I’m going to cut to the chase. My father was arrested last summer for a bad DUI. He had one before as well.
Growing up, my parents divorced early. My father has been sick since he graduated from college. My Mom couldn’t get him help and his side of the family didn’t want to intervene. We are a pretty tight family but since this recent incident it has been pretty much silence across the board.
I know he’s not innocent with causing the accident, but he would never mean to hurt anyone. There was one person who was injured but I know they survived and made a full recovery. Court wants to give him a sentence that would be for his life. I understand what it could have cost but I don’t believe him being behind bars would serve justice or help anybody. I’m not saying he shouldn’t face punishment but life? He’s a good man who has been sick his entire life. Since this has happened, all he does is sit in the chair, quiet. He hasn’t touched a drink since and it’s been over a year.
He’s made out as a complete monster to the public. I mean how could he not, but I know that he is a good man that needed help. So many people do. When I say he was a good person, I’m talking always volunteering for the town, family, friends, and that extended towards work doing big projects with hospitals and so much more. He was very influential and I mean it. He would do anything someone asked. I mean he is very talented. Could build a house from scratch. Anything electric, mechanic, safety, ideas, advice. He became a stay at home father. He continued volunteer. I can’t really put it into words other than all he wanted to do in his life was help people.
But towards the end of the day things would go downhill. He had a problem and always got his hands on a bottle. No one could stop him. He didn’t remember getting in the car when it happened. He was so close to being home.
I’m a young adult. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if there’s anything I can do, but I really want to try.
Does anyone have any advice on how I can help the situation? Is there anyone I can call to get more information or ask questions? Any advice would be helpful.

I don’t remember ever seeing him in these beauties…

But of context i guess I (14f) and my brother (17m) had a pretty shitty upbringing we had an abusive dad my parents divorced when I we were both too young to really remember my dad was never very violent but he was very emotional abusive I stopped seeing and talking to my dad when I was 7 due to a lot of reasons but that’s a different rant anyway after that my mum dated another abusive man he never really hit me but he did hit/ attack my brother a few times he more emotionally abused me my mum left him in November 2019 and ever since it’s just been us three my brother is very strong he’s only 5’9 but still a good bit taller than me and he’s a boxer me but I can hit a good punch as well we always argued and fought as kids but it was never really that violent kinda more pushing and wrestling anyway I’m not exactly sure when it started but I remember a few times he said some pretty shitty things to me and did some pretty shit things starting from 2020 when I was 10 my mum bought me this little short set it had a cropped hoodie that was black and shorts that were black I wore a black vest underneath and when my brother saw me in it called me a whore when he was 13 (I turned 14 recently and would never imagine saying that to a 10 year old or even thinking that about a 10 year old) and said that all I’m ever gonna be in life is a one time use for some one like Jeffery epstine this hurt me but like whatever he made me full on sob free he repeated called me autistic and “special” for over an hour and saying I was a mistake I’m not exactly sure when the violence started but I remember one time I think I was 11 he wanted the remote and I didn’t give it to him so he punched me in the face took the remote it hurt like fuck so I was crying and he told my mum I was crying because he took the remote and didn’t tell her he punched me I got called dramatic and emotional then whenever we would have a disagreement he started turning violent like basically squaring up to me if we were arguing in the car he would jump over from the front seat while my mum was driving and hit me like full on multiple shots to the face and trust me I’ve had enough punches to know they hurttttt! Like ur face and body is sore for days like multiple days when I came out as bisexual and asked to use she/they he called me a mistake and told me I’d be better off dead he called me a bunch of slurs and different shit and that went on for quite a while he doesn’t care anymore tho whenever we argue or if I do things like make a small mistake he will call me really shitty things say I’d be better dead tell me to kill myself say that he’s gonna kill me his favourite move is to chase me about the house and when I go to my room and push it shut basically push it in and hit me over small disagreements he’s basically reason why I’m insecure about a lot of things because he just basically calls every part of me ugly I think the thing recently is that he’s 17 he’s 18 in December he’s learning how to drive and like he’s too old for this bs like yk and I’m done with it in December we went to Cuba I’m Scottish and Scottish parents tend to be quite loose especially on holiday one night I get a bit too drunk and my mum tells me brother to take me home when I say too drunk I mean I am black out and the whole time we’re walking he’s saying shit to me and all this bs at the time I’m 13 and he’s 17 anyway when we get in I get very angry cause he went out for a smoke and I thought ogiht he had left me completely so very drunk me finds his favourite football shirt gets shampoo and put’s shampoo or body wash all over it I can’t really remember when he comes in he sees this and he goes mental he chases me to my room and hits me and then I’m on the bed and he starts choking me while punching the shit out of me eventually I get him out and I lock the door but he spends the full night outside the door calling me ever single name under the sun yeah I get I shouldn’t of done that but it was only body wash it comes out the next morning I wake up with some pretty nasty bruises and some marks on my neck the worse one was on my leg were he kicked me a couple times and it bruised purple for like 2 weeks the next day he acts like nothing happened like he always does somtimes I wonder if he genuinely doesn’t see a problem with his behaviour a few months later we’re arguing outside about somthing stupid and he shuved me hard I rarely hit him back when he does this shit but I told him “I’m gonna fucking hit you” he gets in my face and says “who the fuck do you think ur speaking to” he turns around I hit him in the r head so hard that his head went forward and his airpod fell out the other side he turns around and hits me 4/5 times in the face and a couple body hits we argue I go back inside he shouts for a bit but we move on today he squared up to me over something small and I told him to fuck off he chases me to my room my mum comes over he sorts it out and I tell her “I’m fucking done with this I’m not gonna live on eggshells because I’m scared of my own brother” and she’s like “I’ll talk to him” this pisses me off I’m like “no you’ve said that for the last three years if you don’t sort him out the next time he hits me or tires to I’m gonna fucking kill him I mean it” she talks to him he starts shouting at her and I’m like this can’t be normal surley but the thing is that when he’s not like this he’s a really good brother so it’s hard to not forgive him I’m so angry right now but in an hour he’ll charm his way into me forgiving him and no matter how hard I try I can’t I actually feel somtimes like he’s an abusive boyfriend that I can’t leave I mean I love my mum and my brother but it’s not like this is enough reason to leave them plus even if it was I have no where to go I have no family that would think what he does is wrong another thing is when my mums talking to me after he pisses me off tryna calm me down he stands behind her smirking trying to piss me off more

multiple content warnings, i’m sorry, this will be long, this isn’t even everything and it’s a damn book i am 19. i was 11 when i had to grow up. my parents decided to divorce after months of fighting, letting us know a week before my 12th birthday. you know, the classic divorce story. my dad moved out and my mom started dating people. it moved so fast. we moved to a different area, even though we had just moved into a new house a year earlier, leaving my childhood hometown behind. my mom was trying to pursue school so we were living on student aid and stamps. (i have 3 siblings, so there were 5 of us) i started middle school in that area and was doing pretty well off. then my mom got pretty serious with someone i’m going to call SOB, he doesn’t deserve a name. my mom and SOB were dating for two months before that thing proposed to my mom. we met him once before he was labeled our step dad. my mom sat us down and told us we’d be moving to idaho to be closer to her family. come to find out, the whole reason for going there was because SOB is an ex convict and he couldn’t leave idaho because that’s were his parole was.
we were told at the time that he was framed for kidnapping and he had a whole story crafted to back it up. being a kid and needing my mom, i didn’t ask or dig about it. so we moved to idaho. i started school there and immediately got death threats. i got called a hoe relentlessly for seemingly being pretty. eventually things calmed down and i had friends, but that place was tiny and once people have formed an opinion of you, there’s no changing it, so it was hard to get around.
SOB was awful to my younger brother. we’ll call this brother zayn. zayn has bad adhd and has always struggled with school. he’s one of the smartest people i know, but getting assignments in is not his forte. so as a result he’s never had the highest grades. SOB hated the fact that my brother wasn’t doing great and would literally stand there and scream at him to get his work done. there was one time that i was in my room and i started to hear my brother screaming so immediately i’m upstairs to help him, SOB was literally chasing my brother around our house with a damn bat screaming at him like a demon was coming out. i yelled at him to leave my brother alone and things just got darker after that. me and my brother were scum to him and he ran our house like the hunger games. my other little brother and my older sister were prized jewels, they got everything they wanted and more, and SOB would rub it in our faces. he even gave my dog away, i went days worrying about her and looking because i thought she had ran away, to find out that some other person had my dog now and i wouldn’t ever get her back.
fasting forward a little, SOB violated his parole by going on a trip that wasn’t fully approved and got put back in jail right before christmas. my mom completely threw herself into trying to get him out. me and my sister noticed that my mom hadn’t gotten a single thing to be santa for my brothers, so we scraped up the money we had to get gifts so my brothers wouldn’t lose their christmas spirit seeing that santa didn’t come when things were already so bad as it was. i love that i was able to do this for them, the smiles on their faces, i will never forget that christmas.
after a long time of having a very absent mother, she was able to get SOB out of jail. he came back even worse of a monster then when he left. he sexually assaulted my mom, committed all kinds of fraud, basically stole all of my papa’s retirement money, the list goes on. my mom decided she wanted a divorce and when he found out, he went crazy. he locked all of us out of our house and threw our things on the lawn. it rained, i lost so many things, a one of a kind paper mache venitian mask i had gotten on a trip with my dad to italy included.
it’s 2020 by now and we went on a trip to Texas, to meet the person my dad was dating. on the trip, I very much learned that she was not for my dad. but, all reasoning was in vain. my dad proposed, and we had literally just met her. so that was that my dad was engaged now and focused on trying to move them out to him and getting a new house. my mom decided at that time that she wanted to move too so we had a choice, move to my dads and go back to the area i grew up in, or go with my mom to another ranch town in idaho. i chose my dads. my brothers came with, but my sister stayed with my grandparents where we lived in idaho so she could graduate.
things were fine for a bit. my mom was dating a lot and even got engaged. then she told us about this other guy she had been seeing, who had given her a 500 mile ride home from somewhere. immediately suspicious, especially because she wouldn’t drop a name. come to find out other guy was SOB. SOB proposes to her again and she’s got two engagement rings from two different people. everyone was like, what the actual shit are you doing. my mom was in a very cooky state of mind, broke things off with the other guy, and stayed with SOB. there was a weekend in september that my cousin had something going on so my extended family and everything was all there and we decided there needed to be some kind of intervention. to keep things short, it didn’t go well. my mom ended up leaving and she told me and my sister that she didn’t want to be our mom anymore. found out through facebook a couple days later that my mom and SOB were married.
then came the everlasting fun of a custody battle. my step mom had gotten into my dads head saying he needed to take full custody. now i wasn’t the biggest fan of my mom at the time, but that didn’t mean i never wanted to see her. my parents hated each other. there were a few times in exchanges that the cops ended up being called.
for a while my dad had pretty bad anger issues. low blood sugar, overstimulation, bad smells, anything could set him off. i just so happened to have a very large target on my back so i got the brunt of everything. i wouldn’t let him yell at my brothers and this resulted in me getting the lashings, but i would do it all again if that meant protecting my brothers. he wasn’t angry all the time, there were a lot of good days, but it was definitely pretty tortuous for a while. a lot of the problem, which i knew would happen to begin with, was my step mom. she is one of the laziest people i’ve ever known, which is the complete opposite of my dad. my dad likes to do things, he’s always active. so he was frustrated because he would want to do things with his wife there, and she would almost always refuse, so she could have a quiet day in bed. my step mom had also convinced herself that i was stealing from her. she ransacked my room multiple times, to no avail. she took my car keys ‘until she could prove i was taking things from her’ and i only got them back because they were sick of giving me rides places. she actually ended up stealing some of my things trying to claim they were hers, so she hid them and i haven’t seen them since.
so yeah i got yelled at a lot, accused of being a thief, and my relationship with my mom was shit + the joys of high school. i have been doing musical theater my whole life. when i first got to my new high school i was so excited because, although i wasn’t able to audition for the productions companies that year, the teacher told me i was a shoe in for the next year. she ended up leaving and we got a new teacher, if you can even call her that. so it’s my junior year, the first year with her, and it wasn’t bad, i got some good parts and did really well. i ended up getting nominated for an award for one of my performances and it was at this time, i don’t know what happened, but she did not like me anymore. she told me that she accepted the nomination for me, but i found out not too long later that she never accepted it and i was in favor to win so the judges were very puzzled by it. she accepted my friends nominations and kinda rubbed it in my face that i never got anything back. like’ awe are you sad because you didn’t hear anything from the judges? well so and so over here did😈’
the summer after that year i cut my hair pretty short. i wouldn’t say i’m not ‘girly’ but i definitely have a more masculine ‘bro’ persona comparatively. so now it’s my senior year, it matters a lot more at this point to try for good parts because it’s my last run. to keep it simple, my teacher wouldn’t cast me because i was too masculine, not even as a guy ?? idk make it make sense. i got one part my entire senior year, and i know it’s not because i’m bad. but i wrote and produced my own show that ended up being 100x the quality of the shows she produced, so i did get redemption. long story short, it really sucks to watch the peers your just as good as continue to succeed, while you get kicked out of the room for being distracting when you haven’t said a word. the reason they didn’t like me ? i’m good at improv, i kid you not i was told i was too creative and it bothered them. i know my presence scared the teachers there because i’m not a classic conformist theater kid that does anything and everything the teacher says.
anyways, so after years of trying to rekindle a relationship with my mom, fighting with an ass teacher and getting yelled at almost daily, a lot of worth questioning, and a flurry of weed later, i graduated.
both of my brothers in this time attempted to end their lives and were in facilities for a bit. i decided at that time to move in with my mom to hopefully help our relationship. it did a lot. me and my mom are best friends now. but it hasn’t been because of nothing. SOB had become the most controlling narcissistic asshole and my mom was just acting having any feelings for him so he wouldn’t take everything away from her. he monitored everything my mom did. he hit my mom in an intimate moment, and almost beat zayn, but i covered him and ended up slicing my arm open on our fireplace, once again i would do this 100 times over to protect my brother. i decided i wanted to dig everything up on him that i could. what i found was mortifying. i won’t go into too much detail, but there were a lot of charges, multiple of them being SA of a child. i vowed at that moment that i would do anything it takes to get him back behind bars. he’s actively on the offender list and he works across the street from a preschool, not on my fukin watch ass hat.
i will never forget the true terror on my moms face that that man caused. it got to the point where my mom would get really scared if she started crying because she knew he’d freak out at her if he noticed. i came back to my locked room, that i have the only key to, with holes in my walls in weird places, and in my bathroom too. a couple days before, my brother found a camera in his room, so i knew what it was and that SOB was spying on me. i taped them all up and came to stay at my bfs house and have been here since. after months of his treacherous cycle my mom had enough and left to a safe house, she’s there now. the divorce is going though but from some reason the stupid system denied my mom a protective order against him. he has full access to our house and things right now, and he’s trying to make 90,000 so he can baile his way out of the insurance fraud case against him that could get him back in jail in june. i’m so worried he’s selling my things because he so would. everything i have left is in that house and it’s all at his whim now.
when i moved in with my mom, i started a job at a fancy high end restaurant because i knew it would be good money. i’ve had problems with this my entire life, but ever since starting my job there, i have experienced countless creeps who have sexualized me in more ways then i thought possible. it’s made me feel so worthless. it’s people i work with and people who come in. drunk guys from the bar are the worst, and they’re all filthy rich so they don’t care about a thing in the world. i need to quit but i don’t know where else to go
my dad has now decided as of like two weeks ago, that he will be moving to florida. i never anticipated him moving across the country and leaving the last place i could call home. he also started therapy a couple months ago and his anger issues are pretty much nonexistent at this point. so i got my dad back but now he’s leaving again. i always hoped that as i got older, my family would always be pretty close, close enough that i could seem them once a week if i wanted. it’s really killing me because i was so close to that, to getting my family back. my sister has been in france the last couple years and she’s coming back in a couple weeks. my dad will be moving almost immediately after. we finally got to a point where my mom is free, my dad is happy, we’re all healing, and now my family will be broken up more then ever before by distance. my parents don’t hate each other anymore, my sister is coming home, we would all be able to spend time together again, never more.
so i’m at this point now, where i’ve been fighting for my family, taking every hit with hope in my heart for something i was so close to having, for 7 years i’ve been hoping. and just like that, the light at the end of this very long, cold and dark tunnel fades, and i’m left once again, in the cold dark nothingness that is hoping for a better day, that will never come.
so i’m left questioning, is overcoming another mountain worth it if there’s a whole range of painful climbing ahead of me? i’m so tired, my whole body hurts every day, my mind and soul are toiled with the pain of my lifetime, everyone in my family is moving on with their own paths and it’s only a matter of time before i’m only hearing from them every once in a while. i don’t want to do life, the world is so messed up right now and i don’t see it getting better. there’s too much pain and i can’t handle it. nothing seems worth hoping let alone living for anymore. i bid you adieu and wish you all the best 💗

Ran into my ex in public 10 days ago with his (rebound) gf he’s been cheating on with me (I know I’m horrible but like I did think he had more character than this and was going to leave her)
His gf got one look at me and freaked out and stormed out of the concert venue. He didn’t chase after her and proceeded to watch the entire concert alone (I saw his seat across the way as I was attending with a friend)
I know I need to cut this cancer out of my life but doing that would be easier with some clarity… please weigh in!!!
Why did he block me?? I texted him next day and it went through, but later that evening when he was with her I got blocked.
Full story …. Listen I know I need to forget this man and move on forever, if he came back today I’d punch him in the face. But as a part of my processing… I’m an analytical person and I’m trying to understand wtf happened.
Ex is divorced with 4 children. I am never married. I welcomed him and his kids into my life, and into my families. Had them over to my childhood home for holidays, rented out condos as a big group for vacations, etc….anyway…
My ex and I were together for 4 years, knew each other as friends for 8 before that. We broke up (I initiated), continued seeing each other for 3-4 months. I thought we were working on things but he started pushing me away the minute he found someone new (took him about 3 weeks on a dating app). They’ve been together almost a year now.
After he found her last may/jube. I went no contact for three months. I reached out and he responded positively. I asked him if he loved this girl and he said “I think so but it’s nothing like you.” Repeatedly he told me she wasn’t a long term thing, and I know she’s never met his kids. My ex and I started seeing each other and sleeping together every 2-3 weeks from October up until 2 weeks ago when I ran into him and the gf at a concert. She ran away when she saw me, and left him to watch the concert alone. I barely spoke to him and didn’t speak to her at all.
I will say her and I are very different physically. I’m a tall athletic blonde, and she’s a short much more in, curvy ? (Trying to be nice here) brunette.
I sent him a text the next day saying sorry for her leaving I didn’t mean for my presence to make anyone uncomfortable and that there is enough room in this city for all of us, and told him I wish he had a better day today. And that evening (when I presume he was with her) I was blocked. Up until that day everything was normal. Why the ultra sudden change? Does he hate me? I’m moving in forever but trying to find minimal answers to help me move towards a place of peace

For starters, everybody in this story is an adult, and nobody lives in the same house.
I’m a man, and I have two older sisters, and one is a monster. Growing up she chased mom with an butcher knife, beat my mom, and me and my younger sister, tried to kill me with an axe (yes, I posted about this before), and many other violent things.
Years ago, just before he died, my father told me my oldest sister (the monster) had confessed in an email to beating my mother recently. (Mom and dad had been divorced for decades, and dad hated mom for cheating on him for years. So yeah, it’s not a great family.)
Anyway, my dad warned my sister that what she was doing was called “granny bashing,” and could land her in prison.
Soon after that conversation Dad died, and the whole conversation sort of faded from my mind.
A few years later, my mother‘s current husband, who is now an 85-year-old man, pulls me aside and pleads with me, “please don’t let your older sister move in with your mother when I die. She’ll kill your mother. He’s repeated this conversation to me at least two other times, and says during a vacation together my sister had beat my mother. Of course I’m concerned, but mom always protects my oldest sister, because she feels guilty for how she turned out. So I told my father-in-law, “There’s no way mom would listen to me. I don’t have any persuasion in the circumstance.”
When I asked Mom about this, she firmly denied that my sister had ever beat her. I brought this up, concerned, repeatedly, but mom always denied it.
Until yesterday.
OK, so it’s been a couple years since those conversations with my stepfather have occurred, but a few days ago, I learned my mother has named my eldest sister to be the executor of her will. (Bare in mind this is a pretty significant will, with 7 kids who stand to inherit around $300,000 each.)
This leads to a long conversation with me and my mom about how terrible of an idea I think it is a terrible idea to make my sister executor of the will, as she’s very volatile, quick to throw tantrums, and had been violent in the past. My mom is the only person who’s forgiven her, so when my mom dies, she will be absolutely alone, and devastated. This will trigger The Monster.
Anyway, during that conversation, I bring up the fact that my stepdad has told me that my sister beats her (my mom). And that my natural father told me that my sister confessed to beating my mother.
At first, Mom denied it, but then she eventually admitted it, but it was a very subtle admission. She simply said, “yeah, well, your father beat me, too.”
That clearly states both my sister the monster, and my father, had beat my mother. And my sister had done so within the last few years.
So what do I do?
I’m absolutely not looking for more family drama, and I don’t know that this has happened recently, but I definitely don’t want it to happen again. Do I tell the police? Do I tell my other sister? (I mentioned it to my younger sister a couple of days ago, and she denied it, saying my mother‘s husband probably exaggerated. But now that mom has admitted it, my younger sister can’t deny any longer.)
Or do ignore it, and hope the next time it happens, mom doesn’t get killed? Again, my mom is 82, and it’s been in and out of the hospital recently a bunch. So she’s very frail.
I’m at a complete loss.
EDIT: for those of you saying “call adult protective services”, remember my mom denies the violence to protect my sister, and will just deny it to APS.
Also, for those saying I’m the Asshole for not doing something sooner, remember, my mom has denied it every day up until yesterday. And even if she had admitted to me, I would still be in the same position I’m in now: what do I do if I know my mom is going to deny it to adult protective services?

Spin-Off of I Am SOLO

Catch up with the lives of former cast members of I Am SOLO.
나는 SOLO, 그 후 사랑은 계속된다

Cast of Solo Guesthouse 5 (SGH5) : Once More Special Season

Men

Name	Birth Year	IG	Claim to IAS fame
S6 Young Soo	1987	yooooooniverse & YT channel	US military guy posted to Korea. SelectedOkSoon.
S11 Young Sik	1985	stuart_seungkyu	Mensa member. SelectedYoung Ja
S13 Kwang Soo	1989	barosl	Software nerd. Final couple with Sun Ja during their season. They were almost edited out from the show because she hid her divorce from everyone. He has appeared on SGH2.
S15 Young Soo	1985	85_is_true	Alcoholic accountant with 0 rizz in the balance. Selected Sun Ja after much coaching.
S17 Young Soo	1985	ssong_0502	Has main character energy. Kept YSook as backup while chasing OkSoon. Selected OkSoon.
S18 Young Ho	1986	viva_jeon	Final couple with JungSook. Chased HyunSook on the side.

Women

Name	Birth Year	IG	Claim to IAS fame
S8 Ok Soon	1994	ayo_a0	Her popularity improved as the season progressed. Selected by YoungSik.
S11 Sun Ja	1995	sssaenggg	Sings well. Turns on the aegyo while eating. Final couple with YoungChul.
S15 Jung Sook	1990	lucyyy_in_seoul	Was only interested in YoungHo. Dominated a dodge-ball game. Did not make a final selection.
S15 Hyun Sook	1991	auddu_omy	Refused to wear a wedding dress as part of a random date with YoungHo. Following that, her behavior led her to become a top-tier villain. She read an apology off a paper several times during the live stream.
S17 Young Sook	1992	03_236	Cancer researcher. Selected YoungSoo despite him selecting OkSoon earlier.
S17 Sun Ja	1993	miinzzi	Lived in Paris for 8 years. Mid season dumped Young Sik without an apology to end up selecting the slippery KwangSoo. Apologized to Young Sik during the live stream and swore off dating till the new year.

Panel

• Defconn - thugdefconn
• Gyeongree (9Muses) - gyeongree
• Jo Hyun Ah (Urban Zakapa) - tenomahj

Links

Kocowa - Subs usually go up +24h from broadcast time.
Official YouTube channel - Clips from episodes and live stream
Wiki - Unofficial and it's in Korean. Turn on auto-translate in Chrome browser.

Previous Solo Guesthouse S5 Discussion Posts

SGH5E01, SGH5E02, SGH5E03, SGH5E04, SGH5E05, SGH5E06
NOTE: This discussion post may (and probably will) contain spoilers
It is suggested to please add spoiler tags to relevant sections of comments before the English subs are released for the episode.
It is requested to clearly note and add spoiler tags to Season-spoilers at all times.
See the Rules wiki entry for help on adding spoiler tags.

I have a customer in a very profitable community who is growing increasingly difficult. I want to end our relationship and send their business elsewhere. This customer is very active in the community and I'll be honest - this customer is the one who everyone else in the community looks to for references. I don't want this person's business anymore as they're becoming a liability. No matter what advice I give, there's always a retort and a ton of push back. My service revolves around fire safety and I can no longer deal with someone who "knows more than me".
Once I express that I will no longer service their address, they will take to the all powerful internet and chase me out like they did with a landscaper. They're the kind of customer who just can't take no for an answer and will act accordingly.
I'm concerned that in defending myself to the other customers, it may come across as libel.
This divorce is needed. Suggestions?

Hello, I've posted before about my situation with my husband who is the USC. Our marriage had to be rushed because I was affected by layoffs but we didn't have any problems proving our marriage was real because of all our joint history and well because it was real, just moved up. I've since been living together with my husband and share the same bank accounts.
Here's the problem - I moved into his apartment and he has an ongoing rift with his landlord where he doesn't want to sign a new lease with them because right now it's month to month after the previous one naturally expired. He is required to add everyone staying at the residence on his lease but doesn't want to add me on it because the landlord will use it as an opportunity to force him into a new tenured lease. He likes the flexibility of month to month and doesn't wanna lose it. As a result we don't have a ton of joint address evidence and as I've posted before we have found some fundamental incompatibilities that may mean we head for divorce but everything is amicable, there is no abuse - we're just very unhappy but still care and look out for each other deeply. If apply for a divorce waiver i751, would the following evidence be sufficient?

• Joint bank account showing both our direct deposits and usage (although there's no way to show this other than screenshots of our chase transactions)
• my car is registered here my credit card statement showing this address
• his utility bills showing this address
• we can get affidavits from friends and family too
• I'm on his health insurance from work
• I'm currently on his life insurance and other beneficiary
• he is beneficiary of my stock investments but I've almost sold my full position

I'm trying to convince him to go to couples counseling and he might relent so we might have invoices from that too.I didnt intend on this outcome for my life but here am, I am just really worried about the life I have built here over the last 10 years also so want some advice. Will the above case with that evidence look too fishy to USCIS? Should we just stay married until I get my GC? (And endure another 2-3 years of this unhappiness?

Hello, I've posted before about my situation with my husband who is the USC. Our marriage had to be rushed because I was affected by layoffs but we didn't have any problems proving our marriage was real because of all our joint history and well because it was real, just moved up. I've since been living together with my husband and share the same bank accounts. Here's the problem - I moved into his apartment and he has an ongoing rift with his landlord where he doesn't want to sign a new lease with them because right now it's month to month after the previous one naturally expired. He is required to add everyone staying at the residence on his lease but doesn't want to add me on it because the landlord will use it as an opportunity to force him into a new tenured lease. He likes the flexibility of month to month and doesn't wanna lose it.
As a result we don't have a ton of joint address evidence and as I've posted before we have found some fundamental incompatibilities that may mean we head for divorce but everything is amicable, there is no abuse - we're just very unhappy but still care and look out for each other deeply. If I apply for a divorce waiver i751, would the following evidence be sufficient?

• Joint bank account showing both our direct deposits and usage (although there's no way to show this other than screenshots of our chase transactions)
• my car is registered here
• my credit card statement showing this address
• his utility bills showing this address
• we can get affidavits from friends and family too
• I'm on his health insurance from work
• I'm currently his life insurance and other beneficiary
• he is beneficiary of my stock investments but I've almost sold my full position

I'm trying to convince him to go to couples counseling and he might relent so we might have invoices from that too.
I didn't intend on this outcome for my life but here I am, I am just really worried about the life I have built here over the last 10 years also so want some advice. Will the above case with that evidence look too fishy to USCIS? Should we just stay married until I get my GC? (And endure another 2-3 years of this unhappiness?

I jumped on the end of the live. I haven't seen Spam so worn. It's like catching up to her. U can only go so far and then u hit the wall. And did anyone else see how red and glossy Math eyes were?
What ever is happening in their world is bad. They are both extremely stressed. Spammy is so pale. She is always so tan after a cruise.
I really think her mom is there to help them. They are prob over whelmed. Thought the swamp would sell quick. They had that hot min of the business selling. And tax season just by. I am sure they had to deal a whole lot for that And cotel and house proceeds.
I can't say I feel bad. They have lived and they have to live it.
I know way back when I went thru my divorce, I looked alot like her. The stress being caught off guard. 7 years married planned out the whole thing. My son was a year old had a rare heart surgery and my X told me 3 days prior he wanted a divorce. Not saying that's happening. But there is something big. I hope they do find a new therpist and put their ducks in a row and stop chasing stalker ghost that does not exist.
Guess this melt down is going to be as big as loosing the dream home.
Nite

In the Era of Fear I Comfort them with Great Love
Anita Moorjani was cured from cancer not because of a certain medicine, vaccine or chemotherapy. She was cured because of this Great Love. Anita Moorjani is a forty years old woman who is simple and honest. She was born in India, grew up in Singapore and was English educated. Later she went to Hong Kong. She knows Tamil, English and Cantonese. In 2002 the doctor said that she was down with cancer lymphoma or the blood cell tumor. After four years, in 2006 seventy percent of her body is covered with the cancerous cells. She stayed in the hospital, suffering terribly because of this illness. Later the doctor pronounced her death. After three days she woke up and was cured miraculously. This is truly inconceivable when she woke up from her death. In her mind she was very sure she was cured already. No treatment was needed. But she was very weak. She could not even talk. The doctor was surprised of her condition and again they carried out a checking on her body and found that she was free from all symptoms of cancer. In her mind she knew she was already cured. In her mind there was a great transformation that she personally experienced. And all the cells on her body were transformed into healthy cells. Later she wrote a book entitles: After dying once I finally learn to love’ By looking at this title, it coincides with Master Shan Dao’s teaching on the one with deep faith in the dharma. He said, ‘Standing here is waiting to die. Going forward is also death. Turning back, I too cannot escape from death.’ This can be found in the ‘Analogy of two rivers and one white lane’ the three sure deaths. If we have died once, we will truly give ourselves up. This is the same as the Pure Land teaching that we have to admit we are the sinful mundane man. We lose all hope as we have no ways to leave the triple realm. In cultivation we need to really undergo a total death in order to really practise the path. The zen cultivator says this is known as undergoing great death and great living. Otherwise, no real cultivation can be expected because most of us are very arrogant, very self-centred, without much changes in our stubborn mindset. That is why she said after dying once only she managed to learn how to love. In the Pure Land door this is known as having deep faith. Such a man will surely have faith in Amitabha’s 48 vows to gather in living beings without any doubts and suspicion. By relying on the strength of the Buddha’s Vows we will surely attain a rebirth. This is living in the great love of Namo Amitabha Buddha. We receive the love of Amitabha Buddha. Only then we can have the genuine love and we are able to learn to love. If we do not feel the love of Amitabha Buddha, we will not know how to love. Our love will be frightening as it is an attachment, a desire to control, to possess others. Such a love is impure, it is a threat to us. If we are not careful it might turn into hatred. Such is a frightful kind of love. If we learn from Amitabha Buddha, the love is pure, without condition and transparent. This is truly loving a person. It is not easy to learn this. We look at the couples around us. So many got married and end up in divorce. How about those who do not get a divorce? Yes, they spend the whole life fighting！The truly loving couples are as few as the stars in the broad day light. So, learning to love is our homework for the whole life. It is not easy. Today I would like to discuss this passage with you. After reading her writing I feel most shameful as what the author has said is very true in accord with her experience. Even though I have left home for more than twenty years, receiving the teaching of the Buddha, the guidance of the patriarch, the exhortation of my Master, the help of my lotus friends and all, I still feel I am lacking in genuine practice and virtues. On the contrary this lady has not met with the Buddha Dharma. She has such an awakening after dying once, it is truly a gain for her. She said, ‘After my body stopped functioning, I entered into another world.’ She was so seriously ill that her heart, her liver and everything stopped functioning. This is to show there is a world after death. She said, ‘I saw myself as a very wonderful person. This is because I was not terrorised until I had a change in shape.’ ‘I felt there was this vibrant energy around me and I was able to enter it. I realise if a man can see his wonderful existence, he must be the happiest man.’ Most of us like to complain about our imperfect existence. We often think thus, ‘I do not have enough money. I am not healthy. I am not pretty. I do not have enough clothing ….’ Here we must learn to see the good points in us, to appreciate the value of our existence. A woman who can say like this is truly very calm in mind. A man who always complains about himself will not be able to live happily each day. So, without knowing the love of Amitabha for us, we will be a great complainer. We complain about no money, we complain about our look, our wrinkles and so on and so forth. What kind of life will this be with so many complaints? She said, ‘I found that there was this power surrounding me.’ When we pass away, we will no longer be using our eyes, ears, nose, tongue, body and mind to observe. Instead, we will be awakened to our innate Buddha. She felt she is surrounded by this vibrant field of energy and she is also this energy. What kind of power is this? It is a kind of energy. It is always in the universe or the dharma realm in the Buddhist terms. In fact, this is Amitabha Buddha. This is the strength of the Buddha Nature. She uses her Buddha Nature to experience the Buddha Nature. It exists forever. It is neither born nor become extinct. If the Buddha enters the world or does not enter the world, it is always there without changing. Of course, she does not use these Buddhist terms. She said, ‘When I give up the attachment to the mundane world, I enter another world effortlessly. It is unnecessary to pray, to recite a sutra or to give a dharma talk. It is unnecessary to seek forgiveness, repentance or other methods.’ ‘Death gives me the feeling that I do not need to do anything. It is just as though I am telling someone I am coming to the end. I cannot do anything anymore. I give up. Whatever you want to do I will just accept.’ I feel that this passage is very near in meaning to the Pure Land’s view. It means when we die, we have just to let go as nothing can be done anymore. Most people die in torment as there are many attachments in this world. They are worried about their children, money and work. Some people find it difficult to die. So, from here we must learn to let go when it is our turn to leave the world. Moreover, we have the promise from Amitabha Buddha who will come to receive us in accord with the strength of his vows. It is much easier for us. This lady just let go and she entered another world. Her state should be quite high too. I will explain below. I feel that she had arrived at the border of the Pure Land. Her state of an awakened mind showed that she was not in the heaven. She seemed to be enlightened to the Buddha nature and non -existence of a self. She experienced the light of enlightenment and returned to life, to lead a life of love. So, in our practice we are told to let go of all attachment and to wish for a rebirth in the Pure Land relying on Amitabha’s strength of vows. So from here we can see it is very easy to be born in the World of Ultimate Bliss. She said it is unnecessary to recite a sutra, a dharma or seeking for forgiveness. She enters the other world naturally when she simply gives up herself. I remember once I went with my Master to console a dying man. I was very touched by my Master’s words. He said kindly to the man who is on the verge of death, ‘So and so, now we will recite Namo Amitabha Buddha. If you can recite, then recite together. If you can’t, just lay down and relax. It is ok if you just listen to our recitation.’ Are not these words very comforting? The dying man will feel very safe and relax. But if you were to say, ‘So and so, this is the last chance. Bring out all your strength to face death. If you can recite then recite together. If you cannot recite, you must try also!’ On listening to this threat, the sick man is stressed out. He will die instantly as he has no strength to join in recitation. The Master who with his great love understands the rescue of Amitabha Buddha is a natural process that he is able to say in such a comforting way. No condition is needed. There is no threat nor fright in his words. A man who threatens people is not calm as he must be frightened too in his mind. That is why what he says will frighten people, giving stress to others. If we are loving in our mind, our words will only bring love, peace and calm to others. People will feel our love for them. So, this lady says it is unnecessary to read or recite any prayer or seeking forgiveness. This is because the wavelength of her mind is on a par with the great love of the universe. She naturally enters it. Namo Amitabha Buddha is a dharma that requires no seeking or pleading. It is a dharma of rescue without condition. When we recite Namo Amitabha Buddha, the wavelength of our mind is the same as Amitabha Buddha. So, we will attain a rebirth naturally. Many of us who do not understand the kindness of Amitabha Buddha will seek a rebirth by pleading to the Buddha every day. His mind is unsettled and frightened that he might be left out. This is because he does not understand when he recites the Buddha’s name, the wavelength of his mind is in the same frequency with Amitabha Buddha’s mind and vows. Then people will ask, ‘Do we still go to recite the Buddha’s Name for the dying man?’ ‘Yes, of course.’ This is because the dying man has yet to understand this point. When we recite for him, he will be safe in the shine of Namo Amitabha Buddha. This is a method which is bestowed upon us to save us with this Name in accord with the strength of the Buddha’s vows. When she says to somebody, this refers to Amitabha Buddha. She says she cannot do anything anymore and she gives up. She gives herself up to the Buddha. So, when we die do not try to fight with death and refuse to die. We must just admit we are the offender and we need the help of Amitabha Buddha to take us, to rescue us. Namo is to admit we take refuge in the Buddha, we surrender ourselves. When we cultivate this door, we must not add in our ideas. We must just let Amitabha Buddha to decide for us. This is because Amitabha has the power of great vow, the extensive great strength of the Buddha Nature, the strength of immeasurable light, the strength of immeasurable lifespan. We just have to give up all planning. He will plan for us. So, when we recite the Name of the Buddha, just recite without thinking of doing this or that trying so hard to reach a certain acceptable standard. These are all unnecessary. This type of thinking is the habit of the sagely path cultivators. When we sit on the plane, just sit there. The plane will bring you to your destiny. It is unnecessary for you to help the plane to fly. Amitabha Buddha the pilot does not need you to fly the plane. If he needs your help then he is not known as Amitabha Buddha. Anita said, ‘In the other world, I found that my mind is very clear and bright. I realise by myself that I will only die out of the fear and terror in my mind.’ These words are very true. Clarity of mind means her mind is pure. In this world our mind is turbid, dark and deluded. That is why are enveloped in all kinds of worries and terror. But once we arrive at the Pure Land, we will naturally be pure and bright. This is because the land is pure and is enveloped in bright illumination. She said she naturally know she will be cured. This knowing ability is possessed by us originally. No learning is needed because our Buddha nature is originally pure and bright. In the Saha world our ability is being covered up by afflictions. But when we arrive at the World of Ultimate Bliss, we will naturally possess this ability. This ability reappears relying on the strength of Vows of Amitabha Buddha. When we arrive at the Pure Land, we will naturally possess the ability to make offerings to the Buddha. On hearing one sentence we are enlightened to the millions. Our mind is opened up to the thousands of million Dharanis. Everyone of us have this innate ability. And Amitabha Buddha’s strength of Vows enhances its opening. In this Saha World our innate nature is all covered up and cannot function. In the world of ultimate bliss, by relying on Amitabha Buddha’s strength of great vows, our innate ability is open up. So they are not contradicting. ‘I naturally know the source of the thought that I will die. The source is I was frightened. If there is no fear, there is no death.’ In actuality there is no death. It is only our fear of death that this illusion comes froth. In Buddha dharma we should know death itself is an illusion. Time is also an illusion. That is why the Buddha speaks all the Sutra in this manner, ‘Thus have I heard, at one time the Buddha was…..’ No specific time is stated. Now the physics has proven its illusory. As time is an illusion, it does not exist. Let me give you an example of what is meant by death. It is as if we are driving a car into a tunnel. The shape of the tunnel resembles that of a tomb. And we keep on driving into it. We say we are entering the tomb, that we are going to die soon. We are threatened as the entrance represents death. We continue on our journey in the tunnel and later leave the tunnel, again travelling on our way to another destiny. The entrance of the tunnel, the funeral wreath looks like the tomb. For us, death is a terrible idea that we are fearful of it. We do not know life is a continuity and there is no death. It is our wrong concept that there is this section of birth and death. No one can do anything about it until they personally realise it. ‘I am unable to live out my real self as I have too much worried.’ Most of us live in this world wearing a mask. If everyone of us is free to show our real self this is the most beautiful side of a self. Why cannot we live the way we should live? It is because we are always burdened with worries. We are worried we are not good enough. We are worried that our parents will scold us. We are worried our teacher will get angry and criticize us. We are worried about losing face. We only live for others. We lose our life away trying to accord to others’ expectation. We lose the light of a happy life. Our life is controlled by all these worrisome thoughts. But if we truly recite the Buddha’s Name, our mind will be at ease. Amitabha Buddha takes away our worries by replacing them with Namo Amitabha Buddha. We will realise all these worries and views are not important and we will gradually pay no attention to them. Our true life is Buddha recitation. That is our real identity. Our mind will be at ease as we will pay no attention to those unreal things, words and ideas. Our worries only arise when we care too much about the mundane matters. The author has not learnt about Buddhism. This is her experience in death. What she has written is very personal, true experience, not something that we learn from a book. Her experience gives her an awakening to the reality of life and she lives out her life in this awakening. I saw her video and I feel she is an enlightened person. An enlightened person may not be replete with spiritual penetration. But she will reveal her love in her daily living. She is calm at ease and without any sense of fear in her mind. She leads her life in a genuine way. She said, ‘I know that cancer is not a punishment neither is it a retribution. Cancer is my energy capacity which reveals itself on my body. Because of my fear I am unable to reveal the beautiful self in me. And this is the job which should be carried out by me. I know that cancer is not a punishment which is forced on me. It is not an external force of retribution.’ This is what we often do when certain things happen, we will try to find an excuse or put the blame on reward or retribution. We treat the misfortune with anger and hatred. We often have this tendency to catogorise every happening in accord with the cause or reason. In Buddhism we talk about cause and effect. As she is not a Buddhist she says, ‘Cancer appears as a result of a change in my energy capacity. This energy shows itself in the form of cancer.’ This is because she lives in fear and worries. She does not live out her real happy self. So if we the Buddha recitation cultivators are able to reveal the bright side of life, to live without worries, there will be no more cancer for us. This is her understanding about life. That is why I have often said, ‘Lead a life of a mundane man and recite the Buddha’s Name sincerely.’ We should lead a life of Amitabha Buddha. Our life will be full of light and blessings. And we will become more loving. Finally we will lead a comfortable life and people around us will be comfortable also. This itself is the propagation of the dharma of love. Otherwise, if we cannot live a loving life, there is no point talking about anything as they will be useless. Anita said, ‘In that state which is vast and limitless, I found that I am too strict with myself. I keep on whipping myself.’ Can we feel the existence of being vast and limitless? No. We are often limited by our surrounding. As she had entered the limitless vastness, she is able to know her whole life. She knows her fault is being too strict with herself. In fact, most of us are very strict with ourselves, demanding ourselves to be like this or that. She said, ‘No one is punishing me. The person whom I cannot forgive is I myself. I have abandoned myself. I do not love myself. This matter is none of others’ business.’ No one from outside comes to punish us. It is we who punish ourselves. We cannot forgive our selves. We add on a lot of unnecessary locks and chains on ourselves. What is more for us the Buddha reciters? If we recite the Buddha’s name and on the other hand, we add on ourselves lots of locks and chains whence Amitabha Buddha is trying to unlock us, isn’t this a most pitiful situation?’ She said that she had abandoned herself. It means we throw ourselves away and become a lone ranger, an isolated person living a life of sadness, a live without love. Look at a baby. Her eyes are clear as the baby is a simple being, just like a simple puppies or baby cat. The baby can play with chickens, puppis as she does not give rise to diffentiation. Not everyone of us is like Anita. But every one of us can recite the Buddha’s name. When we recite the Buddha’s name, we will be calm. Amitabha Buddha said, ‘In the world of fear I comfort them with great love.’ It is because all the worries are gone when we accomplish Buddhahood at the Pure Land. We will not be so worried about our poverty, health problem, ugliness, stupidity, inability to recite a sutra, a mantra. All these are unimportant as finally I will become a Buddha in the Buddha Land. We will be more humorous. For example, if we are ugly we will use it as a joke. It does not matter at all. Because all the external states are not you. The real self, our real life is the Buddha’s Name. It is our true identity. It will bring ease to our mind. A baby is pure. But as it grows up, it starts to abandon himself. A baby resembles a glass of pure water. When he grows up, his greed starts to accumulate when he wants a toy, a book, good results, money, benefits, fame women and so on. All these are placed in the glass of water. Everything is a piece of mud that we put in out glass. The more we put into the glass, the more the water will flow out. This water is the genuine self. We abandon the true self, chase it out with our greed. We fill ourselves with all the rubbish. The genuine blessings and bliss are chased away. We lead an opaque life without transparency. Our life become a glass of muddy water and we live in great torment. The more we obtain, the more we lose ourselves. That is why the Buddha is truly kind. He and his disciples lead a life of a beggar. When you have nothing, you will be happy and relax. The mind retains its purity. Human beings are deluded as they think to possess a wife, children, a house, a car are called blessings. A man who truly loves himself does not love money, sex, fame, food, sleep. These five desires are the knives that will cut us into pieces and bring on great sufferings. Anita said, ‘I realise I am the child of the beautiful universe. As long as I exist, I will obtain this unconditional love.’ This is very good. I would like to make the following changes, ‘I realize that I am the son of the adorned Amitabha Buddha.’ In Buddhism we use adorned to replace the word beautiful. The universe is this Amitabha Buddha. In the Sutra we are told Amitabha Buddha is the Treasury Body of the Dharma Realm. Amitabha Buddha exists in the whole of the Dharma Realm. Of course, there are also the reward body and transformation bodies beside the dharma body. Amitabha Buddha is the immeasurable wisdom and lifespan. Anita says that the universal energy is abundant and inexhaustible, vast and without limits. This is the existence of the Buddha Nature. She says as long as she exists, she will surely obtain the unconditional love. I often also say, ‘No conditions are required for us to receive the love and rescue of Amitabha Buddha.’ Let us take the analogy of a tree. As long as it exists, it will receive the sunlight. No other condition is needed. So it is the same for the house and everything on earth. Amitabha Buddha’s Name is also known as the Light that Far-surpassing the Sun and Moon. Amitabha Buddha’s light pervasively illumines all the living beings and things in the world. As long as we exist, we will receive the light of the Buddha, the protection of his loving kindness and rescue. It is unnecessary for us to become somebody so as to receive the unconditional rescue of Amitabha Buddha. Our Master Hui Jing also wrote a book on the ‘Unconditional Rescue of the Buddha.’ Some people cannot believe. He says, ‘If this is the case everyone will commit evils.’ Such a thinking is negative and full of fear as his mind is dwelling in darkness. He is afraid that the world will go upside down. He cannot understand that as long as there is the existence, may they be a cat, a dog, a hell being, they will be taken care of by Amitabha Buddha. The only condition is they exist. This reminds me of the words of Great Master Tan Luan, ‘The future scholars who hear about the rescue of the Buddha, the rescue that relies on other’s strength, he should give rise to faith. Do not refuse such a chance. It is being stupid.’ Do not think that you should do this and that to obtain the rescue? Amitabha Buddha did not ask you to do anything. He says, ‘Living beings in the ten directions who have faith in me.’ It means they exist and the Buddha will be there to save them. Buddha recitation is not a condition. It is just a method of saving. Anita says, ‘I do not have to do anything to obtain this love.’ Just like a blade of grass in the water. Does it need to do anything to obtain water? It is unnecessary. As long as it exists, it is surrounded by the water. As long as we exist, we are surrounded by the love of Amitabha Buddha. We do not need to do anything to obtain this love and care. Once we know this, we will be fearless and calm at ease. This is the same as the sunlight which shine on the mountain and also the valley. In our life no matter what level we are we will receive the illumination of Amitabha Buddha. Anita says, ‘No prayer, no seeking is needed.’ Amitabha’s rescue is there always. As long as we recite, we will be saved by him. Amitabha Buddha says, ‘All living beings in the ten directions who call on me will be saved by me. You only have to say out my name.’ You say you are dumb and cannot call the name. Such a man who understands the rescue of Buddha will also be saved even if he cannot pronounce the Name. But if you are unwilling, you are creating an obstacle for yourself. That is why our dharma door is known as the ‘The Dharma is taught without being asked.’, the ‘Befriend us without being asked’. As long as we trust him, he will come personally to take us to his Pure Land. On hearing that nothing is needed to be done, some will be confused. They want to do something, to clean the altar, to change the water, to offer some fruits and incense, to sit in meditation and so on. They think this will help them to attain a rebirth. They have to do something. They do not realise what they need to do is to reveal the beautiful self, to lead the adorned life and let themselves become the love. As long as we sit there and lead a loving life we are in accord with the love of the Buddha Amitabha. When the sun is shining, you say, ‘It is good. A shiny day.’ When it is raining, you say, ‘Very good. It is raining now.’ When it snows, you say, ‘Good, I love snow.’ This way of living is to add the positive loving energy to this universe. You are spreading the pure and harmony energy to the universe. In the Buddha Dharma it is known as the lights shine on one another. The whole universe will receive the positive energy of your loving and harmonious mind. So, what you need to do is to recite Namo Amitabha Budda loudly, softly, silently. All will be ok. If we live this way, Amitabha Buddha will be most happy to see us. It is just like a child who is sleeping in the cradle. Doing nothing. What do you think? Will the mother be happy to see him like that? Yes, of course. She will be very glad with him just sleeping there. Nothing has to be done. A child in the arms of his mother is the revelation of total trust. And this is the same for us to be in the arms of Amitabha Buddha. We just relax and trust him. We will lead a happy life. And this is the genuine way of living in accord with the love of oneself. More often than not we lead a life with worries, fear, twisted emotions and trying to cover up our faults. Our adorned life cannot be revealed. Everyday, we live in fear and worries. This is adding chains and locks to ourselves. Anita says, ‘I have never truly loved myself before. I have never valued my existence. I have never seen the adorned soul in me.’ She uses soul to describe herself. In the Buddha Dharma this refers to the beauty and adorned Buddha Nature. She said, ‘I am so beautiful yet I have never realised it. It is replaced with the hard facts of mundane existence. I decay because I do not understand my beautiful soul.’ In the Buddha Dharma it is described as all living beings are originally the Buddha. Yet we do not live, in accord with our Buddha Nature. We are often controlled by our mundane existence, the salary, the examination results and such like. We forget of our Buddha Nature. We lead a life of decay, a life of erosion. This is the General path of Buddhism. From the angle of Buddha Recitation, the rescue of Amitabha is always with us, only that we do not realise it. We try all kinds of methods hoping for the Buddha to rescue us. We do not know that we just have to admit we are the mundane men who are covered with offences. There is no other way to save ourselves if we do not rely on Amitabha Buddha. Then we let go and recite the Buddha’s Name wholeheartedly. This is the way to be saved by the Buddha. But most people cannot understand this. They want to do something good, to be pretentious and make out something good of himself, to scold people for their lacking in virtues and such like. This is against the practise of this pure land door. Why cannot the people in the world see their pretention? It is because they are also not living a true life. Their eyes are not clear enough to see through this pretention. A fake man sees something fake and he will treat it as genuine. A clear -headed man will surely be able to see through all these false masks. If we were to wear a false mask for too long it will be difficult to remove it. It has grown on to our skin. It will be painful if we want to remove this fake mask. So it takes time for us to loosen this false mask as we have been wearing them for too long. Anita says, ‘This understanding makes me realise that I do not have to be frightened anymore.’ There is no more fear in her mind. It is a mind of calm and bliss. It is a mind which is full of hope. It is a comforting mind that can soothe others. With this calm and happy mind it is already a contribution to all around us. It is already a protection and mindfulness to all around us. We do not have to do anything at all. Most of us live in fear. We pay for insurance because we are afraid when we get old, we have no money, no money to pay the medical fees. We get married out of fear that we will be lonely. Why do we give birth to children? We are afraid no one will take care of us at old age. Why do we go to school? It is because we are afraid of our mother’s anger. Why must we study hard? We are afraid of our teacher. Why do we go to university? We are afraid people will look down on us. Can we live without fear? We cannot. Even our mother who loves us so much say we will suffer if we do not study hard. From our young age we receive the education of fear. We are threatened by our beloved parents, our responsible teachers. We do not receive the education of love. So, if we love our children, do not add fear to them. We must give only love and courage so that they can face life with their original positive energy, positive strength. This is because the world is full of twisted people, fake people, suffering people. There are very few upright men, genuine men, happy and hopeful men around. I only hope all of you my lotus friends will bring up a future generation who is upright, genuine, happy and hopeful with the strength of Amitabha Buddha. So, we must lead a life based on the right values taught by Amitabha Buddha. If we teach our child to fight for self -benefit, to contend with others, we are making them blind so that they do not see the truth of life. This is harming them. If we are enlightened to this, we will only rely on Amitabha Buddha. We are not afraid to be lonely. We will be at ease. Those who see the light, the warmth of the Buddha will no longer be frightened. Anita says, ‘I realise this is a state that can be reached by myself and everyone.’ In Zen sect it is said all living beings are Buddha. In the Buddha recitation door, everyone can recite the Name, everyone can attain a rebirth and everyone can accomplish Buddhahood. This is the bestowment by Amitabha Buddha. All the things that we fight for may not be beneficial to us. Everything that benefits us are often free. For example, the air we take in every instant is free. We do not pay to stand on the earth. We do not pay to look at the sky above. Whatever we fight and earn to get are valueless. Everything that is valuable is free. In the general practice it is said, ‘No cultivation is the cultivation. Nothing is obtainable. This is the state of a bodhisattva. The original face of all dharma often dwells in the mark of still extinction. Our Buddha Nature is replete with all merits and virtues. We cannot cultivate anything to enhance it. This is because all the things that we can do are only dreams, illusion, bubbles and shadow. Whatever that we do, that we create are not in accord with our Buddha Nature. The Buddha Nature is always there, original and shining out naturally. And in our Pure Land Dharma, whatever we have offered, whatever we have done are not the causes for our attainment of a rebirth. Attaining a rebirth is the state of nothing doing. It stays apart from creation or doing. It is a natural state. Reciting Namo Amitabha Buddha helps us to return to this state. Anita said, ‘So I decided to return to the mundane world.’ She has enlightened to the opportunity of life and she decided to come back to tell us about life. Just like many Pure Land cultivators who say that they will not come back any more to sufferings. Yet when they arrive at the Pure Land and brings forth the Bodhi mind, they will come back by themselves to help other beings. Anita said, ‘When I was on the verge of death, I realised the universe comes forth from unconditional love. I am one of the revelations of this love in my present form.’ For the scientists they will say the universe is made from electron, protons, neutrons and so on. This is talking only at the surface level, the materials. But as she talked from her true experienc,e she can see all the things, all the people are the expression of this universal love. When she comes back from death, she deeply penetrates the genuine love the mother universe and her wavelength is in accord with the universal love. She comes back as a healthy woman. So once there is a change in our mind set, the body, the people and the surroundings will also change. In the eyes of Buddha and Bodhisattva there is no differentiation of filth and purity. Everything is pure and adorned in its own expression. Every one of us is the art piece of this unconditional love or in the Buddha’s words, the Buddha Nature. She said, ‘I cannot change into another form as it is my original expression, original nature of this unconditional love.’ Everything that exists is the expression of the Buddha Nature. Even something which is defiled or unwholesome is also part of the expression of this unconditional everlasting love. That is why the Buddha says, ‘All the Dharma from the original state dwells constantly in still extinction.’ Still extinction refers to Nirvana the state of the Buddha. So, when we recite the Buddha’s Name we will enter the Buddha’s dwelling. ‘The energy capacity of the strength of life forms derives from love. And I am made from the universal energy capacity. On knowing this, I realise I do not need to become somebody else. And my true value will not be depreciated too.’ Anita said, So, it is unnecessary for us to become another man. A business man does not need to become Jack Ma. Why is this so? It is because you are equal to him. He is not higher than you. He has the Buddha Nature and you also have the Buddha Nature. Every one is equal. So we do not need to measure in terms of money especially if we truly know the benefits of Buddha recitation. In the eyes of the Buddha every one of us is a shining star. We do not need to chase after another star. Just imagine the havoc it will be when the stars do not dwell in its orbit and try to chase after another star. What a chaos the universe will become. Everyone of our existence is in perfect conditions in the eyes of the Buddha and Bodhisattva. ‘This is the I that I have always wanted to be.’ she said. We must learn to appreciate ourselves, accept ourselves and love ourselves. This ‘I’ is invaluable under the unconditional love of the Rescue of Amitabha Buddha. We are his precious sons, the pearls on his hand. If we are accepted by the Buddha, we will be so happy as we will have no complaint about ourselves. We are often surrounded by people who keep on complaining about us. The first one is our mother who says that we are not clever, we have low marks. We are not filial. We earn too little. See how our mother teaches us not to appreciate ourselves. Then we are blamed by our teacher, our classmates, our girl -friend and so on. Then comes Amitabha Buddha who studies us and says, ‘Put aside all the complaints. You are qualified to attain Buddhahood. No problem at all. I give you 100 percent.’ That is why we Buddha Recitation Practitioners are always at ease under the shine of Amitabha Buddha who give us the confirmation. This is the greatest benefits the Buddha bestows upon us. Buddhism brings hope and bliss to the world, the universe. So, in this life’s time we must try our best to lead a life of Amitabha Buddha. Do not be swayed by the mundane values, mundane eyes, mundane perspective. We rely only on the outlook of the Buddha and Bodhisattva. ‘Once we know that we are this love, it is unnecessary to purposely go forth to shower love on others. As long as we are faithful to our original nature, we will automatically become the tools of love, touching the hearts of everyone who have affinity with us.’ This part of her speech is very good. If we are already the lamp, there is no need for us to go out purposely to shine on others. The lamp just stands at its place and it manages to brighten up the place. So, when we are the LOVE, we will naturally touch those around us with our love. Take a look at our Master Hui Jing. He sits there quietly and yet every one of us are calm and happy naturally. So when we become the love, wherever we are, all will feel calm at ease, without any fear. Anita said, ‘The most important thing I have learnt is I am the Love itself. All my fears are gone. This is the reason I come into life again.’ Amitabha Buddha said, ‘I will transform all the fear into great calmness, great serenity’ When We recite His Name we are charged with his love. We also become the love. We will leave behind all fear. ‘My dear, you will always be loved. You do not need to harbour any fear. There is no way for you to commit any errors.’ Always think about these three sentences. There is the light of truth in it. This is spoken by a non -Buddhist who was on the verge of her death and who lives again. How about us the Buddha Recitation Practitioners? Can we deny the love of Amitabha Buddha, His unconditional love of rescue? From this story we know the unconditional love of rescue of the Buddha pervasively surrounds us. We must have faith in this and lead a life of joy with no more fear. Nowadays, everyone lives in fear. We must learn to replete ourselves with love and bring this shine to others, to lead them out of fear. Love yourself and love others. Namo Amitabha Buddha. A dharma talk by Dharma Master Shi Jing Zong, the Abbot of the Hong Yuan Monastery in Anhui, China entitled: Dying Once to Learn to Love Link: https://oridharma.wordpress.com/2020/05/16/in-the-era-of-fear-i-comfort-them-with-great-love/

In the Era of Fear I Comfort them with Great Love
Anita Moorjani was cured from cancer not because of a certain medicine, vaccine or chemotherapy. She was cured because of this Great Love. Anita Moorjani is a forty years old woman who is simple and honest. She was born in India, grew up in Singapore and was English educated. Later she went to Hong Kong. She knows Tamil, English and Cantonese. In 2002 the doctor said that she was down with cancer lymphoma or the blood cell tumor. After four years, in 2006 seventy percent of her body is covered with the cancerous cells. She stayed in the hospital, suffering terribly because of this illness. Later the doctor pronounced her death. After three days she woke up and was cured miraculously. This is truly inconceivable when she woke up from her death. In her mind she was very sure she was cured already. No treatment was needed. But she was very weak. She could not even talk. The doctor was surprised of her condition and again they carried out a checking on her body and found that she was free from all symptoms of cancer. In her mind she knew she was already cured. In her mind there was a great transformation that she personally experienced. And all the cells on her body were transformed into healthy cells. Later she wrote a book entitles: After dying once I finally learn to love’ By looking at this title, it coincides with Master Shan Dao’s teaching on the one with deep faith in the dharma. He said, ‘Standing here is waiting to die. Going forward is also death. Turning back, I too cannot escape from death.’ This can be found in the ‘Analogy of two rivers and one white lane’ the three sure deaths. If we have died once, we will truly give ourselves up. This is the same as the Pure Land teaching that we have to admit we are the sinful mundane man. We lose all hope as we have no ways to leave the triple realm. In cultivation we need to really undergo a total death in order to really practise the path. The zen cultivator says this is known as undergoing great death and great living. Otherwise, no real cultivation can be expected because most of us are very arrogant, very self-centred, without much changes in our stubborn mindset. That is why she said after dying once only she managed to learn how to love. In the Pure Land door this is known as having deep faith. Such a man will surely have faith in Amitabha’s 48 vows to gather in living beings without any doubts and suspicion. By relying on the strength of the Buddha’s Vows we will surely attain a rebirth. This is living in the great love of Namo Amitabha Buddha. We receive the love of Amitabha Buddha. Only then we can have the genuine love and we are able to learn to love. If we do not feel the love of Amitabha Buddha, we will not know how to love. Our love will be frightening as it is an attachment, a desire to control, to possess others. Such a love is impure, it is a threat to us. If we are not careful it might turn into hatred. Such is a frightful kind of love. If we learn from Amitabha Buddha, the love is pure, without condition and transparent. This is truly loving a person. It is not easy to learn this. We look at the couples around us. So many got married and end up in divorce. How about those who do not get a divorce? Yes, they spend the whole life fighting！The truly loving couples are as few as the stars in the broad day light. So, learning to love is our homework for the whole life. It is not easy. Today I would like to discuss this passage with you. After reading her writing I feel most shameful as what the author has said is very true in accord with her experience. Even though I have left home for more than twenty years, receiving the teaching of the Buddha, the guidance of the patriarch, the exhortation of my Master, the help of my lotus friends and all, I still feel I am lacking in genuine practice and virtues. On the contrary this lady has not met with the Buddha Dharma. She has such an awakening after dying once, it is truly a gain for her. She said, ‘After my body stopped functioning, I entered into another world.’ She was so seriously ill that her heart, her liver and everything stopped functioning. This is to show there is a world after death. She said, ‘I saw myself as a very wonderful person. This is because I was not terrorised until I had a change in shape.’ ‘I felt there was this vibrant energy around me and I was able to enter it. I realise if a man can see his wonderful existence, he must be the happiest man.’ Most of us like to complain about our imperfect existence. We often think thus, ‘I do not have enough money. I am not healthy. I am not pretty. I do not have enough clothing ….’ Here we must learn to see the good points in us, to appreciate the value of our existence. A woman who can say like this is truly very calm in mind. A man who always complains about himself will not be able to live happily each day. So, without knowing the love of Amitabha for us, we will be a great complainer. We complain about no money, we complain about our look, our wrinkles and so on and so forth. What kind of life will this be with so many complaints? She said, ‘I found that there was this power surrounding me.’ When we pass away, we will no longer be using our eyes, ears, nose, tongue, body and mind to observe. Instead, we will be awakened to our innate Buddha. She felt she is surrounded by this vibrant field of energy and she is also this energy. What kind of power is this? It is a kind of energy. It is always in the universe or the dharma realm in the Buddhist terms. In fact, this is Amitabha Buddha. This is the strength of the Buddha Nature. She uses her Buddha Nature to experience the Buddha Nature. It exists forever. It is neither born nor become extinct. If the Buddha enters the world or does not enter the world, it is always there without changing. Of course, she does not use these Buddhist terms. She said, ‘When I give up the attachment to the mundane world, I enter another world effortlessly. It is unnecessary to pray, to recite a sutra or to give a dharma talk. It is unnecessary to seek forgiveness, repentance or other methods.’ ‘Death gives me the feeling that I do not need to do anything. It is just as though I am telling someone I am coming to the end. I cannot do anything anymore. I give up. Whatever you want to do I will just accept.’ I feel that this passage is very near in meaning to the Pure Land’s view. It means when we die, we have just to let go as nothing can be done anymore. Most people die in torment as there are many attachments in this world. They are worried about their children, money and work. Some people find it difficult to die. So, from here we must learn to let go when it is our turn to leave the world. Moreover, we have the promise from Amitabha Buddha who will come to receive us in accord with the strength of his vows. It is much easier for us. This lady just let go and she entered another world. Her state should be quite high too. I will explain below. I feel that she had arrived at the border of the Pure Land. Her state of an awakened mind showed that she was not in the heaven. She seemed to be enlightened to the Buddha nature and non -existence of a self. She experienced the light of enlightenment and returned to life, to lead a life of love. So, in our practice we are told to let go of all attachment and to wish for a rebirth in the Pure Land relying on Amitabha’s strength of vows. So from here we can see it is very easy to be born in the World of Ultimate Bliss. She said it is unnecessary to recite a sutra, a dharma or seeking for forgiveness. She enters the other world naturally when she simply gives up herself. I remember once I went with my Master to console a dying man. I was very touched by my Master’s words. He said kindly to the man who is on the verge of death, ‘So and so, now we will recite Namo Amitabha Buddha. If you can recite, then recite together. If you can’t, just lay down and relax. It is ok if you just listen to our recitation.’ Are not these words very comforting? The dying man will feel very safe and relax. But if you were to say, ‘So and so, this is the last chance. Bring out all your strength to face death. If you can recite then recite together. If you cannot recite, you must try also!’ On listening to this threat, the sick man is stressed out. He will die instantly as he has no strength to join in recitation. The Master who with his great love understands the rescue of Amitabha Buddha is a natural process that he is able to say in such a comforting way. No condition is needed. There is no threat nor fright in his words. A man who threatens people is not calm as he must be frightened too in his mind. That is why what he says will frighten people, giving stress to others. If we are loving in our mind, our words will only bring love, peace and calm to others. People will feel our love for them. So, this lady says it is unnecessary to read or recite any prayer or seeking forgiveness. This is because the wavelength of her mind is on a par with the great love of the universe. She naturally enters it. Namo Amitabha Buddha is a dharma that requires no seeking or pleading. It is a dharma of rescue without condition. When we recite Namo Amitabha Buddha, the wavelength of our mind is the same as Amitabha Buddha. So, we will attain a rebirth naturally. Many of us who do not understand the kindness of Amitabha Buddha will seek a rebirth by pleading to the Buddha every day. His mind is unsettled and frightened that he might be left out. This is because he does not understand when he recites the Buddha’s name, the wavelength of his mind is in the same frequency with Amitabha Buddha’s mind and vows. Then people will ask, ‘Do we still go to recite the Buddha’s Name for the dying man?’ ‘Yes, of course.’ This is because the dying man has yet to understand this point. When we recite for him, he will be safe in the shine of Namo Amitabha Buddha. This is a method which is bestowed upon us to save us with this Name in accord with the strength of the Buddha’s vows. When she says to somebody, this refers to Amitabha Buddha. She says she cannot do anything anymore and she gives up. She gives herself up to the Buddha. So, when we die do not try to fight with death and refuse to die. We must just admit we are the offender and we need the help of Amitabha Buddha to take us, to rescue us. Namo is to admit we take refuge in the Buddha, we surrender ourselves. When we cultivate this door, we must not add in our ideas. We must just let Amitabha Buddha to decide for us. This is because Amitabha has the power of great vow, the extensive great strength of the Buddha Nature, the strength of immeasurable light, the strength of immeasurable lifespan. We just have to give up all planning. He will plan for us. So, when we recite the Name of the Buddha, just recite without thinking of doing this or that trying so hard to reach a certain acceptable standard. These are all unnecessary. This type of thinking is the habit of the sagely path cultivators. When we sit on the plane, just sit there. The plane will bring you to your destiny. It is unnecessary for you to help the plane to fly. Amitabha Buddha the pilot does not need you to fly the plane. If he needs your help then he is not known as Amitabha Buddha. Anita said, ‘In the other world, I found that my mind is very clear and bright. I realise by myself that I will only die out of the fear and terror in my mind.’ These words are very true. Clarity of mind means her mind is pure. In this world our mind is turbid, dark and deluded. That is why are enveloped in all kinds of worries and terror. But once we arrive at the Pure Land, we will naturally be pure and bright. This is because the land is pure and is enveloped in bright illumination. She said she naturally know she will be cured. This knowing ability is possessed by us originally. No learning is needed because our Buddha nature is originally pure and bright. In the Saha world our ability is being covered up by afflictions. But when we arrive at the World of Ultimate Bliss, we will naturally possess this ability. This ability reappears relying on the strength of Vows of Amitabha Buddha. When we arrive at the Pure Land, we will naturally possess the ability to make offerings to the Buddha. On hearing one sentence we are enlightened to the millions. Our mind is opened up to the thousands of million Dharanis. Everyone of us have this innate ability. And Amitabha Buddha’s strength of Vows enhances its opening. In this Saha World our innate nature is all covered up and cannot function. In the world of ultimate bliss, by relying on Amitabha Buddha’s strength of great vows, our innate ability is open up. So they are not contradicting. ‘I naturally know the source of the thought that I will die. The source is I was frightened. If there is no fear, there is no death.’ In actuality there is no death. It is only our fear of death that this illusion comes froth. In Buddha dharma we should know death itself is an illusion. Time is also an illusion. That is why the Buddha speaks all the Sutra in this manner, ‘Thus have I heard, at one time the Buddha was…..’ No specific time is stated. Now the physics has proven its illusory. As time is an illusion, it does not exist. Let me give you an example of what is meant by death. It is as if we are driving a car into a tunnel. The shape of the tunnel resembles that of a tomb. And we keep on driving into it. We say we are entering the tomb, that we are going to die soon. We are threatened as the entrance represents death. We continue on our journey in the tunnel and later leave the tunnel, again travelling on our way to another destiny. The entrance of the tunnel, the funeral wreath looks like the tomb. For us, death is a terrible idea that we are fearful of it. We do not know life is a continuity and there is no death. It is our wrong concept that there is this section of birth and death. No one can do anything about it until they personally realise it. ‘I am unable to live out my real self as I have too much worried.’ Most of us live in this world wearing a mask. If everyone of us is free to show our real self this is the most beautiful side of a self. Why cannot we live the way we should live? It is because we are always burdened with worries. We are worried we are not good enough. We are worried that our parents will scold us. We are worried our teacher will get angry and criticize us. We are worried about losing face. We only live for others. We lose our life away trying to accord to others’ expectation. We lose the light of a happy life. Our life is controlled by all these worrisome thoughts. But if we truly recite the Buddha’s Name, our mind will be at ease. Amitabha Buddha takes away our worries by replacing them with Namo Amitabha Buddha. We will realise all these worries and views are not important and we will gradually pay no attention to them. Our true life is Buddha recitation. That is our real identity. Our mind will be at ease as we will pay no attention to those unreal things, words and ideas. Our worries only arise when we care too much about the mundane matters. The author has not learnt about Buddhism. This is her experience in death. What she has written is very personal, true experience, not something that we learn from a book. Her experience gives her an awakening to the reality of life and she lives out her life in this awakening. I saw her video and I feel she is an enlightened person. An enlightened person may not be replete with spiritual penetration. But she will reveal her love in her daily living. She is calm at ease and without any sense of fear in her mind. She leads her life in a genuine way. She said, ‘I know that cancer is not a punishment neither is it a retribution. Cancer is my energy capacity which reveals itself on my body. Because of my fear I am unable to reveal the beautiful self in me. And this is the job which should be carried out by me. I know that cancer is not a punishment which is forced on me. It is not an external force of retribution.’ This is what we often do when certain things happen, we will try to find an excuse or put the blame on reward or retribution. We treat the misfortune with anger and hatred. We often have this tendency to catogorise every happening in accord with the cause or reason. In Buddhism we talk about cause and effect. As she is not a Buddhist she says, ‘Cancer appears as a result of a change in my energy capacity. This energy shows itself in the form of cancer.’ This is because she lives in fear and worries. She does not live out her real happy self. So if we the Buddha recitation cultivators are able to reveal the bright side of life, to live without worries, there will be no more cancer for us. This is her understanding about life. That is why I have often said, ‘Lead a life of a mundane man and recite the Buddha’s Name sincerely.’ We should lead a life of Amitabha Buddha. Our life will be full of light and blessings. And we will become more loving. Finally we will lead a comfortable life and people around us will be comfortable also. This itself is the propagation of the dharma of love. Otherwise, if we cannot live a loving life, there is no point talking about anything as they will be useless. Anita said, ‘In that state which is vast and limitless, I found that I am too strict with myself. I keep on whipping myself.’ Can we feel the existence of being vast and limitless? No. We are often limited by our surrounding. As she had entered the limitless vastness, she is able to know her whole life. She knows her fault is being too strict with herself. In fact, most of us are very strict with ourselves, demanding ourselves to be like this or that. She said, ‘No one is punishing me. The person whom I cannot forgive is I myself. I have abandoned myself. I do not love myself. This matter is none of others’ business.’ No one from outside comes to punish us. It is we who punish ourselves. We cannot forgive our selves. We add on a lot of unnecessary locks and chains on ourselves. What is more for us the Buddha reciters? If we recite the Buddha’s name and on the other hand, we add on ourselves lots of locks and chains whence Amitabha Buddha is trying to unlock us, isn’t this a most pitiful situation?’ She said that she had abandoned herself. It means we throw ourselves away and become a lone ranger, an isolated person living a life of sadness, a live without love. Look at a baby. Her eyes are clear as the baby is a simple being, just like a simple puppies or baby cat. The baby can play with chickens, puppis as she does not give rise to diffentiation. Not everyone of us is like Anita. But every one of us can recite the Buddha’s name. When we recite the Buddha’s name, we will be calm. Amitabha Buddha said, ‘In the world of fear I comfort them with great love.’ It is because all the worries are gone when we accomplish Buddhahood at the Pure Land. We will not be so worried about our poverty, health problem, ugliness, stupidity, inability to recite a sutra, a mantra. All these are unimportant as finally I will become a Buddha in the Buddha Land. We will be more humorous. For example, if we are ugly we will use it as a joke. It does not matter at all. Because all the external states are not you. The real self, our real life is the Buddha’s Name. It is our true identity. It will bring ease to our mind. A baby is pure. But as it grows up, it starts to abandon himself. A baby resembles a glass of pure water. When he grows up, his greed starts to accumulate when he wants a toy, a book, good results, money, benefits, fame women and so on. All these are placed in the glass of water. Everything is a piece of mud that we put in out glass. The more we put into the glass, the more the water will flow out. This water is the genuine self. We abandon the true self, chase it out with our greed. We fill ourselves with all the rubbish. The genuine blessings and bliss are chased away. We lead an opaque life without transparency. Our life become a glass of muddy water and we live in great torment. The more we obtain, the more we lose ourselves. That is why the Buddha is truly kind. He and his disciples lead a life of a beggar. When you have nothing, you will be happy and relax. The mind retains its purity. Human beings are deluded as they think to possess a wife, children, a house, a car are called blessings. A man who truly loves himself does not love money, sex, fame, food, sleep. These five desires are the knives that will cut us into pieces and bring on great sufferings. Anita said, ‘I realise I am the child of the beautiful universe. As long as I exist, I will obtain this unconditional love.’ This is very good. I would like to make the following changes, ‘I realize that I am the son of the adorned Amitabha Buddha.’ In Buddhism we use adorned to replace the word beautiful. The universe is this Amitabha Buddha. In the Sutra we are told Amitabha Buddha is the Treasury Body of the Dharma Realm. Amitabha Buddha exists in the whole of the Dharma Realm. Of course, there are also the reward body and transformation bodies beside the dharma body. Amitabha Buddha is the immeasurable wisdom and lifespan. Anita says that the universal energy is abundant and inexhaustible, vast and without limits. This is the existence of the Buddha Nature. She says as long as she exists, she will surely obtain the unconditional love. I often also say, ‘No conditions are required for us to receive the love and rescue of Amitabha Buddha.’ Let us take the analogy of a tree. As long as it exists, it will receive the sunlight. No other condition is needed. So it is the same for the house and everything on earth. Amitabha Buddha’s Name is also known as the Light that Far-surpassing the Sun and Moon. Amitabha Buddha’s light pervasively illumines all the living beings and things in the world. As long as we exist, we will receive the light of the Buddha, the protection of his loving kindness and rescue. It is unnecessary for us to become somebody so as to receive the unconditional rescue of Amitabha Buddha. Our Master Hui Jing also wrote a book on the ‘Unconditional Rescue of the Buddha.’ Some people cannot believe. He says, ‘If this is the case everyone will commit evils.’ Such a thinking is negative and full of fear as his mind is dwelling in darkness. He is afraid that the world will go upside down. He cannot understand that as long as there is the existence, may they be a cat, a dog, a hell being, they will be taken care of by Amitabha Buddha. The only condition is they exist. This reminds me of the words of Great Master Tan Luan, ‘The future scholars who hear about the rescue of the Buddha, the rescue that relies on other’s strength, he should give rise to faith. Do not refuse such a chance. It is being stupid.’ Do not think that you should do this and that to obtain the rescue? Amitabha Buddha did not ask you to do anything. He says, ‘Living beings in the ten directions who have faith in me.’ It means they exist and the Buddha will be there to save them. Buddha recitation is not a condition. It is just a method of saving. Anita says, ‘I do not have to do anything to obtain this love.’ Just like a blade of grass in the water. Does it need to do anything to obtain water? It is unnecessary. As long as it exists, it is surrounded by the water. As long as we exist, we are surrounded by the love of Amitabha Buddha. We do not need to do anything to obtain this love and care. Once we know this, we will be fearless and calm at ease. This is the same as the sunlight which shine on the mountain and also the valley. In our life no matter what level we are we will receive the illumination of Amitabha Buddha. Anita says, ‘No prayer, no seeking is needed.’ Amitabha’s rescue is there always. As long as we recite, we will be saved by him. Amitabha Buddha says, ‘All living beings in the ten directions who call on me will be saved by me. You only have to say out my name.’ You say you are dumb and cannot call the name. Such a man who understands the rescue of Buddha will also be saved even if he cannot pronounce the Name. But if you are unwilling, you are creating an obstacle for yourself. That is why our dharma door is known as the ‘The Dharma is taught without being asked.’, the ‘Befriend us without being asked’. As long as we trust him, he will come personally to take us to his Pure Land. On hearing that nothing is needed to be done, some will be confused. They want to do something, to clean the altar, to change the water, to offer some fruits and incense, to sit in meditation and so on. They think this will help them to attain a rebirth. They have to do something. They do not realise what they need to do is to reveal the beautiful self, to lead the adorned life and let themselves become the love. As long as we sit there and lead a loving life we are in accord with the love of the Buddha Amitabha. When the sun is shining, you say, ‘It is good. A shiny day.’ When it is raining, you say, ‘Very good. It is raining now.’ When it snows, you say, ‘Good, I love snow.’ This way of living is to add the positive loving energy to this universe. You are spreading the pure and harmony energy to the universe. In the Buddha Dharma it is known as the lights shine on one another. The whole universe will receive the positive energy of your loving and harmonious mind. So, what you need to do is to recite Namo Amitabha Budda loudly, softly, silently. All will be ok. If we live this way, Amitabha Buddha will be most happy to see us. It is just like a child who is sleeping in the cradle. Doing nothing. What do you think? Will the mother be happy to see him like that? Yes, of course. She will be very glad with him just sleeping there. Nothing has to be done. A child in the arms of his mother is the revelation of total trust. And this is the same for us to be in the arms of Amitabha Buddha. We just relax and trust him. We will lead a happy life. And this is the genuine way of living in accord with the love of oneself. More often than not we lead a life with worries, fear, twisted emotions and trying to cover up our faults. Our adorned life cannot be revealed. Everyday, we live in fear and worries. This is adding chains and locks to ourselves. Anita says, ‘I have never truly loved myself before. I have never valued my existence. I have never seen the adorned soul in me.’ She uses soul to describe herself. In the Buddha Dharma this refers to the beauty and adorned Buddha Nature. She said, ‘I am so beautiful yet I have never realised it. It is replaced with the hard facts of mundane existence. I decay because I do not understand my beautiful soul.’ In the Buddha Dharma it is described as all living beings are originally the Buddha. Yet we do not live, in accord with our Buddha Nature. We are often controlled by our mundane existence, the salary, the examination results and such like. We forget of our Buddha Nature. We lead a life of decay, a life of erosion. This is the General path of Buddhism. From the angle of Buddha Recitation, the rescue of Amitabha is always with us, only that we do not realise it. We try all kinds of methods hoping for the Buddha to rescue us. We do not know that we just have to admit we are the mundane men who are covered with offences. There is no other way to save ourselves if we do not rely on Amitabha Buddha. Then we let go and recite the Buddha’s Name wholeheartedly. This is the way to be saved by the Buddha. But most people cannot understand this. They want to do something good, to be pretentious and make out something good of himself, to scold people for their lacking in virtues and such like. This is against the practise of this pure land door. Why cannot the people in the world see their pretention? It is because they are also not living a true life. Their eyes are not clear enough to see through this pretention. A fake man sees something fake and he will treat it as genuine. A clear -headed man will surely be able to see through all these false masks. If we were to wear a false mask for too long it will be difficult to remove it. It has grown on to our skin. It will be painful if we want to remove this fake mask. So it takes time for us to loosen this false mask as we have been wearing them for too long. Anita says, ‘This understanding makes me realise that I do not have to be frightened anymore.’ There is no more fear in her mind. It is a mind of calm and bliss. It is a mind which is full of hope. It is a comforting mind that can soothe others. With this calm and happy mind it is already a contribution to all around us. It is already a protection and mindfulness to all around us. We do not have to do anything at all. Most of us live in fear. We pay for insurance because we are afraid when we get old, we have no money, no money to pay the medical fees. We get married out of fear that we will be lonely. Why do we give birth to children? We are afraid no one will take care of us at old age. Why do we go to school? It is because we are afraid of our mother’s anger. Why must we study hard? We are afraid of our teacher. Why do we go to university? We are afraid people will look down on us. Can we live without fear? We cannot. Even our mother who loves us so much say we will suffer if we do not study hard. From our young age we receive the education of fear. We are threatened by our beloved parents, our responsible teachers. We do not receive the education of love. So, if we love our children, do not add fear to them. We must give only love and courage so that they can face life with their original positive energy, positive strength. This is because the world is full of twisted people, fake people, suffering people. There are very few upright men, genuine men, happy and hopeful men around. I only hope all of you my lotus friends will bring up a future generation who is upright, genuine, happy and hopeful with the strength of Amitabha Buddha. So, we must lead a life based on the right values taught by Amitabha Buddha. If we teach our child to fight for self -benefit, to contend with others, we are making them blind so that they do not see the truth of life. This is harming them. If we are enlightened to this, we will only rely on Amitabha Buddha. We are not afraid to be lonely. We will be at ease. Those who see the light, the warmth of the Buddha will no longer be frightened. Anita says, ‘I realise this is a state that can be reached by myself and everyone.’ In Zen sect it is said all living beings are Buddha. In the Buddha recitation door, everyone can recite the Name, everyone can attain a rebirth and everyone can accomplish Buddhahood. This is the bestowment by Amitabha Buddha. All the things that we fight for may not be beneficial to us. Everything that benefits us are often free. For example, the air we take in every instant is free. We do not pay to stand on the earth. We do not pay to look at the sky above. Whatever we fight and earn to get are valueless. Everything that is valuable is free. In the general practice it is said, ‘No cultivation is the cultivation. Nothing is obtainable. This is the state of a bodhisattva. The original face of all dharma often dwells in the mark of still extinction. Our Buddha Nature is replete with all merits and virtues. We cannot cultivate anything to enhance it. This is because all the things that we can do are only dreams, illusion, bubbles and shadow. Whatever that we do, that we create are not in accord with our Buddha Nature. The Buddha Nature is always there, original and shining out naturally. And in our Pure Land Dharma, whatever we have offered, whatever we have done are not the causes for our attainment of a rebirth. Attaining a rebirth is the state of nothing doing. It stays apart from creation or doing. It is a natural state. Reciting Namo Amitabha Buddha helps us to return to this state. Anita said, ‘So I decided to return to the mundane world.’ She has enlightened to the opportunity of life and she decided to come back to tell us about life. Just like many Pure Land cultivators who say that they will not come back any more to sufferings. Yet when they arrive at the Pure Land and brings forth the Bodhi mind, they will come back by themselves to help other beings. Anita said, ‘When I was on the verge of death, I realised the universe comes forth from unconditional love. I am one of the revelations of this love in my present form.’ For the scientists they will say the universe is made from electron, protons, neutrons and so on. This is talking only at the surface level, the materials. But as she talked from her true experienc,e she can see all the things, all the people are the expression of this universal love. When she comes back from death, she deeply penetrates the genuine love the mother universe and her wavelength is in accord with the universal love. She comes back as a healthy woman. So once there is a change in our mind set, the body, the people and the surroundings will also change. In the eyes of Buddha and Bodhisattva there is no differentiation of filth and purity. Everything is pure and adorned in its own expression. Every one of us is the art piece of this unconditional love or in the Buddha’s words, the Buddha Nature. She said, ‘I cannot change into another form as it is my original expression, original nature of this unconditional love.’ Everything that exists is the expression of the Buddha Nature. Even something which is defiled or unwholesome is also part of the expression of this unconditional everlasting love. That is why the Buddha says, ‘All the Dharma from the original state dwells constantly in still extinction.’ Still extinction refers to Nirvana the state of the Buddha. So, when we recite the Buddha’s Name we will enter the Buddha’s dwelling. ‘The energy capacity of the strength of life forms derives from love. And I am made from the universal energy capacity. On knowing this, I realise I do not need to become somebody else. And my true value will not be depreciated too.’ Anita said, So, it is unnecessary for us to become another man. A business man does not need to become Jack Ma. Why is this so? It is because you are equal to him. He is not higher than you. He has the Buddha Nature and you also have the Buddha Nature. Every one is equal. So we do not need to measure in terms of money especially if we truly know the benefits of Buddha recitation. In the eyes of the Buddha every one of us is a shining star. We do not need to chase after another star. Just imagine the havoc it will be when the stars do not dwell in its orbit and try to chase after another star. What a chaos the universe will become. Everyone of our existence is in perfect conditions in the eyes of the Buddha and Bodhisattva. ‘This is the I that I have always wanted to be.’ she said. We must learn to appreciate ourselves, accept ourselves and love ourselves. This ‘I’ is invaluable under the unconditional love of the Rescue of Amitabha Buddha. We are his precious sons, the pearls on his hand. If we are accepted by the Buddha, we will be so happy as we will have no complaint about ourselves. We are often surrounded by people who keep on complaining about us. The first one is our mother who says that we are not clever, we have low marks. We are not filial. We earn too little. See how our mother teaches us not to appreciate ourselves. Then we are blamed by our teacher, our classmates, our girl -friend and so on. Then comes Amitabha Buddha who studies us and says, ‘Put aside all the complaints. You are qualified to attain Buddhahood. No problem at all. I give you 100 percent.’ That is why we Buddha Recitation Practitioners are always at ease under the shine of Amitabha Buddha who give us the confirmation. This is the greatest benefits the Buddha bestows upon us. Buddhism brings hope and bliss to the world, the universe. So, in this life’s time we must try our best to lead a life of Amitabha Buddha. Do not be swayed by the mundane values, mundane eyes, mundane perspective. We rely only on the outlook of the Buddha and Bodhisattva. ‘Once we know that we are this love, it is unnecessary to purposely go forth to shower love on others. As long as we are faithful to our original nature, we will automatically become the tools of love, touching the hearts of everyone who have affinity with us.’ This part of her speech is very good. If we are already the lamp, there is no need for us to go out purposely to shine on others. The lamp just stands at its place and it manages to brighten up the place. So, when we are the LOVE, we will naturally touch those around us with our love. Take a look at our Master Hui Jing. He sits there quietly and yet every one of us are calm and happy naturally. So when we become the love, wherever we are, all will feel calm at ease, without any fear. Anita said, ‘The most important thing I have learnt is I am the Love itself. All my fears are gone. This is the reason I come into life again.’ Amitabha Buddha said, ‘I will transform all the fear into great calmness, great serenity’ When We recite His Name we are charged with his love. We also become the love. We will leave behind all fear. ‘My dear, you will always be loved. You do not need to harbour any fear. There is no way for you to commit any errors.’ Always think about these three sentences. There is the light of truth in it. This is spoken by a non -Buddhist who was on the verge of her death and who lives again. How about us the Buddha Recitation Practitioners? Can we deny the love of Amitabha Buddha, His unconditional love of rescue? From this story we know the unconditional love of rescue of the Buddha pervasively surrounds us. We must have faith in this and lead a life of joy with no more fear. Nowadays, everyone lives in fear. We must learn to replete ourselves with love and bring this shine to others, to lead them out of fear. Love yourself and love others. Namo Amitabha Buddha. A dharma talk by Dharma Master Shi Jing Zong, the Abbot of the Hong Yuan Monastery in Anhui, China entitled: Dying Once to Learn to Love
https://oridharma.wordpress.com/2020/05/16/in-the-era-of-fear-i-comfort-them-with-great-love/

Originally chronicled here.
I am not the OOP. OOP is u/Lost_Beginning_2824
This was originally posted in TrueOffMyChest
2 updates
(recovered via pushpull)
Original post - February 6th, 2024
1st Update - February 28th, 2024
2nd Update - March 8th, 2024
Trigger warning: mention of domestic violence situation
I’m married to a woman who acts like a teenage girl – February 6th, 2024
My wife behaves like a teenage girl and I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
This is just a rant. Curious to know how many full grown adults behave the way my wife does. I’d say out of all of the adult women I know, like friends, relatives, wives of my friends, none of them behave this way unless they keep it a closely guarded secret.
Editing right here to add that my wife is in her 30s, for context.
My wife is always obsessed with somebody, a man or sometimes multiple men at one time. Usually there is one or two main focuses at a time. When I talk obsessed I mean obsessed like a teenage girl or maybe even preteen girl would be. I’ve seen pictures of her bedroom when she was that age and they were literally wallpapers in posters of her favorite guys. That’s totally normal for a 13 year old girl. She still behaves that way as a woman in her 30s. Granted, our bedroom walls aren’t wallpapered in posters but they probably would be if I allowed it.
Her obsessions have ranged from rock stars, actors, non-entertainment industry public figures. It’s like one day she hasn’t even heard of the guy in question and the next day she’s super fan #1 and knows just about everything there is to know about him. She will read and watch everything there is to watch about the man. She will bring him up in every conversation. She will adopt parts of him into her own personality. She will suggest things that make it clear to me that she wants me to adopt characteristics of these men as part of my appearance or personality. She will openly admit to me that she’s masturbated over the guy multiple times in one day.
When she finds a new man to obsess over, she puts the others in her little stable of men who she always has a place for in her heart and in her fantasies, so they never really go away. The new man just takes center stage and becomes the main focus of almost her entire life.
So the current obsession is so strange to me. Never saw this one coming, but leave it to her to always find somebody new to fall in love with. The intensity that she has during these periods - it’s honestly like she falls in love with these men.
I’m laughing so hard just typing this all. Her current obsession is Bret Hart, former pro wrestler. This woman had never watched wrestling before in her life. Always thought that stuff was below her. And now she’s obsessed with this former pro-wrestler. She watched one show about him, for reasons I’m not aware of, and I could tell almost instantly where it was headed. I thought “here we go…” So now the Bret Hart obsession is in full swing. Has she already dropped close to $1000 in vintage Bret Hart shirts on eBay? Of course. Bought all the stickers and magnets and all sorts of other stupid crap she can find? Yep. Does she send me Bret Hart YouTube clips all.day.long when she’s supposed to be working? Yes she does.
So, I better get to work brushing up on my Bret Hart knowledge and tag lines. This is the key to getting laid when it comes to her. I’m used to this by now. It’s just not something that I can easily explain to anyone I know.
I mean, there’s are things I’m a fan of, but she is next level. I can’t think of anyone I know who is her age and acts like this. She was voted most likely to grow up and become a groupie when she was in high school, so this is absolutely nothing new for her. Sigh.
Many are lighthearted in the comments
plastic_Schedule_891
I mean he's the best there is, was and ever will be so that one makes sense at least .
You don’t think I’m hearing that 10 times a day now?
I better start planning that trip to Calgary.
Limerence is mentioned
poopchutethemoon
Yeah my bouts of limerence have been with people I’ve dated but reading that made me realize that I was very much being obsessive and it was totally all consuming. Glad it’s over honestly. Those feelings are exhausting.
Very interesting to hear you say the feelings are exhausting. It’s like a full time job for my wife, so I could see that. She told me she’s at work with her door closed pretending to be working, but she’s really watching Bret Hart videos on YouTube. She can’t even focus on her job.
OOP reveals more of the life he’s signed up for in the comments
get-bread-not-head
You've pretended to act like other men for 20 years?!
Damn dude, I hope you're finding ways to accept it and cope. That sounds rough, having to be someone else to have sex... stay strong king
Nah, I just learn their catchphrases or gain some deep fan knowledge that’ll impress her or maybe perfect a vocal impersonation of them that I can drop at the opportune time. The vocal impersonations work the best as far as making her like me and being like “ok, wanna have sex now?”
another_canoe
But what do you guys actually share *together*? That's not related to the obsession of the season? (I'm not going to even bother asking if she's tried to learn about any of your hobbies/interests).
NGL, this is all pretty grim to me, my man....and I'm someone who loves having a partner who is passionate about things and nerds out.
I fear that you've spent so long with her infatuations steamrolling over your own interests and preferences that you have convinced yourself that getting attention-by-proxy as your main source of validation from your SPOUSE is a healthy way to live.
If I told you that I was big into anime and Japanese RPGs and the only way I get interested in doing it with my actual wife is if she adopts the catch phrases /personality characteristics of my latest "waifu", would you feel some concern for my wife's mental health?
I'm also wondering about this spending....
She’s pretty dismissive of my interests and hobbies. I’ve told her I’d like her to try to pretend to show a little more interest sometimes. I make an effort to show real interest in her stuff and she does not do the same. I’m very into music and I do geek out over guitars and gear and things like that and she couldn’t tell you anything about any of the guitars I own other than “he has a blue one, he has a red one. “ We do love some of the same bands. Of course she wants to fuck the band members and I just want to talk about the chord progression on my favorite guitar tracks, but it’s close enough. We like a lot of the same movies and that sort of thing. We have the same sense of humor and can keep each other laughing for ages. We have a lot of the same views on life and on the world in general.
I don’t know, we just get each other I guess.
I would be concerned about the waifu thing, but I guess in my case she always likes guys who I think are pretty cool anyway. She has good taste, at least. If she has to be obsessing over some other guy constantly at least she does it over guys I can respect on some level.
Regarding the spending, I spend way more than she does. Only difference is it’s not usually fan merch I’m buying. But she tolerate my spending when it comes to stuff like guitar gear. She rolls her eyes and reprimands me but she tolerates it and just knows I won’t stop. I’m the same when it comes to her fan stuff. I get it, she wants the vintage 1993 Bret Hart shirt that costs hundreds…not a modern shirt that just anyone could go online and buy for $25 right now. She wants the cool, rare stuff. I’m the same with my guitars so I guess it’s like we understand each other in some way. I think it’s weird to become a fan of somebody and 2 days later drop thousands on them though. At least my money pit is consistent.
I think we both feel like we’re the only person who will semi understand and tolerate all of this stuff from each other
Not included here, but in several comments, OOP definitely brings up his wife’s looks as a positive in the relationship and he finds her antics at times amusing or even attractive.
1st Update - February 28th, 2024
I recently wrote about my wife suddenly discovering former pro-wrestler Bret “The Hitman” Hart one day after never even knowing of his existence, experienced love at first site, and is now even deeper than love with him then she was a month ago.
Tonight, I experienced a good hour of her sobbing, literal sobs, after watching the Bret Hart A&E biography. “I just love him so much. I love him with all my heart. I don’t want any more bad things to happen to him. Also, I’m very jealous he’s not my husband.”
She also went from not wanting any kids to suddenly wanting a baby so she can name it Bret (a girl or a boy, doesn’t matter…they will be named Bret). And she almost had me convinced, but I blame that on the heat of the moment.
She’s bought all sorts of clothes just like his. My wife now dresses like Bret Hart in and outside of the ring.
The past few days she’s been acting really annoyed with me. Finally I’m like “Wtf am I doing wrong?” I bought you Bret Hart stuff for your birthday! I call you Mrs. Bret Hart now, even though you’re my wife. I even sent you flowers at work from Bret. I mean that was supposed to get me points because she knew they were from me and I was playing into her obsession which she’s now apparently shared with everyone she works with. They’ve bought her a giant Bret Hart wall decal for her office.
Ok, so I did forget our anniversary which was very recently. Totally forgot it. Then again, so did she. She was too busy masturbating over Bret Hart to remember our wedding anniversary. I mean bad husband points for me obviously but all the birthday gifts had to have made up for it. I mean, I even ordered a Bret Hart birthday banner and got her a Bret Hart themed birthday cake as if she were a 7 year old boy in the year 1994.
So why is she acting so annoyed lately? Why does she act like she hates me and can’t stand to even be in the same room as me? She finally admits…I’m not Bret Hart. None of her obsession have ever been this bad. She’s seriously threatening me with divorce now because I’m not Bret Hart! She “just wants a guy like that.” She had to go walk the dog today and cry over it, how much she hates me and wishes she was married to Bret Hart. Oh fuck me you want a guy like your dad because that’s what Bret Hart is like…exactly like her dad, the same look, the same hair, the same damn age.
I told her I think she should get checked out for autism or some other sort of disorder. Her obsessions have never been this bad. She should make an appointment now because the waitlist is long. She just laughed. There’s nothing wrong with her. She just has different taste in men now, according to her.
Some comments
psychick
Therapist here - she needs to see a psychiatrist. This is mental illness to the extreme. Either she goes, or you leave. This is ultimatum territory. And, stop giving into her obsession. It makes it worse.
nualt42
Man, when she threatens divorce, take it. Jump at the chance.
Hell, sit, be a good boy and offer your fucking paw if that’s what it takes to get treated to an exit strategy. Don’t worry about dignity, sounds like you gave that up a long time ago.
She’s even looked up the divorce process for where we live and says we can be amicable about everything. She assures me she’s not looking to take any thing that is rightfully mine. She just wants a clean break.
Sophie3546
I’m surprised he even lasted this long. Calling her “Ms. Bret Hart” …..I can’t even fathom.
Excuse me, it’s MRS Bret Hart, not Ms.
NEW UPDATE - March 8th, 2024
Hi, you might remember me as the guy whose wife was obsessed with JFK (35th President of the United States), then experienced a world wind romance with former WWF pro-wrestler Bret Hart (the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be), but now she’s met a new man. I thought the Bret Hart obsession was the worst one yet. Never has she threatened divorce or told me she hated me because I wasn’t the object of her desire. Luckily, that was a relatively quick love affair for her. 3-4 months is a short run for her and one of her men. But I should be careful what I wish for.
This new one is the first time I’ve felt that I should maybe, just possibly, feel legitimately scared. Her newly developing obsession is Patrick Bateman. Yep, the character from American Psycho. Specifically, the movie version played by Christian Bale.
It’s not like she’s just met the guy. She’s seen the movie before but it doesn’t appear that they hit it off initially. Now, she’s suddenly started making constant reference to him. Bret is gone and now it’s just Patrick Bateman and maniacal laughter and purchasing all of the items in his skin care routine. I’d like to see her do 1000 crunches though. That’ll be the day.
She has always admitted to living the 80s preppy/yuppie look. She loves assholes. Assholes are a weakness for her. Psychopaths? Hmm…that’s a new one, unless you count the time she was in love with the Menendez Brothers years ago. God, the pastel Ralph Lauren sweaters she used to try to make me wear. Pastels are just not my shades.
Now, there was a time many years ago where I did have to hide all the knives in our home. I was legitimately scared that she was going to murder me. I forget what she was upset about now. I am, after all, her type - an asshole. I did something that bothered her and she ran for the knives. I had to hide them and then lock myself in a bedroom because she was literally chasing me. That was before she decided that she’d be the female Patrick Bateman. Granted, she says “only mean in the looks and snob department-nothing else.”
She’s trying to determine what the female equivalent to a Patrick Bateman hairstyle would be right now. I’m just worried about the bank account with this obsession. The amount she’ll spend on business cards alone.
Comments
lemonade_sparkle
Your wife is severely mentally ill, and needs help quickly.
Is there no chance of persuading her to get help?
If not, what preparations have you made to leave her?
I’m a strange way, I think these obsessions are what keep her sane.
Her getting help is funny though. It’s not going to happen. Sure I’ve tried to persuade her to see a therapist but she just won’t.
ctIaTErA
I probably shouldn’t be laughing as hard as I am right now. This is truly bizarre. Does she narrate her morning routine in the mirror each day now?
But in all seriousness, she’s chased you with a knife? Thats far more concerning than any of the obsessions with these men, and yes I did read the post about the wrestler. I thought it was just very quirky behavior before, but she seems truly unhinged now.
It was years ago. Like 10+ years ago. I’m much stronger than her so it’s not hard to hold her down if need be.
I AM NOT OOP
NO BRIGADING, NO HARASSMENT

Hi all, so there will be a bit of background here, apologies if I miss anything but I’ll update if I do and it becomes relevant.
My wife and I have been married for 5.5 years, we have an almost 9 month old daughter who I adore, and 2 border collies whom I have trained extensively myself.
When we were dating, it was rocky now and then honestly I saw the red flags and tried to fix them and I guess out of fear of ending up alone, ignored them. We started in long distance living at the others apartment about 5 months of each year in her country and 5 in mine in usually 1-2 month stays. We had some fights but what couples don’t right? But there is one that sticks in my head. She blew up over something minor, we argued and she threatened to kill herself. I wanted to leave then and there, but I didn’t want to see harm come to her. When she got angry she would lose all control, she would hit herself, bang her head on concrete walls, throw things etc, so I to an extent, took her threat seriously, and my nature is to protect people.
I stayed, things calmed down, but unfortunately over our nearly 8 year relationship, this has become a pattern. She would lose her crap over small things and either threaten to kill herself (and on more than one occasion, our daughter also). She would self harm but nothing with knives, or anything, just banging her head and punching herself.
Partly for the above reasons I installed cameras in our home living spaces. I have since caught and archived video of her doing this as well as physically assaulting me.
Recently my brother came to visit, it didn’t go well, now my brother is a really picky person, completely inflexible and generally difficult to get along with unless you do everything his way, to the letter, without him telling you. The only right opinion or answer, is his. While here, we got into a fight because he didn’t like not being unloved when my wife changed plans after seeing a comedy show, ok fair enough, but he flew into exactly the same state as my wife did, completely unreasonable, threatening me (he is no longer welcome in my home), throwing a tantrum and just storming off leaving me to chase after him, until he attempted to physically assault me.
This made me realise that he and my wife are the same, and I’ve known for years that he is the same as my dad, and I really didn’t like my dad at all. This has been the catalyst for a few changes in my decisions recently.
So a few other key points, my wife and I make good money, we’re both on around $140k USD (converted from our local currency, we’re not in the us and are not American, but it’s an easier conversion), we pay sub 10% tax on that also. With that said, all my money goes to our bills and expenses, every last dollar. I have maybe $300 a month on my self and usually have less than $100 in my account at the end of the month, but all bills are paid. We own a h 700k usd house which is more than half paid off in the 4 years we’ve owned it, and a car (roughly 150kusd in my country), so we’re financially well positioned. Her salary supplements her spending and is meant to be our savings. I’ve tried to garnish my salary to create an exit fund if shit hits the fan, but I had to use the whole thing (about 15k) when our daughter was born (worth it though). I’m trying to rebuild this.
The house is in her name, as is the car, however I can prove payments on both.
My wife has a history of depression, which was referred to our local mental health services, so there is a history of this, but she refuses treatment, this only happened when I called the police on her when she was threatening to and trying to jump out of our 13th story window.
Since then she has: - pulled multiple kitchen knives on me and threatened herself (I took every sharp knife out of the house and took them to a friends apartment, she was keeper concerned with stopping me because she didn’t want our friends to know what was happening) - thrown and smashed almost every framed photo on the house, all of which I cleaned up - using said photo frame glass, threatened to and tried to cut herself - attempted to strangle me - shoved, punched and kicked me (only one instance I have on camera) - made me give up almost every hobby I enjoy - wanted our first dog, agreed to help train and care for him, never does - the same pattern is happening with our daughter, but I wanted a child so badly I accepted it would happen - regularly gaslights me - minimises everything I do - recently she has started with backhanded compliments and negging - she will project her fears and dark thoughts and say them as fact of what I think, when they are nowhere near any truth - forced out or alienated all my friends, now the only friends I have are our mutual friends or her friends. - gives me the silent treatment - asks me ambiguous questions and makes me guess what she means - gives me trapping questions which either I tell her what she wants to hear, degrading myself in the process, or tell her the truth, which she blows up over - starting a fight as I’m about to go out so I have to stay home and take care of her and miss what ever I arranged
Some minor things she has threatened to divorce me over: - leaving the aircon on - cleaning the house (we have a live in maid who’s job this is) - not cleaning the house in conflict to the above - working long hours - not earning enough money - being exhausted from taking care of our daughter at night then working a 9-10 hour day - not giving her a massage (she never gives me one but I give her 2-3 a week) - talking - sighing - walking the dogs (part of the maids duties) - not walking the dogs 🤷‍♂️ - snoring (I literally have no control over this) - not being able to remember things (I have a bad memory ok?) - being tired - doing something in her dream that never actually happened and wasn’t even me! (I’m not even joking) - having to go on a business trip - having dinner with my friends (I do this once or twice a year) - not inviting her to a guys night
I am realising that I need to start protecting myself. Aside from storing any and all video I have from these instances, what can I do? Would speaking to a divorce lawyer be of help? I am not yet ready to call it quits, but at the same time I’m not going to risk the rest of my life on her fucking me out of everything I’ve worked so hard to achieve. If we really wants a divorce in 5 days or 15 years, what can I do to protect myself ? Should I fully split our finances now? How do I do this without her catching on or is this a bad idea?
I know my wife is abusive, you don’t need to tell me that. She is quite clearly narcissistic, but I won’t taint your view further, you decide.
Sorry this is so long, but I’m really stuck here and need help, but have no one.

Guys I'm looking for some serious advice here if anyone has faced a similar issue.
Basically my uncle has been on a serious downward spiral for about 5 years. Online gambling addiction, alcoholism, sleeping all day staying up the whole night.
It caused his wife to file for divorce and shes even left the city for "greener pastures". He has refused to sign the divorce papers and thats been 3 years now. For the past 10 years the guy has never worked a day in his life. He was very bright in the accounting and business finance sector and received a huge retrenchment package when he refused to move for the company and he's been living off that ever since.
Fast forward he's now pretty much out of money and for the past 2 years has been saying to his mother (my gran) and my mom that's its just a matter of time before he hangs himself. Claiming you "know where to find me if I don't answer my calls" basically hanging in his garage.
So fast forward to today the guy is flat broke. Still has his house (the ex / current wife) wants no money from and his car a BMW 320d... that's it...
He is now living with my gran in an attached flat to my mothers house. Getting food, laundry, wifi, petrol etc etc. free from my gran who really cannot afford it. My mother neither.
It started well and he seamed to make progress with seeing a physiatrist as was the deal of my family taking care of him. Now he's back to his old ways of drinking away his life every night with the little money my gran can afford to give him for reasons I don't know but she believes. He is going to honestly bleed my family dry if he continues with his ways but neither my mother nor gran have the guts to chase him out.
I myself m24 don't live in the same city anymore and I refuse to send money to them as I know it will just go to my uncle to drink away.
WHAT CAN I DO ??
I'm honestly lost at this point and keep trying to tell my mother and gran to get rid of him to only get the response "I know, I know" with no action taken what so ever.
Do I phone my uncle as his young nephew he watched grow up and kak him out man on man? I've thought allot about this but to be honest I'm very worried how he will react mainly due to the fact he's staying at the house and I'm not there.
Do I try get a social worker in on this? Don't even know where to start on that one really. Does this have fees attached? I can possibly cover fees involved but I don't want to if its not going to work.
Do I try get him claimed as not of sound mind and cant make his own decision (diminished capacity)? In tern seeding power to my mother, sell his house and car then use that to admit him??
Please if any one has some pointers here it would be really appreciated.
PS: he's already received 2 great cash offers for his house and refuses to sell.

The rift between them has caused a lot of tension in my family and now my mom wants to be in the life of her newborn grandson but refuses to address or try to mend things with my wife.
Little history: I probably introduced them too quickly. My grandmother was in town in south Florida about to move here from Illinois for a retirement community. My wife, girlfriend at the time, came with cookies or some form of baked goods like she usually does when visiting someone as a sign of affection and respect. Where it went wrong from here I have no idea. I suppose the initial crack was when wife scheduled a skitrip for her and I to have as a 1 year of dating anniversary present. We are not rich, this is a huge gift that made sense to her since I refused to let her pay rent. Our combines salaries are barely over 120k. So wife calls mom 6 months in advance because she is a planner for the sole purpose of asking my mom to watch one of our four dogs. Wife has already paid in full for the trip. Yet Mom decides it is a great idea to instead use the opportunity to hop on and take a family trip because it is the last time the family will have for a family vacation - I am the oldest of two boys and two stepsisters, my mom married the guy she left my father for who has twin girls of his own that were in the womb during the infidelity. Anyway mom completely takes over and decides to make our one year gift a family vacation, so she books tickets for a hotel nearby. Wife is bold but at the time not bold enough to stop my mom in her tracks for overstepping a boundary. At this time she still respected my mother and kind of let herself get steamrolled.
Probably skippable Family history: Now I have always had issues with my mother, resentment for leaving my father for my stepdad behind my own fathers back and constantly trying to keep brother and I from seeing “Disneyland dad who doesn’t do any of the work but gets all the fun.” my mother was very strict growing up, always bringing us to church and making my father feel guilty for not bringing brother and I on his weekend. So mom marries stepdad age 11, divorces him around 13 after asking me advice for her relationship and i encourage her to move out. Then remarries him and moves us back into his house age 15. Here I begin rebellion and normal teeenager stuff but stepdad won’t butt in because he isn’t my “biological father” so would have my mom intervene brother and i from behind the scenes. For example, I am young and messing around on the piano because music is important and I never had any formal training and mom comes in to tell me stepdad “wants to know when the concert is going to end because it is a little annoying.” Anyway, they have me prescribed adderall at 16 and in the parking lot holding my first prescription I am told that they would like me to move out and in with my father, who had chased us every time mom and stepdad moved several miles away (5 moves from age 5-15 all in one county). Anyway, brother and I are recovering alcoholics with (my) slipups triggered from interactions or visiting my mom, which mom claims is genetics from my father alone and has nothing to do with her. Maternal grandfather, mother, and I have some nasty temper problems which certainly are exacerbated by drinking (at least mine and moms).
Skitrip revelations: Wife and I are on the way to brothers graduation in Chicago, and wife has yet to reveal to me that my mother has taken over her massive investment of a couples ski vacation and it will now be a family vacation for mom, stepdad, brother, two stepsisters who are all getting out of gradschool. On the way to the airport I am told the news by future wife of my one year surprise. So I get upset and call my mom to call it off. She obliges my request and now holds resentment against me and now wife for “ruining her last family vacation.” Fine, whatever. Mother never says a word about it for months until we are out for a distant family members birthday dinner and at a table of about 8-10 people that are having a group conversation and gets real close to my wife’s ear and tells her privately along the lines of “you deprived our family of our last family vacation.” During this time my wife is frantically tapping my leg under the table because my mom can get a little aggressive. My mom saw this and later (privately to me) mocked her for doing it to my leg under the table.
Christmas blessings: Closer to Christmas maybe 2/3 weeks later we went to go see my mom and my mom had a couple drinks in her (not an alcoholic like brother and I just very sensitive to a couple glasses of wine and occasionally some hidden sips of wine or something) and invites my wife to Christmas church and out to dinner after because the family needs photos for a Christmas card and future wife “will be the photographer for it.” Now this can easily be a nothing comment but given the way my mom had been making future wife feel, it was taken as an insult. So wife declined church and showed up to family dinner just in time for photography session to be over.
The distance: Then mom moves to a fancy house up the coast and invites us up to visit. At first it is ok to bring the 4 dogs then the day before she says they will not have dogs at the house and we can easily find a sitter. 2 Dogs don’t get along, they need to be separated always as there has been two attacks on one from the other, so we can’t trust someone to come to the house and keep them separate and we won’t board 4 dogs it’s too expensive for us. Anyway we go back and forth being invited with the dogs then they retract the offer and say pick one dog to bring and leave the others and it’s just annoying, so we say forget it and don’t go. But my brother becomes engaged and decides to throw his engagement party at my mom’s new place near the beach. Great. First all the dogs are welcome, then day before they say it is too chaotic and she will pay for a small hotel room for one night for future wife and her dogs and my one (the attack dog) can stay in a crate at the house with me but I may not leave the dog to stay with her. And no reasonable cheap hotel in the area is going to accommodate 4 dogs. Anyway wife is stressed but feels obligated to come because I am the best man and I stay at the house while she checks her dogs into the hotel. Wife had made a cheesecake and brought it up in a separate car from me, 4 hour drive by the way, and night of.. my mom says no desserts for engagement party dinner, the dessert is themed or some crazy stuff. Wife shows up to dinner a little later and very flustered because of the situation plus I had relapsed on a bottle of whiskey a couple days prior to seeing my mom. Related, I don’t know. Anyway. Mom has had a couple drinks and future wife and I are talking about having children and religion comes up. Mom asks what we were thinking of doing about baptism or not and I jokingly said (guiltily to get on my moms nerves a bit) that he would have a bris and would love it if she would come to the bar mitzvah. now my wife’s mom was forced to convert from Catholicism to Judaism for her own mother in laws acceptance for a failed marriage so wife is not religious, but it hurt my wife and reasonably so when my mom replied “oh, son, I raised you better than that.” Still no acknowlegement of fault from that comment and mom thinks wife is “overly sensitive, dramatic, and childish” for wanting an apology for it.
Weddings: Future wife becomes current wife. We had gotten engaged on our next anniversary trip she planned for us. I proposed on our bike and barge through tulip season in holland with our feet in the water of the North Sea after a picnic in the dunes. her family business manufactures photo albums for professional photographers, so aside from our families all being divorced, estranged, difficult, and us trying to save money, we did not have a wedding, we just did the paperwork within a month of the proposal. I had already decided to have a baby with her before the trip so we were trying. 2 weeks before brothers wedding in Tennessee we become pregnant, so we break news immediately as to not steal limelight from brothers expensive wedding. Mom says she will cover cost of rental car so we can save money. Ok great. She books the tiny car and we pack it and head up the Smokey mountains to the cabins we are staying at. Two cabins for grooms family, one for his mother and one for his father, ten paces from each other: they havnt spoken but twice im since divorce in 1995 but through lawyers. Grandmother, mother, stepdad, 2 stepsisters and one boyfriend stayed in mom’s side. Wife and I stay at father’s side cabin with just his wife. His Wife’s 3 daughters and family’s stayed a town away down the mountain among extended family. Anyway, beautiful wedding takes place. My wife is sent into town to collect flowers and run errands for my mom which she happily obliged to since she is a solitary person and did not want wedding day drama. Day after, we are loading our rental sedan with our bags. Mom and grandma need a ride to the airport and our flight is before theirs so they will drop off the car for us 4 hours or so after we go to the airport 5 hours from current time. We’re loading the car. Stepcousin passed out in mother’s cabin night before and needed a ride. Disorganized brunch for 20 people is trying to be made. Father’s wife’s daughter books a reservation for 10 people which include her family, her sisters, me, my wife, dad, and their mom. My stepdad had left for home at this point as he had taken his own suv instead of flying with my mom and 90 year old grandma. So mom is trying to pack grandma in the car with bags and my wife and stepcousin. At this point mother asks stepmother if she and grandma are on reservation for the brunch. Stepmom says no they are not, she wasn’t sure of their plans. Mom says under her breath “fucking assholes, so typical,” and she goes into a bit of a rage to which my stepmom says here “it’s ok I will call and add you two it’s no big deal.” So we continue packing the car and realize we won’t all fit. So my wife tells my stepcousin to go ride with my father to the restaurant 10 minutes away we will meet you there. Mom says to wife, “no you go with the father.” Wife says “no I am going to ride with my husband” mom gets close to her face with her finger and says “this is my car, you can fucking Uber!” Wife is 6 weeks pregnant at this point and it all escalated from here. wife and mother start yelling at each other swearing at each other and we get into the car, mom behind wife who was in shotgun. 2 occasions on the trip I had to stop the car because mom had taken off her seatbelt to stand over the seat and scream in my wife’s face with so much vigor that spit came on to her face multiple times. I’m trying to tell them both to behave and mom sit down shut the f up. Mom is telling wife to get the f out of the car and find a ride, she has no right to speak because she’s “new here” (dating and living together for 3 years at this point). The following brunch she apologized in a crowd with a hushed voice at a table of 20 people trying to have a group conversation again privately to my wife “I’m sorry you get so upset” and my wife told her “that is not an apology.” The following several hours in the car with grandma and stepcousin and wife were some of the most uncomfortable moments of my life. At a gas station I pulled my mom aside and said I need ther to give a huge apology, that it was so nasty and inappropriate, my brother and I are used to abusive language and aggressive behavior but to my pregnant wife and any other human being it is disgusting and unacceptable. Sitting in the car was quiet for many hours until we got to the airport. No speaking about what happened just mom happy go lucky about Tennessee and Dollywood and wife and I in shock, cousin still half in the bag from a fun wedding, grandma 90 years old probably confused about what happened.
The family groupchat: Im waiting on an apology from my mother to my wife who is extremely hurt and expressed to my mom loads of time she needs to reach out and apologize. We’re not talking until she will do so. It is bugging me and keeping me up at night. My appendix flares up and I am admitted to the hospital with emergency appendectomy. Still pregnant Wife suggests I reach out to mom to let her know what’s going on. So I text mom I’m at the hospital and will have surgery. I send a pic or something that on my end says hasn’t gone through. Mom group texts our family group with stepdad, his daughters, brother and his wife, and grandma that I am in the hospital and attaches the pic I sent of me in there. Then she continues to rave about the success of her startup company and how they got FDA approved clinical trials finally completed or some pivotal moment that made the text about her. Wife and I are in a hospital so the picture comes up on moms end as unable to have been sent. Mom assumes that my wife has blocked her phone, so mom removes my wife from the chat. Wife is rushing home to take care of the dogs at this point and is not alerted on her phone, but on everyone else’s phone it clearly reads “(mom) has removed (wife) from the chat.” Immediately I text my mom and basically say how dare you do that to her she is the one who insisted I let you know out of respect and mom responds with blah blah she did this she did that I will not have it. So I go back to the family chat and remove mother. At this point I let everyone in the chat know what my mother has done and how she refuses to take responsibility for how she made my wife feel, address her feelings, apologize or do anything at all to reach out about the wedding incident or even inquire about the wellbeing of the pregnancy for her first grandchild. Stepdad finally steps in and tells me “enough.” Grandma says “shame on you.” I am dumbfounded. This is a hush hush family that hates to have anything out in the open and likes to maintain a picture perfect image. For examples; 1) I and wife were on the family Christmas card of a photo taken at the wedding that the whole world received except for wife and I. 2)brothers alcoholism was to remain hidden from the family as was his rehab treatment and how it affected his career. Now understand that they like to keep things quiet but that is not how I want to handle my problems, these things trigger alcohol use and violent outbursts on my part that I no longer wish to live through. Now appendectomy’s are pretty simple so I recovered quickly (it don’t rupture we just took it out). But during the time I was scheduled to be under anesthesia, stepdad reaches out to wife to have a chat and clear the air. Wife waits until I come to so i can be there and I hear the conversation. He claims to be here as a middleman like a business meeting to fix things once and for all. Wife and I are like wow great. He then proceeds to double down on my moms behalf that they will not be apologizing or meet any of her demands as she had already apologized as confirmed by 90yo grandma who was in the car and my mother herself. The term he used was stalemate to describe the situation. Wife and I are shocked but she has me keep quiet to show me what he will say. He proceeds to yell at her and they were screaming at each other, again steamrolling the conversation assuring us that he was down the middle yet maintains that mom has made a sufficient apology that needs to be accepted and wife needs to grow up and move on, then wishing her luck with the baby and a nice life. Next day I call stepdad to see how it went. He reassures me that he has done all he can and everything is back to normal. At this point I call him out and tell him I was conscious and explain to him what an apology is. But there is no dialogue with this guy like there is no dialogue with my mother. He proceeds to talk loudly over me like she does and basically call me a piece of shit for the amount he and mother have done for me. I speak to him first time like I never have before by calling him a hands off father and a pussy of a man who finally reaches out while he thinks I am under anesthesia to yell at my wife then pretend it’s cool, and I basically tell him he has never done a single thing for me to try and develop me into a man or nurture me as a child into an adult, but he thinks taking me on fishing trips and ski vacations are equivalent to love and nurturing growth and development just like my mom does. I reassure him that he has no right to talk about family being that he ruined his own as well as mine and couldn’t even tell my dad to his face that it was him who was sleeping with my mom behind his back when my dad came to him very upset as a friend when he got an anonymous phone tip at work one day. Then him and my mom laughed about it in court when my dad brought it up during the divorce. We ended with swearing and I felt very happy for finally giving my true feelings to him.
The birth: Months go by and nobody has said a thing. I can’t sleep at night seeing how much love I am getting from my father and his side for the baby, and my wife’s family, then thinking about how my own mother hasn’t reached out a single time. I’m dreaming about beating up my stepdad and it’s driving me mad. So weeks before the due date I reach out to my mom begging her to clear things up and apologize to my wife. Nothing. A week later i tell her how disappointed and abandoned I feel and want her in the family. Nothing. Baby comes a couple days early. Everyone is excited. Mom texts me begging for photos and to let everyone know. I tell her my brother and two stepsisters have received photos. I ask her to please reach out to wife she still needs to make amends for what’s happened between them and all she needs to do is reach out. Mom’s responses have been defensive, derisive, projecting, playing victim and referring to herself as a kicked puppy. Telling me my wife needs to apologize to her and making the conversation about mother son instead. She is beating around the bush. And she is sending me photos of my own baby that I did not send her. Her friends are congratulating me that I did not tell. Again she is pretending that everything is ok and it is not. She asked me to apologize to her husband for what I said on the phone that day. I said ok, watch this. So I sent the guy a message that was very apologetic and not passive aggressive or backhanded comments in any way. Still my mom won’t say anything.
Now: Baby is 6 days old. He is the best thing in my life and I wish my family were involved but it seems like I am living in a fantasy world where everyone can be happy together. I can be a jerk and have a terrible relationship with my mom, but I want more than anything to just feel loved enough where she can swallow her pride and make amends with my wife. Thats it. And she asked the other day to put a family group chat so everyone can be involved… for real? I know she is stressed with a high pressure job, but it seems heartless to me. She asks what big items she can get for the baby. Mom, baby is here we have everything for a couple months already. I said the biggest thing you can do is reach out and have a heart to heart with my wife so this rift can end and we can at least be cordial if you two can’t get along. I don’t think it will happen.
Update: I think I only get one update and I’m not very good with this stuff but I need mediators. Received text from mom to wife and I that is a random article about the name of our son and how she thinks it is a good name.
Wife: MIL your behavior is beyond pathetic. Here you have a son who is begging you my entire pregnancy to have a relationship with us. You can’t seem to be bothered to even give me a half assed text of “I’m sorry for what happened in TN”. Now you send pictures that aren’t even sent to you to begin with and this article? You have a grandson and you couldn’t even bother to reach out for the past what? 9 months? And now you’re sending us random articles? Why on earth would you think this is acceptable? It’s upsetting that you can’t seem to get your fucking shit together You literally have a son begging you to reach out. Now that we have a son I think of if my ego would ever get in the way of having a relationship with him and his partner. And I just think it’s so god damn pathetic that you couldn’t give two shits about him or anyone else like your own grandson. Stop sending us pictures that are not meant for you. Stop sending us articles. You want a relationship with SON? You want a relationship with me? With your grandson? You want to meet him one day? Then give the half assed text message and get over yourself. You were nasty in TN and you cannot seem to grasp that this is what is needed to move forward.
mom: I thought the article was nice. Sorry DIL, I was in Phoenix after 12 hour days it was a whirlwind and saw this article upon return and thought it sweet. Also… Sorry I sent a picture SON didn’t share that I thought was adorable. What in the heck is the matter with doing that? Serious? I promise it will never happen again. I am sorry for the horrible altercation in Tennessee. I hate that it has caused so much horrible lack of a relationship. I am staying away because you and he constantly make ME the villain. You both had your own HUGE part yelling! I didn’t even start it! It is not fun or fair and neither have accepted any accountability for yelling or screaming at me at all. I did however.it just wasnt good enough. It’s not my responsibility for the continued anger you both hold because you wouldnt accept my apology. No one acknowledged their own bad , unacceptable behavior. I meant it -to help make amends- esp the :2nd time since you turned abruptly away from me the first apology and I told you “ I meant it” at the airport (the third.). There were such horrible made up and unwarranted allegations made up against me that any sane person’s jaw would just drop . It makes me scared to see what will be thought up the next time the ire and victimhood sets in over there. I’m exhausted either way with it all. It’s time to move on and forgive. I know you probably don’t really care and could never allow yourself to see it this way , but I feel I was yelled at just as hard and just as loud and also first!!! This “abuse” went two ways …but I was made the horrible one. I’m the only one that even tried to make up. No one else bears any accountability and needs to. I am tired of being lam blasted. For example….A simple article and I get yelled at again. Terrible… I should not have sent this and SON has said the most horrible things about me…. You blocked me as a contact remember? So why would I call? To get more abuse!? More fabrications? More demands. I don’t accept all the allegations…. I am sorry…. It’s your prerogative to think how you’d like however. I could say crazy shit like that , but I do not and never will. I can move beyond this but it is crazy to keep demanding I apologize more to your liking when no one has ever apologized to me for yelling and acting just as angry. It’s not my fault my attempt of apologizing was not accepted. I will not be manipulated. If you want to blame me ( a pattern) i can’t take it anymore. It is exhausting. That is not even an attempt at two way communication and problem solving . Just dictating. I’m to old for all this craziness and blaming all the time. SON.. if you want to ride this train and hate me… shame on you. Your behavior likewise is pathetic either way the horrible things you said YOU need accountability also. I am really sorry I bugged you with that article. I will never do anything right it seems.
:::AT THIS POINT I ATTACH THIS POST TO TEXT CHAIN::: I don’t think she read it but responses are as follows
Wife: Playing the victim is not going to get you anywhere. You are not a victim and what you are experiencing is not abuse. It’s people standing up to you for once and you don’t like it. In TN you demanded I get into SONS fathers car and when I refused you said to me “I paid for that car, you can fucking Uber”. MIL you started this whole thing. You’ve been a rude person for a long time now. People who commented on that post are pretty spot on…and why is it that I hear you still bring up Jackson Hole? You understand you tried to steamroll your way? I paid what like $7k for that trip and all of the sudden you wanted to make it a family trip??? Wtf was that? Stop bringing up this stupidity it’s absurd you’d even want to come on our 1 year anniversary trip. “Oh you ruined our last family vacation” IT WAS AN ANNIVERSARY GIFT. Shame on SON? No MIL shame on you for thinking all of this was ok and then proceed to act like you are a victim experiencing any sort of abuse. Shame on you for going 9 months without any sort of contact to SON or me. Shame on you for acting like this person who doesn’t give a shit. What you did irrevocably affected our relationship that I reached out to you and you didn’t give a shit. That SON reached out to you and you didn’t give a shit. That finally GRANDSON is born and all of the sudden you give a shit? Sure MIL keep playing the victim. I appreciate the apology. It’s a bit late. We will need to have boundaries in place because you hurt our family enough.
Mom: I’ve read 2 books and did counseling on this manipulative , unempathetic, victimhood behavior and was advised to keep my distance or just don’t talk when in company. I will always be berated. I will always be a villain. I will always be told later I did something wrong. Notice how over time my aggregrmces have escalated? I am scared what’s next, honestly. You don’t want the articles I have. I have tried. Please stop insulting my intelligence. Accept the apology, you both also yelled loudly!!!! look at yourself in the mirror also if that’s possible. and let’s be adults or just keep me out of your life like you wish. I would love more than anything to see all of you. I will not beg when I am really not wanted. I also refuse to subject myself to this constant berating everytime time we talk. This is exactly why I have not reached out. Try some softness and forgiveness for a change. Who wants to be around people who hate so much? Things in life shouldn’t be this hard. This is not my choice . It is yours by this behavior. I want love …. I have had enough being blamed . I’m done with it. You win DIL. You play victim not me! lol serious? I will not do this anymore tonight. I will not finish the paragraph. Always too mean and upsetting. Goodnight. What? lol. I did not demand you get in SONS FATHERS car. Are you crazy? With your grossly heightened sensitivity I would NEVER even think of saying that. I kindly asked if “maybe you two could split up” You get so pussed you find shit to come up with. Good night.
Wife: Keep telling yourself that MIL. You are a bully and I will not tolerate anyone bullying my family. Wow. I can’t believe you are so insane and your reality is so skewed. You said this multiple times to me. In front of SON. You literally cannot lie your way out of this.
Mom: You are full of crap. Good night DIL

Hello all! I took some time off to focus on another project and give myself a fresh set of eyes for this book and query. I really underestimated the work that goes into a good query. I've revised the opening of my book and redone the query to be more dynamic. Any and all feedback is welcome!
Dear [agent],
Life is a death sentence, and James Cross has died 20 times. But, thanks to Clonecare, you can have your bullet and eat it too. James final clone-claim results in a “defective” clone that’s taller, smarter, and stronger. What James doesn’t know is that he’s now thrown into the middle of a conspiracy to hide the better clonecare that only the rich and powerful get. Adam Miller, CEO of the largest clone insurer in America, sends his personal assassin after James; a wall of muscle known only as “Janzen.” If James dies, he won’t be coming back this time.
Deciding that his life must mean more than the sum of his deaths, James wants to do something big. He has one year before his defective body will die. One year to change the world or die trying.
Nick Druune hasn’t been close to anyone since his violent and bitter divorce from his husband. But, due to poverty, he’ll be working alongside his ex-coworker, James Cross. James wants to make “The Emotional Network,” an app linking users on the same emotional spectrum. James tells Nick it’s because he wants users to see the human beyond the screen. Nick has his suspicions but can’t afford to pass up the job. He should have listened to his doubts.
Nick is too late to see what James was really building: a death cult. Death. Rebirth. Death. Business as usual, right? As rioting breaks out across America, a manhunt is on for James and Nick with the police and Adam Miller chasing after the two. The cult, fueled by James calling for more people to “self-claim,” asks the question: how do you stop a death cult when resurrection is on the table?
CLONECARE is a Sci-Fi, dark comedy about the value we place on life compared to the deductible we get billed for it. Complete at 97k words, this standalone novel will appeal to readers of Autonomous by Annalee Newitz and Mickey7 by Edward Ashton.
First 300:
Chapter 1
Twenty Deaths or Fewer

“You need to die less.”
The words had bounced around James’ mind for several days. As his body hurled toward the ground, he couldn’t stop thinking about dying less. It was his first suicide; he wasn’t sure what else to think about. Maybe he should have thought about his childhood. A warm memory of being with his mother. Anything other than the mundanity of policy changes and premium charges. What poetic things do other people die thinking about, he wondered. Of course there were a million other, better things to ponder while falling twenty stories. None of that mattered in the end. This end, that is; not any of the other twenty endings James has had. It had started three days ago, when James had a meeting with Marie Carmine, his local clone insurance agent. They met in her office at C-Insure when she had said it.
“You need to die less.”
James was dumbfounded. The problem wasn’t the price, the system, or the deep sigh in which Marie had callously said it, the problem was him, according to her.
Marie had given this speech to her customers with alarming frequency as of late. Even though she had lost count of the number of times she had explained the situation, it felt new and terrible and fresh every time one of her customers called or, in James Cross’s case, showed up at her door asking about their coverage change. She was at a loss for reassuring words after explaining the policy change to him.
“Maybe try and take a few days to weeks and calm down your adventures.” She felt like a doctor having to explain to a patient how to drink water.
“That’s your answer? Die less?

Welcome back to Country Music 4 Ever! Lainey Wilson released a new song called “Hang Tight Honey.” This song is about how hard it can be to be in a relationship as a traveling musician. You don’t see each other a lot, and most of the time you are in different time zones thousands of miles away from each other.
This song got me thinking about all the country singers throughout the years who married each other. Some of those marriages have lasted a long time, and others didn’t even last a year. I thought it would be fun to look at some of these couples today. Which ones have been married the longest? Which ones only lasted a short amount of time?
The marriage that has lasted the longest on this list is Tim McGraw and Faith Hill. They got married in 1996, and 26 years later, they are still married and continue to work together in the entertainment business.
Garth Brooks and Trisha Yearwood got married in 2005. They have been married 19 years and are the only couple besides Tim and Faith on this list who are still together.
In 2001, Sammy Kershaw and Lorrie Morgan got married. Their marriage lasted six years. Most people know Lorrie was also married to Keith Whitley, but their marriage ended when Keith passed away in 1989.
In 2017, Morgan Evans and Kelsea Ballerini got married. Their marriage lasted five years. Since their divorce, Kelsea began dating “Outer Banks” star Chase Stokes, and Morgan has kept quiet about anyone he might be dating.
In 2018, Ryan Hurd and Maren Morris got married. They also got divorced after five years of marriage. This news came before Maren announced she was leaving country music and then not leaving country music and then possibly leaving country music. I really don’t know. It didn’t make any sense to me.

I (34F) am currently in the process of divorce, which has been mentally exhausting but thanks to therapy and a lot of work on myself I’m reaching a peaceful agreement.
I’ve had recently reconnected with an old flame back from university days. I was clear from the start that I did not think it was a good time to explore anything beyond platonic, however he (34M) insisted that he had been waiting on his chance with me for over a decade and that he is ready to date me despite my divorce not yet being finalised. I was very cautious at first , accepting the odd coffee date here and there as I like to take things slow before becoming intimate, especially given the circumstances.
He, however, was very insisting, full of compliments, generous, chivalrous, talked about marriage and family, even children’s names. Within 1 month, he referred to me as his girlfriend. This caught me by surprise, but I just assume some people are more spontaneous and a serious conversation about “what are we” wasn’t needed. He told all his friends about me. Because he is an old friend, and actually one who warned me about a toxic ex of mine in the past, I felt he was very caring and safe , and eventually I let my guard down and decided to let him in. For my birthday, he got flowers, took me out for dinner, even got me a necklace and a little music box. I’ve asked him if he was falling in love with me and he said yes.
Then eventually I let myself be intimate with him. It’s been mind blowing every single time.
I work a 9-5 kind of job that involves travelling from time to time. He works in a busy hospitality environment, mainly nights. I did ask from the start if he did not consider this an incompatibility, which he reassured me it wouldn’t be and managed to fit each other in our busy schedules. He always insisted on paying too, despite me being the one who earned the most. He booked us on a trip to his home country with his family. Again, a little bit too fast for me , but I have no logical reason to refuse.
Then something happened. He told me about his schedule for the week in order to fit some time together. Because he had a training event that may involve dinner with colleagues the following day, I told him I would see him in 3 days instead. But he insisted that he would see me the next day. I told him it really was ok if he couldn’t meet up, but he was determined to meet me. So the next day, I told him ok, I’m finished with work, let me know how you’re getting on. He said he thought he was finishing within the following hour. As I needed to buy some stuff anyway I told him I would then see him in town. Comes to the meeting time and he texts “I am staying for dinner , can’t get out of it” to which I say: it’s ok, that’s why I suggested not to meet today but when we both have free time. And I went home. He texted me but I only saw it after I finished cooking my own dinner: “are you ignoring me ?” At this point , I found it a bit strange that after technically leaving me stranded he was asking if I was ignoring him. But of course I replied and made nothing out of it. However , I found it a bit rude that he didn’t even apologise for his sudden change of plans.
We met that Friday and it was great. Said he’s meeting me the next day , usual time (a few hours before he starts his shift) but he overslept and had to go to work. Again, not a problem. However the same thing happens the following day (Sunday) but this time I don’t hear from him until he’s been working a few hours already. “Guess what time I woke up”. I saw the message and put my phone on the side , as I had low battery and was out socialising with friends. Didn’t think this required an immediate response. Later on in the evening I come to a multitude of messages accusing me that I’ve changed my style of messaging and that something was off. I explained exactly what happened and that he had nothing to worry about. We agreed to meet up next day. We did. He brought up the “incident” again. I apologised , I expressed that I did not like being messed around with my schedule as I’m usually quite busy and there has been a few instances already and no apologies, we made up and went for dinner and after , to have a few drinks where he normally works. He made a point it was gross misconduct to drink at his work. Well, we get there , he necks two shots and informs me the date was over and he decided to jump in and help. No apologies. I left and told him I found this very rude. At this point my gut feeling is starting to tell me something’s off.
There’s a few more instances of me having to chase him to clarify whether or not to meet. I find this a bit exhausting to do. Not every time we agreed , we met as he was busy either sleeping or working. Or his phone died. Then when we have some time together , which is scarce , he is constantly on his phone replying to everyone , so I find this behaviour very confusing and ultimately, rude.
Last planned date , after checking with him several times , I got theatre tickets and paid deposit for dinner. He reassured me it was going to happen and that he was very excited. He doesn’t reply to my last messages for a solid 15h, so I ask him why is he treating me like this when he doesn’t like the same done to him ? The day before this, he messages me saying “little bit of a pickle but have to work tomorrow”. At this point , I’ve had enough with my time being wasted and not a single apology. So I texted him back that “I need a break from all this, sorry”. He just reacts with a thumbs up which is infuriating to say the least (we are talking 14 years of friendship) so I asked him : “is that it? Are you even sorry ? “ to which he says : “sorry for what, having to work? “ to which I reply: no it’s not even about tickets or rotas or plans , is about emotional neglect and lack of consideration. He says he’s not willing to discuss it as his out with his team and I said I agree is not the time and place. But he carried on texting me saying that he doesn’t think it will work out and that he needs someone smart and not someone who lives in la-la land. I firstly explain that I had already broken up with him earlier, so no need to turn the tables and that I know I am smart and why trying to belittle me? He continued lashing out that I am not smart , I am not brave, etc. and that he wins at all these qualities. I come to the conclusion that he’s the one scared of vulnerability and trying to compete against me, which is weird and childish.
Now the weight in my chest has lifted and I think I’ve dodged a bullet , however part of me wonders if I have been too harsh breaking up by text with someone who struggles with emotional intelligence and self regulation?
Many thanks in advance