It’s a little long but I desperately need advice, it gets a little weird
Background: We’ve known each other since we were 16, had a little entanglement while he was in a relationship (last from the time we were 16 to 21), it was nothing physical, just a mutual crush (yes, this happened while he was in a relationship. We fell out of touch after high school.
We were both post breakup (I was single for a month or two after dating someone for 3 years; he was single for two months after dating someone for 5 years), we reconnected when he DMed me, went on a date, and it was history. We’re so compatible and we literally finish each other sentences. We’ve spent almost every day together since. We got symbolically married 9 months after our first date (not legally, but we considered each other husband and wife). It seemed meant to be. I’ve had my happiest moments of my life with him in such a short time, we’ve built a whole life, traveled the world.
But he’s always had a little mean streak (but so does everyone, I’m a grumpy person so I understand some level of it) but it gets a lot worse when he’s drunk, it came out after being together for about a year. This latest time has just been the straw on a camels back. We had a date in the city (about an hour away) and we drank, it was a long night. He ended up DMing a girl that I used to be friends with (he’s aware this friendship ended badly, we both know her from HS, he’s known her longer). This isn’t the first time, it happened probably about a year or close to ago, I checked his phone after he was drinking with a friend and he DMed 3 different girls at 4am. This recent night, He was belligerent, there’s 3 holes in our walls currently. He’s pushed me before and it didn’t happened again, but he screamed and yelled in my face while I sat crying on the floor, called me the worst names which is also not the first time. He knows I have a history of childhood abuse and I don’t take well to environments like this. Not to mention a month before this occurred, he totaled my car because he didn’t listen to me or the law and totaled my car. We ended up fixing it and getting a pay out.
He promised to get therapy, he promised to not drink as much but he just hasn’t followed through. Today is a little less than a month after the first incident and we were drinking to celebrate the end of my finals, I did great, I was so happy and proud of myself. On our way home from picking up our last round of drink from around the corner, he “love tapped” the car in front of us in the driveway because he was looking at his phone which was the reason for his first accident last month. (We live in a very small apartment complex). I lost it, I admit I yelled and got frustrated, I’m just so tired of him promising me things and not following through. I decided to let it go and not let it ruin my celebratory night. We moved away from our apartment complex for obvious reasons but there was no damage. A little later, we were in the car and nowhere near a bathroom and I had been drinking and I had to pee. I peed in a plastic cup and was going to dump it but jokingly pretended throw it on him, but obviously nothing got on him, it’s a joke. I asked him to dump it and give it back so I could put the cup in the garbage, he dumps most of it and “jokingly” actually splashes the rest on me, it got on my face and shirt, very gross. I threw water back at him. He argued how I’m so much worse for throwing water in him because it was more. It’s summer, we’re outside, water dries, throwing pee on someone is gross.
I’m tired of dealing with all of this. Is he ever going to change? Am I just unreasonable? I just love him so much and the good can sometimes make the bad unnoticeable. But I don’t want to keep comprising my boundaries for someone who doesn’t respect me as a partner. What do I do?

I'm asking because we'll...I've had unpleasant experiences working. Basically I did retail and every time it ended bad. Meaning I had a diffcult time problem solving with very angry customers and I always had to go to the manager or another staff member to problem solve it. I notice myself would get highly anxious when a customer would get furious. I also had diffculttly handing out money and made a few mistakes at the beginning but then eventually got the hang of it and was okay. However the managers would get frustrated at me unable to learn quickly enough and would threat at me I will lose my job, which would end in tears.
I did try to do 2D animation a course I did. However I always got confused with the number system and always asked friends to help me but they ended up got frustrated at me. Also hearing the sounds of flipping pages when people were animating annoyed the crap out of me.
I did try to do acting! I ended up sadly with a abusive toxic drama teacher, confirm by my therapist that told me they were abusive. Pretty much the drama teacher told me I was "low middle class" the way I spoke. Also told me when I did a short film with the teacher that I was responsible setting tone on set and it was my fault why the crew were distracted. He also question my religious beliefs which was werid because we were suppose to talk about drama. At the end I stopped going, I would end up leaving class in tears.
I thought to work at a libraby because my mum worked there and I thought "yeah I be safe, I won't lose my job here". I did shelving first and then I got involved helping out with kids events say Chinese New Year and made over 60 masks of the year of the Sheep one year. I also go involed with Halloween event and design the games and make the decorations etc. However!!! yet again it went down hill. I was working to becoming a Libraian assistant, at the time their was this manager we will name them Annie and she understood about my learning diffculties and that it would take me time to learn but I would eventually get it. Though when she retired it all went to hell! new manager was unaware about my learning diffculties. I was accused by staff putting books away wrongly. Also when I hand out change to the customers I was just dollar short, and the whole staff freak out like I had covid. And it eventually ended up some gossip session and went to team leader. I ended up doing compute program we all had to do for the libraby and I failed at that. The teacher told the manager I was incapable and my mother wasn't in the know until a friend at work told her. I wasn't told this and found out through my mum. My mum told me how the new manager told my mum I should work at some clothes shop. Which hurt hearing this I was then gonna be "WATCH" by the new manager behind the desk serving customers, I was so afarid and scared I will fail. I went to my mum in her office crying and she just went up to me and told me angrily "your not to suppose to cry here. I fear you to go to the manager and resigned from your position and say don't ask questions". I did that what my mum told me to do. After that I couldn't go to the libraby and shelve I felt so hurt and felt people were watching me. I ended up just not working anymore.
I did try to do art class online through a friend and we'll sadly I ended up doing everything. And my friend didn't do anything and I had to pull out and I wasn't being paid for it, since my friend at the time seem obsessed with doing it for free.
I'm now lost and depressed not sure what to do for my career. I haven't worked for 8 years due to my mental health and having therapy. Now I feel aimless and not sure what is point in life when you don't have direction.
My skills pretty much is Art. I do portraits. Pencil and traditional oil. I like to do illustrations and cartoons and I do that digitally. More than one therapist told me I'm empathic so I guess that is a skill. Usually I get people tell me their problems just randomly, and people who worked for years didn't have a clue what was going on for that person. and I like to make stories. I have a strong visual memory and imagation as well.
So I'm not sure what to do. I'm just so afarid if I do something again that I will fail. It almost feels like some werid curse. Any ideas?.

I'm asking because we'll...I've had unpleasant experiences working. Basically I did retail and every time it ended bad. Meaning I had a diffcult time problem solving with very angry customers and I always had to go to the manager or another staff member to problem solve it. I notice myself would get highly anxious when a customer would get furious. I also had diffculttly handing out money and made a few mistakes at the beginning but then eventually got the hang of it and was okay. However the managers would get frustrated at me unable to learn quickly enough and would threat at me I will lose my job, which would end in tears.
I did try to do 2D animation a course I did. However I always got confused with the number system and always asked friends to help me but they ended up got frustrated at me. Also hearing the sounds of flipping pages when people were animating annoyed the crap out of me.
I did try to do acting! I ended up sadly with a abusive toxic drama teacher, confirm by my therapist that told me they were abusive. Pretty much the drama teacher told me I was "low middle class" the way I spoke. Also told me when I did a short film with the teacher that I was responsible setting tone on set and it was my fault why the crew were distracted. He also question my religious beliefs which was werid because we were suppose to talk about drama. At the end I stopped going, I would end up leaving class in tears.
I thought to work at a libraby because my mum worked there and I thought "yeah I be safe, I won't lose my job here". I did shelving first and then I got involved helping out with kids events say Chinese New Year and made over 60 masks of the year of the Sheep one year. I also go involed with Halloween event and design the games and make the decorations etc. However!!! yet again it went down hill. I was working to becoming a Libraian assistant, at the time their was this manager we will name them Annie and she understood about my learning diffculties and that it would take me time to learn but I would eventually get it. Though when she retired it all went to hell! new manager was unaware about my learning diffculties. I was accused by staff putting books away wrongly. Also when I hand out change to the customers I was just dollar short, and the whole staff freak out like I had covid. And it eventually ended up some gossip session and went to team leader. I ended up doing compute program we all had to do for the libraby and I failed at that. The teacher told the manager I was incapable and my mother wasn't in the know until a friend at work told her. I wasn't told this and found out through my mum. My mum told me how the new manager told my mum I should work at some clothes shop. Which hurt hearing this I was then gonna be "WATCH" by the new manager behind the desk serving customers, I was so afarid and scared I will fail. I went to my mum in her office crying and she just went up to me and told me angrily "your not to suppose to cry here. I fear you to go to the manager and resigned from your position and say don't ask questions". I did that what my mum told me to do. After that I couldn't go to the libraby and shelve I felt so hurt and felt people were watching me. I ended up just not working anymore.
I did try to do art class online through a friend and we'll sadly I ended up doing everything. And my friend didn't do anything and I had to pull out and I wasn't being paid for it, since my friend at the time seem obsessed with doing it for free.
I'm now lost and depressed not sure what to do for my career. I haven't worked for 8 years due to my mental health and having therapy. Now I feel aimless and not sure what is point in life when you don't have direction.
My skills pretty much is Art. I do portraits. Pencil and traditional oil. I like to do illustrations and cartoons and I do that digitally. More than one therapist told me I'm empathic so I guess that is a skill. Usually I get people tell me their problems just randomly, and people who worked for years didn't have a clue what was going on for that person. and I like to make stories. I have a strong visual memory and imagation as well.
So I'm not sure what to do. I'm just so afarid if I do something again that I will fail. It almost feels like some werid curse. Any ideas?.

I'm asking because we'll...I've had unpleasant experiences working. I experience audio processing disorder and dsylexia. As well OCD and emotional dsyregulation (BPD) Also social anxiety.
Basically I did retail and every time it ended bad. Meaning I had a diffcult time problem solving with very angry customers and I always had to go to the manager or another staff member to problem solve it. I notice myself would get highly anxious when a customer would get furious. I also had diffculttly handing out money and made a few mistakes at the beginning but then eventually got the hang of it and was okay. However the managers would get frustrated at me unable to learn quickly enough and would threat at me I will lose my job, which would end in tears.
I did try to do 2D animation a course I did. However I always got confused with the number system and always asked friends to help me but they ended up got frustrated at me. Also hearing the sounds of flipping pages when people were animating annoyed the crap out of me.
I did try to do acting! I ended up sadly with a abusive toxic drama teacher, confirm by my therapist that told me they were abusive. Pretty much the drama teacher told me I was "low middle class" the way I spoke. Also told me when I did a short film with the teacher that I was responsible setting tone on set and it was my fault why the crew were distracted. He also question my religious beliefs which was werid because we were suppose to talk about drama. At the end I stopped going, I would end up leaving class in tears.
I thought to work at a libraby because my mum worked there and I thought "yeah I be safe, I won't lose my job here". I did shelving first and then I got involved helping out with kids events say Chinese New Year and made over 60 masks of the year of the Sheep one year. I also go involed with Halloween event and design the games and make the decorations etc. However!!! yet again it went down hill. I was working to becoming a Libraian assistant, at the time their was this manager we will name them Annie and she understood about my learning diffculties and that it would take me time to learn but I would eventually get it. Though when she retired it all went to hell! new manager was unaware about my learning diffculties. I was accused by staff putting books away wrongly. Also when I hand out change to the customers I was just dollar short, and the whole staff freak out like I had covid. And it eventually ended up some gossip session and went to team leader. I ended up doing compute program we all had to do for the libraby and I failed at that. The teacher told the manager I was incapable and my mother wasn't in the know until a friend at work told her. I wasn't told this and found out through my mum. My mum told me how the new manager told my mum I should work at some clothes shop. Which hurt hearing this I was then gonna be "WATCH" by the new manager behind the desk serving customers, I was so afarid and scared I will fail. I went to my mum in her office crying and she just went up to me and told me angrily "your not to suppose to cry here. I fear you to go to the manager and resigned from your position and say don't ask questions". I did that what my mum told me to do. After that I couldn't go to the libraby and shelve I felt so hurt and felt people were watching me. I ended up just not working anymore.
I did try to do art class online through a friend and we'll sadly I ended up doing everything. And my friend didn't do anything and I had to pull out and I wasn't being paid for it, since my friend at the time seem obsessed with doing it for free.
I'm now lost and depressed not sure what to do for my career. I haven't worked for 8 years due to my mental health and having therapy. Now I feel aimless and not sure what is point in life when you don't have direction.
My skills pretty much is Art. I do portraits. Pencil and traditional oil. I like to do illustrations and cartoons and I do that digitally. More than one therapist told me I'm empathic so I guess that is a skill. Usually I get people tell me their problems just randomly, and people who worked for years didn't have a clue what was going on for that person. and I like to make stories. I have a strong visual memory and imagation as well.
So I'm not sure what to do. I'm just so afarid if I do something again that I will fail. It almost feels like some werid curse. Any ideas?.

It was me 4 years ago searching on Reddit and every corner of the internet how to stop the heartache, how to stop my heart feeling like it was bleeding in my chest through tears in my eyes. I did everything I could. I pretended like I was very happy, I lived a lie when others asked how I was doing, I tried to gaslight myself into thinking it was for the best and nothing worked. I was in agonizing pain. Does this sound like you? Are you trying to cope through the excruciating pain and emotional turmoil you're going through right now like I did?
My breakup happened just a week before the COVID lockdowns. I couldn't access therapy when I needed it most no matter how hard I tried. This was also a point in my life where I didn't have many close connections or friends; I had nobody to vent to or talk to, and when I tried with one friend, they ghosted me because of it.
I had also just moved in with my partner and we were engaged. I thought the world of him and I believed he was my future and who I would have children with. I centered so much of my love, time and attention our relationship no matter what. We were together for just over a year when it all came crashing down.
It doesn't really matter how the breakup happened in any case with anyone; it happened and it hurt, period. That's where I feel your pain. I've been through what you're going through and it lasted me 1 year and 3 months. Every. Single. Day. Yes, there was better days but they were never enough and never consistent. It was a constant battle to distract and cope, and it rarely worked.

• The constant overthinking.

My ex was on my mind 24/7. Everything reminded me of him and for bizarre reasons I couldn't explain. When I thought about my future, again I found myself thinking about him. Buying a home in the future? "We could have bought a home together". There was no "we" anymore but my brain was obsessed with those hypothetical scenarios. He lived in my mind rent free and I obsessively wondered if he thought about me like that too. Was he hurting like I did? How was he managing it? What if I did this differently? What if I did that? Was it all my fault? What if I reacted differently during this one conversation--could it have saved us? I replayed it all in my head again and again.

• Dreaming of them.

Night after night, all I dreamt about was my ex. It was him and me, it was about our relationship. Half of the time it was about the best, sweet and loving parts of our relationship. It made me yearn and broke my heart. The other half was alternative scenarios still resulting in a breakup. Replaying the breakup. Sometimes I dreamt I'd approach him and cry; we'd get back together or we would fight. I would yell at him, blame him and be angry--other times I would collapse and cry with him. I was always restless and never got enough sleep because I was constantly having nightmares of him like this.

• Desperately trying to cope and distract myself.

I tried to pick up new hobbies. I went outside more often. I reached out to old friends to rekindle. I tried to make online friends who had the same interests as me. I tried talking to more classmates and coworkers. I used social media to distract myself. I watched movies and TV shows at the same time with a video game on and music. ANYTHING to prevent a single thought from occurring and I couldn't stop. I took edibles (weed is legal here in Canada) to calm my mind and get all mushy, but hated the fact I needed to rely on weed to not be able to think straight and not about him or our relationship. I could not be doing nothing, I always HAD to be doing something and preferably more than one thing at a time because God forbid my mind would go back to the endless racing scenarios and thoughts of him.

• Couldn't stop talking about him or our relationship.

When I had the chance to socialize with a friend or family member, I couldn't stop myself from talking about my ex or my relationship. Anything I said somehow related back to it or our relationship. I couldn't use any other examples and I felt the need to just talk and talk about him. It was humiliating when people pointed it out and even laughed about it. It was like I was verbally spilling all the thoughts in my mind. Sometimes the things I said about him were from a place of melancholy--things I missed--and others it was of disgust or angry comments towards him and what he did to me.

• Crying uncontrollably.

This relationship broke me and changed the trajectory of my life. It was that serious to me and it shook me to my core. I cried so much. I cried at least once a day and I cried myself to bed more times than I can count. I cried at work, during my shift and even when talking to customers. I lost control; I couldn't physically stop myself. My mind was numb and my body was depressed, and so I cried. I always had tears streaming down my cheeks. The sadness was unending and limitless. This horrified me the most, especially because I had to interact with other people and still go about my day. How could I explain to them what was happening to me? I wanted to hide away and not have people ever see me like this, but I physically could not stop. That's how broken I was.

• Pretending like I was happy/someone else.

I put a front on like I was over the breakup before it even happened. I pretended to be ultra cheerful and happy. I not only didn't want others to worry about me, but I thought if I lied and gaslighted myself enough that I was going to eventually actually start to feel that way and gradually ease into it. I took smiling selfies for social media, posted positive content, never let anyone know for a moment I was actually broken, miserable and spiraling into a deep depression. I played the part so well I had people comment on how they loved I was so happy, but I never was. It never worked, but it was a good show to others. In the end, it made me feel more miserable. I was asking myself, "why can't I actually be happy like this? Why can I only pretend?"

• How I got over it at last.

After 1 year and 3 months of this agonizing ordeal taking over my life, I healed. One night, I went to sleep and I didn't dream of him. Yes, I had thought of him and our relationship semi-obsessively in the day time, but I didn't dream of him. I slept and rested so well for the first time in what felt like forever. The next day, I didn't have too much to do but I didn't need distractions. I didn't cry. I didn't feel anxious and the feeling of heartache was gone. I didn't even think about him or our relationship once that day.
With this newfound freedom from my thoughts, I began to fall in love with the little things. I went on more walks, I hung out with the ducks and geese around me. I loved the way the sun felt on my skin. I began experimenting with my fashion choices. I was able to pick up a new hobby and get deep into it. I went on a vacation, I reconnected with my old friends. Life had meaning again and I could breathe.
As a result however, I fell in love with my own solitude. I made myself happy and I was picking up the pieces and improving my life for myself. My future included me, myself, and I, and I was not interested in dating. Seeing couples and weddings didn't phase me. I was happy for others, but I wasn't thinking the same thing for myself. I was focused on being happy, enjoying life and improving myself as a person. I didn't want to date anymore or put myself out there. I didn't wanna think about men at all, it left a bad taste in my mouth. Obviously I knew I wouldn't feel this negatively about dating forever, but I let myself feel it for as long as my heart did. I was done lying to myself.
Four years have passed now since the breakup. I'm in a committed, long term relationship with another, brilliant, funny and romantic man. I've never felt so loved before. I put myself out there again and succeeded. Life is so different. It's beautiful, it's unique, it's fun and it comes with a lot of lessons. I never think about my ex unless something extremely specific to him or my relationship is brought up or asked about. I feel so detached from it that it's like I'm talking about someone else's relationship. I feel nothing, absolutely nothing. It's liberating. I cried, begged and prayed for days like this and I'm living them now.
I promise you that there is light at the end of the tunnel no matter how bad it hurts. I've been there, believe me. I thought the world was coming to an end. I made little to no progress until 1 year and 3 months later. It's not a race. Give yourself and your heart time. Grieve, cry, heal, feel hurt. Don't pretend. It will get better, I promise. 💖

TW mention of childhood trauma, fertility; ab*rtion and miscarriage
I (26, F) live with my partner (28 M) of two and a half years and our Irish twins (19 months and 5 months old) we have a long and complicated history to say the least. (10+ years) A timeline for some context would be that we met young, freshman and juniors in high school; we went to different schools, made up, broke up a few times and always kept a very tight friendship in between young spouts of infidelity and overall teen bs. In my youth I experienced many pregnancy complications, which led to some emotional trauma for me. (More context here; one miscarriage was my partner’s when we were young and I didn’t tell him— it wasn’t right, but a confusing time for me) Through everything we always came back to each other. I lived a rougher life with minimal support, while his parents fawned over him constantly, and always had a higher quality of life. (Not yucky rich people, people who worked hard and wanted their child to enjoy the benefits). His parents loved me and I kept him far away from my family’s mess. That is, until I got pregnant.
My partner and I, let’s call him Drew, were not together at the time I conceived our first child. I told him the truth- he wasn’t my only current partner and that I respected him enough to tell him outright immediately; I told him that I love him, and I would chose him, and would consider and ab*rtion even though it would destroy me. I would do it, to earn trust back, and solidify us together again, as I’ve always wanted. He said he could never let me do that, but the fact that I put that out on the table showed how much I valued him in this time. We slowly worked on us, and welcomed our first healthy baby together! It was so beautiful! He meant my family, I slowly realized again why I kept them away, but I put my best foot fwd to build a strong “family” foundation.
I felt myself treading on eggshells emotionally because I knew he was taking on a lot- id moved in with him and his parents for us to save money and get secure, he worked full time, and prepared fully for a baby he wasn’t sure would be his. (Context: we only found out our first child was his recently through paternity, we did not test @ the hospital as the child arrived premature and emotionally we clung together tho feelings may have been unresolved— Drew secretly got a test recently) I’m sure there was plenty he has not said to me as he worked through his emotions and fell so madly in love with our child so quickly, that everything went to the side. ALTHOUGH we were going out once a week, and were the happiest at this point in my opinion. I had no postpartum issues and things were moving in a positive direction!
We begin to find normal life again when BOOM! Baby #2– this time— Drew was thrilled! Bouncing around ecstatic! This pregnancy was ALSO very healthy! Very good! Both made me very sick, but I managed better than many women who get it far far worse than I did. This is where some conflict arrises. At this point with baby number 2, I want to move out. Asap. Obviously he’s breadwinner but long story short, we move out. We’ve now been here 6 months and things have gotten bad as of recent. My family lives very close by, which has caused some conflict. I start to see “expectations” being let down. With ourfirst child I was SO SAD that he didn’t get me flowers, so I’d assumed (stupid I know) that he would get some for me, and it wouldn’t happen, for example.
I feel like I’ve gotten no postpartum care after our second child. He was “exhausted” in the hospital when I was recovering and not paying much attention to me. When we got home, no real physical affection that didn’t feel sexually driven. I can’t explain it? Like he just didn’t care about me anymore? I tried explaining and felt low key bullied out of everything I was feeling, “that’s not what I meant, I’m sorry” I’d believe it, we move on. At a point it began feeling too disrespectful. Mind you, now I’m only a few weeks PP, still bl*eding from birth and really needing to feel loved, but in a different way? More emotional. I’ve only had my last child 14 months prior before his one was born, my body and brain are traumatized to say the least- at this point. Things escalate.
We get into heated arguments that I begin SCREAMING. He gets disrespectful and dismissive which sends me spiraling, and we go back and forth for a few weeks. I will explain, in detail, what I need, and still won’t get it. Or may receive a snarky remark on why I didn’t get treated the way I asked- after a while of this repeating- I finally snap. I put my hands on him. I disgusted myself. I shook in anger and he laughed in a way I’ve never seen. It terrifies me. It’s happened one other time now, which was worse than the first. This ends up happening as a result of him trying to retreat to sleep, where I feel dismissed, and frankly just gross that he leaves me in tears to sleep, that u stomp into the room and continue the argument. He will say things like “I just can’t do this I am too tired” and “I don’t care I’m too tired to care” and I continue to spiral. I emotionally abuse him when I go in and just cannot let it go, but I cannot sleep from the anxiety of an unresolved issue (especially ones where he is very mean and stomps off to sleep, something in my brain is so abandoned in that moment I almost demand him to love me like he claims he does) it is like my fight or flight like I need him to help me calm down because I love him and want to feel safe with him.
More context; this man has NEVER been mean to me. I believe this is a result of him not being watered/appreciated out loud by me, but always needing to “provide something” for me. The issue is the things he does (a lot) don’t need to be done. But the few small things I NEED done are never ever done (example, a clean bottle for the 6am feed before bed to help me a little) instead I wake up to a sink full of bottles and starving baby. Etc. so because I am SO LOW I feel unable to provide that nurture for him. When I beg for that nurture he claims to not have it for me. He doesn’t listen to me, constantly does things I ask him not to, etc. I love him so much. I just feel so hated. I feel like he has never been sorry for things in our past, nor is he sorry about how I feel now, he just wants me to shut up (he doesn’t say that, he doesn’t even yell). More context I do work FT as well as care for our children alongside him. I over extend myself to many friends and am very extroverted so he doesn’t mind me going out a few days a week for an hour or two to relax. In many ways I am SO lucky to have him!!! In others, his words and actions feel so spiteful and resentful. I feel so overwhelmed and like I am giving my all, but have no safe place to fal. I also believe I provide him that same feeling.
Tonight, I drug him out of bed again, I needed him so badly. He was too tired. He ended it with “maybe this is just who you are. Maybe I just don’t love you” then fell asleep. A few minutes later, I woke him quietly after I cried, moved him to th bed where he said “I love you”. And it just hurts.
I feel like I single handedly destroyed my best friend and the love of my life from postpartum anxiety. Please help me get better (I know I need therapy badly I am looking into it immediately) I am so lost. Please help me.

So this is going to be a long story, but a very intriguing one (or so my friends say). Bear with me and if you could offer some advice on what to do please share. I know I'm probably just young and naive but I feel like the pain will never stop. Like I'm going to always be held back by this particular experience.
Also sorry for any grammatical or spelling errors, English isn't my first language.
So all of this begins October of 2022 when I 18 M (at the time) moved to a new city to study film. I was lucky enough to have good grades and be so passionate about this art that it kind of felt incredible to have this new beginning. I rented a small house which I decorated with my collections and all my stuff and ended up loving every second spend in it.
I'm Not very social. Thats just a fact. I've always had my school friends and some people from other activities but none of them really felt like they understood me. No sade to them, I really love them, it's just that I know my hobbies and personality are niece and weird so we don't always see eye to eye. So I wanted to overcome my social anxiety and meet new people.
For the first semester I was all alone. Completely. Spent days upon days without leaving my house if I didn't have school and even didn't have any actual human interaction if not necessary. I didn't realise how much I was hurting myself. The Second semester, someone approached me in school and asked if I could help them with the editing for their final movie, let's call him Jacob 18 M. I already was searching for a group project to join in order to pass the class so this felt like a sweet deal. The group was Jacob and 2 girls, let's call them Ellie 18 F and Hannah 18 F.
With time we started talking about more then just the movie. I was really surprised by how many things we had in common. It was the first time someone I met liked musical theatre or (and this is gonna sound sad, please don't judge me) people didn't want me to leave whenever I approached them. They invited me to things, to their homes and after school and to trips at the beach ect. We were together almost every day. Till late at night or through it. Just the 4 of us. Felt like we could rule the world.
One day i thought Ellie was flirting with me. That was a weird feeling. I'm not very good looking and had a lot of extra weight so that was pretty much the first time but my friends told me that was the case from what I was describing. I mentioned it to Jacob and he told me something I didn't expect. He told me him and Ellie were in an open relationship and were hiding it from everyone except Hannah because of his ex who was in school with us. He also confessed he once had a crush on me and that's why he approached me in the first place. He also saw Ellie flirting with me but was ok with it due to the "rules of their relationship".
I was ok with not having a romantic relationship with Ellie. She would actually become one of the closest friends I've ever had. Or so I thought.
I actually started having a crush on Hannah. She loved some of the movies I loved. Had some of my quirks so I didn't feel ashamed around her and she started watching my favourite tv show with me. During our time together everyone (even her sister and Jacob who found out I liked her) told us that when we were together we could only see each other. As if we had a unique way of communication that nobody else could understand.
I confessed my crush and she told me she felt the same way but that there where 2 problems. First that she gets very anxious about relationships, has only ever been to one and had never kissed anyone. I assured her I wasn't going to pressure anything and I only cared for her and wanted to go on a date sometime. She replied she would like that very much. The second problem she confessed was that she was in love with Jacob for months now but nobody knew. Then everything made sense. The things she did for him and all. How she acted around him. I was surprised I didn't notice it before. She told me she wanted to get over it and proceed to ask to kiss me. We kissed a lot but nothing more that night. She went home after a few hours.
The next day Hannah she felt very distant. We wanted to go to the movies with Ellie but she disappeared all day. Late at night she asked my to go for a walk since we lived near each other. Then she told me she wanted to forget everything and last night was a mistake. That her anxiety has gotten into her and although she really wanted a relationship she couldn't be in one. The next few days we talked again and she said she didn't share any of this with Jacob to have someone in the group I could talk to if I needed help. Ellie was that for her.
It was already summer so we all went to our home towns. I missed her a ton. We stilled talked and the other 2 knew something was off with me. About 2 moths later we all went to Hannah's summerhouse for vacation. We were having fun, getting drunk and all that 19-year old stuff. One night me and Hannah were watching my show together and the time felt right so I asked to kiss her. She told me no and finally told me the truth. Turns out she liked that we flirted but after kissing me she realised it wasn't anything more. Also everyone knew except me. But after all this time I had realised I was in love with this girl. I told her if she could keep all of this to herself and she said yes.
We were all still friends. But I couldn't let go. My mental health began to decent and I started feeling like they would leave me out of stuff to go hang out alone and during October I tried talking some time away to see if they would even talk to me if I didn't. They didn't even say good morning once. I tried again and again. Jacob and Ellie said we all need to talk together. They repeated the same words. Like as if it was rehearsed. I went to "the talk".
Jacob did most of the talking. He talked about boundaries and how after everything between me and Hannah the group hasn't been the same. That after I didn't tell him what happened in our vacation they went to her and forced Hannah to do so. They where all attacking me. I heard lie after lie and all followed up with "we just need some time" and that all of this was cause they loved me.
I have discussed what they accused me of with friends, family and therapists. Although I didn't not believe it at first they all confirmed it was finding little details in my day-to-day behaviour (unrelated to all of the above) and using it to kick me out. They didn't intend of even speaking to me again. Lies feed to everyone by Jacob.
I went away. I don't know if it was for the better. But for a few weeks at first and then months later, I went back to my home town. Their lies became actual blame and I got a message from Ellie saying that we are done (just one month after trying to convince me they needed time and confessing she in particular didn't even notice anything until her boyfriend accused me).
Last time I saw any of them was in December when I gave Hannah her Christmas present. I told her I wasn't trying to get her back and I would continue to keep my distance since my first priority is what she wants and I meant that. I really do love her and would do anything for her to be happy. But I miss her a ton.
It's been 5 months since then. I stopped going to school and kept my distance from anyone related to that life. I have depression and cannot think about anything else. I heard that Jacob still talk shut about me to everyone. I have realised what has happened and have discussed this with multiple common friends who have confirmed this. Jacob is Manipulating the other 2 because of the bad relationship with his parents. He knows Ellie won't do anything with anyone else despite the "open" relationship due to her luck of confidence (so it only works for him). She need him to operate in public and to deal with her extreme anxiety so he takes advantage of that and Hannah follows him everywhere with the excuse of just being a good friend.
There are so many things I couldn't include (this is a hugh post already) about more lies and proof that they where bad for me. But I can't move on. I have seeked medical help but I just cant imagine my life in the future without them. Everything is a reminder of what we've been through. Jacob used to call me his family and when I begged him for our friendship back he didn't even care. Not on my birthday, not on new years... never. I lost all of them.
I'm back now. Not sure why, whether I'm back to continue my studies or to see if I could win them back. If I could have Hannah in my life in sime form. But I'll probably see them tomorrow morning (I randomly walked behind them today, don't think they noticed me).
Please if you have any advice share it. I just want to feel happy again. Even for a second.
TL,DR: The girl I'm in love with stopped talking to me along with my 2 best friends. I can't move on and I'm supposed to face them again in school after not seeing them for months. They all lied to me and nothing seem to help. I have depression and I dont want to feel like this for the rest of my life.

tw: csa, neglect, emotional and physical abuse
whether you choose to or not is your decision, and most people have been through more severe situations than i have so i completely understand why the majority of people go no-contact. this is just my personal experience not advice or a discussion or anything. me, i have a pretty textbook recipe for cptsd: bpd/ocd teen mom and schizophrenic/depressive/npd teen dad. yes they have been professionally diagnosed with all of these things. when i was 3 i told everyone my dad sexually abused me and understandably my dad flipped out so i backtracked and said it was a joke. i have no idea what he did because my mom never witnessed anything and my dad refuses to talk about it without going into a rage and blaming me for my family's divorce and him losing all of his friends. ive been hypersexual since i was about a year old also so i have my suspicions about him either way. my mom got on drugs shortly after the divorce to work 2 jobs in a town about an hour over, so you can imagine i didnt see her much for my childhood-- i only had her mugshot after a police chase and picking her up after she crashed a car because she fell asleep driving to go by for a good 5-7 years. i hated her when she left. i was dead convinced she was a drug addict and a deadbeat because i didnt understand she was doing it for her kids. i lived with my grandparents during that time and they were neglectful as all get out and didn't even care if me and my sibling showered, brushed our teeth, slept at a reasonable time, or even went to school. my mom cared because she would be the one going to jail if we were truants. i was an anxious little kid and told everyone i had the stomach bug instead of going to school but i faked sick too long and my mom would come over in the mornings to drag me by my hair and beat my ass. which just made me more anxious and unwilling to go to school, or go out in public for that matter. probably the worst of my childhood boiled down to when i was 10 and my mom always shit talked my appearance and said i never took care of myself and got fat so she went to buy me new clothes. i was too anxious to even set foot out of the car and kept nervously brushing my hair to self soothe (thought i looked ugly but in retrospect girl u were fidgeting) until she took the brush out of my hand and whacked me on the head with it which caused a whole situation and her fighting to get me out of the car while i was crying. she called the cops and i just so happened to get some douche who got off to scaring the shit out of kids, because he handcuffed me for no reason just to lecture me and tell me to listen to my mom or i'd get sent to "adult prison." fun experience i guess. anyway the rest of my childhood and adolescence was my mom berating me for the smallest things and expecting me to act like a little adult and work and tend to the house AND also somehow have straight As in school, have friends, extracurriculars, and hobbies, but she's not going to financially support any of those hobbies or actually set into motion for me to hang out with friends. the few times i ever hung out with people i went to THEIR house and THEIR parents had to chaperone me around, and my family was just not involved to the point my friends wondered if i even had a mom. not even going to mention the transphobia i faced from my mom, but she took my binder that i bought with my own money and donated it to some rural christian thrift store... even thought itd be hilarious to mention the fact that theyd probably throw it out not even knowing what it was (this is long and melodramatic)
and yet... i still love my family. maybe feel obligated to, even. maybe my dad molested me and if so he's fucking disgusting for it. i don't know why you'd ever touch a baby. i don't know why he'd even have a motive to do so. he didn't really have a motive to cheat on my mom and fight her in front of me as a baby and steal her savings and drive out of state with no notice either. now he's just sad and suicidal and has been for over a decade and he's still hung up over the family he destroyed and apologizes to me anytime he sees me. to me, he's gotten his just desserts: he's a late 30s stoner who still lives with his parents and is still mad at his ex wife a decade later. i will never be close to him for abusing my mom but i genuinely forgive him for what he may have done to me and also the things he actually did to me, like calling me a slut and making me change my clothes and not wear makeup around him and telling me, his 8 year old daughter at the time, that women should be barefoot and pregnant and are also evil cheating jezebels. he still does it occasionally but his words hold no power over me and i think he realizes that so he's become more tolerant and agreeable. my mom basically destroyed any chance of me not fearing intimacy or anything short of perfection or being myself but sometimes she gets drunk and just sobs and hugs me and tells me she's sorry she couldn't do better and i wish she could have at the time when it kind of mattered substantially more to my development, but im proud of how far she's come and that she's trying to be less strict and cruel to toughen me up and make me appear relatively functional and normal, the things she couldn't be at the time. this lowkey turned me into a functional addict and gave me a really bad habit of dissociating and not listening to my needs later in life but its chillin.
after ALL of this forgiving my family for essentially giving me a shit hand at life is pretty rough. but its ultimately helped with my hypervigilance and i dont immediately read everyone's actions as if they are judging me or see me as a burden-- it just takes substantially less than the average person for me to feel that way! maybe i have not healed at all in my behaviors and still act like a sad, scared angry little kid. but i feel less wary of them at the least, and its nice for now.

I'm just going to jot down my late-night thoughts and try to get some sleep. It's sad that this is keeping me up. Here's my story:
I grew up in a conservative environment (not in the US, and English isn't my first language). Despite that, my mom raised me to be a strong, smart, hard-working woman. She always told me to establish my career and be financially independent before having kids. And yes, having kids was always just assumed to be part of my future.
I have two older siblings (about nine years older than me) and a younger sister (who was apparently unplanned). My parents were tired by the time they had my younger sister, so I ended up parenting her even though she's only four years younger than me. I love her so much, but this experience gave me a taste of what parenthood is like, both the good and the bad.
Growing up, my mom shared stories about how badly my dad treated her when she was going through infertility and how awful her MIL was. It was really bad, and I won't go into details. This made me vow that if I ever chose to be with a man, I'd make sure he's with me because he loves me, not just because he wants a baby. I wanted him to be okay with not having kids in case I faced infertility too.
Fast forward to my 20s: I dated a few guys, all of whom desperately wanted kids. We broke up for various reasons. Then at 23, I met my now-husband (31 at the time). We bonded over many things and still get along great. We got married last year, and our relationship is excellent. It's not just the honeymoon phase—we've been living together for over five years.
When it comes to kids, we were both on the fence and decided to make our decision when I'm 28-32 and he's 36-40, and then stick to it.
I've always been nurturing and love kids, but I also really love my freedom. I love to travel, enjoy my free time, and be spontaneous. Both of us are very successful software engineers and make a good living. I don't really like software engineering, but I'm good at it, and it pays well. I've always wanted to switch careers once I have enough money saved. At this rate, I'll reach financial independence at 32. Sounds good, right?
Not quite. Last month, I found out my AMH levels are low for my age, indicating a decline in my egg reserve. My doctor recommended we start trying for kids ASAP if we want them.
I think my husband is leaning more towards being childfree, and I know rationally that I love my freedom too much to have kids. I don't like routine and want to do many things, and being stuck in a career I don't love isn't one of them. But we've done a lot—traveled, visited countless coffeeshops and restaurants, partied a lot, went to concerts, etc. which gets repetitive tbh, diminishing returns is definitely true (talk about privilege, I know)
Both of us are immigrants, I live far from my siblings and miss having family around. My husband is a great guy, an excellent partner, and very smart and healthy. We love each other a lot. Sometimes, I feel like having a kid with him, but I wonder if it's just FOMO or a romantic vision. Maybe it's because of the low AMH news (my mom and aunt had early menopause in their late 30s, and that seems to be my destiny too). Maybe it's because my dad is desperate to become a grandfather and is pressuring me indirectly and directly. Maybe it's because I am a curious extroverted person, always interested in new experiences, I'm not sure...
I feel down because I can't figure out what I want and why I'm so stressed about making a final decision. My husband and I will read the baby decision and talk about it, and idk what I'm hoping from posting this, but please feel free to tell me anything, give me advice, recommendations etc. Everyone around me has always wanted to be a mom or hates kids and has never wanted them in their lives... I feel like I don't belong anywhere. Happy that this community exists.

I'll try keep this short as best I can so sorry if it gets long.
I'm (18F) currently in my first year of uni studying pharmacy in Australia and I actually hate it. Before I switched from full time to part time study, I hated all four of my subjects. Even after reducing it to two subjects I still hate it. I hate the content and doing my assignments gets me frustrated because nothing is interesting. And i hate going to on. campus classes because my mind is always questioning what I'm even doing here, I hate listening to my classmates talk about their assignments or ask each other questions on what we're learning about because I just don't understand how everyone is so interested in what we're doing and I feel so lost all the time because I feel like I don't belong here.
I started rethinking and realised I don't actually want to be a pharmacist and the only reason I chose it was because I wanted to make my parents proud and it was the only career in the medical field was I liked (my parents wanted me to pursue a career in the medical field). Then I realised the career I actually wanted was to become a pharmacy technician not an actual pharmacist. Every time I try to study or work on an assignment or work through content, I find myself ditching what I'm meant to be doing and I end up spending hours researching what I should with my life. I made a whole plan which was instead of completing my 5 year uni course, I would study a certificate course instead, which only takes up to one year to complete and after that I get to start working as a technician. And the good thing is that if I do eventually decide I want to be a pharmacist then I can continue onto the next cert course.
When I tried to talk to my mom about my plan, she immediately got angry because all of a sudden I'm changing my mind and that the money used for my tuition fee will be put to waste. It made me sad because every teacher and guest speaker in high school would say that if you end up not liking the course you're taking in uni, you can always change. Even my older brother (22M) said that to me, who was also the one who suggested I take a gap year. Due to some drama I ended up scrapping that idea but looking back I really should have listened because now I'm so lost and I can't figure out what to do and not much improvement to my physical health so far either. Anyways, I really can't remember how the conversation went even though it happened an hour ago but it got really heated because I was upset at how my mom wasn't listening to me and started bringing up irrelevant stuff like how I keep hanging out with my youth friends and that I should find some pharmacy friends. It really hurts every time my mom talks down on my youth group because these friends are genuinely the best friends I've ever met and they've allowed me to open my heart and get closer to God. And how assumed that I don't have any uni friends when I do. I even tried explaining how I feel out of place when I'm around them. She just doesn't understand how I can't just MAKE myself interested in what I'm doing. I've tried gaslighting and forcing myself to like it but it's just labor at this point.
I guess my mom is just worried I'll end up like my older brother who dropped out of his first uni course at 19 and re-enrolled in a course but hasn't made much progress in his future at the age of 22. I said to my mom that one day we will have jobs but she doesn't have faith. At this moment I'm still sobbing desperately trying to get the feeling of wanting to off myself out of my head. I really just don't want to be stuck doing something for the rest of my life, especially when I hated it from the start.
Not sure what will happen but I hope I'll have support from my brother and my dad later today when they get home. I doubt it though, so I guess all I can do now is just keep praying. :(

Basically that. When we met I was recovering from a psychotic episode and was doing okay. He was extremely sweet and understanding and we clicked like something out of a fairy tale. I had that feeling of being around someone I’d known all my life but forgot that you knew them. The sexual chemistry and compatibility was amazing. The romantic attraction was strong, deep emotional connection, lots of similar hobbies and goals, similar values. Enough discrepancy to keep our conversations interesting. He communicated well and wanted to make me happy. We were comfortable enough to tease each other and talk about anything basically from the get go. And it just flowed really naturally, everything felt natural.
I didn’t know that my psychosis was either caused or made worse by my being on adderall. My doc put me back on it and everything changed. It started out with just paranoia, getting these intense anxious preoccupations that I’d ask him to reassure me weren’t true. He was as patient as a saint and didn’t mind reassuring me at all. But the anxiety never really left. I became uptight and easily irritated. Emotionally detached and either distant or worrying about something. I became convinced he didn’t actually like me and was using me for sex and I got mean and accusatory with him. I treated him awfully. But I didn’t know what was happening, I was confused too, so I tried really hard to prove that I did actually like him… after the adderall wore off in the evening I would get extremely depressed and realize how much of a jerk I was being because I couldn’t control or reason with my thoughts. Like morbidly depressed, inconsolable sobbing, physically painful depressed. It kept me stuck in this loop from hell I didn’t know how to talk to anyone about. I was convinced I was just broken and needed to leave him alone, but if I told him that he’d make me talk through my thoughts and would reason with me and it made me feel so guilty yet better for the time being.
I’d apologize, we’d think we were okay but it just kept getting worse. When we’d hang out we would barely talk but couldn’t leave each other alone because of the connection in the beginning. And I think it was clear to him that I wasn’t trying or wanting to act like this but he didn’t know what was happening either. At one point he said that he just felt like who he was didn’t make me happy and nothing he did was right. I tried to convince him that it wasn’t him at all and I was just dealing with these issues but I was lost in this delusional state where I forgot I wasn’t always like this and had delusions about both myself and him… that I didn’t know were delusions. Anyway it got so bad that he ended up blocking me, but before he did he told me that he truly felt like this was a case of right person wrong time.
And I feel haunted by him. By this whole thing. I’m starting to feel more like myself at least a little bit and I am haunted by all the times I sat there paralyzed in fear when I just wanted to hold his hand or say something sweet. I get hit with flashbacks when I sing in the car or act goofy and remember when he tried to help me loosen up again and I just rolled my eyes to cover up the terror I felt and how I was convinced I was broken and didn’t know how to be silly anymore. I’m horrified at the thought that he thinks he did anything to make me feel that way. He never did. I projected my delusions onto him. It’s been years since I’ve been attracted to anyone until him. And I would say I’ve even been with people who felt like soulmates before but never felt like everything was so right for me about someone like that. Like there you are, I’ve been looking for you my entire life. And I obliterated it. Completely ruined it. I was too proud to admit to anyone how fucked up my thoughts were and not sure I even understood how far removed I was either. Psychosis took a lot from me but this I’m having a really hard time getting over.
I think because if I had at least been myself and it didn’t work out, I could live with that. But the fact that I wasn’t and I’ll never know… I don’t even want to move on in case he decides to reach back out at some point. It’s awful. I have this nagging feeling that we could have been really good for each other. Has anyone else ruined a relationship because of psychosis?

backstory, we became best friends in 2nd grade because i gave her a note asking if we could be, she refused me the first few times but i guess i grew on her and we eventually became attached by the hip. i was super drawn to her and we clicked, i never really clicked with anyone else the way i did with her or never gave anyone else the chance to. days without her were empty, just like these days. we'd get into stupid petty fights cause i was immature, she's 3 months younger than me but she's so much wiser than i lol. her words never failed me, but my words did – as much as i'd advise my friends to communicate, i, myself, am not the best communicator - often opting to isolate myself or ignore a problem altogether. years passed, and like any friendship - we grew distant. with the pandemic, and my transferring of schools, we lost contact, with our facebook accounts being disabled for no reason or i think she deactivated hers. we were best friends for 4 years and it's been 4 years now since we last officially spoke to the other.
2 months ago, days after her birthday. i watched a sad movie where i got all in my feels and got the courage to send her a message on her new account where her only friends were family members, i honestly did not wish to receive a response, expecting that she probably resented me for being a terrible friend and that i wouldn't blame her, but she replied to me. she replied to my long message with a long message back, she's the only person in my life who'd do that for me. she's the only person who really knows me. i miss her so much, we still don't talk even after that one interaction but i guess it was quite comforting to know we missed each other. things aren't the same but maybe if i tried harder? who knows lol. we're still teenagers, maybe sometime in the future, i'll have my bestfriend back.

I (23f) am going through many changes in life recently and all of these things have occurred over the last month and a half. To say I’m drained is an understatement. (Sorry in advance, this post is going to be a little lengthy.)
For example, my father had two strokes at the start of this year, which destroyed me (even though my father and I are not very close), & I am currently seven months pregnant with my second child. This pregnancy has also been VERY tough compared to my first, so I’m really trying to push through as best I can. I have severe pain in my lower back and pelvis, which make it excruciating to do anything. This wasn’t something that happened during my first pregnancy either, so I’m trying to take it easy as humanly possible. On top of that, I’m still fighting postpartum depression and it’s kicking my butt. However, there are two other major life events I’ve faced on top of this that are absolutely killing me lately.
The first event is me going back to work. I will only be working until I give birth again, but it’s very taxing on my body and my mental health. It may sound silly, but I have been a stay at home mom for the last 7-8 months to my firstborn child. I absolutely adore this new role with my whole heart, it brings me so much joy. I just didn’t have the intention of going back to work any time soon, so this change caught me off guard. After not working for such a long period of time, it’s become very difficult for me to go back for a few reasons. It means having to leave my 9 month old baby during prolonged amounts of time, and I’m not used to that yet. It’s made my heart sad to do it, but we’re in a financial crunch in my household, so going back to work was the only suitable option to help take care of bills with my partner. While this change is only temporary, I’m still having a tough time trying to adjust to it. It also means getting used to my line of work again (I cook in a restaurant), the peaks of busy hours, being on my feet for hours at a time, etc. Working in such a demanding industry is hard when you’re pregnant, and that’s something I’m trying to get used to again too. For some background info, I worked through the entirety of my first pregnancy and it wasn’t easy the first time either.
The other major life change I’m dealing with is that I’ve lost my sister (27f) in a horrific car accident last month. I’m very numb to this whole situation, and I’m in shock. My mom and I are the only two people in our family who have taken charge to give her a proper funeral too. As you could imagine, it’s a TON of stress for just two people to handle. From starting a campaign to raise money to pay for the funeral costs, to writing her obituary, I’ve been working my ass off trying to make sure this goes as smoothly as possible. I love my sister dearly, and I’m honored to have such a big role in this. However, it’s becoming much harder each day. Our mom is putting a ton of pressure on me by giving me handfuls of tasks while she handles the smaller responsibilities in all of this. I’ve launched the campaign for expenses, I am writing the obituary, I’ve picked out a guest list, made a social media page for guests to RSVP to the service, collected photos, gathered a location for her celebration of life, and I’ve also gone to several meetings at the funeral home to discuss details of the service as well on top of a few other things too. I’m doing all of this while trying to be a happy mother, go to work, being pregnant, and trying to handle my own life stresses. I manage money in my household, so I budget everything. I do the shopping, cleaning, etc. Not to mention, I’ve been playing the part of a support system to my mother and my sisters father during this time. On my days off from work, I’m not relaxing or taking it easy as I should be. I’m taking care of my child while my partner is working, I’m also juggling the funeral responsibilities, and trying to figure out how to keep my household afloat. I barely have had time to take care of myself and I’m drowning.
Here’s where the issue comes into play. My mom wants me to do a handful more things for the service, as it’s approaching at the end of the month. I just don’t have the heart to tell her that I’m exhausted and would prefer her to do it. I didn’t sign up for all of these responsibilities either, it was just given to me when all of this happened. I didn’t say no originally either because it’s my sister, you know? I love her and want her to have a proper send off, I am just so overwhelmed at this point.. My mom has only handled the songs she would like to hear at the service, sending in the photos I’ve gathered, and attending meetings with the funeral home. I’ve done literally everything else. Now, she wants me to do more. My mother doesn’t work, she stays at home a majority of the time. She babysits my son for two days out of the week for two hours max while I’m at work. She has the time to do all of the extra things, whereas I do not. I just want to focus on my own mental well being and my at home life right now. My days off from work have been filled with all of life’s problems and struggles, and they don’t rest on the days that I do work either. I haven’t even really begun to process the loss of my sister. I think about her, but it hasn’t even really hit me yet.. I haven’t had a day to myself to think or even do my laundry.. I’m just so exhausted of life. AITA for wanting her to handle the last bit of responsibilities so I can take a step back and focus on myself and my home life before the funeral?😞

I’m using a throwaway account for this just in case. Also this is very long, I tried making it shorter, sorry.
A little over three years ago I (23F) met an amazing lady at work, I’ll call her Susan (33F). She is a bit older than me but we clicked instantly. We are the best of friends and I love her to pieces.
About a year after we met she posted a photo of me online and one of her friends, we will call him Jack (30M), responded saying I was cute and asked her who I was. Jack lived in another state but Susan and Jack have known each other for a very long time. They met in High-School and are very very close.
Anyway, eventually Susan gave Jack my info and Jack and I also became really close friends. Eventually he moved to where Susan and I live and we all began hanging out all the time.
About a year ago, (a little over a year into me knowing Jack.) the three of us went on a trip together. During that trip Jack got really drunk and assaulted me the night before we were to return home. I didn’t say anything the next day because I didn’t want to ruin the trip for Susan.
Once we finally did get back home it took me about a week to fully process everything that had happened. It was a lot to handle considering how close I was with Jack. Not only that but what was harder was figuring out how to tell Susan about it. Like I said, her and Jack are very very close.
Anyway, eventually I told her what had happened and she was obviously disgusted and horrified that he would ever do that. A time or two she tried to “justify” it by saying things like how he was drunk and how he isn’t that type of guy but I think that was more of the shock than anything else.
When I eventually told Jack that I didn’t want to be around him anymore (the same day I told Susan what happened) we went our separate ways. Honestly the details of how all of that went down don’t really matter. What I’m here to talk about is how a year later Susan and Jack are still really close friends.
Now, let me start by saying that I did tell her that she didn’t have to blow up a 10+ year friendship because of me. So I don’t really have any right to feel upset about any of this to begin with. I think I’m more here to see what other people’s opinions are.
Anyway, Susan and Jack didn’t really talk for a few months because of this. I mean they did talk all the time but never in person. Susan decided she did want to stay friends with him she just wasn’t entirely comfortable being around him until she had processed everything herself.
However, eventually they did start hanging out again. Not only that but Susan regularly makes comments about how she wishes we were all still friends and that him and I would make up. Sometimes she will mention inviting him out drinking with us while we are already out drinking. When I tell her I don’t think it’s the best idea she will say something like, “yeah but you love me so you’ll put up with him for me”
Not just that but she gives me regular updates on his life and tells me everything going on with him. Especially about how much he misses me and regrets what he did by destroying our friendship.
I don’t know, on one hand I don’t care because literally I couldn’t care less about this fucking guy. I don’t like him and he means shit to me these days, I literally never think about him unless she brings him up.
But on the other hand what actually bothers me a little is how much she brings him up. I’ve told her multiple times I don’t care about his life or what he’s doing and for the rest of that day she won’t bring him up but the next time we are out she will.
Before you say it, I know I’m being a hypocrite by saying this but part of me is a little… hurt? Upset? Sad? I don’t know the right word for it but part of me feels something about how she didn’t really say anything to him about it.
I mean they talk about what happened a lot with each other because, like I said, Jack is a baby who can’t accept that his actions have consequences. I don’t know, maybe it’s the fact that they are exactly the same as before that bothers me? I never expected her to stop being friends with him. But I guess I thought something would happen.
Even though her and I are each other’s person. They have a long history together and it takes more than one incident to walk away from all of that. I just know how I would react if the rolls were reversed and it’s a lot different.
Like I said, I don’t know exactly what I’m looking for with posting this. To be completely honest I don’t really know how I feel about all of this. It’s not something that really upsets me, but I guess it just stings a little. I don’t know, I’m not the best with words. If you have any thoughts, opinions, questions, anything at all I’ll gladly take it. Maybe all I really want is someone to talk about it with, idk.

There is SO much through those horrible 11 years. But the last 2.5 have truly been the hardest, mostly because I am just EXHAUSTED to the point....I don't even usually bother fighting against a single thing/become comfortable as the door matt.
What did me in, is he owes my grandmother $3k for HIS HALF of unpaid debt to her. They are currently (under my dumb stupid blessing) are letting him rent what is my family's home they are leaving to me when they die for a whooping $600 a month. S I X HUNDRED. 3br 1bth huge fenced back and front yard. 3 porches. Huge attached garage. $600.......
He knew it was only a 6 month agreement. And that either I would be retaking my home, or the rent would be raised to $1000, as i would be taking $600 of it monthly and planned to use it towards a rental of my own. (My family and i truly helped him willingly, so he at least had 6 months to get on his feet.) I on the other hand, was fortunate enough to have my recently divorced bff of 25 years with an open room in her home, badabingbadaboom.
Truthfully, I was basically forced out of my house before I had a say. It wasn't my first choice to leave every bit if furniture/my daughter's bedroom set/ect...THAT I ALONE have purchased throughout the years, to my floppy meatsuit of an ex manchild who's idea of "hard labor" is mowing a lawn..but it was my ONLY choice. (That's another story for another day, lol. This one's long enough)
Anyways the 6 months is up, and it had come time to go forward with what was already previously understood as to happen...I should have seen it coming, given that he suddenly started to attempt far more communication (our child being his perfect excuse to disguise what was really going on....
.....and then THIS MF-ER...MAN.... My grandmother tells me on my way out after stopping by for breakfast, that my ex had told her unless they lower the rent for him, he won't pay the 3k debt from TWO years ago now (he promised as soon as he got his tax return, he would pay it) but now he'd need it to find another rental property......this 33 year old man....telling this to My sweet and kind grandmother, who is the a matriarch to my family mind you, she has basically RAISED this 33 year old brat since his infanthood (since he was 22 years old!). ~His parents were 2.5 hours away, his dad is an attorney in some podunk hillbilly town, and his mom is all the worst parts of the gossipy church women put together. They only cared about his younger sister and her two children, lol. So.~
I was floored. I told her something along the lines of "uhhhh I'm pretty sure that's a form of extortion????"
Anyways. I slept on it, and woke up to choosing violence. By violence, I mean I messaged the only thing I knew he "CARED" about, at least for now, until there's nothing for him to gain. I just wanted to make sure he knew where i stood really, and how careful he should tread with me now after hearing that.
...this girl was the other former bff of MY bff. She HATED me for at least a decade. "Frienmies" if yiu will. I had been told SEVERAL times around 6 years ago (ish) that she told our mutual bestie how she was going to "fuck my boyfriend, and get him to leave me. That he was her dream guy" LOFL ...and had witnessed/heard her myself FLIRT with him heavy and totally disrespectfully in front of me. Up until the day they boinked in secret, this girl followed all my social accounts religiously for allll these years....
You can imagine, I had some STUFF I was dying to let out, but I will say, I refrained from being an absolute c-word. I basically in the most passive aggressive tone, EXPOSED what my exs current game was with my family home and the mistreatment of my grandparents.
I told her to ask about his stomach illness he faked so well, had me so SO sympathetic towards him that I asked if he would just instead making basically double pay for the summer months (school district employee) and not taking off....to take off, an I would just work ot graves or whatever extra I could/did...and then how the DAY BEFORE our child started 1st grade, he pulled the rug out from under by creating a literally pointless 4 hours screaming match.....and leaving me, the house, the dogs, and the bills high and dry. No tummy ache to ever come about again...
Or how he had a disguised app with nudes and texts from women he cheated on me with or had fucked when we were in a slump/split. And how she's also in it.
And to ask the father of the year what his 7 year olds doctors name was...we used her since the 2day infant visit lol.
Or to ask him who's been the provider for our child's education since 3 years of age. Her insurance. Dental. Ect. (Hint: it's not him).
I asked her to ask him why he told me that she "owned her own home and was so independent and worked so hard to be where she is now" as a means to rub salt in my wounds while he forced me out if my/OUR old home in the worst mental depression I'd ever dealt with.....when that is not true because she cheated on her husband with multiple men while he was deployed and lost her Marital home in divorce. She lives with her parents and two younger brothers.
Why he was still.texting me and sending me his unsolicited or answered selfies to me.
I wrapped it up with my point of the information being that for my exs sake, I pleaded she encouraged him to don"the right thing".
I mean....I knew he was putting on a dog and pony show for her from day 1. He's a fraud, I learned that over and over. He will lie/manipulative/step on whatever and whoever without a care in the world, all while making whoever they choose to feel as if they're to blame if any sort of conflicts or grievance against them rose.
So I knew in my exes false reality he was painting for this chick was no doubt of how amazing a father he is, and how shitty of a parent and person I am in turn....
side note: ffs he even lowered his own vocal tone forcefully when j met him 11 yrs ago to disguise his godawful nasal screach
WITHIN 10 DAYS. NOT EVEN 2 WEEKS Of me sending her all this...
First text - him asking for our childs doctor's information for the first time in 5 years. Evidently they had a sore throat in the middle of the night. (Mmmmok)
4 days later - he is asking if we could discuss getting her needed dental work finished up as we've put it off for a while (he literally never cared the first phase lol)
That same day - he is pandering sympathy and attention because he's suddenly having stomach attacks again and he's got a colonoscopy scheduled and blahblahblahhhhhh.
I mean....literally the list of the shit I exposed directly goes on and on.....and he made sure to cover up each one down the line. Like. If that isn't "master manipulation".....what is? There has got to be a word for this oh so insanely predictable behavior lol.
Certainly. I'd hope the chick truly SEES what is happening? That the dude is literally whether subconsciously/uncontrollably covering up his actions because he knows deep down, what was done was wrong all around...or just creating and perfecting his own stage right before our eyes? Lol RIGHT?!
I just have to laugh at it all now. It's just a RL sitcom of disaster at this point. 😑

The mods of ProRevenge exercised their judgement that, fair enough, my childhood story did not constitute revenge. I respect the decision. Apparently it was crossposted to another sub first, though, but the thing was too dang long and ended up cut off. I will provide the full post here and give full permission for anyone who is able to, to post the second half on the reddit it was crossposted to, but I would only like to say first:
I only use reddit to troubleshoot tech issues since Google is down the drain now, and read BoRU posts on occasion. In general, I like to keep a very low social media footprint. So please understand that this will be my final word on this post. :)

This happened decades ago now, back in primary school. I only remembered it because I was recently catching up with old friends from back then, and we got to laughing over old stories and then someone mentioned, "The wildest was when you organised that whole protest against our teacher."
"The time I did what?"
The consensus was I did, indeed, organise the entire class to rebel against our teacher that resulted in her being deposed and our class getting a "substitute" for the rest of the year. I almost fell out of my chair hearing this story from their mouths. It wasn't that I didn't remember it, of course I did--that year was awful. It was just that it existed very differently in my memory.
Two important pieces of background knowledge to understand here:
I went to a very very small, very very rural school. How small? Each classroom was composed of the entire year level, and the largest had at most 30 kids in them. My class/year level was on the smallest in the entire school, with a piddling 14 kids in it altogether. While we still had our cliques and factions, our small size caused our class to be very tight knit and protective of each other. How rural? The school building itself was incredibly small, but one thing we were not short on was gigantic empty fields surrounding us on all sides. Great for sports, great for (it turns out) student protests.
I was, at the time, undiagnosed autistic. I mean I still am autistic, I'm just formally diagnosed now. But back then I was just seen as being a very quirky kid. One of the ways this quirkiness manifested was that I really had trouble adapting to the rules and structure of grade school and how it differed from what I was used to. At home if I wanted to pee, I just went to the toilet. Now I have to put my hand up? Now I have to ask permission to piss? Then I went home and put my hand up to ask my mom for permission to pee and she told me I didn't need to! Madness! Chaos! I don't care what the rules are, please just be consistent!
But one of the main parts of my brain and the way it works is that sometimes my brain, separate from my will, would just make a decision about a course of action and I would very calmly commit to it come hell or high water. Like, it is vitally important that I stay true to this course of action. I can't explain it. It's like I set a rule for myself and if something disrupts that, I just shut down and stop functioning.
So when the school said, "Okay, when this bell rings during recess/lunch, that means you have to leave the playground and go back to class", I was a confused child already struggling with all these completely nonsensical limitations and guidelines imposed on me. So when that bell rang, I got that calm little voice in my head that said, "Hmm, no, I'm good out here actually. I don't think I will go back into class." So I would just continue to sit out on the playground, playing with my plastic spider toys or sitting on the swing. Teachers would realise what was going on and come out to get me and tell me I have to go back to class, and I would just very calmly hear them out and then smile at them and politely as possible tell them, "No thank you, I want to stay out here."
They really didn't know what to do with me. I wasn't getting upset, I wasn't throwing a tantrum, I wasn't yelling, I wasn't being rude in any way. I was incredibly docile and would let them explain things to me with endless patience and then just politely refute them and go back to what I was doing, like this was just a very normal and reasonable negotiation between two equal parties. I have memories of sitting on the swing while three very confused and flustered adult staff huddled around me trying to bribe me with candy to go back to class. It would take a whole lesson block to lure me back to the classroom, and then at lunch the whole thing would start over again. It took me three years at school to finally accept the status quo thanks to a religious nutter I got for a teacher, and finally went back to class when the bell rang (was never happy about it though).
I eventually settled into school life. Excelled at subjects I liked, at least passed subjects I didn't, followed the rules, was seen as intelligent and obedient and was often liked by my teachers. Until my final year, when we got the teacher I can only rudely monniker Mrs Bigmouth.
Mrs Bigmouth should not have been a teacher. She had a trigger temper and would explode into long, verbally abusive tirades against us if we ever did anything she felt was disrespectful behaviour. What was disrespectful behaviour? Damned if I know. It changed day by day, depending on mood. You could disrespect her to her face one day and she'd laugh and say you have such razor wit, and politely ask a question the next and she'd scream at you for ten nonstop minutes then give you a week of DT for talking back. The absolute peak moment of her boiling temper came when she threw a dictionary at a girl's head because she was whispering to me in class. When I tell you it missed her by half an inch...
But believe it or not, this wasn't what made her such an awful teacher. It was so hard to get teachers at rural schools back then, there was almost nothing you could do to get fired, so we had experience with teachers with nightmare tempers. What made her such an issue was her big mouth. She used us, her trapped audience, as free therapy. She would infodump, traumadump, about her very personal, very private life to us. All day. She'd be two words into a spelling list and launch into an extended story session about her marital issues with her husband. We'd be heads down doing fractions and, unprompted, she'd declare to the class that her adult daughter no longer talks to her and then diatribe to us about it until the bell rang. She had money issues, a contentious relationship with her parents, her marriage was on the rocks. She once pulled me aside after school and spoke with me, at length, about how she was thinking of having another child to try to repair her marriage. I was like, okay lady, I'm 11, about to miss my bus, and my house is a 4 hour walk on foot from here.
We weren't learning. We'd hadn't had a complete lesson since the first week of the school year. We were behind on the cirriculum and frustrated. One kid had brought a stopwatch into school and would time lessons vs her monologues and kept detailed lists, and we would come to school each morning and do betting pools on them. What subject would she interrupt, what would she talk about, and how long would it go.
But all that still wasn't the breaking point if you can believe it. No! Still not! The problem was it wasn't just her own private life she couldn't keep her mouth shut about. It was everyone else's. Because parents would make the reasonable assumption that she should be told things as our class teacher that would be important to know, and that she would understand these things were said in confidence. Instead she would veer randomly off in the middle of talking to us about her horrible weekend to let us know whatever private or traumatic thing was going on in a classmate's life that she had been made aware of. That was awful. That was what made that year hell. It wasn't even about when my secrets were shared with the entire class against my consent. It was watching the faces of my small, lovely, supportive class of 11 year old children go pale and scrunch up with held-back tears as things they never wanted to share were announced like morning news. God we hated her.
Then one day that voice came. The one I hadn't heard in years. The bell ring to go back into class and that voice said, "But I don't want to be in that classroom. I'm not even being taught there." So I just... didn't. I didn't go back to class. I just sat in the playground in a daze eating grass (don't eat grass, it's not good for your teeth). Despite how small my class was, I don't think Mrs Bigmouth even noticed I wasn't there. Others did though. Come lunch and everyone came out, my friends asked me where I was and I said, "Oh, I didn't go back to class."
"Why didn't you go back to class?"
"Why would I go back to class?"
Lightbulb moment for my schoolmates. Yeah, why would they go back to class? What was the point? From a practical standpoint, they weren't learning. From an emotional standpoint, it was horrible to be there. A friend who had had her family's dirty laundry aired to the entire class just last week, things even she didn't know because her parents tried to keep it from her, asked if she could sit with me rather than go back to class. I just stared at her, vacant and confused.
"Sure? I mean, I'm just eating grass though."
Over the next few days, two kids turned into four, turned into ten, turned into the whole class. The whole class was doing a sit-out protest on the field rather than go back to class. Of course Mrs Bigmouth tried to do something about it. She'd come out, screaming at us and threatening us with DT and internal suspension, but six months of that behaviour had totally vaccinated us against her. I'd become the de facto leader and spokesperson of the protest by merit of being the first to sit out and also because I was well known to not give a shit (autistic brain: I actually just frequently had trouble reading and reacting with the correct social behaviour but it gave me a cool and aloof bad boy mystique I guess). I gave her the exact same treatment from back in grade one. I would let her scream, let her holler, let her threaten, let her spittle rain down on me, and then I would give her a sweet and innocent smile and nod in acknowledgement and say, "No thank you, we're going to remain out here." And thirteen pairs of eyes would stare at her in total silence. No one, not even the most gobbermouthed little shite in the class, would volunteer a word. The unspoken agreement was all negotiations were my responsibility.
The thing about angry people is that they feed off conflict. They get you angry so they can respond with even more anger and it nourishes them. She had no absolutely no plan of action on how to deal with me patiently hearing her out then refuting her in the gentlest of terms.
Another thing that ended up helping down the line is that we made an attempt to conduct our own classes. I mean, they sucked and we didn't learn much because we were kids with no supervision, but it was really cute in retrospect. We'd have groups of people assigned to subjects, with some people bringing in words they found in a dictionary for spelling lists and others bringing in old 6th grade homework from older siblings. The heart was there and it served a purpose, if not educational.
"Okay, but how did no one else notice this was happening? Surely people would notice 14 kids sitting on the lawn, not in class?"
Rural school. Big. Empty. Fields. Even screaming at us, the most other classrooms would hear would be muffled voices, and everyone was used to hearing her yelling at us or taking us out onto the field abruptly to make us do laps as group punishment. Plus the way the school buildings were arranged was that it was actually all in one straight line of adjacent rooms, and ours happened to be at the very end of the building. No windows faced the field we all sat in except that of our own classroom. It was just a very lucky arrangement of coincidences and preconceived notions, at least for a couple weeks. I couldn't tell you the exact number, this was so long ago and as a kid I definitely had a more stretched idea of time. Minutes felt like hours, especially during that year. But there was definitely at least two weekends that passed by since the "sit-out protest" started.
Eventually someone cottoned on to what was happening, or maybe Mrs Bigmouth humbled herself and finally confessed to her boss that she had lost control of a bunch of 11-year-olds, so we were called into the principal's office to sort this out. As the representative of our class, I was of course chosen to attend the meeting, flanked by the girl who'd had the dictionary thrown at her head and my friend who was the first to sit out with me. Since I understood that this meeting was one where we were probably going to be yelled at for doing the wrong thing, a thing I had ample experience of, I felt like the easiest way to mitigate things (especially since I felt guilty for being the instigator) was to explain in a very rational and logical way the series of events that led up to our bad behaviour. As well, for my entire life my mother had always taught me that it was no good complaining about things unless you were also willing to think of solutions. "I'm hungry!" - "Well, what's a solution to that problem?" - "Uh, make myself a sandwich?" - "Great! Let's do that together!"
So what did I do? Of course, to make things as clean and concise as possible, I interviewed my class one by one to hear each individual story of why they didn't feel comfortable going to class anymore, itemised them under categories (Verbal Aggression; Interruptions of Lessons; Oversharing Student Life) for easier discussion because my little quirky brain loved itemising things, and then as a kind of olive branch came up with solutions (we wanted to finish lessons unhindered, we wanted our personal privacy to be respected, we wanted to be able to catch our bus on time rather than being held back with unfair DT or long "chats"). So many things sort of came together in this beautiful, wholly accidental way. We had months of records of timed rants and monologues, noted down to the millisecond thanks to that kid's stopwatch. We had records of us trying to teach ourselves during the protests, showing this wasn't us just not wanting to go to class but due to us feeling as though we did not have a class to go to. When the principal heard all this, her jaw it the floor. A lot of it was stuff she knew, peripherally, but things had just never been laid out so neatly before. Some of it was stuff we'd complained to parents about, but it was one kid coming home and telling one parent one time, weeks ago. There was no real sense, up until now, the sheer scope of her behaviour. She didn't even answer us. She just said, "Okay, I need to call your parents."
We got the rest of the week off school. That weekend, every parent of every student came to a meeting between them, Mrs Bigmouth, and the principal. Stories were swapped. My exercise book with my tidy little lists and the records of the betting pool and monologue times were confiscated and brought into the meeting. I don't know what went down, but when my mother came home she just told me that Mrs Bigmouth would not be our problem for the rest of the school year, and more importantly, that she was incredibly proud of me and that I did the right thing. Rarely in my childhood had my inability to integrate into normal society led me to doing the right thing, so I just remember crying and hugging and feeling vindicated about, I don't know, just existing or something.
So yeah. From the outside perspective here is what it looked like: I, the ringleader with a history of dismissing school rules, organised a sit-out strike amongst my class. I kept the protest peaceful and non-disruptive to other classes. When negotiations with the principal were finally arranged, as the representative I compiled a clear list of greivances, with evidence, and a list of reasonable demands. I mean, holy crap, yes, yes I clearly organised a student protest.
The actual results of it are mixed. We got a revolving door of substitute teachers of varying quality for the rest of the school year, occasionally being bundled into other classrooms entirely when they couldn't find someone. It wasn't a great learning environment and we continued to struggle a lot, but it was better than before. Mrs Bigmouth was not actually fired but put on leave for the rest of the school year, then returned and was put in charge of a different year level (which happened to be the class of the younger sister of a guy in my class: according to him, she was quiet as a church mouse that entire year so I hope at least she learned her lesson, or at least finally got divorced and went to actual therapy). The entire ordeal caused our already small and close class to become really really supportive and like family to each other and we all remain in touch until this day. And we became fierce about standing up for ourselves.
I kind of learned to parse the difference between when it was appropriate to go along with set societal rules even if I don't understand them, and when those rules were just straight up unreasonable and nobody should be required to follow them. I did, years alter, lead an actual (very small) strike at work but intentionally that time. My mother was proud of me then too. :)

Actually, this is my final word on this post:
I am sending much love from across the internet to every neurodivergent person who saw themselves in this story and a possibility of how being out of the ordinary can also mean being extraordinary. You are fantastic! You are fantastic! You are fantastic! I will say it three times so you understand the importance of it!

I just binged this game the last three days and had a blast with it. I spent my first 6 hours just hanging around the spawn area and building up a camp as I was figuring out the game mechanics and was a little intimidated by the unknown. I went in blind so I was really unsure what to expect, I just knew it was a survival game. I definitely over stayed my time in the spawn area but after a few times of failing to maintain my sanity and having tribe sprits harass me, I wanted to make sure I was prepared for whatever was to come when I finally left the safety of my camp.
What surprised me and left me a little dissapointed was that it was just me vs the jungle for the entire game. Once I figure out how to maintain my requirements and treat my ailments, I never lost my sanity again. I thought for sure I would encounter a tribe that did not see me a friendly, or members of the cartel who were running their drug operations. But I never did encounter another human the rest of my game. Every location I found was abandoned.
And to me that seems like such an odd game design choice. How is it possible that a person who is searching for his wife who went to embed herself in the tribe which you previously researched and wrote a book about encounters no one after traveling many miles across the jungle?
Another minor gripe I have is that I felt like the objectives were not always clear. I knew I had to get the grappling hook but after spending many real hours crossing the map back and forth, I finally caved and googled its location. Not sure how I had missed it as I walked many laps around the gold mine area. And here I am discovering numerous points of interest as I wonder all around but none of the POI seemed relevant to the story line.
And when I got to the final experience, I didn’t know there was going to be multiple endings. I completely missed the omega camp so I wasn’t aware there was a cure I needed to find before starting the last trip.
Overall I’d give this game a 7/10. I enjoyed the survival complexity and the numerous items you are able to craft. Although it did seem like a lot of those craft items were either unnecessary or too time consuming to set up to be worthwhile.
I have played stranded deep and the long dark, so if you have suggestions on other survivor games I should give a try next please let me know.

Hey dude I'm going to keep this introduction short and to the point.
This is what I learned for youTube success.
These strategies work, no BS, they work, they work very well.
And I write this as I know you may be like I was some time ago (wanting to turn content into a long term business).

I’ve tested these methods on new & existing channels both big and small and even with channels that do not have English as their native language.

These can really make a huge, huge, huge difference in your YouTube success.

1. Audience Understanding Leads To Steering Success.

You hear a loud noise coming from the crew on the deck of your ship.

"CAPTAIN, ARE YOU THERE?"

"WE HAVE A SITUATION".

You make your way to the deck to address the noise.

“Calm down, you blubbering seadogs! What’s the problem?”

“I’m sorry, Captain, but we have a dangerous situation. We’ve entered deep seas, and there’s no land in sight. Just miles and miles of ocean in every direction. We can’t see anything. We urgently need navigation but we don’t have a compass onboard”

If you find yourself as a captain of a ship without a compass, you’re in a very dangerous situation. ~Similarly~, growing a YouTube channel without a deep understanding of your audience is like trying to sail the seas without a clear direction.

Your audience holds a treasure chest full of desires, fears, wants, and needs.

Just like a real treasure chest full of gold, this theoretical chest provides everything you need to reach success, whether that’s financial wealth or success on the platform.

I’m not joking; this is far more important than most people realize.

Why is this so crucial?

If you don’t know your audience, you don’t know what they truly desire. Those who can deliver on those desires will reap the rewards. During my time auditing and coaching, I found that most creators DID NOT deeply understand their audience.

BUT this information tells you nearly everything you need to know.

Here’s an example: before writing this post, I did extra research on YouTube creators.

I looked at Reddit, YouTube comments, and YouTube growth books on Amazon to see what the comments were saying. Here are the fears I found most YouTubers face:

• Fear of starting and not being perfect in the initial stages.
• Fear of not being recognized despite creating quality content.
• Fear of judgment and not being accepted by viewers.
• Fear of investing time and effort without seeing substantial growth or results.
• Fear of the ever-changing YouTube algorithm affecting their channel negatively.
• Fear of stagnation or decline in channel growth.

And this… is my treasure chest that allows me to help more people, reach a larger audience, and tailor my content to what people really care about.

What I’m saying is, you can do the same for your audience. This will give you countless new ideas, directions, products, services, and bring true value to the market.

But without knowing these, you’re trying to sail the sea without a compass, hoping to find land.

2. If You Have A Channel, You Need A Brand.

Running a YouTube channel without a brand is like serving a Big Mac without any lettuce, onions or pickles… sure it will fill you up but it's nothing to write home about.

Don’t allow your channel to be the plain Big Mac

In terms of YouTube, a brand is a channel that is known to have a certain style or cover topics within the niche which the audience enjoys time & again.

*Short Question*

If we lined up 100 people who watch your videos as well as other creators in your niche, how would they define YOU and YOUR channel?

Would they say …

"Love how concise the channel is—straight to the point!"
"The depth of content is great—I could watch them for hours!"
"It's alright, but I wish they would cut to the chase."
"Incredible! I've always wanted to learn this, and the videos made it so simple."
"It dragged on a bit—lost my interest partway through."

There are many ways you can create a brand, such as personality, delivery of content but whatever direction you go into, a unique brand on YouTube is essential because it helps your channel **STAND OUT*\* by creating a distinctive ~look~ and feel.

This attracts viewers and keeps them coming back for more & more. Think about some of the reasons why you love your favourite Youtubers, (the way they speak, the content, the feel, the pacing, the humour, etc) chances are because they have built a solid brand.

3. Entertainment Comes First.

Have you ever come across a YouTuber who's got a big audience and is doing extremely well and you have no idea why?

Yeah, me too! … & does it annoy you? Yes, me too.

Why is it frustrating?

Because there are channels out there that are giving CRAP content and yet succeeding.

You know the ones… I’m not saying anything here, but you know.

In fact, I would guess and say you likely have better content than some other creators in your niche and yet they are raking in the numbers.

But this is not only on YouTube this is also in business, it's not about the best product or having the best information.

It’s a big ~pill~ to swallow.

But instead, let's look at this logically…

Why are many channels succeeding that do not have the best content? (the best is subjective but here we will just focus on * the best* = most helpful, most accurate, most information, etc)

Most of the time when you break it down you will find that it's because they are able to entertain, and the simple truth is this.

Entertainment = value

In our modern world more entertainment = more value, which can lead to more viewers even if the content itself is not the best.

So whatever kind of content you are producing (even educational) the fundamentals needs to be around entertainment.

But through thousands of experiments, Its clear to see that entertainment is not always quick clips, funny sound effects and so on…

Entertainment can be as simple as a storyline that you can follow from the beginning to the end that resonates with your key audience.

4. Most Success On YouTube Is a Slow Burn.

You most likely have heard a bunch of successful stories and advice from people who have become successful relatively quickly.

Here are a few videos I found on YouTube.

· How I Got 1 Million Subscribers in 9 Months
· I grew from ZERO TO 100K SUBSCRIBERS in 3 MONTHS (& how you can too)
· My Life Story and How I Got 10 Million Followers in 1 Year
· Making $613,960 My First Year On YouTube

Now these are great videos, but they are also extremely rare cases.

This success can sometimes give youtubers the wrong understanding of success on YouTube.

Last year I hit one of my personal milestones which was $7000 (USD) within 28 days on AdSense alone.

This was accomplished over several years of building content making mistakes and implementing changes.

18 months before that, I was struggling to get 1000 views on a video, 2 months ago I had a few videos that have over 1 million views and Last month? Well, I sold the channel. But hey that’s a new story for a new day ha-ha.

But my point is that success is often over a long period of time...

AND THEREFORE, it’s wise to take a step back to reflect on things especially if you feel that you're working too hard or getting too stressed because for many of you who will be successful, it will be a long process over several months or years rather than an instant change.

5. Rabit Hole Content Can Perform Extremely Well.

In my desk next to my bed, I have a big red book of YouTube trade secrets & experiments I conducted.

The rabbit hole content is one of those.

Rabbit hole content is basically content that is made and after somebody watches the video, they go into a rabbit hole of content.

Examples of this include conspiracy. (UFO, ALIENS, ASSASSINATIONS, ETC)

Another example is if there is a series or a very engaging video that has been split into several parts.

What I've noticed more than anything especially speaking to other youtubers is that rabbit hole content seems to perform incredibly well. Almost like YouTube knows that *THIS VIDEO* will lead to people watching 10 more videos… well I guess they do know that.

With every other point on this list, I have solid data, experiments, and proof. But I aim to always be transparent, and I must confess I don’t have all the numbers yet to back this up fully compared to the rest.

Nevertheless - It has worked for many people, and I have not yet seen it not work. But because I don’t have the numbers to show (unlike all the others) I believe it’s important to mention.

6. Trend Jacking Can Lead To Crazy Numbers.

A moment ago, I mentioned that most success on YouTube is not linear and instead drawn out over a long period of time.

However...

For those who do not fall into this category and have had success relatively quickly they often find their success by taking advantage of trend jacking.

Trend Jacking is a clever tactic that you can use to grow new audiences relatively quickly based on a trending topic, situation, or person.

This could be a trend that is happening within your niche or a trend that is happening globally. Here are some examples that were big stories over the last 24 months.

· Johnny Depp Vs Amber Heard
· Tucker Carson Departs From Fox News
· Ireland Offer $92,000 If You Move & Settle On Their Coastal Island
· Japan Giving Away Homes For Free
· World’s Largest Wildlife Crossing Is Going Up So Animals Can Walk Safely
· Airlines To Give Refunds For Cancelled Or Delayed Flights And Late Baggage

OK so these ideas are pretty out-of-the-box and are not niche specific.

But let’s make it a challenge! (I’m regretting this already)

What about if we had a YouTube channel talking about ~how to live cheaper?~

Here are some video ideas we could create.

· Depp Vs. Heard: Calculating The True Cost Of Lawsuits!
· After Tuckers Exit, How Media Changes Impact Your Wallet?
· Moving To Ireland For $92K Is It A Dream Deal Or Costly Fantasy?"
· Free Homes In Japan: What’s The Catch?
· Saving Wildlife & Your Taxes!
· How To Get Every Penny Back From Airlines [*year*]

Okay these are not the best type of content for the niche but after typing out about1500 words, my mind is a little fuzzy XD - Please note that these are not the titles but an example of a type of content based on the trend.

But how about niche trends? (~often much easier)~

Jumping on specific trends related to your niche can be really effective. For example, I advised a travel content creator who capitalized on the "passport bros" trend. This trend is where men move overseas to find wives.

This trend was gaining traction on TikTok and other platforms, and by tapping into it, he was able to reach multiple new audiences. His content sparked reactions and discussions, which pushed his growth to a new level.
P.s - As an added point, if you are in the UK, check out *baby reindeer* which is currently trending.

7. Don’t Steal, Rebuild.

Pablo Picasso – “Good artists copy, great artists steal”

As a creator you are also an artist, it just happens to be that your art is electronic.

The saying highlights the key idea that true innovative artists (aka creators) don't just copy other people (even though I know some do – naughty naughty)

But instead, they mimic the work of others and transform it / rebuild it into something better.

Perhaps it is a type of content that you've seen very popular in other niches but is not covered in your niche.

Or it could be a topic that other creators have discussed, and you have seen that it has performed very well but it could be improved upon.

One Youtuber I have always found inspirational is Mr Beast. Not because of Jimmy's content but simply because he has worked for many years to perfect his art.

Here’s the thing…

There are so many Mr beast clones.

These creators literally copy his entire format.

This is not good as eventually people see the truth, and this will leave a very sour taste in viewer’s mouths.

So, what can you do?

You can rebuild but in your own image and in your own way instead of stealing.

Look in your niche, the style, content, delivery of content, time, pace and think of ways you can rebuild this content to offer you audience something even better.
Hope this helps you out =]