Trichotillomania and cancer

I feel like this thread’s a long time coming.
Right:

1. Confirmed buff/expert, leading one at that, when it comes to the pharmacokinetics of MAOIs and how to attenuate whatever tyramine reactions are actually a real, genuine risk.
   
2. He’s of a good overall school. Not necessarily old-school (that’s not what esteeming tricyclics and MAOIs over SSRIs is about; it’s just the truth). He knows what he’s on about when it comes to pointing out the flaws of big pharma.
   
3. He’s just down with it in-general. If anyone can revolutionise MAOI awareness on a grander scale, it’s him. And so far he’s actually succeeded, in a small way. Haven’t got qualms donating to Psychotropical when it’s feasible.
   
4. He’d be totally down for an MDMA trip. Take him to a psychotropical OG’s club pronto and get him on the dance-floor.
   
5. He takes no bullshit from database-bound pharmacists (this isn’t all or even the majority of pharmacists, but it’s a lot) who like to shit on older drugs like MAOIs because they’re either more side-effect prone or fraught with misguided worry about hypertensive crises. A newer drug that doesn’t work as well as an older one but happens to be better-tolerated is not an advance. It’s just less inherently side-effect heavy, and a lot of side-effects can be treated directly so that argument’s kind of moot anyway. Seeing life-saving drugs as antiquated because of those misplaced/over-stated fears is a big problem with modern psychiatry. People who know enough about drugs like MAOIs are usually perfectly capable of advocating for themselves and challenging misguided views and gaslighting that comes with it, and that should be encouraged. Sometimes you’ve got to be your own best advocate, especially if you’ve got to go through people who only have a very limited at-best knowledge and understanding of the thing. Someone who asks to be put on phenelzine, chances are, knows a lot more about MAOIs than your average GP but as long as they’re being seen in primary care or have a pharmacist who’s shit-scared of dispensing drugs like that, they’re not going to get what they need, and shit like that holds people back. It can take a while to get seen by someone who’s competent or experienced enough to give it the green light and that’s among actual psychiatrists. With a GP whose extent at treating depression ends at citalopram to help with a tough break-up and hasn’t even heard of fluvoxamine, you’ve got almost no chance. It’s natural to be uncomfortable with the unfamiliar but that represents a fundamental flaw in the way medical students and non-specialists are trained (i.e., to think of MAOIs as dangerous and all the rest of it), and that’s something that Ken Gillman has desperately tried to fight against. For amitriptyline to be the strongest antidepressant you’ve prescribed when you can help people with different conditions more just isn’t good enough, but like I say GPs aren’t trained to really go beyond that, and some of them won’t even get past sertraline. It’s ridiculous, and a bad reflection on medicine in general. “SSRIs are just as effective and super-safe and MAOIs are bad, old and dangerous” is not the kind of guff they should be teaching you.
   

In practice a lot of arguments happen between doctors/clients and pharmacists who really don’t know what they’re talking about or know much about the conditions of pharmacology behind these drugs. If it needs to happen, it needs to happen. You do want to be civil at all times but the reality of it is that the people who in many fundamental ways know the least (pharmacists and GPs, especially the younger ones) have very unwarranted god-complexes and someone has to check them. When Ken Gillman does it it’s coming from a place of undeniable and irrefutable overall experience, whatever subconscious biases he has in other areas of psychopharmacology. When it comes to the most important stuff, he’s worth listening to at every word and breath. The same pharmacists who get M.A.R. sheets wrong all the time have obvious limitations, even-’though they’re exactly the sort of people who should be getting it 100% right and not thinking that desipramine + tranylcypromine is contra-indicated. Some pharmacists don’t even know the potency of clomipramine. They just know it as an “old tricyclic” that’s probably inferior to amitriptyline for most people (despite the fact that amitriptyline; heck, despite aspirin and paracetamol/acetaminophen, even; is/are “older”, like that’s supposed to have any relevance to anything whatsoever). They can be bad for just repeating the “old is bad” big pharma., despite how contradictory and senseless it is. And at the end of the day someone’s got to stand up and challenge those idiots.
As a side-note, amitriptyline happens to be the tricyclic that modern psychiatry and indeed primary care prefer. Amitriptyline’s one hell of a drug and a pretty good one so it’s good that it’s still as commonly used as muck (in the U.K. at least, it’s probably prescribed more than quite a few SSRIs, by GPs and specialists alike) but clomipramine and drugs like that are sometimes just relegated to antiquate textbooks and cases of OCD, because so many people just don’t know enough about it. People pick and choose what parts of nuclear pharma. they want to adopt in this modern age and which they want to supersede with SSRI after bland atypical. Quetiapine has its place but not as a front-and-centre treatment for depression of any kind (most-probably). Seroquel and Cyprexa are hot brands and that influences their rate of prescription. Not good or based on actual medical science.

1. He advocates for proper doses of phenelzine when he does talk about it. Outside of a few specific indications (panic disorder for one), more people than not (including people with a primary depression no-less) benefit from the 60-90 mg ballpark, not 30-45. Yet in the U.K. especially (where things are often not dosed high enough or titrated quickly enough), some people take low doses because their doctor was very hesitant about prescribing an MAOI in the first place but considered it a last option. I’d say 60 mg is the minimum dose for depression period.
   
2. He’s candid about the truth of how SSRIs got to be branded as antidepressants when they’re pretty weak in that regard. “If we call them anxiolytics, people are going to equate them with benzos and think they’re addictive.” Spot on. SSRIs are NOT real antidepressants, or only barely. They have good individual uses and stretch to mild to mildly moderate depression in terms of broad efficacy but they’re not antidepressants as-such. I’ve never seen them as such and Gillman’s validated the suspicions I already had. And if there’s one thing that man knows, it is history.
   

Paroxetine and fluvoxamine are very unique drugs and drugs of immense value (as underrated as the latter is) but as a conglomerate they’re better thought of for their individual purposes beyond the treatment of mild to moderate depression. The more severe the depression, the less likely it is to respond to SSRIs alone, as a rule of thumb. The only reason they’re prescribed more now at the primary first-line point of line at least (for people who aren’t too severely depressed) is because they come with less inherent risks in terms of side-effects and overdose. Not because they represent a true therapeutic advance over old drugs (unlike antipsychotics, although chlorpromazine, haloperidol and fluphenazine have multiple uses and even as antipsychotics will always have a place). Young professionals without the checking and discerning understanding or experience are often taught to believe that old (amitriptyline excepted) is bad and antiquated and new is good but that’s big pharma. talking and it’s bull. Absolute bull. No-doubt many-a pharmacist have fallen for … big pharma. If it was down to me all this nonsense would be a sackable offence.
As far as SSRIs go, fluvoxamine’s incredibly underrated (not just because it’s very anti-inflammatory) and sertraline incredibly overrated. I’ve said it once and I’ve said it again, fluvoxamine’s more likely to treat (to a point) cancer, IBS and pulmonary fibrosis (besides Covid-19, which a lot of people have come to know over the past 4 years) whereas sertraline’s more likely to induce things like that or at least make them a bit worse. That (and the fact that fluvoxamine’s often unfairly dismissed and swept under the rug) absolutely needs to be talked about.
Likewise, tricyclics and MAOIs might have more toxic side-effects but they also have more neuro-protective, anti-cancerous effects than SSRIs. One day maprotiline might end up being used for melanoma and I support that.
Wrong:

1. Puts too much stock in the raw potency of drugs across generic neurotransmittial lines rather than seeing medications for what they are overall and the importance of them being optimised towards any one patient. Fluoxetine falls short of phenelzine and imipramine in the treatment of atypical depression (for example), but it is a viable treatment, and it’s also good for bulimia, possibly depersonalisation (likewise with clomipramine and clonazepam), body dysmorphia (like clomipramine) and just other disorders in general. And it gets on like a house on fire with olanzapine for serious depression. Prozac is a bit more than just a brand.

All antidepressants (except the most generic shit, like sertraline), including the mirtazapine he hates, have distinct and unique properties that make them good for particular conditions. He’s so concerned with overall potency across several lines with antidepressants for depression specifically that he overlooks the distinct-profile indications for these drugs beyond that. That and dopamine being one of his favourite neurotransmitters means that he over-values certain SSRIs (like sertraline) and devalues the likes of fluvoxamine (distinctly good for OCD, general anti-inflammation, certain elements of autism/Asperger’s in adults, the interpersonally mediated/cued mood swangs of B.P.D., kleptomania, and just so many other things; very-much not a generic drug, drug-drug interactions aside, unlike shitty-arse sertraline) and fluoxetine. Yes, the Prozac era is full of reductionism and capitalistic marring but antidepressants, even such conglomerate-grouped ones as SSRIs, are different and treat other things besides depression (and he admits this with tricyclics). Your ideal Gillman candidate (the type who may respond preferentially to Parnate/tranylcypromine) is a psychomotorically-retarded kind of depressed patient. If they have somehow manage to have ADHD on top of that (another condition which tranylcypromine treats), even better. But what about atypical depression, bulimia, PTSD, migraines and all those other phenotypes/conditions which respond better to phenelzine? Who did he treat in active practice besides depressive people?

1. I know he’s far from racist and means no cultural insensitivity but his framing of certain things (e.g., “civilised countries do this”) comes across as questionable. Fair enough he doesn’t mean it like that but when it comes to phrasing things like that, he can do better.
   
2. Denying the antidepressant effect of doxepin. It might be more of a skin-protecting anti-histamine at lower doses but its antidepressant effects do come into the foreground more from 150 mg on. Some people can take Herculean doses (up to 600 mg) and get on well with it without too many heavy side-effects. Doxepin doesn’t seem to be a drug he’s particularly interested in but regardless, he should know (or at least admit) that it’s more than just a potent antihistamine.
   
3. Some people might get away with 1mg of clomipramine per day as a product of Ikea tablet-splitting equipment (I mean, some people would just go in for meatballs and furniture, but you do you) but come on. In the one end is cataplexy and maybe certain cases of depression that can respond well to as little as 10 mg but on the other end of the spectrum is people with OCD and trichotillomania who probably won’t feel anything until 150-200 mg, and some people need as high as 300 mg. Ken Gillman says clomipramine is routinely overdosed and it might be the case with depression (at least certain forms of it) but many people absolutely do benefit from much higher doses and might need to be at that end of the dosage-scale before it actually starts to work. The lower optimal bar for clomipramine for a lot of conditions and even on the average overall I’d still say is about 150 mg. Again, most of his experience is drawn from treating depression, which is far from the only reason clomipramine’s prescribed. Tricyclic antidepressants are much more than SNRIs anyway and clomipramine fulfilling that purpose doesn’t mean it’s exactly on par with venlafaxine across the board. There are certain things (social anxiety, hot flashes, etc.) venlafaxine’s known to treat that clomipramine isn’t. Very different drugs, even if clomipramine might be rightly considered/thought of as a more rounded/true SNRI per-se. Either way, I don’t like the way Ken Gillman strongly advocates for overly low doses of clomipramine. Maybe for panic attacks and especially cataplexy it’s not too bad but for things relating to OCD especially, 10-80 mg just isn’t enough or anywhere near it. The optimal for a lot of people is always going to be 150 - 250 mg and that shouldn’t be overlooked. Like with doxepin and amitriptyline (and depending on what it’s for), some people really only do need small doses but some people need much higher. The anecdotal evidence for hyperacusis (another condition that it seems like clomipramine as of at least some use in, at least certain subtypes) is that they need higher doses as well (over 150 mg). Again, either way, 250’s an appropriate upper cap for whatever you’re taking it for if you need that much for it to work properly. If you need it, you need it. Just-because some people get a good response to low-dose clomipramine doesn’t mean it’s right for everyone or that clomipramine’s inherently over-dosed.
   

4 (or three-and-a-half): pretty-much anything antidepressant, whether it’s particularly strong or not, can treat psychotic depression (which is just an extension of general depression and doesn’t necessarily represent this distinct diagnosis) if it’s used at a decent enough dose. Paroxetine, mirtazapine and even a good fluoxetine + olanzapine combination can do that. It’s not unique to MAOIs/his beloved tranylcypromine. It’s common practice (especially in this Seroquel era) to prescribe an antipsychotic alongside the antidepressant until the psychotic part of the depression dissolves but like I say any antidepressant on its own can do the trick. Maybe-especially antidepressants that have certain antipsychotic properties in-built into their mechanistic way of being (clomipramine, fluvoxamine, trimipramine, amoxapine, etc.). So there’s really nothing special about a potent drug like an MAOI being able to resolve and treat psychotic depression.

1. It would be interesting to hear him talk about ziprasidone’s usefulness as an antidepressant. We know that the wrong atypicals (quetiapine/Seroquel being the worst offender, I guess) are often pushed on people with depression and made part of the treatment-algorithm when perhaps they shouldn’t but the thing with ziprasidone per-se is that it has SNRI properties vaguely analogous to imipramine. Whether it’s safe for people to take something like ziprasidone with Parnate is something that doesn’t seem like it’s really been looked into that much but if it isn’t, anyone who finds themselves on that combination is at risk for serotonin syndrome. Again, we don’t know. At least I don’t think we do.

On a more general note, why isn’t ziprasidone used more for its antidepressant properties?

1. He doesn’t seem to acknowledge the commonness of primary anxiety (whether it’s generalised or panicky).

1-and-a-half: again, potency is an invaluable general measure, no-doubt, but don’t forget that each drug (again, besides the most generic shit) has its own distinct profile and different phenotypes of people and symptoms match onto some medications more than others. Some people do better on fluvoxamine, some trimipramine, some fluoxetine, some mirtazapine, some citalopram. You mustn’t forget that and write off drugs that don’t meet the most potent mark for any particular measure. There’s still a lot we don’t know about how various medications work and Ken Gillman himself is quite candid about that fact. Those of us who can intuitively sense the deeper essence of some of these medications can’t articulate it in so many words because it’s a very involved psychological/psycho-pharmaceutical process that almost transcends current vocabulary and descriptors we have for it. You can kind of deduce that fluvoxamine’s a gold standard for OCD outside of clomipramine compared to other SSRIs and that’s something that might not be backed by any meta-analysis but there is an element of truth in it. It’s not about how much serotonin it inhibits the reuptake of. It’s a very involved and complex drug but one that Gillman disregards in favour of sertraline (probably because it’s easier to combine with other medications and more straightforward in that sense). I understand the reasoning behind it but it’s still a fundamentally limiting way to look at these drugs. I’m very anti-sertraline (beyond its practical uses) so that doesn’t help.

1. He denies that tranylcypromine is somehow related to amphetamine. It literally is.

I feel the need to rant, but I don’t wanna bother my friends with this, so I’m writing this here.
I’ve been struggling with OCD (which caused dermatillomania and trichotillomania) and anxiety for years (only got diagnosed around 5 years ago) and only recently started feeling better. Last year, I went on a long trip that helped me build my independence and trust in myself, before finally starting to study in a uni program I’m truly interested in. I moved away from my parents’ house and finally felt I had more control over my stress and my life in general. I’d say I’ve been doing really good mentally in the past few months.
I started taking antidepressants almost 3 years ago (also started birth control at the same time, but stopped soon after) and immediately started feeling fatigued and nauseous, along with having restless legs and night sweats, and I didn’t feel any difference mentally. I switched to another antidepressant but nothing changed, so I tried a different one, which I am still taking to this day. Although I did feel a difference in my mental health, I still had the annoying symptoms, so I tried playing around with daily doses (upon recommendation from my doctor), but the only difference it made was from a mental standpoint (not a positive difference), so I went back to my usual dose.
After a while, I started losing hair, feeling bloated (and slight weight gain), having leg spasms while being asleep and I felt like the lymph node under my left ear was a bit swollen/hard, on top of the other symptoms I previously mentioned. I mentioned my symptoms to my doctor and she ordered some blood tests. The results showed I had low ferritin (low iron levels in my blood), which had already happened to me when I started having periods (I bled a lot and had very painful cramps that would cause me to pass out). I had already taken iron supplements in the past, so my doctor prescribed me some new ones. After a few months of treatment, my blood levels were back to normal, so I stopped taking them. A few months later, I was back to low ferritin levels, and the cycle went on for a bit until a few months ago, I had developed iron deficiency anemia (low hemoglobin, along with low ferritin). My doctor told me I would have to take iron supplements for as long as I have a menstrual cycle, because she thinks it’s linked to my period. The only problem is that my periods are much better and more regular than they used to be at first, but my anemia is worse, which makes no sense.
I’ve been regularly taking my supplements for a few months but actually feel worse. I can barely get out of bed in the morning and I need at least one nap to get me through the day. If I go to school/work or work on some projects, I don’t have enough energy to take care of my apartment/food/hygiene and exercising drains me out. I just did a blood test that showed that my hemoglobin had gone back to normal, and my ferritin, although still under normal values, has also increased. My doctor replied with: “Well since your ferritin is still low, it’s normal that you’re tired.” But it makes no sense that my blood levels are better, yet I feel worse. Also, even if it’s supposedly ‘normal’ that I feel this tired, doesn’t mean I should just accept it! Isn’t there anything I can do about it? Any advice or treatment? I also think it shouldn’t be normal for periods to cause so many issues.
I feel like there’s a root cause we’re not addressing and my doctor doesn’t really care or doesn’t really wanna look beyond the period hypothesis (which doesn’t really make sense anyway). At some point, she thought my symptoms sounded similar to thyroid issues (which I also agreed with), but my TSH levels were always within the normal range. I once brought up the possibility of endometriosis, since I used to have very painful and quite intense periods, but was immediately shut down. I also had a Lyme disease scare a few years ago, but was prescribed some antibiotics just in case, so it’s most likely not a possible cause. I’m scared, because a lot of the symptoms are similar to those of cancer. I want to ask for more tests, but I feel like I’m annoying my doctor with it, and maybe I should trust her since she’s the health professional? I don’t know what to look/ask for and I don’t have any answers. I’m getting really tired of the symptoms affecting my life so much, now that my mental health is finally good and that I can finally enjoy life, and I’m tired of having to fight for more tests/answers. I don’t know what to do and I’m getting really frustrated, and it’s slowly getting to me mentally too.
Another problem is that I live in Canada (more specifically in Quebec) and although or healthcare is free, our system is incredibly slow and we lack health professionals. I’m on a wait list to be assigned to my own GP, so I currently don’t have my own doctor. The doctor I’m consulting with works in a private practice, which is expensive, and I can’t stay with her forever. I don’t really have any other professional to turn to, so I’m kinda stuck. I really don’t know what to do and I’m exhausted.
Anyways, sorry for the incredibly long rant, and if you made it all the way to the bottom of the text, thanks for taking the time to read all of it!

21F, 110kg, very light skinned, around 5-10 atypicak moles and around 20-30 normal ones, no skin cancer history in family
A hair in my mole completely stopped growing and turned very thin out of nowhere over the last 2 months. (However it sits firmly in the skin and I can't pull it out with light force.) The hair used to be twice as thick and growing very fast (at the rate of even 1 mm/day, only a few months ago). The mole is also kinda sensitive to touch, but I don't know if it's genuinely sensitive or I make it that way by thinking about it so much. (I pulled this hair out only once in my life and that was around 8-9 months ago, then never again.)
I haven't really noticed any obvious changes in the mole appearance. Nor have I noticed hair growth issues on other parts of my body, however I do suffer from trichotillomania, so it's hard to distinguish what's what. (Again, I don't pull on this hair, nor do I pluck it, but I've been touching the mole often over the last few months, especially the last 2 weeks.)
What are other reasons besides melanoma for this development and how common/uncommon is this to be a cancer sign?
Pictures in comments.

30F and I have trichotillomania and shaved it all off and I love it. I don't think that I will go back to having hair as it's easy to maintain. People think I have cancer as wear a bandana all the time. I wear it as in our country it's a no-no for girls to go bald. But female hair-loss, alopecia and trichotillomania amongst various other hair conditions do exist, so, why women get looked down for going bald?

So, 1 year after returning to the natal land, after being abroad for 4yrs, people think I have cancer. They wouldn't understand trichotillomania like most people. I must have had bought a wig with a fringe as the 1 I have is very much apparent that it's a wig. My sibling and the family goes on and on "you're ill" which ffs I've had enough of hearing. Want to move out again to maybe Australia this time, have job experience in HR, did consulting in international business for my masters and ready to move out.

Lydia here again and I just first wanted to thank everyone who read my first post. It was October 4th, 2014 that my self esteem would become an “issue.” I was surrounded by the boys in my neighborhood and dropped on my head four times. I suffered a pretty bad concussion making me miss a month of school and ultimately repeating seventh grade. Except that wasn’t even the part that heart-broke me. When I moved to a new city, my mom convinced me to cut my hair to my ears, so that I wouldn’t be hot for the summer. While I wasn’t fond of the idea, I had this core belief that I had to agree with everything she said, because they adopted me… I should just “feel grateful” and that my hair would grow back. A decade later and I have even less hair. The summer I cut my hair was also the same summer I suffered my concussion. Shortly after I noticed I started pulling my eyebrows and hair out. It wasn’t noticeable to others yet, but I could notice the thinning and it really made me start to hate myself. Immediately at my next doctor's appointment I mentioned it, and he said it’s very common in those who suffer from a TBI, but over time it should get better. Emphasize the word should because bull fucking shit. One day when I was at the grocery store the deli meat counter lady apologized and said she would keep me in her prayers. I stared with the most confused look.She said your hair you have bald spots, what type of cancer do you have. I walked away immediately bursting into tears. I was no longer Lydia, and to others I now looked damaged… So I must be! See cancer isn’t what I have, I have a condition called Trichotillomania. According to the dictionary definition it’s “a compulsive desire to pull one’s hair,” but in simpler terms it means for me when I feel one emotion super strong I get the urge to pull my hair. There isn’t a proven cure yet, though it’s in the OCD category so sometimes those meds will help some, but for me nothing has worked over a long period of time. At the time I didn’t know this information. I entered high school with so much fear and anger. Fear that people would think I was a guy. Anger that I couldn’t control myself and fear from the questions I would be asked…I did everything to hide parts of my hair whether a headband or with other parts of my hair; I didn’t want anyone to see how damaged I truly was. The trauma of my fears coming true is something I’m still working on. Hearing my family tell me I would look more beautiful if I grew my hair out. Friends asking me if I was dying. By the time I graduated high school I barely had any hair left. I was scared I would never grow hair again. I was scared I would never find love, because who would want someone with no hair. I was scared I would never find a good job because who would want someone when they don’t even know what gender they are. I was in so much fear, anger, and sadness I knew it was time to get help. Everything I was doing wasn’t helping, and for the first time I hated myself. I didn’t believe in myself, and I didn’t have hope for the future. I had tried therapy in the past but my mom would go in before I had the chance and tell them a bunch of lies. I also had a belief that therapy didn’t work, but again I hated life. I was willing to try anything, and since I was now 18 my mom couldn’t say shit. Six months into therapy and I had even less hair…What the fuck was wrong with me. One of my friends suggested that I shave my head so that my hair would grow back evenly. I hated that, why couldn’t people just love me if I had hair or not? What if I shaved my head and my hair never grew back. Another fear I had is that people would think I was gay; not because I hated gay people (I’m with a girl now.) It was because I wanted a family, I wanted a husband, and at the time I was more scared of what people thought of me than what I thought of myself. Flash forward two years, two psych hospital visits later and I still thought that I was the broken one. I didn’t know how I was going to go on because every relationship I had never worked, and it was because I had this core belief that I was broken. April 2023 that all changed for me. I met several people that valued me for me. I began a relationship with the girl of my dreams who constantly reminds me that she loves me either way, and reminds me of why she thinks I’m beautiful. Slowly but surely am I beginning to realize that true beauty comes from the heart. I still have my bad, ugly, brain battling days; but I also know that I’m empathetic, kind, and respectful. If someone can’t get past a physical appearance to get to my inner beauty and character I don't want that person in my life anyway. It stinks that there is no proven care for this disorder.” It stinks that more people aren’t more aware of this and sometimes the most hurtful judgemental questions are asked, but if you're reading this blog I want you to know that I hear you, I see you, and in my eyes each human is the most beautiful because of their uniqueness and talents we each bring to this beautiful planet. 

I have trichotillomania, and I have basically no eyelashes on either eye.... its pretty awful, I've had it since I was 8 maybe. I read that NAC could help with the urges to pull... at one point, I wanted to look pretty. Now I have much bigger concerns, but I still do wish I could stop pulling my lashes out.
I wanted to try it out so I bought some last year... it expires this month, and I wanted to start taking it but I got scared about side effects. I never used to take supplements.
Now, though, I take a multivitamin and D3 because I got really sick in March after taking a PPI and had an endocsopy, during which they checked my vitamin D levels and found them extremely low.
I developed SIBO, from the PPI. That's small intestinal bacterial overgrowth, methane dominant.
I heard of people taking NAC as a "biofilm buster" when they have H pylori, but I tested negative for that. I don't really know what NAC does, or if it will erode or be tough on my stomach. I heard of some people having crazy reactions like extreme vomiting and diarhea, or acne.
I then read that NAC is good for lowering inflammation. I'm currently struggling with body-wide inflammation that I'm terrified TERRIFIED will lead to cancer. I'm 24 and I've barely done anything fun with my life.... I have costochondritis, which is inflammation in my rib joints. I have hidradenitis superitiva, which is inflammation in my skin. And then there's the SIBO. This is all diagnosed, btw, but my doctors just kinda give me a diagnosis and let me fend for myself.
I want to try NAC to see if it will maybe stave off cancer by lowering the inflammation but I'm scared it might negatively affect me due to my other ailments.... any thoughts?

I made a post on trichotillomania, but its 3am CST where I live so I doubt anyone is awake , but basically I ripped my wig off . The humidity, itchiness and lace was giving me a sensory overload. My mom took a hour to reinstall the wig and I can't handle her finding out , she'll probably just make me feel worse than I feel now and I'll probably do something impulsive and a lot worse than pulling my hair. So, I need to avoid that. I took the wig off so I can sleep tonight and let my hair breathe then put it on in the morning. I'm just wondering what can I use besides glue or tape. I have highly sensitive skin the glue was fine it was really just wearing the lace wig for 3days without washing my hair or rubbing my scalp was horrible. Maybe I can use headbands. Just to hold the wig down and keep it in place. I just dont know how to deal with my mom telling me I need to grow up and stop acting like a child. Its just annoying I really wish I could get stage 4 cancer or just cause suffering on the people who have bullied and teased me. Nothing crazy just putting itching powder in their hair then when they cant stop constantly ask them " why dont u just stop?". I swear people who dont have this disorder really dont understand. No one does. I wish I could just end my life because I really cant take the bullying whether it's from other females or my mom, or friends . I'm just so tired of looking "ugly" or "nasty" to others. I just want to be pretty and happy like my ex friend and everyone else who has bullied me. This wig was my only hope in actually stopping and looking like a normal person. When I get up at 8 am I'll style it and wear it all day until at night. It just sucks

I just bought a 110 dollar wig with all my money in my bank account. I've only worn it for 3 days and I had to rip it off. My skin is raw and sore but I don't care. I just couldn't wear a wig 24/7 like that. It's too hard , it was such a sensory overload. Also I live in Texas and my mom refuses to turn on the AC because shes a single mom and can't afford to. My mom was kind enough to help me install my wig and made a comment that she hopes that I dont scratch on the wig or rip it off and waste all my money . I just need to grow up and stop acting up like a child * probably due to my mood swings * . I can't tell her I took off my wig tonight and I'll just wear it around her and in public and hopefully she wont know. The wig is pretty tight as is, but maybe a headband to keep it in place. I just hate this disorder. I've been bullied by my mom not intentionally but have been yelled at and hit or just talk down too or told to just stop and act normal for once. My ex boyfriend best friend would constantly call me nasty and talk shit about my trichophagia/trichotillomania too my boyfriend in spanish. I've had milk poured on me in elementary school and pushed into lockers or just punched. I just wish I had cancer . Number 1) everyone would take me more seriously and not treat me as a joke and Number 2) I can finally die like I want to and not have to try and do it myself. I have a family member who has had cancer so ik it's hard but I would totally take a physical illness over a mental one anyday. I wish I could move out but I'm 23 and I have no friends because of my mental illnesses and I just got hired for a new job and this is my 9th job . I feel better with the wig off just so I can sleep and I'll just have to put it on in the morning. I'm sure wig glue irritates other people with this disorder besides just me and I'm just going to buy a bunch of headbands to wear over the wig to hold it down . I just wish I was pretty and loved like everyone else and people can look besides my physical appearance. It sucks with my ex friend being popular on tiktok it just seems people only care about someone's physical beauty and sexual appeal more than the person. Maybe that's just me. I just worry so much about how I look to others it just sucks.

I am brand new to the world of reddit and the world of posting questions, thoughts, etc. aside from my relatively impersonal Instagram/Facebook pages. That being said - I am at the point of googling "trichotillomania treatments", "how to stop trichotillomania", etc. and scrolling past all of the usual TrichStop, Keen, tretamyOCD ads. Does anyone just ever feel beyond exhausted with having trich?
As a 25 y/o woman, I have had trich since I was 9 - up until early last year though, it had been focused on my eyelashes/eyebrows. I fit the diagnosis of trich to a T in both the focused and unconscious pulling categories. I have it all. The fidgets, have tried the Keen, journaling, habit tracking - I never seemed to grow my eyebrows and lashes back in. By my late teens, I came to an acceptance and rocked it. Some stressors happened in my personal life, work, etc. and I turned to my pulling from my scalp in early 2021. Since then, it has been a constant battle. I used to have blonde hair I loved so much. It was part of my femininity, my style, my self-image. Over the last almost two years, I have felt just tormented by my trich. I have shaved my head - dealt with all of the "do you have cancer" [well intentioned, but incredibly distressing because A) do I look sick? B) Please don't feel pity for me for something I have never struggled with (then self-guilt/shame spiral) and C) Why does a shaved head mean I have cancer?!]. It has taken everything in me to keep showing up as my confident self. I feel that if I stop, if I take a moment to let trich make me hide, I will crumble and be unable to keep just showing up. Before my trich hit my head, and although I live(d) with a slew of other mental health adversities, prior to pulling out my head hair, I still was a bubbly, outgoing and positive person. Now, I just fake it. I feel like losing my hair as a part of my appearance has taken away so much of my identity (as stupid as that can sound).
That being said, I am tired. I have seriously looked into trich specific therapists, and it is just not financially feasible for me. I have tried various meds for trich - NAC, antidepressants (I have had the privilege to have access to therapy/medication management) but never experienced relief and it is hard to work past that with providers who don't know a ton about the condition. I have cooccurring diagnoses of ADHD (and am on stimulant medication for such, but do not have a significant difference in pulling/not when off of such and need such for daily tasks), an eating disorder (in active recovery), anxiety, depression and depending on who you talk to, PTSD. All of that being said - I still hold a full-time job, live independently, have a wonderful dog and friends, etc. I am thankful for what I have [done] despite the trich but WOW is it exhausting. Part of me writes this to hope no one has felt this place, but also to hold space for those who might have. I don't know the intent of this post except a brain dump that I feels lonely living in my journal.

(English is my second language,sorry for any mistake) Also some TW! I can't say I had an easy or a hard life. I always had what I wanted, I had money,food,a roof over my head,both parents etc. But of course not everyone's life is perfect. I was always the kind of girl to care about people, I would sacrifice my life for everyone even though I know they wouldn't do the same for me. I get attached really easily to people, maybe because of my daddy issues,and I've done everything for them. I was 6 when my step-dad told me he cheated on my mom(my biological father didn't want me). He basically raised me since I was 1. It hurt,but I didn't show it,I didn't want for my mom to suffer more by seeing me upset. After a while he realized he didn't love that woman, he asked for forgiveness and my mom gave it to him,and so did I,but we didn't forget. I had 2 friends B and D, I was always the last option, of course we would go outside and play together, do everything together but I always felt left out. I knew that they were the same age and going to the same school but that still isn't an excuse for the way they treated me. Always trying to find a reason to get rid of me,bullying me sometimes, always choosing me if they had a fight, using me for money etc. As a kid who loved them and wanted to be loved I let everything slide. I was 7 when I got Alopecia(hair loss) my hair started falling and it literally broke me apart. And if that wasn't enough I developed a Trichotillomania too( pulling out my hair). I know it might seem weird but I was always ripping it,searching for the best texture and even enjoying the pain. I would always try to hide it from my mom,it became such a big problem that I wasn't even realizing when I was doing it,I just didn't felt anything anymore. I think I was around 8 when my step-dad cheated again,this time he even left us. I remember staying with my mom in her bed,she was crying and I was trying to comfort her,it hurt me seeing her cry over someone who doesn't deserve it. My condition got worse and my mom had to cut my hair off. I couldn't go outside without my hair so I started wearing some type of hats. People were always judging me,some of them even followed me to ask me if I have cancer, I got bullied a lot. It hurt. After realizing he isn't happy my step-dad came back,my mom already found someone at the time but she didn't feel 100% happy with him. He promised us a new start,that he would never do it again,of course we didn't believe him,but we didn't much have a choice since he was the best way for us to have food on our table. I remember when I was awake at 3am and they were fighting,not loud enough for me to hear the words,but I still heard it. The slap. He slapped her,and him being at the time a muscular man, my mom got a huge bruise. They tried to lie to me about what happened, but I knew. And if that wasn't enough my step-dad is the loving type when he's drunk, he sometimes touched me,grabbing my behind or sometimes he kissed my breast. We've talked with him about this(me and my mom) and he hasn't done something like that for about 2 years,but last year he did call me sexy because I was wearing elegant clothes for a baptism. I know he was abused as a child,like really abused, traumatized even,but that will never make me forgive him for all the shit he put me and my mom through. Even now as a teenager my life is complicated, my hair did grow back but after years of ripping it was hard to grow it back. It's curly and I can't go outside with it down, because I have some parts of the hair that don't have the same length. I'm only able to go outside with my hair down if I straighten it,and it's so big that it takes time and I don't want to burn it anymore. Because I've burned it enough for the last 3 years. Now about the friends thing, that hasn't improved. I don't have friends to talk to during the time at home,or someone to comfort me and listen to me like I listen to them. I love my friends and I would do everything for them,even though I know I will always be the last choice. Oh,and my story wouldn't be complete without adding that I hate my body. I have an asymmetrical face,cellulite, stretch marks(on my whole body), a fat stomach,arms,face and I'm also short 5'2(160cm) and I have big thighs. I haven't worn a skirt or shorts since 2019. Always in jeans and baggy clothes. I know I'm somehow curvy but I hate it. I even thought about suicide multiple times since I was 8 years old until I was 13. I know what you might be thinking,that I need therapy. I went and it didn't help. I was my own therapist my whole life,and not only mine,I always helped other people too. My grades aren't the best,I'm not an intelligent person(in school). I also have eating problems if that wasn't enough I'm so so so so tired. So the final question, am I allowed to feel tired? Because sometimes people say that teenagers aren't allowed to be depressed or tired,because we have everything we need. But everything isn't enough sometimes.

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35F, 185lbs, 5’9”, white. No smoking/drugs, ~4-6 drinks/mo. Currently meds: Adderall, wakix, progesterone, testosterone pellets. Was taking estradiol replacement but seem to do better without it as I’m still producing some.
Primary complaint: I’m actually just trying to see if it’s worth looking for a connection between the conditions I have or if anyone is familiar with any research related to a connection between narcolepsy and sex hormone deficiency/HH. It may just be one of those things I’ll never have an answer to, but it drives me crazy to think there might be this unknown genetic factor, especially since I have an 8yo daughter. My PCP doesn’t see a point to doing any genetic testing, but said she doesn’t mind referring me. I know those are coveted appointments and don’t want take one unless there is a chance I’d get some legit information/better understanding from it.
Normal brain MRI w/pit contrast EEG during PSG/MSLT showed recurring sharp wave bursts of 5-6hz, normal 30min office EEG during follow up (while awake, hyperventilation, lights, etc) Lots of other testing over the course of 5 years that was mostly normal.
Related conditions: Inattentive ADHD (dx at 14yo) Delayed menarche (no dx, but period started >4yrs after tanner stage 2 and after 3-4 cycles I had amenorrhea for about 8-9mo at age 15-16) Trichotillomania (onset: 10yo, including because a tiny study indicated a relationship with low sex hormones and symptoms) Ovarian insufficiency/low sex hormones (dx at 32 after almost 5yrs of chronic pain and other symptoms, was still having a regular cycle though lighteshorter menses than the first 8yrs or so, HRT resolved most symptoms) consistently normal FSH levels Narcolepsy type 2 (dx age 34, but symptoms present since 23/24yo) Consistent ANA 1:320 homogenous, negative for all other rheum work up and thyroid
Family history: Maternal aunt #1 - dx hypogonadotrophic hypogonadism at age 18, normal ovarian reserves, ht 5’11” and normal wt Maternal aunt #2 - 5’6” and normal wt, early onset perimenopause/amenorrhea starting at 36, pregnancy at 36/37, on estrogen replacement by 38, ADHD, narcolepsy type 2 symptoms since adolescence but no dx Mother - 5’10”, ANA of 1/320, hip bursitis, no AI disease, dx stage IV lung cancer at 38, died at 39 so no known history of hormone problems but she did gain 50-70lbs of weight in her late 20s/early 30s similar to me before the ovarian insufficiency diagnosis Maternal grandfather - mild abnormal sleep behaviors/sleepiness, ended up developing Parkinson’s

I have so much trauma that I've developed many mental illnesses. I'm autistic and diagnosed with cptsd, ocd, and schizoaffective bipolar type, also gender dysphoria and trichotillomania. I was on antipsychotics for 6 years and became prediabetic with high cholesterol so I quit taking them... but I'm not convinced I'll be able to stay off of them. My grandpa was just diagnosed with dementia and Parkinsons so I have that in my family. My grandma had a lot of illnesses, not sure what. Ond of my grandpa and grandma died in their early 70s but they didn't have severe mental illness afaik. Grandma died of lung cancer but she was a heavy smoker. I can't seem to get my life together myself. I have a TON of physical health symptoms and I'm really overwhelmed. I'm only 29. I just feel like I'm gonna die super early because I'm so mentally unwell all the time I can't take proper care of myself and my genetics suck. I used to be pretty atheletic...

I have rarely seen trichotillomania in entertainment media, so I was surprised when a character developed it. I think it's quite well done, at least I felt that way, it got to me personally. The way she touches her hair and twists it is almost triggering. You can see it when she starts to pull under the stress of her job and gets worse as time goes by, until she is almost bald. It is very crude. She is even humiliated by a character at the end of the season.
But sometimes it is not obvious to people who don't know about this disorder, so many people think that she has hair loss due to stress, has a kink with pulling out her hair or has cancer. And that same lack of knowledge makes people make fun of her. I know you can make memes out of anything, but because of the characteristics of the disorder, they are very unpleasant to see.
Has anyone seen this series? What do you think of the representation?

I've seen a lot of people wrong about Ashley's problem with her hair. Saying it's stress, a kink or even cancer. It's none of those, it's trichotillomania. It is usually an anxiety disorder (and I think it falls into the OCD category).

Trichotillomania, also called hair-pulling disorder, is a mental disorder that involves recurrent, irresistible urges to pull out hair from your scalp, eyebrows or other areas of your body, despite trying to stop.

And from the wiki:

Ashley suffers from trichotillomania, a disorder characterized by the urge to pull out one's own hair at the scalp. Likely due to the immense stress of her job, it was later revealed that Ashley had already torn out nearly all of her hair and she was already bald and had to use a wig to hide it.

Ashley's trichotillomania is very well portrayed. It is done in a cruel and crude way, and as a person with the disorder, the scenes are quite difficult to watch. Especially when Homelander forces her to take off her wig, as people with the disorder are often ashamed of it.

I have for several years and have never met or talked to a single other person who deals with this. My tongue is very fucked up from years and years of chewing, it’s covered it white plaques/scales. It actually, genuinely looks like I have oral cancer. It’s disgusting.
I’ve lost feeling and taste on the edges of my tongue. I’m worried about infection and permanent scarring, and it’s also understandably gross to other people. I’ve never been able to stop for more than a few days, and it’s gotten very bad recently with repeat stress.
Just wondering if there is anyone here who’s dealt with the same or similar and has suggestions for stopping/substituting the behaviors? The ones suggested for trichotillomania and excoriation don’t really apply.
I’ve known about this disorder for years but have never really seriously sought help until now.

I am (22M). I have not been diagnosed with anxiety but I am sure I suffer from it. These are the things that I deal with: 1. During my day, extremely negative thoughts creep up and I have to pray to make those not true. Examples: When a loved one is travelling, I fear that there may be some sort of fatal accident (like an air crash, train accident) and need to pray to prevent that. When a pet is acting even slightly strange, I start thinking that they’ll die. When I lose some hair strands while combing, I feel that I will lose all my hair in the next month and intentionally try to pluck out a lot of hair (trichotillomania) to see if that is true. 2. I have had bouts with health anxiety as well. Last year, I was under the impression that I was losing my hearing In the left ear. Got checked by an ENT and it was completely normal. I even started hearing a high pitched tinnitus and it lasted for 6-8 months, and all I could think about was that. Also, I happened to stumble upon this YouTube video of focal dystonia (God knows why I did) and then, started believing that I have that for 4-5 months and couldn’t write without thinking my hands are going to cramp up any moment. This resulted in almost a physical aversion to writing, but then I have somehow corrected and am managing it. I attribute the slightest aberrance in my daily lifestyle to diseases like cancer, fatal familial Insomnia, heart disorders, lung disorders, and the list goes on. 3. Sleep issues- if I ever think the thought “I am not going to sleep tonight”, I will have a shitty sleep that night. I will have the best sleep if that thought dosent come to my mind. I feel that I could get ugly any moment, and nobody in the world will care for me. Anxiety is really crippling 😭😭😭even my closest friends don’t know that I face these things. My head hurts after thinking about the same things again and again.

I am fully aware this is long af, but i would be very grateful if you read it all to the end.
21F here. Let me set the context first :
When i was little, i was a very joyful child, curious about life and extraverted. I remember always having other kids around me and always had friends to play with.
When I started elementary school, everything has changed : Back then i was doing great with given schoolwork (even got called gifted by adults)... Then i started getting bullied (I don't remember the reason tho). Of course it destroyed my confidence and became that quiet lonely child nobody wanted to play with and always being picked up last at PE classes. Of course i started doing bad at school which did not help things. Teachers even started being a part of the harrassement.
As the years were passing things became worse. At the end of elementary school and the begining of middle school i had been bullied for other reasons : I was called ugly and dumb by boys and girls.
I have to admit that physically i was very neglected looking : I had very bad acne on my face, had thick frizzy hair that was unmanageable (When i straightened it looked very damaged), yellow and messy teeth because i don't really received by my parents a proprer dental hygiene education and always dressed baggy and from my brothers closet because i wasn't allowed to choose my own style (my mom used to say to me that she don't want me to look like the other girls being dressed too old for their age ???). And of course in that sense i wasn't allowed to wear makeup. Let me add someting else : With that stress i developped bad trichotillomania on my laches so my eyes used to look very bald, increasing my ugly face.
My appareance reflected my personality too : I was extremely akward, anxious and shy. I was uncapable of defending myslef when i was harrassed by kids or teachers.
Lets talk about my social life : Even when i was picked on and mocked, i still managed to make very little friends. But i was always the less liked one and still received some negative comment about my appareance from them.
At the begining of high school, i wanted it to change : started improving my outfits and hairstyles during summer, started being into skincare ect. For the first two weeks in HS it worked very well : I had plenty of people coming to befriend me ! It was awesome !
Then my dad died from cancer.
Fair enough, when i came back to school afted taking a week off of grieving, i physically neglected myself again, and wanted to talk to absolutely nobody. With his death we started running out of money so i was unable to buy better and warmer clothes since it became chilly with fall. I looked miserable and of course everybody forgot about me. I have become again that quiet kid nobody wanted to talk with. I even started being made fun like in middle school...
At 11th and 12th grade and college years, things went slightly for the better : Started taking care of myslef again, and sociabilizing again.
Today i cleared my acne, took care of my hair to discover that i had beatiful curly hair that everybody compliments and envy, dress like every genZ kid and wore braces to fix my teeth.
However, i still don't wear makeup because i hate the feeling of it on my oily skin and i don't have the time anyway, and still struggling with trichotillomania ;
As i was struggling with self hate during the last years, i slowly learned about self love and priotizing myself but i still feel like people have no interest in befriending me today : I am still socially akward, shy and tend to stutter and blush when i feel like i have people's attention. In that sence i also became higly introverted so if people does not come to talk to me i'll never be able to socialize. I also have different centers of interest than girls of my age and different sense of humor.
So i still remain that less liked friend left behind in an narrow street, left on read or never invited on parties or outings. I always have to send texts first either way i'll never receive any messages or snapchats from friends. Sometimes i feel like everytime i talk or do someting i can see on their face that i am embarrassing them. I also heard comments about me being "too differents than us" or "too kind" and i don't know what the hell i am supposed to act after hearing that. At least i make them laugh a lot with my jokes.
I know what you may thinking "Well It's time to change friends/Just find new friends...". But every time i meet new people they always come to me first and engages a social connection then loose interest in me and start thinking that i am different than them.
Thank you for taking the time to read all of that. It means so much for me.
TLDR : Former bullied kid with healing self worth issues don't know what's wrong with them when making new friends

I am fully aware this is long af, but i would be very grateful if you read it all to the end.
21F here. Let me set the context first :
When i was little, i was a very joyful child, curious about life and extraverted. I remember always having other kids around me and always had friends to play with.
When I started elementary school, everything has changed : Back then i was doing great with given schoolwork (even got called gifted by adults)... Then i started getting bullied (I don't remember the reason tho). Of course it destroyed my confidence and became that quiet lonely child nobody wanted to play with and always being picked up last at PE classes. Of course i started doing bad at school which did not help things. Teachers even started being a part of the harrassement.
As the years were passing things became worse. At the end of elementary school and the begining of middle school i had been bullied for other reasons : I was called ugly and dumb by boys and girls.
I have to admit that physically i was very neglected looking : I had very bad acne on my face, had thick frizzy hair that was unmanageable (When i straightened it looked very damaged), yellow and messy teeth because i don't really received by my parents a proprer dental hygiene education and always dressed baggy and from my brothers closet because i wasn't allowed to choose my own style (my mom used to say to me that she don't want me to look like the other girls being dressed too old for their age ???). And of course in that sense i wasn't allowed to wear makeup. Let me add someting else : With that stress i developped bad trichotillomania on my laches so my eyes used to look very bald, increasing my ugly face.
My appareance reflected my personality too : I was extremely akward, anxious and shy. I was uncapable of defending myslef when i was harrassed by kids or teachers.
Lets talk about my social life : Even when i was picked on and mocked, i still managed to make very little friends. But i was always the less liked one and still received some negative comment about my appareance from them.
At the begining of high school, i wanted it to change : started improving my outfits and hairstyles during summer, started being into skincare ect. For the first two weeks in HS it worked very well : I had plenty of people coming to befriend me ! It was awesome !
Then my dad died from cancer.
Fair enough, when i came back to school afted taking a week off of grieving, i physically neglected myself again, and wanted to talk to absolutely nobody. With his death we started running out of money so i was unable to buy better and warmer clothes since it became chilly with fall. I looked miserable and of course everybody forgot about me. I have become again that quiet kid nobody wanted to talk with. I even started being made fun like in middle school...
At 11th and 12th grade and college years, things went slightly for the better : Started taking care of myslef again, and sociabilizing again.
Today i cleared my acne, took care of my hair to discover that i had beatiful curly hair that everybody compliments and envy, dress like every genZ kid and wore braces to fix my teeth.
However, i still don't wear makeup because i hate the feeling of it on my oily skin and i don't have the time anyway, and still struggling with trichotillomania ;
As i was struggling with self hate during the last years, i slowly learned about self love and priotizing myself but i still feel like people have no interest in befriending me today : I am still socially akward, shy and tend to stutter and blush when i feel like i have people's attention. In that sence i also became higly introverted so if people does not come to talk to me i'll never be able to socialize. I also have different centers of interest than girls of my age and different sense of humor.
So i still remain that less liked friend left behind in an narrow street, left on read or never invited on parties or outings. I always have to send texts first either way i'll never receive any messages or snapchats from friends. Sometimes i feel like everytime i talk or do someting i can see on their face that i am embarrassing them. I also heard comments about me being "too differents than us" or "too kind" and i don't know what the hell i am supposed to act after hearing that. At least i make them laugh a lot with my jokes.
I know what you may thinking "Well It's time to change friends/Just find new friends...". But every time i meet new people they always come to me first and engages a social connection then loose interest in me and start thinking that i am different than them.
Thank you for taking the time to read all of that. It means so much for me.
TLDR : Former bullied kid with healing self worth issues don't know what's wrong with them when making new friends

I am fully aware this is long af, but i would be very grateful if you read it all to the end.
21F here. Let me set the context first :
When i was little, i was a very joyful child, curious about life and extraverted. I remember always having other kids around me and always had friends to play with.
When I started elementary school, everything has changed : Back then i was doing great with given schoolwork (even got called gifted by adults)... Then i started getting bullied (I don't remember the reason tho). Of course it destroyed my confidence and became that quiet lonely child nobody wanted to play with and always being picked up last at PE classes. Of course i started doing bad at school which did not help things. Teachers even started being a part of the harrassement.
As the years were passing things became worse. At the end of elementary school and the begining of middle school i had been bullied for other reasons : I was called ugly and dumb by boys and girls.
I have to admit that physically i was very neglected looking : I had very bad acne on my face, had thick frizzy hair that was unmanageable (When i straightened it looked very damaged), yellow and messy teeth because i don't really received by my parents a proprer dental hygiene education and always dressed baggy and from my brothers closet because i wasn't allowed to choose my own style (my mom used to say to me that she don't want me to look like the other girls being dressed too old for their age ???). And of course in that sense i wasn't allowed to wear makeup. Let me add someting else : With that stress i developped bad trichotillomania on my laches so my eyes used to look very bald, increasing my ugly face.
My appareance reflected my personality too : I was extremely akward, anxious and shy. I was uncapable of defending myslef when i was harrassed by kids or teachers.
Lets talk about my social life : Even when i was picked on and mocked, i still managed to make very little friends. But i was always the less liked one and still received some negative comment about my appareance from them.
At the begining of high school, i wanted it to change : started improving my outfits and hairstyles during summer, started being into skincare ect. For the first two weeks in HS it worked very well : I had plenty of people coming to befriend me ! It was awesome !
Then my dad died from cancer.
Fair enough, when i came back to school afted taking a week off of grieving, i physically neglected myself again, and wanted to talk to absolutely nobody. With his death we started running out of money so i was unable to buy better and warmer clothes since it became chilly with fall. I looked miserable and of course everybody forgot about me. I have become again that quiet kid nobody wanted to talk with. I even started being made fun like in middle school...
At 11th and 12th grade and college years, things went slightly for the better : Started taking care of myslef again, and sociabilizing again.
Today i cleared my acne, took care of my hair to discover that i had beatiful curly hair that everybody compliments and envy, dress like every genZ kid and wore braces to fix my teeth.
However, i still don't wear makeup because i hate the feeling of it on my oily skin and i don't have the time anyway, and still struggling with trichotillomania ;
As i was struggling with self hate during the last years, i slowly learned about self love and priotizing myself but i still feel like people have no interest in befriending me today : I am still socially akward, shy and tend to stutter and blush when i feel like i have people's attention. In that sence i also became higly introverted so if people does not come to talk to me i'll never be able to socialize. I also have different centers of interest than girls of my age and different sense of humor.
So i still remain that less liked friend left behind in an narrow street, left on read or never invited on parties or outings. I always have to send texts first either way i'll never receive any messages or snapchats from friends. Sometimes i feel like everytime i talk or do someting i can see on their face that i am embarrassing them. I also heard comments about me being "too differents than us" or "too kind" and i don't know what the hell i am supposed to act after hearing that. At least i make them laugh a lot with my jokes.
I know what you may thinking "Well It's time to change friends/Just find new friends...". But every time i meet new people they always come to me first and engages a social connection then loose interest in me and start thinking that i am different than them.
Thank you for taking the time to read all of that. It means so much for me.
TLDR : Former bullied kid with healing self worth issues don't know what's wrong with them when making new friends