Hope you all are well, I was wondering if anyone has any tips/tricks to not thinking too hard about socializing with others.
For reference, I am a college student that got invited to a movie night and all I could think about the entire time was making the appropriate noises at the movie, laughing at the right times, and making little comments once I realized that was what the others were doing. Also just being hyper aware of my own posture and facial expressions (ie. Should I uncross my arms to look more open? Lean back into the couch? Remember to smile, you look upset/bored when you focus). As I am expecting to encounter these people/be in similar situations I would be grateful to hear how others do this.
This isn’t my forte and if anyone has any advice it would be much appreciated. I want to make a good impression/be seen as… normal? Not off putting I guess.

How common are these? And how quick do they progress?
I am worried my mother in law might be getting scammed. She’s been talking to this guy for over a month, maybe longer. But only via message. She’s never video chatted or talked on the phone with him, “because he only had a computer” on this oil rig he supposedly is on. to which I responded, you can video chat on WhatsApp or there is Skype. I said if he has Internet to chat with you, he could video chat.
She was supposed to pick him up tomorrow, which was already a red flag for us, and then she let it slip that he would supposedly be staying with her. but suddenly got a text today saying that he would have to delay his flight due to issues on the oil rig.
He claims to have a 10-year-old son in boarding school.
He contacted her on social media, but they have no mutual friends and his account is private so I can’t creep on the page. He hasn’t asked her for money yet, but I’m worried that that is coming up with his sudden need to “change flights.“
Anyone who has experienced this, how long did it take before they started asking for money?
How did you approach the conversation with the loved one?

I found a couple articles on my Sunday news browsing that give me hope that reporters are taking the kid gloves off.
From CNN, How Trump’s first term may have laid the groundwork to make his radical immigration agenda a reality:

As Trump and his advisers map out a potential second-term agenda, the pathway to the implementation and application of the travel ban is a critical window into understanding their ambitions for immigration policy.
The anti-immigrant rhetoric that defined Trump’s successful 2016 campaign has darkened and grown even more inflammatory as he seeks a return to the White House.
[...]
But the focus on Trump’s incendiary language can obscure an expansive and largely unprecedented swath of immigration policy proposals.
They include mass arrests, detention and deportation. Federal law enforcement would be restructured to direct “massive portions” of agency personnel toward immigration enforcement. The National Guard would be deployed and, if necessary, US troops as well.

And the San Francisco Chronicle, Trump is mainstreaming Christian nationalism. If elected, that agenda could greatly impact California:

In a February speech to evangelical broadcasters in Nashville — in which he referred to the Jan. 6 insurrectionists as “persecuted Christians” — Trump said he would repeal a 70-year-old ban on churches endorsing political candidates, something he tried to do as president, eroding a 300-year dividing line between church and state.
[...]
In the same speech, Trump echoed the goals of Project 2025, an ambitious policy agenda for a conservative administration’s first six months in office.
Coordinated by the Heritage Foundation and authored by an array of conservative organizations, including ones led by Christian nationalists, Project 2025 syncs closely with an evangelical agenda to enforce a binary definition of gender while ending access to abortion, contraception and end-of-life care. Among its myriad policy recommendations, the 900-plus-page tome calls for a Republican president to:

• strip all legislation, federal regulations and grants of language covering abortion, reproductive health, sexual orientation, gender identity, diversity and other protections disfavored by the right;
  
• outlaw “transgender ideology” as pornography, and imprison teachers and school librarians who educate students about it;
  
• require federally funded reproductive health clinics to provide information “about the importance of marriage”;
  
• recognize Sunday as a day of rest under Judeo-Christian tradition, and require employers to pay workers time-and-a-half if they work the Sabbath.
  

With all the info that's out there, anyone who tries to say "both candidates are the same" deserves to be laughed out of the room.
Tell me again who the real "low-information" voters are?

Hello! After giving myself time to explore, heal, and rediscover lost passions/hobbies, I think now is the perfect time to try and open my heart again. I am looking for something serious and long term.
I am in my early 20s, studying in one of the UAAP schools, pursuing a healthcare-related degree. I am most passionate about pursuing higher studies to further advance my skills for myself and my future patients.
I am taller and bigger than the average Filipina, standing at 5’6, and I am plus-sized due to some hormonal problems and medications, but I am working on it for my physical and mental well-being. I think I look presentable enough :) I enjoy making myself look good and am a makeup enthusiast. I also make it a point to smell good and be hygienic.
Honestly, I am busy most of the time but keen on building a connection enough to make time for you. Some have a lot on their plates, so I know how to respect one's time and boundaries. I am a great listener and adore remembering every detail of your life.
I mostly struggle communicating my feelings because I was so used to repressing them. But, I'm starting to learn how to communicate with the people l am acquainted with, and I think I have made significant progress over the past two years
I am looking for someone who possesses the following: - Around my age (28 y/o max.) - 5’8 and above - Soft-spoken and calm - Emotionally intelligent - Financially literate - Socially aware - Funny - Family oriented - Clingy - Single :) - Patient - Respectful (not just to me but to anyone around him) - Attentive and cares enough to know more about me on a deeper level - Patient enough to communicate - Speaks my love language (Quality time, words of affirmation, and Acts of Service) - Not afraid to show his feminine side - Preferably in the med or business field (but anything will do naman!) - Taller than me - I prefer big boys hehe 🤍
I have preferences, but I think what’s important is we are of the same or similar wavelength regarding values and intellect. I don’t care about looks that much, it’s the character I am after at. Looks may fade, but character lasts a lifetime :)

I always have anxiety about something. Typically about my head, heart, or currently, a toothache. About two months ago I was laid off from my job. I have been in the lowest of lows since then. I have no motivation, I half-ass apply to jobs, and just sit around being anxious about something. I want to go back to school. I want to work. And I want to go back to being the confident (semi-anxious) person I was before this.
I can tell my family and my boyfriend are trying to be suppy ut also wondering when I'm going to get my shit together. I have no motivation to do any of the things I really want to do. I used to go to the gym frequently, socialize with friends, and care for myself. I want to have a purpose again.

Non native 3 in the morning- typical ‘Im a wake and my brain goes crazy’- thought
A while ago, I read a post, that people having difficulty talking out loud about their feelings/needs but are good in typing go just non verbal (autistic). I looked into it - didn’t hit the boxes for me.
So I just woke up an hour ago (pregnancy night pee) and had a thought stuck in my head. Please feedback/give your thoughts on it.
Tasks which are not learned ’at the right time’ become much harder to master later. And something ‘natural’ needs to be learned with way more effort. And probably never mastered as good, compared to ‘learned at the right time’.
My initial example was talking, writing with your hand and typing about feelings/needs. But it applies to every example I can think about right now. That’s why my brain can’t stop thinking about it… thanks brain. I want to sleep.
Sooo
Talking out loud- basics should be done by age 5 or 6. Including the right/empathic feedback from the receiver.
Writing with your hand -should be doable at 6/7 and by the age of 10 you should be set. I see journals as a perfect example here. Which need to be introduced and explained.
Typing (in my old age, computer keyboard - Im 37) - but phone works now as well. Depending on the situation - I mastered typing by the age of 15-18 (hard to remember…). General basics were thought at school amd I masteredit while playing World of Warcraft 😂
Now my theory: I was never thought how to explain my feelings, speaking out loud. Even feelings were never explained. Huge issues today.
Writing (journal) was never explained as well. I can do it now (writing a letter) but the idea of journaling is a complete not understood concept for me. Why writing if there is zero feedback and no receiver?
Typing - oh Im good at this - I had some guidance on the technical details and mastered them. Then I had a lot of online friends and we typed a lot. The mixture of ‘being away’ and I don’t habe to see the reaction (text messages or back in the day, aol, etc) and games with chat function. Or like here - where I have ‘an audience’ but I don’t have to see /experience the reaction. I couldn’t do a digital journal, but typing it out here: easy.
And it applies to so much. Reading Riding a bike Swimming Having an organized home (> putting stuff away) ….
You can learn it later on. Even if you invest a lot of time, the person who learned it ‘at the right time’ has just a massive advantage. You still can become good, but it takes a lot of practice and time.
Happy to read your thoughts on it - I hope my brain is now happy. The thought is typed out - Im going to bed

These are my extra circulars I have accumulated as a freshman, are they any good? ofc some of them are good but as a list, do they display a common theme? Are they believable? Do I have have to many positions doing the same activities? Any feedback is great.
Blog Contributor
retrieved neurophysiological and related information; published a meta-analysis paper evaluating popular study techniques, for a meta-cognitive/life O.S app, facilitating student retention and cognitive load tolerance by 75%.

2

Club Membecommunity leader
participated in a metacognitive/skills program for 1.3yrs, collaborated with more than 10 grad level/professional level students and helped facilitate their learning of course specific material. Created numerous 1 on 1 accountability groups within the larger club and facilitated more to connect like minded, passionate people with each other.

3

mentee Participated as a mentee for 2yr, in a program, accepting 2.9% of students that facilitated, metacognitive skills, networking, entrepreneurship, etc.

4

respite caregiver 24hr home care worked under the California Regional Center for 1.6yrs, obtained a first aid license in order to care for, elderly, adolescent, and mentally challenged patients.

5

mentor
participated in a metacognitive focused group focused, on sustainability, achievement, research, and finding passion and purpose in academia; became a mentor closely collaborating with department leaders for education plans, event planning, and tutoring, lead workshops, Office hours, and "focus sessions" a live class were we teach attention, consistency, and other things to increase mental clarity (volunteer).

6

FoundeLead learning coach
started a mentorship company; with 12+ Mentors teaching annual cohorts of 30+ kids from High Schools internationally about academic opportunities, techniques for sustainability and life long learning skills; spoke at high schools in low income neighborhoods, about academic success, career readiness, and tutoring opportunities; formed various collaborative agreements with other international non profits and startups to increase our global impact for addressing inefficiencies in education and healthcare institution's worldwide; lead small groups of 2-10 researchers in writing, psychology, neuroscience, neurobiology, and cognitive science related review and meta-analysis papers

7

Co-FoundeTeam Manager
published 25+ articles; tutored 10+ students and contributed to 12+ research publications(non-scholarly); founded my own official chapter responsible for psychoneuroimmunology research and meta analysis papers; volunteered 250+ clinical hours; spoke at a MUN an international conference running for 3+ months discussing strategies to abolish inefficiencies in the healthcare system in low income and traditional underrepresented areas.

8

EMT N/A trained and worked as a emergency medical technician, and completed 200+ clinical hours.

9

content creator youtube/Instagram/twitter(X) And outreach initiative to help give educational value and incentives to a wider audience; these channels were created to compliment my business with our goals to provide free information; over 300k followers over all platforms

10

Committee lead/Product manager
Became Head of the neuroscience committee, where I was responsible for organization fundraisers, managing social medias, organizing research groups and peer reviewing others; this entailed me overseeing 2k+ students globally and facilitating all their research related ventures, directly and indirectly
DISCLAIMER: This is a prospective list e.c's 9 and 10 are still in progress, everything else is good though.
Idc about what school, but if you have any advice to tailor my e.c's to T10 or vandy/umich, that would also be greatly appreciated.

My therapist said she needs to refer me to an agoraphobia specialist. While I was pretty agoraphobic for a couple years after high school (like rarely left the house), I feel like I just struggle with social anxiety. If I knew no other human being would interact with me when I go out, I'd be totally fine. I just get anxious dealing with people, even if I know them. I avoid going to the mailbox to not get stuck in draining conversations with neighbors. I avoided school because of bullying and probably my undiagnosed ADHD making me feel incapable compared to others. I don't travel by myself in case people at the airport are rude and make me anxious. I call out of work alot because I get anxious seeing the same people over and over and having to do small talk and worry about office gossip or rubbing people the wrong way on accident. Honestly I just hate having anyone I don't trust knowing personal stuff about me, especially since I have a lot of issues I have to mask it is draining to fake it for politeness.
Not looking for a reddit diagnosis, just wondering is this type of thinking common in agoraphobia?

I'm 18 years old and I'm so dumb. I cannot even put the words together to explain myself. I don't wanna get help from those successful people who think they are doing pretty bad in their lives, when in reality, they are just tired from working and using their smarty brain at it's full potential. Only thing I know there is something wrong with me and I wanna fix it so I don't waste my life. I went to psychiatrist couple of times, used different medicines but I'm same old me. I feel like those people don't even listen to me but care about only the money. I even went there with a good amount of hope when I had my doubts to go. So. I cannot do anything in life and I cannot help it. I'm suck as a student, a worker, a group leader, a group participant, a daughter...I look some of my old friends who didn't go to collage after graduating high school and I'm jealous of them, how they know what they want and don't want and having a place in society just like that. My family looked at my horrible grades and said to me 'you don't have to do this'. I rejected I said I'll do better next time and that situation went on so much that I lost faith in my academic goals. When I took my uni entrance exam the results were just poor because I didn't study. My family suggested to me that I would go to any collage with those bad results but I had high goals with that poor discipline, so I took a gap year to study again like I would change(I didn't) The math was so hard, paragraphs were too long and I was always so sick to study. Just sitting in that table and doing something was very very very hard for my will. I would just listen to music all day and daydream about studying like that gilmore girl. and when I actually did study it would be just for 2 hours a day(if the topic is so easy) and you guys might say 'yes that's great do it everyday' well that's the problem if I study 2 hours I take 1 week off and not intentionally. I don't know what's happening to me right after that studying I cannot ever be consisted about something. I've been keeping a journal I looked at the dates and they had 1 month gap between them where I always said at the end 'I'll def come back tomorrow, this writing changed me completely' because I was talking to that journal and then I was giving myself advice via writing that journal which never worked out. So I'm inconsistent, lazy, forgetful, addicted, dumb, doing a mistake at least a hundred times and never learning anything from it. I took adhd pills, depression pills and now anxiety because I have trouble going to sleep for a while now. And because all of this and others I attempted su**ide several times in 2021. That last one made my family concerned and they don't let me alone to do it now. I didn't stop thinking about it laters but I said what's the meaning of this. Live to see whatever shi*ty life youre going to have. But now I'm crying writing this. I don't have an abusive household, my country is not in a war, I'm getting my basic needs which is enough yet this mind of mine is going to k*ll me. It's not about just academics, wish I had just one talent or skill that could keep me alive and give me confidence. Because it doesn't look like I'm going to be better at something with hard work. And it would be great if I wasn't this nervous and embarrassed. I just wanted to know if there's someone like me and what do they do about it.

For starters I’m 17 and I’m male.. I use an antiperspirant and deodorant and switch every so often because apparently your body’s bacteria can adapt to it. I wear clean clothes everyday, nothing polyester. I wash my sheets frequently but I also shower In the morning so not sure if that should affect anything. I’ve done everything to prevent myself from smelling, but after I sweat even just a little I get an odor. I’m not sure how to describe it but it’s not like onions just sweaty smell. Not sure what to do, my mom thinks it’s mental, but my siblings comment on it as well as classmates. Not as much anymore because I’m aware and my hygiene is way better than it was freshmen year. But still after doing everything I’ve seen online even putting acid on my pits I still get an odor. Also it seems that the smell isn’t coming from my pits. I played basketball outside the other day and my pits smell fine, like deodorant, but my shirt -new shirt so no bacteria and I freshly washed it- smelled bad, where my stomach is and it smelled like the sweaty smell, (yes I clean my belly button). Could it be medical? Is it just puberty? If so why doesn’t everyone else smell? Do I just naturally get stinky? This has affected my social life in high school as I’m scared to hang out with people in fear of smelling bad and being made fun of. I need help, please.

I had returned to school after 3 years because of Covid and got my first phone. I was 13 at the time and was just entering grade 8 middle school. I was addicted to my phone back then and used it constantly and met some bad internet influence. After a few weeks, I had a slight argument with my friend over text where the internet influence told me to use the n word. He had said that it was just a swear word like all the others so I had used it, saying “f**k you” then the n words a few seconds later, believing that there was nothing else to it. My friend knew however and decided to take a screenshot. We’re now in grade 9 high school, moving to grade 10 where around 3 months ago, brought back up the image. He had given it to around 3 other people who had shared it with a few of their friends. I recently saw on the news from a few years ago that many high school students had their admission rescinded or were facing expulsion for saying something similar and it going viral on social media. I am worried that this could happen to me because I could be in a similar situation as then in a few years and have been stressed about it for the last few months.

My boyfriend of 5 years is in the mental hospital. He will be there for a while. Unfortunately we have not filed as domestic partners in the state of MA, so I cannot get paid medical leave. But, I can get personal leave, where I'd have to deplete my PTO, and then go unpaid, also losing my health insurance. My job is big on family and may not fire me, but it is not protected as it'd be with FMLA or PMFL leave, so anything can happen... I am scared shitless right now.
The obvious answer is to be there for my partner as he's been there for me before this all happened for so many big life events. But I don't want him to be upset with me for the choice I make. But at the same time, he is struggling so much he doesn't know what I'm doing or even thinking, just knows I am consistently there for him. And I feel that is important for him to know I will show up and be there no matter the weather.
We visit 30 mins per day everyday which is the max we can. Between the facility being an hour away and his phone calls, as well as calls from social workers and providers, it is difficult to work right now. The grief and worry is also engulfing me and I can't concentrate on anything right now.
I think I know what I should do, but am curious what others would do here of if there's anything I am not thinking of. I am fortunate enough to have savings to pay the rent and electricity bills for the time being. I also have state insurance from covid relief days that I can use since I will also lose my paid insurance making this move.
I feel everything happens for a reason. Maybe this is meant to be in some strange way. I don't know.

I am an engineer on a team of 3 in a company of 10. My team lead and I are both fresh out of grad school. He's doing a fantastic job leading our team but he really struggles to give positive feedback. I will go weeks or months without hearing anything positive about my work or skills. He genuinely tries though - sometimes he remembers and will make a weirdly heartfelt comment like "I just want you to know that I'm really proud of you", but it comes across as very forced and is awkward.
Anyway, I have a lot of social anxiety and quite honestly, spend a lot of therapy sessions just discussing this with my therapist. I really like my job, company, and team lead but the stress this causes me is huge. I'm working really hard to just work through it because navigating that situation is a life skill I need to develop. I just don't really know what to do.

1. Talking to him about it seems really inappropriate - like giving unsolicited advice on his management skills. And I would feel like a child going in asking for a "good job"
   
2. Discussing it at my skip-level seems really inappropriate
   
3. Leaving a job isn't guaranteed to fix the problem.
   

Curious if anyone else has ever dealt with this. Thanks!

Demographics: Asian, Michigan, Public
Intended Major(s): Biology
ACT/SAT/SAT II: 1570 (790M 780 RW)
UW/W GPA and Rank: 3.44/3.8 (VERY BIG JUMP IN GPA -> 3.0, 3.3, 4.0 for UW, 3.4 + 3.6 + 4.3 for W), had very strenuous circumstances for GPA that I will write about in essays
Coursework: 8 APS/3 DE/2 Honors (Taking AP Chem/Bio/Lang/Stats) (Micro/Macro/Psych/APES -> all 5s)
Awards:
1st at HOSA States (1/40)
2nd at HOSA Internationals (2/150) -> 2/2000 overall
AP Scholar w/ Distinction
NHS
Honor Roll
School Award for 5s on both AP Econ Tests
Extracurriculars:
Biotechnology and Biomedical Research @ t15 med school - 11th and 12th grade, 20hrs/wk, 3wk/yr
Med student shadowing + Cardiac Medicine Research @ t10 college - 11th and 12th grade, 20hrs/wk, 4wk/yr
Shadowed Primary Doctor (biomedical lab + patient interviews) - 11th and 12th grade, 30hrs/wk, 3wk/yr
HOSA (state champion) sent to Internationals and placed 2nd at internationals, posted on 10+ nationwide news sites and covered by the media, 260,000 members worldwide - 11th and 12th grade, 10hrs/wk, 30wk/yr
Co-President of Biomedical Based Club, contacted licensed doctors and current med students to share information about the biomedical pathway, increased membership from 3 to 140 people in 4 years - 9th, 10th, 11th, 12th grade, 8hrs/wk, 35wk/yr
SAT/College Tutoring Organization, helped struggling students increased college applications, as well hosted hackathons, college seminars, and helped students increased their SAT scores by an average of 200 points. - 10th, 11th, 12th grade, 6hrs/wk, 10wk/yr
Swim Instructor (paid), Worked for ~1 year, over 400 hours of work, about 8-10 hours weekly on school weeks, and closer to 15 hours during summer, CPR and Lifeguard Certified. Had several classes, weekly, with kids with disabilities, such as Down Syndrome, Autism, and ADHD. - 11th, 12th grade, 8-10hrs/wk, 40wk/yr
Summer Volunteer connected w/Children’s Care Center (Big City's most vulnerable kids) - Instructed and taught children who have been impaired with neurological, social, and developmental challenges, as well as kids that have dealt with major trauma at a very young age to swim. Participated in a 3-week long program teaching them the basics of swimming. - 11th, 12th gade, 8-10hrs/wk, 4wk/yr
Michigan Ref Certified - Participated in overall 50+ hours of ref-related activities, played soccer for 13 years and competed in competitive/travel soccer for 10 years.
9th, 10th, 11th, 12th grade, 2hrs/wk, 13wk/yr (for reffing)
9th, 10th grade, 8hrs/wk, 35wk/yr (for soccer)
VolunteeTutor Work - Volunteer Monthly at an Indian Cultural Program (10hrs/month), Math Tutor for struggling students (3hrs/week), Volunteer Monthly for Key Club (3hrs/month)
Essays/LORs/Other:
APES (8/10)
STEM Teacher (9/10)
Schools:
Purdue, OSU, MSU, UMich, UChicago, NYU, JHU, UPenn (PLS), Columbia

My boyfriend of 5 years is in the mental hospital. He will be there for a while. Unfortunately we have not filed as domestic partners in the state of MA, so I cannot get paid medical leave. But, I can get personal leave, where I'd have to deplete my PTO, and then go unpaid, also losing my health insurance. My job is big on family and may not fire me, but it is not protected as it'd be with FMLA or PMFL leave, so anything can happen... I am scared shitless right now.
The obvious answer is to be there for my partner as he's been there for me before this all happened for so many big life events. But I don't want him to be upset with me for the choice I make. But at the same time, he is struggling so much he doesn't know what I'm doing or even thinking, just knows I am consistently there for him. And I feel that is important for him to know I will show up and be there no matter the weather.
We visit 30 mins per day everyday which is the max we can. Between the facility being an hour away and his phone calls, as well as calls from social workers and providers, it is difficult to work right now. The grief and worry is also engulfing me and I can't concentrate on anything right now.
I think I know what I should do, but am curious what others would do here of if there's anything I am not thinking of. I am fortunate enough to have savings to pay the rent and electricity bills for the time being. I also have state insurance from covid relief days that I can use since I will also lose my paid insurance making this move.
I feel everything happens for a reason. Maybe this is meant to be in some strange way. I don't know.

My name is Dr. Smith, not my real name of course, but for purposes of storytelling it will have to suffice. I have been practicing medicine at an Asian country as a general practitioner. I'm relatively new and I practice at a small village, not too far from civilization, half a day's travel by car and a few hours by boat from the country's capital, but very rural nonetheless, complete with superstitious beliefs and customs. I decided to stay here when I first graduated and passed the licensure exam for two reasons: first, I have a place to stay here, my family's ancestral home (although none of my direct relatives have lived there for years), said ancestors being one of the first people to settle in the area and second, because my family had always been the physicians in this small community as far as anyone remembers. Me, my grandfather and his father before him all went to the city to study medicine and went back here to practice it, like there was a pull, a calling, to sacrifice the convenient, fast-paced city life for the quiet and serene. My mother hated the idea, as clingy as she is to me, saying things like she wanted me to always be around where she could protect me, but you can't really help it when purpose calls. To be honest, it feels good providing a wide range of services to the honest people of our small, humble town, no greater feeling than helping the less privelaged, educating them and dispelling preconceived notions and old wives tales which are aplenty in my country, especially here.
I still recall how everything began. I made a makeshift clinic at one of the rooms of my ancestral home, it used to be my grandfather's office, but it felt old, antique, and perhaps too... professional, nothing wrong with that, but I wanted my patients to feel a more homely setting. So, I rearranged a bit, removed the imposing self portrait of my great-grandfather wearing his white coat that hang on the wall and transferred it to a more private area of the house. I changed the dim, barely functioning lights into brighter, more modern ones, removed the exceedingly extravagant chandelier and equipped the room with materials and equipment that I deemed necessary for my practice. I retained the wooden floors, but outfitted the walls with charts and more colorful decorations, in anticipation for the occasional pediatric patient. It was beginning to look less like an old abandoned house where teenagers went for the spooks and more like a place of healing and betterment, a clean place offering a clean mind...or so I hope.
"Your grandfather would have a heart attack if he wasn't dead already, seeing what you've done with his old clinic" quipped Martha, our housekeeper. All I know about Martha is that my grandfather hired her as a young teen and she has been here since then, she babysat and raised my mother as her own, and even took care of me as a toddler. Considering her age, she mostly supervises the younger and more capable help rather than doing tasks herself. None of them stay at the house, but they get called upon when me or any of my relatives were expected. Most of the family consider her as one of our own at this point.
"Well i'm sure great grandpa on the other hand enjoys the change of view" I replied jokingly. "Besides, I bet the patients would appreciate not being treated in such a dark, gloomy room."
"You know how your grandfather was..." she replies, that the idea of a dark, gloomy, old man liking dark, gloomy, old places was a no brainer. "...but everything aside, it is so nice to see you again, have you been feeling better? What did your mother think of you staying here?" she said with what I felt as outmost sincerity, "I used to chase and carry you around this estate and now look at you, about to carry out your family's legacy as a physician yourself" she continued, with a hint of pride from her tone.
I smiled. I myself couldn't think of a reason why a well respected man, revered even, by this town and it's people for everything he has done would act nonchalant and depressed, always with a jaded look in his eyes and stay in an equally dim and depressing part of his house, I've always known him to be like that, but was he always?
"I am better now. It's good to see you too, I'm glad you're staying healthy, and mom sure did not like it but well...she told me to say hi on her behalf" I told Martha. She beams up and smiles on my mother's mention.
"Well...I took the liberty of digging up your grandfather's documents, records and his patient charts, I doubt many of them still live but I thought maybe you'd like to have a look, I placed them around your desk but I can relocate them if you want me to"
"No, that's perfect. That's something I actually intended to do, i'll give it a read, thank you" I replied. I know some of those patients were either old or probably dead to be honest, but seeing data as well as the cases my grandfather had to deal with might help me in the future.
"The villagers already know Dr. Smith's grandson is here, they know you're a doctor, so expect to have a patient one of these days, perhaps as soon as you give the word that your clinic is open" Martha said, as she walks out of the room smiling and slightly waving, signalling a goodbye.
"I'm not even surprised" I think to myself. Places like these, words spreads like wildfire on topics like these, the idea of someone from a known family, coming back from the city, not to mention deciding to stay indefinitely, like the whole village needed notification, like the village demands explanation.
Hours passed and as I was satisfied with my new setup for the clinic, I took a break, sitting down and looking at the mountain of paperwork and folders placed on and around my desk. I picked one, thinking to myself that I might as well have a look now, with nothing else of note to do.
Patient #010438 Name redacted 43/Female
History of present illness: Patient had 3 day history of undocumented fever, dysuria, and bilateral flank pain Did not seek consult, no medications taken
Past Medical History Unremarkable
Personal and Social History Unremarkable
OB history illegible
Physical Examination BP 110/80 HR 102 RR 20
Nonhyperemic tonsils No murmurs Clear breath sounds Nontender abdomen (+) Kidney punch test
Noted a signature of the patient claiming she was not pregnant as a form of waiver
"Jesus grandpa, couldn't your history and physical exam get any lazier?" I thought to myself. Seeing pertinent history not asked and multiple organ systems ignored on physical examination. Given, some of the writing were already faded, the quality of the paper had deteriorated greatly, and plenty of details already illegible, all in all the documents weren't that bad. It sure doesn't help though that he writes like someone in the middle of a warzone practicing heiroglyphs.
I skimmed through more of the documents and patient files, most of the cases are relatively benign, majority are outpatient visits, some are emergency cases and there are the rare ones requiring transfer to a more developed town hours from here with better services and equipment. Time passed and as I lay down the last folder in a pile, I noticed a moderately sized box, probably the size of a briefcase, placed on the floor, dusty but obviously ornate. It piqued my interest although in my mind, I was pretty sure it was nothing but more documents, I decided to give it a look.
I picked a stack up and I started to read:
Patient #00512c Name redacted 32/Female
"Weird" I thought, it was numbered differently, and definitely none of the other documents were lettered. I continued reading:
History of present illness: This is a case of a 32 year old female who came in on date redacted due to a chief complaint of multiple hematomas, abrasions, burn wounds and lacerations on her face, trunk and extremeties..."
"Trauma? An accident? Possible abuse?" I contemplated.
"...patient allegedly noticed easy bruisability 2 weeks prior to consult, followed by alleged spontaneous appearance of abrasions and lacerations 2-3 days from onset of bruising, supposedly waking the patient at night due to the sudden sharp and searing pain, initially small cuts 3-5cm widest on her extremeties and face but eventually progressing to deep cuts measuring approximately 10-50cm on her back, chest, abdomen and lower extremeties. 1 week prior to consult, patient started noticing burning sensations on her skin, causing extreme pain and leaving reddish burn marks on her body, patient also experienced lack of appetite and inability to sleep due to loud voices and..."
"Spontaneous appearance? Easy bruising could be a lot of things, but for it to occur with 'spontaneous' abrasions and lacerations? Not to mention burn marks?" I thought out loud, having doubts about the credibility of the use of the word "spontaneous". Surely it was not an accident, considering it started 2 weeks ago with noted progression. "It could be a hematologic problem with the bruising, but that wouldn't explain the sudden appearance of cuts...maybe accompanied by a dermatologic one, the patient is prone to breaks in the skin? But then again the burn marks...the voices..." I analyzed. I was leaning towards abuse, where the cuts and bruises were inflicted by someone else and the abused, whether in some form of fear or coping, decides that it was "spontaneous" rather than inflicted, but why bother lying to yourself, perhaps the one who did it to her is a partner? Or a loved one? It made sense, someone progressively becoming more aggressive with her as time went by, becoming more and more extreme, from bruises to eventually burning.
It could a combination of illnesses to be honest, one on top of another, perhaps an overly sensitive or extremely dry skin that breaks and peels until it bleeds, an allergic reaction prompting the patient to unconciously scratch till her skin became red and lichenified, voices due to lack of sleep or a mental disorder. But looking at my grandfather's physical examination of her, none of the findings solidifies the possibility of those i've mentioned. Truth be told I also partially allowed myself to tunnel vision on the prospect of an abuse, to the point I've skipped some of the chart's contents that I deemed weren't important and tried to look for information to support my claim, or perhaps to disprove it, rookie mistake, but well, I am a rookie then.
"Patient is widowed, lives alone at a secluded area near redacted, only goes out to buy some necessities from redacted but has very minimal interaction from anyone in the village"
Okay then, either she is hiding the fact someone was with her, who is abusing her like I initially thought of, or it's self harm. "I'm pretty sure grandpa considered everything that went through my mind right now. Let me check his initial impression" I thought, with a tinge of annoyance, considering I felt that the patient lied to my grandfather, and was lying to me, decades after the fact.

1 Trauma, to consider physical abuse versus self harm;

"Alright, now we're getting somewhere" I said to myself, with a bit of pride having the same thought process as a physician with decades more experience than I do.

2 To consider mental disorder, probably psychotic - premature dementia

I chuckled. Premature dementia, didn't think i'd see that term, I thought everyone including those from his time would have used schizophrenia already, then again medicine and medical knowledge isn't as easily passed around as it is now. Psychiatry as a science would be relatively new during his time compared to other disciplines so the fact he considered it based on the patient hearing "voices"? Bravo gramps.
"Well...", I thought to myself, "...plenty of things to consider and rule out, let me check what else is there." A bit of cockiness on picking my grandfather's brain out and feeling good about my train of thought, a practice consult and so far, I'm on my way to a perfect score...

3. To consider possession probably secondary to malevolent spirit

.................
I gave the document a stern look, unmoving, unblinking, emotionless. Time has stopped, and I haven't noticed. My brain trying to digest the information, the same way my stomach would probably digest a block of steel...it's just not possible. I read one of my grandfather's diagnosis again:

3 To consider possession probably secondary to malevolent spirit

I never been one for faith. Evidence is everything. Science is everything. You can replicate it, you can prove it. Most importantly...It. Makes. Sense. I look at beliefs not based on evidence and feel nothing but skepticism if not disdain. Why won't people listen to expert opinion? Why won't people believe in facts? Why explain the unknown in such convoluted ways, requiring submission of oneself when the only thing the truth requires is but comprehension. I looked at that diagnosis feeling disappointment.
Then I felt anger. "Grandpa, what the fuck is wrong with you?!" I thought to myself. Here is a woman, full of bruises, cuts and burns all over her body, claiming that she has been suffering for weeks, barely eats or sleeps, was having auditory hallucinations, in dire need of medical, if not emotional and psychological support and one of the things that comes across your mind is possession.
I tried to calm my mind, these are records of the past anyway, I thought. Maybe it was a resignation born out of incompetence. Maybe grandpa wasn't as good of a doctor as I thought he was, that the shortcomings of his knowledge and limited technology of his time prompted him to adopt a more...liberal viewpoint to medicine. Maybe he was just superstitious himself. Maybe the people of this place had leaked some of their local beliefs into his psyche. Maybe isolation changed the man. Or maybe...just maybe...there's something to it.
I've never been one for faith. That goes for my faith in science as well. To just say that something is stupid because it doesn't align with standard, accepted scientific belief is just as detrimental as its counterpart.
I decided to investigate further when I heard the entrance to the room open with force. One of the maids leaning onto the wall by the entrance, still grasping the doorknob and evidently out of breath.
"Sir...ma'am Martha...calling...for you...says...it's...it's...an emergency..." She says in between breaths.
I quickly stood up, feeling sorry for the woman, she just ran, obviously gasping for air as she arrived at the clinic and now has to lead me back to wherever she came from with the same urgency. At first I was worried something might have happened with Martha, what the maid said didn't really give much clarity, but upon arriving at the main hall I noticed Martha, standing beside a middle aged man and woman, carrying a child, no more than 10 years old. I notice the clear panic and worry on both of their eyes as the man held the boy, who was uncontrollably shaking.
"I know you're not taking any patients yet and I was considering the time, but nobody knows what to do so I..." Martha explains, quite concerned while I ordered the parents to put the child flat on the ground, with me assessing the situation. The first thing I noticed was that the child was burning hot, "possibly febrile seizure? No, too old" I thought. I asked both the parents important details while I ordered the other maid to time the duration of the child's seizure. All the while thinking of possible diseases that may present as such, "Seizure disorder? Epilepsy? Meningitis? Encephalitis?" Eventually the shaking stopped, much to the parents' relief, and I ordered them to carry the boy as we made our way back to the clinic.
"Was this the first time it ever happened?" I inquired, as I put the child on one of the beds in the clinic, securing the corners with additional pillows, noticing the sunken face and apparent exhaustion from the boy, possibly due to the ongoing fever and the recent seizure episode. Once secured, I face the parents and continued my inquiries, I eventually explained everything, elaborating on what I believe happened, I explained that for now, lowering the fever and investigating the source were what we could address, the battery of tests I plan to do (disappointingly, most of them cannot be done here, and I would have to accompany them to a hospital on another town as soon as first light breaks), and the medications and management I plan to give. Everything proceeded as planned and I asked both parents to relax and take a breather, offering them a seat and asking the help to give them water.
Things eventually settled, little Johnny's fever subsided and color came back to him. Nowhere near clear, he can worsen anytime, but that was the best that we could do at that time. The parents were still worried, understandably so, but to an extent reassured, we have a plan after all. Martha, as well as Diane (the help from earlier), now at a calmer state. We discussed the plan, how we would travel, who would accompany us and what we would bring. Eventually, our conversations became relaxed, started to shift to other things, trivial matters, such as were they lived in the village, the date and time of my arrival, recent gossip, where Martha was more than happy to share.
"I was worried the evil spirits might have gotten my baby..." Said the mother nonchalantly, as we talked about the occurrence on a lighter note. "...that's how they got Mrs. Johnson's middle child. That poor boy was never the same after."
I smiled. Not wanting to immediately correct them and sound like an uptight individual. It's part of our culture afterall, old belief systems and a way for people to cope with loss or difficulty, who was I to deny them that. I won't approach these people the hardheaded way, but I will slowly show them the realities and truths of the things they may not understand, well, at least with regards to their health.
"Well, little Johnny is safe here, we'll do what we can" pointing to their son.
Only, their son wasn't where he was supposed to be. I look at the parents, I look at both Martha and Diane, everyone who looked at where I pointed were just as shocked as I was, a split second of silence before panic ensued. Suddenly, everyone stood up on high alert and was looking everywhere. Under covers, under the bed, corners of the room, the desk, behind curtains, hell, I saw Diane look at one of the damn drawers, as if a 10 year old would fit there.
Suddenly I heard loud vomiting, retching, followed by sounds of splashing. I follow where the sounds came from and see a large pool of black, tarry liquid at a corner of my room. I slowly trace where it was coming from and there he was...little Johnny...standing...upside down...on the ceiling.
I hear everyone in the room scream, I was probably screaming too, I couldn't remember. I do remember little Johnny screaming with us though, extremely high pitched and mockingly, with bloodshot eyes, upside down, while black liquid poured from his mouth, covering his face and dripping from his hair. How was that even possible, screaming while liters of unknown fluid dripped from his mouth? I don't know.
Then he laughed, although I was pretty sure that wasn't his voice. It was deep and guttural, it cannot be the boy's voice, it cannot be any boy's voice.
Time seemed to move in slow motion, I was noticing every detail, every expression from everyone's face, I can feel the seconds hand on my wall clock move, the slow dripping of the viscous dark liquid from little Johnny, I can feel every drop of sweat on my body. I could not cope with what i'm experiencing, was it a trick of the mind, an organized prank, have I gone mad...again? So I did the only thing I know how to do...
I tried to diagnose.
"Maybe it was dengue shock all along!" I thought to myself. "Vomiting blood, paleness, fever, an episode of seizure and definitely change in sensorium" I reasoned to myself. I was coping, and I was coping hard. I was ready to drown on my self absorbtion when a booming voice snapped me out of my thoughts.
"YOU DUMB FUCK, WILL ANY ILLNESS EXPLAIN WHY YOUR FUCKING PATIENT IS HANGING UPSIDE DOWN ON THE FUCKING CEILING?" Said little Johnny, or at least whoever was speaking on his behalf, because from where I'm standing, I can clearly see that the boy was not mouthing any of the words he said.
"YOU'RE A FUCKING FAILURE, DOCTORS LIKE YOU SHOULD KILL THEMSELVES! HAHAHAHA" he laughed, I never knew laughs could sound like that, as if the words were nails, and his voice box a chalkboard.
"OH WAIT, YOU FAILED AT THAT TOO DOC! FUCKING PATHETIC!"
Of all the things that were happening...a young boy hanging upside down, a mother crying on the floor hysterically, a father staring at his son, eyes wide open and mouth agape, Martha and Diane, both crying while sharing a rosary, in the act of what I assume to be prayer...the thing that snapped me out of my trance was the words that came from little Johnny. Knowledge nobody but the closest to me should know. A secret I planned to leave behind when I left the city, a wound I intended to forget as I started anew.
Visions of my memories came flashing back...medical school...overwhelming duty...familial expectations...failure...depression...my attempt...a bottle of medications...my mother...crying...on my bedside...
"LEAVE MY SON ALONE!" Johnny's father screamed. Starling everyone in the room.
Nothing matters, the past is in the past, I am better now, and that boy needs help, more than anything.
"YOUR SON? WHY DON'T WE ASK THAT CRYING WHORE IF JOHNNY REALLY IS YOUR SON" The voice says, laughing.
At that point the mother stops crying, looks up towards johnny, then towards his husband, in a state of shock. Like what the voice said is crazier than whatever was happening at the moment.
"THE ONLY REASON THAT WHORE STUCK WITH YOU WAS BECAUSE JOHNNY'S REAAAAAAAL FATHER WOULD NOT TAKE HER!" The entity says, continuing the hysteric laughter.
We were being played. It was toying with us. And from the look on the mother's face...it seems like little Johnny did not even need to lie to do it.
Then, to everyone's horror..."It" started to run.
It ran across the ceiling in a rabid frenzy, erratic and forceful, running and jumping, hopping sideways then going on all fours, still attached to the ceiling, splashing bile and blood all over the room, all the while making a "hihihi" sound...childish and terrifying. It ran and ran, repeating the same erratic change in movements, repeating the same eerie giggle until it reached the window, stopping and standing straight, it stared outside for what felt like forever...then all of a sudden...johnny just fell, like whatever was attaching him to the ceiling just gave, headfirst into the floor, giving a very audible cracking sound.
I heard a gasp from johnny's mother. I can at least detect some miniscule chest expansion, but that cracking sound cannot be anything good. As if thinking the same thing, Martha, who was the nearest to where Johnny fell, while still clinging tightly to Diane's rosary, approached the boy.
"Johnny?" She said softly, all the while approaching an inch at a time.
As she was almost at arms length of the boy's body, she gives the mother a knowing look, confirming that he was breathing. Martha suddenly produces a piece of cloth from one of the pockets of her uniform, possibly to pack the bleeding from the head. She intended to put the cloth on top of the boy's head, but looked towards my direction, urging me forward, perhaps for me to place it properly. I walk towards the boy, takes the cloth from Martha and as I fold the cloth to circle Johnny's cranium with Martha's help, the boy immediately sat up, looks at Martha and smiles ear to ear...literally ear to ear.
"GET YOUR WRINKLY HANDS OFF ME YOU DUSTY OLD FUCK!" He barks at her, Martha screams in fear and I was taken aback.
That was all the time Johnny needed to stand and jump towards the window, breaking it and running towards the mountainside. I hear his father scream his name, quickly breaking more glass so he could fit, and immediately giving chase. The mother was still on the floor, wailing towards the direction of her child and husband. Martha, in shock, still holding the cloth she intended to wrap johnny with.
It took me a while to notice Diane shaking me vigorously. "Doctor!" She screams. "Doctor Smith! What should we do!?" She voices out, with obvious desperation.
I ignored her.
I feel scared, but taking all into consideration, I predominantly feel tired. Defeated. Insulted.
I have nothing more to give in the face of whatever that thing that took Johnny was.
I slowly walk towards my desk, I open my drawer, I take a piece of paper and I pull out my pen.
Patient #00001a Name redacted 10/M
I write, giving no thoughts to the people on the same room as me, those left behind by little Johnny and his father. "Did he catch up to him? Was the boy alright now?...is his father alright?" I wonder. I'll find out soon enough, I figured, rumors spread like wildfire around here anyways.
I continued to write with resignment, absorbed in my own little world, consumed by the horror I witnessed, the breaking of my spirit, of my beliefs, the questioning of my knowledge. I want to escape it, deny it, but that's not what should be done to the truth. So I surrendered.

1 To consider possession probably secondary to malevolent spirit

END

I am a university student who just started last year and am thankful to have made a few friends since then. I would consider myself introverted and value my time alone and at home, especially since I commute to school. The friend I’m closest to the most at school has been fun to hang around with on campus during breaks between classes but they often ask me to take them home late after my classes are done and hang out every weekend and often on weekdays. I’ve gladly taken them home a couple of times, but sometimes I’d would’ve preferred going home right after my classes because they take up all of my day. Part of me would like to hang out with them more outside of school but another part of me would strongly prefer to stay home and focus on school (especially since there’s always exams and important assignments I like to take my time preparing for). A reason i’m hesitant to hang out is because I know it takes a long time to drive to their home, where we’d hang out, back to thier house and back to my home (over an hour and a half of commuting). The one time we did hang out earlier this year I commuted over 4 hours over the course of a day and it left me really tired. The first time we hung out they offered to pay for gas which I respectfully declined and now they don’t really offer anymore which is okay but driving around takes up quite a bit of gas. My friend also can’t drive a car so it’s on me to be the driver whenever we hang out. I feel the need to make up excuses but often I legitimately can’t hang out due to family obligations but it feels bad to say no so often. Whenever school is in session, I’d really like to dedicate myself to schoolwork and studying but since I’ve been asked to hang out every week almost every other day it feels hard to focus on school because I’m worrying about being asked to hang out. Now I’ve said that I can hang out tomorrow but I’m not as excited as I think I should be. I only really said yes so that I don’t feel as pressured to hang out for a while after. I don’t know if I’m being too introverted. Part of me thinks I should just suck it up and try to be more social and get out of my comfort zone, and I’m totally cool with hanging out once in a while but I don’t want to be asked to hang out so often. I know as I get older that it might be harder to find friends so I really want to try and maintain friendships I have now but it sometimes feels like I’m doing too much or putting pressure on myself that isn’t even there.

My boyfriend of 5 years is in the mental hospital. He will be there for a while. Unfortunately we have not filed as domestic partners in the state of MA, so I cannot get paid medical leave. But, I can get personal leave, where I'd have to deplete my PTO, and then go unpaid, also losing my health insurance. My job is big on family and may not fire me, but it is not protected as it'd be with FMLA or PMFL leave, so anything can happen... I am scared shitless right now.
The obvious answer is to be there for my partner as he's been there for me before this all happened for so many big life events. But I don't want him to be upset with me for the choice I make. But at the same time, he is struggling so much he doesn't know what I'm doing or even thinking, just knows I am consistently there for him. And I feel that is important for him to know I will show up and be there no matter the weather.
We visit 30 mins per day everyday which is the max we can. Between the facility being an hour away and his phone calls, as well as calls from social workers and providers, it is difficult to work right now. The grief and worry is also engulfing me and I can't concentrate on anything right now.
I think I know what I should do, but am curious what others would do here of if there's anything I am not thinking of. I am fortunate enough to have savings to pay the rent and electricity bills for the time being. I also have state insurance from covid relief days that I can use since I will also lose my paid insurance making this move.
I feel everything happens for a reason. Maybe this is meant to be in some strange way. I don't know.