https://www.wtsglobal.com/public_html/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/Envy-Extreme-Vio.pdf
Crossposting audience: The bad news is there does not seem to be a cure for envy. This is congruent with the recidivism statistics of maladapted/antisocial behavior in narcissists, without which narcissism and those with NPD would not be so socially undesirable. However, there are clear signs that the circuitry of envy is noticeably different than the circuitry of admiration, and that jealousy pathways are similar to addiction and expectation of reward pathways. A neuroeconomic analysis of "I won't win this one without illegal/unethical leveling" may be occurring in the envious, showing there may be insight that could resolve what has been until this point and unresolvable emotion full of frustration and pain at the perceived inferiority these individuals suffer. It is important to study and resolve this to help protect their victims from violence, psychological, and economic abuse, theft, hostage-taking of what is critical to the envied person, and unreasonable dislike that turns into hate crime on a whim. Victims deserve protection (the envious say the opposite) and so we research. Follow this subreddit for the first research-backed subreddit on envy.
Intense envy is associated with shame, depression, inferiority, isolation, anxiety, paranoia, and even violent criminal behavior.
Envy is an emotion capable of producing distorted perceptions and cognitions. Intense envy is associated with adverse states such as shame, depression, inferiority, isolation, anxiety, paranoia, and even violent criminal behavior.
The envious can become violent when they want to destroy goodness as perceived advantage, especially if they do not feel they possess goodness
There may come a point at which the envious person's goal is to harm the other's ability to enjoy the perceived advantages—the wish to destroy goodness as formulated by Melanie Klein.
Obliterative envy is the violent instantiation of envy focusing on a desire to obliterate what is perceived as an unjust, intolerable reality
The psychodynamics are discussed by which destructive envy produces or enhances a persecutory mindset and desire for revenge so powerful that lethal violence is chosen as an option. The concepts of obliterative envy and pseudo-spiritual transformation are introduced, and forensic case examples are used to demonstrate how envy produces persecutory cognitions and facilitates the desire to “obliterate” what is perceived as an unjust, intolerable reality.
Increased projection of the malicious or terrorist impulse is the sign of an escalation in the violent envious person’s ability to commit violence. As they grow more out of control in this respect, the more likely they are to actually engage in these actions.
The false logic of envy convinces the individual that they have an unfavorable and immutable disadvantage—thus, the other appears enhanced while the individual feels diminished. This depressing, humiliating position generates resentment toward the other. Depending upon developmental experience and other psychosocial factors, the individual with envy may increasingly use projection, projective identification, and experience persecutory thoughts.
The envious other wants to harm or destroy the other’s ability to enjoy these perceived advantages
There may come a point at which the envious person's goal is to harm or destroy the other's ability to enjoy the perceived advantages.
A bizarre scenario is witnessed where someone sacrifices their own life from spite to hurt the envied
. In some cases, extremely envious individuals are willing to spitefully sacrifice their own lives in an act of violence. The act may be felt as revenge for some perceived or actual injustice, but the driving emotion is intolerable envy, consciously recognized by the attacker or not.
We conclude by reviewing the challenges of detecting severe envy and preoccupation with lethality in treatment and in non-treatment settings where threat assessment protocols may be applied.
Obliterative envy is the state of mind arising from overwhelming narcissistic rage and resentment
. Obliterative envy is the state of mind arising from overwhelming narcissistic rage and resentment, leading the individual to destroy the envied other, and simultaneously himself, to negate the detested situation in its entirety. Pseudo-spiritual transformation is the state of mind by which the perpetrator's personal grievance is justified and elevated to the level of a spiritual or religious imperative.
Proximal warning signs are pathway, fixation, identification, novel aggression, energy burst, leakage, last resort, and directly communicated threat
The TRAP-18 consists of 8 proximal warning behaviors—pathway, fixation, identification, novel aggression, energy burst, leakage, last resort, and directly communicated threat—and 10 distal characteristics—
10 distal characteristics are found, however odd patterns shown in intelligence of purposefully creating these conditions should be noted for terroristic envy from the inside themselves
personal grievance and moral outrage, framed by an ideology, failure to affiliate with an extremist or other group, dependence on the virtual community, thwarting of occupational goals, changes in thinking and emotion, failure of sexually intimate pair bonding, mental disorder, greater creativity and innovation, and history of criminal violence.
Acknowledging envy declares one’s inferiority which causes shame
To acknowledge envy is to declare one's felt inferiority, which in turn triggers additional feelings of shame (Ronningstam, 2005).
Enviers can be seen in both ideation of crime and premeditated crime experience a fierce kind of sadistic pleasure when contemplating violence toward the envied
Among all the so-called seven deadly sins (pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, sloth), Milic (2019) argues that envy produces nothing but mental anguish and is devoid of even an initial burst of pleasure or immediate gratification. We would suggest that envy may hold within it both masochistic pleasure, and well as a fierce kind of sadistic pleasure when contemplating violence toward the envied.
Painful and resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another joined with a desire to possess the same advantage can be seen
Confusion of terms has long been the case where envy and jealousy are concerned; examples abound. For instance, “I am jealous of her good looks,” is more accurately an admission of envy. Envy, in its simplest form, is defined in the dictionary as a “painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another, joined with a desire to possess the same advantage” (Merriam-Webster.com, 2021).
Romantic jealousy is fear of loss of mate and mate retention behaviors, and envy is seen as someone threatening to take away advantage personally
Romantic jealousy has been found to be positively correlated with feelings of insecurity, low self-esteem, and mate retention behaviors (Chin et al., 2017). Whereas in envy, advantage is perceived as belonging to the other; in jealousy, a rival is seen as threatening to take away the advantage (Anderson, 2002).
Narcissistic injury too unbearable to tolerate causes violence. A poisoning quality is specific to the violently envious
In the case of both tension states, it is a matter of degree—how much does the negative comparison lead the sufferer to experience painful feelings of inferiority and shame that result in a narcissistic injury too unbearable to tolerate? Is there the potential for narcissistic rage in its various manifestations, including violence? As the UK advice columnist Irma Kurtz wrote, “jealousy fights duels, envy poisons the soup (Kurtz, 1987).” Table 1 lists the comparative characteristics of envy and jealousy.
Insatiability, and excessive willingness to even take out themselves and their own security, even if it be financial, to take out the person they are envious of can be seen in the violently envious person. They are competitive and will do anything to stop being thrown into relief as less advantaged with the envied person.
Moreover, envy is historically and consistently referred to as hidden and insidious (Epstein, 2003; Minou, 2017). Envy may often be denied because of its implication of inferiority, unwarranted malicious temptation in the envier, and especially its potential for destructiveness. Envy increases within the sufferer the likelihood of developing depression, lowers resilience, and destabilizes self-esteem (Xiang et al., 2020). Those laboring under strong envy are insatiable, competitive, and may be willing to sacrifice their own outcomes to diminish the envied person's perceived advantage (Smith & Kim, 2007
As a result, people report greater feelings of envy and inadequacy.
Passively browsing Facebook apparently incites lots of envy in the envy prone who may try to destroy or at least erase the presence of the one who makes them feel that much envy. Out of sight, out of mind for the envier is desired for and they try to make it a reality
Even passively browsing Facebook can lead to negative social comparison, envy, social isolation and a significantly impaired sense of life satisfaction (Morawska, 2019). Younger persons who spend more time on social media are more susceptible to these effects than older persons.
Consumed with envy and shame (violence most likely) becomes over time guilt-ridden and self-punishing as they continue to avoid feelings of narcissistic inaccessibility, aka, being reminded of what they can’t or don’t have.
Klein first theorized that mature development required transition from the persecutory position (consumed with envy and shame) to the depressive position (guilt-ridden and self-punishing) in order to avoid feelings of victimization and narcissistic inaccessibility (Klein, 1975).
Envy can be a driving emotion in some who go on to commit acts of extreme violence
Those with strong paranoid and narcissistic traits have been observed to suffer from a desire to destroy the goodness they perceive they have been unjustly denied. Such individuals seek to destroy the other's ability to enjoy the whole object pleasures of love or achievement (Zizek, 2008). Envy can be a primary driving emotion in some who go on to commit acts of extreme violence (Hyatt-Williams, 1998; Knoll, 2010a, 2010b).
Narcissism starts to distort senses of justice in envy. The “justice sense” suddenly becomes distorted and no longer justice in the envious instantiation.
Other main themes associated with envy in the psychological literature involve the envious person's perception of fairness and justice, narcissism, hostility, and grudge holding (Anderson, 2002; Milic, 2019; Nauta, 2009).
Entitlement is part of envy; the envious feel that they are withholding the goodness or justice of things like “having sex with the girls in the hottest sorority”. Externalization, projection and projective identification can be seen. These individuals show impaired ability for sympathy, empathy, regret, reconciliation or gratitude which all require an ability to see someone else as human who may feel things like they do, aka, an increased disposition to commodify agents is seen.
In the P-S position, the individual's worldview is based on feelings of mistreatment and frustration at what is perceived as intentional harm, injustice, or purposeful withholding of advantages. The P-S position is associated with the use of maladaptive defense mechanisms such as splitting, externalization, projection, and projective identification. Such individuals will have an impaired capacity for sympathy, empathy, regret, reconciliation or gratitude—emotions that necessitate an ability to represent others in one's mind as whole, real, and meaningful individuals. Via projection and projective identification (an incomplete projection wherein the projected content continues to threaten the self), such individuals perceive others as actively persecuting them by withholding the goodness, justice, or fairness to which they feel rightfully entitled (Grotstein, 1981)
Not getting what they feel entitled to is a profoundly depressing and humiliating experience for those who have an excessive predisposition to commodify and then feel entitled to things that should not have ever been commodified
As a result of their perception of intolerable injustice, some may become overwhelmed with a sense of loss that cannot be mourned (Feldman & De Paola, 1994). Grief is subsumed by personal grievance. There is then the potential for hostile revenge fantasies, followed by an unwillingness to forsake a martyrdom fantasy of ultimate and final revenge. Envy may defy common sense, yet its logic can be understood. Envious persons see the object of envy as big or advantaged, while they feel small and disadvantaged. This is a profoundly depressing and humiliating experience for the envious who are left harboring resentment and injustice, emotions which are often a product of depleted omnipotent fantasies (Anderson, 2002).
Defense of projection may hypertrophy to distort their perceptions of others as greedy, spiteful, and intentionally persecutory–aka, someone very rich may start projecting on others as greedy to project off the shame they feel for greed. Or, someone who is antisemitic with lots of wealth may suddenly become fixated on Jews to relieve themselves of the guilt they feel for not helping people.
They may come to experience—whether acknowledged as compensatory or not—a “malicious glee” (schadenfreude) over other's misfortune, which can develop into an addictive like pursuit of sadistic joy over others' sorrows. Their defense of projection may hypertrophy to distort their perceptions of others as greedy, spiteful and intentionally persecutory
Social pain over a perceived failure to meet some internalized level of value is seen
in contrast to the dynamic of a negative comparison defining envy, shame is “a painful feeling of an interrupted sense of joy, relationship, status, or pride, because of exposure of one's failure to meet standards or ideals” (p. 37). The key phrase here is not meeting “standards,” which suggests social pain over a perceived failure to meet some internalized level of value. S
Shame for feeling hate then leads to self-hate, and this suffering sees no relief until they decide to commit extreme violence
A vicious cycle may ensue, in which the envier is ashamed of feeling hateful, and then hates himself for feeling such negative emotions—which make him further aware of his inadequacy. In actuality, we suggest that these powerful negative emotions—shame, envy, hatred of others and hatred of self—are so interrelated that they may all be in play in the sufferer who chooses extreme violence.
Irrational suicidal behavior often called a “psychic death” can be found on people with extreme narcissistic injury and envy.
Gilligan's interpretations may not explain all instances of extreme violence, but they are consistent with what we call the obliterative mindset. The perpetrator has lost the capacity for undistorted judgment and to sublimate aggression. The “self” is already dead. He is now ready to override the survival instinct and fully embrace a drive toward death (Anderson, 2006).
A deep sense of victimizations promotes a righteous vengeance that then aggressively devalues the other to promote the self, as they do not feel like they will compare organically without aggressively manufacturing the devaluation of the other
. In the distorted logic of severe envy, a deep sense of victimization allows martyrdom and/or righteous vengeance to devalue the other and promote the self to heroic status.
The envious person decides he is going to show the world his true self, which in the end is nothing but another terrorist, one of many people who did nothing with their lives but just kill other people out of rage, envy and entitlement
Intolerable conditions and even the imperfect self are wiped clean, leaving only the perpetrator's final judgment, which is not open to appeal. The violent extremist warped by severe envy is drawn to a statement of self-affirmation to counteract overwhelming shame. By obliterating the unacceptable reality, his sacrifice seems worthwhile to him to re-establish his sense of self. Or as the violent perpetrator Elliot Rodger wrote: “Finally, at long last, I can show the world my true worth” (E.R. Manifesto, 2014). The paradox, however, is compelling: obliterating the actual self to realize just before death the perfect and omnipotent self.
Around the time of extremism, rigidity can be seen and is palpable on the one engaged in covert or overt acts
. Beliefs in the superiority of one's cause become rigidly fixed and overvalued (Rahman et al., 2019).
Extreme imbalances of what is given from what is taken is a clear signs of extreme envy, suggesting economic abuse is motivated by envy in many cases
: “Everything is gone. What I own is just gonna be a pittance compared to what I am going to take.” The distorted logic of severe envy can be seen at play in MH's statement: “It's a kind of a community that in order for you to get ahead, you have to keep the neighbor down. It's not…you know, building yourself up on your own merit, it's tear the other guy down.” There is no ambivalence or relativity at this point for MH. His world is split into only those who are building up and those who are tearing down. Deep in his persecutory position, MH gives about as clear an explanation, in our opinion, of the logic of violent, destructive envy as can be found in such cases:
Genocidal obliteration is seen on those so envious they become violent
. When I do this, that levels the playing field in my favor, so now we've got a lopsided playing field because when I come back at you, I'm gonna destroy your side of the playing field
Addicted to revenge, they make patently unreasonable decisions
Various townspeople interviewed in the documentary note how MH had been given numerous financially appealing options, including an offer of six times what he paid for his land. The object of MH's envy was his perception of the success of several businessmen whose family had lived in the town for generations. Offers to provide MH with a financially advantageous resolution held no sway since he was fully in the grip of an obliterative mindset. Or, as the town news editor stated, “He had a way out. He had a way out to make some good money and, and go on about his life, but he chose that path for whatever reason.” Instead, he narrowed his focus and proceeded according to the dictates of violent envy and revenge.
Peacefulness after extreme painful turbulence is a tell-tale sign of premeditated homicidal action in the envious
Tied to these signs of PST is MH's statement that “a peace came over me…,” perhaps describing an almost spiritual feeling of relief after having finally resigned himself to die. Such descriptions of emotional reprieve have been associated with anticipatory and relief-oriented permissive beliefs in suicidal crises (Del-Monte & Graziani, 2020). Perpetrators of mass murder and other forms of targeted homicide-suicide have similarly described a state of peacefulness and relief that arises once they have come to terms with their own death as not only inevitable and acceptable, but planned, either by their own hand or as a “suicide-bycop.”
“I wasn’t supposed to caught”; an exceptionalism is seen on the violently envious
ambivalence. MH proceeds to strengthen and amplify his violent intent via a combination of PST and teleological thinking: “I wasn't supposed to get caught! God built me to be here to prove to you that what you have been doing for God knows how many years is wrong.”
Resolving the crisis would be an intolerable sign of weakness and inferiority (Gilligan & Richards, 2021).
This statement suggests his intensifying envy, often apparent in pathologically narcissistic states and traits (Kernberg, 1992). What MH deserves is beyond question, and now God expects him to harm the objects of his envy. The conviction of transcendent moral and spiritual righteousness is a common justification for violent lashing out by those in the persecutory position. Resolving the crisis nonviolently would require more psychological degrees of freedom and capacity for gratitude and empathy than MH possessed. To him it would be an intolerable sign of weakness and inferiority (Gilligan & Richards, 2021).
When people are happy an aggressive raging need to ruin it is seen on the envious
As poetically described by Gilligan and Richards (2021), the most direct, immediate and literal way to wipe tormentors' mocking smiles from their faces is to make them weep through violence.
Fixation is a huge sign of extreme envy and ability to commit envy-based violence
MH's PST would be associated with the TRAP-18 (Meloy, 2017) distal characteristic of Changes in Thinking and Emotion. These changes are often complex, and appear to occur in three domains: interpersonal relations become more limited and isolation increases; there is evidence of fantasy that is both grandiose and violent (often leaked through social media); and emotions shift from just anger, to also contempt and disgust for the target. We also see continued TRAP-18 evidence of the proximal warning behavior of Fixation, in this case motivated by extreme overvalued beliefs (Meloy & Rahman, 2020). Fixation, a preoccupation with a person or a cause that is accompanied by deterioration in work and love, is often the first proximal warning behavior to appear in a case of targeted violence (Meloy et al., 2021).
Last resort behavior can be seen when they think they were never going to get caught, a desperate attempt to commit violent envious action to secure the envied’s punishment for making them feel envy
Last Resort proximal warning behavior is defined as a violent action and time imperative: the person must act, and he must act now. Such warning behavior is often precipitated by a triggering event—often a loss in love or work--or one that is anticipated, and is sometimes accompanied by feelings of desperation or distress (Meloy, 2017).
Envy that powerful pushes them into the obliterative mindset, where violence occurs
Such intense devaluation of the desired object suggests envy powerful enough to push him into the obliterative mindset.
ER repeatedly used the word “envy” to describe his misery.
ER repeatedly used the word “envy” to describe his misery. He understood the difference between envy and jealousy, which he also experienced at an early age when there would be a third boy on playdates with his best friend (E.R. Manifesto, 2014).
He shows that the desire to torture is motivated by envy, showing that envy is indeed a product of envy and with it its links to narcissism
ER went to a Starbucks coffee shop there, where he became “livid with envious hatred” upon seeing a couple kissing. He proceeded to throw his coffee on them. What he actually fantasized doing was to “kill them slowly… strip the skins off their flesh.” The sight of a couple enjoying themselves brought out sadistic urges to destroy them, but not before torturing them by removing the very organ they would use to enjoy each other—their skin.
Entitlement is also linked to the torture as envy milieu saying “if I cannot have it, I will destroy it”. That is extreme entitlement
Just as MH described the true nature of destructive envy so well, so does ER, with jarring precision: “If I cannot have it, I will destroy it.
A hatred for someone from a younger generation enjoying things they didn’t can be seen in the envious
That was the day that I decided I would have to kill him on the Day of Retribution. I will not allow the boy to surpass me at everything, to live the life I've always wanted. It's not fair that he has the chance to have a pleasurable life while I've been denied it. It will be a hard thing to do, because I had really bonded with my little brother in the last year, and he respected and looked up to me. But I would have to do it. If I can't live a pleasurable life, then neither will he!
Fixation and pathological preoccupation followed by deterioration is seen on those who are capable of and/or commit envious violent action
The ER case is rife with examples of the proximal warning behavior of Fixation on the TRAP-18: “an increasingly pathological preoccupation with a person or a cause, accompanied by a deterioration in social and occupational life” (Meloy, 2017)
Envy based torture premeditation and enaction is seen on those envious who fit the description for TRAP-18
When ER saw the couple kissing at Starbucks he also wanted to kill them, “slowly.” What he actually did was throw coffee on them (and, incidentally, at great risk of physical retaliation). Such a behavior is an example of the proximal warning behavior on the TRAP-18 of Novel Aggression: “an act of violence that appears unrelated to any targeted violence pathway and is committed for the first time” (Meloy et al., 2012), and is done to test one's violent capability.
Acute narcissistic injury can trigger a suicidal crisis
An acute narcissistic injury in the patient's life could trigger a suicidal crisis in the absence of a depressed state. Ronningstam (2005) discussed the various meanings of suicidality in narcissistic patients, among them, an illusion of control and mastery (as well as preserving the perfect self), a shield against anticipated narcissistic injuries (death before dishonor), and an act of revenge: an individual may commit suicide to spite someone else.
Even envious hatred for therapists can be found, with therapists witnessing boredom with the sessions and withdrawing from direct engagement. This suggests extreme dispositional envy.
. He may pronounce boredom with the sessions or withdraw from direct engagement; his envious hatred may be hidden underneath an attitude of indifference. Alternatively, he may attempt to compete with the therapist, claiming superior knowledge or understanding (Abraham, 1927)
Envious individuals suffer from an encapsulated murderous aspect of their personalities
…most envious individuals suffer from an encapsulated murderous aspect of their personalities. If this concealed enclave is suddenly detonated by external circumstances, homicidal or suicidal violence can erupt.
Envious people see the world as zero-sum and try to reinforce back to zero-sum when people prove it is not inherently zero-sum. They will aggressively try to renormalize it back to where their envy seems less pathological and distorted.
In the zero-sum game of envy, there is a myth that if someone has something good, the other person is diminished. A major goal of therapy is to help patients see that self-esteem is not dependent on what someone else has and that their accomplishments are not connected to those of others. The therapist works to interpret to the patient that his zero-sum view undermines the chance in his life that he and others can simultaneously feel successful and gratified (pp. 128–129).
Envy influences the subject’s violent motives
s. Understanding the powerful psychodynamics of severe envy, the obliterative mindset and pseudo-spiritual transformation, contribute to the knowledge base for threat assessment practice. Threat assessment clinicians on these teams may identify the signs of envy, often subtle or revealed indirectly, and its influence on a subject's violent motives.
Desire for revenge becomes so powerful they commit revenge-based homicide or attempt it, and may even sacrifice their own lives and careers just because of the burning narcissistic envy
When the desire for revenge is powerful enough, such individuals may conclude an act of lethal violence is wholly necessary and the only logical remedy, even if it means sacrificing their own lives.
This act of extreme violence risks the lives of both self and other while providing a relatively brief period of shelter from intense narcissistic injury.
Obliterative envy describes the process by which envy, and its related mental and emotional states, are negated through an act of extreme violence. This act of extreme violence risks the lives of both self and other while providing a relatively brief period of shelter from intense narcissistic injury. Pseudo-spiritual transformation is the perpetrator's belief that violent revenge, in response to a personal grievance, is being guided and sanctified by some transcendent power, usually of personal religious significance.

Note: I attend a non target but decent school(top 50 ish), have a 3.8 gpa, and unfortunately couldn’t land any freshman and sophomore summer internships. :(
Looking for break into top banks like Morgan Stanley, JPMorgan, etc for wealth/asset management.

hello, i tapered successfully from 60 mg to 40 mg and now i'm at 20 mg. i've been taking 20 mg for a month with no withdrawal effects. do you think i can stop taking latuda all together now or that i should break the pills in half and take 10 mg for another month before i stop taking? i had a bad withdrawal with benzos a few years ago and so now am really scared of tapering and don't trust psychiatrist's recommendations. thanks.

Hi all,
I figured I'd give an update into how my experience with the birth control pill is going! I am on the generic for microgestin 1/20 (known as norethindrone acetate ethinyl estradiol 1mg/0.2mg), aka a super low dose birth control.
A couple things about me for context:
-I had a Paraguard Copper IUD for six months (which caused horrible cramps and bleeding, as my body could not adjust to it) I got it out in January as my body was just continuously trying to push it out.
-I have a paraovarian cyst on one of my ovaries, where my gyno said it might be helpful to try the pill
-I am a relatively small female (5'6, active lifestyle, college-aged)
My first week on the pill, I experienced sour stomach practically right away. Tums and Pepto Bismol were my best friends for the bloating and the painful swelling and indigestion I got. After this, I realized there was a bit too much going on to start the pill at that time, so I took about a week off and then got back on it when I was emotionally and physically ready.
I decided to get back on the pill and try again once I was feeling a bit better, and my first month was super easy. Only a little bit of nausea, the occasional pimple, but overall I felt like myself.
Now, I'm currently on my third pill pack. But my second one was where things went awry. I experienced a lot of nausea, gastointestinal upset, as well as some super extreme mood fluctuations, also experiencing bleeding/spotting after sex, and pain during sex. My second one my body also decided to bleed during active pills and have a very lengthy breakthrough bleed (about 17 days of nasty bleeding, like parts of a desidual cast coming out, brown and red blood/discharge, clots, etc.)
After talking with my gyno, she had me taper the pills, by taking more than one per day to stop the bleeding. By the third day of doing that, I was able to stop my bleeding. However, I experienced really intense swelling and bloating (I don't even think it's weight gain, just water retention) in my abdomen and my thighs, which I still am experiencing the lasting effects of.
I know adjusting to birth control is not a linear or a predictable process. As I approach my third month, I plan to take 7 days off to withdraw bleed and to give my body just a bit more time to adjust. I hope this is helpful to anyone on/thinking about taking this type of combo pill. But please remember birth control affects everyone differently.

When you believe that something bad will happen, your body and mind will react in a way to match your expectations. This is the nocebo effect, similar to the placebo effect but with a negative outcome.
People think they're going to have bad withdrawal symptoms which causes the problems, once you tell yourself "everything is fine", your symptoms will vanish.
You can make a heaven out of hell or a hell out of heaven.

I’m using over 100U of insulin a day at this point (normally use anywhere from 40-60) and I’m not sure what’s causing the sudden resistance.
The last few weeks have been pretty crazy…. 3 weeks ago I went into DKA (bad pump site combined with severe dehydration) and spent 4 days in the hospital. During this time, I didn’t have my birth control pills so I had a withdrawal bleeding. After I got out of the hospital, I came down with an upper respiratory infection and was on antibiotics for a week. My symptoms finally went away this past week and I feel fine.
These last couple of days though, my insulin resistance has been insane. I’m wondering if it could be hormonal since my birth control was interrupted early, or still an after-effect from the illness? Does being in DKA do anything to insulin resistance? Any insight/advice is greatly appreciated!

My name is Elouise and I am a student at University of Nevada - Las Vegas. I am currently a research assistant for a dissertation study at Fielding Graduate University conducted by Julia Catlin, Ph.D. Candidate in Clinical Psychology. The study is titled “Exploring the Effects of Secure Base Script Knowledge and Reflective Functioning on Rejection Sensitivity in Adults.” Basically, we are interested in studying attachment and relationships.
You are invited to participate in this study. Participation will involve two parts: 1) completion of a 15-20-minute background questionnaire and 2) a 20–30-minute virtual interview on Google Meets.
Please complete the Informed Consent agreement and background questionnaire before the interview. The total time required for participation is 30-50 minutes.

Inclusion Criteria:

• 18+ years old
• In a relationship
• Fluent in English
• Willing/able to complete a two-part study, including a brief video interview and online background questionnaire.
• Military, Long-Distance Relationships, 2SLGBTQIIA+, and ENM/Poly all encouraged to participate.

IMPORTANT – Please Read

This is a two-part study. Part 1 involves completion of an online questionnaire. Part 2 involves an interview with a research assistant. Please e-mail [elouise@calm.science](mailto:elouise@calm.science) to schedule an interview time. Note: If you do not complete both parts of the study, you will be excluded from the study due to incomplete participant data.

Confidentiality:

The confidentiality of each participant will be maintained through the use of pseudonyms, removal of identifiable information from transcripts, and all study materials will be stored in locked and password-protected spaces. Recruitment is expected to begin on August 21, 2023, and will continue until July 30, 2024.

Your Participation is Voluntary:

Participation is voluntary, and participants may withdraw from the study at any time without consequence. Informed consent procedures will be followed. It is not anticipated that participants will experience any harm or distress by participating in this research. Participants will be provided with resources to contact if discomfort occurs as a result of participating.

How It Works:

If you are interested and meet criteria for the study, click the link below to begin the informed consent and background questionnaire:
https://fielding.az1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_3rAOoyLmNvbQDKm
If you are aligned with Survey Circle, you can use the link below to earn points:
https://www.surveycircle.com/en/survey/CHF2XY/
Thank you in advance for your time and consideration. If you are unable to participate, we would appreciate sharing to those who can. We would be happy to address any questions or concerns you might have. If you have any questions regarding your interview scheduling or need an alternative interview time, please contact one of the research assistants below.
Elouise Vasquez, Research Assistant University of Nevada – Las Vegas [elouise@calm.science](mailto:elouise@calm.science)
Ariadna Gutierrez, Research Assistant University of Nevada – Las Vegas [ariadna@calm.science](mailto:ariadna@calm.science)
Julia Catlin, Ph.D. Candidate, Principal Investigator Fielding Graduate University [jcatlin@fielding.edu](mailto:jcatlin@fielding.edu)

EXTREMELY LONG, YOU PROBABLY WANT TO GO TO THE BOTTOM AND JUST READ TL;DR
Oh well, hey there again. I wrote an earlier post yesterday, and I was once again dwelling into the said problem.
https://www.reddit.com/bupropion/s/U2PrMBuCRd
Well, someone pointed out the anticholinergic effects that Bupropion has, which I forgot about even though I extensively researched it a billion times the last few months (since starting Bupropion). I was looking at it again today.
I was having NEARLY ALL of the side effects of (high amounts only?) anticholinergics. Here: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anticholinergic
It's specifically ANTINICOTINIC, not ANTIMUSCARINIC.(I think, but definitely antinicotinic)
Its anticholinergic effects are debated as far as I understood it. But I'm fairly confident that I either am sensitive to anticholinergics, or my dose is simply too high.
Also, here: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nicotinic_agonist the functions of nicotinic receptors, and the effects of stimulating(?) them. These are the reverse of what has happened to me with Bupropion (hence the antinicotinic effects)
Here: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nicotinic_antagonist we can see its preferred receptors (not sure if it necessarily means "selective")
Regarding the functionality of the nicotinic acetylcholine receptors: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nicotinic_acetylcholine_receptor here you can see the associated Ganglion Type (a3b4), Heteromeric CNS Type (a4b2) and (a subset of?) Muscle Type (a1b1-gamma-epsilon/upsilon?) and Further CNS type (a3b4)
It's not listed for the Muscle Type, but the Ganglion, Heteromeric CNS and Further CNS type. All of these are the reason why it's sometimes used for nicotine addiction. (I think just like how Naloxone is used for opioid addiction, withdrawal and overdose?)
But these don't seem like the ones that would cause memory issues, brain fog and cognitive decline.
However, the more crucial part is that, Bupropion apparently also antagonizes mscarinic receptors https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Muscarinic_antagonist
Here, you can see the properties of every Muscarinic Receptor https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Muscarinic_acetylcholine_receptor
Well, I thought since it's not listed as an MRA as well as Nicotinic Receptor Antagoniser specifically, it had absolutely no effects on Muscarinic Receptors. And as it turns out, it has the lowest (maxing out the scale, I think) as seen here again: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Muscarinic_antagonist
Which I thought meant it has one of the highest binding strength and thus one of the most potent antagonizer of Muscarinic Receptors. But it's the opposite, low Ki value = stronger binding affinity.
So, that's not the reason why it causes memory issues, focus problems and other cognitive issues. And the only culprit seems to possibly arise from it's Nicotine Receptor Antagonizarion.
I think the Muscarinic Antagonist side effects are what most people who experience side effects on Bupropion have, so this doesn't make sense... Nicotin Antagonism doesn't seem to have these kinds of effects, at least they don't have most of the super specific side effects that are listed under MRA (Muscarinic Receptor Antagonist) side effects.
Now I was back to square one. Looking at https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acetylcholine the only way anticholinergic substances can cause the side effects I talked about are Cholinesterase inhibitors, Cholinesterase synthesis inhibitors and releass inhibitors. None of which Bupropion has the properties of.
The one that fits with EVERY single side effect that I get from taking Bupropion, and the side effects that subside after stopping Bupropion have to do with Muscarinic Receptors' antagonisation and agonisation, respectively.
Looking here: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Muscarinic_acetylcholine_receptor Bupropion has almost no antagonist properties regarding Muscarinic receptors, as we've seen earlier.
The M1 receptor specifically seems to correlate with those properties, not the remaining 4 receptors.
I think the only possible answer is the fact that Bupropion blocking/inhibiting Nicotinic Acethylcholine Receptors somehow results in a disfunction of Acethylcholine - Choline life cycle. Especially after seeing this and a few other researches pointing out that Bupropion's effects on Acethylcholine Receptors are a functional analog of PCP, that is Phencyclidine https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1357272509001757 Regardless of this fact, it should be leading to downstream effects on the cholinergic system. Since Nicotinic Acethylcholine Receptors play a role in modulating the release of acetylcholine, their inhibition might be resulting in altered acetylcholine dynamics, potentially contributing to cognitive impairments.
Two more papers • Weber, M., & Changeux, J.-P. (2012). Nicotinic acetylcholine receptors: From structure to brain function. Reviews in the Neurosciences, 23(6), 593-607. • Dwoskin, L. P., & Crooks, P. A. (2002). Competitive neuronal nicotinic receptor antagonists: A new direction for drug discovery. Journal of Pharmacology and Experimental Therapeutics, 298(2), 395-402.
TL;DR:
That was a long day of indulging into pharmacodynamics as a person with absolutely no medical background, and I probably made a billion mistakes, false assumptions and didn't grasp it all properly. But the sheer amount of educated peoples conclusions resulting in these side effects, cognitive inpairment , having a hard time learning, and memory problems could only be caused by it's anticholinergic effects, I will be moving forward with that assumption.
I will be looking for a "Bupropion" that has no anticholinergic effects in any way whatsoever, so only the NDRI parts. Not sure if that exists, but I can't afford to worsen my cognition this way. So even if it did not exist and Bupropion was the only option, I would still end up not using it.
So yeah, I will update this once I try and get results, either bad or good, from whatever other medication/therapy etc. works the same way Bupropion does for me, but has non of the side effects (probably) caused by it's anticholinergic effects.

Do others really think that future inflation will stay in the 1%-3% range?
I’m thinking it’s not likely and it’s more likely to be in the 3.5%+ for the next decade plus. We’re on track for 3 yrs of 4%+ inflation if you review shadow stats, chapwood index or monitor your own costs. CPI is a CP Lie. Don’t get me wrong sometimes it’ll come back down to 2%. But not for long in my opinion. Fiscal spending by the government and how the fed handled this latest high inflation environment… they kind of showed their hand. It’s more important that the system stays afloat and banks like Silicon Valley and signature don’t cause contagion. That military contracts stay generous. And money is spent on social causes so politicians can stay in office.
It’s possible that vtsax kicks butt even more and makes up for it though with returns greater then past 40 years. I’m open to that possibility.
Thoughts?
https://www.lynalden.com/april-2024-newslette

18F, height 5’1, Weight 116, currently taking lamictal and seroquel, relevant medical issues: unspecified headache disorder, seroquel for insomnia, lamictal for emotional dysregulation from BPD
Last night I went to the emergency room after experiencing a horrible headache. I've been dealing with headaches that occur daily at the same time multiple times a day for the past couple of months. My neurologist cannot give me a diagnosis because it is not 100% consistent with cluster headaches or migraines. At the ER, I received an IV cocktail of dexamethasone, ketorolac, sodium chloride, diphenhydramine, and metoclopramide. Within 60 seconds of the dexa, I had the worst crotch burning of my life but stayed composed and said everything was okay. The dude pushed the medication in so fast I could physically feel it rush in and it felt so awful. I do not remember the order of the other medications, but I remember feeling like I was going to faint, fading in and out of consciousness, I felt so anxious and frustrated I wanted to rip out the IV and escape, I felt like I was going to die. My anxiety shot through the roof and I desperately looked around. I felt like I couldn't breathe and like my heart was going to exert itself at any minute. I had horrible tremors and my teeth chattered, so I was given blankets. Shortly after the benadryl I think, I felt the weirdest sensation throughout my body and wanted to cry so bad, but then I had to suppress fits of laughter because I wanted to just burst into laughs. I kept composed and told them everything was okay and only let them now about the burning and the tremors. Should I have said something about the psychological effects I was feeling? I have a habit of downplaying things. This was the worst l've ever felt. It felt like a bad shroom trip, or when I OD'd on benadryl once. Pure anxiety, desperation, and just feeling out of touch with reality and myself. Maybe I'm downplaying it in this post, but just know it was the worst l've ever felt. I was like "why didn't I just stay home dude..." After my benadryl nap, I felt good though. Today, I still experience random burning down there and then it goes away and comes back minutes later Helppp!, I just want to know if I would've had valid rea to express these concerns.
Edit: all day I’ve been having troubles with temperature dysregulation, something I noticed happens sometimes after starting the antipsychotics. But today it’s been like constant back and forth of being hot and sweating but then I get cold at the same time

About 6 weeks ago I cut my lexipro dose in half. I was fine for 6 weeks and then I got hit hard with side effects. I know psychedelics can really help so I got some DMT. Has anyone had experience with this and can it help? I can’t tell if I feel more anxious or less anxious the day after DMT.
Regardless of DMT, I can’t imagine surviving this withdrawal….l’m so miserable. I’m fuzzy headed, I’m lethargic, I’m anxious and I’m debilitating depressed.

My first try with Nardil was with ERFA and it was very effective. Usually I would take 45 mg and ramp it up when faced with anxiety inducing event.
Then I ran out off it and was 2 weeks without it and then started NEON Nardil (45 mg immediately; without slowly introducing it) and it was very intense and I had to stop because of suicidal ideations and having rage events.
I quit cold turkey and had worsening of anxiety to the point I was hospitalized. Now I am 5 months off of it and I still have anxiety in situations where pre-nardil I wouldn't have.
So now I am at crossroads: 1. Give Neon another chance with slow introduction ( 15 mg per week)? 2. Try it again and then taper off slowly to see if the anxiety will vanish (that I didn't have before Nardil)?
The anxiety that I feel now after stopping Nardil is worse now then pre-Nardil, but on the other hand I don't want to risque anthoer withdrawal effect because it is a very dark place that I don't think I will be able to manage it again.
Thanks.

First quick side note, I am here to only talk about this topic as a moral question not a legal one. Legality arrives from morality, at least in this question with a 100% certainty. If we as a whole society believed that abortion was morally neutral and beneficial to society, it would be universally legal.
My position is Pro-Abortion. My position is not Pro-Choice. The outcome of both of these positions is often similar - abortion being a right (minus some minor differences). I make the destintion howerever, to better demonstrate how I arrived at my conclusion (of abortion being morally permissible), or rather what logical process I did not use.
Now onto the topic. There are two deductive arguments for abortion from the persepctive of "My Body My Choice" :
Argument (1) Initial consent:
Premise (1.1): Intrusive/body altering actions such as implantation needs to be consented to. (Bodily autonomy)
Premise (1.2): Fetus does not have stated above consent.
Premise (1.3): You´re allowed to remove entities that ignore your consent and infringe on your bodily autonomy.
Conclusion(1): It is justifiable to remove the fetus.
Argument (2) Continuous consent:
Premise (2.1): Continuous body altering actions such as pregnancy or other actions that continuously limit your freedom need to be consented to continuously. (Bodily autonomy)
Premise (2.2): Fetus does not have stated above consent.
Premise (2.3): You´re allowed to remove entities that ignore your consent and infringe on your bodily autonomy.
Conclusion(2): It is justifiable to remove the fetus.
Now by writing the arguments out in this way, I first and foremost want to establish and demonstrate that I understand the position and I hope you agree that I can accurately represent it. These arguments are valid, but I do not believe they´re sound. **VALID meaning they logically follow through from premises to the conclusion, SOUND meaning that the arguments are VALID and the premises are true**
I disagree with premises P(1.2) and P(2.1), I however want to ONLY present my opinion/have a conversation on P(2.1) at this point purely because that interests me more. I only wanted to lay out the entire MBMC arguemnt to show understanding of it as a whole on my part.
Dissecting the Premise (2.1):
Idea of continous consent is most commonly used in refernce to sexual acts between persons. It is the idea that after stating/demonstrating consent to engage in any sexual act a person still has the right to stop it at any given point by revoking consent. The fact that consent can be revoked implies that until the moment you revoked it, it was implicitly continuously given to the other person (you did not have to constantly say yes over and over again), meaning that consent is continous. My opinion is that this is how it has to work, any sexual activity requires continuous consent and that a person has to have an ability to revoke consent.
My argument is that continous consent is not always a requirment:
The quickest part to knock out is that obviously, continuous consent can only be applied to continuous actions. That is for example why in Argument (1), Premise (1.1) does not mention continuous consent, because fertilization is, practically, an instantaneous action. One physically can not have continuous consent to an instantaneous action. You can not undo you swiping your credit card at a casheer register. Can not unpress the play button on a slot machine.
It already logically follows that continuous consent is at least not always applicable to every action, it does not apply to instantaneous actions.
I now want to go a bit deeper into what continuous consent actually means. Any action that has to do with you requires consent, be it with your body or your property. In the example above when we talked about sex, there was initial consent to begin the activity, then there was continuous consent that could be revoked to stop. Continous consent as a concept is actually the abilty to demand a continuous action to stop, your initial consent was the permision of that action not to just begin, but also proceed for a prolonged period of time. There are plenty of times when the continuous consent can not be actually revoked, or more specifically you can demand for an action to stop but can not within reasonable expectation expect it to stop or stop instantaneously.
Some just general simple examples to simply demonstrate my point:
-When you apply for a visa, you give your documents (property) to the embassy for a review. In the case where you for whatever reason desire them to stop the process and the possession of your documents and withdraw your application , the abilty to actualy exercise your continous consent now entirely depends on your ability to jump through their bureaucratic hoops where afterwards they are still within their right to deny.
-If you´re travelling by plane, you do not have the ability to succefully exercise continous consent. You can request the plane to land because you no longer consent to being there, but reasonably they can refuse, denying you continuous consent of being there.
Then the next logical question arises, when is continuous consent actually a requirement? We see it is definitely applicable to sex, it is definitely not applicable in any meaningful way to airplane travel. Can we categorize when it is applicable and when not?
The real answer in my opinion lies entirely in the nature of the action, or more specifically: Is it possible/reasonable to have continous consent in this situation? If the answer is yes, then you have it. If the answer is no, you do not.
I have continous consent as a passenger of a taxi to demend a stop and instantly leave. I do not on a metro, because well, it's just simply not possible. I have continous consent while getting a tattoo to completly stop the process. I do not while in surgery under anesthesia, because well, it's simply impossible. All of this ends up being completely fine, because when we consent to an action that would impede our bodily autonomy, we do it with the knowledge that that is the case. I buy a metro ticket knowing I can't leave mid ride, I agree to a surgery knowing I will be asleep, I agree to a tattoo session because I have a reasonable expectation that if it is too much I can stand up and leave. This is where we have informed consent.
Now how does this all apply to premise (2.1), well above all what mattes is how the idea of continuous consent applies to pregnancies. Well, if we follow through with everything that I stated above:

• If a woman consented to being pregnant and lives where abortion is a possibility, she has reasonable ability to exercise continuous consent, therefore pregnancy is an action where one can exersice continuous consent.
• If a woman consented to being pregnant and lives where abortion is not possible, she has no reasonable ability to exercise continuous consent, therefore pregnancy is an action where one can not exercise continuous consent.

But this implies that the Argument (2) is not sound, because the premise (2.1) is only true if conlusion (2) is true where it should be the other way around making me conclude that the idea of Continuous Consent does not in any way effect the abortion debate and is not a valid argument.
Thats it.
Oh and please, I´m here for a civil discussion. I just want somebody to reasonably critisize my line of logic where then we can discuss if 1. critisism is valid and what does it change or 2. we figure out why critisism is not valid together. Oh and I hope I at least maybe helped someone rationalize why they felt off about the continuous consent part that gets invoked so often.

I don’t post often, but I’ve been lurking and reading posts here almost daily since starting TSM over a year ago. This community has been incredibly helpful.
Background:
My drinking journey began in college and continued with heavy partying throughout my 20s. Daily drinking became my norm, starting with 2-3 beers and eventually shifting to wine. This pattern persisted for over a decade, with my consumption and tolerance steadily increasing. Despite multiple attempts to quit, I never managed to stay alcohol-free for more than a month before reverting to my usual habits.
Discovering TSM:
I discovered TSM 14 months ago, in March 2023, when my drinking was at its peak — 3 bottles of wine a day, starting as early as 3 pm. Tracking my drinks the week before starting Naltrexone, I counted 89 drinks. While I was good at hiding it, I had a SEVERE problem, and I knew it.
I experienced the initial “honeymoon” phase on Naltrexone, which reduced my intake to around 60 drinks per week. Despite the ups and downs, tracking my drinks really helped me see the gradual changes over time (I think I would’ve been oblivious to this otherwise considering the drunken daze I was in most days). I always took my Nal 1-2 hours before my first drink.
Challenges and Progress:
My Nal journey hasn’t been without challenges. I’ve faced several plateaus and spikes in drinking, the highest being a 75-drink week. For a long time, I couldn’t imagine not wanting to drink, and doubted whether Nal would work for me. I also wasn’t great at mindful drinking, having not fully embraced the many TSM tactics until recently. But I always took Nal before drinking, except on three occasions when I didn’t have my pills.
I increased my Nal dose to 75mg at six months and then to 100mg at nine months. The 100mg dose has been effective for me. My daily drinking was so ingrained that I didn’t have my first alcohol-free day until December. Although I experienced some withdrawal symptoms, my overall consumption continued to drop in the following months.
This month, I decided to be more intentional about working towards extinction with Nal after watching a great YouTube interview with Hank Rearden and u/katie_lain (link in comments). Understanding the Alcohol Deprivation Effect, I had avoided alcohol-free days initially. However, recognizing how habitual my drinking was, I decided to try a full alcohol-free week so I could start having some days without Nal to get the endorphins flowing from positive behaviors. I tapered down from 4 drinks / night to 1 over a week or so, and then stopped.
I managed nine alcohol-free days before taking Nal and having a drink. But to my complete surprise, my go-to wine tasted terrible! I could barely finish it, and I didn’t think about alcohol for the rest of the evening. That was three days ago, and I haven’t had a drink since. I just haven’t thought about it much, which is such a crazy/liberating feeling.
Witnessing my brain changing like this in real-time is wild. Last night, the bottle of wine in the fridge didn’t tempt me at all. My brain gave it the same amount of attention as it would a carton of milk or a bottle of ketchup. It was just..there. It’s like a switch has been flipped. I feel like my conscious brain still tells me I should have a drink (out of habit), but my subconscious brain could give 2 shits about booze.
While I’m not declaring extinction yet, I can finally see the finish line in the distance, and a new life ahead! I liken my feelings about alcohol to running into an old ex—you know you used to have strong feelings for them, but now you don’t.
As someone who wondered for over a year whether TSM would work — please take my advice and KEEP GOING! Progress is not linear on this method. It’s a crime that Sinclair’s work isn’t more widely known; TSM is legitimately a Nobel Prize-worthy discovery.
Hopefully I will be able to declare extinction a few months from now, and when i do I’ll share my full drink log since I started TSM last year. I’m just too excited about the recent progress not to share something today!

Was on bupropion for about 7 years (taking 300mg XL for most of that time) then stopped taking in August. Didn’t realize until I was falling apart and in counseling that I likely have ADHD and bupropion was probably helping with a lot of those symptoms. I just restarted this past week on 150mg XL and have felt amazing. I’m worried that it will wear off though once my body gets used to it…my question now is—could I possibly just take it on work days or give myself a break every few days? Anyone experienced withdrawal side effects doing something like this?

So during my last appointments with my PM doctor and his assistant I have expressed that I don’t like Hydromorphone (2mg 3x a day) because all of it side effects. During my last appointment I told his assistant that I was getting withdrawals from it and it was not working any longer. So he put me on a fast taper plan to wean me off the Hydromorphone. I have failed to complete the plan as my withdrawals are horrific and my pains unbearable. I was only given enough pills to complete the taper plan. I have an appointment in two weeks and I hope to be able to stretch those pills until then. My question is how am I going to approach this situation? He is going to say that I agreed to the plan which is true but I could not do the taper plan. I really need to switch to another opiod meds. I believe Hydromorphone has such a low bioavailability hence is not working for me or I metabolize it fast, IDK. How can I request to continue on pain meds after I have failed a taper? Any ideas please

Sorry in advance for the really long post.
This all began at the start of 2022. I had a seizure in January but didn't know it at the time. March 2022, I have a seizure at a job site and get fired because of it (the company pulled some shady stuff to avoid me suing them for discrimination. Nice.) but was sent to a neuro who gave me Keppra. Bad idea. One of the worst drugs I have ever taken, you couldn't get me to touch that drug again if you paid me. So we switched to Vimpat. It worked well enough for a while (until it didn't) but it still gave me side effects. I didn't want to kill myself or fight strangers, but I didn't feel right. I still felt so heavy, and almost like a brick was inside my brain; I wasn't foggy, I was just downright incapable of understanding somethings. So then we switched to Lamictal. Then zonisamide with the Lamictal. And that didn't work, so we keep trying. Now I'm on Briviact and Lamictal, I've been seizure free for over three months now (the longest time since the start of January 2023! But it's taken us so long to get there, and I hated being a guinea pig and having to take six different medicines before we found a cocktail that seems to work.
Now, the stupidity. Much of my identity is based in my language skills (both in my native tongue, English, as well as my second languages) as well as my writing. Obviously there's much more to my life than just those things, much more than that, but that plays a big part in just who LinguisticHappiness is (name makes sense, huh?). But I can hardly think anymore. Lucky me that my TLE hits my language centers the hardest and I'm more or less globally aphasic when I'm in my post-ictal state. I trip over my words all the time. I make speech errors I never made before, like metathesis is my new chum the way it comes with me everywhere. I can't translate my feelings or thoughts into words. People who know me know how I am and understand this and feel for me, but when I meet new people now they assume I'm just a dumbass. I had a coworker talk down to me and try to explain how to speak English better and how to sound smarter. That was very much a confirmation of my fears. I forget what's happening all the time now. I'm a regular cannabis consumer, but I've cut down on it a whole lot since it gives me awful brain fog in tandem with the anticonvulsants, understandably. That hasn't helped a whole lot. Even removing the cannabis a lot, my short term memory is awful. I could be stone cold sober, put something down on the table, and five seconds later have absolutely no idea where it went. If I get slightly distracted in a conversation, the topic leaves my head just as fast as (or even faster than) it popped up in my head in the first place. I'm forgetting words more and more. I'm forgetting conversations I had even an hour prior. I'm forgetting basic information about people I met months ago. I started taking jiu jitsu classes recently and before all this I never had a problem seeing something and translating it to movement of my own body, and now I have difficulty sometimes following simple directions from the instructor.
I feel like a fucking moron. My brain feels more and more useless by the day. Someone else posted a day or two ago about how epilepsy has taken a lot from their life and how their "ideal" lifestyle (from the doctor's POV) would be dull and uninteresting, and ultimately unachievable. No stress, 8+ hours of sleep every night, never missing a dose, never touching alcohol, never staying up late, never going on hikes by yourself again... What's the point of taking these medicines if they're just going to make me miserable? Why try to improve my quality of life in one area just to worsen it in another? Why do I have to put all these chemicals into my brain when other people don't? Why can other people just get up and go traveling to whatever country they want whenever they want while I need to check with foreign governments to make sure I can bring my medicine and how to do that and I can't?
For someone who has difficulty translating her thoughts into words, I sure did say a lot. Sorry again for the essay. I just haven't been able to talk about this with anybody who understands it. Even though things are marginally better with the pharmaceutical cocktail I'm on now, but it's far from perfect and I still end up crying a night or two each week from this. This life I live now is much better than living in constant fear of seizures, scared that "uh oh, I feel a little woozy, do I need to warn someone and get down on the floor and take my Ativan right now?" but it's far from perfect and still not at all like life was before. I hate living in fear. I hate feeling like a complete idiot. I hate feeling trapped and limited. Even here I feel like there's so much I'm forgetting to say. Fuck epilepsy and fuck anticonvulsants.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, guys. I really appreciate all of you.

Hello
I wanted to see what you guys think about my situation
So I started taking this drug about 3 weeks ago, maybe a little more. Yes my anxiety has tapered off HOWEVER I don´t feel like this drug is suitable for me due to the side effects I have experienced (which is essentially the core of my anxiety anyways with lethargy, sleep problems, weight gain).
Anways I have been only taking 25 mg these weeks which is obviously a low dose ( I do have quite servere ADHD which apparently can give heightened experiences to drugs).
I plan on quitting cold turkey due to the short period and low dosage, but I have read about people not recommending it due to withdrawal effects and it made me a bit nervous.
Anybody has any similar experience or good advice?
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