Ok, so for context, my (49M) sister (51F) has a 22-year-old son. My nephew's dad and my sister were not married, only dating, and they broke up after your nephew was born. Now your nephew's dad is a very wealthy man and was able to provide your nephew and his other kids with a very lavish lifestyle. My nephew grew up very rich. He went to a very expensive private school, always had very expensive designer clothes from head to toe, had a chauffeur, was well traveled, et cetera. My nephew's dad paid $20,000 a month in child support and while this might seem like a lot, my nephew's father is very wealthy and this wasn't much for him. This gave my sister a comfortable life after my nephew was born.
My sister remarried and her husband quit his job to live off my sister's child support since it was enough to support them and their new family but they were very irresponsible with their money, always blowing it on stuff, not saving and investing, and my sister always had a problem with my nephew's life. I love my nephew. He's a very humble young man and I'm so happy that he never had to stuggle and that he's lived an extremely privileged life (especially since we are people of color) and he will never have to stuggle but he is very spoiled and out of touch.
Like I said, he's basically a spoiled rich kid, a trust fund baby (which on the surface isn't bad), but my sister had a problem with it. She didn't like the fact that he went to an extremely expensive private school and that all his friends came from very wealthy families. She didn't like his designer clothes or his lavish lifestyle. When my nephew turned 18, he stopped seeing his mother, went to an expensive college for rich kids and basically had no contact with his mom. My sister also doesn't like my nephew's girlfriend (27F), who also comes from an extremely wealthy family, and my sister doesn't like her for this reason; she wanted him to date a girl who came from a lower-class, working-class, or middle-class background, not an upper-class one. After my nephew turned 18, he went without contact with his mom, and this was very bad for my sister. Remember how I said she was very irresponsible with the money?
Well, since she's not getting child support anymore, they were beginning to really struggle financially, and they ran out of all the money and my nephew's dad won't financially support her anymore. My sister and her husband have teen sons. My sister feels like her son should financially support them and his teen brothers. Like I said, my nephew has a very large trust fund and could easily support his mom and their family, but he chooses not to. I don't agree with this at all.
What did Uncle Ben say? "With great power comes great responsibility." My nephew was born to an extremely wealthy man, which obviously makes him very wealthy. By association, my nephew lives a very privileged lifestyle and has a lot of money and power. With that power comes great responsibility, and that responsibility is using that money to take care of his family.
He has the power to financially support his mother, his stepfather, and his stepbrothers, and because he has that power, he has a moral obligation to help them. I'm not going to sit here and defend my sister and act like she was the greatest person. She didn't like her ex-boyfriends and her son's lavish, wealthy lifestyle, but at the same time, she was more than willing to live off them and the very large child support because they were irresponsible with the money. They are in trouble but that doesn't change the fact that my nephew should help her. What do you think?
TLDR: My (49M) nephew (22M) won’t help his mother (51F) What should I do?

Ok, so for context, my (49M) sister (51F) has a 22-year-old son. My nephew's dad and my sister were not married, only dating, and they broke up after your nephew was born. Now your nephew's dad is a very wealthy man and was able to provide your nephew and his other kids with a very lavish lifestyle. My nephew grew up very rich. He went to a very expensive private school, always had very expensive designer clothes from head to toe, had a chauffeur, was well traveled, et cetera. My nephew's dad paid $20,000 a month in child support and while this might seem like a lot, my nephew's father is very wealthy and this wasn't much for him. This gave my sister a comfortable life after my nephew was born.
My sister remarried and her husband quit his job to live off my sister's child support since it was enough to support them and their new family but they were very irresponsible with their money, always blowing it on stuff, not saving and investing, and my sister always had a problem with my nephew's life. I love my nephew. He's a very humble young man and I'm so happy that he never had to stuggle and that he's lived an extremely privileged life (especially since we are people of color) and he will never have to stuggle but he is very spoiled and out of touch.
Like I said, he's basically a spoiled rich kid, a trust fund baby (which on the surface isn't bad), but my sister had a problem with it. She didn't like the fact that he went to an extremely expensive private school and that all his friends came from very wealthy families. She didn't like his designer clothes or his lavish lifestyle. When my nephew turned 18, he stopped seeing his mother, went to an expensive college for rich kids and basically had no contact with his mom. My sister also doesn't like my nephew's girlfriend (27F), who also comes from an extremely wealthy family, and my sister doesn't like her for this reason; she wanted him to date a girl who came from a lower-class, working-class, or middle-class background, not an upper-class one. After my nephew turned 18, he went without contact with his mom, and this was very bad for my sister. Remember how I said she was very irresponsible with the money?
Well, since she's not getting child support anymore, they were beginning to really struggle financially, and they ran out of all the money and my nephew's dad won't financially support her anymore. My sister and her husband have teen sons. My sister feels like her son should financially support them and his teen brothers. Like I said, my nephew has a very large trust fund and could easily support his mom and their family, but he chooses not to. I don't agree with this at all.
What did Uncle Ben say? "With great power comes great responsibility." My nephew was born to an extremely wealthy man, which obviously makes him very wealthy. By association, my nephew lives a very privileged lifestyle and has a lot of money and power. With that power comes great responsibility, and that responsibility is using that money to take care of his family.
He has the power to financially support his mother, his stepfather, and his stepbrothers, and because he has that power, he has a moral obligation to help them. I'm not going to sit here and defend my sister and act like she was the greatest person. She didn't like her ex-boyfriends and her son's lavish, wealthy lifestyle, but at the same time, she was more than willing to live off them and the very large child support because they were irresponsible with the money. They are in trouble but that doesn't change the fact that my nephew should help her. What do you think?

Ok, so for context, my (49M) sister (51F) has a 22-year-old son. My nephew's dad and my sister were not married, only dating, and they broke up after your nephew was born. Now your nephew's dad is a very wealthy man and was able to provide your nephew and his other kids with a very lavish lifestyle. My nephew grew up very rich. He went to a very expensive private school, always had very expensive designer clothes from head to toe, had a chauffeur, was well traveled, et cetera. My nephew's dad paid $20,000 a month in child support and while this might seem like a lot, my nephew's father is very wealthy and this wasn't much for him. This gave my sister a comfortable life after my nephew was born.
My sister remarried and her husband quit his job to live off my sister's child support since it was enough to support them and their new family but they were very irresponsible with their money, always blowing it on stuff, not saving and investing, and my sister always had a problem with my nephew's life. I love my nephew. He's a very humble young man and I'm so happy that he never had to stuggle and that he's lived an extremely privileged life (especially since we are people of color) and he will never have to stuggle but he is very spoiled and out of touch.
Like I said, he's basically a spoiled rich kid, a trust fund baby (which on the surface isn't bad), but my sister had a problem with it. She didn't like the fact that he went to an extremely expensive private school and that all his friends came from very wealthy families. She didn't like his designer clothes or his lavish lifestyle. When my nephew turned 18, he stopped seeing his mother, went to an expensive college for rich kids and basically had no contact with his mom. My sister also doesn't like my nephew's girlfriend (27F), who also comes from an extremely wealthy family, and my sister doesn't like her for this reason; she wanted him to date a girl who came from a lower-class, working-class, or middle-class background, not an upper-class one. After my nephew turned 18, he went without contact with his mom, and this was very bad for my sister. Remember how I said she was very irresponsible with the money?
Well, since she's not getting child support anymore, they were beginning to really struggle financially, and they ran out of all the money and my nephew's dad won't financially support her anymore. My sister and her husband have teen sons. My sister feels like her son should financially support them and his teen brothers. Like I said, my nephew has a very large trust fund and could easily support his mom and their family, but he chooses not to. I don't agree with this at all.
What did Uncle Ben say? "With great power comes great responsibility." My nephew was born to an extremely wealthy man, which obviously makes him very wealthy. By association, my nephew lives a very privileged lifestyle and has a lot of money and power. With that power comes great responsibility, and that responsibility is using that money to take care of his family.
He has the power to financially support his mother, his stepfather, and his stepbrothers, and because he has that power, he has a moral obligation to help them. I'm not going to sit here and defend my sister and act like she was the greatest person. She didn't like her ex-boyfriends and her son's lavish, wealthy lifestyle, but at the same time, she was more than willing to live off them and the very large child support because they were irresponsible with the money. They are in trouble but that doesn't change the fact that my nephew should help her. What do you think?

Ok, so for context, my (49M) sister (51F) has a 22-year-old son. My nephew's dad and my sister were not married, only dating, and they broke up after your nephew was born. Now your nephew's dad is a very wealthy man and was able to provide your nephew and his other kids with a very lavish lifestyle. My nephew grew up very rich. He went to a very expensive private school, always had very expensive designer clothes from head to toe, had a chauffeur, was well traveled, et cetera. My nephew's dad paid $20,000 a month in child support and while this might seem like a lot, my nephew's father is very wealthy and this wasn't much for him. This gave my sister a comfortable life after my nephew was born.
My sister remarried and her husband quit his job to live off my sister's child support since it was enough to support them and their new family but they were very irresponsible with their money, always blowing it on stuff, not saving and investing, and my sister always had a problem with my nephew's life. I love my nephew. He's a very humble young man and I'm so happy that he never had to stuggle and that he's lived an extremely privileged life (especially since we are people of color) and he will never have to stuggle but he is very spoiled and out of touch.
Like I said, he's basically a spoiled rich kid, a trust fund baby (which on the surface isn't bad), but my sister had a problem with it. She didn't like the fact that he went to an extremely expensive private school and that all his friends came from very wealthy families. She didn't like his designer clothes or his lavish lifestyle. When my nephew turned 18, he stopped seeing his mother, went to an expensive college for rich kids and basically had no contact with his mom. My sister also doesn't like my nephew's girlfriend (27F), who also comes from an extremely wealthy family, and my sister doesn't like her for this reason; she wanted him to date a girl who came from a lower-class, working-class, or middle-class background, not an upper-class one. After my nephew turned 18, he went without contact with his mom, and this was very bad for my sister. Remember how I said she was very irresponsible with the money?
Well, since she's not getting child support anymore, they were beginning to really struggle financially, and they ran out of all the money and my nephew's dad won't financially support her anymore. My sister and her husband have teen sons. My sister feels like her son should financially support them and his teen brothers. Like I said, my nephew has a very large trust fund and could easily support his mom and their family, but he chooses not to. I don't agree with this at all.
What did Uncle Ben say? "With great power comes great responsibility." My nephew was born to an extremely wealthy man, which obviously makes him very wealthy. By association, my nephew lives a very privileged lifestyle and has a lot of money and power. With that power comes great responsibility, and that responsibility is using that money to take care of his family.
He has the power to financially support his mother, his stepfather, and his stepbrothers, and because he has that power, he has a moral obligation to help them. I'm not going to sit here and defend my sister and act like she was the greatest person. She didn't like her ex-boyfriends and her son's lavish, wealthy lifestyle, but at the same time, she was more than willing to live off them and the very large child support because they were irresponsible with the money. They are in trouble but that doesn't change the fact that my nephew should help her. What do you think?

Would super appreciate it if everyone reads this long-ass thesis of a post with an open mind and to the end...its me being vulnerable in an anonymous reddit sub because i think these things matter in the larger framework of a uniquely special show and the larger world we all as humans live in. My last post in this sub was downvoted to hell which btw totally ok...and i dont depend on reddit currency for my livelihood so its all good. I just care about my posts being read...specially this one.
Some context:
I'm very new to this community and the show as well. Currently have time off work and going ham on reddit and venturing very scared into the deep dark of world of rabid fandoms and small niche communities. Getting a little burnt along the way but also learning from some super talented fans with their own eye-opening ideas and funny posts. Im also an aspiring writer and well...some of my best ideas have come from reddit lurking on cool and active subs with bridgerton sub being new for me. Jet lagged, anxious and just a tad bit antsy, I'm trying to go down and deep and maybe open some deeper discussions here.
I am Indian and lived primarily in India my whole life and now for the last 10 years between London and Canada (why am I sharing all this like am I going to tell you my weight, my height etc too...No but hopefully you'll understand this revelation as you read ahead without me spelling it ou)
So I've been trying to figure out why fan wars about this show prick so personally.
I think fandoms anywhere in every country are full of insane people, obsessive chronically online people who find comfort through living through their faves..your beyonce stansm your rihanna stans, your Taylor Swift stans, your harry styles stans, your k pop fans, etc efc..
This show also has some rabid fans..But there is a conversation I want to open up only because I think it's important...Is fighting extra hard for your poc fave because you know their representation in pop culture is limited, their getting jobs is limited, subconscious biases exist even though we have been making great strides and even eradicated overt biases in employment, in accessibility, in government service etc etc ..
Our ideas of beauty are framed by the extensiveness and longevity of colonial rule across the world.
there are shit people across all ethnicities religions and genders and natjonalies. Barbarians, conquerors, invaders, pillaging villages raping women destroying livelihoods suppressing the peasant class, mutilating and diluting cultures exist in Africa, Indian subcontinent, East asia, middle East etc so not just Britain. Basically being brown, black or East Asian and Middle Eastern doesnt grant you moral superiority over white people and you can be racist and casteist and colorist and bigoted and biased and just all around shitty as a black, brown, east asian middle eastern just as much as white people.
So now that thats settled, lets look at specific issues that POC only face because that eventually streams into the show and its politics and its discussion as well.
But for whatever reason ...the British were able to colonize on a scale that the other countries and ethnicities were able to.. African and the Indian subcontinent's conquests and invasions were limited in area and time period...their scale of conquest limited to a small radious around their own countries...and not foreign lands travelled via sea etc. As a result and only as a result and not because and I cannot emphasize enough that black, brown or east asian invaders, rulers etc were morally superior, kinder, less assholes...the culture that became dominant was white british culture..or european culture...if Indians had conquered the world, they would have imposed their culture on the lands and countries rhey invaded, if different african countries invaded the world to the extent of the british colonists, same thing...the dominant culture that would have been forcibly imposed by the people of african ethnicity would be their culture... Black skin would have been considered beautiful, white fair skin would not have been the standard....thats history....thats something we know to be true even through modern wars...the victor dictates...But that simply didnt happen.
it's not because they were Africans or Asians or basically non white people morally superior or I don't know were like we don't invade and conquest, we so good. But because that's history. They just didn't manage it. thats simply our current historical reality. Being that the country that did manage to conquer the world or close to 9/10ths of it were european or more specifically British white nationals..which means as would happen even if another nationality had managed to invade the world, the culture that is dominant across the world is a west/white slanted world..
Colorism as a concept didnt exist until colonization: Why would it? If everyone existed under the same harsh sun, had the same skin color with minor variances...why would they think fair is more beautiful. Its because they wouldnt...the first blond haired blue eyed people would have been introduced to India via early traders of east india company in India and dutch colonists before them...Its like if everyone around you is brown, you assume thats just how everyone else looks like...thats the only reality you know...you simply havent seen anyone look any different..you havent seen blue eyes or anything else....same for africans and within that framework as humans are wont to do you create ideas of beauty.
So yes. POCs across the globe had just as arbitrary ideas of beauty as white people (chiense mutilated young women feet cuz small feet more beautiful, in africa genital mutiliation) because humans are humans and humans mess everything up...and animals are so much better...but color as a construct is a colonial one and one which managed to find deeep deep roots because of the extent of the rule, the sheer longevity, For context, India has been independent for the last 75 years..from over 200 years of colonial british rule...Not even the length of the life of a single human. Not even as long as Britains former queen was alive. It will take some more time for that in fighting and ideas of colorism deeply penetrated from the inheritance of our rulers to get dismanted...and totally thrown own...because you can freee from literall bondage more easily, the mind takes longer to adjust and form independent thought. But it will happen.
White people are not more or less racist than POC. Thats not a thing. There are shit people and you can find shit people anywhere...I have shit people right in my own home country, bigots, destroying the diversity of India by bullshit tactics...
But as it stands...because this cultural superiority of British and white people took over, the framing of beauty, of whats fashionable, of whats cool, of whats civilized is all seen through the lens of white culture...eating with hands which many cultures across the world do uncivilized unhygienic, paris fashions and made in italy...mark of excellence...made in India and China...cheap, low quality, scammers and shit people, (thats not to say shit people and scammers dont exist in India and China and there arent industries of scammers across these poorer nations but there is also denying the equisite craftasmanship across fashion and beauty in both countries-China and India.
Brown skin bad, even darker skin even bad etc etc...We wear clothes that our colonial masters did across the world, you wont find people in china wearing Chinese clothes, same for India, african countries etc...everything from clothing, to beauty, to furniture, to houses everything indigenous was changed to a foreign ideal from our rulers. The same would have happened whoever whichever ethnicity had invaded the world...like i said above..
Now and thanks for reading whoever read till here and I hope a lot of people did-on to to the show...
There is this frequent refrain and accusation of oppression olympics that I read about when it comes to this show, in general online discourse and also this insanely disgusting article fat shaming Nicola Coughlan in The Spectator.
And i really really want to open up this conversation...cuz race gets discussed a lot on this sub and other bridgerton subs and therefore a perfect place to have conversation...Do Non-POC really believe in the concept of opression olympics and that all kinds of biases are equally faced...
So I was overweight in my teens...I had a friend in a wheelchair...my life was hard and I was bullied but surely surely I do not think that my plight was the same as my friend in a wheelchair...In class 10th, a close friend's father passed away, the same year my grandmother passed away, surely, surelly, I dont think we are experiencing the same pain the same setback to our life...10th was when in India we have something akin to A levels in Britain and SAT in the USA..
You know why I didnt think any of this and why if I had i was wrong, because there is a hierarchy to opression, to loss, to struggles. There simply is. Pain is pain...but privilge is a thing and some loads just lighter compared to others. I could lose weight and get over the opression I was facing because of my weight in school. My wheelchair bound friend didnt have that option..I wouldnt get my grandmother back...but my fathers loss would have a more immediate affect on my life.
So when show fandom compare Jonathon Baileys struggle to Rege Jean George or say Victor Ali, they are simply pointing out that yes while Jonathon Bailey is gay...there is a difference between being white and gay and being black and gay or simply harder being black. And therefore there is a hierarchy. Why POC are less loath to crticize the average acting of their POC faves because they know the opportunities for them are limited. Lets do an exercise name 5 shows led by a POC in the USA or Britain or Canada-any POC..brown, black i dont care. And im not talking about black or brown actors in a show or film, im talking leads...
Also biases are self perpetuating....When black or brown led films fail, the opportunities immediately dry up because it shows that its just fairness and the numbers dont lie..Except this is not maths.....Maths would be first making equal amount of shows starring black or brown people, and then comparing...Now if the end result is white led shows do better-that would be correct math...but ratios and comparisons and statistics need to first start with an even scale...thats not even me taking about diversity...thats just math formulas...
If lets say there are 500 actors who are white in hollywood and 200 who are Black in hollywood, and lets say all 200 black actors are shit...would you say the statement...god white actors are so much better than black actors...no cuz the maths is not adding up...you compared 500 actors who were white of which 300 were excellent 200 bad and you made that into the conclusion that white actors are better because you were comparing only with 200 black actors to begin with...the actual math formula yieled equal number of bad and good actors..
Why people defend Kanthony harder...or wanted Simone Ashley to be promoted as much as Polin is because (lets go with my Math analogy again) all things being the same) unless Nicola and Luke are really bad actors compared to Simone Ashley, theyll still have it easier in acting...they simply will. they wont have to change their confusingly, long foreign sounding name, they wont have to work at assimilation in other ways, lets say they were muslim they wouldnt have been trying hard to sell themselves as Im just as liberal as you, im not a threat. And I love Luke Newton and Nicola Coughland-both seem like throughly, likable, personable, kind hearted beans..
Now my own experience. I have stated in an earlier post on this sub that I'm a Shonda Rhimes fan...because I have personally benefitted from the diversity she has included so naturally, so elegantly in all her shows. My own ideas of beauty, have been tested and transformed. In fact I know exactly the moment it happened...watching Christina Yang as a 14 year old...and thinking god meredith is so beautiful and I want to see more of HER and Izzie but then seeing christina again and again and again over each episode over hundreds of hours of binging, school, college, masters, big move outside India, my own constant this show..my brain was soft mushy and impressionable and christina yang, korean Sandra Oh became suddenly but actually slowly and then all at once became beautiful to me...I dont know when it happened but like the book Colin telling Penelope I dont know when or how and why others dont see it but you ARE beautiful in the book carriage scene. I found her hot, I found her cool. I cared to learn more about her Korean mother and her Jewish father and it didnt matter that the show never covered that culture..Christina was atheist and could handle her shit..even around racists.. But I still wanted to learn more about HER..a woman I simply didnt think was beautiful comparable to meredith and Izzie..me an impressionable 14 year old..just made that turn because of a show.,..a fluffy...not that deep soapy as hell show.
But it was only possible cuz I saw 24 episodes day in day out,...over many many years....for that to happen. I had many more years of falling asleep to dawsons creek joey and dawson, joey and pacey, gilmore girls rory and jess rory and dean rory and logan..i imagined and dreamt of windswept Mr. Darcy...and of course I luckily had my own countrys pop culture cuz I grew up and lived in a country where I was repped plenty eveywhere... So i found bollwood heroes hot and I found White americans or british people hot...my brain simply didnt have a framework for East Asians hot. And I needed to seem them constantly and frequentlyn and in Hot front and center, desirable covetable-their culture, their families all respected, admired again and again and again over many years for that switch to happen.
So why do we fight for our POV faves.. fight hard (some fight really ugly too which....they are not my people ( as in I dont know them) so sorry for that)....because we know how much more repping they need...we know how much MORE MORE MORE important it is to see POC culture done right...because it simply is not accessible,...cannot be to people outside..
K POP is making waves super..., people love themselves some MANGA and kimchi...so good and progress...but a lot of countries pop culture is in the native tongue...people outside of it cannot access it...in the same way one would English language content-books, podcasts, news, films, shows etc etc. And hollywood does our culture wrong, played up for laughs, stinky curry, stinky indians, scamming Indians, uncivilized heathens, oh so funny that Sofia Vergara and her funny accent (The Ellen Show), niche shows that dont become popular behemoths because it stars all ethnic casts-Fresh Off the Boat.
You simply will not understand how brilliant and gorgeous my country's embroideries, temple art, clothing and fashion, actors and sculptors, museums and writing and authors are...not because YOU are racist..but because you dont speak-my language and my culture isnt dominant or wide spread enough-insert again-my above explanation of colonialism and dominant and suppressed cultures. History made one culture the most widespread...again not because white people, bad and racist...brown and black people good and not racist and benevolent..but they simply were the victors...for centuries...plural.
We want to fight harder for Rege and defend him leaving the show (im not even black but when you live outside of your home country, all POC seem like a united underrepresented group and you find kinship everywhere) because any potential cancellation or quote unquote unlikeability and hes difficult accusations would hurt him far far more than Nicola Coughlan, Luke Thompson, Newton, Phoebe etc. for the same crimes. And there just arent enough of us to begin with to lose even one. For what is quite honestly a mid Netflix show with seeds of promise but a lack of ambition.

Prequel (Parts 1 to 16)
1. Rise of a Valkyrie
First ¦ Previous ¦ Royal Road ¦ Patreon
When Kayla awoke, she found herself curled up on a couch in the Banshee’s infirmary. In the nearest bed, Thandi appeared to be sleeping peacefully. Across from her, Yak was hooked up to several scary looking tubes, but her vitals looked stable. Most of the rest of the beds were also filled. Another successful Valkyrie operation, Kayla thought, bitterly.
She didn’t remember the trip back from the planet. She did remember being told that nobody had found any sign of Rayker, and that memory kindled a little of the rage that never burned out. They had been through a nightmare for nothing.
“I wondered how long you would be asleep,” a voice said.
Kayla turned to see Christie sat on the end of her couch. Her friend seemed to be weighed down by sadness as she put aside the tablet she was typing on and smiled back at her.
“Wha— uh…” Kayla managed, as her stiff tongue flapped helplessly. She yawned and stretched.
“Twenty-three wounded in total,” Christie said. “Thandi will walk again in a week. Yak’s going to be in a coma for the next month. Fortunately, nothing struck her vital organs. And, by the way, one of the Raider squads was also involved in a friendly fire incident.”
Kayla focused on her, then looked away. “Jesus,” she said to herself. “God dammit.”
“Thandi wouldn’t like that,” Christie scolded. “Heathen.”
Kayla stood up and began to pace slowly as she wrapped her arms around herself. “I can’t believe I—”
“I’m going to stop you right there,” Christie said, “because you’ve been asleep for about ten hours. In the interim, I was able to speak with several Rangers about what happened. It was not your fault. Not entirely.”
Kayla shook her head. “Yes, it was. Oh, God, yes it was. I should have seen them, I should have had a stronger optic, I should have—”
“Corporal Rudaski misread her map. So did the leader of second squad. You were both actually in hall hotel-four. The base was constructed in a circular pattern of radially linked zones, orbiting a central facility. It’s a highly abstract layout that we have never seen before. Most Ranger battalions have spent the last several centuries clearing logical, grid-like layouts in ships and bunkers. Under fire, it is easy to see how confusion caused units to lose track of their positions as they advanced. Most of the platoons did, actually, at one point or another. And, in my opinion, we did not have anything like the troop numbers needed to comfortably secure that site. A consequence, no doubt, of Valkyrie’s failure to prepare and train for large scale deployments, for which there has been no requirement in at least a millennia, so they tell me.”
Kayla turned to her with a puzzled expression. “You figured all that out already?”
“I’m drafting a report on the matter. I can’t sleep, you see, because the flaws of this operation stem entirely from the task force’s desire to follow Rayker until she discovered the tracker. We found it in the central command chamber. It was sealed in a wrapping of fat and muscle tissue, which she obviously cut out of herself hours before the tamper alarm sensed the toxins of cell decay. She left it there for us to find. To taunt us, no doubt.”
Christie yawned deeply, stood up and brushed her sweater off. “Do you see, Kayla, that the intelligence team were making decisions based off of my actions on Ambrosia, when I planted that device?” She smiled bitterly. “And I had the arrogance to think I was outwitting the woman. So, in a way, it’s my fault.”
Kayla swallowed and slowly shook her head. Then she grabbed her friend and held her in a tight hug. “War sucks,” she said. “Everything about it is awful.”
“I agree. Nevertheless, we are drawn to it, like moths to a flame perhaps?”
Kayla released her and collapsed into the couch. “When I slept, I had a dream. I was in Plato’s cave, but I got free. Outside there was a dragon, burning everything in sight. The world was covered in ash, and the puppets casting shadows were dead bodies,” She wiped moisture out of her eye. “He said, ‘come out and play, little girl’.”
Christie nodded. “We were lucky nobody was killed today. Rayker will certainly cost us more blood before we manage to catch her. She could have set up a much stronger defense than a battalion of light combat drones, but she didn’t.”
Kayla reached into her pocket and found her necklace. She placed it over her head and ran a thumb over the engraved name.
She looked back at Christie. “Why not?”
“The freighter the Sirène caught was carrying several large combat walkers, produced by that plant. A deep space survey revealed that a second freighter had jumped away earlier. No doubt Rayker’s escape—she seems to have plotted a course opposite the star from where we stopped at the minefield. There seems to be no question that she had the main force of those machines with her.”
“Any idea where they went?”
Christie turned away to retrieve her tablet. “Not yet, unfortunately.”
“May the saints have mercy,” said a voice, “if a shot up woman cannot get a wink of sleep with all the talking in here.”
Kayla whirled around to see Thandi, sitting up in her bed. She darted over and grabbed her into a bearhug.
“I’m really sorry I got you shot,” she said.
“Yeah,” Thandi said looking pleased with herself. “And to apologize, you’ll be fetching me chocolate cake from the mess until I get out of here.” She lowered her voice. “Seriously though, Kayla, I need you. The food is terrible.”
Kayla chuckled. “You can count on me.”
“How are you feeling, wonder woman?”
“Oh, uh… not that wonderful to be honest.”
“Leaping tall structures in a single bound?” Thandi grinned admiringly at her. “You had a bit of a superhero moment.”
Kayla raised her eyebrows. “I tore half the muscles in my body. It was definitely not awesome.”
“Sure looked like it. I don’t even know how you do stuff like that. The Lord moved you.”
Christie cleared her throat and gave Thandi a significant look.
Thandi rolled her eyes. “It’s a compliment—I’m not diminishing what you did.”
Kayla returned her cheerful gaze with a flat expression. She had felt like everyone she cared about was about to die. Like her soul had been lit on fire, and the only way to put it out had been to move like a lightning bolt. It was not something she ever wanted to experience again.
“I was on probation for the incident on Ambrosia,” she reminded Thandi. “I will definitely be dropped back to private from now on.”
“Oh,” Thandi’s sparkling eyes darkened. “Well, that sucks. I hope they don’t. You straight up saved us all from an ambush at the start of that firefight. And the illume drone—you made lots of good calls down there.”
Kayla shook her head. “I shouldn’t be a team leader. I keep losing control. I can’t let… I don’t respond well when any of you are in danger.”
Thandi grabbed her hand, and squeezed it. “What happens to us is not up to you, my dear. It’s in God’s hands alone.”
Kayla didn’t know what to say. She wasn’t sure if she could accept that.
“How’s the pain?” Christie asked.
“Oh,” Thandi said and waved her hand. “Nothing too severe. I think of how Rose would be responding, and I know I can handle anything.”
Christie nodded silently.
“She speaks to me, in my dreams. She tells me how proud she is of us.” Thandi glanced at Kayla. “She says you are a true leader.”
Kayla turned away, unable to keep her eyes from tearing up.
“Will you be up in time for the merger?” Christie asked.
“On crutches maybe,” Thandi said. “But I wouldn’t miss it for the world. I can’t imagine anything more glorious.”
“What’s that?” Kayla asked before slowly turning back.
“The Banshee is returning to Tyr,” Christie explained. “On the way back, we have been tasked with collecting a probe that was observing a binary star merger. We will have the opportunity to observe the event live.”
“Whatever,” Kayla said with an eye roll. She was a little offended that their task force had been assigned a science project after what had happened. “Nerd stuff, right?”
Christie laughed, and met Thandi’s eyes with a smirk. “If you say so.”
Thandi shifted against her pillows. “How is the mood of the ship?” she said to Christie. “Are people still angry?”
“What do you mean?” Kayla cut in.
Thandi glanced back and forth between them. “You didn’t tell her?”
Christie waved a dismissive hand. “Oh, but with all that’s happening I didn’t think it pertinent. Why add to our already substantial burdens?”
“What’s going on?” Kayla demanded, and felt her hair stand on end.
Christie smiled tightly. “ODT Four seized the freighter and searched it thoroughly. No evidence of Rayker, as I said.”
“Yeah? And?”
“Well, they found a false compartment in one of the holds. And there were a pair of young teenagers inside. A boy and a girl.”
“In rags, and chained up,” Thandi added.
Kayla realized her jaw had clenched. She felt her skin crawl with a new kind of horror. “Oh my God,” she said, then glanced at Thandi. “Sorry.”
“In this case you get a dispensation.”
“Obviously,” Christie continued, “the pour souls will be returned to their families. A terrible situation.”
Kayla’s mind buzzed with questions. “What is—uh… where was it from? The ship?”
“Intaba,” Thandi said sullenly. “A VennZech registered vessel. Justice cannot come swiftly enough for the demon scum who perpetrated this evil on my homeworld…” she frowned as she lost her words, and clenched her fists together.
“Do you think Valkyrie will start interdicting their ships?” Kayla asked.
“No,” Christie said. “Hence the angry mood. It is a problem the organization has faced since humanity took to the stars. The chieftains have resolutely refused to address it. Our mission statement is to protect humanity, not interfere with their conduct. Frankly I have to agree with them, though I appear to be in the minority.”
Kayla stared at her incredulously. “But that’s bullshit,” she said. “How can you be okay with letting something like that go?”
Christie arched an eyebrow. “A secret army of super soldiers, with access to civilization destroying technology, and who answer—as far as we know—to nobody but themselves? The very thought of interfering gives me an existential crisis. However tragic the situation, it seems obvious that we must maintain our distance.”
Kayla shook her head. She already felt hot anger driving her to act. How could such monsters be allowed to walk freely in a just galaxy?
“All that it takes for evil to succeed—” Thandi began.
“Please can we not continue this conversation?” Christie snapped. “I’ve had enough of being insulted by some of my colleagues. I don’t want it from my friends too.”
Kayla exchanged looks with Thandi, but she owed her best friend the space she wanted.
“I promise, I won’t bring it up again, Chris,” she said.
***
Kayla ate in the ship’s mess then returned to her bunk, where the rest of the squad were waiting. They were talking in somber tones, but fell silent when she approached.
Kes stood up and beckoned to her. “Platoon ready room, this way.”
Once shut away in privacy, Kes sat her down and they retraced every event that had occurred inside the base. Every decision was picked apart minutely, with no judgement or grievance allowed.
“I needed us to go through this as soon as possible,” she explained. “This will sit with you for the rest of your life. We all made mistakes, but nobody should feel incriminated. I have been through five blue on blue incidents. This shit just happens, and I guarantee it will happen to you again in the future.”
Kayla felt a little relief as she spoke with her squad leader and found that she was neither alone, nor justified in hating herself. They had been moving quickly through a confusing environment, making a deadly situation much more likely.
“One last thing, though,” Kes added somberly. “Private Voigt from second squad fired the burst that hit Yak and Thandi. She is being removed from the battalion. By her own account, she returned Yak’s fire without any kind of communication with her team leader, or any attempt to check the position of friendlies. That was a major SOP violation when she knew they were expecting to move in our direction.”
Kayla absorbed this with shock. She couldn’t argue with it; after all, what good was a Ranger who couldn’t do her job? And didn’t that mean that the same punishment should apply to her?
She cleared her throat. Terror gnawed at her insides as Kes stared at her expectantly.
“I lost control again,” Kayla said.
“Yup,” Kes said, and rubbed her eyes with obvious frustration. “And this time, your actions swiftly ended a dangerous firefight following a terrible accident. Yak got immediate medical attention because of that. On the other hand, you put yourself in a position to be killed or wounded where no-one could help you.”
There was a long pause while the corporal appeared to search a distant horizon. “You don’t need a lecture, and Akane can’t make a decision on you. Yak was my next choice for Lance Corporal, but she’s out of action, along with a bunch of others. Together with this Rayker shitshow, it is not the time to be shuffling people around.”
Kayla’s brow furrowed “What about Ray?”
“Oh,” Kes ran a hand through her hair. “Every time I’ve offered it, she’s refused. Anyway, we’ve already been told by Captain Aguilar to expect a new private out of Ranger school once we return to Tyr.”
“Yes, Corporal,” Kayla said, unsure what to think about the decision.
“I’ve seen you make good decisions in the field. But I will push to replace you when the opportunity comes up again.” Kes narrowed her eyes. “Unless you can show me I’m wrong before that happens.”
Kayla left the room with her head spinning. She was keeping her job, even though she obviously didn’t have what it took to lead Rangers in combat.
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Prequel (Parts 1 to 16)
1. Rise of a Valkyrie

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Okay, so I've been working on a load order the past few weeks, have restarted a new save several times & keep running into this issue. At this point I'm unsure if my mod list or Bethesda is to blame, I remember years back when Fallout 4 released the dlc Automatron had issues with crashing, possibly the new update bugged missions again or possibly Bethesda never actually fixed them to begin with.
So anyway enough scapegoating, the issue I'm having is every time I'm on certain missions & walk through a door with a siren going off my game will CTD. These are the following missions I've experienced crashes on thus far: 1. "Restoring Order" mission while approaching the Mechanist inside the RobCo Center at a certain point a siren will go off & game will CTD. 2. "Echoes of the Past" mission while trying to clear the Atlantic Offices building of Enclave Soldiers, like before certain point in building sirens will go off & game with CTD. 3. "The Secret of Cabot House" mission while helping Jack reach the basement, same thing as others once i get to a certain point sirens will go off & game will CTD. These are the missions I've came across so far that are causing the stupid siren to crash my game consistently, I'm sure there will be more & feel that it is related to Automatron dlc issues.
A few notes, I own all the DLC's & have them installed, I'm not currently using UFO4P mod. Here are a few things I've tried to fix issue: Uninstalled Automatron dlc (game wouldn't even start without crashing), moved Automatron dlc to external harddrive, Set my display settings to 30FPS, disabled AWKCR & S. C.A.P mod. None of these suggested fixes have worked, I'm running game on a Xbox Series X, the game runs mostly fine other then crashing when that dumb ass siren goes off.
My question is am I the only one experiencing these issues, I've tried searching & haven't seen any post with similar issues. Are there any mods in my load order that stand out that could be causing this issue, possibly I have mods out of place in my load order that are conflicting with each other? Is Automatron dlc just broken at the moment? Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated, I've been working on this load order for weeks & finally got it were I want it, I just want to actually beat the game for the first time but these missions being blocked is causing massive headache's.
Here is my load order that I'm running, listed how its currently ordered.

[LEGACY] Mutant Menagerie - Big Game Hunting (XBox) Armor And Weapon Keywords Community Resource (AWKCR) (XB1: All DLC) [XB1] Settlement Electricity Overhaul Revamped Player Responds To Pain By EngineGaming (Extended Version) ECO + NEO ALL DLCS MERGED - Has ammo crafting option SKK Fast Start New Game [Xbox] SKK Fast Start Location [Xbox] Legendary Modification Cheat Terminal [Xbox One] A Touch Of Life - Basic Immersive Fallout (DLC) Zombie Walkers (XB1) Worldwide Ghouls Fall Evil Mega Zombie Pack Boston - Less Enemies Random Encounter Manager [Xbox] Quality Of Life: Custom Ini Face Texture Glitch Fix A Bullet Time For Xbox One Idiot Savant & Better Criticals Redone (XB1) Rich Vendors+ [Complete] [XB1] Better Casing Ejection Glowing Animals Emit Light [XB1] Glowing Animals Emit Light - Far Harbor Add-On [XB1] Dynamic Light For Glowing Drinks X-01 Invisible Flashlight Remove X-01 Tesla Upgrade Kit (XB1) Weapon Jiggle Remover By MaxG3D [XB1] HUDFramework [XB1] HoloTime - HUD Clock Widget [XB1] Immersive HUD (IHUD) [XB1] Better Dials For Power Armor By Sanhedrinn Paper Vault Boy DEF_UI Core [XB1] - disabled [waiting on next gen update] DEF_UI HUDFramework Patch [XB1] - disabled, placeholder till DEF_UI fixed DEF_UI Preset Compass On Top By Chucksteel [XB1] - disabled, placeholder till DEF_UI fixed DEF_UI_INV_config Author's Picks [XB1] - disabled, placeholder till DEF_UI fixed DEF_UI_tags Icons Definitions (VIS) [XB1] - disabled, placeholder till DEF_UI fixed DEF_UI_tabs Inventory Tabs (VIS) [XB1] - disabled, placeholder till DEF_UI fixed Clarity - A Visual Overhaul NAC X Fixed NAC X - Nuka World NAC X - Far Harbor Clarity + NAC X (Patch) Sunlight Alignment Tweak - Better Dawn And Dusk [XB1] Visible Galaxy 4k Enhanced Lights And FX [XB1] Wasteland Illumination Shadowing Ed. True Grass 'Lite' + Grass Reworked [XB1] Overgrowth, Immersive Living Forests And Grasslands White Phosphor NVG/ High Tech Vision Kit Update CROSS Crit Gore-Verhaul Fixed Enhanced Blood Textures (Standard With 1k Resolution) (Official) Caliente's Beautiful Bodies Enhancer -CBBE- Curvy AIO Sexy Lingerie - Optional (Curvy_CBBE_BBP) [XB1] Natasha Face Texture Immersive Face Animations REMADE - IFAR - Serious Version (XB1) Immersive Mouth And Teeth True Eyes Gorgeous Vault Girl [XB1] Companion And NPC's Face Replacer All-In-One Pack By Keke-Bu [XB1] Ponytail Hairstyles By Azar V2.5a Better Settlers XBOX [XB1] Clean Faces Of Settlers Fallout 2287 - Gas Masks Of The Wasteland [XB1 Light Edition] Fallout 2287 - Universal Gas Masks [ XB1] Fallout 2287 - Gas Mask Biped Fix Gas Masks Of The Wasteland With NAC Updated Fallout 2287 - Nuclear Winter [XB1] - version 18 Hardcore Health Overhaul Immersive Animation Framework By AnotherOne Kane's Items Sorting (XB1) Modern Clear Purified Water And Gatorade Bourbon Replacer By Sdak1 [XB1] Russian Stimpack Replacer MAIM 2 Modern Pharmacy IAF MAIM 2 - Russian Stimpack Patch MAIM 2 - Hardcore Health Overhaul Patch MAIM 2 - Nuclear Winter Patch (FlashyJoer) - Advanced Needs 76 (ALL DLC) Girly Animation [XB1] More Girly Animation [XB1] Smokeable Cigars - Cigarettes - Joints - With Hardcore Auto Save (Updated) Running With Hands Animations XB1 Swimming Animations XB1 In-Game Third Person Camera Config (XB1) Much Better 3rd Person Animations Tactics [XB1] Glowing Sea Glowing Critters - XB1 More Behemoths In Commonwealth Amazing Follower Tweaks FO4 Edition What's Your Name? By Pra Commonwealth Ambience [REDUX] All DLC Stalker UI Sound Replacer Lost World - Immersive Soundtrack Replacer Distortion - Combat Music Replacer Icebreaker Settlements - Settler Dialogue Overhaul Louder Project Reality Footsteps FO4 Commonwealth Warfare - Realistic Gun Sounds And Bullet Cracks Commonwealth Warfare Explosions - No Ear Ringing Sounds Physics Impact Overhaul And Bullet Casing Sounds Bullet Impact Overhaul Where'd You Find This Legendary - KnightHasen Tarkov-Esque ADS Sound Replacer Tactical Weapon Foley - Weapon Equip Sounds Pick Up Ammo SFX Sanctuary Hot Springs Home & Settlement Red Rocket Bunker (XB1) The Red Wave (Reloaded) Fast Travel Player Home [XB1] APC Home On The Move (Xbox) APC - Home On The Move And Fallout 2287 Nuclear Winter (Compatibility Patch) N.E.S.T Survival Bunkers V1.5 Conquest - Build New Settlements And Camping [XB1] Taffington Boathouse Revamped Xb1 Sunshine Township A Tragedy For Xbox 1 Gunner Operator CBBE [XB1] Grease Rat Garbs - CBBE Curvy Classy Chassis Replacer Outfits (CBBE) Elite Riot Gear - Standalone See Through Scopes - GOTY [XB1] Zenit REDUX (AKM, AK-74, And AK-12) RU556 Revamp Accuracy International AX50 Anti-Materiel Rifle (1k) Honey Badger (1k) Steyr AUG - No Camos (1k) RPG7 Compress Version M2 Flamethrower Redux (Updated) Mp7 Revamp MP5 Complex V2 The M14 Standalone Rifle Police Shotgun (Remington 870) - Commonwealth Weaponry Expansion Glock 19x Revamp Glock Pack - 17 - 19 - ZevOZ9c By Marion Glock 19x And Glock Pack 10mm Replacer Enclave Plasma - Fallout 76 Recreation New Vegas Uniques 05: Sprtel-Wood 9700 (XB1) Classic 10mm Submachine Gun (1K Textures) New Vegas Uniques 13: Chance's Knife (XB1) New Vegas Uniques 11: Fist Of Rawr + Bonus (XB1) New Vegas Uniques 09: Golden Glove(S) (XB1) New Vegas Uniques 06: Holy Frag Grenade (XB1) Obtainable Animatronic Alien Blaster Quantum Weapon Pack Quick Step ADS Lean Patch [XB1]Tactical Tablet 2.1 Graf's Security Fences [XB1] A Simple Sleeping Bag Place Anywhere [XB1] [XB1] Building Budget Extender V4.3.1 S.C.A.P (Settlement Cleaning Reveals Absolute Perfection) 

​

I have so far been up all night as I can’t fall asleep for nothing. I have been stressing so much lately and there is nothing that can ease the stress.. on top of the thoughts of what can happen to the baby long term medical wise from all this stress. It’s honestly so much eating away at me and I just don’t know what to do with these thoughts. I am going to just write away everything that’s been eating away at me.. that is why this is going to be very long as it’s been a lot so far… I got off birth control in December as life was going amazing and it was giving me awful migraines as I was rearing my third year being on nexplanon. I knew that there could be a possibility of getting pregnant and honestly with how life was going the thought of potentially getting our boy as we have two girls right now was really exciting me. I have been working from home and recently got a huge raise and things were looking great. A month after getting off the birth control I started feeling weird, that intuition feeling came. Shortly after, my job that I had been with for almost 3 years randomly lays off a lot of employees including me with no notice or anything. I thought it would be a long term job but they eventually grew financial issues. Of course I didn’t want to abort this baby just because my job laid me off. I am a very independent person so of course I would do anything to make sure me and mine are straight. I start back doordashing full time from 9 am to 9 pm and I stay an hour from the nearest city so the stress of wear and tear on my car has always scared me but you gotta do what you gotta do as a parent. Of course they say I’m eligible for unemployment and I’ve tried endless times to file for it and they always denied me due to work searches as I wasn’t applying to the right places when I was applying EVERYWHERE. No matter what I put. Every week would get denied cause of this and the phone number is impossible to reach someone. So I’ve given up on unemployment. We lived off of our tax return plus DoorDashing which I really wanted to save this money. The work search has been so stressful. I got a seasonal job and did amazing at it working up to 18 hours overtime one day but they over hired people so there was way to many people to consider hiring everyone full time so once it ended less then a month of working there that was it. Until I got a call from my dream job which my mom and my bf mom both work there and it pays way higher then what I’ve made on top of providing a hybrid schedule too. I felt it was a stretch applying but my resume looked really good so I went for it. I got an interview with them and the interviewer loved me and said he felt really confident in me and would like to offer me the position. Of course I’m overly excited cause this is my dream job. After filling out the onboarding and going to scheduled onboarding appointments they state there was only one issue stopping my onboarding which was a previous account with them that had restrictions on it that I was not aware of. I trusted the wrong “friends” back in high school 7 YEARS AGO with my personal information not knowing any better and they did fraud with my information and of course it fell back on me. I even paid back every owed penny from the fraud to clear my name to move on from that mistake. They never told me they also proceeded to put restrictions cause of it. So my onboarding was put on hold until I handled the restrictions. Fast forward a month later of struggling making ends meet. We have no more income tax money.. but at least I finally receive a response saying the restrictions would be removed. So finally we receive great news. I let the people know and they proceed to let me know that someone will reach out to me in 5-7 days and it has now surpassed that time frame with no response and I am just so scared that they won’t follow through.. It is now June and I have been struggling to get a full time job since February and I am holding onto the little ounce of hope that this job will follow through like they said… Holding onto that ounce of hope as doordash grew very stressful I decided to pull all of my retirement out from my previous job to put into savings in case we need it for an emergency especially if the car were to go out on us. on top of our apartment lease renewal coming up. We did NOT want to renew the lease because this apartment has treated us HORRIBLY since we moved in. We came from a clean bug free apartment due to the rent randomly increasing twice since we moved in it and moved 30 minutes to be closer to my OLD job and his family. We moved into this apartment because I had a work friend refer it to me saying it was her first apartment and she fell in love with it. Not knowing we were going to get the worst apartment building probably out of the whole complex. Since we moved in we could not look at the apartment until after the lease was signed and given the keys. We moved ONE box into the place and came back days later to move the rest of our stuff. We moved that box and SO MANY roaches scattered from it and we knew instantly we got played and that now all of our things were going to be roach infested now. Fast forward almost a whole year later we have tried endless methods to get rid of them such as boric acid, orthene, endless traps, endless raid bottles, ONTOP of the apartment buildings monthly pest control coming in doing whatever they do and WE STILL HAVE THEM. No matter what we do they are not leaving as I believe even tho we try different methods it won’t matter if everyone else in the building aren’t trying to get rid of them. They are probably being constantly rotated between the other apartments around us so it’s useless. I DO NOT WANT TO BRING MY NEW BORN BABY INTO THIS APARTMENT. On top of all the plugs in the walls has blown in the living room. I let the landlord know about this and they sent there only technician to check it out and they didn’t know what they were doing. They switched the power surge switches on and off and it fixed the plugs but they proceeded to go back out the next day. We haven’t even been there a year and the refrigerator has been tearing up like crazy. The whole bottom of it has ripped off cause apparently the adhesive is so strong when closing and opening that it slowly tore its own frame off. We had to use gorilla glue to glue it back on and it’s so far worked. On top of the rims around the door got so many rips in it. The door holders on the fridge can’t hold anything heavy or else the whole shelf falls off same as the door handles on the freezer so we have to carefully move things around it and put only certain things in those spots or else it’s all going to the floor. The first red flag of the apartment is there are no washer and dryer hook ups and that is honestly the least of our problems with this place.. the bolts on the dish washer are so tiny and unscrewed with time and randomly the whole dish washer completely fell down from being poorly connected to the counter. Whenever you open it to put dishes in you have to hold the racks or else the whole dish washer will fall forward and they will roll out with all the dishes in it. I’m so over this place and we have BEEN ready to move out. So once the 30 days came up I contacted the landlord about the 30 day notice that we were going to move out before the lease renewed. She proceeded to tell me with no emotion that they required a 60 DAY notice in advance prior to our lease end date and that our lease already renewed for another YEAR. She didn’t even try to help us out and did not provide any kind of notice or reminding about the 60 day notice. She just kept repeating that we signed the lease and it is written in the lease. She said if we move out we will be responsible to pay the months rent for each upcoming month until a new tenant moves in and takes over the lease which is very unlikely as they have full control on whether they want to move someone new in or continue to bill us the monthly rent.. So now we are trying to figure out how we are going to work out this New obstacle/road block and I am already halfway through my pregnancy. All of this stress has been eating me alive for the whole beginning of my pregnancy and it ALL came out of the blue. This is not how I pictured being pregnant with my third baby and I feel completely miserable right now. I am struggling doordashing all day just waiting for any kind of good news. We are thinking about ditching this apartment and going to stay with my mom until we find a full time job to afford a new apartment as we just want to start the process of this landlord potentially searching for a new tenant to take this burden off of us. We do not wish to pay two apartment rents as my credit is amazing and I know if they put any of this apartments owed rent when we move out on my collections it will ruin my credit.. we have been growing it for when we are ready to get our first home. So I know not paying it is not an option for me. I’ve just been wishing this ongoing nightmare will finally come to an end and I can finally receive any kind of good news. I was sooo excited about this pregnancy but now I have zero excitement for it as I have been through endless stressing and roadblocks the whole pregnancy so far. I am afraid that this stress and pain will affect the baby long term.. I do not wish to bring this baby into this apartment as I fully wish to be in a new upgraded apartment bug free when the baby comes in October my birthday month.. It’s just super hard holding onto any kind of motivation right now and the pain is slowly eating me up inside.. I just really needed to get all of this off of my chest and hopefully maybe I can finally get some sleep right now. If you read all of this.. thank you for listening and all I can really say is check on your people cause you never know what they could be going through as life can hit so random at times..

In order to understand, I'll have to give a lot of context surrounding the job, so strap in. I work on a rig in North Dakota and there's a chain of command. The positions (lowest to highest) go floorhand, motorhand, derrickhand (me, 24M), driller, then toolpusher. There is a company representative for our customer but that won't be relevant in this story. The rig runs 24/7, with a day and night crew each working 12.5 hours for 14 day stretches. As you could probably imagine, we get irritated with each other from time to time as we work 175 hours in 2 weeks with no lunch breaks, short smoke breaks if a guy can find a minute. That being said, we do our best to get along out here. Nobody wants to hate someone they are stuck with for that long, no matter how different of lives we may lead form one another. Well, the two tool pushers weeks off are staggered from ours so we get 1 week with TP1, one week with TP2. 2 days ago (under TP2's tower), one of my floorhands told me he was going to write an anonymous email to HR about the condition of his man camp as the hands staying in there have been getting sick. Against my advice and behind my back, he sent the email. I had already discussed the issue with TP1 and he arranged to have the camp professionally cleaned. Word got back to the VP of drilling and he replaced their camp the same day. No problems, right? Wrong. At relief time that afternoon I went out to let the daytime derrickhand go in and TP2 was out there. He brought it up to everyone that there was a second email sent, outlining some problems someone had with him. I don't know the content of said email, but everyone has been referring to it as the "TP2 is a douchebag" email. I wasn't too surprised to hear that HR had been contacted about him because he can be a pain in the ass and very vindictive. I've worked with TP2 for 3 years now and while he has his moments, I respected him (definitely past tense now.) Later on in the evening, I went to his shack to ask him what was going on with the situation and he kept saying "I know who did it. That sucks for them because they have to come through me for a promotion. They have to come to me for anything they need out here." I had an issue with that statement because of how unprofessional (and illegal if I'm not mistaken) it was but I held my tongu and brushed it off. Promotions are a pretty common occurrence out here so it could have been anyone. At the beginning of my shift last night, he called me over to his man camp, where he started grilling me and accusing me of writing the email because I knew about the floorhands email. I clarified with him that I had advised against it and had already made plans with TP1 which I have definite proof of. He continued to press me and accuse me, and only stopped when I brought up all of the times him and I got into screaming matches because I wasn't afraid to call him out. He then said "I know it wasn't you, I just wanted to hear you say it. I know who did it." An hour ago when my relief came to work, he informed me that TP2 had already heavily insinuated to day crew that it was me to, to the point where they knew he couldn't have been talking about anyone else. There's already precursors for legal issues as it's clear as day that he has a vendetta and is trying to retaliate. At what point do I make a real stink of the issue? I want to believe that the issue can be resolved within the company, but I'm not a punk and won't let another man mess with my income/ career path. I have shown nothing but dedication to this company for 5 years and now I'm in a position where I feel like it will come to legal recourse. The hard part is proving retaliation because our job scope covers a wide range of tasks. Some of them REALLY suck. Cruel or unusall punishment seems like a stretch as it's hard to prove with a job such as this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, and I apologize for how long winded the post is. I want to be thorough so any advice I receive is relatively applicable to my situation. Feel free to disregard my opinion on the legalities, I wouldn't be here if I had a law degree.

I remember when I first heard about Dungeon Meshi. It was just a show that was coming up for Winter this year. I had never heard of the show prior to this, and based on the premise and PVs, I thought it'd just be another fantasy show that didn't really need to be a fantasy. Or one of those shows that use Fantasy like a skin because that's what sells.
I remember expecting it to be something similar to Campfire Cooking in Another world. I mean, the title "Delicious in Dungeon" Doesn't really tell me much.
The only seriously noteworthy thing I found about the show was "Oh, it's by Studio Trigger a pretty famous Studio," also I just realized this is the first Studio Trigger show I've seen. Another thing being during the KV reveal, soooo many people were talking about how this is one of if not their favourite manga of all time. And I was just like... huuuh??? I've never even heard of this manga, but somehow, everyone who's read it holds it on such a high regard. Also the fanbase (prior to the anime blowing up) seemed pretty chill.
I remember watching the first episode and thinking, aw, that's pretty nice.
I thought it had better world building and set designs than Campfire Cooking, but Campfire had the better looking food. Looking back, it's almost nothing like Campfire cooking aside from the food, but back then, I still had that expectation going into it.
By that point, I was also getting a bit of an anime burnout so I was ready to drop it once I got to the halfway 13 episode mark. It was better produced than a lot of other anime out there, but nothing about the story was really gripping.
I forgot what exactly pushed me to continue, but I will say, it's definitely not the Manga Readers who kept half spoiling during every episode discussion. Nevertheless, I kept going.
I think the closest comparison I can think of with my experience with this show is Fullmetal Alchemist. I wasn't really hooked early on, but before I knew it, when I reached a certain episode and looked back, I was already hooked.
Dungeon Meshi is probably my favourite Fantasy Anime the past 2 years. I'm pretty sure Next year's crunchyroll anime awards will have Frieren win, but man- Dungeon Meshi is just a whole different experience.
The world building in this show is phenomenal. It feels so rich and vast and the way they explain the "science" behind everything makes it feel more like a nature's documentary episode than a fantasy show. You forget these things aren't real and it starts to look more like a possibility.
The "food" are also insanely creative. The delicacies they can cook up with pretty much any creature can make you salivate. The frogs having protective skin against poisonous vines, the muscles living inside the hollow armours, the dragon sack containing gas and their mouths having a "click" to spark it. It's brilliant! This show is absolutely brilliant!
And it's not just the world building that makes this show feel so alive. How the author manages to balance out the perspectives of so many interesting characters and give them depth is fascinating to watch. Not just the main character's party, any and all characters introduced, even outside of that adds something. They feel like they can exist in their own story. It makes you think of the "everyone is the protagonist of their story" line. Kabru is- Just talking about it makes me hype! I love how he overanalyses people. The way he deduced a lot of Laois' party's movements were downright scary much like a certain scene in an Episode of Oshi no Ko (OnK watches, you know the episode), it reminded me of that!
I think the moment "world building" becomes just great for me is when I can feel the world existing outside of the characters. I felt this way with Frieren, Mushoku Tensei, Made in Abyss, The Lord of the Rings, Re:Zero, and now ofc, Dungeon Meshi.
But... yeah, I think Dungeon Meshi is my definitive pure fantasy show OAT now. I have not yet read the manga, I'm only an anime watcher, but even if they continue just this quality with the anime, I know I'll be giving this show a good 10/10 in my list.
Also to compare it a bit more with Frieren. I find it really fascinating. I know comparing two shows is generally frowned upon because both shows should be judged with their own merits and whatnot, but since I view these two as absolute 10/10's and both acting as pure fantasy, I can't help but want to compare them seeing how different my experiences were.
For Frieren, I already gave it a 10/10 in my list, but it feels like a completely different type of Fantasy from Dungeon Meshi. If I were to say, Frieren does more in the way of using the fantasy element to tell a human story. It feels more like a life anime using the fantasy setting as a tool. Frieren herself being the best example of this. The author using an elf to explore the long life of Frieren outliving her comrades and how that affects her.
Dungeon Meshi, on the other hand, feels like fantasy is the center of the story. It's not a tool to tell a story, the fantasy world is the story. Every day we just learn more and more about this world in a way that goes deeper than most other fantasies are willing to do. Reading through the pages is enough to tell you that the author loves the world they built, they have so much to say and so many things to share. Instead of the Fantasy being used to serve the characters, here we have the characters feeling like they're here to serve the world.
We also see all the characters serve a different aspect in exploring the world
Laios is here to tell us everything we need to know about the monsters. Marcille Teaches us the magic system. Chilchuck explores the sociopolitical side of the world as well as the "rules" and culture around adventuring. Of course, Senshi is here to tell us all about how to cook good food.
They all work together to teach us more about the world so every episode, we always come out with something new. It's SO FUCKING GOOD!
Anyway, rant over. Dungoen Meshi peak, you should go watch it if you haven't already.
Ah- one more thing, seems like Frieren's usage of its magic system or world building(?) is more on the soft side of the spectrum while Dungeon Meshi goes HARD on it.

Buckle yourselves in, potatoes. This is a LONG one, but I am SPILLING the tea.
I (17,f) have had a rocky relationship at best with my brother, ever since we were young. This has evolved into a lot of fights and disagreements, which I am aware that most siblings have, but this argument was the final straw. This argument started off with me coming into his room to see why the younger two have been yelling, and saw one crying because the youngest (3,f) one had gotten herself stuck on the top bunk. My brother (who we will call G-) was gaming and completely ignoring the situation. I fussed at him for ignoring them, looked up, and saw the mountain of laundry and blankets he had been told to do previously by our mother. I asked him why he hadn't done it, only for him to outright ignore me, focusing on his game. I asked him again, no response. I looked at the plug,and looked at him, and moved my hand onto the cord. "G, I will pull the plug if you don't respond." That got his attention. He looked up with a dead-eyed glare, and asked me what I wanted in a similar tone of voice, before turning his attention back to the console. (This is not new behavior, he has acted this way since we were 10 and 11.) I was tired of it. I told him to turn it off, and to pay attention when he was being spoken to. With our younger brother in the room, he also told G to stop and to listen. G rolled his eyes, and reluctantly turned off the match. I looked at him, arms crossed and leaning on the console, asked him why it was so hard to do what he was supposed to. After several minutes of silence, I waited for an answer, then I asked him again. He rolled his eyes, and told me I was making a big deal out of nothing like I did every time I confronted him. I was not mad, I was just fed up, at the end of my rope. I told him that it was a big deal to me, for him to be ignoring the kids and ignoring the ONLY job he had to do. *For a bit more context, G likes to ignore his jobs, then the jobs get pushed onto me and the middle child, A(m,13). G is fifteen. He has gotten us in trouble for not doing his jobs, like the laundry, dishes, sweeping, ECT. He was supposed to do the job before gaming to begin with. I got angry with how he was acting towards me, and told him I wouldn't be making a "big deal" out of everything if he actually did what he was supposed to and pulled his own weight. He retorted with "I didn't ask you to keep me in line," with that same dead glare. I snapped back with "well nobody asked you to be so incompetent that you can't do anything without having our parents tell me to come up behind you and make sure you get your jobs done!" Things escalated, then things shifted to the kids... I don't remember how, but the two youngest (m,6 and f,3) were brought up. I asked him if he wanted the same relationship with them like he had with me.
He went silent.
My flabbers were ghasted, waiting in the silence for a physical answer, but the silence was telling enough.
"Do you even want a relationship with them?"
Silence.
Something in me snapped, and everything shut down. I looked at him dead in the eyes, and said "I do not care about our relationship. It is non-existent. We are strangers under one roof... But the kids need their oldest brother. You better fix everything with them and build a proper one with them." He asked me if "I was done and when I would leave," and told me he was "waiting for me to leave so ge could game." Ha. Yeah, I was done.
The next morning, I sat him down and asked him if he thought about what he said... This boy told me the only reason he dislikes me so much is because I kicked him out of my room three years ago. (BS, and he was avoiding the question. I just think he doesn't like me because I am the only one who will put him in his place constantly. I keep him in his jobs and chores, and he told me to my face that he didn't care about me, so there's that, too.) He glared at me, then the floor, and said "I guess I'll be a big brother to the kids." In a dead voice. It sounded like SUCH an inconvenience to him, and I won't force him, but to hell with letting a six year old and three year old deal with that BS, especially if he still bullies the youngest boy.
He is known for bullying the youngest boy, and in turn, I am very protective of both kids. The youngest boy (6) has made it clear he didn't want to be around him, and I cannot blame him. If I have to, I will keep the kids from bonding with him, but I am trying to give him a chance, even if we are done with each other. Mom wants me to let G "mature", but should I even bother with it? I made my mind, I don't want anything to do with him, but would I be the asshole for keeping the kids away from him?

Hello, I'm here to add something important related to my post yesterday
When I said mercury determines personality more than sun, I meant it's literally more important than sun for compatibility, and in case you want to truly know someone, I meant that when you want to talk to someone, work with someone, or even start a relationship with someone, his/her mercury is going to be FAR more important than their sun.
Take someone like Kurt Cobain and compare him to Rihanna and tell me if they're the same? Although they have their sun in Pisces, and have the same career, they don't act the same, don't sing the same, don't talk the same, their attitudes are TOO DIFFERENT it's like they're not the same sign, Rihanna is this businesswoman, and Kurt is this tortured bohemian artist.
Take someone like tom cruise does he act like someone like Tom hanks? Both are toms and both are cancers, but they're so different. The way Tom cruise carries himself, his interests, his energy, his attitude, the way he talks, his personality basically is completely different than tom hanks.
Mercury even determines your talent, interests and what you want to do for life, people with sun in aries but mercury in pisces have artistic abilities and are interested in joining a creative field examples: mariah carey, lady gaga, heath ledger, celine dion, reese witherspoon, jackie chan... etc, they always sing, even if they don't turn out to be singers they still sing, they will still have interest in music, and in dance, they will still have artistic abilities or interests even if they chose a different career, and when they're in a different field than art they will also want to be creative and bring their 'own way' to the job, just like a pisces does.
During my research when I was reading interviews and articles of these artists talking about themselves or other people talking about them I noticed how they describe them as "dreamy, empathetic, generous, kind, good-hearted, extremely shy, restless, creative, really sensitive, mature beyond his years" These traits combined are basically Pisces traits.
Now get someone, anyone famous or not, with a pisces sun and a mercury in aries or aquarius.. Say for an example: Justin Bieber, does justin bieber act how a Pisces would act? Does he have the same traits that you would associate with a Pisces? What about the douchebag Steve Jobs (dominant mercury in aqua sun in pisces), how's he a pisces? Does that rich greedy b#stard Bernard Arnault act like a Pisces? Nope. Is Adam levine a pisces?
When you, for an example have pisces sun but mercury in aqua you will find it a little hard to vibe with water signs with mercury in water.. but you will like those with mercury in air or fire signs...
When people say the sun is personality, I just think they don't understand what makes a personality, mercury has all that makes a personality.
Now I'm not saying that sun doesn't matter, because all these people I mentioned still are creative and elegant like pisces, but their personalities aren't pisces AT ALL, and their actions aren't pisces either.
Thanks for reading, have a good day.
Ps: I used the pisces examples simply because it's the easiest to get my point across.

I'm just so tired all the time, it literally feels like I can sleep all day. I have a normal sleep schedule, but everyday I just feel so exhausted. I have dark circles under my eyes and I have no energy to do anything anymore. I just lay in bed all day and want to rot. I feel suicidal, I just want to die all the time and it's getting worse. I get nightmares of him, not of what exactly happened but just of different sa from him. I feel like there's no point in going on anymore, I don't think it's going to get better. I don't exactly know what it's like to have a flashback, but I think I've experienced them. I have really bad maladaptive daydreaming, but I don't think it's that. It's like I'm there again, I can't control it or stop it or rewind it. It's like it's happening all over again and that I'm there and I can feel it. When it's happening I just sit there and cry and I feel like screaming but I obviously can't do that so I have to hold it in. My head feels like it's burning constantly too, like the back of my head feels so fucking warm and hot. Like my brain is melting. And I just want to die and I'm so tired I just want to sleep and never wake up again.
•The one big thing that makes me feel valid is that, when I was 11, my stepdad fingered me in my bedroom. I won't go in to too much detail or anything, it's unimportant. But the entire time he just stared at me and everything was silent, like he was waiting for my reaction. Our relationship has always been odd, so I wanted it. But eventually I got scared and told him something, I don't remember what it was but it got him to stop immediately and he apologised too. I don't remember much after, as in I don't know if he left my room or I left first, but I immediately went to the bathroom. Which was when I discovered I was bleeding.
•Around this time, for some strange reason I would repeatedly say to him "fuck me daddy." This would either be in person, or over messages. I remember once, when I was in school, I messaged him that. He told me to stop in case one of my friends saw. I don't know why he didn't tell me to stop for other reasons.
•One day, after telling him that in person, we were in my parents bedroom. I was sat on his bed and he was in front of me in his weird chair. He then started going in to detail about how I wanted him to fuck me, I can't remember exactly what he said, it was like I zoned out. Everytime I try to recall it now it literally feels like bugs start to crawl up me, I don't understand why. I remember the last part, and his really disgusting hushed and gentle voice. He asked if I wanted him to "cum inside of me", or he was just explaining how that would finish. I'm not really sure.
•Still around this same time period of me being 11-12, I would ask him to 'squish me.' The reason why we would call it that is because I would be on my back, my legs would be up all the way to where my head is and he would be on top of me in a way that would 'squish me'. Basically like that one sex position. I would usually be wearing my school uniform when that would happen, so a skirt. During the 'squishing', he would push down on me, so our crotches would basically be against eachother. I don't know why, but I would continuously ask him to 'squish me' and during it I would even say the whole "fuck me daddy" thing. Only recently have I realised that he was probably just pretending to fuck me.
•Other things had happened around that age too, like how we would talk about how many times we masturbated a day and compare it to eachother. Sometimes if I was abruptly going to my room, he would ask if I was going to go masturbate, since we were 'close like that' I would tell him. He would often recommend me NSFW Instagram model accounts. I was once tricked in to sending feet pics to this guy, which really isn't that serious and whenever I brought it up with friends they find it fucking hilarious. But the detail I always leave out is that, I did bring that up with my stepdad and he proceeded to tell me that he already knew. Which means he was spying on me through the crack of the door. If that already didn't bother me, I don't understand why he just allowed me to send those pictures, if he was watching why the hell didn't he stop me?
•I'm pretty sure this also happened around the age of 11 as well, recently, a memory resurfaced but I barely remember it. Basically, I was sucking on his neck. I don't remember who said it, but either him or my mum spoke up and laughed, saying that I needed to stop otherwise I would "give him a hickey." The reason why I wouldn't be surprised if my mum was in the room at the time is because she doesn't care about what he does. She knows everything and just doesn't fucking care.
•I'm very sure that, around that age, my parents begun to expose me to their loud sex. I wouldn't be surprised if it started even younger, however. Obviously, I tried to bring it up with them at the ripe old age of 11 and my mum immediately shot me down with a "it's natural." This only stopped recently, around this year, because I had a big panic attack over hearing them and my mum finally felt guilty. I started getting panic attacks over it the minute it started, maybe the panic attacks were a sign of the trauma when I was younger, but I'm convinced it is now. I heard it so many times that I began to get paranoid every night, I would start to hear it even if they weren't upstairs (I sound crazy, I know.) I would get so anxious every night in case I would hear it, to the point I started to really resent them from it. I know fine well I could just go to sleep before them, but sometimes they even woke me up with it, on numerous occasions.
•I'm convinced my stepdad wanted me to hear it. Around the time of it finally stopping, I got mad because i was hearing it again (I'm unsure if it was due to me hearing shit or they actually were) but it caused me to take my bedding and go downstairs to sleep. In the morning, I was rudely awoken to my stepdad slamming the door open and storming past. He's not usually like that when people are sleeping, so it instantly gave me the impression that he was pissed off and the only reason I can think of is that he was angry I wasn't there to listen.
•He used to tease me for my paranoia to. As a way to discourage them from getting intimate, I would leave my door open at night. This happened around this year, but I was doing that again and I messaged my stepdad if they were actually going to sleep. It then somehow turned to him making a dig about how he knew I gets anxious at night and when I asked why he sent me "In case me and your mam have sex. 😜" Before, I tried to resolve this issue by begging them to just tell me if they were gonna have sex or not so I could sleep downstairs (because I was gonna find out the hard way anyways.) And they kept on refusing? Which just gave me the impression that they wanted me to listen more.
•Around 11 again, he would often tell me details about his and my mums sex life. Like how he was always good at pulling out and the only time he would wear a condom is right when he was about to finish. But the reason why my sister came to be was because he just failed to pull out that one time and my mum refused to get an abortion. Another time, he went on about how him and my mother had sex during her period and how they had to use towels and they didn't enjoy it because it was too messy.
•I don't know if he did things before the age of 11, my memories are very faded and it's like there are major gaps throughout everything. I'm worried that he did, however. When I was very young, I remember having no accidents at all during the night. But then, around the ages of 9, I would have an accident basically every night and would get a lot of water infections. I know that's a classic sign of child sexual abuse, but I don't want to jump to conclusions or anything.
•Another reason as to why I believe more things had happened to me than what I know of is because I always seemed to know what sex was when I was young, but I wouldn't know the name or anything specific about it like how to get pregnant or what cum was. Though, even though I didn't know what it was, it was like I always thought about it, I could never not think about sex, it was disgusting. This stayed until I was around 13. I remember where I even asked my 'boyfriend' at the time, we were both around 8, if he wanted to have sex, and I have no idea why.
•Over the years, he would flash me frequently. Everytime, I would always believe it was an accident because he'd never acknowledge it, besides from that one time which he always jokes about it and blames me. Everytime he would flash me, it would either be because of a convenient hole in the crotch of his pants or because he was wearing very lose fit shorts and it would just be hanging out. The more I think about it, I'm very sure he would have been able to feel such a thing, especially when it was poking out of the hole, but it was like he was just oblivious.
•For some strange reason, when I was younger, I would make comments about small dicks. I don't know if I was commenting on his dick specifically, but he would always say the same thing. "Width matters more than length."
•Recently, around 16-17, he made a joke about how he listens to me masturbating. Once he noticed how shocked I looked, he then went on saying about how my vibrator is too quiet to hear.
•Around 17 again, I went to use the shower. The shower I use is the one that's connected to my parents room. When I locked the door, he got madish and started making comments about it. I had to defend myself, saying how 'the door would open on it's own if I didn't lock it'. Eventually, he backed off.
•I don't understand the point in the fucking door and lock to my bedroom anymore. Whenever I decided to lock my door, my parents start shouting at me through the walls, asking why I locked my door. My stepdad barely knocks, it's like a tap and he doesn't even wait sometimes. I remember seeing a past message from an old friend saying how he tried to walk in when I was changing and that he knew I was changing. I didn't explain myself, I really wish I did because I don't remember this.
•(Around 17.) We were messaging eachother and it somehow turned in to him hinting if I saw this one animated video, it was a porn one. I said no, and to that he sent me a screenshot of it. It wasn't anything bad or anything, just the start of it and nothing was revealing, he then asked if I was sure. And how he was surprised that I hadn't.
•(Around 17.) I don't really get my period, we still don't know why. But as I was getting a lot of blood tests, my stepdad was trying to check things off the list of what it could be. One of those being that my opening is just extremely tight I guess, because he asked if I ever tried penetrating myself. I admitted that I did, but I couldn't get it to exactly go in. Which he then decided to make a comment saying how It's just my 'technique'. I wonder if the only reason he asked that was to see if I ever tried anything out of morbid curiosity.
•(Around 17 again.) He randomly bought me dildo's once, I didn't ask him for them, he just bought them for me and it was wildly uncomfortable. Once he gave me them, he asked if I wanted him to show me how to use them. I said no, which he then said something about how if I ever did then I could ask him. I worry what would have happened if I did say yes.
•When I was around 14, I went glamping. I ended up having to share a bed with him. One of the nights, I woke up to his hand just on top my crotch. I tried grabbing it and moving it away but it just fell back down on to it. I don't know if he put it back there on purpose. I still question if it was a dream, I'm very sure it wasn't because I remember going back to sleep, but it still just bugs me.
•Around 17, I was upset for some reason and he was comforting me. During this, he randomly grabbed the inside of my thigh. I usually just wear a shirt and boxers, so he basically just grabbed my naked thigh but I don't know if he was doing it in a comforting way.
•Usually when I draw, I have my knees up to my chest so it's easier to use my tablet. Considering what I wear for pyjamas, I can always see him looking at my crotch when he comes in to my room. If he really can see everything I don't understand why he doesn't just tell me to put my legs down.
•He's made a lot of uncomfortable jokes over the years too. One of the ones that upsets me sometimes is that, when he was measuring me for a binder, I was constantly moving around because it was uncomfortable since I was just in a sports bra. As he was leaving, I think I told him about how it was uncomfortable for me or something along those lines. He then turned around and shouted "oh come on, it's not like i was fingerings your pussy or anything."
•Very recently, I asked him if I looked okay before going to college. After a bit of back and fourth he said "I wouldn't kick you out of bed, maybe you could find someone in college who would do the same."
•Other times when I asked him if I looked okay, he'd go on tangents about how my ass is great or how he would date me or be too nervous to talk to me if he was my age.
•One of the more recent jokes was when I dropped a mayonnaise lid on my lap. Nothing got on me, but my stepdad turned to me then turned to my mum and shouted "if anyone starts accusing us, just tell them it was mayonnaise!" Or something like that.
•I remember after we watched the new mean girls film, he started going on saying about how he wanted to rewatch it for the Halloween seen (if you know you know) for the 'panty action'. Which rubs me the wrong way because I'm very sure the girls are supposed to be around my age.
•I'm very sure he also made this fake account, pretending to be one of my old groomers that I tried to cut off, just to message me about nsfw topics and ask for pics. It's a whole long yap about paranoia and just suspicions so I won't get into it though. If I tried to provide all the evidence I have, it'll take forever and there's no point.
There's definitely way more things that he's said, joked and done. But I'm only now beginning to realise that they're not okay. Even when I was younger, I was sort of uncomfortable around the jokes so I would just zone out, leading me to not remembering them now.
I probably will never accept that what happened to me was bad, or a big issue. Especially due to the 'lovely' people on here. Thank you for telling me immediately that I was a liar before you even knew what happened, that I shouldn't blame an 'innocent man', that you hope he comes in and rapes me to the point I split open and bleed. Thank you for telling me that my parents were just trying to promote a sex positive household, that some of the things were questionable at most. Thank you so much for saying I deserved it because I didn't send you pictures. You all made me feel like shit and I'm probably never going to tell people in person what happened to me, out of fear I would be ridiculed due to how much of a baby I'm being. I wasn't raped, so I have no place to cry or even think about it. I'm being overdramatic.
If you even read to this point, you're an angel.

Trigger warning. Also I'm sorry, this is a really long post but I'll bullet point most stuff down.
I'm just so tired all the time, it literally feels like I can sleep all day. I have a normal sleep schedule, but everyday I just feel so exhausted. I have dark circles under my eyes and I have no energy to do anything anymore. I just lay in bed all day and want to rot. I feel suicidal, I just want to die all the time and it's getting worse. I get nightmares of him, not of what exactly happened but just of different sa from him. I feel like there's no point in going on anymore, I don't think it's going to get better. I don't exactly know what it's like to have a flashback, but I think I've experienced them. I have really bad maladaptive daydreaming, but I don't think it's that. It's like I'm there again, I can't control it or stop it or rewind it. It's like it's happening all over again and that I'm there and I can feel it. When it's happening I just sit there and cry and I feel like screaming but I obviously can't do that so I have to hold it in. My head feels like it's burning constantly too, like the back of my head feels so fucking warm and hot. Like my brain is melting. And I just want to die and I'm so tired I just want to sleep and never wake up again.
•The one big thing that makes me feel valid is that, when I was 11, my stepdad fingered me in my bedroom. I won't go in to too much detail or anything, it's unimportant. But the entire time he just stared at me and everything was silent, like he was waiting for my reaction. Our relationship has always been odd, so I wanted it. But eventually I got scared and told him something, I don't remember what it was but it got him to stop immediately and he apologised too. I don't remember much after, as in I don't know if he left my room or I left first, but I immediately went to the bathroom. Which was when I discovered I was bleeding.
•Around this time, for some strange reason I would repeatedly say to him "fuck me daddy." This would either be in person, or over messages. I remember once, when I was in school, I messaged him that. He told me to stop in case one of my friends saw. I don't know why he didn't tell me to stop for other reasons.
•One day, after telling him that in person, we were in my parents bedroom. I was sat on his bed and he was in front of me in his weird chair. He then started going in to detail about how I wanted him to fuck me, I can't remember exactly what he said, it was like I zoned out. Everytime I try to recall it now it literally feels like bugs start to crawl up me, I don't understand why. I remember the last part, and his really disgusting hushed and gentle voice. He asked if I wanted him to "cum inside of me", or he was just explaining how that would finish. I'm not really sure.
•Still around this same time period of me being 11-12, I would ask him to 'squish me.' The reason why we would call it that is because I would be on my back, my legs would be up all the way to where my head is and he would be on top of me in a way that would 'squish me'. Basically like that one sex position. I would usually be wearing my school uniform when that would happen, so a skirt. During the 'squishing', he would push down on me, so our crotches would basically be against eachother. I don't know why, but I would continuously ask him to 'squish me' and during it I would even say the whole "fuck me daddy" thing. Only recently have I realised that he was probably just pretending to fuck me.
•Other things had happened around that age too, like how we would talk about how many times we masturbated a day and compare it to eachother. Sometimes if I was abruptly going to my room, he would ask if I was going to go masturbate, since we were 'close like that' I would tell him. He would often recommend me NSFW Instagram model accounts. I was once tricked in to sending feet pics to this guy, which really isn't that serious and whenever I brought it up with friends they find it fucking hilarious. But the detail I always leave out is that, I did bring that up with my stepdad and he proceeded to tell me that he already knew. Which means he was spying on me through the crack of the door. If that already didn't bother me, I don't understand why he just allowed me to send those pictures, if he was watching why the hell didn't he stop me?
•I'm pretty sure this also happened around the age of 11 as well, recently, a memory resurfaced but I barely remember it. Basically, I was sucking on his neck. I don't remember who said it, but either him or my mum spoke up and laughed, saying that I needed to stop otherwise I would "give him a hickey." The reason why I wouldn't be surprised if my mum was in the room at the time is because she doesn't care about what he does. She knows everything and just doesn't fucking care.
•I'm very sure that, around that age, my parents begun to expose me to their loud sex. I wouldn't be surprised if it started even younger, however. Obviously, I tried to bring it up with them at the ripe old age of 11 and my mum immediately shot me down with a "it's natural." This only stopped recently, around this year, because I had a big panic attack over hearing them and my mum finally felt guilty. I started getting panic attacks over it the minute it started, maybe the panic attacks were a sign of the trauma when I was younger, but I'm convinced it is now. I heard it so many times that I began to get paranoid every night, I would start to hear it even if they weren't upstairs (I sound crazy, I know.) I would get so anxious every night in case I would hear it, to the point I started to really resent them from it. I know fine well I could just go to sleep before them, but sometimes they even woke me up with it, on numerous occasions.
•I'm convinced my stepdad wanted me to hear it. Around the time of it finally stopping, I got mad because i was hearing it again (I'm unsure if it was due to me hearing shit or they actually were) but it caused me to take my bedding and go downstairs to sleep. In the morning, I was rudely awoken to my stepdad slamming the door open and storming past. He's not usually like that when people are sleeping, so it instantly gave me the impression that he was pissed off and the only reason I can think of is that he was angry I wasn't there to listen.
•He used to tease me for my paranoia to. As a way to discourage them from getting intimate, I would leave my door open at night. This happened around this year, but I was doing that again and I messaged my stepdad if they were actually going to sleep. It then somehow turned to him making a dig about how he knew I gets anxious at night and when I asked why he sent me "In case me and your mam have sex. 😜" Before, I tried to resolve this issue by begging them to just tell me if they were gonna have sex or not so I could sleep downstairs (because I was gonna find out the hard way anyways.) And they kept on refusing? Which just gave me the impression that they wanted me to listen more.
•Around 11 again, he would often tell me details about his and my mums sex life. Like how he was always good at pulling out and the only time he would wear a condom is right when he was about to finish. But the reason why my sister came to be was because he just failed to pull out that one time and my mum refused to get an abortion. Another time, he went on about how him and my mother had sex during her period and how they had to use towels and they didn't enjoy it because it was too messy.
•I don't know if he did things before the age of 11, my memories are very faded and it's like there are major gaps throughout everything. I'm worried that he did, however. When I was very young, I remember having no accidents at all during the night. But then, around the ages of 9, I would have an accident basically every night and would get a lot of water infections. I know that's a classic sign of child sexual abuse, but I don't want to jump to conclusions or anything.
•Another reason as to why I believe more things had happened to me than what I know of is because I always seemed to know what sex was when I was young, but I wouldn't know the name or anything specific about it like how to get pregnant or what cum was. Though, even though I didn't know what it was, it was like I always thought about it, I could never not think about sex, it was disgusting. This stayed until I was around 13. I remember where I even asked my 'boyfriend' at the time, we were both around 8, if he wanted to have sex, and I have no idea why.
•Over the years, he would flash me frequently. Everytime, I would always believe it was an accident because he'd never acknowledge it, besides from that one time which he always jokes about it and blames me. Everytime he would flash me, it would either be because of a convenient hole in the crotch of his pants or because he was wearing very lose fit shorts and it would just be hanging out. The more I think about it, I'm very sure he would have been able to feel such a thing, especially when it was poking out of the hole, but it was like he was just oblivious.
•For some strange reason, when I was younger, I would make comments about small dicks. I don't know if I was commenting on his dick specifically, but he would always say the same thing. "Width matters more than length."
•Recently, around 16-17, he made a joke about how he listens to me masturbating. Once he noticed how shocked I looked, he then went on saying about how my vibrator is too quiet to hear.
•Around 17 again, I went to use the shower. The shower I use is the one that's connected to my parents room. When I locked the door, he got madish and started making comments about it. I had to defend myself, saying how 'the door would open on it's own if I didn't lock it'. Eventually, he backed off.
•I don't understand the point in the fucking door and lock to my bedroom anymore. Whenever I decided to lock my door, my parents start shouting at me through the walls, asking why I locked my door. My stepdad barely knocks, it's like a tap and he doesn't even wait sometimes. I remember seeing a past message from an old friend saying how he tried to walk in when I was changing and that he knew I was changing. I didn't explain myself, I really wish I did because I don't remember this.
•(Around 17.) We were messaging eachother and it somehow turned in to him hinting if I saw this one animated video, it was a porn one. I said no, and to that he sent me a screenshot of it. It wasn't anything bad or anything, just the start of it and nothing was revealing, he then asked if I was sure. And how he was surprised that I hadn't.
•(Around 17.) I don't really get my period, we still don't know why. But as I was getting a lot of blood tests, my stepdad was trying to check things off the list of what it could be. One of those being that my opening is just extremely tight I guess, because he asked if I ever tried penetrating myself. I admitted that I did, but I couldn't get it to exactly go in. Which he then decided to make a comment saying how It's just my 'technique'. I wonder if the only reason he asked that was to see if I ever tried anything out of morbid curiosity.
•(Around 17 again.) He randomly bought me dildo's once, I didn't ask him for them, he just bought them for me and it was wildly uncomfortable. Once he gave me them, he asked if I wanted him to show me how to use them. I said no, which he then said something about how if I ever did then I could ask him. I worry what would have happened if I did say yes.
•When I was around 14, I went glamping. I ended up having to share a bed with him. One of the nights, I woke up to his hand just on top my crotch. I tried grabbing it and moving it away but it just fell back down on to it. I don't know if he put it back there on purpose. I still question if it was a dream, I'm very sure it wasn't because I remember going back to sleep, but it still just bugs me.
•Around 17, I was upset for some reason and he was comforting me. During this, he randomly grabbed the inside of my thigh. I usually just wear a shirt and boxers, so he basically just grabbed my naked thigh but I don't know if he was doing it in a comforting way.
•Usually when I draw, I have my knees up to my chest so it's easier to use my tablet. Considering what I wear for pyjamas, I can always see him looking at my crotch when he comes in to my room. If he really can see everything I don't understand why he doesn't just tell me to put my legs down.
•He's made a lot of uncomfortable jokes over the years too. One of the ones that upsets me sometimes is that, when he was measuring me for a binder, I was constantly moving around because it was uncomfortable since I was just in a sports bra. As he was leaving, I think I told him about how it was uncomfortable for me or something along those lines. He then turned around and shouted "oh come on, it's not like i was fingerings your pussy or anything."
•Very recently, I asked him if I looked okay before going to college. After a bit of back and fourth he said "I wouldn't kick you out of bed, maybe you could find someone in college who would do the same."
•Other times when I asked him if I looked okay, he'd go on tangents about how my ass is great or how he would date me or be too nervous to talk to me if he was my age.
•One of the more recent jokes was when I dropped a mayonnaise lid on my lap. Nothing got on me, but my stepdad turned to me then turned to my mum and shouted "if anyone starts accusing us, just tell them it was mayonnaise!" Or something like that.
•I remember after we watched the new mean girls film, he started going on saying about how he wanted to rewatch it for the Halloween seen (if you know you know) for the 'panty action'. Which rubs me the wrong way because I'm very sure the girls are supposed to be around my age.
•I'm very sure he also made this fake account, pretending to be one of my old groomers that I tried to cut off, just to message me about nsfw topics and ask for pics. It's a whole long yap about paranoia and just suspicions so I won't get into it though. If I tried to provide all the evidence I have, it'll take forever and there's no point.
There's definitely way more things that he's said, joked and done. But I'm only now beginning to realise that they're not okay. Even when I was younger, I was sort of uncomfortable around the jokes so I would just zone out, leading me to not remembering them now.
I probably will never accept that what happened to me was bad, or a big issue. Especially due to the 'lovely' people on here. Thank you for telling me immediately that I was a liar before you even knew what happened, that I shouldn't blame an 'innocent man', that you hope he comes in and rapes me to the point I split open and bleed. Thank you for telling me that my parents were just trying to promote a sex positive household, that some of the things were questionable at most. Thank you so much for saying I deserved it because I didn't send you pictures. You all made me feel like shit and I'm probably never going to tell people in person what happened to me, out of fear I would be ridiculed due to how much of a baby I'm being. I wasn't raped, so I have no place to cry or even think about it. I'm being overdramatic.
If you even read to this point, you're an angel.

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➡️ Uniting The Cults podcast, new episodes since last newsletter

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Some posts from last edition were removed because they weren't as good, and to make this list short and sweet. If you want to see them anyway, check out the last edition.

***ads play and podcast starts at 1:47
Intro (Timestamp: 1:47) - Rachel: Welcome back to another episode of Rachel Goes Rogue. This is your host, Rachel Savannah Leviss. Today, we are talking about part three of the Vanderpump Rules reunion. - Rachel: It has finally come to an end, season 11. It's been a long time coming, and we're here to react. I have my producers with me, and as usual, they will be asking me some questions to get my perspective on what we just watched during the reunion.
Well, first of all, I want to start off with asking you just your overall thoughts on the reunion, watching it. How do you feel? (Timestamp: 2:19) - Rachel: Overall, I just feel tired at this point. I don't enjoy watching this show, and (Rachel starts to get emotional) I'm just happy that it's over. It was good that they didn't talk about me very much this last episode, part three. - Rachel: That's great, but it's been really difficult watching each week. And I feel like I can finally start to move on from all of this, because it's been really difficult. It was really heavy and sad. - Rachel: And I think everyone on that cast is struggling. And I would be too if I was there. I mean, I'm struggling just watching it from the sidelines, so I can only imagine what it's like being on that stage.
So you're getting really emotional right now. Where is this emotion coming from? (Timestamp: 3:28) - Rachel: It's coming from a place of feeling like I haven't had much room to go. Feeling like stuck between a rock and a hard place, so to speak. Because this entire time, I have been preparing for them to slander my name, to paint me in the worst light. - Rachel: And my goal with this podcast was to be able to represent myself, to defend myself, to share what I've learned through my time that I took away and my recovery, and just to shed more light on the situation. - Rachel: And it hasn't been easy. It's been an extreme rollercoaster of emotions in a lot of different phases, getting sucked back into it, and then feeling like all consumed by all the comments and everything, and then completely cutting off communication with the outside world and living in my own reality in the moment. It's all about that balance, and it has not been easy to move on. - Rachel: I don't think it's been easy for any of the cast to move on rehashing it and talking about it and having other people tune in. It's not typical. It's not normal. And the day has finally come that the show, season 11, is over, and it's a relief to me because I don't have to keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. - Rachel: I don't have to think about what lies they're going to spread about me, and I don't have to think about what I need to defend myself about. And then following week, I feel like I can finally start to live my life again.
And so you're kind of talking about the boundaries that you've been setting by staying away and cutting people off, which obviously boundaries was a really big topic at the reunion. You obviously set some really strong ones by not returning to the show. What's your take on this discussion of boundaries? Do you agree with Lala or do you side more with Ariana when it comes to boundaries when it's in regard to filming the show? (Timestamp: 5:40) - Rachel: I could see both of their points of view. Setting a boundary for yourself is not an easy thing to do. And when other people are upset that you set a boundary for yourself, that's usually a telltale sign that that person is using you in some way and is not happy that you have this new boundary because it's not serving them. - Rachel: So, I can see why Ariana upholded her boundaries by not speaking to Tom, even though she actually did film with Tom this whole season, or for the later part anyway. But she refused to have that conversation with Tom at the end of the show, and I commend her for it because it would have been a fake conversation. You could tell that Tom, his only motive to having that conversation with her is for camera purposes and storyline purposes. - Rachel: Therefore, it's not an authentic conversation. It would have been crocodile tears, the whole thing. And I completely understand Ariana walking away. I walked away too, and people weren't happy about that either. - Rachel: For Lala's point of view, I can understand her perspective in wanting to have a good TV show for her livelihood and the longevity of her career. If you're going to commit to filming, then I can see why Lala is upset, because you are not only committing to filming with this person, I can see her point in that she is living under the same roof as Tom. - Rachel: They're living together, they're filming together, yet in Lala's eyes, Ariana is being stubborn by not filming with Tom, or that one scene. Who even cares about that one scene? I don't know. - Rachel: It's all so silly to me, but boundaries are important. I was in a place where I didn't have boundaries, and I was really trying to appease production and put on a good show. That became my priority season 10.
And where do you think the line needs to be drawn, you know? When at the end of the day, this is a paycheck and this is a job, versus this is someone's real life. You've talked a lot about wanting to live in reality. Where do you think that line should be drawn? (Timestamp: 8:32) - Rachel: I think that's an impossible question to answer when you're filming a reality TV show, because the line is so blurry, it's impossible to know what's real and what's not. And the more I'm out of it, the clearer I can see that. We see it with Tom Sandoval when he talked about production. - Rachel: He did the New York Times article, and he stopped talking mid sentence when a plane flew over or a truck drove by, whatever it was, because the audio, typically when we're filming a show and a plane flies by, you stop talking so that the audio can pick up normally without the distraction in the background. - Rachel: So it's like programmed in your mind to think a certain way, to act a certain way, to talk a certain way, to pursue certain things, where it becomes a part of your patterning. We also see the lines get blurred with Scheana and the comment section, and what is real life and what is not, what is her own true motivation for doing certain things, and what is influenced by outside commentary. - Rachel: That gets so blurry, and when you're all consumed in the perception of yourself, how can you really be sure that you're operating from a place of an inner knowing? That's a boundary that's blurred. With Lala, she clearly prioritizes the success of the show because she wants to secure her paycheck, and when people are setting boundaries for themselves and it's conflicting with what she wants and what is successful in her eyes, that sparks an anger within her. - Rachel: And it's all fabricated to a certain point because the bottom line is this show. So, I think it truly is impossible to live a real life and be on a reality TV show.
So, do you think it's fair for Lala to direct that anger towards Ariana? Or do you think she should be directing it more towards the show? (Timestamp: 11:12) - Rachel: Oh, no, not at all. I don't think that it's fair that Lala is directing that anger towards Ariana because Ariana has been very clear with her boundaries since the very beginning and…
I guess if she's feeling this way, do you think maybe she should have upheld her boundaries more if she was feeling so resentful towards someone doing the same? Do you think she's feeling like she regrets things that she had said in the past? (Timestamp: 11:35) - Rachel: I think she did uphold her boundaries. I think that she feels like she hasn't been supported the same way that Ariana is being supported. And it's probably not a good feeling, but she maneuvered differently than Ariana has. And Lala doesn't extend the same empathy towards others. So it's harder to support her, I believe.
She does make a point to say, many times, that she feels like things are not being honest on camera. She points out Tom and Ariana’s relationship being one of those things. Katie has a flashback moment where she also calls it out. Do you agree that things are not always honest on camera? (Timestamp: 12:12) - Rachel: Totally. Yeah. I think the point that Lala is making is that Tom and Ariana haven't been honest about their relationship on camera. - Rachel: And I think people are getting caught up in Lala being hypocritical because she wasn't honest about her relationship with Randall. Okay, yes, that might be true. But the point is that Tom and Ariana haven't been good for quite some time. - Rachel: And their relationship that was portrayed on camera for fans to see was not an accurate representation of their relationship. I see the frustration because I agree with that too.
Even on your part, how does it affect you as someone on the show when people aren't fully honest on camera? How does that affect the rest of the cast? (Timestamp: 13:21) - Rachel: Yeah, it affects everyone when people aren't fully honest on the show. I mean, I wasn't fully honest the season 10 reunion. I was still covering up for Tom Schwartz. - Rachel: I was still covering up for Tom Sandoval. I was still going along with that narrative, and it would have been much better to just be open and honest about it. But of course, Tom was like, no, that wouldn't be good for business. - Rachel: It wouldn't be good for Schwartz and Sandys if people knew that the Schwartz kiss wasn't authentic and we need that to seem real. So it does affect everyone when you're not being honest, because it portrays a certain picture that isn't reality, and the whole point of reality TV supposedly is to be real, following these real people's lives. - Rachel: So honesty would be like the most important value characteristic you would think that everyone on this show should have. But it seems like nobody does.
Well, speaking of honesty, Ariana kind of called out Tom and his motives behind wanting to apologize on camera. He finally does get that moment during the reunion to apologize to Ariana. He has some words when he does, he calls the affair something he regrets every day. He says that he wears it like a badge of shame. On your end, how did that feel watching that? (Timestamp: 14:46) - Rachel: It's hard to tell if Tom is being honest or not. Even in the Secrets Revealed episode, when he was asked how many girls he had sex with since me, and he had to pause and think about if he was going to be honest or not, he's just been caught in so many lies that it's hard to tell if he's being truthful. - Rachel: But hearing Tom say that he regrets getting involved with me every single day, I regret it too, so it is a little bit painful, but it's also like maybe something is registering for him. - Rachel: I don't know. But then again, his actions speak a lot louder than his words. He knows what words to say, and then it seems that he fails to follow through with meaningful action. And that's where true amends come into play.
There was just, I feel like, a lot of pain in the room all around. You kind of acknowledged that at the beginning of this episode. What do you think that this pain, and even Lala saying that she was okay seeing some of those friendships end, what do you think that means for the future of this group? (Timestamp: 16:07) - Rachel: I don't see much of the future for this group. It looks pretty shattered. It looks like these friendships are not healthy friendships. - Rachel: The dynamic between Lala and Scheana is not a healthy dynamic. It seems to be like a power imbalance. It seems like Scheana is trying to appease Lala to make sure she's secure, and she's getting certain needs met in that friendship because Ariana hasn't been around for Scheana the way that she's used to. - Rachel: Yeah, you could tell that Scheana’s struggling with coping with that. It seems like Lala's really on a wavelength of not effing with anybody on the cast right now. It seems like her friendship with Katie isn't strong because Katie's gotten really close with Ariana. - Rachel: It seems like even her friendship with Scheana is a little rocky. I think she sees Scheana as someone that's not...How do I want to say this? - Rachel: And I hate saying this word, because I don't want to like categorize somebody as something, especially because I've been called this before too. But I think seeing how Lala reacted to everything and how Scheana was trying to be the fixer and appease Lala, and it just didn't seem like enough for Lala. I think Lala sees Scheana as someone who is weak, perceived weakness. - Rachel: I'm not saying that Scheana is weak. And I think that there's a lot of alliances and manipulation happening, and none of that is healthy for our friendship dynamic. I can see why the show is taking a hiatus, because it just seems so fractured
Well, it definitely seems like at the very end of the episode, Scheana was very sure to get that last word in. I felt like she was looking directly at Lala and almost begging for her to hear her out that she was on her side. And it really did seem like the very end, Scheana had to choose. Is she Team Ariana or Team Lala? Do you think she made the right choice? Do you think she needed to make a choice, or do you think that she's putting this pressure on herself? (Timestamp: 18:21) - Rachel: Ooh, that's a good question. I think she feels a lot of pressure from the outside perspective, and she doesn't want to, obviously, like burn bridges with Ariana or anything. And I think Ariana has been very gracious towards Scheana. Do I think that she needed to choose sides? I don't think so. I don't know. - Rachel: I can see Lala's frustration probably because I'm sure Sheena and Lala have had conversations about the whole situation. And without Ariana there, I'm sure Sheena's singing a much different tune than what we're hearing at the reunion, and that's sparking some frustration in Lala. And I'm sure that was a similar feeling when she called out Katie about it too. - Rachel: So yeah, I think that Lala feels pretty isolated, I want to say, in her feelings. And now that it's aired, and I did check Reddit for the first time in a very, very long time, it seems like the majority of people are hating on Lala right now. I'm human. - Rachel: I do hold some resentment towards Lala for the way that she's treated me over the years. I do empathize with her a little bit because all the hate online is just a little bit ridiculous. And I think also people are afraid to speak a differing opinion than the team Ariana side because people are just ruthless online and they don't want to hear a differing opinion. - Rachel: And if you do, then you get shunned out, too. It's very, my therapist calls it tribal shaming, where if you're not following the rules of the tribe, spoken or unspoken, then you're cast out and you're shunned.
***ads play and podcast resumes at 23:24
I mean, it does feel like the fans have had more of an impact on this season than ever. Would you agree with that? (Timestamp: 23:24) - Rachel: Yeah, especially because as they were filming this show, the fans were boots on the ground. We're going to production, we're going to filming, and we're going to take photos and document what we saw and all that stuff. Like it was very interactive in a way. - Rachel: I think with after show this year, it was a little bit different because some things have changed since the ending of filming last summer. One of the things was me starting my own podcast and speaking freely about my experience and my opinion and the after show gave the cast an opportunity to rebut what I was saying and it provided more of a context. - Rachel: And I think with more time passing from the end of filming last summer to, you know, early January, February of this year, when they filmed the after shows, cast dynamics shifted because as we all know, now watching the finale, Lala and Ariana did not end on a good note whatsoever. - Rachel: And so, you know, she had some choice of words to say during the after shows. And it seemed like she really got Sheena to support her with that.
Speaking about the fracturing of this cast, something about her did recently open. Not many cast members were in attendance to this opening. What's your take on that? (Timestamp: 24:56) - Rachel: Interesting. Do you know who went? - iHeart Lady: I know Schwartz went - Rachel: It seems a little telling that maybe Sheena and Lala aren't on the best terms with Ariana right now, because they went to like the Broadway opening that Ariana did for Chicago. And they also went to Dancing with the Stars. But this is all before they knew that she didn't watch the show. And so that was all before the reunion and everything. So yeah, it seems like maybe they're not on the best of terms right now.
What are your thoughts on production holding the last five minutes until the reunion to show to everyone? (Timestamp: 25:47) - Rachel: I wonder if they got word that Ariana wasn't watching the season. And they did that as a way to ensure that they would get a reaction from her, kind of like forcing her hand a little bit, forcing her into a situation that she did not want to be in. It was very strategic in that way. And it was something new. Like, we've never done that before. It was creative, for sure, on production's part.
Do you think it was fair to Ariana? (Timestamp: 26:27) - Rachel: There's a commitment, and part of that is watching the show and having an opinion on what's happening besides your own story that you're sharing. So in a way, it's like ensuring that Ariana did have an opinion on it. So very eye opening, to say the least.
I want your take on Tom's final words. He says, I love it. It's good for me. A lot of people in the room were very shocked by that. Tom even has a reaction to it, where he shakes his head no. They didn't even really press him on what he meant by that either. What's your take on all of that? (Timestamp: 26:49) - Rachel: I wish they pressed him on what he meant by that a little bit more. And Ariana was pretty much the only person that called him out on it too. She caught it. - Rachel: She was like, that exactly proves my point, that you are doing things for the audience, for the production value, and for his own story purposes. I guess in Tom's eyes, having Ariana refuse to film and walk off was good for him because he felt like he completed his job and fulfilled his duty with what production was asking from him. And Ariana was not. - Rachel: And I think selfishly, he probably thought that it would give him a better chance of having more of a redemption story. - Rachel: Because, ultimately, production is the one picking and choosing what they're going to share on the show and edit and put certain music behind certain scenes to make it seem even more of a certain way. Tom knows how to play into that. But I would have loved to hear what his explanation for that comment would be.
Why do you think they didn't press him? (Timestamp: 28:34) - Rachel: I think that they're protecting him, like they always have been.
We did see something interesting at the very end with Lisa stepping up and taking Ariana's side, which is kind of a different tune. You've talked about this before, where she seems to protect the guys a lot of the time, but then she changes her tune at the very end of the episode and takes Ariana's side. What are your thoughts on that? (Timestamp: 28:39) - Rachel: I think Lisa is very strategic with what she puts out there as well. And she knows what people are saying about her, with her always supporting the guys. So that could have been a motivation behind her changing her tune and supporting Ariana in that way. Yeah, I don't know. It's hard because I think also Lisa is very aware of who the fan favorites are. It's her show. - Rachel: She's an executive producer on this show. So she's not a dummy when it's coming to that. I think it helps her if she is supporting Ariana because she'll praise Ariana for walking away and end up holding her boundaries. - Rachel: But then when it comes to me, I don't even remember what she said about me. But when it comes to me walking away and setting a boundary for myself, I've been told that I'm a coward and I'm running away from my problems. - Rachel: So that part for me gets a little frustrating because it's like, and also the fans praising Ariana for upholding her boundaries and walking away and supporting her and telling her like, you know, she's outgrown this show. - Rachel: She should move on and do something even better with her life. And she's finding out now that these aren't her true friends and like good for her for upholding her boundaries and walking away from this situation. And I've done the same thing and it has been met with scrutiny.
Lala compares her situation with Randall to Ariana a lot throughout this reunion. Do you think the two are similar at all? (Timestamp: 30:37) - Rachel: I don't think that the relationship that Lala had with Randall is comparable to the situation that Tom and Ariana were in. It's hard to get on Lala's side with some of the things that she's saying, because the way that she spoke about her relationship with Randall is like bragging about doing BJs for PJs and getting gifted a Range Rover very early in their relationship and not being honest about who she was seeing and the situation that was happening basically. And it just seemed like she was in it for the money and like to secure her success and fame. - Rachel: So it's hard to get behind that, especially when she's been so outright about it. Unfortunately, Randall wasn't the stand up guy that she was selling him to be. We weren't buying it. - Rachel: In Ariana's case, viewers got to see that relationship develop over the years, whereas with Lala's, he wasn't around, like it was secret for a while. And, you know, it's harder to develop feelings towards a person or a relationship when you're not seeing it play out on camera. I think Lala has a lot of anger, maybe even towards herself, for the situation that she allowed herself to be in. And I think she might be taking that out on Ariana.
How hard is it to be really honest when you're in this position? And do you think certain cast members have an easier time doing this? (Timestamp: 32:22) - Rachel: So this is like where your own values come in. Like, are you an honest person or are you not? Because there are people in this cast that are not, and we know who they are, and they have no problem lying, and it doesn't bother them when they lie. - Rachel: And for me, I'm working towards living a more authentic, honest life. And part of that is being honest with my emotions, thoughts, and feelings, and expressing that, and doing that in a way that is still respectful, because I'm not trying to hurt people in the process. And I am trying to express myself honestly and be true to myself. - Rachel: So I think it just depends on who you're asking. I mean, it's definitely not easy. It's definitely hard because you're on this platform, this public arena where you're opening yourself up to scrutiny. - Rachel: And if other people have differing opinions than you do, or if your opinion is the minority, you're basically going to be harassed and scrutinized. And so sometimes for people, it's easier to not be fully honest with their thoughts and feelings in order to save face or in order to go with more popular opinion because it's perceived to be safer that way. But I don't know. - Rachel: At this point, it's like your words aren't going to hurt me. You can say whatever you want to say about me online, and I've survived this far. So whatever else you say about me is not going to affect me any more than it already has. - Rachel: I've developed thick skin through this process, and I've come to the point where I value my friendships that are real in the sense of I interact with these people in real life. I care more about people's perception of me when they actually meet me and interact with me and the vibes I give off that way. So you get to a certain point where it's almost your duty to show up for yourself and be honest with how you feel and how you think about a certain thing in that moment. - Rachel: And your opinions can change with time too and with more information. It's not like I'm going to say this one thing and I'm always going to feel this way. It's always changing, it's always developing, we're always getting more information, and we're always experiencing new things that change our perspective on life. - Rachel: So it's just your duty to represent yourself in the most authentic way so that your people will find you.
***ads play and podcast resumes at 38:08
Well, I think there was one kind of shining moment, I'll say, even though it was a really emotional moment. But the moment between, and this is a little bit of a pivot, but the moment between Schwartz and Katie, I found really interesting, where Andy was asking about their relationship. It seemed like this season, they had a little bit more of a playful dynamic. But Schwartz gets really emotional, saying that he doesn't regret how their relationship ended. But you can kind of see in his eyes that he tears well up. He gets really emotional. What did you make of that moment? (Timestamp: 38:08) - Rachel: We don't think we've really seen a moment like that between Tom, Schwartz, and Katie. It really seems like they've come to terms with how the relationship ended, and that it was for the best. But it seemed like there was a lot of fond memories and just appreciation for one another, that I don't think I've really seen that dynamic between them before. - iHeart Lady: To me, it seemed like in a season where there was a lot of hurt, that seemed like the one moment of maybe seeing two people that are going through the process of healing. - Rachel: Viewing that, it did seem like they were both coming from a place of healing, because they weren't throwing insults at each other or trying to bring each other down. It was very respecting one another and appreciating the moments that they did have together while it lasted. And that's refreshing to see on this show.
Lala said something at the very end where she said it was really hard for her to show up to season nine reunion, I believe it was. You know, she didn't want to talk about certain things, but she showed up. Ariana said the same thing where she could say the same about the season 10 reunion. She didn't want to be there. You could probably say the same thing about the season 10 reunion. You didn't want to be there as well. Is it fair to say everyone's been in a position where they didn't want to be somewhere, but they did anyway? (Timestamp: 39:44) - Rachel: 100%. Yeah, totally. And that's like the part of committing to this show. It's a commitment. And even though you don't quite know what you're signing up for, you know that it's not going to be necessarily easy. And there's a challenge in that. - Rachel: And I think, just speaking for myself, there was an opportunity for growth for me in that. Yeah, I think we've all been in a situation where we didn't want to show up for something and felt, I don't think obligated is the right word, but we made a commitment to being there, and we followed through with our commitment. And it's hard.
You started this episode off by acknowledging that there was a lot of healing that this cast needs to do. As someone who has taken a step back from filming, you've had this time to kind of come back to your own reality. What can this cast expect when you have that moment to kind of breathe and have that separation and you rejoin reality for a minute? (Timestamp: 41:07) - Rachel: Oh, okay. That is a loaded question. Because I think that there's a little bit of fear with not being the current topic of conversation. - Rachel: I think addiction is the wrong word, but there's a little bit of the dopamine hits that you get when you're being talked about on a reality TV show and the fear of that going away permanently could be a scary thing. But taking time off and re-centering with yourself, I think is like the best thing for this cast right now, because we don't want to be forced into situations that we don't want to be in. That's not living an authentic life. - Rachel: I mean, I've been worrying about scenes and storylines, and I haven't even been a part of this show, but now it feels good not to worry about that. And I do have to say, just like reading all the comments on Reddit right now, it's like hardly anybody is talking about me, which is a great feeling. It's just so much more freeing when you're not living your life for somebody else's entertainment anymore. - Rachel: It just feels like you get your life back a little bit. It's so complex, and I think it's hard to understand if you haven't been through being on a TV show for millions of people to comment on and judge your life. I don't think humans are meant for that, and there's no way that that's healthy. - Rachel: Yeah, I said that I think the cast, we have a lot of healing to do. We, as in, I still do too, and part of that is coming back to reality. And I really don't think that we've had a minute this whole season. I think it's going to be good for everyone.
Has this year though felt different to you? I feel like you're like half in, half out (Timestamp: 43:42) - Rachel: Oh, yeah, it's felt so different. But I think like a large part of that has to do with going to the meadows and really reconnecting with myself and learning about my issues and how it was showing up for me and really coming to terms with like, what is this piece of external validation and how is that motivating me? And is it even real? - Rachel: And just like really re centering back into myself and gaining a lot more perspective with that. Without the meadows, I would not be where I am right now. There's no freaking way. So it is. I'm living a new life. I really am. - Rachel: And I feel like I haven't really been able to truly have the opportunity to live my new life to the fullest because this show has been holding me back. And I know that that's partially my fault too because I'm indulging and speaking about it, but I'm really looking forward to the days when I can truly move forward and evolve into something even more magnificent.
Outro (Timestamp: 45:02) - Rachel: Thank you so much for listening to Rachel Goes Rogue. Follow us on Instagram and TikTok for exclusive video content at Rachel Goes Rogue Podcast.
***end

Hello Dr. K and the HealthyGamer community,
I am seeking advice, support, and insights on how to emotionally separate and individuate from my parents later in life, which I should have done much earlier. The adult part of me knows what I need to do, but there's also a part of me that is frightened. Let me give you a snapshot of my life trajectory. The story is long, but I want to provide as much context as possible. If you prefer a short summary of my dilemma, please skip to the last paragraph. Otherwise, here is my life story:
I grew up in a well-to-do family in an East Asian country. My parents had me in their early 20s, just as their business began to flourish during the 'boom years.' Both came from very broken families. My mother experienced poverty, abuse, and neglect from her parents (she did not speak to her dad until he died and almost never acknowledges her mother). My father was the least favorite child in his family of three, dropped out of high school, ended up on the streets, and, as I learned a few years ago, was later imprisoned for fighting. My parents met when my mother was 19 and my father 21, ran away together, and built a very successful business in their early to mid-20s, becoming incredibly wealthy in a generally poor society.
Although we were affluent, my parents were never around. I started boarding at age 3 and spent most of my time outside school with my paternal grandparents and occasionally my maternal grandmother. My parents fought a lot. My mother once threatened to take me away and drove off with me with no specific destination. At one point, she told me she was divorcing my father, and we moved into another apartment for a day before returning home. She emotionally smothered me, saying she would die for me and that no one would love me as much as she did. She also hit me often over small things, sometimes in public. I thought she was better than my father, who, according to her, would remarry quickly if she left or died, subjecting me to abuse from an evil stepmother.
Despite our wealth, my mother took me out of an international school after six months and sent me to a state school known for being strict and militant. I was a 'good, smart kid' in primary school, but around age 12 or 13, I became very depressed and felt life had no purpose. I failed almost all my subjects except History and started drinking, influenced by my father's heavy drinking and a culture that tolerated alcoholism.
Then something happened that saved me in retrospect. My family emigrated to an Anglophone New World country, and I went to another boarding school. Despite experiencing racism and feeling self-conscious about my appearance, I improved academically and, by years 12 and 13, was among the best students. Between ages 13-18, I saw my father rarely, perhaps once or twice a year. My mother visited periodically, and they bought a house near the school, where I lived mostly alone. Like many first-generation immigrant kids, I handled most family matters because my parents couldn't speak English.
When it was time for university, I wanted to study law and politics at the local public university, but my father insisted I go to the UK or the US, believing a degree from the local university would not lead to a good job. He also prevented me from taking a gap year. I regret not leaving home to get a job. I applied to many universities and chose the worst-ranked one in London because I wanted to be in the city.
University was eye-opening. I discovered Europe and realized the world was much bigger than the conformist, conservative East Asian country and backwater suburbs I knew. However, my degree didn't prepare me for life, and my emotionally underdeveloped state made me miserable in adult relationships. I chose emotionally distant or abusive friends, hurt people who liked me, and did no internships or travel because I was expected to help my family during holidays. I wanted to stay in London, looked for random jobs, but had no life skills or work experience. Eventually, I returned to East Asia.
By then, my father had moved to a more cosmopolitan East Asian city, living extravagantly. I interned at a fancy company for almost a year, hoping for a job offer that never came. I soon found a job in brand consulting and finally started earning money at 23. I had a relationship with an older woman, but I was still emotionally detached. I tried freelancing, learned to impress others, and almost made enough to support myself, but I was fundamentally lost and unhappy. I experienced my first depressive episode and decided to return to London for a Master's degree. My father agreed to fund my education.
That year was the happiest of my life. I loved university, research, and being with smart, nerdy people. I met an intelligent, caring, and beautiful woman, and we moved in together. I discovered more fulfilling ways to live and found that success didn't mean working for an investment bank or being rich. I wanted to be an academic, applied for a PhD, and got in after two attempts.
Academia wasn't all rosy. The work conditions were awful, and the publish-or-perish mentality sucked the joy out of research. I loved teaching but quickly learned it mattered little at a 'research university.' I gained weight, my relationship deteriorated, arguments turned physical, and I felt worthless. The pandemic made things worse, and I felt I needed to radically change my life. My solution was to become the person my family wanted: filial, loyal, and rich. I was ready to abandon my life in London and move back to East Asia to 'stop being a loser.'
I returned home, trying to fix my family and shower them with love. I interned at a VC firm, but it clashed with my values, and I cried every day at work. I broke up with my girlfriend for someone with no emotional attachment, leading to great sex but zero intimacy. Within three months, I was broke, living in a short-term rental, and eating unhealthily. Fortunately, I had a therapist, a good friend in Shanghai, and my girlfriend gave me a second chance. I realized my family's emotional neglect contributed to my unhappiness and depression. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and medicated, which helped me move out of paralysis. I confronted my family about their past actions and my diagnosis. My mother reacted poorly, calling me names and accusing me of being a horrible son. This ordeal made me realize I needed to break away from them. What I threw away in London was actually the most valuable: a career, a family, my identity.
After confronting my mother that year, she vowed never to see me again. However, 6-8 months later, she sent me a large sum of money for my birthday. I let her back into my life, partly for financial help but also seeking proof of their love and acceptance. Things improved initially, but soon she started complaining about mistreatment by my partner. Then, my parents promised to buy me a flat and pressured me to get married. I accepted the flat for stability and freedom, ignoring their past behavior. Predictably, the flat became a tool for my mother to control me. She threatened to sue me if my girlfriend moved in and disputed the flat's ownership just weeks before the move-in date. I have a demanding job and spend much of my day dealing with this situation, processing the emotional toll of my mother's actions. I feel unsafe, violated, and confused. I hear a voice telling me this is all my fault and that I'm too weak. I know what I need to do cognitively, but emotionally I'm paralyzed. Do you understand what I mean? What would you do?

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Template

(copy and paste this into your comment using "Markdown Mode", and it will format properly when you post!)
**Company:** [Company name; also, use the "formatting help" to make it a link to your company's website, or a specific careers page if you have one.]
**Type:** [Full time, part time, internship, contract, etc.]
**Description:** [What does your company do, and what are you hiring electrical/computer engineers for? How much experience are you looking for, and what seniority levels are you hiring for? The more details you provide, the better.]
**Location:** [Where's your office - or if you're hiring at multiple offices, list them. If your workplace language isn't English, please specify it.]
**Remote:** [Do you offer the option of working remotely? If so, do you require employees to live in certain areas or time zones?]
**Visa Sponsorship:** [Does your company sponsor visas?]
**Technologies:** [Give a little more detail about the technologies and tasks you work on day-to-day.]
**Contact:** [How do you want to be contacted? Email, reddit PM, telepathy, gravitational waves?]

I’ve been working in tech for my entire career and learned a lot on the job, I did not get some of the fundamental certifications. I manage a large global team and want to provide them resources and opportunities I didn’t have. We are running an exercise to effectively design optimal computers for our user base and am finding they don’t know the basics. I’m trying to figure out if CompTIA goes deep into hardware and resource utilization, so they would understand things like why certain programs do better with multiple cores, or when wattage impacts CPU performance, or how threading works, or all the things you sort of learn by playing around but might not truly understand what’s happening. I’ve found that a lot of people just want to keep throwing RAM or disk or CPU but never consider optimizing components.
Effectively I’m looking for advice on a more formal approach to learning. Most people can get by in their careers without true understanding, but I’m a context learner and like to know the different layers so I’m hoping I will get some advice here that I can pass on.
For the record, I’m posting rather than asking my personal network because I’m sitting in a Hong Kong lounge after flying across the globe for my job. I started doing tech support a long time ago and never stopped learning and trying to connect with other. On my flight I was reflecting on my career and how I’ve been able to get to where I am. I see a lot of posts asking for careeer advice. I’ve got lots of thoughts, but above everything I would say that making personal connections with people while honing the technical has singularly been the most important aspect of growth. Wanting to see those around you succeed tends to mean that others will want to see you succeed.
I’ll get off my soap box. Humbly grateful in advance.

Hello All,
I am a bachelor's level social worker. I have been the case manager of an emergency response team that is run by two LCSWs but the program covers four different counties that are all ran by peer recovery coaches. The point of my role was to assist with identifying mental health needs of clients and fulfilling the needs of the clients social determinants of health.
As the years have gone by (2 years ans 4 months) my role has become increasingly more obsolete. I offer to help out in any way that I csn but my supervision has been minimal. I was promised that I would have direct supervision from a LCSW working alongside them but that never happened.
In the past 5 months I have been slowly utilized less and less and seemingly pushed out of decisions that I was supposed to be a part of per my job description. I just so happen to also be in recovery and my anonymity was broken a few months into the job so I chose to disclose that I was in recovery to my supervisor.
The new chief of behavior health has been attempting to make everything uniform across the counties and they never hired another bachelor's level social worker either so I kind of got stuck with the county with the highest amount of need. There was talk of me taking on clients as a recovery coach role in addition to my normal job description. I had a feeling they were going to try to eliminate my position in the past few months but have been hanging on due to the fact that I have severe spinal stenosis that was misdiagnosed as arthritus.
On 5-14 my condition escalated to emergent conditions and I was having trouble getting a hold of my boss so I just went to the ER. When my boss finally called me back she asked me if I was still planning to go to the MAT training the next day to which I replied I had no idea, due to the fact that I was waiting on the neurosurgeon to review my case. She seemed upset that I missed an intake even though I was literally facing permanent nerve damage.
After my surgery I had to call her even though I was on PTO because of a client situation. She chose that time to tell me that they were going to eliminate my position as a case manager and wanted me to take on a peer coach which was obviously upsetting to me at the time. I requested a meeting with her and the chief behavior health officer.
We met on 5-20 and they backtracked and said that my position was not being eliminated but they did want to have me work as a peer coach and eliminate some of my responsibilities. I was told that the coordinator who is a peer coach would be my immediate day to day supervisor but I would still meet with my LCSW supervisor biweekly.
At this point I am applying for other positions as I cannot take any more of this complete and utter lack of respect. However, until then how do I address the NASW code of ethics as a social worker? Peer coaching requires self disclosure which I am not comfortable with entirely. I want to argue to protect my profession but I also can't afford to get fired or quit outright. I feel this is severely unethical to put me in this position. Does anyone have any insight? I am in Indiana if that helps at all.
Thank you.