"You know mbti and you want to befriend with enfjs? It is because you are worthless and want to take advantage of us". I saw some people here expressing this paranoid logic. I find it very sad and unhealthy. No everyone who want to befriend you is not a piece of trash and a manipulator. Why would it be the case? Are you going to turn down in your life every person who apprieciate your qualities because "someone who seeks kindness cannot reciprocate"? You say you are worth respect and love. That's true. But how are you going to get this if you think every person who love your type has no value? What is funny is some of you also seek a relationship with an enfj because you seek more empathy and gestures of love. Are you worthless because of it?
You got one or several bad experiences? I get it. However don't overgeneralize because it makes you no different than someone racist. It got that bad than someone wrote "infp is a loser mbti" and got upvotes. Self-affirmation does not require denigration of others.
Guys I tell you some people who are seeking your company are not seeking a therapist, a parent or whatever. We just want your qualities and energy to be at ease, have fun and good conversations. And some of us could even bring you everything you need and want.

Literally in rank 28 constantly being put down 70 trophies every time i am almost at 29 because i get teammates who are completely braindead, you would think that if they got to rank 28 too they would have gained some kind of skill but apparently no?
The most commons are pipers who literally cannot hit a shot or mortis/edgar players which get an itch to disconnect their braincells the moment we get into a situation in which winning is certain.
No joke one time i was in K.O solo'ing a team with mfing poco, dying when the only remaining enemy was a tick left to 400 hp, but my teammates (leon and piper) managed to turn the tables and get violently banged by a tick which was less scared of them than they were of him.
One time i got matched with a duo playing together and they were so bad they got me thinking they were griefing. An edgar managed to lose against piper, dynamike and byron, a team of brawlers with 4k hp EACH.
Why does this happen? Is there, say, the possibility to get matched with bad randoms in rank 35? I just want my poco rank 30 man, i don't deserve this.

Literally in rank 28 constantly being put down 70 trophies every time i am almost at 29 because i get teammates who are completely braindead, you would think that if they got to rank 28 too they would have gained some kind of skill but apparently no?
The most commons are pipers who literally cannot hit a shot or mortis/edgar players which get an itch to disconnect their braincells the moment we get into a situation in which winning is certain.
No joke one time i was in K.O solo'ing a team with mfing poco, dying when the only remaining enemy was a tick left to 400 hp, but my teammates (leon and piper) managed to turn the tables and get violently banged by a tick which was less scared of them than they were of him.
One time i got matched with a duo playing together and they were so bad they got me thinking they were griefing. An edgar managed to lose against piper, dynamike and byron, a team of brawlers with 4k hp EACH.
Why does this happen? Is there, say, the possibility to get matched with bad randoms in rank 35? I just want my poco rank 30 man, i don't deserve this.

It’s true what everyone said on this forum, 7 and a half months/8 months really is the huge turning point
It’s funny, I still wake up crying often. But crying has always been something beautiful to me. It’s a sign that things are moving, things are healing.
I’m not frozen in fear. Hypervigilant and having rolling panic attacks for days on end.
PTSD is literally the worst thing I’ve ever experienced. I wish there was some bullshit silver lining in that but there’s not. It’s fucking awful, but I’m so thankful and relieved that we have amazing, powerful therapies like EMDR. We don’t have to suffer in pain for months and decades of our lives. We can heal, we can grow, we can recover.
I’m feeling lighter and happier. I have more perspective. I realize what happened to me is not my fault. My panic attacks have switched from three day long anxiety fests to like an evening after I get triggered, and I’m not done yet.
I’m feeling so hopeful and optimistic about the future. I’m excited for the summer, I’m planning things, I have so much love in my heart for my friends. Small things like hot chocolate and bubble baths and yellow roses make my heart so happy.
I never thought I would get here. I felt stuck and broken. I was terrified I’d be terrified forever. But we can always heal.
“Trauma is a fact of life but it doesn’t have to be a life sentence.”
My life has been full of trauma but it’s also been full of growth, healing and self discovery. I work through the pain and I heal myself everyday, I don’t give up on myself, I don’t abandon myself when sometimes all I want to do is not exist (when I’m in the middle of that pain) and if you’re here - neither do you.
And you should be so proud of yourself for that. You are an amazing human being that you are so resilient and you try so hard for yourself when it would be so fucking easy to just give up. Well fuck that coz that’s just what our abusers and perpetrators want us to do. Let’s heal and move forward and leave them to rot in their self-imposed misery and pain.
One thing I’ve been thinking about is I wonder if people with PTSD/CPTSD have more sensitive nervous systems. I believe that “mental illness” is a natural response to awful circumstances and that most people in one way or another have struggles with and anxiety and depression. Because we have been through so much, we suffer more.
Sometimes it is so unfair that we get “stuck” with PTSD and CPTSD after our trauma (with PTSD being statistically unlikely for many) but I also wonder if our sensitivity is also a gift, we feel our pain and our fear more deeply than others but we also feel things like love, joy and gratitude more deeply than others too. We are so sensitive to the world and the beauty in it (as well as all that is awful) because we understand how fragile and vulnerable it is. We know life can be taken in a second. Many people are asleep to that and they never know and realize the preciousness of life and all those little moments until they’re on their deathbed. We’ve already been there in a way. We brushed with death in one form or another and survived. And our life is a tragic gift because of it. And there’s so much bittersweet growth and insight to be found in that. I’d most definitely give it back ;) but there is no back, so what is the lesson? What is the beauty? It’s hard to see where you’re suffering so acutely, but it’s easier to see once you get out onto the other side a little.
I felt so hopeless even a month or two ago but now I’m seeing so much goodness and growth and recovery
Maybe tomorrow I might feel differently. Maybe I’ll want to die again. But maybe I won’t. 😊😉
Keep going 💛

Ok so, I (14F) have known this boy (14M) who I will call “A” since I was in third grade, and we are obviously in the same middle school. We are both incredibly intelligent and good at writing, however people always put him above me. I feel like he isn’t more successful than me academically though. Infact I am more successful than him, i’m in the gifted program and in student council neither of which he is in.
Anyways, I have always resented him because he gets more praise for the same writing and work that I do. I think we’re both funny, I always make him laugh and he makes me laugh. However, I can’t help but to resent him even though I think we both have the same qualities; hes attractive and i’m very sure I am aswell, hes smart and I know I am aswell and we’re both popular and funny; adults are always saying so.
Its just like hes so perfect and I would give anything to recieve the same kind of praise he does. I mean even I adore him but like not in a romantic way, its just like hes always been someone who likes classical literature even though nobody else in our grade is intrigued by it and its just heinous knowing I probably won’t be able to speak to him in highschool because he’s one of my favorite people. I’m not really sure if how I feel about him is romantic, like sometimes I just want to hug him if that makes sense lmao. Oh I included our writing from sixth grade when we did a group project together copy pasted ↓
Mine: As soon as the recollection of the three bodies came cascading upon Bass in a choking flood of stinging details, Bass began to perspire and tremble. Something that was a recurrence in this impeccable novel is the mention of the Comanches- a belligerent indigenous group of people to America. The name was sure to bring fear to even the brawniest of men, Comanche had tolled in them like a portentous gong. There was a sinister and unlikely coincidence between the violent happening around the Native American territory that made the Comanche one of the most hideous of omens. In reality though the Comanches were a brutal community, bring treated with a biblical veneration. However I would like to take a mature and systematic evaluation of why they may do these things. For one, us Americans drove them out if the land they had lived in for centuries, brutally burning down their communities and making them walk grueling trails and rough rocks to arrive at a territory riddled with mediocrity. Overall I believed that the Comanches were a symbol or vim and freedom throughout this novel.
His: There are several prominent names that have established themselves as important threads upon the rich tapestry of Western History; Several Outlaws and desperados are recalled for the formidable forced they possessed upon their communities. Billy the Kid, Wyatt Earp, Doc Holliday- all of these names have been of flourishing recognition, yet there are only mere vestiges of traces upon a true legend; a figure of immaculate morals (a trait that was a rare rose within a grotesque haven of weeds.) This very man that I speak of was born into slavery and- at the age of seventeen- relinquished the clutches of his owner prerequisite to venturing into the sibylline, crime-riddled depths of the Indian Territory where he would elude the treacherous dangers amidst his path to grow older to be a man of law; a valiant marshal in which turned a horrendous domain (the indian territory) into a place of order. This man went by the name of Bass Reeves.

I'm (23F) applying from NYC as I'm from the Philippines and am a permanent resident. I'm going to the Philippines with my bf (US citizen) but we wanted to stop at Japan first. We're traveling for my birthday and to visit family in the Philippines. I submitted my application a week ago, got this email today:
Your application is currently being reviewed, and you are missing/should re-submit the following documents:
-Your modified travel itinerary using our format. *Please review our sample provided in the following link, and kindly indicate at least one tourist destination or area name for each day of your planned visit. Under “accommodation” write the name and address of the hotel. Under “contact” write the phone number of the hotel. *Instead of entering "Tokyo" or "Kyoto", please list the name of tourist destinations such as Sky tree, Roppongi Hills, Kinkaku-ji, Arashiyama, Nijo-jo, and Kiyomizu-temple. *Refer to the detailed travel itinerary #7 at the following link: https://www.ny.us.emb-japan.go.jp/en/d/TemoraryVisitorsforTourism.pdf
-Your entire hotel booking confirmation.
-The statement(s) from other bank account(s) proving your financial stability to cover travel expenses. *If you have any foreign, investment banking or hi-yield saving accounts with a sufficient amount of money which proves your financial stability and covers your travel expenses, please submit those statement(s).
I'm just scared of screwing up showing my financial stability. My bf is paying for the trip as it is my birthday, we already booked flights, hotels, etc. But I still sent over a bank statement that showed I had $4000+ which I got from the bank itself. I can get a new one, I also submitted my boyfriend's bank statement as he is financing the trip as well so I'm not quite sure what to send to them along with US passport + drivers license. He's also in the flight booking. I did submit it literally a day before they emailed me so I'm not sure if they saw it. So I'm not sure what bank statement to send to them - I only have one.
Does anyone have any advice? I'm probably gonna call them on Monday to ask as well

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRA_wafflehouse
My (29F) Boyfriend (29M) keeps getting into fights with a cook at Waffle House
Originally posted to relationship_advice
Original Post May 11, 2020
I know this sounds really weird, but here it is:
My BF and I have been together for three years. We met and started dating when we were both in graduate school, but I dropped out to go back to college to pursue a different career. We are both finished now, and live together making a fairly nice combined income.
Our income is relevant because we could afford to eat somewhere nice when we're out and about, but he always wants breakfast food. When he was a child his dad couldn't stand eating breakfast-type food in the afternoon or evenings, so his mom would make him waffles/pancakes, eggs, and bacon in the evening whenever his dad was busy or out of town. It's a wonderful and safe memory for him, and when he goes to his "happy place," he says that's where he always goes.
My BF is an incredibly nice and caring person. He's emotionally tuned in to everyone and recognizes arising issues a long time before they occur. He loves animals, and is kind and gentle with every bug, bird, and pet that he comes across. He's almost always willing to turn the other cheek in social situations where somebody tries to insult him or get aggressive towards him, and usually winds up defusing the situation and having a productive discussion about whatever the issue was. Except at Waffle House.
Anytime we're out he wants to go to the same goddamn Waffle House and get breakfast food. I'm not a big eater, so I used to not really care. I would just drink coffee and read my book while he enjoyed his food. But that became impossible once he and this one cook started chirping at each other every time we went there. BF complained about his eggs one time, because he likes them a little runny and they were served hard. The cook responded by giving him scrambled eggs. When he brought it up again the cook served him two hardboiled eggs. I think it was just part of the cook's schtick, and it was kind of funny tbh, but my BF wasn't able to laugh it off. When we left he was in kind of a bad mood, but we didn't really talk about it.
The next week we were out getting some shopping done, and he wanted to go to Waffle House again. I suggested that we try out a different place, or at least a different Waffle House location, but he only wanted the same Waffle House. We went in and sat down, and once again the same cook served his eggs wrong. My BF sort of snapped at him that he wasn't interested in messing around, and just wanted the correct eggs. The cook then served him a piece of toast with a hole cut out in the middle with a fried egg in it. My BF got really mad and threw the egg toast at the cook, which made the cook come around from behind the bar and throw it back at him. They ended up sort of wrestling/fighting until my BF was like "this is bullshit" and walked out. Nobody got hurt, but the few other people in there were watching and laughing a bit.
This is the crazy part: my BF keeps going back and ordering eggs and getting into fistfights with the same cook. It's almost a ritual at this point. My BF orders runny eggs, the cook serves him some other version of eggs, and then they beat the shit out of each other. I quit going with him after the second fight, but he kept going by himself. They're like Peter and the giant chicken from Family Guy, it's the weirdest thing. They've physically fought like 6 or 7 times over this.
I've tried to talk to him about it a few times, but he keeps saying it's a matter of principle. I've told him to talk to the manager or something like that, but he just waves me off. Apparently that cook hasn't yet made him the correct runny eggs, but it's like he spends the week learning new ways of preparing eggs to piss my boyfriend off.
The thing is, we're getting married this summer. He's accepted a job in a new city and it'll be easy for me to find work after the wedding, so we'll be moving away from his sworn enemy waffle house guy. He hasn't really been out since quarantine started, but it wouldn't surprise me if that's the first place he goes when restaurants open back up for sitting customers. But my main worry is this strange vindictive side of him I've never seen before that leads him to fight the same guy every week. The violence itself is an issue for me, but the obsession over it almost bothers me more.
Should I be worried that this side of him will come up later in our marriage? How do I get him to open up about this? Is this type of obsession a choice, or is it indicative of something deeper?
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP. DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP OR COMMENT ON THE ORIGINAL POST

I m25 have been living with my partner for 2 years I cant find work anywhere im really well qualified fully qualified decorator designer. It really winds me up the amount of unqualified cowboy decorators that have work in my area and I cant get work ive tried online stuff selling my possessions all sorts. But today I'm really low as its my partners birthday I cant even get her anything. Its really embarrassing when guys she used to hang out with in the past drop off flowers and cards and I cant I've no money to my name its the second year in a row this has happened I just feel really embarrassed, ashamed really low. For context I stay really healthy im not over or under weight. I lift weights exercise run. I have a smart shirt and tie for when I apply for jobs in person but get turned down. I guess I'm just posting here for any advice or if anyone knows any online things that actually pay. I'm really low even just good encouragement as I could really just walk into traffic if it wasn't her birthday.

Hi everyone! This is my first post on Reddit, trying to be specific so I hope it’s not too long...
I have inherited the following gear from a deceased relative: Nikon D3300, Tamron 18-200mm f/3.5-6.3 VC, Sigma DG 70-300mm f/4-5.6, and Nikkor 18-55mm f/3.5-5.6 (which I don’t use). I’ve been using it for a few months now, quite regularly and in many different situations, along with quite a bit of reading. While I have to improve at composition and post-processing, I’m reaching some of the limits of my gear, namely low-light performance.
I regularly shoot family/friends events like birthdays, and some religious events, mostly in buildings with bad-mediocre lighting I can’t do much about. This is all handheld, plus I often can’t use the (inbuilt) flash for several reasons. I use the Tamron in those cases: max aperture, shutter at 1/60 (or 1/30 in extreme cases) and auto ISO regularly hitting the defined limit (3200, higher gets really noisy)... PP does help (I sometimes do it), but photography is just a hobby or a help/service, so I would like to start with better low-light performance at the capture level.
Therefore, I am looking at faster lens(es) in the short/medium range, like up to 100mm. I’m aiming for 1.8 or even 1.4 aperture, but I’m a bit confused about which lenses would be most relevant to invest in, since I would like to keep it below let’s say 600 € (I’m in France, and yes I will buy used).

1. I’ve gotten used to the comfort of the Tamron’s range. I know fast zooms are heavy and expensive, but I don’t think I will be satisfied with only primes. On the other hand, looks like no zoom (at a reasonable price) can beat the 1.8/1.4 aperture of primes.
2. If I take an APS-C lens (which makes sense right now), I’m struggling to get rid of the fear that IF I EVER get a full-frame it will become rather useless.
3. If I get a (crop?) mirrorless one day, would a DSLR crop lens work on it? Guess it depends on the brand and other details...

I believe the Sigma 24-70mm F2.8 EX DG HSM would be a great zoom, more affordable, lightweight and versatile than e.g. the Sigma 50-100mm F1.8 DC HSM Art. However, on APS-C the range of the former would start at 36mm (did I get this number right?), and I know I would miss out on the wide angle. I could add the Sigma 18-35mm F1.8 DC HSM Art, but given its price (and weight) I wonder if it wouldn’t be smarter (and cheaper) to get one or two f/1.4 or 1.8 primes in that range. There’s also the cheaper Sigma 17-50mm f/2.8 EX DC HSM, but it would overlap with the 24-70 range and the aperture is the same. Maybe f/2.8 will already be a great improvement from the Tamron (esp. after some zooming) and I don’t need to aim higher...
What do you guys think? What approach would you suggest? And, more importantly, what specific lenses (primes or zooms) can you point at? Brands, models and their versions, etc. I prefer to spend a bit more if it’s worth it btw. Macro (small flowers) is also a + but not decisive.
TL;DR: What combination of fast lenses (primes or zooms up to ~ 100mm) would you suggest for good low-light performance on a Nikon D3300, in a budget of ~ 600€? First time purchasing gear.

I know religion and spirituality couldn mean nothing to some people , others might see it as being delusional and superstitious but everyone experiences are different
I have been agnostic since I was 15 , before that I was a muslim from a Muslim background , at 24 I became more spiritual( but not in a traditional way and still wasn't a muslim )
I was looking for ways to connect with god more still I wasn't so desperate for it though
Anyway I believed that no matter how you pray , what temple are you at , what language you use god will hear you
So I started praying the same way I learnt as a muslim but ooh god I struggled so fucking much
It's not that I only dont feel a connection but I was uncomfortable too glorifying god , talking to him whether he is real or not , it felt meaningless and if iam forcing myself to form a connection I dont want , I couldn't bring myself to believe a male figure is giving a fuck about me and my needs in life , I just couldn't convince myself to believe it , it's so funny
But fortunately there is some Faiths which pray and devote the worshipment to a goddesses , a woman figure
Things were so different , I could connect much better worshipping a woman figure , talking to her felt like talking to a sister or a mother while god was always just a stranger, a powerful dictator who could burn me and torture me if i didn't complied to his will , I just noticed that's how I saw god even as a young child too
Worshiping a woman felt we are kind of the same so I can get comfortable, trust , feel safe with her and that she will care about my best interests since she is (another woman ) , she could relate and have empathy
Also that female goddess is protector for animals , nature and those who are vulnerable and she consider all lives of animals and humans and nature as sacred , that's all make me respect her more , while a Male god cant care less about any of those
I believe even men will feel more fulfillment and connection worshipping a female figure but let's hope they wont end up fantasies about fucking her
And I would say in looking for peace and healing through spirituality you dont go to a man for these things , men can't give those
I strongly believe men have no place in religion, like they can worship of course but they can't be main figures, they cant make rules about religion or too many rules
Men understand only power and control, that's what they turn religions about and that's why religions brought more chaos , destruction and death than peace and religion is not about that
Even the real god / goddess if existed wil have more feminie energy than masculine
There is some domains which might had and still a male dominat domains and there is nothing wrong with that but religion shouldn't be one of these

I'm really torn and could use some outside perspective. My daughter (15F) is in ninth grade and her best friend, who is a classmate of hers, is turning 16 soon. His parents are throwing him a birthday party next Saturday at their holiday house in the mountains, which is about a 3-hour drive from where we live. A few of their other classmates are also invited, and it's planned to be a sleepover party from Saturday to Sunday.
Here's the situation: the best friend's parents have generously offered to pick up my daughter on Friday (a day before the other guests arrive) and bring her back with them on Sunday night. Initially, this seemed like a kind offer, but I'm extremely uncomfortable with the idea of my daughter being around her best friend's dad for an extended period.
The reason is that her best friend's dad has a criminal record. He served a 4-year suspended prison sentence for procuring and loansharking in the past. While I understand that everyone deserves a second chance, and he has presumably paid his debt to society, I just don't feel comfortable with my daughter spending the night at their house, especially under these circumstances.
My husband disagrees with me. He thinks I'm overreacting and that our daughter's friend shouldn't have to suffer because of his father's past mistakes. He also points out that there will be other kids there, which should make it safer.
I can see his point, but I can't shake off my unease. I want to protect my daughter and make sure she's safe, but I also don't want to be unfair to her friend or overly restrictive. Am I being unreasonable here? AITA for not allowing my daughter to attend her best friend's birthday party due to his dad's criminal record?

Obito Pain turn good after talk no Jutsu.
And Konan wasn’t evil to begin with.
Tho it’s funny tbh Zetsu is the only one.

Hello there! I used to be a member of this subreddit and was very into atheism. I’ve always championed science and facts till this day. I was raised in a traditional Jewish household and believed in God up until I was a teenager.
Around then I started looking through different atheist youtube channels, off the top of my head I remember CosmicSkeptic and TheAmazingAthiest as well as the late Christopher Hitchens. I became very atheist t in the process and remained so until before my 18th birthday.
After I turned my life around and started treating people better, I noticed things were going very well for me and I had gotten over my depression that I was stuck with all my teen years. I started becoming more spiritual, tried psychedelics and eventually decided that I believed in a higher power.
Ill try to explain the best I can how I rationalize the existence of a higher power.
Just like how out bodies are made up of billions of different cells, each alive and with a purpose, all working together to ensure the human body works as intended. I see us humans and other beings our observable reality as part of a system which ensures that something bigger than us functions, wether that be a local ecosystem or the world itself, I think the collective consciousness of an entire system would allow it to be conscious, and to feel, but not necessarily be aware of the “cells” that they are made of, like we weren’t up until microscopes were invented.
I would love to hear from this community what your thoughts are on my idea, and what your thoughts are about alternative beliefs that aren’t part of any religion, rather based on personal observations.

Hi I just came across a novel, chosen by the moon novel by izabella W. Its on pay by chapter websites, I've opened and read a few chapters but I can't seem to find any free version or chapter version anywhere. Please help. If anyone has read it I'm willing to take spoilers. Here's the advert I found below of it on Facebook.
Lycanthrope species is a disgusting race. And I, Delan Riley, am nothing more than a human scum in their eyes never expected those species would turn my world upside down. Since when the lycans managed to penetrate our town, like in the early 1900's we have a hierarchy, upper class = the lycans, middle class = mated humans, and lower class = the normal humans, who were basically considered scum. I endured their torment day after day, vowing to run away from them one day, until that day came and everything changed.
Dylan POV "Humans," I scowled at the principal's words from tannoy. "The Alpha twins will be celebrating their birthday tomorrow, as such, festivities are in order." Oh great, the Alphas twin children. Adrian and Arya are the worst lycans alive. I swear just because they are the alphas kids they literally get away with everything. If their birthday is tomorrow, then the wolves are going to be worse than ever. "All students will be present to greet them, two lines will be made, with humans on the left and the lycanthrope on the right. Any mated human will be at the front of the line for their year, you will all also be in order of your school year. That is all." Chat broke out the minute the tannoy was finished. "We haven't had a school gathering since the alpha king visited three years ago, before his sons coronation." Nick was right, the last time we all gathered like that was for the king and queens visit, when he decided to let the world know that he was to renounce his title to his only child, son Josh. "That sick bestard, he wants to make sure everyone is there so those idiot twins can find their mates." Yes I was mad, my fists connected with the table in front of me once more as I thought about how disgusting the situation was. You see the twins will be turning 17, so it's very possible someone in our school could be their mate, finding a mate is sacred to a wolf, the minute they say that one word your fate is sealed. They will turn your mind, morph you into being a lover of their kind, and then you'll give in.

That won't happen to me, I'm growing old to see the world as it once was, and I'm going to choose who I'll be with. No one will take that dream away from me.

Once dinner was finished, I just wanted to sleep. I'd had a very long tiring day, I quickly sat down on a small stool my mother kept in the storage closet and removed my shirt while my brother Freddy sat at the table to do his simple homework. It wasn't long before my mother came in with a large bowl of warm salt water and some cotton, this was going to sting I just knew it. She was here to help me with the wounds caused by wolves yesterday. She slowly began to unwrap the bandage from around my torso and slowed down drastically when it came to the final layer, I felt it peel off every wound and my fists clenched in pain. "Jesus!" I heard my mom exclaim once the dressing was completely removed. The air on my back was nice though and I sighed as my arm covered my once again exposed brests. "This is more than 15!" I began to hear sniffles coming from her and sighed turning round to look at her face, only to notice tears streaming down it. "Mom I'm fine, it's alright." She shook her head. "It's not alright, I'm your mother I shouldn't let these things happen. I'm so sorry. Your father would have..." here she goes again. Every single time something happened she'd always bring up dad, it really annoyed me because no matter how much we all wish he was here, he just isn't. My father was kiled by THEIR kind, almost 5 years ago when they actually managed to take over. When the lycans managed to penetrate our town my father rose up with some people from the neighborhood, to defend our livelihood, it was futile to say the least. We lost many people and I watched as my dad was ripped apart by two fully shifted wolves, I ended up shoting him to stop his suffering before they dragged me to the courtyard, i was the person to receive the first lashing of the town when I was 12! The wolves have been pretty strict with me since that day. "Stop being stvpid!" Was I harsh? Definitely! Did she need to hear it again, absolutely. "Dad is dead, we don't know what he'd do because he never knew this life. He never knew this world." I know what he'd have done, most likely attacked the guy who held the whip and got himself kiled in the process. "The best thing you can do for me, is stop crying and help me, next time don't insist on helping if you can't handle it." She began to wash my open wounds with the warm salt water causing loud winces to leave me, I knew it was necessary to prevent infection, but my god it hurt like a betch. "Some of these are really deep Dylan!" She sniffed again and my eyes rolled in my head. "I told you, I'm fine, just wrap me back up so I can get to bed." My mom was obviously more impacted by my injuries than I was, I suppose that always the case though. When it's happening to you, you've just got to get through it but when it's happening to someone you love, you just want to take their pain away. She quickly placed a fresh bandage around my waist and chest and wrapped it tightly for compression. The bowl of water that was used was now red in color, I guess from the blood my back was dripping with. "Can you keep your head down please? At least just this week. You can't take any more lashings." I simply nodded before standing up away from the stool, I walked over to Freddie and ruffled his hair in affection. "Good night squirt." He giggled and fixed his hair slightly. "Night Dilly." I smiled walking upstairs to my little bedroom, as soon as I was inside i shut the door and flopped down on to my bed on my stomach and I took a minute to cry to myself at the pain in my back, what my mom did was important but it hurt, not that I'd ever tell her. My hand covered my mouth quickly to muffle any noise I might be making. I couldn't tell anyone, I had to be strong because more and more people were crumpling these days, and my mom would break if she knew how much I was suffering. Sleep followed me shortly after, she was right though about me needing to keep my head down for the time being, I could not take another lashing! After a long night and an even longer morning, we were all finally stood in the hallway at school waiting for the twins to arrive. "Mine!" Everyone that was stood in the hallway tensed up, as we were seniors, me and Nick were stood towards the very back of the human line. All the mated people were situated directly opposite their wolf mates in their years. We stayed silent and still as Arya walked down the hall and stopped directly in front of Nick. His eyes widened in fear, unsure of wether to look up or keep his head lowered. "Look me in the eye, mate." He glanced at me slightly as if asking what he should do. "I said, look me in the eye." He slowly moved his eye line up to look at her face. I took a glance myself to see her eyes pitch black with lust. "I... can't... I mean... erm." Before he was able to mutter anything else, two wolves from opposite, grabbed him out of the line and dragged him behind Arya. "Hey!" My head shot up before I could stop myself. My mouth also forgot its place as I jumped out of line. Everyone's head shot to me as my eyes widened in realization at what I'd done. Adrian, the other twin, walked up to me before punching me right in the stomach, I doubled over instantly. Feeling the sting in my slightly healed back. "I know you... You were publicly flogged only two days ago." God I hate this guy. "I also have it on good authority, that you openly spoke out against our rules and regulations in yesterday's class." My head shot down the line slightly to see Erin, looking a little frightened, her mate, the beta to be was looking at her, nodding his head in reassurance. "You traitor, you grassed on your own kind?" I yelled at her before feeling a fist connect with my cheek. My head whipped to the side from the force, while my class members gasped. I'm so done with this treatment, right then, I wasn't in charge of my actions. My fists curled up and my stance became a lot more defensive. My head snapped up to the alpha to be, and I looked him in the eye. "You don't know the meaning of the word disrespect." I suddenly hurled my fist towards his head, which he easily dodged, but my foot came up and kicked him instead. He stumbled backwards from the force with wide eyes. "You... you Actually hit me!" He didn't even sound annoyed, more shocked. Everyone in the hallway was watching, waiting for the alpha to do something but instead he simply stood up straight, regaining his composure. "I think everyone should get back to class." He began to walk away, following his sister when I called him back. "What about Nick?!" "Simple, He's my sisters mate. He now belongs to her." Argh, he's not an object. "He's not her property." A chuckle left his mouth, before turning his back to me again. "All humans are property." A short while later everyone made it to science class, our teacher Mrs Mathews is mated to the lycans pack doctor, she also now has a four and two year old with him. She was one of the first humans to be cohered into a false relationship. "What were you thinking young lady?" I rolled my head at her before looking at the empty seat next to mine. Nick was with that stvpid wolf girl right now. Being changed, I'm so angry it's ridiculous. "I was thinking, this guy is being a prick. Did you hear him? 'All humans are property.' It's bull shet." I looked up and the whole class looked at me like I had three heads. Talking shet about wolves is one thing, but talking about an alpha is punishable by death, attacking an alpha is an even worse offense. There was then a knock at the door and in walked Erin and her band of mated bestards. "Sorry we're late Mrs." "Erin, how are things between you and bata Monroe?" She blushed, the traitor actually blushed at the mention of his name. "He spoke to me last night about trying for a baby. We need a good strong boy to take over as beta." I scoffed looking at her as she took her seat. "You guys are actually pathetic, why can't it be a girl? Those mutts are basically Neanderthals" I voiced my opinion and saw all the shocked faces around me. Calling the lycans mutts, is the same as them calling us scum. After lesson had ended the entire school was called into the hall for assembly. This is where any human who has been found to have broken the rules were punished, usually 10 lashings were goven out or something similar. "Welcome to the school assembly, congratulations to the alpha twins for finding both your mates. Now on to the business at hand, as the 5 year anniversary of the new world is coming up, we have been informed that the alpha king will be visiting our district next week, this is very exciting news. We want you all to look your absolute best, she wolves and mated females will wear exemplary dresses made by seamstress. Male wolves and mated men will wear tailored suits. Anyone who doesn't comply will be reprimanded." The Alpha King?! No one has met him yet, he took over the throne three years ago when he turned 18. He really didn't make any appearances though, great, this month is going to be a nightmare. "As for the humans, you will be given a new uniform to wear for the visit, these are to be neatly ironed and worn to the highest standard. As for the following humans, based on your attitude this past week, you will be coming to the front and facing punishment. Tony summerset?!" Tony's head shot up as he looked around, he was in the year below but he shared my views when it came to the lycans. He slowly walked up to the front of assembly, almost instantly his top was t0rn in two and he received 10 lashings. A girl named Kara was next and she too received 10 lashings. A few more people went up slowly accepting their fate then suddenly my name was called. "Dylan Riley." Inside I was terrified but I simply shrugged my shoulders, I guess I did kind of expect this. Although I'm not sure if my back can take any more damage. "You attacked an alpha, correct!" His eyes bored into mine as I bowed my head submitting to his authority. "Technically, no." Everyone in the school gym looked on in fear, as my head moved to the front row of the wolf side. Adrian sat, with a werewolf girl in the year below, her name was Jana, I guess he found his mate. Nick and Arya were no where to be seen though. Adrian gave me a shrug as if to say he didn't tell, before smirking at my comment. "He hasn't officially taken the alpha title yet, so he's just..." i looked at the principle and noticed his eyes black and his claws out, he was in what lycans call a half shift, triggered when the subject has become angered. He turned to two security wolves and gave them a nod, Almost immediately i was forced onto my knees, my arm was slammed on a table and held in place by one wolf, while my body was held in place by the other. "Ok, I don't think this is needed, I have alpha blood, a stvpid human girl can't hurt me." My head snapped to Adrian who had stood up in front of the school to stop what was happening. "Nevertheless, humans need to know their place." With that the pressure on my arm increased as our principals hand pulled my sleeve up before a long claw punctured my skin. The searing pain shoting from the fresh wound had my eyes scrunched and my fist clenched, I bit the inside of my cheek hard instantly tasting blood, however no sound left my mouth. He continued to write, using my skin as a canvas and his claws as a marker, it went on forever, my vision blurred slightly at one point as I turned my head away. After minutes of torture, he was done and the pressure on my arm eased, instantly I snatched my arm away, hissing through my teeth at the pain. I was about to scurry off stage, when I was roughly grabbed yet again, my arm being held in the air by the principal while my feet were inches off the floor, blood dripped from the wound and the pattern he had made was on show for everyone to see. Loads of people gasped, even the wolves looked slightly horrified at what had happened. "This is what happens when a human decides to speak out. I can promise, anyone who so much as says one word about our way of life, will have the same punishment." My arm was starting to seriously ache from being held in the air for so long, and the lack of blood flow to my suspended arm was causing me pins and needles, still I refused to make a sound. I held the tears back and I bit my cheek harder causing more blood to fill my mouth. "That's enough Bradley!" Adrian growled, he was still stood up and looking at the scene in front of him. His eyes hard as he stared at the principal a low warning growl erupted from his chest which had the head teacher gulping, he quickly let go of my arm causing me to crash to the floor. A small cry left my mouth as I hit the hard floor. Immediately I scrambled away, my foot just missed the high step leading to the stage and I fell, waiting for the impact of the ground, but it never came. Two strong arms wrapped around me catching my weak body causing me to look up, my eyes widened as I noticed Adrian had caught my falling form. "This isn't part of the human punishment program!" Adrian growled causing me to tense in his grip, I pushed him away from me before fixing my uniform top. The room was deadly silent, taking in the scene in front of them, while I stole a glance at my forearm. Carved into my skin by his devastating claws were two words, words that would most definitely scar my body for life. 'Human scum' "Lessons must be learned, she received lashing merely two days ago, and clearly it had no effect on her." Another growl left Adrian's chest as he stepped on to the stage, I wasn't bothered though, you would think I'd be ashamed but I simply smiled slightly. I fixed my sleeve a little so it wouldn't rub on the fresh wound before speaking. "It doesn't matter," the whole room looked at me shocked by my attitude. "I would rather be labeled human scum, than have any resemblance to your kind. I'm proud of what I am, how many of you can say that?" After my amazing little speech, I walked right down the middle between the humans and lycans and out the door. No more compliance, I'm going to get away with as much as I can without getting into too much bother. There will come a day when the lycans power will fizzle out. When it does I'll be ready, I'll be waiting for the day we take our world back. As for the best part about my plan...

No one can stop me.

"Ouch, not so hard." I seethed as the school nurse cleaned my new wound with antiseptic. "If you had of just kept your mouth shut, this wouldn't have happened." I turned to my right looking out the window at the few clouds that were floating in the blue sky. "Like I said, I'm proud to be human, and now everyone knows what I am." I clenched my fist together as the nurse began wrapping a bandage around my forearm. It had been a good few hours since the incident in the hall, and I had been forced to come to the nurces office after I had tried to clean my wound by splashing it with water from the tap, it also refused to stop bleeding. "You are impossible. Can you please just try and stay out of trouble? For one day, that's all I ask." Our school nurse is a wolf, she's one of them. However she hates the way they treat us mere humans, she thinks we should all just live in peace with equal rights. Like that would ever happen. "All I've done is stay out of trouble, but you are just going to humiliate me anyway, so what's the actual point?" "The pack were discussing a public execution, Dylan. You need to walk on egg shells from now on, not just for you but for your family as well." No ones been publicly executed in over 4 months, I'm flattered they're considering it. They only execute people who they believe are the biggest problems to society. "Well then... I'm flattered." I chuckled, before looking at the patch job. 'Huh, not too shabby.' I quickly stood up from the human nursing station and pulled the sleeve of my shirt down covering the evidence of ever being hurt. "This is serious!" I just gave her a blank look before leaving the room. On the way out I heard her call back to me. "Please just think about it." I gave a clipped nod as I walked away wondering how I'm going to tell my mom about this. Later in the evening... "Dilly why you say that?" Freddie looked up at me with a mouth full of bread. "Don't speak with your mouthful!" My mom scolded him as a bashful blush made its way to his cheeks. "Sowwy mommy." His reply was muffled as he swallowed the last chunk of food. "I said it Freddie, because it's the truth. The wolf race are a pathetic excuse for..." my mom cut me off with an extremely stern look. "Dylan! They have ears everywhere, one more word out of you and it's your room." I scowled, my hatred for the Lycan kind growing stronger as each day passes. "What more can they do to me, lash me? Beat me? Brand me? They've ran out of options." I stated slamming my hands down, then severely regretting it as sharp pain shot though my wound. "What was that?" My head shot to regard my mothers worried expression. Her eyebrows were raised and her eyes were dull and judging as she looked at me. "Nothing, it was nothing." I quickly took my plate in my hand and began to walk to the kitchen. "I'm not really hungry, and I have homework to do!" My mom caught hold of my forearm causing me to drop my plate suddenly, I watched it slowly fall before shattering on the floor. I retracted my arm quickly and turned to Freddie. "Stay there and don't move until it's cleaned up ok sport?" He just nodded with wide eyes, I turned back to my mom and noticed her curious stare on my arm. Her grip shifted to the other side as she turned it around before pulling my sleeve up. The bandage was showing and a bit of blood was seeping though after the wound had been disturbed. "What the hel happened?" My moms eyes widened as she began to fumble with the bandage. Before she could unravel any of it I snatched my arm away. "I had an accident at school. No big." I began to gather the large pieces of the broken plate up ready to put them in the bin. "What did you do Dylan?" She looked at me with pure worry and only then did I realize what the wound must look like to someone who didn't know. "For gods sake! I didn't do it to myself! I got publicly punished at the assembly alright? It's no big deal." Her face dropped instantly and she stepped towards me, causing me to step backwards. "Mom, I'm ok. So back off will you." "What did you do? I've never known them to cut someone's arm as a punishment." Her shock and accusation was evident in her voice and I sighed heavily. "I spoke against the alphas son." I may have hit him too, but I wasn't going to divulge that part to her. "It's not one big cut, mom, it's a brand, 'human scum' carved onto my arm." "They've branded you now too?!" My eyes rolled at her hurt tone as I went to get the dustpan and brush. "You're so much like your father." A sigh left her mouth as she spoke, running a hand through her hair, while I quickly swept up the little pieces of the broken plate. "You've had a new uniform delivered. It's laid out on your bed. Dylan, Please just try and stay respectful in the future, I don't want my daughter to be completely mutilated. Although you're not far off." "Gee, Thanks." I then walked over to my little brother Freddy before blowing a kiss into his neck and hearing him giggle. "So sport, how's school going?" "It's ok." He shrugged before going back to coloring a dinosaur picture in. "Well that's good, stay out of trouble, ok little man?" Heading upstairs and into my room, my thoughts wandered to the permanent graffiti scar very slowly healing on my arm. Disgusting beasts. Think they own the world because they're faster, stronger and can shift. Pah. If you ask me they are not all that.

The second I walked into my room my mouth dropped open. On my bed was some grey pants laid out neatly, which wasn't the surprising part, no, what shocked me was the grey high neck no sleeved button down shirt, every single set of uniform had sleeves except this one. They've done this on purpose those, mutts. They want the world to see my arm and know what a disgusting creature I am. They want the world to know that I, Dylan Riley, am nothing more than 'human scum'.

During the last week, I've been horrible, in class I've been loud in voicing my views, I've insulted at least everyone to some degree, I didn't care about the consequences, and I certainly didn't think about them. I haven't seen Nick at all since he was claimed, and to make matters worse today was the royal visit. Oh yes, werewolves and mated humans alike were spending every waking minute preparing themselves to meet his royal majesty, king of the wolves. Unclaimed Humans however would rather stick pins in their eyes. "Dylan, get down now... you're going to be late." She was right, I was dawdling this morning, I really couldn't be bothered today, I gave myself one last look in the small mirror and sighed when my eyes met my newly uncovered brand. It had bad bruising around the letters, and was still extremely tender to touch, it was definitely healing now though. I made my way down the stairs and came face to face with my mother who was seeing to Freddie, she was helping my brother get his coat on when she turned to me. "You ready sport?" Freddie nodded his little head at me and smiled while I quickly slid my shoes on. "Just Remember, the alpha is bad enough, Dylan, please, please don't do anything to anger the king." My mother stopped us from walking out the door to tell me something she had been telling me continuously for the last couple of days, it was almost as if the entire human population of our district was expecting me to do something stvpid. "Try and have a good day." I rolled my eyes but nodded, even I know not to push the king, he could kil me in the hallway like it was nothing. In fact I plan on staying out of his way for the entirety of the day. "We will see you tonight mom." I stated before me and my brother began our walk to school, his little hand clutched my own tightly as we went. Usually Nick would be with us, as he lives next door, well he used to, now he's residing in the main pack house. I quickly dropped Freddie off at his school and watched him get the wolfsbane neutralizer before walking into him building giving me a small wave before he went in. With my new scar on complete show, and my figure being complimented by the skin tight shirt I was wearing, I sauntered down the street to school, I gave my name and year in and took the wolf's bane neutralizer injection with no problems at all. It was finally getting into school that the problem occurred. Walking through the halls I was met by many looks, some of pity some of disgust. You see every single non mated human in the school was wearing a long sleeved version of the uniform I was given. All the Wolves and mated couples were scattered around in fancy floor length dresses or tailored suits. As I turned the corner I noticed a couple, now this couple happened to catch my eye the most out of all of them because it consisted of Arya and Nick, eating each other's faces off. "What the hel!" Nicks head shot to me as his eyes widened. He too was dressed in a tailored suit, a navy blue tie hung on his neck to match Aryas dress. Why was this happening all the time? It's always my friends that get completely brain washed. I shook my head in disbelief before turning my back on him. I heard his fast footsteps behind me as I rounded the corner. "Dylan?!" He ran right in front of me, stopping me in my tracks, making me drop my bag off my shoulder and almost causing me to bump into him. "Let me just explain..." "Has she marked you?" I mean you could almost see it in his eyes, she had marked him, and knowing the way life goes he's probably even mated with her. "Actually... Don't even answer that." I aggressively picked my bag up off of the floor and stormed off down the hall. "Dylan, just listen to me, Erin was right, it's so hard to resist your soulmate, and Arya is actually ok once you get to know her." I just kept walking, he caught up to me walking beside me but it didn't matter, I completely ignored everything and everyone. 'I'm so not in the mood today' getting into class was good though, I said hello to Mr Foley and took my usual seat. Nick sighed then took his bag off ready to sit next to me, but I snapped before he had the chance. "Traitors and mated idiots sit on that side of the room." I didn't look him in the eye as I pointed to a seat right at the front of the classroom on the opposite side. His eyes widened as he turned his attention back to me. "You can't be serious Dylan." I gave him a blank look before grabbing my book out of my backpack, I placed it on the desk then began to write the date on the top line. "I've sat in this seat for as long as I can remember." I ignored him, his voice sounded sad and shocked. "Dylan? Wait! What is that?!" Before I could react Nick had grabbed hold of my branded arm and turned it to see the letters. "Oh my God! What happened?" I snatched my arm away from him and shrugged as I continued to write in my book before grabbing my water bottle out of my bag. "The principal happened, it was my punishment for speaking out against Adrian and Arya. I wear it with pride." He just held a complete look of disbelief. "You spoke out against them?" I shrugged, what did he think I'd do. "It's no secret that I despise this stvpid new world and the mutts that control it. You were my friend, I wasn't going to let them just take you without saying something, although that is exactly what you seem to have done. Enjoy the view from your new seat!" "Don't be like that, Dylan, I'm your best friend, I'm sorry about your arm, but..." my eyes rolled inside my head at my friends words. "Anything with the word 'but' in, isn't an apology, it's a rationalization." I took a drink of water from my bottle and kept my eyes facing forward, ignoring his every attempt to try and talk to me. "Dylan?.. Dylan?... Do you know what? Erin is right, if you push us all away you won't have any friends left." He huffed before walking over to the empty seat and sitting down, I could feel him glancing up at me every now and again but I didn't respond. "Good morning class, please settle down." He looked at me then at Nick and frowned, we've never sat apart, we were friends before the new world even began. I just shook my head telling him to forget it. "So... as you know the king will be arriving in a short while, but until then lessons will go on as normal." Its funny seeing teachers in the same uniform your wearing, mr Foley and his wife are the coolest. Human teachers and doctors only have slightly more respect than we do. Because of Mr Foley's status him and his wife have better access to food and drink, Mrs Foley is cool, sometimes she even makes sure mr Foley brings some in for me. Ya know, coz I'm their favorite student. It's not in a weird way, it's just they were friends of the family before the new wold took effect. Mr Foley and my dad were buddies from high school, so it goes without sayin really. "All the mated humans will be at the front of each years line again, after that you will all be placed in status, Nick, as your mated to Alpha Arya, you'll be at the front of your line. Dylan as you have been branded..." his voice trailed off as he looked at me. "Yeah yeah, I'll be at the back of the line behind everyone. I get it." I huffed, moving my sight towards the window once more. "I am sorry." I turned to face Mr Foley again, he looked genuinely upset and that look of pity wasn't something I wanted to see. I gave him a clipped nod then turned away again. "Anyway, on to the subject matter, 'Of Mice and Men, page 64, Nick why don't you start us off with the reading."

"Of course sir." Nick began reading the book but I switched off, today is going to be a long day. After almost an hour and a half of reading comprehension, the bell chimed signaling lunch. I shot up and out of the classroom before anyone could say anything. Today, I was avoiding drama like the plague.

I wandered the corridors straight to the lunch hall. All the people I would normally hang out with we're all mated so I grabbed my lunch quickly, and sat down at the end of the human table. Let me lay the lunch hall out for you. On one side of the room you have two long rows of tables, with simple benches that make it look like prison, on the other side of the room you have multiple round tables with fancy chairs. Yup you get it. The humans sit at the prison tables and the wolves and traitors sit on the fancy tables, they get fancy food, fancy drink and most importantly they get pudding. what I would give to have some pudding. "Dylan can we just talk?" Nick quickly took the spot next to me as he set his lunch tray down. I looked at his food which had been placed on a ceramic, circular white plate. God that looked good. I sighed knowing he was going to talk anyway. "Fine, you have two minutes." I used my fork to take a bit of pasta off his plate and shoved it into my mouth. God that was good. "After I left school, I was taken to the pack house with Arya, and I really got to know her. It took a few days for me to finally accept being with her, but ever since life has been ok, and the sax... well that's a whole other story." Eww, I didn't need that mental image in my head. "I'm glad your happy." I stated before deciding I had no appetite. His face held shock before he sighed in relief. "That means a lot Dylan, I mean you know that your opinion matters to me." I cut him off before he could say anything else. "I said I was glad your happy. I didn't say I approved of what you've done. You've basically turned into one of THEM, I can't ever forgive you for that." He looked hurt, but I couldn't care less about his feelings. He placed his hand gently on my arm and went to open his mouth when a growl sounded out. All heads whipped to where it came from, Arya was stood holding a glass of soda and a plate, she was looking right at me and Nick and I would totally be dead if looks could kil. Nick quickly retracted his hand, his whole face fell and you could see sorrow flood his irises. "You sit with me now, get away from that, that... scum!" Wow, Nick was such a lucky guy. NOT. "You heard her. Get away from me, go sit with your new friends. I'm happy for you, and I understand where your coming from, but don't come up to me again and pretend you didn't betray your own kind. Don't pretend you didn't betray me." I shoved a little bit of food into my mouth before standing up and walking out of the cafeteria, leaving my tray on the table. I was walking through the hallway to the classroom, you see I decided to spend lunch with Mr Foley in his room, when I happened to hear voices in the corridor. "Is it wise for her to actually be present when the king arrives? Surely she could be placed in the dungeons, it might actually teach her some respect?" My principal was speaking to the alpha of our district, huh, if I stayed and listened do you think they'd notice, maybe they could smell me?! "Everyone is to be present, if the Riley girl does one thing out of line she will be dealt with severely, child or not. That girl has been a blight to the district since day one, she's dangerous, if she puts one hair out of place I will personally break her into submission." Oh shet, they were talking about me specifically, and they mentioned the dungeon, that's not been used in months. Normally I would have listened in more but something about the entire situation didn't sit right with me, all of a sudden, I was on edge, and simply wasn't interested in the slightest in hearing how my misery was to be enhanced. I backed up slightly before turning around and bumping head first into one of the hottest man I had ever seen. I lost my balance immediately and fell straight on to the floor letting out a small grumble in the process. His eyebrows knitted together quickly and his breath hitched in his throat as he looked upon my fallen state and gasped. "Mate!" He whispered, his eyes fixated on mine. Now, I had seen and heard that many times to know what that means, I gasped before taking a step back. 'No, no, no, no, no. This can not be happening.' He growled slightly before stepping towards me. Oh Shet!

[check my other updates for some context]
i failed by 4 points. i have to redo the entire year over ONE CLASS, and get another 100k into debt. i worked so hard to make friends, and after finally starting to get close to others, WHICH TOOK SO MUCH EFFORT, it seems all of the connections i made are as good as gone. i broke up w my partner bc i was made to feel absolutely unlovable and worthless, and they already moved on to dating others while im in the dust. i gained 40 pounds from the stress over this past year, so i cant even leave the house without feeling like a monster. i cant help but blame myself for all of this, and its true. but i dont want to be a self pitying sad sack either, i want to do something about it.
everyone else is traveling with friends and enjoying their 20s but i cant help but feel like the biggest garbage fire on the planet. my family is worried im going to hurt or kms (even though ive put on a tough face and havent been sad around them) so i cant even let them know how badly i feel or else theyre gonna freak out. theyve already been pressuring me to move back in with them and sacrafice the independence i was JUST able to experience at 23, and im worried i wont have a choice anymore. i barely had any friends from before med school, and i imagine less now bc i got so busy with my studies, i couldnt keep up. i feel like the worst person on the planet.
i dont know how everyone has this work study life balance figured out? i cant for the life of me! i dont have anyone to talk to, and no support system i can trust outside my cousin, and she has enough on her plate already... plus im ashamed to admit how much of a loser i am to her. i do want to die. but id feel guilty if i did, because my family is already dealing with alot of stress so i wouldnt want to add to that. not sure if you guys read my other posts but this downward spiral has been a long time coming. im sick of it. i want to turn things around but i feel so hopeless. i dont think anyone is going to read this, and i dont think ill ever share it w my loved ones. but honestly i dont think people turn to reddit unless theyre at that point. no where to turn, no where to go, no one who cares, even here in the void. i wish i was medicated again, but i havent been able to afford it. but maybe i can start somewhere...
here's what im thinking: im going to start by hitting the gym daily, now that i have time to do so. and im going to continue studying all summer to prepare for my retake exams, and my singular retake course. i have meetings all next week to get re-registered which is annoying but nessecary. i just hope i can post an update in a few months that isnt so pathetic, and have my life turned around by then. my birthday is coming up in august and im so scared im not gonna have anyone around me who cares that i exist. just like the past few years. but maybe thats what i deserve... i dont know. i gotta make a change now because this is driving me crazy.
do you guys have any suggestions to help me make the most out of this situation?? or at least to help with self esteem and self worth issues??? bc honestly the bad thoughts have become dehabilitating and im worried im going to relapse into a very dark place. thank you guys for taking the time to read this big word blob, and im sorry if its just me ranting or complaining. just had to get it out somewhere haha. im going to start my morning now and try to make the most of this summer. just bc i cry myself to sleep and first thing when i wake up DOESNT MEAN I GOTTA WASTE MY DAY DOING IT TOO 😂 bye for now, and any advice would be much appreciated!!

Well, yesterday I (15f) was at a birthday for my friend (16f) who turned 16. She wanted to celebrate from the evening before her birthday, up to the morning of her birthday, so we all came to her house at around 6 to 8pm. I arrived at her place at 7pm, just like some of our mutual friends. For the first hour, we just sat around talking, and joking around like always, just chilling and not really doing much. My friends family was also there, because she wanted to celebrate with her friends and family at the same time, which was alright, but a bit weird, because one of her uncles kept coming to me and one of my friends, getting very close, and he was obviously already pretty drunk. We just went somewhere else, so that was okay.
Now for context, I am 15 years old and I live in Germany, so its not illegal and not uncommon for people my age to drink alcohol. I am not much of a party person, I do attend parties, but I never drank alcohol and I am not getting drunk. My friends on the other hand are completely different, drinking so much, they dont even know where they are or whats going on.
Yesterday was no different. By 11pm, everyone, including my friends family was drunk. Most people seemed fine, the music was loud and everyone seemed happy and I was having fun with my friends too. The whole evening my friends have been offering me alcohol, and I dont mean like beer of stuff, they were trying to make me drink things like vodka shots. I always declined and people seemed fine with that at first, but the more drunk they got, the extremer they were trying to make me drink. Even the family of the friend began to try and force me to drink. I always politely said no, but they kept getting more and more forcefully. I eventually walked away from them and hung out with some of my friends and it was fine. They were really drunk, but still seemed to have normal cognitive functions and didn’t fall over everytime they get up.
One of my friends that was sitting next to me already had like 3 cups of a drink one of our friends mixed with contained a LOT of alcohol. She didn’t seem to well, so I asked her if she was okay and she told me, that she didn’t feel to well and probably had to throw up. I was already used to stuff like that, because usually I am the one caring for my friends at parties if they cant get home by themselves or feel sick. If grabbed her arm and pulled her up, pulling her with me into the house, going to the bathroom and pulling her inside, and sat her down next to the toilet, while grabbing a cup of water from the sink, so she could drink some. She immediately began throwing up into the toilet and I just stayed there, not really knowing what else to do but sit there and wait for it to he over and then clean her up a little and call her parents to come pick her up. When she was finished, I cleaned her face a little and gave her something to drink.
It was 2am by now, everyone was wasted by now, people were laying around the lawn and I didn’t really know what to do. I was the youngest one there and I‘m not very tall or strong, so I couldn’t really help anyone up. My friends were wasted and came over to me, kind of making fun of me for not drinking. I dont even know why they would say that? I know they probably only acted like that, because they were really drunk, but them constantly making fun of me in their drunken state was really annoying, especially because I was gonna have to be the one getting them into bed and the walking home by myself, which is dangerous as it is, because it was late at night and as I said, I am a shorter girl. They kept laughing at me, and I eventually had enough and just left.
I didn’t really tell anyone I left, because they were too drunk and wouldn’t notice anyways. I walked home and went to bed. The next morning I woke up to texts from my friends, asking where I was, telling me they didn’t feel well and asking me if I could come help them. I feel kinda bad, because I knew that they were probably really intoxicated. I also got a text from the friends whose birthday party it was and she told me, that I was an A-hole for just disappeared, because everyone was drunk and she thought I was gonna help a bit, because she knew I didn’t drink. I understand why she thought that, but I dont think its my responsibility to take care of anyone, because I was invited just like everyone else and its not my responsibility to take care of our older friends and her drunk family members. I feel a bit bad though, because they are still my friends and probably all felt really bad and no one could help them, because everyone else was just as drunk. Should I apologize now and AITAH?

Although capturing photos on Vivo x100 pro is magical. There are some following improvements (especially in portrait mode) I would like to see.
1) introduction of two new focal lengths 70 mm ( 85 mm loses its spark because main lense is digitally zoomed to it's max almost) and 125mm( addition of 25mm to the periscope it is fair enough and good enough). 150mm if they feeling generous😊
2) I would like see sharper photos. Right now portrait pictures are binned at 9MP from a 50mp camera.Bin it at around at least 12-15 MP. I would understand if the focal lengths change and they have to bin it, that is okay.
3) Better focus. Just a bit of movement and the camera loses focus. Huawei Pura 70 ultra is a good example of how to keep subjects in focus even if they are moving. It is okay if the picture takes more time to process. We all can live with that
4) Let AI process the hair. Although this is an extension of point 2. But, nonetheless I think it needs special attention. Especially in indoor lighting the hair just smudges most of the times.
5) Eye tracking and face tracking. Not just one. Even if you click the photo once they close the eyes. It should turn out with eyes open. I think this would be a unique point of selling mobiles as well. Because many good photos are deleted just because of this.