My name is Dr. Smith, not my real name of course, but for purposes of storytelling it will have to suffice. I have been practicing medicine at an Asian country as a general practitioner. I'm relatively new and I practice at a small village, not too far from civilization, half a day's travel by car and a few hours by boat from the country's capital, but very rural nonetheless, complete with superstitious beliefs and customs. I decided to stay here when I first graduated and passed the licensure exam for two reasons: first, I have a place to stay here, my family's ancestral home (although none of my direct relatives have lived there for years), said ancestors being one of the first people to settle in the area and second, because my family had always been the physicians in this small community as far as anyone remembers. Me, my grandfather and his father before him all went to the city to study medicine and went back here to practice it, like there was a pull, a calling, to sacrifice the convenient, fast-paced city life for the quiet and serene. My mother hated the idea, as clingy as she is to me, saying things like she wanted me to always be around where she could protect me, but you can't really help it when purpose calls. To be honest, it feels good providing a wide range of services to the honest people of our small, humble town, no greater feeling than helping the less privelaged, educating them and dispelling preconceived notions and old wives tales which are aplenty in my country, especially here.
I still recall how everything began. I made a makeshift clinic at one of the rooms of my ancestral home, it used to be my grandfather's office, but it felt old, antique, and perhaps too... professional, nothing wrong with that, but I wanted my patients to feel a more homely setting. So, I rearranged a bit, removed the imposing self portrait of my great-grandfather wearing his white coat that hang on the wall and transferred it to a more private area of the house. I changed the dim, barely functioning lights into brighter, more modern ones, removed the exceedingly extravagant chandelier and equipped the room with materials and equipment that I deemed necessary for my practice. I retained the wooden floors, but outfitted the walls with charts and more colorful decorations, in anticipation for the occasional pediatric patient. It was beginning to look less like an old abandoned house where teenagers went for the spooks and more like a place of healing and betterment, a clean place offering a clean mind...or so I hope.
"Your grandfather would have a heart attack if he wasn't dead already, seeing what you've done with his old clinic" quipped Martha, our housekeeper. All I know about Martha is that my grandfather hired her as a young teen and she has been here since then, she babysat and raised my mother as her own, and even took care of me as a toddler. Considering her age, she mostly supervises the younger and more capable help rather than doing tasks herself. None of them stay at the house, but they get called upon when me or any of my relatives were expected. Most of the family consider her as one of our own at this point.
"Well i'm sure great grandpa on the other hand enjoys the change of view" I replied jokingly. "Besides, I bet the patients would appreciate not being treated in such a dark, gloomy room."
"You know how your grandfather was..." she replies, that the idea of a dark, gloomy, old man liking dark, gloomy, old places was a no brainer. "...but everything aside, it is so nice to see you again, have you been feeling better? What did your mother think of you staying here?" she said with what I felt as outmost sincerity, "I used to chase and carry you around this estate and now look at you, about to carry out your family's legacy as a physician yourself" she continued, with a hint of pride from her tone.
I smiled. I myself couldn't think of a reason why a well respected man, revered even, by this town and it's people for everything he has done would act nonchalant and depressed, always with a jaded look in his eyes and stay in an equally dim and depressing part of his house, I've always known him to be like that, but was he always?
"I am better now. It's good to see you too, I'm glad you're staying healthy, and mom sure did not like it but well...she told me to say hi on her behalf" I told Martha. She beams up and smiles on my mother's mention.
"Well...I took the liberty of digging up your grandfather's documents, records and his patient charts, I doubt many of them still live but I thought maybe you'd like to have a look, I placed them around your desk but I can relocate them if you want me to"
"No, that's perfect. That's something I actually intended to do, i'll give it a read, thank you" I replied. I know some of those patients were either old or probably dead to be honest, but seeing data as well as the cases my grandfather had to deal with might help me in the future.
"The villagers already know Dr. Smith's grandson is here, they know you're a doctor, so expect to have a patient one of these days, perhaps as soon as you give the word that your clinic is open" Martha said, as she walks out of the room smiling and slightly waving, signalling a goodbye.
"I'm not even surprised" I think to myself. Places like these, words spreads like wildfire on topics like these, the idea of someone from a known family, coming back from the city, not to mention deciding to stay indefinitely, like the whole village needed notification, like the village demands explanation.
Hours passed and as I was satisfied with my new setup for the clinic, I took a break, sitting down and looking at the mountain of paperwork and folders placed on and around my desk. I picked one, thinking to myself that I might as well have a look now, with nothing else of note to do.
Patient #010438 Name redacted 43/Female
History of present illness: Patient had 3 day history of undocumented fever, dysuria, and bilateral flank pain Did not seek consult, no medications taken
Past Medical History Unremarkable
Personal and Social History Unremarkable
OB history illegible
Physical Examination BP 110/80 HR 102 RR 20
Nonhyperemic tonsils No murmurs Clear breath sounds Nontender abdomen (+) Kidney punch test
Noted a signature of the patient claiming she was not pregnant as a form of waiver
"Jesus grandpa, couldn't your history and physical exam get any lazier?" I thought to myself. Seeing pertinent history not asked and multiple organ systems ignored on physical examination. Given, some of the writing were already faded, the quality of the paper had deteriorated greatly, and plenty of details already illegible, all in all the documents weren't that bad. It sure doesn't help though that he writes like someone in the middle of a warzone practicing heiroglyphs.
I skimmed through more of the documents and patient files, most of the cases are relatively benign, majority are outpatient visits, some are emergency cases and there are the rare ones requiring transfer to a more developed town hours from here with better services and equipment. Time passed and as I lay down the last folder in a pile, I noticed a moderately sized box, probably the size of a briefcase, placed on the floor, dusty but obviously ornate. It piqued my interest although in my mind, I was pretty sure it was nothing but more documents, I decided to give it a look.
I picked a stack up and I started to read:
Patient #00512c Name redacted 32/Female
"Weird" I thought, it was numbered differently, and definitely none of the other documents were lettered. I continued reading:
History of present illness: This is a case of a 32 year old female who came in on date redacted due to a chief complaint of multiple hematomas, abrasions, burn wounds and lacerations on her face, trunk and extremeties..."
"Trauma? An accident? Possible abuse?" I contemplated.
"...patient allegedly noticed easy bruisability 2 weeks prior to consult, followed by alleged spontaneous appearance of abrasions and lacerations 2-3 days from onset of bruising, supposedly waking the patient at night due to the sudden sharp and searing pain, initially small cuts 3-5cm widest on her extremeties and face but eventually progressing to deep cuts measuring approximately 10-50cm on her back, chest, abdomen and lower extremeties. 1 week prior to consult, patient started noticing burning sensations on her skin, causing extreme pain and leaving reddish burn marks on her body, patient also experienced lack of appetite and inability to sleep due to loud voices and..."
"Spontaneous appearance? Easy bruising could be a lot of things, but for it to occur with 'spontaneous' abrasions and lacerations? Not to mention burn marks?" I thought out loud, having doubts about the credibility of the use of the word "spontaneous". Surely it was not an accident, considering it started 2 weeks ago with noted progression. "It could be a hematologic problem with the bruising, but that wouldn't explain the sudden appearance of cuts...maybe accompanied by a dermatologic one, the patient is prone to breaks in the skin? But then again the burn marks...the voices..." I analyzed. I was leaning towards abuse, where the cuts and bruises were inflicted by someone else and the abused, whether in some form of fear or coping, decides that it was "spontaneous" rather than inflicted, but why bother lying to yourself, perhaps the one who did it to her is a partner? Or a loved one? It made sense, someone progressively becoming more aggressive with her as time went by, becoming more and more extreme, from bruises to eventually burning.
It could a combination of illnesses to be honest, one on top of another, perhaps an overly sensitive or extremely dry skin that breaks and peels until it bleeds, an allergic reaction prompting the patient to unconciously scratch till her skin became red and lichenified, voices due to lack of sleep or a mental disorder. But looking at my grandfather's physical examination of her, none of the findings solidifies the possibility of those i've mentioned. Truth be told I also partially allowed myself to tunnel vision on the prospect of an abuse, to the point I've skipped some of the chart's contents that I deemed weren't important and tried to look for information to support my claim, or perhaps to disprove it, rookie mistake, but well, I am a rookie then.
"Patient is widowed, lives alone at a secluded area near redacted, only goes out to buy some necessities from redacted but has very minimal interaction from anyone in the village"
Okay then, either she is hiding the fact someone was with her, who is abusing her like I initially thought of, or it's self harm. "I'm pretty sure grandpa considered everything that went through my mind right now. Let me check his initial impression" I thought, with a tinge of annoyance, considering I felt that the patient lied to my grandfather, and was lying to me, decades after the fact.

1 Trauma, to consider physical abuse versus self harm;

"Alright, now we're getting somewhere" I said to myself, with a bit of pride having the same thought process as a physician with decades more experience than I do.

2 To consider mental disorder, probably psychotic - premature dementia

I chuckled. Premature dementia, didn't think i'd see that term, I thought everyone including those from his time would have used schizophrenia already, then again medicine and medical knowledge isn't as easily passed around as it is now. Psychiatry as a science would be relatively new during his time compared to other disciplines so the fact he considered it based on the patient hearing "voices"? Bravo gramps.
"Well...", I thought to myself, "...plenty of things to consider and rule out, let me check what else is there." A bit of cockiness on picking my grandfather's brain out and feeling good about my train of thought, a practice consult and so far, I'm on my way to a perfect score...

3. To consider possession probably secondary to malevolent spirit

.................
I gave the document a stern look, unmoving, unblinking, emotionless. Time has stopped, and I haven't noticed. My brain trying to digest the information, the same way my stomach would probably digest a block of steel...it's just not possible. I read one of my grandfather's diagnosis again:

3 To consider possession probably secondary to malevolent spirit

I never been one for faith. Evidence is everything. Science is everything. You can replicate it, you can prove it. Most importantly...It. Makes. Sense. I look at beliefs not based on evidence and feel nothing but skepticism if not disdain. Why won't people listen to expert opinion? Why won't people believe in facts? Why explain the unknown in such convoluted ways, requiring submission of oneself when the only thing the truth requires is but comprehension. I looked at that diagnosis feeling disappointment.
Then I felt anger. "Grandpa, what the fuck is wrong with you?!" I thought to myself. Here is a woman, full of bruises, cuts and burns all over her body, claiming that she has been suffering for weeks, barely eats or sleeps, was having auditory hallucinations, in dire need of medical, if not emotional and psychological support and one of the things that comes across your mind is possession.
I tried to calm my mind, these are records of the past anyway, I thought. Maybe it was a resignation born out of incompetence. Maybe grandpa wasn't as good of a doctor as I thought he was, that the shortcomings of his knowledge and limited technology of his time prompted him to adopt a more...liberal viewpoint to medicine. Maybe he was just superstitious himself. Maybe the people of this place had leaked some of their local beliefs into his psyche. Maybe isolation changed the man. Or maybe...just maybe...there's something to it.
I've never been one for faith. That goes for my faith in science as well. To just say that something is stupid because it doesn't align with standard, accepted scientific belief is just as detrimental as its counterpart.
I decided to investigate further when I heard the entrance to the room open with force. One of the maids leaning onto the wall by the entrance, still grasping the doorknob and evidently out of breath.
"Sir...ma'am Martha...calling...for you...says...it's...it's...an emergency..." She says in between breaths.
I quickly stood up, feeling sorry for the woman, she just ran, obviously gasping for air as she arrived at the clinic and now has to lead me back to wherever she came from with the same urgency. At first I was worried something might have happened with Martha, what the maid said didn't really give much clarity, but upon arriving at the main hall I noticed Martha, standing beside a middle aged man and woman, carrying a child, no more than 10 years old. I notice the clear panic and worry on both of their eyes as the man held the boy, who was uncontrollably shaking.
"I know you're not taking any patients yet and I was considering the time, but nobody knows what to do so I..." Martha explains, quite concerned while I ordered the parents to put the child flat on the ground, with me assessing the situation. The first thing I noticed was that the child was burning hot, "possibly febrile seizure? No, too old" I thought. I asked both the parents important details while I ordered the other maid to time the duration of the child's seizure. All the while thinking of possible diseases that may present as such, "Seizure disorder? Epilepsy? Meningitis? Encephalitis?" Eventually the shaking stopped, much to the parents' relief, and I ordered them to carry the boy as we made our way back to the clinic.
"Was this the first time it ever happened?" I inquired, as I put the child on one of the beds in the clinic, securing the corners with additional pillows, noticing the sunken face and apparent exhaustion from the boy, possibly due to the ongoing fever and the recent seizure episode. Once secured, I face the parents and continued my inquiries, I eventually explained everything, elaborating on what I believe happened, I explained that for now, lowering the fever and investigating the source were what we could address, the battery of tests I plan to do (disappointingly, most of them cannot be done here, and I would have to accompany them to a hospital on another town as soon as first light breaks), and the medications and management I plan to give. Everything proceeded as planned and I asked both parents to relax and take a breather, offering them a seat and asking the help to give them water.
Things eventually settled, little Johnny's fever subsided and color came back to him. Nowhere near clear, he can worsen anytime, but that was the best that we could do at that time. The parents were still worried, understandably so, but to an extent reassured, we have a plan after all. Martha, as well as Diane (the help from earlier), now at a calmer state. We discussed the plan, how we would travel, who would accompany us and what we would bring. Eventually, our conversations became relaxed, started to shift to other things, trivial matters, such as were they lived in the village, the date and time of my arrival, recent gossip, where Martha was more than happy to share.
"I was worried the evil spirits might have gotten my baby..." Said the mother nonchalantly, as we talked about the occurrence on a lighter note. "...that's how they got Mrs. Johnson's middle child. That poor boy was never the same after."
I smiled. Not wanting to immediately correct them and sound like an uptight individual. It's part of our culture afterall, old belief systems and a way for people to cope with loss or difficulty, who was I to deny them that. I won't approach these people the hardheaded way, but I will slowly show them the realities and truths of the things they may not understand, well, at least with regards to their health.
"Well, little Johnny is safe here, we'll do what we can" pointing to their son.
Only, their son wasn't where he was supposed to be. I look at the parents, I look at both Martha and Diane, everyone who looked at where I pointed were just as shocked as I was, a split second of silence before panic ensued. Suddenly, everyone stood up on high alert and was looking everywhere. Under covers, under the bed, corners of the room, the desk, behind curtains, hell, I saw Diane look at one of the damn drawers, as if a 10 year old would fit there.
Suddenly I heard loud vomiting, retching, followed by sounds of splashing. I follow where the sounds came from and see a large pool of black, tarry liquid at a corner of my room. I slowly trace where it was coming from and there he was...little Johnny...standing...upside down...on the ceiling.
I hear everyone in the room scream, I was probably screaming too, I couldn't remember. I do remember little Johnny screaming with us though, extremely high pitched and mockingly, with bloodshot eyes, upside down, while black liquid poured from his mouth, covering his face and dripping from his hair. How was that even possible, screaming while liters of unknown fluid dripped from his mouth? I don't know.
Then he laughed, although I was pretty sure that wasn't his voice. It was deep and guttural, it cannot be the boy's voice, it cannot be any boy's voice.
Time seemed to move in slow motion, I was noticing every detail, every expression from everyone's face, I can feel the seconds hand on my wall clock move, the slow dripping of the viscous dark liquid from little Johnny, I can feel every drop of sweat on my body. I could not cope with what i'm experiencing, was it a trick of the mind, an organized prank, have I gone mad...again? So I did the only thing I know how to do...
I tried to diagnose.
"Maybe it was dengue shock all along!" I thought to myself. "Vomiting blood, paleness, fever, an episode of seizure and definitely change in sensorium" I reasoned to myself. I was coping, and I was coping hard. I was ready to drown on my self absorbtion when a booming voice snapped me out of my thoughts.
"YOU DUMB FUCK, WILL ANY ILLNESS EXPLAIN WHY YOUR FUCKING PATIENT IS HANGING UPSIDE DOWN ON THE FUCKING CEILING?" Said little Johnny, or at least whoever was speaking on his behalf, because from where I'm standing, I can clearly see that the boy was not mouthing any of the words he said.
"YOU'RE A FUCKING FAILURE, DOCTORS LIKE YOU SHOULD KILL THEMSELVES! HAHAHAHA" he laughed, I never knew laughs could sound like that, as if the words were nails, and his voice box a chalkboard.
"OH WAIT, YOU FAILED AT THAT TOO DOC! FUCKING PATHETIC!"
Of all the things that were happening...a young boy hanging upside down, a mother crying on the floor hysterically, a father staring at his son, eyes wide open and mouth agape, Martha and Diane, both crying while sharing a rosary, in the act of what I assume to be prayer...the thing that snapped me out of my trance was the words that came from little Johnny. Knowledge nobody but the closest to me should know. A secret I planned to leave behind when I left the city, a wound I intended to forget as I started anew.
Visions of my memories came flashing back...medical school...overwhelming duty...familial expectations...failure...depression...my attempt...a bottle of medications...my mother...crying...on my bedside...
"LEAVE MY SON ALONE!" Johnny's father screamed. Starling everyone in the room.
Nothing matters, the past is in the past, I am better now, and that boy needs help, more than anything.
"YOUR SON? WHY DON'T WE ASK THAT CRYING WHORE IF JOHNNY REALLY IS YOUR SON" The voice says, laughing.
At that point the mother stops crying, looks up towards johnny, then towards his husband, in a state of shock. Like what the voice said is crazier than whatever was happening at the moment.
"THE ONLY REASON THAT WHORE STUCK WITH YOU WAS BECAUSE JOHNNY'S REAAAAAAAL FATHER WOULD NOT TAKE HER!" The entity says, continuing the hysteric laughter.
We were being played. It was toying with us. And from the look on the mother's face...it seems like little Johnny did not even need to lie to do it.
Then, to everyone's horror..."It" started to run.
It ran across the ceiling in a rabid frenzy, erratic and forceful, running and jumping, hopping sideways then going on all fours, still attached to the ceiling, splashing bile and blood all over the room, all the while making a "hihihi" sound...childish and terrifying. It ran and ran, repeating the same erratic change in movements, repeating the same eerie giggle until it reached the window, stopping and standing straight, it stared outside for what felt like forever...then all of a sudden...johnny just fell, like whatever was attaching him to the ceiling just gave, headfirst into the floor, giving a very audible cracking sound.
I heard a gasp from johnny's mother. I can at least detect some miniscule chest expansion, but that cracking sound cannot be anything good. As if thinking the same thing, Martha, who was the nearest to where Johnny fell, while still clinging tightly to Diane's rosary, approached the boy.
"Johnny?" She said softly, all the while approaching an inch at a time.
As she was almost at arms length of the boy's body, she gives the mother a knowing look, confirming that he was breathing. Martha suddenly produces a piece of cloth from one of the pockets of her uniform, possibly to pack the bleeding from the head. She intended to put the cloth on top of the boy's head, but looked towards my direction, urging me forward, perhaps for me to place it properly. I walk towards the boy, takes the cloth from Martha and as I fold the cloth to circle Johnny's cranium with Martha's help, the boy immediately sat up, looks at Martha and smiles ear to ear...literally ear to ear.
"GET YOUR WRINKLY HANDS OFF ME YOU DUSTY OLD FUCK!" He barks at her, Martha screams in fear and I was taken aback.
That was all the time Johnny needed to stand and jump towards the window, breaking it and running towards the mountainside. I hear his father scream his name, quickly breaking more glass so he could fit, and immediately giving chase. The mother was still on the floor, wailing towards the direction of her child and husband. Martha, in shock, still holding the cloth she intended to wrap johnny with.
It took me a while to notice Diane shaking me vigorously. "Doctor!" She screams. "Doctor Smith! What should we do!?" She voices out, with obvious desperation.
I ignored her.
I feel scared, but taking all into consideration, I predominantly feel tired. Defeated. Insulted.
I have nothing more to give in the face of whatever that thing that took Johnny was.
I slowly walk towards my desk, I open my drawer, I take a piece of paper and I pull out my pen.
Patient #00001a Name redacted 10/M
I write, giving no thoughts to the people on the same room as me, those left behind by little Johnny and his father. "Did he catch up to him? Was the boy alright now?...is his father alright?" I wonder. I'll find out soon enough, I figured, rumors spread like wildfire around here anyways.
I continued to write with resignment, absorbed in my own little world, consumed by the horror I witnessed, the breaking of my spirit, of my beliefs, the questioning of my knowledge. I want to escape it, deny it, but that's not what should be done to the truth. So I surrendered.

1 To consider possession probably secondary to malevolent spirit

END

I am not crying but I do want to cry for days now but I can‘t? It‘s like feeling numb
Even though I have supportive friends and a family they sometimes don‘t know how to handle it
My best friend doesn‘t know what to answer me when I come to her about such things
My mum doesn‘t know how to respond either other than just listening and hugging me
I don‘t and haven‘t had therapy for a while bcs I just got out of a mental hospital(went there everyday and then back home) and am searching for a therapist right now.
(For ages: I‘m 17 and the people referred in the story are 15)
Now: I have had relationships, they ended all good somewhat, I‘m still friends with close to all of my exes(except one) or I have had a talk with them about our relationship and now we send texts to each other here and then
So, when I was at the mental hospital I met two girls. At first I thought one of them was really cute then the other confessed she liked me. I got really confused and gave a lot of thought to things and chose to go on a date with the one who was interested in me. (I wanted to go on a date with both but i never got to ask the other girl bcs she always was picke by her grandma and I didn’t find the right time to ask her) I mean, a date wont be bad to figure out I‘d like either of them??? (To be clear: I thought that both of them are cute. Nothing really more) the way that the girl who thought she had feelings for me gave me attention and love made me like her. For the other one, she knew from the start I thought both were cute. I constantly felt like an ass kind of leading them on, I wont excuse myself for that. At the date I had(I‘ll refer to the girl who liked me a lot as Amy(not real name)) with amy, she shortly, before the date happened m, asked if 2 other friends could tag along. I made another mistake by saying alright(I thought she was scared and needed backup or sum) the first girl(gonna call her coral) did not show much interest. She said she thought I was cute too and always tagged along anywhere we went. This is the first time I had something with a girl. I did know I was bi/omni before that but it was real knowing I don‘t only simp for attractive woman online, but also wanting something in real life. Since coral didn‘t show much interest and there was a spark between me and amy I asked amy to be my gf. After some weeks I broke it off with her because I noticed things about her that I couldn‘t like. I thought about that every day, why I didn‘t like these things even though I liked her and we had a healthy relationship(communication, honesty, meet ups and all that). Coral also was in the back of my mind so I told amy all this and why I thought it was better that way. She was pissed at coral, understandable, but I wanted her to know it wasn‘t coral‘s fault but mine at leading her on. I was playing with her and I really hate that I did that. After 3 weeks of our breakup I did write amy once or twice, as friends tho, also leaving her be and letting her heal. Again I know that what I did was wrong and I‘m a dick here
After that I asked coral how her pov about all that was. She said she thought I was cute, I did chose amy over her and we are friends, but it didn‘t bother her. I asked if she still had interest in me and she said yes. So I apologized for doing what I did and asked if she wanted to go on a date, she said yes and I think it was fun.(before I asked her, some weeks went by and since we saw eachother every day I did feel like I started having a crush on her. I told her that face to face and she was happy and said she was really happy about that. It was also my last week at the mental hospital, so yeah) We went to her place bcs I wanted to drop her off and she lived like 15 minutes away(I live like an hour away). I was invited and had a fun talk with her fam and her until I needed to go home. I wrote her that I had fun and hoped she did too, she said she enjoyed it. A week later or si I went to visit the mental hospital to greet her and some friends who stayed like 2 weeks longer. I like to write silly letters with feelings bcs it‘s one of my love languages. I wrote her one and gave it to her, on it was a questiom saying if I could take her on another date. I put boxes and she didn‘t answer them. I asked her if she and everything was alright, then she told me she might like someone else too. Just needed to figure out if it‘s platonic or not. She also said she liked the attention I give her and that she never really know‘s if she likes the people or not; and that she struggled with selflove and needed time to get herself fixed before a relationship. I accepted that and told her she can have enough time as she needs and that I‘ll be waiting and that she doesn‘t need to stress abt me waiting. We‘ll have some sort of break. Only thing I‘d want is to still be able to meet her so her decision about me was easier.(it‘s similar to mine from before, I didn‘t have enough time to get to know either of them) Ok reading the last sentence makes me sound like I wanted enough time with both until I chose the better one, which isn‘t true. I only wanted to figure out if I liked either if them that way. And they knew. She did agree and we stayed in kind of low contact I did ask if I stepped over any comfort zone She said no I didn‘t want to push the answer So, yeah. Weeks after, when I felt I was allowed to ask without stepping over the line, I asked if she knows already and if she does like me back. If she likes me or that other friend of hers. I said: „Hey, if you want we can be open friends(not wanting to stress her to answer again) as in if we figure things out we tell eachother and see where it takes us? Cuz I still I like you. Like a lot. More than before bcs I keep thinking about you but I don‘t want to stress you or bother you :)“ Her: „yeah we can be friends but just so you know I have feelings for someone else.“
Hit me like a brick. Bcs all those weeks I did know there might be someone else but it didn‘t feel like she would lead me on. Should have seen it coming lol
I took that and stayed friends. I did stop writing her as much as I did before, but we did play video games here and then, today we did and I noticed her bio on her discord saying „I lov my gf“ My heart sank to my feet and I excused myself from our call. Her telling me she needed to fix herself with self love felt like a lie? Like that was fast- was I pushing???
I get that this is karma and I always knew this was a possibility but I guess I should have just not have contact with her at all after she told me she didn‘t like me like that My bad
Sorry again I just needed to tell someone before I start self blame and pity again Though, was it entirely my bad? Did I push her? Was it because I made that huge mistake and chose amy even though I didn‘t know amy as much as I thought?? Was it ok for her to make me feel we‘ll have smt or if I was to oblivious to anything she might have made or said?
I don‘t pity myself, I‘m just overthinking and dn‘t want to keep botteling this up inside me
Thanks if you have read this far! (I‘m genderfluid, mostly girl btw) (Reminder to drink water🏃)

I want to share my love of this genre with my little brother however I am not sure if defiance is appropriate for that age range or not and if not do you have a suggestion

Me(Pre-HRT/Pre-Op Trans lesbian) and my current girllove(Considers herself more on the Cis side and maybe Pansexual?) have been together for almost a month now, and I am just wanting some advice on some things if at all possible. I do not need anything too much, but after my whatever happened with my ex, I do not want to repeat some things. I also am just curious how to be able to keep a long-distance relationship easily. I love my current girllove so much, and we really do not want to lose each other because of complications with dating online/long-distance or just other general problems. Any tips/tricks/advice for me, no, us to keep in mind?
I am absolutely willing to provide more information as needed! (Other than locations and ages of course!)
P.S. We are trying to avoid repeating as much of our past traumas as possible(As mentioned before), and we are not entirely planning on being sexual, even for a while after meeting up in-person. Apologies if something is wrong in my post.
Many thanks in advance, Kenamī/Khīyra (She/Her)

I have moved from my small home town to a city and left my partner and my dog whom I really love. We have been together for 3 years. (I’m 22 he is 27) I’m now living with my brother and his missus in Sydney. They kindly let me live in their spare bedroom. I wanted to leave my home town because I wanted to be closer with family (my family lives here except for my dad) as well as seeing what it is like to live away from my home town, I got kind of sick of living in my home town and just wanted to spread my wings a little. I just had this itch to do so. Just needed a change. Maybe try and find myself a career or a job that’s not cleaning. I felt like it would be good for my self confidence. I was unemployed for the first month but then finally got a job as a Dental Assistant trainee. I’ve only been working since middle of March. It is a 45 min drive to and from work and I’m only getting paid $23/hr 3-4 days a week. It’s actually such a shit job tbh with you. I’m really struggling with it all financially, I just got my car serviced and there’s like 10 things wrong with it and if I get it fixed I will be paying more than what it’s worth. On top of that I feel so stressed more than ever living here in sydney. The more I live here the more I hate it. I’m depressed as well. I don’t know what I want to do as a career, I am lost. I have no direction in life or passion for anything. People my age have already completed their uni degree and are making 6 figures. Thinking about moving back in with my boyfriend in my home town but don’t know what that will bring me for my future. He reckons we will put our money together and buy a house? How is that even possible when houses are $1M. I don’t have any skills other than cleaning and working in a fish and chip shop. I’m so hopeless. How would I be able to support him financially as well if I can’t support myself? My family is against me moving back there because they see no future for m in the small town and with that guy. Let’s be honest when I was having fights with him I would go to my sister or brother to vent. And it’s probably made him look like a bad guy. He’s a good guy. Because I vented to them about him, they may be biased if I asked for dating advice. I feel this tug of war between my family and my boyfriend. But I feel like if I would be moving back, it would be out of guilt and a “give up” on myself. He s probably going to be like I told you it wouldn’t work out and you didn’t listen to me. Another huge hit to the self esteem. I have experience childhood trauma with a broken family and it’s like I’m reliving it because I’m torn between people and places. I remember when i was a kid I would feel guilty being with one parent and vice versa. I feel so shit about myself and like a complete failure. I just don’t know what to do. People say that people end up like their parents and my boyfriends dad is very narcissistic and he literally tells you that he is better than everyone and smartest. He’s pretty cluey though. Also a womaniser. I do see a lot of his dad in my boyfriend. My gut is telling me that he’s not the right person to marry. But living here in sydney is giving me so much stress. Maybe I cut ties with everyone and move to another city? But I feel like no matter where I go my depression will follow me. I have no friends or unbiased family to ask advice. Bf is putting a timer on and saying he’s not going to wait for me and just stick around for me to fall back on if things don't work out. that is how he said his feeling. i feel like a terrible partner for making him feel this way. i would be letting down my siblings and family if i go back to my home town and live with him. what is the right thing to do? I have no clue. I’m literally sitting here in my room like a red hot mess.. people would probably think I’m on crack, haven’t slept.

Long post! Sorry IA
A little background:
I [21F] have had an unfortunate life so far. Without deep elucidation, I come from a broken home yet was somehow blessed enough to attend a college far away from my hometown. Part of my childhood included having a neglectful father who fully abandoned me when I was 10. This obviously set a dangerous precedent for my relationships with men. I’ve spent the past few years healing and discovering myself, as every young adult does.
I had a relationship with a man [M29] when I was 19; he was 27. I didn’t have a high school sweetheart, so he was my first love and relationship. The age gap didn’t disturb me, because I “dated” older men throughout high school and naturally got along with older people because I’m an only child. Things went well overall but we dated for only 3 months because of the fact that he was an expat who had to leave the country at a set time. If he fully immigrated to the US, I have a feeling we’d still be together. Despite the age gap, we clicked very well and shared similar interests/beliefs.
We’ve sort of been on and off throughout the past couple of years through texting. I studied abroad in the country he lives in last fall but he expressed little to no interest in seeing me on account of his “new relationship”. I have suspicion that he had a girlfriend throughout his time abroad and was cheating on her with me, and they got back together when he returned (I really hope I’m wrong). Despite him being in a relationship with someone else, he continuously attempted to sext with me. Nearly every conversation we’ve had since he left has turned sexual by his doing. It just seems like he doesn’t want to know me as a person; the opposite of what he showed me when we were together physically. He says he broke up with the girl (who’s his age) a little bit ago.
Here are a few things he’s done that have been red flags (in hindsight):

• Continues to try to get me to lose weight by encouraging me to work out in very subtle ways (even though he knows I’ve struggled with body dysmorphia and eating issues)
• Liked when I got a Brazilian wax because he “prefers it that way”
• Doesn’t communicate openly and shuts down when confronted (he ignores my calls/texts when he knows there’s potential for me to talk to him about the state of our relationship and who he is)
• Kept our relationship a secret from everyone in his family and circle of friends. He’s hid his life from me other than basic facts (his siblings, schooling, etc).
• There are probably other things I’m missing, but he has this weird vibe overall. I had two housemates (who were also 19) when we dated and he confessed that he had crushes on them after we broke up. He tried giving wine to one of them one night when I wasn’t looking. Wtf?

He’s planning on coming to the city where I live in September, mainly to catch up with old friends. He said he wants to see me then, but does he just want sex? He’s alluded to the possibility of rekindling things but his mannerisms continue to confuse me. I’m not sure where to go from here. I can’t lose him because it’ll be my worst heartbreak and I’ll feel like a failure because most of the girls I grew up with are married now. He’s broken my heart many times already and I know the final blow will be devastating. He refuses to be honest with me and isn’t the same guy I met almost 2 years ago. People tell me he’s not good for me but at the risk of sounding piteous, I don’t believe I can do any better.
TDLR: Dated a man almost a decade older than me during my sophomore year of college and I don’t know how to get out of it or if I should break things off. I feel trapped and am starting to feel anxious around him.

I have moved from my small home town to a city and left my partner and my dog whom I really love. We have been together for 3 years. (I’m 22 he is 27) I’m now living with my brother and his missus in Sydney. They kindly let me live in their spare bedroom. I wanted to leave my home town because I wanted to be closer with family (my family lives here except for my dad) as well as seeing what it is like to live away from my home town, I got kind of sick of living in my home town and just wanted to spread my wings a little. I just had this itch to do so. Just needed a change. Maybe try and find myself a career or a job that’s not cleaning. I felt like it would be good for my self confidence. I was unemployed for the first month but then finally got a job as a Dental Assistant trainee. I’ve only been working since middle of March. It is a 45 min drive to and from work and I’m only getting paid $23/hr 3-4 days a week. It’s actually such a shit job tbh with you. I’m really struggling with it all financially, I just got my car serviced and there’s like 10 things wrong with it and if I get it fixed I will be paying more than what it’s worth. On top of that I feel so stressed more than ever living here in sydney. The more I live here the more I hate it. I’m depressed as well. I don’t know what I want to do as a career, I am lost. I have no direction in life or passion for anything. People my age have already completed their uni degree and are making 6 figures. Thinking about moving back in with my boyfriend in my home town but don’t know what that will bring me for my future. He reckons we will put our money together and buy a house? How is that even possible when houses are $1M. I don’t have any skills other than cleaning and working in a fish and chip shop. I’m so hopeless. How would I be able to support him financially as well if I can’t support myself? My family is against me moving back there because they see no future for m in the small town and with that guy. Let’s be honest when I was having fights with him I would go to my sister or brother to vent. And it’s probably made him look like a bad guy. He’s a good guy. Because I vented to them about him, they may be biased if I asked for dating advice. I feel this tug of war between my family and my boyfriend. But I feel like if I would be moving back, it would be out of guilt and a “give up” on myself. He s probably going to be like I told you it wouldn’t work out and you didn’t listen to me. Another huge hit to the self esteem. I have experience childhood trauma with a broken family and it’s like I’m reliving it because I’m torn between people and places. I remember when i was a kid I would feel guilty being with one parent and vice versa. I feel so shit about myself and like a complete failure. I just don’t know what to do. People say that people end up like their parents and my boyfriends dad is very narcissistic and he literally tells you that he is better than everyone and smartest. He’s pretty cluey though. Also a womaniser. I do see a lot of his dad in my boyfriend. My gut is telling me that he’s not the right person to marry. But living here in sydney is giving me so much stress. Maybe I cut ties with everyone and move to another city? But I feel like no matter where I go my depression will follow me. I have no friends or unbiased family to ask advice. Bf is putting a timer on and saying he’s not going to wait for me and just stick around for me to fall back on if things don't work out. that is how he said his feeling. i feel like a terrible partner for making him feel this way. i would be letting down my siblings and family if i go back to my home town and live with him. what is the right thing to do? I have no clue. I’m literally sitting here in my room like a red hot mess.. people would probably think I’m on crack, haven’t slept.

Timestamp: https://imgur.com/a/yXNxqOM
Aimpoint Comp ML2 - Like new in box. If you're allergic to sodium, this is your guy. Does not appear to have ever been used; I only mounted it. 4 MOA is ultra bright, original 1/3N battery is still fresh. Glass is perfect. Includes Aimpoint flip-up covers. Box includes original Aimpoint manual covering the Comp M and 9000 series. - $335 shipped
KAC RAS - Vero Beach marked, 07/13/99 born on date. Some salt present, but otherwise pretty solid condition, especially for age. Bought from a user on here as part of set. RIS lower, marking font matches upper exactly. Both upper and lower rail are phone number marked (561 represent) - $285 shipped
Colt C stamp upper - Near mint condition upper. No more than a few hundred rounds through it at absolute most, and likely way less, None by me. Hardly any wear on the interior. Only salt to be found is a speck on the case deflector and at T1-T2. Subdued T marks. Proof mark forward of ejector port. Perfect for a proper clone build. - $235 shipped
Colt carry handle - Actual Colt handle. Square Forge. 6920 take-off purchased from Green Oak Armory. Looks new to me, no salt. I mounted it once and then removed it. - $69 shipped
Surefire m951 - Excellent condition. Gen 2 body (not 3). Very minimal salt on head (pictured) and nowhere else. Sat on a safe queen. Clean body. Clean glass. Original MN10 bulb installed. Old style ST07 tapeswitch included, also in excellent shape. Everything works exactly as it should. Full disclosure: the small plastic XM00 cover has separated from tailcap but works perfect and will be included. (Light diffuser also included but needs adapter for use on this light.) - $185 shipped
Colt ambi safety - Excellent condition. Cage code marked. Used by me for 200-300 rounds and no more. Colt cage code marked. I gently removed what little carbon there was. - $34 shipped
KAC rail covers - Excellent unfired condition. 11-rib, y'all already know what it is. These were purchased new by me as part of an '07 dated RAS set. Only mounted and removed. (You guys shoot your guns?) - $34 shipped
Dibs here first then PM. Thanks.

I have moved from my small home town to a city and left my partner and my dog whom I really love. We have been together for 3 years. (I’m 22 he is 27) I’m now living with my brother and his missus in Sydney. They kindly let me live in their spare bedroom. I wanted to leave my home town because I wanted to be closer with family (my family lives here except for my dad) as well as seeing what it is like to live away from my home town, I got kind of sick of living in my home town and just wanted to spread my wings a little. I just had this itch to do so. Just needed a change. Maybe try and find myself a career or a job that’s not cleaning. I felt like it would be good for my self confidence. I was unemployed for the first month but then finally got a job as a Dental Assistant trainee. I’ve only been working since middle of March. It is a 45 min drive to and from work and I’m only getting paid $23/hr 3-4 days a week. It’s actually such a shit job tbh with you. I’m really struggling with it all financially, I just got my car serviced and there’s like 10 things wrong with it and if I get it fixed I will be paying more than what it’s worth. On top of that I feel so stressed more than ever living here in sydney. The more I live here the more I hate it. I’m depressed as well. I don’t know what I want to do as a career, I am lost. I have no direction in life or passion for anything. People my age have already completed their uni degree and are making 6 figures. Thinking about moving back in with my boyfriend in my home town but don’t know what that will bring me for my future. He reckons we will put our money together and buy a house? How is that even possible when houses are $1M. I don’t have any skills other than cleaning and working in a fish and chip shop. I’m so hopeless. How would I be able to support him financially as well if I can’t support myself? My family is against me moving back there because they see no future for m in the small town and with that guy. Let’s be honest when I was having fights with him I would go to my sister or brother to vent. And it’s probably made him look like a bad guy. He’s a good guy. Because I vented to them about him, they may be biased if I asked for dating advice. I feel this tug of war between my family and my boyfriend. But I feel like if I would be moving back, it would be out of guilt and a “give up” on myself. He s probably going to be like I told you it wouldn’t work out and you didn’t listen to me. Another huge hit to the self esteem. I have experience childhood trauma with a broken family and it’s like I’m reliving it because I’m torn between people and places. I remember when i was a kid I would feel guilty being with one parent and vice versa. I feel so shit about myself and like a complete failure. I just don’t know what to do. People say that people end up like their parents and my boyfriends dad is very narcissistic and he literally tells you that he is better than everyone and smartest. He’s pretty cluey though. Also a womaniser. I do see a lot of his dad in my boyfriend. My gut is telling me that he’s not the right person to marry. But living here in sydney is giving me so much stress. Maybe I cut ties with everyone and move to another city? But I feel like no matter where I go my depression will follow me. I have no friends or unbiased family to ask advice. Bf is putting a timer on and saying he’s not going to wait for me and just stick around for me to fall back on if things don't work out. that is how he said his feeling. i feel like a terrible partner for making him feel this way. i would be letting down my siblings and family if i go back to my home town and live with him. what is the right thing to do? I have no clue. I’m literally sitting here in my room like a red hot mess.. people would probably think I’m on crack, haven’t slept.

my friend (18 f) has been sending me (18 f) mixed signals since fall last year and it dont really know what to make of it. for context, ive been and out lesbian since middle school and i met this girl at the beginning of junior year through one of my childhood friends. I sat with my childhood friend and her friend group for lunch because she offered and i didnt have anyone else to sit with. throughout the year i got close to all of them and they ended up being my main friend group that year and me and this one girl especially got close. we just really hit it off and were really good friends. that summer i had this group over a couple of times and we hung out a bunch. my timeline of all the important events to the story are kinda janky but im gonna do my best to them in order. summer rolls around and everything is fine, me and this girl get even more close and were basically texting everyday about random stuff, just being friends. it isnt until senior year started that everything started being weird. when i got my schedule for the year i realized i had none of my friends in any classes, i didnt know anyone so i didnt see that group during the day but we all talked and stuff outside of school. she held a halloween party every year and i went, me her and my childhood friend went to a pumpkin patch, normal stuff. some time passes and one night in novemeber we get to texting. we had been doing this thing for a few weeks where shed ask me for a movie recommendation and live text me as she watched it. so were watching the movie and texting and somehow the conversation took a turn to the topic of relationships. she was just venting to me about all her insecurities and fears when it comes to talking to people and i was offering m support, me and my friends vent to each other all the time so it was pretty normal. she had identified as bi for as long as id known her but had beeing talking about how she thought she was only attracted to men and that all the girls shed either liked or pursued she envied or was jealous of in some capacity. i told her i totally understood and was offering as much support as i could having very similar experiences with me. as the convo went on i started giving more input not wanting to seem uninterested to i started telling her some of the things im insecure about in relationships (i have zero experience when it comes to this stuff, ive never even talked to a girl before but i still have my issues) and everytime i listed one, she would say something like 'but i like that in a person'. the first time i didnt think much of it but it became a pattern after the next 5 times and soon after that she sent the message 'if only you were a boy or i liked girls'. i think its self explanatory as to why thats shitty but it didnt really bother me in the moment, i thought it was weird but i dont think it had hit me. soon after that night, wed gone to my childhood friends birthday party and everything was fine. the next weekend she asked me to go to six flags with her, and the way she worded it made it sound like it was gonna be a group thing but it ended up being just us. it was a pretty normal hangout, i mean there was an appropriate amount of awkwardness but we both just really enjoyed each others company. i went to the school musical to see her and a couple of my other friends about a month after that but she gradually stopped texting and i stopped texting first and we didnt talk from january to march after that. then after two months of no communiction, she invited me to her birthday pool party. now forgive me if im reading too far into this, but seeing someone for the first time in months while youre all half naked is kinda weird, no? anyways i go to the party and its very awkward. i hadnt seen anyone all year especially her and i just tried to make the best of the situation. that night we had our first convo since our 'hiatus' and i ended up watching a movie she reccommended. few days after that, we started talking semi regualry again and i told her i missed talking to her because i did and we just kinda caught each other up on stuff that had happened since we last talked. we went to another party for another one of our friends and stayed up to listen to the new taylor swift album together but its evident we arent as close or as comfortable as we used to be. prom rolls around and she makes dinner reservations for our group, one of our friends gets a last minute date and she makes a big deal over adding him so late bc it was a hassle but added someone upon my request immediately. prom night she also avoided eye contact with me a bit at dinner and i didnt see her a whole lot at the dance itself. the last few songs i was with her and a couple of our other friends singing and dancing (she wouldnt make eyecontact with me at all while we were btw) and to my surprise, when all walked off and one of the last slow dances started she asked me to dance. i said yes because why not, its prom and we danced. it wasnt anything weird or awkward, it was actually really nice. after the dance, our whole big group went and hungout at her house after and she didnt really acknowledge me. like usually when shes avoiding me i can tell, but she just didnt even acknowldge my existence really. its the day after, prom was last night and i don't really know how to feel. i guess im just askinf for advice on what to make of this or whether i should ask her about any of this? i dont really know.

Hi everyone! Long time lurker, first time poster.
Like the title says, I'm stuck in a tough situation with my (24F) boyfriend (21M) of ten months and... well, I don't really know what to do, if anything. This is going to be a lengthy post!
To give some important background: We are a mostly medium distance couple. We go to different colleges, about four hours away from each other, but during breaks he moves back home to his family, which is the same town I live in. During this last school year we were visiting each other every weekend, which honestly proved to be way too stressful and overwhelming for me. Now it's summer, though and, like I said, he's back here living with his family for the break. We met last summer and our honeymoon phase was great! Lots of good sex, fun dates, and really just excitement from being so into someone, but the honeymoon phase is over now and I'm seeing some hugely glaring issues.
We, or I guess mostly I, have been having issues since spring break when he came to stay with me for the week. Seems like a dream come true for a medium-distance couple, right? Wrong!!! I felt so smothered that at one point even him touching me felt like acid. On top of this experience, I had a really demanding spring semester, I started a new SSRI, and all those months of having little to no alone time because I was spending every single weekend (literally Thursday night to Sunday morning) with him was starting to burn me out. This is probably a good time to mention that I struggle with avoidant attachment tendencies. I had to learn independence at a young age, so when things get hard or overwhelming I go inward every single time. I have been actively working on being more comfortable with vulnerability, but I still don't like to share my feelings until I've figured out what they are and where they're coming from. He, on the other hand, struggles with anxious attachment and has never been in a relationship with someone who is avoidant (or someone who is neurodivergent, like I am). This leads us misunderstanding each other pretty often.
After spring break, we texted each other less and less and when we did text it was almost entirely NPC dialogue. "Hey, how are you?" "I'm good! How are you?" "Aw, that's good. I'm good :) My day was really good." And not much else. I was starting to feel... flighty and trapped, but I didn't know why so I never told him and I didn't think the feeling would manifest into anything.
Then one weekend in April he came to stay the weekend with me. This was a rough time. My grandmother was staying with me, visiting from out of state, it was show week for a production I had been working on almost all semester (theatre ppl know how fucking stressful show week can be), and I was preparing for finals. I was also feeling some side effects from my Lexapro, like no sex drive and emotional blunting. Over the weekend he begged me for sex, which I gave into a couple of times just so he would stop whining, but one night in particular really upset me because he legitimately would not stop. I would try to change the subject, and within two minutes he'd say something like, "Give me two reasons you don't want to have sex!" When I held my boundary firm, he pouted and went to bed. After he went home for the week, he acknowledged that what he did was not cool and apologized, but I could not look at him the same after that. My feelings of being smothered and trapped only intensified. About a week after that, we had an honest discussion about my feelings and mutually decided to go on a break so that we could both focus on our finals.
I had been feeling like there has to be something wrong with me, like these relationship issues are happening because I'm of flawed character or something, but during our break I started to feel better than I have this entire year so far and I realized that there's nothing actually wrong with me, I'm just 24 years old and out of the six years I've officially been an adult, I've spent probably five and a half years in three relationships. I realized that I want to be my own person and that I want to decenter both men and romantic relationships all together in my life.
Here's where we get into the problem at hand.
I tried to break up with him when summer break started and we saw each other in person for the first time in two weeks. I realized that doing what is best for me was going to inevitably result in him being neglected and resenting me. I don't want that to happen! I told him that I didn't think we were on the same page and that we're more incompatible than I thought, but he disagreed and basically said he would sacrifice anything to be with me. I told him I don't want to be in an unbalanced relationship like that, but we stayed together. We agreed that I would do whatever it is that I need to do to satisfy my craving for independence and he will just sit back, and he's okay with that as long as he "doesn't lose [me]".
That was almost three weeks ago and my feelings of suffocation subsided for a bit, but they're back in full force after an argument we got into last week about some stupid miscommunication. We've barely been texting, mostly just good morning/good night stuff, and we haven't seen each other at all, He wants to come spend the night in a few days, but I'm not even sure if I want him to.
Don't get me wrong, I love him (I think I do, anyway) and neither of us have done anything wrong to the other person.
You're probably like, "Girl, break up with him already," which, yeah, I agree, but like I said I tried and got nowhere. I have a feeling that breaking up is going to be almost impossible, unless he somehow comes to see my point of us being incompatible. I honestly don't believe that he's going to be okay with me doing what I want to do, focusing on myself, decentering our relationship from my life, because it is going to end up with him feeling neglected. It would look like us talking to each other very little, seeing each other even less, and me not having sex unless I want to (which is going to be very, very little because of the Lexapro impacting my sex drive). I know these things are going to bother him, especially the sex.
Is it manipulative to go through with our plan of me doing "whatever" to focus on myself when I feel like the result is going to be him feeling insecure in our relationship? I tried to tell him, to get him to think about it, but he feels so strongly that it won't impact him negatively. It's not like I'm purposefully trying to get him to break up with me, but another part of me doesn't really care if he does-- even maybe hopes that he does (idk, feelings I haven't analyzed yet). I don't feel strongly enough to try to break up with him a second time yet... but maybe I should? I know that we will, sooner or later.
But, maybe this is me overanalyzing everything. Or maybe I'm a villain, I honestly can't tell.
TLDR;
Tried to break up with BF over basic incompatibility (I want to be independent and focus on myself, he wants a committed relationship), BF says he's fine with me doing whatever I feel like I need to do to focus on myself, but I know that it's going to make him feel insecure and anxious over time. I feel like we will break up sooner or later, but I don't feel strongly enough to try to break up with him a second time. Is it manipulative to go through with our plan of me focusing on myself even though I know it will come at a detriment to our relationship, and maybe secretly hope that it does, to make him see our incompatibilities?
Thank you <3

[ First / Previous ]
Memory Transcription Subject: Hileen, Krakotl Fugitive Recovery Agent
Date [standardized human time]: November 28th, 2136
It'd been a while since I sat in Marlig's office for a talk face-to-face. Given the agency's secluded location at the edge of the downtown region, it was a chore to drop by when it wasn't for business, but I'd deemed the matter at hand to be worth my time.
I passed by Nampi at her desk on my way to the door and she gave me a coy glare as I carried on. Trying to ignore her risible ear waggle, I turned the corner to the door with my boss’s name painted on the glass panel where I could hear the frantic crumpling of paper.
Quietly, I entered Marlig's office without prompt as I knew he hated to be spooked by knocking. My mentor was surprisingly spry for a bird at his age, sorting through papers with one wing and an eye while using his talons with the other to set away the papers he had splayed out.
“Hileen!” he chirped. “Glad you could make it in today. I was just finishing up my paperwork. Take a seat.”
It was always nice to hear him drop the professional motif for a more grandfatherly attitude when speaking in person. I did as he suggested and took a seat while he grumbled to himself over the sorting. My eye caught a few of the old contracts he was rifling through and saw that some dated back to his days as an agent.
Eventually, he left some sitting out as he sequestered the rest back into their files, sorted by a dichotomy that only he and Nampi could comprehend fully. He motioned with a wing for me to peruse and I turned the first one to face me to find it was my first contract, signed by me in a sloppy fashion. “This takes me back a couple of years.”
“Slick bastard thought he could get away on a forklift but you showed him! Certainly more exciting than my first day!”
“Mm-hmm. And it was when I nearly got impaled that you had the idea to commission all of us utility vests.”
He chuckled, “I really should’ve done so sooner. Cuts and scratches were already a risk, but a forklift was a new one!”
I flipped through the pages of each report, finding that Marlig's notes were filled with praises of my work. There were highs and lows, but I was flattered to find that the grizzled krakotl held my performance in such high regard.
“Flawless interception!” read one footnote about me catching a runner. “Couldn't have done it better myself!”
Marlig waited patiently as I browsed quickly through each page, realizing more and more how the notes also marked improvements in my work. How I found it easier to talk down a rowdy client, or apprehend them in the case that they were beyond helping on my part. Flowery language plastered most pages with him fawning over my work as a doting father would to his prodigal child.
The trend took a sharp turn as the notes became fewer and more critical the closer the dates reached to the present. I brushed the others aside with a wing to peruse the final paper. “And this…”
“Is Tac. Your latest contract. The most recent in a line of declining performance since the interview. This has become a pattern, Hileen, and its consequences are beginning to reach beyond yourself. Paji and Vesek resigned recently for personal reasons, which leaves us even less hands on deck than before. That's four people to cover the entire municipal region, and maybe even beyond, should needs arise. Three, if we include this little probation I have you on.”
“What was I supposed to do? Marlig, these ‘jobs’ you've got us working on overstep the contracts we were signed on with. Our job is to make sure people obey their court-mandated duties, not drag them off to the facilities ourselves!”
“... So the trip we took to the facilities did bother you.”
A sigh clicked in my throat as he reminded me. “Is that what happens to the people we take in, Marlig? Is that what would've happened to your wife?”
His feathers ruffled.
“That's what happens to those who are too dangerous to the general public to be left roaming free. Not everyone we deal with winds up there, but everyone can be subject to it. Miskela sued for her exoneration and proved in court that she was not diseased. I brought you there to show you how it helps the people, but I see now that it was a mistake. I understand why you were so perturbed, really, but it's how things have been for centuries. It's how we've protected ourselves from the dangers out there.”
“You were willing to let Barsul be interned there, too.”
Marlig flinched and sighed as he swept the papers towards himself once I'd signaled I was done. He turned one eye to me while he sorted them.
“There's no room for favoritism, girl. I negotiated for him to be allowed to walk free, and look where that got me. That boy - your neighbor - suffered the consequences of my nepotism. So too would the girl, had nobody intervened.”
“Like Richard.”
“The human, yes. Or you. Or the police. Where does this sudden obsession with humans come from, anyway? I get notifications of you talking about the acceptance of them all the time on forums.”
“Does it even need explaining?”
“Well, I guess not, no, but it's certainly an about-face from the way you used to talk about them with me beforehand.”
“People can change, for better or worse. Which one I fall under remains to be seen.”
Marlig stroked at the plumage on his neck as he finished his sorting. “I hope it's the former, for your sake. Was there any reason you came to talk, or were you just checking that I hadn't gone senile?”
“Well, I was hoping to borrow your secretary for the evening.”
He perked up while his eyes narrowed and he laced his fingers together with curiosity. “You… want to spend an evening with Nampi?”
“It's not what you're insinuating, but yes.”
“I was insinuating nothing,” he warbled coyly. “Go ahead and take her, and make sure to split the bill at dinner.”
“Pain-in-the-ass geezer. I'll keep in touch if your friend causes any more trouble.”
“Keep in touch regardless. Miskela and I get lonely in our old age,” he called back. “Take care.”
I stepped out into the hallway and turned toward the desk where I could hear the secretary's claws tapping furtively at her keyboard. Nampi sat silently with her ears and tail in a relaxed position that implied a bored demeanor. There was barely any response as I stood before her, waiting politely for her acknowledgment that never came.
Hesitantly, I cleared my throat.
An ear raised in acknowledgement, but her focus remained on the screen of her computer. “Mhm?”
“Do you…?”
Her ear rotated toward me, though she still maintained a passive attitude as she continued to glare mindlessly at the monitor.
“Are you free this evening?”
“Well, I'm quite booked, I believe. Why do you ask?”
I was surprised at her curt, dry tone. She hadn't spoken with me like this since we first got to know one another.
“Well,” I started. “I realized something. Every time we went out, whether it was clubbing, or dinner, or even walking around the parks, you always footed the bill. And so…”
Slowly, her other ear perked up and I saw her keystrokes slow down as she listened in.
“I wanted to return the favor?”
Her lips smacked as she opened her mouth, though paused before she spoke. “How could you possibly do that?”
“With a little gesture of friendship.”
Nampi's horizontal pupil turned up toward me and her tail twitched.
I continued, “So that belt you're wearing? It's the same belt you've worn since we first met. And I know you're the pragmatic type who'd never spend a credit more than she needs to, except for all the times you do"- her ears twitched in indignance -"I wanted to see about getting you a little something… extra?”
Her paws raised from the keyboard and she leaned in, resting her snout on her palms. “Go on.”
The bubbly venlil's tail sold out her collected facade as it twitched with anticipation. She was cornered and she didn't even know it yet.
“Well, I found just the place on the other side of town where we can start. It's a place almost as rich and indulgent as yourself.”
“The Platinum Paw? I mean3”
Her ears folded back in embarrassment as she cracked. She wasn't cut out for acting anyway.
“So that's what it's called! Jeez, I couldn't for the life of me figure out what it was called. Now what do you say? We go over there and find you something nice—”
I hadn’t even finished my thought before Nampi had grabbed her bag and was out the door, giving me a playful tail flick that said come and get me.

The place I suggested was in a shopping center on the opposite side of town, though easily accessible because of its proximity to the transport rails. Nampi had insisted on grabbing something to eat beforehand and so now gleefully bit into a bundle of stalks that had been “grilled” as explained from the food truck we'd stopped at.
Her tail flicked back and forth with her usual enthusiasm as we entered the massive complex of stores. The roofless plan allowed the natural, orange sun to flood the upper levels while artificial lighting illuminated the ground level wherever the light couldn't reach.
The place was built in the last decade by the previous City Magister in a bid for popularity, though ultimately for naught as he would lose the vote following a scandal involving an iftali priestess and a carved bar of soap. I had to say that despite being sick in the head, he sure had a great sense of decor.
Nampi snacked away, joining me in admiring the scenery as we continued to the place I’d planned out for us. Aimless chatter all melded together into a single, thrumming murmur as pedestrians navigated the many levels and stores offered in the place.
A troupe of children passed by us, held in a chain of tails and arms as they were escorted by a pair of venlil who I assumed were students and teachers on a school trip. I caught a whiff of a sweet, aromatic breeze and found it to come from a perfume shop on the same level as us; naturally, venlil were not to be found inside.
We passed a fountain where a couple sat on the edge, their tails twined together as they giggled and flirted. I turned and caught Nampi watching them as well, though she awkwardly returned to sucking the remains of her meal from her claws when we made eye contact. Her ears lifted when I raised a wing to signal to the store we were going to stop at first.
“Platinum Paw, The Greatest Fashion Emporium For Everyone!”
The title alone was painfully cliche, taken to the tenth power by the brightly lit store taking up three department slots. Despite the flashy exterior, though, it was the best place to shop for belts, brooches, and bracelets alike. Customers who looked like they earned my yearly salary in a week browsed the higher end brands while I brought my friend to the section I wanted to show her.
Her ears were held up as we stood together next to a shelf chock full of fashionable bags and bandoliers of every variety.
“Pick one,” I told her.
Nampi's ears shot to a straight pose in surprise, “Any?”
“Within reason. I've got a few extra credits to blow and I know nobody better to spend it on.”
With an inviting headtilt, I let Nampi peruse the shelves at her leisure. Her lips pursed together and her tail flicked with glee as she fingered at every piece that caught her eye. I chuckled at her outburst of enthusiasm while turning to find my own items to gloss over.
A breeze from outside nipped at my beak while I considered what I’d like to purchase. The place dripped with an atmosphere of faux hospitality, from the bright blue-stained floorboards to the radio prattling off advertisements in a sickeningly sweet tone to the faint, fruity aroma of scented cleaner. It was oppressive as only a fissan-owned company could be to the senses.
What I wouldn’t pay to see how a human would fare in such an environment.
I knew they were social creatures at least, but I had no doubt that the predatory senses of a human, so honed to hunting, would get overstimulated in this center of gaudy indulgence. Knowing I was something of a predator myself made me sympathize provided that even I had to squint to keep the pale lights inside from searing my eyes. I could only imagine how the arboreal eyes of a Terran would fare. I was so lost in thought imagining how lost the Terrans would be that I could almost ignore the obnoxious giggling and metallic rattling coming from behind me.
Risking a peek at the source, into my sight came a pair of venlil, one a male carrying a pair of bags as well as a couple more strapped to his belt. The bored expression in his eyes was not one of a man who was in high spirits. The other venlil was a woman who was the source of the noise.
Her mottled gray pelt was accented by a tasteful belt design, free of almost any practical functions but not flashy or excessive in garnishment either. At least, that’s what I would say, were it not for the braid of beads that dangled on the belt, jingling with each bounce of the lively woman’s stride. It was clear that such a gaudy accessory was intended to draw attention to her, though why was a mystery. Certainly, the shiny braids seemed designed as decoration first and practical second.
She turned about and I faced back to my browsing before she could catch me staring. Nampi was nowhere in sight, though I figured she was somewhere behind the shelf, sifting through every accessory on the section I'd suggested.
Clink.
Something pelted to my immediate right. I tilted my head to spot a tree nut shell clattering to the floor. Without being able to guess where it came from, I had to wonder what could've launched it over this way. Even with my keen eyesight, nobody in the crowd seemed to be a suspect.
Clink.
Another shell pelted my vicinity, ricocheting off of the floor and hitting the shelf I was standing next to. I ruffled my feathers in frustration - clearly, someone was trying to get my attention, though I couldn't make out who it was. Out of the corner of my vision, the woman from before eyed me curiously as I looked about, though I wasn't interested in engaging with her.
Thwack.
One more shell came flying and, unfortunately, the aim on this one was true, nailing me on the beak. Irritated, I stormed out of the store to find the source of the instigator. I scanned over the bodies to find anyone who could've been responsible for this indignity, eventually concluding that it came from the dining area across the walkway.
Whoever was responsible was in for an earful and I was already structuring which of the offender's family members would be acceptable as fodder for stray words. As I approached, I found the tables were mostly empty save for one, which made my heart begin to drop as I met eyes with the only occupant. Suddenly, I was much less inclined to hurl insults.
“Oh, hi there!” Qitel called out in a sickly sweet tone. “Come, take a seat! We have much to discuss!”
The Exterminator clutched a bag of tree nuts in his claws, a pile of discarded shells already gathered on the table next to him. He grabbed another as I approached, effortlessly prying the shell in half between two claws and tossed the contents into his mouth. “Good protein, these,” he commented as I sat down.
“Must be for that good arm you've got there,” I mumbled. I caught sight of a couple of bags beneath his chair, seemingly from one of the tech stores contained within the center.
“Bah, it's guesswork. So how are you? I haven't heard from you since we worked together!”
“I was just spending time with a friend, shopping and enjoying my time off.”
“Your time off? Oh, am I interrupting something?”
His snide tone irked me, though now wasn’t the time for interjections. “You are, Qitel,” I replied with no shortage of vitriol in my tone. “But I see no harm in chatting for a bit.”
“Good, because I have some merchandise”- he reached into his belt pocket and deposited a couple of items onto the table -“and you’re just the person to look into it, human sympathizer.”
I drew a terse breath in shock, but my worries were quelled when I considered that if Qitel had the power to do anything about it, he would’ve done so instead of approaching me so discreetly. A glance down at the item on the table showed that he was presenting what looked to be a tracker as well as a personal drive. “Found in the garbage,” he told me.
“The guild resorts to dumpster diving when they already have such a bloated budget now?”
“No, featherbrain, I have decided to keep this for myself. These items were found together, sealed in a plastic pouch, and placed in a garbage bin. The city has bans against electronics being placed into public bins, and so I was curious why this wound up in there. Managed to get my coworker, a techie, to crack it open and…”
Qitel reached into his belt again, glowering at me with the same condescending gaze he’d given me when I first saw his face. He seemed to revel in digging for the item as slowly as possible to waste my time. Finally, he found whatever he was looking for and revealed it as a printed piece of paper, folded into eighths. The snobby yotul threw the unfurled paper on the table and rolled it toward me.
I craned my neck to look at the parchment, though I was immediately perplexed by the text on it; it appeared to be some sort of form, going by the boxes with words on the inside, followed by blank lines. “Found on the drive, here,” Qitel told me, jabbing a claw to the storage. “Translator shows it as Terran writing.”
Drawing my holopad from my satchel, I held it over the paper with the translator to get an understanding. Surely enough, the language on it came up positive as a variant of Terran writing and I was affirmed in it being a form of some sort based on the wording of the text. The boxes seemed like an odd sort of job application, asking for the typical name, contacts, and prior work experiences, but quickly took a strange turn as it began asking for where their home on Earth was prior to arrival, what family they had on Venlil Prime if any, and where they worked, implying that they were seeking individuals who were already employed.
I knew little about human employment methods, but I didn’t imagine that sourcing individuals from other jobs was the most efficient way to gain a workforce. Terran service industries already dotted the planet while many humans also found work in local environments. So what was the angle that the creator of this application was going for?
Most concerningly was that the paper had no insignia, identifying marks, or noted address to return the form to. “And where did you find it again?”
“In the garbage, alongside this intact tracker that was activated at the time of recovery. Y’know, when I was dumpster diving. Text on the document showed it was addressed to one ‘Choctaw Nexus’.”
“A pseudonym of some sort?”
“Clearly. Short sorting through the archives shows the first name traces back to the group out east - perhaps you've heard about them. How the name and the items we have here are connected is beyond my understanding, but-”
“Well, this has been an absolutely riveting discussion about your collection of trash, Qitel,” I told him as I stood up to leave. “But this really sounds like an issue to be resolved by your fellow guildsmen.”
The sound of another shell splitting rang out as I turned away.
“I'm not through talking with you, predator.”
The sting as a piece nailed me in the back of the head prompted me to whirl back around, sticking my beak in the insolent yotul's snout. “Perhaps you've forgotten, little man,” I cooed in an equally bittersweet tone to the one he gave me before. “The krakotl never had a problem with settling issues the old-fashioned way before the interview. Try me and find out why I'm in the line of work I am.”
“Oh, we wouldn't want that in such a"- he waved his paw to a group of passersby who had stopped to gawk at my display -”public forum. Please, contain yourself.”
I had to force the feathers on my back to settle and I raised my head away from him. “What else is it you wanted, then?”
“Well, I'd appreciate if you took this merchandise off my paws,” he told me as he brushed the electronics and printout toward me.
“Why would I do that?”
“Because you're closer to the humans than I'd ever care to be, and may be able to find out who this Choctaw Nexus is. Something about the package just feels… off. And I know when to trust my feelings. Besides, we both know that you know where Tac is, don't we?”
“I don't-”
“We have videographic evidence that you conspired with a human - of the aforementioned squatters, no less - and let the kid escape. You're not as sneaky as you think, and if we find this ‘Choctaw Nexus’ turns out to be a bad actor that can be traced back to them - and by extension, you - well, there’d be no talking down my boss from having you dealt with. By helping me find out who this is, you may yet be able to clear your name of any wrongdoing.”
I clenched my beak tightly to maintain a straight face. Qitel stood up with a flourish and discarded the bag he was carrying in a bin.
“See, the krakotl were never special for using threats and bullying to get results. It's because you were good at killing predators,” he jeered. “Now, if you don't mind, this primitive has appointments to attend to… old lady who got trampled courtesy of the humans and all. You stay out of trouble, Hileen, and stay in touch.”
The self-assured marsupial melded into the crowd in a matter of seconds, leaving me with a table containing dumpster trophies and a pile of shells. Reluctantly, I swept the shells into my wing and dumped them into the bin before gathering the other two items he'd left me and stuffing them into my bag. I'd been gone from Nampi long enough and she would notice my absence before long.
Crossing the walkway again, I could spot from where I stood that Nampi was indeed still in the Platinum Paw. I approached, and soon I found that while she didn't seem to have noticed me stepping away, she was definitely in a soured mood based on the sagging of her ears and tail. With my talons clacking on the floorboards, I hustled to her side and her mood chippered up ever so slightly as she heard me approach.
I chimed in, “Find anything?”
“Everything. I want everything, Red, and I can't decide on what I want. They all just look so great!”
From behind, a voice called out, “Nampi!”
We both jumped at the exclamation and turned about to spot the venlil lady I'd seen before spring from behind the shelf. The man poked his head from behind the shelf too, though less enthusiastically and with yet another bag in his clutches. My friend's eyes widened in surprise with her tail and ears perking up in kind. With a light in her eyes, she exclaimed, “Nalek!”
The two embraced with shrill squeals and laughter as Nalek's accompaniment and I traded awkward glances.
“It's been too long!”
“You never stayed in contact!”
The women exchanged giddy greetings and the pompous stranger turned to me, leering over me as though she was sizing me up.
“Who's your friend here?”
“Oh she's actually my-...”
Nampi paused for a moment, looking back to me.
“Yeah, she's a friend.”
“A friend,” Nalek repeated while her eyes flicked between Nampi and I. “Right.”
Somehow, I get the impression that that was judgemental.
“I'm Hileen, by the way,” I chirped, “if names are to be exchanged.”
“Hileen, that's a lovely name! And such plumage to match, it's a wonder you aren't swarmed by suitors!”
Internally, I groaned at the notion. The idea of being approached by someone to state their interest in me made me queasy, to say the least. Thankfully, I never had that issue growing up as most of the other drakes in school were too busy chasing girls who didn't have a lousy pigmentation mutation such as myself.
“I'm flattered,” I told Nalek before turning to the man whose name had yet to be introduced. “May we get your name?”
“Sask.”
His response was succinct and tonally flat, though there was a brief silence as I expected him to elaborate. Nalek's beads jingled as she lashed him on the calf with her tail.
“I'm Sask, Nalek's fiancée,” he added, throwing her a look to see if she was satisfied.
Nampi gasped with her paws over her snout. “Fiancée! Nalek, you're getting married and you never even told me!”
“Well, I felt a little guilty since it technically broke our pact we made when we were pups. You remember that?”
“Of course! Why wouldn’t I? ‘Let she who bonds through betrothal first be cast out unto the world for all to admonish her!’”
Sask and I both gave inquisitive expressions. “You two spoke like that as pups?” Sask asked.
“Well, I'm paraphrasing,” Nampi admitted with a playful ear waggle. “But you get the gist.”
“Indeed, they do, sweet Nampi. Now, may I ask what you're doing bringing your avian friend here into this store on this fine claw?”
“Oh, no no, she's the one treating me! Isn't that right, Red?”
I saw her tail twitch and was sure it took restraint not to tickle my neck with it as we stood before her old friend.
“She's been a good friend,” I explained. “So I wanted to reverse the roles for once and treat her to something myself.”
Nampi skipped over to me and wrapped her arm around me, glancing back to her old friend. “See? We'd all be so lucky to have a… friend like her.”
“So I've witnessed. But perhaps you're a bit stuck, as I've seen you prancing up and down these aisles for a while, no? Maybe you don't know what you want?”
“Nalek, you know I've never been good about making my mind up.”
“Some things never change, you ditz. Tell you what: you and Sask go find us a seat and we can catch up all we'd like when we're not taking up aisle space, yes? So shoo! I'll help Hileen here pick one out for you!”
With a bored grunt, Sask made off with the goods he had strapped to himself, followed by Nampi who gave me one more playful tail flick before dashing off into the crowd. I looked back to the mottled snout of Nalek who watched her friend wander off with a wistful glance.
“She was my first, you know.”
“Your what now.”
“Love. Way back when we were growing from pups into young adults back in private education, we explored much together. We saw each other through a lot, including the less savory parts of finding a mate. When Nampi realized it wasn't the boys she was into, she turned to me, and I offered my hand as her stalwart companion… to a point.”
“You weren't interested in her the same way?”
“I'd grown up seeing her as a sister of sorts, so ultimately, when we split it off, we stayed close as friends and she never seemed to be bothered by it. She struggled to find others in school who had the same interests as herself, but she never fussed about it.”
Nalek's claws browsed over a set of pouched bandoliers made with intricate embroidering. “Have you two… spent the night together? Alone?”
Spiritually, I reeled from the inquiry. The whiplash from that question was equitable to being smacked by a human. “Wha- why? How's that pertinent to the subject at hand?”
“That sounds like a ‘yes’ to me,” she purred with a smug glance my way.
I didn't need to begin to list the different ways such a question was violating to our privacy, and yet this woman was treating it like a game.
“Not really your concern, ma'am.”
Nalek chuckled as she picked out one of the bandoliers and inspected it with her claws. “I'd like to think that she and I still have that old connection, despite everything. And to that end, I know that she's no slag and doesn't trust easy. To see her be so vulnerable around you and to talk so highly of someone who's clearly below her income level as a predator…”
She stretched the bandolier out to appreciate the design in its entirety.
“Well, that's something special. Here"- she foisted the accessory into my wings as I stood gobsmacked -"this just screams her name.”
“This is, like, double my budget.”
“Love don't come cheap, darling. You wanna see good things happen, sometimes you've gotta step out of your comfort zone and grasp for it!”
“I'm being lectured by a rich woman on finances.”
“It's a philosophy that goes beyond money, ‘Red.’ The humans have a saying, in their horrendously predatory nomenclature, that contains a kernel of truth: ‘you miss every shot you don't take’.”
Yep, that's definitely a human phrase.
Nalek's steely braid rattled with every flick of the tail as we proceeded through the checkout.
“You want things to change between you and her?” she continued. “Don't just wait for it to happen.”
She let the conversation rest there as we finished the purchase, possibly to let me recuperate mentally from the damage done to my account. Outside, we found our respective partners sitting at a table with Sask looking up in boredom as Nampi chatted away, though she immediately shut up and turned to me with excited flicks of her tail as she saw what I was carrying.
I held it toward her and she happily shot to her feet, effortlessly removing the tags with her claws and clipping it to her belt. Nalek clapped and waggled her tail as the giddy lady did a whirl about to let us admire the accessory. While I'd have preferred one with pockets to give it a more practical use, I decided to let Nalek have the victory as our mutual friend clearly enjoyed it.
The rest of the paw was a blur as the two friends chatted without end until Sask eventually reminded his betrothed that they had a schedule to attend to. Though Nalek offered to call us a taxi home as a gesture of kindness, I saw through her ruse to determine that she was trying to pull a fast one on me - the clever ear flick she gave as we boarded the automated vehicle sold it for me.
We sat in the seats as the vehicle took the express ride home.
Nampi cleared her throat before she spoke, “Thank you for taking some time to spend with me, I know you've had a lot less free time as of late.”
“It's a prison of my own design, if I must be honest. A feedback loop of working a job that doesn't guarantee a paycheck to pay for rent that keeps going up, and thus needing to work more.”
The venlil giggled and chided me, “You really should've stayed in university.”
“There's a lotta 'should haves’ that've led me to this point. No use wondering what could have been.”
“There's always a use for wondering what could have been, Hileen.”
She wrapped an arm around my shoulder.
“Every decision I make, I always wonder what I could've done differently that it'd have turned out better,” she explained as she waved her free paw to the sky. “It's how you grow as a person, Red.”
Her silky pelt felt heavenly in contrast to the chilly air from outside, making it hard to let her words sink in.
“You rich types seem chock full of philosophy. I wonder if I'll become a brooding orator when I get some cash to my name.”
The cab filled with laughter as we veered around the final corner to my neighborhood, as it was the closest stop. The door popped open accompanied by a chime from the drone, signaling for me to depart.
But before my talons could even hit the pavement, I felt Nampi's scrawny arms wrap around my waist and she let out a pitiful mewl again.
“You don't need to get off here,” she told me with a pouty expression. “We can spend the rest of the paw at my place.”
“I'd love it, but I need to water my plants and get the month's bills sorted before they're due. Again.”
One claw at a time, I plucked her paws from around my waist and the childish venlil conceded, giving me another ear waggle as I departed. “I'll see you tomorrow?” I asked her.
“If you still have eyes by then, then you can bet your ass!”
“I still don't gamble.”
“You'll come around to it eventually.”
I shut the door to the taxi and watched as it carted away the one venlil who I ever truly felt on the same wavelength as. Fiddling with the lock felt like more of a chore than usual at this time as I felt a little voice tugging at the back of my head.
“You miss every shot you don't take.”
The lock felt jammed as I began to jiggle it more vigorously with the electric key. Either the RFID or NFC readers were messed up, as the lock refused to accept my key. I looked up and down the street, though Nampi was now long gone for me to rescind my earlier rejection.
“Every decision I make, I wonder what I could've done differently.”
The door rattled as I grew more and more infuriated with the lock. Qitel's smug expression as he threatened me so boldly in public played back in my head, and I wondered what would've happened had I decided to go through with insulting his mother. Better yet, I wondered what could've been had I not backed down in the face of his unflinching confidence.
Bzzt. The lock rejected my key again.
“Raagh! You fucking useless hunk of junk!”
I squawked in anger and kicked against the door, careless of the consequences of having Markol back down here to admonish another of his tenants for causing a ruckus. The walls were surprisingly sturdy for how ineffective the venlil architecture looked on the surface and I reeled back in pain as my leg throbbed.
Click.
I looked to my left to see that it wasn't my door that came open, but that of the twins. The door cracked open ever so slightly, no doubt nudged by the force of my tirade and I sighed. Nobody was expected to be home at this time, with Vili being away and Luka leaving early to get a head start.
Luka had been given a stern talking-to by the landlord for allowing one of those cats into his apartment through neglect, and I was disappointed that he seemed to have not learned his lesson this time. In fact, it seemed he hadn't even thought to lock the door this time.
I took it upon myself to shut the door for him before turning back to my own apartment door. Grasping the key with one talon, I turned it ever so gently, though the lock still refused to give in.
With a bit more force, the torsion applied to the key felt as though it should've snapped it by now. Markol sure didn't waste any expense for the security for this place, doubtlessly as a result of his history in electronic security, but I wished now that he had provided a way in that didn't rely on privately sourced locks.
Considering my options as I stood trapped outside, I realized that I had never gotten around to paying for a new lock for Tadi. I'd considered contacting her to inform her that Tac had made it out of town safely, but that'd involve also telling her that her son was now in the care of humans, as if that was a better outcome to her.
Stepping out front, I realized that there was one more option I hadn't considered: my window. I usually forgot to lock it after I was through letting air circulate and I was silently grateful to myself for this absentmindedness now more than ever. Sticking a foot on the threshold, I lifted myself in a way that'd allow me to have leverage to force the window open.
The window made me fight for every inch, but I felt a strange satisfaction as it slowly opened up into an entrance that I could squeeze my way through. I let out a sigh as my talons clicked against the cool floor and slid the window shut.
I laid my satchel on the couch and turned back to the door, ready to unleash my fury on the disobedient object. But as I reached for the lock to manually open the door, I noted that the lights on the RFID interface both flashed at once, blinking erratically. Red and green flickered without rhyme or reason, indicating that it was both active and inactive.
As pretty as the colors were, I now knew that Markol's locks were not as reliable as he had touted them about: typically, such would not occur unless the device was damaged deliberately, and yet nothing indicated that I'd had uninvited guests. One could pray that those cats didn't secretly know how to cobble together an ECM jammer, but my personal wager was on faulty equipment.
Settling in, I browsed my favorite soaps on the television. For what was intended to be a day of relaxation and show of affection for a friend, I found myself rather wound up over all the things that added up. Couples threw around flowery words and swooned over one another on screen as I felt the tension diffuse. My holopad rang and I turned it over to spot that Nampi was informing me that she'd arrived home safely.
>>> Feels empty here, all alone.
She made sure to drive the point home with a sticker of a venlil making a pouty expression.
Next time, I thought to myself, I'll get it right for you, Nampi.
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Hey OC parents and families! My bf (32) and I (33) just found out that we are pregnant with our first and have no idea what we are going to do!
Anyone else who is around our age or younger with kids and a house…. What do you guys do for a living and how do you afford living in Orange County let alone buying a house in this market and economy?
Right now I make only about $2,000- $2,500 a month as a Surfing and Mindfulness group facilitator working with treatment centers, as well as running my own pet sitting business. Which is prolly less than what it’s going to cost for us to hire childcare…. if I continue working so that just doesn't make sense for me anymore.
My bf is a freelance camera operator / cinematographer who made about 75k last year but really only ended up with 52k after taxes… he is still on an IRS payment plan paying taxes for the last 2 years :/
I live rent free with my dad in laguna niguel, and haven’t managed to save a dime due to debt, other bills, and literally just feeding myself with the exorbitant cost of everything here, and he lives with 2 roommates in Aliso Viejo, one of which is his younger sister whom he been paying to feed. We both have adhd and are terrible with money and finances. And have not been able to save just trying to keeping up with the Orange County lifestyle. And what I mean by that is maybe going out for food and drinks a few times a week, and occasional date nights a few times a month. We do not have fancy cars or designer clothes or bags…. And do not live extravagantly by any means. We live paycheck to paycheck and are barely scraping by.
So my question is, how did you guys do it? How did you save up for a house? And kids? What kind of support did you have from your parents? And what the fuck do y’all do for a living to be able to afford even a middle class life here in Orange County?
Thanks 🙏

My ex and I (both men in our 20s) originally met on Hinge but we broke up after I moved to the states. I have had a Hinge profile for 3 months. Recently, I had gotten into a weird cycle of: matching with a guy, have a good conversation, arranging a date but the guy never shows up at the agreed place. It happened three times. Since I just started Hinge not long ago, I therefore formed the impression that flakey people were normal and I got frustrated with online dating.
Then recently, an acquaintance wrote to me to warn that my ex is creating fake profiles to match with me on Hinge. Back in my country, it's easy to get a cheap Android phone and SIM card. He probably just keeps buying them and sets up these fake profiles. He knows my age, city I live in, etc, so he probably just uses the free filters and quickly matches with me. I guess his logic is to wear me down so I will consider getting back with him when he moves to the states this fall.
Obviously I can't do anything about it when I swipe, I don't know which profiles are his. And when I remembered how his fake profiles looked, they don't follow any pattern. They just look like normal guys, and the texting style was different between all of them.
Had the acquaintance never reached out to me, I would have probably quit online dating out of frustration. Now, whenever I match with someone, I just don't know if they are genuine or not.
Has this happened to anyone? Any advice on how I can navigate this situation? Can Hinge do anything?

I’m developing a tool to help certain small business increase their efficiency. However I’m at the stage where I am conducting market research and thus need a large amount of survey respondents. Would sending out the following message on social media (particularly Instagram) to businesses across the country be appropriate or do you have any feedback for improvement? I appreciate your help, thanks
————
Hi, my name is [my name]
Would you be willing to fill out an extremely brief question survey to help me better understand your business? More than 80% of respondents take < 2min to complete
To provide context, one of my passion projects outside of my normal job (data scientist based in [my city]) is developing a software tool in the next 6mon bringing the latest technology, particularly AI technology, to businesses like yours. I want to help you by…[list of 3 very brief ways on how I plan to provide value, all in 1 sentence]
As a token of my appreciation, once developed I would like to give you first access to the tool 100% for free and a 50% off exclusive offer on all premium features if you are able to complete the survey by [Date]
Thank you!

Hello everyone. I have been down a little rabbit hole today trying to find myself. Aren't we all at some point? Up till today, I thought I was an INTJ. So I posted on INTJ and some said I could be, most said I sounded more INTP. So I then posted virtually the same thing over at INTP. I mostly took the 16 personalty tests and fruity tests. I do not want to spam the the same post, (that's dull) so I need help from the fellow INFJ community helping me help myself find myself. ha
I took the keys 2 test recommended on the Post Guide and scored INFJ. A good start. Right before, I took this Michael Caloz test, pretty neat and I like the colors. https://www.michaelcaloz.com/personality/index.html?screen=last&Ti=7&Te=0&Fi=0&Fe=15&Si=0&Se=3&Ni=13&Ne=6&SJ=0&NF=1.5&NT=1.5&SP=0&iFi=0&iTi=1&iSi=0&iNi=0&iFe=0&iTe=1&iSe=1&iNe=0&E=0&I=2&N=2&S=0&T=2&F=0&J=0&P=2
Also scored INFJ.
So about me. I am a 35 yo male, married with a 2 year old and another kiddo on the way.
I have, for as long as I can remember, been obsessed with ancient history, ancient cultures, anthropology, archaeology and the hidden mysteries. Secret, forgotten knowledge of the world. I wanted to be an archaeologist for the longest time. Okay, paleontologist since I saw Jurassic Park at age 5 in 1994. lol. I was never good at sports, pretty lazy growing up. I loved to play with friends as a kid but had a hard time with getting bullied. I hated confrontation growing up. Now, I handle confrontation tactfully and sooner rather than later as I know It can develop into something potentially worse if I don't do something about it.
I want to get along with everyone. I hate when people are taking advantage of others, especially my loved ones. Sometimes I run thru scenarios in my head when I feel someone is going to be taken advantage and how I can stand up for them. Im not that charitable though in the traditional sense. I do not like the thought of volunteering because I want time to be with my family and my hobbies. Mostly my hobbies are researching my favorite subjects. Ancient history, anthropology, psychology, science, engineering, economics, urban planning. I am into investing now because I dream of being able to have money in 30 years and focus on traveling the world more with my wife.
I enjoy traveling as often as I can. Even if it is just to go to the beach. 25 minutes away. Get out with my thoughts and enjoy the waves. Im big into people watching. I don't go out of my way to meet or talk with people. But if people talk with me, I open up. I smile a lot to let them know I am receptive and keep the conversation going. If it's heading in a bad direction, I try to make the conversation pleasing to keep it harmonious. I like to be polite because they came up to me and started talking. I feel the pressure and responsibility to socialize even when I feel I might not want to sometimes because it feels like the right thing to do. Example, if its been 2-3 weeks and we haven't reached out to our neighbor who watches our baby every now and then, I reach out to her just to say hi or invite her over for grilling on the weekend. So she doesn't think we are ignored her too long. lol
I have flipped flopped majors for so long. I have the hardest time finding my true passion. I did the Air Force for 8 years and I am out of the military now pursuing Engineering. Either Mechanical or Biomedical Engineering. Biomedical engineering would be sweet because I can help others without being a Doctor or Nurse. That would just be too much for me, I feel.
I always know something is going to happen before it does. My wife is constantly annoyed by it. I get upset inside when people don't listen to my advice. But I have been told I am a good listener and I do like to listen to peoples problems and make them feel heard and safe. I'm pretty physically affectionate with my loved ones. My favorite dates with my wife are to a nice restaurant (Italian mostly) lol and to the movies when we get a sitter available. Sometimes, axe throwing or bowling is cool.
I don't have any friends right now because I feel that there are sensor types everywhere that I do not relate to. I also am skeptical and have trust issues. I can sense people when they have bad intentions instinctively even before they make their move. I really want to have a a real, true friend or two. In the past, I have made friends by pretending to be more "extraverted, spontaneous, physical, drinking, partying, etc." But it's left me heartbroken because it was not my true self and I feel I only attracted people by being someone else. Even know I know that it would work I hate that it did.
I have been told I can walk into a room and light it up or I can bring it down if I am having a bad day. Does this sound like INFJ or some other type?
TL/DR
I’m a 35-year-old married man, father to a 2-year-old and another child on the way, with a lifelong fascination for ancient history, cultures, and hidden mysteries. I’ve always been more inclined towards intellectual pursuits over sports, and I now handle confrontations tactfully, a skill I’ve developed over time. My hobbies include researching various subjects, and I dream of financial freedom to travel the world with my wife. I’m currently pursuing Engineering after serving in the Air Force for 8 years, and I have a knack for sensing what’s about to happen. I’ve been told I can either light up a room or bring it down if I’m having a bad day. Does this sound like INFJ or some other type?

So about 10 months ago I met this girl on a dating app and we talked briefly before meeting out at a bar.
One thing led to another and we fell madly in love and have now been in a relationship almost a year now and on paper she’s absolutely perfect! Kind, caring and she has brought out the past traumas that I’d kept tucking away from and helped me resolve them with courage and support.
Prior to meeting my GF I used to party a lot and have one night stands on the regular and go out clubbing doing party drugs etc.
Since being with her I haven’t done any of that stuff of course as I know drugs aren’t good and she really hates the idea of that stuff.
When we’re together I feel like we’re so in love and kind and caring for each other our relationship is often commented on by others in our immediate friend and family group as “amazing and so healthy”
So why is it that once I’m not with her I cannot help but fantasise about a different life, travelling the world partying and exploring doing drugs etc.
It’s as if I miss my old life but I also know that girls like this at my age (24) are hard to come by.
She is so flexible and understanding in every aspect and of the 70-80 women I’ve slept with and had flings with she’s by far the only one that’s made me feel loved and appreciated.
Is it my childhood trauma creeping in? Is it my current career that I’m not satisfied with causing this feeling of doubt? Or is it just my intuition telling me that I’m not living my life to its full potential and the fear of settling down scares me?
Any advice would be much appreciated
PS. I must not these thoughts are present almost 50/50 of the time and have been throughout the entire relationship so far

Hello, I am writing a Pokemon fanfic and I am likely putting way too much behind it, but hey, Gotta love the storytelling hobby.
Pokemon Urban Black is a cyberpunk semi-realism take on Pokemon as a concept overall. The book has mature themes (not NSFW but certainly an older age range) and asks several questions about the nature of a pokemon world.
Anyway, I'm looking for a few voice actors who can help with snippets from the story. There will be no full-fledged chapter reading and even the most prominent roles will have snippets that last less than 1:30, if that.
This is a fun fan project. I am paying but I am not making profits off this. Below I am going to list roles from most to least prominent, along with two lines you can read if you so choose (not required before contact). Please let me know what roles you're considering when you reach out.
The one's that say "Pokemon" in parenthesis are characters from the actual games/manga/anime that you can look up.
Trevor Black
Black male, 23-years-old, smooth urban voice, AAVE swag. Semi-sarcastic. He's a hacker that gets himself caught up in some shady business with criminals, by accident.
"Nah, what do you think, Frenchie?"
"Yeah. You right. But it's not him I care about. The shame is all that money he's leaving on the table. He probably spent his life building that up, and for what?"
Godlove Benjamin
Black male, 49-years-old, deep commanding urban voice. Sometimes Sarcastic, Everything he says puts you on edge. Main Villain of Pokemon Urban Black. Mob boss of a gang called Pressure.
"Yeah, that's it. You came to me all excited and shit cuz you caught that lil Sandshrew"
Teanna Black
Black female, Age 19-45-ish as story progresses. Natural voice, weathered by life but optimistic. Teanna is Trevor's mother but we will be hearing her voice from audio journal recordings that range from when she's 19 on.
"My name is Teanna. Teanna Black. I'm 19 years old about 5'6", brown eyes. Very cute. You know. You know. But \ahem* really. I'm doing this because my mom always told me to and I never did."*
Amber Renee Carter
Black Female, Age 24, confident, sweet, encouraging. Renee is the 8th ranked Pokemon Master in the world and famous for it. She starts dating Trevor near the beginning of the story.
"Okay 'Trev'... how about I take your number, instead?"
Frenchie
Black Female, Age 24, sassy, sarcastic, slight (very slight) southern twang, AAVE Swag. Trevor's best friend. A "keeping it real" type of personality.
"Please Trev, like you give a damn about what happens to some rich CEO"
"Yes! Do you know how powerful a Mudkip can be?! and it's sooo cuuuuute."
James (Pokemon)
White male, 34-years-old, (NOT like show voice), Suave, smooth, velvety voice. Apathatic, confident swag. James is second only two Giovanni in Pokemon training capability. One of the strongest trainers in the story. (Jessie is in the story too, but she is already cast)
"Just... James"
"Ah yes, and the world was reminded of what the word 'Legendary' truly means."
Guzma (Pokemon)
White Male, 42-years-old, Sarcastic, kind of gruff, but playful voice. Laid back, carefree. Guzma is the leader of the "Skull" gang, but... despite being a career criminal he's not exactly a bad guy.
"Kid's too soft. I'm doing his ass a favor."
"Eh, well you know what they say... polished shit is still shit."
Plumeria (Pokemon)
White female, 26-years-old, Quiet, reserved, can be stern, but typically calm. Plumeria is second in command of the "Skull" gang.
"N's a good kid,"
"We'll be violating the family ground laws."
Cyrus (Pokemon)
White male, 56-years-old, Collected, pensive, wise. Leader of the Galactic Game, once a reputable science organization gone bad.
"It was certainly possible. You know it was. The science was sound. Even the magic aspects checked out. You were just afraid,"
Ryme (Pokemon)
Black Female, 74-years-old, Somewhat raspy voice, but commanding, and collected. She's the godmother of the underworld crime families.
"This meeting has been called to clear up these confusions so that we can avoid any unnecessary mistakes in judgment." Her eyes again found Jessie. "You have the table."
Brock (Pokemon)
Black Male, 48-years-old, Street hardened, heavy voice, no-nosense. perpetually angry but always keeping it under wraps. Far different from Brock in the series, he's had serious trauma and he's looking for revenge.
"That Sandshrew... where'd you find it?"
If anyone has any questions feel free to simply reach out to me. There will likely be other required voices but as of now these are all I have. Thank you!

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