. She's seen something he knows not. His fade? Time is vast. He could grab the center and hold on for another 2000 years with a hylden return happening on the far side of Kain's eventual retirement from history. Maybe Kain tires of one planet and hylden science makes it possible for him to take off for the stars. Or he and Elder knock one another out of existence, leaving the world to the hybrid hylden and humans.
If the forever war is ever to end, the hybridizing of vampire and hylden into one species is a serious attempt at smoothing out their differences, is it not? Kind of a sad concession to have to make. Yet it's a Nosgoth style solution. And Kain would fight it, then maybe come to see the wisdom of it. Once it was clear he was an outdated old world remnant, would he let the species go in a new direction and step aside as a warrior the world no longer needs? The Seer takes the reins to usher in the long peace now that Balance has been restored?
There's lots of permutations of how it might play out, giving both Kain and Seer their wins vs fate, each for their own species, whether their efforts are separate or coordinated. That's why I favor a game format where we could play through numerous conclusions. Like a chronoplast that lets you dive in to the various future visions and join the action.

I have been growing out my hair all year during my freshman year at college. It has gotten quite long and I really would like to get it cut but I have no idea what hairstyle I should go for. I am an Asian American with a triangle face shape (forehead width: 6 inches, Cheekbone width: 4.5 inches, Jawline width: 9 inches, Face length: 7.5 inches) and my hair is (to my understanding) 3a curls, medium texture, medium porosity, high density, high elasticity
Here are some recent photos of how it looks (first four are directly after air drying from shower, fifth and sixth is me just living life, seventh and eighth is me right out the shower, and the last one is how the hair looked at the beginning of the school year)
PLEASE HELP: any recommendations would be very much appreciated. I would prefer a hair style that kept the hair out my eyes but beyond that I just want to look good. I am a high energy person who does voice acting and marketing

TL;DR— Nasacort and Singulair have changed my life for the better. Thanks to this thread for those recommendations!
I just wanted to share here (since this thread has been so helpful to me) that I’ve recently found significant relief in starting two new meds— one being Nasacort, a simple OTC spray, the other being Singulair (Montelukast), a Rx drug that I was hesitant to take for years due to its Black label warning from the FDA, but which has helped me tremendously.
Y’all shared in these threads that these medications had changed your life, and I’m so grateful because that gave me the push I needed to try them. I’ve always had pretty bad seasonal allergies, but after having COVID in 2022, my allergies went completely crazy. April through September were a nightmare. I could barely function, had terrible brain fog, debilitating symptoms, had trouble working, couldn’t go outside, began experiencing allergic asthma… the whole works. Hay fever all day every day. I had sinus infections that led to terrible bronchitis. I was living on multiple Zyrtec a day (which honestly didn’t touch my symptoms), Sudafed during the day, Benadryl at night, Flonase, Ipaproprium Bromide spray and a host of supplements (Quercetin, vitamin c, stinging nettle, et.al) I tried EVERYTHING. (And I mean everything— diet, breath work, acupuncture, Ayurvedic treatments, the lot.) The majority of “alternative” / natural remedies have helped a little, but they’re more an extra support for my symptoms… they really didn’t do a whole lot for me.
Someone on here recommended Nasacort. And while it took a few weeks to kick in, when it did, a TOTAL game changer. I am free of chronic postnasal drip for maybe the first time in years?! I cannot believe it. If you haven’t tried Nasacort yet, I highly recommend it. No negative side effects. Safe for longer term use.
Upon searching these threads for how to deal with allergic asthma, I read more about Singulair. I’d always been nervous to take it because it can have bad psychological side effects, but it was nearly my last resort. My allergist told me that some folks have bad side effects, but the majority of people tolerate it well. I’m thrilled to say it’s working SO well for me. (Full disclosure: I also take Wellbutrin, an antidepressant). Singulair makes you a little sleepy, so it’s recommended you take it at night. It can give you very vivid dreams, and in my case, that’s been true. Other than that, zero side effects. My dreams are weirdly way more fun now, lol. Singulair has eliminated my allergic asthma— I can now exercise outside now during allergy season and not have to spend the next day in bed. Hallelujah!
Anyways, as a lifelong allergy sufferer / long Covid allergy mystery, I just wanted to share that these meds have helped me tremendously and I hope everyone can get what they need this allergy season!
Extra disclosure— I am very early in this journey, so no way to tell yet how much it’s helping, but I’m doing allergy immunotherapy with my allergist. I started with shots, but started reacting with major swelling at a very low dosage of the subcutaneous injection, so he has switched me to SLIT— sublingual drops. They’re European dosing guidelines, so very high quality and a high concentration serum. I’m only one month in, so I can’t say decisively how much they’re helping yet because it’s a 5 year process, but I’m hopeful my full court press against my seasonal allergies does the trick.

“True happiness comes from the joy of deeds well done, the zest of creating things new.” Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Bio
Name: Taylor Bennett Armstrong	Date of Birth: 04/03/2024
Age: 15 years old	Gender: Demiboy (he/his, they/them)
Sexual Orientation: Pansexual	Nationality: Canadian
Ethnicity: Irish-Jewish	Languages: English, French, Japanese
Hometown: Toronto, Canada	Demigod Conundrums: ADHD

Family:

Name Relation Age Occupation Relationship ------------
Benjamin Armstrong Father 42 years old Artist Taylor shares a special bond with his father, Benjamin Armstrong. Despite being a single parent for much of Taylor's life, Benjamin always made sure to provide a loving and nurturing environment for his son. He recognized Taylor's unique talents from a young age and encouraged him to explore his creativity without limitations. Benjamin's own passion for art and innovation served as an inspiration for Taylor, shaping his worldview and igniting his love for invention. Benjamin supports Taylor's dreams and ambitions wholeheartedly, even if he doesn't always understand the mechanics behind his son's creations.
Eliza Armstrong Stepmother 43 years old Graphic Designer She brings a different perspective to Taylor's life. As a graphic designer, she values precision and order, which sometimes clashes with Taylor's more spontaneous and chaotic approach to creativity. However, despite their differences, Eliza cares deeply for Taylor and wants what's best for him. She worries about Taylor's safety and well-being, especially when his inventions go awry and cause unintended chaos. She often finds herself playing the role of the voice of reason, urging Taylor to think things through more carefully before diving headfirst into his next project. Despite their occasional disagreements, Eliza recognizes Taylor's potential and admires his boundless imagination and ingenuity.
Rachel Armstrong Half-sister 10 years old Student Rachel Armstrong, Taylor's half-sister, adores her older brother and looks up to him with wide-eyed admiration. From a young age, she was fascinated by Taylor's inventions and artistic talents, often trailing after him like a curious puppy, eager to learn and explore alongside him. Taylor sees Rachel as the most precious angel in the world and is very protective of her. He takes great joy in teaching her how to sketch, build, and code, fostering her own love for art and invention. Rachel, in turn, idolizes her big brother and cherishes their time together.

Appearance

Faceclaim: this Picrew Voiceclaim Walter from Spies in Disguise

Features	Description
Height	5’8 feet
Weight	157 lbs
Hair	Ginger
Eyes	Blue
Skin	Tan
Build	Lean, slim
Scent	Ink, paint, oil
Attire	Gamer Aesthetic

Overview: Ginger Hair: One of Taylor's most noticeable features is his vibrant ginger hair, which seems to have a life of its own. His locks cascade in untamed waves around his head, framing his face in a fiery halo. Despite occasional attempts to tame it, Taylor's hair always manages to retain its wild, rebellious spirit, reflecting his own untamed nature. Taylor's eyes are a mesmerizing shade of blue. They sparkle with curiosity and intelligence, constantly darting from one point of interest to the next. Across Taylor's nose and cheeks are scattered a constellation of freckles, like tiny stars dotting the canvas of his face. Despite his intelligence beyond his years, Taylor's face retains a youthful charm and innocence. His features are soft and rounded, with a hint of boyish mischief lurking behind his bright smile. There is a sense of wonder and curiosity in his expression, as if he is forever on the brink of discovering something new and exciting. Taylor's fashion sense is a reflection of his personality, blending comfort with a hint of geeky flair. He favors graphic t-shirts adorned with characters from his favorite video games, showcasing his love for gaming and pop culture. His hoodies are oversized and well-worn, providing both warmth and a sense of familiarity. Taylor's cargo pants are practical and utilitarian, offering plenty of pockets to store his tools and gadgets for tinkering. His sneakers are his constant companions, scuffed and worn from countless adventures and late-night gaming marathons.

Personality

“Creativity is a wild mind and a disciplined eye.” Dorothy Parker
Quality Traits Positive Optimistic, Creative, Kind-hearted, Spontaneous, Resilient Neutral Naive, Chaotic, Impulsive, Eccentric, Idealistic Negative Gullible, Overbearing, Impatient, Inattentive, Stubborn
Overview: Taylor radiates an infectious positivity that lights up any room he enters. He greets each day with boundless enthusiasm, seeing every challenge as an opportunity for adventure and growth. His optimism is unwavering, even in the face of adversity, and he has a knack for finding the silver lining in the darkest of situations. Taylor's sunny disposition makes him a joy to be around, and his genuine smile can brighten even the gloomiest of days. Taylor marches to the beat of his own drum, embracing his individuality with gusto. He has never been one to conform to societal norms or expectations, preferring to chart his own course through life. Taylor's free-spirited nature is reflected in everything he does, from his spontaneous inventions to his unconventional approach to problem-solving. He thrives on the freedom to express himself creatively, unbound by rules or conventions. Taylor's energy is boundless, and he approaches everything he does with an infectious sense of excitement and wonder. He is easily captivated by new ideas and experiences, often bouncing from one project to the next with the fervor of a child in a candy store. Taylor's excitable nature fuels his insatiable curiosity, driving him to constantly seek out new challenges and adventures. Despite his youthful exuberance, Taylor possesses a keen intellect far beyond his years. He is a natural problem-solver, able to think outside the box and come up with innovative solutions to even the most daunting of challenges. Taylor's mind is a whirlwind of ideas and possibilities, constantly buzzing with new inventions and artistic endeavors. His creativity knows no bounds, and he revels in the thrill of bringing his imagination to life. Taylor's intelligence and creativity have instilled in him a healthy dose of confidence, bordering on cockiness at times. He knows his worth and isn't afraid to show it, often speaking his mind with a brashness that can catch others off guard. However, Taylor's confidence is tempered by his humility and genuine humility. He is quick to acknowledge his mistakes and learn from them, never allowing his ego to overshadow his humanity. At the core of Taylor's personality is a deep well of kindness and empathy for others. He genuinely cares about the people around him and goes out of his way to help those in need. Taylor's compassion knows no bounds, and he often puts the needs of others before his own. He is quick to offer a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on, and his unwavering support has endeared him to many. Beneath Taylor's cheerful exterior lies a vulnerability that he often tries to conceal. He is sensitive to the opinions of others and fears being rejected or misunderstood. Taylor's insecurities stem from a desire to be accepted and valued for who he truly is, flaws and all. Despite his outward confidence, he struggles with feelings of loneliness and self-doubt, yearning for genuine connections and validation. Taylor's drive for excellence can sometimes border on perfectionism, leading him to be overly critical of himself and his work. He sets high standards for himself and is often disappointed when he falls short of his own expectations. However, Taylor's perfectionism is tempered by his resilience and determination to persevere in the face of failure. He sees each setback as an opportunity to learn and grow, refusing to let obstacles dampen his spirit. Taylor has a gift for communication, able to express his thoughts and feelings with clarity and sincerity. He is a natural storyteller, captivating audiences with his animated anecdotes and infectious enthusiasm. Taylor's ability to connect with others on a deep emotional level makes him a trusted confidant and valued friend. He listens intently to others, offering words of encouragement and wisdom when needed. Taylor approaches life with a sense of adventure, always eager to explore new horizons and push the boundaries of what is possible. He thrives on the thrill of discovery, relishing in the excitement of unknown possibilities. Taylor's insatiable curiosity drives him to seek out new experiences and embrace the unknown with open arms. Whether embarking on a daring quest or simply trying out a new recipe, he approaches each adventure with the same sense of wonder and excitement. Taylor has a playful sense of humor that often borders on mischievousness. He loves to joke and laugh, finding joy in the absurdities of life. Taylor's playful nature brings levity to even the most serious of situations, helping to ease tension and lift spirits. He delights in pulling harmless pranks and sharing witty banter with friends, always with a twinkle in his eye and a grin on his face. Taylor is incredibly adaptable, able to thrive in any environment or situation. He approaches change with a sense of curiosity and excitement, eager to embrace new challenges and opportunities. Taylor's ability to adapt to different circumstances has served him well throughout his life, allowing him to navigate the complexities of both the mortal world and the realm of the gods with ease.
Preferences
Favourite... Item Food Macaroni and cheese, mango milkshake Colour Electric Blue Season Summer Weather Sunny, warm, clear skies Music Pop, rock, orchestral, jazz, celtic Animals Bunnies and Cats Book/Movie Genre Fantasy, Sci-fi, Romance, Slice-of-life, Adventure, Action Media Avatar: The Last Airbender, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Chronicles of Narnia, Kingdom Hearts, Legend of Zelda, Genshin Impact, Honkai Impact 3rd, Honkai: Star Rail, Pokémon, a scary amount of anime, etc…
Hobbies:

• Drawing
• Painting
• Crafting
• Sewing
• Video Games
• Cosplay

Demigod Info

Powers

Name	Type	Description
Psychometry	Domain	The ability to glean information from a particular object relevant to the parent's domain, especially its material make-up and method of creation. (Crafts, Mechanics and Art)
Enhanced Skill Proficiency	Domain	A trait where one is naturally adept in the skills lorded over by their parent. (Crafts, Mechanics and Art)
Summon Tool	Domain	The ability to summon any small tool. (Once every 5 minutes or per turn.) (Duct Tape or Superglue)
Machine Communication	Minor	A trait where one is able to understand and communicate with automatons and machinery (includes code).
Electrical Resistance	Minor	A trait where one is able to resist electricity to a such degree that they are able to withstand badly interacting with small appliances.
Machine Manipulation (Technokinesis)	Minor	The ability to directly control mechanisms, machines and automatons.
Basic Enchantment	Major	The ability to imbue weapons, crafts, machinery and automatons with magical properties (modmail for specific enchantments). Options: Weapon Transformation—into a mundane item; Monster Hunting Proficiency for a) Fleshy Monsters—Sharpness, b) Armored Monsters—Bludgeoning, c) Ghosty Monsters—Absorption

Weapon of Choice: Bastard Sword
Fatal Flaw: Naivety Taylor's fatal flaw lies in his inherent naivety, stemming from his trusting and optimistic nature. Despite his intelligence and creativity, Taylor often lacks the worldly wisdom and discernment needed to navigate the complexities of the world around him. His naivety makes him vulnerable to manipulation and deception, as he struggles to see the darker intentions lurking behind the smiles of others.

Items and Equipment

Name	Age	Description
Sketchbook	7 years old	Taylor always carries a sketchbook with him, filled with doodles, sketches, and designs inspired by his vivid imagination.
Art Supplies	3 years old	As someone who enjoys art, Taylor keeps a collection of art supplies like pencils, markers, and colored pencils, allowing him to bring his creative visions to life wherever he goes.
Tool Kit	5 years old	As a budding inventor and tinkerer, Taylor carries a compact tool kit with him at all times. It contains essential tools like screwdrivers, pliers, wrenches, and a mini soldering iron, allowing him to repair gadgets, fix mechanical issues, and work on DIY projects on the fly.
Nintendo Switch	2 years old	Taylor never leaves home without Nintendo Switch. He keeps a selection of his favorite games in his backpack, ready to play whenever he has a spare moment to indulge in his love of gaming.
Music Player	3 years old	Music is a constant source of inspiration and motivation for Taylor, so he always carries a portable music player loaded with his favorite tunes.
Cat Headphones	1 year old	High-quality headphones that allow him to escape into his own world of music whenever he needs a break from the hustle and bustle of everyday life. They are cat-themed for no reason other than Taylor felt like it.

Trivia

• Zodiac Sign: Pisces
• MBTI: ESTP-T (The Entrepreneur)
• Enneagram: Type 7 (The Enthusiast)
• Love Languages: Words of Affirmation (receive); Acts of service (give)
• Quirk: Doodling on almost every surface he sees when bored.
• Fears: Hurting People, Big Animals

Backstory

“There is no innovation and creativity without failure.” ***Brené Brown*
Taylor Bennett Armstrong was born into a creatively vibrant family. His father, Benjamin Armstrong, was a dedicated artist who often spent hours in his studio, painting and sculpting. Benjamin's work was deeply inspired by classical art, and his studio was filled with references to mythological themes and ancient techniques. This environment planted the seeds of creativity in Taylor from a very young age.
Taylor’s biological mother was Techne, the goddess of art, craft, and invention, but he had no knowledge of her divine heritage. His mother left shortly after his birth, leaving Benjamin to raise Taylor on his own. Despite the absence of his mother, Taylor's early childhood was filled with love and encouragement from his father.
When Taylor was five, Benjamin met Eliza, a talented graphic designer, at an art exhibit. They quickly bonded over their shared love for art and soon married. Eliza embraced Taylor as her own, though she struggled to understand his unique, often chaotic way of thinking and creating.
Even as a young child, Taylor showed remarkable intelligence and creativity. By the age of six, he was building simple machines and drawing intricate designs. His father was both amazed and slightly concerned when Taylor began to take apart household appliances to understand how they worked. While Benjamin encouraged his son's curiosity, Eliza worried about the constant mess and occasional accidents that resulted from Taylor's experiments.
Taylor’s half-sister, Rachel, was born when he was five. She looked up to her big brother with admiration, often following him around and watching as he created his various inventions. Despite the occasional mishap, Taylor and Rachel shared a close bond, with Taylor frequently making small toys and gadgets to entertain her.
School was both a blessing and a curse for Taylor. His intelligence allowed him to excel academically, but his unique way of thinking and his constant tinkering often got him into trouble. Teachers labeled him a "problem child" due to his inability to sit still and follow conventional methods. Taylor's inventions occasionally caused disruptions, further cementing his reputation.
Socially, Taylor found it hard to connect with his peers. His enthusiasm and intelligence often intimidated other children, and he was frequently taken advantage of by classmates who used him to boost their own grades. These experiences left Taylor feeling lonely and self-conscious about his naivety, although he never let it dampen his cheerful spirit.
Taylor's life took a dramatic turn when he was 15 years old. One day, while working on a particularly ambitious project in his makeshift workshop, he was visited by Oleander, a satyr sent by Camp Half-Blood. Oleander had been observing Taylor for some time, noting his extraordinary abilities and his connection to the divine.
Oleander revealed to Taylor the truth about his mother, Techne, and his demigod heritage. At first, Taylor was skeptical, thinking it was some sort of elaborate joke or fantasy. However, Oleander's ability to demonstrate his satyr powers and his deep knowledge of Taylor's unexplained talents eventually convinced him.
Explaining the situation to his family was a challenge. Benjamin, who had always suspected that there was something special about Taylor, took the news in stride. Eliza, though worried and confused, ultimately supported the decision, understanding that Camp Half-Blood could provide Taylor with the guidance he needed. Rachel was both excited and scared for her brother, worried about the dangers he might face and she would miss him.
Thankfully, despite the huge distance he and Oleander had to travel from Toronto to Long Island went calmly, for the most part, with not many delays or monsters attacking them.
Well, at least until they reached New York. After that, the whole “calm journey” was out the window. It almost seemed like all the monsters decided to wait until they were close to their destination to suddenly appear one after the other. First they had to somehow avoid a cyclops. Then they were attacked by dracanaea. And finally, they were chased by harpies until they crossed the border of Camp Half-Blood.
By some miracle, they were still alive.
What a way to be introduced to demigod life.

Present Day

“Creativity is inventing, experimenting, growing, taking risks, breaking rules, making mistakes, and having fun” Mary Lou Cook
Taylor's arrival at Campbell Half-Blood was… something, alright.
You know, being chased by monsters from New York to Long Island, passing out in between attacks and then waking up in the Medic Cabin feeling like you've been hit by a truck and maimed by a cat at the same time was, in short, not fun. It also didn't help the fact that he had to stay in bed to get treated for what, hours. Which, for someone like Taylor, was absolute torture. Good for him then that demigods, apparently, had magic healing and he didn't have to stay for days instead. At least Oleander was around to explain every detail about the world he's been thrust into now that he was out of danger. And as a plus, he was also claimed, so yay! He had no clue who Techne was, but he was sure he would learn soon enough.
So, what does Taylor do after getting patched up? Does he wait and rest for a bit just to make sure everything is okay with him? Does he stop for a moment to process everything that has happened to him in the last 24 hours?
No! Of course not! This is Taylor, after all. Him staying put for more than 10 minutes would be a miracle already.
Instead, he just went off on his own to see what this Camp Half-Blood was all about. He just had to get to his cabin first, which would be relatively easy with Oleander's instructions, and then he could explore this place to his heart's content!
Hopefully, Camp Half-Blood would be ready for the chaotic force Taylor would prove to be.
[OOC: Hello, everyone! Say hello to my new character, Taylor! Feel free to interact with him literally anywhere at Camp, he's probably going to be there at some point anyway lmao. Thanks for reading;)]

My grandparents (especially my grandmother) are so mentally challenged (including my mother) to the point where I don’t and can’t establish a connection how it is i even come from these people. For example today an argument happened between my grandmother and I. I have been dealing with a chronic medical condition called tmjd and I’m miserable every single day of my life. Today moments ago we tried to have a conversation about it that ended in disgrace as it normally does because my grandmother has such a significant lack of comprehension it’s almost unrealistic. We try to talk and it starts out by her asking me if I’m ok. I go on in an aggressive way to tell her no. I can’t even bare the idea of talking to her anymore because she disgusts me to the point of disbelief which is the reason I aggressively tell her no. Mainly because our conversation end up no where and what she says makes no sense at all sometimes. At this point after 6 whole years of dealing with this condition and wanting to die because of it she still has the audacity to say why. I don’t even know if it’s audacity at this point or if it’s just such complete ignorance. How after 6 full years of conversation after conversation, doctors after doctors. Getting injection therapies and so forth can she be so belligerent to keep asking me why. Same thing with my mother . My grandmother is 75 now but she has been like this her whole entire life. So it’s nothing new what so ever. I got this condition when I was 22 and haven’t been the same since. I used to be a regular gym goer. I was into powerlifting and believe me I was a strongman not just your average powerlifter. I had super human strength. Could have made worlds strongest man competition easily. I was healthy as an ox. I just don’t understand at this point how they can’t tell a difference. I mean my physical appearance is even dramatically different. So back to that. So I began by asking her how she can’t tell a difference in my physical appearance and condition. She says you look like you lost weight. I’m thinking ok but I’ve obviously lost muscle I have bags under my eyes I sit in the house all day and don’t move from my bed and all you have to say is I lost weight? Then I say I used to bench press so and so weight. I say what’s that mean to you that I can’t do that anymore. She says “it means you look good” …….WTF? I’m thinking to myself like this lady has absolutely lost her fucking mind what does that even mean. How does that mean that and how does she even think that it means that. It sounded like gibberish just came out her mouth. I feel like I’m talking to a bunch of two year olds all the time. Over the course of my entire life she has always said nonsense similar to this but in other ways with other conversations. My mother as well. I just feel completely lost at this point they have made me absolutely hate them. I hate them so much that if I wasn’t in this state of condition I’d pack my things up and leave and never look back and change my contact information and all. They are all so mentally challenged that I have no idea how they made it in life. It’s absolutely astounding. My grandmother has never had a job in her life. My grandfather owns a bar and my mother runs it. But for Christ sake I just don’t know what to do anymore I’m in misery every single day of my life and I want to die. My family does not by any means make my life any easier and they help me in no way other than giving me a place to live. They don’t even know where to begin to help me even if they wanted to. I just feel like every time I talk to any of them our conversation feel child like. It’s like I’m the adult and they are the children. I just want to hold and intellectual conversation with my family but I know they are not capable of it and it’s saddening. But mainly frustrating to the point where I want to hit them. It’s not even about trying to have an intelligent conversation (because they aren’t capable) but it’s about even having a regular one which is difficult to them. It always ends up in an argument where they are saying things from emotion and not actually logical in anyway and so then it’s turns into this victim mentality situation and it’s just an absolute fucking mess. Or someone says something that’s utterly gibberish. It’s pointless to talk to them anymore and I have nobody I can speak with about it. It’s so awkward just being around these guys and not talking to them through the entire day. There’s times where my grandmother will constantly insist on talking to me me but I straight up totally ignore her. And she won’t understand that that’s what I’m doing and she’ll hold an entire conversation basically by her self but she’ll imagine she’s talking with me. I mean it’s absolutely crazy what I go through with these guys. If I want to ignore my mother she’ll turn hostile. But if I know it’s one of those days for her that’s she’s going to say some dumb ass shit I have two choices which is engage in conversation with her whether I like it or not and it still turns into an argument or ignore her which will turn into an argument. It’s a lose situation with her all the time. She’s also an alcoholic and won’t admit it. I just wish I had some help in my life but there isn’t any. I have hundreds of videos of these guys acting belligerent and senile. I just know if I ever get better I’ll always have these to reflect on and remember as to why I went my separate way and decided to never talk to any of them again. Any suggestions other than move out. Talk to a therapist or go for a walk. I also have about 8 disc herniations from a car accident. So makes it even more difficult to get out. I don’t have a job because I’m so disabled from having a constant head and the car accident. I just don’t know anymore. Trust me if I had the option to move out I would have a long time ago. I hate them so much. I mean I genuinely from the bottom of my soul hate them. Very badly hate them. I wake up in disgust. I look at them with disgust. Everything disgust me about them. And they don’t get that. They don’t even act accordingly to other emotions to towards them. If I knew someone hated me as much as I hate them I’d never try to establish a connection with them just based off of that. But they act as if they never get into an argument with each other one moment and then the other are screaming their heads off at each other. My mother does 90% of the screaming. She’s screams like a maniac. I understand everyone has yelled before in their life but when it comes to my mom she’s screaming on a regular basis. It’s made me absolutely despise her. I won’t miss a single one of them when they die. They have no respect for me or understanding that I’m going through what I’m going through. I can’t express how much I hate them. My stomach feels uneasy when I look at any of them let alone want to talk to them. My mother nonchalantly goes on with her life right after an argument and then will talk to you moments later as if it didn’t even happen. My grandmother does the same. I just want to feel better so I can move on in my life. I forget to mention my dad has never been in the picture. But from my understanding after talking to him a few times I understand exactly why he’s not apart of my life. I mean we talk over the phone. But I understand why the relationship between him and my mother never lasted. Just by what he tells me about my mom, I can relate the same experiences. Makes total sense and I swear to God, I do not blame the man.