True donkey show

One of the interesting things Kamachi does with groups like True GREMLIN and the Bridge Builder's Cabal is creating groups with a wide-ranging variety of Mythologies and Legends represented. An interesting possibility I've seen brought up before is the idea of a group comprised of Classical Monsters such as Vampires (hopefully they appear someday) and Werewolves. And I think there's interesting potential there. Having non-human Paranormals and perhaps showing the Magic potential they have could be really interesting for the story. Plus, lots of interesting character possibilities.

I find there are a handful of AGPs who have some very incel-ish vibes that I don't really want to be associated with, because I honestly don't respect their opinions. By this, I don't mean the act of woe posting about the whole having-trouble-dating-as-an-AGP conundrum. That's a reasonable complaint. It can be done in a way that is respectful of all parties involved, including oneself. I also fully understand why an AGP might feel awkward or conflicted courting a woman, whether cis or trans.
However, there definitely are things that go beyond this. Some regurgitate the 20% gets 80% Pareto hypergamy nonsense that has literally become a joke at this point. But there's a subtler form of this: claiming that women have it easier, whether that's in terms of dating or anything else. I don't even need to elaborate why I think this is weird, especially when it comes from an AGP, but I will. Just because you want to be a woman doesn't mean you understand anything about women. If you want to be a woman (due to AGP), then you should have respect for them and accept that you don't know everything about their lives. This is especially true if you are just starting to socially transition.
It can be even subtler than this. For example, wearing corsets or maid outfits or other gauche attire like this isn't really what women do in their daily lives. Claiming that you wish you could be a woman to do these things is, well...well, it's frankly just kind of goofy as hell, and makes you seem pretty out of touch (or at least so self absorbed in AGP fantasy land) that you barely understand what being a woman would be. And it honestly comes off as somewhat like you don't respect women enough to understand they're more than this. I'm not saying this kind of stuff is off limits as a desire; after all, woman do cosplay or dress up as a hobby. You just need think on whether your idea of being a woman matches what women really are like when you make statements like these. They're not something people outside AGP circles will hear and think are sane.
Overall, I think most people here already understand this stuff and are decent, but I also think that if we want to be a "community", we should never be a safe harbor for garbage incel takes or casual misogyny. Instead, we should show that we're aware of it and make it a priority to not tolerate it. Just because we spread awareness for something that's uncomfortable doesn't mean we should be edgelords.

I've been thinking through what a Helldivers show would look like. Here's my take on what I think a good premise would be.
The show follows a Helldiver from training camp, maybe showing a montages of the journey their cryopod takes before they actually enter the battle. Bonus points for a couple of comedic failures in beauracracy along the way before it reaches its final destination.
Our John Helldiver's pod is used by another squad member to headshot a bile Titan surrounded by a heavy pack of bugs. John Helldiver emerges to be entirely consumed. Another Helldiver chides the one who threw the strategem for wasting reinforcements, but ultimately compliments their aim before throwing out a new reinforcement beacon.
Cut back to the ship shooting down another Helldiver pod and we follow the exact same visuals as the previous launch, except this time the pod hits the ground and the actual Helldiver we'll follow for the plot heroically emerges.
The squad of divers then proceeds to clear the map of objectives. ICBMs launched with high fives, bug holes bombed, 500 KGs dropped while everyone salutes, the good stuff. Things turn for the worse at extraction, where the team misses their ride out by a few seconds. The pelican flies away in their horror and the pelican-1 pilot comments on their noble sacrifice.
After some initial panic they will make a journey to a region where they know fighting is still happening, with the hope of getting on a new pelican. They scavenge the corpses of the many dozens of helldivers from previous missions to survive, encountering along the way the sheer scope of the deaths and gaining a wider perspective on the state of the Helldivers and how cheap their lives are.
When they reach the region they meet a struggling squad of helldivers who they manage to bail out and together the 8 can finish the mission with some ease and make their way to pelican 1 with this squad. The squad of 4 on the mission receive news that their helpers are in fact spies and bug sympathizers and are given orders to execute the interlopers.
The show ends with what at first appears to be the four helldivers sent on this mission grimly boarding this pelican. As it takes off with them in it, however, the camera pans down to four corpses that have been stripped clean of their armor, with the discarded armor of our main characters near them.
I feel like this plot would nail the general goofy gameplay loop, while also giving us a fun what if scenario for a failure to extract. The scenario also allows for the divers to slowly peel back the conspiracy to get a true look at how awful SEAF actually can be to Helldivers.

As much as I dislike celebrity culture somehow the whole northwest-lionking-nepotism scandal keeps on popping up and this is the only platform where people might read this.
Might turn out a bit long, sorry
Aperently, most people can't tell art if it smacks them in their face.
The story of the lion King is about a spoiled prince who thinks that just because of his linage he is worthy of being king. He needs to face hardship and go on his own journey to be worthy of his liniage and be king.
The "I just can't wait to be king" is all about how spoiled he is, thinking he just needs to "wait" to be king and how all of his sorrondings (except for the British parrot advisor dude) play along with it and act like he is special just because of his birthsake.
Everyone is talking about how this casting was disgusting nepotism - well that's the fucking point! No better way to portray simba than that and get people thinking about the MEANING of the show, and not only the aestetic and beauty of it.
Now for Kanye: There's no way that Kanye wouldn't understand this given he, unlike the Kardashians, actually understands art beyond the "show". Also, it was obvious this would be a train wreck leading to north being publicly humiliated. That leaves me with two options:

1. Kanye is brilliantly exposing to North that her surroundings (Kardashians, Hollywood etc) are all misleading her and are not going to tell her the truth or protect her. This will be norths sign to go on her own journey and face hardship in order to grow and become worthy of her liniage.
   
2. Kanye is showing us true art and social criticism, but at the cost of his own daughter (kind a psycho but I wouldnt put it past him.
   

That was my rant
Thanks for reading
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/north-west-disney-lion-king-backlash_n_6657509ce4b0169dc7590b3b

Recently I've been writing more poetry after winning an international competition on it out of the blue. A while ago, I wrote a personal poem on my parents but I felt something lacking so I showed it to a friend who reads literature. She told me that the poem feels like it was "thought out" and that one should not think while writing poetry. Would anyone consider that to be true? I thought all pieces of literature had to be thought out.

Am I (22F) crazy or being manipulated by my boyfriend (40M)?
I (22F) and my boyfriend (40M) began seeing each other almost 9 months ago. We met once before hooking up, then felt an intense connection the second time meeting and have been together since. He lives 4 hours away, initially he showed the desire and made the plan to come visit me. We have always had the most amazing time together. We fell in love very quickly. He told me he loved me in the very beginning, then months later we fully admitted our love for each other and that we wanted to be exclusive.
Since, I have been going to his city to visit him atleast once a month, sometimes spending weeks there. Since then he has only come to my city to visit once (twice in total). When I met him I was unemployed and struggling with addiction. Early in our relationship I got sober and started healing from some trauma, he has been extremely supportive of me throughout this. He always tells me how proud he is of me and how attractive it is that I'm trying to better myself.
Ive met many of his friends and we go out regularly on the weekends. he has met a few of my friends and my uncle (who is a father figure to me). Since the new year he has been struggling with alot of anxiety about his future as he is 40 and feels that he got a late start to life as an ex-addict. He was unemployed for awhile then started a new job with very long hours and less pay than he's used to. It's caused us to have less time together even when I visit. Hes always tired and stressed.
I have also been mentally struggling as I have a lot of unadressed mental health issues and trauma. A few times I have gotten upset and expressed that we dont talk or spend as much time together as I'd like. This hurts his feelings and he says it makes him feel like he can't do anything right and I'm always upset about something. I also get incredibly defensive at any criticism and it makes it hard to have healthy communication. I've been really working on these things but also expressing to him that I need support while trying to support him.
I act out and find reasons to be upset because I have underlying insecurity due to a few things...

1. I haven't met his parents. He always told me his parents knew about me but I wasn't going to meet them yet because i wasn't in the best place (unemployed) and it's already an awkward situation as I'm 22. Recently I found out he was lying, his parents had no idea we are in a relationship. He was very apologetic and explained it's due to his own insecurities. I forgave him. He said we would meet once I am employed.
   
2. I feel like I'm part of his life but he isn't part of mine.
   
3. He has all of the photos of his ex still up on instagram with captions detailing how amazing she is and how proud of her he is. How madly in love with her he is. He has never posted me on his Instragram. He posts frequently. It feels like he's hiding me.
   
4. His parents met his ex and they were only together 8 months. She left him because of his addiction issues and they broke up around 3 years ago.
   
5. He keeps nude photos of his exes.
   

Almost 2 weeks ago I found Chaturbate in his history when watching YouTube on his computer and freaked out on him. He insisted he was just masturbating to it and not giving money, which I believe. I just didn't understand why he wouldn't just watch porn (which I also do and am 100 percent comfortable with). Instead of talking to him about it calmly, I lost my temper, yelled, called him names, and told him he's cheating.
We moved past it but he said he saw a side to me he hasnt seen yet and we can't have a relationship without trust where we get mad and call eachother names instead of communication. I know that's true, I don't know why I went about it the way I did. I went home a few days after and since we have had great communication. Talking on the phone every night, sending pics, etc.
This Sunday I saw a nude picture on a risky sex subreddit for the city he lives on (I was looking to make a point in an argument with my brother about sex addiction). The photo immediately caught my eye, everything in me told me it's him. It was in his exact area and the posting said they were 2 years younger than him. This posting was looking for NSA and discreet sex with men and women. I started reading into all of his past behavior and trying to find reasons why it is certainly him. My gut was screaming at me, but I also have intense betrayal trauma and always assume people will fuck me over.
Instead of talking to him about it I told him i know for certain what he did. He seemed to have no idea what I was talking about. He was very hurt and upset that I would ever think he would do that. He's always been so kind to me and reallyoves me. It caused a huge fight, he told me that he can't be in a relationship with someone who mistrusts him. Who always makes baseless accusations and pushes him away. He apologized for not being more tender and said that he loves me and we are going to work through these issues I'm having together, but since has been agitated with me.
Today I tried to tell him how I'm doing mentally and I was very overwhelmed and flustered, he was taking everything personally and we got in another argument. before these 2 weeks we RARELY argued and if we did, we would resolve it very easily and quickly. I just got a new job that I start in a couple of weeks. I expressed that I need him to come here more and that i want to meet his parents to make me feel more secure in the relationship. He told me he will come here more but he's not ready for me to meet his parents because this new side of me that he's seen. He wants to "see how things go". I feel heartbroken because 2 weeks of off behavior is enough for him to questjon whether he wants to be with me. Someone he claims to be madly in love with and want to spend his life with. Does he love me? Is this normal? Am I crazy?

Skibidi Toilet Forever chapter III: The Higher Ups : skibiditoilet (reddit.com)
The figure on our tablets announced himself, “I am Binocularman-281, and I am broadcasting from our base in the Bastion Oil Rig, just off the coast of Okinawa. We are ready and willing to join the Alliance. We’ve held off the Toilets on our own up until now, and now that they are finally nearing defeat, we would like to officially join the offensive.” The message ended before repeating. I don’t think any of us knew what we just saw. Not only was there an unheard of race of Binocularmen in existence, but they were wanting to join us this late into the conflict? Regardless, we continued our flight in peace all the way to the rendezvous point in Smolensk, where the Alliance was coalescing much of our forces for the final push to Moscow.
After the fall of Alpha-Hills Labs, G-Toilet and his most trusted soldiers along with time engineers and scientists fled North America and traveled all the way to Moscow, where they’d already built a secondary base in case their main one fell. Now, from what I’ve heard, Moscow has been turned into a veritable fortress crawling with Toilets, with solid walls surrounding it. If those rumors were true, it’d 100% require the sheer size of the army that was being gathered here.
The Cameracopter was put down in a lot that used to house several buildings - which were destroyed and eventually leveled and cleared out - and now seemed to serve as one of the main landing strips for the area. The entire 2nd and 4th Camera Armies, plus the 3rd Speakerman Army were gathered, complete with mechanized and aerial divisions. After landing, we all stepped off only to be immediately greeted by Polycephaly. He put a hand on the Detective’s shoulder, and they both disappeared in a puff of smoke. My best guess is that he was taken to the TV base to prepare for his mission. As for me, I made my way to one of the barracks, which were all filled with agents doing really whatever they felt like doing to keep themselves entertained. Somebody somehow found a beach ball and threw it into one of the tents. I was about to head in, but a couple seconds later it came flying out, about five Cameramen chasing it out. It wouldn’t hurt to join them.
They were all taking turns bouncing it between each other in a circle that got bigger with every lap, so I slid in and waited until it was my turn. I put my hands together and hit it, sending it to the one next to me. We managed to play about four more rounds before I ended up backing into somebody. I turned around to see one of our upsized units, Cameraman-L-13, one of the MK1s who still had synthetic skin, although he had sustained a large gash on his neck at some point, revealing his mechanical parts on one side.
“Watch it.” He spat out.
“My bad, I guess I was caught up in the game.”
He stepped between two players just as the ball was being passed, grabbing it in one hand and squeezing it between another, popping it. Some of the Cameramen looked down, one of them kicked the ground and went back inside.
“What was that for?” One of them asked.
“We’re soldiers. We fight, not play. Leave that to the humans.”
“Yeah,” I said, “I agree, but we can enjoy ourselves too. Live a little and worry about being a robot meant only for fighting when you’re actually fighting.”
He waved his hand down at me, “You haven’t been through what I have; maybe you’re not as jaded as I am, but to me, you seriously look like a bunch of little kids who don’t know what they’re doing.”
With that, he threw the popped beach ball on the ground and walked off. I picked it up and tossed it at him, it landing on the back of his head with a loud plap. He turned around and started marching at us, so we ran back into the tent and sealed it shut. We didn’t hear anything else from him.
The tent was quite spacious for being something that was set up in five minutes by a couple of bored Cameramen, with cots hung from the structural beams, with footlockers beneath them for whatever personal items they might have. There were a couple hanging lanterns running the center of the roof which were turned off at the moment, and the floor was simply the concrete that was already there when the tent was set up.
Even though we’d likely be sent to all different squads once the battle begins, we still took the time to introduce ourselves. The tent housed eight MK3s including me, plus two MK2s who wore minor scars and scrapes on their lenses and frames. One of them, a MK2 by the serial number 1116, fought in every major campaign from New York, Dubai, London, Florida, Dubai again, and New Mexico, and he’s got the scars to prove it. When we pestered him to show it, he took off his glove and revealed a tiny scuff mark on the tip of his finger. 2858 took out his tablet and found 1116’s recordings, and he lost it. He flipped it around and showed us every battle he took part in: In New York and Dubai, he sat on the rooftops and watched the Titans fight. In London, he climbed a lamppost and hid there for the entire battle. And in New Mexico, he never even made it to Alpha-Hills; the battle was over while his company was still on its way. Turns out his “battle scar” was from when he got bit by a lizard.
It was all in good fun, of course, and we eventually got a notification on our tablets: The offensive would be launched in two days’ time, and the Binocularmen would be deploying their 5th and 6th armies to aid us.

Kanye has done it again.
As much as I dislike celebrity culture somehow the whole northwest-lionking-nepotism scandal keeps on popping up and this is the only platform where people might read this.
Might turn out a bit long, sorry
Aperently, most people can't tell art if it smacks them in their face.
The story of the lion King is about a spoiled prince who thinks that just because of his linage he is worthy of being king. He needs to face hardship and go on his own journey to be worthy of his liniage and be king.
The "I just can't wait to be king" is all about how spoiled he is, thinking he just needs to "wait" to be king and how all of his sorrondings (except for the British parrot advisor dude) play along with it and act like he is special just because of his birthsake.
Everyone is talking about how this casting was disgusting nepotism - well that's the fucking point! No better way to portray simba than that and get people thinking about the MEANING of the show, and not only the aestetic and beauty of it.
Now for Kanye: There's no way that Kanye wouldn't understand this given he, unlike the Kardashians, actually understands art beyond the "show". Also, it was obvious this would be a train wreck leading to north being publicly humiliated. That leaves me with two options:

1. Kanye is brilliantly exposing to North that her surroundings (Kardashians, Hollywood etc) are all misleading her and are not going to tell her the truth or protect her. This will be norths sign to go on her own journey and face hardship in order to grow and become worthy of her liniage.
   
2. Kanye is showing us true art and social criticism, but at the cost of his own daughter (kind a psycho but I wouldnt put it past him.
   

That was my rant
Thanks for reading
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/north-west-disney-lion-king-backlash_n_6657509ce4b0169dc7590b3b

I am dying to know what comes from the Trump verdict, we're all dying to know. This whole thing pisses you off because I was born and raised in this country and I like it. I like how we are (were) a first world country that has democracy and how we did not have corruption. This is the first time in history where the political party in power is trying to put their political opponent in prison. Stop thinking Democrat vs Republican. Pretend that Republicans are in power and they try to stick the law/DOJ on the leading Democrat opponent. Are you telling me you would still smugly say "no one is above the law".
It is clear Joe Biden is above the law. Biden stored classified documents in his Wilmington garage since he was a senator and that is highly highly illegal, but then the DOJ charges Trump for it and not him ? So when Biden does the same thing it is ok ? The average American sees this and is going like "damn, you all are not subtle about your corruption".
This is really making people motivated to vote for Trump. I will unapologetically vote for Trump because it is a vote against this corruption and dirty playing. I have been talking to moderate friends that are going to do the same. Hell, I have even seen CNN and MSNBC legal anaylists going like "yeah...they don't really have a strong case here". Crime in NYC is so bad guys. I go there once in awhile. I see a lot of people committing crime and they get caught, then released because of bail reform. Look at the Daniel Penny case, that guy had a long rap sheet and he should have been locked up, but no, they don't want to be hard on these people because of ideological reasons. Yet they go after Trump who made some mistakes on his paperwork ? Are you kidding me right now ?
To the smug white progressive reading this: Trump is not your problem, your problem is about half the country not liking your sh!tty progressive policies. You all think if Trump dies then almost everyone will get on board to the progressive agenda, this is not true. You actively hate 50% of this country and since you're having a hard time convincing average joe to vote for Joe Biden, then you do this as punishment. We are not a third world country, we don't put political opponents in prison here. I know Reddit is an echo chamber here and you don't see what actual Americans outside of Reddit are thinking. People are pissed and it is making people want to vote for Trump even more. I know you all will smugly say "no one is above the law", but clearly Democrats and Joe are above the law. Hunter owes $ 1 million to the IRS and IRS members have testified this to congress but the leadership at the IRS lets it go. You can't say no one is above the law when people are clearly above the law. Democrats are doing what communist did called "show me the man and I'll show you the crime". The corruption is so blatant

I hated missy by the end of young sheldon, and it makes me upset. I’m the early seasons missy was my absolute favorite character. She had all the good lines, had common sense, and made the show even better. Then she got her tween/teen era. I can’t stand missy anymore. She ruins everything, and gets mad when she has to face real consequences. I understand living with Sheldon can be hard, and I know he gets the most attention. But Sheldon clearly has something, whether it’s autism or what. And Georgie didn’t act out due to lack of attention. He had to deal with having his smarter, younger brother there constantly embarrassing him in school and he just had to suck it up, per his parents. Missy really didn’t have it as hard as she thinks. She tries so hard to have mommy and daddy issues, but they always did give her attention. Her mom clearly favored missy instead of Georgie, and was always exhausted with Sheldon’s constant complaining until he gets what he wants. George sr also always paid attention to missy, since he didn’t bond with sheldon as much. He spent hours throwing a baseball with missy, gave her attention, and tried to include her happiness. She was ungrateful, and rather blind. She just really wanted to be the girl who misbehaves because her parents don’t treat her right, but in reality that wasn’t ever the truth. She was a messed up teen girl who was just MEAN. I was a teen girl, and obviously my friends were teen girls. Mind you some had pretty bad parents, and some were moody teens. But not to the point like missy was. Missy was unbearable and a brat. I can list a few things she’s done that truly pissed me off.
-when she was bummed about not getting attention in her family so her dad took her out to red lobster due to it being “their place” and she refused to go in because she didn’t want to be seen by her friends with her dad. Many people said you can’t expect her to hold the same sentimental value that her dad has, which is true. But I had a place I’d go to with my dad and it wasn’t sentimental to me at the time, rather made me happy and excited since it was where we would go.
-when mandy was giving birth and missy was mad she had to walk home. Oh poor missy, your parents forgot you once because they needed to make sure the women birthing their grandchild was okay, and you had to walk 🥺so sad. Oh then she tried to get Mandy on her side as Mandy’s struggling with her kid and ignoring that Mandy obviously isn’t in the position to listen and talk,
-got mad at her dad for “meddling” in her love life. GIRL what was he supposed to do 😭?? A boy comes asking to ask you out and your dad tells him it’s not the best idea, yet he did it anyways. Did you want him to ignore Billy? It wasn’t really an easy decision and in the end he stayed out of it the best he coukd
-how mean she was to Sheldon. There’s nothing like siblings being mean to each other. And in the earlier seasonings they were silly harmless jokes, and missy still showed she loved Sheldon. By the end she was just mean. She told him she hated him when he was SCARED. Missy youre smoking and doing things you shoukdnt. Sheldon worries, and tends to not understand one might be mad if he tells on you. you weren’t even supposed to be doing it anyways.
-when an older boy is flirting with missy while she’s in seventh grade and her father steps in. Girl…ain’t no way you think any parent would allow an older teen or young adult to flirt with a fucking 12 year old. Then she proceeded to try and embarrass him with customers and imply he’s controlling.
such a shame, I loved her character so much. I truly can’t stand her now.

I found 2 new users joined my small discord server, I did a background check on their socials and found out we were from the same city. I asked them about it and I was surprised they were actually from my church. Turns out Last Sunday I showed my animation youtube channel to a group at church, and one of the volunteers also showed it to 2 other animators that attended church earlier. So when the twins said they were also from the same church that I usually go to, they told me that they do 3d animations on youtube, and showed me their 3d animations, they were smooth and professional looking, other members of my server were impressed. I went ahead and followed them on their socials.
The next 2 Sundays, I and the twin animators planned to meet up in church, we worshiped together, played, and talked with their other friend about our past animations. Later on from time, we used to play gartic phone with my other online friends.
One time, I asked if they can come in to my other (friends only) server if we could play gartic phone again every weekends, but before inviting them to my friends only server, previously I had always made sexual jokes and references about me in my server, and other stuff, which I forgot to clean up before them joining my friends server, they joined but then they left shortly afterwards. I asked if they accidentally saw some things I previously said in my server, they were a bit disgusted on what they just saw, and asked my age, after they said if I kept on saying those things, consequences and allegations could happen if I don't stop.
Then after a few hours, I got this random ping from their server from their admin calling me a freak, I asked the twins who is that person, and turns out they have been borrowing their accounts from time to time, but said not to worry as he won't do anything bad to me. As they said that, the admin showed next in the general channel what I have previously said in the server, which were many embarrassing thoughts that I had said to my friends online. Then he started to call me a zoophile for fucking a dog plushie, when actually my other online friend (that turns out to be my groomer) had pressured me to do so for what I didn't know could be for his sextortion. Then an animal abuser, since I joked about me throwing a stray cat to my airbnb pool, but when my other online friend threatened to expose me for it, I promised never to harm cats again anymore and will be nicer to passing by stray cats. And lastly a pedophile as for some of my friend group members are underage for discord, while I have absolutely no sexual attraction to them whatsoever.
He called me out in front of everyone warning them for what he thought I did was illegal. Next he found my irl photos and showed them publicly on the twins' server, showing who I really look like irl without my consent, and they started to body shame me, saying that I was obese, and I don't even look like my age. This went on and more people started to see him slandering me in front of everyone. To the point that he would show pictures of me, what region i Iive in, and even my full name. I tried to fight back by inviting other members from my online friend group to defend me, but they all failed to do so and left. Eventually I was banned from the twins server and they continued to slander me behind my back.
I tried asking the twins for help if they could do anything but they said to just deal with it and avoid it, but when they tried to help by talking with their admins, they just said most of the people from their server are uncomfortable with me. And said to not come back to the server anymore because of it. They didn't even demote the admin who started it all, or announce to everyone the truth that I was being attacked and slandered. They did almost nothing, they just avoided the drama and acted like it wasn't even there, only talked how their day was going. That's it, are those what true friends are?
I told my parents about what had happened and asked if we can go to the police to report the doxxing and defamation case. Several days had passed and we went to the police headquarters in my region to report it to the cybercrime team. I showed them the printed screenshots, but the police said unfortunately they couldn't do anything about it as the doxxer is abroad and what they classified in the screenshots were trash talk, and it would be best to deactivate my accounts, start up a new online profile, and block them there. I came home disappointed as nothing could be done to stop the doxxing and defamation case online, and my church friends wouldn't do much about it. So I had no choice but to live with it. The next month I have found out that they have also posted as well my information on Twitter, I panicked once again as they also made a carrd and discord server dedicated to doxxing me. So I asked my dad to call the cybercrime police again if they could do anything now that it's on Twitter, but the same thing happens and they cannot do anything about it again for the same reason. So I had to report the pages by myself hoping it would get taken down.
Several months passed and I asked for the twins facebook accounts instead to talk to them without the doxxer seeing what we talk about in dms. When I found their Facebook, I also found their parents as well, so I had also tried messaging them on Facebook messenger. But when I introduced myself that I was their church friend, they immediately blocked me before I could say anything to them. My church friend explained that they probably blocked me as their family is mostly secretive. And they usually block most of the people they don't know. So I was completely silenced from saying the truth to his parents.
From time to time I tried asking my church friend what could we do as friends, if I could visit them in their house, if we could meet up again soon since they don't go to our church anymore, if we can play on discord more. But he always said no to everything, for various reasons, saying he's too busy, his parents won't let him, etc. Then what could we do as friends if we barely talk to eachother? What he only promised to do is that he can play gartic phone in my online friend's server. That's it. Sometimes he doesn't even respond when I talk about things that aren't related to drama.
One day I added more people to the group DM with the twin animators since it's more of an online friend group nowadays since they don't go to my church that much anymore. We talked about life, and I also mentioned my mental problems which were sexual intrusive thoughts and social insecurity. And the other twin replied "yeah this is why you're being targeted for doxxing nowadays" Because of my intrusive thoughts. But I explained that my intrusive thoughts weren't about my intentional sexual thoughts, but he still said it's not an excuse to say those things. But in that case I was just saying my mental problems and NOT my sexual intentional thoughts. Unlike intentional thoughts, Intrusive thoughts are unwanted thoughts that can pop up in someone's mind and it's hard to distract away from it. But then he said that he doesn't want to hear my intrusive thoughts, he said he doesn't need an apology to him saying that "I need a therapist" or other sort of help. He just yelled at me and my online friend for being such a horrible person for what he claims I won't change for being extremely lewd, my sins won't wash off no matter how often I go to church, and other things like calling me a disgusting fool and such. Then he left and said to never contact him ever again. So I blocked him.
I tried asking the other twin why he said those things to me since I was still "friends" with him on Facebook. He just said to respect his opinions because he is probably already Disgusted at me. "Respect his opinions"? He literally yelled and insulted me as a disgusting fool, why am I supposed to respect an insult/bad comment? What horrible advice. And now today is their flight moving out of the country, so I won't be able to see them anymore.

This seems like kind of a silly problem, but I figured if anyone would understand it would be you all.
I've been interested in true crime for a long time and it makes up the majority of my entertainment (books, podcasts, shows). However, I've noticed lately that it has been triggering my PTSD and I think I need to reduce my exposure to it for a while. The problem is, I'm not sure what to replace it with. It's pretty difficult for me to find shows that I'm interested in, and true crime seems to have the balance of being both fairly predictable in terms of format, but varied enough with the content to keep my attention. I have a strong anxiety reaction when I actually finish a show because the process of finding a new one is so frustrating.
I'm mainly looking at shows right now because I like to watch something while I crochet. Does anyone have ideas about a genre or type of show that might have a similar format? I generally don't like shows with a typical narrative arc. I like some game shows and documentaries, but usually not a fan of romance, sitcoms, dramas, etc. Some fantasy/sci-fi is ok but my preferences are really variable.
Thanks for any insights or suggestions.

Several women in this group have blocked me on Facebook for contacting them privately. You know......the irony is that whenever I contact my fellow men from this group I am generally met with an enthusiastic response. I wonder why that is....
I could use my status within this group to humiliate all of you. But I'm a gentleman and the torment it would put you through does not comply with my ethics. You skanks know who you are, and if you're even capable of reading this, here were my true intentions. Hopefully you'll come around to changing your mind about me (if you're not a complete idiot that is).
First off, yes I'll admit I find some of you pretty attractive. I am a normal, healthy, biological male. Of course I'm attracted to women, and that should be seen as a compliment. That does not automatically mean my intentions were to sleep with you. I don't understand how the words 'Hi, how are you?' gets translated into 'Hi, do you have a boyfriend?' When we started having a conversation in one of the threads did I precede my comment with 'Hi, sorry I'm already attracted to someone else' Sure, maybe some day after getting to know each other a bit more, an infatuation might develop and we could start dating. But women these days seem to think that hetero men are incapable of having a platonic relationship with the other sex. To the girl who showed her dad my message and made him call the cops: Do you have any idea just how ironic that is? I was trying to explain to you how Atwood's 'The Handmaid's Tale' has been severely misinterpreted by third wave feminists. And then you convinced a man to apply authoritarian powers on me, merely for the fact that I am a male. It turns out that men can also be oppressed in society, as was Atwood's intended message of her novel.
To the girl who called me an 'Incel' for trying to discuss Nabokov's magnum opus 'Lolita.' Your lame feminist buzzwords have no bearing on my mental health. Do you really think I like it based solely around the hebophilia? I would encourage you to read it , as the prose is magnificent. But judging by your less than impressive vocabulary, I doubt you would be able to understand it.
To the girl who called me a loser and said I was trying to show off because I said you should read Tolstoy's epic 'War and Peace': I wasn't aware that reading something was suddenly a huge achievement. The fact that I wanted you to read it meant that I believed you were the rare type of woman who could endure such a lengthy piece of literature. The irony is that later in another thread I saw you talking about how you read all the Harry Potter books before you turned 12. It's plainly obvious to see that you view the arts in the most superficial way possible. There's no way I would ever date someone like that.

I’ve heard multiple people make jokes that the R.R. in George Martin’s name is Rail Road. I believe heard it from some podcasters in the mid 2010s. It also was mentioned in Family Guy’s spoof episode of the show. Does anybody know the true origin of this joke?

Eros was incredibly cautious at everything around him , strange cars, strange city , strange creatures…strange everything. “This was a mistake “ Eros grabbed his phone dialing a number . “What are you doing? “ Aphrodite turned around. “Getting Psyche just in case things go south “ Eros explained. Bizco laid on his stomach holding a miniature picture of some woman . Aphrodite went to get a closer look watching his bandaged tail flicker back and forth . Bizco's still clearly injured as shown from his blood stained bandages . Aphrodite has never seen a creature like him before, especially with a gemstone. Bizco has 2 sets of ears making it four in total . The huge black cat ears on the top of his head that relaxed . The tail wagged back , forth ,Side to side and other directions. Bizco's exposed torn body revealed that he had thick hair on his arms , legs and torso . His crossed eyes are fixated on the picture of a woman. He rubbed it a few times then his hands in the form of a “tic”. In the human world one would just assume the feline and the witch are contenders for a consumer contest . However, Catman made the most realistic cosplayers look like children's Halloween costumes. What piqued Aphrodite's interest the most was Bizco gemstone right in the center of his back. She tapped on Bizco's tail to catch his attention but he was looking at the photo of his beloved . He really wasn't interested in anything else at the moment. She reached over lightly touching the gemstone. Bizco stretched his entire body in a cat-like pose before turning his attention towards Aphrodite.
“Oh I'm sorry …” Aphrodite apologized “I just wanted to know if the gem was real or not..yet I noticed before I even touched It you dodged “. “ Oh…that ..” Bizco tore more of his velvet revealing more of his back. “It's so pretty…” Aphrodite smiled , “Gracias Senorita ! I was born with it “ Bizco turned around . “Ah ..” Aphrodite touched his humanoid ears before brushing up to the large cat ones . “Pur…” Bizco gave a light blush . Aphrodite trailed her fingers down his goatee in which Bizco slapped her hand away with his tail . He showed her the photo of a beautiful woman that made even Aphrodite herself blush. “Tengo una novia…” He nodded. “Oh sorry ..I thought .,I thought you were flirting when you called me Senorita. “ Aphrodite covered her face in embarrassment “ You were just cute in your cat form “. “Jaja siempre fui un encanto cuando se trata de mujeres .. sin embargo, mi corazón late por otro” Bizco closed his locket" .
“Hey, what is he saying? Is he talking about me and how beautiful I am ? Or trying to hold us for ransom ? '' Eros got behind Aphrodite . “Shouldn't you be calling Psyche? “ Aphrodite looked at him . “She refuses to answer, “ Eros shook his head . “¿Hablas español ? “ Bizco asked . “ What is Lord Farquaad with a lisp saying about me ? “ Eros furrowed a brow. Bizco growled at Eros before turning his back away from them . “ He wasn't talking about you Eros he was wondering if you can speak Spanish specifically “ Aphrodite pointed out . “ Oh …no, not a single drop of it ..” Eros admitted. “ Wait, you told me you knew Spanish! “ Aphrodite face palmed . “No I said I took it In high-school and failed the class I thought YOU knew just a little bit to get by ?. I mean ..I know enough to impress my Greek and English speaking friends ..I studied basic Spanish “ Aphrodite admitted. Bizco and Eugenia looked at each other, the witch being the first to speak . “ Honey, this is the heart of Madrid. Speaking basic Spanish is only going to get you a cup of coffee . Also, don't call our language a Lisp unless you want to be beaten on the street okay pretty boy ? “ Eugenia's wand glowed. Eros ignored her frantically texting on his phone . “Sorry about my friend here ..he is kinda a prick sometimes but he is a great friend..that is going to apologize to you ” Aphrodite elbowed Eros .“ Aphrodite don't you see what's going on !? They are trying to kidnap and scam us ! Like how did that dwarf shapeshifter heal enough to still be conscious? What does that lady driver want with us ? It's very suspicious, “ Eros pointed out. “¿Qué clase de idiotas van a un país de habla hispana y se escandalizan cuando hablamos español? “ Eugenia asked .” Tengo sentimientos encontrados acerca de este “ Bizco tapped his chin. “Bueno, es demasiado tarde para dar marcha atrás, así que dejemos que el río corra, pero si las cosas van mal, es tu culpa” Eugenia reassured him . Bizco frowned at her for that comment. “Yes I've been kidnapped by Spanish demons ! “ Eros shouted through the phone “No this isn't a pran-”
beep beep beep beeepp
“ I think we got off on the wrong foot..let's start over “ Bizco twirled Eros phone . He bowed down to both of them . “ My name is Don Juan Martín Martín but you can call me Bizco! I'm a shape-shifting dwarf and Jester of the king Carlos II de España ! I like meat and fish and riding horses I am ….” Bizco paused for a moment then turned his head around like an Owl. “ Eugenia Martínez Vallejo ..how old am I? “ Bizco asked . “ I don't know ? You're the one who was an adult holding baby Carlos “ Eugenia shrugged. “Okay but was I 8ft or 4ft 6 ?” The dwarf was confused , ‘ I wasn't born yet Bizco..”Eugenia facepalm. “Wait hold on “ Aphrodite raised her hand “You mentioned being a Jester to a king right ? “ .
“Not just any King, more specifically Carlos II de España , He is a “ Bizco suddenly felt his cheeks get squished “I'm meeting a king ! ? What is he like ? Is he attractive! Is this one of those romance novels where I find the man of my dreams !” Aphrodite asked , “I haven't seen him without a mask in a long time ..” Bizco admitted . “Aphrodite..Aphrodite..Aphrodite “ Eros whispered in her ear “I can't tell if this Buffoon is a really good con man or a crazy person who escaped the circus but let's pretend we agree with them and run for our lives “ .” I hear you and I'm not a liar nor crazy. I really do work for the king ! “ Bizco kept telling them . “Yeah sure and I'm the God of love ! “ Eros rolled his eyes . “What's it like working for a king ? “ Aphrodite wanted to know. “Well it's hard to describe but trust me your visit will be fun “ Bizco gave a smile despite his crooked fangs . “Listen Bizco! You may be able to fool my innocent friend but I am not buying whatever you are selling ! “ Eros spat out. “ Eros stop being mean ! “ Aphrodite hugged Bizco. “ Aphrodite, please think about it. What are the chances that some random Jester is just going to show up to allow us to see some king we have never heard of ? “ Eros crossed his arms . “Well that is true ..but in Valhalla anything is possible “ Aphrodite shrugged. “ I swear the sweetness of your heart could give me diabetes” Eros made his eyes innocent like “However…I wasn't born this morning ! Let's face it ! There is no easier bunny, there is no tooth fairy and there is no King of España… “
“And we're here..”
Eugenia stopped the Limousine right in front of the giant palace . She opened the door letting Bizco, Aphrodite and Eros out . The sheer size of the palace made his heart drop for a moment. His once confident face turned sheet white his purple eyes showing little signs of life . “Holy shit ! “ Aphrodite eyes sparkled “What is this place !? “. “ The Royal Alcázar of Madrid “ Eugenia answered. Both Greeks stood next to each other , “ Is the place that scary looking ? “ Bizco wondered . “Well since you and your big mouth kept talking about Madrid maybe you should go first pretty boy ! “ Eugenia suggested . “Me ???? Really I am a big fan of …Carrie is that ? “ Eros shivered “I think Aphrodite should go first “ . “Nonono Eros you always went first since we were kids, let's continue the tradition “ Aphrodite shoved him. “Some traditions need to be broken ..besides I thought you wanted to meet your king ! “ Eros pushed Aphrodite in front of him . This went on for another 10 minutes until Aphrodite had the courage to knock on the door covered in a fiery dragon . The door slightly opened revealing a demon with a long horn over his eyebrow and downward pointed ears. “What am I looking at ? “ Fernando de Valenzuela spoke up . “I was going to ask the same thing ..” Eris looked at him . “This is Carlos' play date, Aphrodite! “ Eugenia told him . “He needs to look for a wife, and noticed some cheap thrill “ Fern scoffed . He then sniffed the air making him scoff even more . “ Un humano, ¿es esto una broma? “ Fern looked at Bizco and Eugenia “ Si Carlos hubiera querido una puta, habríamos pedido una” . “¡Vaya, nos encanta escuchar a un idiota! ¿Cómo te soporta tu esposa?” Bizco sided with Aphrodite. “ al menos mi esposa no me la chupa en el armario a diferencia de esa zorra de la tienda de un dólar a la que llamas novia “ Fern shouted. Bizco took a deep breath his gem glowing a bright white color white smoke came out of his mouth .
“Morir”

your series on the Sahaba brought me away from Islam. I was sincerely trying to get close to Islam and Allah this Ramadan, putting away my reservations and looking for some feeling of connection with Allah and meaning in life, was attending taraweh and reading Quran translation and doing tajweed classes and fasting. I picked those videos on the Sahaba cause i thought it was an interesting topic to learn about while I was working. The mental gymnastics he uses to explain the lack of righteousness in the Rashidun Khalifa and the corruptness of the Ummah that was meant to have been full of true believers (not all of course but figures like Muawiyah made me hella sympathetic to the shia, whom i previously thought were baseless and insane). The fact that he fully admits that no matter what evidence he sees or questions he has, his faith in Allah and the Prophet will allow him to rationalize literally everything and anything you throw at him, shows me the incompatibility between at the very least logic and Islam and Islamic history.
and for Quranists/those who reject Hadith, you guys are theologically wrong. And I don't see a ton of beauty in the Quran alone (occasional verses have some poetry, like "fear the fire who's fuel is men and stones"), and especially some verses without the context that you reject, the Quran alone /without hadith is contradictory and violent.

I'm an irredeemable monster who deserves nothing but suffering and a slow painful death.
I've posted this before but my previous account was shadowbanned.
I truly don't know what to do anymore, I'm completely lost.
I'm a 20 year old male with autism and possible OCD.
There are many things I want to talk about so this is going to be really long and unorganised.
From age 18 up until last year, I viewed and masturbated to CP, and the way I went about getting hold of it is equally bad, if not worse. I cannot express in words the shame and remorse I feel for this.
I know most of you hate me now and I don't blame you, and I guarantee you I hate myself more for it.
The most confusing part about it is I don't find children attractive, there's no groinal response, urges, desires, arousal, nothing. I don't even take a second glance or stare, the only thing I have is intrusive thoughts. Recently I was sat in the corner of a crowded bus, and since there was nowhere else to sit, three boys, none of which could have been older than 13 sat by me, one next to me, and the other two across from me, to which I felt nothing of that nature whatsoever.
I'm sexually attracted to males 20 and over, and I'm romantically and sexually attracted to females 20 and over, I wouldn't even date an 18 or 19 year old.
My instincts when I've been around children in recent times is purely parental and protective.
I'd never hurt a child, especially in that way, I'd slit my wrists or set myself on fire before I did that, I might just slit my wrists anyway.
I'd run into a burning building, I'd run out onto a busy road, I'd give my life to save a child's life.
I don't go out of my way to be around children, I find them for the most part irritating, I don't hate them though. Throughout my entire life I preferred the company of adults. I even live across from a playground ffs.
I'm scarred for life by some of the things I saw in those images and videos, how the hell could someone do something like that?! I want to climb through the screen and protect those kids, give them a hug and let them know nothing can hurt them anymore.
I stumbled across an image hosting site when I was 16 whilst trying to find material involving my peers again, and the site hosted lots of cropped images of teens on webcams and older kids on webcams (it was obvious what they were doing), and on the page for the accounts, it usually displayed an email where stuff could be traded, but I didn't pursue that until 2 years later.
I went about acquiring it through sending old images and videos of myself, and in a lot worse way as well.
Starting from 14 up until last year, I very occasionally placed my phone in the bathroom and filmed my friends urinating, this happened definitely less than ten times, and most of them I deleted from everywhere, but I kept one and a screenshot of a few others, I started posting these images, as well as my own nudes, on an old reddit account which was deleted not long after, I made sure to hide their identities while doing this, I enjoyed the attention and compliments I would get, and I loved bigging up my friends and seeing them get compliments.
Then I used this content to acquire the bad stuff years later, including the stuff of me.
I had an Idea that this was considered wrong but I didn't understand how it could have been harmful.
This happened to less than 5 friends, all the content I had I have long since deleted and wiped any access to, and I have no intention to do this again, but the main issue is the fact that copies could have been made of it, and I accidentally sent the uncropped video once. There's the possibility none of this stuff is out there, but it's still vile and repulsive.
One of them was my closest friend, who I had known basically all my life, I broke down to him and told him what I had done and what I believe does me to this awful, reprehensible place, and you know what he did? He told me he forgave me and that some video possibly being out there doesn't phase him and his life isn't ruined at all and it will go on either way.
But he understandably said we can't see each other anymore, that he still loves me, believes I'm a good person and wants me to live a good life and make the world a better place, which was a dream of ours.
It's extra difficult because we were so close, we had experienced so much together, held all the same interests and beliefs, and I loved him only like family could, so the fact I committed this vile act of betrayal rids me with so much shame, and deservedly so. In a way I find it harder to get through because I didn't understand the true consequences of my actions and how this could have affected him and others, it would be less confusing and easier to accept I'm just the lowest form of humanity that way.
The other two friends I stopped communicating with, I wiped the account, wiped the content from all areas they were stored on, deleted what they were stored on, everything, and there is a possibility it's not out their at all.
I displayed other problematic behaviours from a young age, all to do with boundary issues, I sometimes used to touch my friends when I was 12 but never their actual genitals, and I used to jokingly show my erection to people as well.
The only constant that I knew for certain is wrong is genuine rape and molestation, which is a line I know for certain I could never cross, and never will.
From a very young age (around 3 or 4) my mother would do very inappropriate party tricks around me with her friends late at night when they were drinking, her friends would call me sexy, and as I got older and hit puberty, she started making comments about my bulge and other things despite the fact I hated it and told her so.
When I was 7 I was groomed and molested by an 8 year old boy, I wanted him to help me pass a level on my DS game and he said he'll do it if I have sex with him, me being 7 I didn't understand what that was and with him being older I complied. We were naked during this, he fondled my genitals and got me to do the same to him, he inserted his fingers into my anus as well.
When I was 10, two of my close friends groomed me, they simulated blowjobs on each other and got me to do the same to them.
When I was 11, my 12 year old friend groomed and molested me despite me protesting, he got me to get in my bed with him and he rubbed up against me. Earlier that day he also got me to sit in his lap whilst cuddling me from behind, we were wearing underwear.
When I was 13, that same friend when he was nearly 14 and another friend who was already 14 groomed and molested me in my pool again, I had an erection in the pool and jokingly showed one of them it, and it escalated from there. They both got naked and got me to do so, I protested but eventually gave in to the pressure, they also showed each other their genitals and got me to do the same, later that boy got me to sit in his lap again whilst the older boy rubbed up against me.
There was also just the normal experimenting stuff, one of my friends used to show me his erections and I would do the same.
All of my friends were going through puberty and their bodies were changing and so was mine, which I found incredibly fascinating and arousing, and I had seen most of my friends genitals and some other students genitals throughout growing up, so me being young and autistic, I became very curious.
Kids before finishing Elementary/Primary School were swearing and talking about sex, then as I got older (11) kids were drinking, smoking, doing drugs, talking about masturbation habits and apparently having genuine sex. Then by the time I was 13, there was a lot of students taking nudes, nudes being spread around school and nudes being leaked (including mine, which distressed me for a few days, but only because people knew they were mine, if they were spread around but they didn't know it was me, I wouldn't have cared), kids with condoms and other stuff etc.
I started watching non-pornographic sexual content online (sex scenes from movies, TV shows, games etc) at age 9 which I would genuinely get an erection from watching.
At age 10 I hit puberty (testicles largened) and I started masturbating to non pornographic stuff. Including videos of animals mating. I also tried to find stuff involving my peers and found a fake video of stuff suggestive of that.
At 11 I started to grow pubic hair and had my first ejaculations, as well as discover porn, there was also an image I masturbated to which depicted a boy of my age giving oral to a man, and I had my first crush which was on a 12 year old boy who was another friend, who I would masturbate to. This crush lasted a number of years, but he was straight so it couldn't go anywhere. This was also the age I started taking nudes and videos of me masturbating.
At 12 I started to grow underarm har and facial hair began to appear on my upper lip, I was watching porn very heavily at this point.
At 13 my voice had broken and I was nearly my full adult height, this was also the age I first masturbated to a non-sexual nude image of a child. As well as videos of stuff like naturism and videos of circumcision (I don't have a pain or gore fetish, I would just blank it out and focus on the genitals.)
By 14 I was my full adult height, I had adult sized ejacualtions and my penis had fully grown. And that is when I started posting my nudes online. To which I would have sexual conversations with adults, not knowing I was setting myself up to be groomed and have something normalised in my head which shouldn't be.
By 15 I was growing facial hair, as well as chest and abdominal hair. And I found a shotacon involving a boy my age having sex with an adult woman, and I would pretend to be him.
At 17, a 19 year old flirted with me and got me into sending nudes to him, and he did the same, which I didn't see as bad and despite it being technically illegal, I still don't.
I also did the same when I was 19 with a 17 year old stranger online, but they were very willing and I didn't pressure them, no personal info was shared between us.
I also messaged a 15 and 14 year old at some point but stopped myself from letting it go any further. And cut them off before anything could be shared, or any messages could be exchanged for that matter.
And when I started watching the bad shit, it was mostly teens on webcams that I watched, I was lured into thinking that this content isn't kids being assaulted or anything (which it is) and due to my experiences and autism twisting my view, I thought kids were enjoying it (which they weren't) since I thought I would have had enjoyed it at that age (which I wouldn't have), it wasn't until I saw unmistakable suffering which is when I stopped and vowed to never go there again. It was mostly stuff involving boys, the stuff involving girls I just found too revolting. I wanted to relive those experiences, go back to a time I was happier. It felt safe and comforting. It was relatable.
All of these experiencs warped my views and understanding of things, desensitised me and made me believe things were ok that weren't and that kids aren't as innocent as they are seen to be (which they are). I have never commited rape or an act of molestation and never will, these are acts I've always seen as vile and disgusting.
I've suffered with mental health issues for a long time as well.
I've struggled with feelings of self-hatred and worthlessness since around 9 or 10.
I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at 13, I've been self harming and suicidal since I was 14, I've also been attempting suicide since 15.
I've always felt like the odd one out, I always felt like I was the worst at everything, I was the one who was left out of games at school, the one who was always picked last in sports.
I was bullied a lot growing up, by students and occasionally teachers alike, and even my boss at my first job.
My mother is a heavy drinker, narcissistic and has been emotionally and occasionally physically abusive to me since I was 14 (telling me she hates me and that everyone else hates me, tells me how horrible I am, tells me that I should kill myself and do everyone a favour, threatened to stab me in my sleep, hit me on the occasion, bit me, threw things at me, including heavy things and glass, strangled me). There was also manipulation tactics like gaslighting, she alienated me from others by telling her friends and family how awful I was. Pushed me into meltdowns and got me to lash out, to which she called the police and got me arrested and made me look like the bad one on multiple occasions.
She was the only one I ever felt loved by unconditionally growing up, and now I don't even feel that from her.
My father was a drug addict who died when I was 14, I saw him less than ten times my whole life, he grew drugs in my room when I was an infant, my most distinct memory is him coming to my house very late one night when I was around 9 or 10 talking about demons and bad spirits.
Addiction runs in my family (my father's father is an equally heavy drinker, his mother is a drug addict who ran a brothel), so the addictive tendencies have been past down to me.
I probably was addicted to porn by 13, and had been feeding it for years without knowing it.
My adopted grandfather died when I was 4, and my adopted grandmother (which I lived with from birth) who was my guiding light, died less than a week before my dad did.
The only father figure I really had (who was an alcoholic but otherwise very good with me) was my mother's partner who she met when I was 6, and he died when I was 8.
I was also very close to my mother's best friend, who had been more of a mother to me than my actual one had been some time died when I was 17.
My mother had an abusive ex who stalked her and threatened to set fire to the house, who also left ranting letters and stood in the back garden at night, so we lived in fear of stuff like that for over a year from when I was 12 through 13.
She also had an abusive lodger who was an even heavier drinker than she is, so from when I was 14 through 16 I witnessed them physically fight, both get arrested and on a few occasions I had to defend her from him, and he raped her without me knowing.
Many of my friends have betrayed me over the years (I know I'm one to talk) but when this started to happen I would have never dreamed of betraying anyone, personal stuff was shared about me which I trusted them with, there was a lot of bad talking about me without me knowing. My toe closest friend turned on me at age 12 and isolated me from my other friends, I blamed myself at the time which I why I moved schools at 13 since I thought I was just making everyone miserable.
I didn't get diagnosed with autism until I was 19 despite trying to get it since I was 12, it hurt knowing I had been paying my whole life for being different, feeling ashamed of who I am (and rightly so now really), wondering why what I said was offensive, why I didn't understandfulky why this was wrong, why I was so sensitive to jokes, why I took e everyhing literally, why I made impulsive and reckless decisions without understanding the consequences of them.
I was never considered attractive and was ridiculed for it (girls used to jokingly flirt with me to torment me at school). I'm 5'6, always have struggled with weight, hairline started receding at 16, eczema so my skin is always red, dry and flaky, really bad diastema and acid reflux which means it's really hard to make my breath smell nice and my teeth are very worn because of it. I have had sex with someone who was older than me and we were both consenting adults, and we were both very respectful of boundaries.
I was also desensitised to other things like gore and violence, I played a lot of violent video games when I was a kid, my mother is really into controversial shock movies (she got me to watch Cannibal Holocaust with her when I was 11).
The worst part about all of this is the fact all my friends who I love would hate me if they knew about what I've done, so none of them would trust me anymore or respect me, which is what friendships are all about right? So in a way they feel strange, they feel fake.
I can never find a relationship or true love because nobody wants to date a serial sex offender.
I hate knowing the fact I'm a sex offender, it's eating me alive.
I'm not registered and there is no real proof of what I did, so I can't turn myself in or anything.
I want to do good in the world, I have so much love to give, but it feels wrong me helping people because it feels like there is a sinister undertone to everything I do.
I've always enjoyed being charitable, I love giving money to the homeless or putting change in a donations box.
I feel guilty whenever I feel happy since I don't deserve to be, the only things that I enjoy now are food and playing video games, it's the only joy I get out of day to day life.
The only fate I deserve is being stabbed to death in prison or something.
All I want is to be loved and accepted despite my flaws and mistakes, but I never could be.
The only other person I've told is my mother, who has been supportive.
I've been on antidepressants since 18 and I've begun therapy, but I'm not hoping or expecting anything good will happen from this. I've been in and out of therapy since I was 11.
I had dreams, I had aspirations, I wanted to change the world for the better, I wanted to have a son, not to hurt him, but so he doesn't end up like me, but I reliase that is not possible. I don't deserve to be around children.
I started missing my childhood and wanting to go back at around 13, all I wanted was to relive memories. I was scared of growing up.
I hate keeping secrets, but I have no choice but to keep this one.
I want to identify with good people, but I can't.
Every good thing I do is invalidated now.
I forgive everyone who has wronged me in anyway, since I'm worse than them.
I just pray I can go out doing good, doing the right thing.
I am no better than Jimmy Saville, Richard Huckle, Ian Watkins or any of them types of people.
If you want to motivate me to end it all, feel free.
If you have read through all of this, thank you.

I followed instructions from the GitHub Nickelclick install with no luck. Despite downloading and extracting what I thought was most recent version the extracted file never causes my Kobo to reboot nor is there a file in the .adds directory. Instead the standalone extracted file is showing up as its true file name. I deleted that from the Kobo and wanted to ask for help before I try again.