Cant sleep because of adderall

Basically that. There's so much that's wrong in my life. There's so much wrong with me and my brain. There's so much *wrong* that feels impossible to cope with, and no matter how hard I try or how much work I put in, nothing changes.
I don't recognize myself. I started treatment for my ADHD with Adderall 2 years ago, and it made things worse. I can't function with it or without it anymore. Without it, I'm pretty smart and funny but an emotional wreck with a hair-trigger temper and zero mental clarity. I spend my time daydreaming and getting sidetracked, perpetually overthinking, exhausted, overwhelmed by the simplest things, losing my temper, can barely hold a job for 6 months or make it through college. With it, I'm functional but an impatient, rude, unfeeling robot and don't care about anything or anyone that doesn't involve improvement/productivity. I can control my emotional reactions so not overwhelmed or losing it out of nowhere but I'm way too serious and insanely irritated just being around other people if they aren't focused on being productive. My life gets healthier on the surface but feels empty underneath. Until it wears off, and then I realize how alone I really am and feel morbidly depressed for a while then mentally numb. It's probably nothing to do with the adderall, really, just that it makes my situation painfully clear to me but I can't go off of it without my life falling apart and ruining my chance of getting out of this mess. Maybe going to talk to my doctor about something else but she's probably sick of me failing with every med and I am too. At this point no doctor seems sure of anything with me. Before I ever took adderall my temper was not this bad. I don't know if it's a psychological thing, like now that I know I'm not this incompetent failure I've been made to feel like my whole life, I am much more deeply angry about the state of it, or if it's the drug itself but I think I wish I'd never started it.
Either way, my social life is gone, what feels like permanently. It was never good, but now I'm either too anxious or depressed & convinced I'll ruin a social interaction before it even starts, so I subconsciously ruin it by being rude or distant or don't ever try... or I just don't want to/don't remember how to emotionally connect to people. I feel too miserable right now to have any kind of relation unless it's with a therapist. I deal with dissociation no matter what but I think my emotional memories have been damaged bc I can look at someone I do actually love and feel like I'm looking at a stranger. Memories of my son as a baby are all fragmented and emotionally detached. I look at my mom and have to remind myself that she's my mom sometimes. I think it's been obvious to my friends that I'm not really there and am just going through the motions so basically all my friendships have gotten weird or toxic and fallen off. Maybe I've never even had a real close friendship in the first place. I'm starting to wonder if I've ever actually been close with or trusted anyone. I feel like I "lost it" before I ever got a chance to "have it". Not even going into the isolated violent wreck of my childhood or battles with depression starting in elementary school but I don't think I ever had a chance. And now I have a small person relying on me to do better. And I am but I'm also not. I used to be a better parent but had an episode of manic psychosis or a mental breakdown or something that ruined my brain.
I used to know how to at least pretend to be myself when things got bad and suffer through work or hanging out with people. I could put on a happy show, be empathetic and motivated and engaged. Now I don't even know how to... exist around others. I don't remember how to fake it and I'm too miserable to try except for around my son. I've had two episodes of psychosis in the past decade. Both changed me for the worse. It took years to recover last time, and I'm not sure I ever fully recovered. Then, another one earlier this year. And now I have a whole life that I can't put aside to focus on recovering. I have a child who's being affected by my situation and mental health. I have a living situation that we need me to work to get out of, so I can't ask my family for help. I have to keep pushing through college to get a better job.
My family... basically we had to move into my grandma's house after I left my son's dad. I knew it would probably still be toxic, I left at 16 for a reason, but planned to keep my head down and work my way up and all that. I guess I forgot how bad it was. I'm 27 now. Without extremely strong boundaries, they will walk over me & take from me, so I have nothing left for myself. I tried to communicate my feelings for a long time and learned the hard way they don't respect me enough to take the conversation seriously or respect my boundaries, so I have to keep them in mind 24/7 and be ready to enforce them, All the time at home. That's hard when your mental health is crap. But if I don't it'll just end up in another cycle of overwhelm/resentment/confrontation/shame and blame/defeat which I've been going through for 2 years. If I ask for help they will but they'll hold the help against me and expect me to just be refreshed and motivated to do stuff for them if they help me. They don't want us to separate from them and move out or get my health/life together. They don't understand so I can't afford to be gentle with myself. And it makes me deeply furious and resentful. But I rely on them for housing(do pay rent and our own food/bills). I live in their house. See them every day. They don't ask how things are, if I need anything, how school is going, no normal family stuff.. Part of it is just how they are they aren't generally kind or caring people. That's whatever. The other part is just ostracizing me because I don't entertain their toxic bullying/gossiping/whining crap and won't play that game. They watch me like a hawk, and instead of being genuinely concerned when I'm struggling, they stare me down and avoid engaging with me unless it's to criticize. They make me feel like a caged animal. Any amount of concern on their part is purely selfish.
The part that gets to me and makes me feel hopeless is how they use it against me and make sure I can't win. They won't accept interactions from me or my son that have boundaries. Because I stopped putting my and my child's life aside to take care of them. I stopped accepting my role as the scapegoat/incompetent overemotional f*** up who couldn't do anything right but still cared about them no matter how badly they treated me after I realized they don't want anything to improve they just want to be taken care of/in control. I'm not strong enough to engage with them all day and keep my boundaries strong. So I mind my business and ignore their attempts to get under my skin, all of a sudden I'm being disrespectful and selfish, or they're "concerned" about my son and mental health... except they aren't really and I learned the hard way not to fall for it. If I make an effort to get along, or accept help, even a little bit, they drag me back in by asking about my life or my son, making me feel comfortable, and then projecting their absurd opinions/criticism, making me doubt myself while also expecting my days to revolve around them. "They" is mostly my grandma btw, but she's backed up by everyone else, and my aunt is worse in other ways. She talks about me behind my back to other family members, denies it, tries to get closer to my son when I'm upset with her, is really manipulative and toxic in general. I can't stomach it any more. I can't live like this. I'm sick of seeing their faces and feeling that horrible judgmental, toxic energy and desperately just wanting to be anywhere, anyone else. I'm sick of them acting concerned when I take my son out for the day, most of the weekend, because they know I mostly just don't want either of us around them but refuse to just let it be, let alone even consider asking themselves why that is. And I'm sick of the fact that it's NORMAL. It's NORMAL for people to take their children to the playground for the day or go run errands with them. I'm doing NORMAL things and trying to be a responsible healthy adult and they act like I'm being insane and childish. It's pure enmeshment. Every bit of independence is me being selfish. And it's worse because it's not just my grandma... her and my aunt and my mom and mom's boyfriend and my little sister are all attached to this dynamic of never going anywhere, doing anything, relying entirely on each other, just being toxic, letting themselves and their lives rot, everything is always the same and everyone has to play their part. I'm alone.
I need help badly. I know my family isn't 100% the problem but I have been trying so hard and keep falling down harder. I wasn't always hostile and hard to get along with. I take my meds and talk to my doctors. I'm open to and actively work on self-improvement and going back to therapy. I try to change my mindset. But I keep getting dragged back down. They aren't just, not encouraging, they resent and sabotage me when I try to improve. It's impossible to get better in this dynamic. I'm not mentally strong. I've spent 20 years letting them make me doubt myself and I'm disgusted by it. I'm furious. The years I'm spending now trying to work on my mental health and life skills and getting a degree/good job I also have to spend navigating this hell. I never had a chance to be happy. Or make it out of here for real. I can't let my son get dragged into this the thought is the only thing that keeps me going. but I don't think I'm strong enough to make it alone. Or healthy enough not to be alone. I'm so tired. My son, the only joy in my life and what I have to live for, is having behavioral issues, too, because my family treats me so that he doesn't think of me as an authority and runs to them when I enforce a rule or put my foot down... he's starting to refuse to cooperate with me on anything and it's transferring into school too. They encourage it and tell me I'm being too hard on him. But he needs rules and boundaries, he needs his mom. It's better for me to keep trying and learning than him run to them for comfort over not getting what he wants over and over again. But every single time I have to be the asshole who drags him back into a conversation or time-out while both he and they look at me like I'm a monster. Remind them to stop letting him do that. Try not to scream in my grandmother's face that she needs to get over the fact that I'm his mother and she's only encouraging this because she can't stand to see me succeed at anything. Let alone help me succeed. I try so hard for him, but all this has turned me into a version of myself I don't recognize and deeply hate. I can barely force myself to care anymore unless I'm angry. I love him so much. But I just go through the motions.
His dad is an irresponsible narcissist who tells him that he doesn't have to listen to anyone or do anything he doesn't want to do and then acts surprised about his behavioral issues. Gaslights me. He turns our son against me, tells him that mommy is sick and that's why she isn't happy. He's obsessed with making himself look like the "good parent" while putting all the responsibility on me for actually doing the research and parenting him and coming up with insights and ideas. Manipulating everyone around us to seem like we're working together meanwhile I had to BEG him to take something seriously for once and stop making every conversation about our son about his "love" for me/guilt tripping me for not wanting to get back together or give in to his manipulation... begging him to put our son first and just be an adult behind the scenes. I don't talk to him anymore unless it's about our son and even then I'm extremely short and refuse to engage in his fantasies. He regularly accuses me of sleeping around, not caring about our son, and other insane stories to fill in the blanks just because I won't open up due to him taking advantage of any amount of personable conversation. Everything with him is a complete and utter fantasy. Even talking about our son's behavior at school or how to work together on potty training he tries to drag me into a conversation about his feelings for me and how worried he is about me. I left him two years ago because he was emotionally abusive, controlling, and wouldn't help me with our son unless I was breaking down. Not remotely interested in rekindling that relationship or having a conversation about it. He knows if he tries the conversation stops there, yet tries every time, and then will eventually blow up and send me novel after novel detailing how much of a piece of crap he thinks I am. Then he'll apologize (finally, after years of it spiraling from there, he knows I log those conversations in case I need to for court) and act like it never happened until the hoovering starts again.
And it sucks that my mental health IS bad and I DO need help but I can't trust anyone around me to not take advantage of that.
I cannot trust anyone. Not a single person in my life. Healthier family members avoid me because I'm so miserable that it's toxic on its own. I don't want to talk to anyone about anything. I don't feel like I'm alive or have an ounce of sanity left. I'm not even a person anymore. None of this is fixable. I don't just feel like an empty shell of a person, I am an empty shell of a person. I'm hopelessness and rage and loneliness pretending to be a person. I used to be a person. I hate every single person that I know. I hate that I hate them. I hate that I pushed away the good people in my life because I am trapped in these toxic and draining but necessary relationships. I hate myself for dragging my son into this mess. I hate that my best option is to completely fake being okay with this groundhog day from hell until I get my own place to fall apart and heal. And right now I hate how impossible that feels. I don't want to live like this.
Anyway. I'm keeping on. Just... venting. After being silent and in my head for a while. Take it with a grain of salt. Thanks, if anyone read this far.

I (27F) have an older brother, 33M. We didn't get along very much as kids due to the age gap, not for my lack of trying. I never really understood why my brother didn't really like spending time with me, because he was one of my favorite people in the world, despite all his bullying.
For context, I'll give some examples of what my brother has done to me over the years with some vague age ranges of when they occurred.
When I was about 3, my brother convinced me that red was orange and orange was red because I was learning my colors in preschool. He also used to steal food like tater tots off my little high chair tray and would pretend he didn't do anything when my mom checked on why I was crying (I was NOT a fussy baby/toddler, so it set off alarm bells when I did.)
I think when I was 4 or 5, my brother came into my room after I had already been put to bed, and he woke me up. Thing is, he was hovering over me with a scary mask on, only the hallway light, and a butterknife. Not sure I really have to explain why that was traumatic. I'm still afraid of masks to this day.
When I was around 10-12, my brother kept drinking all the milk or kool aid that I would make and never replenish/remake it. I told him to stop, he wouldn't, of course. My mom was fostering other children and didn't have time for squabbles like this. So I very visibly spit on top of the kool aid pitcher and left the lid off so it was seen. What does my (reminder, 17-19) brother do? He wrenches the bowl of cereal I'm currently eating out of my hands, spits in it, and shoves it back at me hard enough that it spilled all over me. Now, I'm not an angry person. I'm not a violent person. But I was still a child and fed up with being bullied by someone who was/almost an adult. I never tried getting physical before because I was so much smaller, but I hit puberty kind of early. So I splashed the bowl back at him to see how he liked it. He threw me to the ground and hit me. My mom had to break us up and told us we were both to blame, so he didn't even get punished.
Several times, he would turn the lights off on me when I was on the other side of the room in the basement away from the switch, because I was afraid of the dark for a very long time.
We had Sonic Adventure 2 we shared. If we ever fought about something, or I reminded him it was my turn, he threatened to say goodbye forever to my chao. I am extremely soft hearted so that accomplished what he wanted.
Sometimes I would notice my things go missing. I had assumed maybe my mom put them away somewhere and forgot, but I'm pretty sure I know what happened to them. Especially gamecube games-- Those discs were tiny! He was pawning them for drug and booze money. One time he was drunk and admitted he had been selling his adderall for other drugs. That came to a head one terrible Christmas Eve. Brother was home for the holiday and I'm not very clear on what events led up to it, but my parents caught my brother in the bathroom with a baggie of various drugs that he was already doing. He insisted it was just weed, but my parents didn't believe that. I wouldn't know, I only briefly saw the bag, but it was full of both a large green ball of like leaves and lots of white powder. It was a vicious screaming match for a few hours. I hid out in my room on a different floor and played a video game as loud as I could so I didn't have to hear my family. The screams died down after a while, and I cautiously went out of my room. My brother had left the house for a while. I had a few holiday assignments and decided to just crank them out while my family cooled off, and I did it at the dining room table because that's where our Christmas tree was too and I desperately needed that good cheer magic. I was quietly writing, not saying anything, not making much noise, when my brother came back in the house. He stopped off at the kitchen for something and muttered something rude and belittling to me. At this point I'm a preeten-early teen and he had already ruined the day that had always been magical to me before, as my grandma used to stay over with us on Christmas Eve. She had died rather recently at the time. And I can't tell you exactly what I said. I think I've blocked out as much as I can. I made some snide remark, something like 'at least I don't do drugs' and in the next second I was yanked out of my chair. My brother picked me up by the neck and slammed me against the wall. I know I clawed and kicked against the wall as hard as I could. I blacked out, and I woke up on the floor with my parents absolutely screaming at him that he could have killed me. As a side note to the whole ordeal, he never apologized, and it's made my adult life a lot harder as weed becomes more and more commonplace. Just the thought of it used to send me in a panic attack, I could feel the hands choking me again. I've gotten better about dealing with it, but I still refuse to have it in any part of my life whatsoever. It's cost me a few relationships.
When I was in college, my brother had moved back in with me and my parents because his girlfriend dumped him for being a piece of shit that worked at walmart and did nothing but drink all day despite having a state paid scholarship, that he wasted, because he couldn't keep his GPA above 2.8. He was a music major. The classes he took were things like 'History of Jimi Hendrix' and 'The Beatles'. He just partied too much to even attend class. He took the dog they got with him, not at all prepared for her. The dog is a high energy breed that is difficult to train, and we had two small 5-10 pound dogs at home. At 1 year old, bro's dog was about 30 pounds. He often left for several hours during summers/breaks when I was home, without telling anyone, knowing that I would either hear the dog cry if he crated them and feel bad and let them out or that I wouldn't banish them to a crate if they were already in a room with me. The dog bullied our other dogs and bit at everyone. Dog was incredibly overly protective of my brother-- Trait of the breed. I was back at college for a few months and had spent a good month mourning the loss of a 5 year relationship. I never really heard anything from him. Then out of the blue, my brother asks me if I can let him and dog stay for the night (we live 2 hours from the college) because my mom had kicked him out. The dog had bit her and she snapped at my brother to control his f'ing dog and he responded by calling her, the woman who birthed him, payed for his other college costs, paid back loans he promised to pay to other family members, never charged him rent, and he called her a f'ing female dog. She snapped. While I agree that my mom was completely in the right to do that, I have too soft of a heart to just leave him with nowhere to go. He promised it was just a night so he could get in touch with some friends closer to home and figure shit out. I let him come to me.
I really regret that decision.
At the time I had a new roommate (she was very nice though, I liked her) and a sort of FWB who doted on me for a little while. I texted FWB and asked if he could bring some alcohol by-- I was still 19 at the time, underage to buy it, but FWB was old enough and agreed the man could probably do with a drink. We stayed out on our little porch area to make sure that we wouldn't be disturbing my roomie in any way while we socialized. My brother got really wasted. He told me terrible things about our deceased grandmother (who he knew I had really loved growing up, and had no idea about who she really was because she had always loved me). And he laughed. He laughed when he saw the discomfort on my face. My FWB was feeling pretty bad for me and suggested we go to bed because it was also like 3 in the morning and both of us had class in the morning, so we go inside. The apartment has a shared common room/living room, little kitchen area, and laundry closet. My bedroom is on one side and roomie's was on the other-- Both bathrooms are also ensuite to the bedroom. So I went in and changed out of my clothes into something comfier to sleep in and crawled into my bed, letting my brother do his own thing in the bathroom. I'm just trying to rest and suddenly my brother is pulling me out of my bed and dragging me out of my own room. He's yelling that he's taking my bed, did I really expect him to take the couch? And I'm not very confrontational. I'm flustered, tired, and honestly a little afraid after the neck choke incident. FWB steps in like a hero and tries to calmly explain that its my bed, and I will sleep in it, I have been kind enough to let him stay and he should not be so ungrateful. Brother fucking loses his mind. Starts screaming his head off about how selfish I am and how reliant I am on our parents and won't be able to do anything on my own as an adult (I was financially dependent on my parents at 19 while in college, shocker). He starts drunkenly trying to pick up his dog's toys and searching for his keys, and both FWB and I step in and tell him he can't go driving like this, after like half a bottle of fireball. He at least needs to sober up before he can drive. I stand in front of the front door, as my brother is still searching for his keys, and there is no way I'm letting him out of here right now. Brother has found his keys, and starts pulling at me and hurting me. Lucky for me, FWB had been a pretty good wrestler in highschool. He got my brother pinned down and I snatched the keys, hiding over by the sink in case I had to throw them in there. He's screaming his head off and my poor roommate comes out and asks what the hell is going on because she knows I'm very quiet and tend to keep visitors in my room. I'm like half sobbing trying to explain and the FWB, still pinning my brother, tells her that we're trying to keep him from drunk driving. My roommate does not play around with that. She was in nursing school, and had recently lost a friend to a drunk driver. I don't know how it worked, but she put on her stern nurse tone and told my brother that he was free to leave when he sobered up, or she herself would be calling the cops on him, and both me and FWB could press additional charges for assault. He reluctantly agreed to this condition and FWB let him off the floor, but sat in front of the front door just in case. When he was sobered up, he left, saying 'I hope you like mom and dad, because I'm not your family anymore'.
And that was devastating. I couldn't stop crying. My FWB went back to bed with me and laid me down in bed and let me cry until I passed out. He skipped his class that day to be there for me. I know I don't paint a good picture of my brother, but I did/do love him. I thought now that we were older that he'd mellowed out and we could be good friends like I always wanted. I mean, I made like 300 fake facebook accounts back in the day to vote for his band to be a headliner at a large concert. Just a few years prior when he was home on a break he introduced me to a TV show we binged and he let my lay on his shoulder. (I was/am very touch starved but paralyzed by fear that I'm annoying the other person, and all my friends were made later in life and are states away). When Pokemon Go came out we would take late night drives around quiet places of town while hunting pokemon together. We traded off the controller on online battlefield games and compared scores and the most ridiculous deaths. I really thought that he loved me too, finally, after years of resentment.
He didn't speak to me for 2 years. I didn't find out until later, but my parents lied for him on my behalf that he still loved me and was just annoyed, and gave me birthday/christmas presents that they told me had been from him, just that he was working. I really treasured those objects when I didn't know the truth about them. I got a really stupid mug with the first letter of my name on it in pink and zebra print (two things I don't really enjoy) but I used that thing every single day.
So, these are glimpses into my previous relationship with my brother. I don't really remember when he started speaking to me again, but I sure know he never apologized. He had finally hit rock bottom and asked my father to put in a good word for him at (insert facility with decent pay and good benefits but hard work), which he had previously rejected by telling my parents that it was a shit job. My brother's name got put closer to the top of the resumes. He got in. It wasn't easy work, or comfy sometimes, but it paid well enough to endure that, I guess. My brother used to be rather athletic.
Between the cut off point and then, my brother had worked at a (also generic job) a town or two over and hated the commute. He also happened to find a girlfriend with an apartment sort of close by. She didn't like having him over because of his dog, and almost never let him do any overnight. But now that my brother had a better paying job, she was willing to move in with him, of course. My brother bought a house in our home town and she came with it. She pays a ridiculously low amount of rent to my brother.
If she was home and brother wasn't, the dog stayed crated up because she didn't want to deal with it. Both of them worked, but her job isn't at all difficult. And yet somehow, sometimes pulling doubles, my brother ended up doing most of everything. My brother, who didn't learn to do his laundry until his 20s, ate pizza every single day, and had left used condoms on the floor of his bedroom in our parents house when he left. He did most of the cooking because she says she's bad at it. But will make pies for her mom. When the holidays came around, instead of discussing or rotating, they will always go to her family first. If my brother can come to ours at all. He often misses entire occassions (we don't go out big, but like, cmon. Hand your dad the gift card on his birthday at least, not 2 weeks later).
I also used to get to hangout or see my brother sometimes. Maybe once every few weeks, and it was fun! It was the friendship I had always dreamt of. Now I can't even get him to do anything online with me from the comfort of his own home. I don't have a single text from him this year past 1/27.
At first, we all understood. She was quirky. I was quirky. We share several similar traits and interests. I used to like that and be excited to have a family member like me, but now I dread the day she becomes family.
Let's start with the smoking car. Me and my parents were driving near his street so we could cut through to the highway, and out of nowhere, black smoke starts coming from the hood. My father tells me and my mom to get out and he'll get it to my brother's and out of the road to look at it and see what was going on. This was like.... early August. It was very hot outside. Since I've 'been in the house before' and 'know what it's like' I am 'allowed' to come into my brother's house to cool off. But GF refuses letting in either of them, referring to the messy state of the house. Which, okay, fair-- But its HER messes. My brother cleans up after her. I learned later that GF snapped at him about his family always coming over unannounced and how she has to hurry to put on a bra and everything is messy and we can't just drop in its rude! She says, as her mother and brother do the exact same thing, in a house she doesn't own. But my family let it be water under the bridge for now. My brother called me a f'in a'hole for telling my mom about the conversation. Because my mom was livid.
The next thing is my father. My dad's family has a pretty big history of strokes and heart attacks, and he's had one heart attack. My dad had been in pain all day and he finally gave up at about 3AM and woke my mom up to drive him to the hospital. I don't have a license at this point, so there's little that I can do. My mom says the surgery he probably needs isn't even done here and they're transferring him, my mom asked me to keep my brother in the loop. So I told him about this and about the time they would reach the hospital, because my mom dad gran and I share locations. I asked if he would take me up, I had a bag full of things that might make him more comfortable or less stressed. The hospital they're taking our dad to is a little over an hour away. Everyone is more or less frantic. My brother is talking to work for him, I'm making sure that for however many hours that our pets will be okay and talking to my mom's work. We drive there and nothing major happens, but it was so... Uncomfortable? Tense. The thing that's hurting my dad is a blocked or enlarged blood vessel that cuts off oxygen to the tissue around it, which, cells die, and you really need your colon, the area my dad has an issue with. The thing is, until they can do the surgery, it was like he was a ticking time bomb. My brother takes me home when visitor hours are over and I hold my dogs tight. The next day is filled with lots of pricks pokes and prods at my dad so we don't go that day. We do go the day after, Friday. My brother's GF is in the truck with him. I'm not really paying attention to much of anything because for all we know my dad could die before we got there. Brothers' GF goes to get some snacks from the long drive and the fact that she's not exactly family yet. My brother, mom and I rotate who is away in the cafe and eating with GF. I see GF and my brother whispering angrily at each other. She's tugging at his arm. I manage to pick up 'We're going to miss my mom's dinner!" And I am just stunned. Her mother has a small family dinner every single friday and makes meatloaf. His GF wanted us to head back from our critical father, because she didn't want to miss a weekly event. And I really have to hand it to my brother for not snapping right then and there. He waited until we were in his truck and out of the hospital parking lot and says "How in the f'ck do you say something to me like that? Like, for real, wtf!" GF starts crying and says its a family tradition and her mom is all she has left-- False. She has her mom, sister, and brother, at least. Her father died in a car incident that hospitalized her as a kid. So my brother snaps again like 'are you seriously telling me you value a f'ing loaf of meat over a life? we have no idea what will happen, my dad could die within the hour and i'm not there, he could die tomorrow, how long d-" And GF cuts him off wailing that her dad is dead. Which, yes, is a horrifyingly traumatic experience. But she does not get to play the 'my dad is dead' card ten years after the fact, to justify leaving our possibly dying father before visiting hours ended. She tried to emotionally blackmail my brother by apologizing to me through tears that this must be so hard for me but honestly I was doing my best to block it out, staring at pictures of dogs in hammocks. I shared my brother's sentiment.
But wait, there's more! Remember that car accident GF had years ago? You would think that, if nothing else, she would be empathetic for someone/their family in a car crash? You'd be wrong! I was rear ended at 60 mph right in front of my house after coming home from work (the ambulance took me straight back to work lmao). The physical damage to me was pretty minimal, bruises and a sprained ankle because my foot was pressed on the brake, waiting for an opportunity to cross into the driveway. This was late October 2020. Covid regulations were pretty strict. So I was alone in a room for a while and in pain. My parents had followed the ambulance. My dad had actually heard the crash and went 'huh she usually comes home now' and runs over after seeing the wreckage. My parents had the crash footage, grainy, but there thanks to the cameras set up outside our house. I hadn't realized it by that point but I had a pretty good concussion, and I was hurt, and scared. I was texting my mom constantly but my dad had left his phone at home in the rush to get my mom and she hadn't charged her phone, they'd been in the parking lot for like an hour and a half already. They promised me they'd be back soon, they'll just pop in and let my brother know since he lives nearby. My parents didn't even ask to like, stay and sit with them instead of a cold car. My mom asked to pee and to borrow a charging cable (they had one, GF has the same model phone) given the, you know, situation. My brother barely cracked the door to speak with them. He said no, because GF was uncomfortable, because they were waiting for their second negative test to come in. Read that again. They had tested negative. It's not like my mom would go near anyone to the bathroom either-- The back door that's used more often is literally inches away from the bathroom door. My brother didn't even try to argue with his GF about his own home and some empathy for someone else dealing with a car crash. It absolutely disgusted my parents. And later on brother told me he got another earful about our parents just dropping in without notice and its like? Excuse me? Its his house!
Unfortunately, a tire popped on my parents' car when we were nearby. It was like, 3 years since the first issue with the car. I went inside and asked my brother to let my mom in because its raining. GF did not like that, and didn't realize I could overhear her down the hall, arguing with my brother and his family again. I went over the next day to my brother and he was actively cleaning up GF's mess so it wouldn't be as 'embarassing' for her. I sat him down and talked to him as realistically as I could. I have depression, anxiety, emotional abuse trauma, agorophobia, and very few friends. But I'm okay. He started very quietly expressing his frustration towards GF. She doesn't do much around the house or contribute financially, lets her family over but not his, him doing most of the cooking despite regularly pulling 12s. I sat there calmly, because of course I knew this. This is what makes the situation somewhat even more sticky. I asked my brother, "Do you actually love someone like that? Or are you afraid to be alone?" He's been in one relationship or another for most of my life. Lately he had been confiding in me about how bad his mental health was falling and I was like 'that's not a slump, that's. that's depression.' So when I asked my brother the question, he hesitated. That spoke loudly enough in my opinion. But then I also saw my brother's face crumpling as he admitted he just didn't want to be alone. GF wants babies but my brother knows with her medical history and condition on top of being so lazy and bluntly told me she would not be a good mother and hopes to God that day doesn't come. He is so unhappy being with her. We both heard the rustling of a comforter and my brother lowered his panicky voice and asked me to leave so she doesn't see me here. That is incredibly messed up, especially since its his name on the house. I haven't seen my brother at his house since then, and that was over 2 years ago.
During COVID, GF started working from home, and it stayed that way. My brother still takes care of most things.
In the mean time, he's proposed to her. Yeah. I managed to save things when all our faces dropped at the Christmas dinner he announced their engagement at. My brother calls her by a nickname that was also the name of a beloved family dog that had passed away only one month ago. My dad and my reactions at that time were genuine confusion and sadness about him bringing up our passed pet. Everything was pretty quiet after that. When we got home, I texted my brother and told him that hearing our dog's name in conversation after losing her so recently shattered us, be we were, in fact, happy for his engagement.
I lied.
None of us want him to marry her. I dread the day that I get a wedding invitation or GF shows up pregnant. She would be a terrible mother. My brother is aware of the fact that my parents think she's a rude, inconsiderate brat that only thinks of herself, from that earlier conversation that I talked to my parents about. My mom snapped that they don't have to like her, all they were required to do was be civil, and we are, so shut up.
At larger family functions GF tends to gravitate around me. Like I said, we have similar interests and personalities. And I have never told her to get lost or had it in me to upfront tell her we don't like her. I am absolutely horrible at confrontation, but my patience is wearing thin.
Last year my parents set up brunch for Mother's Day. We were at the table when my brother called and said they were going to urgent care because GF had another one of her migraines that make her vomit. Which, she takes medicine and has injectable solutions. Some situation always comes up with her right before my brother would come to us.
My parents tried again with the Mother's Day brunch last week. On the day of, he said that he was too tired to come, can we try next week? Please insert the eyeroll of the century.
Because of our clear dislike, my brother doesn't often bring his GF around anymore on the offchance she lets him. It occurred to me that my parents planned the same brunch as last year, and I was dreading my question. "Is GF coming with us for brunch?" They don't know. All my brother did was confirm the time and place. The thought of having to deal with her in the morning and pretend that I don't see her for what she is, is already exhausting me. I can barely get my brother to even play online with me. I feel like this has been festering long enough that at some point, its all going to overflow at once. But I am absolutely disgusted by how she takes advantage of my brother's fear of being alone and how the world revolves around her.
I had a dream the other day, actually, it was a good dream. I was at their wedding, and the priest guy said the standard 'speak now or hold your peace' and I stood up and loudly shouted OBJECTION! Every single person in the room turned to look at me, one because I don't raise my voice like that, two my patience is vast, and three, to upset me to this level of shouldering my anxiety by making a spectacle of myself. I then explained every detail, especially how much she was charged for rent, that my brother admitted he wasn't happy, and I wanted better for him than to just be an ATM maid.
If I bring this up to my brother again, I may lose him forever. But if I don't, he may be miserable together. And on the third side-- Do I actually really want my brothers' friendship at this point? Like, I'm definitely fed up dealing with his GF like she is. Plus, I pointed out and reiterated to him before that he admitted he wasn't happy.
I am very, very quiet by default. Never got into much trouble. I was and still am a gentle soul at my core being. If things get to a point where I cross lines of polite manners and call someone out on their bs, people around know that someone did something almost unforgivable. I'm wondering if my brother would know that.
TLDR; Brother's fiancee is disliked for good reason. My brother has isolated. I miss him, but also never want to see him again. I want to remind him that this marriage isn't a good idea, but I don't want to antagonize him.

I (23 F) have been diagnosed with Bipolar, ADHD, and social anxiety for a few years now, starting Sophomore year of college. I never really agreed with the Bipolar diagnosis. I didn't feel like what I had was mania, though I did relate to a cyclical type of depression and periods of higher mood and motivation, not as much with the super fast talking or no sleep. I do get really bad irritability (just in general, but it gets unmanageable when I'm depressed). I'm also very prone to isolation, impulsivity, and rumination, and have avoidant tendencies. Since the start of the year, I've had 3 social outings that lasted a few hours each. I work remotely,and rarely leave my house.
​
For context, I was always very motivated in school and went to a really good university for an engineering degree. I recently graduated and I'm now a Software Engineer. As soon as I started college, the ADHD symptoms and other mental health struggles started taking a toll on my grades, which was really debilitating. At 19, I got on Adderall for ADHD, and was smoking weed heavily, and for a period I was abusing my adderall, which I now greatly regret. At the height of this, I had a bad case of persecutory delusions that were scary as hell. Typical "CIA is after me". I got off adderall for about a year, and it was so hard to feel motivated to do anything, and studying was very difficult. I was still having suspicious thinking, but I was smoking weed a lot less and not taking any stimulants, and it didn't reach a full-blown delusional state.
​
I finally started with a new psychiatrist, and today we had our second visit. I explained that I'm scared to go on an antipsychotic because they can cause cognitive issues and in my career, I can't afford that. He concluded that what I have sounds more like a thought disorder, along with a mood disorder -- He said it possibly could be schizoaffective disorder. He said since Adderall helps a lot, we could switch to Ritalin which has a lower chance of psychosis, and add on Vraylar. He said Vraylar is good for my concern with a lack of motivation, and fear of cognitive decline with other antipsychotics.
​
I'm scared because this thought disorder thing feels spot on. My whole life, my intellect is the only thing I feel has gotten me through life. And now I have this thing that is basically characterized by "illogical thinking". And it's true. In those heightened delusional states, I can feel my mind connecting dots that have no business being connected. And it's getting worse. And Adderall, the thing that feels helpful, may have exacerbated this. I'm only 23, I'm only just starting my Software Engineering career, and the thoughts that "I'm getting dumber" since I was 19 are proving to be true. I'm honestly terrified. I feel unable to function without Adderall, but I'm also scared that I'll just become more psychotic if I keep taking it. What do I do... I've been considering going back and getting my master's in Computer Science because I want to work in AI, but I would feel incapable doing it without Adderall. And now I feel like either way, this "thought disorder" thing will worsen and I won't be able to do any job that requires logical thinking because my brain is just broken. I broke my brain. And I'm only 23. I've always been an intellectually curious person, I feel so hopeless right now like what is the point of living this way?

I (23 F) have been diagnosed with Bipolar, ADHD, and social anxiety for a few years now, starting Sophomore year of college. I never really agreed with the Bipolar diagnosis. I didn't feel like what I had was mania, though I did relate to a cyclical type of depression and periods of higher mood and motivation, not as much with the super fast talking or no sleep. I do get really bad irritability (just in general, but it gets unmanageable when I'm depressed). I'm also very prone to isolation, impulsivity, and rumination, and have avoidant tendencies. Since the start of the year, I've had 3 social outings that lasted a few hours each. I work remotely,and rarely leave my house.
For context, I was always very motivated in school and went to a really good university for an engineering degree. I recently graduated and I'm now a Software Engineer. As soon as I started college, the ADHD symptoms and other mental health struggles started taking a toll on my grades, which was really debilitating. At 19, I got on Adderall for ADHD, and was smoking weed heavily, and for a period I was abusing my adderall, which I now greatly regret. At the height of this, I had a bad case of persecutory delusions that were scary as hell. Typical "CIA is after me". I got off adderall for about a year, and it was so hard to feel motivated to do anything, and studying was very difficult. I was still having suspicious thinking, but I was smoking weed a lot less and not taking any stimulants, and it didn't reach a full-blown delusional state.
I finally started with a new psychiatrist, and today we had our second visit. I explained that I'm scared to go on an antipsychotic because they can cause cognitive issues and in my career, I can't afford that. He concluded that what I have sounds more like a thought disorder, along with a mood disorder -- He said it possibly could be schizoaffective disorder. He said since Adderall helps a lot, we could switch to Ritalin which has a lower chance of psychosis, and add on Vraylar. He said Vraylar is good for my concern with a lack of motivation, and fear of cognitive decline with other antipsychotics.
I'm scared because this thought disorder thing feels spot on. My whole life, my intellect is the only thing I feel has gotten me through life. And now I have this thing that is basically characterized by "illogical thinking". And it's true. In those heightened delusional states, I can feel my mind connecting dots that have no business being connected. And it's getting worse. And Adderall, the thing that feels helpful, may have exacerbated this. I'm only 23, I'm only just starting my Software Engineering career, and the thoughts that "I'm getting dumber" since I was 19 are proving to be true. I'm honestly terrified. I feel unable to function without Adderall, but I'm also scared that I'll just become more psychotic if I keep taking it. What do I do... I've been considering going back and getting my master's in Computer Science because I want to work in AI, but I would feel incapable doing it without Adderall. And now I feel like either way, this "thought disorder" thing will worsen and I won't be able to do any job that requires logical thinking because my brain is just broken. I broke my brain. And I'm only 23. I've always been an intellectually curious person, I feel so hopeless right now like what is the point of living this way?

I (23 F) have been diagnosed with Bipolar, ADHD, and social anxiety for a few years now, starting Sophomore year of college. I never really agreed with the Bipolar diagnosis. I didn't feel like what I had was mania, though I did relate to a cyclical type of depression and periods of higher mood and motivation, not as much with the super fast talking or no sleep. I do get really bad irritability (just in general, but it gets unmanageable when I'm depressed). I'm also very prone to isolation, impulsivity, and rumination, and have avoidant tendencies. Since the start of the year, I've had 3 social outings that lasted a few hours each. I work remotely,and rarely leave my house.
For context, I was always very motivated in school and went to a really good university for an engineering degree. I recently graduated and I'm now a Software Engineer. As soon as I started college, the ADHD symptoms and other mental health struggles started taking a toll on my grades, which was really debilitating. At 19, I got on Adderall for ADHD, and was smoking weed heavily, and for a period I was abusing my adderall, which I now greatly regret. At the height of this, I had a bad case of persecutory delusions that were scary as hell. Typical "CIA is after me". I got off adderall for about a year, and it was so hard to feel motivated to do anything, and studying was very difficult. I was still having suspicious thinking, but I was smoking weed a lot less and not taking any stimulants, and it didn't reach a full-blown delusional state.
I finally started with a new psychiatrist, and today we had our second visit. I explained that I'm scared to go on an antipsychotic because they can cause cognitive issues and in my career, I can't afford that. He concluded that what I have sounds more like a thought disorder, along with a mood disorder -- He said it possibly could be schizoaffective disorder. He said since Adderall helps a lot, we could switch to Ritalin which has a lower chance of psychosis, and add on Vraylar. He said Vraylar is good for my concern with a lack of motivation, and fear of cognitive decline with other antipsychotics.
I'm scared because this thought disorder thing feels spot on. My whole life, my intellect is the only thing I feel has gotten me through life. And now I have this thing that is basically characterized by "illogical thinking". And it's true. In those heightened delusional states, I can feel my mind connecting dots that have no business being connected. And it's getting worse. And Adderall, the thing that feels helpful, may have exacerbated this. I'm only 23, I'm only just starting my Software Engineering career, and the thoughts that "I'm getting dumber" since I was 19 are proving to be true. I'm honestly terrified. I feel unable to function without Adderall, but I'm also scared that I'll just become more psychotic if I keep taking it. What do I do... I've been considering going back and getting my master's in Computer Science because I want to work in AI, but I would feel incapable doing it without Adderall. And now I feel like either way, this "thought disorder" thing will worsen and I won't be able to do any job that requires logical thinking because my brain is just broken. I broke my brain. And I'm only 23. I've always been an intellectually curious person, I feel so hopeless right now like what is the point of living this way?

I (23 F) have been diagnosed with Bipolar, ADHD, and social anxiety for a few years now, starting Sophomore year of college. I never really agreed with the Bipolar diagnosis. I didn't feel like what I had was mania, though I did relate to a cyclical type of depression and periods of higher mood and motivation, not as much with the super fast talking or no sleep. I do get really bad irritability (just in general, but it gets really unmanageable when I'm depressed). I'm also very prone to isolation, impulsivity, rumination, and have avoidant tendencies in relationships/in general. Since the start of the year, I've had about 3 social outings that lasted a few hours each. I only go into the office 4 times a month, and I order my groceries, so I really never leave my house.
For context, I was always very motivating in school and went to a really good university for an engineering degree. I recently graduated and I'm now a Software Engineer. As soon as I started college, the ADHD symptoms and other mental health struggles started taking a toll on my grades, which was really debilitating. At 19, I got on Adderall for ADHD, and was smoking weed heavily, and for a period I was definitely abusing my adderall, which I now greatly regret. During the height of this, I had a really bad case of persecutory delusions that were scary as hell. Typical "CIA is after me" stuff. I got off adderall for about a year, and it was so hard to feel motivated to do anything, and studying was very difficult. I was still having some paranoid/suspicious thinking, but I was smoking weed a lot less and not taking any stimulants, and it didn't reach a full-blown delusional state. For example, if I couldn't find an article of clothing or item in my room, I would quickly jump to "someone must have stolen it", until I would find it. I would also think a lot about the persecutory delusions from before, and wonder about them, but wouldn't really go back to believing them. I graduated last May, and a few months later, I got back on Adderall. It helped my executive dysfunction so much. For example, cleaning is a severe problem for me. I cannot clean, and my apartment frequently gets ant or fly infestations if I don't pay someone to clean for me. The adderall helps with stuff like this, especially if I'm not depressed. When I am severely depressed, it helps with concentration but I don't care enough to do the things I should be focusing on, if that makes sense -- basically the motivation is not there but the concentration is.
I finally started with a new psychiatrist, and today we had our second visit. I explained that I'm scared to go on an antipsychotic because they can cause cognitive issues and in my career, I cant afford that. He concluded that what I have sounds more like a thought disorder than mania, along with a mood disorder -- He said it possibly could be schizoaffective disorder. He said since the Adderall helps a lot, we could switch to Ritalin which has a lower chance of psychosis, and add on Vraylar. He said Vraylar is good for my concern with a lack of motivation, and fear of cognitive decline with other antipsychotics.
I'm scared of this whole thought disorder thing. I looked it up, and it's pretty spot on with my delusional thinking. My whole life, my "intelligence" is the only thing I feel like I've been good at, and the thing that's basically gotten me through life. And now I have this thing that is basically characterized by "illogical thinking". And it's true. In those heightened delusional states, I can feel my mind connecting dots that have no business being connected. And it's getting worse. And adderall, the thing that feels helpful, may have exacerbated this. At least from my understanding, its affects on dopamine are similar to the root cause of Schizophrenia and disorganized thinking, etc. And it is supposed to get worse over time. I'm only 23, I'm only just starting my Software Engineering career, and the thoughts that "I'm getting dumber" since I was 19 are proving to be true. Schizophrenics see a significant drop in IQ over time. I'm honestly terrified. I feel unable to function without Adderall, but I'm also scared that I'll just become more psychotic if I keep taking it. To make matters worse, after 2 sessions with this psychiatrist who was going to prescribe the Vraylar, he tells me he, in fact, does not take my insurance (he'd told me this whole time he did, but he was "mistaken"). It took me so long to find a psychiatrist and now I might have to pay hundreds of dollars worth of two sessions out of pocket. I'm so scared, what do I do... I've been considering going back and getting my masters in Computer Science because I want to work in AI, and you usually need higher education for that. But I would feel incapable doing it without Adderall, and now I feel like either way, this "thought disorder" thing will worsen and I won't be able to do any job that requires logical thinking because my brain just broken. I feel like I broke my brain. And I'm only 23. I've always been an intellectually curious person, I feel so hopeless right now like what is the point of living this way.

I (23 F) have been diagnosed with Bipolar, ADHD, and social anxiety for a few years now, starting Sophomore year of college. I never really agreed with the Bipolar diagnosis. I didn't feel like what I had was mania, though I did relate to a cyclical type of depression and periods of higher mood and motivation, not as much with the super fast talking or no sleep. I do get really bad irritability (just in general, but it gets really unmanageable when I'm depressed). I'm also very prone to isolation, impulsivity, rumination, and have avoidant tendencies in relationships/in general. Since the start of the year, I've had about 3 social outings that lasted a few hours each. I only go into the office 4 times a month, and I order my groceries, so I really never leave my house.
For context, I was always very motivating in school and went to a really good university for an engineering degree. I recently graduated and I'm now a Software Engineer. As soon as I started college, the ADHD symptoms and other mental health struggles started taking a toll on my grades, which was really debilitating. At 19, I got on Adderall for ADHD, and was smoking weed heavily, and for a period I was definitely abusing my adderall, which I now greatly regret. During the height of this, I had a really bad case of persecutory delusions that were scary as hell. Typical "CIA is after me" stuff. I got off adderall for about a year, and I really struggled. It was so hard to feel motivated to do anything, and studying was very difficult. Even when the depression was fine, concentrating was not. I was still having some paranoid/suspicious thinking, but I was smoking weed a lot less and not taking any stimulants, and it didn't reach full-blown delusional state. However, it was definitely still there. For example, if I couldn't find an article of clothing or item in my room, I would quickly jump to "someone must have stolen it", until I would find it. I would also think a lot about the persecutory delusions from before, and wonder about them, but wouldn't really go back to believing them. I graduated last May, and a few months later, I got back on Adderall. It helped my executive dysfunction so much. For example, cleaning is a severe problem for me. I cannot clean, and my apartment frequently gets ant or fly infestations if I don't pay someone to clean for me. The adderall helps with stuff like this, especially if I'm not depressed. When I am severely depressed, it helps with concentration but I don't care enough to do the things I should be focusing on, if that makes sense -- basically the motivation is not there but the concentration is.
I finally started with a new psychiatrist, and today we had our second visit. I explained my whole history, and my main concern being that I'm currently extremely depressed, and I have little bits of these paranoid thoughts, which I know get worse with adderall, but I don't want to stop adderall since it can be so helpful for me. I also told him that I'm scared to go on an antipsychotic because they can cause cognitive issues and in my career, I cant afford that. He concluded that what I have sounds more like a thought disorder than mania, along with a mood disorder -- He said it possibly could be schizoaffective disorder. He said since the Adderall helps a lot, we could switch to Ritalin which has a lower chance of psychosis, and add on Vraylar. He said Vraylar is good for my concern with a lack of motivation, and fear of cognitive decline with other antipsychotics.
I'm scared of this whole thought disorder thing. I looked it up, and it's pretty spot on with my delusional thinking. My whole life, my "intelligence" is the only thing I feel like I've been good at, and the thing that's basically gotten me through life. And now I have this thing that is basically characterized by "illogical thinking". And it's true. In those heightened delusional states, I can feel my mind connecting dots that have no business being connected. And it's getting worse. And adderall, the thing that feels helpful, may have exacerbated this. At least from my understanding, its affects on dopamine are similar to the root cause of Schizophrenia and disorganized thinking, etc. And it is supposed to get worse over time. I'm only 23, I'm only just starting my Software Engineering career, and the thoughts that "I'm getting dumber" since I was 19 are proving to be true. Schizophrenics see a significant drop in IQ over time. I'm honestly terrified. I feel unable to function without Adderall, but I'm also scared that I'll just become more psychotic if I keep taking it. To make matters worse, after 2 sessions with this psychiatrist who was going to prescribe the Vraylar, he tells me he, in fact, does not take my insurance (he'd told me this whole time he did, but he was "mistaken"). It took me so long to find a psychiatrist and now I might have to pay hundreds of dollars worth of two sessions out of pocket. I'm so scared, what do I do... I've been considering going back and getting my masters in Computer Science because I want to work in AI, and you usually need higher education for that. But I would feel incapable doing it without Adderall, and now I feel like either way, this "thought disorder" thing will worsen and I won't be able to do any job that requires logical thinking because my brain just broken. I feel like I broke my brain. And I'm only 23. I've always been an intellectually curious person, I feel so hopeless right now like what is the point of living this way.

First off don't do drugs. Definitely don't do addictive drugs. Nobody thinks they'll become an addict and be careful with alcohol. Don't smoke pot til college at least. Psychedelics can be useful but are often abused and should wait til college at least
The sober test was done a short time after I started smoking and drinking and to determine whether I needed resource education in HS. In 8th grade I elected to do resource education because I did it in 3rd grade but mostly because a couple girls I liked and a good friend were in the class. It was also fun. Because of the stigma associated with resource in HS I didn't wanna take it.
Sober Test
VIQ: 134
PIQ: 106
WM: 120
FSIQ: 119
The second test was for a court case. My attorney had gotten an expert witness to test me. I had already said to him and my family that I didn't want an IQ test.
24hrs no sleep, 2 beers some Adderall Clonazepam and Weed (legal Rxs)
VIQ: 124
PIQ: 85
WM: 111
FSIQ: 103
Edit: I was always a somewhat serious student. Okay with Bs and Cs if I mostly got As. The first test was in High School and the second in college. I had the same attitude there. I had a B+ average and a B average in college.
Alcohol and drugs have been a consistent problem since HS. Pills (both uppers and downers) Pot and Booze. When I quit drinking I started taking RCs. Mostly downers, some uppers and various use of psychedelics since early High School.
Work History since high-school up to post graduation have been housepanter, grocery, menswear, restaurant, non-profit writing work (part time), journalism (part time). Drugs have hindered my ability to do .more professjonal work but the pandemic also hurt it. I'm currently working with a job counselor to try to get back in nonprofits but I'm hiding my addiction from her
If I can't do it I plan to go back to community college for a paralegal certificate. After college I took the LSAT and got a score of 150 with <50hrs studying. It wasn't good enough for the law school i wanted but not a terrible score. I tried outpatient rehab last year. I'm very resistant to inpatient.
Edit: I have bipolar disorder so the amphetamines is related to mania when I don't sleep.

I have been dating my partner for about 2.5 years, living together for about 9 months. We've had some ups and downs- nothing breakup worthy- but we've both had some significantly tough times. Given some recent events in our life, I would like some advice as to whether or not I'm being realistic in terms of my expectations of him and our relationship.
My partner's Dad was hospitalized in January for a cardiac episode. He was released after 5 days and during the follow up appointments, it was discovered that he had colon cancer. He had surgery that removed the tumor in late April. During the surgery, they removed 26 lymph nodes and sent them out for testing. 1 of nodes came back positive for stage 3 cancer cells. The oncologist said his best course of action would be chemo to rule out any additional cancer cells that may exist before they become a bigger issue. He'll be starting chemo in early June. My partner is understandably negatively affected by this diagnosis. For context, his Mom survived breast cancer about 12 years ago, during which time my partner was her primary caregiver, but his best friend's father just died from cancer 3 weeks ago. The best friend's father went from totally fine, to diagnosis, to dead in less than a month. It was brutal. Partner's father is not in the best shape health wise, and quite frankly, my partner is anticipating a poor outcome from the chemo/cancer. I'm trying to be positive and supportive for the family, but it's taking its toll on all of them, as is to be anticipated.
As this whole thing has been happening, my partner has been going through it in terms of his mental health. He's struggled with depression and panic attacks for most of his adult life. He's been on an antidepressant for years. After his father was hospitalized in January, he was temporarily laid off from his job because of his poor work performance. The company basically told him they wouldn't let him return to work until he started therapy and got his shit together. He started seeing a therapist in February and started Adderall for his ADHD in March. It's been better in the sense that's he's more communicative with me, seems to be on a bit of a better schedule, etc. He started back to work on May 1st. Going back to work has been pretty good- he likes his new position and his schedule is much more consistent now, so that's good.
This entire time, I've been supporting our household financially as he completely drained his small emergency fund in less than 5 weeks. Financially, we are total opposites, and it stresses me out! I have 150K in savings/retirement, and he has only a couple grand saved and nothing in retirement. We've been talking about getting married, but in December (before this whole ordeal even started) we had a conversation where I ultimately told him marriage was off the table until he's financially in a better position, and he'd agreed to open retirement accounts and asked me to help him budget etc., but this was before the whole cancer- laid off- therapy thing even started. We haven't really discussed it much since.
Some of the other issues that we continue to have is that he's generally unable to remember to do any tasks unless I remind him incessantly (as in, tell him multiple times, text him, call him, etc.) Tasks would include: taking out the trash, putting away his vapes so the dog can't get to them, brushing his teeth, putting laundry in the basket, picking up his wet bath towels, etc.
The biggest one that bothers me is his lack of consistency after I go to bed. He's a night owl and stays up late, which is fine, but he'll (more often than not), pass out on the couch with the lights on, the TV on, the computer playing a video, food and drinks all over the living room, didn't brush his teeth, etc. I wake up naturally a lot throughout the night so then I either go get him from the living room, basically force him to brush his teeth and get in bed, and then have to deal with the mess/electronics myself at whatever ungodly hour it is OR just leave everything as is and go back to sleep. If I do that, I still have to deal with all of those things when I wake up at 5 am with the dog and get ready to go to work- she's a puppy who's excitable and it's so much easier on me if he's in the bedroom in the morning so she'll stay focused on me and I don't have to worry about her getting to his vapes, food, drinks, etc.
As a side note, the fact that his oral health is so poor is disgusting to me. I've already set a strong boundary that I will refuse to kiss or be intimate with him unless he's brushed his teeth at least once per day. He's a very touchy person that likes physical affection, so it's tough for him that I refuse to kiss him unless his teeth are brushed, but it's generally pretty effective in helping him to remember to brush them. At least, it was until January.
I want to be clear that our communication is pretty good, and all of the boundaries I have/expectations I've set are things we've talked about and agreed upon together. These are all areas in which he agreed and often he was the one to suggest that he needs to work on. I also didn't mention the areas I've agreed to work on within myself, but there are a few.
Given the things happening with his Dad, I feel like an asshole pushing him to be better with his finances, health, and chores, but I also don't think I can deal with these things NOT getting worked on for the next 8-12 months (the projected length of his Dad's treatment). So- what's the balance? How can I support him through this which pushing us to work on our relationship? Or, is it totally unrealistic to expect that right now? I know I want to have a conversation with him about our foreseeable future but I want to be realistic as to what I can/should ask of him. So- what do you think?
Edit: For context, my partner would like to be engaged by the end of the year. He'd been saving for a ring/wedding prior to getting laid off. I pushed pause on that plan because I was uncomfortable with his lack of financial stability and generally felt that he did not pull his weight of the household responsibilities. He agreed to work on these things before taking the next step. He still wants to propose this year, despite what's happened.

My girlfriend (F38) and I (M37) have been together for 3 years and have a 20 month old son together. Their motheson bond is huge, and it is quite apparent that they love each other. The two of us, as partners and parents however, are struggling.
When we met through a mutual friend in 2021 things were great. We could both say that it was the best relationship of our lives. She moved in with me 3 months after dating and was pregnant 4 months after moving in.
We both have some issues with substance use/abuse. I smoke an obscene amount of weed (legal where we live) and she likes to drink to the point where she has admitted that she struggles with alcohol addiction. (She also helped me realize that I indeed struggle with cannabis addiction myself.)
When she was pregnant in 2022 I was unable/unwilling to quit smoking. The smell bothered her greatly when she was pregnant and said that it was the cause of her unbearable heartburn. I did cut back, but not in any truly meaningful way. We had our first big fight while she was pregnant, and began fighting more and more, and in bigger ways.
She had birth complications in the hospital and the doctors trying to induce her pregnancy caused a lot of vaginal pain and trauma for her. So much so that she had to schedule a C-section. As a result of that trauma, we haven't had sex, aside from two times, since our son was conceived. (One of which was when she was freshly pregnant)
In fall of 2023 she was closing the bar she worked at and was chased to her car by a strange man. She quit working then which ended up placing a financial burden on me and our relationship.
In Spring 2024 she started a social media management company and started doing social media at a bar she used to work at.
In May 2024 we got in another huge fight and she told me that she wanted to break up. (She had said that before but this time she started looking for an apartment) I also found out that she was talking to one of her male friends who works at the bar and had developed an emotional relationship with him and were texting back and forth but assured me that it was never physically (which I do believe). When I found out I told the guy to back off or I would tell his girlfriend, and she tried to act like I didn't have a leg to stand on because we "already broke up." (She told me that she wanted to break up on a Wednesday, and on the following Saturday I found out that they had been texting about the possibility of hooking up. But the two of them had been texting about non work stuff and flirting before she actually broke up with me)
We both have traumas, her more than me. Mine are all relationship traumas from being in emotionally abusive relationships and being cheated on. Hers go deeper: her dad left the family when she was young, her late mother and her had a love/hate relationship, She was physically abused by a fiance, She was cheated on multiple times by an ex-husband, She had a traumatic birth complication, and she was assaulted (chased) by a man at night leaving work.
Because of her trauma and anxiety she talks to me in a negative and aggressive way pretty often. She always used to say "I'm from the Northeast, this is just how we talk." But I think there is unresolved trauma that makes her lash out at me. She also spends a decent amount of time out at the bar "working" but also hanging out. (I also spend my fair share of time blazing in the garage) I also think she may have General Anxiety Disorder coupled with lingering postpartum depression. She used to be prescribed adderall for ADD but stopped taking it when she got pregnant. Shortly after our son was born I found her a therapist to talk about postpartum depression, but she wouldn't follow through with making the appointment.
Since she stopped working in September 2023 (after being chased) I have gone into debt covering all of the household bills and her personal bills. I pay the mortgage, I give her money to pay bills and student loans, I buy all of the groceries, I buy her vapes, I give her a few bucks to grab a drink or a coffee when she is out, She watches our son while I am at work two days a week and my parents watch him the other 3 so she can do her social media job and project management job. I also feel like when we are home together, she is too overwhelmed and I end up being the one to take care of our son. (Oftentimes on the weekend she sleeps in while I get up with our son because she is often a grumpy/angry morning person)
It is also worth noting that I bear the brunt of her attitude. Our son gets the happiest, most engaging mother when they are interacting together. Friends and acquaintances get the cool, funny, laid back version of her (unless she is calling someone out for something social justice related)
She also doesn’t have a valid ID because she let her out of state ID lapse when we first got together, and doesn’t have her old marriage/divorce paperwork together to get a new one. Because of her anxiety, and my enabling, she hasn’t had a license for over 2 years. Furthermore, she drives my second car uninsured (sometimes after drinking)
The bottom line is that I still love her immensely and can't imagine my life with anyone else. She has expressed nothing but confusion and ambiguity for what our future holds. One minute she is talking about getting an apartment, the next she is talking about what kind of flooring we should put in the basement. She said that she doesn't want to see other people or anything, she just wants to get her life in order, and that she can't do that with me.
Has anyone else gone through anything similar? Any advice is welcomed.

I take adderall XR every day, and I've noticed some problems when I excercise on it in the mornings. If I do a workout or even walk too far in the morning, for the rest of the day my chest would feel weird and I would be way more anxious than normal, and I'd have a lot of trouble focusing. After exercise I'd become extremely restless and feel the urge to walk around all day. It feels way different than taking adderall normally. Then at night I'm be unable to sleep. This has even been happening when I exercise later in the day or when I exercise before taking the meds, I'm still feeling restless and more anxious for the rest of the day.
It's really frustrating because I love to exercise but I can't sleep when I do. I told my doctor and he said he'd never heard of something like it before, and I haven't found anything online. I'm only on 10 mg XR now, so not like a huge dose. Has anyone experienced anything like this with adderall and intense exercise? I really am mystified by what's going on and just want to see if anyone has had a similar experience

This week I wrote an autobiographical account of my history with sleep paralysis, RLS, and hypnagogic hallucinations.
I was not sure where to share it. I added it and deleted it from a few subs. The only place it ended up was the creative writing sub, though.
And this appears to be the right spot! There are several themes but the hypnagogia is the focus. So it's quite long and probably no one reads it and that's fine. I just wanted to find somewhere to put it in case my experience could benefit someone.
⚠️ ⚠️ WARNING first part is scary and a bit gory... ⚠️ ⚠️

Childhood

The first time that I encountered sleep paralysis was when I was nine or ten. I woke up screaming, my mind gripped with the sensation of searing pain radiating from my left big toe. Though my mouth wasn't moving, I could hear my own blood-curdling cries, echoing through the darkness. An eerie orange glow spilled into the room, illuminating a sinister cauldron at the base of my bed, around which stood three squat witches. Their dark, smoky faces shifted and morphed constantly, eyes glowing red like embers recessed deeply into the shadows of their crawling flesh, jagged teeth gnashing along with their discordant laughter as roaches crawled from their mouths and disappeared into their black straw hair.
Each witch held their own dainty knife and fork, shaking along with their trembling bony hands, and one was slicing expertly down the center of my big toe with the impossibly sharp blade of their knife. I struggled to move my arms and legs, feeling as though I had freedom of movement, but my physical body remained paralyzed. Unfathomable terror washed over me as I realized that I couldn't scream for help; my mom wouldn't hear me, and I was powerless to stop these witches from feasting on my toes.
I lay there, unable to break free from the oppressive paralysis, forced to endure the excruciating pain as my toes were sliced off and consumed. The air buzzed with the witches' terrifying, joyous laughter, as if they delighted in my agony more than the taste of my flesh. Eventually, my body in a full state of terror jarred itself awake, heart beating more wildly than I had ever experienced, my lungs struggling to gasp more than the tiniest breath. After perhaps a full minute of gathering myself, I drew a deep breath and screamed into the night.
My mother came, of course, but was unable to understand the depth and terror of my experience. Her own reality did not include anything close; for her, it was an exaggeration born of childhood fear, and she became exasperated after a time with my refusal to admit that it was a dream, despite being an extremely caring parent.
The witches appeared to me several times between the ages of 10 and 15, their ghastly faces returning to torment me with each episode of sleep paralysis. Every time, I would be trapped in that terrifying limbo, my body frozen while my mind drowned itself in screams of agony and horror. I knew that they would feast on my toes, the slicing of their knives relentless, inexorable. They would smack their lips and toast each other with my blood-covered flesh as I watched.
During those years, restless legs syndrome (RLS) also began to plague my nights. As soon as I began to drift off to sleep, a discomfort would arise in my legs, like there was a swarm of fat round beetles exploring, searching for an exit. A quick kick would settle it down, but it would rise again in a cycle of building tension, acutely uncomfortable climax, and brief relief of a second or two would follow before it began again. My mother, again meaning well but busy and unfamiliar with RLS, told me it was leg cramps and made me eat more banannas. This didn't help.
It became an increasing problem, stealing precious sleep that my young body needed to thrive. The frustration of RLS merged with the terror of a potential visit from the witches. Without medication, I would lose entire nights to the relentless discomfort.
By the age of 15, the sleep paralysis episodes had occurred at least 10 times, each leaving me with the gut-wrenching memory of being eaten alive that I would carry all the next day in my gut like a sack of bricks. As I lay sleeping, every single night, I wondered if they would visit, and braced myself for an encounter.

Early adulthood:

I can't remember how many times the witches visited before I finally stopped panicking. It was after countless God awful nights when I finally accepted that no matter how terrifying or painful the ordeal felt, I would be whole once it was over. I had survived the agony a hundred times before and could endure it again. One night, when the eerie glow of the cauldron illuminated their shifting faces, I felt a calm settle over me. I saw the witches, but for the first time, I wasn't afraid.
They noticed my defiance, their laughter fading into an uneasy silence. Without fanfare, they stood up, collected their cauldron, and retreated into the darkness of my room. Though I still saw them occasionally at the foot of my bed, they became more present than threatening. Sometimes, at the start of an episode, they'd appear briefly before disappearing altogether. They had become inconsequential, and I couldn't even be sure if they were there half the time.
In my early 20s, I discovered that I could almost guarantee a bout of sleep paralysis simply by sleeping during the day. At first, nothing particularly unusual happened, but the paralysis always returned whenever I dozed off, particularly between the hours of 11am and 2pm. I was often sleeping during the day because by then, the restless legs syndrome (RLS) had grown so severe that many nights passed without sleep at all. My body felt like it was full of angry snakes now instead of beetles, desperate to escape. The sensation soon crept upward from my legs to my arms. The cycles of build up, climax, and agonizly brief relief increased in frequency and magnitude. I would often resort to sitting in the shower, flipping the water from icy cold to scalding hot all night, simply to keep myself alert enough to avoid the twitching and spasming until the blessed relief of dawn arrived.
With the daytime paralysis came a variety of hallucinations. Sometimes the witches stood at the foot of my bed, other times they'd disappear, leaving behind benign apparitions like tickling gnomes. There was nothing threatening about these visions, and I began to find a strange sense of comfort in them. I would relax into a dark place where I felt my own energy burning like a sun, present but without physical form. In this state, I felt euphoric, fully aware yet separate from myself. I started taking naps during the day and eagerly anticipated this odd experience.
Yet at night, my sleep remained troubled as RLS tormented me. Eventually, I began taking ropinirole to manage the symptoms, and it brought much-needed relief, helping me reclaim my nights and giving me several years of mostly not worrying about RLS unless I forgot to take my medicine, or the odd night where it bothered me but was still less severe.

New experiences:

I spent several years relishing those euphoric moments of peace, where I could feel the pure energy of being alive without a personal history or identity. In those moments, everything else faded away, and all that remained was a brilliant, infinite energy. My waking life was absorbed by study of comtemporary and historical teachings of non-duality, and with my family and progressing my career as a software developer. I was absorbing Eckhart Tolle and Gautama, Meister Eckhart and Seuhn Sang and integrating their teachings into my daily life. The feeling inside of me that reality ultimately made no sense had found an expression, and I dug in every waking moment for a clue as to the true nature of experience. Given this context, I especially looked forward to and found solace in the experience of being impersonal, boundless energy.
In my late 20s, I also experienced a new type of sleep paralysis hallucination. One day it began that there were no visions or hallucinations; instead, I simply lay in a state of paralysis, aware of the room as a darkened and monochrome version of itself. I entertained myself by trying to move my arms and legs against the paralysis, and developed the idea that I had two bodies; my physical body lay on the bed, while my energetic body struggled and flailed. It was like my energy body could move separately, creating a phantom limb sensation. I felt my energy arms and legs extend out, yet my physical body lay still. As my energy body reached further from my physical self, it would snap back as if held by a rubber band.
Intrigued, I began experimenting with this phenomenon, managing to build enough momentum to "pop" out of my body one afternoon. Suddenly, I found myself looking down at my own sleeping form, resting on my back and breathing gently beside my wife, who was playing a game (probably Candy Crush) on her phone in the bed. It was surreal, and I wasn't sure whether I was hallucinating or truly perceiving my own body from a different perspective. Regardless, it was a revelation, and I felt a new sense of exploration as I gazed down at myself.
That first time, I found myself drifting through the house, checking on my two young stepdaughters as they slept. I had recently married, and it was a quiet weekend afternoon with everyone napping peacefully. Once satisfied, I ventured outside, where I took to the sky and flew around the neighborhood, spying on my neighbors. Though it felt like I was limited in speed, I seemingly had no constraints on the continuity of this hallucination. Everything appeared as a perfect physical representation of Earth, and I could travel without interruption.
The landscape was strikingly accurate, but it appeared in monochrome hues — grays, blacks, and whites — with no bright colors. Letters and numbers were unreadable, reduced to blurred nonsense. Despite these distortions, the sensation of soaring above the rolling hills and rooftops was pure euphoria. I sped along at hundreds of miles per hour, basking in the freedom of movement, and immersed in the stunning view that stretched out below me. There did seem to be some sort of very generous limit to how far I could travel, but I thoroughly explored within the boundaries for hundreds of miles around my home.
Over the years into my early 30s, I tried to pursue this opportunity of flight and exploration every chance I could. But during that time, my restless legs syndrome also became more relentless. In the past, no matter how agonizing the night had been, dawn would bring relief like a cold bath washing over me. I would sit outside and watch the sunrise, and the sensation of snakes slithering through my body would finally calm down, perhaps due to circadian rhythms and dopamine regulation. The cycles now began to climax in totally involuntary movement, spasms that caused me to tense my whole body and draw in a sharp breath every time. It would be 5 seconds of rapid buildup, spasm, a second or two of relief, repeat.
Eventually, even the dawn failed to provide respite, and I struggled during night or day whenever I relaxed too long or became even a bit drowsy. Napping became impossible, depriving me of the euphoric dreams I had learned to look forward to. I switched from ropinirole to pramipexole, hoping for relief. The medication helped me sleep five or six hours a night on good nights, but I still missed one or two nights of sleep entirely each week and rarely could nap during the day, because I took the medicine only a couple hours before bed.
Even though my restless legs syndrome worsened, one out of every ten times, I'd still manage to avoid twitching and drift into that state of peaceful paralysis during the day when I dozed off involuntarily. I gradually lost interest in pursuing out-of-body travel and instead sought every time the burning energy of the sun inside of me — the sensation of being infinitely powerful and formless simultaneously. I would retreat into this boundless feeling whenever I had the opportunity.
During these rare occasions when I could sleep during the day, I stumbled across a third type of experience. It felt like I was being sucked into space at impossible speeds, zooming past the planets of our solar system and beyond until I reached a darker patch of space. This spot seemed like a vast, corrugated sewer pipe that swallowed me whole. I rocketed through the universe, traveling at what could only be the speed of light. Eventually, I would break into the atmosphere of some unknown world, drifting down to its surface sometimes, others crashing painfully into terrain. Sometimes, I would hear a loud sound like an explosion in mid travel, and suddenly aterialize on another distant world without any sort of entrace.
These journeys were exhilarating, and each new landscape presented a mystery, revealing worlds unlike anything I'd ever seen.

The Traveling Years:

One of the first journeys I had involved zipping through space before drifting down through a hole in the top of a greenhouse. The world was painted in shades of orange and brown, its dirt swirling in powerful winds like clay cyclones. The greenhouse itself was dirty and grimy, almost opaque with crusted dirt, and filled with dense green plants — ivy and other dark green foliage that covered every inch inside. Outside, the orange sky churned with the swirling clay, making visibility nearly impossible.
I made my way down a ladder and emerged outside, where I found a man and a boy standing beside a white pinto horse. They both wore hardened leather over rough potato sack-like clothing, their long hair dotted with bone jewelry, their noses and eyebrows profusely pierced with other fragments of bone adorned with feathers. The man seemed to be instructing the boy on something to do with the horse. I approached them cautiously, fully aware of my lucid dreaming state and retaining all my memories, reasoning, and thoughts. Everything about the scene was vivid, from the clay dust swirling around to the squinting struggle to see in the wind.
Unlike the man and the boy, I had no long hair, no mouth covering, and no leather visor shielding my face from the swirling clay-dust. As I tried to speak, it seemed like they couldn’t hear me, and I wondered if I might be invisible to them. Unconcerned, I reached out to pat the horse on its nose, but before I could make contact, the man swiftly drew a long knife from his belt and stabbed me. He struck again, and the intense pain and feeling of my own scalding hot blood streaming down my pants legs snapped me awake.
Not long after my experience in the greenhouse, I found myself learning more about the worlds I could explore, though the opportunities remained rare. One day, I was transported to a beautiful blue tropical world, crashing into the dunes of a pristine white beach. There, I encountered three women, each towering over me at seven or eight feet tall. Their long black hair framed their pale faces, with blood-red lips striking against their alabaster skin. But what stood out most were their fingernails — long and crimson, curling back upon themselves dozens of times like spiraling ribbons. They were two or three feet in length and added a surreal menace to their presence.
They asked me my name and the name of my father, along with other odd questions, and seemed absolutely intriqued with me. There was a certain sort of heavy molasses quality to their voices that was more than sound and impossible to describe. It had the effect of making me feel drowsy and stupid and slow to move.
As I stood there, they began touching me with their nails, tracing them across my body in elaborate, almost ritualistic patterns. I felt my energy drain with every stroke, a profound exhaustion seeping into my core. The sensation was so intense that I woke up feeling completely drained, my limbs heavy and my spirit sapped.
Another time, I appeared without explanation after my space travel in a cavern brimming with glowing fungi and luminescent crystals. I wasn't myself in this world but instead had taken the place of someone else. My father stood beside me, guiding me through the luminous landscape. He taught me how to identify the bizarre and fascinating flora surrounding us — lessons that etched themselves into my mind and last to this day despite the surreal, made-up nature of this world. The glowing crystals and fungi cast eerie shadows across the cavern walls as my father explained the properties and uses of each.
In real life, these experiences would last for about five to eight minutes, but in the dream realm, the passage of time was different. What seemed like mere minutes could stretch into hours or even days, and in rare cases, the dreams spanned much longer.

RLS becomes terrible:

I had a new busy career, an infant daughter, two active growing stepdaughters, and a wife with a hectic job, and I struggled hard through the years between 35 and 39. Each night was pure torture, as restless leg syndrome robbed me of sleep. Days of sleep deprivation left me barely functioning, often teetering on the edge of collapse while the disease gnawed away. The unrelenting discomfort made it impossible to fall asleep, even as my body craved rest. I had no choice but to continue, as I had yet to find a doctor that knew how to move past the ropinirole and pramipexole stage of treatment, and these medicines had almost entirely ceased to be effective for me. My love for my family drove me to conceal the intense effort that day to day living had become. I managed to keep up with my career by farming a prescription for Adderall. I don't have ADHD, so it had the effect on me of methamphetamine and allowed me to push through the God awful existence that life had become.
The toll became overwhelming. I couldn't escape the agony, even after days of desperate attempts to sleep. More than once, I ended up in the emergency room after going four or five nights without sleep. For some people, this will seem like an exaggeration; I assure you, it is not. I would be nonsensical, having conversations with people tha weren't in the room, drifting in and out of intense 1 second dreams before snapping awake with painful spasms. At the hospital, they would give me percocet, and the painkillers provided brief reprieve from RLS for some reason, allowing me one solid night’s sleep, but the relentless cycle quickly resumed, leaving me struggling once again.
Eventually, I found a neurologist who prescribed Neupro patches that provided temporary relief. For a few months, I managed to sleep more consistently, but the patches quickly lost their effectiveness. It wasn't until I added methadone to the treatment that I finally found more lasting relief.
During those difficult years, I immersed myself in non-dual philosophy. In that crucible of suffering, my conviction solidified: my true nature was more aligned with the energy hallucinations I experienced than with a body made of skin, bone, and brain. That transcendent energy, more real and enduring than the physical form I occupied, became my identity in daily life, watching peacefully as my body and brain navigated the situational complexity of life.
Approaching my 40th birthday, I found that I could sleep at night and dream during the day. My life was in good shape, I lost 60 pounds without effort, and I felt fundamentally and imperturbably peaceful. Suddenly, life was in the palm of my hands, every moment pristine and still and perfect. I felt weightless without the burden of needing to endure trauma every night.
Most importantly to this story, I worked from home and could nap on my lunch breaks.

Rapid learning through iteration:

Rarely, I would fail to nap at all due to RLS. Sometimes I would simply doze off and wake up 10 minutes later to my cell phone alarm. But three out of five times, I would travel.
I visited dozens of worlds in a matter of a few short months and quickly was able to confirm some rules that I had suspected were true from my previous adventures.
One rule is that no one I know in real life ever shows up in the travelling dreams. No matter the place or circumstance or strange beings that I encountered, there was never a familiar face.
Another rule was that no dream person ever had a name or a father. The absence of both seemed to be an unspoken universal truth among these dream world inhabitants. Once I had internalized the significance of this, I began introducing myself to most beings that I encountered as "John, son of Michael." It left a strong impression. My name and lineage seemed to set me apart, bestowing an almost mythical quality upon me that earned me a peculiar reverence among all that I met. This knowledge became the key to navigating the dream worlds with confidence and a consistent purpose of discovery.
I learned accidentally of a unique ability during my travels: a form of telekenesis that allowed me to project force from the palms of my hands. This development led to many episodes of paralysis spent ignoring exploration and instead hilariously and painfully attempting to master this ability for the purpose of travel. Over time, I refined my skill, learning to fly much like Iron Man, but solely through the focused propulsion from my hands. Without stabilization from my feet, I had to carefully control the angle of projection and the amount of force applied to control my trajectory and speed.
Mastering this ability took significant practice, but eventually, I could navigate obstacles with ease and travel great distances in short amounts of time. I also no longer crash landed, thankfully. Importantly, I could harness this power to overcome any threatening beings that I encountered. Previously, my best option was to hide or flee, and that did not always work out. Now I had this amazing sense of fearlessness and confidence that simply cannot be rivaled by real world experience. Every time I heard the buzzing sounds and felt the WUM WUM WUM of energy as I prepared to launch into space, I embraced the journey with eager anticipation, confident in my ability to protect myself and learn about whatever strange world awaited me.

To Present Day:

As I grew more confident in my ability to travel almost at will, I began to incorporate spirituality into my experimentation. One day, on a whim, I expressed to the universe that if there were a being that had my best interests at heart and loved me fully, then I gave them permission to guide my dreams and lead me to greater truths, even if they were uncomfortable. This openness led to a new experience immediately, and I began to preface many of my journeys with a similar, simple prayer.
That first time, I fell down instead of up -- into myself, into the infinite dimensionless darkness where I could spin and burn and bathe in the euphoric sense of my own eternal nature. But my peace was quickly interrupted by an intense feeling of pressure at the base of my spine, though I couldn't have pinpointed where the body was that the spine inhabited. Very, very slowly, with a CRUNCHA CRUNCHA CRUNCHA noise for every milimeter of ground gained, it crawled upwards towards my head.
As it climbed, the energy below it intensified, growing exponenentially as the surface area covered grew. It wasn't painful, exactly, but it was terrifyingly intense. That first time, I managed to stay calm long enough for it to reach my shoulder blades before it became unbearably frightening and I jerked myself out of it, sure that I would die if I allowed it to continue upward. Over the last few months I have vowed to myself that I would endure any level of discomfort to see what happens at the end, but I keep chickening out. I have let it go as far as the base of my skull, at which time my head started vibrating so much that I could feel my teeth chattering violently even in my paralysis.
Another time recently when I made this prayer, I went to space as usual, but when I entered the atmosphere of a lush Earth-like world, my telekenesis failed me for the first time ever. Instead, I was pulled like in a slow tractor beam down beneath the perfectly round canopy of a giant, unfamiliar kind of tree. I felt a great sense of calm and peace and simply meditated there for quite some time, maybe 9 or 10 hours of relative time, before I heard a voice from behind the tree.
The man who stepped out from there had his face hidden in shadows. He wore a long dusty leather coat and a huge cowboy hat that shrouded him. As I write this, I find that I am not yet prepared to write about what he said to me, or how I responded. But when we had spoken, he walked solemnly over to me and lay his hand upon my head, and I jerked awake in a state of perfect bliss, despite some conflicting emotions surrounding our conversation. I call him Cowboy Hat Man, and maybe I will write more about him later.
A third time with the prayer, right before I sped off to my normal adventures, I felt a cat jump onto my bed and snuggle against my left leg, purring. It curled up there, and I assumed that it was my actual cat in real life, although it would be very uncharacteristic for him. I actually thought to myself, "Wow, I guess Buddy Socks is my spirit guide today." However, when I awoke, I realized that my door was shut and the cat was not in the room. On that trip, I went to a world that was reminiscent in quality perhaps to 15th century Europe, except on a world where the surface was far more underneath water than on Earth.
I followed the invisible cat to an old man and asked him, "Do you know the truth?" He answered, "No." I followed the invisble cat to young boy and asked him, "Do you know the truth?" He also answered, "No." It was an odd one, really.
Every time I do this, I am setting an alarm for ten minutes. Sometimes the dreams last days in relative time, but I have never yet failed to wake up before that alarm goes off.

Present Day (like seriously earlier this week is what me want to write this):

I lay down eagerly for my lunch break nap, hoping to avoid the disappointment of an off-day. I flew into the atmosphere of a world that seemed to made of rock, with nothing growing on the surface. However, I caught glimpse on the surface of a bright spot, and when I descended, I found that somehow there was a relatively thin crust of sorts around a hollow inside-world.
I lowered myself slowly through a great opening in that crust, down into a lush jungle. It was beautiful but uncomfortably humid, and I quickly found a cool and dry cavern complex to explore rather than dealing with sweat and unfamiliar insects.
As I navigated through the cavern system, able to see somehow with dim light despite no obvious light source at times, I broke out into a very large open cave with a huge exit out into the jungle. I saw that it was dawn and realized that I had spent the night, however long it was on this world, in the caves.
Suddenly, my four year old daughter, Curly, with her naturally bleach-highlighted rings of long blonde hair and bright blue eyes, drifted slowly over my left shoulder and out towards the exit. She moved at a brisk adult walking pace, her back to the cave opening, her expression curious yet slightly concerned. She called out, "Dada?" in a tone that suggested wonder and slight confusion, but no real alarm in the presence of her father.
Reacting instantly, feeling my gut clench solid into a fist of rock, I used my telekinesis to close the gap between us and gathered her into my arms. She wrapped her legs around my waist and settled her butt onto my forearm, a ritual that we have practiced every day of her life. The force gripping her evaporated instantly, and suddenly, my darling girl was there in my arms, as real as any physical embrace. I could feel the tickle of her hair on my neck, the beautiful warmth of her skin, and was enveloped in her familiar scent.
Initially, I was filled with white hot rage, fueled by my instinctive reaction to the thought that some idiotic dream world inhabitant had decided to mess with my family and harm or kidnap her. But as I held her and she nuzzled her nose into my neck, the anger gave way to sheer amazement. For the first time in a decade of navigating these dreamscapes, someone that I knew from my waking life had entered the dream. This was a rule-defying moment that really rocked me, a serious breach of the established norms of these experiences.
A group of maybe 8 or 10 small winged goblins flew down from out of sight above the top lip of the exit and fluttered into the room, laughing in a very non-threatening way. They radiated a sense of innocent mischief, and my fear and anger subsided and gave way to annoyance. I whipped my right hand out and blasted a huge hole in the cavern wall to my right, startling Curly into a yelp. Unphased, I raised my voice and demanded, "Who is your King? I am John, son of Michael, and this is my daughter and she WILL NOT BE TOUCHED AGAIN."
The goblins scattered, their merriment giving way to concern that I might blast them into dust. Behind me, a deep chuckle seemed to rise from the ground itself. A voice echoed in the cavern, neither kind or cruel, full of what felt like wisdom, though that doesn't make sense in the waking world.
It spoke: "I am Eloxman, and I am their King." At hearing him announce his name, my head whipped around in the dream and in real life so hard that I woke immediately with a sprained neck that is still bothering me. I looked at my phone and saw that there were two minutes and fourteen seconds remaining in my ten minute window. I lay on the couch in shocked disbelief: Curly was in my dream, and someone had a name. As I replayed it over and over in my head, I realized that Eloxman was still speaking. I think he may have been preparing to provide the name of his father.

The End:

Sorry, that's actually it. I am going to just see if this continues somehow, but if it does not, then I might get creative with it and make up my own ending. I hope that you enjoyed this if you read this far!

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Old-Scool Diet 2.O
"A comprehensive article on bodybuilding diet minutiae - and SO MUCH MORE
What follows is my version of an old school (mid-80s to early 90s) bodybuilding fat-loss diet/regimen, with an updated (2020's) dietary supplementation plan. This type of diet was very popular when I was a child and produced results for many who used it. I was reminded of such diets by bodybuilding writers such as John Romano, who wrote about the basic bodybuilding diet in an issue of Muscular Development sometime around 2008.
Although renowned for its simplicity, it can become somewhat monotonous. The key tenets of this type of fat loss diet are 1) being in a slightly negative caloric balance, 2) using a simplified shopping list of 15 or fewer items, and 3) taking in large amounts of protein, a moderately large amount of carbohydrates, and a small/modest amount of dietary fat.
You will consume 3-4 "whole-food" meals per day along with 1-3 protein shakes (more on workout days and less on off days). You should drink at least 1 gallon worth of calorie-free liquids per day.... the closer you get to 1.5 gal and even 2 gal (if you're really big) the better.
The Shopping List
So, you're at the grocery store and you're in and out within 10 minutes. You don't care about the weekly sales (unless they involve one of your "weekly 15" items). Thus, grocery shopping becomes a snap.
As for the items themselves, a basic "old school" bodybuilding diet would likely contain:

1. Eggs
2. Milk (skim or 2% or UF/CFM)
3. Chicken Breast (boneless and skinless)
4. Tuna chunk light, canned
5. Cottage Cheese (2-4%) & red-fat cheese
6. Lean Gr Beef or Sirloin, NY strip, etc Steak
7. Rice
8. Oatmeal
9. Whole wheat (or white) Bread
10. Apples
11. Oranges
12. Pasta
13. Frozen Berries
14. Bananas
15. Broccoli

Of course, you can rotate in other vegetables such as corn on the cob, salad greens, and lettuces (with light balsamic or low-carb vinaigrette dressing if a salad) etc etc.
Eating a variety of wholesome foods that are (by and large) as unprocessed (aside from rice and oatmeal which must be processed as well as some dairy items) as possible typically means you'll be getting a wide spectrum of nutrients, including both macro and micronutrients. A daily multivitamin/mineral tablet can ensure you're filling any gaps in micronutrient needs (vitamins and minerals). As for macronutrients, this diet provides the bulk of its calories as protein and carbohydrate with only about 10% of the daily calorie allotment being reserved for fats.
What is the logic behind the macronutrient breakdown?
You'll be eating about 45-50 percent of your calories as carbohydrates and 40-45 percent as protein with only 10-15% as fat.
Why 45-50% as carbohydrate? Carbohydrate is stored in the liver and muscles as a substance called glycogen. For every gram of glycogen stored within the body, there are 2.7 grams of water attached. This gives the muscles a pumped appearance and feeling. This also means the muscles are well stocked with stored energy. The majority of your weight training sessions will involve anaerobic exercise. This type of exercise utilizes the glycolytic energy pathway to generate ATP or Adenosine Tri Phosphate.
(Note: The amino-acid-based dietary supplement Creatine also supports ATP synthesis by donating Phosphate to ADP).
Having adequate amounts of both calories and carbohydrates helps prevent dietary-induced drops in TSH.... or Thyroid Stimulating Hormone. This, in theory (and empirical practice) keeps one's metabolism humming and prevents one from "drying out." Simply put, you'll get great pumps in the gym thanks to all that stored water (remember 2.7 grams of water is stored per gram of glycogen).
Energy-rich carbohydrates (grains and fruits) differ from fiber-rich vegetables. Not only do energy-rich carbohydrates provide far more calories but the calories they supply raise blood glucose levels markedly and rapidly. These types of carbohydrates are more easily broken down into simple sugars (glucose etc). Simple sugars and carbohydrates such as rice and white bread are termed high-glycemic (they spike serum blood sugar and insulin levels) while whole wheat or rye bread and things like oatmeal and non-starchy vegetables are deemed low-glycemic.
To be completely forthright and technical all carbohydrates and macronutrients provide energy. The phytonutrients, micronutrients, and fiber aside, carbohydrates simply provide a "higher octane" energy (than protein or fat). ATP is regenerated via the glycolytic energy pathway; carbohydrates stoke the glycolytic energy pathway most efficiently. Despite this, carbohydrates are technically unessential.
Fat and in particular protein can both be used to create carbohydrates. And both fat and protein can supply energy. But fat and protein contain essential nutrients the body cannot manufacture. These essential nutrients are essential fatty acids (EFAs) and essential amino acids (EAAs).
What about Protein?
Because you're getting roughly half of your calories from carbohydrates the protein you take in will likely be spared from providing energy - at least that's what we're hoping for. You're going to shoot for 1 gram of protein per pound of body weight. The actual range of values would be between 0.8g/lb to 1.4g/lb (grams of protein per pound).
You're going to want to consume high-quality, complete protein from sources such as meat, poultry, fish, and dairy. If you have 4 meals and a shake and are taking in let's say 225 grams of protein per day that works out to 45 grams per "feeding." To be more realistic we'll simply say take in between 40-50 grams of protein per feeding.
Protein supplies nitrogen and the "building blocks" of skeletal muscle tissue (amino acids). Protein is essential because 8-10 amino acids are considered essential (other amino acids can become essential in certain situations or circumstances, they are called conditionally essential amino acids).
If you're 200 lbs taking in 1.25 grams protein per pound of bodyweight you're consuming 250 grams of protein per day. Protein contains 4 calories per gram. Thus you'd be consuming 1,000 calories of protein. At 45-50% of total daily calories, carbohydrates would comprise app 1.25x worth of calories as compared to protein. Thus, carbohydrates would come to 1,250 calories. Total daily calories would thus far be 2,250.
2,250 divided by 0.9 yields 250 calories, and at 9 calories per gram that would afford us a mere (roughly) 25 grams of fat. I would at least double this figure (not counting supplemental fats). 50 grams of fat adds 450 calories. 450 plus 2,250 yields 2,700 calories total. Thus, your diet breakdown will be closer to 16-20% fat (20% when including supplemental EFAs), 40% protein, and 40-45% carbohydrate).
Note: If need be, you can cut down carbohydrates by a few hundred calories and increase your protein consumption. This would change the dietary breakdown to roughly 40/40/20 (popularized by Barry Sears as the Zone diet).
You'll want to stay on this diet for a week and record how you felt, what you ate, and how well you slept. Every other day weigh yourself after your morning shit, shower and shave. If you maintain your weight the 2,700 calorie mark is your body's "set-point target." To reduce excess weight (fat) reduce your total daily calories by roughly 10-15 percent and exercise 3-5 days per week. Include cardiovascular training in addition to your weight lifting to further speed up your fat loss efforts. You can do LISS (low-intensity steady state) cardio (walking) or you can do HIIT (High-intensity interval training) cardio 2-5 times per week. Personally, I would choose 5 45-minute leisurely walks over other forms of cardio.
What about "fat burners?"
When people say "fat burners" they're referring to thermogenic agents which speed up the body's metabolism by some 5% or so (5-8% for an hour or two). In the 90s both Phentermine and the ECA stack were popular. These catecholamine-based compounds were potent appetite suppressants, particularly phentermine. The ECA stack was/is also a beta-adrenergic agonist. Since then a host of other supposedly "thermogenic" compounds and preparations have come into the limelight. Yerba Mate comes to mind, as do the popular OTC products Xenadrine and Hydroxycut. Even plain old caffeine is sometimes considered a first-rate "fat burner."
The truth is these products barely increase metabolic rate enough to make much of a difference. Most of their worth comes from their appetite-suppressant effects. Now, I'm not saying if you're suddenly prescribed Adderall or start smoking ice you won't lose weight - you will. It's simply that most weight loss, even from strong stimulants, comes from their appetite-suppressant effects.
The only "fat burners" that truly increase fat burning without the need for appetite suppression are L Carnitine and Cardarine. Cardarine is a peroxisome proliferator-activated receptor-delta agonist. Cardarine enhances lipolysis during exercise. Training increases energy availability by promoting catabolism of proteins, and gluconeogenesis, whereas GW501516 enhances specific consumption of fatty acids and reduces glucose utilization. L Carnitine can be beneficial to exercise performance and fat loss; paradoxically it also suppresses T3, or active thyroid hormone.
T3 or Cytomel can be used to markedly increase resting metabolic rate, but "T3 burns through muscle and fat indiscriminately." You can reduce the amount of muscle tissue being burned and attenuate the reductions in "muscle pump" experienced when supplementing with extra T3.
To do so you'll need to drink water like a camel and supplement your diet with beetroot crystals and citrulline malate. You'll also want to utilize Tadalafil or Cialis. Surprisingly, aside from increasing the pump one experiences from lifting weights Cialis also increases fat burning and creates more BAT (Brown adipose Tissue as compared to WAT... white adipose tissue), relatively speaking. BAT is metabolically active and behaves more like muscle in this respect.
To reduce muscle loss while on higher doses of T3 nothing short of AAS (@ least 200-300 mg/wk, if not 400mg + per week) will truly help. SARMS such as RAD-140 may be of some (yet limited) value. To be honest I would avoid T3 supplementation unless also using Testosterone (Enanthate 400mg/wk) or other AAS.
As for fats, their consumption is largely incidental on this diet and comes from the dairy, red meat, poultry, occasional salad, or handful of mixed nuts one might expect to consume if adhering to the aforementioned dietary principles .
This means the amount of saturated fat as compared to MUFAs or PUFAs will be somewhat high. To remedy this one can consume tuna packed in soybean oil as well as by supplementing 3x per day with triple concentrated, enteric-coated, fish oil capsules. These fish oil capsules break down in the small intestine and there are no fishy burps with them thanks to that enteric coating. They are extremely rich in the special fatty acids EPA and DHA, Eicosapentaenoic acid and Docosohexanoic acid.
One might also supplement with an Udo's Omega 3:6:9 blend of daily supplemental oil.
As for specialty fats, one must purchase the next two in supplement form. CLA is conjugated linoleic acid and it helps improve body composition over time by increasing muscle mass and decreasing fat mass. Sesamin has a host of potential health benefits. Together these two designer fats can markedly improve physical aesthetics, health, and overall well-being.
Finally, there is GLA or gamma linoleic acid. Unless you eat a lot of cashews you'll want to get this fatty acid in supplement form as well.
Note: You needn't supplement every specialty fatty acid mentioned to reap benefits from each fatty acid you choose to use.
The GOLDEN RULE of DIETING: CICO
Calories in vs. calories out. It's so simple yet so misunderstood. When you reduce dieting down to its least common denominator it's CICO you're left with. If you aren't gaining or losing weight you're at an established set-point. You're at current equilibrium. It also means you're essentially burning just about every calorie you take in (burning every single calorie to be more precise, it's just the body's ebbs and flows and an equilibrium setpoint is usually somewhat elastic ).
If you begin to regularly consume more calories than your BMTMR allot (and than you burn via daily movement and exercise), you will put on additional body mass (including both fat and skeletal muscle). If you begin to consume less than your BMTMR allot, and/or begin exercising yourself into a negative caloric balance, you will lose weight, typically a combination of fat and muscle (but usually far more fat than muscle, particularly if one lifts weights throughout).
Note: BMTMR = Basal & Total Metabolic Rate
So are all macronutrients equal then? I mean, do all macronutrients convert into ATP at the same efficiency rate?
Technically no they do not. Protein is far less efficient in its conversion to ATP as compared to fat or carbohydrate. Thus, it takes MORE protein to create "x" amount of ATP. Remember, ATP stands for adenosine triphosphate. It is the body's preferred cellular fuel for high-intensity, high-octane activities. In this sense, protein's inefficiency in converting to ATP means a calorie really isn't a calorie after all. (Because) It takes more protein calories to create "x" amount of ATP than if one were creating that same "x" amount of ATP from carbohydrate or fat calories.
Now that that anomaly is out of the way it's best to simply memorize CICO, calories in vs. calories out, irrespective of macronutrient source. This is the most practical, tried and true way to diet scientifically.
So you've established your caloric allotment for metabolic equilibrium and lowered that figure by 10-15%. You've added in 3-4 30-minute LISS cardio sessions per week in addition to 4 weight-lifting workouts. You're beginning to lose weight week in and week out and then your progress slows and eventually stalls. Your body has become accustomed to the lower calories and the extra workload. Unfortunately, aside from supplementing your diet with substances such as Cardarine or Clenbuterol, there is little more you can do outside of dropping calories once more.... (or adding even more cardio).
Over time these successive reductions in calorie allotment lead to a reduction in TSH, or thyroid stimulating hormone. It's the body's way of slowing things down in an effort to maintain homeostasis. To continue improving body composition one mustn't merely lose as much fat as possible, but also must maintain the muscle mass one has - or even build a bit. Now I'll come right out and say it, if you're 6-10 weeks into a strict fat loss diet you're not going to be concerned with building additional muscle unless you're using Testosterone and/or other AAS and PEDs. Even then, if juicing quite a bit, at some point building muscle transitions into preserving muscle. No matter how much you're pinning if you aren't eating enough calories you simply cannot (physiologically) add appreciable lean fat-free body mass.
To boost the body's T3 levels one can supplement directly with T3 (Cytomel) or with pro-active-thyroid T4 (converts to T3 in body; Synthroid). There is supplemental T2 but I advise readers to steer clear of this thyroid analogue. Another way of boosting T3 levels, and a legal, natural way to boot, is by having periodic carbohydrate-rich refeeds and higher calorie days. Have a carbohydrate-rich meal every 3 days if on a lower carbohydrate diet as well as a higher calorie day once every seven to ten days whether on a mixed macronutrient or a lower carbohydrate type diet.
How many meals do you need to eat per day?
While there is potentially some slight advantage to eating several smaller to moderately sized meals spaced evenly throughout the day the science says "when you eat the bulk of your calories makes little to no difference." So if you'd rather have two larger-sized 1,350 calorie meals and then intermittently fast for the rest of your wake-sleep cycle (or "day" whether a 1st, 2nd, or 3rd shifter etc) go ahead. That said, I would personally recommend at least 2-3 whole food-based meals and 1-3 protein shakes per day for best results in the gym. As for weight loss, remember it boils down to CICO: whether you have 10 270-calorie mini-meals or one 2,700-calorie smorgasbord makes practically no difference.
What about enhancing insulin sensitivity and improving glucose metabolism while imparting a nutrient-partitioning effect?
I first learned of the term Glucose Disposal Agent while reading Dan Duchaine's Underground BodyOpus. Dan was recommending an isocaloric diet at one point but I believe he'd moved onto cyclical ketogenic-type dieting by the early to mid-90s - and obviously by the time he wrote Underground BodyOpus. Because catecholamines work better in low (serum) insulin environments and because high levels of insulin in the blood render fat-burning enzymes such as HSL largely inert, it is a good idea to release as little insulin as is necessary/possible. Postprandial serum insulin concentrations share a direct correlation with postprandial (after a meal) blood glucose levels. To help optimize glucose metabolism and loweoptimize postprandial glucose numbers far more efficiently - while also driving nutrient partitioning by enhancing the selective expression of GLUT 4 (on muscle cells and not fat cells), one should consider the use of glucose disposal agents such as Na R ALA and Berberine HCL.
Over time the use of GDAs improves insulin sensitivity markedly, assisting in the significant attenuation of metabolic syndrome. Berberine alone has been shown in some clinical trials to perform as good or better than the popular diabetic medication Metformin. Na R ALA is the most bioavailable form of alpha lipoic acid and you need only 250mg 2-3x/day to reap major benefits. If you use the cheaper form of alpha lipoic acid use 400-700 mg 2-3x/day.
To these two GDAs I would recommend a form of Vanadium, Vanadyl Sulfate. I would also add a form of chromium, either chromium picolinate or chromium polynicotinate. There are scores of various GDA or GDA-like compounds to choose from. For the most bang for your buck start and stick with this 4 part GDA stack before adding additional GDA compounds into the mix.
Note: If you combine the regular use of GDAs with a modified lower or low-carb diet one can literally reverse Type 2 Diabetes, particularly if the disease is in its early onset stage(s).
Maintaining Energy (to train intensely) while on a reduced-calorie diet
When you lift weights getting that all too familiar "pump" feels amazing. Arnold Schwarzenegger once compared it to sexual release - even going so far as to claim the "pump was better than cumming." I would have to disagree with Mr. Schwarzenegger on that, but I will concede that getting a vein-bursting, skin-splitting pump (obviously I'm embellishing: no pump bursts veins or splits the skin) gives one a major short-term motivational boost as well as an endorphin rush. It also feels great and makes one look more muscular and vascular. But getting a great pump while in a major caloric deficit, particularly if one is restricting carbohydrates, becomes difficult to say the least. So how does one boost the body's high-octane "energy" source, ATP, without taking in extra calories?
If you were unaware that ATP can be supplemented directly (orally), now you know. PEAK ATP is a well-known ATP supplement. In addition to supplementing directly with ATP one can also utilize Creatine Monohydrate (or other forms of creatine) to behave as a Phosphate donor. Creatine is stored within the body as creatine phosphate. Creatine phosphate donates its phosphate ring to ADP, or Adenosine Di-Phosphate, creating ATP, or Adenosine Tri-Phosphate. As you know ATP is the body's preferred "high-octane" cellular-energy-medium. Creatine and ATP are both important to high-intensity anaerobic exercise. But what about boosting the glycolytic energy pathway?
The body utilizes glucose and stored glycogen to replenish ATP. When glucose/glycogen is in low supply the body will utilize glycogenic amino acids (in a process called gluconeogenesis) to boost serum glucose concentrations, especially while involved in intense exercise such as weight lifting (bodybuilding). Supplementing (pre-workout) with whey protein isolate and/or EAA/BCAA+Glutamine can help prevent the body from utilizing its muscle tissue as a donor source for gluconeogenically-derived "energy."
Note: Glutamine can increase both hepatic and skeletal muscle glycogen stores (without carbohydrates).
Another thing you can do to enhance fat burning is to increase the proportion of fuel burned as fat during exercise. To achieve this supplement with the PPAR delta agonist Cardarine. Cardarine markedly increases cardiovasculaendurance capacity as well as muscular endurance. You'll be getting a few more reps per set on your higher rep sets and increasing the amount of fat (instead of blood sugar) your body is using while doing so.
Note: Stacking Cardarine with the infamous lipotropic L Carnitine may further enhance each supplement's effects.
Note: I have a separate article written on L Carnitine. See this article to learn everything you would ever want to know about L Carnitine in less than 5 minutes.
What about maintaining the muscle mass you built while in a caloric surplus after you diet your way into a significant negative caloric balance?
The supplement HMB, Beta Hydroxy Methyl Butyrate was over-hyped in the 90s. Everybody was looking for the "next creatine." And HMB showed promise. Then the research trickled in. Initially, HMB appeared to be of little value. Then more and more research poured in. Today we know HMB is most effective as an anticatabolic supplement.
HMB helps ensure the body remains in a positive nitrogen balance, but not by increasing protein synthesis. Rather, HMB reduces the breakdown of muscle mass (protein), and is particularly useful in lower-calorie settings, and/or high-stress situations (including recovery post-surgery and healing from serious burns).
You'll want to use a minimum of 3 grams of HMB per day. Amounts as high as 10 grams or more daily can be costly but are safe (and more effective than lower dosages, which does not necessarily hold true for other dietary supplements).
A second anticatabolic supplement you might consider is Phosphatidylserine or PS. The use of PS is reportedly effective in reducing excessive serum cortisol concentrations. Cortisol, a glucocorticoid, increases protein catabolism. This supplement can be costly to use, however.
Some trainees, gurus and gym pundits firmly believe the conditionally essential amino acid Glutamine is a potent anti-catabolic substance. The research on Glutamine's efficacy for athletes isn't clear; some studies show benefit(s) while others clearly do not.
If you're using appreciable amounts of protein powder (Whey Protein Isolate, Pea Protein Isolate, Caseinate, Milk Protein Isolate) you'll be getting about 4-5 grams of Glutamine (and precursors) per scoop (app 25 grams of protein. Most protein rich whole foods are also rich in Glutamine.
If you're in a caloric surplus (off season mode) then additional Glutamine is essentially a waste of money. Glutamine is best utilized while in the throes of strict dieting, when muscle mass losses are most likely. Glutamine can contribute to the Amino Acid Pool and act as a gluconeogenic donor if need be. Glutamine can also help restock both hepatic and skeletal muscle glycogen stores INDEPENDENTLY of carbohydrates (Glucose). To enhance glycogen replenishment, particularly in the peri-workout period, Glutamine must be taken in very large doses (up to 15-20 grams pre/intra workout & post workout).
Another thing you can do to reduce the loss of muscle mass while dieting is to raise your protein consumption to as high as 1.5 grams per pound of body weight. Of course, you'll have to have a commensurate reduction in calories from carbohydrates and/or fat.
And remember, while dieting to maximize fat-loss your goal isn't to build muscle, but instead to maintain that muscle which you've already built. This means you must take care to avoid overtraining. Not only is overtraining unnecessary at this stage, but it can be extremely damaging to one's physique. You run the risk of injury anytime you step foot in a gym but the probability of injury is geometrically increased if one is overtraining, particularly while on a low-calorie diet. Limit your weekly lifting sessions to no more than 5. Don't go crazy on the volume (# of sets) and stay in the 8-12 rep range most of the time (you can do more or fewer reps but 8-12 is a great rep range for most). You aren't going to be setting any PRs here.
Can you tell us what a sample day of eating might look like?
Let's say you decide on 3 whole-food meals, 2 shakes, and a snack every day. Let's assume your shakes are composed of ultrafiltered skim milk (12 g protein and 8 grams carbohydrate w/ 0g fat per 8oz), 2 scoops whey isolate (40 g protein), a small banana, and 1/2-1 cup frozen strawberries. By themselves, the two protein shakes will supply 130 grams of protein. And remember, at the beginning of this article we said our hypothetical dieter was 200 pounds. Thus your total daily protein goal in grams was 250 grams per day. Hence, you need only consume 120 more grams of protein, divided between 3 whole food meals and your optional snack.
Your total daily calorie and macronutrient allotment breakdown:
Calories: 2,700 Protein: 250 grams, 1,000 Cal Carbohydrate: 310 grams, 1250 Cal Fat: 50 grams, 450 Cal
Note: the caloric/macro breakdown above yields appx 37% protein, 46% carbohydrate, and 17% fat. This differs slightly from the 40/50/10 breakdown we began with but the actual percentages are simply a guide post. If you're more endomorphic you should probably drop the carbohydrates to 37% and raise the fat to make up the difference (or add protein for the same reason). If you're an ectomorph or mesomorph you can handle the 46% carbohydrate level without missing a beat.
Note: Supplemental fats do add additional fat grams (and calories to your daily totals). Thus, your total fat intake will likely be closer to 80 grams per day. You may also take a shot glass or two of extra virgin, cold-pressed organic olive oil 3-5 times per week to increase MUFAs in your diet.
Removing the protein shakes' nutritional values (130 grams protein, 0 grams fat, and roughly 60-120 grams of carbohydrates: one protein shake may be simply protein powder with milk or water and ice) leaves 120 grams of protein, 50 grams of meal-derived fats (excluding supplemental fats) and approximately 190-250 grams of carbohydrates for the remainder of the day. These figures will be spread (evenly or unevenly) over 3 whole-food meals and one snack. This works out to 40 grams of protein, 80 grams of carbohydrates, and about 15-20 grams of fat per meal. Under this scenario, your snack would have to be something like sugar-free jello which has practically no calories whatsoever.
As for how you put together your meals....
Because your list of foods was basic and limited to 15 items you'll have an easy time putting potential menus together. Choose foods from your list and match up their nutritional values to fit the macronutrient and caloric allotment for each of your 3 whole-food meals.
Note: If you need more variety go ahead. The number of different foods you eat has no intrinsic bearing on the results you'll achieve from dieting. I give the 15-item limit to reflect the authenticity of old-school bodybuilding dieting as told by John Romano, the famous bodybuilding author, and for simplicity's sake.
Look up the nutritional value of the various 15 (or more) foods you chose for your diet and write them down on the front page of your diet journal. You're going to want to make use of nutrition labels anytime you deviate from your list of foods. And if you're not accurately eyeing up proper portion sizes you'll want to invest in a food scale. Studies have shown that people who didn't record what they ate often overate far more than what they self-reported they'd eaten. The same goes for people commonly overestimating portion sizes. That's why you're going to record everything you eat and weigh out or measure proper portion sizes.
So how do you know how many calories you should begin the diet with?
There are many useful diet and macro calculators available online. One figure I've come across quite a bit is 15-17 calories per pound of body weight as a good, "average" starting point. For a 200 lb person, this works out to between 3,000 and 3,400 calories per day, which might be a bit high. If consuming even 1.25 grams of protein per pound of body weight that 15-17 cal/lb figure leaves 2,400 "energy" calories to come from carbohydrates and/or fats. Our hypothetical diet above was 2,700 calories with 250 grams of protein for a 200-lb individual.
So the two figures (2,700 cal and 3,000- 3,400 cal are close enough to be compatible and would likely fit any 200 lb hard training individual quite well - but we can't be certain. The only way to do that is to keep a diet journal for a minimum of 7 days where you record every morsel of every foodstuff you consume, each and every day and night. You also tally up your macronutrient totals for each of the seven days. At the end of those seven days, if your weight has remained the same, you have found your homeostatic caloric setpoint.
Add up the total amount of calories consumed over the seven days and then divide the resultant figure by seven. You now have your starting caloric allowance. If you want to gain quality mass you would increase your calories by 10-15%. But, we want to lose fat, so we will cut out starting caloric allowance (homeostatic-setpoint) by 10-15%.
If you simply don't have the discipline to keep a food journal you'll also have trouble keeping track of calories later on in the diet and end up overeating, even if unintentionally. That said, 15-17 cal/lb of body weight is a good average starting range for most lifters.
If you'd like, I'm open for consultations.
Contact me for nutritional, dietary supplementation, and exercise regimen consulting.
Mike Renteria BigMikeRenteria@gmail.com BPVA Summer 2024
Photo: Gunter Schlierkamp, IFBB LEGEND, 2002 GNC SOS CHAMPION (Defeated Reigning Mr Olympia Ronnie Coleman)

I know I've made plenty of bad choices with my care, and the ultimate answer is to see a doctor. I just want some opinions from Medical professionals on here and if I am freaking out too much, or not enough. I'm sure I will make some doctors facepalm hard with some of the things I've been ignoring. This will be a long one.
I'm 26m, overweight, extremely active and unbelievably busy for my business, but also can be sedentary for days straight sitting in cars due to my job. No real health issues recorded and always had surprisingly good blood pressure, levels etc when I was going to the doctor, family has some bad health history. I haven't gone to dr in years, and I just lost health insurance with no way to enroll now until end of the year. It's getting to the point where I am going to just pay out of pocket because I'm not liking how this all looks. Maybe someone can also recommend who to go to so I don't just waste money getting bounced around with referrals.
My stress levels are, as my last doc put it 2 years ago, "killing me quickly." I have zero way to put my life on pause, I have massive investor goals to meet and have been exponentially growing in the last couple of years, not having a free day or a second to shut my brain off. I own Two businesses that occupy 100% of my waking hours. My main business is very high stress and spontaneous; i absolutely love what I do and wouldnt have wanted my life to turn out ANY differently, but....and I certainly am not saying this to brag or for sympathy, but rather being honest with you doctors.. my stress and responsibility are absolutely off the charts for any age of person, and I do genuinely think my stress and lifestyle is actively killing me. I previously didn't think that it was possible to feel stress killing you, but now I get it.
Some symptom background:
For the past few years I'll get this feeling in my heart that feels like I held my breath for a while. That fluttering feeling in my heart, like a "pressure build up until it flutters away." Like how if you hold your breath and then release you get that head high feeling and your heart races for a second. I also have had this kind of head pressure behind my nose between my eyes, I'm pretty sure it began when my brother broke it but I never went to get it fixed. I just let it heal. Yes, I know, stupid. I genuinely eat barely anything but I am very out of shape, that walking for 10 mins will put me out of breath. I can often feel my heart rate when I am doing something, either in my chin/jaw area, or if i was to restmy head in my hands i can feel my head bounce with the pulse from my hands. My heart rate is high. I'm a HEAVY mj smoker and have always had very "virgin" lungs that would make me cough easily. I occasionally have wheezing. When I hold in a hit of a blunt I can feel myself start to get that nitrous oxide head high feeling of passing out (I do NOT use, I tried once in High School.) I rarely use Adderall a couple times a year, but I did pass out completely about 2 years ago, when I was smoking and held a hit in too long. I was on an Adderall, and didn't eat all day so chalked it up to that.
I've also had random pins and needles in my hands every so often for years now, but largely when I am sitting for long periods of time so I wasn't ever really concerned. I do also get fluid buildup in my legs from sitting (bad) but it drains when I sleep or am not in the car that day. Lately, I have been feeling like I can't breathe during the night, like it's too stuffy, and I can only go back to sleep if I crack a window wide open or else I feel like I'm slightly suffocating. Friends/family have said I sound like I almost have sleep apnea.
Fast Forward with all of that out of the way, to the event that's keeping me up. I was on a 3.5h flight (nothing new.) I can't quite put my name on it and itll be very hard to describe, but I just had a "feeling" that the "pressure" wasn't right. It was very hard to describe. I can't quite remember why, but I recall that it wasn't just me experiencing or sounding like something was off. I just keep remembering that I felt like the cabin wasn't pressured right.
Well, a bit after take off as we climbed I felt my head start to get very pressurized and uncomfortable. I began to feel like I was having a stroke. As you can tell I am not one to go to doctors, but it scared me so much I almost declared to the stewardess that I was having a medical emergency. Finally as we cruised at altitude I became more and more disoriented, had a headache, and just felt like my head was going to explode. Then I began having a nose bleed, and the pressure In my head kept building. I really thought I was going to die. As if the nose bleeding wasn't enough of a physical sign, as we descended altitude, the "pressure" began bubbling my saliva out of the sides of my mouth and I knew I was not just imagining things at that point. It did feel like my head pressure was releasing. By the time we landed I felt OK but completely sounded like a stroke victim. My brother who got me from the airport asked me how many Xanax I took, that's how physically f'd up I sounded. I sounded like I had a medical episode. I knew then this could not all be in my head.
Foaming at the mouth, as you can imagine, yields nothing except search results of "this is grave and you are dying." I have been terrified to fly since because I really thought I was going to die, but flying is an absolutely integral part of my business, so after years of symptoms, the flights may be what pushes me to finally fix whatever is happening (yes I know I'm stupid for that.) Between heart flutters, suffocating feelings, what feels like circulation issues, nosebleeds, head pressure and mouth foaming, I am scared to hear what they have to say, but it's time to face the music.
Thanks for reading this far. If anyone has any advice I'd appreciate it.

I (28M) have struggled with my mental health for the better part of a decade. I've had numerous depressive episodes, 3 suicide attempts as of 3 days ago, and have generally really struggled managing and regulating my emotions.
During my senior year of college, when I was 21, I was diagnosed with Bipolar II Disorder. A few years ago I was also diagnosed with ADHD. I have tried numerous medications (antidepressants, antipsychotics, benzos) to manage my supposed Bipolar diagnosis with no real long-term success, and have been on Adderall, then Vyvanse, then back to Adderall for ADHD. At this point, stims just help me wake up a bit, nothing else.
I moved back to my home state two months ago after living on the opposite side of the country for 2 years. I had been with my partner since 2019 and had lived with her since the beginning of covid. We have had two dogs together since 2020 that I love so so much. And I love her more than anyone.
My mental health had been deteriorating again for a few months prior, but started getting really bad after arriving back in my home state. She's super solid financially and has had a good stable job since I met her. However, I have struggled with maintaining a job long-term, as my mental health has gotten in the way of that, as well as having encountered unexpected roadblocks, and the pay of most just hasn't made it worth staying This has caused a lot of stress and anxiety for me for years.
My mental health became exceptionally bad within the last week, as my job search has taken a while (and my only prospect has had me going through the hiring process for nearly 2 months with no real certainty). I met with a new psychiatrist who revealed to me that I might actually have BPD. Having gone to grad school to be a therapist and having studied various mental illnesses including personality disorders, I reviewed the symptoms of BPD, and reflected on my own behavior, and it just makes way too much sense now. This revelation was earth shattering for me. Then, that same night, my partner told me she didn't want to continue with our relationship because, along with my mental health being a severe issue, she had determined that she isn't bisexual, but that she is actually really only sexually attracted to women.
These events in combination made me spiral quickly and I made an attempt on my life. I spent the last 3 days in the psych unit, my shortest stint there, but by far my worst experience. I was spoken to like a child the whole time. I'm vegan and I had to spell out to the staff what that means because they seemed to thing that just meant I was gluten free, at a fucking hospital dude. Only ate PB&J while I was there. Doctors didn't listen to me and just prescribed me two more antidepressants. I'm not taking that shit. They absolutely ruined my sleep this time. Hoping to find somewhere that will treat me with ketamine because my recreational use of it has been the only thing that seems to help me regulate my mood.
Left the hospital today, went back to my house I share with my partner, packed up a bunch of my things, and left with my dad. So I'm gonna stay with family for a while in a different city.
I feel like I now have to do the emotional equivalent of free soloing a mountain, but fuck man, I'm so sick of life and the demon inside my head kicking the shit out of me. I just want to succeed and actually feel like I'm living for myself instead of feeling like I'm just existing for the sake of others. That's the only reason I'm still here, because as agonizing as it is to deal with my brain, I can't bring myself to hurt my friends and family by taking my life.
So, while I'm at my lowest point ever, I'm gonna sort this shit out. I'm gonna keep living, and I'm gonna one day truly love myself, to the point where I am not just surviving, but I am thriving.
tl;dr: Just learned I have BPD and my partner of nearly 5 years ended things. Made an attempt on my life because of it. Life feels fucked rn. But I have no choice but to keep going and find happiness and fulfillment in the future.

I am taking a trip starting tomorrow and it was finals week this past week. When I can bury myself in stuff it makes dealing with my thoughts easier. I have been suicidal for months and my attempt a little bit ago didn't work. Last Thursday my girlfriend came out to me and said she thinks she doesn't see a future with a man. Even though she loves me she is sure enough that it wouldn't be the right decision to stay with me as her feelings grow stronger. This made finals week hard and we have had a lot of conversations since. I will be down there for ten days (we are long-distance and I leave tomorrow). It was supposed to be good. School over, time with my gf, her prom, our two years, and other stuff we had planned. Then when I came back I could focus on work, do some more for my mental health, and have her until she goes away for a month. I am aware this trip has the potential to make me come back in a completely wrecked mental state but it is already bought, planned, and committed to.
The people who know are afraid or worried I might attempt. My girlfriend even put off telling me because she thought I might attempt.
I have been taking my Adderall and Mood Stabilizers and although it has helped I have been able to think and focus and I just still feel like I want to die. The situation might be an add on but also I feel I was a shitty bf, a terrible sibling, shitty friend, and I know my family is unhappy I'm trans and it has been 3 years. I am on testosterone now and my mom cried because of it. I am unhappy in my body. I try going to the gym but it is hard without a car. Doing work outs at home doesn't work for the same reason I can't do HW at home. Too distracting. All of that plus my desire to die. The thought in my head that I will come back from the trip and attempt soon after has made me incredibly...happy? On my Adderall, I don't show emotion well but I have been finding all the bad stuff going on in my life funny now. Kinda laughing to myself about my situations. I am hopeful my attempt works. I mean I have considered trying to find someone to...take me out.
Then last night I started writing letters. Writing letters has helped me this week because they were all to my gf. But these letters were for my family. It made me feel "better" after awhile like hey maybe it will all be okay. But then I was up late last night talking to my gf and then had to go to work and am now at school working on 3 hours of sleep. Still have to go back to work. I ate half of a big muffin today and I haven't eaten a real meal since last Thursday when I got the news. I feel like I am unsure where I stand now. I feel like I want to be better but I'm worried that's a lie. Maybe I just don't want everyone to be right and I know I don't want my gf to feel like it is her fault. It is my brain. I feel so lost.
Any support or anything is greatly appreciated.

So this first started about a year and a half ago when I was going through something extremely stressful for about 6 months ago.
Sometimes the muscles in my chin will flex up and shake a bit. It lasts for like 0.5 seconds to 1 second. I cant even do the movement voluntarily without moving the muscles in my lips. Every single time it happens it's when some unexpected environmental factor occurs. For example when i drop something that I'm messing with it happens. That used to be the most common way for it to happen. One time when I was driving and getting up to speed my foot slipped off the gas pedal and it happend. I also have brain zaps and it happens sometimes when i have a brain zap. I haven't had it in like a year but recently it came back and started happing when Iower my eyes and keep my mouth tighter. Tbh I started doing that in the past month or so whenever i go out in public because it makes my face look better.
The reason I'm so scared is because I had a tonic clonic (normal) seizure almost 3 years ago and I'm worried I'm worried that this could be a myoclonic seizure (muscle jerk / spasm). I also had an abnormal eeg and really bad deja vu for a few months after.
I just had an appointment with my neurologist a couple weeks ago and it litterly came back that same day hours after the appointment. She said it's very unlikely that I'll ever have another seizure but now I'm really worried.
I looked up videos of myoclonic seizures on youtube and most of them are way larger muscle groups jerking and the jerks continuously happen for around 30 seconds. There was one video that made me freak out tho because it looked a lot like mine. It was a toddler with myoclonic epilepsy and it was just a few spasms in his chin and check muscles and it only lasted for about 1 second. He kind of paused though and his eyes went up in the air a bit which doesn't happen to me. Still, it looks very similar to that except mind is more of a spasm / vibration instead of 2 to 3 jerks.
Other than this my bfs symptoms are; fully body twitching at rest, a mild essential tremor that comes and goes (recently came for like 2 days about a week ago and then went away), shaking and jerking whenever I have a panic attack, tingling and numbness when i have a lot of aderanaline and stress, and mild body jerks when I really think about them a lot. I know for sure that the body jerks aren't epilepsy because they only happen when I get worried about them and I seen lots of people with bfs say that exact same thing. I also know for sure that the bfs isn't a symptom of epilepsy because it started 45 minutes after taking LSD for the first and only time and LSD can't trigger or worsen epilepsy.
I've been having a lot of anxiety and stress and got on adderall recently which made my full body twitches worse so I don't know if that has something to do with it
I'm just freaking out thinking that I'm having myoclonic seizures. I cant even eat or sleep. This type if stress is really hard to function with. Please tell me there's someone that has experienced something similar. Thank you

Any and all advice is appreciated, and I apologize for how long this is. Here's my story: I am a 26 y/o male. I have pretty good genetics. Been lifting weights over 10 years, very athletic, varsity wrestling, boxing, 315 bench, 315 front squat, can do backflips, all that freak athlete stuff. Ever since I turned 19, my health has slowly been deteriorating. At 19, I tore my lateral meniscus and MCL, and needed surgery. I also have a herniated disc between L4/L5, which causes me a lot of sciatica and lower back pain. Simultaneously, I developed thoracic outlet syndrome and started having a lot of nerve pain at this age. Also, randomly developed seborrheic dermatitis which has plagued my scalp and beard for years now. A year later, the nerve pain went to my elbows and I was diagnosed with cubital tunnel syndrome. Since then, It has gotten consistently harder for me to work out. Any movements I perform, I feel pain. Can't do any presses because I get shoulder and elbow pain. Can't do any leg movements because I get knee and back and hip pain. This has only worsened the past 6 years. Now recently, I have developed severe patellar tendinitis in both knees and it even hurts to walk. This has occurred the last year now. My sciatica is also flaring up at all time high pain levels. I also was diagnosed with chronic prostatitis because It's been over 6 months and 4 different courses of antibiotics and it won't go away. Currently taking ciprofloxacin which has crazy side effects, 1000mg/day for 21 days. I suspect that's making my knees worse but I'm not sure. On top of all this, the last 6 months or so I have noticed I am always out of breath. I can be walking slowly and talking to someone and after every sentence I need a deep breath. This is very abnormal for me, I used to box and my cardio is phenomenal. Why the fuck am I out of breathe talking about my day. On top of this, my feet are always freezing. I was sitting in a sauna and my whole body was warm but my feet were cold. I also got diagnosed with hypothyroidism TSH 9.5 and I'm on 25mcg levothyroxine to start out to help with tiredness. At night, I get very strong heart palpitations but I'm not sure if it's anxiety or a heart issue. My heart will beat, then 1 of the beats will take a long pause, disrupt the rhythm, and then when the beat returns it feels like a very strong "thump" in my chest as if someone just punched my chest. Very aggressive heart beat. I have to focus all my energy on breathing and relaxing to sleep. My question is, does anyone have any idea wtf is wrong with me? The last 6 years of my life I have literally been deteriorating. I'm only 26 and my health is going down the drain month by month. Everything hurts all the time. I feel like a grandpa. My seb derm is so bad I have literal yellow chunks of flakes on my face and scalp. Do I have cancer? Should I be checked for any specific conditions? I tested negative for any autoimmune conditions like RA or diabetes, and my doctor thought my thyroid was causing all this pain but even after my tsh going back down to 4.5 I see no improvement.
I'd like to add: I have used illegal substances many times since I was 18, and I wonder if all of that has damaged my health. from my time in college until now, about 8 years, I have used Adderall over 100 times. I have used the magic white powder we put in our noses maybe like 50 times. I was also addicted to caffeine so I have been a heavy stimulant user for 8 years straight and I only quit a few years ago, and caffeine recently. Also, my pain lead me down the rabbit hole of sarms and peptides and I have used mk-677 and ostarine together, which significantly improved my physical pain until I stopped using them. I have also injected bpc-157 and tb-500 for 6 weeks into my knees but that did not help at all.
I am not a drug addict, I am not a steroid user, nor do I want to be. All of my illegal substance use has been with a goal in mind 99% of the time, and if I was perfectly healthy I wouldn't be using anything.
My question is, could I have caused all of these symptoms on myself by trying to fix my problems myself? Or should I not be worried about the substances I have used? Should I get checked for cancer or will my doctor think I'm dramatic for asking? I don't even know where to start searching anymore or what to ask. I feel like my 20's have been taken from me because of my poor health. I just want to be able to run and jump and enjoy life again.
TL/DR: Freak athlete since 18, 18-26 multiple worsening health conditions (thoracic outlet, cubital tunnel, chronic patellar tendinitis, herniated discs, hypothyroidism, shortness of breathe, heart palpitations, seborrheic dermatitis, chronic prostatitis, cold feet, etc), losing my youth and always in pain, can't even walk without pain now. Tested negative for all autoimmune disorders like RA and diabetes. Past hx of illegal substance use like heavy stimulant's, sarms and peptides for physical pain (ostarine, mk-677, tb-500, bpc-157). What is wrong with me, where do I start, how do I get my health back? I feel hopeless after going to the doctor over 40 times in the last 6 years and I have come to reddit because I don't know what to do anymore.

Any and all advice is appreciated, and I apologize for how long this is. Here's my story: I am a 26 y/o male. I have pretty good genetics. Been lifting weights over 10 years, very athletic, varsity wrestling, boxing, 315 bench, 315 front squat, can do backflips, all that freak athlete stuff. Ever since I turned 19, my health has slowly been deteriorating. At 19, I tore my lateral meniscus and MCL, and needed surgery. I also have a herniated disc between L4/L5, which causes me a lot of sciatica and lower back pain. Simultaneously, I developed thoracic outlet syndrome and started having a lot of nerve pain at this age. Also, randomly developed seborrheic dermatitis which has plagued my scalp and beard for years now. A year later, the nerve pain went to my elbows and I was diagnosed with cubital tunnel syndrome. Since then, It has gotten consistently harder for me to work out. Any movements I perform, I feel pain. Can't do any presses because I get shoulder and elbow pain. Can't do any leg movements because I get knee and back and hip pain. This has only worsened the past 6 years. Now recently, I have developed severe patellar tendinitis in both knees and it even hurts to walk. This has occurred the last year now. My sciatica is also flaring up at all time high pain levels. I also was diagnosed with chronic prostatitis because It's been over 6 months and 4 different courses of antibiotics and it won't go away. Currently taking ciprofloxacin which has crazy side effects, 1000mg/day for 21 days. I suspect that's making my knees worse but I'm not sure. On top of all this, the last 6 months or so I have noticed I am always out of breath. I can be walking slowly and talking to someone and after every sentence I need a deep breath. This is very abnormal for me, I used to box and my cardio is phenomenal. Why the fuck am I out of breathe talking about my day. On top of this, my feet are always freezing. I was sitting in a sauna and my whole body was warm but my feet were cold. I also got diagnosed with hypothyroidism TSH 9.5 and I'm on 25mcg levothyroxine to start out to help with tiredness. At night, I get very strong heart palpitations but I'm not sure if it's anxiety or a heart issue. My heart will beat, then 1 of the beats will take a long pause, disrupt the rhythm, and then when the beat returns it feels like a very strong "thump" in my chest as if someone just punched my chest. Very aggressive heart beat. I have to focus all my energy on breathing and relaxing to sleep. My question is, does anyone have any idea wtf is wrong with me? The last 6 years of my life I have literally been deteriorating. I'm only 26 and my health is going down the drain month by month. Everything hurts all the time. I feel like a grandpa. My seb derm is so bad I have literal yellow chunks of flakes on my face and scalp. Do I have cancer? Should I be checked for any specific conditions? I tested negative for any autoimmune conditions like RA or diabetes, and my doctor thought my thyroid was causing all this pain but even after my tsh going back down to 4.5 I see no improvement.
I'd like to add: I have used illegal substances many times since I was 18, and I wonder if all of that has damaged my health. from my time in college until now, about 8 years, I have used Adderall over 100 times. I have used the magic white powder we put in our noses maybe like 50 times. I was also addicted to caffeine so I have been a heavy stimulant user for 8 years straight and I only quit a few years ago, and caffeine recently. Also, my pain lead me down the rabbit hole of sarms and peptides and I have used mk-677 and ostarine together, which significantly improved my physical pain until I stopped using them. I have also injected bpc-157 and tb-500 for 6 weeks into my knees but that did not help at all.
I am not a drug addict, I am not a steroid user, nor do I want to be. All of my illegal substance use has been with a goal in mind 99% of the time, and if I was perfectly healthy I wouldn't be using anything.
My question is, could I have caused all of these symptoms on myself by trying to fix my problems myself? Or should I not be worried about the substances I have used? Should I get checked for cancer or will my doctor think I'm dramatic for asking? I don't even know where to start searching anymore or what to ask. I feel like my 20's have been taken from me because of my poor health. I just want to be able to run and jump and enjoy life again.
TL/DR: Freak athlete since 18, 18-26 multiple worsening health conditions (thoracic outlet, cubital tunnel, chronic patellar tendinitis, herniated discs, hypothyroidism, shortness of breathe, heart palpitations, seborrheic dermatitis, chronic prostatitis, cold feet, etc), losing my youth and always in pain, can't even walk without pain now. Tested negative for all autoimmune disorders like RA and diabetes. Past hx of illegal substance use like heavy stimulant's, sarms and peptides for physical pain (ostarine, mk-677, tb-500, bpc-157). What is wrong with me, where do I start, how do I get my health back? I feel hopeless after going to the doctor over 40 times in the last 6 years and I have come to reddit because I don't know what to do anymore.

Any and all advice is appreciated, and I apologize for how long this is. Here's my story: I am a 26 y/o male. I have pretty good genetics. Been lifting weights over 10 years, very athletic, varsity wrestling, boxing, 315 bench, 315 front squat, can do backflips, all that freak athlete stuff. Ever since I turned 19, my health has slowly been deteriorating. At 19, I tore my lateral meniscus and MCL, and needed surgery. I also have a herniated disc between L4/L5, which causes me a lot of sciatica and lower back pain. Simultaneously, I developed thoracic outlet syndrome and started having a lot of nerve pain at this age. Also, randomly developed seborrheic dermatitis which has plagued my scalp and beard for years now. A year later, the nerve pain went to my elbows and I was diagnosed with cubital tunnel syndrome. Since then, It has gotten consistently harder for me to work out. Any movements I perform, I feel pain. Can't do any presses because I get shoulder and elbow pain. Can't do any leg movements because I get knee and back and hip pain. This has only worsened the past 6 years. Now recently, I have developed severe patellar tendinitis in both knees and it even hurts to walk. This has occurred the last year now. My sciatica is also flaring up at all time high pain levels. I also was diagnosed with chronic prostatitis because It's been over 6 months and 4 different courses of antibiotics and it won't go away. Currently taking ciprofloxacin which has crazy side effects, 1000mg/day for 21 days. I suspect that's making my knees worse but I'm not sure. On top of all this, the last 6 months or so I have noticed I am always out of breath. I can be walking slowly and talking to someone and after every sentence I need a deep breath. This is very abnormal for me, I used to box and my cardio is phenomenal. Why the fuck am I out of breathe talking about my day. On top of this, my feet are always freezing. I was sitting in a sauna and my whole body was warm but my feet were cold. I also got diagnosed with hypothyroidism TSH 9.5 and I'm on 25mcg levothyroxin to start out to help with tiredness. At night, I get very strong heart palpitations but I'm not sure if it's anxiety or a heart issue. My heart will beat, then 1 of the beats will take a long pause, disrupt the rhythm, and then when the beat returns it feels like a very strong "thump" in my chest as if someone just punched my chest. Very aggressive heart beat. I have to focus all my energy on breathing and relaxing to sleep. My question is, does anyone have any idea wtf is wrong with me? The last 6 years of my life I have literally been deteriorating. I'm only 26 and my health is going down the drain month by month. Everything hurts all the time. I feel like a grandpa. My seb derm is so bad I have literal yellow chunks of flakes on my face and scalp. Do I have cancer? Should I be checked for any specific conditions? I tested negative for any autoimmune conditions like RA or diabetes, and my doctor thought my thyroid was causing all this pain but even after my tsh going back down to 4.5 I see no improvement.
I'd like to add: I have used illegal substances many times since I was 18, and I wonder if all of that has damaged my health. from my time in college until now, about 8 years, I have used Adderall over 100 times. I have used the magic white powder we put in our noses maybe like 50 times. I was also addicted to caffeine so I have been a heavy stimulant user for 8 years straight and I only quit a few years ago, and caffeine recently. Also, my pain lead me down the rabbit hole of sarms and peptides and I have used mk-677 and ostarine together, which significantly improved my physical pain until I stopped using them. I have also injected bpc-157 and tb-500 for 6 weeks into my knees but that did not help at all.
I am not a drug addict, I am not a steroid user, nor do I want to be. All of my illegal substance use has been with a goal in mind 99% of the time, and if I was perfectly healthy I wouldn't be using anything.
My question is, could I have caused all of these symptoms on myself by trying to fix my problems myself? Or should I not be worried about the substances I have used? Should I get checked for cancer or will my doctor think I'm dramatic for asking? I don't even know where to start searching anymore or what to ask. I feel like my 20's have been taken from me because of my poor health. I just want to be able to run and jump and enjoy life again.
TL/DR: Freak athlete since 18, 18-26 multiple worsening health conditions (thoracic outlet, cubital tunnel, chronic patellar tendinitis, herniated discs, hypothyroidism, shortness of breathe, heart palpitations, seborrheic dermatitis, chronic prostatitis, cold feet, etc), losing my youth and always in pain, can't even walk without pain now. Tested negative for all autoimmune disorders like RA and diabetes. Past hx of illegal substance use like heavy stimulant's, sarms and peptides for physical pain (ostarine, mk-677, tb-500, bpc-157). What is wrong with me, where do I start, how do I get my health back? I feel hopeless after going to the doctor over 40 times in the last 6 years and I have come to reddit because I don't know what to do anymore.

Any and all advice is appreciated, and I apologize for how long this is. Here's my story: I am a 26 y/o male. I have pretty good genetics. Been lifting weights over 10 years, very athletic, varsity wrestling, boxing, 315 bench, 315 front squat, can do backflips, all that freak athlete stuff. Ever since I turned 19, my health has slowly been deteriorating. At 19, I tore my lateral meniscus and MCL, and needed surgery. I also have a herniated disc between L4/L5, which causes me a lot of sciatica and lower back pain. Simultaneously, I developed thoracic outlet syndrome and started having a lot of nerve pain at this age. Also, randomly developed seborrheic dermatitis which has plagued my scalp and beard for years now. A year later, the nerve pain went to my elbows and I was diagnosed with cubital tunnel syndrome. Since then, It has gotten consistently harder for me to work out. Any movements I perform, I feel pain. Can't do any presses because I get shoulder and elbow pain. Can't do any leg movements because I get knee and back and hip pain. This has only worsened the past 6 years. Now recently, I have developed severe patellar tendinitis in both knees and it even hurts to walk. This has occurred the last year now. My sciatica is also flaring up at all time high pain levels. I also was diagnosed with chronic prostatitis because It's been over 6 months and 4 different courses of antibiotics and it won't go away. Currently taking ciprofloxacin which has crazy side effects, 1000mg/day for 21 days. I suspect that's making my knees worse but I'm not sure. On top of all this, the last 6 months or so I have noticed I am always out of breath. I can be walking slowly and talking to someone and after every sentence I need a deep breath. This is very abnormal for me, I used to box and my cardio is phenomenal. Why the fuck am I out of breathe talking about my day. On top of this, my feet are always freezing. I was sitting in a sauna and my whole body was warm but my feet were cold. I also got diagnosed with hypothyroidism TSH 9.5 and I'm on 25mcg levothyroxine to start out to help with tiredness. At night, I get very strong heart palpitations but I'm not sure if it's anxiety or a heart issue. My heart will beat, then 1 of the beats will take a long pause, disrupt the rhythm, and then when the beat returns it feels like a very strong "thump" in my chest as if someone just punched my chest. Very aggressive heart beat. I have to focus all my energy on breathing and relaxing to sleep. My question is, does anyone have any idea wtf is wrong with me? The last 6 years of my life I have literally been deteriorating. I'm only 26 and my health is going down the drain month by month. Everything hurts all the time. I feel like a grandpa. My seb derm is so bad I have literal yellow chunks of flakes on my face and scalp. Do I have cancer? Should I be checked for any specific conditions? I tested negative for any autoimmune conditions like RA or diabetes, and my doctor thought my thyroid was causing all this pain but even after my tsh going back down to 4.5 I see no improvement.
I'd like to add: I have used illegal substances many times since I was 18, and I wonder if all of that has damaged my health. from my time in college until now, about 8 years, I have used Adderall over 100 times. I have used the magic white powder we put in our noses maybe like 50 times. I was also addicted to caffeine so I have been a heavy stimulant user for 8 years straight and I only quit a few years ago, and caffeine recently. Also, my pain lead me down the rabbit hole of sarms and peptides and I have used mk-677 and ostarine together, which significantly improved my physical pain until I stopped using them. I have also injected bpc-157 and tb-500 for 6 weeks into my knees but that did not help at all.
I am not a drug addict, I am not a steroid user, nor do I want to be. All of my illegal substance use has been with a goal in mind 99% of the time, and if I was perfectly healthy I wouldn't be using anything.
My question is, could I have caused all of these symptoms on myself by trying to fix my problems myself? Or should I not be worried about the substances I have used? Should I get checked for cancer or will my doctor think I'm dramatic for asking? I don't even know where to start searching anymore or what to ask. I feel like my 20's have been taken from me because of my poor health. I just want to be able to run and jump and enjoy life again.
TL/DR: Freak athlete since 18, 18-26 multiple worsening health conditions (thoracic outlet, cubital tunnel, chronic patellar tendinitis, herniated discs, hypothyroidism, shortness of breathe, heart palpitations, seborrheic dermatitis, chronic prostatitis, cold feet, etc), losing my youth and always in pain, can't even walk without pain now. Tested negative for all autoimmune disorders like RA and diabetes. Past hx of illegal substance use like heavy stimulant's, sarms and peptides for physical pain (ostarine, mk-677, tb-500, bpc-157). What is wrong with me, where do I start, how do I get my health back? I feel hopeless after going to the doctor over 40 times in the last 6 years and I have come to reddit because I don't know what to do anymore.