I understand that Chantix is a divisive option for those looking to quit smoking. The reason I want to write this post is because when I did research online, both on reddit and other forums and looking for studies, it was overwhelming negative feedback. The main narrative was that Chantix made people depressed, suicidal, attempt suicide, or rage on the drug, and there were many warnings specifically against those with mental health disorders taking it.
I just want to share my experience to balance out anyone searching on the internet and may stumble upon this. Obviously do your due diligence, talk to your psychiatrist/doctor, and don't be mad at me if you hate it!
I started smoking young (teenager) and quit in 2013 when I was 24 going cold turkey, because I was broke and I felt guilty taking money from my dad for asthma meds when I was secretly smoking. Shame worked as a motivator, apparently. One quit, cold turkey. Fast forward to 2021, when a very close friend suddenly passed away. I am sober form alcohol, and rationalized that I "deserved one vice" while I grieved with friends. This addiction spiraled faster than the first time, and I was up to a pack a day fairly quickly. I tried many times to quit. Chose quit dates, tried the patch, tried the gum. Nothing worked. Chantix was my last resort.
About me: 34/female, mental health issues (anxiety, depression, OCD, probably others depending on the therapist's viewpoint). I started chantix knowing it could be bad, but I was desperate.
My experience with Chantix: I chose a quit date as instructed and planned on smoking the first seven days on the drug, as instructed. By day 3, cigarettes tasted awful. It was hard for me to finish one. By day 4, I was still mentally craving cigarettes but annoyed that I had to smoke a gross cigarette to get through it. When I finished a pack on day 4, I didn't immediately buy one. I still haven't. That was April 1st.
Obviously I'm still in 'early days' but the difference this time is there is 0 white-knuckling, I don't care about cigarettes, don't crave them. I just feel like a non-smoker. It's a non-entity that I don't think about. I have been on dates with men who smoke around me and I don't crave them. It's honestly magic.
My mood: I swear that Chantix has IMPROVED my mood. I've read a couple studies that this is a known thing for many people with depression, especially those on an SSRI. Chantix is great as an anti-depressant for many people, but no pharma company wants to touch a formerly black-box drug linked to suicide. I understand that, but I'm also sad more people don't know about it. Chantix has decreased my binge eat behaviors, and I've stopped biting my nails. Ironically, my suicidal ideation intrusive thoughts have also stopped. It feels like a miracle drug (for me) but I fully understand that it's not for everyone. Unfortunately PMS still sucked -- even Chantix couldn't cut through that (I was hopeful).
Feel free to ask me questions! Good luck everyone ˙ᵕ˙

I've known a group since we met online over the course of 2019-2021. We've called nearly every day for years, and I don't have anyone nearly as close as these people in my life. There's about five of them, with a few others who are less present but join call and hang out ever so often.
For context, I created a discord server for all of us to hang out in, which has existed since 2020 and is still our main 'base of operations'. Because of this, I do find the server had centered around me more than I would like, since I am mainly the one inviting users, initiating game/movie nights, etc... Which has caused a power imbalance that I frankly hate. In this server, there are two who I'll call X and Y.
X & Y know each other IRL for far longer than they have known me, but recently X had grown much closer to me than Y, which has led to Y constantly talking depressingly about themselves being a bad friend, and being upset with us for 'being good at talking together'. I find this extremely frustrating considering they hang out all the time without me, and because Y has increased efforts to leave me out so they can feel better.
That argument and aftermath caused a chain of events for me, in which I had more frequent thoughts regarding loneliness, feeling left out, and feeling as if I didn't really have anyone who was my number one/main friend/do or die. I became paranoid that an day, these people would all abandon me and I would have no one that considered me their most important.
That feeling turned into a preemptive betrayal, and now I just feel like I can't enjoy any of them, even if they're all I have. Like I know they don't care, so I stop joning vcs. But then id rationalize and tell myself its not that deep, join, and leave soon after because I just feel deep rooted hate for these people. Like they aren't funny anymore, like I feel its all fake.
The weirdest part about all of this is that I know I still like them, because I never hate every person at once. Its weird, but it switches. Ill hate X for a few days, even when they're my best friend, ill be short with them, reply less, act as if i didn't hear them when I did, etc.. Only to suddenly lose all those emotions and realize how much they matter to me, talk them up a storm and have a wonderful time. This even happens with other people in the server that aren't around much, where even if I never had a negative experience with them, I refuse to speak in vcs or chats they are in and join only when they are gone.
I just wish that i could go back to how it was, but no matter how much therapy I get or how much I rationalize, my anger is always there and picking a new person to be mad at to the point where Im just so dreadful to be around because I become a total asshat. I know its probably me, but I also blame Y for a lot of my feelings, I just wish they'd stop whining and realize no ones replacing anyone with anyone else (but that could just be directed anger or some shit).

My friend (24F) and I (24M) were hanging out recently when she opened up about some tough things she’s been dealing with. She’s been feeling unhappy with her living situation and her roommates, to the point where she decided to move out. Things got even harder for her after she broke her ankle. The injury forced her to take a break from work, which made her feel really isolated since she couldn’t get out much.
As we talked more, she shared that she was worried about something deeper. She’s been feeling some bad vibes and is concerned it might be related to spiritual energy or magic. Now, she’s on a quest to find people who understand these things to help her make sense of what’s going on and hopefully feel better. It is worth mentioning that she has a bad past, and a dismantled family.
For further clarification, we have been hanging out for almost a year now, she holds significance to me. However, I am more of a scientific guy, I look towards life in a logical, scientific, and rational way rather than emotionally, and I have a fairly stable life, in all the different fields. The problem arose when I decided to not just stick to listening but to guide her and confront her, maybe extract her from the deep hole of depression she is in, after all those ideas are a result of the situation she is in. Ultimately, I advised her to obliterate the idea she had. The underworld of spiritual people has never been truthful in any scientific way, never been precise or accurate from a philosophical approach, and they have never been legitimately advising others. Engaging with such surroundings might lead to one of two. Either believe their lies and feel temporarily better by their flimsy fables, just like how drugs obliviate the human mind, fake satisfaction. Or they drown her deeper into a profound hole, followed by severe consequences on her side.
To make things better I wanted/ advised /encouraged/ motivated/ promoted her to keep her schedule full and stay around people, friends, and family. Only not while working on herself by reading actual beneficial books, learning online/on-site a new skill or ameliorating existing competencies, and doing sports.
However, she got triggered when I asked her what she had done in the past 365 days, I know she has been through a lot in the past, and asking her such a question was the cherry on the cake, she became mad, I can't even forget her gaze into my eyes, she cried, and almost hit me with a bottle of water. I obviously care about her a lot, and I felt guilty for pushing her that much, but on the other hand, I intended to help and aid, I began from a further point in life, and yet, I made it out, I want the same for her too. Even after what happened I calmed her down, apologized to her and hugged her tight. Although the dust settled, I still feel guilty and hurt for how she reacted, and for hurting her feelings that much, so AITAH for pushing her that much by asking such critical and sensitive questions though I knew she is quite sensitive. ?

My friend (24F) and I (24M) were hanging out recently when she opened up about some tough things she’s been dealing with. She’s been feeling unhappy with her living situation and her roommates, to the point where she decided to move out. Things got even harder for her after she broke her ankle. The injury forced her to take a break from work, which made her feel really isolated since she couldn’t get out much.
As we talked more, she shared that she was worried about something deeper. She’s been feeling some bad vibes and is concerned it might be related to spiritual energy or magic. Now, she’s on a quest to find people who understand these things to help her make sense of what’s going on and hopefully feel better. It is worth mentioning that she has a bad past, and a dismantled family.
For further clarification, we have been hanging out for almost a year now, she holds significance to me. However, I am more of a scientific guy, I look towards life in a logical, scientific, and rational way rather than emotionally, and I have a fairly stable life, in all the different fields. The problem arose when I decided to not just stick to listening but to guide her and confront her, maybe extract her from the deep hole of depression she is in, after all those ideas are a result of the situation she is in. Ultimately, I advised her to obliterate the idea she had. The underworld of spiritual people has never been truthful in any scientific way, never been precise or accurate from a philosophical approach, and they have never been legitimately advising others. Engaging with such surroundings might lead to one of two. Either believe their lies and feel temporarily better by their flimsy fables, just like how drugs obliviate the human mind, fake satisfaction. Or they drown her deeper into a profound hole, followed by severe consequences on her side.
To make things better I wanted/ advised /encouraged/ motivated/ promoted her to keep her schedule full and stay around people, friends, and family. Only not while working on herself by reading actual beneficial books, learning online/on-site a new skill or ameliorating existing competencies, and doing sports.
However, she got triggered when I asked her what she had done in the past 365 days, I know she has been through a lot in the past, and asking her such a question was the cherry on the cake, she became mad, I can't even forget her gaze into my eyes, she cried, and almost hit me with a bottle of water. I obviously care about her a lot, and I felt guilty for pushing her that much, but on the other hand, I intended to help and aid, I began from a further point in life, and yet, I made it out, I want the same for her too. Even after what happened I calmed her down, apologized to her and hugged her tight. Although the dust settled, I still feel guilty and hurt for how she reacted, and for hurting her feelings that much, so AITAH for pushing her that much by asking such critical and sensitive questions though I knew she is quite sensitive. ?

hi, i am 42 and i feel all i have in my life is my job and my parents of whom i live with.
i have no children or family or my own, and this failing has been eating away at me. tried to do something about it but nothing availed (career? string of dead end jobs. women? never reply or can ever get close to on a personal level). after my grandmum died a few weeks ago i really do begin to feel the clock ticking and this anxiety and worry, i dont know if thats a midlife crisis.
all i know, this is not just an episode of being 'down in the dumps'. its been something i feel its been growing inside me for years - not in my head, but feeling it from my gut. i'm starting to feel it interrupting my job. my get up and go has got up has gone. i just dont feel like working even though the rational part of me forces myself to just do it. i dont know if i have depression but lately i am in this state where i just dont feel like doing anything and i am just unhappy.
i used to be a gamer in my 30s as a hobby, but i havent even touched my ps5 for over 6 months. i've sold all my games. i just lost the will to play.
i have been seeing a counsellor for 11 years in trying to 'get help' (as everyone keeps saying) but i feel its done hardly anything for me. she has aspired me to do travelling to get out my comfort zone and meet people, which i have done. but thats it. even travelling is becoming meaningless now because i am constantly in this state of preoccupation. i know after a big holiday i'll never see those people again even if they add me on facebook or not (and when they don't, it hurts).
people say talk to friends and family. i have no real friends. never have. when i was a little boy in school, i was bullied. in secondary school i got focused on my studies thinking that eventually, a degree would unlock a life of fabulous riches. but i eventually learned the hard way with years of unemployment that it wasnt, back then. i tried reaching out to people, online via a facebook group, but it descended to insults and hurtful remarks that left me banned and made me punched the wall. my family doesnt know about my feelings, becaise from what i have seen, mental health is seen as taboo. they'll just admonish me, shout me down, tell me to get a grip. i cant really talk to them because they're going to deny theres a problem. and i dont want to break their hearts, especially my parents. i rather soak the pain than bring them in it. i love them too much to see them feel hurt for me.
social groups - when going out, if its not work or a family function, i largely have social anxiety. i so badly want to meet women and get a girlfriend, who hopefully becomes my wife and eventual mother to my kids and form my new family, but i just seem incapable of it. i just cant get close to a woman at that personal and intimate level. if i try, it results in failure and embarassment. at the rare times i did try, it just doesnt come out right. i once went to salsa dancing class in a big city nearby, trying to talk to women, but the anxiety was so overwhelming, i couldnt breathe, and thought i was going to have a heart attack, i had to get out of there. i never been back since. i dont even go to pubs. i think about women more and more - even women i wasnt attracted to at first, drives me crazy now. i remember when leaving a job to move to another, a lady colleague i worked alot with hugged me, and it felt unlike anything i felt before. it was amazing. the softness, the warmth, the care...its as if i was missing that my whole life. i was close to crying. i want to experience true closeness, and intimacy.
thats not to say i'm a virgin. i lost my virginity at 30 to an escort; that was a unsatisfying experience as even then i had anxiety and couldnt perform properly - i did it because i didnt wanted to be the '30 year old virgin'. i just cant seem to get close with women. i tend to obsess about them. my instagram feed is full of attractive women. seeing beautiful ones on tv, even if its just the weather girl or news reader, it drives me nuts. in my job, i work with journalists, and theres many women there. i can talk to them confidently and easily, IF ITS ABOUT WORK. the instances i tried to talk about life in trying to get to know them and get close to them, the barrier goes up. i can tell because they wont add me on fb or whatever. i just cant seem to hack it with women. no woman = no wife = no mother to my children = no family of my own = no legacy.
i appreciate some might say not having family should not mean one is a failure. however, as much as i tried to ignore it, i come from a culture whereby family trumps everything else - money, career, hobbies, everything. i been ignoring it for years. trying to chase a career, which ended up as a string of dead end temporary jobs. losing 15 years of my life to this, living from temp job to temp job, and going to over 200 job interviews in getting secure employment, enduring hundreds of devastating rejections. but, years later, i now have at least job security, which is most important, but am beginning to feel the limit of my pay. trying to chase a career, spending nights throughout the 2010s playing video games and enjoying my gaming career in that, playing adventure games...but now i have reached a point where i've 'run out' of games to play and nothing (except maybe gta6) will interest me in picking up a controller again. i've grown out of it, it seems. i even been travelling more too - i travel far, and so big holidays. from usa, to africa, to europe, to india, and soon to be going to australia... doing all sorts of holidays from cruises, ranch holidays, safari, hiking, group road trips, wildlife conservation volunteering, sailing the mediterrarian - grand, amazing experiences that does suspend my worries... but in the end, i keep coming back to them, this feeling of emptiness.
my big fear is seeing my parents get older and dying from a broken heart caused by me. my dad worked in construction but is retired and now freelances, and he tends to hurt himself in accidents as he gets clumsy. my mother works in a school. i have always lived with my family except during the years i was at university. i feel my mum and dad are my 'best friends' - sad as it sounds -and the thought of them both going to die somepoint in the future, fills me with dread. because i feel i have failed them, in not continuing the family line. failing to secure a legacy for us. to keep us all going, surviving through the next generation. when i think about it deeply, our bloodline has been passed down for thousands of years, surviving through all sorts such as wars, plagues, and revolutions. i feel compelled to continue it, as if its a duty, and i dont want my parents to die with their last thoughts being disappointment. i can see it in my dads eyes already, the sadness. he wants to play with his grandchildren, but he has none, and all his friends shows off their grandkids. similarly with me, i see people i went to school with, and ex-colleagues i used to work with...they all have kids and a house of their own and a car. i have none of that. i stand NO chance buying a house of my own as i simply can't afford it, and renting will be throwing my money away living on other peoples crap. i said to my parents i want to inherit this home when they go, because my memories are here. my history. our family memories. my happy childhood memories, growing up, the birthdays, playing with my brother, my parents, the fun times growing up, coming back from school, doing homework, watching football together on the TV in the 90s, our first pc, all of it. all of these amazing experiences back then, i love to go through again, but this time with my own kids, seeing them grow up, playing with toys, drawing, having a first pet, etc...to navigate life with them as a father, and teaching them what i believe is required to be a good person.
before you say it, i'm not just doing it for my parents. i want a family for myself. i feel if i failed to have children, failed to find someone who loves me, failed to have any friends, failed to have had any influence or imprint on the world nomatter how small - i actually feel i'm not part of this world. to quote ellie from the last of us, my life would not have 'fkn mattered'. its as if i am a 'watcher', if that makes sense, not part of the fabric of this world and civilisation. watching it all from a window. that'll lead me to questions like why i am i here, leading to a probable, and painful, full-on existential crisis. when its my parents' time, when they grow old and die, and if i'm left all alone, i dont think i'd want to live anymore. i'm praying to find something. of course, i know i have to DO something, but my mind draws a blank. i cant ignore what my body is telling me anymore. but then, i step outside the house, and i dont know what to do, socially. when i approach someone, i get anxiety attacks. in my town, people are aggressive - its also possible if i approach a woman here i might end up getting assaulted, shouted at or shamed. sometimes theres no place to really go as i live in a small town. and as you get older, its harder to make friends, as people already have their established circles. i even remember my ex-manager talking to colleagues about this when we had a drink once and she asked 'how do you meet people' even though shes in her 50s and has established family and friends - indeed. how, for those who do not.
for coping, some people elsewhere suggested exercising. this is something i tend to do, but perhaps not enough of. i like to go on walks. theres a public park where i go and feed the ducks. seeing animals makes me happy. when the baby ducks swim to me wanting the kibble food it makes me feel wanted. i love animals. from dogs, cats and ducks - to even wild animals like the tigers i saw in india. i also did some hiking holidays, including going through some american national parks like yosemite, where i saw a family of bears at a distance. travelling is something i like to do too - in fact, i have more 'big' holidays coming up in usa again (alaska this summer), then australia, europe (croatia), the canadian rockies and maybe south america. i do these trips to get that out-of-body, 'blown away' feeling, of being thrilled, alive, and enjoying and experiencing life. it does help. but travelling is expensive. i'm not made of money.
all i want, is my own family..

I'm 43F. I've been dating this German guy (M43) for almost 2 years. We met online. We clicked from the very first moment and became exclusive very soon.
He's a super nerd. I whimsically define him a less obnoxious Sheldon Cooper. I like him a lot and throughout the time I have developed deep feelings for him. He's not good with words, but he's always been by my side when I needed him. Honestly, under many aspects he's the best partner I've had in years.
What bothers me is that he says he cannot say whether he loves me or not, he always says he likes me very much.
His friends basically ignore me. I try to be the better person and tell myself it's just a cultural difference (they're all German, I'm not), but deep inside myself I have the feeling they're just rude.
I made an effort and planned a trip to my Home Country so that he could meet my best friends and my family. To date, I still haven't met anyone from his family aside his brother (but only because he happened to be in town while on his way back home).
Me and my guy agreed that we won't get married (it's really not a must for me) nor live together (we both need our personal space and our flats aren't big enough for one of us to move in). I recently told him that although the big 2 (marriage/living together) are out of question, I'd like to have some perspective, because we're both mid 40. I told him I'd like to know he wants to get older with me. His answer was freaking rational as usual and it was like a slap in the face "I can't say it because I can't tell you something that for me is not true". I'm trying to see what's good in him, in us. But I'm feeling demotivated and sometimes sad.
Any thoughts, anyone? I really could use someone else's two cents.

Proof, Video and Photos - https://imgur.com/a/V6YirUE

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• I can also be available to tutor students for Fall 2021 Spring 2022 Summer 2022 semesters.

MY EDUCATIONAL SOFTWARE OF EXPERTISE:

• I am very knowledgeable and well-versed in a wide range of educational software to tutor students in including but not limited to: Acellus ALEKS APEX Learning Aplia Blackboard Brightspace Canvas Cengage CengageNow Connect ConnectMath Connexus CPM D2L Discord Edmentum Eviews Examity Excel Hawkes Learning Honorlock Khan Academy Knewton LimeSpring Lumen Maple MasteringChemistry MasteringPhysics MathXL (XL) MATLAB McGraw-Hill Microsoft Word Minitab Moodle MyAccountingLab MyEconLab MyITLab MyLab My Lab MyMathLab My Math Lab MyOpenMath MyPsychLab MySocLab MyStatLab My Stat Lab NCSS Open Source Software Pearson PERT PlatoWeb PowerPoint Prezi R Respondus Lockdown Browser with Webcam Sapling SPSS Stata StraighterLine Straighter Line WebAssign Web Assign Webex (Cisco) WebWork Wiley WileyPlus Wonderlic Zoom

SCHOOLS FROM WHICH I'VE HELPED STUDENTS IN :
As of 2021, I have tutored and helped students enrolled at the following U.S. universities community colleges county & city colleges schools for-profit institutions listed below in alphabetical order:

• A - C: American Public University System (APUS) Arizona State Ashford Brigham Young Brown Broward California State (Fullerton) Capella Chamberlain (Illinois) Colorado Technical Columbia Columbia Southern Cornell
• D - K: Dallas College Dartmouth DeVry Excelsior College Florida International Florida State Full Sail Georgia State Grand Canyon Harvard Houston Community College Ivy Tech Community College Kaplan Kennesaw State Kent State
• L - T: Liberty Lone Star College System Kaplan Miami Dade Michigan State CUNY State University of New York (SUNY) Northern Virginia Ohio State University of Phoenix (UOP) Penn State Princeton Purdue (Davenport) San Diego State San Francisco State San Jose State Southern New Hampshire Southern Nevada Stanford St. Petersburg Strayer Texas Tech
• UNIVERSITY OF: Alabama Arizona California (UC) Central Florida Chicago Cincinnati Florida Houston Illinois (Urbana-Champaign) Iowa Maryland Minnesota Michigan North Texas Pennsylvania Southern Florida Texas Toronto
• U - Z: UCLA Extension Utah State Utah Valley Valencia Walden U Wake Technical Western Governors Wilmington Yale

Paid Help from Hiraedu: If You're struggling to handle your Online Exams, Assignments or any other coursework, get help from Hiraedu and pay after the exam. Contact details for Hiraedu is: WhatsApp: +1 (213) 594-5657 OR Call: +1 727 456 9641
I OFFER FLEXIBLE PAYMENT PLANS:

• I offer several unique payment plans, including a weekly plan, a discounted monthly plan, a discounted half-now / half-later plan, and highly discounted up-front rates.
• I can accept the following payment methods for my services: PayPal Debit Cards Square Cash Credit Cards Cash App Venmo.
• Only people located in North America have access to Venmo Cash App Zelle.
• This is an excellent way to determine if the person you're dealing with is from the United States.
• Within reason, I offer a partial or full money-Back guarantee if the student is very unsatisfied with my academic services.

TUTORING AVAILABLE FOR OTHER SUBJECTS:

• For other subjects, you can reach out to me, and I can connect you with one of my tutoring partners who can provide general academic assistance for the following subjects:
• Art & Design: Art History Design Film Studies
• Business: Accounting (Acc) Biz Courses Business Administration (Biz Admn) Business Calculus Business Law Business Statistics Corporate Finance Economics (Econ) Finance (Fin) Financial Accounting Intermediate Accounting Intermediate Microeconomics (Micro) Macroeconomics (Macro) Management (Mgmt) Managerial Accounting Marketing MBA
• Computer Science: C C++ Computer Programming (Comp) Java Python R (Introduction & Intermediate Level Only)
• Humanities: Communications (Comm) English Literature Essay & Term Paper Writing, Editing, Proofreading Essays History Papers Philosophy (Phil) Religious Studies Theology (Theo)
• Mathematics: A.P. Calculus AB & BC Psychology Statistics AP Statistics Bio statistics Calculus I (1) Calculus II (2) Calculus III (3) College Algebra Differential Equations Discrete Math Finite Math Functions General Math Geometry Liberal Arts Math Linear Algebra Multi-variable Calculus Partial Differential Equations Precalculus Probability Quantitative Reasoning Real Analysis Statistics Trigonometry (Trig) Vector Calculus
• Science & Medicine: Anatomy & Physiology (A & P) Biochemistry Biology (Bio) Biostatistics Earth Science Environmental Science General Chemistry (Chem) Healthcare Medicine Nursing Nutrition Organic Chemistry Physics (Phys)
• Social Sciences: Anthropology Economics (Econ) Geology Law & Justice Liberal Arts Liberal Studies Political Science Psychology Sociology

THE OBLIGATORY "IS THIS A SCAM?" QUESTION:
Considering the fact that you found my contact information online, it’s understandable to be skeptical regarding the legitimacy of my services. Therefore, I’m willing to do all of the following to help you feel more secure in trusting me with your academic needs:

• 1) Speak with you on the phone and answer any questions you may have so that you have the opportunity to assess and analyze my tone, articulation, accent, diction, dialect, regionalisms, pitch, vocabulary, word choice, intonations, and inflections.
• NOTE: I’m a New Jersey-born Irish/Italian-American, but I have been told that I speak in an erudite & articulate suburban American accent with a “professor style” voice somewhat resembling the voice of actor: Ben Stein.
• 2) Agree to do some homework questions of yours upfront with the work fully shown in real-time to prove my mastery of the course content.
• 3) Send you screenshots of at least five past scores I attained from completing exams & homework assignments for other students in the same type of class you need help with.
• 4) Send you full screenshots of written exam solutions I wrote up by hand for students in the past in the same course that you need help with so that you can see my neat handwriting.
• 5) Provide you with the contact information of students who have utilized my services in the past who would be more than willing to vouch for my skills.

MY REBUTTAL TO THE OBLIGATORY “IS THIS A SCAM?” QUESTION:
At the risk of sounding arrogant, I consider myself to be at least marginally more intelligent (both academically & socially) than the average person. Therefore, if I ever decided to suddenly risk prison time, risk my reputation, and risk enduring the wrath of modern-day “cancel culture” by scamming people out of their money:

• I certainly wouldn’t do it for such paltry amounts of money. (i.e., anything less than $1,000 per victim.)
• I certainly wouldn’t choose high school & college students as my “target audience” to scam, considering that most people without college degrees have abysmally low annual incomes. Why choose low-income victims when it would be much more profitable to target high-income, high-net-worth individuals earning at least six figures a year? I have knowledge in business consulting, and I promise you that a business owner would be a MUCH more lucrative mark than a low-income college student.
• I wouldn’t choose such a time & energy-draining method of scamming people. Also, communicating back and forth with potential clients is an absurdly long time sink since only less than 10% of all potential clients who reach out to me actually become paying clients of mine. This means that 90% of my time communicating with potential clients ultimately proves to be a colossal waste of my irretrievable time & energy.
• If you pay me to provide academic services and I don’t deliver, you can always dispute the payment with the payment app and easily get your money refunded. If I were in the habit of swindling money from people, then all of my payment accounts would have been investigated and be completely shut down by now. And I would have been permanently banned from opening new accounts. Therefore, the fact that all my payment apps have been fully active for years should be sufficient proof that I haven’t had people consistently disputing payments sent to me.

HOW TO CONTACT ME:
Paid Help from Hiraedu: If You're struggling to handle your Online Exams, Assignments or any other coursework, get help from Hiraedu and pay after the exam. Contact details for Hiraedu is: WhatsApp: +1 (213) 594-5657 OR Call: +1 727 456 9641

• I take my work as a tutor very seriously, and I always aim to do my best to help my students excel in school. I have a solid and sincere passion for academic achievement, and with my help, I am positive that I can help students obtain very high grades with minimal stress and effort.
• Please feel free to contact me if you're interested in my services and would like to learn more. I'm available 24/7 via phone call, email, and text. Again, thank you for taking the time to read my Reddit tutoring ad, and I hope to hear from you soon!

My contact details:
WhatsApp: +1 (213) 594-5657
Call: +1 727 456 9641
Website: hiraedu. com
Email: [info@hiraedu](mailto:info@hiraedu). com
What are your Thoughts! Write in comments and ask for help if needed
Suggest more topic Ideas
Join this subreddit to help us grow!

If You're struggling to handle your Online Exams, Assignments or any other coursework, get help from Hiraedu and pay after the exam. Contact details for Hiraedu is: WhatsApp: +1 (213) 594-5657 OR Call: +1 727 456 9641
ASSESSMENTS I CAN COMPLETE:

• Online Courses (1 - 20 Weeks Long)
• Homework Assignments
• Exams Quizzes Tests
• Excel Projects
• Discussion Forum Posts
• Research Papers Term Papers Essays
• Employment Assessments

MY MATH SUBJECTS OF EXPERTISE:
I am very knowledgeable and proficient in assisting students in a wide range of mathematics classes. I can help students complete their homework assignments and other projects get an A on quizzes, tests, and exams (including proctored assessments) answer online discussion posts write essays & papers in MLA APA Chicago format and provide general overall academic help in each math course listed below:

• Advanced Placement Honors High School Level Math
• AP Calculus AB A.P. Calculus BC
• AP Statistics
• Biostatistics Bio-Statistics
• College Algebra Intermediate Algebra
• Business Calculus
• Business Statistics
• Business Math
• Calculus I Calculus II Calculus III (Calc)
• Geometry
• International Baccalaureate (IB) Maths
• Liberal Arts Math
• Logic & Reasoning
• Multivariable Calculus Multi variable Calculus
• Precalculus Pre-calculus
• Probability & Statistics
• Psychology Statistics Psych Stats
• Quantitative Reasoning Quantitative Methods Quantitative Literacy (Quant)
• Statistics (Stats)
• Statistics for Social Sciences
• Trigonometry (Trig)

STATISTICS HELP (MY BEST SUBJECT):

• I have a master's degree in Applied Statistics from a university in New Jersey, USA. As a result, I am very proficient in helping students with various types of Statistics courses including Biostatistics Business Statistics Elementary Statistics Probability & Statistics Psychology Statistics.
• I have extensive knowledge and skill with helping students get through various statistical concepts including all of the following in alphabetical order:
• ANOVA Bar Graph, Boxplot, Dot Plot, Histogram, Pie Chart Bias Binomial, Exponential, Poisson, Gamma, Uniform Distribution Central Limit Theorem Chi-Square Test Coefficient of Determination (R^2) Conditional & Relative Probability Confidence Interval Correlation Coefficient (r) Critical Region Critical Value Descriptive & Inferential Statistics Effect Size Expected Value Experiment vs Observation Goodness of Fit Test Hypothesis Testing Interpolation & Extrapolation Interquartile Range (IQR) Kurtosis Left, Negative, Right, Positive Skewed Distribution Logistic Regression Mean, Median, Mode, Midrange Multiple Regression Nominal, Ordinal, Interval, Ratio I Population Parameter Normal, Symmetric & Bell Shaped Distribution Null & Alternate Hypothesis One & Two Sample T-Test One & Two Sample Z-Test Ordinary Least Squares Outliers P-Value Pooled Variance (Equal Variances) Proportion R^2 Range Regression Regression Line Reject & Fail to Reject Ho Relative & Cumulative Frequency Distributions Relativity & Reliability Right, Left, One, Two Tailed Tailed Hypothesis Test Sample Statistics Sampling Methods (Convenience, Stratified, Simple, Cluster, Systematic) Significance Level (1%, 5%, 10%) Skewness Standard Deviation& Variance T-Score Test Statistic Time Series Type I & Type II Errors Unbiased Estimators Z-Score

ALGEBRA HELP:

• I am well-versed in helping students do well in Algebra 1 & 2 College Algebra Intermediate Algebra Pre-Algebra and I am very knowledgeable and proficient in the following algebra topics in alphabetical order:
• Absolute Values Circle Equation Domain Exponents Graphing Horizontal & Vertical Asymptotes Inequalities, Equations & Functions Inverse Functions Linear, Exponential, Logarithmic, Quadratic Equations Logarithms Maximum & Minimum Values of a Graph Number Lines One-to-One Functions Parallel & Perpendicular Lines Plotting Points & Ordered Pairs Point-Slope Form Polynomial Division Polynomials Radicals Range Rational & Irrational Expressions Rational Functions Real Roots Real Zeros Relations & Functions Slope Slope-Intercept Form Square Roots Standard Form of a Line System of Equations System of Inequalities Variables X and Y Intercepts

CALCULUS HELP:

• I am well-versed in helping students do well in Calculus I, II & III, Calculus 1, 2 & 3, Business Calculus, Multivariable Calculus, Vector Calculus and I am very knowledgeable and proficient in the following calculus topics in alphabetical order:
• Absolute & Local Maximum and Minimum Antiderivative Area & Volume Chain Rule Concavity Continuity Convergence Test Critical Points Curvature Curve of Rotation Curve Sketching Derivatives Divergence Test First & Second Derivative Test Fourier Series Implicit Differentiation Increasing / Decreasing Functions Infinite Series Integrals Integration by Parts Jacobian Matrix Limits L’Hopital’s Rule Maclaurin Series Mean Value Theorem Partial Derivative Product & Quotient Rule Reiman Sum Related Rates Simpson’s Rule Solid of Revolution Substitution Rule Taylor Series

Paid Help from Hiraedu: If You're struggling to handle your Online Exams, Assignments or any other coursework, get help from Hiraedu and pay after the exam. Contact details for Hiraedu is: WhatsApp: +1 (213) 594-5657 OR Call: +1 727 456 9641
ATTRIBUTES THAT SET ME APART FROM OTHER TUTORS:

• I firmly believe that I have many attributes and skills that set me apart from other tutors. Below is a list of qualities that makes me an ideal fit to help you master your coursework:

I CAN AID STUDENTS TAKING PROCTORED ASSESSMENTS:

• Proficient in CollegeBoard AP Calculus AB, AP Calculus BC & AP Statistics exams.
• Skilled with International Baccalaureate Math Exams: IB Maths HL & IB Maths SL
• Can intentionally answer a few problems incorrectly at the student's request.
• Can text solutions to the student while they are taking a proctored exam.
• Upon request, can purposely obtain grades below an A (ex: B+, B, C+, C-).
• I can stretch out the time to a plausible length for timed exams and assignments before submitting them.
• Have reliable software that can change my IP address to match the closest major city near the student.
• I have exceptional multiple-choice exam-taking skills. I have mastered the various techniques to make calculated guesses for the correct option in standardized exams such as the SAT & GRE.

I CAN VERIFY MY ACADEMIC KNOWLEDGE & SKILLS:

• I have no problem with requests to solve sample problems upfront to prove my knowledge & proficiency of the course concepts.
• I can provide glowing references & strong examples of work done for past clients to verify my academic skills.
• I can also provide, upon request, complete detailed calculations with explanations for solutions to the problems worked on.
• I am quite skilled and adept in using multiple modernized educational platforms and software, including but not limited to: Brightspace MyStatLab D2L WebAssign Canvas MyMathLab Blackboard ALEKS
• Can format term papers and discussion posts in APA MLA Harvard Chicago Vancouver OSCOLA IEEE format.

I HAVE PAID ACCESS TO OVER 15 STUDY-HELP WEBSITES AND MATHEMATICAL SOFTWARE:

• I have multiple paid subscriptions to a wide range of academic tutoring resources, including Chegg, Quizlet, CourseHero, Brainly, Grammarly, Study. com, Bartleby, Slader, Transtutors, Slideshare, StudocU, Turnitin, Academia, SymboLab, WolframAlpha, and Scribd to help guide to solve exam & homework questions that I may not immediately know.
• However, I am smart enough not to blatantly plagiarize solutions online but instead write them in my own unique words, formatting, & mathematical terminology.
• I have access to a very sophisticated graphing calculator and various mathematical software that provides step-by-step solutions to complex mathematical problems within seconds, allowing me to provide exact solutions to the student in a timely manner.
• I have impeccable handwriting and a high-quality mobile scanner app that allows me to scan written solutions in very legible high-definition JPG, PNG, or PDF formats.

MY AVAILABILITY & RELIABILITY:

• Depending on my availability, I can accommodate immediate tutoring requests, 1-24 hour, and 1-30-day deadlines.
• I can schedule live real-time online sessions and meet deadlines in an impressively timely fashion.
• I can provide quick notifications and updates of progress made in the student's class via email text phone calls.
• I can also be available to tutor students for Fall 2021 Spring 2022 Summer 2022 semesters.

MY EDUCATIONAL SOFTWARE OF EXPERTISE:

• I am very knowledgeable and well-versed in a wide range of educational software to tutor students in including but not limited to: Acellus ALEKS APEX Learning Aplia Blackboard Brightspace Canvas Cengage CengageNow Connect ConnectMath Connexus CPM D2L Discord Edmentum Eviews Examity Excel Hawkes Learning Honorlock Khan Academy Knewton LimeSpring Lumen Maple MasteringChemistry MasteringPhysics MathXL (XL) MATLAB McGraw-Hill Microsoft Word Minitab Moodle MyAccountingLab MyEconLab MyITLab MyLab My Lab MyMathLab My Math Lab MyOpenMath MyPsychLab MySocLab MyStatLab My Stat Lab NCSS Open Source Software Pearson PERT PlatoWeb PowerPoint Prezi R Respondus Lockdown Browser with Webcam Sapling SPSS Stata StraighterLine Straighter Line WebAssign Web Assign Webex (Cisco) WebWork Wiley WileyPlus Wonderlic Zoom

SCHOOLS FROM WHICH I'VE HELPED STUDENTS IN :
As of 2021, I have tutored and helped students enrolled at the following U.S. universities community colleges county & city colleges schools for-profit institutions listed below in alphabetical order:

• A - C: American Public University System (APUS) Arizona State Ashford Brigham Young Brown Broward California State (Fullerton) Capella Chamberlain (Illinois) Colorado Technical Columbia Columbia Southern Cornell
• D - K: Dallas College Dartmouth DeVry Excelsior College Florida International Florida State Full Sail Georgia State Grand Canyon Harvard Houston Community College Ivy Tech Community College Kaplan Kennesaw State Kent State
• L - T: Liberty Lone Star College System Kaplan Miami Dade Michigan State CUNY State University of New York (SUNY) Northern Virginia Ohio State University of Phoenix (UOP) Penn State Princeton Purdue (Davenport) San Diego State San Francisco State San Jose State Southern New Hampshire Southern Nevada Stanford St. Petersburg Strayer Texas Tech
• UNIVERSITY OF: Alabama Arizona California (UC) Central Florida Chicago Cincinnati Florida Houston Illinois (Urbana-Champaign) Iowa Maryland Minnesota Michigan North Texas Pennsylvania Southern Florida Texas Toronto
• U - Z: UCLA Extension Utah State Utah Valley Valencia Walden U Wake Technical Western Governors Wilmington Yale

Paid Help from Hiraedu: If You're struggling to handle your Online Exams, Assignments or any other coursework, get help from Hiraedu and pay after the exam. Contact details for Hiraedu is: WhatsApp: +1 (213) 594-5657 OR Call: +1 727 456 9641
I OFFER FLEXIBLE PAYMENT PLANS:

• I offer several unique payment plans, including a weekly plan, a discounted monthly plan, a discounted half-now / half-later plan, and highly discounted up-front rates.
• I can accept the following payment methods for my services: PayPal Debit Cards Square Cash Credit Cards Cash App Venmo.
• Only people located in North America have access to Venmo Cash App Zelle.
• This is an excellent way to determine if the person you're dealing with is from the United States.
• Within reason, I offer a partial or full money-Back guarantee if the student is very unsatisfied with my academic services.

TUTORING AVAILABLE FOR OTHER SUBJECTS:

• For other subjects, you can reach out to me, and I can connect you with one of my tutoring partners who can provide general academic assistance for the following subjects:
• Art & Design: Art History Design Film Studies
• Business: Accounting (Acc) Biz Courses Business Administration (Biz Admn) Business Calculus Business Law Business Statistics Corporate Finance Economics (Econ) Finance (Fin) Financial Accounting Intermediate Accounting Intermediate Microeconomics (Micro) Macroeconomics (Macro) Management (Mgmt) Managerial Accounting Marketing MBA
• Computer Science: C C++ Computer Programming (Comp) Java Python R (Introduction & Intermediate Level Only)
• Humanities: Communications (Comm) English Literature Essay & Term Paper Writing, Editing, Proofreading Essays History Papers Philosophy (Phil) Religious Studies Theology (Theo)
• Mathematics: A.P. Calculus AB & BC Psychology Statistics AP Statistics Bio statistics Calculus I (1) Calculus II (2) Calculus III (3) College Algebra Differential Equations Discrete Math Finite Math Functions General Math Geometry Liberal Arts Math Linear Algebra Multi-variable Calculus Partial Differential Equations Precalculus Probability Quantitative Reasoning Real Analysis Statistics Trigonometry (Trig) Vector Calculus
• Science & Medicine: Anatomy & Physiology (A & P) Biochemistry Biology (Bio) Biostatistics Earth Science Environmental Science General Chemistry (Chem) Healthcare Medicine Nursing Nutrition Organic Chemistry Physics (Phys)
• Social Sciences: Anthropology Economics (Econ) Geology Law & Justice Liberal Arts Liberal Studies Political Science Psychology Sociology

THE OBLIGATORY "IS THIS A SCAM?" QUESTION:
Considering the fact that you found my contact information online, it’s understandable to be skeptical regarding the legitimacy of my services. Therefore, I’m willing to do all of the following to help you feel more secure in trusting me with your academic needs:

• 1) Speak with you on the phone and answer any questions you may have so that you have the opportunity to assess and analyze my tone, articulation, accent, diction, dialect, regionalisms, pitch, vocabulary, word choice, intonations, and inflections.
• NOTE: I’m a New Jersey-born Irish/Italian-American, but I have been told that I speak in an erudite & articulate suburban American accent with a “professor style” voice somewhat resembling the voice of actor: Ben Stein.
• 2) Agree to do some homework questions of yours upfront with the work fully shown in real-time to prove my mastery of the course content.
• 3) Send you screenshots of at least five past scores I attained from completing exams & homework assignments for other students in the same type of class you need help with.
• 4) Send you full screenshots of written exam solutions I wrote up by hand for students in the past in the same course that you need help with so that you can see my neat handwriting.
• 5) Provide you with the contact information of students who have utilized my services in the past who would be more than willing to vouch for my skills.

MY REBUTTAL TO THE OBLIGATORY “IS THIS A SCAM?” QUESTION:
At the risk of sounding arrogant, I consider myself to be at least marginally more intelligent (both academically & socially) than the average person. Therefore, if I ever decided to suddenly risk prison time, risk my reputation, and risk enduring the wrath of modern-day “cancel culture” by scamming people out of their money:

• I certainly wouldn’t do it for such paltry amounts of money. (i.e., anything less than $1,000 per victim.)
• I certainly wouldn’t choose high school & college students as my “target audience” to scam, considering that most people without college degrees have abysmally low annual incomes. Why choose low-income victims when it would be much more profitable to target high-income, high-net-worth individuals earning at least six figures a year? I have knowledge in business consulting, and I promise you that a business owner would be a MUCH more lucrative mark than a low-income college student.
• I wouldn’t choose such a time & energy-draining method of scamming people. Also, communicating back and forth with potential clients is an absurdly long time sink since only less than 10% of all potential clients who reach out to me actually become paying clients of mine. This means that 90% of my time communicating with potential clients ultimately proves to be a colossal waste of my irretrievable time & energy.
• If you pay me to provide academic services and I don’t deliver, you can always dispute the payment with the payment app and easily get your money refunded. If I were in the habit of swindling money from people, then all of my payment accounts would have been investigated and be completely shut down by now. And I would have been permanently banned from opening new accounts. Therefore, the fact that all my payment apps have been fully active for years should be sufficient proof that I haven’t had people consistently disputing payments sent to me.

HOW TO CONTACT ME:
Paid Help from Hiraedu: If You're struggling to handle your Online Exams, Assignments or any other coursework, get help from Hiraedu and pay after the exam. Contact details for Hiraedu is: WhatsApp: +1 (213) 594-5657 OR Call: +1 727 456 9641

• I take my work as a tutor very seriously, and I always aim to do my best to help my students excel in school. I have a solid and sincere passion for academic achievement, and with my help, I am positive that I can help students obtain very high grades with minimal stress and effort.
• Please feel free to contact me if you're interested in my services and would like to learn more. I'm available 24/7 via phone call, email, and text. Again, thank you for taking the time to read my Reddit tutoring ad, and I hope to hear from you soon!

My contact details:
WhatsApp: +1 (213) 594-5657
Call: +1 727 456 9641
Website: hiraedu. com
Email: [info@hiraedu](mailto:info@hiraedu). com
What are your Thoughts! Write in comments and ask for help if needed
Suggest more topic Ideas
Join this subreddit to help us grow!

Some notes of mine...probably going to eventually put some of this into my book, which will cover The Enneagram as a whole plus insights I have from being a netizen for so long...
How to know if you have mistyped
The quick, functional version. Based on approximately 18 years (and running) of down-to-earth enneagram experience, which includes more hours than I can count reading about the types online and in literature, watching videos, including most canonical texts, some familiarity with all the popular sites, teachers, and groups, plus spending excessive time in small online communities exploring and discussing the types (e.g. “echo chambers” as I like to call them), including years spent on my own stuck in mistyping and/or analyzing the cultish dynamics that The Enneagram community attracts. If you can’t handle it or don’t understand it, that’s likely not my problem, but an issue arising from your own biases, limited experience, and struggling with the challenge of integrating what I have decided to share with you.
So, before you have a knee jerk reaction based on your own biases, please understand that this is good-faith information that has worked for me, my intentions are good and my experience is my own and it’s valid, so no petty retorting or pseudo-debating is going to change that. I put in the time and made the mistakes, so others won’t have to. This is intended to help people. I suspect there are others out there who have mistyped, but not for the reasons you may think. If the information doesn’t work for you, then set it aside. Suffice to say you’ll be confronted with plenty of that in your life anyway (but I’d try to take this seriously first, because I think it holds potential value for people other than myself).
I do need to warn you that some entry-level logical reasoning ability is needed to really understand what I’m going to share. If it doesn’t make sense to you or you disagree, there’s a pretty good chance that you haven’t understood it fully. Basic education might be needed to understand some of the more advanced logical concepts at work, such as the idea that any given Type X has many different manifestations, and our presumed ability to understand and recognize a type externally is impacted by how we filter our perceptions through our bias of how we believe that type will appear.
Some manifestations are going to align with and confirm our biases about the type, we’ll call these XB (B is for bias, so XB is our bias of how we think type X *should* appear, if we have a bias about that, which is subjective to the person making the call externally), but some won’t – some will align more obviously with our biases of another type altogether. i.e. X->XB, but also X->YB, X->ZB, etc.
This helps us to understand how the underlying Core Type can appear differently on the surface and our bias factors into all of it. E.g. if I come along and quickly say “well this guy here is clearly a Type 8,” and it’s based on the fact that to me he “looks like an 8”, we know there is at least some bias in play (because I don’t know him to truly be that type from the inside)…but I can still be correct, biases can be true sometimes -- assuming I am correct here, then in reality, this is because he’s a case of Type 8->8B. But to another person I might say “well this lady here self-types as 5 but doesn’t seem 5 to me, she seems type 9”. We have to take into account we could be looking at a true case of either 5->9B, or 9->9B. Assuming I’m wrong, then 5->9B would explain how my biases are leading me astray from the truth.
The Enneagram is an interdisciplinary system, it relies on both logical and mathematical elements, as well as spiritual and psychological ones. So not everyone is going to be able to use it effectively from the start. Advanced philosophical and logical knowledge and innovation can be useful in understanding it.
A few questions to consider:
1. Are you happy, healthy, etc? Relatively speaking.
Simple question. Accurately typing yourself should make your life better, and it should only get better over the long term as you understand your type more deeply and apply that self-knowledge to your life. Maybe there’s an initial shock point where you’re upset or coming to grips with your type, but eventually it should pay off as offering a helpful look into your own motivations and behaviors. It’s a kind of way to truly control your life from the driver’s seat, rather than being stuck in the passenger seat (with someone else at the wheel, god forbid).
If you’re just playing out the “shell-like”, superficial role of a non-core type, rather than getting to the core underneath (that’s one reason why we call It the “core” type), you’re going to neglect yourself on a deeper level. It will result in cognitive dissonance as well, causing imbalances in various places, since your core type is still having a strong impact, albeit in a less conscious way. Now if no type works for you and you feel you need to reject the whole system, that’s fine.
But if you’re going to use it, then at least make sure you’ve identified your dominant type properly, as evidenced by the self-knowledge and corollary benefits it offers. Even if every single person in the world says “you have your type wrong”, but you’re happy, sleeping well, healthy, kicking ass in your daily life, achieving your goals, dreams, etc., – then you can be pretty sure you’ve got your type right, period. The faceless masses can, unsurprisingly, be wrong about their views of us.
2. Did you arrive at the typing on your own, and can it stand up to others’ willful, unwavering contradictions, arguments, and denials?
If you were pressured into typing or retyping yourself a certain way or persuaded to stay with the same type even as you thought other types might be more accurate, you could easily have mistyped yourself. Now if you are being partially held in place by others’ validation of your type (especially those in an online community who don’t know you personally), then what you’re probably looking at is a kind of mind-control cult structure. I.e., you’re being subtlety brainwashed and manipulated via fixed ideas in exchange for feeling a sense of belonging and validation about your type within the community. You could easily have your type wrong in this case.
Of course, if you quickly buckle under peeexternal pressure when you naturally start to think of other types as possibilities when looking at your life and The Enneagram, you know there are some manipulation factors weighing on you and keeping you attached to a certain type that could easily be a mistype. In these cases, look not only at what people are getting you to do, but what not to do, which is potentially retyping yourself. It means they’re trying to keep you in alignment with their superficial ideas of you, keeping you constricted and in chains psychologically and spiritually (a slave to their egoic ideas).
If you had mistyped yourself, being open to retyping would be essential for advancing your own insight, and if you can’t even be open to that, then there’s no way you can be sure you haven’t mistyped. And it’ll be hard to break out of it if you feel like you need others’ validation, because all it takes is a few trusted, bad, or misguided influences to keep us locked into mistypes. Not everyone is going to validate our self-typing for us, even when it's accurate. Always there will be haters, hecklers, and trolls online. Our spiritual truth shouldn't be affected by those miserable people.
Don’t let others’ stereotypes, biases, gaslighting, irresponsibility, poor ethics, and bad faith influence you and get in the way of a happier life. Online interactions should come second to your real life, and if one of the only ways your type manifests is via online validation, that starts to shed serious doubt on the accuracy of your typing (especially if your core type and instinct is one of the more frequently gaslighted/gatekept in the broader online Enneagram culture).
3. Have you honestly considered every single type for yourself, across different resources and from different angles, over time?
If you haven’t done this, there’s no way you should be convinced you have your type right. Without that certainty, you’ll struggle to understand yourself and type yourself accurately. You need to understand the entire system anyway. There’s no way you can understand one type without knowing the rest of them. And obviously you need to really consider all the options deeply and rationally, consulting many different texts, in order to get a comprehensive picture. I’ve mistyped at least a couple times, and both were before I really allowed myself to open my mind about the types. I latched onto a description within the first year or two studying The Enneagram and clung to that without considering the alternatives, because I had identified with some aspects of the type but not the deeper fixation. While it’s possible to accurately type yourself from early on, also make sure you do your due dilligence and learn about all the types in full scope, and confirm that you have your type right as you do that.
4. Do you know the main online Enneagram cultural biases, stereotypes, and “rules of thumb” that amount to sophistry? So you can look out for them and set them aside?
These can be pretty quickly summarized, which tend to be some variation of beliefs that: everyone is mistyped by default, self-typed 8s are really Type 6s or sometimes 3s (they just can’t see it), many self-typed 5s and 4s are really 6s or 9s, people mistype as 8s because everyone wants to be “the strong one”, true 8s are extremely rare and even “unicorns” (the true-to-life presumption being that 8 is a superior type to be gatekept and treated like a club), people over-SX-type themselves and most people are actually SX-last, etc.
So when many people go to a popular “typing service” or “typing expert” and are all given the same or extremely similar typings, I find that suspicious and not a reliable way to type. If it works for you, do it, but most of us would disregard those suggestions anyway because they aren’t based on a sufficiently deep knowledge of us needed to move beyond merely projecting their own biases. We might be better off just guessing randomly at what our type is, given how these others’ biases keep them locked into certain patterns of identifying a type for us.
And all of these I mentioned are largely just “status quo” assumptions, they aren’t based on any actual research or hardcore data, they’re mediocre generalizations at best. They amount to echoes in the echo chamber that just get propagated because no one wants to question them. While it’s true that 369 are traditionally known as “primary, relating types”, somewhat more adaptive and chameleonic in their nature, and they’re overall (probably) somewhat more common than the “secondary types”; while it’s true that the sexual instinct is probably less common than the social and self-preservation instinct, of course depending on specific population; while it’s true that people do in fact mistype and there is some truth to these ideas and reasons behind how/why this occurs, nevertheless, these guidelines shouldn’t be exaggerated and applied in an unbridled way, according to our whims and agendas, and used to apply massive generalizations and stereotypes to anyone whose text/video/content we interact with online. This would amount to lazy thinking and turning off our brains, and facilitating even more toxic, robotic, programmed social dynamics – exactly what The Enneagram is trying to wake us up from.
5. Do you realize that your type can only be truly confirmed and known with certainty by you?
There may indeed be some of us, experts, amateurs, aficionados, etc., who are skilled at recognizing a person’s type based on limited data, but this amounts to mostly just an educated guess and should only be done with a low confidence interval (should not be accepted blindly without in-depth confirmation from the person). At the end of the day, it would take a direct, experiential knowledge of your childhood, from your own shoes, to really see and verify your type and its formation accurately. Because the dominant type is developed in childhood, it “belongs to us” in a privileged and specific way. Someone else coming along and seeing us as an older child or an adult and telling us which type we are based on their superficial experience of us filtered through their own biases and perspectives isn’t going to change who we are on a basic level.
We go through many stages in life and take on many different superficial appearances, some of which can serve to obscure our core type (especially in light of this conflating variable of the observer’s bias). Also keep in mind, although we have a core type, we have other types active in us as well. The Enneagram covers the full spectrum of human behavior, and one reason why secondary and auxiliary elements and dynamics like the lines of integration/disintegration, the wing, trifix, and instincts were developed was to express, identify, and map how some of the other types interact with our core type. With all of that in mind, it’s not farfetched to see how we can strongly identify with a type that isn’t our core, while still failing to develop to our fullest, Enneagramically-informed potential.
Good luck to you in your journey of typing yourself accurately and applying that knowledge to your life so that you can be happier and healthier.
Thanks for reading and good luck. Sorry I don’t have time to get to comments. You can see quite a bit of time is tied up in writing this stuff so I don’t have the time for all comments maintenance. I do appreciate you reading this and I hope it helps someone. I want to make sure the book is interesting, original, and covers unique truths I’ve learned personally rather than just echoing what others have said.

Let’s use vestigial structures as a specific example of the non-falsifiability of evolution. When it became clear, based on advancing medical science, that the roughly 180 anatomical structures that evolutionists had originally claimed were useless actually were useful, they resorted to a fall-back position, which is a classic post-hoc explanatory device. They now claim that these structures supposedly served some OTHER function in the past, but now they have another function. Crapo in 1985, for example, wrote: “This is precisely how a vestige should be defined: Not as a ‘functionless’ part of an organism, but as a part which does not function in the way that its structure would lead us to expected, given how that structure function in most other organisms.” Notice now Crapo’s analysis here also confirms how important attacking the belief in God as a wise, efficient, benevolent Creator is to evolutionists: “It is the existence of such vestiges in such organisms which evolutionary theory would very naturally predict, but which the belief in an efficient Designer would not lead us to expect a priori.” (Italics removed, Richly Crapo, “Are the vanishing teeth of fetal baleen whales useless?” 1985). This kind of fall-back position for “explaining” vestigial structures illustrates the non-falsifiable nature of evolution. When medical science confirms the a priori viewpoint of the creationist model, that all of these anatomical structures really are useful and God didn’t insert useless organs and structures into the human body, the evolutionists don’t admit that their paradigm is falsified. Instead, they simply retreat into other rationalizations to keep attacking God as a shoddy, careless, unwise engineer. Here once again the viewpoint of Cornelius Hunter’s book “Darwin’s God: Evolution and the Problem of Evil” is confirmed: Evolutionists are engaged in negative natural theology when they argue against a supernatural explanation of the natural world based upon its perceived structural flaws and moral evils. Indeed, they find it crucial and very important to supporting their paradigm to do this. Needless to say, this kind of reasoning is every bit as metaphysical as the theologian who argues that the wonders and complexity of the natural world proves God’s existence. Any claim that evolution, when it enters the world of change above the genus or family taxonomic levels, is more “empirical” than creationism, is simply false.
The example of supposedly “vestigial” organs is also a great example of how the theory of evolution slows down scientific development and research. If an anatomical structure is a priori judged to be “vestigial,” then scientists who are evolutionists aren’t likely to study it carefully for what it really does. For example, tonsils were often removed for decades from children since they were judged to be simply “useless vestiges.” Later on, oops!, it was found out that they actually do fight disease. They weren’t so useless after all. Basically all 180 organs and anatomical structures that were once listed as “useless vestiges” (in one way or another) have been found to have real functions. For instance, the “yolk sac” is used by a developing human embryo to make its first blood cells; death would result without it. The coccyx was claimed to be a remnant of our purported evolutionary ancestors having a tail, but it’s actually a crucial point for muscle attachment needed for our upright posture (and, well, for defecation). So to say this is about “prior functions” as opposed to current functions is a great example of how evolutionists attempt to escape falsification of their paradigm. They assume these “prior functions” really existed a priori, when that remains to be proven. There’s no way to test, predict, observe, reproduce the selective advantage of supposed intermediate structures for the survival of the species in question, which supposedly occurred long ago in the prehistorical past. This is yet another example of circular reasoning by evolutionists, in which they assume what still needs to be proven.
A great, focused book from a creationist viewpoint on this general subject of "vestigial" organs is Jerry Bergman, Ph.D., and George Howe, Ph.d., "'Vestigial Organs' Are Fully Functional," Creation Research Society, St. Joseph, MO, 1990.
Super erudite, extra scholarly addendum, for those interested in grinding the details:
In response to one evolutionist critic in the past, I decided to do some research on this subject in order to be able to reproduce evidence for my reference about when evolutionists said that there were around 180 vestigial organs. The key evolutionist book that originated this specific number on this subject is Robert Wiedersheim, "The Structure of man: an index to his past history," which was published in English in 1895 and translated by H. and M. Bernard (Macmillan, London), which is available online through Google books since it has an expired copyright. According to Jerry Bergman and George Howe, "'Vestigial Organs' Are Fully Functional," p. 5, he developed a detailed list of 86 vestigial organs and "about 100 so-called retrogressive organs." Here I've reproduced the list of the 86 vestigial organs. I suppose someone would have to do more research to get the list of 100 "retrogressive organs," which apparently come from the same book.
If a medical doctor is available to survey this list, would he or she say that these organs are useless? Wasn't Wiedersheim simply wrong? Do evolutionists ever admit to error in the arguments that they make for their theory? Or do they simply keep pushing the same nonsense, regardless of how many times it has been proven false?
Here is Wiedersheim's list of the human body's supposedly useless vestigial organs/anatomical structures: Os coccygis. Cauda humana.Superfluous embryonic notochord and associated somites.Embryonic cervical, lumbar, and sacral ribs.The thirteenth rib of the adult.The seventh cervical rib in the adult.The interarticular cartilage of the sterno-clavicular joint (probable vestige of the episternal apparatus).Ossa supra-sternalia.Certain centres of ossification in the manubrium sterni.The branchial clefts (for the most part) and branchial ridges.Processus styloideus ossis temporis, and the ligamentum stylo-hyoideum.Anterior cornua of the hyoid, for the greater part.Foramen caecum of the tongue.Processus gracilis of the malleus.Post-frontal bone (?)Ossa interparietalia (and ? prseinterparietalia).Processus paramastoideus of exoccipital.Torus occipitalis.Processus frontalis of the temporal.Processus coracoideus .Os centrale carpi.Processus supracondyloideus humeri.Trochanter tertius femoris.The phalanges of the fifth toe, and less conspicuously of the third and fourth toes.Muscles of the pinna and the Musculus occipitalis. LM. transversus nuchae. L. --Facial muscles transformed into tendinous expansions.Mm. plantaris and palmaris longus, when completely tendinous.M. ischio femoralis.The caudal muscles.M. epitrochleo-anconseus.M. latissimo-condyloideus.M. transversus thoracis (triangularis sterni).M. palmaris brevis.The transition bundles between the trapezius and the sterno- cleido-mastoideus.M. levator claviculae.M. rectus thoracis.M. ere master.The primitive hairy covering or lanugo.Vestiges of vibrissaeThe vertex coccygeus, the foveola and glabella coccygea.Certain vortices of hair on the breast.Nipples in men.Supernumerary mammary glands in women.Alleged vestiges of mammary pouchesSupernumerary olfactory ridges.Jacobson's organ, and ductus naso-palatinus.Papilla palatina and foliata.Plica semilunaris of the eye.Vasa hyaloidse (Cloquet's canal) of the embryo the choroidal fissure.Lachrymal glands, in part.The epicanthus.M. orbitalis.Certain varieties of the pinna of the ear, i.e. Darwin's tubercle.The filum terminale of the spinal cord.Glandula pinealis and parietal organ.The parieto-occipital fissure of the brain .The obex, ponticulus, ligula, taeniae medullares, and velum medullare anterius and posterius, of the brain.The hypophysis cerebri (pituitary body).The dorsal roots and ganglia of the hypoglossus nerve.The rami recurrentes of certain cranial nerves.Certain elements of the brachial and lumbo-sacral plexuses.The coccygeal nerve.The glandula coccygea.Palatal ridges.The sublingua.The formation of rudimentary dental papillae before the sinking of the dental ridge.The Wisdom teethThe occurrence of a third premolar (reversionary).The occurrence of a fourth molar (reversionary).The vestiges of a third dentition.The ciliated epithelium of the embryonic oesophagus.Bursa sub- and prehyoidea (ductus thyroglossus).Musculi broncho-oesophagei.The appendix vermiformis.Ventricle of the larynx (Morgagni's pouch).Lobus subpericardiacus of the lung (reversionary).Certain Valves of the veins.Certain structures of a vestigial nature in the heart.Arteria sacralis media.Arteria ischiadica.Superficial plantar arterial arch of the foot.The vena cava superior sinistra.Venae cardinales posteriores, and ductus Cuvieri.Vestiges (in the female) of the mesonephric system, and (in the male) of the Müllerian ducts.Conus inguinalis, and ligamentum inguinale.The area scroti.
See also pages 200-209 of Robert Weidman’s book, which he labels “Conspectus of Organs Mentioned in the Text” and “List of Organs According to Systems.”

Let’s use vestigial structures as a specific example of the non-falsifiability of evolution. When it became clear, based on advancing medical science, that the roughly 180 anatomical structures that evolutionists had originally claimed were useless actually were useful, they resorted to a fall-back position, which is a classic post-hoc explanatory device. They now claim that these structures supposedly served some OTHER function in the past, but now they have another function. Crapo in 1985, for example, wrote: “This is precisely how a vestige should be defined: Not as a ‘functionless’ part of an organism, but as a part which does not function in the way that its structure would lead us to expected, given how that structure function in most other organisms.” Notice now Crapo’s analysis here also confirms how important attacking the belief in God as a wise, efficient, benevolent Creator is to evolutionists: “It is the existence of such vestiges in such organisms which evolutionary theory would very naturally predict, but which the belief in an efficient Designer would not lead us to expect a priori.” (Italics removed, Richly Crapo, “Are the vanishing teeth of fetal baleen whales useless?” 1985). This kind of fall-back position for “explaining” vestigial structures illustrates the non-falsifiable nature of evolution. When medical science confirms the a priori viewpoint of the creationist model, that all of these anatomical structures really are useful and God didn’t insert useless organs and structures into the human body, the evolutionists don’t admit that their paradigm is falsified. Instead, they simply retreat into other rationalizations to keep attacking God as a shoddy, careless, unwise engineer. Here once again the viewpoint of Cornelius Hunter’s book “Darwin’s God: Evolution and the Problem of Evil” is confirmed: Evolutionists are engaged in negative natural theology when they argue against a supernatural explanation of the natural world based upon its perceived structural flaws and moral evils. Indeed, they find it crucial and very important to supporting their paradigm to do this. Needless to say, this kind of reasoning is every bit as metaphysical as the theologian who argues that the wonders and complexity of the natural world proves God’s existence. Any claim that evolution, when it enters the world of change above the genus or family taxonomic levels, is more “empirical” than creationism, is simply false.
The example of supposedly “vestigial” organs is also a great example of how the theory of evolution slows down scientific development and research. If an anatomical structure is a priori judged to be “vestigial,” then scientists who are evolutionists aren’t likely to study it carefully for what it really does. For example, tonsils were often removed for decades from children since they were judged to be simply “useless vestiges.” Later on, oops!, it was found out that they actually do fight disease. They weren’t so useless after all. Basically all 180 organs and anatomical structures that were once listed as “useless vestiges” (in one way or another) have been found to have real functions. For instance, the “yolk sac” is used by a developing human embryo to make its first blood cells; death would result without it. The coccyx was claimed to be a remnant of our purported evolutionary ancestors having a tail, but it’s actually a crucial point for muscle attachment needed for our upright posture (and, well, for defecation). So to say this is about “prior functions” as opposed to current functions is a great example of how evolutionists attempt to escape falsification of their paradigm. They assume these “prior functions” really existed a priori, when that remains to be proven. There’s no way to test, predict, observe, reproduce the selective advantage of supposed intermediate structures for the survival of the species in question, which supposedly occurred long ago in the prehistorical past. This is yet another example of circular reasoning by evolutionists, in which they assume what still needs to be proven.
A great, focused book from a creationist viewpoint on this general subject of "vestigial" organs is Jerry Bergman, Ph.D., and George Howe, Ph.d., "'Vestigial Organs' Are Fully Functional," Creation Research Society, St. Joseph, MO, 1990.
Super erudite, extra scholarly addendum, for those interested in grinding the details:
In response to one evolutionist critic in the past, I decided to do some research on this subject in order to be able to reproduce evidence for my reference about when evolutionists said that there were around 180 vestigial organs. The key evolutionist book that originated this specific number on this subject is Robert Wiedersheim, "The Structure of man: an index to his past history," which was published in English in 1895 and translated by H. and M. Bernard (Macmillan, London), which is available online through Google books since it has an expired copyright. According to Jerry Bergman and George Howe, "'Vestigial Organs' Are Fully Functional," p. 5, he developed a detailed list of 86 vestigial organs and "about 100 so-called retrogressive organs." Here's the list of the 86 vestigial organs. I suppose someone would have to do more research to get the list of 100 "retrogressive organs," which apparently come from the same book.If a medical doctor is available to survey this list, would he or she say that these organs are useless? Wasn't Wiedersheim simply wrong? Do evolutionists ever admit to error in the arguments that they make for their theory? Or do they simply keep pushing the same nonsense, regardless of how many times it has been proven false?
Here is Wiedersheim's list of the human body's supposedly useless vestigial organs/anatomical structures: Os coccygis. Cauda humana.Superfluous embryonic notochord and associated somites.Embryonic cervical, lumbar, and sacral ribs.The thirteenth rib of the adult.The seventh cervical rib in the adult.The interarticular cartilage of the sterno-clavicular joint (probable vestige of the episternal apparatus).Ossa supra-sternalia.Certain centres of ossification in the manubrium sterni.The branchial clefts (for the most part) and branchial ridges.Processus styloideus ossis temporis, and the ligamentum stylo-hyoideum.Anterior cornua of the hyoid, for the greater part.Foramen caecum of the tongue.Processus gracilis of the malleus.Post-frontal bone (?)Ossa interparietalia (and ? prseinterparietalia).Processus paramastoideus of exoccipital.Torus occipitalis.Processus frontalis of the temporal.Processus coracoideus .Os centrale carpi.Processus supracondyloideus humeri.Trochanter tertius femoris.The phalanges of the fifth toe, and less conspicuously of the third and fourth toes.Muscles of the pinna and the Musculus occipitalis. LM. transversus nuchae. L. --Facial muscles transformed into tendinous expansions.Mm. plantaris and palmaris longus, when completely tendinous.M. ischio femoralis.The caudal muscles.M. epitrochleo-anconseus.M. latissimo-condyloideus.M. transversus thoracis (triangularis sterni).M. palmaris brevis.The transition bundles between the trapezius and the sterno- cleido-mastoideus.M. levator claviculae.M. rectus thoracis.M. ere master.The primitive hairy covering or lanugo.Vestiges of vibrissaeThe vertex coccygeus, the foveola and glabella coccygea.Certain vortices of hair on the breast.Nipples in men.Supernumerary mammary glands in women.Alleged vestiges of mammary pouchesSupernumerary olfactory ridges.Jacobson's organ, and ductus naso-palatinus.Papilla palatina and foliata.Plica semilunaris of the eye.Vasa hyaloidse (Cloquet's canal) of the embryo the choroidal fissure.Lachrymal glands, in part.The epicanthus.M. orbitalis.Certain varieties of the pinna of the ear, i.e. Darwin's tubercle.The filum terminale of the spinal cord.Glandula pinealis and parietal organ.The parieto-occipital fissure of the brain .The obex, ponticulus, ligula, taeniae medullares, and velum medullare anterius and posterius, of the brain.The hypophysis cerebri (pituitary body).The dorsal roots and ganglia of the hypoglossus nerve.The rami recurrentes of certain cranial nerves.Certain elements of the brachial and lumbo-sacral plexuses.The coccygeal nerve.The glandula coccygea.Palatal ridges.The sublingua.The formation of rudimentary dental papillae before the sinking of the dental ridge.The Wisdom teethThe occurrence of a third premolar (reversionary).The occurrence of a fourth molar (reversionary).The vestiges of a third dentition.The ciliated epithelium of the embryonic oesophagus.Bursa sub- and prehyoidea (ductus thyroglossus).Musculi broncho-oesophagei.The appendix vermiformis.Ventricle of the larynx (Morgagni's pouch).Lobus subpericardiacus of the lung (reversionary).Certain Valves of the veins.Certain structures of a vestigial nature in the heart.Arteria sacralis media.Arteria ischiadica.Superficial plantar arterial arch of the foot.The vena cava superior sinistra.Venae cardinales posteriores, and ductus Cuvieri.Vestiges (in the female) of the mesonephric system, and (in the male) of the Müllerian ducts.Conus inguinalis, and ligamentum inguinale.The area scroti.
See also pages 200-209 of Robert Weidman’s book, which he labels “Conspectus of Organs Mentioned in the Text” and “List of Organs According to Systems.”

The Backrooms Journal of Simon Kessler

Date: Day 1
I thought the Backrooms were just some online myth. Turns out, they’re very real. Now I’m stuck in this godforsaken place I’ve named “Deviltown.” The air here is thick and oppressive, the sky a creepy shade of red. Buildings are twisted and the streets loop in on themselves. I’m screwed.
Date: Day 2
Spent the day wandering this hellhole. The buildings are all empty and dead silent. Some look ancient and ready to collapse, others are modern but trashed. I tried marking my path, but the marks vanish the moment I turn away.
Found a fountain today, but the water was black sludge. There’s no life here. No birds, no insects, nothing. Just shadows flickering in the corners of my vision. This place is giving me paranoia messing with my head.
Date: Day 4
Haven’t slept for days. When I do, I get nightmares. But staying awake is worse. The shadows seem to move, and I hear whispers I can’t make out. Feels like the town is alive, watching me, waiting for me to crack.
Found what looked like a store today. Shelves were stocked with empty cans, broken bottles, and rotting food. The cash register was rusted shut. Everything smelled like decay.
Date: Day 7
Losing hope. Time is all messed up here. Feels like months, but it’s only been a week. My supplies are running out. Rationing what little I have left, but it won’t last.
Found a journal in an old house today. The writer had gone mad, scribbling nonsense. The last entry read, “Don’t trust your eyes.” Creepy as hell.
Date: Day 10
Saw a figure in the distance. Looked human, but when I shouted, it vanished. Was it real or just another mind trick from this place? I can’t tell anymore.
Date: Day 12
Can’t take this much longer. Losing my God damn mind. The whispers are louder, the shadows more aggressive. Saw my reflection in a broken mirror today. It wasn’t me. It smiled when I didn’t.
Date: Day 15
I’m done running. There’s no way out of Deviltown. It’s a fucking never-ending nightmare. If anyone finds this journal, know I tried. Know I fought like hell. But this place… it’s not meant to be escaped. It’s a prison for the lost, a hell for the damned.
Final Entry
Don’t know what day it is. Time’s meaningless here. The whispers are telling me to give in, to join them. Maybe I will. Maybe that’s the only way out. If you’re reading this, turn back now. Don’t let Deviltown take you too.

Why do people semi-frequently mention Malcolm Gladwell here, as if he isn't prime suspect number one when it comes to using the narrative fallacy? Do people here not read Taleb?
I recently read his book Outliers, and while I thought it was nicely written, I realized that he was creating nothing more than a story. In a way, his work is little more than pure fiction.
For example, he tries to rationally explain why Bill Gates became Bill Gates; why people in the South are supposedly angry assholes all the time; how lawyers became lawyers; why some pilots are shy; why some Chinese people are good at math (just grow rice, bro) - and I think all of those - among other stories - are a prime example of the narrative fallacy.
I think his writing is very comfortable to read and that could be a reason why people don't notice his narrative fallacy
Didn't Nassim criticize Michael Lewis? Well, this is what good old Malcolm had to say about the very same Michael Lewis:

My great hero as a writer is Michael Lewis. I just think Michael Lewis, believe it or not, is the most underrated writer of my generation. I think he is the one who will be read 50 years from now. And I think what he does is so extraordinary, from a kind of degree of difficulty standpoint. The Big Short is a gripping book, fascinating, utterly gripping book about derivatives. It blows me away how insanely hard that book was to do, and it’s brilliant. The Blind Side, I think, it might be the most perfect book I’ve read in 25 years. I don’t think there’s a single word in that that I would change. I just think it has everything. But he uses no science, right? Very little. It’s all story. But he does more work in his stories, makes much more profound points than I do by dragging in all these sociologists and psychologists. He’s proved to me that, if you can tell a story properly, you don’t need this kind of scaffolding. You can just tell the story. And so, I’ve been trying, not entirely successfully, but trying to move in that direction over the last couple books.

Now, I haven't read any of his other works, but between my experience reading Outliers and some of his stuff online and this transcript... Well, I don't think it's any hard science

Hey all, I'm an Italian guy looking for some advice. I basically got to 23 without having a social life. While I did have a very good friend from about 11-16 we fell apart and I've been completely alone ever since. I've only had gaming buddies and friends online, but I nearly completely missed out on having a social life. I changed schools a bunch of times, even dropped out and eventually went back. Never been anywhere, never did anything with friends, never had real relationships.
I'll be leaving for the military soon so I'm hoping that the situation will change, and I know that I should be looking ahead because the past is the past and it's already gone. At the same time I can't stop feeling crushed every day by feeling like I missed out on the most important things during one of the most important parts of life. I constantly have this feeling that I'm so late compared to everyone else, and I didn't accomplish anything. And again, rationally I know that comparison is bad, but I can't shake it off. I look at people and wonder how many more things they did than me, how many relationships they had while I did nothing. It's a feeling that follows me everywhere every single day, no matter what I do.
I guess I'm afraid that regardless of what I accomplish now in life, the feeling of having "missed out" will follow me forever.
If you've had a similar experience, how did you deal with it? Is it possible to get over it? Thank you! :)

I Accepted a Job to Film on the Dark Web
Man, I am pumped to tell you chronically online content addicts my story. Wait is that too mean of an intro? Will this get taken down for harassment since I painted too accurate a picture of the people on this site? Sorry, everyone, I’m sure you all smell like an expensive bakery and have touched grass this morning. Anyway, I promise I have something interesting. It even involves the dark web you uncreative writers cream yourselves over! I mean, totally real people speaking about their strangely similar experiences. Okay, fine I’ll stop bullying you through the screen before you click off.
This all started when I was seven years old and my parents were killed in front of me in an anti-indigenous hate crime, but let's be real you don’t care. I’m just some annoying Cherokee kid with dead parents so I’ll skip to the good parts. I spent years in an orphanage, gradually becoming more interested in death and violence. As bad as it is, I went out of my way to expose myself to that content in the hopes of desensitizing myself. Which ended up working too well, since now I’m obsessed with causing and viewing pain, though I don’t find any joy in hurting myself.
I got adopted at twelve and after a few months of staying at my new family’s home on the reservation, I went with them to a state sweatier than the average Reddit user, California. Long story short, both of my caretakers, whom I referred to as Uncle and Auntie because they could never be my parents, died. Leaving me in the care of their older son, who I call cousin. I’m not stupid enough to give up any real names, so I’ll call him Brick, cause he’s as dumb as one. He was in his early 20s when he was tasked with taking care of me and is the world’s worst excuse for a babysitter.
I’m almost always alone at the apartment, with him only coming by to drop off supplies and stay for a few hours so the neighbors don’t get too worried. Unless I get in trouble at school, then he’d suddenly give a shit. It's useful because he doesn't about the gory stuff I look at, but some display of interest would be nice. Oh well, ninety percent of the population sucks so he’s just part of the majority. Now, with that said, you’ll be able to understand the perfect storm that led me here. During my time on the deep web, I found a particular website that caught my eye. They had new footage relatively consistently and they were the easiest for me to access since I didn't go too far into the dark web, especially with all the honey pots lying around.
I even bought a couple of files for myself to study and admire. One thing irritated me though, the cameraman. He was always sobbing, breathing, shaking, or some combination of those. It seriously killed the vibe of the killings. Something I commented on under many videos, often saying I would do a better job filming. A choice that in hindsight was me asking to end up in one of those recordings. I didn't think anything of it at the time. I was mostly the only one who commented but I was sure they wouldn't care. I was embarrassingly wrong.
I was staying up like usual, but it was past one AM on a school night, and back then that was a lot so I tried to sleep. Closing my eyes, tossing and turning, the works. I had just started drifting off when I heard the front door open. I remained calm but immediately found it weird since Brick never showed up this late. The thuds of the individual's feet grew louder as they got closer to my bedroom. I tried to convince myself it wasn't a stranger, especially since they got in with ease, but I knew that was wishful thinking.
They hummed as they opened my door. My dumbass had left it unlocked. I remained on my side, trying to look like I was asleep. They turned on the flashlight of their phone, shining it in my face. It was hard but I stayed still while they traced it over my features. I could tell they were smiling as they clicked their tongue.
“Heh, I knew it was a brat,” they whispered to themselves, pulling tangles out of my hair. Something I struggled not to groan from. They pulled up the hair over my ear and got so close spit got on my ear lobe.
“I know you’re awake kid,” they murmured, putting a blade to my neck. I let them grab my shoulder and move me onto my back, I knew how to fight but I wasn't about to take that big a risk with the position they had me in.
“You think you’re so cool saying you can do better than our guy.” they snickered, kneeling, their flashlight still shining in my face.
“Do you seriously believe that?” they questioned, moving the light away.
“Yeah, I do.” I stood my ground, they might have been intimidating but I wasn't gonna let that stop me from being honest.
“I wouldn't sound like I’m gonna piss myself every time it gets gory. I’m confident I could get better footage too, getting up close is something I’ve fantasized about.”
They clicked their tongue again and ran their finger over the bridge of my nose.
”Well, I know you’re a big fan of what we do, and you’re confidence makes me think you got something to back those claims up, so how’d you like a deal?”
I was surprised by how civil they were being aside from the touching and weapon against my throat.
“What kind of deal?” I asked, for all I knew this guy wanted me to lick their feet or some weird shit like that. They placed a finger underneath my eye, tracing a half moon with their nail.
“You have till this Friday to film a video of you killing an animal and put it on a flash drive that I’ll pick up here. If it impresses me and the crew we’ll hire ya with a handsome salary.” They began, moving their hand down to my cheek.
“But if you don't show, or it doesn't meet our standards, then I’m fucking up one of the parts of your face.” They warned, pinching my skin harshly.
“And if I say no to this deal?”
They put their hand over my mouth, scratching my lips.
“That’s cute, if you say no I’ll just slit your throat.” they grinned.
“Or rip it open with my teeth if you got a preference,” they smirked, before running their tongue across their sharp teeth.
“Okay, since I have no choice I’ll go with it, but I’m telling you now I can give you something way better than what you likely expect of me.” I prefaced, looking into their sunken eyes. They scratched my scalp, including the side of my head that was shaved.
“Good choice, I’ll be back to pick it up and if you're not here I’ll assume you don’t have the video. I genuinely wish you luck, because you’ll need it.” they removed the blade from my neck and walked away. I sat still for a few minutes in the dark, processing what had happened and wondering how they got into my apartment with such ease. I was confident I could blow their sniveling excuse of a cameraman out of the water, but I was worried about the people I was getting caught up with.
Sure, I had been on a lot of gore sites over the years but I was always just watching and occasionally commenting. Compared to most in the scene I wasn't much of a threat. I could defend myself and have contemplated killing for years but I hadn't murdered anyone or worse. Plus, I am part of way too many targeted groups to not be constantly at risk. Teenage, fem-leaning, two-spirit, indigenous kid with trauma? Yeah, I might as well be walking sign screaming “Hate crime me”.
So yeah, there was a lot to worry about. Regardless, I couldn't let that fear hold me back. I had a job to do and a group of sickos to appease. The next morning was rough, I got no sleep cause I’d spent all night brainstorming. I barely mustered the energy to change and drank straight mouthwash instead of brushing my teeth. Slogging onto the bus with drool on my cheek, I went to the back like usual. No one sat there cause, the seats were extra worn down, and I scared off anyone who attempted to with my active, rabies-infected bitch face. That day was different though.
I blanked on his name and where I knew him from, but I recognized his wavy hair and prominent curved nose. He glanced at each seat on the bus, before somehow settling on my area. He tried to give me space but ultimately seated himself beside me after realizing it was the only spot that didn't look like it would give him cancer. I glared at him as I did with everyone, but it didn't phase him.
“You know you could pick anywhere else right?” I murmured. He stared at the floor, then at me.
“I’m aware, but a few months ago I started a mission to sit on every part of this bus, and this is the last place.” he smiled, his lips softly curving at the sides.
“What’s the point of that?”
His mouth moved into a more neutral position, but his eyes kept smiling.
“I just thought it would be neat to see the same place from a bunch of different perspectives.” he took out his phone and snapped a photo from the point of view where he was sitting. Maybe my sleepiness made my bitch face less effective, cause he hadn't shown a hint of fear, which kind of annoyed me.
“That’s cool I guess, but I wouldn't do that if I were you. I’ve done some back here alone that would make your skin crawl.” in hindsight my attempt at unnerving him just made me sound like a pervert, which is probably why he held back laughter. Trying to hide a chuckle by clearing his throat.
“Hey, it's not my business what you do, no matter how Haram it is. It’s your life so that’s between you and whatever you believe in. Just don’t shake hands with me.” he joked, playfully putting his hands up. Strangely, I remembered his name at that moment.
“Oh shit, you’re Abdul! We have art together.” I sat up, haphazardly slamming my hand down on my leg.
“Uh yeah, I’ve seen some of your paintings, they’re pretty cool. I like the way you texture them, I’m trying to work on that.” he complimented, seeming more weirded out by my sudden energy than my accidental insinuation. I felt a little stupid for yelling his name but decided not to dwell on it.
“Thanks, you’re stuff is nice, and you’re good at shading.”
He stretched his arms while thanking me. We talked for a few more minutes, taking jabs at each other throughout. Turns out he was better at being an asshole than his artsy charismatic appearance made me think. The thing setting our insults apart being that you could tell he was a loving person underneath. It was the nicest conversation I had with anyone in a while. Though he could tell I was tired so he quieted down, letting me sleep, waking me when we got to school. We went our separate ways until the last two periods we shared. All that time, I spent my remaining energy plotting how I was going to handle the video. What I’d kill, record with, and how to dispose of the evidence. It was a lot to consider, but through three classes I devised a plan.
I’d find a stray around my apartment complex and take it out in my room. Record it on a portable camera since I broke the ones on my phone, no, I will not be answering how that happened. Then once I had my footage I’d put the body in a trash bag, throw it in the complex’s garbage, and clean the blood off my floor. It didn't seem like Brick would come by so he wasn't a factor I thought I’d have to consider. The plan was almost too easy, but I decided to believe in Occam’s razor. I got so lost in thought that by the time I reached Art, which was my second-to-last period, I didn't process that we were moving seats.
“She called your name,” Abdul reminded me. Our teacher placed us next to each other at our four-person table. The two girls sitting with us were already friends, so I didn't bother to say anything, but I was interested in talking to him more.
“So, what do you think of this assignment?” He shrugged, taking out his sketchbook.
“I’m not that good at drawing people, but the idea of combining two people’s faces into a portrait seems interesting. Any ideas on who you’ll pick?”
“Probably the members of the music duo Brain Tumor, they’re my favorite artists and they both look weird as hell.”
“Wow way to talk about your favorites, if that’s what you say about them I can‘t imagine what you have to say about me.” he joked, pulling up reference pictures.
“First, it’s not an insult, second I don’t have anything to say about you. Brain and Tumor have features and styles that make them stand out. Sure they’re ugly, but it just adds to their visual charm. Hot people are boring, there’s nothing to pick at.” I explained, unzipping my bag.
“Oh, so you’re saying you think I’m hot.”
His comment wasn’t serious but it kind of got to me.
“Shit, that’s not what I meant, I was trying to say you’re boring. All hot people are boring, but not all boring people are hot, okay?” I explained, flipping to a clean page.
“Alright, but if I’m so bland then why talk to me?”
I hesitated, contemplating how much of a dick I was gonna be.
“Because it means you probably need some spice in your life, which I can provide.”
He began sketching a head on his paper.
“I like spices, but I feel like you’re the kind of person to dump a cabinet’s worth onto me.”
I flicked my pencil over to his side of the desk, putting on a mocking grin.
“Aww, you scared I’m gonna get you into trouble?”
He picked up the pencil and started using it, putting his on my side.
“No, ‘cause I’m good at setting boundaries. I’m more concerned that you’ll get annoyed with how unafraid of you I am.”
I stared at him for a moment, I hadn't expected to hear that.
“Jeez, man you didn't have to read me like that.”
He shrugged, observing the red paint from past projects that lay on my pencil.
“It's not hard to figure out, just this morning you were trying to push me away on the bus. Lucky, or unlucky, for you I want you to have a friend and you seem like a fun person.”
“Wait are you saying I have no friends?” I squinted at him.
“Well, do you?”
I didn't answer.
“If your response is silence I suggest you take up my offer.”
I was stunned, to be honest. No one had offered to be my friend since 6th grade, and that didn't last long. Of course, I accepted it, but for the rest of the period, there was an awkwardness in my mind. As pathetic as it sounds I wasn't used to others genuinely enjoying my company like he did. Which was partly by design cause I get joy out of scaring people away, but still. I forgot how it felt to have conversations about normal things like art. He had such a nice smile too, usually when I see a grin I want to slap it off, but I liked his. His voice was also nice, it’s hard to describe what in particular but it was easy on the ears.
Okay, I’m starting to get off-topic. I’ll skip to the important part. Toward the end of class, he started talking about how he was interested in filmmaking and got a portable video camera as a gift at last year’s Eid. He didn't have it on him, but he showed me a picture.
“Heh, that’s funny, I bought the same one a month ago.” I pointed out.
“Yeah, it's a popular model, I’m still getting the hang of it though cause I’m so used to using my phone.”
“Well, maybe I could bring you over to my place or vice versa after school and I can help you out.” I suggested.
He smiled, putting his phone back in his pocket.
“I thought you said you’ve only had it for a month? You know I can always look up tutorials from trained professionals.” he reminded me with a notable smugness that I'd used with him before.
“Well those guys are stuffy and I’m a fast learner.”
He redirected his attention back to his page, picking his pencil up.
“Alright, I suggest we go somewhere public instead. You’re not exactly the kind of person I want to bring home to my parents right away. Plus they always need to meet my friends and their guardians before I hang out at their home.”
I gave an exaggerated sigh, stretching my back.
“Aw man, looks like we can’t get high in my murder pit during our first hangout.”
He didn't respond for a solid few seconds.
“Wait, you do know I'm joking right?”
He shrugged, the smile in his eyes appearing again.
“I mean, one of those things is a little less believable than the other.” he snickered, and I laughed with him.
We set up a time and a date, which is where I screwed myself. He ended up being busy with projects from his other classes and family which just left us with Friday, the same day I had to submit the video. Now, did I tell him I wouldn't be able to make it? No, of course not, because I decided to be stupid and even more overconfident. I said that I’d one hundred percent be able to hang out with him after school like I didn't have a mutilator who was going to drop by my place at an unknown time.
The rest of the day went over fine but that bad timing led me to feel like a dick later. When I got home I was able to write out my plan, even sketching a few specifics of what I’d do. It was more exciting than when I’d been brainstorming, but this is when the gravity of the situation began to set in. When I said I’d fantasized about killings I meant it. I mean my teddy with twenty-five stab wounds should say enough. Regardless this would be the first time real blood was on my hands.
It made me feel powerful, but a little afraid. I’ve heard stories of people thinking that it would be an awesome experience and then feeling like shit. I doubted I’d be one of those people but still. Plus, I didn't exactly trust the guy who gave me this job. There was a good chance that this whole situation was rigged and they’d kill me no matter how good the video was. Or worse turn me into the feds and expose my collection. Honestly, if that happened I’d probably eat a shot to avoid going to jail. Wait, can I say that on this platform? Okay to the mods, that was a joke, I want to live a long life. Ugh, I’m doing a terrible job of staying on track. The point is there was a lot up in the air despite it being a matter of life or death.
I knew I’d go through with it but it was still a lot less straightforward than it initially seemed. I wracked my brain to remember where most of the cats stayed and tried to come up with a good way to lure one without raising suspicion. This also proved harder than first thought because I didn't think to account for the cat man, an old guy who lived alone and fed all the cats in our dingy complex while also housing a few. Knowing how obsessive he was he’d probably notice if one of them disappeared. Then again not all the cats return consistently or at all. It makes more sense that he’d think one of them was run over rather than slaughtered. It was getting late again so I rested my head for a moment, a bad move cause I ended up falling asleep at my desk. Not even changing out of the clothes I’d worn before, I woke up late and barely caught the bus the next morning.
I went to my usual spot but Abdul had already taken it. He patted the area next to it, which he’d covered in a towel, a smart move knowing how nasty it was. People gave me a few dirty looks as normal, which I smiled at. I stretched, my mind slightly less out of it than the previous morning.
“Uh, you do realize that-”
“Yeah, I know I’m wearing the same clothes.”
Abdul looked me up and down, his eyes remaining soft, but with a mix of concern and judgment. He set his backpack down and took off his sweater handing it to me.
“Dude what are you-”
“Look I don't know what led to you not being able to change but I think you should at least have a fresh top.”
I was surprised he was offering me something to wear but I took it.
“Uh, thanks, I’ll change into it later.”
He nodded as I put it in my backpack.
“You know you didn't have to do that.” I reminded him.
“Well there’s a lot of stuff I don’t have to do, but I do it because I want to, and I wanted to help you out.”
He smiled, his face still warmer than an Arizona summer. I got a strange feeling in my chest at that moment, I still can’t tell if it was good or bad.
“Well, thanks, I'll give it back to you tomorrow.”
We talked a little more and he mentioned something that caught my attention.
“Have you heard about all the animals that have been turning up dead?”
My eyes widened with surprise.
“No, I haven't, when did you hear about that?”
He pulled on his long-sleeve shirt.
“My sister said her friend who works at a shelter noticed a bunch of animals were getting adopted by people around the same time, and since then gore videos with them have been showing up. She found out through her co-worker who was emailed it by some random creep.”
I covered my mouth and looked away to hide the smile growing on my face. He had just given me the perfect cover-up without knowing. Now if I killed an animal people had an entire violent ring to connect it to instead of me! I stayed quiet for a minute because I could tell he’d likely see through any phony sad sounds I made.
“Oh wow, that’s awful, do you think they’ll ever find out the people behind it?”
He sighed, running his hand through his wavy hair.
“I hope so, for now, all we can do is pray that no more animals get hurt.”
I couldn't contain my grin as he said that so sincerely like animals and people didn't die constantly and that taking down one group would somehow stop the issue.
“Is there some joke I don’t get?” he furrowed his brow.
“Uh, no, sorry I smile when nervous.”
His gaze softened again, and he didn't press further.
His bringing up the animal killings ended up being the exact push I needed to get my hands dirty. I’d spent the entire day before planning so it was time to put that plan into action. I stole some cat treats that the cat man had laid out and spread them around my apartment which was on the bottom floor. Waiting for one of them to take the bate outside my window was pretty boring but one of them came after a few minutes. A scraggly brown and black cat with a tuft of fur missing on one side of his head. It's messed up but I felt like a little less of an asshole for taking him in since he looked like he was already struggling. I scooped him up and he didn't attempt to fight back.
“Hey there buddy” I waved, feeding him some more food. His eyes had a lot of crust on them, it was kinda gross but I don’t have the right to say with how often I wash my jeans. After a minute or two he let me pet him. I knew making any kind of attachment was bad but I thought it was the right thing to do so he’d fall into a sense of security. I was just about to take him into my room when the door opened.
“Hey, I’m back with groceries!” my shithead cousin announced with two plastic bags in his hands. He looked down to see me with the cat, his eyebrows raising.
“Aw come on, you know we can’t afford a pet.”
He groaned placing the bags on a table and unloading them.
“I know, but he doesn't look like he’s got a lot of life in him I at least want to help him feel better before he kicks the bucket!”
Brick rolled his eyes, putting the cereal box on top of the fridge
“Jeez, did you even think about what diseases he might have? His eyes look puffy what if he has something that can get you sick?”
He had valid concerns which was surprising since he’s usually stupid, but I was still annoyed with him.
“I’m sure he’s fine, I’ll even try to wash him, just please let me hold onto him for a little.”
He folded his arms looking down at us.
“Have you even named him?”
I froze for a second, before using the first thing that came to mind, which ended up being pretty awful knowing my plans.
“Cash cow.” I blurted, awkwardly patting his head.
“Honestly that’s better than what I was expecting. I was sure you’d pick ‘Hellspawn Mcgee’ or something else corny.”
He meant to make fun of me but honestly, I would have named him that if I had more time.
“Ugh, anyway I got those dumb chips you like.”
He then pulled out a bag of the wrong chips.
“Dude those are the wrong ones, this is the third time you’ve mixed up the flavors.”
He threw them at me, scaring the cat slightly.
“Well, I pay for it so you shouldn't be so picky. Anyway, while I was in line I picked up something you might be into.”
He then tossed me a trashy teen magazine. One of my least favorite sorry excuses for an influencer on the cover.
“This is a joke, right?”
I couldn't believe my own adopted brother gave such little shit in my interests.
“I don't know, you decided to start being a girl for real this time so I thought the makeup tips on page ten would help you out.”
I scrunched my face at his comment.
“Dude I’ve been this way for years, just because I started wearing more makeup and dresses doesn't mean I’m more of a girl than when I didn't. I know you won’t get the two-spirit thing but come on.”
He shrugged, seeing me done with me even though he’d just shown up.
“Yeah well hey I’m trying. Anyway, just so you know a friend of mine is coming here Friday.”
My heart stopped.
“Wait why here? You live elsewhere why can’t you assholes go there or their place!”
He slammed his fist on the table.
“Will you shut the fuck up!”
He screamed with a phrase I’d grown numb to.
“I don't know, to be honest, something about wanting to move into this complex and this being a way to scout it out. I’m just letting you know now so you don’t act like a complete freak.”
“Jokes on you I’ll piss in whatever shitty beer you bring just cause you said that!”
I yelled back raising my voice higher than his. He face-palmed before putting the plastic bags in the drawer under the sink.
“Whatever, you and your ketamine-addict-looking cat have fun,” he told me while seating himself on the couch. I picked up the cat and walked into the bathroom to clean it. I closed the door and placed him in the dry tub. Using a small disposable mouthwash cup I got a little bit of water. I hadn't had a pet before so I wasn't sure how to approach the task. I dipped my fingers in the water and carefully pet it while pouring s small bit down his back. Any other cat would fight back but he just made pissed-off noises without doing anything.
I scrapped my old shampoo bottle and kneaded it into his thin fur. His skin was bumpy and dry beneath the hair so scrubbing it was uncomfortable. I made sure to avoid getting soap in its eyes but I did pull away some of the crust on its lids. His pupils were so clouded I was surprised that he could see at all, making me feel even more sure that he would be on its way out with or without me.
After drying him I set him on a beat-up shirt I wore when modifying clothes. He sunk his claws into it a few times, playing with a loose string. I ignored him for the rest of the night, hopping into the shower and changing for bed. His meows woke me up a few times but I tuned it out after a while, reminding myself that he wouldn’t be my cat for long.
The next day was Thursday and there wasn't a second that passed by where the weight of the murder I’d have to commit didn't weigh on me. I seriously shot myself in the foot by taking care of that scruffy, pubic hair pile. I was supposed to be hyped about killing it, after all, I’d dreamed and seen way worse than what I was going to do. Yet once I got home and started setting up I felt grosser with each step. I decided to record it in my bathroom instead of my bedroom so it would be harder to connect to me. I set down a few fabric scraps and a worn-out beach towel, placing it all inside a tub for easier cleanup later.
“Okay, I guess it's time,” I mumbled to myself. I brought the cat in and placed it down, setting up my camera once it was comfortable. I also wore my most generic clothes in addition to a mask, putting my hair in a bun for sanitation. When I saw the flicker of red showing that the camera was on I felt I was dreaming. I smiled, excited that I’d get to live out my violent desires. Yet, when I looked down at its pathetic frame and confused expression those urges left me.
I rationalized what I was doing, reminding myself how many animals die all the time and that I’d been forced into this, but it didn't help much in the end. I won’t get into it but under the pressure of impressing the group Cash Cow didn't go out as fast as I would have liked for a first task. Getting rid of the evidence was especially rough, the textures were pretty nasty, to put it mildly. It was surreal watching the blood go down the tub drain and gradually drip off my hands as I rinsed them. I couldn't conjure a single thought the entire time I cleaned it up.
Whether I was wringing out the clothes or putting the remains in plastic bags, it didn't matter. All I could focus on was the task at hand, with hints of disgust along the way. I ended up finishing at three AM. My hands were wrinkled and shook once I settled. I won’t deny that during the murder I didn't hate it. Slashing into something was fun and it made me feel strong. Still, it wasn't nearly as fulfilling as I expected it to be. Part of it was guilt, but it was mostly disappointment. I’d built it up for years and it wasn't earth shatteringly good or bad.
Overall, I expected to feel more, but it just left me hollow with an uncomfortable itch. There was no way I’d ever be able to see the tub the same way, hell I don’t think I’ll ever use it again. Luckily I almost always shower anyway so it's not too big of a deal. I watched a few horror game videos, trashed everything, changed and went to bed.
My scalp hurt like a bitch the morning since I kept my hair in that stupid bun. Despite getting less sleep than the past two days I held myself together a bit better in the morning. I brushed my teeth, changed, and had some fried bread before getting on the bus. Regardless I looked like complete shit and struggled to slump into my seat.
“Rough night?” Abdul asked
“Uh, yeah.” I quietly responded looking to the floor.
He frowned, looking at me with concern.
“You can talk about it if you're comfortable,” he assured me. I contemplated giving him a thinly veiled metaphor or vague explanation so he'd comfort me but stopped myself before my mouth could run a muck. He wouldn't be able to do much of anything and I don’t like opening up.
“Uhm, thanks but it's something I have to deal with alone.”
He nodded, respecting my boundaries.
“You know, I understand if you can’t hang out today it seems like you have a lot going on.”
I avoided eye contact with him as he spoke. For once I was feeling hints of guilt toward a person. I wanted to spend time with him, but I knew that I wasn't in the state to do that.
“Yeah, I think it’ll have to wait, I’m-” I cut myself off before apologizing. A fact about me that should surprise no one is that I hate apologizing. Even when I do feel kinda bad the act fills me with embarrassment.
“You what?” he asked, his eyes telling me that he knew what I was going to say.
“I’m emotionally not great.” I spat out in an admittedly poor attempt to get out of saying sorry. As always he remained calm but I could tell he saw through me.
“Okay, like I said I understand, whatever it is I hope you feel better.”
I told him thank you and we didn't speak for the rest of the day. At home I changed into more comfortable clothes and brushed my teeth. Unfortunately, I wasn't bouncing back from killing nearly as much as I expected.
“It wasn't even that bad! That thing was on its last legs anyway.” I grumbled to myself, smacking my forehead. I was feeling worse than when I did it which is weird. I ended up spontaneously decorating a ratty tie from the bottom of an accessory drawer to distract myself. It helped me get my mind off things, for a little. I had zero plan, just wanting to make something needlessly complex. Hours that felt like minutes passed and soon it was covered in patches, frills, and beads. I just tried it on when I heard the front door open.
“Man, that shit was wild!” I heard Brick laugh groggily. I didn't have to see or smell him to know he’d gotten lit. I rolled my eyes, closing my bedroom door.
“Hey, who’s there?” his friend asked, seemingly referring to me.
“Oh, that’s my little sis, don’t mind her she’s just on her emo shit!” he joked, which pissed me off for the petty reason that I didn't even listen or dress emo.
“Hey, that’s alright with me, I went through one of those phases,” they responded, their words less slurred than my cousin’s.
I fucked up and forgot to lock it when I closed it so they were able to swing it open, almost smacking my desk.
“Hey emo girl!” they waved as Brick haphazardly pulled them back.
“Okay, man, seriously I think she wants to be left alone.”
The way his friend looked at me made me uncomfortable. Like they’d snap my neck if I pissed them off. They clicked their tongue while stepping through the door frame.
“Alright, but I gotta say calling her an emo is inaccurate, they look like they watch gore and most emos just say they do.” they flashed a sharp toothy grin. At that moment I began to connect the dots.
“Easy, she’ll get pissy with you dude, now come on.” Brick warned tugging their opened button pushed him away. They looked me dead in the eyes.
“I don’t think she minds, in truth, I feel like we’ll have a lot to discuss later.” they smiled again, finally walking back into the living room. A chill ran up my spine when I saw them. The sharp teeth, New York accent, unsettling gaze, that motherfucker was the person who recruited me! They were able to get into my place so easily cause my dumbass cousin probably gave them a spare key or the opportunity to make one, and now they were a room away from me!
I dug my hands into my pillow as I contemplated what to do, no matter what happened next, I knew it was gonna be a rough visit.

Apologies for this convoluted mess of a post, I’m in a pretty high emotional state and just wanted some second opinions.
First thing you should know, I have always been incredibly passionate about societal issues involving all aspects of life. Whether that be racism, classism, sexism, homophobia, xenophobia, etc.. I am a white woman from a developed country and I recognise the privilege that I have and I ensure I do not take away the voice of minorities but simply find ways to advocate and amplify those voices and to continuously educate myself to be culturally aware and sensitive. I’m trying my best in doing what I can.
That being said, I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years now and he has known this about me since the beginning (also my bf is white).
Now, when I say “pretend to be a misogynist”, I honestly was the first one to really use this as a joke. For example, when I would come across a TikTok of a guy on a podcast saying that men have the capacity and right to cheat but women cannot because they get too emotionally involved, I would show my bf the clip and say “No because he’s spitting straight facts and why stop there? Women are emotional creatures and men are rational thinkers, which is why men don’t cry. If you’re in touch with your emotions, you’re a pussy.” Basically just some exaggerated bullshit that I would say in a sarcastic tone to really highlight how laughable these ideologies are.
He loved this and thought it was hilarious so he started to use the joke as well. He began to use it so frequently that at one point I jokingly said “I’m starting to think that you’re beginning to believe the shit you’re saying.” To which he doubled down and said “Oh no, you’ve caught me” and laughed it off. A little red flag was risen in my mind but I shrugged it off and reminded myself that I was in fact the one to introduce him to the joke.
Recently, I’ve been really struggling with my anxiety and depression due to everything that’s going on in the world and how it feels like we are progressing backwards as a society at times. I have had to take frequent breaks off of social media because of the bigotry I kept frequenting in TikTok comments and it would send me down a spiral of losing hope in humanity essentially (I know this is a showcase of my privilege to be ignorant, but I had to make the difficult choice of putting my mental health first).
I became quite sensitive to any sort of bigotry and asked my bf if we could at least pause with “pretend to be a misogynist” jokes as in my vulnerable state these ideologies were no longer laughable but frightening. He seemed confused as to how that would help but agreed.
Now to the event that caused me to question my bf’s intentions when making these jokes. Harrison Butker infamously made his commencement speech recently spouting traditional ideologies of a woman’s role as a homemaker under the guise of religion. This of course irked me and made me so incredibly upset for the women in the graduating class that had just worked their butts off for 4 years that had to sit and listen to this man that their greatest accomplishment in life will be when they become a wife and mother.
I of course shared this to my bf, saying how utterly disappointed I am that an influential figure can openly make these statements and think nothing wrong of it. In this moment, I truly just wanted him to share in my disappointment and disgust. Instead, he replies with “King shit 🤴”. I gave him another chance by asking “Don’t you think it’s foul that people still think this way? That a woman should amount to no more than a homemaker?” He replies with “He’s speaking his truth.”
I know I should have communicated my frustration but I just didn’t have the energy to start an argument over text. And frankly, I started to go into another one of my dissociative spirals where I was picking apart previous times my bf has made these sorts of jokes and I have given him the chance to express his actual concern on these sorts of issues but he always just sorts of doubles down on the joke and moves on in the convo giving me the clear signal that he doesn’t want to discuss this sort of thing anymore. Even though he knows how passionate I am with societal issues and particularly in this present moment with how it is actually affecting my mental health.
And to add fuel to the fire, whilst I HIGHLY don’t recommend comparing your relationship to those that you see online I had come across a TikTok of a woman showing her husband the speech and him immediately expressing his concern and disdain.
Is it all my doing since I started the joke so he thinks it’s okay? Am I thinking too deeply in thinking that he continuously brushes off any sort of discussion about societal issues? How do I approach him about my concern without him instantly denying and shutting it down?
TLDR: My (22F) bf (21M) agreed with Harrison Butker’s speech as a “joke” even though I asked him to stop making these kinds of jokes.

I tried looking this up online and found this explanation. However, it does not explain why one fraction has a constant numerator while the other one has a linear numerator.
Why can’t both fractions have a constant numerator, or why can’t both fractions have a linear binomial numerator?

I was just randomly thinking about this since I think frenworld was a rather peculiar era in my internet life and I have a theory about the subreddit and I was curious if I could catch anyone who also remembers this subreddit. I will provide the RationalWiki description of the word Fren.

Fren is a corruption of the word "friend". It is a dog whistle used by a subsection of the alt-right, commonly found on the FrenWorld subreddit on Reddit. The idea is to talk like a small child or intellectually disabled person while still talking about general alt-right bigotry, the pattern of which emerged with the aforementioned Apu Apustaja meme.
Closely connected to the honkleClown World memes, the Honkler and other Pepes can be seen in many of their memes. After the CringeAnarchy subreddit was shut down when the moderators refused to delete posts calling for genocide, many users migrated to the FrenWorld subreddit, which was shut down in June 2019. This word is also used by fans of the band Twenty One Pilots, plus it is the name of Swedish streamer Vargskelethor's mascot character, so check the context.

I personally have always felt that this doesn't quite capture the purpose of frenworld. The point of frenworld was to get neurodivergent reddit users to migrate to 4Chan for further radicalisation. It had at the time been described as "a 4Chan colony" but this doesn't convey the full truth, it was a 4Chan radicalisation operation.
I have frequently returned to this in my mind because it's always been a curiosity of my angsty teen years and was wondering if anyone here actually remembers this subreddit and agrees with my conclusions.
Probably half of the subreddit's users were not from 4Chan but instead were people expressing their identity in a non-gender conforming way in a way they hadn't before and this was to its unaware memebers, was a comforting social community to be part of. I say this because this was a type of community which had a vibe which I would only see again later when I became more aware of my neurodivergence. Yes the subreddit was established and ran by the far right, but I was part of the target demographic and the far right has had a long time sicceeding in recruitment of neurodicergent folks because progressives of the era spent far too much time accidentally alienating neurodivergent people. The Neurodiversity movement exploded in the aftermath of the decline if the 'Intellectual Dark Web' even if the roots were planted at the same time as the modern far right. Before Neurodiversity was more popularised many of us literally had no representation in the discourse and our issues were ignored by far too many progressives.
Especially for young white men like myself, we spent our lives facing oppression and bullying from a source we didn't understand, and it made it easier to spoonfeed us the far right narritive since there wasn't an alternative explanation which we heard and made sense of. That's why the gamergate era was something I easily jumped onto, because why was I suffering? Well clearly progressives must had seemed hypocritical or narrow sighted, where theu cared about other minorities but didn't often even acknowledge the issues our minority faces from ableism.
Of course there has been a Neurodiversity movement since the 1990's and there have been passionate disability activists since the industrial revolution. The difference is the online culture of gamergate was greatly shaped by neirodivergent hands and I will not concede this hill since the reactionary tendency of the online right started in terminally online apaces which self-professed things like autism very openly. The term autist isn't a result of people wanting to appropriate autism, it was led by reactionary autistic people and eventually the word autist became synonymous with the right. There would had been a lot more open resistance to this from autistic people if it wasn't for the fact that the gamergate era alienated young autistic white men, who at the time and still are the majority of diagnosed people. Obviously this is because of the autism criteria being flawed and implicit racial bias around neuro-cognitive behaviour, additionally culture plays a role in diagnosis rates, especially people of atypical cultrual backgrounds.
The point I am making is, Neurodiversity if popularised sooner could had saved so many lives. Neurodiversity saved my life, and I am hoping it has saved the loves of other people in a position like my own identity wise. Hence why I believe that if I ask people here if theh remember frenworld perhaps I can gain more insight into my theory.
I think these questions are quite important to investigate as theu can help us make sense of our lives and pasts. I am so proud of where I am today, and reflecting on this makes me appreciate how far I have come personally.

Has anybody had any experience with HBOT (hyperbaric oxygen therapy) in treating LC? I have read up on it quite a bit, and it seems to produce some really promising results in those who were treated. Here is a good article on the treatment and the results it has produced. https://www.pharmacytimes.com/view/hyperbaric-oxygen-therapy-may-be-the-first-only-clinically-effective-treatment-for-long-covid
The Aviv Clinic, who has a US location in FL, seems to be the only place with their finger on the pulse of HBOT and LC treatment. The testimonies from their patients are extremely moving, and hit very close to home. The biggest issue is obviously cost and time away from home/work. From what I understand, Aviv wants your for 8-12 weeks, and can cost up to $45k (from what I read online) for their system of treatments (HBOT protocol with cognitive and physical training and nutritional coaching). Here is a link to their website, keep scrolling down for testimonies: https://aviv-clinics.com/disease/long-covid-syndrome/
Aviv and their lead Dr. have reached out to me in the past on Reddit and offered consultation, I need to get back with them and learn more about it, just haven’t got around to it…
Like most of you, I’m unable to afford anything like this, especially due to the fact that the treatment isn’t covered by insurance. I am curious on what it takes to get treatments approved for insurance coverage? I mean there are studies that have been done showing the benefits of HBOT for those who have LC. Anyways hope we can have a good discussion about this, as it seems hopeful if the price can get to a rational point, where it becomes accessible for more people.

Today is such an amazing day! I was baptized, confirmed and had my 1st holy communion all in 1 mass! Here's my conversion story:
My family was Methodist but not devoutly religious. I was never baptized. I was familiar with His existence but I didn’t know Him personally. I never thought of death and the afterlife until my mother died. I was nine and that's when the idea of death and heaven crossed my mind. This wasn’t when I truly became devout.
Around 2020, I was on the internet, I saw that someone posted about hell and that's when I had the revelation that the life I'm living without God and the sins I was struggling with were not sending me to heaven. At that moment I stood up and asked my dad to get me a Bible. Around this time an online friend came to me and asked me to join his online church, which was a Fundamentalist Baptist Church. During this time, I listened to a lot of preachers who preached hate about the Catholic Church and I started to believe them. I swore to myself that I would never become Catholic. Eventually, I moved away from these preachers.
I had nowhere else to go and returned to the Methodist Church. I went to a local church, and I enjoyed the sermons, but I never felt fulfilled. At this time, the Methodist Church was splitting because of social issues. For a while I wasn’t in any denomination. I stopped going to church and seeking God. Around the 1 year mark of my conversion, someone asked me, “If modern denominations are starting to split up, think about what denomination has stayed together since the time of Christ?”
This started me thinking about history and how the Catholic Church dates all the way back to Christ. I started to research the Catholic Church and realized how much there is to it. In September of 2022, I signed up for Rite of Christian Initiation for Teens (RCIT). In October, I went to my first Catholic Mass and I remember being so nervous and having no idea what's going on but I loved it. The mass went by so fast and it was so engaging compared to the Methodist sermons. As the months went by, my love for the Virgin Mary grew because I saw her as my mother.
Then, on May 18th, I got baptized and it was the most amazing mass I've ever been too. I remember being nervous but once it started, everything went perfect. After being baptized and looking at the crucifix I felt like he was looking right back at me. I was also given the opportunity of being able to present the gifts which was really cool. Even though I didn't feel different in the mass, after the mass I felt like a million pounds were lifted off me and I had no worries.

Long story short, we've been divorced for going on two years now. After an initial period of arguments and sporadic no contact, we settled into a friendship (largely because I didn't want him to harm himself because I truly am the last bridge he hasn't completely burned to a crisp). Throughout this time, I've helped him through dating four different people and the breakups that ensued. I tried to help stir him toward rational and healthy thinking, as a friend. We've been friends and all has been fine. Fast forward to a few weeks ago I started talking to somebody online. I talked about him with my ex and he talked about the person he's currently dating and all has been fine. Well, I finally went on a date with the person I had been talking to and it went pretty horrible. I needed a friend to talk to, so I called my ex since he was one of the few people that even knew about the date.
He chatted like everything was normal, even tried to calm me down. I was pretty drunk, so I don't remember the entirety of the convo; just that it didn't seem hostile at all. Now come this morning, I'm casually scrolling through Tiktok and notice he's made a tiktok basically blasting me and making fun of me for calling him to talk about how bad my date went. Essentially saying things like "my replacement didn't want you" and shit like that. This caught me by complete surprise and I just simply messaged him a f u and he responded with the "you must've seen my video." I told him I'm cutting contact for good. He's turned back to his little tiktok audience saying I blocked him on everything and was mad over the video (I actually don't have him blocked on anything yet, because he still has my phone that I'm paying for -- which I'm about to have unexpectedly disconnected).
I'm surprisingly happy, though. I've endured years worth of his toxicity and was always, always the person who ended up understanding and forgiving his behaviors. Only difference this time around, is I truly am not in love with him anymore. I cared about him and his wellbeing, but I'm not blinded by my own feelings anymore. Like I said, I'm having his phone disconnected and his 30 year old, carless, unemployed self can rot alone in his grandfather's garage without his little tiktok audience to justify him.