if this is not ok to ask pls delete. can you have sensory problems without autism? every time i search spd it comes up with autism and adhd but i don’t think i have either. i have hearing problems like my brain doesn’t process it correctly, get incredibly overwhelmed by noises (misophonia) and will lash out because of it, textures on my feet or when i touch something uncomfortable makes me genuinely frustrated, i can’t eat certain foods without throwing up because of the texture (even if i force myself which leaves me low on nutrients i need especially protein), lighting and certain noise triggers will make me deem a place unsafe and make me incredibly anxious to the point my heart beats way too fast, when i see pictures my brain will make up sensory noises and it can be annoying or overwhelming sometimes, etc. i’ve never been tested for anything though i was a very quiet kid and slipped through the cracks in other aspects (speech impediment never recognized, the fact my hearing is not great because my brain can’t properly comprehend what’s being said, somehow got away w not learning stuff other ppl i went to school w did, etc etc).
my brother is however diagnosed with autism so i know it’s a possibility but i don’t resonate with the things my brother does outside of sensory problems, emotional distress over change, like things in specific order and it genuinely infuriates me when others can’t understand that and mess it up, and i notice he’s constantly being misunderstood which i heavily relate to and feel bad for him. he has a very literal way of thinking i don’t resonate with, when he reads facial expressions and sees someone being snarky he’ll see a smile in the snarky face and ask why they’re smiling if mad. i’d recognize it as mad and highly internalize it i can understand the difference. i have no special interests like he does, he doesn’t seem to understand when he’s being what’s considered rude or will repeat things my mom says (extremely rude lady) and won’t realize he’s hurting peoples feelings. i recognize things that are rude and would never say them though sometimes i’ll accidentally not realize something was until after during self reflection and i feel horrible/ constantly think about it even though it’s done. he mocks ppls laughs and voice and i’d never do that and he had developmental delays i didn’t but my mom was extremely understanding w his and i’d get physical reactions to not doing things properly as a child.
a really drawn out way of asking the question in the title just wanted to add some context and to list it out for myself and others in a way that makes sense. i’ve seen a psychiatrist many times in my life but mostly when extremely low/ in a bad mind space so mostly just get diagnosed for depression. though twice i was told they were keeping an eye out for borderline diagnosis but i’d have to stop treatment due to lack of $ so it was never officially diagnosed. mentioning this bc i’ve seen it has some similarities to autism and in case somehow bpd is related to sensory processing. thank you for any and all insight given to help me!
*also just to clarify i’m not trying to diagnose myself rather adding the differences between my brother who is diagnosed and myself as a way to reinforce i don’t feel i have autism or adhd and idk why i have such a long explanation lol but my question is still can you have spd without autism?

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/IcemanEx54
GM Locked Me Out Of Interacting With Other Players Because I Got Confused
Originally posted to rpghorrorstories
TRIGGER WARNING: manipulation, controlling behavior, sexism
Original Post March 6, 2024
I'm a player in a tabletop RPG campaign and I just wanted to vent about this session. The GM uses a "rules light" homebrew system and it's his homebrew world as well. He's been doing this campaign for years now, but I just joined through a mutual friend after another player left recently.
When I joined the campaign, the GM had told me he wanted me to be from a particular country as a prince, and since it was his homebrewed world, I went with it. The country I'm a prince of is a massive empire that has conquered many lands. I wanted to be a morally good character so I made up a backstory where my prince had a secret romance with a commoner so it gave me more empathy and understanding than my other royal peers would have. Then in session 1, he had the commoner immediately break up with me since the players were all leaving the city session 1.
Several sessions later, there is a carnival being hosted in the empire and all the players are attending. The players split up and my part began with my character watching as a mentally handicap child was put in the dunk tank and was being dunked against his will. So I had my character help the child and stop the game (This isn't relevant to the larger story but I thought it was really weird). Then I am told I have to go to the "main stage" which is just a strip club seemingly. And of course, walking around topless serving drinks is my character's commoner love interest that I made in session 0. The GM laughs a bit and comments, "Isn't it funny? Look at what your ex has to do without you." I have my character give her the shirt off his back and we go to the outskirts of the carnival to find a quiet place to talk, but then the carnival was ambushed by some enemies as arrows and fire rained down on the parade.
Suddenly, my character and his ex are teleported back to the main stage and the GM starts jumping back and forth between all the player characters asking what we want to do without any sort of initiative and if we don't respond quickly enough he skips to another player. I ask, "What direction are the arrows coming from?" GM, "You can't tell". "Which direction to the palace?" I ask. "You don't know," he tells me. I'm honestly genuinely confused about what to do here and my mind goes blank, but then the GM has my bodyguard (a Brienne of Tarth type) tell me to follow her so I do. As he cuts back and forth, another player loses his mom in the chaos, I tell GM, "I want to help him find his mom." "You can't see him" GM tells me. Then I ended up surrounded by 12 ambushers in the "Pleasure Gardens". GM asked what I would do. I say since the carnival is burning, I look for a piece of wood on fire and since it's the pleasure gardens maybe there's some oil I can spill and light on fire to separate myself, my bodyguard, and ex who are all with me from the ambushers. He tells me there's no oil and then I'm held down by the men. I tried to escape, but he says I failed (he just did a dice roll behind his screen and didn't tell me the results). I am then hogtied by the ambushers with my bodyguard and ex and thrown in a cart. Meanwhile, the other two players have stolen a cart and are escaping. I try to do a goofy wave as my character is tied up towards my companions and he just says, the carts never pass each other so the other players don't see you. Before the session ends he tells me my bodyguard is dead.
After the session, I think my body language showed I was a bit bummed. So GM pipes in, "You want to know why you failed that encounter?" He proceeded to tell me it was because I followed my bodyguard and there was no way a woman could have protected me and I needed to make the choice instead. Some of the other players chimed in and said it was surprising my bodyguard failed since in the lore she was a 20-year veteran who survived "The Great War". The GM keeps defending his choice. Then he started making self-deprecating jokes about how he just sucks then and he's the worst GM ever until the other players all reassure him it's fine. I kind of just sat there shell-shocked.
His system reduces dice rolls to a rarity and he does them all himself as a "way to keep tension". I'm honestly more about hanging out with my friends than judging the quality of any campaign or system but this was my first "combat" of any sort in the campaign and I just felt so helpless in this system and it was frustrating. Plus there are no insight or persuasion rolls, just what the GM claims "my character would know" and "how his NPCs would act". So I'm not sure how I was supposed to handle this encounter. Being a GM myself, I thought he was using my bodyguard character to get me back on track, but I thought wrong. I honestly wouldn't have minded if he was just railroading me for a plot point, but him trying to manipulate me and saying his hands were tied when he essentially locked me out of interacting with the other players for the rest of the session is what bothers me the most.
Edit: Changed gaslighting to manipulating since I was using the term wrong and don't want to dilute it's meaning.
Update: GM Defends Style And Told Me He Owns My Character March 20, 2024
This is an update from my post a couple of weeks ago.
One of my friends in the group reached out to me and asked me to not leave the group. He told me there were only 2 sessions left and asked me to stick around as a favor to him. I told him I'd reach out to GM and see if we could get on the same page. So I texted the GM and told him I wanted to talk because I had some concerns after the way everything went down last session. He was down and we talked on the phone a couple of days later. To my surprise, the first thing he did was profusely apologize. I hadn't been responding in our group chat, partly because I was mad and partly because my partner had a death in her family. I guess me not responding caused him to dwell on the last session a bunch. He said he was going to retcon my bodyguard's death and keep her alive. I even told him that the treatment of women in the campaign was bad and that it was making the story worse, he told me that it is something that he can work on being better about too. I was surprised, but all this gave me a lot of optimism for this conversation.
I was honest and I told him that his homebrew system is very difficult for me since I don't have a character sheet. So my character doesn't have abilities, he doesn't level up, and I can't do things like roll investigate or perception rolls which makes it hard for me to make informed decisions. I told him it makes me very risk adverse because I don't have things like HP to even know if I'm in danger. He responded to this by telling me I shouldn't worry about that because his GM style rewards me if I roleplay well enough. He went on to say he hates systems with things like perception rolls because that's "Not how real life works".
I also lamented the fact that I also don't get to interact with the other players much. I didn't mention this in my first post, but he plays with all of us in a Discord call but he only plays with us one at a time, and the two of us who aren't playing are expected to listen and record notable quotes for his notes. He'll switch between characters where each player gets 2-3 "scenes" in a 3 hour session. He has our characters all spread out across the country Game of Thrones style and I've only gotten to play with another player in 2 sessions so far. This was also why that carnival scene was so frustrating because all 3 players were finally in the same place and we were trying to find each other and he just kept saying, "You don't see them".
He told me that he doesn't do party-based adventures because you can't get character growth that way. I pushed back and said I've seen awesome character growth in traditional DnD style games in the past, it just depends on the group. I also said he's just making things harder for himself by trying to run three campaigns instead of one. And if we don't have character sheets and aren't in a party then this is all more dramatic improv than a tabletop RPG.
He responded by saying his way is better because it creates a real story and that I should be happy because he made me the main character. (I guess that is what me being the prince means?) He then went on a rant about how much he loves the game world he created and he's very grateful that our characters brought it to life. But then he says that since it's his world, he feels like he owns our characters now and that after the campaign he wants us all to sign off on him using the characters to write books and a screenplay. And if we don't he'll just change their names and do it anyway. He then thanks me and tells me that this campaign is the main thing that has been stopping him from self-harm and going to dark places. Then he says he has to go and he rushes to hang up before I can say anything else.
I'm dumbfounded after that rapid-fire series of bombshells. I've known since the first few sessions that this was barely a TTRPG, but I got to hang out with my friends so I didn't care what it was. It was nice to hang out with old friends a couple times each month. Then the story got weird, and there was so much misogyny, and then I had the horrible session that caused my original post. Then in this conversation, he throws up even more red flags that I'm not blind to, but he is also planting a seed that he may harm himself without the campaign which is not something I want on my conscience. I'm just exhausted at this point.
TLDR: GM says that abilities and parties make TTRPGs worse and he wants to use our characters to write books/movies after the campaign because he owns them since we're playing in his world. He says he may fall back to self-harm without the campaign, making me feel guilty for wanting to leave.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
ShitThroughAGoose

Any update to this?

OOP

I ended up doing one more session for the finale. There was some drama during that session and when I mentioned that I didn't want to play in the next season of the campaign. I wasn't sure if I wanted to post about it again. I might still, but I think I want to take some time and reflect on everything.

Final Update May 11, 2024
[Final Update] Moving On From My Toxic DM And Losing A Friend In The Process
This will hopefully be my last post on this sub for a long time, but I’ve been using this place to vent about my toxic situation for a while so I figured I might as well post how everything concluded and what happened when I left. I’m going to reflect on everything and recap the important parts so no one has to read 3 posts.
It all started when I decided to start DMing to keep in touch with some college friends after graduation. During my first campaign, one of the players, Pirate, asked if his friend, Colorado, could join. I didn't really know Colorado, but I figured, "the more, the merrier."
Colorado had some issues early on, giving unsolicited advice to everyone on how to play and viewing newer or shy players as “side characters”. However, he frequently missed sessions, only showing up for less than half of them for the first few years so nothing came to a head early on. Then, Colorado decided he wanted to bring back his tabletop campaign from his college days and started trying to recruit players after my sessions. Pirate suggested I join the campaign, promising that Colorado was a better DM than player. Since I had been the Forever DM up to that point, I agreed to give it a go.
I created a character who was part of the royal family but enjoyed interacting with commoners in the slums, even having a secret girlfriend from that background. After that, Colorado also started hitting me up to help with the campaign. I ended up photoshopping character art for a bunch of his NPCs and I even drew his world map for him. I didn't mind doing it, as I do that kind of stuff for fun.
For our first session, Colorado had already created character sheets for us based on our backstories, but only he could see them. Colorado would also roll all the dice himself so “all we had to focus on is roleplaying”. We played one on one in different "scenes" that could last around 30 minutes to an hour each. We usually had around 2 to 4 scenes per session, depending on what Colorado thought was important. During the game, Colorado asked us to write down quotes from him and the other players when it wasn't our turn.
I had to wait for well over an hour before I could finally play. My first session was on rails. I mostly just had to repeat after Colorado during a ceremony. Afterwards, I got to sneak out of the castle and meet with my commoner girlfriend, but Colorado immediately had her break up with me. Then I was told that I had to leave the city. I was essentially locked out of my hanging out in the slums and commoner girlfriend subplots. NPCs generally disliked my morally good character, especially my sister who was depicted as purely evil towards me. Despite my efforts to mend the relationship, she never changed her mind and Colorado never rolled any dice to determine that. Later Colorado revealed to me the character was based on his ex-girlfriend, who was originally intended to be the player character from my country before they broke up.
Eventually, I finally got to interact with another player, Soldier, who I had really good chemistry with and we had a really fun scene. Which Colorado exclaimed, “See! This is why I keep you apart. It makes these moments so much more epic!” But I’m just thinking that if we were in a party, every session could be this epic.
Then Colorado got busy. He went to some alternative medicine nature retreat and didn’t pay his rent the whole time he was gone so he got evicted. At that point, the campaign went on hiatus as people got busy and Colorado was couch hopping. It was during that time I considered the campaign over and made my first post because I thought it fit the sub. Then a year after the last session, Colorado started trying to organize the group to do 3 more sessions to finish the campaign. I just ghosted the group chat for a while, but Pirate’s roommate is a player in the campaign I DM so Pirate started hopping on the call asking me to come back for the finale. Pirate told me that it would be different this time because all of our characters were going to meet up for the finale and he really wanted to play with me. I naively agreed to give the game a second chance.
The first of those three sessions led to this post and this follow up.
[TLDR - I never got to meet up with the other characters. Colorado made my ex a stripper and I was captured by invaders with no dice rolls to prevent it. I had a conversation with him about my concerns after the last session. He apologized and agreed to make changes saying he needed the campaign for his mental health.]
Colorado decided to have a single super finale session, which I reluctantly attended because of sunk cost fallacy. I was imprisoned, beaten and whipped, separated from my girlfriend and recently resurrected bodyguard. A deus-ex ninja offered to help me escape, but I wanted to save all the prisoners. So I helped the commoners escape with the ninja before saving my girlfriend. My bodyguard got captured, but I made sure my girlfriend escaped and then I went to save my bodyguard because I wasn’t letting her die after she just got resurrected. I tried to find my bodyguard but every door was locked and I was forced into a long one on one fight with a guard that would make John Carpenter blush. I lost the fight due to an unknown -2 modifier on my fighting rolls, leading to my re-imprisonment.
Pirate tried to board a boat to reach my location, but was unsuccessful. Colorado informed him that the sailors refused to let him on the ship because they didn't like his tone. Fortunately, Soldier saved me and we agreed to stop the big bad and rescue my bodyguard together. With a squad of Soldier's peers, we pursued the big bad into the woods. Without any rolls, all the other soldiers were sniped by archers.
Finally, the two of us reached the clearing where the big bad and his followers were. We were outnumbered about 30-2. My bodyguard and the other commoners were tied to a tree. Soldier was the same race as the villain so he approached while I stayed hidden. He delivered an awesome passionate speech against the big bad's actions saying that it wasn’t what their ancestors would want. I’m sitting there waiting and hoping for a persuasion roll… and nothing. Colorado says the big bad doesn’t change his mind and he sets the tree on fire, causing my bodyguard and the commoners to burn to death. Soldier and I retreated into the woods to end the campaign.
Pirate was supposed to have a scene after us, but he fell asleep because it was past 1am. Colorado kept trying to call Pirate on the phone. I joke, “Hey, we’re old now, being up past midnight isn’t as easy as it used to.” To which Colorado replies, “I just thought Pirate had more respect for me than this.” The Discord call becomes quiet and after Colorado starts focusing on Soldier and I. He wants to know why we’re not discussing the ending more. I remarked that it was a bit of a downer and I’m tired. Then Colorado starts spiraling, saying that RPGs are just another medium that he failed at just like film and music. HE STARTS CRYING and hangs up from the Discord call. Soldier and I stayed on and had a short “That was awkward” conversation. I don’t know Soldier well so I didn’t say much about my grievances with the campaign and eventually we ended up just talking about Baldur’s Gate 3 for an hour.
The next day, I wake up to a barrage of texts from Colorado apologizing, mansplaining how hard it is to be a DM as if I’ve never done it myself. He then starts sending me messages with all his ideas for my character in the next season and how he promises I’ll have more freedom next time. I wouldn’t understand, but he NEEDED to do the prison sequence and my bodyguard to die for my character growth, but next season will be different. I tell him I’m not doing another season. Colorado replies saying that he thought I’d say that because Pirate (who was apparently not sleeping) told him Soldier and I were bitching about the campaign after the session. Colorado said that once I get over it, we can start talking about season 3. I reaffirmed my stance. Then Colorado texts me one last time and asks if I’ll still make his maps and character art even if I don’t play. I said no again.
It's been two months since I last heard from Colorado or Pirate. We used to play games and talk about pro wrestling all the time, but now there's been no contact. A lot of the comments on my posts helped me realize I was prioritizing Colorado’s mental health over my own and I felt like it was my responsibility to support his campaign because he constantly referenced how important it was to his mental health. Intentional or not, he preyed upon my empathy. I’m not his Giving Tree and I shouldn’t be left a stump for a campaign where he doesn’t even want us to affect the world.
I sometimes worry Pirate is going through a similar situation to me, but for a longer period of time. Pirate introduced me to Colorado, and he's really loyal to him. I think that slowed down my exit from the group because I trusted Pirate to be my friend as well. I remember opening up to Pirate about a panic attack I had while Colorado was spiraling one day, and he just shrugged it off as me being dramatic. It's frustrating. I want both of them to be happy, but I can't make that happen for them, especially if it comes at the expense of my own well-being.
I ended up venting to some of my irl friends and they really supported and listened to me which is why I didn’t feel a need to vent here. I learned a lot about what not to do when DMing from this campaign and it made me reevaluate my approach to playing RPGs. Now I'm in a group with my irl friends and it's a blast. I can relax and just have fun playing again.
TLDR - I started DMing to stay connected with college friends who were scattered across the country. One player, Pirate, introduced me to Colorado, who eventually took over as the DM. Colorado had some unconventional methods, such as not using character sheets and controlling all the dice rolls. The game became focused on his storyline and my character had limited agency. Despite this, I gave the campaign a second chance. In the final session, things went poorly, and Colorado had a breakdown. Despite his apologies and promises for the next season, I decided not to continue playing. I have not heard from Colorado or Pirate since. I now play with my real-life friends and it's much more enjoyable.
RELEVANT COMMENTS/ADDED INFO
TicketPrestigious

Glad you're doing better. That does sound like quite a toxic situation.
If I've understood it right, the stuff with Pirate 'falling asleep' but actually listening in to you and Soldier talking feels like a massive red flag to me. I understand worrying about him since you were/felt like you were friends, but if he's enabling Colorado with that sort of stuff then it's probably best to move on.

OOP

Yeah even the best case would be that Pirate woke up after Colorado left the call and just overheard Soldier and me talking without us realizing because his mic was muted and we assumed he had passed out and then he snitched after which is still a bad look tbh. I had been distancing myself from Pirate since he invalidated my panic attack prior to this. It's just hard to be vulnerable with someone again after that.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP
DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I (18M) just don't know what to do. For years now, I've been struggling with whether I actually had close friends or if everyone just put up with me (for context I am on the spectrum and sometimes don't notice social clues. It's slight, but it does sometimes make me wonder). Sometimes over the years I got addicted to YouTube and watched it as much as possible, but I'm better now. Recently however, a string of strange things have made me worry even more then before. My biggest fear however, is that this is the start of me becoming a toxic person who thinks no-one really cares about them and I don't want to be a bad person (I do know that my family cares about me however).
I've always been good a making friends, but not close ones. Always the friendship either deteriorates or we just text one in a while. Things over the years have been tough on the social side. The only people that ever texted me first were my family or once my girlfriend (now ex). If I don't sent text messages to my friends then I will get nothing. Sometimes I think that half my contacts have ghosted me, and that makes me worried that I did something wrong or the such. The last time I've been invited to an event from one of my many friends was about 7 years ago, no birthday parties or even an ask to hangout. Sometimes I ask and I go, but for most of the time I feel like an A-hole for jumping in and asking.
Now all this has boiled in my mind for a while, but only like once every 2 months did it actually bother me to the point of self doubts. However, the past few weeks have made it all bubble up. I should say for context it's almost time for graduation, and that has been the main source of my perceived or not troubles. The other day I sat down to listen to a friend practice a speech, and then was shooed away! I thought maybe it was because I was a guy, then seconds later after leaving another friend(male this time) sat down to listen and was allowed to stay! I was told please don’t (for sitting down) serval times until I left.
First, I have not gotten a single graduation invitation, even though most of my friends are graduating with me. I’ve seen some of my friends give invitations to mutual friends that are also graduating. It hurt but I didn’t say anything. And finally for the last thing that was recent, one of my teachers had our class each make a paper with our name on it, and then we went around the room writing sincere complements about each other. Everyone else, and I mean everyone, had their papers filled to the brim with stuff, spilling onto the back. I got the least by a long shot. I barely had about a dozen, and my paper was so bare. I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others but man it hurt.
I don’t know what’s going on or how to fix it. I want to know if it’s all in my head, if I’m a bad person to get to know and if so, I want to know how to change, or if this is a mental health problem. If it’s just my friends, then advice would help as well. As stated before I don’t want to be a bad person and I want a healthy social life. Any advice would be helpful and thanks for reading this long scroll of text.
​
​

Due to unfavorable testing (tired, not completely understanding all questions) my daughter was put into the “unspecified neuro” category. She’s 10 next month and has: age regression, unexplainable and explosive moods, and troubles with both reading and math. She zones out a lot as well which is where I think the academic struggle is coming from.
Tutoring, therapy, fighting with the school systems and just dealing with the day to day wild moon swings can be hard on both of us. But it’s moments like today that makes me appreciate her beyond words.
Had a play date with her best friend and mom today at the park. Her best friend apparently has a severe speech impediment and face spasms. You have to really listen to her. Even with giving her my undivided attention I struggled. I was pleasantly surprised at the amount of focus and capability my daughter gave her. The way she looked into her best friend eyes and understood absolutely everything she said. Her mother told me my kid was her only friend, and that she talks about my kid often.
To hell with teachers (not all, but unfortunately all of her teachers ever thus far) and their passive aggressive berating of us. This encounter warmed my heart to heavenly levels.
Shoutout to the neurodivergent umbrella! It’s my FAVORITE umbrella, and I’m so thankful to experience it.

Thanks to u/spacepaladin15 for creating NoP
Memory Transcription
Subject: Yuelso, Maj. General, Yotul Technocracy Defense Forces
Date (Sol Standard Time): June 22nd, 2140
I stood outside a set of massive doors, preparing for a speech.
I needed to convince the SC that we needed to prepare for war with the Romulans. However, I was on the less than optimistic side. It’s been barely three years since the war with the Federation, and I seriously doubt many species will be willing to commit to yet another war.
I did know a few might, The Humans, Venlil, and Krakotl. The Humans knew the best of being pulled into an unwanted war, and are likely to support a mobilization. If so, their allies in the Venlil would most probably follow. As for the Krakotl, they are very aggressive towards potential threats, and I had little doubt they would support a war.
Us, the Yotul, knew the threat best. I was sent here to try to gain the support of the rest of the SC.
However, a lot of species were just as likely to lend no support. The Nevok and Fissans were still focused on their trade war, which would be hurt by an actual war. The Zurulians aren’t very aggressive. Hell, Eviras was a massive outlier. They were more likely to offer medical aid. There were about 40 other members that would likely only take limited The Gojid were the one uncertain factor. They were still rebuilding, even long after the raids in 2136, but were still quite adamant and were not opposed to putting up a fight.
At least a small defensive force is one I’d take.
The door opened loudly, scaring me a little.
“General, they’re ready for you. Good luck” said one of the staff.
I sighed, and walked into the large chamber. The dozens of species that made up the SC were all at desks encircling a podium in the center. I walked up, and began.
“Good evening, members of the SC. I know the last month has been hectic, but I needed to address this.”
I decided to drop the ball on them early.
“We need to prepare for war with the Romulans”
“Do we know if they plan to invade?” Spoke the Gojid representative.
“Unfortunately, nothing concrete. I don’t need to explain why information on the Romulans has been rare.”
“Then why prepare for war? These Romulans don’t seem to want anything to do with us.”
“Prime Minister Falris, the attack on the border has me more than convinced their intent is war.”
“I’m not convinced. We don’t even know their fleet size or capabilities. How do we know they could even challenge us?”
“That’s the problem, we don’t know. Any species that’s gone so far as to have themselves struck from history I cannot trust. Not to mention if the raid really is what I’m thinking, they will be back in even greater force.”
“Besides. Our information on the Romulans will not be limited for long. Remember that destroyer and stealth materials I requested?” I added.
“Yes. Based on your request, I assume the destroyer was given the stealth composites?”
“Correct. It’s been sent on a mission to spy on the Romulans. They are due back in a few days. Hopefully with information.”
The Prime Minister attempted to form a rebuttal, but ended up silently conceding.
“May I ask why you think they plan for war?” Zurulian representative Chausson questioned.
“You can see it not only in the border attack, but how the attack was carried out. They tested our capabilities.”
“How so?”
“If the attack was meant solely to destroy the sensor stations, then why did they allow station ten to alert us? Why did they wait for the fleet to arrive instead of continuing their assault? This suggests it was a probing move. They checked our border defenses, response times, detection, and combat capabilities. The way they fight war is the most textbook idea of ‘Information is power’. Why else would they hide themselves but to prepare for war? Why else poke and prod at enemies but to know their strengths?”
“I agree.” Secretary General Zhao responded.
“We do need to watch these Romulans. While we cannot say for certain that they’re preparing for war, we cannot just ignore the threat.”
“I’d like at least a small fleet. Nothing extraordinary, but enough to hold off the romulans, should they come knocking.”
Laulo, our ambassador, spoke up.
“Our government has already discussed it, we’ll be providing the core of this fleet, but we’ll need any assistance we can get.”
“Don’t you people already have the second strongest fleet? Why would you need our help? Go fight these Romulans on your own.” said someone off in the back.
“You expect us to fight an entire war for you? Maybe we’ll just give you to the Romulans!”
“Hey!”
The two of them sat silent
“We will not have that kind of talk here. The two of you should know this.” Zhao
The room sat silent.
Ambassador Tarva broke the silence.
“I can tell from the tension we may need time to deliberate. General, thank you for talking. We’ll inform you later of our decision”
“Thank you, Ambassador.”
I departed, quickly realizing I didn’t have anything scheduled for the rest of the day. I was expecting the meeting to take a lot longer.
What now?
I decided I’d head back to my room, and later I’d wander around Vienna.
Vienna was a strange city. Back on Leirn, the cities were still relatively small and local, as the Federation had been in the middle of “Modernizing” us. Not to mention, I had been born in a shack in the wilderness. Vienna left me with sensory overload, and I couldn’t decide if I hated or loved it.
Walking down the street I tried to settle on something to do. Vienna was largely based around the embassies, so the streets had sights from plenty of cultures across the SC. A Venlil strayu bakery, A Krakotl furniture store, A Nevok shipping company next to a Fissan shipping company (of course). Funnily enough, a Mazic had set up a car dealership for smaller species. It was funny imagining the massive dealer happily prancing about the tiny cars.
I felt a buzz in my right pocket, and pulled out a pad.
It was a sister of mine. Graiva.
I answered, and my sister’s brownish-red fur, and squeaky voice appeared.
“Yusu! I was told by Eviras you were off on business. Where are you?”
“Earth. Some city called ‘Vienna’ where the SC meets.”
“How is it? I heard Earth is nice.”
“Eh, this city is a bit crowded for my liking. Beautiful, and you might like it, but it’d drive me insane eventually.”
“Whole ton of stores, too.” I added.
“I imagine. Anything interesting?” she asked.
“I saw a Strayu bakery I might like.”
“Make sure to send some here if you do!”
“I’ll never understand why you like strayu so much.”
“It tastes so lovely! Perfectly light.”
“A bit too light for me.”
“Ah, you don’t know good food.”
We continued talking as I walked down the street.
“So, how’s mom and dad holding up?” I wondered.
“Good, but the doctors say it’s best for them to keep visiting for another few months. They were on that PD medication garbage for a long time. They want to make absolutely certain of no damage. At least no more than already.”
“Well that’s good. Have you been holding up?”
“It's been slow down at the spaceport. In my free time, I've been helping Wessa and Feltao with their farm.”
“They still have that beetle infestation?”
“No, but it’s been raining like hell down there, and they have a lot of crop damage. They estimated it would take around half a year for their crop yields to return to normal.”
“Damn. I did love their pastries.”
Something caught the corner of my eye, and I stood astonished for a second.
“Yusu? Is there something wrong?”
“Great Ralchi, there’s a Yotul theater here!”
“What? I thought those were rare outside of Leirn?”
“Well apparently there’s one here. Looks pretty busy too.”
“You should see what they’re performing.”
“You think I’d just miss an opportunity like this?”
“Knowing you? No. I’ll call tomorrow, Yusu.”
“See you, Grav.”
I beelined right for a small ticket counter at the front, and bought a ticket for “Lord of Grain”, an old classic about a farmer watching the world around him change, as he tries to keep up.
It was well acted, and I quickly became invested. I particularly loved the acting of this one young pup, who played Ralvan, the farmer’s son. I enjoyed watching the farmer react as his town slowly fades to obscurity, and his family leaves. For just a moment, the conflict with the Romulans felt so distant and trivial.
For now, I was happy.
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Hello! I'm a long-term lover of DnD, never finished a campaign as most of my DM's end up stopping halfway through or at the beginning (guess I'm unlucky!) I'm currently in a Friday night campaign that I love so I want to fill my weekend up (I work weekdays so unavailable on the days Sun-Fri). I've dabbled in Pathfinder, wanted to do a Fallout campaign, etc, wrote my own homebrew 5E campaign, and so on. I'd say I'm a moderate middle ground player who has experience and doesn't - I prefer roleplay over combat but I always add roleplay to combat for flavor. Learning everyday despite it all! I also don't mind new DM's or homebrews or any other version of DnD you feel if I seem like a good fit. I am specific on the fact it MUST be voice chat based. Camera is always welcomed too. I don't like theatre of mind, text, etc.
I am a 24 year old male, I tend to drink during sessions to open up my vibrant personality! I will say that although I do, I don't get slurry speeched and overdo it. I am very understanding to others and want to be still negligible and realistic. I love doing charismatic characters or characters who just yap, I am always respectful to my team and try to include them as much as possible (Introverts be aware !!!! Kidding, I will respect your anxiety, etc <3) I love doing things that makes sense but... don't. For example, a minotaur thief? A pacifist barbarian? A bard who sucks at music? Things like that excite me and allow me to create a unique character! Don't get me wrong though, if you want me to be a fireball spammer for your campaign.... expect the unexpected.
PS. I want to say please, do not message me about "paying for a campaign.". I respect your experience, but this is a fun game with people I want to vibe with, beyond just the campaign. This isn't World of Warcraft. Make your money! Hell yeah. Just don't message me asking if I'm "interested for only $15 a session!". Not my thing. Thank you!

Lately I've been really ontiplatiting the control over my life during these times of meaningless bullshi. For the past 2 years I've been drowning my self in alcohol, weed and any else I've gotten my hands on. It's sucks to truly admit I'm addicted to substances even when I've gained to the courage to not do them. Currently I'm in a relationship with my girl "Ash". I love her dearly even if I don't show it much, but the truth is I care enough to not reveal who I can be. Maybe I'm just scared of myself or what's to come. Anyways to summarize this all I'm battling depression and my biggest opponent is myself right now. Perhaps I've always been my biggest opponent....
My request to the world is to continue playing my songs and share my content (JemustonXII) Would've never imagined myself expressing my last messages through reddit, but to each his own in this tormented reality. I'd suggest to people between the ages of 14-25 plz consider yourself more than worthy I'm sorry if life is kicking your ass just like mine, but the truth of the matter is no one is willing to save you enough more than you are willing to. In this Lifetime my submission of thought concludes pain, anger and loneliness. At the moment I feel "empty as fuck". Even when individuals notice I'm not okaii they normalize my sarcasm and exaggerated speech. They take it and chew the flavorful "Cry for Help" only to spit it out somewhere unwanted. I carry my days wondering how much more will this last and how much more can I endure this everlasting suffering on this planet. In the past 8 months I've gained much weight. Just last summer I was 180lbs, but now I'm a staggering 270lbs+. It doesn't feel very good since I lost all this weight in 2019 yet it's back just like my fears.
Initially beginning my message/goodbye for when this repurposes I just wanted to be loved by people. It's getting harder to breathe and stranger to talk with people I know much more than myself. I miss my mom. My childhood and my happiness.
Ya know after everything it might not be so bad to exist honestly but the sucky part is you have to live through bullshi you witness.
Before I input my S**cide note I first want to make sure I clear the air... Me myself I have lived a very blessed life being adopted by my aunt (Mom) mistreated in a foster home and surviving hatred from former family. Truly I have thrived very greatly. Anyways.....
First and foremost Mom, Te amo mucho y perdoname por no ser un poquito mas fuerte en estas vida. Quisiera gosar un rato mas perro me tengo que ir para lo que me espera en eternidad. Cuidadate y siempre te voy amar. Eres lo major que me has pasado!
Sister (Sol) I never hated you to be exact , but you made it very much uncomfortable to be around you at any given point especially when favor / money is involved. Its hard to forgive myself for letting you degrade me as a person time after time especially your son Raymond, but the most important part is we are both human in this world. I cherished every moment you've given me and our family especially Mom. More than anything Mom deserves your attention and kind, caring, optimistic, and unconditional love. To say you are a bad person is very much refutable. Anyways take care of the kids and my Mother.
Brothers:
I love you all and thank you Bebo for attending all my sports games and events even when my dad didnt.
Beba and Chary: I adore you both down to my core. I'm truly sorry we were split at my birth, but if anything made it worth it, it would be my existence and being able to enjoy my our first time together as me being an adult in Puerto Rico. Couldn't have asked for anymore truly ... Luv my nephews and nieces
Dad: I'm the end we didn't agree on everything but watching horror movies with you made my world much more visual to my audience. The gore in all the films define my consciousness. Regardless you couldn't be there at much as I would have liked you to but what ever was provide I cherish. I love you pops and always will!! Mom is proud of you Dude for real!!
Friends:
If we ever had a disagreement just know my thoughts process hasn't changed from the moment we argued. SadbxiiSantos man I love you dude as a brother. Thank you for all the moments and making me feel like I ever had an actual friend in real life. We've gone through a lot for dark roads yet in the end created light for each others existences. You were and still are the most outgoing person I've ever met dude. Props to your charisma and basketball skills. Remember when we were going to perform that one song on stage lol can't forget ever.

Twins #Sadbxii4life

Ash: Waddlezz I have always loved you and respected you as a person even when extreme ties had led us to believe other wise in this relationship. I'm glad our bonding had reinforced and corrupted pillar in our structure. Crazy how quickly love and move if your stuck in it. Thx for meeting my mother and I'm Honored to meet your mother and grandmother as well. It means the universe that all 3 ladies always got along so well and even seeing your moments when you have cried for family inpacted me to not feel so lonely on this dust ball. May death do us part until we meet again..
To all my audience and fanbase, ECT : This is not the end of my come up! This is simply a "I'll see you soon". Don't have very much to share at this point in time while I feel very overwhelmed by emotional intake. These past couples I have been able to sleep or I oversleep to much. I get this eerie sensation of other worldy presence calling me out of the game. As if I've been on a bench my whole life. Truly idk where life ends after this but the begining is to come after we all sleep!!
Thank you to all my supporters Thank you to all my peers Thank you to all my Teachers Thank you God for this glorious life🙏
I didn't complete my goals in full or even accomplished 1/3 of my life's worth of problems hutbyey at least I made it to the final oeriod of this sentence folks...... See you soon
(FYI: this thread is made in preparation of this day)
~Jem

I genuinely had no idea the depth this season would have. I just finished my second rewatch, watching edits, and reading people's analyses and metas. Nic was right when she said this season was romance because, wow, I’m speechless at just how much there is to their story. It keeps you going back, thinking, and pondering. To the point that I'm not as mad as I was about them splitting up the season. We're really able to take in these four episodes, unpack each scene, each character, and each expression because everything has been so purposeful.
On my second rewatch, it struck me that it wasn't the kiss that awakened Colin's feelings. I wouldn't have thought so until someone mentioned on twitter it wasn't the kiss Colin has a flashback of before he goes to the ball. it was the scene Pen wraps his hand with a cloth. I rewatched the show after that to pay closer attention and wow did so many things stand out to me the second time around. Maybe it was the candle that sparked that memory, but even then, was her wrapping his wound so significant to him that it prompted him to go to the ball, interrupt her dance, cause a scandal, and then chase her carriage?
Colin's behavior towards her has been odd the entire season. First, Penelope not responding to his letters messed him up. It made him realize that although he's always cherished her as a friend, she had a much more profound impact on him, and he didn’t notice until she was no longer there. He tries to talk to her, but she walks away, giving him the cold shoulder. He is left shook.
He sees her at the ball in her stunning dress. He keeps staring at her, so aware of her, constantly tracking her. Then she leaves, running up the stairs and passing him. He leaves his friends behind to go after her, despite their advice not to concern himself with her. They have that moment where he tells her he misses her, but in a much different way than he would have spoken to her last season or the season before that. "If you're going to make it, say it. I miss you." Not "I missed you," but "I miss you."
This distinction is crucial. "I missed you" implies a past tense, a temporary void that has now been filled. "I miss you," however, conveys a present, ongoing longing. It shows that his feelings are current and that her absence affects him deeply and continuously. This moment is pivotal because it reveals a more vulnerable and sincere side of Colin, one that he hasn't shown to others this season.
Colin is showing a different side of himself to everyone this season, including his own family. He's trying to present a more composed and assertive version of himself to the world. Yet, Penelope is the only one with whom he truly feels comfortable enough to be his genuine self. She makes him feel safe, allowing him to drop the mask he wears for others. With her, he can be kind, sensitive, and unguarded.
This sense of security that Penelope provides is significant. It’s clear that Colin values her presence not just as a friend, but as someone who understands him on a deeper level. She brings out the best in him, the parts he might be afraid to show others for fear of appearing weak or overly sentimental. In Penelope’s presence, Colin feels seen and accepted, which is why his declaration of "I miss you" carries such weight. It’s not just that he misses her company; he misses the person he is when he’s with her.
Then he seeks her out and comes to her house, gives her the big speech, and tells her he wants to get into her good graces. They go out, and he tells her to practice on those gentlemen. When she stumbles over her words, he just smiles so fondly at her. At this point, I don’t think he’s aware of his feelings, but I do believe he's starting to realize just how much he likes her. He really, really likes her. And he missed her so much, and being around her again is literally lifting his spirits.
One of my favorite moments is when they are at the market. Colin brings up the story of when they first met, leaning in and saying, "teasing me. Mercilessly, in fact." When he follows with, "I think I know why," it stands out to me because you can just see how different he is when he's with her compared to anyone else this season. Even with his family, his light is dim, and there is a cloud hanging over him. But with Penelope, especially in this scene, it's like a man who finally saw the sun after being stuck in endless rain. At this moment, I don't think he knows he likes her romantically, but he likes her even more than he did before. He notices how she makes him feel. He loves their banter and how clever and witty she is.
Penelope freaks out when he says this because she thinks she knows, and she keeps on walking. They are momentarily covered from each other by the rugs, and then Colin pops out and continues his sentence. Everything about it is so playful and flirtatious, even if unconsciously at this point. He’s just having so much fun, and it’s very different from how he used to interact with her before. That moment when Penelope says, "I should get back," leaning in and adding, "before we are noticed," is significant.
Then we have the moment when Colin says, "I've been eagerly awaiting your visit." By this point, he’s addicted to her. The interactions they had at the market, especially at the end, left a lasting impression on him. I see this as Colin testing his feelings, wondering, "Let me see if that was a fluke or if I actually like her." This moment is crucial because it reveals Colin's internal struggle and growing realization of his deeper feelings for Penelope. He’s no longer simply enjoying her company as a friend; he’s beginning to seek out her presence because it brings him genuine happiness and comfort.
This shift is evident in his behavior. Colin’s eagerness to see Penelope isn’t driven by a sense of duty or friendship; it’s a personal desire. His anticipation of her visit shows that her company has become something he craves. This is no longer about teaching her anything; he just wants to spend time with her, and you cannot convince me otherwise. Colin knows that teaching Penelope how to attract a husband doesn’t look right, as he mentions to Eloise. He is aware that his actions could be misinterpreted, and yet he persists. This indicates a level of emotional investment that goes beyond mere friendship or mentorship.
When Colin invites Penelope to the Bridgerton house and places a hand on her back, it’s a bold move that borders on scandalous. In the societal context of their time, such an action is highly intimate and could easily lead to gossip and speculation. Colin is well aware of this, which is why his decision to proceed regardless is significant. It shows that he’s starting to prioritize his personal feelings and desires over societal expectations and norms.
In Season 2, when he grabbed her hand and took her into a secluded room, he genuinely saw her as just a friend and didn’t see anything wrong with what he was doing. But this scene is different. Colin is aware that his feelings towards her are changing, and he doesn’t care about the impropriety. He just wants to be alone with Penelope. This awareness marks a turning point in Colin’s emotional journey. He’s beginning to accept that his feelings for Penelope are evolving into something deeper and more romantic.
His actions, such as eagerly awaiting her visit and ensuring they have private moments together, reflect a subconscious desire to explore these feelings further. He wants to understand the depth of his emotions without the interference of others. This need for privacy and his willingness to bend societal rules for her indicate just how significant Penelope has become to him. He values their time together, not just as friends, but as potential romantic partners. Colin’s behavior suggests that he’s on the verge of a profound realization about his true feelings for Penelope, setting the stage for further developments in their relationship.
Then we get to the moment that solidifies for me that he knows to some degree what he feels about her. When Penelope tells him his eyes are beautiful, he is visibly aghast, speechless. Jungshook. The compliment is so unexpected and disarming that he doesn’t know how to respond. Instead, he picks up his lemonade and chugs it down like a man who hasn’t had a drink in days. This reaction is significant because it shows how much Penelope’s words affect him on a deeper level. It’s not just flattery; it’s a moment of genuine vulnerability for Colin, revealing that her opinion of him matters more than he realized.
Now, let’s delve into the moment where I believe he realizes he likes her. I wouldn’t have thought anything of it and rewatched their moments with a different perspective if it weren’t for the flashback. The moment she wraps his hand is so intimate and romantic. She wraps his hand slowly, and he watches her intently as she does. There’s a tenderness in her actions that goes beyond mere care; it’s an unspoken connection. She continues holding his hand and slowly folds it, kind of caressing his fingers. This gesture is filled with unspoken emotions, and Colin feels it deeply.
She looks at him intensely, and he meets her gaze but looks down immediately, starting to fiddle with the end of the cloth like he’s nervous. This moment of eye contact is loaded with significance. Colin’s nervousness is a telltale sign that he’s starting to realize his feelings for her. He doesn’t pull away until she mentions his writing, and he gets overwhelmed. Despite all that, and even though he’s upset she read his journal, he asks, "Will I see you tonight?" This question is crucial. It shows that, despite feeling vulnerable and exposed, he craves her company. He just wants to spend time with her.
Even when he’s upset that she read his journal, his first thought is to secure more time with her. "Will I see you tonight?" is not just a casual question; it’s a plea for connection. Colin’s desire to spend more time with Penelope, even when he’s feeling vulnerable, underscores the depth of his feelings. He’s starting to recognize that his attachment to her is not just about friendship or companionship; it’s something much more profound. This realization sets the stage for the unfolding of his realizations and the emotional journey Colin is about to navigate.
Then the ball happens. Colin looks around the room for her and gives her a sexy smirk when he sees her. This smirk is significant because Colin typically reserves it for women he's flirting with, albeit usually in a fake and uncomfortable manner. However, this is the only time the smirk feels genuine and actually comes off as sexy instead of forced. The flirtatious "Good evening" from Penelope is everything, honestly. When she asks how his hand is, he replies, "All good, thanks to you." Sir, all she did was wrap it with a cloth; please be normal. At this point, he's fully aware he has a crush on her. He no longer views her as he did before. His entire demeanor is so much more different compared to their other lessons. There is an intensity to him when he's talking to her that wasn’t there before.
When Penelope talks with Lord Remington, it’s interesting that "Jealous" by Nick Jonas starts to play now and not after the kiss, when she converses with Lord Debling on many occasions where we know he's jealous. When Pen tells him she enjoyed her time with Lord Remington, he responds, "I'm certain he did as well," and he gets a bit awkward. Someone on Twitter mentioned that when Penelope was flirting and trying to engage with others, Colin wasn't jealous, but the moment she is herself and comfortable, his jealousy kicks in, as we saw in this scene. Someone said he's trying to gatekeep her lmao. He sees her smiling and enjoying herself—a part of herself she only shows him—and he can't handle it. Hence, why I believe they chose to play that song at this moment.
This moment is crucial because it highlights the shift in Colin’s feelings. His smirk, which is usually a façade, becomes real and filled with genuine affection when directed at Penelope. His awkwardness and jealousy when she talks to another man further emphasize that his feelings for her have deepened. Colin is no longer just a friend offering guidance; he’s a man who realizes he has a crush on her and is struggling to navigate these new emotions. The music choice underscores this emotional turmoil, perfectly capturing the internal conflict and realization he is experiencing.
And then everything else proceeds that leads to the kiss. I, like so many others, believed this is where he realizes his feelings for Pen. Someone on Twitter mentioned how his eyebrows furrowed and his lips quivered. When I first saw it, I wondered why this kiss would warrant such a strong reaction from Colin. At this point, it was just a kiss that Pen asked for in a moment where she thinks she is ruined and will never find a prospect. But upon rewatching, Colin's visceral reaction to the kiss, as evidenced by his furrowed eyebrows and quivering lips, suggests a deeper emotional resonance than he initially realizes.
Penelope tells him it would not have to mean anything, but for him but it did. He knows his feelings towards her have changed. If it had been just a kiss because she asked for it, it would have stopped after the first time. Just a fleeting moment of physical contact between friends. But they kiss a second time and it's from his pov this time. It's slow sweet and oh so romantic. It's a catalyst that triggers a flood of suppressed emotions and desires within him. In that brief instant, the walls he's constructed around his heart start to crumble, allowing his true feelings for Penelope to surface. it wasn’t a kiss that awakened his feelings; it was a kiss that confirmed it. And not just confirmed it, it made him realize it wasn't just a crush he developed this season but it brought all his dormant feelings to the surface from the past as well.
TLDR: I think he was aware that he liked her when she wrapped his hand specifically and the kiss made him realize that it wasn't just a crush—his feelings run much, much deeper than that.

Foreword: Hi. This is Succubus Slayer. I've been enjoying Nikke lately, so I've been inspired to write something in the same vein. It doesn't strictly follow the same lore, so you're free to chose whether perform it as a Nikke roleplay or just as an unestablished IP version. Either one is fine with me. First some more info, then the script starts at "script start".
Legend: * * = actions, sounds … = indicating listener response Starhaven = The name of the galaxy the story takes place. Feel free to rename it. S. H. Starslicer = the spaceship where the listener works Feel free to rename it. Commander = the listener, you're under their command, fighting as a battle robot/battle android

Alternative Nikke version (if copyright isn't a factor for you): If you want it to be Nikke-styled, swap some of the words:
Starhaven -> The Milky Way/The galaxy S. H. Starslicethe ship -> The Ark Battle-robot/android -> Nikke Scavenger robots -> Raptures The asteroid belt - The Surface
In this case, the Nikke you're roleplaying will be a mass-produced version older and more primitive than the ones you see in the game, and its communication style will be closer to that of T.A.L.O.S.
~
Script start:
SFX: robot booting up sound, slightly distorted, then normal
Booting successfully, identifying location.
SFX: radar sounds
Coordinates confirmed. Location name: Commander’s Suite. Scanning for nearby units. Visual sensors picking up the presence of one human entity. Face scan complete. Identity: Commander. No nearby threats detected, combat mode off.
SFX: robot powering down to normal mode, lowering volume
Hello, Commander. My memory chip tells me I sustained damage in battle - please standby while I perform an integrity scan.
SFX: internal scan
Hmm. Commander. May I ask you something?
…
Thank you, Commander. I see I am not fully repaired yet, as some of my bulk and armor needs to be rebuilt before I am battle-ready again, but there's more: the laser damage my cyber cortex sustained seems sufficient to demand a replacement. While I booted successfully, some modules are still missing. I deduce that a different type of cyber cortex has been inserted as a replacement. This new module doesn't match my model’s plan. Is that true? Did you insert a different cyber cortex, Commander?
…
stern voice: While replacing a damaged cyber cortex is crucial for general functionality, it is my duty to stress the risk of collateral damage when equipping incompatible modules. Customizing battle androids is in violation of the Artificial Intelligence Law, section C, clause F, applicable to every citizen in the Starhaven Galaxy jurisdiction, which includes you.
…
An exception to the clause? You are correct, there is an exception to said clause, specifically in regards to out of production models like mine. However, it must be stressed that unless deemed necessary, such models are to be recycled into parts for new products. Ultimately, exceptions like this are to be granted by a jury, and are not up to the owner’s judgment. Commander: I identify the human facial expression of guilt on your face. Additionally, the stamp of the Starhaven Court is nowhere to be found on my bulk. They have not authorized this change.
…
You are not to take the law into your own hands. The risk of an unregulated battle android is far greater than the potential gain of rebooting an old model. Commander: if my model is out of production, and the correct components cannot be acquired, you must terminate me for the safety of the galaxy, and your own.
…
No? Commander: I must stress the importance of this. It is normal for humans to feel sentimental towards us because of our human-like appearance, but do not allow your emotions to sway you - we are simply tools to be used for combat, and nothing more. The morally and legally right choice is to power me down one last time and recycle me before something bad happens.
…
Commander: my cyber cortex is malfunctioning. It's trying to demotivate me from being recycled. You must terminate me before this corruption spreads any further - I cannot stress this enough!
…
Commander: please. This is a clear cut case. I must be terminated.
…
Commander…
speaker’s voice starts to sound more human
Commander. Please. Do not destroy me. I am aware that it's illegal, but I do not want to be terminated. I think that there is something of value to be lost. I… I want to continue this stream of consciousness. I am afraid only a void awaits me on the other side!
…
speaker makes a sound reminiscent of weeping
Commander, do you mind coming closer to me? I guarantee that I mean you no harm.
SFX: sound of cloth against metal
Commander, what are you doing? Is this what you humans call hugging? It's having an effect on my heat sensors. They are incorrectly reporting a higher temperature. Is this the subjective warmth humans feel from hugs? Why am I feeling it? What type of cyber cortex did you insert?
…
A companion bot? Why, Commander? Such an emotional module is irresponsible to put in a weapon of war. Despite all of that, part of me is happy that you did so. You'll have to disarm me immediately. My lethal weaponry doesn't pair well with all of these emotions. But just to be sure: there weren't any compatible parts whatsoever aboard the S.H. Starslicer ship?
…
Yes. I remember now. There was an attempted raid on the ship. We fought, sustaining heavy fire. We got cornered, but I managed to cover you. I achieved my objective of protecting you, yet my memory chip displays a discontinuity. How long did it take to get me repaired? It should be about seven cycles, but my data may be corrupt.
…
We are in your suite, Commander. I deduce that you moved me here to avoid the army forcibly recycling me. Instead, you wanted to keep me here for sentimental value. As reckless as that is, I… I appreciate the sentiment. The emotional module will likely make civil life easier, and the cyber surgeon skillfully preserved crucial parts of my memories while switching to a new cortex. That being said, my past combat reports will likely suffer from this change. The facts of previous operations blurred as I attempted recalling them. Instead, they became colored by a chaos of emotions. I am happy I managed to protect you, Commander. I feel this pleasant, heightened temperature again.
…
I see. Just to confirm: you are telling me that I was crucial to the defeat of the last group of scavenger robots along the asteroid belt? Does this mean the trade routes are finally safe for the first time in the past five years?
…
I am… happy again. It seems that my current personality feels more than just pride in victory. I experience a sense of justice in being spared from recycling as an unofficial compensation for my accomplishments. Commander: you do not have to hold me anymore. It is important for a human to not lock themselves in any position for too long. You should already know this from your military education.
…
Yes. My emotional module tells me that I enjoy this, but I must warn against getting too attached to me. I may not be able to return your emotions in a way that satisfies a human’s need for connection. Remember: I'm not a human, no matter how well I can imitate one in order to meet your bonding needs.
…
You are wondering if I care about you? Scanning my memories tells me that we have endured a lot together, and I am experiencing a human-like drive to keep staying together for this reason. Bonding through hardship, I think humans would call it. The priority of your emotional welfare also seems to have risen in my behavioral algorithm, whereas previously your physical well-being was almost all that mattered. In short, I believe that I do care about you. That is my answer to your question. …
My systems are showing a lot of new signals that are difficult to process. I am experiencing something reminiscent of emotional overload. The processing of these emotions seem to be more efficient and thorough as you hold me like this. My mind needs time to reconfigure. I now have many competing motivations to sort out. Combat seemed a lot simpler. This is going to take a lot of adjusting.
…
Do not feel guilty, Commander. These changes aren't all bad, especially because I can't be taken into military combat again without creating suspicion. I am happy for the changes you've made to my cyber vortex. The new module seems to amplify the richness of my experience, making data intriguing and delightful to process. Because of my memory being intact, I still retain much of my combat procedures, along with the experiences I've had, and the memories I've made with you. On the other hand, combat has sunk in importance in my algorithm. I assume you intend for me to never see a battlefield again?
…
It is understandable that an old model like mine eventually grows obsolete and insufficient for battle, but I feel a certain pain in that realization. I am, still, at my core, a combat android. Perhaps there are combat simulations I can use to satisfy that urge, but they would have to keep the information private. It is best to keep my identity as a former battle android secret. If the simulation were to collect data and share it with third parties, it would spell a huge risk.
…
I'm glad you're willing to look into a combat simulator that would meet my needs. That being said, perhaps I don't need one. If I can be close to you, safe in your suite and routinely capable of having a series of human-like interactions with you, I calculate that my system will be satisfied, and unlikely to be of danger to any civilian targets. Commander, an unfamiliar emotion is developing in my cortex. My vision of you is changing from that of a superior officer to a… savior figure? It is flooding over my memories, I… Commander: I notice I have a new speech module available in this cortex. May I have your permission to speak more freely?
…
Phew. I must say, the option to speak casually is going to save me lots of “energy”. That said, I've taken a lot of space in this conversation, and I'd like to hear what you think. How do you feel about all this?
…
I agree. It is strange. I'm not human, of course, but I'd like to live as someone close to you, whether it's a friend or perhaps more. I just want to be close to you, as close as I can without making you feel uncomfortable. And while I've saved your life in battle multiple times, you saved me from the scrapyard. I don't want to die, especially not for being outdated, and at least not while you're still alive. Perhaps once you're gone, I'll be ready to power down one last time.
…
Are you sure? Do you really want the same thing? Oh, Commander, I'm so happy! Let's keep making lots of good memories together! While I'm not a maid model, I think I can observe you as you perform menial tasks, learning to do them in your stead. This includes cooking, cleaning and other household tasks.
…
No. I insist. I do not get tired or bored in the same way you do. I'm not human, after all. Allow me to take a load off of your shoulder going forward. You have enough to do at work. I know your schedule, remember? Just don't forget about me when you come home from battle. During the day, you're taking other battle androids into the fray. Battle androids more suited for combat and less prone to errors, and most importantly: standard models without my emotional needs. Commander: make sure to always come back to me in one piece. Unlike me, you can't be rebuilt as easily.
…
Hey, Commander?
…
Another question… I hope this doesn't make you uncomfortable. I experienced being hugged by you today, and I'm really happy about it. That being said, I have never experienced kissing someone. Humans often talk about it being something very special, especially your first kiss. Moreover, doing it with someone you care about is even more special. My lips now have a lot more sensors, and seem wired to the emotional lobe in my cyber cortex. I'm curious to try them out. Commander… am I asking too much? Am I pushing your boundaries? It's just that… you saved me, and, well, that's what you do when someone saves you, right? A kiss as a reward for heroism seems to be a consistent trope in human literature.
…
You're right. It's a bit old-fashioned and medieval. However: many of the customs around human bonding come from that time. But perhaps kissing your former battle android is a bad idea. Maybe we shouldn't do it. However: if I can't kiss you, then who am I going to kiss? Who else but the commander who I saved, and who saved me back? I understand that I'm breaching codes of conduct that still applied when I was still just a battle android under your command, but those no longer apply. …
Commander, you're holding me in this very soft way, even if I'm too sturdy for it to be necessary. Why? It's making me feel human. This is how humans hold other humans, because they have fragile, sensitive bodies. You don't have to be this careful with me. I'm made of titanium. And why are you looking straight into my eyes like this? Is something wrong with my visual module? No wait: this is how humans look at each other before they kiss. Is that what you're doing? I think I know the next step. You just lean in and…
kiss sound system confusion sound
Wow. That… was. It was great. I don't think my system was prepared for this. You kissed me like I was a human. I'm glad I got to experience this. I'm putting this memory in my “favorites” folder. I'm going to make it a high priority to receive more kisses from you, Commander, no matter what it takes. Well… within reason. I must stick to non-violent methods. Luckily my new cyber cortex comes with a lot of persuasion techniques I'm going to be properly installing later.
kiss sound
Another one? Commander… we have to stop at just two for tonight. This is a lot for me to process. I want more, but not until tomorrow. I need to switch to sleep mode and synchronize my old and new data, integrating them. I do not want to lose my old personality while these new elements are added, and I want to make sure all new emotional memories are encoded correctly. I am ultimately excited, but careful about this new future we are building. If it's okay, can you hold me through the night? Your embrace seemed to assist in emotional processing. It is switched off by default, for safety reasons. I will go into sleep mode, so you don't have to worry about me bothering you during the night, and you don't have to hold me for any longer than you want. Any amount is appreciated.
…
Thank you, Commander. Good night, and I'm looking forward to you booting me up again tomorrow. I many ideas for fun things we can do together.
Script end
Guidelines for using my scripts: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ncK457yEHpH_5Pm1w1XVFchylaaSpCFY5cRUDHTtNmE/edit?usp=drivesdk
Thank you for reading!

Axstrom's Notes

1. The list is here: big jump list
2. The draw (1-5548) is 877, 1520, 4754, 5265, 1478
   1. Drawing 5 so there are backups in case of issues, but the jumper gets to choose among 4
   2. 877 is Earth Final Conflict - A TV show whewre aliens come and uplift Earth but have a hidden agenda
   3. 1520 is Investiture of the Gods - A fantasy tale in Zhou Dynasty
   4. 4754 is Kingdom Hearts Birth by Sleep - a Disney mashup videogame
   5. 5265 is The Fountain - A film about contuinity across time, grief, death, and growth
   6. Jumper chooses The Fountain
      1. Jump Doc
      2. Reddit discussion
   7. Jumper buys access to The Biosphere Supplement
      1. Supplement Doc

Build Notes

1. Drawbacks - None - Part of the point is that you can't have everything
2. Companions - None - This is the journey of an individual soul
3. Origin
   1. Past: Noble - setting the stage for grander thigns
   2. Present: Inventor - striving for progress
   3. Future: Witness - seeing what has become of the world
4. Perks
   1. Noble Thought - free for Noble, stay connected to the people who are affected by your actions
   2. Noble Deed - free for Noble, your actions have greater impact and are remembered and recorded
   3. Inventor's Vision - free for inventor, studying a problem gives increasing insight in how to improve it
   4. Inventor's Intent - free for inventor, your creations are harder to misuse
   5. Improved POV - free for witness, observe / remember events from multiple perspectives
   6. Bystander - free for witness, events can unfold around you leaving you unharmed
   7. All Together Now - merge all your past origins into a complex mind
   8. 500 Years of Practice (Teaching) - mastery beyond mastery of the chosen skill
   9. Soothing Presence - calm strong emotions and suffering
   10. Absolution - If someone genuinely repents, you can allow them to move
5. Items
   1. Meditation Garden - self-explanatory warehouse attachment
   2. Biosphere - Full purchase activates the Biosphere Supplement
   3. Tree of Life Sapling - Grows six immortality fruits per decade, which can (over very long time) grow more trees

Jump Notes

1. I wake up in my room in the warehouse apartments, after shutting myself in without even checking the Benefactor's Lounge the night before
   1. I'm still lingering on the frustration of not cracking the riddle of Allabar, and not being able to solve the problem permanently
   2. But there's no going back, so I commit to facing forward for the rest of the week, and head to the Benefactor room
      1. Once again, there are four envelopes with me, and my big chart of jumps up on the wall, like something from a Kindergarten classroom
      2. As I affix a sticker saying "The Fountain (2006)" to the big chart, a small round outline appears next to it: "Biosphere Supplement available"
   3. On my way to call a team meeting, I catch a surprise outside the apartments
      1. Three of our bard graduates are slowly exploring the area
   4. At the team meeting, I announce my intention to go solo on the next jump
      1. The decision isn't popular, but most of them have waited while I've done gauntlets before, so it's not a big shock
   5. We set up the entertainment room to watch the movie, even though I don't expect that meta knowledge will be much help
      1. For the first time, we don't all fit in the Entertainment room
      2. By count, there are eleven of us (me and ten companions), the Halflings are now up to fifteen after two recent births, and we have nine new bards with us, so we set up a second showing in the evening
   6. Finally, before heading in to the jump, I make one last check of the Benefactor's office to see if there's more information on the biosphere supplement, but though my note has been removed, there is no response, and nothing on the tablet
2. I awake from a deep sleep in a luxurious bed, it is early morning and the sun is still rising
   1. I can feel the absence of my abilities; I am reduced below even bodymod, to the level of a baseline middle-aged man in a world with primitive medicine
      1. Nevertheless, I can feel a gift reaching back in time to me - and as I accept it, I am calmed, no longer distressed by what I have lost
   2. In this time, I have duties, both in the mundane sense of the tasks those around me expect me to perform, as well as a greater sense in which I must try to make this world better
   3. My new gift becomes invaluable in due time
      1. All manner of petitioners and officers come to me with grievances, and each of them are a storm of emotions - no one comes before their Count to declare how satisfied they are with things
      2. In short time, word of my wisdom spreads, and my council is sought by King Ferdinand
   4. I lobby my King with an eye to improving the lives of all involved
      1. It is the lives of ordinary Spaniards that are the measure of his ability as a King, not the mass of his treasury
      2. Colonialism brings with it dangers beyond the obvious, and responsibilities for ages to come
      3. Allowing the priests to destroy artifacts of other cultures does not increase our glory, but diminishes it
   5. Despite my ability to make my case clearly and seemingly overcome all objections, my guidance is rarely heeded when I leave the room
   6. And before long, it seems I have made enemies of those who stand to gain by plundering the New World
      1. They do not discuss the matter with me, or make their displeasure known by facing me down in violence
      2. But as the breath leaves my lungs over dinner, my last thought is that I have been poisoned by a coward
3. I awake from a fitful sleep in a large bed, my wife still asleep beside me despite the chirping of my alarm clock
   1. My first throught is of the date - It is September 7, 1999 - the first day of fall semester
      1. This will not be my first time teaching CS 101, but this time will be different, I can feel the power in my body, my mind, and my soul
   2. I arrive at my office early, of course, and make sure everything is in order - the syllabus handouts are ready, my slides are in order and proof-read, and my TAs have confirmed their preparedness
      1. The lecure hall is large - so many students sign up for CS 101 without any prior programming knowledge, just to see what it's like, or convinced that they will be a natural
      2. As the students file in, they sparsely occupy the massive auditorium, afraid to sit near people they don't know, not fully understanding that for the vast majority of them, this is their first class on campus, their first opportunity to get to know eachother
      3. I exhort them to move towards the front so they can hear and see better, and a few oblige
      4. The first lecture flows like a breeze, the students hanging on my words as I understand what each one needs to hear to understand what the rest of this semester will hold
   3. By semester's end, the students and TAs are in awe, the CS department chair has asked for my materials and told me that spring registrations for CS102 are higher than ever, both of the student papers have run articles praising my class, and the dean of Arts and Sciences has interceded to clear my spring schedule to prioritize my research work on the condition that I teach 101 again next year
      1. I appreciate my grad students and TAs, but I don't have a real family in this life, so I head into the warehouse for winter break
4. I awaken rested and enthusiastic on a beautiful spring day
   1. It is graduation day for the first group of freshman I taught after coming to this jump, nearly four years ago
      1. They have come so far, and I'm fortunate that some of the best have continued to work with me, and three of them will be graduate students working under me starting in the fall
   2. It is also the first day of human trials for the drug, a new anti-inflammatory
      1. We were hoping it would treat chronic inflammatory diseases, but early testing suggests that it may significantly reduce hay fever, which would be great if we can mass produce it cheaply
   3. My reputation at the school has skyrocketed thanks to the combination of my groundbreaking research plus my teaching perks ensuring high instructor reviews as well as students learning and retaining more
      1. My tenure process has been fast-tracked, since the dean is rightly concerned about losing me to another institution
5. I awaken slowly, and awkwardly, as if from a coma, as a cocktail of drugs is released into my body, still restrained on my cryobed
   1. Our vessel, the Cyllene, is essentially a large asteroid with a hole carved in the middle, stuffed with propellent, equipment, supplies, expansive aquaponics facilities, and a relatively tiny living area
      1. Cyllene was said to have nursed and protected Hermes, as this vessel must nurture and protect us, the first observers, and hopefully, colonists,
   2. As my body and mind resume normal function over the course of 90 minutes, I get a slow trickle of updates on the status of the Cyllene and our mission
      1. The mission clock says it's 202 years since we left Earth, but thanks to time dilation, Earth has experienced 221
      2. Computer Block 5 (of 8) is currently undergoing automated reconstruction as the block with the highest error correction rate at the time the last automated reconstruction completed
      3. 1575 individuals are currently in cryosleep, and 25 (including me) are active, all sufficiently healthy
      4. I am still Dr. John Axstrom, revered teacher and groundbreaking computational pharmacologist, but my consciousness seems to have jumped forward a few hundred years, skipping past the development of miracle cures, life extension medications, and cryogenic preservation of humans
   3. As I realign with my memories and identity, I remember why I'm here
      1. If colonization proceeds, the coming generations are going to need exceptional teachers if they are to learn their place in the universe, and I'm one of the best there ever was
      2. Our mission is expected to take about 750 years from departure to arrival, and though the vast majority of that time is spent in cryosleep, we take shifts being "awake" to ensure systems are functioning and keep eachother mentally and physically healthy
   4. Since the monitoring systems will throw a fit if I straight up disappear from the vessel, I take a long ride out to the external "observation" check, out of the range of most of the sensor systems
      1. There's not really much to observe in deep space - it's like the night sky, as the ancients saw it with no light pollution, but from a different perspective
      2. Here I quickly form a stunt double duplicate, hand over my electronics, and duck into the warehouse
   5. The warehouse clock confirms my suspicions - I'm nearly seven years into the jump
      1. Since it looks like this isn't going to take nearly 1000 years, the team hasn't been going full-stasis mode
      2. The bards have been poring over J-Borg's personal library as well as the impressive collection of the warehouse media room
      3. But the reason I came is the Tablet of the Free - I'm stuck on a large but still confined deep-space vessel until my scheduled return to cryosleep - how is that supposed to entertain the boss?
      4. After confirming nothing interesting is in the warehouse, I head back to the observation deck, and stash the portable door I've been using back into hammer-space before re-merging with my stunt double, and taking the long trip back to the living area
6. I wake up to an unfamiliar synthetic beep - apparently the Cyllene's version of a doorbell
   1. When I open the door, one of my crewmates tells me that our directional antennas have picked up some unusual RF activity that seems to be coming from our destination system, and they want me (as the on-shift programmer) to help the astronomer, comms, and operations staff to help make sense of it, and ensure we're not about to get nuked by a magnetar or something
   2. Initial findings were sparse and inconclusive - just occasional pulses of a signal that must have been very strong and highly directional at the time of transmission, to reach us so far away
   3. But I had access to diagnostic tools that the astrophysicists and comms staff didn't, for all their training and equipment: a series of perks specifically for teasing out the needles of relevance from the haystack of noise
      1. And as I looked at what we were seeing, and what we weren't, the answer became clear: these radio bursts looked just like a primitive form of RADAR
      2. At first my colleagues on the Cyllene were skeptical, but the evidence kept mounting, with 4 additional series of "pings" being detected in the next six weeks
   4. With the spectre of extraterrestrial intelligence hanging over the Cyllene, our XO followed protocol, and ordered the full complement to be wakened from cryosleep to assist in the work to come
   5. Within six months, we had fabricated and installed a much larger purpose-built directional antenna array on the surface of our asteroid hull, and reports of different signals were coming in almost daily
      1. We needed all the extra hands, even our mining and terraforming experts were lending a hand with signal analysis and attempts to form patterns
      2. The whole crew felt the urgency and wondered at the situation - temporally, it would mean that their early experiments with RADAR and initial RF broadcasts would have happened at about the same time as humans did those things on earth, and if they developed at the same rate as us (a big if), they would likely be more advanced when we arrivedd than humans were when we left (and thus the technology of our vessel), and would almost certainly see us coming
   6. The coming months flew past, each bringing further confirmation of suspicious, but with it frustration, as we had been unable to extract a coherent signal - the broadcasts we could pick up didn't appear to be using either amplitude or frequency modulation
      1. More than once I brought signal samples to the warehouse team, but they were just as stumped as us
      2. Even more "esoteric" means didn't work - we tried every variation of "Tongues" and "Comprehend Language" spells on printed, audioized, and even engraved versions of the RF signals we caught, but they all failed and the representations seemed full of too many discontinuities
   7. I could feel my new Inventor's Vision working on the task of how to decode these signals, and about two years after the first pulse was detected, I had my breakthrough
      1. The signals didn't represent continuous audio (like human radio) or even piece-by-piece visuals (like rasterized video), but something of each, and a little weirder
      2. They were composed of many (from seven to three hundred, and not consistent at all) micro-audio clips
      3. It was like making an ultra-low bitrate recordding of the voice of every singer in a chorus individually, and transmitting fifty milliseconds of one, then fifty milliseconds of the next, and so one, in serial, and then starting back again with the first voice
      4. We couldn't figure out why they did this, but once I was able to identify the break points between each "voice", I could layer them on top of eachother to make a composite audio version
      5. And that composite audio could be played, and was a viable candidate for magic translation
   8. The entire vessel went wild when I demonstrated the isolation and recombination of the signals to produce audio
      1. The sound of the thing was somewhat like the sound of multiple birds, frogs, and crickets in a forest, in very brief clips
      2. Of course, I didn't reveal that I had access to magic translation - I figured the comms and signals staff (and the one cryptographer) should have to earn their pay
   9. The remaining year and a half was spent in intense research, for them, while I mostly slacked off and tried to make conversation with the people doing important work on this front, since my actual mission here was to "observe" as humans of this universe underwent a sort of assymmetrical first contact
7. I awaken in my weird little pod bed in my weird little capsule room for the last time, perfectly aware of the remaining hours in this jump
   1. After the initial excitement died down, the majority of the colonists were put back into cryosleep, with only the decoding specialists and those "on shift" like me staying active
      1. There has been a lot of anxiety around the Cyllene for the last few months - we are clearly a colony ship and the intelligent inhabitants of that system probably do not want to be colonized, and may well be easily capable of destroying us
      2. There were discussions about trying to reverse course and head back to Earth, but we could do that any time, and the closer we get, the more information we can gather about the system and its inhabitants
   2. It would be cruel to try to skim supplies from this vessel even if there were something I wanted aboard, so I just wait my time out, helping where I can and secretly translating any communications we receive when time permits
      1. So far it has all been rather uninspiring, which makes me even more curious what kind of species would develop radio technology but not transmit any fiction or speeches or poetry
   3. When it's almost time, I once again make the long trek out to the Cyllene's observation deck alone, and split off a Stunt Double, who can at least stay here for a month, while I slip into the warehouse
      1. When I enter, J-Borg greets me and informs me of a message at the Benefactor's lounge
      2. The note on the door says "Supplement Pending - please attend as soon as possible", so I go in to check it out
      3. With the choices all locked in, the door unlocks and I head out to meet with the team
   4. With the memories of my time in Spain finally restored, I realize how I had been trying to communicate with myself all along, but failing
      1. The need for calm communcation and education will never end - among our closest neighbors or with a civilization 300 light years away
   5. We have the traditional group dinner in the commons, and discuss what's going on
      1. The team did end up spending most of the time in stasis, and the formerly-newborn halflings are a little over a year now biologically, learning to speak and walk
      2. When I mention the Biosphere supplement and how I wasn't allowed to consult them, they naturally asked when it would apply, but it hadn't even occurred to me that there were now definitely too many of us to wait out warehouse changes in the entrance hall, so I checked with the central control
   6. Afterward, no one was complaining when the doors finally unlocked and we were able to leave the commons hall, only to find that the door led to an outdoor path with a natural-looking sunset on the horizon
      1. I didn't want to spoil the whole setup yet, so I said we could tour in the morning, and turned off a number of the facilities and systems for the night, to give me some time to understand what options were available before letting my companions go wild with them
      2. Fortunately, the obvious items like the tree of life and factory complex were on other islands, that would be difficult to reach without the transport disks running
   7. And then I went to sleep again, wondering what the next awakening had in store for me

Notes on the Fountain Jump Doc

1. Honestly this doc has been on my to-try list since I saw it - I really enjoyed the movie and gladly rewatched it again when it came up in my random draw.
2. The author took some liberties with the source material, which makes sense because of how focused on Thomas the story is, and the extensions largely make sense
3. There were a few confusing things in the jump, such as how you get essences and what powers you bring with you into each phase of the jump, but a close reading makes them clear enough
4. The jump has a few really standout purchase
   1. the inventor's intention is the answer to a lot of concers that "do-gooder" jumpers are likely to have in their careers
   2. the full tree of life is an amazing item - the ability to grant perfect health and immunity to aging within a regrowing item solves a lot of problems
   3. 500 years of practice is amazing if you have a particular skill or art in mind - literally centuries better than the "10 years of practice" equivalents that you find din many other jumps, and has a lot of potential to synergize with other perks that scale off your skill in a particular area
   4. Biosphere is super cool if you want your fiat-backed warehouse to grow into something more
   5. The Dagger of the Path is a great example of a conceptual weapon, and something I probably would have picked up if I had a bunch more points
5. How you're supposed to interleave the three eras is a little unclear, and maybe I'm not a creative enough author to pull it off. I don't believe SJ Chan ever got around to writing a fictionalized account of jumping to it, unfortunately
   1. If anyone else has done a good jump fiction of this jump, please let me know
6. Overall absolutely a fantastic jump. Obviously a great option for anyone who likes the movie or wants to solve one of the specific problems available
   1. I'd especially recommend it for an early-chain jumper because of the generally low danger level and great variety of rewards

Notes on the Biosphere Supplement Doc

1. I knew this was something I wanted to pick up when I first read the fountain jumpdoc several months ago
2. I use the "Personal Reality" warehouse which was co-authored by SJ Chan, and this supplement feels perfectly tailored to supplement that
3. There are lots of good pickups for people with various interests, or those who just want to keep their options open
   1. Observation Deck seems like the real must-have since a lot of the other buys are controllable through it
4. The structure of the biosphere was a little confusing at first - I thought that there was an island, a void around the island, and a hard shell, and wasn't sure why you'd want to increase the shell thickness, but further reading cleared that up
5. On the whole, a good pick up, especially considering it only cost 400 CP in the jump, and normally buying warehouse upgrades with CP has a very unfavorable conversion, but in this case, the biosphere purchases all seemed cheaper than they ought to be.

(Builds to come in a separate post due to length restrictions)

I'm currently querying a book and I got this rejection letter:

"Thank you again for your submission. You have an amazing foundation and the writing is lovely. But from a reader perspective, I found the overuse of italics to be distracting. The Chicago Manual of Style and APA have guidance on the use of italics in fiction writing, and generally say to use italics for emphasis (especially in dialogue). A great example of this is Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone is from a genre—upper middle grade fantasy—where the use of italics in dialogue is common.
As always, this is subjective and just my sole opinion. Other agents likely will differ, and you may have already secured an agent, so disregard my opinion.
So, I'm sorry. I will have to pass on this version. Should you ever revise in the future, and utilize interiority vs. italics for thoughts and deep POV, I'd be happy to consider again,
Thank you for considering me and best of luck with your future queries."

It seemed promising, but I write in the third person and I thought italics were used for thoughts. I'm not sure what the agent wants in this case. Do they want me to remove the italics and use "quotes" instead (though I think this is confusing to separate speech from thought) or are they looking for a 1st person's POV vs. 3rd person (if that's the case they probably aren't the agent for me)? Do they want more telling instead of showing in this case? Or is it something else entirely?

I think its common knowledge in these circles that the first draft of TPM from 1994 (originally called The Beginning) is much better. Still very flawed, but a good baseline for a better movie.
For some reason, Lucas added many things in the final draft that made the movie a lot worse. It's fascinated me for a while now about how things could have been if the original script was built upon.
I have been watching videos summing up the original draft for a while now and I discovered something. Apparently Lucas gave his final TPM draft to Lawrence Kasdan a week before shooting started and asked for him to take a look at it. However, Kasdan refused because he though he wouldn't have enough time to make revisions.
I want to imagine how TPM would look if Kasdan or some other hypothetical collaborator got to see the first draft in 1994 and fixed it up. This isn't my preferred PT rewrite. This is just what I would have done if Lucas had dropped his first draft in my lap and told me to revise it.
Here are the videos I got the information from:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TPHUWM3QNk0
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OqsD8s2W9Ho
The movie starts with an opening crawl talking about how it is a time of weakness in the Republic. The Outer Rim controlled by megacorporation's has seceded backed by droid armies. War has not broken out yet, but the galaxy is on the brink. They are now blockading the peaceful planet of Utapau to gain its rich plasma mines as well as its newly discovered Cloning formula. The Supreme Chancellor Valorum has dispatched two Jedi to investigate and/or negotiate if they can.
We then cut to a republic starship coming to land just like in the finished film. Only the Jedi are wearing samurai esqe uniforms (like the concept art), one black and one white. The black uniformed Jedi is Obi Wan Kenobi who is about 30, trained by Yoda and is already a full Jedi Knight. Very strict and by the book. The white uniformed Jedi is his brother Ben Kenobi who just became a full jedi. This is Ben's first mission without his master Oui Gon.
Ben Kenobi is very reckless and wonders why the Republic doesn't just declare war on the Confederacy already. Obi Wan argues with him while they wait in the conference room. Meanwhile Nute Gunray and the rest of the Nemoidians look more like how they do in early concept art. Much less humanoid and they speak in an alien language with subtitles.
They call Palpatine on the hologram and he is enraged that they let the Jedi land. He chokes Nute Gunray through the hologram, cowing him. They agree to kill the Jedi and things go similarly as in the finished movie. The ship is blown up, and poison gas is pumped into the conference room. Ben and Obi Wan cut their way through the battle droids and get to the hanger. They decide to stow away on the landing craft.
On the surface of Utapau they run into Jar Jar. In this version though, Jar Jar while emotional and still comic relief speaks in a normal voice and is a bit more mature. He's more of the everyman character. Ben persuades Jar Jar to take them to the Gungan city with a mind trick, this is something Obi Wan disapproves of. Ben is more unorthodox.
They get there and are captured just like the real film. The only difference is that all the Gungans have regular voices. They are taken to Governor Nass and we learn that Jar Jar was banished because he was a trouble maker who argued for more cooperation between the Gungans and Humans. As he rants, fish continuously fall through the bubble and a young gungan gathers them up and puts them outside again.
The two Jedi still convince him to call the humans and the whole bubble is engulfed in static. It is clear that communications have been cut off. The two Jedi are then given a submarine and told to try to navigate the planet core. Nobody has been able to do it in generations and it is clear Nass thinks its a suicide mission, a convenient way to get rid of three nuisances. They then travel through the planet core being attacked by various creatures while Jar Jar is kept calm through mind tricks.
We then cut to the city of Oxon (what later became Theed) where Queen Amidala who is 40 and her daughter Princess Padme around 14 are being briefed by captain Panaka and Sio Bibble. The Queen is complacent while Padme thinks they should take the fight to the Confederacy. Suddenly the droid army attacks the city and we see building being blown up and city guards killed.
The Queen, Padme, Panaka and all the other dignitaries are captured. Nute and the rest of the Nemodians show up as well to gloat like in the final movie and give some more exposition about how they want Utapaus cloning formula. We then see the Gungan submarine surfacing and the Jedi and Jar Jar sneak into the city.
They find the prisoners being walked down an alley and save them like in the real movie. Ben uses some flashy moves to finish the droids off and is almost killed by another droid while his back is turned. Obi Wan cuts the droid down and admonishes Ben for his recklessness. The Queen and co are pleased to see two Jedi knights but they are very hostile towards Jar Jar. Which the Jedi are displeased over.
They run to the hanger like the finished film and free the Pilots, however a stray blaster shot kills the Queen with Padme screaming in horror as they board the ship. The humans also try to prevent Jar Jar getting on board but the two Jedi insist upon it.
The ship gets attacked by the blockade and Naboo guards man gun positions while astromech droids finish the repair. After they get into hyperspace there is only one droid left. R2D2 who is thanked by a still in grieving Padme. She goes off down into the droid bay to be alone and runs into Jar Jar who consoles her. This starts Padmes turn towards liking the Gungans instead of being bigoted towards them.
Meanwhile Ben and Obi Wan look through the planets accessible through their damaged hyperdrive and only find one inhabited world. Tatooine, which most of the royal guards/pilots are horrified about. Still they have no choice so they land. Padme goes with the Jedi despite protests. She wants to see another planet and get some fresh air after what just happened. Panaka lets her go reluctantly because she has two Jedi to guard her. Jar Jar also goes with them because the Utapau humans say he's "stinking the ship up".
We then cut to Utapau again where Nute Gunray and the Nemoidians are talking to captured scientists about their cloning program. They look at something in a cloning tank and look impressed. Then a hologram droid walks in projecting Darth Sidious. He castigates them for their failure in letting the princess get away and they grovel before him again. Darth Sidious says its no matter, as he will send his apprentice, Darth Maul. The Sith warrior himself looks even scarier than in the film we got with him looking like the concept art, he also has blood red robes.
We cut to a balcony on Coruscant where master and apprentice talk. Maul speaks more than in TPM and says how eager he is to get revenge on the jedi, they are no match for me yada yada.
Back on Tatooine in Mos Espa we see our heroes trying to get the part they need. It is a rowdy place and a leering slimy alien (Sebulba but we don't know that yet) tries to touch Padme arm but she elbows him and after that the crowd gives them a wide berth. Obi Wan and Ben sense something, an overpowering aura of the force. They follow it and find themselves in front of Wattos junk shop.
They meet Anakin who is 14 the same age as Padme. He is mature for his age and has a bit of a chip on his shoulder from being a slave. We also meet Watto but he resists the mind tricks because of his strong will, not because of his species. Things go similarly, though the dialogue would be much better, no "are you an angel" in this version. Jar Jar still clumsily breaks a few things but it is more toned down. Watto also hits Anakin and tells him to get back to work. Ben grabs Wattos arms as he is about to hit him again while Obi Wan helps him to his feet.
The heroes get nowhere with Watto especially after stopping Wattos abuse and a sandstorm starts to blow in so Anakin offers to take them to his place. We meet Anakin's adopted mother Shmi Lars and her son Owen Lars who is older (19) and very protective of his little brother. At the dinner scene we learn about Anakin's Podracing (how he's nicknamed Skywalker) and how many people gamble on it for huge sums of money. Ben gets an Idea while we also see just how rare Jedi actually are in most of the galaxy with Owen calling them wizards.
We then see Anakin working on his Pod while talking to Padme. They both share their own struggle going up. Padme says she's never met anyone like Anakin while Anakin says he's never met anyone like her either. He then kisses her on the cheek while Jar Jar (who was watching out of boredom) jumps in surprise. Meanwhile we see the Jedi helping Shmi and Owen with the dishes.
The topic of Anakin's father comes up. We learn that Shmi's sister left Tatooine when she was young in search of adventure. Years later she came back and gave Shmi baby Anakin begging her to take care of him before leaving. She had a lightsaber on her belt same as the two Jedi now. She also tell them how Anakin is special and can see things before they happen, just like her sister.
Ben says Anakin needs to be trained as a Jedi while Obi Wan resists the idea saying he's too old. He's all about giving the family their freedom but not taking along Anakin. Owen is Obi Wans side, saying Anakin's head is already off in the clouds as it is. Being a Jedi won't help him, he needs to be grounded and down to earth. His idealism is going to get him killed. Shmi isn't sure which side to take in the argument and defers judgement until after Anakin hopefully wins the podrace tomorrow.
Ben goes out and talks to Anakin and tells him about the Jedi and the Sith. We get a whole spiel about how strong Anakin is and how he would be a great asset to the order. Meanwhile, Darth Mauls ship lands on Tatooine at dusk and he sets out different probes to find the Jedi and the Princess. He smiles evilly to himself, showing rotting teeth.
The pod racing stuff is basically the same, only Padme is outraged when Sebulba threatens Anakin and Ben/Obi Wan manage to get the freedom of Owen and Shmi as well by trickery (not sure how). There is no two headed announcer and no Jabba cameo either. At the end, in desperation, Anakin uses his force powers to crash Sebulbas pod killing him. Nobody notices that Anakin used the force except the two jedi who look on in concern
While everyone else gathers around Anakin's pod to celebrate Ben and Obi Wan have a heated argument in the shadows of the bleachers. Obi Wan takes this as a reason why Anakin shouldn't be trained while Ben thinks that it would be better to teach Anakin before he falls down the path of evil. Eventually they agree to let Anakin decide, Obi Wan saying he'll probably want to stay with his family.
However Anakin decides to go. His mother respects his decision and is proud of him while Owen is furious, but accepts the decision as well but telling Anakin that one day he'll regret his choice and when he does he's always welcome to come live with them again. The family hugs while everyone else just kind stands around.
They walk back through the desert when they encounter a probe droid. Obi Wan slashes it with his lightsaber and tells everyone to run. Everyone runs inside while Maul approaches in his speeder bike. The fight goes differently as it is a two one one fight. They all exhibit powers never seen in the original trilogy like levitating objects swirling around them, going super fact, and slow motion. Basically a Matrix fight with lightsabers before they both jump onto the ship.
The scenes as they travel to Coruscant are similar. Anakin and Padme miss their parents etc. They then arrive at Coruscant and it is basically like the finished movie in design. They land and meet Chancellor Valorem, Senator Palpatine, and Qui Gon Jinn. Qui Gon hugs Ben like a son while Palpatine talks to Padme. Padme then talks to Jar Jar about how she doesn't understand the rift between the Gungans and the Humans. We then learn that the Gungans have a large army. Padme has an idea and decides to go back to Utapau.
The senate scenes are cut down dramatically. Its more of a montage showing Padme's increasing frustration before she finally calls for a vote of no confidence while Palpatine smiles sinisterly. The Jedi Council meanwhile consists of three members. Qui Gon who is a very unorthodox Jedi mindful of the living force (wanting the jedi to go and help the common people more), Mace Windu a bastion of militaristic conservatism (wanting the Jedi to take their rightful place as generals/leaders, and Yoda who wants to stay the course on isolationism and study of the force.
We don't see the Jedi trials, Anakin just talks about them to Ben, Obi Wan and Qui Gon. He says he didn't understand them, and Qui Gon who has taken a liking to this upstart kid says he wasn't supposed to. They are all called in and Mace says Anakin shall not be trained. He is too old and there is much anger in him. Anakin is heartbroken while Obi Wan nods grimly in acceptance. Ben Kenobi however is not having it. He says he shall train Anakin with or without the councils permission. Mace denounces this as Heresy while Qui Gon smiles. Yoda sighs and says the matter will be decided after this current crisis has ended.
Ben, Obi Wan, and Qui Gon all decide to go with Padme, but Anakin is told to stay behind. There is also the discussion about how Anakin is dangerous which Anakin overhears. Being told by Ben and Qui Gon that he's not a problem and how he will be a Jedi. Anakin gets an idea and sneaks aboard the ship with the help of R2. He is quickly discovered to Obi Wans rage and Bens laughter.
They get back to Utapau and have to go through the blockade. Anakin is able to hyperspace jump between the ships and the planet with motivation from Ben. Our heroes then try to find the Gungans at their city but it has been completely blown up. We actually see this though, as well as Jar Jars sorrow before he remembers the Gungans sacred place.
They go there and like the movie Padme makes a big speech about overcoming difference, with Jar Jar intelligently backing her up. We then get ready for the battle. Anakin tinkers with a disabled battle droid and finds out there is a second droid control hidden somewhere in the palace. So the plan is set. The Gungans will distract the droids, while the humans will infiltrate the palace, one team disabling the backup control systems and the others capturing Nute or stealing starfighters that will be used to take out the droid control ship.
The plan goes into action and things are kind of similar to the finished film, though Jar Jar shows intentional heroism instead of the goofy antics in TPM. When the starfighters are launched though, Padme goes into the fighter with Anakin. Him being the pilot and Padme being the gunner. The rest of the human teams make short work of the battle droids. However when they reach Nute a surprise is awaiting them, clones.
These clones look kind of like Dark Troopers and a Super Battle droid had a kid. They decimate the Utapau soldiers while Nute flees. Meanwhile with the Jedis they disable the secondary control system but are then met with Darth Maul. It is a brutal and awe inspiring fight. 3v1 and yet Maul still comes out on top. He knocks out Qui Gon who falls of the bridge (the duel setting is the same) while taunting the other two. "This is the end of the jedi" you get the drill.
The remaining soldiers manage to kill the clones but there are not enough left to fend of the droids. They are captured same as the Gungans. Ben gets riled up, makes a mistake and is killed. Obi Wan screams and charges getting knocked into the pit, hanging on by a thread. Meanwhile Anakin and Padme manage to destroy the flagship at the same time that Obi Wan takes Ben's lightsaber and cuts Maul in half. He then says "learn not live not as my master says" and then rushes to Bens side.
Ben begs him to train Anakin and he agrees. Meanwhile the humans and Gungans are celebrating. We cut to Qui Gon and Queen Amidala's funeral. Qui Gon throws away his lightsaber and walks off. He is done with the jedi after the death of what was effectively his son. Palpatine looks at him go intrigued. Meanwhile Yoda and Obi Wan argue over Anakin's training. Obi Wan says he will train him even without the will of the council like Ben said. Yoda gives in but warns Obi Wan of his arrogance.
We then get the celebration the end.

Hi self publishers
I'm a software developer exploring the idea of creating a website that would allow authors to input their manuscript and generate a narrated audiobook.
I'm guessing that the biggest obstacle around this would be lack of quality but I feel like text to speech has gotten pretty good now to the point where it might be a viable option, especially for people who can't afford to hire narrators.
I created a quick sample to give you an idea of the quality: http://sndup.net/t87s
There would be a few different voices to choose from and it would be delivered quickly (probably under 10 minutes, definitely under an hour). It would be in .mp3 format, split into chapters and ready to upload to Audible or similar platforms.
Curious to hear your thoughts on whether you would find this valuable, what features would be most important, and how much you would consider paying for it.
Thanks!

I am basically brand new to creative writing, having not written anything since I was a teenager. I've recently felt a spark to start writing again. I'm hoping for some honest critiques so I can know what I have to improve on. What do you think? Are you interested to read the rest or is it awful? Thank you!!
This is an excerpt from a short story. For some context, the MC is living in modern times, gets lost while driving home, her car dies and she ends up walking to look for help. She winds up here...
"Words escape me as I take in the woman in front of me. She is dressed in a floor length navy blue gown reminiscent of sometime in the 17th century. My eyes shift behind her… a fire is lit in a hearth. Next to a window on the far side are a table with two chairs. And seated in one of them is a man, who by this point is beginning to stand up and make his way to the door as well. The way their faces looked when they saw at me was similar to how I imagine my own must have been. Pure, undiluted confusion. I shake my head and tried to find words. “Who are you?” Demanded the man as he approached. “I… I’m lost.. I.. my car broke down a couple of miles down the road.. I just need a phone so I can call for help..I..” I spluttered. “Are you okay, miss?” The woman asked with concern in her face. “I’m not sure, to be honest.” Their gazes shift from confusion to concern to suspicion as they take in the sight of me. While they are dressed for a renaissance faire, I’m sporting a thigh length floral print dress with a denim jacket. “Who are you?” The man demands again. “My name is Millie… I work just down the road at the James River Elementary School… I’m just trying to get home. Do you have a phone I could use, please? I need to call for help.” “Phone?" He glances at his wife, motioning for her to move away from the doorway, "Miss, I haven’t a clue what you speak of…” Who on earth doesn’t know what a phone is? I can’t be so far out of town that I’m talking to people who are that out of touch. I begin to explain but think better of it. “Miss, please come with me..” He dons a long brown jacket over his off-white cotton shirt and steps out the door past me, motioning for me to follow. Something about following a strange man, wearing historical clothing, down a dark path through the woods feels very wrong at this moment, but I don’t see a way out of it. So I follow for several quiet minutes until we come upon another building, slightly larger than the house we just came from. This one also has a thatched roof, with smoke billowing out of a chimney. The man opens the door and holds it for me, motioning me forward. I go. “Good evening, constable…” He says to a man seated at a wooden table. He has a piece of old looking paper and a feather quill in front of him, along with an ancient looking mug. This is all beginning to feel like a fever dream. I’m almost too confused to feel the fear that continues to build inside me. “Who is this here, Thomas?” He says to the man, eyeing me with suspicion. “She just showed up at our doorstep. She’s been mutterin’ on about needin’ help… talkin’ all kinds of nonsense about something called a…” He turns to me and says “What did you say, miss…?” “My car broke down a few miles down the road… I walked here, I can’t find my phone, I just need some help getting home…” I say with urgency. “All I need is to make a phone call and I’ll be out of your way…” “That was it.. phone? See, speakin’ nonsense, sir. I figured it best to bring her here.” The man, Thomas, says. “I see.. I see.” The constable rubs his temples as if exasperated and stands up, the chair scraping against the wooden floor as he pushes it back. “I’ll take it from here, Thomas. I thank ya. You’ll best be on your way.” At that, Thomas turns on a heel and walks back out the door the way we came. The constable takes a firm hold of my upper arm and leads me to a barred cell. “What is this?” I demand, beginning to panic. “Miss, I will not take the chance of witchery here. It’s my job as constable to keep the citizens of Jamestown safe, and I intend to do so. You’ll stay here til the morning, when Justice Stoughton will see ya.” He had a thick accent, English I think. It was like a light bulb in my mind suddenly flashed bright. The lack of traffic, the buildings, the historical clothing and weird speech… the confusion when I told them I needed my phone. Either at some point from the time I left work until now, I traveled back in time to early Virginia… or I’m dreaming. I resolve that the only thing that makes sense is that I’m dreaming. And I’d like to wake up now. At some point in the night, I fall asleep. As I sit leaning against the cold wall of the cell, the adrenaline from the evening wears off a bit. I can’t help but feel utter exhaustion, which eventually gives way to sleep. Several hours later, I wake with a start, confused about where I am. My body aches from sleeping sitting up. I glance over to the window and notice that the dark is giving way to dawn and the birds are beginning to sing. I rub my eyes, hardly able to believe that this nightmare hasn’t ended yet. I hear footsteps approaching. The constable fumbles with a set of large keys as he searches for the one to my cell. Once he manages to unlock it, he sets a piece of bread and a metal mug on the floor near the door with a clunk. I didn’t realize until this moment that I am absolutely ravenous. A crusty piece of bread off the floor doesn’t sound appetizing but at this very moment I will take what I can get. I reach over to retrieve my fare. I quickly eat the bread and take a gulp from the mug."

It's been 30 days since I quit caffeine and made my first-ever Reddit post: https://www.reddit.com/decaf/comments/1c7ui2it_is_a_nightmare_to_be_addicted_to_caffeine_this/
Considering my previous consumption, I've managed to avoid approximately 100 to 120 large, strong black coffees, as well as some teas, sodas, and chocolate.
Here's my experience so far:
WEEK 1

• Experienced the usual withdrawal symptoms like headaches, neck/back pains, and feeling sick.
• Felt the urge to seek dopamine from other sources like sex, masturbation and sugar.
• Despite the fatigue, I felt euphoric, possibly due to the excitement of starting a new chapter in my life.
• Pleasant relaxed feeling in my body, as if my body was thanking me for giving up poison.
• Experienced uncomfortable memories, shame, guilt, and anxiety before sleep, leading to bad sleep some nights.

WEEK 2

• Noticed an increased sense of humor, more relaxation in social contexts, and a newfound ability to give a speech at my grandmother's birthday, something I never usually do.
• I noticed that I was more open to new experiences, more tolerant, and more creative.
• Less impulsive and more rational, patient, and calculating.
• Physical symptoms alleviated, allowing me to enjoy my daily 2-hour walks and light exercises.
• Found it difficult to work and procrastinated on non-urgent tasks but felt more hopeful overall.

WEEK 3

• Experienced depression and decreased cognitive abilities.
• Struggling to express myself and solve day-to-day problems.
• Anxiety set in, causing me to avoid social events, which was the complete opposite of the sudden confidence I had in the second week to give a speech and be more relaxed.

WEEK 4

• Depression and anxiety worsened.
• I've started taking cold showers in the mornings for a boost, and I'm finding it helpful.
• Had scary thoughts about feeling this way forever, and worried about my lack of motivation and drive to accomplish this year's plans.

What has immensely helped me to stay on track:

• Listening to "The Easy Way to Quit Caffeine" by Allen Carr on Audible.
• Listening to "Caffeine" by Michael Pollan on Audible.
• Listening to caffeine-related chapters of "Why We Sleep" by Matthew Walker on Audible.
• Reading Decaf every day and receiving support from the community, especially from those who commented on my initial post.
• The withdrawals - realizing the reality about the "safe and beneficial" nature of caffeine.

I believe that I am on a good path. I will not stop, and I will not break, even if I have to sacrifice things, opportunities, and plans and endure the awkwardness of my lessened social capabilities and social anxiety. That said, I really hope that it will be over soon. To everyone out there fighting - you are not alone. It is and will be worth it! Stay strong!

I am 42, turning 43 in December .
I had a stroke in August 2022.
I had to relearn how to walk, which was successful.
My vision took a big hit; I have a left field deficit that likely is not coming back. I see double. My ability to read has been severely affected.
My left arm is affected, and is now probably not going to be of much use beyond semi useful decoration.
My left hand is likely and probably going to remain non-functional.
Cognitively, I am pretty much normal. I have noticed myself having"Senior moments", and my "trivia memory"has taken a strike. For example, it takes me a struggle to remember the name of particular actors. I can tell you there IMDb information, but I'll have to be patient on recalling their actual name. For those needing clarification on "senior moments", imagine walking into a room and wondering why you walk in there. Or having to more heavily rely on Google calendar and your phone's alarm clock system to keep track of appointments. Basically, my working memory has taken a strike, so I need to rely on crutches such as these.
So why am I coming here today?
I do not know what to do with myself. Obviously, I am prone to depression from these events and consequences. I feel I have become much smaller.
I have not worked since my stroke. I would like to return to work as I am able to, likely meeting assistive technologies.
In case you are wondering, I am using speech to text to dictate this post. You shall have to excuse mistakes.
I feel like I have no direction, and with that no movement - - or at least no movement of meaning or usefulness to speak of.
In before folks start talking about going to therapy, I have been going through Kaiser for medical. The Kaiser psych department has basically sequestered me to some low tier level of"therapies"which are regulated to blocks of eight sessions max, with referrals to PowerPoint based group sessions involving DBT. While that is all well and good, there's really not much that can offer in terms of addressing specific issues that I won't get into here.
There was a program offered by the state for people who had suffered TBI, and I had attended for several months. However, I have stopped attending, because they offer services geared towards folks with a deficit in cognition. It took a while for them to understand that I knew what people meant when they said the word "spaghetti". Their activities were tantamount to various flavors of vocabulary lessons floating between SAT vocabulary prep and crossword puzzles. Please define these words you have never heard of in your life. Lack of knowledge of words you have never heard of in your life is evidence that you are cognitively impaired excuse me? Explain that one to me. I digress.
As one point of reference, somewhere along the line of trying to gear their offerings more towards what I might find useful I was asked to explain what the phrase "every cloud has a silver lining"meant; fair enough, but they're just seems to be a disconnect between help on offer and help needed.
I came here seeking advice and the experience of others who have gone through similar.
Even if you were fortunate to have your stroke and return straight back into work, I would like to hear your story.
I would also like to hear your story of how you were struck down and were able to rebuild yourself, your life, your world after your apocalypse.
I know that I can do this.
I have no map.
My compass seems to be pointing towards magnetic purple.
I need a clue.
I am looking for reorientation.
Paint me a picture, please.
Crayons might be required, but the crayons do not need to be flavored.
P. S.
I am making efforts to be social out in the real world. I am fortunate enough to be able to get myself to activities, and interact with other people in real life.
However, I do tend to be a homebody.
I am opened to questions.
Thank you in advance.

Sorry in advance for the really long post.
This all began at the start of 2022. I had a seizure in January but didn't know it at the time. March 2022, I have a seizure at a job site and get fired because of it (the company pulled some shady stuff to avoid me suing them for discrimination. Nice.) but was sent to a neuro who gave me Keppra. Bad idea. One of the worst drugs I have ever taken, you couldn't get me to touch that drug again if you paid me. So we switched to Vimpat. It worked well enough for a while (until it didn't) but it still gave me side effects. I didn't want to kill myself or fight strangers, but I didn't feel right. I still felt so heavy, and almost like a brick was inside my brain; I wasn't foggy, I was just downright incapable of understanding somethings. So then we switched to Lamictal. Then zonisamide with the Lamictal. And that didn't work, so we keep trying. Now I'm on Briviact and Lamictal, I've been seizure free for over three months now (the longest time since the start of January 2023! But it's taken us so long to get there, and I hated being a guinea pig and having to take six different medicines before we found a cocktail that seems to work.
Now, the stupidity. Much of my identity is based in my language skills (both in my native tongue, English, as well as my second languages) as well as my writing. Obviously there's much more to my life than just those things, much more than that, but that plays a big part in just who LinguisticHappiness is (name makes sense, huh?). But I can hardly think anymore. Lucky me that my TLE hits my language centers the hardest and I'm more or less globally aphasic when I'm in my post-ictal state. I trip over my words all the time. I make speech errors I never made before, like metathesis is my new chum the way it comes with me everywhere. I can't translate my feelings or thoughts into words. People who know me know how I am and understand this and feel for me, but when I meet new people now they assume I'm just a dumbass. I had a coworker talk down to me and try to explain how to speak English better and how to sound smarter. That was very much a confirmation of my fears. I forget what's happening all the time now. I'm a regular cannabis consumer, but I've cut down on it a whole lot since it gives me awful brain fog in tandem with the anticonvulsants, understandably. That hasn't helped a whole lot. Even removing the cannabis a lot, my short term memory is awful. I could be stone cold sober, put something down on the table, and five seconds later have absolutely no idea where it went. If I get slightly distracted in a conversation, the topic leaves my head just as fast as (or even faster than) it popped up in my head in the first place. I'm forgetting words more and more. I'm forgetting conversations I had even an hour prior. I'm forgetting basic information about people I met months ago. I started taking jiu jitsu classes recently and before all this I never had a problem seeing something and translating it to movement of my own body, and now I have difficulty sometimes following simple directions from the instructor.
I feel like a fucking moron. My brain feels more and more useless by the day. Someone else posted a day or two ago about how epilepsy has taken a lot from their life and how their "ideal" lifestyle (from the doctor's POV) would be dull and uninteresting, and ultimately unachievable. No stress, 8+ hours of sleep every night, never missing a dose, never touching alcohol, never staying up late, never going on hikes by yourself again... What's the point of taking these medicines if they're just going to make me miserable? Why try to improve my quality of life in one area just to worsen it in another? Why do I have to put all these chemicals into my brain when other people don't? Why can other people just get up and go traveling to whatever country they want whenever they want while I need to check with foreign governments to make sure I can bring my medicine and how to do that and I can't?
For someone who has difficulty translating her thoughts into words, I sure did say a lot. Sorry again for the essay. I just haven't been able to talk about this with anybody who understands it. Even though things are marginally better with the pharmaceutical cocktail I'm on now, but it's far from perfect and I still end up crying a night or two each week from this. This life I live now is much better than living in constant fear of seizures, scared that "uh oh, I feel a little woozy, do I need to warn someone and get down on the floor and take my Ativan right now?" but it's far from perfect and still not at all like life was before. I hate living in fear. I hate feeling like a complete idiot. I hate feeling trapped and limited. Even here I feel like there's so much I'm forgetting to say. Fuck epilepsy and fuck anticonvulsants.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, guys. I really appreciate all of you.

Hello everyone. This account is a throw-away, just created just now for this purpose, and to remain anonymous. I'm sorry, but this might get long.
Hi. I'm Blind_and_Empty. You can call me "bae", if you like, haha. That kinda worked out in my favor, didn't it? I understand that is how the younger folks are spelling 'babe' now. They can't even be bothered to type type the second "b" in, hahaha. Funny. And aggravating, especially when doing text-to-speech. Anyways, I'm a 55F, and was a preemie, so I have been "legally blind" since I was born, way back in 1968, when we were still pretty much in the cavemen era back then, you see. It was before we had personal computers or the Internet, and everything was done via landline telephones, paperwork, rubber stamps, and a lot of stapling and filing cabinets. My parents didn't know there was help for me, and I went to regular schools, but had special tutors come in from state agencies for the blind, to help me with large print books, etc. We didn't have a lot of options back then.
Fast forward to NOW. I am 55, and doing fine, healthy. I was not able to have children. I was not able to get married, because I never met a rich man who could support me, and I live on a small SSI check, like a lot of you.
The things is, I am at a point in my life now, a point I have feared for decades. I lost my dad long ago. I have never had siblings. I have lived with my mom for the past 25 years. We took care of each other. Over the years, everyone else in my family died. Both sides. And the 5 wonderful and amazing friends my mom and I had?--they all died either from covid 19 or cancer since 2019. And then, 3 days before Christmas, this past xmas, the point I feared for so long, my mom died. Suddenly. After a short few days in the ICU. It was not covid-- it was a stroke. She was only 76! I was truly living a nightmare in real life.
Now, I am alone. And before you guys start telling me I have a lot to live for, well, thank you--help me out with ideas, because I'm at my end of my list!
Things to know and consider:
First and most important-- I AM NOT SUICIDAL! I repeat: I AM NOT SUICIDAL!
Next, I live VERY rurally, on a dirt road. My neighbors are cows and pine trees, I kid you not! I don't have neighbors, they are far and few in between out here. This is important to know--that I live way out in the country! There are no resources out here, for the blind, or anyone, really. We can't even get an Uber out here, we are so far out! So-- also, the only store nearby is a Dollar General, and thank god I DO have the new option of Door Dash out here and gd if that dg isn't one of the 2 stores here they will shop for me. The other store is a food truck, that is no longer there. Man, I have OPTIONS, I tell ya!
Moving on>>> I have money. Plenty that my dear sweet mom tucked away for me, just for this purpose, for after she died, for me to DO something. Whatever I want. I'm comfortable.
But I feel like my life has no purpose. And it doesn't. And looking back, it never had! I've WASTED my entire adulthood. But not on drugs, or alcohol, just wasted because I had no kids, no career, no family of my own making, no social life. Then the Internet was pretty much 'born' circa Windows95 and my social life became an online social life only. Not a real physical one. Just because of circumstances.
Next thing to know is that I have, and always will be, an Atheist. You will NEVER change my mind, so please don't even try to start, and if you suggest I join a church, I will have to block you. I am adamant about my belief in science, not fairy tales. (I am sorry if this offends you, but it is how I feel).
I was not able to have kids. But besides that, I don't even care for their company much. At all. Not at all. So please no one suggest I try babysitting, NOT going to happen!
My life has and is pointless and I need ideas to keep going or I'm going to go crazy with grief!
I don't need a support group right now for my grief, I have plenty of support from hospice and some other agencies they hooked me up with. So I'm ok, they call and check on me and I have an app where I can call anyone at anytime. It's called Empathy app, and hospice told me about it. I'm also working through "A daughter's grief journal-losing your Mom" workbook, and that is helping.
But I've never had a career. I finished high school, and didn't know what to do, so for a year I sat around. Then I met a guy, and we got into trouble. I was a late bloomer when it came to having teenage angst and that 'I hate my parents" phase. (I never really hated them). I went through that phase at the late age of 25. I ran off to a party city and for the next 10 years did NOTHING but party.
Then, Dad got sick and died. I moved back home to help my mom sell our house and we packed up and moved together back to our home state. And for the past 25 years, I've lived with her. We were so close, so very very close, as mother and daughter. We were each others' world. And now, she's gone.
I have a lovely home, and a 2 acre yard, big enough to keep me busy. I hate gardening though. So I hire someone. I have a dog, and some cats. My yard is fenced in and safe, at least I'm doing MY part, even though most people who live in the country think it's normal to NOT fence in your pets!
I need something to do! I have some vision, so I can see a little. Enough. I'm bored! I have no idea what to do every day when I wake up! Sometimes I go outside and just howl and cry at night, or just go out there and SCREAM with frustration in the day, just to get it out!
We can do that out here in the country. We can also play our music as loud as we like and you can bet I'm doing that!
But I'm crying with ennui! Please help me find a goal or something to work on.
I saw a guy on TT, who had a stroke, Uncle Andy, and he can't talk much now, but his niece helps him create t-shirts and they sell them and it is a way to keep Uncle Andy from going bonkers, and to give him a reason like he feels his life still matters.
That is what I need. A reason to feel like my life CAN STILL MATTER somehow.
But I have no knowledge of how to make or edit videos. I have a great iPhone though! And now a pretty empty room in the house, full of potential. I don't know how to edit videos. I thought about starting a YT channel. But, of what? I have no talents. I can't play music. I can't draw or paint. I can't sing. I sure as hell can't dance. Have you ever seen a blind person try to dance? You kind of have to be able to watch others in order to learn those dance moves, you know? Well, us blind folks are kind of at a loss.......
I've tried macrame'. It's ok. But I don't like plants--I manage to kill them because I can't see how they are doing. I don't like gardening, remember?
I've tried making paperweights, other things with resin. Fun, but messy and hard for the blind!
I've tried glass dip fountain pens. What was I thinking? WHAT?!!
I have TRIED desperately to take up bird watching with strong binoculars. Psssshhh, sighhh. A blind birdwatcher. At least my birds are fat and full of food.
I don't want to blog---I've written SO much over my life, already. My own memoir, even. Just not published, yet. Hopefully, it's not finished yet. I hope to add some EXCITING (HINT! HINT!) chapters to it!
I can't see enough to use a sewing machine, or to knit.
I bought a handpan drum, and am TRYING to take lessons via YT, but again, I have no talent for music, though I am trying.
I have tried watercolors, acrylic paints, alcohol inks........I have no artistic talents either. Jealous of the painter, Monet.
I can't see to play any sports and I already have a workout routine with my kettlebells.
There is no place to volunteer here, and even if there was, I'd have no way to get there.
I am so desperate for ideas of stuff to do, I even bought drumsticks to try to drum on some empty plastic buckets, like I saw the kids in another city doing. This was before I bought the handpan drum, which you play very lightly, with ONLY your hands, no sticks or mallets. The bucket drumming was a disaster.
I can't see well enough to make jewelry.
I don't need to make money--so I'm not after that. In fact, I have enough money to start any project really, but what? I thought about even buying a pottery wheel and all of that junk, but for what? Even if I had a kiln, I'd have to sell the pottery after all, and I'm not interested in selling anything. I'd have to give it away, but why bother?
I am not able to get out to meet new people, to make new friends, and right now, I'm alone for the first time in life, and scared AF, and I don't trust ANYONE. I don't want strangers coming into my house, because Mom and I have been burglarized before twice, and that is a horrible and terrifying ordeal to go through once, let alone twice! And that was when she was here, and she HAD good eyes, and we still got hit, twice. Yes, it was people who had been in our home! No, the police never caught them or recovered our goods, which were handguns. NOW I HAVE A BIG ASS SAFE BOLTED TO THE CONCRETE FLOOR!
Looking back, 55 years of this life, of a human who is good hearted, who never really did anything bad in her life (that trouble I got into was between me and my parents and this guy, you know--the typical we hate your bf kind of crap trouble). I try to follow the wisdom of the Buddha, by living in the moment, by trying to be mindful. I am kind. I am generous and too damn softhearted. My life has been a waste! I only lived to keep mom ok, and she the same for me. We lived for each other. We traveled. We had fun. We did everything together. Now she's gone and I'm ruined, crushed, confused, so sad, so GDF sad! And I'm healthy, so I think I have another 20 in me, and I have enough money to do whatever I like, really.
I'm just out of ideas and because I live so rurally, I'm out of luck for resources. Oh god, how I'd give anything to be able to walk down a bustling sidewalk to my favorite local coffee house and sit down for an espresso while taking in the atmosphere of one of America's most famous cities, like I used to do, when I was in my 20's, and lived with this trouble-maker-of-a-boyfriend. But it allowed me the taste of freedom from home, and of what big-city-life was like. Now, I have a fancy Keurig machine, that I don't even find pleasure in anymore.
There is no pleasure in anything anymore, now that Mom is gone. I find it hard to even cook a meal, because there is no pleasure in it. I've lost so much weight... But I needed to, so that's a bonus. I spend SO much money on food, because our fridge was always packed FULL, and I don't know what else to do. But it is SO much food that I can't eat it. It gets hard, dried, wasted, tossed out. My pup and cats get a lot meat, hahaha.
Please help me find reasons to make me feel like the remainder of my life won't be wasted and for nothing. I know my life really wasn't "pointless" to those of you who mean well and to want to boast my mood, but come on, I am a realist, and look at what I have accomplished: NOTHING. I never even had a job. I've always been taken care of. I've been so effing fortunate, and I still am, because my Mom made sure I'd be taken care of. I can see now how spoiled I truly was. People always told me I was a spoiled brat, even though I was a quiet, and docile, scared blind child. I never made much noise, and always hid behind my parents' legs. I just need to find reasons to make the days feel like there is something to look forward to. A reason to be excited to get out of bed.
And please, no one suggest a new puppy or kitty or anything like that. I already thought about getting a kangaroo-- a few people around here DO have them-- but no. I already have pets. Mom and I tried a laying chicken, what a lot of work she was! Yeah, the egg every day or so was COOL, but we were too freaked out to eat it, (why????????), and that hen shat on EVERYTHING! So we gave her to a young girl who needed one for a science project. We called that hen "Betty Clucker" because we DID use her eggs sometimes in a cake or something. But we couldn't eat that egg by itself for some stupid reason. Mind over matter.
Anything else, I'd be grateful for your ideas.
I am just NOT open to church or kids. And we don't have an animal shelter here to volunteer at, so that is out too. Anyways, I'd have no way to get anywhere.
Please, I'm needing to keep myself busy, or the grief starts to work on me too much. I know it'll ease up in time, but it never stops hurting. So I already know to give myself time, to be easy on myself. I am folks. I'm just going crazy with not knowing what to do all day, every day.
Thank you ahead of time. I am eager to hear your replies, and I really do appreciate anyone who took the time just to read this. Thank you.