Reading logs elementary school

Has anyone encountered this? Did the union or admin help or deal with the situation gracefully, i.e. negotiate an early retirement, etc? There's a situation at a friend's school where a colleague is not delivering instruction some days and is being investigated for discrimination for some of her actions. I've read a lot online about professors dealing with this, but not HS teachers.

I used to post a lot on Instagram when I was a teenager and seeking attention. What were the causes of this attention-seeking behavior? They were loneliness and the need to be validated by people in my community like my high school.
Most people might say “If you have self-esteem, you can overcome this”. It’s wrong. Studies have shown the pursuit of self-esteem is costly. One study advised us to pursue our virtues instead.
So How can you find your virtue if you are not religious? There are two ways.

1. “Who is a person you admire? and what are their traits that you put value in?”my answer: my friend, L because he is kind to people who deserve it. - my virtue: Kindness
2. “If you have a magical power, how would you change this world?”my answer: I would like to make a world where everyone collaborates. - my virtue: Collaboration

Thanks for reading and have a great day.

Here is the crashlog I keep getting. It happens the instant I kill the guardian in the "A Soul Divided" quest in the Ratway. I'm not exactly sure how to read the crashlog. Obviously the game is trying to access some resource but can't, or is being denied, or something. What part of the log could help me hone in on where the problem lies?

Can someone please help with this situation. I was pulled over for going over speed in a school zone (not intentionally) and the officer found that I had a suspension due to failing to pay a ticket fine which I didn’t know about at the time. I was given a ticket for speeding and driving while my drivers license was suspended. I then received a suspension for 1 year which I didn’t appeal to bc I thought I’ll be able pay the restoration fees and get the privileges back. However, when I went to the PennDot they said you can’t appeal anymore bc the period has passed (it’s been two months so far). I wonder if I can remove the suspension in any possible way. Based on what I have read so far, if I appeal after the 30 days, it it will be dismissed.

Hi okay I'm very emotional right now so this might sound like rambling. work with me here. not saying anyone's ages.
My roommate (f) has recently started seeing this new boy. They've gone on a few dates to test the waters and they call almost every night. I (nb) already don't like this dude because I grew up in school with him and know that he's a little pos. She just met him though, and sees the good in him.
I love that she's finding people, especially after her last few boyfriends, but truth be told I'm trying to stop this before it gets too far because I know him as a lil shit. Is that selfish of me? Probably. But I want her to be with someone better than him.
I was beside her yesterday night on a call with him and his friend. They were chatting and he was honestly making my opinion of him better, until we got to the subject of non binary/trans people. As you read, I am non binary. Truly I don't like labels and tend to just say I'm trans, but for the sake of clarity, I'm nb. I use they/them and I've met a lot of people recently who can't really tell if I'm a girl or a boy. It's a little painful but it's whatever.
My roommate brings up non binary people casually and this boy goes (as I recall, not perfectly quoted) "Y'know I find it so stupid that they call themselves non-binary. They just put themselves into their own binary! Can they not see that?!"
It takes me so off guard that I can't even say anything. All I can do is gesture from my roommate to the screen with a shocked look in hopes she picks up on what I'm feeling. But in the times where she muted herself and I explained it to her, she just said things like "whatever" and "okay okay" and whatnots. She went on in the conversation without acknowledging the comment or saying anything.
When they ended the call, I tried explaining in detail to her why the comment had hurt me. She didn't understand and when I asked if she would talk to him about it, she said she wasn't going to, that it didn't matter, and that she didn't want to start a fight with him. She also told me that it just means he needs to learn better, to which I asked her from who and when. We never really got to a conclusion.
I don't know what to do. I want to trust her and back her up if she does confront him, but I can't do that if she's choosing to disregard what I'm feeling in place of not wanting to have a disagreement with this boy. I also don't understand why it has to be an argument, I imagine it would just be "hey me and my friend didn't like what you said yesterday about nb people, could you not say anything like that again please?". If he says "no fuck you" then that shows his true personality, if he says "okay I'm sorry" then I'll know he didn't mean it and that he's really kind like she says he is.
(Also, the reason I want her to talk to him is because she has his contact information while I don't.)
I talked to another one of my trans friends about it and she also took great offense to what he said, so I'm wondering if this is a "trans people get it but cis people don't" situation. But am I overreacting? And what should I do, if anything?
Again, sorry if this sounds like rambling. I can clear things up in comments if questions are asked. I would appreciate answers from trans people but cis are NOT excluded from this conversation.

ok for some context im 37m and im a teacher at a universty this happend a couple days ago it started during my class when i saw my student copying off his friend i walked up to him and said "ill take that" and took his phone he said i cant do that and i said you have a school issued phone it was a friday and he got suspended for 2 days after the weekend but i decided to add an extra punishment and then i thought of it
see all teachers know the passwords to there students school issued phones so i logged on went to his spotify and played never gonna give you up on repeat i went to the band room sheet no one was using it till thursday yes! i put in the room with a spare charger he came to after 4 days he asked and i got his phone halfway through class i saw him checking his phone every five minutes wondering whats going on he shouldnt have cheated on that test

Reddit Account: nephraretDiscord Tag: nephraret
Name and House:Medea Sand, House Dayne of High Hermitage
Age: 23
Cultural Group: Dornish
Appearance: A woman of average height. Medea has tanned skin and long curly black hair that reaches her waist. One of her eyes, a shade of brown so dark it looks like the night sky, and the other a soft lilac. A jagged and large scar runs from the base of her neck, across her chest, and down to her left hip.
Trait: Ruthless
Skill(s): Ravenmaster, Scribe, Negotiator, Schemer, Rumormonger
Talent(s): Oil painting, Writing, Bird Watching, Life Drawing, Calligraphy
Negative Trait(s): n/a
Starting Title(s): Medea
Starting Location: High Hermitage
Alternate Characters: Donella Dayne
AC
Name and House: Donella Dayne of High Hermitage
Age: 57
Cultural Group: Dornish
Appearance: A short, thin old woman with thin wispy black hair. Dark eyes and olive skin. Trait: Charismatic
Skill(s): Scholar, Avaricious, Medic
Talent(s): Embroidery, keeping her family together
Negative Trait(s): Elderly, Blind
Starting Title(s): Lady of High Hermitage
Starting Location: High Hermitage
Alternate Characters: n/a
Timeline2AC: Medea is born to the Lord of High Hermitage and a Braavosi maid of the castle named Vara. Mother and daughter are given chambers in one of the lower levels of High Hermitage, at the request of Lady Donella, pregnant at the time.
4AC: An infant Medea and her mother Vara leave High Hermitage to cross the narrow sea in Pentos, where Vara’s remaining family of her brother, mother, and grandmother lived. Having remarried into a middle class merchant household, Medea’s grandmother arranged a marriage between Vara and one of the sons of her new husband.
7AC: Vara births another daughter who is named Solara. Medea, now a young child, begins being taught by a lady’s maid in the ways of etiquette. Despite being a bastard, Vara and Medea’s grandmother still intend to try to find a match for Medea that could bring wealth to their family, or at least, an heir for another. Medea quickly learns to read, rapidly becoming a voracious reader.
11AC: A young girl of nine, Medea’s studies have been going smoothly, much to the delight of Vara and Medea’s grandmother.
During a warm night, a fire breaks out in the family’s home leaving Medea’s grandmother, stepfather, Vara dead. The husband of Medea’s grandmother, Medea, and Solara are left heavily injured from the fire but alive for now. After a letter arrives for the lord of High Hermitage, Donella Dayne is the one who insists upon bringing young Medea to High Hermitage to be raised among her own children.
Medea is left heavily scarred from the fire, and a fear of the flames.
16AC: Donella Dayne, a woman of grace, never showed Medea and hostility for her bastard status. She allows Medea to continue schooling, and studies with the family's septa as the rest of the daughters.
Meanwhile, Medea ends up spending a lot of time in the rookery of the castle, feeling a fascination with the corvids the maester so dutifully tended to. The maester minds little at the young woman’s interest and even allows her to choose a chick from a clutch of eggs to raise as her own. She names the raven chick Whimsy. 23AC Astor Dayne dies of a heart attack. Alaric Dayne succeeds him as Lord of High Hermitage.
25AC: Medea lives with her half sisters, Cymella, and Alayne, her half brothers Alaric, Castor, and Darrion, her stepmother Donella in High Hermitage.
https://www.familyecho.com/?p=X72DJ&c=cfn35ma1459lbq3k&f=384952474836654711

Just a disclaimer that I am only down for SFW conversations:)
Hi! I’m looking for someone who loves to chat. I’m interested in reading, writing, romance movies (not to be confused with romcoms), nutrition, and exercise!
I’m looking to talk to someone similar. Plus someone who is also motivated like myself (I got to school and work full time).
Please no one creepy or if you have any unresolved issues. I’m just looking for a genuine normal person (if that exists on Reddit lol).
Chat soon!
Must be 22+ but like no older than 30 lol

Hello! I'm from a med school in Mindanao and nag LOA ako for a year because of mental health. I've been diagnosed and given maintenance meds. Can you give any suggestions on what to do to this summer in preparation for the next acad year? I've read from a subreddit before na studying is the last thing to do esp if nag take ng break but I think I should start reviewing my notes again baka mabigla ako once school starts. I stopped working out na rin kasi I can't see any results since masyado akong pinapataba ng meds ko. I'd really appreciate your advice. Thank you!

I [23M] recently decided to resume my university studies. I ended up returning to school for winter quarter, and as such, typical on-campus housing arrangements were mostly unavailable. I had some savings from the job I worked over COVID and I enjoy working and playing video games late at night so I thought I would try to find a living arrangement where I at least had a single room to myself in order to avoid disturbing other people who prefer to sleep earlier.
Availability for even off-campus housing was low mid-year so the best choice ended up being a long-term AirBnB. The cost (2000 USD/month) is very high for what is a very small single room in a house with housemates.
Before moving in, landlord 'Christopher' [M60s-70s] sent an email abt rules for living in his house. Regarding noise, the only guideline included was "Please remember that I live in a quiet neighborhood and be respectful of my neighbors especially when in pool area as well as in the evenings." This seemed like a reasonable level of noise/quietness to expect from tenants; I read it as 'don't throw parties that will make the neighbors call in a noise complaint.'
This turned out to be a significant under-representation of the level of quietude that would be expected. Upon moving in I found that one of the long-term housemates was the landlord's daughter 'Christina' [F30s-40s], who lived in an adjacent room to mine. Christina is a very light sleeper who sleeps from about 9:30 pm to 5 am. Christina is such a light sleeper that she will be woken up if I talk at normal conversational volume in my room at times past her bedtime.
I decided to try and accommodate these constraints. As such, past 9:30 I would attempt to only whisper into my headset microphone while playing video games with my friends online, etc.
This strategy seemed to mostly work. However, very occasionally over the last 5.5 months of my stay, I would forget and speak at normal conversational volume for brief periods after Christina's bedtime, which would wake her up. So far, over the last 5.5 months, this has happened 4 times.
Christopher and Christina are very unforgiving regarding 'quiet hours.' This most recent time it happened, two days ago, Christina claimed it had been an issue '5-10' times and Christopher had said he would charge me 100 USD for each subsequent violation of the 'house rules' (I know this is unenforceable). They think it's extremely unusual that anyone would be awake at any time past midnight. They claim I have a 'special schedule' due to sleeping from 2-9 am that I should make the fact that I have this 'special schedule' very explicitly clear when searching for future living arrangements.
AITA for talking at normal conversational volume in my room at all past ~9:30pm, let alone only 4 times over the duration of my lease? Am I the one being unreasonable here e.g. by not more-explicitly warning Christopher before I moved in that I intended to occasionally stay up until 2 am?

Hi- need serious advice. I know this is a novel, I’m so sorry but I would appreciate anyone who reads it. I’m a 20 yr old F and I live with my brother, 19 M, and my two parents. My parents are abusive. There is no way to get around it. Physically when I was young and mentally now. I can’t describe what they put me through now- it’s awful. I promised myself all throughout high school I would leave the moment I turned 18 but something kind of switched and they became more tolerable, almost nicer, so like a fucking idiot I stayed. I started my bachelors, started working and tried to convince myself it was alright. The other reason I stayed was for my brother. I’ve taken care of him my whole life. I didn’t have any other choice, and I didn’t think I wanted one. It was my duty to take care of him and I did my job as best as I could only being 11 months older. I have gotten in the middle of fights, taken beatings, punishments, paid for him, drove him, etc. Time and money I didn’t have to spare spent on him with no repayment, and I’m talking about he wanted a new $60 game so I asked him to help me while I cleaned my room (vacuuming, taking down dirty clothes, wiping down my fan). This has been going on for years. I was the one to complete his college essay, to call his advisors to get his transcripts, to do his homework, otherwise my ass was on the line with my parents. I have done everything I could for him. Plus, he didn’t even get into college because I told him he had to complete his 200 word prompt for his college application, leading him not to get accepted because he didn’t fucking do it. He’s in his first year while I’m almost in my fourth. I have had jobs for the last 3 years in my field while he has done nothing. I begged my parents for a car and drivers license for 2 1/2 years while he, at 19, only got his 4 months ago. He does the bare minimum. Less than that, actually. The night before fall semester started he got into a fight with my father, physically, left the house, and made me go looking for him and try to convince him to go back home until 5am. To say my semester was fucked after that is an understatement. It’s constant but I stay because I’m his sister. It’s my job. It’s also a cultural thing I guess. I know I’m venting but I’m getting to the point I promise. A month ago I asked him to help me clean my room so that I could study since he has a habit of fucking his room up, coming and staying in my room, taking up my bed, and asking me to buy him food. I had just returned from the library, brought him Taco Bell, and wanted to clean a bit before continuing to study for my final the next day. To be clear, if I didn’t pass this class I wouldn’t be on track to graduate or get into my optometry program. He said he didn’t want to help and bitched and moaned but when I pointed out that I had gone out of my way to get Taco Bell for him he agreed to aid. I asked him to just bring up some cleaning stuff and take down my clothes so I could have them clean for work and he left. After an hour or so of waiting for him (yes I was procrastinating and purposely didn’t ask why he was taking so long) I heard him come upstairs with a plate full of sandwiches and go into his room. I was pissed. I started to text him, angrily and cursing I’ll admit, about him not doing shit and being so annoying. I called him a bum for never following on his promises or doing absolutely fucking anything. He started texting in all caps not to call him that otherwise he swore to god I would regret it, and I, being the person that I am (a fucking idiot) called him it again. He rushed out of his room, kicked open my door and threw his phone at me as hard as he could and left me with a bruise. He started standing over me, threatening me, saying shit like he was going to throw me done the stairs, snap my neck, etc. I’ve seen him get that way before- he smashes shit to pieces, breaks anything in his sight, and generally destroys things. For some context he’s a big guy, almost 300lb and used to be able to deadlift 500+lb. I got scared, saw a knife on my counter from dishes I had yet to clean, and pulled it on him. He slowly backed off and went to his room, before I, again, a fucking idiot, called him a bum again. A stupid decision, I know, I would definitely be the bitch that got knifed in a movie and you’d cheer for her death. This time I closed the door before he could come in, he tried to break down the door while I was on the other side, and in response he smashed something made of glass on the other side and punched a hole in my door. I contacted my dad who was far away and he sent my mother home. My mother and I haven’t spoken to each other in a few months since she called me a burden for asking her to help me get my work clothes ready for the week. She came in, spoke to my brother I guess, then came in and spoke to me. She said it was unbelievable and she didn’t know what to say and when I explained what happened and then told me to study for my test. She also went back to talk to him and came back to talk with me, asking me if I pulled a knife on him, which I admitted to, only because I was seriously afraid of him pushing me down the stairs or knocking me out. After that I locked the door and when texting my parents about the situation they only told me not to worry about it, just study. I couldn’t, and I swear to god I tried, all night. I was scared and I think in shock. I got to the lecture hall early and tried to study there but that didn’t help either. I had done alright in the class, done very well in the lab, but knew I bombed the final. I went home and didn’t speak to anyone at home for days. After about 3 days I went downstairs and saw my dad who tried to act like it wasn’t a big deal. I explained how insane and irrational the entire situation was and how I wanted to move out. I couldn’t handle dealing with all of their shit, and if I was the problem like they said I was then I would be fixing that too. I have a very important board exam this summer that I also have to take to get into optometry school and I proposed that I would live on campus, only for the summer. He refused, angrily saying that it wasn’t me place to move out, that he would never support me, and that if that’s what I wanted to do I could get the fuck out right now. A few things- I pay partially for my school. I don’t make much but I put a lot of what I do have toward school and the rest towards little things for me and my brother. Secondly, almost every single thing within my bedroom I have paid for. Excluding the mattress, furniture, and my phone, I have paid for everything I need or want through hard work. Thirdly, both my parents are currently unemployed but wealthy. Wealthy enough that they can go on vacations, pay for four cars, go out with their friends, and pay for their son’s tuition with no hassle. It’s only mine that poses a problem, which is the reason they let me work. They attempt to dictate how I should spend my money constantly. The argument went on for an hour, him accusing me of failing because I chose to, him proposing that he get a lock for my door, telling me I could move into the basement, etc. When my father refused to budge I went upstairs, used a loc that I had bought for when your staying at a hotel to barricade the door and have not spoken to him since. It has been a month now and I have not spoke to anyone in person, though my mother has been trying to guilt me into making me give up my refrigerator in my room by telling me my grandfather is in hospice, there will be a funeral soon, and me having that fridge is making me too fat to be presentable, as well as trying to be nice and hugging me when I have to leave for work in the morning. Now, with all of that context, here’s what’s going on. Since the entire incident happened I have been trying to figure out a way to leave. I have looked into campus housing but it’s an additional $7000 per semester that I don’t think I can afford even if I take out student loans and do FAFSA. I’m scared of the position. It’ll put me in when it comes to going to school. I do have another choice though. I recently toured an apartment complex that is beautiful it’s my dream place and the rent is less than $1500 a month. The only problem is that I only currently make being part time 12 to 1300 a month I just got a raise to $18 an hour but even then that’s not gonna be enough to cover it if I’m going to school at the same time, I’ve looked into some options and FAFSA and loans wouldn’t be able to cover any of my housing outside of living on campus. The only problem with living on campus is I can’t make the morning drive less than an hour and a half to work and I’m afraid with how it all affect my schedule and will to study. I was honestly giving up the idea of moving out at all because it seems so impractical and there was no way that I could actually leave and take my stuff with me without a fight. However, I recently learned that my parents tomorrow are leaving on a five day vacation to Vegas with Little to no thought of how that affects me and the position that I’m in with my brother, if I can figure out a way to somehow be able to afford the rent for this place afford a car to get to work because we have really bad public transportation in my area then I think I would just drop out of school and go. I love optometry more than anything and that’s why I was willing to deal with all of this but maybe school just isn’t in the cards for me. I don’t want to give it up but I don’t think that I’ll make it out of here alive, in all honesty. I can’t keep up with everything it’s ruining my life and I’m only 20 years old. But it’s so scary that I don’t know if I can even take the steps to moving out. I just paid tuition for the spring summer semester and have only $500 to my name. I would need to take out a loan to be able to put down the down payment for the car and the apartment and what if I don’t get approved? What if my work doesn’t give me full-time? what am I gonna do then? I don’t have anybody in my life that could help me. I also have a big family that would all be on their side and agree with them and what if I leave and they come back and cause a scene that causes me to lose my job? They would 100% do that. I know for some people it’s a no brainer but put yourself in my shoes. I have no money, family, friends, or support. At least here I have car and my room and sometimes they’re tolerable. I would only have to do it for 1-2(?) more years. On the other hand, this place is destroying me. I hate who I am becoming because of it. Would it be worth giving up my future for getting my dreams or moving out? If you read all of this you’re amazing, thank you so much. I can only stare at a pros and cons list for so long 🙃

As stated in the bottom of this paragraph lol, you MUST send an introduction of who you are , from age, location, what you’re looking for ? I will not respond to a “ hi or hey” . Also no low karma users . Non - blocker and non-ghosters only..
Just A femboy looking for a serious ltr , so I’ll get to the point 🤗. I’m not here for the games , or ghosting . I’m here for something long term. Dating apps don’t work for me sadly.
Located: Texas . Willing to move to another state or have my future partner live with me .
Appearance :
A thick black femboy who loves dressing up sometimes . Height : 5’3. I wear glasses to read manga . My style is mostly goth/casual clothes from mostly anime shirts and chokers.
💙My hobbies:

• Anime : Some of my favorites animes are Tokyo ghoul , Sword Art Online , Yuri on ice , Future Diary, JJK, MHA, Yaoi(Love stage , Sasaki and Miyano)
• Manga : I’ve completed so many mangas from yaoi , Ouran high school host club , berserk , ect .
• Cosplay : I’ve done Pokémon & a Tokyo Ghoul cosplay before .
• Anime cons: I’ve been to at least 11 anime/Comic cons.
• Dueling (Yu-Gi-Oh!)
• Pokémon
• Yaoi
• Pc gaming
• Overwatch. I love this game have over 500 hrs .
• Marvel/DC
• Tv drama : The Vampire Diaries , Supernatural, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, The 100.
• Horror- big fan of tv shows , movies like AHS
• Consoles I have are : Ps5, Nintendo switch , psp, ps vita, Nintendo 3ds , wii, gameboy , ect .

🩷What im looking for in a Relationship🩷

• [ ] Monogamous
• [ ] Single
• [ ] Loyalty
• [ ] Communication
• [ ] No kids
• [ ] Open-minded
• [ ] Common interest : Nerdy (Anime, Games, Star Wars or anything nerdy)
• [ ] Sure on what you want
• [ ] Mature
• [ ] 21+ in age

▶️MY TYPE:
TALL (taller than my own height) , very communicative, masculine(mostly beards and body hair) gamers/anime nerds. These are just preferences not a deal breaker .
✅Ps: for compatibility reasons I’m a 100% bottom.
If you made it this far, please message me an introduction about yourself. This is extremely important as it tells me alot about you and for me to give you a well detailed response. Mostly a name to call you , hobbies, location (state wise) and what you’re looking for . You may send pics in the first message if you may like 😊

I have started a podcast with my wife wherein we read through The Divine Comedy together and draw out of each Canto a “Dante Daily:” a straightforward lesson you can apply that day to your spiritual life.
It grew out of my wife’s desire to read The Divine Comedy, and her request that I just walk her through it. (I am a Catholic high school teacher and taught a course on Dante with this sort of focus).
This is not meant to be a companion to an “academic” reading of Dante—for that, I recommend 100 Days of Dante. The idea of this podcast is for the ordinary spiritual life of average Christians, especially those with kids (like us!)
The nice thing is that you don’t even need to read. My wife reads the whole thing and I stop and explain when we get to the confusing parts. Then we get into the “Dante Daily,” and that’s it.
So far we have done three Cantos. The link is here:
https://rss.com/podcasts/camkambooks/1464869/
Please give it a listen and share it around. As we have kids ourselves, we are mostly likely to put out 1-2 a week rather than one a day.

Posting from a throwaway account (that's what it's called, right? I'm new here) because, you know, I'm anxious and all that. Also I’m not a native English speaker but I’m learning.
I want to say that you are all awesome here. I read the posts and comments and my heart rejoices, and it brings peace to my life.
So, let's get down to business. To be honest, I want to speak out and not keep it to myself – and get advice from those who have gone through smth like this. So this will be a story about my feelings. No, there will be like a lot of my story and then my current feelings. Oh, and kind of a disclaimer: I don’t currently consider myself transgender, but rather non-binary queer or something like that. It doesn't help me cry less.
I’m 28, AMAB. At this point in my life, I think there are too many stereotypes in my head. Like... I grew up in not the worst family, I would even say, with good liberal (regarding the country) attitudes. My mother, despite her humanity, is a very... heteronormative woman, and my father, well, he's a priest. Good priest, shitty person. My mom left him with my younger sibling after ongoing abuse (in fact, I persuaded her then), and I, as a teenager, out of pity for him, stayed with him. For a long time she didn’t want to ruin her family and all that, and her role was to stay at home and stuff like that. I believe that all this is the main reason that I have hypertrophied coping mechanisms – I perfectly escape from problems, either by physically running away, or by instantly forgetting and ignoring everything bad. At the same time, I am very easy to gaslight - I default to believing that my memories are false, and everyone around me knows better.
So my idea of the past is fragmentary. In my early childhood I liked everything feminine, but... for example, quite recently I remembered how in my early childhood I wanted to dance. My mother took me to classes, but after a couple of them, my father forced me to take the hated martial arts class instead. And as long as I can remember, I hated my masculine body – as an early teenager, I threw tantrums just to avoid wearing shorts, tshirts, sandals – baggy stuff and that's it. And don't you dare force me to cut my hair (they forced me, I cried a lot. Well, I shaved my head once in high school just to try... my gorgeous hair almost quickly grew back below my shoulders). In high school I acted gay, pretending it was some kind of joke. Well, you know, it’s also a defense mechanism: if I act gay as a joke, then obviously it’s just a joke, right? And I seriously thought about the transition, but I didn’t know how much I really wanted it - a very mild version of the anxieties that began for me later.
Right after school I met a girl, slept with her and got married a year later. It’s stupid, but now I think that this is also a christian stereotype deeply drilled into my head: get laid = get married. I loved her, we explored our sexuality a little, we had a couple of boys, for example. She always had a tough character, and I was just soft and flexible enough to compensate for this: she decided everything in the family and so on. I've been told that this resembles patterns in my family in an interesting way.
(there were a couple of paragraphs of quite an interesting story about my spouse here, but I decided that this was not relevant, unless you consider my fucked psyche in general as a matter).
So we stopped having sex because she didn't enjoy it in her medical condition and my ethics naturally say that it would be violence, even if she first tried to "fulfill her marital duty" or something. About a year later, I almost accidentally took her to the hospital and she never forgave me for that, although she admits that she would have died in a couple of days otherwise.
When she left the hospital, I had more time for soul-searching. I shared my feelings with her, but received a not very pleasant answer: “if you want to play woman, play, I don’t care” (she actually used a derogatory word for woman that I can’t translate) and, you know, that wasn’t motivating at all. Ultimately, one New year I decided that my plans for the next year were to sort out my gender issues. And soon after that I quit my job, my apartment, and everything and left the country. Coincidentally. Let's just say that I'm not exactly liable for military service, but there are risks. She, of course, refused to go with me: by that time she already had a job and she is hardcore workaholic as I said. Living in exile had a rather positive effect on me: I had many new problems, but first of all, I began to sort out my head a little. For example, I came to the conclusion that when someone sticks a knife deep into my leg because I didn’t respond quickly enough at dinner, it’s not entirely good. And I explored the concept of non-binary, which I really enjoyed, but because I speak a grammatically gendered language, they/them pronouns felt weird and inconsistent, even though it was about half as good as being addressed as she/her. I cried a lot.
After some tossing and turning, rivers of alcohol, a couple of hundred falls into love, it suddenly turned out that I had a mutual crush with one of my pen pals. And everything started to turn around. She came to my new country for the weekend and brought with her an epilator for me. It was terrible, painful, unpleasant, I hated my body, but I felt happy that someone accepted me and my feelings. I had sex for the first time in almost a decade and it wasn't even disgusting (for some time I was disgusted by everything sexual, even thinking about cutting off my genitals). She moved in with me completely, I introduced her to my mother when they were in the same country, I feel happy and accepted. Actually, I really lacked acceptance... and I still can’t accept myself. My girlfriend is a wonderful post-gender person, like, she's definitely cishetero (and I'll have some problems with that, of course, but we'll work with it), but she gives zero fucks about gender stereotypes so much that I would fall in love with her for that alone. And then I realize that I can’t be like that. I would like to. But all these things are important to me, like, excuse me, I love the pink color. Here, in principle, the story ends, although I must also say that I now live in a very conservative country, which I like, but this makes things much more complicated.
And to my feelings. There will be a confusing composition here, because it, well, worries me, and I cannot calmly assess in what order it is better to describe it.
There are fucking stereotypes and double standards in my head. I try... let's say, my criteria for other girls: she is more comfortable that she is a girl. That's all. It doesn't matter what size her beard is and so on. I consciously, since I was a teenager, nurtured such an attitude in myself, to be inclusive, ethical and so on. Almost always I manage to stay within it (and I am very ashamed, but not always. When a transgirl I knew on the Internet came to visit me and my first spouse (to sort out the documents in my city), my spouse scolded me for behaving strangely - although initially she had a worse attitude towards the idea and talked about “a peasant in a skirt”, but in the end she treated her as an individual, and I... well, if it was noticeable, then I probably treated her based on the fact that she is amab). But anyway, for other people, I think a girl is when you call yourself a girl. For myself, I believe that I will never, never, never ever be able to become a real girl. From background and upbringing to the shape of the legs and everything. Never. Ever. Never. I can't because I'm not real. I think this might be internalized transphobia?
I want - visually, socially and sexually - to be a girl. But I don't believe that I will succeed. Okay, I didn’t believe it until last year, when I got a special one that believed in me, and this was passed on to me. I feel great in the clothes she chooses for me, and she says that she has never seen me so happy.
But I'm anxious and afraid of everything. I can’t imagine transition process in this society (and I couldn’t imagine it in the previous one either), I have enough homophobia here, and transphobia is even worse. And about the feeling that I’m not a real girl, I have a huge set of fears. What if I’m simply disgusted by male stereotypes and therefore replace them with female ones? What if it's just a sexual fetish? What if, what if.... some of them contradict each other, but that doesn't help. And vice versa: what if I’m a real girl, I’m just too afraid of the transition and therefore I’m making it all up? And every one of these thoughts makes me cry and everything.
And about pronounces: I mentioned that she/her is the most pleasant to me, but from time to time I start to feel like an impostor from this, so the usual, almost not painful he/him returns back to all communication.
I tried working with a psychologist about all of this, and it helped me a lot to relieve the hellish anxiety, but it doesn't really help anymore. I don’t have the money for this, and I don’t really believe that a psychologist or psychiatrist will help me. And I have absolutely no strength to do anything myself, it’s easier for me to ignore it, just like I never look in mirrors - it’s easier than trying to do something about my disgusting appearance (in fact, no, my girlfriend helps a lot with compliments and she's really fascinated by the way I look... but again, that doesn't really help me. It's SO much easier to just not shave, for example. I already look terrible, why remind myself of this in pathetic attempts to fix it, which are doomed to failure and only take up time that can be devoted to avoiding reality?). And when I’ll have money for a psychiatrist - this is after I’ll have money for physical health - first of all it will be to fight depression, not to mention the fact that I doubt that I will find a specialist in gender issues in this country.
I'm not sure, but I guess I'm writing this in hopes that someone has had a similar experience and can give me some ideas on what I can do to feel like a better person and less of a crap. On the other hand, as far as I understand myself, I have virtually no energy to do anything, so while I would be very happy with practical advice, I expect that I will simply be happy about how wonderful people are around me, and I’ll do nothing because I don't do anything.

when transferring, will colleges read the common app essay like how they would for first-year admissions? I know some schools like Columbia won't even bother reading it. Are there any other schools that won't read it? Does the common app essay matter?

So my Grandpa was a pastor so when I go over to his house he always talks about Christianity. When I went there a while ago he was reading one of his weird books about Christianity. The book literally said that we believe in God because of faith. So you believe in God because you want him to be real that’s dumb. Also I used to go to A Christian school and I forgot the name of it but there was this song and part of the lyrics were “we live by faith and not by sight.” HUH so you are telling me that you are ignoring the facts right in front of you because you want God to be real. Believing because you want it to be true is not a reason to believe!

I need to preface this by saying that I am not interested in having a back-and-forth in the comment section. If you are interested in speaking with me, kindly message me in DMs.
I'm told women want a man who knows what he wants, so here's the whole nine yards. If there is anything here that you are not willing to accept, then don't. You will not change me now or years down the line. Obviously I intend to grow and mature (as one ought to), but I have decided who I am and what I want out of a relationship.
I am looking for a woman that I can make a permanent covenant bond with; I have no interest in flings or "long-term relationships."
I don't intend to come across as bitter or angry with any of this, just clear and up-front. It makes things easier for both of us.
Age gap is not mandatory. Don't be put off contacting me if you are closer to my age.
A bit about me:
My faith in Christ is paramount in my life. I would not be where I am without him. In taking interests in various things, I've learned a lot about God's character and design. Each new thing I learn fills me with more worship of him and wonder at his works. It is very important to me that you share this admiration of God.
I have a full-time job that I am very satisfied with, but what I feel truly passionate about is art and storytelling. To be honest, I've hit a bit of a block lately as far as my output. But I've been trying to find my feet so I can make something valuable to share with the world. I think that art and stories are a fundamental part of being human, not just a luxury. So pretty much any kind of art will spark passion in me, be it music, cinema, video games, literature, video essay, sculpture, etc. I could go back and forth for hours on a lot of things. My hope is that you and I will be able to enjoy art together and create some of our own.
I frequently spend time with another gentleman from my Church and we enjoy conversations about personal projects and contemporary issues, along with walks along beaches and park trails. He is a very important friend in my life, and I am lucky to know such a kind soul. Things aren't well with my family, so I really need that kind of presence.
While I rely on my bicycle for transport (no car), it's not a problem for me. I've been riding bikes since I was in elementary school (maybe even before). It would be really nice to ride down some trails with you.
What I expect from you:
-You need to be a follower of Jesus Christ. God needs to be an active part of your life because I intend to raise our children under Biblical values.
-You need hobbies and interests apart from me. I'm fine with helping you find things you like.
-You need to be a virgin.
-You must be humble and respectful. "Boss babe" attitudes are not attractive to me.
-You cannot have any tattoos or piercings, or have undergone any kind of surgery that affects your reproductive organs (reassignment, colpocleisis, FGM, tubal ligation, etc). I am not a doctor, so I don't know every situation that could require surgery. If you've had to undergo surgery or medication because of circumstances beyond your control, please let me know; I'm willing to hear your side of things.
-No cosmetic products. It's not good for your body and I am attracted women, not makeup. This includes fake nails and fake eyelashes. I don't need you to look "pretty." You character is more important to me.
-Related to the previous, no use of image filters in photos. I do not like the type of people who are vain and vapid enough to feel the need to use filters on their photos.
-Again related to the previous, you need to have a limited social media presence. If you have a business or post something of value (like art, for example), then I have no problem. What I'm talking about is having an Instagram or Facebook account where you make random posts to nobody in particular to "update" the internet on your life or post tons of pictures of yourself online. Basing your self-worth on the comments and likes from strangers on the internet is unhealthy, and I find people's obsessive need to take pictures of themselves very unattractive and vain.
-If we marry, I expect you treat me as the head of the house. There can't be two leaders in a household because one will have to defer to the other.
-I expect you to view marriage as something that you put work into. Marriages are a team effort, so I expect you to be a help meet.
-You need to treat me like a partner, not an adversary. Getting into arguments and nagging me helps neither of us. You must have conflict-resolution skills and a solution mindset.
-You need excellent communication skills. This means understanding yourself, putting your thoughts into words other people can understand, and verbalizing things rather than expecting me to read your thoughts.
-You cannot play games with me. Telling me about other guys to make me jealous or planning dates for specific days to pressure me into committing to you are wicked and manipulative.
-While we are dating, you cannot have a "backup plan." I expect you to not be splitting your attention between me and other men. This includes spending time outside of work with other men (family excluded).
-You must be in shape. Don't be dishonest with yourself about your weight; check your BMI. This includes being underweight, anorexic, and bulimic.
-You cannot have taken any COVID-19 vaccinations from any provider.
-No smoking, drugs, or drunkenness.
-I expect you to completely renounce fast food if we date or marry. We will never feed our children McDonald's.
What you can expect from me:
-While we are dating, I will not be speaking to other women.
-I cannot meet your height, money, or attractiveness expectations. I am simply an average dude. I am critical, abstract, and imaginative in my thinking though.
-I will not ask you to do something that is unreasonable or demeaning. I will only ask of you what I expect from myself. No relationship is going to be 50/50 100% of the time, but I will put forth the effort I am able to. I expect the same out of you.
-I will not raise my hand against you. My hands will be a safe place for you.
-I will be available to listen to your troubles and help you bear through them.
-I will not demean you or humiliate you, whether or not you are in the room.
-I will show leadership in our house and exercise restraint with a mild temper.
-I will cherish you and treat you as my own body.
-I will devote myself to displaying my love for you in a language you understand, even if I am feeling distant from you because of troubles we face. I expect the same from you.
-I will not turn to another woman and betray you.
-I intend to keep every promise that I make with you.
-I will treat our children with patience and kindness, but diligently discipline them and instruct them appropriately.
Please tell me a bit about yourself and what you expect out of a relationship, but be practical and clear. A list of platitudes like "loyal, honest, etc" does not help me understand what you're looking for. Think about what your expectations look like in a tangible, everyday way.

Help me understand please.
This is a humble request to explain in as much as detail as you possibly can, from a Christians’ perspective what does it mean if your ‘potential’ partner does not follow your beliefs. If you would like to cite quotes straight from the Bible or so, I will sure look those up too and would greatly appreciate it.
A bit of context, I met someone online through a common interest (i.e. not dating apps). We started a friendship which grew into an online relationship. There is a large distance between us, I live in Europe and she lives in South America. Due to the economic situation of both we haven’t been able to meet physically. We are 10 months into knowing each other and all of a sudden we are facing the topic of religion.
Without going into too much detail, she suffered bad experiences in her teenage years and found in Evangelism her path to God. She congregated often and found peace in the Bible and the group of people. Since then life has gotten in her way and she hasn’t been able to attend those meetings. She is in her early twenties. Despite this, her faith is very solid and plans to return at some stage of her life to this practice.
In my case, I was born in Hindu family, but mainly Catholic country (Europe), and in fact attended a Catholic school. I moved abroad for my studies. I don’t identify myself with any religion although i do have minor spiritual practices which are common. I do believe there are many ways to God. For me the best example of a believer is a good human being, one that represents a high moral standard, shows kindness and respect to others and himself, keeps a balanced schedule and works to improve oneself.
I never like to discuss religion with anyone as I truly believe it is a very personal topic, but in this case if we are planning on meeting and forming a family this topic needs to be discussed.
The issue we are facing is that according to her, Christians only believe that their path is the only one to Salvation. I personally have no issue in respecting Jesus, the Bible, the Church or the Christians. In fact, I would be more than happy to encourage her to attend her meetings and I stay home with the kids. I would be happy to attend, read, or even chant… but deep in my heart I don’t see myself being an Evangelist.
I cannot express how difficult it is for me to understand her in this regard that’s why i am seeking your help. The example i can put is: if someone asks me how to go from A to B, i would say you can take a plane, you can take a boat, you can take a car, a bus or a bicycle or a combination of these. For her, you can only go by plane.
Please advice?

At the very beginning of my Freshman year, my mother and grandpa passed away. [sorry for the dramatic cold open!] I was struggling a lot that first semester, and while I was getting through the classes, I wasn't doing great at them. Not as great as I know I could.
By second semester, I ended up transferring into online classes, where I basically gave up, and dropped all of them. After that, I applied to a tiny private College-Prep liberal arts school and that's where I'm at now. It's nice, they lean heavily into having everyone do focused college-like Humanities classes and Arts. The summer before I started attending, my father also passed away. I hadn't been living with him, my parents were divorced and he wasn't in a position to take me in, but that still sucked.
Now obviously, having an entire semester of Fs on my transcript is problematic. Another issue is the fact that the school I currently go to doesn't actually do GPAs. All our grades are basically written as narrative evaluations, and since very few schools do that, it's hard to find resources outside of the web of my own school. If a College were to request a GPA, our school would be able to provide one, but that's basically a matter of the Principal reading through my evaluations, and determining roughly what they would be roughly equivalent to if I was at the nearby public school.
All of my evaluations have been absolutely solid, I'm fairly certain I would have straight As. In addition, while attending I did take a virtual French II class over the summer, Japanese 101 and Biology 101 at nearby Colleges; I have an A in all of them. I'm sure if I requested a GPA for my regular classes, I would have mostly As. I have taken Calculus I [AB], but I'm awaiting my AP score. Calculus AB/BC are the only AP classes my school offers. For what it's worth, I got a 1350 on my PSAT 11.
My goal is to go into Math. I plan to take Calculus II/BC and Engineering next year, and also Linear Algebra in the fall off-campus [which I will likely be eligible for, just need my AP score]. When it comes to colleges, I really don't know what is reasonable for me to even shoot for.
I'm in a weird nebulous position where I was supposed to graduate next year, but failed so I'm behind a year, but also have enough credits to graduate next year anyways as a Junior, if I wanted to. I've thought about it, but I don't know if that's what I should do.
I have had conversations with my principal, and I think they recommend I take the extra year simply to offset the Fs from those online classes from before I transferred. My principal jokes that now is pretty much the only time in my life where it will be beneficial to be an orphan, and I think that's probably kinda true. I had to pick myself up and take initiative for a lot of the things I'm doing, and I have constantly excelled since moving schools. I have been living semi-independently, juggling between houses [I haven't lived with my legal guardians in ~2 years, but they're still present]
When my principal was in High School, he attended Telluride for the summer, and now has the opportunity to 'nominate' students for it, and he plans to do so for me in the Fall. I'm thinking of doing that, it sounds great.
This Spring I applied for PROMYS, and although I think I did well on the application, I unfortunately, got rejected. Of course, I knew that was a reach program so I didn't expect much, but now my summer's free! There's always next time.
I also thought about simply applying to a few absurd reach schools in my Junior year (Hail Mary), since technically I could be eligible, and if I end up getting rejected from them, then I would still be fine. I could just go ahead and do my Senior year, after having gained experience with the College admissions process.
I'm also somewhat aware of QuestBridge, and that could be a good option if I went that route this Fall; if I'm eligible for the match, apply for what looks good, and if I match, then free money! If not, then try again next year with a stronger background. From my understanding, finalists for that tend to be high-achieving students from low-income backgrounds. I'm certain I fall under that umbrella. Only one of my parents graduated High School and went to College, however, given that my mom's culinary degree probably hasn't impacted my life much in about 3 years, I've been told there may be room to argue I'm a "first gen" -- No idea if that's true.
All of this is to say, I don't really know what I should do. I hope I described my situation well enough for you to get a gist of my predicament, if anyone has advice, I would appreciate it. Although I feel like I'm in a very unique situation, I'm sure there's someone else who's been in a similarly-shaped boat on here.
In the meantime, I need some rest. I have to move out soon, I'll be taking French again online this summer, and I'll be starting two independent studies in Game Design and Novel Writing; I would like to get a job with my city's public library soon, because I've been an intern for my school's library this year and that seems like a nice transition. Probably try and take the SAT in August... also need to learn how to drive.... well, I have a busy summer.