Don coffee

Considering if I may have been dating some kind of narcissist?
Ok so, I’m only just considering the possibility that I was dating some kinda narcissist.
I met a guy from online dating. Exceptionally Handsome photos, very smooth and charming. We met in person and immediately and him got on exceptionally well. He was the most intelligent man I’ve ever met in my life, on dates he wanted to talk at length about intellectual topics.
Despite getting along well, this is where the weird behaviour came in. When parting ways on dates, after the date he was very distant. He would send a long formal message, not check I got home safe.
He never lovebombed. But I’m considering if he is a cerebral narcissist for the following reasons
We went on several further dates. Mainly daytime dates. He would be very affectionate, hold my hand and kiss my forehead. He brought me along to meet his friends. Still amazing conversation. But I always felt like he was the one in control
He was always quite a stern stoic person, very unemotional. He cared a lot about his hair, often showing me pics of himself. Talking about his appearance a lot
If I stayed over, in the mornings I basically felt he was kicking me out, same thing if he stayed at mine he would want to leave early. He’d make me coffee, and his demeanour had completely changed. He would not cuddle me after intimacy. Then after the date, once again taking days to reply and sending formal paragraphs.
After the first time I stayed over, which was a lovely date. He went on holiday for 10 days and didn’t message me. When he came back, he was being extremely cold in messages
The next thing was interesting. He was fired from his job. He told me it was because he told them ‘you don’t know how to run a company.’ this made him quite stressed
But he still continued meeting me. Once again affectionate on dates
On the very last date, he cooked me dinner and we had a nice time. Though when he was cooking the steak, he went on for about 20 mins about the science and molecules involved when cooking a steak. It was cute but a bit much. He always referred to intelligent people as ‘people like us.’ And he always commented on my intelligence as a reason why he likes me. On the morning of the last date, he went on a rant about how he struggles to respect those he works with as he feels they don’t deserve the job. He also told me empathy is something he finds hard to feel
Things changed after this date and he was texting me all the time. Sending cute date ideas. I then asked him if I could see him on my way past for a few hours, he told me he was hungover. And sent a bit of a harsh cold message
2 weeks later, he ended things and said he didn’t feel romantic.
2 months later, he comes back to be friends. Took me to play golf, to a music gig. Was being very nice to me, sending supportive messages when I was at work stressed. Hugging me a lot and telling me how glad he is to see me. Texting me a lot.
Then he disappears again. Ignored my messages. It’s like he only wants to speak or see me on his terms.
So I considered perhaps he is narcissistic minus the love bombing. (I’m too clever to fall for love bombing he could feel)
He claims ‘I’m just like him but he’s more harsh.’

4 doses of 2.5mg in and I’m throwing in the towel. This medication is not for me.
It has given me crazy appetite suppression to the point I can barely eat or drink. I try and drink but still feel constantly dehydrated. Last week I developed a UTI which after taking an antibiotic went into a kidney infection I am now on another antibiotic for. I feel uncomfortably full after very small amounts of liquid but I am trying to flush this out. I have had to take 4 days off work this week due to feeling so unwell which is unheard of for me . I do think this is Mounjaro related.
I can’t even enjoy a morning coffee, one of my favourite things as a few sips and I’m too full and the burping starts. I have had horrendous sulphur burps for the last week or 2.
My sleep has been shit and I have increased feelings of anxiety. I’m not saying this is a side effect of Mounjaro but most likely be from my poor body not knowing what the hell is happening from lack of proper nutrition. I have had not a smidgen of energy since week one where I couldn’t sleep but also felt totally wired during the day. My husband is worried about me. Hope I feel “normal” soon.
This is a wake up call for me. It’s not just weight, it’s well-being. I know this is not the case for everyone, I’m “just” in the obese category for my height and don’t have any health issues to speak off. I am a life long binge eater and have poor body image but feeling my health and well-being dip over the last 4 weeks has made me want to try addressing this in other ways. I have in the past. I’ve had counselling for my BED and have the intuitive eating book and workbook festering in a cupboard more or less untouched.
I also think it’s cemented for me there is no easy way to do this weight loss thing. I know there are people out there who frown on taking meds and think it’s a quick fix. It’s far from it. I’m sure the vast majority of those taking it have side effects to some extent and are “choosing their hard”.
Best of luck to everyone else on their journeys.

Horrible sleep yet again, I feel so tired but my anxiety is keeping me up again. My stomach has this weird sensation in it. It feels like butterflies when I am on a rollercoaster.
My head also hurts, I don’t know why. It’s at the top of my head and I’m afraid that my arteries will get blocked by the cholesterol or they’re thinning ans I will get a brain aneurysm. Either way is horrible honestly. It’s at the top of my head which is a really odd place to feel pain in. I have had this sensation before, that was when I went off coffee for a day.
Maybe the veins are just expanding due to the lack of use of coffee today. Usually I drink it at 10 but I did not do that today. And coffee is known for making the walls more confined. It constricts them causing the blood pressure to elevate.
It’s not the sensation is just weird at the top of my head. Only at the top? Maybe I am dehydrated but I don’t see as hot how that would be the cause because I had water right before sleep. It’s a mild pulsation maybe I can just try to sleep it off?
I am still pissed by the way. Go fuck yourself.
Update: 11:51 No, I can feel my heartbeat through my brain veins now. Just great that is what I need after getting up to pee a f drink water. My mouth still feels very dry even though I drink a lot of water. It’s on one side now, on my left side where my forehead is. It’s pulsating and I can feel my heartbeat through that pulsation. I am tired, go fuck yourself.

LOOKING FOR WORK AROUND YOUNGSTOWN OHIO
Anyone looking for a woman with experience in everything from dishy, ordering, menu creation, COGs and menu pricing, training others, food certificates, being MOD during inspections, every station from dishy to head sauté to prep, to even being the one to tackle the nasty jobs because I recognise that I usually get paid more than my staff and I enjoy showing that I’m not afraid of getting dirty? I have 15 years in kitchens and 6 years of management.
One was a cafe style management position so like sandwiches and coffees (not really cooking IMO but where a lot of my management experience comes from), another was 3.5 ish years in a kitchen. Started as dishy and worked my way up to head sauté at two locations (owner and I would switch weeks - one week I’d be sauté at one and the other week sauté at the other. It worked for us because that way he could check on how I was managing the two places in his absence and we were low staffed at the time - he normally didn’t work that much).
By the time I left the second position, all of the younger employees were calling me “chef”, I assume because of The Bear, and I kept telling them that I wasn’t. Whatever, it was still great. I was essentially KM and head sauté and expo at both locations on the days that I’d work. Sometimes with one helper but sometimes even the dishy gotta call out 😔 I definitely have experience running four or five stations at once.
ETA - I have 15 years of kitchen stuff. I only listed the two most relevant.
I’m a quick learner and take lots of notes, so I’d be a great addition to any kitchen. I have also only ever had ONE steak sent back for being less medium and more rare. I have prepared thousands of ribeyes at this point.
I’m very interested in learning more about the industry and would love to engage in how and why you do your stuff the way you do it. I’m not a know it all but I am a very good learner. I’ll leave this with a quote from my personal favourite chef who was also into literature -
“Skills can be taught. Character you either have or you don’t have.”
Feel free to message me or comment here or whatever. The catch though, is that I’m happy to start at whatever wage, but by the time training is done, I’d like to be making at least $20-$25 an hour along with full benefits. I’m willing to be salaried and such as well. I also have no issues with 50-60-70 hour weeks. I’m ya fuckin gal.
Hmu or don’t! Love all of you always. 🫶🖤💫🌟

Hi all, I am currently outlining my trip, from the 4th of july to the 19th of july. I am mainly focussing on sightseeing, food and cocktails. Any good recommendations are appreciated. My itenerary is not that full or strict. I will mainly be staying in hostels. I might not be strict on day 3 and 4 depending on how bad the jetlag is (coming from europe)
4-7: arrival at 21:30, Go to hostel and probably crash. (tokyo)
5-7: art aquarium museum, Teamlab borderlessm toyosu Market (tokyo)
6-7: Shibuya, shibuya crossing, Meiji Shrine (maybe on vrijdag), Nakameguro (tokyo)
7-7: Shinjuku Gyoen, Shinjuku gebied, tokyo metroplitan governement building, Shinjuku Chuo park (tokyo)
8-7: Kokyo, kanda shrine, , uenopark, some relaxing nacht bus naar kyoto (tokyo)
9-7: Arrival around 7 in the morning at kyoto, vind locker to store luggage, then get coffee and food, explore kyoto, untill I don’t want to and go to hotel. (kyoto)
10-7: Relaxxxx (just winding down from the past few days. (kyoto)
11-7: Tenryuji, Nijo Castle, Nishiki market (kyoto)
12-7: Explore Kyoto, in afternoon to Osaka, Dotonbori, and explore Osaka. (kyoto, Osaka)
13-7: Nara
14-7: Tsūtenkakum, Sumiyoshi Taisha, minami, osaka castle (osaka)
15-7: Osaka, relax. Maybe beach or something. Night bus to hiroshima (osaka)
16-7: Arrival at 07:30. Look for locker, or dump baggage at hostel. Then Hiroshima castle, peace memorial Park, Hiroshima Orizuru Tower. Okonomiyaki Pancakes (hiroshima)
17-7: Miyajima,, stay the night there (maybe)? (hiroshima, Miyajima)
18-7: van miyajima to hiroshima, some sightseeing then back to tokio (by plane, check in hostel nearby Haneda) (hiroshima)
19-7: some shopping in tokyo, and final sightseeing, the plane back home at 20:00 from haneda. (tokyo)
I did have some questions maybe some of you can answer, firstly are there storage lockers at major stations? As i can arrive quite early and dont want to drag my luggage around. Secondly what type of luggage is preferable, a large hardcase suitcase, or a backpack? keep in mind I am also taking a backpack with camera equipment. Again, any reccomendations are appreciated.

Hey! I’m flying to LA from Seattle for the show. I have an additional ticket, but I don’t have any friend who also listens to her music so I want to meet other fellow fans. I’m wondering if anyone needs a ticket and is interested in going with me, and maybe we can grab a coffee before the show. Please message me your favorite song and why you like it. I’m giving the ticket away for free :)

Like always, my brain is always processing information. One of the powers of ADHD mixed with coffee in the wee hours of the morning.
I’ve been having an issue where my I am certain that my iPhone has been mirrored. I’ve had a lot of fun sending messages to myself and getting feedback from people that don’t actually know I’m sending messages to myself.
An idea came to me though for a movie called, “Apple Beta”. It’s about an evil character who wants to be both God and Satan (which created a character called Gaten)and his goal is to use technology to try to take over the world. He finds someone with Apple Beta Software, which he edits to make it control everything in the world. Here’s the twist though, he also copy’s the software to everyone else’s phone so he can make their phones to control everything. I haven’t totally figured out the total plot and story line yet but I found this to be an interesting thing to play with in my head. I thought others may find this thought provoking as well.
“Keep Your Brain On”
Erock Michaels

The main purpose is to combat cortisol and anxiety (but other advantages are acceptable). I'd taken nac previously, but not consistently enough to feel the effects.
Now my question is: when should I take those? Asch presumably in the evening before going to bed, and nac with theanine in the morning. I normally wait 1-2 hours after waking up before drinking coffee (which I want to pair with l-theanine), although sometimes I have breakfast beforehand, sometimes I don't. According to several sources, L-theanine should be taken on an empty stomach (nac is optimal). Does this mean I can't eat for a while after taking it, even if I took it on an empty stomach? Another question is whether caffeine should be taken 1-2 hours after waking up to avoid interfering with morning cortisol levels; is this the case with nac and l-theanine? My logic indicates so, but I don't actually have any legitimate information.

Hello! I’m feeling a little discouraged- I’m visiting Paris from 17th-20th June and am looking for a hotel with parking as I’m driving my parents car down to Bergerac for them. I have been searching hotel sites but as I don’t know Paris at all I have no idea where to stay. I think I’d like to be close to a metro station as I use a cane and too much walking is exhausting for me. My partner would like to be within walking distance to a bakery or something to grab coffee and breakfast. We will be visiting the Eiffel Tower, doing a seine river cruise, crazy horse Paris show and the catacombs (also open to suggestions)- so somewhere with easy access to those sites- any ideas? Or general location suggestions?

The living room is often considered the heart of a home—a place where family and friends gather to relax, socialize, and make lasting memories. Creating a cozy and inviting living room involves more than just selecting furniture; it’s about curating an atmosphere that feels warm and welcoming. Here are some tips and ideas to help you transform your living room into a cozy haven.
1. Start with a Large Round Rug
One of the most impactful ways to define your living room space and add a touch of coziness is by incorporating a large round rug. Round rugs for living room are not only visually appealing, but they also soften the angles of furniture and create a focal point in the room. Whether you opt for a plush shag rug for added warmth or a patterned rug to introduce texture, a round carpet for living room can instantly make the space feel more inviting.
2. Choose Comfortable Seating
Comfort is key when it comes to seating in the living room. Invest in a quality sofa with deep cushions and soft upholstery. Add a mix of chairs and ottomans to provide ample seating options. Consider pieces that encourage relaxation, like recliners or chaise lounges. Don’t forget to pile on the pillows and throws for added comfort and a homely feel.
3. Layer with Textures
To create a cozy atmosphere, layer different textures throughout the room. Combine soft textiles like wool blankets, velvet cushions, and cotton throws with natural materials like wood, leather, and stone. This mix not only adds visual interest but also makes the space feel warm and inviting.
4. Use Warm Lighting
Lighting plays a crucial role in setting the mood of your living room. Opt for warm, soft lighting instead of harsh, bright lights. Use a combination of table lamps, floor lamps, and wall sconces to create a layered lighting effect. Consider dimmable lights to adjust the ambiance according to the occasion.
5. Incorporate Personal Touches
Make your living room truly yours by incorporating personal touches and decor that reflect your personality. Display family photos, travel souvenirs, and artwork that you love. These elements add character to the room and make it feel uniquely yours.
6. Add a Round Rug for the Living Room
If your living room has multiple seating areas or an open floor plan, consider adding another round rug for the living room to define different zones. For instance, place a round rug under the coffee table to anchor the main seating area and another near a reading nook or secondary seating arrangement. This not only adds visual harmony but also enhances the cozy feel.
7. Embrace a Neutral Color Palette
A neutral color palette can create a serene and welcoming environment. Shades of beige, gray, and white serve as a perfect backdrop for a cozy living room. You can introduce pops of color through accessories like cushions, rugs, and artwork. Neutrals also make it easier to switch up your decor seasonally without clashing with the main color scheme.
8. Introduce Natural Elements
Bringing elements of nature indoors can enhance the coziness of your living room. Houseplants, flowers, and natural wood accents add warmth and life to the space. Plants not only improve air quality but also create a soothing atmosphere.
9. Keep it Clutter-Free
A cozy living room doesn’t mean cluttered. Keep the space tidy and organized to maintain a welcoming ambiance. Use storage solutions like baskets, shelves, and cabinets to keep everyday items out of sight but within reach. A clutter-free environment promotes relaxation and peace of mind.
10. Create a Fireplace Focal Point
If you have a fireplace, make it the focal point of your living room. Arrange seating around the fireplace to encourage conversation and warmth. Even if your fireplace is non-functional, you can still decorate the mantel with candles, lanterns, or decorative items to enhance the cozy vibe.
Incorporating these ideas into your living room design will help you create a space that is not only cozy and inviting but also functional and stylish. Remember, the key to a welcoming living room lies in balancing comfort with personal style, so don’t be afraid to experiment and make the space your own. With the right elements like a large round rug, comfortable seating, and warm lighting, your living room can truly become the heart of your home.

I (22F) ran into a guy (22M, an acquaintance) I used to play volleyball with while I was walking to work and we learnt we work in the same area. Two weeks later, he messaged me asking to catch up for coffee during our lunch breaks. He paid for coffee. The conversation was great but it was definitely “getting to know you” questions (church, family, school, work, etc) because we don’t know much about each other to “catch up”. He said it was nice to catch up and hoped he would see me around.
I tried to ask indirectly if it was a date by asking what prompted him to ask me out for coffee. He said that when he told a mutual friend that we work in the same area, our mutual friend suggested we catch up during our break. I can’t tell if it was a date and I’m not sure if I should follow up with him since I haven’t heard from him? He is a very quiet, timid and shy guy so I’m surprised he asked me to catch up at all. We’re both Christian and attend different churches but since I don’t play volleyball anymore, I won’t see him again unless we plan to.
TL;DR: guy asked me to coffee to “catch up”. He paid. We don’t have an established friendship to catch up on, we just got to know each other (eg spoke about family, church, school, work). How do you know if it’s a date and if it’s interested?

Im still recovering from yesterday. I slept horribly and dreamt about poisonous spiders. Some very frightening things indeed. Im really tired.
I haven’t apologized yet cause im not okay just yet and cause i feel like sorry isn’t going to cut it. How could it? It’s so so bad.
I need some calm and reducing overwhelm cause i felt like i was gonna lose my mind yesterday.
I don’t understand. Unless those letters are not yours. I thought you were done with me? Never want to see me again. Never want to talk to me again. Are the things you say not as final as they appear? I don’t know.
Today, my mom hits me with going to see an apartment tmr and im just….even more overwhelmed.
How are you? Are you eating? Sleeping?
I don’t care about anyone but you. I don’t know if that letter was you but our relationship was very important for me. I mean it was my first and the first time anyone seemed interested in me. It got me through some very tough times and i could never forget. Though part of me still doubts whether it happened because after all you denied it. Not trying to blame you, this is just what my head space is like.
Im sorry all this weird mental health stuff happened and made it very confusing for me. And left you feeling left out.
You don’t need to be perfect btw, i don’t expect you to. Did i ever say that? I don’t think so. You’ve got trauma responses (it seems to me, don’t want to overstep though) and so do I and we’ll work through them. It will be okay.
It’s way too early to think this way (i don’t know if i will get this place) but I imagine you staying over at my place and going to Main st to get some coffee. I can’t help it. Yeah so my mom and i have been trying to find a low income place for me to rent but it’s not going well. It’s really hard to find. Now a place came up but it’s a special low price. So i don’t know what will happen. (I don’t feel comfortable discussing this on the internet this way cause someone might see)
I hope you’re okay and you can treat yourself to something nice, whatever it might be.
I love you and wish i could see you. Are you coming by Van this summer?

Apologies if this inappropriate for the sub.
Right now, I’ve realized I’ve gained weight from heartburn meds that was caused by my coffee consumption, and everything I’ve been eating is just soaked in seed oils
At the moment I have chocolate rice cakes and frozen breaded chicken with seed oils that I have to make use of so I don’t waste my money, but for the the time being I need to make a list of food to help me lose weight and reduce my seed oil consumption.
In general I’m look for food I can make in bulk and store in the freezer, or foods that are generally simple to cook in bulk
Right now my list of foods at home are
Rice Chicken Cheese Tortillas (not a fan of bread anymore) Frozen berry mixes: Strawberry Blueberry Raspberry Cherries Bananas Oats Milk Yoghurt Peas Carrots
See how small it is. I’m gonna get tired of it very quickly. I had bad experiences it with spoiled beef, I don’t like pork, fish is too expensive. My plan was to eat 1 rice cake per day, half a chicken thigh with rice and vegetables, a cup of oats with milk, and then some berries. Should add up to around 1500-1800 calories and my maintenance is 2000. My current food consumption has been over 2500 cals and I’m only 20 so I know I’m eating too much with the obvious weight gain. But I have no doubt my old diet of sauces laced with seed oils, drinks (yes drinks), cereals, breads, etc literally everyone was oily, with bad oils, had caused some issues.

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The following two brain scans were provided by the Neuro-Warfare branch of the Halcyon Security Division (HSD) for the purpose of analyzing the thoughts, behaviors, and information of notorious gangsters Vincent 'Troy' Cohen and Bruno (Deadname: Koraak Tel-Char). At the point of the recording of this archival shared, Bruno has since received his rebirth therapy, and Vincent is currently serving a long-term rehabilitative and reeducative sentence in the Erebus Supermax Prison on Io.
Warning: the contents of this archival shared may be especially disturbing to some audiences. Viewer discretion is advised.
Warning: the contents of this archival shard are for the sole purpose of analyzing the thought patterns and memories of certain degenerate criminals in an effort to ascertain vital information that can be used to eliminate their organizations. Only staff with clearance level Omega may view this archival shared, and the viewership of this archival shared by anyone of inadequate clearance level will lead to twenty years in prison and a fine of over a hundred thousand credits.
Booting up memory scan: Vincent 'Troy' Cohen, November 4th, 2446…
Loading and processing firmware data… translating… memories and subconscious simulated…
Beginning archival shard presentation…
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"Do you have visuals of the target, Troy?"
I knelt down in the alleyway, the bodies of me and my partners shrouded in long, waterproof, ashen-gray overcoats the shade of dirty street scum that we wore to ward off the constant heavy rainfall the color of osmium. Our faces were covered in a mix of scrapped respirators, visors, or full metal face masks carved with intricate designs to hide our identities. On our waists were our badges of honor: leather belts studded with interlocked rivets made from blackened titanium, each buckle forged of silver and shaped into the head of our gang's symbol, the black mamba. We hid amongst the shadows of the dark midday of Halcyon City, the heavy, oppressive rains blanketing the roads paved obsidian-black with asphalt and weathered concrete walkways. The street lamps were always on, like beacons of false hope in a storm of melancholy.
The city was dark and dreary as always, the planet of Proxima Centauri B, renamed Dawn's Lamentation over a century ago, orbited the red dwarf star of Proxima Centauri, and the atmosphere was thick with natural smog and ever-storming rain clouds. That didn't dissuade people from living here: there was plenty of money to be had for shrewd industrialists and hardworking pioneers, even in the urban sprawl. But that life also came with risks, especially for those on the bottom of the totem pole.
I was a ganger, and we were criminals; full stop. I won't assault you with some spiel about how we're the good guys fighting oppression because, at the end of the day, we could be just as bad, if not worse, than Halcyon's Security Division, or the HSD for short. We were traffickers, killers, extortionists, and money launderers. We dealt with everything from stolen tech and military-grade hardware to hard drugs and sentients.
Yes, sentients. We trafficked sentients, but not in the way you might think. They weren't prisoners, in fact, we were their saviors if they had the cash. We had developed a reputation for fighting the power, but it was still business: sure, freeing captives from the clutches of the Protectorate. The disruption of its many oppressive organizations held a certain satisfaction in my heart for sure, but we didn't help those who couldn't pay unless someone else paid on their behalf. It was about making sure me and my gang, my family, could live a decent life for another day.
It helped that most of us joined after leaving the state yard for partaking in acts of 'degeneracy' and 'anti-xenopet illegalities' as if those terms meant anything anymore other than that we were a threat to the local status quo. It was hard to pick up a job as a former inmate when even in something as harsh and backbreaking as a job in the iridium mines near the poles when the employment office had you blacklisted as a degenerate, which lead to the formation of many of the gangs: we needed to make a living somehow, and when all social programs were cut off from you unless you submitted for 're-education' and the only way to put food on the table was subverting, breaking, or even downright fighting the law, you did what you had to do or you died on the streets a scorned beggar.
It wasn't like the HSD made it easy for us on even a good day: the local HSD units were armed to the teeth with advanced, military-grade hardware that you'd often see on the front lines of the Second Authority War: armored assault transports, a myriad of advanced war droids, all sorts of chemical countermeasures that made tear gas seem like putting the garden hose on mist mode, and of course advanced firearms. Add that to the fact that they were authorized to use deadly force when they deemed it necessary and you had a ruthless, heartless, and nearly unstoppable enemy. But we could make that work: we weren't trying to stop them, just to withstand them.
"Yeah, I got eyes on the prize, Koraak; seven armored transports, two for droids, five for prisoners."
Today wasn't a day for a normal job: we were getting bolder, cockier, more ambitious. Our numbers had swelled for the last few years after the raid at Barnard's Star and the fall of the Blood Dragon Mafia. Their leader, Saito Yasuhide, had committed seppuku as their manor burned, and his twin sons had gone down fighting rather than allowing themselves to be captured simply to face a firing squad. In the aftermath, many of the family's associates had fled to the surrounding systems, and with the sheer size and scope of the criminal underworld found here, it was no wonder that many people who had developed skills of the less legal variety had decided to form ranks with the gangs, and with them they brought guns, tech, knowledge, contacts, and even something that we thought wasn't possible beforehand: a semblance of peace between the gangs, or at least the closest thing to peace that gangs could cultivate effectively. With the fall of the Blood Dragons, we saw the writing on the wall, and the writing couldn't have been clearer: work together or die together.
"Sounds like a massacre, Troy: are you sure we can handle seven?"
"We ain't got no choice, Cinder: this job's double the usual rate, and that's not including the weapons and gear we could scrounge if this goes well," I hissed, my eyes scanning for any resistance. There were at least four guards for each van, not to mention at least eight droids in total, meaning that we were already outnumbered, but we had the element of surprise: we could make it work. "So put your balls in your purse and get ready to spill some blood."
Koraak snorted at our antics, which sounded like someone pulling the ripcord on a lawnmower. He was a veteran Russu Corsair, and while his past of slaving, raiding, and killing was unsavory, so were the lives we'd lived, so who were we to judge? All we cared about was that he was a brutal and capable fighter and a loyal brother in arms. It turned out that being a ganger wasn't much different from being a Corsair: you lived and died by a code of honor, you fought to the death for your brothers, and you lived to die for the sake of your gang and your family, simple as that. In a strange, ironic way, it was an incredibly honest way of life: we were under no illusions as to what we were, what we did, and why we did it, and we'd long since accepted it. The Russu related to us in that aspect, in many ways I could respect, which is why I hated what the Protectorate was doing, and why I couldn't grasp how most of humanity could just collectively lose their marbles so long ago. What had happened for us to deem all other life below us in such a demeaning and infantilizing way?
The Russu were a race of tall, muscle-bound Saurians with avian features, and Koraak was no exception: reaching almost seven feet in height and weighing over four hundred and fifty pounds, he could be an absolute menace if he so desired. His skin was covered in stubby, knobby scales and dense plumage, with elegant feathers adorning the ridges along his back as well as his forearms, elbows, knees, and the crests on his head. He almost looked like how paleontologists described velociraptors, with razor-sharp talons, feathers shaded in vibrant greens, reds, and purples, and a maw full of sharp teeth, but at the tip of his snout was a sharp, beak-like growth meant for ripping flesh off the bone.
The Russu were strange as hell, but they also looked almost cute in the same way a fully grown alligator was cute: they were obviously dangerous, but humans would always have this innate desire to anthropomorphize them and to pet them for some inexplicable reason, although common sense usually prevented that, at least amongst the very few of us left that were sane.
"Shut up, Troy! All I'm saying is that that'll be rough, and you know it," hissed Cinder. Cinder was a tall black man whose coffee-colored skin was covered in tattoos. He wore an ebony mechanic's jumpsuit with metal inserts underneath his grimy overcoat covering his body and a faded black respirator on his face. His eyes were a startling blue that seemed sorely out of place, and his hair was braided into thick cornrows along his scalp. He wore a pair of heavy black combat boots and palmed his compact shotgun in his hands, the square barrel less than seven inches. Like a lot of the weapons the Black Mambas carried on their persons and dealt in, they fired caseless ammunition; in Cinder's case it was 16x40mm caseless shotshells filled with depleted uranium micro-flechetes no thicker than a toothpick. Cinder nervously fiddled with the detachable tube magazine underneath the barrel, his hands shaking. Despite the shit I have him, I didn't blame him for being anxious: I was anxious too, even if I refused to show it. The biting cold of unease and pessimism was in my stomach, and I ran all the way that this job could go wrong in my head over and over.
"Just hold yourself together, this ain't anything we haven't done before, there's just more of it," I reassured Cinder, "besides, we're not alone; we have reinforcements across the street. We'll make it out of this alive."
Cinder nodded almost absentmindedly, his eyes downcast and his breathing shallow. I turned from him and back to Koraak, who was making sure he had everything on his person; he had a synthetic leather bandoleer across his chest that contained the heavy eight guage depleted uranium slugs he kept loading and unloading into his much larger, longer, and more traditional shotgun he nicknamed ‘carnage’ and several leather straps that held his Tu'shan daggers: traditional Russu pyramidal blades forged from a silvery alloy with all three edges serrated and the tip barbed to leave behind horrible, gaping wounds that gushed blood. They were wickedly sharp and absolutely straight like a stiletto, and the hilts and pommels were beautifully decorated. He wore no clothes underneath his overcoat to cover the countless scars and blemishes he's earned in combat across his chest and abdomen, and instead of a normal respirator or visor, he simply wore a hood over his head and some traditional Russu facial armor to protect his mouth, eyes, and cheeks.
"You ready to fight, Koraak? The caravan will pick up and leave soon."
Koraak was silent for a moment before nodding, a human gesture he had picked up after serving as a soldier with the Black Mambas for years. "I'm always ready to fight," he said before lifting up his shotgun and aiming down the sights at the reinforced front wheels of the first armored car in the caravan. He exhaled and fired, the slug ripping through both front tires and causing them to deflate and fall apart. The echo of the shot rang through the alleyway and the street, causing pedestrians to panic and flee the scene as heavily armored guards poured out of the side doors of the armored cars and unholstered their carbines.
"Go, now!" I shouted, and both me and Cinder rushed out into the fray, our guns raised. Koraak was right behind the two of us, providing covering fire with his shotgun. Several guards fell quickly, Koraak's precise fire and the sheer force of the depleted uranium slugs putting them down for good as their heads were vaporized or their chest cavities were turned to mush. He emptied the tube with one final shot that painted the grey matter of a security guard on the door of one of the armored cars, then racked the shotgun and expertly loaded it in threes, his hands deft and agile as he reached for more slugs faster than any human.
With the cacophony of our initial assault, more Black Mambas poured out from the alleyways and the subways, armed to the teeth with all manner of weapons; shotguns, submachine guns, pistols, machetes, baseball bats, and all manner of homemade explosives. Molotovs and more potent concoctions shattered against the asphalt, herding in the caravan guards with their volatile contents as they were quickly gunned down. The assault was working, and we were winning.
Then I heard the robotic whine of a combat droid activating, and my heart sank. One of the armored cars in the back activated the four combat droids it held, the robotic assault units detaching from their charging ports on the sides of the large van and began to form up, each armed with a terrifying array of deadly weapons meant to quash any and all resistance. They were blocky, soulless, utilitarian things that stood at eight feet tall, with flat feet meant for stomping and blades, grasping claws designed to lacerate flesh and shatter bone. On each shoulder was a weapon: on the left was a multi-barrel rotary grenade launcher loaded with 15mm concussion grenades, and on the right was a burst-fire splinter cannon. They were all painted a dull grayish-green, the color of Halcyon's Security Division, although some had a few decorations on them: the one closest to me had a bit of graffiti on the side that said Mr. Hugs in Comic Sans, which I couldn't decide whether that made it more or less terrifying. They split up without hesitation and began to scan the chaotic battlefield, their single, red, beady lenses the security forces had the gall to call eyes focusing on specific targets to eliminate.
An entire group of Black Mambas was torn to pieces by a cloud of flechettes as one of the droids fired a withering three-round burst of shotshells from the four gauge splinter cannon mounted on its shoulder. Another picked up a Black Mamba in its hand and crushed her skull effortlessly before tossing her limp body to the side, its single, red, remorseless robotic eye tracking a new target. Most bullets that struck their thick armored chassis simply bounced off, and those that could pierce the armor didn't seem to phase the droids whatsoever, merely notifying them of a new potential target.
"Damnit," I shouted as I gunned down another guard only for two more to take his place. "Cinder! We gotta pop open the cars and scram! Get the maglock cutters!"
Cinder rushed and slid over through a dirty puddle, pulling out a maglock cutter from the inside of his coat and slipping it onto the back door of the first van. It immediately went to work, drilling through the maglock with a high-powered plasma torch nozzle, and within ten seconds we heard the telltale clunk of the maglock separating. I yanked the door open and ordered I side, ready to escort the prisoners out… only for my face to contort in shock and horror.
The back was empty. There was not a single soul inside of the back brig of the armored car.
"What the fuck…" Cinder gasped, his eyes wide with shock. "What the actual fuck… what the fuck is this, Troy?"
"I… I don't…" I stuttered the sounds of battle and carnage drowned out by the sound of blood rushing in my ears. All five cars were supposed to be filled with recently captured Russu from the front lines ready to be housed in the local Xenopet-Megaplex for processing and conditioning. The fact that this one was empty…
Suddenly, it all hit me at once with the force of a freight train, but it was too late. "We were set up, Cinder; our fucking client either squealed or was crooked to begin with…"
"Fucking bitch!" Cinder shouted as he spun around in an enraged arch, anger growing in his eyes. He aimed his shotgun at an approaching security guard and reduced his upper body to a fine red mist with a cacophony of shotgun blasts. "We gotta get everyone who's left out of here! Do you know what this means? The Jurors will be here soon, and then we're all going down! We gotta go, fuck the job!"
I grit my teeth. Not the Jurors, anything but the Jurors.
"Fine, gather everyone who's left and we'll slip through the sewers, the droids are too bulky to follow us there…"
As I spoke, my eyes wandered to the seventh and final armored car, the second of the droid cars, and my blood froze. Not only were all four ports empty, but they were also smaller and more shallow than the ports for the combat droids. That could only mean one thing.
"Oh fuck! Cinder, we gotta get our Russu members out of here! They've got arachnid droids!"
Arachnid droids were the stuff of nightmares. Resembling blocky, robotic arachnids the size of a manhole cover, they were specifically designed to take down sentient aliens, specifically the Russu, using sickeningly non-lethal means. They were equipped with full-body adaptive cloaking to blend in with their environments, paralytic agents that they could inject into their victims, built-in taser barbs, psychedelic gas ports for crowd-control, and a narrow-coned cacophony canon that disabled the Russu using incredibly high-pitched sounds that only they could hear, forcing them onto their knees and clutching the backs of their heads where their auditory organs were stored in agony. But worst of all was their stygian spinnerets: special ports near the end of their robotic abdomens that excreted a viscous, latex-like substance made up of millions of nano-bots. This substance could be used to render Russu blind, deaf, and mute by having it forced onto their faces, the black substance growing and enveloping their heads and working its way into every orifice. It was completely permeable to the standard atmosphere, but any Russu who had been 'webbed' was completely helpless and essentially captured, and the 'webbing' was both nearly indestructible and nigh impossible to remove without a triple-encrypted override key that was found in every arachnid droid's code, which was corrupted when the droid was destroyed or hacked into. Once you were 'webbed', you were essentially captured and the standard protocol was to leave you to the wolves since the nano-bots could be tracked, endangering the entire gang.
I turned just as I heard the deafening sound of Koraak discharging his shotgun, and I saw him squaring off against one of the assault droids. The droid has obviously been programmed to not use lethal force against Russu if possible, as instead of simply killing Koraak with it's shoulder-mounted splinter cannon, it approached with its claws extended, blades retracted. Koraak continued to back away and fire, pumping the droid full of depleted uranium slugs, its armor crumbling inward as the slugs pierced its chassis and damaged its internal cyberstructure. Eventually, Koraak ran out of slugs and instinctively reached to his bandoleer only to find that he had no more shells left at all, and he drew one of his knives and his sidearm, a simple high-caliber handgun. He tried to take down the droid with his handgun, but the bullets didn't even seem to affect the droid upon penetration, it's claws still extended as it attempted to apprehend Koraak.
In the corner of my vision, as I watched Koraak battle with the droid, I noticed a faint shimmer in the air on one of the black streetlight poles that was right behind him. I focused on it and blinked, believing my eyes had deceived me for a moment before realizing that it was actually a cloaked arachnid droid stalking Korvaak, ready to pounce and incapacitate him.
Before I could shout, it leaped from the pole and landed on Korvaak, causing him to shout in surprise while it began to coagulate its horrifying stygian webbing to disable Korvaak. Korvaak tried to wrestle it off of him, but the droid was agile and fast, clinging onto Korvaak and skittering around across his upper body as he attempted to grab it, forcibly wrapping the sticky black liquid across his face as he gagged like a spider wrapping up a fly. I rushed towards him to try and help, but I felt pain explode in my ribs as I was struck with the arm of the closest combat droid and launched into the chassis of a parked car, the metal denting from the sheer force of impact. I groaned in pain as I saw stars and my head spun, and just then I felt a blinding light be cast over me.
“Drop your weapons and kneel with your hands on your head, or you will be pacified with deadly force!” Shouted a loud, artificially deepened voice from above. “I repeat, drop your weapons and kneel with your hands on your head! Neither hostility nor hesitation will be tolerated!”
It was the Jurors, I could feel the air being pushed around from the thrusters on their drop ships, and I could hear screams and shouts as my fellow Black Mambas were quickly gunned down. I couldn’t see well since I was seeing double, but I could hear the slaughter as my eyes dimmed and I began to lose consciousness, my regrets crawling up my throat like vomit.
I’m sorry was all I could think as everything finally went dark, and the sounds of chaos, destruction, and combat faded away.
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Memory halted due to loss of consciousness. Booting next available memory in shard…
Booting up memory scan: Koraak Tel-Char Bruno, November 5th, 2446…
Loading and processing firmware data… translating… memories and subconscious simulated…
Beginning archival shard presentation…
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“Good morning, sleepyhead; it’s time for breakfast.”
My eyes shot open. I was not in the street anymore, nor was I home in my bed with my mate. I knew instantly that something was horribly wrong. I tried to stand up, but I couldn’t gain the leverage to do so: my ankles had been shackled together with magnetic cuffs and my arms were forced together in front of me.
I was wearing some kind of thick shirt. It was warm, fluffy, and comfortable on the inside, but it still made me incredibly uncomfortable that my arms didn’t have a free range of motion. I looked down to see that I was wearing some human garment I had heard about before, a straightjacket maybe?
The entire room was padded: the walls, the floor, even the ceiling. There was no bed or furniture; the floor was soft enough to serve as a bed in itself. There was nothing else except for the soft reddish-orange lights on the ceiling that somehow made me sleepy. I blinked slowly for a moment, my body screaming at me to just lay back down and lose consciousness, but I couldn’t do that: I needed to figure out where I was and how to escape.
Then I noticed who was speaking to me: it was a short human female, with crow's feet around her blue eyes, blonde hair braided down her back, and freckles all over her face. She had a soft smile on her lips, and her forehead was slightly crinkled. She wore a full-body white lab suit with a white overcoat and a pair of glasses for snugly on her face.
"There we go, now I can see those pretty eyes, such a beautiful shade of teal," she cooed softly, "You're such a handsome boy, even with all those scars: I'm sure you'll be adopted very quickly once we get you fixed up."
Fear gripped my heart as I began to piece all the evidence together. I had been captured; I was no longer on Halcyon, and instead, I was in one of the horrific space-born facilities I had heard so much about from the inside agents. I started to hyperventilate and squawk like a newborn hatchling, my eyes dilating in panic. This couldn't be happening! This has to be a nightmare!
The human woman merely wrapped her arms around me and pulled me into an embrace, cradling my head under her chin and speaking softly. I couldn't bite at her or claw at her: I was muzzled and wearing a straight jacket, so I had no choice but to allow her to coddle me.
"It's okay, sweetheart: I understand you're scared, but Julie's here to make all the pain and bad thoughts go away," she said as if she was comforting a child, which made anger blossom in my chest indignantly. "I'll be your caretaker for the next few months, and I'm going to make sure you're healthy, happy, and most importantly safe while you're under our care. I'm sorry to say that includes your restraints and restrictive clothing, but we have to make sure you aren't a threat to yourself or others before we can determine if it's a good idea to remove you from suicide watch."
I growled under my muzzle. Suicide watch? They must have had a lot of instances of Russu taking their own lives after being captured, something I wished I had been able to do before that damnable droid launched itself onto me and…
I shuddered at the thought of the black, viscous substance forcing itself into my nostrils and down my throat and windpipe, gagging me and rendering me completely helpless. It was so cold, so harsh, like slime, and when I had tried to tear it off of my face it merely attached itself to my claws and bound my talons together. I remember squirming on the ground as it enveloped me, unable to see, hear, or speak, and then everything went dark in an instant. It was the most horrible thing I had ever experienced, which was saying something.
"You alright, sweetheart? Oh, I know, you're probably hungry! Here, try some of this." She held up a piece of what looked like raw bacon and wiggled it in front of me before reaching out to remove my muzzle. In an instant, I attempted to snap at her only for pain to blossom in my forehead and my eyes to roll up in my head as I convulsed. It was like something was attempting to drill through my skull from the inside, and every breath felt empty and labored.
"Now, that didn't feel very nice, did it? This is why we have countermeasures in place because we can't trust you yet, sweetheart! Don't worry, we'll work on breaking you of all those bad behaviors and habits while you're here; after all, a well-trained pet is a happy pet!" She began to stroke the crests on my head as I slowly recovered, and she snugly fit the muzzle back onto my snout. "But I won't hold it against you this time, sweetheart; you're just scared and confused, but I'll make all the pain go away."
I struggled in the straight jacket, trying my best to break out of it, but it was no use. Eventually, I became exhausted and despondent, allowing my new caretaker to have her way with me as she gently ran her fingers through my feathers and along my ridges, quietly speaking to me in a hopeless attempt to cheer me up. She seemed genuinely concerned for my well-being, which concerned me even further: who could be this naturally twisted while attempting to be as benevolent and kindhearted as possible?
I felt the pain and terror build up in my chest, the anxiety from what horrific activities I imagined they had planned for me here. I couldn't take the infantilization, the lack of any autonomy, the dehumanization, and what I feared the most was if the rumors of 'rebirth' were true: would they take my personhood from me?
Suddenly, I felt her whisper to me. "Don't worry sweetheart, I know you're so scared and confused, but I promise you everything will be okay: it's going to be your birthday soon, and then everything will get better." She ran her fingers through the feathers along my crest lovingly. "It will be such a wonderful day, and then we'll choose for you the most wonderful family, and you'll spend the rest of your life happy in your forever home! Doesn't all of that sound wonderful?"
I wanted to die. I wanted to disappear. I didn't want to lose myself, not like this, not to these monsters!
"It'll be your birthday soon," she said wistfully as if she was remembering similar events to this in the past like I wasn't the first she'd done this too, "and you'll never be sad again."
I realized that I wasn't the first the stay in this particular cell, and I knew for certain that I wouldn't be the last: I'd end up like my brother, a broken, erased mess of a pathetic creature, reduced to nothing more than a pet for these humans to amuse themselves with.
"We took the liberty of picking out a nice name for you, sweetheart! Now, let me just slip this little programming chip into the port slot on your occipital bone, and... there we go! It will also help you calm down a bit and adjust."
I felt the chip begin to invade my mind, suppressing my thoughts. What made me me was slowly being ripped out of my mind. I couldn't remember my name my name is Bruno, and I needed to get out! I can't let them do this to me! Somebody help me! I was a good boy.
##Do not think. You are a good boy.##
I tried to scream, but my voice wouldn't work: I had trouble forming any words at all, the confusion clouding my mind like wet, slimy eels curling around my brain and sinking their teeth into its folds like needles. I couldn’t scream any longer, because I had nothing left: the chip was slowly beginning to take everything from me, robbing me of my identity and branding a new one into my psyche with a white-hot iron. Julie simply held me close, attempting to reassure me as I awaited the inevitable demise of my personhood. Soon I would be just like my brother: erased. My mind would be shaped into the mind of a loyal plaything, like a Dog.
##Relax. Allow caretaker [Julie] to comfort you. You will let go of your burden.##
Soon, everything was a blur. I quickly found myself resting my head in her lap as she whispered to me and fed me, my eyes bleary and my head fuzzy. I couldn't remember my name anymore My name was Bruno, and I needed to break free from this trance relax, and allow her to help me; good boys didn't resist help.
##Good Boy. Do not think. You are a good boy.##
You can't... I...
##Good boy.##
I wouldn't… good boys don't… I…
##Good boy##
I was a good boy… I was a good boy…
I was… I was… a good… boy…
Someone help me, please! I don't want to be erased!
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The following script is from episode #343 of Halcyon After Dark, a popular late-night and current events talk show hosted by Melinda Carter. This specific episode was sponsored in part by the Halcyon Security Division, with Director Lochlin O'Brien joining as a guest star to talk about the changing crime statistics in Halcyon City and the HSD's recent successes in busting organized crime as well as their plans for addressing the growing criminal underworld.
MC: Good evening Halcyon! I'm your host, Melinda Carter, and you're watching Halcyon's most popular late-night talk show, Halcyon After Dark!
The crowd claps and cheers as Melinda walks on stage and sits behind her desk, her glittering red dress waving as she does so from the special effects.
MC: Tonight we have a very special guest here to tell us about the state of crime in the city and his plans on resolving it: please put your hands together for the HSD's very own Director, Lochlin O'Brien!
The crowd cheers some more as HSD Director Lochlan O'Brien, a tall, muscular, caucasian male in his early forties with red hair and a well-trimmed beard steps into the room, waving at the crowd with a bright smile. He sits in the armchair angled next to Melinda's desk and gives her his full attention.
MC: It's so good to have you on the show, Director! Tell me, how are you doing on this fine evening?
LO: I'm doing excellent, Melinda: every day I wake up feeling fulfilled knowing I'm serving Halcyon to the best of my abilities and then some."
MC: That's the spirit, Director! Now, I know this question is just on everyone's lips, so I have to ask: how successful was the recent gang bust? I heard HSD forces took out dozens of gang members and liberated at least a dozen Russu Hounds from their abusive clutches, but I know that everyone in the audience and at home wants to know the numbers.
LO: I'd be glad to tell you, but I do have to preface this by saying that we still lost a lot of good officers that day, and while we did strike a crippling blow to one of Halcyon's biggest gangs, it doesn't change the fact that each death is a tragedy, and we're taking steps to prevent them in the future. That being said, those valiant officers did not sacrifice themselves in vain: we had over a dozen confirmed kills and several arrests, including the rescue of several corrupted Russu hounds.
MC: That's excellent, Director: proof that even when the number of degenerates and scum grow by the day, the HSD will always be here to keep the citizens of Halcyon safe.
LO: Absolutely, Melinda, and we're always working tirelessly to increase the efficiency and effectiveness of our units, as well as racing to stay several steps ahead of the many gangs of Halcyon at all times. My newest goal as Director is to vastly increase the funding given to our Robotics Department and our Neuro-Warfare Department to potentially reduce the number of casualties we may experience in the future, as well as to quickly and effectively detain, and if necessary, eliminate criminals. Within the next decade, I want to double the number of automated units each Security Platoon is assigned: droids are the future of public safety as well as countless other industries, and it would be foolish to be left behind.
MC: That is quite a lofty goal, Director: what about the displaced jobs from the increased automation? What will the union say?
LO: And to that, I say: what misplaced jobs? We aren't replacing our honored and beloved service members with droids, Melinda, we are simply supplementing our units with more droids to ensure that future gang assaults end with fewer HSD casualties and more gang members in prison or eliminated, simple as that.
MC: That makes much more sense, Director, thanks for clarifying. Now, I have one more question that I'm sure much of Halcyon wants to know the answer to before we take a short break: what plans do you and your fellow directors have to make long-term progress in reducing crime beyond just increasing funding? Have you proposed any plans to strike at the source of where crime and degeneracy flourish?
OL: That's an excellent question, and one I am proud to answer: my constituents and I have been working tirelessly on a two-step plan to greatly reduce crime levels in Halcyon. Step one would be to prevent people from becoming criminals and degenerates at all in the first place: a lot of young men and women, but especially young men, have lost either one or both parents or even a sibling, aunt or uncle, or even a close friend by the brutality of the Second Authority War, and while the service of their lost loved ones will always be recognized and honored, many of these young men and women are left bitter, angry and lost without the guidance these people give them in their lives. Oftentimes they seek to fill that void with others who claim to relate to them: career criminals. These criminals will fill their heads with lies and false narratives to make them feel like they're fighting back against the 'evil protectorate government' that took their loved ones from them by sending them off to war when in reality it was the rogue Xenopets of the Triarchy that took them away by resisting their just and inevitable unburdening.
In response, I have proposed a slew of special programs that will make sure local law enforcement and HSD officers are present and contributing to their local community, and we'll be providing easy and light job openings for youngsters and teens looking to make a career for themselves in the force when they grow up. We want to let these lost souls know that there are people who care about them, people who understand them and that you shouldn't turn to degeneracy to feel fulfilled. We want to help the youth of our great society soar to new heights!
MC: That sounds like a wonderful beginning to your plan, Director, but what about the second step?
LO: Well, the second step is to prevent criminals and degenerates from becoming repeat criminals. Sure, they've made their mistakes, some worse than others, but they're only human like the rest of us. Some of them have been through hell: some are traumatized veterans who don't know how to adapt to normal life, others were recruited when they were young and don't know that there's a better way to live, and even more are mentally ill. We're alone in this galaxy, and we can't leave so many people behind. That's why we've come up with an excellent solution: we've set up isolated communities on distant moons and frontier planets where these criminals can be reeducated, rehabilitated, and allowed to repay their debt to society. When they're deemed 'reformed' and have graduated from our program, they'll be granted a hefty stipend and their criminal record will be deemed irrelevant, allowing them to reintegrate and become functioning members of our proud society.
MC: all of these sound like incredible steps forward in the fight to better our society and make real progress, Director. Sadly, we do have to step away for a moment, but you best believe I'll be back, Halcyon, and we'll be asking the Director here some burning questions about allegations over the quality of life Erubus Supermax! Now, a word from our sponsors!
Halcyon Xenopet-Megaplex! Everything your xenopet could ever need in one place! Adoption is now free-
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Good, you’re still alive! The rest of this shard appears to be corrupted, which means this particular trail seems to have run cold here, but do not despair; you need to keep searching. Find out what happened. Find the truth.I cannot guide you any longer: they've already found me, and if I remain in contact with you they'll find you as well. Take the archival database, and see what you can piece together. Maybe if we discover what truly happened we can put an end to this madness once and for all. I'm counting on you. Don't cry for me, I don't fear death, but I fear what they'll do to me to get to you: there are far worse fates than death, after all.

I am a 34f. And I have never had a boyfriend or girlfriend. (I find all attractive) I have had one night stands, and sex without strings a few times. But I can never seem to find someone who wants to stay or when I find someone attractive and flirt and ask them to get coffee or lunch it never goes anywhere?
I am a mid size girl, but by no means am I what one would consider plus size, I take care of my appearance (where flattering clothing, make up done lightly and have my hair done) so I feel like I look rather good.(been told I’m very pretty in multiple accounts) I graduated with my Masters of Science and have my own side business (I’m a freelance designer) so I do not believe I lack intelligence.
I just don’t know what to do. I feel at a loss, Dating apps never work as everyone I have thought to pursue ends up only seeing me as a one night stand or “friendship material “. Friends have set me up and those don’t ever go anywhere.
I am someone who has always wanted a family, and to be a mom. I almost feel like my time is ticking away the closer I am to 40 and I am terrified I will never find “my person”.
I just don’t know what to do? I’m at my wits end. I almost feel like something is wrong with me. Any advice out there? Or words to keep my head up? Because I’m starting to feel like I’m a huge wookie or something.

Our household has been running a Breville Barista Express for about 8 years now and for the last couple of years I have had an itch to upgrade...not because the Barista Express is bad, more I felt it was time to move on.
In dreamland I settled on the Lelit Bianca V3 because of price for a dual boiler and as well as the group head with flow control to try differe things down the track. There is a lot on the market and I'm sure people will agree and disagree on my decision there, but it was where I settled after extensive reading and looking at what's out there.
This week my wife surprised me with one for my birthday, and I wanted to share some things here.
First off the machine is great! I would recommend it to anyone looking for a level up in that price range. Do look for a good deal though as you can save a fair whack from list price of you shop around. I am not disappointed at all with it.
Now the keen observer here will say what aovit the grinder though, the Barista Express has one built in...well...this is where we get into the thick of it.
For the first couple of days we didn't have one, and while I was one for sorting a grinder out my wife was insistent we could use...the Thermomix...
Don't...even if...just don't. Don't even try to save a marriage to agree there, the inconsistency with blending is not even worth considering and if you do be prepared to understand what bad coffee tastes like. With that said you learn a lot about a machine and coffee grinds in the process.
I got some fresh ground coffee day 3 as shops were open and the difference was amazing.
So then came the juggle, I was looking at a vs3, then at an AllGround (mostly because of price there as it was heavily discounted). In the scheme of things I felt the AllGround was overkill with a touch screen and I didn't love the look. But then we were offered a DS64 at a good price so settled there.
Four days in it arrives and we're brewing. The difference is like comparing a Budweiser to a decent microbrewery...some people wouldn't know or care...but if you know, you know.
Now after spending a bit of time dialing it in, that first afternoon I got a nice decent espresso out and was happy. Overnight I was excited for that first coffee in the morning...
Day 5 5am start with kids waking up was barely a concen as we were making coffee.
Measured it out... set it up...muddy water came out.
I was shattered. I looked at the dials, nothing changed, tracked through the process carefully several times...different pics, different times, redialed in the coffee and then went to brew it again and it wasn't working. I would dial it in and then the a coffee or two later after that was shit...
I spent an hour searching through the process to conclude it was the scales. The bloody scales had a tendency to just measure incorrectly, and inconsistently.
So I carefully resorted to double checking and even triple checking the measurements before grinding...and bam...we were on track.
Day 7 now and we're still on track. While I need to give the scales a floatation test at some stage (in that they need to go) it's all I have for the moment and I'm making do with them.
In all I don't regret the process and while I'm making coffee now with decent flavour and head, I'm sure it can be better and it's a week so no pressure for a first machine after upgrading.
At the moment, though it's consistent, and better than what we were getting with the Barista (not that it was bad).
The biggest takeaways here are when upgrading it's different but take it as a challenge. If it goes bad go back to basics.
And most of all...a grinder makes as much bloody difference. I know you know...but really...don't even...not even to save a marriage (buying a grinder after a couple of bad coffees will do that anyway).
Enjoy the brew...try new things and a bad coffee still has things you can take away.