What are some things to say to your boyfriend if he lives far away

1) I hate restrictions. I hate things and relationships that make me unable to act naturally and freely. 2) I am suspicious of most things, and cannot quickly trust people or information, even if it is from fairly reliable sources, etc. 3) Confidentiality. 4) I love to learn a lot, especially if it is related to topics that interest me. 5) I always like to think rationally and logically, and I always try to be logical. 6) I am able to relate events well. 7) I don't like to depend on anyone or anything. I like to rely only on myself. 8) I prefer to be alone and do the things I love alone. 9) I like to learn through my previous experiences. 10) My style of discussion is: I listen to the other party and wait for him to complete his point of view, even if his point of view conflicts with mine. I try to understand his point of view and see the evidence and arguments. If I am convinced, this is normal, and if I am not convinced, this is normal. I am one of the calmest people in the debate and the type who does not attack, does not rush, or gets angry because the other party does not resemble my point of view. 11) The first impression of me is always that I am quiet, I don't talk much, and I am somewhat serious, and people almost avoid me at first because of my semi-serious appearance. 12) People call me cold.. 13) I don't take the initiative. 14) If I'm with people I care about, I'll talk and laugh normally, but if I don't like people, they'll see me as cold and not talking much. 15) I ignore a lot. 16) I do not like for anyone to praise me because I do not know what to do or what is the appropriate reaction to give, so I try to ignore the praise and treat myself as if I do not hear it, and if I want to say something, I will just say thank you. 17) I always hide my feelings, I do not like to show them to anyone, and I always suppress them. 18) I value personal space very much, and I do not like anyone to enter my life, nor do I like to enter people’s lives. 19) I like to help people I care about. 20) I am afraid to show people facts about me because I am afraid that people will use them against me 21) I do not like to be a leader, but if there is no leader and I see that everyone is not good at assuming the leadership position, then I donate and take it and be strict and harsh because I believe that the quality of strictness should be in a leader. 22) Care a lot about how some things work. 23) I love sports. For example, I love martial arts, I love running, I love playing football, etc., but I do not practice them because circumstances do not allow me. 24) I love scientific things such as mathematics and physics, and I love learning them and delving into them. 25) I don't make detailed long-term plans for the future. If I want to make plans, I'll make plans with bullet points or simple details, but more often than not I make plans with bullet points to the point that it's very natural for me to keep them in my head, and not have to write them down on notes or paper so I can remember them. 26) I hate emotional talk. 27) I hate physical contact. 28) I like to take things apart to see how they work and what they are made of. I don't fix it, but I would like to know how it works. 29) I don’t like compliments, so I don’t always compliment and be honest. 30) I get bored quickly sometimes. 31) I don't care about people leaving my life, this is very normal for me and I get over it very quickly. 32) I don't think about the future or the past much. Mostly, I focus on the present. 33) To be honest, sometimes I like rules and follow them, but not always. 34) I always like to search for the exact meaning of words. 35) I am always interested in developing myself scientifically. 36) I like deep and realistic thoughts. 37) I love and appreciate respect, and if I respect someone and he does not respect me, I will get angry and perhaps hurt him. 38) I do not like when others underestimate my abilities, and if someone underestimates my abilities, I try to prove my abilities to him. 39) I show my interest in a person through actions, not words. I show this by encouraging and supporting him with what he does, sharing tips, sharing my knowledge with him, asking how he is doing, helping him when he needs me, but I never like emotional talk. 40) I'm not a bit of a nervous person. 41) I know a lot about my surroundings without any effort on my part, but I do not talk about it. 42) I like to go to the library and read books there, but circumstances do not allow me to read books on the Internet. 43) I can do things even if I don't know how. I mean I can draw even though I don't know. I mean my senses are almost ready to do anything, even if I don't know. 44) I prefer to learn by myself. 45) At first people are always afraid to approach me because I look serious and sharp, but only when you get to know me. If people I feel comfortable with and care about. I will be helpful, I can be kind, I will joke with them and laugh. I'm the exact opposite when I'm with people I don't feel comfortable with and I don't care about them. 46) If someone asks for an opinion on something, I will give him my advice based on my previous experiences, analysis of the situation, and the information I have on this topic. 47) I hate being controlled by people. 48) I have good self-confidence. 49) I love realistic and tangible things, and I can use my senses with them, and I love applying them to reality if they can be applied to reality. 50) I like isolation and do not like meeting people. 51) I don't laugh a lot, but I smile and not a lot either. 52) Almost everyone around me says I'm complicated. 53) I do not like noise, loud voices, and screaming. 54) I don't cry much and it's rare for me to do so. 55) I have a kind of apathy. 56) When I am with myself, I feel comfortable, entertained, and happy, unlike when I am with others. 57) I don't care about the things that surround me if they don't interest me. 58) I hate memories, and if people give me a memory, I will throw it away. The thing is, I hate memories and I hate making memories in general. 59) I have a fairly good sense of humor, but it doesn't show to anyone and doesn't always show. 60) I don't complain, I hate complaining, and I hate people who complain a lot. 61) I have an obsession with education and knowledge. I'm literally afraid that I won't be able to think logically and correctly because I don't have enough knowledge, so I love learning and I love knowledge. 62) Maybe I am mysterious and I keep many things in my life and do not reveal them. 63) Not committed most of the time. 64) I don't care about criticism. 65) I never, ever give up, whenever I fail, I try again. 66) I have a little bit of narcissism and a little bit of paranoia to a degree that is not always obvious. 67) One time a family member told me that you always answer me (it's normal, it's not a problem, I don't know....) My answers are like this because the topic does not interest me. This means that if something doesn't matter to me, I can't pretend that I do. 68) I was described as not caring about people’s feelings, cold and very frank, not interested in relationships, quiet, mysterious, flexible in speech, with a courageous personality, good at school, intelligent and introverted.
Note: I will take your opinions as a guess only because no one knows themselves better than themselves.

When I was a kid, my neighbor would often mention that I have pretty hands. That leads me to look at my own hands and try to comprehend the compliment. It was perplexing. I could stare it for some time and yet, not a silver thought would spring that says "It's pretty". At some point, I understood and can "feel" what my neighbor said. I can say, "Yeah, they are pretty nice hands". There was a gap between the child me and grown-up me.
As I grow up, I keep noticing this pattern. If something's not ideal, something's missing. A distance from the ideal condition. Some gaps used to bother me, and I managed to fix it in some way. And there are some that probably will never get filled, but I've learned to live with it. I used to ponder upon the meaning of life, but I stopped thinking about it. These days, I ponder more upon what I want to do with my life. Hopefully, future me found something to fill the gap. If not, that's fine. Go wherever the wind blows.
Random things.
Work's been okay. Progressing here and there. Got deadlines this month, a bit nervous. Recently, I figured out how to replay network packets, it was exciting! Makes troubleshooting and testing easier since I can easily record network data and replay it without hardware access.
My colleague jokingly said that I have no life. I know he didn't mean any harm, but he's darn right lmao. I don't do much outside of work and my interests. It's public holiday next Monday, and I see many people going to their hometown and having a vacation. Someone invited me to Genting Highland. I would really like to go there, especially for the thrill rides (I'm an adrenaline junkie!) but gosh, I don't like the person who invited me. There was a part of me who say things like "Go for it, going out is a good thing to refresh your mind". So far, I only plan to stay at home and chill. And organized my never ending my to-do list, lol.
I remembered how I used to imagine a world in my mind, and sometimes it would collapse/behave erratically against my will. I just realized today that it's odd. I would just try to resist the change without questioning why it's happening. E.g. I would imagine chilling on an island, but the floor would start to behave gooey like honey, or fall into the void world beneath it.
When there's someone that I feel might leave a lasting impact on me or someone I feel comfortable enough with, I would create a note and write down things about them from time to time. There's this one person that I started writing about. They might be reading this right now >.< . Thanks for replying to my silly messages, I guess. You seem like a very nice person.
A few weeks ago, I reached 9000th days of being alive. Been that long, huh. Fascinating how I'm still alive. I wonder how long I could last.
Auroras are so beautiful. Its color is are pleasing to the eyes, dressing from rose pink to soothing blues. I love the smooth gradient, combined with curves. Perfect in being imperfect. It dances in the sky, truly a sight to behold. I want to hug the sky and eat it.
I was eating with my colleague. The restaurant owner received a small parcel. She initially walked towards me but changed her path towards my colleague to ask about the parcel. But then, my colleague pointed to me. I supposed my colleague's appearance of being older potrays an experienced person than I do. And/or I have a baby face :3 . Nothing to think much about, just an observation.
Thank you for taking your time to read my silly post. Have a nice day! 💕

1) I hate restrictions. I hate things and relationships that make me unable to act naturally and freely. 2) I am suspicious of most things, and cannot quickly trust people or information, even if it is from fairly reliable sources, etc. 3) Confidentiality. 4) I love to learn a lot, especially if it is related to topics that interest me. 5) I always like to think rationally and logically, and I always try to be logical. 6) I am able to relate events well. 7) I don't like to depend on anyone or anything. I like to rely only on myself. 8) I prefer to be alone and do the things I love alone. 9) I like to learn through my previous experiences. 10) My style of discussion is: I listen to the other party and wait for him to complete his point of view, even if his point of view conflicts with mine. I try to understand his point of view and see the evidence and arguments. If I am convinced, this is normal, and if I am not convinced, this is normal. I am one of the calmest people in the debate and the type who does not attack, does not rush, or gets angry because the other party does not resemble my point of view. 11) The first impression of me is always that I am quiet, I don't talk much, and I am somewhat serious, and people almost avoid me at first because of my semi-serious appearance. 12) People call me cold.. 13) I don't take the initiative. 14) If I'm with people I care about, I'll talk and laugh normally, but if I don't like people, they'll see me as cold and not talking much. 15) I ignore a lot. 16) I do not like for anyone to praise me because I do not know what to do or what is the appropriate reaction to give, so I try to ignore the praise and treat myself as if I do not hear it, and if I want to say something, I will just say thank you. 17) I always hide my feelings, I do not like to show them to anyone, and I always suppress them. 18) I value personal space very much, and I do not like anyone to enter my life, nor do I like to enter people’s lives. 19) I like to help people I care about. 20) I am afraid to show people facts about me because I am afraid that people will use them against me 21) I do not like to be a leader, but if there is no leader and I see that everyone is not good at assuming the leadership position, then I donate and take it and be strict and harsh because I believe that the quality of strictness should be in a leader. 22) Care a lot about how some things work. 23) I love sports. For example, I love martial arts, I love running, I love playing football, etc., but I do not practice them because circumstances do not allow me. 24) I love scientific things such as mathematics and physics, and I love learning them and delving into them. 25) I don't make detailed long-term plans for the future. If I want to make plans, I'll make plans with bullet points or simple details, but more often than not I make plans with bullet points to the point that it's very natural for me to keep them in my head, and not have to write them down on notes or paper so I can remember them. 26) I hate emotional talk. 27) I hate physical contact. 28) I like to take things apart to see how they work and what they are made of. I don't fix it, but I would like to know how it works. 29) I don’t like compliments, so I don’t always compliment and be honest. 30) I get bored quickly sometimes. 31) I don't care about people leaving my life, this is very normal for me and I get over it very quickly. 32) I don't think about the future or the past much. Mostly, I focus on the present. 33) To be honest, sometimes I like rules and follow them, but not always. 34) I always like to search for the exact meaning of words. 35) I am always interested in developing myself scientifically. 36) I like deep and realistic thoughts. 37) I love and appreciate respect, and if I respect someone and he does not respect me, I will get angry and perhaps hurt him. 38) I do not like when others underestimate my abilities, and if someone underestimates my abilities, I try to prove my abilities to him. 39) I show my interest in a person through actions, not words. I show this by encouraging and supporting him with what he does, sharing tips, sharing my knowledge with him, asking how he is doing, helping him when he needs me, but I never like emotional talk. 40) I'm not a bit of a nervous person. 41) I know a lot about my surroundings without any effort on my part, but I do not talk about it. 42) I like to go to the library and read books there, but circumstances do not allow me to read books on the Internet. 43) I can do things even if I don't know how. I mean I can draw even though I don't know. I mean my senses are almost ready to do anything, even if I don't know. 44) I prefer to learn by myself. 45) At first people are always afraid to approach me because I look serious and sharp, but only when you get to know me. If people I feel comfortable with and care about. I will be helpful, I can be kind, I will joke with them and laugh. I'm the exact opposite when I'm with people I don't feel comfortable with and I don't care about them. 46) If someone asks for an opinion on something, I will give him my advice based on my previous experiences, analysis of the situation, and the information I have on this topic. 47) I hate being controlled by people. 48) I have good self-confidence. 49) I love realistic and tangible things, and I can use my senses with them, and I love applying them to reality if they can be applied to reality. 50) I like isolation and do not like meeting people. 51) I don't laugh a lot, but I smile and not a lot either. 52) Almost everyone around me says I'm complicated. 53) I do not like noise, loud voices, and screaming. 54) I don't cry much and it's rare for me to do so. 55) I have a kind of apathy. 56) When I am with myself, I feel comfortable, entertained, and happy, unlike when I am with others. 57) I don't care about the things that surround me if they don't interest me. 58) I hate memories, and if people give me a memory, I will throw it away. The thing is, I hate memories and I hate making memories in general. 59) I have a fairly good sense of humor, but it doesn't show to anyone and doesn't always show. 60) I don't complain, I hate complaining, and I hate people who complain a lot. 61) I have an obsession with education and knowledge. I'm literally afraid that I won't be able to think logically and correctly because I don't have enough knowledge, so I love learning and I love knowledge. 62) Maybe I am mysterious and I keep many things in my life and do not reveal them. 63) Not committed most of the time. 64) I don't care about criticism. 65) I never, ever give up, whenever I fail, I try again. 66) I have a little bit of narcissism and a little bit of paranoia to a degree that is not always obvious. 67) One time a family member told me that you always answer me (it's normal, it's not a problem, I don't know....) My answers are like this because the topic does not interest me. This means that if something doesn't matter to me, I can't pretend that I do. 68) I was described as not caring about people’s feelings, cold and very frank, not interested in relationships, quiet, mysterious, flexible in speech, with a courageous personality, good at school, intelligent and introverted.
Note: I will take your opinions as a guess only because no one knows themselves better than themselves.

My sister 22f has been with this guy 28m for almost 3 years. He actually was a friend of mine, a good one also. Me, my mum and my girlfriend have starting to notice red flags in him since their 2nd year together. He normally doesn't take no for an answer, and will manipulate, insist a lot or throwing a tantrum until he gets it his way either way. So few weeks ago me, my girlfriend, my sister and her boyfriend took a trip together, where he would stay only 2 days, returning alone. The four of us go out clubbing and after I would drive for 1 hour. I get my sister to ride shotgun and my girlfriend is in the backseats with him.
When we arrive my girlfriend told me he has touched her inappropriately, tried to kiss her and bring her hand towards his crotch.
Keep in mind that my sister and my girlfriend are close friends. We thought that obviously my sister would leave him on the spot, but after returning home says she will stay with him regardless. I told her that there will never be any holiday or time spent together since me and also my girlfriend will never want to interact with him again. There's actually no scenario possible in witch I would want to ever see his face again.
Turns out she's pregnant, and also they kinda already knew when he did what he did. If she wants to keep the child, sooner or later they will surely break up, and I am afraid that my sister will endure all his abusive behaviors more and more for the sake of the child. My sister still needs to finish school, she had taken a break and worked in the meantime for a little salary. He recently lost another job which was a 5 minutes walk from his home due to him being irresponsible, showing up late or not showing up at all and being generally someone who doesn't keep their word, and also lies pretty easily. They are living at his parents home all this time.
Then there's the thing that if she keeps the baby every interaction between my family and my sister and the baby will be pretty unpleasant since no one is going to pretend they like him.
We are all pretty shocked right now, me my mother and my girlfriend, since we think that my sister needs to get away from him asap, and a baby would keep her close to him, which is not a healthy relationship at all.
Obviously we can't impose anything over the choice my sister makes, but we're worried a lot because we want her out of this toxic relationship, for her own good. I think she is not able to think clearly right now, but it is for her own good to get out of this relationship before it's too late.
Never imagined being in a situation like this, there actually was zero possibility in our mind for him to do something like this.
I just want your opinion on the situation, I think probably either way we won't be able to have much of an impact on my sister's decision.

Hey everyone, I don't expect anyone to reply to this as it'll probably be shrouded by the other posts. Just needed somewhere to write it all down.
My life has never been good. I've had moments of happiness, even for extended periods of time, but never for longer than a few months at most. I grew up in a horrible environments in and out of CPS where my Mum finally got custody of me at age 3, after I remained in a foster home for around 6 months. My Mom tried so hard for me, even until she won her court case against my birth Father. Until I was around 12, I was raised in a fairly normal environment by myself. Most of my childhood I never endured abuse or anything like that. It wasn't until I was 12, shit got real. At that age, people deemed my problems invalid because I was so young and "it couldn't be that bad" or "other people have it worse". I could never tell my Mum because I didn't want to dissapoint her and make it seem like all her efforts were for naught. As such, I sat alone with my problems, occasionally talking to people online, but nothing helped. When I turned 13, I discovered herbal cigarettes for the first time. I would roll a herb (usually something that produced a relaxing effect or a minor hallucinagen) and smoke it on my porch when my parents weren't home. After I first tried it, I told myself, "It was a good stress reliever, but I'm not gonna do this again. It's bad for me." This cycle repeated daily for around a month. Eventually, my parents found out. Despite my worries, they weren't mad. But the dissapointment in my Mum's eyes were unreal.
This was the moment where I first lost my parents trust.
Eventually, I stopped, as my parents hid everything away from me. Because of this I never wanted to be at my house, so I was with a new group of "friends: I had made. There was this one guy, who I'll name John. John shared a lot of my common interests, and would talk to me during class and we'd hang out at the centre of our city pretty often, just us two messing around and having fun, like a bunch of 8th grade boys. This lasted for a few months. I had one of the best birthdays ever with him. Around a month afterwards, this man somehow tricked me into sending nudes to him. I'm a straight man. I thought this was another one of his jokes and we'd be chill afterwards.
I was wrong.
The next day, I went to school surrounded by weirded stares and comments on the situation. I knew then, that I seriously fucked up bad. I somehow got myself out of the situation by saying it wasn't me, but my friendship with John was diminished. Despite this, he was the only friend I actually hung out with consistently after that. I dealt with his remarks in the times in the future, which grew more and more consistent as the times went on. I knew I had to let him go after he told my principle that I had a weapon on me for self defense (which basically everyone in my city does), which nearly led to me being suspended. Eventually, I abandoned him all together, and ran with whatever little amount of pride I had left. I fell into a huge state of depression after this. Even my online friends didn't want me anymore. Someone had accused me of being a pedophile and falsified screenshots. I had no one.
One day, after school, a friend who I wasn't particularly close with wanted to hang out with me after school. He mentioned his parents had a cabinet full of alcohol.
Seeing no danger with this, I accepted without hesitation. This was my first experience with alcohol. I got wasted with him, and for the first time in months, my worries washed away. Eventually, this became a weekly occurance. I would tell my parents I was going to the park, but instead I would get drunk with my friend. This soon became the only way I could live without stress. Around this time, I became closer with an acuqainted friend and his friend group, who we'll call Terry and his friends. Terry was a chill guy. We didn't share all the same interests, but he liked me for who I was. He didn't care about my past. I became closer with his friends, too. Eventually this became my new friend group. Around the time I formed this new friend group, I stopped going drinking with my other friend. Not because I didn't want to, but because he stopped pestering me to hang out with him like he did the months before. Instead, the roles were reversed at that point. Me and this friend group started hanging out more, and more, and more.
During this time, I met my first love. It was online, but it felt like the best thing in the world. We were young, and stupid. She was beautiful. I remember first talking to her on the phone on the plane ride to my Uncle's wedding. I decided to myself that I really liked this girl. I wanted her more than anything. I remember she was the only thing I dedicated myself for. Something I felt was worth being there for. I finally felt like I had some worth for the first time in forever. I should mention this was slightly before the drinking thing. We talked, we called, we loved for two whole weeks. Towards the end, I made the stupid mistake of telling her that "if I didn't meet her I probably would've killed myself". This wasn't entirely true. I was depressed before talking to her, but I don't think I was suicidal. However, this seemed to be a problem for her. Apparently, she felt trapped. Thus, she left me. I remember having to hide my heartbreak from my parents. I shortly got over it, however, and met a new girl from my school. I realize now I didn't love her, I loved the idea of being in a relationship. I remember joking to my ex about how bad my girtlfriend at the time was. After a while, she found out I was following other girls on instagram. I denied it at first, but discovered it was an opportunity to pin a breakup on her not trusting me enough, so I used that reason and dumped her. She later told the whole school I was unloyal (which I wasn't, I didn't even talk to the girls I followed). She proceeded to post shitty photos of me on her tiktok account. I remember being fuming. If sonething so small was the worst of my problems now, I would be blissful happy right now. A few weeks afterwards, I got back with my first ex. This time, it was one sided. After just over a month, I began to look at girls in my class with desire. I completely broke it off with my ex, telling her I didn't love her anymore. Years later, I still regret this decision. She accepted this, and we remained friends. Every time I felt lonely, I would talk to her again, and we would begin talking like we were together again. This repeated for around 6 months. We kept talking until around a few months ago, where I discovered she blocked me out of nowhere. I believe it was out of respect for her new boyfriend, which I respect.
After we had broken it off for the final time, I began spending time outside of school with my new friend group. Slowly, we began to hang out more and more. I even found a new girlfriend, which I had found off of quick add on snapchat, lol. Around Christmas, things went downhill. My friends asked a personal question, which was whether my girlfriend had sent me explicit pictures (i thought it would make me sound cooler if I said yes), but then they caught me in the lie, and they immediately lost trust for me. I saw the same look in their eyes as I saw in my Mother. Distrust. I tried to salvage the friendship, but I new it wouldn't be the same ever again. It still isn't. I saw the cycle repeat itself. Like last time, I left my girlfriend because I lost interest. I began to become depressed again. I started vaping and drinking to escape the pain. I didn't care as much about my looks anymore. I remember having one of the worst heartbreaks of my life afterwards. I told myself I wouldn't date ever again. I still hung out with my friends, but we all knew inside that we didnt care for each other as much as we acted. For around a month, I lived life in a cycle. A depressed cycle. One day, I caught a glimpse of a girl in my class who was exactly my type in a woman, physically and mentally. I knew she was far too good for me. I barely talked to her, and didn't have her on any social media. I eventually got the courage one afternoon to add her on snapchat, after one of my friends gave me her snap. This was after a mutual friend informed me that she found me attractive, which I didn't buy. The night I added her, we talked, and I rememebr playing games with her and her friends. It was one of the best nights I've ever had. I fucked up my sleep sdchedule just to speak to her longer. I got to know her more, and more. She was the most beautiful and perfect girl in the world. My eternal bliss lasted for a week. I had ordered flowers to ask her out with and I had the whole thing planned out with her friends. I remember going to my first work shift, and coming home, and getting a message from her:
"Hey, I think I'm lesbian. It's not your fault, I promise. I'm so sorry."
I was heartbroken, I kept tryna suffocated myself over and over again. I asked her why, what her thought process was. She eventually tired of my questions and she said that I was being a dick about it. I ended up sending her a message later that day telling her that I was sorry for being a dick about it (I still don't know what I did wrong). I didn't go to school the next day. I remember avoiding her hard for the whole rest of the school term. I was insanely depressed afterwards, the worst I've ever felt. she was the best thing that ever happened to me. I tried weed for the first time afterwards, it was mesmerising. It nearly compared to the feeling of being with her. But it was only a temporary escape. As the weeks went on, I became more and more depressed. Then, my parents found out I smoked weed, and my own mother told the police (I still dont know if thats morally right and im overthinking it) and my whole family found out and now hates me. I'm scheduled to see them tomorrow. I'm being illegally overowkred by my job, and I can;t do anything about it. I didn;t show up today, I'm probably already fired. I tried a cigarette today, it was one last thing I wanted to know before I pass. I went to one last convension today, and asked God for a sign to keep living. I ended up meeting a girl, asking for her number, and she gave me her insta and messaged me "You really thought I'd date you? Not tryna be mean".
In three hours, it'll turn midnight. I'll go to a store, find nitrous oxide, and overdose on that. Asphyxiation isn't that painful. I have nothing at all.

“Most people tell you they want to get out of kindergarten, but don’t believe them. Don’t believe them! All they want you to do is to mend their broken toys. "Give me back my wife. Give me back my job. Give me back my money. Give me back my reputation, my success." This is what they want; they want their toys replaced. That’s all. Even the best psychologist will tell you that, that people don’t really want to be cured. What they want is relief; a cure is painful.
Waking up is unpleasant, you know. You are nice and comfortable in bed.”

• Anthony De Mello

Waking up isn’t easy. It is the most difficult journey that you, pure awareness, will ever embark on. Why? Because it is a complete and utter surrender of everything you internally cherish. It is a death to the false sense of self. It is a death to the belief in the reality of matter. It is the chopping down of the tree of good and evil 🌳. Let me explain.
You see? Maya is a trickster. A hypnotic master. We all come here and we write about the bad things that Maya projects in our mind. We rave against poverty, racism, hunger, judging others, and other evils.
But while it’s easy to rave against the bad parts of the great illusion called Maya. We forget that Maya also dangles the carrot 🥕 of good illusions. Maya is a tree of good and evil. It also promises you shiny toys. Maya says….

• Wake up and money will no longer be an issue
• Wake up and then you can easily attract the love of your life.
• Wake up and then you can meet some lifelong friends that will understand you and care for you.

See that’s the trick of Maya. It dangles both good and evil. It gives you something that it internally labels as good, then as you become attached to it….it pulls the rug from under you and takes it away.
If it doesn’t take it away, just a simple threat of it being taken away keeps you trapped in the game. That’s what anxiety is - Maya gave you a cherished gift, a cherished idea, a cherished position…Then all of a sudden, Maya threatens this cherished gift and now you are anxious. “I must protect this gift” you think to yourself….completely disregarding the fact that the gift in itself was an illusion the whole time.
That is why my writings is for the advanced surrenderer, those who are ready to chop down the tree of good and evil to reveal the tree of life 🕉️. If you are still in this to get some sort of baubles, trinkets, or other “good” carrots that Maya dangles; then please discard anything that I write about. If you’re ready to leave the Matrix, to leave Maya, then continue reading because…..

• Until you can firmly say to the guy offering you a billion dollars that he can keep his money and that you’re perfectly ok with the present moment.
  
• Until you can tell the hot woman, not today I think I’ll just take a nap.
  
• Until you can tell society. Keep your fame and kudos, they are meaningless anyways.
  
• Until you can tell depression, there’s noone here to be depressed.
  

Then the illusion still has a hold on you. You still believe that Maya can offer you something.
I am not perfect and I too I’m learning to return to Self, to my original nature. But at least for today, I can confidently tell Maya “Nah I’m chill with your gifts. I know your tricks and I will not be hypnotized by them”. Namaste 🪔

Tldr - experience with Ursodiol? Or other alternative methods to avoid removal? I'm so anxious to do it 😩 😫 😪
I went to the hospital for the first time experiencing the pain we are all too familiar with - I was scared. Thought it was heart related. Had an aggressive and painful ultrasound and was told I had a gallstone - or maybe they said, stoneS - I honestly can't remember.
For the past 12 years I had developed a regime when I experience a 'flare up'.
The pain is so bad (as I'm sure you know) I HAD to figure out a way to deal with it.
My go to when woken up with the pain was a shot of Apple Cider Vinager(yes its gross, I plug my nose!), a couple of ibuprofen, and immediately SLEEP. None of it worked if I didn't sleep. But there was never a time it didn't work. I woke up back to normal everytime.
I'd say over the past several years it has been necessary to have implemented this regimine between 10 & 20 times.
There has always been a considerable amount going on in life that makes tracking so difficult so give or take any amount. I've been dealing with it so long its just apart of life at this point I guess...
A week ago, I had a massive attack - so incredibly painful breathing was a struggle, there was no relief to be found.. it went on for 34hrs straight, just writhing in agony until I finally increased to 4 ibuprofen and got enough relief to sleep and I slept on and off for a couple days - it never went away just lessened but sleeping was helping get through it.
It felt so different than I was used to that I honestly thought it had to be something else but it being a holiday weekend the er was packed and the wait was several hours long just to get in and I have to bring my kids so I was doing my best to wait it out. Moaning around at home was far more appealing than a crowded waiting room for hours..
Finally after a couple days I went to hospital because while considerably better, still not complete improvement.. so 12hrs later, one CT and a bag of fluids later I was let out with the only answer being a stone and a referral to follow up with the surgeon and a prescription for Ursodial for 10 days.
I've continued with ACV a couple times a day but basically am on bedrest. I ate my first bit of food yesterday - a graham cracker and a couple more today but basically I'm sleeping on and off and taking ibuprofen and haven't eaten in days (besides a cracker with the ibuprofen and Ursodiol)
Sometimes I think the pain I still have is from hunger because it's relieved with drinks of ice water as it coats its way down..
But am I just at the point of no return? I was really willing to throw it all in and live on lemons and try to get this thing shrunk enough to get out.. I also was reading about soundwaves or other treatments and this is the first time I'd heard of this medication they gave me - I started reading about it during my hours in the hospital bed and was planning to ask about it but he offered it up so I didn't have to.. I really want to stick it out - I have medical -related ptsd and an anxiety disorder, heds, I'm Autistic, an only parent, totally on my own, I have no friends and in a new city hours away from anyone I've ever known - and surgery is just so massive anyway.. if there is any other way I'd like to be trying thay first..
Idk I guess I just need to talk it out more.. get some kind of support. It's just so hard to be on loop of all the thoughts I've got going around..
But its never lasted this long and I am struggling..

We’ve been together for 3 years, great relationship so far with a few bumps but nothing we couldn’t get over. I’ve always maintained the stance of no to children, but I will go through periods where I think kids would not be so bad. He is also the same. The only difference is, he says IF he decides he wants kids, it will absolutely 100% be after 10 years, when we are financially stable and have travelled, and he said the chance of him wanting kids then is still maybe 5%. He would be open to it if it happened, after 10 years basically.
My thoughts are (as much as I don’t want to) we should end things now, rather than in 10 years time if he might want kids then. His thoughts are, he doesn’t want to leave me for the miniscule chance that he MIGHT end up wanting kids, because as it stands, it’s very likely he will not want kids when he gets to 33.
I just don’t want to stand in his way of having children, if he decides he wants to. In my eyes, if we end things now, he will have the chance to find a woman who is also on the same page as him, even if she also MIGHT want kids, it’s a better chance for him to have kids with her than me. He says, he doesn’t want to full stop, and if he ends up wanting kids, that’s just something he will have to live with, and he will not hold resentment for me because it won’t be my fault.
We are truly lost on what to do. I want his happiness so bad, and I don’t want to stand in the way of it on the off chance that he might end up wanting kids. But then again, anything can happen over the course of 10 years right? I might end up being more open to children too, although right now I cannot see that happening. We are planning to find a couples counsellor to see what they say. What is the best course of action here, if anyone has experienced this too?
TLDR: Boyfriend says there’s maybe a 5% chance that after 10 years he will want kids, I want him to find someone he is on the same page with because I don’t want kids at all. He doesn’t want to leave me.

For context yes, I am a person who loves this style of game. I've finished Elden Ring, Dark Souls 1 & 3, and Sekiro. I loved pretty much every minute of ever one of these games. I'm not especially good at them, but I'm persistent enough to have finished them.
The things I love about this game are:
The story: From soft have a very different approach to storytelling. The biggest difference between DS1, 2 +3, Elden Ring, and Bloodborne compared to many other games is that 98% of the main story has already happened. You're thrown into a world oblivious of all but a few small details. Most of the main players in the story are either dead, insane, corrupted in some way, or aged and decrepit by the time you find them. You read item descriptions and listen to NPCs mutter away giving you these little fragments that you piece together over time. But in amongst the main story there's individual characters that you come to know and watch as they play out their own story in the midst of what's happened in the world. These NPC questlines can be genuinely moving like Solaire in DS1. There's one in particular called Eileen the Crow that's truly, truly beautiful. She's a part of the main story but she also has her own arc aside from it, as do a number of other characters. It feels like the main story is like the mountain, but there are many different experiences and perspectives on what it means to climb it. Without giving too much away it's a story written in the Cosmic Horror tradition of Lovecraft or Thomas Ligotti, imo on par in quality with both these authors.
Combat: as with all games from this developer this game has a combat system that is incredibly well calibrated. Tight, responsive controls and one of the greatest parry mechanics of all time. You parry with a gun. It's very, very satisfying. It has some of the best weapons of any game I have ever played. Weapons have 2 different modes, each with a unique Moveset and play style. There isn't a bad weapon in the game. They are pretty much all viable to use beginning to end. It has a mechanic called Rally, where you have a short window to regain lost health by attacking immediately after you're hit. It has the effect of rewarding a hyper-aggressive play style instead of using spacing or a shield to be safe.
The atmosphere: incredibly dark, indescribably fantastic.
The levelling system: you do have to learn what's what if you're not familiar, but it's not hugely complex. You can grind to get stronger if you feel like you need to, but there's an upper limit as to how much this will help.
The difficulty: you will get smashed to bits no matter what. Especially if you're not all that familiar with Souls games. I had times when I thought I would never beat certain parts, but I also had times when I did after many, many attempts. That feeling rules. The game basically says ok sorry bud, I can see you like the game enough to have gotten this far, but if you can't do this then I'm sorry but you're just not gonna get to see the rest of the game. And as strange as it sounds it's always 100% worth it every time.
The sounds: beautiful, haunting music. Horrible, screeching enemies. Yelling in British. Brilliant NPC dialogue.
I definitely recommend this game. I give it a 9.7.

Hello everyone, first of all English isn't my first language, I'm on mobile, and I tend to ramble, so I'm sorry about that. I (34F) am in a short relationship (4 months) with L (28M), he's very kind and sweet, and I'm still adapting to this whole new relationship thing, for this last sentence I'll give you some background. My last serious relationship lasted for 3,5 years between me (24F at the time) and F (21M at the time). It started after we matched on a dating app and we went on our first date. Our first date was crazy perfect, he picked me up on a garden and we went to a tattoo/piercing shop where we got pierced. We talked for hours until evening, and he invited me to eat pizza at his place with his dad lol. It was super late by then, and I lived far far away, so we slept together just cuddling, nothing else. Since then we would meet each other every day. One time (6 months into the relationship) he rear ended another vehicle while going back home. So I decided to move closer to him, because the commute was getting to us. So I did. One week into the new lease, I had an accident and broke my ankle. So he decided that it was better for me to stay at his place to recover (bigger house, access to vehicles, and accessible in general). Three months and two surgeries after I decided it was time for me to go home, but he would convince me to "postpone just one more week" every time, and I would always oblige (I know the little doormat I sometimes am). And things would go like that until I hit the one year mark into that lease. And I said to him "or I move back home or I move definitely here, there's no middle therm", so I moved into his place. I offered to pay rent but he refused. Until this moment the relationship was perfect, his father also lived at that place, and we would always cook together, sing together, go for short trips, etc. But after a while I started to have symptoms of anxiety and depression. Until one day I had a panic attack by just sitting in front of my computer at work. I started to treat that and the doctors said I would have to stop work for a bit, because it was super serious (I don't want to go into too much details for that). At the beginning he was super supportive, but now I know that to have a relationship with someone w/ depression and anxiety it's super hard, 0/10 not recommend. So he and his friends started to be petty to me, and I noticed. One day me, him and his friend went for dinner and I got catchup for me. His friends started to berate me on how catchup is bad for my health and that I should stop using it. I simple replied that every time I see him he is smoking his cigarettes and I never said nothing. Or one time that his friend started to talk bad about gold digger women and insinuate that I was one, because I wasn't working. Before stopping to work I had a career in IT, while my bf had an assistant warehouse job, and I used to earn way more than him (that was never important to me before, honestly). So I said "I know I'm not working, but as soon as I get better I'll earn 4 times more than my bf, so your argument doesn't apply". Just wanted to point out that I had my savings, and I was living off it, paying for food, and other bills. My bf then was very mean and cold to me too, and at one point I asked "Do you want me to move out?" and he said "yes". "After that will you break up with me?" And he said "yes". So I activated my survival mode, and started to work my way into leaving. Between that, and getting a job, I started to pack my things quietly, and applying for jobs. All that while mourning the relationship. For him, I was doing nothing, but I was actually already in the way of signing a new lease, going to interviews and packing my things (and hiding in the house), I wanted to just disappear, I felt humiliated to not be able to leave in the next day after that talk. One day he went after me for sex, and I said "don't be like that, I feel like a piece of meat", he answered "so I'm going downstairs to get some salt then", and from that moment on, all the good feelings I had were replaced by disgust and disdain. A couple days after he asked me what I was going to do on next weekend, because he would go on a trip and wouldn't be home, and I said "nothing". I actually went to help the landlord to clean and paint the new place, since I wanted it to be ready ASAP. And I could move in next Wednesday. When I broke the news to him, he looked surprised and said "already??". So I kinda moved all out in less than a day. After that he would always go after me. I was 27 by then, and from that moment on the idea of a relationship would always make me sick. So I had the crazy teenager phase (since I always had long relationships before) and decided that I would be alone. I started to draw a plan to move to New Zealand, as far away from my ex possible and the plans didn't go through. But 3 years later I moved to Europe, my ex would always send messages saying he missed me, even when he was on a relationship, and in one of my birthdays he sent me a picture from his wallet with my picture in it. I replied politely, but I felt disdain honestly. We haven't talked in years now, honestly, and I'm alright with that. I was single for 7 years icking the idea of going through all that again. Ok, so now, what's happening? I'm 34 now, and I have my cute sweet new boyfriend, and every time he comes here to sleep with me I dream that I sneak out the bed to sleep with my ex. Even though I would never do that, even if he was in other bed next to us. I always feel guilty and dirty, like I'm cheating. I spend the days thinking that I should tell my bf, but I don't want to hurt him. All I feel for my ex is disdain and ick. But I feel like I'm hiding something. What do I do?
TL;DR!: Every time my bf sleeps over, I dream that I sneak out of the bed to go to sleep with my ex, and my brain thinks I'm cheating.

Hi all, hope it's nice wherever you're reading this! It's actually a nice day here for once and I have nothing to do, so currently sat in the garden reading and thinking about later plans for my crops on Stardew, but could do with some company and good chats!
I'm from England, I've lived here all my life but I love to travel and experience new places. I'd love to chat to people from all over the world (not to say that the UK is excluded- obviously would be easier for meeting eventually!) and learn more about your country - be that food, history, cinema etc...
About me: - I love to read, always looking for a new recommendation. Maybe we could have a little one to one book club as part of our letters? Choose a book to read and discuss it, think this could be really fun! Save me from re-reading LOTR again haha!

• I love to bake and cook too, especially things I've not tried before so any recommendations from what you usually eat would be amazing. I can do a mean pie here.
  
• I'm generally quite a big nerd, mostly in terms of history and books. But I also love movies, video games and music ! I collect records as a hobby so chats about music are always appreciated.
  

I'd be happy to swap pics and verify each other early on if that's what you prefer but just really looking for that special someone to connect with and build something.
Location really doesn't bother me as I'm open to relocation (try to persuade me against running away to the wilderness and living in a cabin?). I know time difference can suck sometimes but let's make the effort and try?
Hope to hear from people soon!!
A

My sister 22f has been with this guy 28m for almost 3 years. He actually was a friend of mine, a good one also. Me, my mum and my girlfriend have starting to notice red flags in him since their 2nd year together. He normally doesn't take no for an answer, and will manipulate, insist a lot or throwing a tantrum until he gets it his way either way. So few weeks ago me, my girlfriend, my sister and her boyfriend took a trip together, where he would stay only 2 days, returning alone. The four of us go out clubbing and after I would drive for 1 hour. I get my sister to ride shotgun and my girlfriend is in the backseats with him.
When we arrive my girlfriend told me he has touched her inappropriately, tried to kiss her and bring her hand towards his crotch.
Keep in mind that my sister and my girlfriend are close friends. We thought that obviously my sister would leave him on the spot, but after returning home says she will stay with him regardless. I told her that there will never be any holiday or time spent together since me and also my girlfriend will never want to interact with him again. There's actually no scenario possible in witch I would want to ever see his face again.
Turns out she's pregnant, and also they kinda already knew when he did what he did. If she wants to keep the child, sooner or later they will surely break up, and I am afraid that my sister will endure all his abusive behaviors more and more for the sake of the child. My sister still needs to finish school, she had taken a break and worked in the meantime for a little salary. He recently lost another job which was a 5 minutes walk from his home due to him being irresponsible, showing up late or not showing up at all and being generally someone who doesn't keep their word, and also lies pretty easily. They are living at his parents home all this time.
Then there's the thing that if she keeps the baby every interaction between my family and my sister and the baby will be pretty unpleasant since no one is going to pretend they like him.
We are all pretty shocked right now, me my mother and my girlfriend, since we think that my sister needs to get away from him asap, and a baby would keep her close to him, which is not a healthy relationship at all.
Obviously we can't impose anything over the choice my sister makes, but we're worried a lot because we want her out of this toxic relationship, for her own good. I think she is not able to think clearly right now, but it is for her own good to get out of this relationship before it's too late.
Never imagined being in a situation like this, there actually was zero possibility in our mind for him to do something like this.
I just want your opinion on the situation, I think probably either way we won't be able to have much of an impact on my sister's decision.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRA_wafflehouse
My (29F) Boyfriend (29M) keeps getting into fights with a cook at Waffle House
Originally posted to relationship_advice
Original Post May 11, 2020
I know this sounds really weird, but here it is:
My BF and I have been together for three years. We met and started dating when we were both in graduate school, but I dropped out to go back to college to pursue a different career. We are both finished now, and live together making a fairly nice combined income.
Our income is relevant because we could afford to eat somewhere nice when we're out and about, but he always wants breakfast food. When he was a child his dad couldn't stand eating breakfast-type food in the afternoon or evenings, so his mom would make him waffles/pancakes, eggs, and bacon in the evening whenever his dad was busy or out of town. It's a wonderful and safe memory for him, and when he goes to his "happy place," he says that's where he always goes.
My BF is an incredibly nice and caring person. He's emotionally tuned in to everyone and recognizes arising issues a long time before they occur. He loves animals, and is kind and gentle with every bug, bird, and pet that he comes across. He's almost always willing to turn the other cheek in social situations where somebody tries to insult him or get aggressive towards him, and usually winds up defusing the situation and having a productive discussion about whatever the issue was. Except at Waffle House.
Anytime we're out he wants to go to the same goddamn Waffle House and get breakfast food. I'm not a big eater, so I used to not really care. I would just drink coffee and read my book while he enjoyed his food. But that became impossible once he and this one cook started chirping at each other every time we went there. BF complained about his eggs one time, because he likes them a little runny and they were served hard. The cook responded by giving him scrambled eggs. When he brought it up again the cook served him two hardboiled eggs. I think it was just part of the cook's schtick, and it was kind of funny tbh, but my BF wasn't able to laugh it off. When we left he was in kind of a bad mood, but we didn't really talk about it.
The next week we were out getting some shopping done, and he wanted to go to Waffle House again. I suggested that we try out a different place, or at least a different Waffle House location, but he only wanted the same Waffle House. We went in and sat down, and once again the same cook served his eggs wrong. My BF sort of snapped at him that he wasn't interested in messing around, and just wanted the correct eggs. The cook then served him a piece of toast with a hole cut out in the middle with a fried egg in it. My BF got really mad and threw the egg toast at the cook, which made the cook come around from behind the bar and throw it back at him. They ended up sort of wrestling/fighting until my BF was like "this is bullshit" and walked out. Nobody got hurt, but the few other people in there were watching and laughing a bit.
This is the crazy part: my BF keeps going back and ordering eggs and getting into fistfights with the same cook. It's almost a ritual at this point. My BF orders runny eggs, the cook serves him some other version of eggs, and then they beat the shit out of each other. I quit going with him after the second fight, but he kept going by himself. They're like Peter and the giant chicken from Family Guy, it's the weirdest thing. They've physically fought like 6 or 7 times over this.
I've tried to talk to him about it a few times, but he keeps saying it's a matter of principle. I've told him to talk to the manager or something like that, but he just waves me off. Apparently that cook hasn't yet made him the correct runny eggs, but it's like he spends the week learning new ways of preparing eggs to piss my boyfriend off.
The thing is, we're getting married this summer. He's accepted a job in a new city and it'll be easy for me to find work after the wedding, so we'll be moving away from his sworn enemy waffle house guy. He hasn't really been out since quarantine started, but it wouldn't surprise me if that's the first place he goes when restaurants open back up for sitting customers. But my main worry is this strange vindictive side of him I've never seen before that leads him to fight the same guy every week. The violence itself is an issue for me, but the obsession over it almost bothers me more.
Should I be worried that this side of him will come up later in our marriage? How do I get him to open up about this? Is this type of obsession a choice, or is it indicative of something deeper?
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP. DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP OR COMMENT ON THE ORIGINAL POST

First time posting, long time reader. Wasn’t sure how to go about this but here goes..
My wife (33F) is finishing up her 3rd year in DO school. We’ve been together 12 years, married going on 6. We don’t have kids. I (39M) have been along for the journey since undergrad. What a rollercoaster.. Getting into med school was huge. It was a school out of state. We’re from the west coast, school is in southwest; close enough to family to visit, far enough to miss them. I work full time and fortunately was able to transfer. We have a home in CA and again, fortunately, I make a decent amount where we were able to buy a home close enough to her school and an hour away from my work. Currently, we rent out the west coast property. Having properties has always been a goal of mine, so buying a second home wasn’t something I would be upset about, especially in a growing city.
Since I work, I carry most, if not all, of the financial side of things. I say most because I don’t want to discredit when she buys things at the market and I don’t hand her money to pay for it. For me, my money is our money. Her loan is my loan. We do it together. I’m on board.
The demands of med school are intense, as we all know. I’m on board with all the sacrifices we make as spouses. I cook, I clean, I pack her lunches, wake her up if/when she’s running late, prepare her coffee and send her off with “I got you, babe.” That’s who I am. I do all those things not for an IOU payment. I do it because I love my wife and I know I want to support my partner. I feel like she has possibly gotten so used to it that she forgets to support the one who supports her most. Her family situation is another post for another subreddit that gets very.. difficult. Therapy has been an avenue we’ve taken as a couple and as individuals. It’s helped.
Here is where I feel like I’m finding the edge..
Moving away from home has its challenges. I would surf every week - Can’t surf in the desert. I’m close with my family - Can only see them every so often now. In our marriage, affection has gone from healthy to occasionally. Sex life, same. Understanding the mental demand, stresses and planning for residency applications, wanting to plan for a baby, her family stress, all of those are factors. I’ve been patient and understanding. I do my best.
I enjoy camping. It keeps me sane. During that “limbo” I plan trips for myself or with other family members, which means I drive to another state and have a decent trip for 4-5 days. THIS is my hobby. THIS makes me happy. This happens twice to three times a year. I love my truck. I invest in my truck. I purchased and worked on everything that has been done to my truck. I’m proud of it. THIS makes me happy.
Again, I carry the financial side of things. I also save money for future plans (babies, another move, another house, emergencies etc). Am I wrong for spending money on my truck? Because I’m continually getting guilt tripped for it by my wife. Sounds silly, but when I voice that frustration with my wife, the answer I get is “When are you done?” And my response is “It’s something I continue to enjoy and can afford. What if it’s never done?”
Is it fair to be guilt tripped this way? I mean, I do my part. And then some. I feel like sacrificing and carry the load I do and voicing when it’s tough falls on deaf ears. And all I ask is to be supported while I support her. I’m not drinking and hitting strip clubs, I’m camping. Im working on my truck. It’s my hobby and it makes me happy. A “I’m happy you enjoy your truck and it’s given you a lot of joy.” would send me to the moon. For me, that’s an “I got you, babe.”
Idk, I feel like a tool. Only do what supports her journey but don’t find things that make me happy throughout it, because her journey is the one that is most important…? I don’t know how else to live a life for myself without being guilt tripped, while supporting her 90% of the time.
Am I crazy?! Is there a different perspective I could adopt? I feel like I’m losing my mind and losing who I am. I’m not a tool, I’m a person.
TL;DR Med school is demanding, I love camping and working on truck, wife doesn’t agree with how I spend my free time and money.

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Ceele strolled through the damp grass along the outskirts of the village, a spring in her step and the dwindling scent of dew following behind. It rained yesterday, which had prevented her from going out to gather supplies, but the mild morning air had been accommodating enough for her to get an early start and make the trip. She was glad she did.
One hand clutched her new prize to her chest, while the other held a fraying wicker basket filled with herbs and some edible roots she gathered by exploring the forbidden forest. Despite her reservations regarding where she chose to go, her excitement now lingered like a steady thrum of shifting stones, giving her energy that defied how long she had been walking. She all but pranced beneath the burgeoning night's sky, gleefully toeing the line between the dirt pathways of the settlement’s outskirts and the trees of unclaimed land. Normally, her path back home would never be so close to the village, but she was far too gleeful to mind. She had come back with a sense of fulfillment and a rare object—or if not rare, then hopefully of great value.
It was hard to point to any one specific reason that she came across the orb. There had always been a ‘draw’ during her travels, urging her that there was something missing in her life, yet it was no more than a mild whim to walk in a particular direction more often than not. Once she reached this part of the continent, she was compelled to wander, never quite able to explain why she obliged the sensation besides having nowhere in particular to be. Even when she finally settled somewhere, it stayed in the back of her mind, suggesting that she was close to whatever would make the pit of vacancy go away. She ignored it, purposefully distracting herself with her work and responsibilities, yet that could only last so long. When she awoke this morning with plans to resupply, and all of her newfound spots had been picked clean by wildlife, she turned to the depths of the forest where she was warned not to tread. It was all too easy to follow the subtle tug in her chest through the loose justification.
The urge to be somewhere grew unbearable with every step closer to the forbidden area. That sense of having a direction she needed to go became stronger and stronger, until she was well into land long since forgotten. She came across an overgrown depression in the hillside, and was entranced by the foreboding image. Something about the cave just…beckoned her. She was far too weak to resist.
Horrible tales echoed into her ears as whispers of fearful voices, warning and unending, yet but a dull drone compared to her hammering heart. She navigated the trees and brushed aside unkempt vines, stepping into the cavern with a mix of expectation and trepidation, then laid eyes on the small obsidian stone perched atop a crumbling pillar. The feeling of needing to travel somewhere…stopped.
The pull was absent, which was why she held the orb close instead of placing it into her basket. She wasn’t sure what it was exactly, but she recalled overheard tales of hidden gemstones, deep cavernous expanses, and the untold terrors that lay within. Comparing the scenes of those fables to the cave seemed foolish now; it wasn’t some torturous chamber, but a dusty depression in a small hillside. Besides, anything this pretty was sure to be worth a fair sum, and she needed the coin. Yet the thought of selling the precious-looking stone was a conflicting one. She shook off the thought for the time being, turning her attention back towards where she was going.
Shadows stretched and faded as the moon stole the last of the illumination afforded by the sun, replacing it with a calming glow that caressed the log frames and thatched roofs of various homes. A star-filled sky came into prominence as clouds lazily drifted away, revealing the promise of tomorrow’s fair-weathered arrival. It was too late for anyone to notice her treading on the edge of their town while lost in thought, but she was still careful not to get too close to the houses or livestock pens where people might be finishing the evening’s duties. It was best that they didn’t see her returning from a place she was told not to go. Still, her feet carried her near the dwellings as she took in the noises.
Ceele enjoyed the comforting chatter from a distance. Indistinct words floated freely. Meaningless gossip and warm goodbyes were exchanged between friends and family. Places of various occupations were dark and quiet, only the faint contented mewls and clucks of livestock coming from their pastures as they ate what was recently put out for them. No metal rang throughout the streets as it was struck inside a centralized smithy, no heated bartering came from an overactive trade house, and the crunch of dirt beneath transport or merchant wagons was absent, replaced by the rapid steps and yelps of children rushing to their homes before it got too dark out. It was all just gentle conversation and life drifting through the wind, taking the rustle of leaves along for the ride, just so she could hear it. Tranquil, in a word.
She wondered what it would sound like if she were yet one more voice within that crowd of kindness. Would it be loud like the larger cities? Would she struggle to maintain a thought with so many stray topics floating about? Would she once more yearn for the peace and quiet of solitude that she had grown used to, or would she immerse herself, free of judgment and laughing like the carefree young that scampered about? Did thinking about it even matter?
Her smile fell from its genuine intensity—still worn, but not as fully. She glanced downward as her stride lost its jubilant bounce, her tail losing its sway as her grey eyes examined the dry black scales that adorned her body against her wishes. It was the ugly hue of tarnished oil, unlike the skin of any other kobold she had met. Some had reds or greens, yellows or whites, while most were between a sandy tan or earthen brown. The rainbow of peculiarities was displayed by the lucky few, and she was one of them…
…Yet she was different in the worst of ways.
Even if she would rather any other colour, she supposed it was that way to make sure no one came near without accepting the unspoken risks. That was what her mother always said, anyway, though the woman hardly feared much of anything in her old age, and dedicated herself to giving her offspring all the love she had left to give—a perk of living a full life. She would always help her daughter bathe, complimenting the colour of what most were unnerved by. That was more than a decade ago now, however. Ceele’s parents had passed on while she was still young, and she took to travelling not long after, working at what she could to afford what little she needed. Never for long, though—just enough to get to the next town between where she was and where the urge to go lay. There were certainly moments she looked back on fondly, but the journey had taken its toll.
The crude material of her ‘dress’ was coarse, old, and heavy, but it helped ease the worst of spring's chill—even if it was more of a modified sack than proper attire. Still, it was all she had after the last of her clothing fell apart, and giving the repurposed material a name that reminded her of something else made it less uncomfortable to wear, somehow. It would have to do until she could afford a pitying seamstress or the like. Until then, she would pretend she didn’t look so desperate, even if it only highlighted her status and made finding work difficult.
But it did. The dishevelled garment was a far cry from the wonderful silks or breathtaking designs she had seen some women wear, harshly marking the distinction between herself and those of affluence. The clothing of commoners was also a leap in style and quality, so she couldn't say her attire was up to even modest standards. No matter how hard she squinted, and no matter how much she fantasized otherwise, she seemed every bit like the vagrant she was, down to the soil embedded in the curvature of her claws and the stains throughout her fabrics. She looked like a serf from the more oppressed lands, yet they too wore crude cottons, which said a lot about how she appeared to those who had never lived a life of servitude. It was obvious that she was an outsider. That she didn't belong amongst the rest. It made changing something as simple as her appearance all the more difficult; prospective employment always saw a young woman who seemed more likely to steal or swindle than make an honest day’s living.
There was one good twist of fate in recent memory, however, and she came upon the result of it after leaving the slowing bustle of the village behind. Her steps carried her through a small copse of trees on the outskirts of town, the small shaded path leading to the back of a large, carefully pruned clearing, a scattering of fruit-bearing trees providing even darker shadow than the already dim moonlight. She skirted along the aging fence on the border that kept predatory animals away, carefully hoisting herself over the barrier where a large vegetable garden she was responsible for tending resided. If one were to tell her she would be living in such an area several months ago, she would have smiled politely and walked away, yet here she was.
A modest, warmly lit home occupied the middle of the clearing, sitting front and centre when one approached from the village path. It looked quite cozy, surrounded by berry bushes that were just beginning to bloom as the last dregs of winter slipped away. A front patio displayed a nice table and well-loved chairs, the rustic appearance only adding to its charm as a place where friends and family spent the warm summer afternoons. A smithy to the left of the house functioned as an additional heated building during the colder months, but usually served as a storefront and to muffle the sounds of hammered iron, though that had become less common. An old stable was nearby, close enough to be accessible, but not so close as to disturb the once occupying animals with sounds of iron craft. It hadn't seen a horse in quite some time, apparently, so it was mostly a workshop for whatever tasks didn’t require fire or metal.
There was a long history attached to each little detail—from the scuffs along the wooden siding to the depressions in the ground where daily routine wore into the earth. Every fault suffered throughout the years was matched by a thousand quirks that made it feel welcoming, like the house itself was merely waiting for the next friendly face with one of its own. She knew that the inside of each building would look just as cared for.
Her concern lay outside, however. It was a comparatively miniscule space just barely visible through the sheltering trees, true, yet it was where her efforts turned into tangible results, and where a stranger’s trust was painstakingly repaid. Once overgrown grass had been laboriously trimmed, the weeds plucked and disposed of, and now nothing distracted from what she could claim she had done.
The small plots of rock-bordered soil had little buds of growing vegetables, a sense of pride never failing to bloom in her breast with the knowledge that it would be barren without her touch. When her troubles and concerns grew heavy, and fears of the future or spectres of the past loomed over her head, she could look at where she had brought life where it wouldn't otherwise be. Some days, that was enough. She smiled in appreciation at what was admittedly amateur work, the night’s sky helping to hide any inevitably made mistakes.
She enjoyed the sight for a moment longer, then turned to walk towards a neglected old tool shed that was well out of sight within the trees, far away from whatever warmth and comfort the larger house offered to everyone and anyone. She put a hand on the degrading wood of the entryway, giving one last sad smile at the garden as she dismissed selfish thoughts of taking the eventual harvest for herself. A breath cleared the uncertainty from her voice, and she pushed open the door.
“I'm home!”
= = = = =
It took a while for Altier to adjust to his situation, and even once he accepted that his mana wasn't being siphoned, he was still reeling from confusion. He had spent centuries with every year passing by without his notice, yet now he was painfully aware of each creeping second languidly dragging on with the expediency of growing grass. It was as disorienting as it was painfully nostalgic.
Time was something he was never good with, and it only got worse as a dungeon. He'd get lost in creating rooms, corridors, creatures, and whatever else needed doing, only pausing to watch or listen to the few adventurers he became interested in. There was a stint where he spent what felt like hours agonizing over new abilities or options while he let the system manage things in the background, though he supposed it might have been much longer. So many wasted days, yet he still hadn't managed to try everything he had gained access to. Some abilities were simply too niche, came with concerning titles, or held descriptions that made him wary. Anything with ‘Decay’ in the name was instantly ignored—he didn't need more reasons to fear his affinity, and from the few he took the effort to read through, they were always vile.
But his existence for the moment was no longer like those endless stretches spent pondering the minutiae of what would help his adventurers grow stronger. Now, he could follow the rhythmic sounds of footsteps and steady breathing that set a calming pace. They were someone else's, yes, but they contextualized how easy it was to slip away without the subtle noises of life that he had long since surrendered to help his family. Of course, there were more differences that he noticed since being removed from his crumbling cavern, and his sight was the newest change.
He never gave much thought to how far he could see before. Why would he? As a man, his world extended as far as he could fathom, yet was also confined to the room where he spent his days, and as a dungeon… Well, who was he to consider distance when an event happening miles away could be seen with a flicker of thought? Nothing was too far when it was within his creation. Or his ‘body,’ he supposed. Sadly, his entire perception currently consisted of the small sphere of his obsidian core, and maybe a finger's length beyond it—which is to say, not much. He could make out the fine details in the dirty burlap he was held against, and how pale moonlight slowly took over the blurred reds of sunset, but hardly anything more. It was all just frosted colours after a certain point, and he found it infinitely frustrating. He just wanted to peer beyond the haze and scaly hand holding him to confirm that the sky he remembered was still there. Alas, the sunlight faded at too quick a pace, yet one oh so agonizingly slow.
The ensuing darkness gave him nothing to do but think about where he was, not that he had any ideas. He was too curious about why he wasn't dead to bother much with his blurry surroundings after the soft-spoken kobold abducted him, thus why he only belatedly noticed how limited his worldview had become. There might have been a forest beyond his cave, but the greens and browns were gone, and the sounds of steps through brush was replaced by the distant din of a village. An idle curiosity pondered if he would recognize any descents of his ‘family tradition’ adventurers there, but he was being carried by what most considered a monster, so likely not.
That short musing was short-lived, however, and he brought his focus back to the matter at hand. He supposed he was being taken somewhere specific, but that was an obvious deduction, considering he was taken at all. The why of the matter was less so; for what purpose would someone want a Decay-aligned core? He hadn’t heard of them before…well, before he was made into one, but he couldn’t imagine many uses. Maybe he was being sold? His…kidnapper? His sudden companion seemed rather pleased by their discovery of him, so that might be the case, and it was morbidly amusing to think that a frail, sickly young man might one day become a coveted, highly valuable item. His abduction could also be a part of some cult’s nefarious activities, but he didn't want to think about that too hard. He experienced enough odd ceremonies from the adventurers who took the time to tell him their tales.
Either way, he wasn't in the dungeon anymore, and he couldn’t see where he was going. He tried to query his menu to glean an answer, but was met with a scrambled mess he suspected read ‘Synchronizing…’ and little else. It gave him a headache trying to make sense of it—which he didn't know was possible anymore—so he dismissed the text and distracted himself with blurs from whatever diluted senses he still had. There wasn’t much to observe other than the constant footfalls and the flicker of shadows on his companion’s burlap garment. They might have travelled through brush again, but it was too dark to really say for certain.
Eventually, there was something new. He heard an old latch rattle and rusted door hinges groan, then a shuddered clack that confirmed he was now in a building. His kobold acquaintance gently cooed at something before moving about the nearly pitch-black space, finally setting him down on a… He wasn’t sure what it was, besides old and wooden.
[D$#@m$n E@$*ded]
The headache from before became a blinding migraine that suffocated him under a flash-flood of suffering. Seconds passed in abject torture until it blissfully abated, the mental blinks clearing his mind enough to notice a change in his existence. Specifically, he could actually see something besides the rotting wood grain he was placed on top of.
And it wasn’t anything promising…
He was more or less in the centre of a room no bigger than twelve paces by maybe ten. Not a terrible size for a space, but it was clearly never meant to house someone. His resting place looked about as neglected as he surmised; it was an upturned feeding trough, he supposed, since calling it a table seemed too generous. The surface was rife with holes and degraded iron, so it was something that once saw regular use before being replaced and tossed into storage, never to see the light of day again.
Actually, most things in the room seemed to fit that description. The window shutters were installed with metal hinges that had since rusted them closed, the misalignment letting in a draft—and whatever weather was outside as well, most likely. A poorly carved bowl sat on the floor, the stain beneath it hinting that it collected any rainwater that slowly dripped from the leaky roof. The wooden floorboards looked old, splintered, and in need of maintenance or replacement, though an effort had been put into abrading it somewhat smooth lately.
A tiny and decrepit fireplace was to the left of the door upon entry, its brickwork slowly crumbling due to weathering and age. It was sized more for keeping the room warm during mild days than to keep away the frigid chill of night. Its base only held cold ashes, but there was a collection of deadwood and scraps nearby, so that would probably be rectified soon. A small wheel-less cart had been turned into storage against the opposite wall, some herbs and other foraged items stowed away in it for future use. Various things he remembered seeing his father and brothers use in the fields were scattered about, too. It was nostalgic to see, honestly, even if his recollections had blurred over time.
Bundles of tattered blankets formed a pair of nests in the far corner, the smaller of the two had a pile of rough plants nearby. That answered his silent pondering of the room's purpose somewhat, though he was pretty sure the bedding material was salvaged, and there didn’t seem to be any hay or padding underneath whoever was sleeping on it. He didn’t know what to think about the weeds; they were purposefully placed there, and whoever did so had taken the time to wash them, but it was still strange.
He couldn’t see a doorway besides the entrance, yet most of the hallmarks of residency were put where space could be afforded, however crude. All in all, he surmised that it was a gardening shed of sorts, and his new acquaintance apparently lived here. He wasn't sure what he was expecting when a creature he had only read about came into his dungeon, but it wasn't being brought to a rundown and decrepit shack for unknown purposes.
Even if he had been raised by parents who made a humble living at the best of times, and they had emptied their coffers for unsuccessful attempts to ease his ailments, his acquaintance's living space made him uncomfortable. His family's house was never anything fancy, true—it shared some of the worn qualities that inevitably gathered over the years—but it was never this bad. His home benefited from a father's touch keeping it robust and a mother’s love keeping it warm, whereas this place had seen neither in quite some time. Oh, there was evidence that such was once the case; a wall was adorned with carefully made and well-spaced hangers for the various gardening tools, though the implements themselves had become a victim of neglect. That being said, he could make out the fresh soil and recent scratches exposing furrows of silver, so they were seeing use again.
A scrape and clack of flint drew his attention to his kobold companion. They were kneeling in front of the fireplace, methodically sparking life back into a dead flame with twigs and dried leaves. A slow, steady breath into the reddened base illuminated its face with a dull orange glow, revealing its weary visage and the permanently etched smile that rested beneath its cold grey eyes. The black-scaled kobold looked tired, if he were to guess—much the same as Altier did when he spent countless days watching everyone living a life he could never have through the mossy window of his bedroom. He was probably humanizing it too much. Still, he was surprised by the muted pang of sympathy, and how he would feel much more than blithe curiosity after spending so much time alone in the crumbling crypt of his own making.
A mental breath cycled through him as he looked at the odds and ends yet to be observed. Hardly anything else was of note—everything else was degraded and neglected, too. He did notice a nest of blankets move though, which was as good a distraction as any. The answer to his previous ‘pile of weeds’ inquiry poked a tiny nose from a crease in the fabric, then rapidly pawed at the blankets to dig itself out. Altier stared at the creature in both recognition and confusion.
It was a rabbit…or at least it looked like one, assuming you were to also describe a porcupine and a sea urchin as well. He was pretty sure he didn’t remember any hare that had jagged metal-tipped fur, nor that had said fur arranged into a row of spiked horns that flowed down its spine, terminating at a large fluffy tail, which was equally bizarre to see. The whole of its coat could double as a weapon, with semi-sharp barbs sticking off seemingly at random, yet he remembered an adventurer saying most animals used that sort of thing defensively. He increased his focus as he tried to make sense of the odd creature. Surely he would have heard about—
[Hoppittttttt#%%÷ — Ferro-o-orabbit-it (Ma%$le)
Abil—]
[Null]
[Er0Rrrrrrrr—]
[Und#$f—]
He bit back the pain caused by the sudden intrusion of his menu, blanking out the text and mentally retreating to hide from the source. Did he just inspect something? How? Shouldn’t his entire…‘framework,’ was it…? Yes, that was it. Shouldn’t that have been corrupted? Why could he see the creature’s information when his entire framework was damaged? That was the first ability he lost, so why is it the first to be functional? How was it functional? Was it? It did just spit garbled text at him, but it was something, and that was more than he had gotten from it in a very long time. If it was somehow working—no matter how poorly—then that left the question of why he hadn't heard of anything called a ‘ferrorabbit’ before, assuming he read that correctly.
A soft thud vibrated the tro— table, startling him out of thought. He turned his attention to the button nose wiggling erratically at him, the short, stubby muzzle leading to surprisingly expressive and curious red eyes. Dull brown fur jutted off in random tufts and patches, changing to a darker tint on its paws and the upper half of its ears, while the tips of its spikes were a muted hue of iron. It still seemed just as soft as the less pointed variety he remembered, if a touch dirty. Upright ears twitched this way and that way as its head vigorously shook, eventually settling on pointing in his direction when it calmed down enough.
It was apparent that he had its undivided attention…for all of a few seconds. His scaly companion called something out in their foreign tongue, and whatever conclusion the pointy-furred animal came to, it seemed more interested in the kobold, parting from him after nudging his core with its nose.
[Cre-e-e—]
[Errrrrrr0r: Undefiiiiiiii—]
[Acceeeeep-t-t-t??]
[Yeeee— s s / Nnnnnnn—]
He winced at the intrusion, but the contents detracted from the pain. He couldn’t remember the system ever asking him a question without his explicit intent being involved. It wanted him to…accept something? Was it the system prompting him, or the animal? What was he to accept?
[Creatuuuuu—]
[Acce-e-e-%#@ed!]
…What?
= = = = =
“Hoppit, that's not food!” Ceele admonished half-heartedly, placing a larger branch on the burgeoning flame before she got to her feet. She wasn’t actually that worried; the stone was as big as his head, and she was pretty sure he couldn't bite into it. Hopefully. “Come here, momma has a treat for you!”
The ferrorabbit playfully bumped the gemstone and jumped off the low table, landing with a soft thud that belied how heavy he was for his tiny size. He wiggled in excitement, his ears flailing and releasing a slight clack whenever the two connected. It got even louder when she grabbed her basket and put away the useful herbs, taking out a specific item that she had gathered just for him. The little bun wasted no time in scurrying over and standing tall on his hind legs to judge if the offered plant was to his liking—and it was, based on how he dug in with enthusiasm. She stifled a laugh as she contentedly watched him nibble away on the treat, ignoring the guilt that came with knowing she couldn't afford proper vegetables for him. He had a hard life too, and it tore at her to have so little to give.
She came across Hoppit a year ago, during a storm that worsened while she was travelling between towns. The day had darkened to night in spite of it still being about noon, but the weather didn't care for how bright it was supposed to be. Wind and rain became a typhoon, forcing her to seek shelter in a thankfully abandoned den of what was probably a larger animal. She was fine with waiting out the squall, since the stone roof over her head was more than she usually had back then, but the sounds of dull bangs and thuds near her hideaway was followed by cries of animals yelping in pain. Curiosity won over reason, and she left the safety of her shelter to see what was causing the disturbance. Truthfully, she was hopeful that she'd come across scraps or the like, her hunger driving her forward, and she could always turn back if it seemed dangerous. Yet when she arrived at the source of the commotion, she found herself thinking of anything but food.
Two predators had fought over a small burrow, both trying to dig out a meal and taking offence to the other doing the same. What they didn’t know was that they were assaulting the home of ferrorabbits. Specifically, the home of an angry, protective, and well-fed mother that was keeping her newborns safe from the storm when predators decided to try their luck. From the scene Ceele came across, it was certainly obvious why most people dislike trying to hunt the creatures.
Sadly, the rabbit didn't survive an attack from two predators, but she did make their victory pyrrhic; neither could do much about their hunger with their bodies full of cuts and holes, and it was only a matter of time before they succumbed to blood loss or infection. The mother's sacrifice meant that the babies had avoided the imminent threat, but they were left unattended as a consequence, and it took an opportunistic bird swooping down to shake Ceele out of her shock. Despite her subsequent hurry, she only acted in time to save one of the orphaned young. The warren was new and barely dug out, which meant that it didn’t take much effort for the kits to be found—by both her and hungry maws. All she could do was scoop the ball of fluff into her arms and run back to the cave before anything else tried to eat it.
In retrospect, it was a stupid decision for a number of factors. She barely had the resources to supply herself, and an attempt to raise offspring of any type would only make the inevitable heartbreak worse. But when she saw how quiet and scared he was… How his tiny, shaking body calmed in her arms, those terrified red eyes seeking comfort… She should have just walked away when she knew there wasn’t going to be anything to fill her stomach. She should have put the baby animal down and let nature take its course…yet the preciously furry face stole her heart far too quickly for it to grow so cold. The next day was spent backtracking to the nearest town to get him something suitable to eat, which used most of her meagre savings. Still, it was worth every coin.
Hoppit had been accompanying her ever since. He grew quickly, transitioning from something she saved that stormy night into a presence she had grown to love like a child. The little lagomorph would bounce along beside her during her travels, then ride in her arms as he rested—though the latter happened with worrying frequency as of late. She hadn’t learned much about the springy herbivores, but she knew enough to say that he wasn't as big as he should be, nor was his fur as sharp. No matter how startled he was, his spiky coat never managed to do more than stiffen slightly, which was apparently a side effect of poor diet, according to snippets of conversation she had overheard on the topic. She wanted him to be healthy, but she didn't know what he needed. Not many farmers raised ferrorabbits, and those that did were far away, so she didn’t have anyone to ask what she should be doing. Her best course of action was to give him what little she had.
Ceele was well aware of how he would be better off on his own, but he followed her whenever she tried to set him free. Hoppit just kept launching into her arms and wiggling his ears, ecstatic that he was with her again, uncaring that food was scarce and that they spent most of their days travelling. No amount of cold nights spent bundling up under the tattered blankets she managed to find ever dampened his spirits, and he was content to eat the grass or flowers whenever he felt like it, oblivious to the fact that he wasn’t getting enough nutrition. He would dig and excitedly drag back oddities that he found, and the one time he found a plant that looked particularly good for him, he insisted that it be shared with her.
A black pit still lingered in her chest when she recalled how pleased he was while he munched on the rare vegetable he discovered, then how distressed he became when she wouldn’t have any as well. He bumped and nipped at her, all but begging her to eat. His ears pinned back against his head, his fur bristled in a way she hadn’t seen since. It was only when she took a small bite and let him inspect the new teeth marks that he seemed to calm down, but perhaps she had been looking too deep into the actions of her tiny friend. All she could say for certain was that he was scared she was going hungry.
A morbid thought wondered if his first mother had refused food shortly before being attacked, and he—as small and simple as he was—had connected the two events in his mind, making him absolutely terrified that something would happen if Ceele didn’t have something too. All of that fear, and desperation overwhelmed him, just because she was happier watching him eat. She was determined to erase that issue. She would find something that needed a worker and earn enough to feed them both. One day, she would be able to smile at how big and healthy her little fluffy boy had become, but until then, it was becoming increasingly difficult not to think about how she was spending so much time growing vegetables and fruit that he couldn’t have…
Every morning was an exercise in tending to the gardens while actively shoving down images of a pleased ferrorabbit happily eating the results. That never went well; no matter how determined she was to complete her duties without a single selfish thought, most tasks were done while picturing his full belly and delighted bounces. There were a few weeks until the fastest of the crops would be ready for harvest, and Ceele would have to collect them while fighting the urge to bring back just a few for him.
She couldn’t, because she knew exactly how quickly that could escalate. It would start small—A vegetable here, a fruit there—but seeing Hoppit happy was one of the precious few good things she had in her life. Crossing the line would only become easier each time. They couldn’t risk losing their new home over greed, and she was already betraying the trust given to her by housing a wild animal, especially one known to be a pest for crops. She didn't want to know how angry it would make her benefactors if she was caught taking their vegetables for one.
No matter how tame and precious Hoppit was, and no matter how well he listened, they would only see him as the same creature that ruined harvests in droves. Thus was why she had to tell him to stay cooped up by himself while she was working or scavenging. And to her surprise, he did.
Honestly, she had made the initial request with the expectation of needing to carry him back into their home until he understood that she wasn’t leaving him forever. There wasn’t much she could do to stop the ferrorabbit from digging through the old wooden building if he wanted to get out. He wouldn’t need to damage anything either—a rotting board on the door only needed a little push to nudge it out of the way, and his natural curiosity made sure he was aware of it. But no, Hoppit was well-behaved as always, keeping hidden until she walked through the door, where he would leap from the shadows to personally show her how good he was and how he stayed put like she asked him to. It never stopped amazing her that he had such a surprising level of understanding despite being an animal, and that was to say nothing of how young he was.
All that intelligence, joy, and companionship he offered her…and yet the best she could give back to him was the weeds from the garden and the odd plant she found while scavenging…
Soft clacks of flicking ears dragged her from her pondering, her mind returning to the present. Hoppit finished his treat of the small plant, then bounced in place and scurried over to his bowl of water, perfectly happy to have eaten only that. He was so joyful with how little she provided, approaching every day of scarcity with the same enthusiasm she could never muster, as if certain that everything would be alright.
“It’s bedtime, Hoppit,” Ceele announced through a soft sigh, stoking the fire with enough branches to hopefully last the night. The ferrorabbit perked an ear in her direction, then sat on his haunches to extend the rest of himself up, his two little forepaws adorably held to his chest as he inspected the room like he always did. She smiled and made sure everything was stored away, then laid down on her bundle of blankets, covering herself with the warmest one. Hoppit bolted over to snuggle once he decided everything in the shed was up to his standards, throwing himself to the floor in a dramatic flop of comfort. Her quiet laughter subsided as they both settled in for the night, her tail completing the rabbit’s encompassing cuddle, but her eyes fell towards the obsidian orb on the table, her thoughts following suit.
It sat there, just as she left it, as benign as anything else ever placed atop the improvised furnishing. Yet there was a sense of ease and purpose as well. The old wooden trough seemed…important with its adornment firmly laid upon its surface, and she couldn’t puzzle out why. She was starting to doubt her earlier excitement.
Should she sell it? Would anyone know where it came from? Would anyone know what it was, or if it was worth anything? If she could get even a modest sum for it, she would be able to buy clothing, food, and new bedding. It would be easier to convince someone to give her work if she was dressed better and wasn’t so thin, and then she would have the income to slowly improve both of their lives. She could pay for a wandering merchant to ask a ferrorabbit rancher about the animal, even if it would take time to get back to her, or maybe she could hire a local if they needed to go near one for some reason. The cost didn’t matter to her as long as it happened.
But there was something else bothering her about the idea of selling the stone. She had travelled so far with a tug in her chest, only for the feeling of wanderlust to dissipate as soon as she held it. Was that a sign? She was never one for things like ‘fate,’ but a niggling doubt in her mind discouraged the idea of making a profit off her discovery. Even if what she could gain was so very tempting, and even if Hoppit would be happier if she did…
She tore her dampened eyes away and closed them, ignoring the burning trails running across her face. It would be another early morning, and she needed to sleep so she could take care of the garden. Decisions like this could wait. Once she had nothing else distracting her, and she had time to properly think about it, she would see how she felt about the stone.
Eventually, she dozed off with Hoppit pressed against her chest, and a longing in her heart.
Next
—
A/N: Patreon and Ko-fi will be 1 chap ahead this time around, and I've set it so everything from the lowest tier up can read the newest trashfire! Anything above that is sheer show of love. Hope you enjoyed!

TLDR: Nannying is a very hard job. There would probably be a lot more nannies who work as hard as one needs to do this job well if the pay matched the value and difficulty of the work.
I’ve been pretty active in this sub lately because I’ve been feeling unhappy at my job and it helps to have a community. I wrote this a while ago and have been nervous to post it but I think it’s important. I saw a post in nannyemployers asking where all of the “good” nannies have gone and this was the response I was writing until I realised the replies were to be from NP only.. I would post in the nanny employers sub if I weren’t terrified of the response. I know I’m singing to the choir here and I know saying it out loud doesn’t change much. But I am so, so angry, so imma just send it.
As a nanny who has two college degrees, practices Montessori, Reggio Emilia, and RIE, and as someone who has always loved and wanted to work with kids, there simply is not enough money in this career path to stick to it. I personally simply cannot rationalise doing the amount of physical and emotional work that is required for me to do this job as well as I want to for the typical pay, even though I absolutely love it.
For my background, experience, and approach, I am in a severely underpaid position (even when disregarding my qualifications it would still be severely underpaid.) Because of my personal and financial situation at the time of my job search, I did not have the luxury to wait for a unicorn family to offer me the salary I was looking for. I found a family that was a good fit and accepted the position even though I felt it was very much underpaid. I am now in a position where I am continuously battling wanting to work as hard as I can for these kids and this family, and realising I can’t break my back for them while being this underpaid (I mean I literally threw my back out during this job). I’m not someone who breaks a commitment easily but I guess I could move from family to family, waiting to find one who is able to financially respect the value of this work, or I could stick it out and get $2/hr raises every year, but I can’t wait 10 years to finally get close to being paid what I know a proper nanny is worth. Yes there certainly are some nanny employers who properly respect this work and are able to financially meet it’s value, but in my experience they are few and far between. I have found that the overwhelming majority of nannies are severely underpaid and overworked.
Nannies are asked to have flexible schedules, work long hours, take on a laundry list of responsibilities, develop personal emotional relationships with children that aren’t theirs while keeping a professional distance, pay for and organise their own continued training, be emotionally and socially engaged with children all day long, and more. But above all, the most important aspect of nannying is managing our stress is such a way that allows us to stay in an executive state of functioning all day every single day. People deeply underestimate and undervalue the amount of hard and constant work it takes to keep oneself in an executive state of functioning day in and day out, especially in a high stress position where you are helping other people regulate their bodies all day on top of yours, AND are constantly sick and tired and being pushed and tested. I think that this ability is what makes the difference in a “good” nanny and is often the most overlooked, misunderstood, and undervalued aspect of the job responsibilities.
I want to be a good nanny, it’s my dream job to be the best nanny there is, and I used to think that I could accept being in an undervalued role because “it takes a village” and I wanted to do my part and this was my passion. But it doesn’t feel good to be undervalued financially and socially, in fact it feels really really bad, and this is why I will no longer be pursuing a career as a nanny. Even if I found my unicorn position, it wouldn’t change the fact that the overwhelming majority of my nanny peers are still underpaid and undervalued, and that doesn’t feel good. It makes me want to leave, and I think all of the other underpaid nannies should leave too. (We need a union or something, is this a thing?)
The market is oversaturated and undervalued. Not everyone needs a nanny now that quarantine is over (a full-time nanny, not babysitter or after school care). I have both worked at a preschool and as a nanny and I have found that a setting with multiple children of similar age is far better developmentally for a child than spending most of their time with a single adult and a sibling or two, even for young babies. I think a healthy mix of a daycare setting and family time at home is probably best but can be the most difficult to achieve with the current work culture. This is no one’s fault, the overworking culture is a burden of late stage capitalism that we all face. However, it is the burden of the parents to solve their work/life balance. This is a very big part of what one signs up for when becoming a parent. It is not the burden of the nanny to work more for less or the children to miss being with their parents (I’d say two doctor NP are pretty much the only ones who’d get a pass here).
It’s no one person’s fault that nannies are financially undervalued, the value of personal childcare and domestic work has a long saturated history fraught with misogyny and racism. Have you compared the average wage of a plumber (male dominated domestic work) to that of a nanny (female dominated domestic work)? And don’t tell me plumbing requires more training or is harder than nannying, I assure you they are of comparable difficulty especially considering there’s no step by step instructions on YouTube for nannying. (And if you do consider plumbing to be that much hard than nannying, what do you think gives you that perception? I mean as a parent, one should know that nannying absolutely is not just playing with kids all day, even if that’s all you ask your nanny to do. What subconscious bias could be giving you the perception that bringing up children is less difficult and of less value than screwing pipes together? Have you taken a race or gender studies class? Have you seen The Help? Don’t answer, just think.)
Plumbers make average $28/hr in the states, mechanics $26, for nannies it’s $20 (and that’s being generous). That’s a ¢70 on the dollar comparison. It is time we all realise that nannying is an underpaid and undervalued role and work to change that. If the wage being offered across the board better matched the value of the work, I think one would find a lot more serious nannies and a lot more current nannies taking the job more seriously.
I didn’t get it at first, why so many nannies at the park seemed so burnt out and disinterested in the kids. Oh boy do I get it now. I want nothing more than to do my best in this role, but in the past few months after nearly being stiffed by NP, not receiving a bonus from them when I really thought I would, and overall realising I am being taken advantage of and am a human mine to them, I have realised that I can no longer put my all into this job for my own health and sanity. Being properly compensated is the primary motivating aspect of all work especially in the society we are a part of. After loosing my sense of respect from NP, I’ve lost most of the non-financial motivation I started out with and am left with what little motivation my petite pay check gives me, and the kids can tell.
Since my fallout with NP, I have pulled back emotionally from the kids. I’m not mean and I am still doing every responsibility in my contract to the letter (and then some still), but I am no longer as emotionally available to them as I was. I am shorter and more curt with them, I don’t take as much time with them to sit and talk about every feeling they have, and I’m not working as hard to help them break the bad habits NP give them that NP specifically ask me to break (one example - NP want NK to walk everywhere with me but then always use the stroller with NP and every time we go out it’s a fight to use the stroller or not. Guess who’s been using the stroller far more often lately). Anyway, the past week my NK 3f has been quietly crying before her nap and I’m sure it’s because she’s felt me pull away from her. It’s breaking my heart and I’ve been trying to give her extra cuddles, but I have to protect myself first now. This is a job and these aren’t my kids and I can no longer rationalise putting them first emotionally especially considering I am burnt TF out, torn down, and left feeling used up and tossed aside without any recognition or proper thanks from NP.
I don’t know what the perfect number is, the number I would say many NP would probably think is too high, and maybe they’re not looking for a nanny who works as hard as I and others do. But I can tell you that $17/hr before taxes in a VHCOL area does not even come close to close. I think we can all easily recognise that the financial value of this job needs to better match the value of the work, in general and across the board. We’re talking about the people caring for and raising the future generations here, I mean how is this not the most coveted role in our society?
This is my Roman Empire and I will die on this hill every. single. time.

Hi I just came across a novel, chosen by the moon novel by izabella W. Its on pay by chapter websites, I've opened and read a few chapters but I can't seem to find any free version or chapter version anywhere. Please help. If anyone has read it I'm willing to take spoilers. Here's the advert I found below of it on Facebook.
Lycanthrope species is a disgusting race. And I, Delan Riley, am nothing more than a human scum in their eyes never expected those species would turn my world upside down. Since when the lycans managed to penetrate our town, like in the early 1900's we have a hierarchy, upper class = the lycans, middle class = mated humans, and lower class = the normal humans, who were basically considered scum. I endured their torment day after day, vowing to run away from them one day, until that day came and everything changed.
Dylan POV "Humans," I scowled at the principal's words from tannoy. "The Alpha twins will be celebrating their birthday tomorrow, as such, festivities are in order." Oh great, the Alphas twin children. Adrian and Arya are the worst lycans alive. I swear just because they are the alphas kids they literally get away with everything. If their birthday is tomorrow, then the wolves are going to be worse than ever. "All students will be present to greet them, two lines will be made, with humans on the left and the lycanthrope on the right. Any mated human will be at the front of the line for their year, you will all also be in order of your school year. That is all." Chat broke out the minute the tannoy was finished. "We haven't had a school gathering since the alpha king visited three years ago, before his sons coronation." Nick was right, the last time we all gathered like that was for the king and queens visit, when he decided to let the world know that he was to renounce his title to his only child, son Josh. "That sick bestard, he wants to make sure everyone is there so those idiot twins can find their mates." Yes I was mad, my fists connected with the table in front of me once more as I thought about how disgusting the situation was. You see the twins will be turning 17, so it's very possible someone in our school could be their mate, finding a mate is sacred to a wolf, the minute they say that one word your fate is sealed. They will turn your mind, morph you into being a lover of their kind, and then you'll give in.

That won't happen to me, I'm growing old to see the world as it once was, and I'm going to choose who I'll be with. No one will take that dream away from me.

Once dinner was finished, I just wanted to sleep. I'd had a very long tiring day, I quickly sat down on a small stool my mother kept in the storage closet and removed my shirt while my brother Freddy sat at the table to do his simple homework. It wasn't long before my mother came in with a large bowl of warm salt water and some cotton, this was going to sting I just knew it. She was here to help me with the wounds caused by wolves yesterday. She slowly began to unwrap the bandage from around my torso and slowed down drastically when it came to the final layer, I felt it peel off every wound and my fists clenched in pain. "Jesus!" I heard my mom exclaim once the dressing was completely removed. The air on my back was nice though and I sighed as my arm covered my once again exposed brests. "This is more than 15!" I began to hear sniffles coming from her and sighed turning round to look at her face, only to notice tears streaming down it. "Mom I'm fine, it's alright." She shook her head. "It's not alright, I'm your mother I shouldn't let these things happen. I'm so sorry. Your father would have..." here she goes again. Every single time something happened she'd always bring up dad, it really annoyed me because no matter how much we all wish he was here, he just isn't. My father was kiled by THEIR kind, almost 5 years ago when they actually managed to take over. When the lycans managed to penetrate our town my father rose up with some people from the neighborhood, to defend our livelihood, it was futile to say the least. We lost many people and I watched as my dad was ripped apart by two fully shifted wolves, I ended up shoting him to stop his suffering before they dragged me to the courtyard, i was the person to receive the first lashing of the town when I was 12! The wolves have been pretty strict with me since that day. "Stop being stvpid!" Was I harsh? Definitely! Did she need to hear it again, absolutely. "Dad is dead, we don't know what he'd do because he never knew this life. He never knew this world." I know what he'd have done, most likely attacked the guy who held the whip and got himself kiled in the process. "The best thing you can do for me, is stop crying and help me, next time don't insist on helping if you can't handle it." She began to wash my open wounds with the warm salt water causing loud winces to leave me, I knew it was necessary to prevent infection, but my god it hurt like a betch. "Some of these are really deep Dylan!" She sniffed again and my eyes rolled in my head. "I told you, I'm fine, just wrap me back up so I can get to bed." My mom was obviously more impacted by my injuries than I was, I suppose that always the case though. When it's happening to you, you've just got to get through it but when it's happening to someone you love, you just want to take their pain away. She quickly placed a fresh bandage around my waist and chest and wrapped it tightly for compression. The bowl of water that was used was now red in color, I guess from the blood my back was dripping with. "Can you keep your head down please? At least just this week. You can't take any more lashings." I simply nodded before standing up away from the stool, I walked over to Freddie and ruffled his hair in affection. "Good night squirt." He giggled and fixed his hair slightly. "Night Dilly." I smiled walking upstairs to my little bedroom, as soon as I was inside i shut the door and flopped down on to my bed on my stomach and I took a minute to cry to myself at the pain in my back, what my mom did was important but it hurt, not that I'd ever tell her. My hand covered my mouth quickly to muffle any noise I might be making. I couldn't tell anyone, I had to be strong because more and more people were crumpling these days, and my mom would break if she knew how much I was suffering. Sleep followed me shortly after, she was right though about me needing to keep my head down for the time being, I could not take another lashing! After a long night and an even longer morning, we were all finally stood in the hallway at school waiting for the twins to arrive. "Mine!" Everyone that was stood in the hallway tensed up, as we were seniors, me and Nick were stood towards the very back of the human line. All the mated people were situated directly opposite their wolf mates in their years. We stayed silent and still as Arya walked down the hall and stopped directly in front of Nick. His eyes widened in fear, unsure of wether to look up or keep his head lowered. "Look me in the eye, mate." He glanced at me slightly as if asking what he should do. "I said, look me in the eye." He slowly moved his eye line up to look at her face. I took a glance myself to see her eyes pitch black with lust. "I... can't... I mean... erm." Before he was able to mutter anything else, two wolves from opposite, grabbed him out of the line and dragged him behind Arya. "Hey!" My head shot up before I could stop myself. My mouth also forgot its place as I jumped out of line. Everyone's head shot to me as my eyes widened in realization at what I'd done. Adrian, the other twin, walked up to me before punching me right in the stomach, I doubled over instantly. Feeling the sting in my slightly healed back. "I know you... You were publicly flogged only two days ago." God I hate this guy. "I also have it on good authority, that you openly spoke out against our rules and regulations in yesterday's class." My head shot down the line slightly to see Erin, looking a little frightened, her mate, the beta to be was looking at her, nodding his head in reassurance. "You traitor, you grassed on your own kind?" I yelled at her before feeling a fist connect with my cheek. My head whipped to the side from the force, while my class members gasped. I'm so done with this treatment, right then, I wasn't in charge of my actions. My fists curled up and my stance became a lot more defensive. My head snapped up to the alpha to be, and I looked him in the eye. "You don't know the meaning of the word disrespect." I suddenly hurled my fist towards his head, which he easily dodged, but my foot came up and kicked him instead. He stumbled backwards from the force with wide eyes. "You... you Actually hit me!" He didn't even sound annoyed, more shocked. Everyone in the hallway was watching, waiting for the alpha to do something but instead he simply stood up straight, regaining his composure. "I think everyone should get back to class." He began to walk away, following his sister when I called him back. "What about Nick?!" "Simple, He's my sisters mate. He now belongs to her." Argh, he's not an object. "He's not her property." A chuckle left his mouth, before turning his back to me again. "All humans are property." A short while later everyone made it to science class, our teacher Mrs Mathews is mated to the lycans pack doctor, she also now has a four and two year old with him. She was one of the first humans to be cohered into a false relationship. "What were you thinking young lady?" I rolled my head at her before looking at the empty seat next to mine. Nick was with that stvpid wolf girl right now. Being changed, I'm so angry it's ridiculous. "I was thinking, this guy is being a prick. Did you hear him? 'All humans are property.' It's bull shet." I looked up and the whole class looked at me like I had three heads. Talking shet about wolves is one thing, but talking about an alpha is punishable by death, attacking an alpha is an even worse offense. There was then a knock at the door and in walked Erin and her band of mated bestards. "Sorry we're late Mrs." "Erin, how are things between you and bata Monroe?" She blushed, the traitor actually blushed at the mention of his name. "He spoke to me last night about trying for a baby. We need a good strong boy to take over as beta." I scoffed looking at her as she took her seat. "You guys are actually pathetic, why can't it be a girl? Those mutts are basically Neanderthals" I voiced my opinion and saw all the shocked faces around me. Calling the lycans mutts, is the same as them calling us scum. After lesson had ended the entire school was called into the hall for assembly. This is where any human who has been found to have broken the rules were punished, usually 10 lashings were goven out or something similar. "Welcome to the school assembly, congratulations to the alpha twins for finding both your mates. Now on to the business at hand, as the 5 year anniversary of the new world is coming up, we have been informed that the alpha king will be visiting our district next week, this is very exciting news. We want you all to look your absolute best, she wolves and mated females will wear exemplary dresses made by seamstress. Male wolves and mated men will wear tailored suits. Anyone who doesn't comply will be reprimanded." The Alpha King?! No one has met him yet, he took over the throne three years ago when he turned 18. He really didn't make any appearances though, great, this month is going to be a nightmare. "As for the humans, you will be given a new uniform to wear for the visit, these are to be neatly ironed and worn to the highest standard. As for the following humans, based on your attitude this past week, you will be coming to the front and facing punishment. Tony summerset?!" Tony's head shot up as he looked around, he was in the year below but he shared my views when it came to the lycans. He slowly walked up to the front of assembly, almost instantly his top was t0rn in two and he received 10 lashings. A girl named Kara was next and she too received 10 lashings. A few more people went up slowly accepting their fate then suddenly my name was called. "Dylan Riley." Inside I was terrified but I simply shrugged my shoulders, I guess I did kind of expect this. Although I'm not sure if my back can take any more damage. "You attacked an alpha, correct!" His eyes bored into mine as I bowed my head submitting to his authority. "Technically, no." Everyone in the school gym looked on in fear, as my head moved to the front row of the wolf side. Adrian sat, with a werewolf girl in the year below, her name was Jana, I guess he found his mate. Nick and Arya were no where to be seen though. Adrian gave me a shrug as if to say he didn't tell, before smirking at my comment. "He hasn't officially taken the alpha title yet, so he's just..." i looked at the principle and noticed his eyes black and his claws out, he was in what lycans call a half shift, triggered when the subject has become angered. He turned to two security wolves and gave them a nod, Almost immediately i was forced onto my knees, my arm was slammed on a table and held in place by one wolf, while my body was held in place by the other. "Ok, I don't think this is needed, I have alpha blood, a stvpid human girl can't hurt me." My head snapped to Adrian who had stood up in front of the school to stop what was happening. "Nevertheless, humans need to know their place." With that the pressure on my arm increased as our principals hand pulled my sleeve up before a long claw punctured my skin. The searing pain shoting from the fresh wound had my eyes scrunched and my fist clenched, I bit the inside of my cheek hard instantly tasting blood, however no sound left my mouth. He continued to write, using my skin as a canvas and his claws as a marker, it went on forever, my vision blurred slightly at one point as I turned my head away. After minutes of torture, he was done and the pressure on my arm eased, instantly I snatched my arm away, hissing through my teeth at the pain. I was about to scurry off stage, when I was roughly grabbed yet again, my arm being held in the air by the principal while my feet were inches off the floor, blood dripped from the wound and the pattern he had made was on show for everyone to see. Loads of people gasped, even the wolves looked slightly horrified at what had happened. "This is what happens when a human decides to speak out. I can promise, anyone who so much as says one word about our way of life, will have the same punishment." My arm was starting to seriously ache from being held in the air for so long, and the lack of blood flow to my suspended arm was causing me pins and needles, still I refused to make a sound. I held the tears back and I bit my cheek harder causing more blood to fill my mouth. "That's enough Bradley!" Adrian growled, he was still stood up and looking at the scene in front of him. His eyes hard as he stared at the principal a low warning growl erupted from his chest which had the head teacher gulping, he quickly let go of my arm causing me to crash to the floor. A small cry left my mouth as I hit the hard floor. Immediately I scrambled away, my foot just missed the high step leading to the stage and I fell, waiting for the impact of the ground, but it never came. Two strong arms wrapped around me catching my weak body causing me to look up, my eyes widened as I noticed Adrian had caught my falling form. "This isn't part of the human punishment program!" Adrian growled causing me to tense in his grip, I pushed him away from me before fixing my uniform top. The room was deadly silent, taking in the scene in front of them, while I stole a glance at my forearm. Carved into my skin by his devastating claws were two words, words that would most definitely scar my body for life. 'Human scum' "Lessons must be learned, she received lashing merely two days ago, and clearly it had no effect on her." Another growl left Adrian's chest as he stepped on to the stage, I wasn't bothered though, you would think I'd be ashamed but I simply smiled slightly. I fixed my sleeve a little so it wouldn't rub on the fresh wound before speaking. "It doesn't matter," the whole room looked at me shocked by my attitude. "I would rather be labeled human scum, than have any resemblance to your kind. I'm proud of what I am, how many of you can say that?" After my amazing little speech, I walked right down the middle between the humans and lycans and out the door. No more compliance, I'm going to get away with as much as I can without getting into too much bother. There will come a day when the lycans power will fizzle out. When it does I'll be ready, I'll be waiting for the day we take our world back. As for the best part about my plan...

No one can stop me.

"Ouch, not so hard." I seethed as the school nurse cleaned my new wound with antiseptic. "If you had of just kept your mouth shut, this wouldn't have happened." I turned to my right looking out the window at the few clouds that were floating in the blue sky. "Like I said, I'm proud to be human, and now everyone knows what I am." I clenched my fist together as the nurse began wrapping a bandage around my forearm. It had been a good few hours since the incident in the hall, and I had been forced to come to the nurces office after I had tried to clean my wound by splashing it with water from the tap, it also refused to stop bleeding. "You are impossible. Can you please just try and stay out of trouble? For one day, that's all I ask." Our school nurse is a wolf, she's one of them. However she hates the way they treat us mere humans, she thinks we should all just live in peace with equal rights. Like that would ever happen. "All I've done is stay out of trouble, but you are just going to humiliate me anyway, so what's the actual point?" "The pack were discussing a public execution, Dylan. You need to walk on egg shells from now on, not just for you but for your family as well." No ones been publicly executed in over 4 months, I'm flattered they're considering it. They only execute people who they believe are the biggest problems to society. "Well then... I'm flattered." I chuckled, before looking at the patch job. 'Huh, not too shabby.' I quickly stood up from the human nursing station and pulled the sleeve of my shirt down covering the evidence of ever being hurt. "This is serious!" I just gave her a blank look before leaving the room. On the way out I heard her call back to me. "Please just think about it." I gave a clipped nod as I walked away wondering how I'm going to tell my mom about this. Later in the evening... "Dilly why you say that?" Freddie looked up at me with a mouth full of bread. "Don't speak with your mouthful!" My mom scolded him as a bashful blush made its way to his cheeks. "Sowwy mommy." His reply was muffled as he swallowed the last chunk of food. "I said it Freddie, because it's the truth. The wolf race are a pathetic excuse for..." my mom cut me off with an extremely stern look. "Dylan! They have ears everywhere, one more word out of you and it's your room." I scowled, my hatred for the Lycan kind growing stronger as each day passes. "What more can they do to me, lash me? Beat me? Brand me? They've ran out of options." I stated slamming my hands down, then severely regretting it as sharp pain shot though my wound. "What was that?" My head shot to regard my mothers worried expression. Her eyebrows were raised and her eyes were dull and judging as she looked at me. "Nothing, it was nothing." I quickly took my plate in my hand and began to walk to the kitchen. "I'm not really hungry, and I have homework to do!" My mom caught hold of my forearm causing me to drop my plate suddenly, I watched it slowly fall before shattering on the floor. I retracted my arm quickly and turned to Freddie. "Stay there and don't move until it's cleaned up ok sport?" He just nodded with wide eyes, I turned back to my mom and noticed her curious stare on my arm. Her grip shifted to the other side as she turned it around before pulling my sleeve up. The bandage was showing and a bit of blood was seeping though after the wound had been disturbed. "What the hel happened?" My moms eyes widened as she began to fumble with the bandage. Before she could unravel any of it I snatched my arm away. "I had an accident at school. No big." I began to gather the large pieces of the broken plate up ready to put them in the bin. "What did you do Dylan?" She looked at me with pure worry and only then did I realize what the wound must look like to someone who didn't know. "For gods sake! I didn't do it to myself! I got publicly punished at the assembly alright? It's no big deal." Her face dropped instantly and she stepped towards me, causing me to step backwards. "Mom, I'm ok. So back off will you." "What did you do? I've never known them to cut someone's arm as a punishment." Her shock and accusation was evident in her voice and I sighed heavily. "I spoke against the alphas son." I may have hit him too, but I wasn't going to divulge that part to her. "It's not one big cut, mom, it's a brand, 'human scum' carved onto my arm." "They've branded you now too?!" My eyes rolled at her hurt tone as I went to get the dustpan and brush. "You're so much like your father." A sigh left her mouth as she spoke, running a hand through her hair, while I quickly swept up the little pieces of the broken plate. "You've had a new uniform delivered. It's laid out on your bed. Dylan, Please just try and stay respectful in the future, I don't want my daughter to be completely mutilated. Although you're not far off." "Gee, Thanks." I then walked over to my little brother Freddy before blowing a kiss into his neck and hearing him giggle. "So sport, how's school going?" "It's ok." He shrugged before going back to coloring a dinosaur picture in. "Well that's good, stay out of trouble, ok little man?" Heading upstairs and into my room, my thoughts wandered to the permanent graffiti scar very slowly healing on my arm. Disgusting beasts. Think they own the world because they're faster, stronger and can shift. Pah. If you ask me they are not all that.

The second I walked into my room my mouth dropped open. On my bed was some grey pants laid out neatly, which wasn't the surprising part, no, what shocked me was the grey high neck no sleeved button down shirt, every single set of uniform had sleeves except this one. They've done this on purpose those, mutts. They want the world to see my arm and know what a disgusting creature I am. They want the world to know that I, Dylan Riley, am nothing more than 'human scum'.

During the last week, I've been horrible, in class I've been loud in voicing my views, I've insulted at least everyone to some degree, I didn't care about the consequences, and I certainly didn't think about them. I haven't seen Nick at all since he was claimed, and to make matters worse today was the royal visit. Oh yes, werewolves and mated humans alike were spending every waking minute preparing themselves to meet his royal majesty, king of the wolves. Unclaimed Humans however would rather stick pins in their eyes. "Dylan, get down now... you're going to be late." She was right, I was dawdling this morning, I really couldn't be bothered today, I gave myself one last look in the small mirror and sighed when my eyes met my newly uncovered brand. It had bad bruising around the letters, and was still extremely tender to touch, it was definitely healing now though. I made my way down the stairs and came face to face with my mother who was seeing to Freddie, she was helping my brother get his coat on when she turned to me. "You ready sport?" Freddie nodded his little head at me and smiled while I quickly slid my shoes on. "Just Remember, the alpha is bad enough, Dylan, please, please don't do anything to anger the king." My mother stopped us from walking out the door to tell me something she had been telling me continuously for the last couple of days, it was almost as if the entire human population of our district was expecting me to do something stvpid. "Try and have a good day." I rolled my eyes but nodded, even I know not to push the king, he could kil me in the hallway like it was nothing. In fact I plan on staying out of his way for the entirety of the day. "We will see you tonight mom." I stated before me and my brother began our walk to school, his little hand clutched my own tightly as we went. Usually Nick would be with us, as he lives next door, well he used to, now he's residing in the main pack house. I quickly dropped Freddie off at his school and watched him get the wolfsbane neutralizer before walking into him building giving me a small wave before he went in. With my new scar on complete show, and my figure being complimented by the skin tight shirt I was wearing, I sauntered down the street to school, I gave my name and year in and took the wolf's bane neutralizer injection with no problems at all. It was finally getting into school that the problem occurred. Walking through the halls I was met by many looks, some of pity some of disgust. You see every single non mated human in the school was wearing a long sleeved version of the uniform I was given. All the Wolves and mated couples were scattered around in fancy floor length dresses or tailored suits. As I turned the corner I noticed a couple, now this couple happened to catch my eye the most out of all of them because it consisted of Arya and Nick, eating each other's faces off. "What the hel!" Nicks head shot to me as his eyes widened. He too was dressed in a tailored suit, a navy blue tie hung on his neck to match Aryas dress. Why was this happening all the time? It's always my friends that get completely brain washed. I shook my head in disbelief before turning my back on him. I heard his fast footsteps behind me as I rounded the corner. "Dylan?!" He ran right in front of me, stopping me in my tracks, making me drop my bag off my shoulder and almost causing me to bump into him. "Let me just explain..." "Has she marked you?" I mean you could almost see it in his eyes, she had marked him, and knowing the way life goes he's probably even mated with her. "Actually... Don't even answer that." I aggressively picked my bag up off of the floor and stormed off down the hall. "Dylan, just listen to me, Erin was right, it's so hard to resist your soulmate, and Arya is actually ok once you get to know her." I just kept walking, he caught up to me walking beside me but it didn't matter, I completely ignored everything and everyone. 'I'm so not in the mood today' getting into class was good though, I said hello to Mr Foley and took my usual seat. Nick sighed then took his bag off ready to sit next to me, but I snapped before he had the chance. "Traitors and mated idiots sit on that side of the room." I didn't look him in the eye as I pointed to a seat right at the front of the classroom on the opposite side. His eyes widened as he turned his attention back to me. "You can't be serious Dylan." I gave him a blank look before grabbing my book out of my backpack, I placed it on the desk then began to write the date on the top line. "I've sat in this seat for as long as I can remember." I ignored him, his voice sounded sad and shocked. "Dylan? Wait! What is that?!" Before I could react Nick had grabbed hold of my branded arm and turned it to see the letters. "Oh my God! What happened?" I snatched my arm away from him and shrugged as I continued to write in my book before grabbing my water bottle out of my bag. "The principal happened, it was my punishment for speaking out against Adrian and Arya. I wear it with pride." He just held a complete look of disbelief. "You spoke out against them?" I shrugged, what did he think I'd do. "It's no secret that I despise this stvpid new world and the mutts that control it. You were my friend, I wasn't going to let them just take you without saying something, although that is exactly what you seem to have done. Enjoy the view from your new seat!" "Don't be like that, Dylan, I'm your best friend, I'm sorry about your arm, but..." my eyes rolled inside my head at my friends words. "Anything with the word 'but' in, isn't an apology, it's a rationalization." I took a drink of water from my bottle and kept my eyes facing forward, ignoring his every attempt to try and talk to me. "Dylan?.. Dylan?... Do you know what? Erin is right, if you push us all away you won't have any friends left." He huffed before walking over to the empty seat and sitting down, I could feel him glancing up at me every now and again but I didn't respond. "Good morning class, please settle down." He looked at me then at Nick and frowned, we've never sat apart, we were friends before the new world even began. I just shook my head telling him to forget it. "So... as you know the king will be arriving in a short while, but until then lessons will go on as normal." Its funny seeing teachers in the same uniform your wearing, mr Foley and his wife are the coolest. Human teachers and doctors only have slightly more respect than we do. Because of Mr Foley's status him and his wife have better access to food and drink, Mrs Foley is cool, sometimes she even makes sure mr Foley brings some in for me. Ya know, coz I'm their favorite student. It's not in a weird way, it's just they were friends of the family before the new wold took effect. Mr Foley and my dad were buddies from high school, so it goes without sayin really. "All the mated humans will be at the front of each years line again, after that you will all be placed in status, Nick, as your mated to Alpha Arya, you'll be at the front of your line. Dylan as you have been branded..." his voice trailed off as he looked at me. "Yeah yeah, I'll be at the back of the line behind everyone. I get it." I huffed, moving my sight towards the window once more. "I am sorry." I turned to face Mr Foley again, he looked genuinely upset and that look of pity wasn't something I wanted to see. I gave him a clipped nod then turned away again. "Anyway, on to the subject matter, 'Of Mice and Men, page 64, Nick why don't you start us off with the reading."

"Of course sir." Nick began reading the book but I switched off, today is going to be a long day. After almost an hour and a half of reading comprehension, the bell chimed signaling lunch. I shot up and out of the classroom before anyone could say anything. Today, I was avoiding drama like the plague.

I wandered the corridors straight to the lunch hall. All the people I would normally hang out with we're all mated so I grabbed my lunch quickly, and sat down at the end of the human table. Let me lay the lunch hall out for you. On one side of the room you have two long rows of tables, with simple benches that make it look like prison, on the other side of the room you have multiple round tables with fancy chairs. Yup you get it. The humans sit at the prison tables and the wolves and traitors sit on the fancy tables, they get fancy food, fancy drink and most importantly they get pudding. what I would give to have some pudding. "Dylan can we just talk?" Nick quickly took the spot next to me as he set his lunch tray down. I looked at his food which had been placed on a ceramic, circular white plate. God that looked good. I sighed knowing he was going to talk anyway. "Fine, you have two minutes." I used my fork to take a bit of pasta off his plate and shoved it into my mouth. God that was good. "After I left school, I was taken to the pack house with Arya, and I really got to know her. It took a few days for me to finally accept being with her, but ever since life has been ok, and the sax... well that's a whole other story." Eww, I didn't need that mental image in my head. "I'm glad your happy." I stated before deciding I had no appetite. His face held shock before he sighed in relief. "That means a lot Dylan, I mean you know that your opinion matters to me." I cut him off before he could say anything else. "I said I was glad your happy. I didn't say I approved of what you've done. You've basically turned into one of THEM, I can't ever forgive you for that." He looked hurt, but I couldn't care less about his feelings. He placed his hand gently on my arm and went to open his mouth when a growl sounded out. All heads whipped to where it came from, Arya was stood holding a glass of soda and a plate, she was looking right at me and Nick and I would totally be dead if looks could kil. Nick quickly retracted his hand, his whole face fell and you could see sorrow flood his irises. "You sit with me now, get away from that, that... scum!" Wow, Nick was such a lucky guy. NOT. "You heard her. Get away from me, go sit with your new friends. I'm happy for you, and I understand where your coming from, but don't come up to me again and pretend you didn't betray your own kind. Don't pretend you didn't betray me." I shoved a little bit of food into my mouth before standing up and walking out of the cafeteria, leaving my tray on the table. I was walking through the hallway to the classroom, you see I decided to spend lunch with Mr Foley in his room, when I happened to hear voices in the corridor. "Is it wise for her to actually be present when the king arrives? Surely she could be placed in the dungeons, it might actually teach her some respect?" My principal was speaking to the alpha of our district, huh, if I stayed and listened do you think they'd notice, maybe they could smell me?! "Everyone is to be present, if the Riley girl does one thing out of line she will be dealt with severely, child or not. That girl has been a blight to the district since day one, she's dangerous, if she puts one hair out of place I will personally break her into submission." Oh shet, they were talking about me specifically, and they mentioned the dungeon, that's not been used in months. Normally I would have listened in more but something about the entire situation didn't sit right with me, all of a sudden, I was on edge, and simply wasn't interested in the slightest in hearing how my misery was to be enhanced. I backed up slightly before turning around and bumping head first into one of the hottest man I had ever seen. I lost my balance immediately and fell straight on to the floor letting out a small grumble in the process. His eyebrows knitted together quickly and his breath hitched in his throat as he looked upon my fallen state and gasped. "Mate!" He whispered, his eyes fixated on mine. Now, I had seen and heard that many times to know what that means, I gasped before taking a step back. 'No, no, no, no, no. This can not be happening.' He growled slightly before stepping towards me. Oh Shet!

Given the recent discussion of Shut Up And Ruck’s strength programming, I thought it might be appropriate to address a few lingering comments.
First, we’re not immune to criticism. It is perfectly reasonable to criticize whenever and whoever you want, even me. Clearly, the anonymity of the internet provides ample license to do so. I’m not infallible and I make at least one mistake every fiscal year. I get downvoted all the time and I recognize that many things that I say are taken as gospel based on my years of providing accurate information. I don’t take this leniency lightly. I’ve earned this gift and I don’t look gift horses in the mouth. I certainly don’t shy away from criticizing others, but I always seek to do so from a position of best intentions of the outcome. But if you think that it’s appropriate to draw conclusions like “He definitely doesn’t know what he’s talking about”, “It violates basic principles”, or my favorite “It looks like he stole this from X, Y, or Z” and you’re basing that on one tiny screenshot of one sample day of one singular domain absent of context of the entirety of the programming then you must be special. I wish I had that sort of clairvoyance.
Second, our programming is not a mistake. Is it aggressive? Absolutely. Is it wrong? Absolutely not. It is deliberate and intentional. A few points to consider:
-The higher percentages and rep ranges occur at the end of each cycle. You don’t start off at the high end, you finish there. The passage cited is 9 weeks post 1RM testing. At a minimum the higher % come 5 weeks after testing. You get stronger and the programming reflects that.
-Just because you’ve never done anything like this doesn’t mean much. We follow the evidence, and the literature clearly indicates that our recommendations are appropriate. Aggressive, but appropriate. Here are 6 sources, including some meta-analyses that bring the body of knowledge to several hundred; there are many more.
Source 1
Source 2
Source 3
Source 4
Source 5
Source 6
Your experience not withstanding, our programming is entirely valid. This is especially true given the other variables. 1) we prioritize intensity and we manifest that through heavy weights 2) you only lift each exercise 2 times in every 5 day cycle - plenty of time for macro recovery 3) you are resting up to 4 minutes between sets - plenty of time for micro recovery 4) you are only doing 3 lifts in a day and only one for that domain - you aren’t doing 3 sets of barbell bench, then 3 sets of incline, then 3 sets of decline, then some cable cross-overs, then some dumbbell flys, then finishing with some drop sets on the Smith machine. 1 exercise, at maximal intensity. No need to pace yourself. 5) we are seeking to balance strength and endurance. It’s impossible to fully address both simultaneously. There will inevitably be friction. 6) we are seeking to challenge you, not accommodate you. 7) we emphasize self-reflection, data analysis, and agency. If you are struggling to meet the listed criteria then we encourage you to program accordingly. It’s foundational to our approach.
But allow me to let you in on a little secret. Even though we cite no small amount of literature, you can find lots of literature that argues against our programming. In fact, there is so much ‘literature’ out there that you can find supporting information for damn near everything and anything. So, back to my first point, you are welcome to criticize. But you should at least provide some counter-evidence beyond “in my experience”. In the Taxonomy of Information, anecdotal testimony is the least rigorous. We have presented our arguments, you are invited to present yours. Or be a little more graceful in your criticism.
We are well aware of Prilepin’s optimal reps (for powerlifting), and the NASM 5 Phase Optimum Performance Training Model (which we follow) and the NSCA Performance Pyramid (which we follow). We don’t disagree that they are to be well considered. We did a full and complete survey of the information environment. But we stated in our introduction and made available for free our philosophy…we have no interest in preserving the credentialed protectorate of the fitness industry. SFAS is different, so shall the programming be.
Third, we didn’t “steal” another program and stack it on top of our own stuff. That’s not how this works. If you survey all of the programs and methodology out there, you will find a ton of overlap. If you follow established principles and seek consensus, then you end up looking a lot like the other stuff. Did we look at other programs? Yes, dozens of them. Did we steal them? No. The fact that we favor a more intense program that most programs don’t should make this argument moot. This is a serious accusation and should be reserved for the most egregious circumstances. You might not have experience with this type of programming, you might not be familiar with recent literature, and you are only seeing a very minuscule event absent of any of the other programming and ancillary elements.
Fourth, and finally, I want to address the unhinged discussion of cost. We’re particularly sensitive to this topic because we know that our target population skews younger and likely less affluent, so cost matters. And I don’t like calling guys out necessarily, but u/Certain-Exam-2577 and u/Potential_Presence67 ? You two can go fuck yourselves. You anonymous peices of shit decided from your castles on top of Mount Holy that we are looking for a “money grab”? I could have charged hundreds, I could put all of my content behind a paywall, and I could simply pump and dump and walk away to stack cash. But that’s not the case.
What do you two fucking genius economists think would be appropriate for 8 months of daily programming for strength, conditioning, rucking, mental prep, mobility, skills, recovery and much more? We charge 60 dollars. Let’s take a very small survey the prep environment and see where we stack up:
Evoke - 3 months, requires additional programming prerequisites, $65
Performance First - 3 months, $90
18A Fitness - 4 months, $179
Gritty Soldier - 3 months, $30
Mountain Tactical - 12 months, $329
Blue/Green Training - 11 weeks, $129
We’re looking pretty competitive given these numbers. And these are the better programs. We mostly like them (and others) and we have tremendous respect for their creators and coaches. We don’t think they are as good as ours, especially our ruck programming, but they’re in the ballpark. Many guys in this sub have used them and speak highly of them. There are also near endless shit programs out there. AI generated, generic, point-of-sale trash with slick marketing and zero support.
We are a complete program that covers every single domain, and we have well established our expertise for SFAS. But we don’t rely on reputation, we deliver. We research, analyze, synthesize, and present the most comprehensive program out there. For just 60 bucks. Hell, you’ll spend over half that on a blank journal…we’ve recommended this excellent journal many times. But that’s just a cool journal. Zero programming. So we think we’re not “grabbing” too much.
Our resident pricks go on to say that RUSU wasn’t worth $50. Good thing we only charge $40. And perhaps you’d prefer the 15+ year old, lack-luster competition? They’re in the same price range. They even take a cheap shot at our Muster events as just a ‘wAlK iN tHe wOoDs tHaT yOu cOuLd do for FrEe’ or ‘info you could probably find online’. Our “competition” is $750 and one of the programs isn’t even taught by a military guy, much less a Green Beret. You two retarded laureates haven’t even attended an event, so your opinion is irrelevant.
And I should put a pin in all of this money grab, predatory, grifter talk by reminding them that this is all voluntary. You don’t have to spend a single dime if you don’t want to. Lots of guys don’t do anything extra and they get Selected all the time. But if a guy wants to be compensated for his hard work and another guy wants to allocate the cost of a night out drinking, then maybe your keen criticism could be stymied a bit. I offer plenty of free advice and commentary every day. I note that neither of you provide anything of value.
So, that’s my assessment of the situation. You don’t have to be a part of the conversation, but I thought that I should let you know how I see it. I endlessly tell you about the importance of foot care, so it’s only fair that I weigh in on this important topic. I should note that there was also some very reasoned comments and lots of guys understanding the intent of the programming AND of the program. And the OP reached out via DM and we had a very reasonable and productive discussion. He gets it. And the number of guys commenting is <1% of the number of guys reading the actual full program. I like that guys are passionate about this stuff. If you get 10 Green Berets in a room you’ll get 11 different opinions on damn near every topic. You know what they say about opinions…

‼️Note: Names are fake
I (20F) have been friends with Jill (20F) for a while now. We’ve had many ups and downs throughout the years we’ve known one another, but currently we are doing okay. She has always had a habit of taking a mile when you give her an inch. But as of late, I’ve been trying to solidify more boundaries between us.
A few weeks ago, Jill left her home because of some family issues. I’m not comfortable elaborating as it isn’t my business to tell. She had texted me when the issue occurred asking if she could stay at my place for a while. I responded saying yes and didn’t ask any questions. I ended up calling her where she filled me in and said she wasn’t going to stay with me. She told me she had decided she was going to stay at her bf’s place (19M).
Two-ish weeks ago she texts me out of the blue and asks for a favor. She said she was going to get some of her things and wanted to know if she could store a decent amount of it at my home. This clearly signaled to me that she is moving out of her home and will be living with her bf. I said no because my house is pretty crammed with all of my things from moving out of my dorm. When I asked why she couldn’t take her stuff to her bf’s place, I really didn’t get a straight answer. Just that she didn’t want to inconvenience him. I thought to myself “why is it okay to inconvenience me though by making me your personal storage unit?” When I asked how long it would be here, she said until she got her own place. Judging by the fact that she has no job and seems content staying with her bf, I figured that could mean I would have her things indefinitely and I wasn’t down with that.
Around the same time, Jill texted asking if she could stay the night when she went to her home to get her things. I didn’t respond right away because she then tacked on after a few minutes that her bf would need to stay too. Once again, I was not down with this. I live in a two bedroom home with my mother and her bf. It wouldn’t have been impossible to house them both for a night, but I’m not friends with her bf. No ill feelings towards him, but I wasn’t comfortable letting some guy I barely know stay at my house and my mother wasn’t either.
Fast forward to yesterday. She texts me again (keep in mind she has not been texting me at all except to ask for these favors). She asks this time if she can send her mail here. She elaborated saying that she thought if she got her stuff sent to her bf’s house, it would somehow tip off our school and she would be put on out-of-state tuition (???). One thing I haven’t mentioned is Jill has an older brother who literally lives 2 minutes down the road from me. She says she doesn’t want to send it there because she “doesn’t like him right now” (as far as I’m aware, her argument with her brother has nothing to do with the family issue that caused her to move out). I don’t plan on asking why she’s mad at her brother because it’s none of my business. Just like with her belongings, Jill doesn’t seem to plan to come pick up her mail regularly and expects me to hold onto it. From what she’s said, I don’t believe that she has anything super important being sent, she just wants to change her address to my home whilst living with her bf so all her mail will come here. Just personally, I am not comfortable with that at all. I do not want to be responsible for someone’s mail. I think it could lead to issues and I don’t want to accidentally misplace something that didn’t belong to me in the first place.
As of right now, I haven’t responded, but I am planning on saying no. However, I kind of feel like I’m being a jerk? I’ve talked to my mom and my bsf and they both say that I’m justified and it isn’t my problem. But I’m still feeling a little hesitant as I don’t want her to think that I’m not concerned for her or her well-being because I very much am. I just don’t want to become her personal storage unit.
AITAH??

Well, yesterday I (15f) was at a birthday for my friend (16f) who turned 16. She wanted to celebrate from the evening before her birthday, up to the morning of her birthday, so we all came to her house at around 6 to 8pm. I arrived at her place at 7pm, just like some of our mutual friends. For the first hour, we just sat around talking, and joking around like always, just chilling and not really doing much. My friends family was also there, because she wanted to celebrate with her friends and family at the same time, which was alright, but a bit weird, because one of her uncles kept coming to me and one of my friends, getting very close, and he was obviously already pretty drunk. We just went somewhere else, so that was okay.
Now for context, I am 15 years old and I live in Germany, so its not illegal and not uncommon for people my age to drink alcohol. I am not much of a party person, I do attend parties, but I never drank alcohol and I am not getting drunk. My friends on the other hand are completely different, drinking so much, they dont even know where they are or whats going on.
Yesterday was no different. By 11pm, everyone, including my friends family was drunk. Most people seemed fine, the music was loud and everyone seemed happy and I was having fun with my friends too. The whole evening my friends have been offering me alcohol, and I dont mean like beer of stuff, they were trying to make me drink things like vodka shots. I always declined and people seemed fine with that at first, but the more drunk they got, the extremer they were trying to make me drink. Even the family of the friend began to try and force me to drink. I always politely said no, but they kept getting more and more forcefully. I eventually walked away from them and hung out with some of my friends and it was fine. They were really drunk, but still seemed to have normal cognitive functions and didn’t fall over everytime they get up.
One of my friends that was sitting next to me already had like 3 cups of a drink one of our friends mixed with contained a LOT of alcohol. She didn’t seem to well, so I asked her if she was okay and she told me, that she didn’t feel to well and probably had to throw up. I was already used to stuff like that, because usually I am the one caring for my friends at parties if they cant get home by themselves or feel sick. If grabbed her arm and pulled her up, pulling her with me into the house, going to the bathroom and pulling her inside, and sat her down next to the toilet, while grabbing a cup of water from the sink, so she could drink some. She immediately began throwing up into the toilet and I just stayed there, not really knowing what else to do but sit there and wait for it to he over and then clean her up a little and call her parents to come pick her up. When she was finished, I cleaned her face a little and gave her something to drink.
It was 2am by now, everyone was wasted by now, people were laying around the lawn and I didn’t really know what to do. I was the youngest one there and I‘m not very tall or strong, so I couldn’t really help anyone up. My friends were wasted and came over to me, kind of making fun of me for not drinking. I dont even know why they would say that? I know they probably only acted like that, because they were really drunk, but them constantly making fun of me in their drunken state was really annoying, especially because I was gonna have to be the one getting them into bed and the walking home by myself, which is dangerous as it is, because it was late at night and as I said, I am a shorter girl. They kept laughing at me, and I eventually had enough and just left.
I didn’t really tell anyone I left, because they were too drunk and wouldn’t notice anyways. I walked home and went to bed. The next morning I woke up to texts from my friends, asking where I was, telling me they didn’t feel well and asking me if I could come help them. I feel kinda bad, because I knew that they were probably really intoxicated. I also got a text from the friends whose birthday party it was and she told me, that I was an A-hole for just disappeared, because everyone was drunk and she thought I was gonna help a bit, because she knew I didn’t drink. I understand why she thought that, but I dont think its my responsibility to take care of anyone, because I was invited just like everyone else and its not my responsibility to take care of our older friends and her drunk family members. I feel a bit bad though, because they are still my friends and probably all felt really bad and no one could help them, because everyone else was just as drunk. Should I apologize now and AITAH?

Ok so first things first, I am well acquainted with abuse and abusers, grew up in a very abusive family, except for s*xual abuse I went through everything else with them, of course this led me to see abuse as normal behavior, most kids bullied me, some close friends took advantage of my spineless behavior, and later on, I had abusive romantic partners.
Not all of them were, of course, but the ones that were I can think back and see the red flags I missed, eventually I went to therapy and kind of learned how to see them better, all that stuff.
Then comes my last ex. He was, well, great. He was attentive, kind, generous, his family welcomed me as a new addition from the first day, it all seemed too good to be true. The thing is, with other abusers, this façade would soon collapse, they weren't able to sustain it for long, but my ex seemed to really be like this, the only shady thing I can think of his past self it that he's always been very secretive about his emotions and repressed them way too much.
After about a year and a half of dating, several things happened, quarantine was one of them, my mental health decline was the other. I tried meds for the first time, it backfired and left me su*cidal for months, I had agoraphobia and went back to being terrified of people. That's when the silent treatment and refusing to get intimate with me and all the arguing began. His point was that he was okay with supporting me with my mental health stuff, as long as it got better and not worse, I tried to explain to him that sometimes things do get worse and there's nothing I can possibly do about it, he would get angrier and say that either I got "cured" or he would leave.
You can imagine how fragile I was back then, terrified of my friends,of going outside, I went back to my mom's house because of covid and had to deal with her abuse again, he felt like the only person I could trust. Even if I knew everything he was saying about mental illnesses was plain wrong, I chose to stick with him because he genuinely sounded like he wanted the best for me.
But everything only got worse, of course, his own life got harder, he was a sheltered kid that never worked or lived on his own, I on the other hand have been working ever since I was 17, we moved in together and you guessed it, it got even worse.
He was doing an unpaid internship where he would mostly observe others work instead of doing something himself, I worked part time because I wanted a little break from working 7am to 4pm for so long, so he was basically living off me and his parents, I also did most of the housework because he'd be there for so long, he didn't even have to, but he was there all day. Not only he never thanked me but he would belittle me for working part time and criticized my cooking, he was a picky eater and was used to his mom adapting to him so I had no idea this was a thing, he hated all veggies and everything that wasn't basically soup or meat and rice/potatoes. We both got folic acid deficiency from this btw, so I'm not exaggerating.
At some point my brain just gave up, I was so incredibly exhausted all the time, physically and mentally. Thank goodness I had the decision to go on a solo vacation with friends after being isolated for years and that's when I realized how badly I was being treated, by being around people who didn't treat me badly. This was last summer, as soon as I got home, the first thing I did was trying to talk to him, and knowing he wouldn't be reasonable, I knew I would have to leave him.
At this point we hadn't gotten intimate in over a year, he refused sleeping with me and would only talk to me to berate me. We argued very often, he was angry all the time, I was on edge all the time, I constantly had panic and anxiety attacks, he would treat me specially bad during these, and when I begged him for a hug sometimes he even hit me.
This was almost a year ago and I'm still broken. My memory is broken, my cognitive functions are half there, I am numb most days, can't feel a thing, not good nor bad, just can't feel, no matter what I do. I am incredibly depressed and don't have the will to do anything. I found someone great who is supportive and amazing in more ways than I can count, found great friends and rekindled friendships I left unattended because of my ex, and still I can't be there for them, not really, because I am not really here most of the time, went to therapy but can't yet afford trying EMDR (will be able soon, after I move from here) and I can't learn anything more from my therapist, it's also expensive. I quit my job and am living off my savings and unemployment, went back to one of my hobbies he used to belittle and criticize so much, I've been hired for collaborations right away and I am in several projects and I can't give my all and feel like I am disappointing people and most importantly myself all the time.
I miss the old me so bad, the one that's trapped beneath this impenetrable armor, and even though things have gotten kind of better, I hate being this fragile, quiet, soft person, when I used to be the polar opposite, I have nothing against quiet and soft people, I love them, it just feels wrong for me.
It took me a lot of work but before dating this idiot for almost 5 years, I got to be this extroverted, fun and warm person that had a million friends and was incredibly energetic, I used to be super physically active, went to a lot of social events, I had so many hobbies and was starting to carve wood. He took it all, and I have no idea how.
As I said at the start of this post, abuse is my whole life. No matter how much my family told me I sucked, they never took the fun out of things for me, if anything, it gave me that spark, that "I'll do what I want!" inner Cartman. No matter how much I was bullied or belittled by others, it never broke me, I was pretty much used to it. But this guy did.
Whenever I talk about toxic relationships with friends or people I meet, it's always kind of the same, "oh we were not compatible at all and refused to accept it haha" or "they were abusive from the start I just didn't know how abuse worked!" but I haven't found someone that went through the same thing as me, someone who's ex was perfect and then became abusive and disgusting, I left a lot out of it for the sake of brevity but his political views and overall morality changed a lot during all this.
I don't know how coherent this is, kinda need to vent , thanks to whoever read it at all, good luck with your own struggles ♥