Johann Gottlieb Fichte

19 May 1762 – 29 January 1814
J. G. Fichte and a priori Providentialism
Part of a Series on the Philosophy of History
Sunday 19 May 2024 is the 262nd anniversary of the birth of Johann Gottlieb Fichte (19 May 1762 – 29 January 1814), who was born in Rammenau, Saxony, then part of the Holy Roman Empire, on this day in 1762.
Fichte is often remembered in histories of philosophy as an immediate successor to Kant in the German idealist tradition. While still a young man Fichte wrote and anonymously published Attempt at a Critique of All Revelation. This was in 1792 when Fichte was 30 years old. Many believed that Kant had written this work, given Kant’s earlier critiques of pure reason, practical reason, and judgment, so when Kant denied authorship and identified Fichte as the actual author, Fichte experienced the philosophical equivalent of being an overnight sensation.
But Fichte’s life was an unsheltered as Kant’s life was sheltered. He was a born trouble-maker and was willing to touch the third rail of Enlightenment politics by writing and speaking openly about matters of religion, as revealed by his work on revelation. Fichte is sometimes called inflexible and rigid, though we could also say (a little more charitably) that he was principled and not inclined to compromise. Partly as a result of this temperament, Fichte became embroiled in a controversy in German intellectual life remembered as the Atheismusstriet, or Atheism Controversy.
During this controversy Friedrich Jacobi published an open letter against Fichte in which Jacobi coined the term “nihilism” to describe what he took to be Fichte’s position:

“Truly, my dear Fichte, I would not be vexed if you, or anyone else, were to call Chimerism the view I oppose to the Idealism that I chide for Nihilism. I have paraded my not-knowing in all my writings; in my non-knowledge I have prided myself so to be with knowledge, so perfectly and completely, that I am certainly allowed to be contemptuous of the mere doubter.—I have wrestled for truth with zeal and fervour since childhood as few others; as few others have I experienced my powerlessness—and my heart has grown tender for that—yea, very tender, my dear Fichte—and my voice so gentle! Just as I have deep compassion for myself, as human being, so I have it for others. I am patient without effort; but that I am truly patient without effort costs me a lot. The earth will be light above me—it won’t be long.”

Nihilism was to go on to have quite a career as an idea after Jacobi’s letter. While for Jacobi, the nihilism he attributed to Fichte was the inevitable outcome of reason, nihilism did not remain centered on Jacobi’s critique of Kantian philosophy, but came to signify belief in nothing at all.
Fichte’s controversial stance created a problem for the authorities at the University of Jena, where Fichte was employed at the time. Fichte wouldn’t budge, and this was one of the episodes responsible for his reputation for inflexibility, so the University of Jena dismissed him in 1799. At this point, with little to his name and few prospects, Fichte walked from Jena to Berlin—Google Maps says it takes 55 hours to complete this walk—and eventually he became part of the philosophical scene in Berlin.
Fichte attempted, semi-successfully, to support himself with popular books and lectures. For a philosopher coming from a background of Kantian philosophy—the most technical philosophy of its day—this was a bold project, but he gamely attempted to bring his interpretation of Kantianism to the masses. One of the outcomes of this effort was Fichte’s short book The Vocation of Man (1800). Fichte’s academic work was riddled with jargon, but The Vocation of Man is written in plain language and was intended for a popular audience. However, it’s still a demanding philosophical argument. In it, Fichte articulated a conception of human destiny that is universalistic, rationalistic, teleological, and even infinitistic:

“Let us not ask of history if man, on the whole, have yet become purely moral. To a more extended, comprehensive, energetic freedom he has certainly attained; but hitherto it has been an almost necessary result of his position, that this freedom has been applied chiefly to evil purposes. Neither let us ask whether the aesthetic and intellectual culture of the ancient world, concentrated on a few points, may not have excelled in degree that of modern times! It might happen that we should receive a humiliating answer, and that in this respect the human race has not advanced, but rather seemed to retrograde, in its riper years. But let us ask of history at what period the existing culture has been most widely diffused, and distributed among the greatest number of individuals; and we shall doubtless find that from the beginning of history down to our own day, the few light-points of Civilization have spread themselves abroad from their centre, that one individual after another, and one nation after another, has been embraced within their circle, and that this wider outspread of culture is proceeding under our own eyes. And this is the first point to be attained in the endless path on which humanity must advance.”

Notice that Fichte implies a distinction between two kinds of progress: there is progress toward the highest degree of excellence, and here humanity may have backslid, but there is also progress toward broadly distributed high culture, and here Fichte thinks that his time definitely surpassed previous history. Fichte also says that progress, by which he means moral progress, is an endless path, and we have already seen that it is possible for humanity to experience retrograde moral progress, so the pathway to man becoming purely moral, as Fichte sees it, is endless, it can incorporate reversals, and it can be striving to new heights or to wider diffusion.
This and many other passages point to the infinite perfectibility of man, which shows us the extent to which Fichte had imbibed the ideals of the French Revolution—or, we might say, he had imbibed the ideals of the French philosophers who were instrumental in laying the foundations of the French revolution, and were later arguably co-opted by the revolution, as in the case of Condorcet, who wrote this paean to the infinite perfectibility of man while on the run from the revolutionary gendarme. But the infinite perfectibility of man as Fichte imagines it is a teleology with a real history: things can go wrong, we can get sidetracked, we might pursue one form of moral excellence or another, and so on.
And Fichte also transmuted the French concept of the infinite perfectibility of man in the image of German idealism, producing a kind of philosophical spiritualism. Part of this transmutation of ideals came about because of the direction that Fichte saw the French revolution take as it developed. Many philosophers at the time initially supported the ideals of the French Revolution, but came to see it in a different light after the Terror and the Napoleonic Wars. Fichte as well.
Seeking to rally his countrymen after defeats inflicted by Napoleon, Fichte gave a series of public lectures later published as Addresses to the German Nation. This was more than a half century before the unification of Germany as a nation-state. In the twentieth century this work was savaged by George Santayana in his book Egotism in German Philosophy, which I mentioned in my episode on Wars and Rumors of Wars. Santayana called Fichte “an uncompromising puritan” and in Santayana’s fever dream of German expansionism he imagined Fichte as the source of it all:

“…Fichte gives us prophetic glimpses of an idealistic Germany conquering the world. The state does not aim at self-preservation, still less is it concerned to come to the aid of those members of the human family that lag behind the movement of the day. The dominion of unorganised physical force must be abolished by a force obedient to reason and spirit. True life consists in refashioning human relations after a model innate in the mind. The glorious destiny of Germany is to bring forth and establish the world anew. Natural freedom is a disgraceful thing, a mere medley of sensual and intellectual impulses without any principle of order. It is for the Germans to decide whether a providential progress exists by becoming themselves the providence that shall bring progress about, or whether on the contrary every higher thought is folly. If they should fail, history would never blame them, for in that case there would be no more history.”

Many others also have seen Fichte’s work through the lens of the wars of their time, which were the world wars of the twentieth century, rather than through the lens of the wars of Fichte’s time, which were the Napoleonic Wars.
Fichte knew that he was putting his life on the line by publicly speaking out against the French, as he at one time referenced the fate of Johann Philipp Palm. Palm, a book seller, was connected to a pamphlet, Germany in Its Deep Humiliation (Deutschland in seiner tiefsten Erniedrigung), that angered Napoleon. Napoleon ordered his subordinates to try and execute Palm within twenty-four hours. Palm was tried on 26 August 1806 by a French military tribunal, found guilty, and shot within hours of the verdict. Four other book sellers also were tried were not executed. Fichte knew that the same thing could happen to him in publicly speaking out on behalf of the German people. We can see from incidents such as this that Fichte was in the thick of the history of his own time, sometimes riding the wave and sometimes making waves.
Roberta Picardi notes both the derivation and dependence of Fichte’s views from Kant, as well as Fichte’s divergence from Kant:

“Fichte explores the epistemic status and method of history with an aim which is clearly taken from Kant: the purpose of introducing a systematic and scientific method in the infinite field of the empiricism, of which history is a part, together with experimental physics. As we can read in The Characteristics of the Present Age he wants to obtain ‘a sure progress according to rule instead of an uncertain groping in the dark’ from history, i. e., instead of the ‘Herumptappen’ (this is the German word for ‘groping’) that in the second Preface to the Critique of Pure Reason Kant contrasts with the ‘secure path of a science’.”

But the secure path of science isn’t always all that secure, given that there are multiple scientific pathways, and not all pathways lead to the same end. This is the distinction within Fichte’s philosophy of history noted by Angelica Nuzzo:

“Fichte builds his idea of a philosophy of history upon a paradoxical argument. He pushes to the extreme the claim of the bare factual nature of history as a realm of irrational, not-conceptual, and thoroughly contingent reality. Yet he also maintains that philosophical knowledge of history is possible—although neither as deductive, nor conceptual, nor genetic knowledge. Against the fictitious notion of historical Wahrscheinlichkeit (plausibility, probability), Fichte holds on to the notion of ‘historical truth’ and to its ‘logic.’ Despite its radically empirical character, history can be construed a priori.”

Some of the flavor of Fichte’s a priori approach to history can be gained from his primary work on the philosophy of history Characteristics of the Present Age (Der Grundzüge des gegewärtigen Zeitalters, 1806), in which he decomposes history into Five Principal Epochs, based not on historical contingencies, but rather upon human destiny and moral development:

“…we endeavoured to pre-figure the whole Earthly Life of Man by a comprehension of its purpose;— to perceive why our Race had to begin its Existence here, and by this means to describe the whole present Life of humankind:—this is what we wished to do,—it was our first task. There are, according to this view, Five Principal Epochs of Earthly Life, each of which, although taking its rise in the life of the individual, must yet, in order to become an Epoch in the Life of the Race, gradually lay hold of and interpenetrate all Men; and to that end must endure throughout long periods of time, so that the great Whole of Life is spread out into Ages, which sometimes seem to cross, sometimes to run parallel with each other:—1st, The Epoch of the unlimited dominion of Reason as Instinct: —the State of Innocence of the Human Race. 2nd, The Epoch in which Reason as Instinct is changed into an external ruling Authority;—the Age of positive Systems of life and doctrine, which never go back to their ultimate foundations, and hence have no power to convince but on the contrary merely desire to compel, and which demand blind faith and unconditional obedience:—the State of progressive Sin. 3rd, The Epoch of Liberation,—directly from the external ruling Authority—indirectly from the power of Reason as Instinct, and generally from Reason in any form;—the Age of absolute indifference towards all truth, and of entire and unrestrained licentiousness:—the State of completed Sinfulness. 4th, The Epoch of Reason as Knowledge;—the Age in which Truth is looked upon as the highest, and loved before all other things:—the State of progressive Justification. 5th, The Epoch of Reason as Art;—the Age in which Humanity with more sure and unerring hand builds itself up into a fitting image and representative of Reason:—the State of completed Justification and Sanctification. Thus, the whole progress which, upon this view, Humanity makes here below, is only a retrogression to the point on which it stood at first, and has nothing in view save that return to its original condition. But Humanity must make this journey on its own feet; by its own strength it must bring itself back to that state in which it was once before without its own coöperation, and which, for that very purpose, it must first of all leave.”

We can call Fichte’s Five Principal Epochs a “stadial” philosophy of history, since “stadial” refers to stages. In this passage we gain an appreciation of the necessity of the five stages of history as a developmental process that cannot be gotten around: there is no royal road to the end of the history.
In the Second Lecture from Fichte’s Some Lectures Concerning the Scholar’s Vocation, he makes explicit both the a priori developmental history of humanity and the utopian picture of the ultimate end of human development:

“…a very great man has said, life in the state is not one of man’s absolute aims. The state is, instead, only a means for establishing a perfect society, a means which exists only under specific circumstances. Like all those human institutions which are mere means, the state aims at abolishing itself. The goal of all government is to make government superfluous. Though the time has certainly not yet come, nor do I know how many myriads or myriads of myriads of years it may take (here we are not at all concerned with applicability in life, but only with justifying a speculative proposition), there will certainly be a point in the a priori foreordained career of the human species when all civic bonds will become superfluous.”

The editor says in a footnote that the “great man” mentioned was probably an allusion to Kant’s Idea of History from a Cosmopolitan Point of View. We saw in my episode on Kant how Kant saw the teleology of humanity as establishing the perfect civil constitution, though I also speculated that, if we take Kant’s later writings on history in the context of his early pre-critical work on natural history, this Kantian teleology for humanity is nested within a larger cosmological teleology. By my reading, then, Kant is actually the more naturalistic position, while Fichte is the more anthropocentric, and his ideal is a purely spiritual ideal, even an a priori idea. For example, Fichte isn’t in the least interested to even give an estimate of the period of time that will be required for humanity to abolish all government, but he only points out that this is the ultimate end.
Marx also predicted the withering away of the state after communism had been achieved, and Marx, too, emphasized definite stages in human development that would lead to this outcome. With Kant, Fichte, and Marx all predicting the end of formal human governments we might take this prediction as a distinctive feature of a certain class of philosophies of history. Toynbee, too, saw not exactly the end of the state, but the end of universal civilizations, which would cede their place to universal churches, which sounds to me a lot like Kant, Fichte, and Marx anticipating the ultimate abolition of government in a perfect society.
This we can understand as a kind of inverse teleology, in which it is not (or not only) the advent of some future eventuality that is foreseen, but the abolition of some present state-of-affairs in the future as the goal of human development. For Kant, Fichte, Marx, and Toynbee, there is a dual teleological movement, in which some novel state-of-affairs is to unfold, while a present state of affairs is to give way and disappear as the new order comes to replace it. We could call this a stadial philosophy of history, but it is as much a substitutional philosophy of history: one social order is substituted for another; familiar institutions are to be replaced by novel institutions that take their place.
As far as the new institutions are expected to be an improvement over the old, this is also a melioristic philosophy of history. All progressivist philosophies of history are also melioristic, but we can distinguish between gradualistic meliorism, in which iterated reform eventually converges on a perfect society, which could be a finite or an infinitistic process, and stadial meliorism, in which there is a replacement rather than reform of a social order, and this replacement is an improvement.
For a non-stadial, non-teleological philosophy of history, we can turn to Leopold von Ranke, who was critical of Fichte’s five epochs:

“One of the ideas with which philosophy again and again confronts history as an irrefutable claim is that mankind is on an uninterrupted road to progress, in a steady development toward perfection. Fichte, one of the foremost philosophers in this field, assumes five epochs, a world plan as he says – reason ruling through instinct, reason ruling through law, emancipation from the authority of reason, reason as science, and reason as art. If this or a similar scheme were to any extent true, then general history would have to follow the road of progress which the human race followed in the indicated direction from one age to the next. The sole subject matter of history would then be the development of such concepts as they appear and manifest themselves in the world of phenomena. But this is by no means the case. For one thing, the philosophers themselves have extraordinarily varied opinions about the nature and selection of these supposedly ruling ideas. But they very wisely focus only on a few peoples in world history while considering the lives of all the rest as nothing, as a mere supplement. Otherwise it could not be hidden for a moment that from the beginning to this day the peoples of the world have been in the most varied conditions.”

We saw earlier that Fichte by no means argued for an uninterrupted road to progress, but we can set that aside as being of secondary importance. The antagonism between Fichte and Ranke runs deeper. Ranke is often associated with the emergence of historicism, and sometimes he is identified as the source of historicism. Ranke even was willing to express his historicism in theological terms when we said that all ages are equidistant from God. With this view of history as consisting of co-equal periods each with their own integrity it would be difficult, though not impossible, to argue for progress. In Characteristics of the Present Age Fichte rejects the view that an age can be assessed on its own terms:

“Should our view of the Present Age prove to have been a view taken from the standing-point of this Age itself, should the eye which has taken this view have been itself a product of the Age which it has surveyed, then has the Age borne witness to itself and such testimony must be set aside.”

Fichte, then, needs some criterion for his view of the present age other than the present age itself, and he finds it in religion:

“…what has been the nature of this theory, considered in its essential elements, and to what chief department of human thought it has belonged? I answer:—It was a Religious Theory; all our contemplations were Religious contemplations, and our view of things, and the eye which embraced that view, were Religious.”

Fichte goes one better and actually gives a definition of religion in the next paragraph:

“RELIGION consists in regarding and recognising all Earthly Life as a necessary development of the one, original, perfectly good and perfectly blessed Divine Life.”

Both Ranke and Fichte, then, invoke theological sanction for their conception of history, though this conception is starkly different, with Ranke taking each age to be sufficient unto itself, and no less related to the divine than any other age, while Fichte took each age to be dependent upon a larger framework for its meaning. While Ranke the historian insists on the individual uniqueness of each age, while Fichte the philosopher sees each age in relation to the whole of which it is a part. It is the task of Fichte’s Characteristics of the Present Age to provide for his contemporaries this larger framework so that they can understand their place in history, which for Fichte means understanding their place in the moral development of humanity.
Even Fichte’s conception of religion and moral development is strikingly abstract, as we find a little further on in the last chapter of Characteristics of the Present Age: “…Religion is nothing external,—it never clothes itself in any outward manifestation.” And, “…True Religion does not manifest itself outwardly, and does not impel man to any course of external conduct which he would not otherwise have adopted, but that it only completes his true Inward Being and dignity.” This is not necessary an orthodox position, and we’ve already seen how Fichte got himself in trouble with authorities with his views on religion.
It would seem strange to call Fichte’s philosophy of history a providential philosophy of history, as it seems to have little in common with, say, St. Augustine, but by Fichte’s own account, his is a pervasively religious perspective, and his philosophy of history is an account of humanity’s progress toward moral perfection. This progress is a purely inward fulfillment, without any observational consequences, again, by Fichte’s own account. I’ve run into this view in one other thinker, and that is Simone Weil. In my episode on Weil I quoted her criticism of providentialism of a kind that I called vulgar providentialism:

“Divine Providence is not a disturbing influence, an anomaly in the ordering of the world; it is itself the order of the world; or rather it is the regulating principle of this universe. It is eternal Wisdom, unique, spread across the whole universe in a sovereign network of relations.”

I think Fichte would have agreed with this, and with the examples of both Fichte and Weil we can see that there is a place within the conceptual space of philosophy of history for what we could call a pure providential philosophy of history, or, if you like, an a priori providentialism.
Ranke’s criticism of Fichte is predicated upon the necessity of a vulgar providentialism that is reflected in the empirical world. But if, as Fichte said, religion is nothing external, and it does not impel man to any course of external conduct, neither should it impel any course of external conduct on the world. This also resolves the paradoxical argument that Angelica Nuzzo found at the heart of Fichte’s philosophy of history, since the bare factual nature of history can be distinguished from the providentialism that can be construed a priori.

Video Presentation

https://youtu.be/T8eIxZi0LrM
https://www.instagram.com/p/C7LPoSKNdPB/
https://odysee.com/@Geopolicraticus:7/j.-g.-fichte-and-a-priori:6

Podcast Edition

https://spotifyanchor-web.app.link/e/73G2BY64JJb
https://music.amazon.com/podcasts/a31b8276-53cd-4723-b6ad-a39c8faa4572/episodes/306a6446-d4d7-4e24-a447-c89fd310d7a2/today-in-philosophy-of-history-j-g-fichte-and-a-priori-providentialism
https://www.iheart.com/podcast/269-today-in-philosophy-of-his-146507578/episode/j-g-fichte-and-a-priori-177816272/
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People are often drawn to manifestation to make a specific change in their lives. The common ones include reconnecting with a specific person, finding a new job or making stacks of cash, but there are plenty of others. All of this is achievable as has been proven numerous times. There is, however, a problem that arises when we focus too much on one particular outcome and fail to notice all the other changes around us.
When we want something specific we naturally focus intensely on that one thing. We raise its importance and fail to notice the other things, or even other people, in the world around us. For example, when I was knee-deep in research papers studying for my psychology degree, my apartment was an absolute mess (as were my relationships!). This is a common occurrence in everyday life and it can happen with our manifestation practices too. When it does, it can cause a lot more frustration than a simple messy bedroom.
Being hyper-focused on our specific desires means we’re less likely to observe the positive changes happening in other areas of our lives on our way to manifesting our desired goal. Here’s an example to help explain what I’m getting at. Recently, I caught up with a friend who’d manifested contact with her ex-partner after being separated for long time. It took her around three months from our first discussions before he made contact with her, apologised for the break up, took responsibility for being an absolute man-child (seriously, why she wanted him back is beyond me, but the Law doesn’t judge even if I do) and asked her to meet for a coffee. You’re probably wondering why it took so long. It’s because she was so focused on her specific desire that she didn’t notice how the world around her was changing to accommodate it.
In those three months, the following happened:

• Two other former partners got in touch.
• Animosity with a work colleague subsided, and they’re now good friends (planning a holiday together!)
• Her sister started a relationship with someone her SP knew in University.
• She received flowers from anonymous sender on Valentine’s Day.

She didn’t make the connection between these events and the love she was generating within herself (for herself). Those internal changes were reflecting in her outer world, but because she was fixated on her one goal and wasn't seeing it, she reacted with frustration. You may recognise some of the following reactions as you may have chosen them yourself in the past:

• ‘Not interested in these ex’s! I want my man!’
• ’My colleagues are kinder and life is less stressful. But still no word from my future husband!’
• ’My sister gets a relationship? Why not me?’
• ’Flowers are nice. But I want them from HIM not a stranger.’

Don’t get me started on ‘future’ husband…
We discussed how to choose better reactions and…eventually…the 3D caught up.
The lesson here is about how we react to our circumstances and how that helps or hinders our manifestations. Hyper-focusing on a specific outcome blinds us to seeing the way every cell in existence bends to create the things we want and this can lead us to inadvertently rejecting or delaying that which wants to come to us. So, how should she have reacted to those situations?

• ‘Ex partners are always getting back in touch like this.’
• ‘Isn’t it so wonderful how people forgive the past and become friends again.’
• ‘A secret admirer? There are people that love me and I don’t even realise it.’
• ‘I’m so happy for my sister. There’s enough love in the world for everyone.’

The difference here is clear. This person is in a state that knows her ex returning is normal because she lives in a world that is curated for her (by her own mind) to provide the context for that situation to occur. If you’re new to all this, read that sentence again until it makes sense. I’ll break it down further in a future article and link to it here as well.
The world changes to create a context that allows our manifestations to appear in the most natural way possible. Your dream lover isn’t going to fall from the sky (very unnatural, although I know there will be one person in the comments who is in love with a professional sky diver….), but they are going to arrive when you accept you live in a world where that’s likely to occur and you’re the kind of person it’s likely to happen to.
When you go about your day, look at everything in the way you want to see it. If you’ve been waiting a long time to see your desire in the 3D world, it’s possible you’ve been failing to notice how the world is creating the perfect context for it to appear. I say failing to notice, because the change is always there. It is the law, after all, and it’s our decision to allow ourselves to witness it.
By training your mind to notice and listen to the world around you, you’re more likely to experience events like those my friend described for what they are — reflections of your emergent state of mind. In doing so, you’ll be able to choose to react to them with gratitude and satisfaction, confident in the knowing that your seed has begun to sprout and your wish has already been fulfilled. These circumstances, and all circumstances, should be used for our benefit and with the understanding that your ‘outer’ experience is always working for you.
Now go and create something beautiful.

Author's Note:
7700 words, broke Reddit's character limit, so you know the drill. Will be split into two parts, both posted today. Enjoy!
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"Stop! STOP!"
The terror in Kismet's voice rose higher as death drew nearer. He fled from Rob's grasping hand, but a Purge Divinity-infused fingernail managed to graze him, carving out a scoop of divine essence as if flaying a mortal's skin.
Kismet let out a screech as the Purging energy added to his growing collection of scars. A dozen small holes now dotted the surface of his mana-body, looking like he'd been pockmarked by wasting disease. Each wound represented a moment where the god had narrowly escaped with his life.
If those injuries had been inflicted by any other ability, then he could have rejuvenated himself in the time it took to blink. Purging energy was not so kind as that. It was purifying wrath in the shape of a Skill; their vengeance given form. Whatever divinity it touched, it extinguished.
As if cleansing the universe of a sickness that had infected it for far too long.
The BERSERKER continued his unrelenting advance. In response, Kismet threw up a frantic barrier of mana. It was strong enough to deflect one of Ragnavi's Annihilation beams–
And Rob blasted through it like paper mache. His charge sent broken shards of energy scattering across the divine realms. More mid-air rifts tore open, the HUMAN's aura strangling the surrounding area in a vice grip of power. Purge Divinity seemed to glow with light emanating straight from the pits of hell.
None of which was anywhere near as unnerving as the murder contained within his piercing gaze. When Kismet met Rob's eyes, he saw the end of eternity fast approaching.
The god's next barrier was just as frantic. However, this one was not comprised of mana, but of solid matter. Kismet summoned the hardest, most dense substance known to the mortal realms, then transmuted it into something that otherwise could only have been forged inside the heart of a dying star. It was many times more durable than the impossibly tough walls of an aberrant Dungeon.
So when Rob demolished it with a single punch, he actually had to put a bit of elbow grease into his windup.
Another wall materialized in front of him. He crushed it, then the one after, and the one after that, lashing out with bestial ferocity. The BERSERKER plowed through Kismet's hastily-built defenses like a bulldozer of fists and savagery. Rob was knocking them down as quickly as the god could make them, relishing the sensation of being able to vent his anger on targets that weren't fucking running away.
Then the twelfth wall fell – revealing a monstrous, spiky, fanged behemoth concealed behind.
Rob paused, momentarily taken aback at the sight of a mundane creature within the divine realms. 'Mundane' in relative terms, anyway. This monster was on par with a newborn Blight, radiating power that would have sent ordinary fighters sprinting for the hills.
It was also barely cognizant of its surroundings. The monster stared at him with unblinking, vacant eyes, just the tiniest glimmer of awareness present in its gaze. Rob noted that segments of its flesh were bubbling, as if the creature was fresh out of the oven and still needed to settle.
He couldn't help but feel a modicum of pity. This was yet another thoughtless creation, condemned to existence by an uncaring maker. Even monsters deserved better than that.
Rob caved the beast's head in before it could realize that it was alive. Pity was not the same as hesitation, and this was the only mercy he could afford to grant right now.
Didn't matter. Kismet's pawn served its purpose. In the brief instant that Rob spent getting over his initial surprise, the god had teleported to safety. He was already planning his next stunt that could buy him a few precious seconds of survival.
The HUMAN grimaced as he turned to give chase, unable to suppress the burgeoning sense of unease growing within his chest.
It almost didn't seem fair to feel that way. Rob knew he was winning – at least on the surface. Any outside observer would've bet their life savings on him, especially after the show of overwhelming superiority he'd just displayed. Kismet had been at a disadvantage before Never Forget Your Rage's recent upswing, and now it was no contest. Rob was confident that he would still be stronger even if the eight gods merged into one super-deity.
He also knew that he was living on borrowed time.
Whenever he moved, or activated a Skill, or even breathed...the sensation was there. Strength accompanied by incongruous frailty. Like background noise that kept getting louder with every action he took. His body felt close to pulling itself apart, as if his very molecules were a hairsbreadth away from coming undone.
It was different from Soul Instability. Whereas that threatened to collapse his soul, this frailty was an affliction of the flesh. The longer he fought, the more his physical form was at risk of popping like a balloon.
Such was the price of constraining godlike power within a mortal shell.
"Stay back!" Unaware of the turmoil fermenting in his assailant's mind, Kismet threw up his hands and...inverted...space? Rob didn't have a name for what he was seeing. Rather than stopping to puzzle out this latest brand of divine bullshit, he sent out a pulse of Purge Divinity, canceling whatever esoteric effect Kismet had been attempting to produce.
His Purging energy scraped against the divine realms like a cheese grater. Five rifts immediately tore open near both Rob and Kismet, with the god anxiously retreating from one that appeared just inches away from him. A low rumble echoed around them, and for a moment, they felt struck by an abrupt feeling of vertigo – until the realms gradually stabilized, righting once more.
For now.
Rob eyed the rifts with a detached, clinical gaze. An endless sea of mana resided behind them; the bedrock of the system itself. While he recognized that the rifts tearing open was bad news, he also couldn't really muster the energy to care. Between his overflowing rage, overtaxed body, and overburdened soul, minor details like the impending destruction of reality were hard to give much focus.
There was a way to fix all of that, of course. Rob couldn't outright deactivate Never Forget Your Rage – not without losing its bonus stats. But he could attempt to ease the storm of fury in his heart. By lessening his anger to more reasonable levels, Never Forget Your Rage would put less strain on both his body and the divine realms.
The notion forced a peal of hideous laughter to claw out of his throat. Lessen his anger? He'd have better luck trying to douse a volcano with a garden hose. No. For a wildfire that had grown this out of control, the only thing to do was stand aside and let it burn, burn, burn.
Until naught remained.
"I said stay back!" Kismet bellowed. He lifted his arms into the air. "Begone!" One moment later, Rob's vision was filled with scorching light. An apocalyptic geyser of mana burst forth from underfoot, intense and searing. It stripped the flesh from his bones in no time flat, powering through Almighty Resistance with pure, unmitigated violence.
And it still wasn't fast enough. Rob flickered a Purge Divinity shield for just an instant, allowing him to escape the geyser with his upper body – and most of his HP – intact. Lifesurge swiftly patched him up, leaving both combatants right back where they'd started.
Slowly, Kismet lowered his hands. They were shivering. "What are you?" he whispered. "Why are all my efforts in vain?"
To be honest, Rob was mildly impressed that Kismet had held on for this long. The god's combat efficacy was increasing as time passed, improving from panic-spamming teleports to more inventive maneuvers – as if he was learning how to fight on-the-job. He'd also stopped draining the other gods to supplement his power, having found an alternative source of fuel: mana seeping out from the sporadically-opening rifts.
It was the one silver lining to fighting an implacable BERSERKER so powerful that he fractured reality. Whenever Rob utilized Purge Divinity, more rifts opened up in the realms, and more mana leaked out from inside. The gods had invested that energy into the system millennia ago, and it typically would've been off-limits until they closed up shop and left Elatra. Kismet was making use of it now, absorbing the extra mana to strengthen himself, like a lifeline barely keeping him afloat.
The god's tenacity was...calling it 'admirable' would be going too far, but it did warrant a sort of begrudging respect. As someone who'd tangoed with multiple Blights, Rob knew what it was like to square off against a frenzied beast that could end him with a touch.
Being the scary one was a nice change of pace.
In exchange, Kismet had graciously donned the role of their battle's Combat Class user; fragile, outgunned, and pulling improvised maneuvers out of his ass for a chance at victory. The god could finally feel what it was like to be vulnerable. How exciting! Rob was more than happy to assist. Learning experiences such as these only came around once an eternity or so.
Flippancy aside – while Kismet still possessed room for improvement, this was the most that could be asked of a deity who hadn't seen combat in literal eons. His biggest fuckup had been taunting Rob in the wrong ways, but he couldn't have known about Never Forget Your Rage, that was an excusable oversight. By all other accounts, Kismet was performing adequately.
Even so...
"YoU aRE noTHinG."
The sound of Rob's voice caused two fresh rifts to open up. Kismet flinched, casting a teleportation spell out of pure reflex. Without pause, the HUMAN resumed his hunt.
Nothing. Perhaps that statement was hyperbole – yet it rang true nonetheless. While Kismet may have been a creature of supreme divinity, on the field of battle, his pedigree meant nothing. In the face of an implacable, unstoppable foe, his power was worth nothing. Very soon, he would be nothing, consigned to oblivion by Purging energy.
Rob couldn't help but unfavorably compare Kismet to the final Blight. Weren't these supposed to be two sides of the same coin? Each one-half of an original transcendent Will? Yet the Second Will had brought Rob to the edge of despair...and Kismet was fleeing like a cornered rodent. It was difficult to reconcile the two divinities as theoretical equals.
Although he knew that was an unfair comparison. Rob had fought the Blight before learning Limit Break and Never Forget Your Rage. Kismet wasn't weak.
The HUMAN was just far too strong.
If he rematched the Second Will today, he would beat it to death with his bare hands.
"Look at what you've wrought!" Kismet swept an arm out, gesturing towards some of the many rifts that Rob's presence was tearing open. "Do you understand what will transpire if you persist in this folly?! If the divine realms shatter, then so will all of Elatra! You are on the brink of destroying everything which you have striven to protect! Cease this–"
"CAN'T."
In a flash, Rob dashed forward and scooped out a chunk of the god's mana-body with Purge Divinity. Before he could do more, Kismet shrieked with pain and teleported away, leaving the BERSERKER to crush his prize between five clenched fingers.
"FoRCed mY HAnD." He located Kismet again. "NO GOING BACK."
Stopping wasn't an option. If the divine realms crumbled and Elatra imploded...well, that would be a faster end than what the gods had in store for its people. At least this way their deaths would be quick and hopefully painless – and his friends wouldn't be turned into Skills tortured for all eternity.
Still, Kismet did have a point. Destroying reality wasn't exactly the ideal outcome. There had to be a way to speed up the conclusion of their fight. Rob was certain he would win if given enough time, but he couldn't guarantee it would be before either his body or the divine realms collapsed.
{Ascend.}
Like a snake slithering through a minefield, Leveling High skirted past the whirlwind of thoughts and emotions raging within Rob's mind. He attempted to tune out its voice, yet Humanity's curse refused to be denied, the static loudening until he was compelled to respond. Quit distracting me, he snapped. In case you haven't noticed, I'm FUCKING. BUSY.
{You seek to ensure victory over those who rule above,} Leveling High continued, without missing a step. {As do I.}
Then sit back, shut up, and–
{Ignoring your deficiencies will not make them disappear. This body is...feeble. Incomplete. Unfit to wield the power contained therein. Like a polished sword attached to a brittle hilt, liable to snap in twain at any moment.}
Rob grit his teeth. He couldn't deny Leveling High's assertions. Normally he'd just tell it to piss off, but considering how much was at stake here...
With a feeling like he'd sat down to deal with the devil, Rob sighed. Then what do you propose? That we upgrade my body somehow? I don't think putting more points into Vitality would help, even if I had any to spare. Me being so juiced up on stats is half the problem.
It shook its head. {You have far surpassed the limitations of mortality. Strengthening your power further would be akin to pouring water into an overflowing cup.}
So we...what, increase the size of the cup?
Static akin to laughter echoed inside his head. {We do away with it entirely.}
An icy chill began creeping up Rob's spine, as if the cold hands of fate were working their way towards his neck. He recalled a system notification from days before – 'Your Race has morphed from Human (?) to: Ascending HUMAN'.
Not Ascended. Ascending.
Weeks-old memories came surging to the forefront. 'The Heartkiller is closer to our form of life than those you call friends,' the Blight-child of Elysium had once said. 'As long as you continue to live, eventually, you will become an existence with the power to crush the Others and free the Skills from their shackles. You are no longer one of the Ephemeral. Now, you are a cocoon, metamorphosing into something grander. When you emerge, you will be as the Eternal.'
The Blight-child had laughed at him, then. 'After joining us, preserving these worlds will no longer be your desire.'
Rob grimaced. Denied, he flatly told Leveling High. Whatever you're about to suggest isn't happening.
It scoffed at him. {Your prejudices blind you. Do you think the gods have need of physical bodies? Does it hinder them in any capacity? No – the opposite. By definition, infinity cannot be constrained. Discard this useless flesh, and your conquest of the divine realms is assured.}
Maybe you didn't hear me when I said–
{By all means. Spurn my counsel...and condemn your friends to death. Shall their lives be worth it, in the end?}
Rob sucked in air through clenched teeth.
{Ascend.} Leveling High purred with anticipation. {You are bound by a prison of meat, bone, and blood. Break free. Finish what has already begun. Gaze upon the tapestry of infinity in all its dreadful splendor. Seize victory not as a Human, but as a completed, transcendent HUMAN.}
With a scream to drown out the static, Rob chased after Kismet again and again. The god was in full-on panic mode, eschewing offensive attacks in favor of perpetual retreat, focused wholly on keeping the BERSERKER as far away as possible. He would teleport the instant that Rob laid eyes on him, frantically stalling for his life.
It was – quite unintentionally – providing evidence to Leveling High's claims. If Kismet was on the defensive, catching him would take time they might not have.
I... Rob narrowed his eyes. How would I finish Ascending, anyway? It isn't like I can just flip a switch and make it happen.
{Incorrect.}
He blinked. WHAT?
{You have long since achieved the qualifications for true godhood,} Leveling High explained, in a lecturing tone. {There is no milestone that remains necessary to achieve. Rather than needing to overcome some hurdle of strength or power, the obstacle barring your path is more...arbitrary. Self-imposed.}
Humanity's curse seemed to peer into his soul. When it spoke next, its voice was filled with disgust. {You remain mortal because you wish to do so – both consciously and subconsciously. The Ascension of a nascent deity has been obstructed by cheap sentimentality.}
Rob almost started an argument over its usage of 'cheap', but he exercised restraint, keenly aware that there was bigger fish to fry. Can't do anything about the subconscious. I am \not* activating Melancholy Resistance.*
{Nor should you,} Leveling High remarked, shuddering at the prospect. {A grand statement of intent will be sufficient to shift your mentality. I believe...yes.}
The static churned like a hive of buzzing wasps. {When you next tear off a piece of the leader god's mana...even if just a sliver...devour it. Gorge yourself on their essence.}
Bile threatened to rise to the top of Rob's throat. Seems excessive, he mused, trying and failing to keep his tone lighthearted. To become a god, I eat a god? Wouldn't that make me a divine cannibal?
{You ARE a cannibal.} Leveling High's voice wavered, its veneer of helpfulness slipping to reveal the madness that lay beneath. {What do you think you've been DOING for nearly a YEAR? You kill, ingest your prey's Experience, and MAKE THEIR POWER YOUR OWN. This world is one of consumption and parasitism – devouring a god's essence is merely a more HONEST variant of THE SAME actions.}
...You clearly weren't paying attention during Diplomacy's PR lessons. Rob pursued Kismet once again, pressing his fingernails into his palms when the god hurriedly teleported away. There is such a thing as being too straightforward. If you want people to listen to you, then maybe dress up your words so they don't sound so horrifying.
{BUT AM I WRONG?}
Rob had no answer to that.
Bolts of divine mana peppered his skin. Kismet had barely managed to squeeze an attack in-between his escapes. The bolts ricocheted off Rob's skin like ping-pong balls, leaving minor scrapes and nothing more. It wasn't anywhere close to bypassing Almighty Resistance and his massive HP pool.
Yet it also reminded him of the mana-spears that Kismet had sent towards the rest of Riardin's Rangers. His Party members only possessed a shared, diluted version of Almighty Resistance, and their HP was a fraction of his. If Kismet aimed another attack of that caliber at them...how many would perish, right then and there?
Was Leveling High correct? What point was there to sentimentality if it just got his friends killed?
In truth, Rob knew that it didn't really matter if he completed his Ascension. Based on what he had planned for himself after the gods were dead, little would change either way. Still...he also knew that Ascending would be a one-way trip. No take-backs. If he went through with it, a fundamental part of him would be irrevocably altered.
Something twinged in a corner of his mind. It wasn't Leveling High, or his rage, or any of the other emotions currently dominating his headspace. This was a familiar friend; perhaps Rob's #1 most trusted confidant since he'd first set foot in Elatra. One that had rarely ever steered him wrong.
Paranoia.
And at the moment, it was telling him to be very careful before jumping into the deep end.
Ten teleports.
{What?}
Give it ten more Kismet teleports, Rob said. If I haven't dealt him a serious injury by then....I'll do what I need to do. He grimaced as Kismet vanished before he'd even finished the thought. Ten starting now.
Leveling High's static quieted. It resembled a patron at a restaurant who'd ordered their meal, and was waiting patiently for the main course to arrive.
Rob didn't waste time being offended over its nonchalance. Free of distractions, he immediately swept his gaze across the divine realms, pinpointing his quarry in a micro-instant. The BERSERKER dashed forward, pushing his body as far as he could, layering Rampages on top of Dexterity that made the laws of physics want to curl up and weep.
Kismet was prepared. He'd drawn more mana from the fractured rifts, quickening his speed and reactions. It wasn't much, but it was enough to keep his head above water, not yet outpaced by their continually escalating arms race.
The HUMAN struck, the god fled, and both were left in the same position as before.
{One.}
Rob turned on a dime, charging without needing to look. He'd heard the moment that Kismet's teleport ended. It afforded him a split-second head start.
A gravity well suddenly appeared below his feet, as if a miniaturized black hole was weighing him down. Apparently, Kismet had set it up ahead of time as a just-in-case trap. Rob pierced through the spell's area of effect before it could ramp up to something dangerous, but his pace was slowed by a hair in the process, and his prey escaped.
{Two.}
You know what? Screw this. Rob whirled away from Kismet's newest location and blasted straight towards one of the lesser deities that his Party members were fighting.
He'd been too hung up on getting even with a hated foe – when there were seven other juicy morsels for him to play with. This way, Kismet would either sit back and watch as his allies were massacred, or the god would be forced to act instead of running like a goddamn cowar–
Sense Mana alerted Rob to magic gathering behind.
Pivoting, he leapt into the air. Rob superimposed himself in front of Kismet, bodyblocking the rainstorm of destructive mana that was about to be unleashed upon Riardin's Rangers.
Due to his swift response, the attack was released early. A simple Purge Divinity shield prevented him from incurring any damage. Rob still felt no sense of triumph as the mana dissipated around him. He just wasn't fast enough to kill the lesser gods and protect his Party at the same time – or at least not fast enough that he should gamble their lives on it.
Kismet disappearing a moment later didn't help matters either.
{Three.}
Frontal assaults weren't guaranteed to succeed, and targeting the other gods was a no-go. Could he take Kismet by surprise? Increase his Dexterity?
Rob contemplated mining Never Forget Your Rage for more stats, but swiftly vetoed the idea. His body was already struggling to hold itself together. Putting additional strain on a shaky foundation seemed...unwise.
Plus – at the risk of eating crow in the near future – he didn't actually think it was possible to feel angrier at the gods than he was right now. Seriously, what was left?
He hated them for sending him to a fantasy deathworld. He hated them for tormenting his friends and family. He hated them for being partially responsible for the Blight. He hated them for what they'd done to Elatra and Earth. He hated them for all the lives they'd stolen. He hated them for being the living embodiments of indifference and cruelty. He hated that they fostered good PR among the people they oppressed. He hated how monsters of such craven hypocrisy were also immeasurably powerful. He hated the sensation of divine mana crawling on his skin. He hated the unsettling sound of their voices. He hated their bizarre formless appearances. He hated them for being pompous pricks. He hated whenever they tried to relate to him. He hated whenever they didn't.
Most of all, he hated that they were still alive.
Even if he found out that they'd personally antagonized him since birth or some petty nonsense like that, it wouldn't measure up to the litany of transgressions they'd committed thus far. The blazing inferno within his soul could burn no hotter. Should burn no hotter. For his sanity's sake, if nothing else.
Kismet teleported. It wasn't in response to anything. He'd merely anticipated some sort of action – and was then baffled afterwards when he noticed the rampaging BERSERKER standing quietly in deep thought.
{Four.}
Rob advanced. While he didn't have a plan yet, he'd also learned that if he gave Kismet the slightest amount of breathing room, bad things tended to happen.
Can any of my Skills give me an edge? Unfortunately, he didn't think so. As usual, his lack of ranged options was biting him in the ass when it mattered most. Almost everything he could use required getting in close – which was the whole freaking problem – and none would be more effective than Purge Divinity, regardless.
Maybe I could set up a Waymark point, then catch Kismet's teleport with one of mine...no, that won't work either. The odds of him popping in next to a random Waymark point are slim. Could fill the battlefield with lots of Marks, but even then I have to consider the Skill's activation time. With my current Dexterity, it'd honestly be faster just to run at him.
The vast majority of his abilities simply weren't up to par in a clash with divinity. Limit Break, Purge Divinity, and Never Forget Your Rage had been specifically designed by the Skills to facilitate deicide. Something like Power Slash couldn't possibly compare to jailbroken stats and a touch of death.
As an act of defiance against his own logic, he cast Enmity, the only ability that could feasibly hit Kismet at range. The god casually shrugged off its effect before promptly escaping.
{Five.}
Like a frustrated animal, Rob snarled and gave chase. Just need to keep trying. Kismet isn't perfect.
{Six.}
Sooner or later, he's going to mess up.
{Seven.}
He's going to mess up.
{Eight.}
HE HAS TO MESS UP.
Suddenly, Kismet transformed his right hand into a blade of mana. With one harsh motion, he sliced open his own left arm.
By now, Rob had conditioned himself to never stop moving forward, even if something shocked him – which this sight very much did. His mouth dropped open, and Leveling High paused in the middle of eating its metaphorical popcorn. They still kept advancing without an iota of hesitation.
And ran straight into the mana cloud leaking out from Kismet's wound.
Rob blinked, opening his eyes to a wonderful day. The twisting plains looked dazzlingly beautiful, with fauna and plantlife lit by rays of effervescent light from the twin stars shining above. People cheerfully went about their day, happily shaking their trunks in shows of greeting, or rattling their scales to initiate merry games.
All was at peace.
Until – in unison – everyone froze. The tumult of life went quiet in an instant, replaced with pensive silence.
As if they'd been struck by the creeping, pervasive sensation of being watched.
A sound rang out. Half of them immediately fell over dead, fluids gushing from their ruined bodies.
The survivors could only lay there, crippled and in pain, as more people slowly rose into the air. Invisible fingers seemed to pluck them from the ground – and then began ripping off their limbs, one at a time, like a child dissecting butterflies–
Rob dragged himself back to the present.
It had taken much less time than before to recognize what was happening. Now that he knew what to expect, experiencing the remnant souls' lives wasn't so different from the dreamlike quality of an Attunement vision. Although...realizing that he'd witnessed the end of a world preceding Elatra did cause his thoughts to hitch for a single moment.
Which was just enough for Kismet to forge a spear of mana, then send it plunging through Rob's eye, skull, and brain. Its tip was forged to shred anything it touched, no matter how durable or Resistant.
The god whooped with glee – only to wince as the HUMAN's sole reaction was a long, drawn-out sigh. With an air of exasperation, he reached up and yanked the divine spear free with a nauseating splorch.
His eye had been reduced to a seeping red mess. He closed its eyelid. When he opened it again, the orb within had already Regenerated, now sporting an unamused glare.
It was something of a unique moment. Mid-battle events didn't typically leave both combatants feeling disheartened. The all-powerful god was losing faith that he could ever hope to stop Rob's onslaught...
And the BERSERKER didn't know if he could justify continuing on like this. His body still felt like it was pulling itself apart; if anything, the sensation was growing more pronounced as their battle progressed. While Kismet would make a fatal mistake eventually, Rob couldn't guarantee that he would last long enough to capitalize on it.
Unless he followed Leveling High's advice and–
With a howl that shook the divine realms, Rob launched his stolen spear at Kismet. His aim was true, yet it sailed through empty air, the god's afterimage tauntingly fading away.
{Nine.}
Final chance.
​
--
​
Link to Part 2

About 3 years ago I discovered my wife was cheating on me with a co worker of hers. It was what I guess you would call an emotional friend. I won't get in to the details of how I found out but after confronting her a few times over a few months she finally turned around and ended things with that person. At the same time many issues she had with me came to light and were brought up as reasons for what she did. I took all of this to heart, wanted my marriage to work, and agreed with many of her concerns. This led to a period of reconciliation between us where we we really working on things, and our relationship, love life, etc. was as good as it had been in a while. Things seemed good, I knew she was genuinely remorseful too.
That good period lasted for 9 months or so and then I noticed a change in her behavior towards me. She wanted to be out of the house more, do more things on her own, etc. This was coming out of covid so of course I understood, and supported her as I was fully committed to making things work for her as much as I could. During this time I began hearing about a new employee of hers though. His name always seemed to come up when talking about where she'd been, baseball, things for work, etc. Normal stuff, all good but coming out of being cheated on and the residual affects of that, hearing the same guys name a lot raised a lot of flags.
I expressed my concerns over this which led to a lot of defensiveness but insistence that things were good. I noticed our romantic life began to suffer during this time too, not non existent but very sporadic and noticeably different. More defensives when it came up. Generally she was much more withdrawn, emotionless towards me, just different. I also noticed my wife on her phone texting more, a bad habit from the first instance of cheating, and she always seemed to be texting with this employee. This continued throughout a couple vacations we took, constant texting, taking selfies, etc. She continued to spend more time out and later hours at work during this time too. I raised my specific concerns multiple times, tried to express I was feeling isolated, etc, but the friendship continued.
Things came to a head around that christmas. She became very angry when I again brought up my concerns. During this time she became very resistant and unwilling to make decisions together, make plans, spend time together, ets. and her mood towards me really seemed to change for the worse. I asked about marriage counselling and we did begin attending during this time. This was about a year ago and our love life ended at that time too at her insistence. So we attended counselling for about 3 months, both of us were honest and shared but after a while she pulled away from that. She became very angry and resentful, dissociated from her family and mine during this time too. Brought up past resentments with how they'd treated her in the past. Just overall very angry and negative.
The friendship continued, with her continued insistence it was innocent. over the past year I've noticed some periods of time where shes spent less time with him, less texting, but I mean any amount of it I hope people would understand is harmful to me. Things never went away though and she'd make a show of saying shes with him, etc. or he'd be there with others just so I knew she wasn't hiding anything. I feel my concerns are valid, especially given our past issues and my genuine efforts to work on the marriage and on self improvement.
Recently though on the topic of self improvement I've been noticing a big chasm between how others around me (coworkers, family, etc.) react to me and how my wife does. I feel I'm a very positive person and others react very well to this but my wife maintains this strong wall against me despite my self improvement and consistently more positive behavior in our marriage over several years now, citing past behavior on my part that led to the first affair. This has become harder and harder for me to live with. I despearately want to make my marriage work, for myself, our kids and for every other normal reason. There is just so much to lose and I know I could contribute to a good marriage if we both wanted to work towards one.
She refuses to do that though. Cites past behaviour. But stays in the marriage, etc. It hasnt added up for a while. Why the abject refusal to at least try working on things when were still together with no plans not to be? Like why not at least try. Start with small things, low stakes at the start, build the trust, etc. Doesn't make sense. So recently I've started noticing things and I've found proof after 2 years of this that she has recently been lying about spending time with this employee. Business trip inconsistencies, etc. Scrap notes talking about cuddling, etc, being kissed on the forehead, holding hands, etc. with him when she was supposed to be elsewhere with other people.
So I confronted her with my feelings that something about her recent trip doesn't add up. Can she prove she was where she said she was. I know she cant. She became extremely angry, defensive, threats to leave the marriage, to walk out over me going there. It was bad. I never laid my cards fully out though to prove I know she's lying. I wanted to see if she would admit to anything, she won't. Still insists her friendship with this person has been significantly reduced (it hasn't, again I have proof of lying and that its inappropriate). I'm not sure if its sexual, but there is a clear emotionally supportive friendship happening that is definitely walking the line.
We're at the point now where we are talking separation for the summer. So I can work on my trust issues (yeah again I'm the cause of everything). Part of me feels its ok to try. She says shes still open minded to work on things if a separation helps to improve things but she won't commit. Theres clearly a lot of gas lighting here. I'm torn if this is even worth it or if I'm out of hope. Again there is so much to lose. I love this person so much and know it could work if we were focused on the same things. And of course the impact to my kids that I desperately want to avoid. I understand the emotional cheating is to fill something she wasn't getting from me in the past. But again, lots of self improvement on my part over years now and she has acknowledged I've changed for the better and can be a good husband. But refuses to work on things (despite being together) or to even tell me what she needs different. All I get is that she's traumatized from the past.
I'm looking for advice here. I know what I'm describing is a situation most would walk away from or even not let get this far. But here I am several years later. My strong conviction and desire is to try to earn a chance to make it work together, until the wheels fall off. But I also know I'm at the end of the road now. Am I right to keep trying this last ditch effort? Or am I being misled in it too. I'm so stressed, confused and have been carrying this for years. I know most of the replies will be blunt and that I should leave her, end things, start over. But I'm looking for any advice out there too that could help me stay on the path I've been on, I still have some hope. Please help. I need reassurance I'm still on the right path.

The past few months I have encountered what seems to be a scam that comes from LinkedIn. So I would apply to mass jobs posting as I usually do. And then sometime later, I would receive an email from what it looks like a job posting that I applied to. In this email the recruiter ask me that they are interested, and then they'll tell me to reply "YES" if I'm interested. After I reply, they will send another email saying that I have to fill out a questionnaire or survey for them to review. After I fill out the survey, which just contains a bunch of pretty generic questions about the job position, and what would you do in those situations or scenario or past experiences, I tried to reply back with that completed questionnaire. And then what happens usually is that either I get no reply back, or when I try to reply back to the email the email completely disappears. When I try to reply using the Gmail I get a this email domain doesn't exist error and email is not delivered. Which freaked me out since I spent a good hour filling out this detailed written questionnaire response.
When I check the company, it is a real company, with a real website. But when I check the actual email domain address of the sender, it is slightly different than the career site or job portion in the company's website. Which makes me believe that it is a scam and not that that recruiter's got fired so his email is gone. So what I'm thinking is that a fake job poster, is copying a company's information and sending out fake reaching out messages and impersonating as a recruiter or HR person. This has happened to me three times, and it happened for the exact same job position, "technical support specialist". And another thing that makes this communication more of a red flag is that the pay rate for this position is really absurdly high, $55 an hour or $120,000 a year. I still don't really understand what the purpose of this scam is. They are not asking for personal information or anything, but they probably already got it if they made a LinkedIn account. They do send a PDF link, which I click on in order to download to fill out the questionnaire, which guess could have been infected, no way I can tell.
So moral of the story, if you see a email from a recruiter and they tell you to reply "YES" and then you have to fill a survey, and the pay position is a lot higher than the market rate, it is probably a scam, don't waste your time.

The past few months I have encountered what seems to be a scam that comes from LinkedIn. So I would apply to mass jobs posting as I usually and then I would receive an email from what it looks like a job posting that I applied to. In this email the recruiter ask me that they are interested, and then they tell me to reply "YES" if I'm interested. After that they will send another email saying that I have to fill out a questionnaire or survey for them to review. After I fill out the survey, which just contains a bunch of pretty generic questions about the job position, and what would you do in those situations or scenario or past experiences, I tried to reply back with that completed questionnaire. And then what happens usually is that either I get no reply back, or when I try to reply back to the email the email completely disappears. When I try to reply using the Gmail I get a this email domain doesn't exist error and email is not delivered. Which freaked me out since I spent a good hour filling out this detailed written questionnaire response.
When I check the company, it is a real company, with a real website. But when I check the actual email domain address of the sender, it is slightly different than the career site or job portion in the company's website. Which makes me believe that it is a scam and not that that recruiter's got fired so his email is gone. So what I'm thinking is that a fake job poster, is copying a company's information and sending out fake reaching out messages and impersonating as a recruiter or HR person. This has happened to me three times, and it happened for the exact same job position, "technical support specialist". And another thing that makes this communication more of a red flag is that the pay rate for this position is really absurdly high, $55 an hour or $120,000 a year. I still don't really understand what the purpose of this scam is. They are not asking for personal information or anything, but they probably already got it if they made a LinkedIn account. They do send a PDF link, which I click on in order to download to fill out the questionnaire, which guess could have been infected, no way I can tell.
So moral of the story, if you see a email from a recruiter and they tell you to reply "YES" and then you have to fill a survey, and the pay position is a lot higher than the market rate, it is probably a scam, don't waste your time.

Its so embarassing that its come to this, but I just cant take it anymore. Im unable to express my feelings in a clear manner, and at the end of the day everything always feels useless. I know that it will be getting worse in life and I have no idea what to do. I'm so lost and i feel like i can't ask anybody for help at all.
I used to be a person who shared all of my positive and negative feelings with people, but nobody cared about the negative ones, so now I only let them see the best of me. I cried out for help with many stuff that always had some meaning in them, and nobody cared enough to listen to me. So I stopped.
I have a friend that does the exact same thing that I do and it frustrates me because I take the time to listen to them when nobody listened to me. My friend also asks me to open up, but I'm afraid that they wont understand. They dont understand, they really wont. Sometimes i find myself out of breath, not being able to express myself without breaking down. My family also appears to be very christian, and if i were to relay these feelings to them, a simple prayer would be made to solve everything. And while it might help a little, it will never be able to fill the hole in my chest that is unpatchable.
I've attempted suicide 2 times, failed and went to the hospital. My parents were shocked, but more sad. I'm not going to say that nobody loves me, but it is more that, I do not love myself. I always wonder how people would be if i wasn't around, and I yearn for that world. I wish that I didn't exist, as so there would be nobody to mourn if I died. God has blesssed and cursed me with a strong immune system, knowing that the thing I want most in life is to die. I have been able to convince myself to stay alive, but it hurts so much. Everyday, nobody is there and I'm tired. So very tired of it all.

I work for a company which now has mostly the setting of a call centre since Covid. I was employed as a bilingual employee (English/ french) I would say 40% of my work is in French. When I was brought on I had a bilingual team and leadership but because we were a new type of team we were not offered a higher salary than those who speak only English. Now the people who only speak English have much lower load of work and on top of that often ask us to translate documents for them, even though that pulls us away from our own duties/goals.
The company has been telling us for few years that “something is in the works” in terms of giving us a higher wage. However they ended up dismantling my team altogether not even addressing the salary increase. So at this point I’m just curious how many people are getting paid more for bilinguals positions. If that part of my job was only about 10% I wouldn’t bother but because it’s pretty much split I feel it’s unfair I’m not compensated accordingly. Neither French or English are my first languages, so when I say it’s a skill it is because I had to put effort and money in acquiring it.
Please kindly share your experiences.

First time ever commenting in this particular sub. If you go on my profile you'll get the gist of what happened, but if you don't...essentially, I believe that my now ex girlfriend of 3 years was cheating.
Time line is, she quit her full time job last September. She gets a new job at a restaurant about a month later...I wasn't too positive about it because it seemed like a big jump back, but we had a fight about it and afterwards that seemed resolved.
Anyway. The week before christmas, she starts talking about this coworker... We had a talk about it and I felt OK afterwards, but she said some weird things too. Like how she wanted to give him rides to and from work because his car sucked and it was cold out where she lived. She also said she didn't want to be with him because he has a twelve year old non verbal autistic son and she didn't think she could be a good mother figure to the boy... Nothing about her being my girlfriend already. Hell no. But we had a talk, and I came away from it feeling fine, like it was a silly workplace crush, you know? I really thought that would be the last that I would have heard about him.
By the next week, she was BEGGING me to fly out to her (she lives three states away) because #1, she wanted me to be out there with her again but #2, so she could take me to the restaurant she works at...so I could pick a fight with him. The coworker. Needless to say that never happened. It was an absolutely stupid idea. And I had zero money in my bank account at the moment because I had covid19 the week before...so even if I wanted to, I wouldn't have been able to.
A few days go by and we have another fight, she tells me that she had been invited out for tacos. Now, this happening almost 4 months ago, I don't remember exactly what I said to her... I guarantee it was not nice and we pretty much broke up on the spot. That was Jan. 15th.
I spent at least 2 weeks crying and begging for her to talk to me one last time without ever really putting the pieces together that she was doing some unscrupulous things.
The kicker was when I went on instagram, The only thing she didn't block me on because even I forgot my username so she didn't even know my username... looked her up, she was already in a bar with the co worker that I wasn't supposed to worry about. That damn near killed me. The heartbreak was intense and I was... Let's just say a step away from doing something very permanent.
Now I've said all that to say this. Early early early this morning...I found my old microSD card. Filled to the brim with old memories of her. I, of course looked...and I kinda don't feel anything towards them anymore. Still think she's a beauty... But she's just some girl to me.
Had a bunch of old voice notes on there too. I know what it's from, It's from where I tried to switch over all my data from a broken phone to a new phone and something happened so it never actually completed the process. I listened to some of the old voice notes. And I just laugh because it's like, how can you go from somebody being your best friend and your lover and the person you want your in bed all the time and somebody you're constantly begging to come move out three states away to you... to essentially a damn stranger?
You loved me and you cared for me that fuckin much until your new co-worker came around and I was expected to fight him over you? And then when I didn't you decided to do what you did? Yeah something isn't right about that at all.
Never thought that the biggest miracle in my life would actually end up being the biggest mistake and lesson in my life.

I've taken multiple tests and want to know exactly what type I am. I'd like an extra opinion on what potential types I might have, as I'm not sure if what results I am getting are due to me wanting to be a certain type and a certain person, and if I am an unbiased enough source. I'm not even sure if my answers to the questionnaire are the most reliable, especially since I have a bad recollection of what I've thought of in the past or my behaviors, and I have a memory that is not ideal in certain areas. On tests, I've gotten INTP, ENTP, and I have a feeling INFP and ENFP might be strong contenders.

• How old are you? What's your gender? Give us a general description of yourself.

All I’m going to say about my age is that I am young and I’m a student. I am female. I don’t think I understand myself too much, but I’m trying. I’m not sure how accurately I can assess myself.

• Is there a medical diagnosis that impact your mental/comportamental stability somehow?

I have been diagnosed with ADHD.

• If you had to spend an entire weekend by yourself, how would you feel? Would you feel lonely or refreshed?

That depends. I do it all the time and it really depends on how much I can do before getting bored. When I’m alone I can at least reflect on things, ideas, or whatever is going on in my head. I already spend most of my time alone because I have no social life and I find it hard to get to know people I click with, or people I can share my ideas with. Without other people, I can't discuss my ideas with other people and get their thoughts, which is something I like to have.

• What is your relation with movement and your surroundings? For instance do you prefer a sport or outdoors event? If an outdoors event what is it? And why? If not what type of activities do you tend to engage in?

I’m going to admit that I’m not the best at observing my surroundings. I have a tendency to walk too close to the counter and hit the side of my body against it, or smack my foot on a chair leg. I walk strangely. I’ve noticed that. That might be an ADHD thing.

• How curious are you? Do you have more ideas then you can execute? What are your curiosities about? What are your ideas about - is it environmental or conceptual, and can you please elaborate?

I’d like to say that I’m curious. But am I? I’m not sure. What things about me, things that I question, my general outlook on life, what qualities found within me would label me as someone who's curious? What I’m curious about can change, I tend to hop from one thing to another, which leaves me with a large amount of surface knowledge, but I can never get too deep into anything due to my mind already getting preoccupied by something else. I'd say I have more ideas than what I can execute. There are so many different paths I can take, so many different ways I can write this, or do that. My ideas are more conceptual. I'd think of a way to write a story or an imaginary situation. I'd go into more detail, but trying to pull up exactly what my ideas are is hard. It seems like I tend to forget my ideas a lot, or until something triggers them again.

• Would you enjoy taking on a leadership position? Do you think you would be good at it? What would your leadership style be?

I don’t know if I’d enjoy a leadership position or not. I dislike having to wrangle other people into doing their jobs during group projects, and I don’t like doing work I’m not interested in. I’d rather do things myself just because only I can at least measure up to my lofty expectations, or at least conjure a small fraction of them. I don’t take leadership positions often, so I’m not sure how I’d lead others. I’d rather question and criticize the leader’s decisions rather than contribute any meaningful ideas to the project.

• Are you coordinated? Why do you feel as if you are or are not? Do you enjoy working with your hands in some form? Describe your activity?

I am not coordinated. I run into things all the time, the edge of my desk, my door frame, the door handle, the countertop, a chair, etc. I walk super funny. I don’t mind working with my hands. It’s nice sometimes. I like working with my hands in the sense that it keeps my hands occupied. I move and fidget a lot. I can't sit still. It doesn't feel write when I'm forced to not at least move one part of my body repetitively.

• Are you artistic? If yes, describe your art? If you are not particularly artistic but can appreciate art please likewise describe what forums of art you enjoy. Please explain your answer.

I don’t know if I’m artistic. I’ve created my own characters for a story, or at least the shreds of one, and I like to come up with imaginary scenarios. I like to create elements in settings. Oftentimes, I do need some inspiration, something I can take an idea and turn it into something else. I really enjoy music and stories. With music, there’s something about it that I love, how it can evoke something from me, oftentimes a moment of an imaginary story, if that makes sense. I enjoy stories because there is so much to get from it. It’s at least entertaining, and it’s interesting to see how someone, a character or a real individual ends in the way they do.

• What's your opinion about the past, present, and future? How do you deal with them?

I have a bad memory, at least in certain aspects. The past is something I do wish I could remember better, at least to remember the fun and good things that happened, but there’s not much I can do about it. The future is something I fantasize about. I wonder what I’ll be, what I could be, and how unrealistic those paths and outcomes are. It’s a way to pass the time. There’s so much that could happen, so many ways my life could instantly change for the worse. There’s not much to say about the present. It constantly changes and it never stays for long in my memory. So I’ll just do whatever will keep me entertained for the moment. I have a sort of disconnect from my past self. When I think about myself, I have a hard time seeing any version of myself aside from my present self. It's hard to comprehend that I've changed, rather, I feel as if I've always been the way that I am.

• How do you act when others request your help to do something (anything)? If you would decide to help them, why would you do so?

That is heavily dependent on what exactly I am helping other people with. If it's anything involving heavy lifting, I'm not going to be too happy with it, just because I'm not going to be helpful. I help people due to

• Do you need logical consistency in your life?

I’m not sure. I like to get what I expect out of my work. Reality is unrealistic. It might be futile to expect logic to happen. It might be nice in some areas.

• How important is efficiency and productivity to you?

I’d be better if I were more efficient and productive, but I’m not. I’ll either be doing no work or forty hours of work within two hours.

• Do you control others, even if indirectly? How and why do you do that?

Do I? I might. I might be doing it subconsciously. I find others that I’m not too familiar with. I know what members of my family like me better. So I’ll use that to my advantage. I know that while I’m awkward and have a hard time talking to people like a normal person, I’m aware that some people find it appealing, especially if I’m genuine (or at least seem that way) or nice to them.

• What are your hobbies? Why do you like them?

My hobbies constantly change because I tend to bounce between multiple hobbies. One day I’m looking at airplane crashes. Next, I’m looking at birds or disasters. I’ll watch a whole bunch of media analysis videos because I tend to miss so many details when consuming pieces of media. I do have this whole fantasy world with a large number of characters I've made up, just due to how it encourages me to research other topics and I find it fun to implement elements from other pieces of media into it. I also have an addiction to TvTropes because I find looking at patterns in pieces of media quite fun, and it's fun seeing how certain tropes are a thing.

• What is your learning style? What kind of learning environments do you struggle with most? Why do you like/struggle with these learning styles? Do you prefer classes involving memorization, logic, creativity, or your physical senses?

Funnily enough, I could never figure out my learning style. That was because I tended to pick up on subjects very easily, so I never could tell what worked with me better. I prefer a learning environment where I can ask questions and get clarification, and as much as I dislike engaging and working with groups, I find it easier to process things if I can at least discuss those subjects with other people.

• How good are you at strategizing? Do you easily break up projects into manageable tasks? Or do you have a tendency to wing projects and improvise as you go?

I’m not that good at strategizing. I’d rather wing it, just due to my inability to think of ideas and paths to get things done. I can't get my brain in order and any plans I make will get derailed soon afterwards.

• What's important to you and why?

I thought about it for a little bit and realized that I don't have much of an idea about what I find important. I think I seek validation from people, as much as I don't admit it. I think I care about people's opinions more than I'd like to. But individual things that are important to me? I'm not sure. I've been trying to make some things important to me.

• What are your fears? What makes you uncomfortable? What do you hate? Why?

I fear rejection. I'm horribly sensitive to it and I'm not sure why. I can't name what I hate, but there are a lot of things that I'm frustrated with. I have some existential fears. I'm scared of what people could do to me. I fear what people think of me. I'm sure it's because people see me as strange. I'm alone, but I don't mind too much. But I still have that part of myself that has those fears.

• What do the "highs" in your life look like?

I'm enjoying new things, and new experiences.

• What do the "lows" in your life look like?

I'm stuck in an endless loop of days that seem to blend, doing the same mind-numbing tasks over and over. Then I start to wonder if this is all life has to offer me. Or I'm going through that downward spiral and I wonder if I can truly be valued, loved, or have any worth. I feel unlovable when stressed.

• How attached are you to reality? Do you daydream often, or do you pay attention to what's around you? If you do daydream, are you aware of your surroundings while you do so?

I am not attached to reality at all. I daydream a lot. When I daydream, my surroundings fade away. I’ve noticed that this happens when I’m focused on one task. I’ll often walk around, thinking about various subjects. I have walked past people I know well without noticing them despite knowing them well, just because I'm so deep in thought that I no longer notice things that are practically in front of me.

• Imagine you are alone in a blank, empty room. There is nothing for you to do and no one to talk to. What do you think about?

I’m not sure how I’ll react, but I have a few theories. I’ll just think about multiple things, like philosophical concepts, the latest form of media I’ve consumed, and random things. I’ll be thinking about all of my characters and potential plot points for a story. I’ll pace around while doing so because I’ll think better when my legs are moving and I’m walking around in circles. Eventually, I’ll get bored. Then I’ll contemplate a large number of things like when I’ll get to do something else because I need something to trigger the thought process. I might just sleep. Who knows. I might go down a dark spiral of self-pity, or maybe I’ll be confused about how I got into that room in the first place.

• How long do you take to make an important decision? And do you change your mind once you've made it?

I wait as long as I possibly can because I’ll probably have no idea what I’m doing. I’ll make a decision and question it. I’d like to say I’d try and consider if it’s a good decision, but I’m going to need a little more context about what decision I’m making before I’ll know what my approach on making important decisions is.

• How long do you take to process your emotions? How important are emotions in your life?

I have a hard time regulating my emotions. So oftentimes, I’ll be wondering why I’m feeling that way, why I’m reacting a certain way. I tend to start overanalyzing my emotions and overthink things. A lot of the time, I can’t figure it out. I find my emotions to be rather annoying, I can be overly sensitive and easily overwhelmed by emotions. I’m pretty sure that’s partially because of my ADHD, after doing some research. I find my emotions strange because I often react emotionally in strange ways.

• Do you ever catch yourself agreeing with others just to appease them and keep the conversation going? How often? Why?

I don't remember doing this. There are other ways to keep a conversation going and it depends on if I really want to be talking with this person for any longer.

• Do you break rules often? Do you think authority should be challenged, or that they know better? If you do break rules, why would you?

I wouldn’t consider myself that much of a rulebreaker. I’ll pirate stuff. I’ll ignore stuff that other people say. I think authority should be challenged, especially since I’ve reasoned that oftentimes, authority does not know better. I’m too lazy to be outright defiant. If a rule’s stupid, I might ignore it.

At the very beginning of my Freshman year, my mother and grandpa passed away. [sorry for the dramatic cold open!] I was struggling a lot that first semester, and while I was getting through the classes, I wasn't doing great at them. Not as great as I know I could.
By second semester, I ended up transferring into online classes, where I basically gave up, and dropped all of them. After that, I applied to a tiny private College-Prep liberal arts school and that's where I'm at now. It's nice, they lean heavily into having everyone do focused college-like Humanities classes and Arts. The summer before I started attending, my father also passed away. I hadn't been living with him, my parents were divorced and he wasn't in a position to take me in, but that still sucked.
Now obviously, having an entire semester of Fs on my transcript is problematic. Another issue is the fact that the school I currently go to doesn't actually do GPAs. All our grades are basically written as narrative evaluations, and since very few schools do that, it's hard to find resources outside of the web of my own school. If a College were to request a GPA, our school would be able to provide one, but that's basically a matter of the Principal reading through my evaluations, and determining roughly what they would be roughly equivalent to if I was at the nearby public school.
All of my evaluations have been absolutely solid, I'm fairly certain I would have straight As. In addition, while attending I did take a virtual French II class over the summer, Japanese 101 and Biology 101 at nearby Colleges; I have an A in all of them. I'm sure if I requested a GPA for my regular classes, I would have mostly As. I have taken Calculus I [AB], but I'm awaiting my AP score. Calculus AB/BC are the only AP classes my school offers. For what it's worth, I got a 1350 on my PSAT 11.
My goal is to go into Math. I plan to take Calculus II/BC and Engineering next year, and also Linear Algebra in the fall off-campus [which I will likely be eligible for, just need my AP score]. When it comes to colleges, I really don't know what is reasonable for me to even shoot for.
I'm in a weird nebulous position where I was supposed to graduate next year, but failed so I'm behind a year, but also have enough credits to graduate next year anyways as a Junior, if I wanted to. I've thought about it, but I don't know if that's what I should do.
I have had conversations with my principal, and I think they recommend I take the extra year simply to offset the Fs from those online classes from before I transferred. My principal jokes that now is pretty much the only time in my life where it will be beneficial to be an orphan, and I think that's probably kinda true. I had to pick myself up and take initiative for a lot of the things I'm doing, and I have constantly excelled since moving schools. I have been living semi-independently, juggling between houses [I haven't lived with my legal guardians in ~2 years, but they're still present]
When my principal was in High School, he attended Telluride for the summer, and now has the opportunity to 'nominate' students for it, and he plans to do so for me in the Fall. I'm thinking of doing that, it sounds great.
This Spring I applied for PROMYS, and although I think I did well on the application, I unfortunately, got rejected. Of course, I knew that was a reach program so I didn't expect much, but now my summer's free! There's always next time.
I also thought about simply applying to a few absurd reach schools in my Junior year (Hail Mary), since technically I could be eligible, and if I end up getting rejected from them, then I would still be fine. I could just go ahead and do my Senior year, after having gained experience with the College admissions process.
I'm also somewhat aware of QuestBridge, and that could be a good option if I went that route this Fall; if I'm eligible for the match, apply for what looks good, and if I match, then free money! If not, then try again next year with a stronger background. From my understanding, finalists for that tend to be high-achieving students from low-income backgrounds. I'm certain I fall under that umbrella. Only one of my parents graduated High School and went to College, however, given that my mom's culinary degree probably hasn't impacted my life much in about 3 years, I've been told there may be room to argue I'm a "first gen" -- No idea if that's true.
All of this is to say, I don't really know what I should do. I hope I described my situation well enough for you to get a gist of my predicament, if anyone has advice, I would appreciate it. Although I feel like I'm in a very unique situation, I'm sure there's someone else who's been in a similarly-shaped boat on here.
In the meantime, I need some rest. I have to move out soon, I'll be taking French again online this summer, and I'll be starting two independent studies in Game Design and Novel Writing; I would like to get a job with my city's public library soon, because I've been an intern for my school's library this year and that seems like a nice transition. Probably try and take the SAT in August... also need to learn how to drive.... well, I have a busy summer.

“True happiness comes from the joy of deeds well done, the zest of creating things new.” Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Bio
Name: Taylor Bennett Armstrong	Date of Birth: 04/03/2024
Age: 15 years old	Gender: Demiboy (he/his, they/them)
Sexual Orientation: Pansexual	Nationality: Canadian
Ethnicity: Irish-Jewish	Languages: English, French, Japanese
Hometown: Toronto, Canada	Demigod Conundrums: ADHD

Family:

Name Relation Age Occupation Relationship ------------
Benjamin Armstrong Father 42 years old Artist Taylor shares a special bond with his father, Benjamin Armstrong. Despite being a single parent for much of Taylor's life, Benjamin always made sure to provide a loving and nurturing environment for his son. He recognized Taylor's unique talents from a young age and encouraged him to explore his creativity without limitations. Benjamin's own passion for art and innovation served as an inspiration for Taylor, shaping his worldview and igniting his love for invention. Benjamin supports Taylor's dreams and ambitions wholeheartedly, even if he doesn't always understand the mechanics behind his son's creations.
Eliza Armstrong Stepmother 43 years old Graphic Designer She brings a different perspective to Taylor's life. As a graphic designer, she values precision and order, which sometimes clashes with Taylor's more spontaneous and chaotic approach to creativity. However, despite their differences, Eliza cares deeply for Taylor and wants what's best for him. She worries about Taylor's safety and well-being, especially when his inventions go awry and cause unintended chaos. She often finds herself playing the role of the voice of reason, urging Taylor to think things through more carefully before diving headfirst into his next project. Despite their occasional disagreements, Eliza recognizes Taylor's potential and admires his boundless imagination and ingenuity.
Rachel Armstrong Half-sister 10 years old Student Rachel Armstrong, Taylor's half-sister, adores her older brother and looks up to him with wide-eyed admiration. From a young age, she was fascinated by Taylor's inventions and artistic talents, often trailing after him like a curious puppy, eager to learn and explore alongside him. Taylor sees Rachel as the most precious angel in the world and is very protective of her. He takes great joy in teaching her how to sketch, build, and code, fostering her own love for art and invention. Rachel, in turn, idolizes her big brother and cherishes their time together.

Appearance

Faceclaim: this Picrew Voiceclaim Walter from Spies in Disguise

Features	Description
Height	5’8 feet
Weight	157 lbs
Hair	Ginger
Eyes	Blue
Skin	Tan
Build	Lean, slim
Scent	Ink, paint, oil
Attire	Gamer Aesthetic

Overview: Ginger Hair: One of Taylor's most noticeable features is his vibrant ginger hair, which seems to have a life of its own. His locks cascade in untamed waves around his head, framing his face in a fiery halo. Despite occasional attempts to tame it, Taylor's hair always manages to retain its wild, rebellious spirit, reflecting his own untamed nature. Taylor's eyes are a mesmerizing shade of blue. They sparkle with curiosity and intelligence, constantly darting from one point of interest to the next. Across Taylor's nose and cheeks are scattered a constellation of freckles, like tiny stars dotting the canvas of his face. Despite his intelligence beyond his years, Taylor's face retains a youthful charm and innocence. His features are soft and rounded, with a hint of boyish mischief lurking behind his bright smile. There is a sense of wonder and curiosity in his expression, as if he is forever on the brink of discovering something new and exciting. Taylor's fashion sense is a reflection of his personality, blending comfort with a hint of geeky flair. He favors graphic t-shirts adorned with characters from his favorite video games, showcasing his love for gaming and pop culture. His hoodies are oversized and well-worn, providing both warmth and a sense of familiarity. Taylor's cargo pants are practical and utilitarian, offering plenty of pockets to store his tools and gadgets for tinkering. His sneakers are his constant companions, scuffed and worn from countless adventures and late-night gaming marathons.

Personality

“Creativity is a wild mind and a disciplined eye.” Dorothy Parker
Quality Traits Positive Optimistic, Creative, Kind-hearted, Spontaneous, Resilient Neutral Naive, Chaotic, Impulsive, Eccentric, Idealistic Negative Gullible, Overbearing, Impatient, Inattentive, Stubborn
Overview: Taylor radiates an infectious positivity that lights up any room he enters. He greets each day with boundless enthusiasm, seeing every challenge as an opportunity for adventure and growth. His optimism is unwavering, even in the face of adversity, and he has a knack for finding the silver lining in the darkest of situations. Taylor's sunny disposition makes him a joy to be around, and his genuine smile can brighten even the gloomiest of days. Taylor marches to the beat of his own drum, embracing his individuality with gusto. He has never been one to conform to societal norms or expectations, preferring to chart his own course through life. Taylor's free-spirited nature is reflected in everything he does, from his spontaneous inventions to his unconventional approach to problem-solving. He thrives on the freedom to express himself creatively, unbound by rules or conventions. Taylor's energy is boundless, and he approaches everything he does with an infectious sense of excitement and wonder. He is easily captivated by new ideas and experiences, often bouncing from one project to the next with the fervor of a child in a candy store. Taylor's excitable nature fuels his insatiable curiosity, driving him to constantly seek out new challenges and adventures. Despite his youthful exuberance, Taylor possesses a keen intellect far beyond his years. He is a natural problem-solver, able to think outside the box and come up with innovative solutions to even the most daunting of challenges. Taylor's mind is a whirlwind of ideas and possibilities, constantly buzzing with new inventions and artistic endeavors. His creativity knows no bounds, and he revels in the thrill of bringing his imagination to life. Taylor's intelligence and creativity have instilled in him a healthy dose of confidence, bordering on cockiness at times. He knows his worth and isn't afraid to show it, often speaking his mind with a brashness that can catch others off guard. However, Taylor's confidence is tempered by his humility and genuine humility. He is quick to acknowledge his mistakes and learn from them, never allowing his ego to overshadow his humanity. At the core of Taylor's personality is a deep well of kindness and empathy for others. He genuinely cares about the people around him and goes out of his way to help those in need. Taylor's compassion knows no bounds, and he often puts the needs of others before his own. He is quick to offer a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on, and his unwavering support has endeared him to many. Beneath Taylor's cheerful exterior lies a vulnerability that he often tries to conceal. He is sensitive to the opinions of others and fears being rejected or misunderstood. Taylor's insecurities stem from a desire to be accepted and valued for who he truly is, flaws and all. Despite his outward confidence, he struggles with feelings of loneliness and self-doubt, yearning for genuine connections and validation. Taylor's drive for excellence can sometimes border on perfectionism, leading him to be overly critical of himself and his work. He sets high standards for himself and is often disappointed when he falls short of his own expectations. However, Taylor's perfectionism is tempered by his resilience and determination to persevere in the face of failure. He sees each setback as an opportunity to learn and grow, refusing to let obstacles dampen his spirit. Taylor has a gift for communication, able to express his thoughts and feelings with clarity and sincerity. He is a natural storyteller, captivating audiences with his animated anecdotes and infectious enthusiasm. Taylor's ability to connect with others on a deep emotional level makes him a trusted confidant and valued friend. He listens intently to others, offering words of encouragement and wisdom when needed. Taylor approaches life with a sense of adventure, always eager to explore new horizons and push the boundaries of what is possible. He thrives on the thrill of discovery, relishing in the excitement of unknown possibilities. Taylor's insatiable curiosity drives him to seek out new experiences and embrace the unknown with open arms. Whether embarking on a daring quest or simply trying out a new recipe, he approaches each adventure with the same sense of wonder and excitement. Taylor has a playful sense of humor that often borders on mischievousness. He loves to joke and laugh, finding joy in the absurdities of life. Taylor's playful nature brings levity to even the most serious of situations, helping to ease tension and lift spirits. He delights in pulling harmless pranks and sharing witty banter with friends, always with a twinkle in his eye and a grin on his face. Taylor is incredibly adaptable, able to thrive in any environment or situation. He approaches change with a sense of curiosity and excitement, eager to embrace new challenges and opportunities. Taylor's ability to adapt to different circumstances has served him well throughout his life, allowing him to navigate the complexities of both the mortal world and the realm of the gods with ease.
Preferences
Favourite... Item Food Macaroni and cheese, mango milkshake Colour Electric Blue Season Summer Weather Sunny, warm, clear skies Music Pop, rock, orchestral, jazz, celtic Animals Bunnies and Cats Book/Movie Genre Fantasy, Sci-fi, Romance, Slice-of-life, Adventure, Action Media Avatar: The Last Airbender, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Chronicles of Narnia, Kingdom Hearts, Legend of Zelda, Genshin Impact, Honkai Impact 3rd, Honkai: Star Rail, Pokémon, a scary amount of anime, etc…
Hobbies:

• Drawing
• Painting
• Crafting
• Sewing
• Video Games
• Cosplay

Demigod Info

Powers

Name	Type	Description
Psychometry	Domain	The ability to glean information from a particular object relevant to the parent's domain, especially its material make-up and method of creation. (Crafts, Mechanics and Art)
Enhanced Skill Proficiency	Domain	A trait where one is naturally adept in the skills lorded over by their parent. (Crafts, Mechanics and Art)
Summon Tool	Domain	The ability to summon any small tool. (Once every 5 minutes or per turn.) (Duct Tape or Superglue)
Machine Communication	Minor	A trait where one is able to understand and communicate with automatons and machinery (includes code).
Electrical Resistance	Minor	A trait where one is able to resist electricity to a such degree that they are able to withstand badly interacting with small appliances.
Machine Manipulation (Technokinesis)	Minor	The ability to directly control mechanisms, machines and automatons.
Basic Enchantment	Major	The ability to imbue weapons, crafts, machinery and automatons with magical properties (modmail for specific enchantments). Options: Weapon Transformation—into a mundane item; Monster Hunting Proficiency for a) Fleshy Monsters—Sharpness, b) Armored Monsters—Bludgeoning, c) Ghosty Monsters—Absorption

Weapon of Choice: Bastard Sword
Fatal Flaw: Naivety Taylor's fatal flaw lies in his inherent naivety, stemming from his trusting and optimistic nature. Despite his intelligence and creativity, Taylor often lacks the worldly wisdom and discernment needed to navigate the complexities of the world around him. His naivety makes him vulnerable to manipulation and deception, as he struggles to see the darker intentions lurking behind the smiles of others.

Items and Equipment

Name	Age	Description
Sketchbook	7 years old	Taylor always carries a sketchbook with him, filled with doodles, sketches, and designs inspired by his vivid imagination.
Art Supplies	3 years old	As someone who enjoys art, Taylor keeps a collection of art supplies like pencils, markers, and colored pencils, allowing him to bring his creative visions to life wherever he goes.
Tool Kit	5 years old	As a budding inventor and tinkerer, Taylor carries a compact tool kit with him at all times. It contains essential tools like screwdrivers, pliers, wrenches, and a mini soldering iron, allowing him to repair gadgets, fix mechanical issues, and work on DIY projects on the fly.
Nintendo Switch	2 years old	Taylor never leaves home without Nintendo Switch. He keeps a selection of his favorite games in his backpack, ready to play whenever he has a spare moment to indulge in his love of gaming.
Music Player	3 years old	Music is a constant source of inspiration and motivation for Taylor, so he always carries a portable music player loaded with his favorite tunes.
Cat Headphones	1 year old	High-quality headphones that allow him to escape into his own world of music whenever he needs a break from the hustle and bustle of everyday life. They are cat-themed for no reason other than Taylor felt like it.

Trivia

• Zodiac Sign: Pisces
• MBTI: ESTP-T (The Entrepreneur)
• Enneagram: Type 7 (The Enthusiast)
• Love Languages: Words of Affirmation (receive); Acts of service (give)
• Quirk: Doodling on almost every surface he sees when bored.
• Fears: Hurting People, Big Animals

Backstory

“There is no innovation and creativity without failure.” ***Brené Brown*
Taylor Bennett Armstrong was born into a creatively vibrant family. His father, Benjamin Armstrong, was a dedicated artist who often spent hours in his studio, painting and sculpting. Benjamin's work was deeply inspired by classical art, and his studio was filled with references to mythological themes and ancient techniques. This environment planted the seeds of creativity in Taylor from a very young age.
Taylor’s biological mother was Techne, the goddess of art, craft, and invention, but he had no knowledge of her divine heritage. His mother left shortly after his birth, leaving Benjamin to raise Taylor on his own. Despite the absence of his mother, Taylor's early childhood was filled with love and encouragement from his father.
When Taylor was five, Benjamin met Eliza, a talented graphic designer, at an art exhibit. They quickly bonded over their shared love for art and soon married. Eliza embraced Taylor as her own, though she struggled to understand his unique, often chaotic way of thinking and creating.
Even as a young child, Taylor showed remarkable intelligence and creativity. By the age of six, he was building simple machines and drawing intricate designs. His father was both amazed and slightly concerned when Taylor began to take apart household appliances to understand how they worked. While Benjamin encouraged his son's curiosity, Eliza worried about the constant mess and occasional accidents that resulted from Taylor's experiments.
Taylor’s half-sister, Rachel, was born when he was five. She looked up to her big brother with admiration, often following him around and watching as he created his various inventions. Despite the occasional mishap, Taylor and Rachel shared a close bond, with Taylor frequently making small toys and gadgets to entertain her.
School was both a blessing and a curse for Taylor. His intelligence allowed him to excel academically, but his unique way of thinking and his constant tinkering often got him into trouble. Teachers labeled him a "problem child" due to his inability to sit still and follow conventional methods. Taylor's inventions occasionally caused disruptions, further cementing his reputation.
Socially, Taylor found it hard to connect with his peers. His enthusiasm and intelligence often intimidated other children, and he was frequently taken advantage of by classmates who used him to boost their own grades. These experiences left Taylor feeling lonely and self-conscious about his naivety, although he never let it dampen his cheerful spirit.
Taylor's life took a dramatic turn when he was 15 years old. One day, while working on a particularly ambitious project in his makeshift workshop, he was visited by Oleander, a satyr sent by Camp Half-Blood. Oleander had been observing Taylor for some time, noting his extraordinary abilities and his connection to the divine.
Oleander revealed to Taylor the truth about his mother, Techne, and his demigod heritage. At first, Taylor was skeptical, thinking it was some sort of elaborate joke or fantasy. However, Oleander's ability to demonstrate his satyr powers and his deep knowledge of Taylor's unexplained talents eventually convinced him.
Explaining the situation to his family was a challenge. Benjamin, who had always suspected that there was something special about Taylor, took the news in stride. Eliza, though worried and confused, ultimately supported the decision, understanding that Camp Half-Blood could provide Taylor with the guidance he needed. Rachel was both excited and scared for her brother, worried about the dangers he might face and she would miss him.
Thankfully, despite the huge distance he and Oleander had to travel from Toronto to Long Island went calmly, for the most part, with not many delays or monsters attacking them.
Well, at least until they reached New York. After that, the whole “calm journey” was out the window. It almost seemed like all the monsters decided to wait until they were close to their destination to suddenly appear one after the other. First they had to somehow avoid a cyclops. Then they were attacked by dracanaea. And finally, they were chased by harpies until they crossed the border of Camp Half-Blood.
By some miracle, they were still alive.
What a way to be introduced to demigod life.

Present Day

“Creativity is inventing, experimenting, growing, taking risks, breaking rules, making mistakes, and having fun” Mary Lou Cook
Taylor's arrival at Campbell Half-Blood was… something, alright.
You know, being chased by monsters from New York to Long Island, passing out in between attacks and then waking up in the Medic Cabin feeling like you've been hit by a truck and maimed by a cat at the same time was, in short, not fun. It also didn't help the fact that he had to stay in bed to get treated for what, hours. Which, for someone like Taylor, was absolute torture. Good for him then that demigods, apparently, had magic healing and he didn't have to stay for days instead. At least Oleander was around to explain every detail about the world he's been thrust into now that he was out of danger. And as a plus, he was also claimed, so yay! He had no clue who Techne was, but he was sure he would learn soon enough.
So, what does Taylor do after getting patched up? Does he wait and rest for a bit just to make sure everything is okay with him? Does he stop for a moment to process everything that has happened to him in the last 24 hours?
No! Of course not! This is Taylor, after all. Him staying put for more than 10 minutes would be a miracle already.
Instead, he just went off on his own to see what this Camp Half-Blood was all about. He just had to get to his cabin first, which would be relatively easy with Oleander's instructions, and then he could explore this place to his heart's content!
Hopefully, Camp Half-Blood would be ready for the chaotic force Taylor would prove to be.
[OOC: Hello, everyone! Say hello to my new character, Taylor! Feel free to interact with him literally anywhere at Camp, he's probably going to be there at some point anyway lmao. Thanks for reading;)]

This situation is far more complicated and has been years in the making. If you want a rundown, I’ve put a TLDR at the bottom. I truly just need a space for me to type out my story and possibly maybe hear similar stories if anyone can relate. This is an extremely long post, and there’s a chance I ramble, so just as a warning
I’ll give some background before I say my case: I (22F) have been suspicious of my dad (50M) for the better part of my life. I have diagnosed anxiety and for the most part, I’ve thought my ideas and skepticisms on the matter as just intrusive thoughts. My dad and I have l always had a weird relationship. It doesn’t change how much I love him though. Even as I sit here today, I can’t in good conscience say I hate my dad. I love my dad. Even in his bad moments and questionable behaviors, hes my dad and usually my biggest of supporters. I think because of his bipolar nature it makes this situation so hard.
My mom and dad have been married for 25 years. Like I said before, they have four kids, both come from strict Catholic families, and share the same group of friends. On the outside, everyone can tell my dad loves my mom. He worships the ground she walks on, splurges on expensive gifts for her and is pretty openly affectionate. My mom, however, has never been vocal on her affections, inside and out of the house. Honestly, I can see how this affects my dad. Over the years, they’ve gotten shorter with each other, dad lashes out a bit more (something I’d say to remember as you keep reading), and will disappear into the night after a harsh argument.
I’d say this is where I start to get weird feelings on him. We all have a joint Life360. All of us, including our parents, can see where we are at all times. I’m fine with this, given at the time of this starting I was 20 and in college and I understand why a parent would want their kids locations. When checking the app, I started to notice my dad’s location being off at weird intervals of the night. If you have Life360, you’d know that it will tell you someone’s location has been turned off. Naturally, I’d ask my dad and he’d laugh it off saying his app was screwed up and he wasn’t sure why it was doing that and then 20 minutes later his location would be back on. Whatever, fine. The locations would only turn off around 11 P.M. on random evenings, usually when he was in town. He’d still throw the excuse that it was because he was just flying and airplane mode screws up Life360 (which isn’t true btw).
Anyways, I guess the meat of this story starts December of 2022. Dad’s anger is at weird levels. He’s arguing with my mom more and turning off his location. Me, being stupid, accused him of acting weird a few days before Christmas. Naturally he gets defensive and starts to say things like I’d never cheat on your mom, how could you accuse me of things like that, my phone is just wired. I’d argue back that I never accused him of cheating, just that he’s weird. That didn’t help my case. This is where his true character started to show. Threats of I’d cut you off from college (they pay for my schooling, car and phone), yelling at me for not showing respect for him, how he’s done so much for the family. After this argument I’d see him deleting no name contacts off of his phone after a conversation. I brought this up to my mom, and she tells me it’s probably work so I drop it. If my mom’s not worried why should I be.
After Christmas, we fly north to visit family since we’re the only ones down south. During our trip, he’d take my grandparents car (with their permission, these are my moms parents) to run errands for the Christmas parties that will be happening over the next couple of days. Once again, every time he’d go out his location would turn off. The tipping point for me was when he said he was going to fill up my grandparents car with gas. They live 5 minutes from a gas station. We had a reservation in an hour with his dad that we cannot be late to. My dad knew this. He was gone for an hour. Location off. He’s not contacting anyone, including my mom, on where he is. When he gets back, 5 minutes after when we were supposed to leave, he tells us all that there was an accident at the gas station and they needed him for a witness support. I shoot him down asking why his location was off and why he didn’t tell anyone this in front of my siblings, mom, and grandparents. They all laugh like it’s a joke but once I look at him he’s fuming. He tells me to get in the car so we can get to dinner.
Once we all pile in for dinner he screams at me, once again repeating the things he said before Christmas and how dare I accuse him of anything in front of his in-laws. When we finally parked the car and started to walk into the restaurant, he screams at me in the parking lot. My cousins and grandfather are standing outside watching him berate me in public. I’m 20 years old and he’s treating me like I’m 5. He told me he was going to stop paying for school and my rent this upcoming school year to teach me a lesson. I have never seen my father like this before, and true to his word, I paid for the first two months of my Spring 2023 school year. After some convincing from my mom, my dad texts me in March to not worry about the rent. I think after this is where I truly realize what’s at stake and what more I could lose if I try something like this again, and I never once verbally said he was cheating to anyone. Besides I had no proof.
In between this period, my mom and I have a huge heart to heart. I confess to her that her relationship with my dad is not something I view healthy, and I’m fearful that my marriage one day will look like theirs. I tell her I think she’s treated unfairly behind closed doors and she needs to step up for herself. She agrees but once I bring up divorce, she laughs and says she’d never in a million years consider that. She’d never get a divorce, and she kept reinforcing that. My parents are super Catholic, so I’m not surprised by this statement, but I feel like this paragraph is important to note.
Jump forward it May 2023. I’m off for the summer, in a limbo between end of the school year and starting my internship, so I’m back home. One evening my parents and I are watching a show in the living room. How we are all positioned makes it that my dad is in front of us. During a commercial break while my mom is getting water, my dad takes out his phone and starts texting, however it’s not on iMessage. It’s on Grindr. The only reason I know it was Grindr is because I have a few gay friends at school and I’ve seen some of their messages before. Honest to god, I’m shocked and paralyzed in my seat. What I’ve been suspicious about for the past half of the year is true. Just not in the sense I thought he was. Excusing myself to my room I go to recollect myself and reach out to two of my closer friends about the situation.
Over the next few months when I visit home, I start to document any instance I see him on the app or turning off his location. I have multiple videos of him texting people on Grindr. I’ve started to hint to my mom that something isn’t right and made out loud comments how weird dads been. Since last May, I’ve told my younger sister (F19) about my dad and showed her some evidence. She refuses to acknowledge the behavior and does not want to do anything about it. We’ll joke about it sometimes behind closed doors but when I bring it up to her today about telling my mom or talking to my dad, she gets fearful and thinks it’s stupid to do.
Which leads us to today. I am a fresh graduate from college. I’ve moved back home and am looking for work. And I know I’m being extremely selfish to everyone in my family for withholding this information. After countless talks with my therapist, she thinks it’s wise to not tell my dad or mom what’s happening, at least currently. Since I have been actually cut off from my dad and my mom has expressed that she doesn’t want a divorce and can’t really be bothered to look into the situation more, my therapist and a few of my friends agree to wait until I’m financially independent and moved out of the house. I think about telling my parents everyday what I know. But then I think of me, and my three younger siblings (the youngest is 13) who are still living at home, and the fact my mom is financially dependent on my dad. And I think the worst part and it makes me feel awful for even typing this, but it feels a bit easier to cope with this because my dad is exclusively talking to men. He’s not cheating on my mom with other women. My sister and I over the holidays looked to see if he had any of the other dating apps and we found nothing.
Honestly, a lot of you all might have read all of this and may still think I should tell my parents asap. Or question why I’m still waiting. I think I’m scared. I think I don’t want things to change. I don’t want to be blamed at or remembered as the daughter who ruined the **** family. I know it’s my dads fault and it’s not on me, but I’m scared I’ll truly lose my dad if I bring this to light. I’m scared my moms life will be flipped upside down forever. I’m scared my younger siblings will resent me for ruining our family and their cushy life will be lost.
I just needed somewhere to write this all down. I needed to get this off of my chest while I sit in my childhood bedroom. I’ve never felt more trapped and guilty in my life. It’s easier to forget that this is happening while I was at school, but now that I’m home, it’s harder to ignore. If anyone has any similar stories I’d love to hear them. There’s a lot more I’m leaving out so if there are questions I’ll try and answer them.
TLDR: was suspicious of my dad for cheating back in 2022 based on some behaviors and was cut off for two months when I asked what was up. Now I know he’s gay and is cheating on my mom and has been for maybe years. Mom doesn’t seem to worry/care about his behavior and Dad is still creeping around. Now that I’m back home the guilt of not saying a word to either of them is building up but I’m scared I’ll lose my family.

Hi all! I am currently a junior in high school and I attend a public school in Michigan ranked about 30th-ish in high school rankings in Michigan. This fall, I begin my college application process and I am so eager and excited, yet worried and stressed that I wont get in and my life will be over.
I wanted to share my high school stats and extra curriculars etc. with you all with the hopes that you guys could tell me what you think my chances of getting into the colleges that I am looking at are and to just lay out my current status.
(DISCLAIMER) My stats/description may come off as cocky or ignorant at some points, please don't take it the wrong way.
Background:
-White Male
-Low-Mid Middle Class Family
-Dad attended Michigan State University - he is a high school teacher
-Mom did not go to college -she works as basically a college counselor
-I will need financial aid for college, parents are not contributing
My highest ambitions in life/out of college:

• I hope to one day have a job in a high finance position in New York City or Chicago (Investment Banking, PE, Consulting, Quants etc) - therefore I am applying to top prestigious target schools for recruitment, internships, and networking opportunities
• I hope to one day be one of the greatest musicians of all time

Stats:
Grades, EC's, Leadership, Sports, Work, Businesses, Volunteer, Music, etc.

1. 4.0 GPA
2. 1390 SAT Score-the one thing that will hold me back? 😭 - I am going to take in probably 6 times. 1390 was my first try, 690 Reading and Writing, 700 Math
3. AP Classes: (I wish I would've done more)

Sophomore Year: AP US History (4)
Junior Year: AP World History, Most likely will get a 5; AP Precalculus, Most likely will get a 5 too.
Senior Year: AP Calculus BC, AP Statistics, AP Macroeconomics, AP Microeconomics

1. Musical Prodigy - Piano at least

Instruments: Piano, Guitar, Drums
Piano:

• 12 Years
• Completely Self Taught
• Rock n Roll, Boogie Woogie, Blues, Jazz, Country Western, and Gospel Pianist (not your average 17 year old piano player lol)
• Play By Ear (Play me a song on the radio, I'll play it back for you)

Guitar (Electric):

• 7 Years
• Completely Self Taught
• Same Music Styles as above
• Play By Ear
• My Room's walls are filled with guitar diagrams and sheets, it looks like I am going crazy lol-may use this in my college essays, idk haha.

Drums:

• 1 Year
• Completely Self Taught
• Same Music Styles as above
• Play by Ear

Five: Sports
Tennis:
-Freshman, Sophomore, Junior year Varsity Team
-2023 (Fall) Division 3 MHSAA #1 Doubles Individual State Champion
-#1 Ranked Doubles Player in the State of Michigan
-2023 First Team All State
-Never Lost a Conference Match/3-Time Team and Individual Back to Back to Back Conference Individual and Team Titles (2021, 2022, 2023)
-2 Time Individual Regional Champion, 2 Time Individual Regional Team Champions (2021, 2022)
-Apart of the 2021, 2022, 2023 all academic teams
-Finished 6th Place as a team in 2022, Finished 5th Place as a team in 2023
-I will play my senior year
Golf:
-Freshman, Sophomore: JV Golf Team
-Junior: Varsity Golf Team, Ranked 4th as a team in the state
-I will play my senior year (on the varsity team)
-Most Likely will win the Conference Championship and Regional Championship in the next two weeks 😬
Basketball:
-Freshman Year: Freshman Team
-Sophomore Year: JV Team
-Did not play junior year, and will not play senior year
Pickleball Club Member at my Highschool

1. Work/Businesses:

-Created a Piano Teaching Business the summer of 7th grade, have done that since. (Self Employed)
-Joined a friend on the summer before junior year to co-own a car detailing company (may rejoin, not sure) (Self Employed)
-Worked as an Usher at a movie theater, winter of junior year (Hourly Pay) - will return for winter of my senior year
-Will work as a tennis camp/lesson instructor with my tennis coach at a training facility this summer (Hourly Pay)

1. Volunteering

-A member of the National Honor Society
-Volunteered at Kids Food Basket, local libraries, tennis camp volunteering, and various school sponsored events

1. Leadership (Lacking-ish?)

-Business Owner with piano teaching in that I personally teach kids piano
-Varsity Tennis Captain
-Tennis Lesson Teaching this summer

1. Demonstrated Interest, to an extent lol

-Job Shadowing a CFO this summer at a company
-Visiting each college this summer as well
-Currently learning how to trade financial markets (Duration=1 year)
-Spend hours each day learning music and finance/math stuff
-Performed Piano (boogie woogie/rock n roll improvisations at high school talents shows, played piano in a wedding when I was 11, played piano at churches for graduation baccalaureates.

1. Essay Topics:

Few things I am considering including or basing my college essays off of:
-My determination and dedication to math, finance, music, and life in general
-Metaphorical topics about navigating the struggles of the social and academic aspects of high school
-My obsession with music from the 50s-90s
-My obsessions with gaining knowledge and learning as much as possible and why or how things happen or work.
-My obsessions with improving each day and getting stuff done
-How I am a winner in life and that I excel in the things I pursue and that I do everything I can to improve and win
*I am in the way early stage of brainstorming btw*

1. Letters of Recommendation:

-My Precalculus teacher: He told me he is going to write my letter of rec and I hadn't even asked him yet lol so I assume it's going to be a good one
-My AP World History teacher: Another teacher that loves me just as my math teacher does
-My High School Counselor: Also loves me and has connections to my family, so we are closer than other highschool students are with her.

1. COLLEGES I AM APPLYING TO:

*Main majointerest is Finance; want to do music as well so that it can stay apart of my life
*Want to do a double major: Finance, and Music (Maybe Minor or Triple Major with mathematics)
*Schools that don't offer a undergraduate business school I will most likely do some sort of combination of economics, mathematics, and music
Schools 😬:
Safety: Michigan State University (Broad School of Business) (Honors)
Reaches (All IB target schools are reaches 😭, except maybe Indiana):
-University of Michigan (Ross)
-Pennsylvania University (Wharton)
-New York University (Stern)
-Indiana University (Kelley)
-Columbia University - no undergraduate business school
-Northwestern University - no undergraduate business school
-Duke University - no undergraduate business school
-University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill (Kenan-Flagler)
-Vanderbilt University - no undergraduate business school
-University of Tennessee (Haslem)
-Penn State University (Smeal)
-Cornell University (SC Johnson)
Schools I might just apply to at the last minute for the heck of it:
-Princeton
-Miami (Florida)
-Illinois University
-Virginia University
THIS POST IS LONG AND I AM SORRY.
Please give me feedback on whether I'd have a strong chance or not of getting into these top schools. It would mean the world to me as I don't know where else I can go to get someone to help rate my stats and tell me if I am out of my mind or not about applying to these schools, or my goals in life in general.
Thank you for letting me rant, and please be honest

• Previous posts.

It seems like you guys like gods, so maybe you'll like this too! I tried to do something original and alien here...though maybe I failed idk.
In general, Kyanah are a massively polytheistic society, though their religious practices can't be divided into discrete religions with labels. Different gods have different geographical ranges where they are popular and while religious packs generally pick one or a few deities to worship based on their interests and disposition, they generally don't deny the existence of any gods they aren't actively worshiping--a list that may change over the years, depending on what the members of a pack agree works best for them. There is no definitive list of all recognized deities, especially as legendary historical figures and characters from popular media are often venerated in much the same way, blurring the lines considerably. There are gods that have had a consistent following for thousands of years, and short-lived meme gods that emerge from some popular trend, internet joke, or other bit of popular culture, are unironically worshiped by millions for a few years, and are then forgotten just as quickly--or, rarely, become mainstream.
For instance in Ikun, the three most popular deities are the god Iok, seen as a shrewd negotiator and diplomat, often mediating between other gods; the god Akirut, seen as a tinkerer, a creator of things, and an aggressive optimizer; and the goddess Tyorun, seen as a brave and relentless fighter who struggles against the odds to keep what she likes in the universe (this will make sense later). They all have dozens of temples in Ikun, and there are at least 80 gods who have 1 or more temples. The obscure Western Sector water goddess Kya briefly shot into the top three in Ikun around Y940 as a result of being a character in the popular TV show The New Gods of Ikun, gaining millions of worshipers in a few years, but losing most of them in a few more--it's no coincidence that in Road to Hope there are like three girls named Kya who hatched around that time! Much like Earth deities, there is no hard evidence that these gods exist, but it's also very tricky, if not impossible, to prove that they don't (and brings to bear questions about what it means for something to "exist" in the first place).
However, Kyanah don't necessarily see their gods as giant immortal Kyanah sitting in the sky working miracles. Popular media may depict them that way sometimes because it makes for better storytelling and characterization, but actual theological texts do not anthropomorphize them in such a manner. Essentially, the gods are seen as the natural result of an iteratively self-optimizing universe, intelligent processes that seek to refine and perfect the universe. Kyanahs' conception of the actual nature of these gods, whether they form packs with each other, are packs themselves, or are simply atomic beings, also varies greatly depending on culture, region, and each pack's own beliefs. But in general, as scientific discoveries have made it more and more clear that the universe is bigger than just them and their world and that Kyanah aren't special, belief systems favoring less anthropomorphized and relatable gods have become dominant, especially in the southern hemisphere.
The formation and existence of gods in Kyanah religious thought is intimately linked to the worship and belief in said gods. Theogenesis occurs when Kyanah start to believe in some god, the act of associating some set of divine processes and forces with a name, creating the god with that name. It's not so much that they believe this literally creates a god from nothing, so much as they are grouping together pre-existing divine processes under a name to better understand, categorize, and reason with it. The prevalence of belief in some god, and the power of said god, are correlated, or even one and the same, in many societies, as the power of a god is directly related to the extent that they influence the universe, which obviously includes the Kyanah themselves. Similarly, forgotten gods, no longer worshiped, are essentially dead gods, whose names have lost their meaning and thus their power. In a way, the Kyanahs' conception of gods can be seen almost as divine memes so powerful that they are sentient and influence the universe, with "memes" obviously referring to the broader sociological meaning, not funny pictures on the internet. Indeed, the lines between gods, socio-cultural memes, and sufficiently influential fictional characters often blur together in Kyanah culture, though notably, treating any living Kyanah as divine is usually but not always considered blasphemous, and packs who claim to be divine or have a divine member will offend most cultures and almost certainly be regarded as a fraud. Many religious scholars have devoted their lives to trying to make "divine atlases" that map not only the geographical, but also the ontological ranges of the countless gods, trying to pin down exactly what each name refers to.
The purpose of the gods--to iteratively refine and optimize the universe--ties in with the Kyanah concept of afterlife: not a place or alternate dimension that you go to after death, but the idea that you can be part of the next iteration of the universe. Entities that make the universe a better place--which for living Kyanah and their packs, naturally includes living morally (whatever that means to the culture in question) and fulfilling their role in life well--will be kept around by the gods in the next iteration, while entities that make it worse will be removed. In this way, Kyanah religious beliefs promote moral behavior (again, whatever that means to the specific culture in question) via the positive reinforcement of being with their packs again in a more optimized universe if they are good, and the negative reinforcement of never again being with their packs if they are not.
Thus the concept of anything resembling Hell is largely unknown in most cultures, and the closest thing to Heaven is the so-called Final Iteration, an idea that is widespread in some cultures, that the gods will eventually finish their cosmic optimization problem and create the perfect universe; believers in the Final Iteration are also split in whether it will be devoid of suffering and imperfections, or whether it is impossible to reduce such things beyond a certain amount, and the gods will eventually hit that limit. However, other societies reject the idea of a Final Iteration and believe that while the gods may gradually improve the universe and get asymptotically closer to the best possible one, they will never actually reach it. Some cultures believe there was a First Iteration and gods were there from the beginning, and there may or may not be a Final Iteration; others believe that there was no First Iteration and at some point gods arose by chance from random noise and began to optimize the universe in a guided manner, and may or may not reach a Final Iteration; others still believe that the gods have spent an infinite number of iterations trying to optimize the universe, and will never finish. Some believe that even the gods don't know if they will ever finish their task. There are also differing views on whether the gods are, collectively, perfect optimizers that will always improve the universe by some nonzero amount in each iteration, or imperfect optimizers that, while in the long run converging towards an ideal universe, may make some flawed decisions on the way, leading to some iterations being worse than their immediate predecessors. Some theologians and cultures reject the idea of Iterations entirely, instead adhering to a linear cosmology where the universe tends to get more complex and orderly over time, and the existence of gods--beings of extremely high, if not unlimited, complexity and orderliness--is an emergent phenomenon resulting from this, the resulting gods will more efficiently guide the increasing optimization of the universe. However, this view has been declining over time, especially in the past century or two, when Kyanah science has revealed the ultimate fate and heat death of the universe--or at least the current Iteration. Nevertheless, there are still millions of adherents who have found ways to justify this with their belief in a universe that increases in complexity and order.
These views have naturally made Creation myths a relative rarity on the Kyanah homeworld. It seems that primitive societies often believed that their world was eternal and infinite, with no beginning and no end in either space or time. Looking at the world it's easy to see why: it's significantly larger than Earth (and thus has more distant horizons), with vast biomes, no oceans or forests to break things up, few mountains (unless you're near an impact range), and seemingly endless seas of scrubland, desert, or plains stretching into eternity, hence primitive Kyanah often assumed that there was simply no beginning and no end to the world, and it's not too big of a leap from there to the idea that the world never began and will never end--in this cosmology, apparently the sun wasn't a unique object; suns rose out of the ground in the morning in different parts of the world, then burned out, fell, and sank into the ground at night. However, as Kyanah increasingly understood the universe and their place in it, more and more of the patterns underlying reality became clear--that they were not on an infinite flat plain with suns rising out of the ground every day, but on a spinning ball moving around one large sun, and there were many, many spinning balls out there spinning around their own suns--and a cyclical cosmology began to prevail over a linear one--though that is even less conducive to Creation myths.

I am a father to a 22-year-old daughter; we lost her mom to a DUI in 2018. Her mom was very career oriented and always pushed her to go to college and have a high-paying job, she also bought all of her clothes and made sure she looked presentable. After her mom died, her grades began plummeting out of control to where she risked not passing most of her classes. I had tried filling that role to give her that push, but it only made her more distant and stubborn.

She grew very resentful and depressed to where I feared I'd lose her too. It was a very emotionally turbulent period, but she eventually opened up and revealed that she felt lost because she spent her whole life following her mom’s expectations, and now that she was gone didn’t feel like she had any direction or identity of her own to go forward.

After that my main priority shifted towards helping her discover herself and find autonomy, and part of that included going to the mall and giving her the freedom to choose whatever she wanted to wear. She gravitated towards more outlandish styles than anything her mom had ever chosen for her: fishnet, leather, plaid skirts, belts, etc. and started experimenting with vibrant hair color and styling it into mohawk. I figured it was a phase, but she really found herself in this identity and now of days makes a lot of her own designs and gets excited to send me pictures of herself when she makes a new fashion that she wants to share with me.

This change put her in a much better place emotionally, but her grades never returned to what they once were. She got rejected by the colleges she had applied for and that's around when the pandemic hit, so she opted out of pursuing college. I said she could stay with me for as long as she needs, and she's still here to this day.

The conflict: her maternal grandmother called me the other day. I guess someone had posted a photo at a protest on social media that my daughter could be seen in, and that set her off on me. She claimed that I betrayed the memory of her daughter and that her grandkid should have been graduating college this year and moving out on her own with a good man. That because she now looks like a delinquent, she’s ruined any chance of having a stable life, a respectable job, or a good husband. That she's been set up for failure, doesn't surround herself with people who will push her to grow, and will be stuck living with me. That I should have taken charge instead of letting her make these decisions for herself when she was so young, vulnerable, and confused.
Her words have been eating away at me and left me questioning if there’s merit. I do have doubts and worry about her being well off and having enough security for the future, and she has missed opportunities because of how she presents herself, but I am still proud of who she has become. AITA for encouraging and enabling her punk outlook rather than working to set her on the more lucrative path her mother had always dreamed for her?

IT Administrator - 7 years experience
I have been searching for about 4 months. Currently employed at a company with about 400 employees going on 4 years now. Myself and 1 other person run the IT infrastructure. It is not a technical company at all, so long term career growth is becoming a concern and I am starting to feel stuck in place. Most of the day is the same processes and I am not learning anything new.
The company has also voiced that they aren't able to pay me what I am going to be asking for in the future due to the IT budget being on the low side. However I still get yearly raises and received a promotion, the schedule is good and pay decent. Bottom line is I believe I should be making more especially in this inflationary economy.
Been filling out apps on Linked-In, Indeed and Zip recruiter that I am qualified for pretty much daily last 4 months. All rejections and only 1 interview that did not work out due to me having to relocate far away. So its been brutal. IT job market seems like a struggle. Any advice from here ?

Hurricane Georg.
Our first contact with the new world was a colossal hurricane. Veins of lightning shattered through the black, swirling clouds. I had just tried to calm the nerves of the ship when I saw Suri sitting in the hall beneath the control room.
She was in a lounge corner with her suitcase opened and her supplies scattered across the small table. The little light from the window illuminated her drawing for me to see over her shoulder.
The black and white sketch began at the bow of the ship. The figure of a man in facing the open ocean. Ahead of him, the familiar despair of Hurricane Georg. The man had his back towards the artist, but his stature sailed through the fierce storm without worry. His gaze only in the beautiful sight of home on the other side.
Her pencil began to etch the details of his crewmans jacket, "You have a gift, Suri. Truly, you do."
She was ahead of me, she did not jump or gasp as I had expected, "Thank you, Capi. I saw you in the reflection. Im hard to get the jump on."
"Then this shouldnt surprise you," I smiled and approached her table. "My capi stars are on the right side, "I stepped back and tapped my shoulder."
Disappointment inked her face, darkening her mood, "Dam."
I laughed and pulled up a chair. She had captured the view from the window perfectly and I made a point to tell her. As we talked the storm outside began to fade. The world around us was healed and the worries of yesterday had never existed.
Her eyes were near black, in color, and her skin was incredibly warm. Physical characteristic were useless to determine where a person was from, but 500 years ago, she would have fit at home with the people of the Middle East. Had I been a different man, her beauty and brain would make a perfect partner.
The longer I stared, the darker the world around us became. Until she broke my gaze and looked shocked at something through the window.
"Did you see that?"
"No, what was it?"
"I-Im not sure..." her face drained of color as the harsh rocking of the storm was interrupted by something else. Suri and I were flung off our chairs onto the floor, her supplies pelting us as they flew through the air. I tried to stand, but my legs were too soft to make it easy.
I struggled to a kneel using the bolted-down desk. Suri gasped and I looked down. The longer I looked, the itchier it became. Once more the world grew darker and I only had enough energy for a simple joke.
"Mr. Morgs was right about those things."
"Gud morning, Capi!" Ennay cheered from the wall-mounted screen.
I struggled to sit myself up. I was in the infirmary, only Ennay was there to greet me. My jacket was gone. All I had on was a white t-shirt and grey shorts.
"Officer Angelhart had your attire taken to be cleaned," Ennay chimed in, "Today is Wednesday, sir, 4:13am. Its the morning after you lost consciousness."
I thanked him and asked him to catch me up on the happenings in the passed half day.
"The reality is unclear, Capi, but Helmsman Archer believes we were attacked by a... a sea monster, sir."
"Archer? Hes no storyteller. Why?" I swung my legs over the bed, "get him down here or tell him im on my way."
Ennay surprised me with his fast response, "No. Sir, We had a breach. Ms. Aziz told the Doctor you had severed and artery during a spell of turbulence. The New Horizon had actually made contact with something what breached the hull. Damage Control responded in 4 minutes and were quick to contain flooding. However, we sustained a second breach."
Before he could continue, I dropped back onto the bed, "Whats the status?"
"On the New Horizon? Operational. A few sections had to be permanently sealed until we are out of this storm."
"And Damage Control?"
Ennay did not respond as quickly as he had been. It felt like an eternity before he told me, "6 casualties," the room fell completely silent. I couldnt even hear my heart beating, "5 fatalities. Sergant Franccigo Blanco is recovering in Infirmary 4C. He is unconscious, but has sustained gruesome wounds. Officer Angelhart declared a S.O.E. to assume your position. Otherwise,..."
"Yes, yes, the prosthetics. I hate that system."
"Well, sir, you are able to disable it."
"What?"
"Its not a very common scenario, but since we are not in International Sea, the law requiring your presence does not necessarily need to be enforced."
I sat back and thought for a second, "Ill discuss it with Dr. Mally. Where are they all?"
"Dr. Mally is in Infirmary 4C with Sergant Blanco. Officer Angelhart is your office filling out an incident report for both your accident and the breaches."
"Thank you, Ennay. Tell Max I am on my way and then let Dr. Mally know I will meet her shortly."
"Of course, sir."
My office was silent except for the fan gently spinning from the ceiling. Across from me was a young man, mid-twenties, with dusty blond hair. His uniform was perfect, he has even removed his hat on the perfect beat upon entering the room.
The appearance and demeanor any ship captain would be beyond proud to accept on his ship. It had just been dumb luck that he had lost both of his eyes to shrapnel sealing off the lower corridors during the state of emergency yesterday.
I poured Mr. Blanco a drink, 2444 Geoff Russel - The Hearty Mans Drink. I needed to finish the incident report, but Id never ask a man to relive what he had without a bit of buzz to his bite.
"So, Sargent Blanco, I-"
"You can call me, Fran, Capi."
"And you can call me Santago, for tonight anyway," I continued my questions. I tried my best to stay shallow and not dive deep into the pain Fran had endures just hours ago.
We talked about the 5 fatalities.
"Did you... see... them die?"
The gauze replacing his eyes stared at me, blankly. His face was uncanny, unhuman. Like the man inside may actually have been a 6th dead body.
"No," he quickly took a drink, "I did hear them, though. They yelled and screamed for me to open the door. I- I couldnt see. I thought the sea water had poisoned me somehow. I kept rubbing and rubbing my eyes hoping to get whatever radioactive stuff out of my head..." He took a breath. He was remarkably calm. Agitated, of course. But calm.
He continued, "I looked through the window on the bulkhead and the last thing I saw was Aleks staring back at me. His eyes were... he was calling out for me, I am sure of it. But something got him and he was sucked out."
"I am so sorry, Fran," I tried to write as quietly as possible to not remind him of the formality, "Do you know what got him?"
He finished his glass. As he set it down, he missed the table. The cup did not shatter, but it had jolted Fran from his memory. He lost his composure.
He started yelling at me about a horrific beast he had seen. How Aleks, Private Aleksander Igorsen, had been encased in blood and black sludge. He swung his hands wildly at the table in a rage, but had only managed to knock over a lamp.
Pity does not begin to describe what I felt watching him. Like a bleeding animal continuing to run from the wolves despite not knowing he was already surrounded. In him, I saw death. I saw anger. I saw fear. I saw what he was feeling imaging the creature that killed his men.
I grappled with him, trying to make my location known and always talking to him. I was not some monster from the unknown blackness set on hunting him and he needed to know that. He continued to struggle until I had completely engulfed his whirlwind into a hug. The screams turned to cries and then to whimpers.
After some time, I dismissed him back to his room and instructed Ennay that he was on suicide watch. Sergant Franccigo Blanco had earned a promotion or a permanent dismissal, whichever he wanted, but I needed him to take time to himself before I reminded him where we are.
The storm was intense, but at least it was consistent. By Katzs reckoning, we are approaching the halfway point of this hurricane. We had entered it 51 hours ago and Katz had said we are another 50 away from clear skies.
Unfortunately for all of us, Katzs theory was not seen through.
It began with our solar panelling being severed from their operating power banks. That was not a major issue, hydropower was our primary source. The issue arose when the New Horizon began to spin.
I had radioed the Helmsman demanding why we are weighing anchor, but the anchor was still resting above water. He said no one dropped the anchor. Something else entirely had us. We rushed to every window, every pane of glass to search for whatever it was that was stopping us.
Ennay spoke out, "Capi, Major Gorlammi has spotted our snag at 129 degrees. Nearest viewpoint is Residential Room L3D, assigned to L-"
I ignored the rest, I needed to see what was in that window. Luckily for me, Lucy Partridge was not home. I burst through the door and, for the first time, I saw a behemoth of a serpent-like creature sticking out of the water. I could not see a head, nor tail. I also had no idea if what I saw was the body or an appendage connected to some inconceivably large beast.
After enough time, I manage to figure out one of the ships heavy guns had pierced the creature and was holding us together. Our best bet was to either rotate the gun and hope its dislodged or to remove the gun entirely.
I relayed this information to Ennay to alerted the Gunner Teams and Damage Control. Yet, none of them would be given the chance. In the distance, silhouetted by sparks of lightning the size of the ship, I saw the head of the creature. It must have been miles away, but the size was unparalleled. Its head leaped from the water and swiveled back towards us. It was like a colossal eel. Flashes of light showed through its skin like veins until it sent a surge into the gun and into the ship.
The lights went out across the boat. The only light was the occasional flash from outside. It was completely dark, but I knew it was still coming for us.
I ran out of the quarters as emergency lights slowly burned. The hallway must have been 100 feet long before Id reach the staircase, but when I was halfway through, my feet left the ground.
I felt weightless for a moment. The lights burned out and all around me was darkness. My heart was incredibly slow or maybe time had slowed. I felt the doorframe to Mrs. Partridges room snap against my elbow. There was no pain. I didnt even feel pain when glass cut across my back as I was hurled through the shattered window.
I crashed into the water, it must have been hundreds of feet below me. I was in shock. I looked around and all I saw was darkness. Then, suddenly, all I saw was light. The eel sent a pulse through its body and for the first time I saw the monster entirely. It surrounded the ship above water, coiled all about the waves, and entangled the entire ocean as deep as I could see.
This is not a colossal eel surviving a hurricane.
This colossal eel is the very being causing the hurricane.
A cosmic terror named Hurricane Georg.

Sionia
Chapter 14
Map First Previous
“Lord Wyatt, you are needed” Called Lars that shook me out of my fascinating reading about dragon neuts.
“Yes.” I said as I pulled back the curtain.
“The city guard requests to speak with you. They are restricting entrance to Avalon given the latest attack by Mardor at Black Gate of Rowan.” Lars explained with a salute and chest bump
With a sigh, I handed my book to Gus and exited the carriage and was very impressed with the massive three story gatehouse and huge stone block readouts connected on each side. I was met by a forty something looking man of average build with black hair and dark eyes flanked by six fully fitted out soldiers.
“I am Rhys Redith captain of the guard here in Avalon. You must be Count Ryan Wyatt.” Rhys introduced himself with the question.
“Yes, I am Ryan Wyatt.” I responded with a frown and knotted brow.
“We have been expecting your arrival. The king has ordered us to assist you and provide hospitality. I am to escort you to the fortress and the rest of your party to Duggan's inn.” Said Rhys with a salute and formal bow.
“That will not do! I have several wards under my care which several are nobility.” I objected to the plan given.
“I was not aware. I will of course take you to the fortress where Lady Ludmilla will address your concerns.” Replied Rhys with a salute and bow then motioned for me to follow.
“Follow him, Jace .” I said to my new driver and climbed into the carriage.
The bridge over the north side of the Paradise River to the island of Avalon was very long at around a quarter mile or so. The readouts of the gatehouse extended a good ways into the river which had several firing positions. I suspected that the river rose and fell with a possible rainy and dry season which was why the readouts could prevent an army from getting behind the gatehouse or access to the bridge from land. The island side gatehouse was flush with the city walls and protruded into the river was equally as impressive with a descent sized recessed portico and draw bridge porch extension.
Thinking back to my travels through Europe, I decided Avalon looked like the city of East Looe, Cornwall in England but not as topographically elevated and with more renaissance style architecture than back on earth. The Roman style arched bridge was very much what we just rode across. The fortress of Avalon itself was at the highest point which was off to the left on the far east side of the island and most up stream point on the islands.
The Fortress keep was decent but still half the size of Duke Boasag's Buanna. I realized that the reason for putting my servants at an inn was because of the lack of space. However, I was determined to stay with my wards no matter the violation of etiquette it might cause. As my carriage pulled up to the entrance with the fortress that had both iron gates and metal reinforced wooden doors that were a good six feet wide and twelve feet tall each. These doors were set into no less than a three foot thick wall.
Passing through the gate was a small bricked paved courtyard that was about forty to fifty feet wide in a more or less oval shape. I saw a host of servants and two well dressed ladies waiting at the main doors to the fortress's central keep.
“Lord Wyatt, welcome to Avalon. I am Viscountess Ludmilla Skafhoggr and this is my mother Baroness Grogda Wode.” Stated a quiet plump pretty faced brown haired woman in a gaudy yellow with purple accented dress with unicorns all over it and a matching unicorn hat whose horn protruded a good foot from her forehead.
“Yes, it is a very deep pleasure to meet you as well.” Stated Lady Grogda a good looking woman who seemed to be in her mid to late thirties with black hair and unusual olive colored eyes. Her lite brown dress was quiet plain compared to her daughter's which was kind of comical in their contrast.
“The pleasure is mine for sure in meeting you ladies.” I said pouring it on a bit thick with a formal bow and sweep of my arm.
“I do not understand. Why are all your people with you?” Lady Ludmilla asked looking toward Captain Rhys but speaking to me.
“I have many wards under my protection. Thus, it is impossible to leave them alone without my presence as there are many who would try and take advantage of helpless young girls.” I stated but that failed miserably when Freya and the other three Asgardians approached fully armed with their swords.
“I would hardly call them helpless!” Spat Lady Grogda with a bit of contempt as the Asgardians were better looking than her.
“Despite appearances, they need my protection. After all, I am their guardian as I freed them from captivity.” I responded with a bit of admonishment in my voice.
“Yes, we have heard the tale. You are quiet the knight in shinning armor.” Lady Ludmilla said with obvious sarcasm.
“It is what it is. The wards will be with me wherever I am. If that is at an inn or camping on the side of the road, so bit it.” I stated with irritation.
“Do not be silly. We can host your wards and personal attendant. However, we must insist that the rest stay in the inn over there.” Lady Ludmilla said pointing to a three story building that was about fifty yards away.
“That is closer than expected. However, I accept. My people can stay at the inn while you host me and my wards.” I stated with another formal bow.
“Good, now come and we will see to your comfort.” Lady Ludmilla said with a bit of a laugh with Lady Grogda giving a small laugh and a wicked grin.
I immediately turned to Lars, Razor and Meowth and ordered that they maintain a watch on the carts and carriage around the clock as I did not want any lapse where someone would try to take advantage. I called to the wolf kin brothers to continue to protect the girls inside the fortress. Pointing to Lars, I told him to take our prisoner Andros to the adventure's guild office and turn him over and letting them know he was caught trying to steal from me. Tell them I will see them on morrow to see if Andros was telling the truth or just lying. Turning with a smile and motioned to Freya and the girls to follow me with Gus right behind me.
The inside of the fortress was decently furnished though it had more of the appearance of a military outpost than a holding of wealth as it looked quiet spartan. I was led to an upper chamber where Lady Grogda had already ordered a bath filled by the time we had arrived.
“I will see to you personally” Lady Grogda stated with that same wicked grin again.
I suddenly felt as though I was a piece of meat put on display before a hungry wolf. I steeled myself to not recoil as I just felt off with this lady.
“See to your master's baggage.” Lady Grogda ordered Gus who was surprised by the command.
Gus gave me a slight shaking of his head and left the chamber. Lady Grogda then proceeded to strip me with efficiency. Once I was naked, she suddenly took her time looking at my nakedness. She even traced my scars on my back with a click of her tongue. Walking over to the tub, I climbed in and sat down.
“Spoil sport” Said Lady Grogda as she grabbed a wash cloth.
“Do not get my wounds wet.” I said warning Lady Groda of what the doctor had told me.
“Why? Your wound is almost well healed. The stitches can be pulled out except here” Stated Grogda and tapped me on my left shoulder blade.
“I have been using a special salve from the high elves. I did not realize it was healing that fast. However, I was warned that getting my wound wet would effect my healing.” I repeated what Doctor Zalzwarth told me.
“Very well.” Groda conceded.
Lady Grogda began washing me where she was absolutely taking her time. It was obvious that she was deliberately feeling me up for her own pleasure. When she grasped my manhood. I stood up and said, “The water is cold and I am tired and hungry!”
“Humph” Pouted Lady Grogda her displeasure but began to rinse me.
Just as I was stepping out of the tub, Gus entered slightly out of breath as he had run to get my clothes with Lukas my footman helping. I sighed with relief as Gus helped me don my dressing gown.
“Old Maude will be here momentarily to apply your salve.” Gus said with a salute.
“Very good.” I replied to Gus then turned to Lady Grogda and said, “I was told you are a Dowager Baroness. Is that not so?” I blatantly asked appearing as innocent as I could.
“I will see you at the dinner bell hour.” Lady Groda said with a sort of half wave salute and stormed out of the chamber in a huff.
“Thank you, Gus. I actually thought I would have to literally fight to save my personal honor.” I remarked with a laugh.
“It was my pleasure, Lord Wyatt.” Gus responded and joined me in laughing.
Old Maude came about twenty minutes later and applied my salve and chatted about how excited she was to be in Avalon and wanting to visit one of the apothecary shops. I gave her permission but have one of the guards accompany her.
About an hour later and I was fully shaven and dressed, I heard a large bell ringing from a bell tower not far away from my chamber. With that, I headed down to the great hall that was just off the main entrance way. I was met by Lady Ludmilla who escorted me to Viscount Skafhoggr chair where she seated herself to my left. Lady Grogda appeared wearing a new pink dress and seated herself to my right. The one missing was the Viscount.
“Where is Lord Skafhoggr?” I asked Lady Ludmilla with a raised eyebrow.
“He is meeting with one of the military commanders. I believe they are deciding on how large a levy they must raise to battle the bastards of Mardor.” Replied Lady Ludmilla as she clapped her hands for servants to begin serving the evening meal.
Four exhausting hours later, I was back in my chamber with my nerves completely shot. The constant fawning and mindless chatter from Lady Ludmilla as well as the constant groping from Lady Grogda under the table had stained me to the max. I was ready for bed and was glad to sink into the lavender scented sheets. Gus grabbed a thin pallet and two blankets. Blowing out the candles he stepped into the hallway closing the door behind him. He would sleep outside my door as custom demands while traveling.
A little over a half an hour later after Gus left, the door opened and closed quickly. I could not see in the darkness but relaxed when Freya spoke softly and slipped into bed with me. Freya did her magic on me as she mounted me taking me to new heights of pleasure. I quickly forgot all about the overly eager pursuit of the Dowager Baroness as I shared the pleasures of being with Freya. After we had sated ourselves completely, we slept peacefully in a loving embrace.
The morning came with a knock on my door that woke both Freya and I. I moaned but Freya nudged me on the chin.
“Time to wake you lazy bones.” Freya said with a laugh.
“I am not a morning person.” I said with a groan.
“Don't I know it! You were quiet the beast were you not?” Freya teased then laughed at me.
The knock on the door was more instant as I rose and put on my dressing gown. Opening the door slightly was Gus and the Dowager Baroness.
“It is early, what is it?” I asked.
“We have prepared a very special meal for you this morning.” Said Lady Grogda with a frown while she tried to look around me into the chamber.
“I see. Well, give me some time to properly dress and I will be down shortly.” I stated and continued to Gus “Have Lukas bring my shaving kit.”
“Right away, Lord Wyatt.” Gus said as he motioned down the hall where I assumed Lukas was.
About forty five minutes later and having snuck Freya out of my chamber, I was fully shaved and dressed in my dark red outfit and black beret hat that actually looked really good on me. Upon entering the great hall, I saw Lady Ludmilla seated. Lady Grogda taking me by the arm led me again to the Viscount's chair where she seated herself next to me.
“Where is Lord Skafhoggr, Lady Ludmilla?” I asked her directly.
Lady Ludmilla was quiet for a moment then said, “I guess he is sleeping. The meetings with the military commanders drag on for hours and hours. I hardly ever see him these days.” Lady Ludmilla said with a shrug of her shoulders.
“Is that so. Very well as it can not be helped. Please send my regards to Lord Skafhoggr for his hospitality. I was informed that the king would have a messages for me that Lord Skafhoggr was to give me. Could you ask Lord Skafhoggr for them?” I asked as I suspected something was just not right.
“Oh. Ah. I will of course ask my Lord Vincent for the king's message once morning meal is finished.” Lady Ludmilla said and looked discombobulated.
“I see. Please do so. The king ordered me to arrive in Camelot immediately. I can not dally and spend extra time as I normally would do. I hope you understand.” I said making extra emphasis on the king's order part.
“Yes. What the king commands we all must obey.” Lady Ludmilla said sourly but not looking at me.
Lady Ludmilla then clapped her hands and the servants brought in the morning meal. What surprised me was my meal was different from everyone else. Looking at both Lady Ludmilla and Lady Grogda something in the back on my head screamed warning warning.
The silver plate before me was a type of stew with a strong overpowering spice scent. I frowned and began to think hard and fast.
“This is a specialty from the High Valley region. I hope you like it.” Lady Grogda said with no expression at all.
My alarm bells went off even stronger this time. A footman came over to fill my cup which I deliberately knocked over and profusely apologized for my clumsiness.
“You know, I am from the High Valley region too. I have never been a fan of overly spiced foods. Lets see how spicy it is.” I stated and took a scoop with a spoon and handed it to the footman to taste.
The footman was surprised but more than happy to taste the food as it was obvious that food for the staff was very plain and simple.
“You should not do that! It is not right!” Lady Grogda said as she stood up showing more alarm than outrage.
The footman had already consumed the sample where he at first looked like he liked it. However, he suddenly started to choke as his face turned bright red and falling to his knees. Lady Ludmilla stood up in horror as the footman was gagging begging for water. I handed him my silver chalice with what I assumed was apple cider where he chugged it down then begged for more.
Finally, after three more cups of water given by another footman, first footman just lay on his back almost in a stupor. It was as if his mind was blank.
“What is this?” I asked as I pointed to my meal looking at both Lady Ludmilla and Lady Grogda.
“I do not know!” Said Lady Ludmilla looking at her mother with a strange look.
“Do not give me that! What did you do?” I demanded with a my voiced raised and now pointing my finger at them.
“It was a love potion. It was to make you like me.” Said Lady Grogda meekly and looking sheepishly at the ground.
“Seriously! That was more than a simple love potion!” I yelled my outrage.
“I swear that is all it was. I had to hide its not so pleasant taste with spice.” Lady Grogda stated her defense but still not able to look me in the eye.
“Lady Ludmilla, I must now ask that you bring me the king's message as I am now leaving Avalon.” I commanded with rage in my countenance.
Lady Ludmilla fled the great hall without replying. Lady Grogda just sat down with her head down looking at the floor saying nothing.
With exasperation, I called out to my people. “House of Wyatt, Ladies and girls we are leaving! Quickly gather your things and be out front within a little span!”
With that, I stormed out of the great hall to the shock of all present. Up in the guest chamber, I changed clothes into my bluejeans, a blue shirt and a tan leather vest. Pulling on my boots and strapping on my weapons belt, I looked over seeing Gus and Lukas already packed up my discarded clothing and was ready to leave as they were staying clear of my angry outbursts.
Down at the carts, I ordered my guards to ready themselves to leave. I sent Lukas to call all the servants in the inn to be ready to leave immediately. Razor and Meowth jumped down from their perch on the first two carriages with questioning looks.
“They tried to poison me! Can you believe it?” I said angrily as I swept my arm to point at the fortress.
“Meow Lord Wyatt, that is clawful. Do you want meow to use them like a scratching post?” Asked Meowth as her tail went straight in what I assumed was either surprise or anger.
Razor just gave a low grumbling growl with teeth bared as he looked at the fortress.
Forty minutes later as my people were loading up, Lady Ludmilla approached with her head down.
“I am sorry Lord Wyatt. It seems you do not have any messages from the king.” Lady Ludmilla said never once looking me in the eye.
“I see. Send a message to the king that I left Avalon today and as commanded traveling as quickly as I can. The king is expecting my update so make sure it is properly sent!” I said with a warning.
I ordered a florse saddled for I needed fresh air as I was still furious. I actually led our people out and toward the main north south road which Nick panicked a bit and settled with riding next to me. As we approached the main crossroads of the city, I saw a large dinning hall and ordered a halt for all of our people to have breakfast. The meal consisted of roasted mutton, eggs, apple pancakes and apple jam. They also had fresh chilled milk and apple cider which really went well with the sweet dishes. Our group apparently cleaned them out and they had to turn away a few customers until mid day.
After breakfast, I went to the adventurer's guild that was a few buildings to the south. It was a four story building of decent size. I allowed Old Maude with a one of the house guards to go to the apothecary shop across the road along with the two Alphardian servants Aura and Sylvia. Inside the adventurer's guild, I asked for Marine as instructed. It was then I learned that Marine was Zack Talley's girl where they were to marry soon as she proudly let me know her good news.
“Zack said to tell you this is a level one escort. Whatever that means.” I repeated what Zack had told me to say.
“Thank you. It simply means Zack thinks there would be no problems and just being present is enough to discourage any potential thieves. The total is two hundred fifty denari for basic escort with an A ranked adventurer.” Marine said with a smile
After paying the fee for the job request, I asked Marine to speak to someone about Andros that was brought in by man guard Lars.
“I am Supervisor Etan Borg and assistant to Guild Master Henry Stewart. It is a pleasure to be at your service Count Wyatt.” Stated Etan with a salute and bow.
“Pleasure is mine.” I replied with a salute and nod of my head.
“We have investigated Andros. His party the Finders of Avalon specialize in retrieving lost items or stolen goods from thieves. It appears his party was specifically requested to recover a lost ventu volpis. We do not have any more details for the job other than this.” Etan stated as he read from a page in his hand.
“Who hired them to steal from me? Make no mistake, they were hired to steal from me!” I said as I was showing my anger and frustration.
“Normally, we would not disclose who posted job requests to those not apart of the contract. However, given the circumstances, I was instructed to tell you it was Viscountess Lady Ludmilla. It seems she contracted and paid a merchant from Xanadu for a ventu volpis. It is our understanding that merchant was placed on a Quenya trade ship where he will go on trial for his many crimes in Svarta. The Finders of Avalon should not have tried to take your ventu volpis. Nor should they have taken on the job given the crimes of the merchant without more information.” Etan explained what the guild knew.
“What will happen to Andros?” I asked frankly.
“The Guild Master will hold a hearing with S and an A ranked members who will advise on the issues. I expect he will be found guilty but will escape the ten year punishment. More like one to two years of labor for the guild doing low ranked jobs that no one wants while being supervised by myself or a C ranked or higher adventurer. His pay will be one third of normal with the rest going to repay the guild and costs associated with his lapse in judgment.” Etan replied with a shrug of his shoulders.
“I see. The thing that irks me is they attacked my people and wounded one of my guards with a slinger's stone.” I explained my outrage.
“I was not aware of this fact. Master Stewart will compensate you as the law requires. Unfortunately, Master Stewart left for Camelot for meetings with the war counsel on Astria's response to the Empire's latest invasion. I will send a filoxis to let Master Stewart know that there was injury, offense and honor requirements. I understand you will be traveling to Camelot and am certain Master Stewart will seek you out to give you a formal apology and see you are properly compensated.” Etan stated with a salute and bow.
“Good enough. Let me know the outcome of the hearing for Andros. I do not like loose ends and a potential enemy looking for revenge.” I said mater of factually.
“Understood. I will relay your concerns to Master Stewart. Etan replied with another salute and bow.
Leaving the adventure's guild, I decided to visit the tradesman's guild and merchant's storefront while Old Maude was still busy across the street. The girls came with me as they had been requesting things like combs, brushes and scented oils plus a few other special feminine items they needed.
Once all the girls got what they were needing and getting those items stowed with their baggage, Old Maude came back with a small crate filled with items to make medicines. While the baggage was being loaded and sorted, I went to see the information broker's desk and inquired about Chamberlain Robert Duffy. I paid the requested fee of one erythro given his status in the city. I was shown a file which listed the qualities, character and known habits of Robert. There was a section about vices and food preferences. The only vice was seeing a woman who was a widow listed as a paid mistress. Basically, Robert was a straight as an arrow honorable man. I smiled as the report made me feel better about who I was helping.
Finally, with everyone loaded up, we headed out of the city of Avalon over the southern main bridge and gate that was just like the north one but slightly longer with a guard tower protected draw bridge section to let ships pass. After about two hours, I had calmed down enough that I rode in the carriage as was expected of a person of rank. I just looked out seeing nothing but the vast wheat fields of the Capital Region realizing how lucky I had been to escape the evils of the ladies of Fortress Avalon.