and over the course of these three days i’ve slept about 4 hours. i’ve been awake for about 32 hours at this point
ngl though they’ve kind of been the most productive 32 hours of my life
very much hoping this goes away as a side effect though. i’m taking half a 70mg tablet dissolved into water for 35mg
the goal is tonight i’ll crash and sleep for 12 hours and still be up by 9am to take it at a more normal time
always love to hear other people’s experience but i also just wanted to share

My life has been a living hell. All I want to do is be able to function and work and support myself and not wonder what is going to happen to me from one minute to the next. My crossing guard job is ending because it's summer break soon and I have been looking at jobs. I literally don't have the brain energy/cognitive capacity to do any fucking job at all. This was literally the only job I could handle. I can't do things for a long time. Meaning maybe an hour tops. I can't think much. I make tons of mistakes. I can't physically do a lot b cause it also takes from my limited brain energy. I've been forced into working because our lovely government doesn't consider a concussion a fucking disability. I have been fucked now for 14 months. Not looking any better. My abilities are not coming back. I pretty much become incapacitated as soon as I walk into any establishment with LED lights and noise and become severely mentally fatigued. But, since my injury is invisible I am fucked. How is this fucking OKAY!?!?!? I have severe memory problems. I have no energy. I become irritable and sleepy from doing next to nothing. Will this fucking shit ever go the fuck away. I'm fucking sick of living like this. I am dizzy 24 7. How is this fucking okay to treat people with the worst type of injury like they are FINE. If I went and got a job I would be fired in a heartbeat.

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So this is actually a reccurent issue for me. I meet a lot of cool ladies. I tend to keep my distance with all ladies actually regardless of how they identify but with hetero women I really keep quite a distance.
Ive just found there's less games and less confusion for me. But now with person x I feel like they are pushing the boundaries a little. And it's not that I don't think they are attractive but I just know when I talk to someone a lot who is attractive and i don't see them as a sister immediately (and in this case they've really availed themselves to me) I tend to start feeling things.
How can I pull back from this casual acquaintance slash working relationship without loosing a valuable career contact and a casual but friendly connection. And not be tempted by them making themselves so available to me. They have a person and they are straight (okay I've heard a rumor otherwise but what are rumors).
I've gotten entangled with someone like this before where I worked with them (they approached me to work with them) I said yes and in the course of working with them felt my feelings. Tried to pull away but they also really availed themselves to me and I couldn't resist. It was just an emotional connection but I was also really dev'd when it seemed to have ended or they got bored of me.
I just want peace in my life. 🤣

So this is actually a reccurent issue for me. I meet a lot of cool ladies. I tend to keep my distance with all ladies actually regardless of how they identify but with hetero women I really keep quite a distance.
Ive just found there's less games and less confusion for me. But now with person x I feel like they are pushing the boundaries a little. And it's not that I don't think they are attractive but I just know when I talk to someone a lot who is attractive and i don't see them as a sister immediately (and in this case they've really availed themselves to me) I tend to start feeling things.
How can I pull back from this casual acquaintance slash working relationship without loosing a valuable career contact and a casual but friendly connection. And not be tempted by them making themselves so available to me. They have a person and they are straight (okay I've heard a rumor otherwise but what are rumors).
I've gotten entangled with someone like this before where I worked with them (they approached me to work with them) I said yes and in the course of working with them felt my feelings. Tried to pull away but they also really availed themselves to me and I couldn't resist. It was just an emotional connection but I was also really dev'd when it seemed to have ended or they got bored of me.
I just want peace in my life. 🤣

I'm writing this post as a wake-up call to anyone who might be treading down the path I just stumbled off. When I first got to UCLA, I was swept up in the excitement and freedom of college life. I thought I could handle partying a few nights a week while keeping my grades up. Spoiler alert: I couldn't.
My first quarter was a blast—late nights, new friends, endless events. But as the fun increased, my GPA plummeted. I told myself I could catch up, that I was just acclimating to the new lifestyle, but deep down I knew I was in trouble.
By the end of my second quarter, reality hit hard. I was placed on academic probation, and the weight of what I had done crashed down on me. Now, with a wrecked GPA and a transcript that looks like a cautionary tale, I feel absolutely listless and hollow. The parties that seemed so essential are just bitter memories.
To all my fellow Bruins, especially the incoming freshmen and those who love a good party—please learn from my mistakes. UCLA offers so many opportunities for growth, success, and yes, fun. But don't let the latter steal away everything else. Balance is key, and without it, you're setting yourself up for a tough recovery.
Take care of your future; it’s the only one you get. Don’t sacrifice your potential for fleeting moments of fun. See what lasts and what doesn't. Nothing ultimately lasts, but somethings last longer than others do. Partying and being gregarious are some of the most transient things I've come to realize for myself. Rember why you came to UCLA in the first place, and do what lasts.

@Mods delete if this breaks any rule.
Idk what has got into me me today. I woke up extremely sad, was making coffee and I started crying. I was getting sad thinking how helpless I am that I can't stop crying even though tgere was no particular reason to cry. I was trying to find a reason, I could not. My cat, maybe sensed something, just sat beside me cooing and purring. That cheered me for a little bit but then I bursted into loud cries thinking she will pass away someday and how I'll miss her. Usually when I am sad, I call my mother. But both my mom and dad are fighting these days and I feel like they don't bother much on my mental health and if I call my mom, she'll complain about my dad and vice versa. My husband is in back to back meetings. I don't know what to do. I feel my heart shrinking with sadness and can't control my tears. And this Bangalore's gloomy weather today is not helping
I have never felt like this before. I feel miserable that I can't control my feelings at all. Its not mood swings, and its not even PMS time, so I know its not that.

What happened to VPR in your bio and what's going on? (Timestamp: 2:04) - Scheana: So to be honest, my sister does all of my links and that stuff on Instagram for me. I didn't even notice that it was taken out of my bio until everyone else did. I think maybe when she put the Sweet and Sour song in, she took out VPR because there were too many things in my bio. - Scheana: Also, for 11 years, I've never had anything VPR in my bio until we were nominated for an Emmy. James Kennedy and I worked together the day we found out and we're like, who could put it in their bio faster? What emoji should we use? - Scheana: And we both put it in our bio and then lo and behold, we didn't win the Emmy. And what was it? Emmy nominated VPR was in my bio for, I think just around the Emmy time and then my sister took it out. - Scheana: So literally no other rhyme or reason, nothing else going on there. It just, too many things in the bio just make it a little too cluttered looking and you know, I'm OCD. So I guess she just wanted to keep it clean.
Do you wish you guys have been able to break the fourth wall more? Are there any moments from past seasons where you wish that it happened? (Timestamp: 3:22) - Scheana: Yes, honestly, I think that is so interesting when you're watching a reality show and they talk about the show on the show. - Scheana: They do this on Kardashians. They do this on the D'Amelio show. And I just think that makes the reality even more real because there are things that happen in press on Watch What Happens Live at the reunion last year. - Scheana: There are things that you want to address where you have to say like, oh, well the last time we were in New York together, I noticed they were doing that on the first episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey. And we used to do that all the time on the show. Sometimes you just want to be like, look at the reunion last year, but you have to say like, well the last time we all got together. - Scheana: And it's just easier and I think it makes sense if you just say, well, you said this on Watch What Happens Live, not I heard you said. And so I do hope moving forward with the way our season ended that we're able to have more moments like that because I think it just adds to our reality. And there have been so many things in the past. - Scheana: I can't even think off the top of my head, but yeah, many moments where I wish we could just talk about the show on the show. But I also understand why they don't like to do that. And I think it's only really meant for important moments. So, hopefully there is a season 12 and maybe we see a little more of that.
How are you feeling after Reunion 1 aired? (Timestamp: 4:56) - Scheana: Well, I have not looked on anything said on social media. I felt like watching the episode, it was a pretty good one. I think the next two are gonna be definitely more dramatic from what I remember. I feel like I tend to emotionally blackout after Reunion days. - Scheana: And I'm like, wait, what happened? What did we say? And then we have to watch it back. But that's the beauty of reality TV is you gotta watch back your life, the good, the bad, the cringe, all of it.
Is there anything you wish we got to see this season but didn't? (Timestamp: 5:35) - Scheana: There are a few things, but there's also a secrets revealed episode that is going to air, I believe only on Peacock, after the third part of the reunion the following week. - Scheana: So you'll see some new interview bites. We did some doubles there, which is really fun. And you'll see some scenes that didn't make it in. - Scheana: One of them is my sister's birthday and Valley Brat launch party. So that was a really fun day. Almost the entire cast was there. Katie and Tori were there. And I'm excited to see that. I haven't seen it yet, but I know that that's one of the scenes that we should be seeing. Stay tuned.
Anything you wish you said at the reunion that you didn't get a chance to say? (Timestamp: 6:20) - Scheana: I haven't seen the last two episodes of The Reunion yet, so I'm not sure what all will be included. You'll have to ask me again in two weeks.
What are you planning to do on the VPR break? (Timestamp: 6:34) - Scheana: Reflect, grow, learn. I'm going to be working on a dream project of mine this summer, so I'm very, very excited about having time to do that and not figuring out how I'm going to juggle that with filming five days a week. I'm going to get to enjoy a summer off for the first time in like 12 years and the first time as a mom. So I'm really looking forward to having some downtime focusing on some other projects. - Scheana: Summer starts preschool and yeah, it'll just be nice to finish getting stuff done in our house. We're almost fully furnished, not completely yet. We still got some tweaks and add some little accent pieces, need some artwork in the living room, but I'm just excited to have time with the family and in the new house. - Scheana: And as crazy as it sounds being in the desert in the summer, I love being in Palm Springs. Even if it is 120 degrees outside, there's just something about my house. It's so peaceful. - Scheana: And now that we have Lala next door, I mean, we have both of our houses close to each other, but we'll definitely be out there a bunch this summer.
How do we feel about the next season being on hold? (Timestamp: 7:55) - Scheana: I think this break is needed. Honestly, I think it is the smartest decision to not jump right back in to another season like we did after Scandoval. I don't think enough time had passed. And I feel like if we gave it a little more time to breathe, things would have been a lot different. - Scheana: But I don't know, maybe we needed to jump back in as soon as possible to capture what was still happening. But for right now, after that reunion and how dramatic the season ended, and as you guys know, we all watched the last part of the finale together in front of each other for the first time, which was extremely emotional. I feel like all of us need a little bit of an emotional break. - Scheana: Some from each other, some from the cameras. I need a couple more EMDR sessions before I go back into another season. But I think giving us some time off to let some new story build up, follow some of the projects that we've been working on. - Scheana: And yeah, I think it is very needed and I think it'll be good in the end. I didn't know how I felt about it in the beginning, but the more I've sat with it, I'm like, yeah, this is the right decision.
What did you make of Ariana voting No It's Done on that IG fan poll asking do you think there will be a season 12 of VPR? (Timestamp: 9:18) - Scheana: Well, as her friend, I fully support her pursuing her dreams. I always have. I've said that multiple times. It's like if VPR and reality TV no longer serve her, then on to the next thing. She's going back to Broadway. She's doing Love Island. - Scheana: She has so many amazing things lined up. I don't even know what else is in the pipeline for her, but I'm sure many more amazing things. So if it's time to move on, it's like I completely get it. - Scheana: As her coworker, if this is true, I mean, it's kind of frustrating that she would advocate for the end of a work project that is a big part of my business and what Lala and I as moms do to support our families. - Scheana: So that's what's tricky too with this show is our life is our job and our job is our life. And as a friend, I understand and respect boundaries. As your coworker, there can be moments where it's frustrating. So that's how I feel about that.
What are your hopes for season 12? (Timestamp: 10:40) - Scheana: Well, I hope that we have one. First of all, the finale did feel very series ending, but I think it also opens up the door for a new beginning. I think there are still so many stories to be told among this group. - Scheana: And maybe with ending the season with the fourth wall breaking down, maybe that opens up the door to more of that for hopefully season 12. I think we have a really interesting story to tell moving forward. And I think there's going to be a lot left to tell.
How do you feel about Ariana not watching the season? (Timestamp: 15:28) - Scheana: Look, I get that it can be difficult to watch back sometimes. And I am a person who season six did not wanna watch back that relationship. And that relationship with Rob doesn't even compare to her relationship with Sandoval. - Scheana: So I understand she was busy, she was working, she was living in her happy bubble in New York, doing Chicago, and probably didn't wanna let anything get into her orbit, burst her bubble. I did the same thing when I was doing my show in Las Vegas. And I was performing every night on stage. - Scheana: I didn't want any of that going into me going on stage. So I get not wanting to disturb your peace. It's like she was literally living her dream at the moment that the show was airing. - Scheana: But with that being said, she wasn't watching the season, but she was keeping up on social media. And that's the thing that's hard for me because she's seen clips. And I know this does get addressed later in the reunion. - Scheana: I don't know what will air. I just remember speaking about it. But she was basing her perception off of fan clips and commentary. Like I know she even said on Watch What Happens Live that one of the things that hurt her the most was seeing the backup dancer comment I made. - Scheana: And in context that was honestly never meant to be shady. It was a cheeky comment where I'm actually like making fun of myself. I mean, I am not Beyonce, okay? It was a joke. But for her to say that really hurt her, I'm like, damn girl, like I didn't mean it in that way. - Scheana: But if you did watch the whole season and Andy asked her, did you see the conversation Scheana had with Sandoval? I felt like that conversation, I was having her back. I was advocating for her and her mental health and the things that he had done that were wrong outside of the affair. - Scheana: She never even watched that. She says that she lived the show, so she didn't need to watch it back. But there were all of the moments that she wasn't there for that I do wish she watched back because I think she would have a bigger picture of how I was being a good friend to her. - Scheana: So for her and Katie to say that they felt like I was a better friend to Sandoval this season, I definitely don't think I was a better friend to Sandoval. I don't think I was a good friend to Sandoval at all. Did I treat him like a human? Sure.
Is Summer Moon's half sister really named Winter Sky? (Timestamp: 22:51) - Scheana: No, I think someone online made that up. It's been circulating. That is not her middle name. It's not for me to say what her middle name is, but it's absolutely not Sky or anything close to that or seasonal.
Why do you think Katie spoke one way about Ariana off camera versus on camera? Do you think it was because she wanted to protect Ariana's feelings or was she worried about the backlash from the fans if she said anything critical about Ariana? (Timestamp: 24:36) - Scheana: I don't necessarily think it's either. I think it was and has been a business decision for them to remain a united front. They've made a lot of money on something about her. - Scheana: So I get, you know, not wanting to affect their business and I fully support that. I know what Lala said at the reunion, she felt that Katie was being fake by acting one way on camera and different behind the scenes. But I mean, I think Katie was probably prioritizing her brand as she was making, you know, probably more from that than from the show. - Scheana: So as a friend, I understand and respect the business decision. But you know, again, as a coworker, it's frustrating when you're not living your truth. So I get it. - Scheana: But it's like, we all show up and do the uncomfortable stuff. And when others aren't, it is frustrating. And if you do act differently on and off camera, you're probably going to get called out for it. - Scheana: So you should be prepared. If you say something on a phone call, just like Brock said something to Lala in private season nine, you know, just because it's off camera doesn't mean it's not going to get brought up on camera. So being authentic always is the only way to be on reality TV, honestly.
Don you see Lala's hypocrisy when it comes to her critique of Ariana's boundary needs, like Randall? (Timestamp: 29:34) - Scheana: I think it's different situations. Honestly, Lala and Randall weren't coworkers. If Randall had been on the show, I think it would be a different story.
How do you feel about Lala saying you were living in the comments section? (Timestamp: 29:50) - Scheana: I think it's more the concept that I let public perception get to me as I really don't spend a lot of time in the comments section. I read the first 20 to 30, as those are usually people I follow and friends, and then I'll see the next couple, but once there's a negative one, I'm like, okay, let's put this away. - Scheana: So it's like if I did fully live in the comments section, it would not be good for my mental health. And I mean, of course I care when people are mad at me. I'm a people pleaser as we know, but I'm also working on that.
Do you agree with LVP that a Lala and Schwartz coupling would be a beautiful thing? (Timestamp: 30:29) - Scheana: No.
Do you agree with Lala that Ariana got cheated on and then made it her whole personality? (Timestamp: 30:31) - Scheana: No, I don't agree with that either. If anyone has made it their personality, that would be more fitting of the other woman involved.
What do you think happened in NYC with Jax, Tom and Victoria after Watch It Happens Live? (Timestamp: 30:54) - Don't know, don't care.
Why aren't you and Sandoval talking much now? (Timestamp: 31:00) - Scheana: I mean, Sandoval and I haven't talked much in over a year since pre Sandoval, so nothing really has changed.
Tom said in a recent interview that he's not getting a redemption arc, but a re humanizing. Do you agree? (Timestamp: 31:14) - Scheana: I mean, whatever it is, I think he probably blew it. And even just watching him on Watch What Happens Live this season, it's like, yeah, you really haven't changed, buddy. - Scheana: You know, I did try to do what Scheana always does and see the tiny bit of good still left and the soul still there, but yeah, you know, whatever
If Tom told LVP that he was suicidal, why was he still filming? Did she get him help? (Timestamp: 31:47) - Scheana: That is a great question. You'll have to ask her that. From what I know, if he was feeling that way during filming, he would have to be in therapy and like talking to a psychiatrist regularly. But yeah, I don't know too much else about that.
Now that the dust has settled, do you think Tom made you look dumb? Do you regret it? (Timestamp: 32:08) - Scheana: I wouldn't give him that much power, TBH. If you think I looked dumb, it was my own doing. I don't regret any of my actions. I don't regret trying to still see some good in someone who had been a very good friend to me for many years, leading up to filming the show from the beginning. - Scheana: Tom and I were very close. We were close for the first few seasons. Season three, I felt like, was it two or three? Whenever Miami Girl and the whole that came around, I did feel like I was seeing a different side of him, the side that we all saw last year. I didn't think he was good for Ariana. - Scheana: I voiced my concerns to her mom. I stand by all of those things that I said back then, but when Ariana convinced me that he was a good person, he didn't do this and I needed to get off this or I was gonna lose her as a friend, I immediately just got over it. I made him my brand again and we built such an insanely strong bond from season two or three, whenever that was, up until Scandoval - Scheana: Although we were not speaking a ton leading up to all of this stuff, I think he knew what he was doing and that's why he started distancing himself from me. That's why Rachel started distancing herself from me because they knew they were being shady for seven months. - Scheana: So Tom and I not speaking that much right now is no different than the seven months leading up to Scandoval. But it's like also with Tom, I've had conversations with him on and off camera and I've tried to get through to him to snap him out of this downward spiral to start showing some empathy and deference towards Ariana, but it's been over a year now and he hasn't really been able to do that. - Scheana: It's like, regardless of who this man was in the past, I do have to accept the reality that that is not who he is now. It's been a hard pill for me to swallow and to watch back, but I think part of me maybe hoped that he had temporarily lost his mind and could be just shaken back to reality. - Scheana: I hoped that he could be genuinely remorseful, but I don't think he is. I felt like there were moments of it where the mask came down and I saw that Tom, and then he's just gone again. And then he says dumb shit that he tried to defend on Watch What Happens Live. - Scheana: (Does a Sandoval impression) “I was like, well, no, I was saying it was good for me. I did my job.” And it's like, no, that's not how you meant. And that right there, it's like Tom, right when you're starting to take a few steps forward, you just fully bury yourself again. I just, I don't get it, but I guess I do.
Do you see how much Sandoval manipulated you in the finale with that final scene? Can't you see through Tom's narcissism? The man has repeatedly lied to you, put you in legal peril, and he takes cheap shots at you by bringing up the Eddie thing. When are you going to wake up and realize this man doesn't care about you (Timestamp: 35:00) - Scheana: Wow, that's a loaded question. Look, a lot of things happened this last year that have changed my perspectives on various people and relationships in my life. Tom and I were friends, as I just said, for so many years, and years before VPR, and it's like viewers have only seen a small fragment of that friendship on the show. Same can be said for all of my castmates. - Scheana: Tom and I are always going to be tied together through this show and our long history, but we're never going to have a friendship like we had before. It's impossible to go back when so much has been broken. Like not just the friendship broken, but the trust shattered. - Scheana: I mean, and I haven't really necessarily seen the growth in him that would merit my energy being fully put back into rekindling a full friendship with him. So I'm not going to try and build that back up if I'm not seeing that from him.
Following you these last years on the show, listening to the podcasts and vlogs, it really felt like you would finally found your voice in this group once you had cut ties with Tom Sandoval. Now that he's back in the picture, you seem to have lost it. How can we help get that voice back? (Timestamp: 36:24) - Scheana: Look, I'm working on it. As hard as it is to watch back sometimes, one of the benefits of reality show life is the added perspective that comes with it. So in due time, I am doing my best. I really genuinely am. I'm trying.
If Rachel tried to reach out to you now, would you respond? If so, what would you say? (Timestamp: 40:22) - Scheana: Oh, I don't think I'm ever gonna hear from that girl, so I don't know what I would say, honestly.
Do you think that Rachel was groomed by Sandoval? (Timestamp: 40:30) - Scheana: I mean, that part of their dynamic was nowhere near me, so I wouldn't be able to answer that.
***end of recap

Hello, im 19m, uni student.
i have always been into a hobby hunt because i want to be dependant on my own happiness and not making other people the main and only source of my happiness, i have realised this problem 3 years ago, my best friend left me and stopped hanging out with me because i was too depressed and was not really energised so i was just a bit boring and he stopped hanging out with me to hand out with other friends, i dont remember why i was depressed but i remember that after he left me i felt 100 times worse, for 6 months i was almost always alone, i only had a mutual friend and we did not talk daily, i talked to her about the situation because well she is a mutual friend and knows him, she mostly put a chunk of the blame on me, saying relationships need both sides to put effort for it to work, she was implying that i did not put effort, which was wrong but then yes i stopped putting effort because ive been putting effort for a month and never got the same effort back.
after those 6 months, i have always been feeling like shit, i was around 15 but i dont think i truly realised how dependant i was, the mutual friend eventually got us back and he apologised and stuff, it has been almost 4 years now and he is my best friend, he is changed, i hated how i got back instead of moving on but i truly think now he is an amazing friend and has been with me in hard times.
a year after we were friends again, so 3-2 years ago, he started hanging out less and less, for valid reasons, i had to spend most of my time alone, and i did not know how, my days felt too long, unbearable. then i realised the gravity of the situation, i needed to do something and i need to know how to enjoy my own solitude, which is why i have always been hard on myself on trying having hobbies. i started going to the gym and cooking which was great and i still do that. and i have tried many other things but mostly, i did not really enjoy it.
fast forward to now, in my life, my close circle, there is 2 people, my best friend still, and a girl who i have been talking to for maybe 5-6 months now, i have feelings for her, and she does for me, i have told her how i feel a few months ago and she called me, i was scared but it turned out great, she said she feels that way too and she thinks im cute and blah blah blah. Thing is, we live very far away from each other, which is why we arent really officially a "couple". Like obviously she is more than a friend but still, we text and call frequently and i always have much fun. and i really do want to take things more seriously with her but i dont think now is a good time as she is having her finals and university entrance exams and also, sometimes i think if it is a good idea because of the distance, the plan is as we discussed if we do take things to the "next level" is to wait until we both finish uni (~2 years for me. ~4 years for her).
i feel like sometimes i am too attached, i really hate it, i have been like that and i know where it got me to, i dont want to be in that place ever again, i am genuinely scared. sometimes, like today and yesterday where i have not gotten a text from her, i dont feel good and i fucking hate it, i feel very pathetic, why can i not be content with my own ? its not like she disappeared or something, maybe because i already dont feel good and this is a plus to it, because it has happened more than once, one time she said she wanted to be alone for a time and it was around a week, for the first couple of days yeah i did not feel good but then it was normal, and i also started having feelings of hate, which i obviously hated, i get attached and when they want to have alone time i cant help but feel like they are tired of me or something, i hate thinking about it too much, and i know that if i just had a life with many things to do i wont be feeling like this, again which brings us to the hobby thing, i still go to the gym and cook but i would still have a long day not knowing what to do ALONE.
one hobby that i picked up and i hold it dear to me is cycling, i started cycling a lot when i was severely depressed around 2 months ago, it was amazing honestly, it gave me an hour of peace that i needed, just me and my bicycle and i go around my ugly neighbourhood listening to the songs my girl gave to me, i still do it but not daily, it is hard to do it daily because the time to do it is very limited, i can only cycle around 5pm so its a safe uv level and the sun is not too hot (it gets around 40c here) and i cant really do it after 7pm because the sun sets and i want to see the sun, i dont like doing it in the night. another hobby i used to do while i was depressed was building legos, i built a set and spent around a week, an hour each day and it was honestly great. i still have another set but i never got myself to do it, why ? i have a jigsaw puzzle that i am supposed to finish for like 2 months now and i never finished it, i have a big empty portrait in my room that the jigsaw puzzle is supposed to be inside, everytime i look at it it reminds me of my failure lol, i can just never get myself to do it, i tried it 3 times and got bored quickly.
i just hate the feeling of not having control of my own happiness, and many things that i do i do not find enjoyment in, even playing games which is like my main hobby for a long time, i cant enjoy it much if i do it alone, only with my friend which i hate, i feel like i fucked up my life and i dont really know what to do, its funny how i am in the exact same place kinda 2 years ago, i tried many things, playing the piano, drawing, making video games, boxing, running. i just never found great enjoyment in them and it always felt like chores, not hobbies, honestly the only things that i truly find peace with while i do them and it doesnt feel like a chore is going to the gym and cycling, maybe and other small things. But i just feel like these are not enough, i still have a long day and what ? chatting and hanging out with my friend or girl friend is what really makes me the happiest in my day but i just am afraid that maybe everything would fall apart and i will be alone, i need to prepare myself, i need to be more dependant, to make the relationships healthier, to love myself more, but i just dont know how, many things are super boring, does this maybe have to do with dopamine receptors ? i really dont know, what can i do ? i feel like i know what to do, which is focus on my life aspects like hobbies but I just dont really know how.
any comment would be appreciated, thank you all and have a great day :)

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I don’t even know where to begin. I just have a lot to say and no one who really has the time to listen. I’ll try to stay vague but our social circles don’t really intermingle and I don’t think I know anyone on here in real life. I can barely remember specific moments or map together periods of time cohesively but I’ll try my best. I used bullet points on my notes app to try to organize the important parts. So if it reads weird or blocky, I apologize.
I hate to admit that I think I still love my baby’s father. That may not even be true. I’m hoping it’s just the drastic hormone changes after having a baby. I don’t want to reconcile or get back together, I just want a genuine opinion from anyone that bothers to read the entire thing or advise from anyone that may have been in a similar situation. It was a very toxic and abusive relationship due to both parties. I toyed with his feelings until it was too late and he would drink and get physical. I was always accusing him of cheating or wanting to cheat because my ex had cheated. Meanwhile I was in fact projecting in a way because I was still messaging said ex. Ex and I were friends before we had dated and were together for 2 years. He had cheated on his other relationships so I should have seen it coming, but he ended up trying to cheat on me and I ended things. I was 19-20 at the time and joined tinder. Experimented a little but ended up hooking up with a guy that had a crush on me in HS. We only hooked up 2-3 times but it started getting weird and I chickened out. Then I got an apartment and a better job and started casually hooking up with the ex again. I think he had a gf at this time but I didn’t ask. At the new job is where I met BD. He started a few weeks after me. I was 20 and he was 28 at the time. We started hanging out after work to smoke. It’s not something I would normally do with just one person and he wasn’t really my type. But the hangouts got longer and more frequent. And I ended up cutting the ex off again. A couple months in, I moved in way too soon because my roommate and I didn’t get along. My ex would still message me occasionally for some reason. He definitely had a gf at this time. Some would be nudes. I didn’t encourage the behavior but I also didn’t discourage it. Bd saw the messages while we were on vacation and was understandably upset. I was upset with myself for responding. I justified it to myself by claiming I was trying to waste his time. In reality he was wasting mine and not suffering in the slightest. There couldn’t have been a worse moment for him to find the messages. The week was supposed to be a huge step in our relationship and I could see how crushed he was. If I were him I would have left me in the hotel states away and gone home that morning. The whole ride home I was sick. I couldn’t imagine how he was feeling, over something I so easily could have avoided and someone I had no interest in romantically or sexually anymore. I believe this is the first time Things got physical but as I said, the timeline is super blurry now. Regardless, if it was the first time, it should’ve been the last. No one should put up with being hit. And No one should feel that their only option is to put their hands on someone. This was when we were finally getting back to his house in our own state. He had picked up a few beers before hand, and that was generally his fuel to either argue or get violent. He had slapped me, choked me and spit in my face, all to which I gave him no reaction. I just sat on the bed silently, or tried to lock myself in the bathroom. He would walk away to smoke a cigarette and immediately come back to fight some more. He told me to pack up my shit but got more pissed off when he came inside to see me packing up my shit. I eventually got a few things packed up and made it to my grandmas’s house. We both calmed down and after a few calls and texts. he wanted to see where I was staying. I picked him up and brought him to my grandma‘s house. (Note: I should probably add that right before we got together. He got in a car accident that totally totaled his car and got a DUI. Since then I had been his ride and always joked That that’s all he kept me around for) We arrived at my grandma’s house, where she had a guestroom ready for me. He just sat on the bed with his head down and cried. He said that it looked like it was so easy for me to move on without him. Looking back, this should’ve been another red flag. All I had was a place to stay after being kicked out. He couldn’t accept that I would land on my feet without him. Most of my belongings were still at his house, and I didn’t want to burden my grandmother any further So I ended up going back with him. At this time I was still apologizing to him for what I had done and how I had made him react. One night after an argument, and a rough day in general. He walked out to grab a case of beer from the gas station and didn’t come back for hours. When I finally went out looking for him, he was at the spot that we had first kissed. There He told me I was holding him back From what he envisioned for his future. It was a lot more drawn out, less cohesive and not so nice (he had been well into his beer by then) but that was the gist of it. One of my biggest fears is being a burden, or anyone holding some secret resentment towards me. Him drinking only let me know how he truly felt and how he wanted to react. I could never put the same effort into the relationship after that. I felt like it was already over and had been over for a long time. A while later, he had seen that my ex reached out again nothing flirtatious this time, but he was still upset, understandably. He got violent again, and I locked myself in the bathroom. He took my keys and my phone and said he was going to go find him. I packed up a few things again and tried to walk over to my dad‘s house. His mission was futile and he ended up finding me walking and brought me back home. The whole night was tense and I didn’t feel safe in the morning before he woke up. I started quietly packing up my things. He woke up and immediately flew into a rage and started dumping my things out onto the ground. I called my mom to help me get out all the big things because I wanted to be all out in one trip. As I was leaving, he was screaming at my mother and I about how much a piece of shit I was, but was right back to begging for me back as soon as I was down the road. This was a reoccurring cycle for us. I’d always keep my phone and keys together in a designated spot in the house so I could get them quickly if I needed to leave. The ex no longer reached out, but we were both still suspicious of one another. Sometimes I would be gone for days sometimes weeks my belongings no longer came back because it didn’t feel like home anymore. It didn’t Feel like a safe or stable place for me. This also made him upset. Every time I would leave we would still text every day. It was an extremely toxic situation. During one period of time that i was gone He had one of our coworkers over for about a week sleeping in my bed with my cats. Throughout our entire relationship and our brakes I never met up with another person. I did leave so I didn’t have the right to be too upset. But He wasted no time having her over for an extended period of time while still begging for me to come back every day. Then I had to coax this information out of him after finding her clothes all over the house. I couldn’t get over the feeling that he had her and others lined up for when I was gone and him wanting me back meant nothing. By this time the dude I had gone to school/hooked up with had started at our job (This would seem like a cruel joke but we were in the same trade and this was one of the only decent jobs in our town.) I guess we had had a silent mutual agreement to keep out past between us because they became friends. Well, After finding out about his coworker, I told him about mine. It didn’t matter that the dates didn’t overlap. He went nutts. I don’t remember exactly how it all went down after that, but I left of course and he ended up going to this 20 year olds apartment. His roommate answered and BD demanded to know where this dude was and ends up slapping the roommate. (I have no idea why I kept going back. Typing this out, I feel so stupid. He was clearly fucking crazy and my brain was telling me to get the fuck out.) I was already suspicious of him because of how we both acted before we got together, but all of this just made it so much worse. I wanted to know why he felt the need to intimidate me into staying with him and calling it “crazy love” when he could so easily move on and leave me alone. (Why did infidelity have to be the dealbreaker and not everything else?) Bringing up my suspicions or insecurities, just made him defensive and occasionally violent. I never got any reassurance and my reasons for staying were few and far between. Then we found out I was pregnant. We found out when I was about seven weeks pregnant. The last time we had gotten into a physical fight I had been about 4 to 5 weeks pregnant. I was scared. Bd seemed happy. He said he wanted to be a family. Over the next few weeks, I was having extremely bad morning sickness I was in and out of the hospital on an IV for fluids and couldn’t leave our bedroom or bathroom. I still had to drive him to and from work which was only about 30 min round trip but I’d always have to stop on the side of the road to puke. (Note: There were five cats living in this house that I was Feeding and cleaning up after. We inherited two from the homeowner and three were ours) The house started to smell because I could no longer keep up with the cats, and this just made my morning sickness even worse. On top of this, I was having extremely bad back pain that I thought was just a symptom of pregnancy. After one of my trips to the hospital for fluids, they informed me that I had a UTI. I was about 10-11 weeks pregnant by then. I tried to tell him that I needed help with the house and that it was making me miserable. He just expressed that I would be complaining regardless. Whether it be about him spending enough time with me, helping clean, or working. This wasn’t even the worst of the treatment that I had received, but being pregnant, This was the last straw. I knew I couldn’t bring a baby into the abusive cycle that we were putting each other through. I don’t remember exactly how it happened. At this point I was looking for any reason to leave. But it happened and again I started packing up my shit. This time he barely put up a fight. He tried to dump my stuff out on the floor once, but I said if he tried to put his hands on me, I’d call the police this time. He sat in the kitchen on his phone until I was done packing. As I was carrying my belongings out to my car still weak and sick, we were screaming back-and-forth about how much we hated each other, and how I would never give him the chance to put his hands on my child. He shouted that he didn’t think the baby was even his, to which I replied, “Good, then I’ll never have to fight you in court”. That was our last face to face interaction. I filed for a civil protection order. It’s been about a year and since then, he has been claiming to his coworkers and his mother that my ex is the father. His mother doesn’t seem to believe him as she had kept in contact with me throughout my pregnancy, and since the baby’s been born. She requests a paternity test just to be sure, but I have no doubts that the baby is his. I am almost positive that he knows the baby is his too. His claims of me cheating are only his way of justifying me leaving and making it my fault. I sent her the information to reach out for a paternity test, but she hasn’t shown me any indication that he wants to be part of the baby’s life. Any time she brings up the situation to him, he gets angry with her and hangs up. I don’t know what’s going on in his life and I don’t want to. I’d only obsess over it and make myself upset if I did. I assume he’s living his dream and chasing his goals without me there to hold him back, especially with a child. Even after typing all this out and rereading and editing, I still miss him. I shouldn’t. I can’t tell if it’s the cycle calling me back or the drastic changes in hormones. I can’t even think of a reason that I should miss him. I don’t even think I miss him, just his presence or energy? It’s so hard to explain and I don’t want to feel this way. I have nightmares about trying to get away from him and out of the house but try to force myself back into the same dream just so I can see him. Is this normal? Do any other moms feel this way? Only attracted to the baby’s father even while split up? I have no sex drive when I used to be a fiend. I heard this can be a side-effect of the drastic hormone changes, but I don’t even feel an attraction anymore. Unless they’re a very specific type (My BD). I have no desire to move on or find a romantic connection. I do more harm than good and I’d rather focus on being a mom (which I’m loving aside from this issue).I know there’s no way of going back even if I wanted to. The damage has been more than done. I just want to make moving on easier and forget him. Do I just have to wait?

I recently did a run as a democratic cyberpunk-esque broken shackles species that helped abolish slavery in my galaxy and it felt rather off that the game basically allowed me to do an auto-genocide with no internal repercussions besides the loss in productivity from the missing pops. It felt totally incongruous with my beacon of liberty civic and idealistic foundations civics or my radical egalitarian ethics. I also was part of a federation and I don't think I got any blowback from it diplomatically. I think I might have antagonized one of the fallen empires but that might have simply been because of my alignment in the simultaneous War in Heaven Crisis. It also seems like you can resettle pops into the lathe regardless of resettlement policy. As a mechanic the Synaptic Lathe currently only makes sense for radical materialists or otherwise genocidal or authoritarian empires.
Narratively it definitely felt off. Although I've never quite felt remorse for crimes against sentient life one tends to commit in Stellaris, it actually made me feel bad that the game let me do a Pol Pot with a somewhat uncertain payoff while also being a "good" empire that was regularly accepting refugees from across the galaxy. It also doesn't make sense to me that once the pops are purged that they don't have some permanent effect on the output of the lathe. You're telling me I can chip away at the laws of the universe with infinity theses, but I can't keep a bunch of brains alive in a vat?
my suggestions:

• they should make the lathe more challenging to use if you're not a genocidal empire. E.g. this should lead to new factions and widely destabilize your empire under some circumstances. perhaps it could force an ethics or civics shift.
• what if in a materialist or otherwise idealistic empire you have active factions of people who essentially form a death cult around it and volunteer to be put in the lathe at the expense of your planetary output. there could be some mechanics or event chain that turn your people nihilistic enough to be on-board.
• purged pops should have a lasing impact on your science output. perhaps there's simply a point of no return where your pops are 'purged' when they're simply irretrievable from the lathe. I can also imagine there being major debuffs for pops that have gone through it and then been removed before being purged.

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“What?”
“You heard me. Let’s go skinny dipping. I’ve never been.”
“We cannot go skinny dipping in a public park!” Alex stood up from the swing. Betty stood up from hers as well, but ignored Alex’s pointed glare toward the sidewalk and instead took several quick steps toward the lake.
“Come on, Al! No one’s around. It’ll be fun.”
“It’ll be a bad idea, is what it’ll be. You know how close we are to where I have to be for work tomorrow? This is probably a park some of the folks there go to for lunch.”
“Not at midnight they don’t! Look around. We’re all alone.” She took another few steps toward the lake, teasing. “Come on, we just toasted to small crimes and misdemeanors. This is exactly that! No one gets hurt. It’s just a fun little secret moment.”
Alex seized on the first part of her response, ignoring the rest. “Midnight! You know how long ago I was supposed to be in bed? It’s been a long time since I was a teenager. I can’t do an all-nighter anymore. Work tomorrow is going to be a nightmare.”
“Yeah, but work is going to be a nightmare in any case at this point. Might as well have one last bit of enjoyment before you go back to the hotel and rejoin the real world, with all of its responsibilities and repercussions.”
“I can’t.”
“Suit yourself.” Instead of coming back up toward the sidewalk, Betty turned her back and walked deliberately toward the lake. A bushy shrub hid her from Alex’s view.
“Betty. I’m going back to the hotel.” He didn’t move, though.
Her voice came from behind the bush.
“You’d just leave me here at midnight, all alone?” Something thin and flimsy flipped up on top of the bush. It took Alex a second to realize that it was Betty’s dress. “And naked?”
“Betty—”
“Don’t peek, you perv! I’m getting in the water.” A series of small splashes a few seconds later suggested that she had done just that. “Whew! That’s colder than I expected. Better once you’re fully in it, though. Come join me.”
“I—I don’t think so.”
“Suit yourself.” Her voice was suddenly plaintive and vulnerable. “Don’t leave me though, okay? I’ll be out in a few minutes. I just want to enjoy this.”
“I’m not going anywhere.” He sat back down on the swings, letting his feet drag as he swayed idly back and forth. He whistled a tune quietly, until he realized it was Paul Simon’s “You Can Call Me Al” and stopped.
He was surprised to still hear the vague echo of the song even after he stopped whistling. Betty was humming it as she drifted about in the lake. He caught glimpses of her in the moonlight, the shadows and dappled water hiding more than they revealed. She looked at peace. She looked simply, genuinely happy.
It was this mood that drew Alex from the swing and set him moving toward the lake. If she had been posing, showing off, anything like that, he would have had no trouble resisting. Everything in her behavior made it obvious that this wasn’t about him, though. She was doing this for herself.
Thrill-seeking held no appeal for Alex, but he was envious of that simple joy.
Betty looked over as he approached. She ducked slightly lower in the water.
“You coming in?”
“Yes. It’s your turn not to look!”
“I’d never dare peek into the men’s changing room! Which, for the record, is probably going to be that same bush. The cover around here is a little sparse.”
Betty sculled away and turned to give him a moment’s privacy. Alex stepped awkwardly out of his shoes, teetering as he balanced on one foot to avoid standing on the damp ground with his sock.
“You’re going to be putting wet feet into those socks when you get out anyway,” Betty called from the lake.
“Hey! No looking!”
“They’re shoes! You weren’t taking off anything relevant yet.”
He made a turn-around gesture with his finger. Betty complied.
Moving quickly, Alex unbuttoned his shirt and shucked off his pants and underwear, piling the clothes atop his shoes to keep them off of the ground. Betty was right, of course, but it still didn’t seem like a reason to make them any more damp than necessary.
Betty laughed at his slight gasp when he entered the water.
“See?” she said. “Cold, but you adjust quickly.”
She was right. After the initial shock, it was really quite pleasant.
The mud was cool in between his toes. The water cradled him gently. The stars were bright and demanding overhead. Everything was silent and peaceful.
The two floated quietly, enjoying the moment. Finally, after several minutes, Betty broke the silence.
“Do you even know the words?”
“What?”
“To ‘You Can Call Me Al.’ The chorus, obviously, but do you know any of the rest of it?”
Alex tried to bring them to mind and failed. “You know, I really don’t. There’s the part that goes ‘ba bump bump bump,’ but that’s just the horn section. Even the part right before the Betty/Al line, I only remember that it’s something about a bodyguard and a pal. Long last pal, maybe?”
“It’s funny,” Betty said. “Being so tired of hearing a song all the time, yet not actually knowing it at all.”
It felt like wisdom, though Alex wasn’t sure exactly what it meant. Maybe it was just the stars. It was easy to sound philosophical under a sky ablaze with all of the possibilities in the universe.
It was also possible that he’d had a bit more sake than he’d realized, on top of a few more beers than he’d intended, and had been up a bit longer than was reasonable. In fact, it was almost certainly that.
Still, though. It was nice to just float and watch the stars and think about what things might mean.
Eventually Betty pulled him out of his reverie. “All right. I’m in danger of falling asleep if we stay here too much longer. Shall we be on our way?”
Alex gestured toward the shore. “Ladies first.”
“You’re too kind.” She swam toward the shallows. Alex turned away as she emerged from the water. He could see houses on the far side of the lake, a few with lights still on. He wondered if anyone living in them had ever come out at night to swim in the lake. He supposed they probably hadn’t. It gave him an odd feeling, a mixture of ashamed superiority and mild sadness that they hadn’t ever experienced this.
“Okay, I’m decent. Come on out.”
Betty was disappearing around the bush as Alex waded back to shore. He shook off as much water as he could, then ended up using his shirt to towel off before getting dressed. He walked around the bush carrying his socks and shoes, returning to the swing to put them on.
“Used your shirt to towel off, huh?” said Betty, noting the large splotches of water. “Me too.”
“What, toweled off with your dress?”
“No, I used your shirt.” Betty broke into laughter. “No sense in both of us suffering!”
“Yeah, well. Thanks for nominating me to take the hit for us both.”
“I’m sure you can handle this tiny bit of unfairness in your life.”
[ FIRST PREVIOUS NEXT ]

I got accepted into UBC bs and Queen’s general eng.
I am split between what to pick:
Queen’s + Guarantees specialty + Little to no stress + #1 in Social Life Canada + Non competitive, but supportive community + Lots of cool engineering traditions + Closer to Home - No 4 month co-op programs - Ranks a little lower than UBC
UBC + Gorgeous campus + I love nature and am a frequent hiker, so being close to the mountains is a dream + The perfect place to explore the West Coast from (trips to Mt Rainer, California and what not) + Ranks higher than Queens + Has 4 month co-ops - Very stressful due to placement competition - I would have to transfer into Engineering - 10 hours away from nearest family members
The reason I applied to sciences was because earlier this year I was happy with either eng or comp sci, but my interest in Engineering has grown a lot and I regret applying to sciences.
Overall though, I’m just looking for advice and ideas that I will put together with advice from trusted friends and adults to pick where I go

Unveiling Nature's Sanctuary: Treetop Treehouse Bahu in Jibhi
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uEssK8o3jKg (0:26-0:39 and 1:30-3:39)
For clarification I'm talking about the part when she sings "Little did you know Your home's really only a town you're just a guest in So you work your life away Just to pay for a timeshare down in Destin..."
And then Florence + The Machines chorus when they sing "Little did you know Your home's really only the town you'll get arrested So you pack your life away Just to wait out the shitstorm back in Texas..."

Hi all
Got a bit of a situation here. My two parents who have a secure joint tenancy are moving away from England, however due to my work and my uni I need to stay here. I’m going to be unable to afford to live in London as I’m also studying and my parents are being pretty unfeeling about my situation. I’ve been living with them all my life, I’m not on the tenancy (which has been around since the mid 90s) but can’t find anything that talks about a joint tenancy being assigned to a next of kin where all parties are in agreement, I was wondering if anyone had any advice? Thank you in advance
Edit: I’m in England

Title pretty much says it all but I just feel so stuck maybe it‘s becauseI I only started thinking I might be trans in my mid 20s but I feel so hopeless and alone and all I can do is find ways to distract myself from my existence I know it‘s never gonna go away I tried to make it stop and to just live as a man like before but i feel like i won‘t be able to do this much longer. How can I start believing that I have a chance and my life isn‘t ruined and find motivation to transition instead of hoping it‘ll magically disappear