TLDR: Nannying is a very hard job. There would probably be a lot more nannies who work as hard as one needs to do this job well if the pay matched the value and difficulty of the work.
I’ve been pretty active in this sub lately because I’ve been feeling unhappy at my job and it helps to have a community. I wrote this a while ago and have been nervous to post it but I think it’s important. I saw a post in nannyemployers asking where all of the “good” nannies have gone and this was the response I was writing until I realised the replies were to be from NP only.. I would post in the nanny employers sub if I weren’t terrified of the response. I know I’m singing to the choir here and I know saying it out loud doesn’t change much. But I am so, so angry, so imma just send it.
As a nanny who has two college degrees, practices Montessori, Reggio Emilia, and RIE, and as someone who has always loved and wanted to work with kids, there simply is not enough money in this career path to stick to it. I personally simply cannot rationalise doing the amount of physical and emotional work that is required for me to do this job as well as I want to for the typical pay, even though I absolutely love it.
For my background, experience, and approach, I am in a severely underpaid position (even when disregarding my qualifications it would still be severely underpaid.) Because of my personal and financial situation at the time of my job search, I did not have the luxury to wait for a unicorn family to offer me the salary I was looking for. I found a family that was a good fit and accepted the position even though I felt it was very much underpaid. I am now in a position where I am continuously battling wanting to work as hard as I can for these kids and this family, and realising I can’t break my back for them while being this underpaid (I mean I literally threw my back out during this job). I’m not someone who breaks a commitment easily but I guess I could move from family to family, waiting to find one who is able to financially respect the value of this work, or I could stick it out and get $2/hr raises every year, but I can’t wait 10 years to finally get close to being paid what I know a proper nanny is worth. Yes there certainly are some nanny employers who properly respect this work and are able to financially meet it’s value, but in my experience they are few and far between. I have found that the overwhelming majority of nannies are severely underpaid and overworked.
Nannies are asked to have flexible schedules, work long hours, take on a laundry list of responsibilities, develop personal emotional relationships with children that aren’t theirs while keeping a professional distance, pay for and organise their own continued training, be emotionally and socially engaged with children all day long, and more. But above all, the most important aspect of nannying is managing our stress is such a way that allows us to stay in an executive state of functioning all day every single day. People deeply underestimate and undervalue the amount of hard and constant work it takes to keep oneself in an executive state of functioning day in and day out, especially in a high stress position where you are helping other people regulate their bodies all day on top of yours, AND are constantly sick and tired and being pushed and tested. I think that this ability is what makes the difference in a “good” nanny and is often the most overlooked, misunderstood, and undervalued aspect of the job responsibilities.
I want to be a good nanny, it’s my dream job to be the best nanny there is, and I used to think that I could accept being in an undervalued role because “it takes a village” and I wanted to do my part and this was my passion. But it doesn’t feel good to be undervalued financially and socially, in fact it feels really really bad, and this is why I will no longer be pursuing a career as a nanny. Even if I found my unicorn position, it wouldn’t change the fact that the overwhelming majority of my nanny peers are still underpaid and undervalued, and that doesn’t feel good. It makes me want to leave, and I think all of the other underpaid nannies should leave too. (We need a union or something, is this a thing?)
The market is oversaturated and undervalued. Not everyone needs a nanny now that quarantine is over (a full-time nanny, not babysitter or after school care). I have both worked at a preschool and as a nanny and I have found that a setting with multiple children of similar age is far better developmentally for a child than spending most of their time with a single adult and a sibling or two, even for young babies. I think a healthy mix of a daycare setting and family time at home is probably best but can be the most difficult to achieve with the current work culture. This is no one’s fault, the overworking culture is a burden of late stage capitalism that we all face. However, it is the burden of the parents to solve their work/life balance. This is a very big part of what one signs up for when becoming a parent. It is not the burden of the nanny to work more for less or the children to miss being with their parents (I’d say two doctor NP are pretty much the only ones who’d get a pass here).
It’s no one person’s fault that nannies are financially undervalued, the value of personal childcare and domestic work has a long saturated history fraught with misogyny and racism. Have you compared the average wage of a plumber (male dominated domestic work) to that of a nanny (female dominated domestic work)? And don’t tell me plumbing requires more training or is harder than nannying, I assure you they are of comparable difficulty especially considering there’s no step by step instructions on YouTube for nannying. (And if you do consider plumbing to be that much hard than nannying, what do you think gives you that perception? I mean as a parent, one should know that nannying absolutely is not just playing with kids all day, even if that’s all you ask your nanny to do. What subconscious bias could be giving you the perception that bringing up children is less difficult and of less value than screwing pipes together? Have you taken a race or gender studies class? Have you seen The Help? Don’t answer, just think.)
Plumbers make average $28/hr in the states, mechanics $26, for nannies it’s $20 (and that’s being generous). That’s a ¢70 on the dollar comparison. It is time we all realise that nannying is an underpaid and undervalued role and work to change that. If the wage being offered across the board better matched the value of the work, I think one would find a lot more serious nannies and a lot more current nannies taking the job more seriously.
I didn’t get it at first, why so many nannies at the park seemed so burnt out and disinterested in the kids. Oh boy do I get it now. I want nothing more than to do my best in this role, but in the past few months after nearly being stiffed by NP, not receiving a bonus from them when I really thought I would, and overall realising I am being taken advantage of and am a human mine to them, I have realised that I can no longer put my all into this job for my own health and sanity. Being properly compensated is the primary motivating aspect of all work especially in the society we are a part of. After loosing my sense of respect from NP, I’ve lost most of the non-financial motivation I started out with and am left with what little motivation my petite pay check gives me, and the kids can tell.
Since my fallout with NP, I have pulled back emotionally from the kids. I’m not mean and I am still doing every responsibility in my contract to the letter (and then some still), but I am no longer as emotionally available to them as I was. I am shorter and more curt with them, I don’t take as much time with them to sit and talk about every feeling they have, and I’m not working as hard to help them break the bad habits NP give them that NP specifically ask me to break (one example - NP want NK to walk everywhere with me but then always use the stroller with NP and every time we go out it’s a fight to use the stroller or not. Guess who’s been using the stroller far more often lately). Anyway, the past week my NK 3f has been quietly crying before her nap and I’m sure it’s because she’s felt me pull away from her. It’s breaking my heart and I’ve been trying to give her extra cuddles, but I have to protect myself first now. This is a job and these aren’t my kids and I can no longer rationalise putting them first emotionally especially considering I am burnt TF out, torn down, and left feeling used up and tossed aside without any recognition or proper thanks from NP.
I don’t know what the perfect number is, the number I would say many NP would probably think is too high, and maybe they’re not looking for a nanny who works as hard as I and others do. But I can tell you that $17/hr before taxes in a VHCOL area does not even come close to close. I think we can all easily recognise that the financial value of this job needs to better match the value of the work, in general and across the board. We’re talking about the people caring for and raising the future generations here, I mean how is this not the most coveted role in our society?
This is my Roman Empire and I will die on this hill every. single. time.

Hi I just came across a novel, chosen by the moon novel by izabella W. Its on pay by chapter websites, I've opened and read a few chapters but I can't seem to find any free version or chapter version anywhere. Please help. If anyone has read it I'm willing to take spoilers. Here's the advert I found below of it on Facebook.
Lycanthrope species is a disgusting race. And I, Delan Riley, am nothing more than a human scum in their eyes never expected those species would turn my world upside down. Since when the lycans managed to penetrate our town, like in the early 1900's we have a hierarchy, upper class = the lycans, middle class = mated humans, and lower class = the normal humans, who were basically considered scum. I endured their torment day after day, vowing to run away from them one day, until that day came and everything changed.
Dylan POV "Humans," I scowled at the principal's words from tannoy. "The Alpha twins will be celebrating their birthday tomorrow, as such, festivities are in order." Oh great, the Alphas twin children. Adrian and Arya are the worst lycans alive. I swear just because they are the alphas kids they literally get away with everything. If their birthday is tomorrow, then the wolves are going to be worse than ever. "All students will be present to greet them, two lines will be made, with humans on the left and the lycanthrope on the right. Any mated human will be at the front of the line for their year, you will all also be in order of your school year. That is all." Chat broke out the minute the tannoy was finished. "We haven't had a school gathering since the alpha king visited three years ago, before his sons coronation." Nick was right, the last time we all gathered like that was for the king and queens visit, when he decided to let the world know that he was to renounce his title to his only child, son Josh. "That sick bestard, he wants to make sure everyone is there so those idiot twins can find their mates." Yes I was mad, my fists connected with the table in front of me once more as I thought about how disgusting the situation was. You see the twins will be turning 17, so it's very possible someone in our school could be their mate, finding a mate is sacred to a wolf, the minute they say that one word your fate is sealed. They will turn your mind, morph you into being a lover of their kind, and then you'll give in.

That won't happen to me, I'm growing old to see the world as it once was, and I'm going to choose who I'll be with. No one will take that dream away from me.

Once dinner was finished, I just wanted to sleep. I'd had a very long tiring day, I quickly sat down on a small stool my mother kept in the storage closet and removed my shirt while my brother Freddy sat at the table to do his simple homework. It wasn't long before my mother came in with a large bowl of warm salt water and some cotton, this was going to sting I just knew it. She was here to help me with the wounds caused by wolves yesterday. She slowly began to unwrap the bandage from around my torso and slowed down drastically when it came to the final layer, I felt it peel off every wound and my fists clenched in pain. "Jesus!" I heard my mom exclaim once the dressing was completely removed. The air on my back was nice though and I sighed as my arm covered my once again exposed brests. "This is more than 15!" I began to hear sniffles coming from her and sighed turning round to look at her face, only to notice tears streaming down it. "Mom I'm fine, it's alright." She shook her head. "It's not alright, I'm your mother I shouldn't let these things happen. I'm so sorry. Your father would have..." here she goes again. Every single time something happened she'd always bring up dad, it really annoyed me because no matter how much we all wish he was here, he just isn't. My father was kiled by THEIR kind, almost 5 years ago when they actually managed to take over. When the lycans managed to penetrate our town my father rose up with some people from the neighborhood, to defend our livelihood, it was futile to say the least. We lost many people and I watched as my dad was ripped apart by two fully shifted wolves, I ended up shoting him to stop his suffering before they dragged me to the courtyard, i was the person to receive the first lashing of the town when I was 12! The wolves have been pretty strict with me since that day. "Stop being stvpid!" Was I harsh? Definitely! Did she need to hear it again, absolutely. "Dad is dead, we don't know what he'd do because he never knew this life. He never knew this world." I know what he'd have done, most likely attacked the guy who held the whip and got himself kiled in the process. "The best thing you can do for me, is stop crying and help me, next time don't insist on helping if you can't handle it." She began to wash my open wounds with the warm salt water causing loud winces to leave me, I knew it was necessary to prevent infection, but my god it hurt like a betch. "Some of these are really deep Dylan!" She sniffed again and my eyes rolled in my head. "I told you, I'm fine, just wrap me back up so I can get to bed." My mom was obviously more impacted by my injuries than I was, I suppose that always the case though. When it's happening to you, you've just got to get through it but when it's happening to someone you love, you just want to take their pain away. She quickly placed a fresh bandage around my waist and chest and wrapped it tightly for compression. The bowl of water that was used was now red in color, I guess from the blood my back was dripping with. "Can you keep your head down please? At least just this week. You can't take any more lashings." I simply nodded before standing up away from the stool, I walked over to Freddie and ruffled his hair in affection. "Good night squirt." He giggled and fixed his hair slightly. "Night Dilly." I smiled walking upstairs to my little bedroom, as soon as I was inside i shut the door and flopped down on to my bed on my stomach and I took a minute to cry to myself at the pain in my back, what my mom did was important but it hurt, not that I'd ever tell her. My hand covered my mouth quickly to muffle any noise I might be making. I couldn't tell anyone, I had to be strong because more and more people were crumpling these days, and my mom would break if she knew how much I was suffering. Sleep followed me shortly after, she was right though about me needing to keep my head down for the time being, I could not take another lashing! After a long night and an even longer morning, we were all finally stood in the hallway at school waiting for the twins to arrive. "Mine!" Everyone that was stood in the hallway tensed up, as we were seniors, me and Nick were stood towards the very back of the human line. All the mated people were situated directly opposite their wolf mates in their years. We stayed silent and still as Arya walked down the hall and stopped directly in front of Nick. His eyes widened in fear, unsure of wether to look up or keep his head lowered. "Look me in the eye, mate." He glanced at me slightly as if asking what he should do. "I said, look me in the eye." He slowly moved his eye line up to look at her face. I took a glance myself to see her eyes pitch black with lust. "I... can't... I mean... erm." Before he was able to mutter anything else, two wolves from opposite, grabbed him out of the line and dragged him behind Arya. "Hey!" My head shot up before I could stop myself. My mouth also forgot its place as I jumped out of line. Everyone's head shot to me as my eyes widened in realization at what I'd done. Adrian, the other twin, walked up to me before punching me right in the stomach, I doubled over instantly. Feeling the sting in my slightly healed back. "I know you... You were publicly flogged only two days ago." God I hate this guy. "I also have it on good authority, that you openly spoke out against our rules and regulations in yesterday's class." My head shot down the line slightly to see Erin, looking a little frightened, her mate, the beta to be was looking at her, nodding his head in reassurance. "You traitor, you grassed on your own kind?" I yelled at her before feeling a fist connect with my cheek. My head whipped to the side from the force, while my class members gasped. I'm so done with this treatment, right then, I wasn't in charge of my actions. My fists curled up and my stance became a lot more defensive. My head snapped up to the alpha to be, and I looked him in the eye. "You don't know the meaning of the word disrespect." I suddenly hurled my fist towards his head, which he easily dodged, but my foot came up and kicked him instead. He stumbled backwards from the force with wide eyes. "You... you Actually hit me!" He didn't even sound annoyed, more shocked. Everyone in the hallway was watching, waiting for the alpha to do something but instead he simply stood up straight, regaining his composure. "I think everyone should get back to class." He began to walk away, following his sister when I called him back. "What about Nick?!" "Simple, He's my sisters mate. He now belongs to her." Argh, he's not an object. "He's not her property." A chuckle left his mouth, before turning his back to me again. "All humans are property." A short while later everyone made it to science class, our teacher Mrs Mathews is mated to the lycans pack doctor, she also now has a four and two year old with him. She was one of the first humans to be cohered into a false relationship. "What were you thinking young lady?" I rolled my head at her before looking at the empty seat next to mine. Nick was with that stvpid wolf girl right now. Being changed, I'm so angry it's ridiculous. "I was thinking, this guy is being a prick. Did you hear him? 'All humans are property.' It's bull shet." I looked up and the whole class looked at me like I had three heads. Talking shet about wolves is one thing, but talking about an alpha is punishable by death, attacking an alpha is an even worse offense. There was then a knock at the door and in walked Erin and her band of mated bestards. "Sorry we're late Mrs." "Erin, how are things between you and bata Monroe?" She blushed, the traitor actually blushed at the mention of his name. "He spoke to me last night about trying for a baby. We need a good strong boy to take over as beta." I scoffed looking at her as she took her seat. "You guys are actually pathetic, why can't it be a girl? Those mutts are basically Neanderthals" I voiced my opinion and saw all the shocked faces around me. Calling the lycans mutts, is the same as them calling us scum. After lesson had ended the entire school was called into the hall for assembly. This is where any human who has been found to have broken the rules were punished, usually 10 lashings were goven out or something similar. "Welcome to the school assembly, congratulations to the alpha twins for finding both your mates. Now on to the business at hand, as the 5 year anniversary of the new world is coming up, we have been informed that the alpha king will be visiting our district next week, this is very exciting news. We want you all to look your absolute best, she wolves and mated females will wear exemplary dresses made by seamstress. Male wolves and mated men will wear tailored suits. Anyone who doesn't comply will be reprimanded." The Alpha King?! No one has met him yet, he took over the throne three years ago when he turned 18. He really didn't make any appearances though, great, this month is going to be a nightmare. "As for the humans, you will be given a new uniform to wear for the visit, these are to be neatly ironed and worn to the highest standard. As for the following humans, based on your attitude this past week, you will be coming to the front and facing punishment. Tony summerset?!" Tony's head shot up as he looked around, he was in the year below but he shared my views when it came to the lycans. He slowly walked up to the front of assembly, almost instantly his top was t0rn in two and he received 10 lashings. A girl named Kara was next and she too received 10 lashings. A few more people went up slowly accepting their fate then suddenly my name was called. "Dylan Riley." Inside I was terrified but I simply shrugged my shoulders, I guess I did kind of expect this. Although I'm not sure if my back can take any more damage. "You attacked an alpha, correct!" His eyes bored into mine as I bowed my head submitting to his authority. "Technically, no." Everyone in the school gym looked on in fear, as my head moved to the front row of the wolf side. Adrian sat, with a werewolf girl in the year below, her name was Jana, I guess he found his mate. Nick and Arya were no where to be seen though. Adrian gave me a shrug as if to say he didn't tell, before smirking at my comment. "He hasn't officially taken the alpha title yet, so he's just..." i looked at the principle and noticed his eyes black and his claws out, he was in what lycans call a half shift, triggered when the subject has become angered. He turned to two security wolves and gave them a nod, Almost immediately i was forced onto my knees, my arm was slammed on a table and held in place by one wolf, while my body was held in place by the other. "Ok, I don't think this is needed, I have alpha blood, a stvpid human girl can't hurt me." My head snapped to Adrian who had stood up in front of the school to stop what was happening. "Nevertheless, humans need to know their place." With that the pressure on my arm increased as our principals hand pulled my sleeve up before a long claw punctured my skin. The searing pain shoting from the fresh wound had my eyes scrunched and my fist clenched, I bit the inside of my cheek hard instantly tasting blood, however no sound left my mouth. He continued to write, using my skin as a canvas and his claws as a marker, it went on forever, my vision blurred slightly at one point as I turned my head away. After minutes of torture, he was done and the pressure on my arm eased, instantly I snatched my arm away, hissing through my teeth at the pain. I was about to scurry off stage, when I was roughly grabbed yet again, my arm being held in the air by the principal while my feet were inches off the floor, blood dripped from the wound and the pattern he had made was on show for everyone to see. Loads of people gasped, even the wolves looked slightly horrified at what had happened. "This is what happens when a human decides to speak out. I can promise, anyone who so much as says one word about our way of life, will have the same punishment." My arm was starting to seriously ache from being held in the air for so long, and the lack of blood flow to my suspended arm was causing me pins and needles, still I refused to make a sound. I held the tears back and I bit my cheek harder causing more blood to fill my mouth. "That's enough Bradley!" Adrian growled, he was still stood up and looking at the scene in front of him. His eyes hard as he stared at the principal a low warning growl erupted from his chest which had the head teacher gulping, he quickly let go of my arm causing me to crash to the floor. A small cry left my mouth as I hit the hard floor. Immediately I scrambled away, my foot just missed the high step leading to the stage and I fell, waiting for the impact of the ground, but it never came. Two strong arms wrapped around me catching my weak body causing me to look up, my eyes widened as I noticed Adrian had caught my falling form. "This isn't part of the human punishment program!" Adrian growled causing me to tense in his grip, I pushed him away from me before fixing my uniform top. The room was deadly silent, taking in the scene in front of them, while I stole a glance at my forearm. Carved into my skin by his devastating claws were two words, words that would most definitely scar my body for life. 'Human scum' "Lessons must be learned, she received lashing merely two days ago, and clearly it had no effect on her." Another growl left Adrian's chest as he stepped on to the stage, I wasn't bothered though, you would think I'd be ashamed but I simply smiled slightly. I fixed my sleeve a little so it wouldn't rub on the fresh wound before speaking. "It doesn't matter," the whole room looked at me shocked by my attitude. "I would rather be labeled human scum, than have any resemblance to your kind. I'm proud of what I am, how many of you can say that?" After my amazing little speech, I walked right down the middle between the humans and lycans and out the door. No more compliance, I'm going to get away with as much as I can without getting into too much bother. There will come a day when the lycans power will fizzle out. When it does I'll be ready, I'll be waiting for the day we take our world back. As for the best part about my plan...

No one can stop me.

"Ouch, not so hard." I seethed as the school nurse cleaned my new wound with antiseptic. "If you had of just kept your mouth shut, this wouldn't have happened." I turned to my right looking out the window at the few clouds that were floating in the blue sky. "Like I said, I'm proud to be human, and now everyone knows what I am." I clenched my fist together as the nurse began wrapping a bandage around my forearm. It had been a good few hours since the incident in the hall, and I had been forced to come to the nurces office after I had tried to clean my wound by splashing it with water from the tap, it also refused to stop bleeding. "You are impossible. Can you please just try and stay out of trouble? For one day, that's all I ask." Our school nurse is a wolf, she's one of them. However she hates the way they treat us mere humans, she thinks we should all just live in peace with equal rights. Like that would ever happen. "All I've done is stay out of trouble, but you are just going to humiliate me anyway, so what's the actual point?" "The pack were discussing a public execution, Dylan. You need to walk on egg shells from now on, not just for you but for your family as well." No ones been publicly executed in over 4 months, I'm flattered they're considering it. They only execute people who they believe are the biggest problems to society. "Well then... I'm flattered." I chuckled, before looking at the patch job. 'Huh, not too shabby.' I quickly stood up from the human nursing station and pulled the sleeve of my shirt down covering the evidence of ever being hurt. "This is serious!" I just gave her a blank look before leaving the room. On the way out I heard her call back to me. "Please just think about it." I gave a clipped nod as I walked away wondering how I'm going to tell my mom about this. Later in the evening... "Dilly why you say that?" Freddie looked up at me with a mouth full of bread. "Don't speak with your mouthful!" My mom scolded him as a bashful blush made its way to his cheeks. "Sowwy mommy." His reply was muffled as he swallowed the last chunk of food. "I said it Freddie, because it's the truth. The wolf race are a pathetic excuse for..." my mom cut me off with an extremely stern look. "Dylan! They have ears everywhere, one more word out of you and it's your room." I scowled, my hatred for the Lycan kind growing stronger as each day passes. "What more can they do to me, lash me? Beat me? Brand me? They've ran out of options." I stated slamming my hands down, then severely regretting it as sharp pain shot though my wound. "What was that?" My head shot to regard my mothers worried expression. Her eyebrows were raised and her eyes were dull and judging as she looked at me. "Nothing, it was nothing." I quickly took my plate in my hand and began to walk to the kitchen. "I'm not really hungry, and I have homework to do!" My mom caught hold of my forearm causing me to drop my plate suddenly, I watched it slowly fall before shattering on the floor. I retracted my arm quickly and turned to Freddie. "Stay there and don't move until it's cleaned up ok sport?" He just nodded with wide eyes, I turned back to my mom and noticed her curious stare on my arm. Her grip shifted to the other side as she turned it around before pulling my sleeve up. The bandage was showing and a bit of blood was seeping though after the wound had been disturbed. "What the hel happened?" My moms eyes widened as she began to fumble with the bandage. Before she could unravel any of it I snatched my arm away. "I had an accident at school. No big." I began to gather the large pieces of the broken plate up ready to put them in the bin. "What did you do Dylan?" She looked at me with pure worry and only then did I realize what the wound must look like to someone who didn't know. "For gods sake! I didn't do it to myself! I got publicly punished at the assembly alright? It's no big deal." Her face dropped instantly and she stepped towards me, causing me to step backwards. "Mom, I'm ok. So back off will you." "What did you do? I've never known them to cut someone's arm as a punishment." Her shock and accusation was evident in her voice and I sighed heavily. "I spoke against the alphas son." I may have hit him too, but I wasn't going to divulge that part to her. "It's not one big cut, mom, it's a brand, 'human scum' carved onto my arm." "They've branded you now too?!" My eyes rolled at her hurt tone as I went to get the dustpan and brush. "You're so much like your father." A sigh left her mouth as she spoke, running a hand through her hair, while I quickly swept up the little pieces of the broken plate. "You've had a new uniform delivered. It's laid out on your bed. Dylan, Please just try and stay respectful in the future, I don't want my daughter to be completely mutilated. Although you're not far off." "Gee, Thanks." I then walked over to my little brother Freddy before blowing a kiss into his neck and hearing him giggle. "So sport, how's school going?" "It's ok." He shrugged before going back to coloring a dinosaur picture in. "Well that's good, stay out of trouble, ok little man?" Heading upstairs and into my room, my thoughts wandered to the permanent graffiti scar very slowly healing on my arm. Disgusting beasts. Think they own the world because they're faster, stronger and can shift. Pah. If you ask me they are not all that.

The second I walked into my room my mouth dropped open. On my bed was some grey pants laid out neatly, which wasn't the surprising part, no, what shocked me was the grey high neck no sleeved button down shirt, every single set of uniform had sleeves except this one. They've done this on purpose those, mutts. They want the world to see my arm and know what a disgusting creature I am. They want the world to know that I, Dylan Riley, am nothing more than 'human scum'.

During the last week, I've been horrible, in class I've been loud in voicing my views, I've insulted at least everyone to some degree, I didn't care about the consequences, and I certainly didn't think about them. I haven't seen Nick at all since he was claimed, and to make matters worse today was the royal visit. Oh yes, werewolves and mated humans alike were spending every waking minute preparing themselves to meet his royal majesty, king of the wolves. Unclaimed Humans however would rather stick pins in their eyes. "Dylan, get down now... you're going to be late." She was right, I was dawdling this morning, I really couldn't be bothered today, I gave myself one last look in the small mirror and sighed when my eyes met my newly uncovered brand. It had bad bruising around the letters, and was still extremely tender to touch, it was definitely healing now though. I made my way down the stairs and came face to face with my mother who was seeing to Freddie, she was helping my brother get his coat on when she turned to me. "You ready sport?" Freddie nodded his little head at me and smiled while I quickly slid my shoes on. "Just Remember, the alpha is bad enough, Dylan, please, please don't do anything to anger the king." My mother stopped us from walking out the door to tell me something she had been telling me continuously for the last couple of days, it was almost as if the entire human population of our district was expecting me to do something stvpid. "Try and have a good day." I rolled my eyes but nodded, even I know not to push the king, he could kil me in the hallway like it was nothing. In fact I plan on staying out of his way for the entirety of the day. "We will see you tonight mom." I stated before me and my brother began our walk to school, his little hand clutched my own tightly as we went. Usually Nick would be with us, as he lives next door, well he used to, now he's residing in the main pack house. I quickly dropped Freddie off at his school and watched him get the wolfsbane neutralizer before walking into him building giving me a small wave before he went in. With my new scar on complete show, and my figure being complimented by the skin tight shirt I was wearing, I sauntered down the street to school, I gave my name and year in and took the wolf's bane neutralizer injection with no problems at all. It was finally getting into school that the problem occurred. Walking through the halls I was met by many looks, some of pity some of disgust. You see every single non mated human in the school was wearing a long sleeved version of the uniform I was given. All the Wolves and mated couples were scattered around in fancy floor length dresses or tailored suits. As I turned the corner I noticed a couple, now this couple happened to catch my eye the most out of all of them because it consisted of Arya and Nick, eating each other's faces off. "What the hel!" Nicks head shot to me as his eyes widened. He too was dressed in a tailored suit, a navy blue tie hung on his neck to match Aryas dress. Why was this happening all the time? It's always my friends that get completely brain washed. I shook my head in disbelief before turning my back on him. I heard his fast footsteps behind me as I rounded the corner. "Dylan?!" He ran right in front of me, stopping me in my tracks, making me drop my bag off my shoulder and almost causing me to bump into him. "Let me just explain..." "Has she marked you?" I mean you could almost see it in his eyes, she had marked him, and knowing the way life goes he's probably even mated with her. "Actually... Don't even answer that." I aggressively picked my bag up off of the floor and stormed off down the hall. "Dylan, just listen to me, Erin was right, it's so hard to resist your soulmate, and Arya is actually ok once you get to know her." I just kept walking, he caught up to me walking beside me but it didn't matter, I completely ignored everything and everyone. 'I'm so not in the mood today' getting into class was good though, I said hello to Mr Foley and took my usual seat. Nick sighed then took his bag off ready to sit next to me, but I snapped before he had the chance. "Traitors and mated idiots sit on that side of the room." I didn't look him in the eye as I pointed to a seat right at the front of the classroom on the opposite side. His eyes widened as he turned his attention back to me. "You can't be serious Dylan." I gave him a blank look before grabbing my book out of my backpack, I placed it on the desk then began to write the date on the top line. "I've sat in this seat for as long as I can remember." I ignored him, his voice sounded sad and shocked. "Dylan? Wait! What is that?!" Before I could react Nick had grabbed hold of my branded arm and turned it to see the letters. "Oh my God! What happened?" I snatched my arm away from him and shrugged as I continued to write in my book before grabbing my water bottle out of my bag. "The principal happened, it was my punishment for speaking out against Adrian and Arya. I wear it with pride." He just held a complete look of disbelief. "You spoke out against them?" I shrugged, what did he think I'd do. "It's no secret that I despise this stvpid new world and the mutts that control it. You were my friend, I wasn't going to let them just take you without saying something, although that is exactly what you seem to have done. Enjoy the view from your new seat!" "Don't be like that, Dylan, I'm your best friend, I'm sorry about your arm, but..." my eyes rolled inside my head at my friends words. "Anything with the word 'but' in, isn't an apology, it's a rationalization." I took a drink of water from my bottle and kept my eyes facing forward, ignoring his every attempt to try and talk to me. "Dylan?.. Dylan?... Do you know what? Erin is right, if you push us all away you won't have any friends left." He huffed before walking over to the empty seat and sitting down, I could feel him glancing up at me every now and again but I didn't respond. "Good morning class, please settle down." He looked at me then at Nick and frowned, we've never sat apart, we were friends before the new world even began. I just shook my head telling him to forget it. "So... as you know the king will be arriving in a short while, but until then lessons will go on as normal." Its funny seeing teachers in the same uniform your wearing, mr Foley and his wife are the coolest. Human teachers and doctors only have slightly more respect than we do. Because of Mr Foley's status him and his wife have better access to food and drink, Mrs Foley is cool, sometimes she even makes sure mr Foley brings some in for me. Ya know, coz I'm their favorite student. It's not in a weird way, it's just they were friends of the family before the new wold took effect. Mr Foley and my dad were buddies from high school, so it goes without sayin really. "All the mated humans will be at the front of each years line again, after that you will all be placed in status, Nick, as your mated to Alpha Arya, you'll be at the front of your line. Dylan as you have been branded..." his voice trailed off as he looked at me. "Yeah yeah, I'll be at the back of the line behind everyone. I get it." I huffed, moving my sight towards the window once more. "I am sorry." I turned to face Mr Foley again, he looked genuinely upset and that look of pity wasn't something I wanted to see. I gave him a clipped nod then turned away again. "Anyway, on to the subject matter, 'Of Mice and Men, page 64, Nick why don't you start us off with the reading."

"Of course sir." Nick began reading the book but I switched off, today is going to be a long day. After almost an hour and a half of reading comprehension, the bell chimed signaling lunch. I shot up and out of the classroom before anyone could say anything. Today, I was avoiding drama like the plague.

I wandered the corridors straight to the lunch hall. All the people I would normally hang out with we're all mated so I grabbed my lunch quickly, and sat down at the end of the human table. Let me lay the lunch hall out for you. On one side of the room you have two long rows of tables, with simple benches that make it look like prison, on the other side of the room you have multiple round tables with fancy chairs. Yup you get it. The humans sit at the prison tables and the wolves and traitors sit on the fancy tables, they get fancy food, fancy drink and most importantly they get pudding. what I would give to have some pudding. "Dylan can we just talk?" Nick quickly took the spot next to me as he set his lunch tray down. I looked at his food which had been placed on a ceramic, circular white plate. God that looked good. I sighed knowing he was going to talk anyway. "Fine, you have two minutes." I used my fork to take a bit of pasta off his plate and shoved it into my mouth. God that was good. "After I left school, I was taken to the pack house with Arya, and I really got to know her. It took a few days for me to finally accept being with her, but ever since life has been ok, and the sax... well that's a whole other story." Eww, I didn't need that mental image in my head. "I'm glad your happy." I stated before deciding I had no appetite. His face held shock before he sighed in relief. "That means a lot Dylan, I mean you know that your opinion matters to me." I cut him off before he could say anything else. "I said I was glad your happy. I didn't say I approved of what you've done. You've basically turned into one of THEM, I can't ever forgive you for that." He looked hurt, but I couldn't care less about his feelings. He placed his hand gently on my arm and went to open his mouth when a growl sounded out. All heads whipped to where it came from, Arya was stood holding a glass of soda and a plate, she was looking right at me and Nick and I would totally be dead if looks could kil. Nick quickly retracted his hand, his whole face fell and you could see sorrow flood his irises. "You sit with me now, get away from that, that... scum!" Wow, Nick was such a lucky guy. NOT. "You heard her. Get away from me, go sit with your new friends. I'm happy for you, and I understand where your coming from, but don't come up to me again and pretend you didn't betray your own kind. Don't pretend you didn't betray me." I shoved a little bit of food into my mouth before standing up and walking out of the cafeteria, leaving my tray on the table. I was walking through the hallway to the classroom, you see I decided to spend lunch with Mr Foley in his room, when I happened to hear voices in the corridor. "Is it wise for her to actually be present when the king arrives? Surely she could be placed in the dungeons, it might actually teach her some respect?" My principal was speaking to the alpha of our district, huh, if I stayed and listened do you think they'd notice, maybe they could smell me?! "Everyone is to be present, if the Riley girl does one thing out of line she will be dealt with severely, child or not. That girl has been a blight to the district since day one, she's dangerous, if she puts one hair out of place I will personally break her into submission." Oh shet, they were talking about me specifically, and they mentioned the dungeon, that's not been used in months. Normally I would have listened in more but something about the entire situation didn't sit right with me, all of a sudden, I was on edge, and simply wasn't interested in the slightest in hearing how my misery was to be enhanced. I backed up slightly before turning around and bumping head first into one of the hottest man I had ever seen. I lost my balance immediately and fell straight on to the floor letting out a small grumble in the process. His eyebrows knitted together quickly and his breath hitched in his throat as he looked upon my fallen state and gasped. "Mate!" He whispered, his eyes fixated on mine. Now, I had seen and heard that many times to know what that means, I gasped before taking a step back. 'No, no, no, no, no. This can not be happening.' He growled slightly before stepping towards me. Oh Shet!

I had the pixel 2 XL which was wonderful but the battery of course died so I got the pixel 6 and now I'm on the pixel 8 and I'm really getting to the point where I'm just sick of these phones. I have this problem where whenever I f****** text something the text disappears or it won't let me edit it. Need to do a lot of edits because I do speak to text.
Tonight I finally finished a long letter to my parents. It was difficult and I was going to set it to email at a decent time and it's spontaneously delete itself . And now it's doing that thing. It does on Reddit where I can't delete things without f****** up all the texts. So I'm just going to leave the f stars in.. I'm sorry but maybe not the only person who's having this problem. I'm not a bad tempered person but this is really getting to be a problem. Why is this phone so s*** ? This one like the previous one won't let me connect with any other damn thing in the house it seems like. damn sick of this phone. My friend went from iPhone to pixel 8 and despises it and I try to blow it off is just the change in the two systems but you know what this sucks.. I'm getting tired of g in general. Oh and my mother has cancer you probably in that f****** email that you f****** just deleted you f****** piece of s*** f****** phone f*** you f*** you f*** you f*** you.

It's strange. My life, by most metrics, has been going pretty well. My parents love me and tell me how proud they are of me, my siblings look up to me, my friends tell me they appreciate me. I do well in school despite heavy course loads and my teachers and professors like me a lot. I have a couple jobs on campus that are okay and mean I'm not too strapped for cash (if we ignore the student debt). I have a beautiful and loving partner who I want to propose to during the total solar eclipse in 2028. And despite it all, I want to die. There's no hope. There may be happiness in my life but I'm always the same sick, broken individual underneath and I always, always revert back to that person. I will never succeed as an adult but I also recognize that no amount of success will ever be enough. I always want what I haven't got.
I should be happy with my life, I should be grateful for every opportunity I've been given, but I want to throw it all away. I would break my baby sister's heart but I want to do it anyway because I'm sick and selfish and I hate living. I'm terrified of failure so I'd rather give up before I fail to amount to anything. I'm not built to be a functional adult. I'm selfish and cold, antisocial, inflexible and unreliable, and I have no control over my emotions. I lash out at people who don't deserve it and pick fights when there's nothing wrong. I will hurt my partner emotionally and I'm scared I'll hurt them physically, too, because I get so angry so quickly for no reason. I will ruin everything that is good in my life if I continue to live.
I think the first time I thought "I want to die" instead of "I wish I hadn't been born" was in middle school, and it's stuck with me through high school and now university. But in the last three years the thoughts have been getting significantly worse. I've been having vibrant fantasies about dying and killing myself. Planning letters in detail. Earlier this year I had such a vivid imagining about slitting my wrists that it made me nauseous. I've been hurting myself more frequently and the intensity has been getting worse too. My self-esteem is abysmally low and I despise myself more and more every day.
I cannot get better. There is no light at the end of the tunnel, there is no long and hard but rewarding path to happiness. I am fully aware of the good things in my life, I can perceive when I've had a success or when somebody cares about me, and yet I have a bone-deep assuredness that I am destined for failure and loneliness. I know that the sickness is lying to me when it says that I'm unloved, that there's no hope, that I should die, but I listen to it all the same. If I truly wanted to get better I would do something about it- think more positively, go to therapy, go to a doctor, treat my body and mind with kindness- but I don't do any of that, and I haven't for years and years and years. I'm incapable of changing because I don't truly want to. I'm too scared of admitting these thoughts to anyone, of getting in trouble (to be honest I don't know what kind of trouble, it's just a gut feeling), of all this pain being for nothing. It's totally, utterly hopeless. I wonder what will finally push me over the edge so I can finally be free.

My counsellor would say something about childhood trauma and being taught my needs aren't important. But I just don't understand my own reactions, and would really love some insights.
My parents are separated and have been since before I remember. My Dad and his wife are both disabled. My Dad is currently being prosecuted for benefit fraud and has tried his best to implicate me over the years. He's tried asking me to look after cash for him, to write some fake receipts for cleaning so he can claim them back as a benefit, to buy things on my card and to pay me back in cash. Luckily I've made excuses everytime and I've never done anything illegal. I've never come right out and said "no, this makes me uncomfortable" though. I always lie and make an excuse. Once I booked a holiday and just left the country to avoid "helping" him.
My Mum obliterates all my boundaries and pushes every rule I do try to enforce. We went out on a trip for my birthday recently. She brought a dog which wasn't allowed in many of the boutique shops she wanted to visit. She bitched and moaned about how it wasn't fair that she hadn't been able to look at any of the things she wanted to, and made the day uncomfortable and tense enough that me and my husband stepped in and offered to look after the dog in turns so she could go into the shops. (Yes I know, we completely enabled her here).
My husband has had an equally traumatic childhood. His Dad abandoned him at aged 8 and his grandparents on his Dad's side have always blamed my husband for the fact they aren't close with him (not the fact their son walked out). After another passive aggressive letter recently received about how they feel we have "dismissed them from our lives - again", I blew up and sent a big, emotional text telling them the impact their jibes and snipes have on my husband. I opened up about his time of sick with his mental health and how he sobs at the fact his Dad abandoned him... the message was met with a laughing face emoji reaction.
Despite all of this, despite knowing I am in the right: I only stand up to people when I've reached a limit, and I blow up and become hysterical. Afterwards I feel a huge, huge sense of guilt and feel terrible in case I've hurt or upset them (even though I know they deserve it). It envelopes me for days and I feel like I've committed a gravely cruel deed. I know the solution would be to put my boundaries up in the first instance and not let it get to the point that I explode... but I just can't seem to do it! It feels so difficult and I get hugely, hugely emotional and panicked - even just telling a parent I disagree with one of their views.
What the hell is wrong with me? I'm really keen to understand why I'm reacting like this, so that I can work with my counsellor to address it.

She died last May (in a very odd way, I’ll get to that later), and since then so much has been coming to light.
I’m going to call my mom “R” and my grandma “E”.
• R thought she had a tumour in her brain until she was 40 years old, when she called the children’s hospital (whom she described had “experimented” on her, which turned out to be all E’s doing) and they told her they didn’t find anything wrong based on what E said, but that R did have severe ADHD, which she was never aware of. Obviously this affected her deeply, but not in the ways E claimed; which was essentially brain damage, among other things.
• R had me as a teen so E has always had control over us. For as long as I can remember I’ve been “sick”. As a child I felt in my heart that I wasn’t going to live long. I was always in the hospital, on meds, getting scans, pokes, tests; you name it. And I, to this day, have no idea why. I’ve been healthy since I left home. Mentally, I’m a wreck. But I have a shit ton of trauma. My therapist has suggested that the “health issues” I remember experiencing as a kid were likely the effect of high cortisol and adrenaline. Along with “cult-like” manipulation tactics.
• I am diagnosed with CPTSD, OCD, ASD, and ADHD. I also struggle with chronic panic attacks and health anxiety.
• E was a social worker and specialized in psych. I remember her pouring over the DSM, and proudly armchair diagnosing and lording her knowledge over people. I remember one time she told me about Munchausen by Proxy, and she was fascinated by it. It’s burned into my brain. I’d find myself reliving that moment and remembering the light in her eyes as she explained it. When I found out she likely had this disorder my blood ran cold and that moment flashed back. It’s crazy to think my nervous system has been trying to tell me all this time.
• Further to the last point, E knew R and I were neurodivergent; I suspect my great grandma was as well, and E hated her mother for being “ditsy” and “messy”. Which is partly why I think she tried to manipulate us. I stopped talking to E two years ago because I found out, after a lot of therapy (which she disapproved of) that I had all these undiagnosed mental conditions. AND SHE KNEW. I had been assessed at a young age by a friend of hers (she could pull all the strings being in her profession, it was a small town, and she was highly esteemed) and I tested highly for ASD. E somehow covered it up, and I didn’t find out until I was 27. What’s worse is she forced me to mask by essentially experimenting on my brain with various therapy techniques and fear tactics so I didn’t get noticed and diagnosed. This also made me enthralled to her because I needed her constant reinforcement to function “correctly”.
• E taught me to be constantly afraid for my health and of other people. I wasn’t to trust the government, the police, or any healthcare professionals. She even deliberately put rifts between me and friends/boyfriends. She did the same to R.
• I was on certain medications for years for no reason. She especially enjoyed giving suppositories. She forced me to take Advil all the time; the huge extra strength ones, and I’d cry and try to get away, screaming I don’t have a headache. And she forced it into my mouth and held my mouth and nose until I swallowed. I have severe anxiety taking medicine to this day.
• E told me I had asthma, underdeveloped lungs, chronic infections, tooth decay, and various autoimmune disorders. Anytime I got sick with a cold she told me I’d die. During H1N1 she told me I was definitely going to get it and die, so I spent most of that year in the hospital. She constantly took me to the dentist for various unnecessary procedures. I have no idea how it was allowed. By the time I was 19 none of my back teeth were intact, and when I moved and got my own dentist they were shocked and asked many questions. I told them I had soft teeth and I always had to get them fixed - to which they said tooth softness is a temporary state... I nearly fell over. I still don’t know how to process it. Because of all the intervention my teeth cause me a lot of issues to this day.
• Once I became an adult and moved out, E started to lose control of R and I. She became more and more sick herself, which caused R and I to run to her rescue. She was always having the craziest things happen to her. Heart attacks, severe infections, severe pain, injuries such as falls and deep cuts. For almost 5 years she was in the hospital every other week. During the height of Covid she told me the hospital put her in the Covid ward by accident and gave her Covid. I was enraged because myself, my partner, and my little sister had visited her, allegedly in the Covid ward. I was going to write a scathing letter to all the appropriate boards, and suddenly E turned tail and said “that’s not what happened”. It floored me. That same year I caught her in a heart attack lie, which made me remember the first one she had where no doctor could figure out what was wrong with her and I remember fighting with the doctor out of confusion and desperation asking why no one would help her… and I remember the pained look he gave me…
• I started putting the pieces together a few years before E died, and I just removed myself more and more, and the sicker she got, and the more crazy the situations. She starting sending relatives to reach me, and she’d tell them she was dying, so they would go to every effort to reach me - and not understand why I wouldn’t respond. She even convinced nurses and careaids to track me down. When that didn’t work, she started overdosing herself. Which was real, and scary. Unfortunately R got dragged in, and it broke her irreparably.
• Last May E overdosed and ended up in long-term care. She had a stroke and then lost control of her hands. She was so damaged by this point, and no one would take her on, so she was put in palative. She was there two weeks. Then she put a DNR in place. The next day was Friday, and sometime in the evening they suspect she had another stroke, right when no one was around, and she wasn’t found until a day later. They couldn’t do any tests because of the DNR or help her recover. The doctors never gave me a straight answer, and the whole thing wreaked of what I’ve been going thru these past years. E left us all the nastiest messages you’ve ever heard just before, and unfortunately my little sister listened to hers.
• My mom, R, died two month later of an overdose. I know E is at fault. She did this to us. I’ll never know what happened in those last few months they were together, I only have little bits and bobs of pure chaos - during which time R lost her house, all her belongings, and ended up on the street.
I really don’t know how one recovers from all of this. Not enough is known about this disorder and it’s victims. I’m in trauma therapy, but there’s too much, and no one can really know this form of evil unless they’ve experienced it. I’ve never put this all out there like is this, I dont know what to expect or what I hope to gain. Maybe just understanding. Thank you if you read it all.

How can I practice tagging with markers?
I can see quite a difference between how my tag looks on a piece of paper and how it looks with a marker. I need to practice the letters with different marker tips. With the cut end they come out great, but the dripper is a flop. I need to adjust the style of letters to the marker tips and practice more.
Practicing in the city makes me sick, because I feel that this is not the moment. I'm a perfectionist and I don't want to see my name as a crappy sh*t in the public.
I wonder how can I practice in peace, maybe I should buy canvases or plywood? how did you guys start practicing?

I initially talked about this trip report on another subreddit, but I have gained new insights after churning on my experiences and reading about other experiences, and I am slowly consolidating my knowledge on this topic. I have discovered that many people have had similar experiences to mine with the same motifs, details etc. despite me never coming across these stories and reports beforehand.
The DMT just serves up the experience on a platter, and then kicks you out. It's up to you to figure out what went on while also battling with trip amnesia. I didn't even know the entity I saw was a robed mantis until months after (more on this later...)
My DMs are open to anyone wanting to discuss any of this, I have many ideas and theories which I only slightly covered here about the DMT space and the entities I have experienced too. I think I have almost figured out the jester. I'm slowly homing in on the Robed mantises too. My hopes with posting this story on this subreddit is to gleam new insight and to have more discussion about all of this. If you have anything to say, please comment.

My retold story

It was sometime in October last year. I was experimenting with DMT, trying to discover the truth about reality because of a strong inkling I've had from when I was a child that some high strangeness is going on in this reality, before I was ever familiar with such concepts...
It was nighttime and my bedroom was lit by my small lamp on my bedside. I consumed 2 grams of Syrian Rue seeds orally to get some MAOI in my system (MAOI slows down the metabolism of DMT, so it remains in your system longer). I waited around an hour, before vaporizing 25mg of yellowish DMT. I laid down and slipped on my eye-mask as the carrier wave ringing set in, the sensation of dissolving reality crept in, and the coursing energy rattling the atoms of my body began...
THE JESTERS
I found myself in a grand palace which had a black and white checkerboard pattern, and there were jester faces in the walls pursuing me which were ahead of me, while my soul travelled linearly down the palace...
Now, the jester is an entity that for some reason I have experienced every single time I have taken DMT. It is always in these black and white checker pattern textured settings. I've seen it in square tunnels, toroidal caves, and now this big palace. It's some sort of disembodied face and it has these big bulging eyes with thick black eyeliner, where the pupil is a black dot, and the white sclera part is big. It has a big mouth which switches from frowning to smiling wide in a few seconds, and some sort of tongue it sticks out at you. It has eyebrows too. It has a very mocking and sinister yet also at times childish vibe, and it seems to try and attempt to scare you, but I've never been particularly phased by it. I don't think it's ever clearly communicated to me telepathically. It just seems to stare at you and give you all its attention.
So, I'm in this palace, and these jester faces are in the walls following me. They're sticking their tongues out at me and I do the same back at them. Nothing particularly interesting happens, and the trip ends in around 14 minutes thanks to the MAOI extending it a bit. I found myself unimpressed, having consumed Syrian rue and taking precious DMT and not really getting much out of it this trip. I spend the next 10 minutes debating if I should go deeper, and I decide to do so. I also decide to experiment with music, and I play 'Shpongle - Divine Moments of Truth(DMT)' wanting to see if music influences anything. I load up 30mg, vape it, lay back and slip on the eye mask again.
Immediately I'm back in the checkered palace. The jesters are there too where they had just been. All my trips have involved this jester, and it doesn't seem particularly interesting. I'm completely disinterested in it and sort of ignore it, and I say to myself "What a f*king circus", commenting on the palace, as it always seems like these clowns/jesters are in these befitting circuses, and I was completely disenfranchised with them at this point. I was completely sick of them and essentially turned my attention away from them. Then suddenly, something started to happen...
(I later read about people doing something like this, where they divert their attention from the jester and ignore them, and seemingly try to "look ahead" of them. This supposedly lets you get past them especially as one of their purposes is allegedly to stop you from going further. Though in my case, I think the larger DMT dose was taking time to kick in [The jesters are allegedly sub-breakthrough entities and disappear at the higher doses]. These Jester environments are possibly the waiting room.)
The jesters and the checkerboard pattern vanished, and the trip suddenly started transforming with color and geometry. If you've ever seen those videos of physical film tape bubbling and dissolving, this is sort of what I experienced; the checkerboard palace and jesters disintegrated in front of me. I was quite surprised, as I had never actually experienced much other than the jester and the black and white pattern up until this point, and I thought I was doomed to have my DMT experiences forever intertwined with them.
This kaleidoscopic, beautifully geometrical circle / mandala of color, primarily pinkish and purplish with a tinge of green, started manifesting in front of me (Which I now believe is likely the chrysanthemum people see). It grew larger and larger as my 'soul' moved towards it. Suddenly, this massive keyhole shaped portal/door materializes in the middle of it, and behind it there were more doors. Eventually they all opened, and this humanoid entity walked through them...
"Is that her?" I asked myself. I had previously seen a pink and very feminine curvy figure on a spinning pedestal for a brief moment in a jester cave before and she seemed to be idolized/revered by them. I have never interacted with her, only seen her for a glimpse moment. But this was not her.
THE MANTIS & COUNCIL OF ENTITIES
Instead, this humanoid entity had a green head which seemed like an inverted triangle. It was quite unattractive and honestly ugly, looking like some sort of insect. But it wasn't vomit-inducing or grotesque. I initially explained it to others as having a "bull shaped head", as I didn't get to look at it for very long. Instead, I primarily had my focus on what it was wearing. It donned this wizard looking purple/pinkish/maroon robe or cloak, and the seams had some golden alien inscriptions/letters on them (In retrospect, this might have been the golden medallion people see them wearing, but I have seen someone else describe these gold inscriptions before similar to the way I have). Its clothes are scintillating with its purple/pink color palette in flux, and its head I would like to say almost had a sheen to it? I felt that it was an old entity wielding great power and high status. It moves closer and closer towards me, while I too am gravitating towards it, before suddenly everything vanishes; it felt like this entity had intercepted me. I'm teleported somewhere...
Everything is very dark, and I don't recall any visuals exactly. I feel like a purer form of consciousness/awareness at this point occupying a singular point in space, and my ego is objectified (as in I'm still aware of my human identity, but I'm not attached to it). It also feels as if I'm at the end of time, the conclusion of the universe. The fireworks were set off, and now there's nothing. Time had actually stopped working the way it does in consensus reality anyways while I was still in the presence of the jesters.
(An interesting experiment anyone who takes DMT should try: Take a sufficient dose where you can still keep your eyes open but you're at the verge of going deeper, and look at something like a timer on your phone, and witness your mind be stupefied as it attempts to decipher the meaning of the numbers you're looking at. You literally forget the concept of time.)
I feel the presence of a council of entities surrounding me, and I am in the middle of them all. They sort of feel subordinate to me, and short of stature. (I'm frustrated I don't really remember what I saw during this part of the trip. They could have been the blue imps people see, or mantis beings, or elves, etc. I just know that they felt very familiar) Suddenly, a monsoon of information is "downloaded" into my brain, and everything is completely overwhelming.
I don't recall much but the kernel of what they were basically 'saying' telepathically is that "You are the eternal ultimate awareness which has always existed, and everything exists as a form of entertainment and/or experiences for you, as there is nothing else to do. You have been doing this for all of eternity." What is strange is that I already sort of deduced this was the purpose of reality long before I tried DMT, so they may have just been feeding back to me the assumptions I already had about reality. This is a common motif I've read about, where the entities just use what you know against you. The suspected motive for this? I'll explain later.
I remember the saying "Once you get the message, hang up the phone" being pushed to the forefront of my mind during this whole thing, and me responding "No, I'm coming back later to check again". That sums up the essence of ultimate consciousness I guess, it keeps coming back for more experience rather than resting in peace. That is the implication IF what they were telling me was true, I guess.
I then react by saying "Are you serious‽ Is that all this is‽ " because I always wanted to be wrong about what I thought about reality, but instead this council was basically reaffirming my beliefs. They basically replied "Well, what else were you expecting?" and I felt one of the entities in the council get sad I'm assuming due to my reaction, I sort of 'reached out' to them and quickly apologized "No! I'm sorry, don't be sad." That's the last thing I remember while in the presence of that council.
The apex of the trip is over. They disappear and it feels like I'm thrown down the DMT realms, sort of floating in a black void behind my closed eyelids which I'm becoming aware of (I didn't have a body nor eyelids when I was in those places). I'm quite comfortable there, it feels like a womb. My lucidity of our consensus reality increases more and more. The music starts to reappear, I don't ever recall hearing it while I was in the trip.
(Unrelated but interesting side note. I remember I was in this comedown state for a while and had become aware of my body but chose to keep my eyes closed. I did this little experiment where I scrunched my eyes really tight, and when I did this my teeth started chattering and I saw this flat 2D magic-eye texture in front of me that was dark green and had a sort of diagonal chain-link pattern to it. The Qualia Research Institute has done research on DMT, they identified 6 levels to the experience: Threshold, Chrysanthemum, Magic Eye, Waiting Room, Breakthrough, and Amnesia. I believe I was in this sort of Magic Eye level at this point on the comedown. I also did not experience DMT in that specific order of levels, for me the chrysanthemum is after the waiting room. Another thing to note is that this institute identified DMT geometry as being hyperbolic which is something that can exacerbate the phenomenon of not remembering trips properly, as the brain struggles to make memories of it)
I found myself agitated and frustrated. I ripped off my eye mask and got out of my bed. I started swearing at everything in my room lol, and I also said unusual things which I reflect on to this day. For the record, the trip lasted about 17 minutes.
"Do whatever the f*k you want" As in if you wanna climb mount Everest, go do that, if you wanna be a musician, go do that. This trip made me feel like anything is possible, and a person is limitless.
"God exists, I created him" I was speaking from the perspective/ in the context of being the ultimate awareness, implying that the ultimate consciousness invented God, which is interesting. A while after the trip I had come across a concept of the distinction between God and the Godhead from Meister Eckhart which is probably what I was for some reason referring to in this moment, but I never delved much into the topic, so I am not sure.
"Why the f*k are you scared of the dark lol" I have a fear of the dark from when I was a child which stems from being exposed to those screamer flash games where the woman from the Exorcist movie flashes on the screen etc. which has mentally scarred me to this day as an adult lmao. but post-trip me had a revelation that this was silly, though it's still hard to get over my fear of the dark that occasionally creeps in.
I wrote up an initial trip report after I had calmed down from my annoyance, and I noted down that "All the hate you show onto others is reflected onto yourself, likewise the same with love." Due to feeling this sense of interconnectedness with everyone I had during that trip afterglow.
Here is the paragraph at the end of my first reddit trip report I posted. It will tie into the next section of this post.

"So now to the present moment, I had some strange synchronicities and events recently which lead me to discover that humanoid entity I saw was in fact a mantis entity, as it weirdly matches other people's typical descriptions. Green head, purple robe, feeling a presence of a council of entities etc. I had never researched it nor really heard of the mantis aliens before this trip, so it is interesting that I saw it. I was always referring to it as the humanoid entity with a cow shaped head, lol. I don't know who that mantis being was, it was only in front of me for a few seconds before it whisked me away to the council, and it never telepathically spoke to me. Me learning about the mantis beings prompted me to share this experience, as I would like to hear what others have to say. Thanks." 

SUSPECTED MOTIVES
Now I didn't really want to add these to this post to prevent it from getting too long winded, but I may as well. All I really wanted was to repost this trip on this subreddit.
Stick with me here. Think about the theme of the DMT experience. It's about humor, 'the cosmic joke', absurdity, amusement, circuses, and so on. What is the prime entity people see on DMT? The Jestetrickstejokeclown and the various names it has, and what better character to represent DMT. A mischievous, cunning, almost sinister entity that showers you in its attention as it tries almost to overwhelm you, all the while mocking you. It seemingly does this so as to grab your attention and make you become preoccupied with it. For some people, it tosses them around to completely discombobulate them, or even puts people in a sort of 'Jack-In-the-Box'. When I saw that Mantis at the kaleidoscope, it was as if it had a mission to intercept me to prevent me from going out of bounds on my own. Where does it take me? To a place where my beliefs are regurgitated and fed back to me. "Well, what else did you expect?" one of the entities told me when I was there. Why would an entity say that if not to try and dissuade me from digging deeper? They didn't seem to want me to come back, just fed me my assumptions to try and satiate me and sent me on my merry way.
The Mantis never communicated to me, introduced itself, etc. It just manifested itself into existence and intercepted me at the kaleidoscope. I literally didn't even learn it was a mantis until months later. I have seen them commonly being referred to as 'Overseers'. Like administrators. They don't like to reveal themselves and rather remain in the shadows, but I forced their hand by taking a large DMT dose and getting close to the other side. They never wanted me going there. But they can't stop me from learning about them.
To these entities on the other side of the veil, it's all about humor. It seems like it's what they value the most. You have absolutely no reason to trust them. They'll lie to you to get their laugh all the while herding you back into place to stop you from seeing what's really on the other side. They don't want us going too deep into the DMT space. What are they stopping us from seeing?
It's taken some retrospection and deduction to get to this point, but it's time to ignore the bs and cognitive dissonance people have. Something is going on here.
All I really know is that THIS, this experience, is happening right now, you are reading this right now, all of this is possible because all of this is currently happening. All the suffering, pain, discomfort, etc. This is reality. I just want to make sure I don't come back to this, not until I have the full picture. I pity my higher self if such a thing exists, if it was so bored out of its mind it actually voluntarily decided to live human lives on Earth.
APPENDIX:
A photo of the sort of texture you see in the Jester's environments. Though for me I feel the texture is slightly more regular, like a checkerboard. But this photo contains the vibe you get in these Jester places. Credit to u/theshponglr
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Keywords for the search function: Mantid, mantis, green, portal, council, purple, robes, robed, cape, capes, cloak, cloaked, golden, gold, inscription, letters, portal, clown, jester, checkers, checker board, checkered, black white, mocking, insectoid, insect Edit: Minor improvements

As the title states I wanna know what Fire Emblem game do you hate, or have beef with? Everyone is always asking for you favorites but I wanna know your least favorites and why?
I'll go first, it's a 2 way tie between Engage and Thracia 776. Bare in mind I'm going based off the games I have played and the games I have played only when I explain why. So if something i mentioned happened in another game... I probably didn't play it lol I've only been into the series for a little bit.
Why Thracia? Thracia 776 was supposed to be a love letter to fans of the series and people boasted it's one of the best in the series and it's meant for real fans... I didn't get that at all from playing it. First for it being a love letter to fans, it doesn't even play like any other FE game. There is no other FE game where you can ONLY get weapons from capturing units and taking their weapons. It's the only one in the series with a fatigue system so if you use a unit to much for healing or attacking, they have to sit out the next level, I didn't notice that Nanna was too close to fatigue and I was not restarting the entire level just to get rid of her Fatigue, (didn't have a Stamina drink) and in doing so she wasn't available to recruit Homer, unless I wanted to redo the last level. The game is also majority retreat maps, and again I've only played some FE games, but to my knowledge this is the only game that actively "kills" your units if your Lord escapes an area before they do. Radiant Dawn did it right where if your units escape before your Lord you get rewarded instead of penalizing you for not looking after everyone else. This might just also be an old game problem but it's way too obscure with what you're supposed to do for certain objectives I beat the entire game not even knowing there was a dancer I'm the game because I didn't have Lara talk to Perne BEFORE I recruited him, because I tried afterwards, thinking that's what I supposed to.. but no I just didn't get a dancer. Also... I love Leif soooo sooo much as a character, I even defended his Emblem Ring, but goodness gracious is he a liability. He rarely killed anything and half the time I just had him running away because he just needed to survive the map and make it to the end... which is soooo great because he's infantry locked... then there's that one character, Eiryos I believe? Who I flat out just couldn't recruit because I had Olwen in my party??? The game didn't even explain why, I had to Google it just figure out literally no one knows why that's a thing. Lastly this game has too much of a hard on for ambush spawns, chapter 6 is literally breaking out of a prison with ENDLESS ambush spawns not even giving time to understand the map, and then worst off while you're trying to escape the game just throws like 8 armored units at your when you reach the "exit" essentially you open the exit door and they're just an ambush of like 12 enemies... in Chapter 6? Really? You're pulling this kind of tactic this early? This aren't even easy units, they one rounded some of the characters I had brought with me, which brings me to my point, for a game that's praised as the "Fire Emblem game for Fire Emblem players" it throws a wrench in literally everything fundamentally Fire Emblem. The game even directly tells you that you're gonna lose people so just let it happen. If your game is telling you "you're going to fail protecting units deal with it" that not creative difficulty that's just bad game design. If you game is literally telling you "just accept your failure and move on" not only is that terrible message but they do it with literally peoples lives and act like I'm not supposed to care, like no? I want to see each other their endings why am I being Penalized for it? Overall I'd say it's my least favorite in the entire series and it's the only game in the series where literally looking at the credits after beating the final boss, I looked at the game and said "that's wasn't even fun I'm never playing this again."
Why Engage? Engage in my opinion is the most all style no substance game in the series in my opinion. The story is literally copy paste Awakening, it has some of the most boring map design I've ever dealt with. The game is so gorgeous to look at... but that's just it. All the characters and the world are so bright and full of life... then you actually play the game. My first gripe is this is the most uninteresting group of characters in the whole series in my personal opinion. Every. Single. Character has one thing they will always talk about and then Alear. Celine? Tea and the Divine Dragon. Alfred? Grow muscles to be strong and the Divine Dragon. Then there's characters like Clann and Framme who literally only talk about the Divine Dragon even in all their supports. Everyone's support were so boring I started skipping them near the end the game. Using Three Houses as an example, supports are a perfect way to flesh out characters and give them their own stories that's not the main one. Like why does Constance hate Ferdinand? Watch the support. Why is Lysithea always in a rush? Watch her support. Why does Catherine love lady Rhea so much. Watch her supports. I watched so many supports in Engage and they gave me no incite to more of these characters, they all talk about the same thing in supporst as the do in main story. Chloé really likes Folk food and she will spend all her supports having someone hate her likes and she doesn't care. Rosado has to make sure EVERYONE knows how much he likes cute stuff (this hurts because I wanted to like Rosado he's adorable) but it's literally the only thing he went on and on about in every single support i got sick of. His one with Merrin is when I decided to start skipping. They're arguing over what's better cute or cool and the whole support is them going back and forth over cute vs cool things and it doesn't even go anywhere, there's no growth, there's nothing interesting. Etie I give credit top because her supports made me laugh like one with Boucheron... but hers were the only ones, and only some because all the others are talking about muscles. Speaking of Boucheron... there were a good number of units I just forgot existed because they weren't very good at the start and just forgot about them. Amber, Boucheron and the chef whose name I literally always forget *(I remembered while typing it's Bounet). These characters are just so one dimensional to me. Back to level design... it's boring... I can't even remember most of the maps because almost none of them, Sans the Emblem levels those actually creative. The main story missions just all felt like they dragged on, and half the time is was because a character did something stupid so now I have to fix it. Around chapter 20 I was just wanting the game to end because it seamed like every knew chapter there was some inexplicable thing that just happened. There were way too many times a character would steal something from Alear just to appear on the map like 50 spaces away from them as if they didn't just steal it 1 second ago. It felt like Needless padding. Also the levels are just not interesting or have some gimmick that I could not care about, and that's thing the game gives you too much power to not care about it. I've only played through the game on Hard mode and I started a second playthrough, realized I wasn't even having fun, and just turned it off. Because of the way the Engage system works, this game is laughably exploitatible, and the thing is... that's the best part about it. There were so many maps I tried to so them the "normal" way but all that did was get me into a slog of trying to get to point A to point B while enemies just lined themselves up to be killed. Almost every single level can be cheesed just by using Hortensia and giving her Micaiah's ring and just warp spamming everyone to beat up the boss... and if that doesn't work, just change some units to Covert and give them Corrin. When I tell you that strategy works too well, I mean I was literally just beating missions with just Zelkov and Yunaka, I even changed other units like Chloé to Assassin because that tactic was working so well. I STEAMROLLED the game using only those strategies and that's when I realized... this game is literally all just bloat. They give you waaaaay to many ways to change up characters and give them a billion skills, if you're willing to spend +18 hours grinding for bond fragments, or you can just use these two strats and win the game. They give you all these excess tools that, in my opinion, that take too long to even get and then they're not even necessary to make this already easy game even easier, and dont get me started on those stupid bond rings that i have to sacrifice the overpowered Emblem Rings to even wear they were a complete waste of my fragments that were already hard to get. Which reminds me, that DLC is probably the worst FE DLC I spent money on. The story was super rushed, and didn't even make sense because the story makes you think it's only Alear and the two dragons there... but then you start the DLC and your allies are miraculously with you and don't talk during the story at all but for some reason have special dialogue when you fight certain characters. So are they there are or no? Nell is the only redeeming part of the DLC. I love her design and she has a great voice actor... but in game she was trash because they lock her class stats and skills to a map to map basis... oh wait... they did that with everyone... everyone has a static inventory that remains the same everytime you play a certain level in the DLC. So if Celine only has fire and surge in chapter 2 then she always only have fire and surge in chapter 2 you can't change it or even her class. Yup that's right, they gave us a DLC where everyone is class, level, and item locked. Meaning there's nothing new on repeat playthroughs... which you would have to do if you want the DLC characters in your playthrough. You HAVE to beat it every playthrough... which is huge letdown especially because in the game right before it, Three Houses, if you beat the Ashen Wolves DLC you get them on all playthroughs forever. So I have to sit here and think why the setback? This doesn't even make it more difficult or anything because now everyone can literally use the same exact strategy with no extra work. I watched someone 1 turn the final boss of the DLC and one person play it normal. The one person took almost like 40 minutes... I was not doing that so I did the one turn strat and it took me at most like 6 minutes and that's only because the character I was using missed one of their hits twice, but got it the third time. My last gripe is a bit personally and I understand why people disagree with it, but I absolutely hate that they gave us all the freedom to use whatever weapons in whatever way we want in Three Houses. Three Houses also had a lot of bloat to make your units OP, but the game actually warranted that because there were times it gets difficult, but not only that, it's not even hard or that time consuming to level these units, and even better Three Houses has NEW GAME+, unlike Engage, so I repeat playthroughs if you just want to just throw skills everywhere, you can! You don't even need to spend 5,000,000 Bond Fragments to do it!
So all and all these are my picks for my least favorite Fire Emblem games. These are still great games and I still recommend you try both of them... I'm just not personally fan. These games are by no means bad at all and you like them, keep on liking them! But I do want to know what is your least favorites Fire Emblem game?

Todays my birthday and it’s been exactly a month since you passed and I still can’t talk about you without crying, you passed so suddenly it still doesn’t feel real. We knew you were sick and that your health wasn’t the best but I saw you the week before that and you were still the same as always, sick but lucid, alive.
I wish our relationship would have been better, that I could’ve forgiven you easier for the things you did and that you would’ve realized your family was more important than the bottle. I wanted you to see me graduate, to really make something of myself in hopes that you would get sober. You will never see my children or watch me get married and I will always look for you in every milestone I make in my life wondering how it could’ve been if you were still here.
By the time I made it to the hospital you were so out of it I don’t even know if you knew I was there, and I still haven’t decided if it was a blessing or a curse that I was there in your last moments. In that damn icu, you never even made it to the hospice wing you were supposed to pass in. That’s how fast you went, in the span of eighteen hours.
I can write and write about things I wished and hoped for while you were still alive but none of it really matters anymore and I have to come to terms with that no matter how much my brain fights me on it.
Regardless I turn twenty-three today without you or dad here to see it and I’ve never felt so alone and I really, really wish I could send this letter.

I’ve been posting a lot in here and everyone has been so great. I can’t express how much of a comfort it is to have a community of people to reach out to who are going through a similar experience. I understand that is the point of AA, but I almost like it better here.
Anyway, I posted a few days ago about my wife and I fighting because she was mad that I wasn’t in a better mood over her four day bday weekend (with multiple outings including bars) at less than two weeks sober. And then saying she should have just gone out with her friends instead of staying home to support me.
That was Tuesday. I relapsed Thursday. I didn’t know what the point was. She had put so much pressure on me to get sober, she gave me an ultimatum, and my bad mood was still an inconvenience. Why bother? I thought.
I was still determined to keep going, but that thought ate away at me for days. I sat outside of the bar for a long time before going in. I went in and ordered two beers and two shots. I felt sick and texted a friend who told me to buy gum and water and go home.
This morning she asked me if I’d drank, I lied at first but then I told the truth. She went crazy, she hurled a million insults at me, said I bring nothing to the relationship. I let the insults roll off of me. I told her I’d write all of my feelings down and send them later in the day.
I went to work, got through the day. I came home and wrote my letter. I sent it to her.
Looked at our bank account and saw that she took $100 out at a bar. She went to her parents and took the dog.
I went out and got drunk. I got a six pack and ordered some Taco Bell take out. Here I am, drunk on the couch with my cat.
I don’t know what is wrong or right anymore, what I’m trying to get sober for.
I hope the rest of you are having a better night, and can maybe offer some insight.
Thank you.

I've been working for a new business for a year now. My life partner and I were brought on to manage all operations because the owner, who doesn’t live locally, lacks knowledge of this industry. This venture was a passion project for him and his wife, who intended to be silent partners. My partner was hired as the GM/partner, and I was hired as the Social Media/Events Manager (along with AGM duties).
Initially, I left my job to work here and start this new project. We were excited and were told we were partners in this venture, with the expectation of sweat equity, bonuses, and shares. Before I was hired, I was promised a contract and salary. I was asked to write my job description and send it back so they could draft my contract. Despite sending the required information that week, the contract never materialized. I trusted that the delay was due to our rush to open the business. I continued working because my partner and I had invested so much time and effort, and the business was doing well. During this time, I was paid my intended salary as discussed.
After months of working and repeatedly asking for a contract for my protection and peace of mind, I was unexpectedly dropped to an hourly wage. My performance was excellent, but I was told this change was because I was too expensive and they needed to make cuts. This was my initial fear, and I regret not pushing harder for a contract from the start.
Six months later, I had to get another job to supplement my now reduced income. My partner, still the GM, was experiencing massive communication issues with our partneemployer. His contract was up, and despite promises of a new one, he has yet to receive anything, despite asking repeatedly. Trust and communication deteriorated significantly. For example, when we needed money for business expenses, staff payments, or product purchases, we would write a report and email it weekly. Despite this, no money was added to the account, forcing my partner to use his own money to cover these expenses.
The work environment has become so unhealthy that the employer hired a consultant (on a very hefty retainer) to streamline processes and act as the point of communication between my partner and me.
A few weeks ago, without notice, I was locked out of all our social media accounts. This was a big shock because I was always trusted and praised for how I managed the accounts. The employer has now taken control of the social accounts, despite having no design background and poor grammar. I worked hard to create a brand and image for this business, and it’s unsettling to see it deteriorate. I now have no idea about my job security, and the employer doesn't respond to my partner or me. All communication is through our consultant, who gives us very vague answers.
Additionally, my partner invested over $50k+ into this business and has only been repaid half of it. Recurring transactions necessary for the business are still linked to his personal credit card because the employer refuses to provide a company credit card and only uses a company debit card which he put money in every week to cover expenses (remember he sometimes doesn't, hence my partner having to use his own money to cover these costs).
We understand that it seems like we were naïve and made many mistakes in this partnership. This experience has been eye-opening, and we’ve learned a lot. We feel sick about the situation and want to exit, but we would like my partner to be repaid the money he is owed. Fortunately, the business accountant is on our side and is helping us develop a payment plan, including interest accrued on his account.
We hope the employer will agree to repay my partner his money as soon as possible. If not, I am wondering if I can leverage this situation to remove all assets and photos I created for the social media accounts. Here are some important points:

• I have never had a contract, despite trying to obtain one.
• As the photographer and graphic designer, I believe technically own the images and assets.

Is this grounds for a cease and desist letter? Am i creating a lawsuit? Do I have any rights? I need advice on where to go from here and the laws surrounding intellectual property in Canada. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you so much!

Residential Contracting 101
With over 20 years of building experience, I would like to share with you my insights in navigating becoming a successful contractor. With many different avenues of the building world its key to understand what problems will arise on any given day. A man once told a saying that stuck-the 6 p’s in life- Piss Poor Preparation leads to Piss Poor Performance. Preparation builds everything in construction, without preparation the jobsite will not run correctly. The best advice I was ever given was to learn a little about every trade giving you the ability to understand trade lingo and secrets. An example would be painters use the terminology flash; this means when the sub structure bleads through the paint. Subcontractors will give the best pricing if they respect your knowledge of the industry. If the subcontractor feels they will have to hold your hand through the job they will charge an extra fee…i.e. I call it the aggravation fee. In this blog I will explain the key elements in finding success in all aspects of the industry. Contracting is a physically and emotionally demanding job which requires planning and foresight to complete projects on time within budget. Picking your customer is just as important as picking your employees or subcontractors. I have worked for some of the most demanding customers leading me to question at the end if the job was even worth it. Sleepless nights, constant changes, lack of payment, lawsuit threats, adding work that was in the contract are just a few things you could face with a tough customer. With so many moving parts at all times it is critical to be able to adapt to changes within a short time frame. Materials will come in damaged, subcontractors will be late, employees will get sick, but the deadline you set does not change. The stress can be overwhelming at times keeping your mind in a good place is key to navigating all that is thrown at you. Choosing your client picking the right jobs-Keep these questions in mind The first question to be asked is what the time frame is to start the job to see if it fits within the timeframe for your business. If the time frame doesn’t work then move on from the project or let them know when you would be available to start. If the client really wants to use, they will wait until you are available. Taking on too much work will only lead to problems. Construction is a serviced based business, staying on top of the project and client will eliminate an unhappy customer and construction issues that will be over seen. With online presence if details are missed and customer service lacks it will only be a matter of time the phone will not ring. The second question to be asked to the client is do they have a budget in mind for the project. If they answer yes this is good, follow through with what the budget is. If the budget seems low let them know, this will eliminate a tire kicker, educate them on what the price range could be. If the budget seems reasonable then continue the discussion to the next question. If they answer no let them know that you can give them an estimate to see if the project is feasible with their finical capabilities. Taking on a job that is not correctly budgeted will lead to an unsatisfied customer due to non-transparency of the construction cost. The third question to be asked is anyone else bidding on the job, if the answer is yes, understand you might just be number check for the contractor doing the job. Dig a little deeper and find out how many numbers they are getting and why. If your business model is to be competitive be completely transparent with customer, this will gain trust with them. Let them know you get what you pay for and if you they choose the lowest bid it could lead into lack of quality of work.
The fourth question I will ask is there any specific subcontractors they wanted to use. If the answer is yes then I would explain to them you only use the subcontractors you have a working relationship with. Otherwise, this could backfire as the subcontractor might not show, do subpar work, talk behind your back to the homeowner. In my experience I would stay away from using any homeowner to alleviate problems down the road. A quick conversation now can save headaches down the road. The fifth question I will ask are planning on getting the job permitted, this needs to be known it takes more time for the permitting process. Plans will have to drawn submitted and approved to the city before work can commence. The sixth question I will ask if a residential remodel is are you going to be living through the remodel if yes understand this will take more time to navigate the project due to answering questions and cleaning the house on a daily occurrence. I would recommend seeing if the customer would be willing to move into an Airbnb or friends for at least the demo portion of the project. If they do plan on living through the remodel add a couple hours a day to accommodate the extra time that will be required. The seventh question I would ask in a residential remodel is how old the house is to see if there is asbestos that would need to removed by a proper company. A home built before 1979 will most likely have some asbestos in the house, use a licensed company with proper insurance to dispose of the materials. If everything looks good to this point find out a little more about the client personality. If the client seems reasonable, I would bid the job. Unreasonable people can cause you more stress than its worth. These are some red flags I would look out for. Some jobs are not worth the money. Very demanding in the way you are going to perform your job- I.e., tell you how you are going to do your job- You’re the professional not them! Give you a hard time about your price- haggle with price you estimated- The price is the price! If they are a family with little money and you want to help them out is one thing, if they are trying to beat you down is another. Mention they have a lawyer-there is no need for them to bring up that they have a lawyer - Run for the hills as if the job goes south, you will be the one losing out! Tell you what the payment terms are. It’s your business you get paid how it works for your company. If you want to get paid every Friday, put it into your contract-If the clients do not agree move on it will save you frustrations If they talk bad about the last contractor, chances are they will talk bad about you. There is a reason why the contractor does not work for them anymore, unless he did subpar work this a red flag Clients are using an interior decorator that will purchasing all of the materials- The materials could be ordered incorrectly by the interior designer your company will not make the mark-up it deserves. Interior decorators usually add time to the job as well as act like your boss. Charging a little extra for the time and stress that it will entail is only fair. Clients want to purchase the materials- You are using your knowledge to buy the correct materials-The mark up on the materials keeps the doors open working for wages only pays the bills The husband and wife do not get along-You will become the mediator between the couple it will lead to taking sides a losing proposition- A drama free work place is always best! Dangling carrot-if you do this job the next one will be better-Only look at what there offering at the present moment, if its not a good fit do not take the job for a job down the road…Its not worth chasing a job that might not happen! The Art of the Sale First things first selling your company is all about presentation. In meeting your clients for the first time show up with a collared golf shirt tucked in, belt, nice jeans, and newer shoes. Have a truck that a clean, no dents scratches, preferably washed the day you are going into your meeting. Have a leather note pad that is clean no dirt or paint visible. Show up 5 minutes early, if you’re running a little late shoot them a text to let them know. Treat the situation as if were going on a first date, best foot forward. As you introduce yourself give them a warm greeting, letting them know you are very interested in the work. Find out a little about them, hobbies, where they lived, etc etc. You are going to be working with them on a daily basis its nice to know what makes them tick. Having a good working relationship from the start is key forming a solid relationship. As the conversation progresses find out who wears the pants in the family…ie who’s the final decision maker. If its fits the wife, chances it is…..then kindly let the husband know happy wife happy life when their in a stall mate on an issue. As your looking at the project throw in some suggestions of what you think would look good from past experiences, this will get their attention that you have knowledge and want what’s best for them. If you see ways to save them money in their project let them know, money is a large point of the sale keep that in mind. Mention that you’re not the least expensive contractor but you’re not the most expensive either. Your customer satisfaction is your number one goal which leads to more time spent on keeping them happy. One happy customer will lead to another, one unsatisfied customer leads to work in the future. Bring up the fact the finishing the job on time is key goal to your business, many contractors run several jobs at once causing the jobs to be finished way behind schedule. You must stand out as having integrity, good morals, and the ability to problem solve to get the job. The clients will be testing you to see if you’re a good fit as well. Keep in mind as you take your notes that you must not forget anything they mention as it will come back before the job is completed…i.e. we mentioned that to you before we started the job! Take pictures of the proposed area for work, that way you can use it to better right your estimate. Let them know you will give them a detailed outline of when the job will be completed letting them see how long each phase will take and correlate it with your payment schedule. Before you leave their house let them know when the estimate will be sent to them. MAKE SURE YOU HIT THAT DEADLINE! Once you sent the email over with estimate make sure you get confirmation that they received it. Wait at least 2 days before checking with them, hopefully they contact you first! If they want negotiate the price, let them know that it is the best price that you can manage, its not worth losing money before you start. I closed 80% of the work I estimated by being very transparent and friendly. If you come off with an attitude charge double what the going rates are you might only land 1 out of 10 jobs as well as getting the reputation of being expensive. Bidding the job Looking up industry standards on pricing is what I would go buy for pricing. If you google the coat of any installation there will be a cost range for everything. Looking at the cost ranging from high to low I would tend to be in the middle. Some items might be low on the internet if this is the case use your best judgment not to lose money. Closing sales is key to success and keep the doors open for business. Being in the middle on pricing is key as most customers shy away from contractors that are extremely low or high on the price range. I tend not bid out hourly as wages do not pay for retirement. Bidding is better as customers no the exact price of the cost of construction. It also keeps the job moving quicker as time and material contractors take longer to complete projects…Thus costing the client more money and valuable time they could spend in their house. Using a Contract Using a detailed estimate tied to a contract covers your butt in 99% of the time. Having a piece of mind that every aspect of the job is covered in the estimate and contract protects both your company and the client. Key terms to include in your estimate/contract are. Have a schedule on excel showing the start dates and dates of each trade this will show the customer you are organized with time lines. If not written in the detailed in the estimate the item is excluded- This ensures if its not written down its not included. TBD- To be Determined- A phrase on a line item that has yet to had final decision of products or service needed. -The pricing will follow the decisions to be finalized Give out what your written warranty will be for parts and labor this changes state to state. If the homeowner provides the product than no warranty will be given on that particular item. In the contract have a start date and end date with the verbiage subject to change due to weather, product delivery, change orders Have a progress payment schedule to ensure the client understands when funding will be expected-Including if not payment is rendered service to the project will stop. Have written terms of how change orders will be charged-cost plus 20% or a set fee Make sure in your contract that arbitration is required versus going to court- This will save lawyer fees and going to court Many contracts can be found online and each state requires different contracts
Finding leads Finding leads is easy with the right network of people. I personally do not find working for friends or family members a good fit. Relationships get strained when money is involved, causing undue stress for both parties. I have listed a couple of ways to build a network or find work using the internet. Get in contact with realtor’s- Realtors have a big client base of homeowners who need work done Contact local Architects to see if they are working with any general contractors Leave some business cards at your local materials suppliers-Doowindow/lumber-many times clients will ask salesman for a referral. Join a business networking group- BNI is one of many Join a internet website lead generation company- Houzz, Angie’s List, Home Advisor, thumbtack, Yelp run an ad on craigslist Use a marketing company to market your website-This could become costly with little results Create a Facebook business page Create a Yelp business page
Building your subcontractor base Having 2 subcontractors for every trade, gives you the flexibility of completing jobs on time if the one the subcontractors is too busy at the time you need their service. Your subcontractors are the face of your business, choose owner run companies that are professional. Check to make sure there license are up to date..ie workman’s comp, liability insurance, state license. Choosing subcontractors with lettered vans, logoed t-shirts is s key to looking professional in the clients’ eyes. In the past I have gotten a lot of subcontractors for material supply shops, stopping by jobsites, researching the internet using Yelp, Home Advisor, etc etc. Once you get one good subcontractor ask them if they know any other trades they would recommend. One good subcontractor leads to another in most cases. The key to having a good group of subcontractors is to let them know that you are there to get help them get the job done. They do work for you but without them you are nothing…keep that in mind! Make them aware a clean jobsite is required at the end of everyday to ensure the proper safety for all parties including theirs! Over the years I have referred a lot of companies work when there is only 1 trade needed. Referring work to subcontractors is a good way to get top priority when you have work that needs to be completed ASAP. Timing is everything in times of emergency having a good group of subcontractors will make your business run smoothly. Pay your subcontractors immediately after performing work, this will make them feel appreciated! A happy subcontractor is one that will gladly go the extra mile for you knowing that there not just a number to your business! Buying lunch once a week for the jobsite is always a good token of appreciation!
Supervising In supervising any jobsite its key to monitor everything from materials on hand, weather, vehicle parking (if applicable), jobsite safety, and subcontractors’ workmanship. If you hired a professional there should be little supervision in the work being performed, on rare occasions a new hire might need some mentoring to get the results completed correctly. If you see a problem with there work address it with the worker directly, no need to call his boss…. building repour with the worker letting him know you got his back goes miles down the road! Checking in on the job first in the morning to answer any questions or changes that need to be conveyed and once in the afternoon to make sure all work be completed is done per construction industry standards. A job that is run blindly will have many more issues than one that is watched over. I have seen many jobs with no site supervision, leading to subpar quality work as well as safety hazards. Its better to be like an eagle than cluck like a turkey!
Working with the City/Inspectors On permitted jobs the city and site inspector will be a large part of how smoothly the job runs. Each phase of construction has an inspection allowing for the project to continue. Make sure your subcontractors are aware that the project is inspected before starting the job. The best way to stay on his good side is to provide a clean jobsite and having the job built to the highest standards possible. When having the site inspected be courteous to the inspector asking any questions or concerns you have with the work during the job. Being completely transparent will save you aggravation of problems down the road. The more he trust you the better if you seem sneaky or rude he will make your life a living nightmare! Many inspectors will have an attitude towards you….I suggest keeping quiet and doing what ever he wants….he’s the boss no need to get in a pissing match you will not win at. How to deal with irate customer Stay calm during any argument with an irate customer. Never raise your voice or show that you are bothered by their disgruntled behavior. If the customer is trying to get more from you than agreed upon stand your ground. Worst case scenario is you walk from the job, which in the long run be more of a loss for the client. I have only run into a couple of these clients; they are unreasonable and not worth losing sleep over a few dollars. Its best to terminate the relationship as it would be my best guess that a referral from this customer would not be one you wanted anyway. If you feel it was just a miscommunication on your end, take reasonability and remedy the problem. Taking accountability for your mistake will go a far way in their eyes and on future issues that arise. Prepping the homeowner pre-construction Before starting the job, it very important to give the homeowners a warning of what will happen during the construction process.

1. All furniture in the proposed working area must be moved- I would recommend having the clients take care of this to limit the risk of damage to their belongings.
2. There will be dust that will be in the house up to 3 months after construction-I would recommend hiring a construction cleaning company at the end of the job even so after it is cleaned dust will be present months after words.
3. There will be conflicts between you in the homeowner at some course of the job. - You will do your best to eliminate them as quickly as they arise-i.e. material damages, miscommunication, job delays
4. All decisions on materials must be made before the start of the job- this will eliminate job stoppage due to materials not being on site.
5. All materials will be on site before commencement of job-
6. Payment structures must be made per contract otherwise job will stop until payment rendered
7. Cars are to be moved out of the driveway- Ensures ease of loading and unloading of materials/tools
8. Give the specific hours that workers will be present- i.e. 7-3:30
9. Determine what areas are allowed to be used as staging for tools/materials
10. If animals are present in the home that they put outside or in a room during the day
11. All valuables in the house are locked in safe
12. Ask if using client’s household bathroom is okay or to bring in Porter Potty
13. Being transparent as possible is key to keeping a great relationship with your client!

During Construction During construction it is key to take detailed photos to eliminate any damages that were not caused by the construction process. I would also make a video to ensure all areas are included. All subcontractors should also take progress pictures to ensure if problems arise in the future, they will not be responsible for any work that they did not perform. Keep an on-going log of progress to the homeowners and share the pictures for there records. This will keep homeowners excited of the progress being made. When the house is gutted to the studs it is important to have construction photos showing where all utilities are run in the walls or sub floor. If there is a problem in the future there will photos showing all utility locations. Protect all flooring with plywood or floor protective. I also like to protect front door and tarp all areas where subcontractors are to be working. Make sure to cover any chandeliers/furniture/doorways with plastic to eliminate dust. Ask the homeowners if they have any concerns that they could think of. We’re all human and possibly a detail was missed! Post Construction Phase If the project went smoothly appreciation should be shown to the customer. Find out if the husband likes a particular type of liquor. Bring the wife a bouquet of flowers. Send a Christmas card to the family letting how much you appreciated the work. You know you have done a good job if they tell you they will refer you to their friends. The best compliment you could receive is a good referral. In Summary Try to find a knitch in the market, I found kitchens to be a great remodel projects. Bathrooms are tough as they are small, expensive with little profit margin with every trade involved. Windows/doors are also another great knitch as they can be installed quickly. There are so many different remodeling items that can be stream lined to make the selling installing process flawless. Once the core group subcontractors are in place the job almost runs itself. Every day is a learning experience with new materials or methods in construction. Keeping up with codes, materials, fluctuating labor and material cost is a job within itself. Anyone can be a contractor with the right mindset.

Hello friends,
Reacently I've gotten a job offer to work as a cash in transit security guard, the only reason I recieved the job offer was because of a close friend that works for the same employer. Two years ago I was all about being a security guard, I didnt have any about a career I want to pursue. I wanted any job just for the money. That has changed, a lot has changed since then. The tought of having to wear a bulletproof west, being required to wear a handgun in my holster and hauling large amounts of cash gives me terrible anxiety to the point I feel phisically sick, I used to wake up in cold sweat because of the very tought. I dont like violence and I dont want to do anything with it. It goes against everything I am. Family and friends state that this is a great opportunity and my parents force me to accept said job offer.
In the meantime I got sick for about two weeks, for the last week I've been to the hospital multiple times and recieved treatment. I'm still acting sick because I see it as the only way to get out of this situation and for the employer to start looking for another employee. The friend of mine insists on waiting for me to get better and I've told im strictly not to because I want to because I want to get better in peace and quiet. He constantly checks up on me, not to see if I'm really getting better but to rush me, as he puts it "Get well faster so no.one can take ylur place". The employer insists kn waiting for me aswell eventho I've told him that I dont want to be waited for any longer. I've been lying to my family, friends, parents and doctors and it makes me feel even worse about myself since I never lie, but I see no other way out of this situation since everyone is foring my hand into doing something that goes against everything I am eventho In the first place I told them the job is not for me.
Two months ago I finished a six months course for UX/UI web design and I love the field with the passion. It is a fiwld where I want to vuild my career, it is a perfect balance between creativity and technology both of which I loved since very young age. I am very close in completing my portfolio so I can start sending out job apllications. I even got a request for a website design for a local boutique which was in the works untill this situation happened, so far I've gotten two letters of recommendation and the third one is on the way.
Please give me any advice, I am in a desperste need for any help and guidence in how to get over this whole thing so I can get back on track for what I actually want to do and for which I am very close of actually doing as a job.

On the southern coast of Firebrand, in the dead of night and under a pale and comforting full moon the city of Klastead peacefully rests, little care of danger enters the average citizen’s mind. They sleep soundly knowing the violence and savagery of the civil war is far away from the safe and secure streets of their comfortable home. Such were protected by her tall and broad stone walls, her dutiful legion of sharp and tutored watchmen keep keen eye out for anything to disturb such a peaceful night.
The sea casts gentle and soothing waves upon the mighty and sturdy docks. The sound made a loving lullaby for those close enough to hear it. From such waters a further gentle fog begins to float through, its movements slow and gentle as a blanket slithering its way through the quiet streets.
It’s Harbormaster has but one more shipment to check until his lonely and long yet rewarding shift comes to a close. After this one last shipment is checked and unloaded he would return to his family, to his wonderful wife and three children. Until then, only his trusty lantern was around to keep him company, its flickering flame kept him warm through the dark night.
Thoughts came to him after a moment, he looked out at the ruins of the former home of the city’s carrier ravens. A fire had taken it a few days prior, the ravens burned with it. An investigation has been done yet no sign of foul play had been found. And with the war going on no letters had come in some time, his mind shifted as he suddenly heard a ship approach the dock, change in the sounds of the waves a dead giveaway.
Nearest hour to the mid of night he walks to the dock, his green scales shining in the light of his trusted lantern. He heard the ship yet could ill see it, the fog had become too thick to see all that far out to see. A faint creaking he could hear under the dock beneath him, such sound was far from out of the ordinary so it was ignored. His eyes kept true to the sea before him, scanning for the vessel he heard on approach. He held his trusted friend aloft as to aid the sailers find the dock.
The Harbormaster saw the outline of… something out in the water, straining his amber eyes in hopes to get a better look. He grasped a post to lean forward over the planks, that creak louder yet again ignored. When he finally saw something a wind took him causing him to stumble backward, to regain his balance. To his dismay his source of light had fallen from his hand. Rushing to the edge again he saw the metal thing slowly sink to the bottom, he let out a sigh, he would get it in the morning he thought.
Out from the fog a sloop appeared, its hull and sails blacker than pitch. As he looked up and viewed the three mates aboard he prepared a rope to tie the transport to dock. Oddly the ship came to dock at its starboard, one of the men flung himself onto the dock and aided the knot tying.
This man the Harbormaster found to be of a rather sort, never seeing a drake of his type. Scales of blood and ebony, slender and tall with the most piercing red eyes he had ever seen. His cloak was oddly regal for just some sailer, blacks reds and gold adorned it. His doublet and boots the same. As the knot was fully tied the sailor stood and held out his hand to aid the Harbormaster up, he spoke in pleasantries through a kindly yet slightly off putting accent. “Greetings my friend, I humbly thank you for allowing us to dock at your fine city. May I ask your name?”
The Harbormaster took the hand and was surprised by the grip and strength of this sailor, it took him a second to give his response to the question. “Um my my… oh yes it’s Barton… Humfred Barton, and I am the master of this harbor. Now you lot do have a permit but I will require an inspection before allowing you to transport… whatever it is you are into the city.” He built his confidence the longer he spoke. The taller drake smiled kindly, his dagger-like teeth shone in the moonlight.
“Of course, we would gladly allow you to inspect the shipment, though I would prefer it be done as quickly as possible. You see after such a long voyage, my men and I are… hungry.” The other two men on the ship nodded, another already on the dock did the same, this time a woman in similar regality to the captain.
Humfred boldly adjusted his belt, he would get this last inspection done just as the apparent captain had said. As quickly as possible, he had to get home after all. He saw the Captain nod to the woman on the dock, said woman was soaked with water, her fashioned clothes the same. She fumbled with something in her hand, though in the darkness Humfred could simply not tell.
The Captain Led The Harbormaster onto the ship, his first two men following behind. The boat was a tad eery, the dark wood along with the sails painted a grim and somber picture of its captain and crew members. Spikes and bone motifs also were present along the prow, a skeleton as its figurehead.
His eyes at last met the shipment, many smaller crates along with one of a grander size. A cloth along with chains covered the thing. His attention was kept on it, several sounds of ragged breathing came from inside. A stench most foul also was present, smells of carrion, blood and well spoiled flesh invaded and soured his experienced nostrils. “What in Bahamut’s name is in there? That smell… and is that… breathing I hear, the manifest says you are transforming meat but… it clearly has spoiled long ago if that is even what is in there. I will have to deny your shipment and order you to leave immediately or else be fined for possible contraband.”
The boat went silent, Humfred felt strong in that moment. He stood his ground against the far taller drake of unknown and intimidating nature. Yet said drake took two steps closer to him, invading his boundaries and looming above him. Doing so caused his men to laugh, a wiry yet strong hand gripped Humfred’s shoulder. “My friend… my name is Dremroc, second living child of the Bloodstone count, admiral of his fleets and herald of his hosts. Such as I am I would implore you to reconsider. As an invitation to your fair city would be quite appreciated, though not required.”
Dremroc’s smile became a smirk as he pulled Humfred to the bow and held him tightly, a threat clear though unstated. “Gentlemen, show our host what he has allowed to dock at his city.” The two men complied, the woman continued to watch, a glee that Humfred unfortunately could very much see.
The two men pulled the cloth from the larger frame, revealing it to be a cage. Such cage housed two creatures, deathly slim with greened sickly flesh rotting and slipping from their scarred bones. Such things looked to have been once dragonborn as they all yet had somehow become changed, feral. The bloodshot eyes caught hints of light, causing them both to shriek wildly. A fury matched only to their married madness.
All the confidence of the Harbormaster immediately faded from him as he saw the monsters before him, he knew not what they were but nonetheless feared them and his new captors. Dremroc laughed and smelled the air, taking in his prisoner’s fear and enjoying it deeply.
The woman strode onto the ship, with arrogance and pride carved onto her regal and villainous face. The water on her well mannered outfit seemed to dry magically in moments. The thing in her hands only as she approached did the Harbormaster now realize was his trusty lantern, she held it upside down in her talons. Nails along the edges. “Good show little brother, good show indeed. Though perhaps pronouncing your titles to one so… simple was a tad over the top, I find acts can be much more effective at times.”
As she finished her words she will ease crushed the lantern in her claws and allowed the mangled remains to fall to the deck. Sounds of more ships making dock can be heard, with a snap of Dremroc’s fingers his crew perform a sort of spell, dark magic flies from their fingers and to the crates. Hands of bone smash through the wood, men of bone released from their prisons march orderly onto the dock. Out of the corner of his eye he sees the ships dock and release their own undead minions. With laughter he witnesses the woman open the cage, the creatures spring from it and surge forth. They shove past the skeletons and into the city, then regaining their composure and march soon after.
Dremroc Holds the Harbormaster to look as the city as the army marches under the cover of night and fog. He feels a sharp pain in his neck and after some time, falls limp and falls to the ground. “So it begins Vlaedukaah, father will be pleased.”
The woman smirks as the looks out onto the army’s march, the ghouls engage and quickly dispatch the first watchmen who notice them. “That he will, our beachhead has been established. Communications with the rest of the kingdom have already been cut, no one knows we are here. And with the war as distraction, along with how far Klastead is from anywhere else. As long as it keeps paying its tithe, we can hold it as long as we need.”
(The Bleeding Coasts Part I)

I am seeking encouragement and reassurance. Please, no negative or critical comments - though I know I'll get them anyway. This period of my life has been my greatest effort in self-examination, self-reflection, internally motivated growth, and externally motivated growth. Please believe me; I am and have been facing the parts of myself and my life that are in need of improvement. Please be kind. I'm sorry, this is very long.
My 3 year old child entered foster care 11 months ago, when they were 2. My partner and I were in the throes of substance abuse. While I believe that I always gave my child the very best of myself, clearly it wasn't good enough. When we entered the DSS office that first time, I was honest with them when they questioned me. My child was removed. My partner and I were responsible for that. We are now trying to face that responsibility, correct our failings, and be reunited with our child.
Our child is in a loving home. It is the second foster care home they have been in since entering the system. They have been there since October. The first home was an absolute nightmare.
There were at least half a dozen other kids in the home. That first day after our child was removed, I went home and collected all of their clothes, comfort objects, and water bottles. Everything was washed, folded, and placed inside a proper suitcase. I had to let out every expansion on the piece of luggage to fit it all. They had several pairs of quality (such as Keen's and See Kai Run) children's shoes: rainboots, sandals, and sneakers. I had just had delivered a fresh case of Pampers and wipes from our Amazon subscribe and save. I took all these things to the office and dropped them off for my child to have.
My child would arrive to our visits dirty and wearing weather inappropriate clothes (long pants and sweat shirts in the middle of summer). One day, they had bruises in the shape of child-sized handprint on their leg, as if another child had grabbed and dragged them by the leg. I mentioned these things to the guardian ad litem. They said it sounded them like I was deflecting from my own failings, so I dropped it.
Fortunately, that family said they realized that they couldn't provide the level of individualized long term care a young foster child would need (they were only meant to be temporary). They did say my child was the "least problematic" child they had ever been placed with, whatever that means.
A new family was found. It was a young couple still in the vetting process of becoming a foster family. They were childless and openly struggling with infertility, and had decided to become foster parents. They were not officially approved yet. The caseworker was very positive and optimistic. She said the foster parents were supportive of our goal of reunification. At our permenancy plan hearing, the agency sought approval from the judge for the placement (since they were still in the process of becoming a verified foster family). We all agreed. My partner and I were invited to be present when the handover took place, to reassure our child.
Our child showed up barefooted with a garbage bag full of clothes. Their comfort objects were entirely absent. I inquired with the social worker about our child's belongings and she responded that "we can't expect families to keep up with all those things." Okay. Oh well. These new parents were so excited and kind to us.
Over the course of the last 11 months, my partner and I have each attended regular therapy sessions, outpatient substance abuse classes, and completed several parenting courses. All as requested in the case plan. We are both still in therapy and substance abuse classes. Unfortunately, our road to recovery has not been linear. We have had setbacks. Things are looking up, though. We have not had any relapses in several months and we are both gaining confidence that we can be successful with this.
Obviously, we are anxious to get our child back. However, we also want what is best for them. We want to truly be ready. We believe that having our child return home, only to be later removed again is one of the least desirable outcomes.
The clock is ticking. Those calendar pages keep turning. We are coming up on a year. The agency has asked the court to review the permenancy plan and for guidance on whether to keep the primary goal as reunification, or not. I'm feeling nervous.
We have never missed a visit, or even been late to one. Our child is excited to see us each week. We are positively engaged with them at each visit. It's only 2 hours per week, of course they should have our undivided attention. We miss them so much.
The foster family, on the other hand, has started resisting the visits. More and more frequently, they are being canceled for reasons such as sickness and bad weather. Last week, my lawyer handed me the printout of an email sent to the guardian ad litem. The email was written by the preschool teacher and said that our child had recently developed behavioral issues at school. Some of this is redacted for privacy but the letter stated "I noticed this change in behavior once visits with biological parents started happening."
I am hurt. I sent an email to the caseworker and the guardian ad litem responding to this claim. I said the visits have been happening since the beginning of the case. The visits are supervised. Our child is always excited to see us and happy at the visits. I said those supervising the visits can attest to that. I said that it shouldn't be a shock to have behavioral issues from a child in foster care. Perhaps our child should see pediatric mental health professionals if these issues are concerning beyond the normal scope of 3 year old behavior. I even suggested that the newly developed behavior could be sign that our child felt a secure attachment with their caregivers and now felt safe expressing their pain.
The DSS supervisor responded immediately. She reassured me that, yes, the visits have been happening since the inception of case. Far longer than the child has been at that school. She said that as our visits are on Fridays and our child does not return to school afterwards that she is not willing to attribute the behavioral issues to the visits.
My lawyer also gave me a copy of the court report, which I have never seen before at any point in the case. I read it front to back. I read that the foster parents "report that the child cries before visits because they don't want to go." Yikes. We are always early to visits because at the beginning of the case, our social worker told us that it's stressful for children who arrive before the parents, that they experience anxiety that the parents won't show. So, we are always waiting in the foyer. As soon as our child sees us, they run into our arms with glee, exclaiming "MOMMY! DADDY!"
So, we have a visit today and our child says to us "Mommy says that I want to go back home with her." My partner asks "which mommy?" They say, "the other mommy."
I thought that rooting for the child meant rooting for the family, but I don't think they are rooting for us anymore.
How bad is this? Should I be afraid that the courts will change the goal of the permenancy plan? In the court hearings that we have sat through waiting for our own case, we have only witnessed one family be reunited. We have seen far more families show up once and never come back. We listened as a parent lost their parental rights (they didn't attend the hearing). We have seen countless adoptions.
If you read all of this, thank you for your time and attention. I know you're just scrolling reddit. This is my life. I feel heart broken, a little betrayed, and terrified. I also feel thankful. I'm relieved my child is safe. I'm happy they are loved. I always tell the foster parents "thank you" each week.
I feel like the foster family wants us to fail so they can keep our child. I'm not shocked they would want to adopt them. My kid is amazing. Absolutely adorable; stunning really. Smart and precocious. Who wouldn't want to adopt my child? But the only thing is, that child is mine.
I'm not sure what I wanted out of this post. Maybe some advice, encouragement, or reassurance? I think mostly just writing it was cathartic for me. Thank you.

This was something I wanted to use in a comment here but it was too long, so I'm putting it here with the lead-in from the comment:

An essential element is the charisma of NSA's leaders. Theoretically, charisma is an event which takes place between a leader and a group. Charisma exists only as it is perceived in someone by others and cannot be artificially produced. Source

Of course, sometimes the way a person, like an SGI leader, is described to someone else can set that other person's expectations, prime their perceptions, to regard this SGI leader as someone worthy of an extra helping of respect and admiration, provided that person is susceptible to being led in that way. That's a function of the SGI indoctrination, to regard the leadership as "special", as automatically possessing superior wisdom and understanding (which is all that qualifies them to dole out "guidance" to everyone at a lower leadership level than themselves). However, when someone isn't in thrall to that kind of delusional thinking, the SGI leader often comes off poorly, as in Eddy Canfor-Dumas' book The Buddha, Geoff and Me (2005). While I was still in SGI, a friend asked me to read it, so I got ahold of a used copy and gave it a read. It left me totally WTF, honestly - I think you'll get an idea why from this section.
Eddy, the protagonist, has this on-off girlfriend who is Jewish and who strenuously objects to the concepts of "karma" and "cause and effect" because those lead to the conclusive, inescapable, irrevocable, and completely unacceptable conclusion that the Jews themselves were responsible for the death camps like Auschwitz, Buchenwald, and Bergen-Belsen and the whole of the Holocaust itself! We've noted the same problem here - holding the victims accountable for their own victimization! If you're already "going there" already, it's only a tiny baby step to extend that to the Jews who were exterminated by the Nazis in WWII - and his girlfriend could see that clearly, even if poor Eddy couldn't (or wouldn't). As you can see here, this concept, that the Jews were ultimately responsible for their own victimization, that they CHOSE that, does exist within these silly weird religions that put so much faith in "karma". Eddy can't explain; he's left embarrassed and she's angry. It starts in Chapter 8 (p. 123); here's the relevant piece:

Perhaps if [SGI-UK member] Geoff talked to her like he talked to me, if he convinced her, charmed her, reassured her that this Buddhism thing I was getting interested in wasn't a load of old nonsense ⏤ well, perhaps we'd be all right after all. She wouldn't be a walk-on in the first act of my story; she'd be the girl the boy meets and loses and wins in the end. Perhaps. (p. 141)

As you can see, Eddy is counting on Geoff's "charisma" to impress his girl. But it doesn't go quite as he expects:

'So,' said Angie after a while, 'Ed says you've got a Buddhist explanation for the Holocaust.'
Geoff smiled. 'It's my explanation,' he said. 'it's not an official line or anything. It's how I've made sense of it, through Buddhism.'
'Can you make sense of it?'
'I've tried.'
'OK. Fire away.' Angie sipped her wine and smiled sweetly, but I knew that look. Inside she was coiled, ready to pounce on any statement that in any way suggested the victim was culpable.

As if that's a BAD thing! Why shouldn't people be on their guard when a stranger is clearly ready to launch into a sales pitch of some kind?

Geoff took a deep breath and launched in. 'Right. Well, first off, I want to make it clear that nothing I say should be taken in any way to justify what the Nazis did.

Uh-oh - not off to a great start, I'm afraid 😒

'That was disgusting, an atrocity, and the people who did it and supported it are totally responsible for their actions. OK?'
Angie nodded and sipped her wine, watching him closely.
'And from a Buddhist perspective they've created terrible karma for themselves in doing what they did.'
'Karma ⏤ that's the punishment they're going to suffer in the future?'
'Not punishment, exactly. It's the effects you experience as a result of causes you make, good or bad. So if you cause suffering at some point you'll suffer in return.'
'Which means all the Jews who were murdered in the Holocaust must have made the cause at some point to die like that ⏤ which I absolutely refuse to accept.'
'That sounds outrageous to you?'

WHAT?? How could it NOT??

'Totally.'
Geoff grunted. 'Ed said members of your family were killed.' He glanced at me.
'On my mother's side, yes. Her mother's parents, two brothers, cousins, uncles and aunts. My grandmother was the only one who got out, on the kindertransport. If she hadn't I wouldn't be here.'
Geoff shook his head. 'Terrible. So anything that even hints the victim is somehow responsible feels like a real insult.'
'Yes.'
He sighed. 'I know. It's very hard, even if you believe in the eternity of life, like I do. But for me the question isn't so much what causes did these people make to suffer like this, because I think that's impossible to answer⏤'
'That's convenient,' said Angie tartly.
'For me,' said Geoff, ignoring her tone, 'the important question isn't what causes people made in their past lives but what people do in this life. What makes people behave like the Nazis did to the Jews? Why did other people let it happen ⏤ or not? In Denmark, for example, the vast majority of Jews were hidden by the non-Jewish population, or helped to escape, whereas in Poland they weren't. And for me, above all, the crucial question is what can we all do to make sure it doesn't happen again?'
'Only it has, hasn't it?' I said. 'Rwanda.'
'Exactly,' said Geoff.
'Exactly what?' said Angie, still seething. But at least she hadn't walked out, which i suspect she would have done by now if it had been just the two of us.
'Well, I reckon,' said Geoff, 'everything boils down to what Buddhism calls the world of Anger. Which isn't just losing your temper. It's ego, identity, how you define yourself as separate from other people; the rest of the universe, in fact.'
Angie crossed her arms and legs and gazed at him, aggression shining from every pore.
Geoff ignored it. 'One way we do it is in opposition to other people, or groups of people, often putting "them" down to make "us" ⏤ our group ⏤ feel better or superior. You see it in football supporters, nations, religions, political groups ⏤ everywhere.'

Especially in how certain SGI members attack this SGIWhistleblowers ex-SGI members' support group, all the while bragging that they are "Bodhisattvas of the Earth", clearly superior to everyone else.

'And?' Angie's tone was harsh, impatient.
'And taken to extremes,' said Geoff, 'that attitude can be used to justify anything "our group" decides is good for us, and to ignore anything "that group" says or wants. They don't count; our needs come first.

Just like how those SGI member-attackers insist that what they're doing somehow qualifies as "right speech", even though it's the OPPOSITE of the actual definition!

'So time and again through history you see groups of people who've wiped out other groups they've classed as enemies or a threat or inferior in some way. The Mongols did it right across Asia. We Europeans did it to millions of "darkies" during the whole period of colonialism. White people wiped out or ethnically cleansed millions of indigenous people when they settled the Americas. And we're still doing it.'
'How?' Angie sounded incredulous, and even I was taken aback.
Geoff ploughed on. 'Every year,' he said, 'millions of people in developing countries die from poverty, disease, hunger, malnutrition; more people every year than died in the six years of the Second World War, including the Holocaust. In fact, some people call this the Silent Holocaust. We know about it but we let it happen ⏤ because it suits us, our lifestyles.'
Angie looked floored for a moment. 'How do we let it happen?'
'Because a lot of this death is the result of international debt and unfair trade policies skewed toward the West. We benefit, so we do little or nothing to change it.'
Angie's eyes narrowed. 'If you're saying that me buying a cup of coffee from Starbucks or wherever is the same as the Nazis shovelling men, women and children in to the gas chambers . . . well, that is such complete crap. And trying to make the link, to make them equivalent ⏤ I find that disgusting.'
Geoff didn't turn a hair. 'I'm not saying it's equivalent. I'm saying what the Nazis did isn't unique or even unusual. It's an extreme case of what human beings have done since for ever: denigrate, devalue, disregard other human beings when it suits them.'

Oooh - sick self-burn, bruh!

Angie stared at him with naked hostility, and inside I groaned. If I'd known he was going to start sounding like Red Pete I'd never have put him anywhere near her, because she was basically a Daily Mail editorial on legs.

"Red Pete" was "a bloke from college" who was always involved in causes - protests, leaflets, rallies, etc. (p. 148)

But he hadn't said any of this to me. He'd talked about history, about how Christians had felt insulted by Judaism because it denied that Jesus was the son of God; and how the Jews were often feared as alien because they were a tight-knit and self-reliant community, forced into separate development by persecution. And a lot of the time people were simply jealous of them because they were so successful in trade and business. 'Look at how Jewish businesses were destroyed by the Nazis, or stolen,' he'd said. 'That shows where a lot of anti-Semitism was coming from: greed and envy.'

But what of Dickeda's "eternal clear mirror 'guidance'" from 1990? That says that everything in one's environment is simply a reflection of one's own life?? Where did THAT go?? IF others were reacting to them with "greed and envy", then isn't it OBVIOUS that "greed and envy" are firmly entrenched in those victims' LIVES, because by definition the others were simply a reflection?? Take it up with Sensei.

But ⏤ and this was the bit that brought me up short ⏤ he'd also wondered how the Jews calling themselves the Chosen People might have affected non-Jews. 'Anyone who sets themselves up as special in some way ⏤ even if they are special ⏤ is always going to be targeted by other people',' he'd said. 'It's not nice, but it's a fact. Like, we had this rich kid at school who really thought he was a cut above us, and we all hated him, wanted to bring him down to size. So we bullied him ⏤ including me, I'm ashamed to say. And with the Nazis ⏤ well, they were the Chosen People too, weren't they? Aryans, the Master Race. And you can't have two Chosen People, so they tried to wipe out the Jews. Horrible.'

But - and hear me out here - according to THAT logic, if the Jews hadn't felt themselves to be superior Chosen People, then the Nazis wouldn't have felt compelled to exterminate them - right? So THAT argument makes it the JEWS' fault! THEY essentially created the "effect" of being exterminated through their "cause" of ego, hubris, and superiority!

I'd had to think hard about all this. It went beyond labels like 'good' and 'evil' to basic human attitudes like resentment, fear, and jealousy. It sort of made sense to me, but then I wasn't Jewish.

When YOU aren't involved, it's EASY to make it into an abstraction, something just theoretical that isn't involved with anything real and doesn't really make any difference, practically speaking.

I didn't know how it would sound to someone more closely involved ⏤ like Angie. I hoped she might just be able to consider it without getting all worked up. But somehow the conversation had taken the wrong track and come off the rails. Time to rescue the situation. I opened my mouth ⏤ but too late.
'There is no way,' Angie hit back, 'that you can equate people starving in the Third World to the Holocaust. That was genocide ⏤ one group deliberately targeting another people and trying to exterminate them. And even talking of them in the same breath is an insult to the six million Jews who were deliberately, wilfully, systematically murdered.'
'Fair point,' I said, desperate to appease her. Geoff wouldn't budge.
'If governments follow economic and trade policies that they know result in massive numbers of deaths,' he said, 'does it matter what it's called? And how different are we from people living in Germany during the Holocaust if we know our governments are doing this but turn our backs on it?'
I winced again and waited for the explosion.
Angie looked at Geoff as if he were from another planet. 'So now I'm as bad as the people who supported Hitler?'
'Look, I don't want to upset you, Angie,' Geoff said.

Notice he didn't say "No, of COURSE not!"

She snorted with derision.

Fair.

'All I'm saying is the Nazis blamed their problems on the Jews and consciously decided to get rid of them. We sacrifice other people indirectly, by building our wealth on structures and systems that cause incredible suffering in poorer parts of the world. And basically we think that's OK, or not enough of us care enough to stop it.'

Just look at the "Big Ideas" pouring out of this SGI member to justify doing DICK! Where have we seen THAT before??

Angie sighed and stared at her empty wine glass.
I leapt in. 'Another one?'
'No, thank you.' Her answer was clipped, terse. She composed herself and looked up at Geoff. 'Is this Buddhism ⏤ or communism? Because it sounds identical to the sort of crap you hear from those people who riot about the "evils of globalisation" and capitalism. Despite the fact that every society, when it gets freedom, freely chooses the free market.'
'Actually, I did used to be very left-wing,' Geoff admitted cheerfully, 'till I realised neither communism nor capitalism's got the whole story. And if you base your society on ideas that are incomplete, sooner or later you're going to hit the buffers.'
'What do you mean by "incomplete"?' Angie asked, her critical antennae still quivering furiously.
'Ideas that don't understand cause and effect properly, or don't reflect life accurately. Or exclude whole groups of people ⏤ like women, or savages, or Jews, or non-Aryans, or non-Christians, non-believers, the rich, the poor, the working class, the bourgeoisie. You name it.'
'Meaning, I suppose, every idea except Buddhism.' The contempt in her voice was so heavy I sensed the conversation might be drawing to a close.

I'm surprised Eddy didn't use the word "incredulous" anywhere here - I can only imagine that was how Angie was feeling, at this guy's effrontery and smug self-satisfaction.

But again, Geoff sailed over it. 'Well, even most Buddhist teachings are incomplete,' he said. 'Some of them say women can't become enlightened, for example.' He flashed her a warm smile, but it was far too late for that.
'How very enlightened,' Angie replied ⏤ her one joke of the evening.
'Exactly. Not the sort I practice, though.' He smiled again.
'So there is hope for me,' she said dryly. 'As long as I follow your example, hmm?'
'As far as I'm concerned,' said Geoff, 'the important thing isn't what people practise, or even what they believe ⏤ it's how they actually behave towards each other.'

Yes, if only the Nazis had been nicer to the Jews, which we're all confident they would've been if the JEWS hadn't been such offensive individuals!

Angie looked at him a moment. 'Right,' she said. She held his gaze a while longer, then gave a short sigh, grabbed her bag and slung it over her shoulder. 'Well,' she said, getting to her feet, 'it's been very informative. Thank you for the drink.' She headed for the door.
I jumped to my feet and ran after her. 'Angie!'
She turned and looked at me.
'Come on, stay for another one.'
'No thanks,' she said, glancing daggers over my shoulder at Geoff. 'I've had a long day and I want to get home.'
'Angie . . .' I pleaded.
'OK?'
The two letters were laden with a warning that froze me dead. Helpless, I watched her push open the door and turn out of sight along the street. Out of sight and out of my life for ever? (pp. 149-156)

It's so easy for those who aren't involved in a specific situation to be glib, insensitive, and callous to the concerns of those who are involved. "Karma" is their "get-out-of-caring-free" card. The sort of pontificating and grand generalizing that Geoff was engaging in, demonstrating such privileged, entitled DETACHMENT, is deeply non-compassionate. "I don't HAVE to care because c'mon, it was all their own fault, they deserved it, everyone can see that."

So background. I (28f) have been with my husband (31m) for 10 years. My mother in law (53f) has been a nasty torn in my side for about 9 years when she dropped her mask. I have cried idk millions of times it feels like because of things she's done to me. Just recently though she yet again spoke negatively about me to a group of people at a children's program she was allowed to take my kids to. My husband told me I just needed to stop telling him how I felt and tell her. I told him it was 10 years of built up animosity and rage and that it was not going to end well. I always tip toed because i was scared to lose him. He's insistent he is tired of being in the middle (his mother puts him there) and the only way we wouldnt survive is if it continued that way. So I have finally drafted a letter. If you could read it and tell me if you would think it's gone too far.
MiL,
I have sat and thought about what has transpired the last few days, and even in the last 10 years. You asked (husband) if I was mad, you asked me too. The answer is yes, I am mad, in fact I am livid. I am also exhausted with dealing with you. For 10 years you have continuously made decisions and said things that have deeply affected me and my family.
For starters, you have repeatedly flaked on my daughter. Your son had given you shit, but I have not. So here it is. Stop. I as her mother am giving one more chance. I will not watch my daughter live her life feeling like she's not good enough because her grandmother doesn't show up. In fact, please never make plans with daughter again. I want to protect her from the hurt she's experienced multiple times already. To save her from crying ever again. She does not deserve this. I no longer want to hear excuses either. You have limitations physically and mentally. I am aware, but I will no longer let that be an excuse. So if you would like to make plans to spend time with daughter please go through your son and we will make sure there are no other plans. We will not be telling daughter about them, instead she can just be excited if you show up.
As for son, you know why you were not allowed to have him until now. Further then that, to complain is simply ridiculous because you didn't get daughter until she was 18 months old. To hear that you complained to people about it is annoying because you didn't think to just be happy about it, instead you painted a picture that I kept him from you. I did so to protect him. You might not have cared what your doctor told you about not lifting after your surgeries and stroke but I did and I was not willing to take the chance that you couldn't strap him in properly to a car seat or that your shoulder would give out and you would drop my son. I also did not trust that you wouldn't give him sweets without my knowledge and would ruin the reaction I'd get on his first birthday. Husband had his own reasons. I support his reasons because he's right, you don't really know son and you could have but you chose not to even just visit when you couldn't hold him. It's bothered me that you seem to think the only way to spend time with my kids is to have them to yourself. Instead of just visiting which may have changed our relationship too.
As for me, this is some of the ways you have hurt me and affected me;
You ruined my pregnancy with daughter by making me feel like I was nothing but an incubator for your family. You looked at me and said "no one will even look at you once you squat this kid out". You might not remember saying it but I will never forget it. It played a huge part in my post partum depression because I never felt like I was good enough. I cried to husband's father saying I hoped they still loved me after having the baby because you made me feel useless beyond that. It made me hate you. You laughed in my face about me picking certain bottle types, you bought things to make up a mock nursery at your house, you joked about stealing my child in the middle of the night, you tried to force me into picking a crib with you instead of respecting I had chosen one. There are many other things but this would go on forever if I listed all the things you've done that have hurt me deeply and caused hundreds of tears.
You have repeatedly stepped over boundaries including when we rented your house. You say you respect boundaries and even have your own but you have trampled mine for years and I never felt like I could stand up for myself since the few times I did it became a giant ball of bullshit.
I felt spied on living in your house. I felt like I was under a microscope for 6 years, I felt like an unwanted guest in someone else's home, it was worse after I had daughter. In fact it seemed like you never really cared until we had kids, and now it feels like you don't even care about spending time with your son, just our kids. Which is frustrating because you speak about family so highly but you barely make an effort to see your son, and it's been that way for years.
For years I have gone into public and had conversations with people where they tell me you've said things about me. You told people I kept daughter from you, you told people years before that your son and I were slobs, you talked about me to family friends on the island about how much you got to see Isabelle, you told friend that you don't care what I say and will do what you want when you have daughter, the list goes on including the most recent incident at strong start which has tipped the iceberg for me. None of that has ever shown that you have any respect for me as a person, a mother, and a wife to your son.
The only major fights your son and I have ever had minus 1, are directly caused by you and how you've treated me or behaved towards me. I'm sick of it. He doesn't deserve to go through this either.
I have tried for years to understand and have empathy for your life. I have tried to make an effort to build a relationship again, but I do not trust you. I do not trust that you actually care about me. I don't even think you like me. And at this point, I don't like you. I tried, I have, but continuous disrespect has a way of ruining any potential for a relationship. I even came to your house and was civil with your boyfriend even though I will never receive an apology that I rightfully deserve for him accusing me of stealing from you both. In fact, for most of the things that have been said and done to me by you and him I have not and probably will never receive an apology. Which does piss me off because I have never deserved this. I should have to be in an uncomfortable situations for the sake of other peoples wants.
Your son came into my life in a time that I needed him more then he will ever know. He is my best friend, the love of my life, my partner, the father of my children. All I have ever wanted is to build a happy, healthy family with him. What I did not sign up for is a mother in law that has for years mocked me, spoken about my private life publicly, insulted me, belittled my husband, over stepped boundaries, challenged our parenting. Please don't say you haven't because you have.
I've been told you think it's unfair how much my mother is involved in our children's lives. It is not unfair, since day one my mom has been there no matter what. She has gone above and beyond anything we could have imagined on regards to support. The one time I needed help, I called you. You told me you couldn't because you were doing someone's nails. I knew we were not a priority then, but the nail in the coffin was being told by people that you dropped everything to help them out. Especially old clients. So in summary, I do not have to make things fair because that's simply not how the world works. You get what you give, and you've given very little. I am exhausted by being made to feel guilty or feeling pressured to accommodate someone who seems to only be here when it's good for her schedule.
I am no longer going to allow what you've gone through to be an excuse to accept how things are. I don't have to. I shouldn't either.
I don't know if there is even a way to start to mend this, because 10 years of hurt is a long time.
Please, do not involve anyone else in this. Not your boyfriend, not your sister, not my husband. They have nothing to do with this, it is between us. I understand this will hurt you but I have tip toed for too long.
I do not want to speak for awhile after this. Nor am I required to.
Thank you for reading this. I hope you can begin to understand why I am the way I am with you. My husband told me I just needed to finally tell you how I felt and this is it.
Did I go too far?

I’m going through a very hard time with a breakup. Not just the breakup, but this is the straw that broke the camel’s back, so to speak. I am struggling. I am spiraling a lot and ruminating, thinking about how badly I want to be with them and don’t want to be alone. I got through the day of the breakup yesterday, with a good amount of struggle. This event has triggered a lot of issues. I have a therapist consult Monday and am, buy and large, keeping away from catastrophizing.
Main point: I’m struggling to redirect my thoughts. Somehow the easiest way to do this is to put on a podcast and half-engage with it (due to the fact that I’m listening to them constantly, I am fairly sick of them so I zone out. It still manages to cancel out a lot of my spiraling, somehow.) I have set myself a loose schedule and set of goals today leading up to work tonight.
I struggle with my anxiety at work. I work customer service in a restaurant. It’s not constant conversation, but it kind of is? When I’m not conversing with coworkers ABOUT work or customers about their experience, I’m alone in my head. What’s a good mental game to keep me occupied when I’m bored? I do the alphabet game with different themes, sometimes I make bets on how long until the table with their check leaves, the game where you say a celebrity then a celebrity that starts with the first letter of the last celebrity’s first name, but I need more. I’m not easily able to be on my phone, so my options are pretty limited there.

Introduction

Hamartiology is the branch of theology that has to do with the study of sin. Hamartiology deals with how sin originated, how it affects humanity, and what it results in both before and after death. The most popular view or position within hamartiology in general is Augustinianism, with its doctrine of "Original Sin" to be more specific.
The doctrine of Original Sin is one of the most damaging lies ever inflicted on the human race. Developed by Tertullian and popularized by Augustine, Original Sin says we all inherited a sinful nature from Adam.
There is no question that sinners have a sinful 'nature' (character) and that they all need to be saved from sin, but Augustine went further. He said humans are born corrupt, and that we inherited a rebellious streak from our forefather Adam.
Original Sin teaches that you were born spiritually dead and rebellious at heart. From the moment you drew your first breath, you were inclined towards sin, utterly depraved, and hostile towards God.
But is this actually Biblical?
This is what we'll be focusing on in this post. We will be discussing what Adam's sin was, what it wasn't, and what the consequences of that sin actually were.

Expulsion from Paradise

All are born with the weakness of the flesh. This is often called the "sin nature." We prefer the term weak flesh, because that's what Jesus says, and Paul emphasizes:

"Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.”-Matthew 26:41
"But God be thanked, that ye were the servants of sin, but ye have obeyed from the heart that form of doctrine which was delivered you. Being then made free from sin, ye became the servants of righteousness. I speak after the manner of men because of the infirmity of your flesh: for as ye have yielded your members servants to uncleanness and to iniquity unto iniquity; even so now yield your members servants to righteousness unto holiness."-Romans 6:17-19

Our flesh is weak. The flesh has within it desires that if followed, can lead one to sin. Not all desires, however, are sinful. The flesh pushes us to eat in order to survive, but this is not sinful. However, we can desire food so much we become gluttonous, for example.
We also learn that the desires of the flesh are of the world, not of God:

"For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world."-1 John 2:16

Where do we get these desires? They are not from God, but of the “world”.
We have three things here:

1. The lust of the flesh

Lust here is the same in word for both and is epithumia. Depending on the context, it can be used to describe good or bad desire. In a negative context, it is desire or craving what is forbidden. In this instance, it is desires that come from within our body of flesh. For example, the desire to be touched. This itself again is not sinful, but it can lead to a sinful sexual desire. The same goes with our desire to eat as explained earlier. Paul says in Galatians 5:16, “Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lust of the flesh.” These desires are of the world and of self, as James says: “But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed” (Jam. 1:14).

1. The lust of the eyes

This would be looking upon something that is forbidden and desiring it. This can be both literal (physically viewing something with your eyes), or metaphorically in looking upon something that you know in your mind is forbidden. Jesus said, “And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire” (Matt. 18:9)

1. The pride of life

This translation is acceptable, but misses the core of the issue. The word for pride is alazoneia, and means an insolent and empty assurance, which trusts in its own power and resources and shamefully despises and violates divine laws. The word for life is bios, and means life, or one’s own life. So to be more precise, this is one that is boasting, or trusting in one’s own life. We learn in Jeremiah 17:5, that “Cursed be the man that trusteth in man, and maketh flesh his arm, and whose heart departeth from the Lord.” When we trust in man, or ourselves, we are boasting in self and not in God. We are relying on, and looking for ways to rely on our own strength and power.
These three things are the pathway that leads to all sin. If we follow these harmful desires versus following God, we sin (Jam. 1:14-16).
"Are these things a result of the fall? Did Adam and Eve have these things when they were created?"

"And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat."-Genesis 3:6

The serpent persuaded Eve to appeal and trust in herself instead of God:

• the woman saw that the tree was good for food (lust of the flesh)
  
• it was a delight to the eyes (lust of the eyes)
  
• desirable to make one wise (pride of life)
  

God makes it very clear that even our first parents had to contend with the choice that is before all of us: we must either trust in God and walk by faith, or reject God and trust in ourselves and walk by the flesh.
Every one of these desires can be good. One can desire food because you need it to live and survive. One can also admire beauty, particularly in giving glory to God’s creation, and giving glory to your spouse. One can also pursue the wisdom of God, knowing that it doesn’t come from self, but from Him. Pursue His wisdom in order to live.
As Paul says in Romans 6:19, “ye have yielded your members servants to uncleanness and to iniquity unto iniquity”. This is a choice on our part. The desires are there, but when we indulge the desire and elevate it above all else, that leads to sin.

"But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed. Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death. Do not err, my beloved brethren."-James 1:14-16

We are made in God's image and likeness. While we do have a body that has within it desires that can lead to sin, we also have God’s law on our hearts, and a conscience, to teach us the way we should go. When we pursue the desires of the flesh, it leads to sinful self-indulgence (Matt. 23:25, Col. 2:23, 2 Pet. 2:10)

"For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting."-Galatians 6:8

Someone who chooses to follow the desires of their flesh is the one that sins. This leads to corruption and can lead to judgement and the second death, which is spiritual.
As Deuteronomy 30:19 says, “I call heaven and earth to record this day against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing: therefore choose life, that both thou and thy seed may live:”
Now, what does this mean? Let's look at Jeremiah again to elaborate on God's words:

"Thus saith the Lord; Cursed be the man that trusteth in man, and maketh flesh his arm, and whose heart departeth from the Lord. [...] Blessed is the man that trusteth in the Lord, and whose hope the Lord is."-Jeremiah 17:5, 7

This is the big picture in life. Either follow your flesh, or follow the Spirit who is there to lead us to eternal life, by witnessing and calling us to repent and trust in the Lord.
"Don't we have it worse than Adam and Eve?"
Yes, we do have it "worse" than our first parents. We have to contend with the entire fallen world now, not the wonderful Eden that they walked in and where they didn't have to work in order to survive. They walked with God. They had a garden to eat from. They did not live in a harsh environment. They had access to the Tree of Life, and no sickness or death. We lost all these things, and because of this, we have more temptations.
They also didn't have the knowledge of good and evil like we do (it appears), since that was a result of eating of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Thus, they fully knew it was good to follow what the Lord said and evil not to follow it, but they had an innocence that was unique (much like an infant).
We now have to work to survive and to live, and in that sense, everything "we" want and need becomes something that we can indulge in and is thus a temptation. We understand good and evil, and when you think about "coveting" (to desire something forbidden), we deal with that all the time, because we know everything morally that God considers forbidden. We deal with so many more things that are "the lust of the flesh" and the "lust of the eyes" and "the pride of life". They had one thing that was "forbidden", one "temptation", and we live in a world that appeals to every every kind of lust in so many more ways.
They had access to the Tree of Life and would have lived forever, but we lost that too, and now deal with sickness and death, and we again chase after ways to make our own fleshly lives easier.
Put simply, the consequences of Adam and Eve's sin are as follows:
1) Adam and Eve died spiritually, cut off from God
2) The ground was cursed
3) Adam's burden of work was increased
4) The pain of child birth for Eve increased
5) Adam and Eve were expelled from the Garden, cut off from the Tree of Life
Notice how nothing in the account of events pertaining to Adam and Eve's rebellion in the Garden of Eden even remotely suggests that we are now all born personally guilty of our forefather's sin, or that we all have a "sin nature" as a result or consequence of that sin. The only way to reach the conclusions put forth in the doctrine of Original Sin is to assume that consequence #1 here ("Adam and Eve died spiritually, cut off from God") necessarily applies to ALL humans. This man-made doctrine conflates the general and physical (fleshly) consequences we all of course experience as a result of Adam and Eve's sin with the individual and spiritual consequence that THEY experienced for their OWN actions. Such a conflation and assumption is not actually justified, as we'll soon see.
Each succeeding generation of Adam and Eve are born as mortal, responsible to God for their own choice to be righteous or wicked. Cain and Abel prove this beyond any shadow of a doubt, as they were both born after "the fall." Both were fully able to obey God within the capacity of their free will. Abel chose to offer God a more acceptable sacrifice, attaining witness that his deeds were righteous (Heb 11:4), while his brother Cain chose to do evil after God gave him the opportunity to turn and do what was right. God told him: "If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door. And unto thee shall be his desire, and thou shalt rule over him" (Gen. 4:7). The fact that he was told he could "rule over him [sin]" PROVES he had the ability and will to do so.
It would be unreasonable for God to command the impossible. Further, if sin cannot be avoided, it would be unjust to be punished for any sin. Think about it. Do you condemn the lion who must hunt and consume meat to survive, because it is in their nature to be carnivorous? Of course not. So why would you condemn a man for simply acting according to his "nature" which, according to Augustine, every man after Adam has been born with? One might argue that this isn't a good analogy, since most people would agree that animals cannot be held morally responsible for anything, since they're simply acting on instinct. But that's the point, isn't it? If we're all ultimately acting on instinct, then Original Sin would make us no different than the animals.
Most "Christians" would agree that it would be unjust for any person to be blamed for another's actions, and therefore disagree with Augustine on this point of his doctrine, but these same people never go far enough in rejecting his idea of Original Sin altogether. Instead, many will still agree with him that every human after Adam has at least inherited a corrupt and sinful nature from birth due to his sin. Yet, logic demonstrates to us that to even punish someone for acting in accordance with the nature that they were born with would also be unjust, and simply be another form of condemning a person for another person's actions, since people would be punished for a nature that was chosen for them by another man's (in this case, Adam's) sin!
But God refutes Augustinian justice over and over again, with the most explicit refutation being the entire 18th chapter of the Book of Ezekiel. This whole chapter is devoted to serving as a refutation from God that this was His idea of justice, as a similar idea to Augustine's was actually going around in Ezekiel's day. Israelites who believed similarly to Augustine were effectively accusing God of injustice by arguing that innocent children inherit the punishments of wicked fathers. God said that this wasn't true, and it STILL isn't true. Read the chapter for yourself if you don't believe me.
Sin cannot be passed from one generation to another as an inherited substance within, but the physical consequences of it can indeed be visited on future generations (Num. 14:18), as was the case with Adam. This can also be seen in the example of an alcoholic and abusive father passing on the destructive effects of his sin to children and family members. You reap what you sow and the sins of one person can bring much calamity to future generations.
Original Sin negates the whole idea of repentance if true. If man is born with a corrupted nature inherited from Adam, then his sin is a malady, like a genetic disease. How can he thus repent of a "nature," or malady, dwelling inside him? He can't, as it's absolutely impossible to rule over something he has no control over, or that occurred by the mere fact he was born.
The fact of the matter is we are different from the animals. We were created in the image of God and have been granted conscience and reason to determine right from wrong, and the ability to carry out righteousness.
Some have used Ephesians 2:3 as a Scriptural basis for Original Sin, which says:

"Among whom also we all had our conversation in times past in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind; and were by nature the children of wrath, even as others."

The word “nature” in this text has nothing at all to do with what man is by birth. The word nature here refers to the “character” of contemporary sinners before they were converted.
The word “nature” can be used in two distinct senses. It may refer to what man is involuntarily because of his birth, or it may refer to what man is voluntarily, by choice and apart from birth. The apostle Paul uses it in the latter sense in the text under consideration. They were not children of wrath by birth. They were children of wrath because of voluntary wickedness. This is evident from the context of Ephesians 2:3. The context shows that Paul did not have his eye on their birth at all when he used the word "nature." On the contrary, he had his eye wholly on the conduct of contemporary sinners before they were converted. He calls attention in verses one and two to the fact that, before their conversion, they had “walked according to the course of this world,” in “trespasses and sins.” In verse three, he calls attention to their former fellowship with other sinners in fulfilling the “lusts of [the] flesh” and “the desires of the flesh and of the mind.” And then, summing up the wickedness, the guilt, and the deserved punishment of their former life, he says “and were by nature the children of wrath, even as others.”
Adam and Eve had two natures, yet we know that they were not “created” with two natures. They had the nature they were created with, which was good and upright (Gen. 1:27, Ecc. 7:29), and they also had a sinful nature after they had sinned. It was this last nature, a “voluntary” nature, which made them “by nature the children of wrath.”
Men may have a “nature” in three distinct ways:
1) By Birth – This is the good and upright nature with which we are all created (Gen. 1:26-27; Ecc. 7:29).
2) By Having Sinned And Come Short Of The Glory Of God (Rom. 3:23) – This is a “voluntary nature” (Josh. 24:15, 1 Kin. 18:21, Matt. 6:24). It is the nature that makes us enemies of God, and “by nature the children of wrath” (Eph. 2:3).
3) By Being Born Again (John 3:3) – This is also a “voluntary” nature in which we, by faith, become “partakers of the divine nature” (2 Pet. 1:4). In order for a child of God to “maintain” that “divine nature”, he (or she) must “voluntarily” and “continuously” be “transformed” and “renewed in knowledge after the image of him that created him” (Rom. 12:2, Col. 3:10).
The word “nature” in the Bible, when it refers to our birth, never refers to a “sinful nature." This is shown in Romans 2:14, which says, “For when the Gentiles, which have not the law, do by nature the things contained in the law [...]”. Now the word “nature” in this text does refer to the nature we receive at birth. But it is evident that the word nature used here is not a “sinful nature." For how would a sinful nature ever cause a Gentile to “do by nature the things contained in the law”? A sinful nature would not cause them to do the things contained in the Law. A sinful nature would only cause them to commit sin! Read Romans 1:26-27, 2:14-15 and 1st Corinthians 11:14. These passages show that our “nature” teaches us the differences between right and wrong, but never “causes” us to do the wrong.
Animals were made to live by instinct, but man was created to govern over his instincts, keeping them within the bounds of moral restraints. When man's desires rule over him, he is governed by emotions and uses his body (flesh) as a vehicle of self-indulgence. He then becomes like a "brute beast" (2 Pet 2:12), carousing in the world with eyes full of adultery that cannot cease from sin, and a heart trained (exercised) in covetousness. As a child, man must be taught to govern his emotions, led by example and discipline, not because "the nature is corrupt," but because the common flow of influence is bent toward self-indulgence! He will naturally follow the "tradition [of his] fathers" (1 Pet. 1:17-20); and due to the fact that we are born into an environment in which the lust of flesh, eyes, and pride of life have overtaken almost every realm and facet of our existence, there is very little (if any) godly influences to guide us into a life of purity and righteousness.
Therefore, we can logically conclude that man is born into a state of neutrality, innocent of any crime against God, having no knowledge of right and wrong. The "light" of conscience is born within him (John 1:9), but through the process of time and growth, every person reaches a maturity of understanding and must make a conscious choice between right or wrong. Since sin is not what you are, but what you do (1 John 3:4), the act of wrong-doing in violation of your conscience captivates your soul into a state of self-indulgence in which you serve your base instincts (desires-lusts) and are given over to a reprobate mind and a bondage to sin (John 8:34).
This is why the Bible says: "The soul that sinneth, it shall die" (Ezk. 18:20a), not death as in cessation of this present life (as all men pass away and die; Heb. 9:23) but death spiritually, as in the light of conscience connected to God is extinguished, no longer accusing wrong doing, but excusing it as natural conduct (Rom. 1:26; 2:15), consequently becoming "by nature [a child] of wrath" (Eph. 2:3). However, in this 'dead' state, man is still walking around with the flesh, fully able to make rational choices according to logic and reason, but preferring addiction to lustful habits that enflame the passions of the flesh.
If you understand that sin is a deliberate act of the will to disobey God, as clearly shown in the Book of Genesis, you also understand what made man a sinner: not his "nature," but his choice to follow the example of wrong doing in a long line of wrong doers. Adam and Eve's child-like dependence on the Lord supports a child's knowledge of, and desire, to live by their father's will. So even prior to awareness of an existence in separation from God, the light they were given was sufficient for guidance to eat from all the trees of the garden, but abstain from eating from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Eve no doubt may have been taken advantage of, but Adam was not deceived and therefore held responsible for the consequences of sin entering into the world. He sinned against his knowledge of the truth. Therefore in the time of temptation he chose to love darkness rather than light.
"Is sin all inclusive to mankind?"
No. Many sinned by their own volition, making sin wide-ranging and extensive among the human race, but sin itself is not all inclusive because there is still a choice to be made. And again in Genesis we find that this is true in the righteous line of Seth, Enoch and Noah, who are not numbered among the sinners, but the saints, because they freely chose to seek God and not commit sin (even in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation).
Mistakes, faults of character, errors of judgment, and lack of knowledge; these kind of stumblings DO NOT HAVE CONSENT OF OUR CONSCIENCE. Logically it is impossible to make a "willful mistake," or to "willfully continue in a fault of character," or to "willfully make an error of judgment" based on incomplete knowledge. Therefore, because these three things do not have consent of our conscience, they are not willful sins unto death. The apostle John says that "there is a sin not unto to death" (1 John 5:17). These are probably sins that do not have consent of our conscience.
When God gave His Law to the Israelites, He included special instructions about sacrifices when a person, or the entire nation, sinned in ignorance (Heb. 9:7). Leviticus 4 outlines God’s provision for those who sinned unintentionally or in ignorance. Numbers 15:22-29 restates this provision and gives details about the special sacrifices required to obtain forgiveness from the Lord when someone sinned in ignorance. Since Jesus came, there is now no need of animal sacrifices; Jesus is our advocate before the Father, interceding for us as our High Priest whenever we as believers sin in ignorance or without consent of our conscience in general. In any case, we are all still called to pray for our brethren if we believe that they have sinned a sin not unto death (Gal. 6:1, 1 John 5:16-17).
Some will misinterpret Romans 3 as teaching that sin is in fact all inclusive, and thus "all have sinned." However, context dictates that this passage and the whole letter itself is specifically meant to address the rebellious nation of Israel and the Gentiles among them in their day. What Paul says in most of Romans applies to nations, not every particular individual who has lived on earth. Even Jesus said: "I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance" (Luke 5:32). Paul is shown to be consistent with Jesus when he states: "Nevertheless death reigned from Adam to Moses, even over them that had not sinned after the similitude of Adam's transgression, who is the figure of him that was to come" (Rom. 5:14).

"Why Jesus?"

Now the obvious question remains: "If man did not inherit a sinful nature from Adam and is not born dead in his sins, why does he need a Saviour?"
As we've seen, people always had the ability to choose the righteous thing in each circumstance, and so therefore it was theoretically possible (though rare) to live a sinless life in the Old Testament. However, through no fault of their own, righteous men still experienced physical death for the calamities and physical consequences brought on and into the world by Adam's sin. Scripture says the final enemy was death (1 Cor. 15:26), and clearly physical death would still need to be defeated by a Saviour if the righteous saints who came before were to be rewarded for their righteousness at the eschaton.
The Book of Hebrews says:

"Forasmuch then as the children are partakers of flesh and blood, he also himself likewise took part of the same; that through death he might destroy him that had the power of death, that is, the devil; And deliver them who through fear of death were all their lifetime subject to bondage." (2:14-15)

This passage reveals to us that man, since his expulsion from the Garden of Eden (and thus, lacking of access to the Tree of Life), has been "subject to bondage" to the evil heavenly powers through their wielding of death as a weapon to threaten those who would sacrifice righteousness for the sake of self-preservation. If you think about it, this makes a lot of sense. The best way to tempt the people of God is to threaten them with death for disobeying the temptation to sin. Thankfully, Jesus destroyed the works of the evil heavenly powers by obeying God unto death, therefore freeing men from their bondage to sin and death itself by taking the evil heavenly powers' legal claim over them out of the way.
Now, when confronted with all this, one will inevitably reason within himself and ask: "If there were people who lived without ever having wilfully sinned before Jesus, then why didn't God just send any of those people to be our Saviour instead of forcing us to wait until Jesus would come?"
This is the point at which one should begin to realize the great significance of the virgin birth. The traditional explanation for it is that a virgin birth meant Jesus was unstained by Adam’s sin. Since he did not have a natural father, he did not inherit Adam’s sinful nature. This is an oft-repeated explanation, but one that is not found in Scripture.
The true significance of the virgin birth is that Jesus was not born into Adam’s enslaved family, and only a free man can ransom a slave.
Adam’s sin put humanity on death row. Romans chapter 5 calls it living under the condemnation of sin and death. But Jesus was not of Adam’s line. He was born outside the prison.
On numerous occasions, Jesus told his disciples that he was not from earth but had come from heaven: “For I came down from heaven, not to do mine own will, but the will of him that sent me” (John 6:38). It’s like he was saying, “I’m not a prisoner. I have come from outside to set you free.”
Since Jesus is not of Adam’s line, he’s not subject to the law of death. Death can’t take him. The only way Jesus could go to the cross and die on our behalf was if he chose to.
Throughout history many pseudo-saviours have come promising freedom and most, if not, all of them were a slave to sin. They couldn’t save anyone. If you are redeemed by a slave, that slave’s master becomes your master. Even if one was truly righteous, the curse of death hung over every man born of Adam and therefore it would take someone on the outside to even break this curse for us.
Moses the deliverer shows us how this works. Moses was a type of Christ because he was the only Hebrew not owned by Pharaoh. Moses was a free man used by God to liberate a nation of slaves.
Similarly, Jesus is the only human who wasn’t a slave both to sin and death, which makes him an ideal Saviour. When you’re locked up inside, you need help from outside, and Jesus is the definition of outside help.

"None of them can by any means redeem his brother, nor give to God a ransom for him: (For the redemption of their soul is precious, and it ceaseth for ever:) That he should still live for ever, and not see corruption. For he seeth that wise men die, likewise the fool and the brutish person perish, and leave their wealth to others."-Psalm 49:7-10

Jesus becomes our brother when we choose to be born again, and thus become sons of God and "born from above" as he was.

"And he said unto them, Ye are from beneath; I am from above: ye are of this world; I am not of this world."-John 8:23
"Jesus answered and said unto him, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God. Nicodemus saith unto him, How can a man be born when he is old? can he enter the second time into his mother's womb, and be born? Jesus answered, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born of water and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God. That which is born of the flesh is flesh; and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit. Marvel not that I said unto thee, Ye must be born again. The wind bloweth where it listeth, and thou hearest the sound thereof, but canst not tell whence it cometh, and whither it goeth: so is every one that is born of the Spirit. Nicodemus answered and said unto him, How can these things be? Jesus answered and said unto him, Art thou a master of Israel, and knowest not these things? Verily, verily, I say unto thee, We speak that we do know, and testify that we have seen; and ye receive not our witness. If I have told you earthly things, and ye believe not, how shall ye believe, if I tell you of heavenly things? And no man hath ascended up to heaven, but he that came down from heaven, even the Son of man which is in heaven. And as Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness, even so must the Son of man be lifted up: That whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have eternal life. For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved. He that believeth on him is not condemned: but he that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God. And this is the condemnation, that light is come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil. For every one that doeth evil hateth the light, neither cometh to the light, lest his deeds should be reproved. But he that doeth truth cometh to the light, that his deeds may be made manifest, that they are wrought in God."-John 3:3-21
"While he yet talked to the people, behold, his mother and his brethren stood without, desiring to speak with him. Then one said unto him, Behold, thy mother and thy brethren stand without, desiring to speak with thee. But he answered and said unto him that told him, Who is my mother? and who are my brethren? And he stretched forth his hand toward his disciples, and said, Behold my mother and my brethren! For whosoever shall do the will of my Father which is in heaven, the same is my brother, and sister, and mother."-Matthew 12:46-50

Conclusion

To summarize: Man was created in the image of God to enjoy His fellowship and to fulfill His will on the earth as His steward. Man was created in innocence; but by voluntary transgression, the first man, Adam, fell into sin. As a result, the whole race was plunged into a world of disorder and death, forced to leave the peace and life that was meant for us in Eden. Humans are born innocent, but when a person grows old enough to discern between good and evil, that person can then choose to either obey or disobey their God-given conscience. A person's conscience becomes defiled when they choose disobedience, creating separation between them and God and a bondage to sin. From this condition of separation and bondage, man can be redeemed and liberated through trust in Christ's atoning sacrifice and faithful obedience to the Father (Gen. 1:26-27; 2:17; 3:6, 13-15; Ecc. 7:29; Isa. 7:15-16; Ezek. 18; Rom. 3:24-26; 5:12-19; 6:1–8:13).
We ought to reject any notion that all humans are personally guilty of what our forefather did, or that any human born after him is born with a "sinful nature" as a result of his sin. Each individual is only responsible for his or her own actions. We ought to uphold Biblical free will, as opposed to any and all forms of Augustinianism.

"Then Peter opened his mouth, and said, Of a truth I perceive that God is no respecter of persons: But in every nation he that feareth him, and worketh righteousness, is accepted with him."-Acts 10:34-35