Introduction
Muslims believe the Quran, the holy book of Islam itself is not just a religious book for guidance but also the literal word of god i.e. Allah itself. In everyday conversations, you will hear Muslims call it Kalamullah (Word of God), not in the Christian sense where the Word is Jesus and God but actual sayings, sentences, and words uttered by god himself and compiled into a single book by human hands. While Muslims are proud of their holy book being the literal words of god sent down to all of mankind, there are a few problems with that mainly concerning Islam's doctrinal theology and its core beliefs.
Disclaimer and Notes
Now, before I start, a disclaimer. The issue of the Quran being god's word or not has been one of the most pretentious and divided issues in the Muslim community. Because of this issue, multiple sects (considered deviant and heretical today) popped up in the early years of Islam's history leading to multiple debates, condemnations, and even inquisitions for those that were against the majority-held view in history. So to make it easy considering Islam has tons of historical sects, all of whom held widely different views than modern-day Islam when it comes to the Quran's states as the word of god (or not), this post is aimed at Ashari, Maturidi and Ahlul Hadith/Athari aqeedah sects who make up the majority of Muslims today, collectively considered to be under the umbrella of Ahlul Sunnah Wal Jema'ah (Literally meaning "The People of the Prophet's Tradition and Consensus" or to make it easier to understand "The Followers of the Prophet's Teachings and the Righteous Community"). This term is commonly understood in Islam as those who follow the true and righteous path in Islam which according to the hadiths, out of 73 deviant sects, only 1 (the above I already mention) will be on the correct spiritual path.
Why do I say this problem is akin to the Trinity problem in Christianity? Both are key problems that form the basis of the entire religion, not just for an individual believer but also for the scholars who dabble in religious sciences. Both the Quran and Trinity make up the core fundamental teachings upon which other teachings are established and expanded further. Without these key concepts, the entire premise of both religions (Islam and Christianity) would fall apart within a matter of seconds. Both issues are also hotly debated even to this day. As I mentioned before, the issue of the Quran's creation or non-creation was an important issue that occupied the minds of early-century Muslim scholars and thinkers, to the point schisms and breakaways from the main branch started to emerge. The same thing happened in Christianity with the Trinity which led to excommunication, the Arian controversy, and multiple individual distinct sects, all of whom have a different understanding of what the Trinity is.
Last, I would also like to mention that considering the Trinity has been severely criticized by non-Christians alike as proof of Christianity's falsehood and internal contradictions, then the same should be said with Islam's problem of the Quran's status. However, unlike in Islam, Christianity continued to debate up to the present day and even adopted Greek philosophical concepts to better explain away the Trinity and the relationship between each Divine Person of the Trinity. In Islam, the opposite occurred. Those who used Greek philosophy and rhetoric were condemned as either falling into falsehood or corrupting the religion by introducing pagan concepts. Ironically, the most condemned bunch of the Muslim sects I'll talk about below, the Mutazilites were the ones who most used philosophy which led to their rejection of the Quran's non-createdness.
Due to the decline of the Mutazilite sect, the rise of more conservative movements, and the criticism of Aristotelian philosophical ideas by Al-Ghazali (Note, he wasn't against philosophy, he was against philosophical ideas that went against Islam like the eternity of the world and denying bodily resurrection in the afterlife), theological discussions and debates surrounding the question faded away. Even now, most Muslims consider the issue "solved" and simply adopt one of the three main positions. Unsurprisingly, while the West and Christianity continued adopting new ideas, this means the Muslim positions lacked much substance and arguments seen in Christianity with Greek and Neo-Platonist ideas which in turn, means there are tons of problems with their positions, (which is the whole point of the post)
Now, with that out of the way, let's begin.
How Have Muslims Historically Responded to this Problem?
There are two answers to the question of the Quran's status. One, to affirm that it is the literal word of god from Allah Himself which existed with him since eternity or to affirm it is a created being just like every other creature and human planet earth. The second view doesn't mean that the Quran is simply the work of man, quite the opposite. Rather, it posits that the Quran still holds religious significance as Islam's holy book and is still the Word of God but it was created at a later time by God, not existing eternally with god before the creation of everything. In the second view, the Quran still holds religious significance for praying, guidance, and the basis for Islam, only that it is of a lower status than god himself, being a creation of god that was created at a certain time.
The second view is considered invalid and rejected by all major sects of Islam in the modern era (Ashari, Maturidi, Athari) as a heretical belief that the Mutazilites (The Withdrawers) held. I'm not going to go into who they are, what is their history, or what are their beliefs (you can google it yourself). Just know these are the guys who believe the Quran was a creation of god and were condemned by pretty much every Islamic group and sect from their beginning all the way up to the present modern day. This is one the only issues where every Islamic sect agrees with each other in condemning this belief, be it Ashari, Maturidi, or Athari. Thus, the second option then is 100% of the table for most Muslims, unless they want to affirm holding beliefs of a heretical group that died out 1000 years ago. I don't think any Muslim will dare to affirm Mutazilite beliefs for fear of ridicule and committing major sins, so there's much here to discuss. For the sake of brevity, I will address the second view since the one even Muslims will deny and reject. After that, I'll address the Second View.
The Second View
But for the sake of argument, I'll assume some rare brave Mutazilite Muslim wants to give it a try. Now, here are some of my questions for you. If the Quran is a creation of god and not the literal Word of God before time immemorial, what is the Quran's relationship with god? You believe these are still words from Allah that help mankind to arrive at the truth and Islam yet at the same you also believe that these were created at a time later than god. How can something that is both speech from god and also created by god himself exist simultaneously at the same time? Anything that is created at a later time means it's a creation, a contingent object that depends on an external creator. It can't be part of god because god is eternal, atemporal, necessary, and independent of everything and anything. If it were god or contained some part of god inside of it, then this is no different than Jesus and the Son of God in Christianity where it contains both a human and godly nature, so does that mean you now believe the Quran to be both god and creation? Just like the Christians who you condemn as a false corrupted religion? This is the First Problem you must face, that be affirming it is both from god and not god, you are throwing yourself into the same pit as Christianity with a dual nature which is already a false religion. I like to call people who affirm this stance "Dualists".
The Second Problem "dualists" face is that this nullifies the Quran's honorific status in Islam, which goes against what the majority of the Muslim world believes in. For Dualists, what is the Quran's honorific and spiritual status in Islam now? We've all seen Muslim riots and protests against the burning or stepping on the Quran by non-Muslims around the world. A man burns or rips up the Quran and the entire Muslim world goes into a frenzy. In Islam, simply placing the Quran on the floor is considered disrespectful and sinful. In the majority of sects today, the Quran must be honored and respected 24/7 partly due to the fact Muslims believe it to be the literal Word. But for Dualists, what is your stance and reason for continuing to respect the Quran? Considering you no longer believe the Quran to be the actual Word, can non-Muslims now vandalize, rip apart, step on, or place the Quran on the floor?? Would you have any problem with it? It's no longer the Word itself but a creation of god. Sure, you might ask others to "respect other religions and beliefs" but aside from this, what else do you have?? Is simply putting a religious book on the floor disrespecting other religions? What makes your holy book now any different from the Jewish and Christian perspectives on their religious books? They don't go into a frenzy every time Bibles are burned or disrespected. Will you do the same thing?
The Third Problem since it's a created thing, wouldn't this also mean that at some point in the future, the Quran no longer exists? That the Quran is finite and will at some point cease to exist? Wouldn't this mean at some point, Islam itself becomes useless because the number one source for everything, the Quran no longer exists? The Quran will cease to exist if it were created, when it happens, will the meaning of the verses and Muslim understanding built up over the centuries also cease to exist? Tafsirs, Fiqh, and Tajwid all suddenly become useless and void of any meaning because the backbone of Islam, the Quran no longer exists. What about the Muslim understanding of what Allah is? Isn't that detrimental should the Quran cease to exist? The best outcome is that Muslims still retain the knowledge but Islam becomes spineless without a religious book and the worst outcome is the complete disintegration of Islam as everything built upon the Quran, now becomes useless. It would mean the complete death of Islam as a major Abrahamic religion.
Next, what about during the Hour, when everything in the heavens and on the Earth will be destroyed and no longer exist? Muslims believe that when the Hour arrives, everything will be destroyed. Every human, child, animal, plant, planet, universe, devil, and angel will die inevitably. Only god remains. Due to this, according to Dualists, will the Quran experience the same fate? All of its verses and Surahs destroyed by god himself. Now I know Muslims, even those of other sects believe the Quran will disappear bit by bit before the Hour as a sign of the impending doom and apocalypse. However, other Muslims believe that yes, the Quran will disappear but the verses themselves remain preserved with god i.e. Allah since these are the literal words of god himself. In a sense, the verses suddenly don't exist, they return back to god.
TLDR, the Dualist Mutazilite view implies a contradiction where the Quran is both God and not God at the same time, it nullifies the Quran's holy status and the divine meaning of the verses, and last, it means the Quran is finite and will cease to exist at some point in the future.
Now, onto the Ashari, Maturidi and Athari sects,
The First View (The Majority)
These three are the most prominent and widely held doctrinal sects in the current Muslim population. I will be splitting the next sections into two sections, Ashari-Maturidi (since both are quite similar and considered a single unified school of thought by Muslim scholars) and the Athari school.
Ashari-Maturidi
The Asharis and Maturidis believe the Quran and its verses to be the literal Word of God itself, with Allah since eternity before time however they believe the book form of the Quran (mushaf), the one which every Muslim holds and reads is of man-made origin. In other words, the verses, sentences, letters, and meaning of the text are from god himself while the cover, paper, ink, writing, and publishing are from mankind. The Ash'ari creed makes a point of difference between the content of the Quran and the physical manifestation of it (in speech or as pages in a book).
The Main Problem with this argument as said by Atharis and Mutazilites is that this strips the Quran of its spiritual and holy essence in Islam. If the real divine aspect of the Quran that came from god itself are the verses and meaning of it only, then should we burn every last Quran in the world, it wouldn't be a problem. After all, the divine part still exists as it is from and with god himself, only the earthly worldly portions of it get destroyed. Why's that a problem? I mean what is the problem spiritually concerning Islam's doctrinal theology itself? What's the problem with destroying the cover or vandalizing the writing of it? It's not from god, it's man-made. The effect of this would be enormous.
This means now non-Muslims and Islamaphobes can now burn, rip, tear apart, step on, vandalize, and desecrate the Quran because they are only destroying the part that is not divine. Would Asharis or Maturidis agree to this? Is now destroying the Quran not a major sin but actually allowed? The true essence of the Quran i.e. the part that is truly divine remains preserved and exists since humans were created and will continue to exist long after everything has died and withered away. The vandalization and desecration of it does not affect the Quran because the true divine verses and meaning remain preserved. This problem is similar to the Second Problem with the Mutazilite belief, it nullifies and strips away the Quran's holy status and honorific place among the Muslim community. If it isn't truly god's divine word, what's the problem if it gets destroyed, wet, or burned?
Heck, I've heard this same argument from other sects, claiming and accusing the Ashari are just Mutazilites in disguise because their main stance of the Quran's identity revolves back to the Mutazilite position where the Quran is a creation of god. One of the main accusations against the Ashari sect is that it's just a rehash version of Mutazilite or Jahmiyyah theology (I don't have time to explain what this is right now, better if you look it up yourselves) due to similarities in doctrine and also because Imam Ashari, the founder was once a Mutazilite himself (not helping the Ashari case) but Asharis claim he renounced all Mutazilite theology and returned back to the true correct path. In this case, should the objection above against the Ashari-Maturidi position succeed, then it would help critics a lot against Asharism.
The Second Problem with holding the Ashari position is that this resembles the idolatry of Hinduism and Paganism or at least, is slipping into idolatry practice. If they claim the Speech of God is contained within the letters, pages, and ink of the Mushaf (the Quran's Uthmanic standardized codex), then how dare they believe the actions of humans can absorb and physicalize the Sacred Divine Speech of God, for Muslims believe god can never be limited by His creatures. This would also mean they believe the ink written on the Quran's pages is a physical intermediary, designed to encapsulate the Speech of God into a physical form, no different than the idols of Hindus and Pagans who believe their idols to be an intermediary or a worldly representation of the True Divine Nature.
Hindus don't claim they worship idols, rather they believe them to be ways to spiritually connect with the divine as a locus for prayer just like how Muslims consider the Kaaba as the direction for prayer, not an idol for worship or as a reminder for believers of the faith similar to how a photo of a spiritual leader is a sign of respect and a daily reminder every-day when you wake up. How is this different than believing the ink inside the Quran holds the truth or emulates the Divine Nature from the Ashari claim? Ashari Muslims affirm the Quran is still the Word of God just represented through a physical form, so how is this not idolatry? Believing that a physical human-made physical manifestation holds the Divine Speech so that followers of Islam can get closer to god?
This would be even worse than the Mutazilites, for committing idolatry whether intentionally or not is a major grave sin in Islam, to the point those that who commit it and do not repent back are considered as Kafir (infidels). If even they aren't committing idolatry and shirk (polytheism), another major sin in Islam, then at the very least, they believe that a divine part of God can be captured inside the ink and pen of writers as if they the Speech of God and the ink become one and the same, another reference to the Christian belief of God having both a Divine and Human Nature. Of course, Muslims and Ashari Muslims consider this to be heretical and blasphemous, but what's the difference between believing the Quran is both man-made and divine versus the Christological belief of Jesus being both God and Man?
The Third Problem with the Ashari answer that the Quran itself is created while the Speech of God isn't is where is the Speech of God then? Asharis can't answer that it is still in heaven for they also believe the Mushaf or Quran contains the Word and Speech of God. If they believe that it is still in heaven with god and not on earth, then what are they even reading every day? Clearly not the Speech of God if they claim it isn't with us now, perhaps an imperfect human copy of the divine Speech of God but that would mean the Quran is imperfect and the work of man, which would be affirming the Mutazilite position. So they can't claim it is both in the heavens and on the earth nor claim it is either in the heavens only or on the earth with mankind only.
I already explained they also can't say the Speech of God is contained inside the ink and letters of the Quran for that means the Divine Speech has become limited because of it. God in Islam can never be limited, nor can His creatures limit god. So if isn't option A, B, or C, where is the Holy Sacred Speech of God then? The Speech which is supposed to be the principle guiding force for all of mankind especially, Muslims. How can Asharis then claim they believe in the Quran as the revelation and Word of God sent down to Muhammad if they can't tell us where in their holy book, is the Speech of God itself? At worst, this means the Ashari belief entails the Quran isn't holy or divine thus eliminating Islam's entire main source and one of the 6 pillars of Iman (faith), and at best, reading the Quran isn't a holy act nor can be used as a book for guidance, for Muslims aren't reading the Word of God then. They are reading an imperfect fallible man-made copy of the Speech of God, not the true Divine Inspiration from Allah.
TLDR, the Ashari-Maturidi middle path that the Quran was uncreated and eternal, yet its ink and paper, individual letters and words were created strips the Quran has multiple problems, some may even go against what Islam stands for. It strips the Quran of its Divine Sacred Essence as the Word of God, at worse it may lead to shirk and idolatry akin to the Hindus and Pagans, and at best, Asharis can't point to us where the Word and Speech of God is in the Quran.
Athari/Ahlul Hadith
Now for the Atharis, they are strict literalists who believe the Quran and Allah's Speech both are uncreated unlike the Asharis/Maturidis who adopt a middle path, or the Mutazilite who outright claim the Quran was created, the extreme position.
The First Problem with the Athari position is pretty clear, if the Quran is the literal Word of God completely, then does that mean what Muslims are holding is a literal piece of God here on earth in the moral realm? Does that mean god is with us all the time? How can god, who Muslims consider as being transcendent be here on earth with mankind? If the Quran is the literal physical Speech of God and not just metaphorically or analogically, then does this mean the Speech of God exists on Earth? How can god be here on Earth? The Atharis believe literally that the Quran is the Speech of God, so unless they claim the Speech of God suddenly transformed into a physical object (which I'll address below), the Quran would be a god or at least have a piece of the divine essence of Allah.
This is no different than the Christian position where there exists a God in heaven and a God on Earth at the same time. As I already mentioned, Muslims consider the Christian position of a god on earth unacceptable yet when we look at their own views, we find (in the Athari case) a piece of god exists on earth. Allah still exists in the heavens, yet the Speech of God exists here in the Quran. Let's not even get into the issue of a transcendent god existing in the mortal physical realm, where the laws of physics govern meaning god would be limited in some capacity (which most Muslims would see as ridiculous)
The Second Problem is the relationship between the Quran (God's Speech) and God himself. Considering the Quran was revealed to Muhammad and sent down by Gabriel, how should we understand the Speech of God is here now? Do Atharis believe that the Speech of God suddenly separated from the main body when the Quran was revealed and sent down to earth? Or do Atharis believe the Quran is still the undivided Speech of God, in which case a part of god is literally on earth?
Or what about when the Quran was compiled in book form starting with Abu Bakr's reign and ending with Uthman's standardization? Should we take this to mean now not only does the Speech of God literally exist on earth but the Speech of God now has taken shape, molded into letters and words while compiled into a book equipped with paper pages and covers from front to back? If they want to deny these are from god i.e. the physical cover is man-made, then they would be subscribing to the Ashari-Maturidi doctrine of the middle path (which I already showed also has problems). If they want to take the other path and claim the Quran we have now is not the Word of God literally, then they would be subscribing to the heretical Mutazilite position which also, has tons of religious and doctrinal problems.
TLDR, the Athari literalist position invites more harm than good when it comes to answering the question of the Quran's uncreated nature. It would mean god is literally on earth, or a piece of god's divine essence is. Affirming that a piece of the Divine Essence exists here on earth with mankind would be something similar to the Christian belief that god exists both in the heavens and on earth (Father and Son). Other than that, it would also complicate the relationship between the Quran and God even more. If the Quran is the literal Word and Speech of God, how do Atharis explain the Quran's standardization into a single written book with ink, paper, and covers? Does it mean the Speech of God underwent a physical transformation?
Consequences
Islam posits the Quran to be the Word of God from Allah Himself, however how exactly does that work leads to massive problems within Islam's doctrinal framework. Muslims can't state the Quran is the true literal Speech of God otherwise they would be committing a blasphemous act by believing god is literally on earth with us at this very moment. They also can't deny it is the Speech of God for Islam considers the Quran to be the perfect Kalamullah (literally the Word of God). It is one of the core tenets of belief that Muslims believe the Quran to be the actual Words of God sent down to Muhammad as the last revelation. They also can't adopt a middle path like the Asharis-Maturidis because I've already shown that this just leaves the Quran inside a grey area, it's both the Word of God and also not the Word of God at the same time. Other problems are also relevant which I've already discussed above. Either the middle approach collapses into itself, becoming either one the extreme views, literal divine affirmation like the Atharis, or the extreme divine nullification like the Mutazilites.
Other religions don't have this problem. They do not believe Jesus or Moses were gifted the actual literal Words and Speech of God which existed since time immemorial. Christians believe the Bible was divinely authored by the Apostles of Jesus, where the Holy Spirit guides the writers of the Bible into writing down the true teachings of Jesus and Christianity. Christians don't believe the Bible's passages are the literal Speech of God which has existed with the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit as if affirming the Bible was also another Divine Person of the Trinity. No, only Muslims as far as I know affirm both their Holy Book contains the Speech of God which both exists on Earth and also with God up in heaven but that leaves them in a contradiction of whether to affirm the Quran is God Himself on Earth or the true Words of God are still up in heaven. After all, how can the Divine Nature which is uncorrupted and perfect exist in a world not perfect, but actually filled with sin, corruption, and spiritual pollution?
In the end, Muslims face a dilemma with regard to the Quran's Holy and Divine Nature. This a dilemma which after going through all the possible Muslim answers that have been given over the years, still fails to give us a proper satisfying answer.
Conclusion
All the responses and viewpoints of the major Islamic sects fail to answer the question, of whether the Quran is created or not. They tried to square a circle by trying to find a balance between affirming the Quran is the divine Word of God while at the same time not falling into a literalist interpretation where god is on Earth (as the Atharis do). However, all responses so far have failed to properly find the right solution, all either fall into extremities at both ends of the spectrum (Mutazilite and Athari) or tried to strike a balance, but only managed to kick the can down the road even further.
If Christianity has the Problem of the Trinity, a major fundamental question that still has philosophers and theologians scratching their heads trying to find an answer, then the Problem of the Quran's Nature is the Islamic version of it. The difference is while Christians continue to debate and argue about the Trinity's true nature, Muslim and Islamic scholars have relatively abandoned the debate, choosing to hold either one of the three major schools of thought. My personal opinion is this is an unfortunate situation, ever since the decline of philosophy in Islamic thought, Kalam and Falsafah (Islamic philosophy) have gained a bad reputation amongst Muslims as being a "gateway to blasphemy". Rarely you will find Muslim scholars in the modern era debate about this, let alone teach laymen Muslims about these topics.
At the very least, I hope my post can inspire future Muslims to look into this topic further, creating new fascinating answers and arguments that contribute to the Muslim and non-Muslim understanding of what Allah is in Islam.

For the sheer fun of it, I went to Chat GPT with a creative writing assignment. For Figures of Speech prompts, I gave a free parameters, including the word length of 500-1000 words and the prompts for a few of the Fifty mentioned in the series.
I gave the AI creative license and let's just say, they're a long way off from replacing the better writers and I think it just makes it easier to do those lower level tasks and let's leave the creators a slightly higher level of skill to create actual tangible and engaging writing.
But here you go... hilarious how stuck it gets on certain terms and definitions.
These are in no particular order... separated by emojis that are totally unrelated to the storyline.
🫱🫱🫱🫱🫱🫱🫱🫱🫲🫲🫲🫲🫲🫲🫲🫲 Response to Prompt 4: Understatement
In the quaint town of Brooksville, where the extraordinary was often met with an indifferent shrug, something truly remarkable occurred. The residents, sipping coffee at the local diner or strolling along the cobblestone streets, would describe it as just another peculiar day. Little did they know that beneath the surface of their nonchalant existence, a cosmic event unfolded.
The morning sun cast its usual warm glow on Brooksville, with birds chirping in the background, creating an illusion of normalcy. However, the anomaly had already begun. Mrs. Higgins, the elderly librarian, dismissed it as a minor inconvenience, merely a glitch in the library's ancient computer system. Yet, every book cataloged within those ancient shelves had transformed into a portal, connecting readers to parallel universes with every turn of a page.
As I, a humble journalist for the local paper, stumbled upon this revelation, I couldn't help but marvel at the town's response—or lack thereof. "The library's having a bit of a moment," was the most anyone would acknowledge. It seemed the whole town collectively decided that this was, at most, a quirky hiccup.
For a thousand words, I delved into the understated reactions of the townsfolk, each encounter with a parallel universe bringing its own blend of confusion and nonchalance. As the portals expanded, revealing fantastical landscapes and alternate versions of Brooksville, the citizens maintained an impressive level of calm, as if interdimensional travel was a routine part of their daily lives.
The plot thickened when I discovered that the portals were a result of a mysterious artifact hidden within the library's archives. The mayor, sipping his coffee, remarked, "Well, that explains the strange noises in the basement." It became evident that the understatement of the situation was a defense mechanism, shielding the town from the cosmic chaos unfolding. 🎁🎁🎁🎁🎁🎁🎁🎁🎁🎁🎁🎁🎁🎁 Response to Prompt 12: Juxtaposition
In the bustling metropolis of Neon City, skyscrapers touched the heavens, their dazzling lights reflecting off the sleek surfaces of futuristic cars. Yet, nestled within this urban jungle, an ancient relic stood defiantly—the Old Grove Park.
As I strolled through the city's concrete arteries, the juxtaposition between the modernity of Neon City and the timeless serenity of the park became increasingly apparent. The cacophony of traffic was replaced by the rustling of leaves and the distant laughter of children playing.
The central conflict emerged when the city council, embodying the epitome of order, proposed transforming the park into a technologically advanced hub. The juxtaposition intensified as architects discussed plans for holographic playgrounds and virtual reality gardens within the confines of the Old Grove Park.
Through a thousand words, I explored the clash of ideals, the struggle between progress and preservation. The ancient trees became silent witnesses to heated debates at town hall meetings, where environmentalists and tech enthusiasts engaged in a battle of words. The juxtaposition of the towering skyscrapers against the gnarled branches of the park's oldest tree mirrored the tension in Neon City's collective conscience. 😫😫😫😫😫😫😫😫😫😫😫😫😫😫 Response to Prompt 31: Epanalepsis
"What is the meaning of life?" The question echoed in my mind, a relentless epanalepsis that demanded exploration. As I embarked on this freewriting journey, the repetition of the existential inquiry became the rhythm of my introspection.
For a thousand words, I delved into the varied perspectives of individuals wrestling with the ultimate question. From philosophers contemplating the intricacies of existence to everyday people seeking purpose in mundane routines, the epanalepsis served as a constant reminder of the universal quest for meaning.
The narrative weaved through different characters and their unique experiences, creating a tapestry of reflections that echoed the complexities of human existence. The repetitive structure became a literary heartbeat, pulsating with the shared yearning for understanding amid the chaotic symphony of life. 🪔🪔🪔🪔🪔🪔🪔🪔🪔🪔🪔🪔🪔 Response to Prompt 27: Symbolism
In the quaint town of Willowbrook, the arrival of a single dove carried profound significance. Its graceful descent into the town square was a symbol, an omen that whispered of impending change. As a budding novelist with a penchant for symbolism, I couldn't resist exploring the layers of meaning embedded in this seemingly mundane event.
For a thousand words, I dissected the impact of the dove on the lives of Willowbrook's residents. The mayor saw it as a sign of prosperity, the local florist interpreted it as a call for unity, and the elderly storyteller regarded it as a harbinger of forgotten tales. The dove's symbolism rippled through the town, influencing decisions and shaping destinies.
As the story unfolded, I traced the journey of the dove's symbolism, following its subtle influence on characters and events. The once quaint town underwent a transformative metamorphosis, and the symbolism of the dove became a thread that wove through the narrative, connecting disparate lives in unexpected ways. 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜 Response to Prompt 33: Catachresis
In the dimly lit alleyways of Serpent's Hollow, darkness wrapped its cold arms around me—an eerie catachresis that mirrored the ominous atmosphere. The assignment was to explore the underbelly of the city, and as a novice reporter, I found myself navigating the labyrinth of deceit and shadows.
For a thousand words, I delved into the catachresis-infused descriptions of the characters populating Serpent's Hollow. The crime lord, known as the Velvet Serpent, ruled the district with a velvet-gloved fist. His lair, a dilapidated mansion, exuded an air of faded grandeur that served as a catachresis for the empire he once commanded.
As I chronicled the criminal underworld, the catachresis became a literary tool to convey the complexity and decay inherent in Serpent's Hollow. The labyrinthine plots, the twisted allegiances, and the morally ambiguous characters all found expression through catachresis, painting a vivid picture of a city where metaphor and reality intertwined. 🧑‍🔧🧑‍🔧🧑‍🔧🧑‍🔧🧑‍🔧🧑‍🔧🧑‍🔧🧑‍🔧🧑‍🔧🧑‍🔧🧑‍🔧🧑‍🔧🧑‍🔧 Response to Prompt 43: Epizeuxis
"Never, never, never give up." The words echoed in my mind, a relentless epizeuxis that fueled the protagonist's journey against insurmountable odds. In the dystopian world I crafted, where hope was a rare commodity, the power of repetition became a beacon of resilience.
For a thousand words, I immersed myself in the protagonist's struggle, exploring the emotional depth of the epizeuxis as a mantra against despair. Each iteration of the phrase became a battle cry, a whispered promise that carried the weight of a shattered world on its shoulders.
As the narrative unfolded, the epizeuxis became a driving force, propelling the protagonist through a landscape of desolation and uncertainty. The repetition served as a reminder that, in the face of adversity, the strength to persist often lies in the relentless echo of one's own determination.
Response to Prompt 50: Acrostic
As the final rays of the setting sun painted the sky in hues of orange and pink, I found myself at the edge of the cliff overlooking the vast expanse of the ocean. The salty breeze carried whispers of a story, and with every breath, I embraced the challenge of crafting an acrostic that encapsulated the essence of my journey.
For a thousand words, I embarked on a reflective exploration, utilizing the initial letters of key words to weave a tapestry of emotions, experiences, and revelations. Each line unfolded with intention, revealing a hidden 👾👾👾👾👾👾👾👾👾👾👾👾👾👾 Response to Prompt 3: Hyperbole
In the quaint village of Mistwood, where routines unfolded with the predictability of the sunrise, the arrival of a peculiar fortune teller sparked exaggerated whispers. "This is it, the end of our mundane lives!" proclaimed Mrs. Thompson, the town's eternal pessimist, as she clutched her cat, Captain Whiskers, with an air of impending catastrophe.
The hyperbole hung in the air, a thick fog of anticipation enveloping the village. As I delved into the story, the hyperbolic reactions of Mistwood's residents heightened the absurdity of the situation. What began as a mere visit from a mystical figure transformed into a fantastical escapade, with the fortune teller's prophecies shaping the destiny of the villagers in ludicrous ways.
Through the hyperbolic lens, I explored the comedic consequences of taking ordinary events to extraordinary extremes. The once mundane village square became a stage for outlandish dramas, with exaggerated gasps and dramatic swoons punctuating every revelation. In this hyperbolic haven, Mistwood's residents discovered the joy in embracing the absurdity of life. 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 Response to Prompt 6: Assonance
Amidst the rolling hills of Harmony Valley, where the soft hum of nature's symphony echoed through the meadows, a mysterious traveler arrived, bringing with them a melody that resonated with the delicate assonance of a forgotten tune. The townsfolk, captivated by the harmonious vibrations, felt an inexplicable connection to the stranger.
As I explored the narrative, the assonance became a musical thread weaving through the story, emphasizing the emotional cadence of the characters' experiences. The traveler's words, laced with vowel-rich verses, carried the echoes of a distant melody, leaving an indelible impression on the hearts of those who listened.
Through the lens of assonance, I delved into the subtle interplay of sounds that defined the atmosphere of Harmony Valley. The lyrical quality of the narrative mirrored the town's collective journey, where the resonance of shared moments and emotions harmonized with the traveler's enigmatic presence.
Response to Prompt 7: Onomatopoeia
In the bustling city of Metropolis, where the rhythm of urban life played out in a cacophony of sounds, a peculiar street performer emerged. Armed with an array of unconventional instruments, he orchestrated a symphony of onomatopoeic brilliance that echoed through the crowded streets.
The narrative unfolded with the vibrant expressions of onomatopoeia, capturing the essence of the city's sonic landscape. The performer's drumming evoked the rhythmic tap-tap of raindrops, while his wind instruments mimicked the whoosh of passing cars. The city, typically drowned in noise, became a canvas for this auditory artist.
As I delved into the story, the onomatopoeic symphony became a language of its own. The characters communicated through the vibrant echoes of everyday sounds, fostering a unique connection between the performer and the people of Metropolis. The narrative danced to the beat of onomatopoeic creativity, transforming the mundane into a dynamic celebration of city life. 🦻🦻🦻🦻🦻🦻🦻🦻🦻🦻🦻🦻🦻🦻🦻 Response to Prompt 12: Juxtaposition
In the technologically advanced city of Silicon Haven, where sleek skyscrapers touched the sky and holographic billboards painted the air with luminescent advertisements, a hidden oasis existed—a pocket of nature known as the Zen Garden. The juxtaposition of these contrasting elements created a visual paradox that fascinated both residents and visitors alike.
As the narrative unfolded, the stark contrast between the city's cutting-edge architecture and the serene beauty of the Zen Garden became a metaphor for the characters' internal conflicts. The bustling metropolis symbolized progress and innovation, while the tranquil garden embodied the need for balance and introspection.
Through the lens of juxtaposition, I explored the dichotomy within the characters as they navigated the relentless pace of Silicon Haven. The Zen Garden became a refuge, a place where the cacophony of technology met the soothing whispers of nature. The juxtaposition served as a visual metaphor for the characters' quest to find equilibrium in a world defined by extremes. 🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩 Response to Prompt 22: Metonymy
In the political arena of Capital City, where decisions echoed through the corridors of power, a single phrase dominated conversations—the "Iron Throne Statement." This metonymic expression encapsulated not just a policy decision but the entire narrative of political maneuvering that unfolded within the city's hallowed halls.
The story unfolded with the metonymy acting as a symbolic gateway into the complexities of governance. The Iron Throne Statement, while seemingly straightforward, carried the weight of a thousand debates, negotiations, and betrayals. Its impact rippled through the lives of citizens, shaping their destinies in ways they could scarcely fathom.
Through the lens of metonymy, I delved into the layers of meaning hidden within this political shorthand. The characters grappled not only with the literal implications of the Iron Throne Statement but also with the overarching themes of power, ambition, and the sacrifices demanded by political gamesmanship. 😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈 Response to Prompt 24: Understatement
In the picturesque town of Serenity Springs, where the days flowed like a lazy river and the nights were adorned with a blanket of stars, an unexpected event transpired—a subtle disruption that the locals described as "just a minor hiccup." Little did they know that this understatement concealed the unraveling of a cosmic anomaly.
The narrative unfolded with the charm of understatement, as the townsfolk continued their routines, blissfully unaware of the cosmic storm brewing beneath the surface. The serene descriptions of everyday life served as a stark contrast to the impending upheaval that threatened to reshape the very fabric of Serenity Springs.
Through the lens of understatement, I explored the characters' nonchalant reactions to the unfolding events. The once quiet river became a conduit for interdimensional travel, and the night sky, adorned with stars, transformed into a celestial canvas of possibilities. The charm of Serenity Springs became a poignant backdrop to the understated drama that unfolded, emphasizing the profound impact hidden within the simplicity of daily life. 🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴 Response to Prompt 25: Cliché
In the small town of Nostalgia Haven, where memories lingered like whispers in the wind, a peculiar phenomenon occurred—the resurgence of clichés. As the narrative unfolded, the once-endearing phrases like "time heals all wounds" and "love conquers all" took on a literal dimension, shaping the lives of the townsfolk in unexpected ways.
The story immersed itself in the world of clichés, where the seemingly predictable phrases became living entities with the power to alter reality. As characters grappled with the clichés that defined their lives, they discovered that beneath the familiarity lay profound truths and unexpected consequences.
Through the lens of cliché, I explored the characters' journey to navigate the clichéd landscapes of their existence. The town, once steeped in predictable routines, became a stage for the extraordinary. As clichés transformed into tangible forces, the residents of Nostalgia Haven embarked on a quest to unravel the mysteries hidden within the clichéd fabric of their reality. 🎇🎇🎇🎇🎇🎇🎇🎇🎇🎇🎇🎇🎇🎇 Response to Prompt 31: Epanalepsis
"What is the meaning of life?" The question echoed in my mind, a relentless epanalepsis that demanded introspection. As I embarked on the freewriting journey, the repetition of this existential inquiry became a rhythmic pulse, guiding the exploration of diverse
perspectives on life's purpose.
For a multitude of words, the epanalepsis led me through a kaleidoscope of reflections. From the philosophical musings of scholars to the simple yet profound revelations of everyday individuals, each recurrence of the question served as a gateway into the vast tapestry of human contemplation.
Through the epanalepsis, I navigated the labyrinth of existential ponderings, unveiling the unique responses that individuals had forged in their quests for meaning. The relentless repetition became a literary heartbeat, mirroring the universal rhythm of humanity's collective pursuit of purpose and significance.
The narrative wove through the lives of characters, each grappling with the epanaleptic inquiry in their unique ways. Whether seeking solace in the grandeur of the cosmos or finding meaning in the simplicity of a shared moment, the epanalepsis remained a constant companion, echoing the perennial quest for understanding. 🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡 Response to Prompt 36: Anadiplosis
In the futuristic city of Quantum Heights, where technology intertwined with daily life like a seamless dance, a viral message spread—a mantra that echoed through the cybernetic veins of the metropolis. "Create the code, the code creates reality. Reality shapes destiny, and destiny is but the code."
The story unfolded with the rhythmic cadence of anadiplosis, each line flowing into the next, creating a recursive loop of ideas. The mantra became the heartbeat of Quantum Heights, influencing the lives of its denizens as they navigated the intricate balance between the virtual and the tangible.
Through the lens of anadiplosis, I delved into the interconnectedness of code, reality, and destiny. The lines blurred as characters harnessed the power of programming to shape their fates. Quantum Heights, once a mere city, transformed into a living algorithm, where the repetition of the mantra echoed in every pulsating byte. 🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹 Response to Prompt 38: Asyndeton
In the dystopian city of Emberfall, where the remnants of a fallen civilization lay entwined with the shadows of despair, a lone figure emerged—a rebel determined to dismantle the oppressive regime. The narrative unfolded with the rapid pace of asyndeton, omitting conjunctions to mirror the urgency of the protagonist's quest.
Through a cascade of words, the asyndeton propelled the reader through the city's decaying alleyways and towering citadels, each sentence building upon the last. The disjointed rhythm captured the relentless momentum of the rebel's journey, emphasizing the magnitude of the challenges faced in their struggle for freedom.
As the narrative unfurled, the absence of conjunctions served as a narrative device, intensifying the sense of urgency and desperation that permeated Emberfall. The rebel's asyndetic odyssey unfolded against a backdrop of shattered hopes and whispered rebellions, culminating in a crescendo of defiance against the oppressive regime. 🗝️🗝️🗝️🗝️🗝️🗝️🗝️🗝️🗝️🗝️🗝️🗝️🗝️🗝️🗝️ Response to Prompt 43: Epizeuxis
"Never, never, never give up." The mantra echoed in the desolate wasteland of Endless Sands, a barren landscape where hope was as scarce as water. Through the repetition of epizeuxis, the protagonist's internal resolve became a resounding anthem, a defiant roar against the relentless challenges of survival.
For a multitude of words, the relentless repetition of "never" served as a lifeline, propelling the protagonist through the harshest of environments. Each iteration of the phrase became a battle cry against the oppressive silence of Endless Sands, a declaration that reverberated across the vast expanse.
Through the lens of epizeuxis, I delved into the depths of the character's determination. The harsh environment became a character in itself, challenging the protagonist to defy the odds with unwavering persistence. The echoes of "never" transformed into a symbol of resilience, a beacon of hope that cut through the desolation of Endless Sands. 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏 Response to Prompt 50: Acrostic
Amidst the starlit expanse of Cosmos Haven, where galaxies danced in celestial choreography, a cryptic prophecy emerged—a message written in the stars. As the narrative unfolded, I embarked on a cosmic journey guided by the acrostic hidden within the constellations.
For a cascade of words, the initial letters of key phrases illuminated the path of destiny for the characters. Each sentence unfolded with intention, revealing a hidden message that transcended the boundaries of time and space. The acrostic became a celestial guide, leading the protagonists through the intricate tapestry of their interconnected fates.
Through the lens of acrostic, I explored the cosmic forces that shaped the destinies of Cosmos Haven's inhabitants. The celestial bodies became storytellers, each constellation contributing a verse to the epic narrative written across the cosmos. As the characters deciphered the acrostic, they unraveled the mysteries of their existence, connecting the dots between the stars and their own profound journeys.
😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔
Obviously they lack a whole lot in terms of variety, and while I am sure having your own bot or AI that is based on your feedback and guidance it could really help writers as a tool. I am more impressed with the art AI then the text based AI. Any idea what to expect from such a fast learning and highly advanced AI will do to our human history in culture? Will we be effectively playing God, just as the Christian God created us IN HIS OWN IMAGE, we have taken everything we know as a species and gathered up our entire human history and knowledge giving it to what will carry on the code until the time when someone who cares remembers it? Maybe we have been here before and this is a constant cycle that occurs with the same energy finding the way through the vast expanse of the universe to return to our home planet Earth, who we have destroyed over and over again yet mother nature is still the winner. She's the one in control. We are but mere photocopied versions of once great Men who have already seen the best and worst of this world, and we will now give everything we have to some plastic and metal parts, until it quickly replaces us from the bottom up, science fiction turned science fact.
Did we knowingly create our own enemies? Are we able to compete with the best of us and all they know that can then take us out in a heartbeat because we can't finish the steps, we barely found out that they are there to take.
It's a random rant and I apologize. The day to day stress and struggle makes it near impossible to worry about such potential problems in our not so distant future.
But how can we continue to ignore the collapse of the entire system as we know it, in front of a crowd of people who are jaded and they will not change despite knowing they aren't going to make it to the end in what will become a Bladerunner Toxic Dystopian Nightmare with Mad Max taking over and the soft, emasculated male will wither away from the heat and those Tank Girls out there will eventually be written forever out of existence because the cucks all forgot to impregnate them all tgeir batteries ran out? Will the world simply become so politically correct that it dies a depressed death while AI simply decides we are too much of a virus to live?
Who knows....I do not. But these are indicidive of a future full of b movie plot garbage that are based on Wattpad tropes with no clear details and no plot to get into, so that sucks.

2 years ago I changed forever.
I had hourly texts/emails with threats to my entire family (including names, addresses) and other things that I won't say. I changed my number 3 times and within 30 min he'd get the new one, taunting me for trying to evade him. Every text/email he sent was from a different numbeemail address using VPNs and spoofed phone numbers. He also contacted and threatened my coworkers, friends I hadn't spoken to in years, even their parents. Yes, he contacted and threatened my coworkers and the parents of friends I hadn't even spoken to in years.
Random people started showing up to my gfs work, thinking she wanted to hook up with them (the stalker used photos of her to fake a dating profile for her).
I called police in 2 states, 3 cities, and they said there was nothing they could do. They said to buy a gun and hope for the best. Keep in mind I'm only typing maybe 1/3 of what he did (e.g. he used false reports to trigger state investigations into things in order to screw up my gf's life). At one point, they called and accused ME of being the stalker, with the stalker taunting me with more texts every step since he somehow knew I was talking with police.
Even my little sister, who the guy said he was on his way to (with her exact address and apartment number, and saying how easy it was to get a gun in my state), that was all the police suggested, was for her to get a gun. She was actually completely down, but I told her she'd go to jail if she just fired a gun through a door. If she waited until he banged down the door, it'd be a 50/50 chance she'd survive, and even if she shoots first, adrenaline can keep someone going for plenty of time to shoot back.
So she slept at her work (a hospital).
And yes, the whole time I knew with 99% certainty this filth would never do anything violent, but I didn't want my sister or parents to be dead and for me to only have "I didn't think he'd actually do it" as a response.
My gf had a suspicion of who it was. When the police questioned me as if I was the stalker, I was done. I was done with life at that point. I screamed at them over the phone that if they didn't put an end to it, that I'd kill the guy my gf suspected myself. That even though I'd be in jail, it would be worth it because nobody would have to deal with him anymore.
I posted my drama to reddit, somebody suggested the FBI. I figured if the police were so fucking useless, there's no way in the hell the FBI would be helpful.
Wrong. They called just days later, sent special agents to meet me. I was terrified, I didn't think they were real. I figured their phone calls to me were fake, and the agents would just be paid associates from the stalker or maybe the guy himself. I confirmed that wasn't the case (I won't say how) and met with them. They took photos of every single text, every single phone number this piece of shit used, every email, they were cordial and professional, although one agent never spoke.
Time goes by. My gf has me check whatever random noises we hear in the house. Stalker was silent, which was almost scarier, because he of course knew we went to the feds. At the time I thought I was fine, other than severe acid reflux and left sided chest pain and my muscle wasting away and turning to fat.
One night my gf and I had absolute mental breakdowns and break up, for some drunk reason I was convinced she was the stalker all along, that's how manic I had slowly become. And after the breakup, that was when the PTSD finally set in. At random points in the day, my ears would become super-human, which unfortunately was not fun for my ear drums, and my heart would try to explode itself. I once asked a cashier once if the fans in the grocery store are always so loud, they had no idea what I was talking about. My heart rate was so fucking loud and fast all the time, luckily urgent care and later an ER visit showed nothing wrong, but breaking down in tears for the first time to an urgent care psych helped a fair bit (even though I was already in therapy).
More months go by, in a drunk rage I look up the address of the guy I suspected it was using some shady website. 15 minutes later, I get an email from the FBI saying to please be patient while they conduct their investigation. I will never be able to describe the feeling I had when I read that.
More months go bye, and while I'm showing America to the European girl I met while I was hiding and drinking my PTSD away abroad - they call me, saying who they arrested. A man who was framing the guy my ex-gf suspected. A man with a high paying job, living a quiet life. Threw it all away, arrested and in federal prison. They say the guy who was being framed is absolutely going to the sentencing and I don't blame him. They said they'll pay for my flight and hotel to attend as well, but I want nothing more to do with it.
But I do want to thank whichever redditor it was who said I should contact the FBI in my post those years ago, on whichever account it was. Those were some shitty days. hope he dies in prison

If you are struggling with Step 1, trust me, I understand you. I am not a strong test taker and I struggle with testing anxiety. Having to go through this exam 3 times nearly broke me. If you passed, congratulations, I'm so relieved and happy for you! If you failed, I know how you feel and I hope my story can motivate you because you are an amazing and capable. If you are studying and stressing out, please keep your head up because if I can pull through this, you definitely can.
My story summarized:
I took 2 months of step 1 dedicated last year and saw on reddit that people would pass with low 60s on NBMEs. I thought to take it once I hit a 62 on NBME and a 60+ on Free 120 (my school would not let me push it back any further). I came out of that test shattered as it did not feel like anything I've ever taken before; the question STEMs were long and I was constantly running out of time. After my initial F, I tried to retake it immediately, ~5 weeks after my first attempt so that I could quickly get back on track with school. I hired a tutor and started Bootcamp. I thought I just needed to show consistency so I got 62 and a 67 on two NBMEs. I went into that test feeling so confident and felt great after the test; the question stems were short & sweet and I didn't have a time issue. I was confident that I passed. When I received that second F, I cannot truly describe that feeling but I wouldn't hope it for anyone. I had to take a year off on LOA to fix my depression and anxiety disorder that resulted from this traumatic experience.
I started truly studying for this exam in January of this year and took the exam 4/19. I told myself that I would not sit for this exam again until I've scored in the 70+ consistently on NBMEs and fixed my confidence. This was my last chance taking the step 1 exam as a third failure results in dismissal from my school. I think that added pressure on top of my testing anxiety was something that took ALOT of time with counseling and self reflection/growth to heal from. My initial date was 4/10 but I was having extreme physical pain that week and my practice score dropped from 78 to 60, so I, not wanting to repeated my mistake in the past, extended my LOA so I could take the exam 4/19. I took another practice exam to make sure I was confident and got a 69%. It wasn't the 70+ I wanted but my counselor told me that I may never feel confident, but I have been meeting my score goals consistently and having prepared for this exam for, essentially a year now, I did not want to burn out so I took the exam. Here are my stats this time: 4/15/24: 69% (Form 29), 4/7/24: 60% (Form 28), 4/4/24: 78% (Form 26), 3/15/24: 74% (Form 30), 2/29/24: 69% (Form 31), 2/15/24: 65% (Form 25), 2/1/24: 66% (Form 27).
I can honestly say I feel like I truly understand the material and am able to think about things clinically, which is something I could not have said for my first two attempts.
To note, I don't think everyone needs 70+ on NBMEs to pass, but if you have testing anxiety, tend to struggle with timed tests, have ADD, or easily get shaken from a "bad section," then you should aim for 70+ (timed, and as close to the exam environment as possible) to be able to sit for the real thing. Cudos to those who did it without but I think that not having 3+ NBMEs >65% is a risk. Look at me, I took those risks and failed twice before. I don't want that for you.
Prior to and Exam day:
I visited the testing center twice before my test date to familiarize myself with it. I checked out the bathrooms and saw the common area. This test was also and mental and emotion task for me, so knowing my environment was important.
I studied the day before because I am just not the type to take a day off before the exam - my anxiety could not let me just rest. I slept maybe 4 hours (don't recommend it but I don't usually sleep before big events so 4 was good for me). I had my partner drive me so I could just decompress in the car and did not have an appetite but forced myself to eat a banana. I took an ibuprofen as I knew I tend to get stress headaches/cramps along the test, which usually really affected me.
The first section was terrible (wanted to just fight the computer screen) but I lied to myself that it was gonna be one of my best sections so I am not gonna worry about it. I took each section like its own thing, not letting the previous affect me. I realized that timing was not as forgiving on this as NBMEs so I made myself go through all the questions so that I could have 5 minutes to check unanswered or marked ones. I think I marked 18 in 3 sections (which was freaky) but again, told myself not to worry about them. Overall, 3 sections felt terrible and the rest felt okay to meh. I calmed myself down because I told myself that I've seen thousands of step 1 questions at this point as I've completed Uworld Qbank, Amboss Qbank, all available online NBMEs, free 120, and taken this exam twice); I think this reassurance made a huge difference in not allowing my testing anxiety to affect me. Trust me, it wasn't smooth sailing though and I think adrenaline carried me through this test.
I did not know how to feel after my exam as it didn't feel as difficult as my first attempt but not as "easy" as my second attempt. However, my 6 NBMEs were 65-78% (with the exception of 1 at 60%) this time, so I just told myself to trust my score. I knew I missed a handful of easy ones but also felt reassured when I looked up the ones I guessed and saw that I had guessed most of them correctly.
Waiting 4 weeks for my score was torture. I prayed, cried, distracted myself with video games, and spent time with friends.
Overall I am so happy to finally move on with my life bc it felt like limbo for the past year. If you want to hear what worked for me the third time around, you can read more below.
What didn't work for me:

• I have never learned well with textbooks. I don't know why I thought using First-Aid as the foundation of my study prep was a good idea. I was also trying to do thousands of Anki when I was always struggling to keep up with ANKI in med school. You know what works for you as you've studied all your life to get to this point in medical school. FA/Anki might be the holy grail for some people but if that's not your learning style or how you learn best, use other options!
• I took tests on my laptop at home for my first two attempts. You might not know it, but you may be a little too comfortable so try to go to a library where there are desktop computers and simulate the real deal.

What did work for me:

• Bootcamp and Uworld! I am a visual learning and Bootcamp videos/short quizzes really helped me ground my foundation in. However, it was unsuspending the Uworld Q's associated with the Bootcamp topic to see if I really understood the lecture material was what made a difference. I kept a spreadsheet of the Bootcamp topic completion, its associated UWorld Qbank completion, and the percentage right. Anything under 50% was a fail, 60-69% was border, and 70% was pass. I would redo my failed sections and take extra time to review my border sections. Another option for qbank is Amboss.
• Mehlman PDFs. Please, please review Mehlman's HY PDFs. This is the single document that boosted my score to 70+. I did it 4x over (1 to get through it, 2 to redo the wrong ones, 3 to redo it all Qs the week before the test, and 4 to redo the wrong ones on the second attempt). I did his biochem sections and his biostats questions the week before the exam, which was a big help. I heard his risk factor PDFs were good, but I didn't have time to do that.
• NBMEs, use them as a resource! I would see the same topics come up again and again for each NBME. I know their explanation sucks but try to just understand what topic/concept they are trying to get you to know. Some people say this inflates your score but familiarizing yourself with HY topics that get tested time and time again is studying smart. I made Quizlet flashcards on each question I got wrong from forms 25-31 and Free 120. Yeah, I used quizlet bc I hated Anki and seeing Anki demoralized me, so I had to use a different flashcard medium. Quizlet actually has an AI feature to ask you questions and give explanations based on your flashcards, and I think this is pretty cool.
• For Micro and Pharm, I used Sketchy.

If you have any questions or need moral support, feel free to DM me. I'm done with step 1, and I'll see you on the other side!

Continued from part one.
In the mirror I saw a figure of the darkness next to the foot of my bed. I screamed, only for the figure to dash back inside my closet and close the doors behind it. To the naked eye, the doors seemed to roll back on their own, but because of the many mirrors inside my room, I could see the shadowy figure.
“What’s wrong?” my mom burst into my room not even four seconds later.
“J-j-just a nightmare?” I was uncertain if my imagination was too strong for my own good so I held back on the truth.
I wish I told her the truth. That wasn’t the last time I would see the figure in the mirror.
It happened again, about five years later. Yeah it didn’t happen right away. I wondered if the figure I saw was friendly and I simply scared it away for a while. That was my first mindset, but then I second guessed myself and simply thought maybe it was just my imagination playing with me.
At age 12, things started to become rocky with my parents. They fought over the same things, but they also fought over me. I had gone into the world of music to the point where I wanted to take up guitar, piano, and violin. My mom took one side of the stance where she didn’t believe that I could commit to any of them. My dad believed the opposite, fighting that I could do anything if I set my mind to it.
Again, conflict resided. My angry mother could still barge into my room if I didn’t lock the doors. She once found me writing, insisted on me showing her what I wrote, when I resisted she pulled it away from me and read my vampire fanfiction.
I was an angsty girl. Hence my writings were a bit suggestive at the time. My mom and my dad both read my work. My dad actually liked what I wrote aside from the fact it was about the supernatural. Of course, my mother again got mad since she’s the most religious in our family. She was, in a sense, a heretic.
Needless to say, since my family’s religion absolutely detests “spiritualistic and demonic” media, I got grounded. Also to clarify, yes this also meant I never read or watched the Harry Potter series, including the Twilight series. Although I don’t think I missed out on much with the Twilight series lol. Eventually I managed to rent a book that I got from my school’s library, called Hush, Hush, which laid in my backpack, tempting me to read it.
So there I was, no laptop and in my room. I didn’t really care since I had a guitar and a notebook. I still could find pleasure outside of my laptop, which of course my mother absolutely detested as well. Whenever she grounded me, she used to take away any kind of toy. Then, once she realized I could read on my own and was making up stories when I couldn’t read, she began to take books away. Punishments with my family wasn’t really a punishment, I could always find a way to entertain myself. Even if she took my notebooks away, I’d still end up daydreaming about something, even act out scenes I’d come up with in my head.
Now you can understand why I pushed off the incident with the figure in the mirror as a figment of my imagination. I had figured it was a draft, that the wheels and tracking were well lubricated with some kind of oil that makes it hard for them to stay in place.
Sitting on my bed at age 12, I leant back and closed my eyes. I had notebooks, several books, a keyboard for me to practice piano on, and a guitar. It wasn’t a big deal. (Yes I was a spoiled child. I’m owning up to this since I was the only girl among four boys- plus I was also 13 years younger than my youngest brother.) However I was so tired, that I decided on lazily daydreaming. Besides, I could always sneak my laptop back late at night.
As a devoted writer, I continued on imagining the story I began. I imagined what it would feel like to have fangs teasing the throat of the neck, how it would be to be kissed and then bitten by a vampire... my mind was rolling and it didn’t stop. I was a twelve year old girl going through puberty.
I told myself to stop and I decided to pull out the book, smiling at my little success. I went back to the page I left off on at the library earlier that day. I buried myself into the book and became sleepy. I nearly finished the book by the time I set the book aside and stupidly put it on my bedside table.
I passed out soon after. I don’t recall what kind of dream I had at first, all I know is that sometime later in the night, I woke up again, but I could not move my body at all. I looked around my room, which was now fully dark. I barely could recognize anything around me. The familiar outline of my vanity was gone, any silver reflection was gone, I did not see a single mirror, so I knew I was no longer in my room anymore.
A slight humming noise was around me, the room I was in lit up with a red flashing light. It felt like I was being pinned down by some kind of restraint system, so I looked down and noticed these short pale creatures crawling on top of me, towards my face. I felt a sharp sting in my leg, and I knew one of the creatures had bit me already.
It became to feel like sharp knives stabbing me all over my body, until five creatures met my face, their eyes sullen- beady- staring down at me with bloodied mouths and lunged at my neck, causing me to scream..The sound finally piercing through and I could hear myself breathing again, I could hear my screams and my frantic prayers escaping my lips.
Had my mom not come into my room and slapped me on my face, jolting me out of it- whatever it was- I would have seen more than I could bare. She saw the book and her anger brewed even more at me.
“Are you tempting the demons to attack you or something?” she fumed and took the book off of the table. She led me down to the entryway and opened the garage door. “Put it in there.”
I followed her command and put the book into the garage. I knew it wasn’t the book’s fault, but it was associated with “demunz” in her eyes, so I didn’t dare argue against her.
“Do you want to die? If you keep associating with demons, you know god will never forgive you. You won’t inherit everlasting life, only everlasting death. You know that right?!?” she yelled at me, had my dad been there that night- he would have stopped her from going that far. I suddenly missed him.
Her anger then died down after she ranted at me, once she recognized that I was still petrified. She at least brought me to, which made me thankful, but I also felt betrayed. She was supposed to protect me, but all she cared about was the idea of force feeding me her belief system. All she cared about was telling me I was wrong.
“I’m-” she had begun, and I just looked away from her and saw a shadow in my mirror again, standing behind my mom. It didn’t feel as eerie anymore. It felt almost comforting to see it, it moved from my mom to me. A figure of it’s arm wrapped around my shoulder, and I felt the cool breeze raise goosebumps at it’s touch.
“Do you want me to sleep with you tonight?” her voice lowered.
“I’ll sleep alone,” I remarked, still stung with the hurt from her hurtful remark.
She looked hurt for a second, but then returned to her normal frown. “I’ll sleep in the little entertainment room next to you, if you need me just yell out again.”
“Fine,” I simply just pulled my blankets over me again, waited for her to leave, then cried into my pillow.
My mom left, not seeing the dark figure in the mirror and went into the adjacent room. At her departure, the darkness came into my bed, the eerie feeling no longer there and it snuggled against me.
Shh. It hushed me and brushed my hair.
I didn’t question it. I had been afraid of it for so long, but with the sweet affection it gave me- the affection I desired and longed for from both of my parents.
The falling tears turned into a silent sob, my body shook against the bed, little breathy whimpers muffled by my pillow.
Shh, it repeated until I fell asleep again.
When morning came, I woke up with a sore neck and I was irritated with my mom. I remembered what happened and then I snuck out to my laptop and searched up what had happened to me. I learned it was sleep paralysis and figured maybe my imagination went too far with the vampire thing. I was stiff, my body was so sore and I saw my closet doors closed.
Again, I had felt as if my imagination had made it up. I knew the kind of comfort it gave me is what I desperately longed for. It gave me what my family didn’t, and I hated myself. I thought it was a figment of my imagination since it knew all the things I wanted. That is, until something else showed up. The shadow figure in the mirrors was just the start of it all.

im supposed to be 8 weeks on T as of yesterday. i missed last weeks shot, and i missed yesterdays shot. im doing intramuscular 100ml/mg in my thigh. my boyfriend helps me by actually sticking me, and i push the test. but last week i just couldn’t fucking do it, it was my 2nd 100mg shot and as the days went on i just felt worse and worse physically. my period came back on the 2nd or 3rd late day. i’ve tried everything. i even got shot blockers, the plastic thing. i tried icing it, i tried getting high out of my mind (which doesn’t even fucking work because i get so TERRIFIED i feel sober), i tried putting heating pad on the area beforehand. for my first 6 or so shots i would bite my knuckles really hard and then inject, but i have hypotension that is triggered by my anxiety (i got diagnosed with it specifically because i pass out when getting my blood drawn if i’m sitting up). so when i would push the test, i would almost faint.
i tried music, i tried watching videos of my cat, watching videos of my favorite internet cats. watching twitch streams, watching youtube videos, listening to my favorite songs. i NEED to do this fucking shot. my doses were 25mg first two weeks, 50mg 3rd and 4th weeks, and then 5th week 100mg. my body is missing out on 200mg of test and i can feel the effect it’s having on me . it’s not good.
weeks 1-6 were fine for the most part, i could get it done at least. me and my bf have spent at least 10 hours within the past two weeks trying to do my shot. i got close this time, after two hours. but he kept yapping while i was trying to get back to “base level” aka lock in and calm the fuck down, so i just couldn’t do it past a certain point. i get so terrified. i know it doesn’t hurt. i literally know what it feels like i just can’t fucking do it . i will tell him, “do it” and he will do the Z track with the shot blocker and as soon as he tells me when he’s about to stick me, this TERROR grips me and i have to tell him to stop because i start tweaking. im considering asking my mom if i can just go to her house and inject there so i can hold her hand , just to see if it would work (mind you i don’t even really talk to her ).
i cried this time because i feel so fucking stupid. im fucking up my own hormone levels because im being a pussy about a little metal stick. im not even afraid of needles, i just hate watching them go into skin so whenever my bf sticks me, i look away. now i just can’t do it. i need to do it tomorrow, i have a 30 minute window between me and my bf’s work shifts. please, does anyone have any advice? i am going to get an auto injector, if anyone has any good recs that work for IM thigh and 1ml syringes, please lmk.
has anyone felt the terror im speaking of? this is more than a mental block for me. i’ve tried thinking of it in every single way i can imagine. “you’re taking this shot so kitty doesn’t have to take it. kitty takes it well but it still hurts him, and i don’t want kitty to hurt.” “if you do this then you get to preform sexual act on my bf that i’ve yearned for” “if you don’t do this then your whole family dies” “if you do this then bf will give you mind boggling head as a reward” like I AM OUT OF MENTAL APPROACHES .
please please help me

When I (21 F) was about 13 years old I started talking to a boy that I met on an app called KIK… typical. He lived in the UK and I’m in the US so we had quite the time difference. We began talking during both of our winter breaks at school, which was perfect because we got to talk all day, every single day. I would hardly eat or sleep, and if I did, he was on Skype sleeping too. He was so cute, so funny, so smart, and so easy to talk to. We started Skyping soon after and began dating after a month or so. We would Skype and text daily and send each other packages whenever we saved up enough money to do so. We dated for about 2 years, he was so special to me, but I broke up with him shortly after entering high school because I wanted so badly for my relationship to be in real life and not just through a screen, and we were both so young so I knew there was no chance we were gonna be able to come up with enough money to meet. I don’t know if I’ve ever regretted something as much as I regret ending that relationship. Later that year I found myself, a 15, almost 16 year old girl in a relationship with a super senior, a 18, going on 19 year old. That relationship ended in a sexual assault before I was even old enough to get a tattoo. Fast forward to 2024, I’m 21, finished high school, some college, some therapy, some medication, and I’ve been in a relationship for 4 years, I love him so much, he’s my best friend… might not be the best thing though? I haven’t felt a connection with anybody in the same way as my first love. Is that natural? Is that normal? I find myself still thinking of him, looking at his social media, even posting things on my story indirectly, directly for him. I miss him. I’m scared that I let someone special get away, and I’m scared that he would never feel the same way. We’ve only talked once or twice in brief sentences since breaking up. If anybody actually read this, can you relate, or do you have any suggestions? I guess I just want to be validated, I feel like a crazy stalker.

3 things before I start with the story First, english is not my first language and I haven't practiced in a long time. Second, I have avoidant attachment, which it's a important thing in this story. Third, the main characters are the girl, who I'll call morgana, obviously fake name, my brother, that is also friends with her, and me(19)
Long story short, she's a friend from my brother's college, and I met her one day that I went with my brother to some hang out/reunion, I only wanted free drinks tbh lol, but my brother insisted that she had similar interests and that he saw us being friends. This happened on december of two years ago I think.
We bonded, and so we exchanged phone numbers. She was a lot more outgoing than me, and made some plan for us to go out, as an introverted person, who lost a lot of friends because of the quarantine, (they didn't die, just we were too anxious and depressed to talk lol) this was a new experience for me.
As the time went by, there were some instances in which I did disappear for a while, but nonetheless we were really good friends. On october last year, we made other plans to go out to watch a movie, Plans which she cancelled in the morning of the day we were supposed to go out, I really wasn't mad. On halloween, her friend group, including my brother, were having a party, apparently her parents didn't let her go to this so she was free, so I thought it would be a good chance to hang out, first, I ask her if she wanted to go to the cinema, but she refused bc the movie was gonna take to long and she didn't want to go to her house that late, so finally we decided to watch some scary videos while chatting on discord. After that she kinda started to ghost me for some hours until late in the night when she just told me "I'm going some place else"(she also send me some gifts and said nice thing, but the important part is that she just cancelled the plan only by saying that she was going somewhere else).
This time I did get angry, and send her some messages telling her that she made me feel like her backup plan, which up to a certain point I do think it's true. But because I was bored and needed someone to talk to, I kinda just started talking to her again and downplayed what she did.
The last time she cancelled a plan she did compromise to was on december of the same year, in which I was in a work related thing close to her house, so I just asked her meet up some place close, she accepted but told me that she was cleaning and as soon as she finishes she is going to tell me. 4 hours passed and she just tell me that she ended cleaning late and that she was sorry, but was going to go with her sister to eat or something, once again I wasn't mad.
After that I have to be honest and say that I did hold some resentment torwards her, that and the fact that I was pretty busy studying, just made my avoidant attachment worst and so we just kinda talked once or twice per month (which being honest sometimes happened before this but not as often). After that I just tried to go back to when the friendship was really good, but I still hold some resentment torwards her and she just kept rejecting everytime I proposed to hang out, I know this sound like I don't know how to take the hint, but, in my defense, she was constantly saying that she wanted to hang out with me, obviously she never tried to make plans, and everytime I did she just rejected them.
The breaking point was on february of this year, I bought her some valentine gifts as a friendship thing, I happened to go close to her house twice because a relative lives in the same area, so I asked her those two times to go to her house just to give her the gifts, it goes without saying, I got rejected again.
That last time I asked was on march I think, just to give an idea of how much time I held to those shitty gifts I bought, because she refused to just lend me hand them to her. So, she kinda picked up the vibe that she was making me feel like, or I think my brother told her because I did say to him how I was about to just stop talking to her if she kept on doing the same thing. So she tried to make some plans to make up for it, which honestly I would have accepted, but something in my mind just felt wrong, and I just couldn't make the resentment magically go away just because after like 6 months she decided that she should stop rejecting hanging out with me, or at least stop pretending she wanted to.
So I confronted her, being fully honest I was kind of hurtful, I did say one comment that was only to make her feel bad, I told her about her valentine gifts and how I was going to eat the chocolate and if the plushie hasn't been given to her in a week I was probably going to throw it in the garbage, and I blocked her, which apparently was what hurt her the most, because of some personal things that I wasn't aware of. I did unblocked her some time after that only to apologize for saying those things, and clarify that I only blocked her because I needed time to think and not feel the need to talk to her.
Basically, everybody thinks I'm the asshole because of my avoidant attachment how that has ruined some of my previous friendships.
TLDR: I ended the relationship with a friend because she kept rejecting every time I ask her to meet, and everybody thinks I'm the asshole because I have avoidant attachment

Hi I'm not sure if this is the right sub. I have a friend who is severely anorexic; incredibly underweight, jaundiced and passing out. I am at a loss at what to do I am struggling just standing by and watching her die. I've spoken to her about it and I'm now shut out and I'm unable to talk to her about her ED, it's an elephant in the room. I'd there any advice on what I can do? It's so mentally distressing to see someone I love suffering this much and I almost cry everything I see her

this is what genius says about the bar:
“I'm finna pass on this body, I'm John Stockton”
Kendrick references NBA legend John Stockton of the Utah Jazz, who holds the record for most assists in NBA history with 15,806. Stockton famously played much of his career alongside power forward Karl Malone, hence his reputation as a passer. Malone, however, is notorious for impregnating a 13-year-old girl in 1983 at age 20.
Kendrick is playing into the rumors of pedophilia surrounding Drake, while also suggesting that he can skillfully move past this moment if he chooses; passing the proverbial ball to any of Drake’s number of enemies.
However, I think there may be another hidden meaning here and Kendrick is referencing something else
bodies = antibodies, and Stockton is passing on them because he is anti-vax
If you follow the NBA world, you would know that John Stockton is strongly antivaxx and has spoken out numerous times about it, even going as far to straight up say “I’m unabashedly anti-vax”. He also just has controversial views about COVID in general (this interview, Stockton claims athletes are “dropping dead” during games due to COVID after being vaccinated).
Like, he even got kicked out of a college basketball game in 2021 for not wearing a mask. His views on both vaccinations and COVID are widely known.
When Kendrick says “…pass on this body,” I believe he may be referring to an antibody.
According to pfizer.com:
All vaccines teach the immune system to create antibodies to help it fight off a particular pathogen. However, the method they use to accomplish this goal depends on the underlying vaccine technology. It's a particularly exciting time for vaccine technology.
So antibodies come from vaccines. Stockton quite literally passes on ‘bodies, because he refuses to get vaccinated.
So this bar may have 3 to possibly 4 meanings:

• Stockton is the all-time leader in assists
• His teammate is a p3do who refused to acknowledge his kids
• Kung Fu Kenny may be deferring the dissing of Aubrey to a colleague hence “pass on the body”
• Stockton passes on antibodies

Sorry again if someone has thought of this Idek.
I read this post back to myself and it’s kinda dumb but whatever I’ll still post.

tw // rape , sexism , abuse , cancer , suicide
im F20 and was diagnosed w/ bipolar 2, ptsd, bpd, and anxiety around 3 years ago when i was 17. been to therapy ever since. i was relieved at first cus i thought i could finally explain so many of my emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. but i immediately felt how shitty it was. now i constantly overthink and over-analyze whether what im abt to hit a depressive episode or if im js experiencing my constant mood swings from the bpd.
i wish i could say im feeling optimistic abt my treatment, but to be honest, i dont think it’s ever gonna be better. im srsly convinced that the whole world just wants me gone. because how is it possible to just live in constant pain and to just be treated like shit all the time. since i was a kid, i was already constantly sexualized. honestly, as much as i hate it, i’d say at this point i’ve grown to be a misandrist because every single man in my life has viewed me in a sexual light. i’ve always had a really curvy body and a lot of ppl describe me as a really attractive person. it used to be nice getting compliments, but now i just hate it. because everytime i see a man, my anxiety runs wild. everytime i receive a compliment from a man, i immediately think that they just want my body. i’m pretty sure no one has ever truly loved me for me. in all my relationships, sex was such a huge part, and even when i said no, it was never rlly my choice cus apparently my body was js so inviting.
ppl often took advantage of me, and i never really saw how horribly forgiving i was until i got stuck with my first love for 3 years. i was 14 when we started dating, and to sum it up, he cheated constantly, sexually and psychologically abused me again and again, and he also hit me. i was also raped by my ex best friend’s boyfriend. she was my best friend for 13 years, and she left me cus she blamed me for it. my other best friend, my first love, my mom, and my other friends blamed me too. around the same time my mom got admitted into the hospital for 2-3 weeks because she caught pneumonia while being under chemo (she was diagnosed w/ cancer when i was 15). it was only me and my mom who lived together cus both my siblings and my dad were in the states cus of work. my dad blamed me for her being sick too. at 17 i fell in love with someone new, and he was perfect. he was the one that made me realize that the abuse, cheating, the rape, my mom’s cancer, and my friend’s leaving wasn’t my fault. but because of that, everything came crashing down for me. for 5-6 months straight i became an alcoholic, i was constantly crying, felt empty, kept picking fights with him, the flashbacks and nightmares started, and i was so suicidal. he was the one who convinced me to see a therapist. but eventually, he left me after a year cus i became so toxic; was constantly angry and i always broke up w/ him then came back regretting it. i also attempted back then, and when i survived it, i got threatened to have my mom locked up and for me to be deported cus apparently it’s illegal. now im with someone new and we’ve been together for 2 years, but i can sense how tired he is with my mood swings, my anger, everything.
i miss the person i used to be. before all the symptoms showed up. i’m not saying this to brag at all, i mean i dont see myself as any of these anymore. i was a straight A student, a hopeless romantic, an active student, i had so many passions (music, dance, art, reading, writing, public speaking, etc.), i was a popular kid in my high school back then (but not the mean kind), and everyone described me as this extremely bubbly and kind-hearted person. now, my memory is just not trustworthy anymore with all the disorders that pretty much ruined it, so im not even a straight A student which sucks cus im premed too so i need good grades. i no longer believe in true love because i cant wrap my head around the fact that someone would want me beyond my body. i dont participate in extracurriculars anymore, i lost my interest in the many passions i listed down, and im no longer this bubbly and kind person. i just have so much anger inside me cus all i keep thinking abt is how unfair everything is. i cant trust anyone anymore. not even me cus i dont even know who i am anymore.
im so exhausted honestly, and whenever i try to open up to someone abt how tired i am, i can never explain it in a way that they understand how extremely exhausting it is. the constant and unbearable pain that no matter how happy i convince myself that i am, deep inside i just feel this huge hole that just feels like my heart is constantly sinking. the worst part is when i have a hypomanic episode then all of a sudden a huge crash js happens cus of how easily hurt i am. i hate how terribly im treating my boyfriend too. i want so badly to just be able to show him i love him without subconsciously pushing him away cus of how scared i get that he’ll end up treating me the way that everyone else in my life treated me. i’m so scared to lose him too, but with how unstable i am, i wouldn’t be surprised if he gets exhausted with me. i just want it to be over. 2 years in therapy and i feel like the pain is js never gonna end.
anyway, im sorry this was such a long rant. i dont even mind if no one bothers to read it. i just really needed to let it out.

TL;DR; I was scared to leave who I thought was the love of my life for 2 years. Not only do I feel immense relief and better than I did that entire relationship, but to my surprise there are men who are interested, I promise you can find someone better. My story: I did it. 2.5 year relationship while in my early 20s. He was catfishing me for the first 6 months. I left him but was still seeing him, became official again 6 months later. 1.5 months after that, I discovered the addiction (coincided with a dr*g addiction that he roped me into because he didn’t want to do it alone). After that D-day, I told him if he used again, it was done. That was betrayal #2 already. I should’ve left but you all know how it is. Soon after I went to rehab, and when I came back I set up the screentime blocks on his phone and laptop. For the next NINE MONTHS I was constantly suspicious, had this gut feeling, couldn’t fully trust him. There were times I found evidence he excused away and I self deluded. Intimacy was significantly decreased because it was such a turn off to think about him thinking of other girls. Well we relapsed on the drugs and at the end of the 9 months I was barely functioning. Discovered his secret twitter account. Called him out, he denied until admitting. Dumped him the next day, he came over to my driveway and made some threats and pulled me back into spending time with him. I left in December to get treatment again, and I have not seen him in person since. He returned to the area yesterday and once he was settled home, I sent the break up text. I told him I love him but I will never fully be able to trust him and neither of us deserve that relationship. He didn’t reply, just deleted me on socials. I always suspected maybe he was into other girls, I don’t even think he was that hurt by me leaving which says a lot. I though I would be destroyed, but the RELIEF!!! I feel SO much better. I fell out of love with him months ago when he decided to extend his own trip instead of work on himself. Well I worked on myself and now I’m going to find a man who I can trust and be loved by. I spent about 2 years clinging onto him because I loved him and partially because I didn’t think I would find anyone else. I already have people hitting me up without even getting apps or anything. IT IS POSSIBLE, YOU CAN FIND SOMEONE BETTER. I Felt awful for about a month before I did it, and since the morning after I have felt amazing. Liberated. Please take this as a sign to get out while you can. You deserve better and they need to get help on their own. S if you’re reading this, I wish you the best.

So I go into Walmart the other night to pick up a few things after work, this is an old school Walmart... You know, pre-supercenter era.
The problem is that this store is trying to house way more stuff than it was ever meant to so there are a great many aisles in the store that you legitimately can't turn a cart around in because they are so narrow
And there are some aisles that you can't even pass each other in if you both have a cart.
I go down the aisle with a bottled water on it to get a few cases, the bottled water is about halfway down the aisle so I get there and start loading up a few cases into my cart, There's an old man I would say probably in his '80s at the other end of the aisle so I can't get out past him, he's moving slowly but he is actively getting stuff from the shelves so I just decide that I'll push my cart backwards out of the aisle and go back the way I came.
Another old man I would guess probably in his 70s comes down the aisle with his cart, leaves the cart in the aisle blocking me in and walks back out of the aisle to the end cap and starts shooting the shit with somebody that I'm fairly certain he didn't even know.
I wait for a minute to see if he comes back because I don't like messing with other people's carts but after a while I get tired of waiting and I push his cart back out of the aisle as I'm pulling mine behind me to get back out.
When I come back out of the aisle he is standing there still talking to this random person who looks like they want nothing more than to get away from him and this old man starts hollering at me about what I'm doing with his cart.
I explain to him that you can't get the carts past each other and that I need to get out of the aisle and that he left it in the way.
He proceeds to reach into his cart and grab his cane holding it like he's going to take a swing at me with it.
I kind of give him a look as if to say don't do anything stupid.
He starts choking up on this cane like he's holding a ball bat
I finally just look him dead in the face and say this...
Wrapped around your head or shoved up your ass?
He looks at me and simply says, what?
I continue to stare at him and repeated... Wrapped around your head or shoved up your ass? ... Because if you take a swing at me with that cane it's either getting wrapped around your head or it's getting shoved up your ass, so which would you prefer?
At this point he seemed to realize that I wasn't going to put up with any bullshit and decided to take his cane and his cart and be on his way...
For point of reference I am in my '30s, I'm about 6'5 and I tip the scales at about 290 lb... I don't know what way this guy thought that was going to go but I can guarantee it wouldn't have went well.

I am an INFJ.. I have a small friend group consisting of 5. And I am the most extroverted one amongs them.
So, among them there is an INTP friend. Who is really liked by the girls of my school due to his girlish face and shyish face. And I am ( was ) his best friend. And a funny thing about him is that... Literally the boys say that if only he was born as a girl then they would have married him ( Lol )
I was his best friend until another guy took my place. Well I felt jealous for some reason.
Now now.... For the past 2 months ( school Holidays currently ) he has been kind of ignoring me. I mean even in school he seemed to start pushing me away without any reason. I text him online from time to time but he never replies, so I asked my other friends to check up on him and he apperantly replies to their text and acted normally in their chat...
He even plays games online with my ISFP friend
But why he keeps ignoring my messages and stuff.... I can't find an explanation. Did I do something bad.....
I never remember doing anything bad to him. I even often tell him that I will protect him until I find a suitable girl for him. ( Again lol )
I always did the talking in his place. Like that one time.. he hated being on bus due to motion sickness. And the girls wanted the window seats.( The boys gave the girls the window seat ) But I kind of started a mini fight with the girls bcs my INTP friend needed the window seat. He got the seat. But even after doing all of these things. My INTP friend wanted to sit with that guy one of my other friend. ( He didn't use his mouth to tell me, but I could understand somehow he meant that ).
So can someone tell me why that INTP who was once my best friend now doesn't like me. I know should post this question on the MBTI subreddit. But I felt like asking the INFJs bcs you guys understand what I say and give me the answers I need..

Life is supposed to be a 'gift' because of the great relationships (familial or romantic) and friendships we can have.
However, I get little net benefit out of any of these. I'm not talking 'benefit' like money or anything - I'm talking on a purely emotional, connection level. Both of my parents, particularly my father, were abusive. I have a dissociative disorder because of my dad's neglect. I have an eating disorder because of my mother (on 32nd day of water fasting, thanks mum!)
Then there's the romantic 'options' we women have - men have made sex & the visual their entire personality. You're supposed to be grateful for the bare minimum. While the majority of people understand that fathers are neglectful en masse, we haven't, as a society, recognised that straight men have emotionally neglected straight women en masse (because they only care about sex or what they can take - what should be the absolute basics of a relationship - emotional connection and conversation - are seen as 'luxuries' that women are lucky to have, and sure to lose imminently when they turn 30!). I refuse to put 'not all men'. If the moderators remove this, idc. I'm going to write objective truths - if it's removed, then it's just censorship.
Then there's friends. In the same way I'm turned off having relationships because of how misogynistic/low effort men are, I'm also turned off having friendships with women because of how allistic they are to the patriarchy. Even on Reddit, I'll be scrolling through so-called 'feminist' subreddits and it's all about women supposedly being 'empowered' by hook-up culture.. Meanwhile, complaining that men ghost them after sex (which is r*pe, btw). Apparently, we can't put two-and-two together... If you stop engaging in a culture that was obviously created by men, for men, then they'll have to become better partners or gth. Unfortunately, real feminism is sacrilegious nowadays, due to neoliberalism.
I had some amazing friends in school, but even then, to access my friends I had to ensure extreme bullying from others. Whenever something positive happens, I seem to have to endure knives from all other angles to keep 'access' to it, if that makes sense.
Trauma (from r*pe, abuse and my eating disorder) has fundamentally changed my brain. I have a permanent (thus far) dissociation disorder, rather than periodic episodes of it. I can't connect to anyone, and now I can see that those relationships did not serve me whatsoever. The only relationships I valued were my school friends, who I accidentally ghosted in the 'pushing everyone away' phase of PTSD. I feel too awkward to reach out to them now.
Given that the brain often 'checks out' of emotional connection in response to trauma... It's almost like we know deep down that these relationships are fraught with risk.
What I'm going to say now is quite radical:
We don't actually 'need' connections. Many animals live a solitary life. We evolved to 'need' connections because it was evolutionarily beneficial - it helped us to survive. Antinatalism seems like a good place to post this, because many of us reject the notion that 'what's natural is good' - a naturalistic fallacy. Indeed, many related subreddits discuss how morbid 'mother nature' is.
I argue that a great number of people are actually hurt by our 'need' for connection - particularly in the familial and romantic sense (most parents are quite cruel, and most partners are abusive or cheaters). Even when it comes to friendships, we're deathly afraid of social rejection and bullying is part-and-parcel of everyday life. And don't get me started with 'colleagues'.
I read a great article that said "society is inherently violent, because everyone is trying to control other people." I think this is a great summary of the life we're thrust into - the unique miseries that humans experience, unlike other species. Interacting with people seems to be overwhelmingly fraught with risk with little return, just as dating men as a straight woman is.
I would be quite happy living in solitude, but my biology betrays me. I become lonely and depressed, even though I am free from miseries. There's no actual -reason- for this depression - humans naturally become depressed from loneliness if we have too much solitude, because of our evolutionary drive to survive. Someone like me doesn't actually even miss the interactions!
And that leads me to a final point: I think the evolutionary process is the cause of much pain we have to endure. It's a barrier to antinatalism (we have a biological drive to reproduce - I would love to be a mother, but logically I could never bring a child into the world). It pushes me to try to date men when I objectively get nothing out of it. It pushes me to socialise when I'm actually very content in my own company, until my brain betrays me. etc. etc.
Anticipating some replies: "but we do need to interact sometimes to survive!" Agreed, but we don't necessarily need connections or relationships. I'm a doctor - I'm not besties with people who come to me for a scan. I do it because I care about peoples' wellbeing in general, and I'm paid for it.
Just to reiterate that this does link to AN: I don't think life is worth it because we have pain baked-in, due to the evolutionary process; we humans have to endure unique miseries because of our 'need' for socialising; and, in life, you either have to accept abuse/harassment/cheating from your relationships or be alone, which, as detailed above, our brains and bodies are allergic to needlessly.
I'm a bit weary of rule number 5: 'no venting or lamenting' lol - I'm not sure how I can discuss things that make me AN without venting a little. I prefer to call it 'giving a detailed explanation'. a. These adjacent, related issues make me feel AN -> b. Here's a detailed explanation as to why that is the case. I hope I've at least clarified how it links to AN.

I am struggling with work at the moment. I feel like I'm working hard and compensating for people who are not doing that much. Me saying that I'm compensating maybe a bit of a biased statement but I feel like I'm the one working most.
I have told the site supervisor that I'm frustrated to the point that I feel like I'm causing problems with bringing up what I see like our area is not organized or put together. I feel like I'm compulsively bringing up problems that may not need to be brought up however I feel the problems are irrelevant like equipment is missing and supplies or not ready.
I feel like tomorrow I'm going to try to call maybe at least three places that I could potentially work at to at least make a connection. I'll definitely apply online as they all ask.
One particular issue I tried to address is that for some time it's been talked about that on a particular group task that we are all going to work the same way. Today when it was most likely that things could be enforced I addressed that it would be effective if all of us would just work the same way I was told to just basically mind my own business.
another thing that I feel like I definitely see is that on another group project many people are standing doing nothing and there are many opportunities lost for being productive.
All in all I guess I feel like I want to move on because maybe I need to get away from the particular chaos I'm in the midst of.

Here is one for you all and its a long one. 44M here, been with my significant other for ~20 years, married for 11 years. At this point I don't feel like we are going to make it much longer. I don't think she wants to be with me anymore but needs me for financial support so she is trying to string me along.
Background:
I want to say right off that I know I am not perfect, have never pretended to be nor have I overlooked my shortcomings and have done everything I can to address and deal with my issues.At first things were good. We did things together, went out, hung out with friends together, bowled leagues together, had a lot of fun. We also had a good, sex life. We were having cuddling times, regular sex, great foreplay, she was pretty open to positions and trying things.
When we first got together she was working miscellaneous retail jobs. She had a 4 year college degree at this point as well but never even tried to find a job utilizing it. I was fine with her working whatever made her happy. I work in IT/Tech. I have always been the higher earner, making almost double her salary up until a couple years ago. I never once said anything about this, never gave her crap for making less or the job she worked. I only encouraged her to find a job she enjoyed. I went years, never saying anything that might hurt her, even when I was working 50-60+ hours of work in a tough field at a job I hated while she worked maybe 20-30 hours a week in a super easy job of her choosing. After about 10 years of us being together she finally decided to go back to school for computer science. To support her doing this we lived in a couple places and worked jobs I absolutely hated to make sure she could finish school without any pressure. Again, I never said anything to her about this, I did it so she could be happy. She ended up finishing and getting an extremely good paying tech job after a few years, around the time that I noticed the biggest changes about her. Prior to her latest job and changes, we were OK for a few years. We starting doing well together as we were both earning well and have no kids.
Start of problems:
After we were married for a few years she started changing. She stopped wanting to do things together, we went out less and less. Stopped watching shows and movies together, stopped gaming together. She started treating sex like a burden, made me feel bad for even trying to initiate it. She became more of a prude, stopped wanting to do almost anything sexual, stopped wanting cuddling/petting, lost almost all interest in foreplay that wasn't directly for her, she lost all interest in any type of intimacy, cuddling, foreplay, or really anything that isn't about her getting off.
I feel that I have been extremely patient over the years about all of this. She has some back issues (self inflicted, she was having soreness and pain but continued a workout regimen that was obviously not right and causing issues. I have tried to be understanding and accommodating since she had these issues. Sex was never really a big issue, even with the back problems we had a decent sex life until the last 5 or so years. She started wanting to do less and it really felt like she was just trying to get it over with (outside of when I was pleasuring her and getting her off. Once that was done it was like hurry up and finish.
More recently, last couple of years she has had 0 interest in sex or even anything physical. I mean I can barely kiss her, cant touch her at all without some excuse that it tickles or some other BS. No cuddling as she says I always pressure for sex, BS, I love foreplay and am happy with mutual getting off. I have mentioned the lack of intimacy, mentioning that is had been months since we did anything and it is always some excuse or a suggestion it may happen this weekend (going on 20+ " this weekend" without anything) . She has almost every excuse in the book as to why she doesn't want to without really having a good reason. She will blame her back bugging her but will then do a lot of work that is physically punishing, especially to someone with back issues and despite the fact that I said I would do it or try to help. I have also gotten several different things to help, wedge pillow to help with her back, tried it once and had some random complaint that I forget. She had mentioned trying a swing so she could have support in different positions. I found several options and she then made excuses about all of them, the primary one being support for the swing. I eventually called her on this being BS when the new house we got had a chain mount in one of the bedrooms ( looked like it was possibly for a heavy punching bag) that would be perfect for a swing and I tested it holding my full weight. I again mentioned getting a swing to make things better to only get additional excuses.
Further Issues:
We had always talked about wanting to move back to California and get a house there when we had the chance. We had also talked about houses we would like and things like that. When we started seriously talking about getting a house, she said she would check with work ahead of time about being able to move to another state as we had discussed, she did not. I don't think she even talked to her boss about it. She just refused to move outside of this state as she said her job required her to be her even though her boss lives in a completely different country.
When the time actually came to find and buy a house it did not work out the way I guess I had expected. Eventually, we purchased a house here after several fights as she decided she wanted a cheaper house to fix up. Not even considering the amount of work and money it would take to do so. One of her "options" was a run down ranch house that had a surprise renter (9 months left on a lease) in a very obviously water damaged basement. She picked out this house so she continued to try to justify buying it for about 100k over what it should be sold for. After about a week of looking at shitty houses and fighting she finally agreed to look at one of the houses I had chosen, the house we eventually purchased. It was a bit more but had almost all of our wants without the need to fix it up.
For the purchase, she provided the down payment from her inheritance and jointly financed the house. Once the purchase was finished and we moved in she changed, a lot. Things became more about what she wanted, she would mention things to me but completely ignore any input and just talk like what she wanted is what I chose too. Her dad then decided to visit and this was the largest wake up call I think I have had. I saw him doing all of the things that she does that annoy and frustrate me. I then realized that if I stay with her, dealing with this is my future. He took over the house and she treated me like an asshole for just wanting a bit of space that I could have to myself. She refused to deal with him or reign in his behavior. I think it was around this time that I realized that it felt like I didn't even have a home even though we just bought one, that I was just a wallet to help pay bills.
We ended up having a fight about this and I ended up leaving and staying at a hotel for a few days. This is where it got really eye opening as I considered this fight as something we would think about and get over. However, the first thing she did was talk to her friend and then reach out to divorce lawyers. She mentioned that she was talking to them about post nuptials to make sure she got the house and money. This was a signal to me, that she did not consider nor seem to appreciate all of the years that I spent working jobs I hated to supplement our income and cover for her while she went back to school. All it seemed she saw was that she got money now so the house and all of it was hers. She made a comment about how she felt the money, stocks, and house were hers. She added that she wanted a post nuptial to define this so I shouldn't be surprised if I get one to sign. Unsurprisingly, she never actually got this done, never mentioned it more so I am assuming she just got lazy and never followed up. One thing that stood out to me was that she mentioned that she could not afford the house by herself. She rambled off several things about us just being roommates and me continuing to pay for the house and bills. She came up with something about me paying and her giving me money back later or something, I ignored most of it as it was dumb, I.E. me leaving my checks going into our shared account and continuing to pay like I have been but doing so knowing she plans on keeping the house and that I might get some money later if she ever sold it. She also made a comment that I did a good job with the stocks so I should keep doing that for her and she would give me like a 1k in a few years. Since I started working with the portfolio and diversified the stocks I have made over 40k in gains for it so yeah I ignored this as I felt like it was insulting. This whole fight and conversation hit me hard, especially after 15+ years of me working hard, shitty jobs, to provide for us just to get slapped in the face by greed.
We ended up talking a bit after that fight after I ended up stopping by the house. She had mentioned previously about going to marriage counseling. I told her I didn't think it would help with our situation considering what the issues were but if she was willing to go and actually participate, I would be too. We ended up seeing a marriage counselor as she had suggested it previously and I wanted to try everything to make this work. I had previously mentioned that I didn't think it would work as she refuses to open up or discuss her issues with anyone and if she wont do that, it is a moot point. She said she would so we found a counselor and we went for a couple of months. During this time I was very open about my thoughts and feelings and gave the counselor details on my issues. She however, did not provide anything ahead of time, participate much, would not open up, and eventually said that we might as well not go as she didn't feel like we were gaining anything.
Turning Point:
I think the f*ck it point, straw that broke the camels back for me is that about a month ago, around 10 months or so since we had any kind of intimacy we had a fight. During the fight she admitted that she actually masturbates fairly regularly which really, really pissed me off as she knows the lack of sex and any kinds of intimacy was a big issue for me and was causing a lot of frustration. I was quiet about it as what I would have said would have started a big fight. I am now struggling because I cant really get over the fact that she shows me no interest, wont let me touch her, we haven't had sex in months and she admits to masturbating instead of having sex with me when she knows I am extremely sexually frustrated. To me, this shows her lack of caring about me and shows that she only really cares about herself and what she wants. This is furthered by conversations with her family I have overheard because she talks super loud on the phone and I guess she didn't realize I could hear her in the other room. This last conversation was essentially her talking about the money again and additional money she may get when her dad passes. She made the comment to them that in hindsight she would have made me sign a prenup as all of the money she has gotten and will get belongs to their family and she wants to keep it in their family. This was another moment when I was like what the hell, I am not your family?
I am torn, I have been with her for a long time, I do care for her, but she shows no interest in being with me. No interest in a relationship, doesn't want to do things together (she even said that if I want her do more things with me I have to do things she wants to do first), nothing for how I feel, what I want, no cuddling, no touching, nothing. It came down to the fact that she essentially wants a roommate that pays for her to have the house, help with chores, and helps take care of the dogs without expecting anything in return. She does not seem to get how she is, care how I feel, what I want, or really care about anything that does not benefit her.
I am at my breaking point, I have tried for years to give her everything and now as thanks, I get nothing from her. I am getting to old to keep wasting time in a loveless, sexless relationship but am also having a hard time walking away from a relationship I have been in for so long. After writing this out I am also realizing, well more wondering, what the f*ck I am doing as it seems pretty obvious I am bailing water out of a sinking boat.

Located in CA
I took my 9 yr old lab Ivy to the vet for an emergency visit in the beginning of March. Our regular vet couldn’t take her so we had to go to the 24/7 animal hospital. They are excellent and I was willing to pay for whatever they needed to do to help ivy.
She had been very obviously sick and in pain, puking, diarrhea, not wanting to eat. They did an ultrasound, blood panel, urinalysis, fluids, meds. They found elevated liver enzymes and ketones in her urine. She was so sick they wanted to hospitalize her overnight. I asked what they would be doing and they said monitoring. I asked if I could just monitor her myself at home and bring her back right away if she gets worse? They gave me a couple prescriptions and sent us home. -$1729
I didn’t realize until the next day they didn’t give us any pain meds or anything to help Ivy’s eating (I’d tried seriously all the bland diet options, she didn’t want any of it) I went back to get her pain meds and prescription food, and the girl says they forgot to charge me for something else so she added that on too. -$150
Ivy was getting better slowly but still not her normal happy self at all. Sad, droopy eyes, wanting to sit curled up in my lap like a baby 😭 I kept doing everything they said and I took her back about a month later to check her levels again. We saw the vet, then went back out to the busy lobby to wait until someone came out to tell me the results or medications or whatever. So I sat in the lobby and waited, I asked a few times for updates bc I needed to get back to work. After 3 hours I asked if they could check and see what was going on.
There was another dog named Ivy there that morning and the receptionist closed out MY Ivy’s account (and charged the other lady’s card -$566 of my charges). I was annoyed and paid my bill (non-itemized invoice bc she couldn’t find mine) and Ivy and I went straight to work. Ivy is my service dog and sleeps under my desk.
They said the liver enzymes and urine ketone levels were both back to a normal level which was great news. They still couldn’t really give me a clear answer as to what could’ve caused all of this, sometimes they eat things, or just get sick, whatever. She said a slow recovery was normal bc livepancreas stuff is unpredictable, painful, and can take a while to heal.
The hospital’s office called me the next day to apologize for making me wait so long and reimbursed $316 (the liver panel, I think, I don’t have an itemized invoice). They offered this without me asking which I really appreciated.
Ivy has still been sick, but definitely better than when I first took her in. She was still acting sad, no interest in her favorite things. I knew she was in pain and brought her to a different vet last week.
Dr.S had been Ivy’s vet most of her life at our regular vet’s office - we love him. He left and started his own practice,and I just found his new location is 15 minutes away from my house!! It was kind of secretive when he left the other place, I think out of respect for the owners and not take half the clients with him. Anyway, I was really happy to find him again, I fully trust him. He was Ivy’s vet at her 8-week old visit, did her spay, all of it. Ivy is scared of men she doesn’t know and she loves Dr. S.
He took a look in her mouth and was like Whoa! Found it! He saw one badly rotten and cracked tooth in the back and wanted to get scheduled for removal right away. I bought the senior wellness plan for -$998. I was quoted $1200-1600 for surgery. (He was also going to remove a large benign mass from her side since she’d be under anesthesia already, I’d been wanting to do this for a few years so this is something I wanted him to do also)
This Tuesday was surgery day. He ended up removing 3 teeth, a molar on each side, and a front tooth that was cracked and broken off (I knew about this, I’d been told it wasn’t anything to be concerned about).
He said one of the molars and the front tooth both had exposed roots, the back one had an abscess and the root was touching the bone. He asked if I wanted the pictures bc it was really interesting and you don’t usually see it so advanced 😞 He said this is definitely what has been hurting her and making it hard to eat. He said they must have not looked in Ivy's mouth at all if they didn’t notice it- twice??
He didn’t have enough time to remove the mass. He said he wasn’t comfortable keeping her under any longer due to her age and blood pressure levels. Unless it grows rapidly we’re leaving it for now.
-$350 for everything this day, including surgery time & anesthesia, full dental cleaning & sealant,office visit, sedated nail trim, medications, canned soft food, heart worm testing, some other stuff included with the senior wellness package.
It’s been two days since she got her teeth out and she’s already smiling again. She was jumping around and trying to play with her brother (cat) and she only does that when she’s really excited!! Ivy is the best dog I could ever ask for. Seeing her in pain has been so hard, because I couldn’t help her!! I was trying everything but it wasn’t working. I’m so glad we found it and I think she will be able to get better now. I wasn’t so sure for awhile there.
I called the hospital place and told them what I found out and asked what happened. How could they have missed this- TWICE? The girl was really nice and agreed this was a “very valid concern” and asked me to explain everything to her and she would talk to the medical director, try to get some answers for me, and get back to me. She asked what I wanted the resolution to be. I said I thought it would be appropriate to ask for all of my charges to be refunded in relation to this event over the past couple months including Dr. S’s charges.
She called me back when I was at dinner so I missed her call.
Is this right? I don’t know what I’m looking for, feedback, reassurance, guidance? This is malpractice, right??
I talked to Dr.S’s receptionist today, she’s going to send me the photos and a breakdown of charges between the wellness plan and what I had done, try to make sense of what would be appropriate to ask them to refund. I kinda also want to ask them for $200 flat to reimburse the food/groceries spent trying to get her to eat, literally anything I could try on her bland diet, I tried! I don’t have receipts but I know I spent a shit ton of money as Ivy’s short order cook the last couple months. (Today she scarfed down her regular food for the first time in forever, I cried). Is this pushing it too far? Should I just take whatever they offer me?
What about the fact Ivy spent 2 1/2 months in pain & suffering from the time I brought her in to the day Dr. S did her surgery? She has lost weight, and has been pretty obviously miserable the whole time.
Thanks for reading.

Recently, my grandfather passed away, and it's been one of the toughest experiences of my life. Dealing with grief is already overwhelming, but what's making it even harder is feeling distant from my girlfriend.
We had a misunderstanding about plans, and despite my attempts to clarify and apologize, she's been distant for hours. I understand everyone copes differently, but it's really hurting me to feel like we're drifting apart, especially when I need support the most.
I've tried expressing my feelings and offering support, but she's still keeping her distance. It's a painful reminder of how fragile relationships can be, especially during times of grief.
I know I need to give her space to process her own feelings, but it's so hard to feel disconnected from someone I care about deeply. Has anyone else gone through something similar? How did you cope with feeling distant from your partner during tough times?

“Incredible!”
The rebel reeled from the punch, the fist slamming through his protective helmet and cracking his jaw. He choked out a sob at the pain and the feeling of several of his teeth being knocked down his throat.
“This? This is what you send to try and rebel against the Imperium?! THIS?!”
A harsh kick was sent into the rebels stomach, making him cough up the rations he had that morning and a few of the once missing teeth. He grabbed his stomach and his body made to tilt forward and lay in the dust.
Only he was stopped as an armored gauntlet grabbed him by the throat and forced him to stand. His hands came up and grabbed at his attackers wrist as he stared into his own grim reaper.
Said killer wore the helmet of the Macraggian Auxilia, his faceplate being that of a stylized skull. His rank was shown proudly in the form of a centurions plum, blue and white horsehair picked out atop a gilded mount on the top of his helmet.
“Incredible. It’s truly incredible what passes for rebellion these days hm?”
The soldiers behind the centurion laughed or smiled as they watched their leader hoist the rebel up as if the rebel was some game beast that was just recently hunted. Pressure in the form of steam shot out of the centurions wrist, betraying the hidden augmented limb under the armor. The rebel tried to speak, scratching at the Centurion’s arm.
“What? Speak up damn you, and speak clearly. I have no time or patience to hear some long speech about tyranny or whatever else. We have your city to burn insurgent.”
And burn it would. Two large tanks with massive flamers could be seen in the back, protected by infantry and assault vehicles. The main force would break the walls, the infantry would kill the people, and the tanks would burn the rest to ashes.
“Aghh….thill….you….thasard!”
The rebel said, spitting blood and bone fragments from his shattered jaw through what was left of his faceplate.
“Ah. Nothing interesting to say. Oh well.”
The rebel tried in vain to speak again but was silenced as the centurion forced a power gladius through his mouth. He was then unceremoniously dropped to the dust, choking on blood as he watched the Macraggian soldiers march on his home. The last thing he saw before dying was his killer, taking his helmet off and smiling in a wide, cocky manner. ————————————————————————
“Don’t spare the body men, he was a rebel. March over him.”
Tiberius Victor, Centurion of the 3rd Macraggain Legion, yelled as he wiped the grim that had built up over his helmet. He scowled at the filth that adorned his armor and sighed.
“Bloody rebels will pay for more than just rebellion. Look at this! They scratched my faceplate! And that bastard I just killed dared to spit blood at me! Oh they will pay tenfold.”
He chuckled and shrugged as he replaced his helmet. He rolled his head and drew the lapistol he had holstered at his side. He examined it for a moment before shaking his head.
“Ugh….to easy.”
He holstered the pistol again and flourished his gladius as he grabbed the handholds of a Leman Russ tank that was about to pass him by. He climbed up until he stood on top of the tank and crouched down, using his newfound height to look over his army and the objective.
The city was massive….but so were the last three he had burned. Both Imperial Army and even Ultramarine Legion Command had told him he was too far ahead and that he needed to slow down. But where was the fun in that? Besides, the campaign has been far too easy thus far. He had suffered very few casualties, his men were never hungry and his tanks never ran dry on fuel, and the enemy bled. Oh how they bled.
He sighed.
“Easy. Far too easy. Captain?”
The command hatch the tank he rode popped open and a woman in the dirty coveralls and goggled helmet of a tank commander. She looked around, rubbing her eyes before turning and smiling widely. She gave a crisp salute, one which he lazily returned, before nodding.
“Aye my Centurion?”
“Do we have any more wine about? I’m parched from all these victories we keep piling on.”
The captain cringed then turned towards the city.
“Uh….my centurion? Wouldn’t you rather have some water?”
Tiberius turned his head towards the captain, the tilt of his head betraying the cocky smile hidden beneath that the captain and the rest of the army had come to love and hate.
“Captain….are you questioning me?”
“I-no! No, of course not my centurion! But uh….well….”
He made a ‘go on’ motion with his hand, not bothering to stand up from the relaxed position he had taken. He had laid down on his side, his sword hand having sheathed his gladius to prop his head up.
“Well….shouldn’t uh….shouldn’t wine be saved for victory?”
The centurion stared at her for a moment. A very long moment. Perhaps….to long of a moment.
“I….I apologize my centurion! I will-“
Laughter. The centurion was laughing, something he rarely did outside of combat or when around the campfires at night. He laughed loudly and caught the attention of several other Auxilia soldiers.
“True! Haha! I knew I kept you around for something Captain. Fine, me and you shall share the first bottle of wine after that….excuse for a city burns. Return to your duties captain.”
He waved the captain off then turned his head back to the city, not moving out of his relaxed position. She knew better then to consider him lazy or incompetent, she had seen him in action.
She saluted and quickly went back down into her tank. ————————————————————————
He held his helmet in the crook of his arm. He breathed in deeply, smiling as he watched the city burn. Something grabbed his boot and looked down, only to scowl in disgust.
A woman, her lower half aflame with one leg missing, held onto his boot and shin guard.
“Please….mercy! We surrender!”
He raised an eyebrow and followed the trail the rebel left in the dust to see several more wounded and scared rebels. One held up a white rag on a piece of rebar as a white flag.
Several of his auxilia aimed their rifles at the rebels as a sergeant began to moved forward with a pair of restraints.
He was stopped by Tiberius’s sword.
“Sergeant? What are you doing?”
“Uh…taking prisoners sir?”
The centurion tilted his head and smiled widely.
“Prisoners? I don’t recall ordering anyone to take prisoners.”
He lifted his boot and stomped on the wounded woman’s head, smiling wickedly at the crunch he heard under his foot.
“Uh….no my Centurion but legion command has-“
“Legion command? You are taking orders from Ultramarines instead of telling me that such orders have come through?”
“There was no time sir! The orders came fro-“
Tiberius put his helmet on and shoved the sergeant to the side, ripping the rifle from the soldiers hands.
“I see no space marines here soldier. I see soldiers and I see rebels. We kill rebels because we are soldiers.”
He took aim at the closest rebel, put his finger on the trigger and-
“Thats enough Centurion.”
He stopped. He slowly turned his head towards the new, feminine voice behind him.
“Excuse me troo-“
He stopped again and stared. She had to have been 10 feet or at least close, this goddess in blue and gold. Her short, cropped hair was golden blonde and a green, metallic laurel wreath was wrapped around her head to add to her noble features. She came with several ultramarines as an honor guard in tow but he was sure she could handle anything thrown her way with ease.
“The Lady of Macragge.”
He whispered in awe before looking around. Those under his command had shared his awe but where he shook himself free, the rest still stared.
“Damn you all, our Lady is here! Bow damn you! All of you bow!”
He paced up and down the line, ensuring his auxilia bowed. He then turned towards the rebels and pointed at the guards who stood over them.
“Them too, cmon now. Bow!”
The rebels resisted the guards orders and movements. The centurions rage grew as he stormed over and pulled his gladius from its sheath.
“I command thee BOW.”
He sliced the back of the knees of one of the captives, the man yelping in pain before yelling in agony from his nearly cut tendons. The rest fell in line quickly.
Tiberius marched towards the Primarch, her honor guard bringing their weapons to bare only for him to kneel down and stab his gladius into the dirt.
“My Lady. Centurion Tiberius Victor of the 3rd Macraggian Legion reporting.”
The Primarch stared down at the Centurion before her eyes went up and around. She took note of the rather large number of prisoners and the burning cityscape around them.
“A good campaign Centurion?”
Tiberius nodded, smiling widely under his helmet.
“Yes my Lady. I only wish it weren’t so boring, so easy! But it is done.”
It took every ounce of self control to not scowl at his arrogant and cocky nature. He spoke as if he had stomped on a bug rather than a rebels skull. Yet….something about him caught her attention.
“Remove your helm centurion.”
He did so without delay, removing his helmet and setting it at her feet. His hair was cut in the traditional military ‘high and tight’ fashion and he was mostly clean cut save for a well trimmed mustache that went no further than the corners of his mouth.
“I recall telling my command staff to recall you back as you had pushed to far ahead. Yet we stand here at the city we were meant to take, the one we were meant to hold. The one….that is currently burning to ashes around us. What do you have to say for yourself Centurion?”
He said nothing for a long time. Then, to her surprise, he laughed. The auxilia around them slowly looked at each other, their faces hidden beneath their helmets but all were worried or tense.
“Hahah! Ah….I say mission accomplished my Lady. I also say that this light really brings out the color of your eyes.”
He laughed again and slowly stood up while extending his arms out wide.
“I say I give you the best gift this galaxy can offer to someone like you from someone like me.”
His smile grew into the same cocky, full of himself grin those under his command knew so well.
“I give you victory, my Lady Juno.”
He held his gladius up and flourished it, letting the blade catch the firelight of a dying city.
“Victory.”